#anyway here's a text post

[altruisticenigma]

My doctor two appointments ago hinted I possibly could have ADHD. At my most recent appointment, she suspected strongly that I have ADHD. Now I've been thinking about it nonstop, thinking back to what I thought was innocent/small details that were probably symptoms all along, and it's been on my mind ever since.

I'm 27, and what the fuck- I might have ADHD on top of the host of other mental illnesses I have???

Warning, this is a long one- but as a 27 year old coming to terms with a possible new mental illness I think that's more than acceptable, lol. TW: Mentions of CPTSD/PTSD, depression, anxiety, ADHD and all related symptoms, and mentions of medication.

This began because I needed to be put back on some sort of medication. I was suffering from pretty bad anxiety; it was difficult to function because I would worry constantly about everything big and small. I have CPTSD/PTSD and it was getting in the way of life- I catastrophize & have hypervigilance; I cope by trying to control situations best I can. It's hard to let go of control. What got me in the office was that for the last 6 months, it's been extremely difficult to get out of bed and go to work. It was like I was hitting this invisible wall and I didn't know why. Nearly ever week I'd call out because I felt overwhelmed.

Wellbutrin helped subside a lot of the emotional aspects. A majority of my panic & fear subsided, but some symptoms still lingered. For one, a way that I coped with my anxiety was to constantly assign myself daily tasks: if I could get something done I'd feel better from the serotonin it fed me. I also felt restless if I wasn't doing something productive. I still couldn't sit down and relax; something that other people could do that I couldn't and I didn't know why. The other was that I still had bouts of insomnia; every few weeks like clockwork I'd wake up around 1-3 AM and it'd be hard to go back to sleep. Just last night I woke up at 3AM, hypervigilant as Hell out of nowhere. Most nights I am just very hungry and sit up for a bit before going back to sleep.

While I was mostly more functional and could now go to work with little to no problem, I still was having issues with being calm.

We tried putting me back on Lexapro. Historically it had worked. Instead it made my anxiety worse; it felt like I was back to square 1. Wellbutrin was the only thing that worked, which is a mood stabilizer. At this point I had gone through 3-5 SSRIs/SNRIs and they weren't helping, only the mood stabilizer.

I explained how my anxiety manifests to my PCP. I have the restlessness/need for control through tasks, as well as insomnia, but also the hypervigilance as well as the catastrophizing. I explained to her that I always thought that my fiancé was going to die behind the wheel no matter what they were doing in the car- every single time. I explained that when doing my job, I always anticipated someone yelling at me. These fears had subsided significantly with Wellbutrin, but they were still there nonetheless lingering in the background.

So my main issues were the hypervigilance & catastrophizing, feeling restless/needing control and the issues with sleep.

It was then she made a observation: it was possible I may have ADHD and the things I was doing were a unconscious coping mechanism. For one, I kept failing SSRI/SNRIs. Although it's a given I have a genetic disposition to bipolar in my gene pool (hence why they keep failing), I don't present any active symptoms at the time. According to her they should work to a degree, not adversely. Second, I have a strong genetic disposition to ADHD: we strongly suspect my mom has it, she just isn't formally diagnosed, but my brother is definitely diagnosed and has struggled with it most his life.

Her primary observation was the third: my restless symptoms are presenting as more of the "HD" problem in ADHD: too much energy with nowhere to go. I overwork myself by assigning tasks and overachieving to cope with the energy I have on hand. By doing extra tasks and chores, on one hand it may be a "need for control" aspect but the other may be restlessness I am trying to cope with. She noted that I have the "focus" part down- I'm very organized and able to stay on task, but I struggle with the energy. She noted that with "feminized" brains (lol, I laughed a bit inside when she said this- I'm non-binary but I get what she was saying) it tends to get misdiagnosed or overlooked due to anxiety: girls tend to present very differently than boys with ADHD. TL;DR she was saying sexism was why girls were disproportionally diagnosed to boys, especially at a young age.

This absolutely blew my mind, as you could see.

Ever since I was young I had no problems in school. Overachiever, good grades, laser-beam focused in school. Homework was not a problem. I liked routine, and I liked sticking to it. While my brother really struggled with remembering tasks and keeping to a schedule, I excelled in it.

When I developed PTSD in college I did begin to struggle a lot with focus. It would come and go because my brain was so chaotic; there was constant chatter in there. During the early stages of PTSD I would completely lose focus if I was really stressed out and needed accommodations in school. PTSD made me feel like my brain had been scrambled and I could no longer control it. Despite this I recall in college I had no problem focusing on assignments for hours: I once had a lab to do and I didn't take a break for 4 hours. I used to commend myself on my strong work ethic; this was normal for me from middle school and beyond... But now looking back with a fresh perspective, I realize this could have been ADHD working strangely in my favor.

