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darthkruge · 3 years

Note

Okay okay okay so imagine Reader is abducted by the separatists because she ( or nb reader ) is a very well loved member of the senate. So obviously Anakin goes to save her, but his idiot plan gets him captured as well so then it's up to Reader to talk her way out of this mess, get to her idiot boyfriend, free him and then both of them try to make it out alive. Bonus points for Obi-Wan looking very tired and sick of Anakin's ideas in the background. What do you think?

Anakin Skywalker x Fem!Reader ~ Rescue Operations?

Summary: After the Reader is captured by the Separatists, Anakin rushes to save her. When this doesn’t work out, the Reader has to get her and her boyfriend out of this mess.

Warnings: Language, whump, one scene where the Reader gets beat up, Reader is a badass, Anakin is completely in love with his badass girlfriend and we love that for him

Words: 3.8k

A/N: Catherine, my love!! I’m sorry this took me so long, I have nothing to say for myself other than my poor organization skills. But I’m obsessed with this request, I hope I did it justice <3

gif credit (x)

You groaned as you opened your eyes and attempted to shake the drowsiness that seemed to cling to your very bones. You blinked, trying to get your bearings and remember what had happened. You were preparing for your speech at the Senate, trying to pass a peace treaty between the Republic and some smaller territories that were debating joining the fight against the Separatists. You’d been fighting for support for the treaty for months and you finally had the chance to give one last speech before the vote.

You’d been pacing in your Coruscant apartment, practicing the speech for your boyfriend a million times. After you finished your recitation, you exited the room, needing to get your notes that you’d seemed to misplace. So you went into your office and… nothing.

Why couldn’t you remember after that?! You opened the door to your office, walked inside, and…

You sighed as you came back to the present, leaning against the wall behind you and looking around. You were clearly in a cell of some sort and the Separatists were almost certainly behind this. You were still in your Senate attire, although it had been thoroughly scuffed up, and they’d taken your datapad and other communication devices. You felt around your boot and smiled. Your knife was still there. They must have assumed you wouldn’t be carrying a weapon to your speech and not done a thorough enough check. Whatever the reason, you were thanking the Maker it was still there.

Back in Coruscant, Anakin was walking the Temple halls in a crazed state. When you didn’t show up for your speech, he immediately panicked. He knew how important this treaty was for you and the entire Republic; you’d been going over it for forever and there is no way you’d just blow it off without telling anyone. The rest of the Senate was also concerned. You’d grown up in one of the poorer districts and, thus, had a sense of relatability and humility that most were drawn to. Whether or not they agreed with your policies, almost everyone could understand that you always kept the interest of the people at the forefront of your mind.

When Obi-Wan walked up to him with a ripped piece of your clothes and your scattered and crumpled notes, Anakin felt his heart drop.

“It was the Separatists. They must have knocked her out in her office and escaped through the vents.”

Upon seeing his absolutely heartbroken expression, Obi-Wan added, “We’ll get her back, Anakin. I promise.”

Anakin could only nod, ideas for a plan to save you already running round his head.

You’d been in this kriffing cell for four days now. Or maybe it was five? You were desperately trying to keep your wits about you but it was so hard; they brought you a tiny ration of food and water once a day and it was not near enough to keep your strength up. You’d spent your time trying to carve your way through the bars but your knife was no match and you quickly gave up, not wanting to dull the blade. You’d found a loose brick hidden around the floor and used the knife to cut it out, allowing you to hide your weapon under it on the off chance they searched you again.

You tried to think of a plan to escape but they hadn’t even opened your door yet. There was no way you could get out by yourself and, until someone came in that you could attack, it was pointless to even try. They kept you in complete darkness and silence, no way to tell how much time had passed aside from the daily rations. You assumed you were on a Separatist base but that proved unhelpful; they were widespread and the cell held no defining features of climate or location. You had tried calling out to see if anyone else was around. Each time, you were met with your own echo.

You stilled, hearing footsteps approach you. A Separatist guard opened your cell door, roughly pulling you out. You yelped, legs not cooperating after so long of sitting in the cramped cell. He led you into another room that was barely brighter than your own. Sizing up the guard, you felt fear creep in. No matter how hard you tried to banish your anxieties, knowing they’d only serve to lessen your already shaken focus, it was sometimes impossible.

“Tell us which planets are deserting.” He commanded.

You met his stare evenly, refusing to let your fear betray you. There was absolutely no chance you’d tell him anything. As soon as the Separatists learned which planets were thinking about joining the Republic, they’d send armies to wipe them out immediately. You refused to let that happen.

“Fine. Be that way.” The man pulled his fist back and sent it into your cheek, the impact sending sparks of pain throughout your entire body. He brought his foot up, kicking you in the gut and you fell harshly onto the floor. He grabbed you by your hair, hoisting up your body as if it were a ragdoll. You gathered your strength and spit in his face, enjoying the way his smug look disappeared. In retaliation, he slammed you into the wall, the impact making stars cloud your vision.

The man released you and you fell, your consciousness already starting to detach from your body. You tried to reason with yourself, hoping logic would aid you. This is a trauma response. I’m not going to die. My body can take this. I will black out, but I will wake up again. They’re not going to kill me. They need me alive. I’m not going to die. I’m not going to die. Somehow, the hardest part is this was banishing the thoughts of that beautiful boy from your head. You knew that if you allowed yourself to think of him, to fathom how he would blame himself should this be your end, you would give in.

Instead, you focussed on the physical pain you felt, on the rage you channeled to this guard. You hated how weak you felt, how exhausted you were. You allowed your mind to hone in on all the ways you could hurt this man, given you had your full strength. You let yourself hate yourself, appalled at how you couldn’t even fight back. With every punch he threw at you, you went further into your head, into the one place this man couldn’t touch. Eventually, your mind started spinning from dehydration, pain, and overexertion. All you could do was curl into a fetal position and hope it somehow stopped.

“What do you mean you’re going to find her?” Obi-Wan said, running after Anakin.

“It’s been days, Obi-Wan, days. There are only so many Separatist bases in the galaxy and Y/N’s on one of them.”

“Anakin, don’t you think they’ve planned for a rescue mission?! This is Senator L/N we’re talking about! And they took her right before the vote, this was clearly a thought-out attack, stop acting like it’s simple!”

“It is simple! Those Separatist assholes have Y/N. And it’s been days. What if she thinks we forgot about her? What if she thinks we’ve given up? They could be doing fucking anything to her and I’m not going to let her stay there for another minute!”

“Anakin-” Obi-Wan began but Anakin waved him off.

“I’m sorry, Master. But if the Council won’t do anything, I will.”

“Anakin, the Council is trying! They just don’t have enough troops right now to send a full rescue mission after one Senator. They just want a few more days, then some troops should be back from their missions and you can have your full battalion.” Obi-Wan took a breath and lowered his voice, empathy for his friend clear in his words. “I know you love her. I want her back, too, you know. I’ve grown quite fond of her; her friendship is quite dear to me. All I’m asking is you be careful and think this through.”

“Believe me, I have thought this through. I wouldn’t do anything to put her in danger, we both know that. And while a few days doesn’t seem like much to the Council, we’ve seen the harm these Separatists can inflict in far less. Listen, it might not be the strongest plan I’ve ever made but, if it’s between a semi-formed plan and none at all, the choice is already made.”

With that, Anakin jumped into his ship and took off into the night. Obi-Wan sighed, leaning his head into his palm. He knew how much you meant to him and he knew of Anakin’s frustration with the Council. They moved slowly, wanting to figure out every angle before jumping into a decision. While Anakin was a brilliant strategist, he tended to act impulsively when someone he loved was in danger. As Anakin traveled further and further from Coruscant, the older Jedi could only hope that the both of you returned home quickly and safely.

Anakin looked at his ship’s display and cursed when he realized he was low on fuel. He’d been piloting for hours and there was still no sign of you. He was searching out for you with the Force and, still, nothing. Finally, he felt a faint energy pulse through the Force. He followed it to what was supposed to be an old abandoned Separatist base, concerned by how weak your lifeforce felt.

He parked the ship and got out carefully, trying not to alert anyone to his presence. He pulled out his lightsaber but was careful not to ignite it. He saw an open door and ran through it, relief blinding him as he felt your energy grow stronger with each step he took. He turned the corner and saw a crumpled body on the floor of a tiny cell.

No, Anakin thought, it can’t be her.

Without thinking, Anakin ignited his lightsaber, wanting to use the light to discern if the figure was truly you. The noise bounced off the walls and startled you awake. He mentally cursed himself and instinctively turned off the saber, not missing the even louder noise it made with it turned off. He inwardly facepalmed, realizing if he hadn’t alerted the guards before, they sure as hell knew now.

You blinked groggily, wincing at your immense injuries and bruises. You remembered passing out while that asshole beat you and now you-

Wait, You thought, is that a fucking lightsaber?

You knew you must have heard it wrong, there’s no way the Council would have approved a relief mission this quickly. Further, there is no way it would consist of just one Jedi.

Suddenly, the lightsaber re-lit, illuminating your boyfriend’s face. His determined expression grew stronger as he noticed the 10 guards surrounding him and pointing their blasters directly at his head. You smiled. He could take out ten guards with his eyes closed. You called to him in shock, hardly believing your eyes. He looked at you and immediately widened his eyes as he saw a guard come up behind you and point a blaster directly at you from outside your cell.

“Lightsaber on the floor, Jedi, or the girl dies.” The guard growled.

He looked at you in anguish and you could tell he was already beating himself up for “messing up” your escape plan. You shook your head, hoping he understood your message: this isn’t your fault.

“Anakin don’t-” You couldn’t even finish the sentence before his weapon was on the floor. He put his hands on his head. As they grabbed him, you stood in helpless silence as they threw him in the cell beside you. They locked the doors and, once again, you were in darkness.

You desperately crawled to the edge of your cell, trying to reach out to him. He was doing the same and when you felt his fingertips against yours, you almost started sobbing. You weren’t alone anymore.

“You came for me.” Your voice was soft, disbelief lacing your words.

“Of course I did, my love.”

Then, as if everything finally registered in your brain, you reached out and tried to slap his arm. “Anakin, what about the Council? They’ll kill you when they realize you went on a rescue mission, alone, and without approval! Ani, the only thing keeping me going in here was knowing that you were safe! And now you’ve gotten yourself thrown right next to me, no weapons, no light, no food, no water, no escape! What the fuck are we going to do?!”

Anakin had opened and closed his mouth multiple times throughout your speech, trying to find a way to plead his case but was left without one.

“I just wanted to save you.” The grief in his voice made you sigh and take a step back. This was your Anakin you were talking about. Your safety was his priority, always. Besides, doing all this because he was afraid for you? You couldn’t possibly stay mad. You smiled, despite yourself. Anakin. You thought, slightly shaking your head.

“Fuck, I love you. Is it selfish that there’s a small part of me that’s glad you’re here with me?” You said, breaking the silence.

Anakin breathed out a sigh of relief, glad you weren’t upset with him anymore. “Not at all, my love. So long as it isn’t bad that my least favorite part of this is not being able to see or kiss you properly because of this damn darkness.”

You chuckled, lacing your fingers with his once again. “You wouldn’t want to see me right now.”

Anakin froze. “Y/N? What are you talking about?” His voice was serious, clipped. He knew you would try and make it seem less than it was. You winced, realizing there was no way to lie your way out of this one.

“Just what the Separatists would call aggressive negotiations, I presume.”

“How bad?”

“It’s fine, Ani, I promise. Let’s just focus on getting out of here, okay?”

Anakin took a deep breath, collecting himself. “Alright. But as soon as we get back you’re going to a medical droid.”

You groaned. “Anakin I hate-”

“I know you hate the medical droids. But that’s only because they always rat you out when you try and lie to me about the extensiveness of your injuries.”

“You lie about how bad your injuries are, too! Remember that one time you came back from Kamino?!”

Anakin laughed, despite himself. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

“You were literally bleeding from the head! And you said, and I quote, ‘it’s just a scratch’” Every time you thought back to that day, you were incredulous.

“Alright, alright! Let’s just focus on getting out of here.”

“That’s my line!”

“Y/N,” He warned.

You smiled. Maker, you missed him. You honestly didn’t think that anyone else would have you laughing while you were beaten and captured.

“Okay. What’s the plan?” Anakin said, back to the matter at hand.

You lowered your voice, leaning toward his cell so you could talk without being heard. “I snuck a knife in with me and I’ve been able to keep it a secret. Now that you’re here, it might actually come in handy. The problem was that I couldn’t stab anyone because no one would come into the cell. I need you to get them here. Push them against the side of your cell, the one closest to me, and I’ll stab them. Then while they’re hurt, you run out, unlatch my cell, and we’ll go.”

“I’m dating a fucking genius!” You could just about hear the smile in his voice.

You smirked. All things considered, you were pretty proud of yourself.

“When do you want to do this?”

“They bring daily food and water rations in the morning, I think? I can’t exactly tell what time it is, they’ve kept it so dark and isolated. Regardless, the next time they come by I need you to get them in here. They normally just leave the food outside and push it under the door.”

Anakin could hear the disorientation in your words and wanted nothing more than to be able to see you, to be able to hold you and reassure you that it would all be alright.

“Okay, angel. Got it.”

“Anakin?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for coming to get me. It’s really good to hear your voice.”

“Always, my love.”

Both of you silenced when you heard those footsteps. You smiled for the first time as you heard them. We’re going to get out of here.

“Yeah, that’s a great idea, Y/N! This brick in here is loose!” Anakin announced loudly. You bit your cheek to suppress a smile as you watched Anakin catch the guard’s attention.

