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be11atrixthestrange · 3 years

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According To The Stars

Be11a writes Jily Fluff! Read here or on AO3

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According To The Stars

While working on Divination homework, James learns something new about Lily. Good thing Divination is a load of rubbish... or is it?

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James wasn't sure if he believed in Divination, or if it was just a load of rubbish. Honestly, one of the only reasons he was still taking the subject was the company — it was on Lily Evans' sixth-year timetable, and therefore his.

His friends had dropped the subject, and they made sure to take the mickey out of him when he signed back up.

"Divination, really James?"

"Why take that when you could have a free period?"

"Is it the subject matter that fascinates you, or is it a certain redhead?"

The questions were rhetorical, and his friends knew that. They were perfectly aware of James' motivation for sticking around in Divination, and they knew that he preferred they weren't there. Not many students continued beyond their O.W.L. year in the subject, and James was happy that Lily was the only other student he knew well. He could assure they would always be partnered up for projects, and he didn't have to worry about anyone swooping in and stealing her attention from him. Not Remus, Sirius, Peter, or worst of all, Snivellus.

James was procrastinating on his Divination essay in the Gryffindor common room when Lily approached him.

"Have you started?" she asked.

"Not yet, I was waiting for you. I was hoping you could help."

"You're smart, you'll figure it out," she said as she took a seat at the table beside him. "It's just a birth chart, anyway."

Just a birth chart. The problem wasn't that James thought birth charts were difficult to understand; it was that he hated the idea of them. The fact that the date, location, and time of his birth supposedly determined his fate really bothered him.

Earlier in class, they had mapped out their star signs, and their homework was to analyze them. He had been feeling a pit of dread all day, simply because he'd have to dive into all of the details of his future. He truly didn't want to know what the stars had to say about his life. In James' opinion, there was no point in knowing how or when he might die, who his future wife would be, how many kids he would have, or what he would do for an occupation. It sucked all of the excitement right out of life and stripped him of his autonomy. He wanted to believe that his choices mattered.

He knew he should take it all with a grain of salt because humans could never fully understand the truth of the stars. Predictions were wrong all the time, and there were always going to be flaws in human methods of telling the future.

But the mere idea that James' future was set in stone made him deeply uncomfortable. Like his friends, he could simply choose not to believe in any of it, but the problem was that he sort of did.

He looked over to see that Lily had already started her essay and was scribbling furiously on her parchment. Reluctantly, he turned back to his own star chart and began writing too.

My name is James Potter, and I was born at 5:45 pm on Sunday, March 27th, 1960, in London, England.

This makes my Sun Sign Aries, my Moon Sign Aries, and my Ascendant Libra.

Sun Sign: Aries

The sun determines our ego, identity, and 'role' in life. It's the core of who we are. On my birthdate — Sunday, March 27th, 1960 — my Sun was in Aries.

I am fundamentally assertive, persistent, and courageous. Naturally competitive and fiercely independent, I push things forward with energy and enthusiasm. I am determined, and I persevere through anything.

James thought back to his time on the Quidditch Pitch, where he would do anything for a victory. He was a risk-taker with a deep desire to win, and that had landed him in the Hospital Wing more times than he'd care to admit. He was definitely independent — although he played Chaser on the Gryffindor team, he much preferred the solitary aspect of Seeker; when playing Chaser, his fellow teammates often badgered him for being a "Quaffle-Hog".

I need to learn to understand other people as complex wholes.

The analysis felt spot-on for James. People were like puzzles, and he enjoyed figuring them out. All-day, James had been riddled with curiosity about Lily's birth chart. He was planning to ask her about it tonight and was excited to get to know her on a deeper level.

I feel the need to distinguish myself from others.

James felt exposed by that one. He was a prankster; he enjoyed his popularity, and he often engaged in what others — mainly professors — would call "attention-seeking behavior." Touche, birth chart, he thought, as he carried on writing.

Moon Sign: Aries

The moon rules our emotions, moods, and feelings, reflecting our personalities when we're alone and comfortable. On my birthdate — Sunday, March 27th, 1960 — my Moon was in Aries.

My emotional self is independent, energetic, and enthusiastic. I have a tendency to feel inadequate and overcompensate just because failure is a possibility.

That one hurt a bit. James immediately felt defensive as he wrote it, but deep down, he knew it was true. As the only son of a well-known and successful family, failure was not an option. He was no stranger to pressure, and sometimes he overcompensated. He was a smart kid, but he often relied on his charm to build connections and network. He knew his smooth-talking could drive some people — mostly Lily — insane, but it was nothing more than a defense mechanism because he truly was terrified of failure.

I find security and safety through close relationships and long-term partnerships.

James held his friends close, and had no idea what he would do without them. He believed they would all be there for him for the rest of his life, and he couldn't entertain the idea that they might not. He would risk his life to protect his friends, and they'd do the same for him. According to his analysis, whether or not his overwhelming trust in others was a strength or a weakness was open to interpretation, and James chose to see it as a good thing. What was the point of life without friends, anyway? He smiled warmly at the thought and continued.

Ascendant: Libra

Our Ascendant is the "mask" we present to people. It can be seen in our personal style and our first impressions. Some say its relevance fades as we age. Our Ascendant is determined by our time of birth — I was born at 5:45 pm, meaning my Ascendant is Libra.

I come across as compromising, courteous, and impartial, though sometimes passive-aggressive.

For most people, he was a compromising and courteous individual, at least for people he liked. Unfortunately, passive-aggressive was a no-brainer as well. Some folks — particularly Snivellus — might say he was a bully. In detention, he'd received lectures about how pranking and cursing others was not the proper way to alleviate interpersonal issues. McGonagall never hesitated to tell him that a calm and rational discussion would be much more effective than a Levicorpus Charm. Admittedly, his methods could be considered passive-aggressive.

I am inclined towards balance.

James was a well-rounded fellow, that was for sure. He was an academic, an athlete, and he maintained a social life quite effortlessly. Balance truly was important to him. There was just one part missing from his ideal balance — a relationship. More specifically, a relationship with Lily.

In fact, that missing piece was one of the first things he looked for when he began his birth chart analysis. On a separate piece of parchment, he had scribbled down a few signs — Aquarius, Sagittarius, Leo, and Gemini. According to the stars, his ideal life partner's Sun, Moon, and Ascendant signs should fall into these categories. Part of him didn't want to know what Lily's chart said, and the rest of him needed to. It could all be rubbish, but maybe it wasn't.

"What are your signs, Lily?"

"Why do you want to know?" she asked.

"Research," he said.

"You want to know my fate?"

"You could say that," he responded. It was partially true — he wanted to know what the stars said about her life, but specifically her compatibility with him.

Lily sighed. "My Sun Sign is Aquarius."

James' stomach fluttered with excitement. Aquarius was one of his most compatible signs, so that was a good start. "And your Moon Sign?"

"Pisces."

He tried not to let the disappointment show on his face. Nowhere on his chart did it say he should look for someone with a Pisces Moon Sign. "What about your Ascendant?"

James froze in anticipation, hoping for Lily to say one of the four options. Two of three compatible signs would make them a decent match.

"Virgo."

His stomach sank. One out of three matching signs wasn't ideal. Sure, it could work, but it meant that Lily wouldn't be his perfect partner. If he were to believe the stars, there was someone else out there that was better suited to him, and he wasn't sure if he wanted that to be true.

"Are you okay?" asked Lily.

James tried his best to smile and mask his fallen expression. He was okay; he just really wished Lily's astrological signs were fully compatible with his, but he didn't feel like he could tell her that. At least not straight-up.

"Do you believe in all of this?" he asked instead.

"Divination?"

"Yeah, but more specifically, this birth chart stuff. Do you believe that this should determine your future? Your personality, your jobs, and who you should be with?"

"Who I should be with?" she asked, her eyes moving to his parchment. She was squinting, and James wondered if she was trying to read his chart. "What are your signs?"

He hesitated before answering. What if she really did believe in all of it, and learning how lukewarm their compatibility was just turned her away? He knew he couldn't get away without telling her, so he took a deep breath and responded. "Aries, Aries, Libra."

Lily didn't say anything at first, and the pit grew in James' stomach the longer she was quiet.

"Lily?" he asked after she'd been silent for a few seconds too long for comfort. "What do you believe?"

"Honestly?" she said. "I believe it's a load of rubbish. At least I hope it is. What about you?"

He felt a wave of relief at her words. "Good. I think it's rubbish too, and I hope we're right."

She smiled at him, and he grinned back, the heat rising to his cheeks. They turned to their essays and began writing again. There was a little bounce in their quills, a mark of the excitement between two teenagers who just — sort of — admitted something big.

James felt better knowing that whatever his birth chart said about his future, his choices did matter. Sure, the stars might have a plan for him, but if they didn't involve the cute Aquarius beside him, he'd happily choose not to believe any of it.

#jily fic #jily fanfiction #jily fluff #jily #hp fanfiction #hp fanfic #james and lily #James Potter #Lily Evans

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linkspooky · 5 years

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top 5 jujutsu kaisen characters 🥳

1. Gojou Satoru - I Am The Strongest

The most interesting thing about Gojou is how unique and overpowering a character Gojou is. I don’t just mean in the sense that he has physical strength, but that he’s also what they call a ‘force of personality’. Gojou is incredibly up front about who he is, and what he wants. He never hides a single thought in his head, he never is discreet, compromises to other people and backs off in any way. Gojou is the most self centered character in the manga.

What makes his character unique is that Gojou’s self-centeredness is not necessarily portrayed as a bad thing. It’s neither good nor bad, Gojou is allowed to be who he is by the narrative. Gojou is a selfish prick, but he’s also self determined. He is someone who knows what he wants and does everything to the best of his abilities to work for what he wants.

Gojou is so busy looking at the infinity other people might as well not exist. He’s someone who sees himself as fundamentally above other people. However, when you look past that in his actions you see that while Gojou has so much strength, he’s using almost all of that strength not for the sake of himself but others. What Gojou wants is a better world, and he’s mature enough to realize he can’t just get it by smashing everything with his own hands even if he’s powerful enough to do that.

You get the sense that Gojou while distant from others is still trying to understand their feelings, and communicate his own feelings in his own way.

2. Getou Suguru - You will obey me, you monkeys.

Getou is so interesting because all of the traits that have driven him to extremism are traditionally heroic traits. Getou is empathic, he’s incredibly considerate of others and wants to save them, he believes in justice. Getou humanizes the people that he personally gets to know so much, cares so deeply, that when he loses them it’s like one of his own organs gets ripped out. It’s the same as losing an arm or a leg.

It shows that individuals within the system are not necessarily the problem, because the reason Getou fell so far because he wanted to be human and care about human lives in a system like the Jujutsu sorcerers system that was so uttterly dehumanizing.

Getou’s so empathic if he were to see everyone as human his brain would just break. So, he divides the world into humans, people he can save, and monkeys who he no longer cares whether they live or die. If anything, Getou would be a better person if he was a little less kind, a little less caring. Gojou is actually much more mentally healthy because he’s less selfless than Getou is.

3. Kokichi Muta

In a series where every character is trying to get strong, Kokichi already has all the power he needs and he hates it. I like how he’s allowed to be ugly and genuinely resentful for his circumstances in life.

Nobody really empathizes with Mechamaru. Even Panda who might come close to understanding it, essentially tells him to just get over it and stop causing problems for others. It’s understandable why Mechamaru was driven into enough of a corner that he betrayed sorcery high school. Kokichi just can’t swallow down his resentment. He never wanted to be born, he never wanted to be a jujutsu sorcerer, but Jujutsu society uses him anyway, he’s not a puppeteer he’s more like a doll of an inherently broken system.

Yet, there’s something genuine in Kokichi. He really wants to love his friends and be able to stand on equal terms with them. Despite how much hatred he carries in his heart, he’s genuinely touched by just the smallest amount of kindness Miwa showed to him. At the end of the day what he feels is an inferiortiy and unworthiness.. He feels like he’s not good enough to stand with others because he was born this way, and feels like he needs to be fixed. When really Miwa would have accepted him for who he was all along and wanted to see the real him.

It’s another demonstration of how much a failure of empathy an drive these characters to desperate circumstances. What Kokichi needed wasn’t to be told to stop making a fuss, it was to be accepted for who he was, the ugly, the unpleasant and to have someone notice that even though he’s technically doing bad things Kokichi is also deep down still a suffering child.

4. Maki Zenin - “I would have hated myself”

Maki is fun because she was treated like a disposable extra for her family, and rather than craving acknowledgement from that family, or a place to belong she just went ‘Neat, I’m gonna burn down the whole family tree then.”

Maki’s ambitions, her resentment towards others, her desire to pursue strength are all things that are validated about her character. She is someone who gets to choose the way she wants to live, and is fighting against her entire family for that right even if it means she has to destroy that family in the end. Maki is allowed to be as self determined as Gojou.

At the same time though, Maki’s choice to put strength above all else does not make her a person who is only ever strong and never vulnerable because she would be just as flat as a character. Maki’s choice has consequences, because by choosing to live for her own personal strength she also doesn’t choose Mai the one person who ever genuinely saw her as family.

Their conflict reminds me a lot of Gamorra and Nebula which is one of my favorite conflicts of all time, because neither of their feelings are wrong. Maki is not wrong for wanting to choose her own survival. Mai is not wrong for feeling like her sister broke their promise and abandoned her. However at the same time their choices have consequences, Maki choosing herself means she can’t choose Mai and she’s sacrficing their connection. It’s one of the most beautifully illsutrated conflicts in the manga.

5. Nanami Kento - “Growing up is the accumulation of little despairs”

I like Nanami because he’s the one reasonable adult in a world of mad people? That doesn’t sound like much saying he’s ‘the guy with common sense’ but in his arc he gets a lot of depth to his personality.

Basically he wants to help other people, but he’s also mature enough to realize that helping others is going to be a net loss. That if he tries to help everyone the same way Itadori does, he’s going to lose over and over again. What’s so interesting about Nanami is he’s not so much someone completely selfless, as someone who is too decent of a person for his own good. Which causes him to continually choose to help others, not because he’s motivated by some great quest to save the world but because he can’t look away from trouble.

