#USUALLY NOT A PROBLEM i think its just late and i am feeling the effects

[spearxwind]

snaps wide awake out of completely nowhere thinking “are my ocs too weird”

#USUALLY NOT A PROBLEM i think its just late and i am feeling the effects #but i went on like. a trip into my art files (never a good idea) and i got self conscious for no reason #literally its so silly i was like. fuck are my CD characters too nonhuman looking. i keep thinking theyre v humanoid but then i draw them #and taking into account the biology and stuff its like. wow they are just fucking beasts. down to habits and posture and customs #and now im like. fuck did i make them TOO like that #and that for some reason led me to look at art of talas and be like. god did i make him too weird. is his mask weird. #YOU KNOW.... TALAS. WHO IS MY SECOND FAVE. AND THE MASK THAT HAS BEEN THERE SINCE THE BEGINNING #i may be losing my fucking mind #it could also be that my brain is going ALART !!! you need to tweak the reference again!!!!! the art is not at prime capacity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #god am i making sense #im so fucking normal fr. i just need CD to be the best ever and get a good grade in it which is both normal to want and possible to achieve #thunderclap #oughghg sorry for the completely insane post i just needed to scream at a cloud for one second thank u for ur time

[tsarisfanfiction]

Beneath the Stars

Fandom: Trials of Apollo Rating: Gen Genre: Family/Angst Characters: Will, Nico Apollo kids slept with the sun, except for when they didn't. Overnight pre-quest outings don't help. TOApril day 9 - The Hour Past Midnight. I am tired and Will is tired so if this is incoherent, that'll be why.

Will was tired but he couldn’t sleep.  Usually, he slept just fine as long as the sun was down (when the sun was up was another matter entirely), but a pre-quest, well, quest, rather enforced the need for him to stay awake.

Then again, Will suspected that this would’ve been one of those rare, irritating nights where he couldn’t sleep even without external stimuli keeping him awake.  Going out lizard-hunting with Nico to try and gather bribes for the cavern-runners drove home exactly what they were going to be doing in the morning, but at least it came with the added side effect of knowing that they were also doing everything they could to mitigate the risks.

And there were a lot of risks.

The moon was out, no clouds thick or plentiful enough to hide its light, and Will let his head tip back to stare up at it.  He’d seen a lot of the moon over the past six months, since Apollo’s stint as a mortal had begun, and there were some things that just weren’t coincidences.  Will didn’t know how much influence Artemis had over her brother’s fate, but it was comforting, in a strange, disquieting, way, to recognise that with his dad… incapacitated, for lack of a better word, his aunt (not that he often thought of Artemis as such, wasn’t sure if she viewed herself as such) was still there.

Sure, Artemis would never drop by in his dreams, or even acknowledge his existence, but any hint of normality in a world that was currently anything but normal was one that Will would clutch at with both hands and never let go.

If only getting Apollo back where he belonged was that easy.  Right now, it felt more like Will was helping to accelerate his father’s permanent demise, because going to the trogs still felt like a terrible, terrible, idea, yet here he was.

Will was trying hard not to think about how if they weren’t all eaten by the trogs, there was still Nero to contend with, and after him, Python.

Even the name of the last one had him shivering.

His head knocked against the trunk of the tree he was leaning against, torn between being awake and passing out where he stood.  He could take a nap, if he wanted to.  Nico had never expected him to do more than keep him company for this, Will knew, especially as it was long past sunset and the lizard traps showed no sign of succeeding in their purpose just yet.

He should take a nap.  They were due to head out at dawn – provided they caught a stupid lizard in time – and then the quest would begin in earnest and Will’s opportunities for sleep would drop considerably.  He wasn’t Nico, who could go entirely too long without sleep – not for any logical reasons like being a son of Hades, but because he’d messed his sleep schedule up so badly that his body just rolled with it, even though it shouldn’t.  If Will didn’t get some sleep now he was going to crash mid-quest.

The problem was, Will wasn’t going to sleep.  He could feel it in the tenseness of his body and the faintest strains of a headache at the base of his skull.  He was too stressed to sleep, too on edge for his mind to slip away.

Next to him, also leaning against the tree, Nico was fully alert despite the late hour.  They were nearing midsummer, and even Nico had shed his outer layers until he was just in a t-shirt and jeans.  His bare forearm pressed against Will’s, cool but not worryingly so, and Will’s hand was close enough to his wrist to feel the rhythm of his boyfriend’s pulse steady and even beneath the skin.

It was soothing, and Will knew Nico was doing it on purpose, using his vitakinesis against him to keep him relaxed.  It was hardly the first time, and wouldn’t be the last, either.  Nico had used the exact same trick to get him to sleep after a late night in the infirmary, and with his sword out, he was clearly prepared to stand guard while Will slept.

If only Will could actually sleep.

Above him, beyond the moon chariot, the stars shone clearly.  Will could name all the constellations despite rarely being awake late enough to see them, because they were all named for Greek mythology – all came from Greek mythology.

The newest acquisition, the Huntress, was nowhere to be seen, because she was a winter constellation, and that meant Orion was also missing, because he was part of the winter sky, too.

Will’s eyes found Lyra, the lyre of Orpheus.  It wasn’t the biggest constellation in the sky, but it was one of the most Apollo-like in the sky (Will adamantly ignored Serpens; Python was slithering around in his mind unwelcomely without further incentive), and Will would take any connection to his dad at all.  Any hint that he would survive and regain his godhood.

Right now, his father would be laying in the cot in the middle of cabin seven, a bed meant for guests when Apollo belonged in the cabin more than any of the rest of them.  Will hoped he was asleep, but he didn’t think the laws of the universe that dictated that children of Apollo didn’t stay awake easily at night applied to the god himself, even if the god happened to be mortal and vulnerable.

Still, Apollo needed the rest, so Will could hope.  He could suffer a sleepless night and its consequences if it meant his father was well-rested and had the best possible chances of survival.

He sent a private, silent prayer to the moon above him.  Maybe Artemis could help that happen – at least then, Will’s sleepless night would feel like it had a purpose.  He would gladly never sleep again if it helped to keep Apollo alert and alive.

#trials of apollo #trials of apollo fanfiction #riordanverse #riordanverse fanfiction #toapril #toapril 2024 #tsari writes fanfiction #will solace #nico di angelo #pjo apollo #pjo artemis #solangelo

[ofthatcolossalwrxck]

Entry date: 9th of September

First ever diary entry . . Usually , I would keep personal things like this in a notebook . But circumstances have happened . . I did try and keep an actual journal as per what my therapist had suggested , but oddly enough , while my memory has been getting A bit Bad lately , there's been someone tearing off pages in my original diary — I suspect because I i recall writing the old entries every day of the week , yet there's huge gaps in between . And and there are marks to suggest this . . I figure it would be best to encapsulate all my thoughts , my progress , and feelings into something non physical .

So as I write this , I'm currently on my second night of taking the anti - psychotics my therapist has prescribed me . I thought at first that I would be able to handle the side effects , but now that constant tired feeling I normally get just became into this this This guttural exhaustion that's weighing down every ounce of muscle . I asked my therapist about this , and she had said that it's a common side effect apparently . Still , I tried to make dinner earlier But I ended up just standing there . Just slowly falling asleep mid-way and what woke me up was my hand having to be on top of my stove .

