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minki-moo · 8 months

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♡‧₊˚ 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙖𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙥𝙩. 1 ♡‧₊˚

pairing ♡ mingi x f!reader rating ♡ m for mature tags ♡ office au, boyfriend!mingi, long distance, petnames (mingi calls reader baby), suggestive w/c ♡ 800 pt. 2

a/n ♡ so i originally posted this on ao3 and since it did pretty good on there i decided to post it here too. pt.2 is already done so i'll be posting it right after this one. pt. 3 is also in the works so i hope you enjoy!!!

you look at the clock. 9 pm. you hold back a sigh. it's been a week since your boyfriend left for his trip, and you can't say you're not disappointed. you had just gotten together after months of the both of you being absolutely clueless about each other's feelings. when everything seemed to be going smoothly, his work pushed a 2 week business trip onto him. and if it couldn't get any worse, with his trip and your workload suddenly increasing, you barely had any time to call each other, and when you did, the call wouldn't last anymore than 5 minutes.

you plop into your bed, exhausted from work. as you scroll aimlessly through your emails, you get a text:

minki <3: good evening shnookums

you smile as you read his text, silently cursing him for being so adorable

you: good evening princess

minki <3: how was my wittle cutie patootie

you: better now that i can talk to you <3

minki <3: awww ur making me blush

minki <3: …i miss you

as you reread the last text over and over again, different feelings start flooding your mind: lovesickness, longing, sadness, and…lust.

yes, you haven't been dating for that long, and your busy schedules made it difficult to meet up. mingi, being the gentleman that he is, always made the most out of your dates; taking you out to different restaurants you've always wanted to try, and planning other fun things that made you fall for him every single time.

although those sentiments were very touching and thoughtful, you have to admit that you were ready for more. you were ready for more than little pecks on the cheek, you were ready for more than tentative cuddles while watching tv.

the problem is, you don't know how to bring it up to him. mingi always seemed so happy whenever you had time for each other that you convinced yourself that where you guys are right now is enough.

a loud ring shakes you out of your thoughts. you look at your phone, a bright "minki <3" pops up on the screen. clearing your throat, you answer the phone and put it on speaker, letting it rest on the pillow beside you.

"hellooooooo beautiful~", mingi's soft yet melodic voice makes your heart skip a beat.

"you were taking a while to answer, so i thought i'd call you. are you doing ok?"

you take a few deep breaths, hoping he didn't notice how your breathing had become uneven.

"no no i'm ok, just a bit tired", you reply.

you could practically hear the pout on his lips when he replied.

"awww you shouldn't be working too hard. how am i supposed to talk to you if you're tired?".

you chuckled as he continued to curse at your workplace for making you work so hard.

after a brief silence, you hear mingi take a deep breath, and proceed to say something that made your efforts to stay calm go to waste.

"i wish i was with you right now."

calming yourself down, you manage to reply, "i wish so too, mingi."

"oh really? it doesn't sound like it". his voice practically oozed with sarcasm.

rolling your eyes, you say, "of course i want to be with my boyfriend".

"well i don't believe you~", mingi says in a cute little sing-song voice.

"then what do i have to do to prove it to you?".

"kiss me".

huh???, you think in awe. "mingi, darling, you're miles away, how am i supposed to kiss you?"

"kiss me through the phone~", he replies, as he continues singing the rest of the song in an out of tune voice that makes you giggle.

"ok ok fine", you say after you stop giggling.

you pucker up your lips and give your phone a big smooch. a small laugh from your phone makes you smile.

"thank you, love. i really needed that".

you and mingi talk a little more before he dozes off, still on call. you let the call continue, not having the heart to cut it off. picking up your laptop, you start working on an email while listening to mingi's deep breathing and incoherent mumbles.

"mmh, baby".

you freeze, slowly turning your head towards the phone, not believing what you are hearing.

you hadn't noticed before, but small moans had accompanied mingi's breathing. your face starts to heat up as you struggle to keep your heart rate down. what was he dreaming about that made him say stuff like that in his sleep?

"fuuuuck yeah, right there".

this was the last straw. you quickly grab your phone and end the call, still in shock at what you had just heard, and ashamed at yourself for letting it affect you the way it did.

after calming yourself down, you close your laptop and head to bed, your mind reeling over the phone call you just had.

#ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez x reader #mingi x reader #mingi #mingi x you #mingi smut

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wetcatspellcaster · 1 month

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I can totally get why you feel pressured with Pieces! When you write a popular fic, you do write it for yourself, but it's hard not to think of the thousands of people who give you their undying support, and you want to do right by them!! But, we are here because we love your writing (all of it. If I told you how many times I've reread Party Favors... Or dipped my toes back into An Honest Lie. God, God. I'd say too many, but it's honestly not enough) and we are here for the ride you choose to take us on. I have a firm belief in your abilities that has been proven true again again.

Personally I love your writing because it's amazing and well thought out, not because it's perfect. Which isn't to say that I notice any flaws (because I don't) but it is to say that perfection is unachievable. Pieces is fucking ambitious as hell, and you are slaying with each chapter, but you also aren't being paid. We are all freeloaders off of your google doc. Don't sweat about it too much.

That being said the last chapter had me SCREAMING. SCREAMING. I AM UNWELL!!!! THE HAIR REF,,,,,,,,,, HIS LITTLE CATTINESS,,,, ROSE BEING CRINGEFAIL,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ugh. UGH! IT'S JUST LIKE THE GOOD OL' DAYS ONLY NOT AT ALL AND EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

hello petal! thank you for sending this! I have been very tired for the last week or so, so I'm sorry to say that is why it sat in my askbox, I didn't want to not do the reply justice.

Thank you for being so kind! I'm really glad you enjoy my writing. I will 100% admit that I didn't think Pieces would become what it did, it's honestly amazing and I'm consistently blown away by the response it gets from readers and how nice everyone is, but it is very strange to write something ambitious just for your own curiosity versus suddenly hundreds of people getting an email when you're essentially 'fucking around and finding out'. I'm never going to complain! I'm very very lucky!! People like you now come to my tiny little tumblr and say nice things to me! But it has been a big change and it has definitely involved some adjustment lol.

It is nice to be reminded that some readers actually like the brand of Astarion/Tav I wrote before I touched an Ascendency AU, and that returning to that isn't a massive letdown lol. What is coming in the next few chapters of Pieces is a much softer brand of problem, and it's nice to be able to be a little kinder to the characters even if they're stewing in their own feelings! I hope people enjoy it when it happens, there is more repression and more absolute cringefail moments to come :')

I'm aware that I haven't updated anything in a few weeks, but unfortunately I am spending my days wrangling my PhD thesis and trying to edit it down to the wordcount. I have been writing, but I have not got an editing braincell in my body by the end of the day and that is why I haven't felt comfortable posting. I hope to be back soon, or at least by the end of the month once my draft is handed in. I know that's not what your purpose was in sending the message, but I just want to reassure you and other readers that I've not fallen off the face of the earth I am just. very very tired. Thank you for your kind words when my brain is on fire xx

#asks #lovely words from lovely people #my brain keeps falling out of my head at 6pm and i can't find it till the next day #i have drafted fic in this brainless time but lord knows if it's any good as it's just the visions managing things

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hummingbird-games · 24 days

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Dev Diaries

April 4th, 2024

😃When did writing updates become such a chore to me??? I remember when I was excited to share what I was doing, grrrrrrrrrr...

