#Instead I just get depression and low circulation

[vicsy]

are u okay vic? sending love xx

(hateful ppl only have hate in their sad lives and try to bring everyone else down to their depressing level, don’t listen them!!)

frankly, anon? no, i am not.

and if you think about it, it's incredibly stupid to be all torn up because of a fucking sport I watch for general enjoyment but what else is new? i got into f1 when life hit the absolute possible low for me and it helped me immensely through it all, still does, and i found so many friends and wonderful people and i started writing again. it's pure fucking escapism coming back to bite me in the ass.

it hasn't been great to be an f1 fan lately because of events I don't need to be recapping - it's all out there in its disgusting glory, all over social media every single day. we're just being reminded of how rotten the core of this sport is and how high of a role money and power play. it's not new but disappointing nevertheless, considering there isn't much we can do to try and fix that.

but the hate among us, the fans? it's getting out of hand.

i will never go out on my way to police anyone's behaviour (it is never justified) but clearly there is a line between haha jokes and pure fucking malice. there is having genuine, critical conversations you can have (recently had one with my close friend and it was so refreshing to talk instead of secretly talk shit) and using this sport as a yardstick to measure someone's morals. it's been happening more and more, considering recent comments made by drivers in regards to the ongoing case that deals with harassment. that opened a can of worms that made ALL of us unhappy and even more disappointed, in one way of another. there is expressing genuine opinion and then there is being a hater because it's a trend.

are all Charles fans insane? are all Daniel fans delusional misogynists? are all Lando fans insufferable pricks? are all Max fans outright racists? are all Lewis fans stuck up? I could go on and same sentiment goes for each team on the grid. can we rightfully define someone by who they are a fan of? are we all required to make a statement each time a driver says/does something mindnumbingly stupid in order to, god forbid, not get cancelled along with that driver? can we genuinely bring a driver up without shitting on the other or is it not mutually exclusive?

there has been a barrage of hate towards several drivers and i get it, i do, it's sports, we're always gonna get like this. it's the whole spirit of it. i am not saying we can't root for someone and talk shit about the other. but again, i am seeing the waves of hate getting bigger and bolder, assumptions being made on the spot. people openly calling each other stupid over being fans or having a different opinion. in some ways any sense of compassion and critical thinking is dead in a ditch.

it wasn't like this before, if i am honest, but i am also a rather new fan. i am seeing all sorts of stuff on my dash both from people i don't know and from people i do know. it's a knee jerk reaction, to go and judge someone by posts and stuff, i know it but i made myself not do that. but i am just afraid of this ongoing trend of hate. i really am.

it just seems like there is no margin for error. your fave can either be squeaky clean, completely unproblematic, or they should be shot on sight. it doesn't matter if any of us acknowledge it or not. for some reason, it's a "you are what you eat" situation. and i find it rather unfair. you can separate person and a driver. two things can be true at once etc etc. none of it warrants wishing actual harm on other people.

so yeah, sorry for a rant. i'll stop now and, for what it's worth, i have been trying to unlearn the ways of "people pleasing", so here are just my thoughts that i don't think many will agree with but i don't want to bend under whatever popular opinions circulate here (especially by "big blogs"). i'd rather have people talk to me personally and i am always open to having a conversation, making friends and discussing opinions. those at the head of f1 management don't seem to do better but us tearing each other apart can also mean that we aren't doing any better, too. at least i personally think so. don't take my word as a generalized opinion.

thank you for the message, anon, i appreciate it. sorry again to be Like That. big hug!

#asks #personal #not tagging it #also the hate Lance got for his crash will never not be astounding

[menalez]

(sent to swaglet first & she cried) DID Alters OR Something More Tragic? A radblr investigative reporting story: When news broke several months ago that the tumblrs femmesandhoney, butchlesbian, flowerlygirls, malewaifbeater, swaglet and mysterycatcowboy (misspelled moidchan) were all the same person and just DID alters, radblr was shocked and concerned. I took it upon myself to get to the bottom of this mystery. I would spend the next months traveling to each of these tumblr’s home cities, I would interview those who knew them, and I would scour the archives searching for answers. It was not DID alters I discovered but something more tragic. During the 2018 winter olympic games femmesandhoney, butchlesbian, flowerlygirls, mysterycatcowboy, malewaifbeater and swaglet were on a bobsled team. They were all the closest of friends.During their time at the winter olympic village one of them murdered a male member of a rival bobsled team. Rumors have circulated he was trying to harm one of the girls and one of her teammates stepped in to save her. They were rushed out of the country in a hurry, everything hushed up. Their troubles didn’t end when they were safely back home. The dead male was the son of a powerful family and assassins were sent after each of them. Officials urged them to keep a low profile, but they refused to be intimidated, they all lived together in a single apartment and felt safe together. I learned from my interviews that flowerlygirls and malewaifbeater were in love and dating for years, mysterycatcowboy and butchlesbian were sisters, and femmesandhoney a hey mamas lesbian had romantic relationships with both of them at a certain point and was currently dating swaglet. The female camaraderie, that all changed the night the assassins stormed the apartment. Malewaifbeater used her body as a shield and saved flowerlygirls from being attacked, though malewaifbeater was rushed to emergency surgery and barely survived the night. Swaglet was in the bath at the time and fought off an assassin trying to drown her, and she successfully managed to drown him instead. The other three refused to go down without a fight, working together they took down the assassins with kitchen supplies and a toilet plunger, it was femmesandhoney’s idea to create a fire bomb, and in the explosion all of them were blasted away from each other and the apartment burned to the ground. The close call with death changed everything. For their own safety their deaths were faked, their new identities created, and they were sent to different cities around the world. Each woman was told she was the only survivor. For the past couple years each woman in her own way found her way to radblr, each lonely and depressed thinking she was the only survivor. Malewaifbeater never stopped loving Flowerlygirls, she has a hidden half burned picture of the two of them buried deep in her closet in the back of a photoframe, only their embracing hands visible, their faces burned away, and some nights she isn’t sure she remembers what she looked like. Flowerlygirls has trouble kissing other women, each time she cannot help but remember her old love. It must have been fate when the two became friends on radblr, never realizing they were interacting with the love of their lives. Mysterycatcowboy and Butchlesbian still cry on each other’s birthdays. Swaglet still has nightmares and wakes up calling out for femmesandhoney, and she has not taken a bath since. And Femmesandhoney? She is the one who has lost touch with her roots the most, she blames herself, thinking her bomb killed them all, the guilt never fading. An interview with a close friend of hers revealed that out of all of them femmesandhoney is the one who truly thinks her new identity is the real her, she has forgotten her past, a coping mechanism no doubt. It’s why she likes them all on radblr but has found better friendships with the popular radfems instead, the only thing she has kept is her hey mama lesbian roots and reportedly has four current girlfriends. This is the tragic truth of the bobsled team.

wow swaglet is such a chad for drowning a man in the bath she was taking but im sad she hasnt taken a bath since then

#shook that femmesandhoney has 4 girlfriends rn. she rly is a hey mamas lesbian...

[imstillhere-butallislost]

1 Year On Testosterone, Androgel Timeline Update

June 10th marks my 1 year on testosterone, and although this post is probably posted after that date, I thought i'd make a big 1 year update on my timeline on (low dose) androgel. Here you'll find my thoughts on using gel instead of shots, my current and future transition plans ,thoughts on still not passing one year on T, and my full timeline of changes. I imagine this will be a very long post, so buckle up. Feel free to ask or DM me any questions

My starting dose in June of 2022 was 1 pump of 1% androgel daily, which has 12.5mg of testosterone. In December of 2022 my dose was upped to 2 pumps of the same gel, so 25mg of testosterone applied daily. The gel has the same consistency as hand sinitizer and dries within 20 or so seconds when applied. The gel has risk of transferring to other people or harming pets, especially within that first hour of applying. If you go on gel, be careful about tranfering it to people who might not want extra testosterone in their system. That being said, one year on androgel, and I have had no issues with tranfering the gel to other people or harming my 2 cats and dog. I started off applying the gel to my left upper arm and shoulder, but occasionally switched to my right arm and shoulder, but recently have been applying the gel to my abdomen

Now onto the timeline part

The immediate and most impactful effect was the change testosterone had on my mood. I struggled with depression for all of my life, and suddenly that was just gone.
One year on T, and I am happy (as well as EXTREMELY surprised) to say that I don't have depression anymore. I have a lot more energy, I'm rarely sad these days, let alone depressed. This won't be the case for everone, but it was the case for me. 4 days on testosterone I was flexing as I passed mirrors, not proud of that

one. I also noticed that my general body temperature went up, I have bad circulation so my hands used to always be cold, and that has lessened. Also within the first

month, I noticed increased hair growth. Stomach hair, and also hair where I applied the gel on my arm. Just a little bit more, but noticable. My labido went up a lot, like it was insane. I was able to gain muscle mass easier. I started growing hair on my thighs, which I never had before. I also noticed a small amount of facial hair growth.

Not many more changes happened until my dose was upped in December, because I was started on a really, low dose and still am on a fairly low dose. after getting my dose upped to 2 pumps of gel, I did start actually noticing bottom growth, but looking back i'm sure I did have some amount of bottom growth before December, but it definitely got more noticable when the dose was upped. Around mid February, my voice had some drastic changes. The median of my voice used to be 190-200hz, and now it's 130-140hz. Technically in the "male range", but I still don't think my voice passes, maybe it's androgynous. The voice drop was rather sudden, although not extremely drastic. I had to sort of learn how to speak properly again without my voice cracking, not being used to the new range. Before my voice even got lower, I knew it was going to drop soon because I noticed it just couldnt go higher like it used too. My voice drop started with losing the higher range rather then going lower. I've noticed that my body fat has I think begun to redistribute, I hold a lot of fat in my stomach rather then hips. I never dealt with much acne on my face, but my back around the left shoulder where I first applied my testosterone has a lot of acne. Hair growth has continued, which honestly has been one of my favourite things. I never thought i'd have such a strong attachment to stomach hair. I still have my period, which absolutely sucks.

Thoughts On Not Passing One Year On T

I'm still not where I want to be one year on T, and that is a little bit hard on me. I'm not saying I regret it, because testosterone is the best thing that has ever happened for me, but it's a special kind of hurt seeing other people with the same timeline that i'm on that pass while I still don't. which is exactly why I think I wanted to add this part in here. I still don't pass as male, while being one year on T. I think maybe starting T made me feel more present in my body, which is good, but also led me to have to really face all of the dysphoria and issues I have with myself. I used to be able to ignore it by dissociating, without even realizing that that's what I was doing. Being misgendered has just begun to hurt more, because now it feels like a failure on my part (or my bodys part) because I can get angry, asking myself why after a year on tesosterone I still am not passing. It leaves me afraid, I think. Maybe I always testosterone was THE thing I needed and then i'd pass consistently after just a couple of months, but that just didn't happen for me. I assumed that it would just be easy. I think that has to do a lot with the culture when I came out. People didn't share timelines if they were unhappy or non passing, or if they did they were laughed off the internet. This is because I started questioning my gender around 2016, and came out in early 2018, where "SJW TRANS CRINGE COMPILATION" was like... the norm on YouTube.

People shared a lot less of their struggles in fear of being lumped into that and being harassed, or they just felt like maybe during those times the passing trans people should take the stage because it was easier for cis people to digest and understand. I don't blame anyone for not sharing the hard parts of their medical transition, because this is very personal stuff and people will question you if you say youre not 1000% happy to be where you are, but i'm glad that I see more people talking about not being satisfied with how their transition is going, and how they still don't pass X amount of time into being on testosterone. It's nice to see posts and videos and timeline updates like that. These things take different amount of times for different people, and that's alright.

It's hard, but I'm alright with it. The fact that I am where I am at all is something i never thought i'd get to at all. I'm proud to be where I am, when I think about it.

Testosterone has helped me greatly. I'm a happy person now, happiest i've ever been, and I see a future for myself now. A very happy one. Without even passing, testosterone has helped me so much. Just internally. I don't know how much of my happiness comes from just having consistent hormone levels everyday, or if my depression was just all a manifestation of background dysphoria that is being directly treated by hormone therapy now.

On Gel Vs. Shots and Dosage

I'm not really sure what made me decide to take gel rather than the shots, but I was adment on gel. I don't know how I feel about that decision in the long run.

For cons about the gel, it's expensive.

Around $200CAD every 2 months. It's really hard without insurance. I don't think my changes have been slow because of gel,

just because of my low dose. It's hard to contact my endo, and they even sent bloodwork paper to the wrong location, so generally it's been a bit hard to get my dose upped. I also started T as a minor (17) so that is specifically why I was kept on a low dose to start with. I'm assuming that now that i'm an adult, it will be easier to get my dosage upped. Being on the gel I also kind of feel, not left out, but not really a part of the classic transmasc doing their T shot experience, which I did always assume i'd do when I was 12-13 and I first came out because I didn't know gel was an option. These days, there's more talk of gel and patches, which I think is definitely good for people exploring their testosterone options.

For pros of gel, consistant hormone levels daily is very very good for me I find. There's no big spikes and low lows like there would be with weekly or biweekly shots, it's just daily consistent levels. I can feel kind of bad if I miss a day of gel, which i'm unsure if that is caused by me mentally knowing that I don't have testosterone for that day. or if that's actually just due to not having the regular hormones that I get daily. This is one of the reasons Why i'm unsure about switching to shots despite the expense of the gel. I don't think I would do good at all with such major fluctuations to my hormone levels, and it's not something I really want to play around with in fear of my mental health declining again with big hormone fluctuations like that. I also like the little daily routine of putting on gel everyday, it fits into my routine well and I feel i'm more likely to remember a daily routine rather then weekly or biweekly

I think often about maybe switching to shots, but I just don't know if the increased risk to my mental health with big hormone fluctiations is at all worth it.

I'm hoping to ask my endo about 1.62% gel and if its available in my area, because it has a higher concentration of testosterone and one pump would nearly be my current dose of 2 pumps of 1% gel, so id need to refill it the same amount of time for a bigger dose, instead of doing 3 pumps of the 1% gel, which I would need to refill more frequently which would cost more money more often.

Uncertainty of Medical Transition

This may be a shock considering i've been talking about how much medical transition has helped me, but I want sure if I even wanted to go on testosterone at all at one point. I've been out for from ages 12-18, and flip flopped on what I wanted many times. I knew I wanted to be on testosterone when I first came out, but that waned with time. I think after being out for so long without medical internevntion, the idea seemed so far away, I sort of let myself believe that it would never be able to happen. I let myself believe that maybe I didn't want to medically transition, becuase it was easier then addressing the fact that it would take a lot of time and it would be a hard process that I didnt know how to start it. It was a hard, confusing process to get hRT as a minor. There want just a quick guide for my area that I could find, if there was one at all it was in the depths of a website that hadnt been updated in a decade and was hard to traverse. I was at the appointment to get my perscription, uncertain about it. I took the step anyway, holding on to that sliver of hope that maybe I could actually have that life I dreamed of as a child

It turns out that going on testosterone was the best decision i've ever made. I'm glad, and i'm very lucky, that I stepped into the unknown.

The Future of My Transition

I'm largely happy, hoping that my testosterone dose gets upped again soon. I'm hoping to actually start passing with an upped dose, too.

I'm in the process for top surgery, which is another thing I thought could NEVER happen to me. So far out of reach, for more fortunate people, but this month i'm going to be sending all my forms in to see if my top surgery can get covered. I could have top surgery within the year. I have never been more happy in my entire life.

I think that's really all, My life is going good. I'm generally happy with my medical transition, despite not being exactly at the point where I want to be, but every single day gets a little bit easier for me. Feel free to look back on some of my other update posts, which i'm sure go more in depth, and of course ask me any questions. I'm happy to share, I know timelines on gel are a little bit harder to find.

If anybody is reading this who is considering testosterone, debating gel, or early on testosterone and trying to map out what their future will look like, I want to say hi hi hi hello. You'll be alright. You'll figure it out. You can not medically transition ever. or do it later in your life, or go on testosterone and then go off if you decide it isn't right for you. I genuinely believe that everything will all work out. Take your time, enjoy your life, there is community out there for you.

#testosterone update #testosterone #testosterone timeline #androgel #t gel #testosterone gel #1 year on t #low dose testosterone #ftm #transmasc #trans man #gay transmasc #I think that's all the tags I need #feel very free to share

[loirekai]

January 8, 2023

Dose of the Day : The Lost Sheep (My Wholesome Personafuckinality)

Last day before yesterday, as I opened my Pinterest app I saw a 30 day journal challenge I don't wanna challenge myself to that 30 day-ish. But I still wanna write all of those atopic down maybe not everyday or in particular days, I'll just write where my mood is set up.

