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lushbarb · 1 year

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y/n & j | hurt.

6 months postpartum

- the day -

It was about 6 PM when he came home and I told him I needed to speak with him.

Are you okay?” He asked me.

“Yes” I tell him, knowing I’m not. My stomach is turning, my face is hot and I don’t know how to tell my husband that I know he is having an affair and I am about to leave him.

I don’t want to. At all. I love this man with everything in me. We have been through different stages of life together, watched each-other become parents, started our careers, and there’s not a day since we met that we’ve spent apart. He’s my world. My child’s father. My best friend and I can’t remember life without him. How can I leave him?

But also, how could he step out on me? On us? How could he look another woman in the eye knowing it’s not me and tell her things that only he should tell me and treat her a way he should only treat me. He made a commitment for the rest of his life to me, to us.

I can’t even think about looking at another man, let alone sleeping with one. The thought of hurting my husband makes me want to throw up.

My thoughts are interrupted by our son waking up so I bury my feelings and my thoughts because I have to be okay, I can’t let my kid see me not okay, isn’t that what being a mother is all about?

We sit on the couch and I ask my husband to join me.

My face is so hot and my stomach is doing backflips and I just want to cry looking at this man. I love him so much, how could he do this to me? But do I even want to know?

“Did you cheat on me?” I just flat out say it. What’s the point of wasting time? If I look at him any longer I’ll keep remembering how much I love him and then I’ll just give in, I know I will.

He looked shocked that I just asked like that, then he stared at me in my eyes for about 1 minute and immediately put his head down.

My heart sank. I let out a small sigh, looked down at my kid and there was the tears. I knew. He told me all I needed to know without saying a single wrong.

I had so much I wanted to say but did he deserve for me to say anything? 10 years of marriage so I felt that I deserved to speak and I needed an explanation but I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I didn’t want to think about my husband with another woman. Kissing, touching, being intimate with another woman that’s not me, his wife.

My eyes felt so low but I still looked up at him. He locked eyes with me and suddenly I saw a different person, I didn’t know him.

“I love you” he said to me, his voice choking up.

Why does it hurt me to see him hurting and upset? But I don’t know why, He hurt me. He betrayed me.

“I have so much to say and even though I don’t think I should be doing the talking, I also don’t want to hear you explain it to me because that will hurt me even more” I say. I wanted to ask you do you love me? Did our family mean anything to you? How could you ever look at someone the way you are only supposed to look at me and then come home to me? I wanted to ask that but I know you will tell me that you love me, our family means everything to you and that the affair was nothing to you and that it will never happen again but I know that it is not the truth because If it was you would never be able to do this to me” I tell him while crying. I didn’t want to cry but how could I not?

“I love you” he repeats while looking at me. “I’m sorry, I never wanted this for our son, we always said together forever and that he would see that.”

“His dad stepped out.” I bluntly say.

He wipes his face. There goes the tears. Now I’m getting angry, how are you crying when you broke our family apart?

I look at him and I can tell he is about to say something.

“You will always be the woman that was made for me. You gave me my son, a family and a new life. Some men dream about having the life I have, some men would kill for it and I took it for granted. I knew what I was doing and I didn’t stop it, I knew my family was at home and I continued it and I knew it would hurt you and a part of me didn’t care but also knew I would lose my family so I tried to hide it. “ he says.

Ouch. It hurts so bad to hear him say this but I also know it’s the truth.

“ Thank you for your honesty. I just don’t understand” I reply. We were fine one day. What did I do? What changed?

“Don-“ he tried to speak.

“What did I do to make you fall out of love with me? To make you not care about us? It’s not just me you should’ve thought about. We brought a child into this world and you should’ve thought about him, you didn’t think about him!” I cried.

“Stop blaming yourself.” He tried to move closer to me but I put a hand up to stop him.

“No. Don’t do that. You’re wrong.” I say.

He moves back to his original spot on the couch.

“Are you leaving?” He asks me. “Taking him with you?”

I look down at my son and my heart hurt. He doesn’t deserve this. He deserves for us to be a happy family and I can’t even look at my husband because I never wanted this, I don’t want our family to not be together every day but I can’t stay here, it won’t be the same.

“Yes” I tell him softly. “You know I don’t want you to feel like I am taking him from you.”

“You are, I don’t want to be without him or you.” He sits up.

“I have no choice. We talked about this before and we had a solution we both agreed on so it is not my fault you forgot about that when you decided you didn’t care to keep your family anymore.” I sharply tell him.

“Stay.” he tells me.

“No.”

“I love you.” He puts his head in his hands. “I love you.” He repeats with his head down.

“No.”

“You want to take my kid and figure it out but I don’t want to be without you.”

“Stop.” I say.

“You’re begging me to stay after you cheated on me. You’re selfish. You are still not thinking about me or our son. You were here but not here. You didn’t treat us like you loved us or wanted a family but here you are acting like you are going to miss us so bad and we aren’t even gone yet. It’s not easy for me to leave, it’s so fucking hard to look you in the eye, tell you we’re leaving and come to terms with it because I was present, I always thought about you and our kid. I don’t care for your apology because you haven’t said much about you cheating, just begging me to stay. Stop.” I say to him.

“How did you find out?” He asked me softly.

“I always knew.” I tell him. “I always knew because I was always alone, slept alone, woke up alone, watched our son grow alone, and ate dinner alone. I shouldn’t be alone if I have a husband so where is my husband? I knew right away. For the sake of our family, I always wanted to get it out of my head but the signs were all there.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you and I’m sorry I am the reason we are like this.” He tells me.

“Tell that to him.” I say to him as I stand up with our son and head to the bedroom.

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lukesvangelista · 3 months

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really in the mood to write rn so please send me requests!!!

ps. luke evangelista

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a-aexotic · 10 months

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i wanna start writing for hockey guys lmk if y’all are interested 😭😭

#nhl #nhl fanfiction #nhl draft 2023 #nhl fic #nhl imagine #nhl x reader #nhl hockey #nhl blurb #nhl playoffs #jack hughes #trevor zegras #jamie drysdale #kent johnson #adam fantilli #quinn hughes #luke hughes

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cobrakaisb · 2 years

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top gun: umich

summary: what if would be like to watch said movie with the umich guys

warnings: chaos, very brief spoilers (but nothing from the movie is mentioned except the football scene)

words: 645

“guys, what if we went to see top gun maverick? there’s one in like an hour,” you asked, scrolling through your phone. “i mean we could,” kent mumbled, leaning over your shoulder to look at your phone. “how many tickets are there? can we all fit?” nick asked. “uhm the entire theater is empty. we can definitely go,” you said, showing him the select your tickets screen, where every seat was empty.

“alright let’s go,” he said, and everyone agreed. suddenly the whole group is walking out the door towards the movies. since there’s a theater ten minutes off campus, you guys just decided to walk. “i’m playing danger zone to get us in the mood,” you announced, queuing up the song. once the opening chords come in, everyone starts screaming the lyrics.

finally, at the movies, nick and summers go to buy the tickets while everyone else goes to get snacks. “y/n what do you want?” brendan asked, pulling out his wallet to pay for your snacks. “um a cherry slushie please,” you responded with a big smile on your face. brendan nods, buying you the drink, handing it to you when the poor teenager running the concessions gives it to him. “alright let’s go or else we’ll miss the previews,” mark said, grabbing your hand as the two of you ran ahead to the theater.

it turns out that you guys had the whole theater to yourselves because by the time the opening scenes come on, no one else is in the room. “is this the same scene from the 80s?” thomas shouts. “lame boo! tomato, tomato, tomato, throwing tomatoes!” brendan shouts, throwing some popcorn at the movie screen. “oh my god bren don’t embarrass us,” matty shouts, scolding his roommate.

“guys stop look at tom cruise! isn’t he so fine?” you shout, pointing to the very attractive man on the screen. “he’s alright,” nolan answers, causing a loud gasp to come from your mouth. “take that back moyle!” you shouted, and more laughs echoed throughout the theater. the movie continues, you guys making comments every once in a while. then, the scene you’d been waiting for came on: them playing football.

“oh my god she’s literally drooling!” kent shouted, pointing at you. “shut up kent! look at miles teller, he is doing god’s work with that mustache. what do you do? stick out your tongue when you score? yeah, mind your own business,” you snapped, eyes focusing back on the attractive man known as rooster in the movie. “damn kent. you got served,” luke observed. “yeah thanks hughes,” kent griped, arms crossed with a small pout on his face.

