#bc there's this one spot in the house where the shades always look sad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cadiacore · 2 years

Text

.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡ night sky | ruhn danaan x fem!reader

warning(s): insecurities, bad parents, fluff, angst, anxiety, depression, mention of alcohol, and I think that’s it! If you find anymore please let me know!

a/n: I was super depressed earlier today so I sat down, listened to Matilda by Harry Styles on repeat, and wrote this. I’m pretty sure this helped me get out of a writing slump so thanks to Ruhn (bringing me comfort) and Harry Styles (for also bringing me comfort). Also a shoutout to my depression bc this would not exist if I wasn’t so down. on to the fic!

wc: 1.8k

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Nothing she did was good enough. She tried and tried to be like her older sister. The very picture of clever, beautiful, and badass. Y/N sat on her bed and looked out into the night sky. If only she was as smart and clever as Fury, maybe then her family would accept her.

She needed to get out of this house, away from everyone. Y/N threw on pastel pink jeans and a black crop top along with matching boots. She threw up her hair and applied minimal mascara. Y/N was certainly not going out in public without some type of armor.

Once she was ready, she jogged down the stairs and out the door. Y/N didn’t bother telling her family where she was going. Like they would care anyway.

Y/N shoved her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and strode down the long road that led toward the Istros. She would always go there to clear her head and was never bothered. That is until she saw a male sitting in the exact spot she usually does on the bench. Her mind raced as she recognized who the male was.

Ruhn Danaan. The Prince.

She sucked in a breath and turned around. If this spot was safe for him too, she didn’t want to bother him. Y/N didn’t want to bother anyone. She just needed to sit somewhere and cry. She definitely was not going to do it in front of the Prince himself.

He must have sensed her because he turned and saw her just as she was about to walk away. Her throat bobbed and he looked at her with the same kind of sadness or maybe it was something different. Y/N didn’t know.

“You gonna come sit?” he asked,

“Oh, I don’t want to bother you. I’ll be okay,” she said a shade quietly. Ruhn knitted his brows together,

“You’re no bother, Y/N.”

How did he know her name? He must have gotten it from Fury or Juniper. She walked slowly to the bench he was sitting on and sat beside him.

“How did you know my name?” she asked, watching across the water. Y/N pulled her knees to her chest and watched as otters darted back and forth in the water. Two of them played and splashed each other,

“You look a lot like Fury, so I assumed you were her younger sister,” he said. Another pang of hurt struck her heart once more. Of course, he would only know of her because of who she was related to. Not for the things she did in the Aux.

“Yeah,” It’s all that would come out or that she would let out. Ruhn watched her, more like assessed her.

“Do you and your sister not get along?” he asked, “You don’t have to tell me of course, I just get the impression…”

“I love her and I know she loves me. I’m just in a foul mood, that’s all,” she said, picking at the loose strings in her ripped jeans. Ruhn twirled one of the rings on his fingers and watched one of the otters tackle another. He let out a chuckle and a smile.

Y/N couldn’t get over how beautiful this male was. He is much older than her but she can’t help admiring him. He’s done so much good but yet he’s alone. Here. With her.

“Are you in a foul mood as well?” she asked the Prince. He turned and faced her,

“You can say that,” he said with a flicker of that sadness she saw earlier. She was about to ask if he wanted to talk about it but Y/N knew he wouldn’t want to tell someone that he–the Prince–was hurting, but she asked anyway,

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Ruhn looked at her and hesitated but a smile appeared. Not a big one but it was there, “Being a prince is not as glamorous as everyone thinks. Especially with the father who doesn’t seem to care if you live or die.” Y/N knew some of what he felt. She felt it too with her parents. They didn’t care about what she was doing in the Aux, all they saw was that she wasn’t like her sister. Becoming a known name to all of Lunathion.

“I understand, I mean not in being a prince but the parent not caring part,” she said. He looked at her and tilted his head,

“I’ve heard Fury talk about that,” he paused, “She said they are always hard on you about certain things. Fury said she always assumed it was just about little things. It’s not is it?” he asked.

Y/N shook her head and looked back to the water, “I’m not good enough for them anymore. They hardly talk to me anymore. If they do, it's them asking me to do something for them.” she said. Ruhn frowned. “It’s whatever though. That’s why I come here, to get away from the heavy silence.”

The prince watched her closely and then he stood, “Come on, I want you to meet some of my friends. I think you’ll like them.” he said,

“Oh, uh,” she stuttered,

“We both need some cheering up, they just so happen to be very good at bringing smiles to people’s faces.”

Y/N hesitated but then took his hand, “Alright,” she said.

–back at the house–

They stood outside of his house, it wasn’t anything fancy or glamorous, but it fit him somehow. When Ruhn went to turn the handle, another male opened it. Giant grey wings and a white sunball cap. Y/N immediately knew who he was. Hunt Athalar. That must mean Bryce was there. It was too late to back out now, Y/N thought to herself.

Hunt looked at her and smiled gently like he somehow knew something was off. He stepped to the side and Ruhn motioned for her to go in first, “Ladies first,” he had said. So, Y/N stepped inside and let out a soft sigh of relief. The tension in her shoulders relaxed, and the warmth felt welcoming.

Bryce chose that exact moment to wrap her arms around Y/N. It jarred her a bit because she hadn’t been hugged in so long, so she forgot the feel of it, the warmth it brought to her chest. She wrapped her arms around the redhead and smiled. Y/N wanted to cry. She really had needed this. To be around other people rather than just her parents. She sucked in that urge though and pulled away from Bryce,

“I haven’t seen you in so long! How are you?” The princess asked,

How could Y/N even reply to that? She didn’t want to lie but she didn’t want to tell the truth either so she settled for a half-truth, “I’m doing alright. How are you?”

Before Bryce could answer, Y/N heard a loud crash in the background and then the sigh from Ruhn, “I better go check what those two idiots broke. I’ll be right back.” he said as he walked out of the room, leaving Y/N with the angel and the princess.

“I’m doing well,” Bryce finally answered, then she added, “Where have you been?” A hint of worry laced Bryce’s words. Hunt leaned against the wall and watched the two of them as they sat at the bar,

“Been really busy lately, I suppose,” Y/N said. Another half-truth. She had been drowning herself in work but also keeping away from others. She didn’t want anyone to see how bad she had gotten, especially Fury and Juniper.

Bryce titled her head and narrowed her eyes, “You’ve been isolating.” she said flatly. Y/N didn’t meet the Starborn’s eyes which she knew would give away the truth.

“Why?” Hunt asked softly. Y/N pushed a few loose strands of her hair behind her ear and looked at the angel,

“I don’t know,” Lie, “Just haven’t wanted to see anyone lately…” Ruhn, Urd bless him, came back in and nudged his head toward the living room, or what looked like it,

“Come meet Flynn and Declan,” he said,

Y/N got up from the stool and followed him into the room. There were several beer bottles and pizza boxes on what was supposed to be the coffee table she guessed. Two males sat on the couch and they both looked back at her. There were also three fire sprites that circled one of the males head,

“That is Flynn,” Ruhn said as he pointed to the one with chestnut hair and the fire sprites, then to the male with the laptop in his lap, “That is Declan,” Both of the males smiled at her and she smiled back,

“Flynn, Declan, this is Y/N Axtar,” the Prince said. Y/N pulled her sleeves over her palms, feeling the need to hide. It was always her habit to let someone else be the center of others’ attention, never herself.

All three of the males noticed but they didn’t say anything. It was then that Flynn finally cracked the silence, “How did you find Ruhn? He wouldn’t answer any of our calls,” Flynn turned towards the Prince and squinted, “Asshole.” Ruhn only smiled.

Y/N smiled and chuckled softly, “We just happen to be at the same place, at the same time.” she said. The three sprites that had been circling the Lord’s head surged toward her,

“You’re beautiful! Can you please stay?” they all asked at once.

“I can stay for a while only if they don’t mind,” Y/N said, looking over at Ruhn and then to the other two males,

“She can stay,” Declan said without so much as a glance at the other two. Ruhn and Flynn nodded in agreement. The sprites cheered and tugged her into what seemed like Ruhn’s spot on the couch. The Prince sat on the arm of the couch and watched the sprites chatter away to their newfound friend.

Ruhn looked over to Bryce and Hunt as they sat in the chair just a bit far off to the left of the couch. Bryce, was of course sitting on the angel’s lap, watching the girl,

Don’t scare her away.

Bryce looked to her brother and flipped him off,

I met her first, asshole.

Ruhn snorted and rolled his eyes,

Keep calling me an asshole and I’ll tell her about Jelly Jubliee…

Bryce gaped,

Don’t you dare!

Ruhn turned back into the conversation between Y/N and the sprites right at the part where she told them she was the sister of an assassin. They stared at her in awe and at that moment Ruhn knew that he was in danger. Not physically but something tugged at his ribs every time he looked at her.

He knew what it was, but didn’t dare to think of it. That would only put her in danger. He couldn’t risk that.

—

There will be a part two 🥰

#ruhn danaan x reader #ruhn danaan #crescent city #crescent city hosab #ruhn danaan x fem!reader #fluff #angst #cc1 #cc2 #hosab

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uhhhhyandere · 4 years

Note

👉👈 more yandere dimitri pls,,, that last one you wrote,,,, WHEW

haha idk where this was going or like... what the plot is or even what it’s about... but i had fun HAHAHA and literally all that matters

so here’s 8k words of purple prose and pointlessness and idk what else i love him so much... also not proofread bc I'm lazy. y’all stan a lazy ass author.

warnings: gory, death of minor characters, kinda bloody too, injury, manipulation

”It’s stupid. I-I don’t think… I just don’t want to get my hopes up, Annie. It’s been years…” With Garreg Mach looming on the cliffside, memories began to resurface with each field and decrepit village you, Annette, and Mercedes passed. They were fields where you would train relentlessly in the early hours of the day. An excuse, you think, to see him more. Innocent enough. Who wouldn’t want to improve their skill with the future King of Faerghus? Under those very trees is where you would have clandestine meetings at the same time beginning after the celebration of your victory at the Battle of the Eagle and Lion. Undeniably, the best night of your life.

You silently thanked Sylvain for slipping into the wine cellars and claiming you all had to finish the stolen bottles and clear the evidence. The only people still okay enough that night to do any cleaning were Mercedes and Dedue. Felix was technically okay too, but he left far before Annette was vomiting in the washroom to actually help out.

Your drunken first kiss at your bedroom door that Dedue definitely did not see. The sober one the day after. The sneaky one after breakfast. Quick one after training. Goddess, the heavy one in the dead of night after you scurried upstairs that Sylvain and Felix one hundred percent did not overhear through the paper-thin walls of the dorms. Countless kisses under the shadow of covers, night, until the ball. If everyone and their mothers didn’t suspect something was up when you two did not even realize you were the only pair left dancing, all eyes on you, until Sylvain whistled from the crowd, well, you would be deathly concerned about them.

“But those memories are from a long time ago, Mercie.” You pulled yourself from your thoughts. “Thinking about them only hurts. This place, what’s left of it, only hurts.” Mercedes set a gentle hand on your shoulder. “You think after five whole years, it wouldn’t hurt as much, but I don’t think I’ll be okay until this war is over. Until the cause of this - of all this pain and misery - is put to rest. Back then, even if we could have died at the end of any month, I thought he was invincible. I fled Fhirdiad as soon as I heard. Like a coward.”

“You can’t honestly think that! The Empire was taking the city. If you stayed, you could have died too! Don’t think like that.” You rolled your head back to look at the dark sky. You would make it back before it starts, at the very least.

“Everyone grieves in different ways, and it courses through us all at different paces. You have to let yourself hurt.” You shook your head, beginning to see the shadow of the village at the base of the monastery.

“I’ve been hurting for years now. When I met up with Felix in Fraldarius territory, he told me that the distraction will get me killed. An hour later he saved my life in battle, so he's ever the same. I wonder if he decided to show today. Sylvain would inevitably follow then. I’ve always thought--hey, do you hear that?” You stopped your movements suddenly, holding your arms to stop them as well. FIghting.

“Is it the Empire?”

“I don’t know, but we should help out anyway,” Annette replied. “Come on!”

You expected the Empire, but you weren’t surprised when you encountered thieves attempting to saunter off with the abandoned riches of the monastery. It was just like any other weekend you were off the road of bandits with the Blue Lions to clear a path for bandits.

Until you saw him. A ghost. As pale as one, at least. A hulking, nearly unrecognizable mass of strength shrouded in black and blue. Relentless, he tore through his path of thieves, the professor and Gilbert hot on his trail. The… professor? They were alive too? Your hand shook at your side. They’re both… okay? You swallowed. The professor always did tend to micromanage Dimitri. You realized you could not swallow with a closing throat, wobbling along with your chest. Wheezing, crying, freezing in battle. You heard Mercedes and Annette all around you behind a wall of fog. Legs shaking, you fell to the ground, hand tight to your chest.

“Y/N, come on, get up!” It was Annette’s urging, but she stopped suddenly. Two sets of feet set up around you. A barrier to protect you as your muscles shook. Get up. You have to. Get off the ground and fight. Just as he always taught you.

Your bow came out quick, sniping an enemy in Mercedes’ blind spot. Before you can do anything, argue it was your imagination that conjured the sound of his grunts and the blue of his eye, you had to survive to see them and keep track of Sylvain in the corner of your eye. He still tended to always look right instead of left. Were you not so shaken up, you would have reacted to seeing the rest of your old house in battle, but your mind kept filtering back. You did not see him again in battle. He and the professor were far ahead, after the familiar bandit you had dealings with from Anna, with the remaining three bandits. You, Annette, and Mercedes went to secure the area to make sure there was no bandit unaccounted for.

Didn’t last, though, as you fell to the ground against the foundations of a destroyed house, legs outstretched and limp. With your palm being held tightly over your mouth, you squeezed your eyes tight to get any remaining liquid out.

“Y/N…”

“H-he’s alive.”

“We know. We saw-”

“He’s alive. I spent five years grieving for someone who was here. I-I should have known he was here. I thought about it. I thought about it, but then I second-guessed myself and said that it would only hurt more. Searching for the dead. Pining for them, but look. I-I don’t know. I don’t know if I can even face him.”

“And you don’t want to.” Felix’s voice was just as sharp as it always was. He was grimacing, pace fast as he joined the three of you. “He is not the Prince you fell in love with. He’s the boar that’s been festering underneath his polite smile” With an exhale through your nose, you looked away. Felix really could read you like a book. He scoffed. “You knew too, didn’t you? All this time. Of course. I shouldn’t have put it past you to push things under the rug as you always do.”

“Felix…”

“It’s true. It’s how they even got through the relationship. Not as perfect as you thought, huh?”

“Felix, I think that’s enough.”

“No,” you interrupted. “He’s right. I knew. I was at the rebellion. I was at that battle that is ingrained into Felix’s memory. I was in the Holy Mausoleum when we found out the Flame Emperor's identity, but he never told me… I didn’t know the extent. You all knew he would hide me from all harm, including himself. Do you really think he would tell me whatever plagues him now? Though, I could take a good guess after spending a few nights in his room back then.” You swallowed, wiping away the remnants of your tears. “How bad is he?”

“A lowly beast.”

“There you all are. Professor says to regroup. Says we have plans to discuss, if you all are interested - woah, you okay?” Sylvain scratched the back of his head. “Oh right, yeah. Well, I don’t know how long His Majesty is willing to wait. He looks pretty - uh - impatient.” You shook your head and used the wall to support you back to your feet.

