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enigmaticxbee · 2 years

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✖️✖️ I Want to Believe

The one where... 6 years after going on the run Mulder and Scully get pulled back into the FBI to investigate a disgraced priests’ visions about a Frankenstein organ trafficking operation.

Best: Domestic Mulder and Scully in their unremarkable house discussing evidence in bed and half naked in the bathroom; casual, comfortable intimacy of middle of the night conversations in bed; talking about their son; Mulder offering to curse God for awhile so Scully can get some sleep; making jokes about the size of the little something Mulder can give her; laughing about Mulder’s scratchy beard kisses; yes, yes, yes, this messy combination of angst and fluff that’s perfectly them, give me all of this ❤️❤️❤️

Worst: This movie desperately needed another pass (or two or three) at the script, but from what I understand it was rushed into production during the 2007-2008 writers strike. If it was an episode it would be in the eh, fine, not terrible but not good category. Which is fine when it’s one of 24 episodes, but not when it’s a movie released 6 years after the end of the show. I still don’t know why they went with a small MOTW story, rather than a big, epic mytharc movie-scale story (although given the direction the revival went with the mytharc maybe that was a good call). And it’s just so dour. Not that the original run of txf wasn’t serious and dour sometimes, but the best episodes had enough banter and chemistry to keep it fun. GA and DD do their best, but the writing is messy and unsatisfying both in terms of its larger themes and the heavily on the nose dialogue.

✔️ Flashlights

✔️ Woods

❌ Slideshow

❌ Autopsy

❌ Evidence Disappears

❌ Scully Misses It

✔️ Mulder Ditch

✔️ Sunflower Seeds

❌ Voiceover

✔️ Catch Phrase (Mulder & Scully: IWTB)

✔️ Scully is a Medical Doctor

❌ Mulder is Spooky

❌ Scuuullllaaaaayy! Muullllderrrr!

❌ Fox/Dana

✔️ Inappropriate Touching (that I am here for)

✔️ Casual Scully (black bikini)

✔️ Casual Mulder (red swim trunks - no speedo?)

❌ Trench Coats

❌ Bad Tie Watch

❌ Glasses Watch

✔️ Taking! It! Personally!: Mulder & Scully

50 States: West Virginia x9 & Virginia x18 (44/50)

Investigate: Together & Apart

Solve Rate: 100%

✔️ Bechdel Test: Barely

MSR: 🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝

Goriness: 👽👽👽👽

Creepiness: 👽👽

Humor: 👽

Rewatch Thoughts:

William check-in: What is the purpose of Christian’s storyline in this movie other than to bring up the specter of William, to be another boy that she cannot save? As noted above it feels like another pass at the script is needed to tie everything together thematically - it’s messy in an unsatisfying way. The stem cell research connection to the case is thiiiiiiin.

The intro scene of Scully arriving home and finding Mulder in his office does not hold up on rewatch - it feels fully designed to fool us into thinking that they are not living together so that that can be revealed later.

Mulder’s I’m fine is no more convincing than Scully’s used to be. Headcanon time: we don’t know exactly how long they spent on the run but I imagine it was really hard, especially on Scully. When things cooled down they could have resettled anywhere so the choice of Virginia was for Scully’s sake, to be close to her mother. Scully got to reassume her life to some degree, to go back into medicine, to see her family again. But in exchange Mulder is holed up in their unremarkable house, rather than living a new life with a new identity. Maybe that’s by choice, not completely by necessity, but it feels like Scully is carrying some guilt for his extreme isolation.

The X-files theme has thoughts on President Bush, I guess. Don’t remember any thoughts on President Trump during the revival though. Can’t hang too much of lampshade on how these two would not just go back to work for the government that sent them on the run for year. As far as we know the FBI’s still being run by super-soldiers!

Look, their charisma and chemistry pulls me through a lot of eh writing, like that scene on the balcony at the priest’s. Scully’s petulant he doesn’t want me there 😆

You don’t think the crime scene caution tape might have tipped the priest off to the real crime scene?

Love that Mulder keeps insisting he can’t do it without Scully, that he’s only half the team.

Scully bringing up Samantha at the crime scene just feels like shitty, on the nose writing to me - not that she wouldn’t have those thoughts, but just flat out telling him that he can’t save his sister? That should be the subtext, not the text!

Scully GOOGLES stem cell therapy!!! She’s a pathologist who we’re told is the patient’s primary physician and now she’s doing experimental neurosurgery based on her google search!! WTF? Actual medical doctors please tell me this isn’t how medicine works.

Mulder’s beard and Scully’s messy braid are honestly the highlight of the movie

Scully: We are two people who come home at night, to a home now. I don’t want that darkness in my home. Mulder: Scully, this is who I am. It’s who I’ve always been. This is who I was before I met you. It’s what I do, it’s everything I know. But… he’s grown and changed over the 15 years since she met him, we’ve seen it. There’s a lot of potential in the story of these two traumatized people trying to figure out if they can build a life together and still keep fighting the good fight, but this movie doesn’t do it justice.

Scully: Write it down. Put it in a book. Yikes, Scully. Can I put this one down to bad writing too?

Did they just… break up? It’s unclear.

Are we only halfway through this movie? Ugh, this plot is not worth a double episode.

Our Lady of Sorrows hospital yeesh - I’m glad Scully got back into medicine, but this isn’t what I want for her, this seems like penance. She’s so cowed around Doctor Ybarra, in a way that she never was around her FBI superiors.

The mother of Scully’s patient telling her that if she was a mother she’d understand - again with the on the nose writing. And why would she assume Scully doesn’t have children? Are we supposed to think Scully answers no when asked? I can see that it would be complicated, answering either yes or that she had a son would lead to follow up questions that would be painful, it might be simpler with strangers to just say no.

I’m not religious, so maybe I just don’t understand, but why do people say they want to put their faith in God and do nothing - why don’t they put their faith in the medical treatment that (if you believe in God) God has made available to them? I truly do not understand.

Scully: He’s not my husband. I know a lot people are really into the idea of them getting married, but it’s just not something I care about. It feels right to me that they wouldn’t, especially given Mulder’s legal situation prior to this case.

Married in the state of Massachusetts certainly puts this movie in a particular point in time.

I just don’t think this movie was equipped to tell a story where the villains are gay and one was the victim of a pedophile priest - we find out almost nothing about them, the movie’s so uninterested in them in way that feels icky.

Agent Whitney’s death seems unnecessary. She didn’t have enough of a character for me to care about her, or even to believe Mulder cares about her death more than he would anyone else dying right in front of him. Also they haven’t gotten much better at their falling CGI since the weird ABH Mulder falling scene in the season 8 premiere 😬

There’s really no reference in this movie to the alien invasion that Mulder described as inevitable in the original series finale. They vowed to keep fighting, to not give up. Are we supposed to think that they have? Mulder says after Agent Whitney died that he thought they were winning this case, and maybe that’s why this case means so much to him - he needs a fight he can win. I can understand if they wanted to tell a smaller story here, but if this was intended to set up the next chapter of the X-Files I think it fails.

Scully: This stubbornness of yours, it’s why I fell in love with you. Ok, this gets me. Is this the only time on the show we hear her flat out say that she loves him? I like that she can say it now but the masochist in me also loves the angsty-ness of it - that the thing that drew her to him in the first place is drawing them apart now.

SKINNER!!

Scully’s look when Skinner says that Mulder wouldn’t do anything crazy 😂

Skinner cuddling Mulder to keep him warm 🥺

Don’t give up feels like too innocuous statement from the priest to illicit this much angst from these two 😆

I love how gentle Mulder is when he tells her that if she has any doubts they can just go. This isn’t my favorite of their kisses (it’s probably the best lit, but I don’t know, we spend half of it looking at the back of Mulder’s head) but I do love the expression on Scully’s face just before she kisses him 🥺

So we just never find out what happened to Christian after all that?

I watched this movie in the theater when it first came out in 2008 and I was VERY disappointed. I had made my peace for 6 years with where the original series finale had left them, and it felt fitting to me. This did not. Of course, this was before it was standard to wait for a post-credit scene at the end of a movie so when the credits started I got up and walked out of the theater - and had no idea I missed anything 😆 I wonder if I had seen that glimpse of them together in that little boat in the sun, as far away from the darkness as they can get, if it would have left a better taste in my mouth.

Why do I feel like CC took the wrong lesson away from this movie not doing well? Mulder and Scully as a couple is not the issue - it’s that this movie is badly written and the case/motw isn’t memorable!

#xf rewatch #xf fanart #iwtb #msr #the x files #thexfiles #the xfiles #Xf #txf #xf motw #i want to believe #truth is out there #xf review

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jazzhandsmcleg · 3 years

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For the Top 5 ask meme! Top 5 Lord of the Rings scenes so you can passively help me win an argument with The Roommate

OKAY, God, enough beating around the bush. This has sat in my inbox long enough while I intermittently went over the entire LotR trilogy in my head, and you didn't even give me any criteria for judging this. This is a mess from start to finish. That being said, here is...my top five list of LotR scenes...painstakingly developed by a complicated algorithm which I also developed just for you.

This has better be one hell of an argument, and I want reports on the results. XD

Aragorn singing his coronation oath. fuck, I get chills every time

Frodo, falling on his face in the dank stone tunnels of Cirith Ungol -- and landing on a bed of last year's autumn leaves. he looks up to see Galadriel smiling down at him, extending a hand, the beauty of Lothlorien behind her. he takes it, and finds himself alone...but upright again

I am no man.

the sequential lighting of the Beacons, across all those gorgeous vistas, accompanied by gorgeous music, concluding with Aragorn chilling with his breakfast in Rohan as he watches the sunrise

Boromir and Faramir celebrating after they've just retaken Osgiliath. "remember today, little brother. today, life is good."

Honorable mentions to:

the entirety of the Grey Havens scene

Sam carrying Frodo to Mount Doom while a triumphant brass version of Into the West plays

Sam hauling Frodo back up over the cliff by his bloody, mutilated hand after the Ring is destroyed

"Bilbo! Watch out for the dragon!" "Dragon? Nonsense, there hasn't been a dragon in the Shire for thousands of years --"

Gimli talking with Galadriel

Boromir's last stand and death

Treebeard reciting his poetry while we survey Fangorn from above

the destruction of Isengard. all those trees just...going to town

Bilbo's introductory voiceover on hobbits and the Shire

Merry claiming that his unconsciousness was just an act to fool the Uruk Hai and Pippin being reassured even though he sees through the obvious lie

Eomer wailing over Eowyn's unconscious form and Aragorn healing her while Arwen sings

Bilbo in Rivendell, shaken by his attempt to snatch the Ring back from Frodo, apologizing for everything; Frodo reaching over to grip his shoulder and Bilbo clinging to his hand in return

Faramir's appropriately grim musings on the Haradrim man he just killed

Sam's speech about the stories that really matter

Theoden's death ("No. I'm going to save you." "You already did. -- Eowyn.")

Frodo waking up on Weathertop to find the rest of the hobbits having a cozy little fry-up...on the highest, most visible ground around, in the middle of the night, while they're being chased by supernatural ghouls and Aragorn (their sole protector) has gone off somewhere. "Put it out, you fools! Put it out!!"

the Three Hunters' reunion with Gandalf

the shot in TTT where someone, cast all in shadow, is striking a bell with a hammer and the light of the morning sun shines through the gap between arm and hammer with each stroke

"You will suffer me."

Sam and Gollum arguing about fish and chips in what's probably their most congenial interaction

#this was terrible thank you #besidemoonlight #Jazz notes #ask #ask meme #The Lord of the Rings #food mention

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kiss-my-freckle · 3 years

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“Each factor taken separately is not conclusive, but put them together and it's clear - you haven't found your man because he's a woman.”

I see it too often - factors being argued separately against the mother theory. A popular thing for fans who can’t see it or simply don’t like it. I’ve decided to dish up an entire scene. Argue them separately all you like. Better if you can dish up another theory that fits all factors like Rederina does.

The Freelancer, dinner in Montreal (1x2) ...

Liz: Before we do this, let me be clear. I’m not here to socialize. I have no interest in having dinner with you, nor do we have the time. We meet your contact, we get the name of the Freelancer’s next victim, and we go. Understood? Red: I agree with you completely. But it is a restaurant, and it is dinnertime.

Whether characters in television or people in real life, you'll notice it's women more often than men that offer food. Gender roles in the household since the beginning of time. The strength of a man hunts while the woman prepares dinner. Mothers feeding their children. If you don't believe me, note what you see when you hit Ressler's mother's house. Whether it drink or snacks, women typically offer it. Recipes, cookbooks... more often kept by women.

Liz: So, what does this liaison look like? Red: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Anyone asks, you’re my girlfriend from Ann Arbor.

A woman’s female friend. Like Ellie, shown throughout the first season and even in the second when she saves Tom Keen from his gunshot wounds.

Liz: If you’re looking for a realtor, my girlfriend Ellie is awesome.

Liz Absolutely not. Red: Fine. You can be my daughter.

Confirmed in 5x22 that Liz killed Raymond Reddington in 1990.

Liz: I know now that those bones in that bag are Raymond Reddington's... the real Raymond Reddington. My father.

Speaking French.

Waiter: Bonsoir. Red: What would you like to drink? Liz: I’ll have wine. Chardonnay? Red: S’il vous plaít, pour madame, un cocktail de I’aviation.

Necessary if you’re dining in a Paris cafe with Ivan Stepanov.

Ivan: We know about Keen. What she's saying. That you're N-13. Red: An allegation no one believes. Ivan: A fact no one knows is true. We must do whatever we can to keep it that way.

Ivan: Katarina Rostova was N-13. And Katarina Rostova is dead.

Just as good, an imposter who claims to be Katarina spending an entire episode wanting Red to believe he's in a hospital in Paris.

Aram: I know we think he's in Paris, but maybe that's just another illusion.

Red is never identified with facial recognition.

Ressler: This one. Here. Bring that up. Tech: Running facial recognition now. No hits off the database yet.

This takes us to Rassvet.

Liz: He'd need doctors, like Koehler - someone who could change his face.

Red toasts to the future.

Red: Ahh. Liz: Oh, this isn’t what I ordered. Red: Mercí. To the future.

This takes us back to the womens shelter in Rassvet.

Shelter Worker: Most importantly, I think the woman who stepped into that ocean is dead. The one who emerged has new choices, a new future...

She pulls in the concept of death and rebirth. Flowers emerge.

Simple concept, symbolism. Winter is death, spring is rebirth.

Red: Aviation cocktail. It’s from the ’20s. Tastes like spring, doesn’t it?

Toss Katarina into Cape May waters, watch her be reborn. Death (Cape May) and rebirth (Rassvet). That's why I like watching them back-to-back.

Dom: For most people, baptism comes early. My daughter had to wait half her life to be reborn.

The whole truth.

Red: Tell me about your job. The profiling. I’m fascinated. How close to the truth do you think you can really get? Liz: Where’s your contact?

What Kate wanted Liz to learn.

Kate: Masha, I can show you the truth. Liz: What truth? Kate: If you want to know why he came into your life Liz: You're scaring me. Kate: I can take you. We can go together. But it has to be your choice.

Same truth Liz questioned in Berlin: Conclusion.

Red: I killed Sam because he was in pain and he wanted to die and because I had to protect you from the truth. Liz: What truth? The only memory I have of my real father... is from the night of the fire. I remember him pulling me out of the flames... saving me. Red: Yes. And knowing his identity would put you in grave danger.

This is all about sight. How Liz SEES things.

Red: Tell me my profile. Liz: Why would I do that? Red: You’ve heard the debriefs. You’ve read Ressler’s book reports. I so want to know how you see things.

Magic tricks fool the senses. Sight is commonly used in this series.

Red: You won’t find the girl until you learn to LOOK at this differently. ("You'll never find Rostova.")

Red: Two months later, she went to Cape May and left her clothes on the beach, walked into the ocean and was never SEEN again.

Dom: You know what I did. You have no idea how I feel - surrounded by nothing but memories - every Christmas, every time it rains. Red: The car. Dom: Yes. Red: The last time you SAW Katarina was in the rearview mirror.

Dom: Last time I SAW my daughter was in this rearview mirror nearly 30 years ago. If my Katarina was still here, she would have let me know.

Red: I know what you SAW, and it wasn’t everything you thought you SAW.

At least five dialogues, and there are plenty more where they came from.

Liz profiles the ghost of her mother. “A ghost. Life’s full of ’em.”

Liz: You’re a loner. You keep your distance. You travel freely through foreign lands. You’re rootless. You’re very comfortable here with your glass of Scotch, but you’re just as comfortable sleeping in a cave with rebels or sharing dinner in some hole-in-the-wall noodle shop. Your closest friends are strangers. You understand that tight bonds can make you vulnerable, so you’re careful not to have any.

Which follows the voiceover at the end of Ruin.

