#and yet even with everyone i see talking about experiences that ive never related more strongly to i still feel very Othered for it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

winderlylandchime · 6 months

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1/2 hello, hope you guys are doing good. I have no clue what time it is for you. But i am back with updates! And if you may noticed that it took a few days it is because SOMEBODY went to a party in only a robe and shorts thinking he won’t get sick and then got sick. And then gave me a cold. Thankfully we are back now with 4x12 (ive never related to Brian during the ride more than now): btw this started with him high as a kite off of cold medicine but thankfully he is more normal than he was when they had him on the strong pills. Lowkey glad that is over. *Brian walks off in the intro* ‘someone should make a compilation of every time that man is barefoot. Did they even give him shoes half of the time?’ The ep starts with the parent/teacher conference ‘i cant believe that I actually like Mike as a parent. He’s actually better as a dad (mikey introduces himself) where the fuck did Bruckner came from? Did he just marry himself to Ben? Imagine if Justin did that? Brian would have a stroke.’ ‘NO MY POOR BRIAN! please tell me his cancer is gone? I hate seeing him a hospital gown. This is giving me flashbacks to when I was in the hospital *immediately pauses and raises his hand at me* not that someone was grabbing my balls at the hospital. WHAT DOES HE MEAN CANT BE CERTAIN THE CANCER WONT REOCCUR?! you better be fucking sure. (Brian asks about the drugs and alcohol and the doctor is being kinda strict) *pauses ep and looks at me* is this…is this how it looked like when I was at the doctor when I asked about the cancer? (Me: yes kinda. But more embarrassing)…hm. Noted’ ‘man, they really suck at doing Charity. First that carnival and now this. Maybe just don’t do it anymore. Or better yet, start asking Bri Bri for help’ Emmett and Ted are talking about his secret affair with a celebrity ‘be honest, would I have a shot with Brian? *he starts laughing at the scene where Drew is on every poster* man, Bri Bri really knows how to do marketing (that scene happens where a lady thinks Em is begging for money and gives him some) oh that’s happened to me too. Both of those. I once crossed a busy street and almost got hit by a car to give money to a homeless guy and when i dropped it into his cup it made that plonk sound cause he had coffee in it. And then like a few months later some kid did the same to me but I didn’t want her to be embarrassed so I told her “god bless you, i haven’t eaten all day” *goes back to the ep as if all that was normal to experience* ‘i know it’s a lesbian relationship but holy fuck they really did turn Lindsay into a stereotypical straight guy from shows…(Mel is now attacking Linds about not being a lesbian) *he lets out the BIGGEST gasp ever and then gets up and walks out for a cigarette and comes back in* WHAT THE FUCK IN THE HOLY FUCK WAS ALL THAT? I’m confused cause she also cheated so like some of the stuff shes saying..girl be for real. But the rest? WHAT?’ ‘Ahh look at them all going to the gym together! Hold the fuck up, so we went from Brian not telling Justin anything to Brian telling Justin his doctor is letting him only light activities? Ahhhh young love. So now everyone knows he has cancer?’ The scene with Drew stalking Em is on ‘that is the uglies car in the world. ugh him. DO NOT GET IN! Who does he think he is? Oh you miss him? Fuck you. EMMETT BE STRONG!…should I remind either of you that you have a wife’ hunter and callie are now on screen kissing ‘OH MY GOD. This feels wrong. NO THEY ARE CHILDREN STOP. i need Brian and Justin back. Please stop it. No. No. What am i watching? No (he is hiding his face behind a pillow because he is uncomfortable) fuck i forgot about the HIV. Oh shit. Oh no. Dude you really waited till you guys are in bed? Aw she is so sweet, i love her. But make this go away. Give me Brian and Justin’ ‘BRIAN TOOK HIS CLIENT TO THE HOSPICE? He cares so fucking much. Of course he is saving the day. Renowned humanitarian? Is Ben gonna be sponsored by the client?’

Hi dear sweet anon! I’m doing well. I went to a concert on Halloween which was amazing but also the crowd and traffic were ridiculous. Then, yesterday, two of my closest friends got married (to each other). It was a small courthouse wedding but it was like 2 hours away from where I live so lots of driving and also lots of fun.

I am laughing so hard over your brother’s reaction to “is this how it looked when I was at the doctor and asked about the cancer.” OMG yes but far worse.

Mel attacking Lindsay about not being a lesbian is the worst. It makes me sick that it’s in this show that I love. So bad.

BRIAN TOLD JUSTIN THAT HIS DOCTOR CLEARED HIM FOR LIGHT ACTIVITY! it’s growth!

Ohhh Hunter and Callie, your brother is about to have his heart broken.

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023

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canyon-of-chaos · 10 months

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Vent under cut, as well as a mentions of my aversed (slowly declining into negative) attitude toward nsfw. As well as sexism. Also nonsensical metaphors ahead. Idk what else to tag but I promise it’s not as bad as it seems

Also, I’m not tryin to hurt anyone with this!! I’m so sorry if I do,,, I’ll fix it if it is. I shouldn’t be hurting others with my mind! I’m not a psychic type Pokémon!

I also might skirt around words, but this isn because Im trying to censor stuff, it’s because I don’t wanna type the words

I like tumblr bcs i can see what I want to for the most part and I don’t have to worry about running offensive jokes when I don’t want them but like, sometimes the sheer amount of nsfw or suggestive content across the whole of social media can be a bit,,,, much. I know, the ban is important stuff and ppl do like the content, but it’s like an five dimensional world to me, something you can not, and never will understand even a sliver of.

With the new ppl from Reddit (not that it or they’re a bad thing) I feel like I’m seeing a lot more of it, alongside the types of memes and jokes that I go to tumblr to run from, and I’m a lil bit tired of it. The only ppl in the whole world who would understand how I feel are either by sibling or a friend who I can’t always talk to. Even the aro and ace communities feel distant now.

I wish I had my own goddamn site where I could actually feel free of stupid sexist stereotypical “BoYs Vs GiRlS” jokes, and a site where bots throw unwanted content in your face, on every site people always belittle anyone who’s a woman, and places where people speak about stuff that makes me uncomfortable, even though it usually isn’t bad. Those who are nice and alright shouldn’t have to change, now that tumblr is basically a safe place for refugees from other sites.

But it’s hard for me to change, and although I’m trying, changing my mindset against this stuff is like trying to move a heavy object that you could’ve sworn moved a bit, but the moment you look at where it is you realize it barely moved at all. I think before I can help myself I need to understand what it is that I’m so stressed about and why, and neither of those ive figured out yet.

I know that there’s nothing wrong with it, but for some reason I’m just really hard to convince. Even worse, as a kid I never learned much about it beyond nature documentaries, so I know that these feelings might have came from myself instead of religion.

While I clear my mindset I think I need my own site, a space where I can escape to, without others needing to accommodate me. Ppl say that everyone ‘isn’t alone’ but for the most part I feel like every experience they talk about doesn’t even relate to mine. I’m isolated on this deserted island I trapped myself on, and hope that one day, I’ll finally leave. Until then, I’ll carve myself a boat by hand, bit by bit. You know what, even if I’m alone in this, I’m still going to make an effort, one step at a time!

#vent #foxxe talks

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milabrew · 1 year

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my parents never liked me

tw - talk of su1c1de and d3ath

honestly it was a feeling ive had all my life but never acknowledged because I never wanted it to be true. i ignored it and buried it until recently. maybe its because im becoming more emotionally mature? but more and more things they did made me feel like they dont like me. do they love me? maybe. probably. but only because im their daughter and the fact that we're blood related. but that also might be me deluding myself just so I dont feel completely horrible about them not liking any aspect of me. today really did it for me when my dad admitted in not liking me ever since i was a child. makes sense because what have I done for him right? love and attention from him is transactional and so since I never provided him with anything of value he treated me and looked at me like i was garbage. he yells at me, degrades me right in front of my mom too but she never says anything no never ever. because she agrees with everything he's saying though she'll never say so. nobody has ever truly loved me. not even my parents so-called "unconditional" love was real. if I wasn't their daughter they'd have me thrown out.

no experience has made me ever want to actually die more than this one. i truly believe that everyone's lives would be better off without me burdening them. would they see that they cared for me after I die? or would they be happy that they finally don't have me around.

annoyingly, I haven't gotten the courage yet to actually go through with it. idk what's holding me back because I dont want to be here anymore. i dont want to be perceived, looked at, judged, talked to, compared, or critiqued anymore. nobody here actually cares for me anyways. no difference in me being here or not. better off gone if living is too exhausting for me anyways.

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feisty-yordle · 2 years

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Thinkin bout how so many dykes who later become gaydens didnt know how easy they probably had it in the women department. Probably all of them would have become successful lesbians if, early enough, they realized how men and women actually work.

I mean who can blame them? Teenage boys dont know whats up during puberty either. They learn by making mistakes, fueled by insane levels of test. Girls dont have that. Guys also know theyre supposed to like girls and date them. And that women see them as guys. Girls dont have that mental programming either.

(At least we can later commiserate on how girls gave us attention and we were completely blind to the kind of attention they were giving us.)

(YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO BE THAT DYKEY TO GET FEMALE ATTENTION ITS SO FUCKING EASY LIKE ok tangent time

Most of middle school and high school i looked like a stereotypical nerd girl. I was super nice, and everyone knew me as quiet nice girl. And yet,

- when i approached girls for friendship they glared at me with suspicion - when i ignored women and did my own thing they acted friendly toward me and asked me to hang out with them

I didnt even do anything. Didnt care about the dumb bullshit they talked about. DIdnt talk about boys with them and paint nails and take part in their reading club. But i was invited to all the slumber parties, and people cared about everything i had to say (which was very little). Which made me very suspicious but i enjoyed the attention.

God if i had just realized that once a girl hits puberty she doesnt magically treat females differently from males because of sex. They care about energy. Ive heard so many lesbians talk about how they were shooed away from girls when it was time to change clothes, as if they were seen as male. But they werent. I never saw myself as a girl or a boy, but i assumed people in 6th+ grade saw me as a girl. But it didnt mean people, particularly women, were treating me like one. Gosh no wonder “gender is a social construct” is such a fem thing. And when i learned about gay stuff, i thought, “girls dating girls? That’s cool, in theory. Not like i have the opportunity.” like wHAT

This continued through college, too, although it stopped being being invited to girl groups and lunch tables (i did hang out at lunch with people but it was people in my extracurrics and mostly boys) and instead being women walking right up to me and talking to me like i had always been their gal pal. This is probably where my experiences diverge from most men (maybe not gay men) because women are so much more comfy around other women (and gay men) than men. It was in college i got my first “i love you” from a non-blood-relation girl. The first time a girl said to me “its not that i havent thought about it...”

And still it didnt register. Even after i heard of trans stuff and started playing with gender presentation and identity. Because i wasnt pretending to be a man or looked like one, then nothing could be happening between me and women (unless they were a Lesbian) because i wasnt a Lesbian.

I wonder.... if i had, back in middle school, had the guts to hang with the guys on the guy side and really be myself, if i would have figured it out back then (or someone else for me). The most progress i made on my sex social skills & awareness was when hanging out on 4chan. The closes thing to a boys locker room, and being treated as a boy by boys, i could get.

“No opportunities” I had... let me count... ok i cant remember all the girls in my squad but it had to be at least ten. Realistically probably only 2 or 3 actual opportunities but i coulda got in so much practice. More maybe if i lifted weights like i originally wanted to (thanks mom). You dont even have to bang or makeout with your gf in that age range, so fuckin easy jfc i was such a dumb pussy

Im rollin in pussy now tho 😎

#dear diary #women #girls #dumb lesbians

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beepboop358 · 3 years

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Victor Creel Theories

(also includes ST movie DNA series: Star Wars)

Victor Creel is described as "a disturbed and intimidating man who is imprisoned in a psychiatric hospital for a gruesome murder in the 1950s." We know he will be institutionalized at Penthurst mental hospital, where Peter Ballard works, based on leaked on set pics.

There a few possibilities regarding his character:

He could be a former test subject with some kind of powers and a connection to the upside down (which would also follow the even/odd season pattern of a main character being directly involved with the upside down creatures) I think it's highly likely that Victor Creel will be involved with the mystery/danger in Hawkins in some way, and have a connection to the upside down. He could also be disturbed on top of this, and he could be involved in Eleven's storyline this season.

That he is not a test subject and is ONLY mentally disturbed.

He may be related to one of the already established characters. Most likely Joyce, and maybe Terry but it's a stretch.

Before I go any further into that last possibility, I just want to preface that this idea of an "evil father/grandfather with powers" could be a purposeful Star Wars parallel. The Duffer brothers have already paralleled and used Star Wars references a few times in the show:

In Star Wars, Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father, and Palpatine is Rey's grandfather (aka the literal worst guy in the universe). A common theme in ST is abusive/bad fathers - that post here. Interesting...

Palpatine is also Anakin Skywalker's father, so Luke and Leia are both the grandkids of Palpatine as well as Rey is, but it's unclear if they are just force midichlorian related or actually dna related as well but I won't get into that here!

Luke and Rey are both force sensitive (have powers), so are Darth Vader and Palpatine; their descendants (kid/grandkid) have powers, and so do they (father/grandfather) The descendants use their powers for good, while the ancestors use their power for evil. Who has powers in ST? Eleven and Will - and they both already have this idea of abusive/bad/evil fathers: Will has an abusive father Lonnie, and Eleven has an abusive father figure Dr. Brenner "Papa".

So... Victor Creel being the evil/bad grandfather to either Eleven or Will and the evil/bad father to Joyce or Terry, would make a FULL Star Wars parallel to people who are morally good and have powers (Will and El - Luke and Rey), discovering they are the descendant of an evil male figure who also has powers (Victor Creel - Darth Vader and Palpatine)

If Victor Creel turns out to be the father of anyone in the show my bets are it's either Joyce Byers or maybeee Terry Ives.

If he was a test subject, its likely he went "crazy" with some of his powers and the government couldn't cover it up so they declare him mentally insane to get him committed, and he probably goes insane being locked away as well. Personally, I think he may be 001 or an early test subject, when they were still working out the kinks of the program, and I think he does have a big connection to the upside down.

The Duffer Brother's on s4: "In Hawkins a new horror is beginning to surface, something long buried, something that connects everything"....

Now let's get into the possibilities for Creel's storyline/who he could be related to (split into 3 parts).

Part 1: Creel could be Joyce's father

Based on Victor Creel's description as "disturbed" and that he is "in a psychiatric hospital", it could connect him to Joyce's bloodline.

There are several comments in the show hinting to this idea of mental instability in Joyce's family:

s1 ep.5: When Lonnie comes to visit in s1 after Will goes missing, Joyce says to Lonnie "No, don't look at me like that, like how everyone is looking at me, like I'm out of my damn mind" He responds saying "I think you need to consider the possibility that this is all in your head. Remember your Aunt Darlene?" Joyce quickly replies, "No, this is not that."

That conversation, although quick, is very telling. Lonnie is implying that Joyce had an aunt who was mentally unstable - and Joyce clearly knows about her aunt being unstable because she responds to his comment by saying what's she's experiencing is not that (the mental instability of her aunt)

s2 ep.2: Joyce says to Bob, "this is not a normal family", when he suggest moving out of Hawkins.

I used to think Joyce was always was referring to the whole 'my son got stuck in an alternate dimension with supernatural monsters and is now traumatized, and we were sworn to secrecy by the government' thing but maybe she is also referring to her biological family.

s1 ep.2: When they are searching for Will, one of the other police officers, says "Joyce is one step from the edge" and the other officer responds "She has been several steps for quite a while now".

If Joyce is related to Victor Creel biologically, and he did also happen to be a test subject, has powers, or has some other relation to the upside down, this could possibly have contributed to whatever kind of abilities Will has, because he would be a descendant of Creel. But Joyce does not seem to have any powers and neither does Jonathan. If they were related to Creel, it's odd that they both didn't get powers, but Will did. I've always thought Will was born with his powers, like El.

We know almost nothing about Joyce's past, it's never discussed in the slightest in the show, which I feel like is purposeful. We don't know Joyce's maiden name; she doesn't change it back after she and Lonnie divorce. Maybe the Duffers are saving Joyce's backstory for s4 (and possibly s5), like I think they are doing with Will and El's connection. Will, El, Hopper, and Joyce were pictured in a series of 4 tweets posted by the stranger writers, hinting to the main 4 storylines for season 4. My analyzation of this tweet here.

I think it's possible that Joyce's storyline this season could also have to do with her past- not just her searching for Hopper- but also more personal information about her. Perhaps we will see flashbacks of younger Joyce and maybe learn about her biological relatives.

Noah also said this would be the darkest season for Will, so this idea of being the grandkid of someone evil or disturbed could fit into that.

Part 2: Creel could be Terry's father/Eleven's grandfather

The only other person I could see potentially having a biological; relation to Victor Creel could be Terry Ives and Eleven, (because it would complete the Star Wars parallel mentioned earlier) but it's a stretch for several reasons, the main one being that Terry and Becky's father Bill Ives, died in a car crash (year unknown).

So for Victor Creel to be Terry's father that either has to be:

Her adoptive father OR

Her mother cheated and led Mr. Ives to believe Terry was his kid but her father is really Victor Creel, and Becky is actually Bill Ives son (which would explain why Becky has no powers)

Right of the bat it's interesting Terry's father's name is Bill. Bill is a nickname for William (Will Byers full name is William), and Billy's a nickname also for William... Hmmm....

Immediately after El is born, Terry is adamant that Brenner stole her child to use as a weapon to fight the commies BECAUSE SHE HAD SPECIAL ABILITIES - and she's completely right about everything. How does Terry know El had powers immediately after she was born? Because she knows she has developed some kind of special abilities from the experiments as well. When El goes to visit her mother in s2, THE LIGHTS FLICKER, just like they do when the upside down is near, but it's not Eleven controlling it. Her Aunt Becky says it's just the wiring, and Eleven responds: "IT'S MAMA. She wants to talk." And then we see Terry's NOSE BLEED, just like El's does when she uses her powers.

