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#and so deeply unloved
bestworstcase · 26 days
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I have a question about some of your Salem thoughts
If Salem is 110% certain that she can take down the Gods (assuming that's her goal since we don't actually know), why wouldn't she communicate her plan to Oz? Especially if she truly doesn't want anyone to die like you say. Oz would jump at the bit if Salem said "Hey I want to stop fighting" since that would mean their shadow war would stop. I really don't think Oz likes the Gods either, and even if he's afraid of them, if *Salem* is that confident she can stop them (she's far from an idiot), I'm sure he'd at least hear her out (which would tell Salem a LOT).
If she's that confident and truly doesn't want to fight, why wouldn't she tell Oz her new plan? And why would she kickstart her plan by attacking the kingdoms/Academies? Surely she could find a way to steal the Relics without flat out attacking them (like sending in double agents to take the Maiden powers)? Like... she would've known she'd get people killed, including children and innocent people. Even if she did damage control (which I think is just strategic, why bother going after people if she's focusing on the Relics? She's not gonna waste precious time and resources), she surely knew people would get caught in the crossfire.
Don't get me wrong, I like what you bring to the table!! Your posts are thought provoking and unique. But I can't see Salem being somehow secretly good. I don't think the show is setting her up that way, and I think she's a fantastic villain, so from my own perspective, doing that kind of twist would be a disservice to her character. I don't think she's inhuman or a complete and total monster who should go, but she's definitely not a good person especially if she can't communicate that she supposedly doesn't want people dead. She seems to be an "the ends justify the means" kind of person, and the show I think has stated that that isn't a good mindset i.e. Ironwood.
Sorry, I rambled and completely strayed from my point 😅 I don't mean to be mean if I come across that way. I hope my ask is interesting or thought provoking though :P
my position is that salem is right, not that she’s secretly good—that is an important distinction. i think she sees the gods clearly for what they are, thinks the divine ultimatum repulsive and unjust, wants remnant to be free, and believes that humanity is transcendent over their creators; she also, quite plainly, does not have any compunction about doing whatever it takes to achieve her ends and while i do think she is still fully capable of and driven by love, she is so TERRIFIED of being hurt again and so CERTAIN that no one could ever care for her that when she does care for someone else it comes out in very, very twisted and often cruel ways. she’s not good, she’s not nice, she’s just right.
equally the heroes are good but not right, because they have yet to really grapple with the premise of the divine mandate (that humanity as it exists right now does not deserve to exist) or their own role in upholding it (their immediate goal is survival, but when they envision the ending of this war they imagine salem driven back and the relics squirreled away again in hope of at best everlasting stalemate). the point of structuring the narrative this way is that neither side can get to the proverbial good ending alone; they need to work together, salem’s ends with the heroes’ means.
like. she’s evil. lol. that’s not in question and i think it goes without saying that she is doing evil things so i don’t feel the need to make a “but she’s still evil though” disclaimer every time i try to tease out what’s going on in her head. notice how my reaction to salem razing vale was OH GLINDA LAYS SIEGE TO THE EMERALD CITY, WE’RE REALLY IN IT NOW and not, like, shock or dismay that salem would do such a terrible thing. brgdfjs
(i DO think she has mostly been trying to avoid ozma and not reciprocating the shadow crusade against her prior to about fourteen years ago and that she isn’t about wanton destruction or killing for the sake of it; and in that sense i think she’s not as bad as the general fanon reading. but that comes with the territory of thinking she has actual reasons for doing what she does as opposed to being, like, a genocidal lunatic.)
anyway. to your questions. the short answer is she’s just as scared of oz as he is of her.
“but he’s the good one!”—think about this from her perspective for a minute. set aside your opinion of her and oz, presuppose for the moment that i’m correct on her motivations, and consider what everything ozma’s done in the last few thousand years looks like to her.
she knows that the gods were monsters. she witnessed them slaughtering the whole world and she saw how little it mattered to them after. she was alone for millions of years, and then hated and feared for thousands of years because she didn’t look human. all that suffering because the gods are punishing her for praying to them. yes?
then ozma returns to her, somehow. he doesn’t explain how or why—maybe he tells her he just doesn’t know—but that’s alright. what matters is that he’s here. he asks what happened to her, and she tells him the truth: the gods ended the world. cursed her. killed everyone. she was alone for so long. (maybe not the whole truth: there are things she’s afraid to say, because the gods did it all to punish her, and it’s her fault, and she’s so scared that he’d despise her if he knew everything. the only reason for her to fear ozma would reject her is if she blamed herself. you don’t hide things out of shame if you don’t feel ashamed of them.)
