#bc it got really suffocating to not have anyone to talk to about it

[ssss3r4ph1mmmmmm]

Anyone Else But You

pairing: neteyam x omatikaya!fem!reader

summary: you and neteyam have always been really good friends, and after a night where the two of you do something that friends aren't supposed to do, well.

wc: 2101

warnings: implied smut, unplanned pregnancy, kinda angst

a/n: trying something different! kinda got bored with some of my stories bc it felt like i was writing the same story over and over, so i thought it'd be fun to do something like this lol. inspired by Juno (2007)

It all started with a night out. 

After a long day of running around and attending to your respective duties, Neteyam invited you on a late night forest excursion. You followed him through the forest, holding his hand as he led you to one of the nearby water reservoirs. It’s a blur after that, being pushed into the water, pulling Neteyam in with you, laughing when he sputters out water. 

You half remember whatever lame excuse you made for stripping off your clothes, hanging them on a branch to dry, encouraging Neteyam to do the same. You definitely remember what happened after that, the scorching heat spreading between the two of you despite being submerged in cool water. 

But neither of you acknowledge what happened that night, both too embarrassed to address the feelings you obviously share. Regardless of that, things are pretty normal between you. Even Kiri, your best friend (and his sister), didn’t suspect anything. The Great Mother has different plans for you, though. 

Something isn’t right, you’re constantly bloated, you wake up sick every morning, and once eclipse passes you’re practically crawling to your hammock to go to bed. Eventually your mother gets tired of it, sends you to Mo’at as soon as you wake up, telling you not to come back until you’ve taken some medicine. 

You tell Mo’at what’s wrong, letting her poke and prod at you, expecting her to give you medicine for eating something bad by accident. You never considered the alternative.

“Congratulations, Eywa has blessed you,” she says, reorganizing her tools as you sit dumbly on a woven mat. 

“Blessed me? Food poisoning is more of a curse if you ask me,” you say, not understanding her words. 

“You are not sick, you are with child,” she restates it, completely nonchalant.

“What?” You ask, voice a whisper as you try to process the information. 

“Pregnant, there is a baby growing inside of you and it will eventually be outside of you, and you will take care of it,” she says, voice muffled as your ears start to ring. 

You don’t say anything, only nodding your head before leaving the hut, ignoring Kiri on your way out. She follows after you, worried when you don’t acknowledge her, visibly distressed as you walk into the forest. Her calls of your name fall on deaf ears, finally catching up to you when you trip on a root. 

“What is wrong?” Kiri asks, breathing deeply to catch her breath, not expecting to have to chase you. 

“Pregnant,” is all you say, sitting against a tree. 

“Pregnant? Who is pregnant?” Kiri asks, confused.

“Me,” you answer, staring at the sky through branches and leaves to avoid her gaze.

“You? But you are not mated, are you sure?” She asks, and the severity of your situation suffocates you.

“Your grandmother said so herself,” you say, and she can’t argue with that. Mo’at is never wrong. 

“Who–” but you already know what she’s asking. 

“I do not want to talk about him,” you cut her off, because there’s no way you tell her about Neteyam without facing her extreme judgement. 

“Fine, you do not have to tell me who he is, but you will have to tell him that he is going to be a father,” she says, giving you a stern look. 

“Do I?” You whine, dropping your head back against the tree. 

“Yes,” she says, pinching your arm for even joking about not telling him.

“Ow!” You wince, holding your arm away from her. 

“Shut up, come on. We need to head back,” she says, standing up and extending a hand to help you up. 

“Fine,” you say, accepting her help.

You trudge behind her, thoughts whirling inside your head as you think of what to do next. After you run into a few trees, Kiri makes you walk in front of her, since you’re clearly too distracted to pay attention to where you’re going. When you see a hut at the edge of the forest, you decide to just tell her, not wanting to do it in the middle of the village. 

“Neteyam is the father,” you say, stopping abruptly in front of her. 

“No way,” she laughs, moving in front of you. “Right?” She asks, turning around when you don’t follow her or tell her it was a joke. “Oh Eywa, you are serious!”

“It was one time!” 

“One time too many!”

“I see that now!”

“Hindsight is 20/20!”

“What does that even mean?” You ask, still not used to her odd expressions.

“I actually do not know, but my dad says it when stuff like this happens,” Kiri answers, voice resigned. “So, how are you going to tell him?”

“He is hunting today?” You ask, already thinking of a plan. 

“Yes,” she answers, watching you begin to walk slowly towards the village. 

“Then I will tell him when he comes back,” you decide, leaving Kiri to follow behind you. 

“Just like that?” She asks, unsure if you actually will. 

“Just like that,” you answer, steeling yourself for the conversation you’ll be having with Neteyam later on. 

Kiri returns to her grandmother’s hut, expected to assist her for the day. You get to your own work, finishing early so that you have time to set up. With a rolled up, old hammock tucked under your arm, you make your way to the creek Neteyam always goes to after a hunt. 

You’re able to set up the hammock over the small stream, relaxing into the soft netting as you wait for him to show up. It’s rather peaceful, the sounds of the forest and the running water lulling you into a light sleep as you gently sway side to side in the hammock, but you’re still able to pick up on the sounds of someone approaching. 

“What are you doing here?” Neteyam asks, finding you laying in the hammock.

“Waiting for you,” you answer, watching him step into the water. 

“This is nice. Did you hang it up yourself?” He asks, feeling the hammock, stopping its movement.

“Yeah,” you answer, and you’re not sure if the sudden nausea is from the baby or nerves. “I am with child.”

“What?” He asks, eyes widened and ears perked up in shock. 

“Your grandmother told me this morning,” you say, fiddling with a frayed part of the netting. “I should go,” you say, sitting up and moving to leave when he doesn’t say anything. “Sorry for having sex with you, I know it was not your idea,” you say, rolling out of the hammock and walking away.

“Wait, whose idea was it?” He asks, turning around as you leave. “Whose idea was it?” He asks again when you don’t answer, left standing alone in the creek. 

Kiri is with you when you tell your parents, and surprisingly so is Tuk. You pace nervously back and forth inside the hut, your parents sitting worriedly in front of you. 

“Are you dying?” Your mother asks, assuming the worst.

“I think Mo’at would have told you if I was dying,” you say, your words coming out harsher than intended. 

“Just tell us what is wrong,” your father says, letting out a deep sigh as you continue pacing. 

“I am pregnant,” you say, and your parents are silent as you take a seat in front of Kiri.

“Pregnant?” Tuk whispers to Kiri.

“It means she is going to have a baby,” Kiri explains to her. 

“I know what pregnant means! She just doesn’t look it,” Tuk says, her voice cutting through the awkward silence. 

“Who is the father?” Your father asks, finally speaking. 

“Neteyam,” you say, looking away and missing your parents’ shocked faces. 

“I know right!” Kiri says when your dad looks to her.

“Sorry, he just does not seem like the type,” he explains when you shoot him a look.

“So, are you two going to,” your mother trails off, not wanting to finish the question. 

“I do not know,” you say, holding Kiri’s hand when she rests it on your shoulder comfortingly. 

“No matter. We need to change your diet, start making a prrsmung,” your mother says, going over how you must prepare for the baby. 

It doesn’t take long for word to spread through the village. It’s how Jake and Neytiri find out, hearing the whispers when they come back from a hunt. They’re not sure how to approach the subject, tiptoeing around it once they’re all back at the hut. 

“Is there anything you wanna tell us, boy?” Jake asks him, watching his oldest son act as if the whole village isn’t talking about his future child. 

“Ma Jake,” Neytiri warns him, his words coming out harsher than they should.

“Not really,” Neteyam answers, because there is truly nothing he wants to tell them.

“Not even that you got some girl pregnant?” Jake asks, angered by his son’s response. 

“Hey! She is not just some girl, she is my friend,” Kiri says, coming to your defense, while Lo'ak just snickers, distracted from whatever game he was playing with Tuk. 

“Doesn’t matter. You need to make this right,” Jake says, talking to Neteyam at the end. 

“There is no making it right,” Neytiri says, because even though you’re young and unmated, it isn’t a terrible thing.

“Yes, there is. Bond with her,” Jake says, despite Neytiri’s protest.

“She does not want me,” Neteyam says through gritted teeth.

His family falls silent at his words, not having considered what you wanted. 

It’s awkward seeing you in the village. You never exchange more than a few words before you’re making an excuse to leave. Kiri spends more time with you, but only tells him what he needs to know about his child, never anything about you. 

He’s supposed to be on a hunt, but after seeing you go into the forest, he couldn’t help but follow you. Your labors are nearing, and although they are not urgently approaching, he still doesn’t deem it safe enough for you to be going into the forest alone. He tries to be silent, but it doesn’t take long for you to realize he’s there. 

“If you are going to follow me, at least make yourself useful!” You call out to him, standing by a tree. 

“Of course,” Neteyam says, coming out from his hiding spot to catch up with you. “What do you need me to do?” He asks once he’s beside you. 

“Can you pick up that feather for me?” You ask, pointing to a bright feather sticking out from beneath a tree. 

“That is all?” He asks, laughing, but bending down nonetheless to grab it for you. 

“Shut up, it is getting harder for me to move as I once did,” you grumble, taking the feather from his hand when he holds it out to you. 

“Then maybe you should not go into the forest alone,” he says, following you as you begin walking again.

“I have two outfits to make for the festival once the great hunt is over, and I will not have time to gather materials once our child is born,” you explain, eyes downcast to search for more feathers.

“You would have plenty of time if we were together,” Neteyam says, and you stop in your tracks at his words. 

“Neteyam,” you sigh, turning around to face him. “I will not keep you from your child,” you begin to say, but he interrupts you. 

“That is not what I worry about,” he says, hands gently cupping your face as he gets closer to you. “I worry about you, I worry about us. We should be together.”

“No, and I will not hear anymore of this,” you say, hands moving his away from your face, putting distance between the two of you. 

“Why not?” He asks, his eyes welling with tears at your rejection. “You have never given me a reason.”

“I do not want you to be with me just because you feel like you have to,” you explain, twirling the feather nervously between your fingers. 