“guys! nick is crying!” nolan shouted. “i am not,” came the captain’s very weak defense. “eddy is crying too!” “so are thom and brendan!” “add owen and kent to the listen!” “oh my god guys, y/n is sobbing what do i do?” mackie asked, a panicked look on his face.

“no way that plane flies!” steve shouted. “shut up steve it’s a movie,” jacob replied, knowing that he would go on a tangent that involved engineering concepts nobody but him understood.

“how did tom cruise not die?” summers shouted. “ugh here we go!” micheal complained.

finally, after two hours, the movie ended. “so did you like the movie y/n?” owen asked you left the theater. “hmm? yeah it was great. 10/10,” you mumbled, typing away on your phone. “what are you doing?” dylan asked, coming up next to you. before you could respond, the freshman snathced your phone. “oh my god! guys she’s looking up the nearest base!” he exposed you between wheezes. “how else am i going to find a miles teller? i need that this summer,” you explained, snatching your phone back. everyone laughed as you all left the theater to go home and debrief the movie.

#top gun x umich #umich hockey #nick blankenburg #nolan moyle #thomas bordeleau #brendan brisson #owen power #kent johnson #matty beniers #steve holtz #luke hughes #mark estapa #ethan edwards #mackie samoskevich #dylan duke #jack summers #jacob truscott #umich hockey imagine #umich hockey x reader

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whosangitbetter · 10 months

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#imagine #john lennon #jack johnson #eva cassidy #a perfect circle #spotify #tumblr polls #polls

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greazyfloz · 1 year

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I am backk. I use to write like 4 years ago but took a break but I am backkkk inbox is open :-))))

I will be adding a prompt list and a list of who I write for soon :)

#nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #nhl smut #umich hockey #quinn hughes #jack hughes #brock boeser #elias pettersson #matthew tkachuk #owen power #thomas bordeleau #juraj slafkovsky #kent johnson #william nylander #michael bunting #josh norris #tim stuetzle #jordan kyrou

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powermakar · 2 years

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Any fics in the process?

Yes! I have a whole bunch that i’m writing right now and I have 16 requests I have to write for :)

#hockey #umich hockey #umich wolverines #fiction #ice hockey #national hockey league #nhl hockey #owen power #nhl players #owen power imagine #kent johnson #ethan edwards fic #thomas bordeleau #ethan edwards blurb #university of michigan #quinn hughes #jack hughes #luke hughes blurb

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equallyshaw · 7 months

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the one where - | nico hischier

─ nico x erik johnson oc sister

warnings: swearing, anxiety attack. angst, thats all i can say. a bit slow burning as well. sexual themes at end, but its like pg.

word count: 5.8K

shoe link.

dress link.

clutch link.

second outfit.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

the first time they met.

miranda stepped into the prudential arena for the first time since she had been hired by the management team. she followed the team assistant that had been waiting for her as soon as she walked into the staff wing, and the two made their way up to her office than she would be getting a personal tour of the arena. miranda johnson was hired as as the devils second in command to their head psychologist, thought she was hired for the social worker aspect. "is it true your erik johnsons little sister?" the assistant asked and the girl nodded towards the older girl. "yep unfortuntly." miranda hummed causing the blonde girl to giggle. "i have an older brother too- id like to kill him sometimes." and miranda laughed. "oh good lord, i want to sometimes as well. sometimes they need their lives threatened every once in a while." miranda joked as casey opened her office door.

four walls covered with grey paint, a desk, small leather couch, mini fridge, a tv, some fake succulents and a desktop computer filled the room. "home sweet home." miranda said softly, setting her bag down under the desk. "lets head down to the ice, I'm sure its different then denver." casey smiled and miranda grinned. "well for starters yall have no mountains." miranda joked. miranda had done her undergraduate and graduate degree at the university of denver, and as soon as her brother was traded she no longer wanted to be in denver. so she headed out to the east coast, looking for different jobs in the new york area and came across the devils. match made in heaven she thought, doing what she loved and working within the sport she adored. the two headed down talking about jersey and the team themselves, "i would say the captain does a great job of keeping the team together but he's also younger so sometimes it doesn't always work out." casey explained and miranda nodded. "good to know." she hummed, now walking down to the bench. the ice was clean, patiently waiting for the players. they sat on the bench taking in the quietness of the arena. "it definitely is different than ball arena." miranda commented, with slight sadness in her voice. the two spoke about the team, the coach and anything else casey had to say. they stood up just as some of the players began to filter out. "casey!" the boys said as they noticed the girls. they smiled at miranda before stepping out on the ice, and then nico stepped out. "hi casey!" he said and then stalled seeing the dark haired girl. casey noticed him trying to figure out who miranda was as she watched the players skate around. "oh this is miranda johnson, the new social worker we just hired for the team!" casey explained and miranda was pulled out of her trance and turned to look at nico. "miranda johnson, nice to meet you..." she trailed off as she held out her hand. he took off his glove and held out his hand, "nico hischier, captain." and she nodded before pulling back her hand. "hopefully we arent too much work." he joked and she waved him off, "nothing i cant handle." she smiled and he chuckled softly. "let me know if that's the case in a...week." he joked before stepping onto the ice. miranda looked at casey, "you're gonna hate jack hughes in a week." casey joked causing miranda to smile respectfully. "trust me, you will..." casey added, before the two headed back upstairs.

the time she ended up at his place. and one where she got fired.

it was saturday night, before a early afternoon game between her brother and the devils in jersey. she had been with the devils for about two months already and was enjoying her time, and most definitely understanding the chatter (mostly harmless) around jack hughes. he definitely had a lot to say, and most of the time it was just drama he wanted to talk about. she had to remind him many times, that she was a mental health professional not somebody who talked about drama all day everyday. he still came around, to do just that. but she enjoyed getting to know the other players and some of their wives, all of them wanting to meet the person on the team who had been knocking some sense into their men and who was making progress. like real progress. and creating an environment that made the team, staff, and everybody who came across her safe.

she smoothed down her black mini dress and stepped into her baby blue heels, making sure everything looked good before she left her apartment. she quickly made her way down to her car, sliding in and letting erik she was on her way. about 35 minutes later, she pulled up to the Italian restaurant in lower manhattan and pulled up to valet, letting them pull her car around back. she made her way in and greeted the hostess, and they took her towards her brother. "bean!" he said wrapping his arms around her 5'5 frame. "hi bear." she smiled, taking in the hug she had missed the most. they parted, and he pulled out the chair for his sister and she thanked him. "so tell me about jersey, how is it?" he asked as she sipped the wine he had ordered for the two. she smiled, "its good! i've pretty much have found my groove with everybody. i think they're really taking to my style of work and i think the way everybody has responded to it has been good. though." she paused giggling, "there is one guy that quite literally just wants to gossip with me, he knows my role and stuff but just wants to gossip. half the time its funny shit but others its like serious and so i tell him he cant go around blabbing his mouth but i know he doesn't listen." she said and ej laughed. "hows buffalo though, hows josty?" she questioned, a small smile forming on her soft pink lips. ej laughed, "he's great! he's happy to have me on the team...y'know he still asks about you." ej said grinning and miranda rolled her eyes. "last time i checked..isn't he the one that said we couldn't be together after he was traded? that he didn't want to do long distance?" she smirked, quirking an eyebrow. he shrugged, "i think because im now there, he realizes how much he's missed having a johnson in his life." he said with a toothy smile. she rolled her eyes, "alright big bear." she hummed.

as the dinner progressed, miranda's phone hadn't stopped vibrating in her clutch that sat next to her. erik took notice of it, but did not say anything at first. "hey randy, you wanna check your phone?" he asked slirping spaghetti in his mouth. her eyebrows creased in confusion, and she pulled out her phone to see multiple messages from nico as well as a few phone calls. she read the messages, nico clearly in some sort of distress. "do you need to take it?" ej asked and she looked up at him, "its one of the players." she said looking back down debating if she wanted to call or text. she chose the latter,

miranda: you ok?

nico: i dont know whats happening

miranda: whats going on? are you hurt? do you need an ambulance or me to call somebody?

nico: thats why i was calling you. my chest hurts, i cant breathe.

miranda sighed knowing what was happening.

miranda: do you need me to call?

nico: can you come over? i need to talk face to face with whatever this is

miranda thought long and hard, before looking back up at erik. "one of the players needs me to come to his place and i-i don't know." she paused to bite her lip, thinking if ethically she could. "ej-im sorry." she said looking up at him but he waved her off. "your job calls, don't worry randy. go, ill take care of the bill. ill see you tomorrow." he said standing up to hug the girl. the big bear wrapped his arms around her, kissing her head before they pulled apart. "ill let you know when i get home!" she said before taking off towards valet. she texted nico, asking for his address and he responded quickly. back to jersey.

