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crucifiedfaerie · 6 months

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Nicotine Stains Pt. 1 ༉₊˚✧

Modern!Kylo x Fem!Reader AU

➴ Summary: Your older brother's best friend seems to have everyone fooled. Everyone but you, that is.

➴ Part Two

➴ Word Count: 5k

➴ Warnings: 18+ MDNI, fem!reader, dom!kylo, slowburn, modern!delinquent!kylo au, virgin!reader, drug use, smoking, swearing, kylo breaking traffic laws for some pussy, kylo is a pretentious prick, why is kylo lowkey midwestern emo in this, mutual pining, finn my beloved is mentioned, some angst, fluff, SMUT (protected PiV sex, again reader is a virgin, fingering, a little scratching, slow n gentle sex, softdom!kylo, consent king !!, praise kink, pet names), typos probably

➴ Taglist: ( @enviedear @capitanostella @teapartydreams )

A/N: this may or may not be the most pretentious thing ive ever written but idc. also i want to give a special thank you and shout out to my beautiful mutual liv @enviedear for this idea! she totally helped me flesh out the modern!delinquent!kylo character and this fic would not exist without her. <;3 (also reader is NOT me bc if kylo ren played slipknot for me in his 1969 charger i'd fold immediately)

You sat at your desk, studying for your upcoming midterms and nervously chewing on the inside of your mouth. Mathematics had never been your strong suit and despite only being a month and a half into the semester, your calculus class was stressing you out to no end. The rhythmic ticking of your clock was not helping in the slightest, so you reached for your headphones.

This class is taking years off of my life for sure.

As you looked for a good playlist, you heard your bedroom window open behind you. You yelped, turning in your chair to face your window. Your panic died when you realized it was only Kylo, your older brother's friend.

Once he was finally inside, he shut your window before standing up straight. Kylo was probably the tallest person you knew, almost touching the low ceiling of your bedroom. You couldn't deny how your stomach did flips when you were stood next to him, not to mention he was absolutely fucking beautiful. Kylo's features looked like they were carved from marble and his long, dark hair always fell perfectly around his face. If he weren't so goddamn annoying, you'd like him a lot more.

You groaned. "When are you gonna stop coming in through my window you asshole?"

"It isn't my fault your window is the most accessible and the lock is broken." He smirked.

Your eyes narrowed as you glared at him. "The least you could do is knock, what if I like... had a guy over or something?"

Kylo laughed, walking over to you. He turned you in your desk chair to face your computer and pushed it in, before leaning down over your shoulder to look at your screen. "I think we both know that doesn't happen, kid." He jabbed before making his way to your door.

Your face felt hot, his audacity never failed to make you seethe. And his choice of nickname for you only made you madder. You turned to glare at him. "You fucker- I- you're only like 3 years older than me!??"

You heard him laugh as he walked out of your room and down the hallway.

What made it worse was that it seemed he had everyone in your family fooled. Kylo acted like an absolute angel in front of your mother, and it pissed you off to no end. When he would come over for dinner, he always insisted on helping her with the dishes. He would make conversation with her, crack jokes, go the whole nine yards as if he weren't a college dropout and also doing drugs with her son on the side.

Your mom, being the stereotypical Christian, midwestern mother that she is, would always say things along the lines of "Oh Kylo, you're such a sweet boy. It amazes me that someone like you listens to such angry music." He would just blush and laugh it off.

Kylo drove a black 1969 Dodge Charger R/T that he would pull up to your house in, blasting the loudest possible music. Your dad loved him, and they would always talk cars when they got the chance. The first time you came home and saw your dad helping Kylo change his oil, you thought you had died and gone to hell. You just stared as Kylo smirked at you. That stupid, evil smirk you were so used to seeing.

They can't possibly be serious?? How do they not see how much of a jerk he is?

You however, he was much different with. Any chance Kylo got to annoy you, he would do it. He frequently stood outside your door for god knows how long, just waiting for you to come out so he could scare you. You would jump and yell expletives at him before weakly punching him in the shoulder. He and your brother would just laugh, thinking it was funniest thing in the world.

You sighed, staring at your computer screen. You were over studying for the night. You shut your door, before turning off the light and getting into bed. You tried to sleep, but couldn't. The stress of college was slowly suffocating you but despite that, you couldn't seem to get Kylo out of your head.

Sure, you have had a slight crush on him since you were in middle school, I mean who wouldn't? Look at him. But it didn't mean anything, the feeling was almost certainly not mutual and he was still the biggest asshole you'd ever met.

God I fucking hate him... I mean I don't, but I do.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a light tapping at your door. Your brow furrowed. "Yeah?"

