#anyway so that was MY dream diary for today everyone leave your own recent dreams in the replies and we can have a discussion lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thoradvice · 3 years

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hi, I’m feeling a bit sad and anxious.. I feel like I’m wasting my time, on doing nothing. I wrote about it in my diary and it made me realize things. I get anxiety from thinking about my life in the future. And I constantly disappoint myself by doing absolutely nothing all day, everyday. I tell myself that maybe it is because I need to rest but I also feel like I don’t deserve to rest bc i literally haven’t done anything. It makes me feel SO horrible and stressed. A short pt. 2 coming sorry

ok pt. 2 :/ tw anxiety? I think a lot about what I’ll say when kids my age asks me when I’m 75 what I did as a teenager. It gives me so much anxiety bc I won’t have an answer. It may sound silly but this is one of my biggest fears. I’m lacking motivation to live and it’s so scary. I have a big dream but I can’t get myself to really work on it and get there. I can’t get myself to do ANYTHING. Sorry if I’m bothering you, that’s not my intention. I just have to talk to some1 than myparents&friends

hi there, sweetie. i’m so sorry you’re going through this. first off, i want you to know that you always deserve rest. rest is never ever something a person has to earn. you deserve rest because you’re a person, and we all deserve rest. i don’t like to say things such as “you’re X so you definitely deserve rest / etc”, because everyone deserves these basic things. but dealing with mental illness, especially anxiety is really exhausting. i’ve had bad anxiety pretty much since i can remember, and it’s mostly under control now, though it flares up sometimes without any kind of trigger - including recently. i’ve been exhausted this last week, because of it. it really affects you physically, as well as mentally. it’s so important to rest when you’re dealing with mental illness. i took a nap today and it worked wonders. my point is that rest is important and you will always deserve it.

with that in mind, a balance is also important. sometimes, you have to force yourself to do things, and that’s okay too. i’ll use another example from my own life, because i think it makes things clearer ! i have depression, and it’s debilitating a lot of the time. i’ve worked on myself & my mental health so much in the last year, and it’s gotten better. it’s still a nagging presence in my life, but it’s smaller now. sometimes, it flares up and i tend to have depressive episodes that last two weeks up to two months. thankfully, i have good coping mechanisms now, and they tend to be on the shorter end. anyway, i always give myself one or two days to rot, basically. it maybe doesn’t work for everyone, but i need that time to just feel what i’m feeling and experience and acknowledge it. after, i force myself into doing things that i know will make me feel better. i shower. i clean my room. i go for a walk. i do any things for school that i need to do. i reach out if i need to. sometimes, you just have to do it. if you feel that you’re slipping into a rut, try this out. it really does work.

onto your anxiety. this is something that is surprisingly common, i think. i know i’ve felt this way more than once, so you’re not alone. i want you to know that teenagers really don’t act like they do in the movies. sure, parties exist. i went to one when i was fifteen (just turned seventeen, for reference), and honestly it kinda sucked. everyone just sat in this girl’s living room listening to noughties music and drinking cheap alcohol. they’re extremely overrated. i can promise you that there are millions of teenagers who don’t go to parties, or have a ton of sex, or kiss a new person every week, or anything like that. if it makes you feel any better, my idea of a good night is watching a movie and sharing a pizza with my brother, and then watching some stupid sitcom alone in my room texting my girlfriend + friends all night. you don’t have to go on adventures with a group of 3-5 diverse friends, growing up along the way and falling in love with some girl who looks like a taylor swift knock-off to have a fun youth !! the phrase “life is not a john green novel” saved me from so much of this anxiety.

you’re a teenager. you don’t have to be working on your dreams right now. you don’t have to be doing anything but staying afloat. you have your entire life to build your dreams. i know the media bombards us with child prodigies and adolescents who are “changing the world”. but it’s more than okay to just focus on surviving for now, and leave your dreams til you’re older and more capable. you don’t have to do anything big to be meaningful or change the world. you change the world just by existing every day. the world would not be the same without you.

lacking the motivation to live is serious, and i’m so sorry you feel this way. if you can, please see a professional as soon as you can. feelings like this can often seem quite minor, but it’s scary how quickly it can turn into full blown depression & suicidal thoughts. you do not have to wait until it gets worse to get help. you deserve to feel better now. a professional would also be extremely beneficial in helping with your anxiety around life, too.

best of luck with everything, and i’m always here if you need to talk about anything. <33

#ask #anon #thor gives advice #anxiety #mental illness #motivation

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jaehyunspeachparty · 4 years

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daddy jaehyun

iii.i.

a/n: First of all thank you for everyone who is still reading my story regularly. I'm going to make a little time jump here now because I want to push the story a bit and there is another reason, but you will see it in the next updates. If you feel like I have forgotten something and you want to find out more about past events, feel free to ask #atw questions. Especially now after this update, I will go into detail with your question about the events that arose in the time jump.

One year later…

I can hardly believe that I write everything down here. How do I start? Dear Diary? The last time I wrote everything down was when I was 16 years old. But I don't want to forget the last year and write down something about it to have a review. So what happened ... Where should I start?

Yuta had grown in hid new role and is now used to being a father. Chichi is now 21 months old and she is getting prettier every day. Yuta was lucky because his daughter was so calm and loving. He had a really easy time with her. His ex-girlfriend and Chichi's mother, Shiori, had never come back. Yuta had been trying to find her for a while, but it was like she was gone. He also had contact with the Osaka police. But then one day he saw her again in a commercial and he couldn't believe how heartless Shiori was. But Yuta has gotten pretty protective about his daughter. He always cooked for her, kept an eye on her. I always thought Jaehyun was too protective at Miga, but Yuta was a step more extreme.

Yuta and Chichi were visiting Jaehyun. You were on the road with Miga and Jaehyun was taking care of Sunoh. Chichi and Sunoh had on this day a playdate. On the upper floor of your house, there was a room full of toys. Jaehyun and Yuta chatted while Sunoh and Chichi played. They interacted with each other more and more, even if they couldn't do much with each other at that age. Jaehyun had a bowl of grapes with him because Sunoh has loved them lately. Chichi then became curious, because if Sunoh had liked it so much, she would have to taste it too. But she was a little too greedy and choked on the grape. Yuta started to get in panic as he sees that Chichi couldn't breathe and her face went red. Jaehyun already knew how to react in such a situation, it was not the first time that a child choked in his presence. He took Chichi, put her over his leg and patted her back. A few seconds later the little girl coughs out the grape and it falls to the ground. "Everything is all right again?" Jaehyun smiled and looked into Chichi's face, who looked around in surprise. She nodded and Yuta took her straight away. "Is everything really good? Does something hurt you?" He hugged his daughter very tightly, but she was only perplexed. "I think I'm going to the hospital with her." Yuta put Chichi down again and held her hand. "She's healthy. She just choked a little bit." Jaehyun rolled his eyes and laughed. "But what if something slipped into her windpipe? What if the grape broke something in her?" Yuta panicked and put his things together. "Everything is okay, if not she would show you." Jaehyun crossed his arms and watched his friend panic. "But she's so small. I'm going now to the hospital." And it took less than two minutes for Yuta to be out of the house.

Johnny loved being a father and he reminded me of the time when Jaehyun had his first child. He was also protective of his daughter Jaina. He hardly took his eyes off her, but he also enjoyed spending time with Jaehyun and Yuta when they met with their children. They have now become their own daddy clique and have spent a lot of time together. But Johnny dreamed of a big family and he didn't want to waste time. It wasn't long before Johanna was pregnant again and she is currently in the 6th month.

"No party this time?" Jaehyun laughed and took a sip of his red wine. Johnny and Johanna came to you for dinner that evening. A few days ago, they get to know the gender of their child and they wanted to tell you two it today. "No, it was too stressful for us," said Johnny. "Yes, and my nausea hasn't stopped, and I need to rest." Johann stroked her big stomach and sighed. "It's unbelievable how every pregnancy is different, isn't it? I mean, you think the body is going through the same thing anyway, but there are always other symptoms." You smile and Johanna could only agree with you. "So tell us, will it be a boy or a girl?" Jaehyun looked impatiently at his friend. You've been curious all day and thinking about what it will be. "It's a boy!" Johnny raised his hands cheering in the air. "Ahh that's perfect. Then you also have a girl and a boy." You are incredibly happy for them. Johnny and Johanna looked at each other and grinned. They were clearly overjoyed.

Soobin regularly helped us with the children. When Jaehyun and I had to go away or go on a date, she was always ready. I'm really happy to have her as a babysitter. Miga was very excited about her and Sunoh accepted her...sometimes. But I noticed that she was concentrating on something else besides the children. She must have fallen in love with Jaehyun. When he was here, her behavior was completely different, she wore more make-up and dressed more elegantly, also a little bit sexy. I wasn't sure if it was a harmless crush from a 17-year-old girl or if I should be worried.

"Hello Mr. Jung." She smiled broadly and played with a strand of her hair. "Hi, Soobin. My wife is still upstairs and getting ready. Then we go." Jaehyun smiled gently and then turned back to Miga, who was sitting on his lap. Soobin put her things on the kitchen counter and watched Jaehyun play with his daughter. "Daddy again!" Miga squeaked with joy and Jaehyun nodded. "Where are you Miga, I'll catch you soon." Jaehyun wanted to grab his daughter, so she got his shirt up so that his bare torso was free and then hid down under his shirt. "Oh no! Where's my daughter? She was just there!" Jaehyun was super good at this game and Miga loved it. Then she raised his shirt again and grinned at her father. "Here I am Daddy!" This game repeated itself over and over again. Soobin was paralyzed. She couldn't help but stare at Jaehyun's naked torso all the time. And you see it when you go down the stairs with Sunoh. Soobin didn't even notice you but just stared at your husband's abs. And you knew it’s just a 17-year-old girl, but it kind of bothered you. Maybe because she was such a good babysitter and yet had an intimate look in your life. "Hello Soobin", you greeted her kindly and she was immediately startled. "Ms. Jung! Hello!" She lowered her head and turned away from you.

Sunoh was already 2 years old. It was incredible how time flies. Since Jaehyun was at home, he had a better connection with his father. Jaehyun took a lot of time for his son because he knew that he had missed a lot of him. Still, Sunoh had become extremely clingy. He only wants to be with me at the moment. It took a while for other people to interact with him. Even if I leave him every time, even if it is only 10 minutes to get something quickly, he started a drama and cried every time. By now Sunoh can say a few words, even 1-2 sentences. Miga also had more fun with him now because she could interact with her little brother much more. Jaehyun and I were especially proud when he took his first steps.

Miga was sitting on a small children's table and draw something. Jaehyun and you sit on the floor with Sunoh and play with him. He could stand alone for a while and he was getting better at it. "Come on, let's see if he can walk a little." Jaehyun smiled and took Sunoh. He immediately started to cry because he wanted to go back to his mother. You slide a little bit away from him and open your arms. "Come on Sunoh." You smile and he looked at you with his dark brown eyes as he sucked his fingers. Jaehyun set it up and slowly let him go. Sunoh was so fixated on you that he didn't even notice that he was standing alone. "Come to Mummy!" You smile and then it happened that you didn't think was possible. You just only wanted to try it, but he took a step forward, then another, the third already wiggled his legs and the fourth you catch your son. "Did you see that?" You hug Sunoh and look at Jaehyun. He put his phone aside and grinned. "Everything is recorded!" He slips closer to you and kisses Sunoh's head. "I'm so proud of you." He then stroked his son's back and then kissed you.

