#aka playing russian roulette with my body

[bbcphile]

Thanks, immune system, but I really didn't need the reminder of how much I dislike anaphylaxis.

Can I stop being allergic to my narcolepsy meds now?

Brought to you by MCAS, the bane of my existence

#about me #medical stuff #anaphylaxis #MCAS #mast cell activation syndrome #Can I fire my immune system please? #narcolepsy #I am so tired of being allergic to medications #and inactive ingredients in medications in particular #I am tired of medication trial and error #aka playing russian roulette with my body #I am tired of being allergic to meds that would otherwise dramatically improve my life #I am tired of my life as a game of medical whack-a-mole #a med solves one problem but causes several others #I should not have to choose between sleep breathing cataplexy or a semi-functional cardiovascular system! #Why is existence always set to “hard” mode? #What's it like to just have a body that works? #that's not just constantly fighting you and all your plans and dreams? #it sounds so nice #anyway back to trying to remind my lungs how breathing works #good times (*sarcasm*)

[thatstroubling]

Poll: What is, on average, the best Danganronpa chapter across the 3 mainline games?

AKA all Danganronpa murders are the same <3.

Parallels among the murders of the same chapter are listed below:

Chapter 1, AKA: "In a murder committed out of fear and panic, after dusk, in a location where the protagonist appeared shortly before, a strongly motivated individual, after taking initiative on their own, is murdered as a result of a betrayal by the protagonist's best ally, after which the corpse of the victim is found slumped on the floor and during the trial for which the blame is for a prolonged time placed on the protagonist or their ally (who was indeed involved, but ultimately is not the blackened)."

Chapter 2, AKA: "In an attempt to maintain allegiance to an important individual and to uphold a sense of honor for their Ultimate title, a capable classmate bludgeons to death the mentally strong yet physically weak (or mentally weak and physically strong) fan favorite (who therefore ends up dying too early) in a hands-on-hands physical confrontation, after which the placement of the corpse as well as the "perceived" crime scene is messed with to pin the blame on another person."

Chapter 3, AKA: "A-not-mentally-well-adjusted individual commits an immaculate and complicated double murder for a unthinkably irrational or amoral cause, which includes a body appearing at the crime scene out of nowhere in a seemingly impossible fashion, and in which one of the victims is the one who was lured out by the killer and willfully takes part in the action (but unknowing that it will result in their own murder) and in which the other victim ends up being the socially ostracized individual, simply because they happen to be at a wrong place at the wrong time."

Chapter 4, AKA: "Within a set-up for a locked room murder mystery, the good-hearted fan favorite becomes a part of a two-person life-and-death allegiance to perform a heroic act of self-sacrificial killing using an unknown murder method with the intention of getting themself killed so that everyone else may live, while one person is revealed to have had a deeper insight into the killing game for some time."

Chapter 5, AKA: "In an unsuccessful attempt to bring the killing game to its conclusion, the most malicious student of the class orchestrates an almost perfect, convoluted and seemingly unnecessarily but indeed intentionally violent murder (which serves as a way of mangling the corpse to a point where the murder method is concealed), whose solving hinges on the protagonist's new but trusted ally's confession about their not-really-consenting involvement."

Chapter 6, AKA: "After a retrospective investigation that brings to light new circumstances about the game's setting as well as its previous events, an existential crisis consumes the remaining survivors as the identity of the class and the killing game itself is revealed, during which Junko Enoshima appears (of course), and which ends with the true protagonist killing the mastermind in order to seek redemption, freedom and hope for their classmates.

P.S. This whole thing was primarily inspired to by my desire to prove Nagito's assumptions from chapter 4 wrong:

Most of these are fortunatelly not true when we also take V3 into account: while Rantaro was important, he wasn't stabbed; a serial killer was revealed in the third chapter, not the in the second; and I wouldn't exactly classify chapter 4 murder as a suicide in either sdr2 or v3 (though we DID have two people playing Russian roulette in the Funhouse, yikes). All in all, the murders wouldn't have been nearly as shocking if they correlated with what had been already pointed out in the second game before, so I'm not really surprised that there ended up being other similarities among the murders.

That's all, thank you for reading <3

#thank you in advance to anyone who voted #if you're unsure of what to pick just go based on vibes #surprisingly not too many researchers are waiting for the results of this scientific survey it's just for fun #the idea to compille all the parallels in the chapters of the same number has been occupying my head for a long time #so Im glad I was able to find quite a satisfying number of them Id say #really highlights how good dr's writing can be sometimes #chapter 4 is probably my favorite Id say on average it has produced the biggest amount of tears 🥲🥲🥲 #sorry in advance for spamming the main character tags I'm not 100% sure whether this is fit to be main char tagged #txt #drv3 #sdr2 #danganronpa #kokichi ouma #nagito komaeda #shuichi saihara #hajime hinata #kaede akamatsu #mahiru koizumi #chihiro fujisaki #kirumi tojo #tsumugi shirogane #kaito momota #sakura oogami #gundham tanaka #tenko chabashira #angie yonaga #makoto naegi #kyoko kirigiri #leon kuwata #💜

[msookyspooky]

STOP EVERYTHING.

CONCEPT; vampire hunter s.o with SEVEREN

CAN I GET A FUCK YEAHHHHH

FUCK YEAH!!! 😲😍

I've thought of this before like other than sunlight and explosions; we have no idea about other weaknesses!!

*I'm ranting bc ur speaking a language that scratches my hyperfixating brain. *

We know they can eat food and most likely like the Lost Boys; garlic doesn't hurt them.

(As badass as they are it would be lame as FUCK. Can you imagine throwing garlic cloves at them and them screaming in pain vs a hail of bullets not effecting them? Nah. Besides, Severen mentioned Pizza in comparison to Sarah. They've probably ate pizza and pizza usually has garlic and they lived. I refuse to think garlic hurts them.)

We know silver doesn't affect them bc Severen wears silver rings. Even if they're just silver plated, it's still silver.

I highly doubt a stake to the heart would take them out. I mean, they play Russian Roulette for fun. They get shot even in the chest and don't seem to give a shit. Severen got hit by a speeding semi and did not care. If a strike to the heart could take you out...Wouldn't you be more cautious?

Jesse got shot in the sternum. It could have hit a lung but that's pretty damn close to the heart by the looks of it. Actually, it looks like a clean shot to the heart...And he's still standing.

It wouldn't shock me if they can regenerate limbs even. I mean, Jesse hacked up a bullet because his body expelled it and healed almost instantly. So who knows what limits they have!

So who's to say they can't regrow an arm or leg? And I think as long as their heart isnt completely destroyed (Like ripped out and crushed or something) then they'd be fine and a stake wouldn't work.

UPDATE!! @turquoisebolotie pointed at while staying at the godspeed motel Jesse has a fucking cross on his gun!! DB uses it but I think it's Jesse's since she seems to favor knives. Either way, crosses don't affect them so holy water or any other religious object most likely wouldn't either.

So basically fire and explosions aka their body being obliterated beyond repair, sunlight and maybe decapitation?

I can picture it now; the vampire hunter hunted down Severen. They played a cat and mouse game everynight and Severen probably didn't kill them bc he was having too much fun. Sexual tension galore!!! Eventually, the hunter calls a truce and Severen and them team up bc they want to hunt down a particular vampire that killed someone close to them. Severen agreed not only to be near them more cause he's crushing hard but won't admit it but he's curious as to see what they can do. The hunter agrees bc it's an edge to learn how to kill a vampire from a vampire but they're also majorly confused seeing the Hooker clan be like a family. Eventually they'll fall in love and either the hunter will become a vampire hunting down certain ones like Blade, die a human with just a fling with Sev or reject humanity and join the Hooker Clan permanently.

#near dark #severen near dark #near dark 1987 #near dark Severen #severen

[kingpinparrot]

In the 9lives, is there a specific goal the players are put there to accomplish? How do they get to the levels? If a timekeeper dies after 999, then why don’t they just stay on one? Also how do deals work?

The reason Timekeepers cannot stay on one level is that they still age normally, and when they die they move to the next level. The longest they can possibly stay on one level is determined by when they will die of old age.

By completing mini games/missions or fighting other players, you can gain exp points, which can be transferred to any human currency. So unless you really want to be stuck in the capitalist grind for a couple tens of thousands of years, you play along.

The goal for “winning” 999 levels (aka not giving up) is going to The After, which is basically Timekeeper Valhalla, you can spend the rest of the universe chilling without a worry in the world. But very few people get there. Timekeepers only move to the next level until the give up, or quit the game, in which case they either permanently die or there file is corrupted and they become a Glitch. (Well you don’t become a Glitch, but your body will be a nice hermit crab shell for a elderich horror)

The actual reason why Timekeepers are in the game is a spoiler :)

Dealmakers are not the only ones who can make Deals (Timekeepers and Humans can as well) be there the most likely to not have complications. (Or get eaten for their troubles)

Deals are formed in a very stereotypical “deal with the Devil” kind of way. A Dealmaker will either seek out or accidentally find a Glitch- If the Glitch thinks they are a worthwhile investment, or just cute and charismatic enough, they might not eat them on the spot!- and they play a game. Usually a game of chance like Poker or Rock Paper Scissors (Russian Roulette is also a very common one), but there is technically nothing stopping a Dealmaker from playing Fortnite for their soul.

If the Dealmaker wins they control the terms of the deal, (how much the Glitch can use them for energy, what abilities they get in return etc.) if the Glitch does then they control it. Having a deal completely dictated by the Glitch is not good, because a Dealmaker can write in “do not kill me”, but a Glitch is not likely to share the sentiment. After the deal is made the Glitch will feed off of the Dealmaker and will have pretty much complete control of their life (If they want it) and the Dealmaker will have magic and their lifespan will be extended to match their Glitch. Not all Glitch and Dealmaker relationships are bad, but it is very easy to spawn absolutely horrid and toxic relationships of all kind. Also, Dealmakers can technically back out of a deal, but they run the risk of the Glitch just killing them the moment the stop being useful/protected. Ranboo is a very… docile Glitch, aka. One of very few who don’t make deals and don’t eat Dealmakers (if he can avoid it) whereas Tubbo is a very independent Dealmaker, one of the first to get to 900 levels without a deal.

Your questions are the highlight of my day so far :D I love explaining highly specific au lore.

#9l asks

[navegandoaciegas]

Maneater Writing Challenge

(gif not mine, found of Pinterest)

Hello everyone! I hope you’re doing great!!

In honor of the upcoming Hot Girls Summer, and of me hitting 2.6k followers here on Tumblr, I wanted to host a smut writing challenge with the topic of “Maneaters”, aka fem doms.

FemDom is a large term that includes many different kind of dominant women. It originates in the BDSM community and it indicates activities and relationships where the female partner is in charge. There’s different type of femdoms, for example the gentle kind that combines sexual dominance with nurturing elements (example: mommy kink), or the more widely known dominatrix kind that enjoys dominating in a cruel, strict way.

Fem!Dom readers x Sub!Male character is a pretty rare trope in the Marvel fandom, but I hope that by hosting this challenge I will inspire more people to write this type of content.

Let’s go over the boring rules before we can get to the fun stuff:

You can write for any characters played by Sebastian Stan (ex. Bucky Barnes, Lee Bodecker...) or Chris Evans (Steve Rogers, Andy Barber). Any other Marvel character, like Sam Wilson, is also fine.