Kylo opened your door slowly, making sure it didn't creak as he closed it behind him. "What are you still doing awake, its 3am. Don't you have classes tomorrow?" He whispered, fumbling with your window.

You rolled your eyes, still staring at the ceiling. "Yeah. What do you care?"

He smirked slightly, swinging one leg out the window before looking at you. "Finn asked me to pick you up tomorrow. What time are you off?"

Fucking fantastic.

"Oh, great." You said sarcastically. "2:30pm. The math and science building."

He ducked through the open window, and stuck his head back inside your room to look at you. "See you at 2:30 then." He smirked, before exiting again and shutting your window, leaving you in the dark.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

The following afternoon, you sat in your calculus class zoning out and unable to keep your mind off Kylo. You would never admit it, not even to yourself, but you were definitely daydreaming. You were thinking about how soft his hair always looks and how it might feel to run your fingers through it.

You didn't realize your professor had called on you until he said your name for a second time, repeating his question. You sat up straight before looking down, your eyes scanning your paper. "Oh um- the answer is... x equals three fourths." Your face felt warm.

"That's correct. Lets try to be more focused, though." Your professor sighed, before continuing his lecture. You nodded quickly, looking down at your paper.

As you walked to the parking lot, your palms felt sweaty. You'd been in Kylo's car only a couple times before and it was a long time ago. The recent nagging thoughts you had been having about him didn't quell your nervousness either. You spotted his car quickly, and made your way to the passenger side.

When you opened the door, his music blared so loud, you thought his speakers might blow out. You sat your bag on the floor of his car before getting in and shutting the door.

Kylo was smirking when you turned to glare at him. You reached over and turned the dial down halfway and he laughed.

"Too loud for you princess?" He said sarcastically, leaning over to look behind him as he backed out of the parking lot.

You rolled your eyes and buckled your seatbelt, smoothing out your skirt with your hands. "Too loud for most people. Can I play something?"

Kylo scoffed, that stupid smirk still on his face. "Fuck no, you can't play your music in my car."

"Whatever." You crossed your arms, staring straight ahead.

After a few minutes of silence, Kylo finally spoke. "Have you heard of Slipknot?" He asked, nodding his head towards the radio and tapping his long fingers on the steering wheel to the music.

You scoffed, turning your head to face him. "Yes I've heard of Slipknot, you loser... It's just not really my thing. Kind of scary sounding... its just screaming mostly."

He laughed loudly at your last comment. "Scary? Aw, now that's cute. I bet you listen to Lana Del Rey or some shit like that." Kylo said sarcastically, putting a cigarette between his lips and lighting it. He took a drag from it before offering it to you.

You rolled your eyes at him before taking it. Your fingers brushed against his, sending a shiver down your spine. You took a drag off of it before speaking. "Lana Del Rey makes really good music." Despite facing the window, you felt his eyes on you the whole time.

"Oh so I was right?" He grinned, staring at the road now. "I just said the first girly thing that came to mind... And when did you start smoking? I'm gonna tell your mom." He laughed.

You attempted to hide the smile that played at the corners of your mouth. "I'll be sure to tell her you supplied me with them... and yeah I like Lana. She sings about real shit." You took another drag from the cigarette, blowing the smoke out of the window.

Kylo scoffed at you again, motioning to the radio. "And you don't think bands like this do?... This song is called Metabolic, its about the lead singer's absent father and how he fears he will become just like him. They sing about real shit too, it isn't just screaming."

You shrugged, taking another hit before handing the cigarette back to him as he pulled into your driveway. "I never said they didn't, I'm just not super into this type of music."

He glared at you as you grabbed your bag, cigarette dangling from his mouth. You got out of his car, and shut the door behind you. "Thanks for the ride, Kylo" You said through gritted teeth.

I can't believe I'm telling this man thank you.

"No problem." He looked like he wanted to say something else but he stopped himself.

You nodded, before heading to your door. You noticed that he had watched you and waited for you to get inside your house before pulling away.

"How nice of Kylo for driving you home. What a sweet boy." Your mom smiled as you came through the door. "I wish he wouldn't smoke though, you smell like cigarettes."

"Yeah, he's cool." You sigh as you walk up the stairs, making your way to your room before shutting your bedroom door behind you.

You sit at your desk and open your laptop to get started on some homework. Before you start, you grab your headphones and open your phone, deciding to give Kylo's music taste another try. As you do your calculus homework, you find yourself tapping your foot to the music.

The following day, you waited outside for Finn to pick you up from class. You had waited 30 minutes before deciding to call him and he didn't pick up a single one of your several calls.

