sarcasticbabywhispererjess

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Four-Feet

I have done mostly what most men do, And pushed it out of my mind; But I can't forget, if I wanted to, Four-Feet trotting behind. Day after day, the whole day through -- Wherever my road inclined -- Four-feet said, "I am coming with you!" And trotted along behind. Now I must go by some other round, -- Which I shall never find -- Somewhere that does not carry the sound Of Four-Feet trotting behind.

Rudyard Kipling

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

It's been over 5 years since I started a PIV larger than a 24g... but tonight I went up to an acute care floor and put a 22g in a 3 month old. It looked enormous compared to the little ones I usually place. The 22g was also double the length of the 24g.

I"m low key impressed with myself and proud of my skills. Even my charge (who is also a PICC nurse) said she was impressed and said that she would've just placed a 24g. But I was just matching the size to the vessel and the baby had a solid vein in their wrist. We were also trying to get labs from the IV to save the babe a poke... which would've been harder to do from a 24g.

#nurblr #nicu #piv #skills #i used to place 20g all the time in adults #now a 22g looks like a hose #how times have changed

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

So I ended up buying both Isis pillows (plus two little pillow keychains... one is for my friend that lost her pup last year). Yesterday I got the mini-urn necklace that I ordered. Somehow the order got messed up and it came with a random (to me) date engraved instead of her name. The etsy seller was very responsive and promptly offered to remake it. I'd already put some cremains in the mistake necklace, so I'm going to wear it until I get the replacement. It's heavier than I thought it would be, so I think I'm going to get another necklace or ring where the cremains are integrated into the piece. That has always been the plan, but I knew it would take a while to make since I'd have to first send the artist some cremains and I wanted something I could have now. I'm also having a hard time committing to a design.

#dog #memorial #some day i'll post about something not related to my dead dog #some day #necklace #etsy #i need to pickup a call shift to pay for all this stuff #i mean i have the money already #but i'm kind of spending a lot #supporting the economy or whatever

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

I need to put a cap on how much I can spend to memorialize my dead dog because I want to buy all the things.

#dog #grief #buy all the things #I’m just wanting something to bring me a little joy #I want them both #they’re kind of expensive #but what else do I have to spend my money on now? #not a living dog #😭

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

We didn't get a lot of pictures together over the years, but there are a few I like well enough. Neither of us are particularly good models.

#dog #isis #adventures #pictures

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Yesterday was a particularly bad day. For no real reason. The grief waves were just hitting me. I still managed to make it to the gym somehow. But then I had mad insomnia and stomach pains. The stomach pains continued when I got up this morning. I've only had some coffee and a rice cake today (it's 2pm). I had just started to get my appetite kind of back. Guess I overdid it. Even my GI tract is grieving.

I miss my girl.

All I want to do it buy stuff to keep her memory alive for me and look at old pictures of her (Facebook is good for that since it has stuff from back before I got an iPhone).

#dog #dead dog #grief #grieving #i'm so alone now #not that it makes me want to socialize more #actually it makes me want to leave the house even less #but that's probably more the grief #she was more than just a dog to me #i miss her face #and her soft ears

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

❤️‍🩹

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Seeing the paw impression and fur swatch got the tears going a bit. I confused the poor front desk person when I said I was there to pick up Isis before I added ‘her remains’.

They called this morning about 5mins before her actual time of death to let me know I could come get her. I had grand plans to get moving and to the gym today, then pick her up on my way home. But I just couldn’t get my shit together until this evening. So now she’s coming with me on a walk… like we’d done almost every day for 15.5 years.

#dog #rip Isis

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

The floppiest ears on a happy girl. 🧡

#Isis #dog #gif #curly tail #beach

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

It has been sunny and beautiful for quite a few days now. Despite being so sad, I've forced myself out into the sunshine. That first walk without Isis was really hard. Subsequent walks without her have been weird, but there have been less tears. There are so many dogs in Seattle that I can't avoid being reminded that I don't have one anymore.

On my walk today I was thinking about when Isis began to decline in health. It was after I got her teeth cleaned for the first time two years ago. She was at the vet all day and came home with a gnarly upper respiratory infection. Then her weird swollen eye. Then another URI. I don't remember precisely when her degenerative myelopathy started... maybe a year or so ago. That, in turn, caused her recurring UTIs. Also, did she have doggy dementia (cognitive dysfunction syndrome) or was it just the frequent infections that would make her agitated?

She was so healthy and spry at 14 before I got her teeth cleaned. Am I the cause of her worsening health? Would this have happened no matter what? Did that virus trigger some kind of autoimmune thing that I didn't catch and intervene before it got bad? Would she have gotten degenerative myelopathy and UTIs? Did me trying to treat what we though was the cognitive dysfunction syndrome with sedatives make her worse?

I know I can't go back in time and change my decisions. And maybe Isis's health still would've worsened in that time had we never done that teeth cleaning. But I'll never know. Maybe I would still have my dog. My baby.

