#-left the house by myself

[ghosts-cyphera]

hey it’s lo !! hi !! just quickly sliding in to say thank you to everyone who interacted with my post last night. I was really, really deep down in the pit and even though I wasn’t in any immediate danger, your love and help and support did get me through the night.

though I’m so, so incredibly sorry to see how many of you have struggled with suicidal thoughts, it also means a lot to see that I’m not alone with this. thank you so, so much for the reminder.

sending you all so incredibly much love right now, my darlings 💗 lo out !!

#today was easier! I had a dentist’s appointment that I had to get to in the morning and it was the first time in four weeks that I’d #-left the house by myself #I managed! I did really good actually. I didn’t get overwhelmed from being in the public #and I beat my fear of dentists and got my chipped filling filled back in :-) #then I went to tk maxx for some quick valentine’s shopping (because let’s be honest: w/ my track record I’m not leaving the house- #-before valentine’s lol) and treated myself to some chocolate cake and even started journaling today for the first time in many years! #heavily thanks to you all last night for your suggestions #anyhow !! I hope you’re all doing alright tonight. please know that every single ounce of my love is headed to you in 3-2-1 NOW #hopefully most of it reached itms destination and you feel a little bit warmer 💗 #lo talks #tw suicide #cw suicide

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

[sems-diarie]

death is insane. wdym i’ll never see my grandmother again

#she’s in her chair in the den cant nobody tell me nothing ok #death tw #grief #what’s this house without my grandmother in it? (all the people she left behind) #i cried this morning while eating grits she taught my mother how to make. love is so big when i think of it like that #i thought i heard her walker clack in the hallway last night. #she wears glasses & we have to decide where to keep them #grief is so strange #i can’t keep crying by myself (i’ll be crying for the rest of my life) #love is carrying on. i think.

[jamespotterbbg]

i refuse to believe it didn't tear sirius apart to leave home. i refuse to believe he didn't pack his bags with a straight face and run away, only to collapse and break down inconsolably when he made it to james's house. he'd escaped, but he left regulus behind. he left his brother. his baby boy.

why did it take him so long to leave home? if regulus wasn't there, he would've left years before. but he couldn't leave his brother behind. i can't even fathom how hard it was for him to leave, even if it was better for him. i imagine james offered sirius refuge year after year and was rejected time and time again.

leaving regulus tore sirius apart piece by piece. the guilt of leaving overwhelmed him and it never failed to collapse any happiness he found at the potter's, even years later. he never truly recovered from running away.

#no because i'm an older sibling and i don't think i would ever forgive myself if i left my brother behind #no matter what im going through he's my boy #it would tear me apart #the black brothers #black brothers #black family #black house #the most noble and ancient house of black #the noble house of black #the noble and most ancient house of black #house of black #regulus and sirius #sirius and regulus #sirius black #regulus black #walburga black #walburga's a+ parenting #orion black #sirius orion black #regulus arcturus black #regulus a black #sirius o black #marauders #the marauders #marauders era #the marauders era #marauders fandom #angst #marauders angst #siblings

[kedreeva]

I tried to make sourdough biscuits to freeze as a test to see if they would bake afterwards, and how, and so I mixed them up and cut them out and carefully preserved them on parchment paper in my freezer and then hours later I bagged them once they were frozen so I could take them to my mom's and then I went to sit down and realized oh FUCK. I fucking forgot the butter. I FORGOT the BUTTER. I skipped a whole ass step.

And I told my mother, shit I forgot the butter, and she goes what do you mean like inside or on top?

Inside!!! Inside!!!!!!!!! I didn't mix the butter in during prep!!! These are unbuttery biscuits!!!

And she goes

I didn't add butter to mine (I had brought her some discard to bake these biscuits with a few days ago)

I said what do you mean?

She goes, the recipe you told me didn't have butter (I told her the recipe from memory)

I FORGOT THE BUTTER TWICE

but wait there's more!!!

She goes, your dad liked them

At which point I'm forced to ask: did he tho. Did he like them, or did he tell you he liked them, the way he LIED to us for 35 years about liking pizza?