That fucker. He just left me here.

You huffed before opening your phone again in defeat, pressing on Kylo's contact.

"Yeah?" He sounded like had been sleeping. Your face felt hot from just the sound of his voice.

"I um- Finn left me here and I uh... don't have anyone to pick me up... Can you please come get me?" It felt so foreign asking Kylo for literally anything.

"Yeah I'll be there in fifteen minutes." He said. You noticed that he sounded much more alert, and you heard him shuffling in the background.

"Okay thanks... Uh- bye." You hung up, sitting down on the curb.

It wasn't even seven minutes before Kylo turned into the parking lot and pulled up next to you.

You opened the door, throwing your bag on the floor and getting in. "Jesus Christ, man?? How many traffic laws did you break getting here?" You smirked as you buckled your seatbelt.

Kylo laughed. "If you drove, and owned a car like this, you'd speed too." You couldn't help but notice the light pink that spread across his cheeks at your comment.

He handed you your own cigarette this time, and you placed it in your mouth. You went to reach for the lighter but he beat you to it.

"Allow me." Kylo said before raising the flame up to the end of your cigarette. You inhale, watching it ignite. You caught his gaze for a moment and felt the butterflies return, quickly averting your eyes and taking the cigarette between your fingers to turn and exhale out of his window. Kylo cleared his throat and looked ahead before lighting his own and pulling away.

You both listened to his music in silence for a few minutes. As you fidgeted with the hem of your skirt, you recognized the song playing and began to mouth the lyrics.

I am my father's son 'cause he's a phantom, a mystery, and that leaves me nothing.

How many times have you wanted to die?

It's too late for me, all you have to do is get rid of me.

You can't see California without Marlon Brando's eyes.

Kylo's eyes darted over to you a few times, and he laughed. "There is no way- are you fucking singing along to Slipknot right now?! I thought this shit scared you, kid?" The look on his face was filled with shock and amusement.

"It's a catchy song. I don't know... Stop calling me that asshole!" You could feel the deep blush creeping across your face.

"No, No." He wasn't letting this go. "I didn't play this CD in the car yesterday, did you seriously go home and listen to it?" Between that and how embarrassed you looked from him pointing it out, Kylo could not contain the smile of pure amusement on his face.

"I don't know- Maybe." You looked out of the window, not facing him. You wanted nothing more than to die in that moment.

He was loving this too much. "Fucking obsessed with me, aren't ya? Listening to my songs and shit." Kylo teased.

You turned to glare at him. "I- No! Shut the fuck up." You gripped the fabric of your skirt and took a final drag of your cigarette before tossing it out of the window.

He laughed, shaking his head as he pulled into the driveway. "I'm only fucking with you."

"That's all you ever seem to do. Thanks for the ride I guess." You muttered as you got out of his car, slamming the door before walking to your house. As you walked away, you caught a glimpse of the look of disappointment and guilt on Kylo's face.

Fucking asshole. So unbelievable.

Kylo stayed in your driveway for a minute, debating on whether he should knock on your door to say something to you, but he ultimately decided against it and drove away.

That night, you laid in bed staring at your ceiling once again, head filled with thoughts of that stupid fucking beautiful asshole.

I don't understand him. He does nice shit for me sometimes, but then all he does is make fun of me?

And even after all of that, all you could think about was that stupid cigarette dangling from his lips and how hot he looked. Your mind wandered to how Kylo would lean closer to you, his hand resting on the back of your headrest while reversing. How he nodded his head and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel to the music. How close his face was to yours when he insisted on lighting your cigarette for you.

God! I'm such an idiot. I cant stand him or myself for that matter.

You heard a few taps on your window and your brow furrowed. You rolled out of bed, walking to your window before opening it. You were met with Kylo's dark eyes staring back at you.

Your eyes narrowed at him. "What a gentleman, thank you for knocking this time..." You said sardonically. "But Finn is asleep I think."

"Had to make sure you didn't have a guy over." He teased. "But I'm not here for him... you wanna smoke?" He grinned at you, holding up a neatly rolled joint.

You laughed nervously. "I've never smoked weed before Kylo, I don't know..."

"Of course you haven't... It'll be fine, I'm not asking you to smoke the whole goddamn thing." He smirked, offering his hand for you to take.

You sighed before taking Kylo's hand and ducking out of your window. The cold, October air sent goosebumps across your exposed arms and legs. He led you to a flat part of your roof and the both of you sat down together.

You watched as he placed the joint in his mouth and lit it, taking a couple hits before handing it to you.

You inhaled, noticing how it burned a little more than a cigarette does. You coughed slightly, which caused Kylo to chuckle, and you glared at him as you handed the joint back to him.