The story must be a reader insert (character x reader). So no OC’s and no character x character. Poly and multiple characters x reader is fine to me.

The closing date is September 9th, my birthday! No pressure if you can’t get it done by then.

You must be 18+ to participate.

No word limit, but please use ‘read more’ if your story is longer than 250 characters.

Due to the nature of the challenge, all stories must include smut. You can make it nsfw of any kind, as any genre is welcome: fluff, angst, dark (dub-con, non-con), hurt/comfort.

Any AU, trope and kink is welcome except: scat, snuff, gore, underage, bestiality.

Send me an ask or a dm with the prompts you’ve chosen. Choose at least one. You can pick as many as you want from all categories. No limits of # people per prompt.

I’m going to reblog and comment each story I get, and I will eventually create a masterlist with all the submissions I get.

If you have any doubts, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

I picked over 50 prompts in total, so I hope you’ll find at least one that will inspire your creativity.

The prompts are listed below the cut.

Lyrics (You can use the whole song or the lyrics I selected as inspo):

Maneater by Nelly Furtado: I wanna see you all on your knees, knees, you either wanna be with me or be me. Maneater, make you work hard, make you spend hard, make you want all of her love.

Bubblegum Bitch by Marina and the Diamonds: Candy bear, sweetie pie, wanna be adored, I'm the girl you'd die for. I'll chew you up and I'll spit you out, 'cause that's what young love is all about. So pull me closer and kiss me hard, I'm gonna pop your bubblegum heart.

How to be a Heartbreaker by Marina and the Diamonds: Rule number one, is that you gotta have fun, but baby when you're done, you gotta be the first to run. Rule number two, just don't get attached to somebody you could lose.

CryBaby by Megan Thee Stallion: Uh, his friends and his dad hate me (yeah), I broke his lil' heart, he a crybaby

Heart of Glass by Blondie: Once I had a love and it was divine, soon found out I was losing my mind. It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind. Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind.

Daisy by Ashnikko: Make your man call me daddy, he talk too much, he's too chatty.

Get on your knees by Nicki Minaj: You gotta beg for it, beg for it, I wanna see you lookin' up. Baby I'ma need you to beg, beg beg for it. Get on your knees, get on your knees, get on your knees.

Poker Face by Lady Gaga: Russian roulette is not the same without a gun. And baby, when it's love, if it's not rough, it isn't fun.

Prompts

Mommy kink

Dacryphila

Gagged and Bound

Anal Plugs

Chastity belts

Humiliation

Degradation

Omorashi

Body Worship

Loss of Virginity (Virgin Character)

Innocence Kink

Corruption Kink

Men wearing panties and stockings

Faceriding

Cuckolding

Revenge/Makeup sex

House Husband kink

Mistress kink

Pegging

Lactation/Breastfeeding kink

Breeding kink

“How quick can you make me cum?”

“I’m not touching you unless you beg me to.”

“Bad boys don’t get to cum.”

“Take it.”

“Please, mommy.”

“You look so pretty on your knees.”

“I like men better when they shut the fuck up.”

“Did that hurt? (...) Good, because it was meant to.”

“Keep making those noises for me, baby.”

“You’re not coming unless I say so.”

“You’re in so much trouble, baby boy.”

“Should've thought about it before you decided to piss me off.”

“Jealousy looks great on you.”

“I’ll be so good to you.”

“I’m yours, all yours.”

“Please, gimme more.”

“So fucking tight.”

“You’re such a pathetic little slut.”

“Look at you, drooling all over yourself.”

Situations (You don’t have to use these, but I thought I could give you some extra inspiration):

Jealous reader shows character who he belongs to;

Reader pegs the ‘_’ (insert whatever annoying behavior you want) out of the character;

Reader cucks disobedient character;

Character surprises the reader with a maid costume;

Reader makes character wear a sex toy (anal plug, vibrating panties, chastity belt) in a public setting;

Seemingly innocent and sweet reader surprises character with a kinky side;

Seemingly kinky and experienced character reveals a soft, innocent interior;

Reader gets revenge on her cheating partner;

Reader verbally humiliates the character;

Character accidentally call the reader “mommy” in the middle of sex;

Yandere!Reader is obsessed with character;

Yandere!Reader thinks that the character is cheating on her with another woman.

Tagging some writers who may be interested. Please don’t feel pressured to join.

@buckycuddlebuddy @msmarvelwrites @sweeterthanthis @whateveriwant @imanuglywombat @nsfwsebbie @jtargaryen18 @jobean12-blog @world-of-aus @river-soul @buckyownsmylife @burnthematches @sherrybaby14 @sinner-as-saint @kleohoneyao3 @literate-lamb @candy-and-writing @cap-n-stuff @docharleythegeekqueen @darkficsyouneveraskedfor @honeyloverogers @honeygingergemini @fafulous @foxgloveprincess @giorno-plays-piano @gotnofucks @gogolucky13 @cherienymphe @mcudarklibrary @emilykjh @overr-written @teamcap4bucky @threeminutesoflife @iraot @sebbysbaby @propertyofpoeandbucky @hailmary-yramliah @cryptidcasanova @asadmarveltrashbag @angrythingstarlight

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #steve rogers x reader #andy barber x reader #stucky x reader #writing challenge

[non-sequitura]

Sequitura’s guide to Kpop if for some reason you want to get into it

(Not recommended, the fandom culture is insane, though there are some nice songs)

These are songs that I really liked on the first listen and continue to like. Some songs take a while to grow on me, like “TT” by Twice. Those aren’t on this list.

They're not my top 100 - those would be too particular to my tastes and I tried to cover a range of musical styles.

* means that the song is a b-side (not the primary promoted song in an album) and thus probably doesn’t have a music video.

Oh My Girl (cheerful group with KILLER catchy melodies)  -Windy Day -Dolphin -Coloring Book -Closer -(optional listening) Secret Garden if you really liked Closer -(optional listening) Nonstop if you like catchy dance tunes, but after some of their really good stuff it'll pale in comparison. It's good gateway Oh My Girl, though.

Blackpink (they do a lot of hype songs; cool vocal colors; actually not bad rapping for kpop) -As If It's Your Last -Playing With Fire -Lovesick Girls

f(x) (experimental girl pop) -Rum Pum Pum -Nu Abo

KARA (exhilarating dance tunes) -Step

Brown-Eyed Girls (they've covered pretty much every genre at this point, but boundary-pushing is their main theme) -Kill Bill -(optional listening) Abracadabra (not personally my thing, but the EDM bassline was super fresh at the time and still is) -(optional listening) Warm Hole (really catchy 60s-esque bop)

Taeyeon (former main singer in Girl’s Generation) -4 Seasons -(optional listening) Spark (not the greatest song in the world, but the lead-in to the chorus is great.)

T-ara (ridiculously cheesy dance tunes) -Roly Poly -Sugar Free -(optional listening) Lovey Dovey (if you loved Roly Poly)

Mamamoo (originally jazz, now... something else) -Piano Man -Um Oh Ah Yeah -(optional listening) Woo Hoo (the harmonies will blow your mind) -(optional listening) Decalcomanie (GREAT for early 2000s rock Amy Winehouse-esque fans. I'm only mildly a fan of that style, but even I can admit the vocal pyrotechnics are incredible.) -(optional listening) Pride of 1cm (a rap diss track about each other’s heights) -(optional listening) Girl Crush (HEY YOUUUU)

Spica (sadly short-lived group that was *really* musical; did jazz authentically and well) -You Don’t Love Me

IU (soloist whose style has run the gamut, but she mostly writes her own music, now.) -Eight -The Red Shoes -Blueming -23

AOA (originally a band concept who came back with uh... sexy, which isn’t a genre, but they still have good songs) -Heart Attack -(optional listening) Like a Cat -(optional listening) Elvis

Wonder Girls (retro who came back with a band concept) -Why So Lonely

Sunmi (her stuff can take a while to get under your skin. It’s quite dark under the surface, which I like.) -Heroine -Pporippipam -(optional listening) 24 Hours -(optional viewing) Noir, for the music video mainly

Yubin (former rapper for Wonder Girls) -Lady -Thank U Soooo Much

Girl’s Generation AKA SNSD (one of the original icons. You won’t find a more polished group anywhere.) -Paparazzi -(optional listening) Lion Heart (for those who love the 60s sound)

BoA (original soloist icon. Watch her dance and sing live.) -Mannish Chocolat -(optional listening) Woman

Itzy (currently conquering the “teen rebels” genre) -Wannabe -Don’t Give a What -(optional listening) Icy (it’s divisive, but personally I find the attitude super charming and the instrumental fresh and unique rather than irritating.)

Red Velvet (have some great RnB songs, as well as some lovely summer ones, as well as some “lol wut” ones) -Psycho -You Better Know* -Body Talk* -(optional listening) Russian Roulette (slightly off-kilter pop song and catchy af) -(optional listening) Look* (AMAZING 80s throwback) -(optional listening) Swimming Pool* (one of those super cheesy pop songs that becomes transdescent in the chorus) -(optional listening) Sassy Me* (this song is crazy) -(optional listening) Mr. E* (if you loved You Better Know) -(optional listening) Sunny Side Up* (if you loved Body Talk and Psycho)

2NE1 (one of the first “badass”-themed girl groups.) -I Am the Best -Fire -(optional listening) I Don’t Care (tackling slow/emotional)

Hyuna (a great performer who sells any song she’s in) -Trouble Maker -365 Fresh -Bubble Pop

CLC (they’ve unfortunately probably broken up now. Super talented group who’s bounced from genre to genre trying to get something to stick, leaving bops along the way.) -Pepe -Show* -No

Weki Meki (they’re slowly finding their niche, which is likely to be smooth club stuff) -Crush -(optional listening) Cool (I recommend watching their relay dance/dance practices and giving Lua some attention)

BOL4 (“indie”-ish band; not a big fan of most of their stuff) -Travel (but they did strike addictive gold when they went more rock)

Gfriend (Strings, guitar, and some of the best/most consistent vocalists in kpop right now) -Navillera -Mago

Dreamcatcher (a very unique, metal-influenced sound. Amazing dancing. Probably supported by the most humane company in kpop right now.) -Scream -Over the Sky* -Black or White* -(optional listening) And There Was No One Left* (idk why but this one hits me. It’s so sparse and yet makes you feel so disconcerted.) -(optional listening) Silent Night* (if you like the musical aesthetics of the song “Everytime We Touch”) -(optional listening) Can’t Get You Out of My Mind* (if you liked Silent Night)

Twice (“The Nation’s Girl Group”) -Fancy (kind of the only song of theirs that I adore; ask me for more recs if you really like them.)

Ailee (known as the Beyonce of Korea) -I Will Show You (an unironic “yasss” song) -Heaven (gee, this song is sad but never lets up with the power vocals as well, which I think works better than a straight-up slow ballad)

Loona (I don’t really click with them, but a few songs have hit me first listen) -Voice* (it sounds like a beautiful, brisk skate across a mile-long lake) -New (by Yves – it’s super flowy) -ViViD (by Heejin – I love sassy swing tunes what can I say) -(optional listening) Heart Attack primarily for the music video

EXID (power vocals + brass + hip-hop? I don’t really get it tbh but good singing can sell me anything.) -Ah Yeah

After School (I don’t know this group but this song is a bop. Might be one of my top 20 favorites of all time and I only heard it yesterday.) -Bang!