Nanami’s salaryman-like serious persona becomes more and more of an act as you dwell on his character. It’s like he’s putting on a show that he’s not as mad as everybody else, that he’s still reasonable in this world. It’s done mostly for his own sake because Nanami is striving to remain a good person, in a world he’s well aware is not so good. You get the sense that deep down he’s a much kinder person, but he always forces himself to be strict because he believes he has to.

#jjk meta #jujutsu kaisen #satoru gojou #itadori yuuji #suruga getou #satoru gojo #suruga geto #maki zenin #Nanami Keito #inumaqi #spooky speaks

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honeyrose-tea · 3 years

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this has been a strange start to the new year for sure. how are you doing? what did you think of the situation in the capitol? any thoughts or worries about the rest of the month? I'm curious to hear your thoughts on everything. -🌙

thank you so much for the ask💞 almost every day I check my inbox anticipating the next time I'll hear from you. just knowing that someone cares.... it really does a lot for my self-esteem. I don't have many friends right now and the few I do are very busy and have a lot of things they would rather do than talk to me. thank you for making time to listen to me and ask me how I'm doing. you wouldn't believe how many people don't. I haven't always been the most consistent presence for you and I'm sorry. I'm trying to do better and be less selfish because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. thank you for always being kind to me, pen pal.

there is a lot I want to say regarding the capitol and the situation in the country in general. as a social science student (and hopefully one day a professor!) these situations are of great academic interest to me. as a bisexual woman and an informed US citizen who cares about my rights I am also very personally vested in American issues. but first I would like to tackle your question regarding how I'm doing:)

I'm doing pretty good. classes have started back up but most of mine are online. I'm thinking of switching to online exclusively because of how much emotional (and sometimes physical) labor in-person classes are, and also for the sake of my health and my parents'. it's funny how so many things we did with ease before the pandemic seem so burdensome now. even small interactions are anxiety-inducing now, and I find myself having a hard time socializing even casually. like a muscle that has atrophied without use, my social skills are awful now. on a happier note, my productivity and creativity are both at all-time highs since social interactions aren't using up all my energy anymore. I brought my record player to my dorm room and I've been listening to a bunch of music, I've also been writing and recording some music of my own. I have a couple of demos and if you or anyone else is interested, I'll post them on here. once I record and edit full band versions I'll put them up on my soundcloud. I've tried sharing some of my stuff with some friends but none of them really care and I don't want to annoy them. besides, it's more for myself anyway. I wang to prove to myself that I can make music and that I can say something worth saying. a lot of my struggle over the past 6 months has been that I feel as though nothing I do or say can change anything, that none of my actions matter. I struggle a lot with control and I've been working on it for years, but it's still really hard for me. anyway. I'm enjoying class and what I do outside of it. I've been in my element living alone again (in my dorm) and feeling free to wear/do/say what I want, when I want. I wash my dishes and sing to myself and manage my time and drink lots of artificially sweetened and heavily flavored coffee without anyone around to judge me. and I get to cry and masturbate when I want, both of which are helpful in regulating my moods. I don't know. it's not like I'm doing anything exciting, but I am doing each thing I do well and with a happy heart. I feel like this portion of my life is something of a hibernation- the winter seasons combined with the pandemic have me in a cozy little daydream, reading and self-reflecting and getting back in tune with myself and my passions. I have a feeling that the spring and summer will be very vibrant bustling months so I am trying to enjoy my rest and soak in as much knowledge about myself and the world around me as I can. it's hard for me to live in the present and not get antsy (connected to control issues, I think) but I'm getting better at it. on the subject of the future, I've also been using this time to look into grad school and prepare for the GRE (a standardized test required for most grad school applications, similar to the ACT/SAT). I'm learning a lot that I didn't know since neither of my parents went further than undergrad, and I'm getting excited. I'm really looking forward to doing research. I've already been collecting some thesis ideas for an undergraduate-level thesis that I have to complete next year for the honors college, and hopefully I can turn that into a masters and/or PHD thesis when the time comes. now, on to more important matters than my silly little life.

I have very complicated feelings about america. I do have some attachment to some of the original ideas that are at the foundation- "bring me your huddled masses...", "all men are created equal", the general spirit of democracy, etc.- all of these are valid and worth keeping (in some form) to me. I think a lot of good people and ideas exist around us and I believe that we must be as empathetic and kind as possible to one another in order to navigate the current climate and preserve the good that we do have. that said, america was also founded on some pretty terrible, bigoted principles and our history- as well as our present- is marred by injustices. our society has become highly individualistic because of capitalism, and it has resulted in considerable division on every level. the competition that fuels capitalism is like an invasive species of plant, it does not only exist within our economy but it slithers out into our social world and the way we relate to others. I think capitalism coupled with our post-enlightenment founding is the source of most all of our problems as a country. capitalism has taken root in america in a way more malicious and all-consuming than in any other culture, because it was there at the beginning of our country and all of our social norms have grown out of it. many other cultures have existed long before capitalism and though it has modified their culture, it has not altogether become it. because america was founded on capitalism, we have no cultural identity outside of it. america is, itself, capitalism. that is precisely why america is experiencing all of the best and worst parts of capitalism at their most extreme. it is why, as I mentioned previously, we are perhaps the most divisive and competitive society in the modern world, and probably in history. we are the richest and most powerful country but we have the largest wealth gap and incarceration rate, among many other extremes.

all of this is to say that the rise of Trump and fascism in this country has been a long time coming, and unmistakably inevitable. to defeat it we will have to break america down to its fundamentals, throw out everything that is unethical and unjust, and rebuild our entire society from there. this is radical and hard to imagine, it will also be very difficult to execute, but I strongly believe that much of our societal systems just cannot be reformed, they must be thrown out and replaced.

the capitol riots were inexcusable and sickening but decidedly inevitable. this has been steadily building for america's entire existence. I think it will get worse before it gets better, as there are already plans for bigger and more numerous protests across the country in the following weeks. that said, I feel hopeful as I see the anti-fascist movement grow in the wake of fascism, I am hopeful as I see many people being radicalized and awakened to the realities of this country's failings. I don't know how exactly we will even begin to rid ourselves of the biases, prejudices, and downright hatred that plagues our country. I don't know how we will relate on an individual level to those with such deeply-ingrained hate in their hearts. I don't know how we will change our systems of government and economy to reflect new cultural values that we begin to build together. I am not sure what the future will hold. I do believe, however, that we will triumph over this moment and that the future will be better. I think that the only way to radically change and unite so many vastly different people and remove the blinders from their eyes is through a terrible, historic awakening like the one we are having now. the situation itself is awful, but I am hopeful that out of this mess we become a nation more committed to justice and to some of the ideals which we have falsely claimed to be emulating for our entire history.

so yes, I am worried about the next few weeks, months, and even years. there is no end to the pursuit of a just society, and I think every informed citizen is always a bit apprehensive about certain aspects of their culture. there will always be problems to combat and injustices to rectify, but I think that we will soon be moving to a better place, that we will remember these moments and say, "never again". I am hopeful, despite seeing some of the worst of humanity in recent days, that these atrocities will bring positive change.

I know that was long and instead of discussing issues about the capitol, or even just current political issues, I expanded the scope considerably and dragged in a lot of things from history and grander sociopolitical theories. still, I think it is hard to talk about the insurrection attempt without talking about a lot more. thank you for reading my takes and caring about them. I spend a lot of time thinking about these things, and it feels nice to share them with someone other than my annoyed professors who want me to shut up so they can finish the lecture and stick to their semester schedule.

I hope you're well and that you're staying safe and healthy. are you in school now too? have you or your family had the virus? thank you for coming to talk to me, I always enjoy it. I'll talk to you again soon💞

#pen pal

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theselfcaresocialworker · 4 years

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Intro P2

I wish I could tell you that I have always been good at self-care, have always managed symptoms of burnout gracefully and have been fine in a general sense. To say that would be lying and would further perpetuate the myth that therapists have their shit together. The journey that got me to where I am started way way back, but just for shits and giggles let’s go back to summer 2020.

It was June 2020 (which isn’t that far from when I wrote this in August 2020 and edited it in September). This was in the “middle” of the COVID-19 pandemic, I had been working from home for 3 months. I was in the most healthy and happy relationship of my life. I had a few awesome close friends. I was making good money, had time off (that I seldom took). I was in therapy and had worked through a fair bit of my own trauma. I had hobbies. I had a career I was objectively good at. I was knowledgeable, well read, and had good experience. All before I turned 30. I was also depressed, anxious, often triggered, down on myself, exhausted, passively suicidal, physically unwell… I dreaded doing anything related to my job. Worst of all, and I hate to say this, I didn’t care about my clients… I honestly couldn’t care anymore. The fucks to give were all gone, the proverbial well had dried out months ago. I felt helpless and hopeless about clients, about humanity. But... I was a strong social worker, and I just kept going, day to day, doing everything over and over and over. And over...

One day I had a client crying on the phone all I could think was, “Jesus. Fucking. Christ. You’re sad, I get it. Join the club, life sucks. Just shut up and do something about it.” I paused, disgusted, scared and frustrated with myself, “What the hell is wrong with me?! That’s not how I am supposed to think about this! I am not that person; I am supposed to care! Why don’t I care?!” Since I was in the middle of the session, I had to contain that all and pull my shit together and finish the appointment. Once it was done and I hung up the phone, I stared into space and tried to process what was happening to me. It felt like I started to wake up to what was happening to me; I started to see that I was beginning to make mistakes and only just catching them before it turned into a big deal. I wasn’t offering my best services. I was on autopilot.

I did what any good social worker does, I talked to my clinical supervisor. I told them bluntly and with vulnerability, what was happening and how I felt. I was very honest and open, hoping for some validation, some empathy, care. What I got was a “lecture” about what I already knew. They regurgitated everything I had already read and researched, but not even in an educated way or with any thoroughness. It was almost offensive how poorly it was delivered.

Anyways. There I was feeling all the things, not getting much, if any, help with them. Knowing that I had to do something, I worked on why I must have been feeling that way, how it had happened, what had gotten me to that point. I read articles and books, talked to my colleagues and friends. I knew in theory how to work on my symptoms, and what to do. I still have this treatment plan in my head (like I said, I am writing this awfully close to when this all happened, so I am not indeed out of the proverbial woods just yet). I just couldn’t do it. No one had ever taught me how to do the internal work I would need to do as a therapist, no one had told me what to expect internally. I realized I had gone into this work, eyes closed tight and here I was seeing the reality of this work, what it had done to me, and what I had done to myself several years in. I started clearly seeing the wear and tear it has had on my psyche, my emotions, on me as a person.

Let’s take a few steps back. To be clear. How I got to this point was not completely the fault of “the field”. Like I alluded to earlier, I have my own baggage and trauma which has heavily influenced what makes me, me. This has also played a big role in WHY I chose this work.

The following section is from a personal journal entry in December 2019.

It has always been my job to help others. Even as a young child I was a natural at making myself small, having fewer needs, being independent in order to be less of a burden. I learned that in order to earn my keep, be worthy of anything, I needed to do something for someone. What came naturally as a deeply sensitive person was helping, listening, and feeling for others. I got so good at it that I made a career out of it.

I learned so many basic counseling and social work skills within the first ten years of life that when I finally got into graduate school I was made in the shade. I was a natural, it came easily. I think the assumption is that when a grown adult goes into a graduate program, they have a more or less well-rounded, healthy set of skills upon which to build. I didn’t have that, this was a huge issue moving forward. I knew how to handle living with this set of skills on a small scale, with friends and family. NOT as a professional. The problem was that I was not well balanced or well-rounded as a person and I was so good at “social working” that I just jumped in eager to help, to fill a purpose. I didn’t have a whole other set of skills that are needed in the field like setting boundaries, self-advocacy, self-care, etc. that are expected when you are an adult.

What happened was that I jumped into this disaster of human misery thinking that I was made in the shade, I have been doing this my whole life, but had no protective gear. It’s a whole different ball game to provide mental health care full time for 8 or more hours a day; it's nothing like being the friend everyone talks to. You are in a fucking ecological disaster. Some people have protective gear, they have the boundaries, they can advocate for themselves, they have a healthy sense of self or whatever. But there I was without boots, a jacket, or whatever else you might fucking need in a god damn disaster zone. Of course I got infections in the cuts one will inevitably get, of course I was coming home covered in goop and never really being able to get it all out from my hair and under my fingernails. I never learned otherwise, and no one prepared me.

I started realizing going to and graduating from school was like I had researched and learned about everything I could about some sort of ecological, environmental disaster (think BP oil spill, Chernobyl, poisonous lakes). I knew about the local and global ecosystem, I learned about the plants, the animals, I learned about why it was a travesty. I was ready to go into the disaster zone to make a difference. However, nowhere in my education did someone adequately impress upon me the absolute necessity for practical tools like waders, gloves, a hat, sunscreen, bug spray; anything to protect me from the very real hazards of the job in the disaster. School gave me shovels, trowels, clippers, hoses, tools to work on the problem, and they probably

assumed I already had a jacket, boots, wader, gloves, and goggles and further assumed that work places provided sunscreen, bug spray, maybe even a hat. Looking back now, at the beginning it’s like I was wearing a tank top, shorts, canvas tennis shoes and maybe a wind breaker, in a fucking poisonous lake.

Other’s told me to take care of myself, make me a priority, saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup”. But I didn’t see many other people doing it either. I was arrogant, I thought I was strong enough to not need it. Only weak people need gloves and goggles. I thought if I just cared and cared and worked and worked to help, to fix people, the swamp would clear.

*woosh, pan camera back to Summer 2020* There I was, wounded, sick, malnourished (whatever metaphor you want to put here) and I had to get out. I started to wake up in this seemingly never-ending series of ecological disasters, not caring that people were crying and struggling, and all I could think about was that they just needed to get the fuck over it. I was lost so far in the polluted lake with no real exit strategy. I had not planned for this. I had placed a bet on myself that I could hack it, that I would be fine. The only way was for me to get out—a med evac. I had to *gasp* take a leave of absence.

...

There are so many things that got me to that point. Some are system wide; some are part of the system of where I work. Some are from my own internal workings, negative core beliefs, negative thinking patterns, faulty assumptions. Some of the things existed before I started this work and weirdly make me good at this.