they learn each other again. fall in love all over again. things are finally okay. they fix up her house. they’re happy together. one day ozma tells her that he’s worried about how divided people are. she wants so badly to make him happy; she would move mountains for him. salem herself has no interest in ruling over people as a god—if she did, she wouldn’t have been living alone in a rotting shack in the middle of nowhere—all that enthusiasm is for him. to support what he wants.
they build a following, found a prosperous kingdom, start a family. four children! how long do you think they were married—ten years? twenty? and the whole time, the whole time, ozma was keeping these secrets from her. that the god of light, who’d condemned her to eternal suffering for praying to his brother, who’d shown utter indifference to the deaths of millions, had sent him back to redeem humanity FROM HER SINS, from what SALEM did. that the point of all this is cleansing humankind of her defiance and inviting THAT MONSTER to remnant to judge whether this world deserved to be subjugated under the brothers’ tyranny again or else be put to death.
imagine how she must have felt when ozma finally told her the truth, knowing that the first thing she told him was that the gods ended the last one. imagine the sickening realization that their whole marriage is built on a lie, because she would never, ever, ever have agreed to help him unite the world if she had known what he sought to unite them for, and ozma knew she never would. that he deceived her! manipulated her into serving the will of a god she knows to be a monster!
and even then—even to the very end—she loved him enough to try. she was willing to forgive all of that and figure out a way to move past it together, and the only thing she asked was that he walk away from his task of submitting this world to the judgment of THAT MONSTER. and he wouldn’t do it.
there’s a gap we don’t get to see, in between ozma backing away from her and salem catching him leaving with the girls, but we can infer that ozma walked out of that room and salem didn’t. imagine how she felt. ten years, twenty years, however long it was, and he was lying to her through it all, and he left her with hardly a moment’s hesitation when she refused to help him enact THAT MONSTER’S retribution against herself. because that is, ultimately, what this is all about; humanity is found guilty by association with her.
imagine how she felt. used. worthless. duped. like a fool for ever trusting him. did he ever love her at all, or was that a lie, too?
when she caught him in the hallway later that night, they both attack each other in the same instant. ozma remembers her attacking him first, but their volleys meet in perfect symmetry and right before salem throws her first bolt of magic, her eyes flicker down in surprise as she tracks the motion of his staff (which we see in the previous shot)—salem remembers him attacking her first.
because they were both so tense and scared and angry at each other that they snapped in exactly the same moment.
their battle is so intense they blow up the castle, and when the smoke clears, salem is a pile of ash. ash! he incinerated her! imagine how enraged you have to be to burn someone to ash. that level of fury, of absolute hatred of her, is literally burnt into her memory as the last thing he did to her before she managed to kill him, inextricably twisted around the guilt and unbearable grief she feels for her children.
he’s dedicated all but a handful of his lives since then to getting rid of her. finding a way to destroy her. (how far is he willing to go? what would happen if salem tried to move on, find community and solace somewhere far away from him? would he come after her? would he follow his god’s example and go after the people she cared about to punish her? is she willing to risk that he might?)
do you think salem understands why ozma did any of this? she doesn’t. she doesn’t get the luxury we do of jinn narrating his side of the story and showing us the anguish he felt, wanting so desperately to be with salem but eaten alive by terror of dooming the world for his happiness. she doesn’t know.
all she knows is how he treated her: the secrets, the deception, the manipulation, the immediate and absolute rejection when she told him no, the explosively violent anger at the end, then centuries upon centuries systematically erasing her from history and enforcing her exile whilst searching for the relics he needs to summon his god for the final judgment. which she knows will inevitably end in the annihilation of the whole world and yet more torture for her with no hope of reprieve, because if all of this was not enough to satisfy the god of light’s grudge against her for, again, just praying to his brother, nothing ever will.
salem feels about ozma now the way blake felt about adam. why did he lie to her, why did he use her, why does he keep coming back, why won’t he just LEAVE HER ALONE, hasn’t she suffered enough, hasn’t she been punished enough, when will it be enough—and intertwined with that, she is being EATEN ALIVE by the conviction that no one could ever truly care about her or feel for her or want to help her or think that she deserves help or even just see her as a person, because if ozma—ozma, the one who saved her from her father’s tower, who knew her and loved her before all of this happened—if ozma thought her so worthless that he would rather serve a god who ended the last world and promises to condemn this one too than suffer her to exist at all in this world, why the fuck would anyone else be any different?