"I'm sorry if I made you mad earlier." He smirked, taking another hit.

You scoffed. "You just fuck with me too much. You always have."

Kylo sighed. "I only do it because your reactions are so fun... I didn't think about how it might make you feel." He paused. "And besides, I think its cute that you listened to my music all on your own, for the fun of it."

You blushed, hoping that the darkness would conceal the pink creeping across your face. "It's fine. I'm so used to your games by now." You laughed, shivering slightly.

Kylo placed the joint between his lips before slipping his dark jacket off and draping it around your shoulders. It felt so warm and was about three sizes too big for you. You laughed nervously, looking down. "Thank you."

He nodded, gazing down at you as he handed you the joint.

As the two of you sat in silence for a minute, the weed had already begun to take its toll on you. Everything seemed funny to you and as you looked up at the stars, you laughed softly at nothing.

Kylo smiled at you. "What's so funny, kid? Already high from two baby hits?" He teased. "This isn't even my strongest shit."

"You're such an idiot." You laughed at him, shaking your head.

The next hour was spent laughing about anything and everything. The two of you made fun of your brother, talked about college and how both of you agree calculus fucking sucks, and the two of you shared some other artists you liked with each other.

"I can't believe I clocked you so easily with Lana fucking Del Rey. I honest to god said that as a joke." Kylo laughed.

"Hey, she makes good music. Please let me make you listen to her the next time we're in the car, please." You playfully begged.

He sighed, feigning defeat. "Fine but only like two songs max... so you better make them good." Kylo smirked as he flicked the roach off the roof.

You weren't sure if it was the weed in your system, but something was giving you a slight newfound confidence to speak more freely. You sighed. "You're always spot on about me though... I am kind of lame. I always had this idea in my head that you and Finn were the ones who were losers... but in reality I am."

Kylo looked at you, puzzled. "I never thought you were a loser... I poke fun at you, sure, but I admire your intelligence... and how introverted you always are." He laughed, playfully pushing your shoulder.

You laughed nervously. "No, I mean... I don't go out and do anything fun the way you do. I don't loosen up, I don't hang out with people, I definitely never have guys over..." You laughed again, trailing off. "I mean my god I've never even kissed anyone."

He stared at you, his eyes scanning your face as if he were debating something. "You've got to be fucking with me right now. A pretty thing like you has surely got to have boys lined up and down the street."

You laughed at his comment, blushing. "If they are, I surely don't pay attention. No one talks to me at school." You stared at your lap, fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket.

You felt his cold fingertips touch your jaw, lifting your chin to look up at him. Before you could say anything, Kylo leaned in quickly and kissed you. You felt like a live wire, as if lightning bolts were shooting through your entire body. His kiss was urgent, yet gentle, and he held your face in his hands so tenderly.

When he pulled away, his eyes met yours and you both smiled nervously at each other. You noticed him shiver slightly. "Do you wanna... maybe go inside? It's warmer in there." You said shyly.

Kylo smirked at you. "Are you inviting a guy into your room right now?" He teased before standing up and taking your hand.

You giggled, following him. "Shut up."

He chuckled softly and when you got to the window, he went first. He ducked inside, pulling you with him which caused you both to practically fall through your window. You landed on top of him, your hushed giggles only silenced once he kissed you again.

"Shhh are you trying to wake your parents?" Kylo smirked up at you for a moment, taking in the sight of you on top of him on your bedroom floor, the moonlight from the window behind you illuminating you in a halo-like glow. He grabbed your waist and gently rolled you off of him, before you both stood up.

His large, strong hands pulled you by the waist closer to him, and he had to lean down to kiss you. His kiss was full of need this time, you felt his tongue glide along your bottom lip, asking for entry and you obliged, parting your lips. You moaned against his mouth and you felt the smirk that played at his lips.

Kylo took a few steps forward, pushing you gently backwards until the backs of your knees hit your soft bed. He pulled away for a moment to take his jacket off of you and throw it to the floor, before pushing you flat onto your bed.

"I-I've never... um." You stumbled over your words, feeling your face get hot as your eyes darted up to your ceiling.

Kylo leaned over you, his palms flat on the mattress on either side of your head. "I just stole your first kiss a couple minutes ago, you don't think I know that?" He smirked down at you before tilting his head slightly, leaning closer to trail kisses down your neck. "Do you not want to? I can stop whenever you want, all you need to do is say so." He whispered between kisses, trailing his hand down your body and stopping just above your clothed cunt.

The sensation made the heat in your core grow. "N-no. Don't stop Kylo." You whined.

