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darthannie · 8 months

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potential side effects

pairing: Jonathan Crane x f!reader summary: After giving you an experimental medication, Dr. Crane helps you get over your fear of intimacy. word count: 2,143 warnings: 18+, minors DNI for the love of god, DARK, rough at points, I’m gonna go ahead and say NONCON, au where Dr. Crane has a private practice, abuse of power, reader is under the influence (kinda like the fear toxin), reader is sleepy, Crane doesn't take no for an answer, dacryphilia, inexperienced!reader, floor sex, spit, fighting back, a smidge of aftercare at the end. a/n: Please do not read if you’re not into what's in the warnings. I had fun experimenting with this one. I tried to be a little more thorough in the warnings. Better safe than sorry. I’m still toying around with Jonathan’s voice. Let me know if you want more of this kind of thing, or something different. I’d love to interact with you guys more!

Dr. Jonathan Crane had been treating you for the better part of a year and was in the midst of creating a new medication regimen for you. Your previous treatment plan was not working as intended, so it was back to the drawing board.

He selected you as the first person to receive an experimental medication. It was meant to be inhaled and doses were to be given during the time of the appointment. You didn’t necessarily know what to expect. He’d briefly mentioned that there may be potential side effects but didn’t go into much detail.

You were nervous the first time you’d gone in to receive a dose. As you approached the door to his office you felt a lump begin to form in your throat. You knocked and after a moment he opened the door. Jonathan always wore the same thing most of the time. Today he donned a black blazer and slacks with a white button-up. His red tie was placed right at the center of his collar. His dark hair framed his face perfectly. He looks good today, you thought, better than usual.

You exchanged your normal pleasantries and sat across from him on a couch. His office was spacious and dark. All the furniture was made of wood. In the corner, there was a big bookcase that consisted of books on fear, pharmacology, and different editions of the DSM. The DSM-4 was missing from the shelf, presumably on his desk.

The room brought you a lot of comfort. It was the only place you ever got to see him. It felt like Dr. Crane was the only person in all of Gotham that understood you. It was his job after all.

Soon the time came for him to administer the medication.

“I’m going to spray in front of your face and you’re going to breathe in. It doesn’t take much to be effective.”, he said.

You nodded and he sprayed.

Your nerves subsided almost immediately and your mind became quiet.

“Any difference?”, he asked.

“My mind is silent. All my racing thoughts have stopped.”

“Good. That means it’s working. Some of the other side effects may begin to set in now.”

He was right. Like clockwork, you started to get drowsy. It was like someone had given you a little too much Benadryl. It was hard to keep your eyes open.

“Dr. Crane? Is this normal?” You couldn’t help but drag the ’s’.

“It’s nothing to worry about. It’s just the medication working. How do you feel?” He seemed a tad on edge as he awaited your answer.

“I feel all warm inside.”

He then leaned back against his desk. “Any drowsiness?”

“Lots of it.” You chuckled slightly.

“That is normal.” He said, answering your question. “The medication was likely to make you feel tired.”

“Does it go away?”

“As your body builds up a tolerance, the effects will lessen. Now, I wanted to talk about the recent screenings you filled out. I would like you to check over them and rate their accuracy on a scale from one to five, five being very accurate.”

He handed you a piece of paper and you looked it over. “Four.”

“Why not five?” His eyebrows furrowed.

“Number six. ’S worse.” Question number six pertained to your interest in sex. More specifically how terrified you were of having it.

It was a topic you were working on with Dr. Crane since it impacted your life so much. You were hesitant to mention it at first, but he assured you it was better to talk about it instead of holding it in. So, you spilled every detail. This included your inability to get yourself off and failed hook-up attempts.

You’d try very hard but when it came time for you to do the deed you shut down and found a way out of the situation. You hadn’t been getting out there much because, frankly, the thought of being intimate with someone was frightening. You didn’t know how you’d ever get over it.

“Have you sought out any partners to help with your fears?”, he asked.

You took a moment to process what he said. “No, I haven’t. I can’t. It’s too-“

“Frightening, yes I remember you using that word.” He removed his glasses before continuing. “I think there’s a way I can help you with that. Personally.”

You yawned. “What do you mean by that doctor?”

“I can make you feel better.” He looked down at you and brushed your cheek with the back of his hand.

“How do you mean?” You could hear the apprehension in your voice. He ignored your question and reached down to the hem of your top, lifting it slightly.

You pulled back a little too quickly and you got a bit dizzy. “I don’t know about that Dr. Crane. I can’t- I’m not well.”

He ignored you. “I think it’ll be easier if I just take you here on the floor.”

He dragged you off the couch and onto the ground, sitting up. The hardwood was cold to the touch but started to warm under your body. He kneeled next to you. You tried to fight him as he reached for your sweater. He grabbed your wrists to stop you from thrashing around.

“I would hate to have to tie you up, sweetheart.” You knew he would follow through so you did what he wanted. You stopped fighting back.

He neatly folded and put aside each article of clothing he took off your body. Eventually, you were completely bare in front of him. You were almost too gone to grasp what was going on. Almost. The fear began to creep in and he could tell. Maybe the medication was not working the way he intended it to. Maybe he lied about what it was intended to do.

You slurred, “Dr. Crane, please don’t- Please don’t do this.”

He leaned over you and you tried to push him away. He only offered a small smile and reached his hand down between your legs. You whimpered as his fingers moved lightly over your clit. You mewled at the new sensation. You gave in to the feeling and your eyes started to close. When they wouldn’t open again Jonathan lightly slapped your cheek.

“No, no, no don’t fall asleep. I need you to stay awake for me.”, he said.

You fought the exhaustion and watched as he used his fingers to tease you.

He noticed you getting wetter and moved his fingers down to your entrance. He slowly stretched you with two fingers, watching your face as your mouth fell open.

A tight-lipped smile appeared on his face. He started slow and then moved his fingers in and out very quickly, hitting a new spot until he found the one that made your legs shake. You lied back and let him work on you. All you felt was bliss. No one had ever touched you like that.

He took his hand away and you whined. This was a first and you were glad you made it this far. This was a win.

You thought it was over, but then you noticed him unbuttoning his pants.

Your breath quickened and you put your hand out. “Wait! Please, no! I think I’ve had enough for today.”

“We’re not done with your treatment yet, princess. Please hold still. It will be easier for the both of us.”

Your body was made of putty. The side effects had gotten worse. He brought your legs into position before grabbing himself in his hand. He stroked his cock a couple of times before entering you.

He gave you no time to adjust. His pace was slow but he fucked hard. You gasped at the feeling of him inside you. You’ve never been fucked like this before. But, that didn’t matter to him. All he wanted was to feel you around him. Make you his.

The sounds in the room sent you reeling. You didn’t know you would moan so much. The sound of his skin hitting yours filled the room along with his heavy breaths and moans. He grabbed your hips as he thrust hard and fast. You were having a hard time coping with all the feelings you were having at once. The fear, exhaustion, and pleasure were beginning to mix. You wanted to scream. Instead, you cried.

Jonathan moaned at the sight. He loved watching you cry. He’d seen it happen during sessions and couldn’t help but wonder what it would look like if you moaned while you cried. Now he knew. You were unable to keep quiet. Silent cries became sobs which became whimpers.

He caressed your tear-stained face, “Shhhhhh, hush now it’s alright. You’re doing so well.”

You tried to talk through your tears. “Please Jonathan- Dr. Crane, Make it stop!”

This time he went deeper. You yelped as you felt him hit a new part of you. “I’m not stopping until you tell me it feels good. Tell me, does it feel good?”

“Yes,” you moaned, “it feels good.”

“Yeah? Are you still frightened? Are you scared of me?”

“Yes.”, you admitted. It was hard for you to get out. How could you ever fear him? All he had ever done was help you. This was just another one of his unorthodox methods.

He bent forward and put his arms next to your ears, locking his fingers on the top of your head to hold you in place. Your body was limp as he continued fucking you into the floor. Your eyes closed; you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him.

He shook your head slightly. “No, eyes on me. Look at me.”

You looked at him wide-eyed.

“Open your mouth.” You obeyed and he spit in your mouth. In all honesty, you savored the taste. It was another way of him claiming you.

“Swallow.” When you did he hummed contently. “Good girl.”

You felt something weird tightening in your core. “Dr. Crane. I feel like I’m gonna-“.

A long moan came out before you could finish your sentence. He fucked you as you rode your high and soon after his thrusts started to falter. He sat up and grabbed your hip to use as leverage. You mustered up as much energy as you could to move away from him, using your legs to drag yourself across the floor. He was much stronger than you at this point and he pulled you back.

“No, come here. You’re gonna stay still while I finish. Got it?”

The tears kept flowing, but you obeyed. You lied back as he came inside of you. He stayed inside of you for a minute, savoring the moment. You were tired and blissed out. He pulled out of you without a word. He watched as his cum dropped out of you.

“What a sight.”, he said matter a factly. He helped you sit up and wiped tears from your face with his thumb. He brought you close to him and kissed your forehead.

He got up and put himself back together again. He fixed his clothing, tucking in his pristine white shirt and fastening his pants. He fixed his tie and looked past you into a mirror.

Once satisfied, he grabbed a towel from his desk and cleaned you up. He helped you up to your feet and began dressing you. His demeanor was softer now. He took his time as he got you dressed. Once he was finished he helped you sit on the couch. You curled up into his side, seeking comfort from the man who had just used you.

You’d never felt more confused. You knew this shouldn’t have happened. Every boundary had been crossed. But, the special attention from him felt better than anything. You fell asleep on his shoulder. He let you sleep on him for a while before he got up to write notes on what had just occurred. He found his glasses, put them on, and returned to his desk to begin writing. He included your reaction to the “medication” and how receptive you were to the treatment.

You woke up about an hour later, confused. You looked around and recognized his office. The memories of earlier events came rushing back. You felt your cheeks get hot.

Jonathan looked up from the paper he was holding up. “Rise and shine.”

He grabbed a sheet of paper from your file. He attached it to a clipboard and grabbed a pen. He handed you the materials and you looked down. It was another questionnaire.

“Fill this out as accurately as possible.”

“What is it for?” You cleared your throat. He sat back down at his desk and picked up the paper he was previously inspecting. He looked at your file before looking back at you.

“Our next session.”, he replied.

#jonathan crane #jonathan crane x reader #jonathan crane smut #jonathan crane x reader smut #i proofread this but no one is perfect #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy fic #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy #cillian x reader #dark jonathan crane #dark!jonathan crane #annie writes #dark jonathan crane smut #scarecrow x reader #dr jonathan crane

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zwedexx · 3 months

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AWFC x English-Italian Reader - Chapter 2

Summary: Reader is dealing with the effects of their concussion

TW: concussion, alcohol, maybe depression

WC: 1232

A/N: Sorry for taking ages, i was productive today so here is chapter 2. Do i hate it.. kinda. also to make it clear, the reader takes more medication than needed because they forgot they were taking them due to memory loss. also if you wanna chat abt anything i've written, my asks are always open. Also not proof read

It has only gone downhill since your conversation with Leah. You were only able to talk to her because the effects of the medications they had used to stabilize you hadn’t fully worn off yet. But once they did, the doctors refused to give you more. You weren’t new to concussions, and you knew that they weren’t going to give you anything because they needed to monitor your symptoms, but the pain had never been this bad. The smallest amount of light or sound would make it feel as though you were being stabbed right through your frontal lobe.

Your teammates tried to help by being there for you, but they were doing everything but helping. They would always seem to make your pain worse, and you hated it. There was a big part of you there that wanted your chosen family to be there right by your side, to make you feel better like they had last year when you got COVID. But you couldn’t take them right now. It hurt you too much to tell them to their face, so you had the nurses and medical staff prevent them from visiting you.

The only good thing to come from your self-imposed isolation was that none of them knew of your diagnosis.

“I don’t want you to get too alarmed, but based on your current symptoms and seizure, it’s looking ever more likely that it will be too dangerous to continue playing football.” The doctor had informed you once that you were able to communicate without being in total agony.

You stayed silent; you did know what to say.

“It's not a definite conclusion, but we have to consider the severity of your symptoms and the potential risks involved,” the doctor continued. “We will monitor your condition closely, but I want you to understand that there's a real possibility that returning to the game could pose serious health risks, both in the short and long term.”

You stayed silent, absorbing the weight of the doctor's words.

The doctor's words felt like an assault on your very existence. Football wasn't just a game; it was your lifeblood, the essence of who you were. It was the only thing keeping you going at times.

Only a few days before Christmas were you discharged from the hospital. All the older teammates offered you a place to stay. Viv and Beth were the first.

"Look, I know you might not want to burden anyone, but we're a team. We look out for each other," Beth said, concern etched on her face as she walked beside you.

“Our guest room is always open to you." Viv continued

Leah had offered the same. And you gave them all the same bullshit story.

“Guys, I’ll be fine. My parents are coming to take care of me. They’ll be here tomorrow. Go enjoy your holidays.”

“If you ever need anything, don’t be afraid to ask. We’re all here for you if you need us.” Kim said.

Part of you really wanted their help. Part of you wished they would force you to stay at their houses. But the part that was against it was stronger.

When you finally got home, there was no one waiting for you. You sort of chuckled to yourself. Your parents were never going to come take care of you, but your teammates didn’t know that. Your parents weren’t bad people, but you hadn’t left it off on the best of terms. It all started when you were young, you hung out with the ‘wrong kind of people’, you got into a lot of trouble, and you did bad things. As young as 13, you would go out late at night with your friends and sneak into abandoned buildings or construction sites to drink and smoke. In your mind, these were the nights of your life. Your parents were quite absent from your life; they were far more interested in their businesses and enterprises, and those people took an interest in you. They wanted you around; they could make you feel like you belonged.

It took you being arrested for being drunk, disorderly, and almost OD’ing for them to figure out you’d been sneaking out for over a year. That was the first time you’d really disappointed them.

Only a few months later, you’d disappoint them again after you had taken up drinking again, this time with a new group of people. That’s when they started to realize that you might be the problem.

The final nail in the coffin came when you decided to sign with Arsenal. Your parents couldn’t understand why you’d ever do such a thing. They only saw it as another stupid mistake to add to your long list. They could have stopped you, but at that point, they didn’t care anymore. Only a week after you’d signed, they’d fully moved to Milan.

The first few days at home were fine; at least that’s what you thought. You were on track, you took your medications every day, and you didn’t put too much strain on yourself. You ate healthy and went on walks. You were ready to do anything to get back to the sport you loved. Anything.

It was the day before Christmas Eve when you realized your 10-day supply of medications was almost done. You couldn’t believe it; you had taken the correct amount every day, or at least that’s what you remembered.

You thought you could do it. You thought you could make it through the holidays without medication, but you were wrong—so very wrong. The days stretched out in a seemingly never-ending cycle of pain. The relentless headaches intensified, and you weren’t able to cope with the unmedicated effects of a concussion this severe.

You tried to reach out to the pharmacy, hoping for an early refill or something to manage your symptoms, but the holidays meant it was closed. You debated calling your teammates, even getting as close as dialing Beth’s number, but as the phone rang, you second-guessed your decision. What would you say? How were you going to tell them you had lied to them and, due to your stupidity, had put yourself in another predicament.

It wasn’t long after you made that call that the isolation and pain became far too much. Over the past few days, thoughts of turning to an old friend returned.

You were Italian; by nature, there was always a bottle of something in your house; it had never tempted you until now. Football was always there, replacing it in a way nothing had ever done for you. But that solace has been taken from you now. The promise of a temporary escape from all the pain was undeniable.

You hesitated, holding the bottle in your hand. You uncapped the bottle, and the scent of grappa, your common poison of choice, wafted through the air. You took a sip, surrendering to the pain.

The first sip was sharp, with the burn racing down your throat and the warmth quickly spreading through your chest. The level in the bottle dropped steadily, and with it, the pain was momentarily forgotten. With each passing moment, the effect intensified.

It wasn’t long before you were free. You felt nothing and were worried about nothing. You knew you could be putting both your concussion and alcohol recovery in danger, but you didn’t care anymore.

#woso #women's football #woso x reader #arsenal wfc #arsenal women #women's soccer #woso fanfics #beth mead #leah williamson #vivianne miedema #katie mccabe #kim little

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dayseternal-blog · 2 months

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Hi days!!! Thank you so much for being like the only one to interact with me on here 🫶 I was wondering if you and anyone else could send me any fics with naruto being a gym rat? Even if he’s just a little background character lol

💕💕💕💕 You're a dear mutual to me 😭😭 you don't have to thank me 😭😭

The first fics I thought of are ones you probably already know 😔

Gym Naruto in NaruHina Fics

“Serenity Prayer” by katarinahime - Rated E, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. When their fairytale endings smash to ugly pieces, Hinata and Naruto help put each other back together.

“Common Side Effects” by katarinahime & “Medicated” by szajnie - Rated E for a lot of things, Crime/Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto and Hinata, in a struggling relationship, must confront the pain inside before they can love each other.

There are these others that show gyms...of various types...:

“Seeing Stars” by Free Mentality - Rated T, Modern AU, One-shot. They had been attending the same boxing gym for months before he noticed her, and the first time they met was a bit of a disaster, to say the least.

Chapter 21 from “Between the Trees” by @utsus - Rated G, Olympics AU, One-shot. It’s not uncommon for them to train in the same gym.

Chapter 6 from “Heartbreaks and Heartaches” by @powerful-niya - Rated T, College AU, One-shot. Prompt 4: Hinata slowly raised her head to look at Tenten, her eyes burning from the amount of tears, “No, it’s my fault.” She muttered, clutching her own shirt, “I caused this to happen— I told him to leave.” (prepare to be very sad.)

"Prey" by @sessakag- Rated E, Crime AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. Following a midnight chance encounter with Hinata Hyuuga, a smitten sociopath, Naruto Uzumaki, tries his hand at romance, determined to make her fall in love with him the only way he knows how.

Oh, here's a couple that I think fit the idea of gym rat a little better!