Agent McKenna: I don’t know how to explain any of this - The carnage, the death. I mean, what happened up there at that house - It’s bizarre. We have bodies, men murdered - drugged, burned alive - all known criminals with extensive records. And the woman, the one we believe is responsible - You have no idea who she was? Early: Grace. Nice woman, kind of quiet. Kept to herself. Paid cash. Agent McKenna: Did this Grace have a last name? Postal Worker: Talbot. At least that’s how it said it on the side of the packages. Agent Hobbs: Which she picked up here? Postal Worker: Sure. One every few weeks. Now and then, off and on. I mean, she didn’t get none too excited about it, but she got them all eventually. Agent McKenna: And you have no idea where those packages went? Postal Worker: At the house, I suppose. Are they not there? Agent McKenna: Let’s pivot. I’d like to talk about Mr. Elroy. Local Officer: The federal witness? Agent Hobbs: He said he was dropped off at the ER “like a Christmas gift.” Local Officer: That’s right. I mean, that’s what the head nurse said. Left him there on the doorstep of the medical center in Delta Junction. Said she saved his life. Local Officer: She knew he was someone important. I don’t know how, but - Agent McKenna: You know this woman didn’t just wander off. She made sure not to leave any trace evidence behind. Agent Hobbs: Not a Kleenex in the trash or a fingerprint in the barn or a hair in a drain. Not one. Agent McKenna: Place was wiped clean. Agent Hobbs: So clean, in fact, that we believe she may have learned how to clean a crime scene from a professional. Early: I don’t understand the question. Agent Hobbs: You saw her. You spoke to her. You tell me who you think she was. Postal Worker: I don’t know. Local Officer: I wish I could say. Local Officer: I think, uh, she was - Early: A ghost. Life’s full of ’em. ("Elizabeth. You raised an old ghost.")

No Roots = Rootless. Same things would’ve been said of Katarina in 1990.

Red being sarcastic. He knows Liz doesn't know her husband. He wants to know what Tom knows of the mark and the scar.

Liz: And that’s why you’re so conflicted about me. You need me. And you hate that about yourself, because it makes you vulnerable. Red: Tell me about your husband. Does he know you as well as you know him? Liz: Your contact is late. Red: Does he know about you as a child? Liz: It’s been 35 minutes. Red: Does he know about the fire?

Known since Liz’s Braxton recall, 2x10. Katarina was at the fire and knows about Liz’s scar. “Elements from Katarina’s past” are elements from Masha’s past (4x17 pre-pilot scene).

Katarina: There was a fire. Too many people. There was shouting and fighting. And Masha...

Red refuses to answer Liz's questions because he realizes Cooper placed agents inside the diner. He didn't even want wires.

Liz: Why am I so important to you? Did you know my parents? I asked you a question. Waiter: Oui, monsieur? Red: S’il vous plait, apportez–nous une bouteille quatre vingt deux chateau latour. Waiter: Bonsoir. Liz: Are you gonna keep trying to impress me with your knowledge of French wine, or are you gonna answer my question?

He wanted it to be just him and Liz.

Red: You should come. Just the two of us - no wires, no clumsy agents in the bushes. You want me to make an introduction, you need to trust me with my source. Ah! What fun! You’ll need a dress.

His final line is a push back to the pilot. Red: What if I were to tell you that all the things you’ve come to believe about yourself are a lie? Please excuse me for a moment.

It's all about who they are and who they were. Liz was Masha Rostova.

Worded differently for Red because he’s no longer a woman.

Red: Everything about me is a lie.

Katarina Rostova, now Raymond Reddington.

We then have Liz's profile of Red pushing her to run a DNA test. She's right on her profile, but she SAW a man sitting before her.

Liz: I ran his DNA two weeks after we met. We were undercover in Montreal having dinner, and he said that everything I thought I knew about myself was a lie. It was intimate and weird. And when we thought we were made, he snuck out the back and I palmed his scotch glass. But when the envelope came back, I was scared it would confirm the devil was my father. I didn’t look at it. Threw it away.

Raymond Reddington, just as much a ghost. Masha, Katarina, Dom, all of them... ghosts.

"Elizabeth. You raised an old ghost."

"Apparently, Reddington died 30 years ago. He rose from the grave once. I’m pretty sure he will again."

She threw away the results for the same reason Ressler wasn't supposed to look at Red's medical file. Their endgame, Rederina. And people wonder why I follow this theory. A single scene in a single episode full of Katarina. Everyone assumes Reddington is a fake death because of the way they ran the suitcase arc in S5. He's not a fake death. He's a fake life.

“A mother who died of weakness and shame.”

Red: What do you want me to say? Yes… Is that what you want me to say? Yes, Elizabeth is my daughter.

Weakness and shame.

Katarina Rostova. “The two of us have overcome so much.”

#Rederina

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mxliv-oftheendless · 4 years

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The Bridge of the Demonic Goatman (Part 2)

Because this story is way too long to post all in one place, I’ve been forced to post it in parts. Part 1 has already been posted. Here is Part 2, where Gene, Vinnie, and Paul, go into the woods.

Also, I realize how shitty the editing here is. Because Tumblr is being a fucking bitch (so y’know, the usual for Tumblr), this is how it’s gonna have to be. You should be able to figure out who’s speaking, though. Enjoy!

GENE [voiceover]: Perhaps more foreboding than the bridge is the woods that lies beyond it. It is rumored that for nearly a hundred years, people have disappeared near the bridge or in the surrounding woods. Along with the Goatman, people have reported seeing the ghostly figure of a woman and hearing the sounds of a woman’s voice or laughter. There have also been sightings of flashing lights.

[Paul, Gene, and Vinnie are now walking through the woods. Like on the bridge, the only parts of the forest we see are the parts lit up by their camera flashlights. Everything else is pitch-black]

PAUL: Okay, I will admit… this is pretty creepy.

GENE: I feel like I’m in every damn horror movie I’ve ever seen, and I hate it.

VINNIE: This reminds me of the time I went camping with my Boy Scout troupe.

PAUL: You don’t seem the type to have been in a Boy Scout troupe.

VINNIE: I wasn’t. My dad made me sign up. He let me quit after fifth grade, though.

PAUL: Oh, okay.

GENE: Guys, seriously… I’m gettin’ pretty nervous now. [shouts into the woods] Is there anyone out there?

PAUL: [shouts] Hello!

[there is no response apart from crickets. They continue walking]

GENE: People usually report being overcome with emotion in here.

VINNIE: Like…

GENE: Like, a violent emotion.

PAUL: Do you feel that way?

GENE: Uh, no. I don’t.

PAUL: Okay, good.

GENE: Not yet, at least.

PAUL: Just give me and Vinnie a heads-up when you start to feel… murder-y.

GENE: Yeah, I’ll do that.

PAUL: Great.

VINNIE: Thanks, Gene.

GENE [voiceover]: These woods are rumored to be the sight of Satanic rituals, attempting to conjure demonic entities. One paranormal investigator claimed to have found animal remains, suggesting evidence of sacrificial rituals. In fact, one local police officer told us that local pet stores stopped selling cats due to the amount of sacrificed cats being found in these woods.

Oh my God, they killed the cats? Did any survive?

Uh, no, not that I know of.

Those poor cats…

By the way, I forgot to mention, these woods are also dangerous because of the people that may be in there.

I mean, people can be greater threats than demons or ghouls, so… that’s fair.

I just realized we don’t have a way to defend ourselves if we get attacked by a person.

We probably won’t get attacked, Gene.

I have a keychain knife if that happens.

Oh, well good. If we get attacked, we’ll just let Vinnie save us.

I don’t think a keychain knife will—

The nutcases that live in the woods will cower in fear before Vinnie Vincent and his mighty keychain knife.

*wheeze* Ha ha…

*sigh* Never mind.

You’re my hero, Vinnie.

Thank you.

[cut back to Gene, Paul, and Vinnie walking through the forest]

GENE: Is there anybody out here?

PAUL: Any… Any cultists? Any Satanists? Anyone up to some crazy cult stuff out here?

VINNIE: Anyone cutting off the head of a defenseless, innocent cat?

PAUL: Still mad about that, huh?

VINNIE: Yes.

[they continue walking, swinging their flashlights around]

GENE: Y’know, guys, I feel like we might genuinely come to close to dying some episode.

PAUL: You think so?

GENE: Yeah… Who in their right mind would go actively searching for ghosts and demons, and make more than one attempt to contact them?

VINNIE: Ah, but remember, Genie: if we’re doing that, then clearly we’re not in our right mind.

GENE: … I guess that’s fair. [he stops and points his flashlight off to the side of the path]

PAUL: You hear something?

GENE: Yeah, I thought I—oh fuck! [camera cuts to looking into the bushes, lit up by Gene’s flashlight] I saw something move. I don’t what’s over there, but I saw the bushes move.

[they move closer to the bushes]

PAUL: [shouts] Hello?

VINNIE: Anybody there?

GENE: Hello? [pause in which nothing happens] Christ…

PAUL: I did see the bush move…

GENE: [swings his flashlight as he looks around] Did you hear that?

VINNIE: Hear what?

GENE: I heard a scream.

PAUL: You sure?

GENE: I’m serious, I heard a scream.

FOOTAGE REPLAY: when Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are looking into the bushes.

PAUL: I did see the bush move…

[in the background, amongst the sounds of crickets, there is the sound of a female scream]

[the footage replays over again and the scream is heard again]

GENE: Hello?

PAUL: Anyone out there?

[silence]

PAUL: What if we pretend we’re in on it?

VINNIE: Like we’re cultists as well?

PAUL: Yeah.

GENE: I want to tell you to not do that… but I also know you’re gonna do it anyway.

PAUL: Yep. [shouts aloud] We’re here for the cult stuff!

VINNIE: We saw the ad on Craigslist!

GENE: Do you seriously think a cult would advertise itself on Craigslist?

VINNIE: It’s Craigslist, Gene. It’s the only place that would let a cult advertise itself.

[there is still silence]

PAUL: Oh well.

GENE: Let’s keep walking. I don’t want to stay in the same place for too long.

[they continue walking. Along the way they pass a sign with unreadable graffiti letters spray-painted on it]

PAUL: You nervous, Gene?

GENE: Very nervous.

PAUL: Don’t worry. Remember, Vinnie’s got his keychain knife. He’s ready to stab a bitch.

VINNIE: [nods] Yep.

FOOTAGE REPLAY: as Gene, Vinnie, and Paul walk past the sign.

Paul: He’s ready to stab a bitch.

[in the background, there is another distant scream, this time sounding male]

[the footage replays again and the scream is heard again]

[Gene, Paul, and Vinnie come to a spot where branches stick out, forming something that looks a little like a structure]

PAUL: Hey, check this out. Looks kind of like a house… Perhaps a house where witches gathered? To make spells and curses? To summon dark spirits?

GENE: [hisses] Shut up, Paul.

[they move to stand in the middle of the structure and look around]

VINNIE: This doesn’t look like a human-made house.

PAUL: Who knows, Vinnie, maybe it wasn’t made by a human at all…

GENE: I’m gonna kill you, Paul. [suddenly turns and points his flashlight into the woods] Did you hear that?

FOOTAGE REPLAY: Paul, Gene, and Vinnie standing in the middle of the structure.

GENE: I’m gonna kill you, Paul.

[a quiet voice is heard, a male voice yelling “Fuck!”]

GENE: Did you hear that?

[footage replays over again]

VINNIE: Hear what?

GENE: A voice, I thought I heard a voice.

PAUL: Who’s out there? Are you a cult member? [Paul moves out of the structure further into the trees. Vinnie follows with Gene behind Vinnie]

PAUL: C’mon out!

GENE: Paul—

PAUL: Take off your cloak!

VINNIE: Release the cat you’re about to murder.

[they move closer together as they walk. There is complete silence. Gene suddenly stops and startles]

GENE: Ah!

[Paul and Vinnie look. It’s a bush]

VINNIE: [smiling slightly] Just a plant, Gene.

PAUL: [definitely smiling wider than Vinnie] You got scared by a plant?

GENE: Shut up, this forest is messing with my head.

[all three of them suddenly turn around]

FOOTAGE REPLAY: right before they turn around.

GENE: Shut up, this forest is messing with my head.

[there is a barely audible sound of a snapping branch. They all turn around]

[footage replays over again]

GENE: Did you hear that?

VINNIE: I definitely heard that.

PAUL: Yep, me too.

[they move over to where they heard the sound]

GENE: Oh God…

PAUL: Who’s out there?

VINNIE: I’ve got a knife!

[silence]

PAUL: If there are any cultists out here, I must warn you, we have protection.

GENE: Goddammit, Paul, shut up!

PAUL: [ignoring him] We’ve got a keychain knife, and a water gun!

VINNIE: It’s holy water!

[silence]

PAUL: Well, I was right. There’s no one out here. Though that branch snapping was suggestive.

GENE: Yeah. Let’s leave.

GENE [voiceover]: Multiple investigators have picked up on the name “Steve” through EVP and spirit box sessions, perhaps the name that the Goatman or another entity is going by.

I’m sorry… Steve?

Yep. Steve.

… So you’re saying that if the Goatman truly exists, and it’s really the Goatman’s voice investigators pick up… he’s using the name Steve?

That’s pretty much it, yeah.

*snickering* That’s so fucking stupid…

What fucking demon wakes up in the morning and thinks, “You know what would be a really frightening name? Steve!” Are you making this up?

I am not making this up.

God, what a fucking copout…

GENE [voiceover]: Overall, this Goatman entity and/or the other possible entities that haunt the bridge and these woods are said to be extremely dangerous and physical with those who encounter them. People have reported being thrown, dragged, and struck, and multiple people have claimed to be scratched three times, a reportedly common occurrence in demonic attacks that is a symbolic mocking of the Holy Trinity. People have also claimed to be overcome with feelings of aggression and violence. In one instance, an investigator had envisioned murdering her entire team of investigators.

[back to the woods with Gene, Paul, and Vinnie. Gene has the spirit box in his hands]

PAUL: And we’re breaking out the spirit box again, huh?

VINNIE: This’ll be interesting, we’ve never used it to talk to a demon before.

GENE: Yeah, so… we’ll see how this goes. Okay, I’m turning it on. It’s gonna be loud.

[Gene turns on the spirit box. Immediately there is loud white noise]

GENE: So just as a reminder, this spirit box is flipping through radio stations at an incredibly fast rate. Every two-tenths of a second, it switches to a different channel, and it produces white noise. And conceivably, spirits could use this to communicate with us.

PAUL: Or a demon in this case.

GENE: Or a demon, thank you, Paul. If we hear a voice saying more than one word, then the chances are very good that it’s a spirit, or a demon, talking to us.

VINNIE: Can I ask first?

GENE: Sure.

VINNIE: Okay. [raises his voice] Is there anyone here with us?

[white noise is the only response]

PAUL: Let me try. [raises voice] Is there a Goatman here with us?

[more white noise. Then there is a sudden, very noticeable noise from the spirit box]

GENE: What the fuck was that?

VINNIE: Ask again!

PAUL: Is there a demon here with us?

[from the spirit box, we hear a voice saying “Stop”]

PAUL: Is there a Goatman here? We kicked you off your bridge, Goatman; got anything to say about that?

[white noise. Then a voice says what sounds like “Goatman”]

GENE: That sounded like “Goatman.”

PAUL: Say your name.

FOOTAGE REPLAY: Gene is holding the spirit box. We see Vinnie listening over his shoulder.

[white noise, then the voice saying “Goatman”]

[the footage, and the voice, play over again: “Goatman”]

GENE: Is Steve here?

VINNIE: How did you come up with the name “Steve”? You didn’t think any other name was better than that?

[more white noise. Then a voice: “Bridge”]

GENE: I heard “bridge.”

[more white noise. Then another voice, that sounds like the same voice as before: “Steve”]

VINNIE: I heard “Steve.”

AUDIO REPLAY:

[white noise]

“bridge”

[white noise]

“Steve”

GENE [voiceover]: Based on the response from the spirit box, we’ll be ending our investigation by returning to the apparent epicenter of activity: Old Alton Bridge. Once there, we will perform a ritual that we have never performed before on this show, and that I have never done before in my life.

Wait, you’ve never used a Ouija board before?

Nope.

Seriously?

Yeah, seriously. I don’t screw with that stuff, man.

Gene, you’re willing to use a spirit box but not a Ouija board? C’mon…

Even I’VE used a Ouija board before.

Okay, listen, spirit boxes are different from Ouija boards. Ouija boards… they have the potential to unleash an angry spirit.

C’mon, Gene, people use Ouija boards at parties. They used to sell them at Toys ‘R Us. They’re not that scary.

You would say that… Can we just get this over with?

[Gene, Paul, and Vinnie are sitting in the middle of the bridge around the Ouija board. Candles are lit around them. Gene is standing, holding a large box of salt, while Paul and Vinnie are sitting on the bridge]

GENE: I just want to say for the record that this still seems incredibly stupid. We’re opening a doorway, and calling a goddamn demon to talk with us. But, luckily, I have protection. [Vinnie snorts] Shut up, Vinnie. For protection, I’m going to do this.

[Gene walks in a circle around the candles, pouring out the salt]

PAUL: A salt circle. Good idea, Gene.

[Gene finishes pouring out the salt and sets the box aside. He steps into the circle and sits down, and all three place their hands on the planchette]

GENE: So we just place our hands on the planchette and relax them. If there are spirits, then the planchette will move, because they’re moving it. Not because one of us is moving it. Got that, Paul?

