#autism and caretaker do not go well together.

[anti-endo-haven]

terrified to even use our sign off for this.

we, well, actually i, have been so fucking scared that this makes us invalid. i once talked about it and our system friends didnt go "oh yeah that happens!" they went "oh... hm thats weird, usually..." and its scared me. im so terrified.

normally, we dont split with roles. our mind and body have a huge struggle connecting, and we have a hard time understanding our needs due to trauma and other disorders (adhd, reactive attachment disorder, undiagnosed autism), so i think that may be why. we have some caretakers and soothers, a worker, a protector, and one alter whos kinda like a gatekeeper but he cant control memories, but thats all ive ever seen. most are fictives with no clear roles.

ever since i figured out were a system, i.. regretfully didnt try to change how we– how **i** functioned. i let everyone do whatever they wanted, and i simply did everything. i tried to function like a singlet while i had 70+ people in my head dissociating or screaming or complaining. sometimes others help, but its not their role. sometimes a few have a mindset of "i dont have to do it, im new here, idk what to do" and i get it. theyre new, they really dont know how to live our life and function yet.

but we never even tried to function as a multiple

we are extremely young, no adult or professional believes us, we arent diagnosed, and were afraid to talk to our therapist because she gives us a weird look and constantly tries to shoot our experiences down as something else.

no one is a true frequent fronter, so i have a hard time thinking of who i could "assign" roles to.

i think my bfain needs help in figuring out WHAT we need help with, because were just splitting alters with no roles. they dont seem to be fragments really, or maybe they are and i just cant tell the difference?? because they feel fully fledged. just no role. its like my brain just gives me random guys on the street to hire or something.

its frustrating, and holy fucking shit my head hurts so bad right now auuggh

It’s not weird to split and an alter have no role upon first being around. It’s normal for a few, if not a majority, of systems. Even we do this.

We give the parts that split with no roles a few days to get their bearings and see if they front or if they’re just around to help out other alters or something else. If they don’t front, they have no role because they’re the only ones that need to know what they do at that given time. If they front? Hey, what role best describes you? We have a list. One doesn’t describe you? Okay, we’ll go to a blog and anonymously ask for a role name with a flag specifically for you and others like you to have a role as a just in case.

Not every alter needs a role or has one that you can tell. It’s okay to not force roles onto an alter.

If you can, try asking them what they’d like to help with. Cleaning? Caretaker. Protecting the body from others? Protector. Things like that.

You’re young. Focus on what you need rather than what others want from you. Be patient with yourself and see what everyone can say in your system to help function together.

#anti endo #did system #system #osddid #endos dni #traumagenic system #actually did #endos not for you #actually traumagenic #did plural #did plurality #osdd plural #osdd plurality

[lykaios2]

hi! This is the anon(Again, still new! Forgive me!) who asked for the bullied sister! This was really special to me, because it reminded me of me and my little brother who gets bullied for being autistic.

Anyways, if it’s not to much to ask, would you do more little autistic sibling? Thank you!!

pt2 of mm turtles with an autistic sibling! semi sequel to this one

as per usual I tried my best to not make this offensive at all because my (theoretical) autism is not very severe (or maybe it is idk I can't wrap my head around the fact that autism is a spectrum and whenever I see people who have more severe forms of autism I feel bad saying that I likely have it)

anyways enough about me, here you go! hope you enjoy ❤️

Leo:

-Leo really likes to be around you a lot to make sure you’re safe, because he knows that it can be very easy for things to go wrong when you’re on your own. He tries not to be a helicopter parent, but he’s just worried about your safety. He’s aware that you can be very sensitive to your environment. One time, he witnessed you have a breakdown from overstimulation, and he almost had one himself. He was so concerned about you, and he didn’t like seeing you in that state.

-He’s learned all of your triggers and everything that makes you uncomfortable, so he can avoid them all. He knows how to help you calm down if you’re about to have a breakdown or panic attack. He’s basically designated himself as your main caretaker.

Raph:

-After Raph finally started getting the therapy he swears he didn’t need, one of the things his therapist suggested to help with his anger issues was fidget toys. He didn’t really have any though, but he knew you did, so he asked if you could share some with him. At first, you told him no. You didn’t want to part with your fidget toy, what if he broke it or lost it, or worse? He understood your concern, and instead asked if you could help him get one, which was a lot easier for you to do.

-Now Raph always has one on him, and a few extra for you two to share as well. Of course, you still have your own that you keep to yourself, but you've warmed up to the idea of sharing some with Raph. There have been quite a few times where you’ve forgotten a fidget toy at home and Raph has had one ready for you, which has saved you a lot of trouble.

Mikey:

-Mikey is very sensitive towards your lack of speech. He knows you don’t like to talk a lot, but it makes no difference to him. It’s still a little confusing to him though, because to him, talking is one of the simplest ways of expressing your feelings. But to help communicate with you, he learned sign language so you could talk to him without having to actually speak. He doesn’t use it himself (he couldn’t get the hang of it with only three fingers) but he still learned so he could know what you’re trying to say with sign language.

-Sometimes you stay after school with Mikey to watch him do improv or perform in a play. You love watching the shows he does, and you think he performs amazingly, but every so often you get this feeling that you could never show and express emotions like he can. You ask him how he does it, and he says it comes naturally to him. He tells you that it’s okay to not know how to express yourself, and that emotions are complicated and often difficult to understand.

Donnie:

-As quiet as you might be, you could talk for hours on end about your interests. And guess what? Donnie will listen. Your time together is mainly spent sharing about your interests, shared or not. Donnie understands that your favorite shows or books or whatever are really important and special to you, and all you want is to share your love for them with someone else.

-Sometimes at school, he’ll introduce you to one of his friends that likes something you do as well. He does most of the talking in the beginning, but after a while you start to hold the conversation on your own. He often sits and listens to you talk, occasionally chiming in, but he’s mainly focused on being proud of you for talking with a new person.

#lykaios writes #tmnt mm #mutant mayhem donnie #mutant mayhem leo #mutant mayhem raph #mutant mayhem mikey #tmnt mutant mayhem #mutant mayhem #teenage mutant ninja turtles #autism

[solar--system]

⚠️Vent Warning⚠️

I keep being reminded of a toxic relationship and I want to get everything off my chest about it. I finally have all the memories pieced together. Something’s mentioned will be triggering.

We used to have an IRL friend with DID. They are actually what caused us to realize we had DID. We used to live together. I got kicked out by my parents and moved in with them. We did everything together. But in the end something changed. We both had our own issues going on, considering both of our disorders, as well as depression, autism, anxiety, the stress of relationships and jobs. It didn’t help that our old host, Quinn, struggled with talking about his problems, with setting boundaries. We’re still learning how to do that, and it’s a real struggle. Our boundaries felt foolish to Quinn. He brought them up as suggestions, not bothering to protest when boundaries were broken. He only considered the issue a minor thing and would move on with life, until it happened again. And again and again and again. In his defense he tried to lay out the boundary better. But new reasons came up to push back against our boundary.

“I’m not feeling well.” “I didn’t take my meds.” “I’m dissociated.” “My tics are acting up.”

And how can you argue against any of that. Our boundaries were broken because of another person’s disability. We just had to accept that, and do what we could. But what could we do?

Here Aspen came into play. If we help our friend manage their disabilities better, then we could focus on managing our own. For a couple of months Aspen played caretaker for our friend. Not that the friend asked for us tot ale care of them, but they didn’t complain when the nightly reminders of meds began. When they came home to a clean and organized room. When their laundry was folded and put away. There were two instances that caused our friend to be unhappy with our caretaking.

1. When it required them to stop playing a game, watching a movie, laying in bed. Often times this would be when Aspen would remind them to shower, eat, take meds, drink water. Although it occasionally would come up with less important things, plans we had made together or with friends, playing with our pets, removing their demon cat from my path.

2. Anytime cleaning was brought up. Aspen was allowed to clean to pups heart content. But if pup ever suggested our friend pitch in, an argument would begin.

While Aspen began fronting more to help take care of our friend, James also started fronting more, although he locked our emotions down after we’d gotten stressed to the point of breaking down. James no longer liked our friend. He didn’t mask that fact very well. We hadn’t figured out we were a system at the time. When Quinn would front all he would know is that he wasn’t happy with the relationship we had with our friend. Between a budding hatred, the overwhelming need to take care of our friend, and the heartbreaking desire to keep this friendship.

The arguments grew more frequent. Friendly chats became short, the distance between us grew, and although we lived together we found ways to hang out with people without one another.

I’m sure it didn’t help when the friends we found outside of one another were getting over a bad breakup, so I’d hang out with my new friend and hear about all the shitty things their friend did or said, only to come home to find our old friend hanging out with them. We didn’t know how or if we should broach their hangout time. It became more unclear when we began speculating that they discussed us on occasion. Our old friend had shooed us away from their conversation once, after hearing a bit talking about our relationship. We decided we didn’t want to listen in again. Feeling hated by our old friend, and an ex friend who we weren’t quite sure how we felt about.

We had stopped having our own interests while we lived with this friend. Everything we did we did together, and more often then not it was stuff our friend liked to do. Sometimes because that’s what they decided, others because we couldn’t decide. We’d listen to them rant about special interests we didn’t care about. Play games, watch videos, do crafts, or go out based on what they wanted to do. So when the distance appeared, that was the first thing James took back.

We began watching our own shows and videos, playing our own games, going out on our own time. Having a special interest helped. We had something to focus on, intensely focus on, besides our relationship with our friend. But still we weren’t happy. The boundaries just kept getting broken, and at this point Quinn had stopped voicing his protest.

Eventually we decided to move out. The plan was to move out of state with family. To start over again, but before we could manage that we had to move in with another relative in state. We packed up our things, after discussing it with our friend, and left. That was about two years ago now. I’ve only messaged/been messaged by that friend twice since I left.

Quinn isn’t huge on ministry possessions, but he does appreciate being remembered, so when his birthday came and went, and a couple days passed with no word from our friend, who had seemed alright with our leaving, it upset Quinn. And that feeling festered inside of us until a couple days later when our friend reached out to check in on us. We never responded.

This move caused us to pull away from our entire friend group. People who were once a quick drive away now felt countries away. We didn’t want to make them choose between us and our friend, so instead we stepped away. Only to find that our friend planned to move to out of state. Before we knew it they were gone, and we had decided to stay. Life with this relative wasn’t fun or easy. The good days were great. The bad days were awful, and most days would find themselves somewhere along that spectrum. More often then not meeting the awful end. Domestic abuse, animal abuse, insults, rage, death threats, coercion and peer pressure. We was offered alcohol, weed, and other drugs, some of which we took, others we refused. This is where we learned of our system.

