#With all these emotional ups and downs

[tapakah0]

#I've read it. #**** you just read fluff chaos and little amount of angst and here BUM #It took me almost 2 hours to read just one chapter I don't know why but no regrets at all #With all these emotional ups and downs #I have one novel that I hold on the very top of the angst stories (I haven't read that many books #stories and fics and can judge only withing that little I have) #but if mnmc keep going like this this I need to widen my place on top... #I've cried over Mojo again #The same scene and here we go again. how. #And then this one SORRY I CAN'T PUT IT INTO WORDS #The way they triet each other #they both go through hell #All little details about their emotions #Their differences yet so many similarities #I don't like the angst is placed out of nowhere but this fic was BORN IN ANGST #I WANNA BITE BIG MAMA'S HEAD OFF #FOR THE GOD'S SAKE LEON KILL HER FRIEND #YOU WANTED LEO JUST TO BE SAFE BUT WHAT'S THE MEANING IF HE'S NOT #AND IT'S SO DARK IN THEIR CEILING THAT LEON COULDN'T EVEN SEE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH LEO #SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED AT ONE TIME #I DID COUNT WITHOUT JOKES HOW MANY TIMES I DID CRY DON'T JUDGE (I AM HARD TO CRY ON SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T CATCH MY ATTENTION I GUESS MY AT #ENTION IS CAUGHT WELL ENOUGH) 4 TIMES. 4 F***ING TIMES #FOR THE GOD'S SAKE I WANNA SEE CLICHE WHEN THEIR BROTHERS JUST BOOOM CRUSH EVERYTHING AROUND ON THIS AIRPLANE AND SAVE THEIR BROTHERS I WAN #A A CLICHE #I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THE END OF THE STORY WHEN LEON DIES HOW HE WANTED FROM THE VERY BEGINNING #I AM NOT OKAY OVER THE WAY HE TREATS THESE KIDS #OR LEO SUDDENLY A BOOST OF POWERS AND TELEPORTS THEM #ANYTHING #JUST NOT DEATH #AT LEAST NOT LIKE THIS

[vaguely-concerned]

sometimes I think of all the on-the-surface warm, well-meaning but deeply ineffectual advice and attention john gives harrow through harrow the ninth (make some soup and get some sleep! get a hobby! don't be so hard on yourself! self care harrow! as long as I need take no actual responsibility in this relationship whatsoever I would have loved to be your dad!) set up against the stark truth that with his other hand he has been staging her attempted horrific murder again and again and again like a living nightmare on the logic that it will 'put her down or fix her'. and then I find that I wish there is a hell. a special hell where twitch streamers turned necromantic death emperors go

#the locked tomb #harrowhark nonagesimus #john gaius #harrow the ninth #this is why I don't buy john as misunderstood and initially well-meaning AT ALL #this is a pattern you see with him again and again and again -- right down to his interpersonal relationships #(and indeed it's in the more grounded interpersonal relationships you can most clearly see him as he is I think #the fantasy death empire of a thousand years doesn't register quite as viscerally because it's like. heightened; not quite real #but the emotional violence and manipulation that surrounds him? oh boy that is EXTREMELY real and scarily well-observed) #there's a premeditation to so much of what he does (contracts with planets that only end 'in the event of the emperor's death' anyone? #yeah john we get it you're hilarious and I wish you weren't) #the greatest trick john ever pulled was making anyone think he's just a lil guy. what does he know he's only god #when you first read the book the complete callousness of the other adults is so horrible that john seems like an oasis of care #(though you start to get this uneasy feeling when that care never seems to translate to like... relief or soothing or resolution) #and it makes it feel almost obscene when you find out what's actually going on #it's the mercy & augustine enabler hour but at least they're completely honest in their cruelty there #while john is -- well he sure is being john huh #this is just me being angry with him btw philosophically I don't think this is how the story will or should end #(with john slam dunked right into hell that is) #it's just... harrow is so vulnerable. and what he does to her is so insidious and fucked up #john is very deeply human. unfortunately the capacity to quite simply suck so much is deeply human too

[dreamsy990]

you know i used to think it was weird how sora and roxas have such different personalities for supposedly being 'the same person' but after playing a few games i sort of realized that they do have similar personalities, because roxas acts how sora does when he's under extreme stress.

