#Ive been really productive the last few days but i go back to work so thats gonna change

[oodlesodoodles]

Harry squeezes a local Club manager to let them have a swim in the fancy ass pool in return for keeping a drugging/poisoning case quiet

#Ive been really productive the last few days but i go back to work so thats gonna change #Maybe this isnt universal but the most easygoing and eager to skinnydippers ive met are trans guys haha #And i like the thought of kim being so tightened til theres relative privacy and also a body of water OUT OF THE WAY #Hes really disapproving of harry doing this until it works! Then hes excited. so they come back in the wee hours to 'interview a late night #They have to be hush about it bc they dont want anyone else tagging along #God when im bored for multiple days instead of doing chores my brains starts writting fic i guess.

[coffeeshades]

credits to the gif maker!

LOVE IS COMPLICATED - PART IV

summary: the trials and tribulations of falling in love or two idiots who can't get their shit together.

pairing: pedro pascal x actress/singer!reader.

word count: 7.2k

warnings: 18+ (minors dni). mentions of sex. angst (heavy on this i'm sorry in advance) cussing, age gap, mentions of drugs and alcohol. no use of y/n, if i missed something please let me know!

a/n: hi everyone! yes yes i know i disappeared for like 5 months but let's pretend i didn't. i've seen all of your messages and comments and i'm overwhelmed with all the love you've shown to the previous parts. thank you so much to everyone who likes, reblogs and leaves a kind message, i see you and love u. here's a new lil chapter, i hope you enjoy it. happy reading!!

February 28th, 2019 

Cort Theater, NY

The day was here. The day he had been eagerly waiting on for months. The anticipation had been building up, and now he was finally going to perform in front of a live audience for the first time in what felt like an eternity. The months of rehearsals and hard work had all led up to this moment, and he was ready to give it his all.

He was starring in the new Broadway production of “King Lear" as Edmond, one of the play's most complex and intriguing characters. The role had challenged him in ways he had never experienced before, pushing him to delve deep into the character's motivations and emotions. As he stepped onto the stage, the bright lights shining down on him, he felt a surge of adrenaline and a sense of purpose. 

And just like that, three hours and twenty-five minutes later, the final curtain fell on the play. The audience erupted into thunderous applause, their standing ovation a testament to their incredible performance. Exhausted but exhilarated, he knew he had given everything he had to the role and left it all on the stage. 

His mind raced with a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. The rush of adrenaline slowly subsided, and as much as he wanted to hear what everyone thought of his performance, there was only one person whose opinion mattered to him right now: yours. 

The last time he saw you was on your last day in Chile, almost two months ago. He vividly remembered the bittersweet farewell outside his family's house—you getting into the car and him closing the door. A door that seemed to separate their worlds. Since then, they had kept in touch through messages and occasional video calls, but it wasn't the same. Of course it wasn't. It will never be. 

The distance between them had only fueled his longing, making him yearn for your presence even more. Constantly trying to derail his one-track mind. 

He knows you're here. He had invited his siblings and closest friends. However, he was unsure of your attendance until an hour before the show, when he received a text from Oscar:

"She's coming with me. Stop pacing and good luck." 

He hadn't really discussed what happened back in Chile with Oscar or anyone, for that matter, but he could tell everyone knew something was off about how the two of you interacted. So when he got the message from Oscar, instead of freaking out about him potentially finding out about you two, he felt relieved. 

It gave him comfort to know that Oscar knew him so well that he was aware of the fact that you were the cause of his two-hour pacing in his dressing room. It was also fucking stupid and laughable. 

The energy backstage was electric as he walked through the bustling crowd of crew members and performers. He entered his dressing room, grabbing his phone and immediately seeing all the texts from friends and his siblings. He opened one from Javiera: "Felicidades, hermanito! Killed it. See you at The Terrace." 

They had planned on getting together afterwards to celebrate. He replied with a grateful smile, saying he'd be there in a few and to get there without him. He quickly changed into a more casual outfit: dark jeans and a comfortable white t-shirt. Wanting to unwind after the intense performance, he made his way to the restaurant. It was only a few blocks away from the theater, so he decided to enjoy the pleasant evening weather and take a leisurely stroll. 

Once he got there and stepped out of the elevator, Pedro watched you from across the room. A delicate hand rested on Oscar's shoulder as you chatted and laughed together. He felt a bubble of pride in himself swell; it warmed him to know that you were enjoying yourself and having a good time. 

He felt like an intruder in your intimate moment, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. At least I don't have to miss her anymore because she's right there, he thought. 

Pedro made his way across the room, trying to appear nonchalant as he approached the table. 

"There he is! the man of the hour," Oscar said, a wide smile spreading across his face. 

You turned. Eyes meeting, and it was like a car crash. A collision of emotions and memories flooding back all at once. The air between you crackled with unresolved tension, and Pedro's heart raced as he struggled to find the right words to say.  

"You came," he said, his voice stern. Not reflecting at all the turmoil inside him. "Thank you." 

"Well, you called," you replied, trying to sound nonchalant as well. Deep down, though, your heart was pounding just as fast as Pedro's. 

Everyone seemed to ignore the palpable tension in the room and how he was losing his mind over these unclear conversations between your glances, carrying on with their congratulatory words to Pedro as if nothing had happened. But for Pedro and you, time stood still. 

People settled into an easy conversation, enjoying each other's company as the night went on. As the night went on, Pedro and you exchanged occasional glances, silently acknowledging the shared secret that lingered. He wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs: We slept together! We slept together, and I loved it! He wanted every single person in New York to hear it. To feel the exhilaration and passion that consumed him. 

However, to say it was to make it real, and Pedro wasn't quite ready to face the consequences of that reality just yet. He knew his place in her life. He knew it was better this way. However, the ever-present question of 'Is it better to have something and lose it than never have it at all?' haunted his mind. 

The laughter and chatter around you provided a stark contrast to the whirlwind of emotions swirling within both of you. After a couple drinks, the atmosphere became more relaxed, and Pedro found himself engaging in lighthearted conversations with the people around him. 

"Ah, man. I need a cigarrette," he said to Oscar, reaching into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. 

"Go, go. I'll keep everyone entertained," Oscar replied with a smile, gesturing towards the lively crowd. Pedro nodded gratefully and stepped outside, the cool night air providing a brief respite from the chaos of his thoughts. As he lit his cigarette and took a long drag, he couldn't help but wonder if the temporary escape it offered was worth the potential consequences. 

"I thought you quit," you remarked, slowly making your way to him, eyebrows raised in mild surprise. Pedro turned and exhaled a cloud of smoke, a wistful expression crossing his face. "I did, but you know me. I have a hard time letting go of old habits," he admitted, flicking the ash off his cigarette.

"Care to share?" you asked, gesturing towards the pack of cigarettes in his hand. Pedro hesitated for a moment. 

"No." 

"No?" you repeated, raising an eyebrow. 

"I don't want to be the reason you get lung cancer." 

You chuckled. "Ok, so you can do it, but I can't. Got it." 

"I'm old; there's no use," he said with a shrug. "However, you have a whole life ahead of you."

"You make it sound like you're on a deathbed," you teased, taking a playful jab at Pedro's dramatic statement. He smirked and took a long drag from his cigarette before responding. "Maybe I am, in a way. But hey, we all gotta go someday, right?" 

"That's...dark," you sighed. "mind if we changed the subject?" 

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" Pedro asked, flicking the ash from his cigarette. "Anything to distract me from my impending doom," he added with a smirk. 

A laugh escaped your lips as you thought of a lighter topic. "How about we discuss your play?"  Pedro's eyes lit up at the suggestion, momentarily forgetting about his earlier morbid thoughts. 

"How are you feeling about your performance?"

Pedro looked at you for a little too long before finally responding, "It's funny I'm thinking about death because I've never felt more alive than on that stage." 

"I could tell. I thought you were great, P." 

He shook his head modestly. "Thanks, but I still feel like there's room for improvement. I want to push myself even further in the next shows." 

"I get that." 

Pedro watched you stare at the ground. His thoughts began to conspire against him, and as he was about to speak, you also looked up and opened your mouth at the same time. Words rushed out in unison.

You both paused, realizing you had interrupted each other. Pedro chuckled tentatively and motioned for you to go ahead. "Sorry, you first," he said with a polite smile. 

You bit your lip, seemingly trying to gather your thoughts. "It's nothing. I just wanted to tell you I'll be in Europe for awhile. I got the Nolan movie."  

"Woah, another one?" 

"Yup. The role isn't as big as in interstellar, but I love working with him so much I couldn't pass up the opportunity."  Pedro nodded, a mix of excitement and disappointment flickering across his face. "That's amazing; congratulations. I'm sure you'll do great, as always," he said sincerely. "I'll definitely miss having you around, though." 

"Well, it's not like it'll be much different than now," you replied. "I haven't seen you since...since you know,"  your expression turned somber, cheeks flushed. 

You were right. He was so busy with the play and his new role in the second installment of Wonder Woman that he barely had any time. He even had to cut back on his time on set for The Mandalorian reshoots this month and a few scenes for a second season that haven't even been announced. 

"Yeah, I know." 

"Should we talk about it?" 

"I mean, there's nothing to talk about, really," Pedro said with a shrug, not daring to look you in the eye. "We slept together, and we both agreed that was it. No need to complicate things further." he tried to maintain a casual tone, but his voice wavered slightly. 

Pedro wanted to scream. The nicotine clouding his lungs was the only thing keeping him from losing control. It seemed like all he was left with was a painful reminder of what could have been. He looked at you as he took another puff of smoke. Your eyes clearly searching for a trace of emotion in his face, but finding none. 

A droplet of rain landed on Pedro's cheek as he inhaled deeply, feeling the coolness against his skin. It was as if the universe was reflecting his inner turmoil, adding to the weight of his unspoken words. He watched as you looked up at the darkening sky, the raindrops falling steadily on your hair. 

The sound of thunder echoed in the distance, mirroring the storm brewing within him. He dropped the cigarrette from his hand, its ember extinguished by the rain.

"Isn't that the point of love, though?" you finally responded, your voice raspy and drunk with bitterness and resignation. "To complicate things, to make us question everything, to drive us to the brink of madness. Maybe it's not meant to be simple, Pedro." 

