#but messages like these just make me feel so ashamed & like i’m some disgusting freak no one understands | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pinkandpurple360 · 6 months

Text

Blitz and Fizz Talk about “That”

(Edited)

The dialogue writes itself. I physically couldn’t stop writing this, it flowed so naturally. and I used S2E7 dialogue of Fizz about Mammon, past events in the series, and Stolitz stans’ own disgusting SA apologia

Blitz’s phone sounds off with a terrifying ringtone, which is his very own scream of horror: I’m tired of taking this bitch’s calls why doesnt he use his own security.. (he answers and puts on his sexy persona) Stolas, h-hey hot stuff..Ew fuck…what can I do you for..buddy?

Stolas wantonly screaming through blitzos phone: Don’t forget about our little rendezvous my sexy impish plaything~ Oh~~ my darling Blitzy 😩 I cant wait to feel your slimy f*cking imp c*ck in my sl*tty royal cloaca during the full moon tonight, I’ve been so pent up since our first date, I prepared all the lovely bear traps and knives for you to stab me with oh yeeees—-fuuuck—-jelly sandwiches—-

Blitz, holding the phone away from his face in disgust: Ok ok Stolas I fucking get it….(sigh) I mean uh yeah I’ll make you my bitch or whatever the fuck (hangs up while stolas is still masturbating and screaming, completely ignoring him) satan fucking dammit it’s that time already I was hoping he’d get the message.

Fizz, who blitz didn’t know was behind him: Holy shit Blitz that’s how Princey dirty talks to you? You don’t even seem to be into his shit-hell if some freak spoke to me like that-

Blitz, extremely embarrassed and ashamed: Look it’s just…how he is. And listen he’s not my fucking Prince. Like I kept telling you, Stolas is a thirsty bitch who doesn’t give a shit about guys like us, he just wants a lower class impish demon to fuck him so he doesn’t feel lonely. I get to stab and bite the bastard as much as I want cause he can’t get hurt, and he gets..off. Look it’s only a monthly thing I get through it just fine. It’s not something I fuss about. Christ on a stick It’s fine!! Look I need this gig—fizz don’t look at me like that.

Fizz, very confused: I just—Wait what “gig” are you talking about? Aren’t you two a thing..at Ozzies…

Blitz: I was…I just..ok I know this sounds fucked up but I was uh..celebrating the wedding anniversary with my employees alright..uh..without them seeing me-

Fizz, pissed: Ohhh the sappy vanilla ones who hit me over the head with the fuckin lute, hah, the ones you said you’ve “watched pork many times”? Fucking weirdo-

Blitz: Ok point is, I called Stolas and he got me past that prude ass incubitch bouncer who wouldn’t let me in, by scaring the fuck out of him, which was hilarious by the way-and it was all a fake ass date I never wanted.

Fizz: WHAT?? Are you saying threatened Jesse? And you pretend to care about our kind-What the fuck—you let that snotty Prince intimidate my staff, crash the club, and steal someone’s reserved fucking table for a fake date? Can you ever stop being such a piece of shit?

Blitz: The bouncer was a dick!! You’re missing the point! Look--this conversations getting off the fucking rails-I have to fuck this disgusting thirsty rich prick of a guy in any way he likes once a month so that he lets me borrow his fancy ass book and I can get on with my actual job of killing people. I don’t have much of a…I mean I go through with it too..It’s worth the price. The sex is not something I fuss about ok , I just pretend I’m somewhere else. And don’t look at me like that!! I get through it just fine!

Fizz, unnerved: You “get through” it? And you hate him this much? That sounds like…assault dude. You literally have no choice in this if he’s holding your whole job over your head and making do this to get it like you’re doing favours for favours. Lust shouldn’t be about force-

Blitz, defensive: You clowny ass drama queen It’s fucking not “assault!” I’m the one who dominates his ass!! I’m a grown ass man i can make my own decisions!! Like I said I fuck who I want when I want. I’m not going to be tied down to him. And…even if he makes me sick…I-I AGREED TO IT! I CAN LEAVE ANY TIME I WANT TO—IM NOT-HE’S Not..Im not a…fucking victim alright…it’s fine. He ruined his family over it so I at least owe him. Plus I take advantage in my own shitty ways he doesn’t know about.

Fizz, getting upset: Maybe you do, to fucking survive? This guys had everything handed to him like a pampered…ugh…And who cares if you aren’t some noble saint. Or if he gave up his family for a thrust he coerces out of you. It’s not your problem.

You’re a piece of shit yes but in this thing? Fuck no. It’s all him! That guy sounds like a fucking dick! He’s using you for everything because..well…plenty of people have always been actually into you, and he’s a fucking trash fire who can’t even keep his dirty laundry in his own home. He’s a creep and you clearly aren’t even all that attracted to the guy! Your ringtone for him is you screaming in terror!!! This freelance assassin bullshit can’t be worth this!!

Blitz: This job is, Fizz!! I need this gig, without it I’ll lose everything! My home, the independence I’ve finally fucking built, that guys like him never thought I could get. It’s for my daughter, Mox and Mills need me, and I..Ive fucked up enough times already in this department, as you said..my love life is a pile of shit.

Fizz: Look I wouldn’t have said that shit if I knew—

Blitz: I don’t want to be…alone like he is, even if it’s this shitty guy…at least someone wants me, I want someone with me..

Fizz: Right….Kindve like I wanted a father figure?

Blitz trying to force a laugh: come on!! That’s not even close to the same thing. It’s fine. I just, have to do this!

….loooong pause

Blitz: By the way he’s the goetia Prince from years ago that Cash sold me to as his friend for the day cause he liked my jokes, and I had to steal all his shit risking getting fucking killed as a child. he still laughs at my jokes actually it’s uh, I mean he can’t be that bad can he if he laughs—

Fizz:

#stolitz critical #a role play I couldn’t stop writing #helluva boss #blitzfizz

112 notes · View notes

atinydise · 3 years

Text

Ateez leaving their s/o for their exes

❦ Genre: Angst (yes it’s the mood these days! 😈)

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: 4k4.

❦ Background music: BlackPink - Lovesick Girls (Kdrama OST Version)

HONGJOONG

Once again, Hongjoong's voicemail asked you to leave a message. This week, he has been really busy. You couldn't see him at all. You tried to come to the studio, but he wasn't there, so you just gave up and waited for him to come. He didn't. For almost 2 weeks, you didn't receive a call or a text. The only way to see that everything was good for him, was his post on Ateez' social media. You were curious to know if he missed you, even a bit.

While you were scrolling on your Instagram Feed as a boring Friday night, you heard your entrance door opening. Your heart made a jump in your chest, he was finally free enough to come. "Hongjoong?" You asked, not moving a bit from the couch. In a short time, he appeared at the door frame. And honestly, you hated the look he had on his face. It was a mix of sadness and coldness. Something you never saw before. "Oh wow, are you okay? Because you look terrible." "Just tired." He replied, sitting on the seat, next to you but not really close as usual. "Do you want to go to sleep now? The bed is ready in any case-" "Y/N, I came here to break up with you."

A long and awkward silence settled in the room. Your brain wasn't processing the actual situation. It was so sudden. "Wait." You stopped him to say something else. "You can't come here after 2 whole weeks without talking to me, and just say 'let's break up'." "Y/N this is really not easy to do... can you please be more considering?" he sighed, running his hands through his blue hair. "Considerate? You don't even give me a reason. So, no, I won't be more considering." You said angrily. "It's just that I saw Jin at the bakery 1 month ago." He started. "We talked for 30 minutes or something and just with this short chat... I miss her. Like I can't stop thinking about her." You scoffed, not believing that he could do this to you. You stood up from the couch and went to the hallway to open the entrance door. "Where are you going?" He asked. "I'm staying there, but you... Get out." "Y/N, I don't want to-" "Hongjoong, get out. I can't even see you anymore." You stomped, pointing at the hallway. "You ghosted me for 2 weeks, not even asking me if I was okay or even alive. You should have told me that you were doubting about our relationship. But you decided to be selfish and to-" your voice crackhead. You knew sobs would come in a matter of time. "To ignore my feelings." Hongjoong was staring at you. He felt really ashamed of himself. "So, leave now. Please." You were practically begging him to go out of your apartment and obviously of your life. Hongjoong nodded and grabbed his jacket back. He stopped one last time in front of you. "I'm so sorry Y/N." He tried to grab your arm, but you stepped back, disgusted. You just pointed at the corridor once again and waited for him to leave. When he stepped out and that you closed the door, you couldn't hold your tears anymore. They stormed one by one on your face. You fell on your knees, your hand still holding the knob. For a second you freaked out because you couldn’t feel air going in your lung because of the emotion surrounding you. But it was not the worse pain today. You couldn't believe he chose her.

SEONGHWA

You were cooking for your boyfriend. He had a stressful week and you wanted him to relax a bit. Even with his ethic schedule, Seonghwa managed to spend some time with you. The only thing strange thing is that he was physically there but mentally, he was totally absent. It's like he wasn't listening to you anymore or that you needed to repeat every time the same question. "He might really be stressed," you concluded. So, as a good and kind girlfriend, you prepared him a good dish made with love.

The moment you heard the bell rings, you rushed to the door. "Hello beautiful soul," you greeted him. "Hi Y/N," he smiled at you. His smile was a bit sad, but you didn't mind, he was tired for sure. "I cooked a really good meal for you!" You said, entering back in the kitchen. He was following you, his big coat still covering his body. "Are you cold here?" You giggled, "I can turn on the heater if you-" "Y/N, can we talk a bit?" He asked, pointing at the table in the middle of the kitchen. "Sure." You sat down on the chair in front of him, glancing at your lasagna in the oven at the same time. "What's happening?" "You know how I hate lying to you or even hide something." He held your hand on the table. You just nodded, waiting for him to continue his speech. But you secretly enjoyed the warmness of his hands. "So, I will be frank." "You are making me anxious." You said, raising a brow. "I met my ex-girlfriend at the mall last week." He started. "I was about to ditch her, but a part of me wanted to talk to her." You puffed at his face, "you have really bad acting skills babe. I can't believe you." "I'm totally serious Y/N. I still have feelings for her." He finally said. "I'm not believing you." "I was distant a bit these days and I think you noticed it. I was constantly thinking about her." More and more Seonghwa was confessing his love for someone else, more he felt your hands removing the grip on his. "I don't think I stopped loving her honestly. I'm really sorry." You were speechless. You never thought that your night would end so badly. "Y/N, I really tried to convince myself that you were the one and only. But I just can't. I can't lie to myself. And I don't want to hurt you with a one-sided love. You deserve way more than that." He explained, trying to find the right way to make you understand the situation without hurting you. "I wish I didn't see her again, so we wouldn't be in this situ-" "I think I need some time alone," you said before going to the bedroom. Seonghwa was really tormented, he hated seeing you this way, but none of you will stay happy in this relationship, knowing that his heart was somewhere else.

YUNHO

"Oh, I didn't know you like black mushrooms! Hyena loved it too!" Giggled Yunho. You put down the pack of mushrooms you had in your hand. "Finally… I think I don't need it this week." "Hyena was indecisive too," he tickled your chin playfully. You smiled at him but inside of you, your whole soul was boiling. It's been almost a week that Yunho was non-stop talking, praising or even comparing you to his ex-girlfriend, Hyena. They dated for almost 2 years before you. Okay, it was one of his most important relationships, but why does he need to talk about her all the time? Everything started when they met at the supermarket. You saw the scene with your own eyes. You spotted the little sparkles in your boyfriend’s eyes when he was talking to her. You never thought she would be a danger since they broke up on bad terms. Seems like that you were wrong. She was a good threat for your couple. "What else do you need?" He asked, looking at the list. "I think I'm done for today to be honest." You replied, annoyed. "Really? Hyena is so stressed when she goes to the supermarket. She's like thinking she won't find anything anymore." He added. You turned around, to face him. "Can you stop talking about her?" Yunho blinked at you, looking like a puppy. "What do you mean?" "Hyena. You are nonstop talking about her! Hyena this, Hyena that!" "Ah really? I'm sorry, I didn't notice..." he apologized, biting his lip. "You kidding right? From the morning to the night, you have only her name in your mouth." "I'll stop talking about her, sorry." You were about to go back to your course list, but something was wrong. You faced your boyfriend again. "Why are you thinking about her so much? Do you miss being with her?" You asked, praying for him to say no. "I-I, no, of course no." He stuttered. "It's just because we saw her last week." "A part of me wants to believe the lie you just said." He bit his lip once again. He was definitely anxious. "Do you miss her? Yes or no?" You resumed, simply asking him to choose an answer. "This is complicated," he started. "I don't know." You scoffed, annoyed by this answer. You were usually comprehensive, but today it wasn't the case. You wanted to know if you were the only idiot since the beginning of this relationship. "This is not complicated Yunho. I think that you are in love with her." "I wouldn't say that, this is too strong." "Then tell me that you won't talk to her anymore and that I'm the only one you love." The long silence who settled between both of you was the best and shorter answer you could have. "I knew it." You whispered. "Y/N, it's just that we spent so many good memories together. I can't forget her like that." "I heard enough." You said, almost throwing back all of your vegetables in his arms. "Y/N wait, don't go." "I don't want to see you anymore. You obviously used me to forget your ex, but you failed." You said, before turning back again, but for the last time.

YEOSANG

You were in the subway, waiting for the train to stop at the right station. You needed to look at the board more than usual because your mind was somewhere else. You couldn't stop thinking of your boyfriend and his ex. He was meeting his ex-girlfriend every day for a whole week now. They needed to work together. They were the daily MC of a new idol program. At first, it didn't bother you. Yeosang was professional and they weren't even talking backstage. Until she starts to engage the conversation with him. When you went there to just say hi, you noticed a strong alchemy between these two. Useless to say that you didn't like it at all. Today, you went there with him again. You wanted to see their whole interactions. You were the first one to be there. Only a few staff were present to prepare the set. The first thing your boyfriend asked was "is Kira there?" He didn't even greet the staff. "No, she will be a little bit late today." "You want to see her so bad huh?" you asked. "Oh, come on don't start." He rolled his eyes. "Don't start what?" You asked, even if you knew exactly what he meant. "Your jealousy and stuff like that. We don't have enough time to argue right now." He said, before going to the hair stylist. "Well, that was cold." You muttered to yourself. You sat on the couch on the corner of the room. You were patiently waiting for Kira to arrive. You were about to fall asleep when, she entered, her hands full of chicken packs. "Yeosaaang! I got a surprise for you!" She yelled. "Oh, you scared me idiot!" He giggled at her. "Hello," you greeted her. "Oh hi, you are?" She smiled at you. "Yeosang's g-" "Friend! She's my friend." He cut you straight. You looked at him, completely horrified. Why was he lying on something so important? "Oh, nice to meet you," she handed her hand to you. You didn't care about her, you wanted to know why he acted this way. "Why did you tell her that I was your friend?" you asked Yeosang. "Y/N, it's not the moment." "I don't care if it's not the moment!" you replied back. "I'm your girlfriend. If you are ashamed of me then whatever I did, I'm sorry!" "Your girlfriend? I thought you were single Yeo." Added Kira. Your heart clenched, he literally told that he was single. "You told her that you were single?" Your voice cracked. "You are the worst person I know." "I wanted to tell you I swear. I would never do something like this." "Please give me a favor and erase me from your life. Because I'll do it." You said harshly before leaving, bumping into Kira which caused the packs of chicken to fall. You were sorry for not being polite enough, but the heartache you got right now was completely insane.

SAN

Your relationship with San was completely disastrous these days. He was barely talking to you and was completely out of mind. When you asked him what was going on, he was denying everything. Just saying that he was tired or even exhausted. You even asked his closest friend Wooyoung, but he couldn't help you. After a few days, you just gave up. You tried to cheer him as many times as you could, but it went worse day by day. When he was talking to you, he always had this sad smile on his face. You couldn't see this warm and kind presence in him anymore.

Tonight, you stayed at the dorm for the night. You had a movie night with the boys, and everything seemed pretty fine. San was laughing and talking like usual. He was just still a little bit distant with you, but it wasn't a matter anymore. At the end of the movie, everyone went to sleep. Only you and San were remaining in the living-room. "Should we go to sleep?" you yawned. "You can go if you want. I'll stay here for a bit." "You are not tired?" "Not really." "Then I will stay awake a bit too," you smiled at him. Touched by your actions, he smiled back at you. But you notice this sad look on his eyes again. "San," you called him quietly, "come and sit here." You patted the seat next to you. He nodded and executed. You didn't try to touch him in any kind of way, he seemed really tense. "What about you tell me what is going on babe?" You nicely asked. "What do you mean? Everything is fine." "I know you well, so I can spot when you're lying or not." You declared to dissuade him. Your boyfriend didn't reply. He simply stared at his feet. "Tell me." You insisted softly. "I won't judge you." "I think you will," he added. "I won't. Come on... I don't like seeing you like this." He hesitated again. But, seeing your face so worried about him made his heart clench. "Okay... It took at least a few weeks for me to consider the situation and try to find a solution." He glanced at you, looking if your attention was still on him. "I saw my ex-girlfriend 1 month ago." He gulped. "I know it's not a good thing at all. It was a coincidence. She was behind me at the queue." "And what's the matter?" You asked. San struggled to find his words. He knew that it would be hard no matter what he says. The whole situation was a torture for him. He kept this secret for so long that he was overwhelmed by it. "Babe, why are you crying?" you asked, terribly worried now. You tried to comfort him with a hug, but he moved back. "San, I just wanted to-" "I'm in love with her Y/N." He said, looking right at your eyes. He hated himself for doing this to you. The look on your face made his heart break in a dozen of pieces. "W-What do you mean by you love her?" You stuttered. "I can't stop thinking about her. I want to be with her again. No matter how hard I'm convinced you are my soulmate." He sobbed, wiping his tears. "San..." "I'm really sorry. I want to erase her from my mind, but I can't." He held your hands, keeping them on his cheek. "I don't want to lose you." "I need to go." You claimed, grabbing your shoes as fast as possible to leave the dorm. San tried to hold you back, but a part of him just convinced him to let you go. He wasn't sure about his final feelings for his ex-girlfriend. But he couldn't stay cold and distant with you.

MINGI

Yesterday, you talked about going to the amusement park together and he was so excited about this that you couldn't help but to buy 2 tickets the same night. Lucky for you, he had a whole day off. That's why you were surprised when he declined your offer. You didn't tell him that you bought tickets, it was supposed to be a surprise. And you were sure that today, your boyfriend and you, will have a really good day.