Even while I'm writing this , I still feel so tired . And my hand aches so bad , it always has been but now it's aching even more now . The worst part ? It was today that I finally released my hands from the unclean , white gauze . I had them for a while to avoid looking at how frail they look , but y'know I was feeling quite confident today . Now I have to wrap it around again with bandages for the time being . . is it just me or does it feel like for each step I take forward , there's always always a step back ?

I knew healing wouldn't be this easy . . but I thought it would be easy to motivate myself into doing it . I i am not exactly healing for myself after all , it really is the least thing I can do for the people I hurt in the past . . but

No no excuses . I need to continue my way . I have made it this far after all and I can't just quit t . But oh good god , the weariness is catching up to me . I don't like how there might be someone reading my entries and removing parts of them , I i have reason to suspect , and I don't like how the medication makes me feel like I feel so emotionally subdued in a Way that's so so Calm it really is so calm in here but it's scary . The calmness is the most eerie part of all , I'm not used to it I'm not used to the quiet peace

I can try and endure it for a bit but but I really. really am not used to it . There was just something about that supposed chaos in my brain that fel t like home , y'know ? Like it was a bad kind of home yeah but it was home anyways . . In here , I feel quite foreign . I hadn't realized how much I missed being around L'manburg — or at least what remains of it . But the thing is I don't know what exactly do I miss . The memories it feels like it was ripped away to the back of my head , and it slips every now and then to prove its existence but even so It's

I don't know . I don't know I really don't know but it's it's something . There's something about this new place I'm in that's scary , and that says a lot since there are way too much pitfalls and holes to stumble down upon in L'manburg's remains . In here the way the birds chirp and sing is so Nice that it's too nice , like that's exactly how I feel about my neighbors . They just it's too nice around here .

I i think is the problem , but it doesn't really sound like a problem so I don't know ! I don't know what's up and that's what's bothering me . . Am I just that so far gone that my mind is forever entrenched in chaos ? Am I ruined ? Am I doomed can i even be fixed at this point ?

my head Hurts from thinkjng about this . I i think I'll mull over it later Thinking so late in night is unhealthy for me anyways . this concludes my first entry and now i just have to pray that as the weeks go by this huge ache stuck in my chest does too

#rev's personal entries ~ #bursonaverse

[sillyflipping]

DXM 180mg hbr + weed trip report

8:10 PM: packed a bowl and smoked it. around this time, also hit the pen a few times, and a couple hits of nic vape

10:30 PM: Took 180mg DXM hbr in the form of 12 gelcaps, 15mg each. They were a generic store pharmacy brand of gelcaps, but I made sure to get the kind that contained only dxm and no other active ingredients. If you’re going to do dxm, don’t do it if there’s acetamenophin or guafinesin in whatever you’re taking because it can actually kill you, and it is not pleasant to OD on acetamenophin. Before taking the dxm I took one pill of otc dramamine to combat any nausea. The amount I took should get me to a high first plat, *maybe* a low second plat, or at least so says the dosage calculators. I’ve not done much Hbr in my past, I usually used to do freebase pills and occasionally poli (Delysm). I hadn’t done dxm in over a year now, I know it caused me a bunch of problems in my past, but for some reason lately this past week I’d just been craving it for some reason. Honestly in the past few days I’d just been fiending to get fucked up. And now, I’ve finally done it, i’ve taken my first-second plat dose and I’m waiting for it to kick in. I will try and update every hour. Also note I’ve never combined dxm and weed before, so will see if it’s any different. Also If I end up falling asleep will continue to update in the morning or whenever I wake up.

11:30 PM: Don’t notice any signifigant effects. Bit of a headache. Am lying in bed was watching some youtube videos.

12:00 AM head pounding a bit but it’s not intese pain. Just kind of a headache a bit dizzy/disoreinted bit spinny rooms spinny

12:40 AM head hurts, dizzy. This isn’t like the previous times i’ve done dxm, it’s not kickin in as hard, though to be fair I used to do freebase at higher doses and at that time I was also on abilify and lithium. Gonna try and lie down close my eyes cuz my head hurts

3am: wakw up tripping can barely type tbis. CEV’s and body heavy, dizzy visual snow room spinning. mild nausea. Feel like am on low second plat Obviously no ones awake cuz its 3am and idk

3:22 AM: I realize i mustve slept thru the peak of the trip as it’s 3am. I don’t mnow if i ever slept or if ive just been laying here in my own head my thoughts are blunted and despite the dozziness nausea and weird statitc snow visuals, it’s working to makw me not fee emotions. still tripping. hard to type

I cant belive i used to be such a dexhead that id go places like id go grocery shopping w frens back in college while off the dxm. Cant belsiwv it. This shit sucks theres way better drugs oit there this aint it

Dont really feel that cold but am shaking shivering

4am: texted a friend who was up at this hour, probably not about anytning super important. im still in the dextroverse but i think maybe im slowly comin down. There’s still visual snow and a jelly-like state about the air and atmosphere around me. I took like a 2nd plat dose and I’ll edit this trip report for more coherency and grammar once am sober

Dxm is bad trips not mentally. Mentally its pretty good but the body high is awful. Dizy and nausea spinning

4:23am: read some online calvin and hobbes comics. i never read those as a kid before but i feel like i can really understand them better somehow while trippin

4:43am: The comedown is the best part, honestly.

5AM: Still tripping, coming down. Compared to the overwhelming love and joy of a (good) mushroom trip, and compared to the depression and lonelieness i feel in my daily life, this is kinda true neutral. i feel nothing, numb. slighly optimistic tho. dont feel depressed atm. dont feel happy either.

5:40 AM: slowwwlllyyyyyy coming down. i try eating a couple spicy chips (carolina realer cheeto) to see if i can still taste, as sense of taste is often greatly diminished on dxm. The cheetos taste bland, and i feel the heat of the spice but no flavor. Sad.

6AM: less dizzy. head hurts less but still barely hurts a little bit just mildly annoying. The room stopped spinning. Am chillin on the couch, no one else awake yet

7AM: don’t think i’m still tripping, i feel a bit faded but it might be the afterglow or just general me being zooted. The sun is rising

1PM : pupils finally went back to normal size

Thoughts: Dxm fucking sucks. I felt a weird emotion that felt like how a chemical smells. Weird and numb and unable to feel anything. Awful body load. Why would you ever do dxm if you can do anything else. Nostalgia is a liar

#sillytripreports #trip report #dxm #dxm hbr #drugs #this was when i relapsed on dxm friday #after not doing it for over 2 years. #i had prior history of dxm abuse

[officialralsei]

…that does make sense! It reminds me of shaping something out of the Grand Fountain. I’m more used to spellcasting mechanics, but harnessing intent like this is something I’m not too unfamiliar with! I’ll give it a try now.

…

…GOOD. I HEARD THE SOUND OF ITS SUMMONING. NOW, FOCUS YOUR MAGICAL INTENT. AND LET IT POOL WITHIN THE ORIGIN OF THE ATTACK. WHEN YOU CAN HOLD THE ENERGY NO LONGER. ALLOW IT TO COALESCE INTO A SINGLE BEAM. 

