#I will be taking a small break tho i think i burnt myself out... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

parkitaco · 9 months

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can I ask for details abt this amnesia fic that once has so much promise? 👀

also fun fact I too have an amnesia fic that once held so much promise but is now functionally abandoned until further notice. hive mind moment

hello elli YES omg idk what it is apparently amnesia fics are just that fucking difficult. or smth. idk but!! yes i will share everything that is still in my brain involving this fic (under the cut tho i'm abt to infodump so hard)

this idea was originally planted by an anon who left a very cute little amnesia prompt in my inbox (anon if you're out there i'm so sorry i swearrr). i've since deviated from the og prompt which was fairly lighthearted (amnesia will sees mike hovering over him obsessively and assumes he's his bf. and mike short circuits. which was an excellent idea my brain just wouldn't accept it) and went for angst bc well. i'm like that. and basically my idea was just that will wakes up in mike's room very recently post-apocalypse (the wheeler's house has been a base in the apocalypse and mike offered his room bc of course he did), having been in a coma for a few months. the idea behind it was that vecna / the hive mind tried to possess him again, but this time will was strong enough to fight back, and though he couldn't fight *through* the possession he was at least able to kind of incapacitate himself so that he couldn't be used to hurt his friends (yay angst!!). while he was asleep the others managed to stop vecna / kill the UD, hence freeing will from possession. yay he's awake!! unfortunately, since he was in the coma for so long, the virus ate away parts of his consciousness, namely his memories.

basically i took s2 and birthdaygate and made it bigger and more dramatic and worse. yay parker!!

the way i was planning on having will's memories come back is very slowly and methodically (i.e. it takes him a while to remember stuff but once he does it pretty much sticks), mainly through him being reminded of them through sensory recognition or people sharing stuff - he also has vague feelings attached to people, and can definitely recognize when a face belongs to someone important to him (cough cough mike wheeler) but he doesn't remember names or details and this drives him INSANE.

the bylerification of this would be mike, post-apocalypse and broken up with el and having had some Very Important Realizations, frantically fumbling trying to give will love confessions and apologies when will literally doesn't remember any of their fights. so not only does mike have to apologize for everything, he also has to make will relive it first, and Then hope that will doesn't reject him. (hehe.) this sucks for him, but yada yada it all works out and they make out sloppy. the end

i abandoned this fic for a lot of reasons, many of which i no longer remember, but the main ones were a., that is a lot of backstory for a story that ultimately doesn't have much plot beyond Mike Is Stressed And Will Is Confused, and b., at the time i was kind of burnt out on writing/reading apocalypse stuff, and c., i wasn't a big fan of the concept of everyone saving the world with will still incapacitated bc i know my boy is more of a key character than that!!! (this is small and ik people could get over it for This One Fic but it Really Bothered me Ok)

that being said,,, writing all this out did remind me of how much i liked the concept and i think taking the pressure off of myself for a couple months did help, as did taking a break from apocalypsey concepts for a while. so. Maybe. and that is all i will say about that <33

#so sorry elli this is probably more than u ever needed to know #and if i did publish this fic ever it is now 100% spoiled #but. it's fine #i do have 15k written of scenes that i really do like #there's just more plot that needs to be added and at the time i was working on this that felt like an impossible task #. anyway #so sorry. but u did ask so this is really on you #and if you ever get ur amnesia fic going again i will be the no. 1 supporter !!!

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vulpecular-draconic · 2 months

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small update on my maned wolf hearttype/kintype questioning:

last night i hadn’t done any research about maned wolves yet. i had been too busy hyperfixating on other alterhuman things during the day to start looking stuff up, and too tired to think about it as i was getting ready for bed.

as i was absentmindedly watching youtube videos, taking a break from alterhuman stuff, i got the urge to do a deep throaty sound. not really like a howl, but sorta? my head would be in a howl-ish pose, but the sound would be shorter and different. random creature instincts aren’t too out of the ordinary for me, and i don’t know if i’ve had this one before; if so, it would’ve been a while ago.

it occurred to me that this might be a sound maned wolves make, so after my video was finished i looked up some others about maned wolf sounds. and! the first one was of a maned wolf roar-barking! which was very euphoric. i watched a few more videos, which mostly showed them squealing/squeaking. i already do that all the time, stemming from my fox kintypes + autism.

i’m pretty sure i haven’t heard any maned wolf sounds before then. i’ve only seen them in pictures and a 2-second silent video as far as i remember. so my explanations for this roar-bark noema is: 1) i have heard the sound and just don’t remember, 2) simple but enjoyable coincidence, or 3) i subconsciously got the impression that they’d make a sound like that just from looking at them, which my brain then randomly threw at me.

unfortunately this hasn’t helped me much with the actual questioning. i don’t think it’s a kintype tho, if it’s anything at all. the muzzle stands out most — it doesn’t quite fit me. i think it’s too long, or the wrong shape in another way. it feels dysphoric to imagine on myself. however i have seen many red foxes whose muzzles are longer/different than my red fox muzzle, too. maybe the maned wolves in the closer-range videos just happened to have different muzzles than me and i’m applying a face shape to myself that i don’t even need to have.

again, sounds and appearance alone aren’t very helpful, especially this early on.

i may do more research today or tomorrow, but currently i’m a bit burnt out by yesterday’s hyperfixation.

#i say some stuff #maned wolf hearttype #maned wolf kintype #critter experiences #critter questions and/or questioning #long post #critter shifts #otherhearted #therian #alterhuman #noema #noemata

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jayflrt · 11 months

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OMG WHAT ?? 😡 I cant believe tumblr deleted my ask from you :( that’s so rude !! thank goodness I sent in another one ! ^_^

I’m doing very well, n’ tysm !! n’ small update; I’ve been well, I actually just finished my classes so I’m officially on summer break !! >.< I have so much time on my hands I just don’t know what to do ! wbu ?? how’ve you been ml ! 🫶🏼 AWE TYY !! I managed to get sm inspo and have 3.5k words ! I have to continue writing later today ! >.<

OMG YOU SHOULD !! Im glad you’re getting motivation again ! hopefully you can write something soon !! I’m rooting for you !! 🤧 I’m sure whatever you come up with is going to be amazing esp since you have free time !! ^_^ 🎉 oh yes !! so, it’s called “fanfics and the boy next door” it’s not finished yet sadly cause I was super preoccupied with school ! but now that I’m also free lol I get to hopefully finish it soon !! ^_^

YES I DID OML !! IT WAS LITERALLY THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE 🤧 I miss her sm it was literally insane !! 🤧 n’ TYYY !! It was a surprise from my sis, my sisters and I went together !! It was all vv fun !! oml, I saw that ! resale prices went up to like 3k, it was like so crazy ! 💜 THAT REMINDS ME ! so, once it got to the rep era of the concert the whole stadium was literally SHAKING ! and I mean SHAKING !! it was scary but honestly so much fun LMAOO 😭

OMG YAY THATS SO EXCITING !! 💗 have you found a job that you’re interested in yet or do you know what you want to work as !! 🫶🏼 ooo that sounds nice !! I hope you enjoy your trips n’ pls make sure to be careful !! <33 AWE :( maybe you guys can meet up whenever you can ? even though college is over that doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends !! ^_^ 🫶🏼🥹

hm ! well, I don’t have any plans sadly lol !! I’m thinking of maybe focusing on writing and editing this summer !! I am supposedly going to the beach next Saturday though ! so that’s something to do ! 😅😭 but I guess we’ll see what happens !! 😭🫶🏼 how’s your day been so far ?? anything fun happen ?

