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Depression is exhausting! Not only do you not have the physical energy to do things you need to do, or the mental energy to do anything at all, it's also exhausting when you have to be around others and use every ounce of your energy (that you don't have), to pretend that you're "ok". Heaven forbid you have a not so good day and be honest about it. People don't react well to others having a tough mental health day. They either try to fix it, run away from it, or take your lack of socializing personal. I usually stay home from work on these particularly tough days because I can't bring myself to muster the energy to act like I'm fine, but I'm trying not to use my sick time so it'll increase quicker. I also know that if I'm home I'll give in to the urge to go lay in bed, in the dark, and hope to escape the way I'm feeling by sleeping. So here I am at work, staring at the wall or my phone, desperately trying to avoid eye contact so people won't talk to me. Which sounds way easier than it actually is.

#Depression #Work #Socializing #Mental health

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“Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.”

— Oscar Wilde

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It's so sad when you realize that your mind goes 100 mph trying to keep you busy just to protect you from noticing how f*cking lonely you are.

But eventually your mind has to take a break, and it's in that silence, that stillness around you, that you realize all you have is you....

I love being ALONE, but absolutely hate being LONELY.

#lonely #alone

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What if it was meant to be?

How do you let go of something you were so sure was meant to be? There was no closure, no explanation, everything was just left open ended. I tried so hard to keep my defenses up and keep my distance because I didn't want to risk getting hurt and I figured it wouldn't go anywhere, just like every other time, but you found a way past my walls when I wasn't paying attention, and said all the right things at the right times and I fell....hard. It all happened so quickly but it felt like we've known each other for years. I told you I have trust issues and you continued to reassure me that you weren't going anywhere, and somehow I believed you. You thought it was so funny when I told you, you were bad for my health, but I meant it... I knew if things didn't work out, my mental health would take a dive, and I was right. I try so hard to keep my head above water every day and that's part of why I stay single and keep sh*t to myself, but it's safe that way and I can control what affects my mood, but I let you have control and you ran with it. I always say that I don't regret anything because if it makes me happy in that moment, it's never time wasted, but I truly believe if I could go back in time, I never would've responded to your message. It's always easy to say that in hindsight because now I know that the end would leave me hurt, but I would've been ok with missing out on knowing you, even though I enjoyed our conversations and really thought what we had was going to last, the end result doesn't outweigh the parts I enjoyed. It's been over a week since I heard your voice and I can't get you out of my head. I go over our conversations like reruns in my head, and I keep telling myself I have to let go because I know it's over, but I can't seem to forget how you made me feel. I constantly try to figure out what happened that ended everything, and then I remember, nothing happened. You just disappeared in the middle of a conversation. My last text was never read, and you never called or texted again. Did something happen to you? Did something happen to your phone? Did you just simply decide you were done talking to me? Was all of this just bullshit, and you decided you were done playing with me and just didn't bother to end it? I can't figure it out, and because of that, I can't let go. I try to convince myself that I won't hear from you ever again, but in the back of my mind I still think that may not be the truth. I keep hearing what if it's meant to be? Then you'll call back eventually, when you sort out whatever cut communication between us, but I know that's dumb and I get mad at myself every time I think it might be true. I blame it on Mercury being in retrograde because during this time, everything seems to be a disaster, but I know that when it ends, you're not just going to magically reappear. Apparently part of the side effects of retrograde is that people feel stuck, and that's exactly how I feel. I'm stuck in this cycle of what if's and maybes and hopefuls, and it's like a broken record. All I can do is hope that when Mercury gets it sh*t together after Sunday, I'll be able to break this cycle and move on. Will I still wonder if it was meant to be? Maybe. Will I be able to accept that it won't be? Hopefully. I hope that I was just caught up in Mercury's path and that's why I fell so hard, and that it'll just pass and I can look back and laugh. But our conversations about our lives just matched up so well, I couldn't help but think there was a reason you came into my life. I thought it was real this time, because for all of the reasons I would normally have run away, I didn't seem to flinch when it came to you. The red flags couldn't have been any more obvious unless someone set them on fire, and I decided I could handle all of them, and I just couldn't help but think there had to be a reason. I still believe there must have been a reason, but I have no idea if I'll ever know what that reason was. I guess time will tell...right?

[tripletangotwister]

“Just because you don’t understand something, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”

— Unknown

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So I planned to keep this blog up to date with my journey on antidepressants, but this year has sped by so fast, I've lost track of time and anything I had planned. I can't remember how long it's been since I started Wellbutrin, but it's been about 6 months I believe. A majority of my days are good. It definitely brought me back from the bottom of the well I was in. But some days are still shit. I suddenly just get overwhelmed with sadness or thoughts of what I feel reality is, and my mind tries to convince me that how I see things aren't how they really are, because I'm on medication that tells me not to feel what I really feel (or don't feel). I don't know how true those thoughts are, but they catch me off guard every time. That also makes me worried about ever getting off the medication be at what if I just fall back into the well? However, my appetite is non existent quite often. I have to force myself to eat sometimes because my blood sugar will drop. So I've lost about 10lbs without trying, which is motivating me to actually try so I can keep it going.

