#and I'm so fucking freaked out bc on top of everything even if i did ask someone to try and remind me that there isnt something like that

[beatcroc]

a year!!! as of today i have now been drawing these funny little pizza freaks, to the exclusion of almost everything else, for!!! an entire year!!! i wanted to do a nice group shot/lineup of everybody to compare to when i first started trying to draw them because oh boy were they bad. i never even posted most of them anywhere because they were so bad. but im posting them here, now, to see how everything's changed/evolved.

this is probably the hardest time i've ever had trying to figure out how to work with a style, but we got there eventually; i'm pretty happy with the handle i've got on everybody now...dont let ur memes be dreams. lots of unimportant journaling and idle thoughts abt it below.

older pics

the first one is the VERY first time i drew them, before i thought i was going to actually have any interest in drawing them [lmao]; it was just the one isolated image, for my friendserver, to illustrate the funney message, so there was no attempt to make it Good or actually understand anything going on w/ the designs or style.

second is the original run of practices sketches to start trying to figure them out for real; done after i started having ideas for the comics and such and realized oh god maybe i am actually gonna draw fanart for this. [again, lol, and lmao.]

third one is the first pt art thing i posted on here. there were a couple weeks of sprite studies between this one and the previous image. the one on the top right wasn't part of that post i just threw it on as space filler; i'd intended to shift to doing Sprite Redraws But Stylized to explore tings more, but that was the only one i did. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

individual characters

peppino: by far the hardest dear god. bro what ARE your shapes how DOES your face work. jesus christ. everything i have trouble with this style for, peppino has it in excess. i draw in polygons! i need consistency! and that is the last thing this kind of style is concerned with. they are made of squarshy clay and i do not understand how to mold them. i was really hoping trying to learn this game's style would GIVE me that kind of flexibility for fun exaggerated facial expression but i don't think much came of it in the end 😔. anyway on the bright side all this means once i got peppino figured out a little bit everybody else clicked way easier.

fake peppino: honestly i never did anything with him on purpose except for how his eyes work + the perma-smile thing. i figured ok hes supposed to look weird and off model so whatever happens with him happens. and it did. and it kept happening. it is still, in fact, happening.

noise/ette: somehow, for every bit that peppino was the least natural thing i've ever tried, these two worked pretty much right off the bat. i still don't understand it, seeing as pretty much all the things at play for peppino are also at work for them. i think the new sketches are actually a little worse than older ones but not enough that i care.

gustavo: really funny bc i drew him on model twice and just went 'okay, cool nice, easy, um. he doesn't have any fucking legs?' fortunately he was the only one i had a strong idea for how to stylize him [square] and it worked exactly as i was hoping so wahoo.

brick: is an animal and therefore 5000x easier and more natural for me to draw/stylize than anything else in the cast. that is Just a rat bro. i can draw a rat.

gerome: i think the funniest one here. the most drastic and least necessary change imo. i was gonna have him be really small at first, like smaller than the noises, but then i just... didn't. he's just peppino-sized now. also i gave him like. actual human facial structure, which is funny bc in most cases i'd do anything to avoid, but it works well for his being A Rock to give him some angles and definition like that+ to differentiate his vibe from the rest of the cast who are all very squishy. also since he is essentially Just A Head it's good to emphasize that too ig.

john: i only drew john a couple times but he gets to be here because i like him. and because most of the stuff i applied to gerome was readily applicable to john, though i did try to keep him a little more uncanny because he is a Huge And Lanky Freak. i hate that he is barefoot btw but idk how to make his color balance look right with shoes.

pizzahead: i did not want to put him on here honestly but i Have drawn him a handful of times and more importantly i didn't know what i was gonna do with john's pose if i didn't have him there to be glared at. the only thing that's different with him is giving him wider-bottomed pants, which i got from when i tried to draw these guys in clone high style [i never posted that one either][i will eventually]

snick: he gets to be here because 1. he's like 6 lines 2. i like him and 3. ive scribbled him a few times offhand and it went pretty well

misc

there are some guys missing because those are guys i didn't draw enough [or at all] to have gotten comfortable with them. sorry

i would have Liked to shade these but for the time being i have accepted that my grasp of light/shadow has decayed to the point im not going to be happy with anything i try there, so For Now i am working on my presentation with flats i guess. gerome has a shadow only because he's shaded like that ingame and looks naked without it

anyway if you are still reading [hi?] i get to shamelessly plug now. i'm over the hill of my pizza run now, and while i still have plenty of things i want to make here, most of the bigger more in-depth ones have passed. pizza tower was the first thing in THREE YEARS to get me out of my oc groove to doing fanart, and once i am done with my ideas here i will be going right back to it. if you like my art or how i write characters/interactions you should check out my oc/webcomic blog @jamverse . i can't promise people who like pizza stuff will be terribly into my designs, but i can guarantee i treat my guys with the exact same sort of tone i handle the pt guys with. and hell, i've mentioned it a few times before, but like 70% of my characterization for fake pep is just copied off one of my characters, so if u are going to miss him... he will still be there in spirit >;p

and if you dont care about any of that and are still reading thank you anyway. actually making these comics + seeing how shockingly well-received they've been has done a lot for my confidence, and for seeing that my kind of stuff IS something people enjoy :')

#pizza tower #peppino spaghetti #fake peppino #gustavo and brick #the noise #noisette #pizzahead #arting #pizzaposting

[moraxsthrone]

Kaeya fluff? Hell yeah

Imagine being the one person Kaeya leans on. For real, this man trusts no one and thought he would trust no one until you showed up. Now here he is, venting about his rough day at work while you run your fingers through his hair, reminding him just how much you love him. Maybe it's just me, but I think this man would MELT if you told him you want him romantically. Like, he's proud of how he can make you scream his name and all but having you say that you would be with him even without that? The man's dead, you killed him, but maybe he'll come back to you for a kiss ;)

Sorry, I don't think this is what you were asking for, but hope you like it anyhow?

anonnnnnn??? this is PERFECT!! it's even better than what i wanted?? skskskskssss. bless you, child, for leaving such a sweet delicacy in my ask box! 🥹💙

CW/NOTES — mention of sex but otherwise sfw. themes of low self-worth, abandonment issues, imposter syndrome (kaeya, not reader). fluff/comfort. gn! reader.

no, hun, it's not just you. you see, i've got quite a soft spot for lowkey insecure kaeya. it only makes sense??

i touched on this in my previous post, but i think kaeya secretly worries that you'll come to your senses one day and decide that being with him is more trouble than he's worth? he's scared shitless that he's inherently disposable (after what his bio father - and later, diluc - did to him) and probably suffers from a massive case of imposter syndrome when you tell him you're in love with him.

i think a big reason why he "peacocks" so much is bc he knows he's beautiful on the outside but thinks he's ugly on the inside and not worth sticking around for. beneath that cocky façade, there's a little boy who's terrified of being left all alone again. so he overcompensates by using his good looks and charming smile to win ppl over bc deep down he thinks that's all he's got going for him. of course you want to fuck him, he thinks. who doesn't?

but YOOOO when you touch his soul and kiss his scars, and you hold his heart in your hands like it's the most precious thing you've ever held? <i'm trying not to fucking cry here 😅> you hold it so close to your own heart and take care of it like it's yours (it is now, as far as he's concerned btw), kaeya fucking freaks the fuck out. he knows how to lose people. he's all too familiar with being discarded and abandoned.

but what he's NOT used to is being seen, accepted, and loved for exactly who he is, right to his very core. the first time you spend the night with him without having sex, he doesn't even sleep. he just lies there and watches you as tears blur his vision. he holds you and breathes in the scent of your hair as he kisses the top of your sleepy head, quietly thanking his stars for you and hoping his sniffling doesn't wake you up.

he'll know how it feels to be loved unconditionally and it's all bc of you. trust, this man will never step out of your relationship or do anything else to jeopardize what he has with you.

you're his home now, his center.

you're his present and his future.

you're his whole fucking life, his everything.

you're his person, the one who has his head in your lap, slowly brushing the tangles out of his hair with your fingers, leaning down to kiss his forehead and reminding him how much you love him. even and especially on his bad days when he needs that reminder the most.

#kel.answers 💌 #OMFFGGG ANON YOU MADE ME MAKE MYSELF CRY 😭😭😭 #but no frfr thank you for this 💙 #this is how i see and love kaeya #with my whole fucking heart (such as it is) #i need to write about this side of him more often #kaeya #kaeya alberich #kaeya x reader #kaeya alberich x reader #kaeya x you #kaeya alberich x you #kaeya fluff #kaeya comfort #genshin #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin x you #genshin impact x you

[luveline]

Hello lovely! I’ve just discovered your fics and I am literally in love with you and your writing, you are so sweet <3 <3 <3 if you are taking requests I keep thinking about bodyguard!james and something angsty like last time except she does listen to him and there are more bad guys than he anticipated and they actually do hurt her/take her but ofc James gets her back eventually and even though she is hurting she is okay bc he didn’t get hurt for her this time so she doesn’t feel guilty

the mentioned bodyguard au thank you so much!!! for you ♡ fem!reader | 1.1k words TW IMPLIED KIDNAPPING/VIOLENCE

When James finally gets his hands on you there isn't an apt word to describe how he feels. 

Relieved. You're in one piece – you're alive. He hadn't entertained the idea that you might die outside of the professional risk assessment, but that 0.1 per cent had been real and horrifying. You're alive, and the relief is a dousing of cold water. 

Nausea. You may be in one piece but the piece is bruised and bloodied. You've a stream of blood curving over the bump of your cupid's bow and smeared up your cheek where you must've wiped it away from your lips, the top swollen and the bottom bitten. You're looking down at your lap where your hands lay, shaking. 

Upset. Maybe the relief of finding you, the adrenaline of fighting his way to you crashing, but he really feels like he could cry. He won't, but he could. Especially when he clears his throat and you look straight up. 

"Hey, angel," he says. "You're a sight for sore eyes." 

You smile wide and swiftly stop, wincing. "Jamie," you say breathlessly. 

James is on you before you can stand, arms around your neck and squeezing. He feels the tense set of your naked shoulders relax under his touch as he ducks his head down, nestling his face into the side of your head. He's always been touchy. 

You don't care. Your hands find their way to his back, arms tightening as he says, "I'm so sorry. So sorry, sweetheart. I'm gonna get you home and Moony's gonna fix you up good as new, I swear. It's all smooth sailing from here. Nobody's gonna touch you again." 

You're quiet enough to freak him out. Though he's not exactly expecting you to chat his ear off he'd hoped for something. You're hugging him back, at least. 

James pulls away and you reach up to take his face into your hands. He can feel them shaking as you turn his head left to right. "Did you get hurt?" you ask hoarsely. 

"No," he says. He's maybe lying; his torso feels like a packet of mince meat. You don't need to know that. 

Your eyes squint and your hands fall away. He stands, almost relieved to see the first tear and then the second sputter over your cheeks, anything's better than the quiet impassiveness you'd possessed. 

"I was so worried," you say, your relief lightening each word. You chase it up quickly with a laugh and stand to throw yourself back into his arms. 

He seizes up at the impact, hands clumsy on your back. "You were worried?" 

"I promise I listened, James, but they- They were at the rendezvous point." 

"I know. You did everything right, angel, to the letter. This ones on me," he murmurs, patting your back. "You're dad's gonna fucking hand me my arse." 

"He likes you." 

"He wouldn't like me if he knew how handsy you are. Watch the goods, sweetheart," he chides. 

You raise your hand from his lower back with a guilty smile. "I did everything right," you repeat. 

"You did," he reassures. 

"You're not mad?" 

"Mad? I'm fucking proud of you." 

You beam and your lip splits. James swears if it weren't for this new trickle of blood he would've kissed your smiling mouth as he cradles your cheek, trying to dab clean your reopened wound with the side of his pinky finger. "How'd you get this?" he asks quietly. 

"I told them… I told them my bodyguard was gonna find them and fuck them up." 

"Yeah? How about this one?" he asks, hand ghosting over your bruised cheek. 

"I may have also said that you were, uh, much better looking."

"Uh-huh," he says dryly, bemused. "Next time, let's try for a bit less cheek, okay? The aim is to get out of this as unscathed as possible." 

"Next time," you repeat, eyelashes fluttering. 

He can't promise you what he wishes he could. Can't lie and tell you you're out of danger, that nobody will ever try anything again. But he can promise to be better. "As long as I'm here, this shit isn't happening again." 

You sniff. 

"Understand?" 

"Yeah. Okay." You wipe your wet cheeks with your hands and you're smiles all over again. "I wish you weren't the best bodyguard ever." 

He moves back to the door and holds it open, waiting for you to walk out into the cold hallway. "Why's that?" 

"Because," you say, tights sliding over linoleum. James puts his hand out to steady you. "I wanted to kiss you so bad just then." 

James blinks. You're whizzing over unconscious bodies and smashed doorways like it's no big deal, the space between you and him growing wider with every passing second. He rushes to catch up. 

"I'll kiss you, sweetheart," he says, blinking. It comes out like, Please let me kiss you. What the fuck. 

"And have my dad sack you? Not worth it." 

He groans. You turn in the door to the stairwell, a vision despite your blood stains and your ripped dress. You strike a pose like you know exactly what you're teasing. 

James is suddenly hit with a rush of affection. "The day people stop trying to kill you, I'm gonna kiss you stupid." 

"Promise?" you ask, grinning.

"Enough. Down the stairs with you before Moons blows a gasket." 

"Is he worried?" 

"He's… he's Moons. Not worried about you so much as furious with me." 

"It's not your fault." 

You reach your hand out for his and he lets you pull him down another flight of stairs. It kind of is his fault. He squeezes your fingers. "Plead my case, angel."

"I'll try." You share a smile. "Alright, fine. I'll make him love you again. If you come and see me tonight. For scrabble." 

Funny if you'd thought he wouldn't be at your door like a stray dog for the next month. "You drive a hard bargain," he says, feigning reluctance.

You laugh like you know exactly what he's thinking.

#james potter x reader #james potter #james potter x you #james potter x y/n #marauders era #marauders #marauder x reader #x reader #james potter imagine #james potter fanfic

[pianocat939]

Could we please get more of the yandere rottmnt with a younger sibling reader?

Sure! I've been kinda laughing for a while now over some random shitposting haha.

Tw: mention of murder, overprotective behaviour, controlling behaviour, crack and fluff

Some Hcs with Yandere Turtles with Younger Sibling MC

(MC is a turtle mutant for those who don't know)

✦Ramona✦

As we all know, he's the mama of the group. That solo mission episode where Mikey got babied at times? Yeah take that but amp it up.