(cont.) OMG ALSO !! tysm for liking my theme 🤧🫶🏼 I forgot to thank u for the compliment lol !! your theme tho > it’s so iconic and I will forever love it 🥹

I KNOW I WAS SO UPSET WHEN I TRIED TO POST IT AND THE RED LINE SHOWED UP <//3 AND IT WOULDNT EVEN LET ME RETRY POSTING IT LIKE WTHHH TUMBLR

also im so glad you're doing well !!! and congrats on finishing exams and i hope you're enjoying your summer break to its fullest !! 🥰💖 maybe you can take up a hobby :o like crocheting HAHAH learn how to crochet with me 😌 i was making a shirt and it turned out rlly cute actually :') OMG YAYYY i hope the writing's going well >:)) 3.5k phewwww i see you 😮‍💨 and i've been doing good !! school definitely burnt me out this year so the break is nice HAHAH but getting back to work omg.... i was so tired all the time last summer so we'll see how it goes LOL

omg do you think you're gonna finish the fic soon?? :o i hope it goes well !! ALSO IM GLAD YOU HAD FUN AT THE CONCERT did you like "speak now"? 💘 i am not a swiftie but my friends really liked it :')) OHH YEAH REPUTATION IS A TOP TIER ALBUM im sure it must've been insane to see live !!

there are a few roles im interested in but im also telling myself i need to work my way up to higher positions since they're more mid-senior level positions 🥲 i will be all good tho !! 😌 job hunting SUCKS i hate when entry level positions require years of experience like girl that's not entry level anymore HAHAH also yes!! i think we will be fine since we all live relatively close ,, it's just gonna be so nostalgic thinking back to when i was free to do whatever in college LOL

ooo that sounds fun !! 🥰 i hope you had a good time at the beach <33 my day's been pretty slow ngl 😩 yesterday i went to my friend's party and then tomorrow i think im going to a movie with a few friends but we'll see 🥲 today tho i have been watching gose throughout the day at random HAHAH

#💌 : love notes #enaus

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navegandoaciegas · 4 years

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Broken Wings {2/2}

Pairing: Lee Bodecker x Reader

Summary: You’re a small town girl with big city dreams, set on leaving Knockemstiff and its Sheriff behind for good. Lee Bodecker would do anything to make sure you stay with him.

Warnings: smut, explicit language, non-con, breeding kink, unprotected vaginal sex, creampie, overall dark themes, kind of a slow build up to the nasty.

A/N: Sorry for the delay, I’ve had an eventful couple of days. This is part 2, read part 1 here.

The adrenaline that rushed through your veins blocked out the pain in your body and the noises around you. Your breathing came out in short, panicked huffs as you sprinted through the woods, Lee hot on your heels.

You thought back to the past 12 hours, and how they’d changed your life.

Leaving Knockemstiff and boarding a bus for New York, with your big dreams and a small bag. Almost reaching Pennsylvania’s border before your hopes were snatched away. Lee chasing said bus, blasting the sirens of his patrol car and pulling the driver over. The dread that settled in your stomach when you met his enraged stare, your hopes of a better life shattering in a million pieces, the anger and humiliation that had filled you when he’d dragged you, kicking and screaming, out of the bus, under the judgemental or pitying stares of the passengers.

“You can’t run from me, dove.”

His voice echoed in the woods, tantalizing and terrorizing you all the same. You’d managed to bolt away and hide in the woods before he could handcuff you, but you hadn’t made it too far before he’d found you.

In the event that he’d ever caught you, you’d imagined that he’d fall on his knees and beg you to stay. Lee dragging your ass out of the bus like any drunk bastard he’d escorted home after a fight was certainly not the reaction you’d expected.

You pushed the branches out of your face, feeling a new tear in the skin of your cheeks whenever you’d barrel through a bush. You had no idea where you were going, all you knew was that you had to keep running until your feet bled. Hide. Disappear.

Just a couple more miles and you’d find another town, you could catch a bus then, and maybe you’d be safe-

One second you were sprinting through the trees, and the next your foot was caught in an exposed root, and you tumbled down the slope with your arms stretched out to protect your face.

You hissed in pain when you lifted your palms from the ground. Debris stuck to the abrasion, and it burnt and stung when you flexed your hands. You tried standing up, but fell back among the leaves, feeling lightheaded.

You registered some more cuts on your knees, but you couldn’t tell whether it was blood or tears that streamed down your face.

The branches contorted around you, and the shadows they casted danced around the edges of your vision.

New York, new life, new beginning. Your mom’s smile in her Sunday dress when she’d waved you off. The stench of alcohol in Lee’s breath when he’d caught on the bus.

You thought you’d heard a voice call your name in the distance before your vision went dark, and you let the void envelop you.

The sky had turned dark when Knockemstiff’s rusty welcome sign came into view, and he hadn’t spoken a word to you since you’d woken up in his car, with his dark leather jacket draped over your shoulders and bandages on your bruised skin.

You’d stopped sobbing, and you’d run out of pleads, apologies, and tears.

For the first time in your life, you were afraid of him.

His car pulled to a stop in a deserted parking lot. He killed off the engine, and clenched his jaw, inhaling a deep breath before he spoke.

“What was goin’ through that dumb head of yours, sweetie? What made you think you could up, and fuckin’ leave me like that?” he bit through gritted teeth, chest heaving. “One of the boys called me this morning, said he heard your mother talk about you to one of her old hags, babblin’ ‘bout leaving for good, New York, a job.”

He let out a bitter laugh, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.

“He thought she’d finally done lost her goddamn mind. Ain’t no sheriff’s girl leaving town for good, he said.”

“I’m sorry, Lee, I should've told you, I was selfish-”

“Yes, you fuckin’ were, fuckin’ selfish is what you are.” he screamed, and you jumped in surprise, because he’d never raised his voice at you.

“I’m sorry, I can’t give you what you want. I don’t want that. You know I don’t belong here Lee, just lemme go, forget all about me.” you pleaded once again, voice small and broken.

He stayed silent for a moment after your little rant, before bursting into a fit of laughter. His body shook with the vibration, and he clutched his stomach, as if no joke had ever sounded so fun in his ears.

“Forget about you? Sweetie, you know I can’t do that. I love you too much.”

