#anyway this got off on a tangent the point is once im out of debt im donating all my fucking money

[stellardeer]

i have to come to terms with the fact that I am actually well off for someone in this country now, like.. idk it's weird

i'm still living the exact same lifestyle that i was before, so for the most part it feels almost like nothing has changed, like maybe im spending a little bit more money on food and buying the "good" toilet paper, but all that does is allow me to actually have savings in my bank account

i still stand with the working class and impoverished people of this country, and I am very much still in the boat of "one [very] bad day from homelessness" so i am not taking this for granted whatsoever

i've just been watching some of those youtube channels where they interview random people all over the country and just like.. kinda show what their life is like and it's definitely putting mine in perspective

very very grateful for the opportunities i have had and very proud of myself for forcing myself to stay in college (even tho it took almost 10 years to finish and left me with a mountain of debt) and just like.. idk, i feel like i could be doing more to help people out, i can't wait til im out of debt ;o;

#like idk it makes me feel a little bad sometime that im able to live comfortably while others arent #fuck i mean i got one of my friends living on my fucking couch rn i have a daily reminder of the inequality in this country #cause he doesnt have any qualifications to get a good enough job to fucking LIVE in this city #he's been trying to find a place to live but everywhere wants you to be making 3x the rent #and there's not a fucking job in this town that will pay you that much... #it's college town most people here are not even paying their own rent their well-off parents are paying it #ive never even fucking paid rent here i was living off the good fucking graces of my friends and my partner for like 7 years #and im still not paying rent i live in a trailer park and i own the trailer it's a shitty 2bd that i've had to pay to fix multiple times #but the fact that i can even afford to do that now is INSANE TO ME #I OWN A BUILDING WTF #i mean i do pay lot rent but it's only $300/mo #but rent prices here keep going up and up and up and i feel bad for my friend cause i dont know wtf he's supposed to do #i'm not charging him anything to live here so he's saved up a bunch of money but no matter how much he has the apartment places dont care #cause he wont have that money once he has to spend it all on bills and then his paychecks wont be able to cover living costs... #and i love him but he's just a little bit stupid and like.. doesn't seem to comprehend that he cannot afford a place that's $900 :'D #like he thinks that because he makes $1500 a month that he can spend $900 of that on rent like buddy NOO #what about FOOD? and OTHER BILLS? that's JUST rent dude what about lights and water???? #but also idk i dont feel THAT bad for him cause he could always just move back in with his mom or live with a roommate but he fcking refuse #anyway this got off on a tangent the point is once im out of debt im donating all my fucking money

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression, Ep 41 - 'Antique' displayed in showcase. Its true identity is..

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome again. Ok, should we get straight on with it?

J: Yeh, shall we?

T: Yeah.

J: Just get started quickly.

K: Ok, Ojikyun... (*see last episode*)

T: Yeh, Ojikyun.

J: I'll try my hardest.

T: Ojikyun Joe.

J: Ok, well, this is today's news. 'Antique displayed in showcase, its real identity is..?'　A photo posted to Twitter of a shop's showcase is getting reactions like, 'I had to look twice!', and 'I was fooled!'. The person who posted the photo was walking the streets, when suddenly they saw a shop with a showcase containing numerous pots. But when this person had a closer look, they were amazed. They read the explanation card and discovered the pots were actually Baumkuchen! The pots, made in various sizes, resemble the real finish and shape of an actual flower vase. The shop, named Villon, is a patisserie located in Sakura Shinmachi in Tokyo, and was established in 1965. These Baumkuchen made in the shape of pottery go by the name of 'Grand Villion', and the shop owner says they were born out of an idea to express the beauty of pottery though cakes. The shop also sells many other products, but people who have seen the photos online have been mistaking the cakes for real pots one after another.

So I think if you have a search online, you'll be able to find the images, but it really is Baumkuchen which looks exactly like a pot.

T: Absolutely.

K: Yeh, for sure.

J: What do you think about this?