He likes to carry you around just so he knows where you are and what you're doing. He especially does this if you're in the Hidden City.

Works together with Mikey and Donnie to have a nutrition management system. Primarily because he has a habit of spoiling you.

Bedtime at 10. No questions asked.

"No, you are not going to stay up until 3 AM giggling at videos on social media. Now, bed."

Asian kids, you know how your mom/dad just walks in and randomly gives you cut-up fruits? That's him. Gives you a hug when he leaves.

You are not allowed to touch hot foods/containers, let big bro handle it.

✦Le' bottomsworth✦

The spoiler/rule breaker brother ig.

You need to buy/get something but aren't allowed to leave? He has you covered, just say the word and he's sassily homosexual walking over there.

Teaches you sword art when you guys are free. Lets you win before going in for the "kill".

If you can't sleep bcs it's too early/insomnia then he'll know. He teleports or pokes a head through and keeps you company.

"Yeah so um. Do you have any dirt on Donnie? I need something good to attack him with."

You guys break rules together. It pisses both Raph and Donnie.

Texts you memes at 3 AM with 13 emojis alongside.

If you ever speak about a friend he'll get jealous real quick. He'll start interrogating you and makes up his mind to frame them somehow.

He teaches you self-defense yet does everything to ensure he does most of the actual fighting. He's not risking it.

✦Da Hermione Granger but in Purple✦

Builds you a protective shell whether you like it or not. You will wear it at all times other than sleeping. Oh did I mention there's a camera on the back side?

I know siblings aren't supposed to have favorites but Donnie will have a personal beef meter with Leo. (Right? I'm an only child so idk)

"I'm the favorite. Why else would they come to me every day? Leo, you stand nothing against me."

Tries to teach you about his tech, not only because it's his special interest but so he can brag he's the better parental-brother (oh and favorites).

Loves playing video games with you.

If he doesn't like certain media on your phone/devices he'll eliminate them. Including some of the memes Leo sent.

Shares his playlist like it's the last thing on earth to do.

If you like an interest in something and he notices it he'll buy/invent stuff.

✦Mi Left Gripper✦

Aww, it's your twin. Welp time to activate clingy af.

He whines if he isn't in the same room as you, to the point Raph and Leo have to pry him off.

Loves cooking your favorite meals! It's his way of showing that he loves you so much and that everybody else should burn away.

Draws you a lot too. If you're an artist he likes exchanging art styles, portraits, anything really.

Freaks the fuck out if sees even the slightest inconvenience in front of you.

"OMIGOSH! YOU STUBBED YOUR TOE! DONNIE, EMERGENCY CALL!"

Do you like fashion? If so, please exchange outfits with him so he can take the clothing to his secret shrine of his adorable twin!

Will jump on top of you to wake you up.

✦All✦

No leaving the lair without a trusted member of the family.

Friends can only be friends after background checks and approval.

Daily head pats are a must.

——————————————————

That was really on crack ok. Do you guys like the names I chose? I used all my brain cells for "Mi Left Gripper".

- Celina

#yandere rottmnt #rottmnt #yandere tmnt #tmnt #rottmnt x reader #tmnt x reader #yandere #yandere x reader #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #tmnt2018 #raph #donnie #leo #mikey

[friendlyneighbourhood-parker]

nagging and napping

pairing: Steven grant x reader, Marc spector x reader, Jake lockley x reader

Summary: after a good-bye party for Layla you get hurt and the moonboys have to manage taking care of you on their own ways while making sure you remember that this wasn't your fault

Word count: 12 k

Warnings: child abuse, wendy's mentioned, panic attacks, wound patching as a way of showing affection, implied smut, the wounds really don't make sense i'm sorry, intrussive thoughts, negative self talk, mentions of blood and wounds angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort

A/N: This wasn't supposed to be so long nor take as much time to write as it did! this started as a bucky fic back when Falcon and the winter soildier was airing but never really liked it. now I love it and loved writting it so I hope you guys like it too! also I think it looks way nicer on ao3 but if you want to read it here I won't be mad about it

special thanks to my amaizing betta reader @devilish-mirage her notes and sweet words are what motivated me to continue!

also to @bassist-vortex whom I now own a lollypop bcs it's longer than 6k and didn't mind when I texted him at 2 am about being so fucking done drafting this.

Come on, breathe

In, out. In, out. One, two, three

“Fucking hell!!!” You winced avoiding to look his way, your hands quickly trailing up to cover your mouth, muffling the string of curses.

Your mind frantically ran through every and any single possible scenario trying to detach itself from the notorious pain from the side of your body, the sting running across your back when the soaking cotton made contact with the wounded skin.

Breathe, just breathe

Teeth sunk into your hand trying your best to drown the scream creeping from your throat, your other hand trembling while holding up the t-shirt you wore to make his job easier.

God

You couldn’t even look at him not when the probability of seeing him frowning at you was huge. One of his hands held you keeping you as still as he could while the other cleaned away the scrapes on your torso.

“Told you to be careful”

It was the first thing he said after getting home, Marc placed you on top of the kitchen table and ran to get the aid kid from the wardrobe in the back, cursing at Steven for moving it from the top of the fridge.

In and out, breathe

He tried his best not to prolong the pain, dabbing carefully and looking up to check your reaction, or at least he tried to but your eyes never shifted from the window and even if they did they never fell into him.

His tone was harsh fuelled by his immense worry, he shook his head pouring alcohol into a new cotton. He knew his way around this but the way your chest moved and breath picked up made him nervous, the hand that was once holding you trailed along the outside of your thigh trying to ease you, and yet you thought he was furious.

“¿Te lo dije, o no?”

 “Fuck off” You hated getting scolded like a child, the guilt bubbling in your chest.  You side-eyed him before shutting your eyes and slamming your hand on the table.

¡Respira maldita sea!

You tried your best to regulate yourself before looking back at him. His eyes never left the place where the wound was, sitting on a chair to be head level to it and with the trash bin on his side to discard everything he used.

You were scared and yet his fear was greater, he was about to fucking scream.

He’s done this thousands of times before, not as many as Marc but his sudden ‘shutdown’ left him with no choice but to attend your wounds.

For fucks sake Marc, couldn’t you choose a better time to freak out?

To be honest he didn’t blame him, it was only his nervousness taking the best of him. In the past he had attended his own wounds before making that stupid deal with the moon god that got him the suit, but it was you they were talking about, none of them wanted to see you in pain and the mere thought of not being able to help you was enough for Jake being pushed forward.

He tried his best to be quick, to not linger in his mind and finish up so you could rest, but the voice of the worried British man that lived in him didn’t make concentrating any easier.

“Steven, si no te callas juro que-“ He whispered to himself and sighed looking back at you “Mi amor, I need you to stay still, ‘kay?”

You nodded lifting the t-shirt even higher, finally deciding to grip it with your teeth, it wouldn’t get in his way and would work wonders muffling you. The pain was worst, He expected you to flinch when he started stitching the cut on your shoulder but for some reason your knuckles turning white when you gripped the edge of the table seemed to have a greater effect on him as his hand began to shudder. He took a deep breath and glanced at your pained expression before continuing.

Where was Layla in a moment like this?

Took them home, remember?

The reason why he had to clean you up in the first place, the guy who you saw across the pub bothering a girl and her friend. The thing is you knew the guy, he ruined the night out you had with a couple of friends some weeks ago. The boys weren’t at home when it happened and Layla had to travel thanks to her line of work to recover some stolen goods, so you decided that going for drinks with your best friend was a good idea.

And it was, it really was until that twat started to roam around you just like he was doing with the girls. You were out as a makeshift ‘goodbye party’ for Layla before she had to leave to secure a buyer for the recently collected stolen goods. Marc went for more drinks while she excused herself to the restroom, you? You walked across the venue to strike him as soon as his hand tried to reach for the girl’s bum.

There is a downside about being constantly surrounded by people who commune with the gods, you sometimes forget you aren’t more than a mere human, you don’t have powers nor a fancy suit and every blow you get can be mortal.

And so when his fist collided against your side taking almost all your breath out of you, it was your doom and yet the second blow seemed even worse, some people ran to help you, others held him but your mind was only on the young lass who shivered on her friend’s arms.

On the bright side Marc and Layla got there before he tried anything else and yet it seemed to be a tad late, you were dizzy and needed to go home. It wasn’t really that big of a deal and yet the pain was present, mostly from your ego being hurt, some from the actual punch.

Marc made sure he was kicked out and you companied Layla to bus stop after she offered to take the girls home, you craved the air on your face and the feeling of it filling your lungs once more not expecting to be followed on your way back to the car. You could see Marc waiting for you, leaning against the passenger’s side, you held your hand up ready to call for him when you felt it. It didn’t come to your mind that he would take it further than a punch, but the sharp pain on your shoulder and your blouse being tinted in crimson made you let out a loud scream, one of pure pain and fucking regret. Just in time for Marc to watch it.

“Just a few stitches left baby” He tried to reassure you but it only made your need to go at him grow “Come on, breathe”

It’s not like you weren’t reminding yourself of that, to just focus on your breathing and forget about what was going on, to detach yourself from the pain but it wasn’t that easy.

“¡Mierda Lockley!” You tilted your head to the side heavily breathing.

“that’s right” once you snapped back to reality he was throwing away the last bit on cotton and placing a bandage to secure the stitches and rubbing your back carefully “We’re done”

He placed a kiss near where the bandages were, the pearls of sweat glistened on both of your bodies and a tired laugh came from within your lips, still high on the adrenaline you locked eyes.

“Thanks baby”

“Just please… don’t try that shit again” You felt his touch, his hands brushing your hair away, the sweet gesture making you close your eyes nodding to his request.

But he knew better.

He knew just like every other occasion you wouldn’t listen, not to Marc, not to Steven and most certainly not to him. He would have to use both his hands to count how many times he had to drag your ass out of situations like this, times when he got in time before something bad happened and the line of curses directed at the other person slowly died down on the way back home.

“You should’ve let me”

Your arms were crossed in front of your chest as you stared at the road, Marc was the one fronting that particular night, driving both of you to the flat.

“I don’t want anything happening to you” he sighed, his eyes never leaving the road “I wouldn’t be able to take it”

Not all of the occasions where the same but had few things in common, you wanted to help and they had to talk some sense into you before the reckless part of your brain decided to take action. This time was different tho, they didn’t have the opportunity to stay on the talking stage of the little routine, resulting on the little pep talk you were immersed in.

He reached for you carefully trying to lift you but the touch was met with your hand pulling his away before resting your back on the table. He was confused but didn’t complain.

“Leave me here” your voice was barely audible as you dozed off “Wait for Layla in bed”

Layla, one of your best friends and the one who used to have your place in Marc’s heart. At first they tried but their relationship was complicated, too many lies and too many betrayals can doom any marriage, they knew that, they knew how much damage the lack of communication had caused and yet they couldn’t part from one another. Too much history and feelings to even try and explain, but she had to move on to find peace and so she left for a while with the promise of being for him whenever he needed her, the silence and loneliness being something he grew accustomed to and yet it left him aching for the love she gave him.

 Then you appeared in the picture, Jake was fond of you since the moment his eyes laid on you, going out of his way to rearrange for you and Steven to meet, let’s just say both of them fancied the tiny moments they had with you, Steven taking you out in the mornings for a cup of tea to his favourite spot and Jake preferring to drive you around the city at night even if you didn’t know it was him. Then you found out about Marc in the worst way possible, at a pub drunk as he could get.

 He knew it could trigger him to switch with more ease but there was also the possibility of his mind going quiet for a second, to forget that the woman he loved wasn’t on his side for just a moment, to think that he would find her when coming back home. That’s when he felt your touch on his back and a kiss on his cheek followed by the little pet name.

“Hi amor”

Fuck he was confused as to why in the middle of him grieving and yearning for Layla there was another person who touched him the same way he expected her to do so. Then he opened his mouth letting his confused tone swoon you.

Wasn’t this Steven? Wasn’t this the man you’ve been seeing for the past month and a half? You were pretty sure he was and yet the strong American accent said otherwise. Until there wasn’t one, his gaze softening and his lips twitching in a broken smile as he tried to explain what was going on with the same accent you’ve grew to love.

You worked things out but not before scolding Jake for letting you believe they didn’t understand those little confessions of love you offered in your mother tongue. That’s how you started to date the three of them, completely mesmerized by every part of your moon boys. Then Layla came back, but not as the lover she used to be but as a friend, as the shoulder Marc could lay on whenever he needed, a place he could feel safe and someone who slowly became just as much as a necessity for you as it did for him.

“Mi amor, she’ll kill me if she finds you here alone” he laughed when you pushed his face softly “y no quiero dejarte”

“Jake, ya… porfa” He saw the way your chest movements slowed down finally falling asleep. He went towards the bed grabbing a pillow and blanket, placing it carefully under your head and covering your body to keep you warm.

 You’ll probably be sore in the morning but right now the best he could do was leave you to rest.

He sat back where he once was, right next to you and his hand instinctively reaching for yours. The flat would’ve been in complete silence if it weren’t for your soft snores and the humming form Jake, singing under his breath a song he heard not so long ago, the one you played that rare morning while making breakfast. The aroma of coffee and tea dragging him out of bed only to find you wearing his t-shirt and underwear, moving your hips to the melody and mouthing the words.

“How are they?” Layla creeped through the front door slowly trying to not wake you up.

“Tired…” he rubbed his eyes trying to remain awake.

“It seems they’re not the only one” She kissed the top of his head and tapped his shoulder “You should go to sleep, I’ll keep an eye on them”

“Nah, nah. I stay, you can take the bed”

She shook her head as amused as irritated, she always knew how stubborn her boys could be, always wanting to have the last word and yet they hadn’t learn. There’s no use on fighting with her, she would be the one in the right but it amazed her how they always tried. She pushed his curls backwards leaning to be on eye level.

“Jake Lockley, either you go to sleep or I’ll drag you to bed”

He chuckled rolling his eyes grabbing her by the shoulders.

“Yes ma’am”

The cold of the night slowly became a chill morning as the hours passed, the drapes didn’t do much to cover the light that came through the window hitting your face, those moments after waking up were precious, where everything seemed fine thanks to having no recollection of what happened the night prior or even who you were, until you tried to move putting all your weight into the wounded arm and the sharp pain finished the job of waking you up completely. You kicked the blanket out of the way and saw the bruising and scrapes creeping from under your clothes.

