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its-freaking-jordan · 1 year

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Hihi!! First off all I hope you are having an excellent day / afternoon / night! May I request some headcanons of the hashiras seeing reader (who's also a hashira) as an older sibling figure (Gender Neutral if possible!)?? If it's possible all of them, if not that's alright! Please and thank you! ^^

-🌸✨

Hi! I can do this request no problem and thank you!!!

Hashira seeing you as their older sibling figure

Tokito Muichiro

First off, your 17.

He would be by your side 24/7, not giving you any type or space.

You are overprotective of him, because he’s 14 and a hashira at that.

You remind him of his twin brother a little, which he told you about one day.

Once he told you about his twin, it did make you sad, and you promised Mui that you will make sure nothing happens to him.

You take him out at night to just look at the stars and talk, or just sit in silence. Which neither of you mind.

He will try his absolute best to not forget you, but sometimes he does and say “Who are you..why are you following me?.” You just watched him in a shock but then remembered Shinbou said he has a bad memory. You’re very patient with him.

Once you both were making paper planes in your Estate he forgot what he was even doing and just walked out. It did make you confused but you laughed it off when he came back and remembered why he was even there.

He holds on to your uniform whenever he can, so he wont be “lost” but in reality he just wants to be close to you <3

Sanemi Shinazugawa + Genya

You’re 28.

He tends to be more comfortable around you, (besides Obanai.) He feels as if he can talk with you about deep things.

He interrupted the Master once at a important meeting, you glared daggers at him. You scolded him in front of everyone, he just stared at you, while the others were giggling.

He didn’t intend on bringing up Genya al all.

You found out about Genya regardless, you saw him with Sanemi, but Sanemi was yelling at him.

He slapped Genya, well almost did, but you somehow managed to stop him right before he could.

You demanded explanations from him, he wouldn’t tell you, but end up doing so because you kept nagging him.

You scolded the HELL out of him and, demanding he apologize to his younger brother.

He flipped you off, basically saying no and went on with his day. Thats when you ignored him.

You found Genya again but in the forest, and decided to talk with him as well. He was the opposite of his older brother.

He did end up apologizing to you and Genya. Now you three are a little happy family <3

Mitsuri Kanroji

You are 20

Please help her with her hair once in a while, she loves when you do her hair and style it.

She adores you 24/7. Literally every little thing you do, she gives a compliment.

Often ask if you would want to make food with her, and ofc you wouldn’t say no to her.

You both often go out shopping together, to buy gifts for the other Hashira’s.

She would tell you about her love life with a certain hashira.

You support her 100% and help her with anything she needs.

Once she came crying because she “thought” she messed up on Obanai’s gift.

“Y/Nnn! Please help me! Pleaseeee! I gave Iguro-san the gift I picked out and he just nodded and walked away!!! I think I did something!!!”

You just stared at her while she was clinging onto you sleeves as she was crying. You just smiled and hugged her, telling her she didn’t mess up anything and, maybe that Obanai was just shy to say anything and, that she shouldn’t be harsh on herself.

She suddenly looked at you, crying more and just tackled you to the ground hugging you tight. “Wahh! Thank youu! I dont know what I would do without you Y/N!!”

Obani Iguro

Your 22.

He would often watch over you as if he’s the “older sibling” Which you don’t mind at all.

He would do small talks with you before any Hashira meetings. He mostly tell you how he feels about the Love Hashira.

You support them 100%!

He would often ask you for advice because he doesn’t know what to say sometimes, which you gladly help him out with.

He did show you his scar before, but he never meant for that to happen. He is ashamed of it, but you told him that it was a beautiful scar, which he didn’t believe at first, until you had to show him how beautiful he was without his bandages.

He takes pride in it now, but still decides to keep the bandage on.

He came back with a gift Mitsuri gave him, being the nosy one that you are. You started teasing him about, which caused him to slap you.

“Are you actually older than me? You act like a child for your age Y/N.” He gave you a side eye when he heard you whine from the slap.

He ends up putting ice on your face, as a apology, which you accept fully, dragging him into a hug, he hesitated for a moment before he gave in.

Giyuu Tomoika

You’re 23

He feels more comfortable around you than anyone, minus Sabito and and his sister.

He’s still introverted but makes any effort around you.

He would often ask if you would like to accompany him during his missions, which you accept.

He would smile when you’re around him, but you cant see it.

You would try to make him not be introverted as much, which was a complete fail. You honestly didn’t mine trying though.

Whenever his haori ripped, you’re very quick to fix it up. He would try to tell you, he can do it but you didn’t listen.

“Y/N please, I can fix it myself..You don’t have to keep doing things for me.”

You told him, thats you we’re alright with helping him with almost anything, even if its small things. He simply signed knowing you wouldn’t budge, he just placed a hand on your shoulder with a genuine smile, which melted your heart.

“Fine, but let me at least take you out, as a Thank you.”

Gyomei Himejima

You’re both the same age, but you’re only older by a few months.

Jeez, you are WAY shorter than him, he ends up thinking he’s the oldest sibling just by your height comparison.

You would often meditate with him whenever you get the chance.

You both would go out just to walk and talk. That’s his favorite thing to do with you.

He has a cat, and once shows you his pet cat.

You both would always talk about your days,whenever you’re done with missions.

You’d often ask about his beads, which he would happily talk to you about.

“Y/N can you please put my weapon down..It’s not something to be toyed around with.”

You kept examining his weapon, asking how does he fight with it. You were just amazed by it. He was kinda stunned from you asking questions about his weapon and how he fights with it.

He took his weapon back, which caused you to stop smiling. He then sat you down by him and started to explain his fighting skills to you.

Shinbou Kocho

You’re 20.

You often hear her teasing Giyuu, which always make you laugh.

You then apologize for her teasing at the end.

You know about what happened to her eldest sister Kanae.

She would often do checkups on you everyday to make sure you’re not getting a cold.

You helped her around the Butterfly mansion a lot than needed which she’s very thankful for.

Which caused you to be her “sibling” now.

Whenever your both alone you would ask her, how is she doing. Which she replies:

“I’m quite alright Y/N. I appreciate you asking me.”

Which was bullshit in your eyes. You end up having that same talk with her, that she had with Tanjiro.

She honestly thought you didn’t know about her sister at all. Which caused her to stop “smiling”.

“I see…So I’m assuming you knew her then?”

You end up explaining how you promised Kanae that you would watch of her and Kanao both. Which caused Shinbou to actually smile.

You hugged her out of nowhere, not really sure of what to do about the silence in the room.

“Thank you..Y/N.”

Uzui Tengen

You’re a few months older than him.

This man had a-lot of energy, which drains you every time.

He always tease you and call you “Un-flashy”

Often mocks the smallest things you do, which ends up you hitting him on his head.

He introduced you to his wives, which caught you off guard, when he said that he has 3.

Expect dinner parties almost every week at his place.

He made you a headband like his.

“Ah! My dearest sibling Y/N! I made you thee most flamboyant gift you’ll ever receive! No need to thank me, it’s just something I thought of.”

He gave you a headpiece just like his but your stones had a heart on it.

You wore it almost everyday, somewhat matching with Uzui.

You both were close than ever.

Rengoku Kyojuro

You’re 21.

Expect to be woken up very early, by his crow.

Everyday he would compliment you once he gets the chance.

You help him with Senjuro, that he is thankful for.

You would make bentos before he leave for his missions and, he swore he will owe you back.

He never lets go of a promise, he always have a gift for you and his brother once he’s back from missions.

You him and Senjuro would all make sweet potatoes together, even if Kyojuro can barely cook.

One time he wanted to surprise both you and Senjuro, so he woke up very early than usual. He made your favorite food along with Senjuro’s.

A few minutes later you woke up to find Senjuro shaking you to wake up. You both made your way to the kitchen only to find it a complete mess.

Rengoku was done with the food he prepared, with the ingredients on him and on the counters. He had the biggest smile on his face when he served the food to you both.

“I made you both a treat! As a thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Even if it’s not the best, it’s the thought that counts, right?”

#kny #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #rengoku x reader #obanai x reader #uzui x reader #Shinbou x reader #mitsuri x reader #sanemi x reader #giyuu x reader #muichiro x reader #gyomei x reader #demon slayer x you #demon slayer fluff #kny x reader #kny fluff #anime #anime fluff

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afuckingsystemsthoughts · 2 months

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we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.

#dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #tired of the “oh you have to be in constant agony from DID to have DID” posts its so invalidating tbh #like im sorry having DID is so bad for you but theres people with DID who dont have it as bad and theyre just as valid #people always spread negativity about DID when people with it wanna distract from their suffering and the “oh poor me” posts dont help much #it forces DID systems who dont suffer because of it 24/7 to think theyre faking and that makes them exaggerate symptoms #man the online DID community is toxic

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chilei-the-hotsauce · 2 months

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ALL the artist ask game questions. ALL OF THEM-

omg yes hold up

1. uuh krita, fire alpaca (i used to use fire alpaca but not after getting csp)

2. left? i think? i can draw all directions (-ish) (it wont be good but i can)

3. none?? idk bro i have bad memory (or maybe i suppress them idk)

4. anything from canon media. like i love you boo but why. also clothes and poses

5. i post very little of my art actually lmao whoops. very busy lately but might start posting art again if i remember

6. my hyperfixation at the time. or well, me. also art tutorials i see on pinterest, though that's a bit more conscious i think

7. SCULPTING TRADITIONAL PAINTING GRAFFITI all so cool amazing wow

8. there's so many that i cant even remember jesus christ-

9. everything is keysmashes. i do not name my layers. i am satan

10. mm i actually like drawing shirts i think?

11. music. fun fact i listened to paranoia on loop for over a week. thats what brain rot does to a man

12. uuuh hhand

13. i really dont know. every thing is my thing. every creator is admirable in their own way. love everyone. commit crime

14. death? eldritch horrors? blood? rot and corruption? yeag the good shit

15. my room. at school also because im studying animation and game design

16. making. sprite sheets. for 2d game.