“Reunions like this are usually supposed to be happy, aren’t they? I-I’m sorry I’m ruining it on you all. I really am so relieved to see you all okay. It’s just… there’s a lot of emotion going on right now.” It was Mercedes’ hand on your back. You needn’t look to know.

“You don’t have to face anything you aren’t ready for.”

“No, I need to see what he has become. It’s as Felix says. I can no longer ignore problems I must face. I can do it, but we still have to check the perimeter…” Sylvain shook his head.

“Teach had Ashe and Ingrid do it right after you left.” Your professor always knew you better than you could ever know. “Well, let’s go then. Don’t want to keep them waiting on us too long.” His brown eyes came in close. “You hardly look like you’ve been crying, if that helps.”

“It doesn’t!” Annette stomped on his foot. “Y/N, it’s going to be okay. Me and Mercie are right with you!” A smile broke out on your face. Albeit sad, you nodded your head and believed her. Though you both knew, in the scheme of things, you were alone in this battle.

“Sorry, teach. You know Felix. Walks like a grandpa.” Sylvain, as common as it is for him to be the asshole, was a kind soul. No matter how much he tried to hide it. You gifted him a small smile of thanks as he glanced back. You were in the back of the small group when you joined the semicircle surrounding Gilbert, Byleth and… and… you couldn’t do this.

His hair has grown long and unkempt. Grease and grime painted his hair, his skin, his clothes. The armor he wore just a few shades darker than the circles under his single remaining eye but, oh, it still glittered brighter than the rainy sky. That was his eye. Though only one remained, it was his. This was your Dimitri. You clenched your teeth, for you could not cry anymore. Even if this Dimitri, from what you have heard, would not care for your tears, Dimitri five years ago would. You would stay strong for him if no one else.

And when his eye met yours, goddess, the jolt was felt down your spine. You knew your face screamed your emotions. You were no Felix, Slyvain, or Byleth. Lips parting, your breath halted as he kept your gaze. Nothing on him reacted. Goddess, his gaze was so much more piercing. You did not dare to move. As if you were a stranger, his eye flicked back to Gilbert as the knight continued to speak. Annette grabbed your hand from beside you and you squeezed so hard you watched her wince, yet she remained steadfast in holding yours just as tight.

For the mornings spent under the trees in the field after training, you would not cry. Dimitri is alive. He is here. A few steps away, though miles remained in between, he was alive. Within his dead eye, people will find hope. You will find hope. You know Gilbert already has as he speaks about returning to the monastery to begin to plan for the retaliation against the Empire. You know the former Blue Lions have as well, as they follow the professor loyally back up the ruined stairs you used to trip on far too often. You wondered if Dimitri can feel your eyes on the back of his head, or if he has come to be numb to that as well.

Annette did not let go of your hand until it was out of shock in the chapel. Its remnants littering the floors. Still, the peace of the goddess remained. Its silence was a lullaby to your worries. She, it had to be her, brought back the ones you love most. There was no other power. There couldn’t have been. Even though there was a hole where she used to stand, you thanked the rain beginning to pour in.

You would be strong for the boy Dedue would sneak you to in the dead of night. To wherever the Duscur man maybe, you would do it for him, too.

But being brave and strong was always easy for the people in Ashe’s books. They did not hesitate through their fear. It pushed them to be the heroes they are, but you could not find that platform to jump from. A mouse approaching a wolf, a boar. You sought help from the expert himself.

“Have you? I mean, have you tried to talk to him?” Ashe fiddled with the padding on his glove.

“No, not yet. Felix, Ingrid, Sylvain, and Mercedes have, though. You should ask them. They can probably be more help than me.” Stepping onto the wall separating Garreg Mach from the cliff, you sat next to him, allowing your feet to dangle in the open air.

“No, I think I need someone as scared as me. Someone who wants to be a knight from one of your books, but is the measly coward in the back used for poetic comparisons. Not that you are. I’m talking about me.” Ashe shook his head.

“It’s only been a few days since we’ve arrived.”

“And you think I would have already sought out the man I fell in love with already? A faithful reunion. Not quite like the ones in the romances.”

“I don’t think anything going on is anything like a book.” You furrowed your brows. “I know that’s crazy coming from me, but no book is like another. They have similarities, but they are all inherently different. This one we’re in now, this is ours. This is what people will be reading about and looking to for help. Us. No book can help us right now. I think only we can help ourselves and each other.” You kicked your heel against the wall repeatedly. It wasn’t what you wanted to hear. “You should try. If Dimitri will listen to anyone, it’s you or the professor, and they tried already.” You could feel your throat beginning to close up.

“What do I even say? What if I say the wrong thing? He’s hurt, Ashe. He always has been. I don’t want to… I can’t push him more. He’s not off the deep end yet. He can’t be. I don’t want to be the final straw. I know what I’ll say if I get too… emotional.” The man sighed, green eyes scanning the clouds.

“Well, from my humble opinion, which you don’t have to take, is that, if what you’re saying is true, you’re hurting him by avoiding him.” He stopped fiddling with the leather. Instead, he placed his hand on your thigh. “He is, deep down, the same Dimitri we know. What if he was the same, and you were doing this?”

“That’s debating if he is the same underneath. Knights are torn, but I know he’s there. He wouldn’t so easily feed into it. I know it. It may be time and so much help, but he’s in there. This is part of him. This is not an imposter. This is just as much of him as the one we knew so well. It… has to be, because I don’t know what I’m going to do if it’s not.”

Nights seem to be falling earlier and earlier with nonstop cleaning, repairs, and supply running. Even if you wanted to, you lacked the time to seek the prince out. The greenhouse had to be fixed. The rubble had to be cleared. The holes had to be patched. Communication had to be made. Word was the Knights of Seiros would be arriving this evening. Preparations had to be made for that. How the hell did Cyril do this day-in and day-out?

You were exhausted by the time Seteth and company arrived and set to meet in the chapel. The second time you’ve seen Dimitri since the bandits. The millionth time war efforts were to be discussed. Most of that work was carried out by Byleth and Gilbert. You only needed to follow orders, and your orders were to clean. Sorting out your emotions was just a side job.

“Y/N. Y/N. Are you listening?” Seteth’s scolding, something etched into your brain from the academy, broke you from your thoughts. However, you first regarded Dimitri, who looked at you the same as he did the first time, before having the courage to look at Seteth.

“I-I’m sorry. Lost in my own thoughts.”

“I asked if you have heard anything from Aegir? I know you were in contact with Ferdinand during the past five years.” Dimitri’s eye burned holes through your head. You could feel the sweat from it on your scalp.

“Duke Aegir has been placed under house arrest, sir. Everything from their title and land has been stripped from them. I… haven’t heard anything since. It would be safe to presume that they will not be an in with the Empire.” Yours and Ferdinand’s history stretches only back to the academy; however, before you and Dimitri became official, you and he would occasionally… work some stress out. Casually. Dimitri always hated this fact, but he did his best to hide the jealousy from you.

“It’s not fair of me to judge you on what you have done in the past,” he said. “I will be more mature about my feelings.” Though the gleam in his eye now was all too familiar.

“I see. Thank you.” Something within you kept you from meeting Dimitri’s eye. A fear he would look away, so you focused on Seteth, Gilbert, and Byleth as they discussed the steps to making Garreg Mach the Kingdom’ base. When the meeting ended, however, you did not listen to such fear. Dimitri spent his time in the chapel. The spectacle to gawk at. It was no surprise when he did not move as the rest of the group disperse, and neither did you.

But he would not break first. Turning around, his cape followed him back towards the wreckage of where the altar used to be. You followed with steps as silent as possible. Opening your mouth to speak, you released only empty air. Inhaling, you tried once again, but a wall erected itself in your throat, cutting you off once more.

“If you have something to say, speak.” His words, guttural, reverberated in you. Wringing your hands together, you took one last deep breath.

“Dimitri.”

“Do you wish to speak of the past?” His head turned, so you could only see one eye peeking from under his bangs. “The boy you loved is long dead. There is nothing here for you.” You shook your head and took an adamant step forward.

“T-that’s not true.” A dry laugh escaped him.

“Is it not? Are you not frightened of me? Is it not why you have hidden yourself ever since you arrived? You know it as well as I.” You tapped your fingers against your thigh. You had to remain calm and patient. He was going to try to push you away, and you knew that. Do not stray from the path.

“It was not you I was scared of, Dimitri.” Another laugh. This one wry. He turned around to face you then. You knew he had gotten bigger, stronger, but he stood so much higher than you. A power stance you would not succumb to. This is the same boy who broke a pair of scissors and was scared Mercedes would yell at him and smuggled sweets for you two to have late at night to study for your certification exams. “Do not tell me it is because you think you could have changed something. Prevented something. Nothing would have changed whether you were here in the past five years or not. Do not think so much of yourself.”

You squared your shoulders. You did not want to take this route, but you had to provoke some type of emotion towards you. Something to tell you that you are more than the tool of war to use against Edelgard, and he had already given you a hint.

“Then what about at that meeting, when Seteth asked me about Ferdinand? I saw the look you gave me. I’ve seen it before too. You cannot hide that.” His jaw clenched, and for a moment, you felt successful. “You can say anything you want. How I am insignificant, a tool to use, another body to die in your path to revenge, but do not-” you pointed a finger at him “-tell me what we had was nothing. I want to see what you see. I don’t want you to shut me out.” His eyes trailed down to your finger, and with an armored, gloved hand, pushed it aside.

“So you admit it then? A tool at my disposal. To use and then break?” You shook your head, and your throat clenched once again.

“You would add me to the list of people who already haunt you?”

“You know nothing of the dead. Of what they say to me. There is nothing for me to be concerned about other than taking the head off of that girl’s shoulders. Should you die getting in my way, then so be it.” His lance to the heart, but you would not let the pain show. He was the same boy who broke his training lance and hit Leonie with the broken handle and fretted about it for the next month, despite the blood on his hands. You had to believe that. Latch on to that single hope.

“You always did what you could to protect me. From Demonic Beasts, bandits, Felix’s words, but right now, I think you’re protecting me from yourself.” Metal against your neck. In a blink of an eye, his lance touches the skin.

“Do not speak as if you know me, and do not speak anymore, or else I will slice your throat where you stand. Go away. If you return, I will not hold back, and I will use you to the bone.” A competition played out between your eyes, but, in the end, you succeeded. Walking out the monastery with a drop of blood on your neck, you did not allow any other droplets to fall until you crossed the bridge into the reception hall.

You don’t who you cried for, or for how long until Catherine found you and guided you back to your room. Thoughts floated from Dimitri, his words, the past, to Dedue and his untimely passing and your peers that were now your enemies that Dimitri was ready to kill without hesitation and the reality of your death that could come in any battle here on forth.

Three knocks on your door. Too hard to be Ashe’s, Mercedes’, or Annette. Not hard enough to be Felix yelling at you to train like he used to when he could find no one else.

“Sorry. I was just passing by, and, well, wanted to check in.” The last thing you wanted Sylvain saying was that he heard your balling your eyes out. With shaky hands, you wiped your burning cheeks and unlocked the door for him to enter. “Oh, what happened? What’s that bandage from? Don’t tell me…” You motioned for the noble to come in and relocked the door. You didn’t want any more visitors.

“Yeah, I talked to him.”

“He hurt you?”

“I went too far. I-I shouldn’t have pushed him so deep into his emotions, presuming things he felt. It was just a scratch. I’m fine. You have the eye, Sylvain. You must have noticed the meeting.” You sat on your bed, while he spread himself on your desk chair.

“I remember he used to come to me during those times. How he can show his love for you through other means. How he had lost you before even had a chance to try. He was so stressed, and so hopelessly into you. I thought he had it for the professor, but color me surprised when he sought me out for advice on you.” You shook your head.

“Never should have started that with Ferdinand.”

“Something about nobles, huh?”

“Shut up, Sylvain. I-Look, I can’t even focus on the past right now. I use it to remind myself I’m talking to my Dimitri, and not the monster everyone fears. That, that man suffering alone in that chapel is the boy who got nervous every time we kissed, but… but it’s so hard. As soon as I saw him that day, I was shocked, overjoyed, but I knew something was wrong the same minute. He’s been alone for five years. By himself. The only people to talk to him were the dead. What kind of… I’m supposed to be the one that knows this, sees this, and helps this, but all I can do is cry in my damned room!” Sylvain was lighting fast to wrap his arms around you, and you clung on tighter to his shoulders. The sleeve of his shirt, the victim of your tears, saliva, and sobs until you had pushed your own self out of consciousness.

When you woke the next morning, your head lied on a breathing pillow. It did not take much to recall the previous night and you let yourself relax under human contact. It was something you have missed dearly in the past five years, and you know, despite his reputation, Sylvain would never try anything with you. Your eyes, heavy still from crying so hard, lazily trailed across the room. The window Dimitri almost broke with his lance, the desk you both hunched over figuring out the mathematical side of tactics, the potted plant the professor gave you for your birthday that Dimitri also broke, but replaced with the long dead ones present. The broken locks on your door from -

“Sylvain!” You jolted up, slapping his chest harshly. He woke with a groan while you stood and approached the door.

“Mm, what?”

“Did you hear anything last night? Banging, or snapping, after I fell asleep?” He rubbed your pillow over his face, so you approached him, tore it from his hands, and smacked him. “Sylvain. My door is broken.” Brown eyes were wide and glowing under the sun from the window. He rushed to check out the damage. “I think I know who would have…” He met your eyes. “Which means he saw - “

“Yeah, I get it. I’m a dead man.” You shook your head.

“Hey, hey, not yet. We could try to guess why he would come in here.” Sylvain rolled his eyes.

“Isn’t it obvious? It isn’t to kill you. He already would have been in the chapel. Oh - we messed up. We messed up big time. I’m so sorry, Y/N.” You put your hand on his arm.

“It’s not your fault. You were here when I was sobbing. I can’t be mad at you for that. I’m mad at this whole situation. This war. Everything. You just need to avoid him at all costs. Stay with someone. Felix most likely. We could explain the situation to him, so he understands, and so he doesn’t think we… you know.”

“I get it. I get it.”

....

“Absolutely not.”

“Felix, it’s only until I get this sorted.” Felix groaned, tying his hair back.

“I’m not playing babysitter, and I’m not letting you handle this on your own. You’ll get yourself killed.” You shook your head.

“He wouldn’t kill me.”

“He actually told you he would.”

“But he wouldn’t. I trust that he wouldn’t, and if one of the two of us were to approach him, it could not be you. Out of the question. It would have to be me, and you both know that, and it has to be as soon as possible. I mean, as in-”

“Have you all seen Dimitri?” Ingrid popped around the corner. “It’s the Empire - they’re coming. Gear up and get ready. We don’t know what forces they’re bringing, but we cannot allow them to take the monastery again.” Of course, of all times.

“We’ll worry about this later. Do not let this distract you on the battlefield. Focus on surviving and nothing else. Got it?” Felix held a finger to your face. You nodded. “Good. Come on, Sylvain. We’ll see you out there.”

Focus on surviving. You were always focused on surviving. Battle was not merely just slaying your enemies. You were the priority. Not the oncoming enemies. That fact never changed during battle. That was the first thing the professor taught you; however, his selfless behavior on the battlefield would have anyone thinking twice. When it comes to fighting with people you cared about, priority gets muddled.

Dimitri was no longer focused on surviving. His priority was to kill, slaughter his way to Edelgard. Nothing else mattered. In this way, his fighting has improved tenfold. No reasonable person would want to confront him in physical combat, which made life harder for everybody else. Being a distance fighter, you, Ashe, Annette, and Mercedes were able to watch his back. Of course, Byleth couldn’t risk that many people micromanaging him. For strategy’s sake, it’s suicide. Mercedes was a critical healer and menace being trained a gremory. That source of power would not and could not be squandered. Ashe had worked incredibly hard to be a bow knight, and your most powerful archer can also not be used as a protector of one person.