On that challenge on the 1st day it says "describe your personality". It took me 2 days to think what my personality is? I don't know if I'm good or bad all I know is that I have this constant darkness mindset that circulates my brain blood vessel.

So to start it up, I consider myself as nice? I think because I do always try to see a positive perspective of a person instead of focusing or looking negative them.

Okay fine! This Tumblr and nobody knows me so I will not sugarcoat. (PS: This is harder than a job interview, this is a low-key self evaluation shit).

Anyways, I am the kind of person who always wanted to see other people in a positive way, I may hear some negative things about them but I'll always find a way to convince myself, "maybe they just got the wrong idea about him/her" or "maybe we should know them better before judging hom/her".

I consider myself a supportive one, I support whatever decisions you have come in your life no matter how many times you betrayed me.

I describe myself as highly opinionated, I always have a lot of something to say when it comes to this, this and this. Some people are annoyed by my opinion. Sorry for that.

I am a person who seeks practical solutions. Every time I have to solve a problem I always find a way to seek practical solutions and if not working I'll always look for an alternative to solve problems that will end the same result as I wanted and expected.

I'm boiling hot tempered, I will feel uneasy every time things don't go through as much as I expected.

I am a goal planner and getter, I love setting up things and always wanted to get them till they are already removed from my list. And that shit stressed me out every time I think of them.

I'm very good at faking. I fake my laugh, smiles and sometimes conversation I'm not interested in to.

The worst description about me is that I have these undying suicidal thoughts, dark minds that are very unholy, agony, depression and despair and even the unlimited anxiety. It may sound a problem but that is my dark side personality.

I am not perfect, I may be nice to others, sometimes rude and a bitch but most of my alone time I am a lost sheep. And yes, just like in the bible. I am a lost sheep, wanting to go back from the flock but I just don't know how and which way to go.

I hope and pray I can find the place I should be.

#life quote #love quote #love quotes #my writting #new writing blog #sad thoughts #writters on tumblr #i'm sad #original poetry #friends

[hammeredalcoholic]

Backseat Serenade

inspired by: Backseat Serenade by All Time Low

oh god, i’m sick of sleeping alone

i finished it. 4k+ words and 10 full pages on my google drive. you’re welcome.

rated: nsfw/18+

One thought harassed your mind over the last week, staying in the back of your head as a menacing reminder. It had been months since you last felt this way, why was it suddenly rearing its ugly head back into your life? 

Oh wait, that’s right. 

Everything in your life had unceremoniously crashed down upon you, barely giving you enough space to breathe.  School was just becoming a reminder that you no longer had friends, no one to sit and chat with, no one to study for the upcoming exam with, no one even bothered looking in your direction. 

In simple terms, it hurt. You knew that you’d been an outcast your whole life, generally not fitting into the scene, but when you’d gotten into a relationship with Josuke Higasikata, that changed everything dramatically. You had people to talk to, people to hang out with, and overall have a good time together. 

Yeah, they were a weird bunch, but it’s not like that mattered to you in the slightest. It just felt good to have people who supported you, and wanted to be your friends. 

But, that only lasted so long. You and Josuke had been dating only a year when things started falling apart. Not agreeing on things, fighting at the drop of a pin, and awkward tension and silence was shared whenever you hung out with his friends. It hurt, but you knew it wasn’t going to last. 

So it was a mutual agreement between the both of you. Part ways so that it didn’t get worse. Josuke had said that he still cared about you, and if you needed anything to just call him and ask him. You had laughed at that internally, you knew you wouldn’t let yourself stoop that low, crawling back to your ex because you were insecure and lonely. 

When you felt the loneliness and sorrow creep into your mind for the first time, you didn’t know what to do. So, thinking logically, you took the next best step. 

You stole hard liquor from your parents cabinet, went to the corner store down the street and bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, along with a mixer. That’s the night you climbed onto your roof, looked up at the stars, which reminded you of Josuke, and got blackout drunk. 

It had worked for awhile, smoking cigarettes at lunch instead of eating, and as soon as you finished your homework at home, you poured yourself a tall drink. It numbed the pain, and got your mind off of the loneliness corrupting your mind. 

That was until you had gotten so drunk that you were puking until 4 am on a school night. You decided it would be best to not go to school tomorrow anyways, but the drinking was starting to wear on you, and it wasn’t having the same effect that it used to. 

So you looked for other methods. 

Which involved sleeping with people you barely knew. You never once slept with someone that went to your high school, the thought of rumors circulating about that was too much of a burden to bear.  You had three main choices, from which you circulated between:

 A tall black haired man with aquamarine eyes that barely spoke to you during your run-ins, which was fine, you didn’t want to talk to him anyways. A slim artist that you knew was famous but you didn’t care enough to actually look him up, and a normal business man with blonde hair who was maybe a little too obsessed with your hands. 

But none of them compared to Josuke, in your mind. It was just sex-- no emotions, just primal need for pleasure and release. With Josuke, he cared about what you were feeling when things got steamy, he wanted to learn everything that made you feel good, so he could repeat it time and time again. 

With the other men, they didn’t want that. They wanted to see a twitching body beneath them, and you knew that they didn’t care who it was. 

Sleeping with the three of them lasted you about a year. You were getting better, at least having the knowledge that 3 men in this stupid town thought your body was attractive. But that didn’t last long either. You had suddenly been fired from your job, without any reason. It was the one thing that you looked forward to, making iced coffees for middle aged moms, who didn’t ask you questions or ignored you. 

Your parents weren’t helpful after that, they thought you were a bum that couldn’t keep down a steady job. It pissed you off to no extent. You didn’t know why you were fired, as far as you knew you had been doing everything right. After that point, you had nowhere to turn. Cutting off all activity with the other men, you barricaded yourself in your room, barely going to school. 

It’s not like it mattered anyways. 

Depression was hard to deal with, as you soon found out. The three men had been trying to contact you, leaving messages on your phone, and some of them even sounded concerned for your well-being. Whatever, you didn’t reply anyways, they weren’t anyone that you wanted to talk to. 

So there you stood, leaning against the open window in your room, smoking the third cigarette you’ve had today. It felt good- the rush of nicotine to your system, flooding out the overwhelming numbness that coursed through the pit of your stomach. The sun was high in the sky, and you heard the bustling of the city, along with cars driving past your house. 

You felt calm. 

That was until your phone started going off. The ringer cut through your thoughts like a sharp knife, and you pulled it out of your pocket. Who the fuck would be calling you? Your parents were at work, and as far as you knew, the three men had stopped trying to contact you about a week ago. 

Glancing down at the screen, you felt your blood turn cold. 

Josuke Higashikata.

 The screen flashed, the old picture you set as his contact a long time ago appeared. Why? What did he want? You had no idea what you were doing, and your fingers answered the call and brought it up to your ear without your consent. 

“Hello?” You heard him say, but you couldn’t reply. Your mind was racing with thoughts that all consisted of the word, why? Why now? What did he have to say? 

“Hey.” You replied momentarily, shaking your head of all thoughts. He’ll explain himself in time, so you just have to listen. Shifting your gaze back down to your cigarette, and taking another drag. 

Josuke coughed slightly, and you could tell he was uncomfortable. It didn’t sound like he was going to say anything any time soon, so you took pity on him. “What’s up?” You sighed, staring into your front yard. 

“I just- um. You haven’t been at school lately.” Wow, very observant of him. You didn’t think he’d keep an eye out for you after you’d broken up. “Yeah, what about it?” You replied, biting back on the stern tone you almost let out. 

“Well, I wanted to know if you were okay. This seems very unlike you.” Josuke said, concern prominent in his voice.

That surprised you. 

“I’m alright.” You replied, lying through your teeth. He didn’t know that all of this was because of him, and you didn’t plan on giving him anymore than that. He didn’t have the right to know, anyways. 

“If that's the case, then I want to see you.”

He what? No, no, no. Your mind screamed at you, telling you that this wasn’t okay in the slightest. “Why?” You replied dumbly, letting your mouth move before your mind caught up to you. Josuke sighed into the receiver before continuing. 

“I know you’re lying to me. I can’t stand to see you like this. You know I still care about you, and I want to make sure you’re okay.” He stated matter of factly. 

You froze, unable to process what he just said. Why did he still care about you? It’s been well over a year since things ended. Shouldn’t he have moved on by now? There were plenty of other people in all of Morioh that he could get along with just fine, why did it have to be you? 

“Look- I know this is sudden, and I probably should have done this a long time ago. But please, can you come pick me up? We just need to talk, is all.” Your hands were shaking, and you felt that deep feeling of dread crawling up your back, settling in your shoulders. 

“I guess.” You spoke, letting him know that you didn’t really want to do it in the first place. He ignored it though, and continued. “Alright, I’m at my house. Just send me a text when you’re here.” 

And with that, he promptly hung up on you. 

You shoved your phone into your pocket, and looked back out your window. Why was this happening so suddenly? Why was Josuke still not over you? And why were you still not over him? 

Flicking the cigarette butt you had between your fingers out over the window, and reached to grab another. Before you even attempt to leave the house, you need to try and calm down. Lighting it up and taking steady drags, letting the smoke sit in your lungs for a few moments before blowing it out your window. 

This was insane, and you knew deep down you shouldn’t be going to meet him. It could bring back unrequited feelings, awkwardness, and just not be a good time. What if you fight? What if you tell him about all the things you’ve done? How would he react to that?

You let those thoughts wander as you finished your cigarette. Throwing it out, you turned around and left your room, walking down the steep stairs into your kitchen. You grabbed your keys out of the basket on the counter, and stepped out into the sunny day. 

Quickly shutting the door behind you and walking to your car, you got in and turned the keys in the ignition. It roared to life, surprisingly, you haven’t driven your car since you got fired from your job. Pulling out of the driveway, you headed in the direction of Josuke’s house.

It wasn’t a long drive by any means, but it still gave you time to let your mind drift. Music played softly in the background, as your thoughts took over. What was he planning on doing? What did he want to talk about? If he was going to ask to get back together, you weren’t sure what you would do.

It feels like you’ve already soiled this relationship. You’ve slept with 3 other men-- older men, drank until you couldn’t see anymore, and cried your eyes out at any hour of the day. Was it really worth it? What if you guys broke up again? Shaking your head, you rolled down the windows and popped another cigarette in your mouth. 

If Josuke didn’t like your new habit, then it sucks. You weren’t quitting it anytime soon.  Within moments, you pulled into his driveway. Shuffling your phone out of your pocket, you sent him a quick text. You leaned against your window, inhaling from your cigarette and exhaling it through your nose. 

After a minute, you saw Josuke stumble out of his house. He wasn’t wearing his uniform, just a plain shirt and jeans. It looked nice on him. He calmly walked to your car, opening the passenger side door and getting in. He glanced over at you, before his eyes widened. 

“When did you start smoking?” 

You rolled your eyes at him, flicking your ash out the window. “Like, a year ago. It’s no big deal.” 

His shoulders slumped slightly, and if you hadn’t been paying attention, you wouldn’t have seen it. Gazing back at the wheel, you sighed. “Where do you want to go?” The words came out a little bit harsh, but it’s whatever. Josuke is a man, he can handle it. 

“Let’s just go to that one place. Y’know.” Ah, right. The place he was talking about was out of town, near a cliffside. It’s where you lost your virginity to him. In the same car you were driving now. This will be interesting. 

“Alright.” Flicking your cigarette butt out the window, you backed out of the driveway, and drove in the direction of the secluded place. Your nerves were racing, and your mind couldn’t stop thinking of useless things. Josuke was attractive-- he always has been. Bright eyes, big smile, and his body was just as perfect. 

You wondered if you could get in his pants. One last time. Just for fun. 

Your mind screamed at you, informing you that it was not a good decision and you should not be thinking of that. He wanted to talk, and that’s it. He’ll probably scold you for not going to school, picking up smoking, and god knows what else. It was going to be hell, and you knew it. There was a kick in your stomach, bile rising in the back of your throat. 

You grabbed the water bottle in the center console, drained it, and then turned up the radio to get your mind off of these things. Josuke just sat in silence beside you, watching the scenery pass by. It was almost calming, reminiscent of what your relationship used to be. But sometimes ships sink, and you have to deal with the outcomes. 

The town started to disappear, and you turned on a gravel road. It wasn’t too long before you reached the area, and the thought of it getting closer scared you. You didn’t want a confrontation. You wanted to continue your life, worthless as it may be, and drown in your own sorrow. What is so wrong with that?

Moments pass, and the little cliff was in view. The gravel road led up to it, and there was a small clearing to park in. Pulling up, you put the car in park, and let out a deep breath. Here it comes. 

Josuke didn’t say anything. Didn’t even look in your direction. 

That scared you even more. Your hands started to shake, and you felt tears welling up in your eyes. Why wasn’t he talking to you? What did you do this time? What haven’t you done? 

Then, his voice cut through your thoughts. 

“This place has always been beautiful, huh?” Josuke asked softly, barely a whisper. You looked over at him, wiping the tears from your eyes quietly. Glancing out the windshield, you did think it was beautiful. The cliff overlooked the town-- showcasing all the buildings, as well as the beaches and the long stretch of ocean. 

It soothed you, but only a little. Was he just trying to stall? There’s no point in that. It’s always best to just rip the bandaid off. Get the pain over with. You sighed again, deciding that it might be best to just bring it up yourself. 

“Josuke.” You said, trying to keep your voice steady. It wasn’t really working. 

The said man looked over at you, and then a look of concern was written all over his face. He started to reach out for you, but you stopped him. “What did you want to talk about?” Tears welled in your eyes again, but you had enough self control to hold them back. 

“I’m- I’m just worried about you. You’ve changed so much-- I never see you at school, you smoke, and I’ve heard a few things about your… Encounters.” 

Encounters? Wait- No. No, how could he know about that? There’s no way- you made sure you covered your tracks. You didn’t tell anyone, and you made the men promise to keep it a secret. 

“H-How?” Is all you could manage without emptying the contents of your stomach.

“Erm, well. Jotaro- He’s my nephew.” Jotaro. Jotaro? Who was he-- tall, black hair, and strong aquamarine eyes flashed in your brain. You should have guessed. Of fucking course they were related, he looked too much like Josuke now that you think about it. 

“I-” You struggled, your body was fully shaking now, and you knew tears were sliding down your cheeks. Gripping your sides, you just wanted to die. You wanted to leave, to run away, to get the fuck out of this town. This can’t be fucking happening. It can’t be. 

“Hey! Don’t freak out, it’s okay. I’m not mad, really. We were not together, and you didn’t know who he was. He didn’t even know your name.” Josuke’s hands came to cover yours, instantly snapping you back to reality. His eyes were full of worry, looking down upon you. 

“I’m disgusting. I know. You don’t have to lie to me.” You spat, not at him, but more at yourself. How could you do this? 

“No. You need to stop that. Get your head out of you ass, and fucking listen to me.” Josuke grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at him. His eyes were brimmed with tears. 

That shook you to your core.

 You have never seen Josuke cry. He didn’t when you were in a relationship, as well as when you broke up. Not a single tear shed. What did you do to him? Your hands reached up to his face, wiping away the small tears that flowed down his cheeks. He was too beautiful to cry. 

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, continuing to sooth your fingers over his face. He leaned into the touch, and his grip on you tightened. “No. I’m sorry. I did this to you. I want to make it up to you.” You did a double take at that. Make it up to you? 

“What- What does that mean?” Your eyes searched his, trying to find a clue to what he was talking about. Nothing. 

“I still love you. I always have. I just don’t think it was the right time for us.” He ran his hand along your side, and you shivered against the touch. Josuke leaned in close, your lips almost meeting his, but not quite. 

“I want to start over. Will you let me?” He mumbled, his eyes focused on your reaction. A million thoughts went through your head. But one word that they all managed to land on was, yes. You wanted this. You missed him so much, every day. It was hell, getting up every day, and having nothing to look forward to. No one to tell you good morning, no one to tell you how beautiful you looked, no one to lay you down and talk to you about anything and everything. 

You wanted this bad. 

“Yes. Please, Jos-” Your words were cut off by a fierce kiss. His lips met yours, pressing harshly. You accepted almost instantly, letting a hand drift up his face, pulling him as close as he could get. You missed this too-- The feeling of another body pressed against you, hot lips against your own. But this time, it was different. 

It was Josuke.