17. i usually have a tea nearby but i always forget it. i kinda drink it halfway when it's still warm, then forget about it and then when i go back for it it's cold so i just chug it all and go get a new one

18. uuh i'd say like? 10? im very gentle and loving with my stuff uwu

19. no. i do not. ok but maybe like. cloth idk.

20. hands. idk bro i drew them so much at one point out of spite i just kinda got good at it and now i just wing it and it looks good and doesnt require much thought. and if it requires thought it's in a funky position but then i just wrangle my own hands a little, inspect it, and then continue to draw

21. lineless, painting-esque, thick lines, realistic, sketchy... yeah good shit

22. nah man i just go straight for the laptop

23. uuh sometimes

24. im satan i dont use references often. but when i do? yeah i think

25. i havent been told so idk

26. i. dont really intend anything on purpose? so when someone interprets something wild i just kinda go "yeaah sure! idk either!"

27. Dno. straight for the art. might doodle thine truly if im not in a hurry

28. nah, but i'd like to! i've made art for two 2D games in the past year and now there's a 3D one in the making. im charged with making the 3D model for our main villain thing and boy is it pain

29. bold of you to assume anything doesnt inspire me artistically (he doesnt know)

30. thats a great question i have no idea 👍

#i should be arting but i answering this instead whoops haha #i needed a break anyways so its fine #ask chilei #my beloved mutual #somebody (once told me) my beloved #chilei's on skooma again

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eric-the-bmo · 11 months

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eep I'm bad at thinking of questions, any fun facts about your characters??? ooh or actually I've just been discussing music, what kinda music do your characters listen to?

[this might be rambe-y im so sorry lmao]

oooh!!! yes i like this one, Music Time

John listens to folk punk and whatever genre Lore Huron and Hozier are. (also a bit of vocaloid, solely because of Shelby)

Theodore listen to like. Cool electronic music. Haven't determined the exact genre but its very Computer

Once again I don't know the genre but I think Leo doesn't quite have a favorite genre? Since his memories got blasted he's not quite sure anymore, but in my brain I associate him with Matt Maeson a lot since I was listening to his songs a bunch when creating him.

Annabelle's setting has a 1920s kind of vibe (at least the kingdom she lives in does), and so she enjoys that kind of old-timey jams!

Ven and John actually have like, really similar music tastes, sans the vocaloid bc it doesnt exist in Ven's universe. Folk Punk is Ven's guilty pleasure

I... I don't think Apollo listens to music. Like I dont think the City has any save for idk, Latin choirs or whatever.

....has Rhidian even heard music since he became a Nothic. bro does he know what that is /hj

Murmur listens to like. So much vocaloid/pop/electronic music. They love it sm they blast it near 24/7 into their earbuds

hmm Fun Facts (a mix of Character and Developmental):

Theodore admitted during the White House Heist (have I even told yall about that) that he's been thrown out of a window before

Theodore's got a roommate named Steve and like. He was only around for the first session and I miss him sm, that guy was great

Theo please stop skipping your fucking classes

Ven likes peppermint tea. Peppermint tea is also known to help with headaches, which he gets a lot!

Shelby was 22 when she met John (aka hit him with her car)

Shelby was also intended to be a self-insert when I first made her; she was the Mundane for MoTW, but then I got to wondering "what if she and John were friends" and the rest was history

She's also a twitch streamer solely bc i realized she needed a job and that was the funniest option to me

John's limbs are very long in proportion to the rest of his body! His arms are like, Super Long

Rhidian dislikes touch; not only because it's been a Very Long Time since anyone's touched him, but also because he wants the first person he touches to be his girlfriend- once she gets a physical body, of course (they are going to hold hands and kiss <3)

Annabelle is So Adamant in the fact she's not part of Warrick's family; she's his secretary, and not his daughter, thank you very much- but she always participates during Family Game Night

She also would like collecting vinyls :-)

Leo's heterochromia happened because I couldn't determine which eye color he should have, and so I gave him Both

His eyes have become my Favorite Thing about them, and there's like. So much symbolism in them dude. I'd ramble more but my fellow VtM players follow me here.

On the subject of Leo, he was originally created in 2020 as an entity that lived in TV static and would try to drag people in, as he was desperate for company- as you can see, he's changed A Lot from his original concept

Leo's original concept has since been recycled for a potential Rapture Heights monster that I've taken to calling Hijack.

Apollo and Leo both have a habit of holding their hands together when they miss their partner/exes- and it's actually a habit I myself have picked up.

John's whole NotDeer thing started because I had told a librarian about him, and admitted I didn't know what kind of monster he was yet- and she asked if he was a deer monster due to his last name. Thank you Ms Librarian u changed his entire trajectory thank u <3

Did you know there's a visual novel about a character also John Doe? He's eerily similar to mine in terms of visual, I think

Valentine was created after/ while I was reading the DIE comic series- the main character's scene in prison was the main inspiration for him.

Due to enchantment magic having the potential to be used for Awful Things, I explicitly made Valentine to be a sex-repulsed asexual, and intended for him to be aromantic as well.

Valetine killed Velma (yeah, from Scooby Doo) during his one-shot

Oh, and fun fact about me: in my dnd server, I'm the reason there's a rule stating that one-shot characters need to be able to breathe <3

#eric finally speaks #ask answered #john doe vibes #ven vibes #annabelle vibes #leo vibes #rhidian vibes #shelby vibes #valentine vibes #apollo vibes #theodore vibes #is this coherent #i think im a bit tipsy as i was writing all tis but whatevr

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caidsjacks · 1 year

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I am so tired of everything right now

So incredibly burnt out and exhausted

Im worried and scared 24/7

I constantly feel like a burden to my people because i have no energy or motivation to even exist, call, or even text back. Or hell, go visit anyone.

I have a "boyfriend" who says he fucking loves me but is constantly negative, or either mildly supportive and helpful or not at all

Roommates who hate him because they're jealous that he gets to be my boyfriend and they dont get to have that kind of relationship with me so they take it out on me randomly

A father who would rather live states away ans never speal to his chukdren again

A mother who pawns everything off on me regardless of what i do or say, who despote her best intentions makes me feel like im not good enough or not trying hard enough

Brothers who dont ever reach out and talk to me if i don't reach out first

Cousins who dont even treat me like family when I'm around, who ignore me or treat me different because i /am/ different and not like them or have the same interests like themn or have a family of my own

A gaping whole in my heart where my daughter should be

A permanant slew of black spots in my memory from years of trauma that is now affecting my working every day memory

Doctors who dont ever call back so now i have no medicatio. Till probably next month

I am so fucking tired

I don't want to fucking do this shit anymore.

How do you take a mental health break from life when there isnt a fucking pause button or no actual way to make anything better that doesnt fully exhaust me even more.

How do you continue to keep going when every bone in your body is SCREAMING at you to just please stop, we need a fucking break from everything.

We need a god damn break from worrying about everything all of the time.

How do i pay for the things that need foxed on my car?

Hiw do i pay for the things that need fixed in my home?

How do i take care of myself when just getting out of bed for work every day is a STRUGGLE

How do i keep my friendships going when i hardly have the energy to hang out with anyone, call them, or even text them back?

How do i go see people when driving gives me the worst migraines and overstimulates me more often then it used too?

How do i get someone who will love me despite my fucking mess?

How do i continue to work evryday for the rest of my life in this hellscape when every day it feels more and more pointless to try and get ahead in any way shape or form?

I know this is just a bad day and i will be fine

But i am so tired

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acreaturecalledgreed · 9 months

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Hi its that one anon again, for the Multigender asks, I humbly request uh

4,5,6, 7,8, 19, 24, 28, 29

...is that too many numbers.?

hello nonny you are a-okay i just wanted to respond on my laptop b/c im gonna do a lot of writing now cracks every bone in my trash body lets do it

4) When did you first hear about being multigender?

my memory is very not great and i honestly do not recall any specifics, but id ballpark 2014ish was around the time i was realizing "oh i dont have to slide b/t genders, its okay to be more than one at once"

5) Are there any terms under the multigender umbrella that you identify with? (like bigender, trigender, genderfluid, omnigender, multiflux)

i genuinely like pangender and omnigender very much. again, greedy.

6) Do you identify with any umbrella terms that can encompass being multigender, like "trans" or "nonbinary"?

yes! i personally consider nonbinary to be trans, and i am both. i call myself a nonbinary trans man (which is true) when i want to give ppl a not complicated answer.

7) Are your genders more fluid or more static?

i suppose it'd be accurate to say my genders are static in that they dont really shift from one to another but i also do not like the description of "static", it makes me think of stagnancy, and my gender is not stagnant- it gets added to and expanded rather often, its edges extend and recede like a tide

its like. pointillism. i am a painting and every dot is a part of the image

8) Are your genders more separate or blended together?

waggles my hand both kinda, hard to explain, again its the "pointillism" thing

19) When in a situation forcing you into one gender, what do you do?

so i did answer this one before but ill rehash in a briefer way

on non queer spaces i just deal with it and feel bad but theres no point in pushing it b/c i find most people just dont get it or dont really try to and im Very Tired

in queer spaces people forcing me to be just one of my genders is genuinely heart wrenching and makes me feel deeply unwanted, because they only want this specific part of me and not just. me.

24) Do you do (or have you ever done) anything to express pride, privately or publicly, in your multigender identity?

not really, no. its not that i do not want to. i just have trust problems around people and i struggle to have faith that people will not be shit. and privately, i just dont feel a need to justify it to myself, yaknow? i casually incorporate my identity and queerness into all i touch and create, and i think that counts as pride.

28) Are you open/out about being multigender?

anyone who knows me even a little knows im a gender clusterfuck, and i have long since stopped bothering to pretend im any flavour of cis. if people get weird about it its my intent to challenge them then and there. if you wish to be transphobic you must look me in the eyes and know that i am a person and say it and see how brave you are then.