The job usually came down to you. Both by order of elimination and by your lack of ability to focus elsewhere. Your eyes were naturally drawn to the splattering blood and the behemoth of a man as the source. Byleth knew this just as well as you. You were the definition of predictable on the battlefield.

But, the one thing you forgot was that, on a battlefield, nothing is predictable. To be able to predict the cavalier was able to reach you with his javelin was precautionary, week-one lessons, but, still, it sunk into your side. Unimaginable pain. The raw snap of impact. Warm blood cascading down your leg. Think… think! You had to get somewhere safe. Somewhere an imperial soldier wouldn’t finish you off. Hopefully, someone else would take care of that soldier before they reached you.

Each inch was crippling. The gathering of bushes and trees seemed so far, and your energy was slipping exponentially fast. You’d be out from blood loss in due time. It even began to drip from your mouth and onto the already stained grass. Almost there. The moment your foot crossed the threshold to the hideaway, you went lip on your back. Smoke and flames met the already decaying sky.

You glanced down your body. The javelin was at least a third in your body. Getting it out would just expedite the process, so you allowed yourself to lie your head back. Distant shouts and screams and metal clashing filled the air. The smell of the earth around you drowned out by the putrid scent of burning flesh. Something you never take note of while fighting for your life.

Peace was not a word to use in these places, but you had no other one to use as you lied still. Is this what Dimitri meant? You wondered what he would think and say when he heard, or even saw, your death. Your death. Another nameless, pointless death in Edelgard’s ruthless path to her goal. You can see Mercedes and Annie crying. Maybe even Sylvain and Ingrid. Felix, perhaps, would cry, but you were sure he’d be pissed at you. And Dimitri…

You sobbed. Perhaps you really were worthless, but you wanted to hope, to pray that he would be there each time you opened your eyes back to the gruel world around you. Each time, he wasn’t.

Until he was.

Blood dripped down his face, none of which was his own. It matted down his locks and dripped from each lock. Areadbhar glowed in his hand and dragged across the flattened grass and mud. The air was only able to jostle the very ends of his hair. His mouth opened, canines peeking from the corner of his lips. Leaving the smoke and fire behind him, Dimitri got larger and larger.

Goddess, he was beautiful. Even as he stared with an empty eye down at you, you couldn’t help but gasp. An angel of death. You moved to rise, but the rip of his lance on your breast pushed you back down. His eye traversed down your figure to your wound. The weapon rose and fell with your breath.

“Dimitri,” you breathed out.

“I told you, did I not?” His chin rose and Areadbhar’s tip dug just a hair deeper. “Foolish Y/N. You are too weak for the thick of battle.” You squeezed your eyes shut. “But you will not die by imperial hands. I will not allow it. If you are to die, it will be by my hands.” Your fists gripped the grass. Dimitri hummed. “You won’t say that I wouldn’t? Or do you finally realize the truth?”

“If you’re going to do it, just do it. Neither of us need this “ -you coughed -”stalling.” His elbow retracted and you winced, ready for the final blow.

“Y/N!” Sylvain. At the silence that followed, you peeked an eye open. Dimitri was focused on the source of the voice, giving you room to squiggle away until he forced the lance forward again. This time, the tip traced your left cheekbone. “Y/N!” Dimitri was daring you to speak, but, right now, you could hardly breath.

“You said you were not scared of me, before. Are you scared now?” He paused. “You said you want to see what I see. Do you keep your word? Do you honor it?” Were you supposed to answer? Fear crippled your ability to formulate words. “You will not die yet.” Areadbhar’s glow now dominated your left visual field.

In a second, everything in that field went black, and you screamed.

…

“I watched you go down,” Felix said. “You were at the higher ground, where you usually are in the midst of battle. You might as well have painted a target on your back if I can see you from across the plain, you idiot. That javelin went into your side,” amber eyes locked onto the bandages covering your side, “but I watched nothing touch your eye.”

Thank the goddess for Manuela and Mercedes. Without an expertise in white magic, you would be long dead. By the same token, thank the goddess for Sylvain who found you bloody and passed out in the cover of the bushes and delivered you to them on horseback.

Your fingers traced the bandages that wrapped around your head and covered your left eye. Everything to your left periphery and everything not covered by your right eye was black. It didn’t throb, didn’t hurt anymore, because there were no more nerves to send that pain to your brain.

“What happened, Y/N?” Ingrid cut in. Her, Felix, and Annette stood around your bed in the medical bed. You shook your head.

“I… I don’t remember. The last thing I recall is crawling towards the cover. I don’t even know if I got there.”

“Liar.” Felix abruptly stood. “Stop defending that boar, and just say it.” Your mouth opened, but Ingrid cut him off.

“Felix, are you saying you think Dimitri took her eye?”

“I know it,” he snapped back. “I’m right, aren’t I, Y/N? Just say it. Say that beast took your eye while we were all distracted in battle.” Your eyes glanced to the others, unconsciously asking for help.

“Felix, you’re adding unnecessary stress. Come on. We should give them space. We’re lucky they’re not dead” Her hand locked onto Felix’s arm. He grimaced, glaring down at you while he shook himself from her grip.

“When will you ever start caring about yourself? There is more death than just physical.” He spit out before stomping out of the room. Ingrid sent you a sympathetic smile and followed her childhood friend out. Annette left soon as well under the excuse of giving you time to rest, but you could not rest. Dimitri’s face haunted you every time your working eye closed. Every throb was its own lance. Its own mark.

His mark.

You thought you were crazy the first time you reflected on why you and Dimitri’s eye total was the same as a normal human being. You thought you were insane for romanticizing it. It was terrifying. Inhumane. To you, at least, but to him, you knew, it was a mark of possession. That when people saw you, thought of you, it would always be connected to him, but it was also a threat. Not only to those who dare try to do you harm that isn’t him, but to you. I told you. This is what you get and will continue to get.

You waited until the sun set, until the priests and priestesses would no longer be in your room to cry, so your pathetic cries of anguish would be bouncing off the walls in peace. Curling in on yourself, you buried your chin between your arms and stared into the dark room. Waiting and watching, a large silhouette emerged from the darkest corner and approached. Cold claws of his armor wiped away the tears on one cheek while simultaneously breaking the skin. You could only barely make him out through the moonlight in the open window next to you. Dimitri circled the bed, looking down at you from the side before bending down and planting his lips on your cheek. His warm tongue wiped at the newfound beads of blood, and you hissed at the contact. He separated himself just enough to look at the bandages around your eye.

“I get it,” you said. “I get it.”

…

Luckily (as lucky as you can get during the situation), the damage cut clean through the nerves, so all ganglion cells and connections to the optic nerve were completely severed. No nerves. No signal to the brain. No pain. Still, it would be a while before the tissue repaired and scabbed over.

You didn’t know what to do with Dimitri, frankly. Part of you was terrified to even approach him. Another was equally as terrified, but this was out of what he would do if you were with someone else again. You were sure of the correlation between your broken door and your stolen eye. You wonder, then, what else he could have seen? Sparring with Felix or advice sessions with Ashe or… too many instances come to mind.

Byleth pushed you to train more with your periphery severely impacted, and, when the time to march came, confined you to Garreg Mach until you were proficient enough not to get yourself killed.

“Good,” was all Dimitri said on the matter. It wasn’t until your assault into the Empire that Byleth deemed you ready for actual battle. Up until then, you spent your time training. First, it was with the knights, until all of a sudden they no longer desired to raise arms with you. Something about the demon over your shoulder. You looked to Catherine, who glanced to the door, where a large shadow quickly disappeared. You inhaled sharply and pursued.

“No one is willing to train with me. Do you have something to do with it?”

“They can’t help you,” he responded. He quickly strode down familiar, overgrown paths down to the fields below until you both reached the same field he had trained with you in years ago. Dimitri spun around, raising his lance. “They don’t understand.” From your blindspot, he swung, and you barely dodged out of the way, feeling the very wind from the force. “Get up and arm yourself.” You quickly shuffled to your feet.

“Why? Aren’t you… don’t you plan to kill me, anyway?”

“Equip yourself. I will not have filthy empire hands decide your demise, and I won’t have you staying behind on your own.” You gave up on trying to read into him. “Now, fight.”

It was brutal. Unlike the helpful and cautious nature of his corrections and demands, you learned through mistakes. If your leg got slashed, you moved it the next time. If you were pushed and forced to one side, you adjusted your posture for the next time. Dimitri gave you no breaks, no time to tend to the cuts and bruises he gave you. There was hardly time to catch your breath before he was charging again, forcing your back against a nearby oak. He seemed to not be bothered or fatigued at any point.

It would not be the first time your back was pinned against this very tree. Dimitri growled, his weapon lodged into the wood right behind your ear. A moment passed where it was five years ago, hands tight on your hips and heavy breaths swallowed by one another. Now, he pulled his weapon back and went in for another strike.

“It’s dark. I think we need to go back.”

“You think they will not use the guise of darkness? That we will always fight when the sun is out? Arm yourself.”

You limped back to Garreg Mach. The only real guide you had, with Dimitri’s brutal pace, was his footstep imprints and the sound of him pressing on. By the time you reached the gate, you nearly collapsed with Dimitri far ahead. Thank the goddess Anna was around to get help. Byleth’s dark cape flew behind them as they rushed through the market. They rushed you, as fast as you could go on weak legs, to the same bed you were confined to with your eye. Manuela dropped the elixir in her hand as you and your entourage busted through her door.

“Goddess, what happened?! No matter. Get them inside.”

Felix was going to kill you.

But still, when you were able, you met Dimitri again in the same field. And again. And again. Until you were no longer on the verge of death each nightfall when you returned. Your former housemates did not hesitate to chastise you or even micromanage you, but, inevitably, they had to do their own work, and you set off. Felix gave you an innumerable amount of choice words before it seemed he gave up.

You were confident heading into the empire. No opponent you would face, close up or far, was Dimitri. They were far smaller, thinner, and weaker. You’d even say they seemed to have less physical intent to kill you compared to the blonde. You traded in your bandages to a white eyepatch similar to Dimitri’s except there was still padding for the raw skin underneath. Something that inevitably drew enemy forces towards you.

“Y/N?” Despite the cruel, ruthless nature of battle, Ferdinand’s voice held the same noble gentleness. Your eye, wide and wild, met his. Across a stretch of corpses, the redhead stood tall, long hair matted down in the wind. You swallowed. “Y/N!” He called again, eyes wide behind you. In a split second, you turned to see an armored knight’s axe impending down on you. The next, a lance impaling them that breezed from over your shoulder.

“You killed your own man.”

“He almost killed you.” You hurried to dislodge his weapon from the body.

“...Thank you,” you muttered, handing the lance back to him. Your eyes rose to behind his shoulder. “F-Ferdinand!” Your warning came too late. Dimitri’s blunt force knocked him to the ground. There was no warning, no room for words, before the sickening sound of death cracked in front of you. Again… and again… and again. You squeezed your eyes shut.

“Keep your eyes open. This? Was your fault.” Blood splattered onto his pale features, adding to the pattern already decorating his skin. “Let’s go. Stay by me.” Not that you usually didn’t. Still, your legs would not move. Not with the fresh corpse between the two of you. “What?” Dimitri hissed out. “Are you upset? He was just another body in our way... unless it was something more to you?” You shook your head, taking a hold of your bow tighter. “Good. Let’s go.” Dimitri did not bother to even look back, and you… you could not even look down, and hurried to follow.

You didn’t sleep for days. Ferdinand’s kind smile on your mind. You did not dare tell anyone of his gruesome demise. Though, looking at the detail, the monstrous nature of it, it didn’t take too much thought to guess who was responsible for it. You couldn’t even bring yourself to celebrate Dedue’s return. The thing about him though was that he never let too many things go unnoticed.

“How are you?” He simply asked, and you lost it.

“-I couldn’t do anything. I-I couldn’t! Or… or I didn’t. Oh, goddess, I don’t know.” Your hands shook in front of you. “He can do what he will to me, but to others? Because of me? I… fuck. I couldn’t tell anyone. Felix and co. are already suspicious enough.”

“I am sorry. I know those words do not mean much now, but, for what it is worth, I am.” He paused, furrowing his brows and focusing on the ground. “I-,”

“Y/N.” Dimitri hulked in the doorway. Where the hell does he come from? Dedue stood promptly.

“Your Highness,” he greeted. Dimitri briefly regarded the Duscur man before focusing on you once again.

“Come,” he said, and you followed, wishing Dedue a small farewell. Dimitri’s cape glided against the concrete. He led you across the bridge and into the empty echoes of the cathedral. It was far too late for any priests or students to linger. Especially with Dimitri lurking around in the late hours. “You still think about him.”

“I still think about his death,” you carified.

“Do not tell me you mourn for a man who was going to imprison you.” You scoffed.

“He saved me.”

“In order to take you back to the empire for information. Who else would he like to obtain than the one he grew feelings for? Do not be so naive to think he saved you so altruistically.” Your teeth dug into your bottom lip.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. You and I both know how war works. Do you think Edelgard and her army would not use every former connection to get ahead? There is no line on the path to victory. Being weak, showing compassion, is just how you get killed. How the enemy wins.” You shook your head.

“You said you were going to kill me. Did you not save me for that reason? My death is the same no matter whose hands it is by. It will have the same impact. One less body between Edelgard and you.” Dimitri’s eye glanced downwards, then shot back up to meet yours with a small chuckle.

“Are you not already dead? Have you not already succumbed to the wills of those who control your mind? Have you not already become your own form of monster?” You shook your head and took a step back.

“N-no, I’m not.”

“You are not? You allow these cuts and bruises to litter your body. You allow your own eye to be stolen. You allow others to die. You allow all of this without consequence. You are a worse kind of monster: the one that allows another to live, to unleash without consequence. You hardly see the others anymore. You do not train with them, eat with them. They tend to your wounds and you run to get more.” Metal fingers gripped your chin and forced your head upwards. “I told you I would kill you, and I have.”

HIs kiss was fire compared to the ice of his armor pushing against you. All-consuming, Dimitri’s lips molded to yours and his teeth pierced your skin. He licked at your lips, and you willingly opened your maw to let him in. You willingly allowed him to drown you out, to push you towards a pew and lock you between his body and the wood. He only separated to breath before digging for more, more. His tongue dragged across your own and touched upon your teeth, tasting your intricacies with increasing vigor. He inhaled every exhale you panted into his mouth. These were not the kisses Dimitri five years ago gifted you.

“You taste the same…” he whispered. “Show yourself to me. Let us be dead together.”

#yandere fe3h #yandere fire emblem #fire emblem fic #dimitri x reader #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #yandere dimitri #yandere dimitri x reader #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd x reader #fire emblem x reader #fe16 #fe16 x reader #fe3h x reader #tw yandere #tw: yandere #tw injury #tw: injury

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shotomyheart · 3 years

Text

dreams stay dreams

mattsun x female reader

synopsis: working as a funeral director and priest isn’t exactly what mattsun had dreamed for himself

warnings: sad fic, not too much about romance but you end up with him, death (not of mc or you), not totally canon, my tenses are all over the place, mentions of drinking, mattsun can sing and play guitar bc i said so

note: this was an original piece i made when i was 15 and decided to share by replacing my oc with mattsun. bc of this, my writing isn’t the best but i wanted to share anyway

wc: 1.7k

POV: Mattsun

I always count how many flowers are in the room before anything else. I like to see how much the corpse was worth to people, how much they cared, or if they feel more guilt for not treating them better. It’s like a game, so far the high score is two hundred forty two flowers in one day. Today there are ninety-six flowers, most are violets, but some roses are spread around the room in bunches. The room has about a hundred people standing or sitting near the guest of honor. Most are crying, some laugh about good times. I, on the other hand, view others while leaning against the wall. In respect, I wear an all black suit, no wrinkles. My brown dry eyes stand out against the black atmosphere, but somehow I stay hidden amongst the crowd.