“I have never imagined spending my life with anyone else but you,” Neteyam says, your heart beating faster at his words.

“Really?” You ask, voice a whisper from his confession.

“Of course,” he says, reassuring you.

“Can you ever forgive me?” You ask, wrapping your arms around him as he pulls you into his embrace. 

“For what?” He asks, confused. 

“For driving you away,” you explain, savoring his warmth. 

“I cannot forgive you for something you have not done,” he says, holding you as close as he can despite the obstacle between you.

#neteyam x reader #neteyam sully x reader #neteyam x you #neteyam x y/n #neteyam sully x you #neteyam sully x y/n #neteyam imagine #neteyam fanfiction #neteyam fanfic #neteyam fic #avatar x reader #avatar x you #avatar x y/n #atwow x reader #atwow x you #atwow x y/n #atwow imagines #atwow fanfiction #atwow neteyam #avatar neteyam #neteyam #neteyam sully #neteyam te suli tsyeyk'itan

[bindeds]

explaining my musical-only lucifer magne/morningstar playlist bc i would be confused too if i just happened to chance upon this on spotify BUT I HAVE EXPLANATIONS I PROMISE

quick disclaimer before i start, this playlist is still a wip and these are just my headcanons of lucifer’s story from his pov! i just wanted to share because i wasn’t sure if anyone’s done anything like this (and i may have hyperfixated on this instead of falling asleep, whoops.)

i grew up on theatre so a lot of these songs mean a great deal to me, though some of the movie versions are here instead of the animated films (for disney only) because i simply prefer the movie versions.

i arranged the playlist according to the (rough) order of events, meaning i’ll be going section by section which represents each stage of his story. i won’t be going through every single song but majority of the time, the titles explain themselves but i will be talking about the songs that stand out to me.

of course, we have his heaven era, which has two subparts—his admiration for heaven but his hopes and dreams for a brighter future for the world they’ll make.

speaking of subparts, lmk if you want a part 2 of this as i’ll only be covering the ‘first arc’ of this backstory in this post and i have songs all the way up until the hotel becomes successful (which hasn’t happened yet, i know. but sometimes i am hopeful.)

i feel like honor to us all not only represents how lucifer had to conform to the other angels’ way of thinking but also just how rigid the rules and system of heaven is. the entire song, mulan gets told that she must be this or that and a lot of it are almost impossible standards, and i imagine lucifer, especially being the dreamer that he is, found it even just a little suffocating in the beginning and of course it grew worse as time went on.

“men (god) want girls (angels) in good taste; calm, obedient who work fast paced”

i imagine the angel’s got to properly see the wonderful things lucifer was capable of before he started talking about them and i think the greatest show represents that well.

a million dreams is obviously a song that can describe lucifer’s many creative ideas and goals for the new world they’re going to make soon.

— mother knows best is where his pure admiration becomes unstable doubt as it’s god/the angels shutting lucifer down on his ideas (and possibly gaslighting him into making him feel ashamed for having ideas.)

proud of your boy is lucifer listening to god at first, seeing as being an angel is all he’s ever known, of course his first instinct was to obey god and listen to the other angels.

waving through a window describes lucifer’s struggle with being shut down and being forced to essentially hide who he is, and since he was no longer allowed to take part in the making of man, he was on the ‘outside looking in.’ lucifer also gave the angels reasons to stare at him and cast him out when he shared his ideas so the first line fits perfectly.

“give them no reason to stare; no slipping up if you slip away, so i’ve got nothing to share. no i’ve got nothing to say.”

“we start with stars in our eyes; we start believing that we belong; but every song doesn’t rise, and no one tells you where you went wrong.”

“when you’re falling in a forest, and there’s nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a sound? did i even make a sound, did i even make a sound, it’s like i never made a sound—will i ever make a sound?”

— DEFINITELY represents how he was casted down into heaven later on, and he wonders if he ever even mattered to the angels, if he made even just one valuable contribution in their eyes, so maybe they can reconsider and see that he could be forgiven.

waiting on a miracle definitely refers to him being a part of the angels and yet they don’t quite treat him with the same respect just because of his ideas, and him ultimately hoping that he can go back to being or feeling loved by god wholly.

“don’t be upset, or mad at all; don’t feel regret, or sad at all. hey i’m still apart of the family madrigal (angels) …”

“and i’m fine, i am totally fine; i will stand on the side as you shine … i’m not fine, i’m not fine.” — ‘shine’ could refer to the archangels making the new world without him.

“i can’t move the mountains; i can’t make the flowers bloom, i can’t stay another night up in my room”

— of course this isn’t about lucifer being unable to do things, but i think it could mean that unlike the other angels, he’s just not comfortable bending completely to god’s command if he has genuinely good ideas to offer. but of course, no one listens to him.

i’d like to think almost there is both about lucifer almost getting the whole ‘conforming to the angel’s rigid rules’ thing right, AND refining his ideas so that maybe heaven doesn’t find them so outlandish and they won’t cast him out again, even if the chances are highly unlikely. judging from just how reluctantly he was to let charlie go to heaven that time, it seemed that lucifer really was as hopeful or even more hopeful than charlie was that heaven would listen to anyone with good intentions, especially their own angels.

when will my life begin and naughty come hand in hand with the former being lucifer trying to convince himself that things are good as it is even if it doesn’t feel like it, and the latter being about two things; 1, to stop sulking about his current situation—2, actually doing something about it, thus the decision he made to visit the garden of eden (because i assume he wasn’t allowed to enter for obvious reasons) where he met lilith and began to spend time with her.

touch the sky is about lucifer getting to explore and spread his wings in eden.

something there and can you feel the love tonight is just two love songs i really like for lilith and lucifer as lilith representing belle, the beauty, is just so accurate and makes so much sense as she was made by god to be ‘the perfect woman,’ even if things didn’t turn out that way. and of course, beast represents lucifer very well because later on lucifer ends up being the devil, the worst ‘beast’ of them all.

defying gravity is lucifer’s first proper realization that heaven’s prejudice against him doesn’t matter and that he should still try to pursue his wonders despite it all. i would also like to think that lilith helped me realize this; that if lilith can make him feel this amazing and this loved being on her own, then imagine the things others can do when they too, like lilith, take matters in their own hands. thus, i headcanon that the idea of free will might have been inspired by lilith caring for lucifer. (i am a hopeless romantic like that.)

“i’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s (god’s) game.”

“as someone (god) told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.”

“and if i’m flying solo, at least i’m flying free”

— if lucifer is the only one who will support himself, at least he is no longer bound the rules that suppress him and who he is as a person/divine being.

“to those who ground me, take a message back from me; tell them how i am defying gravity.”

“and soon i’ll match them in renown.”

— and soon, lucifer will be just as good or even better than the angels who helped make the earth.

the other side is SO definitely about lucifer convincing (or maybe even seducing) eve into biting the apple of free will.

“you run with me, and i can cut you free, out of the drudgery and walls you keep in.”

— drudgery and walls very much referring to having to submit to adam and not knowing the taste of free will. same with ‘same old part you gotta play’ that plays during the chorus

“and if it’s crazy, live a little crazy; you can play it sensible, a king of conventional—or you can risk it all and see.”

— i don’t know. this quote struck me as so, authentically lucifer, the subtle playfulness in both the lyric choice and the tune towards the end.

“is this really how you’d like to spend your days, whiskey and misery, and parties and plays?”

— i can see lucifer saying this to eve 100% because it’s completely reasonable to be skeptical of a man you just met, so this could be him trying to further convince eve.

“if i were mixed up with you, i’d be the talk of the town (angels), disgraced and disowned”

— eve fighting back. though similar to how this song ends, eve gives in eventually … but i do headcanon that lucifer offered eve’s first act of free will to be either to reject or accept to have sex with him, just because i really like the idea of lucifer getting back at those who made the first humans without him by seducing both of adam’s wives.

h

story of tonight is lucifer knowing that his consequences have actions, and even if his plan works, heaven wouldn’t be happy about him disobeying their orders. but at this point, lilith had been the only person to fullyaccept him for who he is, and he realizes it’s not worth conforming to the rules of people who force you to be someone you’re not.

“raise a glass to freedom; something they can never take away, no matter what they tell you.”

— definitely lucifer raising a glass to lilith and eve, because they’re most likely more free from heaven’s clutches compared to him, and both of them have discovered free will at this point already.

if you’re still here, my god, thank you so much!! please let me know if you’d like to see me explain the rest of my playlist, and here’s the link again if you’d like to check it out on spotify :)

#hazbin hotel fandom #hazbin hotel #hazbin lucifer #lucifer hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel fanfiction #lucifer morningstar #lucifer magne #lucifer x reader #hazbin hotel headcanon #hazbin hotel finale #( ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 hazbin hcs. )

[worstghost]

OMG could u write Alejandro when reader gets shot during battle/a mission? (headcanons).

Just angst angst angst with fluffff.

I love alejandro sm, Im living from crumbs of the same fics bc nobody writes neww oness😭😭😭💀💀.

i don't think this is my best, and I'm not very good at angst, but I still loved writing it and I'm sorry it turned into a drabble instead of headcanons, I got carried away 😭 (also sorry again if the spanish is incorrect, i dont trust google translate)

♡You and Alejandro don't get along. It's well known across 141, Los Vaqueros, anyone who sees you two work together.

♡You're constantly bickering, (Soap calls it flirting but you're quick to shut him up), even going as far as insulting each other when you're really low.

♡The issue is you're too similar, too snarky, too confident. You can only one up each other so many times before something breaks. No one can decide if they want it to break though.

The team is holed up in a small home on the edge of town, regrouping and planning the next move and Alejandro is trying to talk to you, but you keep rejecting all of his attempts, and you both know now isn't the time but something finally snaps.

And then he's yelling that "You're being stupid, and you need to listen to me, I know what I'm talking about-"

And you shout back with a low blow, "Of course you know everything, you could fit an entire encyclopedia in that big head of yours-"

His mouth snaps shut, teeth clicking together, and Soap barks out a laugh behind you, and Ghost finally steps in, moving up to you with a loud "Enough!"