Miga is now 5 years old. She is so tall now, and she grew more and more in her role as a big sister. I’m so incredibly proud of her. But she is still very fixated on her father, I think that will never stop. The two have their own connection. But Miga was pretty successful in the entertainment industry. She starred in a few commercials and recently she had a role in a drama. There she plays the daughter of a single father. I just want Miga to do as much as she wants, but she really enjoyed acting. She was always looking forward to shooting days and everyone was amazed by her. Nevertheless, I still make sure that she doesn't do too much and still has a childhood. But when we first saw Miga in a drama, we were incredibly proud of her.

"Look, that's me." Miga points to the television and jumps up and down on the couch. "Yes, we can see that. But we also want to watch the show." Jaehyun took her and snuggled up to her. When you watched the drama you were so surprised that your daughter could act so well. She was really convincing. "Wow, Miga you did really great." You give your daughter a big kiss on the cheek. She giggled and blushed. "Was that fun for you?", asked Jaehyun and was quite perplexed because of her great talent. Miga started hopping on the couch again and nodded. "YESSSS!" She hopped on and spread kisses on Jaehyun. It looks like your daughter will probably become an actress.

Jaehyun had taken a step back after releasing his solo album. Johnny and Yuta also followed and that made things even easier for him. But Jaehyun was not completely out of the industry. He still moderated a music show on a regular basis, he was still a model and he participated in “The Return of the Superman” again. But he now had a lot more time for his children. He enjoyed this time and Miga and Sunoh grew more and more to him. I was also happy to have him around me, the times of his solo career were tough because he was almost never at home. But since Jaehyun was back, the house has been revitalized. Everything became more homely and familiar.

You were out the evening and come home after dinner. You can hear the TV running, but also noise in the kitchen. Then you hear little feet patting. You follow the steps and they guide you into the living room. It ran Frozen at the TV and Jaehyun was lying on the couch with Sunoh in his arms and two men were sleeping. But then you see how brown eyes with long eyelashes looked at you. "Miga, what are you doing?" You lean over and see how she just stuffed a fat cookie in her mouth. "Hey daddy, wake up." You shake Jaehyun and he sleepily opens his eyes. "What happened?" He looked around and you had to laugh. "Our daughter found the candy drawer." You sigh and lift Sunoh up. "Oh no, I fell asleep." Jaehyun scratched his head and looked at his children. It has not always been easy to take care of them and they use a lot of energy.

And for me ... a lot has happened, but somehow not. I started with training again. Jaehyun and I build in our house a small fitness room. I also found good friends in the neighborhood. They were all super kind and received me well. I tried also to get pregnant all year round. But it didn't work. As much as we tried, the tests were always negative. For a while, I was really sad about it, almost depressed. I focused too much on getting pregnant. My last low was when Johanna said that she was pregnant again. I couldn't stop crying that day. I found it unfair and I wanted nothing more than to have a child as well. But the pressure I put on it also put a little strain on the relationship with Jaehyun. Our sex life only focused on making a child. It became very platonic and functional. We also lost our desire for sex and I knew that this was not normal. We never were like that. Apparently, the time was not right for another child and I decided to take the pressure off myself and the relationship. At first, I thought about starting to work again, but my job was not really family-friendly. I decided to start studying. I always wanted to study law and I studied for the entrance exam all summer. And I was accepted. I have been studying in Seoul for over two months and I really enjoy it. I can watch some of the lectures at home and the seminars were mostly in the morning, where Jaehyun was always with the children anyway. It felt good to do something else again. I like to be a mother, of course, but studying is also incredibly good for me.

"Hey what are you doing?" Jaehyun came to you and stroked your shoulders. You close your laptop and smile. "Just something for the university." You lean your head back as his hands brushed all over your body. "I am so proud of you that you do it." Jaehyun put his lips on your neck and sucked on it. You close your eyes and enjoy his touch. Your sex life was platonic, but since you started studying, the pressure was gone and your sex became uninhibited and free as before. "Come over." Jaehyun picked you up and threw you into the sheets. He pulled up his shirt and leaned over you. No, your sex life was definitely no longer boring!!!

daddy jaehyun masterlist

#jaehyun #daddy jaehyun #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun imagines #jaehyun!dad au #jaehyun!dad #johnny!dad #yuta!dad #nct!dad au #nct!dad #nct #nct 127 #nct imagines #nct 127 imagines #nct scenarios #nct 127 scenarios

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

Text

[found at: eightfortysix]

Who are you? My name is Stephanie.

What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you? -I’ve been distant and withdrawn these past few years, but I’m just a mess and wrapped up in my own head and the shit I’m dealing with and haven’t been able to really be there for anyone. It’s not that I don’t care. -I get in very moody and irritable moods. -I’m always tired and feel drained.

Where do you want to be in 5 years? I don’t know.

Are you more child-like or childish? I think I’m still a child at heart. I also feel like one when I get in my moody moods and cry over the most ridiculous things.

What is the last thing you said out loud? “Goodnight.”

How do you handle a rainy day? I don’t do anything different unless I leave the house, in which case I’d just dress differently for the weather.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a teacher.

Are you more of a giver or a taker? I feel like I’ve been more of a taker these past few years.

Have you ever been given a second chance? Yes.

Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind? I think I do for the most part.

What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? The accident that made me a paraplegic.

Who have you hugged today? I haven’t hugged anyone today so far.

If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by learning, what would they be? I’d be fluent in Spanish, an amazing pianist, and something useful that I could use to be successful in life.

What 3 things do you want to do before you die? Get my shit together, do something worthwhile with my life, and travel. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing? Uhhh.

Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved? I’ve had mine saved.

What was the last thing you made with your own hands? I’m not crafty.

What was your favorite toy as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies.

What is your favorite thing to do outside? The only outdoor activity I enjoy is spending time at the beach.

How do you feel when you see a rainbow? It’s always pretty cool because it’s a rarity for me.

Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true? Certain things I’ve dreamt have happened, but not like aspiration dreams or anything serious.

What one thing have you done that most people haven't? Hmm. I can’t think of anything cool. I just keep thinking of negative things.

Are you a patient person? No.

What holiday should exist but doesn't? I don’t know.

What's the best joke you ever heard? I don’t know, man.

Is your hair natural or dyed? I dye it red, but it’s been almost a year so my natural hair color has outgrown quiteee a bit.

What is under your bed right now? Nothing.

If you drive do you frequently speed? I don’t drive.

What is the world's best song to dance to? There’s a ton of great, upbeat, perfect dance songs.

What song was on the last time you danced with someone? I haven’t danced with anyone.

Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers? I watch stuff from both, but I mean Disney will always hold a special place.

Would you consider yourself to be romantic? I haven’t had a chance to really find out.

If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off? We’d be swept away.

If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? I wanna live with Santa. haha.

Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television? I mean, I love music but I don’t listen to it as much as I used to. I love having favorite shows and movies to binge watch and obsess over. Ideally, I’d like to just keep both, though. Thanks.

What do you think makes someone a hero? People have their own ideas about what makes someone a hero.

What cartoon would you like to be a character in? Hmm. Can it be something Disney?

Name one thing that turns your stomach. The smell of old food.

What was the last thing you paid for? Bills. Bleh.

Get anything good in the mail recently? No. It’s died down since Christmas has ended.

Tell me some of your greatest fears. I’ve done this so many times in surveys; I don’t feel like it right now.

What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn? I haven’t worn anything eccentric. I keep it pretty simple.

Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet? Ew, noooo.

You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items... A tent, food, my phone.

List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most. I love my family, which includes my doggo. They’re all my number 1.

If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself...what would you wish for? The end of the pandemic, no one would have to ever go hungry, and no more violence.

How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in? I would never do that.

Have you ever been on the radio or on TV? I’ve been on the local news before. It was after my accident.

Have you ever named an individual part of your body? No.

Is there anyone you trust completely? Yes.

Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye? Yes.

Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool? I’d prefer an indoor pool instead of a jacuzzi.

Would you consider yourself to be intelligent? No.

Would you consider yourself to be wise? No.

Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring? No. That would be difficult for me to do anyway.

Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star? I really don’t want to be either of those things.

Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote? Not a love letter per se, but I’ve written someone a long message expressing exactly how I feel about them and the hurt I’ve felt and pretty much just laid everything out on the table.

Are you looking forward to any concerts right now? There aren’t concerts going on.

About how many emails do you get a day? Like 20-30ish.

Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country? Uh, I would never, ever hitchhike.

Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip? I would have a road trip with just people I know.

If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down? I don’t know. I just don’t feel a relationship is a good idea for me right now. It’s not my where my focus is. It’s not where my heart is.

Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time? It’s crossed my mind at times.

What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out? I’m excited for new Marvel movies, the new Halloween movie, and the new Scream movie. I look forward to seeing what else is coming out.

What's on your key chain besides keys? I actually only have one key, but I have a ton of keychains.

How do you feel about endangered species? It’s sad.

What was the last CD you bought? It’s been several years since I last bought a CD, so I don’t recall.

Would you be willing to go hang gliding? Noooo.

Have you ever taken a lock of someone else's hair? Uh, no.

Have you ever given anyone a lock of your hair? My mom has a lock of mine from when I had my first haircut as a baby.

If you had a locket what would you put inside? A photo of my family.

What is the difference (if any) between madness and brilliance? That makes me think of Jack Sparrow quote, “it’s remarkable how often these two traits coincide.”

Write any random sentence here Nah.

Say the sentence you wrote out loud. Did anybody answer?

If you were to hit redial on your phone right now, who would it call? I don’t think there’s a redial button, but the last person I called was my mom.

Miracle on 34th street: which is better the original or remake? I’ve actually never seen either one.

Have you ever been in a parade? No.

Do you turn the base up all the way in your car? The volume is at a reasonable level. Do you care if what you do annoys others? I mean, yes. Unless it was like, “it annoys me how much you drink coffee”, in which case I wouldn’t give a shit haha. You get the idea.

What keeps you from being happy? Depression.

Can you talk for one hour without using the word 'like'? *shrug* Maybe.

Why is it that a fly can't bird but a bird can fly? Because a bird is an animal and not an action.

What websites are addictive to you? Tumblr and YouTube.

Who do you love so much that you would clean live maggots out of their garb? I love my family more than anything, but... klsjfksjdflk I’d have to get someone else to do that I’m sorry. D:

Have you filled out an organ donor card? No.

How many oxymorons can you think of? Pretty ugly. I don’t feel like thinking of more.

How many years old is your diary/livejournal/myspace? I’ve had this survey Tumblr since 2014.

Would you ever wear vinyl pants? No.

What was the last thing that you printed out? I don’t even remember, it’s been a long time.