When people start to sit down, a choir softly sings songs about how great Heaven is and God will protect all that want to survive the world, not live, but survive. I believe the song was “Redeemer of Israel”.

I hum along.

I fiddle with my fingers as my father preaches to the crying children of God and tells them to rejoice in the aspect of life after death and rejoice in the temporary life the victim had.

Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice. It is a common word in my household of just my father and I.

When the ceremony was over, I wait until all of the guests have left, the immediate family being the final six to leave. The wife’s tears are silent while the youngest child was coaxed by an older sibling— I couldn’t tell if it was a boy or a girl at my angle—telling the young boy to be quiet. I wonder if the child believes if he cries loudly enough his father will wake up.

The rest of the three, presumed, siblings hold onto another, as if grasping onto the last bit of reality. When they let go of each other, their eyes seem to gloss over in a new world, one of old memories that rained in front of their views. My father watched in pity.

That was the difference between him and I, well there were many differences, he looked at people with pity and I viewed them with knowledge. Knowledge of knowing what it’s like to watch themselves fall and their dreams to crack beneath their feet. It was a remarkable sight.

. . .

“The flowers go to-”

“Ms. Jackson, I know. They always go to Ms. Jackson.” I mumble. Another family lost a member last Tuesday and preparations were always the same. I set the six tables that rounded the room. Usually there were seven, but one of them was missing or broken, I don’t recall what my father had said.

At seven o’clock exactly I grabbed my coat and threw off my black tie that my father makes me wear to work. I unbutton my collar and shake off my coat once I shimmer into my rusting, dark blue truck. When I ignite my car, it rolls into the street with rumbles and creeks echoing into the silent neighborhood.

As the street lights become brighter and the people are louder, I slide into a parking spot. The Late Pool has bright blue lights illuminating onto the pavement as I walk in. With guitar in hand, I shift my way into the back of the bar. Crowds observed my every move as I confidently stride up the small stairs onto the dirty stage. The eyes of broken hearts and mistreated wives hanging onto the sex-crazed men that haunt the streets of Manhattan chug another fizzy drink that drowns their sober thoughts.

There was nowhere else I would rather be.

In the corner of my eye there is a large window and hidden behind the sleepless city was a church peeking over roofs and the dark sky.

I called to close the shades.

Positioning myself, silence echoed and my breath could be heard a mile away, but reality was people chatted amongst themselves, kissing and dancing to toxic music and to toxic thoughts. My fears wash away as soon as my guitar sings to the crowd and the dying club music shuts off. Ed Sheeran’s “I’m a Mess” flows off my tongue, bringing a more gentle feel throughout the bar. People continue to grind and shake off their regrets of that afternoon as my voice leaves my tongue and I cry to the Heavens and my Father and my dreams of tomorrow.

When I finish, the crowd rumbles out my name with a drunken slur and a tiny bit of admiration, but that could just be my tipsy state imagining and hoping.

It is ten o’clock when I have my seventh drink and my feet start to stumble. I ask for another. The burning sensation touches my throat as it swam to my thoughts. I threw my ideas up with my vomit as I rushed to the toilet.

Inside, a young woman approached me with a solemn face. Her cheeks were puffy, but I hardly took notice. Her black dress hung loosely on her and tear stains rushed to the floor. I would have recognized her if my eyes didn’t shift every two seconds. She took ahold of my hand with a firm grip and placed my hands on her hips. A buzzing moved in my pant’s pocket, but I was focused on the girl kissing my neck. I knew my breath smelled horrible, but she continued to kiss me with a fierce determination. The bathroom was messy and the tiles were old fashioned, I was pretty sure it was dirtier than my mouth when I ranted on to my friends. The night never seems to end, we drove into a sloppy night full of hope and wishful thinking, neither of us knowing the other’s name.

. . .

That morning I woke up with a groan. My phone vibrated in my pant’s pocket a few feet away. My dark hair stuck in uncomfortable places and my eyes droop with restlessness. The girl had rushed off to the bathroom to throw up while I kept the bile from coming up my throat, instead I take a deep gulp of air. By the fifth ring, I propped my body up and grudgingly moved toward my jeans. Sliding my pants on, I pressed the answer symbol on my phone and placed it on my shoulder and my head tilted to keep it in place.

“Hello,” I grumble. The smell of throw up and beer combined made my head spin even more. There was a sigh at the other end of the call.

“Finally, Mattsun. I've been calling you all night!” The deep loud voice on the other end made me wobble on my feet. I pulled the terror from my ear before I ran into something.

“What do you want, Makki?” I kicked a glass bottle away from my path to the bar counter. A young man wiped the counters down and I raise two fingers and mouthed the word “water”. The man nods his head and grabs two glasses and fills it with ice cold water. I sit down and grabbed the glass with one hand and the other held onto the phone towards my ear again. “Cheers.” I said to the bartender. He nodded and went back to cleaning.

“Are you even listening?!” I debate on asking for a shot of whiskey instead if Makki was going to keep on screaming.

“Calm down, what is it? I'm listening now.” I took a sip of my water and let the cool liquid flow down my throat.

“You idiot! It’s your dad…” Suddenly he hushed his violent shouts and I could practically see his big brown eyes looking up at me in sadness. The woman returned and I nodded at the glass of water to her. She smiles and takes the glass, chugging it down. Her face reminded me of someone, but I couldn't place it.

“What about my father?” I returned, impatiently.

“He’s dead.”

I don't remember if I started crying there or if I cried on my way to our house.

. . .

I count the heads of the people who entered the room. Today there should be about forty five relatives and friends arriving today. When I counted up to forty two, I began my speech of life after death. After a few minutes, Hallelujah rang into my ears as the women of choir sang to the distressed. In the corner of my eye, a bright blue light shines throughout the city, it seems. I go over to shut the blinds.

It’s been a month since my father died and it’s been exactly a year since we moved from Japan to have better business. It’s been three weeks and four days since I put my guitar away and it’s been one hour since I last saw my girlfriend Y/N, the one I met at the bar and later recognized as the figure who talked to the boy at the funeral. Our relationship has been speeding into a serious relationship, and like life, I can't slow it down. She told me I need a steady job instead of the bar, and reluctantly I agreed.

The church welcomed me with open arms and black cloth. I started working a week after my father’s death, rent was calling and apparently so was God. Things change quickly here, as suppose to Japan where there was always enough time to chat a bit and talk about dreams over a bit of beer. Now I realize beer isn't solving my problems and dreams are too high in the clouds for me to reach them, and so was rent in New York City.

So when I cried to the Heavens to bless the family who lost their member (a young girl of the age eighteen, some old drunk ended her sweet life of being a child of the richest family in the area, the Parkers) I cried to God to give me a window of opportunity to leave, or even a crack in the wall. The thunder outside gave me my answer. The dead stay dead. Just as dreams do.

#daydreaming.nightmares #daydreaming.longer #mattsun #mattsun x you #mattsun x reader #mattsun haikyuu #haikyuu #matsuwaka issei #matsuwaka x reader #matsuwaka x you #female reader #mattsun x y/n #mattsun x female reader #haikyuu angst #hq x you #hq x y/n #hq angst #hq mattsun

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vanchlo · 3 years

Text

The Firsts / #7 “The First Gingerbread House”

---> NEXT BLURB: The last blurb of The Firsts is most likely coming tomorrow, 12-16!

READ THE ASSISTANT, AKA WHAT CAME FIRST

SERIES MASTERLIST

READ ON WATTPAD

LEGEND:

+ : a break in the story; a time jump.

and i’m too lazy for italics bc tumblr ignores formatting that i do in Docs so sorry i give up

WARNINGS: None

WORD COUNT: 2.9k words - a fun extra blurb c:

SONG: Thank God It’s Christmas by Queen (click to listen)

“The secret of our success is that we never, never give up.”

- Wilma Mankiller

The smell wafting under the door was the first thing I registered when I woke up the next morning. Christmas music and its splendid sounds were what followed, until my sadness ran away with that moment of respite.

He was gone. He’d left me. Harry had abandoned me.

Those thoughts filled the sleepy holes in my head once again. Well, until I felt a movement in the bed behind me, and my eyes shot open. The room was devoid of any light, my Christmas tree long ago thrown in my closet after I read that note. It’s all but forgotten when I turn around and I remember. The snoring man under my covers whose feet rest against mine makes it all come back to me, tear by tear. Am I dreaming still? Not unless that pretend world of mine remembers the scar above his eye, the one right under the curve of his chin, or the way his eyelids flutter while he’s dreaming. Already hiccuping, I close the distance between us and throw my arms around him.

“Mmmm,” he groans, slowly reciprocating the action like muscle memory. The crook of his neck is warmer than usual from sleep, and somehow, it smells even better than before. His woodsy vanilla scent remains as I paint his neck with my tears. “Becks . . What’s tha matter, baby?” Harry’s rasped words coast over my head. The ‘baby’ gets me right away, and the sob only deepens at how that’s his immediate response.

“It wasn’t a dream,” I weep into his t-shirt, clinging onto him and never wanting to let him go.

“No, ‘m here, Becks, ‘m here. ‘m not goin’ anywhere, not ever again, I promise you that. Now, go back t’ sleep, bug, ‘s only seven . . We don’t hafta be t’ me mum’s ‘til three, and me sleep ‘s all messed up.”

My head nods along with his words as his arms tighten around me, and my tears ebb. Sniffling, I feel them stubbornly stay and crash onto his skin with each shake of my chest.

“You promise?” the words are choked and fear sits in them.

“I promise, Rebecca Ann, and ‘ll never ever break this one t’ you, I mean it.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that, Styles,” it’s a half assed attempt at a laugh with my words, but it’s better than nothing.

“Breathe, baby, and try t’ sleep. I know you didn’t get much tha last couple o’ days.”

My head moves around until it finds that special spot, and in the midst of it, I think of the other night when I couldn’t sleep. He was all I could think about, per usual, and Skye’s yelling didn’t help. I couldn’t tell who she was talking to, and I just assumed that her and her boyfriend were having a row on the phone. Now that I think of it, I came home from work almost every night to her on the phone, and she would angrily hang up. She was there for me, but she was secretive too, and I couldn’t understand why. Until now.

“Skye told you?”

“Ya,” his answer is just as quiet and slow as mine. I want to be angry and upset at the both of them, but I had spent so much of my life the last few years being mad at him that I couldn’t fathom another unnecessary second of it. “I left t’ spare you tha hurt, but there wasn’t a moment that I stopped thinkin’ and worryin’ ‘bout you, bug. She was pissed at me, so much so I wasn’t sure if she’d let me in last night when I came . . but she did. She said you would’ve killed her if she hadn’t, which I believe . . I had t’ check on you and make sure you were okay, and she was tha one closest t’ you, even if she spent each phone call cursin’ at me.”

“But I wasn’t, how could I be after that, Harry? You disappeared on me and fell off the face of the earth. I’d never been so scared, not knowing if you were okay, or if I’d ever see you again. Y-You can’t do that again to me, we’re a team, you’ve said it yourself. We’ve talked about getting married one day, you’re my best friend a-and-,” he cuts me off before the tears do, threatening to push me over the edge that I don’t know if I can bring myself back from.

“I know, sweetheart, I know, and ‘m so sorry. ‘ll never stop apologizin’, Becks, never. I realized too late what I did was so foolish and how terribly I hurt you. I thought I was savin’ you from mo’ pain when really I was jus’ givin’ you mo’,” he sighs, and the misery in his words almost makes me want to stop him from going on. Although it had only been a few days, it felt longer with our recent breakup, like it was all a ball of pain rolled into one. Months of just wanting him to be happy again, more so now after I thought things were okay again, and then he left. “Trust me, ‘m not gonna fook things up again. ‘m rather sure n’body would lemme anyways, not My’ or Skye or me mum. They’re all jus’ as pissed at me fer what I did, and I won’t ever do it again. I love you so much, Rebecca Ann, and I won’t ever f’get that. When things get tough, I know that’s what I need t’ rememba - that and how much you always love me.”

“I tried to stop loving you, but I couldn’t . . I can’t.”

“And neither could I, love, ‘d never want t’,” he murmurs. He begins to hum our song and then it spills from his lips. At last, I find the sound of his heartbeat, and my breathing begins to slow. Once he’s a few lines in and his hands are carding through my hair, I give in to the sleep, knowing that he’ll be there when I wake up.

“Our first Christmas t’getha,” Harry rasps later on as I rub at my eyes. I make the mistake of opening them and am blinded by the light that pours in from my poorly drawn shades. His giggle tickles at my ears when I nuzzle my head back into his chest.

“First of many,” I mumble in between the folds of his t-shirt, finally feeling around and noticing the absence of his flannel. “Where did your flannel go last night?”

“Where d’ya think it went, Ms. Heater? Bloody hell, ‘s stiflin’ in yer bedroom, y’know that? ‘Least put onna fan or sumthin’, I fookin’ overheated last night. At least at mine, I know t’ turn tha heat down at night ‘cos you do it all fer me,” Harry nearly scoffs, but the humor in his voice is contagious.

“Is that what happened with your pants too?”

“Ya, and skinny jeans aren’t comfy t’ sleep in,” he remarks. I feel his body move as my hand goes under his shirt, feeling his toned stomach. Without knowing it, it wanders down and to the front of his underwear. “Hey, mind that hand o’ yers, woman.”

“You know I just like to feel it sometimes,” is all I say as I palm at his crotch, hearing his groan.

“Ya, well now yer gonna make me hard, and ‘d rather not be when ‘m textin’ me sista. God, ‘s she mad at me.”

I don’t mean to giggle, but I find it difficult to resist, and even more so when Harry is groaning at me.

“‘s a good thing yer cute, and so are yer li’l snorts,” he says, shaking his head at me when I at last rest my chin on his chest to look up at him.

“Aren’t you a little old to be wearing skinny jeans? You’re almost thirty-one, Harry.”

“Hush,” he tuts, slipping his tongue out to swipe over his lips. His lips remain parted before he bites at his bottom one when his thumbs flit across the screen of his phone. “Stop bein’ mean t’ me, ‘m tired.”

Another laugh slips out and his head is shaking furiously as I feel his dick harden underneath my hand.

“Rebecca Ann, get yer hand away from me dick, or else.”

“Or what?” I say, fully aware of what I’m doing to him, and so is he.

“Woman,” it comes out as a perturbed sigh from him, but it’s all but ignored as I get on all fours. He doesn’t acknowledge the way that I climb up his body with kisses pressed up his scratchy neck. “What d’ya think yer doin’?”

“What, can’t I kiss my boyfriend?” I tease, threading my way through his arms. His neck smells amazing when I lay down on top of him, wheezing at the ‘ooof’ he makes.

He hums an approval while his phone makes small noises every time he types a letter. A smile warms my face as I cozy my face into his neck, needing to make up for lost time as I think of how he didn’t even react or protest when I plopped down on him. He wrapped his arms around me and hooked his chin over my shoulder and carried on, as if normal.

“Hey, look who’s callin’ me,” Harry notes, his voice still crackly from sleep. “Hullo? Hi, Harper, how’re you, darlin’?” in seconds, his voice drips of honey for his other favorite girl in the world, filling my heart. “Ya wanna talk t’ Anty Becky? ‘Kay, ‘ll put you on speaker so you can talk t’ us both.”