“Naughty or Nice?” by @vegebulsoup - Rated E, Modern AU, Two-shot. Even though she was against the idea at first, Hinata can’t take her eyes off the Sexy Santa that Ino recruited for their company’s holiday party.

“Nighttime Workout” by Breezyanimetra - Rated E, College AU, Two-shot. Shy Hinata doesn’t usually have the courage to speak with her long time crush Naruto. All she does is watch him workout wishing she can do more. A snow storm one fateful night changes that for her.

Oh this next one doesn't show any gym setting, but Naruto is a physical trainer:

“Warped” by BountifullyBeautifullyBlessed - Rated E includes non-con, College AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Hinata can’t sleep and her roommate, Naruto, is more than willing to help her out.

going to the gym is also mentioned in these:

“The Study Session” from “Endless Lemons” by agitosgirl - Rated M, High School AU, One-shot. She’s covered in piercings and leather, and has a bad attitude. But she takes an interest in him. A very special interest…

“Echoes of Silence” by @ellaroundpanda - Rated E, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. Hinata Hyuga was trapped. Her relationship with Toneri was leading to nowhere and she wanted to find a new Dom. Naruto Uzumaki seemed to be the answer to all her prayers, but her fiancé wouldn’t give up that easily…

Naruto does weightlifting in this one:

“Asynchronous With You” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated E, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. They told everyone they were foster siblings. He did it for her because she didn’t want them to grow apart. She did it for herself so she could stop loving him. Their timing couldn’t have been worse.

uhmm I think in this one, he owns gyms:

“Missed Years” by Rinne-Kami - Rated T, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. The act of one night gave birth to their future. And now, with years past since that one night, they were left with years to return. Seven years of love to find, seven years of trust to rebuild, and seven years of fatherhood to return.

Okay, I found more than I thought I would! If anyone can think of others, feel free to add!

#gwynsavdye #naruhina fanfic recs #naruhina modern au

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theresattrpgforthat · 2 months

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Hello! My play group has recently begun a PF2e game and we're enjoying it, but as an almost-forever-GM running one-shots looking for The Next Big Game to run I'm definitely noticing a trend of "a small run of bad rolls has decided you lose" that stands in contrast to a more subjectively "forgiving" system like Cypher or Quest. I know any dice-based game can theoretically end up with the dice deciding "you lose tonight," but it got me to thinking about that feeling in trying new systems. We definitely love mechanics in play - i.e. I'm not strictly looking for diceless systems, but they're not off the table either - so I'd love to hear about games you like and think are on the forgiving side of the spectrum with regards to bad luck streaks. Thank you!

THEME: “Forgiving” Games.

Hello friend, I love these kinds of games a lot. Here's a few outside of Numenera, which you already seem to know about. I tried to stick with games that have some longevity, although I'm not sure how long you can play Our Haunt as a campaign.

Vaesen, by Free League Publishing.

Welcome to the Mythic North – northern Europe of the nineteenth century, but not as we know it today. A land where the myths are real. A cold reach covered by vast forests, its few cities lonely beacons of industry and enlightenment – a new civilization dawning. But in the countryside, the old ways still hold sway. There, people know what lurks in the dark. They know to fear it.

Vaesen – Nordic Horror Roleplaying is written by Nils Hintze and based on the work of Swedish illustrator and author Johan Egerkrans. Vaesen presents a dark Gothic setting steeped in Nordic folklore and the old myths of Scandinavia. The game mechanics utilize an adapted version of the award-winning Year Zero Engine.

Vaesen allows players to do something called pushing the roll, although you can only do it once per any given action. You will roll a number of six-sided dice according to a skill + attribute combination, and aim to roll 6’s, which are successes. Pushing the roll allows you to re-roll any dice that did not come up as a 6, thus giving you a second chance - or a chance to be more effective, if you need more than one 6 to do what you want to do.

Since Vaesen is a horror game, however, this push doesn’t come without a cost. Choosing to Push a roll means that your character will have to take on a condition, which is represented as either a Physical or Mental injury or affliction. Take too many in the same category, and your character becomes Broken, thus requiring immediate medical attention. Conditions can be healed and cured, so how deadly your game is depends on how little (or much) rest time your characters have in between encounters.

Genesys, by Edge Studio.

Face down a dragon as a brave knight, hack into a corporate security system as an elite runner, set sail in your airship. Unlimited adventure awaits you in Genesys, a new roleplaying system designed for a variety of settings and limited only by your imagination.

The Genesys experience begins with the Genesys Core Rulebook, which features an explanation of the innovative narrative dice system and core mechanics of the game, an overview of five different settings in which to place campaigns, and advice for Game Masters to craft a myriad of adventures with unparalleled freedom.

So I’d really like to recommend the Star Wars RPG that spearheaded this system, but as far as I understand it’s getting harder and harder to get a hold of. The core system, however, is still available on DriveThruRPG, and I really like how it handles dice rolls. The Genesys system uses a custom set of dice that have three different levels of results: advantage/threat, success/failure, and triumph/despair. These symbols typically cancel each-other out. Both positive and negative dice have a number of different symbols on their faces, and rolling more successes for example, means you’re not going to have less advantages, while rolling a higher number of threats will lead to less failures.

This means that the two most common rolls you will get will be Success with a Threat and Failure with an Advantage. Therefore each roll has both a positive and negative result. If you end up rolling extra-special dice, you might end up with a Triumph and/or a Despair, which happen regardless of any other rolls. So you could have a Failure with an Advantage and a Triumph - which might mean that maybe you don’t unlock that door, but maybe you hear someone coming and duck into a hidey-hole before they show up - and they turn out to be an ally.

Genesys is a toolkit that you can use to make your own game, but if you want a setting to go with it, you might want to check out Realms of Terrinoth (Fantasy), Keyforge: Secrets of the Crucible (gonzo sci-fantasy), or Shadow of the Beanstalk (cyberpunk).

Masks: A New Generation, by Magpie Games.

Halcyon City has had more than its fair share of superheroes, superteams, supervillains, and everything in between. Your team of young supers must forge your own path amidst the pressures of a world full of people telling you what to do and who to be, and kick some butt along the way!

Masks: A New Generation is a superhero tabletop roleplaying game full of action, youthful angst, and dazzling bravery. Take on the roles of members of the latest generation of superheroes, young adults trying to figure out who they are and what kind of heroes they want to be.

MASKS is well-known and for a good reason. It’s an excellent introduction to the PbtA framework, and contains a lot of solid advice for the person who’s running the game. One of the core pieces of advice that you can take from this game to others in the same system-family is that of Soft and Hard moves. When a PC rolls a 6 or less, the ball is in your court, but as the GM, it’s up to you how bad the character fails. Soft and Hard moves are a key part of this.

While a straight-up failure may be needed once in a while, sometimes all you need to do is telegraph danger, and give your players another chance to try a different approach. This is called a Soft Move. You might place the characters in an eerie atmosphere but give them a chance to act, or present them with an NPC asking difficult questions, but give them space to answer. You might not even require them to roll at all - if you think that the hero should be able to do something, they’ll do it.

Finally, since Masks is about teenage superheroes, death isn’t really on the table. What’s at stake is their self-image, and that is reflected in the emotional damage the characters take. This chance to wrestle with why they truly are might even be something welcome for the players to dig into - I know me and my friends sometimes found moments of interpersonal conflict to be the most rewarding.

Endeavour, by Armiger Games.

You are an officer aboard the Interstellar Confederation Ship Endeavour. Your mission is to explore the galaxy. You will travel deep into uncharted space where you will encounter strange phenomena, make first contact with alien civilizations, and help those in need.

This is an optimistic-science fiction game. It is a game about a future in which humanity has progressed beyond the kinds of internecine conflicts that plague modern society. Advanced technology is common and has created a post-scarcity society throughout the Interstellar Confederation.

Stories in Endeavour generally involve some kind of moral quandary. Moreover, the futuristic setting acts as lens through which we can view contemporary social issues. The best such stories are fundamentally about the difficult choices the crew are asked to make and how they are affected by their experiences.

Endeavour is a play-set for AGON, a game about Greek Heroes setting out to make a name for themselves. You need AGON to play, but the rules for both these games take a very unique approach to solving problems.

Almost every conflict present in Endeavour is a collaborative Challenge. This means that any time an obstacle presents itself, the group has a chance to face it as a team. Facing Challenges as a team increases chances of success in two ways: in one way, since each player might be participating, there is a higher chance that one person or another rolls a high enough number to pass the challenge. However, players can also choose to aid each-other, foregoing a chance to gain Distinction but improving another player’s chance at success.

Our Haunt, by Rae Nedjadi.

We are ghosts. We are in a house we don't recognize. We have a handful of memories, and these memories are brief moments and flashes of barely something. The Living are nearby, and they encroach on our space, making their demands. Worse, there is a Thing in the Walls. It is ancient, inhuman. Hungry, yearning. Angry.

But this is Our Haunt now. This is our home, and we only have each other as family. If we take care of each other, good things will happen. We just know it.

Our Haunt uses a diceless system called Belonging Outside Belonging, or No Dice, No Masters. This can be GM-less, but it doesn’t have to be - and I definitely recommend checking other games that use this system if you want to control the level of failure.

BoB games use a token-based economy, where following certain prompts on your character sheet will give your character the ability to use other abilities listed on their character sheet. This creates a rhythm, between moves that invite interesting interactions or complications, and moves that push the story forward, or allow you to do something special.

Each playbook usually also has special moves that the character can do for free, that neither earn nor spend a token. Because the use of tokens is up to the players, failure will only happen when you decide it happens, and every failure banks a potential success, so even if Our Haunt isn’t what you’re looking for tone-wise, I definitely recommend checking out other Belonging outside Belonging games.

Slugblaster, by Wilkie’s Candy Lab.

In the small town of Hillview, teenage hoverboarders sneak into other dimensions to explore, film tricks, go viral, and get away from the problems at home. It’s dangerous. It’s stupid. It’s got parent groups in a panic. And it’s the coolest thing ever.

This is Slugblaster. A table-top rpg about teenagehood, giant bugs, circuit-bent rayguns, and trying to be cool.

Forged in the Dark games allow you to succeed at least partially on a result of a 4 or higher, so you’re much more likely to succeed with a cost than straight up fail, and even if you do take some kind of consequence, that consequence can always be thrown off by using something called a Resistance Roll. The original system, Blades in the Dark, still felt pretty brutal if you played it as written. However, Mikey Hamm, the designer for Slugblaster, wanted to make a game about teenagers hoverboarding across dimensions, not hardened criminals surviving in a brutal city, so he made some key changes.

Kids in Slugblaster may take “slams”, but no damage is permanent. Staying in another dimension too long may trigger an unpleasant experience called peelback, but it doesn’t kill you, and if you log a bunch of doom (the game’s Stress equivalent), you don’t take a permanent condition - you worry your folks, or have to spend your extra free time doing homework. At its core, Slugblaster’s biggest threat is losing your status - you’re not really in physical danger.

Other Games to Check Out

Wanderhome, by Jay Dragon.

Spectaculars, by Scratchpad Publishing.

#tabletop games #indie ttrpgs #game recommendations #dnd #asks #forgiving games

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tokoyamisstuff · 2 years

Text

Dystychiphobia (n.) - the fear of hurting someone

Synopsis: The side-effects of the SEP program and Reaper's poor impulse control make for a very dangerous mixture.

Warnings: Angst, Cussing, Self-Loathing, Alcohol, Smut, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Dirty Talk Notes: Talon Researcher! Reader, Slow Burn, Size Difference Words: 7200, got a little carried away.

"Calm me down with your caress I'll get off while I watch you undress Maybe the sex will help me to forget A precious, transient, schizophrenic bliss

Oh, my god, you're beautiful Why do you stay with this neurotic fool?

I've lost control, please save me from myself" - IAMX: Insomnia

There it was - that damned smile again.

Reaper immediately became week-kneed at the sight, sinking down on the chair reserved only for patients at the examination room.

Admittedly, ever since you had joined Moira's research team, Reaper's obligatory visits at her laboratory became somewhat more bearable.

However, the more time passed and the two of you grew closer through the time you were required to spend together, being alone with you felt like bittersweet torture for the lonely man.

"Good morning, Reaper" you cheerfully greeted him, taking place on the office chair opposite to him. "Morning, doc."

It was a force of habit to call you by this title, though you were far away from having an actual medical carreer. Not that you had never thought about it before, but the circumstances of your life just didn't meet the requirements.

Well, one thing about Talon was that they didn't give a shit about your qualification, for as long as you'd commit your duty without question. Everyone had equal chances here if they were willing to prove - and improve - themselves.

Anyways, being adressed this way never failed to make you laugh.

"I've told you to just call me Y/N, right?" you snickered and the man slouched back in his chair, arms crossed.

Fucking adorable, he thought what he would never dare to voice aloud. Your voice was so balmy, he wanted it on tape - maybe listening to it he'd finally be able to find proper sleep.

It was pretty hard to know what someone's actually thinking if you can rarely ever see their face, since our expressions indicate a lot about ourselves - more than we care to reveal, most of the time. At least it was the case with you, being an open book in huge contrast to the man in front of you.

The only thing you could decipher was that while Reaper might be surrounding himself in mystery, his body language was significantly less hostile around you. However he'd always maintain his distance and keep up a defensive position, seemingly tensed.

Well, a medical examination wasn't exactly something to look forward to, so you got the idea.

Lost in his little infatuation, Reaper forgot to answer or react in any other way to keep the conversation alive. Not the first time, though, and you knew he wasn't a man of much words either way.

"We'll start with the usual, shall we? Miss O'Deorain wants me to draw your blood for a sample test." Reyes groaned quite irritated at your request, but an order was an order. "Let's just get this over with."

At least it was not Moira or some of her deranged underlings doing those silly experiments on him anymore.

The scientist's interest in Reaper had faded rather quickly ever since she was able to revive him - or however one wanted to call the atrocity she created in the progress.

Moira was quite the fickle person in general, and nothing could ever keep her entertained for long until she'd bury herself into a new 'project'.

So now that Reaper was able to keep his form and was not considered a general danger anymore, you had been assigned to work with him.

"C'mon, please" you cooed understandingly. It was the same every week, so one would think Reaper was accustomed to the necessary procedure by now - yet that didn't make it any easier for him.

The man huffed in response before he'd finally begin to disrobe his upper body, reluctant still as the heavy battle gear dropped to the floor.

"I promise I won't stare" you joked, but what a lie that was. After all, despite everything there was still quite the handsome person beneath the black leather.

His torso was covered in scars, varying in size and shape and constantly emmitting a black mist. You could practically feel a breath catch in his throat as you dared touching one, a shadowy tendril cautiously wrapping around your fingers.

"It tickles" you giggled all excited, not the slightest bit of fear or disgust present in your features.

Sometimes Reaper thought it was impossible that a person so pure and wonderful was working for the same organisation as he did.

Well, just like most here you had quite the opposite of an easy life. You chose not to talk about the past most of the time, yet once told him your loyality lies with basically anyone that was willing to pay - so you could support what's left of your family back home.

Which doesn't mean that you don't have any morality, but hard times require an even harder will if one wants to survive.

"Still the reckless one, I see" he rumbled with that deep, authoritative voice of his. Still, his former stiffened pectoral muscles now relaxed under your gentle touch and he let out a relieved breath.

"Do I have any reason not to be?" Hesistantly, you moved your hands to cup either side of his mask, removing it only after he gave you a slightly approving nod. "I trust you, Reaper."

This was not the first time that you had seen the person you almost considered a friend of yours without his trademark disguise, but it never ceased to amaze you.

Your smile wouldn't falter in the slightest as you set eyes upon his disfigured face, and you could've sworn to see just the smallest of smirks tug on the edge of his lips as well.

"Heya, handsome" you hummed as you grabbed some tools, and your words made a frown appear on his face, baring his teeth almost as if snarling at you. "Not funny."

"Wasn't meant as a joke" you objected, beginning to examine before he could make sense out of it. "Seems like your hair is still able to grow. I didn't know you had locks!" you noted, letting a hand run through his hair which made him sigh pleasantly.

"Shit...sorry" he mumbled in embarassment at almost moaning because of something so trivial, facing the ground and wishing to be swallowed by it.

But you'd simply wave it off with a bright, lopsided smirk as you continued to massage his scalp slightly with your nails, and he'd lean into your thoughtful touch without second thought.

If only you knew how much even those small gestures of yours meant to him...

"With all the things I am bothering you with every week, I think you deserve a small reward." And he'd soak in every little ounce of affection in like a dry sponge, drowning in the sound of you chanting happily - only until he took ahold of your wrist, voluntarily stopping this rare bliss.

You understood immediately, turning to type something on your computer then acting like nothing happened.

"Pulse 213." A little fast even for his standarts, probably due to your presence. But he'd be damned and confess this just to correct some silly data. Ever since the SEP his heartrate was already faster than that of a normal being to begin with, but now with his enhanced metabolism it usually stayed above 180 most of the time.

"Breathing normal." Actually, it was not necessary for him to breathe anymore, let alone eat or sleep, for his cells would decompose and regenerate at such a high rate, it made all traditional forms of external ressources obsolete. Though he continued doing so, in order to feel at least remotely human.

Reaper's physique worked somewhat parasitic, for his energy income would be maintained solely by draining it out of other living beings.

Talon would provide for lifestock or lab-animals whenever there was a longer period without any fights. Luckily, depending on the quality and quantity of the according victims, he could keep his solid form upright for several weeks.

While he certainly stared you down right now, you knew he meant no harm - that was just his default expression, you think, And you were also deeply buried in thought yourself, before you proudly declared "You've sure come a long way ever since the incident, Gabe."

The name slipped out faster than your mind could catch up on the mistake, and though you meant it as a compliment you caught yourself fearing his reaction...

...however, asides from a clearly puzzled look on his face, he remained silent.

"I-I...we're almost done, Reaper" you blurted out, correcting yourself before he could say something that would make you even more embarassed.