she knocked on the highrise apartment, alerting the swiss inside. he stood up and dragged his feet towards the door and as soon as she saw the state of nico; she knew she was in for a long night. he opened the door wider for her, and she took in the surroundings. clean, crisp, and sleek, she thought. she turned around to face nico, keeping a bit of distant between the two. he took in her attire and then looked at her. "were you on a date?" he questioned, with somewhat of a distaste in his mouth. she shook her head, "no i was out with my brother. him and buffalo just got in." she said and he was confused. "my brother is erik johnson." and then nico's eyes went wide. "i had no idea, I'm so sorry!" he said feeling bad, his anxiety rising even more. she shook her head, "no no, its ok! i just want to make sure you are ok nico. whats going on?" she asked softly. he closed his eyes and sighed. she took in his composure and his inability to relax. may it be because he's the captain and he feels as if he can't show any weakness or maybe its pride. "take your time nico, you don't need to spit it out all at once i promise. whatever you feel comfortable with." she said trying to gage his reaction. he nodded, reopening his eyes, and looked towards the kitchen. "would you like some water?" he asked shooting himself in the foot, calling himself stupid for not asking it to begin with. "sure, ofcourse, thankyou." she said following him towards the kitchen now. she could tell that it was eating him up inside, and knew at some point she'd need to inquire about it. but tonight was not the night. she sat down at the island counter, and he pulled out a bottle of water for himself and her.

"how are you feeling right now nico?" she asked sipping a bit before setting it back down. he shrugged, "i feel a bit better, after you said you were coming i kind of calmed down a bit but my mind wont st-stop racing. which is causing my to be nervous about something, i have no idea." he rambled as bit and she nodded. "what are the thoughts you're having? are they about hockey, personal things, family?" she asked tilting her head to the side just a bit. he bit his lip, "its-its nothing." he said closing off, and she nodded "okay. in order for this to work nico and to understand more of why you called me, can you explain a bit about how you were feeling earlier?" she questioned, treading water. he was either going to answer it or retaliate and get upset. he sighed, "it felt like i had a weight on my chest or something, i couldn't breathe. my breathing was fast and shallow, i was sweating..i-i cried a bit." he said looking down at the ground. "I've never had that happen before though, it was a shock and so that made it worse." he said looking up at miranda. "well it is completely normal, nico. i can assure you that. sometimes our bodies can not always tolerate or compensate our anxiety. thus, leading to anxiety attacks. so we have chills, the sweats, overwhelming thoughts for various reasons. could be from work, could be our family or personal life or it can just be triggered for no apparent reason." miranda explained and nico nodded. "i don't want you to feel as if its wrong or that it means you are weak, because that is far from the truth. i like to say that when people have an anxiety or panic attack, it shows how strong mentally we are because to get to the point of an attack we would have had to gone through so much turmoil mentally and emotionally. and sometimes the only release is for those to happen. to think of how much you might have been taking on and that is remarkable in itself. besides, having an anxiety attack makes humans more resilient." and that made nico relax just a bit.

"well good thing you said that, i was feeling like a freak over here." he said cracking a small smile. she nodded, "yeah no, you are from a sneak i can assure you. if its considered to be a freak, then call me one. i don't wanna feel left out." she hummed, "you've had them before?" nico asked quickly. she nodded after realizing what she had said and the fact that she shared personal info, "uh yes. I've had them throughout my childhood and adolescence. its gotten better over my young adult years but i still get them occasionally. especially when i feel like a fraud at work or in my personal life." she said shrugging. "a fraud?" he questioned, moving towards the kitchen island and resting his elbows on it, their hands now only inches away from one another. she nodded, "yes. i believe and feel as if i don't belong where i have ended up. i believe that i don't know enough, have enough experience for the work i do. and then i don't feel as if i deserve the friends i have, especially the ones i made back in denver. I've always thought that if they did not know my brother, they wouldn't give me a second look." she said shrugging before she took some sips of water.

nico took in that information and his heart broke just a bit, she didn't understand what a god send she was. how kind, open hearted, always willing to help in any way she could and on top of that, she was hilarious. always had a joke or two to cheer up some of the guys. he didn't like how she sold herself short over friendships. "i don't buy that for one second." he said, "the friends part. you're pretty rad miranda." he hummed and she felt her cheeks heat up just a bit. "oh really? i guess ill add that to my case file." she said laughing, and nico chuckled softly with a smile forming.

"what do you like to do to relieve any stress or anxiety?" she asked, trying to regain focus on why she was here. he shrugged, "does hockey count?" he asked genuinely. she nodded, "ofcourse but that is also your job. so anything else that you do outside of work would be a good place to start." she said and he nodded. "i uh like to hang with the guys, um i read a bit, i like to workout and play video games." he said, "but i don't know if those count." he said but she nodded anyways. "ofcourse! anything you do to distract yourself in a healthy way and relieve stress are coping skills, the ones you have are great nico!" she said smiling and he nodded, mirroring hers. "i would stick with those but would not limit yourself to just those. there are so many out there, i can definitely offer some others when i go back into the office monday." she offered and he nodded.

"thankyou, i definitely am feeling much better now. you've relieved a lot of anxiety i had tonight, by just talking and listening to me." he stated and she nodded. "I'm glad nico, i find that talking about things in a safe place can do wonders. and having somebody understand you as well can be beneficial. would you like to come see at some point this week?" she questioned and he nodded. "yeah id like that." he said smiling. the smile he gave everybody closest to him. "great, ill send out a few times for you and we can go from there." she said standing up. he nodded, again taking in her outfit. "sorry, i came right from manhattan so i didn't have time to change." she said feeling self conscious, "nonsense..you look uh, you look really nice." he said. really nice? oh my god, he thought. "well uh thankyou nico, ill see you monday. text me if you need anything else." she said praying to the universe to get out of there as quick as possible. he nodded her walking her back to the front door, he thanked her once more and she slipped out.

she woke up the next morning to a text from her boss, stating the he needed to see her in the office today. she groaned as she stood up, her body feeling the effects of only getting 6 hours of sleep. she quickly got ready and stopped at starbucks before heading over there. when she walked into the arena, some of the players had just begun to arrive. she slipped between arena personal trying to get to her office. once she opened it, she saw nico sitting in one of the seat two seats in front of her desk. "ah hi nico, how can i help you?" she questioned setting her bag down under her desk and sitting down. "i wanted to apologize for calling you over last night. it was way outta line and it shouldn't have happened." he said feeling remorseful and guilty for the reprimand she was about to get, "oh uh, no problem nico. its all good." she said trying to reassure him but she could tell that by the look in his eye, it was not. "i have to go see larry, ill stop by and talk to you guys soon. just check in." she said as they both stood up. he only nodded before walking out. she sighed, placing her hands on her hips. what did all this mean? she did not have time to ponder anymore because larry knocked on the door. "hi larry! what did you want to speak about?" she questioned, her hand raising for him to sit down in front of her. he sat down sighing, not sure of how to say what he was about to say. "you're fired miss johnson, i'm sorry i have to do this. but you are not permitted to treat players at their residences." larry said feeling horrible, he really liked miranda but nobody from upper management liked that she did what she did. "wait-what? he was having a crisis! i went over there, besides. nobody wanted to tell me this, tell me what i cannot do?" she said as her heart beat began to rise. he shook his head, "it was in your contract." he stated and she shook her head. "larry excuse my language, but what the fuck? it was not!" she said taking out the contract she kept in her desk. she threw it on the table before them, "you no what no. I'm taking this." she said snatching it up and putting it in her bag. "seriously larry what the fuck. fuck you." she said angrily. she hoisted her bag up and threw open the door, and made her way down the hallway toward her car.