Quick side note about El's biological father is Andrew Rich: (It's revealed in the canon novel Suspicious Minds that Andrew Rich is El's father) He was a college student who got expelled from school due to protesting the Nixon address, making him eligible to be drafted in the Vietnam war, and he died in battle. Terry was involved in the Project MKUltra experiments at Hawkins National Laboratory in College, under the direction of Dr. Martin Brenner, but didn't know she was pregnant at the time. Andrew never even knew Terry was pregnant, meaning she was extremely early on in her pregancy at the time he was sent away, not even Terry was aware yet. It's also stated in this book that BRENNER HAD A HAND IN GETTING ANDREW EXPELLED SO HE COULD SEND ANDREW AWAY. The novel states that Brenner has Andrew drafted because he wants to SCARE Terry, to show her how much power he has over her life. There's definitely some history between Terry and Brenner that we don't know about yet.

If Victor Creel is in fact Joyce's father it's interesting that the powers seem to have skipped a generation with Joyce, and also one kid with the Byers, but if Victor Creel is Terry's father, no generations were skipped in passing down powers. ANYWAYS, this is all just theories and speculation since we have no actual concrete reasons to believe he will be related to Joyce or Terry.

Part 3: The possibility that Creel could be involved in Eleven's storyline this season does not rely on them being biologically related.

**One of the filming locations for this season is the Claremont House, which is RUMORED to be Creel's house and also "Vecna's lair" the new monster for s4 (unconfirmed) This is the house the Hawkins group goes into in the ST4 sneak peek, where they see the grandfather clock striking midnight. If that's true, there's a connection between Creel and the upside down and having powers, which could connect Creel to Eleven. The Duffers: "In Hawkins a new horror is beginning to surface, something long buried, something that connects everything". This thing "that connects everything", could be Creel's storyline (his possible connection to the lab/upside down/person in the show), because Creel's storyline also spans all the way back to the 1950's and before that, so there's our "long buried" part most likely.

Robert Englund recently revealed in *an interview* that his character Victor Creel gouges his eyes out, making him unable to see. Englund also mentions what it's like working with Millie Bobby Brown and talks about the first time her met her, he doesn't mention any other cast members in detail like he does Millie.

He's clearly working closely with Millie's character Eleven.

But why? I think Creel could be involved with Eleven getting her powers back, and her reliving her past. Once the government baddies realize El has no powers, they're gonna want them back. If Creel was in fact a test subject, maybe there is some kind of connection between them, Such as Eleven revisiting what happened to her in her past and how that could relate to her getting her powers back.

Another thought I had was that perhaps the gruesome murder he committed is somehow related to something that ends up impacting in Eleven's life.

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Whatever Victor Creel's storyline is, it will be an important one, and it will carry somewhat into s5, since he will be a returning character. He is not signed as a series regular, but as a recurring character, which means we don't really know to what capacity he will be in s5. It could be flashbacks mostly, or he could have just as big or small of a role.

Source: indie wire

That detail about eyes being gouged out reminds me of fear street 1666 when the townsmen who was sacrificed to the devil becomes possessed and gouges the kids eyes out. Leigh Janick, director of fear street, is married to Ross Duffer. They both direct and make horror/sci-fi themed series about kids in a small town set in the 80's, who fight supernatural evil with a heavy undertone of queer themes, that are even filmed in a lot of the same locations (the mall, the town streets, etc.) I'm not saying it's the same thing, it definitely won't be. But there's so many similarities between ST and Fear Street, I thought I would mention this as another.

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itscoldinwonderland · 2 years

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indoctrination? ive been following you for a long time and i was an antisjw/feminist too im not anymore either. i never felt like i was indoctrinated into it.

I think that's valid but my experience is my own.

The group I associated with is the one that screamed about "facts" and "logic" and yet it definitely felt like I was just supposed to accept certain things if they were said by the right people or in the right way and I wasnt supposed to question the group of people I associated with.

There was no drive to think critically about other people's positions and how they related to their other thoughts and beliefs. That means if someone was a literal Nazi, we'd still reblog them as long as they made a "good point". Something something broken clock. - of course not everyone was like this and maybe not with Nazis, but it definitely happened and was common to see posts floating around by shit people because they said one ""good"" thing.

Radicalization. It was REALLY easy to be radicalized and I mean really. Literally the only thing preventing me from being radicalized was my marginalized identity. But every so often I felt like I was sinking a little bit deeper.

Let me explain.. I started out watching a lot of anti sjw videos, ya know you got your Blaire White and your shoeonhead and your repzion and whatever whatever.. but then it was Ben Shapiro and Prager U.. and then it was Lauren Southern and Paul Joseph Watson. Some of this I blame on youtubes algorithm.

And just in case ya don't know... Lauren Southern is a literal white nationalist no matter how much she denies it. Paul Joseph Watson on the other hand is a big conspiracy theorist who is associated with Alex Jones. I watched them VERY frequently! And I tried to convince myself that I was just interested in their veiws, ya know that I just wanted to understand but I'd get a little more okay with their bigotry everytime I watched their videos. THAT IS RADICALIZATION. WHEN THE HATRED KEEPS SOUNDING A LITTLE LESS BAD.

Then I would log on to this awful site and I'd be bombarded with the same talking points. The antisjw group was full of the far right because anything that can paint social justice as bad is good for people who don't want social justice. It was inescapable but it wasn't like self identified Nazis screaming they hate Jews, it was always framed in a digestible matter and when it wasn't it was "just a joke/meme". Because that's how radicalization works.

I always excused jokes, even if they rubbed me the wrong way. Have you ever heard of Stonetoss? Maybe not but you might have seen his comics especially if you were involved with the antisjw groups. Well he's an actual Nazi and I mean, white nationalist, Jew hating, Nazi. And yet his comics would get shared around because they'd be antisjw comics. But that's how they get you, it starts with antisjw comics and then you're see a comic that says Jews are evil. Sadly his comics still get shared around probably by unknowing people but that makes it more scary because we were unknwoing too!

I never argued with anyone on the far right about the far right and I never saw anyone do it because if they weren't us, they were at least our allies. I think a lot of antisjws would make excuses (see:broken clock) or they would outright ignore the radicals. But a lot of antisjws were centrist and moderates who wanted to find the middle ground, which ultimately turned into exusing the far right and critizing the far left.

I was young. I was 16! Some of the antisjws in my circles, especially the ones who were far right, were much older than me! That alone made it feel like it was okay. I was a kid I didn't know better.

I have a lot of thoughts about all this and so my thoughts are all over the place I'm sorry. I feel horrible for the way I use to think and the people I associated with and the things I would promote and the things I would excuse. It was unacceptable.

#text post #anti sjw #anti feminism #social justice #and none of this is to say you cant critize the left or social justice movements or certain people in these groups #im just talking about my experience with antisjw and antifeminism #politics

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isitovernowfromthevault · 3 years

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ur tags.....if u ever want to share these thots abt the sw*ftie fandom, I promise I will reblog and scream your post on the rooftops. it’s the best tea there is

My thoughts are kind of a mess and they change as we see more and more internet creators speak out about the fucked up nature of parasocial relationships.

It basically goes like this: ever since her MySpace days, but particularly around the Secret Sessions and tumblr interactions, Taylor herself has basically functioned as a BNF (big name fan) within the fandom. For the longest time, BNF’s have been kind of a replacement creator inside the fandom. For example, you could never have an actual conversation with JKR (ew) and actually change her mind about what she was going to do with Harry Potter, but maybe you could get Cassandra Claire to become your friend and listen to you for suggestions on fanfiction. Or at least laugh at your jokes. And so fandom became an insular activity somewhat separated form the creator.

This barrier did not exist in swiftdom, because back when she was a teenager, Taylor realized that she was basically sharing her diary with her fans and she wanted to actually meet these people. And then swifties realized that, if they got lucky, they could get the actual creator to laugh at their jokes and even invite them to her house. So swiftdom never really developed outside the ever present Taylor, and, likewise, Taylor never really stopped trying to meet as many fans as possible. Neither side took the traditional role.

So of course this leads to a unique kind of insanity. On one hand, swiftdom has a very unique hierarchy defined by Taylor herself: secret sessioneers. Its undeniable that she approves of these fans AND they have access to special content, so they’re at the top. At the same time, these people suddenly have a huge amount of responsibility, they have to not spill the beans for starters, but they also end up with a huge audience, and now “policing” the fandom is kind of up to them as well. If you think its inappropriate to speculate on her romantic relationships, you may just yell at people and log off, or ignore the drama. But if you think its inappropriate AND Taylor follows you AND invited you to her house, then the least you can do is make sure tumblr is a safe place for her, so now you have to be very careful about how you talk about it. Fandom becomes a spectacle. Its all very fucked up, because of course she doesnt actually see everything thats going on, and its not really her duty to police everything everyone says in her name, but the fandom acts like it is.

Her solution as of this year seems to be to distance herself from fandom, which, while on the surface is the most sensible solution, does leave an entire fandom without the leader it used to have. (who also never functioned as a traditional leader but thats besides the point). Now you have the same homophobia and bigotry except without the classic “Taylor liked” that would put a stop to it, so thats a mess. I think its also important to remember that whatever Taylor liked or reblogged was interpreted by the fans. She was kind of an oracle that came in to say “oh I like that” and then everyone would be left scrambling to figure out what exactly she liked. Im still not sure how I feel about her leaving, or what exactly I think her responsibility to and inside the fandom is.

