#I’m not even suicidal myself

[tharrb]

Why are all my faves borderline suicidal

#jeri katou #rose quartz #luz noceda #marcy wu #futaba sakura #I’m not even suicidal myself #tw: sui mention

[stuckinapril]

I’ve always loved medicine bc it’s the perfect intersection of science and humanity—the two things I value above all else in this world. Truly adored it since I was in the cradle. But now I’m thinking about how so much of my journey to neurosurgery will have to involve KILLING my feelings essentially bc how do you survive otherwise

#Not to mention the surprisingly high suicide rate of surgeons that’s been brought to my attention lately #Honestly I just started my neuro internship and just saw my first patient in clinic #And on the day I did I was critical of my neurologist for being so robotic about it #Now I can see why #I’m still at a point where I can’t even do a chart review for a patient without feeling so fucking sad #And I can see how that can get unsustainable after a while #But it’s like if I kill the feelings that drive my passion for medicine to begin with then what’s the point #It’s not like I’m in it for the money or prestige bc that’s so dumb considering how long the schooling is #But literally how to deal #My supervisors at the clinic very much all speak about the dementia patients w a learned impartialness #But I don’t wanna be that way one day :( but how to be anything else and still survive #I’m pre med so I still have time and maybe my opinion will change and I’ll wanna do another specialty #But when it comes to this every specialty will involve human lives and navigating that regardless #That said I can see why surgeons are at higher risk or depression suicide etc #The whole point of this internship is to teach myself how to navigate this stuff but. Hate it #p #med tag

[ghosts-cyphera]

hey it’s lo !! hi !! just quickly sliding in to say thank you to everyone who interacted with my post last night. I was really, really deep down in the pit and even though I wasn’t in any immediate danger, your love and help and support did get me through the night.

though I’m so, so incredibly sorry to see how many of you have struggled with suicidal thoughts, it also means a lot to see that I’m not alone with this. thank you so, so much for the reminder.

sending you all so incredibly much love right now, my darlings 💗 lo out !!

#today was easier! I had a dentist’s appointment that I had to get to in the morning and it was the first time in four weeks that I’d #-left the house by myself #I managed! I did really good actually. I didn’t get overwhelmed from being in the public #and I beat my fear of dentists and got my chipped filling filled back in :-) #then I went to tk maxx for some quick valentine’s shopping (because let’s be honest: w/ my track record I’m not leaving the house- #-before valentine’s lol) and treated myself to some chocolate cake and even started journaling today for the first time in many years! #heavily thanks to you all last night for your suggestions #anyhow !! I hope you’re all doing alright tonight. please know that every single ounce of my love is headed to you in 3-2-1 NOW #hopefully most of it reached itms destination and you feel a little bit warmer 💗 #lo talks #tw suicide #cw suicide

[mxtxfanatic]

Y’all think Xie Lian will ever share what happened to him pre-second banishment with Feng Xin and Mu Qing, particularly the things that happened to him after they left?

#tgcf #just musing #cause they do become friends again in the end #and i know for myself that i would want to share these things with my friends #so that we could clear the air and be open in our friendship #but i find myself hesitant to think that xl would openly share these things *with them* #like…how do you explain to your friends that them leaving culminated in your parents committing suicide??? #i’m not sure if even i would share that with a friend #but then again i would never rekindle a friendship with that history either

[houseswife]