“What did you say, Jedi?!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Anakin responded, dramatically feigning innocence.

The guard huffed and you internally cheered as he roughly opened the door. He walked over to your boyfriend, keeping the blaster pointed at him. As soon as the guard’s attention shifted to the “loose” brick, Anakin used the force to knock the blaster out of his hand and push him against the wall of the cell where you slashed his Achilles tendons.

The guard howled in pain and you knew you had to work quickly if you were to get out of here before the rest of the Separatists found you. Anakin fumbled with the latch on your cell, the immense darkness making it difficult. Finally, he got it open and ushered you out. The both of you took off in a run and he gripped your hand with his metal one as you did so.

You immediately stopped as you felt his hand roughly pulled from yours.

“We’ve got you now, Skywalker” The guard said.

“Y/N, you ready?”

You blinked, unsure what he was referring to. Then, you heard an object whipping through the air and on instinct shot your hand out, catching it. You ignited Anakin’s lightsaber that he had summoned to you with the Force, it’s signature buzz making you feel powerful beyond words.

The light caught you off guard and you squinted until your eyes adjusted. You saw Anakin held back by two guards. Hearing faint footsteps, you took off in a run. Anakin ducked as you swung wildly, hitting and taking out both guards.

“You done holding us up?” You said, extending your hand toward him once more and passing him his lightsaber.

Anakin smiled, accepting it. “My sincerest apologies.”

You both ran, hand-in-hand, until you finally made it to the exit.

“What?” You said, as Anakin stopped abruptly and looked at you, panicked.

“The ship! It’s out of fuel!”

“It’s what?!”

“I-” Anakin and you stared at each other, flickers of doubt coming into your gaze. You can’t believe that you’d been able to escape for nothing.

“Anakin! Y/N!”

You whipped your head around at the sound and were met with another ship a few meters down, Obi-Wan piloting it.

“Well? Are you coming, or what?” You and Anakin looked at each other in shock before taking off in a sprint, one guard now close behind you.

He started shooting and Anakin pulled out his lightsaber, deflecting some of the shots. As he focused on that, you pulled your knife back out of your boot and sent it flying into the guard’s chest, effectively stopping his pursuit.

Anakin smirked at you, awestruck. You shrugged before jumping into the ship, extending your arm to Anakin and helping to pull him up with you. You entered and immediately leaned against the wall of the ship, relief coursing through you. You laughed and Anakin joined in. He immediately pulled you into him, kissing you hard.

He broke away from the kiss, looking at you with adoration. “You are a fucking badass!! You’ve never even held a lightsaber and between that and your fucking tiny knife you took out four guards!! I didn’t even get any! I’m not going to lie, Y/N, I’m a bit jealous.”

You laughed, leaning into him but wincing. As the adrenaline wore off, your pain was suddenly quite palpable. He noticed and pulled back, scanning your face and body.

His smile fell as the extent of your injuries sunk in. Your busted cheek, scratched face, and ripped clothing that exposed some of your many bruises across your torso and limbs were overwhelming.

“You kids alright in there?” Obi-Wan said, walking in from the cockpit. His smile died on his face as well as he took in your form.

“I’m alright, guys. It’s not as bad as it looks.” You said dismissively.

“That doesn’t look like nothing!” Anakin shot back.

Obi-Wan looked at you apologetically. “Anakin’s right, Y/N. Please, rest. We’ll be back to Coruscant soon.”

Coruscant! The Senate! “My speech!! Fuck, I had to present my speech! I’ve been gone, what, a week? They’ve probably already voted, Kriff.”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “They decided to suspend the vote until you were back, Senator. They truly care for you and your policies.”

Your heart swelled at Obi-Wan’s words. You looked into Anakin’s eyes and saw that he agreed with the statement full heartedly. He took your hand and gently ran his thumb up and down its back.

“Rest, my love.” He whispered to you, coaxing you to lie down on the coach and pulling off his Jedi cloak. He wrapped it around you as a makeshift blanket, smiling as you pulled it closer to you and drifted off.

Obi-Wan walked up to Anakin and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Let’s leave her be, okay?”

“I don’t want her to wake up when I’m not here.”

The elder Jedi nodded in understanding. “She’s exhausted, she won’t awaken until we get back to the temple, I assure you. And if she does, you’ll just be in the other room.”

Anakin looked at you once more before smoothing the hair back from your face and gently placing a kiss on your forehead. He let his palm run down your cheek before he finally pulled himself away and walked into the cockpit with Obi-Wan.

“So, how did you plan pan out?”

Anakin looked at his former Master, unamused. “I think you already know. How’d you know to come get us, anyway?”

“Well, when you didn’t come back or even attempt to contact the Council for over a day I assumed something had happened. I tracked your ship.”

Anakin nodded. “If not for Y/N, we’d probably both be dead.”

Obi-Wan laughed. “I heard! Four guards?! You’ve found yourself a good one.”

Anakin smiled. No words were needed, everyone knew that was completely and utterly true.

------

if you would like to join my taglist, it is linked on my pinned! please dm me if you would like to be taken off. if your username is crossed out, it is because, for some reason, i couldn’t tag you <3

general tags:

@saltybreaddream @buckysbeloved @lolquarth

anakin tags:

@anakinswhore @kennedywxlsh @coldlilheart @adamgetawaydriver @chokemeanakin @gayidioot @starwars-whore @katelynnwrites @haydens-moles @serpntines @anakinlove @rowley-with-ackerman @dexthtoyounglings @babykinskywalker @cluelessgurl @april-showers-and-flowers @astxrias @beiroviski @captainshazamerica @alyssa-skywalker

#megan writes #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker imagines #anakin skywalker fanfiction #anakin skywalker x you #anakin skywalker x y/n #anakin x reader #anakin imagines #anakin x you #anakin x y/n #anakin skywalker x fem!reader #anakin skywalker x female reader #anakin x fem!reader #anakin x female reader #anakin whump #anakin fluff #anakin skywalker whump #anakin skywalker fluff #request

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lord-freyja · 2 years

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About Me + Boundaries

Hi! Freyja isn’t my actual name, but feel free to call me that for the purposes of this blog. Welcome to the place where I can freely explore my sexuality.

I’m genderfluid (he/she/they) and bisexual (nb/trans inclusive). I will likely use terms relating to all genders and sexualities because I relate to most things; it is not my intention to offend anyone. I’m also a monogamous switch, but of course I support poly people.

Some tags:

freyja talking - my own posts

ask game - prompts/ideas for asks

BDSM/kink guide - posts about safety/proper treatment, etc.

body validation - positive posts about body image, presentation, and function; I have this tag as much for everyone else as I do for myself :)

Please don’t take everything I say on this blog totally seriously. Much of what I do here is, essentially, a form of role play. It’s a place where I can acknowledge/realize fantasies, including those that are quite extreme. Despite this, I promote healthy, safe, and consensual relationships. Don’t be afraid to let me know if I reblog from someone questionable.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Please don’t interact:

✖ Minors. (Educate yourself about your sexuality, but sorry, this is not a space I can safely or rightfully allow you to enter.)

✖ Ageless blogs.

✖ Trauma blogs.

✖ Blogs including detransitioning (as a kink)/misgendering, race play, extreme age play, eating disorders, scat, vomit, self-harm, or actual bigotry/criminality (pedophilia, transphobia, etc.). Also, I’m into cnc and such, but I’m extremely wary of the word “rape.”

✖ People who are looking to argue, just in general. I’m not interested.

If you’re over 30, feel free to like/reblog/follow, but I may be more inclined to block if your blog makes me uncomfortable at all. Also, please don’t flirt with me through DMs, non-anon asks, or tags/captions on reblogs. Thank you!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Boundaries:

❥ Please do not automatically assume anything I say means that I want a romantic/sexual relationship with you!

❥ My ask box is open and dirty messages are welcome, but please don’t ask for personal info/pics or send nudes to me. Feel free to call me pretty much anything except for age regression terms.

❥ My DMs are open, but stay polite and please don’t flirt with me. If that’s what you want, do it through anons or something instead.

❥ I will not respond to anything that makes me uncomfortable.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kink info below ❤

My general kinks: cnc, bondage, dominance, submission, psychological sadism, psychological masochism, degradation, praise, humiliation, breeding, dehumanization/objectification, body worship, facesitting, facefucking, mindlessness, oral fixation, royalty/aristocracy, voyeurism, infidelity (role play only)

Kinks I sometimes like: physical sadism, physical masochism, somno, pet play, impact play, dumbification, hypno, monsterfucking, omorashi, edging, denial, cockwarming, exhibitionism, religion/blasphemy, free use, breath play, abduction, polyamory, knife play, primal play, size difference, strength difference, drugging/intoxication (alcohol/soft drugs/unspecified only), incest (role play only)

My limits (but you can interact if you post them): mild/moderate age play, real infidelity, 24/7 dynamics, gore, blood play, object insertion, anal (receiving), drugging/intoxication (hard drugs), gun play (tbh sometimes I like this but it’s a HUGE sometimes)

DNI limits: detransitioning (as a kink), misgendering, race play, extreme age play, eating disorders, scat, vomit, self-harm, actual bigotry/criminality (pedophilia, transphobia, etc.)

I am never trying to kink shame, but please respect my limits and DNI criteria. There are some kinks I am simply not comfortable with.

#freyja talking

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axemetaphor · 3 years

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im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

#jdate #john dies at the end #aus #erh. tthe hell do i tag this as #rambles.txt #long post #well let me know if youd wanna hear more or. or something #send an ask. or whatever #yaknow #:jazz hands:

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trickstarbrave · 3 years

Text

i get to make posts abt whatever i want and i like the long form ability tumblr has so im gonna make a post here abt it instead of a 29 tweets long thread abt it on twitter.com’s hellsite even if its a bigger thing there for ppl to yell at me:

“how can you be NB and a woman? why even bother being aligned? why be more than one category? how do you know this isn’t a common experience with womanhood and it’s just misogyny?”

there is no one experience of womanhood. this is true. i don’t know if this is a truly common or uncommon experience. i dont know how every woman feels. maybe a great deal binary women feel the same way, and maybe how i feel is entirely different from how women feel. but gender is not just an internal thing but an external thing. it’s, for me, both. no, wearing a dress or feminine clothes doesnt make you a woman and wearing masculine clothes make you a man, but how we live our lives and process our own thoughts is informed by the society and culture around us. all i can do is use that lens i have been given to interpret how i feel.

i dont think i am a binary woman. i use he/him and don’t like she/her or many feminine parts of language used to describe me, which isn’t something i see many binary women do. sure i can use pronouns i dont even like, much like how i can change my name to something i dont like, but im more so in the business of doing things that hurt no one for my own comfort and going from there. still though, not all of my behaviors are not unlike how i think womanhood is. i experience society primarily as someone interpreted as a woman. im okay to a degree with it too. i am subjected to misogyny and sexism. i am a primary target of those. i feel i have a vested interest in women’s rights not just because someone may mistake me for a woman but bc for all intense purposes i kind of am one. i love women and my attraction to women is based on that. i am attracted to other nb ppl with a relation to womanhood.

for me it means i am partially out of the box. standing with one foot in and one foot out of it into something that isn’t manhood. for a while i assumed if i dont feel 100% like a woman the alternative was manhood. or gender fluidity. or that there is only a handful of experiences you’re allowed with being nonbinary like being entirely third gendered or agender. i relate to womanhood, and sometimes i dont at all. i feel it doesn’t quite fit, a label that applies only half the time and the other half manhood doesn’t apply to me at all either. for women’s issues and women’s spaces there are times i will be heavily involved and present bc they are issues that concern me and have resources i want and need.

binary society, however, says you’re not allowed to have these varied experiences. you either feel like a woman and use she/her pronouns and look and act a certain way, or you feel like a man, use he/him pronouns, and look and act a different way. that if you don’t your existence is incoherent and irrelevant. it does not account for what each of these parts mean and serve (how pronouns can be very different from presentation or how people can be unable or unwilling to present a certain way), it just says “this is a list of things women do and this is a list of things men do”, and i say “well i do a lot of things on the woman’s list but don’t fill in the checklist entirely”. im on the fringe of womanhood, but orbit it enough that it’s still applicable as a category.

not everyone will feel like me and reject being a woman and a man entirely, but i reject the idea that there is two distinct boxes that can only be solved by adding a third or fourth box. being nonbinary for me is existing in some level outside of strict boundaries or roles to any degree, and that means you dont have to reject womanhood or manhood to do so. you dont have to reject femininity or masculinity to do so. that some of us will be close enough to the box it might seem like it’s unnecessary to count us as outside it in any way but i say it does matter if we say it does. maybe most people exist outside of these boundaries to varying degrees and it doesn’t impact them, but it impacts me. being nonbinary means you may not be easily understood by other people. just like how bisexuals do not need to have an equal amount of partners who are men and women to be “real”, their bisexuality is important. if a bi woman dates 30 women and 1 man genuinely then she is still bi, not “basically a lesbian”. if a bi man dates 30 women and 1 man, he is not “basically straight”. i am not “basically a woman who should change my pronouns and language”, im woman aligned nb.

nb ppl can also be gay, or lesbian, or bi, or any other complicated sexuality bc they are unaligned and like women or men specifically, or only like nb ppl like them and we dont rly have good words for that ppl recognize. a binary gender system is like binary code, which means youre either a 0 or 1. theres no room for numbers between that, nor numbers outside it. all you can do is break the binary system that no longer servers a good purpose. and that also means we have to think in different ways about sexuality as we know, which was informed by a binary.

nonbinary isn’t a clear cut thing. it isn’t as easy to understand as manhood and womanhood. our society wasn’t built to explain and understand it so i don’t fault people who dont. but trying to simplify nb identities into something easier to understand for you is wrong. being a woman or man isn’t smth as simplistic as people like to act like it is either. for now this is how i feel and communicate it. im a nb lesbian. i use he/him. pronouns dont determine my gender as unaligned nb ppl can use any pronouns like they as well, and manhood is more complex than simply using 1 set of pronouns. if you think im a man you look silly. if you think i share everything in common with women you look silly. it isnt entirely intuitive or straightforward but i am making due with what i have in a way that doesnt hurt others and isn’t based on bigotry. i dont reject womanhood because of bigotry, i know it exists and i fight against it. i love women and feel im close enough that women can love me too. i feel alienated partially because im a lesbian even, and other lesbians go through this to varying degrees too.