Sunny Hill (very unique social commentary music) -Pray (warning: one of the most disturbing music videos I’ve ever seen, but definitely worth a watch if you have a strong stomach) -The Grasshopper Song (music video is nicer)

(now we move into territory with guys in it. I personally think male artists in Korea release fewer great songs than female artists, beccause the general trend is to be “dark” or “moody” compared to the more melodic trends in female groups. If you like strong choreography or braggadocio vibes, though, you’ll probably like them better.)

AKMU (singer-songwriter sibling pair and probably my favorite composers in Korea right now.) -Dinosaur -How People Move -(optional listening) Happening (somehow gives coffee shop music a driving rhythm) -(optional listening) Like Ga Na Da (this is a song about the alphabet. It is still insanely catchy.) -(optional listening) Melted (sad ballad)

TXT (this group has other songs, but I don’t like any of them nearly as much.) -Runaway (like the classic boy group sound set on fire. A really nice pre-chorus of all things. Love the guitar.)

Ateez (they might become the next BTS; not sure.) -Wonderland (like... pirate hip hop/rock. Watch with choreography.) -Wave (a surprisingly potent summer song) -(optional listening) Say My Name

Shinee (some of the most talented dudes in kpop) -Lucifer (probably the only kpop song to pull off a one-note chorus well. Sounds like it was produced by people who evolved in a different universe.) -View (super smooth, groovy deep house song.)

Oneus (their good stuff goes hard) -A Song Written Easily -Valkyrie

Stray Kids (don’t know the group; song is great) -Miroh

A.C.E. (one of the only kpop groups doing hardstyle and surprisingly enough, I like it.) -Goblin -Cactus

Seventeen (don’t really know the group; song is great) -Mansae

-1/6/21

#blog #non-sequitura-blog #list #1/6/21 #january 2021 #2021 #longform

[irelise]

Fic “Behind the Scenes” - Alex Rider

Trying to dip my toes back into writing, so I thought I’d ramble about some fics I’ve already written! This started off as ranting about my title choice and how they’re usually Final Fantasy XIV songs I butcher in order to forcibly fit the fic, but it expanded into musings about things that didn’t make the cut into the final fic, and potential sequels/things that happen down the line.

Just doing Alex Rider fics for now since that’s my current active fandom, but drop me an ask if there are any fics you’re especially interested in from any fandom!

Starting off with: Time (2368 words, gen, Alex & Yassen focused) aka my untagged Inception-flavoured AU where the plot twist was that it was a dream all along That said, this title was probably one of the easiest to come up with and was obviously from the main theme of Inception, Time! Which is fantastic like the whole movie aaaa i love Inception AUs and this fic is probably the one I’m most likely to expand into longfic if I dredge up the motivation from somewhere. It would be a mission style fic, possibly a heist, where Alex and Yassen are seemingly working together in order to steal some valuable intel from another group. Of course, it’s all a dream! Through copious dream symbolism and mind fuckery the real mission was set up by MI6 for Alex to extract intel from Yassen, who by this point is steadily losing his grip on dreams and reality after months, possibly years, spent under sedation.

Yassen has a few tricks up his sleeve, though. He’s aware that he’s (probably) dreaming and he can see the fractures in Alex’s resolve after such a long time of being used and manipulated by MI6. It would only take a little nudge to get Alex to defect -- or, at the very least, to escape.

So while Alex is busy trying to extract information from Yassen, Yassen is trying to do the opposite: inception.

The rest below cut for length and also because they’re nsfw since most of my writing was for the kink meme! Warning for general fucked-upness and unhealthy relationships

at the end, on a dusty road  (8154 words, Yassen/Alex) aka the reputation sabotage fic, aka where’s part 3b?!

Title from Origa’s Polyushka Polye:

The wind scatters your brave songs Across the green field. Songs of the past, Leaving them alone with your glory, And right at the end, on a dusty road…

i just wanted something wistful and Russian about past soldiers and fading glory ok....... I came pretty close to titling the fic leaving them alone with your past glory but decided it didn’t make much sense out of context.

ANYWAY my first Yalex fic! Very much inspired by a hodgepodge of comments on Discord about how MI6 would react if they ever saw Yassen paying Alex visits in the middle of the night - “Could they be exchanging information?” “The whole night? Maybe the answer is something more obvious...”

ANYWAY the ending at the moment is pretty open - there’s two main ways I see it going:

1) Yassen comes back shortly afterwards, realises he had fucked up colossally, stays and helps Alex rebuild even though Alex (very justifiably) no longer trusts him. Very slow reconciliation and healing but ultimately happy ending.

2) aka the one where I broke Nanibun’s shipper heart over Discord: Alex and Yassen eventually reunite, but it isn’t until years later, when Alex is nearing middle age and Yassen has faded into obscurity. Alex managed to pick up the pieces of his life and even moved on properly from MI6, and now lives a fulfilling life. Married, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, the whole lot. So what if his marriage is more for partnership than for love? He’s content with the direction his life had taken and has strong ties to his community. He even managed to forgive Yassen, even though it took him a long time.

He and Yassen meet for the last time in a sunlit cafe in spring. Alex looks at Yassen and sees only a stranger with lines crinkling under his eyes.Yassen is getting old, he realizes. He thinks he should be happy that Yassen even had the chance to get old, but all he feels is relief that their paths had diverged. Alex is done with that life and he can never trust Yassen again. All that old passion had burned away to nothing, not even a flickering flame. Even though the initial parting had been painful, Alex had managed to find peace long ago, and he hopes Yassen will be able to do the same. But it's a distant, unemotional hope, the sort of hope you'd have for a distant acquaintance you haven't seen in years. The type of well wishes that are etiquette more than actual sentiment.

He's glad when their drinks are finished and Yassen melts away into the chattering springtime crowd, one final dangling chapter of his life closed at last.

.

...............or, 3) Alex throws himself into increasingly dangerous situations in an attempt to feel something and dies young.

(part 3b is coming someday i swear! it’s the alternate path where Yassen has second thoughts, tells Alex the truth, and doesn’t send the sex tape to MI6)

---

Lemniscate  (3562 words, Julia Rothman/Yassen) Not a whole lot to say about this one, except after I finished I realised it was really similar to another fic I previously wrote which also involved a young man desperate to reinvent himself completely being taken advantage of by his superior............ i have a Type

Title - I was jamming out to Locus while writing this which is a song all about an inability to escape from cycles - When fighting back right out of this system/Means falling back right into this space ; When falling back is better than simply/Falling back into pieces again  - but it was long and unwieldy so I thought about shortening it to Moebius but that was a bit overdone... In the end I settled with Lemniscate which is also an infinity symbol, Moebius-like shape. Mostly it’s a reference to how Yassen never quite breaks free of his “cycle” even though he’s with Scorpia now - he was Sharkovsky’s slave and bedwarmer and...now he plays basically the same role for Julia Rothman. (Just with a bit more murder and moral erosion!)

---

This probably needs a special content warning - major character death (gun suicide from the second Russian roulette scene), gore, necrophilia

closing the circle (3650 words, John Rider & Yassen) aka is it still a gen fic if there’s offscreen necrophilia?

This was originally written for a kink meme prompt for corpse mutilation + necrophilia but then the John and Yassen plot thread kind of took over and I never actually ended up writing the gory stuff oops since it was too out of place compared to the rest. So everything below can be considered not “canon” since the fic diverged so heavily from its original plan (which is why the section numbers skip around - I cut out Yassen’s bits). But if you’re curious, here’s the details for what I originally planned to happen to Yassen (well, his corpse) and the Sharkovsky family, copy-pasted straight from my notes and full of as much karma as I could stuff in:

Yassen’s death, Sharkovsky shoves his fingers in the bullet hole and spits on the body in disgust. Yassen regains consciousness halfway through this; he can feel what Sharkovsky is doing

Ivan comes running in, attracted by the sound of the gunshot. Sharkovsky tells him to do what he likes with the body as long as it’s disposed of in the end. Necrophilia scene? Afterwards Ivan disposes of the body by locking it in the cellar alone with the Dalmatian for a few days

Yassen starts getting his revenge. Ivan is the first to go when he comes to let the Dalmatian out – the Dalmatian savages him and tears out his throat before it’s finally shot. Yassen’s bones get buried along with the Dalmatian. Ivan’s body is kept in the cold storage room in the basement where they kept the old food taster’s body while they decide what to do with him.

Maya, Sharkovsky’s wife, is next. She passes away in the middle of the night. Sharkovsky wakes up next to a cooling corpse.

There are whispers that there is some sort of curse. One of the maids talk about finding blood on the carpet of Sharkovsky’s study. She’s the next to disappear. Some other workers stop turning up.

Finally it’s Sharkovsky’s turn. He dies of poison. The dacha burns down that same night.

A Scorpia agent was sent to tie up loose ends (Scorpia didn’t know Sharkovsky is already dead); Yassen kills him too. He has no loyalty to Scorpia and just wants to be left alone.

Hunter is sent to investigate. He and Yassen talk, in the end, Hunter invites Yassen to come with him, Yassen agrees. But when they leave the dacha and Hunter looks back, he finds that Yassen is gone.

And an excerpt:

Yassen is dead. He does not remember dying. There are some things the human mind tries to shield itself from, and the memory of a bullet traveling through bone and brain to erupt on the other side in a shower of gore is one of those things.

Yassen is dead. He had hoped death would mean oblivion. At his most naïve and optimistic, he had hoped death would mean reunion. Happiness. A return to simpler days.

He discovers, instead, that death is not so different from life, except he is even more powerless now than before.

There is a body on the floor of Sharkovsky’s study. Its hair had once been pale white-blond, but now it is matted with coagulating blood. That same blood spreads in a dark pool against the carpet, clotting the fibres together into ugly clumps, stiff and flaking. The fire in the hearth is still burning sullenly. Its light glistens against the grotesque strands of viscera splattered against the ground, the furniture, the wall. A round hole had been punched into the side of the corpse’s head, piercing bone and brain. That was how the man who had once been Yassen Gregorovich had killed himself. The fingers of the corpse remain loosely curled around the old-fashioned revolver that had been the instrument of death.

The only living person in the room rises slowly from his wheelchair. Sharkovsky’s skeletal face is twisted into an ugly grimace of anger. He totters over to the corpse, nudging it with the tip of one polished leather shoe. “Waste of time,” he says coldly. “Ruining a perfectly good carpet, and for what?”

In a sudden fit of temper, he lashes out with a kick. Once, it would have been strong enough to break several ribs (Yassen knows from intimate experience). Now, the corpse merely flops limply to one side. It incenses Sharkovsky further. He drops heavily to his knees, breathing harshly, and backhands the corpse across the face with one shaking hand.

#fandom: alex rider #My writing #meta

[dreamdilddy]

favorite moments this grump stream aka the Steam Trainwreck™ stream

me literally missing the first few minutes because I was in the wrong stream

getting to the RIGHT stream and seeing that they didn’t have the chapters downloaded for king’s quest so I didn’t miss anything anyway 👉😎👉

this whole instagram live situation while they wait for the game to download 

DogFilter!Dan

“Did you know how sexy you were going?”

“YEET...that’s what the kids are saying.”

“Are You ready for some extreme vore?”

whatever this was

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHERFUCKE- can we curse on this stream?”