And then, the window across from you shatters, and you feel the shot before you hear it.

You're thrown back into the wall, searing pain shooting through your shoulder, down your spine. The air is knocked from your lungs.

It's chaos, panic, Alejandro grabs you and pulls you across the room with him, away from the windows.

You can't swallow the spit in your mouth, you can't think. You just watch as the team huddles around you, Ghost shouting commands and you don't know if he said 'Get up and move' or 'Fuck we're screwed', it's all the same.

Alejandro is pressing his hands against your shoulder, you grit your teeth and dig your nails into his wrist. He takes it and keeps talking to you, telling you to keep your eyes open and on him, look at him, and you do and everything feels different like this. He's so different like this. You can see the panic in his eyes and you feel like you're suffocating against him, clinging to his arms.

He let's you, in fact, he pulls you closer, grasping your face in his hand. "Look at me, cariño, I'm going to get you out of here." It's so gentle, like you'd never seen him before.

You blink, and you're in a stark white room, sunlight peeking through cheap polyester curtains and everything smells like sterile cleaning products and it makes you nauseous.

He's been waiting for you, in the med bay, he doesn't want you to wake up alone. While he's sitting or pacing, he thinks of how things could have been different. If instead of berating you for being stubborn, he had complimented you on your willpower. Or instead of pushing you aside in missions, he had told you he couldn't stand the thought of you getting hurt. So many things he could have done differently, and now he's here, waiting for you to wake up so he can explain himself.

And you do, and when you roll your head to the side and see him your face visibly relaxes, and a wave of relief washes over him.

You're not angry at least, that's all he could ask for.

Alejandro slides his chair closer to the bed and brushes strands of hair from your eyes, trying to think of where to start. You look tired, your lips are chapped and your hair is a mess, but he thinks you still look so beautiful now that you're awake.

"Me asustaste, cariño." He huffs out a laugh at the bewildered expression on your face, sliding his fingers down to touch your jaw.

"I scared you? Alejandro, I thought my last words were going to be telling you you have a fat head."

You join him in laughing, your voice shaky, and he leans in to press his forehead to yours, sharing a breath.

"All is forgiven, as long as you don't try to leave me again." He sighs into you, feeling you nod against him.

Things are definitely different now, but it's not a bad thing.

#cod #cod mw2 #x reader #imagine #alejandro vargas x reader #cod imagine #anon ask #mw2 #call of duty #call of duty one shot #drabble #alejandro vargas x you #request

[eijiroukiriot]

why do you see bkg as trans?

i've had this ask sitting in my drafts since like august BECAUSE i knew if i did the question justice it was gonna get VERY long and pretty personal - if i'm gonna talk about it then i gotta talk about it in all earnest. and you've given me the floor to talk about it. so!!

at first i had these typed out as two separate points but i think they go a lot more hand-in-hand than that, so to start - when i think about my own gender and why i can't bring myself to identify fully with womanhood a lot of it is because there's something that feels so free about masculinity. mostly just like because of womanhood on a societal level a lot of my experience as a girl forever has been "you need to think about how your existence makes other people feel. you really need to present yourself in a way that's pleasant for other people. the way you look, the way you talk, the way you conduct yourself - people are entitled to having a say in all that. and if any of that isn't living up to the way it's supposed to be, then that's a fault of yours." here's a vent post i made when i was 17:

which is mostly really superficial examples of the suffocating expectation of girlhood but it's also so blatantly about bkg. in the moment my thought process was more like "i'm so deeply unsatisfied with so many parts of being a girl, it sounds like there'd be so many less people to answer to if i were a boy" but it's funny reading back on it bc it's like "dude are you just talking about bkg". but then who's a better example of choosing to stomp through life exactly as loud and rude as he wants to be without answering to anyone than bakugou katsuki!! honest about his thoughts in any case!! free to speak as bluntly and rudely as he wants!! never putting up with shit that makes him feel unlike himself!! walks with big wide steps and wears stupid baggy clothes and doesn't care what people have to say about it and doesn't feel worse if they do disagree. grins crazy blasting himself through the air. fights with big windup swings and shouts all the while. huge huge presence and so unafraid to assert it. named himself great・explosion・murder・god dynamight. i think i project a big sense of defiance onto bkg's character because everything he is just feels so defiant to me. there's just a lot that i admire about boyhood and bkg feels like the embodiment of it to me

and then you've got bkg himself, who like- isn't even fulfilling the "doesn't feel worse about himself if he is genuinely not the greatest or kindest" part of it!! bkg's character is so centered around figuring out who he is and like navigating through the mortifying ordeal of existing and not actually liking the person you are and trying to figure out where to go from there- he really thinks he has so much to prove...both in the sense that he DOES want to project this big image and also that he really can't cut himself a break. and then he freaks out when he's not becoming the person he wants to be and picks a fight with deku over it and totally breaks down and picks himself back up and forces himself to seriously rewire the entire view of himself and others that he's had his entire life - he's 16 - and goes to all this teeth-clenching effort to be a better person and has highs and lows and wears himself raw and then comes back to life. well the quality of the later part of his arc is very debatable. but his character is so about just figuring out who he is and kind of failing at it a lot of the time. and then eventually figuring it out and getting confident and stable in it. he makes friends who rib on him because they know he's got a good heart under it all, and moreover he lets them. he gets good at shouting something back and carrying on. you see the amount of conscious thinking it takes him to take some of those steps - rethinking his relationship with deku, the god am i really fucking doing this scoff before he gives kirishima back the money - but a lot of it is just steady growth. growing up. genuinely getting more comfortable and more okay with himself over time. but there's also all these little failures along the way because he's just a kid figuring it out, and also genuinely this anger towards the world for not understanding it when he does assert himself (sports festival....where deku also specifically notes that he knows he's not as confident as he wants to be!)

i haven't really closely reread bnha in a sec so a lot of this is probably a lot of projecting (i know it's undeniably influenced by the picture of bkg i have in my head) and i probably also didn't really clarify anything, because in the end everything bakugou is feels very trans to me. "the image you have of bkg katsuki in your head can actually be so personal" etc. digging into my archives i found this post from years back where i described basically the same stuff about bkg being a teen figuring himself out and saying "so yeah he's trans" without being able to hit it more on the head. kirishima is my favorite most special boy of all time, and i love him in so many ways, but bkg is my cringefail stinky teen boy in w the unshatterable determination to actually go MAKE himself the person he wants to be, no matter how many missteps he makes on the way there. it brings me a lot of comfort to imagine him being a self-made man as a part of the because gender is so confusing and questioning can be so intense. i'm 23 and i'm typing all this about an anime boy so i hope it's evident what a soul-bearingly honest answer this is bc otherwise oh haha embarrassing. but yeah i love that kid. i hope every little victory and day where his voice sounds good to him and glance of his top scars in the mirror feels like one of the high points on the journey

#bc i'm teaching in japan now right? trying every day to be a version of myself that i enjoy and that can bring good to the world etc #and i never...almost NEVER talk about my hero academia. with anyone #like a year ago in a jet dnd group i was telling a friend abt how i don't talk about bnha in class #and i said something about how like putting kirishima in a slideshow of mine would be like 'bearing a deep dark part of my soul' #and she was like. what? how? it's my hero academia #i agree. i also think i should be more like 'my hero academia is a show i like. i like bkg bc he's cool' #it really is just very important to me after all this time #anyway this is a lottttt a lot of personal rambling for a blog that i don't take as good care of as i should #but i couldn't give half an answer #ty for giving me a chance to talk about this and if you are seeing this i hope you're having a nice fall!!! #to anyone reading this i hope you're having a nice fall #asks

[julietasgf]

hey its the plinth family anon! i really enjoyed and appreciated your long answers to my questions! I guess only Suzanne knows why on earth Ma stayed with Strabo... I am curious about whether Ma's parents and siblings would have taken her in if she had left Strabo though. In the book, she had one sister who still kept in touch with her so I wonder if that sister would have been willing to take her in if she had left Strabo? Tbh I'd be pretty confused if Ma's parents and siblings didn't want to take her in if she left Strabo because she may have married a scumbag but by leaving him, at least she kinda sees the light and is escaping him? why wouldn't her family want to help her then? I'm so curious about your hcs for how Ma and Strabo met and why Ma is so loyal/in love with him! you mentioned sejanus and coriolanus and keeping the cycle going, so does this mean you hc Ma and Strabo to have met and befriended each other when one of them was going through a hard time? seeing Ma trying to ignore all of Strabo's wrongdoings is making me think of this tiktok i saw where it said something like "you don't have to lie to women, if she likes you enough she'll lie to herself"...it's kinda mind-boggling to me how tightly Ma is clinging onto Strabo, like did this man save her from certain death when they were younger or something???

hello anon!! I'm so glad you appreciated the long answers bc I'm too talkative and if you let me, I'll talk endlessly about this stuff, I actually have to look back and be like "okay, now I'm talking too much, let's stop here" 😭 but I saw that it got accidentally sent your other thoughts, so I'm going to answer both in only this post, I hope that's okay by you :D

there's some stuff in the book that makes me feel like suzanne collins is the type of writer to make the whole background story of side characters, but not show them bc they're unnecessary story wise, you can't tell me she doesn't know exactly what the hell is the plinth backstory in D2 (I think she did it but I just can't prove it....)

I hardly think her family (except, maybe, the sister that still talks to her) would take her in, imo. D2 seem like a district that it's full of proud people, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but strabo being a dick is not the worst part of this marriage: is that he betrayed the whole district. the plinths are despised back in two. I think ma's family didn't like him from the start, but he was not the worst; he was the worst when he betrayed everyone, and when she chose to not leave him, she made her choice of who her loyalty lays with. it's with him, not with them. and besides, taking back a plinth (even if it's an ex-plinth) and welcoming her in their home would definitely not be seen with good eyes.