Well. Here's what's happening in Gemini World:

The Knight Dance HOPEFULLY will go live this month because the team and I are entering it in the Amare Festival. I really want y'all to play this game but I also have been working on it for so long that I want to check it off my list lol.

Please check Ko-fi for free posts (and if I'm not posting enough HSD on Tumblr, which, I'M SO SORRY!!!) The most recent thing I threw in the queue was a certain student's I.D. card 👀 but I have plans to put everyone's on there!

HSD: JY #2 is getting its updated, non-snapshot demo this summer! Also, I'd like to clear up some confusion. As awesome as it would be, the full game is not coming out this year. The focus is to put out this last demo and then hunker down and finish writing. As of this post, I decided to write Ryan's full route from top to bottom. His common route content and Billie's are the only finished ones (and may or may not make an appearance in the upcoming demo. lol idk yet). However, Ryan's route has been crystalized in my mind for MONTHS so I figure we'll get my boy out the way so I can focus on the rest of the children 🥲Remember, Florence still doesn't have an outline and das not good....

One of the things I want to be better about with this sequel is embracing the spectrum that is asexuality and aromanticism. I did...something with the first game ☠️ but I feel like the rep could have been better in a lot of places (and I identify as ace, not aro, so I KNOW rep could have been better 🤧)

Having a friendship route was a solid decision, and even if most players didn't fool with it, a few let me know that they played HSD #1 for that feature. Which is cool because I'm tired of playing games that make ending up with a friend character a consolation. FRIENDSHIP IS NOT A CONSOLATION!!!

That said, there are STILL so many things that I won't be able touch on in HSD #2, but I don't claim to be the authority on any sexuality. The above screen is only seen in the friendship route and gives flavor dialogue that can help players define their MC. As someone who came into her asexuality waaaay past her HS and college days, I didn't have the representation to better explain and understand myself, so. Yup.

Alsoooo while we're going on about this sequel, no spoilers but even if you pick a romance route, you're not safe from friend angst 🤷🏽‍♀️Now, if your MC is directly affected or just a poor bystander...?👀🔍

And that's it! April is gonna be SO MUCH FUN because so many game updates are dropping

Our Wonderland finale *sob*

TCT DLC bonus stories

Date With Death DLC Kickstarter

chapter 7 release date announcement for College Craze

Breathless Winds release

And other stuff I probably forgot! So yeah. Heading to work now, but I hope all of y'all have a great day/night, and I'll see you in the next update! 💛

- Gemini

#game development #gamedev #updates and things #the knight dance #high school daze: junior year 2 #( I did not check this for typos sooo that's a problem for future gem!!)

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sillybruja · 3 months

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keep reading if you wanna know about the craziest liar and well known spn roleplayer I've met on tumblr

I will never forget being on tumblr from 2011 - 2015 and being in the supernatural role playing community. It was both one of the best, and worst experiences of my entire life. I role played as Dean Winchester (and actually my page is still up, and I might start up again) and had a fairly large following.

during 2011, the SPN rp community just started growing so I, among a few of my mun friends, were like the "It girls and guys". It's so insane to think about it now, 10+ years later. There were people out there who did not roleplay that would follow me, and reblog my threads just because they appreciated by writing ^.^ it was so sweet. Back to my memory lol.

Anyways, I made friends with a rper on here who ran a Castiel account. We very obviously shipped Dean & Cas, and so did a lot of people. People even shipped us xD we had a ship name and everything. This person became my best friend in real time.

I really really thought I knew this person. He told me everything, every part of his life, every heart break from some dumb guy, every accident he's ever made, etc. I saw him as not only a best friend but a brother.

around 2013, my life took a turn -- things got more serious for me, and I fell off from roleplaying for a bit, and we lost contact. I remember he just eventually stopped responding to my messages. This wasn't okay for me because before he ghosted me, he told me he was really sick. I was always worried that the last text I sent him was the last I'd ever hear from him.

Eventually he did respond to me, and I remember him saying, "I'm fine, I might just be gone for a while. It's not your fault" and that was that. Mind you, I was 10+ years younger, and I really felt devastated.

Several months later, I logged back onto my roleplaying account. I remember being spammed with asks and messages about him. One of our mutuals sent me a message saying he had passed away a month prior. She showed me the go fund me that was started for him to cover his funeral expenses. My heart was shattered.

The next year was spent of thinking about him almost every day. I felt so sorry that things ended the way they did, and that he was gone. I honestly felt grief that entire year.

In 2015, I get this intuitive 'nudge' to check my tumblr again. This time when I log in, I see appreciation posts about him, and all of those feelings come back. I remember trying to get back into rping in honor of him, and I remember coming across an account that seemed awfully familiar.

This was another castiel account, almost identical in text, aesthetic, vocabulary, even same psds. I just knew it was him. I can't tell you how, I just did. I remember thinking I was crazy and that this was grief... but, unfortunately, I was right.

Eventually, I gathered the nerve to reach out to this account. I cannot remember the name they gave me. But I talked to them, and I sort of played detective lol.

I deeply knew it was him and felt like it was so wrong that he lied about everything, had everyone upset, and took HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS from people who donated for his funeral.

One day, I was just tired of being nice. I approached him about it all. Of course he denied it. I badgered him about it though, and I even told him that what he is doing is illegal, and that he owes it to people who are mourning a very much alive person.

I didn't stop until he came forward.

He said, "I'm sorry, I had to do this to be with my boyfriend" and my jaw was on the freaking floor.

I told him to come forward, or I will have to do something about this.

Of course, he did not. Instead, he deleted his account. I tried to make a claim against him, but it was never looked into.

I will never forget that.

and if he's still out there, I hope he actually understands the weight of his actions. and I hope justice gets served.

#erys ramblings #this was crazy #i really got traumatized from this #supernatural #spn #spn rp #supernatural roleplay #roleplay #rpg #roleplayer #roleplayers #roleplay blog #rp community #2012 rp #dean winchest #cas #castiel

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babychoko · 4 months

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𝔸 𝕤𝕚𝕝𝕖𝕟𝕥 𝕣𝕖𝕢𝕦𝕖𝕤𝕥

Part 16

Hi everyone, I can hardly believe that after almost a year I'm actually posting something again😳. So as not to throw you all in at the deep end, this chapter will be about togetherness. I'm not going to drop a bomb after a hiatus. So, no worries^^ and I am very sorry.

“And when are you actually moving out?" My neighbor, who lives right below me, asked me with a worried look. I only saw her in the stairwell from time to time. Nevertheless, we somehow had a good bond.

"Still this year. I actually wanted to move out straight after graduation. But we're bringing that forward a bit." I replied to her question.

"With the nice little young man?" She asked delightedly and laughed. "Oh, two people can't bear to live so far away from each other!" Embarrassed, I just smiled. Because what she said was true.

"I'll be very sad when you're no longer my neighbor. Not everyone your age is so calm. That makes you very worried about new neighbors." She sighed and held her granddaughter's hand tightly. The little girl looked very bored. She must have found a conversation between two adults very boring. That's how I felt back then too. I waited for ages until my mother had finished chatting to neighbors or friends in the store. I would have loved to lie down on the floor.

"I hope you get very nice new neighbors." I wished her.

"Oh dear, what am I going to do without you? Well, have a nice day. Say hello to him for me, will you? I'll miss him."

"I will."

He hadn't realized until today that he had quickly become the darling of my neighbourhood.