“If you love me, let me go Lee, I’m begging you. Please.” you sobbed, gripping his hands in yours, hoping your wobbling lips would move him.

He sighed, and enveloped your hands in his warm ones, bringing them to his lips. He left a trail of kisses from the inside of your wrists to your knuckles.

“Come with me, then. Leave this shitty place behind for good, Lee. Ain’t nothing good’s come out of ‘ere anyways.”

You thought you’d seen his resolve break. You thought he’d choose you for once. Choose you over his thirst for power.

“You know I can’t do that,” he snapped, raising his voice again, “I’m so close to gettin’ myself elected, the campaign is going well, I can’t give up now.”

“Can’t or won’t?” you pressed, anger hardening your stare.

He held your gaze for a moment before looking ahead, eyes unreadable for the first time since you’d met him.

“You know I’m selfish too,” he shrugged.

He reached for his belt, and held up the metal handcuffs, wordlessly securing them around your wrists, ignoring your protests.

“Just stay here.” he grumbled before swinging the door open.

The cold, unyielding cuffs dug in your wrists as you attempted to tug them free from the metal hook on the dash where they were attached to.

It was useless, but it made you feel like you were actually trying. You were mad at Lee, of course, at whoever had tipped him off, and at yourself.

Especially at yourself for your wistful thinking, for convincing yourself that Lee would have given up on you as you’d had on him. For not running fast enough, being strategic enough.

You huffed in annoyance when the metal hook refused to give in, and fell back on the headrest with a groan.

Your calves and shins were sore from your crazy sprint in the woods, and the palms of your hands were scraped from your fall. Lee had cleaned the cuts, but they still stung when you’d inadvertently brush them against each other.

You were mostly unscathed, except for your wounded pride.

You wished your glare could incinerate Lee on the spot when he opened the door to the driver’s seat with a smirk on his lips. The car creaked and swayed when he sat down.

“Fries and vanilla shakes, your favorite.” he announced, opening up the brown paper bag on his lap.

“I’m not hungry.” you mumbled, turning your head to observe the diner’s feeble neon lights in the distance.

Your stomach chose that moment to betray you, and let out a growl when the waft of fried food reached your nose. You hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and you were starving.

“Your tummy seems to think otherwise, dove.”

You used to think that his cocky loopsided grin gave a youthful glow to his face, but now you couldn’t help but hate the satisfaction it oozed.

“Open up.” he chirped, a handful of fries in his hands.

You rolled your eyes, sighing to yourself. “You’re not actually going to do that, are ya? Just uncuff me, Lee.

“I won’t uncuff you until I’m sure I can trust that you won’t run off on me, dove. Might take a while, tho. Now open up.”

You parted your lips, deciding that this one wouldn’t be the hill you’d choose to die on. Glaring at him, you took a bite out of the fries. He hissed when your teeth snapped hard against his fingers, but let out a chuckle seeing you in the state you were in, amused by your pathetic struggle.

“Good girl.” he praised you, feeding you some more like you used to do on those long nights patrolling the streets. Back when feeding each other was an act of love, not a humiliating punishment.

“So how was your little trip in Ohio, sweetie? Enjoyed the fields?”

He hummed when you refused to speak, and brought the milkshake to your mouth, studying your lips as they closed on the striped paper straw, and your cheeks hollowing when you sucked.

“Could’ve drove you myself if you’d asked. Could’ve brought you somewhere nice on holiday this winter. Someplace outside of Ohio.” he continued, taking a sip for himself, “Maybe we can go to a beach on our honeymoon, whaddya say, huh?”

You snorted at his audacity, almost inhaling the milkshake.

“What honeymoon are you talking about, Lee? Ain’t no way I’m marrying you now.”

He shook his head again, a small smile forming on his lips.

“Yes, you are, dove. You are marrying me.”

Your eyes almost bulged out of your head as you gave him an incredulous look. Had you been blinded by love, or was he showing his true colors now?

“What, you’re gonna drag me by the hair and force me to sign the papers? Don’t think the preacher or the fine citizens of this shitty fuckin’ town are gonna like that too much.”

You scoffed, feeling your vision blur with tears again.

Lee levelled his face with yours, eyes darting between your own. You’d never noticed the darkness in him, and it made your heartbeat spike for all the wrong reasons.

“I don’t need to drag you, dove. You’re gonna come to that altar with a smile on these pretty lips. And you know why?” he whispered in your ear, and you felt a shiver go down your spine.

His calloused hand caressed your thigh, slowly hiking up your pleated skirt. “Because I’m finally gonna put a child inside you tonight, and nothing’s gonna stop me.”

Before you had time to react, or panic, he’d climbed to the passenger’s side, caging you in with his large body. He slanted his mouth against yours, forcing his tongue between your lips that you’d parted in a surprised gasp.

You pushed your shoulders against his, trying to pry him away, but he groped you relentlessly. Panic gripped you when you realized you were bound and at his mercy, and he wasn’t joking about his intentions.

“Gonna keep you chained until I knock you up, dove. Keep you in my house, can’t trust that mother of yours,” he huffed between kisses, hands roaming over your body.

“Stop, Lee, have you lost your goddamn mind? Don’t fuckin’ touch me, you asshole. Lemme go.”

You managed to kick his stomach, but in the frantic haze that had overcome him, he barely took notice, continuing his exploration of your body.

You shrieked when his hand dipped in your panties, and to your utter shame, found them soaked.

“You really want me to stop? Because your pussy is telling me a whole ‘nother story, sweetie. Feel how wet you are for me, you like this, don’t ya?”

He brought his finger to your lips, forcing your mouth open until you’d sucked him clean of your juices. He hummed when he dipped down and kissed you again, tasting your arousal on your tongue.

Your teeth snapped on his bottom lip until you’d drawn blood, and he released you with a hiss. His hand gripped your jaw, and tears began blurring your vision.

You couldn’t find adoration, love, and care in his eyes, only cruel determination.

The screams you let out sounded like a muffled gargle.

“Scream all you want, no one’s gonna hear you, and if they do, what’re they gonna say to me? I’m the sheriff sweetie, I’m the law. You were just stupid enough to think you could escape me.”

You pushed, kicked, screamed, thrashed until the metal cuffs had scrubbed your skin raw, fighting the hands that were pushing your bra down until your tits spilled out.

His fingers grazed your heated skin like they’d done a million times before, staining your loving memories forever.

“Fuck sweetheart, you’re gonna look so good with my baby inside you, all round and swollen.” he groaned, nipping at the juncture between your neck and shoulder, sucking on the skin hard enough to hurt you, “All the men in this town are gonna be jealous of me. Might have to keep you locked up all the time.”

You couldn’t deny the throbbing in your core when his tongue licked a stripe behind your ear, nor the arousal soaking through your panties when slid his hand over the hair on your mound, teasing you.

“Gonna keep these tits full of milk for a long time sweetie.”