The whole ask blogs thing is a separate but somewhat related discussion: there are always going to be BNF’s thats just... human nature to create leaders I guess. It also leads to a lot of trouble. You have people trusting other people with their problems and life stories, because they want to be seen. But now you have blogs that receive dozens or hundreds of asks a day that are also forming parasocial relationships with their followers. Once again you have someone who cannot possibly be expected to deal with so many people on a personal level (and cant even if they wanted to-these are anons we’re talking about). And then you get, yet again, a hierarchy.

I think to condemn any sort of structure besides purely horizontal is to say you cannot have a fandom bigger than a dozen people and I dont think thats the solution. I think its ok to have gif makers, people that interpret lyrics, make masterposts, gossip, or even blogs that give advice. Its fine to have some BNF’s, and fandom really isnt fandom without them, but its also important to acknowledge that they can sour the entire experience because they have too much on them. Anyone can have a bad day and get snappy, and I think everyone needs to realize that you cannot depend on one big blog (or several) for your entire fandom experience. If a big blog, or even Taylor, has a bad day and yells at people (or calls them freaks) its not their fault if the entire fandom then goes down the gutter.

I dont really know, and my thoughts on the matter change every day. For example, I love Taylors Easter Eggs, and i dont think she should stop doing them, I think they can be a very healthy way of interacting with hardcore fans: its saying “this one is just for you guys”. But spend five minutes on Kaylor, or Haylor tumblr and you can see how these are spun wildly out of control to people looking for clues to a truth only they know. (not unlike QAnon).

I dont know, and if you have any thoughts on this please share them. Ive spent most of my life in one fandom or another and I do think Swiftdom has a uniqueness to it that comes from Taylors close interaction with it. Also, shes a mega popstar of truly gigantic proportions so maybe the fandom is just bigger than usual and gives more space for wild things.

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karamazovdmitri · 3 years

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still a bit early to get all personal i feel, but ive been thinking so much about the depiction of kindness in the brothers karamazov and its like... truly a thing that makes this book so important to me. even with previous dostoevsky books, you see him depict characters that are like, jesus and sainthood level of Good, that feel like theyve never thought a mean thing in their entire life, and while i love to see that type of character, it feels more like something to admire than something to get inspired from you know?

but TBK on the other hand gives such an incredible view (to me at least) of kindness not as an inherent trait, but as discipline, practiced and sought, and how it manifests differently for everyone. like of course, the most notable example is alyosha, who i think is the closest to what we'd imagine kindness as. cue that passage about him being the only man in the world you could drop in a random city alone & without money who wouldnt starve or die in the cold... so like YEAH. alyosha is your typical, very high emotional intelligence, puts you immediately at ease, typical idea of kindness we have

but then !! then im thinking about the other two brothers who in my humble opinion are also definitely striving to achieve some form of kindness in their way, or at the very least break the cycle. ive already written before about how seeing ivan as an edgelord is completely missing his character. he is definitely actively working trying to make Something of the world and humans and morals which to me is also so Realistic and relatable in a way, especially when he talks about the whole being young aspect of it. that experience of being in your early 20s and just... looking for answers, wanting to believe in the world but having seen too much of its dark side to truly give into your wishes...... SO SO real.

as for mitya i could (and would) write an entire essay bc i feel like for him it's truly the quest of Self and identity and the kind of person you want to be, yet not committed to it because there IS that question of can you even break the cycle in the first place? is it doable, is it worth it? and despite the fact that he'll act like he surrendered, he also reveals a lot of still clinging on to the idea of Doing Better. and to me, i feel like this translates a lot with him clinging on this idea of kindness and what a good person is like, to almost obsessive levels at times, and all mingled with a search for affection and once again, on god if that doesnt feel a bit too close to home........ anyway i forgot where i was going with all this in the first place but i just think that the brothers karamazov... whew.

#HELP THIS GOT SO LONG #i just reaalllyyy wanted to exteriorize some thoughts #bc ive been thinking about this for literal hours tonight and just think about it a lot in general #and its like damn. TBK really be just picking at my soul and lying it all bare for me to see #anyway idk what to tag this as those are literally just Thoughts lmfao #but also feel free to discuss further if u want. i love discussin #tbk #поехали

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uwua3 · 3 years

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Hello! Sunflowers hold a really special meaning for me so when i read the "sunflower dreams" My heart was so happy!! I havent felt this happy in a long time since quarantine started so thank you for taking the time to write it! It really made my day. If i could request a kazunari x reader where they're both artists that would be amazing. Maybe the reader can be a famous anonymous art influencer? Its up to you! Again thank you so much for writing "sunflower dreams" 💜

i’m so happy i could make you smile ‧⁺◟( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ) it’s messages like these that absolutely make my day! thank you so much for taking your time to even read it, i’m glad to know it touched your heart ♡ i hope you have a good rest of your day—please know all of a3! love you vvv much!!! ｀･ω･)9 i hope this makes your heart happy just like before! thank you, anon, for everything

summary: every time you fell in love, you made a new art piece

author’s note: please smile from this absolutely soft and endearing kazunari fluff! in times like these where negativity is all around us, it’s good to take a break and purposely give yourself happiness. i hope this is a light in your day and makes you experience all the goodness of love! ♡ — concept based on “to all the boys i’ve loved before”

word count: 3,389

music: i like me better – lauv

to everyone i’ve loved before.

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

you created art every time you had a crush so intense, you didn’t know what else to do

no matter how big or small it was, or how long or short it lasted, love is love. even if it was a random stranger you’d never see again or someone you knew for a lifetime, love is love

therefore, there was no exact total. because even if you didn’t remember every single person you’ve made art for, you clearly remembered what it was like experiencing the euphoria of love. the phenomenon of your heart selflessly beating for someone else. the attack of getting hit by cupid’s arrow out of no where. the rush of emotions unlike any other

love was everywhere and you made sure to create something that was a memory of it. that was when you decided to practice art after being unable to recall a person’s face a moment too long

it was your form of a love letter. a picture spoke a thousand words you couldn’t write, and art was the perfect way to convey that. online for everyone to see were your love letters in art form: portraits of everyone you’ve loved

you fell in love again and again, a new art piece posted soon over the years of your life. under the username, to-everyone-ive-loved, a lifelong project was in the works for all of social media to see

unknown to the rest of the world, you were the artist behind the blog “to-everyone-ive-loved” who created portraits from memory

but, you didn’t mean to fall in love with another artist as well

all it took was one comment and you were theirs

it was one of your most recent posts, a finished piece on a stranger you saw. you found yourself in veludo way, the ideal street to find people you’d never forget. after witnessing a sudden street act, only one actor caught your eye that day

you didn’t know his name, but you didn’t need to. you were in love

you immediately rushed home without a second thought, the inspiration and creativity infectious after watching him perform. something about his energy was wildly entertaining and bizarre, like a modern pop song as a person. he was effortlessly trendy, popular, and charismatic just from the few minutes you saw him

the moment he stood up on that street corner like it was a stage, all eyes were on him and he knew it. as you sketched into the day, you remembered the small details clearly. dirty blonde hair with no dark roots in sight, glittering green eyes, wide welcoming smile. he had the face of an actor, that’s for sure

when you posted it right after finishing, you didn’t expect any major attention. on average, your posts got 100 likes or so. while it was an impressive feat, nothing could’ve prepared you for that one comment

kaz-PIKO: i’m in love with your art ♡

as your popularity and fame grew before your very eyes, you clicked on his profile and realized it was him. the actor you had seen earlier at veludo way

you didn’t know what happened, but all you knew was you couldn’t forget this one person, miyoshi kazunari, no matter how hard you tried

no matter where you went, you couldn’t draw anyone else except that boy named kazunari. after scrolling through his entire instablam account, you found out he was an actor for mankai company’s summer troupe. he was a star in his own right, with a stage presence like the spotlight was constantly on him and a heart of gold

this was the first time you ever got so caught up on someone that they didn’t leave your mind. hours became days, and days began becoming a week before you let yourself follow him back

everyone you had ever drawn had never recognized themselves before. it was all because a follower connected the visual similarities between your art and kazunari’s unique traits that kazunari knew you had seen him before

if only he wasn’t a social media influencer with followers reaching the hundreds of thousands. at least, his popularity attracted attention to your profile...

this was a problem, however. because if you couldn’t draw anyone else, what could you do? once again, you stalked kazunari’s blog once again like it was a habit

it was never really a rule to make one love letter per person, but you never had wanted to make another for the same person. until, now

video after video. picture after picture. story after story. you could see kazunari’s face even when you closed your eyes. what about him made you daydream about him constantly? was it his charming voice that could make anyone stop and stare? his intricate piercings that were different every day? his ability to make you feel at home? whatever it was (or maybe it was an accumulation of everything and more), you had to draw kazunari again

when you posted it, you typically didn’t add more to the caption than the date and time. except this time, you felt like all your rules were being broken over someone who had no idea who you were