I carried the small box that I had fetched from my apartment outside with me. There were tubes of acrylic paint. I was planning to use them today. But not to paint any paintings. I wanted to embellish some furniture and white candles with motifs.

Flowers, birds..

But no cats. Venti swore to me that even the sight of cats would give him a sneezing fit. Besides, there were a hundred other things that could be painted. He even offered to recite the hundred things to me. Luckily for him, I had no intention of painting cats on dressers. I was thinking more of plants.

My bus arrived at the minute and I got on. I used the bus ride to get some rest after my work. There hasn't been much going on recently, but just being at work makes you feel tired. Yesterday I also arrived home late because my work colleagues invited me for dinner. It was still draining on some level to be somewhere that wasn't my home. I checked my cell phone after a few minutes. It still took me a long time to get to Venti, of course.

The thought of him made me think of my last encounter in a dream, but I didn't mention it to him until today and kept it to myself.

Maybe I should talk to him about it today and be honest with him. Because I can't lie to myself anymore, I've been clueless since last year.

That's true... I had been aware for a long time that there was much more to his past. But there was a problem.

When I think about it, I get headaches and dizziness. It hasn't gone away yet. I'd better find a tactic to communicate with him about it.

After the long bus ride, I walked along the small wooded area to his house. The trees were no longer bare, but very green - full of leaves. It looked very peaceful when a few rays of sunlight peeked through the gaps. The small daisies also embellished the pebbled path.

I rang the bell once before opening the door. And before I opened the door all the way, Venti fell in my arms. I almost dropped the little box of acrylic paints on the floor.

"Why didn't you call me! I could have picked you up!"

"I can stand it on a bus. Besides, you're not my chauffeur." I countered as I took off my boots and put the box in the living room.

"Buhh...! I'm so bored!"

After resting for a while with a cup of tea, we started putting the pea-sized acrylic paints on a pallet and placing old newspapers under the chest of drawers. This allows the floor to be unharmed by the paint. If we're going to use paint, then let's do it properly. Even our shirts were ones that we no longer wore and were allowed to get dirty.

I tied my hair up and only now realized how much longer it had become compared to then. Venti smiled at me. "It suits you!"

"Do you think so?"

"Mhm!" Maybe I should let them grow a little longer?

As soon as I grabbed a small brush and dipped them in the green paint a little, I started on the motifs. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary that I painted on the brown wood. It was just herbs or garlands. When I looked over at him, I saw him painting a little white bird. It was holding a clover leaf in its beak. I thought the bird looked cute.

We spent the rest of the evening decorating more furniture with little patterns and then some candles with flower patterns. When we got bored - I mean, when HE got bored, Venti attacked me with paint. It started small and innocent with a few little strokes on my cheeks, hands or shirt. Then with much larger spots and at some point the fun stopped before we should have washed ourselves off completely.

As a peace offering, Venti drew a little heart on my cheek. Judging by the look on my face, this was apparently not enough. So he lifted my chin and pressed a kiss to the heart he had drawn. Now he had a red mark on his lips. With a slight grin, I wiped his lips with my thumb. Of course, the stain didn't go away.

"What stupid ideas you come up with sometimes..." I sighed and looked at us in the mirror. "We should go to the bathroom."

Fortunately, the acrylic paint came off very easily and we walked out of the bathroom clean. I'm sure there's no more paint on us. I hope so.

As it got darker, the clouds gathered a little. I looked at the ceiling as I lay on the sofa. All the lighting in the living room was a certain shade of blue. It fell more on the darker, more grayish area. Then I looked at the window. What did they call it again?

When the sun went down, there was the golden hour... so is it the blue hour now?

Anyway, it looked very... calming. A touch of mystery. Especially because the branches of the trees were no longer green and brown, but looked more like a silhouette.

I turned onto my side and my gaze fell on Venti's naked back. He hadn't moved for a few minutes and was lying quietly on the sofa. Fortunately, this sofa could be converted into a bed, which I had only recently learned. He wasn't aware of this either.

I watched quietly as he breathed in and out softly. Then I stroked his back with my index finger. This caused him to contract his body. He murmured slightly.

"Mhm..."

"Venti, are you asleep already...?" I whispered in wonder. He answered me by shaking his head slowly.

As the window was open and the cool evening air was fresh, I moved over to him and put my arms around him. He seemed to have noticed.

"(Name), are you cold?"

"Yes... but only a little." I replied meekly. Venti turned around and pulled the woolen blanket up to my waist. Then, with a tired smile, he put his arms around my upper body.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk... of course you're cold when you're lying there without a blanket - better?"

I nodded. "True enough. You're sweet."

I played a little with the strands of his hair, some of which came undone as a result. Venti said nothing and closed his eyes, reassured.

"You are tired, aren't you?" I realized and stroked a strand of his hair behind his ear.

"I've used up my stamina, that's why." He replied with amusement, which then silenced me. Instead, I then placed my hand on this large turquoise mark that was between his chest. He opened his eyes and turned onto his back. I then lay over him with my upper body. The ends of my hair fell on his face.

I continued to inspect that turquoise mark he was born with. "I think it's beautiful." I whispered honestly. Venti smiled and closed his eyes as I placed a kiss right on the center. As I looked at him again, I wondered how long I would get to experience this sight of him. It was the way he always beamed at me or looked at me calmly, the way his hair fell in his face and his eyes lit up. A tinge of sadness flooded over me briefly. Venti noticed it.

"(Name)..." I took the coming words out of his mouth by pressing my lips to his. He placed his hands on my upper arms and we slowly changed positions. Now he looked down at me from above.

"What were you thinking about just now? You just looked unhappy." He asked me. I shook my head.

"Don't you want to talk about it?"

I wanted to, but I couldn't. How could I tell him that sometimes I felt like I wasn't going to see this sight forever?

"You can just tell me." He encouraged me. "Yes?"

I exhaled slightly. All right then.

"Are you planning... to stay with me forever?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know... but I want you to stay with me." I said, looking at him in a slight blur. Venti wiped his thumbs across my eyes.

"I want it too." He whispered, resting his forehead on mine.

Sometimes I wished moments like this would never end and I wanted to make the best of it. It hadn't been long since I'd even gotten intimate with him. Somehow it worries me what it will be like when we live together. This boy has the energy of a kindergarten child.

But at least I don't live alone anymore.

For this reason, I was grateful for every nice experience and wrote them down in a notebook. I hoped so much that I hadn't forgotten my notebook at home.

So where did I put the notebook?

"Mhmpf...!"

Venti rolled back on his back away from me, giggling.

"What was that about..." I grumbled and looked at him in confusion. Just then, he squeezed my cheeks tightly and pressed a kiss to my lips, leaving me breathless for a few seconds.

"You looked too peaceful. I had to help you out."

"Weren't you the one who didn't have any strength?" I asked.

"Yup, had!" He sat up once and stretched. Then he got up from the sofa and walked out of the living room.

"Don't you want to wear anything? You'll catch a cold." I remarked.

Venti just looked into the living room with his head. His big eyes glittered at me.

"Want a shower... you can come with me." He smiled innocently.

When I flung a pillow at him, he dodged it, giggling, and left.

"You can take a shower yourself. I know damn well how this is going to end. I'll go in after you."

"You meanie...~" I heard his voice from the hallway. I turned back on my heels and scrolled a bit on my phone. Seeing how much I missed on the internet, it actually meant I spent a lot less on my smartphone.

Internet dramas, discussions that went on for hours in comments.