29) Are you open about some parts of your gender identity, but not others?

the more abstract parts of my gender i tend to really just talk about with other trans ppl but mostly just b/c it can be hard to explain to cis ppl "yeah one of my genders is like, a shark, but longer" whereas if i say the same thing in a trans heavy server ppl are like "oh god samesies"

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kdipshit · 1 year

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Running away

Look at me running away from it as soon as it makes me uncomfortable, yeah I did what I could in my brain and change my thoughts but I still chose to leave because it was getting hard. I left. I chose that, and now I am here, and now what? Now I have to process leaving, get told off probably, feel guilty, all because I chose not to do it. Thats my issue now, just doing it.

Okay lets look at the reason why I left okay, instead of telling myself off a little bit. First of all, I was feeling genuinely sick and onto of that I was already bothered and moving slow, now, I should have just told someone I was leaving, but I was sick and I felt like an empty pit in my stomach, I was in pain, my face went white and I felt faint and dizzy, and I didn’t even smoke, I was sober and sick dizzy and in pain. I didn’t have to energy for my activity I had promised to go to.

Anyways, so yes I do feel sick and tired and I’m aloud to feel sick and tired. tell me off all you want but I’m not going to let it effect me in any way negatively at all, instead it will effect me none, and I will take only the truth and grow from it. I just have to keep levelling up, and I feel like I’m trying to make my own steps, instead of progressing with the universe’s path chosen for me. My decisions determine which path I go down, yes, but by trying to make my own pathway out of thoughts is again, chasing dragons. Just walk the path you’re on, and if you can’t see it, then clean up a little bit more.

The power of choice. I’m here now, so whats the point continuing to feel guilty? I’ve processed it, and I’m happy with my outcome, I know some more why’s, and I’m getting a better understanding through current practice. The power of choice.

I would like to look at all the memories I forgot, like a library. Maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable and difficult if I could just see how much love I had in it, instead of all the bad. I really don’t like talking to people coz they really have no fucking idea. What am I talking to? It makes no sense to me, anything anyone says makes 0 sense. Zilch. I don’t understand nor can I comprehend their sentences. im not part of them, I’m seperate. They are the same, luckily. Being seperate from the human race is a difficult and sometimes grey world to live in. But If ye can find the colour, so can i. i dont like to hold conversations, no small talk bullshit, being quiet doesn’t mean I’m scared. Maybe I’m a little scared, but nothing I cant fix though. He sacredness that I have, I wonder where it comes from, I remember having panic attacks at 7 in primary school when this one kid would always throw a fit and become violent throwing desks and chairs and screaming swearing punching kids hitting kids, I was scared of him, but he was nice to me. I guess thats my earliest memory, I was so scared I didn’t move, but my body started shaking just real anxious. I guess that can be caused by my parents arguing around us as kids, sometimes it got real ugly and I did the same thing, shake. I used to think ‘what the hell is wrong with me’ as I tried my best to stop shaking, causing more panic when I find it impossible to stop. It doesn’t take long for me to become extremely overwhelmed once I hit this point, and at that point I can lose control.

Maybe I’m just so medicated that I don’t even realise when I’m in a depressive episode. Sobriety makes me anxious and angry, I just need weed to feel mellow, and not flip the fuck out for real. Thank you for pointing that out.

so this whole level up thing I’ve been wanting to do, like pretty much just be high maintenance, always look good 24/7, look good feel good right? Q is…. Should I get extentions? …. no

I think as long as I’m taking care of myself, and I’m writing, I can do anything. Thats really my base, thats all I need, self can and letting everything off. Im really excited to get my nails cute like Haiilsz beiber, yeah. I want pretty hands.

I really didn’t plan to be here for this many years. I mean like when I was 14/15/16 I wasn’t thinking about myself at 23 years old, which Is where Im at right now, 23 :) thats crazy, anywyas, I wasn’t planning on it. So now that I’m here I’m lost it seems, or like, still 19, still a teenager. But I’m a woman now. Everyone around me is older aswell.

I dont have much respect for peoples time, I don’t really take things as seriously as other people do. Or at least thats how I feel, I feel rude. But I shouldn’t, because I never set out my day to be rude, I set out my days in the best possible intentions I can bring myself to create for myself. And that is why things are always working out for me not matter how they look at any time.

#blogging #mental health #new blog #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words #bipolar

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ravysu · 3 years

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Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

#sannin week 2021 #orochimaru #tsunade #jiraiya #sannin #naruto #naruto headcanons

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jennilah · 2 years

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every New Year's Time I like to take a moment to dive back into my diary and reflect on the last 12 months of my life.

You know, Im always worried someone will take this as... gloating or being self centered or something. I just... well, I guess to convince myself that its fine, I've just always loved blogging about my life and goings-on, good and bad. A few years back something happened that made me scared to talk about my life like I used to, and Im still trying to relearn that its ok to be self indulgent on my personal accounts.

And during these year roundups, I like taking the opportunity to expand more on things I kept quiet about, reflect on the big changes, or simply find the good moments in an otherwise rough year. I don't want anyone to compare their life to mine. This is just for fun.

I like reading about whats happening in the people Im following's lives too! I think its nice to stay in the loop like that...

That said... here's my 2021 Year In Review, if you're into that kind of thing

Ill start off by saying at the start of 2021, I was only a month into my new job. I was animating on WandaVision, and I was working entirely from home. It was nice getting some near-immediate gratification seeing our hard work on the screen only a month or so later. (LOOKING AT YOU, TOP GUN MAVERICK, WHICH I WORKED ON 2 YEARS AGO AND IS STILL YET TO COME OUT)

According to my diary early in the year I was still looking for therapists, so I wasn't doing too hot in the mental health department. I have since given up on that search because it was just too expensive, but also I think I am doing a little better now.

I will say, this year was the first year I can think of since.... god, ever? where I haven't had a hyper interest. Meaning, there's things I love dearly, but there's nothing occupying my mind 24/7. Nothing I want to make fanart of until my hands fall off. Nothing I want to read fanfictions of. (I am actually autistic, remember. This is probably the symptom that affects me the most and its been there my whole life. So when I say hyper interest, or special interest, I am not being dramatic. I am using it in the actual autistic spectrum definition) The absence of a current special interest for so long is a little debilitating. I realized, if I'm not daydreaming about something, my mind starts assaulting me with every thing that bothers me in the back of my mind. Especially since my last two special interests "ended" in bad terms. Both SPN and DBH I slowly faded from because of the discourse and hatred being spread among fandom members, my happy memories of both get shoved aside by the discourses and bullying ive seen and things ive read swirling in my head over and over and over and over and over on a repeat I cant stop thinking about it. I dont even know how to phrase it in a way that doesnt sound ridiculous. Trust me, its more frustrating for me than it is cringy for you. Every day, especially when trying to sleep. It's hell, and its one of the things I wanted therapy to help me handle. I'm still struggling with it. I try combating it by literally daydreaming of counting sheep like Im a child.

(so yes ive been a little desperate for my brain to latch onto something new with no drama but it hasnt yet. this is not something i can consciously do.)

But... in these fandomless times I am taking the opportunity to play new games, try to watch new shows, and actually READ SOME BOOKS. With no fanfiction to read before bed, I can actually... read a book. So I read some books. Specifically, The Locked Tomb trilogy (which apparently is gonna have 4 books now? Cool)

I've been enjoying those a lot! Cant wait for the next book. :)

I got to guest-lecture for an online class at my old college, SVA. That was super fun and I hope to do it again sometime! I love guest lecturing! The students don't need you to teach them technical things, they mostly just want advice, to hear your "story", and ask questions about what the industry is like. It's super fun! Always happy to supply that advice and information for any animation student who asks, online or offline.

I attended a zoom wedding, which was wild, but hey, I'm happy for that friend.

I started really getting into plants. My collection expanded quite a bit, and I have been having a lot of fun with that hobby. With no hyperinterest, my brain filled with plants. (I'm pretty sure Im not even joking there.)

Around springtime, I had my first review with my boss and supervisor about my performance. I'd say this was a small turning point. I am a Key Artist at my job, which is the highest rank before becoming a Lead, and I was nervous that I was underperforming because I still felt like a low Mid artist. Thats when they told me I was doing excellently, and I am one of the most reliable animators on the team. If they had any advice for me, it was that I worry and stress too much. (Ha. Yeah....... if that wasn't clear so far)

Anyway... that was an eye opener. Like hey, maybe I'm good at this thing after all.

Yeah. Wanted to keep that ball rolling, though. Hearing something like that only makes me want to work harder. At this time, I was also working on possibly the most fun project I got to animate on in my career so far- it was just SO up my alley and my supervisor really let me run free with my ideas. You'll see later 2022. (Unless it gets pushed)

Oh... got to this part in my diary. Well, this year I was hit with another big low. I lost my beloved pet cat Tiger, who was part of my life since I was 8 years old. Luckily, she lived a long happy life, and she passed peacefully. I was worried I would be wracked by nightmares about it for weeks like when I lost my dog a few years prior, but I think that was because his death was so sudden and so disturbing. I miss them both so much. I still cried so much, and still cry when I think about it too much. (See earlier about my brain attacking me lately. This is one of those things I get mentally assaulted with when trying to sleep) But... I'm ok. I handed it well, I think.

I played Horizon Zero Dawn, loved it. I watched the Fast and Furious franchise with some friends over discord, loved it.

Also, I will say, there was non-stop construction in my apartment building for like... over a year by that point. It was so loud, I had construction grade ear muffs just so I could focus on work or try to take naps. The noise was also incredibly debilitating to my mental state every day, along with my anxieties and covid shit and everything.

Late spring, my studio got together at a park to see each other in person for the first time. That was so nice, I was emotional about it. Clearly I was not having a good time the whole year until then, what with the noise and my anxiety and all. But I had 1 vaccine in my arm by that point, and seeing everyone was so lovely, I remember feeling really good that day.

Well... aside from the part where I almost blacked out.