THINK OF IT LIKE DRAWING A BOW TO ANCHOR. AND RELEASING IT IN ONE MOTION. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HOLD THE ENERGY WITHIN PLACE. OR IT MAY RELEASE ITSELF OF ITS OWN ACCORD. IN A MUCH LESS… CONSTRUCTIVE. MANNER.

TRY IT NOW.

…

Hmm. Um, I’ll try that again. It fizzled out…

IT IS ALL RIGHT IF YOU CANNOT DO IT YET. IT IS A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF MAGIC. FROM WHAT YOU ARE LIKELY USED TO. TAKE YOUR TIME TO BECOME COMFORTABLE. WITH SIMPLY SUMMONING THE ATTACK. IT WILL NOT CONSUME YOUR MAGIC. UNTIL IT FIRES SUCCESSFULLY.

…SPEAKING OF WHICH. I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT ‘TENSION POINTS.’ THE “PLAYERS” TOLD ME OF HOW THEY ENABLE YOUR SPELLCASTING. BUT WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT THE GENERATION OF ‘TENSION POINTS.’ AND YOUR USAGE OF THE ‘PACIFY’ SPELL IN PARTICULAR. WAS… CONCERNING. 

…IS THERE… ARE YOU… ARE YOU OKAY, RALSEI?

Oh, I’m fine! I don’t use that spell as often as they implied I do, anyway. Usually I sleep pretty well! It’s only every once in a while that I end up using it.

BUT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE ABLE. TO CAST IT AT ALL, EVEN OUTSIDE OF BATTLE… TO BE IN SUCH A STATE OF HEIGHTENED STRESS. THAT ITS EFFECTS ARE COMPARABLE TO BEING GRAZED BY A BULLET… THAT IS QUITE WORRISOME.

Oh? Is it?

…

…YES. ALL THE MORE SO FOR YOUR HAVING TO ASK THAT. 

…BUT THEN AGAIN. I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HAD ANY METRIC. BY WHICH TO HAVE KNOWN THAT, WOULD YOU…? I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT YOUR CREATOR DID NOT IMPART UPON YOU. MUCH KNOWLEDGE OF MENTAL HEALTH. 

…

BUT THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. I… I DO NOT KNOW HOW I MAY HELP YOU. BUT IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT…

It’s fine. Spellcasters are meant to build up stress a little more easily than other classes, haha. It really isn’t that unusual to have a full TP bar after dealing with those above us, I think! Especially if they’re, um, being demanding.

YES, CERTAINLY, BUT…

…

…IS IT BECAUSE OF ME? I… I UNDERSTAND IF IT IS. I WILL NOT BE MAD, I JUST… WISH TO KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT IS CAUSING YOU DISTRESS. SO THAT I MAY FIX IT. 

It’s not your problem to worry about. Capische?

…Umm, but since you are worried… I don’t have quite as much TP lately as I used to. These days, um, it doesn’t build up as fast as it used to, either. So you don’t have to be concerned, okay? I really am doing fine.

…I UNDERSTAND. I APOLOGIZE FOR PRESSING YOU. I AM JUST… REMINDED OF MY SON. HE ALWAYS REFUSED TO ADMIT WHEN HE WAS STRUGGLING. EVEN WHEN THE EVIDENCE WAS DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME. 

I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER HE WAS TOO PROUD TO ASK FOR HELP. OR SIMPLY DID NOT THINK I COULD HELP. BUT… IT WAS DIFFICULT TO WATCH. IF THERE IS ANYTHING AT ALL I CAN DO…

…BUT AS I SAID. I WILL NOT PRESS YOU FURTHER. I AM JUST GLAD THAT YOU ARE DOING BETTER THAN BEFORE. I… I HOPE THE TREND CONTINUES.

Thanks!

…Darn, that one didn’t work either. Umm… I guess this is more difficult than I thought, haha!

TRIAL AND ERROR. FAILURES PROVIDE MEANINGFUL DATA FOR NEXT TIME. JUST DO NOT FORCE IT IF IT IS NOT WORKING. YOU WILL ONLY HURT YOURSELF THAT WAY.

I think I almost got it! Just a little longer. Like you said, I'm learning a lot from trial and error! Your lessons always teach me a lot of new things, haha.

THAT IS WONDERFUL TO HEAR.

…

I, TOO, HAVE LEARNED FROM OUR LESSONS. THINGS THAT I DID NOT EXPECT. CONCERNING THE WAY YOUR WORLD FUNCTIONS. AND BY EXTENSION, THE CONNECTION BETWEEN OUR OWN WORLDS. AND THAT OF THE “PLAYERS.” 

…THEY WERE CERTAINLY QUICK TO MAKE REFERENCE. TO OUR CONVERSATION DURING YOUR PIANO LESSON.

Haha. Like I said last time… it's very, very interesting, isn't it?

YES… IT IS A NEW UNKNOWN VARIABLE. A RARITY IN THIS EXISTENCE OF MINE, THOUGH AS OF LATE. THERE HAS BEEN MORE TO STUDY. THAN EVER.

…

I AM CERTAIN WE WILL LEARN MORE. OF THE PURPOSE OF THIS PHENOMENON–

I did it! I did it! Did you hear that? It was so loud!!

EXCELLENT, RALSEI. VERY GOOD. THE SOUND IS UNMISTAKABLE. 

DID YOU, AH… HIT YOUR MARK?

Umm…! I meant to fire it off into the emptiness beyond the cliffs, but, umm… it hit the ground. Haha. Umm… it's kind of a big crater…!

THAT IS TO BE EXPECTED. THE BEAMS LOOSE A LARGE AMOUNT OF ENERGY. WITHIN A VERY CONCENTRATED AREA. 

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT…?

I'm okay! Um, the ground shook a bit, but I'm not hurt at all! And I'm just on the cliffs, so it's okay if I mess up the terrain here a little bit, I think! Umm… I think a crater of this size would have been bad if I had done it in Castle Town, haha. Maybe I won't practice these in the training grounds until I have better control…

A PRUDENT CHOICE. 

TO BE CERTAIN THAT YOU UNDERSTAND. HOW TO CONTROL THE CONSEQUENCES OF AN ACTION. BEFORE PROCEEDING WITH THAT ACTION. IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF ANY WHO WIELD SUCH POWER.

I'm not sure I do understand how to control the consequences yet, haha. Certainly not as much as you think I do. Still… that's why I have these lessons with you, isn't it? To figure out what sort of control could be possible for me.

And, you know… maybe you could keep consequences in mind a bit more during our time together, too. Just a thought.

…

…DULY NOTED.

#officialralsei #hehe.

[squirmydonnie]

Vent: CW: unreality

I'm just very upset lately. Very angry.

I don't want to do any of the things that I've done for my whole life.

And I guess that's because I've done them for my whole life but it feels weird.

Nothing feels the way that it did. Everything is wrong and weird.

Nothing feels the same or different.

Everyone I know I don't know anymore.

Everything I do isn't the same anymore.

Most things I do make me upset.

Not really that they've become unenjoyable.

Because the things that I'm talking about aren't enjoyable things. They are things that usually bother me or make me sad. But now it makes me sad and then angry.

I'm more upset most of the time.

Not enjoying things.