No. I will never want to waste my free time like that. I actually only used the internet for inspiration, for university or to watch some stupid videos. Lately, more for university.

I then put my phone aside and sat up.

Maybe Venti really did feel lonely in the shower? But if I get into the shower with him now...

After a few scenarios from him, I had to sigh slightly. What a clingy boy. Oh well. You should enjoy any time you have, right?

I grabbed a shirt and pulled it over me and immediately took the other clothes with me before making the short walk to the bathroom. A little steam was already billowing out of the bathroom and I could hear Venti humming softly to herself. I leaned against the door with a smile and listened to him for a little while. He had the voice of an angel and harmonized every note of a song.

After a few seconds, he sang so quietly until there was nothing left to hear.

"Eheheh, do you want to keep peeping or come in?" Ahah, gotcha. I peeked my head in.

"I'm not peeping... I figured you might be feeling lonely or something. But it looks like you're fine."

Venti shook his head. "I don't feel lonely. But I'd feel better if you could be with me. We haven't bathed together for a long time, (Name)."

"Well, I'll come in then." Actually, I didn't mind at all. I left the door open a crack, threw our laundry into the laundry basket and took a hair crab from a small basket by the sink to put my hair up. I kept telling myself I would have to cut my hair again. But somehow it never happened... I was already enjoying wearing new hairstyles. Even if it was more work.

When I was about to take off my shirt, which I had on effortlessly, I could still feel Venti's eyes on me, even though I had my back to him. I undressed very slowly and still had the shirt practically in front of my front body, almost acting as a curtain.

"You're staring..." I mumbled, a little embarrassed.

Venti, who was now leaning against the edge of the bathtub with his upper body, giggled amusedly. "I think you have a very nice body." This comment made me wonder what he found so beautiful about my body anyway. I was never really satisfied myself. Was it my legs? Maybe my shoulders? I knew so many ideals of beauty that made me wonder.

"What do you find so beautiful about me?" I asked curiously, yet with uncertainty. I then put the shirt in the laundry basket and fixed my hair in front of the oval mirror that hung on the wall above the sink. Next to each mirror was a lamp on the side that glowed a warm orange. The whole bathroom was dimly lit, but you could still see everything clearly. I looked at myself in the mirror and had a self-image up to my décolleté. I could still see Venti in the background, looking up at the ceiling and thinking.

Ah, so he must be thinking?

"Hm, since you ask... what I like is that I feel secure when I'm near you."

I looked over my shoulder at him in amazement. Oh... so that's one way Venti perceives bodies? Like how it makes him feel? Normally you hear that your partner likes your thighs or prefers your hips... but something like that? That's the first time I've heard that.

"I'm not lying when I say I'm attracted to you. The way you look at yourself now, unclothed in front of the mirror, with this lighting - it reminds me of a portrait. If I were a painter, I would have fetched my materials quickly!"

Oh... I could clearly feel my cheeks warming up. I think that's one of the nicest compliments I've ever received.

"So don't get shy and turn around." He said normally.

"Now that you mention it, it's even harder... best look away when I get in the bath, okay?" I hid slightly with my arms around my bust. Venti giggled and leaned back.

"Well good! But it's not like I've never seen you without clothes..like now."

"T-That's different!"

"And you me! You've seen it a lot, haven't you?" He looked at me with a sideeye, amused.

"You mean... uh, yes. A lot, actually." I sighed and got into the tub. The water was still nice and warm, very pleasant. It was like being enveloped in a warm hug and never wanting to take it off. It may still be spring, but it's certainly not going to be very pleasant in summer.

"How's your driving lessons going?"

"It's all going well so far. I'm still worried about the practical part of the test." I confessed and leaned against his shoulder. He smelled good.

"Mhm, I've also heard that it's supposed to be more difficult than back then." The way he spoke, he sounded like an older man. But if my assumption was correct... then I wasn't surprised.

"Back then... when did you actually get your driver's license, Venti?"

"Let me think for a second... five years ago? Huh- why are you looking at me like that?"

Over the next few days, we continued to take care of my move to his place. We replaced furniture or improved it. Fortunately, I hadn't had very much in my old apartment. I can still live there because my tenancy agreement is still valid. It's not easy to move out of an apartment, but if the move to the new surroundings is nice, then it's certainly much easier to settle in. I have to admit that I'm already excited about living with him. But first we had to get through the stress of moving.

Heavy furniture such as my bed, closet and anything else that doesn't fit in his car will be brought here by a transport company in the near future. As soon as I get my driver's license, the journey into town won't be any more complicated. Everything seems to be well planned so far. A little too perfect to be true. It almost worries me when I tell him about my 'dream'. I didn't want to ruin anything. But many questions were running through my mind.

Would I really ruin everything if I confronted him? But knowing Venti, he would never get angry. I never saw him angry either. He was a person who could filter out a lot.

But a person as resilient as Venti must have experienced a lot of grief.

He never voluntarily talked about his family or mentioned his childhood. All I knew was how he got back on his feet a few years ago.

What actually pushed him into alcohol abuse? From someone who liked to live like a nomad and let his future fall on him unplanned, who could now pull it together?

I copied this train of thought from my mother. Sure, we had our arguments back then, but .

...when she asked me if Venti had a difficult past without really knowing anything about him, I didn't doubt her knowledge of human nature.

My mother liked to write novels all her life, which she never published. She preferred to stick to correcting other works to keep us afloat. In her spare time, she translated children's books into Braille, providing opportunities for children with disabilities. Out of my father's love, she learned the language. I still respect her for that.

And for these reasons, I'm sure I wouldn't be wrong if I asked Venti about it. A feeling tells me that I should do it as soon as possible.

One afternoon, I approached him as he was watering some herb plants on the windowsill in the kitchen. He didn't take his eyes off them.

"Are you taking a break from your thesis? How is it going? I might be able to help you."

"All good, thanks. I thought I'd give my eyes a rest for a few minutes." I went to the fridge and took out a carafe of homemade iced tea. I immediately took two glasses. It was only natural for me to pour a glass for him too.

"How sweet of you!"

"Mmm..."

I then put the carafe back in the fridge.

"Venti... have you ever had a twin?"

He jerked in surprise and let out a confused sound. Then he looked at me, frozen. Oops.

"Twin, you say? May I ask how you came up with that?"

I picked up the glass, but I didn't take a sip. I was a little too nervous for that. This question must have really surprised him.

"I had a dream not long ago about someone who looked exactly like you. He was just there."

"That's funny...I'm an only child." He scratched the back of his head, perplexed. "Nothing else was there?"

Before I could tell him anything, my mind seemed completely blank.

"(Name)?"

"No. Nothing at all." I whispered, holding my forehead. "I think I just saw you in my dream..." That headache again.

"Oh... I see." Venti then walked up to me and held a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "Maybe you'll remember it later and you could tell me more about it."

"Yeah... maybe." If only I didn't have this block. If only I could figure out a way to-

Weird. Wasn't there something I wanted to ask him? I grabbed the iced tea and sat back down to work on my thesis. And even though I tried my best, I couldn't shake this restless thought. He seemed to have noticed it himself, because I couldn't find peace to sleep at night. No matter how often I changed my sleeping position. It wasn't too dark in the room. The curtains were closed and a night light gave us a little illumination, but not so much that it was disturbing. I then sat up to turn my pillow over to the cool side.

"Are you in pain?" He whispered.