So you quickly drew some necessary blood, the bottle labeled 'Subject 666' reminding you harshly of Moira's lecture. Never adress them by their names, the less you involve with them the better.

See them as nothing but objects, otherwise it will eat you alive.

The red liquid steadily turned into a thin black mist and back, certainly intriguing to watch. Anyways, you'd stay quiet about it, knowing your fascination for Reaper's constitution was quite unsettling for the man itself.

Now to the usual questions - which you dreaded most, to be perfectly honest.

"Last week I gave you an injection." You shifted nervously in your seat, the chair creaking a little as it cut through the silence. "Any new symptoms since then? And most importantly: What about the pain?"

Every single time you were almost ashamed to ask - and just as you expected, Reaper didn't exactly look pleased. "You know the answer already, doc."

It seriously was a miracle how anyone could endure this kind of torture for so long without succumbing to madness - but even if he'd lose the will to continue, there was no way to end his existence in this state of neither life nor death.

And still, he sat across from you all calm and collected, though suffering silently - collapsing on the inside, where he had to die countless deaths over and over again.

Obviously, Talon was not interested in turning their most deadliest agent back to normal. However, you had lately achieved to convince them to give you the financial ressources needed to at least try and improve his current condition, promising him to become even more efficient afterwards.

"It hurts." His voice was cracking and laced with pain, bordering on the audibe and it scattered your heart into a thousand pieces.

The least you could do was continue to work until you'd be able to give that man some hope.

"I know" you whispered, placing a hand on his knee and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'm there, and I'll do what I can to find a cure. I promise."

Reaper let out an almost inaudible sob before pulling away from you, burying his face in his hands before rubbing it frantically to become clear-headed again.

"I don't need your pity" he suddenly gritted, a menacing glare shooting over to you as he tore the mask away from the counter and put it on once again. "And I'm not your pet."

You closed your eyes and released a sharp breath to ground yourself, since you didn't want to say anything imprudent. "No, you're my friend. But I'm sorry if it ever appeared otherwise."

Shocked with himself and his demeanour towards you, Reyes shot up from the seat and uttered an apology as he rushed towards the door.

"It's okay, really." Yet the way you'd treat him with nothing but sympathy and care would only further feed the anger and loathing directed at no one else but himself. "See you next week?"

"Yeah" Reyes spoke in a raspy, distorted voice, already dissolving into his wraith form, almost fleeing from you as quick as possible. "I'm grateful, doc...for everything."

___

The way back to his quarters felt like a walk of shame, one that felt agonizingly long since he was now all along with his thoughts once again.

Everyone he would pass in in the hallways would fall silent and immediately duck down, remaining bowed down and with their heads hung low in respect and fear - hoping to be spared by the eldritch horror's rage.

As soon as Reaper arrived, he'd slam the door shut and let out a horrifying roar that made anyone in the hallway closeby shudder in fear.

Things were like this every week with you, and would end up just the same.

Gabriel Reyes had been the epitome of toxic masculinity - a person to never let his true, inward emotions slip that easily. It was just not how he was raised, in a strict household and as a soldier. He was expected to build a brick wall around anything that could even remotely make him seem weak - suppress instead of process was the mantra.

And while due to this he certainly already had poor anger management issues before, his transformation towards this thing they called Reaper would only amplify his erratic nature.

Right now, he felt conflicted - both pathetic and also so incredibly safe whenever he was close to you.

There was no judgement, no expected role to play for him. You had glanced right behind the facade and still chose to enjoy his company.

Slowly opening up, he realized how effortlessly you could silence the voice inside of his head, how your touch would replace his pain with pure pleasure without even trying.

Deep inside of him a longing had awoken, one he thought to have killed a long time ago - buried along with everything else that chained him to his old life.

A fist of his subconsciously made it's way towards the nearby wall, the impact strong enough to make the hardened steel yield under the force. When he opened his tear-stained eyes again, he realized that his shadow had spread through the whole room, demolishing everything in it's path.

So he could indeed still cry, huh.

Defeated, he fell down to his knees, in midst of the wake of destruction.

No. It could never be. Shouldn't be. This was a line he shall not cross.

As if you could ever think of him as something else than a broken abomination - and even if you'd be crazy enough to actually reciprocate his feelings, being around him would only put you in harm's way.

While he certainly would never direct his wrath towards you, the responsibility of being the moral support of a literal monster was simply too much to bear.

You were so full of light, and Reaper felt drawn to you like a moth that had always involuntarily found itself surrounded by darkness. He'd become addicted, take and take and take from you without anything to give in return - then failing you, eventually.

He must never give in to this desire, for your own sake.

Knowing you safe and being able to be graced with your presence once in a while was more enough - and more than he deserved.

Reyes let himself fall backwards onto his bed, the mattress squeaking under his weight. His mind wandered back and forth to the genuine way you were smiling at him, how your eyes were shining with sheer admiration as if he wasn't a goddamn freak.

The thoughts got stuck on reminiscing the sensation of your touch against his skin, now turning into a burning need that spread throughout his whole body.

"Shit..." he muttered between gritted teeth, palming his erection through his pants. "Y/N, what are you doing to me..."

Before he even realized, Reyes had already discarded his clothes, tossing them away to the ground before plummeting down to the bed once again.

Desperate for some relief, he grabbed his cock and pressed his thumb to the tip, precum already leaking out of it. His eyes would remain closed as he imagined what you'd look like bend over your office desk, presenting the view of what's under that sinfully short skirt of yours.

Reyes' cock twitched in his palm at the thought of rubbing against your folds, what it'd be like if you'd grind against him with that perfect ass of yours.

He began stroking himself at the same time he pictured himself pushing into you, the mental sound of your moans vivid in his head as his pace began to speed up.

Taking the shirt of his that still had your scent of your perfume linger on it, he inhaled deeply before letting out an animalistic groan. Oh, he couldn't put in words just how much he craved to explore every single inch of your body and giving you pleasure no man before him ever could.

His toes curled, his free hand digging into the sheet as the memory of your smile flashed in front of his inner eye, leading him over the edge. Reaper came with a loud shout of your name, his seed spread across his stomach and wavering chest.

It didn't take long to come down from that brief high, all that's left for him now being to curl up under the blankets and claw into a pillow, harshly reminded of the empty bedplace next to him.

Not being able to feel you right now was more torture than his state of being ever could.

___

Asides from the weekly examination and occasional briefings, you and Reaper never really met before - neither coincidentally, nor planned.

You were way too shy to suggest it yourself, and much to your frustration the man just didn't seem to notice your subtle hints and ask you himself.

Yeah, it's not exactly professional to crush on a patient, but you people at Talon were basically villains so fuck the rules, right?

Maybe you were just imagining him reciprocating your feelings and he was plainly not interested, though. Completely understandable, since that man was basically married to his work.

But he could at least properly reject you instead of tiptoeing around you like that.

Today would be an exception however, since Talon would conduct their annual celebration - yes, as odd as it sounds, even an evil organisation made efforts to please their workers.

Sadly, Reaper had been on a mission during your latest appointment, so you weren't able to collect all of your courage and ask him out like you had planned. But at least you heared rumors that he'd attend as well, so even though you were usually not a fan of such trivialities, you thought it was worth to take the shot.

Now here you were, sitting at the shabby make-shift bar and sipping on your third alcoholic beverage in order to loosen up. Still no sign of him, and your patience slowly but steadily grew thinner as you realized how ridiculous you behaved.

Deciding to leave after you finished small-talk with some coworkers of Moira's lab, you emptied your glass in one gulp and let out a small sigh before getting up.

You were almost at the exit when suddenly, an all too familiar figure stepped inside, the unexpected sight making your breath hitch in your throat.

Both of you froze simultaneously, black holes of his mask staring back at you as the tall man towered wordlessly in front of you. His massive frame was almost completely blocking the door, and the people waiting to enter behind him knew better than to speak up.

Reaper had dressed himself in an all-black suit for a change, modified so it would still have a hood and gloves. The long coat he wore above it reminded you of his usual cloak, yet it was made out of silk instead of hardened leather.

"I- umm...hi" you stuttered, unlike your usual bubbly self Reyes knew from the laboratory. Opening and closing your mouth in several attempts to find the right words, you shook your head in defeat and grabbed his wrist out of a whim. "Come, we're blocking the entrance."

There was still not a sound from his side, and you sheepishly tried avoiding to look right at him even though his face was hidden behind the usual mask. Good for him, though, because like this you couldn't see how his gaze stuck on that cleavage of yours more often than not.

"Shit" was the only thing his baffled mind could come up with right now - though he had prayed to see you again, the rational part of his brain knew it was no good to run into you tonight. And now you were standing so close, with a dress whose fabric was hugging every single one of your curves so damn well.

It was hard enough to contain himself during the appointments, all alone with you in a soundproof room and with you always wearing those way too inappropriate clothes underneath your lab coat...

...but this was just too much for him to bear.

"You look...fine." His first sentence tonight was just that, unable to string together any more words than that and mentally facepalming at himself for having become such a socially awkward mess.

You were sheer magnificent and he was both awestruck and astonished - but god forbid that he ever not fucked up every single time the two of you would meet.

Of course you wouldn't mind, instead your face lighted up in excitement that your outfit had succeeded it's purpose of him acknowledging you. "Thank you very much! You also look as good as always - for someone who just returned from a mission, I mean."

Jittery beyond belief that you could finally be close to Reaper in a different setting than the medical office, you shifted your weight from one leg to another before suggesting "Do you want to, I don't know...get some drinks?"

Funny thing to say, considering he wouldn't take his mask off in public any time soon. "Or dance? Whatever? Anything?"

Seems like he wasn't the only lovestruck fool in here, though you highly doubted he'd interpret your clumsy attitude the right way.

"Aren't you with someone?" You could've sworn that sometimes you could exactly picture what kind of face he'd make behind the mask, and right now he probably rose a suspecting eyebrow at you.

It was hard to imagine that such a beautiful and kind woman would attend a party like this without suitors. You were so refreshingly...normal for a Talon member. One of the few that weren't completely inhumane, selfish or straight up psychotic maniacs.

"Not really" you chuckled, rubbing the back of your head as you remembered just how many invitations for tonight you declined. "But I wouldn't mind some company if it's you."

Reaper's good intentions ceased with every minute passing by, mind flooded by possible scenarios of the things he wished to do to you - for you.

Countless times he had made up excuses to leave your sessions early, since the sheer sight of you was enough to urge himself to do something unspeakable. The only thing keeping him from losing himself and just give in to those inferior instincts until now was his concern for your safety...

...because only his affection for you could outmatch even the maddening yearning achieved through a lifetime in solitude.

Whenever Reyes became emotionally instable, he tended to outbursts that would not differentiate between friend or foe, only afterwards being aware for the wake of destruction he left behind...

...so who knew what might happen if he'd let those intense feelings for you take over.

No matter what kind of person Reaper wished to be, it was impossible to escape his own skin.

He was a ticking bomb, ready to destroy everything and everyone around him at any time like so often before - and he certainly wouldn't take any risks.

"Hello, anyone there?" Waving a hand in front of his face, you metaphorically heared the gears in his head turning.

"I'm afraid I have to attend an emergency meeting." As if you'd ever believe some cheap excuse like that, yet there weren't many options to decline your generous offer.

Unwilling to let him leave you alone for the umpteenth time, you stormed after him into the empty hallway and held onto his cloak, effectively making him stop. Reaper harrumphed angrily as he turned around, just for his heart to sink into his stomach as he saw tears dwell in your eyes - built up over time via all this uncertainty.

"Did I do something wrong?" Your voice was small and clearly on the verge of crying, and Reaper would slack his shoulders in defeat. "No."

"Then why do you avoid me like I'm the goddamn pest?" You exclaimed, lip trembling before letting out a weak sob - yet refusing to break out in tears to keep at least a fraction of your dignity.

"Y/N, you're drunk." That was as far away from an answer you wanted to hear as humanly possible, only further feeding your frustration.

"I won't leave you alone until I got a proper explanation!" you snapped back at him, not caring about how pathetic and obtrusive you might be behaving at that moment, or who else might hear you right now. "Reaper, I beg of you...just tell me straight up if you can't stand me and I'll leave you alone."

Maybe it would be for the better to just lie and affirm your theory - but he just couldn't do it.

"Reaper, please..." you sniveled, and he wouldn't pull away when you put one hand onto his mask. "Just give me a reason. I like you very, very much, so...please don't shut me out."

Feeling bold - and probably still influenced by the wine still in your system - you wrapped your arms around the man, pressing yourself against him gentle yet demanding.

Reaper instantly felt his already boiling blood wander to his nether regions at the sudden proximity, lends prickling with lust as the embrace made your breasts press against his abdomen, almost inviting him to an unwise decision.

Goddamnit, why didn't he have any better self-control?!

Overwhelmed, there was nothing left for him than to ultimatively push you away, cussing inaudible curses under his breath. Concerned for the seemingly distraught man, you went a few steps towards him again - yet he signalized you to stay back. "I-I'm sorry, I thought-"

"Touch me again, and I'll kill you."

With those words he fled the scenario, and every syllable of them shot a bullet through your already aching heart.

Hearing your broken whimpers, the reality crept onto Reaper...

...he had succeeded in keeping you safe, even if it costed him the only joy left in his ridiculous existence.

___

Ever since that night, Reaper would cut you out of his life completely afterwards, without ever resolving whatever was the initial issue.

At the very next morning already he had demanded for another researcher to be assigned to him, much to your sadness replacing you just like that and taking the only remaining possible contact away from you.

It was evident that he purposefully destroyed any kind of connection between the two of you, yet the fact that you still couldn't make sense out of his drastic change of behavior was more than unsatisfying to you.

In the end, after several weeks had passed without any sign of life from your former friend and patient, you decided to take things into your own hands.

Reaper on the other hand had fallen into a downwards spiral ever since your weekly meetings - the only thing he had looked forwards to until now - had fallen apart as well.

The fact that you were save the farther he was away from you wasn't really as satisfying as he thought it would be.

His heart was clenching painfully again as he emptied yet another bottle of cheap whiskey - a deed that did not influence his biology in the slightest, but at least the familiar burning on his tongue was sort of a comfort.

And then, a soft knock on his door made him snap out of his self-caused misery.

As forlorn as he was in the moment, he didn't spent much thought about who could be behind that door as the second knock was a little more demanding. Probably an emergency, and he had forgotten to turn on his cellphone...

...yet when it was in fact you who was standing in his doorframe, he almost choked on nothingness at the sight.

You immediately leaped inside before he could slam the door into your face again, gasping as you saw the desolate state of his home. Turning towards the man, who was currently only wearing a jogging suit, he quickly pull the hood over his face.

Still, you could clearly see the even darker than usual circles under his eyes, along with a scruffy beard he didn't care enough to maintain.

"Reaper..." You had no clue what exactly was going on, but seeing him like this hurt nonetheless. Actually, you had prepared to toss all sorts of accusations into his face, to tell him just how sad and confused he had left you ever since then...

...but now, realizing just how much he was suffering himself made your anger for him disappear into thin air.

"What do you want?" he scoffed as your eyes darted across the room, just to pause at the stack of empty bottles. "I-I wanted to...apologize."

Apologize? You? For what?! If anyone should feel guilty, it's him!

You truly were too good for this world...

"No need to" Reyes nonchalantly brushed it off, aimlessly trying to move a safe distance away from you - to no avail. "Yes, I do!"

You wanted to touch him like you'd always do - yet his earlier threat popped up in your mind so you recoiled your hand. Nevertheless, there was still that spark in your eyes he wanted to believe would appear just for him. "I think I get it now. I-I mean, I...had a crush on you."

Had. Past tense. A plain word, and yet such a huge impact.

"I totally misunderstood and thought you liked me too. If I had known the situation you were in I would've concentrated on helping you instead, but I only pressured you further. I am so, so sorry..."

"Shut up" he now growled with a voice you did not recognize, darkened irises snapping back at you. "That's enough. Are you seriously not understanding the danger you're in?!"

"R-Reaper, I don't know what you're-"

The man now took firm steps towards you, with you backing off until your body hit the wall behind. "Do you have any idea what you're doing to me all this time, Y/N?!"

Now it was Reyes who had his whole body weight pressed against your much smaller one, and you could clearly feel the outlines of his erection pressing against your chest.

His hands gripped your shoulders, digging into them tightly as he harshly shook you. "I've told you to stay away from me a thousand times...but you just won't listen, do you?"

Sounding woeful like this, he also seemed to be full of remorse - not for what had been, but what he was about to do.

Oh, you think to know even the worst sides of him, huh? No. You haven't even been close to the darkest corners of his mind he wanted to protect you from all this time!

The short period of time without your guidance had only further scattered the peaces of his mind, fed his insanity and drove him farther away from the person he once was.

Right. Reyes had been so patient, restrained himself for you no matter how tempting it was to just give in. And here you were, having come back for him in spite of everything.

You were indeed too naive for your own good, always stubbornly wanting to see the good left in him.

If you were really so selfless, then maybe he should just take what he needed from you.

"Teasing me all this time, acting all innocent..." Reaper grumbled and slammed his hands against the wall on either side of your head, trapping you between his muscular arms.

His voice bordered on desperation, proof of his internal conflict. "You have no idea how often I wanted to throw you onto the next best surface and fuck you senseless until you'd beg me to stop."

Wild eyes were staring at you, softening only when a hand of his slid under the back of your shirt, the contact raising goosebumps on your skin. He cradled you against him now, his palm still resting between your shoulder blades.

"All I ever wanted was to be close to you just like this...and now I've destroyed everything."

The mercenary felt how you slowly relaxed against his body, eyes closing as you nestled your face against his chest. He thought it to be just his imagination, a trick played by his own twisted mind...

...but then you forced him down to your height, faces just mere inches apart as you graced his lips with yours.

"Who said you couldn't?"

As soon as you released him from the kiss Reaper would stumble backwards, his voice wavering as he asked "Y/N...why?"

You cracked a painful yet promising smile, looking at him with those doe eyes he had never truly been able to withstand.

"I've already told you before: I trust you."