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bi-lesbian · 4 years

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Hey Idk if you’ve talked about this but the idea of non binary lesbianism stems from the idea that given your woman hood is no longer defined by an attraction to men (as a lesbian), the very definition of womanhood perpetuated by society breaks down. It becomes expansive and almost freeing in a way. (1/2)

i would need to look into this particular topic more to get the best idea of the history around it, but to start off, as im nonbinary and so are many other people who use the label, i dont see how itd be harming enbies place in lesbianism? bi lesbian sometimes being used to mean liking women and enbies does not mean that lesbian alone doesnt include enbies. it means that the nature of lesbianism is on the "multiple gender attraction spectrum" (aka mspec) unlike a lot of people try to claim. bi lesbian is saying that trying to define lesbian as "women exclusively into women" is muddling up a lot of lesbian history, and doesnt include a lot of people who have historically belonged under the lesbian label (bis and enbies). bi lesbian is saying lesbianism has always and often includes multiple genders, and should keep its more open definition to not be outcasting people whove always been in the lesbian community, always been lesbians.

people who also like men doesnt mean their womanhood is defined by their attraction to men, and them using lesbian doesnt mean that lesbian inherently includes attaction to men. lesbian means loving women, it says nothing about men. it doesnt need to be exclusive to just state someones love of women, because nothing about men should be assumed when someone says theyre a lesbian. they shouldnt be assumed to lack or have attraction to men, no "maybe," bc lesbianism is not inherently about men. some people use it to politically mean separating from men (the origin of making lesbian exclusive), but its unfair to try to make that as the sole definition for all lesbians. not everyone wants their sexuality to be a political statement.

plus also, a lot of enbies dont want to fall under lesbian, they are fem-aligned but dont want to just be seen as A Woman (bc some lesbians arent respectful towards nonbinary identities), they are unaligned and dont want to be included under lesbian attraction, etc etc. bi lesbian is often used to mean the person mostly loves women and enbies, but also loves people who may not fall under lesbian, and may even like masc-aligned enbies but not like fully binary men. some masc aligned enbies use lesbian and are fine with falling under lesbian attraction, but most probably arent attached to lesbianism.

and as i tend to say, anyone that can use bi lesbian doesnt need to. its a matter of preferences- for if someone is attached to the bi label for liking multiple genders or if they like just using lesbian. its not some separate identity to include genders lesbian "excludes," its just a form of lesbianism where some people like to state they defintely are mspec in whatever ways. when many people use bi as liking 2 or more genders, that means many people who like women and enbies can use bi if they want to.

so no, bi lesbian doesnt disregard that history or pretends nb lesbians are a whole new thing, especially since bi lesbianism also isnt new and has been around for decades. and i dont really understand the last question, since as i said, lesbianism isnt about men or inherently including them even if its not exclusive, and people who like men dont automatically have their womanhood defined by them.

#bi lesbiask #bi lesbian #explanation

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creativitycache · 4 years

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ngl asking for people who self-identify as "antis" is already biasing your results because the term originated from fans being defensive over getting called out (eg the types who sincerely think fandom culture is ""puritan""). fair number of people started to use the term ironically and it might be evening out but overall the post calling for responses on the survey still comes off as something written in bad faith?

I wrote a rather long and involved response and then tumblr ate it. Goshdarn.

Fair warning, this is a hyperfixation and I’m coming off of a migraine so this may not be very cogent. Please read this in the over excited tones of someone infodumping about emulsifiers, with no animosity intended.

So, tl;dr and with a lot fewer links, I’m incredibly interested by your perspective that “anti” originated as a derogatory term.

As far as I am aware, the etymological history of the word “anti” being used pejoratively is coming from some very new debates.

I’m also noting that you had no feedback regarding the content of the questions themselves, which I would be interested in hearing as I am genuinely coming from a place without censure.

The term “anti” actually is a self-descriptor that arose in the Livejournal days, where you’d tag something as “Anti ___” for other like minded people to find. (For example, my cursory google search pulled up 10 Anti Amy Lee communities on LJ).

I’m a self-confessed old. I was back in fandom before Livejournal, aaaall the way back in the Angelfire days. Webrings children! We had webrings! And guest books for you to sign!

I’m going to take a swing for the fences here Anon, so if I’m wrong please let me know, but I’m going to guess you became active as a fan in the past 5-8 years based of your use of the term puritan.

There’s actually a HUGELY new debate in fandom spaces! Previously, it was assumed that:

a) All fandom spaces are created and used by adults only.

b) If you were seeing something, it’s because you dug for it.

These assumptions were predicated upon what spaces fandoms grew in. First you had Star Trek TOS fandom, which grew in 1970s housewives kitchens. They were all friends irl, and everyone was an adult, and you actively had to reach out to other adults to talk about things. (By the way- a woman lost custody of her children in the divorce when her ex husband brought up to the judge she kept a Kirk/Spock zine under her bed. The judge ruled this as obvious signs of moral deficiency. That was in the 80s! Everyone is still alive and the parents are younger than my coworkers!)

Time: 1967-1980s. Is Anti a term? No. Who is the term used by? N/A Is fandom space considered Puritanical? No.

Then, when the internet came about, it was almost exclusively used by adults until The Eternal September. 1993 was the year that changed the internet for good, but even years after that the internet was a majority adult space. Most kids and teens didn’t have unlimited access if their parents even had a home computer in the 90s.

This is the rise of Angelfire, which were fansites all connected to each other in “rings”. You had to hunt for content. If you found something you didn’t like, well, you clicked out and went on with your day because you’d never see it again unless you really dug. This was truly the wild west, tagging did not exist and you could go from fluff to vore in the blink of an eye with nothing warning you before hand. All fannish spaces were marked “here be dragons” and attempts were made to at least adopt the “R/NC-17″ ratings on works to some limited success, depending on webmaster.

Time: 1990-1999. Is Anti a term? No. Who is the term used by? N/A Is fandom space considered Puritanical? No.

In 1999 LiveJournal arose like a leviathan, and here is where the term Anti emerges as a self descriptor. Larger communities began to form, and with them, divisions. Now, you could reach so many fans you could reach a critical mass of them for enough of them to dislike a ship. The phrase “Anti” became a self-used tag, as people tagged their works, communities, and blogs with “anti” (NB: this is at far, far smaller rates than today). Anti was first and foremost a tagging tool used and created by the people who were vehemently against something.

You could find content more easily than in the past, but you still had to put some serious elbow grease into it.

In 2007, Livejournal bans users for art "depicting minors in explicit sexual situations”. The Livejournal community explodes in anger- towards Livejournal staff. The account holders/fans view this as corporate puritanical meddling. The outrage continues as it is revealed these bans were part of a pre-sale operation to SUP Services. SUP Services, upon taking over Livejournal in 2008, proceeds to filter the topics “bisexuality, depression, faeries, girls, boys, and fanfiction”.

The Great LiveJournal Migration begins, as fans leave the site in droves.

Time: 1999-2009. Is Anti a term? Yes. Who is the term used by? People self describing, seeking to create communities based off a dislike of something. Is fandom space considered Puritanical? No.

Where do fans go? Well, in the last decade, they migrated to Tumblr and Twitter (sorry Pillowfort- you gave it a good try!)

What’s different about all of these sites? Individuals are able to create and access content streams. These are hugely impactful in how communities are formed! Because now:

a) finding content is easier

b) finding content you dislike by accident is easier

c) content you dislike requires active curation to avoid

d) truly anonymous outreach is possible and easy (for example, you anon! Isn’t it much easier to go on anon to bring up awkward or sensitive topics? I’m happy you did by the way, and that’s why I keep my anons open. It’s an important contextual tool in the online communications world!)

Now the term Anti gets sprightly. Previously, if you didn’t like content, there was nothing you could really do about it. For example, I, at the tender age of way-too-young, opened up a page of my favorite Star Trek Deep Space 9 fansite and pixel by pixel with all the loading speed of a stoned turtle a very anatomically incorrect orgy appeared.

I backed out.

1. Who could I contact? There was no “message me here” button, no way to summon any mods on Angelfire sites.

2. If I did manage to find a contact button, I would have had to admit I went onto a site that wasn’t designed to keep me safe. I knew this was a site for adults, I knew there wasn’t a way to stop it from showing something. There was no such thing as tags. I knew all of this before going in. So the assumption was, it was on me for looking. (Some may have argued it was on my parents for not supervising me- all I can say is thank GOD no one else was in the living room and my mom was around the corner in the kitchen.)

But now? On Tumblr? On Twitter? In a decade in which tagging is so easy and ubiquitous it’s expected?

Now people who describe themselves as antis start to have actual tools and social conventions to utilize.

Which leads to immediate backlash! Content creators are confused and upset- fandom spaces have been the wild west for decades, and there’s still no sherriff in town. So the immediate go-to argument is that these people who are messaging them are “puritans”.

And that’s actually an interesting argument! A huge factor in shaping the internet’s social mores in the latest decades is cleanliness for stockbrokers. Websites can become toxic to investors and to sales if they contain sexual content. Over time, corporations perfected a mechanism for “cleaning” a site for sale.

Please note there is no personal opinion or judgement in this next list, it is simply a description of corporate strategies you can read during the minute meetings of shareholders for Tumblr, Twitter, Paypal, Venmo, Facebook, Myspace, Yahoo Answers, and Livejournal.

1. Remove sex workers. Ban any sex work of any kind, deplatform, keep any money you may have been holding.

2. Remove pedophilia. This is where the jump begins between content depicting real people vs content depicting fictional characters begins.

3. Remove all sexual image content, including artwork of fictional characters.

4. Remove all sexual content, including written works. If needed, loop back to step 2 as a justification, and claim you do not have the moderators to prevent written works depicting children.

I would like to reiterate these are actual gameplans, so much so that they’ve made their way into business textbooks. (Or at least they did for my Modern Marketing & App Design classes back in the early 2010s. Venmo, of course, wasn’t mentioned, but I did read the shareholder’s speeches when they banned sex workers from the platform so I added them in the list above because it seems they’re following the same pattern.)

So you have two groups who are actively seeking to remove NSFW content from the site.

A) Corporate shareholders

B) People are upset they’re seeing NSFW content they didn’t seek out and squicks them

Now, why does this matter for the debates using the term “puritan” as an insult?

Because the reasons corporate shareholders hate NSFW material is founded in American puritanism. It’s a really interesting conflation of private sector values! And if Wall Street were in another cultural context, it would be a completely different discussion which I find fascinating!

But here’s the rub- that second group? They're not doing this for money. If there are any puritanical drives, it’s personal, not a widespread cohesive ideology driving them. HOWEVER! The section of that group that spent the early 2010s on tumblr did pick up some of the same rhetoric as puritanical talking points (which is an entirely separate discussion involving radfems, 4chan raids, fourth wave feminism, and a huge very nuanced set of influences I would love to talk about at a later time!)

These are largely fans who have “grown up” in the modern sites- no matter how old they actually are, their fandom habits and expectations have been shaped by the algorithms of these modern sites.

Now HERE‘s the fascinating bit that’s new to me! This is the interpretation of the data I’m getting, and so I’m out on a limb but I think this is a valid premise!

The major conflict in fandom at this time is a struggle over personal space online.

Content creators are getting messages telling them to stop, degrading them, following them from platform to platform.

They say “Hey! What gives- we were here first. The cardinal rule of fandom is don’t like, don’t read. Fandom space has always been understood to be adult- it’s been this way for decades! To find our content, you had to come to us! This is our space! This is my space, this is my blog! If you don’t like it, you’re not obligated to look!”

Meanwhile, at the exact same time, antis are saying “Hey! What gives- this content is appearing on my screen! That’s my space! I didn’t agree to this, I don’t like this! I want it to be as far away from me as possible! I will actively drive it away.”

This is a major cultural shift! This is a huge change and a huge source of friction! And I directly credit it to the concept of “content stream” and algorithms driving similar-content to users despite them not wanting it!

Curating your online space used to be much simpler, because there wasn’t much of it! Now with millions of users spread out over a wide age range, all feeding in to the same 4-5 websites, we are seeing people be cramped in a technically limitless space!

Now people feel that they have to go on the offense to defend themselves against content they don’t like, which is predicated upon not only the algorithms of modern websites but ALSO talking points fed from the top down of what is and what is not acceptable on various platforms.

Time: 2010-2020. Is Anti a term? Yes. Who is the term used by? People self describing,and people using it to describe others. Is fandom space considered Puritanical? Depends!

So I, a fandom ancient, a creaky thing of old HTML codes and broken tags, am watching this transformation and am wildly curious for data.

Also...I uh....I can’t believe this is the short version. My ADHD is how you say “buckwild” tonight.

Anyways...um...if anyone has read to the bottom, give me data?