It didn't last long since you got to the dorm. You exited the taxi as fast as possible, your tickets right in your hand. You were holding them like if they would disappear. "Yes sure, I'll be glad to go there with you." You heard your boyfriend's voice in the hallway. You didn't focus too much on what he just said because you were glancing too much at the girl figure in front of him. He was smiling so much that it could hurt his jaw. "Mingi?" You called him with a quiet and shy voice. He stopped looking at this girl and focused on you. The smile on his face faded a little bit. But too much for your liking. "What are you doing here Y/N?" He asked, walking towards you. You shyly showed him the tickets for the amusement park that you were tightly holding since you hopped off the taxi. "You were so happy yesterday when he talked about that so I thought it would be a good idea to go today." You smiled at him. "Let's talk a second, please." He grabbed you by the shoulders to bring you in the staircase. "What's going on? And who's she?" "I can't come with you today. I'm sorry but Hyejin needs me for something." You raised a brow, "Hyejin? Like Hyejin, your ex-girlfriend?" He simply nodded, not daring to say 'yes' out loud. "You are seeing each other again? I mean it looks like you planned your day." "We saw each other last week and it was already planned." He said, biting his lip because he knows you will be upset. "Ah. So, you see each other a lot?" you asked. "These times yes, but strictly as a friend." "As a friend? Are you sure?" He was avoiding your stare. Since their first meeting after their break-up, he couldn't stop thinking about her. "Should I take this long silence for a no?" "I'm not sure." He finally replied. "Not sure?" you looked right at his eyes. "How is it possible to not be sure?" "I love you. But I love her too." His words felt like a ton of hammers hitting you right in your chest. Never you thought that these little words would be so painful. "How do you know you love her?" "I-I don't know, I just want to see-" "No wait. How do you know you loved me?" "Y/N, I love you. You should know that of course." "Then you should have been loving me and only me." You claimed, your mouth shaking a bit. "It's complicated..." he sighed. "It's not Mingi! You broke up with her because she cheated on you. Do you hear me? She cheated on you!" You talked enough louder for her to hear you. "I know that." "Are you really considering going back with someone who broke your heart?" You asked, completely disgusted. "She changed, she told-" "I can't." You cut him straight, bumping into him so you could exit this creepy staircase and stop seeing his face. Just before opening the entrance door, you saw her. With this arrogant smile on her face. You wanted to insult her, to punch her on this cold floor and yell that Mingi didn't deserve someone like her. But you just walked out and jumped in the first taxi. You were so disoriented that you couldn't even breathe anymore. The taxi driver didn’t have enough time to ask you where you were going, that you busted in tears on the back seat.

WOOYOUNG

“Hi guys”, you greeted the boys. “Hello Y/N,” said San, waving at you. “If you are looking for your boy, he’s choking at the cafeteria.” “What is he doing here? I thought he wanted to keep his diet.” “We don’t know but he seems pretty confused these days.” Added Yunho. “Alright... I go check on him.” You said, leaving the backstage room. As fast as you could remember, you went straight to the cafeteria. Exactly as the guys said, Wooyoung was there. He was bent over the balcony, his gaze lost on the city under him. His back was facing you, but you could feel a strange aura coming out from him. You opened the door slowly and joined him. “I think you are going to hurt yourself if you jump this high.” Wooyoung giggled lightly. “Even if my body is going to crush away, that wouldn’t be the painful thing right now.” “That’s not ready a mindset you should have before going up on stage.” You stated. “What’s going on?” Your boyfriend sighed once again. He was still looking right at the crown under the balcony. “Do you think you are going to forgive me?” “For what?” “For falling in love with someone else.” You looked straight at him. You could easily say when your boyfriend is joking but now, you saw that it wasn’t the case at all. “Are you...?” “Serious? Yeah. Sadly I am.” He ran his hands through his black hair. “I’ve met Soojin backstage and my dumb heart fell for her again.” Even if you were disappointed and sad about this unexpected confession, you couldn’t be mad at him. “It’s okay. We can’t control our feelings.” You tried to comfort him. “You are not mad at me?” You shook your head, “it’s better that you told me before doing stupid or regret it for the rest of your life. Right?” “You are so... perfect! Why I am so stupid!” He punched his forehead. You held his hand before he could hurt himself. “Don’t. Feel. Mad.” “If only I could turn off a button to erase these feelings about her!” “Maybe it’s just because you saw her...” Before Wooyoung could explain, Seonghwa interrupted both of you. “Lovebirds stop flirting! Wooyoung we need to go.” You were not lovebirds anymore. “I’m coming!” He yelled back. “Let’s go.” “I think it’s better if I don’t come with you.” “Y/N...” “Don’t worry about me! I’m a strong and grown girl!” You flexed your arm. “I really need to go but I don’t think I’m done with you.” He patted your back. You nodded enthusiastically just to make him leave. No way, he could be here to see the “strong and grown girl” busting in tears.

JONGHO

You had a day off today and decided to spend it by your own since Jongho was too busy to hang out with you. Despite the disappointment, you didn’t give up and motivated yourself to enjoy a solo shopping day. You bought everything you found cute. Your only thought was to wear it for your boyfriend. All the compliments he told about your look since the first day you met, gave you a big head.

When you claimed that you were done for today (or better to say when you receive a message from your bank account asking you if your credit card was stolen), you went back home. On the way, you heard your boyfriend’s laugh not far away from you. Even if you thought that it was impossible, you followed your instincts and turned around. You were absolutely right; he was there at the terrasse of this cafe. Laughing with this girl who was smiling widely at him. Instinctively, you hid behind the nearest bus stop. A bunch of people were looking at you weirdly, but your attention was right on the scene in front of you. This girl’s face was familiar to you. “Is she a staff member?” You whispered. Instinctively, you took your phone off your bag and texted Jongho. [“Where are you?”] [“Practice room. Busy.”] “Sure...” you grunted. He was lying to you and seemed to be perfectly fine with it. Before sending him another text, you kept listening to their conversation. You didn’t know what to expect from Jongho. He seemed so different. So fake. Exactly how the boys described him when this girl is around. [“Hope you are having fun because Sienna looks like she is.”] Sienna. His ex. You saw an old photo of both of them on Jongho social media before you started to date. When the boy read your message, you saw his facial expression being confused. [“Where are you? I can explain.”] You didn’t want to confront him by message. You got out of your hiding place and walked just in front of the table. “Hello lovebirds.” You greeted them sarcastically. “Y/N...” “Who is she?” “I’m Y/N. His current girlfriend.” You replied before he could. “But I don’t think I will stay it for long because I heard your conversation. Seems like he really wants to go back with you. Congratulations.” You clapped arrogantly. Jongho stood up, gripping your wrist, “Y/N stop. We will talk about that.” “I don’t want to talk about it with you. Wait.” You paused, pointing at him. “I don’t want to talk with you anymore.” “Y/N.” “If I didn’t cross the street randomly, I would never hear you saying that you missed to be with her and that you never stopped to love her.” “I can explain.” He repeated. Angrily, you grabbed the lemonade glass on the table and poured it on Jongho. “Too late for your miserable explanations Choi Jongho.” You throw the glass on the floor right between both of you and left them there. People would probably think that you did it to be dramatic, but no it was only to show Jongho how you felt. Broken inside.

#ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #ateez scenario #ateez reaction #ateez angst #ateez x you #ateez x atiny #ateez x reader #ateez #ateez kpop #ateez sad #ateez reader insert #ateez imagine #ateez imagines #ateez writings #ateez writing

261 notes · View notes

uncurlinglikeflowers · 3 years

Text

Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well.

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked.

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things.

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure.

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance.

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before.

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him.

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay.

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways.

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts.

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most.

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval.

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family.

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles.

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek.

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life?

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride.

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today.

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process.

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection.

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us.

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

#pride #gay #lgbt #journaling #love #queer #coming out #coming out stories #queer trauma #adolescent trauma #self love #healing #trauma

20 notes · View notes

growsagain · 2 years

Note

Heya! I've been a long time fan (and am BEYOND excited to see you making a comeback WOO), and I really wanted to ask what got you through the early days of making kinky content; I've been really struggling to commit myself to making belly/gas fetish artwork, but I seem to be caught in an endless loop of being really excited about it, making an account, posting some stuff, but then getting embarassed about it and deleting my account before it has a chance to go anywhere! Did you ever struggle with anything like this when starting out or have any advice to someone looking to make content for this type of communuty? Best wishes to you!

Thank you so much for your lovely message and I’m so sorry it’s taken me a few days to reply, at the moment everything‘s so hectic as we plan for a really rough move but afterwards I’m going to be able to make soooo much for content so it will be worth it!

I really get where you’re coming from, and yes, I’ve definitely been there. It‘s a complicated answer and please feel free to drop by my asks again if you would like to talk about this more and I’m happy to talk more privately if it’ll help, but I’m going to post this openly since I hope it might help someone else.

I think what it comes down to is being ready, and that’s something you can’t rush, as frustrating as it is. Before I started making content as gurgle goddess I’d tried twice before, the first time I posted content on yahoo groups (yeah, that was a looooong time ago) then I posted belly noises without video on yt back in late 2006, and for a while both times it was fine and I was enjoying it and then one day I would freak out and drown in shame, and then I’d delete everything and pretend the whole thing never happened.

the problem was that I was just so ashamed of my fetish. I was ashamed of something I wish I had accepted all along because when I just came out and told people no one actually batted an eyelid. No one cared! No one mocked me or deserted me and a couple of people told me they thought it was cute or sweet! it was soooo not the disgusted reaction I had expected. And that’s not to say there aren’t assholes out there who will attack us in this community for no good reason and call us disgusting etc but I’d bet a lot of them are covering for their own discomfort at finding something they’re into and are trying to fight or ignore it, and as for the rest they’re the same kind of assholes that attack *anyone* for something they like, a fandom, a video game, a tv show, a band... basically it’s about them having a need to attack people for enjoying something rather than the thing they’re attacking.

Here’s a bit more about why I started making my own content as gurgle goddess, I’ll post it under the cut since it’s quite long. tw for mentions of suicide

not long before I started making my own content I had come out about my fetish. I’d kept it quiet for 32 years. I was in a bad place in my life, stuck in an abusive relationship, feeling so bad about myself in general, feeling like there was no way out of endless darkness. I’m not sure how frank I’ve ever been about this in my fetish stuff but I was absolutely on the edge of taking my life, and by on the edge I mean I stood up to go and take an overdose when my homestuck notifier (I know, I knoooow) went off on my laptop and I thought ‘I’ll just read this first’. There’s a lot more to that story but the important part is that I jumped on tumblr afterwards to see what others were saying about the update and I started reading and reblogging a whole bunch of posts, and somewhere in that mess of a night I thought to myself if something as small as an update on a webcomic can still make me feel excited then there’s got to be something worth holding on for, so I did. And a big part of that was to throw myself to the mercy of tumblr, which I’d just started using regularly. I forced myself out of my comfort zone, to open up and talk to people, I made friends, and four months to the day I decided to live I met Lucy. And the rest, as they say, is history 🥰

but between those days, one day in January 2013, i‘d received some anon asks from someone who said they had an embarrassing kink and wanted advice to dealing with it but wouldn’t say what it was, even though they were on anon. I told them I‘d share mine if they shared theirs. I don’t think they ever did but people started sending me guesses and they were all waaaaay off the mark! So I gave a couple of clues and after about an hour of various people guessing it someone actually did, and I’d said at one point I would ‘fess up if anyone guessed it so I stayed true to my word and did just that.

I was literally shaking. In my head it had become such a massive deal. After hiding it for so long and feeling so much shame I was imagining everyone unfollowing me and mocking me forever. In fact, two of my followers confided they had similar fetishes and others confessed their own. Two of them even hooked up through having the same kink that night! It was kind of crazy. And the next morning I just kind of felt... wow. I really did that, huh??

I’d been doing erotic cosplay for a couple of months as a way to try to accept my body which I hated and when my frustration at there being a lack of the kind of content I really wanted to see out there it felt like the natural step to make it myself. But this time I made the decision that if I was going to do it I was going to do it full-face and all. I hoped it might help others who had kept their fetish to themselves to stop feeling ashamed too.

I think for me I had reached a point where everything in my life was so dark and so low all the time that when I began to pull myself out of it and find some happiness I didn’t want to have to hide away any more or pretend to be someone I wasn‘t. For the same reason I began to look at my gender issues and work out who I really was, buried beneath three decades of what other people told me I was.

keep trying. Keep starting, even if you feel the need to stop again. Keep creating, keep enjoying it, it’s a fundamental part of you and I promise you it gets better. many of us in the community have freaked out and deleted everything, most of us more than once. But it’s worth it to keep trying, because one day you’ll be ready. You’ll be in the right place. maybe that day’s today. Maybe tomorrow. But it will come.

I promise it’s worth it. Good luck 😊💙

#Asks #croc-o-gator #Thank you so much for this ask #I’m sorry my response is so wordy!#I’m very passionate about this

2 notes · View notes

wendystales · 3 years

Text

Memories - lrh (Chapter Five)

Memories (also available on Wattpad)

Chapter Four ※※※※※ Chapter Six

Noah parks the car in front of a beautiful house. My stomach churns more every second and I almost throw up when Leah opens my door. I spent the whole way rehearsing what I was going to say, but in truth, I can't remember anything and I have doubts if I will even be able to say ‘hi’.

“Well, Noah's house is down the street, we'll be there. In case it goes wrong, just call, text or shout, I don't know. We come running. Now, just in case you are okay, just don't send anything.” Leah fixes my hair and coat.

“Good luck!” Noah gives me a kiss on the cheek, before they get in the car.

I take a deep breath about five times before I press the bell. I hear the house door open and I almost pass out. Seconds later the gate opens and I feel my pressure drop slightly.

“Marnie? How did you get here?” he looks for a car, but the twins are gone.

“The wonder twins brought me.” I shrug.

“Why are you here?” he doesn't look happy or sad to see me.

“Hm, I need to talk to you. About the two of us, more precisely.” I press my fingers against each other, noticing my trembling.

“Okay, do you need help to get in?” he asks pointing to the boot on my foot. I accept the help and with support I enter his house.

I stand in the hall while he closes the door. We head to the kitchen, where he offers me a drink, but I refuse. If I drink something now, I’m sure I’ll get it out.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” he asks with a fake smile.

“Do you know.” I speak softly and awkwardly.

“About your meeting with Stephen? Yeah, I know.” he raises his eyebrows quickly, before opening a bottle of water.

“Luke …” I start, but he interrupts me.

“What? Isn't that what I'm thinking? Or was he the one who kissed you?” Luke doesn't change his tone of voice, but it still hurts. I am even ashamed to say that it was both alternatives.

“I really had no intention, he took advantage of the moment.” I try to defend myself.

“Yes, Marnie, that's what he does, what he's always done and what he's always going to do.” he look at me upset.

“Please try to understand me, I needed to see him, I needed to talk to him.” I'm starting to despair. It looks like it will come to nothing.

“The worst thing is that I understand, Marnie. I don't know how things are in your head, but if you needed it, we would arrange it, because all we want to do is help you.” he hits the bottle against the island's hail.

“I never wanted any of this to happen.” I look back at him after a while. “Both the accident and Stephen. If I had my head in place, I wouldn't have let any of that happen. Sorry.” Luke cuts eye contact and stares at the floor. “I never meant to hurt you.” I whisper. “And I will understand if you hate me for the rest of your life. Believe me, I hate myself a lot now.” I finish.

Luke lets out a humorless laugh and I notice his teary eyes.

“That's the problem, Marnie. Since I saw you, I try to hate you and I can't, you must know why.” he throws the ball back to me.

Cause he love me. I look away, not being able to sustain it. I know the answer, that's the shit. I sit on the stool facing the glass door leading to his garden. Luke sits next to me and we stay like that for a few minutes.

“I just don't want him to manipulate you, or hurt you. Marnie, I know how this story still moves you, how it is still hurt. I don't want to have to see you go through this again.” he vented, visibly tired.

I can't say anything for a few minutes. My mind spins at high speed. I review all my memories with Stephen at school, on the afternoons he took me to the beach or the pier and everything seemed perfect, like in a movie. I feel my heart race in nostalgia and longing. Even angry, even disgusted.

“When he kissed me …” I start, but Luke tries to interrupt me. “It didn't feel right. It wasn't him.” I finish quickly, returning to face him. His blue eyes look at me with a mixture of pain and hope. “I know I don't remember you and us yet, but something inside me knows and I want to hear that thing, but at the same time, I feel like an intruder in my own life. As if I were an impostor, the bad twin. In my head, I was going to leave everything the way it was, untouchable, so that when the ‘real me’ came back, everything was in place.” I vent.

It is horrible not to fit in with my own life, with my own self.

“What if doesn't come back?” he asks quietly.

“I freak out.” I shrug, making him laugh lightly. At least I made him laugh.

Of so many people at that intersection, of so many cars, mine had to be hit. In the midst of this confusion, if it had to happen, then I would prefer it to be a total blank, forget everything. Perhaps it was easier to start from scratch, than from a crucial point for what I have become today.

“What made you believe the story?” Luke asks quietly.

“I wrote in my diary, shortly after we met and probably I tell you. Everything that happened that day.” my throat closes when I remember the written words. “It was hard to believe my mother, because I know she couldn't stand him, but I couldn't help but believe me.”

“I thought you stopped with the diary.” I look at him confused “That's what you said to me, a while after you told me about the day and about the diary.”

“Did you read the diary?” I ask with my breath caught. I remember everything I said about him. I feel my cheeks heat up. This is what I haven't read all yet.

“No, you never left.” he shrugs. I breathe relieved.

We stayed in silence for a while longer. It is strange that even with all this hurricane, I feel very comfortable with Luke. My body recognizes him.

“Honestly, I'm trying to absorb everything. I'm upset with the kiss, but, deep down, I always knew you weren't to blame, but it still hurts. Deep down, we both know we need some time and I don't want to lock you up to me.” he speaks looking at the garden.

I look at him confusedly.

“Are we breaking up?” I don't know if that's what I wanted.

“It doesn't have to be an end, just a break.” he shrugs.

“Luke, a break, is a disguised ending.” again he laughs, I don't know why.

“Deep down, you're still the same Marnie, even though you feel like an intruder.” he looks at me with a smile and again, I feel intimidated around him. I look away. “I don't want to break up with you, Marnie, but I know you need space and time. Like me. It's just a break, but if you meet someone and don't want to come back… I will understand and respect you.” he explains.

So it seemed easier, meeting someone new, starting from scratch. New memories, without having to stick to the past, without trying to reconstruct everything. It looks so easy, why does it seem so wrong!?

“What if you find someone?” I ask quietly, looking at the drawings of my cast, as if that were a thousand times more interesting.

“I doubt it, but if it does, I'll talk to you first and we'll see what to do. You need to get close to the people and I don't want to be a hindrance, they are your friends too and you need them.”

I need you too, hell. I bounce mentally, without the courage to say it out loud. I know I need him, but I can't make him stay if he doesn't feel comfortable.

“Won't be that weird climate? I don't want it to be that thing just because I arrived, you have to go and vice versa.” I face him. Luke watches me for a few seconds before proceeding.

“There's no reason to be. We are fine, we always have been.” he assures me.

I roll my eyes, visibly irritated. Why does he have to be so understandable? Couldn't he yell at me and hate me? It would be much easier to go on like this.

“You can't be real.” I mumble, making him laugh again, but this time louder.

“Come here.” he gets up and pulls me into a hug.

Luke was taller. Much taller. Then it got a little difficult, without being able to stay at my tiptoes. He notices and sits back down, burying his face in my neck. I close my eyes, feeling its scent bring me a sensation, but it doesn't bring me any memory.

Still hugging him, I scan his refrigerator, seeing a polaroid of ours holding Petunia, his little dog, glued to a drawing. In art, I see Luke, me, Petunia and my brothers all holding hands and several flowers around. I soften seeing that he still keeps everything.

“ I'm sorry.” I whisper again.

“It's okay, M&Ms.” he whispers back.