PAUL: I wasn’t gonna move it! I wasn’t even thinking of moving it!

GENE: You say, unconvincingly.

PAUL: Whatever, Gene.

VINNIE: I will say, every time I’ve seen a video of someone using a Ouija board, they’re always going, “Whoa!” very dramatically. Like, you can clearly tell they’re playing it up for views.

PAUL: Are they very clearly moving it themselves?

VINNIE: Most of the time, yes. But none of us are going to move it, so… we’ll see what happens.

PAUL: So how do we start?

GENE: I guess by saying our names.

PAUL: Okay, you go first.

GENE: Fine. [out loud] This is Gene.

[they move the planchette across the board to spell out Gene’s name]

PAUL, GENE, and VINNIE: G, E, N, E.

PAUL: I’m Paul. [they spell out Paul’s name]

PAUL, GENE, and VINNIE: P, A, U, L.

GENE: [muttering] Still can’t believe we’re doing this…

VINNIE: And I’m Vinnie. [they spell out Vinnie’s name]

PAUL, GENE, and VINNIE: V, I, N, N, I, E.

GENE: Is there anyone out here, who would like to speak with us?

[silence. They all wait, looking down at the board. The planchette does not move]

PAUL: I just thought of something. If you put salt around us, doesn’t that mean Goatman can’t get to the Ouija board?

VINNIE: … Oh, God, you’re right. Gene—

GENE: But the salt would trap him in here with us. That’s what we want.

PAUL: Well yeah, but what if he was outside the circle when you did it?

GENE: … Well, what do you want me to do about it?

PAUL: Give him an entrance.

GENE: [pauses, then sighs heavily] Fine. [he turns his body around, without taking his hands off the planchette, and blows at the salt] Vinnie, you blow by you.

[Vinnie turns and blows at the salt. Paul does the same, and takes one hand off the planchette and brushes some of the salt away]

PAUL: There. There’s your opening, Steve.

[Vinnie laughs]

[they all turn back around to the Ouija board, and Paul puts his hand back on the planchette]

GENE: If there’s anyone out there that wants to speak with us, now’s the time. What’s your name?

[for a couple beats of silence, there is nothing. Then…]

VINNIE: Oh my God.

PAUL: Oh shit.

GENE: Oh, fuck…

[the planchette is moving, very, very slowly, across the board]

GENE: Fucking—Paul, are you moving it?

PAUL: I swear to God, I’m not moving it. Are you?

GENE: No, I’m not moving it! Vinnie?

VINNIE: I am not moving it.

[they watch the planchette move]

PAUL: It’s going pretty slow.

GENE: If it spells out “Steve”…

VINNIE: If it spells out “Steve” I might start going back to church.

[the planchette moves over the letter “S”]

PAUL: Go faster, you demon fuck!

[Gene and Vinnie jump. Then they start to laugh, Vinnie harder than Gene]

VINNIE: Jesus Christ, Paul…

GENE: Just dropped all decorum, huh?

PAUL: [laughing] I wanted to see if I could catch it off-guard.

GENE: Okay… Well, we have an “S.”

PAUL: How about this? If you can’t spell out your name, then this bridge is officially mine!

GENE: Dammit, Paul…

VINNIE: Seems fair to me.

PAUL: Yeah, it’s perfectly fair.

[the planchette has slowly moved up to the letter “G”]

GENE: I thought it was going for the “E,” but no, that’s “G”.

VINNIE: “G” for Gene?

PAUL: He does know your name. Maybe it’s you he wants, Gene.

GENE: I’m ignoring you two.

[camera circles around Gene, Paul, and Vinnie, looking down at the Ouija board as intense music plays]

GENE: All right, demon, this is your last chance. Tell us your name.

PAUL: Remember the deal.

GENE: [sighs] Okay, yeah, fine. If you can’t spell out your name, it’s Paul’s bridge.

[silence. They wait. Nothing happens]

VINNIE: Well, I guess that settles it.

PAUL: [loudly] This bridge is mine now!

[they take their hands off the planchette]

GENE: Guess that’s it.

PAUL: Ouija boards are crap.

VINNIE: Guys, we still have to close it.

GENE: Oh right.

PAUL, GENE and VINNIE: [move the planchette across “GOODBYE”] G, O, O, D, B, Y, E. [they take their hands off the planchette]

PAUL: Goodbye!

VINNIE: Goodbye, Goatman!

GENE: All right, let’s clean up and get the hell out of here.

[they move to clear away the salt and blow out the candles]

PAUL: Got anything you wanna say, Gene? You were pretty anxious about this all night.

GENE: I mean, I would say I’m feelin’ pretty good right now. I conquered it.

VINNIE: Yeah, you did. We’re proud of you, Genie.

GENE: I’ll just say goodbye, how about that?

PAUL: Yeah, gloat a bit, Gene. This is a win for you.

GENE: [raises his voice] Well, demons… this has been fun. It’s been real… real weird, but hey. So… goodbye. See ya.

PAUL: [picks up a candle and holds it up] As we snuff these candles, so too do we snuff you from this mortal world. [blows out the candle] You fucking cowards.

[Vinnie laughs]

GENE: Paul, if you get dragged off this bridge and thrown into the river, I won’t come and rescue you.

PAUL: He says unconvincingly.

[as Gene’s voice narrates, we see a montage of footage from the entire night]

GENE [voiceover]: Nobody knows why the Goatman and surrounding entities haunt this area, and even though we never encountered anything, I personally don’t doubt its existence. Either way, we have once again opened the door for a dark entity to enter our lives. There is a small part of my mind that is disappointed we never saw him, but I would be lying if I said I also wasn’t a little relieved. Regardless, whether or not the Goatman’s Bridge is truly infested will remain… UNSOLVED.

[as the credits roll, we cut back to the car. Gene is driving, Vinnie is in the passenger seat, and Paul is in the backseat. Through the windshield, we can see dawn slowly breaking]

VINNIE: I’m sorry, I still can’t get over the fact that the Goatman supposedly goes by the name Steve. [Paul laughs] That’s so fucking lame.

GENE: This experience has taught me nothing, except that you two are fucking weirdos. You know that, right?

PAUL: Ah, you love us.

GENE: I wouldn’t call it “love.”

VINNIE: He says unconvincingly.

BUZZFEED UNSOLVED SUPERNATURAL

What unsolved mystery do you want to see next?

#kiss unsolved #kiss unsolved supernatural #paul is a troll #seriously I made him such a troll XD #gene is freaking out even if he'll deny it #vinnie is mad about the cats #honestly I was too #a moment of silence for the cats #also I've been informed that the correct term for vinnie is a reeder #apparently on buzzfeed unsolved that's become their name for the neutral one #shout out to kategwidt for letting me know #so yeah that's kiss unsolved #if you guys want to see a true crime one please feel free to suggest it!#i'm thinking since there's three of them i'll have vinnie cover the true crime #y'know since he's kind of an unsolved mystery himself #kiss au writing #my writing #hope you guys enjoyed this crazy story!#I swear to jesus Christ on a fucking tricycle it shouldn't have been this hard to post this damn thing...#fuck tumblr

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amandajoyce118 · 5 years

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WCW: Sophia Bush

This Wednesday’s Woman of the Week is, unless you’re really into crime procedurals, primarily known for her work on the teen soap One Tree Hill. Sophia Bush isn’t just someone who gives good drama though. She’s also a force to be reckoned with when it comes to charitable causes and activism.

Not a child starlet like a lot of the actors who become famous because of teen television, Sophia was actually more of a jock in school. She played for the volleyball team at an all girls school. Part of the requirements to graduate include participating in theaters (sounds like they’ve got a pretty well rounded program at Westridge School For Girls, just saying), so she had to sign up to do a play. Initially annoyed she had to participate, she ended up loving it. She still went to university, pursuing a degree in journalism, but by her junior year, she was acting full time.

Her first movie was part of the National Lampoon franchise, but she was also actually cast in Terminator 3. She only spent a week filming before producers replaced her with Claire Danes - not because she wasn’t good, but because they worried she was too young for the part once they saw her interacting with other actors. The next year was when One Tree Hill came into her life and Brooke Davis got one of the best character arcs in television, even if what was going on behind the scenes was a mess. (It’s recently come out that the showrunner preyed on the young women he cast in the show, which might explain why the female characters were so often pitted against one another in the script.)

Since One Tree Hill, she’s had a few series regular roles, including the popular Chicago franchise. She was on Chicago PD for those keeping track. She’s got another lead role in Surveillance, a show she also produces. There have been a lot of smaller movie roles and horror flicks, but she’s starting to branch out more with voiceover work as well, like Incredibles 2.

And while Sophia is a great actress, she’s making her mark as an activist. She uses her fanbase and her social media following for good. Regardless of whether you agree with her political stance or not, she’s doing what she can to get young people engaged in the political process. For the last decade, she’s been part of actively campaigning for candidates she supports. Sometimes that involves working phone banks. Other times that involves visiting college campuses and speaking.

She’s also an active volunteer and contributor to the campaigns for Fuck Cancer, Global Green Gulf Relief, The Human Rights Campaign, Do Something, Global Poverty Project, and I Am That Girl. She’s also one of the founders of the Time’s Up group. If she believes in a cause, she puts her money and her time where her mouth is, which is admirable, especially in the day and age where so many people want actors to just stay out of political debates. I love her commitment to the things she believes in.

#sophia bush #woman of the week #wcw

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segwaytoursofseattle-blog · 5 years

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How hard is it to ride a Segway?

youtube

Until last week, when a humble, trundling scooter took out the fastest man in the world. At the World Athletic Championships in Beijing, cameraman Song Tao interrupted Usain Bolt’s 200m victory lap, knocking the world’s greatest sprinter clean off his speedy feet with a misjudged lean against an unseen barrier. The Segway was everywhere, again, for the wrong reasons, again. It looked as if Tao’s battery-run vehicle had careered out of control. It looked painful. But how hard can it be to learn to ride the world’s most talked-about gyroscopic balancing machine? I went to Segway Unleashed to find out.

It’s hard to say Segway Unleashed without sounding like you’re doing the voiceover for a disaster movie trailer. On the way to one of its two centres – where we are promised “the most exciting Segway experience in the south east and Milton Keynes” – I asked my friend what she thought of when I said “Segway”. She thought about it for a minute, then said, with certainty: “fleece”. To Segway is to trundle, in a fleece. Clearly we have preconceptions.

The branch of Segway Unleashed that I visit is just off the M25, in the grounds of a beautiful farm near Godstone in Surrey. I stick my head into the workshop and say hello to Ben Morling, founder and MD of both branches, who got into the Segway business after some success with a sphering, or zorbing, company. (You’re strapped into a giant, inflatable ball and rolled down a hill. Ben shows me the shape of his broken fingers, all sphering-related injuries, and I can see why he got into Segway instead.) Ben is reassembling a Segway, which came back from the repair shop this weekend, with a £1,000 bill.

I thought they might cost around £1,000, which is twice as much as the car I arrived in, so I ask him exactly how much a Segway would set me back. Six thousand pounds, he tells me, immediately dashing my dreams of zipping around Guardian HQ using only my natural balancing skills and the scientific might of gyroscopic sensors. Can’t you get one cheaper? “That’s why a Ferrari is a Ferrari,” he tells me. “It’s not the cheap, plastic crap. I went to the Gadget Show and I tried them, and nah.” He shakes his head. There will be no cheap, plastic crap at Segway Unleashed. “We’ve never taken out an Olympic runner on one of these. We’ve taken each other out, but not a runner!”

Ben is pretty sure it wasn’t a Segway that took out Usain Bolt. Not an official one, anyway. He shows me a still from the incident on his phone, and zooms in for forensic analysis. The rubber footplates that distribute the rider’s weight were absent. He thinks the mudguards were too small. The charge port is the wrong colour. There is no red line on the battery. It just wouldn’t happen at Segway Unleashed.

The price tag is one of the reasons people think Segways haven’t really taken off – even though other companies have brought out cheaper versions costing a few hundred pounds. That, and the fact that in many places, you can’t just jump on one and use it to nip to the shops, or for your daily commute. In the UK, they are banned from pavements (though only one man has ever been prosecuted – Philip Coates, from South Yorkshire, who was fined £75 under Section 72 of the Highways Act 1835). In Germany, they must be licensed. In Canada, they are banned from public roads and sidewalks. Legislatively, they are confusing, at best.

But here, on private land, seven of us are ready to learn exactly how far these two-wheeled mean machines will take us. We have signed to accept that there is some risk of a broken bone. I agree that I am not under the influence of alcohol or narcotics, and do not have any medical conditions that might impact my ability to control the unit. I am given a red motorcycle helmet that I decide makes me look like a Power Ranger, though when I say this to my friend, she has a look that suggests she is thinking, “Power Plonker, more like”.

We are ready. To be. Unleashed!

The Segways are in beginner’s “turtle mode” and will go at a maximum speed of 4.5mph.

Our group – me, my friend, a couple in their 20s, and a father and his two kids – begin the session in Zone One: a field in which we learn how to balance and lean. Our instructor, Kieran Richards, is on his third season at Segway Unleashed. He got into Segway after a couple of seasons of sphering, where he met Ben, who introduced him to the harder stuff. Confounding my notions of fleece, Kieran is a laidback skater who says he falls off the Segways all the time, but only because he’s trying to do tricks on them, which even he admits can be foolish. Leaning, he says to the group, is the key to everything. “Be consistent with your leaning,” he tells us. “Don’t be too aggressive with your leaning.” Usain Bolt has made his life a whole lot easier, because people didn’t really think you could fall off a Segway, and then suddenly, a video went around the world proving that you could, and how. Poor Song Tao, I think. Once a noble cameraman, now a “how not to” punchline in an off-road Segway experience on a farm in Surrey. Kieran says that people only fall off when they catch their wheels, like Tao did, or when they get too cocky.

I resolve not to get too cocky. 4.5mph sounds pretty slow, until you’re standing on a self-balancing scooter controlled by a gyroscope that relies solely on your ability to lean forwards and backwards with just enough oomph to make sure it moves.

It’s a bit like stepping onto solid ground if you’ve been on water for hours. It should be the easiest thing in the world to stand still and upright, but suddenly my legs are untrustworthy, and I rock back and forth. The trick is to relax, apparently. I am glad I don’t have a chest full of camera equipment to carry with me. Once balance is established, it’s fairly easy: forward to go, back to stop. Don’t be aggressive with your leaning. The seven of us zip around the training field, at 4.5mph. I avoid the bumps. After five minutes, I seek out the bumps. I wonder how hard it would be to do Segway tricks.

Zone Two: the woods. In the woods, we learn to use our knees as shock absorbers, and Joe Hammond, another skater-turned-instructor, starts “catching air” from a tree root that acts as a launching ramp. “You will not catch air,” he reassures us, though I start to think I would like to catch air. The woods are fun. They’re muddy and bumpy and even though the Segway is still going at 4.5mph (maximum), it no longer seems like a trundle. This is what extreme sports must feel like! If you’re doing them very slowly! I go over a root and feel my Segway lifting at least 2mm off the ground. I wonder if I could get sponsorship. Perhaps Nike would like to see their logo on my raincoat as I amble around a track in a wood. Maybe Vans would pay me to wear their trainers, as I lean forward into the unknown. An Adidas helmet. A Red Bull jumper. Perhaps, perhaps. I am ready for the final step. Zone Three: the time trials.

The time trials are the most dangerous part of the session. “This is where the psychology kicks in,” Ben tells me. Simply, he says, people are desperate to be the fastest, even though “there’s no prize or anything.” I am desperate to be the fastest. We get a practice run around the track, after a final lesson in leaning. Here, Kieran explains, you can actually put your weight on the sideplates, like a parallel turn if you’re skiiing, or like taking a corner on a motorbike. Joe does some leans that say: I mean business. None of us quite pull it off, but it’s getting serious.

Turtle mode is switched off. We are about to enter maximum Segway speed: 12.5mph. “I’ve come off at that before,” says Joe, like a man who has known trauma. We line up for the time trial. I lean forward as hard as I’ve ever leaned, except on the corners, which are muddy, and look as if they could be slippy. Then I lean some more. I whizz – no more trundling – across the finish line, and wait for our times to come in. I am not seventh! Applause. I am not sixth! More applause, this time for my friend, who fell off taking the corner a little bit too keenly, proving that I was right not to go feral. I am not … hold on. I am fifth. I am only marginally faster than someone who stacked it and had to get back on before she could continue the time trial. I get my applause. The sponsorship dream dies. We were all beaten by an 11-year-old, who managed the track “with a very quick time indeed, very fast”, according to an impressed-looking Kieran. Kids are fearless, we agree.

It does not look like Segways are going to take the UK by storm, but Joe thinks a version of them may become mainstream yet. The “new, smaller, cheaper things” he refers to have yet to adopt a common name, but are called swegways by some, hover boards by others. They are, essentially, Segways without handles, made more cheaply. Segway Unleashed has had people bringing their swegways to the farm, to see if they can be repaired. “I tell them, send it back to who made it,” says Ben. They are more of the “cheap, plastic crap” of which he does not approve. “You’re saying it’s a Segway like you’d say Hoover for a vacuum,” he says. His Segways are metal, not plastic. They are built to last.