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (3:33 A.M.) — social butterfly

you watched it upload. it was a piece you had never done before. glowing butterflies of all colors surrounded the center of the masterpiece, a smiling kazunari

hopefully, this would solve whatever feelings you were having and the world would go back to normal. you’d move on, fall in love with someone else, and repeat

it didn’t work, because some time later, you woke up to a comment that made you feel the butterflies in your stomach

kaz-PIKO: like a butterfly, i’ll fly to you, wherever you are~ ☆

and for some reason, you wanted kazunari to find you

you had never felt so motivated to draw before. however, your muse was the same. a beautiful boy named miyoshi kazunari who was slowly capturing your heart without even knowing it. you watched the pages in your sketchbook lessen and lessen. the corners of assignments and napkins and anything in between was covered in doodles. if there was a writing instrument in your hand, something related to kazunari would come out of it

it was a fascination. a fixiation, even. you had only seen one performance before falling in love. was it because kazunari responded that it made you feel like you had a chance?

you wouldn’t admit it, but it was becoming embarrassing with how much you were staring at the few unread messages from kazunari in your dm box. they came in right after you had followed him back, and more arrived when you posted the “social butterfly” piece

what was stopping you from talking to your muse? you knew the answer without thinking: what if these feelings were real?

obsessions and crushes come and go, but... love, love stayed. there wasn’t any possibility you could love someone from afar without knowing anything about them, right?

but, then again... you did know some things about kazunari. you knew kazunari was the best actor of all time, with expressions and gestures the equivalent of art. kazunari was art—in every single way possible. everything about him made you want to draw and draw and draw

you only drew kazunari for a certain time, no matter which stranger crossed your path. people you knew you would’ve sketched simply became passer-bys, and it was all because of kazunari’s sunny smile that you were in love. or, what you thought was love

the more you thought about kazunari’s unread dms, the more you wondered what this was. why did kazunari make you so happy? was this truly the first time you were experiencing... a crush?!

for the first time since that street act, you found yourself in veludo way. while half of you was hoping you’d randomly bump into summer troupe’s moodmaker, the other half was petrified about how kazunari was a real person. a very much popular, recognizable person

it was the weekend, and the burden of university projects was telling you to go back and focus. yet, with a sketchbook in one hand and a pencil tucked behind your ear, you were very much prepared to draw to your heart’s content

as you tried to flip to a clean page, you heard something that made your heart flutter. despite the noise and busy atmosphere of veludo, a distinct laugh was audible above the crowd. when you looked up, your eyes barely registered a deep blue jacket before walking straight into the person

you nearly tumbled to the ground before two hands steadied you, a surprised “whoa!” leaving their mouth before being followed by a gentle laugh. the usual embarrassment didn’t set in until you went to go thank the person, only to stop

oh my god. you had just bumped into miyoshi kazunari, your muse for the past month or so

kazunari grinned, even though it faltered slightly at your wide-eyed expression and awkward silence. he didn’t seem to mind as he adjusted his black top hat, pocketing his phone and confidently meeting your gaze

“i’m so sorry~! i hope you’re okay, i’m kazunari!” kazunari introduced and you realized he didn’t know you were behind to-everyone-ive-loved-before. you quickly adjusted yourself, pretending as if this wasn’t the highlight of your entire week

when you introduced yourself, kazunari’s eyes sparkled with interest as he easily led you into conversation. despite being a bit of a socially awkward artist who preferred being alone over anything else, kazunari was... comfortable. you didn’t feel self-conscious of how you acted, because he readily accepted how you were with a smile

was he like this was everyone or... did he find you to be a work of art, too?

standing off to the side, you finally noticed several members of mankai were advertising their latest play. bright, aesthetically pleasing flyers were being handed out to everyone walking by, and you seemed to look a moment too long before kazunari followed your gaze and suddenly snapped his fingers

“oh! are you interested in theatre?” you really weren’t, but you nodded anyways just to see kazunari’s excitement. he pardoned himself for a moment just to snatch a flyer, returning to show it off with a proud smile

“please come to mankai company’s summer performance!” kazunari’s smile sparkled and before he looked around to see if anyone was watching, he winked. kazunari covered the side of his face that was facing his troupe members, pretending as if you two were sharing some big secret

“plus, i’ll be there. if you come, i’ll make sure to do my very best~” kazunari bargained, even though you already knew he was already planning on wowing the audience with his charisma. you took in his genuine want to impress you and the butterflies came back

“i’ll come.” you agreed without even checking the date or reading anything. now all of you just wanted more & more opportunities as the person kazunari was surprisingly interested in, not as the artist who was basically in love with him

agreeing right away was worth it when kazunari shot you a grateful, blinding smile in return. you stumbled over your words with how taken back you were, but asked anyways, “do you like flowers?”

kazunari’s eyes softened for a moment, his usual energy suddenly gone before returning. he seemed genuinely moved by your question, and you wondered how many flowers it’d take to see him smile again like that

“i do, especially if they’re from you.”

“what kind?”

someone called kazunari’s name, insisting they were going to be late for practice. kazunari shouted back an agreement by telling them to go ahead first, before putting all his attention on you once again

“hibiscus.” meaning delicate beauty

before kazunari could ask for your socials, with his hand already reaching for his phone, you cut him off, hoping your voice wasn’t off

“next week. 7 P.M., mankai theatre. i’ll be there, front row.” you promised and took off, rushing off with a wave as kazunari stared after you for a second before waving back enthusiastically

as you left, kazunari was about to leave before he noticed something on the ground. it was a plain sketchbook, unassuming at first but it was nearly bursting at the binding with how many pages there were

when kazunari picked it up, he was about to flip to the first page before mankai called his name again, impatient this time. kazunari held onto the book and sent one last glance towards your direction before disappearing, hurrying to make sure the director wouldn’t penalize him for being the reason everyone was late

when you arrived home, you instinctually reached for the pencil behind your ear. at the same time, you put your hand in your bag, attempting to feel the familiar edges of your sketchbook

then, after turning your bag inside out and finding nothing, you collapsed onto your desk chair with shock and disbelief

you lost your sketchbook in veludo way the moment you met kazunari. what if he had it?

you drew another piece and stared at your screen, wondering if you should post it. it was kazunari once again with a yellow hibiscus flower behind his ear, the same gentle smile you couldn’t perfectly capture gracing his lips

you typed the caption and backspaced before settling on something that only you and him would know

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (8:01 P.M.) — delicate beauty

you hesitated before deleting the post a second after. maybe, you’d keep some artwork to yourself

kazunari had the sketchbook open next to his bedside, his phone in his hands and your profile open. he could recognize your art style a mile away, and the moment he saw the first sketch after practice, he couldn’t believe it

did this explain why he felt such a natural attraction to you? when you bumped into him, kazunari swore he could see the sparks flying. you made him feel like he was falling in love and you only proved him right when you two talked earlier. he wanted to know everything about you, he wanted to see you again

was this what love at first sight felt like? kazunari giddily typed a message over and over again, the unread messages of his filling his screen

kaz-PIKO: heya!! ★>d(,,･ε´-,,)⌒☆ just wanted to say i LOVE your art fr!!! we should totes collab, you know???

kaz-PIKO: thanks for drawing me btw :0 does this mean you live near veludo? let’s meet up!!!

kaz-PIKO: ,,, i don’t usually say this but, that social butterfly piece was breathtaking. you must really like me, huh? (･ω<)☆ jk haha

kaz-PIKO: no but really, it’s beautiful. thank you, honestly. it made my day, you make me happy ♡

kaz-PIKO: you must be really beautiful, too. i would want to draw you as well. lmk if ur up for that haha

kazunari read back his previous messages, all of them delivered but unopened. he realized how... how open he already was with the anonymous faceless artist, despite never interacting with them

now that he knew what you looked like, it only reassured his intuition that he was rightfully head over heels for you

kazunari typed something before deleting it, closing out of instablam and throwing his phone somewhere on his bed

kaz-PIKO: i was right, you are beautiful. i may have fallen in love, too

some things were better left unsaid. after all, you two had until next week to figure everything out

for the rest of the week, all you and kazunari did were think about the other person. a small part of you was afraid kazunari wasn’t the dream boy you imagined, but he was much more. you noticed he started posting more often and turned his notifications, wanting to be one of the first to see his practice videos and university selfies

you didn’t post any of the art you made of kazunari, making it the longest you hadn’t posted ever. kazunari couldn’t help but refresh your account every now and then, hoping he’d see his face again, as selfish as it was. kazunari wouldn’t know how’d he feel if he saw someone else had your heart

the longer time went on, the more you were certain. every fascination you had with someone was temporary, and you remembered the feeling rather than the person. but, with kazunari, you liked him for who he was. everything kazunari made you feel was new and exciting, but even when that went away, you still liked him

kazunari was your first crush, for real

kazunari liked making people like him. so, your online confession through art wasn’t exactly a surprise. but, yours was different. it was earnest, honest, and everything he didn’t know he was needing

kazunari looked through your sketchbook again and again, tracing over the notes you wrote in the margins and admiring your skill

kazunari liked you, and he was certain he would’ve still liked you even if you weren’t to-everyone-ive-loved-before

when showtime arrived, kazunari was oddly nervous. peeking from behind the red curtain, kazunari could already see you were one of the first sitting front row, just like you said. he had practiced his lines a thousand times and summer was fully prepared, why was he nervous?