We lived like this for the better part of a year before we needed an escape. We reached out to our old friend group, worried that we would be blamed for the sudden move of our old friend. But thankfully we were welcomed back with open arms. And after a drunk and tearful conversation with the friend who had been closest to me and our old friend, we sent out a message to our old friend. Saying that we should try talking again.

The response we got from our friend was that we needed to apologize to them if we wanted them to even consider letting us back in their life. This frustrated us. We didn’t think we had done anything wrong, but wanting to be the bigger person, we apologized. Saying that we were sorry for how thing got towards the end. That neither of us were happy and it shouldn’t have ended that way. And that we were sorry. It wasn’t enough though, and we are to filled with pride to apologize twice for something we don’t believe in. And that was the last time we spoke.

That was over a year ago now but occasionally this friend comes to mind. We went through a lot together. I miss them. And I hate them. And I love them. I blame myself for a lot of it, and I hope that comes across. There were many things that could’ve been done differently. Maybe if we said something here or did something there things would’ve been better. I can’t convince myself that they hurt me, because there will always be a part of us that believes we are completely at fault. That we should’ve apologized for more. That we twist the way situations happen in our head to make ourselves the victim.

We’re so scared of that idea that we’d rather become the problem. So we didn’t say anything. To our friends, our family, hell, most of the system didn’t know the full story until now.

Occasionally we’d check up on our old friend through social media. They seemed happy. Which both infuriated and broke us. Tormented by questions of why they got to be happy, while we were still depressed? Why they were so happy without us? It wasn’t often that we checked up on them. Only when we wanted to feel that heartbreak again. Remind ourselves that people can be happier without us in their lives.

Quinn went dormant not long after. He hasn’t fronted in over a year. It was hard for us to adapt. No one wanted to be host, or was successful at being host, so we fronted when we were needed. Some alters fronted longer than others, maybe days at a time, but then they wouldn’t front again for another couple of days, a week if lucky. Overtime new alters formed, believing themselves to be the new host, but each time they’d wind up fronting for a period only to switch out for longer. House is the first host we’ve had in a year.

I keep thinking about our old friend because our friend group has a new friend who looks very similar. Recently we noticed this friend is closer to the friends our old friend was closer too. Old friends best friend besides me is new friends best friend. And just once in a while they’ll appear on my socials my heart will stop… Because I think it’s my old friend and I don’t know what I feel in this moment but I’m pretty sure it can be summed up as panic.

I love you. I miss you. I hate you. I wish we’d never met. I hated you for how you needed me. How you loved me. I was scared you’d give up, you’d die if I left, because that’s what you’d told me long before our relationship became like this. And now you’re better off without me… I hate you. I miss you.

I don’t know if I’d want to talk with them again. To be a part of their life, or have them as a part of ours. But there’s also a part of me that hopes they read this and recognize me. That we can fix what we had an make things better. I don’t know if I’d even give it the chance.

I hate the panic we get from thinking of you, when memories of you resurface in my everyday life. I hate the way my heart drops and my blood runs cold. I hate the ache of know it’s not you and that you don’t think of me anymore. I hate the way you make me feel. Yet I miss you.

I got kind of blurry while writing this, so I’m not sure if it all makes sense or if things are phrased weird. I’m not sure if this is all feeling or if some of it is writing just to fill in space. We might read it some day. When we think of our friend again. Not today at least. Today it hurts too much.

#actually did #actually dissociative #did community #dissociative alters #dissociative identities #endo dni #osddid #traumagenic did #traumagenic system #did osdd #vent #vent post #personal vent #tw vent #system #dissociative system #did system #system stuff #system vent

[digitalcomfortspot]

Thinking about the spaceship AU today

More on Sun and Moon!

This is gonna be a long one folks, just warning ya!

BUILDS

Sun and Moon are very similar because they were created by the same manufacturing company, as part of the same batch. It was an experimental batch made custom for a specific fleet of space faring ships, so they have more personality quirks than some other bots on board made for things like cleaning or interfacing with the public at ALL times.

Every bot is treated with respect, but not all of them have the ability to do things like empathize or emote as well with their body parts. The boys are no exception! Sun and Moon themselves were given screens to emote with, but this doesn't mean they can replicate every human facial expression known to man. It's more... digital than that.

Their bodies were made with similar abilities to interface with the ship, as well as the unique prototyped ability to transform into their ECLIPS-E function. (Emergency Collateral and Input Performance System - Enhanced). Eclipse was made in the case of emergency, and it took a LOT of finagleing to figure out... HOW the two slotted together.

They don't really like remembering how those tests went, and what they went through while testing was honestly something that brought them closer.

CHARACTER CODING AND DUTIES

As for codings, I'm very explicitly stating that Sundrop is autism/anxiety coded, and Moondrop is coded with autism/depression. I don't want these to go unnoticed, and their presentations of these traits will be apparent! As someone with all three conditions, it's inevitable that it will leak into my writing, so I want these boys to reflect that directly!

Sun's autistic tendencies lead to a sense of anxiety because he has his tasks. He LOVES his tasks, loves his work, and he really doesn't like to change it. He's good at thinking on his feet- but that doesn't mean he LIKES it. It takes some coaxing from others who care about him to help him ease into new tasks each day, and too much output towards unfamiliar tasks drains his battery because of the electrical cost on his CPU. New information means more of his body and systems are working much harder to figure our how they work. This process can be eased with a guidance manual chip for the task- but not every task has clear instructions.

Sun's anxiety also revolves around deep care for the people he loves and cherishes. He will forgo ALL routine if someone he cares about is not having a good time, and go into Caretaking Mode- a mode made to help those on the ship who need extra help, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally. This leads some to believe he can be rather overbearing, but when recognized, one can ask him to dial it down, and he's more than happy to do so! He doesn't want to make anyone uncomfortable, quite the opposite!

His caring nature makes him great for ship morale, and his dependent scheduling and ability to plan ahead days, weeks and even months into the future is incredibly important for ship functioning. He also absolutely loves children! He's very good with them, as is to be expected of such a caring, loving bot.

Moon, on the other hand, operates at night.

Moon is incredibly sound sensitive due to his deep connection with the ship. His "hat" disguises a cable that runs with him through the ship. He can watch security cameras, give the ship inputs, and even use it to privately communicate with other bots.

As a result of this, he often gets overwhelmed due to a sensory overload. He's learned to combat this with music, or turning his hearing off- similar to noise canceling headphones. He doesn't LIKE to do this, since it often translates into important information being lost, but he would rather have everything turn speech to text than have to take a break.

Moon's isolation due to these issues have caused a sense of depression to spring up in him, sadly. He doesn't mind working with others at all, really- but the ship is so big and packed that it's hard not to get overwhelmed. He's not only taking in visual and audio output, but the output of the ship as well. It's a LOT for his CPU to handle!

He often finds himself lonelier than he wishes to be. Sure, some night staff are around, but often he does wish people could visit him more often. He understands why they don't though- his lurking the halls of the ship at night, running diagnostics and scowling in concentration(not HIS fault he makes that face, he just does) makes others intimidated of him, as well as of his high position in the ship.

He has a few people who help combat this. Sun, for one, meets up with him just before his shift begins and Moon's ends, for at least an hour. Which leads into...

RELATIONSHIPS

Moon and Sun have worked very hard to maintain their friendship, and found that Dawn works best for them to find time together. Sometimes Moon needs to vent. Sometimes Sun wants to tell Moon about his plans. Sometimes... they just lean against each other and watch the stars.

They matter a lot to each other. They were built together, they understand each other, and will leave each other messages for the other to read when awake.

Moon gets very uppity if Sun doesn't get his rest, knowing how hard he works every day, but secretly admires the rare late night talks with his dear friend.

Sun gets uppity if Moon doesn't take care of himself, not going to maintenance and repair before he's so much as smoking and blowing a motherboard, but he's glad Moon turns to him first.

And that's all I have for right now! This post is getting WAAAYY too long!

#sundrop #moondrop #daycare attendants #dca fandom #dca spaceship au #im just gonna use that til i come up with a better name

[philsmeatylegss]

Thank you for speaking out about this. You're right and it's important for people to talk about it openly. I work with autistic kids as well. I love doing it and usually the kids I work with are really sweet and we have a lot of fun together, but when they're having a meltdown things can get very dangerous very quickly. I had a kid threaten to throw a rock at me once. I had to take a week off of work bc I got a minor concussion after getting a plastic tub thrown at my head. That's nothing compared to what the parents have to go through sometimes. One of my clients ended up going to a behavioral health hospital bc she was so burnt out from caring for her autistic child. The sanitized version of autism that we see online is not always the reality and I'm glad someone is speaking out about it. It isn't ableist to talk about the ways that autism can be difficult for the families and caretakers of autistic kids. It's just a fact, and these people deserve just as much support and compassion as their children.

You just put what I’ve been trying to say into words that actually make sense so I thank you very much for that.

And that is exactly the point I was trying to make, I’m sure there’s many many adorable times working with autistic children. Their minds are usually so creative, unique, and endearing. But it’s also just as important to highlight the not so great parts which includes threats and violence. And know when I say this I place no blame on the autistic individual. They are suffering just as much and it’s neither persons fault. And you made a really great point about how sanitizing what autism is prevents many people to be aware of what autism truly is. And that prevents those people from being able to provide proper support to autistic individuals and their families. And you are right that all families deserve the same love and support.