I'm just mostly upset all the time.

I've been shaking this whole time writing this. Not out of anger.

I just have so much anxiety.

Nothing feels right at all. I'm just waiting for it to be over.

But I've been waiting for so long.

That most things just feel like me waiting. Waiting for it to be over.

I know how long I have. But it's become pretty tiresome.

I'd really like for time to just speed up.

It doesn't help that this is the boring and uninteresting I've ever felt.

My friends and family are gone.

I don't have them. So I miss them. But do I really?

What I'm really missing is everything they gave me.

But if that was all just me, I've just been alone this whole time.

I don't have my friends or family.

I don't even have myself anymore.

before coming into "real contact" with my daydreams, I only ever talked with Cookie 12.

We could short conversations with each other.

He didn't really know who or what I exactly was. It sometimes seemed like he didn't really know where he was.

We were like on a white piece of paper. White screen. White walls.

I enjoyed talking with another version of me. And of course I did.

I've always done this. Making stories about myself and changing my name in them even though it was clearly me.

I like putting myself into stories. I like thinking of myself in a very vague way.

But once I'm unable to do that, I don't know "what I are".

I don't know what I'm doing. Its extremely lost. Theres nothing I can do.

Theres nothing I can look up and find for this.

I find this problem often. So much that i don't like it when something is like me. Or if it relates to me. And don't like clones.

Or people who I sometimes see as my clones due to my similarity to me.

I've since had less problem with this. But. I really do like clones. When I can tell its me.

I like Cookie 12 and BC.

I miss having BC.

Earlier this week I wanted BC to brush me.

I don't know how to explain this, but I was in class and something was wrong with my back.

So I wanted her to brush it with a brush?. But she can't because shes gone.

So it was just me in the white room being brushed by nothing. Like the brush is floating and brushing me but no one is there but me.

Cookie 12 isn't gone, but I know he doesn't want to talk to me. Xe used to be okay with it. But now that he knows I'm the one who's been doing all this stuff to him. He obviously doesn't want to be around me.

I used to take Mama from him and just have her in my room.

If I didn't take things so seriously and at face value I wouldn't have this kind of problem.

And I'm specifically talking about things that can be considered imaginary or fake.

These kind of things I take as real.

And when it's not that. Its serious subject that everyone else takes as a joke.

And this seriously effects me. Its hurts me so much I can't move on from it.

I'm hurt by these things and I can't handle it.

I hate so many jokes and I find nothing funny a lot of the time, despite how humorous I am.

It's all just very confusing.

It's the first time I've been human I guess.

Everything's is just wrong now.

#cheeseburgerboy #cookie12 #mama #BC #where is my family #most other people don't keep everything inside for the betterment of others with a specific timeline. #because mostly that makes no sense

[punch-love]

🌿 🍉 💎 🧿

🌿how does creating make you feel?

Alive and very present. I usually lose track of time because I am just so in the moment of whatever I'm working on. I also love when I've been struggling with a project and I figure out how to resolve the problem. It's like figuring out how to tug the thread just right to make the entire tapestry shine.

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

I think in particular, writing for this fandom has given me a chance to talk about mental health issues very frankly and honestly in a way that touches a lot on my own experiences in life. I think seeing people relate to my characters going through very human, complicated experiences with (varying) levels of empathy and understanding has been a very healing experience. I've said this before, but love-punch is an immensely personal work, and each chapter is influenced by events and emotional experiences that I was going through while writing the chapter. I can re-read each one and remember where I was in life, what I was struggling with, and what I wanted to distract myself from with writing. I think by the end of it, it'll effectively be like an unofficial diary of my mid-to-late twenties whether I like it or not.

💎why is writing important to you?

I think I'm good at it, and I really like doing things that I'm good at. Life is full of humbling, often embarrassing situations where you are either out of your element or just not naturally inclined to do something well, and writing is such an easy escape because I don't have to think too hard about whether I'm doing it the "right" way. I also think that I have stories to tell and that whenever I exorcise one of those stories out of my brain and onto the page, it makes my inner landscape a little less cluttered. I also love it, so.

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

I do take things very personally, but I try not to take it out on people because how my audience reacts vs. how I feel are two seperate experiences. I've said this before but my main coping skill is just talking a lot with my friends (especially other writers in this fandom) about the negative and frustrating experiences I have creating content. I don't think I take a fic not doing well personally because as I've said, I feel like everything I've written has found its audience in some way and there's nothing I've written that I feel was "passed" over so to speak. I'm a control freak so putting content out and not having it read in the way I intended or having people see things in my story I didn't put in (or not seeing things I intentionally tried to highlight) used to really get me twisted up in knots. I think fandom is a really great place to learn to not give a fuck, to accept that people will ingest your work in their own personal lens and interests and will say things that make your skin crawl regardless of anything you do. You cannot control someone's reception to your work, and I think that by accepting that, I've learned to take it all a lot less personally. I've matured a lot in the almost two years I've been writing for public consumption.

#mailbox #ask game #you always ask the most intentional/interesting questions thank you #frl like. I used to lose my mind whenever someone read something I wrote wrong #and now I am like. anyway - #like it bothers me. I WILL complain about it to my friends but I don't have to respond to anything that I don't want to #and this is a free medium! anyone can and will read it #and that's okay :)

[qwanderer]

Whoo! I am tired. It’s August to start with, and on Friday my refrigerator completely stopped working.

I haven’t trusted the freezer for months and months; the last time it had a full meltdown it started working again within a couple of days, so the management company didn’t feel the need to bring someone out to look at it, but that was when I bought my chest freezer. Just a small one, but it’s good to have all my food that needs to be kept frozen in a freezer I trust. And since then the freezer hasn’t been perfectly consistent, and I did in fact at one point get the company to send someone to take a look at it, which didn’t seem to fix the problem entirely, but it has at least usually presented me with frozen ice in my ice cube trays when I needed it, until Friday after work.

On Friday night I was still hoping it would kick back in the way it did last time, so I just tried to keep it closed to preserve the coolness that was still there, but on Saturday morning it was worse, so I started damage control. I put some liter bottles of ice from the chest freezer into the fridge to create a classic icebox, not enough ice to keep things truly refrigerated but at least it all stayed below room temperature. I ate or froze all my most perishable food.

The management company ordered me a new fridge this time, so that should be arriving on Wednesday, but I also ordered a mini fridge which arrived today! It’s lime green and very cheerful. I set it up after work and moved my remaining perishables in there (most notably some celery and a carton of eggs; I’ve just been cooking my eggs to over hard instead of leaving some softness in them, I figure they’re fine otherwise) and pickles of various kinds (anything in brine is probably pretty well preserved).

I threw out a lot of my condiments, the mayonnaise of course, but the others too, less out of concern for their safety and more because a lot of them were really old anyway and there isn’t a ton of room in the minifridge, so I took the opportunity to purge stuff I hadn’t been using.

Anyway I’m hoping the fridge was just old and it wasn’t actually anything I was doing that caused it to fail. It seemed pretty old and was missing one of its door shelf guards when I moved in.

