#a mix of a vent and a love letter | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

urfavoritesecretadmirer · 2 months

Text

╭──────────.★..─╮

Blog intro

╰─..★.──────────╯

System intro | Host’s carrd

`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`--------------------------------------------`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`

ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ

: ̗̀➛ I am a minor. I don’t want to give specifics for safety reasons, but my range is 14-16.

: ̗̀➛ My carrd that will have basically all the information here and maybe a little more

`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`--------------------------------------------`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`

ɢᴇɴᴅᴇʀ & ꜱᴇxᴜᴀʟɪᴛʏ

: ̗̀➛ I am panromantic, because of this this blog is SFW.

: ̗̀➛ I use Any/All pronouns. And when I say Any/Alll, I mean ANY/ALL. Literally go crazy and use any neopronouns you want because they are so cool.

`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`--------------------------------------------`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`

ʏᴇꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴏ’ꜱ

: ̗̀➛ Interact if/this is a safe space for: Yandere blogs, obsessive blogs, systems, witchcraft practitioners, all races religions sexualities, genders, etc. SFW blogs, agere, petre, all mental health, obsessive blogs.

: ̗̀➛ DNI if: General DNI, zoophiles, proshippers (sorry I don't want people who write r*pe about 6 year olds on my blog), NSFW blogs, rude bitches, support what Israel is doing, radqueer, transID (like transplural like bitch be so fr), anti-recovery, anti-self DX (from what I've seen y'all are actually so fucking rude).

: ̗̀➛ Be aware of: This blog will post triggering topics, and all triggering topics will be listed. You know what blog you are on, be cautious. We are endo neutral because we genuinely don't give a crap about that stuff. We used to be anti-endo sooo ignore that.

`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`--------------------------------------------`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`

ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴍᴇ

: ̗̀➛ System of 120+, witchcraft practitioner, mixed BIPOC, queer, grunge/gothic style, questioning Yandere

: ̗̀➛ Likes: Writing reading paranormal stuff witchcraft horror nature baking cooking card games anything ocean related theatre food in general rain fashion candy lovecore grunge Y2k him obviously letters poetry

: ̗̀➛ boundaries: No flirting asks please, I already love someone! Reblogs and notes are okay! Adults, please be mindful I am a minor! This blog is fully SFW and adults and minors are allowed as long as it is!

Yandere MBti: RAHL

MBti: INFJ-T

`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`--------------------------------------------`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`

ɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴇ ʏᴀɴᴅᴇʀᴇ ꜱᴛᴜꜰꜰ

: ̗̀➛ Questioning Yandere at the moment. But I’m going to label myself as a Yandere for now because I don’t know if how I feel is just an obsession or I’m a Yandere.

: ̗̀➛ I’ll post my love letters, journal entries, etc if yall want inspiration!

: ̗̀➛ I DO NOT CONDONE ANY ACTIONS POSTED ON THIS BLOG. I would never act on these actions, this blog is a coping mechanism.

: ̗̀➛ I will refer to my darling as Him, love, darling, etc. I will not be posting names.

`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`--------------------------------------------`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`

ᴡʜᴀᴛ’ꜱ ᴛʜɪꜱ ʙʟᴏɢ ꜰᴏʀ?

: ̗̀➛ It’s a coping mechanism for me to talk about my obsessive feelings and thoughts.

: ̗̀➛ To help others. Y’all want me to read over your love letters before sending them out? Bet! Gift ideas? Bet! Journal entry ideas? Gotcha! Wanna talk to me about your crush/partner? Go ahead, just please do it in asks/notes rather than DMs! I’m here to help y'all as well as myself!

: ̗̀➛ To talk about my crush because I’m scared everyone else is annoyed with me when I talk about him.

: ̗̀➛ To post about system stuff, positivity, love, poetry, etc.

`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`--------------------------------------------`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`

ꜱᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟ ꜰᴀɪʀɪᴇꜱ

: ̗̀➛ Anons: None yet!

: ̗̀➛ Tags:

･｡ﾟ ᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ꜱᴘᴇᴀᴋꜱ☽☆: For all my posts here on now

･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇꜱ ✒️💌: For all things writing related (quotes, letters, etc).

･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ʟᴏᴠᴇꜱ 💕❣️: When talking about my crush, will also be used a lot

･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢꜱ 📼📔: Reblogs

･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ᴠᴇɴᴛꜱ 🔒🧷: Ventings

･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡꜱ 📝🕶️: Where I review others’ works with their consent, you can use this tag if you want me to review any love letters or anything and I’ll use this tag when I make my response!

`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`--------------------------------------------`𓏲 ࣪₊♡`

ᴛʜᴀᴛ’ꜱ ɪᴛ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀɴ ᴀᴍᴀᴢɪɴɢ ᴅᴀʏ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪꜰᴜʟ ᴛᴜʟɪᴘꜱ! /ᴘ

@lovinglyobsessed = vent account

#･｡ﾟ ᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ꜱᴘᴇᴀᴋꜱ☽☆:#･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇꜱ ✒️💌:#･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ʟᴏᴠᴇꜱ 💕❣️:#･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢꜱ 📼📔:#･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ᴠᴇɴᴛꜱ 🔒🧷:#･｡ﾟᴀᴍᴀʏᴀ ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡꜱ 📝🕶️:#did system #obsessive #yanblr #yan blog #questioning Yandere #blog intro #blog info #obsessive yandere #obsessive love #obsessive thoughts #neurodivergent #actually obsessive

27 notes · View notes

defira85 · 2 days

Text

This is incredibly petty and pointless bitching about family stuff but I'm stressed and exhausted and it's making me miserable so I need to vent

So anyone who's followed me for more than 5 minutes knows I like to bake, yeah? Has seen my posts of my elaborate christmas cookie boxes or the multi-tier cakes I bake or the extravagance of my choc cherry brownie loaf and so on? Feeding people is important to me! I won't say it's my love language cause whatshisface was a weirdo christian fundamentalist so we don't believe in love languages but you know. I like to nourish! I want to cook people a big meal and have them feel loved and indulged!

My SIL is having her 40th birthday in May, and she wants everyone to come on a 4 day getaway which is just. I don't understand why certain parts of this family don't understand that people need to work (I do understand, the reason is money, this family has money and so they don't understand that normal people have Mon-Fri jobs that they can't just drop for a 4 day beach getaway for a birthday) but anyway, that's another rant

She's been asking people about the food, and people have been volunteering for certain meals and I've got my assigned meal planned out to the letter (a giant paella with fresh baked olive bread and patatas bravas with a mediterranean salad) and I asked her last night about desserts with the implication that I was asking her what cake she wanted for her birthday, because so far she's just put "icecream/fruit salad" on every meal

She answers "oh I've just got a brownie box mix we were going to make. Also a carrot cake box mix, we don't really need anything else"

Now I've tried to calm myself down by reminding myself that SIL really absolutely does not care about food. Not in the slightest. She doesn't understand about things tasting good, she just eats whats in front of her

But. But. I cook. I bake. I express love with my food. She KNOWS that. And I went to a lot of effort in November to make an EXQUISITE carrot cake for my MIL's birthday when we celebrated her life and the one year since her death, I worked so hard to make sure it was perfect, and she's just like

yeah here's a packet mix. Tastes the same.

Like, does she even care about any of the meals I make? Does she notice? Does what it expresses as a gesture of love mean anything?

I KNOW I'M OVERREACTING. I KNOW I AM. BUT I'M REALLY EXHAUSTED AND MISERABLE and it just hit me a lot harder than I was expecting it to. Just a slap in the face, you know? All the hard work I do, all the love I pour into it, it's just the same as a box she bought at the store and adds an egg to

/throws away the recipe for the salted caramel and macadamia monkey bread I was planning

#Defira rants

22 notes · View notes

jaluyvdnksvs · 4 months

Text

Ok I have to vent about this to someone.

At the end of tsh, yk when Henry kinda offed himself, am I the only one who thinks that he wanted Camilla to die with him?

Like, why would he bring the girl he loves in the danger zone? Like right beside him.

And it’s like, Camilla could feel something was up, and, I will never forget this, he said to her, when she hesitated to coming to his side in front of the window in the hotel room, ,“do you really think I would hurt you?“ and I thought, THAT is EXACTLY what someone would have to say to me to make me do things I don’t actually want to because I wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings.

And Henry, in Camilla’s eyes at least, “saved“ her from her abusive brother yk? Like gave her a place to stay, comforted her and ,obviously, it is insinuated that she and Henry already had something of a secret relationship going on before she ran away from Charles.

So , not wanting to hurt his feelings, even though she is not comfortable to go near him, and is hesitant in doing so, she does because he makes her feel stupid and insecure in asking for her trust in THAT way.

“You really think I would hurt you? After all that I have done for you? I saved you from your brother. I comforted you when you felt scared and hopeless of ever escaping him. You know I love you, right? How could you ever doubt that,after everything I did and became for you?“

And so, even though she at first didn’t want to, she goes to him.

AND THEN.

WHEN HE OFFED HIMSELF.

He fired two times.

TWO.

And we obviously know it was in Camilla’s direction because he was holding her at her waist in one hand, and the gun to his head in the other.

He shot in Camilla’s direction.

Why would someone who is in love with a person, get that person in a position right next to to them , with a gun pointed through their head at them, and then shoot themselves, two times?

As if to make sure that, if the first bullet didn’t go through, the second one did.

Which it obviously didn’t, but the attempt was made.

Henry‘s Obsession with her was so great that he wanted to make sure that she could never be with any other person ever.

And obviously the way he manipulated Camilla was actually enough because years after his death, when Richard asked her to marry him, she say‘s that she still loves Henry.

Not loved.

Loves.

It’s an ongoing feeling that never stopped and probably never will.

And when I came to this realization I was devastated because I realized that not only everyone in the book was charmed and manipulated by Henry, us reader were too.

And while I already knew this, it just became so much more apparent how deep this manipulation actually was.

The justification of everything Henry ever did.