What are you dependent on? My family.

What do you look forward to each day? My first cup of coffee.

What did you think of the Columbine shootings? It was horrific.

What takes your breath away? Hm.

Have you done anything recently that you regret? Yes.

Will you ever do it again? I’m very stubborn.

In your opinion what gives people depth and character? Experiences?

What’s the name of your favorite band? Linkin Park.

Do you have an account on neopets.com? Aw, I did when I was a kid. I loved neopets.

Who is the next person you will hug? The only person I really hug is my mom.

Where was your last vacation to? Disneyland almost a year ago.

Where was your last car ride to? The doctor.

Where was your last bus ride to? I used to take it sometimes when I was in college.

Where did you last walk to? It’s been yearsss.

What is the worst band in the universe? I don’t know.

What is the next book you want to read? I’m about to start a new one called, “Anything For You” by Marissa Finch.

What gives you a peaceful feeling? Being at the beach watching and listening to the ocean waves crash in and out.

Do you ever stay up late watching infomercials? No, at night my TV is either on The Hallmark Channel, TVLand, or CMT. I remember back when I was a kid and the only thing on late at night was informercials, which really sucked when I was up late because I was sick or just couldn’t sleep. I’m glad there’s actual stuff on now on a lot of channels. But there’s also other options if there weren’t, like YouTube or a streaming services. I wish I had those as a kid.

Are you a light sleeper? Yes.

Are you a toys-R-us kid? “I don’t wanna grow up, cause I’m a Toys R Us kid.”

Are you part of the mile high club? No.

Would you rather be part cat, or part scorpion, and why? I’ll definitely go with the cat.

When you sleep next to someone who usually falls asleep first? I’m always last to fall asleep.

What is your usual breakfast? If I have breakfast it’s usually scrambled eggs with shredded cheese and spinach with guacamole on the side (guac and eggs are really good together). Lately, I’ve been really into breakfast sandwiches. I like to have either a croissant, english muffin, or sourdough bread with eggs, cheese, avocado, pesto, and cream cheese and 10/10 highly recommend. I also like eggs smothered with country gravy.

How quickly are you willing to take drugs to numb pain? It’s much worse to sit around and wait while it gets worse cause then the medicine takes even longer to kick in.

Have you ever had your car towed? I don’t have a car of my own.

Have you ever used Kool-Aid to dye your hair? No, but I remember a couple of my cousins did that when they were kids.

Would you rather be naked and famous or dressed and non-famous? Dressed and non-famous. This was an easy choice.

What band or singer do you believe started rock and roll? I don’t know.

If you had a large black vase what would you put in it? Flowers?

Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? City.

Would you ever participate in a 'sock hop'? No.

What’s your age? I’m 31.

What’s your hair color? I think this question has been in every survey I’ve done the past few days.

What’s your eye color? This one too.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long survey

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magpiemorality · 4 years

Text

On the sixth day of Christmas

Kid!Deceit, Patton, Kid!Roman, Kid!Remus, Virgil & Kid!Logan, Victorian(ish) AU. Roughly Victorian-ish setting. Young Daniel (Deceit) is sent away to the countryside for unknown reasons to stay with his Uncle Patton and his cousins Roman and Remus. These are excerpts from his diary, spanning from his arrival in the beginning of winter to Christmas day.

Six Geese A’Laying

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Dear diary.

I don't like it here. The farm is smelly and loud and the house is always dirty no matter how much I complain! My cousins are rowdy and disgusting and crude, and Remus in particular had developed a fondness for flinging animal dung at me whenever I'm forced out to help. He and Roman are the most boorish, awful boys I've ever met. Why did I have to be related to them?

It's not fair. I want to go back home but Uncle Patton says it's not possible right now, and that father is expecting me to stay until the new year at least, even though that's so long! I'm going to have the worst time ever.

Love,

Daniel

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Dear diary,

I hate it I hate it I hate it! I hate them! Roman keeps making fun of my birthmark and he won't stop even when I say so and when I pushed him over Uncle Patton was angry at me instead! I HATE IT HERE. They wouldn't even believe me when I said I was too sick to do my chores today- Uncle Patton says lying is bad but Roman and Remus do it all the time, especially when they've done something bad and want to blame me. I only do it sometimes, because they deserve it.

There was one good thing today- the man that looks after the horses in the barn let me ride the gelding for the first time. His name is Verjel (I think?) and he's very tall and very quiet and very polite. I told him it was nice to meet someone with some manners and respect in this dump and he just smiled and showed me how to feed the horses right so they don't bite your hand. I like the horses now.

Love,

Daniel

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Dear diary,

Roman is a total beast. He hid my gloves outside in the pig sty where they got utterly ruined, and then he refused to admit to it when Uncle Patton asked. It was really obvious it was him though, and Uncle Patton said he was in big trouble. He also said it was okay when I cried, but I made him promise not to tell anyone. He also said we could go and get some more in the market in a few days, but they won't be the same. Those were my special birthday gloves from father last year, and they were made in India I think. I don't think they'll have them in the market here in this nowhere town.

Virgil (I asked how to spell his name, he said I could find it in a book and he brought me the book yesterday so I could see it, but I'm not allowed to read the book yet because Uncle Patton says it's too scary for me) let me come and take the horses out today. I helped him pull them to the pasture in the early morning, and I got up especially for it! Uncle Patton said it was good to see me finally taking an interest, but I'm not really, it's only because Virgil is showing me the more grown up stuff. Remus isn't allowed to help with the horses yet, and Roman is a scaredy cat. I'm the only one Virgil lets work with him and I think it's neat.

Love,

Daniel

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Dear diary,

It's nearly Christmas and father has written me a letter! He says he will visit for Christmas day before he has to return to the manor to continue sorting things out. I don't know what things there are to sort out, but it sounds terribly important. Uncle Patton didn't look very happy when he read his letter, but he wouldn't tell me why. He said he was excited to hear about father's visit, but I think he was lying. Why do grown ups do that so much, and then tell us off for it?

Remus was nice to me today. He said it was very impressive that I was allowed to help with the horses so much, and he helped me carry the tack (that's what Virgil calls the saddle and the bridle and the reins and things) back to the tack room. I said I would ask if Virgil would let him ride the gelding for Christmas maybe. I hope he says yes- Remus looked very happy and it was really nice.

Love,

Daniel

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Dear diary,

Father is delayed. He was meant to arrive the night before Christmas, but he sent word that he was stuck at home still. Roman said it meant he wasn't coming because I'm not important enough, and I hit him. Uncle Patton was very upset with both of us, but it was all Roman's stupid fault! Of course I'm important enough! Roman is a poop head and I will never like him. Uncle Patton said Roman was just upset because his father is no longer around, but he wouldn't explain what that meant and I think he was lying again because he likes Roman more, because Roman is the best at milking the cows.

When father arrives I will tell him how mean Roman has been (Remus is my friend now so not him) and he will take me far away from here. I will miss Remus and Virgil a little bit, but I miss my room and my gloves and my butler so much more. I will not miss Roman. I might miss Uncle Patton a little bit, but only if he's not mean to me again before then.

Love,

Daniel

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Dear diary,

Father is unable to come for Christmas. I think I may run away.

Daniel

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Dear diary,

I'm in big trouble and I might not be allowed to help Virgil with the horses again. Uncle Patton has banned me going anywhere without him after I nearly froze to death in the barn. Which isn't true! I was just fine sleeping there and I was just a bit cold, and Virgil found me right away in the morning! Uncle Patton was really angry though, and he cried a bit which was strange, and even Roman has been very quiet recently. I was only in bed asleep for two days, not even half a week! I was just really tired, I don't know why they're blaming me.

Remus made me a drawing when I was in bed. It's really ugly but I love it. It has me, Remus, Virgil and the gelding in a field fighting an evil dragon that has eaten lots of people. It's a bit horrid but it makes me happy to see it anyway. Roman hasn't spoken to me at all. I wonder if he's sick too?

Love,

Daniel

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Dear diary,

Roman had a horrible nightmare last night. It woke everyone up, and even Remus was crying about it. Uncle Patton promised it was just a bad dream but Roman didn't eat any breakfast and Remus was acting weird after they had private twin time and talked about it. I think they talked about it, anyway. Uncle Patton says there are some things that aren't meant to be shared and that I mustn't ask what it's about, because if Roman wants to tell me he will. I think that's silly- he never wants to tell me anything! So how will I know what's going on if I don't ask?

Father sent a gift ahead of Christmas to say sorry. I have put it under the tree and I'll open it when he should have been here. Why couldn't he come for one day? I asked Virgil and he says it's only a medium long trip, and can be done in a day in the carriage. Then he said I must promise him to tell him if I want to go away anywhere so he can help me, and I did. I won't go anywhere though. Father didn't put anything in his message about when I was sick. Maybe Uncle Patton didn't tell him? He would probably have come if he knew.

Love,

Daniel

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Dear diary,

Tomorrow is Christmas. The animals are in the barn and we all went to sing carols at the church down the lane, and me and Remus and Roman sat on the gelding while Virgil and Uncle Patton walked. It was really pretty inside and everyone was really jolly and there were mince pies and another boy named Logan played chase with us so it was really fun. It was really late because it was called midnight mass and I was so tired I fell asleep on the gelding and Virgil had to piggy back me home instead. Then we all had a sleepover in Remus and Roman's room, after we put our stockings out and some carrots out for the reindeer. I hope I don't get coal- Remus says he knows someone who got coal once, but he never has even though he's not always good at not being naughty. I used to hope Roman would get coal, but he's been a lot nicer since I was sick and I think we could be nearly friends now. So I don't hope he gets coal.

I wish father were here to blow out the candle. Uncle Patton doesn't do it quite right. But he's here to do it now anyway, so goodnight.

Love,

Daniel

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Dear diary,

I had the best Christmas ever! There was a big turkey to eat and no one got any coal and I got some new gloves from Roman and Remus and a book about horses from Uncle Patton and the bestest of all was from Virgil- I got my own horse riding boots! They're not new but they almost fit really well and they're shiny because Virgil cleaned them lots and he says we can add extra socks to make sure I can wear them right away! Father's gift was just a toy car but I'm not grateful, even if Uncle Patton says I should be. I gave it to Roman because he likes cars and he gave me a hug. It was nice.

When we went outside to play in the snow I was on Roman's team against Remus and we won, and then we switched and I was with Remus and we won again! I think I'm good at snowball fights. Virgil told us all a story after dinner and we went out to collect the eggs, and Uncle Patton made a funny joke about the geese, but they don't lay eggs at Christmas time, Logan told me that when we met, so I don't know why it was funny.

I love it here. I never want to leave ever!

Love,

Daniel

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12 Days of Sides-mas Masterpost

#deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #patton sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #sanders sides #sanders side fic #my writing #ts sanders sides #12 days of sidesmas #writing challenge #kid fic #tw: child abandonment

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baneismydragon · 6 years

Text

The not so secret diary of Gabriel Agreste

Because I needed some crack in my life. This is a gift for @geek-fashionista who requested my joke idea become a fic.