“MOTHER BRING ME MY CELEBRETORY DIAPER...it’s time for the stream.”

them having to go into their settings like 5 minutes into the stream to turn off the friend requests lmfaO

them singing happy brithday to Hannah so passionately and her just being like "so you're gonna wanna go into preferences and turn them off in there"

"she looks like a Steve"

"until the sacred silence of the BIG sleep"

(grandpa voice) "did you know when you die you poop your pants? get my death diaper"

"ooooh, so I just needed some Thicc Boii Juice™."

"we just drank each other's thicc boii juice"

"they're so small, why can't I just break their necks?"

"Oh, they killed themselves." "Cool!"

"oh wow, is this like a thicc boii juice cave?"

"we might be playing the ultimate game, Russian Roulette, where we hunt the ultimate game: maaaan."

"aw he's cute! crush him. and take the meat."

"if they die its on you, not me" "way to absolve yourself completely of responsibility" "well that's how I got away with murder" "...what?"

"score one for fuck you!"

Dan referring to Ross as "dog" unironically...more than once .

the majesticles

Ross and Dan sharing their sweet little moment

"where do we get more meat?" "put up a Craigslist ad for more thicc boii juice"

"if wearing dumb hats made you a good cook, I would have been one a long time ago"

"won't that mean people will die?" "people die everyday, Ross."

"are you going to super mega drunk drawing love?" "I will be there to give them a cease and desist letter for stealing doodle doods. hope you guys will be there to watch me sue them there live on stage"

"just reminding me that the dragon's there and waiting to give me a little kiss"

(voice cracking) "crank that Soulja boy"

"it's like the...big bang bazinga bing bong"

"okay...knob-" "don't call me that."

"Hey ross...time to crank that Soulja Boy"

"alright well he's dead. steal his potted plant"

"I'm gonna yeet my meat"

(exasperated sigh, quietly) "goddammit, Ross." "DON'T SAY THAT"

"I swear to god if Mr. Fancycakes dies in vein I'm going to go...apeshit."

"into the mic, hannah." (gets really close) "can we even finish this after Ross killed everybody?"

"I wanna be sucking on those tendies"

"someone asked me via Instagram if someone who raises chickens is a real life chicken tender"

"if it's only half a chicken tender does that make it a strip tease?"

a nice cheeky restart

SPEEDRUN

"who was the one who was a furry for bowser?" "doesn't that technically make you a scaley?" "a scaley?"

"okaywe'regonnaplaythegamewe'renotgonnatalkaboutfurries!"

"but the happiness you give me is priceless <3...also Ross get your shit together."

everyone yelling because Ross went to bed by accident instead of trying to save the people lmfaO

"are you sure you want to- (save the goat over the two people?)"

"spoiler everyone. miss bramble is pregnant...so obviously we're gonna save the goat." (this KILLED me)

"it's okay, their bodies will provide a lot of meat for the goat"

"we'll be back when the goat is thriving and that woman is digesting her unborn baby for sustenance"

"all aboard the Steam Trainwreck"

#game grumps #gg #this shit was so funny #i loved it so much #it was so relaxing too #grump stream #9/22/18

[igarbagecannoteven]

okay hello! doing a hard procrastination of my project rn, so here are randomly selected questions. i did not look at the list, this is the best way. 2, 25, 34, 61, 79, 114. wait and 150 because i like that one. love you! xoxo bella

hiya! love you lots thanks for sending these in i love russian roulette q's

2. are you outgoing or shy? i'm generally more shy than outgoing, mostly bc of the Troubles (aka anxiety lol)

25. what part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? idk if it counts but probably my face :(( i feel weird (negative) about my facial expressions & general face shape and also near-constant acne is not helping matters

34. do you play sports? what sports? i play mind-games with superpowerful aliens that are trying to invade planet earth and these mental gymnastics are the only things keeping them from invading earth. other than that no.

61. been suspended/expelled? for what? not yet, but i've still got a year, so who knows!

79. what color shirt are you wearing? it's mainly white with a stained glass window-esque circle in the middle that has the words "share the earth" repeatedly written around the circumference

114. have you ever been out of your province/state? i spend a lot of my time outside of my state since i got to college out of state (as you know lol) also i've moved states and left the country multiple times (totally not for secret spy reasons) so yes!

150. get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what's the first line on that page? the book is wonderbook: the illustrated guide to creating imaginative fiction by jeff vandermeer, and the first full sentence on pg. 42 is: "Fiction ranges from megafaun--like novels--all the way down to practically microscopic life forms like flash fiction."

hella cute questions time!

#soz most of these are ones you already know #but still fun to answer! #i really like wonderbook it's one of my favorite books on writing probably #and not just bc of all the cool illustrations and diagrams lol #ugh i haven't written yet today i need to do that #*sigh* #why are we here? just to suffer? every day i have obligations #i also need to do laundry desperately but part of me wants to just push it off another day since i'm feeling a little lump-ish #we'll see #roomie <3 #answering mail

[horrorinreallife]

Horrifying.

Dam.

Lol, that’s a play on words. I mean Damn!

Ok, this is on my horror blog but it could very well be crossposted on my quadcitycrossfitter.tumblr.com blog. Maybe I’ll post it there too. Who is even looking at this.

Probably this horror one is more appropriate though, because, well, if you’re reading it and you think it sucks, well, you did that to yourself.

Ok.

So, I think it would be horrifying to be able to predict your own death. Yeah, you could just kill yourself, but that would take so much of the “fun” (i.e. inconvenience) out of escaping a serial killer if you ever got the chance.

Also, cereal killers are to generally be avoided, too, depending on how much of a shallow asshole you are. As a former cereal killer we can be EXREMELY sensitive and easily damaged. And the funny thing about being a former cereal killer is that you learn from your experience and if someone is too rough and tumble you are most likely going to want to get the fuck away from them because why put yourself through any kind of stupid emotional rollercoaster that would send you back to Lucky Charms.

#luckisnotathingunlessyoureastupiddrunkirishperson

By ‘cereal killer’ I am referring to a fat person.

Anyway, I am definitely dying of diabetes.

It is honestly some kind of mystical and magical yet completely unexplainable happenstance that I’ve not kicked the bucket yet.

Seriously.

Dead serious.

If you are a stupid fat American and force-fed yourself into diabetes numero dos like I did, “intermittent fasting” which puts your body into ketosis (just for those in the back of the room, that is AKA anorexia) actually does wonders, depending.

Let me explain:

TyPe OnE and tYpE tWo DiAbEtEs ArE dIfFeReNt!

If you have type uno and you want to dabble in the ketogenic arts, you’re playing Russian Roulette.

Ketosis is a state of fat loss the body enters in the absence of sugar. It’s actually a pretty fucking good place to be for a lot of other health conditions. I’m not going to get into all that right now because you’ll appreciate it more if you go reasearch it yourself.

Diabetic Ketoacodosis is what happens if you have type one and you pull that keto bullshit. You gone get burned and by burned I mean you will most likely die.

To Recap:

Type One: Do not eat a true ketogenic diet unless you are suicidal.

Type Two: Go to fucking town you fat piece of shit. You won’t have the will power. I can write that because that is literally what I told myself to really get my ass in gear. At a certain point get assistance with your eating disorder though unless you are having other extenuating circumstances that are preventing you from eating. Always deal with those first.

Oh! And if you’re a:

“OMG I am vegan or I am gluten free. Help me do keto too!”

Unless you ACTUALLY have celiac disease, you are vegan for some kind of stupid or health bullshit reason I don’t care about, or part of some religious cult that doesn’t make any sense (omg we don’t eat this animal or this animal for this reason - learn food safety or open up your mind to other cultures, otherwise stop whining about it unless you can make me laugh, god. damn.), SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

If you have celiac disease and you are a diabetic, depending on the type, good luck. Just kidding. Type 2 would actually balance itself out with a proper ketogenic diet but type 1 means you’re gonna have a bad time.

[lifeofgroffsauce]

Subject: Life Update (AKA Jon Spills His Soul)