Well, she says, I don't know. he did admit tonight to not liking brussel sprouts

Which they've been eating together for years now, literally this man is incapable of telling someone he doesn't like a food which explains a lot of my childhood meals

So I'm like okay okay okay okay. Okay. I know I forgot the butter and I know these biscuits are frozen hockey pucks right now but hear me out... What if I turn the oven on to preheat it, and then put the biscuits under the oven vent to thaw, and then just mix the butter in after? Surely nothing will go wrong with this plan.

So I break out the biscuits, and I turn on the oven, and I start thawing them, and I put the butter into a bowl, and start frantically trying to mash it with a pastry masher. This goes about as well as you might expect, which is to say terribly, because the butter just sort of turns into a pile of butter instead of a stick, and I need it to be pebbles of butter.

So I start sprinkling in flour, just until the butter stops re-amalgamating. The biscuits are basically thawed by this point so I try to mash those in and that goes very very very badly, so I clean the tool and just start folding the butter in with my hands like kneading bread, desperately just trying to mash it into one coherent form. It makes a ball of dough, or good enough to pass for one, and I cut out six biscuit sized chunks.

Put them in. Bake them. My oven light doesn't work so I can't even check on them while they're baking to see if I fucked it up worse.

Finally I pull them out, and I realize I fucked up but at least it was in the right direction. The biscuits don't look like they're supposed to, but they do look like layered biscuits, and they taste fine. I put a bunch of honey on one of them and it was pretty good.

I tell all of this to my partner when he gets home and he listens to all of it in silence. When I'm done his only comment is:

"Well, I guess we know how puff pastry was invented, now."

Yeah, it was some asshole hundreds of years ago trying to cover up biscuit sins!!

#breadventure #personal #stories about ked's life #sigh #this is why i can't be left alone in a house by the way #i just start committing crimes against myself

[iknowicanbutwhy]

Oh, so she's kind of trendy? Cool cool

#art #fanart #hi-fi rush #roxanne vandelay #chai hi fi rush #*attempts simple background* it's not working why isn't it WORKING #hi fi rush #hi fi rush spoilers #spoilers #im marking spoilers because well. you dont get to see her colored-in and not made of stone/metal until the end so #I couldn't find any Roxanne pictures on google so i had to scour some cutscenes and make myself a ref #i love her ok? her family makes me think of mine and i just want everything to be okay #I also feel like Chai would be kind of nervous around her to start with. Who wouldn't be a little overwhelmed by a big business lady who #solved a global energy crisis and is also Pep's mom and who is also currently housing Chai more or less for free? #i would. i would be #i left out the thing on her collarbone. looked a little sus. like mind-control sus. i could be wrong #anyways reason 15 why i love peppermint: i love her mom too and i want everything to work out ;-;

[pinksilvace]

“It’s cold." “I know. I know, but we’re going to be alright. Do you hear me? You’re alright now. You’re going to be okay.” “I want to go home.” “We can’t go back home. We’re—we’re orphans now, remember? Nobody’s waiting for us back there.”

#this is technically art for my fic so it gets the tag: #silvacegreengardens #I love drawing backgrounds (lie) #my art #fernart #for once I'm feeling pretty proud of this one??? wild #guess that's what happens when I try for a full illustration every once in a while lol #rip to that plant specifically though. abstract shapes be upon ye #the owl house #caleb wittebane #philip wittebane #wittebros #toh fanart #eventually I'm going to post a short green gardens companion fic that explains what Caleb's going through bc it's a Lot #oh rip to the blanket and left hand too. definitely did not try incorporating them as well as I could have. ah well #the focus for this was color and expression anyway #bummer that it's so dark but I couldn't figure out how to get the ambience otherwise and I refuse to shoot reference of myself #dripping wet and sitting in a dark place with vague overhead ambient lighting #you should've seen how Caleb's feet looked in the initial sketch. HUGE. boy came straight out of kingdom hearts

[fried-manto]

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

#SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONE AND ONLY!!!! #we thank shuichi for existing everyday (praying hands emoji) #HAPPY BDAY TO THE MAN WHO GOT ME INTO THIS HELLHOLE #THANK YOU FOR BEING SO HOT AND CUTE AND SMART AND HOT AND SO SO SOSOSOSOSO CUTE!!!!!!! #traditional art cuz i did not trust myself enough to be able to make anything good with digital #LIVE LOVE LAUGH COLOUR PENCILS #fuck my camera quality tho what the actual fuck #this is literally the best one i could use after like 10 takes WITH filters #alr wishing yalls can just come into my house to admire the real thing #ill get better at digital art and next year ILL CREATE SOMETHING TRULY OUT OF THE WORLD FOR HIM!!! #danganronpa shuichi #shuichi saihara #drv3 shuichi #kokichi oma #he's the hand in the upper left corner btw if you cant see it properly #kokichi ouma #kaede akamatsu #hand on the right but honestly you can just interpret that as anyone as well #ndrv3 killing harmony #ndrv3 kin #ndrv3 #danganronpa v3 #my art