before he went on, kazunari ignored the urgency of the mankai staff and quickly texted a message to your profile, hoping you’d at least see the notification this time

kaz-PIKO: i like you, too

(when you felt your phone buzz, you quickly silenced it)

the show moved you to a standing ovation, just like everyone else in the audience. as summer walked out to bow and express their gratitude, you watched kazunari’s eyes search for yours as he tilted his head towards backstage. you nodded, knowing you’d do anything to see this kazunari. actor kazunari, who was on cloud 9 with his performance and glowing from praise

you wanted to see, to experience, to draw, all versions of kazunari

after the applause, you looked around backstage before feeling a hand on your arm, the feeling reminiscent of the first time you bumped into kazunari

“you came.” kazunari breathlessly stated, as if he was surprised. before he could say anything else, you presented him with a bouquet of hibiscus flowers. the same shade of yellow you drew him with

“of course, i wanted to see you again.” you honestly admitted, knowing it made you flustered. kazunari carefully took the flowers before grinning, gently placing then beneath his chin. he looked like a vision, you wish you could’ve asked him to stand still so you could capture this moment forever

“i wanted to see you, too.” kazunari softly said, all the energy of being on stage gone. it was tranquil and peaceful, like you two were the only people in the entire theatre

kazunari took a moment to admire you before realizing something, taking something from behind him and presenting it to you. it was your sketchbook on the bottom, but a smaller version was on top of it, signed in silver sharpie. kazunari’s signature was glittering like his eyes as you took it

“next time, let’s draw together.”

kazunari’s sketchbook was filled with you. anything from small doodles to encouraging messages was found inside, with tens of post-it notes of just thoughts about you. kazunari’s art was colorful and extremely out of the box compared to his usual traditional style. it made you smile

kazunari watched you flip through it, already knowing this was the greatest act of love he could’ve declared this early on. he anticipated for you to reach the end

when you landed on the last page, you saw a note

do you want go on a date with me?

“next time, respond to my dms! that way i don’t have to write everything~!” kazunari teased and you two shared a laugh, knowing everything was going to be okay

“yes.”

“yes...?”

“yes, i’ll respond to your dms. and yes, i’ll go on a date with you.”

eventually, you ended up closing your blog for good. your last post was a picture of you and kazunari, with one caption

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (3:33 P.M.) — to the one boy i love now, i love you

kaz-PIKO: i love you, too ♡

#miyoshi kazunari #kazunari miyoshi #a3! act! addict! actors!#a3!#act! addict! actors!#a3! actor training game #a3! headcanons #act! addict! actors! headcanons #mankai a3!#mankai company #a3! x reader #a3 x reader #kazunari x reader #a3! kazunari #a3 kazunari

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ellovett · 3 years

Text

list of people that made this year pretty neat :)

Hi all

Ok so 2020's almost ending (it just ended i started writing this post like....5 days ago??) and i just wanted to do this thing where i have a message towards everyone who supported me/who i think are just very cool and very epic, i only really got into the twst fandom just at the beginning of the year and im just gonna get straight to the point now messages are under the cut :)

@permanentlyexhaustedowl - AYAAAA ;;;;; bro you're literally one of my first long time friends here in the twst community and i just want to thank you for everything, our convos in either public servers or in pms, your love and support for my content,,or whenever i vent to you,,,,,just- your love and support man i appreciate it so much and i cannot thank you enough, you're just so sweet and caring and supportive and friendly just aghhhhhh ;;;;; even your reblogs make me smile uncontrollably and i explode, also all the brainrots i have about my interests ;;; thanks for listening to all of them,,even tho you really didnt have to ;;;;;; I love how we make our twst ocs interact and the little brainrots we have with them ;;; You've helped me so so so much and in so many ways, I am beyond glad that we're bestfriends, you're one of the nicest most caring people ive ever met and i love you so so so much, beyond belief ;; 💕 pls never stop being you?????? You quacking amazing person??????? 😎🤙💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕

@shoujoqueensstuff - AYYYY SHOUJOOOO!!! 😎🤙🤙 hhhh you're also one of the first people ive ever had a long time friendship with here in the twst community, and seriously bitch i love you so much ;;; so so much..i cant go a day without talking to you about literally anything and just vibing, the support and love you've given me over these months is insane i cannot thank you enough for that, all of our rps, convos or just pure brainrot have been so much fun, and i fucking love it that we built our own little world outside of canon,,all the aus we built with our ocs???? I love them. I love them all to death, including your amazing ocs, and even tho we live on literally opposite sides of the world you're always there for me whenever i vent or when im feeling extremely down or insecure ;; ,,im just so so so happy and glad that i met you and that we're bestfriends, i care about you so so so so so much- hhhh i cant put it into words my brain is dying i just- i LOVE YOU BIITCH, I AINT NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH.😎💖💕💖🤙🤙💕💕💖💕 TAKE MY LOVE BITCH 💕💕💕💕💕 thank you so much for sticking around ;; i love you and support you in everything you do so much I could never ever thank you enough for the friendship you've given me..

I can literally go forever on how much i love and appreciate the both of you, i can just scream into the void for all eternity,,but i cant put it into words anymore. You both made my year so great and so epic ;;; i love you guys so much

Now the chaddams 😌

@thetwstwildcard - hi ma :D you're just so cool and so epic lizz ;;; i cant- all of our conversations and brainrots have been super fun and i enjoy your company very much;;; you are just so nice and friendly,, and your ocs (especially staff ocs) are god tier amazing, i will love the nrc mom squad to death. I am honored to be ur child and i love you and father claude (and my four (?) other dads you married) very much 💕💕💕

@alpyssketch - bringer of father claude,,,,i owe you my life alpy,,,,,,but no seriously you're also a very epic person and you're honestly so nice and sweet!!! You never fail to make me feel welcome in any conversation and you're just so damn friendly!!! We may not talk that often but I very much enjoy your company ;;; ily!!! 💖💖💖

@multi-ankin - another very cool and epic person!!!! you're very fun to talk to and you're also pretty funny in the vc fjfjfj, your ocs are all so amazing too! (djdjjd although my staff oc bias makes me go for kas) we should totally talk and make our ocs interact more in the future tho!!!!!! 💖💖

@just-patchy - pATCHYYY!!!! :D hi!!!! you're also a very cool person!! our interactions have been so much fun and i hope we can have more in the future ;;; the ideas you have for your ocs and how you put them into writing is so good!!! like really good!!! And your art has been greatly improving too!!! Never ever think that i dont see you as a friend because i do!! 😤😤💖💖 i care about you bro!! Never forget that!!

@bakujho - :D hi jho!! you're a lot of fun! And I THINK YOU ARE SO DAMN COOL AND BADASS it's unbelievable,,i look up to you jho i wish i could be almost as cool as you when i grow up ;;; the things you've done for this fandom are also very admirable! like the whole gravedigging (jellyfish) situation! But we're not gonna talk about it now- hhhhh you're just so epic jho ;;; seriously 💗💗

@Kurui - hhhhh you're probably not gonna see this ;;; and i cant find your tumblr (if any of the other chaddams could possibly show this to her thatd be so great ;;;) but nonetheless i still think you're just so fun and cursed ;;; and you give so many amazing ideas!!! Your ocs are all also so cool too! Your art is just so detailed you clearly put a lot of thought into them i just admire that sm ;; (also your edits are extremely cursed and epic i love them dearly-)

@twst-the-royals - JULIE :))) HELLO,,,you were actually the first ever person i spoke/interacted with in the fandom! And you were just so nice and friendly and patient with me ;;; im glad that i got to talk to you,,and we dont really talk that much now but pls pls PLEASE know that i care about you so much and that i support you in everything you do ;;; 💖💖💗💖 ill do my best to make you proud!!