Your head was spinning when his tongue ran across your lower lip. You let him in, parting slightly and deepening the kiss even more. The sun was setting across the ocean, the pink and oranges mixing into one. 

Josuke’s hand dipped under your shirt, and your skin felt like it was on fire. You needed this, you needed Josuke. Everything he was willing to give you, you would take. Pulling back from the kiss, you licked the saliva off your lips. You gazed at him, a blush covering your cheeks. 

“Josuke, I want- No. I need you.” 

He didn’t look surprised. A dumb grin spread across his face, and he spoke lowly. 

“Backseat. Now.” 

You ripped your seatbelt off faster than humanly possible. Before getting out, you turned the radio up higher, letting the music take over. You almost threw yourself into the backseat, Josuke following behind you closely. 

His hands were on you once more, pulling off your shirt and throwing it to the floor. You gasped, and he took it as an opportunity to kiss you. Your tongues mixed hotly, his hands feeling your skin again, and it felt right. Everything felt right. 

Leaning up against him, your hands went to rid him of his shirt, which he pulled back and discarded. Josuke was so handsome-- built, but not too much, just enough to leave your mouth watering. It was fantastic, and you hated to admit it, but you’ve thought of this situation before. And gotten off to it more than once. 

His eyes trailed down your body, admiring your breasts, hips, thighs. He then looked back into your eyes, gripping your pants. “I want to love you. I want to make you forget any other men you’ve slept with.” 

That statement alone left you absolutely soaked. Josuke could tell, because he wasted no time in tugging your pants off. His fingers went to your panties, feeling the wetness through them. “No other man can make you feel as good as I do.” He punctuated that with a swift rub to your clit, earning him a sharp gasp. 

You shook against his movements, hooking your legs around his hips. It felt so good to finally have him touching you, every movement felt so hot. “Please, Josuke.” You moaned out, your hands falling back to cover your face. Josuke smiled, looking down at your figure against the stark black of the seats. 

“Please, what?” He asked, rubbing against your clit faster, making you pant hard. You couldn’t form words, the pleasure was too much. You haven’t even touched yourself like this in weeks-- it felt so good, you didn’t want to stop. 

But he did. 

Josuke’s fingers retracted, leaving you cold, soaked, and on the edge. He repeated his question as he worked off his belt. You panted hard, staring right into his eyes. 

“Josuke. I need you to fuck me.” 

His pants were on the floor within moments. You grabbed his shoulders, leaning him down with you, pressing kiss after kiss against his lips. Hands grabbed your panties, and with a lift of your hips, they were gone. Josuke groaned against you, his erection straining hard against your thigh. 

Moving a hand down swiftly, you yanked down his boxers, and lined him up with your entrance. 

“Please, Josuke.” 

That’s all it took. He thrusted inside you, all the way to the hilt. You clenched hard around him, being stretched in the best ways. It felt like heaven, having him inside you, filling you up. You didn’t want it to end. 

After a second, Josuke pulled out, and slammed back inside you. It rocked the car slightly, and that just fueled both of your arousal more. He quickly started a pace, thrusting inside of you while his hands gripped your hips tightly. 

You moaned loudly, the feeling of his cock pumping inside of you was all you could focus on. It was intense, passionate, and despite the urgency, so full of emotion. Your legs tightened around his hips, bringing him closer to you. 

He leaned his head down, his lips meeting yours in a crushing kiss. It was amazing, the feeling of being so full and so cared for almost brought tears to your eyes. A coil began to tighten in your core, setting your skin on fire. 

Your hands found his face, cupping him and holding him against your lips. You never knew that you needed this so badly. Josuke continued his thrusts, starting to become erratic, but still so full of pleasure. 

One of his hands traced down your side, settling on top of your abdomen. His fingers dipped down, rubbing fast circles against your clit. You pulled back from his lips and cried out at the feeling, before losing your voice completely as you were thrown off the edge. 

Shaking hard against his body, you clenched and released, your hands gripping onto whatever they could. Your name was on his lips as he continued to pound into you, speeding up before he came with a groan. 

His seed filled you up, and it was a feeling you hadn’t realized you missed. Josuke laid his head against your neck, pulling out of you gently. He peppered soft kisses to your collarbone, before leaning up and pressing one against your lips. 

Josuke’s eyes were brighter than you’ve ever seen them before. The blue shining in the moonlight that surrounded the both of you for miles. It was a sight that you never thought you’d be able to see again. It warmed you up, a strange feeling settling in your shoulders, but it wasn’t a bad one. 

He ran a hand through his hair, which was now disheveled and lacking it’s original style. Josuke sighed, before pulling you up and settling you in his lap. He pulled you close, his arms surrounding you. 

It was nice. More than nice really, it was the best you’ve ever felt in the past few years.

“I love you so much.” He spoke softly against your lips, his hands rubbing along your back. 

“I love you too, Josuke.” 

#josuke higashitaka #josuke x reader #josuke higashikata x reader #jojo x reader #jjba x reader #jojo reader insert #jjba reader insert #jojo imagine #jjba imagine #jojos bizarre adventure #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jjba part 4 #jojo part 4 #diamond is unbreakable #im deleting the draft #so this is all you have pals #take it i worked really hard on it #i was FOCUSED

[nemodeutopia]

This is basically a 1000-word essay, so I’ll put this up here, but do encourage you to read, especially if we disagree and someone sent this to you in a desperate gamble to make you understand.

TLDWR: capitalism does all the ooga-booga that people say socialism does anyway, and the failings are all exactly the same and happens regardless of what economic system you use. Call it what you want, but make living independently actually possible, and the village people will be much less likely to come at you with our fucking pitchforks you idiots.

The reason I believe minimum wage is insufficient and the rich would be fine if they were more heavily taxed:

A lot of these numbers have been simplified to make it easier to follow, but other than the hypothetical 10% tax, they are all roughly accurate to what I could find researching.

If my tax rate is 10% and I make $300 dollars a week, then that leaves me with $270 a week. Take out for groceries at an average of $50 I have $220. Assuming that I don’t have any prescriptions, or rent, or cable, or gas, or utilities, or really anything else considered mandatory for adulting, then that’s not bad, right? But, most people do have those other things, so that’s not so good. So, instead, we make cuts here and there, eat less healthy, decide we probably don’t need to go to the doctor for that pain, because maybe it isn’t something serious after all, and if it is serious, we may have to miss work, and then we may get fired.

If the rich have a tax rate of 10% and make 5,000 dollars a week that gives them 4,500. They would pay more a week in taxes then I make in a week. But they would still have plenty of money to live comfortably.

Rounding down on most things here, but average rent for America is ballpark $1000 a month, mortgage rates I found reported around the same. And that is of course assuming that you qualify. Bear in mind that apartments can require that you make, for example, double the cost of living there as a security measure, and banks will turn you down if they believe your income is too low for a loan. Phone $100. Medical I won’t even presume to make an average on because insulin costs more than most gaming consoles. And I highly doubt the richest of executives is buying one of those every month. I also won’t touch cars, as gasoline prices fluctuate and mpg varies. A monthly pass for public transport, if you’re lucky enough that your city has reliable transport, averages at about $60, but closer to $100 isn’t super unusual for big cities.

So, changing that weekly take home of $270 to a monthly of 1,080 and check it against those prices. Assuming that utilities is included, which covers things as basic as trash disposal and plumbing, we are in pristine health and insurance is paid for and half way decent, which is not a given, as well as no student loans since we’re working on federal minimum wage here, we get to keep negative $80. It costs $80 more than you make at federal minimum wage to live for a month as an independent human being.

Reminder, the -$80 average I found does not include: Food, any form of health care, any utilities, clothing, internet or entertainment outside of what comes with your phone plan, transportation outside of public infrastructure, any surprise fees or expenses of any kind.

I am not touching education costs, including the additional cost of public school. I could make a whole post off the cost of public education without the rest of this depression inducing rant.

At above what Obama wanted to define as wealthy you could do that working one week a month and still have money to put back in the economy.

I grant that this was done off (just above) the federal minimum wage, so most people are probably making more money than this, especially if they’ve been in the same job for a while. But I also took the national average costs for most of the expenses. And anyone working for tips can very easily be making about half that. You also may have noticed that I didn’t include grocery in my monthly figure, because while everyone eats, the cost varies widely, and you can get free food if you need it from banks, churches, your job if you’re in that area of the service sector and lucky, etc.

Yes, if you just start printing money and handing it out, inflation is going to ruin life. But, if you redistribute existing wealth instead of letting it amass and be hoarded by a handful of individuals who basically just pass it around among themselves if they do anything, while still collecting more, then instead there would be a still largely constant amount of wealth, but it would be used instead of artificially rarified (now) or drastically devalued (creating new currency and adding it to the pile).  The people who say we can’t just pay people more willy-nilly aren’t wrong unfortunately. And I can certainly understand how someone who has their life style assured struggles (whether through managing to claw up, surviving to the point where it assured by government support paid by with taxes, or some combination) to understand the plight of those who don’t without realizing the climb keeps getting steeper.  Presently, people who are actively doing and creating are inevitably passing the money they earn back up to the people who do not, who pass a fraction of it back. Instead of just increasing the amount of currency, now largely a digital entity, so at least we don’t have to trade our wallets for wagons, we need to ensure circulation and assess distribution.

A lot of people don’t like the “s” word, even people on social security will talk about how socialism would destroy this nation. There are also people who believe minimum wage raising would destroy industries. They don’t think it’s fair that the rich should have to pay more. But, if the rich paid 10 cents on every dollar they brought in, they honestly might not even notice. If a person working minimum wage pays 10 cents on every dollar they make then they probably need to live with other people and pool all their recourses in a communal setting while politicians and the wealthy eat expensive meals, spend extravagantly and don’t suffer in the least, like in *insert current socialist or communist boogeyman state* but with the “average” person being aware people are living like this and not personally seeing it.

MacKenzie Scott has proven that the ultra-wealthy would not suffer from increased taxation by, essentially, cutting out the middle man and almost privatizing socialism, as absurd as that sounds. Dolly Parton is also an individual who proves that obnoxious levels of wealth are still possible while distributing wealth to those who don’t have it, though I don’t know as many of the particulars with her. I do know they both, as well as others I do not know, choose to redistribute their wealth to lower social rungs and are still fabulously wealthy.

#socialism #communism #capitalism #cost of living #rant #eat the rich #I don't even care if you do it literally #bare minimum #humanity #value of human life #democratic socialism #democratic capitalism #economy #probably just shouting into the void

[doomedandstoned]

A Rendezvous with Moscow Doomers Train To Elsewhere

~By Sound Animal~

Photographs by Makhmud Podzhigay

This is a momentous occasion for people around the world who appreciate Stoner Doom Metal and its hybrid forms. The Russian Train to Elsewhere has been solid all along. Then, on May 21, 2021, they played live at Peak Sound Endless Misery Doom Fest, revealing their new lineup to the public. And it’s absolutely astonishing.

On June 9th they released the audio as a bootleg. Lead guitarist Maria K. "Gerard" integral to the band all along, now debuts the recording of her vocals, which intertwine with the lead vocalist, Anna Utopian, who also plays keyboards and stepped in to replace the previous vocalist. On drums we have M'aiq the Liar, Olga on the rhythm guitar that keeps me going and going with this band, and on bass, Anton "Vargtimmen" Bryukov. Their previous singer, Denis Generalov, is no longer with the band. We’ll miss him and always appreciate his massive contribution to the previous demo and album. I’m glad to see that in the wake of his moving onward, the band didn’t falter. In fact, this new era of Train to Elsewhere is electrifying.

Live at Peak Sound (Official Bootleg) by Train to Elsewhere

Their sound is hypnotic and contemplatively atmospheric. The excellent drums are pared down to the essentials, as the best Doom drums are. The slow lullaby groove takes us into the imaginative liminal world of Nod as if we’re on a sleeper car bumping over the metal tracks, hypnagogic images combining the forest landscape outside the window with the mind inside. They play everything at a slow, minimalistic, heavy pace, never giving into the egotistical show of shredding to demonstrate just how fast they can play meaningless notes. No, conversely, every note matters.

Anna Utopian’s expressive vocals are consistently strong and delicious, beautifully doing justice to the intense lyrics while she creates Eastern atmospherics on the keyboards. Rarely does any Metal band have so much female representation within it. All the women in this band come across as authentic, being purely themselves as much as the men are, which can be a challenging project, considering the objectified roles they are so regularly expected to play on stage in that particular genre. There are no distracting displays here.

This ability to be genuine is not surprising with this low-key band, though, as they are not about surface level of life. Instead, the music provokes profound speculations and nuanced states of consciousness. It was Anton’s articulate brilliance in interviews that first locked me into their work.

When Maria sings, I stop moving completely. Until she’s done. Only utter stillness will allow the cilia in my ears to vibrate with the kind of desperate attention they require when encountering my favorite female vocalist. I wasn’t expecting that. No one told me. But I’m telling you, Stoner Doom fans. You must listen to this band that has something to say, and you must prepare yourself for Maria’s one of a kind voice. Words don’t do it justice. It’s the low beneath low. Her throat allows everything through, not just part of the frequency of life. All of it. The inflections indicate so much nobility in the depths of life that surely no one could take living for granted again.

First, I’d like to ask about that slow groove that’s consistent through the songs. I’m curious how the different band members feel that movement within their bodies. As a loop circulating through the body, a sway side-to-side (like bumping over train tracks underneath), a sleepwalking headbang, a standing spiral? Perhaps the way they feel the groove move through their bodies changes song to song.

Maria: We’ve never rehearsed our on-stage choreography or something like that. It comes naturally from our perception of the music. I can say, I like the heavy, powerful low-tune sound of traditional Doom. I like the sound of our guitars, amplified and enhanced with stage gear, going through bodies of musicians and audience. I think the sound should fill all the possible space it can, changing it in its special way.

Anton: For our band it’s very individual, some of us stay more or less still, others move to the music, whichever is more comfortable. It’s an interesting question because movement to music and dance is a very early part of human culture in a way it’s ritualistic. Although we never rehearsed stage movement it’s interesting to see the connection with the audience in that light. It’s great when some people dance to our music and move to it.

Anna: Generally, when I’m playing on stage or rehearsing at the studio, I feel some kind of special energy coming through my body. Especially when I sing. I begin to feel very inspired and optimistic about everything around me. I don’t really rehearse my on-stage choreography; I just have some clear ideas about what I have to do on some of our songs. So most of the time I just improvise my on-stage movements. Also I enjoy having that special connection with the audience, it’s an unforgettable experience, especially, when you’re playing on stage and see the people dancing to your songs and even starting to sing any of your songs that you’re playing. That’s when the magic happens for me.

Olga: I felt this only after I became part of the band – the feeling of the unified space with a group of people. When I listen to our music I can almost see how our melodies combine with each other, winding and supporting each other. Seems like their directions and weight are not less material than stage equipment. And our bodies move with the space movement. In this context I like “The Path” most of all – it resonated with me first and still makes me sway to its rhythm emerging in my subconscious in everyday life. I like both versions of it – with Denis and with Anna on vocals, which feel very different.

I love that about the unified space and the melodies themselves playing a tangible role within it. And the rhythm arising from the subconscious. And Anna feels energy coming through her – I feel a tangible effect from that! What scales are you most fond of? Is that part of the particular Folk element of your Doom that creates that tonality? Are there any folk melodies that influence any of the songs? In what ways does your location influence you?

Maria: I’m fond of northern folk, especially Finno-Ugric music, also I try to look at our music from different dimensions, adding Eastern tonality (Arabic, Turkish, Jewish music), as well as blues riffs, chromatic and classical minor scales, influences from Southern and Eastern European folk tradition… Our “Nortern Summer” is a reminiscence to native Karelian folk tunes, and “Mothir” is our adaptation of Icelandic folk song.

Anton: The idea of our project was to express through the language of Traditional Doom some of our folk influences. Yet we are not a folk band in a traditional sense of the word; we try to incorporate those melodies a bit more delicately, but they are very important.

As for the location it has a great influence on us from the vast forests to the existential gloomy culture and literature, we are shaped by this as musicians. As for Finnish folk it is an important part of our culture which sometimes flies under the radar when people are talking about Russia. For instance, Russian poets of the XIXth century with their gloomy and even Gnostic outlook on existence are a big influence for the Russian language texts of our first album.

Anna: I feel inspired by nature. I like spending some time in the forest. In terms of music, I usually prefer songs in minor scales; I like songs that sound not so depressing, but emotional. For example, I like adding some French coldwave sound to our music, as well as some blues rock.

