#bc I think it is a bit silly to tell people who wanted a toxic make him worse dynamic

[nat20composure]

Astarion and Agency- The Necessity of Discomfort to Self Discovery and the Infantilization of Victims

Minor Astarion discourse ahead that mentions the treatment of SA victims post-abuse:

I want to open this post up just with like. The statement that I don't think there is a correct way to enjoy media and that I LOVE to see individual head cannons and takes on characters in media. I think that is also, to a degree, an integral part of video games because of how unique the experience of playing a game will be to every person who plays it. But it has been making me feel so incredibly sad looking through fan content, art, or discourse for BG3 specifically because of how many people have taken the route of infantilizing Astarion.

I understand the instinct to shield or protect an individual that you love and care for. I also understand that because of the nature of the things that Astarion goes through, a lot of people also feel very deep emotional stakes in him. I'm one of the many fans of the character who is a victim of SA and CSA, I really do get it. That is also why for me personally it is so demoralizing to watch so many people treat him like he is a child who cannot make his own decisions or stand up for himself. Part of that frustration stems from it feeling like a media literacy issue, and the other part of that sense of defeat is just because it feels indicative of a broader attitude that people seem to hold towards victims of abuse, particularly those who are victims of SA.

To explain what I mean by people infantilizing him: I see so many people refuse to allow him the opportunity to be hurt, or to feel uncomfortable. They see this character who has been through an immensely horrible and traumatic experience, and their instinct is to try and shield him from anything else that has the potential to upset him. I get that the people who want that aren't doing it with malicious intent, but frankly it is not really...Helpful? To try and prevent victims from Experiencing Discomfort tm. I also think it kind of disregards the entire thesis of Astarion's character and arc.

When you go through something that robs you of your selfhood and agency, the world can become a crushingly terrifying place. In Astarion, that fear presents itself in a desperation for power, control, and at the core of both of these desires- Safety. One thing the game is clear about is that he has a right to kill his abuser. He has a right to escape his situation. A lot of Astarion's personal arc is centered around being able to finally do that. But the game doesn't just leave it off at getting him to safety. So much of it is also about him needing to take responsibility for himself and his actions, with needing to learn who he as a person is.

The inclusion of the Gur children and Sebastian as characters is a good example of ways in which the game gives Astarion the opportunity to take responsibility. I think that if the intention of the arc was meant to be that "Astarion should never ever have to deal with being afraid or uncomfortable again", then the Ascended arc wouldn't Come with such heavy moral ramifications, like sacrificing the other people just like him, killing the victims he lured in, literal child murder. The game infers that he doesn't deserve to die because of the things he Needed to do to survive, but it also makes it very clear that there is a difference between addressing an Active Threat and using your fear as an excuse to hurt others. Breaking that cycle of abuse when he finally gets the chance to is what separates Spawn Astarion from Cazador.

Taking responsibility for himself, and letting himself sit in the discomfort of vulnerability ultimately ends up being a thing that he is very proud of and cherishes. If you tell him you will make sure nothing like that ever again he himself says that he doesn't want you to be his protector. And so it blows my mind when people go into all of these discussions about Astarion with this...Weird moral high ground for never, ever making or letting him make choices that might hurt him?

I see this the most when it comes to discussions about the possible polyamorous relationship with Halsin and the interaction with the drow twins in the brothel. So many people are just...outright angry? At other people engaging with either of those options? And I feel like that anger is one) rooted in the projection of their Own feelings on non-monogamy and what a victim of SA can or cannot look like. and two) Relies on undermining the agency that Astarion BEGS you for at every turn.

When it comes to the drow twins, the game adapts Astarion's response to them based on where he is in his own personal development (a really cool thing imo). Obviously, if he still doesn't feel good or safe about engaging with sex he declines and says you can feel free, though he hopes you aren't just doing it because he hasn't had sex with you. I think this makes sense: He's just gotten out of a situation where his Safety and worth were directly tied to him having sex. I imagine he feels afraid that not wanting to have sex with you makes him replaceable or inadequate because at this point in the game, he feels like that's all he has to offer. The interaction is relatively the same if you ask him for a poly amorous relationship with Halsin: He just asks you to reassure him that you aren't only doing it because he hasn't had sex with you, and then tells you he isn't worried about it otherwise.

A lot of people have taken the expression of that insecurity in combination with him still allowing you to go forward and do these things as him just "sucking it up" because he's afraid of losing you. (I am aware Shadowheart says he wouldn't be able to handle it when you ask her if you can date both of them- But keep in mind, Astarion says she wouldn't be able to either, and THAT obviously isn't true of her. For the purposes of this discussion I'm only including interactions with Astarion as a judgement of his character.) I understand that concern, but I feel this take disregards so many other points of dialogue, and is also continually rooted in the baseline vilification of discomfort.

To further go into it, the way that he speaks about both of these interactions changes significantly if you speak to him about it once he is completely free from Cazador, and has had time to allow himself to start reconnecting with himself and his sexuality on his terms. He has absolutely No reservations about an open or poly relationship with Halsin, and says he trusts that things will be ok because he one) feels secure in Your relationship and two) Knows Halsin is experienced and trusts him to not be a messy bitch about it.

I think that shift, in combination with the in game explanation of why he isn't ok with being in that sort of relationship with the other Origin Characters (for Lae'zel and Wyll, he says they'd never agree to that. For Shadowheart, he says she's not experienced with open relationships and that he doesn't think it'd work out. For Karlach, that it would break her heart. And for Gale, he says you need standards.) is a pretty good indicator that he doesn't actually care about polyamory or monogamy. I think the vilification of that choice relies on you picking and choosing when you do or do not believe Astarion or just outright not liking non-monogamy in the first place. This interaction has more to do with the player's choice and comfort level, and so is not as important to the broader discussion I am trying to have in this post.

The interaction that is more pertinent to not Allowing him to make decisions is, I think, the drow twins. If you interact with the drow twins after the completion of the Cazador questline, he is outright giddy at the prospect of interacting with the Drow twins. Specifically stating that he is excited to see how he likes these sorts of things now that he's free.

NOW- I do NOT think that he enjoys the act. The game makes that abundantly clear, and I'm not arguing that he has a great time. He obviously does not, and dissociates during it. That being said, allowing this interaction to happen does not make a player evil or selfish. You are not playing the hero if you decide to moderate his choices just because you do not think he is ready for it. Once again, no one is evil for Not doing it either, and I am not saying anybody has to want to. I am just saying that treating this choice like it is an evil choice to make relies on completely disregarding what He wants to do.

Astarion says so many times in the game that he is anxious about finally having the freedom to find out what he wants to do, and I think that his excitement for the drow twin exchange is one of the opportunities the game gives him to make a choice. He makes that choice- And it sucks for him. He doesn't enjoy the act, and having done it he would be able to move forward knowing that. I think it's really cool and important that the game represents that facet of recovering as a victim. While you are trying to renavigate who you are, you are going to make a million new choices you never had before. And sometimes those choices are going to suck ass. It would be a different matter if he knew these things would hurt him and went ahead and did them anyway. But so many people expect him to move forward avoiding even the Potential of being hurt, and I think that is extremely reductive of his arc and who he is.

Beyond the matter of interpersonal relationships, the choice between Ascending or not Ascending Astarion is not a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils. It is a choice between his fear and his humanity. Between letting his trauma and his fear define him for the rest of his immortal life, and allowing him the vulnerability of deciding who he is when he isn't running from the world. When he's willing to listen to the parts of himself that want to do right, that wants meaningful connection, that wants to be proud of himself. That wants to meet himself. To confront who he is when someone else isn't deciding that for him.

Astarion as a character is extremely ambitious, inquisitive, and adventurous, three traits that only become more and more evident as he breaks free from letting his own fear dictate how he lives his life. I don't understand how so many people can see him and want to take the core of his character away from him, when he spends the entire game fighting desperately to take it back.

Victims are not casts of the abuse they have gone through. Their shapes may be changed by the hands of others, they may have to relearn how to be the person they want to be. But they are not broken or irreparable or fragile. They do not need to be freed from the grip of one person to be held tight in the grip of another. It is so fucking unfair and self-important to think that your hands will be the ones that fix them. That your hands know better than theirs. I think the kindest thing you can do for a person is to trust them with themselves, and to listen when they tell you who they are and what they want. Please listen to the voices that have only just learned to speak. It is the only way they can get better at doing it.

#astarion #astarion bg3 #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion ancunin #I know this is kind of overdramatic #but like pls pls pls pls #ask yourself why you feel the need to protect victims from the experience of growth #and then consider if that attitude is a fair or helpful one #because freedom includes the right to make choices. even stupid painful ones. #that being said this essay is more for people who played the game exclusively making choices they thought would make astarion comfortable #like ascending him or not participating in polyamory #this essay is NOT for people who just ascended him for dom dialogue with him #bc I think it is a bit silly to tell people who wanted a toxic make him worse dynamic #that they are enabiling toxicity and making him worse #this is just an alternative pov for people who genuinely think it is for the best to do these things

[nezz-cringe-crib]

teru mikami analysis bc i love him

hi i'm just here to rant about how much i love teru mikami's character because he's genuinely such a well written character. this is probably gonna be unorganized and just rambly. i might rewrite it later but for now i just need another reason to procrastinate and focus on my silly emos.

(oh yeah also spoilers if that isn't obvious)

-------------------------------------------------------------

mikami is probably one of the best representations of religious trauma (at least imo and from what i've seen). i haven't read the manga yet and a lot of this might just be me projecting, but either way he's still the top in my books. there's SO many scenes and details about him that remind me so much of myself when i was still heavily involved with christianity (and to be clear, this is my own interpretation, not me tryna shit on any religions. that's a big wompwomp no-no. respect ppl hoes). so here's some random bits about mikami that make me go "OH SHIT ME-CORE ALERT!!!!":

the entire thing with his mom. i know that when he reflects back on his mom's death, he talks about how he's happy the whole thing happened because "she's evil and god killed the evil for me thanks god" but i completely believe the whole thing is just him brainwashing himself. like think about it for a second. his mom just died in the same car crash that involved his main tormentors, and this was also right after he was holding a slight grudge against his mom for defending said tormentors (she obviously didn't do that. she was just trying to help mikami view the world from a more realistic point of view to keep him out of trouble, but when you're that young and that passionate about justice, to him it'll seem like she's defending the same evil he's trying to fight). when you combine these things together, this is just gonna lead to a WHOLE lot of conflicted and lost feelings, and we see that in mikami. he had just been through a rough conversation with his mom, and she died before he could even get a chance to really think about said convo. all he is left with is a mixed feeling of loss, resentment, and fear. however, on the other hand, her death meant that the tormentors she was defending had also died. so to him, it has to mean something, doesn't it? the group of bastards that had been ruining his and others' lives and had finally been rid of. and if this had happened right after his mother had been defending them, it has to be a sign, right? there has to be a reason for all this hurt, right? when mikami is viewing the world through these lenses, it makes sense that'd he'd suddenly want a reason to justify his mom's death, even though it feels unbelievably cruel. so he finds a reason, and he finds that reasoning through god. this is honestly something that i used to do a lot when i was still heavily invested in my church, and i'm sure there are others who have been in the same situation. when the world is unjustifiably cruel, people will make up justification for it. it's a fear tactic that many people fall prey to in religious environments, and if not treated, it can fester into much more toxic environments for the people around them.

^^^ tldr: mikami copes with his mom's death by telling himself "it's okay that my mom died!! she was working for satan and god had to kill her!! thanks god!!" and if that's not the most religious-trauma-core shit out there then idk what is.