You moaned when his thick fingers breached your entrance, feeling the pressure build up as he kept pumping them in and out of you. He kept his thumb on your clit, the way he knew you liked, until you were so sensitive and overstimulated that you couldn’t tell pain and pleasure apart.

“You can never leave me, never again. Don’t you understand, I’m nothing without you. I need you.”

He played your body so well that it made you sick.

“Please Lee,” you panted, clenching your jaw to suppress your wanton sounds, “Don’t do this. There’s no turning back from this. Please.” you pleaded, lips wobbling.

“That’s the point,” he huffed, struggling to fit in the space between the passenger’s seat and the dashboard.

He forcefully spread your legs open, making a quick work of ripping your cotton panties to shreds. Bringing his face down to your glistening cunt, he inhaled a deep breath before delving into your folds, tongue lapping at your juices. The lewd, slurping sounds soon mixed with your moans that you could no longer keep in.

By that point you didn’t know if you were fighting to keep his head where it was or to rip it out of his neck.

“You taste like heaven, so fuckin’ sweet.” he grunted before latching onto your bud, hollowing his cheeks arount it as he sucked you off.

Fireworks went off in your lower belly when pleasure exploded inside you. Waves of pleasure crashed through your body, rendering your limbs limp and heavy.

All rational thoughts thrown out the window, you melted into his body when he surged forward to slant his lips against yours. He swallowed your moans with his hungry kisses, cradling your face like the most precious artifact.

It felt wrong, yet so right. He was still Lee. Your Lee. The one who’d drive and sing with you, who’d found your dad a job after he’d lost it, who’d made love with the most care unlike any other man who’d ever laid a finger on you.

At least, that’s what you tried telling yourself when he pushed his hard, leaking cock inside your swollen cunt, and your body welcomed him in your warmth without any fight.

You both snarled when he sheathed himself inside you.

“I love you so much sweetie, I can’t lose you again.”

It was wrong and dirty, but it was okay to feel good because it was your Lee between your legs.

He hoisted your legs over his shoulders and slumped against the seat. His cock reached deeper than you thought possible, and you felt every ridge and veins slide over your walls.

Teeth clattering, bruising touches. You ached to touch him, maybe claw his eyes out or caress his chubby cheeks.

Electricity jolted every nerve ending on your body, and the next words he whimpered in your ear would have been a cold shower, had you not been so far gone already.

“I’m gonna fuckin’ cum inside you, dove, fill you up with my cum over and over again until I’m sure I’ve put a baby in you. Fuck-”

He snapped his hips harder against yours, thrusting his cock in and out of you. Your cunt quivered around him, gripping him tightly. He pushed you over the edge over and over again, until you were a drooling mess who couldn’t form coherent thoughts anymore.

“I told you sweetie, it’s only a matter of time.” He punctuated each world he panted in the crook of your neck with a harsher thrust of his hips. “Ain’t no more parking lots, just a big ole bed. Yeah, people like me in this town, you know that, dove. I’ll get myself elected-, get a- cushy place up on Brewer Heights. We’ll be happy, have kids and all. My pretty wife, fuck- every man in this shitty town will envy me.”

You bucked your hips against his, wildly chasing your release. He could feel another one of your orgasms near by the way you clenched around him.

“Fuck-, God, you’re squeezin’ me. Fuckin’ cum on ny cock dove, I want to feel you come all over me, make a mess on me.”

You pushed out the muscles of your pelvis, and the intensity of your pleasure almost blacked you out again as you gushed all over him, soaking through your skirt onto the seat.

His cock swelled and twitched, and he released himself inside you, painting your walls with his hot spurt. The feeling was unlike anything you’d ever felt before, a fullness you never thought you could experience.

Your chest heaved as you slumped on the seat, arms aching and wrists scrubbed raw.

His cock softened inside you, and he watched enthralled his seed spill out of your cunt, your abused hole still clenching around nothing.

“Jesus, I hope it takes, dove.”

He droned some more, but you’d stopped listening. You kept staring ahead, letting him dress you back again like a motionless doll.

Had you been more aware, you would have seen the shadow of guilt creep on his face, soon replaced by cool determination when he blinked the tears away and hardened his stare once again.

Your body didn’t feel like your own anymore.

Static noises interrupted his actions.

“Any cars around-...got a call from Hawk at the bar- anyone can check that out?”

“Fuck,” he groaned, picking up the radio, “I wanted to go at it a few more times, just to make sure.”

Minutes, or maybe hours, passed by in a blur. You had no idea where you were, or how long it’d been since he dragged you back in this hellhole.

New York, a new job, a new beginning. It all seemed so far.

There was only one thing you knew for sure.

“I’m getting out of ‘ere again, Lee.” You murmured in a daze, “I’m getting out and God himself couldn’t stop me if he tried.”

Drained of all energies, you let the soothing sway of the car lull you to sleep.

Lee sighed to himself, watching you so defensless, bound at his mercy. He’d take care of you until the end of his miserable life, and protect you from everything, even yourself.

“I'm the only God here, sweetie, and I can assure you, you’re not going anywhere.”

Afterall, his dove couldn’t fly away from him with broken wings.

I hope you enjoyed this! Please, leave some feedback. It means the world to me! 💓

#sebastian stan x reader #lee bodecker x reader #dark lee!bodecker x reader #lee bodecker x you #lee bodecker x y/n #the devil all the time

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katsukisblackteddy · 3 years

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HOT TOMALES! I just got a great idea for a request! Bakugo, Fatgum, Sero, and Hawks hcs of them with a black!fem!s/o but she has a Galaxy quirk. It gives her purple blue eyes with stars and constellation pupils that changes when she blinks, she blushes stardust and mini stars, has sparkly tears, and her quirk allows her to use black holes, comet like projectiles, and she can make mini stars and planets appear from her energy along with spreading stars and constellation like freckles all over her body. (I saw these gorgeous art designs and I couldn’t help myself. I do not own the art, they are just inspiration to me for this request 😭✨)

“She’s Out of This World” - Headcannons

Pairings: bakugou, fatgum, sero, and hawks x black!fem! reader Pronouns: she/her Warnings: none...besides a few curse words (cough...bakugou...cough)

Thanks for another great request <3

He definitely was NOT looking forward to the new foreign student joining the class when Aizawa first announced it

But then you stepped through the oversized doorway and he very obviously did a double take

Bakubitch was seeing stars...literally...you were flustered and blushing stardust

Bakugou thought that you were hot and your quirk was cool...though he would NOT admit it

He was definitely overly aggressive towards you when you met each other because bby boi didn’t know how to express his feelings

Hi crush grew when he saw you wouldn’t take his shit and you talked back...(he thought that was hot as fuck)

“Hey (y/n)-chan?” Midoriya asked from his seat, his half burnt journal out as he held a pen in his hand. His green eyes were wide as he looked you over before scribbling things down

Bakugou wasn’t saying anything and was pretending to be on his phone but he would look up every so often to see if you found Deku as annoying as he did

He was kinda bummed when he saw you didn’t

“What’s up Midoriya?” You asked back as Midoriya looked back up at you, loosing his train of thought when he saw the constellations in your eyes change and shooting stars in the purple-blue orbs when you blinked or got excited.