I rode my kick scooter to the park and when I arrived, my vision got really blurry and I got really dizzy. I still don't know exactly what happened that day, but I was terrified. I thought I was going to ruin the picnic by having to be hospitalized. (yes, literally standing there silently with the group, unable to see, not saying anything, hoping I didnt pass out in front of everyone and ruin the fun)

I don't know what that was about, but it was a wake up call that I think I need to exercise more. I think my body was so used to being sedentary from being locked up in my apartment for a year, that small day of exertion nearly took me the fuck out.

Come June, my year really started turning around.

My application to be a tenant in a new apartment complex was approved! GOODBYE to my shitty old apartment with the cockroaches and construction noise and managers who don't care and water cuts and electric outages and fire alarms and everything.

My overall shittyass mood for a long time started improving with that moment.

I still had to deal with the old building for a few more months, but the new apartment on the horizon kept me goin'.

I also decided to start buying new clothes, better clothes that actually make me feel cute and confident. I love them! Too bad they are really only summer clothes though, so most of them are sitting in the closet until its appropriate to wear them again... but baby steps!

Then I got my second vaccine dose, and coupled with overall very good covid numbers in Montreal, I got to do some things again! I got to go to the movies again, my favorite thing! I got to see some friends again!

And then, I got to work in the office again! I got to talk to people again! I got to separate home from work again! (And I got to get away from the deafening construction noises at home again!)

I was feeling so much better!!!!

Then after some time of blissfulness, working diligently on Joe Pickett (check it out! its out now on Spectrum, and I think its coming out on Paramount+ soon? I think?) my boss called me up. I was a little worried, like oh no maybe I did something wrong- but nope! He offered me a very rare permanent position! (Instead of contract-to-contract, which is the story for most people in the industry here) Very exciting, and felt very nice being valued like that. Also very nice not having to worry about my work permit for as long as I want! (A big stress living abroad)

September and October was MOVING TIME GALORE. I took off time from work to move, and it was a lot of fun. Tiring, but fun. (Especially since because the two buildings were so close, I spent most of the time wheeling my belongings over back and forth in suitcases)

My friends also came over to help me paint, and my parents came up and helped me with the finishing touches. This was the first time I saw my parents since the pandemic started, because the borders finally reopened and everyone was vaccinated, so that was very emotional and very fun. (I am very close with them, and I missed them very much)

The new apartment has been so amazing its actually impressive. I realize now just how much I was settling for SHIT before. The place is so lovely, working from home here isnt even that bad. (I'll get to that in a minute)

Watched some more good shows and good movies. I started my trek into the world of slasher films for the first time, and that has been fun. I caught up on the Scream franchise with the same friends I watched the Fast and Furious franchise with. I loved the movies, but it was made even more fun by watching them with good friends.

Small dip in my mood when my pet fish, Pancakes passed away. It appeared to be from old age and the complications that come with it. She was "just" a fish, but god dammit, I loved my little fish. RIP, tiny friend.

Work was trucking along nicely. Working at the studio and bolstering in-person relationships was going excellently. I quickly made friends with my coworkers, getting to chat with them at lunch and friday afternoons and everything. They are a great group of people, 10/10 goofballs.

I talked to my boss about my progress again, now with nearly a year at the studio under my belt. It went even better than before. He restated that I am still one of the most reliable animators on the team, and he could see me being a Lead in the future and would begin my training the moment I say I want to do it. (I said I am flattered but extremely not ready yet) He also used that opportunity to say that I can come to him if theres any studio issues or changes I want to suggest, because thats how much of a grip I have on the studio, basically. They want to keep me happy as best they can and will try to help in any way.

...interesting...

Haven't really flexed that power yet, but it's there.

Come December, things started getting fishy again.

Things were happy, my brain isn't being attacked quite as much now with some of my daytime anxieties quelled, but... well, as you all must know by now, things started shutting down again.

My christmas trip home was cancelled for a myriad of reasons. I went from graciously knowing only two or three people with Covid over the last two years to now nearly ten at once. Theaters are closed again, bars, clubs, etc, and we are mandated to work from home again...

If I wasn't clear before, I prefer working from a studio. I was crushed. I cried, packing my desk things to work from home for another indeterminate amount of time. To not see my work friends again for another indeterminate amount of time.

The bright side is that working from home made the wintertime a little easier to bear last year, not having to walk in the slush and ice and all, so it should make things easier again this year. And my new apartment is much nicer to sit in all day... but oh well.

And... here we are. Mood has taken a solid hit. But.. trying to look up. Trying to stay hopeful for some nice things next year. Gonna try to reschedule that trip home for when it is warmer and the case count is low again... maybe I can see Top Gun with my family, or that other movie I mentioned. That would be nice.

Yesterday I bought a VR system... very excited about that. Always loved VR and wanted to have a system myself, and finally bought one. I'm excited to finally try out some games I've been wanting to play for a long time.

As for new years resolutions.. I definitely want to try to keep my head up. Continue to find the good in the bad. Also try to exercise more. (Not like serious gym-hitting or anything, but just try some baby steps... hopefully work my way up....)

#hh #hhh #hhhh #hhhhhh #hhhhhhhh #hhhhhhhhhhhhhh #hhhhhhhhhhhhh #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #god how many fuckin tags is it again so ur shit doesnt go public?#whatever man #personal #jennilargh

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vrnicky · 3 years

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Lets go with some...

Deal breakers and things they admire from someone!!

In a romantic way and also in general! Man, this is going to be long- REALLY LONG-

Gotta thanks @ratsoh-writes lol

Sans:

-His deal breaker is either hating his brother or just being an *ss. Dont get him wrong, he gets when someone is teasing or joking around but when he knows someone is a truly *ss, you've been ghosted. Romantically is literally the same without counting how much he loves his job, if the probably future s/o doesn't want him that busy as he gets then maybe dont be with him??? He can't let aside his job that he truly enjoy for someone that isn't even his s/o-

-Something he admire either platonically or romantically is if they're also invested in their work/studies. That they dont mind having to stay late doing something they enjoy and not being forced to do. If i say knowing to say puns is already too used but anyone can make jokes or be the joke; how the ones with the bubbly attitude just keep being themselves is also something he admires.

Papyrus:

-One of his deal breakers are totally seeing the bad side of everyone like, all of the people and world in general. He doesn't like hearing talking sh*t about someone who they dont know??? Just with the excuse of "just look how they dress!" If you do this, he may just snap at you and just to break any connections; he still believes in everyone until they show him otherwise. That goes for also romantically! Too much jealous and trying to manipulate him is also one.

-Since he already sees the good in everyone what isn't something he admire from someone??? Platonically how they stood up for what they want and dont listen to some "extras" who are just jealous; romantically is another different thing, no matter your appearence because none of them would care but how compasive and kind they are is something he admire from his crushes.

Blue:

-His deal breaker either platonically or romantically for him, is one. Being treated as a child, he HATES it with all of his soul being treated like glass just because he is "small" and cute?? Well, cute he knows it; i think all my sanses would not tolerate someone who hate their brother or talk bad about them. Its a rule.

-If he ever meet someone like him, small, cute at everyone's eyes but they used to win stuff (without going that high) thats something he admires because not all the time he gets what he wants when he ask for it because he is "small" but instead, they can do it without a problem? How cool! Romantically may be acting like you want to act without waiting for everyone to like you, you're the one making decisions, not them!!

Miere:

-He is the most chill with deal breakers and that because.. he doesn't care that much but people making him choose between them or another cigarette/videogames/etc actually makes him mad and mostly uncomfortable, okay, you want me to probably choose you? Then gain it, its stupid how you try to compare yourself to something that isn't alive, for god's sake...

-People who actually give sh*t to people who expect a lot from them, he feels.. protective mostly from those ones since you do you man! He's here to support you in that big step you actually want to do for yourself, not your family, friends, neighbors. He likes their bravery.

Red:

-His more deal breakers were slowly fading away as he got "comfortable" in the surface but he still has one, someone who is really interested in scaring him by getting behind him; yes, it may be stupid but he HATES it because that return him into the underground when he could have been dusted in a blink of an eye, NEVER ever do that to Red.

-If someone can flirty and not get flustered thats a "marry me please" from Red, mostly joking.. unless. But also the fact of compliments that aren't in a flirt fight, genuine compliments also get him and he really admire them, like a lot actually. Use it either just to fluster him and get him grumpy or just do it if you want him to crush on you and deny it.

Cap:

-Lazy people, hands down or well, dirty people. He just can't help it, he hates watching a place so trash down but dont get him wrong; if you work 24/7, he will let it pass and if you're already friends he may help you and even help you organize everything. But if you dont work or study and have everything as a chaos... he may never go to your house again, total mother attitude.

-Now, what you really expect from him, everything in order and everything clean, If you can keep that even with your job or study, he may start being interested in you, legit. Or also if you take your job really seriously, If you want something and you go for it without having to hurt anyone in the process may also crush him hard, he doesn't like the ones who likes to feel superior of other people. If you want to be a good leader, you have to treat your team in a good way if you're expecting them to do a great job.

Black:

-Say something sh*tty about his brother and he is so done with you right now, like, another type of done with you. His brother is his everything and you better not try to ask him to choose between him or you because, sorry not sorry but he's choosing Slim, you had that win from before. Also blaming them about everything they went through. No, get the f*ck away.

-The protective instict towards family is something he will always respect, no questions asked; If you either have older or younger brother doesn't matter, for him it matter how much you protect them for love, of course, dont make them useless, just, let them know how much you care for them and Black would soften a little.

Slim:

-If you call him a baby because of wanting to be with his brother or trying to protect him, you wouldn't get it so dont talk about something you wont understand. Also the fact of making fun of his insecurities affect him HARD. Mostly because of his jealousy, he cant help it because a lot of people are better than him but here you are, making fun of him. People are better than you, after all.

-If you're also touch starved, dont get him wrong, he doesn't want anyone to be touch starved but he may enjoy more if you are since he's clingy even with friends, you're just so soft and squishy! If you're his s/o in the other hand.. he's more flirty clingy or child clingy by your side, you decide lol.

