#anyway that doesnt matter because i do what i want

[oceanwithouthermoon]

ive never liked powerless saiki aus because the entire conclusion of the series is him accepting his powers as being a part of him that he cant change so like.. in aus where the power remover works, half of his development is erased..

if he had been "powerless" for longer, we wouldve gotten to see him realize this himself and im genuinely sad that we didnt.. we got to see him realize that being powerless wasnt the change he wished it would be and that its something he cant change, but its literally over a two day long period and we miss out on sooo much potential development..

and then in aus where hes born powerless, people think he would have the exact personality and development that he THOUGHT he would if he got rid of/didnt have his powers, like NO ? "without powers he would be another satou-" NO he would be a shy, borderline flamboyant, weird, awkward, genius LOSER.

he would have a more normal relationship with his brother (still probably competitive but in a way more average sibling way and kusuke wouldnt have had the motivation to become so murderous) and he would probably be even more friendless but with less trauma.. he may or may not have ever befriended akechi at all, and the classroom incident wouldnt have happened.. even some of his current friends might not be around if not for coincidences due to his powers or direct involvement from his powers.. (nendo and kaido would for sure still be there though, but this only ensures the idea that he would be the biggest fcking loser ever)

he would still be saiki, but. his powers are a key part of him. he would be totally different without them, but NOT in the way he thinks he would..

#also realistically he would be just as much of a stubborn asshole tsundere without his powers cmon #like yea his anxiety might present itself more as shyness than it does in canon him #but hes still an awkward stubborn asshole tsundere like thats just who the guy is #hes extra shy and maybe extra cute without his abilities to make people not find him cute #and is also like extremely ditzy and clumsy like he is in canon but its more visible to people because he doesnt have the powers to hide it #idk the point is his little quirks he thinks he wouldnt have would still be there but he wouldnt have the same faux justifications for them #need canon saiki to see an alternate universe him where he was born powerless #and hes like 'wow im going to see my ideal average me!' #and then au him is some super quirky ditzy clumsy kid with severe anxiety and also dysphoria #and he doesnt have powers to avoid being bullied like we see him do multiple times #this guy doesnt realize he will always be a loser no matter what #he loses key parts of himself and doesnt even realize that a lot of the parts left behind are still parts of himself that he hates #i know a lot of people think he would be much less jaded powerless which i get but #a lot of aspects of his personality that have less to do with his powers are a lot of the parts that he doesnt like and gets made fun of fo #so he would probably only be slightly less jaded and his awkwardness would just weigh it out a little more #though its hard to pinpoint exactly which aspects of him are only due to his powers #a lot of them are but i personally think those specific key personality traits would remain #anyway i would love to see what his relationship with his family would be like if he was born powerless #and i want to know who his friends would be #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k. #saiki kusuo #meows post

[tianshiisdead]

im happy my post is garnering discussion but honestly i wasnt around for 2018-2021 fandom on tumblr and i was mainly talking about how its kind of silly to get mad at people for portraying colonizer countries as mean, or calling it demonization and stuff. like its okay not to like personally portraying ur fav characters as mean or part of the state, but getting irritated at the fact that it exists or is popular imo kind of misses the fact that this… is the state and nation personification fandom. and its hard to say its not canon when canon did once portray the characters in uniform and at times involved in their state activities… like the early strips discussing western imperialism in china is literally ‘china being bullied by the allies’ ‘france wanting to grope china’ ‘china being treated like a maid’ etc etc like they were very much. the state LOL also china and japan’s canon relationship, as much as I have my issues with it, has an entire thing about china being stabbed by japan… i do feel like hetalia started out as a history nerd’s history exploration that blended humour with ‘what i find cute’ with satire etc etc, which inevitably involves illustrating the personifications as vessels of state and culture, and although the modern strips have deviated quite a bit… well, different people will approach this series for different reasons, right? Whether its serious or comedic content showing the characters as mean or imperialist or unpleasant, it’s not something that deviates too far from canon (if we take all canon eras into consideration) nor is it surprising given how history laden the topic is.