"You're still awake- ah, no. I just can't fall asleep." I then turned to his side. Venti had a few notes in his hand that he had been reading over and over again. Apparently he hardly slept either. He then put them back in a drawer of the bedside table and turned to me as well.

"Hehe, me neither."

We're in the same boat.

We both turned back onto our backs at the same time and looked up at the ceiling, sighing.

"Why can't you sleep, Venti?"

"Because I slept a lot during the day. And how about you?" Okay, that makes sense.

"Don't hold it against me, but somehow I've been worried for a while. Although I'm actually happy with the current situation." I confessed, fixing my hair so that it didn't fall in my face.

Venti looked at me in surprise. Of course it's not nice to hear your partner say something like that.

"Are you scared?" He asked.

"What should I be scared of?"

"Maybe of me?"

"Nonsense. Why would I be afraid of you?"

I smiled at him. He may be a person with unique abilities. It still doesn't change my view of him.

"I think it's more about the future. Things have been going a little too perfectly lately, you know. The thought that this can't be forever.... Is just awful."

I paused and looked at Venti's gentle face. He put his hand on the mattress. I then placed my hand on his.

"(Name), I don't want this to get lost either. What we can do is continue to be there for each other and make the best of life."

"Yes, that's true."

"But maybe something is actually missing in our lives... ah! More plants? Maybe a pet...?"

"What makes you think that?" I said with a laugh.

It's not uncommon for us to have late-night conversations like this.

"You're right. But what if we suddenly had a pet? Completely by accident, of course."

I raised an eyebrow at this comment. He was definitely up to something.

"It definitely won't be a cat." I reassured him.

"Nope... it's out of the question! Not even a cat would dare stray here. What's more likely is a child." He said, shrugging his shoulders. "With the amount of time we've spent being so productive, it wouldn't be surprising- eh? Are you asleep yet?"

I was already turned around with my back to him. The best way to reduce this chance is to just sleep now and do nothing.

He nudged me a few times.

"No goodnight kiss?"

Reduce chance..reduce chance...

"(Naame)." I turned only slightly and halfway to face him. Venti looked at me teasingly. "I know you can't fall asleep that fast."

I lifted a finger. "Okay... but just one."

"Mhm... Okay!"

Our lips touched gently once. I closed my eyes and tried to take in the moment. When we parted, I opened my eyes halfway.

Venti looked at me doe-eyed.

"Again..." I whispered, already admitting defeat.

Again and again, our lips found each other. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter... after each kiss, I could clearly feel how weak I actually was after him. And I was the one who set the limit. After all, I'm a joke.

At one point, I turned completely onto my back because otherwise my back would ache. Venti clasped his hands in mine and I did the same.

I have no idea how this happened again. Once it got to the point where we were sharing kisses, it took time to stop. They were often gentle, innocent and soothing.

And yet sometimes.

We breathed a sigh of relief when we broke away from each other. Slightly out of breath, we looked at each other. He brushed away the thin thread of saliva from the corner of my mouth with his thumbs. Perhaps we were already feeling guilty because we hadn't just had one kiss, but several. As always, we took this with humor.

"Well then - good night!"

"Mh?"

Venti threw himself back on his back and closed his eyes. He then snored softly.

Confused, I sat up and looked at him. He's really asleep..?

I burst out laughing and covered him up properly. An he said, he had slept a lot during the day? I lay down next to him and hugged him tightly. I made sure not to let him go.

Fate can be a mean traitor.

It wasn't long before that day actually came.

The day the universe betrayed me once again. And I stared motionlessly at the dark sky with dull eyes.

You'll live only once..? What a lie.

Is my contract already over?

Part 17 (coming soon)

Masterlist

#venti x reader #genshin impact x reader #romance #fanfic #love #genshin x reader #well they took their sweet time lmao #afraid of anothet hiatus #smooch smooch :D

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thetwelfthcrow · 5 months

Note

the best part of the fortnite articles wasn't even posted

Theres one with like 3 paragraphs going in depth about how lando was actually calling lewis "lulu" instead of "lewlew" and was "mocking and demasculating him" by "equating his name to that of a female's." (this is also inaccurate, for anyone who has fallen for it, because I've seen this idea floating around a few different socials). i wasn't feeling well mentally and had the day off, and i watched the whole stream. he ALWAYS referred to the lewis characters as "lewlew," usually in a very fond/excited to see them way/tone.

then this same article tried to claim he had his character bow at lewis' feet to make up for the mocking and i just — yeah. yeah. he meant to do that. that explains why he was so embarrassed he covered his face and looked away from the stream for several moments lmao.

and then don't even get me started on the oscar "mortally wounding" lando claim. that's based off nothing lando has ever said. he was disappointed in himself for making so many mistakes in Qatar, but he was never disappointed in oscar for doing better. He's mentioned Qatar and congratulated oscar in every single season in review video I've seen. This claim is based off some shit brundle was spewing. which is why i am once again, begging for all of the "British bias" bullshit to stop when it comes to non-merc drivers. Like there's a British driver on the grid who actually had the worst season of his career (I'll give you a hint: his name isn't in this message) and basically came last of the drivers in top teams that people had high hopes for, yet you still have brundle and sky calling him a future WDC and an imminent threat to lewis while basically throwing a #LandoNorrisIsOver party. The whole thing is quite funny.

(sorry if you got 2 messages like this, my internet keeps being weird so i wasn't sure the first one sent)

jesus fucking christ people are DELUSIONAL. i suddenly feel a lot better about overanalysing max/lewis as a ship, compared to people saying lando using a nickname is demasculating. i mean - lando is called lala by his cousin, i'd reckon he's got lewlew from it.

they are OVER analysing NOOTHING here. he didn't bow down he fucking clicked to make his character duck and then got flustered bc it looked like his female character was giving head to lewis lmao.

lando's the best fucking teammate on the grid. never seen anyone as supportive of his teammate as him. i think im not getting your lines but it might be bc i'm tired. and yeah british bias is the worst of all of them. even viaplay's dicksucking of max is nothing in comparison.

oh yeah my favorite british driver! how dare you speak truths about him. it's so fucked up to me how the british media is so fucking negative about good drivers (also w lewis' 'this is lewis' second season without wins' or something post like HELLO he's also a 7 time wdc) or how they (like everyone, really) keep underestimating lando. if i were british media i'd be embarrassingly proud of my countrymates. every mistake they make is fine dw you're the best and every good thing they do gets praised into the heavens. but no, of course they only do it with mr Public Relations. and not mental-health awareness lando or activist-for-everything and also the only black guy on the grid lewis.

fucking tired of F1 journalism. can they all collectively stop? scrap presscons too, only give us post-race interviews on the paddock and then w everyone and done. i'd be happy. all drivers will be happy.