He smiled, before standing straight up again and looking down at you. He looped his fingers under the waistband of your shorts and underwear, pulling them off slowly. "Look at you sweet thing, I've barely touched you and you're already a fucking mess." He teased, causing you to whimper.

Kylo chuckled softly, separating your knees and ghosting his hand down your thigh, stopping at your heat. He ran two long fingers through your slit, collecting your wetness on them before rubbing light circles over your clit. You gasped at the contact, bucking your hips instinctively against his hand. "Needy little thing, aren't you?" He smirked, using his other hand to hold your waist down before pushing his fingers inside slowly.

You whined at the feeling of his long fingers stretching you out, your much smaller hands were nothing compared to his. After giving you a moment to adjust, Kylo began to slowly pump his fingers in and out of your cunt, curling them upwards to draw sweet, soft moans from you.

"K-Kylo..." You breathed.

He smirked, amused by how quickly you were coming undone at his hand. "What is it, pretty girl?"

You whined at the sweet name he gave you, stuttering over your words once again. "You're g-gonna make me c-cum."

Kylo laughed softly, he had already gathered that from the noises you were making. "Oh, yeah?" He smirked at you, not faltering once with the steady pace he had created with his fingers.

"P-please. Please I want you to..." You trailed off, lost in the pleasure he was giving you.

"Please what? I'm not gonna do anything else unless you ask for it. Go ahead... Say it, say it." He was having way too much fun with you.

"Please Kylo..." You begged him. "Please I- I want you t-to fuck me."

He grinned at you and stood up, removing his fingers from your cunt, before licking them clean. You tasted divine to him, and he made a mental note that he needed to taste the source at some point. Maybe another night.

You whined at the sudden feeling of emptiness and watched as he pulled a condom from his wallet, putting it between his lips before working to undo his belt. He made quick work of his clothes, saving his boxers for last and sliding them off, his cock springing upwards.

You didn't realize your mouth was open until Kylo looked over at you and saw you staring at him. He laughed, tearing the condom wrapper open with his teeth. "I'll go slow, don't worry." You watched as he slid the condom down to the base of his cock, before making his way over to you on the bed.

He made you sit up a bit so he could pull your shirt over your head, before kissing you, trailing down your neck and chest, leaving a few light red marks along the way. You whimpered at the sensation, not caring that you'd have to conceal them in the morning.

Kylo pulled away, admiring his work and settling himself between your legs, lining his cock up with your entrance. "Ready?" He moved a piece of hair from your eyes, smirking down at you.

You wrapped your arms around him, nodding your head. He groaned as he slowly pushed his cock inside you, taking extra care not to hurt you and watching as your face contorted from the feeling of his cock splitting you open. Your nails dug into his back as you whined.

After allowing you a moment to adjust to his size, Kylo began to move slowly, creating a gentle yet deep pace and hitting that bundle of nerves inside you with each thrust. It felt like heaven and you attempted to stifle your moans, failing miserably. "Shhh pretty girl, don't wake up the entire house now." He put his hand over your mouth lightly, smiling down at you.

You moaned against Kylo's hand as he began to pick up his pace slightly. He removed his hand to kiss you, his tongue winning dominance over the inside of your mouth.

Kylo pulled away to admire you, his thrusts were still gentle, but he was unrelenting on that sensitive spot, hitting it with each snap of his hips.

"Ky-kylo... m'gonna c-cum... feels so good." You whined, unable to form a coherent sentence.

"Yeah?" He moaned slightly, out of breath and nearing his own climax. "Go ahead, cum on my cock."

Your vision went blurry as you came undone beneath him, the tight coil in your abdomen bursting into fireworks of endless pleasure.

"Just like that, pretty girl. You're doing so good, Fuck." Kylo whispered in your ear, easing you through your orgasm as his hand rested over your mouth to muffle your moans.

After a few more thrusts he came to a halt with a groan, burying himself deep inside of you as he came. "Fuck- shit! You feel so fucking good." He hissed.

As Kylo came down from his high, he breathed heavily, smiling down at you before kissing you again. He pulled away, pulling out of you. You whined, which caused him to chuckle slightly. You watched as he took the condom off, throwing it in the trash before slipping his boxers back on, and retrieving his band t-shirt and your underwear from the floor.

He sat back on the bed and gently dressed you, his shirt hanging off of your much smaller frame. "You look so pretty in my clothes." He smirked at you, pulling your covers over the two of you before taking you into his arms.

You rested your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat flutter. "Thank you." You whispered softly.

Kylo chuckled. "For what, pretty girl?" He played with your hair.

"For making my first time memorable. It was really, really good..." You trailed off sleepily.