compare roxas to sora in, say, kh1. that's where a lot of peoples idea of sora's personality comes from. sora is generally very upbeat and optimistic in that game. not very similar to roxas, right?

but let's switch the game and talk about a game where sora is ABSOLUTELY GOING THROUGH IT. chain of memories.

sora's resting state is melancholy in com. he only ever cheers up in short bursts, usually when he's joking around with friends. just like roxas.

he's quick to anger, and tends to lash out at the organization members. best example of this is when larxene makes him 'remember' namine, and he swings at her repeatedly, even after she's gone. he only stops when jiminy is able to snap him out of it.

you know what scene that resembles?

sora, while a bit more on the angry side and less sad, continues to act like this in kh2 when he's in stressful situations. (he also has a tendancy to insult people which, while it's not very related to the point, is very funny and sora saying 'gonna cry?' to xigbar is great.) i cant comment any further than that about kh2 off the top of my head.

so, roxas acts like sora does when he's stressed, right? but why is roxas always acting like that? to which i say, he isnt!

he only ever acts like that when he's also in fucked up and stressful situations, which happens to be a CONSTANT in his life. but when he's hanging out with axel and xion, a decidedly NOT stressful situation, he's a lot more like sora. he's teasing his friends and insulting his coworkers and joking around and acting like a normal kid. not really important, but unless i misremembered some sora lines which is VERY possible, both roxas and sora respond to friendly insults with "oh thanks!" a lot. just a funny little detail that felt relevant.

the biggest differences between roxas and sora boil down to environment and... i dont know how to put it besides volume? roxas is very quiet and tends to keep most of his thoughts to himself, while sora is very loud and expressive in comparison.

there is one other huge difference i noticed, which is less character based and more story. sora wanted to get off destiny islands and explore with his friends, but roxas just wanted routine. sora wants adventure, and roxas wants things to stay the same, for days where he gets off work and eats ice cream with his friends to last forever, to keep having conversations about nothing and watching the sunset. roxas wants normalcy, sora wants excitement. it's just interesting seeing their contrast.

not sure if this is very well said or anything i just wanted to talk about my boys

#random thoughts #its been a while since i got to use that tag eheheh #i bet theres a few people following me who didnt even know i did analysis posts #the fact that sora and roxas grew up in very different environments is pretty important btw #roxas was already a bit quiet and being in a cult where any expression of emotion is immediately shut down probably didnt help #we'll probably never get a good idea of how roxas would be if he was in a normal situation #id say some of the twilight town stuff might be a close estimate but even that doesnt really fit considering all the shit going down #even from the very start hes being accused of theft hes Not doing the best #anyways. sora and roxas are different obviously #but theyre a lot more similar than people really talk about #kingdom hearts #roxas #sora #not rereading this so it might be a little weird and hard to read sorry

[ahhrenata]

GO TIGERS GO 📣

@chocoarts has once again blown my mind by bringing my little steddie lines to life. I don’t even have words to describe how in awe I am of choco’s skills. The lighting, the colors, the style, EVERYTHING is just so breathtaking- I’m forever grateful and honored to collab with you 💕

Concept: I say both of us! I said a pre-s4 steddie pep rally and you specified s2 :)

Literally everything else (including Reefer Rick 🤩): @chocoarts

the bare-bones sketch i sent under the cut:

#guys it’s young Pedro as reefer Rick #my life will never be the fckn same 😍✨🤩 #the little yoda pin ✨ #y’all don’t understand when I say I laid face down trying to process this piece when choco sent it #I still keep covering my face trying to keep all the screams and emotions inside while I type this up #you’re seriously the best choco #I’m so glad I met you #collab2.0 #pineyoufools #steddie #steddie fanart #stranger things #steve harrington #eddie munson #s2 steddie #inspired by a photo of cliff in bring it on where he’s reading at the game lol

[igura]

wardrobe notes for my silly au; travelling king thranduil

#thranduil #the hobbit #lotr #myart #i wanna start drawing him consistently for all of these doodles anyways #i hope his emotional state/proximity to elrond will be apparent by how ornate or stripped down his clothes and jewelry are :) #he wears dark warm colors and greens elrond wears cooler colors and occasional red and copper their tailoring is to personal taste #i like that rivendell elves have really elegant lines in their clothes it makes sense w the art nouveau architecture #i think thranduil dresses p singularly tho i think his tailoring and color choices are all of his own (dramatic) #ugh wish these geezers would hurry up and court each other so i can draw elrond wearing a flower crown in the greenwood