“Best get ready, somebody may have missed you mo’ than me,” he grins at me as we stop in front of a door decorated with a festive wreath. “Didn’t know that was possible.”

The door opens within moments, and a small girl with honey colored hair stands in front of us.

“Anty Becky! Unky Harry!” she exclaims, her adorable pin striped apron billowing around her when she runs forward to wrap her arms around our legs.

“Hiya, sweets. How’re you?” Harry coos, bending down to scoop her into his arms. If I wasn’t melting already, I sure am now. “Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas! I missed you!” she whines, resting her head on Harry’s chest as he hugs her back. Goddammit, my ovaries better calm the fuck down. “And I missed you, Anty Becky!” Harper squeals when she lets up and reaches her arms out for me. I take the little girl in my arms and Harry ushers us into the house and out of the cold.

“How are you, love?” I ask her, combing her hair out of her darling brown eyes.

“Good. You’re both early, yay!” she announces, pulling on my hand and Harry’s when I let her down. We share hello’s with Gemma, her husband, and the walking and talking Ollie.

“Mum not here yet?” I hear Harry ask his sister who replies with a curt ‘no.’ “Seems ‘m still in tha doghouse with her.”

“What’s a doghouse?” Harper asks when she stops, seeing as how we’ve reached our destination. The kitchen table prepared with our supplies awaits us, and I get the message when I see the look Gemma gives Harry.

“Don’t worry, love. So, I hear we’re makin’ gingerbread houses t’day?”

“Yep! Mummy said you’re really good at making them,” Harry’s young niece says. His eyes nearly roll into the back of his head when I meet them, but he still cracks a laugh.

“I s’pose I am, or accordin’ t’ yer mummy, I am.”

“Yay, I’ve wanted to make one for so long, and mummy said we could today since Christmas dinner isn’t for a few hours,” she answers, and it only continues to surprise me how much she’s grown since I first met her.

“How’s school going, Harp?” my question finds a place in between her meticulous watching of Harry taking out the gingerbread pieces from the zipped baggy.

“Good, I know all of my ABC’s now, Anty Becky,” she answers, but her attention couldn’t be further from me.

Her eyes widen when her uncle takes off the lids to the frosting her and Gemma had prepared. My hand goes to my mouth when she tells Harry to be careful with the sprinkles container he opens. The organ that thumps away in my chest metaphorically swells at the sound of how she says his name. Hair-wee. It only drives my ovaries a bit more nuts at the sound, and I mistakenly think about our kids calling him that, and the beloved Daddy, of course.

“‘Kay, here’s tha pieces t’ yer house, Harpy. Now, we can’t eat all o’ tha frostin’,” Harry tells her as he presses a kiss to the top of her head. Swoon.

“Do you want some, Unky Hair-wee?” she offers, sticking her finger into the pink frosting and holding it out to him. He shakes his head at her offer, but when she isn’t looking, he swipes some for eating. “Hey, you said we can’t eat it all!”

“I didn’t, I only had a touch, love.”

“No lying, Unky Hair-wee!” she says with a wag of her finger at him, and soon, we’re all laughing but her. “Becky, Hair-wee is being naughty.” “Oh no. What should we do about it, love?” I find it harder to pose my question in a serious tone than I thought it would be. She hums a sound like she’s thinking, and I giggle under my breath when Harry picks her hand out of the bowl of gum drops.

“He gets coal for Christmas,” she mutters, her small face squished with upset as Harry assembles the first two walls of her house.

“‘m not gonna help you with yer house if yer not gonna be nice, Harp, but we won’t have anythin’ t’ decorate our house with if we eat all o’ our sweets,” he tells her gingerly, giving me an alarmed look when I find his eyes. Shaking his head, he picks up the piping bag and continues to put the walls together.

Huffing, she pulls her hand back from the small plate of chocolate chips, placing them in her lap. Pulling my eyes away from my half assembled house, I watch her observe Harry and his craftsmanship. I don’t have to look very hard to see the similarities between the two. First off, oh my god with the stubbornness. Then, there’s the love of sweets and chocolate, to no surprise. Her hair curls at the ends beautifully, and deep dimples sit in her cheeks when they move. Although she’s a spitting image of her mother, when I see young pictures of Harry, I see Harper in them too.

Resting my chin on my hand, I lose myself in watching him with her, knowing he’d be just as sweet, if not more, with his own babies. God, I need to get a grip.

“Why’s it not working?” Harper whines ten minutes later when one of the walls of her gingerbread house falls down.

“It jus’ needs mo’ frostin’, sweets. I didn’t do a very good job with that one, ‘m afraid. Here, why don’t you keep decoratin’ tha other sides while I fix it, ya?”

“Mmmmkay,” she sighs, picking up a small red cinnamon flavored candy to continue framing the door. Her pudgy, little fingers are careful and slow, and it makes me smile. “Yours looks cute, Anty Becky,” she comments and when I look over at her, she’s giving Harry a dirty look. He lifts his eyes with his face torn between being upset and trying not to laugh, asking me with his eyes, ‘did you see that?’

“Thanks, Harp, and so does yours. You and Harry are doing a good job.”

“Not good enough,” it’s a mutter under her breath, but I hear it. I clear my throat as I continue to press peppermint twist candies onto a wall of my gingerbread house.

“Hey, li’l miss, watch tha li’l attitude,” Harry warns with a raise of his eyebrows. He drops the piping bag after the house is all reassembled and dances his fingers across her ribs until she’s squealing from laughter. “Huh, what was that? Did I jus’ hear you say, ‘’m sorry, Unky Hair-wee, I love our gingerbread house so much! Yer tha best unky in da world, I love you so much!’”

“No,” she giggles, and by now, my gingerbread house is forgotten as I watch the two with their dimples adorning their laughs. “I didn’t say that! I don’t love you, you’re all stinky and mean!”

“Am not!” Harry scoffs, picking her up from her chair and holding her upside down. Her laughs continue loudly as he tickles under her arms and in the crook of her neck, tossing her onto the sofa in the nearby living room.

“Are too!” she fights back, kicking at him as he towers over her, sending chuckles from her lips. “I like Anty Becky better!”

Harry gasps at her proclamation and now, I’m laughing along with her. He looks over to me and I don’t think he could be smiling bigger. “Ya like this?”

“Mmmhmm, you’re so cute together. You’re gonna make such a good daddy one day,” I muse aloud, surprising myself with the confession. It only makes his dimples bigger in his cheeks, and I can’t tell if they’re reddening from the tickling or from my words.

God, I couldn’t have picked a better man to be a daddy to my babies one day.

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jawnjendes · 4 years

Text

bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs," Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss @peruvian-bae @theprivatewritings

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn x goth gf #if yall r pissedt abt brian #it had already been establishedt #i made my bed imma fukin lie in it

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gyeommine · 6 years

Text

MONSTA X as Roommates

wow sorry this has been a LONG absence. i am swimming in school work and deadlines atm so bear w me. my final exams are this year so i am trying my best love u all <3

(all gif creds to the original owners)

Shownu:

( AN ACTUAL ANGEL )

okay so he’s a typical male but he tries really really hard okay?

he’ll say he will do his chores, make his bed or do his laundry

but he’s a busy sweetie

so he’ll fall asleep in a crumpled duvet

and it melts your heart so you have to do it

and he’ll always thank you super sincerely where his eyes disappear into his face and honestly ur roommate is the most adorable human alive.

u always catch him being an actual dad

he’ll be in his favourite sofa crevice, scratching his chin w his arm up in that position the bois make fun of him for.

and you have to try with all your might to not burst out laughing

instead you send a picture to the mx groupchat.

it’s called tender blackmail.

he also falls asleep on the sofa a lot but u can’t move him so

another dad thing he does is that he’s lowkey super protective

he’s not often an emotional person so it’s quite well hidden

but he does worry if you’re home later than him and will probably call u.

and will let out a prominent sigh of relief when you respond

lets you wear the baggy shirts he doesn’t wear anymore or so he claims

it just makes him chuckle when his shirts completely drown you

you also get to see a v sincere side to shownu

you can clearly see how his performing on top of variety shows exhausts him (esp when he claims variety is not his thing)

but he’ll never snap at you when he’s like that

because he’s so sincerely appreciative of having you around

but doesn’t disguise his dumbness

you guys can’t have many expensive ornaments

bc he’ll go to thoughtfully polish it to cheer you up

and end up breaking it

he’s a literal sweetheart that tries so hard, love him please

Wonho:

(wOW i would protecc this man w all my heart. purest)

he would be the sweetest roommate in th world

even tho he’s busy 24/7

he’ll sometimes randomly buy you your usual coffee

or he’ll see you’re almost out of milk or something

where he’ll promptly restock so you don’t have to

he’s incredibly thoughtful

it makes you a lil sad sometimes when he’s particularly busy

bc you miss him like crazy

but when he gets the chance, he makes sure he hangs out w you and dedicate some set time to his best friend

bc he really appreciates you

you’re both each other’s main support

he knows that when he walks in through the door after a shit day

you’ll be sat on the sofa ready to hear him out

it leads to way too many profound chats till like 3 in the morning

he’s a lil’ bit protective

on the rare occasion he’s not working and you’re not home

he’ll be snapchatting you, texting you

‘wonho i was just at the gym?’ ‘can i come too??!!”

and then suddenly you’re hanging out as per

living w wonho is the chillest thing

except when he neglects to wear a shirt when he’s having a lazy day

and you’re red in the face, throwing fabrics at him to cover him damn self.

friends or not it’s illegal for wonho to walk around like that

you both gel without arguments

you like the same films, music and even like to eat at similar places

never any arguments over takeout lol

you even end up giving each other skin care tips

which makes for a pretty blissful living arrangement if you ask me.

Minhyuk:

(a visual??????)

okay you two are the ultimate best friends.

you have a long list of movies and tv series/anime that you two have to watch together

primarily because you know how whiny and salty he will be if u break it

you’re both pretty relaxed roommates

like the dishes don’t need to be done right this second

magically chores still get done

thankfully, minhyuk isn’t the typical gross male

but he will probably shamelessly steal food that you have labelled

which is probably the only source of any conflict in your house.

when you’re both at home

you better believe this loud ass will wake you up super early to go do something together

“time to bond (y/n)!!!!” “what r u, 5?”

but you’re lowkey kinda grateful that he wants to do stuff with you

since you’re always afraid you’ll lose him to his schedule

you’re still super super close

you guys create your own dance routines and memorise current choreos that are trending

you prank each other, which may involve you printing pre-debut pictures of minhyuk and plastering them everywhere

you have you’re own handshake that may or may not last for like 5 minutes

and if either of you forget it oH THE b e t r a y a l

did i mention that minhyuk is a massive drama queen?

but in a funny way (unlike a certain member who’s about to follow)

you will have named your shared apartment, no doubt

and will reference its name in the invites of the house parties you guys host

you basically act like siblings when their parents go out for the evening... 24/7...

Kihyun:

(his smile could sAVE lives. it’s so bright)

the ‘drama queen’ i previously mentioned

if u wanted a relaxed roommate, dude look elsewhere

i reckon yoo kihyun is a clean freak

he is mad about a rota of chores, to ensure it’s equal

but i can imagine him redoing them anyway if they weren’t done exactly how he normally does it.

this causes some some minor bickering

it’s always resolved when you ask what you’re doing for dinner that night

you guys have this insane ability to just drop arguments in a flash

which is why the intense cleaning regime never bothers you

plus, it contents your parents that you don’t live in a pig sty

(and silently wish that they could hire kihyun to clean on the side)

but beneath the bitterness, he can be super thoughtful

he’ll remember a food you were craving that one time

and suddenly you’ll find it in the cupboards

when you ask, he’ll shrug it off

but he lowkey loves to cook for you.

you guys will love to buy furniture together

prepare yourself for many trips to look at random decorations or house plants to liven up your two dead souls

relishing the simple joys like buying new plates or cutlery like the secretly middle aged people you are.

surprisingly, yall have a v similar ideal

i can just picture this modern (not to mention spotless), monochromatic apartment in seoul

mx and your friends will be so jealous of how well you run your appartment together

although they quietly question your friendship, yall get it each other

your closeness is measured in bitterness and insults

and you don’t really need anyone to understand your friendship

bc it works

Hyungwon:

(ONE OF THE BEST LOOKING PPL IN KPOP HANDS DOWN hOLD me)

this living arrangement will be the exact opposite to living w kihyun

“organised mess”

it’s just you guys are always so busy with your careers and lives

so tidiness happens to be the bottom of the priority list

except when parents come over

then you’re doing hurdles over each other to tidy up

trying to find as many convenient dark spots in the place to hide unwashed laundry

when you are both at home

it’s a quiet contentedness in each other's company

you’ll most likely message each other instead of yell

but when you do call out to him, it usually takes 3-6 times before you receive at least a mumble in response

you’ll probably text each other when you’re right next to each other

well, if hyungwon’s even awake

you will definitely leave passive aggressive notes to each other

‘close the cupboard u moron - love (y/n) xoxo’

and hyungwon will reply on the same cupboard door

‘even ur writing is loud omg - hyungwon’

and the door will be wide ajar

and you’re genuinely not sure whether he hasn’t noticed the actual issue or is blatantly ignoring it

nevertheless, it’s your guys’ sense of humour

you guys probably stay up a lot together when you’re both free and not feeling up to doing much

a few beers while watching some b-rate movie to laugh at

but the film will soon be forgotten and you’ll be talking about anything from love to what vegetable you identify with

and end up falling asleep on the sofa next to each other at 6 am

and the cycle starts all over again

Jooheon:

(one of the sweetest dimpled people alive)

a golden, pure apartment

you guys are inseparable and the cutest friends alive

yall really take care of each other, even if its a little out yours’ way

you both can immediately sense when something is wrong

when you drag your feet into the flat, your face completely drained

jooheon is alert and ready to let you rant about your day

and he’ll offer to pay for food that night or cook something

likewise with him. you just sense when he needs a cry or a moan.

you guys are also super goofy

jumping around like 10 year olds to your favourite playlists

having your own lip sync battles and completely slaying the raps

i can also imagine you two having a redecorating day together

you playfully bickering over a shade of blue for the living room

idk it just seems like something you guys would do together

you also leave sweet notes for each other

especially if you don’t see each other at home for a while

you’ll wake up to a lil’ sticky note wishing you a pleasant day

it’s honestly sickly sweet

you’ll prank and tease the other members when they come over

because you guys are an unstoppable, mischievous duo

unfortunately shownu doesn’t really scare like jooheon does

so the tables over turn :/

jooheon has also put a ban on horror movies

because he’s so jumpy and he knows he’ll never live it down

you guys will also share a bed in a completely platonic way

like you have just missed your best friend

so you have a sleepover... in the flat you share... as adults

everybody just assumes you’re dating and mx think you should

esp when jooheon gets lowkey jealous when you go on dates, since he’s so openly protective of you

but you guys know where you’re at

and you’re happy as best friends

I.M:

(i love this gif of changkyun. look at his cheeks ahhhh)

you guys are long-term childhood friends so the apartment vibe is chill

you have been friends so damn long, you know exactly how each other click so there are rarely any problems

if there is, you threaten to blackmail w the thousands of ugly photos you have of him.