His body tensed up, and your words clearly struck a nerve. The weight of your statement hung heavy in the air, leaving an uncomfortable silence between you both. It was no secret that his perspective on love had been tainted by past experiences, leaving him guarded and unwilling to let go of his pain. 

"You're right. Which is why I would rather stay away from it. I've seen firsthand the havoc it can wreak on people's lives," Pedro admitted, his voice laced with a hint of frustration. He knows he's hurting you; he can see it by the way your eyes glisten with unshed tears. 

"So that's it, then?" you asked, your voice trembling. "Is this how it is always going to be?"

But he can't risk it. "I thought we were on the same page with this." 

He sees how your jaw tightens at his statement. He knows he's hurting you. He's twisting the knife even deeper. He can't seem to stop just because he believes it's for the better. 

Please know it's for the better. 

"Yeah, I guess it's better this way," you spat back, your voice filled with anger. Of course, you could tell exactly how he was feeling. 

"Guys! What the fuck are you doing outside? It's fucking pouring!" A friend shouts from the doorway. "Get inside!" 

You both stood there staring at each other, momentarily forgetting the rain pouring down around you. 

“Yeah. What the fuck are we doing?" you say, not even trying to mask the anger in your voice. 

He wants to reach out and kiss you. Kiss you so hard that his lips would bruise. Kiss you so hard that your pain will fade away. But that action would go against everything he had just said. 

So he just watches you turn around and leave. 

What the fuck is he doing?

3 months later

After weeks of shooting in the United Kingdom and the Amalfi Coast, you and the crew finally had a couple of days off. Aaron, John, and Rob had the brilliant idea to take a quick trip to Monaco. 

“It’s a Grand Prix weekend,” Aaron said excitedly. “Maybe if we make a few calls, we could still snag some passes.” 

“Doesn’t that start this week?” Rob inquired, taking a sip of his drink. Ever since your arrival in Italy, the four of you finally got the chance to eat dinner together at a nice restaurant. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Aaron waved his hands in the air, “but if we leave tomorrow, there’s plenty of time to get there and enjoy ourselves.” 

You were so focused on your meal that you missed the sound of your name coming from Aaron’s mouth. “Hellooo?” he continued, and you looked up at him, eyebrows raised. “Aren’t you friends with Lewis Hamilton?” 

“Yeah. Well, I mean, we see each other sometimes at events and stuff. He’s really nice,” you tell him, still feeling a bit distracted. 

“Could you maybe give him a call and get us those passes?” he asks, pouting like a puppy. John laughs at him, hitting him lightly on the arm. 

“Sure, I can try,” you reply, feeling a bit hesitant. You rarely ask for special favors and don't want to come across as entitled, even more so when you haven't spoken to Lewis in so long. 

“Yes!” Aaron celebrates by raising his fists. "Um, one more thing,"

“Mate, you’re pushing it now,” Rob remarks with a playful tone. You can tell he's enjoying the banter between you and Aaron. 

“Go on,” you gesture at him to continue, a smile on your face. 

“Could we also use your PP?” 

“Use her what now?” John exclaims. Laughter erupts from Rob's mouth, making you and John join in. 

“Her private plane, mate!” Aaron says, embarrassed. 

“Yes, Aaron,” you get out, still laughing. “I’ll let you use my PP.”

"Thank you!" 

•••

The flight to Monaco was smooth and quick. You spent most of it trying to focus on a script for a project after this one while the boys all slept. After your dinner last night, you made two calls: one to Lewis to ask about the passes and one to your publicist to let her know about your last-minute adventure. 

Lewis was very nice as usual and said that, of course, he can get you the passes, while your agent said attending an F1 weekend would be good publicity and good fun. A win-win situation, she called it. She also said that since you were going to attend the race, you might as well attend all the events that come with it, which meant she had to fly in to assist you.

By the time the plane finally landed and you made it to the hotel, you were worn out. You spent the rest of the afternoon and night sleeping, without a care in the world. The next day, soft knocks on the door woke you up. 

"It's me,"  Taylor's voice called out. 

You groggily got out of bed and opened the door to find her standing there with her laptop, a cup of coffee, and a huge smile on her face. "Good morning, sleeping beauty." 

Although you hadn't passed a mirror on your way to answer the door, you had the feeling that you didn't look visually appealing at the moment. Your body ached, like you wrestled with a wild animal all night and lost. 

"Did you just get here?" you ask her, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. She smiles and shakes her head. "I got here late last night, but you weren't answering the phone, so I called Renata instead, and she said you were sleeping. And like the great person I am, I let you rest." Renata is your PA/publicist, a great friend, and one of the two constants in your life, along with Taylor. 

"Wow, so kind of you," you say sarcastically, but can't help the small smile that tugs at the corners of your mouth. "Come in." 

As Taylor enters, you shut the door behind her. She scans the space in fascination. There are floor-to-ceiling windows on the wall that run the length of the room and the wall to your left, which is behind the dining room table. A broad view of the harbor can be seen between the sheer, white, fluttering lengths of the floating curtains. 

"Gorgeous suite," she says, sitting on the plush sofa across the room. 

"Ren always chooses the best rooms, so yes," you tell her, sinking once again into your warm bed. 

"You're still tired? You've slept for like 16 hours already," she chuckles, pouring herself a glass of water from the crystal pitcher on the side table. "I know, but I guess the jetlag is hitting me harder than I thought," you reply with a yawn, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath of the fragrant flowers on the nightstand. 

"You didn't come to Monaco to sleep, did you?" Taylor chuckles, sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

"Yes?" 

"No! We have a full itinerary planned for today, starting with breakfast at Café de Paris across the street with the boys. And then we're off to the Hotel de Paris for a F1 brunch event. There will be lots of food, drinks, and hot guys. Specifically, hot F1 drivers," you groan-laugh inwardly at the thought of dragging yourself out of bed so early for the sake of hot guys. "You know that's the last thing on my mind, right?" 

"Well, not on mine!" she replies with a wink. "But seriously, it's not just about the eye candy. The event is also for a good cause, raising funds for a local charity. And it's also a great place to network and meet new people—you know the drill." You nod in agreement, feeling more motivated to attend, knowing that it's for a meaningful purpose. 

With a determined sigh, you sit up and swing your legs over the edge of the bed. "Okay, I'll shower."

"Let me call Renata and tell her to prep the car and get the glam team in here." 

"Thank you," you tell her, disappearing into the bathroom. 

•••

Two hours later, you find yourself entering the venue of a charity event with your very impatient and rather enthusiastic co-star and best friend, Aaron. The venue is buzzing with excitement as you take in the elegant decorations and the well-dressed attendees. Since it's Monaco in May, you're sporting a light blue strapless top and white linen pants that complement the warm weather and the sophisticated atmosphere of the event.

"I can't believe Rob and John sat this one out because they were 'too tired', Aaron remarks, shaking his head in disbelief. 

"Well, they don't have the energy of a 5-year-old, unlike you," you tease, playfully nudging him. "But hey, more champagne for us," you add with a mischievous grin as you grab two glasses of champagne from a passing waiter. "Cheers."

The bubbles tickle your nose as you take a sip, savoring the crisp and refreshing taste. 

Camera flashes illuminate the room as people mingle and engage in lively conversations. You're stopped every 5 minutes by someone wanting to take a picture with you. You oblige every time with a smile, posing for each photo and exchanging pleasantries. After all, that's why you're here for. 

Everything was going smoothly until someone bumped into you, causing you to spill champagne all over your clothes. The cold liquid seeps mostly through the fabric of your top, leaving a sticky sensation against your skin. 

"Oh, my bad," you hear a thick Australian accent apologize. You turn to see a rather tall, tan-skinned, handsome man with a sheepish grin on his face. Did you say how handsome he was? And what the fuck was he smiling for? 

Once he realizes who you are, his eyes widen in surprise and anguish. People start noticing the commotion and turn their attention towards the two of you. The man quickly grabs your arm and pulls you away from the crowd, his grip firm but gentle. 

"Hey! Where are you taking me!" you protest, trying to free your arm from his grasp. His grip tightens slightly, but he maintains a calm demeanor as he leads you towards a quieter corner. As you reach a bathroom, he finally releases his hold on you and takes a step back, his expression filled with concern. 

"Relax, I'm not kidnapping you." 

The chaos around you fades into the background as he shuts the door and starts grabbing paper towels. "Shit, here," he says, handing you one. "Sorry for ruining your clothes."  

You start wiping the spilled drink off your clothes, a little annoyed at the inconvenience. You can feel his gaze burning into you without looking. 

"Do ya want me to give you mine?" he offers, gesturing towards his own shirt. "It might be a bit big on you, but at least it's dry." he pauses, waiting for your response. 

You stare at him. "And what? you're going to walk around shirtless?" you ask, raising an eyebrow. He chuckles. "Yeah, I have a banging body, so I'll just be doing everybody here a favor here, really," he replies with a smirk. 

You roll your eyes at his cocky remark. "I think I'll manage without your shirt, thanks," you say sarcastically. "But I appreciate the offer." 

He laughs as he observes you. "Okay, then let me find another way to make it up to you." 

"There's no need."

"Do you have plans tonight?"

"I'm fine."

"Does 7 p.m. sound good to you?"

"Listen—"

"Where are you staying?" 

"I don't even know you."

"It's Daniel."

"Okay, Daniel. I don't know you, so no."

"But you could," he says with a playful glint in his eyes. "And who knows, it could be the start of something new." 

"Are you quoting High School Musical to me?" 

"Hey, it's a classic. And it was right there." 

You chuckle, unable to resist his charm. Something lights up in his eyes. 

"Listen, I won't push you anymore. It's up to you. Can't blame me for trying, though." you raise an eyebrow, considering his words. 

"I'm going to go now," you tell him, pointing at the door. 

He nods understandingly. "See ya later."

•••

After about 30 more minutes of indulging everyone in conversation and enjoying the party, Lewis Hamilton finds you. "Hi sweetie, there you are," he greets you, ever so polite. "I heard chatter that you were here. I thought I wouldn't see you until tomorrow's practice sessions." 

"Oh yeah, but you know duty calls," you say with a smile as you lean in to hug him. "It's so nice to see you. Thanks again for the passes." 

"Oh, it's nothing. You would've gotten them without me, but I'm glad you called me instead. How have you been enjoying Monaco so far?" 