Olga: Here I agree with Anton. The country’s history defined the distinct visual component of our surroundings, inspired by the folklore ideas and concepts we faced from early childhood, it nurtured in our minds the tendency to reflect and the idea of complicated intricacy of life, even its wholeness in imperfection. Maria shapes those images in multilayered sincerity, bringing the ideas into reality.

Samhain by Train to Elsewhere

What is the composition and arranging like for these songs? Do they ever arise from improv jams? Is it mostly one person’s vision per tune? Do the words or riffs tend to come first? Are you most interested in getting across specific meaning through the lyrics or in something else, like creating a subtle mood that goes beyond words?

Maria: Most music comes from improvisations and jams. Sometimes it happens that I bring raw material – several riffs and text – and we try to combine them into a song and repeat it till it seems ready. Also, we have some texts and some jam records that could fit together – so, why not make a song out of them. The needed mood appears when the song is almost ready and we try to play it slower or heavier or faster, add keyboards and guitar solo elements – that comes out of practice.

Anton: My personal contribution is mostly the bass parts in terms of composition, that’s all I do. But sometimes I can advise the band to play slower and heavier, as well as bring in some references from the underground doom scene. Also, I write some of the English-language lyrics like our title track from the debut album Samhain, which has been influenced by folk horror films like The Wickerman (1973) and British classical poetry.

Olga: Most of all I value the moment when the composition is almost finished, when the main direction is defined, but the result can be changed in unexpected ways with new fragments. Then the experiments begin, making us closer to realization of the plot, and I like the way each of us adds his sound to the final feel of the composition and atmosphere.

I like that you call it a plot. Stories really do arise from the subtle nuances within the music itself, whether there are lyrics or not. What emotional process would you hope listeners go through with these paganism-referencing songs? Is there something subconscious about the ancient primal archetypes that can serve people even if they don’t think about those mythologies in their ordinary lives?

Maria: Every song has its own references, atmosphere and path to lead the listener through. Of course, when the full song structure appears in your head, it’s a powerful inspirational impulse.

Anton: I would like to add that myths are powerful archetypes in our subconscious. We like to work with that because the modern world is not concerned with authentic myth and we want to help the listeners experience them. Of course, the interpretation of the myth is psychologically different for every individual but there are important patterns.

For example, facing death and mortality has been approached differently in different cultures. And aesthetically the pagan myth is very poetic and it fascinates me. The main themes of the lyrics are the recognition of one's mortality and different aspects of death -- on "The Path," mystical dark field of pre-Christian pagan tradition in "Samhain" and "Mothir," Gnosticism in "Ashes," omens and symbolism in "Silent Guard," romanticism in "Where you live," and pagan beauty of nature in "Northern Summer." The title track "Samhain" was inspired by a cult folk horror film The Wicker Man (1973) while also referencing the original pagan roots of Halloween -- Samhain.

Olga: The concept of mythology and paganism is the great mirror for the human soul, referring to times, when there were fewer concrete facts and the whole world consisted of trembling windings of human fears and desires.

“Trembling winding of human fears and desires.” I love that. Back before we could fact check everything in a search engine, reality was more amorphous, full of outrageous possibilities, eccentric cutting-edge experiments. Would you like to tell us about Sigil of Time? Is there a mentally different approach to folk music in that one? Some of you are able to participate in that band. Does it feel like a new compartment of the self opening up, like a new realm of a room that you can inhabit? How is that room decorated differently than the room in which Train to Elsewhere sleeps and dreams?

Maria: First material was recorded about ten years ago as my solo project, then we collaborated with Anton for a rather long time – but never released it till spring 2020. In this project I can release my vision that cannot be expressed with a heavy band. Usually, I create meditative multi-instrumentalist soundscapes in a much more intuitive way; most of them are instrumentals or vocals that don't carry any lyrics. Often the recordings wait for some time to be reviewed and even corrected a bit before releasing. Anton records a bass line and manages different synthetic and noise parts. To talk about the room: it’s for chamber music and solitary thoughts.

Anton: Sigil of Time was mostly our experiments with post-industrial dark ambient and dark folk music as well as some field recordings. We didn’t plan to release it to the public but our label Kryrart Records encouraged us to share our music with the world. It’s more of an abstract stream of consciousness inspired by dreams and visions but some lyrics and melodies which ended up in Train to Elsewhere were first composed for Sigil of Time so the two are interconnected.

What were the mechanical methods you used to get the post-industrial effects? That’s intriguing: I’d be curious to hear about any specific dream or vision that inspired a song.

Maria: Sigil of Time is mostly based on acoustic instruments (especially guitars), as we could mention earlier. We use it for recording guitar pedals and post-production with different kinds of distortion and delay, octavers and reversed echoes, also adding such things as different samples, raw analog synthesizer sound… In different periods of time Sigil had a tendency to explore various sources, while anthologies unite tracks from earlier times.

Usually, a song starts from the feeling of total clarity, when the idea of lyrics meets the image of musical sketch, giving a whole plan of what to do. It changes several times while recording, usually each part is improvisation, keeping only several repeating moments. Mixing inserts its corrections, and when the song is almost ready, I leave it for several days, returning to it later with minimal changes.

Anton: As for Train to Elsewhere we use techniques common for recording traditional doom metal. Maybe one thing that sets us apart is that we use the sounds of the amps and their built-in distortion power rather than custom distortion pedals for pedal boards. We want to capture a primal raw sound of early rock and metal. About dreams – before writing the lyrics to Samhain I saw a dream in which I was in a vast endless autumn forest as far as I could see. The forest seemed very old, even ancient; later the dream inspired me to write the lyrics to Samhain.

We would like to thank you for these wonderful interesting questions, it was great answering them. We’re very glad and honored you enjoyed our music so much.

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#D&S Interviews #Train To Elsewhere #Moscow #Russia #doom metal #epic doom #death doom #Sound Animal #Doomed and Stoned

[culturedsociety]

Culture Talks with Carolyn Blackmon

Carolyn, in English meaning Joy and Song of Happiness.

Over the last decade she’s been on a journey of healing and transformation. It’s been Incredible to look back and see how beauty does actually flourish through the ashes. What happened in her life; most definitely was birthed out of struggles, hardships, loss, depression, despair, and hopelessness. Looking back at her experiences and being In complete awe because of it. Her faith and belief in God changed when she realized that “the Creator Is ultimately in control and has the ability to take what Is broken and make It brand new.”

Her life verse Is Isaiah 61:1-3 “The spirit of the sovereign Lord Is upon me because the Lord has appointed me to provide for those who grieve, to bestow on them a crown of beauty Instead of ashes, the oil of gladness Instead of mourning, and a garment of praise Instead a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the lord for the display of his splendor.”

In her early twenties, she was extremely lost. Battling a severe eating disorder, alcoholism, depression, and sadness. She worked and pursued many things to distract herself from reality and to try to fill voids. The more destruction that she caused to her body, mind, and spirit’ the harder life became. One day after a big awakening, she had to make the choice and ask herself the hard question “Carolyn Do you want to live?” She knew at that very moment; she was not living, she was just surviving. 

She made the bold decision to pack her car and move alone from WI to AZ. The land of the sun became a place of healing for her. She found yoga there. She began her vegan plant based eating, and learned to nourish her body again after starving it for so long of vital nutrients it needed to thrive. She found joy through volunteering and serving. She found god again and was re-baptized. But most importantly, found her self again.

Reflecting back to Fall of 2015 when she lost her best friend and mother to Cancer. It was as though her entire world and perspective changed about the value and gift that each day offers. She started to travel more and continued doing mission work that her mother supported the few years before she passed. She began seeking more and wanting more lead to healing the parts of her that were still broken.

In 2017, she traveled to Hawaii for her first yoga teacher training; which led her to step into a more passion and purposed filled path. This became a daily mission and allowed her the ability to circulate her gifts more responsibly. Her hope is to bless lives and help others heal, love, grow, and live their best life. To inspire them to live a life that brings an Abundance of joy, fulfillment, and higher purpose.

Take a deep dive into Carolyn’s mind:

RM: What is your Life’s Philosophy? CB: (Philosophy is an overall vision or attitude toward life and the purpose of it. Human activities are limited by time and death). I believe that we were all created in the image of God and we are each placed on Earth with our own individual and unique purpose. We are here to connect with nature, humans, animals, and to enjoy all of what God has created. We are here to not only soak in the beauty and light and spread it to others but to also use the darkness (whether it be our own struggles, lessons learned, trails, pain, suffering, etc) and use it to Glorify God? What does that mean? To use the wisdom gained, lessons learned, and the power of our testimony and story to shine the light of awareness upon all giving birth to Hope and helping others receive the healing power of Forgiveness.

RM: How has that philosophy evolved over the years? CB: Yes. I tell people that there was a line I drew that separated my old life and my new life. My old life included a long season of walking down the wrong path that ultimately was leading me down into hole. When I fell on my knees and surrendered and “woke” up. It hit me that I wasn’t living the life God planned for me. I was doing many things that I do believe helped me grow and get educated and led me to where I am today. I was drowning in depression, shame, low self esteem, and I didn’t practice self love.

Moving to AZ was the acceleration I needed to begin my rebirth process. I began serving others and finding joy in giving back for it made me realize that others had it harder than myself. I had a lot to be grateful for that I took for granted. Fast forward a few more years and I lost my Beloved Mother to Cancer. It made me realize that there is no time to waste. We are not promised tomorrow. We have a responsibility. Going through that loss changed my perspective on life and our time here on Earth.

I felt urgency. I felt my calling knocking on the door. I had to loose to gain so much more. I feel that my philosophy included being a good person, and working for what you want was so general….but over the years it’s evolved and things have been added and my life’s philosophy has gotten so complex. Creation. Calling. Service. Travel. Community. Collaboration. Healing. Purpose Filled Life

RM: How has your upbringing and circle of influence impacted the way you live and think about life today? CB: I grew up in a loving Christian home. My family members on both sides had good morals in their and the way they lived their lives was simple and consistent. I spent a lot of time in the Church. My parents Marketing business taught me so much as a young adult and I really absorbed a lot of it. My Grandpa Bood was my giver of Wisdom.

My circle of influence has really shifted in the last few years to be non-family members. Those that are where I want to be and who are doing what I am doing in their own way with their own talents. My circle of influence has been students, strangers, people I have met on travels, social media, and those that are in my tribe. It’s interesting to see how my relationships have changed and the type of people I have attracted and also been gravitated towards has changed as I have evolved and transformed and grown. My inner work has changed the way I function in relationships and I am still exploring how to have healthy boundaries as one who tends to be naïve, vulnerable, and who pours her heart and soul into everything.

RM: Do you believe that your line of work infects our society with positivity? How so? CB: When I am doing my work as a yoga instructor I try my best to step into the spaces where I am Leading classes and spread good energy that is uplifting and positive but I also know that people arrive on their mat with all different things that they are struggling with and going through and I never want to diminish that. I try to share themes that are relevant and helpful and inspiring because I really want everyone who interacts with me to leave with something that they can take with them. When they gain and grow and are blessed then so am I.

When I nanny and work with kids they give me an abundance of Joy and so I always try to pour back into the parents and thank them for the opportunity to enter into their home and spend time with them. I’ve worked jobs where felt like at the end of the day I was complaining about what I had to deal with or contend with and then I would wake up in a bad mood and that’s really a horrible cycle. I am thankful grateful that I am now an Independent Contractor and get to choose who I work with so that makes it easier but aside from that we all have a choice to make in regards to our attitude!

RM: How do you stay relevant, unique, and true to who you are as a person? CB: Let go of Comparison. It’s interesting because over the years as I became more at rest and confident in who I was and accepting of who God created me to be it made it easier to accept my path which is a lot different than many as well as accept my timeline which was not what I anticipated. I have started to become more of my own person….my tendencies and quirks have come to the surface unapologetically. Yes I am still Single…Yes I get excited over the Big Bowl Of Greens I eat everyday. My music selection changes drastically with my Mood. I could care less about TV and Material items….and I could go on and on.

The morning ritual I do sets the tone for my day. I tap into a passage or quote and scripture that I need to tell myself it’s like a treasure hunt and I get my coffee fix and take the time I need for myself and that way I’m more grounded and not shaken up or swayed or torn up by whatever may come at me and I feel that has given me the opportunity to respond better and hold my ground and keep healthy boundaries. I use to operate on not enough sleep and being stressed and hurried and then I would cave in to many things that ultimately didn’t serve myself or others well.

RM: Do you believe that the work you do everyday is aligned with your calling and higher purpose? CB: Absolutely and I want more and I am committed to continue to learn and grow and gain a deeper understanding and have more knowledge in the realm of yoga. The more spaces and places I enter and the more people that I connect and collaborate with the more lives I can touch and the more inspired I will be. This last year I started to share my content on a podcast and that was something I never imagined I would do and for a girl that use to be incredibly shy I never thought I would be on the stages I am on. It blows my mind and I am soooo appreciative.

What practices do you implement to stay grounded and divinely connected to self? CB: Guided Meditation. Yoga Nidra. Yoga. Nature. Travel. Writing. Music. Sharing wisdom with the world. Dancing. Music. Balance Healthy Clean Eating. Sharing Feelings and openly communicating with my support system. Spending a lot of time alone, while remaining connected with others.

Connect with Carolyn: Facebook Instagram

Collaboratively Written by: Carolyn Blackmon and Rebecca Muñoz

Grow this Channel & Circulate the energy of LOVE by donating: Paypal Cash app Venmo

#podcast #veganism #freedom #lifestyle #conversation #nomad #alignment #humanitarian #goodhumans #faith #mindset #empower #womeninspire

[manifestationtips4you]

5 Simple Ways to Change Your Life With The Law Of Attraction (Learn This)

Johanna, a college student from Kuala Lumpur, had been struggling to finish her studies.

She was living in a dorm with other students and had trouble making ends meet.

Johanna was on a scholarship which meant she needed to keep her grades high while working part-time to support her living expenses.

Strapped for time and resources, she barely got by and started feeling burnt out. If Johanna wasn't hitting the books, she was working.

Everything started to become a blur and she was losing motivation to keep going.

It got so bad that Johanna even thought about telling her parents she couldn't do it anymore and drop out of college.

But then a classmate from her philosophy class introduced her to the Law of Attraction.

Jacques, a foreign exchange student from Canada, had been reading up on it and applied it in his own life.

According to him, it had helped him manifest a solution to his own problems.

He had lived in an abusive home growing up, and Jacques learned how to shift his thinking and perspective to change his circumstances.

Johanna wasn't sure at first what to make of it, but she took Jacques's word for it and started applying its principles in her own life.

Click Here To Discover the Lazy Person's Secret To Get Everything You've Ever Wished For <= [Link this text via your affiliate link]

After she made a shift in her own mindset and attitude, Johanna started to experience some positive changes.

She eventually quit her part-time job and found another one with better pay and hours which helped with her living expenses.

It also helped free up her time, so she managed to study AND start a side income project selling items online.

Johanna ended up growing her side business so much that she got Jacques to help her manage it.

By the end of the academic year, she had turned into a completely different person.

Johanna was no longer a depressed, burned-out student from before. She had become a self-sufficient student and even made the dean's list!

The Power of Changing Your Focus

Sometimes, we get so discouraged that we feel powerless to change our situation.

Like Johanna, we fall into a FIXED mindset where we think things will stay the same and we can't do anything about it.

But the only way to break out of this negative spiral is by changing your INNER world.

This is the key to influencing your external world so you can move forward in life.

In a nutshell, the Law of Attraction is a way of living that requires you to change your frequency.

When you do this, the Universe will pick up your signal and your life will change for the better.

As for the frequency I mentioned, this is basically the vibration of energy that your mind gives off.

You can either operate at a high or low vibration, and each type will give you a specific result.

Most people don't realize they're giving off low-frequency energy, which is actually making their situation worse. Discover the Lazy Person's Secret To Get Everything You've Ever Wished For - CLICK HERE

The main problem is when you attach your emotions to your external circumstances.

For instance, it's easy to feel bad when you're broke. And naturally, it's just as easy feel the opposite if you had money in the bank.

Similarly, seeing other people in a happy, romantic relationship will make you bitter and angry if you're single.

And so on…

I'm not saying it's wrong to feel bad about things like that. However, you shouldn't use your circumstances (and how you FEEL about them) as an excuse to STOP trying.

People fail to realize that NOT doing anything about their situation will only make them feel WORSE. And this further traps them in a vicious cycle of negativity and inaction.

Thus, the Law of Attraction will help you install a more positive attitude in your consciousness.