And because writing ridiculous Gabe content cheers me up and I needed a good pick me up. (Hopefully this will get me back in the mood to finish the next chapter of Cut from the Same cloth. If nothing else it felt good to really sit down and write again.)

Anyways- enjoy.

The not so secret diary of Gabriel Agreste

(Edited and catalogued by Nathalie Sancoeur)

March 18th

So apparently driving 4 employees to a nervous breakdown in the span of 2 weeks is a problem to my board of directors. They claim it’s ‘not good for the company’. Also, apparently, backhanding one of them during the meeting for suggesting I ‘take a leave of absence to deal with the loss of your wife’ counts as assault.

To avoid charges, and more importantly a forced sabbatical, I have agreed to see a therapist. Hence this ridiculous writing exercise. Oh well. At least it is only one wasted hour a week as opposed to several months of sitting in my house, watching them drive my company into the ground with their ineptitude.

March 25th-

My therapist says that I have a problem.

Of course I have a problem! My wife is missing. Honestly, I have to pay this man?

He says that I need to be ‘focused on healing and rebuilding a new sense of normalcy instead of lashing out at the people around me.’

Well perhaps if the people around me weren’t so incompetent I wouldn’t need to lash out so much.

Nathalie- does it count as attending my therapy sessions if I send a proxy in my place? Please investigate.

March 30th-

My therapist has informed me that I am developing an obsession, and that he is concerned that the loss of my wife and my need to get her back is driving me to an unhealthy dissociative state.

Well maybe that’s why it is so important that I get her back. Did you ever think of that? Then I won’t need to waste my time adjusting to my new circumstances, because everything can just go back to the way it was. It’s really not that complicated. For someone whose job it is to ‘help me cope with my grief’ he is quite the pessimist. He keeps insisting we discuss the possibility of if she never comes back. Thank God these sessions are only an hour long, I don’t need to get charged with assault again.

April 1st-

I told my therapist that his advice was working and that I have completely seen the error of my ways.

And Nathalie says I have a terrible sense of humor.

The crushed look on his face when I pointed out the date was priceless.

Nathalie- make sure we are having fish for dinner, Adrien will appreciate the humor even if you don’t.

April 9th-

I had the portrait artist come in today so that we could replace the family portrait at the top of the staircase. I pre-selected our mourning ensembles and Adrien was miserable the whole time. The artist asked me if he should take some artistic licence with our expressions. I asked him if he valued his commission. The finished work was a perfect testament to the state of misery in this house. Hopefully this will serve as an adequate reminder to anyone who thinks it’s acceptable to attempt to inform me that ‘things are never as bad as they seem.’

My therapist says this is yet another sign of my increased megalomania. I think that it isn’t my fault that more people don’t have the resources to afford appropriate decor for their homes based on the emotional environment. Given what I am having to pay out for these worthless sessions I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a half dozen portraits of his own scattered around some poorly decorated eyesore he calls a home.

Nathalie- please arrange for some new backlighting for the updated portrait. Either some cool blue tones or perhaps some purple.

April 14th-

Today my therapy session consisted of discussing my childhood. On the bright side I sketched out two new designs while I tuned out his prattle.

Nathalie- you owe me 20 Euro. I told you it would take less than a month for him to try the Freudian approach.

April 21st-

Yesterday was the runway launch of the new Spring line. Not some of my best work to be honest but still a far sight better than anything else released this season. Maybe the Italians will give me some competition this year at least.

One of the reporters asked if the line was being dedicated to my ‘late wife’. I ask him if he was going to dedicate this interview to his soon to be late career?

Of course Adrien heard the whole thing and has been in a mood ever since, although he didn’t let it affect his performance. Even as a child, he is more professional than a fair percentage of my staff. I am prodigiously proud of him. Now if only he would stop being so emotional. It isn’t good for him. He spent the entire morning and afternoon holed up in his room listening to angst ridden J-pop and ordering mint fudge ice cream from the kitchen staff.

My therapist says that I need to be making an effort to empathize with his grief instead of fixating on my own, and compensate more in my new role as a single parent.

Clearly the stress of this show has addled my brain because I stupidly attempted to follow his advice.

After a pre-scheduled family dinner I patted Adrien on the shoulder and told him that I promises that things will get better.

He stared at me for a few seconds like I had grown a second head, before hugging onto me like a barnacle and bursting into tears.

Wonderful.

I managed to send my own child into hysterics.

This is the sort of disaster that comes from listening to the advice of idiots.

April 22nd-

Adrien seems to have recovered from last night’s meltdown rather admirably. Thank God children bounce back from these sorts of setbacks. I am glad to see that my poor judgement in following my therapist's advice doesn’t seem to have caused any permanent damage. Now I can go back to the important business of figuring out how to bring his mother back instead of wasting everyone’s time with pointless platitudes. Really that is the much smarter approach.

It’s like I tell my employees- if you just fix the mistake you won’t have to spend your energy explaining why it was there in the first place. No one will care how many failures you went through to get there- all that matters is the end result.

Speaking of failures, what was I thinking when I chose the dining room furniture? It’s hideous.

Nathalie- remind me to set aside time to purchase a new dining set.

April 30th-

She has been gone for exactly 100 days.

May 9th-

Today is my 20th Wedding anniversary.

It was storming today. My therapist asked me how that made me feel.

I told him- wet.

I don’t think he appreciated my answer.

May 12th-

I have fired my therapist.

No the answer to my problems is not to ‘move on and accept my loss and just be grateful for each new day.’ What sort of idiotic attitude is that? If I approached my life according to the advice of this degenerate I would be designing pink sequins party dresses for some mass produced tween fashion label. Even worse, the toad-faced troll had the audacity to suggest that I should consider arranging for Adrien to have his own therapy sessions. As if my child needs any sort of support from a second rate psychoanalyst with delusions of grandeur.

Good riddance. Besides, 2 months of this charade should be more than enough to satisfy the board.

Nathalie- make arrangement for a private investigator to look into his business. Perhaps we can do the world a favor and get his licence revoked.

May 14th-

I have decided to keep this diary. I find writing about the stupidity of others quite therapeutic.

Nathalie please find a more appropriately color coordinated journal in which to properly transcribe my entries.

May 17th-

I have hired a bodyguard for Adrien. He keeps trying to sneak out, and I can’t keep losing Nathalie for hours at a time while she chases him down. I don’t understand why he is so desperate to go out and meet other people. Hasn’t he figured out by now that very few people are actually worth meeting? Clearly the stress of losing his mother is clouding his judgement. I’ll arrange for Nathalie to get a few more of those arcade machines he enjoys so much to be shipped in. Hopefully that will help keep him distracted.

Meanwhile, perhaps I should up his modeling engagements. After all, throwing oneself into one's work does provide some temporary solace. It’s certainly the best plan I have come up with so far.

May 22nd-

Adrien’s new Bodyguard has caught him attempting to sneak out twice. Both times he sent me a text informing me that the incident had been taken care of and requesting an appropriate stipend for the installation of new security cameras.

This is clearly the best hiring decision I have made in years.

Adrien may be the closest thing to perfection in this world but alas, children will be children, so I am glad I have some competent staff to manage him until he grows out of it. I believe this teenaged need to rebel in light of our recent family tragedy is what the media refers to as ‘Emo’. I will make some calls to the main office to have more of our black pieces added to his wardrobe. And my ex therapist said I ‘wasn’t paying attention to my sons needs.’ Ha.

June 3rd-

Still no progress in my plan. This morning I woke up from a dream and I couldn’t remember if that is what my wifes laugh actually sounded like.

I can’t live like this. I won’t live like this.

June 5th-

Nathalie I will take dinner in my office. Also I am not to be disturbed for the rest of the weekend.

June 10th-

Feeling infinitely better today.

It has been uncovered that my recently disgraced ex-therapist was having an affair, and with a former patient no less! Clearly he was taking out his own frustrations with his own failed marriage out on me.

Unlike that hypocritical cow, I will preserve my family no matter what impediments I may face. I knew I was right all along. Still, it’s nice to have outside validation.

Nathalie- be sure to send a sizable bonus to the private investigator, as well as a nice fruit basket.

June 17th-

Adrien had a piano recital today. It was exceptional of course. I do wish he had chosen something other than Chopin. Really, is this emo phase going to carry over into everything he does?

I will have to send a message to his bodyguard to start monitoring his packages for hair dye.

Apparently he didn’t approve of me leaving as soon as his piece was over. I don’t see why. It’s not like I have any interest in the other performers and I already paid my admission so it’s no loss to the institution. Children can be so demanding.

Nathalie- make a note, the next time I am required to attend one of these functions make sure I have a tablet with me.

June 23rd-

Why have I still not replaced that dining room table?

July 2nd-

On the plane to London because apparently the instructions “just recreate the exact same show we did a month ago” are too complicated for my employees.

I am doubly glad that I hired a bodyguard for Adrien since he is ill and will not be joining us on this trip.

Hopefully I shouldn’t be gone more than a day or so.

July 6th-

Still in London. Apparently I underestimated just how moronic people can be. I miss my wife. She always knew how to get people to do what I needed them to do with causing them to burst into tears.

She also would have appreciated my puns.

Once I get her home I swear I am going to reward myself with an entire month of not having to speak to anyone whose surname isn’t Agreste.

Except for Nathalie, of course.

July 10th-

Finally home. Adrien has made a full recovery.

He spent all of dinner expounding on the merits of something called ‘MOBA’s. I’ve found it best to just nod and pretend like I understand what he is talking about when he goes on these tangents.

Nathalie- please get me the definition for the term Noob.

July 15th-

I am truly at my wits end. Between my lack of progress on my search for my wife and my constant set backs at the company I am for all intents and purposes trying to go up a creek without a paddle.

Nathalie is less than thrilled with me at the moment as I have taken to locking myself in the office with my cellphone and computer turned off. She doesn’t seem to appreciate having to slide notes under the door.

July 22nd-

Nathalie Sancoeur is the only person to whom I am not related by blood or marriage whom I would make an effort to save during a zombie apocalypse. (Adrien’s current favorite pastime is discussing how he would react to various ridiculous survival scenarios with his bodyguard, or more accurately at his bodyguard.)

She suggested that given my frustrations with some of my staff perhaps some personnel changes were in order.

There is nothing quite so satisfying as telling a worthless employee that they should pack up their desk and go.

I am quite confident that none of the individuals fired today would survive a zombie apocalypse.

Nathalie- please give yourself a 2% raise. It might come in handy for purchasing supplies when we are under siege by an army of the undead.

July 28th-

Adrien had his friend Mllm Bourgeois over again today. He has asked if he can be allowed to attend public school with her this term.

I told him that if Miss Bourgeois is an example of the merits of a public school education I would sooner be tarred and feathered than let him within 50 feet of said institution.

He seems to believe that going to school would allow him the opportunity to make new friends- so I suppose I can at least see the appeal. Though, after observing his interactions today I am amazed he doesn’t simply swear off friendship altogether.

Nathalie- look into putting together some sort of dossier of suitable young people with whom Adrien could potentially associate. Perhaps we can arrange to have some on call for social engagements in the future.