"Good, good—" you begin, but before you can finish your sentence, a burst of laughter you recognize from earlier erupts from across the room. "Actually, do you happen to know him?" you ask Lewis, gesturing with your head towards the source of laughter. Daniel is joyfully engaged in conversation with a group of people. Lewis follows your gaze and chuckles, "Ah, that's Daniel Ricciardo. He's a fellow Formula 1 driver and quite the character, to be honest. He's a cool dude." 

"Huh," is all you manage to say as you watch Daniel animatedly tell a story, his infectious laughter filling the room. 

"What are we looking at?" Renata and Aaron find you and join the conversation; their curiosity is piqued. 

"Nothing," you quickly respond. Renata immediately caught on to your evasive response and followed your gaze. "Oh, Daniel?" she exclaims, voice hushed and her eyes glinting with excitement. 

"Wait, you know who he is?"

"I did my homework on the plane. He drives for Renault, and he looks great doing it."

Lewis and Aaron chuckle at Renata's enthusiasm, sharing in her excitement. "I think Renata will be watching a few races from now on," Lewis remarks, causing everyone to laugh. Renata shrugs, a proud smile on her face. "Trust me, I will, but not for him. Have you heard of Charles Leclerc?" 

You're still staring at Daniel, dumbfounded. Wheels are turning in your mind. 

Aaron's voice interrupts your thoughts. "So...why are we still staring at him?" 

"I'm going on a date with him tonight." 

Your own declaration surprises you. 

"Wait, you are?" both of your friends say in unison, their eyes widening with curiosity. 

"Yes," you say, setting down your drink. "You guys ready to go now?" 

They nodded, not wanting to press further but clearly intrigued by this, and you said your goodbyes to Lewis, promising to see him on Friday at the track. As you made your way to the exit, you grabbed Daniel by the arm and pulled him aside. 

"Hotel Hermitage, 7 p.m., Room 303. Don't be late," you whispered, voice calm and steady. Daniel's mouth curled into a smile, but he maintained his composure and nodded, a feeling of excitement in his gaze. With a final pat on his shoulder, you rejoined your friends and headed out of the venue, eager for the evening ahead. 

•••

You don't know what the hell you were thinking when you said yes. You could feel your anxiety building as the time approached—face flushed, stomach twisting in knots. James and Liz, your hair and makeup team, paused, laying out brushes and curling wands. "Everything okay, love?" James asked. "You want us out?" 

"No, keep going. You're almost done, anyway. I'm just internally freaking out a little." 

"You're great and look beautiful," Liz replied. "There's nothing to worry about."

You give her a tight smile and try to believe her words, but the nagging doubts continue to linger in the back of your mind. As the final touches are applied, you take a deep breath and say your goodbyes to them. 

"Good luck and have fun!" James says as Liz winks at you and closes the door. You chuckle at their enthusiasm. You walk back into the bedroom and pick up the black cocktail dress hanging on the closet door. The soft fabric feels comforting against your fingertips as you slip it on. The dress hugs your curves perfectly, accentuating your best features. You grab your clutch and check yourself in the mirror one last time. 

A knock on the door startles you. "Coming!" 

Breathe, you remind yourself. 

"Wow," Daniel says with a warm smile. "You look absolutely stunning. Are you ready to go?"  

You're sure your face must look like a tomato as you thank Daniel for the compliment. 

"Yes, let's." 

As you reach the entrance of the hotel, Daniel hands the valet a ticket, and he opens the door of his car for you. "My lady," he says with a playful bow. You can't help but feel a rush of excitement as you step into the very flashy luxury car. For an F1 driver, you didn't expect anything less. The soft leather seats hug your body as you settle in, and the sleek interior design adds to the overall opulence of the vehicle. Daniel starts the engine, and the car glides smoothly onto the road. 

"Where are you taking me?" 

He looks at you with a mischevious grin plastered on his face. "My friend Max is throwing a yatch party tonight, and I thought it would be the perfect way to spend the night," he says, revving the engine slightly. "But I intend to dine and wine you before we head there." 

"Oh," you reply nonchalantly, "Nice."

"Still playing hard to get?"

You shrug and give him a grin. 

"That's alright. I enjoy a good challenge," he replies, his eyes sparkling. "But I have a feeling that by the end of the week, you won't be able to resist my charm." He winks at you. 

"You're quite confident, aren't you?" you say, raising an eyebrow. "But don't underestimate my ability to resist." You smirk back at him, ready to prove him wrong. 

The car pulls up to the entrance of the restaurant, and you both step out onto the bustling street. You make your way inside. "Oh, I've been here before," you say lowly, feeling a little satisfied that it is something you've experienced already, so it's harder for him to impress you. 

You couldn't have been more wrong, though. 

The hostess greets you with a warm smile and leads you to the main dining area. As you follow her, you can't help but notice it's....empty. Not a single table is occupied. The dimly lit room feels intimate and cozy, with soft music playing in the background and red roses adorning each table.  

The hostess gestures towards a table in the middle of the room. "The waiter will be with you shortly," she says before leaving you alone. 

You turn around, facing Daniel. "Did you rent out the entire restaurant for us?" you ask, slightly surprised. Daniel chuckles and shakes his head. "No, I just made a reservation for a quiet evening," he replies. 

"You're an awful liar."

"I just saw how hectic everything was for you this morning, with all the pictures and people clamoring for your attention. I wanted to give you a break from that and create a peaceful vibe for us to enjoy tonight," Daniel explains, his eyes filled with sincerity. 

You smile. "That's very thoughtful. Thank you."

"I have my moments." 

The night continues with the two of you enjoying the delicious food and engaging in fun and light conversation. The peaceful atmosphere allows you both to relax and truly connect with each other. 

Just what you needed but didn't realize until now. 

"You're literally always smiling," you tell him. In the very short time you've known Daniel, there's something constant about him: his distinctive smile. Daniel chuckles and replies, "It's amazing what surgery can do. Formula 1 pays really well, and I was able to put a lot of that money into permanent smile surgery."

You burst out laughing. "Well, they did a great job," you say, still chuckling.

•••

You glided arm in arm onto the yatch, dry martinis in hand and a revolving stream of waitstaff to refill your drinks as soon as they emptied. You feel more relaxed and comfortable now. Maybe it was the three glasses of wine you had at dinner and the drink that's currently in your hand, or maybe it was the contagious laughter and carefree attitude of your date. 

Cote d'Azur was a smooth wash of precious stones at this time of year. The ocean's deep, smoky blue stretched out like a shiny carpet. Loud music blasted from the speakers, and the upper deck was transformed into a vibrant dance floor with people spinning and swaying to the beat. 

You wished you could rest your head on Daniel's shoulder without looking like you were already drunk. 

He excitedly introduced you to his friends, who instantly made you feel like part of their tight-knit circle. As the night progressed, you found yourself effortlessly blending in. 

"So how did this insufferable clown manage to take you out on a date?" Max asked, his voice loud over the booming music. 

You shared a brief glance with Daniel. "He spilled champagne all over me."

"And then she couldn't help but fall for my charming personality and good looks," Daniel interjected with a playful grin. 

"Yes, that's exactly what happened." 

Daniel puts a hand on your lower back, and you mindlessly lean into his touch. "You wanna go outside for a bit?" 

The need for some fresh air and a break from the crowded room causes you to hum in agreement. You leaned over and observed the white waves as they cut through the water as you came across a section of railing near the stern of the yatch. 

The sound of the waves crashing against the yacht provided a soothing soundtrack to your conversation. As you leaned against the railing, Daniel's playful banter continued. 

"Are you having fun?" 

"Very much so," you replied, a smile tugging at the corners of your lips. 

"So I'm winning sooner than I thought I would."

"Winning what exactly, Daniel?" you asked, raising an eyebrow playfully. "The game of enjoying this beautiful yacht ride? Then yes, I suppose you are." 

He laughed, but it wasn't his usual boisterous laugh. It was a softer, more genuine sound that made your heart flutter. 

He came closer. "Would you like me to whisper it in your ear?" 

As he leaned in, you could feel the warmth of his presence enveloping you. His eyes were locked with yours. 

"You're falling for me," he whispered, his voice husky. The words sent a shiver down your spine, confirming what you had been trying to deny for the past hour or so. Not because you didn't find him charming or attractive, but because you felt like you were betraying the person who broke your heart months ago. 

How can someone break your heart if it wasn't theirs to begin with? 

You push back those thoughts. 

The playful banter that played out all night faded into the background as a new energy filled the air, sparking a connection between the two of you that was impossible to ignore. 

You give in. 

"You think?" 

He nods, his eyes dark. Your hands were encircling his neck, one at the nape of his neck and the other against the side, where you could feel his heart pounding beneath the pads of your fingers. Your fingers scraped at bristled hairs as you held onto his curls, and you enjoyed the feel of them rubbing against the pads of your fingers. You were tightly gripping him in your hands, not allowing even a millimeter to pass.

Daniel couldn’t decide where to touch you. You huffed a breath against his mouth as the lightest of touches - the barest featherweight of fingertips, like your skin was made of silk, traced along the curve of your jawline. The sensation sent shivers down your spine, making you crave more of his touch. His fingers continued their exploration, trailing down the nape of your neck, leaving a trail of tingling sensations in their wake. 

He had pressed you against the railing at your back with no warning, and you felt the firm pressure of it. And now you arose from it, attempting to cling to every bone-hard surface of Daniel's body. His lips found yours in a passionate kiss, igniting a fire within you that consumed all rational thought.

"People are watching," you whispered breathlessly, breaking the kiss reluctantly. Daniel's eyes met yours, filled with a mix of desire and mischief. He smirked, his hand sliding down your waist possessively. 

"Let them."

You were so fucked. 

•••

You’d barely been able to breathe these past couple of days with events and rendezvous with Daniel consuming your every waking moments. It was fast paced and you found yourself completely swept up in the whirlwind of emotions. He was showing you his world and you were willingly diving headfirst into it. 

It was Saturday morning, which meant is qualifying day and despite all of the media commitments and preparation that Daniel had to do, he’d promised breakfast as a way to make up for it. So here you were at a cafe only a short walk from the circuit, chewing your way through a delicious stack of pancakes while Daniel sipped on his coffee. 