Hans:

-He's really weird because platonically, he hates that his friends or people trust so easily and romantically is the opposite! He hates when his crush/s/o doesn't trust them. That has an explanation, he doesn't trust that easily even with his joker attitude and when he probably accept his feelings towards a person, he started trusting more and more but now they dont trust him??? Like??? That's a really deal breaker for him.

-Now, he admires those people who had been hurt before but still can see the bright side of everything, yet, he doesn't understand them enough. That works for just a friend or crush/s/o. He will admire them not letting a Karen ruin their day too lol.

Edan:

-Saying his brother didn't suffer enough, making him less at what he felt as a toddler in a fell world... yeah basically you gain hate instead of love from Edan. He HATES hearing sh*t of his bro but the sh*t that involves his past or scars. That's his true deal breaker. No matter if its for s/o or just friend, dont say sh*t of his brother.

-Now, one word, fashion. Yes, he may not like dressing up that much as the old lady squad or that but he legit admires people who make perfect outfits that help their tone of skin, hair color, eyes, body, etc look good!

Allen:

-If you remember him how he killed those children because HE PROMISED to give his world freedom.. get the f*ck out of his sight; the sad thing of that is, he wont get mad, he will get sad and his hate towards himself would be stronger, please, dont do it.

-Someone who is really the word generous, no matter if you may ended up without nothing but you help someone in need and not expecting something back. He may crush on you thanks to that, he can't help it.

Bliss:

-If you call him out by the fact he left his brother alone, he has his reasons and both of them already talk about that. Dont bring that conversation ever again in his face, he gets MAD at that. Also hurting or insulting children AND talking sh*t of his brother, he doesn't want anyone talking bullsh*t at the back of his older brother.

-If you're a EXPERT with kids, he may put you in a fricking shrine; dude, he has the attitude of Toriel, of course he will want someone that likes kids and know how to deal with them. Either for just a friend or s/o, he may crush on you tho lol.

Zen:

-Treat him like he is scary and he is some type of weird creature... He may ghost you if you do, yes, he may be more taller and bigger than Sans but he is more soft than him. Of course, he may want you to treat him with patience mostly, his memory isn't the best so he may ask you twice about everything. If you're not patience then you shouldn't have talked to him in first place.

-Again, Patience is the key of Zen and if you either have literally the soul trait of patience or is in your personality; he really admire how patience you can be with either elder people or small kids, he may slowly crush but he may not know.

Max:

-A little the same as Zen, treat him like a weird creature and he may be upset at it and a upset Max is no joke; also treating his brother like a child or abusing his bad memory to get away with something... now that something that would make him MAD, since the famine has passed, he may got the older brother role and someone treating bad his brother make his non-existing blood boil.

-While Zen wants someone with a patience attitude, he wants a kindness attitude, he just wants someone that would be nice to everything and everyone, not giving a single f*ck if is a human, monster, elder, kid, etc. He just want them to be friendly and kind, more because of his scary look with his softie attitude, two totally different things in only one monster; that's him.

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years

Note

tw domestic violence, sex

idk if im looking to vent or get advice but i atleast wanted to get it off my chest. my boyfriend beat me up so bad the other day i have a black eye and scratches all over my neck. ive kind of just accepted it as the price of being with him. i love him with all my heart and miss him the second hes away. today though i was looking at myself in the mirror and it dawned on me how wack i look feeding our newborn looking like this. i dont want him to think its ok i dont him to grow up and do the same to his girlfriend. im so messed up the night after he wanted me to suck his dick and i tried but couldn’t cause he hurt my neck so bad it was hard to physically suck. the other day he told me he likes chocking people because they have to do what he says in that moment and ik the statistics on dv and strangulation. but i dont want us to break up i just want him to stop i made a family with him why does he have to treat me this way? why am i so weak that im literally willing to accept it? i dont know whats wrong with me im not even the same person i was when we started dating and he doesn’t even help with anything around the house or the baby and i have to do everything even tho im the only one bringing in any money and ughggggggh

whats funny (but obviously not) is that in movies showing domestic violence the woman literally lives in fear or her abuser and im sure its that way for many in real life. but i dont live in fear i dont worry at the drop of a hat i say whatever i want (no filter super messed up stuff because he can hit me so why should i censor myself?) most fights are just regular fights. i never know when its gonna turn physical. even after it turns physical im not scared of him ik hes just trying mess with me. its when i push him beyond that point is when i get scared. when he puts his hands on me and wont stop even when im crying and begging. he hates so much when i cry as he freaking chokes me and it makes it worse. what does that mean? am i supposed to live in fear 24/7 or is it just not that bad?

First of all anon, I want to say that your feelings here are valid. You don’t need to fit the stereotype of living in fear 24/7. Like most stereotypes, it doesn't hold true for everyone outside of movies. Living in fear 24/7 creates a lot of on-screen tension that helps the audience connect and that's why they do it in movies. Real life domestic violence is a lot more complex and nuanced. Many people do not live in fear 24/7. Many describe exactly the feelings you describe - of being afraid when their partners go too far, but other times feeling brave, loving, or indifferent. Or some describe feeling safe and certain their partner has changed during the honeymoon phase before feeling unsafe again when their partner gets violent again. Not everyone has to react the same way to the same things, and your experiences are valid no matter how you feel or respond to them.

I also want to point out that you are not weak. Not even a little bit. But if you genuinely feel that way, I do want to say that feeling weak is completely valid, and that it doesn’t make you less worthy. You are worthy now, as you are. Completely.

It’s completely valid if you are having conflicting feelings about staying with your partner as well as having feelings about abuse not being okay. These feelings can co-exist. Most domestic violence survivors don't want their relationships to end, they just want the abuse to end. They love their abuser and wish they could just get their partner to treat them better. This is incredibly common. The reason for that is that abusers are rarely ever horrible 100% of the time. And they're rarely ever horrible right from the beginning (otherwise it would be much more difficult to lure victims to be with them). So in most cases of abuse, the survivor has lots of great memories (sometimes even recent great memories and loving moments) with their abuser. And when the abuse happens and they want it to stop, they don't want to get out of the relationship, they just want things to go back to being like it was in the good memories. It’s completely normal to have an array of feelings, even conflicting ones. And they are all valid.

I want you to know that I am in no way judging you at all. I am just offering perspectives here, and one of those is thinking about your child. Even if you are convinced that he would never harm your child, your child could still be at risk. He may not have hurt your newborn yet, but it's not uncommon for people who engage in domestic violence to end up also physically abusing children later. Even if your boyfriend doesn't hurt your child, just witnessing abuse can also be traumatizing and have lasting effects. It's okay if you're not ready to leave, it doesn't make you weak to accept the abuse and to choose to stay. There are a lot of complicated feelings involved in domestic violence especially with a child involved and wanting to keep the "family" together. You're not weak or wrong for having those feelings. But I still encourage you to think about whether this is the environment that you want to raise your child in. Especially since you don't want him to grow up seeing that kind of behaviour modeled for him and then decide to treat his future girlfriend that way.

One possibility for getting help that I want you to be aware of is taking the baby to the pediatrician is a good way to tell someone privately that you and your baby need help. They often have resource connections locally at doctors offices. You can also call a domestic violence hotline in your area or reach out to a local shelter if you have access to a phone that your abuser doesn't monitor (for example a friend's phone).

If you can, document any injuries. Preferably by seeing a doctor, but taking photos yourself and keeping notes of dates/times work too. This is a good idea even if you don’t plan to leave or file charges yet (or ever). It’s good to have for if you ever change your mind down the road and need to try and secure custody. If you document your injuries yourself, please try and make sure the documentation is somewhere your partner can’t find and destroy/delete it.

Another thing we suggest is to find a local domestic violence crisis center for help, or you can use virtual resources. Link 1, Link 2, or you can call 800-799-7233 if you are in the US. If you are in immediate danger, 911 (or your local emergency number) is always available to call.

- Mod April, Mod Allison, & Mod Emmett

#trauma talks #tw abuse #tw sex mention #abuse #physical abuse #domestic violence #mod april #mod allison #mod emmett #trauma details

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we-are-inevitable · 3 years

Note

About this new au....

I want headconnons of each first date comparatively

Like, did they go to a coffee shop the first time? And if they did, Would they go get coffee again for their second first date? Or would they go to a bookstore or something because they don’t want it to be the same?

~Jax

OHHH I LOVE THIS

okay so like. as i mentioned, jack and davey are just ,, complete wrecks when the first meet, so:

their first date is a 'party.'

like, a frat party.

for reference, they probably met at a different party, and probably made out at that first party, so jack texts davey and invites him to the next party and the rest is history.

they're both expecting just to hang out and get to know each other and, well, they both get crossfaded and end up waking up in bed together the next morning with little-to-no memory of what actually happened after the party.

now, if you dont count that as a date, then their first "date" was at a shitty little diner downtown, and they definitely dined-and-dashed and ended up smoking together in a park.

like i said, they're very dysfunctional and very bad people; they're immature and selfish and they almost hyperfixate on each other and confuse last and excitement for love.

now, between their breakup and reunion, they both finish school and begin their respective professions. they mature and reflect on past mistakes and try to better themselves every day, which MEANS:

their SECOND first date is to a simple cafe.

nothing big or extravagant; this is still new, still fragile, and honestly, they don't know if they're going to work, so why not go small at first and build their way up?

they make small talk and have a dinner where neither of them need a smoke break

side note: i DO think they'd both still smoke cigarettes; not nearly as much as they used to, but that's one habit neither of them have been able to completely kick.

also Jack still smokes weed but more as an anxiety/relaxation thing and not an "i need to be high 24/7 or i'll lose it" thing

BUT ANYWAY BACK TO THE DATE

it goes surprisingly well, and afterwards, they don't rush anything. they don't even kiss until the 4th or 5th date; they're really taking their time with this, because they want it to work, and they're working for it.

#newsies #jack kelly #davey jacobs #david jacobs #javid #javey #newsies live #livesies #jac txt.#newsies headcanons #right person wrong time au #jax tag

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surveysonfleek · 3 years

Text

1596.