I leave the embrace, feeling lighter and calmer. Luke still gives me a kiss on the forehead before I pull away completely. As good as the mood was, I was not going to push my luck, I had better go. I send a message to Leah and wait.

“Er, Ash commented on a dinner on Friday, are you going?” I ask.

“Still don1t know.” he sighs. “But it is very likely. You want me to go?” he questions uncertain.

“Yes! I would like it very much. It will be good to be with everyone.”

“Then I go.” he gives a closed smile.

“Er, before I go …” I feel embarrassed again “What about Petunia?”

“Do you remember her?” question incredulously.

“It was one of the first things I remembered in PowerPoint.” I reply shy.

“Do you remember her and not me?” he remains incredulous.

“ I'm sorry.” I don't hold it for a long time, I cover my face and start laughing, really nervous. Luke stops with his hands on his hips, shaking his head.

“Michael went to hike the observatory and offered to take her. Maybe I’ll take her on Friday.” he smiles.

“Thanks!”

I hear the car and say goodbye to him. As I expected, Noah and Leah look closely at the two of us, like two curious children. Luke helps me into the car and gives me another kiss on the forehead.

“Please take good care of her.” he asks leaning against the window.

“I don't know what you mean by that.” Noah is offended. “If you still refer to the day she tried to escape and hung in the bathroom window, it was only once! And I was busy doing my feet.”

“Wait, what?” I ask scared from the back seat.

What the fuck did I hang on the bathroom window?

“Long story, I'll explain later.” Noah counters.

We said goodbye again and left. I stick my head out of the window, waving at him.

I don't know what my future is with Luke, but I was very happy that we got it right. And, deep down, I didn't lose hope, after all, I already fell in love with him once, nothing prevents it from happening again.

“So?” Leah asks.

“We took a break, but we're fine.” I smile happily.

[...]

I leave the closet wearing a black cotton dress, because it was the easiest clothes to wear, because of the boot. The hair stuck in a ponytail, due to the heat. And without makeup, I'm not into it.

“Well?” I ask Noah, who was lying on my bed reading a magazine that I was on the cover.

“Beautiful as always. Ready?” he throws the magazine on the chair, coming towards me.

“No!” I give a nervous smile.

“Everything will be fine. Everyone is crazy to see you. You will love.” he hugs me, rocking me from side to side. “Shall we go?”

I confirm after a sigh. Everyone was at Ashton's house, ready to see me, and as ready as I felt, deep down, I wasn't.

The rest of my week was quiet, few memories, but a lot of pain in my arm, but the doctor said it would be common for one day or another to hurt. My father, my mother, Leah and Ashton came to visit me almost every day and after much conversation, I convinced my mother to return to her home. So at the end of the day, I was alone. Which is great, because I have peace and quiet to put my ideas in place.

On the way to Ashton's house, I go over some points with Noah so as not to be embarrassed, I know they are not expecting much from me, but even so, I prefer to avoid constraints.

As we get closer to the house, I feel my stomach churn. I try to snap my fingers, but with a hand in a cast it doesn't give much. When we park at the door, my legs freeze and I need Noah to help me more than usual to get out of the car.

Noah rings the bell and the laughter that filled the house ceases. Ashton opens the door and, when he sees us, opens a smile, hugging me and pulling me inside. I take his arm and follow him into the living room, where everyone is standing looking at me anxiously.

Michael. Kyleen. Calum. Luke. Leah.

“Piggy!” I shout excited when she comes towards me.

“I still can't get over it.” I hear Luke speak indignantly, but I do not answer, because I am focused on that huge and cute four-legged being.

After falling apart with Petunia, I again lean on Ashton who brings me closer to them. Luke and Leah are further behind, since she practically lives with me and I’ve seen Luke before. I stick to Ash more, like a child afraid and embarrassed to talk to strangers.

“Hi!” I wave after a sigh.

Everyone gives a bigger smile and waves back. It's so weird, the way everyone looks at me, I know they know me and that's what scares me. Ashton sits me on the couch and everyone sits around me, staring at me, like I'm an alien.

“Okay, this is getting weird and uncomfortable.” I comment by holding the air.

“Sorry.” everybody talks.

“It's just… it's weird, you don't remember anything, none of those last years?” Kyleen asks curiously.

“No, no. In fact, I remembered a few things already, but in the beginning, nothing.” I give a closed smile.

“And how do the memories come? Do you have any pain?” I turn to Michael, who looks at me impressed, as if I'm a superhero of the video games that I know he plays.

“No, no pain. Do you know when you drink a lot and have a hangover that you don't remember at first and then during the day, the memories come?”

“Yes!” everyone responds, much to my surprise.

“My God! You guys drink it, huh.” I comment scared. Everyone looks at each other with a laugh. “Well, it's like that. They start popping up in my head. Sometimes out of nowhere, sometimes because of some video, photo or text.”

“Aah” they speak in unison, again.

“Any more questions?” I control the smile. My God, they really look like kids asking questions with an adult.

“Have you remembered all of us?” I look at Kyleen again. Unlike the photos, she now has several strands colored by her long hair.

I dry swallow. How to answer that without causing it?! I had remembered almost everyone but Luke. I had no direct memory of him. If he showed up, it was like an extra, deep down, far away. However, nothing he and I. Soon who I was most curious to remember.

“So-so. Nothing too direct, but everyone has already emerged in some way.” I try to answer, without being very clear.

I glance at Leah almost shouting ‘change the focus’ and luckily for me, she understands.

“What about your arm and your leg? Do they still hurt?” she shrugs.

“Not much and I made a point of reserving a space for you.” I extend the cast of my arm and in less than two minutes, everyone is proofreading to write things.

We ended up eating right there, each with a plate of pizza on your lap. I was still watching everyone, I didn't know who I was looking at, since everyone was talking together. To Noah's happiness, I remembered his hair and again Calum and I were out of breath from laughing.

In revenge, Noah commented on the day that I, drunk, tried to escape through the bathroom window and got stuck, leaving only with a lot of butter. I cover myself with the pillow when he throws the photo, my God what have I become?!

Suddenly, my mind starts to form another puzzle.

““I take a deep breath, feeling my body, especially my head, tingling. It's already the third round and I need to win again. Also because I bet with Ashton that I beat Mike and his friend, that I have no idea who he is.

I kiss the ball and throw it in the direction of the blue cup. The ball rotates around the edge and falls into the cup beside it. I shout with the whole audience at our side, celebrating. Mike turns the glass around reluctantly, while I continue my victory dance.

His friend takes the ball and plays, hitting it too. I turn the glass over, just like Michael a second ago. I blink a few times, already feeling drunk and very light. If a wind hits, I fly away, for sure.

Kiki takes the ball and closes an eye, aiming. I don't know if it's the high and mixed level of alcohol in my blood or if it really happened, but I swear I saw that little ball going in full slow motion into their last glass, signaling our victory. Three-time champions.

I raise my arms, giving, perhaps, the biggest scream I have ever given. I hug Kyleen jumping and spinning in place. However, doing this drunk is not the best option, since in a few seconds, Kiki and I were sinking into the pool.

I come back to the surface watching Mike roll over on the floor laughing and Noah looking at us both confused and angry, as always he was responsible for us. Poor boy."”

I resolve not to interrupt the conversation about the trip to Hawaii. Michael was laughing out loud as they left that Mark alone in the market. Leah once again withdraws in regret.

“Say, the sex was very good, right? Because you stayed with him for three months, something had to be really good.” Calum asks.

“Worse than not, I pretended every time.” At once, the whole room explodes in laughter. “It was a difficult time and he was always available.” she tries to justify herself. “And so complaining about it, worse than Mark just Emery.” she points to Ashton and everyone says "uuh".

“What?” I ask lost. “Was she boring?”

“Boring? Boring?” Mike raises his voice indignantly. “Luke is boring, she was unbearable.” I hold my laughter watching Luke look at Mike in offense.

“ I'm not boring.”

“Of course it is, I don't know how Marnie put up with you and your little jokes.”

“Because you never heard hers.” Luke counters and now I feel offended.

“Hey! My jokes are not bad.” I throw the cushion at him.

“Damn the jokes, let's talk bad about Emery.” Kyleen begs sly.

“I was afraid of her. She entered Calum's house by jumping over the wall, who does that?” Mike reveals.

“Was my house a pet and the hotel room in Denmark? It came out of nowhere. But nothing beats Mitch's birthday party.” Calum raises his eyebrows and once again, everyone is laughing, remembering.

“What?” but does it cost them to tell everything at once?

Noah once again takes out his cell phone and hands it to me. The video shows me and most likely Emery, tangled in a blur of hair pulling and scratching.

“That's not me.” I say in total shock to see my face very well lit.

“Oh, yes it is.” Noah answers.

“In total anger held for four long months.” Calum complete.

I watch Luke trying to get away from her, while Jack from All Time Low, tries to hold Emery. In the background I notice Calum sitting drinking, watching everything in peace. Noah was trying to get in the middle like Ashton. Leah and Kyleen shouted angrily for me to punch Emery and Michael… well.

“Who recorded this?” I ask seeing everyone pointing Michael. I look at him in awe. “Michael!”

“You wanted me to do what? I had been waiting for this moment for months.” he defends himself.

“But why did this happen?” I hand the phone back to Noah.

“Because Emery was kind of obsessive and crazy!?” Kyleen answers quietly, before drinking the beer.

“Emery never liked you and the girls, but mainly you because of our friendship. Because we were doing yoga all day. She was very jealous and you knew it, but you stayed in your corner, didn't provoke her.” Ashton responds with a grimace, perhaps knowing that the ex affair's paranoia was nonexistent. “Until that day, Emery, I don't know, freaked out and both started to argue.”

“Until you freak out and fly on her like a lioness.” Leah completes with a smile on her face.

“My God what have I become?” I sink on the couch, astonished.

“Calm down, we didn't even tell you about the time you climbed on Calum’s roof to jump into the pool and got stuck in your pants.” Michael ‘tries’ to calm me down.

21 notes · View notes

baeklooming-day · 4 years

Text

Lemon cake | Baekhyun

Lines 6. “I need a place to stay.”, 8. “You’re seriously like a man-child.”, 16. “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”

Summary: There is this boy who just won’t leave you alone, no matter which time of the day, and no matter how much your cat despises him.

Genre: Fluff!!, Cheeky Baek

Word Count: 2k

Main Masterlist. | Cheeky Baek Masterlist.

„This is definitely NOT happening right now.”

You felt a familiar warmth creeping up your cheeks, a feeling all too familiar.

And all you could tell was that it wasn’t a blush of a pleasant feeling of any sort, it was the angry and flaming blush which was an evident signal of you starting to loose all your cool.

And you nearly did loose all your remaining cool in one go as soon as you looked down on your bathroom floor where you were crouching.

As good as half of your previously perfectly cleaned and shining bathroom floor was now all covered in little cat treats which fell from the ripped open packaging, leaving annoying crumbs on your new jeans, on the floor where they fell, some of them rolling away through the entire bathroom and stopping just when they hit the side of your bathtub.

Usually, you would take the scissors to open something like this neatly, but not knowing why, just today you decided to open it solely with your hands.

And just today, in that precise moment when you were about to open it with intention to surprise your cat with new snacks, your doorbell which unfortunately was loud as freak decided to invade the peaceful silence of your apartment and startle you almost to death, the result of it being you literally ripping the packaging open and creating a great mess.

Well, not that it was the doorbell which rang on its own and decided to make you hate this morning, but rather the person standing outside and ringing it.

It was exactly seven o’clock in the morning, and since you didn’t expect anyone at this early hour anyway, your blood started to boil once again as you could already tell who it was.

You let out a loud annoyed groan, slowly standing up. You didn’t even think of cleaning up the current mess present in your bathroom right now, you went out and made sure to close the door so that your cat couldn’t barge in and eat everything at once.

You would deal with it later.

Now, you needed to deal with another, much more nerve pulling problem.

You grabbed your phone which was laying on a little white table in your long corridor, throwing one quick glance at the screen to confirm your suspicion on who was behind your door just now.

Ten missed calls.

Twenty five unread messages.

And two snaps.

An almost disgusted expression made its way on your beautiful face, you let out yet another groan and walked towards your door.

You stopped right in front of it, wondering that maybe, just maybe, you could pretend as if you weren’t at home, but you decided that it wouldn’t do much now, as your annoyed groans were probably too loud to fail to hear, even through the closed thick door.

You didn’t even care or try to mask your pained expression as you decisively swung the door open, revealing a sight all too familiar to you.

Way too familiar, you weren’t even seeing your own reflection as often as what was before you at your doorstep.

„Are you waking up looking already like an ethereal goddess?”

You squinted your eyes, contemplating whether to just slam the door and lock it, disable the doorbell, and throw your phone through the window or just deal with it again.

You gave the light haired boy at your doorstep a look full of an unmasked disapproval, regretting taking so long to think, given that even if you really wanted it was already too late to slam the wooden door in his face as he smoothly slid past you into your apartment.

„Byun Baekhyun.” You said through your gritted teeth, trying to be as calm as you could.

The said boy turned around, placing his hand on the closed door next to your head.

What in the world was it, a move taken from some Korean drama?

„Y/L/N Y/N.” He mirrored you, saying your own name. „Why aren’t you answering me? I called you what feels like million times.”

„Yeah, figures, it was ten times, ten times too much.” You said, crossing your arms on your chest.

„Wh-”

„Baekhyun, I swear, how many times did I already tell you to stop following me around like some puppy.” You said as you pushed his hand away and proceeded to walk through your corridor to the living room, him just following closely behind you without adding anything.

Before you entered your living room, you abruptly turned around to face him, making him pretty much hit his head on the doorframe.

Well deserved.

„You are seriously like a man-child. You know that?” You asked rhetorically.

„My mom told me to follow my dreams, so that’s what I’ve been doing past these two months.” Baekhyun said, as if it was the most casual thing to say.

You only squinted your eyes again in response. „That was so bad.”

„Was it?” He walked past you into your living room, stopping by your white couch and tracing circles on the soft pillows with his finger. „I think it wasn’t.”

Alright, no, he was starting to ramble on.

You couldn’t continue talking like this, not when his sole presence was already driving you mad by now.

„Dude, I swear” You muttered under your nose. „So what do I owe this wonderful visit this time? And why are you looking as if a military van ran you over? Did you even sleep last night?” You questioned, critically observing the state he was in.

His light hair looked a little damp, whilst the visible redness of his chocolate eyes and dark circles underneath them looked like an evident lack of solid sleep.

Baekhyun let out a deep breath, playing with the silver ring on his finger. „Um. I need a place to stay.”

„You need what?” You widened your eyes. „Listen, I know you have load of friends. Go ask your boys!” You spat, wondering who did he think he was.

Whoever he thought himself to be, he wasn’t.

„But the question is, why do you need a place to stay out of nowhere?” You asked.

„Well” He started. „My mom left for a business trip and I, um, I don’t have the keys to our apartment. I forgot them inside.” He said, sounding at least a LITTLE bit ashamed of himself.

„And where were you last night?”

„I was out for drinks and stuff with friends...” He bent over your couch, resting his elbows on the pillows and massaging his temples.

„W-wait, wait.” You paused. „Baekhyun, are you drunk?” You asked the boy incredulously.

After hearing your question, he immediately straightened himself, as if trying to look composed even though it was obvious that he looked everything else but that. „I feel fine.”

You just couldn’t believe this.

„Dude, how baked are you?” You asked even more incredulously. „Haha, baked, Baekhyun, get it? Okay, never mind.” You quickly disappeared into your kitchen before he could make any comment on your obviously bad joke.

You opened the cupboard, looking for black tea for him, hoping that it would be able to shake him more awake and return clarity to his mind.

Just as you were opening the little elegant tea box, you heard Baekhyun’s voice coming from the living room.

„Awe, Earl Grey!”

You took a look at the tea bag in your hand. „Yeah, I’m making you earl grey!” You shouted back, not thinking much.

But then you almost burned yourself with the hot steaming water for tea, as the next thing you heard was a loud, not content meow.

Your cat must’ve woken up and come into the living room, judging by the tone of his meowing not being particularly happy about what he had found there.

You should’ve realized right away as soon as you heard Baekhyun’s voice, unfortunately the damage had been already done.

Your cat’s name was Earl Grey.

And he absolutely hated Baekhyun.

You thought that there wasn’t any particular reason for why Earl Grey visibly despised the careless boy, given that he was always nice to your cat every time he showed up.

You quickly filled the prepared cup with water and rushed into the living room.

You expected to be met with a very questionable scene, but instead you found only your beloved cat sitting on the couch and looking straight at you with big eyes.

Baekhyun was nowhere to be seen.

„Earl Grey, my baby, where did our baked Baek disappear?” You asked as you crouched in front of your couch and lovingly hugged Earl Grey, giving him a little kiss on his soft little forehead.

You went to the corridor again, looking around you.

Where did he go?

„Baekhyun?” You called.

Nothing.

„Baekhyun!”

Still nothing.

You already wanted to let out a loud groan once again, when you noticed a movement inside your bedroom.

Without hesitation you barged into your bedroom, your arms falling to your sides as you saw the view before you.

Baekhyun was there, unceremoniously laying on your bed, on your NEW soft covers, one leg on the mattress whilst the other one on the floor, eating the cake you left on your desk and leaving small cake crumbs all over the green and white pastel sheets.

„This is sick.” You said, surprisingly feeling the urge to let out a laugh, struggling to hold it back. „You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”

You came closer to your bed, kneeling next to it and looking at Baekhyun who now was just staring at the ceiling.

„Baek, I made you some black tea. Go and drink it.” You said.

He slowly turned to his side, facing you. His eyes looked sleepy now.

Well, no wonder if he pulled an all-nighter with drinks.

You slightly widened your eyes as he suddenly caught you off guard by very gently taking your hand. „Will you like me if I drink it?” He asked, his eyes fixed on yours. „I just want you to look more kindly at me... I just want you to like me too...” His words were becoming always softer and quieter, as if fading with every second, his sleepiness taking over.

You didn’t know what it was, but you felt as if something just melted in your heart at this sight, the corner of your lips lifting ever so slightly at the sound of these mumbled innocent confessions.

Not even a minute later, Baekhyun was completely asleep, still holding onto your hand.

You could tell that he really needed that sleep, so you decided to just let him be.

You hesitated a little as you reached your hand out to trace a soft line on his forehead, gently brushing away the loose locks of light blonde hair fallen on his closed eyes.

His breathing was calm and even, given how quickly he fell asleep he must’ve been really beyond exhausted.

You carefully slid your hand out of his hold, placing a little panda bear plushie on the spot where your hand was before quietly leaving your room and going back to the living room.

You plopped on the couch next to Earl Grey who, now laying there and playing with his little mouse plushie, seemed to already forget about what happened there earlier.

You intertwined your fingers, looking at some invisible point in the space of your four walls.

„He will drink the tea if I will like him, huh?” You said to yourself.

You shifted in your seat, sitting more comfortably and reaching your hand out to gently scratch your cat behind the ear.

„Well, about not liking him, it is actually just you who he should worry about, right Earl Grey?”

Your cat immediately looked at you, as if he understood clearly what you just said. He stopped playing with his plushie and softly bumped his head on your arm, looking in the direction of your room.

„You will give him a chance?” You asked, placing your hand on your cat’s little fluffy head.