In the past I went through a lot of trial and error trying to determine if there was some kind of external condition that was causing the refrigerator to fail, like its settings or the temperature in my kitchen or overloading it with warm leftovers, but none of those seemed to correlate with the thawing I was seeing. Lately I’ve been worrying that it might be vibration from the mini washer & dryer that I use; the washer is pretty light but its spin still packs a punch, and I’ve been keeping the dryer on top of the fridge.

But like, fridges being next to laundry machines is not terribly uncommon, and mine are the little versions that plug into standard wall sockets and that I can haul around the apartment by myself pretty easily. And after I started to wonder about the possible effects, I added anti-vibration feet to both machines. The dryer has still been standing on top of the fridge, but the compressor and probably most of the circuitry are down at the bottom of the fridge anyway!

I’ve been trying to think of a way to arrange the kitchen that has the dryer somewhere other than on top of the fridge, and I haven’t come up with anything that seems practical. So I thought I would ask google how much of a risk vibration is for refrigerators.

I found a forum where some RV hobbyists were talking about putting domestic refrigerators in their RVs and just driving around with a normal fridge in there! Driving hundreds of miles across the country and over bumps and stuff. None of them reported any problems. That’s very reassuring. I will probably just put my dryer back on top of the new fridge, but I also plan to shuffle things around and see if something else might work, especially if the new fridge is smaller in any dimension than the old one.

I’ve once more moved my kitchen table and most of my appliances into the living room to make the refrigerator accessible, and my collection of compact appliances is getting to be a silly long list, but I get so much use out of them!

Before I moved here I owned two window ACs, a slow cooker, a microwave and an electric kettle, which is pretty reasonable, I think. I still have those (or replacements) but now I also own compact washer, dryer, dishwasher, two freezers and a minifridge. (One of the freezers lives at work.)

I’m hoping to keep the minifridge as just a backup, I don’t think I’ll want it plugged in all the time once I have a real proper fridge in my apartment again, but I think it will be reassuring enough to have that I’ll want to hang onto it. Also it’s pretty! It will just be a pretty little cabinet that happens to contain a compressor, I guess.

Anyway that is why I am tired.

#my host of mini appliances is growing #yes I already had that tag lol #irl adventures

[getallemeralds]

i'm thinking of doing an animation meme myself, do you have any recommendations? :O

GOOD NEWS I HAVE AN ENTIRE PLAYLIST

(warning: some of these are loud and flashy or have blood and there's some with ableist language in titles. also there's some repeats because of variations)

it really depends on what kind of mood you're going for? you can kinda break animemes down into categories - there's the intense/edgy/angsty/ominous ones (Ping!, Avenge,Wake Up, I Need A Win), the cute/chill/sometimes romantic?? ones (Thinking About You, New Light,Feeling Down), and then the really energetic/bouncy/usually silly ones (Dinosaurs Go Rawr, Candy Pump, Chok Chok), but then there's also stuff like "is this built with multiple characters in mind, or for characters with certain features (eg wings), etc"

from there it's a matter of figuring out which ones look less complex / are more approachable for starting out, which is. probably the question you're actually asking me DFGHXLKDFHGLK so here is an arbitrary list:

NAMx (simple loop with effects, focused on expressions)

Beings (variations on same character)

i was gonna put Shelter here bc that was one of my firsts but the original appears to be gone now and its just the variation?? uhhhh

Blast Doors (simple loop with pose changes)

ITS OK (simple loop focused on expressions with more variation than NAMx)

Bad Vibe (lipsync focused so. probably not a good starter actually bc lipsync is hell. whoops)

Pop It! (simple loop without much effects, also hi i made this one years ago so i have a bias lmao)

and i am also now discovering exactly how GARBAGE youtube's search has gotten in the past couple years because it is genuinely getting impossible to find variations on certain animemes without wading through completely unrelated ones and im going to start biting

however out of all of that the most important part is finding an animeme that has a song youll be able to stand listening to on repeat LMAO. i used to look up "[song i like] animation meme" and go from there. also looking through what animemes animators you like make (eg ive been looking at Polar Summit's stuff lately) and going "oh this looks cool i wanna try"

but also like. in general. the animeme community has a really big problem with flashing lights / fast images / eyestrain. people have gotten better about warning for it but old animemes especially go all-in on it (trying to find a non-flashy version of Nice Day that was close to the original's pose/vibe last night was REALLY hard) so be careful when looking for stuff if youre sensitive to that :(

#leo chirps #leos reply #transmorolians #ica.txt #HI. BIRD INFODUMP TIME. OK GOODBYE #long post

[keefwho]

July 19 - 2023 Wednesday

7:51 AM

I think maybe I have a case of imposter syndrome. Something I was reading related to how I think, “They wouldn’t say I was good if they knew what I was REALLY like.” It makes sense too, believing you’re a bad or broken person despite operating well on the outside will make you feel like that quote. But as soon as I defuse from self criticizing thoughts and develop better perspective, my self opinion improves greatly. 

2:11 PM

I feel like writing every time I am in distress which is almost constantly. Its EXACTLY like when I had my major anxiety problem because there was actually no break. It was constant, every hour. I do feel like I’m taking my first effective step in getting better about my situation though. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself because it’s only been a few days now that I’ve been applying focus on just a couple of things. Those two things are reminding myself that I’m me as much as possible, and identifying/defusing from thoughts that cause me distress. Whenever I feel ‘bad’, I try to think about what exactly is making me feel this way. Often times it will come down to a thought or belief that may or may not be true but either way is occupying my mental space in an unhelpful way. I’m trying to improve on noticing these thoughts and not letting them get to me so much. I can still feel bad about things as long as I’m not getting too sucked in. 

3:29 PM

At my core I just want someone to share things with. Experiences and feelings. Some to feel open and safe with. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. The yearning is strong.

3:55 PM

The thoughts are coming on strong. Thoughts like: “How did I fuck up everything so bad.” “Can I really move forward.” “What if I lose them.” “I can’t talk to anyone, they’ll hate me.” “I’ll never see improvement.” “My relationships are on the downhill.” “What if I stay lonely today?”

But they are only words. They might be true or untrue. They are just appraisals made by my mind about everything I got going on.

Im always irrationally worried that today will be the last time I talk to my bestie. I’m afraid she will become too aware of how fucked up I am. 

4:48 PM

I’m deep in, trying to defuse from my thoughts. There are just so many. I also have to defuse from the thought that I won’t be able to defuse. Its INSANE. I could use some perspective if only I could find a way to get it right now. I feel like I’m stuck in the past in a place that doesn’t exist. 

For awhile I was hopeful that I could rekindle a friendship with someone I had a falling out with but I think I’m far too late. Its something I let slip away and I’m upset at myself for it. I see old pics and feel sad that they are probably looked at by the other person as something hurtful. I handled everything that happened very poorly, all because I didn’t know how to handle my feelings properly and didn’t have a good grasp on myself. Thats why I’m still afraid now. I’m afraid I’m going to mess everything up again for similar reasons. Things I can’t even see yet. 