[buff-muffin]

I like the idea that Sabo’s dream to become a writer started as him writing a journal. Because you know, when he becomes a great pirate he’s gonna write a memoir which means you talk about your childhood. He’s just being prepared! Totally not writing about his freaks of nature brothers. Ace on the other hand finds Sabo writing a diary hilarious and has found it fun to tease him by stealing the book and reading it out loud to the crowd of Luffy and himself.

Sabo’s response? Write everything in cursive so his brothers can’t read it. It may have been the most useless fucking skill his parents have ever drilled into him but now he can’t be more greatful. Ace and Luffy genuinely think he’s writing in a different language and have tried to convince Sabo to teach them too so it can be their secret brother code.

#asl brothers #revolutionary sabo #portgas d ace #monkey d. luffy #if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes suck my digital dick #this headcanon came from the fact I myself can’t read cursive #I was taught it. doesn’t mean I can read it. #rambles #one piece #one piece headcanons #Ace held onto the journey and it lives in the tree house. #years later right before he set sail he dug it out and with a small struggle could read it #he cried that day with a lopsided smile on his face but left it there

[welcometogrouchland]

[ID: a digital drawing of Hunter and Willow from the owl house based on the "lesbians doing makeup" meme. Hunter is lying beneath Willow, who straddles him while doing his makeup. He looks at her somewhat dazed and she looks at him fondly. the background is a mid-tone blue. End ID]

This is what they are. To me

#the owl house #toh #hunter toh #willow park #huntlow #this the. 3rd? huntlow meme redraw I've done? #it's fun okay? #yesterday and today were pretty okay but they left me WIPED OUT and this was all i could make lmao #i probably could've spent more time on this but also it was just a silly meme redraw for fun lol it doesn't have to be the mona lisa #<- saying that through gritted teeth btw. it does not have to be the mona lisa #man I'm even too tired for tag rambles i do not have much to say #i will say that i contemplated doing this with amity and willow instead but I'm not super huge into them romantically #hence i figured that as much as i love the off-screen makeover Amity gave willow in s2 (that i lowkey wish ppl did more with) #I'd prefer to indulge myself this once lol #she's gonna give him red eyeshadow i think :] #i was gonna try and draw each of them with more makeup but it straight up didn't look right in my style lol #so uh. just imagine #okay i gotta go listen to music like my life depends on it hope u guys enjoy

[thefuturewithoutus]

this was the first time they'd seen each other in a year *dies* *dies* *dies* *dies* *dies*

#the heart #house md #hilson #8x02 transplant #<- i think my favorite episode #they look older and wilson is graying at the temples and .... god thinking back to s1.. #anyways i left the last 4 episodes for today. so if you need me later i will be killing myself

[m-eltdown]

#guess who actually left the house today!! (me) #feeling pretty cute and accomplished #you can actually see my face for once lmao #myself #my post #mine #my photo #my face #self #selfie #mirror selfie #mirror pic #redhead #red hair #fashion #grunge fashion #alternative fashion #alt #soft grunge #grungy aesthetic #grungy style #alternative #septum ring #septum piercing #girls with piercings #midriff #tummy #navel #felt cute #comfy and cute