(maybe it's a bit of self-projecting, but where I live, it's much more common for the woman to still keep in contact and close with her family, not the man; I grew up with my cousins from my mother's side and I hardly know anyone from my father's side. siding with your husband in a situation like this would be seen as a BIG offense, something that's very much unforgivable. I could see that being the case)

now, from now on, there's a lot of my personal headcanons and thoughts bc I'm OBSESSED with the plinths and their life in D2:

OKAY SO there's a very, very small and discreet line on the ma plinth study I wrote that goes like: "vesta had dreams, even if her father rolled his eyes at most of them." I actually plan to write something from strabo's pov and explore more about this, but basically, I think ma plinth had a not very good relationship with her parents, and most of all, with her father (the cycle keeps on cycling). I think her family was overprotective and she felt suffocated (I think she was the youngest, the baby sibling, and this just made everything much worse). now, I have exactly in my mind how I think they met: ma plinth went with her father to the city center, and her father was searching for a gun to buy to leave at home as a way to protect the family. the plinths didn't have an industry yet; it was little more than a small thing, where they built some modest models to sell. strabo was there. he was talking to her father, and then turned to her and asked if she would like anything. her father made a comment diminishing her, saying that she was too dense to understand about guns, and poor ma was so embarassed even though used to it because her father always do that kind of thing, but to her surprise, strabo plinth didn't laugh. he looked at her father very seriously and said that she looked smart enough to understand about it, and if someone has hands, that person can shoot well.

he was the first person to actually defend her in front of her father from these kind of "jokes" and comments. not even her sisters or her own mother had done that before, all too terrified to say something. and that was enough.

about strabo and his siblings: fucked up shit happened. let's go about my personal hcs about him and his family: he's the only son of his father and his mother, but his mother died and his father married again when he was around 5 or 6. his father and his stepmother had two other kids. he never had a good relationship with his stepmother and he resents his father very much for marrying shortly after the death of his mother (omg cinderella hiiii). strabo was the eldest, he had to basically raise his half-siblings as his father was always at their small industry and his stepmother worked for endless hours. he learned to shoot from a young age to know how to protect them. he didn't hate his half-siblings, but he was tired of having to carry all the responsability on his shoulders, especially when they still had a loving mother while he didn't. it seemed so unfair.

(the sad part is that his half-siblings did look up to him. they loved him. they saw him as an example.)

his father got sick when he was a teen and he started to work hard on their small factory. and strabo has a lot of flaws, but let me tell you something: that man works hard. he worked enough to make their small shop rather famous in D2, and worked enough to pay for everything his father needed to while sick. his half-siblings never were interested in the industry, and neither was his stepmother, so when his father died when strabo was in his late teens, he was pissed off that his stepmother wanted to inherit the factory. they never worked a single day on it while he kept it going on. his half-siblings tried to reason with him, but he was just so angry, and a lot of hurtful things were said. in the end, strabo got the factory, but he left home and never came back. he said things that were too cruel to his half-siblings, the kind of thing that they could never really forgive.

ma is very family-oriented and couldn't really understand why strabo resented his half-siblings so much (specially because she also had family issues, being close with her sisters was what kept her going on), but she tries to have empathy with it, knowing people react in different ways to different things. I can totally see her one day trying to bring the subject of in-laws and strabo just looking so annoyed and resented that she knows that there's bad blood involved.

(it's so ironic to me that she didn't understand how he was so resented with his half-siblings, but in the future, her own sisters were as resented with her)

strabo is genuinely so interesting, I really wish to know what went through his mind, or just know more from his canon backstory, what made him make the choices he made. he's ruthless and cold, he sold guns to people that hated his guts and hated where he's from. he didn't betray a single person, he betrayed his whole PEOPLE. but he seems to care about ma and sejanus to a certain level, in his twisted way. he moved to the capitol thinking about giving them a better life, and still, he's hated by his own son, the one he thought he was protecting by moving to the capitol. ouch.

#tbosas #tbosas movie #ma plinth #strabo plinth #sejanus plinth #plinth family #hcs #headcanons #if there's someone who'll overthink about the plinths that's me #this is so long #sorry

[transfemmbeatrice]

parker's personal much ado primer

i'm gonna keep posting much ado shit so here is some background on my personal favorite interpretation of the characters; this is not a primer on the actual play and these opinions somewhat differ from my like. canonical readings of these characters. this is what my personal action figures are like when i'm talking about aus. i'm mostly leaving physical descriptions out bc they can vary quite a bit.

when i say "we" i mean me and my wonderful spouse @zaxal because so much of this we sort of developed together over the years and none of these characters would be quite who they are to me without them.

Beatrice: beatrice is a trans woman to me!! i talked about this a bunch here. she will also always have red hair to me (thanks catherine tate for that one). she's hot, she's confident, she doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks about her, she has relatively good judgement, she sometimes struggles to be vulnerable or soft with other people, she loves hero more than anything. she's also arrogant as hell! and often quite angry. beatrice is all fire all the time, she is alive and loud and proud and really likes having the last word. you will always know when she is in the room.

Benedick: oh this man is such a slut. grade a whore. pansexual as shit too. always cracking jokes to cover his own insecurities, desperately needs to be liked or if not that at least the center of attention--even if people don't like him, if they're thinking about him and watching him, that's good enough. he loves being witty and he is prideful and acts somewhat detached when in reality he feels things the Most and gets desperately attached to people and doesn't truly believe they could love him back.

Pedro: strong sense of duty. pedro is one that tends to vary more wildly because we've fallen into "suffocated by responsibility and shitty father, actually kinda shy and dumb and kind" which i love but in the play he is mostly just kinda shitty but i don't WANT him to be, so sometimes we try to lean more into the shitty side of him but often he is an earnest idiot (affectionate)

John: as mentioned in my beatrice post, i hc him as a trans man! sometimes more genderfluid or nonbinary. he's quiet, serious, and calm, and has been done fucking dirty by his dad/the world. generally our thought is that he was raised by his mom until about age 12 when she died and he got dumped on the palace steps and the king extremely resented taking him in and everyone was shitty to him because he's illegitimate. everyone thinks he's a villain and he knows he'll never convince them otherwise so he doesn't try; he just keeps to himself and doesn't form many attachments.

Hero: usually soft spoken but whip smart, doesn't like a lot of attention, stem major, big lesbian facing comphet vibes. she and beatrice are basically sisters. she's insightful but she doesn't share those insights with most people, and is by far the one who calls beatrice on her shit the most. we've ended up friendshipping hero and john because they're both such flat characters who exist at the whims of others and i love the idea of two wallflowers finding each other.

Claudio: obviously the villain. there are lots of different approaches to this--he might be an entitled golden boy, or a rich kid not used to hearing no, or an incel--but essentially he's a bully. i think its most interesting when he appears very nice at first and then when there's any amount of pushback things get ugly but i hate him so much i often make him pretty rancid from the start.

Margaret: outgoing and fairly relaxed, a jock, bi, in love with hero.

Conrade: john's bf, utterly loyal, and by a twist of fate it has become a running joke that he has tumblr disease (purple eyes/white hair). we usually depict him as similar to john--stolid, serious, not interested in taking anyone's shit, but lately i've been wondering if maybe he should be the bright sunshine in contrast to john.

Borachio: essentially a stray dog john and conrade adopted. he comes and goes. he's a mess.

Antonio: beatrice's surrogate parent, and elder queer genderfuck who uses ve/vir pronouns. general chaos agent.

ship abbreviations:

b&b: beatrice/benedick bbp: beatrice/benedick/pedro benepedro: take a guess beap: beatrice/pedro heromeg: hero/margaret johnrade: john/conrade

#much ado #you are ALWAYS free to come into my inbox to ask questions or talk about these blorbos #the other characters we don't play with as much so they're not super developed beyond their play versions #but imogen very much exists in my mind #and don't get me started on the hellions...

[hard--headed--woman]

I struggle to sympathize with detrans people especially bc I made a lot of trans/enby friends on TikTok before I peaked, and it’s impossible to get through to them even simple stuff. I get some certain situations like homophobic parents or being young af, etc. but there has to start being some personal accountability put in place, especially now that this stuff has gotten more mainstream now. If one is putting all these hormones in the body, and getting these surgeries and ppl in their life are telling them hey wait or think, and they’re pushed as bigoted, who’s to blame five years when the regret settles in? How far should we be pushing this? I feel like in the US ppl have gotten comfortable blaming everything on capitalism or racism (and I say this as a black woman) but there are fine lines. I can’t lay down on the street rn then blame a car when I get hit. It’s sad but it’s true.

It's a complicated subject and I don't want to get into victim blaming by saying that detrans people got what they deserved and that they should have thought twice about it, and so on. We all know that the pressure of the TQ+ community is extremely powerful, that it forbids anyone to criticize anything that concerns it, or even to question anything; it acts like a cult and when you're in it, it's hard to realize all the fucked-up aspects of this community, and that therefore it's easy to go with the flow and make mistakes without realizing how serious they are. All it takes is for someone to start frequenting the tq+ side of the internet at a very young age (as many people do) and/or feel very bad about themselves/come from a homophobic family etc... and then it's unfortunately very easy for them to fall into the trap of trans ideology and start transitioning. Especially as supporters of gender ideology insist that any criticism of transitioning or transidentity is bigotry, encourage people to block "terfs" because "they just want you dead and don't know what they're talking about, it's just hate, don't listen to what they're saying!", and encourage people to stay locked in their bubble, isolating them from any outside criticism or opinion. It then becomes very difficult for people to question anything, to have access to different opinions, to criticism, to people explaining what's wrong with the transition. It's really hard to realize what you're doing when you're stuck in a cult. Add to that the misogyny and suffocating homopyobia of society and the result is conducive to falling into the trap. So I completely understand the detrans people and support them; I'm glad they've managed to escape this ideology and detransition.

I think that yes, there's a certain amount of personal responsibility to be admitted, especially for people who transitioned at over 25, because it's too easy to blame everything and everyone without saying "yes, I made a mistake even if it wasn't entirely my fault", but I wouldn't go so far as to say that detrans people should be totally blamed.

#anon #asks

[ninjasmudge]

I once talked to a friend about this but here we go.

