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ninjabucky · 4 years

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My Girl

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and Bucky secretly love one another, but as friends, you’re both scared to admit your feelings to each other.

Warnings: Fluff, mutual pining, friends to lovers AU, talks of sex, implied smut at the end.

Word Count: 2,834

A/N: Heavily inspired by the song 'Be My Baby' by The Ronettes. I kept the song on repeat as I wrote this.

This is also for @simsadventures 1k writing challenge and I've just made the deadline!! I had the prompts: Mutual Pining and Friends to Lovers and I loved every single of writing this. Congratulations on your followers sweetheart. You're a treasure and you deserve so many more. I love you!!

The night we met I knew I needed you so And if I had the chance I'd never let you go

Sundays were your favorite day of the week because every Sunday you and your best friend James, or Bucky as he liked to be called, came over to your apartment and the two of you would share a relaxing movie night to unwind and refresh yourselves for the upcoming week.

You were friends with Bucky for over 3 years, and in the past year and a half the two of you became the best of friends and you couldn’t imagine your life without him now. He had this lingering presence and he could lift your spirits within seconds of being around him. And though the two of you spoke over the phone every day, it was only a couple days a week you would meet up with him and his friends to hang out.

To the outsiders, it was easily assumed you were more than friends. The way the two of you would cozy up in the corner of the booth at some bar, laughing and joking with each other or the smile that never seemed to stray far from Bucky’s mouth whenever you were around or as Steve recognized when the two of you would exchange text messages. Or his excitement whenever you posted a new selfie on Instagram and he shoved his phone in Steve’s face for him to see.

As his best friend, Steve kept encouraging Bucky to talk to you about his obvious crush. But every time he tried to talk to him about you, Bucky would shoot him down and change the topic.

You were Bucky’s bubble, his motivation to wake up every morning, his inspiration to become a better man, hopefully for you.

Bucky was inevitably in love with you.

Within the three years of the two of you being friends, he has never looked at another woman the same way he looks at you. There is no one else out there for him, you’re it for him. The rare couple of dates he went on ended disastrously, the women were not interested in his hobbies, in his work. They just wanted what was in his pants and Bucky wasn’t that type of man to have one night stands.

His last serious relationship was over 5 years ago and that lasted for just 1 year, but it was also the last time he had sex. He didn’t care about that, he would rather wait for the right woman than inviting back random women to his bed.

Part of that decision was caused by you. One evening the two of you lounged together on the couch with pizza boxes scattered over the table and beer in your hands talking about sex. You expressed a dislike of one night stands, calling them cheap and dirty. So he learned to share the same feelings as you.

I'll make you happy, baby, just wait and see For every kiss, you give me I'll give you three

It was 5PM and you knew Bucky would be arriving soon to start your movie night. You’d already ordered the pizza and the beer was stacked in the refrigerator chilled.

You had a little time to shower and throw on some comfortable clothes, just a loose T-shirt and some boy shorts. Clothes you wouldn’t normally wear around a man but you were so comfortable around Bucky he never seemed to mind, in fact, he actually loved it especially when you were braless but he would never tell you that.

“Hey doll, I’m home.” He joked as he walked into your apartment. Bucky shrugged off his jacket and dropped it on a hook by the door.

“Hey, Bucks.” You greeted him with a small kiss on his stubbled cheek. You loved the way they pricked at your lips and just sometimes it was hard to get the image out of your head of his stubble burning you elsewhere.

Your love for Bucky was just as strong. He was this gorgeous, kind, caring, considerate man with a heart of gold and there was nothing in the world Bucky wouldn’t do for anyone, whether they were a friend or a stranger. He couldn’t stand by and watch someone struggle like the old lady who lived across the hall from you. The two of you got back from furniture shopping and he saw the old lady struggle with her grocery bags, he very kindly offered to take the bags from her and carry them up the 5 flights of stairs. The landlord was to mean to move her downstairs, the older she became the less frequent she left her home. Bucky offered to do her shopping for her, whatever and whenever she needed things.

“He’s such a sweetheart. You are a very lucky girl.” She commented to you one time as you passed her in the hall. You nodded in agreement but your heart sunk simply because you weren’t his girl.

Oh, since the day I saw you I have been waiting for you You know I will adore you 'til eternity

You turned away from Bucky and missed the blush that was creeping up his neck. He cleared his throat, putting his hands in his pocket as he walked towards your little kitchenette.

“Pizza will be here soon.” You announced, grabbing two beers from the refrigerator. Bucky quietly thanked you and followed you to the couch. Scrolling through Netflix for a movie to watch.

You still couldn’t find something to watch after 30 minutes. Half of the pizza was eaten and you were on your second beer.

“What about The Witcher?” Bucky suggested. You turned to look at him and blinked, he just shrugged in return. “I just heard it’s a good TV show. At least that’s what Steve told me…” He said with uncertainty in his voice.

The evening was going quick and you just decided to put The Witcher on since you didn’t want to waste any more time.