I also want to add, just as someone who has been around to witness what a classroom of special needs children, specifically autistic children, is like, thank you for what you’re doing. Even if you stop doing it, thank you for putting in the time. The parents of these children very rarely get a break and it means a lot that you care for their children while they get some well deserved rest. I truly believe being a special needs teacher, especially with either young kids are post puberty teens, is one of the hardest jobs mentally. I can say for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to last a week at a profession such as yours. But I just wanted to add a thank you for giving these children a safe place to be while their parents can have some peace

#I could talk about this for hours if I’m honest #but thank you anon for putting what I was trying to say into words that make sense #y’all may have noticed I tend to ramble #and when that happens with a topic that emotionally sets me off #sometimes I’m not the most coherent #but I’m so glad to actually hear dialogue about this topic whether it’s in agreement or not #it’s healing to understand that what I went through was unique #it’s hard to explain #but thank you to those who voiced their opinion even if they disagreed #asks

[rosesandartss]

ASOS Intros: Allistor Mira Raymond/ Allistor King/ Raven King

Allistor is from ASOS! -Allistor uses she/meow/moon pronouns -She is a tiefling and sorcerer/fighter -Allistor is affiliated with Selene, lives in the altena sector, and actively participates in the rebellion started by the citizens of Selene -Meow is pan and a demigirl -Moons spiritual connections are the shade of red that her eyes are, Crow, cats, and ravens -Meows got many a things going on in meows brain, including but not limited to, ADHD, Autism, Severe Depression, Severe GAD, and PTSD

The rundown of meows backstory is that she was born to Xavier and Vera Raymond due to Vera's moms forcing them to bind fates(at the threat of Xaviers entire family being killed) and have a kid. That kid was Allistor. Vera abused her, and believed meow was the cause of her problems. Xavier was not able to be around to keep Allistor safe, because he had to work to support himself and Allistor because Vera wouldn't. When Allistor had just turned 6, Vera sold moon off to some mind flayers, instructing them to kill her. They didn't and instead erased her memory and discarding meow in an alleyway, where she was found by more people paid by Vera to kill her. They left meow within an inch of death, but a young girl named Rowan(she/her) found and healed Allistor. Rowan and Allistor ended up sticking together, since neither of them had a home to go back to, and became the bestest of friends. Allistor also developed a small teensy little crush on Rowan. Woopsie! The two of them met Mix(they/them), and they joined the little group, making them a trio! Until one fateful day, Allistor had her first outburst. Rowan tried to help, though she didn't really know what to do or what exactly was happening and ended up being killed by it. Mix wasn't there when it happened, and once Allistor had the energy to get up, meow ran as far away from the body as meow could. Allistor and Rowan were 11 at this point, Mix was 13. For the next three years Allistor was completely alone. She was miserable, and hardly had enough to eat. Not that meow really wanted to eat, since during these years she believed she deserved nothing but death. Meow over these few years attempted to poison moonself, but was taken to Selene's medic area by an unknown person. Afterwards though, things started to look up, 1 year and a half in, meow found a cat, and named it Ember. She was a little bit happier then, but after a year, Hunters took the cat and killed it, leaving it in front of the area Allistor was sleeping in as bait. Little did they know, they sparked another type of outburst, an anger outburst. They were killed by the outburst in a quite gruesome way, and Allistor left the area, with the new belief that meow was a bad omen.

On the third year meow was no longer at her worst, but she was still in pretty bad shape, the first two years having left meow weak. Near the end of the third year, she was visited by her spiritual guardian, who gave her a little talk about how Rowan wouldn’t want moon to live her life like this, and also that Rowan didn't blame Allistor for what happened. This inspired Allistor to try to live a better and happier life, and start to recover from what happened to Rowan. The day after she was trapped and tortured by guards until Beatrix came along and killed them and took Allistor into Selene with her. Beatrix became one of Allistor’s caretakers after that. Once Allistor was out of the medics area she was initiated into Selene by the leader at the time, Meteor. She took on the Oath of Union and the Oath of Silence, and chose an alias for meowself, Raven, as well as learning the entrance spell to the underground city.

For the first 6 months she lived in Selene, she was mute, though she did have company in Beatrix and Beatrix’s other starling, Crow. He would talk to her every day for those six months, sometimes he told her about some interesting things, other times he would just ramble about his day. After he was done talking he would always ask her how she was doing or if there was something meow wanted to talk about to him. She never replied until one day she finally asked him "Why are you talking to me so much? I never answer so what's the point?" and he responded with "Well I mean you responded now. But if you're wondering why i kept on talking to you its cause its nice to have someone to talk to, and I also didn't want you to be lonely, cause that's no fun" and from there on out they considered each other siblings. After spending the entirety of her first year in Selene only within Selene Allistor wanted to get out and see the overground kingdom again and also get revenge on the guards. Within the time Allistor was stuck underground in Selene out of fear of the guards, Beatrix and Meteor started training her to fight without magic so meow was trained well enough to be able to fend off guards and Hunters when she was with Crow. She would go out and taunt guards and/or lure them away from people they were hurting. Meow also had started her hobby of dancing back up with a new dancing partner, Apollo. They could only do one performance that year since they had to spend a lot of time coming up with dances and practicing them together.

The second year Allistor lived in Selene is when tragedy struck, 3 months into the year Vera hired people to lure out Crow so she could rip his wings off, all to send a message to Beatrix, who had recently killed the Queen’s right hand, Zane(though, Allistor was the one who actually killed him, Beatrix just took all of the blame). Even before that Beatrix had been a thorn in Vera’s side. Crow spent about 3 weeks recovering before starting to get back into the swing of things, Allistor made sure to be by his side the entire time he was recovering. He had changed, he was extremely rude to anyone he wasn’t close with and extremely distrusting of everyone. The second tragedy that had struck was Meteor’s death. She was the leader of Selene and had also became one of Allistor’s caretakers through supporting meow with her outbursts. One of Allistor’s newer caretakers, Oberon, was chosen to be the next leader by the population of Selene. On the bright side, she had performed a few more times with Apollo and they even won a competition together. Allistor had also been getting closer to Apollo, they had started spending more time together and Apollo even gave Allistor some of the flowers she grew, and a few particularly nice gems. Halfway through this year meow broke her mirror in a fit of self-hatred and shoved her hands in the shards of it, and she used moons own healing knowledge to heal them well enough to where they didn’t get infected, but they did leave many scars.

The third year Allistor spent in Selene was a lot less eventful than the others. Allistor and Apollo did multiple performances across Selene and they won an award for their routine. Crow and Allistor tried to escape Starfell Kingdom and failed due to their lack of planning.

The fourth year was also less eventful, Allistor and Crow had plans to try to escape Starfell Kingdom again that were a bit more in depth this time, maybe they will finally get out.

A few more notes

-People in Selene did not like Allistor, due to her outbursts multiple people in Selene were killed or mortally wounded. Most of them were scared of her, but some of them wanted meow gone, whether that be her dying or her just leaving.

-Allistor received lots of harassment from people in Selene

-Allistor has two types of outbursts, anger outbursts and stress/panic outbursts. Stress/panic outbursts use up less energy at once but last longer while anger outbursts drain energy quickly and can only last up to half the time a panic outburst can.

- After bad stress/panic outbursts, Allistor is usually left unable to walk. After an anger outburst(unless it was particularly short-lived) Allistor will pass out.

-Allistor has been missing for 12 years to her living family(other than Beatrix)

-Xavier has been searching for Allistor for those 12 years

-Allistor’s birthday is May 20th

-When Allistor has an outburst, the cracks burn. It wouldn't be too bad if there wasn't so many. The outbursts create a lot of heat cause of the amount of energy being pushed out of Allistor’s cracks.

-The cracks when they first appear are wounds, but after the outburst they become scars. So during an outburst, if its too intense or Allistor is trying really hard to repress it, bigger cracks will appear, and those ones are the cracks that tend to draw blood. The bigger cracks are embedded deeper into her body than the smaller and/or thinner ones, they also are the cracks are more painful even after they appear in other outbursts thanks to the burning. Usually the burning is why shes screaming and crying so much. Moon cant do a ton of moving, due to this and the loss of her energy. It also limits the amount meow can talk since she has lots of  cracks on her face and neck.

-Allistor has a large tattoo of a raven on her back, given to meow by Crow

-Allistor instead of standing up for meowself when she was harassed just took it cause she believed moon deserved it.

-Allistor went on many rescue missions to help free tieflings

-Allistor has had many near death experiences, the current total is above 300

-Allistor is terrified of horses to the point where meow will not sleep during carriage rides unless she’s forced to.

-Allistor carries around many pretty rocks, she also swallows them regularly

-Allistor still carries around the map with all of meows and Crow’s plans to escape Selene

-Along with the plush bunny, Allistor carries around Rowan’s family crest and the pretty knife moon was given -Allistor collects daggers, 4 leaf clovers, small jars, shiny things(specifically silver, gold is Crow’s thing), pretty rocks, red things, and pest ears -Crow and Beatrix to this day don’t know about the mirror incident -Allistor has avoided looking at her reflection since the mirror incident(roughly two years)

this ended up being longer than i expected lmao but it is done now @multi-lefaiye since you asked to be tagged in meows intro post

#asos #a sea of stars #asos intros #asos allistor king #tw abuse #abuse #violence #tw violence #death ment #death ment tw #malnourishment cw #starving cw #suicide cw #self harm cw #animal death #tw animal death #torture cw #violence cw #murder cw #death cw #child abuse cw

[poetandwolf]

just my studio/office where I spend most of my time.

I can not stress this enough, to any younger followers or people who don't have the safe space.

It will happen.

Someday.

It took me until I was 36 to create it. I lived at home until I was 29 (a mix of The Economy, the Grand autism-mo, CPTSD, and being the caretaker of my elderly grandma- which was a blessing honestly you all would have loved her.. She accepted me and was the first one I came out to. Like The Best Human Ever.) from idk 29-33 I lived in a hole in the wall apartment in Florida. Now while the apartment was nice compared to the crime ridden cesspool that was my hometown. It was... Florida. lol. In my home town no one gives a shit if you're GLBT or transition just as long as you like everyone else- stay in your lane. Florida was very different. Florida was painfully passive aggressive and fake.. and.. I quote;

" Its kind of funny for a while, then annoying, then depressing, finally it gets terrifying because you start wondering if these people are rubbing off on you. Its like a giant frenzy of aspiration and lies." - David Grohl.

I came back home to Maryland, and rented with my dad for a few years. I spent a good hunk of my 30s just painstakingly saving every penny I could- not doing things, just having that One Goal. My own ass house. No cons, no bullshit shinny things, no movies. Just... That. And I Did It. And it's Nice. I did almost get my own house as soon as I came back, but because I was still a Florida resident on the books, and it would take a month or two to get the things switched over- that deal fell through. And I had to wait for one with in my budget, and with the things we needed (had to have a garage, cuz, well. Other Job requires it.)

But a mere few weeks after my near fatal 'I shouldn't be alive you have Something Looking Out For You' as the ER dr said Accident. I get spammed with calls and text from my Dad and brother " someone is going to call you about a house. Say you're making an offer." Now, lol. The first they they tell you after your brain gets concussed to never make a huge financial decision. But- House. They text me the address- I check online and it looks cute, it's got enough space. It's prefect and right in the middle of this small little town. I say yes when the realtor calls. They quickly get me in for a tour before work. It's Prefect. It's Home. I'd show vids but my nephew's in it so, hahah. I can't.

I took all these classes, I panicked and got scared and was using One Hand the entire time because my other hand was in cast from the wreak. And they needed this and that and OH ONE MORE THING. And I had to find 'proof' why I made less in 2019 than I did in 2018 because of the Boobectomy and had to disclose "Oh...I transitioned from female to male and wanted chest surgery.." and it happened.

Finally. It was mine.