“Mierda” you slipped right back where you once laid with a thud, hearing the creek of the chair on your side.

Layla rubbed her eyes yawning and her hand moved some curls out of her face, she was still wearing the same clothes she had on last night, her leather jacket hung from the chair she was sitting on and the traces of makeup in her face told you everything you needed to know. She didn’t get much sleep last night either.

“Good morning trouble maker” her tone was soft as her hand reached to mess with your hair before walking to the cupboard where you store the glasses “The boys are sleeping… it was hard to convince Jake to stay in bed all night”

Your forearm laid on your face covering your eyes, now that the rush of adrenaline and anger from last night wore off it became easier to think, to realize how fucking reckless you’ve been and how punching a guy twice your size wasn’t the brightest idea you could think of, but it was hard to make up good ideas with an intoxicated mind and the fear on a young girl’s face.

And then stopping your mind was almost impossible as it recalled every single detail of the night, how Layla rushed to talk with the girls while Marc took the guy form the collar of his shirt dragging him outside followed by a blurry ride home with him talking to you and telling you that everything was okay. You knew those words weren’t meant for you but for him, telling himself over and over again that you were okay, because you had to be okay, he reminded himself that it was just a cut in your arm, that it wasn’t even that deep and even if it was the first time you’ve ever been hurt like this you would still live.

“I wouldn’t be able to take it”

He probably blamed himself for not reacting sooner and Steven was probably trying to ease him. Trying his damn best to stop the tears that built up in his eyes, gripping the steering wheel with such force that you knew his hands would probably hurt the next morning; Steven would’ve taken control then and there if he wasn’t just as scared as Marc was.

Puta madre

“I’m sorry” you sighed, voice breaking “I’ll never do it again”

The coldness of the glass against your arm made you peek from behind it to find her handing you some painkillers along with water. “I know” she simply said

“No use on getting emotional, ‘kay?” the closest thing to a reassuring smile formed on her face, it was the best one she could give you right now at least, to convince you it wasn’t that big of a deal and yet you could sense the undertone worry.

“You want me to help you before heading out?” she pointed at you and gestured towards the bed where your partner’s slept.

She saw you shaking your head before slowly getting up, she tried to help you but you brushed her hand away – you needed this, to know that you were still able to take care of yourself even after that mayor screw up – before embracing her in a much needed hug, she held you close while making sure not to squeeze to hard. She remembers the first time she got hurt like this and knew how painful it really was.

“Do you have to leave so soon? Marc’s more bitchy than usual after you’re gone” you closed your eyes to the feeling of her hair brushing your face, the scent of honey flooding your senses. She rested her chin on your unwrapped shoulder.

“I know” she breathed out, there was a slight undertone of worry on her voice, one so miniscule that you didn’t really catch it “But I know you can manage him”

You smiled.

She left you all alone, the light creeping in and the cold wood under your feet sending shivers down your spine, the painkillers were starting to take affect as you felt drowsier, you crawled into bed, careful not to wake up the man sleeping besides you or to accidentally hurt the damaged shoulder. The feeling of his arm instinctively reaching out for you was soothing you to finally go back to sleep.

~☽☾~

You expected after opening your eyes to be greeted by an empty bed, it wasn’t uncommon for you to be left behind like that and you really didn’t mind it. Both Marc and Steven thrived in the mornings, the rush of waking up early and get things done just before heading out, to be totally honest it amassed you how even after staying passed midnight Steven still managed to get up before the sun even rose while Jake was the total opposite, who’s only reason to leave your side and the warmth of the oh so comfortable bed – Steven had such a nice bed for someone who tried for so long not to fall asleep – was to be able to surprise you with a breakfast with some ‘flavour in it’.

His words, not yours. Poor Steven couldn’t seem to see the end of it when he cooked for the two of you, Jake pestering him about adding something that once lived and now tasted better with some hot sauce on top.

The morning birds and your night owl.

But the sight the morning granted you was worthy of heaven. Steven holding you close to him completely fixated by the shapes he traced on your thigh still covered by the blanket, he looked up after you inevitably left out the breath you didn’t know were holding in, you saw the small wrinkles on the corner of his eyes once he smiled at you.

“Morning love” it wasn’t long until you realized that his every move where slow and careful, almost calculated as if he was scare to shift a wrong way and cause you immense pain. He kissed your temple “Didn’t want to wake you up”

His accent was thicker in the mornings, a mixed of his tiredness and the dehydration from the night prior, you had the habit of taking a glass of water with you to bed, having it by your side in case either of you was thirsty but from all your boys, the only who refused to drink from the water you provided was Steven.

“Happy you didn’t” you turned to face him ignoring the immediate discomfort, you replicated his smile only yours was tinted whit malice “I would’ve kicked you out of bed”

He couldn’t help but laugh

“You’re… unbelievable” you felt him turning away, trying to get up but your arms moved quicker than your mind could proses it, wrapping them around his waist to prevent him to moved.

The pain from your torso came back, a quick reminder to keep you in place.

Slowly

“Stay” you tried to pull him closer but the pain was making it harder than it normally was “Please?”

He turned to look at you, the pained expression on your face made his gut stir, to say he was worried was an understatement, Steven was mortified by your state. It was written all over his face and in the way his fingers were almost shaking in the moment he placed a revel strand of hair behind your ear.

“I’ll make us some tea” he leaned in to kiss your forehead and his hand cupped the side of your face “It’ll make you feel better”

“I don’t want to feel better… I only want to feel you” your voice was low and raspy, you moved closer burring yourself in the crook of his neck, your good arm held the weight and while the other gently wrapped over his shoulders keeping him in place, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“How about this…” he said after a beat of silence, his hand rubbed softly the arm around him and the smell of citrus with a hint of cinnamon flooded your senses, his hair was messier than usual and you couldn’t see his face but from the way his breaths became more irregular you knew his eyes were glued to your shoulder and his mind to your torso “I’ll bring us some tea and we stay in bed, yeah? I was thinking maybe some movies”

Be careful

You nodded against his neck, your nose rubbing against his skin sending shivers down his spine, he gave a light pat to your arm before kissing it and walking away from your side, you almost could feel yourself slipping back, your arm giving up under the pressure only making you whine when your back hit against the mattress, you left your hands where they landed taking almost all the space in bed.

The mornings beside Steven were nice, starting your day with tea – while Marc preferred the taste of morning coffee and Jake settled with a cold glass of water – and vegan breakfast, sometimes there was toast with jam spread on top, other times it was scrambled eggs with beans to the side; today he completely outdid himself, coming back with a stack of pancakes drizzled with honey and frozen berries on top, a little cup filled with bananas and your tea in hand. He placed your cup by your side and kissed the top of your head while his hand cupped the crane of your neck and the little gesture sent sparks to your heart.

You tried to reach for the cup but Steven beat you to it, passing the hot beverage to you. It was milky and smelled like cinnamon and honey.

“Wait…” your head turned to look at him once both of you were tucked back in bed, your laptop proned on his chest so that both of you could see it while cuddling, he turned to look at you raising his eyebrows “Does this mean the bookstore trip is cancelled?”

“We can do that later” you used his arm as a makeshift pillow while he held you close, his hand covered your eyes playfully “right now you need to rest”

“No I don’t” you shifted to your side, putting your weight on your elbow almost peering over him.

From there you saw how he rolled his eyes and still kept a tiny smile on his face, how the laptop was placed on the floor for a moment so he could shift on his side. Now that you both were staring into each other’s faces you could see it, it was faint but it was there.

He was scared, the doe eyes he tried to suppress where still there as his worry ate him alive. You really fucked up, didn’t you? He reached for you, brushing the side of your body and accidentally making pressure near your waist. He saw first-hand how your face screwed up and you hissed at the sudden contact.

Too harsh

“I think you do” the tired tone didn’t match the perked up eyebrow adorning his face, he turned to reach once more for the electronic device and all you could do was scoff.

It really wasn’t the fact that you had to cancel your plans that bothered you, neither was spending away your Saturday evening watching movies with Steven, but you felt like a burden. You were the reason they had to come home earlier last night, why Marc couldn’t spend more time with Layla even if you knew how much he had been looking out for it and why now Steven couldn’t go out scavenging for new books to fill the blank spaces in his bookshelves, because even if you insisted for him to just go without you he wouldn’t even budge.

Calm down.

Steven was glad you couldn’t hear his thoughts or you would get a glance of how he really didn’t know how to approach you right now, he tried his best to just breath it out but his first instinct was to leave you in bed and just sit on the chair by the end of it, just coming closer when you needed something, because he didn’t want to cause you pain. But he knew better, he knew that the moment he went away from your reach he would be causing you an ever greater pain, so he settled for distracting both of you from it until it was time for him to bring you the next dosage of painkillers.

You picked the movie, an animated one that you haven’t seen since you left college. You laid with his arm around you, his warmth mixed with the blanket and heather helped you not to shiver, as the hours passed the temperature started to descend and the movie ended just in time for Steven to make a quick trip to the kitchen, bringing you back a glass of water and a tablet of medicine, you opened your mouth slightly sticking your tongue out so he could place it there before handing the glass to you.

You saw how he strolled back and forth before coming back to bed, taking away the dirty dishes and bringing both of you a new cup filled with tea, his was sweet while yours was sour. You liked the taste of sweetness in the morning when it was still blissful and quiet while opting for a more strong taste in the later hours, maybe it had something to do with the fact that you could never seem to find sugar at work and always forget to bring your own, and right now that’s what you needed the most, a sense of familiarity and a taste of your routine.

Like everything was fine, like you didn’t mess up.

“Steven?” the next movie had already been going for a couple of minutes before you decided to speak up, at this point you weren’t even paying attention to it, only using the sound from the laptop as a way to drown out the otherwise silent flat and loud mind.

“Do you need something love?” he paused the movie already getting up.

Keep calm

You shook your head and looked the other way, trying hard to avoid his stare.

“I just…” trying to gulp down the knot forming in your throat was hard. The guilt from yesterday’s events was revived and you couldn’t stop but think of how everything would’ve been different if you just listened “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin the night or today for that matter, I really wanted us to go and– “

He called for your name as he moved closer towards you “It’s alright, you don’t have to apologize”

“But I do!” there was an urge bubbling in the pit of your stomach, to find a culprit and the only person available to be condemned was you “I was dumb and reckless, and you always tell me but I never listen, and if only I listened this wouldn’t have happened”

“You saw being picked on and you went out of your way to help” his hand cupped your face softly rubbing your cheek with his thumb “There’s nothing to apologize for that”

“Still–“ you felt pressure on your face as he pushed his forehead against yours, it was nice. It helped you to notice how you were tangling your hands with the blanket, gripping it hard.

“Tell that little nob of yours to stop nattering” you closed your eyes trying to focus solely on his voice and drown out the thoughts that crossed your mind, you felt the way the mattress moved under his weight when he approached you, his face finding its way towards your neck “And come take a bath… you stink” his words came through with laughter and your eyes suddenly opened as you gasped.

“You little shit!”

Taking your shirt off was a challenge he imposed himself, unable to stand watching you while you struggled to even move the arm, you tried to push him away but after a while of just fighting with it you left him do it instead. The fabric being pulled and thrown away, his calloused hands were soft against your skin careful not to tuck at the bandages that kept the wound shielded from his eyes, it was better that way, the immense relieve of not having to face it just yet, avoiding thinking about it, avoiding acknowledging it besides the lingering knowledge that he had to give you a new dosage of painkillers just after shower and not to be too rough near it.

He could just pretend it didn’t exist for a few more minutes before he had to clean it and change it. Out of sight, out of mind.

The same can’t be said by the bruising and scratches on your torso, splotches of purple and green mixed with crimson dashes reminded you of watercolour and your hand instinctively mode to it. It was captivating, brushing near it without making any pressure, oh but was it tempting. Alluring you almost, like a chant that made you compliant to the urge to dig into it, to just lean into the splashes on your side and make sure that it wasn’t just a trick of the light.

But it wasn’t the light, it was an admonition. Don’t indulge into affairs of the gods and don’t drift into the business of others.

He reacted quicker than you did, managing to pull you away from those thoughts, his hand guided yours away from your skin and his lips left soft kisses on your neck as it was the closest he dare to get to the wound.

Steven made sure the water was warm and not too hot or too cold before he helped you get into the tub. He sat right next to it, scrubbing away the sweat and worried from you with the help of a sponge, you wanted to move his hands away, to take it from him but you aching body wouldn’t let you. So you just indulged against your wishes to the care your partner provided, he made sure to not get to close to your shoulder and to clean away quickly near your ribs.

The water echoed in the tiled room and the light steam from the tub painted the mirror, his hands were all over you but it didn’t feel dirty at all, the care that grazed his gestures as he moved from your legs to your torso and finally your arm, moving it around slowly to scrub it clean, while making sure you were alright.

“Does this hurt?” “Just let me know” “Do you need a break?”

You tilted your head, peering from the edge of the tub to look at him, his figure was soaked, his arms covered in water and soap reaching to the rolled up sleeves of his jumper, the stains where the water had splashed were darker and somehow his hair had managed to also get wet, your heart ached with the need to pull him inside with you and repay the favour by scrubbing his worries away, clean him of the nasty thoughts that tormented him.

“Steven” If it hadn’t been by the calmness in your voice he would’ve thought that something he did hurt you, maybe his hands were harsher on your scratches, maybe he moved your arm too hard and your shoulder was resenting it or maybe he was just too worried to be around you at the moment. He looked back at you rising his eyebrow and with what resembled a smile “Thank you for this”

You closed your eyes in time for him to kiss your lips, it was soft and quick but filled with the unconditional love you had for one another.

“Any time, love”

~☽☾~

You had to call in sick for work and explained what happened, you tried to push it back for as long as you could but Saturday came to an end and with that the deadline was something you had to face, at the middle of your peaceful Sunday Steven went away as Jake pushed himself to front ‘quiero ver tu carita hermosa’ was the excuse he gave that granted him with you smiling immensely and rolling your eyes, for him it was amusing seeing you faking being annoyed.

Right now you couldn’t be gladder to be sleeping and waking up beside him, after Steven thought it would be a great idea to put pillows in the middle of the bed to keep you ‘safe’, to keep you away from his touch. But Jake just laughed at the thought as he embraced you in his arms, softly but steady, feeling your chest moving as you breathing relaxed him into sleeping better, the pressure in his arms helping him to sleep through the night and the strong scent of his cologne having the same effect on you. You got up thanks to the smell of breakfast and the feeling of emptiness besides you, it was weird that you missed it but right now being left behind was the last thing you needed.