Lego animation has been suffocating itself with it past animation style for a long time,,, don’t get me wrong they have told and expressed beautiful stories like ninjago or Legends of Chima with it along with selling their merchandise but the Lego company’s past but this animation style has been slowly suffocating their stories to death. Thanks to the animation changes and comedy they did with LMK not only has the story and characters thrived but breathed new life into not only Lego but also journey to the west on top of it and put it on a trending list. But what did they do differently besides the animation and the comedy? In short they didn’t recycle human Lego designs, they allowed characters to have fingers and heads that weren’t recycled human Lego head pieces and even gave them tails and inhuman legs like the legs they gave to Azure Lion along with claws. If they did this change with Legends of Chima instead of it getting canceled by it’s crappy animation style it could have had as many seasons as Ninjago. Also if anyone who has power in the Lego Corporation see this,,, here is some wise advice, just because that old animation style worked with Ninjago doesn’t mean it will work universally with every idea you guys come up with,,, don’t believe me? Reanimate the Chima cartoon for one episode in a better and more detailed style and and give the animal characters more details along with a more fluid animation style,,, you can make more money and revive a nearly forgotten section of Lego in one swoop.

gotta admit that i watched all of ninjago because a dream advertised it to me, (never really got into the fandom,) and although the style has a certian charm that you get used to, its got NOTHING on something as well animated and visually distinct as lmk

it was a GREAT choice for the show, the first digital painting i ever did was bc the backgrounds of lmk were so good and i wanted to try

#lego monkie kid spoilers #monkie kid spoilers #lmk s4 spoilers #mk #ask

[misteria247]

i go to you and @sapphiretanto for anything i don’t know that’s leo related or just cool hc in general. sorry for breaking you with the leo and the cold questions lmao but i was thinking, in space he suffocated, and mikey in season two episode 3 almost drowns bc the squirrel things grabbed him by the neck, making it hard to breathe in the first place, and then dragged him under water, probably making him panic and start to drown, what’s your take on them being afraid of suffocating and are the other two boys affected similarly with something like that?

SGSHSGSGSGSH I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY ORANGE SON TOO NOOO WHY DO YOU GOTTA REMIND ME OF THINGS-

(Baby brother really do be following big brother's example in this area huh????? Someone needs to get these kids into therapy plz-)

Hmmmm with Leo as I stated in the last ask, he'd probably stiffen up when it comes to this and would lowkey get incredibly uneasy and might even trigger an episode of nasty memories if it's too much.

Mikey on the other hand.......he'd probably try to downplay just how effected he actually is. He's the youngest after all, the mischievous one, the one who helps keep his big brothers spirits high when things are going to hell. He's the emotional support that his big brothers desperately need and if Mikey's down it could make his older brothers who are already carrying the whole world on their shoulders even more stressed and upset and that's the last thing Mikey wants. So much like Leo, he wouldn't let on that something was wrong. But when he's pushed to that brink it'd be a panic response. If something small and squirrel sized came running at him he'd just.....shut down and freeze. Heart racing, fear gripping him as he remembers being choked and dragged into water by the hellish little monsters. He'd get phantom like feelings of tiny little hands on his throat, choking him and cutting off his air supply and it's suddenly hard to breathe he needs help please someone help him kind of thing. And much like Leo, despite his best efforts his brothers would definitely find out and they'd be crushed by it.

Raph much like with Leo, would be angry that Mikey didn't say anything about it. He'd be angry that Mikey tried to downplay just how terrified of water and squirrels he actually is. He'd be so angry at himself especially because he had failed Mikey, he'd failed to protect his baby brother from harm and he's now paying the price and Raph would absolutely hate himself to the highest degree. Donnie he'd just completely shut down mentally and instantly start to try and figure out how he can help Mikey because he didn't notice Mikey's unease and he's supposed to be smart and know these things how could he fail his baby brother, his partner in crime so badly?????? And Leo........good God. Leo who's the mother hen and eldest child of the boys, Leo who's only wish and mission in life is to protect his little brothers from harm and to keep them safe. It'd be like his world shattering and waves of guilt drowning him because he'd failed to do the one thing he'd sworn to do and that's something that'll haunt him forever.

As for the other two Raph's definitely got a heightened sense of fear towards bugs. After having a mutaed cockroach try to kill him and his brothers, an alien bug trying to pick a fight with him and several other instances involving the creepy crawlies, Raph's definitely got a freak out mode for them. If he even gets touched by one he's most likely instantly as stiff as a bored and he's nauseous, his skin literally feels like it's beginning to crawl and he's desperately wanting to scratch at his arms to get rid of the phantom sensations of bugs crawling on his skin. It's a horrific experience for him and he's literally on the verge of a breakdown. Like I'm talking hyperventilating kind of breakdown. Dude can't even be touched by anyone cuz it's just so incredibly intense.

Donnie's most likely got a deep rooted fear towards April. Though not in the way that you'd think at first. Despite knowing that April wasn't completely herself at the time, Donnie can't help but get a bit uneasy whenever his friend starts to lose her temper. It's incredibly rare for her to do so thankfully, however when she does and it's to the point where things are floating and flying around in her fury, Donnie would instantly get tunnel vision of sorts. Kinda an out of body type of deal, where all he can think about is his best friend, the love of his life holding a glowing crystal. Of her losing herself to her rage due to its influence and quite literally tearing Donnie apart down to his very atoms, essentially killing him even if it was only for a brief time. It's the kind of fear that's born from uneasiness from a rather brutal death and extremely traumatic experience. And of course he hides this from April with everything he has because he doesn't blame her, not one bit.

#oli talks #ooc #muns ramblings #mindless ramblings of a madman #asks #ask and you shall receive #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #tmnt #rottmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2k12 #teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012 #tmnt 2012 spoilers #tmnt leo #tmnt raph #tmnt donnie #tmnt mikey #tmnt april #tmnt apritello #my head canons #kinda #Don't apologize cuz I'm just as horrible as everyone else in this fandom lol #I've already talked about the Donnie head canon before but I like to explore the psychological effects of the event lol

[fluffypotatey]

Hello again! I hope your month is good to you. Let's talk about Ao Lie! I often wonder why Amnesic Wukong didn't mention him, other than a spoiler, but then I start to think that maybe Ao Lie's unnoticeability was deliberately cultivated. From what I've gleaned, this guy was punished because he wrecked his house and his father's treasury, especially a pearl gifted from the Jade Emperor himself, though the last one is debatable.

Maybe Ao Lie's home life was like Mei's, surrounded by the legacy of the dragon family name with the pressure to uphold it and its dignity, only, Mei's parents truly love and support her even if they don't understand her, but Ao Lie didn't have that. So the pressure got to him, and he had a mental breakdown and started wrecking shit because he had been avoiding the feeling of suffocating under stress until it exploded. This idea is from a fic but I think the trigger for that started with the pearl from JE.

So when the breakdown died down, this guy was standing amongst the wreckage, and goes "oh I gotta GO" and booked it before anyone important could catch him, and had been in hiding ever since, avoiding his family and their associates. In the s4 special flashback, we see Ao Lie approach the SWK and Trip in dragon form first before shifting back to human form. Maybe at first he thought they were looking for him in behalf of his family?

Anyway, he went with them because he feels that his hiding place might be compromised, and during the whole journey he let himself be overlooked to not draw attention to himself. And this continues after afterwards with him not using the family name and just taking the generic Chinese word for "dragon" instead.

Tldr; Ao Lie chose to be overlooked and almost forgotten because he'd rather have that than being used to prop and show off a name that was suffocating him, and has mad a habit of going under the radar.

This is all speculation and headcanon, of course, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Also some people refer to Mei as "hyperactive voice of reason with a taste for violence" and I give you Ao Lie "chill voice of reason with a taste for arson".

Have a great month! Eat your fruits.

Ayo! I am very tired rn ✌️ physicallay bc had ppl over and washing the dishes post-party sucks

ANYWAY

“chill voice of reason with a taste for arson” <- see, this was why Sun Wukong and Ao Lie were such good friends 💅

ok, I have to admit that my knowledge of the dragon in JTTW is lackluster BUT I will do my best to analyze his lmk version 🫡 tbh when it comes to the jttw companions i base a lot of their characterizations on what their representation is. for example: while I don’t really study lmk!Sun Wukong on his allegorical self, I do take that aspect of him into consideration when examining his character.

so, when it comes to Ao Lie, he was the personification of the Human Will, aka will power! with him being Tripitaka’s horse, he is physically leading the monk to his destination similar to how it is a human’s will power that allows them to carry on and go through the day (or week or year or hour or something). additionally, the horse/dragon only acts when there is no other way. Monkey King is gone bc plot reasons, Pigsy/Zhu Baije was captured, Sandy/Sha Wujing is either also captured or left to find the preoccupied monkey. Tripitaka’s mind has left him, his heart/desires are futile in helping free him from his demons— basically, the monk is at rock bottom with none of his previously helpful companions to aid him….he is alone and left with nothing BUT his will power (dragon horse, aka Ao Lie) to keep going and get out of the rut.

what I’m trying to say is, Ao Lie with the JTTW companions likely only acts when no one else can. it was fun to see Mei and her ancestor clash like that because Mei is so used to acting first and always being there to protect, meanwhile we have Ao Lie who also wants to protect but is more cautious about it. he has definitely been in enough situations to be more conservative on when to use his dragon form and powers.

and yeah, idk i don’t see his aversion for using his powers has anything to do with being caught by his family that he left. I could be remembering wrong, but didn’t his family banish him in the book? idk, I skimmed that part 😅 but uh…..

WHICH LEADS US TO HIS SPECULATIVE BACKSTORY 👀 so yeah, based on the JTTW books, Ao Lie’s character caused a huge scene enough to get him banished and sent to some river, meeting Guanyin who assigned him the role of being one of Tripitaka’s companions. while lmk does hold true to the core and thematic feels of JTTW, it also takes its own spin on certain story events or plots to their own liking (see Red Son’s whole Samadhi Fire backstory that is very different from the book). so I can definitely see lmk having Ao Lie’s home life to reflect Mei’s with distinct contrast (when Mei’s home got trashed in s1 despite it being her responsibility to look after it, her parents sympathized with her and were more focused on their daughter; Ao Lie setting fire to some very important items that his family was responsible for and was banished by HIS parents for being irresponsible)

one thing I am noticing lmk doing with the “reincarnations” of the JTTW companions is that even if they have a strong connection to their “past life” there is still a distinct difference that makes the lmk characters separate from that past. Pigsy and Zhu Baije both love cooking, but Pigsy is more compassionate and selfless, disliking people who are self-centered and a slob. Tang and Tripitaka are both scholars and cowards and damsels in distress (yes they are no one is allowed to fight me), but Tang is no afraid to give into his desires and even criticizes his past self’s ideology.