It felt oddly comforting to be sitting there with him. He was a stranger to you just a few days ago, but now he feels like a familiar presence. The conversations flowed effortlessly between you; he was funny, attentive, and attentive, but most importantly, he wasn't afraid of showing you off and telling you how much he liked you. 

From the moment you crossed paths, he showed interest in you and made an effort. You haven't questioned whether he genuinely liked you or not. It was nice to be with someone who didn't play games or hide their feelings. 

Your mind has also found a new way to torture you: whenever you felt happy with Daniel, a nagging voice in the back of your head would remind you of him. 

Him. Him. Him. 

You couldn't even say or think of his name. It was too much.  

And yes, you were content, but you couldn't help but think about it. 

The first time you tasted Daniel's lips, you were let down it wasn't the same. That feeling of disappointment lingered, but as days passed, it dissipated more and more. Maybe one day it'll be gone completely, you thought. 

"So let me get this straight," you say, putting your fork and knife down on the plate. "You were on your way to winning in 2016, but a pit stop error cost you the race?" 

Daniel nods. "It haunted me for so long. I couldn't shake off the frustration."

You grab your coffee and lean back on the chair, listening intently. "It was very dark. I should've been happy because I was on the podium in Monaco, and that's huge, but I was miserable. The whole time, all I wanted to do was smash everything to pieces and scream, which is something you do not want to do in front of Monaco royalty, by the way." 

You raise an eyebrow, intrigued by Daniel's emotional upheaval. This was clearly a pivotal moment for him. "So, what finally helped you move past that?" you ask, curious to hear his response. 

"Well," Daniel begins, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "I won last year." 

"Yeah, that'll do it." 

You both laugh, and he places a hand on your knee beneath the table. "But honestly," he continues, his voice softening. "It wasn't just about winning. It was about proving to myself that I could overcome my own limitations and achieve greatness." 

"So...winning basically," you respond, teasingly. 

"See, I wanted to be humble about it, but let's be real, winning felt pretty damn good," Daniel admits with a sheepish grin. "I love winning."  

You snort in amusement, "Well, I guess a little bit of bragging rights never hurt anyone." 

You two carry on with your meals. His left hand still on your knee, and the air filled with contentment. 

•••

While Daniel returned from the qualifying weigh-in, you waited at the back of the garage. You had gradually gotten to know the Renault team over the previous two days. Everyone, from the mechanics to the media team, has been friendly and welcoming to you. You're still trying to decide whether it's because of Daniel, your status, or that they were just nice. Pretty sure it was all three. 

You were aware that it would be best for you to stay out of the way as the team worked and the broadcasting teams were filming in and around the pit lane, but you were unable to hide in Daniel's prep room. At the back of the garage, you found a calm area where you could watch the busy activity without being a nuisance. 

You were aware that, although you might have been in the VIP sections, you couldn't be that far away from him. You were able to feel more connected to Daniel and the team's spirit by spending time in the garage.

The phone had been ringing nonstop all day in the back pocket of your pants; the screen frequently flashed with new notifications from your social media accounts or texts or calls from friends and family. You were aware that the countless pictures of Daniel and you parading through Monaco were the root of the problem. 

It was truly a sight to behold to be watching him race around the track and walk around the paddock. 

He was in his element. 

"You look cute, baby," he says, referring to the oversized headseat on your head. His face flushed from the heat, and yours from the compliment. His hair was messy and a little damp from sweat, evidence of the intense racing. He looked perfect. 

Fuck. 

He leaned in for a kiss, his lips brushing against yours, electricity rushing through you. 

Fuck. 

"I think you're winning," you say, your eyes fixed on him. 

"Aw, that's sweet of you, baby, but I didn't qualify that great," he chuckles, his eyes twinkling with amusement. 

"That's not what I meant."

His face is puzzled for a moment before realization dawns on him. He smirks, his signature smile spreading across his face. "Oh," he says, his voice filled with warmth and affection. 

"Yeah," you say, barely above a whisper, your eyes never leaving his. 

"I told you so," he replies, his voice filled with confidence and pride. 

"Shut up," you say playfully before kissing him again.

Fuck. 

You were falling for him. 

a/n: oh oh pedro...someone's stealing your girl. are you guys team pedro or team daniel?

Reblog or like if you enjoyed it! thank you for reading :)

#happy october 1st 🎃 #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal angst #pedro pascal fluff

[spoopydooblr]

The Ken and Stella pregnancy blurb was so good could you write one where they find out that she’s pregnant?

ive been thinking about this scenario a lot and i cant really decide how i want this to go . . .

i think a year or so after they get married (stella is like 30ish) they start to really do their research and find the best fertility clinic in the city. its been almost 20 years since kendall and rava struggled to get pregnant, but still, he's not feeling optimistic.

stella gets a clean bill of health from the doctor, but ken isn't so lucky. just as he suspected, he was the problem. again.

was it the drugs? he was clean now, but he used so much...could he have ruined his chances forever?

stella assures him that it'll be okay, but she never went through what he had to 20 years ago.

they decide on a couple of treatments. they're both taking shots every day and pills at night and its exhausting. most of the meds go to kendall, but stella has to take some too, just in case.

they begin with intrauterine insemination, which is pretty simple and painless, but stella gets her period two weeks later. its hard on both of them, but especially kendall because he knows it's him, not her.

next they try ivf, which is a lot more complicated and expensive (not that money is an issue). now they both have to do injections and stella goes in for her egg retrieval.

the egg retrieval goes better than expected and they're left with 10. ken's sample has some relatively viable sperm so they pull the trigger and try to make some embryos.

the waiting is by-far the worst part, because deep down kendall knows there's no way those embryos are going to get made with his shitty sperm. he's right, unfortunately, and they're back to square one with zero embryos and ten now-frozen eggs.

kendall suggests a donor, like they did with iverson. stella's heartbroken, but they start to look into other options.

because they have the best doctors, however, they get into a trial for a new drug that increases sperm count and viability. stella is thrilled and insists kendall try it, but it's another injection and he's not super happy about it. nothing has ever worked for him, why now?

it's nice to have a break from more intense treatments, so they agree and kendall marks his torso up with injection pricks again.

three months later, ken and stella are enjoying some time off from surgery and tiny, microscopic cells that control their lives. kendall's in new york for the week, working on some financials for their production company (i imagine them making something rival to waystar and completely taking over the media scene), and stella is holding it down in los angeles, or at least trying to.

it's flu season and she's been to so many fancy parties in the last few weeks, stella is sick as a dog. she's a little worried, but the nausea, vomiting and headaches are typical for the flu, right?

she also chalks her late period up to stress. but it's been at least a few weeks...

the day before kendall is supposed to come home, stella drives herself to the hospital after she can't stop throwing up.

"when did the symptoms start?" the doctor asks.

"a week ago, i think, but ive been feeling kind of off for a while."

"and there's no chance you're pregnant? when was your last period?"

stella's heart skips a beat.

"um, i'm not sure. we're trying, uh, but it's been unsuccessful. my period is really irregular and i've been stressed so--" she trails off. "we've been trying for a couple of years."

"and are you taking medication?"

"i did, but it's not really..." she thinks for a bit. "it's not a uterus issue, it's my husband."

"and what is he taking?"

she tells the doctor about the new medication kendall is taking. "it's only been three months, so we're still hopeful. or at least i am."

"i've heard some great things about that new drug. it's really changing people's lives." the doctor smiles, turning away from stella and writing something down. "i'm going to order some tests, but i think you're fine."

------------------

kendall, obviously, sprints to his jet when stella tells him she's sick. she insists she's fine, but wants him to come home as soon as he can, which stresses him out to no avail.

he bursts through the door four hours later, finding stella reading a magazine on the couch.

"stell!" he says, running towards her.

"hey baby." she hugs him, bringing him down to the couch with her. stella presses her lips to his, but kendall is confused.

"aren't you sick?" he pulls away.

her face breaks into a huge smile. "about that..." stella gets up from the couch and walks to the kitchen.

kendall looks at her quizzically, as she comes back with a piece of paper in her hands.

"i have something to show you." she says, holding the paper close to her.

"okay..." kendall smiles at her, utterly confused.

stella carefully sits next to him on the couch. "here."

kendall recognizes the picture immediately. he used to frame them when rava was pregnant with iverson.

"what is this?" he holds up the ultrasound. it's too good to be true, right? tears prick his eyes.

stella is crying already, and takes his hand. "that's inside of me."

he looks down at the black and white photo again. a fuzzy, bean-looking object sits, next to another, smaller object. he's speechless for the first time in his life.

"what is that?" he whispers, pointing to the smaller object on the page.

stella looks at him, and he really can't read her for once.

"this surprise comes with another surprise." she laughs.

kendall's crying, but he takes another look. "is that..."

"yeah."

"two?" he smiles wide.

"i'm pregnant." she finally says, putting her hands on his cheeks. "baby, we're having twins."

they both burst out into crying giggles, hugging. kendall kisses her all over, stopping at her stomach. it's still pretty flat, but he knows her body so well he swears he can see a tiny bump growing.

THIS WAS SO FUN AND LOVELY TO WRITE I LOVE THEM AND I HOPE U DO TOO

#kendall roy x oc #kendall roy x reader #kendall roy

[beesmygod]

do you mind talking about what made effexor so bad for you? also where can I read about this streamer fake death lol

all the stuff on thedarkid is on SA in the sagas thread lol. i would prefer not to post a link bc the quality of new posters is at an all time low on that website and i dont want to contribute to the problem.