"miranda!" he screamed but she didnt budge. she continued walking faster now, weaving in and out of people. she sighed knowing that she was about to pass the lockerroom and most likely a group of guys playing soccer. "miranda!" larry yelled again, gaining some attention from people. "don't you fucking say another word larry. you guys will be hearing from my lawyer." she spat as she turned around to face him. larry froze taking in the words, and knew she was serious. the group of players looked up as soon as she had said that. all of them confused and looking at one another. she shook her head turning around and continued towards the exit. larry stood there shocked, and mentally panicking. they did not need a scandal to get out, and he quickly made his way out to find somebody in upper management.

the one where she confronts nico.

she sat at the bar, sitting next to a friend she had made in her time here in jersey. "i cant believe they didn't even give you a warning! fuck them, I'm never supporting them ever again." molly spat, and miranda chuckled. the two had had there fair share of cocktails the past 2 hours as they conversed. "but that means you can come work with me!" molly added causing the dark brunette to giggle. "we'll see. I'm sure erik would want me to come to buffalo." she sighed. "or ill go back to denver." she said shrugging. molly nodded before swearing, "you are fucking kidding me." she growled seeing some of the devils players walk in. miranda followed her eye sight before the taste of vile hit her throat. "fuck off." she mumbled, pinching her nose. "lets go." molly said looking at her phone calling an uber. "yes lets." miranda sighed, "lets head outside it'll be five minutes." molly said and they both stood up. as they began their dissent out, nico took notice of the dark haired girl. he immediately felt guilty and a sense of dread washed over him. "isn't that-" jack didn't even finish his sentence before nico was off to go talk to the girl. molly and miranda held hands as they filtered their way through and miranda felt a tap on her shoulder as they were close to the door. she turned around and looked up at nico. "oh no not you." she growled but he wouldn't let her leave that quickly. "wait miranda!" he said but she was not in the mood. "what do you have to say nico, huh? wanna let everybody else in the world know that i came to your place last night to talk? huh! you wanna tell explain to them that that was the only reason why i came over? you wanna tell management that that was all that happened? because they think other stuff happened and i'm you know quite disappointed in you, being the captain and all. let me know if you need some help, i know a great captain that can help you out if you need it." she seethed, molly and the rest of the team taking in the interaction between the two. nico felt like an ass watching her as she walked out. he felt like an idiot too for telling a trainer that they had seen each other last night. not thinking anything of it when they asked what he did over the two day break.

the one where nico apologizes.

miranda was back in denver by new years, taking on a new position with the denver hospital. she would be working in case management and was happy to be back with her friends and the organization that adored her. she worked part time for the avalanche, after nathan mackinnon begged for her to come on for the rest of the season. he accredited some of his work these past few years to her. even if she was just a student at the time, her advice had helped tremendously. it was right before all star break when the devils came into town and she was dreading the game. she stood down near the entrances that the players used to get to the lockerroom. she was chatting with the head sports psychologist about a research article they'd both read in the past when nico saw the girl. she did not notice him at first but when she heard jack, she knew that the devils were arriving. she turned to look when she heard the whiney voice call her name. barabra the psychologist laughed and then bid her goodbye until after the game. "if it isn't mr hughes." she said crossing her arms, "oh it is me johnson. I'm sure you've missed our gossip sessions." he said cheekily, smiling widely. she rolled her eyes, "not in the slightest, bud." she said smiling just a bit. he grabbed his chest where his heart was, "that hurts." he said causing her to giggle. she saw luke walk in and she smiled to him and he waved back with one. "hows luke doing?" she asked the older brother, and he shrugged. "taking it one game at a time. day by day." and she smiled. "well good, im glad." she hummed. nico stood by jack, waiting to continue their walk together but also hoped there would be a chance to apologize. "well jack, good luck with the game." she said bidding her farewell. he nodded, saluting her briefly before turning back around. as miranda was about to take off, she heard her name. "miranda!" nico called out, his thick swiss german accent sending shivers down her spine. she sighed stopping and turned around, "yes?" she asked curtly. "can we talk..in private?" he asked and she thought for a brief second. "come e're." she said motioning for him to follow. they walked off into a hallway over from the opponent's lockerroom that was deserted. "yes, nico?" she asked, and he sighed. he knew he didn't have much time, "im sorry." he blurted, and her lips turned inward. "im sorry i said something without clarifying what had happened. im sorry i didn't defend you or speak to management. i fucked up badly, i know that and i wish i could take it all back." he said taking in her reaction.

her arms were crossed per usual, her neutral stance. "nico, i-i cant talk about this." she said shaking her head. he knew why, he knew about the lawsuit going on. "yeah, i know. I'm sorry about it though." he said and she nodded. "yeah, thanks." she mumbled. " i really am, you were an asset to our team. larry couldn't crack half these guys in the time he's been here and it took you all of 2 days to. the guys miss you, especially me." he said the last part softer. her eyebrows crinkled, "you made my job easier ofcourse." he teased. "ahh gotcha." she said rolling her eyes playfully. "its unfortunate that you guys are the most affected by this. the constant in and out of psychologists and therapists is not good for the morale and the mental health of the team, so I'm sorry you guys are going through the ever-revolving door." she said and he nodded. "yeah its too bad. i don't particularly feel comfortable talking to any of them." he said non chalantly. alrighty, she thought. "i hope things get fixed soon nico, i really do. if any of the guys need a place to talk outside of larry, i can send some referrals out." she said looking at nico in the eye, and he nodded. "thankyou miranda and again...i really am sorry." he said genuinely. she nodded, "its all good." she said. "good luck tonight, you'll need it." she said grinning as she began to walk backwards towards her team. his face lit up in a cheeky smile one second and in the next she was gone.

the one where they confess.

molly and miranda laid out in the sun of sunny hawaii, as by week had finally rolled around for the nhl. molly jumping at the opportunity to join the girl, her brother and her brother's fiance. the two chatted for a while in the sun, sipping on some mimosas after brunch. miranda stood up, stating that she was going to get another. she walked from the private pool area where the villas were and walk towards the main one that had a bar. she took in her surroundings, lots of families, couples, and great, the familiar group of guys from jersey. she sighed hurrying towards the bar across from them, and she quickly ordered another mimosa and a water bottle. she tapped her fingers tapped the wooden bar and took in the slight chill that was coming off of the ocean just beneath them. "holy fuck- johnson?" she heard to her right and she turned to see john marino. "john!" she said smiling softly, "how are you?" she asked taking the mimosa and water bottle from the bartender. "good, good! can never be sad with by week." he mused and she nodded, "no you cant, or else i would knock some sense into ya." she teased and he laughed. "oh don't we know it." he said laughing. "randy!" she heard her brothers name from the left of her, and she turned to see him waving her over. "good luck with the rest of the season and have a wonderful rest of the week." she said before walking off.

she walked towards erik when she heard the group of guys talking loudly, all now looking over to see the girl. nico took in her two piece suit, the soft waves hanging off of her shoulders and the confidence she possessed. "whats up bear?" she asked erik, shielding her eyes from the sun. "dana wants to know if you guys wanna get dinner at 7." he stated and she nodded, "i don't see why not. we didn't have any plans." she said and erik nodded, "see ya bean!" and she smiled, "see ya big bear." and the two went their separate ways. nico watched as she went back to the private area with bungalows. he prayed to the universe he'd see her again.

it was 6:20 when molly and miranda went down to the hotel bar before dinner. the two had napped and sobered up since their mimosas and sun time. they stood there drinking some champagne, when molly had left briefly to use the washroom. miranda sat down on the bar stool and took out her phone. she heard the familiar deep voice of the swiss she hadn't seen for a few weeks. she turned to her right and saw him in black collard shirt, black suit jacket and black pants. he looked good, she thought. too good. she turned back to her phone and hoped molly would come back soon. "fancy seeing you here." she heard and she turned towards nico who had a toothy grin. "hi nico." she said setting down her champagne. "what can i do for ya?" she said turning towards him. "well for one you can let me join you." he said boldly and she was taken back, but found her self nodding softly. he sat down next to her, "how are you enjoying your by week?" he questioned, sipping his drink. "its been nice thus far, especially when i'm not the one footing the bill." she grinned and nico chuckled. "i told ej to spread the wealth one time years ago and thankfully he hasn't stop providing." she teased causing nico to laugh again. "all jokes aside, im extremely grateful for him. he just doesn't know how to take no for an answer." she said as nico looked at her. "oh really? so you're not a moocher?" he grinned, and she grinned. "not in the slightest!" she said placing a soft hand on his arm. he looked down at it, and then back at her. she didn't move it, especially not when he looked back at her. she left it there for a few seconds, before pulling away. "sorry, i should probably be finding molly. we've got dinner with my brother and his fiance." she said clearing her throat. nico nodded, a tad bit sad. "well i think she'll be a bit occupied for a while longer. saw john sneaking her into the elevator as i walked in." he mused and miranda's eyes went wide. "no way!" she said, her hand going back to the spot it had just occupied.