I sat there with Al's encouragement signing all the papers and was given the keys. I spent the first night in this house on my shitty futon from Florida in the "room with the fridge in it" watching ATLA on a old labtop because the power company was supposed to come by and I had to be there. Spent the first week repainting a room I'd be sleeping in. This whole ass house was the EPITOME of 'Blue'. And I hated the color and wanted greys.

Then we moved in. It took a lot of work, repairing things, freaking out. And it was all over 3 years ago..

it's just my dogs, and Aub/Al- be it spiritual spooky or some weird ass version of DID which compartmentalized into 'not disordered' as my shrinks would put it. It's just US.. By all accounts, a f/o relationship. We're happy. It's nice stumbling about the place planning meals and deep cleaning and doing all that boring domestic shit together. Knowing - this is our home.

[fadavitalis]

Long Distance to Nesting

My very first post on this blog was orginally about surviving my long distance relationship with my (still) partner. I wanted to make this cute ass long story about the longing and everything we went through, but of course in true AuDHD (autism + ADHD for those unfamiliar) fashion I lost attention. That is not the only thing though: going from being at a distance to actually cohabitating is really hard. It can be a dream come true, but you only really get to know how it is to live with someone by doing it. So besides my neurodivergency getting in the way, it was also a matter of not being capable to put time and energy into my blog… and of course a good dose of perfectionism.

When I first met my partner, we were two lost souls with plenty of problems going on mentally, but we were under the impression that our issues were lighter than they were especially on their side. My partner has since been diagnosed with very severe mental illnesses, but to get there came with its own number of challenges. From all that we knew, they were looking to settle together with me and find work or a study to pursue and we would become this dynamic duo of oddballs that could conquer the world.

They moved over to be with me in the Netherlands when I was 21, this was 5 years after our long distance relationship initially began. We moved into a small studio apartment in a big city and just as agreed they went looking for work while I carried on with my study. With not knowing the local language as an added challenge, getting to work was difficult enough, and those they did manage to get into, they were not able to hold down. As their symptoms worsened as they were alienated and suffering from culture shock, so did the did the problems between us.

Without dwelling too long on details and personal information that I do not have explicit consent to share, I convinced them to eventually look for help. The mental health system here is overburdened, especially for the more complex cases. They were on a waiting list for three long years in which I was their only and primary caretaker, next to providing for them off a student loan alone. After so much fighting against the system, they finally managed to get themself a good therapist, and with his help they also got disability benefits so they could have their own income independently from mine.

It was a blessing, immediately our relationship improved as being together no longer was a ‘must’, it truly became a choice. This was a time of much needed healing, heart to hearts, and growth. We found out they are in fact asexual, and that I am pansexual, and that neither of us exactly identify as a binary gender. With jealousy never really having been that much of a thing between us - seriously I only got ‘jealous’ when other people insinuated I should be - polyamory became a healthy and natural choice for us due to our differences in needs and wants out of a relationship. It took me especially a long time to accept it, having been raised a Roman Catholic, and having to take some years of learning about polyamory and unlearning mono-normative instincts before I dared to apply it to our relationship.

It is all well that ends well now. We have been together 15 years and counting, and have been poly for about 4. We have been through hell and back together, something we could not have foreseen while we were still in a long distance relationship, and looking back I sometimes wonder if I had made different choices with the current knowledge. Hindsight is 2020 though and that was a shit year for the most part, even if it is the year I met my girlfriend. I am happy we live as a polycule now, finally in a home with enough space and love to go around. The system that left us to struggle and go hungry still is terrible, but that is why I became politically active, and why now we fight to change it.

Going forward I doubt I will write long essay-like blogposts as often as I have right now. I just felt like this blog might have needed a decent introduction, and some background information to what led me to be the person I am now.

#ldr #love #nesting #hardship #queer #neurodivergent #romance #intersectionality #mental health

[shwarmii]

shout-out to my Shakespeare professor who was one of the most put-together ladies i had ever met

i had her during 2020, so the end of the semester was online due to quarantine. but everyday, in-person or online, she themed her outfits around the play we were studying. and as much as i loved Ms Frizzle, when i say that she themed her outfits i dont mean this professor dressed like Ms Frizzle; if anything, she dressed more like the world's most Ms Frizzle-Like Version Of Miranda Priestley. this woman dressed in silk and carefully draped her blazers and wore pencil skirts or pleated pants with luxury high heels. she had the softest-looking waterfall of white hair i had ever seen on a woman. always had her nails and make-up done to match her outfits. i get the idea of planning outfits around Shakespeare plays seems a bit kitschy, but her wardrobe also screamed classic, wealthy silhouttes. she had a sun outfit for the Romeo & Juliet balcony scene, she wore all black for the mourning scene at the end of Romeo & Juliet; she wore an all white and silver-jewlery outfit to symbolize the moon in what i think was a specific passage of Midsommer's Night Dream and she also wore a green, leaf-print outfit with fairy-inspired jewlery for Midsommer's closing i think. it's been three years since i saw her and i have chronic memory loss (and my memory is all Bullet Points and no visuals, weird, i know), so the details are fuzzy, so i just really remember the overall impression and vibe; but i do have a notebook somewhere in which i wrote down notes in the margins detailing what she wore because i was so amazed at her fashion sense and dedication. like, even if i dont remember specific outfits that well bc of my own neurodivergencies, THAT'S how much i liked her outfits, i recorded them individually to spite my chronic memory loss (...i just need to find my Shakespeare class notebook lmao rip). but yeah, it was all very much what you'd expect a fashionable CEO of interior design or a television network to wear. she knew how to look good and relied on classic looks and silhouttes with that play-themeing. and even though i have been describing her to look severe, esp with that Devil Wears Prada reference, i feel the need to iterate that she's a very giggly, always smiling, squeal-happy, elderly woman with a very "Oh, I might complain about men in a generalized sense to analyze all the men cast in these plays but obviously I do not mean like the men in my class, of course not, you darlings are perfect, you're English majors, of course I do not mean you, you're special" Obviously Joking sense of humor (she made the same jokes about the women in her class tho, dw, her coy "my students are perfect ♡" jokes hit everyone she could aim them at), i loved her. she carried around a purse that was formatted to look like a Complete Works Of Shakespeare book; and for her introduction on our first day, she facetiously cuddled her purse with pursed-kissy lips and announced loud and proud (and with many "I can't take myself seriously" giggles) that she was a single, never-married woman whose closest thing to a romantic partner was The Bard himself

i just keep unintentionally remembering her as i myself spiral, thinking of all my chronic health issues and my combination ADHD-Autism and how my each-labeled-"severe" mental illnesses, my C-PTSD and Anxiety and Depression, means i find it hard to sit next to people sometimes bc their presence just feels so pressuring. like, i just feel stiff with my shoulders high and i am uncomfortable. it's only sometimes, but i still panic that-- what if on top of the flare-up days and the bad brain days and asexuality and caretaking and potential medical debt-- what if i cant even share the couch and need to get up and leave to go sit somewhere in private? doesn't that make me a failure somehow? do i maybe not want romance like i have hungered all my life for? am i too damaged or was i never made for it, or am i only wondering this because i am single? because it is a hypothetical, because i havent met someone yet? or would i be better off with a queer platonic partner, or maybe even no one? would my ideal future be me with no one? i felt so safe and at peace, albeit lonely but never debilitatingly, when i live alone. maybe i just need to meet someone i can feel safe with. maybe that person doesn't exist. maybe im not aromantic, but im just not going to meet any person like that, statistically. i dont think i am aromantic anyway. but would "the worst case scenario" (it isn't the worst, but the unloved parts of my brain likes to act like it is) being single forever really be so bad?

and the past day or so, i then think back to that Shakespeare teacher, who i am pretty sure is aromantic but either doesn't know or care about labels (and i feel like she might be because of her diction towards these men she self-admittingly had "very shallow" attraction to) as she is at least 75+ years old and identifies herself as a cis woman attracted (at least mildly) to men. she told us once that she's gone on plenty of dates, she's had men move in with her, but then she needs her space back because they breathe too loud or something else feels too suffocating, and now she's something-odd years living happily single and alone in her home with all her books and no loudly breathing partner around, and how happy she is with her life. not to mention how reading Shakespeare and teaching about him is all the partnership in her life she openly thinks she will ever need (which, i have my own inner qualms about her choosing Shakespeare of all people, but, sure, she's a Shakespeare professor with a doctorate in his plays, it makes sense she'd joke about hitching to his wagon alone and no Properly Romantic partners, fair, fair, fair enough lmao)

and it is so nice, even as someone socially raised as female (aka. still grew up with the whole "spinster, get married young, anti-aging" rhetoric) but identifies with they/them pronouns, to see a woman in real life be old and never-married and happy. all the women i otherwise know are either single and at my age (and almost all of them plan for marriage, or at least having a lifelong partner, in their future), or are women i grew up knowing that either are still married or were married. i never knew an older woman who was unmarried her whole life long (nor a man, actually? i think??), much less an older genderqueer person. and it's just really lovely to remember that even with the parts of you screaming "UNLOVED UNLOVED UNLOVED" to know there is still a future where, even if no one else has got you, that you yourself do. you can protect your own peace as you get older. and you can still be happy

it doesn't fix me automatically, of course. but it's comforting to have a real-life example like her to hold onto, to remind myself that even of "the worst" happens and i never marry: it's okay. that's a perfectly fine option. i'd be in pretty good company

#diary dump #shwarmi #me #idk i just needed to vent about this bc i sat next to my mama for 2 stiff hours before i internally went ''i cant take this anymore'' and #feeling very much like garbage the whole time about Why The Fuck Can't I Even Sit Next To A Loved One Without Being All 😰🫨😵‍💫🫠 About It #thanks Shakespeare Prof for reminding me life is long and its fine to do it on my own. i needed that #i wish i knew a way to tell her thank you for that comfort without it feeling creepy or self-deprecating ugh #anyway TOTALLT UNRELATED ive been fantasizing about owning my own house with just me and only me in it recently.. ♡

[missmentelle]

What makes a codependent relationship? Is it healthy for someone to rely on you as a constant source for support, talking all the time? Getting seperation anxiety and experiencing extreme stress when they are without you? Is it selfish to not necessarily reciprocate that stress?

Let's start by defining what a codependent relationship is.

In a codependent relationship, one person (the codependent) consistently enables the dysfunction of another person, often assuming a "caretaker" or "protector" role. The dysfunctional person usually struggles with a serious issue that may make it difficult for them to function on their own - often addiction, mental illness, or serious underachievement/irresponsibility - and the codependent partner will make extreme personal sacrifices to take care of this person and shield them from the consequences of their actions.