AS FOR EFFEXOR: i am prefacing this with the fact that this is my personal experience as a result of my body chemistry. effexor might work for some people with different body chemistry. my suggestion would be to try everything else first before resorting to this one and to be ready to feel really, really bad when discontinuing it.

i got off effexor because the negatives of taking it finally outweighed the positives and the problem i had been taking it for was no longer relevant. this will make me sound ridiculous so keep in mind i took crazy meds for this exact problem, but after we bought and moved into the house, i started having nightly panic attacks and weeping fits over both the decadence of my new non-renter lifestyle (which was materially going to impact the quality of my work and how i viewed reality) and the fact that i had taken a really big step toward commitment without having resolved the source of my deep social anxiety. i could realize how i was behaving and reacting was not normal and until i could get a therapist to address it, i was going to have to put a bandaid on it.

effexor flattened my emotions and my affect lol. this is really, really good for when you cannot reach a baseline of normality. this became bad when that flatness turned into apathy and started sliding into my day to day life. doing basic household chores became a daily struggle. then i started not making my deadlines on time because i completely lost the will to draw, which actively began to terrify me. and then once i started struggling to bathe and brush my teeth i was like "okay. something is really really wrong". so then i started the process of getting off.

that's the broad overview. i did not realize the extent of the damage it was causing me until i started getting it out of my system:

my sleep schedule was destroyed bc it gave me terrible insomnia.

night sweats. NIGHT SWEATS.

theres been a rash on my face for over a year that ive thrown EVERYTHING at to try to get rid of, thinking it was anything from lupus to a yeast infection. it turns out its just caused by the pill. it goes away when theres less in my system o_o

my lip was also split for a year. my gums were covered in sores. and the inside of my nose felt like someone put a weed whacker in there and sliced it up. huge scabs. constantly in tiny flecks of pain. miserable but not unbearable, you know?

pussy felt like sandpaper.

i didnt even notice this until later but it also made me fail to derive pleasure from the touch of another person. but like i wanted to. if someone held me or squeezed my hand it felt almost painful. shit made no sense but you just think "this isnt how its supposed to feel? whats wrong with me?". but like that's over. it stopped. it feels good again.

food tasted bad. and i dont mean no flavor i mean BAD. i say this a lot but i cannot understate how fucked it made my palate. its normal again thank god. i have a bag of coffee that tastes different depending on when the last time i took a pill was. i spent the last year complaining about how bad processed food tastes now like all companies decided to make their product bad instead of something being wrong with me specifically. but when adam's cooking started to taste bad i was like "wait. what? thats not possible". lol thanks honey for helping me realize....

this one is really weird: it would cause specific parts of my body to feel stiff. the worst and most chronic part was the small of my lower back, which felt pulled taught so tight it was uncomfortable. then it spread to the fingers of my right hand, causing me to have to stop every few minutes and scrunch my fingers to try to alleviate it. this symptom only returns after i take a dose now. it makes me thrash like a fish trying to get comfortable at night

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Attn: Talk of death and dying of babies. Please feel free to scroll on without reading (I also wrote a lot, so I doubt many people will take the time to read it).

I ended my three night stretch by being a post-mortem photographer since the last two nights at work have been madness.

Really classic full moon shift on Saturday. Our one kid that had come in during day shift and soft crashed onto ECMO (I say soft crashed because they managed to never lose a heart rate and need compressions because of many doses of Epi). I was support nurse both nights (aka I didn't have a patient assignment, I just help everyone out if/when they need it) and on Saturday my other support nurse and both charges spent most of their time with the patient on ECMO that wasn't doing well. Then at 0620 they lost their HR and a code was called. Which would have been less of an emergency if the ECMO machine was circulating well, but it really hadn't been all night. I was on the opposite side of the unit at the time and I hustled to get over there. Ultimately the code was successful in that we got the ECMO to work, but we never got the HR back. From the ECHO we did the heart was bad, we'd done a bedside CT during dayshift and it wasn't great. They did eventually did withdrawal and the baby passed.

Last night started out pretty slow. Then the little 500g preemie that had perfed their bowel and had bedside surgery on Friday to place drains (they usually opt to do that with the very little ones instead of fully opening the belly to remove any dead bowel) decided to start acting up. Their pressor had been turned off during the day, it was back on and higher than before. Their blood gas at midnight was terrible. The attending got very hyperfocused on thinking that it was maybe a pericardial effusion because they had had a deep PICC (though, she admitted later, her perception was skewed because of a baby that had recently had that happen). What was actually most likely happening was more of their bowel was dying. Although we didn't lose the HR for the first couple of hours (though there were a few deep bradys when we were putting the Bovi pad on to prep for another bedside surgery) because, again, we were giving Epi boluses and had started a drip. Unfortunately once the surgeons got the belly open the baby started to brady, we lost the IV access we'd been using for all our IV push drugs, and then they were asystolic. Per the conversation the attending had had with the family prior to starting surgery it was decided to just quickly close the baby up so family could hold before they died (though they were already mostly gone). After they had stopped manipulating the bowel we did get a bradycardic HR back (not sure if it was PEA or not since no one checked for a pulse, though we might not have been able to feel on either way since the BP was so low). The complexes fairly quickly became wider and slowed down until they again flatlined. Unfortunately they had fully passed just before we got family into the room. A while later after they'd had their bath and spent time with the family, I went in with the bedside nurse to get hand and footprints for the legacy boxes we make for these situations. Once we were done with that we started taking some pictures including some with parents. I'm not really much of a photographer especially with just an iPhone, but I got some fairly good pictures. My faves were close-ups of their tiny little hands and feet... probably because they look quite dead in all the pictures. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to get the picture printer to work, so that became a day shift opportunity because it was like 0650 and I had to give report so I could go home.

It's been a while since I've had a group of shifts like that. I'm hoping this isn't starting another grouping of patient deaths like we had a while back. I have one day off and I'm back as support again on Tuesday night. I did have plans to maybe be semi productive today and make it to the gym, but I never got a break last night and I'm a little behind on sleep from the last few days... so I'm just going to nap and chill today.

#nurblr #nicu #patient death #full moon

[melodyofthevoid]

the way y'all are handling ocean idiots is actually kind of inspiring me, because i have Ideas but i feel pressured to turn it into a whole blown Thing when all i want to do is just have fun with it, because every artist/writer/etc ive seen does it that way.

yall are the first people ive seen who are just trying to Vibe with your blorbos and it makes doing the same thing feel more achievable to me. god bless

PS larus is my favorite. love the little skrunkly bird man. also can i steal yalls powerpoint idea 🥺?

PSS i assume everyone else working on ocean idiots will see this bc yall are mutuals, but in the event that they dont, could you please forward this to them? because i want them to know that theyre indirectly inspiring a random person with their Just-For-Fun-Creation as well >< many thanks

Aw, anon this is incredibly sweet. I sent your message along to the others before I got around to this answer both because I wanted to make sure they saw it, and because I wanted to respond to this in a way that really reflects my gratitude.

It's honestly so tempting to start making ideas "a thing". I didn't really understand that until the last couple of years and let me tell you, there is a lot of pressure to do that. People like projects! They like updates! They love seeing the progression of a story and getting invested in that. I absolutely understand why people leave comments like "this should be a webtoon" or "you guys should make an animated series". In a perfect world, that'd be a dream! The temptation to do that and establish a base is also attractive because it can really form a base that gives numbers and comments, which artists of all stripes thrive on (myself very much included).

But what most people never really see is the downsides of that. From their perspective, a one episode animatic, a chapter or two of fic or few panels of a comic, isn't a lot. It's kinda disappointing, and I get that. For the creator though, there's any number of reasons that things fall apart. Personal differences with friends amplified by the stress of expectations. Creative burnout. Shutting down due to the sheer scope of the undertaking. These are all real, and it sucks to deal with.

For me personally, I know I do want to tackle trying to write more of ocean idiots, maybe even try to nanowrimo this shit (not in an actual month but you get the gist). But that's just me. If it bums me out or I put it to the side, then that's just my personal project to pick up later. If we tried to make it a series, then we'd deal with the stress of trying to keep up a schedule on top of lives (college, jobs, personal lives, etc). It'd take the joy out of these characters we love.

Some of the most fun I've had in the past few years I've been writing and creating has just been fucking around with my friends. Throwing silly au ideas back and forth and exchanging art and fics for no one but ourselves. There's a genuine satisfaction that comes from it.

Not everything has to be a big production. Artists don't make their magnum opus every time. They draw shitposts and write crackfic and make funny edits. It's healing to have something silly, something fun just for you, and to share it if you want. That can connect with people, great! But it can also just be for you. I could go on a whole tangent about social media and the commodification of attention/art but that's not really what we're here for.

I hope that whatever you create, anon, that it makes you happy. That it brings a little joy to your day. That you can have that thing you share with maybe just your closest friends to play with. Lord knows I need to remind myself of that too.

#melody rambles #also yeah man make that powerpoint #I love making slideshows they're so fun #it's quick easy communication #on a serious note for just the tags I have seen when making a Whole Thing™ goes seriously wrong #it can spiral out of control in several ways #the person in charge can keep dreaming bigger while demanding more from those working to make it happen #never listening to advice on keeping things in scope #it can drive people to the brink as they try to manage whole projects with some flaking out due to various reasons #it gets stressful. it gets rough #not to say that making a project isn't a fulfilling experience. It totally can be! #finishing fading reflections was an awesome achievement for me! #It's a challenge that can help you grow as an artist. #hope this finds you well anon #this really made my day

[dausy]

I attempted a circus elephant. Didn't quite turn out like I wanted but alls good.

I had a horrible headache since Thursday evening and its finally given way this late morning. I was over it but once it wore off I was able to do a lot of stuff. The weather was great today. I walked outside in a skirt and I was actually warm. Just a couple days ago I was layering up still. I don't think the weather will last. Last year there was a snow storm around this time of year so I'm sure its false spring. I think I do get a bit of seasonal depression. I like cozy cold of Thanksgiving and Christmas but once the holidays are gone I was hot weather now.

I purchased a jean jacket which I've never had before that I can ever remember and I purchased a couple base layer summer dresses to layer with it. I hope they don't look dumb is all. I'm ready for farmers markets and brunch and sitting outside in the warm weather.

I did a lot of backyard work. I mean I guess it looks better but Im no landscaper. I think my neighbors were looking at me weird as I was mowing the lawn. All the grass is flattened and dead and its possible its not even grass but just a web of weeds. But I was using the mower as a leaf vacuum to try and pick up all the leaves rather than rake them. I did rake a good 10 bags of leaves but I don't have enough room in my dumpster. There was also a dead bird D: I had to pick it up. Probably gonna be bugs everywhere soon. I honestly think tomorrow Im just going to buy a ton of soil and grass seen and cover the entire yard. Im aware Im moving this year but I cannot let the sticker/goathead get out of control like it was when we moved in. My dog needs the back yard.

I have some weird work drama too. I always wanna talk about it but Im afraid of privacy issues. My boss bought us sub sandwiches for lunch a few days ago and I ended up being forced to take them all home. Ive been eating cold cut subs for the past 3 days (maybe thats why I have a headache). I gave some to the gate guards and my dog walkers family. Still had a bunch remaining. My dog walker is moving too btw in a couple months T_T my husband should be back by then but still. She said she has a replacement for me if I need it.