[maomango-doodle]

(13 pages) Forlorn

#trigun #trigun stampede #millions knives #on an episode of “how much can i woobify knives :D” #his character is interesting to explore. so much loneliness mixed with strong emotions repressed behind a cold facade #i wondered how he would react to the realization that he misses vash #if he brings his plans to fruition then they'll be reunited -- that's what he tells himself #maybe to keep the loneliness at bay but sometimes it catches up to him #i thought maybe this cold and perfect facade knives parades would shatter and the “ugly” emotions hidden behind would spill out #which would be smth out of his control. and knives hates it. or deep down is terrified of it #smth smth knives seeing vash in his reflection on a stolen red plant #and oh #oh he's PISSED #he let a part of himself break. he showed weakness. and over what? over vash?? but hes doing everything for HIM #he thinks -- so it's vash's fault he's losing his composure right? #it's vash's fault he's distracted from what could reunite them. his fault knives is doing all of this. feeling all of this #using vash as a scape goat for his own emotional turmoil #and that piano be damned. it's a monolith of his loneliness #if only it could all disappear-- the piano-- the cold-- the memories-- the weight on his heart-- the FEAR #there's smth about his rage being rooted in fear that intrigues me #fear of remaining alone-- fear of the hurricane of his own emotions-- fear of time passing and loss of control #then his hood falls off and he's left vulnerable and exposed #also i like the idea of knives looking pretty when he's composed but when he shows strong emotions he turns ugly and wrinkly #comic #i forgot it was in my drafts lol also not kv btw ^^ #Thank you for reading! :3 #shinxo art #shinxo comic

[shepscapades]

Hey! i’m really into the dbch story and i was wondering if doc and xisuma ever tell bdubs the specifics of why etho lost his memories, cause if they do that is prime self blaming angst for bdubs

I’m inclined to believe they don’t. Actually (and maybe I should do a small comic for this so more people see it) I imagine, once a month or a few pass and they finally return etho to bdubs as reset, I imagine they are VERY serious about warning bdubs not to try to force Etho to re-deviate— they don’t go into specifics, but they probably tell bdubs that whatever happened had to do with something that was emotionally overwhelming, and that forcing him to redeviate/not letting it happen naturally could trigger the same error. They have no idea what could happen so bdubs needs to be very careful and let Etho find himself again on his own.

Whether or not bdubs gets impatient or can only go so long before he doubts it would be that bad if he tried pushing Etho in the right direction is another story.

But yeah. I don’t think Xisuma or Doc really… tell anyone that this happened. Etho’s error seemed like a very specific one-off scenario, so it’s not something the other hermits should be trying to avoid or be careful about happening to their own android friends, and the only thing telling people would do is make them worried about the situation. All they need to know is that etho was broken and that they need to be careful with him. I don’t agree with their decision to keep what happened to themselves but I understand it I think. Xisuma “i don’t want to worry the hermits” Void and Docm “eh this isn’t the first time I’ve replaced this arm, people won’t question it” 77

#that’s a lie actually I think xisuma ends up telling Cleo :> #but only because Cleo is very smart and I think they should be close in this au :] #but no she would clock Tired Overworked Existential Crisis Xisuma in an instant #Cleo calls them both idiots and gives them big hugs and tells them they need therapy. also that they’re welcome by her place anytime to talk #it’s very sweet and healing to me #this is where “all things end’’ on Xisuma’s playlist comes in actually #oh my god I got so off topic #BDUBS IS GOING TO FEEL GUILTY NO MATTER WHAT THOUGH #like okay. technically #the reason etho shut down is because he was freaking out that everything was his fault #(last life—not giving bdubs a heart— trying to win for bdubs and then losing— coming back to s8 feeling like he can’t face bdubs—> #ending up leaving him alone when the moon hit #and bdubs was hurt by these things. no doubt #but bdubs just wants his friend back and maybe he’s a little reckless about it #bdubs hides his emotions behind cartoonish frustration and complaining but he feels bad #he feels like he should be doing more to ‘save’ etho and bring him back even though he was to #told* he shouldn’t #dbhc ask #dbhc #dbhc bdubs #dbhc etho #dbhc doc #dbhc xisuma #ask #anon

[lazycranberrydoodles]

hanguang-jun...

lan wangji in ace attorney!! turn on sound 🔊 / traced over edgeworth's sprites :) more info below the cut ↓

also including a bonus Happy Wangji that i couldn't fit into the video!

his share code is YCNKBA! the music used is Recollection -- Light and Shadow of the Film Studio. I thought it had a nice, contemplative feel, between Suspense, which was too intense for the scene, and Heartbroken Maya, which was too sad. the wwx/jc/lwj reunion scene is truly sososo interesting in every adaptation.