K: Its incredible.

T: It is, yeh.

J: Yeh, it is.

T: It is amazing.

J: Yeah. I wonder if they sell a lot of these?

K: Can you buy these online?

J: I wonder if you can?

K: Just by looking, it seems like you order it in store.

J: These look like they are probably difficult to deliver.

K: Right.

J: I feel like it would break during delivery.

T: Yeah. But peope are buying these and taking them home as souvenirs.

J: Yeh, using Baumkuchen to make a pot...

T: Won't it become really well-known?

J: Yeah, it will. Its like making curry into the shape of poo as a kid...What? Didn't you do that?

T: Haha

T, K: No

J: Didn't you ever make curry into the shape of poo and offer it to your friends in elementary school?

K: Haha, no.

J: Its only me?? I bet some people did *points to camera*

T: They didn't, I'm sure they didn't, haha. No-one's gonna fall for you with that.

K: Haha

J: Im not Ojikyun material?

T: Not at all.

K: I thought everyone did that.

T: Hahaha

J: Isn't it a good trick? Making poo with curry? This is the same, just making a pot with Baumkuchen.

K: ??? *1

J: Is that a bit rude of me? Don't you make piled up poo with curry?

T: No! Haha.

K: How do you even make that with curry??

J: Its like, if the curry is left for a while, it congeals a bit, right?

K: The roux.

J: Yeah, kinda like the roux. I did it with that when i was a kid.

T: You did it with that? haha

J: I got into trouble with my parents for it.

K: Well, yeh.

T: Yeah, you would..playing with food.

J: ???*2

K: So thats why you're like this now.

J: No no no, ???*3. But anyway, its like an extension of that, what Villon is doing.

K: Its amazing. The cake at the bottom looks exactly like a real pot.

T: Yeah.

J: Yeh, they have uploaded the pics, but at a glance the Grand Villlon seems to cost close to twenty thousand yen.

T: Yeh, twenty thousand.

K: The big one, right?

J: Yeah, the big one.

T: Oh, the medium sized one costs ¥14,500.

J: Yeh, the big one is about ¥20,000. It would make someone very happy if you gave it as a gift.

T: Well, I wanna try it once.

J: Yeh, me too. Though it probably just tastes like regular Baumkuchen.

T: Of course, yeh.

J: So like, curry in the shape of poo tastes like curry, haha.

T: Hahaha

K: It reminds me of that thing, poo flavoured curry or curry flavoured poo?

J: The ultimate decision, right?

T: Oh, I remember that.

K: Which would you choose?

T: Probably curry flavoured..

K: Poo flavoured is impossible.

J: But the poo flavored one is still just curry.

K: Its ok to eat?

J: Yeah. 

K: So if its curry flavored poo, and you eat it will it have an  ???*4 influence?

J:..Yeh. It might be something sent from above. But anyhow, it tastes like curry.

K: So, its poo that doesn't harm your body?

J: No, well, the taste. The taste is curry...What are we talking about?? haha.

T: Right? haha

J, K: hahaha.

K: So for this, its like, is it a real pot?

T: Haha

K: Like, a pot that looks like Baumkuchen, or a Baumkuchen that looks like a pot?

J: I feel like this convo is getting off track.

K: That was your fault.

T: You went off on a tangent all of a sudden, haha.

J: Was it my fault? Im so sorry.

K: Should we buy one of these Baumkuchen?

J: Yeah, lets buy one.

K: Haha

T: Lets buy one.

K: We could eat it together.

J: Yeh, we could each put ¥5000 towards it or something.

T: Well, something like that.

K: Yeah.

T: It looks like this store is well established, I bet its delicious.

J: Its great though, established in 1965. The shop is older than me. Its been there for 55 years.

T: Thats amazing.

J: Definitively, lets try it as the TFoE team.

T: Should we ask Kami?

J: Ok. Kami?

Kami: Yes?

J: Oh, he's there, thats good.

T: Yeh, thats good. I thought he might be asleep.