“C-can you make stars and planets and stuff?” He asked after a pause. This caught the explosive blonde’s attention as he watched you smile and nod.

“Yeah...do you want me to do it now?” Everyone nodded in response to your question, their eyes now focusing on you.

A mini galaxy began to appear above your hands, a small smile on your face as you looked at everyone’s excited and impressed faces.

“Woah! You’re really hot!” Mineta said, catching you off guard as your eyes widened and you cheeks became covered in stardust, a shooting star appearing above your head.

“T-thanks.” You grew even more flustered as some of the other boys agreed

Bakugou glared daggers at Mineta for breathing near you, so the fact that he talked to you was pissing him off even more

Mineta’s ass got BEAT after school and the next day Mineta wouldn’t even look at you

You caught the satisfied smirk on Bakugou’s face that he tried to hide when he saw Mineta practically piss his pants

“You know you could just talk to me...” You said from your seat behind Bakugou with a small laugh as Bakugou tried to hide his quickly reddening cheeks

He LOVES to talk about you and show you off, even if not a lot of people get to see you together because y’all are pro-heros

Will definitely talk everyone’s ears off when given the chance about how cool your galaxy quirk is and how strong and powerful you are to the point where some of his friends are convinced you aren’t real because they haven’t seen you together

No one questions him anymore after you joined him and his two interns on patrol when they spotted you after you had just finished your own patrol

“Excuse me.” You looked down when you felt a small tug at your belt, seeing a little girl with pigtails and warm brown eyes.

“Hi sweetheart.” You smiled widely at the girl as you kneeled to her level, noticing the doll of you in her arms and the small stars that were drawn on her cheeks.

“I wanna be just like you when I grow up! I already told my mommy!” The little girl told you excitedly as a woman who looks like the older version of the little girl in front of you smiles at you with a hand on the girl’s shoulder.

“I think you’ll make a great hero one day.” You told her as her eyes seemed to shine in adoration. Her little hand touched the stars on your cheek as she mumbled about how pretty it was.

“Thank you.” You laughed lightly as the little girl blushed.

“I can make sunlight!” She explained after a moment, excitedly showing you her hands that formed the little ball of light.

“Watch this.” You smiled, putting your hands around hers as you made tiny planets and a mini galaxy around her little ball of light that looked like a sun.

“Woah!” The little girl excitedly jumped up and down before hugging you as her mother thanked you before the pair walked off. You stood turning when you felt eyes on you.

It was your boyfriend, Toyomitsu and his two interns who had been watching the little exchange with small smiles.

“Are these your interns!” You asked him excitedly as you pulled at his large hand, eyeing the two teenagers.

“Mmhmm.” He nodded proudly. “Isn’t she out of this world?” He asked to the boys with a laugh.

You rolled your eyes at his corny joke, but let out a small laugh.

“Do you want to join us?”

“Of course! Toyomitsu literally doesn’t stop talking about you two! It’s great to finally meet you.”

“Really? He hasn’t stopped talking about you either.” Kirishima said as your starry purple and blue eyes looked from the redhead to your boyfriend with a raised eyebrow. He just smiled at you, a soft pink covering his cheeks as he shrugged.

Flex tape is super into you from the moment he saw you, but he was too nervous to say anything to you in the beginning

He was convinced you would go for someone like him (which is stupid bc he’s so cute)...he was obviously wrong

Both you and Sero’s quirks have pretty practical applications, especially when you generated small suns and moons as light sources

The first time you generated a black hole kinda scared him tho...even if it was a small one

Once you convinced him that you had complete control over the black hole, he wasn’t so nervous about it anymore.

Definitely takes advantage of the black hole creation ability of your quirk now too

“Hey (y/n) can you come over?” Your boyfriend called you. This made you nervous because you thought something bad could’ve happened...like that one time Sero had accidentally gotten his tape stuck in a fan while it was accidentally stuck in his hair

“What happened? Did you start a fire? Was Denki involved? Is there another fan, because I can go get my scissors again!” You said quickly as you stood at his door in the dorms.

You had rushed there so it had only taken you a moment to get there after he had hung up.

“Nope...no fire, Kaminari wasn’t involved, and there isn’t another fan incident...but I kinda broke the vacuum cleaner and there’s glitter all over my room.”

“Why is there glitter everywhere?” You looked from the mess all on the floor to your boyfriend who smiled sheepishly at you.

“Well, Kaminari thought it would be fun to do a prank...and the test kinda backfired...”

“I thought you said Kaminari wasn’t involved?”

“Uh-” He stopped when you held your hand up with a sigh.

“What am I supposed to do about this Hanta?”

“I was thinking that maybe you could use a black hole...since it’s kinda like a vacuum?”

“Fine.” You sighed after a pause in conversation, nodding once before you made a small black hole appear in your hand. Pointing it towards the floor you sucked up all of the glitter before making the black hole disappear again.

“I knew it would be faster than a vacuum!” Sero told you as he hugged and thanked you.

“Don’t be so messy next time...and maybe stay away from the glitter.” You laughed.

Keigo was kind of caught off guard when he first saw you.

He originally thought your quirk had just changed your appearance and that it was only creating stars, well until one day...

You see, the pair of you had moved in together and had also gotten a dog because why the hell not?

Anyways Keigo was supposed to be getting home any moment from patrol and since you had been off that day, you stayed home with your dog

“Did you have to ruin your toys so quickly? We just brought you this ball.” You complained to the small rambunctious animal who simple stared up at you with big brown eyes and a wag of its tail.

“Alright, let’s try this then.” You said after thinking for a moment. You created a small planet before throwing it down the hall. If your dog broke it, you could simply make a new one and it wouldn’t be a waste of money.

The dog happily chased after it before appearing a moment later with the small blue planet in its mouth. It put the sphere down at your feet, looking up at you and waiting for you to throw it again.

The door opened as you threw it down the hall again, Keigo walking into the house after just getting off.

He set his goggles on the table by the door along with his special headphones, taking his gloves and jacket off at the door.

“I’m home, Birdie.” He called out as your dog ran towards him and dropped the strange new ball that he didn’t remember getting at his feet.

“I’m in here.”

“Weird.” The pro-hero mumbled before tossing the ball again and walking towards where your voice had come from.

“How was patrol?” You asked as your dog appeared again, the broken planet in front of him on the ground at your feet.

“It was fine...nothing major.” He answered simply, watching as you sighed giving a look to your dog before putting your hands together and making another small sphere, this time a purple color.

“Try not to break it so quickly this time.” You told the dog before tossing it.

“What was that?” He questioned as you looked at him confused. “When you put your hands together?” He clarified.