I've also posted this everywhere bragging on my spouse. He really did call me several weeks ago like "uhhh can you show me your Lion King collection I think I made a mistake" he knows I like TLK products and collect them but he's as clueless about my collection as I am if he asked me to buy him a gun. Like Idk what to buy. I guess its a little different because I own..a lot...and none of it is on display because we've moved so much the past couple years. So I had to take him into my closet and show him my breakables based on the boxes. I knew he found something online. I just wasnt sure which one it was.

Ive briefly scoured the internet for some sort of TLK 30th anniversary anything and havent found much. So this was a surprise to me. I would have found it eventually (and probably real soon) so he's lucky he got it to me. It was a very nice gift. It looks beautiful on my computer desk. I wish I had some of my other figures out but they'd just have to go in boxes again in a few months. One of these days I'll get a display case.

#illustration #sketchbook #watercolors #sketch #drawing #realmedia #traditionalart #mixedmedia #artblog #animalart #thelionking #disneymerch #thelionking30thanniversary #elephantart #disneyinspired

[waywardgardenfury]

i (now) use arch btw

after a few months of not posting anything here, i finally managed to get arch working with awesomewm :)

initially when i tried a few months back, it was going fine until i could no longer hear audio for some reason lol. after searching for a solution i eventually gave up and retreated back to mint for the time being. after getting my infamous itch to just nuke everything and start again, i reinstalled arch and tried once again and i gotta say, its been going REALLY well.

the first time i ever attempted an install of arch (before archinstall was a thing) i somehow forgot to install a network manager and therefore couldnt really do much else. i really enjoyed setting it all up manually, but the fact that in the end i didnt really have it working was very annoying. the next time around, archinstall was there to back me up and its made everything so much easier!!! for me its broken down the barrier of entry significantly. i simply chose the desktop setup i wanted, and it chose the relevant packages. i went with a window manager rather than a full desktop environment this time around, more specifically awesomeWM. i wanted to go with something more bare-bones and configure it from the ground up so i could learn what sort of packages go into a full de. in addition people often talk about how much more efficient they find using wms, both productivity and resource wise. i see why! my entire operating system on boot uses like <500mb of ram, which is baffling that its possible. plus, the use of shortcuts of navigating around has been great.

i ended up going with awesome as nvidia has been absolutely the biggest issue with this whole process. for some reason my graphics card just HATES wayland which eliminates some options off the bat. ive had soo many issues in the past with it, so trying to use xorg is probably my best bet going forward and luckily its still a very popular choice, no shortage of resources for me. i did have a few issues setting it up on arch, as i wasnt really familiar with how to configure it at first but getting nvidia-settings it made it much easier for me for now.

pacman was an interesting change to get used to. discovering that it didnt have some packages that i have usually was interesting, but then shortly i discovered the aur and yay. it opened me up to a wide range of new packages that werent even on some of the package managers i had tried previously, like dnf and apt. in contrast to those, i found pacman and now yay much easier and incredibly fast to use. there just becomes more and more reasons to use arch every time i open it haha.

one of the things i havent got around to choosing is a file manager. having to navigate my files entirely by terminal has helped build the muscle memory of commands i didnt know before. plus may even be faster than i found previously? i may get around to setting up some aliases if i feel like i could shorten some tasks. using cli packages in terminal over graphical packages has helped me to learn git some more as well, which im sure will be useful for me in the years to come. in regards to the terminal too, im looking into switching to zsh instead of bash which i currently dont know what the difference is between shells or what they do exactly but ill find out.

i have only been using arch consistently for a few days at this point. and awesome is still pretty ugly, so the next task for me is to spice it up a bit with some theming. i dont have much, if any, experience with lua, which apparently is the language that awesome uses to write its dotfiles (also took me a minute to learn what dotfiles actually were). the last time i used lua was probably in roblox studio at like the age of 10 or something, so its been a while. i have a few articles and videos lined up that i need to watch for an introduction, so i already have an idea of where to start. with that said however, if anyone has any advice or tips send them my way!

now the obvious question for myself after this is what project am i actually going to do next? i want to actually develop software but i find it extremely intimidating. so there are a couple options for me going forward. one of the big ideas in my mind is developing a longer form game project in godot. i have developed smaller projects in the past to get used to the engine, but i want to try my hand at doing something over the course of multiple weeks. i have poor time management skills and tend to get sidetracked with other projects but i really want something i can chip away at every day for a few hours. and i think a game could be just that! plus, it gives me a creative outlet as well. i can make the music and art for that and combine a few hobbies into one.

arch & awesome has been definitely an interesting change to get used to, but it has been so fun! learning how to do everything myself has been what i have been craving and every day i regret abandoning windows less and less. i cannot sing the praises of linux and its community enough for scratching my brain in the right places! at some point i want to make a post detailing my full journey with linux, so keep an eye or two out for that.

if anyone wants to talk with me about any of this feel free to send me a message! dms are always open :)

#arch linux #linux #linux mint #solodev #game dev #AwesomeWM #distrohopping

[bbarican]

june 15, 2023; 2:26 pm - allergies again?

hi tumblr! how are you guys? i hope all of you are having a lovely day so far and i hope the rest of the week is kind to all of us

i wnted to come on here nung tuesday palang kasi this week has been making me feel really weird for some reason and i dont like it at all, tapos on top of that, may allergies nanaman ako and i hate it kasi ang kati ng lalamunan ko kasi ang daming gunk sa throat and ilong ko and i keep peeing kasi ang dami kong iniinom na tubig which isnt necessarily a bad thing pero gets and hassle kasi i go to the cr so often again

and wala lang, i guess i was just not ready for the long weekend to end kasi nga i was really happy being at the beach and then boom back to work and as much as i want to continue feeling that high, it just went out of the window so quick so i guess to put into words how ive been feeling lately, i guess im in a weird slump? and i wish i wasnt

but im sure naman tomorrow is going to be productive - i need to go to qc for a site visit so thatsalways exciting kasi that means i get to ride the train until the last few stops, tapos i guess ill just buy myself coffee din tomorrow as a little reward for getting through the week

but for now, i need to prep for tomorrow’s site visit since ang dami kong ichecheck, and then i need to drink vitamins and medicine para mawala na tong sipon ko plus drinks lots of water too, and just rest and just be ready for tomorrow kasi for today, i cannot be bothered for anything else

#bbarican #prsnl #thoughts #personal #life #writings #update #updates #work

[jqemfanfic]

Love in the Limelight, Chapter Two: Embarrassing Introductions - Side A

The black Mercedes van pulled up at the door of the meeting rooms on the stranger things set. I took a deep breath as the driver opened the door and i could see through the doors down the hall to the outlines of people moving around in the distance inside.

I hadn't been needed on set until now as I had done most of the work prior to others arriving. All the table reads and other meetings had already taken place. Today was the day before we actually start production. I just really hoped the brothers wouldn't make a big deal out of my new role on set this season. From our meeting i knew they were just as excited about working with me as i was of them but I kind of wanted to just become part of the furniture, no special attention. I didn't see why they would as this is my third season on the show but who knows.

All i can do it hope i come out of this unscathed.

The van pulled away as we walked into the building. I looked back at it as it drove away, part of me wishing it was taking me home with it as the nerves peaked. As we walked down the hall i had a grasp on my handbag a little too tight, feeling my heart race faster in my chest the closer we got to all people in the meeting room. Sam noticed me out the corner of her eye and gave me a knowing look mouthing you'll be great with a wink and a comforting squeeze on my arm. I nodded at her and took another deep breath as I opened the door.

"Hey guys" I said shyly, walking into the room followed by Sam who gave a small wave.

"Billie! Oh my god finally" a voice yelled from the corner of the room, looking to my left I saw Gaten coming over with his arms out, massive smile plastered on his face, ready for a hug. I smiled and hugged him back "hey! how are you? Have you gotten taller" I smiled into the hug. "Good, really good and no just more handsome" he laughed as we pulled away from our hug.

"What took you guys so long, ive had no choice but to hang out with these looser while i waited" Maya said coming up beside Gaten with Joe Keery. "Excuse you! I'm as much of a looser as you are not irritating" replied Joe pretending to be hurt. "Your excused" Maya responded, both of them laughing. I gave her and Joe a massive hug as I haven't seen them in months and we started chatting between us.

I hadn't had the chance to really say hello to anyone else or even scan the room before the brothers interrupted the room ready to make introductions.

Here we go.

If they start talking about me I have no idea what I'm going to do. Probably just die of embarrassment. I took a seat at one of the tables next Gaten and the others while the brothers started their welcome talk. I took the opportunity to do a quick scan of the room.

There weren't too many people, I was assuming it was just the main cast and main crew as I recognized a few faces of producers and key crew from the last two seasons. I exchanged a few waves and smiles with some poeple before I zoned out a little staring blankly at Mayas cup of coffee on the table, now wishing that I hadn't given mine to Sam.

Damn it. I need one.

"We also have our resident nerd here again this season!" Beamed Ross.

Fuck. God take me now, now is the time.

"She's been pretty busy lately so we are extremely lucky and grateful that she chose to be with us as opposed to a well-deserved vacation" he continued. "a vacation we are happy to pay for when this is done" Matt added, both laughing, others who knew me joining in.

I tried to laugh with them but I could feel the weird, embarrassed feeling in my stomach and my chest, making me slightly nauseous. They continued by listing off everything I had done since season 2 had aired like proud dads which made my heart warm, but the sick feeling got worse. I smiled shyly and rubbed the back of my neck wishing my chair would swallow me whole. They covered all my work with Disney, small side projects with Broadway shows and even up coming work with Obi Wan Kenobi.

My face burned bright red.

"Anyways, we couldn't have picked a better person to run our hellfire club, so welcome back Billie" the whole room started clapping and everyone looked my way with smiles. Gaten nudged my arm, giving me go on get up and thank them eyes. I glared at him but reluctantly i rose from my seat, playing with the watch on my wrist and making eye contact with the table more than anyone else. Deep Breath.