Codependent relationships aren't always romantic relationships - they can be found between friends, parents/children, coworkers, other family members, or any other type of relationship. Wherever they exist, are very unhealthy for both of the people involved in them. The codependent person focuses so heavily on the dependent person's needs that they entirely neglect their own, while the dysfunctional person is enabled to continue being dysfunctional and is often prevented from making any kind of progress toward recovery.

Common traits of codependent people include:

a fear of being alone. They often seek out relationships with people who will depend on them and encourage that dependency to ensure that the other person will not leave them.

extreme fixation on the feelings and needs of others. They often view their own needs as unimportant or secondary and prioritize the needs of others, even when this has not been asked of them.

a compulsive need to "fix" the problems of others. when they see a person who is struggling, they feel the overwhelming need to step in and start "fixing" the situation, even if doing so is not their responsibility.

low self-esteem. They often have chronic issues with self-esteem, and don't feel that they "deserve" to have their own needs prioritized. Their self-esteem is often tied to their ability to maintain their caretaking role at all costs, even when it is incredibly harmful to them.

controlling and perfectionist tendencies. Codependent people often struggle to cope when they don't have high amounts of control in their relationships, or when things aren't done "just so". They gravitate towards caretaking roles where they have high amounts of control, and struggle to let go.

external locus of control. They often feel powerless in their lives, and feel that they simply have to accept their circumstances and the way that others treat them.

high capacity for denial. They often cannot or will not see problems that are right in front of them, and refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of a situation - the house will be burning down around them and they'll refuse to even admit that it's getting a little warm.

a history of interpersonal trauma or abuse. Codependency is often a learned behaviour - many people who fall into these patterns experienced codependency from their parents, or witnessed their parents' codependent relationship at a young age. Many have also experienced extreme emotional abuse, from their parents or a past partner.

a strong need for approval. Codependents need to be liked. They need approval. Doing things for others and letting others walk on them is the best way they know how to gain that.

boundary issues. They often cannot and do not set personal boundaries - they take a "Giving Tree" approach to helping others, endlessly giving even when it seriously hurts them. At the same time, they may overstep boundaries to try to fix others' issues, even when it is not their responsibility to get involved.

a lack of personal identity. The codependent relationship often becomes the focus of their whole life. They invest so much time and energy into it that without it, they wouldn't know what to do with themselves.

a tendency to be drawn to close relationships with substance addicts, alcoholics, people with personality disorders, or other codependents. Codependent relationships are usually not a one-off thing - they tend to be a recurring pattern in a person's life. In particular, people with untreated BPD often seek out relationships with codependent people, as they tend to prefer relationships with people who don't set personal boundaries and are willing to provide the extreme amounts of reassurance and caretaking that they need. People with BPD also tend to be codependent themselves, further complicating things.

an appearance of being "addicted to chaos". Codependent people often appear to gravitate toward drama, dysfunction and chaos. Having relationships with people who have healthy boundaries, autonomy and stable personal lives often holds little interest for them - they prefer relationships where they feel needed and depended upon.

Codependent people often have a "martyr" or "victim" complex - they often feel that it is their lot in life to suffer for others, that self-sacrifice is a key part of their identity, or that suffering is simply a part of loving someone. The idea that they should set expectations in a relationship, leave a relationship where they aren't treated well or have an identity of their own outside a relationship is something they struggle with. They often hop from codependent relationship to codependent relationship, becoming steadily more beaten down and burnt out in the process - breaking free from codependent tendencies can be a long process, and often requires professional help.

There is a lot of variety in what codependent relationships look like. Some examples of codependency in action would include:

A mother allows her chronically unemployed and irresponsible 38-year-old son to live with her, and does everything for him. She never confronts her son about the fact that he doesn't contribute financially or help out around the house, even though it's placing a great financial and personal strain on her. When other family members ask why her adult son isn't taking steps to get his life together, the mother becomes highly defensive, and may make up lies about the progress he's made, or insist that he's still young and that this is normal for his age.

A woman assumes the role of "caregiver" for her unstable and very mentally ill partner. She bends over backwards to keep her partner happy, and doesn't seem to notice or mind that her partner never does the same thing in return. Her partner constantly burns bridges with their own family or friends with their explosive anger, and she rushes in to make excuses and try to fix the situation. When friends raise concerns about the relationship, she brushes them off, insisting that she's happy and everything is fine.

The parent of an autistic teenager infantilizes their autistic child, and insists that the child needs much more care than they actually do. Being an "autism parent" is a huge part of their identity. The child has never been allowed to attend an overnight camp, go for sleepovers or stay at home with a babysitter, as the parent is highly fearful and believes that other people will not look after their child properly. The parent strongly resists all of their child's attempts to gain more independence, insisting that it's too dangerous or that the child cannot handle it.

The US version of the television show Shameless is almost entirely centered around codependent relationships. The main characters are all in codependent relationships with their alcoholic and dysfunctional father, Frank. Although the main characters are often angry with their father, they constantly allow him back into their lives no matter how horribly he treats them - at times, they give him money, provide him with alcohol, let him move back into their house, visit him in the hospital and cover him with a blanket when he passes out on the floor. The boundaries they set with him never last long, and they always resume having a relationship with him, even after he does things that most people would find unforgivable.

So with that said: is it healthy for someone to rely on you as a constant source of support?

It sort of depends.

Relationships are supposed to be a reliable source of support for both of the people in them. That's sort of what they're for. I worry sometimes that the internet is making us too transactional in our relationships, and too quick to think that someone is taking advantage of us if they constantly turn to us for support. It's normal to find comfort in your relationships, and to turn to your loved ones whenever you need someone to talk to. I talk to my partner, my parents and my closest friends every day - that often means mentioning things that we’re stressed or anxious about, or venting about problems in our lives. Sometimes people are going through something and need extra support for a while - that’s just a normal part of close relationships. 

With that said, there are times when someone leans on you too hard. If helping someone is starting to take a serious toll on your own life, that’s a problem. Every relationship needs boundaries; if your boundaries are consistently pushed or broken in the name of supporting that person, it may be time for a serious talk. Staying up until 4am to talk someone through a crisis is fine if this is a rare occurrence. Staying up until 4am to talk someone through a crisis multiple times per week, every single week, is an issue - that’s you sacrificing your own need for sleep, and something needs to change. Are you willing to set boundaries and balance your own needs with your friends’ needs? Is the other person willing to respect boundaries, or do they lash out with anger, guilt-trips, accusations of not caring for them or threats to harm themselves? 

If you and a friend are both willing to communicate and work on establishing boundaries, I think it’s fine for one person to need a lot of support. If the relationship is damaging for you and one or both of you just isn’t able or willing to discuss boundaries, that’s a sign there could be some codependence going on. 

A person experiencing separation anxiety and extreme stress when you aren’t around could be an issue - but again, it depends on how it’s being handled. Is your friend able to cope with this anxiety on their own, or are they constantly putting this anxiety on you? Are they blowing up your phone and getting anxious if you’re 10 minutes late answering a text? Do they ever try to guilt-trip you or blame you for triggering their separation anxiety? Do they accuse you of not caring about them if you try to take time for yourself? Are they jealous of your other relationships? Is their extreme stress taking a toll on your life and preventing you from having other relationships or having personal boundaries and space? If your friend is willing to work on boundaries and find healthy coping mechanisms for their stress, this might be something you can overcome. If your friend is burning you out and one or both of you is unable to set boundaries, this might be a very unhealthy situation. 

Not feeling the same stress and anxiety, however, is definitely not selfish. It’s not healthy for someone to feel that level of extreme stress and separation anxiety - it’s not your friend’s fault that they experience that, but it’s still very unhealthy. The fact that someone feels an unhealthy attachment to you does not mean that you should feel an unhealthy attachment right back. No one benefits from that. In any healthy relationship, both people have a life and identity outside the relationship. This is, fundamentally, the issue at the core of many different unhealthy relationships - whether they are codependent, enmeshed, or abusive.

 Being so attached to someone that you can’t handle them needing friends, hobbies, space and independence isn’t a compliment or something to aspire to - it’s just unhealthy.

Hope this answers your question! MM

#AnsweredByMM

[luna-helps-writing]

Could I please get an Lotr and The Hobbit Matchup?

☘️ 18yo Woman // Bisexual // Autistic and Disabled

☘️ I really love Mythology (Worldwide), Gardening, Home Remedies and Superstitions, Biology, Witchcraft and the Arts. I hope to begin crafting things like Jewelry, Weapons and Kilts, possibly even making a business out of them. I am also an avid writer and like to draw.

☘️ I’m interested in Witchcraft, such as working with Deities and Spirits, and performing magic that helps me and others. The first spell I ever performed was a healing spell for a sick friend, and not thirty minutes after I finished it, I got a text saying he felt a lot better, so I guess it must’ve worked!

☘️ Because of my Autism, I can be rather shy or quiet and quite blunt. I like explaining and teaching people things. I’m very polite but I have been known to go off when pushed enough. I’m also a bit of a trickster, unpredictable and wise in an unconventional way. I have the personality of “I never start shit, but I always finish it”. When you get to know me, I actually have a really good sense of humor and a spunky personality, but it can get buried under the nervousness a lot. I also have a strong sense of duty to others, I’m very protective over fellow misfits and am always kind and polite to those I deem worthy of it. I’m very conflict averse, but when I’m deeply upset enough, I go for the throat.

☘️ I am very short, with a fluffy mane of brown hair, blue eyes, crooked glasses, and pale skin with lots of scabs and moles all over it. I love to wear skirts, especially my red hand-me-down kilt, but that doesn’t limit my tomboy attitude at all

☘️ I have the bizarre ability to attract and befriend random animals. So far, I’ve befriended a stray cat named Diablo, a dog named Hans, a backyard snake, my pet rat Canoli, and a young horse named Fileo. People tell me that animals like me because I have “good vibes” and am very close with nature

☘️ I LOVE going outside and getting messy. Playing in the mud, getting soaked in the rain, I’m the type to go outside and come back home covered in dirt and twigs. It’s just really fun to me.

☘️ I have a habit of giggling to myself just by remembering something funny that happened, even if it was a couple years ago. I also laugh when I do something stupid, because I find my flaws and shortcomings funny for the most part. I love to laugh with people, but never at them. I never take myself too seriously, and I have a pet peeve for others who take themselves and silly things too seriously as well

☘️ My closest friends say I give off “Dwobbit” vibes. That’s a ½ Dwarf and ½ Hobbit btw. I’m around 4’ 10” tall, I don’t shave, I love crafting and art, I live in the Mountains, I’m tomboyish but I also love gardening and can be a bit of a homebody, I love going barefoot, etc.