"things have happened since you left, that happened quickly after you screamed at me in the bar." he said and her face flashed through guilt and remorse. "yeah...sorry about that." she said biting her lip. he shrugged, "i needed it. it knocked some sense into me." he hummed finishing the rest of his drink. "well now i don't feel as badly." she grinned, enticingly. he looked at her, and she at him. her hand softly moved down his arm, her head cocking to the side. call it alcohol, call it the heat of the moment, or the fact that she'd been thinking about nico since she spoke to him in his apartment. "maybe you could also sneak me into the elevator." she whispered just loud enough for him to hear. nico had a mischievous look on his face, once he realized what she was getting at. "lets go." he said pulling her off of the bar stool by her hand.

as soon as they entered the elevator, nico placed his hands on her waist pulling her in closely. "god I've been waiting for this." he whispered in a husky voice. "oh really?" she teased innocently, catching the heat in his eyes. "hmm mmm. couldn't wait to tell you that i like you...the first moment we met i was a goner." he said as the elevator dinged to his floor. "is that so?" she grinned, feeling butterflies flutter in her chest. "uh huh. surprised you didn't notice that long stares, always finding ourselves in the same area and the smiles i reserved just for you." he said as they entered his room. "i thought you were just being nice, nico." she hummed, placing her hands on his chest. "oh no, only reserve those smiles for the girl who stole my heart one casual conversation at a time." he hummed sliding out of his suit jacket as she began to work on his buttons. "i feel quite flattered, cap." she grinned looking up at him with a glint of excitement in her eyes.

clothes were quickly discarded after that, teasing and many kisses were exchanged after that. "well its a good thing i like you too, nico." she said as she laid in his arms. she looked up at him with a smirk, before he leaned down and kissed her. "how bout i come to denver after the season ends?" he questioned and she nodded. "id really like that, really would." she smiled resting her head on his chest. they looked at one another for a minute more, "now tell me whats going on in that pretty head of yours." she smiled and he blushed. "where do i begin?" he smiled.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

pls like and reblog if you enjoyed, it would mean a ton!

@hischierhaze @nicohischierz @jayda12 @skatesnstuff

#nico hischier #nico hischier x oc #nico hischier blurb #nico hischier imagine #nico hischier fic #new jersey devils #erik johnson #john marino #jack hughes #nhl #hockey #nhl blurb #nhl imagine #hockey blurb #hockey imagine #queued post

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sophia-bordeleau · 2 years

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send in requests ;)))))

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lukesvangelista · 3 months

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#nhl #luke hughes #kent johnson #new jersey devils #columbus blue jackets #nhl x reader #nhl hockey #nhl imagines #adam fantilli #cole sillinger #nashville predators #luke evangelista #luke evangelista imagines #vancover canucks #quinn hughes #jack hughes #anaheim ducks #trevor zegras

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blackwoolncrown · 1 year

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Reading list for Afro-Herbalism:

A Healing Grove: African Tree Remedies and Rituals for the Body and Spirit by Stephanie Rose Bird

Affrilachia: Poems by Frank X Walker

African American Medicine in Washington, D.C.: Healing the Capital During the Civil War Era by Heather Butts

African American Midwifery in the South: Dialogues of Birth, Race, and Memory by Gertrude Jacinta Fraser

African American Slave Medicine: Herbal and Non-Herbal Treatments by Herbert Covey

African Ethnobotany in the Americas edited by Robert Voeks and John Rashford

Africanisms in the Gullah Dialect by Lorenzo Dow Turner

Africans and Native Americans: The Language of Race and the Evolution of Red-Black Peoples by Jack Forbes

African Medicine: A Complete Guide to Yoruba Healing Science and African Herbal Remedies by Dr. Tariq M. Sawandi, PhD

Afro-Vegan: Farm-Fresh, African, Caribbean, and Southern Flavors Remixed by Bryant Terry

Barracoon: The Story of the Last “Black Cargo” by Zora Neale Hurston

Big Mama’s Back in the Kitchen by Charlene Johnson

Big Mama’s Old Black Pot by Ethel Dixon

Black Belief: Folk Beliefs of Blacks in America and West Africa by Henry H. Mitchell

Black Diamonds, Vol. 1 No. 1 and Vol. 1 Nos. 2–3 edited by Edward J. Cabbell

Black Faces, White Spaces: Reimagining the Relationship of African Americans to the Great Outdoors by Carolyn Finney

Black Food Geographies: Race, Self-Reliance, and Food Access in Washington, D.C. by Ashanté M. Reese

Black Indian Slave Narratives edited by Patrick Minges

Black Magic: Religion and the African American Conjuring Tradition by Yvonne P. Chireau

Black Nature: Four Centuries of African American Nature Poetry edited by Camille T. Dungy

Blacks in Appalachia edited by William Turner and Edward J. Cabbell

Caribbean Vegan: Meat-Free, Egg-Free, Dairy-Free Authentic Island Cuisine for Every Occasion by Taymer Mason

Dreams of Africa in Alabama: The Slave Ship Clotilda and the Story of the Last Africans Brought to America by Sylviane Diouf

Faith, Health, and Healing in African American Life by Emilie Townes and Stephanie Y. Mitchem

Farming While Black: Soul Fire Farm’s Practical Guide to Liberation on the Land by Leah Penniman

Folk Wisdom and Mother Wit: John Lee – An African American Herbal Healer by John Lee and Arvilla Payne-Jackson

Four Seasons of Mojo: An Herbal Guide to Natural Living by Stephanie Rose Bird

Freedom Farmers: Agricultural Resistance and the Black Freedom Movement by Monica White

Fruits of the Harvest: Recipes to Celebrate Kwanzaa and Other Holidays by Eric Copage

George Washington Carver by Tonya Bolden

George Washington Carver: In His Own Words edited by Gary Kremer

God, Dr. Buzzard, and the Bolito Man: A Saltwater Geechee Talks About Life on Sapelo Island, Georgia by Cornelia Bailey

Gone Home: Race and Roots through Appalachia by Karida Brown

Ethno-Botany of the Black Americans by William Ed Grime

Gullah Cuisine: By Land and by Sea by Charlotte Jenkins and William Baldwin

Gullah Culture in America by Emory Shaw Campbell and Wilbur Cross

Gullah/Geechee: Africa’s Seeds in the Winds of the Diaspora-St. Helena’s Serenity by Queen Quet Marquetta Goodwine

High on the Hog: A Culinary Journey from Africa to America by Jessica Harris and Maya Angelou

Homecoming: The Story of African-American Farmers by Charlene Gilbert

Hoodoo Medicine: Gullah Herbal Remedies by Faith Mitchell

Jambalaya: The Natural Woman’s Book of Personal Charms and Practical Rituals by Luisah Teish

Just Medicine: A Cure for Racial Inequality in American Health Care by Dayna Bowen Matthew

Leaves of Green: A Handbook of Herbal Remedies by Maude E. Scott

Like a Weaving: References and Resources on Black Appalachians by Edward J. Cabbell

Listen to Me Good: The Story of an Alabama Midwife by Margaret Charles Smith and Linda Janet Holmes

Making Gullah: A History of Sapelo Islanders, Race, and the American Imagination by Melissa Cooper

Mandy’s Favorite Louisiana Recipes by Natalie V. Scott

Medical Apartheid: The Dark History of Medical Experimentation on Black Americans from Colonial Times to the Present by Harriet Washington

Mojo Workin’: The Old African American Hoodoo System by Katrina Hazzard-Donald

Motherwit: An Alabama Midwife’s Story by Onnie Lee Logan as told to Katherine Clark

My Bag Was Always Packed: The Life and Times of a Virginia Midwife by Claudine Curry Smith and Mildred Hopkins Baker Roberson

My Face Is Black Is True: Callie House and the Struggle for Ex-Slave Reparations by Mary Frances Berry

My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem

On Her Own Ground: The Life and Times of Madam C.J. Walker by A'Lelia Bundles

Papa Jim’s Herbal Magic Workbook by Papa Jim

Places for the Spirit: Traditional African American Gardens by Vaughn Sills (Photographer), Hilton Als (Foreword), Lowry Pei (Introduction)

Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome by Dr. Joy DeGruy

Rooted in the Earth: Reclaiming the African American Environmental Heritage by Diane Glave

Rufus Estes’ Good Things to Eat: The First Cookbook by an African-American Chef by Rufus Estes

Secret Doctors: Ethnomedicine of African Americans by Wonda Fontenot

Sex, Sickness, and Slavery: Illness in the Antebellum South by Marli Weiner with Mayzie Hough