ALSO LITERALLY JUST EVERYTHING WITH LIGHT'S DEATH???? YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT SHIT HURT MAN. the realization that your god is not the god you thought you had been following used to be some of the scariest shit out there to me and mikami had it thrown right at his face when light died. not only was his god gone, but his god was never a god to begin with. he was just some guy. some pathetic guy who was now bleeding out and screaming on the ground. he had dedicated his life to this thing, and it was never real to begin with. and so he dies with it. because when the god revolving your life is gone, what other life do you really have? mikami was the perfect fucking example of that and i need it to be talked about more fucking please guys he's literally just like me fr i swear.

that's all i can think of right now tbh. if there's any typos in here no there isn't you're wrong nuhuh. anyways i fucking love mikami's character. he might be an antisocial autistic boyloser edgelord but he's MY antisocial autistic boyloser edgelord and i will defend him with my life. that hoe did EVERY wrong thing but your honor he is just a silly guy.

#teru mikami #death note #dn #analysis #rambles #your honor that hoe is just like me fr #cw religious trauma

[linabirb]

Go ahead, Lina, talk about why you like Rollo. I need a reminder on why he's the best ever :DD

SORRY FOR A LATE REPLY AURORA I GOT HOME A FEW HOURS AGO AND NEEDED TO REST and the power went out while i was typing this. why is this world so rollophobic

warning for lots of rambling under the cut!

first of all, his design.

"haha funny boy with a bowl cut and a huge hat" virgin vs "literally the most fun design to draw" chad. yes i'm the second one.

of course his design is heavily inspired by his counterpart but i just love it a lot! i really like the colors (some of them lowkey remind me of a bi flag JDKDLSLSL) of his outfit and i like how the color of his hair and his eye color look with them!

i actually disagree with people who say that he'd look better with longer hair or a more detailed/"unique" hairstyle bc i think in that case his design would feel very overwhelming? meanwhile here it looks much more balanced! when i draw him, it feels really nice bc i don't have to do much when it comes to his hair, i can just focus on the outfit! (though i had to get used to drawing his hairstyle, bc my art style is just. floofy hair.. soft hair..)

speaking of his hair..

I'M STILL NOT OVER HIM HAVING MORE MESSY-LOOKING HAIR AND EVEN HAVING AN AHOGE. I'M STILL INSANE ABOUT IT THIS IS SO CUTE. i've talked about it with my other friends and i hc that his hair is like that simply bc he wears a hat most of the time and.. yeah, your hair can become like that after you wear a hat. and like, maybe his hair has no choice but to look like that no matter how much he tries to take care of it and make it look better, so he also tries to hide it with his hat HDJKDKSLD.

also, i find it so funny how on some images it looks like he has really bad dark circles, meanwhile on other images you can clearly see that he wears makeup, so here's my rollo headcanon number 420 (i have so many of them. so many. literally about any topic. i am going insane): rollo tries to hide his dark circles with makeup, but fails miserably and he's really bad at it and nobody has a heart to tell him that he's actually not really doing a good job.

HIS CHIBI VERSION IS SO. SQUISHING AND BITING HIM. WHAT'S THAT EVIL SMILE FOR. YOU SILLY GOOFY MAN

now, his personality.

HE'S SO. SIFGHDHJFBDFBHDJNDVFDNM!!!!!! i love how rollo isn't just a "cold and emotionless anime guy". HE HAS EMOTIONS!! HE HAS SO MANY OF THEM!!! LITERALLY THE WHOLE MASQUERADE EVENT CAN BE A METAPHOR FOR EXPRESSING ALL THE FEELINGS YOU HAD REPRESSED FOR SO MANY YEARS AND ENDING UP DOING SO IN A WAY THAT'S HARMFUL FOR OTHERS (and probably you).

okay, i've said it before in my other post (the ask game one) but the fact that he's literally one of the few characters (if not the only one) who actually says that yuu must feel weird being the only magicless student and that it can be very scary and tiring. man. and like, when everyone has to split up into groups, rollo is the only one who asks what yuu will be doing. i could try my best to not go "this man is in love with them" at least for a second, but no, this man is in love with them. "oh it's only because they're magicless" shut up. so what if it IS because they're magicless. what if yuu is so pure to him, nobody can touch them. what if he wants to protect them from magic users. rolloyuu can either be the cutest and softest ship ever or they can be the most toxic ship BUT IN A GOOD WAY. IN A WAY THAT MAKES YOU GO "waittttt 👀👀👀 that's kinda. that's kinda. hold on a minute" LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYINGGGGGG. all variations of rolloyuu are good. all of them. his ghost room voicelines are also so. it's like, even if he's studying at nrc currently, you can clearly see that he still has favoritism for yuu. it really feels like he sees them as the only "good" student here. it feels like he's a little bit more.. um.. maybe he's more of a tsundere now, since now he knows that yuu likes magic? such as him being surprised when yuu shows him that they want to be friends with him and thinking that it's all just some kind of evil scheme and then being shocked that they're just genuinely nice and saying that it just makes everything even worse. OTOME GAME LOVE INTEREST BEHAVIOR. and him also kinda scolding them for "asking for a present" from him but then saying that birthdays really are important and that he hopes he won't disappoint them with his present. man. m a n. AND HIS OTHER VOICELINES STILL MENTION HIM FEELING SORRY FOR MC AND SAYING THAT THEY CAN ALWAYS RELY ON HIM AND ANYWAY ROLLOYUU ARE MARRIED-

but i should go back to the topic of his personality! you know what makes me insane. it's that rollo, no matter how hard he tries to look like this serious and organized person who has everything under control is canonically a dork in the most affectionate way. HIS FLYING LESSONS VOICELINES ARE SO FUNNY. the fact that he goes "WHY WON'T THIS THING LISTEN TO MEEEEE" when it's not working out, but when everything is fine, he immediately goes "oh, it's quite simple actually"?? i'm going to kiss you on the mouth, you idiot SJKDKDLSLS. he's also canonically a horse girl, which makes sense bc of his counterpart, but also HORSE GIRL ROLLO REAL. i need his lab coat sr. or at least let him take alchemy classes with his current card i want to know what he'll say.

his battle voicelines are so cool, i'm literally obsessed with them. HE LITERALLY SAYS THAT HE HAS UNFINISHED BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF AFTER BEATING UP SOME GUYS. HOW COOL IS THAT. some of his voicelines totally didn't make me giggle and kick my feet. totally. don't look at me. me reading "good, how obedient" and "it seems you still desire punishment" and choking on my tea

also i love how his vignette exceeded my expectations and didn't just make me go "i love him <3", it made me go "i need to take care of him, i need to give him a blanket, i need to force him to go to sleep when he needs it, i need to kiss his stupid face, i need to tell him that he's enough-". like what do you mean he eats the exact same things (and not just food, but also the exact amount of it) for lunch and i'm pretty sure he does the same with breakfast and dinner. what do you mean he wakes up BEFORE SUNLIGHT to clean the bell and the gargoyles. what do you mean he likes the bell of salvation (yes, i'm sticking to fan translations) because "it rings when it's supposed to", meaning that he likes predictable things and things that he "already knows" (i think you can say that it's also implied in one of his voicelines where he can't understand why mc is "acting so familiar with him". they're being unpredictable. it's too hard for him to understand them.) what do you mean even when he knows that it will be easier/more convenient for him to do something different, he still does it the same way that he always does. i need him to go to therapy, this man has at least one mental illness and i'm like 100% sure that he's neurodivergent. (i've said it so many times on discord but he's ocd-coded. i say that as someone who has ocd. that's it. i do so many of the things that he does, it actually was a little uncomfortable (but also validating) to read his vignette, i was like "?? DUDE?? PLEASE?? PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW UNHEALTHY IT IS?? wait i don't have a right to say that". the bit where he says that he eats the exact same foods to "avoid unnecessary desires" especially reminded me of my own behavior, because my brain often makes me stop taking care of my needs because "otherwise the Bad Stuff will happen". but i won't go into detail)

also i like how he's loved by literally all nbc students?? say whatever you want, call him manipulative and all that, but it takes hard work to make people like you and admire you and rollo is definitely hardworking.

now, his role in the story. sure, him and idia have very similar backstories, but rollo's past resonates with me much more, because i really wish we had more characters that express their grief and other negative emotions as anger. of course, some people cry, some people isolate themselves, some people become afraid of everything, but in those cases those characters are usually portrayed as sympathetic, meanwhile those who want to punch people, want to fight back, want to scream and yell at everyone, often get portrayed as unsympathetic, scary or even abusive and toxic or just evil. which is.. not good. not good at all. anger is a valid and understandable emotion and it's actually good to be angry about things. i actually was shocked when my therapist told me that i SHOULD "bite and scratch people more" (as i've said it myself) right after i was describing to her how easy it is for me to get angry we also found out that it's actually one of my alters' doing and i was like "i sound like some kind of monster don't i". so it's really nice and actually kinda healing to see him just steal everyone's magic, set the town on fire (with flowers, but whatever) and still hate magic and not really getting a redemption arc. it's okay, he'll get there someday. him immediately starting to sob the moment he remembered what happened to his brother also broke me.

however, there is one tinyyyy problem with his backstory, though that's just me, probably. you see, idia blaming himself for what happened to ortho was more.. i wouldn't say understandable, but it makes sense story-wise. he really was involved in it, even if it really wasn't his fault and he was only a child, i can still see why he'd blame himself. but in rollo's case, him secretly blaming himself.. doesn't really make sense to me? i mean, his brother just wanted to show him his magic, sure, rollo could blame himself for just standing and not being able to help him, but.. i don't know, it just feels a little bit weaker to me. so when the story goes "hey, look at him, he's blaming the magic users for not saving his brother, when he actually thinks it's his fault"! i'm like ". okay. what do you want me to do. do you want me to give him a hug and tell him that it really wasn't his fault." like, according to him, other mages really couldn't help and they ignored him, so what do you want me to do?? do you want me to point at him and go "HAHA SO IT REALLY IS YOUR FAULT"?? i'm not gonna do that!!

also, the thing is that rollo isn't selfish at all. i don't think he thinks that highly of himself. i actually bet that his self-esteem is horrible. when idia tells rollo that rollo wasn't trying to save other people, but he actually wanted to save himself, rollo is genuinely confused and can't believe it and idia himself says that it looks like rollo really did think that he was doing it for others. and even if he secretly wanted to do it for himself, i don't think him saying that he wants to save others and end their suffering is selfish. and he also says that he'd love to lose his magic too and he doesn't like using his magic.

his parents also being worried about him and making sure he's fine in the vignette also breaks my heart.

soooo yeah! that's all i can think of right now, but of course, there's most likely much more, my brain is just a little tired, haha.

maybe none of this makes sense and i'm just biased and i'm projecting, but who cares. at least i'm having fun.

if you've read all of this, thank you and congrats! have a pic of my croissant plushie (+ a bnuuy!!) :)

#[ 💌 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬 ] #[ 💕 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚'𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 ] #[ 💫𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝: 𝐚𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐫𝐚 ] #eh you know what #twisted wonderland #rollo flamme #twst rollo #i'm probably gonna regret it later but rn. i'm too sleepy to care and i need to do my hw