1. How has covid affected you? it had its pros and cons. we’re just about to come out of a 3month lockdown and honestly i was okay with it. i got to work from home, i saved a ton of money from not going out and i got a lot done. 2. What is a comfort show of yours ? the office 3. Are you open about your past or do you not let anyone in? im pretty open about it when asked 4. Favourite fast food joint? kfc! 5. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? if im honest, probably not. we aint shit compared to the rest of the universe

6. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? bought land to build a house on 7. Do u ever feel like surveys are usually the same questions? yes. i wouldnt be surprised if ive done that same survey multiple times over the years 8. What were you doing 10 years ago? i was still at uni, living life lol 9. Do you call out Karen’s when they’re harassing a cashier? i honestly havent come across that in public 10. Animal crossing , yay or nay? yay! although, i did get over it after 2 weeks. i bought a switch just for it and now its basically unused 11. Why do you like to do surveys? something to pass the time 12. Did you ever have a MySpace ? yes 13. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? not really. it depends on what youre agreeing to. i think the space apart can actually really help 14. Do you have a YouTube channel? If no , would you create one? If yes what’s your content? yes and i havent uploaded in years. i traveled a lot like 5 years ago so i documented all my vacations 15. Are you a math person? i can do simple maths pretty quickly but thats about it 16. What’s the worse thing someone has said to you? hmm none comes to my head but theres been shit said to me for sure 17. Have you ever befriended someone because you felt bad? nope 18. Would you ever date someone online? mostly likely not 19. Have you been ghosted before? Would you ghost someone? no 20. When do you think things will be normal again? i dont think itll ever be normal. i feel like people will forever be weird about massive crowds etc 21. Do you watch anime? only as a kid. i got a free trial on anime lab to watch sailor moon and i couldnt get into any other shows. its just not my thing 22. Biggest goal you wanna reach before 2020 is over ? 2020 is over and done with 23. How old did/do you turn this year ? im old haha, i dont wna talk about it :( 24. Do you like tiktok? yes 25. Do you ever miss vine? i never got into vine 26. How are you doing, seriously? look, im fine. i just need to start getting shit done 27. Is there someone you want to talk to but you know you can’t? kinda. and thats fine. 28. Do you make jokes to cope with your problems? nah 29. Have you ever had someone call you their best friend but you didn’t even consider them a close friend? hahaha no, thatd be awkward 30. Have you ever dealt with a pathological liar? cant say i have 31. Long or short surveys? in between. sometimes long boring surveys are just draining 32. If ur in school , are you doing it on zoom or in class? not in school 33. Would you ever have a pet rat? noooo 34. Favourite memory with your best friend? travel memories <3 probably san francisco 35. Favourite type of content to watch on YouTube? a bit of everything. interviews, travel vlogs, podcasts 36. Are you allergic to anything serious? nah 37. Dream job? id love to be the person/people who create new scents for bath and body works haha 38. Do you think dreams mean anything? nothing that would dictate your life but im sure its def got something to do with ur subconscience 39. Fav clothing brand? h&m 40. Do you miss anyone? my dad

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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girlmounter · 3 years

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URGENT QUESTION TO ALL MY FOLLOWERS, I NEED YOUR FEEBACK!

Okay so here's the situation. I am asking you all to please please read this through and like, maybe tell me if I made the right decision... because I feel terrible about this. I would love it if someone told me if this is correct or wrong and I should've done something else. I'm not a popular blog, so whoever this post might reach (which is not going to be a lot of people) please please take some time out to read this through. I know it's a really long post, but I really really need your opinion on this. If you don't have the time right now, maybe just reblog it and save it for later. It would also help this post reach more people. Also please check the tags for the trigger warnings.

I have been going to a therapist for about 5 months now. My mom, as you probably know by now, is narcissistic and my dad enables her, along with my mom's parents who we live with. I have no siblings, and I just turned 17. Since we live in Asia, all you desi people know how hard society is on us when we go against our parents, who are supposed to be godly figures.

So all along, my therapist, (for confidentiality's sake we'll call him Sam, 21), has been bent on making me talk to them. I dont know why. I've tried explaining so many times that talking to my mom is not an option because 1) NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE DON'T EVER CHANGE and 2) my mom WILL use all my words against me and twist them into whatever she wants and later bring them up to bring me down. You guys with narcissistic parents know this shit too well.

It's not like I haven't ever even tried talking to them, I have! I've done it so many times, with a calm tone, in the most diplomatic way possible. There were times I tried to get the point across by crying and being desperate too. There were also times where I thought anger might work out.

It never did. It doesn't. It won't, because she is not looking for solutions or for mending the bond between us. All she wants is to infantilize me and keep me under her control forever. Mom and dad both want this. They don't ever want to let me out of their sights. They don't let me out of their sights.

A very long story short, I am supervised 24/7, I don't have much of a phone, I don't have friends, I don't have any family members who would support me, I don't have much of a family either tbh. I am monitored like crazy, gaslighted every single day, lied to, manipulated like hell, and babied to the point where it's just narcissistic infantilization and not concern anymore. To them, I'm a baby when it suits them, and I'm an adult when it suits them better that way. She doesn't care about what I think because apparently I'm a liar and to all those people out there who know the smear campaigning and the flying monkeys and the triangulation....yeah. All of that happens on a regular basis. I know I'm not providing any concrete proof and situations but please believe me. Please believe me. My memory is so shot I can't remember anything and i know it doesn't work out in my favor but please please believe me I'm telling the truth...

I have made three suicide attempts, I used to cut and was very badly addicted to it, and now I don't cut, but yeah I'll be sharing the reason in a little bit. Please hold on, this means a huge deal to me. Please don't scroll past this.

So Sam never really even had a smidge of doubt that my mom might be narcissistic, and I wasn't given the benefit of doubt either. After months of research when I myself figured that it might be narcissism, I told him and he went along with it. He does believe me now. But somehow I don't feel very understood. I dont feel better after I talk to him. I feel like my problems are trivial and that I'm just not working hard enough. I feel misunderstood and I never feel satisfied. I asked him for tips to deal with crushing loneliness and panic attacks and stuff like that, but I never receive real answers. When I asked for help with my suicidal thoughts, he just said that it's never an option and that's it. That's the only answer I got. When I asked for help with cutting, the only answer I got was that if I even tried to cut again, I'd lose him.

Like. Is that really how therapy is supposed to work?

Half of the time we just while time away, talking as if we're friends and I mean, it's a paid session. We're not very financially well off right now, what with the pandemic and everything, and we're paying him 2000 INR a week. It's a lot for us because we ain't exactly rich. That's like 10,000 INR a month.

I try to talk, I'm told that I don't stop talking and don't let him speak. When I don't speak, I'm not speaking enough. I dont feel comfortable anymore in a way that I think I should be with a therapist. I have recieved more helpful advice from actual PhD psychologists who are making videos on dealing with narcissism on YouTube. I feel more understood by them than I ever have with him. So many times I have left the session crying and hours later I'd still be stifling tears. So many times I don't feel heard and I feel like if I told him something he'd be angry. Sometimes he snaps and is like way too straightforward and it just doesn't do well with me. He doesn't support a lot of stuff that I support, like anti body shaming, especially for overweight people and stuff like LGBTQIA+ too, really. I'm mocked in an underhand way if I express that I support stuff that he doesn't really like. It's not straightforward but... I can't shake the feeling.

I do sometimes look forward to the sessions, if only because I'll have someone to talk to...but that's pretty much it. I'm not getting anything out of this. He claims that no one will understand me the way he does, and he keeps comparing my life to his, which I don't like. He says that in a way he and I both very similar and he relates to me and then proceeds to tell me about events in his life. He says that I'm his favorite client and now a good friend too, but I feel like that's not how it should be. And I do make an effort to listen to him tell me stuff about his life but...shouldn't it be the other way round?

Now I'm not saying that he is a bad person. I have loads of my own issues too; severe depression, crippling anxiety, overthinking every freaking thing, I'm like 100% sure I have complex PTSD from this childhood trauma, constant pain everywhere, crazy headaches, flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations sometimes, and major emotion repression. I'm dealing with a million and one things right now and yes that might be causing me to feel worse about this situation than I should. I admit that I'm not exactly thinking about this in a diplomatic way...but somehow it doesn't feel right, and hence this really long post.

If you're still here, thank you so much. Your reading this is doing something that means a lot to me. Truly.

He exercises a lot, and he gave me a whole schedule to follow with the meals I should eat and the exercise I should do and somehow I never feel like I'm doing enough. If I miss out I can't tell him because he always reprimands me for messing up. I dont feel comfortable about opening up and then he forces me to do that and then when I do I don't feel better.

Lately, we'd been talking about how I need to tell my parents to their face what I feel is wrong with their actions, and how without that happening there's no point to our sessions anymore. Straight up went that if I don't talk to them on this Sunday, then we're not going to have sessions anymore.

I tried explaining to him many times how my mom will never change, how I don't want to enrage them further, how I don't want to give her more information on my life that she can use against me again...but no use.

He insisted over and over again on how she has no idea what she's doing to me, and if we just talked it out, my whole situation will be fine. This is just a huge misunderstanding.

I tried so hard to make him understand that that's not how it works for her, she doesn't want to resolve things and she'll just jump at the first chance she gets to use all my information against me, but no. I tried telling him that I have talked to her before and that I also used to think that if I just told her what they were doing wrong, then they would understand and mend their ways, I mean it took me YEARS to convince myself that it was never gonna happen! I tried it so many times and everytime I fell for this trap and everytime I regretted it but he doesn't get that! At all! That they're never gonna change!

Instead of helping me get over them, instead of telling me how to move on, instead of helping me grieve over my entire childhood... he was forcing me to talk things out with them, because if I didn't tell them I would be keeping it inside me and letting that fester would be bad.

I agree that it's not healthy for me to keep things to myself, which is why I talked to him right? And the things which are troubling me cannot be resolved with them because they refuse to change their ways!