How he killed that man.

how he poisoned and killed his neighbors dog.

how he instigated and planned bunny’s death in more ways than one.

how he pushed Charles‘s alcoholism even while he was at the hospital and shouldn’t be drinking even a drop of it,only to top it off in giving him pills that he knew were deadly if mixed with alcohol in an attempt to kill him.

Charles and bunny both had a feeling about what Henry was planning to do to them.

Bunny expressed it in his letter to Julien, and Charles to Richard and Francis.

Just needed to get this off of my chest for a sec.

Love Donna Tartt, but I do not want to know the way her mind works.🫶🏻

#the secret history #tsh donna tartt #henry winter #camilla macaulay #charles macaulay #Not even sure this makes much sense but had to vent somewhere #ths #somehow I’m still not less attracted to Henry winter even WITH this new thought #richard papen

39 notes · View notes

runefells · 3 months

Note

Hi!

I stumbled upon your selkie au fanart and i must say, I LOVE how the art's body language foreshadows what will happen. Jon's body language is open and he is relaxed and the look in his eyes is trusting.

Elias's smile doesn't reach his eyes and they are cold. The way he looks at Jon is predatory and calculating.

Do you have further art/fics of this au? If not, can we get general look on the "happy" couple's marriage? 👀

Ough thank you!! i at some point planned on writing parts of it but im a slow writer and my interests jumps between aus so quickly ;;

lemme give a quick little idea of what happens since i dont remember how much ive said or if ill do more art for it in the future,,,

basically Elias meets Jon and gains his trust by approaching him in an academic way. Jon is curious about humans, so despite all his warnings about them he humors Elias and they share information about their species. eventually Elias convinces Jon to return with him to london after telling Jon all about how amazing human cities are. he also convinces Jon to let Elias safeguard his coat (he acts like many humans will be interested in stealing it and only Elias will be able to protect it). Jon is simultaneously extremely interested in london and also completely overwhelmed by all the sounds and people. he lives with Elias and is pampered by him, taught to read (he learns he loves books), given clothes (which he hates), and treated to good food (hes mixed on this). Jon does start to fall for Elias and willingly starts a relationship with him but eventually he decides he misses the ocean and wants to go home but yeah ~surprise~ Elias was never going to give Jon his coat back. he had just hoped Jon would like living with Elias enough that he would choose to stay of his own free will. Elias forces Jon to marry him all while promising that he'll adjust to this life eventually.

Jon is obviously enraged by this and tries everything he can to escape at first. this part of the au is the least fleshed out but suffice to say Jon is rather miserable and depressed. he spends a lot of his time in their library and finds a book that talks about the ocean and has photographs in it which he looks at for comfort. Elias does bring him for a trip to see the ocean but its not where hes from and he doesnt allow Jon his coat to transform so its bittersweet.

(a good amount time passes between these two points and theres a good amount of up and down in their relationship. elias lovebombs jon a lot and tries to make him happy but is not willing to let go of his control over jon's life. jon kind of accepts that he wont be free and tries to make the best of his situation but hes still pretty homesick and depressed)

Elias gets frustrated that Jon can't just be happy with what he has (he had rather grandiose and unrealistic expectations for their marriage) and vents to Peter about it. He's more under the delusion that they're just having a marital spat and Jon will come around eventually but Peter tells him that selkies will never be tame and Jon will fight him till one of them dies. Elias wants to prove to Peter that Jon does love him so he brings him back to where he found him and gives him his coat back, sure that Jon will choose to stay with him buuuut. he runs

in the fic there was going to be a timeskip of about a year (maybe even ending there and then having a sequel) here where Jon eventually returns to where he met Elias and finds a package elias left him with their rings, some letters, and a couple of Jon's favorite books. he realizes that he misses his old life.. at least part of it. the sea is freedom but its also very lonely. he doesnt actually think he'll ever see Elias again but he comes back on the year anniversary of Jon leaving to reminisce and leave the rest of Jon's things as a symbol of moving on. I was going to have them work on things and have Jon come back to the relationship on his own terms with his own rules

is Elias actually changed in the end? honestly im not sure I didnt think that far. It definitely could go the way of being a cycle of abuse and i think he'd have to work quite hard to break his negative behavior. though tbf the Elias in this au isn't Jonah magnus (meaning he isn't a regency body-hopper not that he is OG Elias). this whole summary is only talking about the relationship A plot which was going to coincide with some Lovecraftian inspired occult mystery stuff : D (which isnt fleshed out at all other than i wanted those vibes)

anyway thanks for your interest I love talking about my aus xD I wish i had more content for them but my brain is really uncooperative

#asks #Anonymous #selkie au #jonelias #usually if i dont get other people to be insane abt an au with me i just kinda toss it aside and move onto other things #but i usually think abt each one in at least some depth

10 notes · View notes

thewritingginger · 1 year

Text

Fluff Alphabet - Takashi Mitsuya

This boy is 10000% husband material and I think I just said that over and over again in different ways in these HCs oops

Fandom: Tokyo Revengers Letters: M, I, T, S, U, Y, A Warnings: None, Fluff, Possibly cheesy

Enjoy ~

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Mitsuya is Husband soo…

Yes, he wants to get married –especially when he met you

He claims that he knew after your first meeting he called Draken and told him he just met the person he’s gonna marry

And he did oop

He would propose is a very romantic yet private way

Like at home with candles, dinner, soft music playing and having both you dress up “for fun” –the works tbh

Marriage with Mistuya would be lovely

This boy is already just 100/10 husband material so that carries into actual marriage from dating

Makes sure, even through your possibly busy schedules, you have a date night at least once a week –whether at home or out, as long as both your phones are silenced and its just you two spending quality time together

Also is sure to give you a good night kiss each night

Is very much a believer in “never going to bed angry”

I nspired - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helping them overcome personal problems?

I think with Mitsuya pursuing a creative field he will always have a piece of ‘you can do anything’ mentality he shares with others

Though he can gain confidence from his partner when he is getting frustrated with a piece/idea that isn’t becoming what he planned in his head

He just seems like the kind of person that you can talk to about your issues and he’d always be a shoulder to lean on and give helpful advice when you need it —even in a platonic relationship

T hrill - Do they need to try new things to spice out their relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

A mix of both

He likes having a pretty consistent routine you have in the morning &/or night

Along with that is making sure the two of you always have time alone, w/o any distractions from work or anything else

But on the other hand sometimes on your days off he’ll just ask you out for a spur of the moment date —whether that is just to go get breakfast or to the aquarium for the day

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Mitsuya will probably be your biggest fan tbh

If anything you do involves showings or events of some kind he will -if he can help it- be there to cheer you on and be your rock for if jitters get the better of you

Or always take the time out of his day to listen to any problems you’re having

He wants you to be just as loved and happy as you make him feel

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

At some point in your relationship Mitsuya gets really good at reading you

Like if you’re a person who struggles with depression/ anxiety and you’re in a social situation he will be your rock, taking your hand when you need it

With just a look he will know when you need to leave and help politely excuse the two of you

“I just remembered that Y/n and I meant to get some supplies for tomorrow and we need to leave if we want to make it before the store closes.”

He is also just a good listener when you need to vent

And if you’re not a talker he totally understands and will happily snuggle with you in bed/ on the couch watching tv in silence if that's what you need

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Mitsuya likes a nightly/daily phone call if he has to be parted from you

He obviously texts you throughout the day in general w/ either updates or sharing funny/cute pics or just to chat

But he likes hearing your voice through the phone or even better video chat

I feel like Mitsuya is the type that if say he’s away for an event or job you couldn’t come to he would send you pics and little video clips —vlog style

He also often requests pics from you, not spicy ones —unless…—

You can be at work or school messaging him and he’ll ask for a pic cuz he misses your cute face and ‘is in need of inspiration’

“I miss your smile.”

“I’m in need of my muse.”

A ctivities - what do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Its cheesy and cliche but he likes having you model for him when he’s working on new pieces

Also just generally enjoys having your input

I think one of Mitsuya’s major Love Language is Quality Time –so anytime he can just be with you he’ll take it

He loves when you accompany him on errands like getting new/more fabrics/supplies etc and often times if you do you’ll get lunch or dinner together after

When he doesn’t squeeze time with you in while he’s working he just likes lounging around or going along with what you want to do

Do you agree with my judgment of Mitsuya? Feedback & Interaction is always appreciated!

💛 ~

~ Masterlist ~ ~ Christmas Event ~

#tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers headcanons #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyorev #tokyorev headcanons #tokyorev x reader #tokyo revengers takashi mitsuya #tokyorev takashi mitsuya #tokyorev mitsuya #takashi mitsuya headcanons #takashi mitsuya x reader #mitsuya x reader #mitsuya fluff #tokyo revengers fluff #tokyorev fluff #x reader #x gn!reader #fluff alphabet

137 notes · View notes

railingsofsorrow · 8 months

Text

𝙾𝙲𝚃. 6𝚝𝚑; 𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊𝖗 𝖗.

summary: spencer's letter.

pairing: spencer reid x oc!iris valentia

w.c: 694

warnings/content: a case is mentioned superficially; bird talk; bookworms geeking; fluff.

navi

masterpost

series masterlist

[letter 1] [letter 2] [letter 3] [letter 4] [letter 5] [letter 6] [letter 7] [letter 8] [letter 9]

October 6st.

Dear, Iris.

Please, call me Spencer.

You said you'd prefer that I drop the honorific, then I'd rather you do it as well. And you are not intruding in any way, if anything, I am, because I asked you to talk about yourself first. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable or pressured? I am sorry if I have.

I knew someone that really liked birds once, he knew every species at the tip of his tongue. I guess you two would've gotten along.

Did you know that the Garrulax courtoisi is an endangered species? It was rediscovered in 2000 at Wuyuan, China, but it remains rare till this day. It is really close to extinction, at least in the wild life.

That is a... good question. I would like to be an owl, mainly because of their binocular sight much like ours. It would be interesting, in my point of view. I had never thought about this before.

Are you curious about me? I don't believe I have much aspects about myself that you'd find interesting. I do relate to some things you said. I hate loud noises as well, but I guess, I hate crowded places more. These two pet peeves often overlap each other; in my line of work, I have to speak and face lots of people, which makes me anxious.