thousands of years later, she still flies off the handle when anyone lies to her. (except cinder. but cinder is always the exception, to every rule.) there’s a reason she recruits the kind of people she does—desperate, broken, angry people starving for something she can promise to give them if they make themselves useful to her—and it’s because she does not believe that she can get anything better than strictly transactional relationships with people who have literally nothing and nowhere else to turn. and when she actually cares about someone? she fights herself tooth and claw over it because she desperately doesn’t want to open herself up to more heartbreak. look at how erratic and cruel she is with cinder.
it’s not rational. salem is smart and very, very tactically shrewd but she is making all of her plans and all of her choices from the assumption that she is and will always be alone in this, because she is unlovable, because she is worthless, because she is the reason this world is damned. and she’s terrified of ozma because to her everything he does suggests that his conviction and dedication to the god of light has never wavered. she cannot see his doubt. she cannot see his misery. she cannot see how much he misses her and desperately wants to make amends. all she can see is that he’s zealously guarding the relics and spreading his god’s word and training children to fight and die in the name of keeping her exiled.
why doesn’t ozma just go to her and tell her he wants to make amends? because he’s terrified she’ll never forgive him and terrified that he’ll damn the world to annihilation if he follows his heart. they’re the same. they’re exactly the same.
but this is also what makes it so possible—even easy—for salem to undergo a villain-to-hero arc, because the only thing that needs to happen is a spark of real hope. that someone, anyone, could really care about her. like. the things she says in her soliloquies about the transformative power of hope? “even the smallest spark of hope is enough to ignite change,” and “it’s true that a simple spark can ignite hope, breathe fire into the hearts of the weary…”—that’s her. one small reason to hope. that is all she needs to change.
she doesn’t want to be razing kingdoms to the ground or cutting a bloody path through children to get those relics. she is willing to do it because she truly, genuinely, from the depths of her soul believes that it’s the only way to free herself from the torture she’s been subjected to for millions of years. she’s driven to this by desperation. she won’t keep doing it if she’s given a reason to feel less desperate.
but she does need to be given a reason, first. she’s hemorrhaging. this is why the winnowing of her inner circle and the split between everyone else in vacuo versus salem + cinder + summer in vale is important; Those Two are the ones she cares about—technically we don’t know for sure regarding summer yet, but the level of trust she has for the lieutenant holding beacon is suggestive—and that being reciprocated is what ignites her hope.
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mrcspectr · 10 months
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I miss Marc Spector. :(
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perdidosbucky-yyo · 3 months
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I need biker bucky... Like fuck I need him.
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harrowedsoup · 11 months
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There is just something about that fact that Gideon is convinced that the best thing she can do is to kill until she dies. That the ultimate gift she can give is her death.
But there has always been someone that wanted her to live. From the moment she was born Pyrrha wanted her as a daughter. Aiglamene took her as a child to train her and was so angry that she’d been killed so young. Harrow, who has such pride in her mind and skills, lobotomized herself just to try and keep Gideon alive in the loosest sense of the word.
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quinn-types · 1 year
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Having cacophonous thoughts over Alhaitham seeing a group of people closest to him and assumes they're badmouthing him. I can't help but think about how it speaks volumes in regards to any past relationships he's had.
Not to mention Kaveh the Contrarian™ immediately dismissing that notion. Its also fascinating to me how Kaveh is so quick to insult Alhaitham but only to his face, like I get the sense he's fully prepared to physically fight Alhaitham but the latter seemingly never rises to the bait. And sure Kaveh complains to Cyno and Tighnari but in the same breath he is also explaining Alhaitham's idiosyncrasies to people who are asking in good faith.
To bring it full circle I get the sense that Kaveh has been trying to get Alhaitham set up with some friends and specifically with friends who will treat him well. Because Alhaitham "Everything is Connected and I will find the Weakest Link and Break it" is, quite fittingly, struggling to form any meaningful connections himself. Like I'm sure Alhaitham knows a lot of people and interacts with some of them on a regular basis but I don't think he's gone further than acquaintances for most of his life.