June 25th, 2018. *Email contains TWs*

Today was the Mondayest of all Mondays. I got sunburned yesterday at Pride (super fun by the way, always recommend. Pride, not the scorched skin.) Really wasn't planning on going anywhere today. Our flight got in at 2 this morning, which was pretty rough. Probably should’ve planned that spontaneous trip to Cali better, but then it wouldn’t have been spontaneous now would it. Uh, I slept in until 8, if you could, on any level, call that sleeping in. Something I overheard yesterday kind of stuck with me in a negative way. I ran into (okay, more like eavesdropped onto) a group of gay men conversing about bisexual men. They were super insistent that there’s no satisfying a bisexual man because they always crave women. I know you know where this is going so yeah, bare with me. It’s so stupid; it even sounds just idiotic, because how can you shame an entire sexuality for the wrongs of a few people. I know it’s not logical. I know, I know, I know. It triggered this... I’m not even sure what to call it. Insecurity maybe? Naturally, the smallest of shit just exacerbated it. I got into a disagreement with my boyfriend over lube. Aloe as lube (which has a consistency akin to vaginal fluids (I’m sorry, even more sorry for brackets in brackets) so that just, BAD ). Specifically, him using it when he topped (dominated, if you’re not familiar) me. He didn’t want to and it fucking spiraled into this even bigger thing where my brain did that awesome cute thing of not shutting the fuck up. I didn’t even want him to touch me. How is that possible? How does it make sense? It’s so frustrating because I know it doesn’t. He started getting moody (I think) and for some reason that made me want to fuck him but- let’s put it this way: I’m finally seeing those side effects of Lexapro. As if I don’t already feel comfortable with my body, the one aspect I’ve never complained about doesn’t work. To top all of it off, I received an email from my agent that says filming for one of my projects has been moved up to August. The producers were talking about pushing this out until November, now it’s August? That’s less than six weeks away. I’m so fucking worried. I’m unfathomably worried that this is too soon to leave my boyfriend. I already know I’m going to miss so much: he’s having another baby in a few months (I can already imagine the new-baby-bonding with his not-even-ex wife he’s going to do), his third to accompany his two other small sons, one of which is still basically a newborn too. I’m going to miss out on these big stepping stones (there’s a better phrase out there, I’m adamant about it but don’t care enough to seek it; jk we both know I’ll get to the end of this and be anxious and not send this email if I don’t find it). WAIT, milestones! That’s the word. Including my commentary because I know how much you enjoy my psyche’s crisis. Um, yeah. I’m going to miss everything; I’ll be continents away in an entirely different time zone, filming a depressing fucking tv show, all alone; with the exception of my ex-boyfriend (who has been weirdly appropriate with me. Are you tired of all my notes in brackets yet?) Everything in my head is screaming it’s a bad idea: leaving. I can’t stay though; like, I can’t back out of this project. Papers have already been signed, the cast is locked in, and I’ve already removed myself from two other projects. It won’t look good on my theatre sheet/‘filmography’ to have that little *incomplete* red mark. To add (lol didn’t I already say thing or something? Fuck it, let’s keep rolling): Jesus Christ, my niece Camden has been so salty lately. She’s feeling so left out since I moved, but it’s not like I’m ten minutes away anymore and I can just easily pick her up. That little girl is my heart and soul; I’d never intentionally hurt her yet, here she is. Declining to spend the night or even hang out because she doesn’t get “all of me”. You have a daughter; what would you do with that one? Right, can’t make it personal. Sorry. Which, I think it super ironic when you think about how your patients (clients?) spill their motherfucking guts out on the ugly commercial carpet of your office (sorry if you chose it, so sorry!) and you’re not supposed to share much in return. My pop texted me to see if I was still coming to my parents’ wedding anniversary party, with my boyfriend. This will be the first time he’s meeting my dad, and the first time any significant other of mine will be meeting the rest of my PA family/friends. I don’t worry about Lin at all- he’s fucking amazing with people, and so, so charming. Jesus, does he have a way with words. Before this turns into a weird, unfulfilling love letter to him, let’s refocus. I don’t want to think about the way my father is going to look at me, at us, as a couple, together. Me, with another man. I’m still reeling over the last glance that seemed to scream, “ew, my son’s gay.” You know how people say things like, “Your parents love you unconditionally; they would never change a thing about you”? That’s definitely not true in my case, and I can feel it every time we’re alone. When we’re joking or talking, it’s cool, but then... then, there’s a silence that sets my teeth on edge and he acknowledges we’re not the same. Not that we were ever supposed to be but, I don’t even think I’m explaining this right, now. When I was a teenager (I know I’ve told you about this), a story came out on the local news about two homosexual men being wrongly jailed for a crime they didn’t commit. While awaiting trial, they were raped and beaten by a gaggle of bigger prison guys. Apparently it was so brutal they required stitching, to which the inmates tore out and repeated the first occurrence. Awesome, right. It’s forever burned in my mind what he said, because I know he wasn’t meaning to be cruel or callous but the words just came out. “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone but if anyone would like it, God knows it would be those sissies. That’s what they all want anyway.” Followed by, “Sodomy is sodomy; they shouldn’t complain.” Every time I’m at my parents house, my brother Dave is amazing at swooping in to provide this phenomenal (majorly liberal) support system. He really pushes to educate my parents and not leave an older generation in the dark. I have to admit, he’s worked wonders with them, on so many different topics. That one though. I just think he looks at me and wishes so badly I was hetero. He’d sell his soul just to watch me marry Lea, I’m sure. Wow, my “just” count is insane but, no editing. Rolling with it; thoughts as they come. TLDR; I just feel like I’m disappointing everyone, or if I haven’t already, I’m going to. I fucking shouldn’t, I know that I’m thirty-three and still waiting for my parents approval is so goddamn old. It doesn’t mean anything though. Regardless, I’m waiting for the ball to drop, and I’m not sure the meds are helping. I haven’t been hyperventilating or had an actual attack but I still feel the anxiety. It feels like a harsh hand around my throat that makes it hard to breathe but I always somehow manage to catch my breath; that must be the drugs. I’m shocked I haven’t once mentioned how huge and disproportionate my thighs looked in every pair of baggy sweatpants and basketball shorts I tried on today. There’s one. It’s so exhausting to even try to talk about, or convey through here. You know the drill: thought about it for hours, picked at my food, maaaay have googled ‘things to eat for slim thighs’. Definitely did. At this point in life... I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Between typing out sentences of this email, I stopped to try to get hard (you’re getting the explicit, uncut version, sorry; also hi, wishful thinking) but all porn does is annoy me. I feel so wound up, anxious, and almost angry. Low-key (this is new generation talk for like, “kinda”, I think) want to just... cry. In conclusion: Jonathan feels all the things and I haven’t even told you half of it... believe it or not. I have a headache and this couch is hurting my neck. This is all you’re getting. Relief, right? You’re like, “Thank fucking god, Jon, you already sent me a Harry Potter novel. Let me respond then you may continue rattling on about your not-even-bad life you’re complaining about.” It really ISN’T bad, for the record. It’s not, at all. I’m just in my feelings and at the peak of frustration. Okay, done ranting. I think I feel better? I might not even send this. Let’s play russian roulette with the enter key. If you get this, thumbs up. If you don’t... I guess I won’t expect a reply. Thank you, always, for dealing with me. I’m sorry these thoughts couldn’t wait... three days. Face palm.

[Sent]

#project: emails to jon's therapist #001 #Jon's lack of formatting directly corresponds with his anxiety so that's fun #tws apply

[spookyscarydarky]

This may be weird and sudden, but when you find the time, maybe DarkYan New Years kiss? Happy New Years to you as well, and I wish you the best! :D

(i got home at around 4 and wrote this instead of sleeping, so i hoped it turned out alright :D! And Happy New Years to you too, let’s make this year positive and kick ass!) (ps also thank you for requesting DarkYan, it’s literally my OTP so writing this was a lot of fun!)

It was nearing midnight, and almost everyone was celebrating with alcohol and reckless abandonment.

Dark had chosen to stay sober tonight, knowing that a few them of them (aka Wilford) would get a little too chaotic.  Hell, he’s already had to stop the other from starting a game of Russian Roulette with Bing and Bim.  He can admit, however, that tonight was going a lot better than he had expected.

He was leaning against one of the walls in the common room that they’d decided to throw the party in, watching over everyone to make sure nobody did anything too stupid.  Some of the others would have considered this boring, but he was content where he was.  He was happy with just watching the others getting gradually intoxicated and careless; it kept him in control.

He’s pulled away from his thoughts when someone crashes into his body, arms wrapping tightly around his neck.  His arms automatically go around the person’s waist, and he smiles fondly when he sees that it’s Yanderiplier.  His little one, face flushed from alcohol and eyes sparkling with adoration and mischief.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself.” Dark smiles, reaching out a hand to brush the bangs away from Yan’s eyes.  The younger ego giggles happily at the affection and cuddles further into Dark’s chest.

“This party is perfect!  You should join us.” Yan beams at Dark, swaying a little to the beat of the music that’s playing in the background.  Dark tightens his hold on Yandere to make sure he’s stable; he knows Yan hasn’t drank too much (he’s been keeping an eye on him the entire time, just in case), but he’s always been overprotective of him.

“I’m okay here, love.  Don’t worry about me, go enjoy the party.” Dark responds, and Yan pouts playfully.

“I can’t enjoy the party if you’re not with me!  I’ll stay here with you.” Yan is smiling so brightly at Dark, and the older ego can feel his heart beating faster- because damnit, he’s fallen hard for this ego.  He remembers when Yandere had first appeared, naive and eager to please and impress Dark at any given chance.  He remembers being wary at first because here was this new, unstable ego who was obsessed with him from day one.  He remembers all those times Yan had forced himself into Dark’s life, despite everyone’s advice to stay away.

And he remembers falling in love with Yan…how the younger ego had managed to make him, the cold-hearted leader, fall in love was beyond him.

“Start the count down, boys!  One minute till midnight!” Wilford exclaims from across the room, a solo cup in his hand and his pocket knife in the other.  The others around the room begin to cheer, and Dark sees Google start the one minute timer they had prepared for this moment.

Yandere cheers with everyone else, bouncing up and down a little in his excitement.  Dark laughs fondly at his lover’s happiness, wanting nothing more than to keep Yan this happy for as long as he can.  He switches their positions so his lover is against the wall, caged in by Dark’s arms; Yan doesn’t mind- in fact, he seems happier with this position.

“I’m really happy.” Yandere admits with a blush, staring into Dark’s eyes lovingly.  He rests his hands on Dark’s shoulders, his fingers lightly gripping onto the older one’s suit.  Dark grins, placing one hand on Yan’s waist while keeping the other one against the wall next to Yan’s head.  

“As am I, little one.” Yandere giggles, his face blushing a little more.  It’s an adorable sight, Dark thinks fondly to himself.

“I like it when you call me that; feels nice.” Yandere admits, looking down at his feet shyly.  

“Twenty seconds!” There’s Wilford again, and the others begin to count down.  The room is filled with an air of anticipation as they get closer to the new year.  But Dark doesn’t pay that any mind; he’s far too focused on his Yan.  The Yandere is still looking down at the floor, so he hooks a finger under his chin and forces his head up.  Yan looks up at him, his eyes sparkling and his face flushed a beautiful shade of red.

“I’m so happy.” Yan repeats, tightening his grip on Dark’s shoulders.  

“Ten!”

“You make me so happy.” Dark smiles down at him.

“Nine, eight, seven, six!”

“I can’t wait to spend another year with you.” Yan raises himself on his tippy-toes so he’s closer to Dark’s height.

“Five, four, three, two!”

“Happy New Year’s, love.” Dark places his other hand on Yan’s waist, holding his lover tightly to him and leaning in closer.

“One!”

The others cheer as the timer goes off, just as Dark closes the space between him and Yan.  The kiss is soft and sweet, just like their first kiss when they were testing the waters of their relationship.  It’s almost as if everyone and everything around them disappears; all that matters is each other, and the feeling of the other’s lips.

Dark is the one to pull back, and he’s practically glowing when he sees how content Yan is in his arms.  He presses a tender kiss to Yandere’s forehead, grinning when his lover nearly squeals at the show of affection.

“I love you.  I love you so much.” Yan smiles up at Dark, and the older ego doesn’t understand what he’s done to deserve him.  But he’s grateful nonetheless, kissing Yandere again as the others around them continue to cheer for the new year.

“I love you too, little one.”

#yandere #yanderiplier #dark #darkiplier #darkyan #markiplier egos #thanks for sending this in!! #my writing

[meffthetravelfox]

Week 1 AKA feeling like a first year again

This right here is Ķemeri bog and its the literal Dead Marshes from LotR and this is where I want to be buried. 

The world is super small and all the trams and trolleys in Rīga are made in Czech republic.  Coincidence? I don’t think so. 

First days of school were real fun. Until Sunday evening we didn’t really have the timetables, bcs link they gave us in the materials led to a page that hadn’t been updated since spring. Google disappointed us. Someone must’ve bribed some university officials and in the end we got to the page. I thought that was the biggest problem to overcome. 

Every single class began with a new wave of panic when the teachers started speaking Latvian. Don’t worry, your Korean teacher will talk to you in Korean only. I can’t speak Korean. Even the hardcore k-pop fans and dorama lovers can say only a couple of words or sentences. The teacher hands our books. They are in Latvian. But don’t worry, Erasmus, you’re not gonna use them, it’s just a present, bcs the professor is so happy to have it printed finally. The book has been lying on my table since then, constant reminder of language barrier. I don’t know if it motivates me more to learn Latvian so that I can study Korean through it, or if it’s the other way around. 

But having Korean textbook is one thing, but Latvian textbook in Latvian is a whole new level. There’s nothing to save you, no rope to hold onto.  It’s not a nightmare I had, it’s reality. Our textbook is all in Latvian. 

Japanese lessons are cancelled, the teacher is not in Latvia yet, my classmates tell me. Does it mean we don’t have a teacher? How does this university work? 

Haijima-sensei is a Latvian lady that teaches Japanese art history. She agrees to do it in English. Victory. I soon find out that she doesn’t really teach, she just plays documentaries on different topics and translates them.  It’s still better than the big nothing on Japanese art that we have in Olomouc.

On the opposite side of the street from Faculty of Humanities is a Yolo Cafe and it’s the best joke ever. 

I explore the library that is in the building and fall in love instantly. It’s small and cozy and there’s shitton of books on Japan.  I also found Czech books. This is all of them. Half of them is Kundera. There’s Latvian translation of Švejk, Seifert and Viewegh. I am tempted to ask the librarians if anyone actually reads them and if it would make them happy if I brought them some books from home after Christmas. 