#Asks&Answers #fandom #anti #fandom discourse #gosh I've been on the internet a long time...#started at the 90s now we hear #I still sometimes think about the dudes who were HELLA salty about the eternal september #they talk about it like it was a war...you bring up Usenet and they go #I was THERE Gandalf

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nullcoast · 4 years

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I think the main problem in progressive spaces rn is that ppl want to be oppressed and be the most morally righteous. Just hear me out. I’m gonna lay out some base assumptions with examples and then use them to say what I mean.

Identity is seen as the only indication of whether someone can have an opinion on a topic. Certainly, trans people’s voices should be elevated in conversations about trans topics, and more attention should be given to minorities within the trans community BUT: that is ONLY because EXPERIENCE informs understanding. They know more because they’ve lived it. It does NOT mean that a cis person can’t be as educated (or MORE educated) than a trans person on trans topics. (ex: a cis person who’s idk friends with a bunch of vocal nbs vs a transmed) (ex in a different area: an upper middle class Marxist vs a working class trump supporter) Also, if I am to assume that, say, black women are always more right about issues relating to racism than I am, where does that leave Candace Owens?

Separatism— especially on the basis of who is more oppressed— is scary common in progressive spaces. ESPECIALLY lgbt. Ace discourse, q-slur, pansexuality, etc. are all examples of topics that I see talked about MULTIPLE times a day. This one is complicated because, while talking about intersectionality can be very very important, it’s soooo fucking counterproductive when it’s the main part of your “”progressivism””, especially since it’s being done wrong. What it inevitably leads to is people having to compensate for their apparent lack of oppression by claiming that OTHER people are less oppressed.

Virtue signaling and performative, empty arguments are the bulk of online progressive discourse. I think this is because in online spaces, there’s pressure to always have the correct, most morally superior opinions. And more popularity and acceptance and love are given to people who appear to be the most morally righteous. I DONT think it’s deliberate, or that ppl are acting with malintent. I think ppl want to be accepted and this is how they’ve been taught to get acceptance in online spaces. Especially since (and I don’t mean any offense here) the ppl most invested in these spaces don’t have a lot going for them irl. Essentially, it’s not enough to constantly denounce open conservatives—everyone knows they’re bad— you have to denounce ppl who are closer to u in belief so u can elevate urself further and get more acceptance.

What all of these leads to is a bunch of (usually very young, impressionable) people who have been oppressed by the society they live in, aching for acceptance and affirmation of their experience. The way they get that is through the behaviors/beliefs described above. The form their beliefs take varies, but it’s almost always revolving around lgbt issues and issues of race or religion, which really fucking sucks because those are the most vulnerable people in our society. But, as explained, that’s why this happens. There’s very very little talk about how to actively improve the material conditions of these groups (that’s called dialtecial materialism), and when there is it’s always guilt-tripy. I plain and simple do not see unity or collectivism happening. I just fucking don’t. Not unless I’m looking in explicitly leftist spaces, and even then it’s usually fucked in a lot of ways.

So anyway the reason I made this is bc I myself did this a lot and I’m working on not doing it anymore. And I really, really want to see the people I care about working together to address material issues we face. It’s not enough to say x group is more oppressed because of y, you have to do something about it and work with x group and others as a UNIT. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere, and all that.

#lgbt #progressive #idk #politics

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lovenotesuggestions · 4 years

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hi!! so my partner identifies as non-binary and panromantic, but i'm a cis femme lesbian. do i have to change my label? i feel like it still fits, but my partner says because of their identity that i should identify as something else. i just don't like dudes. nb people are cool, though..

so i identify as lesbian but my partner is non-binary and wants me to get a different label to fit their identity too. i'm quite comfortable with identifying as lesbian, so what should i do?

Idk if these two asks came from the same person, but they’re about the same topic so I’ll cover them both here.

This is a complicated question, and there’s no definitively right or wrong answer - it depends on the people involved, and your comfort.

If your understanding of ‘lesbian’ is ‘non-man attracted to non-men’ or attraction to women and non-binary people, then there’s nothing incorrect about using that word to describe yourself, and your attraction to your non-binary partner doesn’t mean you have any less of a right to use that label.

However, dysphoria isn’t necessarily a logical/rational emotion. Your partner might know in their head that you see them as the non-binary person they are, and know that you use the label lesbian to mean attracted to women and nonbinary people, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t feel dysphoria over it. Especially because most people’s understanding of being a lesbian is exclusive attraction to women, or women-aligned people, it might be the case that they feel uncomfortable with dating someone who refers to themselves as a lesbian because of the way people will make assumptions about their identity as a result of that. Speaking as an unaligned non-binary person, I completely support the right of non-binary lesbians to identify that way and for lesbians to encompass non-binary people in that label for their attraction. But I don’t know if I personally would be comfortable dating someone who used that label for themselves because I’m not aligned with womanhood at all, and I feel like if my partner was openly a lesbian, it would make people assume, even if they are aware that I’m non-binary, that I’m woman-aligned when I’m not, or think of me as just Woman Lite. Or assume that I’m included in that form of attraction because of my assigned gender at birth (implying that lesbian = attracted to AFAB people, regardless of their gender when orientation is about the gender of the people you’re attracted to, not their sex or AGAB). All of these scenarios would probably make me dysphoric.

But of course, there are plenty of unaligned non-binary people who don’t feel the same way, and it’s not something I’ve personally had to tackle because I’m dating a man.

There are other labels that you could use that accurately describe your sexuality that may make your partner less uncomfortable. For instance, ‘bisexual’ describes attraction to two or more genders, and those genders don’t have to be the binary genders. You can absolutely ID as bi and not be attracted to men. ‘Polysexual’ is similar, meaning attraction to multiple but not necessarily all genders, and might not have the same baggage that bisexual has in that people incorrectly assume bi = attraction to men and women, that makes some folks uncomfortable using it. There’s also the label ‘queer’ if you’re comfortable using it (and it’s totally fine to not want to/be comfortable reclaiming it) which is a non-specific way of referring to any non-cishetallo alignment or orientation. Sapphic is another term you could use - it’s commonly used as a descriptor by wlw to describe the attraction they feel, but it isn’t an exclusively lesbian term (Sappho herself was bi!) and can be used by any wlw/wlnb who want to centre their attraction to women/femininity without being too specific about who is and is not included in their attraction. You could also use multiple labels interchangeably in different scenarios.

The alternative labels presented here are not an exhaustive list - there are other labels out there that might work better for you and your partner that are more recently coined or more obscure but are no less valid - new terms are being coined and modified all the time because the more traditional ones don’t always accommodate scenarios like yours.

It’s tricky, and there’s no right answer. It comes down to balancing the comfort of both parties and finding a compromise that works for both of you - your partner’s comfort is important, but so is yours, and I appreciate that the lesbian label is a really important part of many people’s identities and includes a lot of history and culture and community, and you may not be comfortable giving that up either. You don’t have to change your label - it’s not incorrect, and I don’t think anyone ever has to change the description they use to describe their identity, except in rare cases where someone might be using a label that they don’t really have a right to for important historical/cultural reasons, i.e. a non-Native American referring to themselves as two-spirit would be one of the cases where the use of that label is culturally insensitive. It’s something you should have an open and honest discussion about between the two of you to see if you can find an arrangement that accommodates both of your needs. You might find this post about communication helpful for doing that.

I hope that’s helpful, and you’re able to find a solution that suits everyone 💗

#advice #not a suggestion #long post #dysphoria /#i love queue #Anonymous #answered

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odaatlover · 4 years

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Hey so I’m trying to explain to my best friend what it meants to be non-bianary. It’s hard because I identify as a cis woman & I want to be sensitive to nb folks. I also want to explain it correctly. When I tried she replied “well they obviously have to know if they are a man or a woman.” I told her not everyone feels like a man or a woman but I couldn’t elaborate. She just doesn’t understand. What do I say?

Even I have trouble explaining it. I just know I’m not a woman, but not a man either. I don’t want society to perceive me as either of those things because it feels wrong. But everyone’s experience is different, so I can only speak for myself. And I will explain this to the best of my ability based solely on my own experiences.

In order for your friend to understand that there can be a person who feels like neither woman nor man, she first has to detach genitals from gender, and understand that they are not dependent on one another. I think that’s where many people get stuck, especially cis people, because there are two main types of genitals — vagina or penis. If she can see a pre-op trans person as the gender they identify as (for example, if she can see a transwoman with a penis as a woman), then she’s already got this idea! Some people are born with both types of genitals, and so you’d think maybe they feel like both a woman and a man, but that’s not necessarily true. Some intersex people feel like one of the binary genders (woman or man) and take hormones and/or get surgery to match that identity. So genitals and sex do not equal gender.

Gender is a social construct. Women and men are treated differently by society in certain ways. And it has nothing to do with what’s in your pants, because how do people know what’s in your pants when you’re walking around? Identifying as a woman means that you want to be seen as a woman and treated as such. And identifying as a man means that you want to be seen as a man and treated like one. But what happens when you don’t want to be seen as either of those because neither of those things feel right? ...or as both? Or maybe one day you feel like you’re a man, and the next you feel like you’re a woman? What then? How do you choose when both feel equally incorrect...or equally correct?

For me personally, I feel like somewhere in between. When I stand with a group of women, I can relate to some things, but I don’t feel like one of them. I also feel that when I’m with a group of guys. It’s the same feeling your friend gets when she’s with a group of guys. She can relate in certain ways, and she can hang out with them, but she knows she’s not one of them. And it’s not because she doesn’t have a penis like they do, but because she is a woman and identifies as one. I get that feeling with both of the binary genders — that I am an outsider. If she still has trouble disconnecting genitals from gender, then ask her this...

Imagine you feel exactly the same way you do now, like your soul is the same, you still like the things you like and you still are who you are, but you wake up one day and you have a penis. And it’s not a temporary thing, you’re now stuck with it forever. This is your body now. Do you want to start living like a man now just because you have this new body part? Do you start going by he/him pronouns even though it feels wrong? Do you go into the men’s bathroom when going into the women’s bathroom feels right? What do you do then?

For some people, being called she/her and he/him pronouns feel equally wrong. And going into the women’s and the men’s bathroom feels equally wrong. And being called “ma’am” or “sir” feels equally wrong. And when you’re standing in a room and someone says “okay all women stand on this side of the room, and all men stand on the other side of the room” some people just truly don’t know where to go. And what’s in their pants, or on their chest, or what clothes they’re wearing, doesn’t matter. Gender is something inside you, not outside. You feel it in your soul, and everything you choose to do on the outside is a form of expression based on who you are and what feels like you. So, the outside (the body you’re born into) doesn’t determine the inside (your soul)...but rather, the inside determines the outside.

All humans are so similar in ways we don’t even realize. We try so hard to separate women and men into these two drastically different categories, but they’re not all that different. We all feel, we all bleed, we all love...we’re so similar. And no matter what body you’re born into, hormones can change it very easily. If a born female takes testosterone hormones, their voice changes, they grow body/facial hair, fat redistributes from the hips/thighs to the belly and other areas to give a straighter looking shape and strong jawline, the clitoris grows to look very similar to a small penis, they stop getting their period (for the most part), and their sex drive raises. And when someone born as a male takes estrogen hormones their body changes as well and they stop growing hair everywhere, and sometimes their penis shrinks, and fat changes to give a more curvy shape and soft looking face, and their sex drive lowers, and so on. Here are a couple of examples:

(A person born as a female who changed testosterone levels)

(A person born as a male who changed estrogen levels)

I don’t know either of these people and if they’ve had bottom surgery, but let’s assume they didn’t and they have the same genitals they were born with. If you saw these people on the street, you would assume the top person is a man and the bottom is a woman, despite what’s in their pants. Because these things such as body/face shape, hair, etc. are the things we use to determine woman or man...things that hormone levels create. And we treat that person a certain way based on that outer appearance (AKA, the amount of estrogen and testosterone in their bodies). So if you think about it, the fact that our bodies can change so easily just from changing hormone levels, means that we’re not all that different from each other. Separating “woman” and “man” from each other in such a drastic way is a societal idea, not a scientific, because anybody can look like a woman or a man without surgery no matter what sex (female or male) they’re born as. And so if that’s the case, and we can easily go back and forth, then doesn’t it make sense that some people can feel, and be, somewhere in between?

Some cis people will never get it because their body matches their gender identity, and so it’s very difficult to imagine the real possibility that for some people, it doesn’t. And that’s okay. It’s a lot to wrap your head around, and it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience for the idea to start to make sense, especially when we live in such a binary world. But everything is a spectrum, even gender. And just because you are on one of the very ends of that spectrum and you were born into a body with the right amount of hormone levels to match your identity, doesn’t mean that everyone is the same.

I hope this helps!