This keeps your mind from being overrun by negativity - and more importantly, give you the leverage to BREAK FREE from your situation.

With some practice, your thoughts and actions will effortlessly work together to attract positive circumstances in your life.

But where should you start? Here are some ways to put the Law of Attraction into action and start creating massive changes:

#1: Share Your Gifts to the World

The Bible talks about the power of giving, and how it outweighs the benefits of getting.

But no matter what your faith or beliefs are, it helps to think of generosity on a LARGER SCALE.

Giving is more than just a virtue - it's a type of cosmic currency.

When you perform acts of kindness or share your resources for no other reason than WANTING TO, you're putting this currency into circulation.

And soon enough, this positive energy you send into the world - and the Universe as a whole - will find its way back to you.

You won't get it in the same form, but it will come around, one way or another.

I know that sometimes, giving feels like the LAST thing you want to do - especially when your own life is lacking in some capacity.

Why bother extending yourself when you've got enough to worry about for yourself?

But that's exactly the point.

Giving - even when you THINK you can't - will prove that this is a FALSE perception.

Let your acts of generosity serve as a reminder to everyone that in spite of everything, life IS and will ALWAYS be abundant.

Trust in the infinite energy of the Universe and tune into its unique frequency.

Your selflessness is the key to that. A generous attitude raises the quality of the vibrations you send out into the world.

Escaping the scarcity mindset and the fear of not having enough is one of the most liberating things you can do.

By doing so, you're FREE to improve the lives of others - and yours in the process.

Learn How To Use Destiny Tuning To Manifest The Life You Want - CLICK HERE

#2: Stop hanging out with losers

I don't mean to sound judgmental, but there are people in your life that will try to drag you down, whether they're aware of it or not.

You should avoid them at all costs.

People in a bad situation will try to feel better about themselves by spreading their toxic way of thinking to others.

They pull others down with their hurtful words, or convince them that they're not good enough.

Instead of doing something about their own situation, it's easier to go down this dark path and take everyone else with them.

And the Law of Attraction states that when you focus on something, the Universe will feed you more of the SAME.

So the good news is that you can choose to avoid this downward spiral and get on another path instead.

This is why you need to be careful about the company you keep. Choose the people that can share their constructive energy with you.

If their attitude, mindset and words lift you up, you know you're in the right place.

Their energy is contagious, and you'll naturally raise your own frequency and attract only good things in your life.

As for toxic people, I know there are times when you simply can't avoid them.

They could be family, friends, or co-workers - and you might be even living with some of them.

It's a challenge for sure, but do your best not to let their negative energy get to you.

You don't have to butt heads with them and simply respond with positivity.

If you're in a conversation with them, try to frame it in a healthy, positive way so you don't get sucked into their toxic field of gravity.

You don't have to change their mind; just take the “agree to disagree” route and leave it at that.

Who knows, your own energy might “rub off” on their consciousness. They might even think about what you told them and re-evaluate their own perspective.

#3: Get out from under the grind

We all have our lives to lead, and that means falling into a routine.

Now, don't get me wrong - having structure in your life is important and even necessary.

At a basic level, we need it to function on a daily basis. Incorporating helpful habits into your everyday routine is a GOOD thing.

However, there is a danger in being TOO embedded in it and shutting yourself off to trying NEW things.

Sticking too closely to your routine could make you afraid of the unfamiliar and uncomfortable - and hinder your GROWTH in the process.

So if you want to attract new and exciting things into your life, you should carve out some room for that.

Learn How To Use Destiny Tuning To Manifest The Life You Want - CLICK HERE

Doing things that help you grow ALWAYS has a place in a well-balanced life. A stable, healthy routine is the best way to avoid a soul-crushing existence.

What are the things that inspire you?

Outside of your usual chores and duties, what gives you a sense of fulfillment - even if it doesn't pay the bills?

People usually shoot down any desire for this because they're afraid they “don't have enough time.”

But you'll see just how flimsy that excuse is once you actually take the plunge and spend that time you didn't think you had.

In as little as half an hour, you could engage in a fulfilling pursuit. Find (or rekindle) a hobby, take up an online course or watch free videos.

Let it energize your senses, inspire you to greatness and empower you to create something wonderful in this world.

More than that, you can acquire knowledge to advance you in some way, like learning a skill, for example.

I recently came across a post on Twitter that made me smile.

It said: “There's too much free information online for y'all not be crushin it in whatever field.”

Use your precious time to invest in a better you and express yourself through your passions.

Don't worry about the “if”s and “how”s. Just get started with something now, and the rest of your life will adjust to it.

You won't know what new avenues will open up UNTIL you get the ball rolling,

#4: Quiet your mind

Meditation is one habit that goes very well with practicing the Law of Attraction.

When you learn how to control your thoughts (instead of the other way around), you're in the best position to manifest the things you want.

A lot of people find it challenging to keep their thoughts above water when they're flooded with negative emotions.

With meditation, you can take a step back and remove yourself from a situation in a healthy way.

There are books, free content online and mobile apps that can help you with this.

For instance, I just tried out the Insight app on my phone which is kind of like the YouTube equivalent for meditation.

Learn How To Use Destiny Tuning To Manifest The Life You Want - CLICK HERE

You can search by a specific person or channel, or even topics like easing anxiety, anger management, and so on.

This is a low-maintenance habit which will only take about 10-15 minutes daily. You could even spend five minutes if you're really strapped for time!

This basically works by sitting down on the floor (or a chair) and closing your eyes.

The idea is to take slow, measured breaths and pay attention to the physical sensations you're feeling at the moment.

Are your muscles tense? Is your heart beating quickly from the stress you're currently experiencing?

These are some of the things to be mindful of as you breathe in and out. If any other thoughts enter your mind, don't resist it.

Don't chase after them and just let it pass. Then you can go back to focusing on the rhythm of your breath.

Take this time to focus on the feelings of love, health, success and prosperity.

In other words, the things you want to ATTRACT.

Concentrate your attention on inhaling and exhaling. Once you've calmed your mind enough, you're ready to visualize the things you want to manifest in life.

This will have a powerful effect on your subconscious and put you on the path towards your goals.

And that brings us to the last life-changing habit…

#5: Affirmations

Muhammad Ali, one of the greatest boxers in history, was known for saying, “What you're thinking is what you're becoming.”

Indeed.

That attitude helped him become what he was, and it will serve you well, too.

Most of the time, people don't pay attention to the kind of thoughts they hold in their heads.

Left unchecked, they often feed into a toxic narrative they have about themselves without realizing it.

Like I said earlier, what you put in your subconscious affects you.

The things you tell yourself are like seeds you plant in your mind and they'll grow over time. Those same thoughts will express themselves in your actions and the choices you make.

So, you need to be careful which seeds you plant.

Joseph Murphy, author of the book, “The Power of the Subconscious Mind”, tells us that this part of your mind can't distinguish which thoughts are real or imagined.

As far as it's concerned, your subconscious will treat it as FACT whether it's happening in the physical world or NOT.

Thus, people don't just operate on these subconscious beliefs. Without being aware of it, they're turning their thoughts into reality.

And it WILL happen - one way or another.

The perception you have about yourself is largely influenced by the people you had around while growing up.

Their input - whether good or bad - left a mark on your subconscious that's hard to shake off.

And this programming kicks in whenever you make decisions and it dictates how you respond to tough times.

This inner dialogue can act as your inner voice of confidence and self-assurance…

…or as in most people's cases, it's the voice of fear and self-doubt.

You might think you're not good enough or smart enough because you couldn't stop the bad things from happening.

You curse yourself for messing things up, then blame it on some pre-assigned character defect.

Usually, it's in the form of labels like “Loser”, “Hopeless Case”, “Slacker”, “Weirdo” and so on.

But remember, these labels only have as much power over as you ALLOW it.

You can apply the Law of Attraction to change this inner chatter and rewire your mind for success instead.

It's impossible to attract wealth, abundance and happiness if you're focused on putting yourself down.

Learn How to Force the Universe to Manifest Your Dream Life - CLICK HERE

You can do the opposite by using encouraging statements that will empower you to take action.

Here are some examples to try during your meditation sessions:

Affirmations that span across time: Think about what's already happened, what's happening now, and what's yet to come. Then put it all together like this: “BEFORE, I was broke, miserable and hated the world. But I know better NOW and want to turn it around. Things are about to change, and SOON I'll be prosperous, happy and living my dream life.”

Affirmations that are crystal clear: Saying something like “I am loved” or “I am blessed” is a good start, but they're a bit vague. Try elaborating on these ideas and flesh them out even more. Then you'll end up with a statement like “I'm surrounded by people who love and support me. They help me grow as a person and want to see me succeed.” As for being blessed, you can say “I'm blessed with infinite opportunities and resources, and my life is full and abundant.”

Affirmations with an attitude: Another way to supercharge your subconscious is by being a little cheeky with your statements. When that voice of fear and insecurity kicks in, drown out the noise with, “Whatever, I'm amazing at everything I do. I fight like hell and do my best, and I can't hear what you're saying!” Adding some lighthearted humor amplifies your signal and makes it easier for the Universe to hear your thoughts. Try this the next time you're feeling especially down on yourself.

When you improve the quality of your thoughts, it's as if your circumstances will rearrange itself on their own.

These changes will seem to happen without doing much on your part. But the truth is that you're already doing the heavy lifting by disciplining your mind.

Starting today, you can apply these five tips I've just shared with you to create ripples of change in your life.

The more you practice them, the bigger waves will result from your efforts. I hope you make use of this knowledge and empower yourself for greatness.

Before I go, there's ONE MORE gift I'd like to share with you…

It's called the Manifestation Breakthrough Kit, and for a limited time I'm offering it totally FREE of charge.

You can combine this kit with the five tips you just learned to get even BETTER results.

learn how to FORCE the Universe to give you everything you've ever wanted…and MORE! - CLICK HERE

#manifestation #manifesting meaning #how to manifest #manifestingdreams #manifest #manifestanything #manifestingmoney #manifestyourlife #manifestingmindset

[earlgraytay]

some neurotypical karen advice (and why it’s supposed to work)

okay, so if you’re like me, you have an allergic reaction to being told “you should try yoga! that will make all your health issues better!” or “have you tried eating [superfood of the week]?” i have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety, and adhd, and most Standard Health Advice has done squat for any of them.

the thing is... there’s a reason why doctors give Standard Health Advice. They’re not clueless neurotypical twats (okay, many of them aren’t...), there’s actually Evidence-Based Medicine behind what they’re suggesting. But they’re suggesting a one-size fits all solution to a complicated problem, and if your brain/body chemistry is weird, that one-size probably won’t fit you. it can start to feel like all health advice is bad, and like you’re never gonna be able to recover, so what’s the point? 

but... you can recover, and the advice isn’t necessarily bad. you just have to know why doctors advise this stuff so that you can make it work for you. 

this is some Health Advice I Get A Lot, why it’s supposed to work, why it doesn’t work for me (in case this post winds up circulating around medblr and not just spoonieblr), and what has worked for me instead. this advice might not work for you. what’s good for the goose might not work for the gander. 

1. any piece of health advice that is supposed to come before the basics: getting enough calories, getting enough hydration, getting enough sleep, and getting enough of the right medications.

why this is supposed to work: getting physically and mentally healthier will make it easier for you to get enough food/water/sleep, while helping you to avoid having to take meds (which can have lots of weird side effects on your brain and body).

why this doesn’t work:  at least for me, trying to do anything new when I’m not getting food/water/sleep is just not gonna happen. I will flake out on it because I feel like crap, and feeling like crap means that I can’t do the things I need to do, which will make me feel more like crap.   on top of that, medication has been one of the few things that has consistently helped me not feel like crap; my ADHD meds and fibro meds have been a game-changer.  

what you can do instead: if you’re having trouble eating/sleeping/hydrating/medicating, you need to take care of those problems first before you try to do any of the other stuff on this list. you can’t build a house without a foundation. if your doctor doesn’t take this seriously, or if doesn’t take your requests for medication seriously, they’re not a great doctor; if you can, you should try and find a new one.

2. ‘have you tried yoga/t’ai chi/[other low-intensity workout fad]?’

why this is supposed to work: okay, this is actually pretty neat. if you have chronic pain or chronic fatigue, it’s because something is wrong with your nervous system. pain is a signal your brain uses to tell your body, “hey- this is a thing we should stay away from!” or “hey, stop doing this thing that hurts you, you’re gonna hurt yourself more!” if you have chronic pain, your brain gets confused and starts sending out junk pain signals for everything. it parses any brain signal it can’t figure out as pain. and because you’re naturally inclined to avoid pain, you start to avoid more and more things. unfortunately, this means that your brain parses even more things as pain until everything hurts to do. in the meanwhile, your muscles are getting deconditioned- meaning that you’re getting weaker, and so any kind of physical activity is gonna hurt more. so you get into a negative feedback loop. exercise is supposed to break the negative feedback loop. it tells your brain “hey, you can ignore some of these pain signals, we’re doing this on purpose” and helps your brain make more endorphins - the neurotransmitter that gives you a ‘runner’s high’. your brain knows how to process these and they make you feel better/stronger over time. it’s kind of the same thing for depression and anxiety, but for depression- your brain isn’t sending out enough signals at all. depression and C/PTSD both make your brain less active. exercise makes your brain send out endorphins, which helps it become more active and helps it remember how to make the other neurotransmitters it needs to make. the reason doctors often recommend yoga/t’ai chi/low intensity workouts for this purpose is that they’re easy on your body. they help your body remember how to make endorphins without making you put a lot of strain on your muscles or heart.  

why this doesn’t work: exercise works best when it’s restorative. if you’re doing something that feels good or makes you feel valuable or fits your self-concept, you’re gonna have a better time than if you’re slogging through something you hate. (h/t to @theunitofcaring​ for that concept)  the trouble is, for a lot of people, yoga and t’ai chi are not restorative. they can be more painful than certain nominally-higher-intensity exercises, especially if you’ve got joint pain. on top of that, since ‘try yoga’ is one of those first-line-of-defense recommendations, a lot of disabled people have “tried yoga” and found that it didn’t work for them; they associate yoga with failure, self-disgust, and/or the frustration of not being listened to. and on top of that, some people have religious problems with doing yoga (which was originally a religious practice, even if it’s largely secular now) or have problems with ‘mindfulness’ (for a person with PTSD, ‘mindfulness’ stuff can lead to panic attacks or worse). 

what’s worked for me: pokemon go and then bike riding. pokemon go uses ‘traditional’ video game mechanics like log-in bonuses and daily quests to get you coming back every day and uses mechanics like experience points to get you playing just a little bit longer. in the case of traditional games this can lead to some unhealthy feedback loops, but since Pokemon Go is based around getting you to get out and walk around, it can get you into some healthy feedback loops. thanks to pokemon go i’ve gone from walking about 1 km a week to walking 5-10 km a week. it’s seriously done great stuff for my physical health, and... well, it’s hard to be depressed when you’re surrounded by cute Pokemon. (if you don’t want to give the Pokemon Company your money or don’t want to have your location on on your phone- i’ve heard good things about Zombies Run. Never tried it myself and I can’t pay attention to podcasts for long, but take that as you will.)  the other thing that’s really helped my physical health was learning to ride a bike- and i don’t mean an exercise bike, I mean an actual fucking bike. i never learnt to ride a bike as a kid, so learning now has been a fun challenge. and even though riding a bike is technically higher-intensity than yoga, i associate riding a bike with speed and freedom and learning something valuable. so i gladly go to bike lessons every week, even though it takes a two-mile walk to get there.  basically: find something you find restorative,  and work your way up to being able to do that. don’t force yourself to do something you hate in the name of ‘exercise’ unless you want to be the kind of person who does the thing you hate.

3. Get up at 6 AM (or earlier) and spend some time in the morning to center yourself!

why this is supposed to work: okay, this isn’t something I’ve seen the science on. but from what I gather, it’s intended to give you space alone with your thoughts, away from the hustle and bustle of modern society and also give you some time to get ready in the morning while you’re not stumbling around like a zombie getting your coffee. i hear a version of this advice specifically targeted at writers a lot- “get up early and write before you have to go to work/get the kids to school/start your daily responsibilities!”

why this doesn’t work: not everyone can, or should, wake up at 6 AM. some people have work schedules that forbid it- if you’re working a 6 PM-12 AM shift, for instance, waking up at 6 AM is just not gonna happen. And some people have naturally later internal clocks. a lot of people with ADHD, for example, need to get up at noon and go to bed at 3 AM to be functional. some people genuinely are morning people and find getting up that early to be restorative; some really, really ain’t and really, really don’t.

what’s worked for me: getting up at least an hour before i need to start getting ready to go AND finding some time during the day to not focus on work, school, or entertainment. These two things don’t have to go together!  but the extra time in the morning lets you get up and get your head together (and eat breakfast- always important) before having to head out, and the time to center yourself... IDK why but it helps with getting your head together.