This picture right here might look like a scene from S.T.A.L.K.E.R., but it’s actually the view from our dormitory kitchen. There’s also trains with writings in Russian passing behind this abandoned building now and then and it adds to the atmosphere.  I love it.

About the kitchens. They are the meeting place. This is where you start relationships, bcs it’s so easy to start talking when the opening lines are so easy and obvious - Whatcha cookin’? If you are lucky, you get free food samples. I play a game when I’m trying to guess from where people are by the looks of the food they’re cooking. 

I found my people.  Unicon Cafe is a geek bar not far from the center of Rīga and they have about everything your heart might desire. Small TARDIS for the tips, big one in the corner for proper time-travel selfies, posters, flags, board games and Bill Cypher in the window. And also several-pages-long list of drinks named after everything, starting with the Hogwarts houses, through legendary Pokémons, all the way to houses from Game of thrones. And those were very popular my first night there, since it was a Game of Thrones party. 

People who own the bar also do summer and winter cons and shitton of various events over the rest of the year. Kudos for active community ♥ 

As the week proceeded to it’s end, it was gaining on intensity.  Friday seemed to have not 24, but at least 48 hours.  It started with being almost killed by a Latvian wasp. Then the universe balanced itself when another teacher of Korean(bcs they can’t have just one at the uni) told me that she wants to talk to the class in Latvian and that I can go home. Since it was 8.30am I was more than happy to oblige.  M. and A. + P., her new Hungarian roommate,  were planning to go to Ķemeri (it’s pronounced Ťemeri, ok, Latvian has to be special and I’m crying in phonetic transcription) bog trail not long after I made it to the dorms. My forearm was swelled af, but the weather was nice(and that’s something you start to really appreciate when you are in Latvia) and coincidences don’t exist, so I took Zodac and decided to pack a lunch and go with them. 

I was not disappointed.

We have the opportunity to taste what travelling with Latvian railways is like. It’s bumpy, but else, pretty ok.  Ķemeri used to be pretty popular spa town, or something like that, but now it’s basically just the train station that brings ppl that go to the national park that’s close to the city. When we were waiting for our train back, we found one small shop that was probably the only one in the whole town, by the number of people that came there in the time we were enjoying ice cream outside. 

The way to the bog is supposed to take 20 minutes, but it’s almost an hour and we have to cross a highway at one point.  I’m not complaining though, bcs at least half of the way leads next to an old cemetery that is part of the forest.  The others are getting skeptical, but I have Pokémon GO on and if there’s a pokéstop in the distance, it has to mean there’s something resembling civilization nearby.

We find a field that is a giant parking lot and there’s even a man selling parking tickets. There are two or three cars parked. Either it’s the best job ever, sitting in the middle of field in a forest and doing nothing for the most of the day, or the tourist season is over.  Further into the forest we pass a blue caravan. There’s a lady selling coffee, beer, chips and ice cream. It’s very surreal. 

The bog is pure magic.  It’s quiet, more quiet than should be possible. There a pair of ravens flying over it and the sounds they make carries into the distance.  I think about the Dead Marshes in Lords of the Rings. (Later I found out that the Ķemeri bog was indeed a dead bog and that there should be several thousand soldiers’ bodies decaying somewhere around that area)

On one of the tables with info about the bog there was a part about safety etc. It said that swimming in the small lakes in the national park is not recommended. Not forbidden, just not recommended. So if you wanna go and die a poetic death in the bog, feel free to do that, you’re not gonna be breaking any laws *wink wink*

When we were on top of an observation platform in the middle of the trail it hit us just how flat this country is.

Politbyro took all the mountains. 

But that was not the end, in the evening I found my own Rīga’s Plán B(R.I.P.) called DEPO, made some new friends and listened to some pretty cool music. 

And learned an important lesson. 

Even though Rīga is the capital and even though there’s shitton of public transport during the day, there’s only one single tram going from the city center in the direction of our dorms at 0.40am and if you miss that, it’s either party till the morning, or a taxi.  The fun thing is that finding the tram that you’re supposed to take is sort of a Russian roulette here. See, the night trams don’t have numbers here, even though Google maps say they do. There’s just the name of the depo to which they are going on the front window of the tram.  It’s not something pleasant to find out in the middle of the night. 

But I managed to survive. 

Meme of the week:

Politbyro tried to kill me and they almost succeeded

#meff in latvia #p3 #erasmus #latvia #riga #baltics #student life

[javathewildone]

Ty Chronicles - A Walk to Remember (Pt. 9)

Summary: Meghan Donovan is a girl no one pays attention to until the day Ty Borden discovers something about her that so closely relates to his own life he finds himself becoming attached to her. But the closer he gets, the worse things become. And no one makes it through unscathed. The first installment of the Ty Chronicles saga. Set pre-Heartland/pre-juvie/pre-group home. Told in first-person through Ty’s point of view. Rating: PG-13 for swearing and domestic violence. Author’s Notes: Wow. Has it truly been almost a year since my last update? I suppose it’s time for one, eh? At some point I stated that I was going to try to finish this story within 10 chapters. Being that it’s been so long and I may have slightly altered (aka forgotten) my whole plan for how things were going to work out, I’m going to nix that and just say it’ll be done when it’s done. Forgive me if anything seems off, I was still feeling rusty while trying to get back into the groove of the story. Parts: P | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 ... 10

The moment Wade left with Lily to take her to work, I confiscated the phone. Meghan had given me her phone number that morning and while I was once again tempting fate, I dialed it anyway. I hung up abruptly when her stepfather answered. A few seconds later he called back. At least, that was my assumption. I didn’t believe it was a mere coincidence someone else happened to call just as I hung up. We didn’t get many phone calls and when we did they were usually from debt collectors and lately even they hadn’t been calling since our number changed so much they couldn’t keep up. I cursed the invention of star 69 while staring at the receiver in my hands and was again grateful we didn’t have an answering machine. Frankly, I didn’t want to hear what kind of message would be left behind. The ringing stopped and there wasn’t a second call back. Maybe he just thought it was a wrong number. I had a brief debate with myself on trying again a while later but concluded that it wouldn’t be wise to play that kind of Russian roulette. I had the feeling that when he was home, no one else answered the phone. The odds of Meghan picking up just one time were not in my favor and I couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t take the phone from her or listen on the other line. Throwing the phone to the other end of the couch I ran a hand through my hair and looked toward the clock. It was still early. I was tempted to head to the tree fort and hope she showed up, even camp out there until she did, but my run of bad luck that day told me to just stay home and hope she would hold me to my word and call if she needed me. Hours passed. Wade never came back after dropping my mom off which left me to assume he was either at the track or a bar, or more than likely the bar at the track. That was fine with me. Not that he was gambling away what little money we had, but that he wasn’t in the apartment to continue our face off from earlier. The two of us home alone would not end well. I enjoyed the solitude and kept busy by, believe it or not, cleaning. If anyone were to walk in and see me wielding a vacuum they’d surely project a snot-rocket across the room. I didn’t go crazy. Just tried to straighten up and make the place look presentable – not that we had anyone to present it to. But it made me feel a little bit less like I was living in squalor.  Sometimes it really was the little things that made a person happy. We didn’t have much – less and less every time we moved so wherever we happened to end up never looked like a real home. I kept most of my stuff permanently packed to make things quick when the next time came. It wasn’t a matter of if. I learned at a young age never to get attached to anyplace, anything, or anyone. Nothing I owned held any sentiment. The tiger toy I used to have from the zoo was the last piece of my childhood I held onto and that went in the garbage before we moved the last time. That was pretty much when I became a full-blown cynic. But it was because of the promise to myself about remaining impartial that I became aware of the strange attachment I had to Meghan. Tommy and Jason and Seth were good friends, but I wouldn’t be heartbroken to move away from them. I wouldn’t use that word to describe how I would feel to have to leave Meghan either, but I knew that I’d be more upset not getting to spend anymore nights secretly camped away in a termite-infested tree fort than I would sharing a handle of whiskey atop a water tower. I felt stupid waiting with the phone within my sights for a call that I knew would likely not come. I did what I could to keep my mind in a safe place, but with only six cable channels it wasn’t very easy. I was subject to either the news or infomercials. For the sake of substance, I chose the news even if it was depressing most of the time. Vehicular accidents, shootings, a fire in a warehouse and hidden in the doom and gloom was a passing segment about some police dog being honored with a retirement party. I chuckled to myself watching the dog “shake hands” with his fellow officers in farewell while he went to live with his handler on an acreage north of Vancouver. I had to turn it off when they started showing B-roll of the dog playing in a large backyard with a little girl, fetching a ball then making her chase him when he refused to give it up. It struck me in a place I kept locked up tight and forgot even existed most of the time. I remembered then why that was and got up from the couch to get a drink before going back to my bedroom and turning on my stereo. The volume went up as loud as the neighbors would tolerate. I flopped on my mattress that sat on the floor and pulled out a back issue of rider and drooled over the vintage Norton that sat tucked away in the center fold. This was my version of a “dirty” magazine. I’ll admit I had the real thing too. Easy Riders had some pretty little things plastered all over their motorcycles. At some point I dozed off, my magazine open on my chest. I woke up to a presence in the room. I was a light sleeper most of the time but the volume of my stereo blocked out any noise, so I felt them there before they turned down the stereo and really made themselves known. My eyes popped open as soon as the buzz of the quiet began to ring in my ears. Lily was standing next to my dresser, about to come and nudge me awake until she saw I already was. “There’s a phone call for you,” she was holding the cordless against her body, a sly little smile tight on her lips as she tried to keep it reined in. I glanced at the clock on my night table as I became more awake, moving the magazine aside and sitting up. It was almost two in the morning. My whole world felt askew as I took a moment to comprehend time and space. “Who is it?” I asked, my voice thick with sleep. I didn’t even want to try and figure out what my mother was smiling about or why she was still dressed and so awake. The diner closed hours ago. “A young lady.” Oh. That’s what the smile was about. “I told her you were sleeping but she was persistent.” She handed me the phone. “Not too long, okay? It’s late.” I gaped at her with the phone still in midair. Was she serious? “Since when are you such a parent.” I mumbled as she left the room, then brought the receiver to my ear. “Hello?” “Ty?” I was wide awake at the sound of Meghan’s voice despite barely being able to hear it. “Hold on.” Springing up from my mattress I peeked out my door to see what my mom was doing. I felt like she too would be one to pick up the other line and try to listen in on my conversations with a girl. For some reason she thought it was so adorable when I mentioned anyone of the opposite sex like I was still a little boy with a crush. Unfortunately, or fortunately I suppose, she wouldn’t be around later to know what I did with those girls. At this point in time I was still pretty innocent, so to speak. I’d fooled around some but nothing I could get into trouble for later. I couldn’t say the same for her as I caught her and Wade giving googly eyes at each other, his hands once again groping places I couldn’t un-see no matter how badly I wanted to. I made a face but was satisfied that there would be no eavesdropping on my phone call as I backed up and shut the door. “Are you okay? I thought you were going to meet me this morning.” I wasn’t going to waste time on pleasantries when I’d been sweating bullets all day wondering what happened to her. “Can you meet me?” I didn’t like the way she evaded my question, especially not when she sounded like she did. My heart began to thump hard in my ears. “Yeah. Where are you?” I began to pull on my shoes, glad I didn’t unpack my duffel bag. “I’ll meet you same place as last night.” Once again her response was vague, but I didn’t bother to press for clearer answers. I knew where she was talking about so I didn’t see a reason to while still on the phone. My assumption was she didn’t want to be overheard and tailed so I just left things at that and hung up just as quickly. I would get my answers in a few minutes one way or another. First I just wanted to see her and assure myself that she was okay and my naiveté this morning didn’t do any damage. The only barricade was my mother and Wade still in the living room. I opened the door and could hear her girlish giggle as he murmured something close to her ear then leaned in for a kiss. Something definitely happened between them within the last couple hours for Wade to suddenly turn so loving and outwardly affectionate. Lily was eating it up while she could. I didn’t have time to hang around and figure it out. What I wanted was to shield my eyes and make a mad dash for the door. “Ty. Where are you going?” Lily spoke up when she caught sight of me with my bag again. I could hear the urgency in her voice as she was fully distracted from Wade, who did not seem pleased at being ignored and gave me the stink eye for it. “Out. Don’t wait up.” I didn’t want to give a real answer as that would prompt further questions I wasn’t prepared to answer. “It’s the middle of the night!” Lily shifted to get up, but Wade stopped her by grabbing her hips to pull her back onto the couch with him. “Let him go, Lily. He’s made it perfectly clear he’s adult enough to take care of himself. If he wants to get mugged in a back alley then let him face the consequences.” Don’t you wish, I thought bitterly. “Wade! He’s just a child,” my mother protested. “Are you going to meet that girl?” Ah, the question I wanted to avoid. I could spin lies for days but somehow found it difficult to lie to my own mother. Evade and misdirect, sure, but I couldn’t flat out lie. “She needs a friend right now. I’ll see you later.” I heard Wade chuckle as I turned again toward the door. “Got a nice piece of ass waiting for ya, hm?” I bristled. “Ty!” Lily gasped, seemingly appalled by Wade’s inference. “You’re not having sex with this girl, are you? Because we need to talk about-“ I cut her off before she could turn even deeper into mother-mode. “No, I’m not. And even if I was, I don’t see how it’s any of your damn business. Besides,” I added as an afterthought, wanting to leave her with a revelation that would keep her attention away from Wade for a while, even if it would probably startle her a great deal, “you already missed out on that parental milestone. Sometimes the best way to learn something is from a hands-on approach.” I left them with that thought, effectively stunning my mom into silence as I quickly left to meet Meghan in the vacant lot.