☘️ I’m basically like a tiny, less-impressive Aragorn. I love travelling on foot, getting messy outside, I was kind of a Horse Girl as a kid ngl, I’ve always wanted to be a knight or king of some sort, chances are that I haven’t bathed in awhile, and I too would pine for a hot elf girl for literal years on end.

Sorry this description is so long, I hope you don’t mind! Thanks so much dear! 🤗🎉💕

Don’t worry about the long description! Thank you for your ask!

For the hobbit, I ship you with Fili!

• Personally, I believe that Fili would go absolutely crazy for witchcraft. His reaction at Tauriel when she healed Kili said enough for me.

• He would have no trouble helping you with your jewelry or weapons. It’s basically his expertise and he loves teaching you all about it!

• Your autism doesn’t bother him at all. He knows how to help, but he also knows exactly when to let you be. Comments that sometimes slip out seems normal to him, as he grew up with a brother who might’ve had the same issue....

• Often takes walks with you. You’ll go anywhere and everywhere. Sometimes, when he feels bold, he’ll launch at you, pushing you into the mud or into the water. Not that you mind. You drag him with you before he can take a step back!

• Your laugh might yet be one of his favorite things. There’ll be times when the two of you are sitting quietly and you suddenly let out a giggle. He cannot help but smile at you and join your laughter, even if he has no idea what’s so funny.

• And last, but very not least, he is an amazing caretaker. He will join you in fun activities, but he will know when and where to draw a line. He’ll remind you to take baths, and if you decline, he’ll probably propose to join you.

For Lord of the Rings, I ship you with Aragorn!

• This sweetheart barely knows any life outside the wilds. Traveling with you would be amazing for him! He’ll show you the prettiest places in Middle-Earth and introduce you to the greatest animals to walk around. (To which you interact with in a great way, much to his surprise.)

• He himself knows a thing or two about home remedies and biology, but your witchcraft takes him by surprise. Sure, he has seen it before, but now he personally knows someone who is great at it!

• It is absolutely no surprise that traveling with a ranger can get messy at times, but you don’t mind at all. Sometimes, he’ll just brood off into the distance and you’ll throw something at him like a pinecone or a piece of mud. He sees this as an immediate challenge and will not stop chasing you until you surrender.

• Aragorn loves how blunt you are. Sometimes, you can’t help it, but he won’t mind the comments at all. He appreciates them. There are multiple times where you’re very shy, but he’ll stand up for you, urging the person to talk to him and not to you.

• He teases you a lot about your laughing. There will be times where you suddenly laugh, and he’ll imitate you, which makes you laugh even harder.

• The two of you together are a great combo! He is there to help when you need it, while you do the exact same for him, because even our favorite ranger sometimes needs help, though he will not confess it.

My second choice was Éowyn, but Aragorn seemed a better fit to me.

• Often play fights with you. It’s great for your entertainment and great for her sparring experience.

• Seems like a sweetheart, but if anyone dares mock you, you can count on her to rain hellfire upon that person. You will definitely need to calm her down.

• Might he the most blown-away person by your witchcraft. She will buy you all sorts of gifts to help you. Sometimes she’ll bring something that you don’t really need, but you appreciate it nonetheless and proudly display it.

• LOVES HEARING ABOUT MYTHOLOGY. Before you go to bed, the nights are spend by you telling Éowyn stories. It could be about anything, but she is all ears. She even has a little notebook where she writes the things down you say. It’s truly adorable.

I hope it was to your liking! Have a great day and stay safe please❤️

#self insert quotes #requests #eowyn x reader #aragorn x reader #fili x reader #send asks #requests are open #self insert quote

[xcherry-popx]

if its not too weird to ask, could you write some posts abt rad + asd (either one or both/abt comorbidity)? cuz i wanna find more info abt them & i saw stuff saying asd/rad cmrbidity was impossible too & think i may have both. i have zero access to mental health help atm and will for a pretty long time so im just doing what i can as i wait, document my symptoms and stuff and try to cope, for now. (btw im saying this 2 clarify tht im not trying to be invasive or out of curiosty. sry its so long)

It's no problem! Honestly, I'm excited to hear about someone like me, with how uncommon it is. No need to worry about it being long, because my answer ended up long as well ^-^;;

I wrote this quicker than I expected, so please forgive any mistakes, and feel free to ask for clarification. 

I’m mostly going to use the term ‘RAD’ (reactive attachment disorder), but a lot of this information applies to DAD (disinhibited attachment disorder) as well. I was diagnosed when they were still grouped together as RAD.

If any information does not apply to both, I’ll specify the differences between them.

First off: there is no reason autism and RAD can’t be comorbid. Now, most psychologist insist that they cannot exist together, but this is outdated. Unfortunatly, because RAD is so uncommon, very little discussion occurs, and thus any progress in understanding the disorder takes a bit of time.

Fortunately, some discussion has begun. This study is one from 2017. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27895198/

As of now, it’s the only scholarly discussion, but hopefully that will change in time.

Essentially, autism is something you’re born with, while Reactive Attachment Disorder is the result of severe neglect or mistreatment.

The study found that several children diagnosed with RAD met the criteria for autism. The difference in children with autism and RAD vs children with only RAD can be distinguished by focusing on traits specific to autism.

That’s actually how I first suspected I had both: I looked through several diagnosis lists and checked whether I had symptoms exclusive to each list.

One of the current diagnostic criteria for RAD  and DAD is that the child cannot also be diagnosed with autism. This is because RAD, and later, DAD, were often used to explain ‘autistic-like behavior’ in children who either did not show signs of autism early on, or who experienced severe mistreatment.

The main reason this is outdated is because it relies on the belief that autistic individuals do not form attachments to caregivers, which many autistic people will tell you is false. That all relates back to the idea that because autistic people show affection differently, they do not feel it the way allistic people do, which is, again, false.

It’s often difficult to get an RAD diagnosis, much less one along with an autism diagnosis. However, it’s not impossible, although for me it involved two different diagnosises that my grandma and I realized made most sense together.

Under the cut, I’m going to talk more generally about RAD and DAD as well as about my experiences.

 You said you don't have much access to mental health help, but I felt I should include this next segment anyways. 

Attachment therapy, one of the most well-known treatments, is harmful. I would suggest avoiding it. It goes against attachment theory, the basis of RAD. I don’t say this to scare you, but it is coercive and has resulted in death in some cases. You can look into it yourself, but it is rather sickening for me, so please take care if you do so.

While most advice involves making sure the child has an emotionally available ‘attachment figure’, usually a caretaker, that assumes you would want someone to connect to that way.

As someone with inhibited type RAD, I always struggled when people asked if I wanted to be closer to my grandma. To me, we were like strangers, maybe coworkers. I didn't want to open up to her, and so I still don’t.

I believe that, while it’s nice to have a friendly relationship with caretakers, it’s not necessary. For me, it’s always been more important to have friends I can open up to.

Don’t feel pressured to form an emotionally intimate relationship if you don’t want to or feel ready for it. I still don’t think I’m close to my grandma, but we feel like acquaintances now, and that’s enough for me. You don’t have to force a relationship, but don’t be afraid if you want to start one.

Of course, you may have different experiences, or be in a different place with your caretakers, but since I've struggled with that aspect I wanted to talk about it.

Most treatment for RAD is under the assumption that the child is young, which I assume you are not. In general, I suggest finding people you can trust, if you don’t have them already. I don’t want to make too many assumptions here, so if you want more specific advice feel free to ask me.

While RAD is the result of mistreatment such as abuse or neglect, it’s rare even among those who have experienced such things. There’s some debate on why it occurs, and I believe many theories suggest disposition can make one susceptible? But I’m not entirely certain on that front. Also, I’d like to clarify one thing. While most criteria says the mistreatment must begun before age five, it’s not necessary. What happened to me was when I was 11, and it changed me enough that I gained a official diagnosis of RAD a few years later. What matters is how it affected you, not when it occurred.

Now, I’ve mentioned there’s a difference between RAD and DAD, but I haven’t specified what it is. I'll explain that, but to do so I need to talk about how they form.

The basis of RAD and DAD is what’s called attachment theory. This states that young children need strong bond with at least one caregiver to develop. The bonds with their caregivers dictate how their attachment style forms. However, RAD and DAD have their own types of attachment, referred to as inhibited attachment and disinhibited attachment.

They used to both be classified as RAD, separated under the categories ‘inhibited type’ and ‘disinhibited type’.

Many people with inhibited or disinhibited type will show signs of both, but can usually be classified as one or the other. I am inhibited type, but when I was younger I showed signs of disinhibited type in places such as school.

Inhibited attachment is what’s known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. It’s more common in mistreated children. This type is when a child avoids or ignores caregivers, often not showing affection unless convinced to.

Disinhibted attachment is what’s now known as Disinhibited Attachment Disorder. This is more common in children in institutions or group homes. This type shows affection to any and all adults. They are quick to trust strangers. When my grandma worked in foster care, she had some children who, after less than a day of meeting her, would cling to her leg and beg her to take them home.

In this case, inhibited types struggle to form attachments, while disinhibited types will form attachments quickly and easily, with no preference towards their caregivers.

I think that’s all for official information, so I'll talk a bit about my experiences with RAD.

Honestly, it’s isolating. It’s often seen as something that happens to children, and no one talked about adults with it. There’s numerous psychologists who’ll misdiagnose it in foster teens for not showing affection to adoptive parents ‘the way theyʻre supposed to’. Many people treat people with RAD or DAD as ‘psychopaths’, and there’s numerous times I’ve seen it listed as ‘terrifying’, even among the social workers that meet kids with it.

It's discouraging. But I want to tell you that you aren’t alone. I’d be happy to talk to you about your experiences, and share my own. I have hope that people will begin to recognize this disorder despite how uncommon it is, and see it for what it is.

In any case, I hope you are able to find the diagnosis you need, even if it doesn’t turn out to be this one. I wish you the best of luck!

#rad #reactive attachment disorder #disinhibited attachment disorder #i feel like ive said this repeatedly but. feel free to reach out! im happy to help in any way i can

[werevulvi]

Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

[novelelitist]

You mind coming up with a few hcs about which servants you think would work best with a master who turns out to have high functioning autism? Figured servamts like Mash and Eresh, but that would be too obvious.

Interesting thought. I know a few people personally who could benefit from having someone keep them in line and above water when it comes to dealing with their conditions, so this resonates. I’m not going to say these are objective “bests” but I will say I put some thought into who is here and went for “not too obvious” picks.

Happy Holiday Season, anon.

Content warning for references to autism and mental health issues?

