#also im screaming they were really like 'i dont think of you as my ex. and i still want to have sex with you

[iron-sides]

actually this does deserve its own post. marvin trina and whizzer in the first half of act 1 are if not actually in terms of how they view each other then functionally in terms of the actual mechanics and actions of their relationships a unhealthy fucking polycule which of part of why marvin is acting like trina just dumped him. bc in his mind they were still together even tho he literally divorced her

#my thots #lol can u tell its 2:40 am and i havent slept #anyway even during the baseball game the whole #is he still queer? idk! AM I trina? i dont know. does it really matter? #interaction screams we were a triad. also the whole isnt this what every mother wants at a little league game her ex husbands ex lover? #YOU JUST SAW UR EX AND FEEL AWKWARD ABT IT #and the fact that whizzer is jasons dad and in act 1 before trina gets married theyre parenting him as a group..... #like i dont think trina and whizzer are romantically involved or for that matter trina and marvin outside of marvins head #and we know shes not getting laid bc she tells us that #but i do think there was some queerness to that relationship #dont ask me to elaborate bc i cant but i know deep within my heart that im right #polycule is the best word i can think of but its rlly just a rlly complicated relationship tangle considering theres only three of them #bc marvins dating and fucking whizzer and married the trina #but trinas NOT married to marvin (or getting any) and she and whizzer arent dating or anything theyre just coparenting? and shes also #coparenting with marvin #but thats such a Partnership and combined with how marvin totally still acts like theyre married except for they arent fucking anymore #that its def a bit confused #just bc of marvin being weird #like if marv wasnt there i think trina and whizzer could coparent jason purely platonically but since he IS and HE thinks hes involved with #BOTH of them #and he tends to bulldoze over both of them too..... it messy for SURE #anyway #maybe im just queer and like messy complex #relationships #but! im just sayin

[mangosrar]

call it what you want pt2

matt sturniolo x fem reader.

pt1

"i mean come on y/n, its a perfect chance for you to get back at your parents and a perfect chance for matt to get back at jess, how could you say no" nick stated.

"fuck no, jess can eat shit, and besides, id rather die lonely than have to ever be close to that loser" you replied, walking into the kitchen, with matt, nick and now chris who had walked in on you and matt screaming at each other just a few minutes before.

"shes right matt jess can eat shit" chris added, causing matt to glare at him and roll his eyes.

jess was matts bitchy, stuck up, brat of a girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend of 4 months. they had broken up about a month ago when she came to matt and told him she wasnt in the right place for a boyfriend, then posted a photo of her kissing jason atkins on her Instagram story. you honestly found the whole thing hilarious; she was some blonde bimbo who thought the sun shone out of her ass, and matt was the complete opposite, he was grumpy and dark, but someone how they ended up together.

"y/n your childish side is showing, i mean please do not fucking flatter yourself, i would rather gouge my own eyeballs out than have anyone think im with you, but i want my girlfriend back, i miss her" matt said, running a hand through his hair, leaning against the counter opposite you.

"aw are you gonna cry matty?" you mocked with a fake sad expression.

"y/n" nick said flatly. "you need this, come on" he continued.

you sighed, trying to really think this out. nick was right, but you also werent sure he would be so happy with this whole situation by the time you murdered his brother. there was a pause for a moment, all three of them staring at you, waiting for you to give in before you spoke up.

"how would it even work?" you asked.

"we post together, tell people were together, go to parties and shit with each other but in private i wanna stay as far away from your annoying ass as i can." matt said shrugging his shoulders while looking at you.

"what about school dumbass?" chris added.

"the same i guess, but dont be all up on me in the hallways i dont wanna be that annoying couple" matt grimaced.

"you and jess were that annoying couple, always making out in front of everyone and shit its gross, so just make sure you swap saliva in private" nick said, jabbing his hand out in front of him as he spoke to get his point across.

"this conversation is giving me literal back ache, im dipping, just figure it out and dont kill each other while you're at it." chris sighed, standing up and walking away.

"me too, just...no mean words towards each other, you're dating now remember" nick pleaded.

"no promises" matt muttered, watching nick walk out of the room, leaving you and matt in awkward silence.

neither of you really wanted to do this, but it was ideal, it was just annoying that you had to be so fucking rude and stubborn and attractive and smell so good. and it was infuriating that matt had to be so mean and punchable, and so sexy with a face that was so sittable. the two of you really couldnt resist stand eachother.

neither of you wanted to make eye contact, both just looking around before you broke the silence.

"do you really wanna do this?" you asked.

"no but its my only option" matt replied, still staring at you, sitting on the counter, from his position, leaning on the opposite side.

"so were really doing this?" you stated.

"i guess we are" he whispered, looking down at his feet.

"no kissing or anything though" you squinted at him. matt just hung his head and laughed before pushing himself off the counter and sauntering towards you, stopping when your knees met his stomach.

matt placed his hands on the counter, next to each one of your thighs and leaned his face closer to yours, making you suck in a breath from the closeness. "why baby? scared you'll like it?"

you couldnt deny the insatiable heat that was now blooming between your legs, he smelt so goo, his eyes looked hungry and the heat radiating off of his body onto yours made you dizzy. you swallowed thickly, desperately trying to regain your composure. there was no way in hell that he was going to get you that easily.

"i dont know where that mouth has been baby" you replied with a sickly-sweet smile, before pushing him back by his shoulders and hopping off the counter, making quick progress out of the kitchen and as far away from him as possible.

you heard him chuckle before he shouted.

"see you on Monday girlfriend" you could hear the smirk in his voice, and it only made you wanna turn around and slap the shit out of him more, but you just rolled your eyes and continued your decent from the kitchen.

god this was going to be torture.

——————————————————————————

taglist: @christinarowie332 @biimpanicking @chrisenthusiast @st4rswrld @mattslolita @flowerxbunnie @lovingsturniolo @its-jennarose @ermdontmindthisaccount @secret-sturniolo @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @justaslvttygirl @urfavstromboli @recklesssturniolo @delimeats-000 @gloomymatt @gwenlore @nickdevora @sturnioloenthusiast @savageking3 @iloveneilperry @ifilwtmfc @savageking3 @iammattsturniolo @sturniolos4lifee @honestlybabymiracle

#mango talks #nick sturniolo #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo x you #chris sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo imagine #matt sturniolo x you #call it what you want #matt sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo smut #my stuff #s #fanfic #sturniolo edit #christopher owen sturniolo #chris sturniolo blurb #chris sturniolo oneshot #chris sturniolo smut #chris sturniolo imagine #jesus christ #original character

[crysta1ized]

a scream/dff parallel theory on who’s behind the mask

this theory is just for fun, as in ‘what if dff followed the scream killer pattern perfectly’

this is based on the theory that there’s at least one masked killer (if not more), who’s not an hallucination.

if there’s something the scream franchise taught me, it’s that it’s always someone you know behind the mask.

and by ‘someone you know’ i mean,

someone the characters are all familiar with.

someone that’s currently alive and is known to be so.

someone that’s apart of the friend group or linked/ related to one of them.

obviously, mr keng is now out of the question as he doesn’t tick all boxes; not all the characters are familiar with him (tan and phee know his face as they saw the video but never interacted with him and white never went to his tutoring school) and isn’t known to be alive.

non doesnt tick all boxes either. for him to be behind the mask, all the characters would have to know he’s alive and white doesn’t know him.

like in any scream movie, we reduced our options to only the people stuck in the house.

we’re also assuming that any of these boys may be putting on an act. we never know what side they’re on until we really know (ex: tan).

por, top, tee and fluke tick all the boxes but are out of the question as they’d never want to seek revenge for non.

jin, phee, tan and white are now the only options left.

1) jin is ambiguous. he parted ways with non in weird terms, as he was jealous he got with mr keng and ended up feeling really guilty about the video, though non probably never knew jin was responsible for it (though it’s still not confirmed that it was jin’s video).