→ masterpost here! ←

#my emotional support longterm semi-obscure crossover animation series based off of a throwaway joke #i poured all my thoughts about the jc/wwx reunion into my yiling patriarch shitpost just like. scroll a bit down on my blog #would love for jc to have more expressions in this but sadly if i have to go back and edit a finished piece i spontaneously combust 😔 #lan wangji and miles edgeworth autistic kings #its very funny to me that my sprite with the most emotions yet is the character that famously doesnt emote #i used the internet archive EXR translation again #edited some of the dialogue cause it didn't sound very natural/was too long #but i also found out that the entire series of official english mdzs books are on the internet archive?? straight up?? #by 2042 ill have animated every single character and recreated the entire novel in objection.lol so watch out for that lmao #mdzs aa au #mdzs #aa #lan wangji #mo dao zu shi #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #the grandmaster of demonic cultivation #mxtx #wangxian #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #twin prides of yunmeng #ace attorney #animation #art #my art #pixel art #objection.lol #flashing tw #flashing images tw #flashing cw

[tennessoui]

brain will not let me sleep until I say

same age padawans au where they’ve been in a weird wired frenemies thing for ages but now that they’re both mature adults (all of 24/25 years old) they’re more friends than enemies….

And it’s Obi-Wan that Anakin tells when he’s decided he’s going to leave the Order, not anyone else. He has a wife. There was a pregnancy scare a few weeks ago and it made her want their relationship to stop being a secret so they could really have kids. He has to leave the Order. Doesn’t Obi-Wan understand?

Obi-Wan, who has been a little in love with Anakin since they were younglings, does not understand. Not one bit. Instead of wishing him well and helping him pack, he goes to the Council and requests a mission in the Outer Rim….perhaps a month long or more…perhaps undercover? No contact with anyone on Coruscant. And maybe they could assign Anakin Skywalker as his back up? He can help with the undercover aspect.

And at first, Anakin is pissed because he was planning to resign from the Order in the next few days, but Obi-Wan convinces him to go on this mission with him….one last mission as a Jedi. To say goodbye to the Jedi life.

Obviously, Obi-Wan sort of wants to go on one last mission with Anakin because in his dreams, he wants the mission to go so perfectly that Anakin stays with him the Order. But realistically, he mostly wants to go on this mission to say goodbye to Anakin and then let him go, soaking up all his warmth and light, memorizing every casual touch bestowed on him because he knows they’re ticking down to the last handful of seconds together.

But then obviously the mission works TOO well and Anakin falls in love with Obi-Wan but doesn’t admit to it even to himself before they’re on the ship about to head back to Coruscant and Anakin realizes he doesn’t want to leave this planet because he doesn’t want to leave Obi-Wan if it could always be like this so he crashes the ship during take off so they can stay longer because he’s 24 and doesn’t know how to handle the immensity of his love except through destruction

#Kit’s silly lil AUs #obikin #I couldn’t finish the Democratic fic part today writing was so hard :( #I offer this instead <3 #hopefully will get it up tomorrow #but anyway: no physical cheating but probably emotional infidelity as anakin falls in love with obi-wan but doesn’t notice #and a lot of pining but being brave about it obi-wan which could also turn into finding his rebound in the outer rim obiwan #which would then turn into seethingly jealous anakin #+ bonus points is that their cover is theyre newly weds #and obi-wan is like <3 you can touch me mister we have an open marriage <3 #and this poor guy at the bar is being stared down by a vicious anakin and he’s like uh does your husband knkw that ???? #but yeah here for pretty newly knighted obi-wan creating a situation where he gets to feel anakin touch him and kiss him on the cheek #and hold his hand and call him pet names #all the while being convinced that this is all he will ever get so he has to be satisfied with this #that the yearning will stop and he will find comfort in the memory of anakin’s arm around his shoulders once he’s left the order and obiwan #to be with his wife #also obi-wan gets wasted one night and someone asks how they met or when they fell in love #and obi-wan accidentally tells the drunken truth #not the cover story #and it makes anakin go 👀🧐 #but then he gets too drunk and forgets it