According to Dr. Jerry Bubrick, a senior psychologist at the Child Mind Institute Anxiety Disorder Center, when kids are excited they are similar to a dog wagging its tail, but they naturally get louder as the excitement kicks in. Also, children don't know how to modulate their volume, that means that even if they are yelling, they might not notice it, although the parent does. My godson does that a lot, so I know what you mean. When he gets too excited, he runs to whoever he's closest to and throws his arms around them. It's endearing.

Oh, yes. I am rather fond of literature. I think Murakami's writing is brilliant but I've only ever read Nowergian Wood, I'll make sure to read The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle next. My usual reading choice is horror, I'd say Edgar Allan Poe's poem “The Tell-Tale Heart” made me fall in love with literature. I've read it for the first time when I was ten years old, it was one of my mother's books that she'd keep really high on the shelf so I wouldn't read it. I stole it and read it anyway. (Technically I did not steal it, it was still in the house, I just left it in my room) I was captivated by Poe's gruesome details and the way he mixes emotions in the narrative. As for a novel, it would be The Romance of the Forest by Ann Radcliffe. She's also an amazing author from gothic literature. Have you ever heard of or read any of these two?

Oh, my day only starts after I've had my coffee as well! I can't function properly without it. I hate plain coffee, it has to have at least five spoons of sugar or I can't swallow — no offense to you, of course, but I don't think sweeteners ruin the taste, it makes it better.

Regarding the Nevada case, it was... eventful. I thought we wouldn't be able to reach a good solution in time but, we did. As good as one sees, at least. It was a hard case which did not bring back good memories. But I won't fill your busy hours with irrelevant venting. How is your week going? Are you still picking up extra shifts at work? I hope you don't forget to take care of yourself meanwhile.

Please don't.

Ps: I'm sure your hair looks beautiful even on “bad hair days” — I've learned this term recently through a friend, I hope I used it right.

Best regards,

Spencer R.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

taglist: @lilyviolets

#sun-bleached paper petals fic #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x original female character #spencer reid x oc

14 notes · View notes

bernkastel-ao3 · 1 year

Text

For me, the most resonant idea in Umineko is how it's, in different ways, about the struggle to communicate intimate and personal things through writing or stories and the potential power when that exchange actually works. There's something really wonderful for me in that, in the idea of viewing stories and writing as an intimate exchange, where a writer is offering something meaningful and emotionally important to them to another, with earnest belief and hope that potential readers, maybe just one, will respond in turn through effort as a reader. That maybe that reader will absorb and understand what you offered to them in the way you hoped they would, that they tried and succeeded to understood another person on an emotional level through what they put into a story.

You have Beatrice doing so through her games for Battler, in a way that gets teasingly compared to a love letter through how Battler suggests she should have just told she loved her, plus for the reason of the next character. A yearning for him or just one person to understand her as a person, in a way where they could say they understand her heart. You have episodes 1 and 2 existing in universe as Sayo doing that, as her venting her soul, trauma and complicated feelings in a coded, defensive way, with the same hope at the centre that a person will see the truth of her existence and of her soul, would understand her in an intimate and empathetic way. The episodes afterward are reciprocation from Tohya, to a dead person on behalf of someone who is effectively dead.

You can add a third exchange between people to the mix, with Tohya and Ange. The eighth game at very openly is a message for Ange, to try and tell her what might help her to keep on living in spite of her trauma and pain.

All of that was touching for me, though the core idea of seeing all fiction and stories as potentially raw, intimate and personal communication between people, a heartfelt conversation or opening up to another, is something that only finally resonated with me thanks to Umineko. Before then, I feel like that was something for other people, normal or deep people, like nothing could make me feel the depth of personally resonant or connective emotions that others said they got from fiction. Then I got hit by it and then it's predecessor, Higurashi, and then I became someone who could earnestly go "these are my precious characters/babies that I love so much. Gotta protect them and hug them, wanna do that so much".

#umineko #when they cry #higurashi #ramble #reader-writer communication

26 notes · View notes

imjustabeanie · 2 months

Text

Matchup exchange with @ddora-kken

So sorry it took so long ^^'

OBEY ME

Your obey me match is….Simeon!

It was between him and Satan but Satan’s baggage is a mess that’s why I thought someone gentle like Simeon would suit you more. There was also Solomon today and I don’t know how he just stuck so much! From what I understood about you, you’re friendly, artistic and quite energetic! You seem like a passionate and sensible soul. Simeon can match your pace but still guide you gently to keep you safe.

You two met at a type of brainstorming event for writers (I just came up with it). In short, you got paired as a team and had to write mini stories in specific teams. It lasted 3 days and you bonded very well! So well that you started having weekly meetings lol. At first you shared writing tips, with Simeon being more experienced. And then it went into your likes and dislikes. This relationship is a slow burn/friends to lovers. None dares to make the first move for months. That’s until Luke has enough and somehow manage to spill the beans about how much Simeon talks about you. Quite a funny way to ask you out no?

Simeon is a gentleman and a subtle lover. He shows his love through actions and words. He always supports you, advise you and is just present for you to vent. He also does his best to make your life more comfortable by doing chores for you and remembering the little things you like. For exemple, you get a pastry from him each day. On special occasions, he even goes out of his way to plan a special date and gifts you first prints of your favorite books. He also likes classics and if he can’t find the first print he might give you one from his personal collection.

It doesn’t mean that you two don’t have quality time together! He makes it a mission to spend every night in your shared home. His favorite moment each day is cooking dinner with you and then just relaxing in the same room. He lovingly calls you his muse because his art blocks just melt away after spending time with you. It’s quite frequent to enter your house and find both of you in what you can call a hobbit room. You’re either found drawing/reading and he is found writing, brainstorming or watching you. He insists on these moments because they’re quite relaxing and he wants to lessen your stress. When you get insecure he has none of that and just showers you in compliments. He loves you as you are, you are not too emotional or anything.

You’d introduce him to more outdoor activities not gonna lie. Cuz he loves the thrill but doesn’t know where to find it. He’d insist on exploring the human world with you and actually has a scrapbook with all your favorite memories like an old fashioned man. Speaking of that….please teach him how to use a phone. He still sends letters and even sent a pigeon once!

GENSHIN (SUMERU):

Now….none is Sumeru fits you more than Kaveh. Yeah it’s nice to have a calmer partner, but one that’s wilder than you also makes for a pretty good mix.

Kaveh is a very passionate scholar, I believe you two met at the Akademia. You are from Haravatat and you two had to work together on a renovation project of some ancient structure. Contrary to what everyone thought, you two got along quite well. He was a bit judgmental given how Alhaitham and Faruzan are but in the end was genuinely surprised. You both respect each other and share the same passion in your respective fields. At the end of the collaboration he found himself yearning for more. That’s why he asked you on dates using ‘exploring and studying ancient architectures’ as an excuse to gawk at you and not the building. He confessed drunk after he walked to your house instead of his.

Listen to me, the moment he can run away from Alhaitham house he will. So the moment you ask him to live with you his bags will be ready. But this time he will ask for your opinion while decoration it and will drag you with him for shopping when you want. His dream is to build your dream house and he’s actually saving for it! He wants it to be a surprise and the ultimate proof of his love.

Despite his energetic self, he actually enjoys recharging at home with you. When he finds you reading or writing he will just make you a cup of tea and kiss your forehead gently. He calls you his muse and has a plethora of nicknames for you. His love language is a big mixt. He’s of everything! He brings you flowers, treats you like a princess and plans dates on social occasions! Kaveh is emotionally intelligent so he can also predict your moods and acts accordingly. He may not know how to give advices but he’s the best emotional support one could ask for.

Kaveh often comes to you for book recommendations. When he finishes the books he loves discussing them with you. Especially if he got surprised by an element in the plot! Kaveh likes rambling a lot because he feels comfortable around you. He’s always talking about his new plans or complaining about people. The only thing he won’t share are the surprises he plans for you. Unfortunately, he also won’t share his troubles because he doesn’t want to burden you or cause another accident similar to what happened with his father… He’d rather suffer than to share his burdens. It will take him time and patience on your part for him to open up fully. For a shining star like him he is blind to his light. That’s the only issue in the couple I guess.

In your house, Kaveh will definitely plan for a drawing room cuz you both need it! Plus, he gives nice drawing tips. Kaveh sometimes get frustrated when you don’t get the hint so he’ll tell you in a pouty voice but means no harm. Your relationship is very lively and adventurous. Yet you two find earth in your house together to not lose your train of thoughts.

GENSHIN (LIYUE)

Liyue was very difficult…but in the end Baizhu won. This relationship surprised most people in Liyue but who are they to judge.

You two met by pure accident in the forest. You found a nice writing spot and he somehow got lost. He was very tired so you helped him out. Not gonna lie he got embarrassed at being seen in that state. That’s why he insisted on repaying you anyways possible and you two started arguing because you didn’t want it. Suddenly, rain started to pour and you two hid in a cavern of some sort. With Changsheng giving her two cents every two seconds and the hour long rain, it was bound for both of you to talk to avoid creating an awkward atmosphere! You two did get along, when you mentioned drawing Baizhu was interested. He also draws but its plants. He invited you to show his drawings and share a warm cup of tea. That’s how you somehow became a friend. The romantic relationship took time to form but he finally confessed after your wild personality got you into trouble and he patched you up. He realized loosing you was out of the question and asked you out.

Baizhu love language is peculiar. He shows his love by making sure you’re healthy (ironic coming from him cough-). At first it will be overbearing to be introduced to so many herbal teas and healthy foods but he’ll do his best to make you like them. He doesn’t focus on the appearance aspect at all, he just wants you to be healthy internally if it makes sense. He’ll calm down your acne and helps you reduce your stress. Heck I even see the two of you practicing a sport together after Changsheng accused him of not following his own sport advices. It’s the reason why both of you take yoga classes. Baizhu also loves giving you gifts. He knows he is busy, he doesn’t spend as much time as he wishes with you and sometimes he isolate himself so you won’t get sick. He tries to make up for it and actually loves cuddling with you (you introduced him to it. He was too shy at first lol). But he still compensates by getting you gifts and preparing a drawing/writing room with the best materials for you. He also gets you a new flower with a new meaning each day and writes you a loving word. When he works for over a day, he brings you a new book. He actively hunts for first prints of your favorites and surprises you with them at anniversaries.