During the binge-watch, you didn’t feel Bucky scoot closer to you. Your shoulders and knees touched. His warmth made you blush and his aftershave danced on the inside of your nostrils, you wondered how a man could look sexy, smell gorgeous and still be a single man.

Then it reminded you. “So are you dating anyone right now?” You asked, making a small conversation to build up your courage.

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed, wondering where you were going with this exactly.

“Uh, no. Why?”

It was now or never. “I have a date tomorrow.” You whispered, you knew how protective Bucky was of you and he would want to know every single detail down to the guy’s blood group before he made his mind up whether he was good enough for you or not. But something about Bucky’s features seemed different. His eyes seemed to light up on fire and his heart soared in his chest, he felt dizzy and he felt nauseous but worst of all, he felt jealous.

“Bucky?” You noticed his breathing had picked up and his fists were visibly clenched in his lap.

Your voice snaps him out of his dazed trance. The little daydream he had of ripping the lucky guy’s head off, Bucky would never stop you from going on dates and he regretted he didn’t say anything to you sooner.

He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “That’s great, doll. Happy for you. Uh, I just remembered, I gotta go.” Bucky stood before you could answer and watched helplessly as he threw his jacket on and walked out of the apartment, leaving you there confused and hurt, because not only did Bucky just lie to you about needing to go, he appeared to be in a rush to get away from you.

So won't you, please, be my, be my baby Be my little baby, my one and only baby

You weren’t as excited about the date this afternoon as you should have been. You spent the entire night sobbing into your pillow, sobs that turned into a wail with each text Bucky had read and ignored.

Why was he so mad at you? And most importantly, why were you mad at yourself for agreeing to go on some lunch date with a guy in statistics when Bucky was the man you really wanted? Was it because you knew you never stood a chance against these gorgeous brunette women who threw themselves at him?

You were getting ready at a snail pace. Your mind wandered back to last night and you wished you could take it all back. You wouldn’t have told him and he wouldn’t have known.

You feared the worst now. He still didn’t answer any of the messages you sent him, but you saw him active just an hour ago on Instagram and he completely ignored your story which he normally would have opened and reacted to.

You only knew he purposely ignored you because he commented on Steve’s and Wanda’s posts.

Bucky hated himself, he really did. Jealousy consumed him and he spent the whole night tossing and turning. He hated the way he left things with you and he almost replied to your text, he did write one out but pressed the backspace a couple of times. He saw you were online on Instagram too, but he quickly got angry and assumed you were online to talk to this guy you were going on a date with. He saw you had a new story post up, he willed his fingers not to open it. He didn’t want to see it, he feared it was a kissing selfie with the lucky man.

Bucky was alone in his apartment, slouched on the couch as he watched something he clicked on Netflix. His hands were in his sweater pockets, his feet rested on top of one another.

He was thinking about you, how you were a definition of a literal sweetheart. He thought about the way your gorgeous smile not only lit up the room but his heart too. He visibly cringed reminiscing about the lost opportune moments had to ask you out but didn’t. He was sure he was friend-zoned now and he only had himself to blame, for waiting too long and for not listening to Steve, who lacked experience with women, seemed to always know the right answers.

A shroud knock echoed throughout his apartment and he eyed the door suspiciously from the couch. He wasn’t expecting anyone and quickly dismissed it as a neighbor who needed their light bulb changed again.

But the knocking got louder, whoever was behind the door was persistent.

With a click of his tongue, he reluctantly stood up as his feet padded across the wood floors. He pulled the door open with a huff but froze in place, wide-eyed.

There in front of him stood you. Mascara stained down your cheeks and Bucky instantly thought of the worse. Did the guy you were with hurt you?

“Y/N? Are you alright-'' Bucky was interrupted with your lips on his. Your hands laced around the back of his neck to pull him closer to you. The taste of your lips was so sweet, he could taste your spearmint toothpaste.

If it wasn’t for the need of air, you would have kept kissing him. But your lungs complained, reluctantly you pulled away and rested your forehead against his. Bucky’s brows were knitted together in confusion. He was sure this was some kind of sick dream. He walked backward, bringing you inside of his apartment.

“You’re the one I want, Buck. I don’t want to dance around it anymore.” Your breath fanned across his swollen plump lips as he shut the door with his foot and leaned you against it.

“I want you too, doll. But you gotta explain, I don’t…”

“I ran into Steve on my way to the restaurant. He told me you liked me and that we were great for each other. Imagine my shock.” You chuckled nervously. “I’ve been in love with you for so long that I never once thought you could love me back. I just swallowed my feelings but I didn’t even want to go on that date.”

Bucky was more than sure he was dreaming. Maybe he fell asleep on the couch, sometimes his imagination ran away with him and he couldn’t tell the difference between dream-state and reality. He was very much aware of the fact that the mind can play some tricks. He was sure this is what was happening to him currently. None of this made sense to him.