I’m not even kidding when I say that James Wilson as a a character has done more for my introspection and growth as a person than therapy ever did. I spent my whole life wondering why I, as an otherwise entirely well-adjusted and straight-laced person on the surface, exclusively surrounds myself with addicts and unstable people (affectionate). Why I used to skip class in high school to stop my friends from overdosing, or hurting themselves, begging them to be institutionalised. Why I used to give my pills away to classmates who swore they’d kill themselves if I stopped. I could’ve pulled away - I could’ve made friends with rich kids with happy lives who won’t ask me to drive them to the psych ward at 12PM on a Tuesday. My mom always said I’m a people pleaser and a doormat and it’s why I end up in parking lots at 3AM doing drug deals on other people’s behalves and loaning tons of money to people who’d never pay me back. But it’s not that I’m a nice person! It feeds me as much as it feeds them! It’s an internal validation issue manifested through a seeming lack of personal conviction! Now I get it, and it’s so satisfying to see this sort of personality being portrayed as a pathology rather than something to pity or idolise. Yes there’s something wrong with me but it’s not that I’m too generous; excessive enabling is just as selfish as exploitative behaviour itself. Somehow it took a medical procedural for me to realise that, but-

#sorry for subjecting you guys to my life story #when I say I’m a James Wilson kinnie I’m not even joking #my ass has committed crimes for people #and watching this show really helped me understand why #yes I attract needy people but I’m also ATTRACTED TO THEM #it’s not weakness or being taken advantage of #I willingly subject myself to these relationships because I need to feel valued #and I need to feel like I’m useful #this really is a show for mentally ill people huh #tw suicide mention #tw addiction #rambles

[neptunes-saddest-alien]

I can’t remember when I stopped caring , when it stopped feeling so intense and personal. I can’t remember when it stopped making me so angry at everything and only enraged at myself, when I stopped trying to say no, when I stopped trying to find ways out, when I stopped fighting for the grieving child inside me,when it all turned too repetitive to change, I don’t remember when exactly I stopped caring about dying in this house., I’m just tired, ready to die somewhere, and I don’t care where anymore.

#i don’t remember when I stopped caring about anything.. #i just know I don’t care anymore #i just know I don’t want to care even if I could #tired #exhausted #deppressed #numb #mentally tired #lonliness #pathetic #worthless #empty #tired of everything #tired of living #tired of myself #i’m so exhausted #i feel nothing so deeply it hurts #i feel empty #loneliness #passively suicidal #suicidal ideation #toxic home #toxic mom #toxic childhood

[virgincels]

have been ill since i was a kid it is not going to get better or pass likeeee sick of people telling me otherwise

#🏩.diary #I’ve always been this way #like there is no fixing it it’s not even like #idk my mental illness isn’t even something i can use as an excuse it’s just me now like idk #my friends are insufferable they don’t get it that #it’s not the fucking same like im so upset why do they always make things ab themselves #im the one that has no other friends no job no love life im failing uni with no social life like no you don’t get it #and they’re always like oh i wish I wasn’t known on campus like you talking to people is so draining I hate it #I hate it so bad i need to kill myself #I’ve been suicidal since I was 11 like that’s it’s not gonna change #and then they wonder why I don’t wanna talk like sorry im too suicidal to hear ab you having multiple jobs and boyfriends and driving sorry #like im too bitter #why don’t you just do this I CANT!!! im ugly and repulsive and can’t go outside #I’ve been made fun of for my weight and face by family n school friends like why would k want to go outside when it’s not even. me that #thinks I’m repulsive but everyone around me too #my parents don’t ever call me pretty unless I have makeup on they’re repulsed by me I know they love me bc they have to love me but im such #a loser there’s nothing to be Proud of #I don’t know what to do at all it’s like I’ve fucked it over so badly I can’t fix a single thing #it’s like I have everything wrong w me and it’s humiliating #tw vent #sorry im worked up godddd #I hate when people talk me like it’s my first time feeling this way and that it’s easy to get over #just try getting ur license or doing this I psychically cannot bc I’m crippled by anxiety and facial and body dysmoprhia like fuck off #whatever whatever im too pussy to kill myself so I’ll just live in this fucking cycle forever and ever like bc im literally a fucking . #pussy what’s wrong w me #in other news my sisters separation anxiety is back and she won’t let go of me I can’t go to the bathroom without her coming she’s sleeping #in my bed again #she’s so clingy I love her but I can’t do anything

[buysomecheese]