Kami: Did you guys eat Baumkuchen as kids?

J: Well, honestly I was quite poor as a kid. We had a business in our house, but we suddenly went bankrupt and became poor very quickly. My Dad had a car, and he had about a million yen in debts with it, or fines.

T: When was this?

J: Oh, when I was in elementary school, so about forty years ago. So we didn't really eat fancy sweets like Baumkuchen...not that I can remember anyway.

T: Hm, as a small kid..

Kami: Um, I spent a lot of time in Nishinari in Osaka..Baumkuchen in not common there. (*Nishinari is know as a bit of a slum*)

K: Haha.

T: Im sure you can eat it there.

Kami: No, there didn't used to be any there.

T, K, J: Hahaha

J: So, you were in Nishinari, Kami?

Kami: For quite a long time actually.

J: Oh, really?

Kami: In Nishinari they really work hard making ocotopuses with sausages.

T: Haha

J: Haha. Octopuses with sausages?

T: You can buy that in the supermarket.

J: But its the same kind of idea right? Like making pots with Baumkuchen.

Kami: Also using carrots to make flowers.

J,T: Ahh, yeh, I see.

J: Kami, as soon as you enter, the conversion suddenly gets really common.

T: Yeah

Kami: It is the same idea.

K, T, J: Haha

J: Kami, you are pretty interesting.

T: Have you seen those things that are like deep fried Baumkuchen on skewers?

K: Oh yeh, I have.

T: Have you tried them?

J: I've seen deep fried ice cream, or fruit and stuff on a skewer, but not Baumkuchen.

T: Oh, there is that too.

K: Yeah, there is.

J: Ehh.

T: They definitely did this in Nishinari, right Kami?

K: Yeh, they did.

Kami: No, they didn't.

T: Haha

K: He's sure about that.

J: Yeh, he's certain.

T: He doesn't want to lose on this one.

J: But Kami, do you want to eat these pots made from Baumkuchen?

Kami: Well, yeh, to look at them, they look delicious.

J, T, K: Haha.

T: By the way Kami, how old were you when you first tried Baumkuchen?

Kami: I don't really want to tell you that.

J: Haha, its that much of a secret?

K: Maybe he doesn't remember?

J: Yeah, maybe.

Kami: But first, I want to try one of thier basic Baumkuchen.

J: Ah, more basic than this?

T:???6*

J: Ok, I got it. They do sell regular Baumkuchen too, so we'll get one of those for Kami, and we'll get one of the pot Baumkuchen for us.

T: Yeh, I'll eat that. 

Kami: You still have to share it though.

J, K: Hahaha

J: So you do want to eat it?

Kami: Yeah, I do.

J: You do? You should have been honest from the start. Well, I learned something today...that there is no Baumkuchen in Nishinari.

T: No, there is, there is. Will he get mad at me? There definitely is.

J: There definitely is? Well, we got to learn a bit about Kami's history.

T: You can kinda tell he probably lives in the west.

K: Well, he has a Kansai accent.

J: Yeh, he definitely has a Kansai accent. But now we know specifically about Nishinari.

T: I get the feeling he was just lurking there, as opposed to living.

K: He does seem kinda low class.

T: Yeh, he does.

J: Like, the kinda guy you want to avoid if at all possible, haha.

K: Ok, so, is that it?

J: So, we'll have to go and buy this sometime. Within the year?

T: Lets go asap.

K: Well, if they have to be reserved, we'll make a reservation.

J: Oh, yeah. Well, Kami wants to try a piece too.

K: Will Kami come down to join us then?

Kami: I do want to eat it.

J: No, well, what should we do? How can we give you it, Kami?

T: Right?

J: Kami?

Kami: Yes?

J: Yes?

K: hahaha

J: He doesn't know how to answer that, haha. Clearly, haha. He obviously doesn't know what to say! You're in the sky, right, Kami?

Kami: Thats right.

J: Yeh, so how can we get the cake to you?