Reyes whined at your obvious statement, so close to lose his well-meant intentions - yet he still stepped aside in shame, making way for your escape. "Please...just- just go. And don't come back this time. I-I really don't wanna hurt you."

"You won't." The answer came as quick as a shot, not the slightest hint of doubt in your voice...

...and that was all it took for him to completely lose it.

The soldier's mouth crashed over yours in a desperate urgency, in his almost-undead state literally needing you more than air itself. You moaned against his lips as he deepened the kiss, his tongue entering your mouth and joining yours in an ecstatic dance.

Reaper took his time relishing in the sensation of your delicate skin under his raw fingers, finally able to experience the real deal. His caress was eager yet not less mellow. And surprisingly warm for a reanimated corpse, heat radiating off of him due to the constant cell repair.

You panted heavily as you pushed him away a little, and for a second he was afraid to have overstepped a line. "We don't need to go any further. If you've changed your mind, that's oka-"

"Shh" you hushed him as you kneeled down, smirking mischievously yet not less affectionate. "I think you've made me wait long enough."

Kneeling down in fromt of him, you impatiently pulling down the waistband of his sweatpants. His hard cock sprung up against your face, with prominent veins and an angry red tip leaking precum already. "Oh, dear...you sure need some release."

Actually he would want to object, say that you didn't need to do this for him straightaway, that he could take care of it himself - yet his mind was too clouded by lust for him to have any coherent thought.

"S-Shit, Y/N..." he bit his lip as you unsucessfully tried enclosing your fingers around him, the width of his making you a little taken aback. You could easily use both hands and still wouldn't cover his whole lenght, squeezing ever so little before moving up and down.

"I want to be repayed next time, you know?" You teased his glans as you swirled your tongue around it, making him whimper. "But for now that's enough."

Reyes thrusted his hips forwards to push himself further into your mouth, and you could feel heat rising at your core as well, pressing your thighs together for some friction. "Please, more... oh fuck..."

At this point you had left the man a stuttering puddle of lust, all sorts of pathetic sounds filling the room as you keenly continued pleasing him.

All of a sudden you felt Reaper ball a fist in your hair, shoving his whole member deep inside of you as he finished with a low groan. The first spourts ran down your throat before he quickly pulled out, the rest covering your chest while he stroked himself through his high.

"S-Sorry..." he stammered, gently petting your head as you coughed due to the brief cut of air supply. "I'm usually not the gentle one."

"As if that's news" you deadpanned, looking up to him just for your gaze to be stuck on lower regions again. "It's...still stiff."

"Well, the SEP increases stamina - and also one's libido." Indeed, his cock was still impressively standing upright in all of it's prime. "Don't worry about it."

Reyes thought about offering you a hand to stand up, but instead swiftly picked you off from the ground out of a whim. "Can- do you want to stay?"

"Of course" was your answer as he gently let you down on his bed again, quick to throw himself behind you and clinging to your back.

However, you weren't able to suppress an almost pornographic moan as you felt his erection pressed against your behind, pushing your ass against it out of reflex.

"R-Reaper..." you almost begged, leading his hands to cup your breasts and not stopping to grind against him. "Wha-what if I want to continue?"

"It would be the first time since, well...since I am like this..." Still, he couldn't resist to fondle with your nipples, humping against you as his other hand began circling your clit. "But I'd be damned if I don't indulge you as well."

You rolled around to lie on your back, the man towering over you as he hungrily parted your legs. He licked his lips, unable to refrain from touching himself at the sight. "Such a pretty pussy, fuck..."

Reyes let two fingers run between your already slick folds, scissoring them to reveal your core before he sunk them in. You gasped as more entered you, slowly stretching your insides as he began fucking you on his fingers.

Aroused beyond belief, he soon buried his face in your pussy, making you moan uncontrollably as he found your weak spot with ease. His fingernails dug in the surface of your thighs as he ate you out, groaning deeply at the heavenly taste.

As hard as it was to remained focused with your orgasm building up so fast, your mind was set on one thing.

"R-Reaper...I want you, please..."

He stilled at your words, climbing to settle over your body to look you straight in the eyes. "My love, I'm afraid I can't contain myself."

You cocked your head, furrowing your brows at the man. "I'm already writhing beneath you this whole time, Reyes. I think you have proven your resolve."

Wrapping your arms around your neck, you tenderly brushed your lips against his before engaging in another heartwarming kiss.

And oh, how his heart was soaring for you.

"Let's figure out together."

It was hard for both of you to ever let your lips part again, but if it was to be like that, Reyes would want to have you completely. He ripped apart of what was left of your clothing, leaving both of you fully bare.

"You look like a peace of art" you noted, letting your hand run over his scarred shoulders, slightly emmitting black fume. "A whole life story visible on your body."

And with your whole beauty now revealed in front of him, Reyes was willing to write his own love-letter on your skin - starting with tracing a path of kisses alongsides your curves.

His beard was tickling the skin on your neck, wandering behind your ear and whispering sweet affirmations only for you to hear. "Say my name" he ultimately pleaded, forehead resting on yours as he carefully began pushing into you.

"R-Reaper...ah!" He'd briefly wait for you to become accustomed to his size, pecking more kisses across your face before his thrusts started at a low pace. "No, my real name. Say it."

"Gabriel..." His name sounded so good in your voice, reminding him of the man he once was - as if able to pull what was left of him out of this abomination he had become. "Gabe, please...faster..."

Incited by your filthy noises, his rough touch began leaving bruises here and there as he began fucking you ferociously into the mattress. You'd cross your legs behind his back, allowing him inside impossibly deeper. He felt delirious, this amount of pleasure being too much to bear as you melted against his body - every single touch of yours feeling undeserved for a wretch like himself.

Having troubles to keep his form while being so aroused, he would hide his face in the crook of your neck, wanting to spare you the sight of his true self...

...yet instead you embraced him even closer, one kiss after another meeting his face even as it stopped appearing human.

"I love you, Gabriel Reyes."

Your confession led him over the edge together with you, shouting your name in exasperation as he rode you through your high, finishing closely after.

Shivering and whimmering as you reveled in the aftershocks of your euphoria, you could still feel Reyes pump his seed inside of you - just to grow stiff once again.

Your body was shaking in anticipation as Gabriel continued to slam his hipbone against your sensitive cunt, semen squirting out in the progress. "Shit, Y/N...you feel so fucking good, I can't stop..."

Even as the previous orgasm ebbed down, your nerves remained on fire, every pounding of his sending chills down your spine. You anchored yourself onto his body, fingers ghosting across the skin of his back as you felt yet another wave of pleasure wash over you.

When you came for the last time that night, the sun was alread threatening to rise above the Talon headquarters.

"Well, that answers Moira's question if you're still fertile" you almost choked at your own laughter and Reyes would only groan in annoyance, placing a wet kiss into your hair. "Never mention her name inside here ever again, please?"

"Just saying it's better than finding out her way" you snorted, stirring in the sheets until your lover put an arm and leg around you, trapping you in his hold. "Weirdo."

"You're one to talk." You finally saw him mirroring a genuine smile, his face lighting up brightly as he rubbed his cheek against yours. "Being happy suits you, you know?"

"And I hope you know that I won't let you go that easily again." As if you could even remotely walk after yesterday - not that it mattered, since it was your day off. "That was the plan. And to be honest, it was totally worthwhile."

"Let me take care of you today, alright?" Your lover briefly turned into his wraith form, returning shortly after with fresh water and a shirt of his for you to wear. "I'll even run you a bath if you like."

"Maybe later...mhh...sleep would be nice..." you already halfway dozed off, lolling around on the mattress and patting the empty spot next to you. "Come back?"

Gabe didn't need to be told twice, covering you with the blanket as you slowly drifted away to sleep. Having his whole world in his arms like this, it made himself feel grounded again as well.

Starting now, he wouldn't bother himself with fears or doubts anymore - for his focus would lie on becoming a better man.

Just as you had showed him he could be.

Alongside several disturbing features, Reaper was able to perceive the souls of all living beings...

...and while he adored you resting there all peacefully, he couldn't help but think that he had never laid eyes upon a soul like yours.

"Thank you, Y/N...for not giving up on me."

#overwatch #overwatch 2 #reaper x reader #gabriel reyes x reader #reaper #gabriel reyes #reaper / reader #gabriel reyes / reader #writing #fanfiction

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vinxhwrites · 5 months

Text

I watched porn today and got sad and horny; wrote a part 2 for this; I don't fully know where this is going but I've got some ideas. I'm not that happy with how this turned out so I might edit it later.

pairing: ghost x f!reader x price

word count: 2k

cw: NSFW! +18!; masturbation, dirty talk, slightly dom!ghost; probably inaccurate job descriptions/situations, pet names, not proofread.

previous I next

Price wasn't usually one to complain or whine. Today, though, he had spent the entire morning lamenting about how poorly he had slept, how much his shoulders and neck were sore, in how much pain he was.

You offered to get him some pain medication, a muscle relaxer maybe, but he rejected the offer every time you offered. You started to think he was teasing you, smirking playfully at you every time he whined from pain. You thought of offering him a massage, even if you had no idea how to give a good one, for the simple reason that you wanted to take any excuse you could to touch him.

He definitely knew the effect he had on you and seemed to enjoy playing with it.

After lunch, Ghost joined you in the office.

He'd gotten into the habit of greeting you, with words instead of nods, ever since he'd seen you crying in John's arms the week prior. Your presence didn't seem to bother him that much anymore. You tried to rationalize this change and attribute it to some new sense of intimacy between the two of you.

As soon as he sat down on the couch, came another little comment from Price: "my back's killing me". He was definitely teasing you.

You finally offered him a massage and immediately wanted to take the offer back. The way he looked at you in response didn't seem appropriate at all. But, fuck, you wanted to touch him so bad.

You raised from your chair and positioned yourself behind him, wiping the sweat from your hands on your jeans before raising them to grip Price's shoulder. You could smell his shampoo now, and feel how warm his skin was beneath his shirt. You tried to feel casual about it, but couldn't.

You took a glance at Ghost on the other side of the room, he was looking directly at you, not even pretending to look through the paperwork on his lap anymore.

You started to rub John's shoulders gently and he let out a groan. He let his fall back, closing his eyes. His hat brushed against the fabric of your shirt.

His muscles were stiff and you did your best to make them feel less tightened up with your fingers. You wanted to stop abruptly whenever he whimpered in response, but it seemed worse: like you'd be acknowledging how sexual it sounded. He caressed your forearm lightly. It felt obscene.

You didn't dare to look at Ghost anymore, trying to ignore the fact that he was there to witness the sounds the captain made in response to your touch, but you could feel his gaze burning into you the entire time.

"that's it, baby" he groaned when you pressed between his shoulder blades with your thumb. You hated how hot it made you feel.

You took a deep breath, consciously reminding yourself to breathe normally. You tried to distract yourself from the sudden urge that grew between your tights.

"How does your back feel, lieutenant?" he asked with a smirk.

Ghost took a deep breath before answering "It's fine".

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir"

"You don't look too comfortable" John insisted calmly. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind helping you" he suggested and you gulped, finally looking at Ghost again, he had his eyes closed.

"Isn't that right, honey?" John asked, looking up at you. You nodded.

Ghost straightened his posture once more, clearing his throat before uttering "I'm fine, captain".

He left the office without saying a word less than five minutes after you sat back down to continue your work.

"Sir," you started in an apologetic tone, your voice barely audible when you looked at your captain beside you "I feel like that wasn't adequate."

He chuckled without looking away from his laptop.

"Don't worry about it, baby" he muttered.

That same night, you heard two firm knocks on your door. You immediately sat on the bed.

"yes?" you tried not to sound too sleepy.

The door was opened to reveal a tall figure. Ghost promptly came inside your bedroom and closed the door behind him. The room was barely lit through small rays of light that came from beneath the door, only clear enough for you to see his dark figure contrasted with the wall. His face was completely dark, except for his eyes, so you imagined he was still wearing his mask.

"Is everything OK, sir?" you asked, your heart racing a little. He always managed to make you uncomfortable with these prolonged silences. You were glad you couldn't see well in the dark, but you were sure he looked directly at you.

"Yes" he answered, his voice was low but still clear.

He grabbed the metal chair that stood beside the door and put it a bit closer to your bed, sitting on it afterward, right across from you.

He let his arms rest on his thighs, his posture very erect even while sitting, "Why did you do that?"

"What?"

"Why'd massage him in front of me like that?" he asked, and you felt your cheeks burn.

"Oh," you gasped, feeling inadequate all of a sudden "I'm sorry?"

"Are you attracted to me?" he fired then "Hm? Are you trying to tempt me?"

"Uuh...-" you mumbled, lost for words, trying to process his straightforward questions "I...-?"

"I really wish I could touch you." He said, ignoring your mumbling. Your heart almost left your chest. You could feel your palms sweating on the sheets.

"Sir-" you started.

He leaned in a bit, his face getting closer to you, enough that you could feel the air get warmer around you "But I really shouldn't, you know?".

You could feel yourself getting wet under your panties, but you weren't sure if this was an honest sexually charged conversation or if you were being kindly reprehended for giving being so goddamn inappropriate.

"I understand," you said, a bit embarrassed that he'd come here in the middle of the night only to tell you this. Your dignity had already flown out the window at this point, so you continued, hoping to make the awkward silence go away "I'll do better, sir."

Ghost let out a short muffled laugh, which made you even more confused and embarrassed. Your eyes had adjusted better to the lack of light to the point that you could clearly see the outline of his body in front of you, you could even vaguely distinguish small details on his clothes, but the mask didn't allow you to see the devilish smile that played on his lips.

"Fuck" he sighed, adjusting himself back on the chair, his eyes still glued to you. Then, after a few seconds: "Lay down," he demanded in a low voice.

Your body obeyed immediately, resting your head on your pillow. You tried to close your eyes, imagining he'd leave, but the excitement that his presence caused within you wouldn't allow it.

"Take these shorts off" he instructed calmly, almost a whisper.

Your eyes widened, looking at him in shock, but before you could even process the information properly your hands had already guided the shorts of your pajamas down your legs. His left hand touched his own crotch over his pants. "God, you look so good." he closed his eyes for a second but readily opened them again. "Now, touch yourself for me, baby." he wasn't asking.

A part of you wanted to protest, you could hear it yelling inside what the fuck are you doing?! , but another part, the one that was winning the inner dispute at the moment, adored just being told what to do without a thought or concern: just let him take the reins.

You seemed to be working on auto-pilot, with no real space to feel any shame or to overthink.

"Good." you heard him mutter as your fingers reached for your clit. You closed or eyes again and heard him reposition his chair, still not close enough to touch you. "Imagine I'm touching you," he instructed, and you let out a moan as you heard him unzip his pants.

Your eyes opened again instinctively, and you tilted your head to the side to get a better look at him. You could see him get his pants only low enough to free his cock from his underwear. You couldn't help but moan again at the sight.

Ghost took a deep breath, "look at what you did to me." he said, dick in his hand.

"I'm sorry," you said instinctively, as if this situation was somehow your fault.

"You should be."

You could only make out the movement of his hand in the dark, going up and down on himself. His other hand rested on his left knee. You felt really wet under your own fingers, and you wished he could feel it, but didn't dare to express such a thought out loud.

He seemed to relax on his chair after a few minutes, leaning his head back a bit and closing his eyes. "Wish you would sit on it, love" he said, but you knew it wasn't an invitation, "Would you like that?"

"U-hum" you nodded obediently, the image of it now stuck in your mind's eye.

"Bet you're really wet, huh?" his voice now sounded more like a moan, an absolutely delicious sound. Again, you nodded in response. "Bet it feels really good inside of you".

You couldn't help to twitch your body in response to his words, the images he described playing as a loop in your head, and the low sound of his moans in the background only made you want him more. You kept anticipating he'd touch you, he'd let you touch him, but he barely moved.

He spoke just enough to keep you going, so quietly you could barely hear him at some points, only filling the silence with barely discernible sounds, leaving you wondering if he was even talking to you.

You craved to know what he was saying, wished he'd come to whisper his words in your ear. But he didn't.

"Want you to cum for me" he muttered, a bit more clearly now.

"okay" you nodded, he didn't even have to ask for it, an orgasm was already brewing in your lower stomach.

You begged him to come closer at one point, to no avail. You tried again, dared him to touch you. He didn't even hesitate on the chair. "Please" you insisted with no shame, making him grunt, but not move.

"You're making this really hard," he said, and you did your best to stop talking, only speaking again to announce that you were about to cum, which pleased him beyond words.

He came in his hands seconds after you, and you could only tell by the way his shadowy figure got suddenly rigid and then relaxed again. He threw his head back on the chair, staring at the ceiling for a few moments.

You turned to your side on the bed when he stood up and came in your direction, but he didn't look at you, reaching for the box of tissues beside your bed. He cleaned his hands and crotch and threw the tissues in the bin. Then, he put the chair back on its original place.

You put your shorts back on in an effort to look a little less affected by him.

"Tell no one about this," he said firmly, his back turned to you, his voice back to its normal cadence.

"Ok" you responded, in a weak and low voice.

"I'll tell Price myself"

"No-" you squeaked "You don't have to. Please."

Truth is, you'd been so distracted by Ghost that you didn't give much thought to the consequences at the moment. The idea of Price knowing about it suddenly scared you. Maybe he'd get angry at you, feel like you betrayed him somehow. Did he even like you this much? Did he even like you this way? The idea of him getting angry suddenly felt nicer than the one of him being indifferent to it. Would he punish you for it? Please, God, you hoped, what if he punished you?

"I tell him everything.” he said simply, ignoring your sudden burst of anxiety "Have a good night."

He turned his head to look at you for one brief moment, seemingly pondering something, before abruptly opening the door and leaving your room.

#call of duty fanfic #simon riley x reader #ghost x reader #cod x reader #john price x reader #captain price

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emotionallyattachednerd · 9 months

Text

Crimson Lust ❙ TP Knock Out x f!human reader ❙ NSFW 18+

Word count: 1700+

Warnings: Smut ( self touching ), possessive behaviour and car fetish ( I have no idea what else to call it lol ). NSFW 18+.