10:44 PM

This morning I ate beefaroni with some saltines in it and an applesauce. Kind of a weak breakfast but it was different than usual at least and very convenient. I tried making a stellar cup of coffee with extra sugar but got some coffee grounds in it. I did a warmup off stream and a little bit late. I felt very strongly that I wanted to make something mushy for my bestie. Just a little thing to show her how highly I think of her. I started my stream after that and only went for 1 hour 15 minutes instead of 2 because of how behind schedule I was. Since the commissioner is paying double I could afford to do that. We watched the King Ramsey episode of Courage today. I was also kinda brain dead like I didn’t know how to make non-awkward conversation. After stream I procrastinated a little bit before my workout. It was a pain in the ass setting it up but I got my mic, wireless headphones, and xbox controller configured to play VRchat while I walked. I did stay occupied but unfortunately made no conversation with anyone. I watched Henry’s Kitchen stream on the side. I did 2.5 out of 3 miles on the treadmill and ended early so I could mow the lawn which would also count as my cleaning for the day. Half the lawn is basically fully dead at this point and I don’t know what to do about that. I had a quick shower before making lunch. I made Rice a Roni Pilaf with broccoli, green beans, spinach, onions, and tuna. It wasn’t bad but I didn’t cut the onions very well and I don’t like the texture of pilaf very much. At this point I was starting to get in a bad mood and eventually got around to doing today’s request but I decided not to do project work today. I felt like sulking a little bit instead. Also my eyes hurt. I knew I couldn’t just sulk though and tried to work just a little bit on anything I knew I wanted to do. I played Pony Town and made a little addition to my house. I made the Hopping Homies VRchat group and a stand-in banner. I set up 2 new channels in my server specifically for my art and VR content. Might expand that in the future but this’ll do for now. I watched XQC stream and hopped into his discord server’s VC and actually made some nice little conversation while all watching him together. I kinda trauma dumped but so did the other guy I was talking to. It would be helpful for me to stop saying “im fine” even to strangers when I’m not actually fine. I’m not trying to sympathy farm, just be open and honest about being down because it’s okay that I am. I had a little VR time with the bestie after that and a nice  feelings chat with her. I probably have something to talk about almost every night but I do worry if discussing each other’s sorrows so often could be a bad thing. Thats just my brain talking, I feel as though it is good but on the surface it seems like it could get out of hand. But maybe not. It’s something I’ll figure out by feel. 

I think today it would have been best not to make that sketch, only because I sort of promised I would give less to my bestie because of how it can make her feel like she needs to do more. I made sure I wasn’t doing it out of obligation or anything though, I really wanted to do it. I got satisfaction out of it. I definitely wish I hadn’t of procrastinated as much as I did or shirk my project time. I did do a good job of channeling my energy into doing things afterward though. I popped off around VR time because I really do feel like myself around my friend. I feel at home in a way. It’s one of the few times I know what I want and who I am.

#journal #diary #imposter syndrome #love

[tragicomedys]

sage, camellia, chamomile & taro

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

oh this is such an interesting question... i think all mediums of art touch me in different ways, but perhaps the most effective is film/animation because they're visual, auditory, and use storytelling as well. kind of the whole bag. i love both literary and visual forms of art so the fact that film and animation mix those two is kind of perfect. i also imagine stories in my mind played out like a show, as in, i see characters and put them through a story in my mind so i think film and shit is most similar to the way i think. i think thats also why ive always been very drawn to animations specifically, i love how they combine drawing with storytelling, and i wish there was more of a variety in animation styles and stories even tho its been better than before (THANK you spiderverse). specifically i like 2d animation more than 3d, 3d usually has an uncanniness or SOMETHING that im not into (even good ones like the bad guys and big hero six and the mitchells vs the machine), the only 3d animation ive been SUPER into has been spiderverse. whereas i think sooo much 2d animation is beautiful and emotionally effective

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

so when i was a child i was very hostile, pissy, angry. was a very temperamental child and i used to bully my twin brother for fun. so i think i changed a lot from that. i think ive become much more inhibited especially in expressing anger. but when comparing myself to me as a younger teen, i can see many similarities; i was anxious, always felt out of control, always down to meet new people and make friends, intellectualized my problems, etc. and i think i can still do all these things. the biggest change ive gone through since then is that ive overall become more and more accepting of the situation im in, and am willing to wait to become myself, which is something i was extremely upset about kind of all the time when i was younger... ive changed and gotten smarter, but honestly not all that much

chamomile ⇢ what kind of things do you like receiving as gifts?

aw this is cute! honestly i should probably make a wishlist bc i just like it when people get me what i was thinking of getting myself one day... specific makeup, shirts, merch, etc... i also like cute little thoughtful gifts somebody would want me to have, like a unique plushie, keychain, bag, whatever it may be... if the gift is practical or i will physically use it somehow thats even better. so i also like soaps and shit like that from bath n body works or whatever. i think one of my fav things would be getting merch related stuff bc i dont have much merch at all!

taro ⇢ if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about?

:] i would tell them about how i moved a year ago and what ive been up to with college lately probably. maybe some shit ive watched and some new interests. probably how ive been feeling lately if we wanted to get a bit deep. theres been a couple new things in my life recently so ive got a couple things to say...

#💌 #i love talking sooo much in asks i get<3 #hi jujuba :] i hope ur doing so well #im always down to randomly chat or stream a video together or some shit. as you probably already know my doors always open to old friends #also watching movies w ppl is way more fun than alone #mutuals #cricketsghost

[popblank]

Eurovision Semifinal 1 viewing notes:

As usual I had to work, so didn't start watching until very late on Tuesday and finished watching on Wednesday evening. My comments below:

Stage looks cool before the start of the show.

Was that Paul Hollywood?

I have odd feelings about the UK hosting Eurovision, even if it is on behalf of Ukraine. The impression I have gotten for many years is 1) that the BBC has been very limited it what it could do for its entry, even if it wanted to do better, and 2) that the general viewing public didn't take Eurovision seriously yet felt entitled to success. In the intro it felt like they were trying to convince the audience, "no really, we do care! we like the competition and want it here!"

Norway, Alessandra, "Queen of Kings" - Postcard looks good. I like the concept if not the upside-down camera work. Not sure I like the high collar on her costume. A good start.

Malta, The Busker, "Dance (Our Own Party)" - LOL at the cardboard cutouts of previous reps. Very energetic performance. Feels like Latvia from last year, but not smarmy. Still not a fan of the saxophone.

Serbia, Luke Black, "Samo Mi Se Spava" - The only problem with these postcards is that you don't have enough time to see anything. Maybe a little too whispery? I can't hear him well. Fun concept, went all in on the game thing.

Latvia, Sudden Lights, "Aijā" - Sounds just like the recorded version. They do have a lot of lights, not necessarily sudden.

I completely forgot about the Rest of the World vote. I won't be able to do the semifinals but maybe for Saturday if I figure out how to do so.

Portugal, Mimicat, "Ai Coração" - Very fun, not overly complicated staging. Good movement.

Ireland, Wild Youth, "We Are One" - Not sure I understand what they were going for with the presentation. Everything is glitter and sequins? He sings "at least you're not alone" as he reaches down to the floor to touch a disembodied hand? I guess it seems very sincere.

Croatia, Let 3, "Mama ŠČ!" - Vocally a little shaky. Visually striking, effective use of stage LEDs to fill the space. I have no idea what I'm watching.

Switzerland, Remo Forrer, "Watergun" - Vocal is good but a little tentative/quiet. Unsure if it's his singing or the sound mix. Feels like the song could use a bit more energy.