Servants Fit For Master With High-Functioning Autism

Beni-enma will hold High Functioning Autism Master-chan accountable for their executive functioning. She will promote Master’s well-being while not allowing them to fall back on bad habits and excuses for actions. As a strict Innkeeper, she wants to see Master learn to treat guests well and treat themselves well, and achieving that requires discipline and motivation that can be hard to achieve without the extra push from someone watching out for you.

Frankenstein is a Servant that struggles to communicate the way we do in interpersonal relationships; she can’t verbalize everything she’s thinking efficiently and has to find other ways to get her point across. This can lead to mutual growth between Master and Servant, and two individuals finding new ways to communicate with each other and the world around them.

Charles-Henri Sanson is not only his Master’s caretaker where he can be, but their friend. Sanson is grounded and practical, solving problems that he can and seeking solutions to those he can’t. His Master will be given attention and effort, patience and kindness–things that not every individual with autism is given.

Hassan of Serenity will share an understanding with Master–both of them are misunderstood and isolated for it due to a condition that they can’t help having. Working together toward the same goal leads to developing the skills necessary to build a healthy lifestyle. She is doting, respectful, and kind, and will want nothing but the best for Master in their times of need.

Mata Hari’s fearlessness will drive her to stay by Master’s side no matter what. Any outbursts, fits, or dissociative states are things she can handle and will weather with grace. (She may, however, eventually get fed up if on the receiving end of negativity with no sign of an end, in which case it will be important to listen to her concerns and take them to heart–another skill she wants Master to learn.)

Arash is an unstoppable force of good nature. Nothing will prevent him from assisting Master. He will do whatever it takes to help them overcome the negativity that their condition brings, and will support their well-being as long as they are willing to pursue it. More than anything, Arash will want to see his Master want to make positive changes to their life if it can impact them for the better.

Charlemagne is, without a doubt, a Very Good Boy. A noble, upbeat, and positive leader that is already used to handling a wide variety of personalities thanks to his Paladins. Managing social situations and resolving conflicts with positivity are strong suits, and his knack for crisis management will come in handy.

Carmilla understands Master’s need for compassion, yet isn’t afraid to tell them where the bear shits if they head down a path of poor choices. She can play both sides of the coin to meet Master’s needs. Alternatively, she can keep to herself and play the long con to get them to open up to her.

Hozoin Inshun is a monk. Meditation and mindfulness strategies come with his packaging. His greatest strength will be perseverance, as the only thing that could get in the way of him dedicating himself to Master’s well-being is, well, Master.

#beni enma #benienma #sanson #frankenstein #serenity #hassan of serenity #mata hari #arash #charlemagne #carmilla #hozoin inshun #fgo hcs #fate grand order headcanons #fgo headcanons #novel elitist #autism cw #autism tw

[bytemycupcakes]

Changeling!Pabit AU

I said I was makin a post and I don’t care that nobody seems interested in him cause I love this little puppet boy and wont stop making aus for him.

Under a cut cause l o n g e

--

-Pabit only ever remembers Boris as his caretaker

-Not unusual for a changeling, really but it’s true

-Boris always says he just found Pabit on a walk. People usually take that as a joke, but he’s being serious.

-Ya see, Pabit wandered a bit too far from the fae as an infant, and Boris almost tripped over him on a walk in the woods.

-Boris picked up this strange little faerie baby, they made eye contact, and Pabits body shifted to resemble Boris.

-Well fuck I guess Boris has a kid now. The thought of calling the local orphanage doesn’t even cross his mind, it’s really just, “Ah fuck I found a kid.. Guess I’m a dad then”

-Really the fact that Pabit seemed to latch onto and form to look like Boris didn’t help with that train of thought.

-It didn’t take long at all for it to click in Boris’ head that Pabit wasn’t human. Obviously the whole shapeshifting thing, but this child was practically FERAL.

-In a non-babyproofed home, Pabit wreaked havoc. Being a master at hiding, scuttering Boris’ walls, and getting into everything, especially things that a baby shouldn’t be touching.

-It took ages for Boris to get the house at least somewhat Pabit-proofed.

-Pabit still manages to get into shit constantly, it’s like a talent.

-Just like Child!Au, Pabit is not Pabit’s actual name, it’s a name he gained later on because of how much he mimics Boris. (Whats his actual name? No idea)

-Pabit’s gender was literally assigned. He doesn’t have typical human anatomy, being completely androgynous, and thus Boris just... -stamps Pabit with “boy” sticker-

-By the time of the habitat, Pabit id’s as masc non-binary

-Boris considers the day he found Pabit as his birthday, not actually knowing how old he was when found, he counts up from that date, thus where Pabit being 15 comes from.

-Pabit is so tall both because he is fae, and because his body mimics Boris for its aging. So he’s just.. so fucking tall.

-Pabit has a shadow form, but didn’t seem to gain one until he first saw Boris do it when he was a toddler.

-For awhile he’d just randomly shift to it, until his subconscious realized it was primarity an anger-based “transformation”

-While Boris’ shadow form is just intense anger, Pabit’s becomes almost like a rage. As his body grows to adapt most of his non-human ability (strength and some subtle basic magic) into said form.

-Depending on the source of anger, Pabit can be incredibly destructive or eerily calm but a ticking bomb.

-Even Boris gets a bit scared when Pabit shifts to the form... One too many times he’s had his house demolished from this child- Or even being injured by the rage (Nothing serious, but more damage than an 8 y/o should be able to give a grown man)

-From a very young age Pabit always showed signs of adhd/autism. Though he doesn’t technically have these conditions because he’s fae, he’s found comfort in knowing he’s not just really weird, and if people ask about it, he and Boris will just say he has ADHD and/or is autistic*

*[Lil step back: This whole au exists because I heavily project my adhd onto Pabit. And my girlfriend, who is autistic, loves the changeling trope (We even call her one fairly often). So please don’t get hateful about this]

-Boris was always pretty open about Pabit not being human, never tried to hide it from him. He grew up as the outcast and couldn’t figure out why, he’s not gonna let his son feel that same lost and broken feeling.

-Pabit tends to speak in broken sentences. He can speak in full, but feels more comfortable doing more of a Hulk speech pattern. Thus he often talks in third person, and leaves out words he deems unneeded to understand the sentence.

-He’ll fall into proper speech when ranting or infodumping, though. Speaking much more like Boris, with proper and large words.

-He stutters over bigger words a lot, and sometimes gets frustrated and just uses “dumbed down” language in its place (this is how he’ll describe it)

-Pabit has a major hyperfixation of puppetry and puppet making, and a smaller one on musical theatre/acting.

-There is Pabit, and then an actual puppet Habit. It was a gift for fathers day, and though it’s not as pretty as the irl puppet, it’s still pretty damn good for a 15 y/o with claws. Boris keeps it on a shelf in his office, it’s Pabits favorite out of all the puppets he’s made.

-Pabit will nab it and, using Boris’ desk as a stage, will just talk to Boris as “Boris”.

-Boris finds this absolutely adorable, and goes along with it. He’s made several business deals with this puppet. Usually for teeth.

-Which yes, Pabit eats. (No Pabit au is complete if he doesn’t eat teeth, fight me.)

-Pabit stims. A lot. His most common stims are kicking, bouncing, or wiggling his legs, chewing (Yes teeth eating is a stim for him, but he mostly goes for more rubbery textures), hand flapping, and full body wiggling/bouncing. He’ll also play with his hair, but it’s not as common.

-Pabit will occasionally repeat things, usually funny things he hears while giggling.

-Pabit’s hair is so stupidly thicc and curly that no stylist in town will deal with it.

-Boris has learned to cut hair, which comes in handy more often than you’d expect in a house of two very long-haired people.

-aka: Pabits hair grows so fucking fast, its ridiculous.

-His hair sticks together so much that it almost acts like one solid pillow-like mass. No hairtie can contain it. (If it’s tied back, it’s usually an actual string litterally tied around his hair)

-Pabits ears can emote, they don’t move much, but it’s noticeable. They wiggle when he gets really heccin happy.

-Pabit’s pupils alwas seem to be slitted, but at general shock (among other various things) his iris’ will slit aswell, leaving Pabit with a line in some massive sclara’s.

-Pabit has gotten very good at sewing thanks to his love of puppet making. This becomes very useful since he usually has to tailor his clothes slightly.

-In the habitat proper, Pabit is surprisingly popular with all the kids. Most notably Tim Tam and Trevor.

-He knew Trevor (And of Nat) before the habitat. He and Trevor are classmates while Nat is in the class behind them.

-Trevor didn’t really acknowledge Pabit’s existence until he bit a bully and seemed to break skin effortlessly??? hmmmmmmmm.

-Thus Trevor started theorizing, nothing in depth, but the kid was on his radar.

-Trevor was really surprised to find Pabit in the habitat, and even more surprised when Pabit told him Boris is his dad.

-The most these two ever talked before the habitat was a single “peer review” assignment, but in the habitat they start talking a lot more cause they’re the oldest kids, know eachother a bit, and both need to infodump like crazy.

-It takes a while for Trevor to get used to Pabits broken speech, but he eventually finds himself mimicing it occasionally. and Pabit will mimic him as well (adhd solidarity, boys)

-Pabit and Tim Tam can communicate non-verbally with no trouble at all. Thus this is used to wreak so much havoc on habititians since they’re both feral little goblins.

-It doesn’t help that Pabit has special access to “employees only” areas since he’s Boris’ son.

-Trevor and Pabit have gone on massive theory rants about random musicals while Nat’s in the room and she just watches these two in confused awe because of all the little details they’ll pull out to support these wild theories.

-Nat seriously has no idea how these two can just. keep. going. It’s been three hours at least let her have a snack!

-Pabit has allowed Trevor to ask so many weird questions about him because Pabit is also very curious about what exactly he is.

-Boris isn’t going to question why Trevor was poking at Pabit’s ribcage with a pen and just let boys be boys.

-Nat supplies Trevor with books on mythical beings she steals from Trencils room.

-Even with the three of them mostly working together, they cant figure out exactly what Pabit is.

-Until they’re all going over it in the boiler room one day. Where Wallus can hear them.

-YES ONCE AGAIN WALLUS IS NOT HUMAN! AGAIN, FIGHT ME.

-Did three children just lure out the frightened janitor cause they’re describing changelings and Wallus, a fae, knows about these kinda things? Yes. Yes they did.

-Wallus really never got a good look at Pabit before he took refuge in the wall, Pabit never got too involved in his work, or his talks with Boris. So Wallus isn’t too surprised that he missed it.

-It takes a bit of courage building from Wallus and Pabit litterally dragging him to Boris’ office before Wallus talks to Boris about how he aquired Pabit.