[eclaire-went-bam]

i'm gonna post this here bcs initially i posted it to cf on instagram but frankly i have too many cfs who don't know i'm Disordered™ in this way LMAO

this isn't a super emotional vent & shouldn't have any triggers However it is a super annoyed one

i think i try too often to be "silly" scary & mean & Obviously i don't Actually Try to be either of those, i just like being annoying. i find i do this automatically with "friends" who aren't an ep — if everyone else leaves and i'm stuck with just an ep, i suddenly act like a normal person again LMAO

but anyways point is: in this act, i act really stupid on purpose. i act like a cartoon character. i'm a creature of Show✨. i often make subtle jokes abt murder & stuff that'd probably be seen as angsty teenager cringe. i tease people in a very well-meaning but annoying way. this is my persona that has been established in these circles. i want to make it clear, people do not get offended when i'm like this & when they do i make sure to ask about it & apologise bcs that's ~Healthy~ & at the end of the day they usually seem to really enjoy the way i act (some ppl actually seem to enjoy the attention from teasingly psychoanalysing them A Bit Too Much haha)

but SOMETIMES someone takes the act a bit too seriously?? thinking i'm actually Trying to be mean or threatening or whatevs??? & goes "ur gonna have to try harder than that!! it's not working!!!!" and i'm like okaaaayyyyy big boy

& then i actually do what they say & suddenly it hits a wound a bit too deep. just one single sentence.

this just happened 2 days ago & i get it but idk maybe don't get too proud when it's clear it's just fun&games (the same fun&games as Always) & then get shocked.

frankly, i will not feel bad

& i often don't even realise what is “too far” (it's either probably the autism or the low empathy + egocentrism = i wouldn't be hurt if someone said it to me, so why would others?) most times so maybe don't make it a competition bcz then my narc brain Will compete & then try to make me feel bad abt it

me when i'm in friend groups where i constantly intentionally do & say things so everyone thinks i'm stupid & then i act like i'm not for once ;;;

listen. i may not feel guilty for my actions. i may even think you're Unwise for making your ticks so obvious & then proceeding to act like they aren't. however i would greatly appreciate it if you didn't make it some competition that you can't be scared or offended when you very clearly Can Be, you just think you can't be by me bcs you think a cute little afab like wittle ole me is incapable. & then it all gets soooo awkward afterwards even when i try to apologise but they keep going on abt how it was Too Far and That Hurt & when they finally stop they're just awkwardly quiet until they leave

i can understand getting competitive like this & doing whatever necessary to "win" is not a healthy trait & is probably a result of x y & z npd stuff & yes i did feel very ugly when they started belittling me out of Nowhere but idkkk right now i'm just annoyedddd

usually if someone gets like that i have an ep w/ me who knows i'm a narc i can dm to tell them what i Wanted to say & they can laugh w me (sometimes just acting stupid with others but in the know with an ep makes the feeling go away without actually needing to risk doing anything toxic) but they weren't there this time </222

#npd vent #cluster b #cluster b things #npd #narcissistic personality disorder #bpd #borderline personality disorder #-> i dont have these but this might be a general cluster b shared experience kinda thing idk #hpd #histrionic personality disorder #aspd #antisocial personality disorder #long post #idk maybe

[viktorclawthorne]

Why I think the Garp, Koby, and Helmeppo side plot in opla is great - a silly little essay

This includes One Piece Live Action spoilers as well as a bit of Marineford

B4 we start: this is all just my opinion and thoughts I had while watching the live action.

I might've gotten some stuff wrong, or you may disagree with me. Also, English isn't my first language

I'm not expecting anyone to actually see this, I just need to write it down

Firstly, I find the choice of including Koby and Garp more early on very interesting, they did a great job showcasing the corruption within the Marines and also how toxic and even abusive Garp is (Helmeppo literally says so).

Koby is the first character we see be friends with Luffy, making us like and empathize with him. They go separate ways and after that, they parallel each other in many ways; Koby has a very strong sense of justice, just like Luffy, He wants to protect people, which Luffy is shown to do a lot. Other than Koby however, Luffy prioritizes his freedom, while Koby joins the Marines because he believes he can protect people that way.

They tell each other to “Be a good Pirate” and “Be a good Marine”, With their similarities Koby serves as a great tool to show throughout the season how corrupt the marines are, especially compared to the freedom of pirates like Luffy.

We meet Mihawk in the context of him getting a call from Garp, immediately showing the connection between Marines and Pirates. When this gets explained to Koby - and therefore also the viewer - he first realizes how corrupt the system of the Marines is. Helmeppo explains: “Warlords exist, so the marines don't have to do the dirty work”.

In Shells Town we’re led to believe that Helmeppo is “stupid and bad” and Koby is “smart and good” but later on we learn that Helmeppo was aware of how the marines work from the start and therefore wasn't enthusiastic about joining, his rank, or his duties like Koby was. When Koby finally learns the truth, he considers quitting, showing how far from his ideal of protecting citizens the navy is.

Garp literally says himself that as a marine, you operate in a cruel and unfair system and have to compromise your morals and ideals (which is why all marines are inherently immoral). He also states he could have been fleet admiral (aka highest-ranking marine) but turned it down bc he would “have to do it their way” and it would “take away his freedom” which shows his similarities to Luffy and Dragon. It is also bullshit bc he HAS to mostly do it their way, all Marines serve the world government / celestial dragons and not the people, which therefore means you cannot be free within the Marines.

In the Liveaction we see Garp let Luffy go, which is his idea of “doing things his way”, he seems to think by declining to be fleet admiral he keeps at least some degree of his autonomy; however, I personally think he is being ignorant, wanting to ignore how functioning in a corrupt system can never be moral, and you inherently lose your freedom.

Garp still believes the marines are necessary “to protect order” so he can't completely disagree with the system, clearly setting him apart from pirates like Luffy or Roger and the revolutionary army (who of course exist in contrast to the marines, showing and, well, rebelling against their cruelty).

Zeff points out the similarities between Luffy and Roger to Garp, who then mentions how Roger died, implying he’s just trying to protect Luffy. Garp seems to have a twisted view on protection; since he believes it is wrong as well as dangerous to be a pirate he physically abused Luffy from a young age, trying to stomp out his dream and make him follow in Garp's footsteps (same goes for Ace and somewhat Sabo of course).

This is also shown by how he acts in Marineford where he first tries to stop Luffy but then lets him through, isn't able to kill Ace, and has to be held back in order to not attack Akainu. Deep down, he seems to really care for those whom he considers Family, which clashes with his belief that Pirates are inherently immoral / bad.

I do believe his pursuit of Luffy throughout OPLA wasn't just him testing Luffy, as he states at the end. Garp gets really mad when he finds out Luffy has become a pirate, and still really wants to make him into a marine. The scene with Zeff would've also not been necessary, I think Garp really intends to protect Luffy (like Ace).

When he sees Luffy’s determination, however, he accepts that he can’t change him, showing that Luffy's strong will is more important to Garp than protecting him. This is also supported by the events in Marineford when Garp lets Luffy pass after seeing his resolve.

The moment Koby decides to stay in the Marines, he accepts that he’ll have to compromise his dream and agree to give up his original morals to some degree.

However, he’s still very similar to Luffy, and at this point also mirrors the “good” sides of Garp. He questions if they should really go after Luffy and stands up for his own beliefs when he gets the order to arrest the strawhats.

This way Koby (as well as Helmeppo, who does the same) showcases the corruption and unfairness of the marines because not like him the other marines present follow the irrational orders of their superior blindly.

Garp states at the end of OPLA that following orders doesn't make you a good marine, following your code does. He congratulates Koby and Helmeppo for standing up for what they believe is right, even when their orders said the contrary.

Concluding it’s safe to say that Garp, Koby, and even Helmeppo all show similarities to Luffy, they have strong beliefs, disagree with the way the marines are run and even go against their orders because of this. Showing these three as the side plot in OPLA drives the point Home how corrupt, immoral, and unfair the Marines are, and with the context of the world government and Celestial dragons, this gets even more weight.

[andizoidart]

siddles in here. @ ur tags i am first and foremost ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED to learn u are okay w those kinds of things (IN FICTION), im going absolutely feral. i didn't wanna send an ask before i knew u were okay with anything bc let's face it ppl on the internet are MEAN but i'm absolutely thrilled by ur response and going whhehehegegfegg *little gremlin noises.* i already love ur boy so much AND also has anyone told u i literally love ur art. AND ur a traditional artist HUGE props for that i could never.

p.s. pls tell me everything abt ur boy i want to know it all

BITES YOU AND EATS YOU IN THE MOST POSITIVE WAY-

I will answer this in order fhdhsjsk:

Yes! I am very much okay with viewing and perceiving what people ship! I find it fascinating in all honesty and try to understand the different sides of it (but underage stuff is a big no no in my house guys, gals and nonbinary pals).

I *absolutely* understand this point. People on the internet are absolutely awful and cruel sometimes, but I think if we can all learn to be respectful, that would be so neat and the opposite of toxic!

Thank you so so much!! It literally means the world to me when anyone compliments my characters, especially ones I’ve worked hard on thinking out and designing fhshjskd. Don’t you worry, I’ve got big plans in progress for this little boy-

Aaaa thank you!! I always feel like I’m at a bit of a disadvantage in the art world being a fully traditional artist QwQ,, Like, it’s not that I haven’t tried to do digital art, it’s that I don’t have the equipment, finances, or ability that I would need to do it- I love that everyone has their own unique style, though, it’s so fun to see!!

As for a little bit more on mister middle child nonsense, I’ll list some silly trivia about him and his brothers! Who knows what may be relevant ;]

Somnus’ Nightmare has collected little porcelain figurines since they were children, and has always had an affinity for horticulture.

Somnus was (and still is) obsessed with bugs, biology, zoology, and anatomy. He would absolutely freak Dream and Nightmare out by trying to show them the “super cool spider I just found”.

Somnus doesn’t have good magic control or stats. He sometimes wishes he didn’t have it at all, rather than being weak. Because of this, he took up a lot of material arts, such as medicinal practices and potion making.

Somnus is a *serious* insomniac. Like, the hardly sleeps insomnia with night terrors and daydreams attached (realizing the irony in that).

Somnus only started becoming interested in science because he was looking for a way to create and sustain artificial magic. His hope was that by using natural elements, he could find a way to enhance his magic. Heeee has yet to find that solution.

Somnus’ Dream was a very oblivious child. Not in the “dumb blonde” stereotype way, but in the way that if he wasn’t told something, it didn’t happen in his mind. He was, however, very observant.

Each of the brother’s gained something from their mother tree: Dream’s cape from the banner sigil, Nightmare’s powers from the blackened apple, and Somnus’ talisman carved from the wood of a branch that fell in a storm.