“He’s wrong.” Bucky pulled away, putting his hands in his pockets and your heart dropped into your stomach. Of course, Steve lied. Why would someone as gorgeous as Bucky want someone ordinary like you? You stood Luke up at the restaurant only to be rejected. Bucky loved you as a friend, that must have been what Steve meant and if you didn’t ruin things last night, you definitely have now.

“Oh - Buck I’m sorry.” You sheepishly lowered your head and looked at your feet.

“Why are you sorry?” He asked as he bounced on the balls of his feet. Something he did when he was nervous.

“I just embar-”

“No, no.” Bucky quickly interrupted you, knowing where you were headed with it. “You didn’t trust me. He’s wrong about me just liking you doll. I’m in love with you and I have been since we met. That’s why I haven’t dated anyone, haven’t slept with anyone. You’re the only one I want, doll. There’s no one else for me.”

“You want me?” You smiled hopefully.

A blush crept up his neck and cheeks as he grinned, showing those perfect white teeth.

“Absolutely. More than I want tacos.” He joked and you chuckled, happy tears running down your stained cheeks. “I want you to be my baby girl, and I want to be your man.” He walked closer to you, caressing your cheeks with his thumb.

“I want that too.” You broke the distance and leaned up on your tiptoes. Your lips locked together as you embraced each other.

So won't you, please, be my, be my baby Be my little baby, my one and only baby Say you'll be my darlin', be my, be my baby Be my baby now, my one and only baby

Bucky offered his shower for you to get cleaned up, you gladly accepted. Wiping your makeup off your face and using Bucky's shower gels and his delicious apple shampoo. You smelt like the feminine version of him and you loved it.

You stepped out, drying your body with his fluffy towels and changed into the pair of grey sweats, rolling the waistband over a couple of times to create a snug fit and his favorite henley. He only trusted you with his beloved henley.

You stepped out of the steamy bathroom and plopped yourself down next to him. He smirked as he pulled you into his lap, nipping and kissing at your jaw.

"Can't believe I'm allowed to do this now." His voice vibrated against your throat and you shivered.

"Me neither. I'm so happy." You tilted your head back to give him better access.

"Me too, doll. Listen, why don't we watch Netflix in bed and get more comfortable. I'll order takeout?" He suggested. You loved the sound of that idea and nodded your head enthusiastically. "Great!" He shouted, holding onto your waist as he hoisted you up and carried you to his bedroom. Candles were already lit around the place and the duvet cover was pulled back. He dropped you on the bed and you giggled when you bounced from the impact. Bucky had a mischievous glint in his eye as he crawled above you. His hands slipping under the shirt and caressing your breasts. A soft gasp left your lips, the encouragement he needed to continue. If this was a new idea for 'movie nights' you were absolutely on board.

You never did get to see a movie that night. Bucky spent the entire night loving you just like he promised. This was it for the two of you, there was no going back now.

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imaginesnkdorks · 5 years

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Thank Goodness for Crazy

Part IX: To Infinity and Beyond | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 |

Pairing: Erwin/Reader

Summary: That time Erwin got jealous, and the first time our hero went on an expedition beyond the walls

The trip back was entertaining – at least for me. Theo filled me in on how life was within the walls. Turned out this world within the wall is a little like how I imagined North Korea to be. Of course, most of these people can’t tell, but I have the feeling that the history they are being taught from childhood is fabricated.

There are just too many holes that it doesn’t answer, mainly the origin of titans. Theo is one of those who just either naively believe or just couldn’t give a damn.

Oh, I am totally thankful that Theo is talkative – he didn’t ask me many questions about my life.

The moment we got back, we are off to training. Since Theodore is simply clueless about our craft, they have to train him on the most basic of things, even though he is supposedly a “Squad Leader”. But we all know it’s just a title. I mean, first off he bought it, second there are only four squad leaders and he’s an extra, lastly, there isn’t even a squad for him to lead. It doesn’t seem like he minds, though.

“Erwin!” I called out while running towards him. Honestly, I haven’t seen him since we left the party.

“Andi. I see that shadow of a man isn’t clinging on to you today.”

“Shadow? What, you mean Theo?”

“Theo? I didn’t know you two were that close.” He said in a tone so cold. What the hell? Seeing as he’s in such a bad mood – must be the stress of the coming expedition – I decided to just ask him my question and get this over with.

“Well, we are. Anyways are we still on for training? You promised you’ll teach me how to use the blades, and how to maintain the gear.”

He smiled, though I can’t exactly tell why but for sure it wasn’t a smile out of happiness. Before he could say anything, though Theo appeared.

“Andi! I’ve been looking all over for you. Come and have breakfast with me.” He said as he sashayed over to me and Erwin. “Oh, Erwin, was it?”

“Yes, Lord Van Rumpade.” Erwin said bitterly, the smile swiped off his face.

“Oh, no need to be so formal. We’re fellow squad leaders.” I guess it wasn’t only me who found this funny as I saw Erwin sneak an eye roll at that, but Theo wasn’t finished yet. “Join us for breakfast?” He said in his charming way, dazzling us with his unbelievably white teeth in a world with no whitening strips and high-tech dental stuff.