Baizhu can’t really adventure but he tries for you lol. He also tries to endanger himself less and is more actively searching for an immortality solution. He knows his days are numbered and doesn’t want for his life to end tragically when he just met his love! When he finally spills the beans about his condition, he fully expects you to leave him. You’re angry, which is understandable, but he is surprised that you stay and just scold him for his silence. Your relationship became stronger after this.

You and Baizhu are an odd couple. While you are adventurous, wild and emotional, he is logical, sly and secretive. Despite this his love is pure as you became his Raison d'être.

#matchups #match ups #genshin impact #obey me

5 notes · View notes

thereaderinsertlady · 9 months

Note

ssso ik that reg. requests are closed buuut i also seens that you like rainbow friends and was wondering if you could write hcs for.. any of them? im so desperate for content lol, any amount of hcs would have me satified for the rest of my life tbh. also while im here in your inboc, id like to say that i love your works :D

You are. Very much correct that I enjoy RF 😔 and that there's little reading content of thems. I shooouldn't be doing requests rn but since you asked so nicely and the underrated character event is going on (aug 1st-3rd) aaand since I'm obsessed with them I figured I should go ahead and write hcs for them. I did a mix of general hcs and x reader hcs for all of the friends, sooo I hope you enjoooy! Also, I wasn’t sure what order to write them in so I got @tvccreator and @cottoncanderino to give me some colors lmao. Under the cut bc it's long!

ㅤ

Purple x Reader - General Headcanons

Almost all of the Rainbow Friends either speak in growls, hisses, snarls, or something else animalistic, having their own unique language. Purple has a raspy voice, mainly using hisses and low tones to speak. Purple knows how to speak a little English, but the Friends' vocal cords aren't well equipped to speak a human language so it ends up sounding off. Each of them have their own style of speaking, but it didn't take too terribly long to figure out what they were all saying.

Purple goes by they/he pronouns, but tends to like nonbinary terms better. Though, they absolutely adore pet names, such as sweet pea, cupcake, honey bun– the list goes on. It makes them melt a little to hear you use such endearing terms with them.

They typically stay in the vents since it makes them feel safe and warm– not a whole lot of people can squeeze themselves into the small nooks and crannies of the metal pathways. But when you came around, they slowly got used to being out in the open, sticking close to you.

Purple likes cuddling with a warm body– you, but it took them a while to get used to at first. With how they were shaped, it was a struggle to figure out a comfortable position for you and them. They used to cuddle with Green during a bad night, but eventually stopped, figuring that he didn't like cuddling with them... which couldn't be further from the truth, but they didn't figure that out until much later.

While cuddling with you, Purple likes to trace shapes along your back, ranging from geometric symbols to letters. They did it lightly so it was hard to tell what shape they were doing sometimes, but you've caught them tracing 'I love you' on a handful of occasions.

Purple will eat dog food like the rest of the Friends do, and most of the Friends don't really mind the taste of it, but Purple'll sometimes will sneak 'real food' out of Red's pantry or steal a few bites from whatever you're eating.

ㅤ

Green x Reader - General Headcanons

Since Green is very much blind and can't see anything, he often lets you lead him through the building. He has a pretty firm grasp on where he is most of the time, but furniture and objects move around on occasion and ends up getting him confused. Before you came along, he'd use his hands to feel things out, but it's much faster to let you lead him through the halls.

Green absolutely HATES bath time... well, it's more like shower time since they don't really have bath tubs, but he just dislikes the process in general. Blood tends to get grimey and sticks to his skin, and it's a pain to wash it off after handling an intruder. There has been many-a time where Red would have to chase and corner him before dragging his ass to the stables where the larger showers were, chaining him until he was squeaky clean, but he'll be less hesitant when you offer to help him rinse off.

Unlike most of the Friends, he communicates through... party horn noises. And sometimes squeaks. He doesn't quite use their shared language, so it takes a while to piece together context clues and body cues on what he's saying from time to time. He'll get frustrated when someone doesn't understand him after a minute or two, and on occasion, he'll just give up on trying to finish what he was trying to say.

Despite having difficulty in communicating, Green enjoys being around people, either listening to them talk or simply laying near them. It's hard to tell when he falls asleep– his googly eyes aren't real, so he ends up startling people when he 'speaks' up. It certainly startled you, but you've... somewhat grown used to it.

On a few occasions, his hand will drift to people's chest while they're talking. He doesn't do it in a sexual or romantic way, though– he just likes feeling the vibrations of when someone talks. It comforts him in a way, being able to feel the buzz of another person's voice.

Usually he's able to tell if someone is an intruder or not, and rarely he mistakes the Friends and you as an enemy. Of course, when his arm snakes towards someone in a menacing manner, they're quick to warn him who they were and he realizes pretty quickly before anyone gets hurt. He... feels incredibly guilty about it afterwards. This happens to you and Red more than anyone else, since the both of you sound human-esque while walking.

ㅤ

Yellow x Reader - General Headcanons

Yellow, in typical '''bird''' fashion, likes to create nests. He has his own nest in the amusement park dedicated to him, sure, but he also likes to make nests in the facility too, gathering up all the blankets and compiling them into one dark corner. He likes to drag you to his nest– albeit nervously– and simply snuggle with you.

Since he doesn't really have... feathers, his skin will get dry and crackily when the atmosphere is dry or when it gets extremely hot. The facility stays a fairly chilly temperature, but he doesn't like to stay indoors for too long. Although he can't quite fly on his own or without support, he likes being outside. He goes through a bottle of lotion a week during the hottest month, and a bottle every two weeks for the coldest month. Otherwise, he manages to be skimpy with the lotion. There's some spots that are difficult to get to, so he'll either get you, Red, or Orange to help. Despite having conflicting personalities, with him being shy and nervous and Orange being, well, Orange, they're pretty good friends. He's also very good friends with Cyan too, but she... doesn't really have the arms to help him out.

Yellow will use his beak to open things... even things that aren't supposed to be open that way, such as pickle jars and jars of spaghetti sauce. Like Purple, he also raids Red’s pantry, but tends to get caught more often than not.

He often has nightmares and night terrors, and it'll take him a while to calm down from it. Calm and kind words usually will bring him down, but it still takes a considerable amount of time.

Yellow sleeps longer and better when it's cold, curling up in his nest and not waking up unless it gets warmer or until a certain amount of time has passed– which usually is somewhere around a day or two.

He isn't too big on physical affection other than snuggling, but he certainly won't say no to a kiss... although, he'll be extremely embarrassed, stuttering and fumbling over his words a lot more than usual.

ㅤ

Orange x Reader - General Headcanons

Orange likes to stick to his cave, only going out when there isn't food in his bowl. The automatic feeder in his cave needs to be filled every other day, and Red'll forget from time to time. When that happens, though, you typically go get him some food... uuunless you forget too. When that happens only does he seek out food outside of his cave. He would go through Red's pantry like half of the other Friends do, buuut he's too short to open it.

He doesn't really mind that he's the shortest Friend... most of the time. He HATES asking for help to reach something, or when he gets teased about how tall he is.

Although he can't speak a human language, he has an almost southern Cajun accent, talking loudly and cutting off certain words. He also will talk a lot, telling you short stories or anecdotes about things that may or may not be true. "An' they said tha' I couldn't read th' darn thing! And... I mean, I can't read, but still!"

Orange isn't the best cuddle partner. He wiggles and worms around in his sleep, and will sometimes kick or bite! Though, he does like to sleep with a blanket over him and lay near people. Since it's difficult to get up on the ledge he sleeps on, you'll invite him to come lay down with you atop a thin but large mattress you found in storage.

Whenever Orange gets excited or happy, his tail will wag... And, when he gets sad, feels guilty, or upset, his tail will lower or go between his legs.

Orange will eat things that he's not supposed to. Sometimes it'll be edible things like bugs or coffee that Red tends to leave in places and forgets about it. Other times he'll gnaw on rocks or bones and accidentally swallow them. He'll be fine for the most part, but feels awful for a few days and ends up laying near you until he feels better.

ㅤ

Blue x Reader - General Headcanons

To communicate, Blue uses a variety of grunts and rumbling noises, but he tends to use wrong tenses and omits certain words entirely. Despite this, it's still fairly easy to understand him. "Why use many words? Is pointless. Fewer words better." When he does speak, his deep voice will send vibrations down anyone near him, giving off a mildly calming sensation.

While sleeping, injured, or very happy, Blue will purr. It's an incredibly easy sound to fall asleep to, and he purrs the most when cuddling with another person. He also gives off an incredible amount of warmth, making him the best cuddle partner out of everyone.

His button 'eye' can come loose if enough force is put on it, usually sending him to tears. It really doesn't feel good! When it comes loose, he either goes to Red or you to fix it since he... can't really fix it himself. His little nubs aren't able to do much when it comes to small things... and things that require thumbs.

Blue tends to sleep more often than not, taking several hour-long naps during the day and sleeping through the entire night. Though, food tends to wake him up... or tickling, but he doesn't like being tickled all that much. Something about unwillingly laughing weirds him out.

Sometimes, Blue will just... do some things without thinking of the consequences. Saving you from being bitten by Orange? Okay. He'll punch Orange. You have a bag of popcorn? Okay. He'll eat the popcorn AND the bag. There's an intruder? Okay. He'll go find them, make a mess of their corpse, then go back to sleep. Your legs are tired and cramping? Hmm... that's a tough one, but he'll pick you up despite any protests and let you sit atop his shoulder. It was either that, or force you to rest for a while... with him, of course.

For the most part, Blue doesn't wear any clothes... However, on the rare occasion, he'll wear a shirt or two that you've bought for him. Since he's so big, you have to get the largest size, but it only ends up... mildly snug on him. He's worried about accidentally ripping it and would like to wear clothes more since it can be comforting to him, so he ends up not wearing most of the things you get him, even after reassuring him that it was okay if something ripped.