So thank the archons for Kaveh the Contrarian™ who took one look at this stubborn weirdo, saw past the "humble, feeble scholar" facade, as though Alhaitham were a chuunibyou 13 year old and not a full grown man capable of overthrowing the government, and thought "Maybe I can fix him?" Only to spend possibly the next few years getting to know him and changing that thought process to "I want to study this beautiful bastard's brain chemistry so badly but I must settle for watching him react to Situations because he's letting me sleep on his couch and raid his fridge for free so I can't justify killing him for science yet."
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brandycranby · 1 year
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ransom isn't peaceful in sleep. he kicks, he snorts, his hands go wandering under your nightshirt, seeking the comforting give of your flesh.
but you look and you run a finger along the high ridge of his brow. ghosting down his nose whisper soft. down the strong bump that protudes halfway, over and under the sharp tip that makes him look stern and fierce.
trace, trace
the bow of his lips that kiss you good-morning and good-night. along his freckly jaw relaxed and unclenched. up to his ear, following the elegant helix, brushing the shell.
trace, trace
up again. thumbing the soft skin of his under eyes. teasing span of his lashes until they flutter-flutter open to reveal, oh. those sea glass eyes. you smile, beatific. he grumbles, sleepy, preening under your adoring kiss.
no. he isnt peaceful, not by a long shot.
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masterlist
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crimeronan · 7 months
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devin and nova are rapidly and unexpectedly becoming the comic relief of this draft theyre Perfect. incredible relationship 10/10 no notes. two people who have been trapped in a loveless marriage for 20 years raising a baby together except the baby is just a city that fucking sucks. nova irritably being like "hey baby, love of my life, can you stop committing domestic terrorism for like 2 seconds. the stress makes my lupus flare up and i have to look pretty today" & devin, who is actively puking from a migraine caused by the autoimmune flare induced by the domestic terrorism, is just like "GOOD. I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY YOUR LUPUS IS FLARING."
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my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and
#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls#girl#and i was so tired#am so tired#i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't#i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne#i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭#just. kya batau main#i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i#liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest#i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic#everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much#draining and destroys my peace and then they leave#it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship#whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night#every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on#pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking#into a million tiny pieces everytime#i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the#sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's#she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of#i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her#but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna#die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i#need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy#does that make sense#okay bye i should really start writing a diary
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lazarusstumbles · 25 days
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My plans re: romance were rooted in the knowledge that nobody would ever want to date me or ask me out so like I planned to be single at least until university, where I’d vaguely kiss and maybe hook up with a few people, then move on to adult life wherein I’d maybe get into a handful of shitty relationships before eventually settling down with a guy that’s pleasant to live with (we would have separate bedrooms & separate love lives + be more cordial roommates than anything) and is as uninterested in me as I am him but we both need the marriage for the benefits & to get our families off our backs & we both claim to be infertile and only see each other weekly or so. So that kept in mind I am doing amazing in the romance department rn
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hecksupremechips · 3 months
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Kinda amazing that if you made Shrek a woman the movie would be exactly the same
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borntochasethewind · 3 months
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I don’t know what is worse
loving someone an ocean away,
who doesn’t want a relationship, but is the kindest, sweetest soul you’ve ever met
or loving someone close,
but they don’t want to love you the right way.
This empty hole in my chest throbs at the thought.
I left the man who couldn’t change,
But he took parts of me.
Now the man I fell for across the sea
is dating someone else.
But still wants me to be his best friend
that he flirts with on the side.
Am i not worth being loved the way i need to be?