Notes: Who doesn't love the beautiful red medic? These robot x human pairings are a lot of fun. This was an interesting write to do. Thanks for requesting and hope you like it. 🥰

Tips☕

To watch street racing gives you a whole new feeling that rushes through you. The speed, the roar of engines, the smell of burning rubber, it was a drug you didn't want to shake off.

At the race you will attend you will try to get a free ride in the race, seeking if any of the drivers are interested in your company. All that has to be done is for you to wear a tight fitting dress and you have them wrapped around your finger.

For the last couple of years you did this and you never want to change or shake off your obsessive thrill. Though it does change a little when you meet him. The gorgeous red Aston Martin.

Turns out he has secrets too and what was meant to be a simple free ride in a race turns into you being thrust into a world where now giant alien robots walk among earth.

Knock Out he calls himself, cute name you thought, oddly enough.

At first he seems curious about you, then it grows into fascination, and quickly jumps to obsession. He likes you, and doesn't want you riding in anyone else's car ever again. He becomes possessive even when you honestly don't mind.

Being owned gives another odd warmth in your belly. A need for attention from him has corrupted your mind. It doesn't matter which race you will attend, he always finds you.

Tonight you walk into the high beamed area where people gathered, talking loudly, cars roaring and heavy music thumping that rocks through your heart. You let out a delightful hum, loving the feeling.

As usual you wear one of your dresses, a crimson red, on purpose of course. You are expecting to find him here just like the last time. You are aiming to please him and last time you remember he asked you to wear more red just for him, and you do.

Wearing plump red cherry lip gloss, rose blush, and dark red heels, you complete the look.

There are guys who approach you offering a good time. In another life you would've been flattered, but you've found something so much better now.

The familiar sound of the Aston Martin grabs your attention and smiles warmly as the car drives up beside you, the passenger door opening for you to climb in. The windows are tinted so dark that it is near impossible for anyone to look in. Perfect.

"My my, is this all just for me?" You hear Knock Out ask through the radio and you can sense a smug grin in his tone.

"You asked for it last time honey." You answer casually as you got comfortable. "I missed you."

"Did you know? Well, how about something for me? Go ahead, I want to feel it again." He didn't beg but you can hear it in his voice, the desperation.

Letting out a flattered giggle you lean forward across the dashboard. Your hands slowly smooth their way across the surface, pressing your finger tips a little more firmly to rub him before using your lips to kiss him on top, softly dragging your tongue across the same area, teasing him and slowly moving away again.

You can feel him shudder under your touches making you smirk softly in delight. You enjoy having that effect on him.

"The race is about to start darling." You say through a silky voice.

"Excellent." You hear him purr in return.

At the starting line you are already shivering in excitement as Knockout lets out a couple of loud revs beside the others. You bite your lips feeling the excitement burn through you right down to your core.

At the go, the racers take off. Your back hits back against the leather seat as you grip against the side door and seat, a shaky aroused breath leaving you as the speed gets into your head.

Your breathing picks up as you feel your very core warming more, becoming moist so quick. Yeah, you get turned on with street racing, but the effect is so much stronger with Knock Out. He knows how to drive and put on a performance.

The seat starts warming up making you glance over the console of the car, feeling yourself smirk knowing Knock Out is watching both the rode and yourself.

"Do it." His given order is clear. You know what he wants.

Slowly your hands glide up across your breasts over the fabric, tugging the tub down ever so gently and revealing them for the show you were putting on. The fabric only sits before your breasts as you bring your hands back up, touching them softly and pinching each nipple as you bite your lips through a fruity moan.

You can hear Knock Out moaning through the rawr of his engines as he drives, picking up speed as he passes other drivers without struggle.

Your hands then slowly snake down across your belly and thighs, where your bodycon dress ends and move the fabric up higher. You wear no undergarments, never for Knock Out.

"Primus." You hear him say next, not fully understanding the meaning of it but you don't question either. You simply go with it.

Spreading your legs you show him a better view of yourself, hands smoothing over your inner thighs. You have slid down a little in her seat to bring yourself closer towards the consol, where you know he is viewing you from.

You bring your hand back up towards your lips and suck at two fingers, wetting them and giving a teasing view for Knock Out before dipping them back down towards your aching core.

Letting out a soft sigh of pleasure you start to play with yourself, spreading your core and rubbing at your clit gently as your back arches under your touches. You truly knew how to touch yourself, and only you can ever make you feel like this.

You are curious though just how Knock Out might touch you, and that is something to learn perhaps another time. For now, it is time for you to put on a show as he races.

Gently slide your heels off from your feet and pop them up onto the dashboard so you're able to spread your legs more in view. Your back is arched, body exposed, and fingers rubbing at yourself in excitement.

You can feel every vibration from Knock Out against your body, adding the sensation to your growing arousal as you also feel his speed picking up more. He's going so fast!

Your other hand comes up to your breast, massaging gently and twerking at your nipple as your other dips a finger into her depths.

"Oh god..." You moan out in delight, curling your finger against your walls as you move your thumb around your clit. "A-are you winning?" You manage to ask him.

" I always win." He answers through a satisfied hum. "I assume that pleases you?"

"Yes...yes!" You can't help but raise your voice, your fingers working fast at yourself.

Your toes curl as they rest up against the dash, tingling pleasure sparking through every inch of your body, two fingers now pumping into yourself.

"Such a delightful sight you are." You hear Knock Out say, a casual chuckle leaving him. "Do you imagine it's me inside you?"

It sounds silly, impossible, but you do. Everytime you touch yourself you imagine it's Knockout fucking you, no matter how unrealistic that might sound. You crave his robot alien dick.

"I do...Everytime!" You finally admit, working your fingers more firmly and even twisting your nipple making you cry out in bliss.

"Perhaps one day we can...experiment." You hear the grin in his voice, and it gets you so fucking horny even more.

He pushes the pedal as you add a third finger inside yourself, pumping you hand as you twerk your nipple more firmly, heavy breaths leaving your plump lips with your hips raised off the seat more. You're close, so fucking close.

Your juices leak from you, coating your hand and running down your skin and ass. With your eyes closed you could see it, his alien dick in your view. You've never seen it from him before but you can only imagine how magnificent it would look like.

"Knock Out....Knock Out...I'm fucking close!" You chant his name as you warn him, seeking his permission.

"We're almost there darling." You are not allowed to cum until he finishes, that was his rule, and you always follow.

He never loses and you know he's almost there. It won't be long before you can finally cum for him, your beautiful alien robot friend, your addiction, your wild fetish.

"Eat my dust!" Knock Out yells through a booming laugh at the other drivers as he crosses the finishing line.

Within seconds you fall apart, letting out a loud cry of bliss as you clamp around your pumping fingers and arching your hips even further as you cum hard.

After the buzz has calmed down you slowly lower yourself back on the seat as you also move your weak legs back down. Heavy breaths leave you, skin heated and sweaty, tired eyes holding such beautiful lust and calmness all at once. You feel amazing.

The race is over but Knock Out isn't going to stop driving, and he loves watching you after the thrilling experience.

"You always know how to put on an exquisite show." Knock Out says through the radio, and you can hear the faint smugness in his voice.

"You know I'm the best. You're not going to find anything better." Is your response as you fix your snug dress back down and up again.

"How about a casual drive? Think of it as a treat from me for being so good." Again, smugness.

"Treating me like a pet?" You can't help but ask through a smirk. "It is a rather beautiful night. Do you mind dimming the lights inside darling?"

He does as you ask, even moving your chair back for you, followed by soft and slow techno music making you smirk softly again.

"Such a romantic you are."

"You love me."

You don't answer him. All you do is lean into your seat and listen to the music, eyes staring out into the night sky. Knock Out wasn't human, but does that mean what you two had growing couldn't expand further?

Your thoughts slowly drift and sleep takes over shortly. You feel safe with Knock Out, always. You know when you wake up you'll be back home and in your bed.

Your red knight in shining armour will always take care of you.

#transformers #prime #knockout #knockout x reader #robot x human #possessive #reader insert #crimson #street racing #smut #fanfiction #writing #sugarrusheag

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defilerwyrm · 4 months

Note

I have several questions about your medical transition because I'm thinking about what I want myself and how to proceed. Feel free to ignore/not answer any or all.

Did you ever consider meta instead and if yes, what made you go for phallo? And if no, why not?

This may be kind of a weird question but how aware of your genitals are you now? I find it hard to imagine having genitals that are so out there and possibly in the way or touching things. Do they ever annoy you (Not in a "I wish I didn't get surgery" way but just generally)

Were or are you ever worried that getting your ovaries removed (I'm guessing that's included in a total hysterectomy?) could have adverse side effects (like menopause symptoms or other hormonal problems for example) and did/do you experience any of those?

Hope you're having a good enough time and thanks for giving the opportunity to ask those kinds of questions.

I did, heavily! Ultimately what it came down to was that I wanted to be able to top without prosthetics or aids, and I was not lucky enough with bottom growth that that would have really been plausible with meta. The other main factor was that my bottom dysphoria centered on not having a "natal" penis, and phalloplasty was my best option for getting something big enough to satisfy that need. Meta has a lot of advantages, though, such as being able to get a natural erection, so it really depends on your individual needs and wants.

Not very, to be honest, which is a 180 from how it used to be. I have to remind myself to reposition them so as to not get caught between my thighs when I stand, and I'm very aware of them if one of our dogs or cats steps on them or if I get horned up, but other than that they kinda fade into the same general non-attentive awareness I have of my body as a whole. It's very peaceful.

Not one bit. Being sterile was, and is, worth any risk to me. Interestingly, I did have a few months of occasional hot flashes right after having them removed, but from what I gather they were pretty mild: just a few minutes to half an hour of "Man is it hot in here?" and basically nothing else. I will say that the one truly annoying side effect of hysterectomy is I have to pee all the time now, but that's also because I drink about a gallon of water a day, and waking up in the middle of the morning (I work nights) to go piss is just unfortunately pretty common for someone my age of any sex or gender (the good news being that if I can survive till my 60s it should stop on its own then).

Thanks for your ask! Any opportunity to have my experience with medical transition help someone else is a boon to me. :D

#medical transition #transgender #phalloplasty #hysterectomy #bottom surgery #ftm #trans matters #queerdom #replies to things

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ultfreakme · 8 months

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Riki's Thai BL drama recs!

I'm pretty sure 99% of anyone following me don't usually watch these considering I was an anime/manga blog, then a comic blog, an ATLA blog and only very recently an unhinged Thai BL blog but hey! Maybe I can convert some of y'all to the dark side so here are my recs in no particular order!

A Tale of Thousand Stars

I lied about the order, this one's my top favorite hands down.

Plot: Tian is rich, young and spoiled but his seemingly perfect life takes a turn when he learns that he's suffering from a terminal heart disease which requires a transplant to save his life.

With little time left to live, he grows reckless and is rushed into a heart transplant after a car accident. He learns that his new heart is from a young volunteer teacher named Torfun who died in a car crash.

Feeling undeserving of his second chance at life, he follows Torfun's footsteps and becomes a volunteer teacher, using her journal to learn that she wanted to fulfill a wish- to count a thousand stars at the remote and distant Pha Pun Dao Cliff. He also learns that she was growing very close to a forest ranger named Phupha.

Phupha thinks Tian is just another city kid volunteer here to take a few pictures for his socials and leave, without giving proper care to the children and villagers he protects, but as time passes, Tian and Phupha grow closer as they learn more about one another and themselves, with Tian realizing that his motive to stay at Pha Pun Dao has grown from being about Torfun, to his own blooming ties to the villagers and the children he's teaching and perhaps... a particular forest ranger too.

My Thoughts: OKAY this??? This is a freaking beautiful show. The plot and pacing is very well done. The show sinks you into the village of Pha Pun Dao and makes you fall in love with the village the same way Tian does. The side characters and village residents are all unique and charming, the children Tian teaches are adorable and you really get to know the setting and understand why both Torfun and Tian are so attached to this place.

It's a story about gaining back freedom, about finding yourself and finding community. Tian is an amazing protagonist who grows and learns from his mistakes(and boy does he make a lot of mistakes). Phupha is a little cold and closed off but he's charming and so clearly cares and puts his entire heart into the village.

If you enjoy classic slow-burn romances with amazing chemistry and character development with an almost fairy tale-like quality, this one's for you.

2. Triage The Series

Plot: Tin is a third-year ER resident student who's forced into a time loop until he is able to save his patient, a university student named Tol, who seemingly got into a drunk-driving accident. Tin is forced to figure out a way to extend the time he's been given to save Tol, and in the process, he learns more about him and the two fall in love. But what do you do when your lover forgets you every time the clock resets? How do you save the man you love?

My thoughts: The plot is exquisite chef's kiss. The execution is so good every episode makes you want to immediately catch up on the nest. Tensions are high, and while at the start you wish for the time loops to just stop much like our main character Tin, we start wishing for more loops, more chances, as we get to know Tol.

It's a story about how people can change and should be given the chance to do so. How forgiveness, communication, empathy and understanding are key to better ourselves and others. Tin starts the series off as an indifferent, jaded medical student who believes there is no justice due to a past tragedy in his life. He has no motive to save Tol other than to get back on with his life but as he gets to know more about Tol, he starts seeing how significant and important every decision is. Tol is arrogant, spoiled and unaware of the effects he has on the people around him but he grows through his relationship with Tin and does his best to better the lives of people around him.

The side characters are so fleshed out and play important roles, the romance is interwoven with a much darker storyline that starts unfolding through the side characters. The time loops are done really well and the show tries to be medically accurate when it can.

If you're looking for some time travel, plot-heavy, character-driven stories with a bit of an epic romance, this one's for you.

3. Laws of Attraction the Series

Plot: Chan is a high profile lawyer who takes cases in terms of how rich and influential he can get, and in this pursuit takes on the case of a rich politician's son who kills a 11 year old girl in a drunk-driving incident. He hopes to clear the son of charges and gain the politician as a client but the politician fires Chan with no warning. In his quest for revenge for this slight, and growing suspicious of the politician's motive for taking him off the case, Chan finds himself a client in the form of the 11 year old girl's uncle, Tinn, who has been seeking justice for his niece to no avail due to how powerful the politician is.

Tinn hates Chan's methods and motives, Chan thinks Tinn is naive for seeking justice in a system he knows is broken beyond repair. Despite this, they find themselves growing ever close to one another.

My thoughts: The story keeps you on the edge. Like you think you've got all the information, everything seems clear, until you start uncovering the case in further details along with Chan and Tin. You start off thinking 'yeah of course Tinn's right' and he is for wanting to seek justice for his niece, but Chan is also unfortunately right about navigating the legal system. The side characters are so distinct, I think this is the one drama that has you just as invested in the side characters as the mains. You will adore all of them, especially Chan's bff Rose and her gf Maya, and Tinn's grandma-Galaxia. The little girl, Tankhao is dead by ep 1 but she is a prominent character throughout the series and you grow so attached to her, it makes the case so much more personal and painful.

The production value is kinda...not the best, out of all the shows I'll be recommending I think it's visually the least good but you won't even notice it with the plot and the romance going on.

If you like plot-heavy crime and mystery stories with a morally dubious protagonist, this one's for you.

4. Moonlight Chicken

I'm giddy and already crying at the thought of this one

Plot: Jim(or better known as 'Uncle Jim') is the owner of a small chicken rice shop in a tourist hot spot that has faced a huge hit after COVID-19. He struggles to keep his restaurant afloat and raise his rebellious nephew, when one night, he sees a customer passed out drunk in the store. The customer- Wen- is instantly attracted to Jim and after a night out together, they have a one-night stand with Jim stating he isn't looking for romance.

But Wen's fallen hard and fast, finding a sense of comfort and safety in Jim who greets everyone with food and a smile, building a little safe place through his restaurant. Jim, who refuses to let any more people into his life finds himself falling for Wen, who is lonely and unable to move on from his past relationship.

In between this, Jim's nephew Li Ming finds love with an isolated boy named Heart whose parents keep him away from people due to him being deaf. Li Ming's isolation and hopelessness from hsi financial circumstances, and Heart's isolation due to no one around him accommodating his disability leads the two boys to learn from one another and let each other find company and community through one another.

My thoughts: Look, look I know this story sounds basic as fuck, but this series is so on the nose about the queer experience. You see the generation divide between the young queers and older queers. The loneliness is so palpable and heavy.

Jim is the oldest, he's like 40, he's raising his nephew and running a business. He grew up in an environment where being gay was shameful with zero family support so though he is out about his queerness, he's still holding onto a lot of shame that was unfortunately instilled in him. Wen is about a decade younger and he's a lot more open, but understands where Jim is coming from and slowly shows him that lowering your walls and letting people in isn't bad. Jim especially is affected very much by all the restrictions queer people face legally(his ex's parents exploiting him and taking away all his money and assets because he and the ex shared a bank account but the parents claim it was solely the ex's).

Li Ming and Heart are teenagers, Gen Z. Li Ming doesn't understand Jim's apprehensions and worries and just wants to be himself. They're both gay, you'd think Jim would be immediately accepting but Jim's past experience is making him worry. Being gay has not been great for Jim, he had to run away from home and start anew.

This is also one of the few shows that show the effects of COVID. It's ALWAYS there. Every single thing in the plot is affected by it. Wen's relationship with his ex, his loneliness, Jim's restaurant, the entirety of Jim's neighbourhood being torn down- ALL FROM COVID. You just can't escape it and this entire show IS SO RELATABLE.