ㅤ

Cyan x Reader - General Headcanons

Cyan is, most certainly, not a morning person... dino... creature. Regardless of what she is, she'll get grumpy if woken up too early, even if you are the one to typically wake her up.

Her tail flicks or sways when especially irritated, though it does wag if she is happy or excited, just like Orange's tail. There are a variety of things that she enjoys, such as playing around with you or one of the Friends, smelling new things, or head pats.

Cyan can't see all that well. For her, everything seems extremely blurry, and she sometimes mistakes the Friends as intruders just like Green does. It helps if the thing is moving, but she still struggles to distinguish certain objects.

She absolutely despises the dog food she gets fed, but still eats it anyway. She would raid Red's pantry... if she could see where it was and could open it. She got close just from smelling the unique foods, but hasn't quite discovered it yet. You end up giving her your food more often than not– except for chocolate, since she's allergic.

She isn't as big on physical affection as Blue or Purple are, but she still likes to sleep near other people, especially you. Sometimes, you'll catch her staring blankly at you, and she had to explain that she was trying to mentally print all the details of your face in her little brain just in case her vision becomes worse... which definitely didn't make you cry. Definitely not!

It took her a while, but she eventually has become very protective over you. She'll get worried if you're away for too long, and will sometimes sleep on top of you like a mother hen would to her eggs. If she hears that there's an intruder, she'll spend most of her time protecting you instead of going out to find whoever broke in.

ㅤ

Red x Reader - General Headcanons

Red... takes a significant amount of time to warm up to people. He's usually cold and mean, and it doesn't help that he doesn't interact with humans all too often. He once was a human, but his humanity and morals have slowly slipped away from him... at least, it seemed that way for the longest time. Turns out, he still has plenty of personality and cares a lot– he just has a LOT of issues and doesn't know how to show that he cares.

He typically wears a black suit, button-up shirt, tie, black slacks, and his lab coat, even while sleeping... however, he absolutely adores the shirts with a single phrase on them, such as 'I simply can't right meow!' with a cat image on the front, or 'I like the sound you make when you shut up,' or even the badly translated shirts– he has one that says 'make horny so round' with an octopus on the front... Though, he gets really embarrassed when other people see him wearing one of those shirts, so he hardly wears them. In combination with those shirts, he likes to wear boxers with cute little objects printed across it, such as lemons or polar bears. He'll wear the shirts and boxers around you, but only on extremely rare occasions.

Due to his obsession with checking cameras and making sure nothing has burned down as well as working himself to death, Red barely gets any sleep. At most, he'll take a few two hour naps and get back to what he was doing beforehand. You've worked with him a bit on that to where he sleeps longer, but he still stays awake until he can't anymore. Though, if he stays up for too long, you'll sometimes drag his ass to bed and make him go to sleep.

Red has many scars, which is the main reason why he'll usually wear clothes with long sleeves and pants... even during the summer. Most of his scars come from mechanical related incidents where he screws up and gets hurt. Although he is good with things relating to science, he isn't the best with mechanics. He has one large scar along his back from when he was human and in college; he... got run over by the campus bus. Free tuition, but at the cost of agonizing pain that can only be cured via hard pain killers.

When he has free time– which ends up being the days where he's in debilitating back pain, he'll watch Korean romance dramas on his phone with you in bed. Most of the time they're not dubbed in English, so he has to hold the phone up close so you and him can read the subtitles. He dislikes blankets– they make him feel itchy, so he ends up half-cuddling with you for warmth.

He is incredibly stubborn. Even if you ask him to do something for his own benefit like... going to sleep for once, he just won't do it. He'll do what he wants, whenever he wants... which irritates you to no end. After a certain point you've started to force him to do things, such as wearing comfortable clothes, eating regularly and not skipping meals, as well as making sure he takes a shower... all the things he SHOULD be doing but doesn't do since he's 'busy' or 'doesn't have time to do.'

He had a past relationship ship with his 'business' partner, but he doesn't like talking about it... which makes you think that it ended sourly. All he would say about it was that his partner thought he was going too far, and... that's it. You guessed that his partner left him, but aren't entirely sure. He seemed to have loved his ex, but was left bitter about how things ended. You've seen one old photo of his ex, and he seemed... fairly cute. You sometimes wished Red would talk more about him, but regardless of what happened, you don't push on the topic.

Although Red acts like a tired, annoyed father more than half the time, he doesn't want any actual kids. He thinks all of them are little snot-nosed brats, even after you tried to convince him otherwise. Though, if you do ever have a kid with him, either via test tube baby, adoption, or something else, he'll probably grow into it and care for them irregardless. Would he be good at it? Probably not. Would he at least try to be a decent father? There's a sliiim possibility.

Though he won't ever admit it, Red is incredibly touch-starved. He'll hardly initiate anything, but he'll lean into hugs and cuddle with you. He can't really kiss you back, so nuzzling his face to your lips is the next best option.

It has taken a lot of work to finally be close to him and be considered as his romantic partner– to the point where you believe he was scared to get into another relationship. It seems like he has mild abandonment issues. However, you don't blame him for anything, letting him go at his own pace most of the time.

#reader insert #underrated character event #can you guess who's my favorite? lmao #rainbow friends #rainbow friends red #rainbow friends blue #rainbow friends green #rainbow friends yellow #rainbow friends purple #rainbow friends orange #rainbow friends cyan

8 notes · View notes

bylerhomo · 2 years

Text

Okay call me delusional but when Mike, in the beginning of the van scene, was talking about being afraid of losing El he was definitely projecting and actually scared of losing Will. I believe this because his whole ramble was a reaction to when Will said he wanted to play Nintendo and DND with Mike forever. Obviously this has a whole new meaning after that Lucas book passage.

When Will said all that, Mike relived the sadness of losing Will all over again. Escaping that loss through playing Nintendo in his basement all alone. Now that Will is fantasizing about extending their childhood “friendship” together, Mike wants that too but thinks it’s impossible and is hurt by false hope that he could be happy with Will playing games all the time again. (Internalized homophobia and obliviousness to reciprocated feelings)

Who knows how canon that “moping for a month” passage actually is and it’s ambiguous why Mike was so mopey… was it about missing his girlfriend??? But it seems like every hint about how that passage would relate to the narrative is Byler focused. The Melvin interpretation is there but it’s not connected to anything in season 4 other then the letters and the “obviously of course he would miss his gf who moved across the country” line of thought.

Here’s what I mean that it’s a Byler focused passage:

If the Duffers went into the season thinking Mike was missing someone, they really only hinted it to be Will from his dialogue in the Byler apology scene that ends in the mutual “cool”. And if the Duffers went into the season thinking Mike was coping by playing a lot of Nintendo then that line from Will touched Mike deeply. Thats why he reacted so deeply and opened up about all his insecurities.

If Mike was truly in love with El and not projecting about Will then why was it brought to the surface by Will wanting to play games with Mike for the rest of time. You might think it’s because after Will saw Mike’s sad reaction he brought up Mike’s troubles with El. And because of that Mike goes on to explain his fear of losing El only since Will told him “not to worry about her.” But now I’m thinking that he only talked about “his fear of losing El” because he can only talk about his feelings of loss by pretending it was her he was missing and not Will. (Being deeply closeted and being oblivious about what Will feels towards him)

Mike is trying to be honest about his feelings in a similar way to how Will is trying to be honest about his during the painting speech right after this. By using El as a proxy. When he starts going into details about how meeting El was dumb luck and that he doesn’t feel like she needs him anymore he’s being honest about how he feels about El, but he feels that El being with him is important because she is his proxy to Will.

Without El, Mike cannot only not vent to Will about how scared he is of losing him but he is also trying to tell Will here that he feels insecure about his relationship. Will interprets that as Mike being oblivious about how much El loves Mike but in reality I don’t think Mike is oblivious to that at all. She has been on Mike’s ass about not returning the sentiment so she’s made it obvious that she loves him. Mike was venting to Will secretly that he can’t return what she needs from Mike.

The monologue that Mike gives later on of course is just a plea to save El, mixed in with platonic hero worship because Mike loves heroes and she has saved him and the ones he loves countless times now.

End rant.

Edited in clarification: Will is the one to bring up El in relation to Mike’s sadness after Will jokes about playing games for the rest of their lives together. Mikes just goes along with it in his ramble about why he’s sad, confused and insecure because it’s easier and the only way he feels comfortably communicating to Will about how he’s felt over this last year. Mike might’ve even been more direct with Will had he not assumed Mike was sad because of El.

Will constantly reassuring Mike is probably the reason Mike feels like he can’t be honest with Will about his feelings still. If Will supports Mike and El’s relationship so much and wants to help fix it, then in Mike’s head Will probably doesn’t love Mike the way Mike loves Will.

The Duffers also hinted that Mike was upset he couldn’t call the Byers which was also only brought up during the Byler argument at the roller rink. He was never shown to be upset he wasn’t able to contact El but he was upset that Will didn’t try harder to contact him. Another sign pointing to Mike feeling sad about missing Will.

#byler #mike wheeler #will byers #stranger things

48 notes · View notes

brokenmusicboxwolfe · 9 months

Text

To the folks in my community: If your first response to noting my poverty is to offer to buy part of my family’s land, you aren’t being helpful. You are being a vulture!

Look, the land has been in my family for centuries and we are NOT interested in selling. Just because it “isn’t being used” doesn’t mean it isn’t valued. Even my brother, who hates this town so much he has visited less than once a year, loves the woods and swamp!

But honestly, it would be pointless to offer to buy it from me anyway! I don’t own the land, and thanks to my blasted crazy cousin the ownership is now complicated! I’m the token member of the family living in poverty, so they have no reason to need to sell. As for me, I own NOTHING and never will!!!

Still, it irks me.

Take the other day. A dude passing by offers to buy my “junk” car…the car I drive every single day and depend on. Living ten miles even from a grocery store I NEED a car! And he thinks I should be grateful for his offer since I obviously need the money.