“I’m afraid I can’t. There are still preparations I have to see through.” And then he just turned away and left me with Richie rich. I guess that’s a no for our training. Even though I know I would mostly just whine all day while we train, I can’t help but feel disappointed.

The following days, I was taught how to handle blades and to maintain a 3DM gear. Also, I started learning more about titans. Who else could teach me well other than Hange? I tuned out so much of her long speeches before that I have to suffer through them again, only this time I should really pay attention.

In a month, I am a professional at both combat and 3DM gear. I now know by heart where to slice a titan, I know very well how to ride a horse and I also learned first aid. It was depressing, though, their first aid. Turns out a lot of injuries and diseases which are treatable back home, are deadly here.

It’s unbelievable how fast my progress was. I’d say, I have a knack for violence.

With the expedition only a few weeks away, I am putting double effort in everything that I do in hopes of Erwin giving me the go signal.

Speaking of Erwin, even though we live right next to each other, I barely saw him. It’s because he’s always at meetings. I, on the other hand, am always training, or with Theo who won’t leave me alone. I admit I was stunned when I first saw him. The infatuation eventually wore off after seeing how much of a baby he is. But I still can’t tell him to leave me alone, I mean he paid us so he could stay, also I think it’s kind of my fault that he chose us.

“Andi. Where’s Theodore? Not clinging on to you today?”

What the hell? I felt my forehead knot in frustration the moment Erwin finished. Seriously, every time I run into him, he’s always like this and then he’ll be gone before I could even respond.

But the expedition is more important, so despite my irritation, I decided to just roll my eyes and ignore his questions. And I grabbed his arm before he could run away to who knows where.

“I want to join the expedition.”

“You just started training two months ago.”

“Ugh! Is that a yes, or a no?”

“You’re not yet ready.”

“I’m better than a number of soldiers already!”

“You haven’t beaten me once every time we spar. If you can’t handle me, a Titan is too much.”

“Last time we sparred, I’ve only been training for a month. It’s different now.”

“Oh, really?”

I hate this. I hate it when people doubt me. In my irritation, my idiot side took control of my mouth.

“If I’m not ready, then I’ll die. It doesn’t matter. I want to go.” See? When I say idiot, I really mean it.

Erwin gave me a glare that could probably kill me, but I stood my ground. I won’t falter. This is the adventure that I’ve been waiting for! I stared back at him as intensely as I could. It honestly became a staring contest.

“Alright. But you won’t leave my side. Understand?”

Yes, sir!” I said, letting go of his arm. I then pounded my chest with my right hand – as best as I could as I am fairly big chested – and gave my very first salute.

-------

You’ll know it if it’s the day of an expedition, or better yet you’ll feel it in the air. A sense of dread hangs in the air, and it’s really depressing. Almost every soldier is silent, although some are abuzz with nervous energy. Even though I’m quite confident, their attitude is very infectious. Soon enough, anxiety crept in into my system.

I can’t help but be amazed by Theodore’s confidence. He’s the only one who seems to be excited. But it’s probably because he doesn’t know what to expect.

We soon arrived at Shiganshina where the outermost gate is located. Well, technically there are three other gates that go out the wall, but they just seem to like using this one that’s leading towards the south.

I’m on my horse, Max, and right beside me is Erwin. I plan on fulfilling my promise about sticking to him, I feel like I’ll be safer that way.

I’ve been staring blankly ahead, at the sea of green capes and wings of freedom crest. The gates take a long time to open. Uncle Keith chose this to give a pep talk, which I could hardly hear over the murmurs of bystanders and soldiers alike.

“Nervous?” Erwin asked, raising a thick eyebrow.

“No.” He smiled at that, but in a way that shows that he doesn’t believe me. Well, I admit I was lying. I am nervous, who wouldn’t? Even though I literally asked for this, I can’t help but be anxious – it’s like riding a roller coaster.

When the gate finally opened, uncle Keith gave the go signal and we all valiantly rode our horses. I sang FOB’s Centuries in my head, making me feel like I’m some kind of hero with a theme. But then I realized that it’s not really making me feel good, especially the line some turn to dust. I definitely don’t want that.

I kind of expected that there would be titans right outside, waiting for us. But it took a couple of minutes before we encountered the first one. The team at the rear promptly dispatched it.

I hoped that this is how my first expedition would be: a few titans roaming, and some that we run into are instantly killed, we then prance around on our horses the end. But no, that’s not how it is over here.

Not even ten feet from the first titan, two more appeared. And two out of the five soldiers that attacked were eaten. After that, we encountered more and more soldiers got eaten in their attempt to kill the damn giants.

“Why do we approach them head-on?” I yelled at Erwin. The goal of this mission is lost to me because with what’s happening, I can say that our mission is to die for humanity period. Nothing gained, we just die. I mean, puny little humans like us attack big ass titans on sight.

Instead of answering, Erwin just clicked his tongue and commanded us to ride in a closer pack. I now understand more why in movies and tv shows, the high-ranking officers are always old people. Those of position just yell out the command, while the nobodies jump to their deaths.