You heard his heartbeat falter at your comment and you smiled. He ran his fingers through your hair. "You don't have to thank me for that, I've wanted to do this for a while now." Kylo waited for an answer but it never came. He sighed, smiling as he realized you had fallen asleep on him. This was a feeling he could get used to.

The following morning, you two were awoken by the sound of your mother knocking on your bedroom door. Kylo was immediately alert, scrambling out of bed and grabbing his remaining clothes before ducking under your bed as you silently laughed at him.

"Yeah?" You called out to your mother.

She entered, looking around your room. "I'm going to the grocery store, do you want anything... where did you get that shirt." She stared at the Slipknot t-shirt you were wearing that was three sizes too big for you.

You looked down at yourself, before looking back at her. "I'm doing laundry right now and Kylo left it in Finn's room a long time ago." You lied through your teeth. "And no, I don't want anything."

"Hm, okay... And close that window, the heat is on and its freezing in here!" She motioned to your open window before leaving, shutting the door behind her.

You fell back onto your pillow, shutting your eyes and smiling at the sound of Kylo's laughter beneath you.

#kylo ren #ben solo #star wars #kylo ren x reader #ben solo x reader #star wars x reader #kylo ren fanfic #ben solo fanfic #starwars fanfic #star wars sequel trilogy #the force awakens #the last jedi #the rise of skywalker #crucifiedfaerie #saint writes !#modern!kylo au

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imabeautifulbutterfly · 25 days

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STAR WARS FIC ROULETTE

HELLO LOVELIES,

Okay as promised here is the thank you fic for all of you. First off, thank you to everyone who sent in a request, to everyone who read each fic, who commented, reblogged, and started following me.

I can't say this enough, I love you all sooo much! The overwhelming response I received from this celebration was amazing and absolutely beautiful.

Thank you all for being so amazing.

Special thanks to @firstofficerwiggles for being my amazing sounding board and beta reader.

Also the fic got away from me ending at 2500 plus words.

Love oo,

One More Chance

Warnings: Angst, fluff, hurt, fear, dancing, arguments, misunderstandings, kissing, not ready for next step, cooking, alcohol, apologies, confessions, second chance, modern au!, I think that's it. If I miss anything please let me know.

Italics - Flashback

Main Master List | Star Wars Fic Roulette

Howzer couldn’t stop smiling as he busied himself in the kitchen. Truthfully, he never thought he’d get another chance with you, yet here he was making you dinner. He glanced at the clock on the stove, you’d be arriving shortly, and he wasn’t about to mess this up with you. Not again.

He danced in the kitchen to some of your favourite songs he had playing in the background. He was getting a little carried away, when he heard you knocking on the door. You were earlier than expected, but that didn’t matter. He was just grateful you showed up.

“Hey” his smile couldn’t possibly reach any wider as he looked at you.

“Hey, can I come in?” You giggled as he stood there watching you.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry” he moved out of the way inviting you in.

It was just like old times, he felt his heart flutter as he took your coat hanging it up in the foyer closet. He couldn’t believe you were here, he stood there watching as you walked throughout his condo, like you’d done a million times before.

“You got rid of the couch I hated.” Your eyes focused on the blue couch that was ten times better than the old green one that was duct taped together, stuffing falling out of it; along with the cushions that sunk in, spraining your back on more than one occasion.

“Yeah, it … it pissed me off every time I looked at it, after we … “

Howzer stood there glaring at you, “What did you say?”

“I said you’re a coward!”

“I.. I’m a coward!” He slammed his hand against his chest, hurting himself more than actually making the point.

“Well aren’t you!” You raised your hands, “You’re afraid of commitment, of change, I mean look at this couch!” You stood from it pointing to it, “This belonged to your parents! There’s nothing left! If you don’t want to get rid of it for sentimental reasons, then fine. Hire an upholster, get them to fix it!”

“Now you’re complaining about the couch?”

“Now! Now! When have I not complained about this?” You waved your hands in front of your face, letting out a breath, “That’s beside the point. The point is you don’t want me to move in!”

“That’s not true!”

“No! You freaked out because I left a toothbrush! A freaking toothbrush! I thought this was supposed to be going somewhere! Isn’t that what you said when we started this!”

Howzer ran his hands through his hair, “I know what I said!”

“Then! What is the problem!”

“I don’t want you here!” He covered his mouth as soon as the words fell out of his mouth.

Tears welled up in your eyes, as you looked at him, “What?” Your voice trembled as you looked at him.

“No. That’s not …”

“You don’t want me here?”