I <3 older trans people I wish I could know more in real life

#got to talk to the market guy I’ve been following on Instagram (I’ve been trying to go to one of the markets he’s at since early December!!) #he turned 30 recently and him and his spouse are the oldest transgender people I’ve ever met #oldest transgender people I’ve ever talked to #some of the Only transgender people over the age of 20 that I’ve ever met/talked to #it wasn’t even a Conversation it was about the art I bought #but it was nice and I hope I can find more spaces where there are Transgender People Over The Age Of 30 #it’s difficult to imagine myself growing old when I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation and I can’t have any sort of model or example #it was difficult to imagine myself being older than 12 older than 15 older than 17 #it’s difficult to imagine myself being older than 20 older than 25 older than 30 #Forget middle or old age bro I feel like I’m gonna just Blip out of existence #so I gotta get myself some Older Trans Mentors and Friends and Family Please

[jellypawss]

I’m going to be very transparent for a sec. I’ve had two alcohol induced psychosis events happen to me in the past week where I attempted to harm myself and ended up talking to police officers. I’m a recovering alcoholic that tries really really hard but keeps relapsing. I’ve tried AA and therapy and nothing is helping because they keep telling me to look for “my higher power” and I’m not gonna lie, in my opinion, that shit is wack. I’m struggling a lot and faith is the last thing on my mind. Anyways, I wanted to make this post to thank y’all for being one of the main sources of happiness and support for me. I don’t get a lot of people outside of this community that reach out to me when im hurting so im very grateful to have y’all in my silly little phone. I promise I will be back to making mods and what not soon but I’ve been really enjoying making music, it feels almost therapeutic. But yeah, thanks for being here for me y’all. I love you guys.

#the police officer last night was surprisingly very friendly and even made me laugh #I’m glad I’m still here and I’m going to make things right for myself because there’s so much more in this world that I want to live for #suicide tw #tw sui attempt #tw self harm #tw #tw alchohol mention #tw alcohol #also I couldn’t make myself go to the psych ward because I needed to stay home to take care of the kitten #I was bawling my eyes out because I felt so guilty about even thinking of having someone else take care of him #he’s so bonded to me that he cries for me when someone else holds him #I just couldn’t #also the psych ward sucks #and I’m not knocking it entirely but #it really is a last resort thing for me now #after being in one that drugged me up on Ativan and took me off my heart meds to the point where I didn’t remember it #a whole ass week I have no recollection of

[makkie-is-screaming]

.

#Okay so tw cuz im gonna rant about suicide #so back in July I planned on killing myself today #I told myself I needed to try n get better n if I couldn’t that was it #and I’ve tried I really have #and I’m obviously still struggling but not to the extent I was #like I’m depressed n my ed is getting worse #but I’m finally hanging out with D n she’s just so much fun to be around #im calling my bestie more and she sounds genuinely happy to hear from me #im doing a bit better with my parents to n im seeing my cousin more who I’ve missed so much #I have plans for break for the first time in years #im finally getting piercings #it’s crazy cuz even just 2 weeks ago I didn’t think Id be ok today #but I am like today isn’t gonna be another attempt I’m gonna make it #and that’s wild to me bc I was so bad over the summer I was constantly debating it that’s why I set the date #And I don’t think I’m fixed and there’s a big chance I’ll attempt at some point in the future knowing me #but right now I feel like I have a reason to try and I haven’t felt like that in a long time #okay I’m done now just wanted to say that #screaming #tw suicide #tw suicide mention #kinda

[globby]

Actually how do you make yourself have a will to live and enjoy hobbies again bc… nothing is working

#suicide cw/// #I’m not gonna hurt myself I just thought I’d tag #like I can’t keep just crying and sleeping all day even tho there’s for real no future I think I’ll be happy with