ALSO, Jim and Wen's chemistry!?!?!?! I feel high looking at them, Wen looks at Jim like he's the last glass of water in a desert where he's been lost for weeks, like he wants to eat that DILF alive, like he's addicted to him. Their kisses are just, so.....[unholy screech]. THIS is CHEMISTRY. If you didn't realize, they're the same actors from A Tale of Thousand Stars(ATOTS). They have perfected the art of longing gazes. If anyone looked at me like these two look at each other, I'll melt, I'll combust, I'll dedicate my life to them. And I think Jim and Wen's actors, Earth and Mix respectively, are super hot and very very good as actors(Earth is 29. this man looks young. but the way he ACTS fully sells the life-weary 40-year-old father figure to a teenager thing). Mix has the strange ability to make honorifics sound hot as fuck. In ATOTS, Mix calls Earth 'Chief'. In Moonlight Chicken, Mix calls Earth 'Uncle'. Now you might think the latter just cannot be hot under any circumstance but hear him say it, and you will understand.

If you enjoy slice of life romances that are character driven, focusing on the queer experience, you'll love this.

5. KinnPorsche: La Forte the Series

This is actually the Thai adaptation of Goncha-[gets shot]

Plot: Porsche is a down on his luck bartender who's trying to pay off his family debts in any way he can, participating in illegal underground fights to scrounge up money. On his break from his bar tending shift, a stranger runs up to him and offers him a hefty sum of money to protect him from people chasing after him. Porsche does so but doesn't trust the stranger- Kinn- to make good on his promise so he steals his watch.

Turns out Kinn is the heir the Theerpanyakul mafia family, and tracks down Porsche to hire him as his bodyguard.

My thoughts: You've likely seen extremely beautiful gifs from this series in wondrous colors as characters fuck each other senseless. Or torture each other, It really depends. All the shows I've recommended, I think, are better appreciated by an older audience, but this one is firmly 18+ officially. There's violence, gore, torture, sexual assault, drug abuse, alcohol abuse and a million other things that I forgot because my god this series goes to some dark, dark places.

Yes the sex scenes are great we stan but despite how thirsty the fandom can seem and how the show presents, there's so much more going on in the show in terms of plot.

It's kind of a tragedy, actually, especially for Porsche. The show is his corruption arc. He does things and acts in ways that he doesn't want because he fell in love with the wrong guy. They're trying to protect their love in a world filled with mistrust. I think the story is about cycles of abuse and violence, and the attempts to escape them.

For Porsche, he's stuck in a cycle of debts and being passed off from one ruling figure to another. In the beginning of the series, the debt collectors rule his life. As a bodyguard, the mafia rules his life. He's always under someone's thumb and he's trying so hard to get out.

For Kinn, it's the mafia. He doesn't want to be the heir, he doesn't want to do any of this but he has to because that's just what his family does. Porsche is a brief glimpse at escape but unfortunately, they're both dragged in.

It's not perfect, but it's so fun to watch.

If you like mafia romances that actually show the mafia side, angst, action and mystery, and are chill with all the trigger warnings this show has, this one's for you.

#thai bl #atots #a tale of thousand stars #moonlight chicken #laws of attraction #kinnporsche #triage the series

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ajokeformur-ray · 7 months

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GOOD personal news!!!! (I am Proud™️ of myself)!!!!!

So, okay. I am slightly hesitant to share this in case it's only temporary, but @darklylucid very kindly told me to share it because it's good news and it's something to be proud of!!!❤️

TW; talks of negative anti-depressant side effects and me being irresponsible with prescribed medication, mentions of nausea and bad periods, mentions of health anxieties such as being sick as a result of medications and self-starvation (it's all because meds made me feel so sick I couldn't eat etc.), talks and discussions of stress, anxiety, depression and cognitive behavioural therapy, talks of doctors visits, one mention of covid boosters and bad side effects from that, one mention of passive suicidal ideation, this is a positive post but please read with caution if anything in this tw paragraph may upset or offend you!

I started therapy for my stress and severe anxiety five weeks ago. When I started, my anxiety and depression scores were both at 21/21. I was, essentially, a walking anxiety attack experiencing passive suicidal ideation.

Today, two weeks after uni officially started and five weeks after starting therapy, I scored 12/21 for both anixety and depression for the third week in a row, meaning both have improved to being moderate without medication!!!

(We all remember the absolute fear surrounding that fiasco and I still say medication wasn't the right treatment plan for me. I do have a prescription but I never picked it up and I won't pick it up because of how bad the physical side effects were. The nausea got so bad I was actively starving myself for seven weeks because I couldn't eat anything, while in the middle of end of year assignments and my job pulling me in for overtime constantly. My health anxiety, generalised anxiety and lifestyle couldn't sustain it. Everyone told me to "give it time", but after seven weeks of the worst periods I've ever had in my life and of constant nausea, I couldn't take it anymore so I quit my medication cold turkey without consulting my doctor. The medication was hurting me and not even working; I felt worse physically and mentally and my anxiety was still there, except I also felt like a zombie. I was offered a different medication but I never picked up the prescription for it out of fear that this would continue, since all SSRIs have the same side effects. I have told my therapist this and though she doesn't know any details beyond "I don't want to take it", she supports my decision. A week after I stopped my medication, my periods returned to normal and the nausea disappeared, my appetite came back and I felt better. I refuse to try again and have decided to focus on my therapy as the treatment plan. Medication isn't right for me and that's okay.)

I don't know if this improvement in my anxiety and depression is because of the therapy or because I now wake up at 3am to study before I go to work, which means that I study when I am fresh and well-rested, go to work, then come home and only have to relax, which means more free time. This decreases my stress, which lowers my anxiety and therefore improves my depression (my anxiety was so severe it caused the depression; they are not two separate conditions in my case), and means I can eat and sleep better and more.

The lifestyle switch and therapy both started at the same time, so I can't say for sure which has led to the improvement in my mental well-being, but I find myself not caring all that much. I am healing, I am doing well, I have had one anxiety attack in the last month, and that's... the news I wanted to share. My hair is gorgeous, I am eating and sleeping well, I am happier, healthier, I am not behind in uni, therapy is helping me... I'm not perfect, that would mean I don't exist, but I am healing and in a good place right now. I'm not sure if this is temporary, since uni has just started and I won't know until Christmas since that's when they throw us in at the deep end with the syllabus, but I still wanted to share this news.

I didn't think I could handle therapy, uni and my job at the same time, let alone looking for work experience in the mental health sector, but here I am, doing what I thought I couldn't, and dare I say it... I'm happy. I caught myself smiling while brushing my hair this morning, and apart from a few weeks ago when the covid booster gave me chest pains for a week, I can't remember the last time I had a tight chest due to stress and/or anxiety.

I can't thank you all enough for your friendships, encouragement, love, support, comments, asks... you've all helped me so so much, you do help me, and now I'm feeling better, I'm going to be looking at focusing on writing again. Especially since I'm not sure if this is temporary or not - but I feel hopeful for the future and for myself, for the first time in... a decade or so. I think I'm gonna be okay and right now, at least, I'm proud of myself.❤️

#tw; irresponsible with medication #tw; anxiety #tw; depression #tw; self-neglect #tw; not eating #tw; sickness #tw; health anxiety #tw; covid booster #tw; passive suicidal ideation

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epithetical · 4 months

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2024 UPDATE (OFFICIAL)

Hey, everyone. Longtime no talk. Despite being weirdly active on this account, I haven't really made any textposts since high school. So I've decided to fix this by giving a gigantic update post about my very busy 2023. If you're new and don't know anything about me, or knew me as a teen and are wondering what I'm up to now: buckle up.

TL;DR:

Dropped out of art school. Released an award-nominated(???) dating sim, ValiDate. Killed the Golden Girls Take Manhattan DX. Conquered Jaw Explosion Disease. Hung out with some friends. (Also, a lot of NDA shit that I can’t talk about.)

ART-SCHOOL DROPOUT

From 2021 to 2022, I was attending a prestigious and overly-expensive art school for their (brand new!) game design program. When I first graduated from high school, this college was my dream choice, and coming off the success of my early game dev career, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to polish my skills while I kept working on the side. My first commercial game was still in development, but we were feeling comfortable, and I felt like getting greedy.

Pride before the fall. Full Icarus mode. You know how it goes.

The school itself was…alright. Satellite campus, mid-pandemic, hybrid learning. Close enough to commute comfortably, classes just long enough for masks to not give me a headache, and the handful of remote courses helped keep my medical problems at bay. Problems that the school was a little unequipped to help with, though the disability office did their best. I had to drop a class because my body, at the time, couldn’t handle eight hours of classes without some Crazy Side Effects.

(Keep in mind that every class was, minimum, four hours. And I had to take at least five a semester. Each class also saw me make an entire game from scratch. My body was already at its limit.)

If you knew me in high school, you’re probably waiting for the shoe to drop: I was, famously, the worst at academics. Never did homework, rarely finished projects, slept through first period at least once a week. Surprise, though: I was fucking great at this. My GPA doubled. Turns out that going to school for a discipline you already have a career in, and are kinda obsessed with, kinda does wonders for you. Unfortunately, I picked the worst time to care about school, since my commercial game’s release was the same exact night that my five school games were due.

TL;DR, I didn’t sleep for a week, almost fucked both up, and got burnout so bad that I couldn’t do anything for a calendar year. So I dropped out! Now, about a year of job hunting later (the game’s industry is imploding right now, and the only studios that considered me were… questionable, to say the least), the expensive art school wants me back. So badly. Turns out the whole school is so broke and understaffed right now that they’re basically chomping at the bit for that tuition money. Got a week to decide. Jury’s still out.

VALIDATE POST-MORTEM

So, if you couldn’t tell from the above section, we released a game in 2022! I was supposed to write a post-mortem for it, but… burnout from the above, combined with general “post-release depression,” and I didn’t feel like touching it.

Part of me still doesn’t!

Yet I kinda think the feeling of me not wanting to talk about ValiDate is still worth discussing, so here we go:

For those of you that aren’t aware, I was a head dev on ValiDate, a dating sim that released in 2022. Volume 1 (of 3) did, anyway.

Did a lot of music, did a lot of writing, created some characters people really care about, created some characters people really want to fuck, made a couple Tweets that my boss hated, got accused of being reverse racist a few times. It was truly one of the most exciting and rewarding experiences of my life. And, yes, we’re still working on Vol. 2 behind the scenes.

That’s actually the reason why it’s kinda hard to talk about Vol. 1!

It was my first commercial game, my first publicly released game, and I think there’s always gonna be a… natural embarrassment toward your first “real” project. Combine that with my natural “if you stare at me for too long, I will kill myself” tendencies, and the game’s release was a special type of torture. It’s one thing to watch people play through a game that you poured your blood, sweat, and tears into, knowing full well that they might hate it (or just misunderstand it), but shit gets so much worse when you know that you could have done better.

It’s a very special kind of psychological torture to have creative decisions you feel were mistakes, things you half-assed because of burnout or deadlines, or things you did wrong because you just didn’t know any better! The embarrassment was overwhelming, so I just… dipped for a while. Didn’t watch gameplay or read reviews, didn’t do much of anything.

Took me a while to realize that me being embarrassed about the project isn’t because ValiDate was bad or anything. I was embarrassed because it was an incredible learning opportunity for me. The amount that I picked up on game design, community management, leadership, marketing, pitching, porting, etc. in two years is more than any school could teach you in four. Volume 1 was a game made by amateurs, still wet behind the ears, trying to build something from grassroots.

But Volume 2 is a game-ass game.

And having done all the work we have on Vol. 2 (which, while I can’t talk about it publicly, is a lot!), looking back at our first release feels like… revisiting your awkward middle school photos. Sometimes it’s hard to not feel contempt for who you were when your biggest struggle was becoming, but learning to choke down that shame? It taught me to feel grateful for the you of yesterday, who clawed their way through uncertainty so that you, today, can stand on sturdier ground. Growing up is embarrassing, and it turns out you keep doing it well into your twenties! Sucks.

For the past few days, Dani and I have been watching a Twitch streamer play through Volume 1. We’ve been so deep in planning for the future that we figured, hey, may as well revisit the past. Detached from all that embarrassment of becoming, I gotta admit: we made a fun little dating sim. People like it. Hell, I like it. Sure, I know all of its flaws and shortcuts, and I have my fair share of critiques… but fact of the matter is, if I have a problem with something, I can just fix it.

Admittedly, In the past, that attitude of mine has actually been more of a problem than a solution. “I can fix this myself!” is all fine and good when you’re a solo dev trying to throw something together, but it turns out taking on excess responsibility in a collaborative setting is a way to make shit suck for you and your team. During the Kickstarter demo era, I was literally on every team besides art. Writing, programming, music, I got my fingers in all those pies. It was fun to me, and more importantly, it was sustainable.

Until it wasn’t.

Volume 1 coinciding with my tenure at [art school], using a (finicky and, frankly, shitty) new game engine, being much larger in scope, introducing minigames (which, surprise, I was team lead on)... I pretty much killed myself trying to get it all done. Honestly, I blame half of our day-one bugfixes on me specifically. Every single one of them was an oversight made because I was pulling the classic “I’m unmedicated so crunching is the only way I can feel alive” type shit.

Except for the OST. That one sucked because art school sucks all the joy out of creating.

Happy to say that our workflow for Volume 2 has been much more sustainable for me, even if I’ve officially broken my “no art” rule for it. Yeah, turns out I’m finally making use of that animation major. Sucks.

Self reflection over. Except for one last note:

If you’ve followed ValiDate, played our demo, donated to the Kickstarter, replied to our Tweets, played our second demo, bought our game, or just talked about us to a friend… I am so, so grateful. Beyond what words could possibly describe. It’s been my dream for as long as I can remember become a game developer, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you guys. Vd8 wasn’t what I expected the cornerstone of my career to be, but honestly? I couldn’t have asked for a better one. We have Vriska in our game. How many people can possibly say that?

And to those of you still waiting for Volume 2:

You haven’t seen anything yet.

GAYMING AWARDS

Speaking of ValiDate… Did you hear we were nominated for some Gayming Awards last year? We were!

Three other head Vd8 devs (Dani: Production, Alexis: Art, Cam: Code) flew out to beautiful New York City for the award show last March, which was actually our first time actually meeting up IRL. Really funny how I’ve known Dani since I was fifteen, but here we were, a decade later, finally meeting face to face. She’s so much taller in person. I’m still taller, but barely.

Meeting up with internet friends is one thing (and more on that later!), but meeting up with internet coworkers? It’s interesting. This was the first moment that ValiDate felt “real,” seeing as it was suddenly important enough to give us comp’d flights and a hotel room, but more than that: the people I’ve been working with for years exist? We’re all hanging out together? We’re wandering through Manhattan all day? We’re eating the most disgusting food at Junior’s in Times Square? We’re trying to figure out what this mystery liquid is? How much did this food cost again? (Seriously, my onion rings were 90% dough and 10% onion.)

While I won’t bore you with the minutiae—I think my friends would prefer the privacy anyway—the entire trip to NYC was fun, exhausting, and a dream-come-true.

Except for that goddamn award show. Jesus CHRIST, what a trainwreck.

No, I’m not saying that just because we lost. We did lose, though. (Personally, I was fine with it, but I also had to travel the least distance to get there. So…) I’m saying that because the entire Gayming Awards industrial complex was, uh, kinda busted this year?

So imagine, you’re us: bunch of twenty-somethings on your Sex and the City shit. Big award show tonight, formal attire. We’re talking high heels, long dresses, full suits, the whole nine yards. Now what do you do in Manhattan? Walk. Sure, we weren’t walking in formal attire the entire time, but it was still a good five blocks to the award center where—wait, what do you mean they relocated the ceremony? The hall they rented is closed for mysterious reasons? Where the hell are we doing the award show?

If you answered “the drag bar where the afterparty was supposed to take place,” congrats, here’s $20. Way further away from our hotel, which meant more walking, and also a way smaller venue with a lot less… formality, let’s say. But we’re young gay people, we don’t care about formalities, who gives a shit! As long as it can seat all of us, then—oh there’s no seating. Ohhhh. Oh! Okay.

I’ll admit, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. There were a handful of couches, VIPs only. Realizing quickly that, oh shit, we’re VIPs, we managed to snag some front-seat couches before any of the pesky old people could. (We’re young! We deserve to sit! You’ve had your entire lives to sit, established games industry people! Let the new generation have a turn!) Unfortunately, when I got up to cash in my free-drink voucher, my seat was stolen by some white lady.

So I sat on the floor.

March 2023. You, sitting at home, have decided to tune into the Gayming Awards “live” on Twitch, curious to see what Britain’s premiere gayming magazine had to say about, uh, esports.

This is important to you.

Fortunately, this year you’re watching a decently shot and scripted award show filmed in a (noticeably claustrophobic) little bar, complete with charming presenters (many of whom are local drag queens) and a myriad of corporate sponsors. You can hardly tell that the entire show was uprooted and moved hours prior!

Yet, for some reason, whenever the cameras cut to the audience… There’s some large man, right in front of the crowd, slumped down on the floor as if he’s bleeding out. With every award given, his clapping grows weaker. The more the camera cuts to him, the more life drains from his body, as if his existence itself is anathema to “gayming.”

Imagine, for a moment, that this man is nominated for an award.

Imagine that he, after a lifetime of potassium deficiency, has been teetering on the edge of a Charlie Horse Reckoning for hours.

Imagine that the microsecond that his game’s name is called as a nominee, the Reckoning begins.

Now imagine a world where he wins that award.

A world where he is forced to stand—from his corpse’s rightful place on the ground!—in front of his peers and superiors, pretending as if he’s not afflicted with a life-ending muscle cramp.

So, yeah. I was pretty fine with losing.

Later, we ditched the “afterparty” to drink at Applebees. (Turns out “green tea shots” don’t have any green tea in ‘em?)

EULOGY FOR THE GOLDEN GIRLS TAKE MANHATTAN DX

Big announcement! I was a team lead on The Golden Girls Take Manhattan DX, a certified Tumblr Gold™ fan-project (by the immortal Grawly) about the eponymous Gold Girls in a Persona-esque parody game!

Slightly bigger announcement! The game got cancelled. Sorry.