...I might write about more of these but I’ve run out of spoons for this post so I’ll come back to this idea later. 

#on life #recovery #mental health #mental illness #spooniestrong #fibromyalgia #depression #anxiety #adhd

[banashee]

Please mind the tags and warnings

     Day 7: Miracle  

When you work for SHIELD, it often means that private plans get shot to hell. Every Agent knows this - it’s what they signed up for. But that doesn’t mean that Clint isn’t pissed as hell when they call Phil in on the second day of their vacation, because something came up and they absolutely need him. Not only that, they don’t have any use for him at the time, tell him to just stay put.

 This. This right here is why he hates taking any time off. What use are days off, when he can’t spend them with his partner? If it wasn’t so incredibly close to Christmas, Clint might be a little more relaxed about it, but as it looks now, he might spend the holidays sitting alone in an empty apartment, which just sounds depressing as fuck.

 This is why Clint usually volunteers to work over the holidays, to avoid this very situation. But ever since his relationship with Phil, he got to experience some truly beautiful Christmases and he really doesn’t want that to stop.

 If both of them were to work, fine - at least, chances are they’d be stuck in whatever last minute mission together. But now?

 Phil is several hours of flight away, juggling whatever bullshit someone else produced to try and rescue the situation, because this is how half of his jobs are going these days, while Clint is home alone with nothing to do and too many thoughts running wild.

 He eyes the cupboard that holds the booze, mulls over it but doesn’t get up to get a drink. He’s not that low yet, and he wants to avoid that if he can - Clint does       not     want to start a habit that will be hard to break in the future.

 Drinking with other people, casually and with nice company? Sure, every once in a while.

 Drinking alone in a dark apartment to make his brain shut up? A really, really bad idea.  Memories of years spent in fear of his father and later Buck Chisholm, Jacques Duquesne and even his own brother, Barney, stop him from doing that, even when the urge comes. Very occasionally, but still. He resists, and doesn’t even drink too often as it is.

 Thinking back to the violence and loss of control back then makes him not touch any alcohol at all for weeks and sometimes months at a time.

 With a heavy sigh, Clint flops over a few times, until he’s upside down and with his legs hanging over the back of the sofa. He sighs again, causing Lucky to come jogging from the next room over and sit down on top of him - but only after turning around a few times, paws are digging into uncomfortable places while he does so.

 “Oof, ouch.”

 A cold, wet nose nuzzles into him, and Clint can’t help but smile at that. Lucky is a wonderful dog, and he loves him to pieces, even when he seems to be determined to cut off his blood circulation in important body parts sometimes.

 With his hands buried in soft golden fur and with Lucky licking all over his neck and the underside of his chin in true canine affection, Clint manages to relax a bit. Breathing gets easier, and instead of letting his brain get the better of him, he focuses on the dog. The deep, even breaths, the feeling of fur on his skin and the slight wagging of the tail that keeps hitting his legs.

 “Good boy, Lucky. Good boy.”

 As if in response, Lucky nuzzles him again and Clint scratches the good spot behind his ear. They stay like this for a while, until Clint gets a bit lightheaded from being upside down for too long - he moves in another position, with Lucky still sprawled on his chest. He simply holds onto the dog, turns and then they settle again. On the way to lay down properly, Clint fishes his phone from a mess on the coffee table.

     “Hey there. I miss you”     he types into his ongoing chat with Phil, hitting send before he does something stupid like telling his partner how he’s been feeling in more detail. Who knows when Phil will be able to respond to a personal text from his personal phone next - there is no need to worry him.

 The last time he’d heard from Phil was about three days ago. He’s been okay then, telling Clint that things are kinda messy and that he hopes to be able to text or better yet, come back soon.

 At almost 2 in the morning, Clint’s phone vibrates with a new message. He instantly wakes up from a light sleep due to the vibrations. He went to bed with the phone near him, just in case. It’s a long standing habit for both him and Phil when the other is away on a mission, just so they’ll know when the other texts or calls.

     “Miss you, too. I don’t wanna jinx anything and say a date, but I might be able to be home in a few days. Hope I didn’t wake you up - I love you”  

 Clint squints against the bright light of his phone, but the message makes him smile. Phil is okay, at least okay enough to text and that is very reassuring to know.

     “Be safe and come back soon. I love you, too!”    he types back and throws his phone back onto Phil’s empty pillow. The date on the display says December 20th.

 Just how long are “a few days” going to be, Clint asks himself while falling back into a restless sleep.

 The next few days, Clint spends very similarly to the rest of the time. He doesn’t talk much to anyone but his dog, even on their long walks out. Back home, he keeps busy with household tasks and paperwork, desperate to do something to kill his time.

 December 23rd, his calendar on the desk proclaims, while Clint finishes the last page of forms. He’s done - nothing to do, nothing to clean anymore - no Phil.

 He’d texted this morning, stating he didn’t know yet when they’d be finished, saying he misses and loves Cint. It’s reassuring to read from him, but nothing beats having his partner right here.

 “Fuck this.” Clint tells the date on the paper, and it remains silent, staring back at him, almost mocking.

 Clint reaches out and puts it face down onto the table - it doesn’t help. He glares at tit for a moment, then leaves the room. He takes the leash off of the hook to go on a walk with his dog.

 “Lucky! Come here, boy! we’re going to the park” he calls, and as soon as he finishes the word “park”, Lucky comes scrambling down the hallway with a wildly wagging tail and pure excitement in his eyes. Then he headbutts into Clint’s stomach to stop himself.

 “Oh hey, are you okay?” Clint asks, gently patting Lucky’s head and unable to stop the laughter rising up his throat. The dog just beams up at him, enjoying the pets while waiting for him to finally put the leash on so they can go out.

 Laughing feels good, too - Clint was planning on going for a walk to calm down in the first place, but it seems like Lucky just being the goofy and wonderful dog that he is did half the job before they even left the apartment.

 It’s beginning to snow. Not enough to remain on the floor, but enough for Lucky to get excited and chase after the snowflakes in the air. He’s trying to catch them, and Clint happily lets him.

 “Maybe we’ll have a white christmas this year, huh?” he asks the dog, then pulls out his phone to film a quick video of Lucky jumping into the air to try and get the snow. Small flakes are stuck in his fur, only slowly melting away. Clint can’t help but smile, and he holds out a treat behind his phone, then he gets Lucky’s attention - the video ends with a dog snout darkening the screen. He immediately sends the video to Phil.

 Lucky has settled down next to him, and when Clint is finished with his message, he is met with deep brown dog eyes that look up at him. He smiles, smoothing down the fur on his dog’s forehead, then the sides of his head. Lucky leans into the touch, clearly happy with all of this love and attention. Most of his weight leans against Clint by now, eyes sliding closed.

 They remain like this for a while, by the side of the park’s walkway. Some people “oohh” and “aww” at the sight of Lucky, especially families with children, but Clint doesn’t pay them any mind, apart from shooting a smile to a little girl who holds her mothers hand and waves at him with the other.

 Lucky has that effect on people.

 On their way home, Clint can feel the phone vibrating in his pocket. He fishes it out with one hand, heart stopping for a beat. He really hopes that this is a message from Phil - and really.

     “Thanks for the video of our son. btw I’ll make it home in time for christmas!

 Clint expects to find the apartment as dark and silent as he does.

 What he doesn’t expect when he leaves the bathroom after a long, hot shower, is the light in the hallway being on and a familiar pair of shoes next to the door.

 A spark of happiness lights up his entire mood as Clint makes his way towards the living room/kitchen area. And really, when he rounds the corner, he is greeted by the sight of Phil, whose suit looks rumpled and his five o clock shadow is very much turned into a beard by now, but he looks up at the sound of footsteps behind him and smiles.

 “Phil!” Clint all but tackles his partner to the couch behind him. He can feel Phil’s startled laughter against his neck, but he has him wrapped up in both arms and holds on tightly. Both of them end up on top of it in a tangled mess, rumpled or, in Clint’s case, half dressed and damp from the shower, but none of it matters right now. They’re both home, in one piece but most of all, safe and reunited.

 “No more last minute missions. Fuck that.” Clint says into his partner’s hair, and Phil just nods - he must be exhausted, because he doesn’t even pull away to sign an answer. This tells Clint everything he needs to know though.  

 He wraps arms and legs around Phil, then simply turns both of them over until Phil is comfortably on top of him, head tucked under his chin while Clint gently scratches the nape of his neck while he keeps his other arm firmly around Phil.

 They stay like that until both of them drift off into a light sleep. It’s only when Lucky decides he wants to join in in the cuddles that they wake up, because the dog jumps gracelessly onto Phil’s back and licks his ear.

 “Ow. Way to go, Lucky.”

 Lucky just nuzzles closer, and Phil reaches up with one hand to pet him.

 “Yes, I love you, too.”

 Under him, Clint’s chest rumbles with laughter.

 “You two are having your usual discussion?” he asks. His hearing aids are still in the bedroom, but he just knows how things usually go.

 Phil just nods, and instead of an answer, chuckling. They stay on the couch for a bit, cuddling and trading lazy kisses, then a rumbling stomach decides that it’s time for dinner.

 The morning of December 24th starts out late. They didn’t get into bed until late at night, and that’s perfectly fine. They don’t have to be anywhere, and even though it’s much later than planned, they can finally enjoy their vacation together.

 Small dust particles are already dancing in the streams of sunlight that make it through the window and into their room, but neither Phil or Clint gives it any attention. They’re way too busy removing restrictive clothing so they can greet each other properly after the time they spent apart.

 As messy as the holiday season has started, they still managed to start Christmas together - if it wasn’t so incredibly frustrating, they would have called it a miracle. But as it is, they’re here, they’re happy, and the days can come.

  *+~

                           Warnings:

- Referenced Alcoholism - PTSD/ Bad memories - Past child abuse

*+~

This is a writing challenge set up by AJ Woolfenden on Instagram, starting on December 14th. One word per day for a week. Works shared have to use #writingweek

   https://www.instagram.com/p/CILEG_agRzF/?igshid=1p72flhf7lhzz

   Day 1: Snow Day 2: Festive Lights Day 3: Santa’s hat Day 4: Gifts Day 5: Silent Night Day 6: Red Noses Day 7: Miracles

   All cover photos 1-6 used from Pixabay , 7th from unsplash. Free to use photos

#banashee writes #marvel fanfiction #xmas writing week 2020 #angst #hurt/comfort #tw alcohol

[detailhub88]

Exactly How Prohibited Tanning Shots Which Activate Cardiovascular Disease Are Being Offered To Uk Consumers On Ebay.com

Melanotan

https://ita.melanotan.eu/product-category/vial/ : #f9f9f9;border: 1px solid #aaa;display: table;margin-bottom: 1em;padding: 1em;width: 350px;">

Content

What Is Melanotan I & Melanotan Ii?

Does Phony Tan Protect You From The Sun?

Synthetic Dental Fluid Characterisation: Possibility For Usage As A Referral Matrix In Medicine Screening.

What Are Melanin.

Another Melanotan Advantages is its ability to promote hair growth. In fact, research studies show that it is capable of promoting hair thickness by three times. However, users of Melanotan should exercise caution because too much of the supplement can lead to skin irritation, dryness and flaking of the skin. There have also been some side effects reported. These include diarrhea, dizziness, nausea, headaches and high blood pressure. As far as these side effects go, they pale in comparison to the benefits.

Melanotan should be used under the guidance of a trained professional. It should be taken according to the directions on the bottle, and you should not take more than the recommended dosage. Using anabolic steroids can be dangerous and can cause a number of other complications. It is vital that you are aware of the risks, so that you do not take the risk. Melanotan Advantages should be known before relying on this product.

The large danger with nasal tanning sprays is that today we simply don't understand a lot concerning them that makes using them possibly damaging.

Since they are still largely untried and unlicensed, a lot is still not known regarding the security risks of utilizing Melanotan 2.

This remarkable tanning peptide serves as a catalyst to stimulate the production of melanin throughout your body.

Consequently, this indicates added biological protection from unsafe UV rays and also a very easy, quick, and safe full-body deep tan for you.

There are many more benefits of Melanotan. These include improved skin and hair appearance as well as a reduction in fine lines and wrinkles. This is also the reason why people prefer to take this vitamin instead of other medicines or cosmetics meant for skin and hair. Furthermore, it also helps improve circulation and strengthens the immune system. All of these reasons make Melanotan Advantages the best choice for those who want to maintain their beautiful hair and skin.

What Is Melanotan I & Melanotan Ii?

As you can see, there are many benefits of Melanotan, but these are just some of the main ones. It is very common for people to use Melanotan for weight loss purposes. company’s site is because Melanotan is known to be one of the most effective supplements that have been created for the purpose of losing weight. If you choose to use Melanotan, it is important to make sure that you are taking it correctly.

How long do nasal sprays take to work?

How long does it take for steroid nasal sprays to work? It takes several days for a steroid spray to build up to its full effect. Therefore, you will not have an immediate relief of symptoms when you first start it. In some people it can take up to two weeks or longer to get the maximum benefit.

Some may argue that if athletes are taking anabolic steroids, then they should not be allowed to participate. I do not agree, and there are many athletes that take Melanotan supplements, and never suffer from adverse side effects. Also, in comparing anabolic steroids to Melanotan supplements, they do have a similarity in that they both elevate your bodily hormone levels. However, there is a huge difference between enhancing physical condition and performing in a sporting competition, which I will address in a moment.

As with all anabolic steroids, Melanotan is known to have its own side effects. Nausea, dizziness, weakness, joint pain, mood swings, headaches, and jaundice are just some of the possible side effects. If you are pregnant or breastfeeding, it is strongly recommended that you consult your doctor before taking Melanotan. There is also some evidence that shows that it may increase your risk of oral birth defects. So, if you are thinking of using Melanotan, talk to your doctor first!

Does Phony Tan Shield You From The Sunlight?

As far as I am concerned, there is no question that Melanotan supplements are anabolic steroids online. This is because HGH is a naturally occurring hormone and therefore can be artificially introduced into an athlete. It would not surprise me if some supplement companies decided to make a synthetic version of HGH. This is why I believe the debate is already over. However, since the supplements themselves are not anabolic steroids, they cannot be banned by the Olympics.

How do you make Melanotan 2 nasal spray?

For Nasal Spray Take your Melanotan vial and pop off the top of the vial to reveal the rubber stopper. Next insert a syringe into the vial/ampule and hold it upside down. Withdraw 40 units (4ml) of water and inject it slowly into the Melanotan vial aiming at the side, not the powder.

It has also been found out that some anabolic steroids reduce the level of the human growth hormone in the body. If too much of an anabolic steroid is taken, there is a high risk of osteoporosis, cataract and even cancer. Even if the level remains within normal limits, the chances of the hair to come back are relatively low. However, if the intake is excessive, there is a risk of heart failure, kidney failure and even heart attack.

Fabricated Dental Liquid Characterisation: Potential For Usage As A Recommendation Matrix In Medication Screening.

The benefits of Melanotan are not the only reasons why people use this product. It is also used by pregnant women to treat their pre-menstrual discomfort and reduce facial swelling and redness. For people with acne, this vitamin E supplement is a great ingredient because it is a powerful antioxidant which has the ability to kill the bacteria present in acne. This in turn leads to improved skin condition and increased facial tone. At the same time, it also works well to get rid of other skin problems such as rosacea and eczema.

https://fra.melanotan.eu/ ='text-align:center'>

Melanotan has also been known to increase strength. It is commonly known as an anabolic steroid. These are some of the main benefits of Melanotan, but there are others as well. For example, it is known to be able to increase endurance and improve reaction time. This can be particularly useful for athletes and people who participate in extreme sports.

What Are Melanin.

When using Melanotan in a weight lifting program, it helps to ensure that your body is able to reach its full potential. The anabolic steroids that are contained in the product help to promote overall muscle growth. This means that the more muscle mass you gain, the more fat you will burn when exercising.

One of the most common side effects of Melanotan usage is hair loss. The recommended dose is 400 milligrams twice a day but in some persons this dosage is as low as 200 milligrams per day. Hair loss is usually temporary, since the body gets used to the substance. If the user continues to use the supplement regularly, eventually the hair will begin to grow again. This process of replacing the lost hair may take up to six months.