#nonbinary #gender #what is gender #what is nonbinary #enby

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wernerherzogs · 4 years

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People getting defensive about Harry’s gender remind me of how people used to get SO defensive about people thinking he might not be straight. I have no idea if he personally identifies as cis or otherwise but it’s certainly not far fetched or wild or offensive to think he might be anything other than cis. It wouldn’t be offensive even if he didn’t do all the things that he has done and continues to do, and it’s certainly not offensive considering how he subverts rigid gender norms etc

cont.: "And also - IS it even bad to be like ‘hey I think he’s non-binary’? Is it bad to say ‘I think he’s gay’? None of us know for a fact how he labels himself but I’m a cis straight-ish woman and I can certainly understand why people think these things? Is it at all harmful? I don’t even personally know if I think he is non-cis, but I think it’s fine if others think that and I can understand why they do. And I wouldn’t be like shocked if one day he said he was."

yeah pretzels is EXACTLY the same. there's literally nothing wrong with wondering whether someone is not straight or gnc/trans/nb, because there's nothing wrong with BEING not straight or gnc/trans/nb. like the moment someone finds the speculation offensive, then that's their own homophobia and/or transphobia showing. like that's really It -- nothing more, nothing less. straight people don't stop for a second to consider how harmful and saddening it is TO us to have to go through our lives while everyone else always assumes that the so called "default" applies to us. for some reason no one's crying about how "invasive" it is to lgbt/gnc folk when someone assumes they're straight/cis. :/ hmmmm. :/ again: you find it "invasive", because your mind labels those things as "bad", "shameful", not something you consider as your stupid "norm", so, yeah, that's your homophobia/transphobia to deal with.

tl;dr should we act like we know for 100%, and label harry according to what we think we know while leaving no room for our error? no. would it be alright to outright ask harry about it to his face as a stranger/journalist/etc.? never, we're not his friends. would it be ok to demand he clarifies/confirms any of it publicly? underlined NO, because the world isn't a safe and understanding space, and answering would affect his privacy/career/so on, so he has to be the one calling the shots.

but also lgbt folk naturally recognise their own kin. we're neither blind, nor stupid. we have our blogs when we can be having those conversations, and our fave isn't reading any of it. (if any celeb decides to engage with fannish spaces, that's on them. they know what they are. stop treating celebs as imbeciles 2k20, especially celebs young enough to have grown up with fandoms around them themselves.) and people can try to "excuse" some of the things harry has done as "just a scenic persona" or whatever, but they still should be wondering why he chooses those forms of artistic expression over others. there's a pattern. it's okay to pick up on it. don't act like you're blind while it's staring you in the face.

#good ask 💖 thank you #anonymous #a response

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megaderping · 4 years

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Dealing with some anxiety over the past few weeks about some stuff I dealt with growing up that didn’t fully sink in until just now. It is very personal. It is also very heavy. If you decide to read, please keep in mind that this deals with some pretty heavy baggage, including... Trigger Warnings: CSA, Incest, Abuse, Bullying, Ableism, Trauma, Aphobia, Homophobia Because this is a personal rant, I’d rather avoid reblogs. Thank you for understanding.

So. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with one of my cousins. She was a good 6 - 8 years older than me. At the time, I looked up to her. I thought she was cool and smart. I trusted her. Because I was so young, I didn’t think it weird that she described french kissing to me in great detail. I never told an adult. I was too young to know that this was not okay. This wasn’t even the last time, though. When I was in first grade, she was so eager to show and describe matters related to being a teenage girl and the changes therein. I won’t go into great detail- but the way she demonstrated this... It was definitely hands on. What bothers me is that at the time, it didn’t hit me that THIS wasn’t okay either. I didn’t tell an adult because I didn’t know I was supposed to. That this was sexual abuse. She did some things with me that- it only happened once, but it REALLY, fundamentally bothers me that my longterm reaction to this was... desensitization. Maybe that’s a form of trauma in itself? I dunno. But I was able to move on eventually when she wasn’t in my life anymore. Sometimes I tell myself I shouldn’t hold it against her because she was a teenager at the time with her own issues, but... I dunno. I didn’t talk about this with anyone. I didn’t really think about it, save for once in a blue moon when I was in high school and I was like, “...maybe that was messed up.” But if you asked me at the time, I would’ve said I was okay. But I’m honestly not sure if I was. I was bullied throughout my entire public schooling. People would punch me. They’d call me names. They’d make fun of me for liking cartoons and video games and come up to me with the most ableistic voices demanding I “draw them pokaymanz”. I was the one who had to go to the school councilor for being a problem. They didn’t get in trouble. In high school, I would go out into the pod to try and study and work on assignments because the very same people who had bullied me in grade school would not SHUT UP when we were supposed to be doing assigned reading. They were not punished. Nobody stepped in when I raised concerns- the best I got was permission to distance myself. I remember sitting on the bus one day in high school, minding my own business when these girls in the seat in front of me started making fun of my name. They started making fun of my appearance. The bus driver never stepped in. I got off the bus in tears. And this was hardly the first time. This was a problem from grade school ‘til graduation. 12 - 13 years of this. Sometimes when I’m at work, trying to do my JOB, my mind will go back to something a classmate said, something a classmate DID, and I’ll lose my focus. It’ll bring me to tears even though I SHOULD be over it by now. And this has always happened to me. People talking behind my back. Spreading rumors. Going to OTHERS to deal with their problems with me instead of talking to me because apparently human decency is too much to ask. People would spread rumors that I “pooped on the playground”. They’d say I liked to sneak into the boys’ bathroom. When I was in first grade, someone shoved a leaf up my nose. I still remember that, too. I remember being told by people I considered friends that we couldn’t be friends anymore because they had new friends who didn’t like me. I remember people being cruel. A lack of understanding. It turned me into a wallflower over time because I was scared to make connections and for a time I dealt with it by being cold and abrasive because I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I remember being asked on a school trip, “Were you ever diagnosed with anything?” OUT OF NOWHERE. To this day, I wonder about that... And I don’t know if I should seek diagnosis. I probably should? I definitely need a therapist, that way I can talk this stuff out with a professional instead of rambling on a blog post just to try and calm down from a random anxiety attack. I remember classmates and chaperones resenting the fact that I got left behind on that trip because I didn’t want to jaywalk. So I had to get help from some local cops who set me up with a cab back to the hotel because I was lost and nobody thought to look if I was left behind. People would talk down to me all the time, too. Treat me like a child. And why? Because I liked cartoons? Because I’m asexual and aromantic? GOD. I remember classmates in middle school were SO OFFENDED by my asexuality, too. I recall this one girl being like, “you better get a boyfriend or people might think you’re a ~lesbian~”. ...okay, first of all. What if I was? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m not- I don’t really feel that kinda attraction to anyone. But. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans, NB, etc, etc. THESE PEOPLE EXIST. People who are not straight and/or cis exist. And also, thirteen year olds acting like they NEED to rush into relationships... That’s. Extremely concerning to me. It always was. But I guess I was just... desensitized over time because of how sexualized the climate was during those days. And it wasn’t just at school.

I have a long history of RPing. When I was in middle school, I was basically pressured into RPing a nsfw situation by some castmates. I should have said no, but I was scared to. And I think, ultimately, that also led to me being desensitized. Because that stuff was everywhere. These were RPs with young teenagers AND adults as players and nobody put their foot down and said, “hey, maybe DON’T RP nsfw in a space with minors”. Nobody said LOCK those posts. Tag them nsfw. It was just there. Out in the open. I was fourteen. And I’m not here to say that all NSFW content is inherently bad or that every adult should constantly be monitoring every space. Internet strangers are not babysitters. I get that. But I do think it’s a problem when communities full of young teens AND adults are too lax on the former’s access to 18+ content. Because there’s a difference between someone ignoring age restrictions and warnings and accidentally coming across content or being pressured to participate in such content. Now. Over time, people wised up. Many of these communities DID eventually lock that stuff to 18+. But a lot of open meme and sandbox communities did not. There were posts that’d devolve into smut on a regular basis that weren’t tagged or properly warned. But because I’d been exposed to this kinda stuff for so many years- it didn’t hit me that there was a lack of moderation. I was taught that it just comes with the territory because “this is the internet.” So for a long time, I just... accepted that. “It’s the internet.” Even within the past few years, I held onto that mindset because... it was just. What I was used to. I didn’t like it, but I assumed that was just... how things go and to express otherwise was pointless. I still don’t condone online harassment and I do think people will take properly tagged fandom content way too far (even if I disagree WITH said content)- but this isn’t ABOUT that. Because properly tagged content establishes the boundaries that were so wholly lacking in these spaces. And the fact is, I don’t LIKE that I am/was desensitized. Because the truth is, I didn’t LIKE any of it. I didn’t like the scenario I was coerced into as a young teen through RP. I didn’t like how easy it was to just... stumble upon NSFW content on accident. It’s just... I dunno. I just don’t know, and I hate that I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t let it get to me. It’s just online stuff that happened ten to twelve years ago, right? It’s nowhere near as serious as the actual sexual abuse and the actual bullying... but I think it still affected me. And just like with my cousin before, I didn’t really... talk to anyone about it? It was a very different fandom climate. The early to late 2000′s were very different. And I think just... it bothers me. That it took this long for me to realize that maybe this stuff affected me after all. Like. I’m a CSA survivor and it only JUST now clicked that I am? What’s up with that? Like. I don’t know. I need a therapist. I think I’ve needed one for years given how often I fall victim to invasive thoughts, how often I get too scared to speak my mind, how eager I am to please EVERYONE and thus it is SO hard for me to confront people when I am upset or draw the line. I’m constantly worrying about hurting or upsetting people so sometimes I guess I’m cowardly. Because I guess it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed? Just... avoiding. Turning a blind eye. That’s probably not okay either. But I think the root of it all really is just from my childhood. How going to adults when I was bullied or abused never seemed to DO anything. So maybe I just developed a worst case scenario mindset. I just don’t know, so that’s why I need some help. So I can just... work this all out. I guess a part of me is just a little scared. And that’s stupid. Why should I be scared of something that can only HELP me? Ranting on tumblr can only do so much. But for now, just getting it off my chest is the best I can do. It’s a start, anyway.

#dorkvents #personal #tw: trauma #tw: csa #tw: homophobia #tw: aphobia #tw: incest #tw: ableism #tw: abuse #tw: bullying #basically i have a lot of baggage #and it only just hit me how much baggage i actually have #if you want me to add TW tags PLEASE let me know #i will absolutely accommodate #i just want to be able to move on but it's really hard to let go

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theasstour · 5 years

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0202. Très calme.

Friday, 25 September 2015

FIC PAGE | CHAPTER SYMPHONY | WORD COUNT: 10.1k

NB: explicit language, mentions of metal disorders

“Fucking finally,” Finn said as he opened the door to the Ensemble II seminar room for Y/N, letting her walk in first. “We’re finally in the same seminar. And on Friday’s as well! Gonna be sick.”

Y/N smiled, sitting down by one of the three round seminar tables in the room, looking around at all the other ones that had already turned up as well. Teresa was late as usual, having overslept and not wanting Y/N to wait for her so she had urged her to leave without her. But there were other people in the seminar besides the three of them, one other person sitting on their table, and three others on another one, and a single loner on the third. The walls a modern white, the huge tables matching, that way the students wouldn’t be distracted by bright colours, and would rather focus on the blackboard at the front of the class. Y/N let her eyes glide over the blackboard, the remains of old music notes still scribbled on the green surface, not properly washed away. Studying the people in her new seminar group, Y/N quickly recognised one of the faces.

She leaned closer to Finn, mumbling lowly. “Is that Blessing?” Y/N looked over at the other table discreetly and Finn frowned a little at her before quickly looking over his shoulder.

“Bloody hell,” he said, clicking his pen. “She looks a bit out of place, doesn’t she?”

“Had completely forgotten she did Music as well.” Y/N admitted, getting her laptop out of her rucksack.

“Don’t really keep tabs on who studies what anymore. I know what my mates do and that’s all I need, to be fair.”

Y/N rolled her eyes playfully, making Finn chuckle.

“Fine then.” Finn said, watching as Y/N started up her laptop. “Forgot to ask you Tuesday when we met after Ways of Hearing II,” he began, leaning his elbows on the table and glancing at Y/N, eyes comforting. “How are you after Sunday?”

Y/N frowned a little, trying to act as if she hadn’t a clue what Finn was on about. “What do you mean?”

“After Harry and Becky.” Finn specified, face scrunching up. “Can only assume it wasn’t the easiest thing to watch.”

Y/N looked away from Finn, typing in the password on her laptop before answering. “There was nothing to watch. Don’t know what you’re trying-“

“-Piss right off if you’re going to sit here and pretend like you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about.” Finn said, eyes narrowed. “Wade and I noticed the way you were looking at them, how upset you were. You and Harry didn’t even talk all night, for fuck’s sake.”

Y/N’s eyes fell to her keyboard as she fell against the back of her chair.

“It’s alright to admit you were upset- that you are upset.” Finn reassured her, voice lower now that he wasn’t aggressively trying to get a point across. “You and Harry were… well, you were something. He was well sad when you didn’t want anything to do with him.”

Y/N shook her head, Finn instantly blinked in confused response. “Don’t.” She whispered; voice breathy. Finn instantly understood that he had overstepped a line, resting an arm on the back of her chair to let her know he meant no harm. “There’s something… something that happened… that happened in Hawkley.”

“What?” Finn asked, not having heard her as she talked in a barely audible whisper.

Y/N closed her eyes, willing the words out even though they almost wouldn’t come. It was like finding out how a square could fit through a hole shaped like a triangle, so Y/N dwarfed the square and forced it through.

“Someone’s lied to me before.” She finally said, feeling her palms grow sweaty. “I don’t- I don’t want it to happen again.”

“Y/N…” Finn said, voice trailing off.

She shook her head again, singling that she didn’t want to talk about it any further. Getting the memo, Finn squeezed Y/N to him for a sideways hug, and the two fell silent, nether of them feeling like talking after that. It was clear that the presence of Blessing, one of Becky’s friends, had caused this conversation; Becky, a person that had been nothing but malicious the whole time Y/N had known her. And all the while, Y/N had also imagined all of the members of Becky’s group to fit that stereotype as well; a popular and crude bitch with bad intentions. But as Y/N looked over her shoulder at where Blessing was sitting, she realised she was there all by herself. No one around her seemed to even know who she was. Y/N realised she had been wrong to tar Blessing with the same brush as she did Becky, but it was hard when the only thing she associated Blessing with was Becky. As she sat there, all by herself drawing something into her notebook, she seemed so unlike Becky it startled Y/N a little.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Finn said. “But it’s obviously something that’s been dragging both you and Harry down all summer.”