Feels a little weird talking about this, since the year-ish I spent working on the game passed in the blink of an eye, and I’m not going to lie and say that I was an instrumental piece of the team or whatever. I was lucky enough to lead a very talented team, and to play with some very fun devtools, but the game was definitely more important to me than I was to it. (Grawly, if by some off-chance you’re reading this, please click off now. You can peek back in at the Jaw Explosion Disease subheader. I promise I’m very nice and respectful.)

I was in high school when I was first made aware of TGGTMDX. My friend group was very into Persona (in the pre-P5 days), and one of our favorite video subgenres was “videogame UI on top of sitcom scenes.” It didn’t take us long to stumble onto early-build footage of TGGTMDX on Tumblr, and what spawned was a years-long fascination. I’d even consider it one of my many… game dev awakenings? The idea that the only thing stopping me from making “American Persona”—one of my many white whales—was commitment to the bit. Just one of the many things that fueled my teenaged suicidal overconfidence.

Speaking of suicidal overconfidence, about a decade later, I was invited to work on the game! Coming fresh off ValiDate, I was desperate for a chance to make a real portfolio piece (visual novels, while popular, will never get you a job), and this sort of opportunity only presents itself once in a lifetime. Fulfilling a teenage dream while furthering your career? What could possibly go wrong!

That makes it seem like there was some explosive drama behind the scenes that ruined everything. Sorry to say that most game cancellations aren’t that exciting, and that this game’s death was by a thousand microscopic cuts. Most of which are not my place to talk about: this game wasn’t my baby, and cancelling it wasn’t my choice to make! Many people worked on this for much, much longer than I even knew how to code, and they deserve to have their feelings prioritized. Whenever that post mortem gets published, I’ll be the first to reblog it, trust me.

Instead, I’d prefer to talk a little about this as being my first real “loss” as a game dev. Certainly not my first project to go under, and I’ve had my fair share of shelved prototypes, but something about this cancellation was… different. Working on your dream project is all fun and games until you feel partially responsible for it dying, y’know? It felt Sisyphean at a point, like trying to dig a hole in the sand with a pitchfork. I would work at the game, and work at the game, but nothing I did felt like it made a dent.

Part of me knew I wasn’t giving it my all, between the school-based burnout (above), jaw explosion disease (below), and ValiDate (omnipresent), it’s not like I could’ve afforded to put more of myself into it. Besides, I was literally a team lead, half my job was telling other people what to do. But the spectre of “you’re not doing enough” was hard to shake. Even when all these other responsibilities ebbed and I could afford to give this game my all, the difference felt minimal.

We spend a lot of time pitying Sisyphus for having to push that boulder uphill over and over, but none of us ask ourselves “could we even move that big fucking rock in the first place?” Apparently, I couldn’t.

I wasn’t the only one that felt that way, it turned out. In fact, pretty much all the friends I made on the project felt the same. If there’s any “real” reason why the project got cancelled, it’s that. No big falling out, Disney didn’t give us a cease and desist, no secret rebrand going on in the background. Just a bunch of lads getting sick of pushing a boulder. Hell, Grawly’s been doing it for a decade. Let him rest.

Not too much rest, though: we’re already working on a different game together (Date Knight: check it out if you haven’t!), and some of us ex-Golden Girls devs have some ideas for what else we can cook up.

For money, this time.

JAW EXPLOSION DISEASE

Probably the biggest “development” of 2023 was my sudden horrible nerve pain in July, which started as a sinus infection on the left side of my face, and soon became a horrific jaw pain. Long after my sinus infection healed, the jaw pain remained, which is a pretty bad hand to draw when a considerable portion of your day is spent “talking,” or “eating.” So, for the back half of 2023, I didn’t do much of either.

Instead, I had to take a considerable amount of ibuprofen, visit one doctor, three dentists, two hospitals, and four oral surgeons to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. The dentists discovered an exposed nerve, caused by wisdom tooth removal complications (sick!), the oral surgeons went “okay, we can fix that,” got me all numbed up. But it turns out that my left jaw is immune to local anesthesia! Thinking this was an infection, they kept putting me on antibiotics over and over in the hopes that it’d suddenly work. Took a note from my childhood dentist explaining that, “no, he’s always been like this” to find a surgeon willing to put me all the way under. (And then, the first time they tried, I woke up in the middle anyway! I got a full refund on the copay, at least.)

Ultimately, I found a very nice surgeon in December that treated me same-day, and did it perfectly, but the damage to my liver from all that ibuprofen was… bad. But it turns out that livers just… regenerate naturally? So, give it a few months, I’ll be at 100%. Hopefully.

OOMFCON

Hilariously, six months after we met up for the Gayming Awards, Dani and Alexis found their way back to NYC for a little combination meet-up/vacation we affectionately titled “Oomfcon 2023.” This time, with bonus friends! Our entire friend server, whose name I’ve been advised not to post publicly, had rented an AirBnB for anyone willing to drop everything and go to Brooklyn.

It took about a year of planning (mostly by Alexis) to get us all out there, but Jesus Christ, it actually worked.

Admittedly I’m a bit hesitant to talk at length about “taking a vacation”—even though I’m already… from here?—but it really was the highlight of my year. First for actually happening, when most friend groups I’ve had would have written the idea off as a pipedream, but mostly for being a really good time. A lot of walking, a lot of talking, a lot of drinking, a lot of dining. (This was during Jaw Explosion Disease, so you can imagine how my body took most of that.)

To Dani, Alexis, Miles, Haven, Grim, Xtine, and Ty: thanks for coming up here! The city is a lot more boring without you guys in it. I promise to have less health issues when we do this again!

And to everyone else outside the groupchat that I met and bored with my job hunt stories: Nice meeting you guys! Sorry that fate decided every single one of you is forced to keep in touch with me. (And I didn’t even get the shitty corporate job!)

#save.#this is a lot longer than i wanted it to be; but i had a lot to say.#turns out i actually have a lot of tumblr followers. so. time to actually engage with them.

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revscarecrow · 7 months

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(I'm sorry this got so long. you don't have to post it if you don't want to) late to the party but I did want to say that while I don't know what the perfect answer is, I also don't like it when trans kids are written off as being dumb (or kids in general). Even at a pretty young age its not impossible to understand complex ideas, even if you can't explain them in the most clear way. As early as 5 my mom noticed I would talk about my gender in certain ways, saying I'd wish i was a boy and other things along those lines. For a while she chalked it up to me possibly being a tom-boy but after I started to transition it really clicked with her that I knew I was trans from a really young age. I'm not sure she would have gotten me onto HRT if she knew I was trans sooner, but I feel like if we were more open to trans healthcare for kids we can at least get that conversation started sooner, yknow? Sure at certain ages kids can't understand EVERYTHING but that's why we teach kids things. As a trans kid it kind of felt like I had to find all of the information myself which kind of sucked. Not all the information i was able to find was good information. Around that time non-binary was a known thing but not as wide spread and accepted as it is now, so the idea of sitting outside of certain molds was super new for trans and non-trans people alike. So a lot of the information being spread even within trans circles was a bit weird. Like,the idea of a masc person not wanting top surgery or being fine not binding was seen as a bad thing at the time and it would confuse trans and cis people. It made trying to figure out if i'm trans or not hard because on one side i knew for a fact i wanted to be masc presenting, and on the other hand a large portion of internet randos are saying that some of the ways I felt made me "not trans enough". As a young teen I knew what gender was, what gender dysphoria was, and it would have been great for someone that knew MORE than I did to explain the right information to me. I wasn't dumb, I just didn't know better. And I think the same can be said for a lot of trans kids and parents of trans kids that want to learn more about hormones, and being trans in general. Withholding that information from parents and kids did do harm and still does harm. I do understand the worry with regret. Hormones do in fact have some life changing effects. But at the same time I feel like we can do a LOT better in terms of giving trans kids resources. I don't know enough to know if changing the age when hormones can start is a good or bad idea, but treating kids as kids that are able living people helps a lot. At the very least kids deserve to be informed. Something kid-me WOULD have loved a lot was getting to sit with a doctor that knew a lot about being trans and have them offer me things I could do even before hormones. Play around with pronouns, names, think about how I want to express myself, maybe doctors would have known about non-binary genders at the time too, i'm not sure. And maybe they could have information I could sit and think about, like giving me sheets about the good and bad changes of HRT, and even how to deal with transphobia and gender dysphoria while those problems exist. but yeah- i know this isn't strictly related to hormones but this is my two cents. the TLDR is that trans kids aren't quite as ignorant about gender as people think they are, its just hard to put those feelings into direct words sometimes. If a 13 year old can learn multiple subjects a day at school, teaching them about gender expression and medical options for gender dysphoria isn't that hard.

Posting because it's good info and an important perspective.

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skippyv20 · 9 months

Text

Hi Skippy! I was thinking this morning about how blessed this entire community is to have you as our fearless leader. I’ve followed you for years, and have often sought your advice and counsel on many very personal issues. You never fail to come through with wisdom, empathy, and kindness. So thank you for being you and shining some much-needed light onto this world.

I wanted to give you a long-overdue update. I am the attorney anon who wrote last year about mental health, job, and family struggles, including a challenging marriage, a child with special needs, and a new diagnosis of bipolar disorder after suffering 30 years with wrong diagnoses and medication.

First the good news: my moods have stabalized on a new cocktail of meds, and I haven't had a severe depressive episode for almost a year! My mania is better too, but I do have some uncomfortable side effects. I am on lithium, and I worry about kidney issues and/or developing diabetes, which are two possible side effects.

Second bit of good news - I'm now working back at my old organization. If you told me that this time last year, I'd never have believed you. I was convinced my days as an atty were over because of my mental health issues. I considered filing for disability. The role is one I haven't held in 8 years, I had moved onto a prestigious position in that org before jumping ship to another org for a promotion. So it's a bit humbling to be back in this role, but I'm grateful to be here. I was stuck in a nightmare at my last job, which included at the end fighting disability discrimination.

Bad news: I still worry about my son, who is now 7, and doesn't seem to be where he needs to be. I've done everything for him, 4-5 different therapies a week since his premature birth. He has a physical disability and, while he is very smart and can keep up with his class, he just seems different than other boys his age.

My husband is incapable of providing emotional support, and I do think sometimes I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I am not happy, he is not happy, but I'm so afraid to cut the cord. My brother is going through a divorce and I know if I do too it'll cause my elderly parents even more distress. But this is a guy who - get this - snapped at waiters who came to the table carrying (free) cake to sing happy birthday a few weeks ago. It was crazy and scary, and i just don't want to deal with a person like this anymore. I'm 42 now, not in my mid-30s like when you told me to be strong and leave him years ago...is it too late? I see signs of aging when I look in the mirror and I've gained some weight. I'm worried I've lost all of my appeal and don't want to be alone. My husband is very responsible and does do a lot of things around the house and for our son. If he didn't, it'd be a no brainer to divorce, but maybe it's worth salvaging for the help with things I can't always get to because of my issues? Not to mention our son would be crushed.

Hi! So nice to hear from you. Thank you for such kind words, but I must say…I am NOT a leader. I am just here struggling along with everyone else. We get through one day at a time, together! Nice to know some things have changed. That is so wonderful your meds are working so well. Don’t spend time worrying about the side effects. If you focus on those you are robbing yourself of joy. If you just keep going for your scheduled appts with your doctor, he will be watching for you.

I understand what you mean about being in one job and going back to another. I was working as a secretary in the government. I was chosen to create a new intake position, that was non existent. It was a six month term. At the end of the six months, I was back as a secretary being supervised again, by the same woman I had been supervising for six months. Everyone thought it was so strange. I didn’t though. I look at things differently I guess. A job is a job, and whatever it is, as long as you know you are doing the best you can….it doesn’t matter what the job is. You just take it one day at a time. After all, a job is not your whole life…right?

Children are strange little things. They do things at their own rate. He sounds like he is doing very well, he is keeping up! Great job! Seems different than other boys? That is ok…your child is who he is….it’s not a contest. Different is ok. My daughter was different as a child, an old soul. She is different now as she is bipolar. There are quirks….makes life interesting…..embrace him, just as he is….

I will always advise anyone who is being emotionally or physically abused to leave. You say you aren’t happy, and he isn’t happy? Perhaps a marriage counsellor? People get too comfy in their lives, and don’t want to change things. No one likes the unknown future. You mention your parents, and your son being distressed? Timing is always a problem…when is the best time? You say your husband is a great help…see to me…there must still be something there, I couldn’t find one good reason to stay with my ex, and believe me…he did all the cooking, he cleaned like no other, he did everything….that was one of the biggest problems for me…I couldn’t do anything, he told me that all the time.

Bipolar people can see things differently. They can hear things said one way only….it will be negative. It takes time, love and patience to communicate with someone who is bipolar. People don’t understand that unless you tell them. I have had to learn to speak to my daughter differently. Maybe you need to explain that to your husband. If you want to save this marriage, it will take work on both sides. Communication is everything. I know some think being bipolar one just needs meds….no…not true. It’s much more involved than that.

Anyways, I am so proud of you! You sound so much better. I really, really appreciate you dropping by, so nice to hear from you. You are in my prayers. I send love and hugs….and…thank YOU for staying with me!🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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tallymali · 9 months

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Don’t know if anon or messages is the better place to ask this. I have friend that’s had uti for 2 months and you came to mind. Would you mind telling your Dr/clinic and the new and previous meds you’re taking? Did both meds work & the new is just cheaper or does new work better also? Thank You Tally!

Oh my god, I'm so glad you've sent me this because I wish more than anything that I'd known about this illness so early on in experiencing it. I have soooo much to say about this so you're absolutely welcome to DM me and relay any questions your friend has.

Okay first off I definitely recommend your friend joins the facebook support group: www.facebook.com/groups/ChronicUTISupportGroup/

Even if they dont use facebook, they should totally just make an account to join. I didn't use it either so I just made a blank profile with a fake name. As long as you answer the questions they send, the mods should let you in with no problem. I said something like "apologies for the blank account, I don't use social media but I was told this is the best place for support" and I was accepted super fast.

So, the clinic I go to is the Harley Street chronic UTI clinic. They don't have their own website but all their info is here: www.chronicutiinfo.com/treatment/conventional-medicine/uk-treatment/prof-malone-lee/

(That website is also an incredible source of info on chronic UTIs)

You have to go there in person for the initial appointment, which costs £250. First thing they do is take your pee and analyse it under a microscope to get a count for white blood cells and epithelial cells. Then you go to the doctor's office (there's a team of doctors that all follow the same protocol) and they discuss your symptoms, any previous medications you've tried, and any other health issues you have. They will almost always prescribe Hiprex and a long term high dose antibiotic. Hiprex is a urinary antiseptic, and it essentially reacts with the acid in your urine to create formaldehyde. Most of us take high dose vitamin C pills with the Hiprex to keep our urine as acidic as possible (high bacteria in the bladder can raise urine pH so we often need help in that department).

At this point they will give you the prescriptions and say you can take them to your NHS GP and see if they're willing to fill them on the NHS. My GP didn't want to get involved with prescribing long term antibiotics, but was happy to fill the Hiprex prescription. I now get my antibiotics from Pharmacierge. Their prices are cheaper than regular pharmacies and they work closely with the Harley Street team. My doctor now just sends my prescriptions straight over to them which cuts out a little admin for me.

After that initial appointment you have to have a follow up appointment every 3 months, which can be done in person or over teams. Either way, they cost £200. If you go in person they will do the pee analysis again, but it's not super necessary to do that to monitor your progress. Patient symptoms are the number one thing they use to decide your treatment. Basically as long as you're in pain, they will keep treating you (the NHS would NEVER). Not a huge amount happens at these check ups, but being on long term antibiotics is risky so they will ask you a million questions about any possible side effects, and switch your meds immediately if you're not tolerating them well. They also ask that you contact your GP and request a blood test 3 times a year to monitor your kidney and liver function. They might also ask for other tests depending on your symptoms and the specific antibiotics you're prescribed.

So yeah, the treatment kind of just boils down to: find the right meds. Take them until you feel completely normal again.

As for the specific meds, here's a list of their most prescribed antibiotics:

Cefalexin

Amoxicillin

Co-amoxiclav

Nitrofurantoin

Trimethoprim

Doxycycline

Oxytetracycline

Azithromycin

Clarithromycin

Pivmecillinam

Lymecycline

For me, before starting treatment under Harley Street, I'd been treated by the Urology Partnership. They prescribed me 3 months of full dose Nitrofurantoin (brand name Macrobid, super common UTI treatment) and I was almost symptomless during that 3 months, but when I finished the course the symptoms returned instantly at full throttle. From that point they would only prescribe me the half dose of Nitrofurantoin which was NOT cutting it. That was when I decided to move to Harley Street. Definitely would not recommend Urology Partnership to people dealing with a chronic UTI.

SO. I emailed the Harley Street clinic with an appointment request and they booked me in for the next week. At my appointment the doctor prescibed Trimethoprim, which is usually the first one they try with new patients. I took it for a little while, (around 2 weeks to a month, I don't remember exactly) but I was still getting symptoms that weren't letting up, so I emailed their clinical enquiries address to let them know. I'd mentioned at my inital appointment that Nitrofurantoin had worked in the past, so they took me off the Trimethoprim and prescribed the Nitro instead, with the note that I'd have to discuss it at my next appointment.

Basically, Nitro is a really good antibiotic but has some of the nastiest side effects and is also the most expensive. So at my follow up appointment my doctor said he was happy for me to stay on it to get my symptoms back under control but he'd like to switch to a less risky antibiotic in time.

So a few months later (June this year) I was switched to Cefalexin, which has some of the least side effects and is one of the cheapest. I've been doing really well on it and I'm really feeling optimistic.

This is all to say that treatment is easy in theory but requires a little trial and error to find the right meds, and then takes a metric fucktonne of patience. There's no set length of time for the treatment, but in general, the longer you've had the cUTI the longer it takes to cure. So if your friend does have cUTI and can get treatment quickly, it shouldn't take too long to cure.

I had mine for two years before starting with Harley Street, which is actually much shorter than the average patient. They frequently treat older patients who have been suffering for over 20 years. I've read a depressing number of posts in the facebook group from people in their 50s+ who have been able to live normally for the first time in their adult life thanks to this treatment.