“Buenos días dormilona” he took the pillow on his side of the bed, letting it fall right in front of your face and this muffling your groans “roncas horrible, did ya know?

That little bitch

A shit-eating grin was plastered on his face, the one you’ve got to know real well, his hair was pristinely combed back and was wearing only a pair of boxers – which wasn’t unusual –, while Marc preferred to wear them combined with a t-shirt to bed and Steven couldn’t even fathom the idea of not wearing pants while sleeping. He preferred to lay with you like that, to be able to feel with every inch of his skin that you were there besides him, to know you were his and – right now – to know that you were okay.

“Mira quién habla” you scoffed at him, pulling the pillow into your arms, pressing it down a bit against your chest, the markings on your torso being something that don’t bother you as much anymore, and you were grateful because that meant that you could enjoy being able to feel his rougher grip on your waist as he hugged you against him. “You talk in your sleep and I never say shit about it”

He licked his lips trying to supress a smirk.

“I’m confessin’, mi amor. That’s between Konshu and I”

His tone was condescending and yet you knew he meant no ill intent by it. He saw you get out of bed and how you were struggling to get out of the shirt you wore to sleep, but he didn’t budge, knowing that if you needed his help you would ask for it. Eventually you did, he didn’t mind at all helping you take them off, enjoying the sight of you and to leave a trail of kisses along your back, on your shoulder blades and slowly coming up to the nape of your neck. You kept those little instances close to your heart, savouring the moment with closed eyes and total silence, to hear the loud ‘smack’ that his lips did against your skin. His hands trailed from your stomach, past the bruises and scratches on your waist and ribs to stop barely under your chest.

The movement was made with ease as if he knew not to tiptoe around you. To not make you feel weird about it.

Maybe it had something to do with your upbringing, after all, growing up in a house were movement meant working and that correlated to the amount of recognition you got, the praise and love being tide with how useful you made yourself to be. You couldn’t stand to be put, feeling ill and remaining still making you anxious. For some reason you thought that feeling couldn’t be topped by anything else and then you discovered it, being a burden was something much worse.

But Jake somehow knew about that, at times you felt like he could hear your thoughts just glancing at you, reading you like an open book. And so his steady grasp was there when he help you get a new shirt – one with the smell of his cologne – with all the unsaid feelings and longing for each other.

You could feel how much he craved to pull you closer, to forget about what had happened and just loose himself in your lips. For his mind to go quiet as it couldn’t focus on anything else but you, in your hands pulling him closer, to be engulfed by you. Or maybe you were the one with those cravings.

You walked up to the kitchen, taking a look at the now empty glass still placed on the table, the droplets of water rolling down from the water Jake took a few minutes ago.  You ate the breakfast he cooked, the boiled eggs with enchiladas bringing you some remembrance of peace, you tried your best to stay grounded, to be present in the moment but he noticed how your mind trailed in the midst of it, a look he knew too well because he has been the one wearing it in the past. He was worried about you, not so much for the wounds that adorned your body, he knew how tough his partner was and that they could take that shit with ease, no, what really worried him was your mind.

Because he knew you like the palm of his hands and know how it wouldn’t give you a rest, filled with thoughts that even if Steven tried his best to scare away they still remained. He would do anything to help you stop them, he just needed you to open up about it. There was something else, something you weren’t telling him, something that bugged you with no end but he couldn’t quite place his finger on it.

He called your name like someone does after being ignored for a while, maybe it was because of the way your fork had been circling against the empty plate or your lost gaze that’s being seeing right past him or even just because he has handed you the tablets of medicine as he refilled your glass with water.

You felt exhausted and scared that he might share the sentiment.

“Lo siento” you took the pills from him plopping it in your mouth and drowning it along with your words.

“Esta bien mi amor” his hand was now on your hair messing it up, he knew how much it annoyed you but he didn’t care because he also knew how much you tried to supress the fact that you actually enjoyed whenever he and Layla did it. “You don’t have to apologize”

“No, es que…” you inhaled sharp, looking up at him. His body was leaning on the table, his weight on both of his arms and the dangling star adorning his neck. “I messed up that night and-“

“I know what you meant, but you don’t have to worry about it” he crunched down, now he being the one looking up at you and you slouched feeling the back of his hand rubbing against your cheek “The bastard is gone, we made sure of that. And you’re okay”

“Wait you did?” You saw him nod content, there was that relief washing your features, not more furrowed eyebrows and worried eyes. “When?”

“no importa amor, lo que importa…” he got up helping you do the same, the feeling of your hands on his was something he couldn’t get enough of, the softness of them against his tainted skin sending a shock of tranquillity through his body “is that you lived to be annoyed by me for another day”

He saw the hesitance creeping back in your eyes and how this fixated in the way your thumb rubbed the back of his hand, tracing the scars that remained on them.

“Hey” his voice was soft, your foreheads pressed against each other and his nose softly brushing yours “Everything is okay”

“You promise?”

“I do” his grip on your hands became sturdier “And I’m no liar”

You left out a tired chuckle “Only when it benefits you”

“Hate the game not the player” the corner of his lips tugged up once more in that stupid grin you fell in love with. He came closer, his hands coming up to grab your head, you leaned into the touch, your hands wrapping around his wrists with a smile on your face.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how the saying goes” you rolled your eyes but you weren’t actually annoyed, he knew that and you knew that he did.

“I’m pretty sure it is” he closed the distance, pressing his lips against yours and your arms trailed slowly around his neck, the discomfort was there and yet it was eclipsed by the pure ecstasy of tasting him, of having his hands not caring of your damaged skin, grabbing it to keep you right there for him.

Your leg moved up and he helped you to place them around his waist, to have you pressed against him. You could feel your stomach beginning to swirl in anticipation, your shirt riling up when he carried you carefully through the messy apartment back to bed. That bed, that precious bed that held you still like a home you don’t seem to be able to leave, your place of rest for the past two days. Coming to the point of feeling chained to it but right now, in this moment felt more like a throne than a prison.

Where you normally found desire and desperation with torn fabric and sloppy kisses was only love and peace, the care that he felt being transmitted to you. He needed you to realize and understand how much they loved you, for you to understand that forgiveness wasn’t something they could grant you, because it was something only you could give yourself. They didn’t blame you for anything that happened and you needed to understand that, god he really hoped you understood it. It wasn’t your fault.

It was written in all his actions, in how his lips grazed over the purple, green and scabs in his way down, because he knew how it felt to be ashamed of having a wounded body – even if the damaged was caused by protecting someone – and he refused on giving you that option. His hands holding your legs in place while he ripped sweet sounds of pleasure right from your throat.

Those words he gave you just minutes ago replaying in your mind like a chant that would be cemented in your brain for the rest of your days. “I promise, everything is okay”

His lips pressed against yours, shaky breaths clashing against them as you felt his grip on your hips and the way his eyes roamed your face for a sign to stop. There wasn’t.

Everything is okay

His curls hanging on your face while he kept a steady pace, not to rough but not to slow. Just like you needed, he mumbling sweet nothings in Spanish right against your ear, the words falling almost in desperation for you to catch them and keep them near your heart.

Everything is okay.

Your hands intertwined together faces adorned by blissful smiles.

Everything is okay

~☽☾~

Your arm was extended In front of you, the back of his hand against your palm as you tried to analyse every aspect of it, laying on the couch was nice, after talking for a bit while scavenging through the flat and realizing you were all out of snack both of you decided to go buy the missing ingredients for cinnamon rolls, the grocery bags laid on the kitchen counter still packed as the two of you laid together on the couch with a blanket laying across your lap, your back leaned against his chest and his fingers playing with your hair with the occasional kiss being left on the crown of your head.

“How about I become a vigilante?” you jokingly said, the humorous tone made him tilt back his head before nudging it against yours.

“How about ya don’t?” he said only half joking, if you didn’t know him as well as you did you would’ve thought he was angry at you, but he wasn’t.

It was hard reading Lockley sometimes, to the untrained eye it would seem like his waking days where just a cruel joke he had to live through, that he was angry just for existing but in actuality he just had that kind of face, the one that keeps people at arm’s length even if he is nothing but polite, forcing him to just cherish the company of the few people who seemed to look past it. Enjoying his time with the ones he cares about, going out of his way to see Crawley every now and then, going to Gena’s dinner whenever he had the chance, texting with Layla every other month and spending all the time he could by your side.

“Come on! It would be fun, I could star sparing with-“ you took a deep breath before continuing “At least you have to admit I would look great, covered in battle scars” you let go of his hand and leaned to the side to look at him comfortably.

He shook his head.

“Me gustas asi” he left a kiss on your wounded shoulder, it was loud but didn’t leave traces of pain “no te cambiaría nada”

The feeling of him pressed against you was comforting, the warmth of his body making the pain tolerable and traces of guilt only an afterthought that you didn’t even focus on instead the migraine inducing reminder that it was. And yet your mind didn’t seem to feel like giving up, making that aching question that you’ve managed to push back for a while something more present and distracting.

“So…” you said elongating the ‘o’ “I know you’re not mad at me”

He hummed for you to continue, there was a small frown on his face as he paid close attention to your words.

“And I know neither is Steven” you tried your best to find the exact words to describe what you were feeling, thinking, aching to ask but it was hard, why was it so hard? You sighed “But I… ¿Qué hay de Marc?”

“¿Qué con él?” His fingers grazed through the side of your arm as a way to tell you ‘hey, it’s fine! You can do it’

“Is he mad at me?” you blurred out, finally spitting out the thought that made your stomach swirl, you glanced at him before looking down to your hands, resting on your lap “I mean, even Layla has called to check on me and-“ you sucked in a breath, his hand reaching out to tangle in between yours “I haven’t heard from him since it happened”

“No mi amor” he pulled you in closer to him, as close as he could without harming you in any way. “He’s ashamed”

He couldn’t stand the tint of guilt creeping back into your words or the way you seemed to become smaller, hunching away from his embrace, how the seemingly nice afternoon turned slowly in something more. You turned to look at him, scooping to the other side of the sofa away from his reach.

“He feels like… this is his fault” he confessed, his eyes looking briefly to your shoulder before coming back to meet your gaze and his hand reached to his temple “and he’s fuckin’ yellin’ all of the sudden”

You wanted to ask for him, to be able to hold Marc and reassure him that none of this was his fault, but you were hesitant, never demanding any of your boyfriends to front before. But the need was there and it was big, so scared of what his mind could be telling him, because for a moment it reminded you of the echoes of your own thoughts. You knew Marc, how he could get caught up into himself, so blinded by the bad thoughts that kept him in place. Sure you had bad days but you also saw how hard his ‘good days’ seemed to be, coming close to those where you weren’t able to leave the bed without some encouragement.

Yet Jake seemed to understand just what you needed without having to spell it out for him and in a split second he was gone, pulling marc to the front. You saw how his eyes grew larger with hesitance and the fear that coated them, how his eyebrows were furrowed and the way his lip trembled as he backed, pressing his back harder into the sofa, and a sudden rush of coldness passing through made you shiver. You reached for his arm but he flinched at the movement, the striking paint going from the tip of your fingers to the wound in the shoulder and tearing a whine out from the depths of your throat.

“Fuck” he said, his eyes frantically looking at you – trailing from your eyes to your chest, down your hands, hips and back to your eyes but not the shoulder, never the shoulder- as he couldn’t stop his body from shaking, It felt weird seeing him like this, frail and scared. Like those nights he would wake up drenched in sweat from a nightmare and would plea you to go back to sleep before going for a new glass of water. But right now it was a bit different, looking like a stray animal that tried to find shelter out of reach from reckless kid that tried to pet him.

Because of you

You saw him becoming stiffer in front of you, how his breath seemed to come to a pause as his hands tried to reach out for you even if his mind screamed to do the opposite, to keep you away where he couldn’t hurt you anymore. The thing about Spector is that he knew deep down, under all the love and longing that he had for you how much danger you were in just by knowing his name, by wrapping your arms around him as you slept together with his back against your chest, and by having a knight for company.

Because that’s what he was and with that came the responsibility of protecting you, even if you insisted and proved how capable you were on taking care of yourself, it was something he felt obligated to do, to keep you safe since that tumultuous night you stumbled into him. Since he fell in love with your soft words and careful touches as if you knew how much damage he has gone through and just how badly he longed for someone to soothe him back to sleep.

When his mind decided it would be great to bring back those faces of the people he had managed to cause pain along his path.

In a loud house a silent room is a blessing, tucking his heart under the bed where the noise doesn’t reach. It’s only a matter of time until he learned that a loud house is something out of the ordinary, something to fear and want to escape from.

Fuck the loud noises, the yelling and screaming. Fuck the shattered plates and thrown pots, the cracking belts and the stinging hands.

He just wanted the peace, security and quietness of a tranquil house, a noiseless home. Things that you handed to him with ease, as if it was something so common, something that didn’t come from obligation, because it was so normal and yet he couldn’t comprehend that something like that could ever be given to him, even if someone had already done it before.

And yet you did. You gave it away without whining or expecting anything in return from Marc because the spark in those brown eyes and the creases that formed around his mouth whenever he smiled was enough pay for you. Feeling the need to scream into the wind how much you loved Marc Spector, to let the world know that no matter what happened you would be by his side. No, to be by their side, because your love didn’t stop at one of them, it seemed like your heart was made in the perfect way to fit into theirs, like a puzzle piece that would be incomplete otherwise.

He tried his best to remember that, to know that everything was okay but he saw how much he had been a toll in other people’s lived and he dreaded the idea of becoming one in yours. He noticed how less frequently your mom called since you started to date him, how you made up excuses not to go back home since you started to live together and how your spark seemed to die down whenever someone pointed out your hometown, it was miniscule but it was there and it pained him.

“Marc” you called for him, he had no idea when both of you left their place on the sofa or when you took his hands in yours, your eyes trying to catch a glimpse of his, making his chest ache in the process, seeing the worry building up in your features.

He should be the one taking care of you, not the other way around.

His hands left yours as soon as he realized, blinking to fight back the tears that started to pile up in the corner of his eyes. This was too much, the air starting to feel heavy and the walls seemingly closer than normal and yet to far apart, no matter how much air filled his lungs it wasn’t enough and he just wanted to go.

“Hey” you took his hand slowly placing it on your chest, his eyes following along. He saw the way your chest moves steady and slow, he tried his best to mimic the rhythm closely but it was hard “breathe” you mouthed, noticing how hard it was for him to actually listen to your voice.

Run

You saw the way he shook his head creating more distance between the two of you, not bearing to touch you knowing what he had caused.