It is also commonly known as "Cellulite". Cellulite is the condition in which fat is stored in specific areas of the body. Melanotan is often known as a weight loss supplement that is able to help people to lose unwanted fat. It is able to do this because it contains anabolic steroids. Anabolic steroids are known for being able to increase energy levels, improve strength and muscle size, as well as reduce the appearance of cellulite.

Melanotan supplements contain a synthetic form of the human growth hormone (HGH). This is a naturally produced bodily hormone, but its levels are depleted during menopause, and it can be depleted even further by aging. Research on animals has shown that melatonin can maintain normal levels of HGH. This research also indicates that melatonin can improve athletic performance, reduce depression, and improve mood and sleep.

The Tanning King.

Melanotan is one of the most effective natural substances for enhancing your looks. Its all natural benefits have made it more popular in the past decade. Now, you can easily find Melanotan and other biological agents online as well as in beauty shops. But Melanotan should only be used properly under the guidance of your doctor because side effects are also possible.

In addition to helping people lose weight, Melanotan has been shown to improve a person's immune system. It has also been known to help fight off cancer cells. Melanotan has also been shown to improve skin quality and appearance. It has also been proven to help improve the ability of the body to retain moisture.

Melanotan supplements have been in the news quite a bit recently. There has been quite a bit of debate as to whether or not these are actually anabolic steroids. If you search Google for the term, you will find a lot of articles that dispute this claim. I will try to explain the differences between anabolic steroids and Melanotan supplements. Anabolic steroids are simply chemically engineered hormones that are used for athletic performance enhancement.

Melanotan Advantages also includes its ability to prevent hair loss and encourage hair growth. As a result of this ability, Melanotan can help men and women age gracefully. At the same time, it is also capable of promoting hair growth for children who experience alopecia areata or who are suffering from Alopecia Totalis. This is a common form of hair loss, which affects both men and women. Since the supplement has the ability to promote healthy hair growth, it also ensures that it will grow back once the problem has been overcome.

In addition to the benefits for your appearance, Melanotan and other biological agents like Anabolic Steroids are useful for many other reasons. They can help improve your immunity system as they block the production of harmful toxins and free radicals in the body. They improve the production of the bodily hormone, HGH or human growth hormone. HGH is vital for growing children and preventing common disorders like cancer and diabetes. In fact, some online diets recommend using supplements of Melanotan and Anabolic steroids to prevent common illnesses like cancer and diabetes. However, there are scientific evidences to suggest that such supplements may not always be healthy for the body.

Now that you have learned about Melanotan advantages, go ahead and look for yourself. If you decide to try Melanotan, make sure that you get professional help and do not self-medicate. If you think you have an easier time popping a few pills at night, take the easy way out and pop some "safe" pills that are available over the counter. Melanotan is not a miracle drug; you have to know what you are doing. However, if you take care of your body and eat the right foods, Melanotan can be a great aid in losing weight and staying fit.

#melanotan eu #melanotan europe #melanotan products #melanotan for sale

[zerdodcirzo-blog]

Sex and the Holidays

In the rush of the holiday season with its parties, dinners, family get-togethers, gift buying, baking, and celebrations, it's not uncommon for a couple's sexual relationship to flounder. Even couples with a relatively good sex life often feel the strain of holiday pressure.

Stress and time constraints are a set-up for sex to be a disappointment, non-existent, unsatisfactory, or half-hearted. And if one spouse is doing significantly more of the holiday preparation and work than the other, the potential for a sexual desire mismatch between husband and wife increases even more.

After all, there's no way to "burn the candle at both ends" and not have it affect your sexual energy eventually. It's not conducive to heightened sexuality to be sleep-deprived, exhausted, stressed, rushed, harried, over-whelmed, and frantic about getting everything done on time.

The holidays can also take an emotional toll with resulting depression and holiday blues. If a family member has died during the previous year, if your own marriage is shaky, or if a divorce or marriage of family members has changed the holiday dynamics, there can be deep grieving and pain. These factors can profoundly affect sexual desire.

The following seven tips will help you to keep the sparkle and sizzle of your sex life intact:

1. Talk with your spouse about which activities to schedule during the holidays and which to consider leaving out or changing in some way. Stress intensifies when you try to cram too many activities into your days and weeks. Just because something has always been done one way doesn't mean that you can't consider making a change.

Set priorities and then stick by them. Remember what's most important to you--your spouse, children, and extended families--and schedule your time accordingly. Cut back on or skip activities that aren't fulfilling to you both and that drain time and energy. Face the reality that you can't do it all--no one can. Look for ways to save time and energy and still accomplish your goals and honor your priorities. You can't sizzle in any area of your life--and certainly not your sex life-- if you fall on your face from exhaustion.

2. Schedule some time for yourself--even if it's much more limited than usual. The goal is to take good care of yourself by scheduling some time each day--even if it's only 15-30 minutes--to focus on your needs.

Can you allow thirty minutes for a nap before you go shopping or can you schedule a massage or pedicure? Can you soak in the tub for fifteen minutes or take a twenty-minute walk around the block? What about working out at a gym or at home for thirty minutes?

If you ignore your basic needs for nurturance during this stressful time, then you may start resenting your spouse for his or her sexual desires and needs. You'll view sex as one more "duty" that's on your "to do" list.

3. Be realistic about time and energy constraints. The holidays are demanding for most people and require more energy than usual--emotional as well as physical energy.

You might only have time for a "quickie" instead of a more lengthy time together, but that's fine as long as you don't just settle for "quickies" all year long. But they certainly have their place and can add fun and excitement to your day.

It's okay if you or your partner are tired and don't feel as sexual as usual. Let the person who is more aroused take the lead while the other has permission to be more low key. Just enjoy being together and reconnecting.

4. Remember that intimacy in the bedroom starts in the kitchen, in the laundry room, in the living room--it's about much more than meeting in the bedroom for a romp under the sheets.

Some of you may have seen the saying contained in a widely-circulated email letter that "No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes." Another way of reframing this is that a spouse can accumulate good will points by sharing the housework, chores, and errands--and those good will points can certainly help in the bedroom.

Yes, I know that there are cases where a spouse does more than his or her share of the work and the spouse is still rejecting of sex. And certainly I'm not suggesting that a spouse owes a partner sex because he or she helps around the house. Not at all.

But I am saying that to create the maximum potential for a sexual relationship to be satisfying for both partners, wise spouses look at how they treat their partners outside of the bedroom. And this applies more than ever during a stressful time like the holidays.

5. Look for ways to do something nice for your spouse that has the potential to activate sexual desire, such as a foot massage or a back rub. It's hard to turn down the offer of a foot massage at the end of a long day.

The key is to not expect sex as a reward for your efforts. Talk to your spouse during the massage and show interest in his or her day and feelings. Ask questions and really listen to what your spouse says.

Give compliments to your partner while you're giving the massage: "You work so hard," "I appreciate you and all that you do for me and the kids so much," "You're a wonderful wife (or husband)," or "Your skin feels good to the touch--it's so nice and warm."

You might ask your spouse if the two of you can just "snuggle," that you don't have any ulterior motives. Just enjoy snuggling and talking, perhaps laughing together, and then keep your word--don't initiate anything sexual.

You want to let the good will points accumulate and let the good feelings physically and emotionally build up until your partner's desire also builds up. When you're not expecting sex, you make it more likely that you partner will relax into the experience and feel sexual desire.

6. Be aware of how your choices about alcohol and over-indulging in holiday foods can affect your mood and sexual desires. In many marriages, when one or both spouses drink too much, arguments and fights result.

Also, a spouse who is reeking of alcohol can sexually turn off his or her mate who may be repulsed by the smell and by drunken behavior. Throw in the erratic holiday mood swings that can happen naturally at any time along with the alcohol, and you have a formula for trouble.

[midnightluck]

I have a personal headcanon for MarcoAce just blending or being their powers. [Thinking of Pheonixes being reborn in ash and playing with fire]. So this is just a request for any form of fire!Ace and pheonix!Marco

Sorry this tool so long! You might also like my Marco uses Ace’s fire to heal and Ace’s fire helps phoenixes grow shorts as well.

“Okay,” Ace says, balancing carefully on the board’s nose. “Now just set your back foot in front of the engine opening there.”

Marco looks down and back to find it, and carefully sticks his foot as close to the engine as it’ll go. The opening’s bigger than he thought it was, sitting just under his knees.

“Great, yeah, and your front foot–”

There’s a foot-sized depression with a strap over it and Marco has, in fact, seen Ace do this before, so he nudges his foot into place without any trouble.

“Yeah, great,” Ace says, beaming. “Now the thing to remember here is to keep your fire moving, yeah? You gotta keep it hot and low, and cycle it back into the engine. Got it?”

“Think so, yoi.” He bends at his knees to brace. “How much do you start with?”

“Not too much,” Ace says, sinking down into a crouch on the curve on the Striker’s prow. “Enough for a fireball, but not enough to burn.”

“That’s not–” Marco starts, then cuts himself off. It’s not how he measures fire, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a valid measurement; after all, it apparently works for Ace. “Okay,” he says instead, and lights up his feet.

Ace braces himself and Marco leans forward a bit, and absolutely nothing happens.

“Okay, maybe a bit more than that,” Ace says, grinning, and Marco transforms his feet from his knees down.

The Striker makes a noise, the engine starts up, and the whole thing moves maybe an inch or two.

Marco huffs and looks down. He’s circulating the fire from his toes to his heels, just like Ace said. He’s seen Ace ride this stupid surfboard for months now; it shouldn’t be this hard!

“Like, this much fire,” Ace says,lighting up his arms from elbow to finger, and then gathers more of it in cupped palms. “Here, feel how much this is–”

He holds it out and Marco reaches out to touch it and get a sense of how hot it is and how much force there is in it. The second he touches it, though, Ace loses control of the fire with a yelp and there’s a tingle down Marco’s arms, a sudden rush at his ankles, and the Striker’s engine kicks up to a high whine.

The board shoots forward and Ace goes tumbling back towards the cockpit with a yelp, turning into insubstantial fire as he goes, probably out of habit. He crashes into Marco, suddenly solid again, and the flames roar that much higher.

It might have been fine, but bird feet were not made to hold onto flat ground and Marco hadn’t been braced for Ace, so they both go tumbling off the back as the Striker zooms forward under them.

“Hey!” someone back on the Moby calls out, but Marco’s got his own habits, and those are mostly that when’s he falling towards water, he needs wings.

His arms flicker into fire and he wraps bird talons around flesh, already trying to get lift. He gets facing upwards and makes sure he’s got Ace, but they’re low enough that Ace’s trailing hand hits the water.

His flame suddenly flickers and Marco screeches and flaps wildly; he needs height, he needs–

Ace draws himself up, clinging to Marco’s feet, and Marco surges upward with a caw, already headed directly back to the deck of the Moby Dick. He lands them ungracefully, more or less dropping Ace and tumbling himself to a stop, and he still has to take a second to breathe before he turns human again.

“Shit!” Thatch is yelping somewhere behind him when he gets upright again. “Ace, you’re bleeding!”

Someone hisses, and Marco scrambles up to standing. “Had to be solid or I’d’ve fallen,” Ace says cheerfully. “Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt.”

Ace is, in fact, bleeding. There’s several gouges from Marco’s talons, where he’d scrambled to catch Ace before he hit the water. “Shit,” he says, and reaches out to grab Ace’s arm. “That cut looks deep–”

Except it doesn’t, and then it doesn’t even look like a cut, and a second after that, it’s just blood on skin. Marco blinks.

“Uh,” Ace says, looking at his other arm, where a talon’d nearly pierced him. “That–that’s new.”

Marco lets go and Ace winces, so he grabs Ace’s arm again. They’re both quiet a second and Thatch says, “You okay, Ace?”

“Yeah,” Ace says, staring at Marco’s hand on his arm. “Yeah, I think I am.”

#Marco the Phoenix #Portgas D. Ace #anonymous #this ask is....so old i'm so sorry #answer in the form of a story #i need a better asks tag

[vinnylovell]

How To Overcome Brain Degeneration As You Age group

The unique thing about the actual brain is that it is one of the tissue in the body that does not experience cell division. Your own liver is always rejuvenating, so are your gut, your kidneys, and all your organs. Though the brain, whatever set amount of neurons (lack of feeling cells that send and receive electric signals throughout the body) you were born using is what you have throughout your life. So if the actual brain is incapable of regenerating itself, is degeneration an unavoidable outcome as we age? Fortunately, the answer is, not really. Here is why. Neurological plasticity Neurons connect with the other and develop plasticity. Neural plasticity is the ability associated with neurons and its systems to change itself both structurally and functionally in response to development, new information, sensory stimulation, damage, or disorder. Neural plasticity is, therefore, crucial to development, cognition, recollection, and mobility. It was once believed that neural plasticity merely existed in young individuals and that once neural pathways were formed, they were arranged and could not be transformed. Modern brain research has today revealed that neurons continually rearrange themselves through the entire course of life. In reality, new connections can take shape at any point in life, enabling people to gain knowledge and pick up new skills even at an advanced age. However, as you age, your brain is still likely to degenerate unless you do something to alter the process. Factors behind Brain Degeneration 1. Poor neurodevelopment in certain regions of the brain Each person offers different regions of your brain which have greater connection or plasticity than additional regions. The more plasticity you've in a certain place, the better you are as well particular function manifested by the area. Your less plasticity, the much less capable. For example, once you were a kid so you tried to play sports. You were not coordinated and other kids made enjoyable of you. So you halted playing sports and you avoided sports when you grew up. Then the region that represents your vestibular generator system never got a possiblity to develop. As you get more mature, neurodegneration tends to show up first in areas that have less plasticity. If you are someone who did not have a very created motor coordinated muscular system because you never played out sports, you are very likely to have instability, vertigo, or dizziness as you age. Or maybe you were bad at math when you were in school, so that you avoided all mathematics while growing up. Therefore, the parietal, prefrontal, and substandard temporal regions from the brain will have less plasticity. As you get older, you may find you are no longer as good in remembering things or your grocery list. That is why in terms of the brain, the saying which "if you don't use it, you may lose it" is indeed very true. 2. Brain inflammation Inflammation in the brain is totally different from infection in the rest of the system. In the systemic defense system, there are suppressor cellular material that can shut down the actual immune response to control down the inflammatory course of action, the brain does not. Inside the brain, there are mainly neurons and glial cells. Glial cellular material support, protect, as well as nurture the neurons; they clear away metabolic debris such as the beta-amyloid plaques perfectly located at the brains of Alzheimer's disease patients. They are also the resident immune cellular material in the brain, but they don't have an off swap. Without intervention, when activated, they remain on, become hyper, along with cause chronic swelling in the brain. (Please read on to see ways to decrease brain inflammation.) Factors like upsetting brain and spinal cord injuries, ischemia stroke, infections, poisons, and autoimmunity activate the particular glial cells. This condition is frequently associated with a compromised blood-brain buffer, which is a finely woven mesh of specialized cellular material and blood vessels which keep foreign ingredients out of the brain. When this barrier is damaged, it becomes permeable or perhaps "leaky". This allows toxins and pathogens to enter the particular brain. It also allows swelling that originates elsewhere in the body to get into the brain and start the inflammation reaction there. Chronic brain inflammation reduces neuron plasticity and leads to degeneration. It shuts down wind turbine in the brain cells, resulting in mental fatigue, brain fog, and memory loss. It is also associated with numerous neurological along with psychiatric disorders, which include depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, Alzheimer's, as well as Parkinson's.