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bewby · 1 year
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the urge to be seen so badly but also terrified of being perceived because you're always on edge because you are so convinced everyone will turn around to reject you anyway ALL The time because you're inherently annoying and unlikable 👍🏻👍🏻 i hate living like this i hate being so afraid of being judged for everything i hate knowing people see me but i also want to be seen so badly because i want friends and i want to be happy and not lonely. my brain is aboutto fucking explode oh my God
#everytime i see people i find cool i just am like. you would never truly deeply like me. and maybe that's ok but i wish i could be someone#who's smart and witty and cool too but i'm not i'm just a people pleaser and i have no personality of my own because all my life i just#used up all my time to escape my parents bullshit which explains the chronically online-ism. i'm fucking EMBARASSED about my entire existenc#i know life comes with like rejection and people will not always like you but how do i deal with that and how do i deal with these#conflicting feelings of like. wanting to be seen but also terrified of it. jdshshhs#there's so many layers to this i recognize how alot of this wanting to be seen stuff is because of my ex too because he had a crush on me#without us even knowing eachother personally like he liked me for just existing and then he loved me like. unconditionally even After he#got to me know alot and it's like. i can't fucking believe that that is even possible with someone like me and i'm 100% sure he just had a#savior complex like yes he loved me and he loved me despite that savior complex but like. i think people can only like me because they feel#bad for me. they don't actually like me as in like. who i am. what i like what i post about#i know i have friends on here who like me but i know all of you wouldn't like me if you talked to me more because i just .#think that i'm deeply unlovable and it's so bad to say that especially because i blame myself for struggling with bpd and adhd and like#i can be liked despite being likr this. despite being mentally ill obvioisly i love my friends and they're all mentally ill#but i feel like i'm a different case because i just feel like i'm so lost and i have nothing special about myself HDJDVSVSBJYY#okay. i'll stop i'm so fucking sad
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boyghcst · 8 months
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it feels mean when u realise tht certain ppl just aren’t adding anything positive to ur life, n tht they just make u feel anxious, on edge, confused and under appreciated… but i feel like im starting to listen to my gut to whose presence makes me feel safe, heard, loved and appreciated
#i don’t rlly wanna be friends w ppl who make me feel needy and annoying and unloved#not saying tht i should rely on others to make me feel happy or whatever#but there are ppl in my life where i don’t feel this uncertainty and discomfort#one of the friends deeply hurt my feelings and I cut them out for a while and then we became ‘friends’ again#bc i did miss having them in my life and it was v intense#but i also feel like im not rlly interested in being close w them anymore#like tht hurt never went away#n now i don’t rlly feel like i rlly care abt them tbh#despite the fact we’re supposed to be friends#i think i lost respect and compassion for them lol i don’t view them the same way as i used to#and the other friend were not close to begin w they’re friends w the friend i fell out w#but they make me feel anxious and don’t seem interested in acc being friends w me#but message my friend tht i introduced to them a lot so idk#they kinda give fake energy tbh and i don’t rlly feel comfortable being around them#which is fine bc we don’t hang out anyway lmao#but sometimes they’ll pop up on stories ive posted#n i feel like i just gotta fake it#i cba communicating it bc it always leads to conflict#so im probs just gonna let it drift#i do feel like i have a habit of wanting to cut friends out tho#bc i feel 50/50 w ppl a lot#some ppl i feel a safe connection w#others leave me feeling confused and on edge#so i think my gut is tryna tell me tht im just not comfortable#and when i spoke to a therapist ages ago abt this they told me to listen to my gut and be wary of who I’m friends w#but bc i also have abandonment issues etc I never know whether I’m being too sensitive and my trauma is driving the wheel#or whether deep down this is how i feel#it’s hard to trust ur gut when ur traumatised bc it can be rlly wrong#journal
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popop-maru · 4 months
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#dont read this shit lmao it sucks#that christmas feeling when you realize that one or two good days doesnr break you out of the suicidal funk youve been in for months.#and you realize you really have no accomplishments and nothing in life to be proud of or look forward to.#and you realize you are really a fundamentally unlovable person who has wasted over 20 years of life that others have used to build familied#and you realize it will always be this way because something inside you is just fundamentally broken and undesirable and just.#just useless and completely unneeded by people and by the world at large and that youll never have the life you wanted#you just dont have the tools or the mental fortitude to start over and create the life you wanted for yourself and you never will#and all you have are temporary comforts that have no lasting impact on the world or even on your own life as a whole#and that you are basically just a parasite wasting space and wasting time until you finally die because nobody will ever truly want/need you#even if I got a job today thats really all im doing with my life. just waiting and wasting time and trying to make it more comfortable.#until i finally die and look back and realize thats all I ever did and i didnt even deserve that.#sorry but I feel like I just need to scream into the void even tho I hate being like this online.#but everyone i know has other bigger problems and they dont need to hear this so im just yelling at computer#i just want to be happy and feel fulfilled!! i just want to be loved!! but i am born incapable of these feelings bc i was just.#made wrong#or i made myself this way idk#but something went deeply wrong with my life and Im just stalling until its finally over#bc Im too scared to just end it myself no matter how much i fantasize about it.#this isnt a cry for help or anything I just feel like I need to say it and feel seen before I explode.#anyway I really deeply hate myself and I feel I am fundamentally not human and not deserving of my life#but i still hope maybe you wont unfollow bc maybe this stupid blog made uou smile once#and that maybe that makes you feel a connection idk. thats all i can do. thats all im capable of.#suicidal tw
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simonstamenovic · 5 months
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mb not on this blog much today
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