The only thing that would come out of that family discussion is me at a disadvantage and them at an advantage by having all the latest scoop on my life and then have my mom (who is a doctor who has also done a course on CBT) psychoanalyse me even more than she does now. I'd be tailed harder. It will get worse and I know it. I've seen it and I promised myself that I would never make the same mistake of opening up to them honestly ever again. And here Sam wanted me to that very thing.

And I agreed initially, I tried convincing myself that maybe it'll work out and after all, Sam will be defending me and everything (even though he did say he would support them if he found them correct) but I didn't feel good about it. I remembered that a therapist is supposed to make you feel more at ease and let you take your own time to process through things and never force a client to do something if they had doubts about it.

And so I texted him today, and I refused. He said we won't have any more sessions, but I said it's fine. Because I don't want to go to him anymore anyway. I think I would rather have no one to talk to, than have someone belittle my experiences and just overall make me feel worse than I did when I first entered the session.

There's more stuff that was related to this, and if you guys want to know something before making your judgement of this situation, please please please ask me, message me, but please just have a bird's eye view on this whole thing and tell me if I made the right decision...please.

I would really appreciate some feedback right now.

Thank you so,so much for sticking with me till the end of this post. It means the world to me, honestly. I couldn't thank you more.

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horansqueen · 4 years

Text

You & Me : chapter 43

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: wow, it took a while didnt it? i have a hard time writing this story for a few specific reasons and thats why it takes me longer. i also need to plan the ending of this and its not easy because im scared to forget something. but i hope you enjoy this chapter! thanks so much for still reading this story!!!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : its late and i hope i dont forget any! i didnt add everything from the 2nd request in my chapter tho. i also promise more requests in the next chapter! its all planned so thank you!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 43 : His chapter

NIALL

June 25th, 2018

"Okay, move slightly on the right." I heard her, doing what she told me cautiously. "Now watch out, there's a step."

"Big or small?"

"Uhm, medium" she replied after thinking about it.

"Gee Liv, thanks!" I replied sarcastically before I carefully tried to put my foot on the step.

She guided me with difficulty until the car and I packed her last few boxes in the trunk. We sat in the car and I started it, feeling her gaze on me but I tried to ignore it until I felt her hand on my thigh. I suddenly relaxed and my eyes met hers for half a second before going back on the road.

"You should have let me help you." she pointed out with a soft voice. "I can carry more than one box, you know."

The left corner of my lips raised gently and I glanced at her again before stopping at a red light and turning my head completely her way. Her eyebrows raised and I sent her a small smile, shaking my head.

"I want you to let me take care of you." I admitted, bending closer to press my lips gently against hers in a quick kiss. "Besides, an old lady like you shouldn't carry heavy things."

With a chuckle, she slapped my arm gently as I started laughing and started driving again. It was already mid june and we had been working on her moving in with me for about a week. Most things were actually bought by Louis so all the furniture stayed there but it took us a while to pack all her stuff and bring the boxes to my house. I mean, our house.

"I'm only two years older than you!" she argued, making me laugh even more. "Do I have to call you 'kiddo'?"

"Please, I'm a man." I let out with a frown, half-joking. "You know it, you've seen me naked."

"Oh how my life has changed since then." she replied wih a chuckle, making me smile too.

We brought her stuff to our room and started unpacking together after I put music on. It invaded the house so loudly that the neighbours probably heard since we had opened the windows. It was a warm saturday afternoon and I still had a little bit more than a week off. I knew we were going to miss each other since I was about to leave for three months (even if i was going to be back here at some point in august for a few concerts) but we didn't talk about it much, as if it would make things worst.

I kept glancing at her from time to time as I was putting her stuff in my closet and my lips curled when I noticed she was dancing while putting her clothes in her dresser. It was nothing new. She had always been like that but somehow, at this exact moment, it made me realize how perfect this moment was. Loud music, finally sharing a house with the woman I loved, watching my girlfriend dance and sing happily close to me with a promise ring hidden in my underwear drawer. That whole scenario happening right in front of me felt like the accomplishment of something very very important and even if I couldn't define exactly what, I tried to remember this in my brain like the movie of a memory I wanted to watch over and over again until i'd be on my death bed. The smallest details seemed important and when she moved a lock of hair that had stuck on her lips behind her ear, I held my breath. Could I write a song about this?

She turned around and our eyes met and suddenly, her lips curled into a fond smile. I loved when she looked at me like that. I was used to it, because she's looked at me like that for as long as I could remember, but it's only now, the second time we're dating, that I realized what it meant and how important it was.

"Are you gonna help me or are you just going to stare at me while I do all the work?"

I chuckled and rolled my eyes before shaking my head and grabbing an other box. It was heavy and when I opened it, I saw a bunch of books, the first one on the top being the one she was reading at the moment. I knew because sometimes we'd just sit together in the living room in silence. She'd read and sometimes i would too, or id end up writing, or playing guitar. Just being in the same room was enough sometimes and I liked it. I grabbed the book and turned it around to read the summary but something else caught my attention and I frowned. Something was sticking out of the book and I pulled on it slightly only to see my face and hers on a few pictures. It came from the photobooth and if my memory served me right, it was from the first time we dated. I pulled on it more to see all the pictures and finally just opened the book so she wouldn't lose her page and let my eyes roam on the older pictures of us. I remembered how I felt, but I was well aware it was not comparable to the feelings I had now.

"Can't believe you kept this."

My eyes didn't move from the pictures but I felt her stop moving and finally get closer to me. I sat on my bed and I felt her sit next to me in silence until I finally looked up in her eyes.

"You have no idea of all the things I kept." she admitted and I could swear her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink. "I kept a lot of souvenirs of you, Niall."

My smile curled a bit and she chuckled. "Really?"

"Oh don't look at me like that, it's not like I built a shrine for you or anything." she just rolled her eyes. "But your friendship and your love... yea, it's important for me."

I ran my thumb gently on the pictures for a few more minutes and finally put them back in the book before closing it. I stared at it until Liv grabbed my hand and I squeezed her fingers, looking up at her and sending her a smile.

"You know we need to christen the rooms." This time, she let out a loud laughter and it made my lips curl. "It's true!"

"It only applies to new places, Niall!" she laughed more. "We've already had sex pretty much in all the rooms of this house, and that says a lot!"

"Are you sure?" I asked, raising my eyebrows before she nodded. "All the bathrooms? Bedrooms?" She nodded again and I raised my nose up with a low groan, making her laugh again. "There must be somewhere we didn't fuck!"

"On the dryer."

"What?" I frowned.

"We never fucked on your dryer." she repeated with an amused smile, her head tilted. "We fucked in the showers, kitchen's table, kitchen's counter, on the couch, on the floor of the living room, in all the beds, on all the bedroom floors, in the music room and against that piano.. One time you even grabbed me when I got out of the shower to fuck me against the wall in the hall."

The left corner of my lips curled as the memory came back to my head and I raised my eyebrows. "Oh yea, I remember."

"But I don't remember fucking on the dryer."

My eyes roamed on her and I licked my lips. "We can do that now."

"Join me in 5 minutes?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise when she suddenly got up and left. My fingers gripped the book in my hands tighter and I finally put it on the bed before turning my eyes to the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life and if I wanted to be honest, I only waited 3 and a half anyway.

I heard the dryer's noise and frowned a bit when I realized she had started it and when I got there, she was sitting on it and I noticed the matching black and silk panties and bra she was wearing. Her legs were hanging down the dryer and she was holding herself with her hands slightly behind her body, her dark hair falling near her back, and I stopped as soon as our eyes met.

"When did you put this on?"

"I wore them all day." she admitted with a smirk before chuckling when my face changed. "I mean, I wanted to show you but we were sort of busy."

I took a few steps closer slowly and put my palms on her thighs, sliding my hands up very slowly on her soft skin.

"Spread your legs, petal." I whispered as she bit her bottom lip but did as I asked.

"I wasn't sure if it actually looked good on me." she admitted low and I shook my head quickly.

"Oh shut up, darling, this makes me so fucking hard." To prove my point, I turned my hips a bit and pressed my hard cock through my pants against her naked thigh. "See?"

I ran my hands up to her breasts, touching them before slipping one of my hands under it to run the tip of two of my fingers on her nipple. "I'm so torn right now. I want to rip it off of you, but watching them on you is so fucking hot."

"Just move my panties aside and fuck me."

Her eyes seemed to sparkle but her expression was needy and I just licked my lips, bringing my hands down to my jeans and unzipping them as I kept staring at her.

"Such a needy little slut." I let out in a low tone. "Tell me how bad you want my cock. Beg me."

Her eyes never leaving mine, she brought her feet on the dryer, exposing her panties even more to me and slowly, I took my cock out and started stroking it. I could feel the dryer getting warmer and the way she seemed to shake over it made me want her even more.

"Fuck, Niall, I want you so bad. I need you deep inside me." she whimpered and licked her lips. "Please, Niall, I need your cock, please i'm begging you, fuck me."

I jerked off harder, making sure the tip of my dick rubbed against her pussy over her panties, and she whimpered and bit her bottom lip harder.

"Move your panties, pet. Show me your pretty little cunt."

She did as I asked and my eyes dropped between her legs as I moved even closer, close enough for the tip of my cock to push inside her. I groaned low and she let out a short whimper as I felt her throb around me.

"Deeper." she breathed out. "Fill me."

Quickly, I pushed myself inside her until I was balls deep and she let out a moan, her head falling back slightly and her eyes fluttering.

"Like this petal? How does my cock feel?"

She squirmed slightly and with difficulty but I watched her shake glancing a few times down to watch her grind despite herself on my dick. The feeling was amazing and I groaned louder when I felt her clench around me.

"So good, so fucking good." she whimpered again.

"You're so fucking wet and horny I just want to watch you fuck yourself on my cock until you cum all over it, baby girl." I let out without thinking. "How about you do that?"