I have also been organized to a insane degree my entire life, too. Increasingly more in high school, college and beyond. Nowadays I try to remember to do menial tasks by writing in a planner: they may seem unimportant to someone else, but to my brain it's imperative I remember and put it somewhere else on paper so I don't keep dwelling on it/needing to repeat the thought so I remember it, or have it float in my brain. I consider my home tasks so much more important than my work tasks; why, I don't know.

I've also been noticing minor but important details that could've alluded to ADHD but were overshadowed by more pressing mental health issues such as my depression, anxiety and CPTSD/PTSD. With Wellbutrin in my system it's been getting fairly easy to notice small details that I would've waved off in the past, but now with this new perspective and medication are very significant:

I never noticed how chaotic and disorganized my mind-chatter was until I was on Wellbutrin. The moment I started taking Wellbutrin my mind became very calm and quiet, so quiet it surprised me. I also never noticed how slightly incoherent, disorganized and rapid my speech was until I was on Wellbutrin, either. While on this medication, I have found I can form much more organized thoughts and speak slower and clearer. Whether that's panic or ADHD, I have no clue.

At least once a day I will be in the middle of saying/doing something and completely forget what I'm doing. I try to retrace my steps or my conversation to remember, only to have it gone entirely. It'll come back eventually, I just can't get it back in the moment.

According to my fiance, I tend to go down "rabbit holes" in the middle of our conversations (I haven't noticed this at all). I'll be on one topic, divulge into another possibly related topic and come back to where we were. I never thought it was important as at least I come back to the topic on hand. Sometimes I have caught myself completely forgetting what I was talking about.

The whole reason I started Wellbutrin is because I realized that I couldn't "bootstraps" my way out of whatever was happening to me: I realized I had a hard time getting out of bed for work. I attributed it to depression. While Wellbutrin significantly helps with this, in the past week or so I've been hitting this wall again where I don't want to go into work. It's like the task itself is difficult. I see it as a big, huge task that I don't want to bother with, even though realistically I realize that what I do for a living isn't the most difficult job. I thought it was depression, but it might be executive dysfunction.

I have hyperfixations: I will hyperfixate on something that I absolutely get lost in the sauce about for a month or two, and once I drop it I get sad/absolutely bored out of my mind until I find something new. I remember thinking during hyperfixations that I hope that I don't lose this passion because I don't want to be without this feeling of absolute pure joy and passion. Right now I'm very into FFXIV and building my character and their world.

I deleted social media like TikTok, YouTube and other streaming platforms off of my phone because I will scroll for hours and get stuck. I can't move. It's like I'm hypnotized and focused hard on whatever I'm watching. TikTok I deleted mostly because it made me Severely Mentally Ill, but also because I found myself stuck on it for 2-3 hours at a time and unable to take a break. I ended up doing the same thing on YouTube shorts, so I also had to delete that, too.

I vocally stim. A lot. Especially at home where it's safe and only when I feel safe/happy. But I just attribute that to being neurodivergent in general, lol.

I never thought I could've had ADHD because unfortunately I always had the stereotypical picture of ADHD in my head: someone who couldn't focus at all, who struggled with time-management, and someone who got distracted easily. A lot of the focus-related issues. That's what my brother struggled with, so I didn't think twice about me having it. My best friend also had similar symptoms so I had no clue it could present differently among people. As someone who never had struggled with focus, or at least to what I could've noticed consciously, I didn't conceive that I could have ADHD: I thought it was just about struggling with being attentive. Never did I realize I could have a restless/energy issue but be fine in the focus category.

The only way to know for certain what's going on is to see a neuropsychiatrist, which my doctor referred me to. As ADHD is very closely related to all of my already-diagnosed illnesses I know that it is possible it could be just PTSD scrambling my brain or anxiety making things difficult again. It has just been super heavy on my mind how this could be possibly ADHD and I had NO idea, nor did I ever suspect myself of possibly having ADHD once in my life.

Just goes to show you mental health is a fucking doozy of a thing.