Slavery’s Exiles: The Story of the American Maroons by Sylviane Diouf

Soul Food: The Surprising Story of an American Cuisine, One Plate at a Time by Adrian Miller

Spirituality and the Black Helping Tradition in Social Work by Elmer P. Martin Jr. and Joanne Mitchell Martin

Sticks, Stones, Roots & Bones: Hoodoo, Mojo & Conjuring with Herbs by Stephanie Rose Bird

The African-American Heritage Cookbook: Traditional Recipes and Fond Remembrances from Alabama’s Renowned Tuskegee Institute by Carolyn Quick Tillery

The Black Family Reunion Cookbook (Recipes and Food Memories from the National Council of Negro Women) edited by Libby Clark

The Conjure Woman and Other Conjure Tales by Charles Chesnutt

The Home Place: Memoirs of a Colored Man’s Love Affair with Nature by J. Drew Lanham

The Jemima Code: Two Centuries of African American Cookbooks by Toni Tipton-Martin

The President’s Kitchen Cabinet: The Story of the African Americans Who Have Fed Our First Families, from the Washingtons to the Obamas by Adrian Miller

The Taste of Country Cooking: The 30th Anniversary Edition of a Great Classic Southern Cookbook by Edna Lewis

The Tuskegee Syphilis Study: An Insiders’ Account of the Shocking Medical Experiment Conducted by Government Doctors Against African American Men by Fred D. Gray

Trace: Memory, History, Race, and the American Landscape by Lauret E. Savoy

Vegan Soul Kitchen: Fresh, Healthy, and Creative African-American Cuisine by Bryant Terry

Vibration Cooking: Or, The Travel Notes of a Geechee Girl by Vertamae Smart-Grosvenor

Voodoo and Hoodoo: The Craft as Revealed by Traditional Practitioners by Jim Haskins

When Roots Die: Endangered Traditions on the Sea Islands by Patricia Jones-Jackson

Working Conjure: A Guide to Hoodoo Folk Magic by Hoodoo Sen Moise

Working the Roots: Over 400 Years of Traditional African American Healing by Michelle Lee

Wurkn Dem Rootz: Ancestral Hoodoo by Medicine Man

Zora Neale Hurston: Folklore, Memoirs, and Other Writings: Mules and Men, Tell My Horse, Dust Tracks on a Road, Selected Articles by Zora Neale Hurston

The Ways of Herbalism in the African World with Olatokunboh Obasi MSc, RH (webinar via The American Herbalists Guild)

#herbalism #african american #rootwork #african #native american #hoodoo #voodoo

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johnwickb1tsch · 6 months

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FIC:

(most y/n fics are fem gender but [attempted] no real mention of specific appearance, race, body type) The Night Nurse - John x Helen CH 1 │ CH 2 │ CH 3 │ CH 4 │ CH 5 │ CH 6 │ CH 7 │ CH 8 CH 9. CH 10. │ A03

you're the worst thing (i'm addicted to) - John x Helen'sSister!Reader fic │ Part 1 │Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 A03

Imagines:

John x Helen'sSister!Reader Imagine John Wick x Tarasov'sDaughter!Reader Imagine Constantine x Reader x John Wick Imagine Young!John Wick & Model!Reader Imagine part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 John x Wife!Reader Fix it Imagine

BITTERSWEET Yandere!John x fem!reader coffee shop au (this totally turned into a fic) Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 PART 6 PART 7 PART 8 PART 9. PART 10 PART 11 PART 12 PART 13 PART 14 PART 15 PART 16 PART 17 PART 18 PART 19 PART 20 PART 21 PART 22 PART 23. PART 24 PART 25. PART 26 PART 27 PART 28. PART 29 PART 30 PART 31 PART 32 PART 33 PART 34

gentleman john wick headcanon

OTHER KEANUVERSE CHARACTERS:

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR- Constantine x Vampire!Reader Fic Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3

Constantine x Vampire!Reader Neighbor Imagine

Donaka Mark x MartialArtist!Reader Imagine

Donaka Mark x Secretary!Reader Imagine

THE DEVILS' TRIANGLE - Tex Johnson x Reader x John Wick (x Constantine) Yandere Collab with the diabolical @treedaddymcpuffpuff & @sweetwolfcupcake *so many dead doves here be warned...* Original Imagine COVER Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5. Part 6 Part 7. Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 WIP

EXCESSIVE FORCE - Tom Ludlow x Nurse!Reader collab w the AMAZING @treedaddymcpuffpuff CHAPTER MAP

THE BASTARD'S MISTRESS - a don John x servant!Reader fic

break me, softly - a Jack Traven x fem!NurseReader fic

Vino Veritas - A Frank x Reader Destination Wedding Fic PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 CHAPTER MAP

#john wick #john wick x you #john wick x helen #john wick fic #helen wick #john wick x helen fic #keanu reeves #john wick x reader #john wick x y/n

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numberonenat · 8 months

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i asked chat gpt to make a playlist based on my candy love characters...

here's part 2 and 3: others / dateables ul + chani

here's what it gave me:

castiel:

"make me wanna die" by the pretty reckless

"ignorance" by paramore

"welcome to the black parade" by my chemical romance

"bring me to life" by evanescence

"sugar, we're goin down" by fall out boy

"i write sins not tragedies" by panic! at the disco

"sk8er boi" by avril lavigne

"boulevard of broken dreams" by green day

"dirty little secret" by the all-american rejects

"i hate everything about you" by three days grace

"numb" by linkin park

"so cold" by breaking benjamin

"gasoline" by halsey

"the kill (bury me)" by 30 seconds to mars

"i miss you" by blink-182

nathaniel:

"fix you" by coldplay

"fireflies" by owl city

"hey, soul sister" by train

"how to save a life" by the fray

"i'm yours" by jason mraz

"all of me" by john legend

"love song" by sara bareilles

"banana pancakes" by jack johnson

"you're beautiful" by james blunt

"the way i am" by ingrid michaelson

"thinking out loud" by ed sheeran

"bubbly" by colbie caillat

"say something" by a great big world

"make you feel my love" by adele

"count on me" by bruno mars

lysandre:

"supermassive black hole" by muse

"personal jesus" by depeche mode

"sweater weather" by the neighbourhood

"mr. brightside" by the killers

"do i wanna know?" by arctic monkeys

"intro" by the xx

"shake it out" by florence + the machine

"summertime sadness" by lana del rey

"creep" by radiohead

"running up that hill" by placebo

"closer" by nine inch nails

"only happy when it rains" by garbage

"1979" by the smashing pumpkins

"sour times" by portishead

"teardrop" by massive attack

kentin:

"good vibrations" by the beach boys

"walking on sunshine" by katrina and the waves

"don't stop believin'" by journey

"good time" by owl city

"here comes the sun" by the beatles

"happy" by pharrell williams

"sun street" by katrina and the waves

"shut up and dance" by walk the moon

"i'm a believer" by the monkees

"africa" by toto

"i'm gonna be (500 miles)" by the proclaimers

"dancing queen" by abba

"mr. blue sky" by elo

"all star" by smash mouth

"on top of the world" by imagine dragons

armin:

"video killed the radio star" by the buggles

"don't stop me now" by queen

"bohemian rhapsody" by queen

"take on me" by a-ha

"livin' on a prayer" by bon jovi

"sweet child o' mine" by guns n' roses

"every breath you take" by the police

"another one bites the dust" by queen

"don't you (forget about me)" by simple minds

"eye of the tiger" by survivor

"we will rock you" by queen

"don't stop believin'" by journey

"sweet caroline" by neil diamond

"boys of summer" by don henley

"hotel california" by eagles

i actually like this a lot lol

this is always so fun to make even if they don't make sense so yeah qskjvfhdjw

i'll make a part 2!!!

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eddiemunsons80sbaby · 8 months

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Love Me, Anyway

Pairing: JoeQuinnxReader

Request: Joseph may have always grown up dreaming of having children and being a great father to them, and he plans to propose to his long-time girlfriend soon, just in time for her to find out that she will never have children because of a health problem related to her, and she decides to leave him, even though she loves him very much, thinking that she cannot give Joseph the life he wants.

Trigger Warnings: Infertility

You dragged yourself up the stairs of your apartment complex, each step feeling like a journey of a thousand of the most difficult miles of your life. Your body was a balloon and you were trying to keep all the air inside. Your arms wrapped around your stomach as if you could hold yourself together, keep yourself from falling apart. The news you’d received an hour ago had been a deep and crushing blow to your soul.