I moved as close as I could and she ground on me for a few minutes. I loved the way she moved, all her facial expressions and the way her moans sounded but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed her waist, my fingers sinking in her skin as I pulled her against me in motion with my thrusts.

"Fuck, i'm gonna cum." I just said still going hard.

I didn't know if it was because of my words or if she had been holding it for a while but she started shaking even harder against me as she came, my name escaping her lips in incredible moans and bringing me to my own orgasm. I shut my eyes tight, pushing myself so hard against her to make sure I went as deep as I could, and when I got down from my high, I leaned my forehead against hers, eyes still closed, as we both panted with parted lips.

"This is so much better." I whispered, moving a bit to reach her lips with mine.

"Better than what?" she asked in a breath as I kissed her gently again.

"Better than anything. Better than anyone." I confessed. "Better than sex without feelings."

It took her about a minute to talk but her words made me open my eyes suddenly.

"Are you in love with me, Niall?"

I pulled away to look in her eyes and frowned for a few seconds before shaking my head. I knew she was probably asking me simply because she wanted to hear it but I couldn't help but fear that she doubted it.

"Yes. I am in love with you, Olivia." I affirmed. "It will never change. I'll always be in love with you, for as long as I live, and maybe even after."

---

June 29th, 2018

I was a bit sad she had insisted on inviting Louis and Eleanor on her birthday but I went along with it because it was her day and I loved her. She also had asked for nothing big, just a movie and games night with our friends, and somehow, I was down with that. Normally, I'd want to celebrate in a bar with many more friends but we were about to be separated for a while and I was not in the mood to celebrate that. I was just grateful I could spend her birth day with her.

"Okay, Liv, you sit next to me. Your boyfriend can sit next to El." I heard Louis say as I walked back in the living room with two bowls of popcorn.

"Excuse me? I pretty much intend on watching this movie cuddling my girlfriend, thank you very much!" I argued with a frown as I stood in the middle of the living room.

"If we do that we'll just spend an hour and a half making out!" Louis explained with round eyes. "At least you two will! You're both horny animals!"

"It's not like we were gonna fuck in front of you." I pointed out, rolling my eyes before sitting next to Eleanor who just laughed.

"Don't be a jealous boyfriend, Niall. Liv was my roommate before being your girlfriend again and I'm very sad that I can't wake her up by literally jumping in her bed at 6 in the morning anymore!" he joked with a chuckle before turning to my girlfriend. "Bet you miss it too!"

"6 in the morning?" I repeated with a frown again. "You never wake up so early."

"He did when he had meetings for his album." Olivia pointed out. "As you already know, 'pain in the ass' is in his DNA."

I laughed and she did too but the way she looked at me made me smile. Louis placed his arm on the back of the couch, near her shoulders, and I groaned low at sight. It's not that I wanted to read too much into this, but it was bothering me a lot and it was tough to hide. I was not the type to be jealous and I knew Olivia loved me, but every time I saw them near each other, I couldn't help but remember that they fucked multiple times and that nothing could ever erase that.

What took me out of my thoughts was something hitting my nose and the sweet laughter of my girlfriend. I shook my head slightly and sent her a smile as she sent me more popcorn and I grabbed some from my own bowl before throwing it at her, too. She laughed louder and we kept on throwing popcorn at each other until Louis groaned and stopped the movie. It was crazy how easily Louis could make himself home. He was using my remote for my tv, was sitting on my favorite spot on the couch, cuddling with my girlfriend.

"Fine! Fine I get it!" Louis gave in, raising his hand up in defeat. "You guys can't stay too far away from each other for too long. It's sad but it is what it is!"

He practically jumped off the couch and walked up to me. After a quick head movement, I sent him a smile and got up to. I let myself fall next to Liv and immediately, she cuddled my side like a magnet, making me smile more. I had no idea why I was insecure when it came to Louis, but she proved over and over again that I had no reason to be. I wrapped my arm around her to pull her closer and we finished the movie before grabbing a few beers and talking. It was almost 3 in the morning when Louis and El left and I watched as Liv got up, yawned and stretched.

"I'm so tired, let's go to bed, yea?"

"We really should clean first." I pointed out, grabbing a few bottles.

I was about to bring them to the kitchen but she stopped me with a grimace and a groan. "Niall, we need to sleep. Come onnnn, we can do that tomorrow."

I stared at her and sighed, not really sure I liked the idea but I finally nodded and followed her to the room as she held my hand and pulled me with her. We fell asleep quickly but she did before me and for some reason, I enjoyed watching her snore lightly, her lips parted, as I held her close to me. These days, we fell asleep holding each other face to face and it was very different from our usual spooning. Still, I liked it but when I woke up, she was on the other side of the bed, her legs were over mine, and I smiled at how much she had moved.

I got up, put sweatpants on and made coffee before drinking a cup as I looked at the mess in the living room and the kitchen. She joined me about half an hour later, entering the kitchen as she yawned. It made me chuckle but I liked the mess of her hair and her lazy smile. I wanted that every single morning of my life.

"Slept well?"

"Yes but not enough." she just shrugged with an other yawn.

I poured her coffee in her favorite mug and we both drank in silence, leaned against the counter. After I was done, I put my cup in the sink and without turning back to look at her, I sighed.

"We need to clean now."

"Mm, I just woke up. We can do that later in the afternoon." she just shrugged.

"Liv, we need to clean now. That's what happens when we postpone these kind of things. It'll never be fun but doing it now means we can do something else after."

She stared at me a few seconds and sighed, letting her head fall back on her shoulders. I didn't want to argue with her, and I knew how messy she was, but she also knew I was the opposite and that leaving everything as is the night before had been annoying to me.

"Well I don't want to do it now."

I didn't expect that answer and took a step back as my eyebrows raised.

"Why are you being like that?"

"Why are you being like that?" she repeated. "This can wait! I can't believe we're arguing over that!"

"Olivia, please! We left this mess last night and we need to clean!"

"You knew how i was before I started living here, it's nothing new!" she let out a bit roughly.

"And you know how I was too!" I argued before she brought her hands to her face and sighed. "You need to make efforts, okay? I am!"

My voice was a bit too loud and I knew it but I was getting pissed. I couldn't believe we were arguing over something like that. After all we had been through, I didn't want to accept that something so silly could be what would end us.

"I just... I need a shower."

I left without waiting for her answer and stayed a bit too long under the hot stream but when I got out of the bathroom with clean clothes, my lips curled at the sight. She had cleaned a good part of the living room and was now working on filling the dishwasher. I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, leaning my chin on her shoulder.

"Thank you." I whispered, leaving a few kisses on her neck and she finally turned in my arms to look in my eyes.

"I'm sorry."she sighed and licked her lips. "I'll make efforts, I promise."

We finished cleaning and ended up sitting at the table with an other cup of coffee and eggs. The problem was, I couldn't stop thinking that I was leaving in a few days and it bothered me. I wanted us to discuss it but at the same time, I was not sure she wanted to talk about it. I knew that she thought mentioning things out loud made them more real or concrete but ignoring them and pretending the problems weren't there wouldn't make them disappear.

"It's gonna be tough, you know. We'll be away from each other for quite a while."

It took her a few seconds to answer as she seemed focused on her coffee but after a while, she breathed in and sighed.

"I know it won't be easy, Niall, but I also know that it will never be as hard as it was without you for a whole year. So yea, I think we can get through this and come out stronger." she said in a calm way before looking up in my eyes. "I hate being away from you but that won't change my love for you, not even just a little."

I reached for her hand on the table and squeezed her fingers before sending her a small smile. "It won't change mine either. And you're right, that year without you was the worse I've ever been through."

"It's... different." she told cautiously, looking up at me and noticing my questioning look. "You spent that year without me because you decided it, it was your choice. You did it for a reason and you wanted to be alone to live things you clearly thought you couldn't live with me. But me... I suffered through it. You broke up with me, broke my heart... I lost my best friend and the love of my life at the same time, you know? We didn't live that year the same way."

I felt my heart thump hard in my chest and I just nodded very slightly, as we stared at each other.

"You know, Niall... you left me with nothing." she said and I could swear I heard her voice crack. "I tried to find someone else, to find what I was missing from someone else, but I never really found it because what I was missing was you." Once again, she breathed in and sighed. "I know it's not easy but maybe you should try to put yourself in my shoes and... try to understand how I feel, you know? How I felt all those months."

I remembered that she told me it was tough for her but I never really understood how hard it had been until I found out she had literally tried to kill herself. Still, I felt like I couldn't really know the feeling and never would be able to. I remained silent as her words kept running in my head and finally held my breath. I couldn't believe I was thinking about writing a song in such a deep moment but I was and I just shook my head.

"You're right, Liv." I admitted, reaching for her other hand and squeezing both of them tight. "I'll try to understand how you felt in that year we were apart, after I broke you. It's hard to imagine but, I know I've hurt you more than I ever hurt anyone else, and I'll listen to everything you have to say about it."

She sent me a fond smile and nodded. "I can't really put it in the past." she added low. "Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like it's part of our story. I thought I knew who you were, I thought you'd never leave. I mean, we've known each other for decades... I thought you would never break my heart. But it was hard to accept, you know? That I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. I felt like... you ripped my heart out. Like you stole something from me that I could never get back without really knowing what it was. And I wanted it back. The worst was.. I still wanted to be with you. If you had came back I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I was always thinking of you, no matter who I was with, and yes, it includes Louis."

I stared at her, blinking a few times but still remained silent. I didn't want to let go of her hands and I also didn't want to talk. I thought it was just time to listen.

"I just... I went in bars and clubs to change my mind, I tried to date other people, I tried to drink my pain away... I just wanted to get over you and nothing worked, because I had nothing left." She paused again and shrugged. "I learned that making you the center of my life was not a good idea but it was something I was used to, I did it since I was a kid. Now I don't want to do things for you, Niall. I want to do things for us, and I want you to do the same. It's a team work. I mean, it's us against the world, right? That's what we said?"

I sent her a bigger smile and nodded. "It is. You and me."

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