“No, of course I do. It’s just … I’m … I’m not ready …”

You shook your head as you wiped your tears, grabbing your bag and jacket, “I can’t talk to you right now.”

“No, please! Don’t go. Stay.”

“No. Because if I stay I’m going to say something I’ll regret. I need space, excuse me.” You stormed out that night, not looking back.

It was a few days later when the two of you actually broke up, but it all started on that stupid couch. If he held back his tongue about your toothbrush, if he had been more honest about his feelings and realizing he wasn’t ready.

“Well anyway …” he walked into the living room, as he saw you sit in your favourite armchair, “Can I get you anything? I have white wine, chilled, your favourite brand.” He offered, happy to have you back here sitting in your chair, after it had been vacant for almost a year and a half.

A year and a half without you in his arms, without the scent of your shampoo and conditioner on his pillow, without your laughter filling his home. He still saw you on base, and when you did your training runs, after all you were still a part of his squad, but not to have you here. Not to see your slippers at the entrance, the ones you’d change into as you stepped in. Enough was enough, he couldn’t do without you. It took him too long to realize, but now he knew what it was like to be without and he didn’t want to do it again.

You couldn’t help smirk as you looked at him, “That sounds lovely. I’ll pour myself a glass, it smells like you’re cooking something delicious.”

You stood admiring his outfit, the way his blue teal dress shirt hugged his shoulders and tapered into his waist. Safely tucked into his light grey dress pants that hugged his rear and thighs. The only thought that popped into your head as he walked off, was that those pants were doing God’s work.

You cleared your throat and shook your head, focusing on the fact you needed to make sure he had changed like he claimed before you let your heart fall back into the quicksand that was Howzer.

He always had this way of just encompassing your every breath and thought, and if you let your guard down for even a minute, you would fall headlong into that quicksand that was so warm and comforting, but full of traps and danger.

You allowed yourself to take a breath, before following him to the kitchen; as soon as you saw the white wine sitting in the ice bucket, you couldn’t help but smile at all the effort he was making.

“You’re really pulling out all the stops huh?” You giggled as you poured a glass.

“Well, I figured this was my last chance and I didn’t want to mess it up. I want to show you that I have changed. I want you to see that I’m ready for this, for us.”

You subtly bit your lower lip, before taking a sip as you watched him cook, you didn’t respond to his statement, just letting it sink in as you played the words over in his head.

“What are you cooking, anyway?” You sidled up to his side as you looked over his shoulder.

He smirked as he turned around to look at you, “Here, give this a try and tell me what you think?” He held a spoon out to you, with some red liquid.

Your mouth watered as soon as you saw the red liquid, it couldn’t be what you thought. There was no way he’d learn to make chicken cacciatore for you, after all he said the only thing he ever needed to learn to make was chilli; however, as soon as your mouth tasted the tomato, basil, oregano, and pepper, you already knew.

“You… you learned to cook my favourite meal?”

“Don’t act so surprised. You really thought I wouldn’t remember what you like? Please, give me a little credit.”

“Well, someone's cranky today.” You giggled, as your smile grew wider.

Howzer laughed as he tilted his head at you, “I’m not cranky. I … I just want you to know…” he turned to look at you face on, “how sorry I am for being an idiot, before.”

You leaned in smiling as you looked at him, “I appreciate that, but it wasn’t just you being an idiot. I was being an idiot too.” There was a look of shock on his face, “I should’ve been more understanding and patient with you. I mean this was your first real relationship, and even though things were going slower than I wanted it wasn’t fair of me to push you to make decisions when you weren’t ready.”

There was a soft smile on his lips, as he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you in, “I want this to work this time. I know I screwed up last time. I wasn’t ready for the commitment of what it actually meant for us to be together, and I know I handled the idea of us living together poorly.”

“It wasn’t just you. We both handled the idea of us living together poorly, well it was more like a natural disaster.”

“Okay, fair point,” he nodded, smirking. “Anyway, I just want to say that I’m ready to commit. I’m ready for anything and everything life is willing to throw at us.”

You let out a sigh as you wrapped your arms around his neck, “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel forced or pushed into something just because I said so. I want you to be able to express what you’re feeling, to be better at opening up to me. Let me know what you’re feeling here…” you placed your hand on his heart, “that’s all I want.”

“I know, cyare. I know. And yes, I’m sure. I’ve been sure, since the moment you walked out that door. I know it seems when we’re together, we never seem to get it right the first time, after all let’s face it, it took us forever to just be friends and then to become something more, and then when I lost you …” he shook his head as he pressed his forehead against your, “But, I need you in my life, cyare. I want you in my life, forever.”