July 29th-

Adrien is not speaking to me today. He has locked himself in his room. Why is everyone in this family so sensitive?

Apparently ‘you can’t just buy friends.’

Clearly he has never been involved in politics.

August 2nd-

Adrien is still angry at me. Fine, if he wants to get into a petty game of who can ignore the other longer I will play his game. He’ll learn that no one beats me when it comes to the silent treatment, just like his mother did. The most she ever made it was 3 days. We will see if Adrien fairs any better.

August 3rd-

Upon further reflection, at the end of those three days I ended up with a broken nose when my wife punched me in the face. Perhaps I should rethink my strategy.

Nathalie- schedule a family meeting to discuss Adrien’s grievances. Tell him it will save time if he prepares a list of his complaints and proposed solutions for me to consult before the start of the negotiations.

August 6th-

Adrien is visiting with his friend Mllm Bourgeois so I am taking the opportunity to go through and organize my wife’s belongings. (The staff has been forbidden from disturbing anything but it is starting to get a bit dusty.) It is best to do this while Adrien is gone as I don’t know if I can tolerate another weekend of melancholy foreign ballads blasting from his room. Or worse that new Jagged Stone album I was foolish enough to order for him as a reward for winning his last fencing competition. I swear that man sounds like a beached whale screaming its way through a slow and agonizing death. I don’t know what Adrien sees to admire in it.

At least his attempted breakouts seem to have come to a temporary halt. Either the efforts of his bodyguard have finally tempered his resolve or he is secretly plotting some sort of elaborate scheme and is trying to lure us into a false sense of security.

I guess we will see how much he takes after me.

Nathalie- make sure all of Adrien’s electronic devices are equipped with GPS tracking.

August 8th-

Still slowly working my way through the cleaning process. The latest edition of some video fighting game arrived for Adrien so he has been conveniently occupied by that. It’s getting harder to face him knowing that I am still no closer to having an answer as to how to get his mother back, not that he asks. He has always been far too kind for his own good.

Still, it is a parent’s job to do what is ultimately best for their children and for the first time in my life I find myself spectacularly failing.

No matter how many hours I spend locked in my office I am still no closer to a concrete plan.

At least Adrien has stopped trying to accompany when I am in there. It’s too hard enough coping with my own failure without my son having to bare witness.

I will figure out a way. I did not get where I am today without being willing to fight for what I want. And once I am successful all of this will just seem like a bad dream. Both for me and for my son.

August 9th-

I never realized just how much of a hoarder my wife was until I took on this project. How many souvenirs does one woman need?

There is an entire suitcase from our last trip to Tibet that she didn’t even bother to unpack.

I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

Nathalie- reschedule my lunch with the mayor. Until after the election if at all possible. 4 months isn’t an unreasonable delay for a man with my obligations.

August 10th-

It seems that there is some truth to the concept that one should actually OPEN the boxes one acquires. I now have in my possession a strange magical creature named Nooroo who seems optimistic in his belief that he can help me in my quest to restore my family. It seems I will have the chance to turn into some sort of super powered empath with the ability to grant powers to others to help combat the forces of evil in this world. Seems like a rather dubious power. Most people are insufferably dim and couldn’t be trusted with a butter knife much less magical enhancements. Still, it is the first positive news in months. I tried opening the other box with the peacock pin but after 10 seconds of the creature crying upon being awakened I have decided to simply return it to dormant and lock it in the safe. Perhaps it will be useful later but for now one miraculous should be more than sufficient.

Nathalie- In light of my new associate we will need a few changes to the house. Additional security, new curtains, as well as some additions to the kitchen inventory. I will upload a list to your PDA.

August 12th-

And Everyone told me I would never have a use for a secret lair. Well I showed them. I have asked Nathalie to arrange for a large shipment of butterflies to be installed for ambiance. I have also brought in a private contractor to hide the control panel. The last thing I want in for Adrien to stumble upon any of this and get the idea to become some sort of hero vigilante. Honestly I don’t know where that boy gets his ridiculous flair for the dramatic. It must be from his mother. Meanwhile I have decided to keep Nooroo dormant for a little while. He keeps wanting me to talk to him about my feelings. If I wanted to do that I wouldn’t have fired my therapist.

August 20th-

Lair is finally ready to go. I realize though that perhaps I should read the instruction manual that came with the miraculous before I attempt to utilize unpredictable magical powers.

Nathalie- please arrange for a large pot of coffee and my favorite armchair to be placed in the lair this afternoon.

August 30th-

Apparently translating ancient codes with no resources or starting point whatsoever is, in fact rather difficult. I supposed I should ask Nooroo for assistance.

#my writing #my fanfiction #crack #ml spoilers #ml season 2 #Gabriel Agreste #And I thought my last one was bad...#why do I write these things?

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academiablogs · 6 years

Text

Yes, It’s All About You (in Writing, Anyway)

I recently noticed that in every one of my novels—five of them now—there’s at least one “letter scene.” Sometimes two. These are scenes where we watch someone write a letter, and what is written, as well as what the character imagines writing, becomes an important part of the story. Letters fascinate me for a number of reasons, though chiefly because we tend not to write them anymore. But imagine a world where people only really spoke through letters, since in society you were carefully monitored, especially as a woman, with family members forever watching you, making sure you were doing your duty and never going too far. To speak your mind to someone you cared for could only be done in a letter, and even then, it had to be done carefully, meticulously. And once delivered, the letter was a precious object, a one-of-a-kind artistic creation that only one other person in the world possessed.

Imagine how different that is today, when even e-mails are never private. We never possess the actual first draft of someone’s thoughts. Being able to see someone’s handwriting and imagine the pressure they placed on a specific word or letter speaks as loudly as the letter itself. In short, to write a letter was to escape from the strictures of society and speak unfettered, truly naked before one other person, be it a friend, a lover, a parent, or a child. You could act, you could quibble, you could even lie in a letter...but it was so much easier for the reader to see the truth.

Since I write fantasy set hundreds of years ago in an alternative past, letter writing is how my characters see the world. In many of the great novels of the past, letters frame an important moment for the characters—think of Elizabeth Bennet’s letter from Darcy in Pride and Prejudice or more humorously, the letter delivered to Malvolio in Twelfth Night. We love these meta moments in fiction, allowing us to read a character in the act of reading, or even better, envision a writer writing about a character themselves trying to put words on a page. As writers, many of us enjoy this, too, since it reflects our own frustrations and doubts about writing. We want to see our own creations struggle with the same problems we do, since they are, in a sense, versions of us. We want to see them cross out words, not find the right words, or not be able to write at all. Perhaps we merely want our characters to suffer the same hell they put us through?

Or should I say, I want to see this, since my books are fundamentally pieces of my own autobiography. So often when I’m writing, there are two kinds of passages: (a) passages that move the story along in some fundamental way and (b) passages that allow me to look at myself in a mirror. The letter scenes are exactly that, and I dash them off like nobody’s business. No Writer’s Block here, just sheer fun and inspiration. The “a” passages are much harder to write and I tirelessly revise them, often losing inspiration in the process. Of course, this begs the question: if the “b” passages are more autobiographical and so much easier to write, are they really all that good? Are you merely indulging in some shameless diary entries or budget psychoanalysis? After all, everyone has an equivalent to my “letter scenes” where they get to indulge in subject matter that is the verbal equivalent of a warm bath. You sink into the words and lose yourself in a bliss of self reflection/satisfaction.

I would argue that every novel (or any kind of writing) needs both passages, “a” and “b.” Maybe a little more of “a,” but the “b’s” make the story. Because a story without your unique stamp as a writer and thinker is no story at all. You have to play to your strengths as a writer and know what motivates you and allows you to get inside the mind of your character(s). The powers-that-be always say, “write what you know,” but that doesn’t necessarily mean “write about someone like you in a place like the one you live in,” etc. It means write about the things that make you excited about the world around you; those things that make you understand your fellow man and woman; the ideas that make character seem alive rather than cardboard cut-outs or convenient tropes. For that reason, a letter scene in my novels helps me ground my characters and truly talk to one another—and quite often, discover what they really want and who they truly are.

In my novel, The Winged Turban, the main character is trapped in an earlier time and appears there as the spitting-image of another character’s lost love. Clearly, she is not this woman, and yet everyone is convinced that she is, to the point that she begins questioning who she is, too—all the more so, that she begins remembering shards of the centuries-deceased woman’s life. She eventually allows herself to believe that she could, possibly, have a life with Charles, but only if such a life is based on the truth; he has to know who she is, or was, if they can ever mean anything together. How could she tell him this? Through a simple conversation? A series of them? Or...a letter?

The Crystal Ball by Waterhouse, 1902. I caught myself here, since I knew I was falling back on my old bag of tricks. And yet, this is what made the story exciting for me: that a woman who was falling in love had to convince herself, and the man she loved, that they weren’t fooling each other. That they could actually see one another for who they were, rather than what they might have been. The story became much more personal for me at this moment, since I understood what she wanted and why she couldn’t let herself have it. So I wrote a letter, probably the letter I, myself, would have written in her shoes. But I did it in her voice, and the result is pasted below, and I continue to think it one of the more successful parts of the novel:

[From Chapter 32]

Beatrice slumped against the wall, feeling trapped in more ways than one. In her mind she had already written most of the letter; the question would be which parts to leave out.

Dear Charles,

You once dropped a glove to catch my heart. You caught it: I gave you everything a young girl could give, all her dreams and secrets. I think this letter is my own glove, what I fear to give voice to and can only place in a letter. Read this before you see me again, and if your feelings still hold, then I will try to accept myself as Isabella, though I fear I can never be what she was for you.

Here is the truth: I am a married woman from another land. Married by contract, of course, but married nonetheless. I am the Duchess of a great estate, of a great family. Though the match was never consummated, it is only a matter of time, and I must do my duty. Should I return, I would have to be his wife, the wife of a man I’ve only met once and can scarcely recall in my head. I would have to forget everything I am and hope to be, and of course everything I’ve seen and experienced with you.

But what if I didn’t return? What if I stayed here and forgot who I was and who I married? Would you accept me? Would you hide me? Would you help me forget? Of course you could never forget, and by coming here I am breaking my vows, shaming my family and offending the gods. I would never be accepted in the world to come. But I would risk that, if only to be here with you. Even if I only lasted a year, that year would be worth an eternity of whatever followed. Because I could remember that once upon a time someone loved me and claimed me for his own. I would do this. But I can’t ask this of you.

And yet I am asking you. I don’t dare ask it to your face, so I write it here, for you to find when I am gone. I hope you will pick it up, but if not, you’ve already given me a glimpse at a beautiful life, one I will carry with me forever, whether I’m Beatrice or Isabella. I await your answer...

Beatrice shuddered at the thought of writing it all down. No, she could never do it. He would never agree.