#diary #hetalia #hater tag #also have some issues with some things being called drama… #like i know some of u think of me and some others as drama stirring little devils #honestly i dont enjoy drama that much but ill become upset when i see things that i see as racist or insensitive… #because im of the opinion that this fandom requires extra sensitivity given the subject matter. #let people have fun #but #also be careful yk? i guess for me personally im always trying to be careful #when im out of my depth i try to talk to ppl with better understanding while doing my own research #and if ive written or expressed antyhing bad (which i certainly have even on this blog many times before) #i try to change my stances with new info… and like #this is important to me and its important for me to read ppls thoughts bc. #i know what its like to be treated racistly and dismissed. or to have things and history precious to me twisted #but anyways rambling aside… i guess what i want to say is i understand it seems annoying but #if you post something insensitive… and someone gets upset… then thats just how it is. hetalia is sensitive #again ive definitely posted bad insensitive things. ive been told im acting out of line. #and it sucks. but… sometimes you have to understand ur own irritation doesnt outweigh the hurt #and listen a little #sometimes i like things that i then find are insensitive or cruel. and id rather not engage with it than dismiss peoples hurt… or something #honestly i keep most of my whining private i promise JLKFHDJGLKFH BC FOR THE MOST PART I THINK I CAN TELL THE DIFF BETWEEN #when i have a real issue and when im just nitpicking #so i keep my more petty whining or basic stuff private #but if i see something egregious then i dont want to be quiet #and if a friend of mine (esp if theyre a kid) is upset or hurt by racism I dont want to be quiet

[trans-estinien]

people really love to conveniently forget trans men exist when they talk about feminism. or if they dont they make us out as also part of the problem as if we somehow are able to have the same amount of privilege as cis men. absolutely wild

#“not all men” is a valid statement because its fucking true #like guys. seriously. not every single man is evil #feminism isnt about putting men down its about raising women up to be equal and getting rid of gender inequality #sorry im seeing a massive uptick in people hating on trans men for being men lately and its fucking stupid #like yall are doing a great job at making me feel ashamed to be a man who likes men. awesome thanks guys #i dont normally make posts like this but its been rattling around in my mind for a few days now #its always put out like. all men (trans or not) are Inherently Evil and all women (trans or not) are Inherently Victims #which is absolutely the stupidest shit ive ever seen #and they also leave out anyone who doesnt fit into the man/woman dichotomy. and if they dont its always seen as woman lite #which is also stupid as fuck #not every nb/agender/other person is feminine asshole #anways. case in point. can we stop demonizing masculinity while also discussing the effects of misogyny and the patriarchy please. #because both of those things are very real and very much do hurt people #but im sick of people lashing out at trans men as if the problem magically doesn't affect us anymore because we are men #because guess what! newsflash! it affects trans AND cis men too!! #i shouldnt have to explain it should be obvious but like. im tired man #sorry ill forever be annoyed at women who just hate every single man who dares breathe in their direction because they COULD be an asshole #if you hate someone because of their gender no matter what gender it is i Do Not Trust You #anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk. replies are off cause i dont want to argue with people i just want to express my opinion

[strawberrysweater]

augh the ot3 and saimatsu...... i just love themb so so so so so much there are so few ships i feel this strongly about... nine times out of ten if i "ship" something it's in a sorta hypothetical way where i hardly ever imagine them doing romantic things together and more just. i like them when they stand next to each other and their dynamic is good/silly/tragic/etc. but saimatsu and saiibomatsu make me so unwell (positive) like. if my aro romance repulsed ass is imagining a ship getting married i have it BAD for them ok

#ot3posting #ALSO KIIBO IS ARO TO ME fbshfjdh see what i mean #i dont think it comes across very well in my art/posts #but i do see the kiibo parts of the polycule as being distinctly queerplatonic in a way #not because it's lesser than shuichi & kaedes relationship but just bc that's how kiibo is and thats how it works out!!! #i imagine his confession went something like #'i love being your friend and it feels so special to me but i don't really want a big change in our relationship- #-i just want you both to know how much i feel it and how important it is to me' #and shu/kae r the ones who do more typical romancey stuff but that doesnt mean they dont all #spend time together and hug and kiss and say i love you etc whatever else couples do #i just think. it's all very new for them both romance and esp polyamory #they wanna break away from boxes and preconcieved notions and just be their own people for healing purposes #so they just let it be. theyre important to each other and are each others partners and that's all that matters #plus i love qpr saimatsu too #and its a little hard for me to conceptualize romance without any kind of Aroness to it yknow #so i like to sprinkle it into my fave ships. im having lots of fun #anyway more absolute nonsense from me i'll be here all week