-> what if jin helped non after that to redeem himself? what if he somehow helped him escape tee’s uncle and is now helping him take his revenge?

that would explain why when hallucinating he’s only seeing a bloody mr keng, maybe because he abandoned him and went to save only non from tee’s uncle?

with this theory, it’s believable that jin is secretly on non’s side and is one of the masked killer. but is his main goal to scare the boys or to harm them?

2) tan was the one who suggested going to por’s house for jin’s farewell party. he obviously came here to get answers by drugging them all.

but we also know he put the mask and costume on top after drugging him. maybe he did that so a masked killer could continue to follow them while tan was with them so he’d have an alibi. then, how could they ever suspect tan of being the masked killer if tan was with them when they were attacked?

he could’ve chosen to wear the costume simply to scare them more while they were tripping so they’d spill the beans faster. but wether he’s behind the mask or not, seeing that smirk we all know he’s gonna speed up the process.

3) phee is also a good candidate. he could've crafted a plan complementary to tan's, to scare the boys into revealing everything. however his whole behavior makes me doubt this a bit. he could be acting but really doesn't seem that into whatever tan wanted this trip to be.

4) white seems to be out the question since he seems to know nothing about non but im keeping my eye on him bc im sure there’s so much abt him we dont know yet.

i believe there's more than one of them behind the mask, though i agree some of the appearances must have been hallucinations. which makes me believe there must be an alliance between some of the boys.

the most probable are (ranked from most to least):

tan and white (?)

jin and white

tan and jin

phee and tan

phee and white

phee and jin

so, what do you think? who's behind all of this?

#dead friend forever #dff #dff theory #dff the series #dff ep 9 #dff new #dff phee #dff tan #dff white #dff por #dff non #dff top #dff spoilers #dff tee #dff jin #dff fluke #pheejin #non dff #lgbtqia #asian lgbtq dramas #thai bl

[luvinelysia]

(ex) lovers under arrest !

pairing: scaramouche x reader (smau + written)

genre: exes to lovers, fluff, filo

wc: 1.1k

notes: this was supposed to be a valentines special while also serving as a teaser for an upcoming smau im working on but uhm this didnt really fit into the smau's plotline. think of it as me testing the waters. although this isnt included in the new smau's plot, all the characters here are the same characters on that smau too. i didnt proofread this btw sawry..

the door opened which caught both of your attention. the door revealed tighnari and the rest of the student council. you knew what they were here for and you dreaded it.

tighnari quickly explained what was happening although you both already knew why you were here.

'bwisit talaga toh sila!! kapag ako makapaghinganti—' you thought as the council students put the handcuffs between you two. the indigo-haired boy groaned completely annoyed at the situation.

"ugh, i cant believe im wasting my time being handcuffed to someone like them..." scaramouche complained, making you annoyed. "grabe ka makapagsalita ha, akala mo kung sino ka?? ano ka ba, gold?" you retorted

"how noisy... di ka marunong mag shut up?" he complained again making you even more agitated than before. 'porket na pogi ka ganyanin mo ako?!?—' you wanted to say but kept it in your mind as to save your pride.

"remember, wag kayo makipag away. pwede nyo ipatanggal ang handcuffs pag lumipas na ang isang oras unless kung nagpaextend yung bumayad sa inyo." the stuco president— tighnari, reminded.

"sana pinahandcuff nyo naman ako sa lalaking maganda ang ugali" you insulted as he groaned "you talk a lot for someone whos much more unbearable" he surely didnt fail to irritate you. "i swear, kung malaman ko kung sino yung nagpahandcuff..." he mumbled something undearneath his breath but you didnt bother listening in. you were too preoccupied with your internal panicking.

the both of you left the booth and stood infront of the entrance for a while. you didnt know where to go since you'd have to basically drag the boy handcuffed to you to be able to enjoy the next hour.

after standing there like two idiots, scaramouche dragged you to walk around. "hoy! saan ka papunta?? nakalimutan mo ba na andito pa ako? sabihin mo muna san ka pupunta before you drag me around!"

scaramouche ignored your constant screaming as the people around gave you weird looks while some of them were awwing about how you two were handcuffed.

"yieee!!! may crush ka na pala scara?" you hear a ginger-haired boy shout in the background which you assumed to be scaramouche's friend. he ignored the ginger haired boy as the both of you walked towards a more secluded area.

he took you to the library (technically dragging you) as he opened the doors and stepped in. "i wanted to go to the library since its more quiet here" he seemed a lot more calm now unlike how he was earlier when he was constantly complaining. "i hope you dont mind me dragging you here. it was too loud for me out there" his change in attitude startled you. was this really the same scaramouche that yelled and complained earlier? perhaps he was just overwhelmed?

he walked over to the shelves to find a book to read which caused you to stumble since again, you were still handcuffed. he searches for a book that interests him until he finally picks up a book. he looked at you for a moment. "...baka gusto mo rin bumasa? it'd be awkward if you just stood there while i read.."

"no its fine... tutulog nalang ako dito" you said as he sat down on the floor leaning against the shelved, which caused you to stumble amd get dragged down on the floor.

"...bat ka umuupo dyan, eh may lamesa at upuan naman doon" you pointed at the tables and chairs lined up. "you said you wanted to sleep and it'd be uncomfortable for you to sleep if you sat down there" his gaze never leaving the book. "as if mas comfortable pa dito..." you mumbled as you sat down properly to make yourself more comfortable.

he gazed at the handcuffs as he grabbed your wrist to pull you closer to him which caused you to flinch. the close proximity startled you, painting your face and ears a bright red. you didnt know what to say, and as much as you try to deny you didnt want to move away either so you just sat there, with your head on his chest.

"..sorry" he finally spoke up. "i know how much you dont wanna talk about the past... but i just want you to know that i still love you" his sudden confession made you even redder than you are now.

"tumahimik ka nga.. ang corny mo" you tried to look anywhere but his gaze. he chuckled at your response. somethings just never change. "besides, antagal na noon. mas mabuti pa kung kalimutan nalang natin���"

"what if ayaw kita kalimutan?"

curse scaramouche and his way with words!! "tama na please baka mahuhulog ulit ako sayo" you said nonchalantly, which made him chuckle. "what if i wanted that?"

"i know you have a lot of questions and im willing to answer them" he let go of the book he was holding as he held your hand. "im sorry for leaving without saying anything or giving you a reason. i felt like you deserved someone better than me." he spoke as you listened intently

"i noticed how much you prioritized me over yourself. i realized how much time you wasted on me instead of pursuing whats best for you. i realized how much i didnt deserve you"

he kissed the top of your head which sent butterflies on your stomach. you were supposed to be mad at him damn it! not fall in love!

"i miss you, y/n. please give me another chance." his voice was soft. you could tell he was being genuine. and who are you to deny someone like him? after all, you arent exactly the strongest person out there.

'god, alam nyo naman hindi ako malakas, marupok lang ako'

"namiss talaga kita kuni." you started after a bit of silence from your side as his heart beat when you said his name. "sino ba naman ako para sumabi ng hindi. marupok lang naman ako"

he chuckles as he kissed the top of your head.

"alam mo ba? mahal talaga kita" he said as you groaned "yuck ang corny mo talaga... i love you too.." you mumbled the last part but it was loud enough for scaramouche to hear.

the both of you stayed in that position for a while until your one hour was finally over. if this was you one hour ago you might have been relieved to be finally be free from this pure evil named scaramouche but now, you cant help but want to extend it as to not let him go again.

you both walked back to the booth as tighnari and the others removed the handcuffs. your wrist felt a bit sore as you rubbed it.

"congrats on surviving an hour" tighnari joked as scaramouche simply glared at him. "pwede nyo rin mapahandcuff ang friends nyo"

"we dont really need—" scaramouche was cut off by you.

"actually meron ako gusto ipahandcuff" you said while mentally laughing about what might be thoma's reaction.