“Oh...did I forget to tell you? He broke his new ball, so I created a planet for him. I just figured it would be easier than buying him another toy that he’ll just end up destroying.” You shrugged.

“You can make planets?”

“Among other things.” You laughed softly at the surprised face he made. “I thought I told you.”

“No...but that’s cool as hell! What else can you do?” He asked, his eyes not leaving yours as he laid his head in your lap as you both sat on the couch with you explaining your quirk in depth.

Tags:

#katsukisblackteddy #requested #bnha #bnha x black reader #mha x black reader #mha #headcannons #bakugou #fatgum #sero #hawks #galaxy quirk #x reader #pls i love fatgum #bnha boys make me soft #bnha x reader

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itsybitsylemonsqueezy · 4 years

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*sigh* I love him... oh, hey there tumblr! It’s been awhile, sorry about that. Been drinking a big ol’ glass of Loving Kiryu juice tho so it’s time for some Kiryu Opinions with Lemon. Sit’ya down and gather close.

I’ve recently been informed that writing Kiryu is hard. This came as a surprise to me because Kiryu is very intuitive for me to wield. Like, there’s a certain amount of pressure with writing any protag, especially one who so defines a series and a universe, even now. But I just... don’t struggle with him. All of his decisions are intuitively relatable for me.

But hearing that Kiryu was deceptively complicated made me stop and thinking about what about him appeals to me, what I find easy to move with him. I don’t know about any of you, but when I struggle to write a character, it’s because I struggle to understand their motivations. (Note that I said understand, which doesn’t necessarily mean agree with.) If I can’t explain to myself why a character is Like That, how the hell am I going to explain it to anyone else? How will I move them believably if I don’t know why they’re moving?

So this got me thinking about... why Kiryu is Like That.

One of the important things for me, whenever I have Kiryu in a scene, is that Kiryu is always in the Present. This is not true for many, many characters. Many people are reliving the past or hoping for the future. But in any given scene, even if Kiryu should be thinking about other things, what he responds to is the present, the here and now. That is first and foremost what motivates him. Whatever is happening right in front of him takes precedence. Both past events and future consequences mean very little to him compared to that.

This is drastically different, as I said, from characters like Majima, who is nearly always living in the past. A strange thing for me to say about a character as self-aware as him, but being self-aware and being in the Present are two different things. But I’m not here to talk about him today.

This is not to say that Kiryu is ignorant or foolhardy or callous. Kiryu does not deny the past its meaning or charge in blindly without an awareness of the consequences. He knows consequences will come, he simply accepts them faster than you might expect. And Kiryu is deeply affected by the past and does spend a great deal of time thinking about the past. But that’s not how his decisions get made. Many people are so afraid of or so hurt by the past, that all of their present decisions are predetermined by what has happened to them before. And that makes sense, we all learn from experience and react to it. It’s just a matter of which pieces of information any one of us is choosing to evaluate per decision. And rather than looking to past pain and past failures, or past successes, Kiryu gives deference to the most recent information. Part of the reason for this is that the only pattern Kiryu sees in the past is his failures. If everything he did before failed, why the hell would he do that again? And part of the reason is because the past is dead to Kiryu.

I said before some people live in the past. They play it out every day, trying to redeem themselves, hoping for a different ending. If they just do it right this time, things will be different, things will be better. Other people believe in do-overs. Kiryu doesn’t. Kiryu internalized when he was young that there are no do-overs. Sometimes you get one shot and you live with the consequences. That’s what Kiryu believes. When he entered the yakuza, that was the ethos instilled in him. If you make a call, you stand by it and you live with it, good, bad, or break even. Kiryu believes that, even to this day. And in his defense, many of the decisions he’s had to make were like that. Any time he made a bad call, the consequences were permanent. Any mistake he made, he could lose a friend, he could lose a war. And when he made that decision, he had to be ready for those consequences. That’s what he learned. So for him there are no do-overs. The past is dead. It’s not an active, dynamic thing that he could change, even if he wanted to. He can’t bring Nishiki back to life, he can’t save Tachibana, he can’t un-orphan Haruka. Those decisions are made and gone.

He’s not a fool and he won’t torture himself thinking about what he could have done differently. He accepts that these are the consequences. Sometimes you’re wrong and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it. In some ways, this helps Kiryu let go. It means he’s never trying to save someone who’s already dead. It means he doesn’t dwell in regret. This gives him the ability to move forward. If he couldn’t do this, he never would have gotten up from the end of Kiwami 1. But Nishiki’s dead and there’s nothing he can do about it. So he doesn’t try. That’s the downside. Kiryu never goes back. He never tries to make it better, even for himself. Because he doesn’t think there is a way. It’s too painful to even consider that. Who is there to forgive him? Who is there to let him try again? The dead don’t talk. Kiryu accepts that he cannot change the past. Instead he flees from it.

This is an opposite defensive maneuver from trying to relive the past, he’s trying to outrun it. If he never has to make those decisions again, then he can never fuck up like that again. It’s why he refuses to be chairman, it’s why he hates being in Kamurocho. It’s all a constant reminder of his mistakes and how much they cost. And Kiryu’s defensive strategy is sometimes overactive, deciding that he can’t fix situations that haven’t yet burnt to the ground. He always assumes people won’t forgive him, that they don’t want him to try. He always assumes his failure is enough to ruin all the relationships he has. Why would you forgive someone who ruined your life? Kiryu doesn’t know why you would and doesn’t think you should. He’s paranoid about failing the people he loves and he believes that if he has failed you, you rightfully don’t love him anymore and wouldn’t want to see him. He sees his mistakes too big to know how small they are to you. So he runs from good relationships because he thinks he’s already failed them, he thinks he’s already made too many mistakes and he doesn’t deserve that relationship anymore. Maybe he never did.

And the more faith people put in him the worse this is. People treat Kiryu like he’s a god, a savior. And every time it makes Kiryu’s heart sore. He’s not afraid of his own power; he’s actually fairly confident in his abilities and has a good grasp of their reach. But seeing how much people trust him... it makes every mistake cost more. Kiryu worries because he knows he is human. No matter what anyone else thinks, he’s still just a guy. He sees himself as just a guy, maybe better trained or more gifted than some, but just a normal, mortal, flawed human being like anyone else. He knows he makes mistakes. He knows he will make mistakes again. And what if he makes a mistake that affects you? What if he’s wrong and it fucks you over? And how betrayed your trust is, how your faith in him falters... then you’ll finally see he was never worthy of it to begin with. Then you’ll feel deceived because he couldn’t live up to your expectations.

Kiryu doesn’t want to hurt you like that, hurt anyone like that. He takes the expectations on him very seriously. He knows you’re only asking because you do need help. He knows you’re very sincere. And he badly wants to do right by you. But if he... if he fucks up, that doesn’t hurt him, it hurts you. And sometimes he can’t bear that. He can’t bear failing people, being responsible for their disappointment and hurt and ruined situation.