[i won’t mention Sandy bc I don’t believe he is a reincarnation]

But yeah, it is fascinating to see how the past and future clash in their ideologies. Especially Mei and Ao Lie because their idea of power and protection is similar yet different! Mei would go through any length to save her friends. Ao Lie is aware if his limits and what greater harm he could cause for his friends if he acted like Mei. (I am too tired to get the quotes from the episode but you know the one. How Ao Lie criticizes Mei for getting caught in her recklessness and how rushing in DIDNT help her or her friends.)

basically, I doubt Ao Lie’s in-show reason for being conservative about his powers has to do with him trying to hide from his family that he fled to avoid punishment. I do believe he saved his dragon abilities because of family drama tho. Also, need more parallels between him and Mei because they make me happy :)

#lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk ao lie #lmk meta #lmk analysis #maybe??? #asks #sorry for any grammar mistakes tis very late for me and I am tired #Tis the witching hour

[ttrpgsmoved]

Tell me about your tav(s)?

i only have 1 (official) tav even though i actually played the game with 3 differents tavs (1 of them being a durge) they just never felt right like kaius did <3. but yea . i have some info on kaius here but i need to update it badly.

(also you just opened pandora's box here ... oh boy)

but i will basically put his whole deal under the read more

spoilers for a lot of end game stuff

so fuck canon basically. kaius was born and raised in athkatla and yknow. athkatla + sorcerers arent really bffs unless youre rich (which they werent) so he was constantly being hidden by his parents. he was fine unless he used his magic, but since he's a draconic sorcerer and has visible scales so guards and the cowled wizards were always keeping an extra eye on him due to his appearance giving away his aptitude to magic. this + being a tiefling didnt help either, so he got in a lot of trouble for no reason, simply bc he is. and his parents worrying too much about him to the point where they were sheltering him. he basically got fed up and bored of his life, there was only so much (secret) reading he could do in order to improve his skills. always stuck inside for the sake of protection, so he went and found others like him in order to actually study and learn magic. and this went on for years basically until this illegal magic ring got found out and it was all man to himself. so he had to run without saying goodbye with nothing but the clothes on his back.

on his travels he came across a circus tent and , since theyre know for hiring anyone he tried his luck and it worked! he just did menial jobs at first. but he started talking to a guy there iren who was also knew but part of the main show (acrobat) and they really hit it off. they started practicing together for shits and gigs but he actually was really good at this and he soon also became a part of the show. iren and kaius became partners and soon got married. the fact that the circus traveled a lot also meant that he gained a lot of magic knowledge without the looming threat of being arrested and sent away. him changing his surname also meant that he could finally contact his parents without them getting into trouble. he did use a different first name, but it was an alias they used multiple times in athkatla due to also being under a lot of scrutiny there, so they got it right away. they got a heartfelt reunion and his parents tried to convince him to come back home with them, but after discovering this new found freedom he simply could not go back to what basically felt like being constantly suffocated. so he chose to stay, not to mention the fact that he did not want to leave his husband behind like that. while there was still a heated argument... after some time things calmed down and eventually they understood. at this point kaius was an adult and they couldnt control him, so they had to learn how to let him go after discovering him again. and it wasnt easy, but they had to. the fact that they kept in touch via letters helped them a little, and sometimes when the circus was close to athkalta he could see them in the audience.

after a while the letters stopped coming and this was because kaius left the circus in order to find out what happened to his missing husband. sometimes they were separated due to the fact that they needed to do different jobs in order to keep the circus going, and traveling apart was part of it. they were never apart for longer than 2 days, and so kaius got worried when the 3rd day hit with no sign of him and so he went out to look for him.

it took way longer than he thought, years went by before he found any sign of what happened, iren was abducted and turned into a mind flayer. and this news devastated him. after years of clinging onto a sliver of hope, it got shattered and while he half expected to find his husband dead, this shit still hurt as turning into a mind flayer was a fate he didnt wish on anyone, let alone his beloved. most of his mourning was almost done at this point, yet he still had grief left in his heart from the discovery BUT fate did not let him mull over it as he also got abducted by mindflayers (and this is where the bg3 story begins basically)

THIS is why the guardian scene hit differently with kaius. the emperor takes the form of iren

who looks like this btw :]

but kaius knew it wasnt him, yet he could not help but trust him, as it is still kind of a raw wound and he could not trust someone who looks like him.

BUT WHEN THE EMPEROR REVEALED HIMSELF AS A MIND FLAYER... ohhh things got fucking choppy... like aWAIT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE IREN?? HIM?? but this was fucked up. at this point kaius has moved on??? and also with gale.... it was a fucking mess. so from the point of the emperor reveal to the emperor = balduran reveal he just felt an insane amount of guilt and anger (at himself) that he could not get over.

ultimately the fact that the emperor fucked with his feelings like this WHILE HE COMFORTED HIM really pissed him off and so... he could not trust him in the end... and freed orpheus (also his bff lae'zel needed this to free her people so. win win.)

so like i really like the aspect of gale and him basically going through a similar situation irt their love life and they kind of help each other in that aspect. they THINK they're using each other to get over their 'exes' but in reality it's a fucking mess of things. they help each other but feel bad about it bc they both think they can be better and are awful people

i could go ONNN about how gale affects kaius and vice versa in their story but this is ALREADYYYY so long so. i will spare you. SORRY I RAMBLED SO BAD LMAO

#ask

[whenfatecollides]

a bit of a vent/update (it’s heavy). I’ve always dreaded the ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ question because I honestly have never been able to picture anything for myself that felt real and tangible and something that I could actually want and achieve in the future. I would be like ‘yeah I want to be dating my future girlfriend by then’ or ‘yeah I want to be working a job that I actually like’ or ‘yeah I want to feel like I’m doing something meaningful with my life by then’ but it was all very superficial in a way, it felt like I was saying rehearsed words and although those are still things that I want, there’s a lot more detail to them now. tbh since I finished high school (almost 10 years ago at this point..) that I’ve felt really behind in life compared to my friends, and other people in general, but at the same time it took me 14/15 years to actually figure out what happened to me when I was a pre-teen and why I spent 10+ years of my life crippled by depression, so all things considered I think I came out of all that pretty okay. I started therapy about 5 years ago and altho it was a slow progress, I can at least say that I’m not on the verge of feeling suicidal anymore. I think being a teen on tumblr in 2010-2013 definitely didn’t help much with that either, the romanticisation of depression and self harm back then was Real and the last thing I should have been exposed to at the time. it was to the point that I actually tried to kill myself when I was 16, right before a family trip. I can talk about this now, but I can tell you all as well, this was a root of deep shame for me until 2020, when I finally had the courage to tell my mom and siblings about it, because it made me feel so ungrateful, stupid and generally a shit person for not appreciating everything good that I had, while at the same time it made me hate myself for not actually going through it fully, to the point that I always thought that I would take this to my grave without letting anyone know. at this point, I’ve forgiven myself for it and acknowledged that, despite how hurtful it was, this is a common pain and, unfortunately, many people know it too. No matter how much I convinced myself of it back then, I was never alone in that pain. At the same time I made really great friends here (some I’ve been friends with for over 10 years now), even met some of them in real life, and it was overall the place that made me feel comfortable enough to consider (and accept) that maybe I wasn’t straight. so not everything was bad.

it was a few weeks into 2022 when I finally figured out what had happened to me, why most of who I was so deeply lost in shame, to the point that it felt like I had been drowning most of my life. there were several things that contributed to it like, giving up who I was out of pressure to please my family (until I was around 23 - constantly hearing ‘you should let your hair grow’, ‘you should dress more like a girl’ etc etc when you’re a 10 year old really does a number), giving up the things I loved in order to pass as “normal”, my father not being emotionally available (or simply available in general tbh - unfortunately too common as well), my mom having to take care of 4 kids and therefore not really being emotionally available either, dealing with womanhood, puberty and all those nice, not at all confusing and hard, things by myself because I thought that if I could just ignore it it would not be real (a nice not at all dumb trait I got from my father - thankfully I’m over that), consequently emotionally abandoning my closest friends bc of all that further isolating myself. and I could go on and on, but the reason why I’m saying all this is that maybe it can spark a light in someone else too. Until this year, I thought that nothing had happened to me, that I had no reason to feel the way I did back then, and it was suffocating to think that while the pain I felt was very real. and you may ask ‘okay, where does shame come into the picture here?’ so here’s a few that I could identify from the things I said above - shame for my sexuality (giving up things I loved to pass as “normal”), shame for being gender non conforming (pressure to please my family), shame for not feeling connected with my parents (having friends who do have good relationships with theirs), shame for not having the life they expect of me, shame for not having the life I think I’m supposed to have to “impress” my friends, therefore hiding away, isolating myself, further convincing myself that no one else was going through the same. until I realised that, of course, I would never find other people talking about how they felt the same, because we were all hiding away.

this isn’t a story about how suddenly I’m cured from depression or anything like that, there’s still days and days, but figuring out why I felt the way I did back then was a major step towards finding healing, and I feel like I’ve been changing very rapidly over the past 5 months because of it. recognizing that my self-criticism was doing more harm than good (I wouldn’t talk to my friends the same way I talk to myself sometimes..), that I can choose self-compassion instead, and the good-old exercising, journaling, reading, eating and sleeping well, really made major differences (as well as keep going to therapy of course, it was important to have someone trained to talk about the really heavy and more complicated stuff).

in the end, this has been a journey towards (re)finding myself, and I finally have an answer to the question that I found so dreadful ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’. and for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid to try, I’m not afraid to fail, I’m not afraid of the set backs I may face. for the first time in my life, I can actually picture a future for myself, and I’m actually excited to see myself getting there. I don’t have it all figured out, but I do know that I’m persistent. in the end, I think this is also a bit of a letter to everyone who’s lost in life, I’m currently 27 and I’m now figuring out a path that I might actually enjoy to take and that makes sense to me. If you’re like me, you probably also feel like you’ve run out of time and that there’s no way you can still turn your life around, but to be honest, who really knows how much time we have left? You make a little bit of time now, and deal with tomorrow, 3 months, 5 years from now, when it comes. I have no idea what turns life will still take and where I’ll end up after all, but I do know that recognizing my pain, owning up to the shameful feelings I had (and still have), accepting my feelings and thoughts as they are (failing a lot and trying again), definitely took me from a drowning person to a vivid swimmer. I’ve always liked to share my thoughts here, but recently having the number of followers increase on this blog has made it feel quite... intimidating to share pieces of my life like before. still, this was something I felt was important for me to share, even if just to say, feeling lost and behind in life is a normal part of the human experience.