#scaramouche x reader #wanderer x reader #kunikuzushi x reader #genshin scaramouche #genshin wanderer #genshin kunikuzushi #scaramouche fluff #scaramouche imagines #wanderer fluff #wanderer imagines #kunikuzushi fluff #kunikuzushi imagines #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin #genshin x reader #eulie.txt

[cerealmonster15]

scuse me i gotta go be embarrassing under the cut brb 🚶

@cosmiccoincidence @felix-the-lemon-king well FUCK ok hi lol 👋

so like images from the engtwst translation that altered my brain forever:

so like. 🧍🙈 URGHGHHHG lol. felix u may have heard some of or all of this tangent before in the dms LOL but

my attempt at long story short: friend and i were into twst well before engtwst came out, so when we saw the official translation translated cater's "leona-kun" to "leona, sweetheart," we were like 🤨sweetheart?🤨🤨🤨 jkslajKLDJL like ik it's a casual thing meant here but. however. you see LOL

longer details: me being how i am as a person™, i let this fester in the back of my brain and it gradually grew out of control. i dont like. theyre not a pair i think of when i think of My Cater Ships. HOWEVER as i do with most leona potential ships(???) they read as exes to me here JSDLFG like. me with my soap opera lenses on [they are never off. sorry.] has me running wild w/this like leona/cater having A Thing of some undefined nature like maybe last year. tapping into cater's implied vibes of not always letting people get super close / used to kinda keeping things surface level and making the most of Being In The Moment and less concerned about making lasting ties bc hes used to stuff not lasting from his moving around etc etc whatever. like cater and leona starting off w/ a bond of just quietly being in each others space [i mean caters a chatterbox LOL im thinkin those rare moments where hes like mask off kinda lethargic or something. caycays such an interesting character w/a lotta mystery in that regard but i do NOT have time to get into that so just!!! bear with me LOL JFKLSDJF]

anyway i feel like i recycle the same plotlines with characters/ocs forever but thats just too bad: cater+ leona bonding somehow dont worry about it. idk leonas a spelldrive star and caters really good at flying so They Could Bond -> somehow falling into like a Casual Lowkey Relationship where theyre like 'we arent DATING dating, no labels and mostly just hang out when no one's around but Something Undefined is happening here. they kiss or whatever lol -> they emphasize w/e they have is strictly casual and 'doesnt mean anything' -> perhaps cater emphasized the 'doesnt mean anything' part more idk -> some forbidden feelings kinda spark anyway but one or both of em are just kinda. ignoring/denying it lol -> ive had a specific image in my brain for a Long Time of like. cater kissing lion boy. then being like ✌️its ok, its just for fun dont worry doesnt mean anything ✌️ -> and like its a mutual neutral feeling At First but like eventually i think their Situation falls apart for one reason or another and theres Tension

^i said takes place the year before the game starts but i think i also had it in my mind toying w/the idea of it as like a SUMMER FLING/ROMANCE(?) that ended RIGHT BEFORE school started. or idk maybe it ended right before they got out for break. WHATEVER.

point is those screenshots are from book 2 which is still pretty early on in the school year so ive got the vibe of like "oh things are still awkward between them, the 'breakup' is still relatively fresh, and leona feels bitter about it and is playing extra hardball with these guys and also harshly teasing them about it bc caters there and hes Emotional but taking it out sports style" lol. and supplementing that Specific Image In My Head^ i imagine in that convo in the screenshots w/cay being like 😔leona sweetheart plz chill😔 leona would just be like 😒well. it 'Doesnt Mean Anything' so whats the problem here 😌 😒

anyway. you maybe didnt really ask for the extra headcanon au lore whatever details but i gave them to you anyway LOL my LeoCay Messy Breakup AU. but i ALSO just like drawing them together bc cay is my fave and fun to draw, and leona is Also fun to draw 😔 my fave character cay + character i have been dragged kicking and screaming to kind of respect over time KLJFSDKLJFL every time leona says or does something that makes me think hes cool or smart i get SO MAD about it. seething at book 6 LOL SJDKLFJD twst with their damn complex characters making me Think Deeply 😒 and then i steal their deep blorbos and put them in my funny little barbie dreamhouse soap opera recycled romance drama plotline loop forever and ever and ev

ahem. so yea on the surface. pair that probs would never ever work out HOWEVER it's MY mind palace and i can make up whatever silly rules i want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#literally sat here head in my hands irl for a few seconds bc i was so embarrassed typing all this LOL had 2 pause and recollect myself #still gonna tag it tho. i have to desensitize myself 💪 #twisted wonderland #cater diamond #leona kingscholar #twst #cereal tries to draw #if the readmore doesnt work im committing crimes. but usually it works after i edit and re-add it lol #i have a lot of cay ships bc cay is a fave character and #i cant help but put my fave blorbos through the 'everyone should love u' machine #listen not everything is about shipping however i simply Enjoy It #it is FUN #<- me defending myself when literally no one is challenging me lol #SORRY it's 1am im Getting Scared lol #its the danger hour the Big Emotions time lol time for BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[hangarsliquides]

saw ranking i binged them all again

one > six > two > four > five > three > spiral > jigsaw > 3d

saw 1 at the top. the forerunner. the patient zero, james wan played god and saw was his Light. i had to pay my respects to it and also Adam Stanheight is in it, one of the best characters period. living breathing memorable quote machine. the most cohesive one, one of the better law enforcement plots, the ending... i don't have to talk about it, we all know how iconic it is. i'll just say leigh whannell's scream still sends chills up my spine.

saw 6 had the best spectacle, best traps, great cinematography, also amanda's in it. the last bang for the franchise before the next three movies after it didn't reach anywhere near its caliber, let alone like... saw 5's caliber. the ending is iconic. i'm disappointed that william didn't survive and it would have been interesting for him to be the only main game subject to live ( i'm indirectly declaring saw 3d non-canon). but rodrick heffley did kill a man so atleast i can walk away with this tidbit of information to share to unknowing fools who never saw this franchise. the scene with THE HOFFMANATOR and the voice descrambler was the most fucking stressed i felt during a movie since i saw rob zombie's halloween 2 i was fucking Sick. even though I knew what was going to happen. bravo greutert

saw 2 was a better follow-up than some ppl give it credit for even though it's also the one where the participants get a little stupider. addison's trap was such a perfect example of this, but can i be mad at it? no. because the first time i saw it i guffawed so loudly. im pretty sure my friends are scared of my sick sense of humor. anyways this is the only film where we get to see john kramer in action where he's not in a flashback or immobilized state, and he's a glorious cunt to watch. my deeply self-delusional serial killer blorbo. donnie wahlberg is so fun to watch. he's so angry. all the nerve gas house participants are also pretty fun to watch even though they're all blank slates with one max personality trait i love them. obi tate i will never forget you and your 5 minutes of screentime... love you honey...

saw 4 is funnier than people give it credit for. a lot of this series is, actually. legendary transitions. eric matthews befriends a little rat friend. introduces THE HOFFMANATOR properly. rigg's addiction to going through doors. every bizarre twist in the last fifteen minutes. an entire potential arc from the last movie getting cut short abruptly by strahm shooting one of the worst characters in the franchise to death. i would pick this for a movie night with the boys

saw 5 has also plenty of funny moments. the fatal five's game becomes a really mean comedy with how they simply refuse to work together as a team. even though it was glaringly obvious from the tapes that they were supposed to. mallick's actor overplays his part and its magnificent. more THE HOFFMANATOR action. strahm performs a tracheotomy on himself to escape a trap and he sounds funny for the rest of the film.

saw 3 was carried by bahar soomekh and especially shawnee smith Period. jeff completely drags it down. otherwise it'll be higher. justice for amanda young and allison kerry. i think i would have connected with saw 4 more in a genuine way if kerry was being tested.

spiral, similarly to saw 3, has chris rock dragging down everything. he feels like a pretty stiff actor. luckily he's more bearable to watch than jeff or bobby. that said, having the bousmaniac back at the helm brought back some of the extremely bizarre editing choices that fuel this series' trademark humor. the shaking camera shot that looks like it was made by a rookie in sony vegas pro... chef's kiss mwah.

jigsaw is legitimately bad. weak cast of characters which these movies always have but this cast is weaker than usual. i don't remember anything about halloran and logan except corrupt cop and ex military jiggy apprentice respectively. i dont remember what kind of personality eleanor has. i don't tgink i was paying attention to this half the time except for the barn game which also wasn't super good

saw 3d... the opening trap (misogynistic implications aside), the horsepower trap and THE HOFFMANATOR were the only Really good moments. the new gibson guy is one of the best actors which i mean that he's one of the worst actors. bizarre lines, even more bizarre delivery. the bobby plotline is the worst main game bar none and the only one in the series i would genuinely call torture porn. i can take away some element of humor from jeff being slow ass motherfucker but not this. the traps aren't intriguing enough. the trap involving a woman having to not make a peep at all is so Subtle. and joyce did NOT deserve that. i still don't know how to feel about gordon being an accomplice... i don't know how to make it make sense for his character and his development...