@girl-in-the-tower - hey Az!!! ;;;; you're so epic and cool,,honestly i admire you so much, the lore/writing you have for your ocs/fanschools are just so well thought out and so well written ;;; i hope to become a better writer like you in the future, but for now ill just take notes and learn from you ;; you're super encouraging and supportive too!!! I know we dont talk much but i could never thank you enough for all those little yet meaningful moments ;;; 💖💖

@rikanoctrix and @mirrored-pomefiore - hi!!! i know we arent that close but just know that you two are huge inspirations for me when it comes to art, the both of you draw your styles so incredibly well and i admire that so so so much ;;; 💖

@ocean-water-tea - FATHER TEAAAAA QAQ okay so first of all,,,,how can you draw so well using ibispaint, i ask for tips, specifically on how to draw hair and tits 🤲 but seriously though you are so fun to talk to!!! So cursed!!! So ☊⊑⏃⍜⏁⟟☊!!! You encourage me to my true cryptid self (despite aya's protests 👀) and i thank you kindly,,,you are also very funny 😌 a funny little clown simp, and you're super friendly and cheerful too! I almost never feel nervous when reaching out to you ;;; I hope we can have more wacky adventures in the future 💖💖

@zonamemoryverse - HEYYY ZONAAA!!! you're a fairly new person and you've already come so far ;;; you're a very chaotic person to talk to and i enjoy all of our conversations!!! Also our interactions with our ocs were super fun too, and i love hearing any shred of content i can get from ur epic ocs,,,dont stop being epic!!! 💖💖

@namelessfish - Hi fish!!! :DD you've been a very supportive friend to me over these past few months,,and im happy i have someone i can relate my not-so-great experiences with ;;; please know that i care about you dearly and that ily ;; 💖💖💖💖

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@wondersbeyondcompare - JFFJJF BRO DONT THINK I DONT SEE YOU WHENEVER YOU REBLOG MY CRINGY ASS POSTS 👁👁 I SEE THEM AND I CHERISH THEM ALL I REREAD THEM ON SAD DAYS. All the little tags and comments you put on them always make me smile so hard ;;; im just very happy to know that you like whatever the hell im doing and it pushes me to do more!! You're incredibly sweet, dont worry!!! Ill be sure to make you proud!!!! 😭💖💖💖

@circuscarnage - Anna!!!! We dont talk that often but whenever we do it's always so much fun ;;; you're so sweet and i appreciate you so much ;; all the stuff you drew for my ocs are all so incredibly cute and i really have to give back- jUST YOU WAIT ANNA. IM GONNA MAKE FANART OF YOUR LOVELY OCS AND YOU CANT STOP ME- 💖💖💖💖

@twistedapple - hi crow!! :DD again we dont really talk that much but i support you greatly in everything you do!!! You're another epic and cool writer ;;; your writings for your ocs are just sooooo well written and are just so good!! You're also super good at art too!! And i hope to see more from you in the future!!! ;;; 💖💖💖💖

@not-twst-enough - Ellie!!!! ;;; bro you've been supporting me from the very start, from lillet's old ass bio to now, and i very much appreciate it!!!! You're also super friendly in the twst server too ;;; and all the content you have for your ocs is just so exciting! Good luck with the fandorm and all future stuff ;;; ily!!!! 💖💖💖

@fumikomiyasaki - FUMI. DONT THINK I DIDNT FORGET YOU DKDKDK,,,Another cool and amazing person!!! All our brainrots and conversations have been really fun ;;;; thank u for that,, You are very fun person to interact ocs with tho!!! Especially with ships!! MadScientist² will forever hold a place in my heart.,,,💖💖💖

@oiseaunoir11 - hey Al!! :) you were one of the many people i admired and looked up to when i first joined the fandom, your art is something im deeply inspired by and your shitposts at like...4 am in the morning always give me the big funny,,one thing i really admire about ur art tho is how you'd draw backgrounds :0 you've gotten so good at them!! And your poses look super natural and effortless, i hope to be almost of a better artist like you 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♂️ also i cant wait to see ur animatics 👀 they look dope- hope we can talk or maybe even interact ocs more! 💖💖

@leonasbitties - luuuu :))) hiiii,,,we dont usually talk on servers that often but that doesnt mean that i dont consider you as a friend! You have a lot of super cool ideas for ocs and your art is just getting better and better and better with each piece!!!! i look forward to seeing more from you ;;; 💖💖💖

@peteza-mozzarella - PETEEE :DDD another very cool and friendly person, you're literally the sweetest person ive ever talked to and i love our little chats!!! Hhhh you're just super nice and your ocs are super cute,,please never stop being you you epic bean ;;;; 💖💖💖💖

@the27th - Hi Andhra!!!!! You've been quite the long time mutual,,and your reblogs always make my day ;;; you're just so sweet and kind and i always feel at ease when talking to you, the hunger games sessions you host are always super fun even though im often asleep to even participate 😂 thank you sm for the love and support ;;; ill be sure to give them all back to you 💖💖 starting now 💗💗💗💗💗

@mamushroomoracorn - MAMUSH :DD we've only really started talking recently but you're just so nice and friendly ;;;; all of our talks have been so wholesome and great and im so happy about that, and your art is really really really good!! Ur art style is just so unique and so cool!!! ;;;; and dw mamush,, ill show the froggies like i promised soon 😔💖💖💖

@rookvonhunt - HEYYYY 👉😎👉 hi hello i would die for your ocs. If theyd ask me to perish then i will 200%,,ur so epic and cool and all of your ocs are just god-tier, i cant wait for what else you have to offer!!!! 💖💖

@lawlessofdusk - lawless ;;;; aaaaa honestly you're just so kind and sweet, i couldnt thank you enough for all the love and support you've given me!!! And i desperately need more content of ur ocs bc they're all so cool and interesting 😤😤😤💖💖💖 i hope to talk to you more soon!!!!

Fkfjfjfj i think that's all!! Id like to thank you all for sticking around with me with my first year in the fandom ;;; you guys make all the bullshit and drama here worth it 💖💖💖

If i forgot to include you in here then PLEASE DM ME I AM SO SORRY-!!!! I dont want to leave anyone behind!!! So please feel free to confront me about it ;;; happy new year everyone!!!!

#admin post #oooo also feel free to tag any of ur mutuals in ur reblog too!!! make them feel loved yeah?

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kats-kradle · 3 years

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Hi hello yes I actually found your blog while I was looking for Ronon Dex whump, something there is not nearly enough of, and I just wanted to say that should you ever want to share your thoughts about him, whump-related or otherwise, I'm around to hear them,,, I care him very much (which is why I like to see him hurt... funny how that works).

OHOHOHOHOHO DID SOMEONE SAY THE MAGIC WORDS “RONON WHUMP”????? And yes there is not NEARLY enough Ronon whump!!! Buckle up I don’t think you know what you’ve unleashed by offering to let me talk about this XD i have 43 (i counted thats not an exaggeration) unfinished fics where i whump this man so i have A Lot of Thoughts on this so i’ll try to keep my headcanons and general thoughts from getting mixed up so here we go (also I haven’t actually seen past season 3ish but I know like everything)

Just general thoughts

I just love the team dynamic in general the actors had great chemistry with each other

They don’t whump Ronon enough and that is A Crime.

But when they do whump him OH BOY ITS GOOD

Just off the top of my head I can think of the episode where John and Elizabeth were possessed by those people who wanted to kill each other and ronon got SHOT that was dope especially when it showed the surgery but I was so mad there was no aftercare

Also just the fact that after Ronon was shot the guy possessing John said (about John) something like “if only you could hear him right now he is screaming so loud” or something to that effect and I’m not really a John whumper but oh boy the thought of John fighting as hard as he could to try and get control back because he wants to help Ronon rlly adds to the experience

After atlantis flies and John is going around checking the damage and he finds Ronon with the shard of glass in his shoulder juts the way he kneels down next to him is so soft and his voice goes soft too its great

I haven’t gotten there yet but ohoho the enzyme episode where Ronon gets drugged and then has to go through withdrawal ohooho I may have watched that scene a few hundred times

I just love also how fiercely loyal Ronon is and how much he trusts them

That ep where those villagers were going to give them to the wraith and Ronon literally would rather die than let his friends be taken to the wraith I love how John and Teyla go through like 45 heart attacks that’s one of the ones I haven’t gotten to yet but ive seen gifs and oh boy oh boy does it look good

The way I generally describe Ronon is he’s like a bug fluffy dog. Like he’s kind of silly sometimes and he’s very loyal and will kill without hesitation if it means keeping his friends safe

Also just that whole scene when Ronon arrives when John is asking Elizabeth if he can stay is just like a kid asking his mom if he can keep a dog he found

And Ronon has such a sweet smile also I love it when hes happy (but also I love it when hes in pain)

Stargate Atlantis was very well directed because for most definitions of “good acting” you can see “oh this character is sad. Now they are happy” which I do understand that many people prefer this because they have difficulty interpreting facial expressions but I absolutely adore how subtly expressive the actors are because to me it’s fascinating to decode what the character is feeling. They act like real people and talk in the way real people would and it seems super natural and not scripted, and you can just tell in their interactions that the characters care for each other a lot and its beautiful

Now that I’ve said something vaguely scholarly-like its time to move on to the mess of headcanons

Headcanons

So when rewatching season 2 with my sister I realized the amazing potential for angst involving Kell (his old commander who he killed) so in my mind even though he’s very loyal to John at first it was more of a “you saved my life now I’ll watch your back because I owe you” and he had difficulty trusting any of them but especially John this changes over time ofc but he can’t help being wary of command

I also hc that Kell would punish the soldiers in his division for being “unfit” for battle so like if they broke a leg or something they would be punished (this is mostly just for my guilty pleasure of ANGST) so that way they would “be more aware” of their surroundings and whatnot

Also disobey direct orders was a big no no and you know how laid back John usually is with orders so the first time Teyla disobeyed a direct order after Ronon joined the team John was grumbling about it in a way Teyla knew wasn’t serious but Ronon just kind of panicked and started lying his ass off and saying he threatened her into doing it and he should take the punishment which led to an awkward conversation (awkward for Ronon, it left his teammates ready for some murdering)

He hides injuries because he was alone for so long and never had anyone to take care of him so he just forgets that he has to mention it and in his mind some injuries might not be that bad