[tibli]

girl i just got into a mild twitter dispute bc someone was calling rosemary negligent abuse, and when i asked how thats even remotely true they were like 'i dont understand how you cant see it if you read the comic' and proceeded to give me zero examples.

i shouldnt have to even say this, but a teenage girl is not responsible for someone elses alcoholism, and mishandling it is not fucking abuse, holy shit. i think maybe that person just had some negative memories w rosemary and let it ruin the ship for them, but im not about to let someone call a traumatized teenage girl abusive because she doesnt act like a therapist or something

idek if thats why they think its abusive, bc they never gave me an answer, and the last time they responded they immediately privated so i have no clue what they even said.

#homestuck #rose lalonde #kanaya maryam #rosemary #im genuinely curious as to whether this person has ever known an addict ever in their life #because i have. and i dont take that shit lightly at all #it may not have been alcohol but it doesnt fucking matter. #being unable to deal with an addicted person's behavior is not fucking negligent abuse #there is only so much you can do for someone who's addicted anyway. they have to WANT to get clean #sorry im a little bit heated abt this bc its smth very personal for me #and yeah at the end of the day it doesnt really matter what someone thinks of a ship #but that kind of attitude can bleed into everyday life too #if you consider rosemary abusive then do you just consider any human being on earth to be an abuser???? #simply for not reacting perfectly to every situation at all times??? ugh #tibtalks

[upsidedowngrass]

im thinking abt liam and bryce SO much rn now. theyre dynamic is so. sorry liam. sorry bryce

#neither of them have done anything wrong and are simply two diff ppl w two diff personalities and two diff thought processes #responding to the same single event . that they didnt deserve to have to respond to but now they just Have To #and both of them regard the other w a sort of desperation around the events of s1 but in a different way #that they respond one way that contradicts how the other does #liam doesnt care what happens to himself but bryce doesnt want to lose everything #its very realistic and very tragic because they were both important for each other but the opposite of what each other wanted at all #bryce wanted to finally heal. from everything. and whether or not ignoring one was a healthy way to do so was irrelevant #he just wanted to finally heal #and liam just. he doesnt care about His Own Life. he just wants to do this One Thing at All Costs. and no one else can help him. #he wants to be known by someone. anyone really. because he cant do any of it alone but its all he knows to do now #and nothing else matters to him #the two are just. theyre so complicated and im emotional abt it #i thinka bt it a lot but i think a good way to put it is #wrt the trolley problem? liam would pull the lever. bryce wouldnt #anyway. that piece os soooo. thinks abt them forever #i think every combination of characters in one is extremely tragic #bc its normal ppl responding to a horrible situation they didnt deserve to be in but now have to respond to #and sometimes they conflict. sometimes they hurt another person when the intent was to help. sometimes its solace in the worst of ones life #but all of them are so. i think abt it a lot liam and bryce are just now the specific ones on my mind cus of my most recent rb

[martyrbat]

“did i ever tell you about rose wilson?” | the titans (1999) #33

[ID: four panels focusing on Rose Wilson as she works out. She's sweating as she punches and kicks a suspended punching bag and listens to Argent talk. She's wearing a white sports bra with a red band, the Titan's logo displayed in the center of her chest. The logo is a giant yellow circle that's enclosed with a red outline and has a red outline of the letter T in the center. She's wearing grey sweatpants and has fingerless black gloves on and has her long, white hair down. END ID]