#this is also why I haven't been around as much as before #I'm still keeping up with dc and stuff but creating content here is falling a bit on my priority list rn... #people following me for long now know how much time of my life I've dedicated to helping dc grow and succeed #and I don't regret any of it #in the end being their fan was and still is something that was really good for me and I'm sooooooooo thankful #but they're working towards their dreams and now I want to focus on working towards mine as well #will still make content every now and then ofc this isn't a goodbye or anything #but I won't be making like 3 gifsets per day or something like I used to before SKDFJH #anyway if you read all of this thank you and I hope you have a nice day <3 #jt

[hoodiehydra]

Family comfort fics jskskdskjds

Idk maybe an Andro Bros fic (bc there aren't enough of those in the world ngl) where Agoti has to be the one comforting Aldryx

Aldryx blames himself for what happened to them and Agoti needs to reassure him otherwise

YES

Oh my gosh this was almost 1.2K words I am not even joking wth-

Warnings: none. No swearing at all, this is pure angsty comfort.

I put all my big sibling thoughts and feelings into this. This is sometimes how I feel towards my siblings, and I wish my sister would understand how much I care. But- you know, I don’t think she would ever know. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

—————

I’m back, and I’m here to stay.

It’s been a year.

A year.

Yeah.

And in that year, everything changed.

A year since what, though?

Agoti’s return.

Even after that one year, it still hadn’t gone back to normal. At least, to Aldryx. The poor guy was not sitting in his room, crying over the past events during the two years of Agoti’s no-longer-mysterious disappearance. Oh, how he wanted to kill the Dearests so badly… he really would, he, in fact, could. So, what’s stopping him?

Geography. And also a whole load of self-loathing and guilt. He hated feeling this way, but he couldn’t help it. Choking out hushed sobs and tears, he was huddled up in his covers, trying to find warmth and comfort in a piece of fabric. It was all so overwhelming, his thoughts just up in his mind’s personal space. It was suffocating.

He felt so useless when his little brother was gone, he couldn’t do anything, and he knew that. He knew all his contributions had no use in the investigations. At that time, all they could assume was that he was dead. Gone, and without a single trace. Those two years were the worst ones ever. Never seeing his brother again, and he couldn’t help at all, it should have been him. At least, then, he wouldn’t worry about his brother. He would have been safe. Why him?

Sighing softly at how pathetic he felt then, he wiped the last of his tears dry. Can’t have his brother or father worrying, after all.

Grimacing, he stayed in his room, hoping that he would finally be left alone from his thoughts for a while. He needed some space to breathe. But no, all he was thinking was: you let this happen… it should have been you. You are useless, maybe next time you should be the one to be captured. Maybe then no one would need to worry, huh?

Hatred consumed him as the horrid thoughts invaded his mind. He knew they weren’t true, everyone would still worry about him. Especially Agoti. It wouldn’t help anyone but himself to ease off the pain.

But that little part that always was the reason for his self doubt, never gave him an easy time. The words got louder and louder, and he believed them. He believed those toxic words plaguing his mind and it only hurt him more. The feeling was sickening, overwhelming. He didn’t feel like he could turn to anyone about it. He’s the big brother, the strong one, the pillar for his brother. This wasn’t his role. No… he couldn’t be weak. He couldn’t allow himself to feel that small vulnerability, even for a moment. No. He always acted strong, even if he was breaking inside. He couldn’t face the fact that yes, he was not perfect. He has feelings. Valid ones. But it felt so weird to open up, to show how soft or vulnerable you could be, especially to those you were supposed to be strong for.

He hated the feeling in general. It was sickening, awful, it made him feel so anxious and spiteful of his own feelings.

Damn you, emotions and feelings.

Still tangled up in the silk, the background noise was drowned out in his thoughts— funny, the background noise was always someone screaming, didn’t matter who. And yet, he couldn’t hear them. The one time he wished he could hear the noise, and he couldn’t. Talk about awful timing.

Aldryx quietly wept in the room, but he wasn’t the quietest crier. He did have a low volume, but maybe those with sharp hearing could pick up some sounds.

Agoti… his hearing was incredibly sharp. As in, I-can-hear-the-neighbours-arguing-next-door kinda sharp.

At first, Agoti ignored the little weeps for his brother’s privacy. He knew what Aldryx was going through, without asking. It was a special bond the brothers shared, they knew each other so well, even behind closed doors, they could sense what the others was going through.

The more Agoti left his brother alone, however, the longer Aldryx stayed in the room, locked up.

Agoti hated how his brother felt about himself, because it was not at all true. Not even in the slightest.

Finally, he decided to do something about it.

Quietly shuffling towards the door, he gently knocked thrice on the hollow, wooden door.

Aldryx stiffened at the sudden sound, but he already knew who it was and what it meant. Agoti knew.

There was no point in hiding it anymore, he could try to deny it, but what was the point? Agoti knows. If he knows, there is no doubt Solazar knew, but… he would definitely open up to his brother more. It wasn’t that he was mad at Sol or anything, it was just easier to open up to someone nearer his age. Besides, Sol was probably a millennia older than him.

With a soft ‘click’, Aldryx slid open the door for his little brother, but he made a point to cover his face, or his eyes, with the blanket. Agoti made his way in, while Aldryx laid back down on the bed, now soaked with his tears. It was very hot, he was sweating. But it also felt really cold, freezing actually. He didn’t exactly know how to feel about it.

He gave up hiding himself. Why hide when everyone knows the truth?

“I’m guessing this is about my kidnapping?” Agoti asked.

Hesitating, Aldryx nodded.

“And you think this is your fault?” Agoti continued.

Again, Aldryx nodded. Shoot, he didn’t think Agoti would be this specific.

“Look, big brother. I know you were scared when I was gone. I will never know how you felt, and that’s fine. You don’t have to explain, but I’m back. I’m back, and I am here to stay. I will never leave you. I won’t understand how you feel, because I have not gone through what you went through. But I’m here, you can always talk to me. Okay? Stop hiding. It’s been a year, let’s stay as close as we can. I know it’s difficult for you, because it is for me too. But none of this is your fault. Listen to me. None of it is your fault. Fuck the Dearests. It’s them. You did all you could, and I appreciate you for that. Thank you, big brother, for all you did. Thank you.” Agoti murmured.

Whatever Agoti had said had finally caused Aldryx’s thoughts to go silent. It was all quiet. Finally, he was at peace. Both sighed with relief that Aldryx had stopped panicking.

Aldryx looked down, thinking about what Agoti had said, when the younger brother leapt towards Aldryx and hugged him, holding him in a warm and comforting embrace. Aldryx quickly wrapped his arms around his brother, returning the affection, while Agoti’s tail coiled around Aldryx’s now no longer shaking figure.

He was calm.

Agoti was back.

And he was not leaving them again.

And from the open doorway, Solazar softly smiled at the two brothers, happy that Aldryx was now soothed.

They were finally reunited, and nothing would tear them apart again.

—————

GOODBYE THIS WAS SO MUCH WTH 😭😭😭

WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT

#hydra talks #fnf agoti #fnf aldryx #brotherly comfort #andromeda brotherly fluff #glassbreaker’s treasure trove

[unknownperson-is-not-known]

Rating hunter's weapon/skills

Warning: mentions of broken bones, blood, bruise, gore etc etc.... I'm not a doctor so this is probably not accurate

Hell ember

-its a shark plushie....

-the only way he can kill you is that he suffocate you or have ungodly amount of power

-so 0/10

-but if we're talking about his old weapon then.... Yup. It WILL hurt

-you are alive but not thriving

-yes he can use it to kill you but it depends on his force/where he strikes really. 7/10

-his puppet is made out of metal(?) so yeah you will get bruises

Smiley face

-imma be honest idk how it works but it will probably hurt

-but from his animation he's kinda thrusting so the tip is only hitting you also it's blunt so it's more of a bruise

-this sounds dirty out of context but yeah 5/10

-but old weapon.... 10/10 it's literally a CHAINSAW unless you have plot armor

The ripper

-yeah.... About your back

-rip (no pun intended)

-it depends on how hard he hit you

-worst case scenario is that he hit your nerves and stuff (I'm not a med school student don't ask please)

-best case scenario he just scratch your back lol

-6-8/10

-foggy blade is a different story tho.

-ill assume that it's like a force of wind hitting your back which again, depends on distance/how hard etc.

-so for me i think it's just bruise 4/10

Gamekeeper

-do you see that shit????

-it doesn't hit you

-it doesn't hit your spinal cord

-but that shit goes through you 10/10

-but if he hit you then about 6/10

-now Bear traps....

-you won't die (unless you are left to bleed out) but it will hurt so fucking much

-7/10

Violetta

-bruises

-her arm (legs?) Is made out of metal so it's just bruises 4/10

-her web is just going to make your skin very itchy that's for sure 1/10 unless you cannot tolerate it like me then 3/10

-now cacoon death...