Y/N nodded, looking from Finn and to her dark laptop screen.

“All summer meaning five months.”

“I know how many months it’s been.”

“I’m just trying to make you realise how much you two need to talk about.” Finn’s voice was careful, as if he knew he was threading on dangerous territory, but he needed to say this or else he might actually explode. “Because he won’t take the first step when you told him to back off, you know that. He respects your decision way more than I think you know.”

Y/N kept quiet, letting Finn’s words ring inside her head till she knew they were true. The lecturer - Mr Goddard this time again - walked into the seminar room not long after, Teresa following right in his heels and plopping down next to Y/N still heaving from running.

The seminar rushed by as there was quite literally nothing to do except for introduce the new module they were all taking this year and what was to come. Goddard informed them of the exam in December, how they would perform as a group this time as the group was bigger this year and he wanted to hear everyone play together. Finn, Teresa, and Y/N instantly scared glances between them, already having established they would form a group for the exam. It was good to have both Teresa and Finn this time around, as Finn would be constantly talking when he could and Teresa would chime in with the occasional retort, while Y/N would jump in whenever she felt like it. It was very relaxing, and Y/N knew she would like her time in Ensemble II very much.

As the three hours were up, everyone packed their things together and walked out into the hallway of the Antonin Artaud Building, the similar sounds of an instrument being played somewhere, laughter, and people running to catch their seminar or the bus. When they reached the big, open foyer, Y/N was almost anticipating seeing Harry. Almost expected him to say his usual raspy “Darling” and beam at her once she turned around and their eyes met. Almost waited for him to wait for her. But he wasn’t there.

Y/N excused herself, telling her two mates she was off to the library to loan a book she would need for an essay due in two weeks. The lot parted ways and Y/N strolled toward the library, trying to forget all about the charming Mancunian she had gotten so used to over her first year at Battersea. She opened the doors into the library, walking straight for the music section and to the shelf she knew the book was on. Getting her phone out, Y/N memorised the number of the book, sliding her finger across the spines as she looked for the correct letters and numbers that would lead her to the exact copy she wanted to loan. Slowly she walked along the books, squinting to focus extra hard. Looking up and down at the hundreds of books she was passing, trying to register all of them all at once. It was quiet in the library, smelling of a mix of old books rarely opened and new books which had recently been added to the huge collection at Battersea. Soft tapping of someone writing away on the keyboard sounded off in the distance, and someone whispering from a cubicle further down was barely a disturbance while Y/N hunted.

A bang.

Y/N gasped. A hand coming up to cover her racing heart as she turned around to look at what had caused her to jump. Wide eyed, Y/N looked around her aisle where the bang had come from. No one was there. Looking the other way up the aisle, and no one was there either. About to take a step to the right to get a better look at the aisle and what had happened, Y/N stepped on something. She jumped again, not anticipating an obstacle. A book. That was what had caused the commotion. Leaning down, Y/N picked it up and quickly found the exact spot it had fallen from. It was on the same shelf she had been dragging her finger along. Weird coincidence, Y/N thought, smiling a bit to herself. Pushing some of the books aside to fit the fallen one between then, Y/N stopped. In the tiny slit between the two books Y/N could just make out an eye. On the other side of the aisle stood another person looking straight at her. The book on their side that stood in the exact same spot as the one she was holding, was gone. She couldn’t make out an eye colour. Couldn’t make out the gender. Couldn’t see anything. She just saw the white of their eye. And then they slammed the book back into place and took off.

Standing there dumfounded, Y/N blinked a few times, absolutely in shock at what had just happened. A thousand thoughts raced through her mind, none of them coherent, and she felt a little dizzy all of a sudden. Footsteps led away from her on the other side of the bookshelf. The person was getting away. Y/N would never know who this person was unless she ran now. But she just stood here. Unable to do anything. Unable to move. Unable to be. She blinked. Inhaled. Blinked. Exhaled. Until the footsteps couldn’t be heard anymore. Until she was seriously all alone. Only then did she put the book back in place.

It felt weird looking for the book for her essay now, after what had just happened. Felt weird going on living after that bizarre meeting. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before, and she had no idea what she should have done. In retrospect, Y/N knew she should have put the book back just as fast as that person and followed them. Asked them if they were the reason she felt unsafe and weird being in the library. But though Y/N had a huge heart for winning and being right, she did not like confrontation. Asking someone straight out what they wanted with her or telling them why they bothered her wasn’t something Y/N thought she could ever do. Standing around and doing nothing was her forte.

On autopilot, Y/N found the book she was looking for and went to loan it. The way back to Alfriston Road - through Clapham Common where the trees and grass were green, and people laid on their picnic blankets soaking up the last sun autumn had to offer – Y/N couldn’t focus on anything but what had just happened. Her heart was still beating too fast and her mind was everywhere. To calm down, she sat down on the memorial bench of someone named Leigh, and took her phone out of her rucksack. Without thinking too much, Y/N started typing away and hit send before she could think.

Y/N Hi. Do you have time to talk sometime soon? Feel like we might need to.

Closing her phone and resting it between her hands in her lap, Y/N sat back on the bench and looked around. Clapham Common seemed oddly peaceful for it being rush hour on a Friday afternoon. A man walked past her in a hurry, someone further away played some radio hits on their speaker, and some kids ran away on the big lawn right ahead of her. The tree overhead blew in the wind, as did her hair, the familiar sound of leaves moving against one another to create natures music and some even falling to the ground as the effect of autumn really starting to have its effect now. The sun shone down through the trees, ray of beams flickering against Y/N’s trouser-covered thighs and the bench she was sitting on. The bench felt old, like it had been sat on by a lot of people over many years, the tree not as fine and would undoubtably hand out splinters if it felt like it. Letting her hand slide over the surface, she could almost feel all the different layers, dents, and bumps the bench harboured, the rough life it’d had so far and what was to come. Y/N tried to focus on all of these things instead of thinking about how long it was taking Harry to answer her text. He wasn’t usually this bad, he’d always get back to her right away, sometimes even double text. As she sat there waiting, 10 minutes passing by, then 20, then 30, all she could think about was how she had gotten so painfully used to Harry always being there. And now that he wasn’t, she wasn’t sure how to properly behave.

Her phone suddenly vibrated. She sat bolt upright.

Harry Hi. Yes, we do. When’s best for you?

Y/N tried to breathe slowly, telling herself to calm down, it was just Harry. It was just Harry. But… it was also… Harry; Harry, whom she had missed more than she thought she’d ever miss anyone, whom had made her feel special and seen and important whenever they were together and even when they weren’t, whom she wanted and needed and longed for. Slowly, Y/N took a breath and started typing out a message.

Y/N Performing tonight at The Magic Garden, Battersea. Could come when set is done?

Harry Wicked. 21:30?

He remembered?, Y/N thought to herself, blinking a few times to ensure this text was real. He remembered when her sets usually ended. She had only told him once right before the first performance at The Junction. And he had remembered.

Y/N Yea.

Harry See you then.

She closed her eyes, feeling her shoulders slump for a single second now that she had done what she had wanted to do for months, but rise right back up again as she realised she’d have to meet and confront Harry tonight. As dangerous as this all was, Y/N knew she needed to do this. Knew that this was what should have been done all along. Harry had been a knobhead for not trying to reach out all summer, and she had been a plonker for thinking that pushing Harry away was a good idea. Everything had happened so fast at The Junction. Everything with Harry’s dad, what Y/N had overheard, and the way the whole situation had been handled. If she had known what she knew now, Y/N wouldn’t have reacted the way she had. Wouldn’t have made the mistakes she made because in the long run it had only hurt everyone around her. Most of all her and Harry.

So, she got up off the bench, and started making her way back to her house. The spire to St Barnabas Church rose above the top of the trees lining the outside of Clapham Common, the sun shining on the grey stone building as the afternoon started turning to evening. Y/N realised that she had to leave for The Magic Garden in not too long, so getting home to make a quick dinner and relax some before her and Teresa had to head for the tube. But first, she took a slight stroll through the park, taking her time to blow off some steam after all of today’s events, both those that had already occurred and those that were to come.

It would be a long Friday, Y/N thought when she reached the rim of the park, her street visible in the distance. It would be a long Friday, Y/N thought, but it was a long awaited one.

Y/N brought her violin up to her shoulder, placing her chin on the rest, and taking a look at the music stand behind Teresa. The two girls shared a look, Teresa counting down from three, and Y/N started playing Blackbird by The Beatles. Teresa tapped her boot against the stage floor, creating a rhythm for both of them to follow, and also to match the patting from the original. With her eyes closed, Y/N followed Teresa’s voice and tapping.

Before going to The Magic Garden, Y/N had talked with Finn on the phone. She was getting dressed, putting on her black checked slim leg trousers, lined with white, blue and mustard yellow. A button up black baggy cardigan, tucking it into her trousers, and throwing it over her shoulders a bit so her cleavage wouldn’t be on show. The tucked in cardigan hung down on her sides, only showing off the beige button at the hem of trousers. With high-heeled black boots, hair loose, slight layer of make-up, and a gold-plated pendant necklace, Y/N was ready to play some violin. All the while she was getting ready, Finn was moaning over the phone about a party he had been invited to on his way home. Mumbling away about how he couldn’t go because he had already promised Y/N he would watch her perform at The Magic Garden. After 10 minutes of listening to Finn complaining, Y/N gave in and told him it was fine if he’d rather go to the party. She would perform some other time, and he could come watch then.

“A bloody saint, you are.” Finn said, sounding absolutely ecstatic. “Sick, now I can go get ready to look hot.”

“You weren’t going to dress up to look good for my performance then?” Y/N teased, applying her mascara.

“No offence, Y/N,” Finn said, rustling around his closet. “But I never dress to impress with you. Soz, love.”

“Why are you apologising?” Y/N laughed. “We’re mates.”

“Well, I never know what’s gonna make shit hit the fan, do I?!” Finn stressed, making Y/N laugh even more. “Besides,” he huffed. “I never need to consciously look for clothes to absolutely smash it in, because whatever I throw on, I’ll look like a fucking 10.”

Y/N chuckled. “Nice, glad you have loads of confidence in yourself throwing on black jeans and a white tee shirt.”

“Alright, alright, no need bashing my sense of style, yea?!”

And so the conversation had gone, the two talking while they got ready. Y/N relaxed when talking to him, and that’s how she knew she had found a good friend in Finn. Though they quite frankly were the complete opposite of one another, they still fit like friends often did.

Y/N and Teresa finished Blackbird, quickly getting ready for Don’t Worry Baby by The Beach Boys. They shared another glance, Teresa counter from three, and then they started again. Y/N closed her eyes again, focusing on the music and that alone. Once the world was black behind her eyelids, everything seemed a little less scary. With the world in complete darkness, nothing seemed of very big importance anymore. But Y/N knew that if she was to ever do well as a musician, she needed to open her eyes once. If she ever felt like she had forgotten a note or if she ever felt very insecure she had the music sheet before her if she needed, and she needed to learn how to properly use it. Biting her lip, telling her body to stay calm and her heart to not leap out of her chest, Y/N opened her eyes. The music sheet was where she left it. It stood untouched, illuminated, and ready whenever.

Resisting the urge to shut her eyelids again, Y/N read the notes while playing Don’t Worry Baby. Although she already knew the song, it was reassuring to know that if she ever slipped or forgot something, the sheet would be there. Though she was still entranced by the music she was producing, Y/N still heard the door into The Magic Garden open and Teresa halt a little as she sang. Y/N didn’t pay it too much notice, because having her eyes open in the first place was enough for her to pay attention to.

Once the song was done and applause erupted from the room, Teresa turned around abruptly and looked at Y/N with huge eyes. Y/N only frowned at her. Teresa then tried to mouth something at her, but she was awful at mouthing things, so Y/N only looked at her weird until she stopped. Rolling her eyes, Teresa looked out across the room, leaning into the microphone.

“This is our last song this evening.” She said, receiving some sad ‘whoops’ from around the room. “So we’re going to make it a slow one. Thanks for having us Magic Garden.”

Applause once again, some whistles and hoots, making the girls look at one another again. Teresa tried mouthing something again, but Y/N only shook her head. Annoyed, Teresa counted from three, and they started playing Can’t Nobody Love You by The Zombies. Y/N had her eyes on the music sheet again, eyes glued to it the whole time like averting her eyes meant the world would collapse around her. However, in her peripheral vision, Y/N noticed Teresa turning around to look at her an awful lot compared to how she usually stood looking out across their audience.

Y/N then did something she never would’ve done if she hadn’t been curious at nature. If her need to know everything that was going on hadn’t kicked in, the Y/N wouldn’t have done it. But she needed to know what Teresa was doing, and looking at one of her best friends while playing wouldn’t throw her off, surely. Meeting Teresa’s eyes, she gave Y/N a smile before she glance out over the pub again, specifically towards the bar.

“Listen now,” Teresa sang, swaying along to Y/N’s violin. “Sam bought you cake and ice cream, called you cherry pie. Ray Charles called you his sunshine.”

Y/N looked towards the bar. And there her eyes landed on a very familiar face.

“But you’re the apple, the apple of my eye, ooh.”

Harry was staring directly at her, eyelids lowered as if the sound of her violin was bringing him off to lands of dreams and everything heavenly. Mouth parted and leaning his elbows against the bar counter, wearing a checked dark beige jacket with brown, white and red lined, and a glass of water in his hand.

“Can’t nobody love you, like I’m loving you right now. Cause they don’t know how to love you like I do.”