#heartland #fanfiction #ty chronicles #a walk to remember #ty borden #lily borden #wade dalton

[themanuelruello]

The Ultimate Guide to Canning Safety

This Ultimate Guide to Canning Safety covers important issues for everyone who is home-canning. Learn necessary tips about botulism concerns, which foods can safely be canned, which foods should NOT be canned, dangerous canning methods that should be avoided at all costs, and more.

Yep. I’m going there.

I know it’ll make some people mad. But we need to have a chat about this, my friend.

CANNING SAFETY. 

I keep running across online debates about canning safety, and I can’t help but scratch my head.

Because in my opinion, it’s simply NOT something that should be debated.

Nevertheless, this disuccions continues to pop up, especially in my Homestead Recipes & Heritage Cooking Group over on Facebook.

It usually starts innocently.

Someone will ask a question like “I don’t have a pressure canner. And I made some stew with beef last night. Can I throw it in some jars and water bath can it?”

Some folks will respond with solid information and recommendations…

But, inevitably some less-than-ideal recommendations will trickle in as well. 

Now, I’ve made it known in the past that I’m a rule-breaker when it comes to the kitchen. I’m not afraid to cut some corners, leave out steps, or tweak ingredients…. liberally, in fact.

But NOT when it comes to canning.

And it’s due to a little something called botulism. Trust me– once you understand the science of botulism, you won’t want to play around with it, either.

Botulism & Canning Safety

What is Botulism?

Food-borne botulism is a rare but serious illness caused by eating foods that are contaminated with the botulinum toxin.

Clostridium botulinum is the bacteria that causes botulism. And the crazy part? Botulism spores are pretty much everywhere: in the soil, on meats, and even on vegetables. However it’s usually NOT a big deal because they don’t cause issues UNLESS they have the right sort of environment.

These little spores love places that don’t have oxygen and are damp… which describes the conditions of a jar of canned food to a tee, which is why home-canned foods can be an ideal host for botulism spores.

Once the spores get into these sorts of hospitable environments (aka jars of improperly canned food), then that’s when they have the potential to grow into that active bacteria, which produces neurotoxins. Botulism can cause paralysis. It can cause your body to shut down and it can kill you (read more about the symptoms of botulism).

The most frustrating thing about botulism is that you can’t see, smell, or taste the toxin, but taking just a small bite of contaminated food can be deadly.

Signs of Botulism in Food

Here’s the part that really concerns me the most about botulism– you won’t always know if a jar is contaminated. The jar could look normal. It might even smell okay. It can look even look like a normal, harmless can of food.

Bottom line: Botulism doesn’t always present itself as gross, fuzzy mold and rancid smelling food. So it can blend in seamlessly with your other home-canned jars of food, and sometimes you can’t tell the difference at all.

How to Prevent Botulism in Home-Canned Foods

According to the Centers for Disease Control, “Home-canned vegetables are the most common cause of botulism outbreaks in the United States…”

But hang on– before you run away screaming and decide to never can again, take heart.

The CDC goes on to explain, “These outbreaks occur when home canners don’t follow canning instructions, don’t use pressure canners when needed, ignore signs of food spoilage, or don’t even know they can get botulism from improperly preserving vegetables.”

Here’s the bottom line:

As long as you carefully follow directions, stick with proven recipes, and are sure to pressure can any foods that aren’t high in acid,  then home canning is very safe, and your food will keep well for years.

The Good News…

Botulism is NOT something to mess around with, but before you sell all your canning equipment or vow to never touch a jar of home-canned food again, remember this: it you follow safe canning procedures, home-canning is extremely safe.

The secret weapons to preventing botulism are high heat and acidity. As long as you are using proven, recommend canning methods & recipes that account for proper heat and acidity, you can confidently can all sorts of food at home.

Which Foods Can Be Canned Safely?

In order to know more about which foods can be safely canned at home, we need to take a closer look at the importance of acid in home canned foods. The acidity content of a given food will determine what canning methods should be used to preserve it safely.

High Acid Foods

In canning, a high acid food is considered to be any food with a pH level of less than 4.6 (learn more about pH levels in food in this article).  This includes things like pickles, since they have vinegar in them, relishes, most fruits (peaches, apples, etc.), jams, jellies, chutneys and more.

When you take the natural acid content of these high-acid foods, often add some additional acid in the form of vinegar or lemon juice, and then add the boiling water temperatures of a water bath canner, that is sufficient to keep those particular foods safe and prevent botulism from forming.

Learn more about using a water bath canner here.

Low Acid Foods

Low-acid foods have a pH level higher than 4.6 and include things such as most vegetables, meats, and broths. These foods do NOT contain enough acid to stop the growth of botulism if you are merely using a water bath canner.

However, sometimes with foods close to the 4.6 pH level, you can simply add more acid (in the form of vinegar, lemon juice, or citric acid) and safely use a water bath canner. This method is especially handy for tomatoes, which can be water bath-canned, just by adding a bit of additional lemon juice. Here are my tips on how to safely can tomatoes at home.

Now, that’s great for tomatoes and some other pickled vegetables, but it doesn’t work for everything. There are some foods that would be absolutely disgusting and inedible if we were to add copious amounts acid, (like canning chicken or homemade soups), so in those instances, we really need to be able to leave the food as-is. 

In order to do that, we must use a pressure canner. A pressure canner has the ability to heat the foods in the jars to a high enough temperature to kill all lingering botulism spores. Learn how to use a pressure canner in my step-by-step guide.

Botulism cannot survive past temperatures of 240 degrees Fehrenheit, and since the pressure canner goes to that point and beyond, it makes your home-canned foods safe. In contrast, the boiling water of a water bath canner only reaches 212 degrees, which botulism spores can happily survive.

So one more time: for high acid foods, you may safely use a water bath canner. For low acid foods, a pressure canner is non-negotiable.

Foods You Should Never Can At Home

There are a handful of foods that should not be canned, period. Even if you do have a handy-dandy pressure canner. Here they are, and why:

Dairy Products: The fat in dairy can actually protect botulism spores during the canning process. Therefore, milk, butter or cream items are not recommended for home canning.

Lard: Similar to dairy, the fatness and density of lard won’t allow the heat of the canning process to penetrate the contents. The lard would house spores and other harmful bacteria (but the good news is that lard will be fine on your pantry shelf for a year, and up to several years if you want to freeze it. So canning lard isn’t necessary anyway.). Here’s how to render lard for your pantry shelf.

Purees: Purees such as cooked pumpkin or mashed beans are too dense, and there is concern that they won’t be properly heated in the middle. The good news is you can still learn how to can pumpkin chunks (and then puree it when you need it).

Flour: Be cautious adding flour to any non-tested recipe, as it can thicken items to a point where they are too thick to allow the heat to penetrate them. However, if a trustworthy recipe from a trusted source (such as a recipe from the Ball Blue Book) calls for flour, you’re good to go.

Even if you’re using a pressure canner, which is really good at killing botulism spores, always avoid canning the foods in the above list. Thankfully– with a little creativity, you can easily omit these trouble-maker foods.

For example: chicken noodle soup. You *may* can chicken noodle soup, you just have to leave out the noodles. So, put the chicken, spices, veggies, and broth in the jars, pressure can for the recommended time, and then add the noodles right before serving. 

Avoid These Dangerous Canning Methods

The Internet never ceases to amaze me.

There are all sorts of crazy methods floating around in different canning groups and message boards that people claim to be effective and safe. I’ve even seen one where someone claimed that if you stick your jars in a hot compost pile, it will heat them sufficiently. (Um, don’t do that, k?)

No matter who says that a method worked for them, or how many jars they’ve eaten without dying, it is never worth it to play Russian Roulette with your pantry. Just don’t do it, my friends. 

Here are a few of the more common dangerous canning methods to be aware of and avoid:

1. Using a slow cooker, dishwasher, microwave, or solar oven.

None of appliances get hot enough to safely sterilize the food in your jars. You may or may not get the lids to seal, but that does not mean the food will be safe to store or eat. Under no circumstances should you use any of these things to can food.

2. Oven canning.

I’ve seen this one float around on the internet quite a bit. Folks claim that you can bake your jars in the oven instead of processing them in a hot water bath canner or a pressure canner. An oven cannot get hot enough to safely sterilize the food inside the jars. Skip this method.

3. Open kettle canning.

This is the method I see people defend the most because they had a grandma or a great-grandma who open kettle canned for years and no one died. Open kettle canning is where hot food is put into jars, the lid is put on top, and if the lid seals, they assume it’s good to go.

Granted, this is the way that canning was accomplished in decades past. However, there were also many more cases of botulism then, so just because someone got away with it then, or they get away with it now, does not mean that you should do it. Again, this does not heat the food or sterilize it sufficiently to be safe long-term.