#mental health #ADHD #Wellbutrin #PTSD #anxiety #neurodivergent #anyway here's wonderwall #anyway here's a text post #long post #mental health awareness #executive dysfunction #hyperfocus

[inkskinned]

the thing is there's like, a point of oversaturation for everything, and it's why so many things get dropped after a few minutes. and we act like millennials or gen z kids "have short attention spans" but... that's not quite it. it's more like - we did like it. you just ruined it.

capitalism sees product A having moderate success, and then everything has to come out with their "own version" of product A (which is often exactly the same). and they dump extreme amounts of money and environmental waste into each horrible simulacrum they trot out each season.

now it's not just tiktokkers making videos; it's that instagram and even fucking tumblr both think you want live feeds and video-first programming. and it helps them, because videos are easier to sneak native ads into. the books coming out all have to have 78 buzzwords in them for SEO, or otherwise they don't get published. they are making a live-action remake of moana. i haven't googled it, but there's probably another marvel or starwars something coming out, no matter when you're reading this post.

and we are like "hi, this clone of project A completely misses the point of the original. it is soulless and colorless and miserable." and the company nods and says "yes totally. here is a different clone, but special." and we look at clone 2 and we say "nope, this one is still flat and bad, y'all" and they're like "no, totally, we hear you," and then they make another clone but this time it's, like, a joyless prequel. and by the time they've successfully rolled out "clone 89", the market is incredibly oversaturated, and the consumer is blamed because the company isn't turning a profit.

and like - take even something digital like the tumblr "live streaming" function i just mentioned. that has to take up server space and some amount of carbon footprint; just so this brokenass blue hellsite can roll out a feature that literally none of its userbase actually wants. the thing that's the kicker here: even something that doesn't have a physical production plant still impacts the environment.

and it all just feels like it's rolling out of control because like, you watch companies pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into a remake of a remake of something nobody wants anymore and you're like, not able to afford eggs anymore. and you tell the company that really what you want is a good story about survival and they say "okay so you mean a YA white protagonist has some kind of 'spicy' love triangle" and you're like - hey man i think you're misunderstanding the point of storytelling but they've already printed 76 versions of "city of blood and magic" and "queen of diamond rule" and spent literally millions of dollars on the movie "Candy Crush Killer: Coming to Eat You".

it's like being stuck in a room with a clown that keeps telling the same joke over and over but it's worse every time. and that would be fine but he keeps fucking charging you 6.99. and you keep being like "no, i know it made me laugh the first time, but that's because it was different and new" and the clown is just aggressively sitting there saying "well! plenty of people like my jokes! the reason you're bored of this is because maybe there's something wrong with you!"

#this was much longer i had to cut it down for legibility #but i do want to say i am aware this post doesnt touch on human rights violations as a result of fast fashion #that is because it deserves its own post with a completely different tone #i am an environmental educator #so that's what i know the most about. it wouldn't be appropriate of me to mention off-hand the real and legitimate suffering #that people are going through #without doing my research and providing real ways to help #this is a vent post about a thing i'm watching happen; not a call to action. it would be INCREDIBLY demeaning #to all those affected by the fast fashion industry to pretend that a post like this could speak to their suffering #unfortunately one of the horrible things about latestage capitalism as an activist is that SO many things are linked to this #and i WANT to talk about all of them but it would be a book in its own right. in fact there ARE books about each level of this #and i encourage you to seek them out and read them!!! i am not an expert on that i am just a person on tumblr doing my favorite activity #(complaining) #and it's like - this is the individual versus the industry problem again right because im blaming myself #for being an expert on environmental disaster (which is fucking important) but not knowing EVERYTHING about fast fashion #i'm blaming myself for not covering the many layers of this incredibly complicated problem im pointing out #rather than being like. yeah so actually the fault here lies with the billion dollar industries actually. #my failure to be able to condense an incredibly immense problem that is BOOK-LENGTH into a single text post that i post for free #is not in ANY fucking way the same amount of harm as. you know. the ACTUAL COMPANIES doing this ACTUAL THING for ACTUAL MONEY. #anyway im gonna go donate money while i'm thinking about it. maybe you can too. we can both just agree - well i fuckin tried didn't i #which is more than their CEOs can say

[soranker]

DEEP💥SPACE💥PLANET💥FUTURE💥GUN💥ACTION❗️

#trigun #trigun maximum #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #this is ALSO an old doodle that took me more than half a year to get around to coloring. that i ALSO forgot to post here LMAODFJSI #help. i rly went out of my incredibly small comfort zone for this one (background. text graphics. VASH'S COATTAILS) #i almost died like 30 TIMES drawing vash's coat oh my lord. #vash the stampede your swag is impeccable BUT I HATE DRAWING YOUR FREAKING COAT!!!!!!!! #anyways. i've always wanted to yank those ribbons/straps on his back. that is the inspiration here #pls continue to make jokes about him being a designer bag bc i've seen some on ig and twt and i love them thank you

[boeing-787]

don't cry, okay? several thousand wives are flying in the sky right now.