[sergle]

There's something about like. A certain genre of posts / Online Opinions about insecurity/depression/misery/complaints that are so unhelpful that they wrap right around to being straight up hilarious. and it's the ones that are more or less written to the tone of "Feeling bad? That's gross!" Like, just so you know, don't voice your insecurities/ have low self esteem, because that's offputting! You're gross and weird. Don't be insecure about that, though. That would be stupid if you felt insecure about people disliking you for being insecure. Not attractive. You should be thinking about being as attractive as possible. You shouldn't make comments about suicide, even if you're suicidal! Keep those thoughts entirely to yourself. Make sure nobody around you knows you're thinking about this. It would Make Them Uncomfortable. It's better to keep these thoughts in your head where they can fester. Don't post OR talk to friends with complaints about you feeling miserable or depressed. Tbh people who are sad/upset a lot? Kinda a red flag! You are probably miserable because you're a bad person and you've brought this on yourself. If you don't have friends, it's because you're awful to be around. Easy! Solved the problem for you. And no, there is no nuance to this, got it? So, make sure to feel bad about feeling bad, but don't feel bad about it, because, well, that's just gross. And annoying! You might've wanted your brain rotted thoughts to be Peer Reviewed, you might have just needed to vent- you might've been hoping for some comfort, to get things off your chest. Well, don't! Don't talk about thoughts or feelings that are negative with your friends, you'd be burdening them and that's only meant for THERAPY. #SponsoredbyBetterHelp #MentalHealth like, DAMN. that's so helpful. you're so good at helping. I um really liked the part where these are all hard and fast rules that encourage keeping feelings bottled up and keeping your friends at arm's length. That's really funny of you.

#I FEEL LIKE COMPLAINING RN in the context of this alternate universe these posts live in. that makes me evil rn. I may not even keep #the post up. but I Needed to complain about these bc I hate seeing them #really funny and good because it very much feeds into that part of the brain where you go wait am I stupid? am I horrible? am I annoying? #before you express any kind of personal feelings. from feeling insecure alll the way down the spectrum to feeling like your life is over #before anyone How Dare You Say We Piss On The Poor-s at me YES there is a nuanced version of this #which is. you can make someone feel like shit (A Fellow Sufferer Of The Mental Eelnesses) by using them as your dumping ground #in excess and usually with no regard for how they feel and without Regular conversations inbetween #and in a one-sided way where they can't do the same and complain with you as a sounding board in return #don't tell new friends you hardly know abt THE MOST personal shit you can possibly think of. there are steps being skipped here #right? we know this. we all know it. setting a boundary is a thing. overwhelming a person is a thing #on the other hand there is such a thing as a friend who IS okay to listen and wants to help. and friends who relate. #maybe talking abt personal stuff makes ppl feel closer sometimes. just a thought! maybe not everything is Emotional Labor. maybe just maybe #but like come on. these are almost intentionally unhelpful posts #long post

[storm-driver]

from here

#this is so fucking important to me #im... so happy about how the manga tackled THIS scene #kingdom hearts #this part of kh3 always felt odd to me tbh #it felt like the writers wanted to do something and just. didnt go all the way #there were ideas and they just didnt fully write them down and put the same amount of effort into them as they did in other places #THIS feels so fucking... emotional. and for what reason? #it's just. sora cares about roxas. #it's just true. he cares about roxas and feels bad about the situation that him and roxas both were put in. #he never found it fair that he got to exist while roxas was told to unalive. #and while the sora writing in khDDD and kh3 definitely told us that #definitely told us that sora DOES NOT like this situation and he would be willing to do anything to bring roxas back #it wasn't this. #this feels like a friend you barely got to know. realising that you had it so rough. #and desperately trying to break down any barriers between you two and grab your wrist #to hold onto you tight and refuse to give up on searching for you and trying to help you out of your darkest places. #sora is so fucking insistent on proving that roxas is not just his nobody. #roxas is roxas. #donald being sorta confused makes complete sense #because he didnt see how roxas fought with every fibre of his being against sora to just try and beat him and prove his right to live #he didnt see sora bearing the weight of roxas' life and feel the betrayals and lies and deception that he barely understood as it was. #to anyone else. roxas probably is just sora's nobody. #sora may very well be the one person who knows that isn't true.