You chuckled as you listened, “You do have a point. We really never got it right the first time, do you remember that night you and I actually had our first heart-to-heart conversation after I joined your unit? We were in that god-forsaken jungle, everyone was asleep, but the two of us, you decided to keep me company, while I sat for the first watch?”

“Well, can you blame me? After all the beautiful and gorgeous new medic was sitting all alone, I had to keep you company. It was my duty as Captain.”

“Ohhh!” You giggled, holding him closer, “Is that’s what that was! Here, I thought you were being a gentleman and wanting to get to know me, as the new medic.”

“Well there was that too.” He chuckled, pressing a kiss to your cheek, “But yeah I remember that night, I also remember how I screwed up the first time we had a real conversation too…

“So what unit were you with before?” He asked, keeping his voice down, doing his best to keep watch with you.

“212th, I was under Commander Cody’s jurisdiction. He was an amazing Commander to work for, I really miss them.”

“Sounds like you were really close, why leave?”

“I wanted to do more. The medic I trained under was still part of the 212th and the lead medic. I wanted to be more on the front lines. Do something more with my skills.”

“I see.” He nodded, smirking, “In other words, you became involved with someone and it erupted like Krakatoa, causing death and destruction in your wake?”

You turned to look at him, “Excuse me?”

“What? Am I wrong?”

“Wow. Just … wow.” Your expression was one of shock and disbelief, “Two seconds. That’s all it took, just two seconds and you already imagine first that I’m some drama queen looking to cause issues within my own unit. And secondly, that I simply can’t draw a line between professional and personal when I have an issue with someone in the same unit. Really?”

“Hey, it’s a natural assumption.” He shrugged, keeping his eyes on the jungle in front of them.

“Oh really? Explain to me how that’s a natural assumption?”

“Well, I mean you’re … you know …”

“No. I don’t know. Explain it to me.” You practically bowled out your last sentence as you glared at him, clenching your jaw. It was in that moment Howzer realized when his eyes locked with yours, how big he screwed up.

You both sit on the couch after dinner, enjoying the feel of the comfy couch, “You know this is a really nice couch.”

He couldn’t help smiling as you revelled in it, “It is. I must’ve sat on at least fifty before I found this one. I wanted to make sure it was a couch you’d be proud of.”

“I am, you did a very nice job.”

As his eyes scan your face, there is one thought that keeps coming back to haunt him. “Cyare, I have to ask, why are you giving me another chance? I mean I really don’t deserve one. I know that better than anyone else.”

You rest your head against the couch as you lean against him, your head resting on his shoulder, “Do you remember, when we were actually starting to become friends after that disastrous start?”

“Yeah”

“I was frustrated, because I got reamed out by the lead medic on base, when I told her that sometimes I needed to improvise on the field so I brought my own stuff that hadn’t been sanctioned by her.”

“Oh yeah, I remember. She had a huge power trip over controlling everyone. Thank goodness she’s not there anymore.

“You sat with me, when you found me upset, and got me laughing. You told me that I should keep doing what I need to do, to save lives. Who cares about protocols or sanctions? What matters is the lives we save. The lives I save. Then you told me, as long as she didn’t know, what was the harm? You stood by me, because you knew that what upset me more wasn’t being reamed out, it was the fact that people’s lives could be in danger.”

“I remember” Howzer gently played with your ear, something he loved doing. It was an odd thing, but he really thought your ears were pretty, “I think I also said something along the lines of ‘Do as I say and not as I do. For real, though. You don't want to do what I do. I don't want to do what I do.’ It made you laugh, and in that moment, hearing you laugh, being the one that made you laugh, I realized I wanted to do that for you always.”

You closed your eyes and leaned into his hand, “I hated not waking up next to you. I hated not being able to see you as often as I wanted or kiss you when I wanted. I …” tears welled up in your eyes as you looked at him, “I hated being apart from you. I don’t ever want to be apart from you, ever again.”

Howzer leaned forward, glancing from your eyes to your lips, “I don’t want to be apart from you either,” his other hand came up and gently stroked your cheek, “I love you, cyare. I’m not afraid anymore, I want all of it with you.”

You closed your eyes and pulled him closer, as he rested his forehead against yours, “I love you too. I mean after all you’re the great ‘Captain Howzer’.” You giggled and teased him, “I’m kidding. I love you, because you’re you. Thank you, for making the effort to change. I promise I’ll make an effort to keep changing as well.”

“You don’t have to change, cyare. Just allow me to love you and stay by your side.”

“Forever” as soon as the word came out of your mouth Howzer pressed his lips to yours and kissed you deeply, passionately, and with a longing that he never even realized he had.

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