#plane text #planeposting #did this tweet ever get posted here. dont care i am posting it anyway. #planefuckers unite or something

[captain-flint]

Ed caressing Stede's face and chest

#our flag means death #ofmd #ofmdedit #blackbonnet #blackbonnetedit #gentlebeard #gentlebeardedit #stede bonnet #edward teach #blackbeard #taika waititi #rhys darby #this has already been pointed out in a couple text posts but i don't remember if anyone's mentioned the scene in the 1st gif #he does the same thing to the stede cake topper and i 😭😭 #anyway i needed it all in a big gifset so.. here #my stuff

[journey-to-the-attic]

one thing about ik is that she will always reach out

#obey me #art #i had the idea for this and managed to bulldoze through drawing it all without losing motivation halfway through #but Do Not expect me to post art this frequently in future #idk how to do panels so if the middle bit with the text might be laid out weird #i added the stars and feathers and stuff because there was a bunch of empty space around the boxes #obey me satan #jtta ik #(btw the crumbling symbol next to the exploding feather is the wrath symbol from in-game) #(with the pride symbol attached upside down at the bottom) #(not so much symbolism as it is just me whacking you over the head with the point but it looks cool) #i had a lot of fun doing satan's more monstrous design so i might try my hand at some of the other demons later? #i do have some ideas for levi (deep sea creatures are just really fun) #also happy nightbringer release day!! it showed up on my homescreen like half an hour ago and i was like “wait what” #for some reason i thought it wasn't releasing til next week?? #the new genshin patch is today as well so looks like i'll have plenty to do with the rest of my free time for the easter hols #(i promise i'm also working on the next chapter of jtta but i am so stuck on how to get lucifer actually Talking) #anyway. here's a gold star for making it through all my rambling in the tags for anyone who did so: ⭐

[kesopan]

"I was really hoping to see you again before I left," he said, starting to rifle through his backpack. "but even if you don't want to see me, I've brought you a gift."

fanart of shen yuan's plastic guanyin keychain from @nyoomerr's fic, you don't need poltergeists for sidekicks :D

++ sulky bingge for the soul :3c

#i was debating on posting the last fanarts tgt but the other one is later down the text..! kind of tonally different ;; iykyk #bingyuan #shen yuan #luo binghe #svsss #bingqiu #anyway this scene : also iconic #☝🤓 the bingmeiification was at 9% here #i have midterms incoming so this may be the last post for two weeks .. augh sorry to blueball you #if you've seen the tw movie our times Yes the ref was the pose of hsu taiyu holding out the andy lau keychain

[furiosophie]

#ghostroach #roachghost #simon ghost riley #gary roach sanderson #i keep forgetting to cross post!!!!! #anyway here we are #this is technically part of an au i've been cooking with alec over on twt #but u also get to have it #soph arts #id in alt text

[wolfram-but-art]

here's some text posts that remind me of tf2 mercs part one for now because i'm eepy [pt. 1] (<- you're here!) [pt. 2]

rebl > likes

links to original posts under cut

NUH UH (spiderman across the spider verse spoilers (?)) payphone mic so hear me out... you did WHAT

#just realised i forgot the “a” in “team” in the last payhone mic panel #oh well #theres also this long ass gif a miss p textpost that is kinda bad and idk whether i should post it or not #if anyone wants to see it lmk :thumbs up emoji: #tf2 #tf2 fanart #engineer tf2 #spy tf2 #medic tf2 #doodle dump #pyro tf2 #demoman tf2 #tf2 textposts #scout tf2 #i have like 30 text posts saved #it's 2 am i've been sitting here drawing for like 4 hours #anyways bye fesgfyisef

[thatswhatsushesaid]

content warning: canon-typical 3zun 🫠

bonus huaisang, as a treat:

#two in one day because it's been a while since i made these #and i had a whole wack of text posts just waiting for me to slap them onto some screenshots #anyway here u go: 3zun being 3zun #(also just ftr the only 3zun related ship i sail is xiyao #and i would v. much appreciate it if you keep other ships out of the notes on this post. ty.) #mdzs shitposting #cql #the untamed #3zun #jin guangyao #nie mingjue #lan xichen

[jinxed-ninjago]

I'm surprised nobody's clipped the entire 30 seconds Jay's on screen in Dragons Rising (at least nobody's clipped it that I've seen) so I did it myself because the clip is fucking hilarious

You can see the lights from whatever game Jay's playing as he walks out of his office

Has Jay ever looked more annoyed. Like literally this must happen on a daily basis because I don't remember the last time Jay looked this annoyed

Jay hears "a weird kid showed up and ran off" and does not give a shit because "it's not our department's problem, STOP BOTHERING ME."