I don’t know how much of me sharing my story of lack of adequate self-care, of what my burn out was/is like helps anyone. I guess I am just hoping it makes it real for someone so that they avoid the mistakes I made. I guess it comes down to me wanting to go back and fix myself; if I can prevent what happened to me in someone else, then it feels like I heal myself. This is fundamentally flawed and part of why I have such bad burn out. Also, I don’t want to be one of those people that says, “Don’t do what I did” or worse, “Do as I say not as I do” so I avoided saying anything. But this is also part of my burn out—being afraid to say anything, being afraid of my own voice, denying that I even have one at all, not believing that I have anything valuable to say at all. I also know, a lot of what I have to say is said by countless other people in what may be more eloquent ways. But I come back to the point…I have a voice, maybe someone would benefit from hearing it.

This is as much for myself as it is for other people. I want to live a life I am proud of, one that I don’t need a vacation from, one where I am genuine, authentic and real; so I am learning to use my voice even when it feels awkward. I am learning to use my voice to stand up for myself and others even when what I think and feel is invalidated by people in power.

...

I know that what I am about to talk about is something you already know, and I know you will say to yourself, “Yeah, I know. I will.” And you might think, “That won’t be a problem for me.” But it will. Maybe you will be able to do some self-reflection about it quickly afterwards, hopefully before the full throws of burn out grab you, you make a change.

I wish I had known early on that you absolutely cannot care for others in a healthy, sustainable way if you do not take care of yourself first, if you do not have clearly defined internal and external boundaries that you regularly enforce and that are supported by those around you. I know you know this. We tell others this all the time. But us therapists/counselors/social workers have a nasty habit (not everyone, but I have yet to encounter a mental health provider that doesn’t or hasn’t struggled with this at some point…I have a lot of thoughts about this to discuss later) of giving sound advice and suggestions and somehow thinking we don’t have to follow it. It's classic, it really is.

We all experience stress, exposure to the everyday hazards of this work differently. My experience will not be yours. All I know is that what I have been through is unremarkably common, and yet, I feel like it is not shared as widely and as thoroughly as I believe it should. Ignoring not only the issue of burnout, but the lack of adequate education about it and self-care, we put ourselves, our clients, and the field in jeopardy. It is irresponsible, reckless, arrogant and short sighted.

As far as an answer to “Now what Sara? What are we supposed to do?” I have no real satisfying, thoughtful, profound answer. What I do now is this:

Journal entry from December 2019

The funny thing is that when things get bad, I know there isn’t anything anyone can say or do to make it any better. There isn’t always anything you can do or say to yourself that makes it better. Sometimes, all that can be done is to sit through it however you can despite how excruciating it can be. Sometimes, just knowing you aren’t alone and that someone has been there or knowing that someone somewhere cares even just a little makes all the difference.

If I can be that person, that voice for someone somewhere, I will have done my job. I know what it is like to be there, in the trenches of your mind with thoughts like bombs and feelings like mustard gas trying to kill you. It’s exhausting and excruciating fighting with and within yourself every day. I suppose in war, part of what might make things more tolerable is having your comrades, your platoon mates or whatever, there fighting with you; knowing you aren’t in that hell alone. Dealing with mental illness, trauma, oppression, with life, is no less of a significant widespread battle. How awful is it that we all feel incredibly alone even when everyone is fighting the same or similar battle?” We are all fighting something, and hearing someone say, “Hey! Yeah, me too! How do you fight off the suicidal thoughts at work??” can make all the difference.

#self-care #burnout #socialwork #socialworker #introduction

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jayyrayy90 · 4 years

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I'm so angry and disappointed. I'm so frustrated with my own self too bc no matter how hard I try I can't even force myself to hate you. I have numerous reasons to hate u but I can't. I guess I'll never be able to.

What's so fucked up to me is how you can just erase me like I'm nobody to you. How you can flip a switch in your brain and I've suddenly become your enemy. How you so easily can make so many promises to me, how you can look me right in my eyes and lie to my face so easily, and how you act like you've done absolutely nothing to me or act as if the things you done were something insignificant and dumb and I'm just being overdramatic about them. Like the shit you did shouldn't matter just bc of shit i did 5 years ago or simply bc u hated me so those things were justified.

To this very day you have no respect for me and treat me as if i meant absolutely nothing to u. I don't think you will ever understand how bad that hurts me Jasmine. You, of all people in this entire world, broke me down piece by tiny piece until there was nothing left of me. You drained me of my last bit of sanity, hope for love, and I will never let another human being get close to me again as long as I'm here on this earth. You took all of that away from me so effortlessly, carelessly, and easily. I never meant anything to you and I wish like hell I knew exactly what made u hate me so much that you'd even consider doing the things you've done to me.

In some sick and cruel way, I believe u got some kind of enjoyment out of watching me fall apart. You enjoyed knowing you could go do whatever you want and come back to me whenever you got ready bc like a dummy I'd always be there waiting. I was so stupid and foolish to even think any of your promises were sincere. What made me look even dumber was the fact that I believed you and in you. I had faith in you. I was so gullible and blinded to believe that the person you used to be was still somewhere inside of you. That loving, honest, sincere, faithful, and LOYAL person u used to be had been dead and gone years ago and you kept showing/proving that to me. Yet i kept fighting to bring her back. I kept praying, hoping, and wishing that someday I'd get my baby lovey bear back. I failed to even try and believe the things you were so effortlessly trying to tell me with your actions. You've been trying to tell me that you didn't love me anymore for so many years. I was trying so hard to be/say/do everything you wanted just to make you love me. I pushed the things you were doing to me so far in the back of my mind that i allowed myself to become blinded. I just kept telling myself that you were lost and didn't know what u were doing at the time, every time I would think about the things you did.

Truth is, you knew exactly what you were doing. You knew exactly what risks u were taking. U knew exactly what u were jeopardizing. You knew. Yet you still did it anyway. You didn't care and still don't about what happens to me or my life. You have no idea the amount of pain that causes me. Its honestly like I'm loving the shadow of a person who never existed.

The way you left me, I would've never left you like that, even if i did hate you. All those years we spent together and you just leave me like that knowing I was broke. I would've never in a million years plus some, NEVER left you like that. I would've bet my entire life that you wouldn't have ever done that to me.

When you came back in my life, the one thing you would always say was, "The way I left you last time was fucked up and I know it. I got my karma. I'd never leave you like that again." Something similar to that anyway. But guess what, you left me even worse than you did the first time Jasmine. And u don't even care. How can you not even care?!! I have no words to even describe the pain. Words couldn't even come close..

In the beginning i wasn't much of the person I should have been. I had issues and addictions. I wasnt really worth your time. I put you through hell and for that I will forever be sorry. If im being honest you terrified me, no one had ever saw me the way you did. No one had ever wanted me the way you did. No one had ever made me feel the way you did. I had walls that had always kept me safe and kept me braced from the world but you... you somehow made them fall over time with your undying love for me, even when i was awful. You saw me through the worst times of my life. If not for you i wouldnt be here today. you saved me.

To me, we had a beautiful bond and an amazing love. You were everything i ever wanted and i couldn't believe you were mine. Maybe looking back that is where the trouble started...I had such guilt for who i was and how i treated you at the start and i felt so lucky to have you that i started to compromise on the things that were fundamental to me. I started to give way more then i received and i started to let you think things were okay that honestly weren't. I let you start to walk all over me and looking back maybe if i had stood up for myself then, instead of just feeling like i owed it to you for sticking with me then maybe things would be different today..

I stood by you, i did any and everything for you. I let you take out your anger on me. I would pretend to sleep until i knew you were asleep so i could just make sure you were okay. I was watching you hurt in a way i couldnt fix. I didnt know how to help, so i decided to just be everything and anything you needed. I put my entire life aside and made you my priority, my world. I dont regret it, you needed me and i was there without question.

This is where it started to go downwhill, you were changing into someone i didnt even recognize and the worst part is you couldn't even help it. Our life had become one full of fights and make ups only to fight again shortly after. You were pushing me away and i didnt know why. I dont even think you knew why, so i took all the hateful words, the poor treatment, the lack of time invested and the lack of love being shown and made it into excuses for you because of what you were dealing with. Looking back i dont think this helped you the way i thought it did. It taught you that i was always going to take it. I was going to let you walk all over me and i was going to apologize when i didnt do anything wrong simply to avoid a fight. It didnt help, you left me in such an agonizing way. i was shattered, my entire life had just fallen apart and i was lost. You were my world and you were just gone!!

I was your friend. I was your family. I was your lover. You are a person that could have been any number of things to me. Heartbreak plays no favorites when it chooses people in life to let you down. I really always had faith in you. I trusted you and the promises that you made to me. I believed in your aspirations and disregarded your ambiguity. I let you in, against my best wishes. I relentlessly defended you. I saw the beautiful parts of who you were. I made plans with you and kept them in my head like a guaranteed magnificent destination. I loved you. I gave you all that I had and now I am left feeling empty and cheated. But do you know what the strangest and most unbelievably frustrating part of all of this is? I forgive you.

Your betrayal shook my foundation. Not just the foundation of us, but the foundation of everything I thought. All that I believed about love was up in the air. I wasn’t sure about anything. It wasn’t just about you. I was now questioning everything.

The truth is, you didn't really love me. Maybe you loved the idea of me. Maybe you loved having me around because I would have done anything for you, but if you really loved me, you wouldn't have destroyed me the way you did. That's not love.

I loved you so much that I lost sight in everything else, especially myself. I glued myself to you so tightly because I was so terrified of losing you. Lets be honest though, you were never really mine to lose, were you?

You always treated me so coldly, and I couldn't ever understand why when all I ever did was love you. Sometimes the harsh words you used still stay inside of my head.

I was never good enough, or at least that is how you would treat me. I was always wrong, I was the crazy one after the break up, it was never you. It was always me. You were poison to my heart, and I wanted so badly to save you, but I couldn't. You destroyed me mentally and emotionally to the point where I can’t even feel emotions anymore. To the point where I am literally completely numb to feeling anything or having real true emotions towards anyone or anything.

When I met you, I knew. I knew in some way, shape, or form, you would hold incredible significance to my life. I knew you were going to be a constant. I knew you would change me.

Yes, we had our disagreements, but we always made our way back to each other. I always felt you in my heart, there was nothing you could do to make me that upset for long. I already needed you. I knew, the second I held you close to me, I knew, that this was it for me. You were it. All I wanted, and all I would ever need.

You have issues, my love. Internal struggles with yourself, external issues with your family and others around you and it weighs you down. I never have held that against you. But the struggles you faced made it impossible for you to love me the way you wanted to, the way I needed you to. Still, I held on, praying you would stay with me, praying you would get better. Through all the fights, the petty disagreements, and the abuse, I stayed. Why?

I loved you blindly of course. I loved you without restrictions, and without caution. I loved you wildly. In my head, I knew you could be better. I wanted to see that happen for you. I wanted to help you get to where you should be. I believed in you. I loved you so deeply, I would have, and did do, anything on Earth for you.

The truth is, you are not who I once loved. That person is gone. That person took some of the deepest parts of myself with them. I will always love them.

Had you tried for me, love, had you tried for you, we would have been in love forever. But you didn’t, and sitting around waiting for you only made things harder on me. I’ve accepted the fact that the you I once knew is gone.

I didn’t want to move on from you. I hoped in the deepest cell of my heart that you would come back and sweep me up and make things better. But eventually, I chose to move on. I chose to heal myself. I chose to fix what you shattered. It didn’t come easily, and nearly everyday is a struggle… but I have to. You are the love of my life, but you are long gone now...

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marinersubmariner · 4 years

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The Rise of Skywalker thoughts, part 2

Or: A Chronicle of My Descent Into Madness

I know what you’re thinking: Star Wars complaints? Still? In this economy? You know what, sometimes you just gotta overthink stuff that doesn’t matter at all.

This is very heavily edited from its original form but still toooo much. Not recommended for human consumption.

I think what’s throwing me off so much and making me dwell on this way more than is healthy or rational is that this is the first time a Star Wars movie has felt WRONG to me. Like deeply, thematically off. Unsatisfying in a really fundamental way. I would call Solo the least essential SW movie for me, and even that I enjoyed well enough and it didn’t really break anything. TFA disappointed me in many ways but I was mostly able to detach myself from the things I didn’t like about how it related to the OT and accept that the sequel trilogy is fanfic. Even when SW has been at its worst, I’ve never felt betrayed by it. But TROS feels like a betrayal. And apparently that’s how a lot of people felt about TLJ, so I guess people who hated that movie can now point and laugh and say “I told you so,” but it’s just... a lose-lose situation for everyone.

It’s pretty amusing though that everyone hates this movie but hates it in different ways for different reasons. I, too, am dissatisfied with Ben Solo’s redemption! Oh, wait, a lot of people hate it because they think he shouldn’t have been redeemed at all, lol.

What gets me about TROS is that it punishes you for thinking about it. It seems sort of entertaining enough on a surface level, but as soon as you stop and really consider its plot, its characterization, how it fits into and engages with its own trilogy and the saga as a whole, it completely falls apart. It makes Luke and Leia seem incredibly shitty (oh yeah, Leia DID train as a Jedi, but couldn’t help her son at all and foisted him off on Luke, who was also like “actually, fuck this kid.” But Rey Palpatine is pure of heart and the best!) The final scene being set on Tatooine is an empty way to bring things “full circle” that has nothing to do with Rey’s character OR EVEN LUKE AND LEIA WHO IT’S SUPPOSEDLY “HONORING.” Leia had no attachment to Tatooine. Luke and Anakin both hated it there. And you can fuckin’ forget about Shmi. Who’s Shmi? lol. The binary sunset—even in repeat instances in ROTS and TLJ—has always been directly about Luke himself, not just Star Wars ‘cause it’s Star Wars. The original scene is about yearning for something more and the call to adventure. It’s about NOT WANTING TO BE THERE. But sure, Rey loves being alone in the desert, that’s definitely why she never wanted to leave Jakku. -_-

It’s interesting, after TFA I became pretty detached from the original characters in the context of this trilogy because it made their post-ROTJ story so bleak and not at all what I had imagined. Han and Leia broke up, their son turned evil, Luke fucked off to the middle of nowhere, Leia still doesn’t use the Force... I just sort of went “welp! I love the new characters!” Which is part of why Luke in TLJ didn’t bother me a whole lot despite the fact that I’m a big Luke fan. I liked the story it told. And it wasn’t really the story of the old characters anyway! Yes they’re there, but in service to the new characters. And then this movie ate its own tail and made the new characters function in service to the old characters, and in the process ruined the story for all of them.