Was I a very unlucky nobody.

“Two Titans approaching from the rear!” Pieter yelled.

“One is a six-meter titan, the other a twelve-meter!” Supplemented Esme. Now, the announcement of titan’s presence isn’t creepy itself, what scared me was that these two soldiers are right behind me. I turned to look at Erwin, who was unbelievably calm while giving orders.

“Ready your blades.”

One thing you must know; this squad of Erwin’s is a bunch of veterans. Also, there are four team leaders under him, one of them is Hange. Since Hange is a team leader, even though she’s directly under Erwin, she’s in a different part of the convoy.

Anyhow, I followed his orders and readied my blade. Since we are nearest these titans, it’s our goal to finish them off now.

Honestly, this moment was a blur. I don’t know, it must be the adrenaline. But my fuzzy memories tell me that I helped in eliminating the titans, though one of us got his leg bitten off. Being the newbie, I was assigned to treat Damien. While the others were finishing off the last titan, I tended to the injured soldier.

His thigh was ripped in half as there’s where the titan bit him. I felt queasy, but I tried to do my job. Tried is the keyword because my asshole teammates just happened to land the killing blow on the 12-meter titan whose torso fucking landed on Damien, and almost on me.

I’d like to save you from the gory details, but next time you eat spaghetti with meatballs, crush the meatballs. That’s what I saw. I’d say being eaten by a titan isn’t the worst way to die.

“Andi! Andi, get yourself together!” Erwin was shaking me. I guess this is something that would scare me for life.

Next thing I know is I’m back on my horse going towards where ever the commander tells us to.

Setting camp for the night, everyone who wasn’t injured or dead are busy salvaging any bodies that could still be taken home while some were like me who are treating the injured. There are a lot of missing and crushed limbs. Turns out having a titan fall on you is a common way to die or be injured.

It was almost sunset by the time I finished up. I walked and ended up where uncle Keith is.

He has a map with him, on which he is jotting down notes. I sat down beside him, feeling exhausted all of the sudden.

“What’s our goal, really?” I asked in a silent whisper.

I looked around, and in between clusters of bandaged soldiers are bodies on the grounds waiting to be loaded on wagons. Even the horses looked fewer.

“You already know it.” He answered, not even bothering to look up.

“Secure bases for advancement beyond the walls. But why aren’t we doing it?”

That has got his attention because he focused on me with too much intensity I almost regret being born. “We aren’t doing it? Do you think these soldiers died for nothing? For a silly quest?” I was almost too tempted to tell him to chill, but I’m just too tired both physically and mentally.

“We could run from titans and not attack them head-on. That’s what people have been doing for the last century.” I thought back to how I played video games – like pokemon. I always avoid the trainers; I walk behind them or when they are not looking. I guess that could be done by us and it will save a lot of lives and reach our goal at the same time.

“You’ve been spending too much time with Erwin.”

And our conversation was over.

The rest of the expedition was a haze. I killed a few titans, though I wasn’t able to celebrate my first kill. It’s like I operated on instincts; my mind was blank and I kept jumping and slicing. It was almost robotic. I know it’s bad, but I think my autopilot tried to be the hero. I pulled people from titan’s mouths, I pulled some who are about to be crushed. I am honestly surprised I survived.

By the time we are to go back inside the walls, our numbers are almost cut in half.

The trip home was also ridden with more casualties. We soon reached Shiganshina and there wasn’t any Hero’s Welcome. We were hackled and mocked. But I’m too tired to feel anything about it.

The moment we got back to HQ, I went straight to my room after leaving Max in the stables. No tears came though. I was just sitting on my bed staring at the bare floor. Then someone bust in my room.

“Erwin.”

“How are you holding up?”

That was when tears started flowing down. I couldn't stop. I was shaking and sobbing. Then I felt his arms around me, trying to console me. You know what's sad? It's not just seeing people die or get eaten. It's not death itself. I'm used to death, people die all the time. The news back home was full of it.

The difference this time is that these people who died are not just numbers on a statistics report. They are my colleagues - people that I actually know. They are names and faces to me, not just numbers. Erwin didn't say anything. He didn't tell me that it will be okay. He' not giving me empty promises. Honestly, this hug alone is enough.

“I should have turned back. I could've saved some people. I ...”

He suddenly broke the hug and held me at arm's length, looking at me straight in the eye.

“Stop. Don't blame yourself. If you start regretting your decision, you will start to doubt yourself. You'll let others decide for you, so stop. None of it is your fault.”

He said, concern evident in his eyes. I know he's right, of course, he is. And it would be wise for me to follow his advice. Too bad I'm such a baby, though.

“Ok.”

I lied. Because I know who I’ll be dreaming of tonight If I ever get sleep. Guilt is still eating at me.

He stayed with me that night until I stopped crying, which is apparently when I fell asleep.