#HIII ROSE... <333 #unsure what type of gloves or gauntlets those are so i didn't include it lmao. i think its mma but they don't come up that far. #does it matter? no. not at all. ur probably not going to read this. if u don't care about rose (ur wrong btw) u already scrolled past this. #if u do then ur more focused on hehehe rose looking beautiful as always and moving on #regardless this will be out of ur head within 5 minutes tops. but me??? i have sat here for a hour looking at different glove typws #then learning the history and types and sizes and styles and reason for variations #then boxing scandles by sabotaging the gloves. weighting them making them jagged and billy collins jr and everything #AGAIN. all of which doesnt TECHNICALLY matter. but to me?? this is going to bother me until i learn it. not steadily but something chewing #just in the back of my brain. smacking its lips obnoxiously and where yea ok i can tune it out until its a silent room and i HAVE to #fucking know what gloves these are. i still won't include it in the id because it doesn't matter to anyone but me #anyways. want her to break my fucking nose until they cant reconstruction it and i pop out the plastic surgery room looking like voldemort #rose wilson #crypt's panels #c: the titans (1999) | i: 33

[fenharel]

had the misfortune to read things in the solas tag again. 12 dead 27 injured

#i hate it here #personal #when will the vallaslin removal scene drama stop 😭✌ #literally the chantry will potray the inquisitor whatever way they want. it doesnt matter what they look like. what does the vallaslin #removal really have to do with that #dont forget ameridan. his story is important for a reason #anyway. whatever. #slightly different topic but this reminds me how an overwhelming amount of people seemingly prefer lying or ignorance #over truth simply out of 'respect' or 'kindness' which is just. scary imo #the idea that stating facts is an evil act because thats just part of the dalish culture now is. shocking. this is bullshit i read on this #website that i wish i could forget about lmao rip #solas doesnt pressure her. doesnt judge. he simply educates. lavellan is free to use this knowledge whatever way she wants #and he respects her decision no matter what she decided on #the way this little scene is so controversial is concerning in more than a ''this is just regular fandom drama'' way ngl #fandom negativity

[july-19th-club]

how to make a character who sucks so bad and nobody likes him but he is genuinely a good protagonist (good as in interesting, maybe on a rare day good as in decent but also, just like, an incredible jackass) . i need to make him worse i need to make him MEANER!

#i think the key to getting this kind of character right is that he can't try to be anybody's boss #that's not the fun and engaging kind of jackass that's just reminding the reader of all the bosses they've hated in their time #the engaging and likeable Guy Who Sucks So Bad is a loner who might CLAIM that he will take over the group or whatever and lead #but never actually has any intentions of doing so because part of the things he sucks re: is responsibility of any kind #he does however know that leaders dont like other people horning in on their territory so he will say things like #i'm gonna wreck your shit and then all your lackeys will follow ME! ouahahahahaha . despite having zero plans to follow up with that #the ideal engaging asshole protagonist is a rebel without a good cause: maybe he has a sad backstory; maybe he's just a dick #but if there's one thing about him you can count on it's that he is Opposed To Shit. doesnt matter what it is his primary entertainment #is picking a fight with it for no reason and then saying what the fuck ever i didn't care about it anyway (he didn't) #ideally this is all done in such a way that he is SEXY . but you'd never want to hang with him because he is deeply obnoxious #he is not bossy. he is not controlling. he is maybe even a bit of a wife guy except he hates everyone else and wants to make their day wors #because making someone else's day worse makes HIS day better . the ideal wife for him is the one from ordinary day with peanuts #by shirley jackson #and i have GOT to figure out a way to engineer this guy without copying examples of my favorite versions of him wholesale #i have the scaffolding. but because of my own confrontation-averse tendencies #im terribly concerned that i will never be able to actually make him the asshole he was born to be #q

[orcelito]

Also remembering that I get to write wolfwood next chapter and I'm a widdle nervous bc this is a Big Moment and I only wrote him a little bit with Sentido and it's been 8 months since then

But im also REALLY excited bc I get to finally (FINALLY) start executing the vashwood concepts I'd thought up at the damned START of this fic

So much relationship development to get to. So much Wolfwood to get to. Very exciting things.