Kami: Yeh, Im not sure, how could we? haha

J, K, T: Hahaha

J: He is totally stuck with this unexpected question.

T: What should we do then?

K: How about we look forward to what happens at that time?

J: Certainly!

K: Haha. Ok, well, Lets finish here for this week. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

*1,2,3,4,5,6 Couldn't make out, usually due to too much background laughing.

#dir en grey #the freedom of expression #tfoe #kaoru #薫 #baumkuchen

[normal-thoughts-official]

Question.... how might you fit Camille angst into Camboy AU? Or Asmodeous? You dont have to if you dont want to but I love angst

[pulls out fully prepared powerpoint] im glad you asked….

seriously tho, if you think that i don’t want to fit camille angst into this AU, ur an idiot. i always want to fit camille angst. come on anon, youre better than this.

anyway. AHEM.

warning ahead for descriptions of emotional and sexual abuse, transphobia, manipulation

ok so when camille and magnus got together he wasn’t doing cam stuff yet, but i’m thinking he was already considering it? like it’s something he wanted to do and had the means to and thought he could enjoy and make some money out of. i have mixed thoughts about his backstory here, like, maybe he was a college dropout? because he ran away from home because of asmodeus. and he had the support of maia - maybe they even ran away together since she also ran away from home? hmm - and raphael (who had lost his family and had been lowkey taken under magnus’ wing and so he left with him too?) and cat and ragnor whom he possibly met later? and he was in a new city where he didn’t know many people and didn’t have an income source and thus he was even more vulnerable to camille’s abuse. like he still studies the shit he enjoys and actually i have this half-cooked thought about how him, maia, cat and ragnor wanting to develop, like, some sort of substance to help clean the ocean but they don’t want to do it for a company cuz they want it to be easily accessible and not used for profit, so they kind of do it voluntarily together, and- i’m not answering the goddamn question what the fuck shit goddamn you stupid fucking brain youve been WAITING for this question

anyWAY when magnus first met camille he still wasn’t doing cam stuff, he was living with maia and raphael and living off gigs? and still considering going back to college at the time (but he ultimately decided that nah it’s not worth the debt when he is doing just fine being self taught). but he was still in a bad mental space and wasn’t very stable and that made him all the more vulnerable to her bullshit

she was actually the reason he didn’t start doing cam stuff sooner - he had the means and he wanted to, but. well, first of all, camille was a possessive, jealous girlfriend. she would do this thing where she would simultaneously tell him she didn’t find him attractive - from saying that no one else could ever love someone like him to more casual, offhand, even matter-of-fact comments about how of course he needs makeup, or just vague comments like “kissing you is so weird sometimes” that she didn’t expand on and left him to mull over - and think he would cheat on her with, like, anyone and anything, and being extremely possessive.

she wouldn’t let him go out with friends unless she was with him - and when she was with him, she wouldn’t interact with them a lot unless it was to be lowkey nasty and try to get them to pick up a fight. so eventually magnus started not wanting to see his friends anymore because it meant more stress and not a good time. maybe he even moved out to live with camille for a while? or she was just always there and kept telling him that his friends - especially raphael - were trying to pit him against her. 

and if magnus ever complained about it, she would say that this is exactly why she doesn’t trust him - because he keeps insisting on seeing them without her so much. what does he have to hide? and why isn’t her presence enough? if their relationship is not enough for him and he keeps wanting to be with other people without her, does he even want to be with her at all? does he even truly love her? if she’s not enough for him even as a friend, why would she be as a girlfriend? and she doesn’t deserve that humiliation, to be cheated on when she settled for him and gave him her all.

so obviously if he ever started doing cam shit, even if by himself, even if with her knowing, even if it’s not really cheating…. he knew she’d flip. she’d never let him. besides, she was helping him, right? she was rich and had no qualms about paying things for him, even if she was constantly commenting how embarrassing that must be for him. “poor baby, can’t even afford to look after yourself, need your girlfriend to help you so you can eat, huh?”. 