Down and out: Segway’s other celebrity victims George Bush: Of course George Bush has had a Segway fail. The former president could no more stay away from a two-wheeled transporter than a Thanksgiving turkey could keep out of his trousers. In 2003, while visiting the family house in Maine, the then president stepped on to a Segway and went down instantly. Being Dubya, he got back up and proceeded to cruise up the driveway with his father, George Bush Sr, bringing up the rear on, yep, another Segway. One wonders if the company slogan – “simply moving” – was inspired by this very scene.

Piers Morgan: After Bush’s fall from grace, Piers Morgan’s Daily Mirror ran the gleeful headline: “You’d have to be an idiot to fall off, wouldn’t you Mr President,” adding that “if anyone can make a pig’s ear of riding a sophisticated, self-balancing machine like this, Dubya can.” However, Segways have their own way of redressing the gyroscopic balance of power and soon enough the another powerful white man was beckoned on to the bucking bronco. Four years later Morgan had an epic fall off a Segway while cruising along the promenade at Santa Monica beach, breaking three ribs. “Since only [Bush] and I appear to have ever fallen off one,” he later said, “I think the makers of the Segway can probably still justifiably claim the machines are ‘idiot-proof.’”

Joe Previtera: Aussie cameraman Joe Previtera provided a foreshadowing of Usain Bolt’s fate when he catapulted off his Segway during the 2011 Australia v India Test match in Melbourne. The culprit this time was a helmet on the ground, which Previtera drove over. The commentators burst into laughter and Previtera, who was helped to his feet by the wicketkeeper, confessed he had earlier bragged: “No way, I will never crash this thing ever.” Fact: sports cameramen cannot shoot and Segway at the same time. They would be safer, cooler (and possibly faster) gliding about the pitch in kids’ roller shoes.

Ellie Goulding: It’s not just world leaders and cameramen who are cocky enough to think they can tame the 12.5mph Segway. Pop star Ellie Goulding hopped on one on holiday in Miami, at first “taking off effortlessly along the pavement by the beach”, according to the tabloid who captured the tumble frame by mind-numbing frame. Disaster (OK, sand) struck, Goulding went flying, then got up and took a bow. In beachwear. You can see why this made the news.

Ellen DeGeneres: At the start of 2010 the US talkshow host did a monologue on the Segway X2 that Portia de Rossi had just bought her for Christmas. During the skit she rode the machine around the studio, then admitted: “I’ve already hurt myself on it twice.” The first time was on Christmas morning when, heading for a flowerbed, she threw herself off and split her shin open. The second was rehearsing the monologue and falling off while demonstrating her ability to go backwards. Cut to a clip of the fall and DeGeneres shouting: “Did we get it on tape because that’s the most important thing?” What a pro (or ego).

Jimi Heselden: The Segway falls into the tragic category of inventions that have killed its inventors or owners. In 2010, less than a year after taking over the company, millionaire businessman Jimi Heselden was driving his off-road Segway X2 when he fell off a cliff and into a river near his West Yorkshire estate and died. The coroner later said the 62-year-old reversed the machine to make way for a dog walker and died as a result of this ‘act of courtesy’. Less than 48 hours after Heselden’s death, research was published indicating that accidents involving Segways are on the rise. Chitra Ramaswamy

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iiarchive · 6 years

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Moscow June 6th

See anything wrong/missing? Please let us know!

Please click ‘read more’ to view the details from the show! It WILL contain spoilers from the show!

‘Props’/Opening of the Show

Starts with what they are not going to do

Mentions ‘erotic role play’

Dan as a criminal, Phil as a policeman, voiceover of implied smut

Dan and Phil ‘strip’

Truth Bombs

Dan: what job would they have if youtube didn't exist?

A: funeral director (winner), literally homeless, a lawyer... oh wait.. never mind

Phil: slogan for their youtube channel?

A: came for weird content, stayed for weird content (winner), soft as pyjamas, polite as your momma, safe for your grandad

D&P: if they released a fragrance what would it be called?

A: the pharagrance, rotten houseplants graveyard (winner), l’eau de ladydoor

Ball & Mystery Box

This was not performed at this show.

Dan VS Phil

Psychic Connects - reasons for calling the police (Dan said stealing cereal, Phil said fire in your house)

Phantastic Phacts

Phil: What was Dan’s second upload?

A: Butterfingers (Phil said procrastination, got it wrong)

Dan: What is Phil’s favorite meme?

A: Yee (Dan got it right)

Dan, Phil, or a Rat?

Picture: Phil near a bush (Phil got it wrong)

Picture: Rat (Dan got it wrong, he said Phil)

D&P Dilemma

For Phil: Dan has the power to stop time, but Phil's quiff is forever droopy. (Phil doesn’t take the droopy quiff)

For Dan: Phil will have a button to release dogs anytime, but Dan will have to say hi to everyone in brackets (Dan said no to brackets)

Friendship Test loser - Phil

Wheel of Doom

Phil was sacrificed.

Dan broke the slingshot.

Good VS Evil

Dan - killing friends, oversleeping, spoilers

Phil - free wi-fi, eternal life, ice cream

Getting Deep

Q: what should i do if my boyfriend does not want to watch anime with me?

A: Dan told them to break up because you should be able to watch Yuri! On Ice and cuddle.

Q: Favorite thing about Russia?

A: Phil said the food. Dan discussed how every country has stereotypes and said ‘we met a lot of you and you are so nice! we just what you to know that we went here and met all of you, and Russia we have seen, which is you people, we love it'.

Q: Any tips for a new job?

A: Don’t sleep under the desk, press the panic button, or sale axes to children.

Golden II Awards

They wore glitter suits

Give fandom awards to the audience

Phil’s Diss Track

Assumed lyrics to Phil’s Diss Track thus far

Dan on Piano

Dan plays a song on the piano

Has to do with him and Phil’s origin story

Phil interrupts by returning to his diss track momentarily

Interactive Introverts Duet

Dan and Phil sing a duet with Dan playing the piano

About how they’re ‘Interactive Introverts’

*Bonus*

They talked about their visit to the FIFA shop to see the FIFA mascot (a wolf) and two plushies of Zabivakas were thrown on stage, which they said thank you for.

Two happy endings in the simulator. Phil tweeted a selfie of him and got 18 mil subscribers on twitter and Dan get married to 4 furries

Phil learned how to say ‘hello’ in Russian and Dan said Phil told it to anyone they met

Audience was called ‘Susan’

Dan and Phil had a lot of trouble pronouncing a fan’s name and someone had to help them from the audience

*Current pre-show/intermission playlist*

Thank you to Yulia, namelessiza_, (@/thewinter_bucky), Polina, Kate, (@/geniusdina) and Irina for your submission!

#ii #interactive introverts #russia ii #russia interactive introverts #moscow ii #moscow interactive introverts #dan and phil #phil lester #amazingphil #dan howell #daniel howell #danisnotonfire #phan #dan and phil tour #dan and phil interactive introverts #dan and phil russia #dan and phil moscow #iispoilers

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage Review: Behind the Scenes of a Musical Disaster

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That ain’t teenage spirit you’re smelling. HBO’s Music Box documentary Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage reeks of righteous condemnation, judicial indiscretion, and conspiratorial obfuscation. But it’s okay. This is a disaster film masquerading as a documentary, and the found footage makes it all pay off. Director Garrett Price personally opens the film in the voiceover, explaining how the 1999 celebration itself was written to be a comedy, but “played out much more like a horror film.”

Music festivals have come to represent generations. The original Woodstock: an Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace & Music concert in the summer of 1969 brought half a million people together with the artists who spoke for and to them in a communal love bond. The organizers lost money, the capacity was underestimated, but the audience came together to share what they had to make the weekend legendary. In December that year, the Rolling Stones concert at Altamont was marred by the pool cues and knives of the security team, the Hells Angels. It was deemed the end of the ‘60s.

Woodstock ‘94 happened at the height of the Grunge Revolution, when Kurt Cobain wore a dress but didn’t shave his stubble, and Riot Grrrls blasted personal dissent with the passion of the punk elite and no one cared if they shaved their legs. The organizers lost money, but the fans and the bands were one unit who achieved the common goal of joy. Woodstock ‘99 happened five years later and enjoyed the accessibility of the mainstream’s greatest unifier: MTV. The organizers made money and 200,000 people attended, but the audience got such a raw deal, even the musicians who played got scared. It is remembered as “the day the ’90s died.”

Opening on the 22nd anniversary of the festival, the documentary deems Woodstock ’99 a disaster. They even call in a guy from FEMA, who says it was worse than Hurricane Katrina and the great flood. Told chronologically, Price, who previously directed Love, Antosha, the 2019 tribute to Anton Yelchin, begins with the excitement of a three-day festival. Held on a former military installation in Rome, New York, the Griffiss Air Base was set up to keep the grounds free of ticketless celebrants.

The security team is exposed as a bunch of amateurs specially trained on which boxes to check in a multiple-choice test, and how to find someone’s personal stash of bottled water in a backpack. “There’s a festival grounds in Germany that was literally built by Hitler,” The Offspring’s guitarist Noodles says in an interview. “It’s a great venue, a lot of fun. The air base was less hospitable than the venue built by Nazis.”

There were nonstop performances held a mile apart from each other on the grounds. One highlighted its mosh pits, the other the dance floor. The biggest electronic artist in the Rave Tent proves his genre’s atmosphere opens doorways to perception. “There is a sixth sense that you develop when you spend your life going to venues,” Moby says in an interview. “We got off the bus and I was like, ‘Something is not right.'”

The film is very generous with behind-the-scenes footage. We are treated to aerial shots of cramped campsites, long ATM lines, leaky Port-O-Potties oozing something that only looked like mud, and $4 water bottles, which sold as much as beer in temperatures over 100 degrees. We are told in advance three people died, 44 were arrested. There were 10 reported sexual assaults.

The lineup for the concert was a mix of hard rock bands, pop stars, and hip-hop acts like The Roots, and ICP. Rapper DMX’s epithetic call and response performance gets special notice. “The Black performer is essentially licensing the people in the crowd to say this word with him,” New York Times’ Wesley Morris says in an interview. “If you got each one of these guys after the show, and pulled them aside and said, ‘is it OK to say the N-word under any circumstances?’ They would, to a person, say, ‘I mean, the right answer is no, right?’”

For returning music aficionados with remnants of the first gathering still in their memories, organizers booked jam bands and a few older acts like Elvis Costello, Willie Nelson, and The Who’s John Entwistle. “The ’99 Woodstock seemed like it was trying to relive a nostalgic moment, along with commercialism and capitalism, but not having a real soulful purpose for the show,” singer-songwriter Jewel says in an interview.

As the documentary points out, a lot of the younger attendees had no idea what Wyclef Jean was referencing in his solo guitar performance of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” They ask one kid, who can’t remember who did it first even though he’s standing directly under a huge stencil of Jimi Hendrix’s name. When Bush’s Gavin Rossdale begins Country Joe & the Fish’s “Gimme an F,” the chanters only seek Amy.

Music is supposed to have charms which soothe the savage breast. Many people think the final word of the phrase is “beast,” and the documentary further blurs the line. The early ‘90s music artists were anti-misogynist, anti-racist, anti-homophobic and radically informed. Happening at the end of the Clinton era, when MTV pitted boy bands and pop girls against nü-metal rockers, a fur-coated Kid Rock could call Monica Lewinsky a ho and pass it off as a political statement.

Toxic masculinity’s dirty sister framed Britney Spears as a “Girls Gone Wild” extra, and magazines like Maxim and FHM encouraged the idea young men could shout “show your tits” to Rosie Perez without getting bitch-slapped, the documentary posits. Only three women were invited to perform at the weekend-long, two-stage festival: Jewel, Alanis Morrissette, and Sheryl Crow. “I’m baffled how it went from the progressive, enlightened values of Kurt Cobain and Michael Stipe to misogyny and homophobia and the rape-frat boy culture that was at Woodstock ‘99,” Moby ponders in the film.

Of course, none of wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t all pre-staged. This is where Price dips into the era’s obsession with paranoia. It was the end of the millennium, the Columbine shootings had happened, and the Y2K bug was coming. It was finally time to party like it’s 1999. “Really, the biggest problem was that MTV set the tone,” organizer John Scher says in an interview.

But he downplays it, like he might have been warned by Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files. “There’s no question that a few incidents took place. But if you go back in the records of the police and state police and stuff, we’re not talking about 100. Or even 50. We’re talking about 10. I am critical of the hundreds of women that were walking around with no clothes on, and expecting not to be touched. They shouldn’t have been touched, and I condemn it. But you know, I think that women that were running around naked, you know, are at least partially to blame for that.”

Partial blame is all the rage in Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage. The documentary points out how history paints the original Woodstock like it really was a return to the garden, with peace and love and former flower children having babies to Santana’s “Soul Sacrifice.” But music journalist Steven Hyden reminds us about a group of disgruntled shoppers called “’The Up Against the Wall Motherfuckers,” who didn’t like food prices and burned dozens of stands down.

After Woodstock ’99 grounds started smoking when the candles handed out for a vigil for Columbine victims became torches to burn the place down, the documentary says Rome Mayor Joseph Griffo asked Anthony Kiedis to douse the crowd’s misplaced enthusiasm. The Red Hot Chili Peppers launched into a scorching rendition of Jimi Hendrix’s “Fire.” History blames bands like Limp Bizkit, Korn, and Rage Against the Machine for the destruction. But really, the artistic decision of that song to those circumstances is a no-brainer. “Smoke on the Water” would have been too easy. “Disco Inferno” would have been too obvious.

The documentary talks with the event’s organizers, as well as performers like Korn’s Jonathan Davis, The Offspring, Scott Stapp of Creed, The Roots’ Black Thought. Wesley Morris and Spin‘s Maureen Callahan put things into perspective. The only person the documentary doesn’t talk with is Fred Durst, the frontman for Limp Bizkit, who became the poster boy for the event’s bad behavior. Oh, they talk about him, though. They talk about him like he’s not there, and because he’s not there they must think he won’t see it. At the height of Limp Bizkit’s set, the singer encouraged the crowd to “Break Stuff.” But let’s be fair, it is the name of their song, and Durst is the guy who told the crowd to pick someone up if they fall, not to grope them.

This is what happens when the counterculture makes money. Everyone wants a piece. Woodstock 99: Love, Peace, and Rage is an even-handed dispenser of blame, and has slices for all. The first in a series of music-based documentaries from Bill Simmons’ Ringer Films, this immersive journey bodes well for upcoming tunes.

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Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage is available to stream on HBO Max now.

The post Woodstock 99: Peace, Love, and Rage Review: Behind the Scenes of a Musical Disaster appeared first on Den of Geek.