#speculation nation #itnl shit #ive got a pretty solid grasp on wolfwood I Think but also #i think i wanna do some more research into him before i write hin #im gonna need to read more of the manga Anyways. #i need to study his mannerisms and speech patterns and the ways he interacts with the world #because i have a good idea of it already but a lot of my concept of him does exist in fanon #because it's been A Bit since ive actually read the manga. #and i never want to base my writing off of fanon. never ever ever. that's fatal writing error number One. #i pride myself on my rock solid characterizations. for side characters it doesnt matter as much #but the 2nd person in the main pairing? ostensibly the 2nd most important character to the fic? #yeah im not gonna fuckin base him off of what i have in my mind from however much fanfiction. #it's like the difference between accuracy and precision. by following fanon characterizations #someone might be able to be Precise about his characterization. in that they write him consistently and according to common perception. #but fanon very often exists Just to the left of what canon actually is. so it may be precise but not accurate #at least with regard to canon characterizations. #i want my characterization to be both precise And accurate. i want people to read my fic and go 'yeah thats trimax wolfwood' #with vash i do sprinkle in a few of my favorite things from the other versions too. same with the girls. #and maybe i'll do that a bit with wolfwood. but also hes so very different between the 3 iterations #that he might as well be different characters in all of them. #this is first and foremost a trimax fic. so i WILL have trimax wolfwood in it. #i may look up general guides for writing him if theyre around. but tbh i will rely more on my own research probably. #i have my own system for writing anyways. the sliding scales of different qualities that guides my general word choices for dialog #ive explained it before. dont really wanna get into it again. #i need to solidify in my mind where ww exists on the axes of intelligence politeness kindness and formality #among others. while also paying attention for any kind of repeat words or phrases that he likes to use #that i can pepper in to make it Sound Like Him. #thats the key to how i do general dialog lol. it's of course guided by who they are as a person #but word choice is done through the general perception of them along a set of axes. this is how it goes for All my writing. #im. rambling. whoops. anyways im excited for wolfwood. Soon...

[thueenz]

for real though that post is so true on the love front i think about it all the time like why is everyone so LOVELESS not even just in like cishetero marriages where they hate each other just in general like platonic too. it drives me craaazy when im exposed to it like why are ppl like this !! why dont you love your friends and partner!! its like everything is a social game that theyre playing just for validation and lacking real connection and its a game where theyre always about 2 steps away from being bitter and hateful towards their friends/lover like STOOOOP! im someone who values love and kindness so much and it baffles me. why do you hate your partner! why do you talk about them like theyre an object of validation! why are you dating someone you clearly dislike! why are u so mean to ur friends behind their backs im cryin. why do you up and abandon them the second you get a partner bc you dont value them over the romantic validation you get. ive always been such an affectionate person at heart and i value what my friends say so much and i always find myself feeling so distant from people in relationships because they just feel?? so shallow?? and distant from me. like i think oh this preson gets me but theres ppl who say the same things how they value kindness and love but its always like, immediately clear they are actually a deeply mean person and just enjoy feeling like theyre 'good'. the way society functions with relationships feels so intensely shallow and i cannot connect to it at all. i love my friends and i love people and i always want to understand them and reach out with compassion and be close to them physically and emotionally speaking and talk a lot and listen to them. however im cursed to live in a world of 1 word responses if any at all and shallow relationships where no one gaf about each other and then i get told i talk too much. hello? *tapping mic* hello? is this thing on? be filled with whimsy and love going forward please. anyway does anyone else feel this way or is it just me feel free to talk about it if youd like

#thank god i finally found some friends who are like this too it was so rough before #it sucks tho bc ive been so tired lately its hard for me to live up to this #which i dont hate myself for its valid its just like waaah i wanna have the energy to really put my all in friendships again #for half my life my biggest want and goal in life has been to be someone approachable and who seems kind #even to people with anxiety and i think growing up with anxiety greatly shaped that #i value being kind and compassionate and understanding to such a degree that i spent and still spend time actively working #towards that goal and unlearning being judgemental and bitter #bc i want to be kind so badly and to put kindness in the world... #no but seirously why do people date ppl they dont like #wym you guys arent so unabashedly in love that you practically see hearts thinking of them #wym your entire chest doesnt fill with joy and the simple prospect of them experiencing lifes small joys no matter how little and mundane #to love so wholly that you strive to be a good person not out of guilt or feeling like you are bad but because you desire so deeply to be #good for them and put as much goodness in their life as you can because its what they deserve...💙💙 #ANYWAY LMFAO! im sappy asf as a person sorry everyone but also not sorry #pers