#saw 2004 #saw franchise #saw movies

[sweetronancer]

tw : vent!!!

love changes everything by sam phillips is so real. like "im not sorry we loved, but i hope i didnt keep you too long" is way too fucking real. like it hurts me to love so much. it hurts to like care about someone so much but i cant let them go and my heart aches. im not sorry we had what we did and i miss her. i hate to miss her but i do. love really does change everything, it changes how you view someone and how you feel for someone. i dont wanna love like that anymore, i dont want a love where shes just ripping my heart out or whatever. im happy in my current relationship but i feel horrible because i miss my ex just a little bit. i hate myself for loving her still but i also love who im currently with so much. but i cant let the old one go. she was my first like actual love. like she made me feel seen and i loved that, the first month of the relationship she listened to me and then she stopped because she met another girl. she was like "oh but i love you two equally" thats not a normal thing to tell your girlfriend that you chased for a while, is it? i told her it was either me or her but she chose both of us and i didnt confront her about it at all and it still makes me miserable and its been almost a year since that happened. i stayed with her and idk why, i just liked the attention she gave me. im pretty sure she dated the other girl behind my back while we were together, im like pretty positive, but i stayed with her and i let her walk all over me. i let her win every single argument and at like 7 months in i stopped fighting, i stopped trying to talk it out because it was pointless. im pretty sure by month 3 it was one sided and it has been one sided, i doubt she even loved me to begin with. i think she only liked the idea of dating me. i just wanna scream and cry and allat because this really like bothers me every fucking day and i dont talk about it but i guess this is me speaking up. something i couldn't do with her but im doing it now. she neglected me a lot too. im pretty sure she love bombed me and allat yk? i just took it though. i was a sucker for her and tbh i still am. i hate myself for it and i miss my current girlfriend so much, we barely talked today but her service is horrible but at least she actually lives in the states?? my ex hated america and i doubt she'd like to pay me a visit yk. but it just pisses me off how she could go hours and like a whole day without texting me (my ex) and like i just let her, i told her i have attachment issues and she was like "thats not my fault" but she begged me not to leave her when she fucked up. she got so jealous when i made a new friend and bitched about it so much so i dropped everyone for her. whatever anyway!!!

#percy pauses and yaps for a little #personal #vent post

[somemetallyillbitch]

My love

Okay so I didn't find a fanfic anywhere with him so I am just gonna project my fluffy fantasys in this fic. Also Reader is Harpers kid in this one. I hope you will like it

!!Not prove read!!

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Warnings: fluff, a bit of angst and just comfort, yelling, Happy ending,Herassment, abusive ex tell me if I left anything out

She/her pronouns

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I was in the bar with friends including my mom and her friends. "So tell us more about this mystery man." Lopez said with a smile on her face. No one knew that it was John since my mom was his TO. "Ya like a Name, that would be helpful." my mom added "so you can spy on him ya not gonna happen, and why is it so important to you to find him, he makes me very happy" I say. "And from what I've heard he makes you scream to" Lopez said. Oh she was playing dirty. "what?! Now u really need his name I wanna know who my baby is screwing" My mom said. "Oh that is so not gonna happen and how do you know about this anyways?" I turned to Angela. "I have my sources" she simply said.

We where having a good time when I went to get another round for us. That's when he appeared. My ex. The man who was abusive and absolutly shit. I just prayed to all the gods that he doesn't see me. But that did happen.

"Oh well hello my love, it's been so long" he said with a smug smile. "yes I wonder why?" I said sarcasm dripping in my voice. "hey you know I dont like ist when you are Sarcastic so cut it out" and with that he grabbed my arm and wanted to jank me out of the bar but I freed myself somehow and came back to the table.

"Hey im sorry but I don't feel well so I'm gonna head home." I said just wanting to get to John, the only man I wanted right now. "Are you okay should I give you a ride?" my mom asked but I politely declined and walked home, or to John. Lucly he didn't life far away so I was there soon.

"John? John im home." I said. "Hey dove, I didn't think you were gonna be back..so..soon, what's going on you seem upset." he said taking my face in his soft warm hands. "I saw my ex again" I said tears welling up "what ex?" he asked afraid he'd knwo the answer. "David." I said breaking down crying in his chest. "he grabbed me and wanted to drag me outside." I sobbed. He just hugged me tight and strocked my back. "im so sorry dove, but you are here now. You are save now, no one is gonna hist you anymore, not if I can help it." we went to the chouch and I sat on his lap hidding my face hin his neck, I want to stay like this forever.

I was so exhausted from all that that I fell asleep on his chest, so he carried me into the bedroom and he layed down next to me and I snuggled up next to him.

A few hours later I woke up from the doorbell, I looked over to John who was asleep like a rock, lucky, I thought. When I went to open it I already regreted it. "Mom? What are you doing here at *looks at clock* 4 am in the morning?"

"I wanted to know if you were okay so I pinged your phone-" "You what?! Why on God's name would you do that?" "you weren't home and I got worried but the bigger question is what are you doing here?" she asked and in that moment John came it "what's going on sweetie who's at the door?" "Amor I love you but you have bad timing sometimes." "Nolan you are sleeping with my kid? She's 21 years old. Shes a baby!" my mom said. John looked very scared so I jumped in "I am not a child I am a grown adult who happen to be with someone older then me and it gives you no right to torment him at work just because I am dating your Rookie, got it?" I said hoping she'd understand. "Mom?" "Alraight but if he hurts you that will be his last day on earth." She stared John down with that comment. "Harper I wouldn't even dream of hurting her" he said while snaking his arms around my waist. She seemed like she wanted to murder him. "Okay okay but don't PDA infront of me got it?" "Got it" we said in uinon. She walked away and I closed the door. "So how many pushups do you think you'll have to do before she's satisfied?" I ask. "Oh my love there isn't a number that will satisfy her, I am dating her one of her daughters so I will get pushups till my Rookie year is over. Now its 4 am in the morning do you wanna go back to sleep or...?" he asked with a smile. "Oh I like your thinking Mr. Nolan." I said and took his hand and led him the bedroom where we kissed and closed the door.

[jamesvowles]

synth this is stranger anon! I just finished reading you stopped by my house and totally get crazy about it... first i think george should be seeking for helps he's crying and screaming in max's house but then max is getting crazy for him too. theyare so abnormal to each other

at the same time max is just pure loving like?? innocently thinking they had something after spent a week doing george. oh. luckily lando and dan are so nice. damn why they didn't fuck again max must hurt so bad (wondering that as a george fan?). i think the whole thing is george's fault and wanna see how he will handle this between his gf and max. pls tell me it'll be a happy ending!>?!