Nothing that happens is actually developed within the movie itself, other than Force healing. The Palpatine reveal is pulled out of thin air. Rey and Ben’s relationship and Ben’s redemption are entirely reliant on development that happened in the previous movies. This movie doesn’t do any legwork to get there, and in fact regresses everything to its dumbest state so everything that happens materializes abruptly and resolves just as abruptly.

The thing that I’m stuck on about Rey Palpatine is that, okay, we know powerful Force users can come from anywhere, that’s not what was novel about Rey Nobody. What works about Rey Nobody—aside from it being an effective counterpoint to Kylo’s legacy baggage—is that it makes the story about Rey’s actions and choices going forward, it relies on her forward motion to connect the story to the past and make it relevant instead of leaning on “she’s important because she’s related to an important character!” Why is the story about Rey, what makes her so special that we centered a trilogy on her? Not the fact that she’s tied to the past, but the fact that she can rebuild the future. She is chosen because of what she’ll do and who she’ll become, not because of something she inherited. Rejecting Palpatine is still a choice, but it’s a generic one that doesn’t help to define Rey’s character at all, and it makes the story so much more beholden to the past instead of propulsive into the future.

And then even if you do commit to the Palpatine route, there was still an opportunity there of allowing Ben to live and having a Skywalker and a Palpatine teaming up to rebuild the Jedi (or some newly defined form of “Jedi”), a true rectification of Vader and the Emperor. It’s so obvious!!!!!!! It’s satisfying!!!!! It makes sense!!!!!! It connects to the rest of the saga in a meaningful way!!!!!! AND THEY DIDN’T DO THAT EITHER!!!!!!

Rey Palpatine is such a tacked-on twist that it makes everything contradict itself. Palpatine targeted Ben from birth, but couldn’t ever be bothered to find Rey. “You cannot deny the truth that is your family” unless you’re Rey. Ben Solo rejecting his true name and calling himself Kylo Ren: bad. Rey Palpatine rejecting her true name and calling herself Rey Skywalker: good. ??????? Taking the Skywalker name could have MAYBE been a little less bad if she had actually been Rey Nobody, but since they dumped the Palpatine reveal in there and convinced her that her parents were good and really loved her, why does she adopt herself into a separate dead family? Accepting and claiming her own heritage doesn’t have a saga of audience nostalgia behind it so fuck it! Rey has more meaningful personal connections with Organa-Solos but those names aren’t as marketable so who cares! This isn’t Rey’s story, this is A S T A R W A R S S T O R Y

The conclusion is at odds with itself. If they want us to be sold on Reylo and Ben’s redemption, then it’s completely unsatisfying for that to end tragically. If they want us to believe Rey is fine and the ending is triumphant and hopeful, then it undercuts how important Rey and Ben’s relationship actually was, or how much Ben’s redemption really meant to the narrative. They’re telling us that Rey has all the belonging she needs with her friends and the Skywalker name, but in the final scene they’re showing us that she’s alone. The final frame of ROTJ is VERY POINTEDLY Luke with his friends, not standing alone smiling at ghosts.

And speaking of ghosts!! The lack of any Force ghost intervention with Ben is really, extremely bizarre, and I can even marginally accept that he doesn’t interact with ghost Luke despite “see you around, kid” because Luke would still probably piss him off. But ANAKIN. Anakin’s ghost encouraging Rey while his own grandson—WHO WAS LITERALLY DOOMED BY ANAKIN’S OWN LEGACY—is dying in a pit is so supremely fucked up it’s hard to even fathom. Anakin Skywalker? Who threw PALPATINE down a pit? The same Palpatine who then proceeded to haunt Ben’s entire life, even by PRETENDING TO BE ANAKIN?? Anakin’s ghost: “I can’t read suddenly, I don’t know”

Obviously the ignoring and retconning of TLJ is jarring, but the thing that really bothers me is the mending of the legacy lightsaber. I had thought that was something they would HAVE to deal with no matter what. I suppose ultimately it’s inconsequential if it was going to be mended either way, but to just not even acknowledge that it was ever broken, when that’s such a big, mythic moment in TLJ, really throws me. (then again, Luke tossing the lightsaber at the beginning of TLJ undercuts the big, mythic moment of Rey presenting it to him at the end of TFA, so... great. great job everybody.) I just had really imagined we would get some sort of Jedi learning happening in this, if not from Ben turning good then at the very least in regard to lightsabers—mending the legacy saber or healing Ben’s crystal or building new lightsabers, which we’ve never seen in a movie besides a deleted scene. Even salvaging Death Star kyber! Maybe that’s all too deep into the lore to include in a movie, but I just really wanted something even tangentially related to Jedi knowledge and the larger mythology, since TLJ was able to do it, and the end of the entire saga seems like an especially important place for it.

And even though they maintained (and expanded!) the Force bond, it’s truly weird how different those scenes feel than anything in TLJ. Rey and Kylo’s dynamic doesn’t track from what we saw before, the dialogue is stilted (because they ADR’d all of Kylo’s lines while he’s in the mask??), and the stylistic choices aren’t as refined or effective. Particularly on Pasaana when Rey’s side of the scene switches to night for some reason? I guess they were trying to mute the background, but visually it actually makes it more confusing because it’s not something that happens any other time.

The more I think about it the more dissatisfied I am with Ben’s redemption, and I already wasn’t happy with it. I was mostly relieved that it happened at all, because the first half of the movie makes no effort to go in that direction. But then even when it finally does happen, it makes no impact on the narrative. He has no real function in the final fight. He gives Rey an opening to defeat Palpatine and that’s it. Bringing Rey back is a personal moment, which is arguably fitting because that smaller more internal place is where their relationship resides, but its significance is undermined by the fact that there wasn’t even a REASON for Rey to die to begin with. She just drops dead because whatever (classic Padme), so the whole sequence of events is essentially meaningless because there’s no motivation for any of it. I had always thought that when he got redeemed he would get to fulfill some larger purpose, something absolutely crucial to the fate of the galaxy that paid off his parents’ and Rey’s hope that he would come back to the light. Han and Luke and Leia ALL died to bring him back, and he doesn’t get to do anything other than die and be instantly forgotten.

It seemed so important for Rey and Ben to reconcile their differences and work together, it’s what all the biggest moments of the trilogy have pointed to. The chasm opening up between them on Starkiller Base, the Force theme when their hands touch, the destruction of the legacy saber: all of that was huge and symbolic and meaningful. The WILL OF THE FORCE was for them to stop fighting each other. And I do love how the Force healing plays into that. But then ultimately when it comes time for them to work together for good and all, to defeat Palpatine and save the galaxy... they don’t actually get to do that. Ben gets tossed into a pit so Rey can become the Avatar and defeat Palpatine by herself. They could have at least shared the burden of channeling ~all the Jedi~ since that’s apparently fatal for one person to do. Why introduce this concept of a dyad and then barely do anything with it? It would have been so much more satisfying to see some real climactic teamwork, because the throne room remains the raddest shit of all time. They get the awesome hero shot posing with the lightsabers, and then... nothing. NOTHING!!!!!! WHAT IS THE POINT!!!!!!!!!

It’s funny (“funny”..........) thinking back on watching the trailers and how I imagined that Ben and Rey would actually be teamed up for a far more significant portion of the movie. I was really expecting Ben’s redemption to happen relatively early to then move on to defeating Palpatine. I enjoyed the possibility that the desert TIE chase/showdown was actually them training together (but then like every shot of them fighting in the trailers I saw speculation of “oh maybe they’re training together!” and uhh... it was never gonna be a two-hour training montage, lol). That shot of them destroying the Vader pedestal always looked to me like they were working together rather than fighting each other. I’M A FOOL

Obviously it’s Star Wars so you have to have a big epic lightsaber battle, and I do honestly enjoy the ocean fight (I love the atmosphere, I love the dumb anime Force jumps, I love how tired and half-hearted they get as it goes on, it’s great), but there is no good reason for them to fight as much as they do in this movie. It’s a bunch of noise in place of any real character development. Rey is essentially just fighting with herself and taking it out on Ben. Which is, you know, interesting I guess! But the ideological divide there is so weak. “Join the dark side. I super definitely believe in it and not just because I think it’s the only path open to me.” “No!” “Come with me to Exegol, we’re both headed there anyway, literally I’m just asking you to carpool.” “NO!”

Why was the ending of this trilogy “Han and Leia’s son dies”?? What is the point of that? By making him the son of our original heroes they made us care about him coming back to the light, they made it IMPORTANT for that to happen. And then it happens in the most perfunctory way and adds nothing to the story. Why start the trilogy with the tragedy of Ben having fallen to the dark side and murdering his father, only for it to end with the tragedy of him dying and never living a fulfilled life? That’s meaningless. That’s not a journey. He starts the trilogy symbolically dead and ends it literally dead. Rey starts the trilogy as a child in the desert longing for family and ends it as a child in the desert with a dead family.

They make Ben so good so quickly and then we don’t get to spend any time with him at all. He’s so GOOD finally free of the Kylo Ren persona he trapped himself in, it’s so cathartic to see the actual son of Princess Leia and Han Solo, and then... and then. I understand why so many people in fandom are unwilling to care about him, but at the same time, you’re supposed to care because the heroes care. You’re not supposed to LIKE the things he did, you’re not supposed to be happy that he chose wrong and terrible things, you’re supposed to root for him to be good. That is the ENTIRE POINT of him being Han and Leia’s son. He is MEANT to COME BACK. If he was never meant to come back then they could have made him any generic villain unrelated to our heroes and been done with it. But you are supposed to have that investment from the very beginning. There is supposed to be a tension there that ultimately gets resolved.

SO WHY DO ANY OF THAT? Why spend three movies arguing about whether Ben Solo can come back, and finally have it happen and give that release of YES HE’S BACK!!!! only to immediately kill him off? How is that satisfying or hopeful? Why did you make me invested in all this only to yank the football away at the last second? Was I not supposed to want Han and Leia’s only child to live? Because it doesn’t feel like a happy ending for the Skywalkers to die out. For the legacy of ALL our original heroes to be a fallen son whose life only ever amounted to giving them a replacement daughter.

As much as I can understand the appeal of subverting expectations and making it about how Ben chose evil and will never come back despite what anyone else hopes for, I just can’t accept how bleak and cynical that would be for the original characters and the story as a whole. That’s not what TLJ was doing, even though he ends that movie in an even worse place than where he started. (you know, like how ESB ended with Han in carbonite and then Han stayed in carbonite forever.) The ultimate message can’t be “give up hope, he’s irredeemable and gone forever” when every single hero character who is meant to be in the right is saying “no one’s ever really gone,” “hope is like the sun,” “it’s about saving what we love.” If you want to say that he chose evil and choice is all that matters, how do you then dismiss his choice to be good? Why would that choice suddenly not matter? It’s too late? He threw away all his chances, because in a hopeful fantasy story there’s a finite limit on forgiveness? There’s absolutely no way to ever make up for past mistakes, you can only atone through death? Unconditional love is bullshit? COOL

I can’t get over how boring fandom is that so many people are so insistent that Kylo HAD to die, he was always going to die, he deserved it. Death with redemption is a repeat of Vader that does nothing to break from the past or resolve the generational story; death without redemption is any typical villain (there are so many in Star Wars, you guys. so many.); LIFE is a unique ending that would have been worth telling. Immediate death is not punishment or redemption, it’s a cop-out. It always would have been more interesting for him to live, regardless of whatever other fallout you wanted. Death is easy. I’d much rather see painful, ugly transformation into something better than what came before.

There’s this idea in fandom that in order to be “worthy” of redemption, you can’t have done anything ACTUALLY bad, when the whole concept of redemption can only exist if you’ve done something wrong. Making the deliberate choice to change is the point. He did bad things because it’s a series about space magic where good and evil are denoted in the clearest possible way. The unquestionably bad things are presented that way on purpose so that when he chooses good it is also extremely obvious and representative of broad spiritual change on a basic fundamental level. IT’S... A STORY?????? Holy shit! But villains are bad and you shouldn’t care about them or the story that’s being told about them. :(

I realize this is blasphemy to certain segments of fandom—especially after I’ve harped on about how much I love and cherish public enemy #1 Kylo Ren—but the Rey/Finn/Poe trio doesn’t work for me. It’s too little too late, and it has never endeared me that it’s fanon based on Daisy/John/Oscar more than anything in canon (I KNOW, I’M SORRY). Poe really wasn’t a major character in TFA, so fandom used the transitive property to make Poe who’s friends with Finn who’s friends with Rey into a trio when the movie itself doesn’t establish a friendship between the three of them together. They’re not Han/Luke/Leia, and they don’t need to be, because mindlessly repeating things from the OT is the exact problem with this trilogy.

TROS relies on us having an investment in Rey/Finn/Poe, but all it does to establish Rey and Poe as friends is to have them bicker. And on top of that, Finn and Poe are reduced to bickering the entire time too! Clearly it was meant to be charming, but for the most part it wasn’t fun for me. There’s not enough there for me to latch onto as an emotional investment. Plus it’s just a dick move to exclude Rose, who is demonstrably closer with Finn than Rey has ever been with Poe. So that’s another big reason the ending doesn’t work for me, that after one movie (and Rey still mostly going through her own shit separate from Finn and Poe) we’re supposed to be satisfied with the ending group hug, that THIS relationship is the one that the entire trilogy has culminated in when they never actually did any work to get there or gave it any character weight. Han/Luke/Leia works because they went through shit together from the start, and despite Luke being on his own hero’s journey Han and Leia were always his peer group and emotional center. I can buy that about Rey and Finn—their foundation is solid even though their dynamic in TROS is awkward and distant—but Rey and Poe? There’s nothing there. When Rey spent the rest of her journey with a character established as her main equal/foil/partner/soulmate????, there’s just no way for a barely-existent friendship to feel like the REAL emotional center and serve as a satisfying character conclusion.