#amwriting #writing advice #bookish #writer's life #writing process

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fmdtaeyongarchive · 6 years

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January 1, 2018: Soundcloud user kwonsongs uploaded a new audio: “New Year’s Day (cover)”

date: december 30, 2017

word count: 1,889 without lyrics

summary: really just me making up for never doing the cover festival para on ash combined with your run of the mill “new year, new me” para. it’s not super important character development but i wanted to establish kinda where he is as the year starts and he’s being emo again and this really might make more sense if i posted the other self-para with stuff that happens before this self-para but that would be too logical, right?

notes: i really wrote a self-para with taylor swift lyrics in it. f/anfi/ction.net is shaking. anyway this takes the place of that one para i wrote in october as my least favorite piece of writing even though it took a month and a half to write. just me.... constantly outdoing myself for the worse.

“Hold on to the memories; they will hold on to you.”

The night is darkest just before the dawn was a cliche Ash had repeated to himself (and had sung to him in slightly different words by Florence + the Machine through his headphones) numerous times in the past few years . He clung to the times it’d been proven right, but he’d seen how once the dawn had passed into the joyful brightness of mid-day, it could only go back downhill from there. He wanted to hope 2018 would be the dawn followed by a long summer day after the darkness of the past two years, but hope was hard to come by these days.

Time to sit down and record covers was rare lately, too. Two had been uploaded in December before his album dropped, but they’d been recorded in the two months before. Usually he’d play keyboard to accompany himself after picking the song and working out the legal licenses, but he just couldn’t do this one without a piano, so he’d gotten special permission to use one of the BC vocal lesson rooms to sit down at a real piano in a room with good acoustics. His hands ghosted over the black and white keys and he smiled to himself at the all too familiar press of his fingers on each one.

This was his home, more so than a music show stage or even a dance practice room. He’d never felt more comfortable than behind a piano. He’d been playing piano for longer than his memory went back. After eighteen years, it was the most natural thing for his body to do, more than breathing itself. There’d been a time he’d thought his destiny laid with the instrument in front of him. Becoming a world famous pianist wasn’t the most practical dream in this day and age, but when he was only a kid, it was what he’d wanted and he’d been too optimistic to doubt himself.

He couldn’t see that little kid in himself anymore.

Ash sat down at the bench and played the song’s first few notes to make sure the instrument was tuned. Recording his covers could often be an emotional ordeal sinc he rarely wasted his time with songs he couldn’t connect to. His soundcoud account was the closest thing to a diary he had other than his own songwriting notebooks. Millions of people could listen to them, but would they ever know who his love songs and songs of heartbreak went out to? Hansol. Daeun. Yoonah. His feelings for all three of them over the past two years had been documented on the public platform, but he’d never even told them they were about them, much like he didn’t tell them about most of the original songs he’d composed with them in mind. Music, whether it be written by others or written by himself, spoke volumes more than plain words ever could. It was more intimate and vulnerable than a simple exchange of words. Something so real was bound to frighten even the bravest of hearts, something Ash had never claimed to have.

Ash’s love of Taylor Swift songs had become so well-known that it was nearly a joke now, but he’d connected with the song he was going to play from the first time he’d heard it. For all of the dramatic and unrealistic notions he had of romance, the simple idea of an enduring love was one that appealed him to most now after so much self-inflicted heartbreak. On a deeper level than romance, he wanted to be a good person to everyone he loved in any sense. Not just his boyfriend, but also his friends and his parents. His nature had long led him to run from conflict, but he never wanted to be the type of person who hurt others because of his selfishness ever again.

It was a vast improbability that his wish would come to fruition. Ash had never wanted to hurt others, but he still did, so why should he think he could change? It was a flaw in the code of his nature that he was still struggling desperately to accept, but he didn’t have to accept it today. He just had to open up for the sake of music.

The song was easy to play, which was a godsend since he still felt weak from the night before. Life went on and this would help him, he hoped. Music was therapy when the universe didn’t allow him time for the real kind. But he could only rely on a substitute for so long before it ruined him.

The expensive audio recording set up had already been arranged, so he let a few moments of silence linger in the air after hitting record before he deftly began the one bar intro.

“There's glitter on the floor after the party. Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby. Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor. You and me from the night before but...”

The words flowed from his diaphragm as naturally as a nursery rhyme. The beginning was easy to get through, a visualization of the words taking over his mind. He hadn’t been to many parties, at least not the kinds of ragers at fraternities people his age were supposed to be going to. He’d been to plenty of stuffy industry events where there was no glitter and no Polaroids, only fake smiles and the bright flash of press cameras. Recently, he’d also been to plenty of clubs, with their strobe lights and deafening bass, but that was a hollow substitute. Parties with real laughter and a large group of close friends genuinely enjoying being in each other’s company were a distant dream to him. If he could stop pushing people away, would that help him live the idealistic image of his early twenties or was that another sacrifice he’d laid at the altar of BC Entertainment almost nine years ago with no hope of ever experiencing?

“Don’t read the last page. But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you’re turning away.”

The song began to hit home much earlier than he would have liked. How tempting it would be to be able to know how everything ended in advance. At the end of his life, would he be happy? Would he finally know what happiness was? Would he grow old with someone who could somehow love him despite his never-ending failures or would he continue to disappoint everyone? Would he still be remembered as nothing more than the list of labels that his scandals had branded him with? Attention-seeker. Womanizer. Playboy. Cradle robber. An embarrassment.

Would he continue to sabotage the relationships that meant the most to him? Would his friends admit they only kept him around because they had pitied him and finally leave him for good?

Would he end up truly as alone as he already felt on his worst nights, an isolated man with nothing to keep him going?

His fingers tensed as he played, but he continued, his eyes falling closed as he bit the inside of his bottom lip to center himself. He couldn’t let his thoughts go there. Not now. He needed to get this cover out.

“I want your midnights, But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day.”

Ash’s New Year’s Eve would be spent on a broadcast, but the idea of a trashed room wasn’t unfamiliar to him. After the adrenaline of brushing lips with someone who tasted as much of wine as he did when the clock hit twelve passed, so came the hangover. Hangovers were a normal side effect of life for Ash by now. During his album promotions, he’d pushed through a pounding head and dry throat to do an early show recording a few times. It wasn’t professional and it wasn’t pleasant, but he was beginning to feel he didn’t owe BC the former and the latter was a feeling too uncommon in his line of work to start with.

“You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi. I can tell that it's going to be a long road. I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe. Or if you strike out and you're crawling home.”

The lyrics hadn’t affected him so much when he was practicing, but now it felt like his chest was shaking from the weight of the words he was singing. Ash wished he wasn’t recording so that he could let himself cry, to obstruct the words before they left his lips, but he’d been crying too much lately that he didn’t know he had it in him anymore.

Being loved had always been Ash’s source of validation. He wasn’t unaware of that fact. He didn’t know where it came from; it wasn’t as if he’d been left wanting for love and affection in his childhood, and yet he so badly needed people to care about him. But when they did, he told himself they’d see the light sooner or later. Every time, he hoped it would happen before he could ruin it like he always did. In the moment he had love, it was nice, but it was a vicious cycle and the true satisfaction that he yearned for it never came.

Naked sincerity rang in his words still. He lived for love when there was so little else to live for, and he sang the verse with every last atom of his being meaning the words he recited, but his mind never let his heart be at peace. He didn’t deserve to sing those words. He’d abandoned so many people at different times, in different ways.

And he’d been abandoned in turn back when his scandal had broken. Friends and acquaintances had stopped contacting him because he was a star plummeting to the ground from a spot in the sky that had been so delicate to begin with. People he’d thought liked him for him revealed they were fair-weather friends only interested in his status as a member of BC’s current hot boy group. That’s all he was to many. All he’d ever be. To the public, status as a living, breathing human was the only thing with which being in Knight hadn’t gifted him. “Three strikes, you’re out turned into “one strike, you’re unforgivable”.

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you. Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you. Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you. And I will hold on to you.”

Blocking out everything he was feeling so that he could get through the song wasn’t going to happen. Sometimes Ash felt incomparably numb and sometimes he experienced so many emotions it felt like he’d burst, but those were the only two options lately and he had no control over when each decided to show up. He should be appreciating all of the gifts life had given him—a loving family, friends who cared about him (for now), a healthy body, a job that offered him a salary most twenty-two year olds and most idols alike could only dream of making, but none of that was ever enough for him to feel genuinely happy. He tried, he did, but his mind always dragged him back down and disappointment at his own ungratefulness only made it worse.

“Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere. Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere.”

As Ash played the final notes of the song, he thought about how being able to look back on the next year with fondness when he was old and graying was the most he could ever ask for. It would be another year under BC, another year doing music with Knight he rarely enjoyed performing, and another year of being too busy to spend enough time with anyone other than his manager, but if he put it out into the world that he wanted this year to be better (that he wanted himself to get better), there was the slightest chance the stars would hear his cry for help. He’d tried everything else in vain, so what harm was there in letting the exhaustion of trying finally take over him and letting the universe do the trying instead?

#&& when you're screaming but they only hear you whisper | self para #&& kwonsongs | soundcloud #&& bring color to my skies | character development #i had to remake the soundcloud edit because this was supposed to be done by january 1 but nope #imagine the day i get to write ash in a healthy mental state

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byunbaemaxkhyun-blog · 7 years

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Misunderstandings // Yoongi

Pairing: Reader x Yoongi

Word count: 2109

Genre: Angst, fluff

Description: You and Yoongi have been really close friends for a very long time, and so you develop a crush on him, but you don’t have the courage to confess you’re feelings to him. You tell Jungkook, and because you’re really close with him, as you’re both the same age, Yoongi misunderstands your friendship with him for something else...

Y/n’s POV I was on my way to meet one of my best friends, Jungkook, I had told him to meet me as I urgently needed to tell him something. I arrived at the small café we had agreed to meet at, and I smiled seeing Jungkook sat in the corner tapping away on his phone, even though he had a cap covering his face, I could still tell it was him. “Jungkook-ah!!” I squealed hugging him, like I hadn’t seen him in a billion years. “Hi y/n sshhh!” he hushed playfully pushing me off him. “So what’s this important news? Tell me now!” he said as I sat down opposite him. “Well…I’ve had feelings for Yoongi oppa for a really long time now” I said staring at the table, my voice barely audible. “Aw y/n! I knew it!” he said smiling ear to ear. “H..how??” “Come on, you thought you could hide something like from me? I mean you both get on so well, and you always talk about him, plus you guys spend so much time with each other. And hyung doesn’t shut up about you, I’m sure he feels the same way” he smiled reassuringly. I felt my cheeks burning “H..he always talks about me?” Jungkook nodded in response, still looking ecstatic. “Why don’t you come and sleep over tonight, and then you can confess to him yourself” I felt my heart sink with nervousness, but I agreed anyway. As soon as I got home, I packed my pyjamas, outfit for the next day, and other everyday essentials, when suddenly I heard my phone buzz, I grabbed it to see several texts from Yoongi, and I felt my hands shaking like crazy.