You turned your head to look to the corridor yourself.

„Yeah, maybe I should too.”

A/N: leave me your thoughts!! don’t forget to reblog if you liked it!! 🤎

143 notes · View notes

new-tella-us · 3 years

Text

Komahina Oneshot

Komahina ft. Trans Hajime. Another Tumblr inspired post. The tumblr account is catboymoments. Gotta give credit where credit is due.

If you didn't know that this is very gay and trans then idk how you got here but I'm happy to have ya.

But seriously, this has some pretty big trigger warnings

- Gender Dysphoria

- Complicated pregnancy

- Mentions of abortion

-PTSD

Anyways Onto the Oneshot!

Wow! I'm Pregnant! We're gunna have a happy family! Except...I'm a guy.

I feel horrible... This has been going on for about three days now. Mornings are the worst. I can't tell why. It's starting to worry Nagito and it's not like I can fake it, I tried. You can't fake puking. I can at least fake being somewhat lively.

...I need to get up. Need to get moving. Need to- Nevermind! I need to puke! Fuck... This feels disgusting. Maybe I should try and diagnose myself, or have Mikan help me. I felt a pat on my back; I knew it was Nagito but, I couldn't look at him while puking my guts out. When I finally finished desecrating the poor toilet I got up. I was sweating, pale and covered in whatever I managed to puke up on an empty stomach. I flushed the toilet and washed my face.

Nagito gave me a worried look. What was once an 'are you okay?' question turned into, "How are you feeling now?"

"I'm better," I responded. There wasn't much else to say, "I'll get this checked out soon, I'll just give it another day or two."

Nagito face turned stern, "Hajime, you need to get this thing checked out today! This has gone on for too long." He went out of the bathroom and grabbed his phone, "I'm calling Tsumiki-chan."

"Nonono! It's okay Nagito! I'll do it tomorrow! I can handle this myself!" I responded, a bit panicked. I never liked getting help from others, it didn't feel right to bother someone over something I can do myself.

"You said that yesterday. I'm calling Tsumiki-chan." He said in a more stern voice. I couldn't respond, there was no point in arguing with him when he's like this, plus; he's right. He made the call. I didn't hear Mikan's side of the call but, from what I can hear on Nagito's side, they made a time, 1 pm. He hung up and looked back at me, his glaze softened.

"Let's get you something to eat, okay?"

"Yeah," He smiles softly and gave me a small kiss on the forehead before leading me out of the house. But, while we were walking towards the cafeteria, a little voice told me something.

You know exactly what's happening.

I shook the thought away.

...

Breakfast was, mostly, fine. Only going to the bathroom once! Now, I have some time before I have to talk to Mikan. Nagito insists that I rest but I've gotten bored of doing that. I decided to just walk around the island. It was a really hot day and I was getting tired so, I couldn't walk for long. Huh, that never happens, I usually have more stamina than that... Maybe Nagito was right. Well, Nagito is usually right. Maybe I should just listen to Nagito more.

I started walking back, only taking a break to puke near a tree. Now, I'm really sweating, shaking too. I felt light-headed. Then, an unexpected helper appeared. She put my arm on her shoulder, behind her neck, her other hand supported me from my side. I didn't look up, I didn't need to. Her light orange kimono with scattered pink cherry blossoms gave away who she was.

"Hey Saionji..."

"Didn't listen to Komaeda again?" She knew it...

"Nope." I responded with as much satire I could muster.

"You're an idiot."

"Yup" Indeed I was but I could think about that a little bit more when my head wasn't spinning like crazy. Hiyoko helped me back to my cottage before leaving me to enter it myself. I opened the door and both Nagito and Mikan were sitting on the couch. I guess she came early.

"Hey guys, it seems like you were both waiting for me. Sorry about that."

"I-It's fine Hinata-san. So tell me a-about your condition. I've only seen g-glimpses of it" Mikan said.

So I explained. The morning sickness, the lack of energy and stamina. The fact that I can't even walk around the island without becoming pale and out of breath. Mikan thought about it and started checking her tablet. I assumed that she was looking up what this could mean before her eyes widen on something.

"I-I....I never knew this. Umm...I'll b-be right back." She seemed nervous as se got up and practically ran out of the house.

You know where she's going, you know what she's getting

There's that voice is again. I have no time for hallucinations or weird creepy messages.

...

Mikan returned after a few minutes with a little rectangular box in her hand.

"Welcome back, Tsumiki-chan. Now, are you going to explain why you suddenly freaked out like that and left?" Nagito said.

Mikan's gaze fell on me. Her look was almost unreadable. It's very unlike her.

"Hinata-san. Are you trans?" She asked bluntly.

"Wh-What?! What made you ask that??" I panicked. How did she know? How did she guess??

She turned her tablet to me; my profile was on it as was everyone else's. She pressed one of those special info buttons and a symbol appeared next to my profile picture.

The Female Sex Symbol...

Silence...

...Shit...

"I'm surprised that you didn't realize that this button exists. After all the creator of these tablets had a member who's entire case was solved because their sex was revealed." Mikan said. She always did have more confidence when she spoke facts. I didn't have anything to say, neither did Nagito. Mikan handed me the box; it was a pregnancy test.

"I w-won't ask. That's your b-business..." Her timidity returned. No, she won't ask because she'll get her answer depending on what I say or do. I could hand her back the test. I could lie and say I'm a virgin but, that wouldn't help me...

I got up and went to the bathroom...

...

......

...Are...Are you serious...? The test came back positive?! I...don't know how to feel about this... At least I know what's happening to me and probably why it's hitting me so hard.

...I feel too sick for this.

You knew this was coming.

'Izuru...not now. Please.'

You know you can't fully get rid of her.

'Who are you talking about?'

As if to answer my question, he materialized but not as himself. He materialized as a young girl. A girl that looks a lot like me.

'Fuck off, Izuru. You know that's not me...'

Is it not? It's who you once were.

'That was never me! She was someone else. Just a person of the past.'

And that way of thinking is what got you here. It's time for you to face the facts. You may be a boy but, you're not male. You forgetting that is why that test is positive. You took a chance, you were risky and here you are.

'We're done here.'

I was steaming. I couldn't listen to another word that fell out of that man's mouth. I needed to calm down. I took some deep breaths and left the bathroom. Mikan left but, Nagito was still there. I wasn't concerned with him knowing that I was trans, he already knew; he would have to know since he's...

"So, what happened? What did she give you? Are you okay?" he asked but, I had a feeling that he knew. I didn't want the mood to be sour. Having kids is supposed to be a good thing so, I wanted to lighten the mood with a pun.

"Well, I guess I should be invisible."

"...What? What do you mean?" He looked puzzled.

I looked at the pregnancy test. "Well, I'm a trans-parent." (Yes, I took this pun from the same tumblr user)

He looked at me, still puzzled, for a few minutes before he realized.

"...oh. Oh OH! You don't mean-" He looked happy, so happy. He gave me a hug, "Oh my god! I've always wanted to be a dad!"

He has? Great... Personally, I never wanted kids. I used to but, secondary school... changed me and showed me that really, I don't. But I can't just make a split second decision, he seem so happy...

"Yeah, but can we discuss this a bit more? I have my issues that I need to address."

His smile faded a bit "Uh sure"

We both sat on the bed of our room. I didn't know what to say. I don't know if I want to do this but, it would feel wrong just to abort with no conversation.

"So umm... Nagito. I...I don't know if I'm- we're ready to have kids. I guess I'm kind of worried?"

Tell him the actual reason, Hajime.

"I don't know what effect this might have on me and I'm scared that I might not be a great dad..."

Hajime...

"Is that the reason?" Nagito asked.

"...Yeah"

If you don't tell him, I will.

"..." I wasn't going to say anything but, Izuru kept on his threat. I lost control of my body.

"He has gender dysphoria" Izuru said, "So this pregnancy is reminding him of his uncertainty. The place he used to live in was not the most accepting of transgendered people"

Nagito fell silent, he was stunned. Damn it Izuru... did you have to be so blunt? I got control of my body back, I couldn't even look at Nagito, I felt so ashamed, I was putting my anxieties above a life. It felt...wrong. Or is it a life? It's a clump of cells but, it can become a life. I've been around too many mixed influences. I wish I knew which decision was the good decision.

Then again..

Is there truly a 'good' decision? On one hand, I'm killing a potential life and that will haunt me but, if I'm not ready to be a parent, I'm bringing a child into a world neither it nor I'm ready for and with a current war having, it's not like adoption is an option and, like Izuru said, it forces me to accept-

"Why didn't you tell me?" Nagito asked. He didn't sound mad, he sounded sad and even a bit guilty, I didn't answer, "I'm sorry if me saying that pressured you." He gave me a hug. I felt so guilty. "I can't say that I fully understand but, no matter what you choose, I'll be in your corner."

"I'm gunna give it a week or two then I'll make my decision," I said nearly in tears, "thank you for being so supportive."

...

It's been two weeks, I thought about it everyday. I was already two week pregnant so with another two weeks, the time for abortion via safe mentions was soon ending. I hesitated and swayed back and forth on my answer. I truly didn't know for a while. But, about two days before my decision I found myself sticking to an answer. I'll stick with this pregnancy. It might help me get over my gender dysphoria, maybe not fully but, somewhat? Plus, it's quite an efficient way to tell everyone that I'm trans. And who know, maybe I'm a better parent than I think I am and with Nagito, I feel like I can take it. It's sort of strange; I'm aware of all the health risks, the mental tax, the problems and possible sadness but, I feel like I can take it. I feel calmer know that I at least, have one person- well two people with Tsumiki, in my corner.

"I'm keeping it" I said with a hug.

"Really? You sure?" Nagito asked.

"Yeah, we're gonna be a family." I smiled, it wasn't fake.

But of course, like everything else in my life, it didn't come without complication. I was already pregnancy four weeks and was just feeling more exhausted. Another week had passed and I kept feeling worse. I didn't know why. I felt exhausted and cold. I was exhausted but not tired, not sleepy. I was awake and shaky. Nagito called Mikan again when he started to notice how pale I was getting. She said it was Iron Deficiency Anemia along with Hypertension. Two things that were really common in pregnancy. She gave me medication for it and it did help but not fully.

At about 8 weeks, I told the group about me being trans and about the child. Mikan recommended to do that instead of immediately because that's when the risk of a miscarriage goes down to less than 10 percent. The group was so happy to have two children born at similar times. Yes, two! Sonia and Gundham were having a kid as well. What a coincidence! Sonia insisted that we started talking more about it.

12 weeks in and everything has been going as smoothly as it can. There's still work, there's still complications, sleeping is an issue, I have been diagnosed with Insomnia, this pregnancy has also made me more dependent on Nagito and has given me more time to think and I don't know if I like that... But, everyone's been really supportive, they haven't treated me any different and because I have a bit more time, I can hangout with them more. I've learnt a lot more about Sonia. I knew a bit about her, like that she's into witchcraft and serial killer documentaries but, she was also into slice of life novels so, this was a dream of hers. How cute.

Weeks 16 - 30 can be summed up here. They all passed the same; excited conversations, preparations, fun little talks, work, insomnia, exhaustion, etc. What was really note worthy was while Nagito went out on a mission to the main lands, Makoto brought back a fluffy white dog, a Great Pyrenees puppy. We agreed to keep and so when Nagito came home, I surprised him with the dog. At first, he was silent, then he started crying; I was scared the he didn't like the dog but, that changed when he went up and hugged the dog, he was so happy. Apparently, this was the exact breed of the dog Nagito used to have. Wow, how lucky. He sat with it for hours before being willing to pry away from it and go to sleep. We decided to call her Lucy.

Fast forward to week 37, about 3 weeks before we thought I was due. I was pulling an all-nighter on this one project to have it done by tomorrow. I knew I was pushing myself but I was almost done, I wanted to free up my schedule so I can have more time with my baby. Nagito, however, was starting to get concerned.

"Hajime, it's really late. You should rest."

"I'm almost done, okay? I just need to finish this last assignment and I'll be in bed. Just give me about an hour." I said, trying to easy his concern.

"Alright.." He didn't sound too convinced but he did leave.

I continued to work on my project and the time flew by until in the middle of my assignment, my stomach really hurt, more than usual. Do you really need to kick that hard, Future Child? I tried to continues working but the pain would just come back worse every time. Maybe I should just go to bed... I tried to get up and walk back to my bedroom but the pain sent me down the floor, everything hurts...everything hurts...I couldn't even scream, I was in so much pain...I felt something wet trickle down and I knew what it was at this point. I didn't know what to do, I was crying. Was I going to die? Was I just going to have to give birth here and now? What can I do??

Then, my savior came into the room. No not Nagito, Lucy! She took one good look and me and went sprinting out the door. I could hear her barking and soon she seem back with Nagito.

"Hajime!! Are you okay!?"

I wanted to say something to something to that question; 'yes', 'no', 'shut the fuck up and call Tsumiki' but, I couldn't let out a sound. Luckily, he took the hint and called Mikan.

"Tsumiki-chan. I'm sorry to wake you but, Hajime may be going through contractions? Please help?!"

They talked for a bit, I could barely focus. I just remember Nagito carrying me to the bathroom while talking to Mikan. I don't know if she was just fast or if I blanked out for a bit but, Mikan was there before I knew it. They both briefly conversed before they got me dressed in a cheap, long white shirt and set me down in the bath. Mikan started sticking needles in me, I don't know what for and she was still talking to Nagito. She finally looked at me and told me to count my contractions and how often they happen. After each one (Because it hurts too much to talk during contractions) I would tell her, when she decided that they were regular enough, she grasped my hand a little and told me to take a deep breathe. I did. Then she told me to push.

That's when it hit me, this was happening now! Oh my god, I was not ready for this but, I don't have much of a choice. So I pushed. Oh god it hurts! I felt like my bones were breaking. She then told me to breathe again and I did, we repeated this until the water started to turn red with blood.

Blood...blood...

Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...

Blood? Did someone die? I felt like I was somewhere else. I was watching the murders of the student council again, so much blood...like a perfect quality horror movie, I saw them all murder each other clear as day, every person, every stabbing, every slicing, every shooting, all the bloodshed, clear as the day I first saw it. I never forgot any of their faces...

Then, as if it couldn't get worse...all the murders, all the executions...all the blood, clear as day. I was just watching, unable to do anything. Nagito...Chiaki... They were gone. Was my happy life all a dream? Is this the reality I'm truly in or am I hallucinating and this is the fake reality? I can't tell, I can't tell... I want out of this nightmare! I hear voices in the distance, at first I couldn't understand what they are saying but, as the voices got louder, I could slowly understand. Were they calling me? I got my answer.

"HAJIME!" Nagito shouted, dragging me back to reality. I panicked at the different scenery. My heart was pounding, threatening to rip out of my chest. I looked around to see where I was, I was in the bathroom. I couldn't keep my vision still.

Nagito cupped my cheeks, obviously trying to calm me down. "Hajime look at me, okay?"

I tried to focus my vision on him, his eyes full of panic and worry.

"You're having a panic attack. Whatever you saw, it's just an illusion. You're okay, I'm okay, everyone is okay. Please try to calm down."

My throat was dry and hoarse but, I took a deep breath. I continued to do that until I became calmer.

He smiled down at me "Good...good."

Mikan then piped up, "Komaeda-san, I'm sorry but, we do need to c-continue with this..." Then she got an idea, "If blood is a trigger to Hinata-san then can maybe he should just look at you instead. I'll still need your attention Hinata-san but, just keep l-looking at him."

"Yeah, that's a good idea." Nagito agreed. I just nodded. So Mikan continued with her instruction and I kept my eyes on Nagito. It made the birthing a little easier to see his smile and soon enough I did my last push, I felt a weight leave me and while I was still sore, it didn't hurt nearly as much anymore. That's when the fatigue washed over me. I could feel myself passing out already.

"Hey hey...um, I know you're tired but, can you stay awake just a little longer please? Just until Tsumiki-chan says it's okay. Please?"

I didn't want to, the work should be over by now but, I could do it. Voices faded in and out, I was barely able to concentrate. Then, Nagito gave me a kiss on the forehead.

"You did it Hajime! It's okay now, you can rest." His voice was quiet and soothing.

"...Great.." I replied groggily before falling asleep almost immediately after.

I fell into a deep, very needed sleep. It was relaxing for once. No dreams, no nightmares just, floating in the darkness. But, I had to wake up.

The sun was shining through the curtains, not too much sun but, just enough to give the room a bright warm haze. I still felt sore but, it was much better than last night. I sat up and yawned.

"Oh good morning, Sleepyhead." Nagito said, playfully. He was sitting right next to me, looking at me with a warm smile. "I was wondering when you were going to wake up."

I felt a bit out of it, it seemed so peaceful right now, I just wanted to bask in it for a while. I took the time to notice things around me, like the fact that I was wearing something different; it was one of Nagito shirts and my boxers. I also noticed a little crib in the far corner of our bedroom with what looks to be a baby inside.

"Do you want to see your child?" Nagito asked.

I could only nod. He got up and went to the crib, picked up the small child and came back to the bed. Handing me the child he said,

"Meet your new baby son"

I held the child gently in my arms and at that moment, everything became worth it. He woke up and looked at me. I was expecting him to cry but, instead he just giggles grabbed my finger. Now I'm the one whose crying!

Nagito chuckled, "Don't cry on the baby!" He said playfully but, he was crying too.

He gave me a kiss, "I love you, Hajime"

I returned it, "I love you too, Nagito"

We both held our son and I knew, deep in my heart, this was the right decision.

We're a family now!

If I got something wrong, please tell me. I really tried and I wanna get it right.

#danganronpa #danganronpa2 #hinakoma #komahina #Hajime Hinata #SDR2 Hajime #Nagito Komaeda #sdr2 nagito #trans hajime #family au

38 notes · View notes

umbraja · 4 years

Text

Body Hair Positivity: Good or Gross?

It’s been a trend lately to embrace a more diverse image of beauty. Freckles and muffin tops, dark skin and curly hair, scars, tattoos, unusual proportions, crooked teeth, pretty much anything is supposed to be accepted under the banner of Body Positivity.

But what about body hair?

And I’m not just talking about armpits or legs. I also mean unusual body hair. The kind people don’t talk about. The kind women aren’t “supposed” to have: chest hair, happy trails, beards, back hair. The kind that doctors call hirsutism and is often associated with hormonal imbalances from things like Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Cushing Syndrome, medication side effects, menopause, or even just genetics. It affects somewhere between 5%-10% of women depending on the region surveyed but may be higher as it can often go undiagnosed.

It’s not like we’re taught how healthy body hair should look.

Humans have been removing body hair since before recorded history. Archaeologists have found evidence of early humans using clam shells and shark teeth to remove body hair. Ancient Egyptians are well known for their full body waxes. Ancient Greeks considered it “uncivilized” for a woman to have pubic hair. Roman boys celebrated their entry into manhood with a mandatory first shave. And medieval European Ladies plucked daily to remove all hair from their brows, temples, and neck - some even plucked their eyelashes. The “New World” was no stranger to body hair removal either. Thomas Jefferson, and many others, wrote of some Native Americans’ depilatory obsession.