"Um thank you guys" I started rubbing the back of neck before putting my hands in my coat pockets. "I'm really honored that you guys thought me nerdy enough to bring me back" a small laugh from the cast and crew filled the room. This gave me enough confidence to look up and over at Matt and Ross who were smiling caringly in my direction. Both knowing how shy I was. I continued with how excited I was about being back and being so grateful to both the brothers for the oppertunity again. Third times the charm.

"Also, a heads up before you list off my work and gush about me because I want it on tape to replace my resume." I laughed, as did the brothers and the room before clapping for me again.

I went to sit back down but as I was doing so I caught the eye of someone in the other corner of the room leaning up against the wall next to Noah and David.

I did a double take.

He was Tall, curly hair, slight stubble, in a nice sage green jumper, kakis and Martins on his feet. He was smiling and clapping whilst looking right at me. Right into what felt like my soul with his warm brown eyes. I felt my stomach do a flip.

Holy shit that smile.

I noticed him looking me up and down a few times. I had to catch my breath as I reached my seat not reslly knowing what to do with myself in that moment. We didn't break eye contact for what felt like a whole minute, but in reality, could not have been more than a few seconds. I felt the color reach my cheeks as I smiled shyly before finally breaking eye contact.

Gaten gave me a good job nudge and the others reached over and touched my arm saying good job. I mouthed a thank you to them before sinking into the chair a little with a small smile. I bit my lip out of anxiousness. I wanted to look up again to get another look at him but I know if I look up again and catch his eye once more my heart will explode. I thought about it for a moment.

Fuck it.

I took a deep breath and looked up from the handle on Maya's coffee cup, looking instantly in his direction. My eyes were desperate to get another quick look. As I did, I saw that he was still looking at me with a slight smile, arms crossed, eyes still piercing into my soul. I couldn't help but smile back at him again before biting my lip to stop the smile from covering my whole face. The colour covering my cheeks even more and quickly averted my eyes back to the brothers.

Who is this guy?

#joseph quinn #stranger things #fanfic #smut #eddie munson

[tera-91]

More word salad

I know I just posted today, maybe yesterday depending on when I decide to post this. I was torn. What should I do with my time? If the last several days were any hint I probably wouldn’t be getting to sleep anytime soon.

I could be productive. I could go to my computer to do one of many things.

I could edit my youtube videos. But Im stuck. The video Im working on got a little garbled. The video is there but the audio is either lost or im not sure where it goes as I recorded it in several sessions. Unfortunately, I cant scrap it as it is part of a series and the remaining videos I recorded follow that. Should I just skip it for now and at least get the follow up videos edited?

I don’t really want to do that as I just spent im not sure how long. At least a few hours recording more of the series today. Im a bit spent on the topic.

I could go to my computer to work on another project but that would require talking. There is so much background noise as I live with other people. It wont work. Or at least I feel like it wont. That and I don’t really feel like talking in general. Its times like this that I wish I lived alone. I could make sure there was no background noise. Or at least no one would ask me why Im up at 3 in the morning talking to myself.

I could go to my computer to write. Which I am doing that but I mean should probably work on scripts. I want to do other content than what Im doing now and it would require scripts. Ive done it before but it takes so long to write, check over the script, record it, edit the audio as sometimes its takes a few tries at a line and then edit the video. If I did that I would only release a video every month, maybe every other month. Which doesn’t work for building a channel.

I could write a story. But what kind of story? I feel like I haven’t watch sanders sides in such a long time. Or at least I feel like I have lost touch with how I feel the characters personalities are like. Same thing about the ninja turtles. Its been forever and a day since I watched any of the series. Or the movies. It makes me want to just go on my phone and go down a rabbit hole of watching those things over again to get a feel of the personalities. But do I want to do that? I want to get off of just watching endless videos and get productive. Or do I write it anyway? I remember seeing stories before where the author puts ooc for a particular character. Specifically saying that the character is written in a way that is not how they are written canonically. Maybe I should just do that.  

I might do that after I finish writing this. Hey at least over 500 words is a start at something. Even if it is just a word salad of a map in my brain. A map that has been ripped to pieces and somehow transferred to there pieces of paper so some things are inverted and one is trying to put it back together. Probably by the time I am done with this it will be nearly 800 words. A thousand if I am lucky. Something to get my brain started. I loved writing out quick stories thinking they would just be 800 words or less and then they turned into 1500, 2000, sometimes even over 3000 words.

I read nearly all the stories I posted on here today while I had to wait for something. It was as if those words didn’t come from me. Like I wasn’t the writer and I was reading the story for the first time. Im not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Like I remember writing them, the titles familiar and all but its like I cant believe I wrote them. I don’t know where they came from. But the mild EMBARASSMENT I felt. Maybe its not embarrassment. Im not completely sure of the word but I felt I guess like I shouldn’t be reading them in public even though theres nothing bad or risqué in them. Although some spelling mistakes I realized while reading them were completely embarrassing. But the fluffiness of what I would write. I have no idea where that came from or how to get back to it. It almost made me feel sad. Or maybe disappointed too. The amount of time that has passed. Seeing comments of people wanting to be tagged in a story. I feel like I let them down because I didn’t continue with it. If I continued with it or even started it over and tagged them would they still be interested?

Wow writing that all down makes it sound like I am so sad or depressed. Hell I might be a little depressed. Mostly just disappointed maybe of where I am. A little frustration to. Feeling like my hands are figuratively tied. Wanting something so bad while not wanting it at the same time. Like Im self sabatoging myself while still wishing I had something that I currently don’t. But I swear I am not in the sense that Ive dealt with a time before that was worse than this. I mean literally depressed that I didn’t take a shower but once a week, just went to school and didn’t do nothing else with my days but do homework and laid in my bed. I just feel that if I don’t write this and post it I haven’t done anything. I haven’t started anything. These posts are nothing but pebbles to be moved out of the way so that larger mind boulders can be set free. To open a flood of stories and motivation that I know I have. I feel like I have lost my place but I want to get it back. I want to get myself in a better situation. Don’t get me wrong my situation is not bad I know people have it worse. I just want it to be what is better for me. I have been off and on writing a book for a long time. Longer than I want to admit. I met an author last year. I was lucky to ask for advise and get an answer. He said that I need to bury that book. Write a million words. Come back to that book a better writer. Im not sure how many words my other post was but this post will be atleast another 1000+ words towards that one million. Stream of consciousness writing to figure things out.

Well, I hope everyone had a good April 1! It is so hard to believe that it is April already. Pretty soon it will be my favorite time of year. Here comes the spooky season and no one can tamp down my excitement for what is to come in the fall. If I could I would live where there is perpetual fall weather. Halloween town if it was a physical place I could live. Play almost nothing but spooky season movies and tv shows. Oh you best believe that Lisa Frankenstein is a current fixation of mine. As soon as that comes out on DVD I will have my hands on it so fast and it will be on repeat for DAYS. I will probably watch it the first oh 10 times it plays and about every third time after that at least until Beetlejuice Beetlejuice comes out.

#tera-91 #sanders sides #tmnt #writing #rant #rant post #vent post #venting #blog #thoughts #feelings #inner thoughts #stream of consciousness

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[ayyponine]

sharing unexpected eye contact w a guy like... what are we

thinking about two entirely separate guys actually rip

one is a guy at a work meeting about a week ago who 1. had an extended chat w me before the official start 2. during which he asked how i was doing but after my "good" and update on goings on w the store, customers and products he asked again how i PERSONALLY was doing like?? uh good?? 3. also during the team meeting he was explaining like this and that and a good point which - what's your name again? (me: daphne) a good point which daphne brought up- i was like.. ok so i make an impression on you and i stand out frm the other girlies here orr.. not to mention w the prev meeting he also treated me like the most responsible person in the room to b trusted w things like ok you see me..

the other is frm two weekends back when i visited diff artists' studios and tbh i kept my visit to his short bc 1. i seemed to startle him by even being there 2. since there was no other visitor at the time he called the one on one tour "awkward" barely two minutes in rip (did offer me a drink though so idk mb i was welcome to stay) and 3. idk if he rlly knew what to do w my super positive and complimentary vibes on his artworks displayed. we also talked a bit abt the live drawing sessions hes hosting (he was surprised i had heard abt them before) and afterwards i was like damn why DIDNT i ever go to one of those theyre so reasonably priced and ive been meaning to give it a try fr ages? so i signed yself up fr it but instantly after considered dropping out again bc sure i was allowed to visit the studio and attend the drawing session like those are both open events but was the guy really comfortable? w my presence? should i bow out? except then last weekend while biking home a diff cyclist overtook me looked back & waved and it was the guy?? who apparently 1. recognised me frm the back, with my hood up (my coat is kinda distinctive tho i guess) 2. after that realisation instead of staying behind, ignoring or whatever went past, looked back, established eye contact & greeted me so first of all im massively relieved that id probably be welcome at the drawing session and hes not that uncomfortable w my vibes but also i am like. uh what are the implications

tldr local woman recieves acknowledgement from someone not obligated to do so. keeps thinking abt the encounter at least once a day

(tries to remember she recently got rejected by tinder match after a few promising dates so mb shes just. clinging to any proof shes still worthy of male attention rip)

#girl help im so lonely im romanticising brief human contact which should better remain strictly professional #special shoutout to work last weekend it was like fuken. dilf city up in there oh my god. one of the blessings of selling family fashion fr #not only do u see cool young women and doting older ones or fun couples. u see massively cool and/or cute kids and then trailing behind BAM

[wildheadtendsherhair]

2023/02/02

Skin Picking

Havent been on here a while since ive been picking so little, its hard to remember to post! Ill take that as a partial win. But anyway, can you guess why im back? Yep, its day 0 again. And surprise surprise, my skin is bumpy and red again. When i was still on my streak, its amazing, i could use however much lotion i wanted and not breakout. It truly wasnt any products, it was just me touching my face all the time. I still got blackheads, but they were so hard to see because they werent red. I was disappointed to to figure out that acne pads arent enough to get rid of blackheads. I think i have to at least scratch off the top layer? I dont know. Grr! Honestly tho when blackheads arent angry i find i dont mind them much. Hardly at all, actually.