I can go on and on and on, I just love talking about my AUs and my boys-

#andi answers #andizoid #andizoidart #my character #not my character #not my characters #dream #dream sans #nightmare #nightmare sans #somnus #somnus sans #dreamtale au #dreamtale triplets #okay but in 100% honesty getting this made me scream #and happy stim a whole lot fgshsj

[deadlysoupy]

I’m curious, what are your unpopular opinions about tmnt 🔥 and writing 🔥

hi dude!!! im surprised to see you in my askbox and honestly very flattered 😳😳😳😳

for tmnt: while i sometimes come out as someone who dislikes rise, i think it's very fun and enjoyable. it explored new ideas, gave a lot of edge to old characters and created new ones who are in my heart forever (Draxum gets too much hate imo)

but i feel like people give it too much credit. it's not my place to criticize it, but i really think it has some major turn-downs (at least for me). when the show aired, i thought of it as a little silly time, when i can just watch a purely fun show about ninja turtles without plot-heavy storylines like we had in the past. i was also delighted when there wasn't a trace of Leo and Raph conflict we had in every iteration. it was like a breath of fresh air, i was enjoying it. but the pacing changed and it became serious. while i don't think it was too weird, it still felt jarring, i didn't know what the show wanted to be anymore. the second season is a doozy, which is understandable and it's a real shame we didn't get those filler episodes that would flesh out the characters more.

and the rise movie. man. it gets some things just right and some things wrong. and again we get that Leo and Raph fight about being a leader. Leo gets too much attention, both in the show and in the movie. it's really getting on my nerves.

one thing i applaud rise for is giving Mikey that edge people need to see more - his personalities, to be precise. i feel like we kinda forget that Mikey should be a bit insane, and rise, thank god, sees it as an opportunity to show him unhinged a lot of times. not enough, in my opinion, and his character got a little too soft when the movie came out, but the effort was there and i'm really grateful for that. it's why i love 2003 Mikey with all of me - he's fucking bonkers, has no filter, and will cause mayhem just to see something explode. i really hope MM Mikey will be like that, too, thought i don't have high hopes. he still looks fun tho

little side-notes: i hate hair on turtles (ew) and most of rise fandom is toxic (can't go into this bc i'm afraid people will shit on me)

for writing: writing is a chore. like, really. writers say a lot of times that they want to see words on their google docs magically appear without them having to write anything, and i completely agree. as a writer who majorly writes in their second language (thus i have difficulty writing in my native one (don't ask me how that works, i don't know either)) i hate actually writing words. i've been doing this as a hobby for about four years and i still have no idea what my style is and how to not sound like a moron or a ten year old. i look back on my writing and see a child, not an adult who studied english for most of their life. hell, i'm getting my eng major (sort of) and getting ready for international english exams and i still sound like a baby with images in head but no words to describe them. it sucks.

i enjoy storytelling a ton, but no matter how much everyone will say to you "you shouldn't worry too much about words, this is a story only you can tell, if you have a story you should share it!" it doesn't work that way. you need to be able to both feel a story and be able to tell it, and if you can't find the right words that punch people in their hearts, it won't do that well. so maybe some people who are full of imagination and stories to tell simply aren't destined to become writers. this is either a harsh truth or me just being a pessimist, idk

and i think that's it! i dunno if these are unpopular or not but they've been on my mind for a while so yeah. thank you sm for this ask!!!!!!

#woof this was hard #hopefully i made sense bc i dont sound sane to myself lmao #tmnt #rottmnt #writing #poopoo answers

[saetoru]

Hey, I think I sent in ask by accident. It said have you seen lady parts, but there was more I was going to say, apologies! This is what I meant to say.

I am not Muslim so I really hope I am not overstepping but about your post about wanting representation for hijabi women that isn’t questioning her faith, We Are Lady Parts is a British about an all Muslim punk rock band - two of the members are hijabi and the band manager wears a niqab but I don’t think their actors do.

This is a quote from the creator, Nida Manzoor “I was slightly frustrated with the kinds of representation I've been seeing, especially with Muslim women as being oppressed, as being these victims, and I wanted to show them like I knew them, with all the joy and warmth and silliness”

hello !! it’s ok ur not overstepping !! but i have not seen this—although if you say it’s good representation i will look into it bc i rly would like to see something with rep that doesn’t make me want to fold into myself 🥲 so ty for telling me ab it <3 i definitely agree w the creator on the fact that muslim women are often portrayed as oppressed or even just seen that way outside of media rep too and it’s simply not the case—which even if there are clear instances where you see oppressed women who are muslim, it’s always a result of culture not religion. culture can be very toxic, i know mine is, and a lot of the views ppl have are often misogynistic but it has nothing to do with religion. a lot of the misconceptions ppl have ab islam are almost always a culture vs religion thing that they didn’t bother to look more into. which is a bit frustrating bc if u just look into islam a bit, as in read the guidelines and the values—doesn’t matter if you practice or not—you’ll see it gives women a ton of rights. a lot of it also doesn’t have to necessarily do with the cultures of muslim ppl specifically—some of it also just what western culture and the media has adopted. like for example people always ask me if i “was free to make the decision” would i show my skin instead of dress modestly. which is honestly a rather rude way of asking if i wish i could dress less modestly from time to time because it is my choice to dress this way, and women’s rights are not directly correlated with how much skin they show. a women who does not show her skin is not automatically oppressed—but in a way social media conditions a lot of ppl to think that way bc feminism has more or less been heavily pushed as this concept of wearing clothes as revealing as u like bc it’s ur body. which is true, you are well within ur rights to dress revealing if that’s ur choice—but the opposite also holds true where wearing clothes as modest as u like is ur choice as a woman and choosing not to show skin is not a sign of oppression

anywayyyyy ramble aside bc i could go on about this all day fjsjfjshf at the end of the day it stems mainly from like white savior complexes where white ppl just feel the need to a) not understand minorities and their values and traditions but also b) feel the need to erase them and portray them as wrong in order to “save” them. like 9 times out of 10 the muslim girl is written to take off her hijab and the white people are the ones that influenced her to do that and it makes her “happier.” i speak for myself and for a LOT of other hijabis when i say the best thing a white person could do is stop making a scarf on someone’s head seem like an abnormal concept and leave them alone—that’s the realest way they’ll be “happier” bc usually we just mind our business until they come along. i promise we don’t sit and stare longingly at their hair like “if only :(“ 😭

#asks!

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

As an older fan, I frequent your blog to get some perspective. I have the same feeling wondering if everyone is okay with all of the hostility. Reminiscing is fine. That whole summer in 2008 where no one wore real shoes or that time in Milwaukee Brendon was so shnockered he stripped to his boxers were great. But people evolve and at least the music exists and we have new things. Thank you for the sanity. I’ll keep coming back. And you’re right, Vices era was pretty fucking great.

Bless you for reminding me of B stripping at Summerfest 😉

Glad you like the new (old?) perspective *ba dum tish*

Fandom has gotten so toxic over the last couple years, it's awful. To the point that it's mostly hatedom (B really lives rent free in these obsessive haters heads lol. Imagine creating a subculture dedicated to a person/band thats built around hating them? Around taking things out of context, inventing things, getting super pissed at largely small things that most, esp men, are guilty of? As if their brothers, dads, even themselves... aren't "guilty" of the same and/or similar things, aren't just as cancelable. What is their lives? It's extraordinary that that is who, what hatedoms are built around, and not, oh, serial abusers like R Kelly, Manson, Weinstein... I think it's because that would actually be difficult to deal with, is serious. "microaggressions" are a lot easier to deal with, and are seen as, if anything, worse, as more a target for outrage because of that fact. Also a heavy aspect of performance (like, are they seriously that upset or just pretending they are?), conformity to the in crowd, etc.)

I actually wasn't in fandom post split till around the end of 2016, and even in 06-09 when I was in wasn't in that deep, like LJ & YT level deep. (And I was more into Ryan and didn't know what to make of B lol, but still thought of him as the baby of the group kwim? Like silly, puppyish, hyper, a little bit of a dumb dumb, a horny toad & kind of annoying at times, easily picked on...)

Considering Vices is overall my fave era, in hindsight, I wish I had been in it then! Damn, did I miss out.

Not sure where VLV will wind up in my rankings, we shall see. (Pray for the Wicked is prob my second fave BTS era eg B all chubby cheeked, sweet, happy & being a big goober but like 4-5 fave album. I think TWTL as an album is holding up better over time than PFTW for me. And I am still "oh, no, baby" at some of his fashion choices TWTL era, esp that buzzed at the sides haircut lol. And I think that was his thinnest, and often want to feed TWTL!B & get some meat on his bones, even in the GGB vid. "let me care for you & make you some soup, pasta, salads, chili... while you're being almost awkwardly sexy bc you're too thin bb."* And this reminds me of never did reviews for Fever, Bachelor but meant to!)

*it's ridiculous how sexually attracted I am to that boy, but he also brings out this protective/mothering instinct in me too a lot, what can I say 😍

(also feel free to tell me about your experiences in fandom, how you got into them, fave eras, etc)

[yesimwriting]

Hello! Your Nikolai fic tranquility is so beautiful! Can you write more for Nikolai? Maybe the opposite with reader having a nightmare? Or whatever you want just please give me more! If you have a tagging list I'd love to be included btw :)

A/n hii!! first off,, thank you! i was a little nervous about writing him for the first time,, but i love him so much (even though i love a good villain/morally grey character in love i think nikolai would probably make the least toxic bf in the grishaverse lol)

you gave me a little too much freedom here lol bc i have so many ideas for him!! lowkey might need to give him a longer fic/series soon when i catch up with requests!! WOW THIS FIC IS SO LONG AND FOR WHAT

Summary: Reader is a handmaid who has grown up assisting Nikolai. Through the years, the two have developed a special relationship that most definitely breaks royal protocol--they’re best friends and rivals on a good day, and dangerously close to being something more the second either of them is remotely upset or extremely happy. Learning about the fact that Nikolai was almost engaged to Alina (a good friend of yours) and being reminded of the fact that as royalty Nikolai has many prospects (both serious women worthy of his title and women only suitable for trysts meant to relieve tension) has you both realizing something you should have years ago.

Word count: 31210

Warnings: disclaimer--may not be the most cannon thing ever,, but i wanted the ‘child of the help competes and falls in love with the child of royalty’ energy okay?? Lol

I could do a whole blurb series with this dynamic nikolai x reader,, like just stories of them growing up together and randomly realizing they might like each other romantically?? I probably shouldn’t rn but i ADORE this trope.

--

The perfection of the room is disappointing. Idle hands, idle thoughts--so I work to smooth out a perfect duvet. Still, the thoughts come--aggressive and unavoidable. It’s silly, maybe even sad, to feel possessive over something that’s never been yours, something that could never be yours, but the harder I fight off the feeling the stronger it grows. Jealousy is a weed growing quickly in my chest, vile roots planted firmly in my heart.

Normally my favorite part of the day would be waiting for Nikolai to return to his room in the palace after dinner and his evening duties. He’s always a bit softer in the evenings, during my last check-in of the day. I’m normally thrilled to be done organizing his room early because that means the second he arrives there will be no distraction. Most evenings, he’ll find me perched in the seat by his bed, reading. He’ll mock-scold me for daring to defy his orders and reading ahead from the book we both take turns reading aloud from each night. He then warns me that I better react exactly the way I did when I first read it or else. That threat is always followed by a gentle laugh.

Tonight I’m in no mood for our nightly banter or even our nightly reading. My mother had warned me of the dangers of getting too comfortable with the royal family. I should have heeded that warning when she first gave it to me, the morning she found Nikolai and I fast asleep on a couch in the library as children. The palace likes to bring up the children of the staff by training them to attend to the next generation of royals. It makes the staff more efficient, a lifetime of knowing what someone wants makes you better for them. It also creates some level of connection, making betrayal a little less likely. Nikolai and I might have taken it farther than most. But now I want a reminder of the way we’re supposed to be--maybe if I detach now the bleeding of my heart won’t kill me. That has to remain secret, because if I explain it to Nikolai something in me will break. The one line between us will be crossed.

This will be the sixth secret I’ve kept from Nikolai in my entire life.

--

The secrets:

I don’t know why I was picked for Nikolai. I wasn’t particularly skilled, but still, the day came when my mother was told that I now worked directly for the Lantsov boy. It’s an honor, a true one, but my mother had been a little nervous. To whom much is given, much is expected--and I detested Nikolai. Not for being a prince, but for being a prince who thought girls couldn’t race or fight.