4. Inversion canning.

The Internet likes this one– I see it making the rounds several times per year… Inversion canning involves placing hot food (such as jam) into a jar, putting a lid on top, flipping it upside down and waiting for it to seal. You’ll might get a seal on the jar, but it does not mean that it is clean enough or safe enough to be stored on a shelf long-term. 

5. Using a Water Bath Canner instead of a Pressure Canner for Low Acid Foods

I often see people trying to get away with not using a pressure canner for low acid foods. I get the appeal, since water bath canners are cheaper and easier to use. Folks reallllly want to avoid having to invest in a pressure canner, so they cling to their water bath canner as long as possible.

However, you 100% cannot get away with using a water bath canner on low acid foods. This includes broths, meats, and beans. It’s not worth the risk of getting botulism. If a recipe says you need to use a pressure canner, you need to use a pressure canner (and no, instant pots are not pressure canners either).

How Can You Change Canning Recipes Safely?

I’ll admit, I have the tendency to see many recipes as “suggestions” rather than rules. But canning is an exception. Canning is rather unforgiving when it comes to rule bending. Processing times, ingredient lists, and other specifications need to be followed in order for the jars to seal and to eliminate any botulism spores that could be lingering in the foods. 

That being said, there is some flexibility with certain recipes that will allow you to adjust the flavors and even ingredients safely.

Here are the things that can be tweaked in a canning recipe with no impact on safety:

Salt.

Unlike in fermentation or meat curing, salt does NOT play a preservative role in canning — it is there only for flavor. Therefore, you can adjust the quantities of salt used in a recipe to fit your taste preferences.

Seasonings.

Feel free to add dried herbs or other spices/seasonings to your sauces and stews that you can with no safety concerns.

Equivalent Acids.

While you CANNOT omit acid that is called for in a water bath canning recipe, you may swap it out for a different acid of similar strength. The common acids used in canning are: vinegar, citric acid, and bottled lemon juice. The recipe you use may give you suggestions for swapping acids. You can also learn more about them in my Learn How to Can ebook and course.

Sugar.

You may add or reduce the sugar in most recipes with no safety issues. When it comes to fruits and jams, sugar does play an important role in setting and flavor, but it does not play a role in preventing spoilage. If you reduce the sugar level too much you may wind up with a syrup instead of a jam, but it’ll still be delicious and safe to eat. Here’s my free mini-course all about how to can low-sugar jams. 

Peppers or Onions. 

Feel free to swap out types of peppers or onions for different varieties. NOTE: Just make sure you’re not adding a much larger quantity of peppers or onions, as this can throw off the acid levels and cause the recipe to be unsafe for water bath canning.

The following recipe tweaks are UNSAFE and should always be avoided:

Reducing processing time

Using a water bath canner when a pressure canner is called for

Adding more of a food (other than seasonings) to a recipe beyond what is called for

Using flour as a thickener

Using thickeners when the recipe does not call for it

Using fresh herbs when the recipe specifically calls for dry herbs only

And finally, making up your own recipes. Do it all day long in any other aspect in your kitchen. But don’t do it with canning in order to practice safe canning in your kitchen without any fear of botulism.

Canning Safety: Your Questions Answered

I’ve put together a list a the most common questions about canning safety here, but please feel free to ask more canning safety questions in the comments, and if they’re popular enough, I’ll add the questions and answers to this list.

Where do I find trustworthy sources for safe canning recipes and information?

When looking for new canning recipes to try, it’s important to make sure they are coming from a reliable, science-based source. Unfortunately, there are many recipes floating around the Internet, or in older publications that are just not safe.

This is not an exhaustive list, but it’s a good place to start. Recipes from the following sources have been carefully tested in university laboratories and can be trusted as long as you follow them as directed:

Clemson University Home and Garden Information Center

National Center for Home Food Preservation

Ball Blue Book Guide to Preserving

Ball Complete Book of Home Preserving

Putting Food By: Fifth Edition

How can I tell if my seal set on my home-canned food?

If the lid doesn’t come off (and the middle doesn’t “pop”) when you gently pull on it, you should be set!

There are two great tips that go a long way in helping avoid a missed broken seal:

Always remove rims before storing your canned goods.

Never stack jars when you store them in your cabinets, pantry, or root cellar.

Why do these two things matter?

If bacteria does develop in the jar, gas would build up inside the jar and, eventually, the lid would release on its own accord. If this happened, you’d easily know your food was bad, because your jar wouldn’t be sealed when you go to grab it out of the cabinet. On the other hand, if you leave the rim on or stack one jar on top of another, you may force the lid closed on bacteria-filled contents. Over time, the lid could potentially reseal itself, which would trap bacteria inside and leave you unaware.

My Final Thoughts on Canning Safety…

I know I sound like a party pooper when it comes to canning, but it matters, my friend.

I have a BLAST with canning– and my pantry is filled with all sorts of foods I’ve (safely) experimented with over the years.

And the best part? When I reach for a jar of food, I don’t have to worry about it potentially making my family sick.

I don’t recommend venturing out on your own when it comes to canning, even if your grandma did it.

Do you really want to look at all those beautiful jars of food on your pantry shelves and wonder which one could contain something that’s deadly? Just thinking about that just stresses me out.  I would rather know that what I have canned and what I put all that work towards is safe and I don’t have to worry about it.

So just do it the right way. Give yourself  the gift of peace of mind and then know that canning is an absolute blast. If you follow safe canning methods and rules, then you don’t have to worry about any issues and food spoilage.

Canning is one of the most-fulfilling homestead skills I’ve learned. If you’ve been on the fence to dive in, let this be your year. 

If you’re ready to learn how to can, but never had someone show you the ropes– I’ve got you covered!

I created the Canning Made Easy system to help home-canners start preserving with confidence. This step-by-step eBook covers EVERYTHING you need to know, in a simple, non-confusing way.

Grab your copy of Canning Made Easy and start preserving your harvest today!

  More Preservation Tips:

A Guide to Quick Pickled Vegetables

How to Use a Fermentation Crock

Home Freeze Dryer Review Tutorial

Root Cellar Alternatives

How to Freeze Tomatoes

The post The Ultimate Guide to Canning Safety appeared first on The Prairie Homestead.

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HTX Me Male Enhancement *Must Read* Review Before Buy

The first question here is "Does size really matter?". Well... apparently it does. Research has shown that the average length of a male penis is approximately 6 - 7 inches. Is that really enough? That's for you to decide. Though, it's important to know that there are several different ways that an additional few inches can be achieved.

What's more important is that you need to make sure the method you choose is effective and safe. Your manhood is your most important asset and you don't want to play Russian Roulette with it. HTX Me Make a safe decision where your health is concerned and you could enjoy those extra inches for a long time to come. Now which is the safest male enhancement technique you should choose? Let's take a look at a few of the available options.

Male Enhancement Supplements & Pills

The effectiveness of enhancement pills clearly boils down to it's ingredients. More important is that the pills you choose must be manufactured at a facility that has been certified by the FDA. You must also know that the sale of herbal medication and supplements do not come under the direct supervision of the FDA. But it's safe to assume that herbal products that come from an FDA approved manufacturing facility are safe to use. In the past, the FDA has banned certain herbal drugs when they were found to be detrimental to one's health.

That doesn't mean that male pills don't work. But you need to evaluate your options before you jump into something.

Enlargement Patches

Most male enlargement patches typically contain the same ingredients that the pills do, but in a more concentrated form. The medication is deposited into your body through the skin, also called transdermal patch technology. The patch typically looks like a band aid that you discreetly apply under your abdomen. Once applied, the patch "injects" the medication into your body in a controlled manner. You could typically expect the same results that you would get from a pill. A word of caution would be to make sure the manufacturers are using genuine ingredients and are a reputed company.

Jelqueing and exercises

This is the safest way to get your penis enlargement results. Jelqueing is a technique that has been used for centuries now and can safely add an inch or so to your penis. It's a simple set of exercises one does on a daily basis that leads to growth of your penis. Besides the fact that this is a much slower method, the only downside here is that the results are not permanent. You need to continue with the exercises on a ongoing basis to continue getting results. Though, I would vote for this as the safest method.

Penile Surgery

Stay away from this at all costs. Well, I think it's really not worth the risk and money. Any invasive surgery comes with an array of risks beyond the control of even medical practitioners. Besides, the cost of penile surgery are typically a few months salary knowing that no insurance covers it. How does it work? The surgery, also called phalloplasty, involves the cutting of the suspensory ligaments, which helps add between 2-4 inches to your penis. To increase girth, fatty tissue from your body is injected into your penis and then remolded to give it the correct shape.

The risks are serious, very serious. Though the flaccid penis may look larger, you could lose your ability to hold an erection because of losing support from the suspensory ligaments that are cut. Also, over time, your penis may develop an uneven appearance. You don't want that!

Penis Extension Devices, AKA Penis Extenders

This technique is based on the original jelqueing method. In my opinion, the safest way to go about enhancing your penis size. It's just a clever extension of the original technique that has proven to work for centuries. Not only is it safe, the results are far quicker and also permanent. It's a simple device that you wear for a few hours every day. You could discreetly wear it under loose trousers and no one would know. In the old times, people used crude weights tied to the penis to achieve similar results.

The device, also called a traction device, applies a gentle stretching force to your penis tissue, which over a period of time results in increase in penis size and girth. The way it works is simple. Just like you "work" your other muscles to make them grow, you apply a gentle traction force that causes tissue to "get worked out". Just like your body "over compensates" to make your muscles bigger, it does the same to increase the penis size. A completely natural way to increase the size of your penis. After all, the penis is just like another any other muscle in your body.

One of the most recommended penis extenders is Size Genetics. It's a high quality product that the doctors have certified as a Type 1 Medical Device. If I were you, I'd choose what's safe and proven to work. Also keep in mind that it uses the natural reactions of the human body to give excellent, safe results.

Several medical doctors like Dr. Jorn Ege Siana, M.D. and Dr. Finn Worm Knudsen M.D - both plastic surgeons endorse Size Genetics as the safest means to male enhancement. The Size Genetics extender also comes with a guarantee of results you'll achieve. If you're not happy, you just ask for a refund. Sounds safe to me.

MSM or Methyl Sulfonyl Methane is a naturally occurring organic compound. Naturally, it occurs in small amounts within plants and some other foods and drinks. This natural compound is also a metabolite, which means it is an intermediate and the result forms metabolism.

If you have weak corpora cavernosa, then you can make it hard by employing male enhancers. These pills will result in increased libido, confidence and better erections. Always remember that the best male enhancement pill is one which contains herbal ingredients which are known to produce favorable results.

FAQs regarding enhancement products

There are many questions revolving around the mind of consumers regarding these pills. Some consider them as best treatment option while some have few misconceptions. Let's throw some light on some of the questions:

What these pills can do except enlarging the penis?

What are the constituents of male enhancement pills?

ow male enhancers can enlarge your penis?

Are these pills safe to use?

Are the expensive?

Will I be able to see 100% results?

These questions are bound to come in the mind of consumers. Let's answer them. Some of the other benefits attached to this pill include increased sex stamina, more intense orgasms, improved urinary flow, increased sperm production, enhanced sexual activity, increased head size and many more. These pills are absolutely safe to use and contains natural ingredients free from any side effects. These pills are not expensive and one can easily buy them to cure sexual problems.

The sexual life changes with the course of the years. There is a lot of debate about whether or not, the sexuality decreases over the years, but we all know that at a certain age this is a fact.

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