[szczylpierdolony]

i wish i were dead so bad

#i honestly don’t think i can do this anymore i want this to be over so much #there’s no way i’m going to finish uni i should drop out and kill myself as soon as i can #but then what if i don’t succeed with the suicide #and i’m behind on school and i have nothing going for me #and i already don’t bc i’m an idiot who can’t even write a 30 page thesis without breaking down almost every day #but i don’t even have a good way to kms like i’ve tried cutting my wrists but i can’t do it deep enough and my only other idea is hanging #but again idk where to do it exactly #i tried to see how it’d feel once but i don’t think it’s work anywhere in my house #📓 #i wish i could just die in my sleep so so bad i can’t do this anymore

[voiceshearingyouloud]

Nothing like chilling on the couch, opening google on my phone so I can watch youtube only to find my last opened tab was ‘when to go to the ER for suicidality’ 😭

I’m somehow totally fine now but earlier today I was going for a walk and started thinking about all the crap that’s happened to me and how trapped I feel with my parents recently. I got the worst suicidality I’ve had in years, actually probably the most severe acute moment of suicidality I’ve ever experienced. I was gonna call an ambulance right then because I didn’t trust myself to walk back out of the ravine without doing something but thankfully it passed quickly and I feel normal now.

I should maybe tell my partner though, but I hate to worry them because their ex was very suicidal and put it on my partner in a really horrible way so the last thing I want to do is make them feel like they have to keep me alive. Idk, I should ask them what they want me to do I think. It’ll be a horrible conversation but I think it’s necessary if things continue this way, a worse conversation would be ‘hey, I’m at the ER right now’ or G-d forbid the call from someone other than me.

#suicidality tw #tw suicidality #suicide tw #tw suicide #I feel like this one necessitates all the tags lol #the experience actually really shook me by how much it was my brain doing the ‘we are in mortal danger right now’ #but the danger was from myself #well. I’m alive still; somehow #there goes another of my nine lives lol #I would’ve called an ambulance if not for how I was fine walking home #and I will if this happens again to that severity even if it goes away #so I’ll be fine! I’m actually feeling glad to be alive which has never happened this fast after having really bad SI #so that’s something :) strange but I’ll take it #anne speaks #sorry for the tag essay I guess I just have a lot of feelings about it #I’m restraining myself from just talking about the specifics because no one needs to hear that

[neptunes-saddest-alien]

Sometimes I can’t believe how much of a complete fuck up I am

#sometimes yeah #i can’t do fuck all right #I’m not good for people #i can’t even be good to them #tired #exhausted #deppressed #numb #mentally tired #lonliness #pathetic #worthless #i hate myself #i hate myself so much #deppresing thoughts #passively suicidal #suicidal ideation #i’m so exhausted

[nightly-ruse]

I have never genuinely wanted to kill myself but honestly the more fucked up Florida gets and the actual danger I could be in is making me feel suicidal. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m supposed to do about it especially as I’m going back to school

#i genuinely cannot live like this #I’m not going to kill myself don’t worry #but the more I read the more I learn about these obviously fascist transphobic laws being passed the more suicidal I feel #the idea of going back to school already had me spiraling but now? fucking now? I’m worried I’m going to die #between shootings violent bullying laws and constant attacks I’m so tired and fearful #and I have no clue how to fix it #I don’t feel old enough to be experiencing this. I don’t want to experience this and worry if I’ll even have rights by the time I graduate #vent tag #suicidal thoughts #suicide mention #suicide tw #Florida #anti trans laws

[heylinfanclub]

Every time I see fictional enactments of people having mental breakdowns I’m like. ‘Is it not normal to do that like three times a week’. I’m going to have. Such major heart problems. My whole life. I just know it.

The swinging between hysterical, sad and mad? The eyes wide rolling around in my damn skull? The struggle to breathe and not choke on your own spit? The sensation that you might just lash out at anyone or anything that gets too close? The existential hysteria questioning YOUR VERY EXISTENCE AND THE EXISTENCE OF CAUSALITY AND WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE AND COULD THEY NOT BE AND COULD SOMEONE JUST TAKE ME AWAY TAKE ME AWAY.