Top 5 Ways To Handle Brain Degeneration 1. Blood sugar stability Without doubt, blood sugar dysfunction may be the number one risk factor that devastates the brain. This includes getting prediabetic, diabetic, or hypoglycemic (minimal blood sugar). When a person eats too much carbohydrates, which turn into sweets in the blood, your body puts out more insulin to bring the blood sugar down. Too much blood insulin activates the glial tissues in the brain and causes substantial inflammation and stimulates the neurodegenerative process. Within hypoglycemics, there is an insulin spike too as the entire body attempts to bring down your blood sugar after a large carbohydrate meal. When the blood sugar drops lacking, the brain cannot acquire enough fuel. They become spacey, lightheaded, shaky, along with irritable. Hypoglycemics cannot proceed too long without eating. If you want to determine whether there is a blood sugar issue, basically ask yourself how you feel when you eat. The normal reply would be, I am not eager anymore. There should be no alternation in energy and function. Nonetheless, hypoglycemics will typically say, I feel so much greater, I feel I can perform again. I can feel. I am not hungry any more. That is a sign that they're dealing with a low blood sugar rollercoaster ride. Those who eat a meal and wish to take a rest, crave sugar, or need to have a coffee instantly are insulin proof people. They are for the prediabetic or diabetic facet. Scientists now think that chronic blood sugar instability play a huge role within the development of dementia and Alzheimer's disease, enough to the point that will some researchers are usually calling Alzheimer's "Type 3 diabetes" as a result of inflammatory blood sugar relationship. Hence, blood sugar balance is irrefutably the most important the answer to address when trying to improve brain function. In addition to managing your blood glucose through diet, many studies have shown that irregular fasting has a substantial impact on brain inflammation. This turns on an important course of action called autophagy, in which you get rid of the metabolic debris in the brain and you turn off your glial cells. The most common intermittent fasting schedule could be the 16/8 method which involves fasting for 16 several hours and restricting your day-to-day eating period to eight hours, say midday to 8 pm. 2. Initial of the brain The areas of the brain that you do not use may have less plasticity. Therefore, you will need to challenge your brain to avoid it from degenerating. In case you always have a hard time with math, get a mathematics app and start performing multiplication tables or perform math games which elementary school children do. If you are often questioned with people's faces or shapes, perform games like Tetris that you look at shapes and try to fit them in to different spots. Should you sway or get rid of your balance when you near your eyes while standing up with your feet collectively or on one feet, you get to do much more balance exercises. The secret is to keep all areas of your respective brain active and triggered. Watching TV is inactive and does absolutely nothing to help the brain. Instead, accomplish cognitive things like become familiar with a new language, enjoy Sudoku, or do word puzzles. Be an athlete, be a scholar, that is the way to preserve your own brain. 3. Physical activity Exercise advantages your brain in two techniques. One is biochemistry and yet another is plasticity. The types of exercise that raise your heartbeat change the neurochemistry in the brain. Larger heart rate equals more blood flow, more blood circulation, more growth components, and more brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). Workout also causes neuronal branching, results in an opioid response, along with calms down infection. In short, exercise just keeps your neurons healthy. Physical activities that require more coordination enhance neuronal plasticity in those areas of the brain. For example, in case you ask a patient which has brain injury in the vestibular system (balance center) to do bicep waves while standing on a new BOSU (unstable surface), he/she may well feel totally exhausted prior to muscles get fatigued. The patient may think that he/she is so out of shape, but actually, it is that the main brain that has an issue. As a result, if you are someone who just runs, bikes, as well as swims, adding exercises that involve multiple flatlands will help develop the aspects of the brain that are responsible for dexterity and balance, which can be essential as you get older. 4. Sleep Your brain cannot function in a sleep-deprived express. Your brain cannot part. It  cannot develop plasticity and it cannot get rid of particles when it is in a sleep-deprived point out. Studies clearly show that when people do not get adequate sleep, over time, the particular brain volume decreases in dimensions. So for whatever reason you're not getting enough high quality sleep, be it repeated nighttime urination, too much stimulation from the blue light generated by simply electronic devices, hormonal instability, or low blood glucose levels causing you to wake up, you should address the problem. Normally, without good sleep, there is no chance that your brain could work well. 5. Nutrients along with supplements The number one nutritious for turning lower neuroinflammation is short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs). The 3 primary SCFAs critical to wellness are butyrate, propionate, and acetate. SCFAs are built by gut microorganisms from the digestion as well as fermentation of dietary fibers. SCFAs can modulate neuroinflammation because the gut and the brain are usually intimately connected by the vagus nerve, which is the highway through which signals from hormones, neuropeptides, and microorganisms travel back and forth. Throughout studies, SCFAs have been implicated in several neuropsychiatric disorders, from Parkinson's to autism. These people were found to have a lower abundance of SCFA-producing bacteria in their gut as compared to healthy individuals. Forms of fiber that advertise the production of SCFAs in the intestine Inulin found in green bananas, rye, barley, sprouted wheat, Jerusalem artichoke, don't forget your asparagus, and onions. Pectin present in peaches, apples, grapefruits, grapefruit, apricots, peas, tomatoes, potatoes, and peas. Fructooligosaccharides (FOS) found in Jerusalem artichoke, green apples, garlic, asparagus, leeks, yellow onion, and chicory root. Resilient starch found in natural bananas, plantains, cooked along with cooled rice, carrots, and legumes. Arabinoxylan found in wheat bran. Dealing with Brain Degeneration As You Age Apart from eating foods that are rich in these fibers, you can also make use of fiber supplements. They're called prebiotics or prebiotic materials because the good microorganisms (probiotics) in the gut prey on them to produce SCFAs. Foods that contain SCFAs Butter and ghee. There are also butyrate (or butyr acid) dietary supplements available. Individuals with severe brain inflammation should consider employing both prebiotics and butyrate. Health supplements that reduce brain inflammation Omega-3 fish oil Resveratrol a polyphenol found in the skin of red grapes. It can cross the blood-brain barrier to help reduce brain inflammation. Turmeric/curcumin any spice commonly present in curry powder. It can also mix the blood-brain barrier. Liposomal fluid curcumin has 4-8 times more absorption than the powdered ingredients form, which is tougher to absorb. Pomegranate extract Carol Chuang is a Certified Nutrition Specialist. She has a Experts degree in Diet and is a Certified Gluten Specialist. She specializes in Metabolism Typing and Functional Diagnostic Nutrition. For more information about cach dieu tri benh thoai hoa nao resource: read more.

[waterparchive]

Track By Track: ‘FANDOM’ with Waterparks

Brii Jamieson – October 21, 2019

Because who better to explain 'FANDOM' than the lads in Waterparks?

So now that we've all had a chance to listen to Waterparks' new album 'FANDOM' and properly mull it over and digest it, we thought that this would be an opportune moment to go through the album in more detail. But rather than us explaining the themes and nuances of the songs on the album, we asked Waterparks to talk us through each track on 'FANDOM'. Here we go.

01. ‘Cherry Red’ Awsten Knight: “I had another demo that I was doing of [‘Cherry Red’], and the file got corrupted. And I was like, ‘Fuck’. I couldn’t open it anymore, and dragged in all the pieces of audio, and just made new tracks of audio. I was going to try and rearrange it to the way I had it, but I pressed play and it sounded like ‘Cherry Red’ when it kicks in. I was just in my room like, ‘Oh shit!’ I was like, ‘Well that’s that’.

“That was fucking wild - but that’s the start to the best album in the world. It gives hints to the last song, because that last song goes, ‘So I must be dead’, and this one’s like, ‘You know I’d die for you’ - get it?”

02. ‘Watch What Happens Next’ Awsten: “‘Watch What Happens Next’ is me just being all, ‘Fuck y’all’. Not all of y’all, just like, a lot of y’all. Most of y’all. All of y’all!

“I overthink shit, a lot of shit. I’m in a band. I overthink being in a band a lot. And one of those things that I’ve overthought is how most other genres are able to celebrate their successes, and it’s a very looked-down-on thing in ‘band world’ to talk about most shit besides feelings. It’s really weird, and it doesn’t really make sense. It’s naïve to pretend that that’s the only thing that exists, and also kind of bad because it panders to people that are just stuck in this cycle of being fucking sad all the time. It makes for mopey high school kids - like me!

“It’s about, in the same regard, how bands aren’t allowed to experiment as much with music as other kinds of people. This isn’t me shitting on it - this is me saying we should be allowed to do it. But hip-hop albums that I really love are super fuckin’ artsy, and if a band were to do that it would be like, ‘What the fuck are y’all doing?’ because when a band switches up the tiniest little thing, [fans] are not about it at all. And it’s super dogshit, it’s very weird, and I think it holds the genre back as a whole, so it was a very frustrating thing for me. So I wrote about it, as I tend to do.”

03. 'Dream Boy' Awsten: “‘Dream Boy’ is about fan expectations. It’s about being built into something, based on an idealised version of you - an unwarranted one, at that - where people look at you as a certain thing. They see you online as, ‘Oh, he’s this and this and this’, and they put what they need you to be into their heads. It’s built into this thing that you cannot live up to, and it’s ultimately going to lead to disappointment - on their end, and my end, because it doesn’t feel good to let people down. But that’s just what happens. Pop banger, dude!”

04. 'Easy To Hate' Awsten: “That one was a ‘Friendly Reminder’ song actually, but it was just a really good song and everyone said I should keep it, and I was just like, ‘Yo, you’re right’. It’s about a break up. Yeah.”

05. 'High Definition' Awsten: “You guys are gonna make me cry by the end of this, and I’m gonna be like, ‘I hope you’re happy with this feature and you get your clicks’. Here we go.

“‘High Definition’ was the latest set of lyrics written for the album - it was the last thing. It’s about not being able to get close to people, because of what we do, being gone all the time. Or, you know, starting to have some kind of stature and not trusting the people who hit you up, because people may not have done so much before.

“There’s a song that’s all, ‘Back then hoes didn't want me, now I'm hot hoes all on me’ [Mike Jones’ ‘Back Then’] - but not in like a bragalicious way. It’s an, ‘I’m like really lonely, I hate all of this’, kind of way. It’s like that.”  

06. 'Telephone' Awsten: “‘Telephone’ was written when I was super fucking depressed - surprise - and I was at Target. I saw a cute girl at Target, and instead of being like, ‘Sup’ - I would have never done that anyway - I went home and wrote a super obsessive love song, and it was so tight.”

Geoff Wigington: “He called me and was like, ‘Dude, I’ve just seen the prettiest person at Target, I don’t even know what to do - I can’t find them now. I think I’m just gonna go home and write about it’.”

Awsten: “Did that happen?”

Geoff: “Yeah!”

Awsten: “Alright. Either way, I also don’t remember what they look like anymore. Because I saw the responses when I said that were like, ‘What does she look like, blah blah blah missed connection’, and I honestly don’t remember. It was like, January 2018. Yeah, so that song’s that.

“There’s another reason that it almost wasn’t on the album - the original version was kind of pop-punk sounding, and I was like, ‘Fuck that’. But the other reason is, I was trying to decide if it takes away from the album - but it doesn’t though. Because with some of the other themes of the album, it counts as the sugar-spike in [‘Fandom’]. Because when you’re dealing with some shit, you have hard ups and downs, and it’s kind of like a manic thing. It’s lodged between ‘High Definition’ which is a very lonely, isolating song, then you’ve got the ‘AAAAAAH!’ (we pretend that ‘Group Chat’ isn’t a thing for a second), and we have ‘Turbulent’. So it’s between those guys. That’s how it’s meant to be. It’s like, low - very high - very low.”

07. ‘Group Chat' Awsten: “Let’s talk ‘Group Chat’ dude.” [They literally just performed ‘Group Chat’ here. That’s the whole thing].

08. ‘Turbulent’ Awsten: “I was like, ‘I’m done with break up songs dude, I’m over it’. Then I got re-mad at some new shit. Then I was like, ‘You know what though, if we’re gonna do this, it’s gotta be crazy different from everything else, sonically and lyrically’, so instead of approaching it like, ‘Eh’, it was like, ‘Fuck you nerd, I’m way tighter than all of this shit’. Oh my god, and then sonically it was just so dark and shiny and fast, and I was like, ‘This is the best’. [‘Turbulent’] was the turning point for ‘Fandom’ - that was the first thing made after being like, ‘You know what, that one is not going to work, we’re gonna start over’. That was the first thing, and then I was like, ‘Oh, this is what we’re supposed to be doing, alright’.”

09. 'Never Bloom Again' Awsten: “That song has been in the process of being written since 2015. I’ve got real old versions of that. But the thing is, it just kept evolving - I kept doing new verses, and changing things in the hook and stuff like that. And there was a version of it that was ready around the time of ‘Entertainment’ - it wasn’t quite the same, but the reason it wasn’t on there was because I was like, ‘If it’s only 10 songs, there shouldn’t be two acoustic. That might be overkill’.”

10. 'I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don't Wanna Die Anymore' Awsten: “‘I Miss Having Sex But At Least I Don’t Wanna Die Anymore’ is about missing having sex… but not wanting to die anymore. In the verses, I was just trying to talk directly to the fans - the first one that’s like, ‘Stop asking me that, don’t ask me that, I don’t wanna do that, I don’t wanna do that either’. It’s always somebody’s birthday. Always. But that song leaves nothing to be imagined… If somebody is like, ‘What’s that line mean?’, I’d be like, ‘Can you read?’. When I say all the lyrics in this album are a lot more blunt, this one is the perfect example of that.”

11. 'War Crimes' Awsten: “Oh. Bud-dy. Oh my lord. What a crazy song. Initially there was another version - or when I first started doing it, it was like a girly base and I was like, ‘Shut up Awsten! We’ve got way tighter shit to say’. It’s me venting about the past year and a half, but it’s like an overview of that time, and is just me bitching about all of it, because bitching is great.

“I mean, we’ve toured a lot, so we’ve experienced a lot with other bands. We’ve experienced a lot just with other people in general and how they are, and how they treat you when things suck - or when things are tight. Or how they treat me because I’m the singer, and he’s just the drummer!”

12. ‘[REBOOT]’ Awsten: “Oh man, that’s like the pettiest breakup song, but it’s so great. I sing so quick in that song, it’s really fun. I wanted that one to come out before [the album] because I worry when songs are towards the back of the album that they’re just not gonna be heard as much, and it’s just a little more sonically… I don’t wanna say low-key - but other songs slam, or I’m like screaming and shit. I wanted to make sure it got its highlight.

“And plus, shout out to those Marilyn Manson-sounding vocals in the chorus - because I didn’t want it to stay the same dynamically, but when we tried to make it go up it just sounded dumb. I was like, ‘Do you know what we have to do? We have to go gloomier. Just sink that bottom half with some real dark shit, some real minor stuff in there’. We made it sound just like Marilyn Manson and it was crazy, and I was like ‘there it is! Bop!’.”

13. ‘Worst’ Awsten: “‘Worst’ was written in March 2019. That’s a lie.

“‘Worst’ started the way most demos do - on the laptop. But then I got upset! And I went and walked to Starbucks and put it on YouTube one morning after seeing some stuff online, and left it unlisted for a minute because I knew our old label would be like ‘waaa’ about it. So I left it up for a minute on unlisted so if people had the link they could find it, but then I deleted the tweet. So I just let it circulate, and dude that shit had like 30,000 views, which back then was like, a lot - because that was back before ‘Entertainment’. Then they made me put it on private, because they found that and Felony Steve: rest in peace Felony Steve (he’ll be back). But then people kept re-uploading it, and one of them has like 400,000 something views right now, which is crazy. So I was just like, ‘I think I can do that song way fucking better’, and sonically it’s completely different now. Yeah, that song is fuckin’ tight. It’s one of the more genre-unique songs on the album.”

14. ‘Zone Out’ Awsten: “‘Zone Out’ came before ‘Dream Boy’ - it was stuck in my head for a long time, and finally I just recorded that chip-tune version of it, for me. But it was kind of ad-libby and shit. So once I got more of the lyrics together I did that. I was just listening to it on repeat because I was like, ‘This is so beautiful’, but then I was like, ‘You know what, this song should be like a full-on pop banger’, and then ‘Dream Boy’ happened. But it’s meant to be like a reflection at the end of the album, kind of like, after all this shit. And it’s kind of more shaky sounding, low… a little more sarcastic at that point.”

15. ‘I Felt Younger When We Met' Awsten: “What a fuckin’ hit. Yeah, that song, there was a version of it for ‘Friendly Reminder’, but it was just super light and it just didn’t do its job. I was like, ‘It’s just not impacting the way it needs to, so it needs to be rewritten’, and now it’s the fucking most insane intro on the entire album - oh my god. When we first got that at the studio, I was in the car with it and I was just like, ‘Woah’, turned it up way to loud, and just started it over when it got to the verse. So crazy.

“That song lyrically links back in to ‘Cherry Red’ - because it’s all meant to be very cohesive, even with the album art and stuff like that. Like the clock hands on the orange - that’s supposed to be the visual, and the ticking at the end represents that it’s about to start over again. Because it’s cyclical! Because guess what, dude? One of the fucking themes, part of the concepts of ‘Fandom’ is grief, and grief is a fucking loopy thing, it’s not a straight path - sometimes you gotta start over again. And you know what? The album did that: sonically, visually, conceptually. It’s a concept album, give us a five.”

https://www.rocksound.tv/features/read/track-by-track-fandom-with-waterparks

#waterparks #waterparks band #waterparks interview #awsten interview #awsten knight #geoff wigington #fandom #rock sound