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schmergo · 6 years

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I went to the Museum of the Bible

Okay, buckle in, because this is gonna be kind of a lengthy post. My mom got free tickets to the highly controversial new Museum of the Bible in DC and I, with heavy misgivings, decided to come along and see what was up. I have to say, I thought it was a lot better than I expected, though I am still suspicious and cynical of several aspects of the place. So here is my detailed review! Here's what you need to know about the museum first: 1. It was founded and funded by Steve Green, the President of Hobby Lobby, aka the company that went to the Supreme Court because they didn't want to cover employees' birth control, saying it went against their religious beliefs. 2. He was also fined $3 million for smuggling artifacts from Iraq (which did not appear in the museum's collection). 3. The museum is technically non-sectarian (though with a Protestant bias), and does not address hot-button issues like evolution/creationism, abortion, LGBTQ+ rights, or how the Bible "should" be interpreted. Its galleries include tellings of the stories from the Bible, the history of the compilation and transmission/translation of the Bible, and the impact of the Bible on history and culture. It always hints at a Christian interpretation but does not outright evangelize. Some people may find this claimed non-political and nonsectarian interpretation more insidious than an outright Christian oriented museum. 4. The museum is free, but with a suggested donation. I would personally not suggest donating anything if you're interested in checking it out so as not to put money in the Hobby Lobby Guy's pockets, but that's just me. Now, I have to address my own personal biases. I am a Protestant Christian (United Methodist, to be specific), but I'm also strongly opposed to what constitutes contemporary "American Christian culture." I'm a believer not only in God but in human rights, evidence-based science/evolution, separation of church and state, charity, equality, and empathy. To me, these values are compatible with studying Jesus' teachings, and I'm deeply critical of people who use Christianity to justify selfish and narrowminded decisions. I also am an elementary-age Sunday school teacher who likes to emphasize the importance of Biblical literacy in self-professed Christians, which this museum champions (you'd be amazed how many Christians aren't actually familiar with the Bible), and in studying not only the stories, but the themes and lessons behind them (which this museum does not do. It allows guests the freedom to interpret the material according to their own beliefs- again, some might like this and some might dislike it). This museum is huge. We were there for about five hours and still didn't see everything. It was also absolutely PACKED with guests. The line to get in snaked down the block, and there were some long lines to get into the "hottest ticket" exhibits. We started off our day in the most popular, multi-media exhibit, The Hebrew Bible, which is a mix of videos and walk-through visuals with exciting lighting, animation, and voiceover, telling the narrative of major Old Testament stories. This exhibit is a pure storytelling "experience" and does not display any artifacts or purport to be a factual account, which I actually love because it is not claiming that all of these accounts are literally true or trying to show historical evidence. It's a little cheesy but less cheesy than you might expect- it feels like an elegant Disney World attraction but with a more artistic and slightly more abstract style. I especially liked the burning bush (the voice of God was represented as multiple voices in unison, at least one of them female), the white room full of rainbow light after the ark, the Red Sea made of string and projected waves, or the watercolor style of art of the Judges/Samuel movie. This experience is as non-controversial as possible, though the one issue is that it portrays the entire Old Testament as a consistent story about how God's people moved closer to and farther from God throughout history, fluctuating in loyalty, which I've heard is contrary to how the Tanakh is generally interpreted. This also implies that the New Testament completes "the story," which shows a Christian bias. The next exhibit was a recreation of the village of Nazareth, which WAS cheesy and Disneyesque, but fun. It felt like the museum at Jamestown Settlement, where you can walk in the little houses and see how people lived in another time. There were living interpreters there, and I liked that the people who played the villagers were racially diverse. There was a mikvah, an olive press, a temple, and typical Jewish homes. Less diverse was the short movie about John the Baptist and King Herod, who were both played by white actors- in fact, Herod was John Rhys-Davies (aka Gimli) in all his bellowing rolled-r scenery-chewing glory. He seemed to be having a grand old time. The New Testament movie was poignant but a slightly more cartoonish style of animation than the Old Testament films. Its art style reminded me of the illustrations on Pottermore. There are a lot of contradictory versions of stories in the Gospels, which was not acknowledged in this movie, but they kind of found a way around this by having the movie told from the perspectives of different people who encountered Jesus in first person (John, Saul/Paul, Mary Magdalene, Thomas, a centurion at the crucifixion, etc), showing them as varying accounts rather than one narrative. I know about the differences between the Gospels, but not everyone does, and this could be interpreted as an oversimplification. One thing I loved about this movie was that they never showed Jesus' face. They allow the audience to imagine him as they see fit. My family got lunch after this. There's a big restaurant called Manna on the top floor that serves middle-Eastern inspired foods and it was quite good. (There are vegetarian, vegan, and kosher options.) I had a platter with falafel, salad, and pickled vegetables, as well as some mango juice. This place gets CROWDED and there are long lines, but you can't re-enter the museum once you've exited unless you get back in the big queue around the block, so you can really only eat here or at the coffee shop downstairs. There's also a biblical garden and observation deck up there. Next, we went to the floor that talks about the history of the Bible, and this is where things get complex. I am less knowledgeable about this stuff than the actual text of the Bible itself, so I can't tell you what was of questionable accuracy here and what was legit, but this floor was definitely poised as being more serious and academic, while the one above it was more about narrative and entertainment-- so obviously, I was side-eying it more. This exhibit is definitely slanted toward the concept that the Bible has been transmitted and translated throughout time with remarkable accuracy, but also explores the differences, inaccuracies, and variations between different Bibles. It starts with a collection of ancient tablets and documents. I have read that some of these have questionable provenance and authenticity, especially fragments of the Dead Sea scrolls. Some of the signage alludes to these questions, some does not. Many items are on loan from other institutions, while others are replicas and facsimiles of items in museums like The British Museum (always labeled as such). The articles of the museum I've read are very severe about questions of authenticity/provenance, partially because of the Hobby Lobby scandal, but also because this is such a new museum. Museum practices have changed over time, and many of the artifacts at the British Museum and the Met are unethically acquired, too. Bear that in mind when visiting any museum (I could rant to you about the Parthenon marbles!) Still, a new and expensive museum like this one should be more careful. The most interesting ancient items in this exhibit were accounts from non-Jewish ancient cultures that told a different version of events than the Bible-- a king claiming to have killed a Hebrew King and thanking his own gods for the victory, while the Bible says that God punished that Hebrew King for not being devoted to him. It was cool to see two sides of the same story. But what I REALLY loved here was the collection of Bibles from the Middle Ages and Renaissance, because I love old books. Like, I took a class at the Folger Shakespeare Library about this stuff. There was a Gutenberg Bible, some absolutely gorgeous illuminated manuscripts (including one belonging to Henry V's great-grandmother and in immaculate condition), Tyndale Bibles, one of the very first edition of the full Bible in English... It was sobering to see that Henry VIII commissioned churches to display Bibles in English two years after Tyndale was executed abroad for translating the Bible into English. My favorite thing in the entire museum was a "Wicked Bible"- a reprint of the King James Bible that accidentally left out a crucial word and said, "Thou shalt commit adultery." Needless to say, most of them were destroyed, and the printers got in trouble, but this one survived. I also liked the small exhibits on which books were included in which versions of the Bible and which were left out/ considered apocrypha. The "Drive Thru History." introductory movie here is incredibly annoying and trying too hard to be cool, by the way, so feel free to skip that one if you go. It does a disservice to a serious collection of books. I also popped into the second floor exhibits before I left, but I didn't stick around for long. This has exhibits on the Bible's impact on US history and on culture in the world. The culture one honestly was so overwhelming and sprawling that it hurt my brain (especially since I had already been in the museum for 4.5 hours), but I did get a kick out of seeing Elvis Presley's Bible. This might be the most propaganda-Y part of the museum, but I didn't take much time to find out. There's also a video booth where people can share their own feelings or experiences about the Bible. The American history section was interesting and surprisingly daring, though. It talked about how the Bible was used to back up positions on different sides of issues through history- pro- and anti- slavery, women's rights, whether to be independent from England. It showed that the Bible has been used for good and bad throughout history and has some cool documents on display- a first edition copy of Uncle Tom's Cabin, Elizabeth Cady Stanton's "Women's Bible," the handwritten manuscript of the Battle Hymn of the Republic. The displays let the public vote on tricky questions like whether they agree with Thomas Jefferson's decision to cut up the Bible and keep the parts that he felt applied as advice to daily life. (73% say no.) Also, in a section about politicians making reference to their personal faiths, there is a clip of Barack Obama singing "Amazing Grace." Nice to see that this museum explicitly denies the "Obama is a secret Muslim" conspiracy. There were more exhibits that I didn't get to see, including some traveling exhibits on loan from the Vatican, an Israeli museum, and a Bavarian museum. They also have a full-stage production of the Broadway musical "Amazing Grace." I will say, I gave a hard side-eye to the large gift shop, through which visitors exit, with the "Museum of the Bible" logo branded on everything from mugs to t-shirts to sunglasses. I would have preferred a tasteful bookshop with maybe a few knick-knacks like cross necklaces and Noah's Ark toys, but I guess I'm an old party-pooper. Overall, I actually had a lot of fun at this museum and got to see some very cool and rare books, but I also was naturally more critical toward this museum's decisions than I normally would be when visiting a tourist attraction. I was happy to see a crowd diverse in age and ethnicity who were discussing the exhibits rather than just zooming through (I did see one guy in a MAGA hat, though- frankly, I thought there might be more). The employees were all really nice and helpful even though the place was outrageously crowded. Would I recommend visiting this museum? Maybe! I think I would recommend it to Christian people who are already knowledgeable about the Bible and willing to think critically about what they read and see. I think it would be a good place to bring kids (mid-elementary and up) and talk seriously about some of these topics and controversies. The kids in my Sunday school class seem to have a hard time remembering sequence of events in the Bible, thinking Moses was the same time as Jesus, calling King David a 'Christian,' etc. This might clarify some stuff. I saw a lot of little kids there, and they were having fun, but I feel like I wouldn't take kids that young there because they wouldn't be able to understand the more complex topics. I don't want to just give them candy-coated pretty stories! I probably would not recommend this museum to people who come from very different faith traditions or none at all, whatever this museum's attempts at secularity. I will say, I'm unsure what the Museum of the Bible's agenda is, because it certainly doesn't seem built to convert anybody. The more cynical part of the says it's built to spread the message that the Bible is so important to history and culture that it should be taught in schools. The less cynical part says that it's built to encourage Christians to explore and become more knowledgeable about their faiths, because we're from a time when the majority of Americans identify as Christian, but very few have read the Bible or can answer basic questions about it. I think that's dangerous, because lots of people seem to adhere more to "Christian" culture than Christian scripture, and that leads to a mindset completely divorced from what I see as Jesus' teachings. I don't personally have a problem with its location near the Mall and the Capitol, because if anything else, I see it as a sign of the separation of Church and State. The museums on and around the mall explore different cultures and fields of study, so does one-- but I hope people who visit DC for this museum also visit some of the Smithsonian museums. Learn about Natural History, African-American history, Native-American History, not just the museum about your own religious faith. Please feel free to ask me any questions about the museum!

#washington dc #museum of the bible

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coleenbrennanfilmblog · 3 years

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Critical Reflection - Passage

This film has been a difficult process, so it is good to finally release it into the world. From the beginning, our choices were based on practicality over creativity. The script we chose for the film was the one we felt would be most achievable given the restrictions we faced. It was known from the beginning that we would only be able to have 3 crew members on set due to Abigail and Josh both having to shield. First we put out our casting calls for the roles and got contacted fairly quickly by two women - Hannah and Heidi. This was really beneficial for us and we ended up using both of them for the final film. Hannah sent over an audition tape for it, as well as Heidi. We all agreed that they were good, before the shoot we all had a zoom call with Hannah to introduce ourselves, this went really well. I began by breaking down the script and making a shot list from this - I wanted to keep the shots fairly simple as I knew that I wanted to make the shoot as easy as possible - I usually don’t think like this but I just didn’t want to add to the stress of such a small crew. I also made the decision not to shoot in Log as I didn’t know if it would be possible to get an in depth grade done for the deadline. Me and Kate went to the location to take test shots - this went well. We blocked out the scene so we knew the exact directions for the actress on the day.

The weather was good on the day we took the test shots, however it was extremely busy. We made the decision to shoot on a path behind the main path at Cramond as it was quieter. The script was initially set at sunset, but due to the quickly changing light of winter, we decided to shoot it during daylight. It would have been too difficult to shoot at sunset as if we had to do retakes it would most likely get dark. I think this was the correct decision to make. I decided to shoot it all on a gimbal as I wanted it to have a natural look to it. I had only used a gimbal once before and it was pre-stabilized for me. I made sure that we got the equipment out the friday before the shoot (shoot was monday). This gave me the whole weekend to get to grips with the ronin - and it did in fact take that long. Stabilizing it was very difficult, I must have watched about 40 youtube tutorials before I managed to get it stable. I still don’t think I fully understood how to use it - as it seemed to move more rigidly than I expected in the shoot.

We needed a bike for the shoot - so I borrowed my friend Joseph’s. He cycled it to the location the night before and hid it behind a bush. I then gave him a lift home. We were worried that it would get nicked in the night but I think all the residents of Cramond are too upper class for his janky bike. When we got to the location on Monday the bike was there, shock. The weather was glorious although a little overcast for my liking. Me, Kyle and the Actress all have cars so we drove to the location. However, our shoot was quite far from the car park so we had to hide our kit behind a tree - another rookie move that I probably shouldn’t be revealing on the blog. In hindsight, it would have been really good to have someone on set to mind the kit. The shoot went okay, in theory it should have been easy. However, I felt as though I was having to do multiple jobs and people weren’t doing their role to the fullest. This meant it took us 5 hours to shoot which I personally think is too long considering the simplicity of our shot list and no lighting etc.

Due to the fact we had no headphone adapter - a lot of our sound was unusable. I also felt that my shots weren't great and could have benefitted from a re-shoot, but it just wasn’t possible for us. Kate re-recorded the sound with Hannah which went really well. Abigail was in charge of the edit, however it was clear early on that she was not comfortable with doing this and it was causing her a lot of stress. I decided to offer to do the edit as I feel comfortable doing it and I was on set so it is easier for me to piece things together. I had a lot of projects on at once which was difficult, so I didn’t put as much time into the edit as I would have liked. I edited the film on final cut pro and it was fairly simple. I had to cut down a lot of content to make the film be within the time limit. This meant chopping out a lot of the voice over which wasn't ideal, as the script flows really well.

vimeo

Overall, I am happy with how the film turned out. I think given our circumstances we did a good job. I don’t feel as though the workload was equal in this project, but I was happy to step up because I feel really passionate about doing good work. In hindsight, there is a lot I would change - but a lot of the issues were out of our control. I agree with a lot of the feedback given to us. Cameron commented that our voiceover doesn’t show character development very much. This is understandable as I had to chop out a lot and disrupt the flow to meet the time limit. I also agree that the levels are too low - I have a very vague understanding of sound design so this is something I was not the most switched onto in the edit. I am glad this project is over - it has definitely been a learning curve for me. I loved watching everyone else's films, it is really inspiring. I am looking forward to our next film projects next semester, I will definitely have a lot of knowledge to transfer from film genre.

0 notes

pcwpolwrestling · 5 years

Text

Feeling the 'Bern'/Sanders In/Extreme Election Night 2016 Review: PCW Newsline

2/21/2019 PCW NEWSLINE-Review of last week’s Extreme Political TV-Bernie Sanders joins the 2020 Sweepstakes -PCW Rankings-Preview of this week’s show. -PCW Extra- Matches from 2016 Extreme Election Night including a replay of the Bernie Sanders-Hillary Clinton match.

CURRENT CHAMPIONS OF THE POLITICAL UNIVERSE:Universal PCW Champion: ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay (Independent/Les Miserables)Universal PCW Tag Team Champions: Jill Berg Enterprises: P.M.C. Banks and Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots)Universal PCW Women’s Champion: ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (Independent)PWF Red Brand Champion: Kirk Walstreit- the Wall Street Market Analyst with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk HerbstreitPWF Blue Brand Champion: ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels

PWF Red Brand Tag Team Champions: Banks and WalstreitPWF Blue Brand Tag Team Champions: Union Jack Taylor and the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior

===

LAST WEEK ON EXTREME POLITICAL TV:‘Low Level Reporter at the New York Times Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Colleen Crowder gets offended at ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave’s ‘Fake News’ t-shirt.

PCW Owner Dawn McGill talks about her experience being ‘detained’ by the Coke Brothers/George Moros/The Establishment.

The Champion of the Political Universe (which sounds really impressive if you think about it) ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay stops by to watch Truckin’ Average Company (Ken Worth-American Trucker/Average Joe/Brad Company) defeat Georgia-Florida State Line and Mr. Wrestling XXXIV.

Russian Collusion comes up. Fox News’s Tucker Carlson tells Colleen that THERE…WAS…NO…RUSSIAN…COLLUSION after she complains about Russian referee Corrina Romanov coming back to officiate a match (Romanov was the referee of the Trump-Clinton match at Extreme Election Night 2016).

Jill Berg Enterprises continues to woo Charlie Blackwell of the Sports Entertainment Corporation.

The Shutdown was averted thanks to a deal brokered by Executive Committee President Nancy Pelosi (CA-Progressive Alliance) and American Patriot Leader Mitch McConnell (KY-American Patriots.

But then CEO of the Political Universe Donald Trump (NY-American Patriots) declares a Security Emergency and gets into it with CNN’s Jim Acosta again.

‘New Age Sensitive Guy’ Blaine Thomas-Taylor vs. ‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-Five makes his PCW debut and defeats ‘New Age Sensitive Guy’ Blaine Thomas-Taylor.

‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann visits McGill and warns her she can’t defeat the Establishment.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez celebrates preventing Amazon from building a new headquarters in New York City. ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott comes out and he’s not impressed.

Main Event: Scott defeats SNAFU.

BERNIE SANDERS JOINS THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE CEO RACEBernie Sanders (VT-Progressive Alliance) announced this week that he is joining the increasingly crowded 2020 race.

Sanders competed in 2016 and lost to with eventual Progressive Alliance standard bearer Hillary Clinton in a hard fought contest in 2016 Hillary Clinton. Clinton went on to lose at PCW Extreme Election Night 2016 to Donald Trump.

Sanders joins a field including Cory Booker (NJ), Kamala Harris (CA), Julian Castro (TX), Tulsi Gabbard (HI), John Delaney (MD), Richard Ojeda (WV), former tech executive Andrew Yang (NY), Elizabeth Warren (MA), and Amy Klobuchar (MN).

Others who may join the race: Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Pete Buttigieg (IN), Former PCW COO Joe Biden, billionaire Michael Bloomberg (NY), and Sherrod Brown (OH).

RED BRAND SHOWAs both shows get back into gear following the month plus long shutdown, here’s how the Red Brand shows breaks down at the moment.

The Red Brand Champion remains ‘Wall Street Market Analyst with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit’ Kirk Walstreit representing Jill Berg Enterprises. JBE also boasts P.M.C. Banks, Big Oil, and 4 time PCW champion Yamamoto Tanaka in their ranks plus Berg herself is a former PCW champion.

Jill Berg Enterprises also has the Red Brand Tag Team champions in Banks and Walstreit- who also hold the Champions of the Political Universe Tag Team belt as well.