That’s the thing that galls me. They always think I should be grateful. They are so generously by offering to take something I value deeply off my hands. Why would I so instantly say no? I’m poor, so I should just say THANKS!?!

I go to get gas, and the guy that owns the place says he desperately wants to buy some of our land for another store on the other side of the highway. He’s shocked when I say my family isn’t selling. We aren’t using it and I obviously need money. I tell him we just aren’t interested. When he keeps pushing it I say if it were up to me I’d let myself starve to death before parting with one acre of my beloved woods and farm! It’s my HOME!

He’s confused. Baffled. It’s land. A commodity. An object to be bought and sold. A thing to be developed and shaped. A resource.

No. To me it’s HOME. It’s all the world left to me. I live here and know every inch. It’s tangled up in a life time of memories and lost loved ones. Wandering the woods is just about the only thing left to make my life worth living.

Asking me to sell some of the land is like asking me to cut off a limb. There may be some reason to do it, but damned if I want to unless every other option is tried!

After Pop died we started getting tons of unsolicited mail from people and companies wanting to buy our land, or at least log it, since it was “going to waste” and a “burden”. After Mom’s stoke the mail got worse, wanting to buy everything. People sniffing blood and wanting to strip our bones clean.

I got used to it. A moment of rage every week or so when I’d get the mail, vented by tearing up the letter or post card, usually accompanied by an angry growl. (I growl. I snarl. I howl. It’s a family thing. We are wolves after all!)

Dang though, when it’s my neighbors…

They look a me with a weird mix of pity for me, pride at their generosity, and all the while eyes sparkling with not at all disguised greed.

I hate it. I also hate how annoyed they get when I say no.

I didn’t offer to sell you anything! You have no right to expect me to say yes! You aren’t offering charity, but seeing an opportunity to pounce.

You want to get a bargain, to swell with pride at your business skill while still glowing with moral superiority. Oh no, you’d tell yourself, I was’t taking advantage of her poverty, I was helping her out. Profiting from it is just a bonus.

I stay calm, and say no. Sometimes I elaborate with whatever not being mine to sell, or that I need it, or it isn’t junk, or whatever. Usually I just say no. Explaining, like today, never works. They can’t understand.

The vultures circle and circle above me, waiting for their meal. But I’m not dead yet and still have my teeth.

#my day #poverty #being poor #greed

5 notes · View notes

hisunshiine · 1 year

Text

update

hi everyone.

i hope everyone’s holiday has been well. mine has been...a shit show to say the least.

because i know im nosey and like the info, and because venting helps me feel better, here’s the info.

my mom is allergic to dogs and cats

my sister has a big dog (pit-rot mix) & a new kitten and I have my 2 cats (my CHILDREN)

i have a new house everyone in the family wants to see. its a 4/3 with an optional flex space/5th bedroom. we have the flex space as the BTS room. it’s full of merch and unfinished.

my cousin, his wife, and 2 kids (5 & 7 y/o) asked to come down to spend the holiday with us (and bring their dog cause they couldn’t find a sitter).

we figured they would stay with us because i have a full size bed in the guest room (adults) and a full size bed pull out couch (the kids)

my mom also has a guest room that has a full size bed

his mom invited herself (she’s in her late 50′s) AKA SHE NEVER ASKED ME IF SHE COULD COME JUST CALLED MY GRANDPA WHO LIVES WITH ME AND TOLD HIM SHE WAS COMING.

she then decided to bring her new, un-housetrained dog, AND DID NOT ASK

she then decided to bring another PERSON (her brother’s girlfriend), AND DID NOT ASK

once they arrived, i told her that the best break down would be for her and her brothers gf to share the bed at my moms house, and leave her dog at mine, and then the family of 4 to stay at my house because COMMON SENSE

she went and told the gf that “i have a place to stay, but we don’t know where you’re sleeping”

she then had everyone up late trying to figure out the arrangement despite being told several times what the arrangement was by me.

she made her son and my brother go buy the gf an air mattress

my cousin and his wife and kids ended up sleeping at my moms and his mom slept in my guest bed and the gf slept on the pull out couch.

but before the gf could sleep, my cousins mom just HAD to sit on her bed and watch TV for a couple hours. who cares that they were driving for 12 hours to get here and it was well past midnight now.

for several days we had a lot of issues with her being bossy and rude and talking shit about everyone, which culminated in a HUGE blowout.

she packed her shit and burned all of her bridges and left. while packing her shit, she left the door open.

MY BABY, ROMAN, WHO LOVES TO EXPLORE BUT IS NOT AN OUTDOOR CAT, ESCAPED OUTSIDE. HE HAS BEEN OUTSIDE OVERNIGHT FOR 3 NIGHTS NOW AND WE HAVE SEEN HIM EVERY NIGHT, BUT HE IS SCARED AND UNABLE TO COME OUT OF THE WOODED AREAS AROUND MY HOUSE TO ME. LAST NIGHT HE MEOWED LIKE CRAZY FOR ME TO RESCUE HIM, BUT I COULDN’T GET THROUGH THE THICK BRUSH AND WHEN MY COUSIN TRIED ROMAN GOT SCARED AND RAN. I WANT TO CRY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

So, i haven't had the energy or time to write, but i will try during the day time when i know Roman is hiding and won't come out. i'm also still working on the holiday letters, they will arrive late unfortunately, but i will send them.

thanks for understanding and being patient. I just want my baby back home and safe.

#hisunshiine update #fic updates #fic update

12 notes · View notes

tayfabe75 · 3 months

Text

When I found old diaries from my childhood and my teens, they were covered in dust. I'm not just saying that for poetic effect, they were truly dusty with pictures drawn of first day of school outfits and inspirational quotes I used to retrace over and over to get me through doubtful moments. I'd practice my autograph and tape my guitar picks to the pages. In the entries, I daydreamed on paper and mused about who might ask who to the dance or how nervous I was saying the national anthem at the local baseball game. I frequently and drastically changed my opinions on love, friends, confidence and trust. I vented, described memories in detail, jotted down new song ideas and questioned why I would ever try to shoot for a career I had such a small chance of ever attaining. But what shocked me the most was how often I wrote down the things I loved. Writing a new song, riding in the car with my mom, the purple-pink skies of the soccer field on the walk home, the one night in middle school when none of my friends were fighting, the dazzle of opal necklaces I couldn’t afford gleaming from a department store jewelry case. I wrote about tiny details in my life in these diaries from a bygone age with such… wonderment. Intrigue. Romance. I noticed things and decided they were romantic, and so they were. In life, we grow up and we encounter the nuanced complexities of trying to figure out who to be, how to act, or how to be happy. Like invisible smoke in the room, we wonder what kind of anxiety pushes you forward and what kind ruins your ability to find joy in your life. We constantly question our choices, our surroundings, and we beat ourselves up for our mistakes. All the while, we crave romance. We long for those rare, enchanting moments when things just fall into place. Above all else, we really, really want our lives to be filled with love. I've decided that in this life, I want to be defined by the things I love- not the things I hate, the things I'm afraid of, or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. Those things may be struggles, but they're not my identity. I wish the same for you. May your struggles become inaudible background noise behind the loud, clear voices of those who love and appreciate you. Turn those voices up in the mix in your head. May you take notice of the things in your life that are nice and make you feel safe and maybe even find wonderment in them. May you write down your feelings and reflect on them years later, only to learn all the trials and the tribulations you thought might kill you… didn't. I hope that someday you forget the pain ever existed. I hope that if there is a lover in your life, it's someone who deserves you. If that's the case, I hope you treat them with care. This album is a love letter to love itself- all the captivating, spellbinding, maddening devastating red, blue, gray, golden aspects of it (that's why there are so many songs). In honor of fever dreams, bad boys, confessions of love on a drunken night out, Christmas lights still hanging in January, guitar string scars on my hands, false gods and blind faith, memories of jumping into an icy outdoor pool, creaks in floorboards and ultraviolet morning light, finally finding a friend, and opening the curtains to see the clearest, brightest daylight after the darkest night. We are what we love. This is Lover.

August 23, 2019: Taylor releases Lover, outlining the concept of the album in its foreward. (source)

#year: 2019 #august 2019 #quote: taylor swift #taylor's character #taylor's values #album: lover #lover foreward #topic: love #topic: anxiety #overlap: cupid

1 note · View note

artemisbarnowl · 11 months

Note

When you're not staying up past your bedtime tell us your thoughts about checking up on people via social media!

Thank you for indulging me this long weekend why would you do this

Warning I'm gonna be pathetic because i am still grieving a nine year relationship and grieving, especially in this context, feels so UNDIGNIFIED. Also its my grieving thoughts about the socials thing not like well srticulated thoughts about the socials with some grieving mixed in. I just have a lot of feelings and i need to get them out.

1. Like, ultimately don't. Its not helpful at all i think. Unless if literally is just idle curiosity about what happened to someone in your class from ten years ago and you actually dont care what you find.

2. I am experiencing the urge to check up on my ex CONSTANTLY. (They do not really use social media this doesnt amount to much btw). I understand why people be lurking on someones insta or whatever to see what theyve been up to. Sometimes you hope theyre failing and miserable because they did you wrong and you want to feel validated. In my particular case i am worried, and i miss them. There are no posts for me to see or wonder about so this is useless but i think i also want to see that my ex is sad (because i was important to him for such a long time) but also, not like, too sad. And I'm fantasising about him sort of DOing something about it. I want to see what he's up to. Is is dancing? Is he injured? Is he Making? Is he finding small joys in life like hanging out with friends or seeing a cute creature on a walk? Seeing posts about these things would not help me! Because i would likely assume he was not sad, then i would feel angry and bitter and disappointed in myself for wasting my time. We dont share when we are sad (or why) on socials. I am NEVER going to see a post that effectively says "my smart and beautiful and extraordinary girlfriend of 9 years left me, and I am sad i couldn't be what she needed. I miss her a lot and wish i could have showed her this garden i saw today, she would have loved it. I will never forget her and dont know how to be okay with this". No one is going to see that. But ultimately i think we check up on people because what we want to see is some variation of that, so we can feel validated and know that they UNDERSTAND how were feeling.