[posallys]

i will NEVER not be pissed that most colleges cost about 40k A YEAR on average and that if YOUR PARENTS make over 120k AS A GROSS INCOME you're practically immediately disqualified for need-based aid???? like do you really believe anybody can afford to throw an entire third of their annual income to their kid's schooling, when they probably have several thousands of dollars in loan debt themselves??? in THIS economy??? eggs are fucking $7 a dozen where i am right now but GOD FUCKING FORBID i get any financial aid because "well your upper class" NEWS FLASH 120K IS THE NEW MIDDLE CLASS AND JUST BECAUSE MY PARENTS MAKE OKAY MONEY NOW DOESN'T MEAN FUCK ALL WHEN I CAN REMEMBER ALL THE NIGHTS THEY DIDN'T EAT WHEN I WAS GROWING UP BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAD ENOUGH FOOD TO FEED ME AND MY SISTERS I need to hold everyone involved at gunpoint because i really don't think a single fucking one of them understands "oh but you have money :/" there's literally a reason i work FULL FUCKING TIME while double majoring and it's because my parents can't even send me money for fucking groceries, let alone fork out FORTY FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS GOD DAMN YEAR for a degree that'll be FUCKING WORTHLESS in three years anyway i worked my ASS off and graduated with a 4.7 to get scholarships because i knew that's the only way i'd realistically be able to afford school. and then the fucking fafsa goes "oh but you have money in your savings! you can pay for your own school" bitch i have 4k and it's for my fucking rent!!!! my parents have like $600 in savings do YOU SEE THE ISSUE that's what being forced into credit card debt for 20 years fucking does it puts you in an unescapable hole so even when you're making good money YOU DON'T GET SHIT!!!!!! NOT TO MENTION THE ABYSMAL CREDIT SCORES MY PARENTS HAVE SO GOOD FUCKING LUCK TRYING TO GET LOANS FOR ME!!! COSIGNER? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF HER IM GOING TO KILL PEOPLE!!!!!!

#sponsored by me working on transfer applications and the fafsa telling me to go fuck myself ✨✨ #i need to strangle ever single fucking person in charge of uni pricing #give me ONE fucking reason your school costs 40k a year when you have thousands of undergrads #'non-profit' my FUCKING ASS lets do the math. #i currently go to a small school so 4500 undergrads (rounded down) #tuition ALONE is 43k. not to mention housing and food #but i'll be generous #so 4500 x 43000 = 193.500.000....which is ONE HUNDRED AND NINTY THREE AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS?????? #there's 315 full time faculty and 240 part time #i've talked to professors and the MOST tenured ones here make about 130k a year #so JUST FOR A MOMENT LETS ASSUME EACH FACULTY MAKES 130K.... (240+315)(130000) = 72.150.000 #OKAY SO 193M - 73M = 120 MILLION LEFT OVER AND I KNOW GOD DAMN WELL THAT NOT ALL OF THAT GETS PUT BACK INTO THE SCHOOL #THE DECREPIT FALLING APART DORMS AND CLASSROOMS??? THERE ARE FUCKING RATS IN THE ONE BUILDING LIKE HUH????? #NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU ONLY PROVIDE HOUSING FOR 2 YEARS AND ARE LOCATED IN THE SECOND MOST EXPENSIVE CITY FOR RENTERS IN THE US........... #'we're non-profit :)' MOTHERFUCKERS WHERE IS THAT 120 MILLION DOLLARS FUCKING GOING THEN. EAT MY DICK

[mygirljunhee]

Wonho’s Home Workout

#wonho #wonhonet #mx7net #kpopco #heysae #kiwitracks #do you remember where you were when this dropped? #i sure do #listen - obvi here for thirst reasons let's not play dumb - but this came out and like #I barely left my house - I was quarantining so hard #I know I had tried home workouts - but at this point in the fall I was like I'm over all that #Wonho uploading a workout video not only took me the fuck out - but it actually gave me a good boost to like. take care of myself? #so I super appreciate it beyond the fact that he's just really hot #addy.gifs

[jordblod]

hmu if u wanna join in on hunting james wilson for sports kay babes??

#i've had enough i need his ass locked up somewhere #actually i had enough like ten seconds into this show (if not before even starting) who am i kidding. i am knowingly doing this to myself #and there's so much left......... #house md #hilson #hatecrimes md #james wilson #hmd #mypost

[ladysansalannister]

I wish there were as many Rhaenyra dedicated blogs as there are Alicent ones

#don’t get me wrong i love alicent and the accs dedicated to her (for the most part) #but it feels like rhaenyra gets left out and she’s 100% my favorite of the two and my favorite on the show in general #rhaenyra targaryen #emma d’arcy #milly alcock #house of the dragon #hotd #asoiaf #miri’s thoughts #i’d make one myself but i don’t make gifs just graphics so i feel like it wouldn’t get any traction #maybe i’ll do it anyway who knows