[scribefindegil]

"Only in the darkest depths of fear can true courage shine" is obviously about Mob but I keep thinking about it in reference to Dimple's actions in Mogami arc. He was so scared! He started shaking like a leaf as soon as he recognized Mogami and he begged Mob & Reigen to leave, but he STILL faced Mogami head-on in Mob's body as a distraction and voluntarily entered Mogami's mindscape to get Mob out! The trust conversation hits even harder when you remember that this isn't an abstract danger they're up against; it's an entity that Dimple has very specific trauma about!

#mp100 #also. like. #when they see all the spirits in Mogamiland i think a lot about how #a) some of those are spirits that Dimple knows bc they were his former henchmen! #and b) he came so close to ending up as one of them himself! #the shared backstory is so. interesting. #and the fact that like. i don't think that dimple and his henchspirits were all buddy-buddy bffs #but just thinking about how in the past he did have companions #and Mogami killed them all #and how that ties in to how he worries about Mob & Reigen in this arc #'if you die we can be friends again down here' says local spirit who otherwise refuses to admit that he wants friends #anyway these tags are a mess but: *holds up dimple like a scruffed kitten* #i just think his deep-seated emotional issues are neat

[candied-cae]

I know some folks have been saying “Ed wanted to die in the same place he laid next to Stede-“ WRONG! HE WANTED TO DIE WHERE STEDE LAID NEXT TO HIM!!!

The place Auntie points out as being where his head was crushed by the cannon ball is the exact spot where Stede’s head had been during the arrest and that’s even more insane than the first option. (Anyway, I wanted to correct that assumption. It’s only a matter of like 2 feet, but I still find it an important detail, and figured a visual might help!)

#Cae Has Lots of Feelings About Our Flag Means Death #GUYS- #HE LAID DOWN IN ONE OF THE LAST PLACES STEDE WAS ON THE REVENGE #HE LET HIS BODY BREAKDOWN AND GIVE TO THE TIRE RIGHT ON THAT SPOT #HE WANTED TO DIE ON THE EXACT SPOT THAT STEDE LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID “You came back.” #I am screaming and crying and feeling every emotion humanly possible #I need us all to know that Edward Teach born on a beach wanted to spend his last moments in a place he remembers so fondly #Despite all the chaos of the British Invasion he smiled while he was arrested #Looking at Stede and waiting to see whatever happened as long as they saw it together #And now Stede's gone #But Edward will be too. Soon. #So he lays down - right there - to wait for it to come #Wearing Stede's Cravat #Soaking up whatever tangential connection to Stede Bonnet remains on his ship #I love him your honor #He is so babygirl #It's also a fun lil easter egg that Frenchie's in pretty much the same place in both shots too lol - but Ed's the crucial part #Our Flag Means Death #OFMD #Our Flag Means Death Season 2 Spoilers #Our Flag Means Death Spoilers #OFMD Spoilers #OFMDS2 #OFMD s2 spoilers #Stede Bonnet #The Gentleman Pirate #Edward Teach #Blackbeard #Gentlebeard #OFMD Meta

[ruanbaijie]

再晚就来不及把你忘记，这荒凉的世界即将没有你 逃不出注定分离的游戏，这荒唐的命运只有你愿意 陪我，等一场雪，等繁星满天，让这一刹那间，抵过一万光年 你在另一边快要消失不见，请别再倒数时间，我怕我会不顾一切 I will never let you go, 想回到世界的尽头 you will be always in my eyes, 直到模糊了黑夜白昼

a little later and I won't be in time to forget you, you will soon be gone from this desolate world unable to escape from this game where we're destined to be separated, in this absurd fate you are the only one who is willing to accompany me to wait for the snow, to wait for the star-filled sky, to let this fleeting moment surpass thousands of light years on the other side, you are about to disappear, please don't rewind time again, for I'm afraid I will do anything regardless of the cost I will never let you go, wishing to return to the end of the world you will always be in my eyes, until day and night are blurred