It’s not that Kiryu wants to be reassured that he’s doing okay. People who want reassurance want to do the job they have. Kiryu hates this job. He hates being in the position to save or damn people. He hates the potential of getting it wrong and it mattering so much. And he would rather not help than risk it sometimes. His heart aches every time he’s asked again because that means... there’s no one else. It means he’s still the best you’ve got. And you deserve better, you deserve more than what he is. He’s just some guy and he’s not sure he can be what you need. He doesn’t trust himself to do it right. He wants you to have someone who WILL be there every time, who CAN weather it all. He doesn’t think he can.

He will still help, because there’s no one else, because he does understand that if he doesn’t worse things will happen. And he’ll become responsible by not having stepped in. But this is why he’s inconsistent, he doesn’t think he can do more, he doesn’t trust himself. And he gets scared of how much people believe in him.

He really doesn’t think that people could still love him, knowing he’s just some guy. He’s scared that if he isn’t perfect, like he’s supposed to be, like everyone wants him to be... everyone will feel betrayed. So he runs away to Okinawa to do something entirely different. But even then he’s scared of fucking up. He’s taken on all these young lives who depend on him and he’s waiting, he’s just waiting, to have someone tell him he’s a bad father, that he’s failed them, that he’s fucking up. And when that happens, he runs away again, so he won’t hurt them anymore. And because he doesn’t deserve to have relationships that bring him comfort and joy, he doesn’t deserve to feel useful and good, because he isn’t. He’s always been a failure.

Kiryu carries the pressure on him EXCEEDINGLY well. He almost never breaks down. But he has those break downs. He has anxiety. He worries about fucking up. His confidence curves towards stables, but when he hits a rocky point... he’s unmoored. He’s left without any reassurance that he does know what he’s doing, that he is doing okay, that he hasn’t failed every relationship he’s ever had. People still love him and forgive him and want to be with him. Want to help him try again.

I might even go so far to say that Kiryu has Imposter Syndrome. He has ex-gifted kid syndrome. Brought up with high expectations and high standards, more talented than his peers, launched into the stratosphere when he was still young, all of his personality moorings ripped away... He’s constantly just trying to be a good person, the best he knows how. And he takes it very, very hard when he falls short of what he was told all his life he could be. He doesn’t believe he ever achieved it.

I love Kiryu. I hope this helped show why.

#Kiryu Kazuma #Please hug him #Please tell him he's okay #He never gets a chance to tell anyone how he's suffering #And it breaks my heart looking at him some times #Yakuza

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wisteria-lodge · 4 years

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a burnt / exploded badger primary + badger secondary model

Hi! Ive been looking at this amazing sorting concept for a while now, but every time i try to sort myself i get stuck. I think im either a burnt snake primary that models lion or a burnt lion primary that models snake, but im unsure about which one.

All right, let’s see what you’ve got.

I was pretty involved in a student club and took up bartending duty, which i really liked because it was a place to have casual social interaction with people without going to the trouble of figuring out how to be friends (which i am Bad at since i can remember, ive like 3 friends and i try to talk to them monthly but more feels exhausting). But a side effect of being a bartender is that drunk people share their entire life story and trauma with you which i quite enjoy once in a while, its quite flattering if people trust you enough to talk to you about personal things and its interesting to learn more about how they work as a person.

So you’re telling me you have a Badger secondary, or at least a Badger secondary model. And three good friends who you check in with monthly doesn’t sound like such a bad set up? If that’s what you want/need, you’re good in my book. But there’s definitely some kind of angst surrounding “making friends” which seems like an outside influence. I’m keeping an eye on that as I read.

But if it happens a lot when you sleep way less than you should it quickly becomes exhausting.

Okay. Lack of self-care. Particularly of the “overworked” variety. That is something that Badger primaries usually really struggle with. You might want to take a look at Exploded Badger Primary, honestly.

I once had a breakdown over that i knew too many suffering people and that i couldnt help them all.

This is either the breakdown of a Badger primary, or a really really really Badger-flavored Lion. (and probably we’re still talking Badger).

I sometimes got angry at people who dumped all their trauma and fears on me but didn't once asked me about how I was feeling, or if they did and I answered with "bad" they quickly changed the subject.

Oh. Problems with boundaries. That’s one of the traits that Badger primaries and secondaries tend to share.

Not sure if that one is more about me having Bad Friends or me seeing friendship as a transactional thing

This makes me think that your Badger secondary might be a model

I know seeing friendship as transactional is a Bad Immoral thing and I'm trying not to see it as such.

It’s interesting that you frame this in such right/wrong, Lion-y language. But this idea “viewing friendships as being a means to an end is fundamentally immoral” - that’s much more of a Badger primary thing than a Lion primary thing.

but these friendships were imbalanced which did not feel fair to me.

If Lions value authenticity and Snakes value freedom, Badgers value fairness. (I’m still trying to figure out that *one* thing Birds value.)

Another thing is that i never cared much for family. I was raised with a "friends are temporary, family is forever" mindset, which I did not quite vibe with. I hung out with my sisters all the time, but I'm not sure if that was out of choice or out of necessity, if other people just didnt Get me the same way they did or if I thought so and therefore didnt try to make other friends.

You’ve got a slightly insular, very Snake primary family culture - but you yourself don’t seem to have a single Snake bone in your entire body.

It's probably me acting out against my parents way after puberty (where I did not act out, since I knew acting out was what the Wrong kind of people did and I was Better than that).

Here’s that moralistic language again. This instinct “to not act out” really does seem like it’s coming from you and not your parents. And I this idea of “the wrong kind of people” is really Badger. Badger primaries are so interested in community, which makes them especially likely to categorize like that.

after i moved out that I joined the student association, to show that friends did exist and being in large groups of non family people could be a good thing.

‘After I moved out I joined a large community, to show my Snake primary family that this is a legitimate way to exist.’ Badger.

In family gatherings, me and my sisters were always seen as "the kids" and people never treated us as full conversation partners. (Its getting better, but we've been Full Grown Adults for a while now and are all living by ourselves now, that should have happened way sooner). I never minded that much tho, I was fine by playing with my baby cousins and participating in the performative steps of small talk until visits were over.

I’m thinking that this badger secondary is definitely an unhealthy model.

Then there are my thoughts about the question "what would you do if you realized everything you thought and believed was wrong". A while ago, there was a huge argument in my friend group from the student association and it fell apart. At the same time, a situation happened in my family which caused me to not exactly break completely with them, since I am trying to fix it out of a sense of obligation, but it almost happened.

Oh my, a stressed out Badger. This is a situation that would hit a Badger primary really, really, really hard.

This started me believing that a large group of people which are yours, or a goal/cause you chose for yourself, is wrong because people will let you down and abandon you.