-i think you'll die because of lack of air which kinda explain why you die faster than the rocket chair 8/10 not painful as others but is very unique

-im not going to talk about her throwing web though

Geisha

-the most tolerable out of anyone (except hell ember shark plushie lol)

-yes it's hard but hey you live and it won't hurt much like others 1/10

-no butterflies they don't hurt ya

Feaster

-bruises

-it hurts the next day but not the match lol 6/10

-the is way too short so....

-if we considered that he has so much power then... Some broken bones?

Wu Chang

-more bruises 2/10

-ill just assume that their skill just f with your mental health

Photographer

-ah yes everyone favorite short midget bald grandpa with Donald duck colo(u)r palette

-its a sword

-ALSO he actually have training 7/10

-i won't rate photo world

Mad eyes

-our ACTUAL favorite grandpa

-off topic but if you main Chad eyes i respect you and your dedication so much

-but if we are talking about his walls then....10/10 you are dead

-okay so bruises again 6/10

-EDIT: yeah imma change that to 10/10 bc of the steam... Might burn ur skin off

Dream witch (servant)

-pickaxe

-self explanatory really 7/10

Axe boy

-an axe

-7/10

-BUT remember he's a decapitated child so he won't really have much power so 5ish/10

-fire ball jkjk but 2nd degree burns go brrrrr 8/10

Evil reptilian

-kinda like geisha but sharper so 4/10

-okay....

-anyone forbids that this lizard man get presence

-WILL crush you and step on you (lucky simps)

-10/10 ain't no way you are gonna survive

Bloody Queen

-quick question

-how isn't her finger cut off yet????

-shes pretty much a corpse

-4/10

Guard 26

-spike go brrrrr

-yup that's gonna hurt

-6-7/10

-BUT BOMBS!

-Again 2nd degree burns

-7-8 ish /10

"Disciple"

-shes doesn't outright stab you with that so 4/10

-but if she stabs you instead of slapping you....

-again depends where soooo 6-10/10

-if her cat have rabies then you are dead 10/10

Violinist

-it doesn't hurt much 1.5/10

-bro got scammed by the devil lololol

-his skills literally make people ears bleed

-0.5/10

Sculptor

-my main :D

-she uses telepathy so i can't calculate

-but she seems to be new at it

-ngl at the end of her attack she's like trying to pick her chisel up

-its a shallow stab 4/10

-BUT

-STATUES

-MORE BRUISES

-also by her description you need to be crash into something with her statues

-so assuming that she chips everytime and you crash against the wall then....

-broken bones

-bruises

-internal bleeding

-10/10

Undead

-bro sword is like clouds sword from final fantasy 7/10

-he slug you

-ALSO charge attack skill makes your heart skip a beat 10/10

The breaking wheel

-spikes

-hey um breaking wheel mains out there...

-how tf do you play him?

-i can't even kite him ffs

-anyways there's no hope you are dead 10/10

Naiad

-another shallow stab but this time it's sharper so 5/10

-despite what people thinks

-she doesn't drown people in her abyss (even though it will be pretty cool and horrifying at the same time

-theres just creatures from the sea that bites you 4/10

Wax artist

-bruises y'all know the drill

-2nd degree burns from wax

-3/10

-EDIT: change to 7/10 if the weapon thing is boiling (i forgot what it's called)

-also can someone explain his backstory and why people think he's racist????

Nightmare

-shallow stab gang

-4-5/10

-his crow did nothing at all sooooo-

Clerk

-what is she even holding????

-a cane?

-anyways about 1.5/10

-also what is her backstory and what is her gameplay? I legit can't play her

Hermit (the frog)

-cane 2/10 but he have to hit you like million times to down you/hj

-yall know how it feels like to be paralyze???

-its kinda weird you feel but also don't feel

BONUS

-so about 6/10

Night watch (nagito Komeada/hj)

-I would say 7/10 if he stabs you with it but he kinda slap you with it 4/10 (it's still metal anyways)

-WINDBLADE i mean... Cyclone The wind won't affect you much UNLESS he pulls you in and you got crash into a wall or something.

-again it depends

-0-1/10 if it's just the wind 8/10 if you crash into everything

patroller

-bites you so 8/10 lol

-rabies.

-you can't convince me otherwise so 10/10

A/n this is 1 am so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense/rating kinda weird

BONUS BONUS:

THOMAS THE TRAM

INFINITY OUT OF INFINITY

THE MOST OP HUNTER

#unknownwritesstuff #idv #identity v #idv hunter #idv sculptor #idv leo #idv smiley face #idv headcanons #idv hcs #idv feaster #idv the ripper #idv dream witch #idv photographer #idv wax artist #idv violinist #idv violetta #idv hermit #idv clerk #idv geisha #idv wu chang #idv nightmare #idv the will brothers #idv naiad #idv bloody queen #idv evil reptilian #idv disciple #idv gamekeeper #idv axe boy #idv guard 26 #idv night watch

[zhuhongs]

it is nice thatpretty much everyone I know irl has faith in me, that even when things are a bit hard they know that i'm capable and will figure things out and overall they dont need to be concerned. I appreciate that, its reassuring in a way. But also that I've been treated this way since I was really young, I've never had anyone concerned about me except when I was like in the hospital almost dying and even then I recovered super fast so there was no need for concern. But like, its hard like too. Because I do intenalize that and deal with all of my struggles internally and never learned how to share anything with anyone because I'm just fine and will get through it. And like, i've built those walls high for years. And I really want to learn how to communicate my vulnerability with people sometimes. Because as capable and hardworking as I look to all of them I cry a lot and I'm just really stuck from a lot of things in life. And I've gotta keep moving, and I can process all that alone, but sometimes I don't want to. I want to practice actually taking "how are you?" from friends and those close to me as a chance to say "y'know recently I've had some stuff weighing on my mind, is it okay if i elaborate?" bc there are times I really want to talk about stuff and I feel like no one cares because no one asks, but of course no one can ask the specific questions I really want, instead in those vaguer questions learn how to be specific so I can share what I want. Especially because sometimes I really want someone's concern, and other times if someone asks me anything its suffocating because I'm not in the mood to talk about it or not with that person. Because all my life I learned how no to need that concern and if I got it it made me incredibly uncomfortable because I was the capable child. And its arbitrary, and this is not an invite to ask me how I am. And I don't know where this is going but yea, I'm a bit stuck, not too stuck. I think I can very easily unstick myself I just need the right chance and I know I'll get to it soon, and I will be just fine, but mentally I'm stuck in taiwan. I have so many things that I can't move on from, things I want to share with someone because I couldn't share them in the moment bc it was so hard for me to connect to others. And I want to share and be understood- and I feel like no one cares, but that's not true. I just haven't learned how to let people in so they can care. And I will be working on that. I think I'll get there soon, not yet though. This too is a step towards getting myself there and I don't need to rush it. Trust the process, I know I will be just fine.

#🐌.txt

[aj-theteenagecondition]

the teenage condition-chapter 1

(none of this is proof-read, read or do not idc)

ive got this nervous feeling about starting something new. i haven't felt really anomymous and simultaneosly been interacting online in forever, not since i was too young to reasonably be a functioning part or a contributer to the internet. before i was old enough to have my own accounts with my own name and age and personality, i still snooped and lurked around the web, but i wouldn't dare post something. i felt guilty, afraid, that oh god oh no, someone (my mom probably) would find that i watched unreasonable amounts of youtube when i said i was asleep, or read copious amounts fanfiction for a fandom mostly written about by 12 year olds and therefore, was quite shit. but im just writing, because my brain feels like it has to, and writing on paper can get a bit slow, and im terrible at keeping a good accurate journal (for fear that someone i know will read it and finally see me or understand something critical and embarrasing about me). i was going to start an angsty teen journal in a black moleskin notebook, but i felt guilty that i had too many notebooks i gave up on halfway through.

its raining like the worlds ending where i live, which is to be expected in january. i hate winter. i understand that people love the snow and rain and wearing their earmuffs and cute outfits, and ice skating, and skiing and snowboarding, etc etc. but my room is cold and my feet are cold and my hands are cold and my school is flooding and waking up in the dark makes me want to die. im not really looking forward to getting life back on a schedule and going back to school. i go to a good school, i have plenty of friends, ive never fallen too behind. things are fine. but also: things are suffocating. so many people who i've known for literally my entire life. and my same friends talking about surface level topics. sometimes i wonder if we really know eachother at all. and other times i love them so much that everyone around us pales in comparison. lately (for the last year) i've felt like i need a closer friendship, i need an outlet, i need a confidant, and even though i have known them for like 10 years, i don't feel like i've ever had that. i dont think i've ever had that with anyone at all. probably a bit of me problem.

i was on a long trip with my family over winter break and started having quite bad anxiety. to get through it, of course a good distraction would do me some good. and what better distraction than reading one of the most famous fanfics that the internet seems to have been absolutely raving about: All The Young Dudes. i finished it this morning. ok actually this afternoon. mostly what i would like to say is: fucking ouch guys. i didnt actually have that much of an interest in the fandom (definetly not planning on reading anything else about it or interacting or writing), to be honest i wanted to see what all the fuss was about. now that i've actually read it all those "anything for our moony" audios on tiktok from like over a year or two ago really pack a punch. my thoughts: the beginning was very slow, but that definetley made the rest of it more impactful; sirius and remus's relationship is actually pretty toxic, but it was delightful to read; i struggled to get through any chapter after they left school, i predicted that it was going to hurt and boy howdy did it. i get it a little but also so much of it was so sad and so much of it was all unprocessed trauma and unresolved conversation and arguments, which sort of pissed me off.

not to say that it wasnt beautiful and also helpful. things i was reminded about myself through reading atyd: my friends dont know to much about like the vulnerable parts of me but its probably because I AM bad at communicating and being open; i do not like unresolved convos and arguments (my parents fight fr); i am probs trans, and have accepted that but not really bc if i had i would have processed it and actually made a move in some direction after mentally having proposed this idea to myself like 3 years ago with the irrisputable evidence of feeling gay for men; i avoid dealing with my problems; and of course i really love a story about buddies being pals.

also i cried a lot reading it

#spilled thoughts #atyd #whydididothistomyself #ouchie