writing this out to work through being guilt tripped:
yesterday, my aunt from new york was visiting. to see her, i’d have to drive total of two hours round trip. i was having severe gastrointestinal issues yesterday morning, and honestly, i forgot she was coming, and she’s turned into just as much of a hyper conservative christian weirdo as my mom, so I said no to coming down as driving while nauseous and in pretty bad stomach pain only to be be interrogated over my appearance, life, and politics sounded like the worst time possible.
my mom calls me this morning to as why i didn’t drive down. i told her the ways i was sick. what comes next is ten minutes of her saying how hurt she is me and my brother never want to see her family yet we make all this time for dad’s side, and why don’t we want to see her family and etc etc etc. So despite feeling like shit, despite not wanting to see her family at all because they’re all mostly awful, and despite not wanting to speak to her specifically, I’m still sitting here feeling guilty as fuck.
Why? Why should I feel guilty? I don’t like these people (other than my aunt who I do but she’s said some things that have given me a familial form of the ick) and if they weren’t blood related, I wouldn’t give them the time of day, and yet just a few minutes of my mom whining about how I’m not spending time with her family and how much that ‘hurts her’ makes me feel like I kicked her dogs.
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GUYS! I REMEMBER A SONG EXISTED. ITS JUST FUCKING DURGETASH. HELP. GIVE ME A SECOND, I'M GONNA POST THE SPOTIFY AND THE LYRICS HELP. ITS UNDER THE CUT.
I want to know how it will end
I want to be sure of what it will cost
I want to strangle the stars for all they promised me
I want you to call me on your drug phone
I want to keep you alive so there is always the possibility of murder later
I want to be there when you learn the cost of desire
I want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win
I want the name of the ruiner
I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn
I want you to know that being kind is overrated
I want to write my secret across your sky
I want to watch you lose control
I want to watch you lose
I want to know exactly what it's going to take
I want to see you insert yourself into glory
I want your touches to scar me so I'll know where you've been
I want you to watch when I go down in flames
I want a list of atrocities done in your name
I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back
I want to remember when my nightmares were clearer
I want to be there when your hot black rage rips wide open
I want to taste my own kind
I want to be wrapped in cold wet sheets to see if it's different on this side
I want you to come on strong
I want to leave you out in the cold
I want the exact same thing, but different
I want some drugs... some soft, soft drugs
I want to throw you
I want you to know I know
I want to know if you read me
I want to swing with my eyes shut and see what I hit
I want to know just how much you hate me so I can predict what you'll do
I want you to know the wounds are self-inflicted
I want a controlling interest
I want to be somewhere beautiful when I die
I want to be your secret hater
I want to stop destroying you but I can't
And I want and I want and I want and I will always be hungry
And I want
And I want
And I want
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I'll never get people that want artists they like to stay "a secret" I literally squeal with joy whenever I hear cavetown on like TV, raido, shit like that. It's like "fuck ye. This artist I love is getting the recognition they deserve"
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