[n0phis]

Gay.

gonna use this ask i didn’t initially dignify with a response to say that not replying to the ask game anons is killing me oh my god. overarching post to everyone who sent one holy shit those are some of the coolest things ive ever heard. really really really incredibly immeasurably happy that i can help inspire some of u, AND that ive met so many cool ppl in the community :] u guys slap

#tham talks #but no really those all are so meaningful? #idk if its just coming out of a rut of ‘it wouldn’t really matter if i stopped posting’ because idk. brain chemistry #and i tend to base my value off of what i can bring to the table so if i feel like my presence in a community isnt like. #actively helping at least *someone* #then it doesnt really feel fair to continue? #idk if thats a good outlook or not- and its not based on numbers #just on like. net effect on the world. unfortunately the discord has NOT been helping with that lately ill be real #but no i do need that kinda bitchslap moment of no! you doing this makes at least one person happy #and THEY deserve the effort your putting in #and that in turn helps me get off my ass or out of whatever rut im in and start creating again #which makes me happy #so its worked out so far! #idk what the fuck im saying and this feels WAY too personal but i dont want to delete or reread it so #anyways. thanks for helping with the weirdest cycle of inspo imaginable LMAO

[ecoamerica]

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[anaalnathrakhs]

i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.

#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating #i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice. #i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything. #i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years #i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating #i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group #nowhere i go will be free of obligations #i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway #my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not #they see me binge and nothing happens #we just ignore it #i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished #hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me #i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life #both meals with other people and my ritual binges #i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging #and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food #to other people #it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction #my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want #or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie #or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something #and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :) #and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly. #so badly that no one can deny i need help #i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital. #no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim #i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me #but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care. #so fuck me i guess

[jacqcrisis]

writing this out to work through being guilt tripped:

yesterday, my aunt from new york was visiting. to see her, i’d have to drive total of two hours round trip. i was having severe gastrointestinal issues yesterday morning, and honestly, i forgot she was coming, and she’s turned into just as much of a hyper conservative christian weirdo as my mom, so I said no to coming down as driving while nauseous and in pretty bad stomach pain only to be be interrogated over my appearance, life, and politics sounded like the worst time possible. 

my mom calls me this morning to as why i didn’t drive down. i told her the ways i was sick. what comes next is ten minutes of her saying how hurt she is me and my brother never want to see her family yet we make all this time for dad’s side, and why don’t we want to see her family and etc etc etc. So despite feeling like shit, despite not wanting to see her family at all because they’re all mostly awful, and despite not wanting to speak to her specifically, I’m still sitting here feeling guilty as fuck. 

Why? Why should I feel guilty? I don’t like these people (other than my aunt who I do but she’s said some things that have given me a familial form of the ick) and if they weren’t blood related, I wouldn’t give them the time of day, and yet just a few minutes of my mom whining about how I’m not spending time with her family and how much that ‘hurts her’ makes me feel like I kicked her dogs.

#jacq life #it doesnt matter what i tell her either #no matter what it'll start a fight #so i just sit and listen and make it clear im annoyed #also i like dads side of the family more but i only see them once every other year #but that doesnt matter #any time spent with them is time not spent with her which is unacceptable #well at least now i feel less guilty and just more irritated than anything #my mom looks for reasons to fight for any reason and i need to remember that #she wants to make you feel miserable to make her feel self-righteous or to make herself feel better or like the victim #its how she's always worked and always will work because shes a toxic abusive individual #with no self worth outside of being controlling as shit over the people closest to her and making them feel like shit #so the best thing to do is not respond to not give her ammo #anyways