#thank goodness for crazy #Erwin Smith #Erwin #commander erwin #snk erwin #erwin x reader #erwin smith x reader #erwin smith x you #reader insert #commander handsome #anime x reader #attack on titan x reader #mod max

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minhyukie · 7 years

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hello it’s ur Local Mess here to talk about herself and do a lot of tag games im sorry for being the worst these are literally from within the past like two months and you all probably don’t even remember tagging me or care about my answers but than k you to @ki-hyunie @haehoney @honeyvevo @94wons @ckyun for tagging me in these i’m putting them all together so that you can all have the ultimate compilation of useless information about me!! please enjoy!!

im not tagging anyone because i don’t want to subject anyone to this but if u too love talking about yourself please tag me because i love hearing people talk about themselves

Name - amy

Age - 20

Height - 5′3 (160 cm?)

Ult Bias - seohyun + minhyuk the two loves of my life :(

Nicknames - i don’t really get many nicknames?? my roommate calls me amu though

Zodiac sign - aries

Favorite fruit - mmm kiwi? raspberries? strawberries? mangos!!! i fucking love fruits i don’t know i love them all

Favorite season - probably summer!

Favorite color - pink!! pink pink pink!

Coffee, Tea or Hot Cocoa - hot chocolate!!!

Favorite animal(s) - GOATS (if ur reading this @ me in goats)

Dream trip - i’ve been there very very briefly but i’d love to live in germany for a little?? i guess that’s not a trip but idk i’d be happy going on a trip anywhere tbh :’)

Number of blankets you sleep with - one!

Dogs or cats - i love my cats!! even though i’ve recently discovered that i’m probably allergic fjdkslf

Side blog - this... used to be a sideblog until i became too involved with mx and snsd :// so i guess my old main is a sideblog? idk @morningcomes <<<

Follower count - a little over 700!!! i love u all thanks for putting up w me

When did you start this blog - this particular blog was the beginning of 2017! but ive been on tumblr since like 2010 i think ://

relationship status: it’s... um.... it’s complicated fdkslfjsd let’s just say im in a relationship even though im not sure if we’re actually dating or what we’re doing.... let’s just say that

favorite color: pink!!!!!!!!!!!!

lipstick or chapstick: chapstick

last song i listened to: i really like humble and dna by kendrick lamar so i’ve had those on repeat the last few days!

last movie i watched: ... moana?? god it’s really been a long time since i’ve watched a movie

top three tv shows: friends!!! fullmetal alchemist brotherhood if that counts? avatar the last airbender.. a forever favorite

top three characters: look im the worst at coming up w these things so i’ll just give my favorites from the above shows: rachel!! or monica or chandler i don’t know i love them all :( envy!! winry!!! zuko and toph!

top three ships: ok i just want to clarify like.. pairings and not ships but joohyuk!! hyohyun :’’) and.... wow how am i supposed to limit this to a third one i guess i’ll say kihyuk because im in love with them the past few days

Bold the statements that are true for you!

APPEARANCE:

I am 5′7″ or taller I wear glasses I have at least one tattoo I have at least one piercing I have blonde hair I have brown eyes I have short hair My abs are at least somewhat defined I have had braces There is something i would change about the way I look

PERSONALITY:

My Hogwarts house is: Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Slytherin I am an introvert I like meeting new people People tell me that I’m funny Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me I enjoy physical challenges I enjoy mental challenges I’m playfully rude with people I know well I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

I can sing well I can play an instrument I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well I have a good memory I’m good at doing math in my head I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports I’ve been on a sports team at my school or somewhere else I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month I enjoy writing Fandoms are my #1 passion I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss I have had alcohol I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting I have been at an overnight event (i honestly don’t know what this means but imma say yes) I have been in a taxi I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIP:

I’m in a relationship I have a celebrity crush I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year I have had feelings for a friend

(ok listen... lemme just reiterate... not sure if what im in is considered a relationship fdjkslfds)

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” I live close to my school My parents are still together I have at least one sibling I live in the United States There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend outside of school in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT:

I have breakdanced I know a person named Jamie I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce I have dyed my hair I’m listening to one song on repeat right now I have punched someone in the past week I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life I speak at least 2 languages fluently I have made a new friend in the past year

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents? yes!!! im so grateful

2. who did you last say “i love you” to? i honestly have no clue i say it all the time through messages but im like... emotionally stunted in real life lmao

3. do you regret anything? yea mostly just opportunities that i should’ve taken that i don’t because i don’t have the will to put in the effort ://

4. are you insecure? not usually!

5. what’s your relationship status? listen.... complicated....

6. how do you want to die? this is 2 morbid for me next please

7. what did you last eat? bugles!!! i love bugles

8. played any sports? i ran cross country in high school for 3 years and did track for one!!

9. do you bite your nails? nope

10. when was your last physical fight? ha h ah haha i don’t think i’ve ever been in a physical fight

11. do you like someone? yea!

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours? yes... too many times

13. do you hate anyone at the moment? no, not really!

14. do you miss someone? yea i miss a few of my high school friends that i wish i got to see more often and i miss us all hanging out as a group

15. have any pets?  my family has 4 cats!

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?  A+!