THE SPIREALM 致命游戏 (2024) 1.77 adapted from the danmei novel Kaleidoscope of Death 死亡万花筒 by Xi Zi Xu 西子绪

#userdramas #asiandramanet #cdramaedit #cdramasource #致命游戏 #死亡万花筒 #the spirealm #thespirealmedit #kodedit #kaleidoscope of death #asianlgbtqdramas #danmeiedit #danmei #*gifs #xia zhiguang #huang junjie #userinahochi #userkimchi #tuserjade #seamayweed #that scene where their hands miss each other and their reactions to that #i was already so gone #and then came that one long focus on rnz #his EMOTIONS #from fake smiling and pretending it's okay #to his facade literally CRUMBLING #still trying to keep a smile on his face but you can see it trembling and the tears welling up #and then he finally breaks down-- #and all throughout the scene with that sad insert song playing #with the lyrics describing them so perfectly and hitting so HARD

[cryptvokeeper]

don’t get me wrong I think the general interpretation of Leo being like “I put up a cocky front but deep down I don’t actually think I’m that great and that’s why I have something to prove” is good. It’s cool, plenty of drama/angst potential and probably what the creators were going for, I’m here for it.

But there is a distinct appeal to me of the slightly-to-the-left interpretation of Leo being like “it’s not a front, I know I’m that good/smart/skilled, but I also know I’m seen by others as just the goofball face man and that’s why I have something to prove.”

#Rottmnt #Wild metaphor incoming but it’s like the difference between a hersheys bar and fancy Ghirardelli or something #At the end of the day they’re both chocolate. But ones got a bit more depth. #where was I going with this again idk I got caught up in food metaphor #It’s like. With the first one it boils down to character A (in this case Leo) going “I’m useless because I’m not good at [thing]” #Resulting in those around him either going “of course you’re good at thing! Remember the time you were good at thing?” #Or sometimes “it doesn’t matter that you’re not good at [thing] we love you regardless of what you can provide” #And again THATS GOOD THATS SOME GOOD SHIT #I LOVE THAT #but with the latter it’s more like “I know I’m good at thing *but I don’t know how to prove it to you*” #And that gives you the best of both worlds where you CAN get character A feeling bad but not for their lack of thing #But because if no can see it surely they *must* be doing something wrong right? #And ALSO you get the characters around them getting all sorts of feelings of “we didn’t do enough to show we believe in them” #Or “we didn’t notice how hard they tried” #Cuz you can get that a little in the first one but it can come off as kinda meh cuz they didn’t actually do anything wrong #It also has more opportunities for emotions besides straight sadness #You can have anger and conflict of “why am I not good enough for you?!” #That straight sef deprecation doesn’t always allow for #You can also have jealously and envy that feels less toxic and more justified #Not that it strictly needs to be justified mind you #Sometimes some toxic feelings stemming from perceived inadequacy are fuckin *chefs kiss* #But again it’s abt the VARIETY yknow #This isn’t even about Rottmnt anymore I’m just rambling #It’s my post and I get to choose the bullshit tags

[ickypuppi3]

be mine.

billy sighs. rests his forehead against the cool metal of his locker. tries to ignore the hum of people talking around him. holding hands. cuddling. it’s a shitty day. it’s a shitty day and billy knew it was going to be a shitty day before it even started.

he knew because he had been the one to say it. yesterday. to tell steve that they’re not- that billy doesn’t need to be treated like a fucking girl. that they’re just screwing around. that he doesn’t give a shit if steve wants to fuck someone else today.

that steve might as well go crawling back to wheeler because billy sure as shit can’t hold his hand or call him sweetheart in the hallways. that he gets enough heat at home without the whole of hawkins high knowing how much of a queer billy hargrove is.

and then billy had walked off. slammed the door behind him and gone home. had picked a fight with neil just to top it off.

all because he was scared.

is scared. scared of steve harrington with his preppy fuckin’ polos and dumb hair. his pretty eyes and pretty smile and ability to tilt billy’s world on its axis just by looking at him. scared that steve will get bored of him. that he’ll realise billy isn’t worth the effort.

scared.

billy sighs again. shuffles back slightly and glares down as he twists the lock. the door swings open and billy is halfway to grabbing the book he needs when something falls out. a scrap of paper. no bigger than the palm of his hand. a note.

it lands on billy’s boot.