HEELLO AGAIN ANON I HOPE YOU'RE WELL!!!!!!! I KNOW THIS IS MESSED UP THIS IS HOW I FOUND OUT ALL MY FICS ARE STILL PUBLIC ADSKJHSFDKJFDHJJHJ NOOOOO. i thought i did the privating correctly but i fucked up LOL

BUT IM GLAD YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH <3 AND I APPRECIATE YOU READING IT HAHA

really putting them both thru it all and for what? u know fun fact it was going to end at chapter one with GEORGE JUST WALKING AWAY LOL but a lot of people were like "BRO U CANT LEAVE IT THERE" which is....fair

spoilers under read more

i think theyre both looking to preserve themselves in a way. i think its all good then they fuck and its like. okay so max is looking to get with someone (in my mind its also an ex, but maybe even danny) and uses george as a crutch despite their little interaction. then george thinks too impulsively and also uses max as a temporary solution. then HE GETS WITH THE GIRLFRIEND AGAIN......then he gets scared and doesn't tell max until its too late. so now he's gotta apologize

(im kind of thinking of imola 2021 where george took full responsibility for the incident w valtteri after reflecting for a bit! he made a bad judgement but fixed it immediately!)

then max resents george (because he got attached) but refuses to talk about it with george. george is willing to take accountability but max knows it'll hurt george even more if he doesn't even engage with that idea. smh my head . the pettiness is unreal. he's literally willing to kill them both if it means he "wins"; that george can never feel comfort in his own relationship again, that george is berated for what max thinks is the wrong decision, and that george will stay with max (even if in a way that is so hateful). love makes people crazy.

danny + lando trying to mediate makes me giggle. lando is really like "im sure the week with george will be fine" then comes back to fire and hell on earth. but yeah #dandobesties4eva

ANYWAYS stranger anon it will be happy dont worry i wont say how it resolves but....everything is good in da end ^_^ i drew a picture for it and everything before deleting it haha!! thank you again stranger anon!!! i really do appreciate when people comment and send asks about my stuff <3

#asks #stranger anon tag #russtappen #sorry if it was just rambling its hard to explain their dynamic in my mind #twin size mattress universe

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

Hello :) Welcome back to another episode of Smol Copy-Pastes A Ramble/Rant From Discord And Calls It A Tumblr Post. This week, we’ll be looking at one of my Crying Over Nishiki sessions which ALSO became a full on rant against Kazama! Whoo! Here we go, gonna be another ‘read more’ cause a) spoilers, and b) reeeeally long unhinged ranting about fictional men :D

“LOOK I COULDVE FIXED HIM, EVEN AFTER HE SLAPPED REINA, I'D HAVE BEEN LIKE 'LISTEN BBY I LOVE U IM HERE FOR U BUT GET YOUR ASS BACK OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND APOLOGISE TO REINA!!!!!'

BUT NOOOOOO EVERYONE JUST HAD TO DECIDE TO BE A HUGE BITCH TO HIM AND BECAUSE THE DUMBASS LASHED OUT AT ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE HE HAD LEFT AND PROBABLY FELT LIKE HE COULDNT GO BACK AND APOLOGISE CAUSE I THINK HIS SELF ESTEEM IS ALREADY LOW ENOUGH BY THEN TO NOT EVEN THINK HE DESERVES HER FORGIVENESS AND THEN YUKO FUCKING DIES BECAUSE KAZAMA IS A FUCKING SHIT DAD AND EVERYONE IS A DICK TO HIM UNPROMPTED AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

point is i want to rip Kazama's spine out with my bare hands

hate how the game acts like he's so cool and good when he's really not he failed his kids so so badly ACTUALLY NO THEYRE NOT HIS KIDS HE'S THE ENTIRE REASON THEYRE ORPHANS”

(at this point I moved to the spoilers channel to continue my Unending Kazama Hatred)

OKAY SO TIME TO SCREAM ABOUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER KAZAMA AND HOW THE GAME SUCKS HIS DICK do you have ANY idea how much i hated when they go to Tojo HQ so Tachibana can pay em to leave his sugar baby alone and the old fucker who weve never seen before is like 'u know i'd have paid a billion yen for Kazama when he was ur age. are u worth that much? are u as good as him?' LISTEN HERE CUNT HE IS A BETTER MAN THAN KAZAMA EVER WAS AND EVER WILL BE!!!!!!!

WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHIN SEEING AS HE'S REALLY ANNOYING IN THIS GAME like okay i get it Kazama is a yakuza and ex-hitman i EXPECT him to have done bad shit and it's very nice he set up the orphanage n all but it also isnt cause like bro you murdered these kids parents!!! and idk anythin about their life in the orphanage i'll admit but as an active yakuza i cannot imagine him being the most hands-on, tender, loving parent ever, yknow? ALSO ALSO like i know he tried to stop Kiryu and Nishiki becomin yakuza im just saying YA COULDVE TRIED HARDER MATE!!!! THEY WERE SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, THEY WERE CHILDREN FOR GOD'S SAKE. KIRYU WAS LIKE 'WHY WONT U LET US BE LIKE U YOURE A YAKUZA U GET A COOL CAR AND PEOPLE RESPECT U LET US TRY AND HAVE THAT' YOURE LETTING HIM SELL HIS SOUL TO A LIFE OF CRIME BECAUSE HE WANTS A FUCKING CAR?????? I DONT CARE HOW STRONG THEY WERE IN THAT FIGHT YA FUCKIN SIT THEM DOWN AND GET RID OF THE ILLUSION OF GLAMOUR!!!!! TELL THEM THEYRE WORTH MORE THAN JUST GRUNTS WHO ARE GOOD WITH THEIR FISTS AND NOT MUCH ELSE, ONE FIGHT IN THE RAIN AND YOURE LETTING THEM JOIN, ABSOLUTELY FUCK RIGHT OFF WITH THAT 

AND THEN HE'S SHOVING THEM OFF TO ANOTHER FAMILY BECAUSE OF SOME POLITICAL BULLSHIT IDK BUT FINE FAIR ENOUGH YA DONT WANNA PLAY FAVOURITES BUT I FUCKING HATE THIS WHOLE 'OH SEEMS DISTANT AND UNCARING BUT ACTUALLY HE THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING AND HAS THEIR WELLBEING IN MIND' I JUST- JUST FUCK OFF!!!!!! 

MAYBE YA SHOULD PLAY FAVOURITES WHEN ONE OF YOUR CHARGES IS DYING VERY QUICKLY AND HER BROTHER HAS NO ONE FOR SUPPORT. INSTEAD OF FUCKIN LETTING THE GUY THEY APPARENTLY SEE AS BIG BROTHER FUCKING REPRIMANDING THE GUY CAUSE HE CANT GET CONTROL OF OR RESPECT FROM THE PEOPLE YOU ASSIGNED HIM AND SEEMINGLY KNEW THEYD BE DIFFICULT!!!!! HOW IS MY BOY MEANT TO ""PROVE HIMSELF"" WHEN HES DEALING WITH THE TRAUMA OF TAKING A LIFE (EVEN IF THE FUCKER HAD IT COMING), THE GUILT OF LETTING HIS BEST FRIEND TAKE THE FALL, AN ACT OF PURE KINDNEES IN CONTRAST TO HIS OWN BRUTAL IRREVERSIBLE ONE, THE STRESS OF TRYING TO SAVE HIS SISTER WHO IS DYING (MAYBE CONTRIBUTE SOME EXTRA CASH KAZAMA??? MAYBE???) AND DEALING THE AFOREMENTIONED DISRESPECTFUL FUCKERS AND LASHING OUT AND HURTING THE ONE PERSON HE HAS LEFT AND BURNING THAT BRIDGE, AND THE GIRL HE KILLED A MAN FOR HAS LOST HER MEMORY AND VANISHED (WHICH YOU HELPED WITH KAZAMA!!! YOU KNEW SHE WAS SAFE!!!!), 