Having opened her eyes in the first place was a huge step for Y/N. Having looked at Teresa was a bigger one. But looking out across the audience and meeting Harry’s eyes? To say it threw her off was an understatement. Teresa was on the last line of the song, Y/N supposed to be playing through it and some notes more once she was finished. But halfway through Teresa’s line, Y/N hit the wrong note, and then the next one followed, and the next one, and the next one, until Y/N just placed her violin by her side. She looked away from Harry and at her sheet, then closed her eyes. Once again Y/N started cursing herself for giving up the second she managed to do something wrong. The moment she hit a wrong note, it was impossible for her to come back and continue on playing through the song. It made her appear weak, like she didn’t know what she was doing, but she was. She knew 100% what she was doing. But her head stopped her. It always did.

Feeling embarrassed and not at all good enough, Y/N stayed with her eyes closed, willing her heart rate to slow down. It was hard to think about anything but what she could have done differently. If she hadn’t been s incredibly curious, she wouldn’t have looked at Teresa, and if she hadn’t looked at Teresa she wouldn’t have glanced out across the audience and found Harry watching her. Though she wanted to find another explanation and blame someone other than herself, it all came down to her going out of her comfort zone and opening her eyes while playing her violin. There were so many things she could have done different. Why had she put more faith in herself than she usually trusted herself to? It felt like Y/N’s entire ribcage would burst wit the pressure of it all.

“Like I do.” Teresa sang, holding her high note for longer than she needed, and Y/N knew it was because she had just messed up. To cover it up a bit, and she appreciated that. She knew it wasn’t to fix whatever Y/N had ruined, but so people wouldn’t notice the violin too much, and rather pay attention to her voice. Once Teresa was done, Y/N opened her eyes, and applause sounded again. The two girls bowed, smiling at each other and the audience. Y/N glanced over at where Harry stood, clapping along with the rest and the tiniest of smiles on his lips. The same exact one he’d given her after she had played for him on her violin for the first time in her dorm room. It seemed like lifetimes ago. Y/N looked away.

They turned around and started packing up their stuff, Y/N placing her violin in its case. Teresa came up beside her, throwing her hoodie on and glancing at Y/N with wide eyes.

“Did you know he was coming?” She mumbled, not wanting anyone but them two to hear the conversation.

Y/N nodded, resisting the urge to look in Harry’s direction and see if he was staying put or walking in her direction. “We’re… I asked him if he wanted to talk things through, so that’s what we’re doing.”

Teresa raised her eyebrows. “You are? You did?”

“I know.” Y/N huffed. “Can’t quite believe it myself, to be honest.”

“So, what are you going to do?” Teresa put her bag on her shoulder, watching as Y/N put on her tan suedette trucker jacket. “Are you going to stay here and talk? Go someplace else? What are you going to be discussing? I need all the details. Everything.”

Y/N smiled a little. “Can’t give you all the details when I know none of the answers, can I?”

Teresa smiled back. “Fine, I’ll let you off, but know that I’m in one of the bean bags at home waiting for all the details, yea?”

Y/N nodded, giving Teresa a hug and a kiss on her cheek before she walked off. Turning back to her violin, she closed her case, hoisting it onto her back before checking the time on her phone. 21:34.

“Y/N.”

Her heart must’ve almost given out at the sound of his voice because her entire body started prickling. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Harry standing there in all his glory, looking up at her with a serious gleam to his face. He was wearing his black turtleneck, a shiny black necklace with a simple shiny square hanging around his clothes throat. The jumper was tucked into his baggy beige cropped jeans – fitted tightly to his waist by a black belt hanging down the front - that he had rolled up to just show the long white socks he was wearing under his black converse. He was so handsome Y/N found it hard to form a response. But just like she had studied him, he studied her as well. Eyes sliding from the tips of her black boots and all the way up to her hair and her eyes. He swallowed thickly, inhaling hugely as she turned completely around to face her.

“Hi.” She said, voice weak and breaking towards the end. She cleared her throat.

“You alright?” He asked, stepping back to allow her to walk down from the small stage.

“Could be better, you?”

“Could be better.” He smiled a little at her, and she smiled back. “What do you-“ He stopped himself, seeming to not know the right words to say. “How do you- What do you want to do?”

Y/N giggled a little, finding his nervousness adorable as he was very clearly anxious as to how he should do this the right way so not to mess everything up again. “Have you eaten yet?”

“I have, but if you want, we could take a bite somewhere.” Harry suggested, speaking faster than he usually did.

Y/N bit her lip, trying not to smile too big at him. He had never acted like this before. “I’ve eaten too, just wanted to make sure you had. We could…” She shrugged, thinking a bit. “Just take a walk?”

Harry put his hands in his jacket pockets. “I’ll walk you home, takes about 30 minutes.”

Y/N nodded. “And if we’re not done talking by then, we’ll just take a stroll through Common.”

“We can do that regardless of having stuff to talk about still or not.” Harry said in that same voice Y/N was so used to, and it sent shivers up her spine. “See how we feel once we get there, yea?”

Y/N nodded again, her hair moving along with each bob, and she saw Harry’s eyes drift there, taking it in. She remembered him saying he loved it when she nodded because her hair would nod along with her. Suddenly, Y/N felt her cheeks heat up. Harry bit his lips together as their eyes met again, and the he walked for the door, making sure Y/N was following behind, holding the door up for her as they reached the darkening London evening outside. The sky was dark, a light blue showing along the rooftops, and orange, pink mingling with it. It wasn’t too cold yet, it was too early in autumn for it to be, but she still tucked her hands into the pockets of her trucker jacket. Harry led the way, Y/N falling into step behind him as they turned left after exiting The Magic Garden, continuing down Alfreda Street. They strolled in silence, the square flat buildings on either side of them shining with the occasional light indicating someone being home. Still not talking yet, they turned left once they reached Strasburg Road. Tall buildings, overflowing bins, and cars were lined up on either side of the pavement, making them feel almost trapped.

“So,” Y/N said after they had already walked ten minutes in complete quiet, only the hum of London, cars, and trains accompanying them. They had reached the little underground by Ravent Street leading to Queenstown Road, the echo of their steps, trains driving past above them, and now, Y/N’s voice, everything they knew. “How was your summer?”

“Good.” Harry answered, nodding his head. “Yea, it was good. Spent most of it in Manchester and visited Finn in Brighton for a week with Wade and Sai. How was yours?”

“Calm, didn’t do much. Helped dad out on the farm quite a lot and spent almost all my time with my little brother.” Y/N explained. “If you were in Brighton for a week you weren’t too far away from Hawkley, actually.”

“Really? How abouts?”

“An hour and a half by car.”

“Would’ve told you we were there if I knew you were that close.” Harry said. “Will remember it for next time.”

“Can’t wait.” Y/N said just as they reached Queenstown Road, walking down to the right. They fell silent again, both not really knowing how to bring all of this up in a minimal awkward manner. But it proved to be impossible, because the quiet droned on and on and on.

“Okay,” Harry said suddenly, making Y/N blink in surprise. “I know why you wanted to talk to me.”

Y/N looked at him. “You do?”

“Well,” Harry glanced back at her, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s about what happened in April, yea?”

“Partly.” Y/N admitted. “I need to get some things off my chest as well.”

“Oh,” Harry seemed a little shocked, staring ahead. “Okay. Wicked. Cool.”

Y/N tried not to smile as the nervous side of him showed again.

“I guess I should start by telling you that my dad is a bit of a nutter.” Harry said, wetting his lips before he continued. “He’s mad rich because he sold his company some years ago, which basically gave him enough money to live as comfortably as he wants for at least three lifetimes. This being said, he hasn’t got loads on his plate anymore. He travels a lot, goes golfing, does whatever the fuck else he finds amusing, and… he spends time with me because I’m the only family he has left.��

Y/N listened intently, wrapping her arms around herself as she continued to listen to him, feeling the straps of her violin case hard against her shoulders.

“My mum died when I was 12.”

Y/N’s head whipped up to look at Harry.

“So, 8 years ago this year.”

Y/N opened her mouth to say she was sorry for his loss, but she knew Harry had gotten enough pity and though he would probably appreciate her condolences, it was also 8 years ago. He had moved on. Somewhat at least.

“She worked as a doctor, mostly staying in Manchester, but she was so good with this specific condition that she was called in loads of places to help. You’ve heard of spina bifida.” Harry said, clearing his throat, and Y/N almost stopped right in her tracks.

“My brother’s got it.”

“Yea?” Harry glanced at Y/N, and then straight ahead again. “Anyway,” Y/N frowned a little at Harry brushing off the fact that they had a little something in slight common. “My dad loved my mum, so much so that he would do right about anything for her. She loved him back, and they were incredibly happy together. I grew up in a very loving home.”

They stopped by a crossing right by a café named Senero Y/N remembered Tiana talking about some days prior. Harry clicked the button and they started waiting for the light to turn green so they could continue their stroll.

“But my dad was a very dedicated man. He loved his company, loved earning a lot of money, and he loved spoiling his family to fucking pieces.”

“Mind if I ask what kind of company your dad owned?”

“Something to do with oil.” Harry explained. “Never knew the details, to be honest, just the slight gist.”

Y/N nodded as the light beeped, indicating it was safe to cross the road. They continued down Cedars Road, Clapham Common just visible in the distance.

“As his company grew big, he started spending more time in his office, at work, and traveling with work more than he was at home with my mum and I. Mum didn’t like that because it meant I would be alone all day every Tuesday when she travelled around helping hospitals around the country. It also meant we rarely saw my dad. They started arguing a lot, and it ended in my dad making the ultimate sacrifice for what would be best for our family, which was to sell his company.”

Y/N looked Harry as he sighed heavily.

“My mum died not long after that and my dad… he took it very hard.” Harry explained. “Started acting strange and obsessing over small things, had to see a therapist once a week. When it was at its worse, he saw her three times a week.”

Y/N frowned, feeling sorry for Harry again.

“It was a very hard period in my life, and he’s still acting weird, hence why he looks into all of my friends’ family and all of their information. He needs to know I’m safe, that nothing will ever happen to me because if anything did it’ll fucking break him.” Harry said, biting his lip. “I’m sorry he did that to you. That he knows your whole name and loads about you. Nothing to do with you, everything to do with him.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, no reason to be. Your dad can’t control his behaviour and you don’t have to be ashamed of it.” She reassured Harry, making him let out a long sigh.

“I’m glad you think of it that way.” He said. “Because…” He trailed off, brows in a furrow.

“What?” Y/N asked, frowning as well.

Harry spent the next minute thinking of how to phrase what he was going to say next, which had Y/N’s anxiety fly off into orbit. She gave him the time he needed, as rushing him would be good for no one. Hooking her thumbs around the straps of her violin case, Y/N let Harry find his words.

“I sometimes came along with mum when she travelled.” Harry explained. “Would help her if she needed help and would tag along if I didn’t have anything better to do that day and I didn’t have school.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“It was.” Harry nodded, opening his mouth and then quickly closing it. He looked at the ground. “One time I came with her when she was going to Oxford.”

Y/N blinked, her steps slowing as she listened more intently.

“And this young boy was brought in along with his sister.”

Her head turned slowly in his direction as they stopped to cross the road again, Harry clicking the button for the light. Clapham Common was on the other side of the road, huge and free of people now that London was left in the complete darkness of the night.

“He was 10, and I remember my mum liking this client a lot. Said he was a charming one.”

Y/N didn’t know what to say.

“She was right, he was very nice. I sat in the corner of her office in a chair, observing everything, and she made me come up to introduce myself to both him and his sister.” The beeping began and the two walked across the street and into Common. “I remember her the lad said ‘Sorry, would’ve sat up’ – because he was lying on the table ready for inspection – ‘but I’m unable to at the moment’. He laughed, my mum as well, and so I did too. His sister, however, wasn’t so amused and said ‘Because that’s so funny’.”

Y/N stopped walking; Harry turned around when he noticed her absence. They looked at each other, Y/N’s mouth hanging open.

“Fast forward to my first night going out at uni. I stood outside the loo waiting for my mate to finish fucking a girl in there, when this girl comes and stands not far from me. She says ‘At least they’re having fun’, and I retort ‘We’re out here waiting for them to blow their load so we can go home. I don’t give a shit of they’re having fun’.” Harry took a step toward Y/N, swallowing thickly. “And she said ‘At least they’re not waiting outside for someone to be done shagging so they can go back to their flat and to bed. Because that’s so fun.’”

Y/N couldn’t believe it.

“It was the way you said it that…” Harry said, voice airy like he was reliving the moment in his head. “Emphasising on ‘so’ and delivering it in a sassy manner that took me off guard… both times.”

Y/N looked around the park, searching for someplace she could sit down and take this all in. “Your- Your mum was Claudia?”

Harry watched as Y/N’s breathing quickened, walking toward her in case she might need a helping hand or feet. “Yes.”

“But her last name was Parr.”

“She never took my dad’s name and he never took hers.” Harry explained. “When they married, I mean.”

“I-“ Y/N swallowed, making a choking noise. “Could we sit down somewhere?”

“Sure- fuck.” Harry said, turning around and stepping on a branch he hadn’t seen there. He reached his hand out to her, looking over his shoulder to see if she was coming and if she was okay to walk. It was clear he had known the news of them having met before would shock Y/N to no end, and he was prepared to make her as comfortable as possible around him. However, still startled, Y/N only stared at his outreached hand, mouth open as tried to breathe calmly. She just stood there. So, Harry felt silly and almost let his hand fall back to his side. But then Y/N took his hand right before it fell against his thigh, and the two of them started walking. A little startled that she had wanted to hold his and at all, Harry looked down at their joined hands before looking up at her walking beside him, blinking rapidly and eyes frantically moving around her face to take her in completely.