#Anonymous #F1 journalism (derogatory)

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i-am-just-a-skeleton · 3 months

Text

i don't talk much about mental health stuff on here but y'know we're having a bit of a moment and i think it's best to get it out of the system so. i guess this is a vent post, fair warning if you do read any of it i will be talking rather extensively about my experiences with depression

anyway i really don't feel like. i mean, there are times i can convince myself that i probably don't actually have depression, like, i feel fine. most of the time, i think. but then there are times like the last few weeks, where i just get. sad, and lonely, and tired, and there doesn't seem to be any reason i should be but it's there anyway. and there are times i convince myself that even that's normal, i mean, it's not like i've ever actually tried to kill myself, right? i spent almost all of secondary school wishing i would just disappear like i'd never existed at all, i wanted to die, but i never did anything did i? i hardly even self harmed, i mean, i can remember, what, once? but like. it doesn't take much reflection to realise that it's not normal for a fucking child to be crying in a corner thinking it would be better for everyone if they were gone and planning to just stay there until they died, thinking or hoping that no one would even notice. but i have so many memories of that exact thing. from so far back. and in a lot of ways i think. i feel like my life was good, too good to justify my ever feeling like that. but god i was so fucking lonely as a child. i can count on one had the number of friends i had in all of primary school and. it's not like i was ever really alone, but it was always sort of, there was the group, and there was one or two members of the group i was friends with. and they all had other friends, but i didn't. i was just. hanging around the edges. until, i think about year 8, because my best friend (that was only the second person i'd ever thought of as my best friend. the first was in year 2-3 ish but he moved away and i never saw him again) had moved and there were. a lot of other things as well, my parents getting divorced, the very first hints of my first gender crisis, i'd just gotten diagnosed with autism and barely fucking knew what that meant but i did realise on some level that there was something wrong with me (which included registering the depression since i finally knew that was a thing. but at that point i'd been dealing with it for so long that it hardly felt like a serious problem).

but anyway, that was the first year i was really, really alone. i had no friends whatsoever for nearly all of that year and i was a mess. i honestly barely have any memories of it but there are several of crying at school which i. do not fucking do. because i. don't really cry anymore, i hardly can even if i want to. i did make new friends in the years after that, but still, the ones i was friends with then i don't really talk to now. and i do have friends now. but i still have that feeling, even though i'm more part of the group now, i have five or six frineds instead of one or two, i feel like i'm just hanging onto the edges, they're all better friends with eachother than any of them are with me, and. and the person who's been my best friend for the past two years is gone and i might never see them again and i'm afraid that even if i do they might. we both might be so different that we don't fit together anymore. i haven't seen them in months i don't even know if they're okay. i feel like i'm getting farther away from the rest of the group and i don't know what i'll do if i lose them too. i feel like i don't hardly mmatter to any of them, i barely speak when we're all together and so much of it feels like i'm trying too hard and i just. i feel like i don't care enough about people because if i did i would put in more effort to be a better friend i would put up more of a fight when i felt myself drifting away from the people i love but. but i don't. every single time i just let it happen and don't do a single fucking thing about it and then they forget me. and it probably is better that way because i was never a very good friend to anyone was i. i'm so scared that i'm never going to be able to live on my own but i know i'll never find anyone who wants to stay with me long enough or be close enough to me to live with me. no one cares and no one is going to care about me enough for that and that's fucking fine. i don't do a single fucking thing to deserve it anyway

anyway i don't have a nice neat way to wrap this up and i don't fucking care anyway because no one's going to read this far in the first place so

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surplus-of-sarcasm · 1 year

Note

HI would you consider doing a second part to the latest piece you posted? it's so good!! hope you're well :7

Sure!! I'm sorry it's a little late but to give you a reference of how much work I've got, yesterday I stayed up till 4 am doing homework, falling asleep at 5 am. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it ;).

Part 1 Part 3 Part 4

The Eighteenth One, Pt.2

TW: Torture mentions, blood, vomit, refrences to a difficult past

Villain makes their way out of the cell, relocking it again with their fingerprint which is difficult because they need both their hands to keep Hero's unconscious form from tumbling to the ground.

They stomp upstairs, their nemesis's body now slung over one shoulder, and they head straight to Supervillain's office. They knock carefully on the hardwood door and they're met with an exasperated sigh and "For the last time, I told you, Supervillain ca-"

Henchman immediately stops in their tracks, transfixed as they catch notice of their superior's face, one eyebrow raised in mild annoyance.

"I-I'm sorry, Villain. I didn't notice it was you and. . ." they stammer.

Villain cuts them off, raising one hand and then pointing to the door.

They smirk a little to themselves as Henchman scrambles aside to let them through. They were guilty of having a taste for power. It could've come come from the many years they'd spent stripped of control, fighting to scratch out a name for themselves, even if they had nothing but their own nails and teeth.

"Ah, Villain!" Their boss's smile slowly fades as they raise an eyebrow at the sight of the unconscious crime fighter in their arms.

"How did the interrogation go?"

Villain feigns a tired sigh of exasperation. "They won't talk. They're one of those 'moral high ground' types. And they seem to be trained to handle a lot. But definitely not what I've got planned for them."

Supervillain's eyes light up in that creepy, sadistic manner of theirs that had always secretly made Villain uncomfortable. "And what do you have in mind?"

"I've been working on something for a while now. Pain-inducing chemical with very potent effects. I needed a human test subject, and who better to fill this role than lovely, little Hero over here?" They shift the hero's body, so that they're in their arms again, and their stomach twists in knots at the fabricated, sick, twisted smirk that they know is playing on their lips.

"How ingenious! I'd love to see a demonstration." Villain had never seen their superior so nauseatingly excited as whenever someone was about to get hurt.

How could someone have that much of an affinity for pain?

"The thing is, the serum's back home, so I thought it'd be more efficient if all was said and done there." Their heart hammers in their chest, and the air seems to have been knocked out of their lungs, the facade of composure becoming more difficult to keep up.

After a few unbearable seconds, Supervillain nods their confirmation at them. Letting a small, fake grin cross their lips, they make their way out of the office, and let out a quiet sigh of relief.

They don't have time to worry about their sore arms as they drive to their house, Hero laying across the backseat.

They lift them into a bridal carry once more, and the crime-fighter begins to stir in their arms.

"W-whe-re am I?" they slur.

"My place. Supervillain took the bait, and you're in no condition to just be left like that on your own."

Hero nods shakily at them in response.

They insist on cleaning themselves up unassisted, showering and only letting Villain bandage up the wounds they can't reach.

But all of a sudden, Hero grips the doorframe with both of their hands and rushes into the bathroom. They grip the sink tightly with both of their hands and start dry-heaving.

They start to throw up heavily, and it's not just bile, but there's blood mixed in with it too.

Goddamn it.

They don't know what could possibly lead to this. Poison seems like the most likely option. They stand there, almost glued to the floor, their brain seeming to have short-circuited.

Villain peels off the sweater they lent them, now dirty and covered in vomit. They notice their back is covered in dull, ugly lacerations. Which weren't characteristic of Supervillain's prisoners before they even got the chance to be interrogated. Weird.

They place a hand on Hero's upper back, rubbing circles into it with their fingers. They've seen it in movies, and strange as it sounds, it was their only refrence for comforting touches, a seemingly alien concept in Villain's world.

It seems to have reached the desired effect because Hero eases up a little, letting their shoulders fall as the criminal dissolved the tension in them with their touch.

They wash the Hero's face for them. They shift their position so that they're sitting with their back against the bathtub. Villain hands them a glass of water from the kitchen.

"Drink slowly. Don't rush so you don't throw it all up again. Anyway, were you poisoned?"

Hero coughs a little. "Water wasn't clean. Nor enough. But it was this or total dehydration. You know how Supervillain cares that their guests get the best treatment. And I got lavished with extra pampering of course." They let out an inelegant snort, coughing again.

Villain feels an odd tightness rising in their chest. Hero was right. Supervillain had gone further than usual with hurting them.

"Thank you," the crime stopper breathes out, somewhat awkwardly.

"You're welcome."