-Lots of details short: Wallus actually remembers when Pabit went missing which is pretty neat.

-Boris was almost worried he’d lose Pabit to his birth parents... Until Wallus says they didn’t really worry too much cause he was supposed to be put into someones life anyway. Was only mildly concerning since the fae couldn’t keep an eye on him.

-Pabit barely processes any of this information. Same with nearly all fae information Wallus tells him.

-Its not that he doesn’t like it or anything, he just doesn’t really care about the details. He got a name for what he is and why he acts like he does, and now he’s done. Mission complete.

[I wanna type more but my adhd is being MEAN so I’ll stop here for now. Feel free to send me asks about this au tho cause I love it]

EDIT:

-One last thing: Pabit loves the night. He adores the moon. He loves sitting on the roof past bedtime just to stare at the sky

#smile for me #smile for me Pabit #smile for me au #sfm au #Boris Habit #sfm boris habit #Sfm Pabit #Puppet Habit #Trevor Garbo #wallus breadbear #Tim Tam #Nat Vancy

[ultravioletproxy]

[Sona] Hine Cross (Proxy OC)

I've finally done it. I finally finished an actual sona reference up as well as finally completing a updated digital reference of HINE! I'm so very pleased with this and how my art has progress since his original reference, all those years ago... I actually was able to get up the energy to go fully in depth with his information and soon I'll get to his backstory comic going.

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Personality/ Mental State:

Basic summary; Hine is a VERY complex character. He has many layers to his personality which I'll try my best to explain. He is a quiet person with a lot on his mind, constantly bombarded with various thoughts which makes it hard for him to keep track of all that's going on around him. Hine "Zones/ Spaces Out" occasionally and does not realize that you're talking to him, he might even not respond to you in the middle of a conversation. All of these things may come off as rude; but he really doesn't mean to be.  Later on in his timeline/ as he grows up, Hine becomes much more of an unstable person, laughing a little too loudly at things (and volume control in general), walking off in the middle of conversations, and tends to get a bit unhinged...

Hine has several mental disorders that can effect his personality:

⊗-Autism: Doesn't pick up on social cues, and it takes him a while to think of a response when in a conversion, in turn he pauses and stutters. With autism comes anxiety, if in a high strung social environment or decision, Hine may have a break down (Sitting down and grabbing his shoulders tightly), He does not let people see him break down, he will go to a private area to try and cool down before coming out into view and acting perfectly fine. This luckily, doesn't happen often as he's trying to cope with his social anxiety. During a conversation Hine may accidentally say something that he doesn't mean, like a mess up of words(Saying something unintentionally mean as he just didn't think how it would sound when spoken or combining two words together.)

⊗-Compulsive liar: He doesn't ever mean to lie, a lot of the times he feels as though a lie is safer than telling the truth and before he even knows what he's done, the person has accepted the lie as truth and he's too afraid to tell them that his response was false. This stemmed from abuse during his life at the orphanage. He currently is trying hard to pull away from this.

⊗-Minorly a Paranoid Schizophrenic: Sometime this disorder makes him feels like everything and everyone has an ulterior motive, even though the thought is completely irrational. Hine mentally beats himself up for having these kinds of thoughts as he feels like he's betraying his loved ones/ friends. The thoughts themselves tend to be of a violently disgusting nature as they try to convince him that everyone is lying. He rarely witnesses hallucinations, mostly just little shadowy things in his peripheral vision.

⊗-Hypochondriac: Do to being mixed with a Slender, and his fear of dying, he constantly feels like his body will just give out on him, or that any sickness no matter how minor will end up killing him in one way or another, he's very paranoid of random aches and pain, irrationally telling himself to accept the fact that he's just going to die.

⊗-Sociopathic Tendencies: Hine has a hard time grasping that other people are just like him and have emotions, thoughts, and a consciousness. He tries quite hard to convince himself that other people are essentially sentient like him.

⊗-Unintentionally Manipulative: When living in the orphanage Hine was treated poorly due to his lack of social abilities and therefore was mostly ignored by the caretakers and fellow children. He desperately tried to figure out ways in order to be able to get a break from the constant chores and duties that he was given since he would not participate in being social with the others. He(not exactly intentionally) developed ways to read people in order to get what he wanted, again, not in a particularly malicious manner. More of just a way of survival.

Habits/ Quirks, Likes, and Dislikes:

⊗-Quirks/ Habits: Hine has quite a few funny little habits. One being collecting, he just adores collecting various things from silverware, to plushies, to seashells, really anything he finds the least bit intriguing and holding sentimental value. He is a little bit of a pack-rat you could say. He also has a bit of a compulsion to essentially "preen" or "groom" himself. For instance; cleaning under his nails, picking fuzz off a shirt, or even idly pulling hairs. He also has a lot of trouble finishing hot drinks, particularly coffee as he tends to forget about them, they get cold, and then he's too lazy to heat them up. Hine is mostly nocturnal as bright lights make him disorientated. Another not so good habit include Stress Smoking developed from watching a certain Slender and a friend smoke and seeing how it relaxed them. He occasionally delves into cannabis (Once Mr.KittyKitty comes around) due to the many medical benefits it has, such as anxiety relief, being more talkative, painkillers, motivation, or to calm him down.

⊗-Likes: He loves long walks alone in nature, particularly next to streams/ rivers either in silence or with music. He loves listening to the wind through the pines, the birds chirping, the sound of rain hitting the underbrush, and classical music. He loves pickled foods/ the taste of vinegar, as well as eating, and cooking in general. He tends to be rather indecisive about his favorite foods as he likes way too many, although salt and vinegar chips, popcorn, pomegranates, and cherries are a few of his favorites. His favorite drinks are Earl Grey Tea and Shirley Temples. Animals he adores are Bears, Raccoons, Ferrets, Ravens, Barn Owls, Coral Snakes, and Cats. He absolutely loves to draw, he makes his own characters and story lines, he also delves into other artistic feats such as crafting, painting with water colors, and sewing. A good book/ movie in the supernatural or horror genre will keep him content for hours. He loves dark humor, and coming up with ridiculous jokes(Blaming that on L.J.), and has a penchant for spouting the most random of facts. He really loves to talk to others and tries his best to keep up with them even though he has a hard time figuring out a response a lot of the time. Lastly, he has a weird enjoyment for the smell of disinfectant chemicals and has a particularly strange fixation on tornadoes...

⊗-Dislikes: He very much dislikes crowded areas, physical interactions, cities, thunder/ loud noises. He's not too fond of overly cutsie things. He can't stand highly sweetened foods or drinks (Candy, Cakes, Chocolate); once in a while/ a craving is fine, but he'd much rather take a bite of fruit. He doesn't care for baking all that much except for making breads at which he's none too shabby at. He doesn't care for bright colors unless they're mixed with dark ones.

Relationships:

⊗-Significant Other: Is in a delightfully happy relationship with flannelRaptors's Character, Johnny.

⊗-Slenders: When he was young, Hine ran away from the orphanage, he found his way into the forest where lovely Splendorman welcomed him with open arms and tendrils. Soon after, Slenderman himself took interest in Hine and became some sort of a strange father figure to him. The other Slenders joined in with helping take care of Hine. Trender helped his practical artistic side, while Splendor helped him understand his emotions, social cues, and tame his wild mental health state, Slender was his stable rock, and Offender schooled him in street smarts and how to deal with the "real" world.

⊗-Other Creepies: As a quiet person, Hine mostly sticks to himself, however if the opportunity presents itself, he absolutely loves talking to and learning about other people's pasts, Likes, etc.

Basic Background Summary:

⊗-Past: When Hine was young his parents were murdered by a trusted family friend they’d met from the church they attended. This person in turn, kidnapped and tortured Hine for quite some time, until Hine was eventually freed. However, as a mentally scarred young boy, shipping him off to an orphanage didn't really bode too well and he eventually ran away to join the Slenders' care and eventually became a "Proxy" to Slenderman.

Basic Background Summary:

⊗-Appearance: Hine has many abilities as shown above, however there are a lot more details and catches than what's written on the reference sheet. As the acronym may explain, Hine does not have any eyes. In an accident in which Hine almost died, Slenderman gave Hine an essential blood transfusion. The Slender blood, being incredibly aggressive, took over a good chunk of Hine's DNA giving him not only Eyeless vision, but also tendrils, an extra set of blood vessels, and a whole new horrible form.

Slender Affected Abilities:

-Hine can still see, but he now has what is called "Slender Vision" which is a 360-degree sight range, meaning he can see in all directions at once, ultimately maddening when first getting used to it. This is one of the reasons why Hine is constantly distracted. The range of sight and focus can be altered however it is rather difficult to do so as he was not born with the ability. Most of the Slenders can see a good mile or so around them while Hine has a shorter, about 50 ft range. Hine, not used to his new vision, rarely turns his head to look at objects that he is focusing on, due to there not being a focal point of eyes, therefore he tends to come off even more blank and emotionless than he really is.

-Hine's tendrils are hidden beneath his skin in what are called "Ports". Hine has a total of eight "ports", 4 on each side of his back. The tendrils can painfully be pushed through his skin at will, ultimately piercing through his back. He's supposed to constantly leave them out so the holes can seal up around them (much like a piercing would), but to do that he would have to keep out of sight from all other non-slender beings, as him being half slender is a well-guarded secret. The tendrils can lengthen and split apart to form thinner smaller pieces due to their "braided nature". However, in the early stages all of Hine's slenderification, his abilities are all INCREDIBLY clumsy.

-Other attributes Hine’s gained include, but are not limited to: heightened versions of all the senses, Moderately increased strength and speed. A bit of an iron stomach (ex: can eat raw meat), and more advanced healing rates (the less severe the slower it heals).

-With all these benefits came quite a few negatives. For instance, until he gets used to it, Hine's depth perception and hand eye coordination is completely off. His two blood types sometimes mix and therefore cause him to become incredibly ill for short periods of times, his varying blood colors also result in a pale yellowish grey complexion. Hine’s body has an unnatural slimness to it; he experiences continuous, nonstop increase in height in addition to having disproportionately long and lengthened arms and legs.(He has to make his own custom clothing.) Due to these things Hine suffers from minor growing pains as well as occasional cravings for human meat/ flesh. (Inherited from the dietary nature of the Slenders)

I applaud you if you read this all! Here's a TLDR version of this massive piece:

Hine is a mentally and physically scarred orphan who grew up with all the Slenders as his family. He came close to death at some point, but Slenderman saved him by transfusing his own blood into Hine, resulting in a well-hidden secret. Hine got really cool abilities with a few pretty bad side effects and is now an official Slenderman Proxy.

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Artwork, Concepts & Character © to RoneOmbre

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