“With [Native Americans] it is disgraceful to be hairy on the body. They say it likens them to hogs. They therefore pluck the hair as fast as it appears.” - Thomas Jefferson, Notes on the State of Virginia

In the non-native US, body hair removal wasn’t really a big thing until the 20th century when we did a complete 180 on the subject. Before that Puritan values made sure that most body hair was covered by clothing so few bothered to remove it since no one was gonna see what was under all that cloth. Now recent studies say that 93 to 99 percent of American women regularly remove their body hair, making it one of our most widely practiced beauty norms. Girls as young as 10 are pressured into shaving, waxing, plucking, threading, anything to remove errant hairs as soon as they start to sprout. Refusal to do so leaves us open to bullying, both on the playground and in the office. Visible body hair can cost a woman jobs, promotions, and relationships so most of us remove it, no matter the cost. Which one study worked out to be more than $10,000 over the course of her life for the average American woman who shaves. If she waxes instead the bill goes over $23,000.

So what happened?

“Where eighteenth-century naturalists and explorers considered hair-free skin to be the strange obsession of indigenous peoples, Cold War-era commentators blithely described visible body hair on women as evidence of a filthy, ‘foreign’ lack of hygiene.” - Rebecca Herzig, Plucked, a History of Hair Removal

The driving forces behind hair removal in America are the same three that cause most of the nation’s problems: greed, sexism, and racism. Let’s go in chronological order.

As the “Age of Enlightenment” began to secularize European politics, Imperialists needed a new excuse to justify their expansion into non-European territory. Naturalists like the still famous Charles Darwin handed them pseudoscience. It’s debatable whether or not these naturalists intended their work to be used as the foundation for white supremacist ideology that still plagues us today but there’s no question about how racists interpreted it. They saw evolution as a line that went from ape through colored people and ends at Aryan. Real science tells us that’s not at all correct and if anyone is closer to cave man it’s white people who often have Neanderthal in their DNA. But they didn’t have genetic sequencers back then so they used physical traits to “prove” it instead. Part of this was a gross mischaracterization that body hair could be used to determine a person’s place within the line of human evolution. They claimed people with coarse, dark hair were closer to apes and those with thin, light hair were more evolved. Guess who picked up on that concept in the 20th century.

Darwin further complicated matters in his attempt to explain why some white people were hairier than some indigenous populations by associating hairiness with evolutionary backsliding and mental illness.

“[Hairiness in Europeans] is due to partial reversion; for characters which have been at some former period long inherited are always apt to return. We have seen that idiots are often very hairy, and they are apt to revert in other characters to a lower animal type.” - Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man

Other scientists and even medical experts of the time ran with this idea and before long the educated elite considered hairiness (along with other non-Aryan traits) to be a symptom of disease, insanity, and criminal violence. The uneducated masses were more familiar with freak show displays of unusually hairy people as “missing links” to our primate ancestors. Both cases considered having body hair to be a very bad thing. They’re also very bad science and not at all true.

Despite these very strong, racist feelings about body hair, it still wasn’t common for American women to remove it beyond the upper lip, neck, jaw, or between the eyebrows. Most women don’t have much hair there and those that did rarely had time or money to invest in removing it. Also they wouldn’t be caught dead admitting they had to so historical records might not be accurate about how many women actually plucked. For the first half of American history peach fuzz and other light hair was seen as normal and clothes covered the rest. But the 20th century not only saw women wearing less cloth and showing more skin it also saw them calling for gender equality. Critics of women’s liberation often accused suffragettes of sexual inversion - aka acting too much like men, which they saw as an abhorrent threat. To really drive this point home they often depicted women’s rights activists as being hairy, thus politicizing our pits. Pair this with the “hygiene” movement’s embrace of already mentioned racist views on body hair and you have a recipe for weaponized shame.

“Self-consciousness brings timidity, restrained action and awkwardness. The use of Del-a-tone relieves the mind from anxious watchfulness of movement.” - 1919 Del-a-tone depilatory advertisement

Enter Capitalism. Producers of hair removal products wanted to up sales so they did the exact same thing that was done with every other beauty product on the market - shame women into buying their stuff. It’s debatable if this was motivated purely by greed, in an attempt to reach an untapped market, or if the resulting gender oppression was intentional but men were spared of this aggressive shaming (until recently at least). Women, on the other hand, were flooded with advertisements for body hair removal products. From the first “razor for women” in 1915 to 21st century laser hair removal ads, women are constantly being reminded of our body hair. It doesn’t take a genius seeing ads that call smooth skin “attractive” or “sanitary” to extrapolate the opposite - that body hair is ugly, and dirty. A series of ads for Del-a-tone depilatory products even called it “necessary” for sleeveless fashion and suggests that not using their product will lead to social anxiety. Pair that with only ever using shaved models in all of fashion advertising and you send a pretty clear message: female body hair is something to be ashamed of. Advertising works. Now most American women actually feel gross if they’ve missed a shave, despite body hair being perfectly natural and not at all dirty. This disgust is so strong it has even bled over into an aversion toward male body hair which has seen a sharp decline in popularity since the shaggy chested disco days. Now men are being inundated with “manscaping” advertisements and expectations of manicured if not completely removed body hair.

So that’s the background but where’s this going?

While female body hair removal is firmly ingrained in western beauty standards, a new generation of women are rebelling against those ideals - body hair included. Recent studies have shown a shift in body hair trends among young women. Only 77% percent of women 16 to 24 reported regularly shaving their pits in 2016 and 85% shaved their legs, down from 95% and 92% respectively just two years prior. Since then we’ve started to see models, celebrities, and everyday women with unshaven pits and hairy legs. Body positivity campaigns have even gotten a few advertisers to include body hair in their ads. Now you can see razors actually shaving hair from women’s bodies instead of inexplicably running over baby smooth skin.

Women have always told ourselves that hair removal is a choice but we’ve never before been encouraged to choose not doing it. Instead we’ve been brainwashed to think it’s dirty and disgusting and that no one will accept us for being hairy. Today’s young woman is actually presented with a choice, “to shave or not to shave” and a lot of them are choosing not to. Which is great news for people like me who have hirsutism and are sick of being shamed for how nature made us.

But we’ve still got a very long way to go before I can be confident that my neck beard won’t hold me back both socially and professionally. A lot of the women who have publicly displayed body hair in recent years have come under attack by people calling them various shades of “gross” and some have even been sent death threats. It’s one thing for a rich and famous Hollywood movie star to take that kind of risk but for an autistic office worker living in a conservative backwater that’s a whole different game.

Whatever your thoughts and feelings on body hair, America still hasn’t escaped the shame of the last hundred years. Women are still very much judged for being hairy. A lot of people still think it’s gross. I’m not one of them but I’m full of unpopular opinions.

#body hair #body posititivity #history

75 notes · View notes

anxiouslymalicious · 5 years

Text

Losers Club Plus One Part 4

Richie Tozier x daughter!reader series

Read the previous part here or go here for the series Masterlist!

A/N: Thank you guys so much for the lovely support! I have had an amazing weekend in London, but my tumblr app kept on crashing and turned off my whole phone every now and then so I couldn’t reply to everything on time. I hope that I have put everyone on the taglist who wanted to be added, but if I missed you, please message me again! It really wasn’t my intention to do so, it was more tumblr fucking me up big time.

Anyway, here we go with the fourth part! There is a mention of a panic attack in here, it is kind of descriptive but not fully graphically realised so I just kind of wanted to throw a warning out here.

I hope you enjoy!

Y/N was stiffly following the adult losers to the Barrens. Richie had already tried to figure out what was going on with his daughter, but she refused to tell him. She was scared, yes, but she knew that the losers had already fought IT – and all of them had come out of that alive – so she assumed that she would be safe with them. With her father. And she didn’t want Richie to freak out even further and actually drag her ass home. His friends needed him, so she would be able to suck it up and sit through all that.

Bill slowed his steps a little and stayed a bit behind with Y/N. All the other losers had tried to get her to talk on their walk into the woods in the Barrens, none of them being successful. Richie, at last, asked Bill to try. He was the unspoken leader, Big Bill, of the losers club. Maybe he had the same kind of effect on her as he had on the other losers. Like they were safe with him and could trust him, his intuition and his usually well-chosen words, even when they were down in the sewers, with only a few matches left to light the way, facing Patrick Hockstetter’s body, stumbling through the disgusting greywater.

“Y-you’re awf-f-fully quiet.” Bill said to the girl, hands in his pocket. His stuttering had come back, it was easier to control when he was talking with his friends but with his friend’s daughter, it was strangely difficult. Bill told himself that it was just because she was practically a stranger and he didn’t trust her like the people he had faced IT with. How could he? Surely, no one would blame Bill if he confessed to feelings this way, but he was too ashamed to do just that.

“And you’re stuttering.” She replied, a smirk on her lips, curious to see whether he could take the joke. Bill scoffed.

“Are you alright? All of this is probably a bit much-“

“I’m fine, okay? Please stop asking me. I’m as good as you can be when you’re meeting friends your father couldn’t remember until a few hours ago, bloody and full of your own vomit because your fortune cookie was bleeding on you and some strange creature keeps threatening you that you’ll float with some Stanley and Georgie.” Y/N stopped walking, growing irritated at the many attempts. She appreciated that they were taking care of her, but she didn’t feel like talking, she felt like she couldn’t talk. Because she couldn’t understand, couldn’t express what was going on.

“G-g-Georgie?” Bill asked, tears suddenly springing to his eyes, a little sting in his chest, his heart. The girl just nodded, her arms crossed as she watched him with great caution and confusion.

“Is everything alright?” Ben asked the two, looking back at them, stopping in his tracks. All eyes were on Bill and Y/N now. Curious, nervous, anxious.

“Who told you about Georgie? Did you see him?” Bill suddenly seemed much more serious to Y/N, it was almost scary. Scratch that, Y/N felt a shiver run down her spine. And, although she would later tell herself that it was just her ears playing tricks on her, that it was just the wind rustling the leaves of the trees and bushes, but she could swear that she heard the quiet, happy giggles of a child somewhere in the distance.

Y/N took a step back. “I-IT mentioned him. Is he dead?” She now looked from Bill to her father, who looked at her, his face one of confusion, while Bill tried to swallow his tears. The pain of losing Georgie came back to him, the little boy whose teeth never grew back. The little boy whose photo album wouldn’t be filled with more pictures. The little boy who would never walk through the doors of their house again, in his yellow raincoat and with that stupid little boat in his hands as their beloved mother played ‘Für Elise’. The little boy whose death changed Bill’s whole life. And Bill knew that it was necessary for him to move on, to know that he wasn’t the one to blame for George’s death, that it was that stupid clown and him only, but the guilt was overcoming Bill once more.

“Y/N, George was Bill’s little brother. He died when he was 6 years old. He was killed by Pennywise the clown.” Richie said, stepping closer to his daughter to pull her close. “But when did IT tell you? You didn’t mention him in the bathroom.”

Y/N grew nervous, hands growing sweaty as she subtly tried to touch the phone in her jeans pocket to check that it was tucked away safely, out of reach from the losers. She wiped her hands on her jeans, trying not to act suspiciously, but she knew that her father was looking right through her.

“But IT mentioned him. I’m pretty sure I told you.” She said, crossing her arms in front of her chest again, taking a step back to put some distance between them.

“Y/N, did you see IT again? We need to know. We can’t protect you if you don’t work with us. IT is dangerous and will not hesitate to kill you.” Mike said, trying to be the voice of reason, but she shook her head vehemently.

“Y/N, please…” Richie was now pleading with his daughter to just tell him. But she shook her head, trying hard to suppress the tears she already felt welling up in her eyes. “I’m good, don’t worry. Nothing happened. IT is not after me.” She finally said with a small, clearly uncomfortably forced smile before she passed the adults and walked deeper into the Barrens.

“Are you guys coming or what?” Y/N yelled after a few steps, when she noticed that she was the only one walking into the unknown area ahead of her. The losers looked at each other, Richie feeling his heart hurt in his chest. It was obvious to all of the losers that she was lying, they didn’t need to know her to see that she was more antsy than she had been before, always fumbling with something, her hands shaking, and she was nibbling on her fingernails when she thought no one was looking. The last one was especially an exhibit for Richie. He had raised her. He had seen her do that more often than he liked.

He saw her nibbling at her fingernails on her first day of school, before she walked into the classroom for the first time.

He saw her nibbling her fingernails when she was about to go on stage in a school play.

When he included one of her jokes in his set for the first time.

When he watched as she tried to tell him about her crush for the first time.

When they tried to contact the woman they thought might be her mother. And in all those situations, the girl was open and honest with her father, telling him how she felt, telling him that she was nervous or scared and Richie felt his chest grow warm at how much his daughter trusted him. He felt like he had done something right in his messy life. But now, now that they were in Derry, trying to fight something they weren’t sure how to kill – if they even got that far – she was shutting Richie out. And that scared him just as much as it hurt.

Eddie laid his hand on Richie’s shoulder, mustering up an encouraging smile.

“She is your daughter. Obviously, she inherited some of your stupidity. But I’m sure she’ll come around.” Eddie grinned at the taller man, making Richie scoff playfully.

“At least I have a child, fuckface.” Richie smiled back and the group continues their way. That was, until Ben fell through the door, making everyone shriek, Y/N being the loudest, and, due to the shock, she and Eddie jumped to Richie, holding onto his arms. Eddie glanced at the girl, meeting her gaze before his gaze wandered to Richie for a second, to where Richie’s hands gripped the smaller man’s shirt like he had done many years before when they were children, almost anytime surprised them. Both Eddie and Y/N stepped away from Richie. With a sad sigh, Richie watched as Y/N regained her cold composure.

One after another, the losers climbed down into the clubhouse. The losers were so entranced by the familiar, now dirty and fragile looking place they had spent hours upon hours in, they didn’t even notice that Y/N wasn’t joining them down there. She opted to watch them from above. Something about following them didn’t feel right to her. She wasn’t a loser, she had never been a part of their group and so, she was afraid of interrupting that moment of peace. The sweet nostalgia. The cosy memories.

Y/N was watching from above, sitting at the ladder, legs dangling through the hole, as the losers talked about the paddle board incident. About Stan. What a person he was. And, suddenly, she felt a pang of guilt in her chest. Y/N didn’t feel like she should be there. Stan should be here. Stan should be down there, catching up with his friends, laughing about stupid memories, making a plan on how to kill IT.

Rustling leaves. Stones shifting against each other. Twigs breaking under the weight of something.

Y/N’s head whipped around, trying to make out whatever pulled her out of her thoughts. Her nails dug into the soil below her. Heart hammering against her ribcage like it wanted to break out, like it was desperate to break out.

It’s that clown, she thought, hoping to spot something between the trees, it’s coming for me again, but why is it always me?

Finally, she registered a movement in the corner of her eye. A bush. Rustling, shaking lightly. Something was in there. Something-

Richie groaned. His glasses landed somewhere in the room, being harshly pulled from his nose. The palms of his hands pressed against his eyes. A burning pain, the burning pain was back. Worse. More real.

Y/N had turned her head back just in time to watch her father’s figure crumble to the ground.

“DAD!” she screamed, pushing herself to fall through the hole, stumbling towards her father. A sharp pain shot through her knees as she dropped to them, but she barely noticed it as she tried to pull Richie’s hands away from his eyes.

“Dad, it’s alright, you’re alright- Breathe. In and out. Like you taught me. Slowly! Slowly! Dad, please!” she tried to calm her father down, voice shaky, mind racing. Painful gasps escaped Richie’s lips as his daughter comfortingly placed a hand on his shoulder, using the other one to hold onto his hand, squeezing it to help him get into a breathing rhythm. Next thing Y/N knew, as she had helped Richie calm down, Mike was down, groaning in pain and pressing his hands to his eyes in hopes to ease it. Richie, still halfway out of it, stumbles towards Mike, who was taken care of by Bill and Beverly. Eddie, meanwhile, was desperate for his inhalator but tried to resist the urge to shove his hand into his pocket and whip it out as Ben was trying to make sure that Eddie wouldn’t pass out any second.

“Mike, do you remember the smoke-hole bullshit? This is it. The turtle, the-the part when we were going crazy and time travelled right here?” Richie asked him, grinning like a maniac. “This is it. The memories are coming back. Holy shit.” Richie said as he leaned against the wall next to Mike, Bill helping him sit up. Y/N was sitting in the dirt, under the hole, just watching as realisation dawned on each of the losers’ faces. All of them subtly tried to rub their eyes, remembering the stinging sensation that most of them couldn’t endure for too long, opting to flee instead.

Y/N could swear that she heard something moving outside, suddenly remembering what had happened before Richie broke down. She sent a look towards the four adults on the ground, seeing that they were busy trying to pierce together the smoke-hole-ritual, then glanced at Eddie and Ben. Eddie was leaning against the unsteady pole, also slightly leaning against Ben in need of support, eyes closed. Ben, feeling like he was being watched, looked up briefly, spotting Y/N climbing up the ladder.

“Where are you going?” his rough voice echoed through the room, breaking the other losers’ focus. Y/N had climbed up far enough to carefully examine the upside world. She was hoping that she would spot the source of the earlier noise, or something she could use as an excuse. A squirrel or bird or something that would give her the opportunity to breathe and not feel hunted for once since she arrived at the hotel. To her utter relief, she heard another sound, this time clearly spotting a fat squirrel climbing up a tree. An involuntary laugh bubbled up deep in her chest, too quickly to suppress, and she smiled at the group as she jumped off the ladder, facing the adults.

“Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.” She grinned, walking over to her father, helping him get back to his feet as Richie babbled on about a turtle, how IT arrived and whatnot. But Y/N didn’t listen. The relief was too deeply rooted in her. She was thoroughly enjoying the blissful moments of what felt like freedom. Blissful unawareness was a better word though. Because, what Y/N didn’t know, had she stayed up on the ladder just a little longer, had she watched the outside world just a moment longer, she would have spotted a single red balloon rising up into the air, slowly but steadily. To her, it might not be too much of a worry, had she seen it, but each of the losers knew better.

Pennywise was close.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags: (if you want to be added to the taglist, please contact me in any way! But please do make sure that your privacy settings allow you to be tagged in a post!)

@whereyoustand @bellero @shockwavee @daniellajocelyn @robindoesntloveme @halefirewarrior @ucy161 @captainshazamerica @catscrochet @gabiatthedisco @strangemaximoff @robynel @the-summer-of-39 @sammy-salamander @majorlyextra @im-justafangirl @bohemiancrue @weebishtae @nobody7102 @creativedogs @sirenjules @littlemaeve @precious-bands-love @darth-dorle @zigabrielle @ggclarissa @bat-shark-repellant @zoemassingale @avengerswon @artlovingbre @supernovavision @eggytozier @eeemmiillyyyy @russian-romanova @isweareverythingsalright @supernatural3002 @intoomuchfandoms @detroitbecomevenom @hitoshi-s-stupid-bitch @keeley-virgo @deviantly-gayy @thedragonofgallifrey @sycard @sassy-specter @psychosupernatural @jerkyheree-michaelm3ll @chros-nomsworth @princesskhy @chocolatecakeandme @felicityofbakerstreet @transparentaliencookiehoagie @danas-wonderland @paige-howell-lester @1800kaspbrak @donteatmycookiesplease @im-justafangirl

572 notes · View notes

forkanna · 3 years

Link

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

"Wooooow, this is a really nice place!"