"Uh, are you alright?" Hero raises a concerned eyebrow.

They must've pulled a face because they catch themselves, quickly settling the muscles of their face into a more neutral, unreadable expression, and almost forcibly relaxing their posture, and they stop fiddling with strands of their long, wavy hair. "I'm fine," they state imperatively, in a tone that leaves no room for futher discussion.

But here they were, all because one hero had spared them. Taking care of them as though they weren't mortal enemies. Could this be a tactic? Would they hurt them once they recovered? Their head burned with questions.

But their mind was in shambles. They'd never had doubts about their, uh, profession, if that's what they could call it. All what they'd been through had eaten away any guilt or remorse for the things they'd done. Sure, Supervillain was a nutcase, but they'd never let that disturb them. They paid well, so they put up with it. But now more than ever, it was starting to get to their head.

Or was this one of those hazy times where black and white overlapped into a grey blur and things weren't so concrete anymore?

#the little gremlin answers #prompt #hero x villain #angst #whump #i hope this thing is good #but I'm enjoying this particular storyline #female writers #writers on tumblr #writing

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captain-aralias · 1 year

Text

Life update

TL;DR - currently still pregnant at 21 weeks, baby is currently ok.

but spent the last 3 days in hospital, getting surgery to try and stop baby coming dangerously early. now back to being WORRIED ALL THE TIME.

if you want to read about that, i've written a post just to get it all out. it's quite bleak, even though we are hoping for the best.

triggers in the below: pregnancy, miscarriage, other death

so yes! it's been a weird week.

started really well - i started taking liquid iron and felt GREAT, shockingly good to the extent that i assumed it was a placebo effect and not actually my body. this is not relevant to the rest of the story, just that i was feeling really confident, not tired for the first time in ages, having a good time.

wednesday - i got a text from the NHS saying i had an appointment the next day. again, so confident was i feeling about pregnancy that my reaction was to be pissed off. no i didn't have an appointment, this was my week of no appointments!!! i was going to go into work for one of my mandatory two days in the office, wtf.

a physical letter arrived at my house a few hours after this and confirmed that i did indeed have an appointment i'd never heard of. the only information about what it was were the words 'obstetrics f/up.' eventually i realised f/up meant 'follow up', rather than 'fuck up', but i was still pretty much in the dark about what it would be.

but i went along anyway, rather than cancelling in a fit of pique because i HAPPENED to have the lunchtime of the next day free. i did not go into work.

the appointment turned out to be .... a scan, performed by a doctor rather than the normal sonographer. i actually had been told that they would try and book something like this at my.... obstetrics appointment, hence the name. the reason for booking in this appointment was that every time i go for a scan, baby is not willing to move around so it has been hard to get all the views that are necessary. and also i've had IVF.

again, i thought - this is probably a waste of time. i'm a low risk patient! i just have IVF because i'm queer, i'm actually dead good at pregnancy. but hey ho.

and indeed, first time doctor scanned me, baby refused to move. went outside, drank some water, she scanned someone else, i went back - they scanned me again. declared baby is fine! doesn't even have a short leg like we were worried about before, brill. but...

i seem to have a short cervix. that could cause early delivery. maybe we should scan me the other way to confirm. but she has to scan someone else first.

this is - as you may guess - where the story gets bad. although i didn't guess that yet. i thought - early delivery? no problem. you mean, like 2 weeks or something, cool. i've already booked my maternity leave to start 2 weeks early.

NO. it means - like, any time from now. even though baby will literally die if born now.

scan confirms that cervix is 1mm, instead of the 25mm+ that is usually no cause to worry.

doctor says - you need to go to labour ward now and probably get surgery, and stay over night.

i'm still living in cloud cuckoo land at this point, so my brain is like - stay over night? but i have one-time only dinner plans at fortnum and mason tonight (a true story, a gift from my partner's rich eccentric mother).

we go over to the labour ward - at which point, my brain starts to point out that this is not good. we're put in a birthing suite to wait for someone to come and talk to us. usually, i would be texting my friend who is also a resident of the same town and due to have her baby 2 weeks before me (OR MAYBE NOT) but i guess this is where it hits me that i might never get to the bit where we are in the birthing suite.

basically from this point onwards, i cried at least several times per day until saturday. midwives kept trying to comfort me. the next doctor they brought to talk to me and my partner (fortunately with me) basically acted like he was telling me i had terminal cancer (i do not have terminal cancer). he wanted me to know that the baby might still die even if we do the surgery, and also that doing the surgery might also break my waters, and then they'd recommend terminating as i'm only 21 weeks pregnant, and babies usually don't survive earlier than 24 weeks. even then - that's very premature.

there was some suggestion they might be able to do the surgery THAT DAY, but it didn't work out. so we were transferred to the antenatal ward, given a (different) private room, and my partner was sent home to get my stuff. she came back and stayed the night in the single bed - not as fun as the fanfic makes it look! particularly because even though we were off the main ward, we could still hear.... people in labour. and babies - like the one we might not have - crying. and beeping - lots of beepings.

also - one of my friends came to pick up my car, which i'd left on the street back when i thought that the appointment would be maximum 2 hours. i was vvv upset about the baby, but my brain wouldn't shut up about the car either. WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE CAR. until it was gone, and then it was 100% baby panic.

monitoring of blood pressure and temperature too, so - should you get to sleep, you will definitely be woken at 2am and 6am. amazing.

cut to the next day - no food, little water. a bunch of drugs, no surgery until 3.30. surgery includes being completely numb from waist down, which is great (genuinely). as well as pain relief, this really decreases the humiliation of being in a room with 10 people all looking up your hospital gown while you can't control your bodily functions.

the surgeon had come in for like 5 minutes earlier and this is not an exaggeration of our conversation:

him: you're having this surgery, it had a 50% chance of failing to get you to full term even if we do put the stitch in successfully, sign this consent form please no offence lovely NHS, genuinely amazing throughout this whole situation, but this is the first time anyone had said 50% chance of failure.

me: [signs form, since has no choice really] him: any questions? me: er... him: [literally already out the door, genuinely did not wait for an answer] midwife [still there, apologetic] as you can see, they're very busy. if you have questions, best to write them down and just say them loudly when you get the chance

everyone else in the theatre was super nice. although also kept asking me about the baby i was convinced i might lose within the surgery (do you know the gender? what are you going to call him?). surgery went ok. very quick. did NOT lose the baby ... at that point. but couldn't stop crying as soon as i got out.

still numb for 6 hours. catheter horrible. spent 2 hours in the recovery ward - still no food allowed - under a weird inflatable blanket. wheeled back to the antenatal ward.

this time, we were on the main ward - although it was pretty quiet because they don't schedule people in for stuff on saturdays. just two women there - both waiting for emergency c-section the next day.

while i was glad neither were in labour, it was still super awkward and upsetting to be on the ward with them. sound carried really well, so we heard all their consultations, including a bit where one of them had to describe her previous history of pregnancy, which included having twins - one of whom DIED. omg. cue - another crying fit for self.

seriously - my overall feeling coming out of this was how amazing the NHS is, how amazing it was that the doctor caught my cervix the day before it opened fully during a random scan for something else (because my cervix was fully open during the surgery, 24 hours after the scan. vv bad) the midwives were so lovely, the nurses were so lovely. they gave me loads of great drugs too (progesterone - my old friend from IVF), which will hopefully keep contractions away, in addition to the stitch.