Even though I knew Yoongi for so long, he rarely asked me to meet him at his studio, it was almost a no go zone, he was always so immersed in his work that he didn’t want anyone to disturb him, so I was a little taken aback when he invited me. When I arrived at his studio, I hesitantly opened the door, and entered, I was only allowed to come when Yoongi wasn’t busy. “Oppa?” I called, but no response. I walked in further, to see no sign of Yoongi, but his phone was on his piano. I sat on the chair behind his piano wondering where he had gone, the anticipation was absolutely killing me, and I didn’t want to play the piece Yoongi had taught me as I hadn’t practiced at all. I hummed the tune to ‘BTS Run’, the piece Yoongi had recently taught me, and then started playing it on his piano, I couldn’t concentrate because my hands were shaking so much. I sighed frustrated when I finished playing, he would be so disappointed in me.

“Wooow!” I jumped, abruptly turning around to see Yoongi stood staring at me, with two cups of coffee in his hands. I awkwardly laughed standing, as Yoongi approached me, he placed the coffee beside his phone. “Y/n that was so good!” he smiled. “But you rushed it a bit towards the end, do you remember what I taught you?” “Yeah Yoongi I-”

He cut me off, taking my hand and sitting me on his lap. My breathing hitched, my legs were shaking so much that I was scared he’d realise. The whole time he was talking, showing me how to play I just could not focus on anything, all I could hear was my heart pounding, and his soft breathing. I finally got off his lap, and felt a huge weight lifting from my shoulders that I hadn’t even realised was there. In all the two years Yoongi had been teaching me to play, I had always sat so close to him, but I had never felt so uncomfortable because I had only myself acknowledged my feelings for him. He handed me the coffee that was from a place we always went together. “So how’s studying going?” Yoongi finally broke the silence. “Erm, it’s okay I suppose” I said tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. After talking for what felt like hours, Yoongi drove us to the dorm. When we arrived he stretched, “y/n-ah I’m gonna shower and get changed, and then we can all watch a movie or something”. I nodded and skipped into the lounge to greet the rest of the boys who were deciding what movie to watch. Jungkook wiggled his eyebrows and I punched his arm making him wince out, exaggerating.

Yoongi’s POV After changing, I went to find y/n, I thought she’d be in the lounge but only Hobi, Rapmon and V were there still fighting over which movie to watch first. “Guys where’s y/n?” I asked annoyed at how loud they were being, but they didn’t even hear me so I went into the kitchen sighing, y/n wasn’t there either; it was just Jimin and Jin getting snacks for everyone. I then walked towards the bedrooms hearing loud giggling, it was y/n. I peered through the door to see y/n laughing, Jungkook was holding one of her hands, I felt my heart deflate, my hand formed into a fist, I felt really angry, why did I feel so angry? I joined the rest of the boys in the lounge they had finally put a movie on, and shortly after y/n and Jungkook came in, they were both mischievously smiling at each other making me even more frustrated, I should have known it all along, they were both the same age, they were always together, he made her happy, he always talked about, and he was the one who invited her for the sleep over. I drifted away in my thoughts until a loud squeal shook me from my daze, I looked up to see Jungkook holding y/n tight, she hated horror movies I knew that. I stared at Jungkook’s arms around her, and her sitting there so comfortably, her head lying on his shoulder. I know that I wasn’t the best at expressing my feelings towards her, but why would she lead me on like that if she didn’t feel the same way?

Y/n’s POV I looked up from Kookie’s shoulder to see Yoongi storm off, I wonder what was wrong. “Oppa where are you g-”, he sped off without even looking back at me leaving me staring at the door he had just slammed. Everyone else looked at me, shocked. Maybe he was just tired, I thought. “I’ll go and see…”, I made my way to Yoongi’s room, standing outside I contemplating before slowly entering. He was sat on his bed, his back towards me. “Yoongi what’s wrong?” I placed a hand on his shoulder which he flinched at and turned around, angry. I stood back, confused at his actions. “Nothing’s wrong, I just want to be left alone” he snapped, never in all the years I had known Yoongi had he behaved like this towards me, I just didn’t know what I’d done wrong. As I hurriedly left his room, it hit me. Jungkook was going to tell me something but he abruptly stopped so we could join the rest of the guys ‘so they wouldn’t suspect anything’. What if he was going to tell me that he’d already told Yoongi about my feelings, I felt my heart sink, that’s it I had ruined our friendship. It was so obvious that he just liked me as a friend, and I had to go and ruin that like everything else. That night as I lay on the floor trying to sleep, tears wouldn’t stop running down my cheeks, I was reflecting upon all of mine and Yoongi’s memories, how could I ever have dreamed that he felt the same way? He definitely deserved way better than me, and I didn’t blame him for feeling angry or upset with me after discovering my feelings for him, after all, all I did was let everyone down. Unable to sleep, my hair sticking to my tear stained cheeks, I rolled my knees into my chest, rocking back and forth, how embarrassing it was, Yoongi could never look at me the same way again. I needed to leave as soon as possible.

Yoongi’s POV I woke up to the blinding light shining through my blinds; my back ached from having suddenly falling asleep in an awkward position. I heavily sighed sitting up on my bed, I couldn’t stop thinking about y/n, it made my heart ache so much to think that she liked someone else, I scolded myself in my head, for not treating her right, for all the times I had shouted at her, or been annoyed, or not shown how much I loved and cared about her, I found it difficult to do in front of people, but behind the scenes, deep down I loved her so much, I wanted to be there for her always. I sighed angrily, throwing my pillow on the floor holding my head in my hands, why? Why did I leave it too late, why couldn’t I just man up and confess my feelings to her? I needed an answer once and for all, I quickly made my way to the lounge were y/n always slept, but all that was there was her duvet folded neatly in the corner, the pillow on top, typical of her. Where was she I ran my fingers through my hair desperately searching for her, but she was nowhere to be seen. When I ran to the front door, I saw her backpack on the floor, she had left it, I picked it up hurriedly so I could go and find her, but because it was open, some of her belongings fell out, I panicked quickly shoving them back in…until I came across a pretty diary, I know she loved writing so much, I smiled, and opened it slowly to the page she had marked it on, her handwriting was so beautiful, it read:

15.01.17 // I had an okay day today. Well it wasn’t the greatest days in the sense that it was extremely painful and embarrassing, but it was good in the sense that I settled my feelings once and for all, I no longer feel obliged to chase after a dream that is not going to come true, because all I’m going to end up doing is hurting myself, and probably others as well. I feel blessed having a friend like Jungkook who helped me figure out my own feelings, who enabled me to gain the courage to believe in myself and tell Yoongi my true feelings. But now Yoongi has found out my true feelings, he obviously isn’t happy about it, and he has no right to be. I know that he deserves better, why on earth did I ever think that Yoongi would like someone like me? I mean look at him, he’s so talented, caring, understanding, and handsome, and then you get me. Good for nothing. I hope that all of wished come true because he deserves everything. I just wish I hadn’t been a fool and blown such a precious friendship. We may never be able to look each other in the eyes again.

After I’d finished reading her diary entry, I felt tears streaming down my cheeks that I hadn’t realised were there before when I was so absorbed in her writing. What a pabo. She wasn’t ‘good for nothing’, she was beautiful, smart, selfless, and brave, and I just wished so hard that I’d told her that long ago so she didn’t have these misunderstandings. Underneath her writing was a small ink doodle:

After seeing it I quickly wiped my cheeks, and left running, where did that pabo go in the freezing cold? I drove for a little while down the narrow street until I saw a hunched figure walking slowly, it was y/n. I quickly stopped my car at the side of the road and went running over to her, turning her around by the arm. She looked hurt, and shocked, when she saw me. I held both her cold cheeks with my hands, “Why are you such a pabo?” was the first thing that escaped my lips, way to go Yoongi I thought to myself. “Why did you think that you're worthless, you’re not. You’re the most beautiful and brave girl I’ve ever met, and I love you” I said out of breath, her twinkling eyes looked confused, but enchanting. I pulled her in for a kiss, I had been longing to feel her lips on mine for the longest time ever, and it was something that I was never going to regret…

A/N Thanks for reading, you can request a Kpop scenario here, and I will try my best. Have an amazing day ^^

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coaoreo-blog · 6 years

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A Black Sheep's Diary: Dealing with Comparisons

Hello Again Beautiful People

[caption id="attachment_94" align="alignnone" width="750"] Sister Appreciation Post: She Loves the Filters Just as Much as I Do!!![/caption] I am currently sitting in a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt with my house slippers in my basement contemplating what I want to write about for this week's blog. This Tuesday happens to be my day off from both jobs and as many would say; "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed." So what did I do to get out of this mindset before the "World feels my wrath?" I watched the movie Marshall starring Chadwick Boseman. Some of you may know him from his more recent films Black Panther and Avengers: Infinity War. After watching this I was just compelled to change my major. Don't worry...I didn't :) This past week, for me personally, has been extremely busy. It was all due to President Trump visiting. He was escorted by all families from across the country to celebrate those graduating from the United States Naval Academy. I had the opportunity this week to meet some awesome people from Italy, New Jersey, Tennessee, Texas, etc. I've also had some impactful discussions with some regulars from the coffee shop. There was one in particular that really spoke to me. I have found myself over the past few days reflecting on my life so far and thinking hard about the future. I often get feelings when scrolling through social media and seeing all of the people from my high school class graduating college or coming up on their last year as rising seniors. These friends are traveling the world and doing the things I only dream about. When I scroll or click through the different feeds be it Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram, this dark feeling never fades. I find myself thinking, "Here I am working two jobs, attending community college, not a clear idea of my future, and nowhere close to having the ability to experience things my friends are at regular colleges. Why am I so behind in life?"

The Struggle with Comparison

The truth is...these statements, although they are mine, make me angry. I could not believe that my brain had the audacity to think these thoughts. I mean, I had gotten into MTSU. However, due to some difficulties with financial aid, I am now in a place where my future is uncertain leaving me unnerved. I'm not one to not know where I am going to be tomorrow, next week, nor next semester. Yet, here I am stuck...waiting. Have you ever been in a place like this where all you feel is stuck? To me, it was like a room with four white walls and no door. For the past few months, I felt like I needed to be at this big four-year college. It was my way of being seen less as a failure. However, I wasn't where I had imagined myself to be and that caused me to feel like less of a person. I started to compare my life and what I had done to my siblings. I mean, those are the closest and most realistic ones to compare to: am I right? I mean, I could not be more proud of them. My oldest brother is a preacher, leading a church and making differences all throughout the city of Annapolis. My older sister is a phenomenal athlete, amazing icon and household name within the equestrian circle and beyond. My next oldest brother is living a life many dream of right out of college; I mean he went to Peru (also walked miles to bring me home a longboard for Christmas). He is kicking butt in a business, buying his first house, traveling the world, and changing the way people and business operate. Last but not least, my younger brother is attending the school that I could not bring myself to finish (USNA) and doing the things that he loves to do. It was hard not to look at my life and all of the things unfinished compared to the success stories of my own family. I felt like a black sheep for I had not done anything special or taken steps towards my dream or just any dream in my mind. I was stuck in the quicksand of inadequacy and I couldn't find a way out. There were many nights that I would delete my social media to try and eliminate the temptation to compare yet I couldn't stop it. The other day at work a co-worker greeted me by stating, "Hey Kid". I laughed and proceeded to ask why she felt the need to call someone, two and a half years older than her, "kid". She then went on to inform me that she had "done, lived, and gotten more out of life in comparison to me" and therefore had the right to call me kid. This coworker is younger than me with a beautiful baby girl. However, she felt that since she had a daughter, bills and was "more independent" with different problems, she had hit it in life. Now, I want to state first that I don't want to take away from her experiences, whatever they may be, however, how am I suppose to answer. There are so many young adults my age (above or below) who are married, have children, renting their first house, and "starting life". One of my siblings is also an example of that. Yet, at the same age, I find myself living with my parents unsure of the future and frustrated. Why I am so late to the party? It was not until my conversation with a local customer that I really started to see things differently.