But that lack of development is also a problem with Reylo! This movie doesn’t do any work to get to that end point either! The only reason it works is because of their scenes in the previous movies, and because of Adam and Daisy’s WORDLESS ACTING in this movie. The emotion comes entirely from their performances, not the script. There’s no real substance there the way there was in TLJ. I was already invested going into this because I think their dynamic is the most thematically rich and unique in this trilogy, but my imagination is also doing a lot of the heavy lifting and I can totally understand not being sold on it based on what we’ve seen on-screen.

I do wonder if Reylo would resonate as much with me if it had a happy ending, because it’s very wrenching to think about the resolution they got, and it does work for me in my stupid fanartist overwrought symbolism brain. Part of what I like about TLJ is that they ALMOST get close, they ALMOST become friends, and then it twists the knife and they remain adversaries. The almost-but-not-quite, satisfying-because-it’s-unsatisfying messiness is very appealing in its own way. (I HATE TO SAY IT but Killing Eve s1 finale, “I really liked you” while being stabbed in the gut = literally TROS Reylo. ....I..... love it........ tbh I had thought about this dynamic just from the throne room scene in TLJ. The tentative trust and the antagonist letting their guard down only to be betrayed. And now Villanelle is Rey’s mom!) But really, ultimately it seems that if they’ve been tragic all along, giving it a tragic ending is just punishment. There’s plenty of tragedy in Star Wars, which is great, but there’s also a light at the end of the tunnel that makes it all seem worth it (the way the OT was for the PT). The sequel trilogy doesn’t have an effective light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn’t culminate in anything meaningful at all. It ends at the same place ROTJ ended except with a higher body count.

On my first viewing the opening sequence felt so WEIRD, like it just throws you into this bizarre little Kylo journey and the Palpatine intro that overloads you on “Palpatine drove Ben mad doing fake voices! Snoke’s a clone! What the fuck is going on!!!” But on rewatch I actually enjoy it BECAUSE it’s weird. XD The wayfinder is a fun, holocron-esque object (just... make it a real holocron though), the flying part is cool and that music is one of the few sections of the score that’s unique and catchy. Obviously the strobe effects on Exegol are not great, but I like the high-pitched screeching sounds, it’s effectively strange and ominous. And anyway, Kylo: I just think he’s neat!

Obviously we don’t get any sense of what Kylo was actually like as Supreme Leader, so I know this may not be representative of the entire year time skip, but the impression this movie gives of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren is: he spends all his time going on bullshit scavenger hunts and chasing after a girl and not doing any work. Which is hilarious and amazing. I will lament every day that this movie wasn’t the First Order falling apart because of incompetent leadership and a stormtrooper rebellion and a goddamn mutiny against the shittiest Supreme Leader of all time. KYLO REN HAS NEVER HAD A REAL JOB IN HIS LIFE

I wish they’d ever done anything with the implications of Finn being a former stormtrooper. With the fact that the First Order steals and indoctrinates children, which for some reason they brought up AGAIN in this movie without doing anything with it? I always felt in TFA that they didn’t really think through making one of their protagonists a former stormtrooper, because it then opens the door to all stormtroopers being potential good guys and breaks the ability to use them as faceless cannon fodder. Which would have been fine if you actually followed through on a stormtrooper uprising or something. But no, they continue to get mowed down, just with the added knowledge that many of them are brainwashed child soldiers. I suppose that’s a good metaphor for what happened to Ben. Hope you’re able to resist brainwashing by evil overlords, otherwise you’re doomed forever. Star Wars!

For as much as people complain that we’re asked to sympathize with Kylo while Finn has never done anything wrong ever in his life, it’s actually super weird for Finn to never struggle with his upbringing at all. It’s nice that he’s unequivocally a good guy, but like... he’s TOO well-adjusted for a kid who was brainwashed his whole life? I wouldn’t have minded some indication that he’s a little bit messed up. They never did anything with him being a former stormtrooper! It just never comes up! So WHY is that his backstory??? It had so much potential and it’s just... not a thing ever again. He immediately pivots to killing all stormtroopers he meets and it’s just... supposed to be... normal.........

I was always a proponent of Force-sensitive Finn, I absolutely wanted him to be a Jedi (since TFA marketed him that way!!!!) and thought it would have been great if, instead of a rehash of one last Jedi with one last master, both Rey AND Finn trained with Luke. But now that all is said and done and we got Force-sensitive Finn in the most half-assed, coy bullshit way possible, I’m wishing they’d instead focused on Finn leading the stormtrooper uprising that everyone wanted and given him something unique to do. They didn’t really give him his own story. The Jedi stuff is Rey’s area and the Resistance stuff is Poe’s area and Finn ends up just being... there. Chasing other characters around and yelling their names. I always felt like his TLJ storyline didn’t serve him well enough as a character, but in comparison to TROS it’s GREAT. He actually went on a journey and experienced growth! He got to meet Rose and learn about who he is as a person! Amazing!

Rose’s role didn’t have to be as big here as it was in TLJ, but to almost completely erase her and ignore her established relationship with Finn? To go out of their way to even give dumb expository moments to Dominic Monaghan and Greg Grunberg instead??? How is anybody supposed to believe that’s anything other than pandering to the gross, vocal hatred of the most inoffensive character in existence? I was really looking forward to seeing Rey and Rose interact, they would’ve been so cute together. With Leia dead Rey has no female relationships whatsoever. Her 0.25 seconds of interaction with Zorii is the closest we get. Wow. Thanks.

This is probably unrealistic with what they had to work with, but I keep thinking that Leia should have lived. They went through all the trouble of using this choppy leftover footage to put her in the movie, but they still kill her off when she could have just... stayed alive. Her life is so tragic but she has always been the survivor, the one who remains. Let Leia live, let Ben live, let them be reunited finally, let them rebuild. LET IT BE A FUJCKCKINGNNG HAAPPPPYYYY ENNDINNGGGGGG

Really just the way they chose to conclude Leia and Ben is so weird and confusing, because it implies that Leia could have used the Force to call out to Ben at ANY TIME. I mean, I guess the effort of that communication is what killed her? Maybe? Why? That’s too similar to Luke’s death except without the unique Force power justification, and also just... dumb. It really plays out like “well, guess I gotta die now! bye” and I feel like they could have tried a little harder to... not do that.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker: I Feel Like They Could Have Tried a Little Harder to Not Do That

Even though the Han scene really works for me, it’s difficult to read what it is in-universe (instead of plain bald-faced audience manipulation to sell the redemption). I’d initially thought maybe it was a Force projection from Leia, but she’s already dead at that point and if she were going to project anything it should have just been her. Han isn’t an actual ghost, but it’s also more realistic than a vision, so it plays out in some weird liminal space that isn’t typically seen outside of a Force nexus. People who hate Kylo can easily dismiss it as him forgiving himself in a hallucination, which, yeah, IT IS, but in a sense that’s... okay?

The only crime the narrative really cares about is Han’s murder, and Han forgave Ben in TFA. Literally the moment he was murdered Han forgave Ben. So the Han scene in TROS isn’t some new, imaginary forgiveness that Ben made up wholesale, it’s Ben finally accepting the thing that already happened (“you’re just a memory”). And the instigator for that was Ben being stabbed in the same way by the person he loved. So he understood, exactly, that forgiveness, that type of unconditional love. And Rey did for him what he couldn’t do for Han, she took it back, she corrected it, so Ben becomes the embodiment of his father’s forgiveness. His father saved him, his mother saved him, Rey saved him, and all of that is refracted into Ben saving himself.

THE FORCE IS THE BLADE OF THE HEART

The symbolism of Han being stabbed/Ben being stabbed/Ben being healed/Rey being healed, all as vectors of the Force, and pain, and love, and that tangle of emotion manifested in physical ways and directed outward. The violence of internal pain externalized and then regenerative power focused in the same way. Han’s sacrifice carving a direct line to Ben’s capacity for healing with love instead of harming with pain, and the thin, thin line that exists between the two. THE BLADE!!!!! OF THE HEART!!!!! This is gibberish but it’s really nice in my head!!! Someday I’ll make a picspam and it’ll all make sense.

I keep wondering and feeling sad about what Rian might have done with this movie. TLJ wasn’t flawless, but the more time I spent with it the more I appreciated it, and relative to the rest of this trilogy the difference is staggering. Even the behind the scenes content for TLJ is better and more thoughtful. I always read the art books, and I was really disappointed in the one for TFA—it actually lowered my opinion of the movie because so much of it was “how can we slavishly recreate the OT but a LITTLE different?” But the art book for TLJ was really interesting and a great read, and there’s still plenty in there I disagree with or that I didn’t think was as good as they thought it was (Canto Biiiiiight!!!!), but overall it was just better executed. And it’s the same with all the behind the scenes footage. The Director and the Jedi is SO nice and well-produced and interesting and lovely to look at, and because I was so excited about TLJ I went back and watched the TFA making of special features and it was all so... bland. Literally down to a production level TLJ is better. I’m anxious to see the TROS art book and making of documentary to see how much of a fucking mess it is.

I was also really clinging to the hope of seeing deleted scenes, but now apparently we’re not even getting those. That was my big fear, that if this was as much of a mess as it sounds like then Disney is gonna bury everything. It’s all just so unsatisfying that I really wanted to believe there was something else out there I could watch and try to wring some semblance of meaning from it. But maybe if they never had any real concept of the story they were telling it’s just bad all the way down. The novelization stuff that’s coming out is... really bad...... although it’s pretty funny that some of this is turning into the old EU absurdity all over again. Honestly, if Ben and Rey had started out as the Jacen and Jaina AU I thought they were going to be I would’ve been fine with it. At least Jacen’s death didn’t wipe out the entire family.

In the wake of all this I’ve been revisiting my post-TFA and post-TLJ thoughts, which is basically just pouring salt into my wounds reminiscing on all the things I imagined and hoped for in this trilogy. Post-TFA is pretty funny because I was astonished by how much I liked Kylo and at the same time horrified by Reylo. I was so excited about the narrative and symbolic connections between Finn and Rey and Kylo, and I was so in love with the thought of Finn and Rey both training with Luke, and the two of them teaching Ben how to be good. I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO BE FRIENDS. And it was such an exciting prospect, the next generation figuring out their place and deciding who they’re going to be. And things JJ himself said even reinforced that reading! THIS FUCKING QUOTE:

“This trilogy is about this young generation, this new generation, having to deal with all the debt that has come before,” Abrams says. “And it’s the sins of the father, and it’s the wisdom and the accomplishments of those who did great things, but it’s also those who committed atrocities, and the idea that this group is up against this unspeakable evil and are they prepared? Are they ready?” (https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2019/05/star-wars-cover-story)

That’s a great thesis statement, JJ, it would have been cool if TROS had bothered with any of that. I don’t understand how he could say shit like that and then drop the ball so profoundly on all the things TFA and TLJ had set up. You DIDN’T NEED Rey Palpatine for “the sins of the father” when Kylo is RIGHT THERE.

And then there’s that Terrio interview where he says the original sin of Star Wars is separating the twins. Not Anakin being separated from his mother. Not Palpatine luring Anakin to the dark side. Not Anakin being pivotal in the destruction of the entire Jedi Order. SEPARATING THE TWINS AND PUTTING THEM IN LOVING ADOPTIVE HOMES THAT RAISED THEM TO BECOME GALACTIC HEROES IS THE ORIGINAL SIN OF STAR WARS. But Rey being sold by parents who loved her is fine. Killing off half of a “““Force dyad””” is also fine. BUT THE TWINS!!!!!!

I’ve at least spent so much time lamenting this movie that I’m a little more desensitized to it now. The really unfortunate thing is that I’m just not somebody who can write it off completely and be like “Star Wars is dead to me” because it’s one of the only fandom things I still care about at all. IT’S ALL I HAVE LEFT. And with TROS in particular there’s juuuuust enough there that I enjoy, which fuels my disappointment in the rest of it like a perpetual motion machine.

Anyway, I’m fine. We’re all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?

#star wars #the rise of skywalker #sw meta

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light-of-being · 4 years

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a very fkin long and incomplete exposition of my flaws as a human being

I've not really spoken about the probably most consequential event in my recent life (the ending of a long term relationship), and that's because I haven't really thought about it very much. At least, not in a clear-headed space not entirely filled with rage, fear, or initially, longing. So, I've mostly just been waiting for the intensity of those responses to wear out before I can go back and make sense of things in a sorta 'safe' way.

(These days it's mostly anger and/or hurt. Sometimes twinges of hatred, but those fizzle quickly. I know that attitude isn't 'true'. I tried to hate him, I really did. Things would be so much simpler that way — an obvious villain of pure evil, a mistake worthy of contempt. Put him behind me as someone I regret meeting and consider everything only as a flashing warning sign of what to avoid next time. But real life never is that easy, is it.)

Regardless, reading about miscellaneous psychological ~stuff, I realised that I know for sure now that there are sides of me that only come out in a close relationship, as they postulate. It's unfortunate that my exposure to this was only in such a toxic environment, and I'm not sure if or when closeness has any chance of happening again.

I suspect, based on what I have/haven't felt with him vs others, that I can (at least at this stage of my development) only really feel 'seen' by an antisocial/narcissist/schizoid (or something in that general direction), just hope to god it's a mature one next time. I might want to interrogate and possibly change that fact, I'm not sure it's at all a healthily arrived preference. But...

there is a degree of normalcy and social belonging in others that becomes a wall

I can relate superficially, cognitively and even 'deeply personally' (tho is all y'all's deeply personal shit necessarily relational?), have a good time and even feel 'connection' but there are parts that seem simply insurmountable.

The lack of relating to many things is the unifying factor between me and the specified groups: the shared experience of not having shared experiences

But yet, a more acute awareness of superficiality, and the drives and mechanics of human interactions, attitudes, identity and constructs, not taken for granted as default but built from the ground up (Most often out of either necessity or a desire to manipulate them, but still).