(it was embarrassing. not because she was a girl, but just because he never wanted to be a burden to anyone)

but anyway, if he had her, he wouldn’t really need to do something like this, would he? what would she even say? would she even want to stay with him, when he knew she found sex workers disgusting and laughable?

(there’s a little more to it, too - the comments about his appearance started to get to him. why would anyone want to pay to see magnus’ body, when his own girlfriend didn’t like it? when she needed him to make up for it?)

and well not to go on a tangent (altho it’s not really a tangent because it does apply to this au) but i do have this headcanon that i’ve been wanting to talk about but never had the energy to daouhsdaudas that camille gave him so much shit for being a bottom

like…. “what kind of man are you, who doesn’t even want to be the one to fuck? wouldn’t it be easier to just stay a girl?”. but not just that, either. also just thinking that the idea of a man wanting to be fucked by a woman is pathetic, ridiculous. she would never. and like, that is fine, because it’s not like magnus hates topping or anything, he just prefers bottoming. but he’s topped a lot before - he always wants his partners to enjoy themselves, after all, so it’s no big deal. so, you know, he’d top her, no problem

but with her, it always felt like some kind of test

during sex was the only time she ever praised him, except for when he decided to do what she wanted after they had some sort of disagreement or fight. but it was always full of these little humiliations - and not the good, arousing kind that he was into, no matter how many times camille told him to stop whining because she knew he liked stuff like this - like comments on his body, on his appearance, on his performance. the first time she saw him with a strap-on, she laughed and said he looked fake. “even faker,” she commented, and didn’t elaborate, but then was extremely offended that he would ever think she was talking about his transness, because she would never say something like that, she never had a problem with him being trans. why is he even with her, if he doesn’t trust her enough to know this?

not to mention sometimes she would just- recoil. not want to hug him, or cuddle with him, or any kind of touch really. but when he tried to fuck her, to make her feel good - that she wanted. slowly sex started being the only kind of affection or touch that he got, so he wanted to do good. to make her feel good. so she wouldn’t stop wanting to do that, either. he already knew she cheated on him sometimes - she just needed more. he wasn’t enough. but at least he was good enough to get to be with her in that way, and he really, really didn’t want to lose that

well, eventually it got to a point where he couldn’t do it anymore- just got so depressed and dysphoric and desperate camille pretty much threatened to kick him out if he didn’t stop being such a slack, and he said ok. he’d leave. he was done. he couldn’t be happy like this.

she let him go with a string of venomous words about how she wouldn’t miss him, and how he was nothing without her. and then he went back to maia’s and raphael’s, embarrassed and terrified, with apologies on his lips, as well as the promise that he would leave soon, he wouldn’t burden then for long, he just didn’t have anywhere else to go right now

when they saw him at the door, they hugged him so tight it was like breathing for the first time. it was one of the only times he ever saw raphael cry

“we were scared we wouldn’t see you again,” they said

maia was scared the next time she heard about him, it would be about his funeral. she was almost in that place, once upon a time

they put him in a blanket like he was a traumatized child, and raphael made him the hot chocolate magnus used to make him when he was in need of comfort. and they helped him get back on his feet

it took him a while to consider doing cam stuff again, because- well, first of all, he needed to heal. second of all, he was living with raphael and maia now. and third, he still thought it was a silly idea, that he wouldn’t get any clients, that he wasn’t attractive enough, and he definitely wasn’t good in bed enough for anyone to be interested in watching him. you know

but after some time he started considering it again - it’s way better than retail or living off gigs and the 3 of them are a little more stable now. and then maia introduced him and raphael to meliorn, and him and meliorn talked about it a little bit - meliorn was very open about being a sex worker and didn’t mind helping magnus at all, teaching him a few things to watch out for, how most sites work, and recommended him the one they worked at, which had a trans men category. and his interest grew.