Hair

Great. Still so short! I still look like a fairy pixie, but sometimes by nightfall i just look like an oily unkempt person, and its not because of sebum. Just something about the uneven ends and the short length. Tempted to get it cut, but theres not really any good options? Cutting off and inch would probably dramatically decrease the frazzledness, but not comletely eliminate it, *and* it would be an inch shorter. I only have four inches! I wish i kept more track of how fast my hair grows. Ive heard half an inch is average. See heres the thing people dont think about when trimming hair—its inherently temporary. If you trim half an inch, thats one months worth of growth. By the end of the next month, you'll have grown another half inch. But, the growth will be uneven. So youre back to where youve started, right? No wonder it felt like i could not grow my hair out past a certain amount once my mom started making me get "the split ends cut off". Itll probably all be worth it when it gets long. Unkempt but cool & cute wild animal [insert pic of Power]. That said, i do wonder how long itd need to be to get the dorky but clean Queen's Gambit haircut…

Diet

Still doing Weight Watchers. I hecked up this week, ate under. Ended up binging last night. But it was the first time in a long while, so im proud of what ive accomplished. Silver lining, i mean. It was a very sucky experience being that full. Painful, even. But ive recovered! And im gonna be more liberal with my points earlier in the day. No point in being cautious if i can always eat 0-point foods at the end of the day, and it becomes an imperative to not if im regularly hitting the end of the day with spare points. It was a bit of a successful experiment, because i wanted to see if me eating under naturally would hurt me later, and, well… But im a little worried, because me eating whatever and "lots" this morning has only led to a normal breatfast of ten points. And ive been eating until about an hour ago, so i may not be hungry for a timely lunch. :( But i am feeling peckish for a sub, so maybe soon ill order one and not shy away from the sauce. My point target isnt a minimum, its a, well, *target*! Wow! What a riddle!

Mood

Ive been on edge this week, after a week of feeling phenomenally well. I blamed it on work, but, maybe it was my eating? Or its a factor? Hard to say. I do have quite a few things started that i havent finished, and i think those are hanging on my mind; go long enough and it become tiring but you forget why. Its a hypothesis. Other than that, its been a great week. Started a cool playthru with some friends (and its a japanese project too), checked out warhammer for the first time and had a blast, study group has been great, i got back into DDR, and might go with a cool girl this weekend, i drew for the first time in forever and it turned out great (oh man i love my apple pencil). Fruitful month, january was. I might just need to remind myself to and practice relaxing. Worked for my sleep!

#no-pick challenge #day 0

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

So I recently started dicking around on nation states again. I have very little interest in the actual RPG part....I like rpgs in theory but whenever I actually try to play i get bored really fast....

Last time I played I actually did make an attempt to interact with other players but this time around ive just been deleting all the telegrams they send me asking me to ally with them or move to their part of the world. I'm enjoying it much more. But it also helps I had a theme for my country this time around. And it was apparently enough to kick artist brain into gear for the first time in weeks cuz uhhh

I spent 14 hours (give or take) working on this

I WAS going to make it in krita but my stylus battery died and it takes an AAAA battery which I don't really have just lying around (and walmart doesn't have them in store so I couldn't just go get one).

But id spent 2 hours last night going through the star names Wikipedia picking random constellations and recording all the named stars on the list in probably the least efficient way possible but I didnt really go in with a plan...just the vague idea of using constellations and star names somehow...and I knew if I didnt continue with it I'd lose steam and never finish AND I wouldn't be able to work on literally anything else the rest of the day.

So Stellaria is made up of 10 allied states. Each state is named after a constellation. I decided I wanted to use the shapes of the constellations to make the shapes of the states. But i didnt have any particular idea as to how I wanted to have it laid out. I was pretty sure I wanted it to be an island cuz its in the south pacific so an island made sense.

My initial plan for doing it on my laptop was to just draw a shape for an island and fit the constellations into the shape wherever I could. I think that wouldve eventually morphed into what I ended up doing with paper instead. But who knows. My brain goes in weird directions sometimes.

So stylus dying set me back a bit. Spent about 20 minutes staring at my sticky notes and my laptop while also scrolling through my phone trying to find some cheap AAAA batteries while also being annoyed that I wouldn't be able to work on it at all today since I would have to order the batteries.

So ultimately I decided fuck the batteries. I'll just get all the constellations sketched out on paper and label the stars so I'll at least have an idea what im working with. Cause despite liking constellations and stars and spacey shit in general I don't actually know too much about constellations and didnt even know what a few of the ones I chose even looked like. I'd never even heard of 2 of the ones I ended up choosing. I just liked their names.

Turns out not every main star in most constellations have names. Theyre numbered. But don't have actual names that I felt could work at city/town names. And some of the ones that are named aren't a part of the main body of the constellations themselves. I debated a bit on whether I should include them. But then I thought...well...island nations are very rarely one big land mass. Those could be their own smaller islands.

Unfortunately I didnt think about that part until id already outlined a few of the constellations (with the unconnected ones included) so I ended up having to refine the shapes quite a bit. Both while I was cutting the shapes out and then again while sketching the final product. But it worked out I think.

So I had all the shapes drawn in pen in my little notebook but I had no idea how the layout was gonna work. I tore out the pages they were on and looked up some star charts to try and figure out where the constellations were in reference to each other to try and get a layout that way.

Briefly considered adding all the other constellations on the star charts as their own states cuz then I wouldnt have to think about the layout as hard and just copy the star charts exactly

Ultimately decided against doing that because finding out the locations of the stars was bad enough the first time

Tried laying out the full sheets of paper and realized it would be a lot easier to figure out a way to lay them out if I cut off the excess paper

Tried using the star charts again but still couldn't get a layout I liked

Said fuck it again and just started positioning them where I thought they looked best. Knew I wanted certain constellations to face certain directions to create peninsulas and needed the smaller islands to actually be in water instead of touching another state. Found a layout I liked and realized i needed some paper to draw the rough draft on. In krita I had my canvas size set to the average poster size but I dont have paper that big so I had to dig through my sketchbook drawer to find something that would be a decent size. Ended up going with a large pad of Bristol board cuz I was starting to think I should maybe color code the states to keep track of all the little islands better so I wanted something kinda heavy duty since I wasn't sure what I was gonna use to color code them.

At first I just tried copying the outlines of the states id done earlier but I was having a hard time keeping track of which shape was which so I decided to erase everything I had and draw the constellations themselves first and then go back and add in the borders and coastlines after i sketched in the constellations. This worked much better.

I think im gonna make the unnamed stars in the main bodies of the constellations important landmarks. Eventually id like to flesh out the map more with bus routes and train track...hiking trails..bridges and main roads and all that stuff

Next on the agenda is gonna be creating a flag (im using the romanian flag on nation states right now. And also designing the currency. Theres a lot of general type stuff I need to do too but im gonna wait till ive been playing the game a bit longer so my country is a bit more establisbed

Anyway. Here's some more information on stellaria (spelled stelleria on the site cuz stellaria was taken.

Im not sure what I chose to make the police well funded but whatever. I mostly just like looking at my nation's stats and watching how different things affects them.

#i also wanna include the mythology surrounding the constellations some how #anyway #its 3am #i am tired #goodnight gay people in my phone

[myimmunesystemsucks]

5/18/2023

In January or February of this year I contracted COVID-19. I didn’t end up extremely sick, thankfully. I just felt like I had the flu. I’m thankful that nothing worse happened because I don’t have a great immune system (the title of my blog explains that). I think that because I was vaccinated and had a booster shot, I was better off. Around this same time I got engaged to my boyfriend of 10 years.

I haven’t had any big, notable events in my illness. I have been getting infusions of Rituximab every 6 months. The first few times I got an infusion, I had a reaction to the medication. My doctor told me this was normal because my body doesn’t understand what I’m putting in it. My throat would get itchy and swollen during the infusion. They combatted this by slowing down the rate of the medication. They also give me IV Benadryl and that helps a lot too. However, the Benadryl makes me a little loopy. I end up slurring my words and taking a nap most of the time while watching Animal Planet on the tv.

The one thing that has been very hard for me lately is that I can’t talk to any of my doctors about my joint pain because they automatically assume it is related to the fact that I am overweight. One of my doctors wanted to refer me to a physical therapist and I laughed. No thanks. I’ve done that before in the past. The only good part about it was the time that my physical therapist gave me a back massage after I did my stretches. I have lost a bit of weight but I’ve reached a plateau because I have been so busy with school that I was not able to exercise. I also obtained a job in July of last year that requires me to do a bit of physical work. It’s becoming a little too much for my body but at least it makes me physically active 3 days a week. Now that I am out of school, I am considering going back to doing low impact workout videos online. We will see how that goes because my depression has been hellbent on preventing me from doing productive things.

Sometimes I get mad when people who don’t have a similar illness try to comment on my pain. They try to tell me to change my diet, take essential oils, etc etc. I really don’t appreciate comments like that. I used to actively ask for support from others but now I don’t really say anything because I don’t want to hear opinions. When I say that I want support, I mean that I want it without opinions and suggestions. I don’t want opinions or suggestions unless I specifically ask for them. I’m even a little skeptical of people with my illness giving suggestions because I don’t know how true their statements are. Not everything works for everyone. People are all very different in the way their bodies work.

The last thing I wanted to talk about in this post was how I feel going to regular doctor’s appointments. I am referring to specialist appointments and my primary care doctor. My chronic illness has not only caused physical pain but also mental pain. I think I must have some trauma from going through the painstaking process of getting diagnosed. Anyone who has a chronic illness knows how terrifying it is to go through hundreds of tests before they can begin to consider treatments. There is a feeling of horror as your body rips you from the inside out. No one can see your pain besides you. Everything looks normal from the outside until it is too late.

Am I faking it? Am I losing my mind? Are my symptoms real?

Just as I am starting to heal the hurt inside of me, I find the wound reopened when I go to doctors’ visits. I felt “normal” for about 6 months and began to go back to my life. When I go to the doctor, I have to get more blood work done and tests. It “triggers” those old feelings of terror, trauma, and helplessness. I sob a lot after many of those medical visits. But I usually don’t let anyone see my tears because I know they wont understand. I only let my fiancé see me cry about my illness because I feel okay being vulnerable around him. I’m afraid of letting people know that I feel suicidal when Pandora’s Box opens and I see a glimpse at my reality. It feels good to put my feelings in this textbox, even if it doesn’t mean anything to anyone. Maybe my toxic thoughts will be released from me by writing them down.

- Callie.

#tw illness