then you remember he has an equal amount as you, and the actual issues is dropped within seconds

because you guys are still goofy through it al

like i said, it’s a v chill household

chores get magically done, eventually, but there’s no real rush

but you are both rarely there to have to thrive in it

it does make kihyun want to die a little when he visits

changkyun is often at his own studio

and you’ll receive calls asking you to listen to something he’s produced and see what you think of it

it means you guys end up spending more time at his studio than the apartment you both pay for lmao

but it doesn’t bother either of you

sometimes, it does take some prompting from you to stop him from overworking himself

what you guys love to do is go out on drives

just drive somewhere completely random, sit and watch the night creep in

you guys can pretty much talk for hours and hours

be it reminiscing, talking about the future or about the new music that you have been listening to

this does mean changkyun always has headphones in

so you’ll have to call his name repeatedly to get his attention

your apartment will also always smell good

you both end up buying heaps and heaps of incense and candles

careful in not making the landlord believe you guys are doing drugs lmao

but it just creates such a relaxed atmosphere

and you don’t have to think too hard when buying each other presents

sorry if the lengths aren’t v well balanced. i had LOADS of ideas for some members and fewer for others. curse of writer’s brain grrrr. some of these were so cute, and i would so room w changkyun tbh

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mag200 · 6 years

Text

@little-narnian-notes okay heres every taylor song that constantly makes me think of bagginshield:

the outside bc of all the time early in the quest when bilbo’s not used to all the dwarves and feels like they’re all such close friends and look after each other and he doesn’t know how to get close to any of them but there are quiet moments when he realizes that although thorin is one of them and they all look up to him, in a way he’s also on the outside bc of his duty to them

mary’s song (oh my my my) is a reshirement AU

i’m only me when i’m with you is another reshirement mood

untouchable is 100% both of them starting to feel aware of each other at all times and understanding each other without knowing how to approach the other and say “hey i’m here for you”

change is every time thorin starts to think the quest is doomed and that maybe he’s just leading his loved ones to ruin and bilbo keeps believing in him

mine bc “do you remember we were sitting there by the water? you put your arms around me for the first time” screams laketown

sparks fly makes me think of thorin working in the forges crafting a small gift for bilbo the fire and the sparks around him and “give me something that’ll haunt me when you’re not around”

enchanted for obvious reasons

innocent after thorin drags himself out of the gold sickness and realizes what he’s done, what he almost did

haunted because after his adventures he goes home to find it ransacked all his things being peddled off and nothing is the same as he left it and it couldn’t be because he isn’t the same and “i heard he never married”

long live “i had the time of my life fighting dragons with you”

ours “your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in”

safe & sound a lullaby of thorin’s war-torn youth and a lifetime bilbo can’t begin to understand but he listens

state of grace “i never saw you coming AND I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME” what a mood, all the fragility is killing me, “so you were never a saint and i’ve loved in shades of wrong, we learned to live with the pain, MOSAIC BROKEN HEARTS”

red because we must suffer. losing him was blue like i’d never known. missing him was dark grey, all alone. forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. but loving him was red.

treacherous is so tentative and hopeful and just? hjghghgh bilbo leaves ALL safety & propriety & rules behind to risk everything to follow thorin across the world because “nothing safe is worth the drive and i will follow you, follow you home”

i knew you were trouble which i know is about taylor being cheated on but just the sheer fact that bilbo’s life was perfectly tidy and comfortable until thorin traipsed into his house all COME WITH ME we have to FIGHT A DRAGON and be GAY AND SAD

holy ground always makes me think of them climbing their way up the lonely mountain and when bilbo spots the giant stone dwarf that apparently no one else could see and thorin runs up to him and right there, where we stood, was holy ground

sad beautiful tragic for obvious fucking reasons

everything has changed like????? everything sure did fucking change. for bot h of them. can you imagine, either of them, ever had a clue, this was comign. no.

sweeter than fiction which always makes me think of all the people who chose not to help thorin all his life “hit the ground, only sound you heard was no” and then there’s bilbo “i’ll be one of the many saying, you made us proud”

out of the woods bc they can never catch a fucking break

this love is the AU where bilbo almost loses thorin on ravenhill but he doesn’t (actually i wrote a fic called this love came back to me lmao)

i know places i just love the imagery of them like. trying to fucking sneak around. everyone knows you guys. you’re in love. its okay. be free.

clean actually tho about thorin coming out the other side of the gold sickness and finally being free of the fear of his history

wonderland “and life was never worse and never better”

you are in love gOd the ending they deserved really. “and you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars, and why i’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words.” they really. they rlly lost their minds and fought the wars. bilbo rlly spent the rest of his life trying to put it into words in his book and it took him the next 60 years to be able to process all of that.

delicate is so real thorin’s reputation never has been worse and also, all his life i don’t think he’s been able to trust that anyone outside his family does like him, if they do it must be because they want something??? how wild it must seem to him that bilbo likes him for him. cares for him not as a prince not as the heir to an ancient and once rich kingdom not as a legend but as a person.

gorgeous is so fun but i like to think it’s bilbo @ thorin in rivendell like, early on before real feelings are developing, when bilbo’s still thinking that thorin’s rude and annoying but, fuck, so pretty, he hates it

king of my heart, body, and soul, oh whoa, oh. also always crying over “is this the end of all the endings? my broken bones are mending?” (that line feels to me as if its from thorins pov)

dancing with our hands tied is unfortunately the death of me & about losing thorin and looking back and remembering. “i, i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us” and “swaying as the room burned down, i’d hold you as the water rushes in if i could dance with you again”

call it what you want is soooooo much. thorin’s castle crumbled overnight and he brought a knife to a gun fight but can you imagine the peace & acceptance in saying “they took the crown but it’s alright.” and then and then. in bag end when thorin comes and he wants bilbo to come with him he sings a song yearning for all he’s lost and exposes all of that to a stranger.. “you don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?” and bilbo: “yes.”

new year’s day is the moment bilbo holds out his hand to show thorin the acorn he picked up and tells thorin all about how he wants to remember everything, “hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you.” it’s what it was like to have thorin look right through him, in the thrall of gold sickness and fearing that thorin didn’t recognize anyone at all, “please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh i could recognize anywhere.” it’s a year after the reclamation of erebor and thorin and fili and kili lived and bilbo stayed, “don’t read the last page, but i stay when it’s hard, or it’s wrong, or we’re making mistakes.” it’s the peace they deserve. the rest at the end of it all. “you and me forevermore.”

#you can watch my progression into getting more and more emo writing this whole thing #this was a lot more than i planned #bagginshield #taylor swift #little-narnian-notes

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hyungtop · 7 years

Note

Could you do an intro post for vixx like you did for sf9?

so for those of y’all who read my sf9 intro post, i’m sorry bc this is prob gonna be a lot longer I”M SORRY how can you guys ask me to do this for my faves

vixx (synonymous with “concept kings”) stands for “visual, voice, value in excelsis,” which is meant to say that vixx has the best vocals/visuals and all that but after 5 years many people think that the “v” in vixx also stands for violence oops. before debut, they were in a survival show called mydol with a few other trainees. under jellyfish entertainment, vixx debuted may 24, 2012 with the song superhero. since then, vixx have been known as concept-dols because of the way they incorporate themes into their teasers, outfits, mv and go way beyond in terms of expressing these particular concepts.

one thing you have to know about vixx is that they’re relatively popular but somewhat overlooked because they create music and concepts that they are interested in, which don’t necessarily overlap with what the majority of the kpop consumer body wants to see or hear. but they don’t care. they are happy making music and are grateful for all of their fans, no matter how small or big their fanbase is.

(another thing: vixx is literally 80% legs)

vixx’s fanbase name is starlight! starlights are known to be very respectful of the group’s space and privacy and for that reason the members are pretty “close” to us, their fans.

members:

n (cha hakyeon)

born june 30, 1990

main dancer, lead vocalist, leader

is actually perfect: sings, dances, choreographs, acts, cooks and is responsible, caring, hard-working, treats everyone with respect

“mom”

neck chops

chabooty

known for his sexy gaze and charisma onstage

has a very stressful job watching over five hooligans

beautifully tanned skin that he takes very good care of

proudly watches over vixx as they cheat on variety segments during games

kinda insecure abt showing his forehead which sucks bc it is glorious

a makeup genius, as shown on lipstick prince s2

MAGIC HIPS

lead in “in the heights” musical

has acted in web dramas and dramas like sassy go go, what’s with money, tunnel, perfect wife

makes candles in his free time and i believe the profits from what he sells go to charity

has choreographed bits of vixx’s choreography over the years and most recently choreographed “take it out” by myteen

do yourself a favor and watch some n fancams after you finish reading this post

leo (jung taekwoon)

born nov. 10, 1990

main vocalist, composer

mr hot body, resident shoulder gangster and athlete

used to be painfully shy on camera but recently he’s opened up a lot. before he used to give cold stares but now he’s screaming and smiling and laughing

huge soft spot for cute things, mostly babies and animals

powerful vocals

but has a soft, sweet speaking voice

hyuk’s ramen shuttle

yaoi hands

iconic long hair during hyde era

ripped jeans

nicknamed “hamzzi” (hamster) by ravi and it kind of stuck…

but it’s a fitting nickname, leo’s always stuffing his cheeks with food bc food > camera

really really likes coffee

also called the head fairy because he bows his head and shows the top of it when he’s embarrassed

has acted in musicals like full house, monte cristo, mata hari

he used to be vixx’s dad but now he’s more like vixx’s grandpa

wishes for the good old days when hyuk and the rest of vixx used to take him seriously

ken (lee jaehwan)

born april 6, 1992

main vocalist

aegyo king/wink fairy

starlights are his babies

bffs with bts jin and b1a4′s sandeul (@ celebrity bromance where is my 92 grandpa squad episode) and also exid’s hani!!!

hair porn

wiggly butt

an expensive hoe…he has so many shoes and overly expensive casual clothes

proud of his big nose

loves attention from the members

angry gamer

beautiful, goosebump-inducing falsetto

has a dirty mouth and has gotten in trouble for it…but it’s okay(if you watch vixx mtv diary there’s one episode where he starts cussing in english to lose a game)

rising musical actor, starred in chess, cinderella, and hamlet

also acted in the drama boardinghouse 24

loves to draw! he’s had a few “art lesson” vlives and draws the characters for their vixx tv videos

eats everything in sight

but he’s been working really hard and is going around shirtless now (famously dubbed as “having a tits party”)

ravi (kim wonshik)

born feb. 15, 1993

main rapper, lead dancer, vocalist

loves dogs and is a doggy daddy, he has a french bulldog named butt aka ongdongie (don’t go googling “ravi butt” now)

in the top 10 idols with royalties, boi is raking in the $$$$

resident fashionista, looks good in any style and any clothing (and any hair)

currently has 5 tattoos

deeeeeeeeeeeeep voice

seems very manly but is actually the softest and cries the most

knows how to work DEm HIPS

very touchy, especially loves doting on ken

expressive eyebrows

loves his younger sister and wanted to become a bodyguard for her when he grew up

hates bugs holy crap it’s not even a joke he is terrified of them

shy with girls

he’s going to lose his hair at this rate he’s been every single shade of the rainbow and more

professional photobomber/meme

has cute cheekbones that come out when he smiles

is a little bit of a shit to n but we know ravi loves him

debuted as a solo artist in january 2017 with bomb

hongbin

judging since born sept. 29, 1993

vocalist/rapper, visual

savage motherfucker but also smiley cutesy bean who laughs at everything

ravi’s soulmate

signature dimples and toothy smile

very deep but sweet and clear voice

cringe fists when he’s embarrassed

NEEDS MORE LINES

underrates himself and it’s really sad bc he’s way more than just a face if he made it this far

arms and jawline sculpted by the gods

teased for his short legs and baby hands

notable achievement: ranked #7 globally in overwatch for playing hanzo (sorry i don’t know gaming terms)

kind of emotionally constipated. he said he would “follow n anywhere” but mostly just acts like his life’s goal is to be as far away from him as possible

can be kind of mature but automatically turns into a huge dumb when put together with hyuk

well-known for his role as wang chiang in moorim school

recently starred in the drama “wednesdays at 3:30pm” check it out on viki it’s super cute!

hyuk (han sanghyuk)

born july 5, 1995

lead dancer, vocalist, maknae

from daejeon, making him the only member not from seoul

the boss of vixx

a die-hard belieber

used to be terrified of leo but grew 5 inches and muscles and now leo is his punching bag

but honestly everyone is his punching bag…except hongbin

hyuk is hongbin’s prodigy so there’s some obligatory respect there

aspiring songwriter and rapper

potato nose

fiercely competitive

hates aegyo

also a huge gamer nerd with hongbin

once abandoned by 5vixx at a gas station when he was only 16 or 17 and many speculate that this was the beginning of the end of sweet maknae hyuk

the worst cook in vixx, he can’t even fry an egg

always covering his smile

english cover king

very very wild dancer

up and coming actor! he starred in the 2016 film “chasing” as an overly aggressive delinquent with a dirty mouth and has a webdrama coming out in october with apink’s chorong!

list of comebacks and respective concepts:

superhero; may 2012

rock ur body: august 2012

on and on; vampires; april 2013

hyde/gr8u: jekyll/hyde; may/july 2013

voodoo doll: blood and gore warning; november 2013

eternity: time travelers; may 2014

error: androids; november 2014

love equation: probably the most “mainstream” song they’ve done; march 2015

chained up: love slaves; november 2015

dynamite: zelos (jealousy); april 2016

fantasy: hades (death); august 2016

the closer: kratos (destruction); october 2016

shangri la: paradise; may 2017

scentist: perfumers/scent; april 2018

some other non-title tracks that are treasures:

light up the darkness* // spider // love me do* // desperate* // black out

*choreographed by cha leader

vixx lr subunit:

vixx lr consists of leo and ravi. they had a subunit debut in august of 2015 with beautiful liar and more recently came back with whisper in late august 2017. both leo and ravi are heavily involved with song production, with both of them writing lyrics and composing for tracks on these albums.

beautiful liar

whisper

words to say

feeling

beautiful night

chocolatier

important videos:

plan v diary

only u

this iconic hyde performance I’M SORRY

stress come on!

blossom tears

one fine day (subbed episodes here)

bingo talk

white day // bloopers

ask in a box 1 2

king of masked singer n leo ken

asia where vixx loves

star 360 1 2

ken on duet song festival

i want to fall in love

don’t go today

moon of seoul

hyuk’s covers

call you mine

love yourself

photograph

hug (original)

ships: most of the ship names are pretty easy to figure out. the most popular ones are probably wontaek (leo/ravi), neo, keo, raken/kenvi, rabin, luck (leo/hyuk), chabin (n/hongbin).

i hope this helps! let me know if any of the links are funky :)

#hmu if u wanna talk more abt vixx #I AM ALWAYS AVAILABLE TO TALK ABOUT VIXX.#about vixx #asks #vixx

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rrapmonstur-blog · 7 years

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JUST A PRE WARNING THIS WILL CONTAIN SMUT I DON’T FEEL LIKE WARNING LATER INTO THE LITTLE FAN FIC. SO JUST STOP IF YOU’RE A MINOR – LET’S DO THIS THING–

It’s been 2 weeks since you had walked in on your boyfriend Mark fucking another girl. You are a wreck you haven’t done your hair your face is a mess. You’ve barely eaten a thing. You haven’t left your house since then You looked like literal death. You’re 7 favorite boys have all tried their hardest to get you to come out and have some even come over to try and get you out of your funk. Namjoon and Jin come over and watch cheesy B-Rated horror flicks with you making fun of the graphics and acting trying to get you to even break out a small laugh. Suga comes over with food for you saying stuff like “Heres some suger from your swert Suga.” Using cheesy puns because he knows they always manage to make you smile. Jimin coming over just sitting in silence with you knowing that you didn’t want to talk but not wanting to be alone. They all tried there hardest but nothing worked. They’d always leave with a sad smile. None of the boys ever making you laugh as hard as Jhope would. But he’s been busy lately thinking of an idea for making a mixtape. Just another day week of being miserable you think to yourself as you fall asleep sad and broken once again.