Actually, most straightforwardly, the shared experience of experiencing oneself as an outsider to society — whether people personally, accepted norms or expected attitudes towards self and other.*

Anyway, that was a whole semi-tangent I went off on (useful and relevant to the initial thought but not the point I was planning on).

Important point was...ah yes, insights!

...into how I behave under genuine relational circumstances. Due to aforementioned toxicity, I'm not sure how generalisable they are to relationships overall, but they should generalise to feeling-states.

(a) Fear. Defensiveness.

Switches off my brain. Obvious? No. I have been actively strategic while having a gun pointed at me. I thought I had that down. Turns out, I cannot dissociate myself out of an argument most of the time.

Turns out, just the fact or even prospect of arguing activates panic and brain goes out the window. Which is really fucking stupid as an occurrence because how many of these could be prevented with a bit of mindfulness and thoughtful responding. But getting emotions to chill out for long enough to do that is tough.

(b) I am a stubborn dumbass. Kid me argued until they were attacked so harshly that they absolutely could not continue. The alternative presented was to just keep silent, one I did not then and do not now accept. Discussion where both parties partake in good faith have generally been fruitful, only neither of these situations were that. Both involved one person trying to dominate at all costs. To which I suppose keeping silent for the moment and then running tf away is an appropriate response. Idk. I'm not sure if this is a 'normal situation' to which I respond unhealthily, or an 'abnormal situation' in which you just do your best to survive. Arguments are normal. Idk if other people have a less aggressive approach that is less outright terrifying, in which I can modulate, but it does seem like people want to prove you wrong and get angry, which I perceive as aggression.

Which brings me to boundaries. Can I shut things down when I'm overwhelmed. In the present case, the answer was no. They both didn't stop and the fact that I asked for this was interpreted as admission of defeat.Oftentimes, getting out of the situation was more of an ordeal than dealing with it. [We stayed at a hotel the one time and he did things that made me very uncomfortable (in like a “things that I shudder at thinking about even now” kind of way; not sexual btw which this has made it sound). I thought I was as clear as I could’ve been by saying, “I’m going to legit have a breakdown if you keep doing that” but apparently it came across as a joke (gotta improve on communication as well). He stopped and apologised when he realised I was crying, but later blamed me for not being more assertive and laughed at my ‘exaggerated’ response and “meltdown”. At this point I wanted to leave and go home, but he withheld [my copy of] the key. He insisted and manipulated and coerced for discussion, said I could have the key if I “really wanted it, but do I actually want that”, until it was just easier to give in. The helplessness and feeling trapped of that evening haunts me to this day, and I want to be very sure to never be in any situation where that is even a possibility again no matter what.]

I need to get better at knowing what is and isn't okay and being strong enough to enforce that.

(a) Attachment is a bitch. Utterly unfamiliar sensation, one I don't know my way around at all. The rarity of relation makes it seem so fucking precious, so fucking necessary to protect even to my detriment and his. Dare I tip the boat or will it sink. Should I be the dancing monkey to keep it from sinking. Should he.

(b) The feeling of giving a damn what someone thinks of me is also foreign and difficult. It also seems hella intensified by virtue of not existing elsewhere. Disapproval feels devastating. Criticism becomes attack. Everything feels like a continuous effort to establish worth. I'd imagined acceptance could be taken for granted, but I questioned it the whole way (obviously doesn't help when he demands changes).

(c) I have trouble distinguishing between personal issues and insecurities and legitimate reason to be upset. I think this is typical. But with trial and error, one can probably pick up on what you carry with you across differing people and circumstances. I don't have that data. I have nothing to compare against. I also suspect some parts of this is him treating legitimate reasons as being my distorted perceptions, which I'm pretty sure did happen for a few things that I believe are 'objectively' shitty.

I trust. Too. Fucking. Much. I take shit at face value. This is very often dumb and...bad in literally every sense, but I don’t yet know how to identify preemptively when that's the case. I also fail to be adequately 'suspicious' I guess to be alert to minor inconsistencies later on. Lies are especially devastating. I built my reality around you using that fundamental premise. Now you tell me it was false all along. Where does that leave me? I go back to substitute and nothing makes sense. I don't know if the initial statement was a lie or the claim that it's false was. I don't know if everything I remember is just distorted somehow. I don't know what to do. (aside: gaslighting? I’m inclined to say “effectively, yes”. The best explanation I have is that for many things he rewrote the narrative in his own mind and does not remember the things that blatantly contradict it. For other things, I cannot see that being possible and am forced to think it’s just pure lies). All of this could have been prevented if I accounted for people being dishonest.

(a) I lose sympathy. Genuinely did not ever expect this to happen. Enough hurt, enough deception and I stop trying to understand why. I assume malice. I expect malice in future interactions and misread situations as a result. In the beginning I made fucktons of effort to be understanding of things far from my typical range (hello, admissions of past violence and present homicidal ideation. Hello, talking someone out of real intention of ruining a person's life over a minor slight). Honestly, I think I overreached. Some of these things were not things I should have tolerated, accepted even. When I started walking on eggshells to not have him ruin my life, too, that was probably when I should've gotten out. He claimed that the people he cares about are exceptions. That's probably true, otherwise I would currently be in a ton of shit. But at some point I did stop believing it.

(b) I don't really think that most of the things that happened were malicious. Some, he admits, were. But mostly he wasn't out with the intention to hurt me, but he also didn't make the effort...not to. Even with me repeatedly complaining about things, he was defensive or dismissive, considering me talking about an issue to be me creating issues in his life. This is super shitty, his damage is caused by a stubborn ego fixation and sheer passivity, thoughtlessness (he has agreed to all of this in our final conversation), but it isn't exactly intentionally malicious. If he genuinely didn't believe there was a problem, that is an issue, and the fact that he utterly failed until the end to even consider the possibility of a valid complaint, is a very real flaw. He is bad insofar as "he is lazy and incompetent at being good". Which I can understand but nevertheless protect myself from. Ideally, sooner. At the point where I start feeling like someone is being shitty more often than not, something needs to happen. A discussion, a reconsideration, a run-as-fast-as-you-can... Something.

Idk. This isn't everything. But yeah.

* These 3 PDs are often used in illustrating the idea of pathologising difference: few of the criteria are about subjective distress and many about extrinsic value judgements of what a person should be like (lol, my clinical psych final had an essay question on this). I don't necessarily agree but it does speak to a shared thread of...something. That said, this characterisation is tbh still too broad for my liking. Importantly, it is definitively applicable to autistic people but I do not in general relate to that in the same way. Some specific manifestations of it, yes, but I have seen far too many excessively... 'human' autistic people to include the whole category. There are probably folks in the PD categories who are also like that but I think much less common.

#personal #emotions #reflections #relationships #personality disorder #possible tw abuse idk #if you're actually interested in reading probably best to do so tomorrow #not sure why I'm posting now in the first place #will reblog when I update #also needs links those are important

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weartirondad · 5 years

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Let In Light (At Christmas Time) 7/12

FF.net I ao3 I masterpost

Featuring Rhodey ‘cause there’s no Tones without Rhodey, tbqfh

Wednesday, December 19th: buying/ hiding gifts

“Hey Tones, I was wondering when you were planning on picking up –“

Rhodey breaks off and stops walking halfway through stepping into his best friend’s sanctum and workshop. His feet is hovering over the floor, leg braces whirring softly at the oddly timed halt.

“What the fuck,” he whispers softly when he can’t see past the first few meters of the lab because of the mess it is in and finally sets his foot down. “What the hell, Tony?”

And, James Rhodes knows messy. He’s known Tony for decades now and he’s familiar with the special kind of Tony Stark messes, but this? This is something else. What he is looking at right now puts messiness on a whole new level. Hell, it probably redefines the meaning of the word.

“Over here, honey bear!”

His best friend’s voice comes from the far end of the room, hidden behind various long pipes and piles of what looks like junk to a regular bystander and – is that glowing paint?

“Would you mind shutting the door and F.R.I.D.A.Y. put us into stealth mode again, please?”

Rhodey feels like an idiot but he can’t help staring at the messy shock of dark hair that’s peeking out from somewhere behind the – debris? That’s really the only word he can think of for this. “Stealth mode? What the fuck is going on here, Tony? Are you trying to blow yourself up again?”

“Language, platypus.”

He blinks. Then rubs his hand over his face in exhaustion because – what in the hell is he supposed to make of that? Has Tony been freaky-fridayed without telling anyone? (He probably shouldn’t be considering the option quite as seriously as he currently is.)

“Can you please come out of your cave and enlighten me what’s going on here?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he hears him mutter and shuffle through his materials, “give me a second. What are you here for anyway? Did you see the Christmas tree we put up? Pretty cool, right?”

That – that just stops him dead in his tracks for good like the final straw of sanity he has managed to hold on to through years of dealing with the man.

It’s not that putting up a Christmas tree is weird or unheard of. Just – that it kind of is.

In the all the years Rhodey has known Tony for, he has never been this excited about Christmas. Hell, he has never been excited about Christmas. Period.

When his parents were still alive, he used to hate all the public functions they would have to attend with Howard and not even his mum and Jarvis could really make up for how much Tony despised being put in the spotlights, especially during a time that was supposed to be quiet and peaceful. Christmas used to stress him out in his teenage years, would make him so anxious that he tried to hang out with Rhodey and his family whenever his father would allow.

Then came The Time After The Accident.

He’s not sure Tony has much recollection of the Christmas in 1991 but Rhodey does and it’s done enough of an impression on him to never let his best friend alone over Christmas again.

It didn’t matter whether there was a SI thing going on, some party or board meeting or whatever the heck could come up – Rhodey was either there with Tony or Tony wasn’t allowed to go at all.

For years he tried to hold on that much tighter around Christmas to not let him slip through his fingers again. He never wanted to see him that broken, that lost, that horribly gone ever again.

It got easier when Pepper came into the picture, especially when they started dating, but there’s still a big part of Rhodey that goes on high alert as soon as the holidays roll around. The unease to let Tony go on his merry way never really left and albeit he knows that the man is in a much better place now than he was before, he can’t help but worry.

It’s instinctual, so deeply ingrained that it has become second nature to him.

That usually means checking up every other day and this year that has mostly been limited to calls. Apparently, though, someone else has been looking after his friend and he has a pretty good guess that someone is also the one behind the whole Christmas Tree Miracle.

“You put up a Christmas tree?” he asks him when Tony has dug himself out of his own mess, oil-stained towel tucked into the back pocket of his jeans, Black-Sabbath- shirt hitched up to his elbows and a huge dorky grin on his face.

For a brief moment Rhodey wonders who that person is and what he has done with his best friend. Never, in a million years, would he have thought the man would smile so close to the 16th like he is now. It makes an anxious part of his heart settle for the first time in literal decades.

“We did,” the disaster on legs in front of him confirms, plopping down on the couch and motioning for Rhodey to join him which he does without hesitation, albeit more slowly. “Peter and I picked it up yesterday and, you know how much I hate patting myself on the back, but I think we did a pretty fantastic job. You should take a look before you head out again.”

The other man lets out a laugh, leaning back into the soft pillows and he slowly relaxes into the conversation. “I can’t even begin to imagine how much it must’ve hurt you to make that statement,” he jokes, “But what on earth have you been doing back there?”

“Uh,” Tony rubs his ear, smearing some of the dirt still on his hands into his temple and he looks downright sheepish. “Well, I’ve been working on Christmas presents. For Peter mostly,” he adds as if there has been any doubt in Rhodey’s mind about that at all.

“I have no clue what to get him, Rhodey,” he whines when he’s only met with a chuckle, “I’ve been working on a smart watch with panic button, integrated A.I. and all that jazz and I’ve been thinking about a car, obviously, or maybe upgrades for his suit? But he’s getting those anyway! Or what about –“

“Tony, Tones,” Rhodey breaks off his rambling, “Breathe, alright? Just. Breathe.”

Of course he doesn’t listen. When has Tony Stark ever been able to listen to anyone?

“The thing is – I’d be giving him this stuff anyway! He’s just – What am I supposed to get him that is special? I’m awful at this.”

“I honestly think you’re overthinking this,” he tells him quietly, hand coming out to rest on Tony’s knee to make him look at him and to ground him before he hyperventilates. “You know Peter and you know he doesn’t really want any of that –“ He shushes him with a raise of his hand before he can argue, “Of course he’d be over the moon if you got him any of that stuff but think about something that would make him really happy, Tony. He likes your tech good enough but do you know what he really loves?”

God bless this mess of a human being who just gives a halfhearted clueless shrug.

“You, Tony. That kid adores you and if you want my advice, I’d say get him something personal, something only you will ever be able to give him. No matter how small it might be, it’s going to be the biggest fucking gesture you can make. It’s going to mean the world to him.”

“Language.”

Rhodey laughs at him but Tony’s not even in the same room with him anymore. He’s jumped up and has started bustling about the room, pulling out papers and blue prints and sending them flying to the floor again, all the while muttering to himself like a maniac.

“Will you be okay?”

“What? Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Thanks a lot. Oh and don’t forget to look at that tree! Gotta get back to work! Love you, bye!”

He leaves him to his work after that, still reveling in the fact that his best friend seems fine. Genuinely, legitimately fine.

For the first time in years he doesn’t have a lump in his throat when he’s leaving him to his own devices because he’s working on something fundamentally good, a Christmas present for his sort-of-son. He’s not biding his time until the next panic attack hits or riding out his anxiety by coming up with new blueprints for some fancy new tech. It’s a long way from where he’s been. It’s progress.

Making his way upstairs to the penthouse Rhodey briefly considers warning Pepper about the changes in her fiancé but ultimately thinks better of it, a little smile tugging on his lips when he tries to imagine the baffled look in her eyes when she realizes what a sap he has become over the week she’s been making deals on the other side of the Earth.

Although, come to think of it, Pepper probably knows already. She’s ridiculously intuitive in handling Tony and foreseeing his mood swings, it’s downright scary sometimes. She’s truly a –

“Woah.”

Yet again his train of thoughts gets interrupted and he’s left speechless at the sight of the huge ass Christmas tree that’s shining with what looks like at least a thousand fairy lights, topped off with tinsel and a finishing touch of wooden hangers.