AND THEN THE GRIEF OF LOSING HIS SISTER FOR NO. FUCKING. PURPOSE. HE SOLD OUT HIS REMANING MORALS, HIS PRIDE, ANY RESPECT OTHERS MAY HAVE HAD FOR HIM ALL TO SAVE HER AND IT FAILED. HE WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT ALONE. YEAH I'D HAVE FUCKIN TURNED EVIL AS WELL!!!!!!!

im not sayin Nishiki is fully free of blame, obviously, he made his choices, and murdering Reina after using her love for him to further his own ends AND killing Shinji and ALL of the shit he pulls in Kiwami, yeah, completely fucked up, horrible, his choices, he did that shit. im just saying that i dont know, maybe if ya wanted to step in at any point in the last ten fucking years Kazama (preferably before that too), ya couldve and fuckin SHOULDVE”

I’ll be honest with ya lads, I stand by every word of this cfvgbhnjkgvbhnj

#smol speaks #smol plays yakuza #akira nishikiyama #anti shintaro kazama #idk is that a tag? idk if he has fans or not i dont wanna go upsettin people #yakuza spoilers #long post #holy fuck that IS a long post i TOLD yall i went off on one cgfvbhjnkm

[kagejima]

Rae! In honor of your birthday today (Well, you're free to talk about it any time obviously lmao), but please tell us about some of the songs you perform with your self ship pop punk band!

OKAY :))

for anyone who's not caught up, i have a self ship pop punk band with ushijima, meian, beel from OM, and sukuna. OM lucifer and nanami are also our managers.

im vocals! ushijima is bass! meian is rhythm guitar and also vocals! sukuna is lead guitar! beel is drums! lucifer and nanami make sure we dont get chaotic bc god help us if we're on our own! 🤭

i answered one similar to this earlier with what I think our own music would be like so i tried to do what we would do as covers for this ask hehe. OKAY ON TO THE SONGS!

FAT LIP - SUM 41

It's on regular rotation in the van. Lucifer and Nanami fucking think it's trash and hate it (derogatory), but we think it's trash and hate it (affectionate). It's a song that Sukuna, Beel, and I grew up with. Meian and Ushijima had never even heard it before until we showed it to them.

Every time it comes on shuffle in the van, we all lose our minds and start singing along with it. Lucifer and Nanami are in 2 minutes and 58 seconds of their own personal hell. They know we'll act up if they skip it.

One time I was sick for a show. I was standing off to the side of the stage for the outside venue with Nanami and Lucifer, and I was wearing one of Beel's big ass zip up hoodies to stay warm. After they had finished up one of our songs, Sukuna looked directly at me off to the side and started playing the beginning. I was looking at him like "biTCH DONT YOU DARE!"

but then Beel kicking in on the drums and the rest of them kicking in too and it had already been decided. When I asked them why they did it, they were like "Made you smile, didn't it? Just wanted to make you feel a little better!"

IRIS - DIAMANTE & BREAKING BENJAMIN (orig. Goo Goo Dolls)

Sukuna and I don't pull this cover out a whole lot, but when we do, the crowd loves it. I'm no contact with my mom and the original is one of her favorite songs in the world, so it took a really long time for me to separate the song from the person. Sukuna was the one that suggested we cover it together so it could be a happier and new memory for me. Like I said, we don't pull it out too often, but when we do, everybody loses it.

LUNATIC - UPSAHL

Crowd loses their shit to this one too every time we do it because Toshi finally comes out of his little comfortable circle playing the bass and gets up front with me since it's a very bass-heavy song. Everybody also loses their shit because Toshi is watching me the whole time I'm singing, even when I'm not looking at him or I'm off near Beel or Sukuna or Meian just vibing with them for a few moments. Everybody is watching Toshi watch me and going "ME WHEN?? ME BEING ADORED WHEN????"

When the rest of them came back, Meian told me he punched him "just because".

When I first heard the song, i threw down bass tabs the next day in front of ushijima and went "LEARN THIS! NOW!" he was like "babygirl, i gotta hear it first 😮‍💨" fhejjfjejdje

anyways the song is too close to home. an ex had shown up to a show to talk to me and it was a disaster - they all made a line in front of me to keep my ex from getting to me. I was going feral though and Toshi had to pick me up kicking and screaming and take me back to the van to calm down.

LOVE BITES (SO DO I) - HALESTORM

Beel!!! Loves!!! Doing!!! This one!!! Man goes absolutely fucking insane on the drums and it's usually me back there by his drum kit singing!!! Actually, everybody loves doing this one because we kinda wanna move out of doing pop punk to doing this genre. The few new songs we've had that are similar to this, everybody has been very receptive so we're excited to maybe take our music in this direction. Sukuna and Meian actually had to help me with the middle bits of the yelling because they were like "Oh, precious baby, no, you gotta be stronger than that" but with practice i got there heheheheheh

MONTAUK MONSTER - LAURA STEVENSON & THE CANS

HRJWJCJWK OKAY SO THIS ONE!!!! you wouldn't know it looking at him, but meian actually knows how to play the banjo!!! he learned bc i was just casually saying how i like songs with banjo in them a lot and so he bought a banjo the next day and sukuna and beel were like "what are you doing 💀" and meian was like "miND YOUR BUSINESS 😤"

anyways i play this song a lot in the van and they all hate folk music but they endure it for me bc they all love me 🥰 meian was the one that was like "we should.... uhh.. cover this" bc he learned the banjo for it and sukuna was like "dUDE NO" BUT I WAS FOAMING AT THE MOUTH LIKE "YEAH??????" and sukuna gave in bc im their pretty lil princess and they do whatever i tell them to do at the end of the day bc they cant ever say no to me, they love me too much 😈

#🎸: rae's self ship pop punk band #THANKS ANON!! this was really fun :) #🎂: rae's birthday 2022

[imaginespazzi]

Hi hi hi!

Reporting live and procrastinating responsibilities :). So heres my rundown, pretty much matchy matchy w yours, naturally: Generally the video vibes almost 💯 fit with the allegations 🙃. Please bear w the rambling thoughts in no particular order. Im not sure how one could possibly cohesively recap ALL THAT lol. Ok it blows my mind how much they personally had to catch up on w one another! God damn babes, you havent talked much if at all in nearly a month. Again it screams that there was more of a relationship (ending poorly).. Even friends moving apart prob wouldve had more contact over that time. Sometimes I wonder how they dont realize what they reveal by what they leave ~unsaid/not explained! Though G’s “really bad breakup” comment felt weighted given their situation. To me much of the injury discussion came across as carry over from the In The Mirror. With G making a point to say nice things (good memories of playing together;tearing up when Liz got hurt; not being wholly herself as a player w/out Kitley;the frustration at team reaction after the game following the injury; belief that Liz will recover/be drafted etc.). And G’s words still feel to me like a way of her dealing with some guilt which she cant quite yet express or process. Especially considering her adding stuff about being w the Kitley fam lately and helping move Liz’s stuff ha. If a person ever questioned something going down between L&G, I’ll say alarm bells went off when L described her night following the injury and staying over w Cayla. In such a low moment, poor girlie really couldnt manage being at her own place thats shared w one of her closest pals. Ooof. However, on the whole, they sounded more comfortable at times than I expected. In fact the convo sometimes got surprisingly open and loose - gals dont tell me that we had a bit of liquid courage before recording. ;) And it did stand out to me that L asked the “fans” on multiple occasions to just be decent and grateful for what they had + be understanding of decision making under the situation, but stopped short of telling people to leave G alone (which, given everything we’re led to believe, fair play hun). My big takeaway was that they seem to be taking this time of big adjustment as also a new beginning to possibly recover a friendship. Clearly theres still issues to work thru, but perhaps theyve reached a more settled/amicable place? Or at least were just able to deal w each other long enough to provide us all w a semi closure pod 😐. But heres hoping for more future content, as they hinted at! Oh and as someone who works w/in college athletics, I was very sympathetic to their comments throughout re change. Its a crazy industry, stuff happens in the blink of an eye and you do just have to deal with that ish. The harsh reality of the current state of things is that one rarely gets a neat, happy closure.