he filmed a few things when maia and raphael were out at work, but was hesitant to upload it. one day he did, and- well. it got him some money, and even a few subscriptions, which he really, really wasn’t expecting

so he started putting up a few more when he could, and eventually with that plus the money he had been saving he managed to save up for his own apartment - it was small and in the same building/neighborhood as before, so he was still close, but now he had more space, you know. it helped him get more comfortable

not that it was a secret, raphael and maia knew about it and didn’t really care, beyond raphael’s usual disgust at all things sexual. but they were supportive. so all was cool

and that’s when cam stuff started being his main source of income, until he dived into promoting it and getting clients deep enough for it to be his only source of income. in a way, it helped him feel a little more attractive and realize that, well, people liked his body. it’s just camille who didn’t

still, camille was one of the main reasons why he didn’t want to do feature videos for a long time - when it was just him, he was in way more control. no one could hurt him. no one could get to him. no one was actually there to know how good he was performing, he just had to look good. but with someone else it might be different. and then he would feel like a fraud, and lose his followers and money. idk if anyone even still remembers the original post but i mentioned in it that when he started talking to alec, he didn’t want to make feature films, they just started talking, became friends, then eventually did a feature video and fell down that rabbit hole. so yeah, that’s why

and then there’s the usual, you know - magnus thinking alec wouldn’t be attracted to him because hes trans, wouldn’t have enjoyed having sex with him. when they finished their first vid he was like “wow alec is such a great actor” but in reality he had just fucking blown alec’s mind with the absolute best sex he’s ever had in his whole life. and alec’s definitely not inexperienced in this au

alec isn’t his first after camille - meliorn is, i also mentioned them having been fuck buddies before he met alec - but it still blows his mind a little bit how sex with alec feels just. good. natural. like he really allowed himself to get lost in pleasure and not have that ever-constant presence in the back of his mind telling him he needed to do better, to do more. and alec was just so respectful to him and never pressured him into anything and just touched him all over without shame and it was so good because with camille she barely touched him, she wanted him to do all the work

not that meliorn wasn’t good or amazing either, but with them it was scratching an itch, and there was still that pressure he put on himself even if meliorn didn’t. but with alec there was just this connection, it worked in a way it hadn’t in a long time. which was shocking, because he definitely, definitely wasn’t expecting something like this from a cis white guy

but then again he wouldn’t have ever agreed to do this with alec if they weren’t already friends and close enough for magnus to know he was nothing if not respectful, caring, and willing to learn

but there’s some point you reach with abuse where being abused just feels natural and like a relationship should be. after a while, the abuser logic gets to you. it starts to make sense. and then you get in another relationship, and that logic doesn’t apply at all, and they don’t even think about doing the kinds of things that the abusers did. and something just clicks. like even if you did understand that what the abuser did wasn’t cool or acceptable or deserved, there’s a sort of understanding it that only comes when you re-experience an actually good relationship again, and remember, after so long on focusing on the bad things, what the good things are like. and alec was definitely that for magnus in all universes, that breath of fresh air, that feeling of wonder at being genuinely cared for and respected, and realizing you won’t settle for less anymore. that’s the feeling of starting to heal, when you get to experience that but you don’t take it as “wow they’re so perfect and different from the others”. they’re just how it’s supposed to, and can be.

and alec just so happens to be almost perfectly compatible with him, both in and outside of sex. and it’s amazing, in a way he hadn’t dared to hope for, or believe in

so yeah. that’s what i think about how the whole asmodeus/camille ordeal affected his story, and his future relationship with both his job and alec, later.

#this was 5 pages long on word i need help #im sorry it took so long i truly loved this ask i just didn't have the energy to do shit #but hey at least i answered it! only 16 more to go! #doausdiajdnsa #im SORRY #anyway #ask #anonymous #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #malec au #malec fic #malec ficlet #smut #trans magnus bane #trans magnus smut #camboys au #overflowing trashcan #maia roberts #raphael santiago #brotp: ill do whatever it takes to protec them #meliorn #camille's trash party #camille belcourt