“I- I shouldn’t have…” he tried to speak up but the dryness of his throat made it almost impossible, his hands reached to his chest pushing down on it in hopes for ease the pain growing on it and maybe even being able to push out the words in the process “It’s my fault, I should’ve gone with you, I shouldn’t have left you alone”

He stumbled through his words, trying hard not to listen to what his mind was telling him and instead stay with you and talk things through, he wanted to scape, to go back inside so whoever wanted to take his place could but he pushed through it, feeling both Jake and Steven close to him as if reassuring him with those same words he kept repeating to himself this past days ‘everything is okay’.

You wanted to run and pull him into a hug, to keep him safe and snugged against yourself with your hearts beating near each other but didn’t know if that was the right thing to do.

“Marc” you breathed “It wasn’t your fault, I wanted to go alone”

You were crunched over still trying to even out your breath, it was hard almost impossible with the circle of people around you, leaving barely enough space for you to think.

Layla was too focused on calming down the brunette girl that seemingly could cry a river all by herself, the one that trembled under her friend’s touch as she dragged her hand along her back to ease her. You wished the world would go silent for a moment so you could hear what they were saying without having to move.

That’s when you saw him walking back, almost sprinting to your side after getting rid of the guy that punched you. He wanted to make him pay for what he had done but the thought of you heaving here all alone while Layla made sure the girls were okay was enough to drag him back with that need being unfulfilled.

He reached out to you, helping you to get back on your two feet and getting a whine out of you.

“Are you-“

“Okay?” you cut him out nodding, the pain was there but nothing you couldn’t breathe through “Yes, don’t- yes bebé”

“Hey so…” Layla leaned on Marc’s shoulder once she was back “the girl’s came alone, apparently her birthday? Also exchange students” she sighed “They have no one who can pick them up or take them home”

“I- We can take them” you heaved through, still trying to recollect your breath.

“No” she shook her head and placed a hand on your shoulder “You need to rest, I’ll go with them, make sure they are safe”

You looked at them understanding that there was no way of changing that.

“I guess” you sucked in a breath and closed one of your eyes in a pained expression “But let me walk you to the bus stop, I need some fresh air”

Her eyes drifted away from you as she thought about it for a while, desperately wanting to say no but once she looked back at you, she understood exactly what you were thinking of.

“I guess” she finally said.

“I’ll go with you” he voiced out, his eyes left Layla’s to look back at you, he knew just how stubborn both of you were but hoped he could convince you somehow.

You shook your head chuckling and patted his chest “It’s not far, I’ll see you at the car”

You needed this, to be alone for a second. To know that you could be one minute without being scared, to know that this wouldn’t become something you’ll be afraid of next time you wanted to go out.

“I should’ve insisted” he wanted to step back but for some reason his legs weren’t responding to his commands, hot tears beginning to stream down his face.

You moved slowly towards him, afraid of making a wrong move that would scare him away. One hand resting on his chest while the other reached to wipe away his tears and slowly guiding him to look at you.

“Oh bebé…” it was soft and short but full of memories.

“No” he shook his head placing his jacket on ready to go down street with you “I’m going”

“Marc, please…” you weren’t asking anymore, you were begging to him and he noticed it “I need this”

He was afraid of the funny feeling in his gut telling him to not let you win, to push back and go with you even if you would be all moody in your way back home but the pleading eyes were too much, the sound of your desperate voice asking for his trust.

He sighed

“It’s my fault” he said once more and you couldn’t tell if those words were directed to you or to himself. His voice felt tinted by the bitter ring of Wendy’s and Jake grew angry at them while Steven felt pure sorrow.

“It’s not your fault” pushing through the pain your hands guided his head to press his forehead against yours “everything is okay”

It wasn’t much of a reminder this time, it was a promise.

It took a while to get him out of that heavy mind-set, his breathing becoming less frantic when he finally started to listen, to actually understand what the words that you gave him meant. He tried hard not to flinch away when your fingers reached for his, keeping the little hiccups at bay when your hand ran through his back, his eyes were red and puffy from all the crying, and he told you how his nose felt stuffy when you passed him a napkin. You tried to cheer him up, cleaning away the mess from his face while he apologized for ‘everything’, you didn’t exactly know what everything meant for him though and you wished to believe he only meant to apologize for forgetting how none of this was caused by him, for forgetting that his arms where the place that made you feel like you were truly home. Of course you reminded him with a simple ‘it’s fine’.

“How about we make the cinnamon rolls?” his eyes remained closed and his head leaned against your touch when you brushed his dark curls away from his face, enjoying the view of his now relaxed expression.

You always found it funny how your lovers shared the same face and yet they had their unique way of making it ‘theirs’, how they managed to look so different.

“Yeah, I’d like that” he replied nodding slightly, he felt you pulling your hand away and held it in place to leave a small kiss before any contact between the two of you was lost.

“Just… remember to double check” you laughed seeing him rolling his eyes, he pushed softly your hip with his fist before leaning to take out the bowl you always used while baking.

It was nice, knowing he wasn’t scared of being around you as he was a couple of hours ago.

“I swear the salt and sugar look the same!” he wrapped his arms around you.

Careful

He reminded himself once more, this time it wasn’t directed to Jake while patching you up or to Steven while dressing you down but to silence all the other nasty thoughts that threatened to ruin once more his time with you. He wouldn’t let them win, not this time at least.

He couldn’t let them because he wanted this, to spend his time away next to you, craving desperately to hear that laugh that melted his heart away and forget once and for all that anything bad could happened or that occurred in the first place. Nothing would keep that pleasure away from Marc, not even himself.

By the time you were done there were splotches of flours on your clothes and face, not even the kitchen counter and floors were speared of the mess. Marc’s proud smile when he passed you the sugar instead of the salt container was picture worthy and you tried multiple times to sneak a taste from the uncooked batter just for him to smack your hand away making you giggle.

He took a little bit of glazing with his fingers for you to taste, it was delicious.

You were laying on the floor, the cool hardwood floor contrasting with the heat coming from the oven, it was nice, the mix of the cool temperature on your back with the slight warm on the air, there weren’t a lot of things left to say emerging yourself in the comfortable silence, it only being disrupted by the ticking clock on top of the counter that counted down the seconds until the rolls were finally done. After a little while of lying next to Marc he finally spoke up, a little ”hey” rushing from him.

You turned to look at him, his eyes set on the ceiling and a smile slowly making itself present on his face, shining like stars in the night sky.

“Have I ever told you, what I thought when I first saw you?” it came with traces of laughter, the embarrassment of reminding that night mixed with pure disbelief.

You shook your head “No”

“I just- I just wanted to kiss you” the lights were dim making it hard to see, but you knew his face would be glowing in a lovely shade of crimson as he moved his hand covering his eyes “I couldn’t believe someone like you would walk up to that mess and call me amor”

It was late at night in the pub near his old apartment, the one he used to share with Layla, he couldn’t be further from home but he didn’t mind it – Steven’s flat never really felt like home to him anyways – as he could use some time walking alone with his thoughts, it wasn’t that late into the night but he was already as drunk as he could be and it was time to get going, he just needed to remember where his keys were.

It would also be really helpful to be able to stand up without gobbling and plastering his face on the floor. His head rested in between his hands leaning on the bar with a glass of whiskey he didn’t remember ordering next to him.

The pressure from a hand on his back made the man turn faster than you expected, not even his fuzzy senses could manage to slow down his reaction when he felt your lips pressed against his cheek. And then he heard it, your voice ringing in his ears and bringing him an unexpected sense of peace, one that he hadn’t realize would be possible since it left packed inside his ex-wife’s suitcase, fuck! Why was he thinking of her? That was the solely reason he had even gone out tonight.

To forget

“Sorry… do I know you?” his Chicago accent was stronger when he drank and in the mornings, but it’s not like the person in front of him would know that.

The hand left its place on his back as if the mere contact burned harder than fire and he couldn’t explain why he wanted to ask for it back, was he that desperate? That touch starved that he would feel the need to ask a stranger not to back away? To just keep you close to him and your touch on his aching body.

“Steven?” when the name fell from your lips it all made sense and he couldn’t help but feel worse for longing the touch from someone that wasn’t his to long for. He couldn’t be selfish and keep love away from his alters just because it was kept from him.

Fuck, his eyes focused on your lips feeling himself slipping away, his gut stirring at the urge to beg Steven to give him just five more minutes with you and maybe get to know each other.

This definitely would be a night impossible to forget.

The little bell from the oven rang and you turned with excitement, Marc got up and helped you so your eagerness for a sweet treat wouldn’t hurt you in the process, it was still a while for you to actually eat them and you knew that but fuck were you excited for it.

“I wanted to ask you” he was slicing the still hit rolls for you to finally have that sweet you were craving, after all your impatiens was notable when it came to stuff like this “about your má”

“Yeah?” your eyes jumped from the plate in front of you to him, going to the fridge and taking something to drink for both

“Did something happen?” he sat on the opposite side of the table, hand playing with his wristwatch.

“No, why are you asking?” you moved your plate to sit next to him, your hand reaching for his and your head resting on his shoulder.

“I’ve noticed she hasn’t called” he reached for the box of meds that made its home on the table, handing you some water along with them.

“Oh yeah, she’s just busy” you smiled and plopped them in your mouth “Starting a business is hard”

“What?” he tried hard not to sound as confused as he was but failed miserable “I thought- when did that happen?”

“Well… she’s always talked about it and, after a while of pushing I finally managed to convince her to open her own restaurant” you sighed and shrugged “told her I could go down there to help out for a while but she told me not to worry. I know she is busy and all but sometimes I just… it wouldn’t even make sense for me to visit her right now if I’m not going to help, you know? Don’t want to be a-“

You fell in silence, not knowing how to put what you were feeling into word.

“Burden?” he heard you hum and shook his head “You’re not. I really thought you fought or something” he was relieved to be in the wrong.

“Why would we?” he shrugged “well we didn’t so stop worrying about it”

“Is that why you haven’t gone?” he saw the way you rolled your shoulders, the pain no longer there.

“A part of it, yeah. But maybe we could go together next time? I would love for you to meet her”

You’ve talked with her about your boyfriends, it took her a while to understand what it all meant but once she couldn’t help but be glad her ‘little baby’ was loved by someone so strong and capable, sometimes she would say hi to them when you were on facetime.

“I would like that too”

You kissed his shoulder and then his neck, trailing up to kiss his lips, his hand cupping your face

And in that moment there weren’t big descriptions to be made.

Only silence and kisses with taste of cinnamon rolls.

me adding the translations? wow that's something new

¿Te lo dije, o no? - I told you so, didn't I?

¡Respira maldita sea! - breathe god dammit!

Steven, si no te callas juro que-“ - Steven if you don't shut up I swear-

Mi amor - My love

¡Mierda Lockley! - shit Lockley!

y no quiero dejarte - and I don't want to leave you

Jake, ya… porfa - Jake, come one… please

Mierda - shit

Puta madre - fucking hell

quiero ver tu carita hermosa - I want to see your pretty face

Buenos días dormilona - Good morning sleepyhead

roncas horrible - you snore horribly

Mira quién habla - look who's talking

Lo siento - I'm sorry

Esta bien mi amor - it's alright my love

No, es que… - no, it's just…

no importa amor, lo que importa… - doesn't matter love, what matters…

Me gustas asi - I like you like this

no te cambiaría nada - wouldn't change a thing

¿Qué hay de Marc? - what about Marc?

¿Qué con él? - What about him?

No mi amor - no my love

bebé - baby

má - (short for mom)

#jake lockley #marvel #moon knight #steven grant #moon knight system #marc spector #steven grant x reader #jake lockley x y/n #jake lockely x you #i'll die for soft jake #steven grant x you #marc spector x you #marc spector x reader #marc spector fanfic #jake lockley fanfiction #steven grant fanfiction #hurt/comfort #angst with a happy ending

[keikakudom]

Lemme try and make sense of Vox's mindset, and correct me if I get anything wrong?

I think Vox in RR!au hardly actually thinks about suicide. He's too much of a busy man to do that, after all! Thinking about death is for people with too much time on their hands, who don't have to deal with a billion problems on the daily. And sure, maybe it wouldn't be a terrible accident if he was locked out on extermination day one year (not that there's exterminations anymore), but he'll never bother to actively seek it -- why would he? He has things to do. Empires to run/build. Deals to make. Resorts to run, residents to settle, princesses to talk to.

Really, everything would be just fine and dandy, as long as progress is being made, nothing goes wrong at the resort, heaven doesn't come down for no good reason, and that deer freak manage to not bother him for a single day. All dandy!

So what if he's been going through business ventures like someone going through Doritos at the back of the car? It's difficult to stay on top, in Hell, and he can't rely on tech or media forever, not when they cycle faster and faster(and he would know, of course, his whole body is made of it). He's doing what it takes, and if it's risky, what business isn't?

And re: Alastor, vox may have once had feelings for him, but now it's probably soured into maybe wishing that Alastor would just fuck off somewhere where he'll never be heard from again. I think Vox knows very well from years of companionship that Alastor considers him a source of amusement and entertainment rather than an equal, and that hasn't truly changed even after he left, and in a way that has to bite? That Alastor cannot leave it alone, has to make his opinions and disdain clear to all of hell every single day, and also make it clear that vox cannot do anything to stop him (that tv still runs on radiowaves fundamentally, that he can't get rid of Alastor's influence).

Like the way I interpret canon!vox's feelings re:alastor has a lot more insecurity and the desire to show he's stronger now, he's over it, he doesn't need him, than just being rejected romantically, and in contrast RR!vox grinned and bore it longer without letting on, and then at some point just gave up, by which time his feelings have soured so far past insecurity and bitterness into straight up nihilism. (Doomed yaoi my fav)

Ok I'm just rambling now but yeah I think vox in RR!au is really really interesting? Bc he's y'know not in the best place but also he's fine. He's not, probably never, going to actively do anything, left to his own devices he's just going to keep at his daily routine and eventually self-destruct on his own hubris by taking on far more than he is capable of (people pleasing tendencies, hm?). But otherwise he's fine.

*drops my glass of milk* yea, this all. Checks out.

(that tv still runs on radiowaves fundamentally, that he can't get rid of Alastor's influence)

I think RR!Alastor is also chasing RR!Vox because he knows something is really wrong when Vox wants to cut something *fundamental to his functions* out from his life... If Alastor had any heat to his words, he could do some serious damage to Vox.