You awoke to the sound of banging on your door and someone screeching like a howler monkey. You drag yourself out of bed to see who would be making such a racket having only one person in mind. You open the door to see Hoseok standing there with a wickedly big smile on his face. “IT is I! JHOPE THE BRINGER OF JOY TRYNA BRING A SMILE TO THAT FAVE. I sure *sound the J* j-hope this works. He says jokingly striking dumb poses in your doorway. "Come in before you make a fool of yourself” your voice full of sadness. He coming charging at you wrapping you up in his arms running all the way to your room. “GET dressed y/n doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Hurry up or I will dress you mysel” You sigh at his words and close the door pulling out a pair of black ripped jeans, your favorite old converse, and a white sweater with rips all throughout the sweater. You pull your hair up into a messy bun. Walking out with a toothbrush in your mouth mumbling with a mouth full of toothpaste to him “why d’ I haf to do fis?” He laughs and winks at you. “It’s a surprise for my fave girl” he says with a big smile. You finish and walk over to his car to see him walking down the street. You run after him confused as to where you are going. He wraps his arm around your shoulder “Y/N you are going to love this” he says approaching a animal shelter that’s just down the street from when you live. Your eyes get wide and you look at the shelter and run forward quickly with Hoseok close behind. “You know I’ll end up wanting one but I don’t have the money to buy one” you say to him sadly. “I know but it doesn’t hurt to give them a bit of love” you guys play with all the animals for what seems like hours. You favored a small little fuzzy dog while Jhope played with all the animals getting covered in fur. You feel so much better you look at Hoseok “Thank you so much” you smile at him getting up “cmon let’s go before I steal one of these” he laughs a precious laugh. You guys then soon go to his car and he drives around taking you to all your favorite places. He steps away for a monent to make a phone call and when he comes back he takes you to your favorite desert store and buys you a cupcake. You take a bite the chocolate frosting sticking to your cheek. JHope leans forward to lick the frosting off your cheek teasing you. You hear someone clear their throat from behind you, you both turn around to see your ex Mark standing before you arms crossed looking pissed. “What the fuck is this y/n? We haven’t even been broken up for a month and you got a new guy. Wow you’re kinda a slut aren’t you?” You feel Hoseok tense up next to you he wraps his arm defensively around your waste. You open your mouth to speak when Hoseok speaks up before you had a moment to stammer a word out “So what. You cheated on her didn’t you? You have no right to speak to y/n like that. I suggest you turn around and walk away because she has not once missed you. She was happy you cheated on her because she didn’t have the heart to leave you. But since you beat her to the punch she had the chance to get with who she really wanted. Me” he lies smoothly. Your stomach fills with a swarm of butterflies seeing him lie just to not see you sad and so you don’t got to try to spill out broken words. Marks face twists in disgust at he turns around not before spitting at Hoseok face. You clench your fist and walk up to the neanderthal walking away from you “Hey Mark!” He turns around to feel you plant a hard slap across his face “ DO NOT SPEAK TO MY BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. YOU FUCKED UP AND DECIDED TO SKREWED A SKANK. HE HAS TREATED ME GOOD. HE PUTS ME FIRST UNLIKE YOU WHO ALWAYS THOUGHT ABOUT ME AS SOON AS IT DIDN’T WORK IN YOUR FAVOR. And you know what they say. Good guys finish last. Oh wait you always finished first didn’t you? After about 5 minutes of unsatisfying pumps that felt like you where having a seizure.” You say to him with a sickenly sweet smile spread across your face. You see his face turn 7 diffrent shades of red before storming off. You hear Jhope burst out into a parade of laughter. “You called me your boyfriend and hinted at us you know… fucking. Even though none of that was true. Just so you know it took every bone in my body not to nail him but seeing as how I’m a nice guy” he ends with a wink. You smile and grab his hand whisper suggestivly into ear “Ya know some of that can change to the truth if you’d like. His eyes open wide and he practical drags you to his card. The whole way home his eyes keep trailing up and down your body his hand squeezing yours.

-kinda smutty ending with it being interrupted so stop if minor reading bc still smutty- AS you reach your house you feel Hoseok pick you up wrapping your slender legs around his waste. He hungrily places kisses along your jaw as he makes his way to your room. He places you gentally on the bed before laying over you kissing all the spots in your clothes that had holes. Spending special attention to the rips on your thighs and lower stomach. You feel a wet spot starting to form on your pants. You blush embarrassed by the newly forming spot hoping he doesn’t notice. But to your despair his does looking up at you with his eyes dark with a new side of him you know you are soon to experience. He crawls back up your body swiftly removing your shirt and his following yours. You feel his hard member pressing against your stomach. You flip yourselfs around and lay on top of him. Pressing kisses along his jaw down his throat sucking softly on the skin surely to form a little bruise. He tucks his head back letting out a deep groan. You keep kissing down his body until you reach his waist. You look up at him seeing his head back and mouth open in bliss over feeling you kiss him all over. You tug gently at his pants his head snapping up seeing you smile innocently at him. He takes a in a sharp breath and you pull down his pants to expose his painfully hard member peeking up through the stop of his low waisted underwear. You lick the precum beading on the tip. Sending your name out of his mouth in a voice you’ve never heard from him. You take his member in your mouth bobbing your head taking it all and making sure to always go as deep as you could wanting him to feel as good as you can. You feel him start to twitch in your mouth when you get pulled away by a ravenous Hoseok when lays you on your back kissing all the way down before removing your pants and underwear planing a small soft kiss on your warmth. He licks gentally up the slit all the way to suck gentally on your sensitive spot. You open your legs more to give more of yourmself to him he sticks his tongue in making sure to lap up all your juices you feel his name escape your mouth being taken over by a feeling not even Mark made you feel. "Y/N you taste amazing” You feel him speaking sending vibrations through your body causing your legs to clench around his head. He sticks to fingers in curling them and pumping at a perfectly slow pace making sure to drag out this feeling wanting you just to stay as happy for as long as you can hold you. He grips your thigh with his free hand squeezing sure to leave a bruised form of his fingers. You start riding his fingers feeling your end coming close. He continues to suck and pump his fingers as you ride them at a pace tha he could only imagine how it feels. He moans sending a shock through your body cause you to spill out all over his fingers and mouth. He pulls out his fingers licking the juices off of them before lapping up all your wetness from your center. He crawls up your body to look at you he smiles shyly with his chin still glistening “Y/N seeing as how nice guys finish last I think it’s only fair if you would be my girlfriend for real. Also I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t mean for that to happen I got carried away.” You smile at him bringing him in for a kiss tasting yourself on his lips “Of course I’d love it. Who else would be such a good guy. ” You here snickers from th3 doorway too see Namjoon and Jin holding the small brown puppy. Jin leans into Namjoon speaking in a high pitch feminine voice “oh dear. Our little boy is finally becoming a man.” Namjoon laughs making his voice even deeper “He’s not our little boy anymore he’s out little man.” Your eyes widen as you see the puppy reaching for Hoseok shirt not caring about underwear because his shirt is huge on you. You hear Hoseok clear his throat “I forgot I asked them to buy it for you since you seemed to really like it. So yea I got you a puppy” You reach for the puppy closing the door in Namjoons and Jins face hearing them complain from the other side. You crawl over softly with the puppy in your arms kissing his cheek “Thank you he’s perfect” You say planting a kiss on Jhope cheek. “Y/N I love you.” He stated firmly. You hide your face in the puppy’s neck “I love you too.”

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failinginvestigativejournalist · 7 years

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Dont freak out, itss just writing