The Sports Entertainment Corporation still has Charlie Blackwell in their ranks for now.

A new group is forming called Main Street USA. Farmer John and John Deere are their feature wrestlers and Sarah Mae Smith is the headliner on the women’s side.

The American Military Complex faction has formed featuring the newly signed Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, and kid sister Daisy Cutter-Bomb.

Lastly, the religious right is also represented by The God Squad: Rev. Oral Hinnrich and Rev. Buddy Flambe with Sister Mary Marlboro.

BLUE BRAND SHOWLooking at the Blue Brand show, Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels is the featured wrestler as the Blue Brand champion. Daniels represents the very strong and influential Hollywood contingent in the Progressive Alliance.

Big Labor has James the Auto Worker and Union Jack Taylor- the Blue Brand’s Tag Team Champions.

A Tech/Silicon Valley group has just formed with Myles Microshoft being their feature wrestler.

Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher aka ‘Seriously Bad Lawyers with Seriously Bad Combovers’

The hard left has the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior and Professor McCarthy’s Flock.

Paddy O’Kennedy and Mark Ditka make up the moderate faction in the Progressive Alliance. Kathryn Randall Collins is a longtime stalwart of the women’s division.

PCW RANKINGS

PCW Title Champion: The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism #1 Contender: Jack Fraiser #2 Contender: ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott #3 Contender: SNAFU #4 Contender: Average Joe

PCW Tag Team Title Champion: Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and Halitosis #1 Contender: The Dork Dynasty: Leonard and Sheldon Robertson #2 Contender: The Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja: Hank and Tiny #3 Contender: Truckin’ Average Company: Ken Worth-American Trucker and Brad Company #4 Contender: Rough Justice: D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice

THIS WEEK ON PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV-More on Bernie Sanders jumping into the 2020 race. -The Washington Post gets sued.-PCW Champion ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism attacks Blue Brand Champion Kevin Daniels at a Blue Brand show. -The PCW Tag Team champions Island of Misfit Wrestlers are in action.-The Champion of the Political Universe ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay is also on the card.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2016 Back at the broadcast table with Johnny Suave sitting on the left, Colleen Crowder on the right.

Johnny Suave: Well, if it gets Barbra Streisand to leave the country, there’s as a good reason as any to root for Donald Trump.

Colleen turns to him with a surprised look of disgust.

Colleen Crowder: How dare you say that? Barbra Streisand is a national treasure.

Johnny Suave: So is the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada.

Colleen’s jaw drops.

Johnny Suave: Let’s see how Trump arrived here tonight.

She turns to Johnny.

Colleen Crowder: I can’t believe you compared Barbra Streisand to a rabbit farm.

(FILM CLIP-AMERICAN PATRIOTS GAUNTLET MATCH: Donald Trump vs. Jeb Bush, John Kasich, and Ted Cruz-Taped July 21st in Cleveland, Ohio) Johnny Suave (voiceover): Donald Trump had to run the gauntlet to earn his shot to become the next PCW PEO. First, he had to face Jeb Bush and the Bush Family (former PCW CEO’s George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush).

Trump arrives in the ring wearing an authentic Viking costume complete with a huge wooden club that he brings to the ring with him.

Referee Reince Priebus gives Trump and Jeb Bush their final instructions.

The bell rings. Trump pretends he putting the club down but then spins around and clocks Bush with club cutting him wide open in the face. The Bushes at ringside are horrified. Priebus’s jaw drops. Bush drops like a rock and Trump slides in and hooks the legs.

Johnny Suave (v/o): Suffice to say, both George W. and George H.W. Bush were furious with Trump after he literally bludgeoned Jeb Bush…

George W. angrily wheels his father George H.W., in a wheelchair, away from the ring.

Johnny Suave (v/o): …with a club. The Bushes are so mad that they are not supporting Trump tonight against Hillary Clinton. Next up in the gauntlet…John Kasich.

Kasich tries. He tries real hard. Kasich gets in a few shots but in the end, Trump takes him out with a Skyscraper Slam and dispatches the Ohioan to move on.

Johnny Suave (v/o): Then…Ted Cruz.

Cruz puts up a battle. Trump has all the cards in the end. One Skyscraper Slam later and Trump takes the win.

=================================

DONALD TRUMP PROMOInside a ritzy china store in downtown New York City, Donald Trump looks at and examines a pricey piece of china. His manager Kellyanne Conway stands in the background with the storekeeper and watches.

Donald Trump: Four years ago, PCW all but went out of business. When PCW CEO Barack Obama became the CEO, I thought he’d do well. I thought he’d be a great cheerleader for PCW.

Trump shakes his head.

Donald Trump: But I was wrong.

Trump whips around and in the process catches one the plates on the shelf and sends it flying to the ground. The expensive plate smashes into pieces.

The storekeeper gasps. Conway doesn’t flinch.

Donald Trump: That’s not what happened. Under the policies of CEO Obama, PCW went dark in 2012 and we had people who weren’t working. Now, with the restart of PCW, we need someone who can rebuild the PCW brand and make it great once again. My opponent’s catchphrase is ‘I’m with her.’ No folks. I will work for you. I will wrestle for you.

The camera follows Trump as he goes around the corner, his coat brushing up against the china on the shelf and causing them to smash on the floor.

Horrified Storekeeper: Um, Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: We need someone who will lift PCW back up.

Trump bumps into another set of dishes and sends them spinning to the floor.

Donald Trump: With Donald Trump running PCW, we will do it. PCW has tremendous potential but it’s been held back by an establishment who doesn’t care about you- the PCW fans.

He grazes another shelf of dishes and they fall to the ground.

Horrified Storekeeper (more urgent): Mr. Trump!

Conway just shrugs and follows Trump through the store.

Donald Trump: We can take PCW back from the corrupt ruling class and we can make it work for you – the fans.

Trump bumps into another shelf sending the whole structure crashing to the ground.

Horrified Storekeeper: MR. TRUMP!

Donald Trump: PCW Extreme Election Night 2016. Trump vs. Hillary. Who will prevail. The status quo?

Trump points at the camera…and accidently catches another plate.

*SMASH*

Donald Trump: Or YOU!

*SMASH*

The storekeeper confronts Trump.

Horrified Storekeeper: MR. TRU-

Trump motions to Conway. Conway reaches into her purse and hands the intensely anxious storekeeper a check. The storekeeper takes one look at the figure written on the check and immediately exhales and de-tenses down.

Now not-so-horrified Storekeeper: …oh, that’s better.

=================================

Johnny Suave: Well, speaking of Hillary Clinton, let’s take a quick look back on how she reached tonight’s PCW CEO showdown against Donald Trump…

(FILM CLIP-PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE MATCH: Hillary Clinton vs. Bernie Sanders-Taped July 28th in Philadelphia, PA) Johnny Suave (voiceover): All lethal weapons were banned from the match and replaced with cardboard in an attempt to tone down the violence. The leader of the Progressive Alliance, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, presided over the match as the referee. With questions about her impartiality in the air, would Wasserman-Shultz call things right down the middle?

Bernie Sanders grabs an empty cardboard toilet roll and smacks it over Hillary’s head. Wasserman-Shultz admonishes Sanders.

Hillary clubs Sanders with her own empty cardboard toilet roll. *CLANK* Sanders staggers backwards into the corner. The cardboard toilet roll slides off and reveals a small lead pipe. Sanders’s manager Jeff Weaver screams at Wasserman-Shultz. Wasserman-Shultz shakes her head and tells him she didn’t see anything wrong.

Johnny Suave (v/o): Even Bill Clinton got into the act.

Weaver again engages referee Wasserman-Shultz over an infraction. Bill Clinton sneaks over and spins Sanders around- then he jabs him in the eye. Then Hillary walks over with what’s purported to be a paper plate but what is actually a steel plate sandwiched by two paper plates. *CLANK*

Johnny Suave (v/o): But then Sanders turned the tide and took the fight to the Clintons.

Sanders hits a single leg takedown on Hillary. Bill then tries to sneak up on him from behind. Sanders low bridges him and then whips him into the corner turnbuckle. Halfway there, Bill ‘stumbles’ and falls face forward into the turnbuckle and flips up and over. Clinton tries to snag the top rope, misses, and tumbles down to the floor. Bill then gets back on his feet…takes two steps…stops…and then flops face first to the floor.

Johnny Suave (v/o): But in the end, Hillary would prevail.

Sanders has Hillary down and hooks the leg. Wasserman-Shultz takes her sweet time going over to make the pinfall. Finally, Sanders jumps back up and gets in her face. While he argues with Wasserman-Shultz, Hillary slides over, grabs Sanders from behind, and rolls him back into a pinning situation. Wasserman-Shultz immediately slams her hand on the mat with a machine gun “onetwothree” and that’s the match.

=================================

HILLARY CLINTON PROMODeep down in the bowels of Washington D.C. Extremely dark setting. Hillary Clinton, accompanied by her husband Bill, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, and her manager Robby Mook, steps forward into the light.

Hillary Clinton: Donald Trump. You might be a big shot in the business world. You may be a legend in the corporate boardroom. But Donald, you have no idea what you’ve just walked into. You see, this is my arena. And you have no idea what lengths I’ll go to get what I want and deserve. PCW CEO.

Bill folds his arms in front of him.

Hillary Clinton: There are many people all across the PCW universe who believe, like I do, that Donald Trump simply cannot get the job done…that Donald Trump is fundamentally unqualified to be the CEO of PCW. As PCW starts up again, we need new ideas and someone who is temperamentally prepared to do the job. That person is me. At three AM in the morning, when the phone rings and there’s a crisis that needs to be handled, you want me to take that call- not Donald Trump. Donald Trump’s ideas are dangerously incoherent, he is horribly unprepared for a position that requires knowledge, stability, and responsibility. Putting Trump in charge would be rolling the dice with PCW’s future.

Bill Clinton: Trump running PCW would be the craziest thing in the world ever- even crazier than Obamacare- *SMACK* – OWWW!

He rubs his shoulder where Hillary had just smacked him with her open hand.

Hillary Clinton: Don’t say that!

Bill Clinton: Sorry.

She turns her gaze back to the camera.

Hillary Clinton: To get PCW back up and running, it will take a real plan, with real experience, and real leadership. Donald Trump is unfit to be PCW CEO. It would be a historic mistake if he somehow won. At Extreme Election Night 2016, my experience, built up on years of working side-by-side with the Progressive Alliance, fighting for what we believe, will prevail over Donald Trump. If you don’t believe me, listen for yourself to the voices of my Hollywood friends.

youtube

Hillary turns and burns a steely glare towards her manager.

Robby Mook: I…I…I…

Mook awkwardly smiles.

Robby Mook (pointing at Hillary): I’m with her?

Hillary looks at him incredulously.

Hillary Clinton: GAH!

She throws up her hands and storms off.

Hillary Clinton (offscreen): WHEN I FIND OUT WHO SWITCHED THAT TAPE…

=================================

MATCH 6: The Battle for PCW CEO

Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance) vs. Donald Trump (American Patriots) Referee: Corrina Romanov

=================================

Back to Suave and Colleen at the broadcast desk with the crowd buzzing in anticipation for the PCW CEO showdown that’s just mere moments away.

Johnny Suave: Johnny Suave back with the low level reporter trying to make a name for herself at the New York Times Colleen Crowder…

Colleen Crowder: Do you have to say it like that?

Johnny Suave: …and we are just about ready for the big match to determine who will become the next PCW CEO.

Both Clinton and Trump supporters rise to their feet, holding up their pro-Clinton and pro-Trump signs and shouting dueling chants of ‘I’M WITH HER!’ and ‘TRUMP…TRUMP…TRUMP!’ back and forth at each other.

Johnny Suave (talking louder): Joining us now is Five Thirty Eight’s Nate Silver. Silver, of course, boldly predicted four years ago at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 that Triple R would win the PCW Title and Barack Obama would win a second four year run as PCW CEO.

The camera pans to the right and adds Silver to the picture.

Johnny Suave: Nate, thanks for joining us.

Nate Silver: My pleasure, Johnny.

Johnny Suave: Your insight on what you think will happen tonight.

Nate Silver: Well Johnny. As of right now, I believe Hillary Clinton has a 70% chance of winning this match. I think it’ll be close. But I think the distinct trend is towards Hillary right now.

Colleen Crowder: Nate, I think you’re being too cautious. The New York Times believes that Hillary Clinton’s chances of becoming the first ever woman to become PCW CEO is around 85%. There’s simply no way that Trump will win this match tonight.

Nate Silver: I wouldn’t go that far Colleen. Yes, I believe Hillary Clinton is the clear favorite here tonight. But, I still maintain that the match will be closer than most think it will. There’s still a path for a possible Trump victory. For starters, Clinton doesn’t have the solid advantage that Barack Obama had against Mitt Romney four years ago.

Colleen Crowder: Yeah but that’s not the narrative we’re running with. Hillary Clinton will win this match tonight because Trump is not qualified to be PCW CEO.

Johnny Suave: You know Colleen, narrative driven news is to journalism what World Wrestling Entertainment is to the sport of wrestling.

Once she comprehends what Suave has just said to her, Colleen glares at him and her eyes shoot daggers through Suave. She grits her teeth.

Colleen Crowder (slowly): Eighty…five…percent…

Johnny Suave: We’d better get to the ring. Kimber Marshall, take it away!

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match will determine who will become the next CEO of Political Championship Wrestling!

“I’M WITH HER!…I’M WITH HER!”

“TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!”

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first…

The lights cut out and music starts…

*”Imperial March”- Star Wars

DUH.

DUH-DUH-DUHHHH

DUH-DUH-DUHHHHH.

Dressed in all black complete with a flowing black cape, Donald Trump and his manager Kellyanne Conway walk out on stage to a big ovation from the American Patriots. Some of the more official types of the American Patriots…ie…John McCain, Susan Collins, and Rick Perry, who sit down front close to ringside, don’t seem overly enthusiastic with their support.

Back on stage, the leader of the American Patriots Reince Priebus filters in behind along with PCW Executive Committee member Paul Ryan.

Johnny Suave: Trump looks particularly sinister tonight!

Colleen Crowder: It’s hideous Johnny. Simply hideous. We really need Hillary to win.

Conway leads the way as Trump, black robe ruffling behind him as he strides, makes his way down the steps from the stage and heads toward the ring.

Kimber Marshall: Residing in the Trump Tower in the great city of New York, New York! He promises to…

The Trump supporters shout out: “MAKE PCW GREAT AGAIN!”

Kimber Marshall: Managed tonight by Kellyanne Conway, accompanied by his Second in Command Mike Pence, and representing the American Patriots! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! DONALD J. TRUMP!

Again, the Trump Supporters let loose with thunderous roar that shakes the building. Trump nods and acknowledges the fans.

Johnny Suave: Donald Trump climbs into the ring. Can be make history of his own here tonight by becoming the next PCW CEO?

Colleen Crowder: NO! I mean, David Brooks from the New York Times is a conservative and even he doesn’t think Donald Trump should be PCW CEO.

Johnny Suave: David Brooks is conservative for the New York Times, yes.

The supporters “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” chant merges with the Imperial March and becomes:

“TRUMP.

TRUMP.

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP”

Trump holds the ring ropes open for Kellyanne Conway to slip through. Pence, Priebus and Ryan join them.

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent.

Imperial March- off…

*”Formation”- Beyonce*

…Beyonce’s ‘Formation’- on.

The house lights cut out and then start flashing to the beat causing the Progressive Alliance fans to leap out of their seats.

Quick cut to the upper section where Amy Schumer and Chelsea Handler are dancing on their chairs, Miley Cyrus is on the table twerking, and Madonna…well, we don’t really want to know what she’s doing right now.

Kimber Marshall (loudly over the blaring music): Managed by Robby Mook and accompanied by her Second in Command Tim Kaine, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, and her husband…FORMER PCW CEO William Jefferson Clinton!

Beyonce comes out on stage lip-synching to her song. She and Jay-Z lead the parade to the ring. Next out, Mook, Wasserman-Shultz, and Bill Clinton.

Kimber Marshall: From Chappaqua, New York. Representing the Progressive Alliance!

Next out, Bill and Hillary’s daughter Chelsea Clinton.

Kimber Marshall: And vying to make history by becoming the first ever woman to become CEO of PCW!

Finally, Hillary Clinton walks out wearing a white pants suit.

Kimber Marshall: PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR…HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON!

The A-List celebrities in the top section of Hack’s stand up and shout. On the floor, the Progressive Alliance section is simply rocking. Hillary Clinton signs bobbing up and down, moving left to right as Beyonce continues to lip synch her song and dance down the aisle.

Reaching the ring, Hillary climbs up the steps first and ducks into the ring, followed by her husband and daughter.

Johnny Suave: Oh wow! Listen to that ovation for Hillary Clinton. Both sides are geared up for what promises to be an incredible match.

Colleen Crowder: Again Johnny. According to the New York Times calculations, it’s going to be an early night, it’s going to be a quick match, because Donald Trump has no chance to defeat Hillary Clinton.

Johnny Suave: Nate?