It’s not just the tree, though, the whole living room has been turned into the epitome of Christmas. There are glowing stars and corny stockings, an expensive-looking wooden pyramid turning ever so slowly and a nutcracker next to a bowl of walnuts and mandarins and candles, so many candles in all sizes, colors and forms.

Most importantly, though, and almost a part of the scene is the teenager crouched down in front of it, looking completely at home right where he is, albeit a little jittery with a neatly wrapped parcel in his arms.

He’s about to make his presence known when the boy turns around with a small wave of his hand.

Right, enhanced teenage superhero, he forgets that sometimes.

“What are you up to?” Rhodey asks him closing the distance until he’s standing beside him and then, because it feels weird to just tower over the much smaller kid, goes to take a seat next to him – carefully situating himself, mindful of his legs.

When he hears the soft whirring of the prosthetics, Peter scrambles to help him adjust, almost dropping the present he has been holding onto in the process. Only when the older man is comfortable, does he answer.

He looks sheepish, mirroring Tony’s expression from just minutes earlier to a tee.

“I, uh, I wanted to be the first one to put a present underneath the tree. And, uh, I,” he meets his eyes conspirationally, “I think Mister Stark is already working on his gift and, uh, it’s probably going to be something super fancy and if I get more time to think about it I’ll probably just throw it away because I’ll realize that it can never be good enough but right now I still feel pretty good about it, so basically I’m forcing myself not to back out by already putting it here where everyone can see it.”

To Rhodey’s delight he takes in a deep breath after finishing, seeing as he has completely forgotten to stock up on air while talking. Really, he gets why Tony loves this kid so much. They’re basically the same person.

“That sounds like a good plan,” he tells him, “And I’m sure Tony’s going to love it.” He loves you, kid. He really does. I hope it tells you that, too.

Peter smiles a little at that, fingers drumming on the package in an irregular pattern, “I think so, too. At least, I hope so. Anyway, what are you doing here, Mister Rhodes? Do you need anything?”

“I went to check up on Tony and when he mentioned a Christmas tree I just had to see it for myself,” he tells him with a grin and points to the huge thing with his thumb, “Gotta say I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

“It’s amazing,” the teenager agrees, smile spreading until his whole face is alight with joy and his eyes sparkle with the Christmas lights they’re reflecting.

“Also,” Rhodey adds because suddenly he feels like he needs to say this at least once and who knows when he’ll next meet the kid without his hovering mentor. “I wanted to thank you.”

Peter frowns, genuine confusion evident in his eyes. “What for?”

“Just,” the older man sighs and meets his gaze, trying to convey how much he means his next words with his eyes alone, “Just for being you and for being here. I have never seen Tony this happy on Christmas and you’re a big part of the reason why. So, thank you for giving him something to celebrate this year.”

As if just realizing what a major role he’s playing in his mentor’s life Peter’s expression morphs from surprise to determination. Rhodey watches in awe how he shoulders the responsibility that comes with it without missing a beat and straightens his posture, truly looking like the superhero he is and a lot more mature than most adults he knows.

“Mister Stark deserves happiness, especially on Christmas,” he declares seriously, “It’s the least I can do, after,” he waves his hand in the air, “after everything he did for me.”

“Still, thank you,” Rhodey repeats earnestly, gratefully and then, because this is getting too serious for such a joyous occasion asks, “So. What did you get him?”

Peter’s eyes go wide in excitement. “But you have to swear not to tell anyone.”

What do you think Peter’s getting Tony? And what is Tony going to end up making for his kid? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

#12fluffydaysofchristmas2018 #12fluffydaysofchristmas #irondad #iron dad #irondad fic #iron dad fic #peter parker #tony stark #james rhodes #josis fic #let in light (at christmas time)#christmas #fluff #christmas fluff

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a-queer-seminarian · 6 years

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a masterpost of all the sermons i’ve preached

just because i feel like having them all in one place!

all of these links lead to audio of me preaching and a transcipt of the sermon. i include an excerpt from each sermon, and i’ve put the titles of the sermons i’m proudest of in bold.

“The Neighbors Nobody Wants,” Luke 10:25-37

My first sermon! Preached at University Presbyterian Church (now called Grace Presbyterian Church) on July 20, 2016

How often have you put the word Christian in quotation marks when you’re talking about “those Christians”, you know the ones, who claim to serve God with one breath and oppress LGBT people with the next! Those “Christians,” who drive anyone different from them away from their churches and refuse to bake cakes for same sex couples — we put them in quotation marks because we all know they’re not really Christians, am I right? Wrong. Their perspectives may range from mildly dissimilar to fundamentally at odds with our own when it comes to various issues, and yet — we share a God with them. We share a Savior with them, and even more intimately, a Body. They may not like it any more than we do, but we are all part of the Body of Christ. This is even more intimate than being neighbors with them, which is pretty intimate in itself — this is a matter of beating as one heart, listening for the same voice with the same ears, walking the earth with the same feet. It’s hard to admit it, but these are neighbors we have turned away from, have given up on. And these are also neighbors who have been the robbers in our own stories, beating us and denouncing us for being LGBT or even just supporting those who are. And maybe we have good reason for calling them “false” Christians — maybe we do it because they first did it to us. But if any healing will ever happen in this beautiful, bruised, broken Body of Christ, both sides need to drop the quotation marks. No more Christians versus “Christians.” Because what right do we have to judge who is or isn’t really Christian?

“Silence,” Esther 8:9-14

Preached at Louisville Seminary chapel for its More Light (LGBT) service, October 2016

Listen. I know how your heart speeds up when you try to speak up— my heart does too. I know the lump that forms in your throat (that’s Silence, trying to stop you from speaking) and when you speak anyway, maybe people will be mad. Maybe you’ll have to fight. Maybe you’ll even lose. But speak anyway. And if you have to fight, then fight not with swords but with words, not with violence but with love and truth. If we speak, the scars of silences once carried will map themselves into a vision of a future where no one needs to bury themselves to stay alive.

“Called from Conformity into Renewal,” Romans 12 (only a transcript for this one)

Preached at Louisville Seminary chapel for its preach-in service in solidarity with Princeton Theological Seminary during their preach-in in protest of raising the voice of Tim Keller, who is against LGBT+ people and women being ordained, on their campus; April 2017

“Do not be conformed to this world,” they reminded me. “This world,” according to them, was one that was all too lax in terms of sexuality and gender. “This world” celebrated being LGBT to the point that it was practically a trend, so that everyone these days thought they were gay or bi or ace or trans. Wow, I would love to find “this world” these guys claimed to be living in.

“Taking Up the Cross and Finding Life,” Mark 8:27-36 (link leads to a video and transcript instead of audio)

Preached at Louisville Seminary chapel for its More Light (LGBT) service, October 2017

The world tells me these things — my gender, my love— are just my cross to bear – and to bury, that I need to suffer because somehow these things are sins, that’s right – my love, love! the pair of wings God fixed on my shoulders to help me fly to Them is actually a heavy weight, a sin, a sickness – but God knows I have seen far too many of my people nail themselves to that cross, bleed out as you watched to think for a moment that God is the one who placed that cross on our shoulders.

“Song in Babylon: Joy as Resistance,” Jeremiah 29

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on November 26, 2017

Maybe sometimes, resistance is not about big actions, about battles, about outright rebellion. Maybe sometimes, resistance is the simple decision to keep living, to not give those who would see you crushed the satisfaction. God is asking Their chosen to do the impossible -- to keep on farming and having families right there in exile -- because God knows this is what will enable them to survive. God tells the people to multiply in Babylon, and not to decrease – because choosing to waste away in their grief, to flicker and fade into nothing while they wait for God to lead them home, would be the act of surrender. To plant and grow, to celebrate marriages and births and the simple pleasures of daily life – that is the act of resistance.

“Talking to Strangers,” John 4:1-30, 39-42

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on January 28, 2018

I invite you to imagine the kind of person you would be shocked to be asked for something from. For me, it would be a certain brand of Christian. For an extreme version, think of a Westboro Baptist Christian, who literally wants people like me dead. For a less extreme version, I think of my girlfriend’s parents, who shudder at the mere mention of me. I can’t imagine them asking me for water, making me aware of their need. And besides, wouldn’t sharing a cup with me give them, like, queer cooties or something? Reverse the image, now. Whom would you never be caught dead asking for something from? Would I dare to ask one of those types of Christians for water? Or would I decide there’s no use asking, of course they’d never share with the likes of me. Why should I put myself at their mercy like that only to be turned down?

“ ‘Who Sinned?’ -- Re-thinking Disability and Centering the Marginalized in Their Own Stories,” John 9:1-38

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on February 11, 2018

One of the stranger conversations I’ve had in my life involved me mentioning to an acquaintance that I was autistic. I was not prepared for their response: “Oh no! What happened?”I had no clue what answer they were expecting. What happened? Um...I was born?

“I AM the Light of the World,” John 8:12-18

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on February 25, 2018

The light that Jesus brings is not always comfortable. It’s the dentist’s lamp that sears into your eyes, makes your pupils shrink in pain – but is necessary as something that can illuminate the dark recesses of your mouth. Without that light, the dentist won’t be able to identify the buildup of plaque, the wearing down of gums, the signs of cavity. It’s not about judging what you’ve done to your teeth – it’s about making things right. Are you ready to let that light into your life? Are you ready for the transformation it brings?

“I AM the Vine,” John 15

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on March 25, 2018

Saint Catherine of Siena, a nun from the fourteenth century, has a slightly different vision of what it means for Jesus and humanity to be joined as one plant; here are her words: “And you, high eternal Trinity, ...When you saw that this tree could bear no fruit but the fruit of death because it was cut off from you who are life, you came to its rescue with the same love with which you had created it: you engrafted your divinity into the dead tree of our humanity.” ...I appreciate Saint Catherine’s conception of grafting [because] grafting together plants of a different species is tricky business; often,the two prove to be incompatible. But in this story we find that, by some miracle, divinity and humanity are two compatible “plants,” that somehow, our created state can be joined to our Creator’s state. ...

"The Remorseful Cry,” 2 Samuel 18 (that link leads to the transcript; see here for a video recording)

Preached in my basic preaching class on April 1, 2018

We are called to an expansive love, a love that cares for our most distant neighbor as much as our closest friend, a love that extends even over our enemy. If we love in this way, things will get much more complicated, and much messier. After all, if we love the casual acquaintance at work and the stranger on the street as truly as we love our sibling or parent or partner, we’ll be compelled to look and notice how our individual decisions are affecting their lives. We will find that our tiny sphere of personal relationships creates ripples that spread much further out.

“The Wounds of Jesus: Goodness Embodied,” John 20

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on April 8, 2018

Christianity has been deeply influenced by the dualism of Greco-Roman thought, which claims that the spiritual is good and the physical is bad, that we are most godly when we can escape the “cage” of bodily desires. We strip all manner of physicality from our conceptions of heaven, letting it become some abstract realm in the clouds where spirits whiz around free of their bodies. And I totally get the appeal of this vision of heaven – there is a lot that I do not love about my own body. People gender me wrong because of it, for one thing; and it’s susceptible to pain; and my skin and eyes and ears are overly sensitive, often leading to distress; and I absolutely hate getting sick, who doesn’t? ...But this favoring of the spiritual over the physical, glorifying the former and demonizing the latter, cannot be the whole picture – not when God shaped those bodies in the Beginning and called them Good; not when Jesus rose from the dead not only spiritually but bodily.

“Jesus Gets Schooled,” Mark 7:1-8, 15, 24-30

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on May 6, 2018

In this story the humanity of our divine-and-human Jesus is at the forefront. At first it shows us the ugliest parts of that humanity, the tendency towards prejudice that all of us have...but, thanks to his willingness to hear the woman out we will see this ugliness transform into one of the most beautiful parts of human nature: the ability to learn, to change our minds, to improve ourselves.

“When the Good News Feels Like Bad News,” Amos 7:7-15 and Mark 6:14-29

Preached at Grace Presbyterian Church in Tuscaloosa on July 15, 2008

Following in the footsteps of the prophets is no easy thing – it’s an often uncomfortable, sometimes dangerous or costly, frequently thankless task. People receive the good news like it is bad news – because from the perspective of the world, it is. God’s good news of social norms turned on their heads, of liberation of those who are dehumanized and exploited, demands major changes, changes that will come with losses. We may lose some friendships, some comforts, some unfair advantages in order to reach the new heaven and earth. We will all die a little before we are raised up utterly transformed.

“Radical Rest: The Fourth Commandment,” Exodus 20:1-11

Preached at Covenant Community Church in Louisville on August 19, 2018

It’s my favorite of the Ten Commandments, even though I cannot claim to follow it very well. Who can, these days? Who can say they take off a whole day every week just to rest? It’s impossible, for most of us. ...And that’s why I love the command to rest one day every week: I love it because it seems impossible. Because if we were to achieve it, it would be a radical thing. Because God does not instruct us to have this Sabbath rest only for ourselves, but for “you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.” In the days of the Bible, children were subject to the whims of their father, livestock to their farmers, slaves to their masters–they could only rest if he said they could. ... For God to declare that these people must be allowed to rest alongside the people in power is a command for equity, for justice.

#worship #sermon tag #sermons #log #masterpost

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saiyanshewolf · 6 years

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Anyway so I’m apparently in the minority but I loved a lot about TLJ.

1. Rey.

I have never identified with someone so much.

Let me preface this with: Kylo Ren is a manchild with anger issues who throws temper tantrums where people end up dead. He is the EPITOME of “cool motive, still murder.” I am not making excuses for Kylo Ren.

Now:

Kylo Ren is a terrible person who has done terrible things, but Rey still thinks she can save him.

I get that that is exactly why people are pissed: the fact that a female character like Rey spends the movie trying to rescue an unbalanced, hateful man like Kylo Ren. The trope of pure-girl-from-the-archetypal-light-side rescuing the dark-broody-violent-boy-from-the-archetypal-dark-side with her Goodness and Love is a very tired one indeed, and what young girls take from stories like that is that if they are good enough, if they just love them enough, if they put up with enough, the man will change.

In reality, however, that rarely (if ever) happens, and girls are often left feeling like something is wrong - that they’re not doing enough and it’s their fault that the man they’re with isn’t healing.