You failed. You were a failure, broken, incapable of doing the one thing that a woman was supposed to be able to do, that women had been doing since the dawn of time. Your entire world, the future you’d envisioned for yourself, crashing down in an epic, heart shattering explosion before your eyes. A piece of yourself was gone and you would never get it back. You’d failed yourself and worse than that, you’d failed the person you loved more than anything.

On autopilot, you dug in your purse for your key but when you inserted it into the lock, you were surprised to find the door was already unlocked. Shit. That could only mean one thing. You couldn’t do this. Not yet. You’d been hoping to drown in your misery, sob in silence where no one could hear you, prepare yourself for the inevitable second heartbreak, the one that was going to shatter your heart into a million pieces that could never be repaired again.

The briny smell of garlic and the tang of tomato fills your nose as you push open the door and enter your apartment. Jack Johnson’s ‘Better Together’ plays over the speakers in the kitchen as you catch sight of Joe, his back to you as he stirs sauce in a pot. Just the sight of those brown locks, curling gently at his neck, those broad shoulders underneath a cream sweater. Not just any cream sweater, your favorite one, the one that feels like you imagine a fluffy cloud would feel under your fingers.

“And all of these moments just might find their way into my dreams tonight. But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings,” Joe sang softly as he swayed, pouring the contents of the saucepan into the skillet.

He always said he couldn’t sing, that no one would want to hear him. But that was a lie because you loved to listen to him. His voice was your favorite sound in the world, usually so soothing, a balm to your soul. But tonight it was like torture, a voice that hissed in your ear, reminding you of all the things you couldn’t have. That picture the two of you had painted, the plans you’d made, the future you’d longed for, it was all gone. A blade had been taken to the canvas, shredding it until nothing was left and you were going to lose everything that mattered to you in a matter of hours. How would you ever survive such unimaginable loss?

Joe would never stand in this apartment again after tonight. He would never cook another meal for you, the two of you would never spend the night cuddled up on the couch watching movies, you would never tumble into bed with hands desperately grabbing for each other. This was the end. No happy ending for you. No prince whisking you off to your happily ever after. Your story was going to end painfully, brutally, and you had to accept that because you couldn’t do this to him. You couldn’t deprive this man you loved so much of the one thing he’d always wanted so much.

“Joe…” you said softly, three small letters, one syllable that your voice struggled to make.

The pan clanged as he spun around, his hand coming up to his chest, “Jesus darling, you scared me.” He laughed, his hands finding your arms, pulling you in, tucking you into the safety of his chest. Your cheek ran over the soft material of his sweater, your nose breathed him in, trying to absorb every minute detail of this moment that could be your last. “I was trying to surprise you with dinner but you surprised me. I didn’t expect you home so soon. Don’t you normally get off work at five?”

“Yeah,” you managed, unsure how, his arms the only thing that was keeping you from sinking to the floor. “I had an appointment today so I left early.”

“Appointment?” Joe pulled back, hands gripping your biceps, chocolate button eyes full of concern, concern that only fractured you that much more. “What kind of appointment? You didn’t mention anything. Is everything alright?”

“No…I mean, yeah…I mean, everything’s fine,” you lied, your eyes closing as you inhale slowly through your nose. You had to stay strong. You had to hold yourself together just a little longer, enough to do what you had to do, and then you could let yourself crumble. “It was just a routine appointment with my gynecologist. It didn’t seem worth mentioning and I didn’t expect to see you today.”

“Well, I didn’t say anything because I wanted to surprise you.” Joe releases his hold on you, leaving you cold, slipping under, into the darkness, desperate for his arms again. He waves his arm toward the stove. “I am making puttanesca, your favorite, and I got us a great bottle of wine.”

“Fancy. What’s the occasion?” you mumbled, your hand grabbing onto the counter, bracing yourself. You were drowning, flailing, struggling to keep your head above water.

“You,” he mused with a lopsided smile, his hands locking around the small of your back. Soft, plush lips brushed over yours so gently that you had to swallow down the tears that were fighting like a flood raging against a dam. “You’re the occasion, my love. You’re always the occasion. Do I really need a special reason to have a romantic evening with my girl?”

“No…of course not…”

“Have a seat and relax. I’ll make you a plate and pour you a glass of wine.”

Just do it, you told yourself. Get it over with. Rip off the band-aid and let the wound bleed. It would only be harder if you allowed this romantic evening he had planned to continue. Better to just do it. He would leave. You could fall apart and Joe would have the opportunity to move on with his life, to find someone who could give him everything he’d ever wanted because it wasn’t you. It couldn’t be you. Not anymore. You were broken, defective, and this man deserved a woman who was whole.

Your brain may be on board but your body was not. Your feet took you to the table, your knees bent as you sat in the chair. Your heart was desperate for one more evening, one more dinner, one more moment where it could pretend that everything was okay. Where it could gaze upon that perfect face, the face you never tired of looking at, and know that it was yours. Just a bit longer and then you would let him go because it was the right thing to do.

Joe set your plate down in front of you, the pasta dish looking delicious, but your stomach twisted violently. You didn’t think you could put anything in your mouth right now, bile rising up in your throat. Shit. Were you going to be sick? No. You swallowed it back. Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth, inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. The urge dissipated and you sighed in relief, picking up your fork, moving the food around, hoping he wouldn’t notice that you weren’t actually eating.

“How was your meeting?” you asked, hoping it would get Joe talking because you didn’t trust yourself to say much. You were hanging on by a thread, a breath away from completely coming undone.

Joe took a sip of wine, grinning widely, “Really well. Really well. I am excited about this project. The script is amazing, really dark and unique. It’s a real psychological trip. Great fun but also mind fucking in the best way. It’s different from anything else I’ve ever done.”

“Good, I’m glad. I know you’re trying to have a really diversified body of work.”

“I am. I don’t want to get pigeon holed, you know? If you’re not careful in this business, you get typecast. I was worried after Stranger Things. Don’t get me wrong. That was great fun. I loved the cast and crew on that show and I am so grateful for the doors it opened. I wouldn’t have the opportunities I have now if it weren’t for that role but the way it blew up, the love the fans had for Eddie…it just concerned me that I wouldn’t get taken seriously as an actor. But I feel like I’ve done a good variety of roles now that have shown the range of my skills.”

“You have,” you mumbled into your glass, taking a long drink of your wine, willing it to calm your nerves, to relax your muscles. “When will filming start?”

“In four months,” he answered, mistaking the look on your face, thinking it was concern about him traveling for work. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. We’ve been through this before. I’ll fly back when I can and I’ll fly you in to visit. Filming will probably take a little over three months. Besides, I predict you could be quite busy while I’m gone.”

You looked up at him in confusion, “What do you mean?”

Joe’s lips pressed together for a moment and he suddenly looked nervous. His head tilted to the side, those beautiful lips curving into the sweetest smile. Leaning forward, elbows resting on the table, those soft brown eyes meeting yours.

“Darling, I love you so much.” A weight so heavy it was going to crush your heart slammed into your chest. “These past two years have been the most amazing year of my life. I can’t imagine doing any of this without you. I want you by my side always. You make me better. It’s been so hard knowing who I can trust, who is genuine but never with you. I know you love me. You don’t care about the fame or the money or any of the celebrity bullshit. You just want me. You’ve been my safe place. You’re my home and I know, without a single doubt, that you always will be. You’re the person I want to come home to. You’re the person I want to sleep next to every night and the face I want to see when I open my eyes every morning.”

He rose from his chair, coming around the table to stand in front of you. Your heart hammered in your chest, blood rushing so forcefully you could hear it whooshing in your ears. Joe’s hand slid into his pocket, revealing a small velvet box and you whimpered. No. This could not be happening. Not now. Not today.

This beautiful man lowered himself to one knee, opening the box and presenting the most beautiful, simple princess cut ring to you. Emotions lodged in your throat, strangling you, cutting off your air supply. Your eyes widened, hysteria taking over. Hand clutched at your shirt, pulling it away from your body as you tried to tell yourself this wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening.

“I knew from the moment I met you that night at the pub that you were my forever. I told Wes I was going to marry you one day and I don’t want to wait even one more moment to start the rest of my life with you. Darling, will you do me the honor of being my wife?”

“I…oh god…Joe…I…this is…what…” you stammered, tears flooding your eyes and spilling down your cheeks.