Nate Silver: The odds are definitely in Ms. Clinton’s favor but I won’t go that far to say that he has no chance.

Johnny Suave: Thanks for your insight. Nate Silver, everyone. Let’s take it back to the ring and the referee in charge of this match- Corrina Romanov.

The name Romanov causes Colleen to cock her head quizzically to the side.

Romanov enters the ring wearing the appropriate white and black striped referee’s shirt and black pants. A former wrestler of her own right, she gets a healthy round of applause from the patrons of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Colleen Crowder: Hold on…isn’t she like- Russian?

Romanov goes over to Trump and does the usual pre-match check.

Johnny Suave: She is. So what?

Then Romanov walks over to Clinton’s corner and does the same.

Colleen Crowder: Nothing. It’s just…strange…that PCW would assign a Russian referee for this match.

Johnny Suave: Nah, you’re overthinking this. Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. We are just about ready to go.

Satisfied, Romanov turns to the bell table and calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: And here we go!

“I’M WITH HER! I’M WITH HER!…”

Johnny Suave: LISTEN TO THE DUELLING CHANTS!

“TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!…”

Johnny Suave: THE NOISE IS JUST DEAFENING IN HERE!

Both Trump and Clinton cautiously walk forward from their respective corners and circle each other in the middle of the ring.

Then out of nowhere, Clinton drives a knee to the balls. Trump crumples over. And the Progressive Alliance section goes nuts.

Johnny Suave: CLINTON DRAWS FIRST BLOOD!

Clinton whips Trump into her corner where he’s greeted with a few forearm shots from her husband Bill. He lays in more big forearms on Trump. Hillary follows up with some knife-edge chops. Trump then whips Clinton across the ring into the opposite corner.

Johnny Suave: Trump sends Clinton for the ride…

Trump sets up for a backdrop but Clinton flips over him and then delivers a punt kick to the jewels.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Dropping to his knees, Trump’s face scrunches in pain. Clinton moves behind him. Basement dropkick to the back sends Trump down face first to the mat. She rolls him over for a cover.

One.

Tw-

Johnny Suave: Easy kick out for Donald Trump.

Debbie Wasserman-Shultz shouts at the referee and then slams her hand down on the mat in the same rapid-fire fashion she’d done when Hillary defeated Bernie Sanders in Philadelphia.

Colleen Crowder: That was a slow count.

Johnny Suave: Any count is slow compared to what Wasserman-Shultz did to Sanders.

Trump fights back to his feet and tries to stop the momentum. But Clinton scratches his eyes and then hits a knee to the gut. Russian Leg Sweep follows and Trump is right back on the ground. Clinton again makes the cover but Trump out of nowhere pushes her off and then rolls her up.

Johnny Suave: TRUMP REVERSES. COVER!

The American Patriots rise up in anticipation.

One

Two.

Johnny Suave: NO! HILLARY GRABBED THE BOTTOM ROPE!

Romanov calls for a break. While she tries to get Hillary to let go of the bottom rope, Bill Clinton sneaks in and pokes Trump in the eye. He recoils back and covers his eye.

Johnny Suave: She’s not letting go of the rope. WHAT?

What? Suave does a doubletake when Captain America…yes…Captain America runs down and slides into the ring.

Johnny Suave: What the hell is this?

Colleen Crowder: It’s Captain America.

Johnny Suave: I know it’s Captain America. Why is Captain America in the ring?

Trump staggers back. Captain America takes his shield and then blasts him in the back of the head with it.

Johnny Suave: Oh…that’s why.

Captain America stares at the downed Trump, who’s holding his head from the shield shot. He then pulls off his mask.

Colleen Crowder: Hey! That’s Chris Evans from the Avengers movie!

Johnny Suave: Where is the referee?

Referee Corrina Romanov is in deep conversation with ABC’s Martha Raddatz at the edge of the ring.

Johnny Suave: MARTHA RADDATZ IS AT RINGSIDE? WHAT IS SHE DOING?

Suave sees Evans pick up the shield.

Johnny Suave: What is he doing?

Evans places the Captain America shield in Trump’s groin area. Then Iron Man jumps into the ring carrying a bowling ball bag.

Johnny Suave: WHAT IS IRON MAN DOING HERE?

Iron Man (okay… it’s really Robert Downey, Jr. playing Iron Man) takes the bowling ball bag, lifts it in the air, and slams it into the shield.

*CLANK*

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: Oooooooooohhhhh!

Trump rolls back and forth in excruciating pain.

Johnny Suave: KELLYANNE CONWAY IS ON THE RING APRON SCREAMING AT CORRINA ROMANOV!

Finally, Conway gets Romanov’s attention and the referee refocuses her attention back to the match and sees Evans and Downey in the ring. She immediately chases both Hollywood stars from the ring. Which, of course, allows Hillary to indulge in a little blatant choking while the referee continues to be distracted.

Colleen Crowder: I’ve changed my mind. I now believe that Hillary Clinton has a 90% chance of winning. She’s totally dominating him.

Clinton uses the boots to deliver a shot to the gut and another. Trump finally trips Clinton up and sends her to the mat.

Johnny Suave: Big boot by Trump knocks Clinton off her feet. But there’s a lot of worried faces at ringside.

Quick cut to the American Patriots section. Reince Priebus brings a hand to his chin. Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell both watch the action with extremely concerned expressions on their face.

Back to the ring where Clinton has gone over and talks with Robby Mook.

Johnny Suave: Bad idea. She can’t give Trump time to recover like that.

Trump pulls himself back up again. He goes right over to Hillary and they trade forearm strikes. Trump whips her into the corner and then catches Clinton on the rebound with a Bulldog.

Clinton tries to whip Trump to her corner but Trump blocks, lifts Hillary up, bringing her legs off the ground, and falls backward to the mat sending her back-first to the mat.

Johnny Suave: SIDEWALK SLAM BY TRUMP. HE COVERS.

One.

Two.

Johnny Suave: WHAT THE HELL IS CNN’S ANDERSON COOPER DOING IN THE RING?

Just as Corrina Romanov starts to lower her hand down for three, Anderson Cooper bolts into the ring out of the blue and pushes Trump off of Clinton.

Johnny Suave: COOPER MAKES THE SAVE!

Colleen Crowder: Maybe we should reduce the chances of Hillary winning back to 85%.

While Hillary scoots back to her corner, Trump gets into Romanov’s face and argues about the count. He doesn’t see Bill Clinton sneaking up from behind. Bill tries to whip Trump into Hillary’s corner. Trump reverses and goes for a big boot to the face. But Bill ducks, boots Trump in the gut, and then hits a spinning neckbreaker.

Johnny Suave: Bill Clinton fires up the crowd and now he’s going for scoop slam!

Clinton goes to lift Trump up but he doesn’t see trouble brewing behind him. Two women from his past.

Johnny Suave: THAT’S KATHLEEN WILLEY AND PAULA JONES! TWO WOMEN WITH HUGE ISSUES WITH BOTH BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON!

Colleen Crowder: What are they doing in the ring?

At once, the crowd noise jumps dramatically which causes Bill to wonder what’s going on. Finally, his innate curiosity wins out so he turns around and gets an unpleasant surprise. His eyes widen and the crowd goes wild.

Johnny Suave: Nowhere to run! Nowhere to hide!

Colleen Crowder: That’s not fair! They’re interfering in the match!

Johnny Suave: Here we go!

Willey and Jones take Bill by each arm and fling him into the corner turnbuckle. Bill ‘stumbles’ and falls forward head first into the turnbuckle. He flips up and over the turnbuckle, tries to snag the top rope, misses, and tumbles down to the floor.

Johnny Suave: RIC FLAIR FLIP!

On the floor, Bill then gets back on his feet…takes two steps…stops…and then flops face first back to the floor.

Johnny Suave: RIC FLAIR FLOP!

Back in the ring, Hillary comes off the ropes and leaps onto Trump’s back.

Johnny Suave: SLEEPER HOLD!

Colleen Crowder: YES! COME ON HILLARY!

Trump spins to try and dislodge Hillary from his back. Unfortunately, he loses his balance and ends up on the mat. Hillary wastes no time in making the cover.

One.

Two.

Johnny Suave: Trump kicks out. He’s trying to regain his bearings and…why is the referee talking to the Clinton corner again?

This time, Romanov is having a heated conversation with Hillary’s manager Robby Mook and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. While they’re distracting the referee, Chelsea Clinton slides a steel chain over to her mother who quickly wraps it around Trump’s neck.

Johnny Suave: AND NOW SHE’S GOT THAT STEEL CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK!

Colleen Crowder: Sleeper hold.

Trump’s face turns bright red as the chain is wrapped tightly and cutting off his oxygen.

Johnny Suave: BULL-*BLEEP*! THAT’S A BLATANT CHOKE! SHE’S TRYING TO CHOKE DONALD TRUMP OUT!

While Trump desperately tries to loosen the chain around his neck, yet another person races down the aisle towards the ring.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE? THAT’S FOX NEWS’S CHRIS WALLACE!

Wallace jumps up on the ring apron, grabs Romanov, and spins her around. He points at Hillary who’s still trying strangle Trump with a steel chain.

Colleen Crowder: What is he doing? Chris Wallace has no business butting his head into this match.

Johnny Suave: And CNN’s Anderson Cooper and ABC’s Martha Raddatz didn’t do the exact same thing?

Colleen Crowder: That’s different. Everyone knows Fox News is biased towards the American Patriots!

Romanov immediately acts. She pushes Clinton back, breaking the choke hold. Then Romanov literally rips the chain out of Hillary’s hands and tosses it out of the ring.

Colleen Crowder: The Russian referee is exerting too much influence on this match which means Vladimir Putin is trying to affect the results!

Johnny Suave: Um…Corrina Romanov just enforced the rules because, newsflash, even PCW has rules.

Colleen Crowder: But Vladimir Putin-

Johnny Suave: Is this another narrative or…

There’s a collective gasp inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen Crowder: What.

Colleen turns her attention back to the ring and immediately shoots up from her chair in full righteous indignation mode.

Colleen Crowder: THAT’S NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Johnny Suave: TESTICULAR CLAW! TRUMP IS USING THE TESTICULAR CLAW!

The reaction is instantaneous and the fun really begins. An enraged Colleen Crowder literally jumps up on the broadcast table and points at Trump.

Colleen Crowder: DISQUALIFY HIM! DISQUALIFY HIM!

The Clinton team are stunned. Without hesitation, they all charge the ring.

The Progressive Alliance are stunned. Disgusted. Repulsed. Suddenly, the likes of Chuck Schumer, Elizabeth Warren, and Nancy Pelosi charge the ring.

The media are stunned. Revolted. Aggrieved. Don Lemon of CNN, the Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson and Dana Milbank, and the New York Times’s David Brooks and Paul Krugman pile into the ring.

Colleen Crowder: HE SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED!

Even some members of the American Patriots are stunned. Appalled. Queasy. John McCain, Lindsey Graham, former Jeb Bush, and Mitt Romney charge the ring and a huge scrum explodes.

Johnny Suave: IT’S HIT THE FAN NOW!

Trump finds himself swallowed up by a mass of humanity as members of each group literally throw each other out of the way to get to him.

Johnny Suave: This is just a mob scene!

Colleen Crowder: WHY HASN’T THE REFEREE DISQUALIFIED HIM?

Johnny Suave (sarcastically): Maybe Vladimir Putin told her not to.

Colleen Crowder: SEE! I TOLD YOU!

Johnny Suave: Trump is getting no help from the American Patriots either!

Cut to Paul Ryan. He’s whistling while he ever so subtly tries to inch away from the ring, hoping that no one can see him subtly trying to inch away from the ring. Mitch McConnell? He’s gone from ringside and nowhere to be found.

The rest of the establishment? Sitting in their seats reading the Wall Street Journal or on their phones making plans for their golf getaway.

Quick cut to the Les Miserables section. What had been a full section of people is now half empty.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE!

‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan, ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay, and Charlie Blackwell stream to the ring followed by forty other people sitting in their section.

Johnny Suave: It’s the LES MISERABLES!

Colleen Crowder: I’m confused Are they coming to help Clinton?

Bryan hops up on the ring apron. He drapes Dana Milbank’s neck over the top rope and drops to the floor causing the Washington Post columnist to whiplash off the ropes and onto his back.

Johnny Suave: BRYAN TOSSES MILBANK OUT!

Bert the Janitor tosses McAvay a Big Bertha Driver.

Johnny Suave: MCAVAY HAS THE BIG BERTHA!

*THWACK*

Johnny Suave: DOWN GOES CHUCK SCHUMER!

*THWACK^

Johnny Suave: DOWN GOES LINDSEY GRAHAM!

Mitt Romney sees McAvay using the driver to pole axe his way through the crowd. He wisely uses discretion and decides to slip out of the ring.

Johnny Suave: AND HERE COMES CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

Blackwell jumps into the ring wielding a steel folding chair. and starts taking people out left and right.

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: BLACKWELL NAILS PAUL KRUGMAN WITH THE CHAIR!

Blackwell turns and swings the chair again.

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: CNN’s DON LEMON GOES DOWN!

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: HE GOT JEB BUSH TOO!

Colleen Crowder: WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

Johnny Suave: THEY’RE CLEANING HOUSE!

The rest of the Les Miserables climb through the ropes and suddenly there’s a lot of people in close quarters.

Colleen Crowder: DEPLORABLE!

The American Patriots, Progressive Alliance, and media contingent still in the ring decide to hastily exit stage right leaving just Trump, Hillary, McAvay, Blackwell, Bryan, and the forty-odd Les Miserables inside.

Colleen Crowder: THESE PEOPLE ARE DEPLORABLE! WHAT ARE ALL THESE DEPLORABLE PEOPLE DOING IN THE RING?

Johnny Suave: Actually, they’re Les Miserables.

Colleen Crowder: AND WHY HASN’T THE REFEREE DISQUALIFIED TRUMP FOR THIS BLATANT OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE? THERE IS NO WAY THIS MATCH-

Blackwell and McAvay re-station themselves outside the ring and the Les Miserables surrounding the squared circle. The ring steadily clears and when it does, leaving just Trump and Hillary inside, there’s an unpleasant realization for one side.

Johnny Suave: FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK!

Crowder pulls at her hair.

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOOOOO!

In the midst of the chaos caused when the Les Miserables invaded the ring, Trump took one of Hillary’s legs, turned it 90 degrees, grabbed her other leg and crossed it with the other. Then he put one foot in between, the other on the other leg, and bridged over to lock in the figure-four.

To make matters worse, Trump had her smack dab in the middle of the ring- a long, long way from help.

Johnny Suave: HOW ARE HER CHANCES LOOKING NOW?

Colleen remains defiant.

Colleen Crowder: Sixty-five percent, Johnny. I’m still quite confident Hillary will win if the Russian referee would actually DO HER JOB!

The Progressive Alliance contingent charge forward but the Les Miserables protecting the ring stop them in their tracks.

Colleen Crowder: Okay…maybe fifty-five percent- COME ON!

Clinton closes her eyes and sits up. She takes a couple swipes at Trump and then falls backwards.

Johnny Suave: Is Hillary going to tap out?

Colleen Crowder: NEVER!

Hillary reaches for the ropes but she’s too far away.

Johnny Suave: What do you say now?

Colleen Crowder: Fifty-fifty.

As the pain registers all over Clinton’s face, for the first time a realization comes over the folks sitting in the Progressive Alliance section that she could lose this.

Johnny Suave: Are you sure about that?

Colleen Crowder: (whispers incoherently)

Johnny Suave: Didn’t hear you.

Colleen Crowder: I SAID SIXTY PERCENT FOR TRUMP! JESUS, HE COULD WIN THIS THING!

The camera pans through the Progressive Alliance section of the bar. Jaws dropped. Shocked expressions. Hands on cheeks.

Johnny Suave: Do I hear seventy percent…seventy-five percent? Going once. Going twice. Going-

Colleen Crowder: SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT FOR TRUMP. (shouts to no one in particular) COME ON! ANYONE? DO SOMETHING?

Over the loudspeaker, the opening notes to…

Johnny Suave: Wait a minute! I know that song.

A man dressed in a flannel shirt, holding a mocha in one hand and a Singapore cane in the other, steps out of the shadows on the second level of the bar.

Johnny Suave: And I know that guy! HE’S BACK!

The crowd merrily sings along to the Fleetwood Mac song as the man dressed in flannel started towards the stage.

Colleen Crowder: Hold on. Is that who I think it is?

Johnny Suave: It is.

As the sing along continues, the man holds up his mocha, contained inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable cup of course, and chugs it down.

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN,’ TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN,’ INSANE SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND EXTREME ENVIRONMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!

Colleen Crowder: YES!

Gore crushes the paper cup on his forehead in an alpha manly fashion. Gore then spews the mocha out of his mouth like a geyser going off and sprays several tables in close proximity.

Colleen Crowder: Look at the expression on the Trump Team’s faces!

The camera cuts over to Kellyanne Conway and Mike Pence. They’re not paying any attention.

Johnny Suave: Um…they’re not paying attention.

Colleen Crowder: Well…THEY SHOULD BE!