Because this is tumblr I have made stupid posts a bit like this! I miss him all the time, i made a facebook post about a doco that I watched in the hopes that he would see it and watch it, because i think he'd like all the adorable english woodland creatures. This is also stupid! As are posts showing how well youre doing in hopes ypur ex seems them and feels stupid. Devoting this much energy to a game in your head where you will never get an outcome that satisfies you cannot help you move on or heal. But i do think its weird that we look for any possible thread that tied us to people we are without, even the terrible online ones that can never retie us! We talk to gravestones like the dead can hear us. I am currently checking my mailbox every day for a letter that might not ever arrive, and even if it does it sure and shit wont contain any information that helps me live my new single life where no one thinks I'm special, and there's no one I'm 100% comfortable to be all of myself around and who I dont get tired of being with.

I will never know if he saw the fb post, let alone watched and had opinions on the doco I talked about. Knowing wont help. He knew i have a tumblr but i dont think he'd go through it as its a huge pile of memes and stuff he wouldnt understand to look for 3 things that say im sad. And again, knowing I'm sad won't help.

Normally im very good at being like "well this is unproductive/not the best course of action" and then, you know, STOPPING but unfortunately I will continue to wonder how he is and what hes up to and cling to actually unreasonable, unfounded fantasies of what happens IF he sees.

Anyway this is a long vent that basically says i think i get why people do it now but ultimately it will never bring the carthsis we hope for (:

He knew i had a tumblr but I dont think he's checking up on me coz. Whats the point. Its a lot of stupid memes for 3 im sad posts. Which accomplish nothing as discussed.

#its been...just under 3 months since the break up?#and I am still so so caught up in the fact thst the last weekend we spent together before he flew home was nice #he felt the pressure was off so he could just do what he wanted #which was talk more and answer questions and be more affectionate #which is all i ever wanted in the first place!!#and after all that time together he was still more scared of moving in any direction and it being wrong #than he trusted that i would treat him with kindness and respect and understanding no matter what he did #i dont think it'll ever not hurt that when booking plane tickets (a few months before) he couldnt decide between #spending an extra day with me and a ten dollar cheaper fare #not because he didnt like me but because he was frozen by the possibility of there being a wrong choice #and like there is if the reasoning isnt 'i have to be back for a significant event' and is IS 'i dont actually want to spend time with you'#then hiding that through indecision does no one any favours #unfortunately my biggest regret now is that i was uglu crying at the airport when we kissed goodbye for the last time #its very vain but i worry he will remember me like that #i could barely stand i was so upset!!! and i am concerned about my looks and keeping a man :'(#highly pathetic you were warned #anyway i miss him and i am afraid he is alone and sad and i cannot help

2 notes · View notes

early20sfailingplenty · 2 years

Text

To @bisexual-horror-fan 💗🫂😭

Word count: 4, 277.

Hey hi hello! Bex, my beloved!!😍🥺😭🫂💗💗💗

So, this letter is... a bit of a mixed bag, admittedly, but these are all things I've been wanting to say to you for a while. Some of it is gonna be stuff I've said already, some of it is gonna be stuff I've shown and not told, and some of this is me discussing in greater detail how I feel about the Joker film, in a braver way than I ever could aloud. Especially important sentences are bolded. I did try the night we got to watch Joker together, which meant so much to me. I know I said these things and I told you a little about how I feel about Arthur, but I feel like I didn't say anything of importance. I find it hard to express myself verbally sometimes, especially with things and people which are really important. How can I articulate feelings I don't even have the names for? Hell, I don't even understand all of my feelings, but I'll do my best to get them down for you. I know you'll understand. You always do.

So, first, I just want to say thank you. Honestly, that phrase pales in comparison to what I actually want to say, but there isn't another word which even comes close to how genuinely grateful I am to and for you. I've been working on this letter since I first told you I was gonna write you one but even with that time it doesn't feel like I've properly said what I wanted to, so at this point I'm just gonna give it to you. Even when I have no idea what I'm saying, you do. I don't say that in a way which means to put pressure on you or anything like that and I hope it doesn't come across that way. All I mean to say is that you're so perceptive and emotionally intelligent and you get people. That's one of the things I've always admired about you. It's like... you listen to what you hear but you respond to what you don't and that's... such an important skill to have. The amount of times I've sat in my room and just word vomited while being on chat with you and gotten to a point where I can barely follow my own sentences because it's so much, but you're there and you're calm and you just get in there and say things I didn't know I needed to hear until I'm crying and your voice is gentle but firm and good lord, Bex, you're just... an inspiration to me and undoubtedly to many others!

I can't thank you enough for always being here for me, for listening to me, for giving me a safe place and a space to vent, to cry, to be irrational, to voice my worst thoughts, to rip myself down in front of you, but also a place to realise where my cognitive distortions are and for giving me the tough love I need – especially recently, that was becoming a dire situation – to find my way back to myself. You always do that... you always bring me home.I always feel empowered and loved when I spend time with you. Five minutes with you does me more good than a few months lost inside my own head. Every time we go on stream together, especially when it's getting late for me so I'm all tucked up at my desk with low lighting and blankets, I feel the urge to go to sleep. Not because you're boring or because I don't want to be there, but because your voice, one of my favourites (it's right up there with Bo's voice), is so soothing and it immediately puts me at ease and my body takes deep breaths by itself and just melts into itself. I get all cosy emotionally and physically when I spend time with you; you feel very safe and familiar, like when the camera pans around into Ambrose as Carly and Wade turn the corner and all I can think of is going home. Your House of Wax masterlist is still my bedtime story set, not just for the amazing writing and flawless characterisations, but also because I know your voice so well that I read your posts in your voice, so it's like you're there with me as I read, waiting to fall asleep. I feel better about life and it's many many challenges when I know you're here, somewhere in this world, living your best life and doing your thing. It makes me feel like I can do it too and I'll be okay, because you've been there too, and look at you!!!

You're so... you, through everything. You're kind and you're tender-hearted, always looking out for everyone, always making sure other people feel heard and listened to, always making sure that people are cared for and are caring for themselves. You're compassionate and wise, emotionally intelligent, intuitive, perceptive, you're firm when you need to be and you know how to communicate effectively and you know when to say what needs to be said and how, you're so fucking creative and amazing at portraying slashers, your dialogue patterns are always so flawless I can hear the characters as I read the lines you gift us with, and the amount of joy and love which always emanates from you is really heart-warming, inspiring, and the fact that you're out here like this genuinely gives me hope for the future. I want to be like you when I grow up. I have a whole lot of respect, admiration and love for you; you're just so strong and so good and genuine and one of the most beautiful souls I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. You're true to yourself and the things and people you love and that's so brave, especially in a world like this. Everything seems warmer, brighter, somehow, from knowing you. Like, it'll all be okay because you're here. You're so much fun to be around and an absolute joy; even on my worst days, you've been able to make me at least crack a smile. I don't know if you're aware of that, but you can and have made me smile, even and especially during days I've thought I no longer knew how to.

So, thank you for being you.

That night we watched Joker together, I was... so fucking nervous. I was shaking as I sat down to start the film with you. It felt... so, so huge to me. I'd been wanting to watch it with you for months but every time I thought about asking you if we could watch it, I'd chicken out and ask for House of Wax instead and even though all those times, I did want to watch House of Wax, Joker was in the back of my head. So when we finally got to watch it together, it was a special moment for the both of us. Your first time watching of the most controversial yet important films I've ever seen (I say 'important' due to the themes and messages of the film, rather than as a word from a personal viewpoint... though that is also true), and me sharing my most special F/O with you... but also one of the darkest and most vulnerable times of my life. Looking back, I'm unable to tell anyone, even myself, how I survived it beyond one word: Arthur.

(Heaviness starts here!! I am going in.💔 If it becomes uncomfortable, you don't have to keep reading.💗)

TW; suicidal ideations, baaaaad feelings and vibes, I was not a good person and I'll say it again, you probably wouldn't have liked me. Red flags EVERYWHERE - I was not self-aware back then, but I am now and I'm only just starting to realise how unstable I was).

I was... in such a bad place. Not the first time I've been there, but it was bad. I was shut down and shut off from everyone and everything, including myself. I went to work, I came home, I studied for a degree I didn't fucking care about (not the one I'm doing now; this was an English Literature degree and I hated eeeeeeevery second of it), I did chores, I showered, I lived a life very much like the one I live now, except I wasn't there. I didn't eat much of anything. I enjoyed the pain of an empty stomach. Meant I was alive even if I felt like I was dead on the inside and my body just hadn't caught up yet. I felt like I was a ghost, or just... I only existed when I had to be in front of others. I could fall apart once my real life stuff was tended to, which meant I got to sit and stare at the wall for hours until I fell asleep and then woke up to go to work, study, do chores, shower... you get it. I was struggling at university and falling so far behind that it was getting to the point where dropping out would be easier than catching up, I was struggling at work and being threatened with being fired if I couldn't get better at my job, family life was worse than it is now and everything was bad bad bad red flags fucking everywhere just burn it down and start again.

I wasn't living. I wasn't even surviving, I was just sort of... waiting to die, I suppose? I don't know how to explain it, even to myself. But it was... dark. It was bad. I still hadn't healed, at that time, from the trauma I had gone through two years previously, and I was stuck. Frozen inside myself. I was cold, I was mean, I was angry, I was bitter. I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, interact with anyone. I just wanted to be left alone, to be by myself, so I could shut myself in my room and let myself rot where I sat. So, basically, I wanted to carry on as I was. I didn't care and I didn't want to care and I didn't care that I didn't care.

Yeah.