It’s that last part especially. When you start getting. So. In your god damn feels. YOURE BEGGING THE UNIVERSE FOR REPRIEVE ON REPEAT AS YOU SWAY BACK N FORTH LIKE YOURE HAVING THE WORST TRIP IMAGINABLE TRYING TO CONTACT GOD. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. KILL ME. RUN OVER MY HEAD. NEVER WAKE ME. SEND ME TO HELL ILL PAY FOR MY SINS NOW PLEASE PLEEAASSE ANYTHING BUT A MOMENTS MORE OF TORMENT. that kinda. Shit.

Every day people look at me and tell me I’m fine. I’m smart I’m practical I’m insightful I’m hanging on I’m resourceful I seem GREAT. Hell. My problems aren’t even that bad from their perspective (and maybe they’re right!)

I want to kill them every time and maybe one day I’ll smack someone across the face. Maybe break my knuckles smashing their nose into their brain. I think. I deserve it.

ANYWAY. had another lapse of mental angst because I cannot prioritize without a helper and that means I’m drowning in an infinitely vast array priorities, and should I spare one even a second of my attention, my anxiety comes running at me with a machete to ritually slaughter me for thinking for a second THAT was my highest priority.

I just want. To live. But I cannot. Because my brain doesn’t know what’s important. Except for. Being In a Domestic Cow Like State of UNTHINKING. and it makes me wanna explode my surroundings with my mind.

I’m getting a headache from being stuck in executive dysfunction too long and I donttt liikkeee iittttt.

LIKE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAVIN A GOOD ONE. I was supposed to be feelin a GOOD EMOTION SPARKED. INSPIRATION. INSPIRATION FOR MY DESIRE TO WRITE A STORY. But instead. I was smacked with that reminder that. I don’t choose what’s important and what needs to be done and if I do it. I don’t get to choose. So why both having dreams? Why bother having wants? Wishes? Why bother? (It would matter more if I had a community that HELPS ME and maybe I have a community that PROTECTS me but that’s. Not the same. I feel so fuckin brainless. My thoughts bounce in every direction but go Nowhere. They loop back on themselves and fight each other like rabid animals. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with a brain like this. Forever. Happily. Not without reliable support. Which doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as reliable. Everything is temporary. So it’s always fINE THEN you have to FIND A WAY TO COPE. ALONE? FOREVER? It’s bullshit. I hate this shit. Ahhhhh.

I wanted to think Ooo Ahh inspiration for a story I want to write so bad.

But it just went ‘when. When will you write. How. Will you be afloat. Will it distract you. Distract you from friends from life from stability? You can’t even take care of yourself you don’t deserve to do anything until you can take care of yourself and function with others and *you have so many other higher priorities that will kill you if you do not attend to them first*’

Weeps

THERAPIST SAID I DIDNT HAVE OCD. NOT EVEN PURE O. AND MAYBE SHE RIGHT. I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. IF PUSHED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. WHICH IM NEVER. BECAUSE IM ALONE. AND THAT MEANS I END UP RUMINATING TIL I HAVE HEART AND STOMACH PAINS. AHHHHHHH.

Awoooo

Awoooo

I hate it

#me. #therapy. #mur has a moment. #suicidal ideation// #negative// #(I’m not feelin it now but boy #(I will lapse in and out for being. a fucking. mess. #(if I allow myself even a moment of non distraction #(sometimes I can see where the stereotypes for autism come from #(yeah. maybe I do wanna zone out unspeaking on one thing #(and if you interrupt me I will lose my shit so hard I may just hurt everyone around me and myself #(because I am. I. so much. mental anguish. on the regular. #(I miss my therapist I am going to hate my new one no matter what she says #(she went on medical leave the minute my old therapist left #(like yeahyeahyeah sure can’t control that #(you could’ve emailed anyone about my continuum of care but you DIDNT #(I HOPE U HAVE TEN THOUSAND ALLERGIC REACTIONS