The day my mother came looking for me because I never showed up for dinner and she found Nikolai and I attempting to fight in the way only a ten-year-old girl and eleven-year-old boy would, she had looked truly mortified. Nikolai had only laughed, either oblivious to my mother’s embarrassment or uncaring about it. He had then hugged me--an expression of care that had left me reeling. I saw him more as a rival than someone to tend to, but in that moment I saw him as a friend. Even more so when he told me he didn’t want me to go yet and that he was upset that so much of the day had been wasted by studies that kept him with boring people and away from me. And then he invited me to his lessons--my mother was quick to attempt to decline politely, but the desires of a prince at any age outweigh that of a mother.

After that, everyone kind of just stopped trying to remind us of our propriety. The tutor at first was concerned about my presence, but Nikolai remained stubborn. I wasn’t a big enough deal to cause an argument, so I began to attend lessons with him almost every day, only staying away when my mother needed aid with laundry or cleaning. His parents must have been somewhat aware of our friendship, but they must have been oblivious to our closeness because it was never mentioned.

My mother’s worry began to ease, she’d even started to take some pride when I’d come to our room proudly proclaiming that I scored two marks higher than Nikolai. She did, however, warn that it might be more tactful to let him score higher.

The comment was casual, just a suggestion, but it left me feeling wrong. It was the first time since we met that I had thought about our different statuses. I didn’t tell him--and that was the first secret I ever kept from him.

As we grew, we traded physical competition for academic rivalry, trying to best each other in both lessons and games of strategy like chess and cards. But with growing comes responsibility. Nikolai started to have obligations that were meant to be private. I couldn’t follow him at all times. But he’d always come back from locked door meetings grinning like he carried schoolyard gossip instead of government secrets. He shared everything with me, even when I playfully warned against it.

He’d always step closer when I teased that perhaps he shouldn’t tell me everything. And then he’d say, “If I can’t trust you, then I can’t trust anyone--and I don’t want to live in a world like that.” Often, he’d give my hand a light squeeze before moving on like he had not said anything intimate.

On a day in which Nikolai was in one of those meetings, I became a woman. When I first saw the blood, I had been horrified--but my mother was quick to explain that it was natural. She said that I was now a woman, a wonderful thing, really--but a thing that came with obligations. She told me that I could no longer have the impromptu ‘sleepovers’ with Nikolai unless he ordered it. I told her he’s never ordered me to do anything for him.

She didn’t ease, something in her had started to become nervous again. My mother had recently started to act the way she did when Nikolai and I first became friends. I didn’t want to fall asleep in Nikolai’s bed while I was bleeding, but I didn’t want to never have another sleepover with him again. Especially not when she refused to explain why being a woman changed so much.

I had decided to avoid Nikolai as much as possible until the sting of my mother’s new rule faded. Unfortunately, that night Nikolai was extra talkative--excited as he insisted I stay for a little longer. Soon, I found his familiar good naturedness melting away my nerves and before I knew it I was laughing in the middle of the night. When my eyelids started to feel heavy, I had moved from the chair, ready to head back to my room.

Nikolai had looked at me oddly before he asked why would I leave so late when it would be easier for me to just sleepover? It was an innocent question, he did not know about my change and I had wanted to keep it that way.

I tried playing coy, but Nikolai has always had a talent for getting around my better judgement. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but I remember him standing in front of me. It was the first time I noticed how much had actually changed over the years--he was now taller than me for the first time in his life. His hair had started to grow a little longer, golden and soft-looking--and his face seemed much more angular. But he had not lost his boyish charm.

“Y/n?” My name fell softly from his lips, and that was the first time I had ever noted the fullness of them. I didn’t understand why I considered that something worth noting. “Did I do something to make you mad at me?”

Perhaps I had been a little curt--nerves and hormones had left me not feeling like myself. I didn’t tell him about the bleeding, I couldn’t. That became the second secret I kept from him--but I did tell him that my mother had told me I was a woman now, and that women can’t have sleepovers. Not with those of the opposite gender. I made no effort to hide my confusion because I expected him to be as perplexed as I was. But he was not confused--in fact, he had the audacity to laugh. My face flushed, but I did not know why.

“Why is that funny?” Maybe he thought I was still too much of a child to be considered a woman. I assumed it a fair assumption, I had not grown the way he had--my shoulders had not become sturdier and I had not become particularly broader. Still, I would rather melt into the floor than tell him about the reason my mother now considered me a woman. “My mother did say that, and I don’t know what being a ‘woman’ has to do with staying in your room at night.” Something strange had crossed over his features then, something much more brooding than I was used to.

I had blinked at him as unexplained nerves pooled in my stomach. Perhaps that look would have been enough to keep me silent if he had managed to not grin. That self-assured grin that had always challenged me. “Well since you know everything about my mother now, maybe you can tell me why she’s been acting strange. She’s starting to act the way she did when we first became friends.” I expected him to at least pretend to be worried. Perhaps his parents had spoken to her and had mentioned wanting our friendship to end. But his grin had only grown. Pride left me angry. “She did say that I could stay if you ordered it--but I’m glad you’ve never ordered me to do anything, so I can leave right now because you’re acting as odd as her. I don’t understand what you could find funny about our friendship ending.”

He had stopped me from storming out of his room by placing one hand on the wall between me and the door. “Y/n, don’t be cross--I’ll explain it all, I promise.” Angry pride made me want to storm away from him, but curiosity and something unknown and warm kept me in place. “Do you remember when we read the play about the rival families, how the two main characters had kissed?”

I remembered that part of the play especially well. The concept of kissing so casually, outside of marriage, had been jarring to me. “Yes.”

“Now that we’re older, your mother must be worried that we might do that.” He paused before leaning against the arm he placed on the wall to keep me from leaving a little more. “Kiss.”

The clarification was not needed--in that brief pause, I had allowed myself to imagine no distance between our lips. Something in me burned with embarrassment when I realized that some part of me found the thought appealing. The only thing I wanted in that moment was assurance that Nikolai would never know I felt that. That was my third secret, and the weight of it was heavy against my chest.

Still, though, all of my confusion had not yet left. “Is there much harm in a kiss?”

The question had left an odd smile on his lips. “There’s potential harm in what it could lead to for the woman, but not so much for the man.” He exhaled slowly as my face tensed. He could always read me too well because he was quick to add, “What it could lead to isn’t a bad thing, it’s meant to be pleasurable, but it’s serious.” I did not understand, but a part of me was starting to grow okay with that. Nikolai’s voice had started to become lower than ever, and his gaze remained tense. Perhaps if I accepted the confusion for now, things could go back to normal. If the conversation ended, I could stop thinking of his lips and his hands and what it would mean for them to touch me. “It’s considered a vice, like drinking or gambling.” The additional comment helped more than it should have. A vice--not scary and not painful, but not something to indulge in. That’s enough explanation for now. “If you want to know, I won’t deny you.”

I appreciated the offer tremendously. The vice that comes after kissing is clearly something that’s been intentionally kept from me. It’s something he was privy to that I was not, and he offered it to me like so much else. But if knowledge that my mother feared us kissing made me think of his lips, then I doubted I could handle knowing what comes after kissing.

“I’ll let you know when I want to know, but I appreciate the offer.” It felt like a fair response. His snarky grin came back immediately. Irritation rooted itself in my stomach. I hated not knowing more than him for once, but I still had one question I could not relinquish. “But what does that vice have to do with orders?”

At that, his smugness faltered. “It’s not unheard of, for princes and handmaids--for a prince to obligate a handmaid in order to fulfill his vice. Though many handmaids fill the vice of their own will for benefits.

The explanation left him like a confession. I didn’t understand his hesitance--it’s not like he’d ever make me do anything I didn’t want to do. Even when I worked, he was hesitant to ask me to go out of my way to bring him a glass of water. And I couldn’t imagine gaining anything from offering Nikolai something I didn’t really understand. I wasn’t naive to the fact that my life had more privileges than many palace servants. “Oh.”

His eyes hardened. “You know I’d never--”

“I know.” It was finally easy to smile again. “I never thought otherwise.” Something in him seemed to ease at that, his eyes went from hard to warm in less than a second.

I had no more questions for him and I was also no longer a flight risk, but Nikolai did not move. He did not step back to create a more appropriate distance and he did not drop his arm. His gaze, however, did move--dropping downwards, and slightly away from my eyes. I did the same, my eyes falling to his lips.

The silence between us began to make me feel like something in me was in danger of overflowing. “Then I guess my mother is once again worrying for no reason.” Strangely, I did not feel the need to feel embarrassed about staring at his lips. “Because I would never particularly want to kiss you, Nikolai Lantsov.”

The comment was meant to be teasing, a joke to clear away unknown tension. I should have known better than to challenge his pride because he instinctually moved his hand off the wall and beneath my chin. I did not flinch when he tilted my head upwards slightly with his fingers. “I could get you to want to kiss me if I wanted to.”

Three secrets in one night. I did not think I could bear a fourth one. “Hm…” The ground we treaded on felt unstable, but something in me trusted Nikolai to not let me falter. “I should--I should go before I give my mother anymore cause to worry.”

His fingers had brushed down my chin easily as he dropped his hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

And that he did. The days passed without mention of the last time he asked me to sleepover. It was as if nothing had changed except now I found myself noting things I most definitely did not want to note. These didn’t feel like individual secrets because it felt easy to group each admirational thought into one secret. Soon, that became my new normal--easy banter, easy touches of hands, and easy yet silent admirations of his beauty.

I never wandered too hard about what the vice that kissing can lead to entailed. I didn't particularly want to know, but knowing that I could ask Nikolai at any time brought a sense of security to me. But besides that, I never thought of that conversation until the day I was asked to look for Nikolai because he was late for dinner.

That in itself was odd, most of the time when Nikolai was late it was because he was with you. I checked his room, two other rooms he was known to frequent, and then finally the library. First, I noticed a handmaid two years older than me. I was finally at an age when one begins to compare their beauty to those around them, and I recognized the girl as gorgeous. She was better endowed than me, physically, and she always seemed fun. And then I noticed Nikolai, standing closer to her than I’ve ever seen him stand to anyone. His expression was serious as the girl giggled.

Nikolai’s expression shifted from tense to shocked when he saw me. “Y/n.”

It took me a moment longer than it should have to realize what I had interrupted. Guilt and jealousy were quick to twist in my stomach. “Dinner--your parents sent me to look for you.”

He was quick to walk around the girl, who was quick to glare at me. I attempted to disappear down the hall after mumbling a quick apology, but Nikolai was faster than me.

“Y/n,” he did not hesitate to grab my wrist.

It shouldn’t have irked me the way it did, after all, neither of us had ever really hesitated to touch each other. I had always reached for him when I wanted him, and he had done the same. But the thought of the same hands that touched the most beautiful girl I had ever seen on me left me bitter in a way I didn’t understand.

Still, I pushed through all of that. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, your mother asked me to look for you because she assumed you’d be with me when you were late to dinner. I didn’t think that there’d be--”

“You didn’t interrupt anything.” The words came out flat as his eyes took on the same quality they did the night he explained my mother’s concern to me. “Valaria wishes there was something to interrupt, but there wasn’t.”

Oh. I refused to let the correction inflate me. “Would you like me to not come to your room tonight?”

The offer felt awkward to make. “No,” the answer came quickly, “In fact, go there now--I want to see you right after dinner. I’ve missed you today.” The instruction left my face feeling warm. “We could read an extra chapter of our book if you’d like.”

Despite myself, I grinned. “Yes.”

“Looking forward to it.”

True to his word, Nikolai was quick to return to his room. He had come back to me eagerly, going out of his way to squeeze my shoulder as he entered the room.

I opened the book to the chapter we had left off on, but before I could start reading, Nikolai stopped me. “Sit next to me?”