In TLJ, however, the point is that Rey doesn’t rescue Kylo Ren. She doesn’t save him.

But she tries.

She tries because she is a fundamentally good person. She tries because she does not want to fight when there’s a chance she can make an ally. She tries because she wants to believe the best of people. Most of all she tries because she comes to understand what turned Ben Solo into Kylo Ren.

She tries, and for a short period of time they are allies (their fight scene teamup was gorgeous and I’m not sorry).

Their alliance is short lived, however, and then Kylo Ren asks her to join him. He tells her the truth about her parents and he does it with blunt cruelty (which could come from either a place of manipulation of a place or awkwardness, but it is cruel either way; intentions, the road to hell, etc). He tells her that she is nothing and then immediately tells her that he does not think she is nothing, perhaps the most manipulative line he has (again, intentions, road to hell). In a callback to Anakin and Padme, Kylo Ren begs Rey to stay with him and rule to galaxy. And yes, he does beg. Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley’s acting was lovely in that moment; I really felt how desperately he wanted her to say yes, how deeply they both wanted someone by their sides who understood them.

And yet.

(“You’re breaking my heart. You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”)

Padme’s words, not Rey’s, but they’re appropriate nonetheless. Rey cannot and will not follow Kylo Ren. She tried to help him. He failed her - like we all knew he would - but she tried.

What does she do then? What does she do when she realizes that Kylo Ren is refusing to change his ways, that he is, in fact, asking her to join him, to accommodate him?

She leaves.

Do you understand what that would have meant to my dumb, impressionable little 13 year old self?

To see a story where the girl actually leaves when the broken man she’s trying to save refuses her help?

A story where she leaves and doesn’t die shortly afterward (like Padme)? Where she doesn’t languish in misery and self-loathing afterward? Where she leaves him and makes an active effort to oppose him and all he stands for?

My entire life I’ve had a problem with wanting to fix men, to save them, because that’s what I’d been taught was my job. The media I passively consumed had normalized that kind of behavior to the point that I didn’t even begin to think twice about it until I was almost in my mid-twenties. I was made to believe that if I just stuck with them, that if I endured their bullshit and showed them how patient and loving I could be even when they were downright cruel, they would eventually change.

I endured years of shitty treatment, of straight up emotional abuse, and not a goddamn one of them ever changed.

Rey tries. She tries to help Kylo Ren because she’s a good, kind person, because she senses his pain, because she’s empathetic, and sure, maybe because she’s also a little bit naive.

She tries, and he fails her, and Rey leaves.

Rey leaves and finds the rebellion. She leaves and does something to combat the man she was trying so hard to save, because he refused her help.

It seems like a ridiculous thing to be happy about, I know. I understand if people think that the better message would be in Rey refusing to try to help him, period, and that’s certainly a valid point of view. For me personally, however, that would remove the main reason that I identified with Rey to begin with: her empathy, her desire to help others who are suffering, her ability to see the potential for good in others, no matter what.

Rey doesn’t save him. She isn’t killed by him. She isn’t destroyed by not being able to save him. It isn’t presented as some failure on her part that she doesn’t save him.

Little girl me DESPERATELY needed that particular message.

Rey trying to help Kylo Ren and leaving when he ultimately fails her is, for me personally, more powerful than if she had never tried to help him at all.

2. The multiple failures, narrow escapes, and near misses.

Rey isn’t able to break through Kylo Ren to bring Ben Solo back.

The legendary Luke Skywalker, in a moment of weakness, a moment of fear, a moment of humanness, raises his lightsaber against his sleeping nephew...and when he is caught, disaster ensues.

As a result, the Luke Skywalker that Rey finds is not who she expects him to be.

The rebels lose all their bombing fleet and are tracked across space by the First Order, having their ships picked off one by one.

Finn and Rose do not find the hacker they were looking for, and are betrayed by the hacker they do find.

Finn, Rose, and Poe’s plan to remove the tracker and escape the First Order fails.

The First Order picks off the rebels’ transport ships as they try to escape.

The base the rebels escape to is decrepit and they are essentially trapped there waiting to be killed; many more of them are killed as they try to take down the ram.

Almost every single turn of the story seems hopeless. General Leia herself admits to giving up hope.

Until Luke Skywalker gets his shit together long enough to exploit Kylo Ren’s weakness, buying them time to escape...and even then there is the disappointment that it isn’t “really” Luke, that the concentration required saps him so completely that he dies.

Even when the rebels do try to escape, their path is blocked, leaving them vulnerable.

Until Rey appears...and lifts the rocks.

There is very little hope to be had in TLJ, but there is hope. There is always hope, no matter how faint.

That, I think, is a very good and very important message...particularly given the current political climate.

Which brings me to...

3. The way TLJ paints its villains and the way it chose to portray the ultra-rich.

Snoke was a frightening villain. Snoke was an intelligent villain...to a point.

Snoke underestimated Kylo Ren...which ought to make Kylo Ren a more frightening villain, but that isn’t what happens.

Kylo Ren killing Snoke really illustrates the selfishness and self absorption inherent in the dark side, I think. Snoke didn’t believe that Kylo Ren would dare. He does dare, however, and he does kill Snoke. It’s almost too easy...almost anti-climatic.

Snoke was a frightening villain, but he was self absorbed enough not to see his own death coming...thus he is replaced by Kylo Ren, who is really not a frightening villain at all. We have only to look at Hux to see that: he refers to Kylo Ren as Supreme Leader only under the duress of being force-choked, and even after that he is barely able to conceal his irration with Kylo Ren’s petulant demands to fire everything they have on a single man; he even makes a snarky comment to the effect of “Do you think you got him?”

Would anyone speak to Darth Vader like that? (As in original trilogy Vader, prior to the context of the prequels.)

Darth Vader was terrifying. Kylo Ren is not. You’re meant to hate him, but...

A lot of people who are fond of characters like Kylo Ren don’t hate him because they understand why he turned to the dark side. I myself tend to fall into this category with a lot of villains. I don’t defend what these characters have done (cool motive, still murder) but I do believe that understanding the why makes them more interesting characters. I’m not going to get into a debate about “is it okay to like villainous characters” because that’s not something I’m interested in, but this view seems to focus on the fact that Kylo Ren is a fictional character, rather than who that character would be as a real person.

For others, I think that hatred of Kylo Ren as a villain manifests as a really dull, disgusted sort of hatred: he’s angry, volatile, angsty, and violent, a manchild who throws temper tantrums at the slightest provocation. There’s little real fear there, and what fear there is is full of that same disgust, almost as if you’re disgusted that you have to be afraid of such a person.

That being said...what kind of people are running our country right now? Yeah.

I also really enjoyed the scenes on the gambling planet and how all the ultra-rich assholes there were very obviously portrayed as exploitative assholes. There’s not much else for me to say on that point. It was pretty thinly veiled.

TLJ is, I think, a movie about not giving in, no matter what. (“Never tell me the odds.”) Rose and Finn don’t give in even when the First Order literally has their boots on the backs of their necks. Rey doesn’t give in when Luke first refuses her and she doesnt give in to Kylo Ren no matter how much she wants to help him; Luke gives in to his moment of fear, and then later on doesn’t give in to the fear that has been keeping him uninvolved for so long. The rebellion itself never, ever, ever gives in despite incredible, overwhelming losses.

...but all that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

#adrienne has opinions #tlj opinion post

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semi-anonyme · 4 years

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June 10, 2020

12:25pm

A bit of a vulnerable entry here, but I think these are some things I need to get off my chest and out into the world so that I can be more honest and in tune and open rather than holding onto this heavy weight that has been exhausting me emotionally for months (years?).

I have a few huge, ominous limiting beliefs in my life that affect a.) what I aspire to do, b.) what I actually do, c.) what I do instead.

Just to be brutally honest here to the few people who do follow this tumblr, one of my biggest limiting beliefs is this: that I have to a choose between a practical life of work, love, and simple pleasures or a life of creativity, solitude, and honesty to myself.

When I'm feeling extra creative, I end up having weeks like last week where I worked on my programming project for 6 hours + practiced piano for 6 hours + worked out/danced at the park for 4+ hours. I started adding authentication mechanisms in my programming side project, my chord changes on a walking bass line were starting to smooth out a bit. I felt good and honest but also a little bit exhausted, too.

When that exhaustion and isolation gets a bit intense, I begin to ask myself "what's the fucking point" and it leads to days or weeks where I'm spinning in circles justifying why I should or should not pursue these things, feeling like a shell of a person because I'm not allowing myself to enjoy the fruits of my white collar labor like my friends and colleagues are, feeling that my pursuits are empty and selfish and you know I'm going to die anyway what does it all matter whether I create something cool.

I've been going through The Artist's Way (somewhat diligently) and one of the things that Julia Cameron points out is this a very, very, very common limiting belief among those who feel creatively stuck, this deeply embedded belief and conflict that you're either practical or artistic, one or the other and can't be both. I know that this is a limiting and untrue belief at my core because there are plenty of people I look up to who have both great careers and are creatively fulfilled but I really have to do the work to dismantle this idea.

One of the fundamental principles of the program is to relearn that creation and creativity is the natural state of affairs for humans, that when we are feeling "blocked" it's usually due to the accumulation of negative experiences and reciting the comments of critics over the years.

I find that to be true. When I'm walking down the street and for whatever reason I come up with a rhyme ("damn her language is so crass/silly sally slap that ass") it's just fun and entertaining. When I sit down to write a short story and the first paragraph initially seems kind of good but then I start comparing it to Hemingway and the comparison takes the impact out of my words, that's when it becomes not fun.

Basically, we have to recover a sense of safety and excitement in creating rather than the suspicion and comparison that we've been accustom to as adults. In the program, you do that by reciting your affirmations in the morning about the importance of your creativity, write out the thoughts in your head free from criticism ("letting God flow through you"), go on dates with yourself to do fun and creative things, and other exercises that I haven't quite gotten to.

When I'm being really honest and level-headed, the life I imagine for myself is this: the next few years, as I work a full time job and save a little money and pay off debts, I work really hard learning how to program my side projects so that I have both a good architectural overview of how complex systems work together. With those in hand, I can 1.) create fully functional projects from scratch and 2.) have good starting templates for projects so that I can freelance and be my own boss whenever I really need $$$. I mention this because i think my career as a programmer/the things I want to create are certainly creative.

I also work really hard learning my piano/synths work so I can start expressing myself musically and appreciating the music that I love. Basically, when I get to a point where I can structure my time more autonomously doing freelance shit in a few years, I want to have the building blocks and a strong foundation to start setting down bricks -- as a programmer, musician, writer.

But when I'm in the throes of stagnation, that's when I really start to question it all: wouldn't it be easier to just find a nice woman to date and travel with? Let's focus on engineering a bit so I can travel the world. Let's take my salary and live in Laos. Let's go to Mexico and have sex in a villa on the beach. Let's get really hot and get 100k Instagram Followers, take photos of the Mai Tais we're drinking and shit. Let's settle down in a cute bungalow house in Nashville. Yeah, yeah, yeah... do that. What the fuck am I doing? Who do I think I am? I'm not Donald Glover, I'm not some genius Silicon Valley engineer.

It's in these situations I find myself kind of self-sabotaging. I spend more time thinking than doing. I discount the little wins I was celebrating.

I drink beer and eat cookies.

That's another really dense limiting belief that I have that I've never written about before and I'm a little bit ashamed to write but fuck it here I am, self-sabotage not just with regards to overthinking the direction of my life and trying to "think myself out of a thought" but also when it comes to my physical appearance.

I made really big, sweeping declarations in January (2020/2019/2018) about dropping weight which have not come to fruition. It is both absolutely surprising and no surprise at all that my weight always hovers between 148 and 152 (I am 5′6″)

It's absolutely surprising in the sense that I'm not really a big foodie (my go to meal of avocado+roast beef+toast is 700 calories, eaten twice a day), I don't really care to eat terribly unhealthy food (when I'm sober), and my physical activity is certainly above average.

It's unsurprising though in that my ways of coping with stress involve eating very unhealthy sweets and drinking very high ABV (read: super calorie dense) beers.

Obviously, fucking cheesecake and hazy IPAs those aren't going to help my physical appearance, but I mention where my weight hovers around for a reason. I hope this doesn't seem like a flex, and dude this is such a weird thing to write about but I really am trying to be honest here, but when I start really dropping weight I get a lot of attention from women. While that may seem super desirable (and yeah who doesn't want to be desired), the reason I mention my weight range between 148 and 152 is that this is my "comfortably chubby" range, where I don't feel too entirely confident (I start looking pretty trim at 145, which is coincidentally the weight I can wear my favorite shirt and jeans) but also not disgusting (I really hate the way I look at 155+).

When I'm comfortably chubby and I'm not getting much attention from women, the fact is, I don't have to make hard decisions as much -- you know, why intensify the conflict of "comfortable living and settling down with a partner I love" vs "creative life of solitude" and make it that much more difficult by throwing romance into it all. Add in some fears of abandonment to the mix and it makes a compelling argument for me to stay comfortably invisible. But in the end, I end up occupying this No Man's Land space where, at my core as a romantic, I deprive myself of the love that I'd like to be in while being safe from the world shaking repercussions that falling in love brings about. I have never written that out before. Talked about it with my therapist a bit but I think the only reason I feel comfortable writing that out, all of this, is because I want to have a relationship with my closest friends where I'm open about my mental struggles rather than vocal when things are going my way and quiet when things are not, as well as to say, you know what, I'm fucking done occupying this space of false safety where I am neither committing to practical nor creative, closing myself off to the possibility of love and tough decisions, falling back to the same sort of coping mechanisms that have led me down the same dead ended roads over and over again, you know. I’m going to dismantle these beliefs I have about myself and the world. I’m done with them.

I have a lot of work to do. But the work has never really scared me, it was always the prospect of choosing a path and closing off the possibility of going down other paths that has always felt debilitating and daunting to me. But I have to have faith, you know, that choosing is the only option, and being cool with that choice, and knowing that life is good regardless of where that path takes me, that being alive is good no matter how many rules I've thrown on top of it.

Anyway.

How’s that for a fucking Wednesday.

Logs, btw: https://semi-anonyme.blog/logs

#self #text post #vulnerability #the artists way

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