He treats his employees like children. "Then bothering me waassssss ..." "Was ... a waste of your time?" "CORRECT"

"I've got a video g -- some paperwork to file." *runs back to his office*

If he doesn't have amnesia, at the very least he is jaded as FUCK dear lord lmao

They make the reveal the the Manager of Realm Reassignment is Jay so dramatic like it's gonna have an effect on the rest of the season (specifically, they made the music adjacent to a dramatic reveal that would have an effect on the rest of the season) but this is the only time Jay is seen or heard from in the entire season post-Merge and I think that makes it even fucking funnier

Also not related to the humor of the clip but can we appreciate how gorgeous the lighting in this clip is?

#this clip is peak jay characterization and i love it lmao #lego ninjago #ninjago #ninjago jay #jay walker #ninjago dragons rising #dragons rising part 2 #dragons rising spoilers #also i had to copy the text in this post and reload tumblr because it logged me out while i was typing for some reason #just tumblr things i guess lmao #anyway. heres the entire 30 seconds jay is on screen in dragons rising because i havent seen anyone else clip it yet

[altruisticenigma]

Vent post below

Ayo I don’t think I can keep doing this... Shit is fuckin stressful. -My fiance is (rightfully) stressed out by their workplace and needs a new job. I fully support their decision, as the job doesn’t support them and/or us very well, and more than anything I want to see them feel better and thrive, not just survive. But man, its hard to have to see them come home every day very stressed about money and the job itself.

-My best friend is going through HELL, and I am 110% supportive through all of these extremely rough times right now. I gotta be, ‘cause she was there when I was going through Hell earlier in life.

-My brother is also going through a similar Hellscape and I am and want to be there for him whenever he needs me. Even if everything out of his mouth is always depressing, sad and never seems positive. I have been there, I know it’s mental heath, but still- it can get overwhelming trying my best to be a light for him when its hard for him to see my perspective due to mental illness.

-Meanwhile. I am lowkey having the Bad Thoughts (tm) that have gotten lowkey worse throughout the weeks, and THAT FUCKING DON’T MATTER RN because I am the most stable comparatively to others. But... I still have stressors, like my job, and HOLY SHIT CHRISTMAS, and the above, and I’m getting real down about it. My mind is not getting to be a nice place to be- I keep having SI thoughts, and body-shaming thoughts, & I’m getting overwhelmed trying my best to be as supportive as I can but trying to also take care of myself. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how much more I can handle, both for myself and to help the ones I care about most. 

#vent #vent post #negative #anyway here's wonderwall #anyway here's a text post #im also like having a breakdown rn

[aphel1on]

baldurs gate misc text post meme

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #shadowzel #karlach #halsin #enver gortash #ketheric thorm #mayrina #shadowheart #lae'zel #text post meme #aphelion.txt #sorry orin that i didnt include you... feels wrong to have 2 out of 3 in here... #anyway that wraps up my text post meme spree #wont see any more out of me for *checks watch* idk another 6 months probably

[thecrystarium]

Wuk Lamat: *through a mouthful of meat* I LOVE IT HERE!!! Erenville: *head in his hands* Twelve forfend...

#wuk lamat #erenville #g'raha tia #ffxiv #final fantasy xiv #mine #the text at the bottom is an approximation of how i assume the parts of the dinner we didn't see went down #ANYWAY I thought this scene was cute so here it is! #long post #endwalker spoilers #endwalker #SO SORRY I FORGOT SPOILER TAGS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN

[antigne]

sally jackson’s son and his girlfriend are:

a) completely obsessed with each other

b) hormonal teenagers

c) highly trained in stealth

and, like we learned in cotg, percy’s bedroom window opens into the fire escape. any mother’s worst nightmare, except for sally jackson, whose son went to hell, so she’s probably fine in the grand scheme of things

#good thing sally loves annabeth because wow #anyway heres my bimonthly percabeth post #text #mine #pjo #percabeth #percy jackson #annabeth chase #cotg #hoo #sally jackson

[mint-mango]

lil trucy wright redesign ~☆

#i just realized i haven’t posted this anywhere LOL oops #but anyways here’s the girl with some added whimsy #idk if i’d keep the small hat but i just wanted to see how she’d look w it and it’s not bad imo #trucy wright #ace attorney #my art #character redesign #id in alt text #gyakuten saiban