Different Does Not Mean Wrong

I found myself, last Wednesday, in a conversation centered around a program called YWAM or Youth With A Mission. I had been upset with the reality that I may not receive the financial aid needed to attend MTSU ( still waiting though with fingers crossed). I didn't think college was really my path if this all didn't go through and I wanted to have a purpose in life. I needed it. If college wasn't going to do it then I needed to look elsewhere. This led to a customer who had a personal connection. I was astonished by some of the similarities that we had throughout the conversation. We both had scholarships to very prestigious schools and decided to leave because it not what we wanted out of life. This customer took to hitchhiking. She headed towards upstate New York to try to find herself. It was during that year that she found Christ and decided to continue her education. Fast-forward a couple years, she settled down, finished her degree, got a Masters, Ph.D., and post-doctorate, became a professor, traveled the world, and now lectures to important leaders within our government today. Wow right? I was thinking the exact same thing. She said a lot of amazing things that day to me, however, the one thing that stuck out the most was this: "Not everyone's path is straight. There are those that fit into a box and there are those that fit outside of a box. Just because your path is different does not mean that you are inadequate. You didn't fit a lifestyle and that's fine. Choices are hard, and thankfully, we have lots of life to live. I believe that you can be a great Christian and think outside of the box. If the early disciples didn't think outside the box we'd all be Jewish or something like that." This woman spoke into my life at the exact moment that I need someone. It's funny, I often find myself praying for signs. Yet, I always imagined something big like those miracles in the Bible. Something similar to the stories of Moses and the burning bush or a stranger that turns into something (say an angel), or a voice inside my head: who knows (Yes, I realize these are far-fetched but hey a girl can wish). Anyways, I just remember constantly praying for something. "Speak", I would say, because I can't hear you. I can say, this past Wednesday, I heard him clearly: when everything felt so wrong, she could not have been more right. I can say, now, that I am aware. My path is different from my siblings for I am not my siblings. I am me and I cannot change it. In fact, I should not want to change it and I don't. It is not easy, for growing up, I had always been compared to others but I have decided the only person I can compare myself to is the person I was yesterday. If I am better than I was the day before I can then conclude that I am doing a pretty damn good job. I won't say that I am perfectly content now because feelings (negative ones especially) for so long do not disappear following a ten-minute conversation. What I can say, however, is that I am okay with the path I am walking. I have goals and plans for the future and I am excited to see it unfold right before my eyes. There is no perfect path for one person. There are many paths and just because one differs from another does not mean that you are behind or less of a person. Sometimes people need detours to build them and train them for the rigors of what is to come in the future :) Therefore, to everyone, I say: live your lives the way you want. Do not compare to others for it doesn't bring happiness just sadness, anger, and loneliness. Love your differences for they make you who you are. You are an awesome person and don't forget it. You are never going to be as good as someone else for they are not you. Only you can be the best you. So stop comparing and LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE ! Peace out homies :) Your Oreo and Local Black Sheep, Announcements!!!

I will be posting every Tuesday. Make sure to check in then.

I have also heard some things about snacks for people who are gluten-free. I have recently traveled to target and will post some snack ideas to the home page within the next day or so.

I am also working on some videos to put on here so keep watch for those.

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ayyani123 · 7 years

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Camp Drama 3

I blushed a little and shrugged "I didn't want anyone to know" I mumbled and sighed a little. "Like you would actually care though" I said, shaking my head and sighed, slowly sitting up, noticing the teachers were coming over to us. Great, this is the last thing that I wanted, people finding out that I drowned and almost died and Harry saved me. People will love him even more than before because he saved my life. Brilliant. As the teacher helped you I tried to explain what happened but unexpectedly Alison came as a witness. Alison was the girl I recently broke up with and the rest was just the girls I make out with or probably hook up with .She explained what happened . The teacher was convinced to what she said that you slipped in the lake and just drown as for me saving you. It was suspicious how she doing all of this besides she was never nice to you and she should be Angry at me but it's odd how she acted this way. I watch you walk away as the teacher took us for a check up. I turn to look at Alison for one last time and as she turns to walk away I saw your diary on her hands. I was quite surprised when Alison came as a witness, as I was pretty sure it was only us around and no one else and I was even more surprised when she said that I just slipped. I had no idea why she was doing this and why she was saying she was a witness even when I'm sure she wasn't. But either way I'm just glad that no one did see what actually happened. The teachers took me away for a quick check over and once they said I was fine I went back over to my own cabin to get changed. I had no idea where my diary was, it was probably just sinking in the lake now, which I wasn't too bothered about because at least you can't read any more of it. Later that night everyone was gathered around the the fire but since we are just having a regular dinner outside . The teachers decided to give us a first day free time to just relax and enjoy the camp before putting us in a week activities and reflection. I sat with Zayn together with the other soccer player when Alison came to me. "Harry can I talk to you" she told me as I put down my food and nod following her. We distance ourselves form everybody. "What's up?" I asked casually as I put my hands to the side. "I heard what you told Jesse a while ago " she said looking down at her hands. "Is it true you like her?" She asked waiting for my answer."well yes - I kind of" I said scratching the back of my neck."no I don't believe you you're just murder someone it's just a pity feeling" I she said and hug. "Please come back to me I miss you" she said hugging me tighter. I sigh and pull her away. "But you're with Zayn remember I know he haven't told me about it but I know I'm not stupid Alison"I said and push her away. " Is it because Jesse ? You really like her?" She continue asked. "She has nothing to do with this" I said she shake her head . "Fine " she said and walk stomping her feet. We had some thing tonight around the fire and everyone was going to be there and that was the last thing I wanted to go to. Everyone would just ask about what happened and I just didn't want to talk to anyone about it, but the teachers told us that everyone must go but to be honest I just really hoped they would've just given me the night off. I could just go for a little bit and say that I'm really tired and exhausted with what happened today and hopefully the teachers will let me get away with it. I left the cabin with my friend, and I was so glad that she didn't bring any of it up, since she now knows that it's going to be a touchy subject with me. Once we arrived, I avoided contact with anyone. I just didn't want anyone to talk to me. "alright everyone gather around please" everybody went around the fire . I yawn "this makes me sleepy" I told Niall who is beside me . "Yeah after the dinner I just want to lay in the bed and sleep"he told me as I agrees."or maybe sexting that girl who staring at you" Niall nudging me as we continue to not pay attention to what the teacher says. I look at the girl and coincidentally was sitting beside you . She winks at me and signal me to stare at my phone. "In my cabin later? X " she asked me. "How on earth did she found out about my number?" I asked Niall as he shrugged. Little did I know that was your roommate from the same cabin. "I can't be bothered to listen to this" I mumbled to my friend and sighed deeply. "Yeah neither can I" my friend, Millie said. "Who are you texting?" I asked, noticing that she wouldn't get off her phone. I tried to have a look at who she was texting but she wouldn't know. "No one, you don't know them" she shrugged, quickly putting her phone away and smiled. "You should go to sleep in a bit, you look tired". She told me. She knows that I'm a deep sleeper and I could sleep through anything. She was just like any other girl and was deeply in love with you. After five minutes of an inspirational boring speech how the fire was the burning passion of the Teacher. We head to our own cabin I was stopped when a girl hold my hand whisper in my ear . "Sneak out on cabin around 12:00 in the midnight I'll be waiting in our room" she whisper and squeeze my bum before running towards you. "damn she squeeze your butt" Niall said and exchange high fives with me . "I don't even know her name" I said with disbelief . "Yes you never really know who they are" I couldn't wait to leave as soon as that stupid speech was over, I got up and quickly started to head back to my cabin. People were waiting around still but like I said I didn't want to be there anyway and I didn't want anyone to talk to me so it would just be better for myself if I just go off to bed, and Millie was right, I was tired and I should go to sleep and hopefully I won't get any nightmares or anything about what's happened today. "There you are! I couldn't find you" Millie said and linked her arm through mine. "I just want to go back to the cabin that's all, you can stay out if you want" I told her. "No no no, I would never do that without you, I need to make sure that you're okay" she smiled to me. After we went to our room I made sure to take a warm bath to prepare on what is going to happen. Lucky my roommate Louis was a heavy sleeper so I can sneak on the girl later. Niall advice me to go through the window since if the girl is really want to get it on tonight it is possible that she will sleeping near the window to wait for me. But unfortunately that was your spot and no one told me about it. Waiting for 12:00 noon took me forever . The whole cabins light out was 10:00 and I have to pretend to be asleep until it was time. When I sneak out your friend was taking a shower for me. I walk to your cabin and as Niall said it was lucky that the windows are open. As soon as I arrived back at the cabin I quickly got changed and went to lay down on my bed before opening the window. I can't sleep without the window being open, it's just something that I've always done and I always will do. It didn't take long until I was fast asleep and I quickly fell into a deep sleep, but I couldn't sleep properly. I kept having dreams of the water, that I was drowning again. As I slept I could feel my chest get tighter as I was gasping for air and I quickly woke up, sitting up and breathed deeply as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was a horrible feeling and I just hated it. As I sat up I felt my bed dip, which was quite strange. My eyes focused in the darkness and gasped as I saw a figure climbing over my bed, I quickly looked to the side of me where Millie's bed was and saw that she wasn't in there, but I heard the shower running. "Millie?!" I called out, curling my legs up to me. I didn't want to hurt whoever this was just incase I hurt my best friend instead. As soon as I get inside the cabin sent closer to the girl who's giving me a favor. "Hey it's me don't be afraid I came " I said and lean closer to you holding your shoulders and start kissing your neck . I frowned as soon as I heard you and tensed as you came closer to me and started to kiss my neck. "Harry? What are you doing here? Get out" I said, pushing you away and sighed. What on earth? Why are you here and why are you kissing my neck like that. I heard the bathroom door open and I glanced over to Millie. "Do you know why he is here?!" I asked, moving further away from you. "No not at all" she lied, sighing a little. She was annoyed that her plan didn't work, she had waited so long to have you.

#Tales

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coaoreo-blog · 6 years

Text

A Black Sheep's Diary: Dealing with Comparisons

Hello Again Beautiful People

The Struggle with Comparison

Different Does Not Mean Wrong

I will be posting every Tuesday. Make sure to check in then.

I have also heard some things about snacks for people who are gluten-free. I have recently traveled to target and will post some snack ideas to the home page within the next day or so.

I am also working on some videos to put on here so keep watch for those.

0 notes