"Hmph," Ebihara grunted as they stepped out of their shoes in the genkan of her fabulous home. "It's a goddamn McMansion. Really nothing special, trust me. But we sure did pay a lot for it…"

For good reason. Rise smiled vaguely as she glanced around at the grand foyer with the statue and water feature in opposite corners. She had seen many similarly opulent homes when cavorting with other contacts from the entertainment industry, of course, so she wasn't quite as blown away as most of their friends would have been. But it was still impressive.

"You don't like it?" she asked.

"I don't like being nouveau-riche. And this big house seemed really cool when we first got it, but now it's… oh, listen to my ungrateful ass complaining about being too rich. It's disgusting."

"Go ahead," she prompted her as they both padded into the sunken living room. "I've been through some of the same things, don't forget."

Ai didn't do as her friend asked until they were both flopped down on the couch, staring around at the pristine surroundings. "Well… it's always been too big. I feel lost. And now with mom gone, it's like a big tomb holding the decaying corpse of our family."

"Yeesh," Rise hissed. "Gross mental picture. But it definitely gets the message across. Have you talked to your dad about it?"

"Oh, I couldn't bother him with that nonsense," she said with a slight smile. "He's dealing with investment bankers and stock options all day. Doesn't have time for me to be anything besides his perfect little princess, so… that's what he gets. Every time."

Frowning hard, Rise turned a little more in her direction, folding her legs beneath her trim frame. "That doesn't sound right. Come on, he's your father. He's going to want to know if something is up with you."

"No," she said firmly. "I have put both of them through enough for one lifetime."

"Yeah, you kind of said something like that before, and it sounded like bullshit then, too. We all get to figure out who we are as we grew up. You don't have to be perfect immediately! So why would they hold it against you just because you were a little bit of a brat?"

Ai's resting bitch face took on a new quality. Pain. Her hand drifted up to play with the neckline of her pretty pink dress as she gazed at the glass coffee table in front of them. Rise couldn't know what she was thinking, but it looked like a lot was weighing on her mind regardless.

"Oh, who cares?" Ai finally burst out with a long sigh, stretching all her limbs out and hooking her arms over the back of the couch. "It's all so pointless. I threw myself into fashion and makeup and all those things, and I was so unhappy, and now here I am being ungrateful that I actually have someone to talk to for real instead of just 'peasants' at school to subjugate. What a moron I am."

Rise giggled a little, covering her mouth before she said, "You're not a moron. You just don't have it all figured out. Look at me, slumming it in Inaba instead of facing my career; I'd say that makes me even worse than you."

"What's so funny?" she demanded when her friend was still giggling.

"Oh, nothing. Just that you really look like Yosuke in that position. With the apathetic attitude and everythi- OH!"

So fast she almost wondered if she had imagined it, Ai was sitting up in a prim and proper position, legs together and fists resting on her knees. Her face also looked almost as if she were panicking… but why? Nothing had happened.

"Ebi-chan…?"

"Sorry. I'll do better." But when she glanced over and saw Rise was still looking confused, she cleared her throat and waved one hand back and forth in the air, as if wafting away an unpleasant aroma. "I-it's nothing, I promise."

The popstar dipped her head and whispered, "Hey, I know we've only been hanging out for like, hours instead of days, but you can talk to me. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. You're annoyingly persistent with that." But before Rise could protest, she poked her in the middle of the forehead with a slight smirk before pushing to stand from the couch. "This sucks. Unless you want to watch the big screen TV, we should get something from the kitchen and head up to my room."

"I guess. What do you have?"

They both wandered in there and nosed around. The kitchen was a gleaming bastion of modern efficiency, lots of chrome and marble, but the fridge didn't seem to have a whole lot inside: a few drinks and some takeout. So they grabbed beverages and a bag of shrimp chips from the cupboard, plus their bags of goodies from shopping, and headed upstairs, figuring it was better than nothing.

"Oh wooooow, this is so, so…"

"Yes," Ai sighed. "So pink."

Indeed it was. Literally everything that was capable of being pink in that bedroom had been given that treatment, from bed sheets to carpets to walls. At least most of it was a very pale shade, so it wasn't so lurid as to be painful on the eyes. Ai seemed to have a wardrobe in addition to an actual closet, and had her own entertainment system with a smaller TV and a couple of old game systems.

Wait…

"Hey, whoa, you have video games?!"

"What? Oh, I- w-wait, nobody was supposed to see those!" Ai hissed, grimacing and taking a step forward as if she could suddenly hide the consoles from her guest. Not that that was possible, given she was already in the room and had seen them.

"I haven't played one of these since they put me in Karaoke Retribution. Wow, you have Famidrive, Super Famidrive, Joystation…" Rise started looking through the games, and her host fell silent. Eventually, she said, "You sure do have a lot of RPGs and sports titles. What's…?"

But when she looked over her shoulder, she saw Ai looked extremely uncomfortable and ashamed, staring down the carpet as her toes scrunched in its fibers. Why did she look so stressed? Eventually, she made her best guess and put the games back, turning from the floor to look up at her more properly.

"Sorry. That's… my bad, I shouldn't have just started pawing through your collection without even asking. Sorry." She even bowed a little.

"Oh… it, um, it's fine. And those are really old, I haven't even played all of them."

"We don't have to talk about that." Privately, Rise thought the collection looked meticulously cared for, and there wasn't a speck of dust on any of the consoles or the games. But she didn't want to push the matter because it really seemed like she had done something wrong by drawing so much attention to it.

"Good. They're old and stupid." She cleared her throat. "Do you… want to try on some of my clothes? Or… ugh, I sound like a complete idiot."

But Rise merely stood up and rested a hand on her shoulder. "You've never had anybody over here, right? Haven't made many friends since you moved. I get it, it's okay."

Very hesitantly, she squinted at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "Really? You don't think I'm a lame freak for being nervous about it?"

"No. Now, do you have a CD player?"

"I usually just use my Joystation." Then she froze in place, as if she had caught herself saying something wrong.

"Cool! That works." Maybe if she just acted super casual about everything, it would set her new friend at ease. "Want to put in your CD? That old one."

"I thought you wanted to listen to yours while you were here…"

"Oh, we have time," she giggled with a little bounce, shaking Ai's arm. "Come on, let's set this party off!"

Talked into action, Ebihara rolled her eyes hard. "Well, if you're going to beg I guess I might as well give in." However, Rise could see her cheeks bunching with a smile once she had turned away, grabbing up one of her shopping bags and digging around for the album.

"Let me take a look in here," Rise called out as she skipped over to the wardrobe and threw it open. "Dresses, dresses… you really like dresses."

"All the skirts and capris and whatever are in the closet," she called over to her as she messed around with the console, trying to get music playing. "And most of my blouses. Oh — here we go."

As soon as it started, it was so upbeat and cheesy that Rise burst out in a fit of giggles. But she looked over to check if Ai was offended — she was — so she quickly followed up with, "It's cute! I just haven't listened to old-fashioned music like this in a while."

"Yeah, yeah, you hate it." Suddenly, a patent leather pump hit her in the head. "HEY! The hell are you doing, throwing my shoes? AT ME?!"

"Stop that!" Rise admonished her, already rearing back with the matching pump. "I didn't say you were a loser for listening to it, just that it's not usually my thing. But it's good!"

"I can turn it off, it's no big-" When she saw her taking aim with the other shoe, she raised both hands and set the controller down. "Okay, okay, you monster! We'll let it play."

"Good. Now come over here and play with your own personal Dress Up Rise doll. Do you have any idea how many fans would kill to be in your position?"

Shaking her head, she snorted as she stood up and walked over to join her. "Thought I made it crystal clear I am not a fan. But I guess…" A smile began to take over her features. "Can… I try yours on?"

"Huh? This stuff? I mean, it's nothing special… and you're taller, it could look weird. But you're also really trim and cute, so I guess it might work."

"Cool, thanks. And here — I think you could rock this pretty well." She snatched a red mini dress from the rack in the wardrobe and held it out to her. "I can turn around — or leave the room, if you want."

Rise was already giggling as she began to pull off her blouse. "Why? I'm not shy like that. I mean, only because I trust you not to take pictures; that would piss me off."

Unfortunately, the conversation was temporarily put on hold while Ai stared in wonder as she changed right in front of her. Rise really felt sorry for her; did she really never have any friends at all? It seemed so. Sure, Rise herself didn't take them for granted, either, since her own pool of friendships had been rather thin before she achieved national stardom. But Ai had no one at all. That was such a depressing existence…

"What's the matter?" she finally asked once she had stepped out of her white capris, leaving herself in her underwear and reaching for the dress.

"N-nothing, mind your own business." But the light blush in Ai's cheeks said that she wasn't nearly as comfortable with changing in front of anyone as she wished.

"Okay, sheesh." Then she handed over the capris as she started turning the dress to figure it out. She saw Ai struggling to pull them up beneath her dress and she laughed. "Do you think you're at the beach? You don't have to do that, either."

"What? Is this… is it weird?"

"Well… no, I guess it's not that bad. But you don't have to be so modest; it's not like you don't have anything I haven't seen before in the mirror." Rise laughed.

Ai did not. But it may just have been because she was focusing on not looking completely chagrined. Once she had the capris on, she finally did shuck the dress in one aggravated movement, as if trying to force herself to do it caused the motion to be faster.

"Hey, these are nice," Rise giggled as she poked one of her friend's boobs. The taller girl let out a blast of startled air, then slapped both forearms across her chest. "Aww, she's still shy! You're so cute, Ebi-chan!"

"St-stop harassing me, you pop star pervert!" This time, Rise's laughter was contagious, and they were both giggling as the song changed. This one was a floatier, more romantic number. "Oh…"

As she shimmied the red fabric all the way down her body, situating it in place, Rise asked, "What is it?"

"Nothing." At least this time, that pointed stare was enough to prompt her to try again. "It's… I didn't know… I've heard my mom listen to this. 'Purity'; I remember now."

"Oh. Well… we can change it, or… we can enjoy it?" She paused to take up both of her friend's hands and squeeze them tightly. "Whatever you need."

"No…" A deep breath. "No, it's fine. This is good; it's basically all I have left of her, she never calls anymore." After a few blinks of surprise at herself, she cleared her throat and started to sway their arms back and forth.

"I get you. My parents… well, you probably read all about it. Old news."

"Tell me."

"Well… we broke all contact, too," Rise admitted as they began to turn in a slow circle. "They got really demanding about my career, and it felt like they didn't care about me as a daughter anymore. Just as a source of income and attention. I know I should probably try to make up with them sometime, we all just didn't understand each other very well. But it's… hard."

"I can't imagine. Being disappointed, definitely, but not that level of… I don't know, almost manipulation?"

"Yep. Manipulation is pretty dead on, as much as it sucks to say it."

"Yeah. I…" A couple of quiet seconds of swaying as Ai tried to find her words. At some point, Rise had reached up to rest her hand on her friend's shoulder, and a hand had moved to her own waist. "I think they made a mistake. You've been the most amazing friend I've ever had."

"Give it a few more days," she snickered. "And a few more friends. You only think I'm that great 'cause you haven't had any others lately."

"Like I need them! Tch. You're already best friend material, and I only accept the best. So there's no point in window-shopping around for cheap knockoffs."

Somehow… Ai had made that both sound like she was doing her a favor, and paying her the highest compliment imaginable. It was incredibly sweet in a bizarrely demanding way. Perfectly Ebihara.

Realizing that was what made her also realize they had been slow dancing for a couple of minutes now. Without her heeled sandals, she was even shorter than usual, which meant she had to gaze upward into her tall friend's face to see how she was doing. And when she saw she was staring back…

Ai actually looked content. For once in her life, she looked like she was at peace, just dancing to some old city pop slow jam in her bedroom. She wasn't trying to exploit Rise, wasn't as disinterested as she had once pretended. No, her entire focus was on her, and just because she liked her.

Almost like…

"Careful, cutie," she joked with a dimple-graced grin. "If I didn't know any better, I would say you're hitting on me."

"Hm?" Ai breathed distantly, clearly distracted by her own thoughts.

"It's okay, I'm just being dumb. You're fine, Ebi-chan." She leaned up and pressed a gentle kiss into Ai's cheek before pulling back to bite her bottom lip for a moment. Maybe she was just doing it to be kind… but she also suspected she was doing it because of the slow dance. A tender gesture like that just seemed to suit the song, the mood, the whole moment.

That single peck left her friend speechless again. Rise almost began to say something before she saw her moving, and she held her words for a moment. Wanting to let her hug her or whatever. This was going to be a great growing moment for Ai, and for their friendship. Maybe she would even learn to hug other people! Eventually.

Feeling lips press so delicately at the corner of her mouth threw all of those thoughts out the window. Really, that brief contact changed everything about that moment even more: the hokey old ballad suddenly sounded like pure magic, the club-ready minidress felt more like a ball gown. Rise had literally never felt like this in her entire life — up to and including when she had some of the country's most eligible boy bands and actors fawning over her in the past. Including the many unbelievable adventures she had been on with the Investigation Team.

She felt like she was with Narukami again. But instead of having her advances go unrequited, this was what it would be like if he looked at her the way she looked at him.

If only it wasn't Ai Ebihara standing in front of her, looking at her that way. Now she had a problem. How was she supposed to explain that her interest in her wasn't romantic? They were both girls! That kind of thing just wasn't done in Japan. Sure, she had heard it was more common overseas, and rumours within their own entertainment industry, but that wasn't the same as actually pursuing it for real. But then where were all these feelings coming from?

"Ai…"

The unfortunate coincidence was, her suddenly-very-close friend's name just happened to be pronounced the same way as "love". So whispering it the way she had, regardless of whether she meant to… it carried a certain connotation.

One that did not seem to be lost on Ai herself. Not if the next kiss was any indication. Brief as it was, just barely pressing into her lips before it was gone, it still was a first for both of them. First kiss - as whatever lay beyond the boundaries of friendship.

Temptation to just go for it welled up as Rise slid her hands up along Ai's stomach, perching on her shoulders in a vain attempt to find a grip somehow. To anchor herself within this whirlwind moment. She knew honest surprise was written across her face now; she may have been an actor, but this had caught her so unaware that she couldn't even begin to fabricate responses. Pure, unfiltered Rise.

And now the kiss was over… leaving two very confused teenage girls standing with their hands on each other's bodies, staring back at each other with bewilderment.

"I… wow, that…"

"Rise-ch… I… didn't- that w-wasn't-"

"No, no, I know." Damage control. She smiled, trying to put her friend at ease as she whispered, "Sometimes things happen, we didn't plan… I would never say you…"

Ai licked her lips, shivered. "I didn't. I'm so sorry, was… was that your first, too?"

"M-my first with… a girl… I, um, I did kiss a boy for a drama I was in. But that was just acting." Why was she telling her all this? Was this not acting?

Then what was it?

Suddenly, Ai took a step back, her hands still raised vaguely near her heaving chest as if she were going to pat herself down, or reach for Rise. Though she didn't. "Hey, you have to believe me, I didn't- this was not why I brought you back to my house. I'm not a pervert, I wasn't trying to…"

"Pervert? For a kiss?"

"No, I… for shit that comes after a kiss. In case you thought I was going to try anything funny."

"Oh." Her cheeks flooded with color as she finally realized what her friend was getting at, and she said in a slightly higher timbre of voice, "Whoa! That's- yeah, I definitely wasn't thinking about that! What would we do, anyway? You're so silly, Ebi-chan!"

"Right?! No way!" They both laughed nervously for a second or two, then suddenly cut off at the same time.

"Awkward," Rise muttered with another chuckle.

"You, uh, you can leave if you want to. Since it's awkward. Do whatever you want, I don't care."

Already trying to build up her defense mechanisms again. Rise couldn't stand that; she hated wasting time with important work only for it to be thrown out with the bathwater. So she threw her arms around her new friend in a tight hug, trying to ignore the little tingle in the pit of her stomach that told her this meant more than either of them thought it did.

"Stop."

"No."

"Rise… it's… you don't have to do this just to make me feel better. It's weird. I'm fucking everything up."

"You are not! It was only a kiss!"

"But how did it end up like this?" Something familiar about that… but Ai kept pushing ahead, "It has to have been me, because like you said, you've never kissed a girl before. And you do actually have female friends, unlike a bitch like me who doesn't have any at all. And I get one friend, one, and I immediately try to make out with her! Why am I such a fucking head case?!"

"Hey," Rise snapped, "it wasn't like that at all and we both know it. That was like, a wedding kiss, you know? Small and tender, but it didn't lead anywhere crazy. It was sweet."

"Really?" she asked urgently, finally meeting her eyes again. "You… you don't hate me for it?"

Laughing, Rise leaned up to pick her on the lips again. This time, she made sure the contact was so brief that it couldn't possibly develop into anything more — which was now something they had to be worried about, apparently.

"If I hated you, would I do it again?"

"Mhhh…" The other girl closed her eyes, trying to ignore a wave of some emotion that passed through her. Then, smiling, she whispered, "Thank you."

"Hey, you're welcome. Not everybody can say they got a kiss from Risette!" When she giggled, the smile on her friend's face got a little wider, even if her cheeks were still flushed.

The song changed to something a little more upbeat again. The spell was broken. They embraced warmly, then broke apart and started commenting on each other's clothing. Even if the mood didn't totally go back to normal, at least they no longer felt like they were in danger of destroying a friendship that had barely begun.

But the whole time, Rise found herself glancing back at the girl who — had she been that pretty before? — a lot more often than usual. What if they changed everything forever on accident? Maybe it would be okay regardless. She had to hold onto that hope.

To Be Continued…

#We'll Face Ourselves #forkanna writes #persona 4 fanfiction #p4 fanfic #ai ebihara #rise kujikawa #jess the writer

0 notes

tigerlover16-uk-2 · 4 years

Text

Quick note to Pokemon fans

You know, about two months ago or so, I saw someone on Twitter ranting about Sword and Shield, and as an aside they commented on how "Sad" it was that the games would be some children's first Pokemon games.

This struck a very personal nerve with me for reasons I'll get to, and I made a snappy tweet of my own in response to it and was going to write up a quick post here about why it bothered me.

I decided not to because after being distracted for a bit, I felt like I didn't have the energy to bother with it after.

Something that happened last night made me decide to go ahead with it.

A tweet was going around recounting a story from reddit about how a fan saw a teenager bullying his kid sister for being excited for the games, straight up telling her she was a bad person for supporting a bad product and making her cry.

The girl apparently had a scorbunny plush with her, and the fan who saw this happening speculated that she was just getting into Pokemon, and these games might even be the first new ones her parents were going to buy for her.

Needless to say, I was disgusted and outraged. Not even just because of how cruel and selfish it is to behave in such a manner to a small child, this story resonated with me in a personal way because, honestly... I've seen this sort of thing before.

I've said before I grew up with the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy and the 3D era Sonic the hedgehog games (and media based on them like Sonic X). I loved them both growing up, and Sonic in particular meant the world to me for many years...

Which made it really disheartening to see the visceral hate they got from people online, accusing these things of "ruining" those respective franchises and those older fans own childhoods.

I've seen people called stupid, tasteless or "not real fans" for defending them, a general condescending attitude to every little detail of modern entries in the franchises, and an insistence that people like me who liked them were just innocent fools who were in denial because we didn't know any better.