he looks around. wonders who had felt brave enough- dumb enough to shove a note through billy’s locker on a day like today. he bends down. picks it up. reads the words in front of him.

quarry, 9.

there’s a little heart scribbled on the top right hand corner. billy traces the familiar writing with a thumb. feels that all too familiar feeling in his chest. he clenches his fist. hears the crinkle of paper as he does.

then he looks up again. into his locker. really looks, this time.

a pack of marlboro reds lay on top of his books. unopened. new.

next to those, something smaller. candy, billy realises. a sweetheart, specifically. the words kiss me etched in pink.

billy smiles. can’t help it, really. it’s restrained. barely there. just a small twitch of his lips but a smile nonetheless. his first smile of the day. credit to steve fuckin’ harrington and his inability to leave well alone.

billy smooths the note out. places it next to the reds. next to the heart. tries to tamp down on the butterflies swarming in his chest. he takes a deep breath before stuffing the cigarettes and note into his pocket.

his hand hovers over the sweetheart.

“hey.”

billy pulls his hand back. fast. as if he’d been burned. he looks to his left. locks eyes with the boy now standing next to him. feels his heart stutter. “hey.”

steve gives him a knowing smile. “good day?”

“no.” billy frowns. you already knew that. “pretty shitty actually.”

steve leans. folds his arms. “that bad, huh?”

better now that you’re here. billy swallows. turns away from steve. back to his locker. “did you want something, harrington?”

“nah, just..” steve smirks. reaches out. billy feels his breath hitch. steve’s smile gets wider. he flicks billy’s earring. once. before turning on his heel with a see you around thrown billy’s way.

a promise. something deeper to them but. casual. friendly to anyone watching.

billy watches him leave. wonders if steve might be okay with them having to do things differently. wonders if this might be enough for steve. for them. wonders if he could be enough for steve. hopes-

billy jumps when the bell rings.

-

they meet up later. at the quarry like steve had said. neil under the assumption that billy’s seeing some girl. steve’s parents likely thinking the same.

billy feels as though a weight has been lifted as soon him and steve tumble into the back of the beemer. all cold hands and fumbling with belts. awkward limbs and steamed up windows. and billy lets it happen. lets himself be held. lets steve be sweet to him.

billy lets it happen. finds himself thinking that today might not be all bad. and that he might be more than a little bit in love with steve harrington. he pushes the second thought down. focuses on winding a hand into steve’s hair and sucking a mark into the soft skin just below his jaw, instead.

not all bad.

-

later finds them huddled under a blanket in the back of steve's beemer. sharing a cigarette. marlboro. red. steve nudges billy after a few minutes. doesn't say anything just. nudges him. billy tilts his head to the side. gives steve a look. steve just looks down as his hand finds billy's under the blanket.

then he presses something small into the palm of billy’s hand.

billy raises an eyebrow in question but steve’s already looking away. staring out into the night. cigarette glowing in the dark. billy rolls his eyes. wiggles his arm free and holds the object up to the window to get a better look.

be mine.

he laughs. loudly. tries to hide the racing of his heart. calls steve a fuckin' cheese. and a sweetheart. waits until steve turns to face him again before pressing the candy to steve's lips and pulling him in to exchange kisses that are almost too soft. too sweet for whatever this is. whatever they agreed for this to be.

steve pulls back first. whispers against billy’s lips “hey, baby?”

“yeah?”

“happy valentine’s day.”

“…yeah.”

almost.

steve grins and reaches out to play with one of billy’s curls. billy laces their fingers together under the blanket.

or maybe it’s just right.

#billy ‘i’m too hard to love’ hargrove and steve ‘i’m literally so in love with you’ harrington #the queers are queering #billy hargrove #steve harrington #harringrove #my words #i was thinking of those love heart sweets we have here and found out sweethearts are a thing so here we are #i haven’t done my research so idk if they were a thing then but i assume they were #so #suspend your disbelief if you must #anyway #i think it’s fun to imagine steve’s biggest gripe being his sexuality crisis at the begging of them hooking up #but once that’s out of the way he’s just got billy on the brain #but billy’s problems come later when he has to be like #vunerable with his emotions #and he immediately tries to build the walls he knocked down back up #because it’s safer that way #but steve just won’t have any of it #yeah that #also he feels bad because steve can’t be all steve with him in public and it’s like #a thing #but steve finds ways to work around it