[stellardeer]

i have to come to terms with the fact that I am actually well off for someone in this country now, like.. idk it's weird

i'm still living the exact same lifestyle that i was before, so for the most part it feels almost like nothing has changed, like maybe im spending a little bit more money on food and buying the "good" toilet paper, but all that does is allow me to actually have savings in my bank account

i still stand with the working class and impoverished people of this country, and I am very much still in the boat of "one [very] bad day from homelessness" so i am not taking this for granted whatsoever

i've just been watching some of those youtube channels where they interview random people all over the country and just like.. kinda show what their life is like and it's definitely putting mine in perspective

very very grateful for the opportunities i have had and very proud of myself for forcing myself to stay in college (even tho it took almost 10 years to finish and left me with a mountain of debt) and just like.. idk, i feel like i could be doing more to help people out, i can't wait til im out of debt ;o;

#like idk it makes me feel a little bad sometime that im able to live comfortably while others arent #fuck i mean i got one of my friends living on my fucking couch rn i have a daily reminder of the inequality in this country #cause he doesnt have any qualifications to get a good enough job to fucking LIVE in this city #he's been trying to find a place to live but everywhere wants you to be making 3x the rent #and there's not a fucking job in this town that will pay you that much... #it's college town most people here are not even paying their own rent their well-off parents are paying it #ive never even fucking paid rent here i was living off the good fucking graces of my friends and my partner for like 7 years #and im still not paying rent i live in a trailer park and i own the trailer it's a shitty 2bd that i've had to pay to fix multiple times #but the fact that i can even afford to do that now is INSANE TO ME #I OWN A BUILDING WTF #i mean i do pay lot rent but it's only $300/mo #but rent prices here keep going up and up and up and i feel bad for my friend cause i dont know wtf he's supposed to do #i'm not charging him anything to live here so he's saved up a bunch of money but no matter how much he has the apartment places dont care #cause he wont have that money once he has to spend it all on bills and then his paychecks wont be able to cover living costs... #and i love him but he's just a little bit stupid and like.. doesn't seem to comprehend that he cannot afford a place that's $900 :'D #like he thinks that because he makes $1500 a month that he can spend $900 of that on rent like buddy NOO #what about FOOD? and OTHER BILLS? that's JUST rent dude what about lights and water???? #but also idk i dont feel THAT bad for him cause he could always just move back in with his mom or live with a roommate but he fcking refuse #anyway this got off on a tangent the point is once im out of debt im donating all my fucking money

[salsflore]

been almost 3 yrs and i am still struggling with the whole mikachi first meeting thing. bye

#for zl its something simple. i just saw cute fanart of it with another ship [ p sure it was someones 2 ocs ] and enjoyed the idea #i lost my black umbrella irl but tbf it doesnt really matter because i always fucking forget to bring it anyways. so sometimes i get caught #in the rain. so idk zl lends me his umbrella bc. fuck! heading in the same direction and is like hey loser . . let me help you . . #cue immediate heart eyes bc handsome stranger helped her. like Wow Yuo Are So Cool... ♡ #afterwards she mentions this interaction to her friend [ yun jin or hu tao .. unsure but they are both so silly so its hard 2 decide ] and #then they are like wait i know that grandpa you're talking about! let me set you up lalala theres this whole thing i'm lazy #i'll write about it Maybe bc i do want to write for my platonic f/os. and also cover all the [ firsts ] in my self ships #its just: i don't like feeling obligated to stick to things (like a series or theme or whatever) so maybe not. would be nice though.. #nobody in this world is allowed to laugh at me i'll die #as for childe my plan was he breaks into her house and then shes like wtf who r u?!! they make eye contact and kiss + get married asap #no actually i truly dont know. zl's is slightly easier because he lives a mortal life. just chills #has connections with a lot of the liyue chars. literally just enjoying his retirement era now #ajax doesn't have many connections ( other harbingers but they dgaf about each other i think x ) and i just cant imagine that. idk #just fucking. bumping into him would lead to anything. maybe i should turn into a fish and have him fish me up and then i transform into a #girl and then we fall in love what do you guys think (losing my grip on humanity) #💭 #mika ♡ ajax #mika ♡ zhongli