Knowledge of this condition with the general public AND with doctors (even urologists?????) is basically nonexistent. The NHS and most healthcare systems will slap you with a wastebasket diagnosis (PBS/BPS/IC) and tell you to piss off and live in pain forever. I genuinely don't think I will ever be able to trust a doctor right off the bat to actually prioritise my health ever again in my life. The NHS is full of people who really do care and really do everything they can for their patients but as an institution it does not give one iota of a fuck about the wellbeing of the people it's supposed to care about. It's a big complicated systemic issue but there will never be a good excuse for turning away patients who need medical care to live normally.

If your friend or literally anyone reading this is interested in the more academic/scientific side of this whole thing, I'd definitely read Cystitis Unmasked by Professor Malone Lee. It's written for doctors so it's not an easy read for a layperson but GOD it's so eye opening and infuriating. Professor Malone Lee is the guy who created the Harley Street UTI clinic and I think he spent his entire life raging at all the pillars of incompetance that modern UTI testing and treatment is built upon.

#sorry for rambling #i am on a one woman rampage to spread awareness about this bastard condition and the incompetence of the healthcare system #if anything i say could even possibly save another person from years of this hell and all the medical gaslighting #then i will talk until i DIE #asky ask

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zoeykallus · 2 years

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Hi, can you please write about fem reader x inexperienced Crosshair? He never had sex with a woman before and has developed feelings for the fem reader who joined the Bad batch some time ago (maybe not as medic but as fighter too like a mandalorian supporting the republic). Thank you :)

oooooh, okay I see something.... yeah inexperienced Crosshair x experienced reader? Oh my, yes indeed I'm gonna do that. And I love that touch with the fighter/Mando.... Thank you for the input!

Inexperienced Crosshair x Experienced Fem!Reader - Thanks For The Lesson

Warning: SMUT 18 +

Oral giving/ Cumshot / Nudity / FiV /Oral Receiving / PiV / Flustered Crosshair / Inexperienced Crosshair /Soft Crosshair /Needy Crosshair/ A little heads up at the end, it's a tiny bit ouchy /Hurt

Following Parts:

2 - The Truth

-----

This went out of control, took me ages -------

"Impressive."

A simple word and it sounds rather condescending coming from Crosshair's mouth, but by now you know the Sniper well enough to know that you had indeed impressed him, even if he tries to hide it. There was a flicker in his eyes a twitch in the corners of his mouth that almost became a smile. But only almost.

"I know," you say in the same tone, taking off the beskar helmet of your armor.

He blinks, he often does when you take off your helmet, you've noticed that before. A bit as if under your helmet there was not your face but a sun that blinded him. But Crosshair quickly regained his composure.

"For a Mando," he added, grumbling.

He looked at you from the side, his eyes as always slightly critical as he pointed at your armor.

With a snort, he claimed, "With Beskar on your body, pretty much anyone can walk right into the middle of the enemy's ranks."

He tried to fool you into thinking he was unimpressed that you had just run through the ranks of droids, deftly mowing down one by one, every blaster shot and vibro-sword strike an effective hit.

You knew Crosshair was more than a little impressive in what he could do, but he envied your Beskat armor. Beskar hardly exists anymore, most of it is now lost, in museums or in family possession, old Mandalorian families, like yours. He is descended from a true Mandalorian, as are all his brothers, but Crosshair, just like all the other clones, had no right to a Mandalorian heritage.

"Is that so?" you ask quietly.

He snorts, puts a new toothpick in his mouth, and looks over the field of destruction you left behind.

"You're not exactly subtle."

You rolled your eyes.

"Stop it, I know you got a boner watching me in action, you liked how not subtle I was" you sneer, nudging him with your shoulder.

He looks down at you almost indignantly at the touch.

For a moment his look seems shocked downright horrified and if everything didn't deceive you a blush crept up his face, he hastily turns away and leaves, growling, "Yea, you wish."

On impulse you ask him suggestively "What if I do?"

Crosshair stops, you see his shoulders tense for a moment. He seems to hold his breath, but then he inhales deeply. It takes a moment but finally he slowly turns and looks at you. The toothpick moves ever so slightly as he chews on the end in his mouth. He seems to be thinking, pondering, but you're not sure what exactly about.

His eyes roam over the mangled, destroyed droids and he says dryly, "Might not be the right place"

"Why not?"

"There might be more around," he reasoned.

You tucked your helmet under your arm and tilted your head to the side.

"Okay, that's a plausible objection," you finally conceded.

He nodded, a small smile on his lips. You see his confidence return, but then you fluster him.

"Then let's go back to the shuttle".

There were only two of you on the way, Hunter and the others didn't expect you back until tomorrow. Theoretically, you had more than enough time.

He blinks again, but pulls himself together.

"You sure you wann go down that road with me?"

It sounds like he's trying to intimidate you a little, give the impression that he was similar in bed as he was on the battlefield. But you were Mandalorian, he couldn't upset you that easily, men like him weren't new to you, even in bed.

A small smirk twitches at the corners of your mouth and you feel that even this small gesture makes him a little unsettled, but he stubbornly keeps his posture and facial expressions in check.

"Why? Are you scared?"

Crosshair tightens, pulls back his shoulders and spits the toothpick into the dirt at his feet.

"Of you? Are you trying to insult me?"

You smile and say cheerfully, unimpressed, "No. I was just asking you a question"

"Of course not," he growls grabbing your hand and starts pulling you along with him.

"Oh, I like determined men" you say delightedly.

At your words he only emits a growl.

Maker he is crazy about you, from day one, but you have no idea. He couldn't get enough of that sparkle in your eyes, of your determination, he has respect for you, as a soldier and as a human being. You are a strong personality, sure he had seen you vulnerable too, for example when the lives of others were threatened, but even that had magically attracted him.

You are gorgeous, absolutely everything about you is exciting, interesting, thrilling and sexy. He can't get enough of you and he's happy like an idiot about every mission he was allowed to do with you alone, which of course he doesn't show and probably would never admit.

The conversation you just had, where it took you, where he just pulled you and what would probably happen there was very surreal. His heart is beating way too wildly, no battlefield had ever thrown his pulse so out of whack.

He can feel your wrist under his hand, his long strong fingers and your Beskar studded glove.

What was he doing there, anyway? Had never been intimate with a woman before and you were obviously already quite experienced, at least he guessed so, you are beautiful, brave and lively. What could he possibly have to offer you! Could he even hold out nearly long enough to satisfy you. A hint of panic rises in him.

Arriving at the shuttle, he opens the ramp and lets you go first, his heart racing but he acts as if he is calm himself.

As soon as you are inside and the ramp closes behind you, you start to undress, with your back to him. One piece of beskar after the other slides to the floor, shortly followed by the flightsuit you are wearing underneath.

He can' t help but stare at you, watching you do it. When you finally turn around, his gaze travels over your body and he just stands there rooted to the spot. You are even more beautiful, even hotter than he had imagined in his wildest dreams. His eyes follow every curve of your body.

He stares at you in surprise and also a bit confused as you get down on your knees in front of him and remove his cod piece. As your hand strokes the swelling under his blacks, a shiver runs through him and he lets out a stuttering breath.

You bite your lower lip. His hard length is thick, long, feeling fantastic through the fabric of his Blacks as you feel it.

"What a shame to hide this beauty," you coo, pulling his Blacks down a bit to free his erection.

His cock pops out from behind the fabric, standing erect, swollen to full size, a gentle curve in its shape leaning toward his body. The velvety tip is already wet, a trickle of precum running down it. Your tongue darts out and licks it up. He flinches and his hands dart left and right each to the upper bunks, clinging to them as if he needs support.

"You okay?"

He frowns and says grumpily, "Of course, go ahead."

His thighs are already trembling as your tongue slides along his length, just before your lips close around his cock and you start bobbing up and down,

The feeling is so intense, he feels a tingle tighten in his stomach and his balls tighten. Your mouth feels so fantastic as the wet warmth closes around him and massages his cock. His hands cling so tightly to the bunks that it already hurts. He looks down and is lost, the sight of your lips around his hard cock as you look up at him behind a flutter of eyelashes. Then you give a low, dirty moan as well and he feels the vibration on his cock abundantly clear.

"Stop, wait! You have to stop!" he presses out breathlessly.

Your gaze is confused and at the same moment as you release him from your mouth, he feels that it's too late. He comes, his semen splashing right into your face and hair.

Crosshair moans, he feels as if his legs are about to buckle, but he catches himself again when the climax is over. Absolute panic rises in him. Horrified he looks at you, how his cum has smeared your face and some of it is hanging in your hair. His cock softens in your hand and you let it go.

That wasn't even three minutes, he thinks embarrassed. One curse follows another in his head.

"Sorry, I tried to warn you," he says a little meekly.

You blink and take some wet wipes from the compartment by your bunk and start to clean yourself up.

Amused, you say, "My, someone was touch starved."

Crosshair laughs nervously and says, "Well, yeah, you know how it is, hardly any time between missions sometimes, last time was a while ago"

You sigh but smile.

"Too bad."

He feels shabby, he can't just let this go after all.

"Hey, why don't you let me please you in some other way?"

With a gentle smirk, you look up at him.

"Why don't you admit that you've never had sex. There's nothing wrong with that. Especially considering you're much younger than you look."

His face turns red. He hastily pulls up his blacks as he realizes he's still standing in front of you with his pants down.

For a moment he wants to lie, but he finally sighs and says, "Okay, I didn't want to embarrass myself" after a pause he finally adds meekly, "But I would really, really like to make love to you."

You step closer to him.

"Why?" you ask him curiously.

Crosshair blinks, then says, "I like being with you, I mean on missions, and I've been wondering for a while now what it would feel like if the two of us merged"

Again, a smirk creeps onto your lips.

"Okay," you finally say, and his eyes grow wide.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'll show you a few tricks on how to spoil the ladies even before you have sex, that way you can build up a buffer"

Crosshair nods.

„Show me“ You reach for his hand, his right hand, and bring it up over your belly to your breasts. He stares at you from wide eyes as you place his long fingers over your boob and then reach for his second hand to place it over your other.

„I knew they'd be soft but, it still feels different than I thought“, he speaks under his breath.

You guid him to a bunnk and kneel over his lap, guiding his fingers, and say in a calm, gentle voice, “Move your fingers a little, don’t stiffen, yes that's it, good boy”

He shivers at your words.

Crosshair can't believe what's happening, feeling his Blacks pants already stretching over his hard length again. His long fingers move along the soft skin of your breasts, he reaches out, gently, testing. You let him. Your buds stand up, stretching towards him, and he gently caresses them, massaging them softly between his fingertips, so nimble and soft.

With a smirk you looks up into your face for a moment. seeing you closing your eyes with pleasure. „Guess I'm doing good for you so far?“, he wants to know.

You nod and say with a sweet sigh: „Yes Cross, keep going Babe“ “Can I touch you with my mouth?” he asks.

Your eyelids slowly open, you look at him with a smile, catching a gilmpse of his usualy serious mouth, you can't wait to feel these lips on your skin.

“Yes, please, go ahead.”

His hands move to your sides and up your back as his mouth moves to one of your nipples. His tongue slides over it, circling around it while his lips nestle against the soft flesh of your breasts. A tiny shockwave ripples through you, it feels so fine.

He is indeed a natural, you can#t deny that. Your clit is already craving attention, pulsing and swelling, with a demanding tingle.

Your fingers run through his gray hair, your nails gently scrape his skull, and he moanes softly against your chest, shivering.That simple touch tingles under his skin and sets his nerve endings on fire.

After a little while, he let go of your breasts, leaning back to look up at you and says. “What else can I do for you, my little Mando?”.

His voice is husky and demanding, he is eager to feel, see and learn more.

You release yourself from his grip, climbing onto the bed, gathering a few pillows to finally lean back on them. You open your thighs and beckon him towards you with one finger.

Crosshair swallows, this is it, this was real he realizes you can see it clearly, his gaze falls on your open thighs and the velvety bloom of your pubic that now lays uncovered before him. He crawles between your thighs, his broad shoulders resting between them like a spreader.

„Looks so pretty“, he muses „Different than I thought, but very pretty“

You chuckle: „So you like the view so far?“

He smriks at you: „Very much so, look at me I'm all hard again already“ and shows you the bulge in his blacks.

His fingers slide over the inside of your thighs and he says: „But that can wait, I want to see and learn more first so next time I can instanly knock you off you sweet feet“

When his fingers reach your sex, he looks up at you a little uncertainly for a second.

„But right now I would appriciate a little guidance“

You let your fingers slide down your body until they slide over his and you guide him to your wet folds. You show him where your pearl is and explain how sensitive it is.

„That's my clitoris, it's massaging and caressing it, is probably the easiest way to get me going“

Crosshair touches it very carefully, curiously feeling every area you explained to him.

His fingertips glide over the sensitive little nub and makes you sigh.

„How is that? Feels good?“

You nod and let him play with it for a while. Crosshair is so gentle and eager to please you, certainly something you weren't expecting.

When you finally guid one of his fingers to your entrance and let it slowly penetrate you, he watches with widening eyes as his finger advances into your body. He fels the moist, warm tightness of your pussy and swallowes.

„That were we are going to melt together, right here“, he mumbles softly pumping his finger inside you.

„Hnngh, that's right“, you moan.

Crosshair smirks, he is very happy to see you react like this to his touch.

Suddenly you feel his hot breath on your pussy. You look down and see his face came much closer

„Theoretically kissing you down there should be feeling good to, right?“

You nod with a smile and say, “Try it,”

A hoarse moan slips through your lips as his tongue drives onto your pearl, right on that sensitive nub. It takes him a moment to find the rhythm and pressure point, but very soon he is applying steady, circular pressure and you feel the intensity building in your pussy.

„Fuck, Crosshair, that's really good“

He humms content with himself.

On his own, he inserted a second finger into your entrance, moving his fingers inside you while his tongue and lips eagerly work your clit. Your fingers run into his hair again and his moans vibrate through your pussy.

„hnnngh... Cross, you gonna make me cum like this“

He growles in satisfaction and increases his efforts, applying more pressure. His free hand reaching for one of your buns and frimly grip it.

“Then cum for me, beauty,” he growles into your pussy „Come for Crosshair“

You moan and sigh in relish, as the intensity spirales higher and higher.

Your thighs quiver around his head, your whole abdomen trembles and you could swear that he is grinning contentedly into your folds as he workes you.

“Yes… now ..ooooh,” His tongue is so fast, so nimble, your arousal shoots through you, making you shiver and curl your toes.

When he lets go of you, Crosshair sits up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. You can see the bulge in his pants. He pulled his top off over his head and finally slipped out of his pants as well before kneeling between your legs again. His body is lean but steeled. hard muscles standing out under tanned skin.

“Was that good enough?” he wants to know critically and a tiny bit insecure.

With a satisfied smile you say, “It was very good, especially for a beginner.”

Your gaze at his hard lenght, so pretty.

You opened a little drawer on your bunk and take out a condom, peeling it from its wrapper. Crosshair watches you do it intently.

„Just to be safe“, you say with a smirk, “Protection, for both of us, you get to cum inside me with that too,”

He smirks too, the thought of cuming inside you is very tempting. He watches you role it over his cock and twitches a little. A bit emberrassed he says: „Sorry, not used to this yet“

"Don't worry" you assure him "It's not a problem at all, sex doesn't have to go perfectly and according to plan to be good, the trick is to adapt and not be ashamed of every little thing"

Crosshair nods slowly.

"Okay, I'll keep that in mind"

You help him lining up at your entrance, as he nervously liks his lips.

"Ready?" you ask him gently.

He nods and slowly applies pressure, watching his cock sink into your pussy and moans. The sight was fantastic. Completely absorbed in you, he finally holds still, his fingers deftly sliding to your clit and beginning to stroke and massage it again, but he doesn't move inside you.

"What if I caress you this way and only move just before you cum? Could that work?"

You smile.

"Cockwarming, it's worth a try".

"Cockwarming?"

"When the man penetrates the pussy but doesn't move inside it, it's called cockwarming".

Crosshair nods in understanding. He intensifies his finger play and looks fascinated at your face, each moan, each sigh like a warm shiver in his nerve endings.

"Such a pretty girl" he praises you "Look at you, prettiest fuckin' mando out there".

His words tickle under your skin, intensifying the feel of his fingers on your clit. Your thighs start to tremble and he grins to himself.

"Pretty girl, looks so hot when she cums" he continues to coo.

A moan, a tremble. Crosshair grins even wider as he realizes that his words also have an effect on you, not just his fingers.

"Taking my huge cock so well, what a sweet, juicy pussy you got there".

"Hnnnngh… Cross…"

"Hiding all this glory under beskar, what a shame, you need to show off those titts of yours"

"Crosshair… C-Close…"

Finally he moves inside you and the feeling is intensely overwhelming. Your walls tighten around his cock as you reel towards climax and he moans, deep from his chest.

"Fuck, this feels amazing!" he presses out, moving faster.

"So close… so close," you murmur feverishly.

At the same moment as your cleft twitches violently around his cock, he pours into you, with a harsh moan and a curse coming crudely from his lips.

You look at each other and both start laughing. The tension is gone, it worked.

"That was fucking great," you admit "A natural."

He shows you his hottest smirk before leaning over you and kissing your forehead quite unexpectedly, a tender, affectionate gesture you didn't anticipate. When he sits up and sees your surprised expression, he hastily leaves your body, starts to clean himself up and throws you a towel.

He had let himself go, shown emotion, this was just fun, no commitment. He feels a very sickening pain in his chest, a very strange feeling as he gets dressed and finally puts a toothpick in his mouth. He swallows. Relationships were not allowed anyway. What did it matter that his affection apparently made you uncomfortable, at least considering your surprised expression.

He didn't dare look over his shoulder again as he dryly says, "Thanks for the lesson, it was fun" and disappears into the cockpit.

His heart thumps wildly and painfully in his chest, almost as if it were protesting.

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

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