I know 16 years is a long time. I know I'm lucky to have gotten so long. But I'm selfish. I wanted longer. I wanted forever.

#i'm so alone now #maybe this would be easier if i had someone close #anyone #but i don't #i know i'd still be taking it hard #at least at work i can turn it off #just go about my business #though it was weird this morning knowing i had no reason to rush home #no reason to put my shoes away #no reason to close the gate to the yard immedately #or at all #i miss her so much #guilt #grief #loss #rip isis

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

I joked a while back that Isis's passing was going to be great for my weight since I knew it was going to destroy me. So far I'm being proven right. Not that I'm doing it the right way. I'm vacillating between complete lack of hunger, slight hunger, or stomach aches.

I cried doing the dishes this morning since I was washing Isis's bowls.

#grief #loss #dog #geriatric dog #i'm either numb or crying #this sucks

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

😢

#rest in power #dog #keepsake #grief

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Had a stroll and little photoshoot down by the ship canal and a steak dinner. Tomorrow we’ll walk and get some bacon before we go to the vet. 😢

#yep this dirty vegan cooked a steak #it was gross for me #but I love her #and I wanted her to have a good meal #I’m glad she was able to enjoy it #and I didn’t wait until she was too far gone #I know I’m doing what is best for her #even if it hurts me #dog #no more suffering #or discomfort

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

*trigger warning* For those not in the headspace to see about grief and pets just skip this one.

Isis has been declining health-wise over the last year or so, more severely the past couple of months. I honestly wasn't sure she was going to make it into the new year or her birthday (a week ago). The only reason she's even been eating the last few months is because I've been making her chicken and eggs with toast and cheese twice a day. Occasionally she'll be hungry enough to eat a little dog food, but it has been rare. But the fact that she still wants to eat a majority of the time gave me solace.

Her mobility has also gotten worse. Specifically her back end. She struggles to get up on the couch... and stay on the couch when she lays down too close to the edge (she just slides off onto the floor if I don't manually move her over). Our walks are really slow going (30-45mins/mile). The last couple of days she's really been struggling and has been pretty agitated too. Just walking in circles. Yesterday I think she was doing that outside and she fell off our little patio into a small garden plot. She couldn't get herself up alone. I gave her trazodone Monday night because she was so agitated. For some reason this kills her mobility, so I had to carry her up the stairs to go potty even in the morning.

I don't mind doing all of these things for her (I haven't even mentioned the amount of indoor potty accidents I've had to clean up... which also sometimes include a bath) because I love her. But I don't think she's even remotely having a good time anymore. I thought when she stopped eating, I'd know. Or when she wouldn't go for walks, I'd know. People have been telling me that I'd know when it was time. She's still eating and going for walks, but she's so agitated at night (sometimes during the day) and just seems like she's not having a good time.

So I think it's time. Time to let her go. Which is hurting my heart so much to even think about. I know it is an act of love to stop her suffering, but to suddenly be without my only constant companion of almost 16 years is going to be so hard. I know it is selfish to be thinking of my own comfort in this situation, though I doubt it is all that unique of me.

I emailed my vet last night about the situation and they replied this morning asking me when I'd like to come in. I've been crying and torturing myself about the decision for the last two hours. To think that this time Friday or Saturday she'll be gone depending on my decision. I considered maybe we could just wait until after I finish my work week. But that means the earliest we'd probably do it would be Thursday of next week. Would it be fair to Isis to make her suffer for another week just for me? I don't think she's in any considerable physical pain, but mentally she's doesn't seem great. Like her doggy dementia is also getting worse. I considered maybe she had another UTI, but she doesn't have any other symptoms.

If I'm honest, I think in the back of my mind I'm hoping that if I wait maybe she'll just pass on her own and I won't have to make the decision. I've been back and forth between emailing the vet to set a date and emailing to say I want to wait until next week. I don't know what to do.

This venting/trauma dump has gone on way longer than I had planned. No decision has been made, but I've cried many more tears.

#dog #geriatric dog #grief #unedited #i can't read through this again #i have a headache from crying

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Officially 16 years young as of yesterday. Wasn’t sure we were going to make it, but we are still chugging along. Did I spend $4 on freshly prepared bacon at our local, slightly bougie, grocery store? Of course. She LOVED it. Obviously, it was bacon. 🥓

#dog #geriatric dog #16 #old lady

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

#crochet #amigurumi #peeps #bunny #yarn #trying to make enough for all the babies in my NICU on Easter

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

I had to make a phone call to switch my “home gym” to out here in WA from CT and talk to people in person. It was a lot for me. It seems dumb, but my neurodivergence made it a nearly impossible task. I’m proud of myself.

Next big task will be to move my money from my bank back east to a credit union out here. We’ll see how long that takes. 😋

#adhd #PDA #pda autism #autism #gym #planet fitness #neurodivergent