They walked along the path sported by huge oak trees on either side, autumn leaves scattered on the ground and on the branches overhead. It was so peaceful there now, without anyone else around and only the cars driving past on the road behind them audible along with their footsteps.

“So,” Y/N started. “Why-“

But she was quickly interrupted as she stepped on a semi-large rock in the middle of the road. She felt something snap in her left ankle just before she fell to the ground. Groaning, Y/N closed her eyes in frustration as she hit the grass, feeling Harry’s hand slip out of hers. Landing on her side, Y/N felt her elbow hurt as it had taken some of the fall, but the rest of her body only ached some. She knew how to angle herself in case she fell. Her dad had thought her all about it ever since she was little and started working on the farm with him.

“Fuck.” Harry said, running to Y/N’s aid. “You alright?”

“All good, just sprained my ankle some.” She explained, looking unfaced and Harry seemed confused. “I’ve done it loads before. My left ankle is very weak because of it.”

She started getting up, and felt both of Harry’s hands on both her upper arms, helping her into a standing position. He checked that the violin was okay, brushed away some of the grass and dry mud on her jacket, and sighed once he was done.

“A weak left ankle.” He said lowly. “Now I know that as well.”

Y/N felt herself smile a little. Such a useless little fact about her that he would remember. She tried to move her ankle around in circles to check how bad the sprain was, but seeing as she was able to move it around in the first place it wasn’t a bad one at all. Taking her first step, she felt all the blood that was pooling into her ankle, and also how sore it was. It would be huge tomorrow if she didn’t get home to put something cold against it to prevent the swelling from getting out of hand. Harry watched as she threaded carefully, arms resting in front of him and ready to catch her if she should fall again. It hurt, of course it did, but she just had to walk normally and slowly and she’d be fine.

“Wanna walk back to out street right away?” Harry asked, ready to get her home so she could rest. It had obviously been a long day.

“Yea. Sorry for cutting everything short. Was kind of looking forward to a stroll in Common.” Y/N admitted.

“Well,” Harry said as they started walking again. “We’re still going to walk through Common to get home. So, technically, we’re doing our stroll.”

Y/N giggled a little and the two started walking again, only now making sure to walk in a pace that allowed Y/N to feel the most comfortable.

“What were you going to ask earlier?” Harry asked, looking at her feet as she walked slash limped.

Y/N thought for some seconds. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Why didn’t you just tell me right away?”

Harry shrugged. “Dunno. Think I might’ve been scared what you would’ve thought of me afterwards. Living with a crazy father, my dead mother used to help your brother with his spina bifida, we met 7 years before uni but you didn’t seem to remember.” Harry shrugged. “Not a good conversation starter, is it?”

“But…” Y/N frowned a little. “It’s still something that ties us; you and I. Your mother and my brother.”

Harry nodded.

“Regardless of it not being a good conversation starter, I think telling me earlier would’ve been easier. I would’ve understood everything with your dad and not overreacted, this summer wouldn’t have happened the way it did, and…” She trailed off, her eyes falling to his lips for a split second before she looked at the road ahead.

Harry tried not to smile.

“Was that why we were around each other so much at the beginning of year 1?” She asked, feeling her heart sink a little at the thought. “Why we started talking in the first place and why you kept on talking to me? Because of your mum?”

Harry sighed, looking ahead as well. “I would be lying if it didn’t intrigue me.”

Y/N bit her lip.

“She liked you and your brother so much, I wanted to know why. I wanted to get to know you.” Harry explained.

“She gave my brother a necklace.”

Harry’s jaw tensed. “She did.”

Y/N shook her head, feeling pathetic. “I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about your mum if you don’t want to.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Harry assured her, biting the inside of his cheek a little. “I… I just…” He stopped talking for a bit to think, and Y/N let him. “Just want you to know that no matter what I’ve done in the past, me intrigued by you because my mum loved you and your brother, I want you to know…” He looked at her again, making sure her eyes were locked in his as he said, “Want you to know it’s not like that anymore. I’m not here because of that. I’m here because of you.”

Y/N only glanced at him, unsure of what to say or what that meant.

“I’m here because no matter how hard I try to tell myself differently, you’re everything and all I think about.” He said. “After this summer I was sure you’d never want to see my face again, and I was ready to try and forget you, but it proved impossible.”

Y/N bit her lip, Harry’s eyes falling to them before he looked up and into her eyes again.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again;” his pinky deliberately brushed hers as they walked. “You’re everything.”

Y/N glanced ahead then, not able to look at Harry without giving away just how much he had just made her feel. It wasn’t like she had thought about him telling her that in her dorm room almost every single day since it happened in March. No. Not at all. Not like she felt the heat from his hand almost brushing hers as they walked amongst the darkness of the park around them. Not like Harry was all she felt, saw, and thought about always. But she couldn’t tell him that. Couldn’t scare him away when she had almost gotten him back. So, she kept her mouth shut.

They had reached the edge of Clapham Common, the green and autumn coloured park being left behind as they strolled down Alfriston Road. They had been quiet for a while now, neither of them feeling like saying anything, which wasn’t a bad thing. Quiet could capture more than words most of the time; a silent room could hold more feeling than a hundred words put together into the richest poem filled with every degree of love, ever could. And it was in that silence between the two that Harry followed her up the small path to her house; in that same silence where he didn’t say goodbye, but instead waited for her to find her keys and walk inside.

“Harry.” Y/N said, a little shocked Harry hadn’t announced his departure yet.

“You’re in pain.” He said, as if that was enough explanation in itself.

“You really don’t have to come inside and help me. I’m fine.” She said, unlocking the first door and then the second.

“Please, let me help you.” His voice was so soft it felt like a hug.

“It’s fine, really.”

“This is the least I can do for you. Please let me, darling.”

And whenever he called her that, Y/N couldn’t resist him. She let him come inside, watched as he took a look around her ground level that was much different from his, and then she started limping towards the living room and the kitchen. To no one’s surprise, all three of her flatmates sat in the living room watching something on the telly, and when Y/N came through the door not walking properly, Tiana was about to get out of the sofa to help her. Though everyone stopped dead when they saw who followed close behind Y/N, watching her intently to make sure she didn’t faceplant.

“Good evening, ladies.” Harry said, following Y/N into the kitchen.

Y/N knew the different looks her flatmates were sharing now that her and Harry were out of sight; knew that they were turning the volume to the telly up so they could whisper amongst themselves and speculate on what happened on her and Harry’s walk back from The Magic Garden. Y/N was about to open the freezer and get her bag of peas out, but Harry stopped her, giving her a stern glance.

“Y/N,” came from the living room as Y/N sat down by the kitchen table, putting her foot up. She let go of a sigh of relief as she felt her ankle relax some. “Why are you limping?”

“Sprained my ankle.” She explained, watching as Harry looked through her freezer drawer. “There’s a bag of peas from Iceland there somewhere.”

“Aha!” Harry mused, moving stuff out of the way to get to the peas. Y/N bit her bottom lip, following Harry’s every move as he stood there with his back toward her. Even through his checked jacket, you could tell he had broad and muscled shoulders. Shoulders that it would feel good to cling onto, and arms to match, that would protect her from all the terrors the world had to bring. There was something about Harry that could resemble a dream; something heavenly about the way he held himself, looked at her, and made her feel. Something sublime about how his voice flowed from between his luscious lips and meeting her ear drums, creating the most lulling noise she’d ever heard. Something angelic about the way the sun would meet his green eyes and make his irises appear in the colour of gold, and somehow Y/N knew that was their true and rightful colour.

“Here we are.” Harry said, closing the freezer and walking over to Y/N, sitting down on the chair beside her.

Y/N took her sock off, taking a look at her swollen ankle before sitting back in her chair. “Don’t smell my foot.”

Harry started leaning in towards her foot.

“No, stop!”

Harry jokingly leaned in again, and this time Y/N playfully hit him in the arm, making him laugh. “Smells like bloody lavender, what kind of swear do you have?”

“The lavender kind.”

Harry laughed, bringing the bag of peas up and resting it gently at her ankle. Y/N drew in a harsh breath between her teeth, grimacing at the coldness making contact with her very hot ankle. She let herself get used to it, eyes closed until the shock of it all had subsided. Once her eyes were open again, Y/N realised how close her and Harry were sitting. He was leaning against the table on his elbow, the other focused on keeping the peas to Y/N’s ankle, and she was sitting right there next to him, a leg and very heavy air between them. If she leaned in just a tiny bit, Harry would be on the brink of blurriness, his two gorgeous green eyes would turn to four and his lips would be closer to hers. They parted as her eyes fell to them, saliva resting on the inside of them, and though Y/N wouldn’t have liked the sight of wet lips on anyone else, the way they looked on Harry only made her want to lean forward and experience what it tasted like again. It made her want to press her lips against his, and awkwardly move together until they found a rhythm that matched them, that made them deepen the kiss until kissing wasn’t enough. It made her want to drown in the waves of his tongue against hers, and how the prickling of pleasure seemed to take over when he moaned into her mouth.

“Y/N.” Harry whispered; voice laced tightly in lust. He leaned in closer, Y/N’s breath hitching and every nerve ending in her entire body alert. His hot breath hit her lips, the curl falling into his forehead almost brushing her forehead, tips of their noses meeting occasionally as neither of them were able to sit completely still any longer. “Y/N, kiss me.”

Her eyes met his, that same green she only associated with summer and him. “If I kiss you I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.”

“Don’t.” Harry whispered back, shaking his head slightly. “Never stop.”

Y/N’s eyes made contact with his lips again, a breath leaving them as if relief flooded him, like he knew they were going to kiss. Like he had been waiting for this exact moment for way too long, and it was finally here. Just as their nose slid against one another, making butterflies fly around like maniacs in her tummy once again, the familiar creak of someone walking outside the kitchen doorway sounded. Y/N jumped back to lean against the back of her chair and so did Harry, clearing his throat as if nothing had just happened. As if they hadn’t just been almost snogging each other senseless on the kitchen table. Because hadn’t whoever been trying to sneak up on them and see what they were doing, Y/N was sure she would have leaned in and kissed Harry like there was absolutely no tomorrow, next week, next month, or next lifetime.

They looked at each other, both of them a little out of breath because of the moment they had just shared and what had almost happened. So, smiling a little, they both looked away and at Y/N’s ankle, which was looking a little better after she had relaxed it for a bit. It would most likely be a bit sore to walk on for a week, but she would quickly recover as she had sprained her ankle before and she knew how to handle it. The two sat in silence for a bit, neither knowing what to say or if the coast was clear to have a make-out sesh in the middle of the kitchen for everyone to see. Harry held the peas to her ankle for some minutes more until she announced she’d follow him to the door.

“Goodnight, ladies.” Harry said, bowing a little before walking out into the foyer to small giggled heard from the living room. “I even make your friends blush.”

“And what would you need my friends to blush for, hm?” Y/N raised her eyebrows, crossing her arms at him.

Harry grinned that lopsided grin as he sat down in the stairs to take his converse on. “Got to make sure I still have the charm to make everyone swoon, yea? I need to be on top of my game.”

“Like you were Sunday?” Y/N didn’t realise what she’d said until it was out there, and she bit her lips together in embarrassment.

Harry glanced up at her, face blank as he already knew what she meant. “You mean Becky?”

Y/N debated telling him she was only joking, that he was allowed to flirt with whomever he wanted to because the two of them weren’t a couple after all. She debated lying to him, but then he looked up at her while tying his shoe and all she could think about then was the night they had just had, and how he had told her everything there was to know about him and the complicated part of his life.

So, Y/N nodded.

“You think I needed to be on top of my game to score someone like her?”

“Well, you did score her, so…”

Harry smiled, starting to tie his other shoe. “Did I now?”

“That’s what it looked like anyway.” She said, crossing her arms as she suddenly felt very vulnerable and weird about this conversation. “You scoring her.”

“Darling,” Harry said, getting up from his position in the stairs and taking the remainder steps to stand right in front of her. “I wouldn’t call talking to her scoring.”

Y/N tried not to look as pleased as she felt. “So you… so you... did not…?”

“Did I have sex with her?”

Y/N stayed quiet as she knew he knew that was exactly what she meant.

Harry smiled a little, shaking his head. “I did not.”

Y/N was about to smile back but bit her lip so she would not do so.

“Not something I would do normally.” Harry admitted.

“Becky, you mean?”

Harry chuckled. “No, one night stands.”

Y/N didn’t know what to say to that, but she was sure her wide eyes told him enough. She blinked, making Harry chuckle some more.

“I need to be off, it’s getting late.” Harry walked towards the door, looking over at her as he turned the handle. “I’ll see you around, yea?”

“Yea.” Y/N nodded. “See you around, Harry.”

He stepped outside just as Y/N reached the door, holding it open so she could watch him walk down their little path and take a right to walk up to his house. When she closed the door, a small pang sounded from inside her chest, and Y/N realised she was already missing him. After everything tonight had been, she finally felt like she was close to Harry, that she knew everything there was to know about him and his life. That she finally understood him and why he was the way he was. He had admitted to having been intrigued by their linked past, but he also told her everything about that past didn’t mean anything for how he felt about her now. He liked her for her, and that was more than enough for Y/N. The butterflies in her stomach were already taking flight at the prospect of seeing him again soon.

So, walking back into the living room to her friends, she got her bag of peas so she could make Tiana hold them against her swollen ankle while keeping it above her chest. They all asked a million questions a minute, wanting to know every single little detail about everything. And though Y/N had no problem telling these three girls everything, she wanted to keep today to herself, so she only shook her head and said, “We made up.”

TAGLIST

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