Emotionally numb, right? Well, I'm still not too sure, because I was suffering panic attacks two, sometimes three times a day, I was having nightmares or I had insomnia, and waking up in fear or shaking like I was gonna die or being so hungry it hurt were the only times I felt anything at all, and a part of me enjoyed those times because it made me feel like I wasn't dead, I wasn't a ghost, I was just.... hurting, badly and desperately needed something, someone. I was just... it was so fucking bad, Bex, and I have no idea how I survived it. Even now, I just make vague hand gestures when I think about it, because I don't know. I had nothing and no one. Every day felt like one biiiiiig today with naps in between and I was quickly running out of time; too many times, I stood at the side of the road, thinking about stepping out. A few times I did actually do it, but then I would step back because I was bored. Maybe bored is the wrong word, but I just... there was still something in me. Or I would go down to the beach and stand up on the three foot wall and think about jumping off, going into the ocean and not dying, not being found or murdered or anything like that, but just... disappearing. Ceasing to exist and the world would go on without me, no one would miss me or notice me gone, because I was never even there, so my 'death' wouldn't cause anyone any pain and that would make it all okay.

Yeah.

So then, when the trailer for Joker came out, I caught myself smiling. I remember I literally had to put down what I was holding because my grip was slipping and I couldn't look away from this man and I was transfixed. I booked my tickets a month in advance, I even booked holiday time off work so I could go see the very first showing on the very first day it came out. As soon as I saw the back of Arthur in his chair, I remember I took a huuuuuuuuuge deep breath and I held it; didn't release it 'til I saw Carnival doing his dance and my only thought was a quiet voice in the back of my head: “oh, there you are.”

I loved him before I knew his name.

But, anyway, you know the film, and let me tell you, the very first time I saw it, I didn't understand much of anything. A lot of the nuances went over my head and I didn't even really pick up on anything. I was just watching Arthur, feeling, for the very first time in a long time, a warmth in my chest. It was so intense that I genuinely thought I was getting sick or coming down with something. And I couldn't get Arthur out of my head. So I went and saw it a second time and I did understand and by the time we see him go up those awful stairs for the first time, I was sobbing and I didn't stop until long after I got home that night. Yet again, I peeled myself up off the floor, all alone, didn't tell anyone what I was feeling because there wasn't anyone to tell, and that's when it started. It's you and me, Arthur. Got to sleep at three that morning, had to be at work for seven so I was up at six, got home, showered, studied, dinner, chores.... on and on it went, 'til a week later, I still couldn't forget Arthur so I went and watched Joker. Sobbed the whole way through, came home, broke down in the bathroom, picked myself up, went to bed, woke up, went to work... showered, studied, dinner, chores, a week or so later, went and watched Joker. Everything was mechanical, like clockwork, but I had Arthur. I wasn't alone anymore; someone understood.

I remember the dates: first time I ever saw it was the first showing on the 4th October. Then the 15th, the 22nd, and my last viewing was 12th November before they took it off the cinema showings. I had to say goodbye for a few months until it came out in February, and I cried the hardest that night, but after that?

Everything changed in a good way.

I felt seen, like my pain or whatever I was experiencing (honestly, I still don't fully understand what I went through but I know I seriously needed therapy. I really really needed help) mattered, like I mattered, because Arthur felt it too. We see Arthur do everything as best as he can; he goes to work, he goes to therapy, he practises his passion, he works on his dream career, he cares for Penny, he runs the apartment, he works so hard and tries so much and he's kind he's kind he's kind he's kind look at him he's trying so hard he's so kind... when Arthur walks up those stairs and you can feel the exhaustion, it was like, “me too, sweetie, it's okay”, when he's laughing and gagging on it, I only wanted to rub his back and help him to breathe, when he's alone and sobbing (laughing), when he's trying so hard and not getting anywhere and he's exhausted and he's trying and he's kind (right up until he isn't but you know what I mean), I wanted so badly to have him with me, because he wouldn't leave me to scrape myself up off the bathroom floor at three in the morning, choking back sobs because everyone's asleep and I'm alone and falling apart and I'm too far gone to do anything but cry until I can't anymore, he would have held me and been there and told me he was there and he loved me and -

You see where this is going.

So, I decided to try. For Arthur.

For Arthur.

I tried to emulate his life as best as I could. Please excuse any typos, I'm crying, I just... I tried to make myself better. Arthur inspired me to try to be kinder – people met me with suspicion initially when I would stop, take a breath, smile at them and then say something I thought Arthur would say in that situation. He has no social skills but he tries and I'm not so good socially either but I tried, too, and it was so fucking hard. I wanted to snap and be cold but Arthur is so kind even with how bad he feels, Arthur is kind Arthur is – and so I would choose to be kind. Or, try. I was way out of practice by that stage and no one liked being around me and it was one hell of a fight but I kept trying, day by day by day and it did get easier. I found myself opening up more, I found myself going downstairs to stroke my cat at three AM when I was crying – allowing myself comfort because Arthur wouldn't have left me alone like that so why should I leave myself alone? I found myself smiling at customers and doing favours for my boss, I found myself trying to bond with people who recognised me in the street, I found myself listening to Arthur's songs – the ones in the film – and smiling when I heard them.

Over weeks and months, Arthur is kind became be someone Arthur would be proud of, someone he would love, and slowly, so fucking slowly and with so much hard work, I became who I am today. I chose myself because of Arthur, I chose to try, I chose to find myself, to heal, and because of that, I actually went out and bought a wedding ring which has a red stone in the middle; red because of Joker but also because the stone is my birthstone; a promise to myself, a strong lifelong vow, to choose myself, to want to be better, to want to commit to a better me. And I figured, I wanted to marry Arthur in all that self-shippy goodness, right? So, all that together, and I bought these:

The ring I wear to this day on my thumb:

The wedding ring:

I do not take these rings off.

They are very much comfort items as much as they are a reminder of where I was when I 'met' Arthur and where I am now. Where I'm still gonna go.

I do very much feel like I am who I am because of Arthur. The energy and efforts were and are mine, sure, but. He's at the core of what I do; I'm doing my psychology with counselling degree because I can't help the Arthur, but I can help people like Arthur, the ones in the real world, and maybe I can help them and make a difference so they don't become Jokers, you know? It's a cautionary tale of what a lack of empathy and kindness can do to a person, and so I decided to dedicate my life as best as I could to helping people, in whatever form available to me. And if I help others, then I can help myself, and it just... created this circle where Arthur's at the centre and I am who I am. It was a very slow process but every day, every day:

Arthur. Make him proud. Be someone he could love. Make him proud. Be someone he could love.

I started eating better. I started sleeping better. I started trying at work, actually trying. I started to catch up on university; grabbed a load of snacks and pulled a ton of all nighters until I caught up. And then my boss praised me and my tutors were pleased and I had a bit more energy and I had thoughts of Arthur smiling at me and I had the songs he loved and though I mourned the life for us I had created in my head because it wasn't real and I knew that but it was all I had to get me through the day, I felt myself thriving. I genuinely 100% stand by the fact that he saved me that night; he made me take a stand, made me decide to take my life back, and I would not be who I am without him. I just wouldn't. I would have been quite happy to let it all burn to the fucking ground but he was and is everything I didn't know I needed until I did. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit or maybe I'm seeing it as it is, I don't know. But, the point stands... everything changed for the good when that film was released into the world.

And this brings me to what I mentioned that night you and I got to watch it – Joker is the 'side' of Arthur I feel closest to (same person but Joker is a symptom of Arthur's mania, in my opinion). When I picture being comforted by Arthur, I picture him as Joker. My comfort pillow is Joker's suit (cuddling it right now as I write this; it's a bit damp with tears💔), I have his green shirt, I do his makeup every Hallowe'en, and he's very much the one I lean on. And, honestly, I have huuuuuge insecurities about Joker specifically. I remember I once put up on my blog about this and someone sent in an ask telling me that Joker would hate me because I try to be kind, he'd hate how I've been in pain but I came out the other side and tried to be better than the people who hurt me, that he'd hate me and wouldn't spare me a glance because where was I when he needed me??? And that stayed with me.

Even recently, when you and I watched it together, I felt that familiar melancholy seep in because Joker's plastered all over my wall (my study motivation collage; opposite the Eddie Munson one and yeah that's quite a spectrum) but what would he, the Joker in the film, think of me as I am right now? I like to think he would love me too, but I've never been able to say for sure and it hurts. Because he's the one I find so much comfort in, the one I find strength in, the one I relate to the most because he's cold and he's broken-hearted and it's Arthur as he always was, with no mask on (his real face is like the face-paint, I suppose, he's no longer hiding anything and he's his truest, rawest self and it's destructive and terrible and beautiful and ethereal and hasdfghjkl I love him so fucking much omg I just wanna sit on his lap and brush his tears away and talk to him. I've always wondered what he'd say to me), he's the one I think of when I do feel cold and bitter and angry; be someone Joker would love, someone he would be proud of. Just his name makes me want to be a better person.

But he's so unpredictable and we see so little of the real Arthur that it's hard to say for sure, and that genuinely affects me even to this day. I cried about it the other day, after you and I got off chat together. Because of everything in life, if I can make Arthur Fleck for all he is proud of me, if I could make him smile at me and want to spend time with me, if I was someone he could love... that would mean... god, I can't even describe it, but thinking of not having those things makes me feel physically sick and maybe that's a red flag or maybe it's just because I want so badly to be a better person, who knows? Not me. And I've had years to think about it. But it would mean I'm finally doing something right, when all my life I've felt like my existence was an error and I have to work hard to make up for the fact I wasn't wanted. That's a whole 'nother thing, though.

I just, thank you, Bex. Thank you thank you thank you for being who you are, for sharing Joker with me that night, for always being so kind and gentle and supportive, for being so fucking amazing and determined, passionate and a true joy to be around. You're one of my best friends and I have so much love and admiration for you. If I become even half the person you are, I'll consider my life a success. Thank you for letting me share Arthur and my feelings about him with you; he's my most special one and it means a lot that I finally got to share him with you. I could talk about him for hours.🥺😭Just did, in fact; all week I've been drafting this letter to you, wanting to get it right. Wanting to let you in. I know I've never shared this part of me with you before.🫂💗

I love you so so so so so so so so so so so much!!!

Yours,

Eri.💗💗💗💗💗💗

#this is very personal & deep & took me a few days to write #please please please don't comment on this unless you're gonna be really fucking gentle #this is incredibly vulnerable #literally shaking #unsure if i should publicising the joker part of this letter but fuck it #it's nothing i haven't said on main over the years

10 notes · View notes