Gore moves up to the steps leading down and turns around to face the Progressive Alliance section. He pulls out another cup of mocha and holds it high in the air. Again, Gore chugs down the mocha, crushes the container against his forehead, and spits the mocha onto several tables.

Colleen Crowder: …if he ever gets to the ring.

Back in the ring, Referee Corrina Romanov maneuvers around, watching for any sign of a tap out. Mook, Kaine, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Wasserman-Shultz, blocked from the ring by the Les Miserables watch helplessly. Hillary falls back again and her strength wanes.

Johnny Suave: Trump is THIS close to winning!

Colleen Crowder: Son of a bitch. Ninety percent chance for Trump to win.

Colleen shouts up at Gore.

Colleen Crowder: HURRY UP!

Gore makes it downstairs. He stops and pulls out another cup of mocha.

Colleen Crowder: SON OF A BITCH! AL, WOULD YOU GET TO THE RING ALREADY?

Johnny Suave: HILLARY’S RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Again, Gore chugs down the mocha, crushes the container against his forehead…

Colleen Crowder (lamenting): He’s not going to get to the ring in time, is he?

Johnny Suave: Nope.

…and spits the mocha towards the ring just as Hillary slaps her hand on the mat.

Johnny Suave: SHE TAPPED OUT! THAT’S IT!

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOOO!

Romanov calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: TRUMP WINS! TRUMP WINS!

Colleen Crowder: Oh…my…God.

Johnny Suave: The next CEO of PCW is Donald J. Trump!

The camera cuts to outside the ring. Now that Trump’s won and it’s ‘safe,’ Paul Ryan is slowly edging his way back towards the action.

Johnny Suave: And the conservative chickens have come home to roost!

Mitch McConnell races by Ryan, actually he knocks Ryan out of his way, cheering and pumping his fist in the air. However, others sitting with the rest of the American Patriot supporters aren’t so sure about what just took place.

The Les Miserables at ringside have no inhibition about celebrating. Blackwell, Bryan, and McAvay find themselves in the midst of a big time party.

Panning back to the Progressive Alliance section- soul-crushing sadness among Hillary’s supporters is the prevalent feeling.

The majority of the people on hand begin to sing: “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” and wave goodbye to the Hollywood celebs who said they would leave the country if Trump won.

Johnny Suave: After everything that’s happened over the past few months and with the entire Washington D.C. beltway establishment lined up against him- the Republican establishment, the Democrat establishment, the militantly left wing Democrats- who seem to have all gathered in California, and the mainstream media, when the chips were down Donald Trump came through on PCW’s biggest stage.

Colleen Crowder: I think I’m going to be sick.

Johnny Suave: Is that the narrative or an actual story?

Colleen Crowder: Shut up!

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vileart · 7 years

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Knock Dramaturgy: Nive Petel @ Edfringe 2017

Niv Petel Knock Knock

Venue C primo, venue 41,

Edinburgh Festival Fringe

Dates 2-28 Aug (not 14)

Time 19:30

How would you raise your child, if you knew that one day their turn will come to hold a rifle?

How is it to grow up in a place where children are destined to be soldiers from the day they are born? The parents– all former soldiers themselves – know that one day, a liaison officer might knock on their door too.

credit: Chris Gardner

What was the inspiration for this performance?

Knock Knock started out as my MA project as an acting student at Mountview Academy of Theatre Arts in London, two years ago. I challenged myself with the following research topic: “How to create your own solo performance?”

And so I set off to explore this powerful theatrical medium – the Monodrama.

The heroine of Knock Knock started as a private joke between me and my best friend. This character, a typical “Jewish Mother”, popped up into our conversations, humorously commenting, complaining, lecturing or just sharing her point of view of the world, which always revolved around raising her beloved only son.

Those little “monologues” slowly accumulated into a colorful life story, until one day, one of them revealed what I like to call “an open wound” at its core. At that moment, I knew that this story has earned its right to be told on stage.

The reality of living in Israel is extremely polar, at least as I experience it. In a nut shell, you need to be a highly skilled “emotional acrobat”, and safely “hop” between birthdays and funerals. Metaphorically, of course.

But also not. The dichotomy of this reality, in which life and death are inextricably intertwined in everyday life, has been at the heart of my motivation when creating Knock Knock. The army is part of your life in so many ways that you don’t even realize it until you step out of it for a while.

My show celebrates life, joy, love and sacrifice, and salutes mothers, wherever they are in the world.

Is performance still a good space for

credit: Chris Gardner

the public discussion of ideas?

Yes, I certainly believe so. Recently, I went to see a show in London that dealt with terror and its implications on our society and laws system. People couldn’t stop talking about the themes and expressing their opinions during the interval and after the show. A good performance, in my opinion, doesn’t “tell you what to think”, but raises questions, open discussions and makes you reassess your views and opinions. That’s how a change can be made. In my view, provocative performances are more likely to create revulsion and fortification in one’s original opinions, rather than a change.

How did you become interested in making performance?

One of the courses in the first year of acting at The Performing Arts Studio Yoram Leowinstein, Tel-Aviv, where I trained, was all about creating your own piece, with the view of developing yourself as an artist, and generating work for yourself.

This is where I first started to write and create short theatre pieces. I didn’t get to do enough of it after I graduated, maybe because I was lucky to almost constantly be working as an actor. But the writing “bug” was probably “incubating” in me, because when I moved to the UK and did my MA in Performance at Mountview, I realized how powerful expressing your own inner voice can be.

You learn so much about yourself – you develop your skills, you get to meet your profession from different angles, you broaden your network, and, of course, you create job opportunities for yourself.

My Alexander Technique tutor in Mountview, Louisa Gnafkis, asked me during one of our sessions: “How do you want a new breath to come in, if you don’t allow the previous one to fully go out first? And that applies to a lot of other things in life.” And indeed, delivering your inner voice into the world, allows new voices to emerge within you, so I am sure I will continue to write alongside acting.

Is there any particular approach to the making of the show?

Yes. As part of my research about solo-performances and monodramas, I came across many tools and approaches to the one-man-show.

While creating Knock Knock, I put focus on three major elements: (1) minimalism – you can see that in the set, the costume, the reuse of the same props for different purposes and the lack of sound effects. (2) One character on stage – I do not portray the other characters of the play, but I evoke their existence to a level the audience can sense their presence. (3) Integrating physical theatre – between the scenes there are abstract movement sequences that provoke thoughts and feelings around the play’s themes, and provides answers and more questions.

credit: Chris Gardner

Does the show fit with your usual productions?

I usually integrate physical movement aspects into my works. Even when I am playing in what we call a “straight” play.

What do you hope that the audience will experience?

I hope that the audience will see in their minds all the characters in my play. I hope

they will complete the picture using their own life experiences and find their connection with the story and its messages. I hope they will laugh and be intrigued, maybe enlightened. I hope they will be moved. Maybe even cry. But mainly, think and question and debate and then talk about it with others.

What strategies did you consider towards shaping this audience experience?

Through the writing and the directing, I “plant” many hints and clues for the audience to envisage the characters of the play. How they look like, how do they sound, what do they do. I left a lot of questions unanswered, but at the same time provided a lot of information.

I strictly didn’t take any political side, and focused on the human aspect and the social effects, to allow the audience to debate and develop their views about the themes.

As a liaison officer for the army, Ilana, a single mother, supports families who’ve lost their sons and daughters to the wars. But when the time comes for her own only son to wear the army uniform, she faces a life-changing dilemma.

Niv Petel weaves a vivid and detailed familial relationship in Knock Knock, an immersive physical mono-drama about the effects of National Service on everyday life.

credit: Chris Gardner

Inspired by real life situations, and with a lot of humour, Knock Knock cuts through the thick curtain of politics to tell a story about parenthood, friendship, love and sacrifice.

After a successful run at the Etcetera Theatre London in 2016, and a special performance at the 30th Anniversary JFest Jewish International Season in Leeds, Knock Knock comes to Edinburgh.

Niv Petel originally trained in Israel, working in theatre, TV and voiceovers, and winning the award for Best Actor in Theatre for Youth and Children, 2014, for his role in the one-man show Snowball. UK credits include: NotMoses (Arts Theatre); Red Riding Hood (Hoxton Hall); and he is currently in La Strada (UK tour and West End season).

Artistic advisor, Maia Levy, is an Israeli actor and dramaturg, currently touring with two one-woman shows The Longest Week In Moran’s Life and Fish In The Net.

Set and costume design is by Rhiannon White who has previously designed for Walk the Plank and Liverpool Open Culture. Lighting design is by Association of Lighting Designers award-winner Oliver Bush who has worked around the country lighting aerial circus, musicals, dance and theatre.

Most recently he designed Giant! The Liverbird Song and John & Jen. Future projects include, Life On Wheels by Bella Kinetica, and The Ruby Slippers.

Ticket prices £8.50-£10.50 / concessions £6.50-£8.50 C venues box office 0845 260 1234 / www.CtheFestival.com Fringe box office 0131 226 0000 / www.edfringe.com

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sanguinarysanguinity · 7 years

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The Hound of the Baskervilles (2011, Big Finish), Nicholas Briggs & Richard Earl

tl;dr above the cut: Sanguinity is cranky because they cut every Holmes-Watson shenanigan in the name of “authenticity.”

I admit, I went into this feeling testy, because in the commentary tracks of the previous Big Finish audios, people had been bragging about how this is the “most authentic” adaptation of HOUN ever.

(Just so you know, “authentic” is one of those poorly-examined words that gets me like nails on a chalkboard. It’s always used for gatekeeping, and in a way that I typically find grossly disingenuous. To badly paraphrase Robert Frost, if someone is building a wall, I’d ask to know why we need a wall, what standing they have to build the wall — is it even your property, dude? — what they are walling in our out, and to whom they are like to give offense. Frustratingly, “authentic” strongly discourages asking those questions: it obscures the actual criteria behind the judgement, and further implies that the judgement is objective, universal, and inherently valuable. Even worse, when I dig into the criteria hidden behind a given use of “authentic,” it often becomes apparent that none of those implied virtues are actually present.)

Anyway, the more they talked about “authenticity” in their commentaries, the crankier I got:

Commentator: No adaptation of HOUN has ever done it straight— Me: Really? I don’t remember either of the Coules adapts taking any liberties with the plot, deductions, or characterizations. Lenfilm was so respectful of the original details as to put ACTUAL phosphorous paint on an ACTUAL dog, and Granada trailed only a little behind Lenfilm in accuracy— Commentator: They always add stuff like seances— Me: Okay, Roxburgh went far afield, but that’s a weird detail to seize on if you’re going criticize Roxburgh for taking liberties. And who else did a seance? Was there a seance in Rathbone or something? Commentator: —or having Stapleton drown in the Mire— Me: Oh, c’mon, that’s the authenticity hill you want to die on? Are you kidding me? Stapleton EXPLICITLY drowning vs Stapleton IMPLICITLY drowning?? Because if that’s where you’re going to set the bar, you’re going to have a tough time clearing it. Commentator: —and most productions cut a bunch of stuff, such as Laura Lyons. Me: All right, that’s a fair cop. She gets cut a lot, and even when she stays in, many productions aren’t super-clear on what to do with her. But what is so critically important about including Laura Lyons?

Eventually, however, they said enough that it became clear that “authentic” meant “lots of narration by Watson.”

I’ve run into this idea before: Watson-narration is a thing in the history of radio Holmes. (Bert Coules apparently had to fight the BBC higher-ups on their insistence that Holmesian audioplays must necessarily include Watson voiceovers. It took half of canon to do it, but Coules eventually started winning those fights, which is why the later Merrison/Williams plays don’t have voiceovers.) I personally am not a believer in the necessity of a Watson voiceover; in fact, I think it often weakens the production overall. In grossest terms, if a single actor is telling us what’s going on, then the production-as-a-whole is failing to show us. An audioplay is a different medium than an audiobook: play to the strengths of your chosen medium, and let us hear the action and emotions! Furthermore, there’s the issue of information flow: it simply requires more time to describe an action than to let us hear it unfold, just as it takes longer to describe emotions than to let us hear them in the actors’ deliveries. The more you employ narration, the less net information you can convey. Narration is a bottleneck, and there are relatively few situations in which it makes the overall story flow more smoothly.

So, you know, I was already feeling testy about the production's conceptual framework before I hit play. But I did try to put my testiness aside and give it a fair listen: appearances to the contrary, I don’t actually enjoy being a crankypants very much.

Altogether, I think it was pushing definitions to call this an audioplay; it is more accurately an abridged audiobook with multiple readers and liberal sound effects. By which I mean, every single line, whether narration or dialog, is a line that Doyle himself wrote. Furthermore, at no point are we allowed to simply hear what’s going on; instead, we are always told everything via narration. We are never allowed to hear a gunshot and infer that someone has shot a gun; Watson scrupulously always takes a few seconds to tell us that the gunshot we just heard was… someone shooting a gun.

Now, I don’t have a problem per se with using Doyle’s words — he wrote some fine words! — but it’s as I said above: if you’re going to rely on narration to convey everything, then the information-flow is choked down to the rate of human speech. Their over-reliance on narration meant they had to cut ruthlessly to trim the six-to-seven hours it takes to read HOUN aloud down to the targeted two hours for their audioplay.

Meanwhile, please remember that they were priding themselves on “not leaving anything out.”

How does that work, exactly?

This is how it works: they cut nearly every single character note.

Holmes watching Watson in the teapot, gone. Most of the walking-stick scene, gone. (Conductor of light stayed, but nearly everything around it was missing.) The skull coveting, the snit about M. Bertillon, the rising back-and-forth to the punchline about whose footprints, all gone. The poisonous atmosphere of tobacco smoke Holmes created at Baker Street; the idea that he’d think better in a box; the line that if Watson will tolerate Holmes’ company then Holmes is satisfied with Watson’s; Sir Henry’s declaration that nothing will keep him from the home of his people; the entire scene with the cabbie; Holmes worrying about Watson’s safety in Devonshire… Nearly everything that is charming, comic, or for which I have affection: all of it gone.

(On the upside, they also cut all of Sir Henry’s gawdawful “Americanisms” — so that’s something? I guess?)

I do understand, of course, that any two-hour rendering of HOUN has to pick and choose — I’ve yet to see/hear one that includes every character element I listed above! And yet most still find time to include some of them. To my mind, it’s a very strange definition of “authenticity” that excludes every point of characterization, humor, and character interplay.

(And yet hey found time to describe Sir Henry’s nostrils. By all means, let’s keep the valorous nostrils!)

Altogether, it made for a very flat rendering of HOUN, especially in the beginning, when the humor is the main thing going. It got better after they got to Dartmoor and started describing the fog and the atmospheric gorse bushes, but there were still some strange pacing issues: for example, Watson’s sighting of the ~mysterious figure~ on the tor went by so quickly that I nearly missed it. Which is a shame, for a production that lays so much emphasis on Doyle’s actual words: I do enjoy Watson’s over-the-top turns of phrase in describing that figure.

(Also gone, and which I missed hugely: Watson skillfully distracting Mortimer with a convo about skulls, and Watson later playing Frankland by feigning non-interest in his information. Worse, they had Watson be flat-out eager for Frankland’s info. If you’re going to pride yourself on sticking to Doyle’s actual words, you could at least abridge them in a way that’s character-accurate.)

Given what-all they chose to cut, I was curious as to how they would handle Holmes’ and Watson’s reunion. As it turned out, they kept “you use me but you do not trust me,” and changed the line about the letters from an expression of frustration (“All my reports wasted!”) to a non-judgemental question (“Were all my reports wasted?”) Every other personal part of the reunion was left out: Holmes teasing Watson about how it’s a lovely evening outside, the bit about recognizing Watson by his cigarette brand… Everything that suggests any kind of connection between them, easy or difficult, all gone.

As I said: it’s a very flat HOUN. You better be here for the monster dog, because there’s literally nothing else happening.

And while we’re discussing the weak points of the adaptation, I found the sound effects distracting: they didn’t supply additional information, and many times the effects were subtly wrong. (Every footstep on Dartmoor was apparently taken on gravel, no matter the actual terrain. Also, it was always ONE person walking on gravel, even if the scene was two people walking together.) I admit that I might be spoiled by ‘proper’ audioplays here, ones that use the sound effects to communicate novel information to the listener. I found it hugely distracting that there were all these noises that were both extraneous and misleading.

Now, all that said! Earl was a very fine Watson, and I find Briggs’ voice as Holmes fascinating. (I can’t decide what makes me lean forward to listen better every time he speaks, and yet I do.) And they did a lovely job making the Hound ominous, the final show-down exciting, etc. And of course, the investigatory through-line was as complete as I’ve ever heard/seen it. (As advertised, they did not cut Laura Lyons!)

But again: to my mind, it’s a very strange notion of “authenticity” that leaves out nearly every evidence of the Holmes-Watson friendship.

Or to put it another way, I like what I like, and what I like are all the odd little Holmes and Watson shenanigans. (Holmes can recognize Watson by his cigarette stubs, but not by his footprints!) All that was gone, sadly, and I think the production suffered for it.

#moreholmes #hound of the baskervilles #HOUN #sang watches HOUN #long post

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