Happy Sunday to you bestie, hope its fantastic! -☕️

Reporting live and procrastinating is so real, like me asf fr fr.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. Like they seemed so out of the loop when it came to each other's life and that's just so weird to me? I mean I get it could just be regular friends drifting but that wasn't the ~vibe~ at all to me and maybe again it's the allegations bias but it was just very much giving exes.

Hardcore agree with the Georgia stuff because I thought some of what she was saying felt a bit like an overcompensation, an apology of sorts to make up in a way for anything else that *might* have happened. Honestly Georgia being so nice, no shade, doesn't really fit the dynamic from before where sometimes Georgia's snark was just mean to me really.

Every new bit of info/content, I just continue to feel terrible for Liz. And I think her staying at Cayla's really gave away the depth of how much has happened between her and Georgia. And again yeah it could be a friend breakup but it just feel a little too serious for that.

Obviously I don't know a timeline, if there even is one, but this podcast gave me the vibes that if they were together, it's actually been a decent while since they broke up and are now in a place where they can co-exist in an amicable manner. I don't know if we'll ever get another podcast or if they'll actually be able to be in a genuine friendship again but I think they're in a good enough place and I do love that for them.

#ask #☕️ anon my precious #greedily I do want to know more drama but i also hope they heal

[bunnychargebolt]

Hi yeah im just gonna scream into the void a little bc im angy. Feel free to ignore this :3

Theres gonna be a vague abuse mention and talk about antisemitism :3

Im so fucking wishwijeiwjeiw. We were going shopping. For food. Because i am sleeping over and we will have no car access. And it is not reasonable to doordash all our meals. And i added on hair dye bc we’re dying my hair. And craft store bc i had gift card and I know he likes getting out of the house.

I got him after 12. I did not get home until 10:40. I wanted to get home at 6. Because i have shit I need to do.

We get to sally beauty. “I dont wanna start there” ok. We go into dollar tree. Dollar tree takes awhile. “Why did we even go in there I spent so much money”. BECAUSE YOU DIDNT WANT TO GO TO THE PLACE I DROVE US TO AND I WASNT GOING TO FUCKING DRIVE TO ANOTHER PLACE.

We go into sally beauty. We get the hair dye. “God youre so expensive” dude the deal was if im letting you dye my hair that you buy the stuff when i said “do you want to dye my hair” you could have said n o. Also it was like $26 which isnt that much for two things of iroiro hair dye😭.

I start driving to the next place. “I need food right now or else im gonna throw up” ok. We go get food. “Can we also get food from this place” ok we go there. We also get Starbucks.

“Can we go to this store thats 20 minutes away and come do stuff over here later. It means we get more cartime” ok fine. We go there. It takes maybe like 30-45 minutes bc hes bra shopping. He spends like $300 dollars there.

I ask him if he wants to go into the mall while we’re there (ik he likes it and i didnt want to leave and have him go “can we go back to the mall”)

We go into soencers and he soends like $120. He comes out and says “i cant soend anymore money on non food stuff today” ok thats cool i wamted to get food stuff anyway.

“Is there anywhere else you wanted to go while were down here” he says no. Thats cool. We go back over by me. “We can go to the rue21 while were over here too”

Ok cool whatever. We get my stuff at the craft store. He gets a bunch of shit which takes awhile cause I got all my stuff fairly quickly bc i knew what i was looking for (i got knitting stuff so i can teach myself how to knit!)

“Hey if you wanna go to these two stores over here we gotta go cause the close in like an hour and a half”

He gets distracted by the valentines day stuff.

We go to five below. He gets distracted there. We spend like 20 minutes in rue21 bc they closed soon. Its 8 now. When i wanted to be taking him home after he b e g g e d for more time.

“Can we go to the dollar tree again? I forgot to look for coloring books” “hey i really need to go home and we still need to get food” “well itll only take a couple minutes” *ok*. So we go to dollar tree.

I think i see my exes bsfs mom who knew me bc she drove the three of us around a lot and i freak the fuck out. I whisper “hey i want to go i dont feel comfortable” hes like “why” so i go walk a little bit so i can say it where she isnt LITERALLY RIGHT BY US and he keeps looking at shit. I go “HEY” and hes like “well why would she do anything”

YEAH HI THE MOTHER OF THE BEST FRIEND OF MY A B U S E R WHO BY THE WAY HER SON FUCKING HELPED MY EX DEFEND HITLER TO ME??? KNOWING I AM JEWISH??? I FUCKING WONDER WHY IM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT (he knows about this i have talked abojt it multiple times)

He picks up a pair of socks and im like “no i need to leave” “i cant get a pair of socks?” I AM ACTIVELY HAVING A PANIC ATTACK WE ARE LEAVING. Once we left the store i literally r a n to the car.

I start driving us to the store that he didnt want to go to esrlier bc “were gonna be getting frozen stuff it wont be good sitting in the car” which the plan was really- i pick out a couple food things. He fucking lives there. He should have stuff already. The only frozen thing i was planning on getting was uncrustables. And then like granola bars and a couple small things cause i eat more frequently than he does and ik he doesnt have shit. And im sleeping over for four days. And then going home for two. And then im back for another three days. Again without car access. There needs to be things there.

On the way there he starts talking to me about how hes upset that ive left garbage in his room a couple times. (Valid conversation. Understandable. In the middle of a panic attack though.) but while hes doing that hes like “and the dragonfruit is still there” ok if it is bothering you so much why havent you thrown jt out its been mhktiple days since we did that. That was kast weekend. Also your room is literally full of your garbage. And he was talking about how i didnt help him empty out drinks last time. That was because i had to l e a v e.

It is so so frequently “i need you to do this thing” “hey i cant i really have to get home” “cmon itll only take a couple minutes” ok so i help. “Hey can you also do this thing too” “no i h a v e to go j cant do that” “itll only tale a couple minutes though” I HAVE TO LEAVEEEE. NO.

And then when hes like “you look upset whats wrong” im like “well i dont love having this conversation in the middle of a panic attack. I understand why youre having it i just cant rn” “well you looked fine after we left the store i thought you were ok” no i just have to fucking dribe everywhere i cant be fucking freaking out while im driving but you watched me fucking run out of the store and you know damn well i dont run.

“I also just really wanted to be home already. Theres stuff i gotta do” “what do you need to do” “i have chores i need to do. I meed to make sure im packed. Theres a drawing i want to finish” “you can just do the drawing at my house” NO. I WANT TO DO IT AT MY HOUSE. WE DONT GET SHIT DONE AT YOUR HOUSE AMD THIS IS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. I NEED THIS TO BE FUCKING FINISHED.

Piggybacking on the nothing ever gets done at his house. “Its kind of frustrating that every time you offer to help clean that we wind up not getting anything done” listen man. It is your fucking shit. It is your house. And you get distracted. I will help clean. But quite frankly. I am shit at cleaning. Im not very helpful. Amd im not going to take the fucking initiative. Especially bc a lot of the shit you need is either me bending down a lot or me staying relatively stationary cleaning shit. Both of those hurt the fuck out of me. And also cleaning is stressful as fuck for me. All of which youre aware of. I dont mind helping. But im not that helpful. And its on you to actually fucking get shit started.

God im just. Theres other stuff too. Im jist. Angry. And i had a fucking ptsd attack on the way home. And im tired and cranky and i want to sob and i want to be held.

I love him. He is my best friend and he is like a sibling to me. But oh my fucking god sometimes he just does not fucking understand and it makes me want to bash my head jnto the fucking wall

#cw vent #tw vent #tw abuse mention #tw antisemitism #im #probably going to sob #im not doing well #at the moment #but i get to work on my drawing for daddy :3 #very excited #ive gotten half of it done and its beautiful and ahhhhh #i like him very very much and i think hell like this!!!