But Alastor was not able to reciprocate back then(or in general) the way Vox ever wanted him to. Alastor might think, "What's so wrong about being amusing to me? What's so wrong in being cared for that way?" But we know that Vox, even in canon, is pretty damn emotional. A confession was bound to happen, but since RR!Vox never did, he opt'd to shut them off. It started off with distractions, and those worked too well. Eventually he gave up trying to figure out his emotions and took the "easy" way out, nihilism--but like everything Vox dips his foot into, it's never enough. Only this time it's not only power(like I interpret canon!Vox to seek) that's growing/he's greedy for, it's this all-encompassing void.

Another interesting characterization to tack onto RR!AU Vox is his strong lack of self-preservation, I did mention it here when I had some thoughts on canon!Vox, but rather than "confidence", he does not care. And on occasion, he can go irrationally, batshit crazy for the same reason.

Let's set the stage in hmm, 1980s? He starts not to care about smaller allies, the people he stomps on, eating them up to become an overlord. Recruits Valentino, doesn't care that Val is immoral. At first it's "not his business", but it starts spreading. What is it that he's looking for? Power? Love? Entertainment? People to accept him?

Which is why RR!Vox decided to jump the gun a little bit and shoot for becoming a form of "GOD", aka the original reason for all his anguish in Hell(his religious roots as a human). It's kind of...an endpoint? It's not the most sane, or sensical route-- but he doesn't care that much. He's functioning on this tired/desensitized, pseudo-robotic, logical reasoning with a combo of "oh god I'm running out of interest"(in existing/running himself to the ground). So....hm, "fine" is a tragic word, indeed.

He's not, probably never, going to actively do anything, left to his own devices he's just going to keep at his daily routine and eventually self-destruct on his own hubris by taking on far more than he is capable of (people pleasing tendencies, hm?). But otherwise he's fine.

Welllll, he did always want to go out with a bang. If he did. I don't know, something really big. Like becoming God! Yeah.....That'd do it.

IMO, the premise of RR!AU isn't in stasis-- the reason Vox picked up this project in particular is an aggressive move. He's no longer distributing the same amount of work to the other Vees either anymore, so there is....some urgency, is what I like to think....

#au: reset resort #ask #flonautilus #oh goodness this is. depressing #i like to suspend belief and think #alastor knows this #is there anyone to latch onto a sliver of hope #is there even hope left #ooooo spooky #that atticwife ask has! not! left! my mind! #lmfao as you can tell. #i wish i had the same enthusiasm for my essays as i do with hypothetical vox #“hardly ever thinks about suicide” is not inaccurate to describe him #though I would say it's also like. an overarching thing in the background creeping behind him #*aggressively plays 'Nothing Left to Lose' again* #CHARLIE HELP HIM #Edit: >“nothing goes wrong at the resort” #I think.... errors or mistakes are things that get close to being the straw that break the camel's back #Like a big wrench thrown into the system thats's like #“OH SHIT” but suspends the workaholic mode just enough to. Think about it.

[lastoneout]

So my nerve pain that I was in the ER for the other day was improving but now seems to just be like, plateauing? and not really getting any better, and like when I called my shitty neurologist about it she basically just told me to take ibuprofen, and the last time I talked to her about what to do re: my opccipital nerve pain she told me to talk to my pain specialist, so like yeah calling her again seems kinda beyond pointless even if I didn't hate her.

But today I do have an appointment I forgot to cancel with my shitty pain specialist who put me in the ER back in March, and like I do NOT want to see him again AT ALL, but I also am starting to get really freaked out by this nerve pain not getting better and nothing really helping, and I know this is outside my primary's wheelhouse, and idk if the ER or urgent care are going to really be able to do much outside of make sure I'm not dying(which they already did last time I was there, they ran a bunch of tests and did a CT scan and legit said it's just my opccipital nurlasia flaring up) so I'm like....do I go and just see if there's anything he can do? Cuz like I don't trust him but I feel like I basically have no other option here and I can't keep being in pain like this forever, I have stuff to do, and the only meds that help fuck with my other meds and make me too high to function so like....

The only downside is this office is like, WAY on the other side of town, and we're broke rn and my fiance is too busy at work to take time off to give me a ride, so I just barely have enough money to get me up to the appointment, not enough to get back so I'd have to just hang out until my fiance gets off and can come get me, and I don't know that anyone can give me a ride this short notice. But this also kinda feels like my only chance to talk to a doctor about this outside of the ER and tbh I really just don't want to go to the ER again anyway....

Eugh on top of it all I think something I ate last night was a little off bcs my stomach has been bothering me all night and I feel super nauseous. I just have no idea what to do, I don't know who can help me or what's wrong or if I need to be worried, and my only option is someone who put me in the Fucking ER with his incompetence. God I feel so hopeless rn, everything was looking up for a while there and now it's falling apart and I feel so alone and confused and scared. I don't know what to do. There aren't good options.

#personal #negative #vent #medical stuff

[trans-eddie]

both "eddie munson is sexually experienced and suave and really good in bed and knows what he is doing" and the "eddie munson is a lame dork loser nobody likes and obviously has to be a virgin because there's probably no way he's ever kissed anybody" are both like. fundamentally incorrect with the information we are given about him.

first and foremost: he is coded sexually, if we are interpreting him as queercoded. the hanky code, the handcuffs, those are not just "gay signals," they communicate s&m top. that's a pretty bold (and almost impossible) statement to make for someone who exists pre-internet, if he has no experience. that's not readily available knowledge to someone who is not on the scene and actively picking it up.

BUT we also have to consider: he is very young, still in high school, and socially rejected.

important to note though, examining his behavior, he is not socially awkward. awkwardness to me implies a level of unintentional clashing with social rules, and eddie very specifically seems to clash on purpose. he knows what he's doing and that's why he's doing it. it's part of the "rebel" design of his character; he knows the social rules, and that's why he's able to say "fuck them." that's also why he can pull it off without most people cringing over it, because, speaking as an autistic person, if actually socially awkward people (like autistic ppl) do half of what eddie did, it would instantly cause mockery. but eddie conveys disdain for the rules and social conventions, not unawareness, so he can pull off that behavior in a way that makes the audience like him.

which means reasonably (as we are shown) he would mesh INCREDIBLY well with other people like him. nerds, rejects, outcasts, other metalheads, etc. the kids latch onto him quite a lot for someone who is supposed to be socially awkward, because he isn't. he IS charming and magnetic and inspiring....to a select sub group of people.

part of his queer coding IS his social reject status. which literally means other queer people are likely to connect well with him, because they are also going to be socially rejected. and eddie DOES display a level of aptitude when it suits him (like how easily he made chrissy feel comfortable using the exact same overdramatic "socially awkward" behavior and seemed to know it would work.)

in fact, chrissy actually mentions that she thought he would be "mean and scary," which is based more on assumptions made bc of his associations with metal music and d&d, which is also the basis of the cafeteria monolgue; he wasn't seen as a freak for his "dork" behaviors or for being a nerd, like more modern d&d players might. the theme of the season was the satanic panic, and eddie's social reject status was based on everything about him being demonized as evil, not socially awkward. in fact if you observe, he consistently shows very nice and even gentlemanly behaviors, meaning that everyone who percieves him the way they do does it bc of stereotypes and associations, not out of observing his behavior.

the point I'm trying to get at: in a little rural town like hawkins, liklihood is he doesn't have a lot of opportunity or even a decent enough pool of people to choose from; but also he is implied to have some level of sexual experience. i would posit, then, that he has only a little bit, probably just hookups (bc of the nature of flagging,) due to things like the constraints of his age and location. he wouldn't have had much of a shot before becoming an adult because high schoolers were afraid or wary of him, but outside of school where he wouldn't carry that reputation, there would be no reason why he wouldn't succeed.

eddie probably has a level of charm and natural draw and talent that would work pretty effectively on the right people (but not most,) but probably not enough practical experience to actually be knowledgeable.

and i would very easily say its likely he has no romantic experience and probably has never dated before.

but like. the two ends of the spectrum on this take are both easily contradicted by actual canon evidence, so they're getting to be fairly annoying interpretations. he is neither a smooth sex king nor an awkward virgin.

#stranger things #eddie munson

[charmixpower]

Issue Twenty-Four: Love Potion

Jester Comic Jester Comic Jester Comic Jester-

Um fnsbdnsksbs girlie???

I'm so obsessed with Stella's top jacket and headband 🥰 so so cute

Musa is so adorable as well 😍😍😍

Bloom, why, just, why

Imagine opening a book and it's just "make a motorcycle outfit appear, for second years" I'm so obsessed

They are so cute!!!! Love all their outfits!!!

Flora's off the shoulder sweater 😍 Aisha's sweater vest over the open button up 😍 Tecna's thigh highs and electric horns 😍 Musa's sideways music note 😍

Bloom's is very mid next to Tecna's

This is so so so cute, most couple ever

So adorable 🥰🥰🥰

Shilly, stop trying to be a home wrecker plzz

Shilly stuttering when talking to Icy is everything to me, she so clearly is confused and freaked out by Icy talking to her and then remembers Icy doesn't have her memory

Important question for this comic

Uh why the fuck does Icy do this??? Boredom??? Because the only reasonable answer is boredom

This actually gets more confusing later on, but we get there when we get there

Comics Tecna you are not my baby girl even a little bit 💓 Look at how they massacre my girl

THAT IS SO UNSANITARY!!!! FUCKING AWFUL!!

NFNSBJWEJBEBRNWNWBWBW SHILLY ACCIDENTALLY MAKES STELLA IN LOVE WITH HER ALT CON THATS HILARIOUS

Why does this random ass student dislike Stella so much??

"She was always so full of herself just because she had a boyfriend"

incorrect, Stella is always full of her self

But also Stella literally save Alfea form being destroyed, learn some fucking respect

I have no comment, I am rolling on the floor

Nothing to see here folks

Also Bloom you wouldn't be saying this if it was Sky

Look at Musa's sweater 😍 she's so adorable I'm obsessed, she looks super cute in orange

Hate the under shirt tho

SERIOUSLY WHY DID SHE DO THIS!!! IF SHE JUST WANTED TO UPSET THE WINX AND CAUSE DRAMA SHE WOULDN'T TELL SHILLY THIS!!! WHAT IS GOING THOUGH HER HEAD!!!

Literally the only explanation is wavy she wanted to exert control over someone and control their actions though her words, because that's the only thing she gains from this situation

Which is an interesting characterization of Icy as a toxic manipulator who enjoys dragging people around to her whims, but that's never stated, so my only recourse is to assume that the writers don't even know and just wanted this plot to happen

Also they somehow made Icy's top WORSE

Bloom is literally just watching this without doing anything, amazing job looking out for your friends

Even if Brandon's been acting weird, this is v good evidence that isn't his fault, and you don't sit there and observe what's happening. You confront Shilly about what she's doing because maybe she's making it WORSE

This moment is really sweet tho, god I hope Shilly becomes a reoccurring character as a witch who is friends and helps the Winx bc all witches are evil is sooooo annoying to me

"I prefer to win you over, day after day!"

THAT IS SO FUCKING CUTE!!! MOST COUPLE OF ALL TIME FOLKS!!! THEY ARE THE BEST!!

#Winx club #Rus liveblogs #Winx comics #Winx comic #long post

[karliahs]

guys i'm playing the royal third semester for the first time and i like it SO much

i think i have been grinning for like 3 hours straight now, this is all so JUICY. like i've enjoyed my replay but idk i wasn't expecting to be this into the new (for me) content!

highlights

the absolute fucking comedy of akechi taking over doing the battle commentary. and he's just. an absolute loon. practically dripping villain energy. cannot stop screaming about bloodshed. and yoshizawa is just there like hm so? this is fine? he is just? like that? all the time? and we're all fine with it?? joker? joker tell me this is fine?

honestly post-villainy villain content is truly top tier in every iteration. tbh i started out inherently biased against akechi bc of sheer fandom oversaturation but i am eating all this up so contentedly. look at that little freak go

i just played the bad ending to see what it was like and also bc this was the first bad ending offshoot where i could genuinely see ren as i imagine him being tempted to take the deal and omggggg. everything about it is so much but i can't believe sojiro asking ren to stay at leblanc after the year ends is part of his canonical dream reality? i have so many thoughts about ren defining himself around his friends and being unable to continue on with what he thinks is right when it seems like they'll be happier if he doesn't. and akechi watching this happen when he did a whole plot based on the idea that the PTs would fall apart without joker...and it turning out that joker falls apart without the PTs...OOF

i was spoiled for the core part of the sumire/kasumi stuff but even then i still managed to get surprised bc i had assumed that like...everyone thought sumire was kasumi? like that she was fully pretending to be kasumi/pretending that sumire was the one who died and everyone believed her? so it did manage to genuinely get me when i fucking realised that EVERYONE ELSE has been calling her yoshizawa-san the whole time...fuck

#talking #under the cut for spoilers even tho everyone but me played this game already i'm p sure

[lottiecrabie]

Let's discuss families 🙏🏻

On Matty's side, his parents would love girlie cus she's really nice, my girl is educated, obvs has good grades in school and most important brings the best of his emo teen and she loves him. I'd like to think that Matty has a decent to good relationship with his parents, I feel like he'd ask for advice if he feels like something it's not going well in his relationship with girlie

On girlie's side, that household feels like living hell, no wonder why girlie has mommy issues😭 I feel like she's close to his father, maybe she has enough trust to talk to her dad about certain things, like relationships at her age and she has a little interest outside of church an blabla, maybe it's a secret between both. I feel like he's more chill than his wife. On the other side, her mom freaks out easily and has zero chill, she'd be like 'i just want the best to my girl, that's why I'm very strict w/her's but this restrictions only work to turn your kid into 'the black sheep' of the family. She'd have a heart attack if my girl is dating someone outside of church (Matty) and would take her to the confessionary every week😭

This little rant was linger than I expected 😫

i think matty has a decent relationship with his family that is a bit more strained rn as he’s deep in his teen angst. it’s pretty normal for teenagers to distance themselves from their family and go through the whole no one understands me😫😫 phase and, on top of that, i think he’d resent being moved to the us, meaning he’s not on the best terms with them at the very moment. although, there is genuine love between them and he knows they’re there for him if he needs it.

i don’t think he would talk to them much about his personal life. when reader and him officially start dating, she would make sure to present herself officially to his parents (and not just be the girl that’s sneaking out of his room in the early morning😭) and that’s the only reason they know he’s seeing someone. they would 100% love her bc she’s, as you said, sort of this ‘perfect’ good girl they Never expected matty to go for, but also because she mellows out his most intense personality traits, mainly his ‘fuck everyone nothing matters’ teen angst. and she genuinely seems to make him happy. his parents would Love telling all sorts of embarrassing stories about him to her.

on her side, it’s obviously completely different. i’ve made it pretty clear that she has mommy issues as her mother is a very domineering, controlling woman. she’s a nagger who’s obsessed with apparences and constantly nitpicks at reader’s every doing. i think her dad is just as strict but in much more quiet, sober way. he’s very much an enabler. i tried to mimic the stereotypical family dynamics were the dad is barely involved and only comes in to have the last word, generally agreeing with whatever the wife said. ofc, it’s hard to show family dynamics when most of the fic is straight porn so i’m very aware it doesn’t much show! the one moment i managed to sneak in is when the mother says she doesn’t where reader’s dirtiness came from and he basically just answers ‘not me!’ (it’s interesting to me to learn how you see her father bc while writing pfms3 i was like…. damn did i make him too nice.. i really didn’t want to blame all the family issues on her mother)

anyway they would obviously pop a blood vessel and faint when they find out she’s dating matty. like he’s Everything they’re against and don’t want for her. it would create many many fights inside the house (obviously always keeping this smiling, mindlessly happy front outside). just screaming at her to break up, that he’s no good, that they’re Not allowing her to date, that she’s grounded, that they’re immensely disappointed in her, that it’s not the little girl they raised, etc etc. they would rly try to break them up and get even More appalled when, bc of their even stricter rules, reader starts sneaking around and doing more forbidden things (ie. drinking, smoking, partying, etc.) i see reader as absolutely Not backing down, even going as far as refusing to go to church if they don’t stop threatening her. it’s an extremely messy, imploding family affair. you know the whoooole town is whispering about it behind their back

i think the conflict would get resolved by her straight up just moving out for college. they can’t control her from a distance and the longer matty sticks around, the more they’re forced to accept he will just Be There and he’s a permanent fixture. they slowly chill even though they Never fully warm up to him and always have some clear disdain, no matter how long they’ve been together or how successful he is. they know how to hold a grudge!