Beckett is constantly chasing him around after missions desperately trying to get him to hold still for long enough to do a check

Ronon hates pain medicine because it tends to dull his senses so in his mind all the more reason to avoid Beckett

He is really good friends with Beckett but just not when he’s hurt

Usually he wanders into the medbay after bad nightmares if Beckett is on night shift and will just sit there

One time he hesitantly asked if Beckett could check to make sure that the tracker was actually gone for good

Ronon was expecting to get laughed at but Beckett took the request with the upmost seriousness and ran all the tests he could think of to calm Ronon’s fear

One time Ronon stumbled into the medbay and he obviously hadn’t slept in a while and was flinching at every noise so Beckett made up an excuse to “take some blood to test and see if it would be compatible with vaccines for the common sicknesses humans get” and just like. Sedated him. Ronon felt betrayed at first but quickly realized that Beckett only did it because he cared about him and wasworried. He did try to get more sleep after that tho

Oh and you can bet Beckett goes off at him if he ever ends up in the medbay which he does to everyone but especially Ronon because usually he’s either dragged there or he’ll come in like “yeah so three days ago for the last mission I got hit in the side and now I’m coughing up blood so…” and then will just like pass out

While he was a runner he trained himself to be a light sleeper so adjusting to Atlantis was difficult because the ocean would wake him up every night at first

Also thunderstorms are The Worst to him because 1. It gives him PTSD for when he was a soldier and the wraith were attacking and 2. When he was a runner thunderstorms were almost a death sentence because the wraith could track him but he couldn’t hide he couldn’t hear and he couldn’t see so yeah thunderstorms are real bad for him

He has a constant fear of leading the Wraith to his new home and his new family oh also I decided that he doesn’t know if his mother died or not so every place they go he’s hopeful he’ll see her

This is a hc I had before I knew it was basically canon but he and the team hang out in the cafeteria a lot especially after nightmares they just all gravitate there

Also I haven’t gotten here yet so I’m just going off of what I know but he kind of tried to leave after Beckett died because he managed to find a way to blame himself also one of my hcs is that Beckett would tell him about Scotland all the time and had decided that if they ever got the opportunity to go to Earth then Ronon was coming to Scotland with him sooo ehehhe the angst of Ronon going to earth for Beckett’s funeral and going to Scotland with Beckett but not in the way either of them wanted

On to softer hcs just cuz

He loves hugs. 7 years of being alone would make anyone want a hug.

Children gravitate to him for some reason. Logically it doesn’t make sense because he’s so big and a bit intimidating but children just adore him

He carries extra snacks for Rodney

He can’t swim. Somehow he went his entire life without knowing how to swim which Rodney is astounded by and goes on about it for a minute or so

John took it upon himself to give him swimming lessons. John was a terrible teacher but Ronon managed to get the idea

He loves cocoa, specifically loaded with marshmallows. Teyla jokes he likes the marshmallows more than the cocoa

Wow this has gone on so much longer than I thought it would

So that’s it! you unleashed the beast. I now demand to hear your thoughts on ronon because boy oh boy hes a great whumpee and im not sure ive met many if anyone who likes to whumpe him so im super excited!!

#whump #angst #ronon dex #stargate atlantis #headcanons #this was so fun you hav eno idea how long those thoughts have been rattling in my brain with no one to talk to about #asks #ronon whump :)#(:

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lostzombiewandering · 2 years

Text

There’s nothing appealing about recovery

I’ve been sick for most of my life and honestly can’t really recall a time I didn’t feel this way even as a small child; but since I never had any particularly traumatic experience I always felt ungrateful for these feelings and buried them next to all my hopes and dreams.

Of course it doesn’t help that I’ve been told my entire life that showing symptoms of mental illness is a privilege and if you are desperate you have to put your big boy pants and put your emotions aside and do what you have to do.

So I did what I had to do; I hide all the sick away. Nobody has ever known about the extent of my SH or that I even have an ED or then 7 attempts. I’ve always done this alone bc I know they don’t want to see it; this isn’t just speculation I know I don’t have anyone I can confide in bc nobody wants to see the sick. Ppl support mental illness up until the moment it can’t be romanticized anymore; up until it’s blood and vomit.

Having said that I’ve always been aware how insane what I do to myself is and the statistics. I’ve always been aware of all of this even when I started doing these things to myself.

The thought of recovering has obviously crossed my mind more than once bc In the few moments of sanity and clarity Ive had I wanted to escape this hell once and for all.

But GOD it’s impossible to relate to anyone that has recovered or is even in the process of it.

They way we are talked about is almost infantilizing to the point of nausea and I can’t stand any talk about it anymore. I keep hearing therapist explain to me what I’m doing to myself instead of listening to ppl that SH and their reasons. The way we are talked over is just terrible. Also the way only cutting is ever even mentioned as SH when so many methods far more dangerous with long term consequences exists and yet cutting is portrayed almost as a crime. “Harm reduction” but forget that anything in the hands of someone that SH is a weapon PLUS a permanent scar is a far less severe consequences that fucked up kidneys but hey let’s ignore all other forms of SH and demonize the one with the least possible long term consequences.

This is just funny bc they way they only focus ON ONE is just insulting. There are several EDs and not all of them look remotely the same plus the lack of understanding that it’s genuinely not about the food but about control in restrictive EDs is ridiculous. Ppl only care about EDs when you look on death door and even then it goes only one way. If you eat “normally” everyone just takes it as a win bc nobody cares about EDs as long as you don’t look like you are dying. Nobody wants to tell you that you’ll never fully be cured from your ED but that you’ll have to learn to live with the thoughts and fight them every single day for the rest of your life. Nobody says how ppl will see you DYING, show symptoms of your ED and make it about themselves but sure you should reach out. The way ortho is just glorified and so is bed lately. Nobody really has a healthy relationship with food but claim constant indulgence.

Depression

I’ve heard one too many therapists basically reduce overcoming depression to becoming productive and “doing” shit. Not everybody with depression mops around all day doing nothing lamenting the world is a shithole. The problem is that as long as a lot of external problems are not fixed you can’t expect ppl to feel truly better about anything. Sure you don’t need a reason to be depressed but looking at the world around us everything looks bleak; but we are expected to not feel like we are being consuming by a growing void? The world does not give a fuck if I live or die, the stars and the sun don’t give a flying fuck. Sure a couple of ppl will be a little bit sad but the world will keep on going even when all of humanity ends; that is not my depression talking, that is a fact. I can’t parrot the idea that life has any intrinsic value bc I don’t believe in that; our flesh mechas are weak and dwindle under the most of the climates that are natural in the world we live in. It’s so easy for us to just die of a variety of reasons and nothing really happens when we die; it’s just game over. Value to our lives is something we assigned ourselves but it’s not intrinsic.

The big S bc I doubt tumbler will let me write the world

I’ve heard way too many therapists talk about S as a guilt trip to others; that has made me never in my life consider therapy bc god let’s make your suffering about someone else WOW. I’ve seen it also seen be referred too as a threat and I have no words. We are not talking about ppl that use it as a threat to manipulate others into doing what they want but ppl that successes and no longer live. But of course they turn around and guilt YOU about all the ppl that you are going to leave behind all sad as if they wouldn’t eventually get over your death. Sure I’m going to remain alive and miserable so just that ya’ll don’t deal with grief for half the time I’ve felt this way!!! I’m going to be very honest with you but once I die I won’t have the ability to care about ppl being sad BC ILL BE DEAD. “S is not the solution 🥺🥺🥺🥺” I mean, it is??? Once I die I’m dead forever and there’s nothing else???? We all die eventually so what’s so wrong about me wanting to rush it a little bit? That you’ll be sad? Doesn’t sound like my problem to be fair. What if I just don’t see the point in living past a certain point? I never found life entertaining and sure doesn’t get any better later in life, plus it is my life and I am free to do what ever I want with it. Sure there are fun activities to do in life but can’t say I find life itself even remotely interesting. The only comfort I’ve found in my life was the fact that eventually one day I would die and I wouldn’t have to exist anymore. One day it would all fade to black and just be over; that is the only thing that has kept me from trying more fool proof method for my early demise.

I’m not anti recovery bc why the hell would I want ppl to feel the way that I do? I just want it to be less insulting and infantalizing in general. I don’t want the patronizing ideas telling me that I am wrong and here is the correct way bc the moment I poke holes into the logic I’m too sick to know better.

Just bc I’m sick doesn’t mean I don’t have any logic left in me; yes my ED rules can be illogical and not based on science but welcome to: knowing that you are sick doesn’t mean you can stop.

I want ppl to really support mental illness even when it shows it’s ugly side.

I want to be heard and not be told “what you actually mean/feel”

I want transparency and when it comes to recovery few ppl talk about how arduous and never ending it will be, how it will never really end and just become a battle you deal with everyday.

If I’m being honest I just want to die and be done with this already; but this is the rambling is a tired man that likes fancy words bc they are nice to write.

There isn’t right or wrong it’s just an experience and opinion

#depression #selfharm #recovery #suicide #tumble do not smite me pls #sad #sadness #the world is going to shit #Ed #eating disorder #anorexia #ortho #bulimia #bed #binging

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