Grief as you had never known crashed down over you like a tidal wave. This man, this beautiful, wonderful, perfect man was asking you to spend the rest of your life with him and you couldn’t even if it was the one thing you wanted more than anything in your life. You couldn’t do that to him. You couldn’t condemn him to a life that was lacking, a life that wasn’t what he wanted. You couldn’t stand to see resentment in his eyes years down the road, resentment directed at you because his life wasn’t what he’d pictured. You were going to drown in this grief, the tidal wave pulling you out to the deepest depths of the sea.

Joe chuckled nervously, his thumb running over your cheek, collecting some of the tears, “I hope these are tears of joy that you are shedding, sweetheart.”

“Joe…”

The word was a plea, a grief-stricken cry, a desperate sob and then your shoulders were shaking. Your body folded in half and Joe’s arms were instantly around you, pulling you to him. You slid off the chair and down into his lap. His breath was warm against your ear, lips brushing over your cheek.

“Darling, what’s the matter?” he questioned, his voice panic-stricken.

“I can’t,” you cried, shaking your head, your face buried against his neck.

All you wanted to do was stay here, in the safety of his embrace, surrounded by his warmth and comfort, but you couldn’t. You had to do this and you had to do it now. You pushed away from him, wiping your eyes and rising to your feet. Joe followed, standing in front of you, hands reaching out but you backed up before he could grab you.

“Love, what is this? What’s happening?”

“Joe, I can’t marry you,” you rasped, body trembling as you fought back the tears, fought to regain control of yourself.

“What?” He stepped forward and you stepped back again. “Why the hell not?”

“Because…” What reason could you give him that would make any sense? There was none. There was no reason in the world why you shouldn’t marry this perfect creature. No reason you should be causing the pain that was etched onto that beautiful face. “Because it wouldn’t work, Joe. There’s no way this works.”

“Why not?” he demanded, his hand closing around the velvet box, squeezing it so tightly that his knuckles turned white. “Is this about my work? I know my job is…different. I have to be away sometimes but we’ve made it work so far.”

“Joe, I know but it doesn’t work for a long term marriage. I need stability. I need someone I can depend on to be here. I…” You were lying through your teeth but you knew you had to make it hurt if he was ever going to believe you. You needed him to walk away because you weren’t sure you were strong enough to do it. “I need someone that I can trust.”

Joe reeled back as if you’d slapped him, “And what the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re always traveling. You’re always surrounded by these beautiful women. Your co-stars and the models you’ve done shoots with and the fans that throw themselves at you. How am I supposed to sit at home all the time, wondering what you’re doing?”

“When have I ever given you cause to doubt me?” he pleaded, his hands open in front of him as if begging you. If he didn’t stop, you were going to give in. Your heart couldn’t handle this.

“It’s only a matter of time, Joe. What celebrity has ever had a successful marriage? You’re a man. You can only resist temptation for so long. It’s inevitable.”

Those eyes that were usually as warm as a cup of coffee turned ice cold and you knew you’d succeeded. You’d broken the two of you, shattered it irrevocably, just like your heart. Joe would hate you. He would despise you for thinking such things of him but that’s what had to happen if he had any chance of being happy in the future.

“That’s what you think of me?” he hissed, stepping back. “You really think I’m capable of doing something like that to you? You doubt us so much that you can’t see this working? You think we’re doomed?”

“I do,” you insisted, lifting your chin in defiance, putting on an air of strength and resolve that you didn’t have. “Joe, this has been fun but that’s all it was. That was all it was ever going to be.”

With two long strides, he stepped into you, tilting his head, eyes boring into yours, “Bullshit.”

“Wh…what?” you gasped.

“Bullshit. I don’t believe you. You just told me you love me. Fun does not last for two years. I’ve felt you, darling. The way you kiss me, the way you cling to me when we make love, the way you want me,” he growled. His nose brushed along your forehead, moving down your cheek and you shuddered. “I’ve heard you, the things you whisper in my ear while I’m inside you, the promises you’ve uttered while we lay in bed. That’s not fun. That’s forever.”

“Joe, I…please…” you begged, eyes slipping closed when his hand slid under your shirt, splaying over the skin of your back. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“Make what harder? Your bullshit break-up? The lies you’re telling me?” His lips molded to yours and your own responded, betraying you, instantly recognizing and wanting him. His forehead pressed against yours with a smile. “See? You love me. So, what is this really about? Why are you trying to destroy a really fucking good thing?”

“You don’t want me,” you cried, eyes slipping closed, tears creating trails of heartbreak down your cheeks. “I can’t be what you need, Joe. Trust me. This is the best thing.”

“Why would you say that? Why would you even think that?”

His arms were around you again, crushing you to his chest. His chin rested on the top of your head, the insanely soft sweater caressing the skin of your cheek. The sweater you were currently soaking with your tears, probably ruining with your smeared make-up but Joe didn’t seem to notice or care as he held you. His grip was like iron, keeping you from pulling away, as if he could stop you from leaving.

“Darling, I want you with every fiber of my being. I have never wanted anything more than I want you, the future we have planned together, the life we’ve dreamed of. You are what I need. You’re all I need. I can’t do this without you.”

“But I can’t give you that future. That dream is nothing but that, a dream, if you stay with me.”

“What are you going on about?”

A sigh of defeat rushed from your lips, knowing you would have to tell him. There was no escaping this. You’d thought you could anger him enough to make him walk away but he’d called your bluff and it was time to put all of your cards on the table. You pulled back as much as you could, tilting your head up to look into his face.

“That doctor’s appointment…it wasn’t just a routine exam. I missed my period. I didn’t think much of it because my periods have always been irregular. But then I missed another one. I thought I might be pregnant but I’m not…I never will be. I’ve also been so tired lately. I’ve had trouble concentrating at work. They ran some tests and I have primary ovulation insufficiency. I don’t ovulate. I can’t have kids, Joe.”

His lips parted, eyes widening in shock. There it was. Now he would know. He would understand. Joe would agree with you. The two of you had dreamed of a future with children. He wanted at least three, a big family. He wanted to be a dad so badly and you couldn’t give that to him. Of course he wouldn’t want you.

“I’m defective,” you whispered, attempting to pull back from him but he simply held on tighter. “I’m broken. You don’t deserve that. How can we be together when I can’t give you the one thing you want more than anything?”

“The one thing I want more than anything is you,” Joe stated, one hand sliding along your back to cup the back of your neck. “I am so sorry. You went through all of this alone? Darling, why didn’t you just tell me? I could have been there for you. I would have gone to the doctor with you.”

“How could I tell you? You’ve made it very clear that you want children, Joe. You have always dreamed of being a dad. You’ve gone on and on about all the things you want to do, the experiences you want your kids to have, when you’re a dad. I knew I was going to lose you if the test didn’t go my way.”

Joe’s face scrunched and you fought the urge to kiss his nose, “Why would you lose me?”

“Joe, are you even listening to me?” you groaned.

“I am. I’ve heard everything that you’ve said. I didn’t fall in love with you because of your ability to give me children. I fell in love with you because you’re perfect for me. You’re everything I could have ever wanted, everything I’ve dreamed of. If we want kids someday, there are ways. We can always adopt.”

“But they wouldn’t be yours,” you argued.

“Of course they would be. Genetics are not everything, sweetheart. Love is. There are so many kids out there who need loving homes, need someone to treat them like the most important person in the world. And we would. You will be an amazing mother, if that’s what you want.”

“I do. I just…I feel like such a failure. My body is incapable of doing the thing that essentially makes me a woman.”

“The ability to birth children does not define who you are,” Joe stated, shaking his head. “Your strength, your kind heart, your beautiful soul…those are what makes you who you are. Anatomy has nothing to do with that. You are the most perfect person I know. There is nothing defective about you.”

“You still want me?” you asked, hardly daring to believe it, terrified the rug would get pulled out from under you the minute you allowed yourself to.

“Of course I do. Darling, there is no one else for me but you,” he asserted, pulling the ring from his pocket once again. “Now, can we try this again?” He opened it, holding it out in front of him. “Would you make me the happiest man on earth and marry me because you are my absolute everything?”

You looked down at the ring and then up into the face of the man you loved. Your friends rolled their eyes when you gushed about how perfect he was but it was true. There was not another man out there who could hold a candle to Joe and there would never be another man for you.

“Yes,” you grinned, nodding. “Yes!”

“That’s the correct answer,” he laughed, one hand grabbing onto your waist, pulling you in for a soft, sweet kiss.

“I love you so much,” you whispered against his lips.

“I love you too and we are going to have the most amazing life together,” Joe breathed, sliding the ring onto your left hand. “You and me forever, darling.”

“You and me, forever,” you agreed, wanting nothing more.

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