"You only like them because you don't know what REAL Star Wars/Sonic is like"

I was rather stupid and reserved as a kid, rather depressed and isolated for a lot of my teenage years. I wasn't very critically discerning, so I never knew how to argue in defense of things that I liked. So needless to say, it felt really disheartening and alienating to see a lot of people treat the things that I liked and which resonated with me as so over the top horrible and the bane of some supposedly glorious triumphs of cinema and gaming that I'd missed out on.

There were people who felt differently and shared my appreciation back then, sure, but it sure felt like I wasn't welcome in a lot of fandom spaces.

I'm lucky to say I was never personally bullied by the more obnoxious older fans (I didn't really talk to people online until about a decade ago, and only through private messages on one website at that for a while), but I did hear stories of it, especially with Star Wars.

And the sheer negativity and cynicism from so many people did get me down and feel like maybe I was just stupid and in the wrong. And considering how part of this coincided with my teenage years (some of the worst of my life), it really got me down and took me years to start feeling confident in my own feelings on both franchises again.

Going back to Pokemon now: it's okay to be upset about the National Dex issue in Sword and Shield. It's okay to be disappointed with the overall presentation of the games and a lot of Game Freak's creative choices, and the business decisions that result in several of these problems like the yearly release schedule.

It's encouraged to complain about things like that to a reasonable amount, constructive criticism is necessary. Things don't change for the better if people stay silent all the time or everyone becomes too complacent. I think the whole situation with Sonic's design in the upcoming live action movie is a good demonstration of criticism being a necessity.

I am certainly not without my criticisms and concerns.

But don't ever forget... these games are meant for children. And around the world, there are children who are going to be playing Sword and Shield as some of their first Pokemon games, if not their very first.

There are going to be kids for whom Sword and Shield are a big part of their formative experiences with the franchise, and that'll influence how they view it. There are going to be kids who grow up loving Scorbunny and Sobble and Grookey and a bunch of the other new Pokemon and characters as much as we all loved Charmander and squirtle and bulbasaur and all the rest.

There are going to be kids who's favourite Pokemon games are Sword and Shield.

That doesn't mean you can't complain about them. That doesn't mean you have to pretend to like them, or consider them good. It doesn't mean you can't be cynical about the direction of the franchise if you don't like where it's heading.

But you absolutely should respect those children and their right to still enjoy modern Pokemon freely and openly.

Don't be like that stupid teenager. Don't be condescending and dismissive of people's enjoyment of Sword and Shield, or treat them like they're part of a problem for having fun with a simple video game.

And beyond that... don't ever let me catch you going "Oh, the poor kids, growing up with the worst Pokemon games" or anything like that. Because buddy: you don't care about children. Not really.

You're angry on behalf of yourself and other older fans who are more clearly effected by Dexit and the other controversies. You're just using children as a shield to make your complaints sound noble.

I've no doubt there are plenty of kids who are disappointed with the Dex cut like all of you. But the kids who aren't, the ones that are getting into the series just now, and are going to grow up to view Sword and Shield fondly: they're not going to want your fake pity any more than I did.

Because I did eventually watch the original Star Wars movies and play some of the first 3 Sonic games to see what "REAL Star wars" and "REAL Sonic" were. And you know what?

Wasn't impressed.

It was all fine, but I liked my childhood better anyway, and I'm sorry I was ever dumb and insecure enough to let a bunch of joyless, angry crybabies on the internet convince me I should be embarrassed and ashamed of myself for liking what I got into the franchises through.

Be disappointed and critical all you want. Roll your eyes at adults who are being blatant boot lickers and trying to write off any and all criticism as just baseless hate. People like that are as silly as the genuinely toxic haters and are fair game.

But leave children out of all this, guys. Don't let them grow up thinking that they're a problem or that it's wrong to enjoy the new Pokemon games even if they do have problems.

#Pokemon Sword and Shield #pokemon #Game Freak

49 notes · View notes

ashley-incharge · 4 years

Text

Scandal Revealed | The Ashleys

Ashleigh Q. reveals a cheater and the Ashleys plot revenge

[Dated: January 13th]

@ashleigh-inyourdreams @ashlee-inperfection

Ashleigh: girlies 😦 😦 😦 are you there? Ashley: Of course. What's going on Ash? Ashlee: Of course! Are you okay????

Ashleigh: im so upset Ashleigh: im so fucking angry actually Ashleigh: fuck this is so embarrassing Ashlee: Nothing is embarrassing with us Ashlee: Whatever you need Ashley: what happened? Ashley: who do we need to destroy? Ashlee: ^^^^

Ashleigh: its just Ashleigh: ok Ashleigh: robbie and i are done Ashleigh: he cheated on me Ashleigh: can you believe that? Ashleigh: ugh i feel so gross Ashlee: What????????? Ashlee: Ew to him Ashley: HE dared to cheat on YOU? Ashley: ROBBIE? the boy who is lucky to even be NEAR YOU? Ashley: i'll kill him with my own two hands Ashleigh: im so upset i just cant believe it Ashleigh: i thought we were something you know? Ashlee: Way to downgrade, 80 to 20 but 100 to 0 i bet Ashleigh: whats wrong with me that he'd cheat on me? Ashley: nothing. he's THE WORST. Ashley: he's G A R B A G E Ashlee: Nothing, he's an idiot for not seeing what we see

Ashleigh: and with that awful boy too Ashley: what awful boy? Ashleigh: god you cant judge me Ashleigh: im legit like im so ashamed Ashleigh: he's not even a fucking 7 Ashlee: Judgement free zone, We'll kick their ass Ashleigh: and ashlee i just feel so awful to you too Ashley: you know we would never judge you babe Ashleigh: i dont know how to tell you this Ashlee: ????

Ashleigh: honestly i couldnt believeit buti saw the texts with my own two eyes Ashleigh: its nemo Ashlee: what Ashley: NEMO? that dimwitted Ashleigh: he's been fucking nemo Ashley: Nemo?!

Ashleigh: im heartbroken Ashlee: (Ashlee showing typing for like 5 min but not saying anything) Ashleigh: it all probably happened because they're lab partners like what the fuck Ashley: i'm going to throw that bastard off a cliff or something Ashley: i swear to god! how DARE HE Ashleigh: nemo made the teacher SWITCH us like, in novermber Ashlee: I'm so sorry Ash Ashleigh: no im so sorry Ashleigh: i know he's your dance partner Ashleigh: but i just i dont see how i can even be in the same room with him now Ashlee: Doesn't give him the right to hurt you Ashlee: I don't care he's my dance partner you're my girl Ashley: you won't be expected to. We'll destroy them both Ashleigh: i just want nemo to pay honestly Ashleigh: he played dirty Ashley: remember what we did to stutter boy? that'll be nothing compared to what we'll do to Nemo. Ashleigh: ugh and think what everyone is going to say Ashleigh: when they see them together Ashley: that they're disgusting? Ashleigh: i just want you to know girlies i dumped him i did as SOON as i saw those disgusting texts Ashleigh: but im sure everyone is going to say I was dumped. ME Ashlee: We have to get ahead of it Ashley: we just have to get ahead of it that's right ashlee T Ashlee: Nemo is obvi the rebound who isn't even A GOOD Rebound Ashleigh: he's a fucking 5 Ashley: not even Ashley: that trashbag doesn't deserve to be a 5 Ashley: he's in the negatives, he hurt you Ashleigh: i just cant believe i put our reputation at risk like this Ashley: you have done absolutely nothing wrong babe Ashley: you know we adore you. We'll fix this Ashley: they will pay. Both of them will pay Ashleigh: thank you so much Ashleigh: im going to need serious retail therapy girls Ashleigh: i mean not right now im crying rn ugh im truly a mess Ashleigh: i dont want anyone to see me like this Ashley: don't worry Ash. We've got your back ❤️ Ashleigh: he was like, my first boyfriend you know? Ashlee: And he didn't deserve you Ashlee: None of these asshole in school deserve you Ashley: that's so true Ashleigh: you dont think that rose that nemo got was from him, do you ashlee? Ashleigh: he never got me roses :frowning: Ashlee: I doubt Nemo could get another 'admirer' Ashlee: Just proves Robbie didn't know what he had Ashley: Robbie's a dumbass. Clearly

Ashleigh: i just cant believe he lied to your face Ashleigh: and robbie lied to me Ashleigh: boys are the worst Ashley: oh they so are. okay we just need a battle plan. How are we gonna take them down? Ashleigh: i dunno i cant even haunt the little twerp how fucking unfair Ashley: but you can destroy his dreams in a more physical way. At least the whole dancing thing. Ashley: destroy his dance stuff for starters Ashleigh: but his dance stuff is ashlee's stuff Ashley: he asked me for money for his shoes once. there is no way he can afford more Ashleigh: ugh it's like he was invented to make me miserable Ashlee: I dont have to partner with him Ashleigh: are you sure tiny? Ashleigh: i mean this is why i feel so bad because i know like, you dance so well together and id never want to jeopardize YOU Ashlee: I'll make it work, I don't think I can do it right away but I'll figure something out Ashley: i have another idea! Nemo is like the gross kind of friendly. He wants everyone to like him so just...do stuff to people he does like and tell them it's his fault. Let's make the school H A T E him Ashleigh: oooo that could be interesting Ashley: right? it's almost twice the punishment really. personally I don't care for any of the people he associates with anyway so Ashley: you could haunt some of his friends, we'll figure out how to torment them all Ashleigh: i think if we made it targeted it would be the best use of our efforts instead of dividing and conquering. Really make him watch one person suffer Ashleigh: and know that it was his fault Ashleigh: remember how he freaked out when you poured that punch over finn's head? Ashleigh: what an easy target Ashley: oooo of course Ashley: you know I love to torment Finn Ashley: what a baby Ashlee: Finn would be the easiest yeah Ashleigh: do you think dash would rough up finn for us? Ashley: you know he's pretty willing to do a lot of things. I asked him to mess with Mei you know. lol Ashleigh: lol i do know Ashley: we can certainly ask him. After all, we wouldn't want to dirty our own hands if we don't have to Ashlee: He's a little lackey i love it Ashleigh: just have to make sure nemo knows its because of what he's done. as long as dash can deliver that message Ashleigh: i'll take a little trip into finn's dreams too Ashley: brilliant. I'll reach out to dash then shall i? Ashley: he really is like an obedient puppy. I quite like it Ashleigh: ugh thank you so much Ashleigh: i still feel shitty but im glad i have you both Ashlee: Are you sure you don't want company? I'll pack a spa basket? Ashleigh: no i think tonight i just need to cry and take a long bath :frowning: Ashleigh: tomorrow though :heart: Ashley: tomorrow we should all meet up. stay over and we'll give you the spa treatment and retail therapy you deserve Ashlee: Anything you want, we're all yours

#t: scandal revealed #r: the ashleys #hell hath no fury like the ashleys scorned

4 notes · View notes

morethanithoughtofficialblog · 4 years

Text

Chapter 5: Was there any point in trying?

In which you wonder if this was a good idea.

*Toriel's POV*

I put on the best dress I could find and perfumed myself with a gift that Lauren gave me. She has been too nice since we arrived on the Surface. I think I should give her a present!

...once all of this is over.

(Y/N) said yesterday that everything was fine and that the president only wanted to discuss the terms of our freedom. Let's just hope that is true.

Therefore, Asgore and I will attend a meeting with the president and, of course, (Y/N). She's been such a sweetheart with us, always supportive and encouraging. I would love to have her as a friend; she is just wonderful!

I was about to leave the house when I felt my daughter's hand tugging my sleeve.

"Mom, why can't we go?"

I felt how my heart slowly sank, knowing that my child wants to know everything about this. Such a caring, loving girl. She'll be a great woman.

"Oh, my dear, (Y/N) said that only Asgore and I should go. But worry not! You have your friends here to entertain yourself!"

"But, mom... they're as worried as I am"

I looked into the living room and realized that Frisk was right. Sans's smile was fading slowly, Arial's expression was as concerned as her first day on her new job, Undyne was probably waiting for an explanation, and so on. Even Papyrus seemed a little bit shaky for all of this.

"I promise that everything is going to be ok, my child. Now be a good girl, and behave yourself in front of Richard and Lauren"

"Yes, mom..." She pouted, seeing there was no point in complaining with her mother. I sighed and left the house, Asgore nervously waiting for me. Oh dear...

"Sha-shall we go, To-tori?"

"Don't 'Tori' me, Asgore"

"M-my apologies..."

And then we started our uncomfortable way to our meeting, trying our best to not break down.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

Suit? Yep.

Makeup? Yep.

Tie? Yep.

Perfume? Please don't put more of that thing.

I nervously sighed and looked at my watch, then at myself. Did I put little effort or too much on my outfit? Do I have enough makeup? Is it exaggerated? Should I have put my hair up in a bun instead of keeping it down? Should I have left my glasses at home?

My mind's been teasing me way too much ever since Mailey left the café, minutes after I ended my call with Asgore. I'm probably going to fuck up all my effort.

Why am I even tryi-

"Hello, Miss (L/N)" a tall and recognized man greeted, a neutral look on his face. I snapped immediately back to reality and extended my hand.

"Good morning, Mr. President" I answered, keeping my cool "Please take a seat. The rulers of the Underground should be here in a few minutes"

"Wonderful. Do you have tea, by any chance?"

What?

"...sure! Which type do you like?"

"Goldenflower tea would be excellent- if you have, of course"

Oh, so now his questioning me?! What a jerk!

"Uh, yes I do, sir. It's one of the King's favorites, actually"

"Really? Hmm. Now I want to meet him more..."

I put the teapot over a small table I had and started to make the tea. I don't think I'm that bad making it, so maybe I have a chance. And just when I was serving him a cup in silence, a knock was heard on the door.

Good thing I have more teacups.

"Come in!"

Mr. and Mrs. Dreemurr entered softly in the room, immediately greeting the man. Of course he goes first, right? Eh, I shouldn't be thinking this way. 'Cause, after all, they indeed greeted me with a bigger smile.

I smiled to myself and grabbed two cups of tea on the main desk, then I returned for the other two.

And just like that, we started.

This is going to be a long day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV* (oh boy)

This is gonna be a long day

The kid's been way more annoying than ever, poking everyone with desperation and trying to find the perfect game to entertain us. What a wimp.

Everyone's nervous, yes, but we have to hold on. Honestly, though, I already gave up hope. We are definitely going back to the Underground. It was just a matter of time. Oh well, the Surface was... something while it lasted.

I should text (Y/N) a message and thank her for giving us a slight spark of hope. Besides, from one of the few kind humans that tried to help us. She really shouldn't have wasted her time on us. We were a lost cause since the very beginning.

And now, it will hurt more. Because we had a chance to feel the sun and to see the stars, but that will be just a memory from now on. It hurts. It really does.

I just wished I could have really enjoyed my time here so far. Because I probably didn't. Mostly because I got to be with my parents way more than I did before in my whole life.

Paps has tried his best to keep me happy, but it's just not that easy, y' know? We have our history together, and it's not the best. Especially with my father, Gaster, and how perfect he wants me to be.

But I'm Sans. A fucked-up young skeleton that feels old. A comedian for everyone, an asshole for myself.

Arial, my mother, was washing dishes over and over, hoping nobody noticed. But I bet everyone did. I guess that's her way to deal with anxiety, huh? She's probably inexperienced with this feeling. How... fortunate.

I, myself, have dealt with this since I was a kid. Therefore, while everyone was trying to distract themselves, I was just laying on the couch with a lazy grin. I'm just that experienced.

I must admit I'm not that relaxed, though. Ever since Toriel and Asgore explained what was going on, I wasn't able to focus on my reading. And it's a science fiction book, so it's really weird. It's eating me up 'cause, well, the kid could reset again.

And I'm not letting it happen...

again.

I groaned, feeling useless than usual. I've been promising myself that I won't let it happen again; ever since Flowey, even, 'cause he had that ability before the kid came.

Those two little freaks have ruined my life. Well, them and my parents. But that's another story.

Alphys started to think negatively, just like me. The difference was that she did it out loud.

"Alphys! Don't think that way!" Frisk exclaimed, visibly angry.

"Hey! You just don't shout at MY girlfriend!" Undyne roared, angrier than Frisk "If you want to discuss something, THEN SAY IT TO ME FIRST!"

Aaaaaaand the fight began... shit.

Paps, being the kind monster he is, intervened in the fight between his friends. Alphys tried to calm Undyne, while Frisk just kept being a sassy prick.

Oh kid, if only Tori knew.

Flowey groaned at first but ended up supporting Frisk, just because she was about to punch Alphys. Arial grew worried and tried her best to keep Papyrus out of it.

But she couldn't. It doesn't surprise me one bit.

Gaster just silently watched. I bet he is mentally smirking at this point.

That fucking jerk.

Mettaton walked away from it some two good miles, avoiding any bruise that would affect his disgusting reputation. Napstablook... he just cried in silence. He is such a huge mood. I wonder if he knows that.

Then Undyne pushed Paps hard. Like, REALLY hard.

And no one, and I mean no one, touches my FUCKING BROTHER.

"hey! watch your goddamn moves!" I shouted, losing my cool completely. Way to go, Sans.

"Make me" She dared, with a stupid smile on her face. Oh, it's on.

...

I ended up having a fistfight with Undyne, throwing her on the floor and punching her face like if my life depended on it.

I just couldn't think straight. My mind went blank, and my left eye switched between blue and yellow. Again.

Arial tried to pull me away, and again, she failed. I glanced at Gaster briefly and saw a hint of hate on his face. Disappointment, anger, and shame. Ashamed of his own son. Oh, I hate this guy so much, I could do the same to him as I did to Undyne...

...

And I did.

I balanced towards him, shouting things like "stop looking at me like that!" or "what's your fucking problem?!". Undyne wasn't unconscious nor near to being, and that just made me angrier. I wanted to grab Papyrus, burn the house, then continue with my life.

Then I saw something I didn't want to- or well, someone...

Emily. Emily was still there, watching in horror.

Shit.

I suddenly stopped, realizing my mistake. Everyone had a hint of surprise and horror on their faces. Everyone, except Frisk and Flowey.

They have seen me like this before.

And now, everyone has.

Now they know something I didn't want them to know.

I fucked up.

"emily, kid... i'm sorry" I muttered, feeling like a mess. "thank you for everything, by the way. it was great while it lasted".

Then, before I could hear her response, I teleported to my room, which wasn't even my own.

And I broke down.

I just fucked up way more than I thought.

No one will think of me as the same.

Not even Paps.

My life is ruined.

I would beg for a reset, but the kid and the weed would remember anyway.

They're gonna make my life fucking hell.

I continued crying and laughing, knowing that now no one out there would help me.

That, after all, I hadn't had any hope left.

And it hurts.

It really does.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

We ended up with a shake of hands, and when the president left the room, we three hugged happily.

We did it.

It was actually quite easier than I thought. I must thank all those people who fought racism and discrimination back in the past. Without them, this wouldn't have happened.

We reasoned peacefully with him, and he promised he would let all the country know the news: Monsters have now legal rights.

Maybe people won't accept them easily, but hey, they're legal citizens now! I was so happy I could have cried.

...

And I did.

And they did, too.

We were just that happy we could finally get rid of this.

However, they needed an ambassador: someone who could represent them.

Therefore...

"(Y/N), dear, I think you should be our ambassador!" Mrs. Dreemurr happily exclaimed between sobs, and I just froze.