The question came softly. It had been some time since we sat next to each other on his bed. Still, I moved off of the chair and to his bed. Something in me longed for the familiar closeness of childhood. I allowed him to play with my fingers as I read.

“You know you could take one night off from me if you wanted to.” The admission left me softly, part of unsure if he was still paying attention to my words. “She was pretty, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings if you told me you wanted me to not come tonight.”

Nikolai exhaled easily, squeezing my fingers once. “I said I wanted to see you and I meant it.”

It took all of my energy to push past the way his words made my stomach leap. “In general, if you ever--”

Nikolai cut me off by laying his head on my lap the way he used to. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” It was the first time in years that he spoke to me in a way that acknowledged his authority. “Keep reading please.”

And that was the last time we had ever mentioned other handmaids in that context. The fifth secret I ever kept from him was the way I worried that one day that would change.

--

The door creaks open while I’m in the middle of fluffing an already pristine pillow. Nikolai steps into the room, but I continue to work.

“Darling,” he breathes too easily, “Today has been painful.” I straighten, looking at him as casually as I can manage. “And now I have to deal with you being mad at me.”

Damn him and his ability to read me with one look. “I’m not mad.”

“You know you can’t lie to me,” he sighs, stepping forward, “We’ve known each other too long for that.”

I press my lips together, irrational anger pushing itself into me at an odd angle. “We’ve also known each other too long to keep secrets.”

His eyebrows draw together, a look so quizzical I’m reminded of our schooling days. “What secrets have I kept from you?”

Mentioning that had been a mistake. I exhale as flatly as possible. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” My dismissal only has Nikolai’s expression hardening. I drop my gaze. “Unless you need something, I’m retiring my services for the evening.”

I take a reluctant step towards the door, eyes attached to the floor. “Y/n,” his voice is gentle. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing, I’m just tired.” Please let that be at least somewhat believable. “I’m sure I’ll feel more like myself in the morning.” I take another step, a little more assured. Nikolai’s hand is on my shoulder before I can escape. “Nikolai--”

“Y/n,” his voice is that of velvet, “I can’t have you be mad at me. Not now.”

Sighing, I meet his gaze. The tiredness I see behind his eyes is almost enough to chase away my nerve. What I’d give to be able to melt into our familiar routine. “Then you should have told me you were almost engaged to a literal Saint--the same literal Saint who’s one of my closest friends.”

Nikolai’s expression shifts as his hand drops from my shoulder slowly, fingers brushing down my arm before he finally intertwines our fingers. I bite my tongue to avoid squeezing his hand, but I don’t move to separate us either. He studies me silently, eyebrows drawn together. The longer he stares, the more whatever turmoil he’s experiencing seems to dissipate. After a minute of silence, I can read his expression perfectly. His lips are pressed together in that coy way--the way he only looks when he’s suppressing a smile.

I loathe him for it. “Nikolai Lantsov, don’t you dare laugh--not after what you did. Do you have any idea what it felt like to have Alina casually mention the fact that you almost married her casually? Like that was common knowledge to everyone but me?”

My words break away the last of his self control. He grins, flashing his annoyingly perfect teeth. “Do you have any idea what it feels like for me to want nothing more than to see you and then you let me believe something may actually be wrong when the only issue is your jealousy?”

The amusement in his tone is like poison to me. I find the strength to jerk my hand away from him. “I am not jealous.” He laughs; I am further enraged. “I am not.” The genuineness of my anger must finally register on some level, because he tries to suppress his smile. “I have every right to be mad at my best friend for not telling me that he was almost married.”

“We didn’t exactly come close,” he manages, expression still much too light for my taste. “I’m glad for Alina’s sake, I’m not sure being a Saint would be enough to protect her.”

He is infuriating. “I’m not sure anything you have will be enough to protect you.”

Something in his gaze shifts, softening the tilt of his mouth. “I don’t doubt that.”

I don’t know what I expected from him--but not this. I thought he’d be at least somewhat apologetic. “You should have told me.”

“I would have if I felt it was significant.”

“I’m your best friend--your marriage is significant to me. And even though it’s not like you’re engaged to her right now, you should have told me. You know I talk to Alina all the time.”

He sighs once, a hint of apology threatening to ghost over his eyes. “If I knew not knowing would have upset you so much I would have told you. I was--I was just so excited to be around you again I didn’t see much relevance in anything that didn’t involve you.”

The intensity that Nikolai regards me with is enough to wither all of my fury. But without my anger, I am left spiraling in emotion that I’ve been pushing against for years. My mother’s warning about relationships with those above us rings in my ears--sharp and headache inducing. I am still when he reaches for my hand again, but I do no allow myself to return the gentle squeeze of his fingers.

“I’m not sure much outside of you has significance.” He’s giving me a look I am familiar with. A look he often uses to chase away my anger.

Without my anger, I have nothing to keep me from melting into him, indulging in his presence fully. It’s so easy with him and I blinded myself to the danger of that. He may not be marrying Alina, but one day he will marry someone. A person worthy of his status--and what would I be left doing? Washing their laundry? Tearing up when I dusted the library and came across a book we had read together? Enough damage has already been done--I need to cut myself with this blade now in hopes of making sure I can one day recover.

He will get married one day, and nothing will be the same. And that’s a good thing--he deserves the love of a princess or queen. I want his happiness, even if it’s not with me. But some vindictive part of me hopes that some part of him will miss me. That some part of him will be dulled without me.

I’m a fool--he will remember me as the handmaid from his youth. The girl who made him laugh once or twice before he grew up. I force my hand out of his grasp. “You can’t win me over with words every time.” I need to get out of here before he says something that makes me lose all resolve. “Tomorrow morning I’ll be here to prepare you for breakfast.”

“Y/n.”

I step forward, refusing to look at him. “Goodnight.”

He sighs, his hand quick to grab my arm. Before I can question him I feel myself pulled back. I expect him to pull me just close enough so that I have to meet his gaze. He continues, pulling me sharply before placing a quick hand on my shoulder, forcing me down. My back hits his bed.

I sit up as soon as the reality of what just happened seeps into my mind. “Nikolai, what in the Saints--”

“If you’re going to act like a child, I’m going to treat you like one.”

I scoff, thoughts of escaping him put on hold by the principle of pride. Fine. I’ll beat him one last time, and then I’ll let us separate. I shove him. He laughs--of course this is funny to him. He got to keep fighting past the age of about eleven. His laughter adds to my anger, I move to shove him again, but he catches my wrist easily. I struggle against his hold, shoving him a third time with my still free hand. He pushes me slightly. That’s all it takes to unleash familiar habits.

Our small fight is hardly fair. He has all the advantage--more training, and he’s standing above me. When I finally make a move that might give me some success, Nikolai leans forward. He practically tackles me, his weight forcing me flat against the bed.

I move an arm, ready to push him off of me. Nikolai snags my wrists, holding them above my head. “This means I win.” I roll my eyes, anger returning.

“Let me go.”

He sighs tiredly, but the smugness radiating off of him is suffocating. “Admit that you were jealous.”

There are a lot of things I am willing to do for him--but never that. I cannot give him the one separation I still have. “I wasn’t.”

“Then why are you mad?”

I press my lips together. “I told you--”

“Do you really think you could lie to me?”

“You don’t know me that well.”

Nikolai moves his freehand, touching my chin as a way to ask me to look at him. I meet his gaze hesitantly. “Yes, I do, and that’s never bothered you before but it does now.”

Maybe this is a conversation better had bluntly. “It bothers me now because you’re too old to hold onto the daughter of a palace handmaid and I’m too old to pretend that our different statuses don’t matter.”

“Y/n,” he breathes, “Nothing’s changed. Status didn’t matter to me when we were children, and it doesn’t matter to me now.”

“You can afford to say things like that.”

“What good is my title if it means I can’t,” he pauses, eyes hesitant, “If I can’t keep things the same between us?”

I smile, the sadness of the look weighs on me and I can’t even see it. “Nikolai, you always knew things would change.”

“No, I--”

“You can’t tell me you think your future wife would like you having such a close relationship with a handmaid.” I press my lips together. “One day you’ll fall in love and get married and you’ll want me to leave your bedchamber as soon as dinner is over because you’ll be eager to spend time with your wife.” His gaze hardens. “And that’s not a bad thing. It’s actually a really good thi--”

The last syllable of my sentence dies in my throat. Nikolai, who must be possessed by something, leans down and presses his lips against mine. I beg myself to resist, but his gentleness is everything I’ve ever wanted. He releases my hands in favor of holding my face. That’s all it takes--my hands move without my permission, into his hair--pulling him closer to me. What am I doing? I’m insane. Placing my hands on his chest cautiously, I push just slightly. He’s quick to obey, pulling away while allowing his teeth to brush against my bottom lip.

I gape at him--taking in his now slightly swollen lips. “Nikolai.” He can’t do this to me. We’re friends. Despite the fact that I’ve loved him more than I should--we’re friends. “You’re being extremely unfair.”

He draws his eyebrows together, sitting up quickly and moving off of me. “I’m being unfair? I have spent my entire life loving y--”

I sit up, furious in a new way. “You have not!” This is the dumbest I have ever been. I move to stand, still feeling the softness of his lips against mine.

“Your tooth fell out.” The sharpness of his words forces me to still.

“What?”

I can’t bring myself to turn and look at him, but I’ve always been able to feel any heaviness he bears. The weight of it leaves little room for air in my lungs. “You were ten. I told you ‘girls couldn’t fight’ so you punched me in the face. That was the first time we ever fought--I didn’t mean to hit you in the face, but you moved. You moved and I hit you in the mouth and your last baby tooth fell out. I expected you to cry or get angry, but you just blinked at me and laughed. You were happy to lose your last baby tooth because it meant you were grown up. And then you smiled and asked me if you looked older. If anything, the gap in your smile made you look younger but I told you that you looked like a grown-up because I wanted you to keep smiling. Because your smile made me feel like I won something.” I turn on my heels, but I cannot meet his gaze. “That was the moment I fell in love with you--so don’t tell me I haven’t spent my entire life loving you.”

The weight of his words is harder to survive against than the heaviness of his feelings. “Nikolai, you know we can’t ever be together--”

“Why not?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know,” I manage, voice low, “You almost married the Sun Summoner--”

“That was political--”

“Exactly, your marriage is meant to be political, and if it happens to be out of love--which is what I hope you get, because it is what you deserve--it will be to someone of status.”

Nikolai stands, the movement is that of a king, not the boy I know. “I do not want status or to love someone else--I want you.”

“I can’t take that from you--”

“You can’t take anything from me because I’ve already given it all to you.”

I press my lips together, heart tearing for him. “I love you too much to ruin you.”

My words seem to snap something in him because his eyes darken, the way he watches me adjusting accordingly. “You can’t ruin something that’s always been yours.”

I let myself smile. At him. At his words. At the foolish hope the child in me has clung to after all of these years. I reach for him thoughtlessly, because I have the right to. Because I’ve always had the right to. He’s quick to respond, kissing me with much more security than before.

This time, he pulls away of his own regard. “You still haven’t admitted that you were jealous.”

His teasing smugness isn’t as sour to me anymore. “I wasn’t.”

Nikolai pulls me towards him easily, lips threatening to brush against me, warm breath against my face. “Are you sure, darling? You were awfully quick to claim what’s yours.”

I roll my eyes, grinning so widely I’m surprised my face doesn’t yet hurt. “You’re the one that fell for a ten-year-old girl with a bloody mouth.”

When he smiles back at me, he places a hand on my hip, pulling me forward slightly. “That I did.” He pulls me forward slightly. "Does this mean you can sleep in here again?"