#girlie will forever have family issues unfortunately for my girl:/ #pray for my soul #ask

[wikiangela]

time for Lone star 4x01!

spoilers under the cut!

(some episode thoughts that got too long lmao)

aww I missed them so much

I agree with Paul, olives do ruin everything (like, fr, every single time there are olives I try one as if suddenly they tasted better, and every single time I wanna throw up lmao)

they're looking for wedding venues aaa I can't wait haha

not to be that bitch, but... oh my god Rob Lowe looks so good, the hair looks fantastic (like oh my god his hair 😍), and on a motorcycle?? wow, Owen has never been so hot 🥵

loving Carlos hanging out with his mama, and tbh this season all I want is to learn more about Carlos and his life outside of TK and the 126 (like, I've been wondering since at least s2 - does he have any friends outside of the 126, or Michelle in s1? like, does he hang out with his work colleagues, anyone else? what did he do before everyone moved there, aside from hanging with Michelle?? 😂 give me something 😂)

and here's Carlos!! the man I've been dying to see a whole 6 minutes since the episode started lol they could give him every single second of screen time and I'd be loving it tbh

tell TK what?? I'm so nervous lol but it can't be that bad if Andrea knows and isn't freaking out right? 😂

GRACE!!!! 😍 😍 😍 I got so excited when I saw her I heard and saw her I had to pause lmao - I missed her so much 😍

raining frogs... what the fuck is happening 😂

what in the apocalypse is this episode 😂

Carlos being married to Iris... I guess it might be an interesting storyline? not sure I like it though, and it doesn't make much sense in the context of s1, at least as far as I can remember 😂 (it kinda feels like they wanted drama for the sake of drama but weren't sure what to do with tarlos bc they can't break them up again, so they were like, fuck it, it doesn't have to make any sense) but whatever, let's look past this 😂

the frog in the throat is making me so uncomfortable I can't 😩🤢

well, I guess I'm happy that TK isn't mad or anything 😂 still, this came out of nowhere and it kinda doesn't fit to what we know - then again, we don't know much about Carlos🤷🏻‍♀️

that dude in the porta potty had some serious bad luck lmao on top of everything to land squarely in the tank of water lol

pls tell me that this season continues s3's Owen being just hilarious 😂 because I really enjoyed him last season, and I can't stop laughing at him now 😂 (also, he just looks so good? I'm sure it's the hair, something's changed idk 😂)

Carlos in that shirt with the necklace hanging out - oh my good he looks hot 🥵 that color looks so good on him fr 🥵🥵🔥

am i sensing something brewing between Tommy and Amenadiel from Lucifer? 👀😂 does that mean he's gonna stay? I kinda figured he wouldn't be a one off character when I recognized him tbh 😂

Iris looks so familiar and I'm not sure if I've seen this actress before or if she just looks similar to someone

not sure how I feel about her character yet, imma need more time to get to know her

what the fuck has Owen gotten himself into 😂 jfc that was..... lmao

so Catherine's gone? 😭 nooo, I love Amy Acker, I hoped she'd be back 😭

FBI?? now that's interesting - and where do I know this chick from??

sooooo, was that 1 tarlos scene supposed to be the "new fan favorite" like Ronen said? I'm kinda underwhelmed ngl😂

It was a great first episode, the calls really were something, and the personal drama is delicious though also confusing, I'm still not sure if I like the whole Iris storyline (not bc of tarlos, obvi, just in general it doesn't seem.... good? idk, maybe they hyped up the secret too much or smth but it's kinda meh - I've been waiting for more Carlos and his backstory since s1 so I'm kinda disappointed rn) can't wait for the wedding tho!

I hope Tommy will actually find love and happiness, and I wonder how this whole pastor thing will unfold

the most intriguing thing is probably Owen's thing right now and so far I'm not even mad 😂

well, those are my thoughts as I was watching, can't wait for the next one!

#911 lone star #911 ls #911 lone star spoilers #911 ls spoilers #911 ls season 4 #911 ls 4x01 #thoughts while watching #bucky barnes #long post

[caricature-of-a-witch]

sooo apologies for being on your dash yet again but i went to sleep past 6am and woke up before 10 and i'm out of fucks but

love that i got home safe yesterday and all but i need an explanation

i have this soap dispenser thingy? it came with the flat idk i never use it bc i don't use liquid soap mostly so it goes ignored (i might remove it but it's screwed into the wall so i gotta figure that out first and will need a tiny screwdriver) but when i got home the top part/lid was unscrewed and lying in my sink

i did not do that before i left bc why tf would i

i had not given anyone a key for my flat and no one would have had a reason to do that even if i had

it does not strike me as something that just. happens?? on its own?

as far as i could tell last night (morning) nothing else was weird or missing or anything (i haven't checked in detail yet i'm still in bed) (i did paranoidly check everything including my closet for intruders lol) so that's good but

anyone got a plausible explanation or sth bc i am a little freaked out

#Ash's ramblings

[harryconcepts]

part 41

i think this verison of harry we're talking about would definitely get in a physical fight with your boyfriend 😌 for sure not when you're around, but some time he's at a bar with some friends and he sees your bf there with his buddies, and harry is annoyed but ignoring it for now 😌 then your bf starts getting pretty drunk and taking loudly, and soon harry hears him start talking about you, saying some very disrespectful things, and he's not about to have that so he walks right over and punches him in the face 😌 no warning or yelling, maybe a little "hey!" to make the guy look at him and then he just whacks him 😌 and ofc harry is beefy and he boxes for fun so his punches hurt, and the guy is leaned over groaning about how much it hurts and his friends are looking ready to come after Harry but he just straightens his coat and leaves the bar 😌 he comes straight to your place, wanting to be the first one to tell you what happened so your bf won't lie to you, and honestly you're only a little mad at him but you completely believe him when he explains himself 😌 you let him in and get some ice for his hand, and an hour or so later your bf starts banging on your door and yelling for you, still clearly a little drunk, so you sigh and get up to tell him to leave, but Harry just shakes his head and says "let me deal with him" so you sit back down and let him 😌 Harry opens the door and your bf is immediately pissed saying "why are you here? why are you everywhere? can you leave my girlfriend alone for one fucking minute? she doesn't want you here! get the fuck out, she deserves to hear what happened tonight from someone who won't just lie" and harry just listens with the most condescending look on his face, he glances back at you and says "that true babe? you want me to leave?" and you shake your head, making eye contact with your bf as you say "no, I want him to stay" and Harry's so smug, turning back and saying "well, you heard it straight from her, so I think it's time you head out now" and slams the door before he can get another word in 😌

thinking about being in a movie with harry 😌 and how if you had a kissing scene with him he would definitely mess up a few times so you have to redo it 😌 and constantly ask if you want to come practice in his trailer 😌

then later you're laying in bed together and he starts to move to lay between your thighs, and you're all "what are you up to?" an he says "just returning the favor from earlier 😌" and you say "nooo harry that was me saying thank you" and he just flips you over and says "yeah that's not how this works" and pulls your shorts off 😌

anon literally shut the fuck up he would always be touching your nipples to make them hard then saying "well hello there girls 😌" and you would be like 🙄 leave me alone you freak 🙄 but he just says "what? they're clearly happy to see me 😌" and you're like "YOU DID THIS TO ME🙄" even tho you both know you enjoy it when he's a pest 😌

harry taking care of you when you're sleepy 😔 he starts to pull away to get out of bed, and you whine and grip onto his shirt but he just shushes you and says "I'm just gonna go fill your water bottle for you baby, I'll be right back" and then he tucks the covers around you so you'll be warm 😔 while he's in the kitchen he turns the thermostat down a few degrees just the way he knows you like 😔 and he grabs a granola bar bc he knows sometimes you wake up looking for a snack 😔 he comes back up and gets everything settled on your bedside table, making sure your phone is plugged in and everything around the room is all set 😔 then he climbs back in bed, pulling you to lay on top of him and kissing your forehead 😔

having a threesome with harry and one of his girl friends 😌 he's talking to you beforehand and says "now she's a little nervous, so I might be giving her some directions, okay? but you don't have to worry about anything, we're both here and we both just want to make you feel good" and then that's all they do the whole time, he's telling her exactly how to please you and all the things you like 😌 he's sitting behind you so you can lean back on him while she goes down on you, and he kisses your neck and gives her instructions while she works 😌

i feel like harry gets extra filthy in hotels idk ... being surrounded by luxury and there's just something about hotel beds that are an aphrodisiac 😋 so yes I will be staying with him during the residencies and if my p*ssy gets destroyed I will say thank you king I love you king 🫶🏻

harry with his anxious girl 😔 he's always reassuring you that he really loves you, that he's all yours and he's not going anywhere 😔 pulling your fingers apart when you start picking at them and lifting them to his mouth to kiss them 😔 giving you a long hug bc he read that deep pressure can help calm you down 😔and he has no problem sitting up with you at night, listening to you talk about whatever you need to get off your chest 😔always reminding you that you're safe with him and he just wants to help his girl feel better 😔

when you first start dating plugrry and decide to go down on him for the first time 😋 he's all "baby- what are you doing?" and you're on your knees, fiddling with his belt as you look up at him and say "paying you back for all the free weed" and he's trying so hard to keep it together as you're touching him lightly 😋 he says "you don't- fuck, baby, you don't have to pay me back, you know that" and you say "i know, but i still want to" and work his shorts down his hips 😋 but then he would get serious, grabbing your wrist and squeezing just enough to make you look up at him, and when you do his face is a bit stern when he says "need you to tell me you understand that you don't owe me anything, and you don't have to do anything like this if you don't want to, okay?" not letting you break eye contact, and you nod right away saying "I know, it's not like that... you just always make me feel so good and I want to make you feel good too" and he holds your stare for a few seconds, making sure you're sure, before he lets go of your hand and lets out a little moan when you get back to work 😋 he tips his head back and runs his fingers through your hair, saying "such a good fucking girl" 😋

the first time you have sex with Harry would be so desperate and fast, but not bc of him 😋 you're on his lap kissing on him and rocking against his hips bc you're so needy, he keeps holding your sides and trying to slow you down, moaning every few seconds and saying "baby- baby we can, we can go slow, I wanna take my time with you" and you whine, giving him a particularly deep grind and saying "we can go slow later, right now i just need you" and he's thinking you're probably pretty close already from how tense and whiny you are, and he's not about to deny his girl that pleasure 😋 so he grips your hips and pushes you down against him a little harder, making you gasp and bury your head in his shoulder 😋 he whispers "come on then, cum on my thigh like this, then I'll take my time with you" 😋

you've been kissing for a while and you're both soooo worked up and then he realizes he doesn't have any condoms and he's all "I can have my assistant go grab some it's not that big of a deal" and you're like noooo way that's so embarrassing and he says "it's really not babe he's bought worse stuff for me" and you're just like 🫣ok fine🫣 so he sends the text that is definitely very long and very polite bc he knows it's awkward even if he was trying to play it off so you wouldn't feel bad and then he throws his phone down to look at you and says "now we wait 😌" and starts crawling towards you again 😌you nod, raising your eyebrows as he gets closer and saying "and you think you're patient enough to wait?" and he just says "I can think of lots of ways to distract myself" and starts pulling your shorts off 😌

harry speaking Italian to you 🤭 he definitely does it when he's in the ~mood~ and wants to initiate things so he comes up behind you and wraps his arms around you, then leans in close to your ear and starts whispering 🤭 he probs says how beautiful you are and just a bunch of sweet nothings, and you don't know what it means you just know it sounds good coming from his lips 🤭 you lean back against him and sigh softly when he starts kissing your ear and then down your jaw and neck 🤭 you say "what did you say?" and you can feel him smile against his skin when he says "come upstairs with me and I'll tell you" 🤭