i grew up fast (so fast) (too quick nigga) (wish i went through when i was just a bit bigger) can you tell me who the parent is uh ya the first time i drove a whip i was a fuckin kid, (96 suburban nigga) (yo yo, did you tell em why) oh ya shit my fault my mom was bleeding from her chin i dont know what from or what about, scared to death i took that drive to the ER (Medical SHIIIT) (mom got too drunk again and feel out) (wheres dad? in his room his doors locked, figures i dont expect, as i try to knock (no answer nigga) i dont blame em he removes himself from the sitiation so he dont hit her) ya i fucking grew quick, ya i fucking tryed some shit, the first time i dropped out and took some shroomies i was age 6 plus 6, thats 12 for the illiterates, actually aas a matter a fact it was fuckin pleasant as fuck as i drew back the droe and took another hit. now that i think that was the day, older brother came and gave me cig i obliged no way to say nay, i was still trippin and it was a sensational feelin, it left me stumblin and dizzy a head rush like no other i was hooked for live to the day and i dont blame him, i dont think he knew what he had started, adding to the compilation of the monsxter inside that took refuge and started, poison in his mind, the drugs altered his brain activity but he was buckled up and commited to the ride.Shit i just said in third person let me apologize to yall sometimes the ideas flow together like two fortune five mergin, these feels of hate be strong ya im hurtin, i cant blame no one, i cant choose the family i was birthed in, started sniffin ups felt my blood surgin, gotta big head but my nemisis, the evil inside myself was bigger aboutt the size of a white sturgeon, like some northern ish that canadain shit like british columbia or somethin idk, alls i can say is that BC bud out that bitch is my fav to blow, the sour D, diesel to be exact for you niggas who waana try to nit pick or correct my personal facts, let me just speak at you, all the hatin niggas tryin bring me down, bad news, i do drugs like steve from fuckin blues clues, but my rents always on time when that xshits due, any ways i side tracked speaking of tracks just lined some shit up did with speed did with need i did it with tact, im dextrous and shit i always have a unique train of thought oh shit trains again trains derailed at this point hhaaha i crack myself up sometimes with the wit in my words leh-let you in on the pun so you can join in my fun, about the lines the lines are no more you didn arrive in time i promise these raps have rhythm they have rhyme i aint spittin to waste your time, i aint spittin to catch a dime, bag or bitch, it really dont matter, niether last long but they are still my niche, come here bitch come hit this shit, this time dont have a fit, mind over matter just stick yuh nose in these rails sit down for a bit, drink some wata, go to your happy place we are gettin to old for me to have tote on yuh just from hitten lines but i put up wit it, you got that 50 thou boat on yuh, not to mention your ride, that shit is so sweet i cant decidddee which id rather seed, as in inseminate with my seaman as i play the part as a seaman workin for seimans on a marine voyage i aint like you im a higher being, i dont know whatchu talkin whatch your eyes be seein i am a divine heathan i really cant fucking believe a niggas still breathin im a florida boy born and raised, i sit the fuck back drink my beer in the shade, high as i usually am a rinny tin tin rinscotts tale \down the rintin like a shark fin poatched by commercial fisherman thrown in a bin, no regard for life the human race is so greedy, people just aint my type, say what you want i know me best and i know im right. my creative talents on the other hand be outta sight, im my own worst enemy to cross the bridge pay the fee, trollin in the hood for that g, withdrawin, shakin i drop to my knee look up to the sky ask god if he sees. hear the sound of humming, huh must be bees, or im trippin out maybe its a flash back i dont remmember. whats th-this street, tremblin think my heat skipped a bit, or a couple shakinso bad my knes begin to buckle, anxiety can be dibilatated held me back from so much in life thers no debating. unfamiliar route. made it to this bar ordered a stout got to thinking, you may ask what about, this is why i like solitude to be on my own to answer to noone to depend on myself and live it to the fullest while im yung, my mind will reel, replaying all i know every single memory, that im capable of bringing back, i compare my brain to a file cabinet, i keep it hidden like in an office towards the back. A photographic memory is a gift and a curse, ill tell you whatat, if you dont keep it in check you will end up in a herse, sure you can remember the happy shit the good things in your life but you cant fucking forget the huge hits the fucking bad bitch the one who broke your heart? dounno how to forget you but i think i know where to start, i thought it was drugs, i numbed my body with chemicals little did i know with every shot the metaphorical shovel scooped out some more dirt from the inconcievable whole i fuckin dug. my life has been weird kinda like an opriental from a flee market an awkward rug, with no real spot in the house, was always the black sheep in the fam i tryed to tip toe as quiet as a mouse, some tom and jerry shit my mistakes and regrets cbhasing me around like tom the cat from that shit, I hide in my hidey whole, disconeected from any social environmeent i often found myself cryin, but self loathin is kinda like being a a gay with some dicks hes blowin, givin a ski job pitty is the lube hatred is the tube the vessel to carry out a deed the fags not sure about, hes experimentin comparable to some situations in my life cept wont catch me with two dudes in a shower, that was just a metaphor. you feel me? im sure the haters will hop all over that verse but just fuckinh hear me. I got my shades on and these bitches special, haters they block, they keep you no fun, sticklers out of sight out of mind like spf 75 sun block, that industrial shit, factory born hear the lunch bell on the horn, an hour passes the busy bees come back to the floor to join the others to join the masses; the hoard., here the hum of the worker bees at work as they sneek rum in there flasks stuck it in to the hive got it past the queen time to catch a buzz to make this pain stop while i avoid the fuzz the narks at work, cant control it even if they wanted to stop. i dont want to hurt. this was a metaphor for the endless rut of a reality ive become accustomed to; succomed too, the low of the low. comparable to a german trench on the frontlines., my life feels like a conveyer belt, makin the same product running the same direction never really goiong any where, now thats was an analagy, keeping up? yung unsensitive how many? 0 fucks, 0 fucks giveen, 0 blights forgiven, spiteful to death and mornful for noone, nothing left inside just another no-go, malfunctioning product family be like feeling “ i feel like they robbed us” of our brother our son and our friend , dont worry fam im still with you in your hearts up to the end. im tired of our society with all its malice and fallacy, thinking to my self how sad it must be, to be washed in the brain to be hypnotized, this shits so insane.you want that shit super sized? of course nigga watchu you sayin. A glutonous society obsessed with self indulgence people actually still believe good people are in abundance. Speaking of which, fuck the people for a tec, have you looked around lately, this earth is a wreck, mark my words we headin straight for destruction, We are not being good care takers, we fuckckin actin so careless what doesdo the opeople in power really expect?? just pass it on to the next generation “ohh, its not our life time we will leave it for you” Thats a big fuck you to the generations after you undeserving self entitled fucks finallyy croak. get the fuck outa here, tell me when you sold your sold, you heartlesxs bastards would give anything for xsome more of that paper thgat rules all, the pressure you have put on everyone, no one is an exception, to support ourselves and loved ones to provide for our own and multiple other peoples nees, the urge to make money looms over our heads like a pestiliant storm cloud of angst and uncertainty, boreing a fucking whole in our moral, making peoplpe desperaate rising crime rates because people get desperate, people need to survive and they will do dam near whatever it takess to make the money they need, for whatever purpose. ill whipe my ass with it throw in your cards i will win you better fold. i have freeedom, you ask what? anominity you fuckers, i can moldd my own life i have the freedomm of choosing, i certainly dont have to wait for legislation to pass a bill which you bribed for votes to do so anyways, to do something something much worse than im capabloe of ever doing, intentionally ruining the environment and turning our planet to mars just for paper with and idea (with a “hey, take our word for it, its worth something “””WE PROMISE”””” fucks) behind it not even gold bars, fuck you niggas mark my words illl bring all you mother fuckers down, ill run you fucks out of town, you hear that sound? its a train. its my passion and my determination to take you out, maybe ill use a fuckin plane? i mean its o.k. for the CIA to do it, right? Create this ridiculously elaborote ruse this plot, thyat fucking fooled all the ignorant and brainwashed americans you have already sucked in with your cancerous propaganda, kids lost to your bullshit through social media and the fucking criteria you make teachers teach young minds, we are taught from a very young age that “ huraaahh america is number one! Terrorists bad! Environmental destruction of a planet good!” how about we help some of the third woorld countries (which you know we wouldnt have to be gunning down women and children in the streets) we could just like give them the water they need? help them gentrify there communities teach them how to develop better skills, teach them more efficient ways to take advantage of their land, maybe bring some seeds to food sources that can be grown creating a bit of self sustainability that may not be indigenous but would grow in their country?? you greedy fucks just want oil, when we have enough in our reserves in alaska/canada to last north america 500 years falsey blame others, create an imaginary war “the war on terrorism, which infact is a fucking cover a false entity, to entice patriotism to loosely keep this crumbling empire together the last attempt, the only thread left in the button holding up the pants we call america, you forgot to tell the word all that shit is just whack [ simply a meticulously pplanned and executed ploy to spur interests in the middle east, control the oil and power will return back east, return to u, Cause god knows you tax the fuck out of us for EVERYTHING especially mnother fucking gas, so we can pay for wellfare and pay for fucking solar power for rich fucks who e==inherited wealth, people who hdont know what working a day means and never will be, never had a problem, never been broke “oh shit my fucking croket set is missingg a ball” lose the pretense fuckers, you cocksuckers, arrogant low lives.. Money makes you any better then the hard working man that cover your tax breaks pay like our fucking ppolice forces (who are a bunch of ROTC drop outs with a badge and sense of power nnow being unfair and crooked taking some kind of revenge on the idea of the kids who picked on them all through out school” Motherfucker its harder to become a plumber, the learning and process is longer/more rigorous then a 6 month police academy which is fucking my lil pony world ( ith ink there is a fantasy kids show for my lil pony with their own fantasy dimension/world)compared to a military bootcamp. A doctrine instilled to stop the spread of communisim wherever and whenever it may presenet itsxelf? when is the fighting going to stop in that area of our dying earth, thjey have been fighting eachother since lifes initial birth, what whoever was in power or in charge of trading the petroleumn to us wanted to charge an extra dollar 4 dollars aBARREL instead of 3??? whaa you fucking greedy cunts,? so we invade and take control put there people on dog collars?? for wshat a dollar difference in productionfreedom of speech as you mothers suck the livlyhood from our home like a blood sucking leech, so careless, you know exactly what your doing, you just dont care it aint your problem your headin towardcs the end your death is brewin, well im the reaper of death cloaked in black i always get my man like a cold inwe can hardly co-exist and efficiently function. We are on world one love bob marley shit im getting tired of going throught the motions im all fucked up inside and shit. Early development can be a lynch pin. to either set a strong first corner stone, ceremonial placement of the first corner stone, free mason shit, corn and vegetable oil, so many customs and traditions are goin down a fuckin hill catch em rollin. Early life is so fucking critical for a young kid, childrens minds are like a sponge they are looking up to their elders they are developing mentally they consume everything around them and retain more than you know, give your kids a healthy and stimulating environment and they will let there talents grow let there talents show let there brilliance flow let there inhibitions go, gone like dust in the wind, never catch em in trouble nothing, not one sin. They will begin to get older, be super organized, super focused for school, every class haxs a folder. As you watch them grow you will feel it in your heart you will fuckin kno, atleast you did this at least you used your parental guidance for good. when you die you know youll be missed, your kid dont throw fits, not one bit, hes such a chip off the old block that was cliche as fuck haha tuck em inh for bed his forhead you kiss. I just might fucking shed a tear, I cant fight this urge to drink a beer. I cant deny this fucking fear, I must look like just like headlights shinin onm a deer, jock strap aroun d my ankles, dumbfounded, look in my eyes, perplexed, look on my face as it hits, you get a certain taste in your mouth this race is coming to a close suddenly your filled with doubht, seriously you should be care free, yuou did your duty as a parent, im jealous wish that was me, chill the fuck out go drink some fucking relaxing tea or something, sobrietyy seems to be a good mixture along with love and rationality to make a family function like a well greased machine, like a mechanisim freshly whipped down with some white lithium grease. tuned and ready to go, temped to huff the fumes and left everything go, turn your car on shut the garage door, let death grip you, dont seem to care anymore, I cant change the past and i have no regreats, will i make it to thirty? “right over here people!” “place your bets!”, ill take my tickets to my Life Show and just scalp em make some extra cash, im already absent, so detatched;incapable of feeling. even if im there aint nothing going on emotionally in there (guarantee you im smilin an nodding i really dont give 2 fucks no more”, take that money right to the plug i promote fucking drugs not hugs, or why not both? why does the saying have to be one or the other when sxometimes its both you desire the most. Take the scalpin’ money from the tickets to the play of my life, go on down to the hood, pick up some bags mis amigos habla “Drogas” los hermanos tambien, this urge is hard to fight. Its a romance [a ritual of being, so0mething un explainable i wish i was never a part of, im always metaphorically bleeding. My poker face is strong, fuck showing weakness i alwayxs thought it was to show emotuion. wrong....... but its not, it can save your life, can \get you through, throw you a life jacket, get you out of that tide you fought, that frigid water no warmer than dry eyes.. Ive always been a loose cannon, I go with the flow, not lookin back, been chillin with the old heads they were suprisxed i could hang and, back to the point haha literally or figuratively is the question... im not gonna keep you waitin or leave yall hangin, i hate cliff hangers, make me wait 45 five minutes leave me jonesin’ its slow goin like grindin that ‘crete in the hangers polishin’ that baby out and coatin with some apoxy, its a process, i just get my drugs, whate=vers around and hit bangersz til i pass out, thatsx how my life has been goingg, i feel like im in the chambers just waiting to be gassed out. Flip the fuuckin switch you fuckin pussy end all this malcontent and hate, make itt black, eternal reest at loast.. dress me up real nice maybe a sharp vest, go through the processions and go through the motions fucking burn my body bitches, i want to be in the ocean ive always felt drawn to it, like an unexplainable,, unatainable unfakeable feeling or notion. im happiest sippin a coctail right by the ocean, thats where you put me to rest... ill be pissed as fuck dont treat me like a fucking ruck; i beenn aroound, age is but a number, my knowledge is vast and profound, ya thats right bitch im fuckin educated, know more tthan you will learn in your life time and im 20 years, old get what im sayin? i dont got a big heaad im actually humble, just at my breaking point. if i was a volcanoe you would feel the rumble; the pre-emptive signs of an eruption pre-determineed in the creator’s mind he took his divine time to find a wayy to grin away the time it took to find the book i bind when al i want is to be stress free and unwind but im the opposite wound up liike the grandfather clock i wish i could stop , the wheels are in motion the gears are set to full speed the feels keep comin i got this itch; this notion, this inkling to stop minglin, stop wastin my time with u useless fuccks. i think its time, its not the end my journey, just started this epic tale of sorrow, my feelings have departed, im fuckingg frozen over colder than ice, dry ice. cant touch me im full of hate and vice, addictive personality on a suicide mission like a ffucking missionary willing to die for his faithh,. i wish man willing to be a martyr for his religion.. ya bitch i smoke stoges in the hotel room just send the bill to him if it comes to me itll end up in the fucking rubbish bin with a looggie on top coughin up brown shit to young for that talk, to young for heart disease pack and a half a day to try to keep my miind at ease, the stress is buildin im like a tickin time bomb, im so wound up like a clock rigged to blow mount vesuvius, a test nuke... the alarm is soundinn off. A bright flash like a million lightning strikes, bout to pop off.. but atleast with style got my limited eddition nikes, listen to me i soound like them, listen to me bitching like a fucking fem, bottle it up, thats what society saays, male suicide is at an all time high like two polar opposites due to wed, its never gonna work im always going to be sad im always going to hurt, no fuck it, im a lock it up and throw away the key, im gonna forget about all this shit and be a fuckin G, be hardcore like the brothhers, leave bitches cryin in the street like aall our fuckin mothers, 32 degrees ferenhiet tatted on my left pec it signifies the tempture of my heart no longer warm and red, its frozen over, it hardly beats, that shit is smaler than the grinches, i turned into what they want me to be, a danger to society, getthe fuck outa myface before i shoo,t b, I got nothing to lose, living for nothing, nada, goose eggs nigga dont give a fuck reckless, no regard for life i dont give two fucks a partridge in a ghetto street, aint no merry christmas song, i like my biches thick and dirty wearin'n some fesh tomy thongs, i use em abuse and enthuse them then ruse thm excusse them fuckin confusethem "why you so distaant all of the suden" keep the vow of silence, like a monk on a holy missio, a friar on a divine quest, sending telepathic messages look into my eyes and see, get the fuck out i was never real these feelings meant nothing to me manipulator, manipulationist making up woprds never been a relationist, the masster of his craft a ventrilliquist or a puppet master you were to blind to see, mama was right just a socio path, ya bitch tell your 7 year old child that; see how long his chipper attitude lasts, im lower than nothing, not even a worm maybe i could bbe a fucking tick suckin blood, noting left of the kid i used to be, no more self worth, i cant love you when i cant love myself, how you expect me to support you when all i do is grab a spoon andd melt all the money thaat comes my way, a junkie, bum destined for an early death and you think yous my bride to be, sorry hun you reaad me wrong, i know its hard cause bitches never know whats goin on inside my head, as i lay in bea,d staring off to somewhere, anywhere but next toyou, staring off into space thinking about my drug abuse, asking myself why, but i know the answer ready to die, but i think ill get a lapper frm one more danceer, i wanna go out in style, not som lame shit maybe go up to a mountain and stand on a cliff, look down, see wher im destined to end up as i take the safety off, finger carressing the trigger, a cool wind blows as i prepare to leave my loved ones bitter, surprised they sstayed aound thislong only ever let em down ever since i was young, never good enough always disappointing this rap comes so easily writing it like noothing, to get this off my chest as theend comes near, i shaped my own destiny i chose to die, now i chose to die here, fuk your beliefs and your faith in gods plan i took my life intomy own fucking hands, i think we all know einstiens theory of insanity, i been doin the same shit fr so long now exspectin shit to change and, i guess im insane.. i took my brilliiant, my sharp mind and put it to waste. its time to pull the inevitable, the good die young idk in this case if thats viable, im scummy i did whatever it took to get my fix to kill that pitt in my tummy. i hurt people close, i stole from my famil.y.. its time to end it, like i caqme into the world, by myself always alone, soemthing that my father toldme that really stuck, its cynical as fuck, but he was right. he said stay out of the bullshit the groggy muck. Only lookout for yourself son, ive been arounnd awhile, [people dont give a fuck about anyone else they care only for themselves, in the end at the most critical time they will always choose them instead of some one else. We are alone in this wrld and its the hard truth jut learn not to ddepend on others while you are still in your youth, ive been fucked over to many times by people i thought i was very close to. now im out to get mines me and only me you and only you, get that fucking look on ur face sorry for beeing real and telling the truth, im trying to prepare your for whats ahead, im tryig to prevent you from depending on a brutus who will fill you with lead, stab you in the back for their own personnal gain, being to trustworthy is a heroic flaw like being egotistical, wanting to help your friends to much, being aragont ect. kryptonite to super man pease dont be batman and let it be yourr bane, bane as in the villian to let you know. im back, here are my words again not my dads, ji really do miss all the relationships i had, havent spoken to my dad in years tookk one for theteam stayed with mama dukese inj the ssplit to save faace, foir my innocent younger brothers. you know what shes also my motheer, shes not capable of surviving alone i didnt think i would abandon her ever i thought id never do that, i stuck with her out of evveryone, a family oof six she looked out for me in times of strife wish i could give her one last kiss, just shot my last 20 and i fucin missed, absesses dont matte any more i bet this 45 shoots true time for the finale, no way i can miss, as the curtains close on my young life one last thought people really took to me, like white on rice, women were drawn to me the mystery i had them enticced, June baby as a cancer i am hard to understand i met a chick once who had a spot in my liifes bnd, she knew me we had a connection so much love we were never disrespectin im glad i could atleast i could teach hersome shit before she ripped my beeating heart out of my chest and stepped on it. Loved hermore than life and i still do i promised her one day i would find her and marry her, walkher down that isle say the words ido, she felt what i felt i know its tru, wasnt ready fgor commitment baby i wil alwayslove yo never orget you if i can i connect with you, like a disease i infected you i aways broght you downi was just baggage extra wait holing you down dragging around im glad youo saw through my snake charming ways saw me for who i was a bumm who couldnt change noot in a short number of days, someone so crippled by pain and grief it was beyond belief, she was the only one i wore my heart on my sleeve for , she lef me sobbinig, crrying violently without end in the door the doorway to more pain. i know she had no choice she had to live her lifee i was just in he way, i was obscuring her focus. eye on the prize isthe only way to achieve your goals and tnt them fuckin boulders, in your way, today i die babe, long time comin bet yall thought i was here to stay. baby l dontshed a tear kno i died drinkin a beer haha but nah you were my last thoughts thinking about all the time we spent getting lost in eachothers eyes and gettin so close we read eachothers thougts, illl miss or idk if ill be concious or just nothjingness, i guess ill fnd out when i finally stop being a pussy and proced with this, see ya velma ill always be your shaggy thinka bout me and dont forget what i made you see, in your self im just another memory on our shelf but let it bbe one thaat sticks we had somethingthat made ssense just clicks somethin that felt so right im really gonn miss, everythinig abnout you im sorry you couldnt trust me but i dont doubt why. i know the truth ive never denied a thing in my life, dont getme wrong everybody tells a little white lie, but you know what its a sign of intelligence not to be afraid to say idk not to lie for the hll of it. Ill see you soon in the nxt life or two i hope reincarnatiuon has a possibility of being true, godbye cruel world th ride is over it was a hell of a whirl, i leave you with absolutely nohing conntributted i was just a part o the cancer people had to live with, butnever acknowledgedd, acted ignoant to ther surroundings as daddy paid for college, i burned bright and hot and had a lot of fun, i had alot of life experienc got alot of shit done, nothing productivee of course in ssocieties eyes but i did fullfill atleast some personal goals, important things in my eyes, the curtains are almost done descending as my pittiful life is ending, but keep your pitty mother fuckers i dont want shit from any of you i dont give yoou nothin dont be so self righteous you look like a bunch of fools, greive for me or celebrate my life i guess its on you how you chhoose to rfemmeber a nobody that nobody knew, a couple feet before the curtains drop, is that? myy eyes decieving? me? no i do see that a single rose descends from the skies, i stare intently at the work of art, a rose is soo beautiful, a representation of love, from the heart, so delicate with its velvet petals, easily ruined a boket wouldve been nice, but who am i fooling, thats a beautiful thing, that was really nice. the product bubbles as i take my last hit of ice, cant takemy eyes off that rose.. its so beautiful... the gun on my forhead now, looking at each individual pedals.. dew from the early mornin forming a small puddle around that naturral phenom, that iconic organic, spectaacular symbol of sometthing real, somethin that matters, something sensual.

As the bits of his brain splatter behid him, arms spread; with grace, almost angelic.he falls off the ciff a hundred feet now for falling, weird but there was a look of peace in his eyes; on his face, maybe he wll finally find happiness.. he fell with nobility and so much grace the floor he hit, his finall restingplace, what cuold be a better box then a natural setting, a beaauty of nature, crawling all around and he will return to the earth, the mother wll take him back just as she gave birth, i thinnk this shit is over now its not my story to tell, inside voices kids no reason to yell. shhhhhhhhhhh.

dont depend dont believe the [enter here]

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