"If anything, this is more reason for me to sleep in another room." He rolls his eyes, pulling me even closer. "But I won't tell if you don't."

Nikolai leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead. "Deal."

tags: @deardiarystuff @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy  @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #shadow and bone #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone imagine #grisha #Grishaverse #grishaverse imagines #grishaverse imagine #grishaverse x reader #shadow and bone netflix

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

#Steven Universe #Steven Universe Future #SU Analysis #(I guess????) #Music #Steven Quartz Universe #Amethyst #Garnet #Pearl #Yellow Diamond #Blue Diamond #Blue Pearl #Yellow Pearl #Greg Universe #Bismuth #Spinel #Lapis Lazuli #Steg #Opal #Rose Quartz #Lars Barriga #Sadie Miller #Sapphire #Ruby #Stevonnie #Falc talks

[jynzandtonic]

I completely and totally do not mean this to be like a “call out” ask or anything argumentative at all I truly think you’re one of the most kind and compassionate bloggers in the adcu and I know people are going to say that it’s all just jokes/being silly/not that serious, but I feel a bit like the jokes/joking outrage at the new character pics have been a bit much and leaning towards the fatphobic/ oversexualizing Adam side of things. I truly do know that most people are just joking around but as a fat person, I basically took “we wanted hot!professor Adam not this” to mean “this” is ugly and gross. And one of my closest friends in the world has early male balding and quite literally almost has the same hairline as Adam’s character at the age of 27 and it’s his deepest insecurity and he genuinely feels like no woman could possibly find him attractive the more he loses hair, and being on Twitter and Reddit and seeing people’s reactions and mocking of those pics really just reaffirmed that for him. I know people are going to maybe roll their eyes at this and say it’s all just jokes and not that deep but there are a few of us that the comments kind of just put a pit in our stomachs. I guess I just wanted people to maybe take a step back and think about the implications of their words a little more and what’s kind of implied (whether intentional or not) when you say you wanted a “hot” character to lust over and this ain’t it. I know the actual costuming isn’t that great and some have said that’s what their reactions were really about, but I didn’t see many “wow it looks so fake that’s what I’m actually laughing at” posts. There were also a few comments I saw and interactions with your posts and some others saying like “oh no well it makes sense that they made him fat and ugly because the character is a horrible guy” also basically implying that being fat and not meeting our standard beauty expectations for men (and women) = you’re a bad gross person. Sorry for my essay here and being maybe a pain in the ass for bringing this up as I know the comments sort of died down now, but it’s still sitting with Jacob (my guy friend) and I and I’m still feeling very shit about my body (not solely bc of the jokes but they just reaffirmed the negative “you’re gross and undesirable” thoughts I already have) so I felt it was maybe worth mentioning. xxx💕

First and foremost, I want to say thank you for reaching out and sharing your thoughts. Don’t apologize at all! <3 Also, please know you can always always always give me constructive criticism when it comes to stuff like this—I want to do my best to learn and grow.

Your feelings are completely valid and your points are ABSOLUTELY worth bringing up.

To address the photos: with the first round of pics that came out, I personally found the costume to be tacky/over-the-top 80s and the wig to look really unrealistic—the more recent rounds of pictures have changed my mind a bit. My qualms were with the costuming, but I didn’t do a good job of making that clear.

It’s 100% on me for HC’ing him a different way than his look in the film—I think my expectations were in part built around the ‘Charlie Barber with glasses’ look à la Noah and in part how I imagined him in the book, so I was surprised to see something so radically different. I deeply apologize for the ways fatphobia and body-shaming manifested in the way I talked about it. 

I’m neither on twitter nor reddit, but I know those virtual landscapes can get truly vitriolic, and I’m so sorry for the icky feelings the posts you saw brought up, too.

Fatphobia is some toxic and pervasive shit, and it truly does carry serious negative implications for how we judge people’s character. 

White Noise is one of my favorite books (I’m a post-modernist nerd and DeLillo just nails it for me), and from my reads of the text, I don’t believe Jack’s character is a “horrible guy,” (though I know some disagree) but rather a flawed and insecure man desperate to cling to a sense of prestige and identity in order to give his life meaning. However, I absolutely agree that some have jumped to the rhetoric that there’s a correlational or even causational relationship between being fat/‘conventionally unattractive’ and being a “bad person,” and I, too, find it very upsetting. What you’re saying really rings true. 

As for the conversation about sexualization, I think AD is a phenomenal actor and I’ll yell it from the rooftops. I watch his films ad nauseam and will rave about his range and passion to anyone who will listen. That said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing sexual desire for his characters, and I sometimes think discussion can wander into vaguely condescending misogyny and slut-shaming when people talk about the ways women and femmefolk should or should not experience desire or consume his content. I think it’s more than possible to appreciate him as an actor and indulge in the thirst at the same time.

Again, I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you for sharing your perspective, sweet anon. I’m sending all my love to you and your friend xoxoxo.

#big hugs to you xoxoxo

[booasaur]

Idk Im closeted with my family and I liked different things about Happiest Season but I felt like it was just badly written. I'm not mad at Harper as a character bc she's closeted, it's a very relatable situation, it's that we see no real remorse from her from the pain she's causing Abby. The set up itself was a bad situation, why would you invite your partner into that situation and not tell them until the car ride over? Just bad writing overall. They say Harper loves Abby but dont show it

The setup didn’t seem so bad to me, it was in service of making sure the movie premise actually happened, like, would it have made a difference if she’d told her at home but Abby still said yes? Much of the movie’s characterization of Harper is that as much as she’s a loving, attentive gf to Abby the rest of the time, with respect to this specific thing, she’s indecisive, drags her feet, is defensive and embarrassed about it, just does not handle anything about it well. That IS the plot, even as she proposes this silly idea of faking a friendship, we’re supposed to be like oh, no, because not only is this a movie and we know things will go wrong, but yeah, she lied about it to begin with and only told her in the car, she is weak when she comes to this and that weakness will be the downfall of this plan.

I didn’t see her as not showing remorse, for either Abby or Riley, the reason she did come out was because of the level of hurt she caused both and not wanting to hurt Abby? Through some of the Shitty GF Actions, as we’ll call them, leaving her alone to fend for herself and the bar and all that, yeah, at that point she wasn’t even fully aware she was hurting her, she was too busy regressing and trying to paper over everything with, it’s fine, it’s fine, but then obviously saw how the suffocating convo hurt her and did apologize, and then got jealous and well, it’s a holiday movie where contrived things happen and people do stupid things.

And another anon:

I guess to add in another piece to the Happiest Season discourse, my issue isn't with Harper directly, it with how the story is written around her. The audience is told over and over that Harper is this great person (great enough for Abby to propose after being together for barely a year) but the audience is barely shown this in her actions. We see a bit at the beginning when they're on Christmas lights tour but it ends there and moves swiftly into gay toxic panic land. The writers needed to show the audience what is appealing about Harper not just tell us

I decided to add this one as well because I guess these two asks really get to what’s puzzled me about this perspective, where Harper is essentially in the position of an antagonist who has to earn the good faith usually just granted to characters in her position. 

Isn’t Abby, a person who clearly is not blind to Harper’s faults when they become apparent, thinking about proposing actually showing us in itself? We can trust Abby, no? At least before she forgave Harper at the end, since so many disagree with that specifically. If we don’t trust Abby’s judgment from the start, then what even is the point of watching the movie? We don’t have to be in love with Harper ourselves, we just to buy Abby’s love for her, which I did. I remember when I tried to gif my miscellaneous Harper/Abby set, I had to whittle it down to 10 moments from way more. 

#replies #femslash related stuff #sent on 20201129 #sent on 20201207 #Anonymous #happiest season #and that's my HS batch for today done

[thewordshakers]

the stars

disclaimer: so. i found this in my files from like when i was 12. i cringed my way through reading it, but... i spent a lot of time on it? and it’s not completely terrible? so here we are. maybe read it? if you want?

In the books left from the old days, they always say stars are like pinpricks of hope, steadfast and unyielding. The stars guided sailors through unforgiving seas, granted wishes upon blithe souls gazing up at the night sky. Stars were a beacon shining through the dark, a symbol of all the good in the world that persevered, even when it seemed it were drowning in darkness. But most of all, stars were what kept the hope of the world going.  

I wouldn’t really know, considering I had never seen one. But I could dream.

When I was six, after having learned about stars and galaxies at school, I set to badgering my father about them constantly. “But why, Baba, did the stars go away? What happened to them?” Baba had chuckled under his breath, then set me on his knee the way he did when he would explain something. “The stars are right there, Alliyah,” he told me, playing with a rebellious lock of hair that had come out of its place in my braid. “The stars are waiting for us, outside. We’re the ones that can’t see them anymore.”

My six-year-old face scrunched itself into a frown. “Why, Baba? I want to see the stars!” Baba had set me down, his face suddenly somber. “The stars come out at night, Alliyah. And we only go out during the day. Promise me that, Alliyah. Always come inside when you’re supposed to, never linger behind. Promise?”

I had nodded, still confused by his solemnity and with a thousand more questions on the tip of my tongue, but then he had pulled me into a hug and there was nothing I wanted more than to stay there, to stay in the warmth and safety that his arms around me ensured. I had bit down the questions, content to stay where I was.

These are the bits and pieces of memories I have left of my early childhood, gently worn down by the continual passage of days, weeks, months, years. The daydreams, however, the hours spent painting vast skies freckled with stars in my mind’s eye? Seven years have passed since I learned about the stars, and those are as fresh and frequent as ever, untouched by the coming and goings of the tides of time.

“Alliyah! Kazem!” my mother calls. “Come inside! It will be Time in a few minutes!”

“Coming!” I tell her, sliding open the door to the kitchen and slipping inside, pulling my twin brother, Kazem, in behind me. The Times are exactly what they sound like: a list of dates and times sent to us by the government dictating when we are allowed to leave the house. No one is permitted to go outside an hour before sunset or an hour after sunrise. Ever.  

Dinner is an affair with stuffed chicken and steamed vegetables, a delicacy that Maman doesn’t prepare often, and one that Kazem and I both thoroughly enjoy. After dinner, I head to my room and stand in front of my bookshelf. The sight of it is familiar and comforting, like greeting an old friend. But lining the shelves are not typical books where a boy rides on the back of a dragon to save the world, or a girl discovers a secret world hidden within her own. Instead, they are filled with every book I could find about the stars.

Along with the wave of relief that comes with every time I see my bookshelf, untouched, there are speckles of irritation, too. I must have read every book on the shelf a million times, but my mother refuses to let me take a look at the books on stars she has in her library. They are locked in a glass case, dark and brooding, and I cannot stamp out the curiosity that comes back every time I look at them. Maman has promised to let me read them when I turn eighteen, but five years seems an impossibly long time to wait.  

Nevertheless, I pick one out to reread and lie down on my bed, just as Kazem walks in. There is a wicked grin plastered on his face, a grin I am well accustomed to. He has on the face he wears when he has thought up some destructive plan with a million ways it could go wrong. It is both his strength and weakness that he only manages to see the one way it goes right.  

Kaz is the troublemaker out of the two of us, though most people would never guess it. That’s what happens when you’re perpetually polite, charming, and seem to have a genuine interest in whatever people have to say- at least in the presence of company. Alone he’s just a pain in the neck. Groaning, I drop my head down onto my pillow and turn to look at him. “What is it now, Kaz?”  

His grin only widens when he sees the book I am clutching. “Alliyah,” he starts, a dozen undercurrents to his tone. “How many times have you imagined seeing the stars? Looking up at them and making a wish?”