17. ever made out in the bathroom? damn i was ready to say no but.... i actually have.... im shocked at myself

18. are you scared of spiders?  in certain situations?? who am i kidding lfjdkslfd yes

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance? nah

20. where was the last place you snogged someone? ummmmmm my bed

21. what are your plans for this weekend? sleep and study :(

22. do you want to have kids? how many? idk?? i’m not very passionate about it tbh i’d be happy with anywhere between 0-3 kids

23. do you have piercings? how many? both my ears are double pierced!

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)? i fuckin love math!! i would die for math also im pretty good at chemistry physics and computer science idk most things math/science related :)

25. do you miss anyone from your past?  mostly just the same as before?? miss some of my hs friends

26. what are you craving right now?  ..sleep

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?  i don’t think so??

28. have you ever been cheated on?  nope!

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?  yea :(

30. what’s irritating you right now? too much to do too little time

31. does somebody love you? ..yes? i hope

32. what is your favourite color? pink!!!!!!!

33. do you have trust issues? not really trust issues but like i said before i think im like.. emotionally stunted or smth

34. who/what was your last dream about? i hoenstly can’t remember any recent dreams

35. who was the last person you cried in front of? my ?boyfriend? lmao i cry all the time

36. do you give out second chances too easily? mmm idk? i’ve honestly never really thought about it

37. is it easier to forgive or forget? forget ://

38. is this year the best year of your life?  noooo

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss? 18!

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked? fdjskflds no

51. favourite food?  yo this just jumped from 40 to 51 fjdklsfdjsk anyway um! chicken

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason? lmao no that’s some wishful thinking :(

53. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?  i did most of my computer science lab :/

54. is cheating ever okay?  no

55. are you mean? sometimes i can be really bad about impulsively saying things and... yea it can be mean :( but like in general? i don’t think im a mean person

56. how many people have you fist fought? i would cry if someone tried to fight me

57. do you believe in true love?  yea!

58. favourite weather? gimme that sunshine, no humidity with a breeze

59. do you like the snow? yea!! but not excessively

60. do you wanna get married? yeah? but also it’s not like one of my overlying life goals ya know but if it happens that would be nice

61. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? honestly whenever i hear people say baby in real life i cringe fjdsklfds idk i mean i say it in the tags on here but in real life... nah and i call some of my friends babe but i do it jokingly it just seems weird to do that like.. romantically

62. what makes you happy? getting time to myself!!! to do the things i want to do and relax! to spend time with my friends just relaxing as well! in particular getting to paint and getting to play piano make me really happy and relaxed

63. would you change your name? nope!

64. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?  nope!

65. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? ummm did u mean... my current situation jfkdlsfs

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yes mostly?? he definitely thinks im a lil weird when im like 100% myself but he still loves me anyway so :’)

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?  ^^^ said above best friend

68. who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my high school best friend?? i think

69. do you believe in soulmates? not really it’s a nice idea though

70. is there anyone you would die for? probably a few of my closest friends

fdskfdlsfjdks hope none of u read all that!!! this deserves to be my about page tbh

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613526362 · 4 years

Text

It’s Me. I need to fix me.

When did the mission stop being love?

When my mother used to beat me relentlessly, I couldn’t leave. She would hit me and hit me and hit me. I will never forget the unbearable pain. I would stretch and squirm my body in any way possible to alleviate or change the pain, but she would hold me still as she beat me. I would scream and cry. When I was in my room afterwords, I would cry loudly, and she would come in and tell me that if I didn’t shut up, she was going to beat me again.

When my mother used to beat me relentlessly, I couldn’t leave.

Then I started to leave.

First, I left her.

I packed up my things and left, and didn’t talk to her for years.

I’m 30 years old now. I will be 31 soon.

The last three years have been a blur.

I came to the Big City with two great friends from the Island. Both of them I gave an opportunity to work in my organization. Both I fired.

I remember Ari’s smile, and positivity. Oh God. Oh God how could I do what I did to someone who was so positive. Someone who always went the extra mile. Someone who went out and did things she didn’t have to do to support the mission, just because she believed in it. Working for me helped her financially. I’ll never know how much. I’ll probably never know if she made it or not, and whether or not I made the difference.

And Mish. Oh my God Mish. I loved her more than any male friend I’d ever had. She just wanted to spend time with me. She just wanted to be a part of something I cared about. And when I gave her a chance, it just wasn’t a good fit. But there are so many ways I could have done it better.

Pandemos had been sexually abused as a child. She has genital herpes and took a medication every day to avoid giving it to anyone who dared to love her. She had struggled with borderline personality disorder, anxiety, eating disorders. When I met her she seemed confused, overwhelmed. After three months she still seemed confused, overwhelmed. She begged me not to leave her. I don’t even remember what reason I gave her for why I left. She needed me. She needed me so bad. Even as a friend I could have helped her.