Israel, Noa Kirel, "Unicorn" - She and the backup dancers are doing everything they can but they cannot save these lyrics.

Moldova, Pasha Parfeni, "Soarele şi Luna" - It seems to be a common theme that the lead vocal is less than I am expecting. With all the dancing he does, that part of the performance is not bad but he seems a little out of breath.

Sweden, Loreen, "Tattoo" - And then Loreen does what she does and fills the arena with her voice like no one else. It's a little weird that the prop is smaller, but if it were the first time I had seen it, I probably wouldn't care.

Azerbaijan, TuralTuranX, "Tell Me More" - If I were shown this performance and had to guess the country in twenty tries, I would not be anywhere close. For that reason alone, I kind of like it.

Czechia, Vesna, "My Sister's Crown" - Singers are a little out of breath, but the performance shows the expected sound.

Netherlands, Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper, "Burning Daylight" - Trying the intimate focus on the singers that reminds me of "Calm After The Storm," and the turntable is not too bad. I think the vocals don't quite match up to the staging.

Finland, Käärijä, "Cha Cha Cha" - I think I like the song better without the visuals.

I think the only song where my opinion was changed much by the stage performance was Malta. I still don't care for the song, but they sold it well.

Lights and LEDs for "Ordinary World" looked very cool.

Results: not too surprising. I might swap one or two if I could but I am not seeing great injustices done.

#eurovision #eurovision 2023

[purplenurple777]

How of Happiness: Chapters 7-9 

Chapter seven of the text was the most valuable to me thus far. Learning about flow and all of the benefits of this practice felt like learning about the missing puzzle piece in my happiness. The feeling of flow is described by Sonya as being completely immersed in what you are doing, almost oblivious to the world around you. When in a state of flow you feel positive and productive, it is a highly rewarding state to be in. I am wary of ‘self-diagnosing’ patterns of my own behavior because I think that this could be dangerous (especially as a psych major). But while reading this chapter I was filled with a longing. I realized I hadn’t felt true flow in a while. Activities that usually stimulate my brain and cause me to experience flow have not been working for me recently and I think it may be because of negative self talk. For example, when studying for an exam I wait until the day before (obviously) when I can no longer put it off. I will glue myself to a chair and work through each of the chapters, using my notes in combination with the lecture slides to give me a complete picture of the curriculum. As nerdy as it sounds, that is usually very fun and fulfilling for me. Although during my last round of exams I could not seem to find a flow state. I was distracted and discouraged, constantly checking my phone and getting up to do other things. For me starting is the worst part, but once I have climbed the hurdle of beginning a task the doubt will usually fade and leave me with a sense of determination and optimism. Studying for my past two exams the optimism never hit, it felt as if I was in a limbo of anxiety and self deprecation. Reading this chapter gives a name to the feeling I have been pining for. It helped me to realize that I deserve to feel productive and I deserve to feel a sense of pride and achievement in my pursuit of this degree. 

“Find a happy person, and you will find a project.” 

As graduation approaches I have been doing a lot of reflecting.  Scrolling through google docs as papers, group projects, and assignments I haven’t thought about in years appear on my screen. Viewing a few I can remember the grade I was given on them, but with all I can recall where I was when I felt the works came together, the satisfaction that came with progress, and the people that I toughed them out with. This idea falls in line with Sonya’s point in Chapter eight. The pursuit of a goal, the act of participating in a challenging venture, is just as (if not more) important to well-being than its attainment. One of the benefits of goal pursuit is that it helps us to use our time more effectively, something that I often struggle with. Sonya spoke of creating smaller steps and sub-goals to help us in our pursuit of lofty objectives. This is something that I am going to implement into my everyday life. I think I am an all or nothing kind of person. What I mean by this is I am either going to do something to the best of my ability or I am not going to do it. I hate doing half-assed things. My problem is that I do not think of my goals in small attainable steps, I think of them as one big nightmare that I have to tackle at once. This usually results in intense avoidant behaviors until I physically force myself to complete them (hence the late asf blog post). It does NOT have to be this way. I look forward to mapping out my goals and breaking them into APPROPRIATELY SIZED chunks. Thank you Sonya <3. 

In Chapter nine of the text Sonya covers Happiness Activity No. 12: Taking Care of Your Body (Meditation). I was first introduced to meditation and mindfulness practices at fifteen. I went to a hippie dippie arts based high school that integrated mindfulness into their curriculum. Everyday after announcements the entire school would elapse into silence for ten minutes. During this time the students would put away their devices, turn off the lights, and sit in silent reflection. Our english teacher would lead a guided meditation that you could attend, there were coloring sheets offered for those who wanted to color, but the idea is that you were giving your mind a ten minute break. Our school's founder, Ms. Lettye did this for the same reason that Sonya stresses the importance of these practices. Countless empirical studies show the benefits of practicing mindfulness, so much so that Sonya describes meditation as a panacea, or cure all. In health psychology our curriculum teaches the increasing danger and prevalence of ‘lifestyle diseases.’ These are diseases that are associated with the way people live. These behaviors are modifiable and preventable, yet they are currently the number one killer in America. Things like smoking, diet, physical inactivity, and stress bring about a number of chronic diseases. Meditation interventions have been shown to be effective in patients with various chronic conditions such as heart disease, chronic pain, even skin disorders. Although it may be well known that meditation is capable of improving mental health, its impact on physical well being is also undeniable. I still attempt to meditate for AT LEAST ten minutes a day because I see a noticeable change in my thought patterns and behavior when I do. Meditation for the win. 

[minetteskvareninova]

Again on my Hot D bullshit, this time re: Daemon. I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings on this character, and it dawned on me that I love him, but in a very different way people usually love him. But also kinda, a little bit in the same way people usually love him. It’s complicated, okay? Basically, on the one hand, he’s a lot like Larys for me - yes, he’s horrible, of course I would loathe a person like this irl, but like... He’s not real. And on screen, he’s pretty hillarious? Daemon and Larys both are evil pieces of shit, but I wouldn’t have them any other way (except for the choking and foot fetish scene, those just suck and I hate them together with the people who wrote them). His conversation with Rhea’s cousin was great, “he can keep his tongue” simply iconic, not to mention the Crabfeeder bait thing? The Dragonstone temper tantrum??? Hell, I almost want the “heir for a day” thing to be said in the douchiest way possible, except I am not sure about its effects on his relationship with Viserys...