harry finding out you like to be pinned down 😌 he has a suspicion but he's not sure, and he wants to hear you say it 😌 so then one day when you're kissing and getting a little ~frisky~ he refuses to follow your nonverbal cues, acting absolutely clueless when you huff in frustration and pull at his shirt 😌 he keeps his hands right where they are, resting gently on your sides, and he doesn't move at all to be on top of you like he normally would 😌 you keep making frustrated little noises until finally you turn your head to break the kiss, and he's acting all confused saying "what's the matter baby?" and you're all huffy and saying "will you just- just- you KNOW what I want why are you being so mean" and he's all "😟 what are you talking about I have no idea what you want" and you roll your eyes saying "i want you to MOVE" and he says "move how?" and you say "you KNOW how" and he just keeps acting like he doesn't know what you mean, but you can see the start of his evil little smirk and you know he's doing this on purpose 😌 nd you also know he'll hold out on you for as long as he feels like, so finally you say "i like it when you're on top of me" and he's all "ooooh you do? is that all? could have said that, you know I'd be more than happy to help you out with that baby 😌" and you just roll your eyes bc now you're a bit grumpy, but he crawls over to be on top of you just now you wanted 😌 he gets back to kissing you, but his hands are still maddeningly gentle and light on your sides even though he knows exactly what you want, and you lay your own hands above your head hoping he'll take the hint and pin them down like he usually does but he's still being a menace 😌 you wiggle your fingers a bit to get his attention,but he totally ignores you 😌 then you reach down to grab his hand, but he just hums softly and doesn't let you lift it off your hip 😌 finally you let out an UGH and turn your head again, and he acts all 😟 like before until you say "will you just pin my arms down? you know exactly what i like so why are you being such a dick about it" and he says "I'm not, you just have to ask NICELY and I'll give you anything you want" and you huff, but he's clearly not going to do anything until you obey so you take a deep breath and say "will you PLEASE hold my arms down" and he smiles, reaching up with one of his hands and grabbing your wrists together, pinning you down just like you wanted 😌 then he says "such a needy thing, you just love to be kept in place hm?" and you fight against his hold a little, but he only tightens his grip knowing that's exactly what you want him to do 😌 then he kisses you again, and he has to admit he's a bit obsessed with how much more squirmy you are and how you make so many pretty noises when he's holding you like this 😌

thinking about how plugrry is the most down for a little makeout sesh literally always 😋 you'd expect him to be not so ... soft but he's just so obsessed with kissing you 😋 he love love loves to have you in his lap, his hands on your hips helping you veeery slowly grind on him while his lips are on yours 😋 and when you try to move too fast he holds tighter and slow you down, bc he likes the teasing feeling of it 😋 even when you're not in the mood to go slow, he is 😋 listening to all your little whines and whimpers when you get needy, but he doesn't take that as a sign that it's time to move faster he just wants to swallow all your pretty noises to he only teases you for longer 😋

harry would use his fingers to spread you open so he can look at how wet you are for him 🤕 he would be going crazy at the little wet sound he hears when he does it, and how you're twitching and clenching around nothing bc you're so turned on 🤕

telling bsf Harry guys never make you cum and he says "you could let me help you out with that😌" in a teasing way and you just say "...would you?" and he's dropping whatever's in his hands and scrambling to pull you to his bedroom 😌

when you wear crop tops he's all "ohhhhh hello there 😌😌😌" and coming over to put his hands on you 😌 and his hands are so big they would be allll over your skin 😋 he rubs his thumbs in tiny little circles and says "i think I like this 😌" and he would not be able to keep his hands off you 😋 and when you wear a short shirt he would immediately be turned on and pulling you over to the couch 😋 he sits and starts pulling you onto his lap and you're all "haaarry I have things to do today" and he says "those things can wait, you need to kiss me for a bit first 😌"

im actually so afraid of harry bc he loves to please women so much 🤕 he love love loves making you cum, he'll do it as many times as you want he doesn't care 🤕 he would lay between your legs for hours if you let him, getting totally caught up in you and the way you taste and smell 🤕 he can be soft and sweet when the mood calls for it, being all nice and gentle and lovey, or he can be absolutely filthy when that's what you want 🤕 calling you names and slapping your thigh and edging you 🤕 eating you out is truly his favorite hobby he just loves having your slick on his face, dripping down his chin 🤕

so anyways 😌 thinking about jack being so mean and filthy when he's mad 🤕 edging you and threatening to tie you down if you don't stop squirming around, you say "no- i don't want that- I'm trying it just-" only to cut yourself off with a moan when he slips his fingers inside 🤕 and he's so mean, saying "it just what baby?" while his fingers keep working, and you're clearly having a hard time replying with his fingers on your g-spot like that so he slows them to a stop but doesn't pull them out and says "use your words" in a stern voice 🤕 you whine "it just feels good" and try to buck your hips up, but he pulls his fingers out right away and gives you a smack between the legs 🤕 you gasp sharply bc he's never done that before and it hurts but also you're a little 😵‍💫 from the feeling 🤕 he sees how that makes you clench around nothing and laughs, saying "oh yeah? my pretty little slut likes it when I hurt her?" and you would never know peace again 🤕

being really good friends with plugrry but you're not really dating, then one time you buy weed from someone else and Harry finds out and he's acting all fake offended just to tease you, but he laughs and says "I'm just playing with you, but you should only be buying from me, you know I'll give you the pretty girl discount😌" and you laugh and say "yeah i think he ripped me off" and he looks a bit confused asking how much the other guy charged, and when you tell him he looks sooo pissed off 😌 he says "that's not overcharging, that's straight up stealing from you" and you just shrug saying "it's not that big of a deal, I'll just buy from you from now on" and he nods, pulling you in for a cuddle while he starts the TV 😌 but he doesn't stop thinking about that, and then the next time you come over he's handing you a big wad of cash and you're all confused, but he says "paid a little visit to your dealer" and you're like "😧no way Harry what did you do" and he just smirks saying "didn't do anything, just had a little talk with him about how pretty girls should be treated" and he's pressing the money into your hand 😌 and maybe the next time you see that guy he has a little bit of a black eye but maybe you just look the other way and don't mention it 😌

when harry's feeling really mean he makes you edge yourself while he watches 🤕telling you that you'd better be a good girl and pull away before you cum, or you won't like what he does 🤕 then after a few rounds of him laughing at you while you whine, you just decide to make yourself cum and deal with whatever he decides to do 🤕 but he's watching too closely, and the second he sees you fall over the edge he yanks your hand away to ruin it 🤕 you're so upset, shaking and begging for him to just let you feel it but he says "such a fucking slut, you couldn't even follow the one rule i gave you?" being so mean 🤕 then he says "you wanna cum so bad? fine, I'll make you cum" and he reaches back down between your legs, ignoring the way you nearly scream bc you're so sensitive, and he makes you cum over and over until you're really crying 🤕

when Harry eats you out he fully sucks on you 🤕 and not just your clit but your whole pussy, he's so content making a mess down there 🤕 closing his lips around the whole area and sucking, trying to get as much of your honey in his mouth as possible 🤕 moaning about how good you taste and digging his face deeper in so his nose brushes against your clit 🤕 holding you open with his thumbs so he can really get in there 🤕 blowing on you a little bit to hear you gasp, and then he murmurs "I'm sorry, baby" and sucks on you to warm you up again 🤕 and the whole time you can hear the filthiest noises, you're so wet you can hear it every time he moves 🤕

i fear harry is constantly overstimulating you and making you cry bc he just loves to hear you whine 🤕 probably licking the tears off your face when you really start crying 🤕

harry for sure calls you a spoiled brat 😮‍💨 when you're being needy or whining to get what you want he clicks his tongue and says "you're so fucking spoiled, baby, can't even wait more than a few minutes?" and you shake your head, pouting and saying "I'm not spoiled, I just want-" and he cuts you off to say "you want so many things, and I'm always giving them to you... maybe I need to stop being so nice to my bratty girl" just being so mean bc he knows it gets you off 😮‍💨

when Harry wants to finger you he makes you take his rings off for him 😵‍💫 he holds out his hands and looks at you expectantly until you shakily start to remove them, when you start to move a little too fast he tsks and gives you a stern look as if to say "be gentle" until you have them all off 😵‍💫

sorry but I'm into misogynisticrry and controllingrry 🫡 always telling you stuff like "sweet girl, need you to stop thinking so much, you're going to confuse yourself" and "just let me make you cum baby, it's what you need" and when you're squirming around too much while he's going down on you he lifts his head to say "if you don't hold still I'll have to tie you down, is that what you want? it's not what I want, I want to be sweet to my girl, but if you keep being naughty I won't have a choice" always acting like he knows what's best for you and shit 🫡 overstimulating you bc "it's good for you baby, I know it hurts your pretty little pussy but you'll feel better if you just cum one more time" 🫡🫡🫡

stop he literally would 🥵 he would pull away every time you break eye contact, even just closing your eyes bc it's so overwhelming he pulls his fingers out or stops licking you and gives you a little slap on your thigh saying "you know better, keep your eyes on me or you won't be cumming tonight" 🥵

being a little thicker and being a brat to piss harry off, he says "stop being such a fucking brat or you won't like what happens" and you're all "yeah? what are you gonna do?" and he just picks you right up and throws you over his shoulder 😌 you weren't expecting that, since he's never done that before, but he doesn't seem at all fazed he just smacks your ass and carries you to the bedroom 😌

#harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles/reader #harry styles/you #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles

[chronicals-of-top-surgery]

14 days post OP 6/9/22

I accidentally deleted my post while adjusting my ace wrap so that's great. Anyways, I've been getting some twinges of pain but I'm not sure if it's just the ace wrap rolling and pressing on the scars, if I'm being rough in the night, or if I'm twisting too much but I'm trying really hard to be gentle, still, and to just rest. The only problem is that I'm fucking BORED. Good GRIEF I'm bored.

I don't have a good, comfortable place to set up my laptop to draw but even if I did, I'm so used to half my day being taken up by working that I just don't know what to do with all this time on my hands. I probably wouldn't be so restless if not for the fact my sister and my mom are going crazy doing tons of stuff. My sister is moving out and because she's moving and my mom doesn't want to live in Florida (sis is moving out of state) so she's selling the house and so everything is in total disarray. My sis is taking the fuckin dining room table so we don't have anywhere to sit except the couches that are all pushed up against each other so the walls can be painted. The house is a giant mess and not the greatest to live in right now.

So they're being busy bees prepping to move and sell and do a bunch of stuff and I'm just standing over here like :| I'm healing.

It's frustrating but I've got a place to kinda set up shop to draw so that'll keep me busier, but I know I won't be able to tune in very comfortably without my own private space, but it's not like I have a desk bc nothing is furnished rn because all the furniture has either been sold or packed up to move.

Either way, on the healing front, I'm doing well. The only discomfort comes from my scars itching and the ace wrap. My scars have HELLA bruising around them which is good! It means everything is settling into place and healing well. Everything is doing ok for now, knock on wood.

My left side is way more swollen than my right and it's been freaking me out because I'm worried that like idk, to me it looks like puffy and weird and I'm paranoid that he didn't get all of the breast tissue out. I'm sure it's just swelling and bruising but that thought nags me. Idk I guess only time will tell.

Either way, I still really wanna sleep on my side and my friend who's been answering a lot of my questions and concerns because he also recently got top surgery told me he was fine laying on his side after he got his drains out but idk. I'm still worried and I'm fussing over everything to make sure I heal perfectly. Better to fuss too much and heal well than to not be concerned enough and heal badly. I'll try to sleep on my side but if it isn't comfortable or doesn't feel right, I'll just keep sucking it up and sleeping on my back.

I can't wait to get a massage and get the stiffness all worked out though

[sureuncertainty]

today has been a Day and it's literally only 12pm

(tw for vomit mention below for any fellow emetophobes that follow me i'm gonna talk in detail about what happened bc I need to get it out somewhere so please be careful but i'll put it under a read more too)

Basically my Worst Trigger happened today (aside from me being sick myself), a guest was violently sick in front of me, and not even like. directly in front of me and thank god not on me, and i also did have warning so I was able to step away, and not be like. completely blindsided by it. but i thought I could handle it, and so I did not, as I should have completely removed myself from the situation. so.

but i did see it. and hear it. and it was a lot. like oh my god. and like listen, i literally cleaned up vomit when I was custodial and that was fine, but it's really the actively watching it happen and hearing it happen that set me over the fucking edge

and ofc i'm around my coworkers so i have to act normal, and I was like hm, i should probably leave the area (and i'm having this through process literally AS the guest is actively vomiting again and again) but then i'm like nah everything is fine my emet is better now so i'll just process it later. and the guest just. kept throwing up. and i kept hearing it. even if i wasn't seeing it. but i couldn't stop from looking at it a few times and i did see it i saw a lot of it and now it's permanently imprinted in my brain but ANYWAY

i finally was like okay i literally cant be here, and left the area, to run into a custodian which was really fucking lucky so I told him about it and i maintained my composure here, i was like cool i'm fine everything is fine and then I ran into another coworker who could obviously kinda see what was going on. and i was like hi yes i can't be around that. and she was like yeah. valid. i don't like being around it either

and i'm like hahahaha yeah definitely that's definitely my thing it's definitely a normal thing and not a debilitating phobia that's affected me my entire life and i thought was getting better and i guess it is but today it went right back to Full On Panic mode bc my coworker (bless her) took me to the side and she could tell i was starting to freak out. and i'm trying to keep myself from freaking out, like it's fine, I'll freak out later, I can hold this in, it's fine. I tell her I have emetophobia. she starts to try to distract me, so she asks me about the tattoos on my arms, I start awkwardly telling her about Silence Agenda, but I can't think, I can't focus on anything I'm saying and then I don't really remember exactly what happened after that, since I definitely dissociated a little bit, but it was one of those panic attacks where I couldn't breathe and my entire face went completely numb, like, it was BAD. i haven't had one like that in a long long time.

thankfully my coworker was really good and helped me kinda breathe through it, and she clearly had experience with this kind of thing, and a coordinator showed up (bc of the guest issue, which ofc made me feel even worse bc wow now you gotta go comfort the cast member who's having a panic attack bc of an already bad situation that you also have to deal with)

and overall the entire thing was mega embarrassing, and no one made me feel bad about it, but I kept (and still keep) thinking about how i should be fine with this i'm supposed to be okay, I work at a theme park and i used to work in custodial and it NEVER affected me like this before, even though this was obviously a different situation, and everyone else was fine, like they were grossed out but able to keep doing their jobs, and I was the one who fucking lost it and so there's that whole level of shittiness on top of the regular shittiness of being in a triggering situation at work

so yeah. i'm not doing well. i ended up coming home early and i'm supposed to go to a concert tonight and probably will but i was already anxious about it and now i'm just like. wow. i'm so pathetic. anyway. thanks for reading if you read thru this

#win rambles #emetophobia #vomit tw #vomit mention #vent post #yeah so i thought it was getting better but this felt like a pretty big fucking setback #thanks for reading if you do read this i appreciate it #i just needed to vent #i know it's long i'm sorry #but i needed to get this out #man it's been a long time since i've made an emet related vent post on here... used to be all the time #i HAVE made progress in recent years i do know that. and i know this doesn't erase it. it just feels. awful.