Ji. I remember holding her hand after we left the restaurant where we met. Ji couldn’t even go to a movie without having an anxiety attack. She expressed herself and found herself by hurting herself. She didn’t really ever hurt anyone else. She just loved her white, soft cat. He was more like her than she was like herself. I loved her, and I was so, so scared of her.

And I left her for the same reason I leave everyone. She did something - anything - to threaten, or hurt me. Threaten to hit me once, and if I can leave, I leave. I leave before I am struck, after I’m struck, whenever. I leave as soon as I can, so I can’t feel the pain of being beaten. I’ll even cause myself pain, just to avoid the pain. And how much pain have I caused others?

Cat was the one. She was the most beautiful and sweet woman God ever gave me the opportunity to meet. She was my wife, the mother of my children. On the second date we were wed. She could dance, sing, fuck, cook, work, exercise, eat healthy, travel, snuggle, play with dogs, and above all, she could love. I will never, ever, ever meet anyone like her again. She and I stayed up one night, just talking all night long. Talking about how our mothers abused us. Talking about the islands we loved.

We had so much in common. We loved each other. All she wanted was a husband and children. All she wanted was to be by the fireplace, lying next to her husband on the couch, after they’d put the children to sleep. It would have been the greatest gift God gave me to be that man lying next to her warmth.

She had good breath and fake tits. She could dance, and she had a kindness and compassion that was unmatched. She literally was the most amazing woman I’ve ever loved. The most amazing woman I’ve ever known. The most amazing woman I’ve ever met.

And she had just a little bit of anger. And was just a little bit controlling. In other words, after being abused by her mother for years, she’d wound up a much, much, much better person than I had.

I just tried to call her. In the voicemail, I told her I just wanted to tell her something, and it would only take 30 seconds.

Here’s what I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her

I’m trying to write this, but I don’t know if I have the strength to write this. This is three days I’ve been crying. I’ve barely eaten in three days.

“Cat. Thank you for giving me the chance to talk to you on the phone. There have been a couple times when someone said or did something to hurt me. Someone I loved. I just remember thinking, if they would just come to my door, and knock, that would show me that they truly loved me. That would show me, that we could work through anything. I would open the door, and hug them, and accept them in.

When you parked outside my apartment, and found a way into the building, and came to the door, and knocked. I just sat there. You didn’t give me one chance. You knocked five times.

One of the worst thoughts I’ve ever had in my life, is thinking of how it must feel, to go to the door of someone you love, and knock, and they don’t answer.

Cat I am so so glad that you won’t pick up the phone when I call. I am so so glad that you won’t pick it up in a week, or a month. You’ll block me, or you’ll change your number eventually. And you’ll never get to hear the voice, of the evil man, who made you feel that empty, and that unwanted inside.”

I remember the look on doggy’s face, when he saw me carrying his cage out of your apartment. He knew what it meant. I know your apartment is so empty now. I know it’s quiet, but I bet you’re playing some TV or music. I love you so much Cat. I’m so sorry you met a monster.

I don’t know if I can write this next part. But I have to try.

He used to run around with his little brothers and sisters. One day I came, and he had no fear of me. I had my bracelet, from Africa, and he came up and put his little mouth on it. So I picked him.

When I got him home, I opened up the cage, and he had vomited everywhere and looked so terrified. He had cried the whole way to my apartment. I’ll never forget I took him inside, and showered with him, and dried him off, and held him to my chest in the towel, and kissed him, so many times. And told him I loved him, so many times.

I remember the first time I hit him. I had told him to sit. And he knew what I meant, and what I was asking. It was the first time he had ever willfully disobeyed me. Before, he was learning “sit.” And I was patient as he was learning. But this time he knew what I was asking, and he just didn’t want to sit.

I slapped him, right across the face.

And he immediately sat.

Something clicked in my mind. Abuse, is an effective manner of control.

I used to beat an innocent little puppy, until he peed and pooed everywhere. I have beat him until he bled, several times. I have beat him so hard that I’ve injured my hand, and my foot. I would hold his mouth shut while I hit him so other people couldn't hear. I would drag him around the room, and he would just let me drag him, limp, with his tail in between his legs. I would not feed him for days and days. I would force his head next to a speaker and play terrifying things on the speaker and if he moved I would pick him up all the way in the air and throw him down as hard as I could.

What's amazing is that he's terrified of everyone but me. When he walks outside, he cowers at any small noise. The sight of another person scares him so deeply, he has to run. But he lies right next to me, now, sleeping, right next to me.

I wish God would kill me. I used to wish that he would let me die. But now I want to be killed. I don't think I deserve to go quietly, or painlessly, or quickly. I think I deserve to die very slowly. I think I deserve to feel some of the pain, that I have made other beautiful hearts and souls feel.

When I get hurt, I run and I abandon, and sometimes I lash out. A small hurt within me is propitiated as a world of hurt around me.

But it's not just that. Beneath all that, there is something even more evil. I am an abuser. I am a violent criminal. I hurt the innocent. I beat the innocent, until the point of death.

This is the truth, that I have been running from, for 12 years. 12 years, I have been becoming more and more and more evil, every day. Every single day.

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