Too many to count. Kazem knows that. He presses on, his expression becoming bolder and more confident with each word. “Tonight,” he declares, putting on a bit of a pompous air, “you are going to see them.”

“What?’ I say in disbelief. “Kaz, you know that’s not how it works. The Times-”

“Are just another silly rule that we can bend. Remember how many times we’ve broken the rules together? The only difference is that this time, there’s a real reward. This time, one of your dreams- your one dream- can come true.”

“The Times are not just some trivial rule made by elementary school teachers. The Times are the law, Kazem. You know you can’t just tiptoe your way around them.”  

“Why not?” Kazem retorts, his eyes alight with the fire that ignites whenever he’s concocting one of his crazy plans. “Have you ever really thought about why we can’t go out after dusk?”

This takes me aback. “It’s for our safety, to protect us-” I protest weakly.  

“Said by a president and government that never takes the time to point out what we need protecting against. Alliyah, do you really believe that? It’s just another scare tactic, another way to shut us down, keep us contained.”

I think about that, about the fact that stars were what fueled hope. Maybe the way to shut down hope was to stop people from being able to see it. Maybe, just maybe, Kaz was onto something.

Kazem senses my hesitation and keeps pushing, keeps drawing me into this absurd plan of his. And I listen.

“We leave in 5 minutes,” he finishes off, satisfied, until I hold up a hand.  

“Wait,” I reason. “How do you plan on not getting caught?”

Kaz raises a brow. “Did you really believe I wouldn’t have thought through that? Do you think so little of your twin brother? Maman and Baba fell asleep watching TV in the living room.”

“Forget Maman and Baba. Don’t you think there will be guards, patrols, to keep us from going out?”

Kazem spares me a glance before leaving to his own room. “Oh, the president is too arrogant for that. He won’t be able to imagine anyone would cross his orders. Count on it.”

We set out a few minutes later, sneaking past Maman and Baba, walking down the driveway. I feel a thrill pass through me. This is it. I’m going to see the stars.

As we walk, the sun dips below the horizon in all its fiery glory. Beside me, I hear Kaz suck in his breath. The sunset is beautiful, but I have seen a sunset before, albeit through the glass panes that block out dangerous rays from the sun and distort light. Seeing it in person would leave most people awestruck, but to me, it feels like the curtains closing before the first act of a play. I know the real show, the stars, is yet to come.  

“Are you ready?” Kazem whispers. “The stars should be coming out any moment now.” My stomach twists and turns, writhing in anticipation. I train my eyes on the sky, flexing and unflexing my fingers over and over again. The same glass panes that block out the rays from the sun stop us from seeing the stars, and until now, I’d never bothered to wonder why that was.  

A light sound escapes from my throat and my heart stutters in amazement as I stretch out my hand to point at a dot of light illuminating a patch of the sky. “There!” I exclaim. “Look, Kaz, a st-”

Just as the words are escaping my mouth, I hear a cracking sound. I feel it, too, deep in my bones. I look over at Kaz, who is as still a statue. No, that isn’t right- he is a statue, his expression carved in stone.

A guttural cry attempts to leave my mouth, but the stone crawling across my skin, starting from my toes and making its way upwards, makes it there before the scream does.

A few last thoughts run through my mind. The stars. The stars did this. If the stars were the symbols of hope, then what had mankind done to turn their light so toxic? What had we done to deserve this?

Then nothing. Utter blackness, with no stars to look for. No stars, and along with it, no hope.  

i don’t know if i should tag people in this bc its from a long time ago and i kinda hate it but?? i will i guess??? feel free to ignore this: @ronan-lynch-deserves-the-world @doitforthecarstairs @cirxce @pencil-is-my-sword @xonar-verse

[mad4cheez]

Talked about fanfic with a friend today and then watched Kajillionaire and now all I can think about is a Melanie/Old Dolio hurt/comfort fic that I will never write featuring:

-framing narrative because who am I if not ambitious in my storytelling

-okay so the framing narrative is Old Dolio and Melanie drifting apart because Old Dolio might have friends so many years down the line but she’s never dated or been “properly” loved by anyone but Melanie

-Melanie tells Old Dolio she can go explore her feelings with other people if she wants and it’s a very weird conversation where both are unhappy with the outcome and this whole situation might end their relationship

-but then we have so many flashbacks to the building of this relationship, among which we see:

-immediately following the end of the film narrative, Old Dolio buys some new clothes with some of her third but they’re just as baggy and shapeless cmon a little makeover montage would be CUTE

-Old Dolio continuing to sleep on that little mat next to Melanie’s bed for SO LONG because she’s been so literally touch starved she still can’t stand too much physical contact at once or she WILL burst into tears

-Melanie asks Old Dolio what she wants to do now but she doesn’t know (obviously she can’t keep running the cons like her parents the whole point of the movie was moving away from your abusive past but cmon a lil gay crime is fine now and then dw)

-Melanie tells Old Dolio to walk around LA and see if there’s anything she likes (bc Old Dolio doesnt know what she likes that’s never mattered before)

-Old Dolio does just that while Melanie is at work, and she has this crazy adventure that would be a whole chapter where she decides she likes graffiti art and seagulls and weird synth music and French fries and the colour yellow, and really does NOT like the beach (too sandy) and of course she can’t walk into a mall without stealing something but she only walked away with like a cheap pair of earrings with little cat faces from like Claire’s but her ears aren’t pierced so she gives them to Melanie who wears them for like three months straight

-Melanie also spends this time thinking about what she really wants, but she’s thinking more like “how to make myself happy” bc she was encouraged to be a person growing up

-Melanie decides she wants to cut hair!! And play a sport regularly! And take a pottery class!

-hair school results in Old Dolio learning how to support Melanie. It’s messy but ultimately works because only Old Dolio can dance around that way and remind Melanie what’s really important

-sports is... listen, Melanie isn’t good at basketball per se, but really the trouble comes from Old Dolio feeling replaced

-so of course that leads to another long conversation about friends and feelings and Melanie agrees to help Old Dolio try and find some of that

-the pottery class they take together and Old Dolio is surprisingly good at it but it’s a bust for Melanie. Old Dolio makes friends with the weird old lady who also dresses mostly in track suits and they never speak but they’re pretty close

-we also see melanie trying out different things with Old Dolio like star gazing and clubbing and rec sports and Old Dolio is bad at everything but she likes dancing and she likes being alone with Melanie

-but (very) frustratingly (especially for Melanie), there is no more kissing for a long while after that store kiss. I think there were a few times where Melanie forgets and tries to be affectionate and Old Dolio reacts adversely and then feels bad about it and they have to talk about what they’re both comfortable with

-and eventually of course Old Dolio gets hurt (probably while trying to roller blade) but it’s worse than she’s had to fix before and she’s shutting Melanie out trying to fix it and this (of course) results in a big smooch fest, with lots of checking for consent

-and then maybe we skip forward in the flashbacks to a few months later and Melanie and Old Dolio have found their rhythm and they’re touching a little more but it’s still electric because Old Dolio has to be eased into touch and it’s so domestic and so good. There are still land mines for both of them but they’ve managed to avoid any for awhile at this point. Lots of kissing, no sex yet (cmon you thought it would be that easy)

-Melanie’s introduced Old Dolio to a couple of her friends, some are good friends, some are.. not good. Old Dolio doesn’t know how to deal with this

-one of the good ones (I’m naming him Pavan) nicknames Old Dolio “Odie” and it sticks and she’s weirded out at first (“but that’s not my name” “no silly it’s a nickname. Like sweetheart or hun, but for everyone to use”) but then she grows to like it a lot more (hello heartfelt renaming scene we let go of the burdens our parents gave thank you amen) ((also thank god now I can just call her Odie))

-haircut scene!!! Melanie convinces Odie to let her cut her hair “just a bit” and it actually turns out so well - still long, but shaped nicely and lets people see her face more

-and there also Odie helping Melanie to cut out some of the more toxic friends, friends who are mean and make you feel bad and aren’t we supposed to be looking for what makes us feel good? Maybe this is where they have sex for the first time and it’s so sweet and loving and Odie has no idea what she’s doing but she’s a quick and eager learner and Melanie is ready to go just from all the build up

Listen I’m just emotional about Gina Rodriguez playing a queer woman and having a story about seizing control of your identity and choosing to unlearn everything your parents taught you I guess Kajillionaire was good okay

#Kajillionaire #gina rodriguez #Evan Rachel wood #melanie/Old Dolio #old Dolio #fanfic #ficlet #mine #long post #text #sorry guys I’m bad at mobile idk where the bullet points are #or how to make an under the cut #but I have a lot of thoughts about this #wlw

[honey-makki]

NSFW alphabet with C, I, M, Z, P for Kuroo, please and thank you! Congratulations on 666!

Kuroo Tetsuro

Cjidkdneid. This image showed up as sensitive material which is fair bc it’s got me mad h word on main.

🍭sweet🍭

c- crush

I think he’s actually gonna he pretty confident about it. He won’t take much prodding to do it, bit will wait to see signs that you are interested. Smithing small like a blush on your cheeks or nervous laughter at something that wasn’t really funny. Would pull you aside and ask you to go to one of his games and ask for your number to tell you when it is if he didn’t already have it. Will take you out for food afterwards.

i- inside joke

his pet names for you are exclusively scientists who had weird theories. you really like Tesla and though he was cool and kuroo bullies you for it #einsteingang you hate it but it always makes you blush and roll your eyes. “Hörbiger, can you bring me a cup of ice water?” “Yeah if you call me by my name” “sorry I just think your world ice doctrine is so exciting” (ok world ice doctrine is so funny please read about it)

m- meant to be

You leave him notes around the house and even if you don’t like chemistry or volleyball, you always find a way to include a cute pun or drawing. He finds you one day looking up science puns on your computer and saving them to a document for later use. The fact you would put in that much premeditated effort into something so small and silly to make him happy confirms that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

p- pet peeve

People who don’t “respect” their body. That begins said, he is One™ of the those people. Bullies you for drinking soda talking about how carbonation so disruptive, but he exclusively drinks redbull, coffee and water. In that order. Really does take good care of his body tho, just him being an asshole about it is his toxic trait

z- zzz (in general)

answered here 💞

🌶spicy🌶

c- cum

he doesn’t necessarily have a breeding kink but he does want to see his cum dripping out of your abused holes. Always makes you taste his or your own cum and then kisses roughly. The taste of it makes him groan regardless but having your tongue swirling around him?? He’s hard again if he wasn’t already.

i- intamacy

He likes it most when you are close to him. He always closes any gaps in space between you. He loves leaving small kisses on your shoulder or nape of your neck just to remind you that he loves you and cares about you, no matter how rough he is. also always asks for consent or how you are doing every time he tries something new even though you’ve talked about it before. He just wants to double check.

m- motivation

You are his motivation. He just wants to watch you fall apart. Hearing you moan or squeal, watching you clench around nothing out of anticipation, how many times he makes you cum?? It’s the reason he wakes up in the morning. He is honestly just has happy to watch you be cum on his fingers for hours as he is to cum himself.

p- pace

baby I’m so sorry for your pussy!!! Fast and hard! He likes to see you wimpering at the speed saying it’s too fast while still shuddering in pleasure at every action. It’s not because he can’t control himself or he can only get off going fast, its really your fault for looking so cute like this!! He is much calmer when fucking your throat or ass bc he doesn’t want to hurt you, just make you enjoy yourself.

z- zzz (after sex)

answered here 💞

#kuroo #kuroo tetsuro #kristen answers #kristen thirsts #kristen likes spice #🍭666🌶