[blackvail22]

9/18/23 -- 10:46pm

i dont remember if i told you this, but my least favorite coworker gave me their number on thursday. it gave me the ick in the moment because i really dont like them (for a number of reasons), but i now feel like ive been an asshole and that i should text them.

here are a few reasons why i dont like them:

actively supports things that i cannot (blue lives matter)

favorite artists are racist and support white supremacy

...this one i have to thoroughly explain

and look, i want to believe that we can seperate the art from the artist, but when the artist makes music about the problematic things they support (aka white supremacy) or has the stars and bars flag on their guitar, i dont think.... i dont think we can separate those two lol. and i also want to believe them about having DID, i do, but i have done so much research about DID and they really do not ever switch. i mean, they do switch into a country accent sometimes but its severely watered down and you can tell its.. fake. but also, when i first met them, they told me they did that because they do it when theyre bored. and they told our coworker that they do that because they have DID. sure, they could have it, but i just... i dont know. i cant believe it

i think i only really want to text them because i am feeling lonely and i dont want to be lonely anymore. i hate post-breakup stuff because ive thought about getting with people that i dont even really like that much as well as people i know would be bad for me. hell, ive thought about getting with him for the third time, and SURE -- maybe THIS time he's changed (he hasnt its been a month) but i feel like im rotting on the inside. i feel like im wasting time. i really want someone i could talk to and show my love for.

i cant be in love though; im severely.... clingy. its troubling at times, and i dont like it. there was a time in november of a certain year when i was talking to someone i severely liked, and they told me they had a crush on someone. i went .... insane. obviously, i dont think they knew about it, but i cried for WEEKS. sometimes i would cry so hard and so much that i nearly threw up. i screamed sooo many times out of anger, and i have so many videos and notes rants about it.. here is something i found from that time .. "... we're not fucking dating, but my god, dude, you make me feel like an idiot! ... ugh. i'm fed up, but i'm not gonna go away, and we both know that. fuck. fuck fuckf cufkc hfrsdakhfbaewk;bn"

i said a lot besides that, the most important parts i think, but the general thing i said was "you couldve at least told me you were busy. fuck you for leaving me for some other girl. her and i are probably just objects anyway" and OH MY GOD?>>>>??????> i genuinely dont believe that now, but i was so out of myself then (and almost every time im in love) that it KILLLLLS me

"i think tjis hurts so much because once again, no one will love me enough to see me in their future forever. i mean, youre still special to me, and talking to you is great, but i liked you romantically just because i wanted loved. i loved that feeling that i was chasing, but you ruined it and you crushed me once again. all well."

i love so much and so hard because i want to be loved and i want to feel love back. it makes it so easy for me to fall for someone because of that. it makes it difficult to differentiate the difference between love and the idea of love really easily. it makes me afraid ill never really find the authentic kind of love i long for. not only that, but when someone says they love me and shit and then say that im too much for them or say that im too crazy for them.

when i think back, though, i really do think i was in love with my ex-boyfriend and the person i had a crush on that i mentioned before. i really do think i loved them because i still feel that love i had for them. i was told that true love doesnt go away, and i think thats true.

or maybe its admiration?

i know im so young, but i feel like ive been alive for 1000 years, i swear! i feel like my heart shouldnt be this heavy for my age. nothing feels right anymore, and i try my best to make it feel better...

it feels like nothing workdss

(that took me 40 minutes to write because i kept getting distracted )

[footagedump]

i dont like which people cause a certain chemical reaction in me

ive met some people recently who i would look really good with who i just cant entertain the thought of being with.

i was at this pool party last night and there was someone there i would look INCREDIBLE next to. they were gorgeous, good style, really smart. our shapes are definitely complimentary. but something made me feel ugh.

theres someone else I've been talking to a little who lights me up and i think

our colorsets dont match at all. i think if we stood next to each other it would make us both look worse. i dont think they have exciting style. they are smart and i like that they are very open in a flat way.

heres what im worried about:

am i unattracted to visible interest? when someones eyes smolder for me it freaks me out. when anyone stands close to me i am acutely aware of it. i have a habit of projecting beauty onto people who give me nothing.

are my tastes working with a false sense of self? am i craving a life that just isnt mine? or a version of myself that is less joyous? there is strong precedent for this.*

is it bad that i do not want to be comforting? or why is it that i can comfort some people but with other people when i see the need for comfort in them i harden? i prefer to cry and scream in private. my ex was like that too though and it was terrible. so were my parents.

i think also maybe im just not poly and thats okay. but idk i feel philosophicly weird about it. i am mostly celibate and interacting with people makes me very tense and obsessive. i like hanging out with myself. i like having brief sitcom intro style interactions with people. i dont think its lack of interest, i think its the overwhelm

*when i was 17 i dated this guy in ohio for like two years and i had this whole imagined life for us that was just always a little bleak. a movie that never lets you get comfortable but the dialogue is so quotable. after we broke up it felt like i was trying to be someone else the whole time. i stopped trying to be that person and my life got a lot better. the same is true for him i think.

i need to remember that this anxiety and emotion isnt really about either of these people or anyone specifically. im just looking for information about myself so that i can hurt less.

anyway other than that I'm doing fine

[opals4eyez]

36 hours

My biopsy is on Wednesday. 

I’ve been minimizing it all month. Today in yoga I imagined the scream/tears of joy I will release on Friday at work if my test results come back negative. I envisioned myself running out of the break room to tell all my peers that it’s come back negative. If positive.. I think I will continue to shut down. I feel almost full of manic energy. If positive, I don’t know if I’ll want to share with my coworkers. I don’t want to be pitied. But I also want support. If positive this is going to be very difficult me, I am not used to asking for support.

 I only slept 4 hours. Did yoga for 2.5 and hiked for 3 today. Healthy outlets.

Last night I had a vivid nightmare. I was like a mermaid and diving deep deep down into the ocean, the cold parts of the ocean where it is dark and little life. I wasn’t scared. Then suddenly I was back on land and there were many moving parts, many people. I remember running. Being in some sort of bar like establishment and running from something out of the mist.. an impending doom about to sweep. I remember there was my cousin T and my ex and they were somehow romantically linked. I remember a profound feeling of betrayal.

I can’t shake my feeling of constantly getting screwed in life and having to constantly get back on my feet. It is so ironic and fucked that I was sitting in my therapists office in late April talking about how amazing I felt and how on top of the world I was. Fate continues to test me. 

I just don’t want to be a sick girl. I don’t want to lose my boob I’m scared it could be the triple negative/aggressive cancer. I want MY nipples. I want my titties sucked. IM PISSED THAT I SPENT THE LAST 3 YEARS WITH A MAN WHO DIDNT SUCK MY TITTIES. I don’t want this possible cancer to be lurking behind me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to die. I feel like I just started living.. 

I don’t want to backtrack on my physical fitness. I’ve been saying so often lately that I’m in the best shape of my life. I feel so physically good. I am making so much progress. I am breaking the generational trauma. I’m doing the work. I have so many aspirations, I’m making good money and friends. My OWN friends. My confidence is up. I SANG KARAOKE. I dance now. Why does life continue to test me. Can’t I have an easy year? 

I am just going to be so happy if it’s negative. If not.. I will take it on, but I don’t want to crumble again :(

In other news my flirtation with brandon has continued.  he texts me a lot, hes very sweet. I think I like him. but I am refusing to give any legitimacy to this whole twin flame soul mate bullshit. I was telling my romantic sweet friend amy about it today and she is just like “whyyy dont you” because, well, I couldn’t stop talking about him today on our hike.

and I do really like him. i always have. But I don’t want to get lost in another person. He doesn’t seem to like to travel. i dont want to sacrifice my life vision for anyone.

But my life vision didnt involve breast cancer at 32. Maybe fate is funny. He doesn’t seem scared off by it.

My therapist said if he wants to support me I should let him. We’ll see.. No one takes care of me. I take care of everyone else.. I had come to terms that it was just never going to be that way.