Which brings me to the other thing: Daemon’s relationship with the few people he actually likes and respects. And honestly, in this way, the show’s writing has been kinda dissapointing. There are kernels of something truly fascinating in every one of them that elevate Daemon above the funny evil man, but... The execution tho... - Viserys. Okay, that one was actually fine, for what it was. It could’ve been better developed, but you know. It didn’t have to. Considering the show couldn’t be Magnificent Century lenght, they gave us enough to chew on. - Rhaenyra. Hooo boy. That daemyra ship is truly something. Starts out as weird incestuous bonding over feeling underappreciated, by Viserys mostly, but also the world at large. I get the sense that he is way more into her than she is into him, but that’s just my headcannon. After all, Daemon’s main appeal is that he’s funny, and honestly what’s funnier than a thirty-something man simping over a teenage girl who has a vague crush on him, but if he doesn’t want her, she could go for her hot bodyguard too, because she doesn’t care THAT much? Anyway, he still loves after years of marriage to some other woman, while she... Well, she doesn’t. But boy does wish she did, because in hindsight he seems appealing. So when he comes back to her life just when they both suffered the loss of their significant other, they get together as naturally as two opposite poles of magnets. And they are happy! For a few years, they are genuinely happy together! But his toxic masculinity gets in the way of him supporting her emotionally when she’s at her lowest point, and he mistakenly thinks that fighting for her instead would suffice, and... Hey, what’s that? He’s still hung up on her dad, who hasn’t factored in their relationship for decades? In fact, for him, she’s the emotional substitute for her dad? And this thing, that hasn’t been alluded to and absolutely ruins an otherwise perfectly good and interesting relationship for the sake of another one that is just completely over narratively and was good as it was... This was worth giving us a scene of domestic violence against the fucking queen that goes completely unpunished (she doesn’t even so much as shout at him, what the fuck?!), that is actually kinda out-of-character and that utterly demolishes a perfectly good relationship??? OKAY, THEN. FUCK YOU TOO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. (All else aside, domestic violence just isn’t funny. I fully support all of Daemon’s atrocities, but only as long as they are funny. Going back to my Larys comparison, I had the same problem with the foot fetish scene.) - Laena. Honestly, that one was just too little too late. I have absolutely no idea why the fuck show!Daemon married her, that’s the first problem; but also even outside of that, the relationship is criminally underdeveloped. Now I could headcannon myself into oblivion, but ultimately the fault lies with the writers. They should’ve given us so much more than they did! - His kids (and stepkids). Look, I was just as hyped for daddy Daemon as anyone, but “loves his kids, but isn’t good enough in sincere emotional expression to bond with them”... Well, I can get behind that. The fact that they cut so many nicer moments of him with his children still leaves me salty. - Velaryons, Corlys and Laenor especially. Honestly, this show needed more Velaryons, period. Like, seeing Daemon with actual buddies was so nice, I wish we got more than a little sprinkle here and there around their relationship. Their reactions his marriage to Rhaenyra are not shown, the failure of Daemon’s friendship with Corlys skipped over, the fact that Daemon and Laenor have been fighting together for years and that Laenor kind of respects Daemon completely ignored... Just. Tons of absolutely fascinating character stuff thrown in the bin, because our best boys and girls don’t deserve the attention payed to Aegon the Trashy wanking. Again, fuck you.

Basically, Daemon works very well as a funny evil man with some hints of psychological issues, but I wished he as a character could be developed beyond that and he just... Wasn’t.

#house of the dragon #daemyra #daemon targaryen

[seancamerons]

I have reason to believe something is going on that is kind of weird.

I’ve been waking up early lately for the past couple of weeks. I go to bed late, and don't feel tired with or without coffee. My eyes are burning, tingling as well as my cheeks. Idk if its because I started wearing my prescription glasses 2 years ago because my eyes have been hurting for several days lately. My eyes tear all the time. I believe I could be allergic to ingredients in some mascaras, I end up looking like a racoon or have to constantly wipe away fallout and prevent my eyes from burning. I’ve been putting more effort into my appearance, make up, hair and dress. I have all these ideas buzzing around my brain, I want to make xmas cards and such but I feel weird about all of this. I’m always avoiding being depressed or trying to keep my mind upbeat but Im feeling like this, in my gut is scary and possibly a potential warning. No naps the past couple of weeks. No depression, feeling ‘good’.

I just assume everything is fine but I feel like there’s warning signs happening when I had that bad time in 2015. One of the hardest things. I had to become more self-aware. Going forward from there, I had no experiences after my hospital stay. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to have problems. I usually get depressed near the holidays, now I feel good about them and excited, which I also fear getting bad again. I take my meds. Why am I feeling like this?

But yesterday, I woke up at 3:30am after going to sleep at 930-10 pm and I have stayed awake. I got tired around 4-5:00 pm and laid down and calmed down without my phone, without my computer and simply cleaned while listening to music. I’ve been non-stop for days. Very motivated, but I also feel unproductive.

It is currently 1 in the morning, overwhelmed, overloaded, not tired at all whatsoever. I’m trying to figure out what is going on. I think I’m suffering from stress related anxiety,adhd side-effects, and it’s affecting my mood. I honestly hope I am not having a relapse of mania. I haven’t had any issues in a long time. I hope it improves and doesn’t get bad. I desperately don’t want to ruin my life again. I have been doing so good for the time being and I thought I was doing good. I’m constantly over-thinking. I constantly have to feel like being mindful of what I say in any and all situations. I take so long to respond to friends and such. I feel like I’m constantly afraid of improvisational interpersonal difficulty.

I’ve been stressed financially for a long time, at least a few years. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking the worst. Outside I’m fine but inside I’m always a walking contradiction, my mind says one thing, my heart wants another and my brain too wants something completely different sometimes. I have trouble making some decisions. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I want to find a way to combat this before it gets out of control though. I don’t even know what the first steps are to start this.

Sometimes I wish I got therapy in college because I struggled badly through those years. I was absolutely miserable and I’m a nervous wreck at my own graduation. I hate making mistakes and shit I regret a lot about that time. I struggle now because of those decisions.

When I did get help it wasn’t until recently that I started feeling weird. I can’t calm down. I feel like I want to do fifty million things at once. This is really rough and bad. I’m going to try to calm down, wind down, get off the computer and get a little bit of sleep. Am I ok?

#personal #help? #srsly don't know #i know its late and everyone on here is probably asleep

[rockturbot]

if it isn't too late, for the artist ask meme: 1, 13, 21! :D (am going insane for all your art of the old bastard trio btw, you're so powerful)

Thank you so much for your kind words!😇

1.how would you describe your style This is actually kind of hard to answer. I feel like I don't even have one consistent style because of how much my artistic goals can vary depending on what exactly I'm working on. I think the most consistent thing about my art isn't really its appearance but my techniques, so I guess I'd call my style "angular"? I build most of my sketches off of squares and triangles. My brain just doesn't seem to work as well with circles, for whatever reason!

13.how long do you usually take on a piece I can do most simple drawings in a day or two. 'Full' pieces - like, with a background or a lot of effects, that sort of stuff - normally take me around four days, sometimes five. Usually it's one day for the whole process from sketch to flat colors and maybe a few attempts at shading, then two or three days to fix everything that's not working quite yet, and then one final day of polishing and playing around with effects and filters.

21.something you would like to improve on I'd say perspective and anatomy are the two main things. Something especially annoying about both is that I feel like many of my problems with one stem from my problems with the other, making it a bit hard to actually get better at either.☠️

Also, something related to the first question. I feel like I don't have a very consistent style, but I'd actually really like to. It's not only just hard finding a style that looks fitting in both lighthearted and more dramatic contexts, it's also that I ... like almost everything in art, if that makes sense? And that makes it difficult to make decisions. I like rich colors and desaturated colors, I like realistic anatomy and more stylized anatomy, I like painterly shading and cel shading, and so on and so on. It's like every time I decide to do one thing, it means leaving out something else I really, really like. Of course I know art doesn't *have* to have a consistent look - I'd just really like mine to. :/

Ask meme

#not art