Ambassador? C'mon (Y/N), you know you can't do it! Besid-

"Yes, young one! You deserve it!" Asgore added, letting more tears down his fluffy fur.

Wait, do they really want me to be the one? To have this honor? ME?!?!

"I, uh..."

I couldn't think straightly. My mind went blank, my vision blurrier, and my heart sank. And, without thinking, I finally agreed.

"I'll be your ambassador. I, (Y/N) (L/N), will represent you all!"

And with that, we hugged again, making me the happiest girl on the Earth.

It feels good...

It really does.

#sans x reader #more than i thought fanfiction #more than i thought #chapter 5 #sans #x reader #undertale

2 notes · View notes

bastardbutch · 5 years

Text

growing up gnc, i always related so much to what i read from trans women speaking about their experiences - but because i was having that struggle with gender as an afab person, i couldn’t make sense of that solidarity i felt with them. so in conjunction with all the lovely complex things we’re conditioned to internalize, of course, the only other option i knew i had at the time was to be a boy. living that way had to be more viable than being such a failure of a woman, right? except it wasn’t for me, at least the way i tried to conceptualize it at the time.

the funny thing is, i liked the things about myself other people deemed too masculine or confusing for a girl to be until i was made to feel ashamed about them. there’s this weird kind of dysphoria that comes from questioning what you are, despite your deepest gut feeling, because other people have questioned or directly opposed you so many times.

there’s navigating other people feeling like they are entitled to give input on how you present and look, entitled to access to your body, to know about you and your history and “what you really are.” there’s the street harassment, the misgendering both innocuous and malicious, the defenses you always have up - at least a little, even around people you know.

and feeling like you owe it to family-lovers-your job-society-everyone on the fucking planet to perform femininity, to look like the right kind of woman if for no other reason than to get people off your back. but i never learned how to use make-up or dress pretty in my teens when most girls were experimenting with style and techniques. you feel behind because you weren’t taught how to blend in, and i felt this weird guilt for any interest i did have in “girl things” as a kid because i’d been told in so many ways i wasn’t meant for them. it takes you forever to figure out how to express it in a way that isn’t performative, because what the hell does that feel like? you never felt like you fit in with either side of things quite right. chances are you didn’t have many role models to go off of for what kind of person you could grow up to be.

let’s not forget that special side of themselves men show you when, to them, you’re “just one of the guys.” there’s that creep of horror and disgust you start feeling towards every dude you meet - you’ve heard so many who you thought were decent people say some insane shit and laugh about it, how do you ever really know for sure? - but don’t worry! you’ll still desperately crave the validation that you are indeed a woman that their approval and desire gives you, just to make shit real complicated for ya. and then there’s that special phenomenon we all know and love: being a token of what’s wrong and ugly according to the male gaze, which of course turns us into conquests or fetishes for freaks who like to think they’re progressive because they’re willing to fuck women like us. if you find that you actually are attracted to men and not just that rush of gender confirmation, good fuckin’ luck, ‘cause if you’re anything like me you have awful taste. also, might just be me, but i seem to get attracted to dudes i feel like i should have been like had i been able to actually commit to living as a guy. that’s a fun one.

there’s the looks and jeers you get from other women. even if they act like you’re part of their group, you always feel like you’re a little to the side to them, never really a part of the conversation - but hey, at least this time you’re not being outright excluded, right? we all know how often that happens. and who can count how many times you’ve just had to take a piss, but wound up having someone call security on you, or outright confront you in the bathroom, or you found yourself hiding in the stall waiting for someone outside to leave. it’s easier and safer to just dehydrate yourself most of the time.

having your identity as a woman belittled, mocked, denied completely, and made a target for violence is such a painful and isolating experience. but even worse? the rejection from other wlw you’re supposed to share community with, because they don’t think you’re enough like them. that’s not even getting into how much time you spend believing that shit. it’s hard to escape the messages that you’re predatory, and you’ve been told you’re posing as something you’re not no matter how you present or what you say you are. and being into women when you’re not sure if you have the right to identify as one, but knowing you sure as shit don’t want to be a man because you’ve seen the way they treat women, is its own big confusing thing. do i wanna be her? look like her? kiss her? do i just like her shoes and hair? who knows! maybe it’s all of em!

i still get hella confused about my gender and i’m not gonna act like i’ve figured it out, or like i think i will soon. sometimes i think i might be trans masc, but right now i navigate the world as a gnc/nonbinary woman, i choose to just not think about it most of the time. i think if i had been able to talk to more trans women when i was really struggling with this - rather than thinking i had to be a boy, having a really toxic relationship with masculinity, and learning so much from the straight dudes i was hanging out with - i could have been... so much less confused and anguished over my gender identity. i would have known being a woman was an option, that the experiences i was having with being a girl weren’t uncommon, that they didn’t mean i wasn’t one. i wish i had been able to talk to other lbt women, and that i hadn’t had so much shame beaten into me surrounding the kind of girl i was - maybe then i wouldn’t have tried so hard to distance myself from womanhood entirely and done so much damage to my relationship with myself. i’m still grateful for the things i’ve learned about myself through the exploration i’ve done over the years, and i’m proud of the progress i’ve made, but being such a late bloomer is frustrating sometimes.

#gender #long #transmisogyny #transphobia #misogyny

19 notes · View notes

crashdevlin · 6 years

Text

I Never

Author’s Note: Unbeta’ed cause I have no beta. Written for @bamby0304‘s Triple Threat Challenge. (I know you said you’d never admit it if it an entry in your challenge sucks, but I honestly would like to know if it sucks, so please if it does, Bamby, send me a message) My prompts were: A1- You’re cute when you’re angry. B1- You’re an asshole. and C10- Bite me.

Summary: Y/n is a hunter who begrudgingly asks the Winchesters for help. The Winchesters don’t understand why she hates them when she doesn’t even know them, so Dean suggests a drinking game to get to know each other.

Pairing(s): Sam x Reader x Dean (no wincest)

Word Count: 2723

Story Warnings: Smut, 18+ HERE BE SEX, DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!, oral sex (fem receiving), fingering, some alcohol, some man-hating (undeserved), some serious leaning upon the ‘Drinking Game’ trope to get shit moving.

"Bite me." You glared at the older Winchester brother and moved to stomp away, but his chuckling stopped you. "Something funny about this?"

"Uh, yeah. You came to us for help, princess, and now you're stomping away like a little kid. I think that's fuckin' hilarious."

"I came to you for help with a hunt and all I've gotten is innuendo and bullshit. I swear to you, if Bobby Singer was still alive, I would have never even called you."

Dean licked his bottom lip into his mouth and bit it lightly. He sighed and gave a small, but genuine, smile. "I'm sorry. You know how I am, y/n. If I can make a thing about sex, I do. It was inappropriate and it won't happen again."

You felt your stance soften under his gaze and some of your anger washed away. "Promise?"

He drew an X over his heart with his finger. "Cross my heart, princess. You will not hear another word from me about repaying this favor with a blow job."

You rolled your eyes. "You know, you're hunters, too. It shouldn't be seen as a favor to do your damn job."

He nodded. "I'd agree with that, 'cept last time we swept in and tried to help you without being invited, you freaked out on us. Claimed it was your hunt and we were fuckin' you up."

"I almost shot Sam, and the ghoul got away, because you showed up in the middle of my damn hunt."

"We got the thing."

"Two nights later!" You exclaimed. You took a deep breath and shook your head. "Doesn't matter. Look, dude had this pipe in every picture of him, I think he whittled the damn thing himself and if there were an object he were gonna attach himself to, it'd be that thing and I just need some help finding it, that's all."

"Yeah, all right, we can totally-"

The door opened as Dean was speaking and Sam walked in, arms full of food. "So, get this. Adamson had a home nurse toward the end who was completely in love with him. She sneaked his pipe out in her med bag the night before he died." Dean put his hand up to try to get Sam to stop talking, but Sam didn't seem to notice from the other side of a paper bag. "She really didn't want to give it up, but I convinced her that it was a felony to take it since it was an antique. Burned up pretty easy after I put the lighter fluid to it."

Your jaw had dropped. "Are you kidding me?! You've already-"

"Hey, y/n." Sam said, smiling, obviously not taking in your expression yet.

"This is... great." You pushed past Sam and out to your car. You spent days looking for that stupid pipe and the Winchesters came in and finished the entire hunt in less that eight hours. You drove to your own dirty-ass motel and grabbed your bottle of whiskey from your car before walking into your room. You sat cross-legged on the bed and started to pull deep gulps of amber liquid into your body. You hated asking for help. You hated asking men for help, especially, after dealing with so many misogynistic male hunters. You'd been hunting just as long as the Winchesters, but somehow they always seemed to completely dominate any hunt they happened to have... even if you were already on that hunt first.

Your motel doorknob jingled as it was picked and you pulled your knife from your belt and tossed it at the intruder as soon as the door opened. Sam's face ducked out of the way just in time for the knife to miss him. "Y/n."

"Go away, Winchester."

"Winchesters." Dean corrected, picking up your knife and sliding in behind Sam.

"Go. Away." You stood, swiping your knife out of Dean’s hand and sliding it back into the holder.

“Come on, y/n. You asked for help. We helped.” Dean defended.

“I asked for help and you took over before I even finished asking. You finished the hunt without me. You-” You shook your head. “Do you know how hard it was for me to even make that call, man? To admit that I need help? And you came in and-and were completely disgusting with me and you’d already sent Sam off to finish up Adamson and why are you smiling?!”

He was smirking as he looked down at you. “You’re cute when you’re angry.”

“Are you kidding me?!”

“Nope. Absolutely adorable.”

“Would you speak to a man like that?” You ground out through clenched teeth.

Sam chuckled, sitting on your bed. “If he was being cute, sure.”

“You’re an asshole. Both of you are assholes. Is that genetic or learned?”

Dean’s face went faux-thoughtful. “Gotta be genetic. Our dad was an asshole. Our grandpa on Mom’s side, too.”

“Might be cultural, though. Dad and Grandpa were both hunters, so maybe it’s a hunter trait.” Turning to Sam showed his face in the same faux-thoughtful expression.

You rolled your eyes and flopped down on your bed next to Sam, picking up your bottle and taking a drink. “It’s definitely a hunter trait.”

“Might be why you’re an asshole, too.” Dean said, standing in front of you and looking down.

“I am not.”

“You’re joking, right? All you’ve done is glare and gripe at me and Sam since you met us. I’m pretty sure you do that to every hunter you come across. You’re a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man, right?”

You bit your tongue as he spoke then nodded. “Right.”

“Yeah, well, it makes you come off like an asshole. You didn’t even try to get to know us before you decided we weren’t worth your time.” Sam said.

“Well…” You bit your tongue harder. They were right. Unfortunately. “Fine. Let’s get to know each other, then.”

Dean’s eyebrows raised. “Okay. What do you wanna know?”

“This was your idea, Winchester. I’m just tryin’ not to be an asshole.”

“All right. How much booze you got?” Dean asked.

“Two more bottles of whiskey and a six of Sam Adams in the mini-fridge. Why?” You asked, looking at the bottle in your hand. Half-full.

“Drinking game. Never Have I Ever.” Dean walked over to the fridge and pulled out the six pack of beer. “We’ll start slow.”

You set your whiskey on the side table and took the beer Dean offered. “Really? What are we, sixteen?”

“Come on. What better way is there to find out about folks? Conversation?” Dean dropped to the bed and the force caused you to bounce.

“I feel like drinking games were designed specifically to get people laid. There’s no point in it other than asking each other risque questions and forcing the consumption of too much alcohol in an effort to lower inhibitions.” But you twisted the cap off the beer, anyway.

“Of course that’s the point. Lower inhibitions, at least. Maybe you’ll be more friendly with a couple in you.” Sam twisted the cap off of his beer and shrugged. “Who’s first?”

“I’ll go.” Dean offered. “Never Have I Ever worn Crocs.”

Sam rolled his eyes and took a drink of his beer. “Never Have I Ever listened to the same song on repeat for two hours.”

Dean smiled and took a drink before nodding at you. “Never Have I Ever fucked some random chick I met just hours before.”

“Low blow.” Dean said as he and Sam both drank.

“The point of this is for you to get drunker than me, right? That’s how you win this game, right?”

“Well, we know she’s competitive.” Sam chuckled.

“Never Have I Ever sent a dirty picture.” Dean said. Neither you nor Sam drank. “Well, that’s disappointing.”

“Never Have I Ever joined a dating app.” Sam’s words made you and Dean both drink.

“Tinder?” Dean asked.

You shrugged, looking down at your nails. “Match. Everybody on Tinder treats it like sex on tap. Not really what I’m looking for.”

“And what are you lookin’ for, ‘cause you kinda put off an aura of ‘don’t come near me’ to anyone who might… you know, understand your life.” Dean commented.

“Hunters… men in general, they just want one thing… and then absolutely nothing else.” You shrugged. “I want what my parents had. I want love, with a side of saving people together.”

“What, you don’t like sex?”

“Dean.” Sam admonished.

“Never Have I Ever had sex that was worth the Walk of Shame the next day.” You answered.

“Wow. That’s kinda sad, y/n.” Sam said, quietly.

“Drink.” You insisted.

“No. Because I’m not ashamed of any sex I’ve ever had so I’ve never had a Walk of Shame.” Dean said, matter-of-factly. “And in that vein, Never Have I Ever had a Walk of Shame.”

You and Sam both took a drink. “Never Have I Ever faked an orgasm.” Sam said. You drank.

“Never Have I Ever masturbated to the thought of a friend.” You said. Both Winchesters drank.

“Never Have I Ever been a disgruntled bitch because I have no sex life.” Dean said, pointedly.

You glared at him, but didn’t drink. “Y/n, you know the rules. You gotta drink if you’ve done the thing.” Sam chided with a smile.

“I am not a disgruntled bitch because I don’t have a sex life.” You bit out.

“No? Then why are you?” Dean asked, cockily. You stayed silent, but you refused to drink. “No, seriously. When’s the last time you got laid? Better yet, when’s the last time you had an orgasm that wasn’t aided by batteries?”

You didn’t respond, so Sam scoffed. “Never Have I Ever gone more than six months without achieving orgasm through sex.”

You rolled your eyes and took a drink. “Never Have I Ever wanted to be done with a game as much as I want to be done with this one.”

“Never Have I Ever gone more than a year without achieving orgasm through sex.” Dean said. Obviously they weren’t going to be letting this go. You drank.

Sam and Dean shared a look, speaking almost telepathically, before Sam said, “Never Have I Ever gone more than… five years without achieving orgasm through sex.” You drank, rolling your eyes. Sam’s eyes went wide. “Have you ever cum?”

You downed the rest of your beer and tossed the bottle to the side. “I think the game’s done. You boys know far more about me than you did when you walked in the room, so… good night.” You reached over and picked up the whiskey, but Dean grabbed the bottle.

“This is a problem, y/n. Who in the world can go that long without-”

“I have never had a guy that could or cared to… seriously, why does it matter?” You grabbed your bottle back and took a drink.

The Winchesters both looked at you a bit like you’d lost your mind. “Because you’re hot, you’re badass, and every woman deserves someone who can make their toes curl.” Dean answered.

“Let me guess, you’re about to volunteer.” You snarked before you took a drink of whiskey.

“Damn straight.” Sam said.

“But we’re not gonna fuck you.” Dean grabbed your whiskey again and set it back on the side table. “If you’ll let us, y/n, we’re gonna worship you.”

Your jaw dropped. That was an enticing offer. The Winchesters, as much as you’d tried to hate them, were very attractive men, offering to worship you, to make you cum. Punctuated with ‘If you’ll let us’. It was completely up to you.

Stupid drinking game. You knew it was a game you’d lose. Not that you really cared about losing anymore.

“How would you… ‘worship’ me?” You asked, a foreign breathy quality to your words.

They grinned, identical wolf-like smiles that made your breath catch. “Well, we’d start by kissing the oxygen out of your lungs.” Sam leaned forward, pressing his lips to yours. He wasn’t lying. He didn’t pull away until you had to breathe. Dean gave you just enough time to pull air into your body before he grabbed your head and pulled you to kiss him. Neither had even employed tongue, but by the time Dean pulled away, your body was flush with heat and between your legs was tingling.

“We’d help you out of your top.” Dean grabbed the front hem of your t-shirt and Sam grabbed the back, raising it over your head. Their eyes roamed down your body and they each ran their fingertips across the skin of your stomach. “We’d give you matching hickies, ‘cause neckin’ still feels awesome even if you aren’t sixteen.” Dean whispered, before attaching his mouth to your neck while Sam started to nibble at your shoulder.

“Fuck.” You whimpered, as Dean pulled away to examine his mark.

“My turn.” Sam almost growled, before moving from your shoulder to your neck.

“You look so fuckin’ strung out already, y/n. See, this is what happens when you don’t get some for fuckin’ years.” Dean leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours as Sam increased suction. This time, Dean pressed his tongue between your lips, which you opened eagerly. Your tongues pressed against each other, swirling around the space between your mouths. While you were preoccupied with Dean, Sam’s fingers unclasped your bra and started to slide the straps down your arms. “Then, we’d suck on these pretty tits.” Sam leaned down and ran his tongue across your right nipple. Dean pushed you backward to lay down and they both sucked a nipple into their mouths. You started to squirm against them, the tingling heat between your thighs demanding attention so you squeezed them together.

“And then one of us would keep lavishing your lips and tits with love and kisses, and the other…” Dean smirked, running his hand down your body to settle just over the button of your jeans. “...the other would take his tongue and try to lick your cervix.”

You let out a scoffing laugh. “Feel like Sam would be more suited to that job.”

Sam chuckled around your breast, giving a final lick to your nipple before pulling away and down your body. Your pants and panties were on the ground at your feet in no time, Sam between your legs, placing kisses up your thigh as his long fingers ran slowly up and down your slit. Dean’s hand went to massage the breast Sam abandoned, but his mouth moved up to your neck, leaving little biting kisses along the way to your mouth.

The younger Winchester slid a single finger inside of you, probably his middle finger but you couldn’t see because you were too busy with your hands buried in Dean’s hair, making out like his tongue was the cure for anything that ailed you. You moaned into Dean’s mouth as Sam added a second finger, pumping them quickly as his tongue started flicking across your clit. Dean pulled back, rolling your nipple between his fingertips and staring into your eyes. “You’re doin’ so good, y/n. You look like you’re about to explode, princess.” You nodded, barely able to think, let alone respond verbally. “I’m the lucky one. He gets to taste you, but I get to see your face when you cum.”

You clenched around Sam’s fingers at the words, which intensified the feeling of his thrusts and brought you right up to the edge of an oblivion you’d only been able to reach on your own. Sam’s lips sealing around your little bundle of nerves sent you screaming into the abyss. Dean kissed you as you came down from the high and when you sat up, panting and looked at them, there was amazement in your eyes. “How you feelin’?” Sam asked, dropping onto the bed next to you.

You opened your mouth slightly, but no words came out. Dean chuckled. “For once in her life she doesn’t have some snarky bullshit response.”

You shook your head, laughing. “I’m just thinking… Never Have I Ever been fucked by two guys at once.” You laughed harder as they started to undress. Yes, this was a game you were happy to lose.

#cassie writes stuff #bamby's triple threat challenge #spn #spn fanfic #reader-insert #dean/reader/sam #no wincest

329 notes · View notes