Personal thoughts; I think a lot of my current sadness and spike in depression is being lonely. I don't have anyone to share my thoughts/ideas/moments with. I've always depended on 2 of my friends that have always been there for everything, even the every day boring stuff. But recently Ive realized that we're all really growing apart and they're not around anymore. Seems like we talk less and less as the weeks go on, and if I'm initiating the conversation, there usually isn't one. My sister is busy raising her grandkids, who are just too much for me to handle, so she's not around. And that's pretty much all I had for a support system for the past however many years, and they're just not here anymore. The need to move across the country is very strong again. Not just because I just came back from vacation out there, but because I can't get past.tbe feeling that if I move away and none of the people I know are around, my mind won't constantly wonder why everything in their lives comes before me. They physically won't be able to visit me because I'll be so far away, so there won't be this thought they just choose to not be around. #wellbutrin #antidepressants #depressionsucks

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[tripletangotwister]

More adventures in brain chemistry

Day 5 of taking my Wellbutrin. The past few days have been interesting. I often feel kind of foggy still, and I have a headache within an hour of taking my first pill and it lasts pretty much all day. I had a stomach ache a couple times but nothing significant. Yesterday I noticed I got irritated very quick about situations I normally wouldn't, like the elevator taking too long. Today my anxiety was crazy high, but it may have been the result of watching the George Floyd trial. Other than that I'm doing fine and sticking with it each day, cant wait for the 2 wk mark to pass so I can see what it's like when it starts really doing it's job.

#wellbutrin #depression #feelingbetter #sideeffects

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Adventures in brain chemistry

So I started taking Wellbutrin that my Dr prescribed for me last week. So far the side effects are strange but normal. I got pretty dizzy after taking the first pill yesterday, and for the rest of the day I felt drunk. Mostly lazy and loopy, my balance was off and I stumbled quite a few times. Today I had a headache but not sure if that was a side effect or just a headache. I have noticeably increased energy and I've been in a better mood all day. Still have a loopy/foggy feeling in my head but it's manageable. Dr said it takes 2 weeks for them to fully start doing their job, and even though the side effects can be nasty, I was told to stick with it and I'll start feeling better soon. I will try to keep the updates coming as I notice things changing. All I keep thinking is what if I'm a totally different person than who I know myself to be? What if my depression was worse than I thought and it took over my personality? I guess we shall see over the next couple months. It would be great to go back to the person I was when I danced and sang in the kitchen while I cooked, and did anything to make my friends laugh. I miss that person.

#Wellbutrin #depression #gettingbetter

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Source : thehappyslothclub

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“It is madness to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn.”

— Antoine de Saint-Exupére 

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Is America to Blame?

Have you ever noticed that America has a thing for criminalizing things they started? America brought African Americans to this country, to use them as slaves, years later when the slaves were free and African American people were once again just people, they were them targeted and unfairly profiled, and oppressed, being treated like criminals way more often than other ethnicities.

During this time, America is also giving stimulants to our soldiers during the war, to keep them awake for hours on end to keep fighting. Others are being given heroin for pain and to keep the soldiers fighting. No one gave any consideration to the fact that when the war ended and these soldiers came home, they'd have drug addictions. So here they came, dropped at home with no more drugs and no rehabilitation from everything they'd been given for however long, so we get a fresh batch of addicts, many of whom are homeless. What does America do with them? criminalize them! throw them in jail for extended periods of time, for an addiction they created.

Other countries discovered the other drugs that we now struggle to get an understanding of, and America gladly accepted them here, for a multitude of reasons, but when they decided they didn't like people from other countries coming here, they began making these different drugs illegal, and criminalizing specific ethnicities based on their drug of choice.

So in summary, is America a hypocritical union? Who are ok with something as long as it's benefiting them, but as soon as they no longer have a use for it or can't control it, they make it illegal and go after anyone who gets caught up in it? hmm...

[tripletangotwister]

You don’t need to overcome your disability or mental illness to be “worthy”.

There’s a lot of focus on people “defying the odds” and showing that their disability “can’t hold them back”.

But here’s the thing... sometimes your disability does hold you back. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to, you can’t do some things.

And it’s okay. You’re still worthy.

[tripletangotwister]

1038 (Y3) IAM

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Therapy App ➤ Stay Motivated ➤ Visit: PsychologyDaily.com