BUT.... it was pretty hellish to be incredibly emotional and stuck in hospital listening to this stuff for 2 days, unable to sleep. very very likely some of the worst days of my life so far.

i'm back home, as of yesterday, which is amazing. slept a full night, and i'm 2 days out of surgery. the symptoms of the surgery failing are all things that i am feeling right now - like.... pain. contractions (is this a contraction, or is this the baby moving??) and maybe your waters breaking, which could happen slowly so how do you know it's not happening RIGHT NOW.

so - basically, i am still not in a good place emotionally, even though we haven't lost the baby yet. i realised that as well as just.... the very fact of the possible death of a baby we have given a name to (we couldn't use the name again for another baby, could we?) ... i think i'm also in shock for the idea of the life i thought i was going to have this year. i've booked my maternity leave, i was getting into baby mode - starting to largely only want to read baby books, etc. thinking about buying the wrap-top from the advert i watch every time i go into hospital where you can put your baby inside the top and have them skin-to-skin.

and the idea of baby dying and then having to go back to work, my friend having her baby 2 weeks ahead of when i should have had mine... it's just awful. i want the baby, i want to go on maternity leave.

baby coming early but still within a viable window (so - hold on another 3+ weeks) doesn't worry me so much, though is worrying my partner in terms of possible developmental issues of pre-term children. i probably just can't conceptualise this, because my brain is thinking 'well, at least there would be a baby.'

so - that's where we are. doctors and internet both agree bedrest isn't really necessary or helpful, but i have my drugs + antibiotics. 22 weeks is on tuesday. 24 weeks (so viable but very premature baby) - 7th february.

if we make it through february, we'll be in the third trimester, and start to get some good rates of survival if baby comes early.

me to baby (proposed middle name: alexander) every few hours:

heard lots of stories of things being ok and people getting to full term (or close enough) from friends and midwives, one of the trainees literally said this had happened to her. this partly reassures me, and also makes me think - surely that means there must be a need for people to be in the BAD 60-40% to make up the statistics, and that could be me. (i know that's not how statistics works, it's how my brain works).

final doctor - a completely different person to any of the others in this story - told me i likely have a good chance because i have no history of cervical damage, to the extent that they aren't sure why this has happened to me. but the internet told me that it's less likely to be ok if the cervix opened (which mine did), so maybe.......

and maybe these pains are bad pains, rather than i was cut open pains. and maybe my water is breaking.........

in conclusion - i'll be a basketcase for the next few weeks, probably. and then possibly very sad. or possibly it will be some form of all right.

no need to respond to this post, if you got this far! in fact, i might prefer it - i turned off comments on my (much shorter) version of this on twitter as it's all too upsetting. but wanted to let people know, and also record for posterity while i felt a bit more with it/less sad.

likes are ok, even though obviously there's not much to like - except the NHS!! and my friend who took my car home.

this post is also why i probably won't do the 15 questions post that's going around, because it talks about 'when did you last cry' and children, even though we all know the answers to that now. i just don't want this shit in a normal happy meme post.

anyway - hope everyone else is having a nice weekend, and making and/or consuming good art <3

#personal #aralias's baby #pregnancy #miscarriage #infant death #i haven't miscarried yet but warning people it is discussed

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stormcrow513 · 2 years

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Hagging Out- Semtember 2022- Hand Baskets

@graveyarddirt

So as some of you know this month went off the rails on me almost immediately, with my cat Shy passing on the 8th, which is the day after my oldest sister who died birthday, and also childhood trauma, September fucking sucks for me already, so I tried my best to occupy myself with #haggingout but well this probably won't be my best entry just heads up going in, also I wanted to do a separate Autumn Equanox post but lost the spoons so I'm Hulk smashing em together hope that's alright Dirty

It was appropriately overcast on the Equinox this year, also check out my nails I've never had em this long before (I chewer) and this weeks the fist time I've painted em since I was like fourteen! Having em long was helping me detangle Shys fur, she also liked me runing em across her head, so I was motivated to not chew, I couldn't cut em or chew em right after she died so the other day I decided to paint em for spooky season, funnily the last time I painted they were probably black to,

I didn't do to much for the Autumn Equinox this year I was having a pretty bad brain day so I did offerings to the land, to the Horae (the seasons), to the Anemoi(the winds) asking for a wet winter, they've been to dry lately, and thanking them for the harvest I got/am getting,

that loaded backwards, but fuck it you get the idea, I gave oats and some tea that was starting to go bad, I figure rotting leaf juice is a good land offering, I also finished the last of my solstice/equinox working, I started December 2021 I finished September 2022, whew, and I almost forgot to do it too!

So while I still have some pumpkins on the vine mostly the harvest is winding down, here's my broom seeds!

The strawberries were in great form this year though if I'm honest there freaking me out a little, back you mangy vegetation! back I say!

And I'm so freaking proud of my broom this year, last year I only got a couple up, this year I got 20 sets of three seeds to come up, we did have an unfortunate bird attack so I had to rapidly cut the seeds down before I lost them,

Here's a shot before they'd all seeded and rippend, and then got mauled by evil little birds lol

honestly I think my backyard itself is my basket this year, I'm so amazed at the work ma and I have done to it, I told you all in my bed hagging out earlier it was struggling in the heat this year?

Well as soon as the temps dropped a bit the everything started blooming, the butterfly hit, and we've got like forty different bee species, I saw a fucking praying Mantus going up our lattice, my dudes I've NEVER seen one of those in nature! Also ma saw a fucking humming bird at our butterfly bush! Never seen that around here! Also also a humming brid mouth took residence here for like three weeks, I'd seen one up in the mountains once a few years ago got it on camera and was like the fuck is this, and it was so cool to have one just hanging around chillin on all the flowers and really liking the sunflowers that crop up every year,

This backyard was such a ugly waste land when we got here,

We'd moved in October 2017, I worked my ass off that first year getting all that wood bits off the ground to keep my dogs from cutting up there paws on it, there was also plastic crap under it and the dirt I pulled up, and there were these metal things around the rocks I had to get up also a paw slicing hazard, and don't even get me started on the fire pit, I went to move it thinking it was a ring with spikes pushed into the ground oh no these dumb fuckers varied a regular fucking big fire pit into the ground, anyway here she is now:

Only sad thing is the line tree died on us, there was a bad winter followed by fires near by that bolted out the sun a had a film of soot over everything, it tired but this extremely hot summer did her in,

All in all though while I can't fit my whole yard into my hand basket I've got broom and pumpkin etc and hopefully more next year!

I also was able to get a Hekate statue I've been wanting since last year! I spent all month praying over her while passing her through smoke,

And finally, with how upset Mittens has been with the loss of her sister ma and I after discussing and prayers to my Gods decided to go look for a companion for her, I found a pretty 4 month old kitten in a shelter nearby, we've been having her be a little apart so they can get used to each other and we've kept kitten in the bathroom at night, funnily enough we had a basket in there full of stuff and I walked in couldn't find her at first only to see she'd stuffed herself in it around the stuff, we ended up giving her a different basket cause she kept smacking her stomach on the hard rim and they'd recently fixed her, so ouchy stitches!

I've named her Circe, she's the third cat I've had whose name I plucked from Greek mythology

Does she count? She is in a basket, lol, also took me a bit to show y'all her cause I needed to get her added in to my protection spells,

actually does any of this count I had a little trouble trying to fit this one with where I'm at right now, anyway thank you for the challenge Dirty and for hosting these! Love to you dear♡

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