This is so Burnt Badger.

people will abandon you if your actions are wrong enough, or try to force you to change your decisions if they disagree with them enough

Just a guess, but I think you’ve been dealing with some Lion primaries. This is the kind of thing that a really intense Lion would do.

people will abandon you as soon as you are not longer useful to them, and dont want to play the desired role they expect you to anymore.

Oh no. We’ve got some more Exploded Badger right here. ‘My worth is my usefulness’

I only started to think about "who am I?" And "what do I want?" At university, where I made a few decisions (which I do not regret a bit) which made me sleep way less than I should which caused me to stop reflecting and thinking about myself, and then the Incident happened.

There’s an aspect of both the Badger primary and the Badger secondary which functions like a mirror. It’s so powerful, but if you’re not careful you can lose yourself. It sounds like you’re on the right track though, it really does.

after which I spent all my time and energy trying to Fix it, and now that I realize that I can't I am so far away from who I am as a person that the easiest way to exist is to shape myself in whatever form is desired.

That’s the Badger secondary (or the badger secondary model) talking. I’m a Badger secondary, and I modeled Badger primary for a long time. I’ve spent so much time trying to Fix It. But you can’t. You can’t fix other people. They have to fix themselves.

But I'm not sure if the code switching I do is who I am that has revealed itself by me having nothing left, or a coping mechanism I picked up to stop people from getting disappointed by me while figuring out who I really am.

That settles it. You definitely have a badger secondary model. And there’s something else is under there.

#sortinghatchats #badger primary #badger secondary #double badger #badger secondary model #burnt badger primary #exploded badger primary #sort me #wisteria sorts

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mousehole5000 · 3 years

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this is it... the final post.... 226 through THE END!!!!!

this shit with mu qing and the river of lava is SOOOO dramatic im loving it

oh my god theyre on a FUCKING bridge of course they are okay let’s go boys

“You’re right. We’re alike. You think me odd, I think you to be rather weird too.” - so what im getting from this is that xie lian and mu qing are the only characters in this book with working gaydar okay yup got it this checks out

god... the fact that xie lian is ready to be like “look mu qing we can just forget about the past it doesnt matter we dont have to be friends i know you dont like me but im not gonna let you die over it” and then mu qing is like “.... god i really do admire you huh”

“You...certainly...are rather amazing. You’re...also...a better person...than me. Long story short, I...very much wanted...to become your f-f-friend.” - going to think about this for the rest of all time im about to become utterly unintelligible im overcome with emotions

“And, at the end of the white silk band, Feng Xin was gripping Ruoye with one hand while the other was holding on to a steel-faced Mu Qing, and he shouted towards him.” - the fucking IMAGE of this im gonna cry this is everything i could have asked for im so happy also mu qing dangling there like “ welp. guess ill live“

“Feng Xin was almost burnt by that pillar of fire, and he shouted in outrage. “WHAT’S WITH THIS BAND OF DOG SHITS, ATTACKING PEOPLE WHILE THEY’RE DOWN, SO VILE! FUCK YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY!” Xie Lian responded, “IF THEIR ENTIRE FAMILIES ALL LOOK LIKE THAT, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK THEM??” - theyre so funny!!! and theyre best friends!!! theyre joking together now in the middle of all this i could cry theyre back!!!

“Using sticks as arrows, he held the bow with one hand and used his teeth to bite back the bowstring.” - no clue how practical this is but okay archer boy. hot

i actually have so many little quips between the three of them highlighted but we’d be here all night if i included them all. im literally so delighted by this omg worth the wait

“Each sabre strike slashed to the bone. It wasn’t like Xie Lian had never seen Hua Cheng use the sabre before in the past, but his style had always been easy and leisurely, nonchalant and casual. Rather than say he was handling a weapon, it was more like he was toying with a small knife. Yet those blade marks were filled with killing intent. It was easy to imagine just how skilled the one exchanging blows with him was, and how perilous this battle.” you have no idea how mad i was when i read this and thought we missed witnessing the fight between hc and jw omg

“Behind him, Feng Xin muttered, “Dear fucking god, may all the gods and buddhas grant their blessings, that better absolutely be Crimson Rain Sought Flower, otherwise he’s gonna go mad!” “Stop your rubbish,” Mu Qing berated. “We’re all the gods and buddhas ourselves and we can’t grant shit, just keep up with him! Look at the stumbling way he’s running, he’s gonna trip and fall to his bloody death before he even sees the man!” - okay i know i said no more quips but this is literally too funny i just wanted to read it again

“ However, for whatever reason, that vicious ghost, in its muddled state, took that large group of live mortals under its wing and fled for many days. In the end, they were still surrounded by millions of ghosts, trapped in a dead end, and it was going to be eaten along with those humans.” [...] “That vicious ghost almost made a move against those humans, but for some reason, in the end, it didn’t. It instead used one of its own eyes as the price to forge a blood weapon. That vicious ghost was already forcibly hanging on with its last breath; after digging out its eye it should’ve broken apart completely. Yet somehow something had shocked it, and it instead woke to its senses completely. “ - THIS IS AMAZING ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? IS THIS ALL WE GET ABOUT HIS GHOSTLY LORE?????? HUA CHENGGGGGGGG

“What a terrible offence, his old habit had come out, and he quickly apologized. “I’m sorry! You don’t have to listen to me!” Hua Cheng, however, only smiled happily. “Everything gege tells me is the best advice, so why wouldn’t I listen?” - this isnt the fucking time afjdkfjsdkl they really never stop

“So you can hold the illusion of a perfect Crown Prince of Wuyong to face and dismiss the Jun Wu now. Isn’t that your objective? Did you think I don’t know what you’re thinking?” “THAT’S NOT IT!” Guoshi cried. “Stop getting tied up in right and wrong, victories and defeat, I’VE NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAY BEFORE!” - jun wu only being able to see xie lian as his successor and believing that thats all anyone else sees too... okay

honestly this whole final showdown was a blast i cant put everything in but it was so much fun to read. the DRAMA the LAVA the SHOUTING t

“Hua Cheng had poured too much spiritual power into him. There really was too much, so much that it was completely outside the amount the cursed shackle could withstand.” - okay.... okay... the love you give will set you free... okay....

“With Jun Wu in his grip, he carried both their bodies and forcefully slammed into the incomparably-solid rock wall! He used all of his power in this smash, and in the rumbling and crashing of rocks, he also heard the sound of something breaking.” [...] “A moment later, Jun Wu suddenly asked, “That move. What is it called?” “...” Xie Lian raised his sleeve and wiped away the blood on the side of his face. “Shattering boulders on the chest.” YES!!!!! YES!!!!! xie lian actually lived that life!!!!!! i loved this detail so much

“After a moment of silence, Xie Lian took off the bamboo hat carried on his back, took it in his hand, and covered it over Jun Wu’s face.” - xie lian... good... another detail i love. a hat that protects from the rain, given in a moment of need, even to someone who has caused you hardship... we do not forget the kindness granted to us

“There was gratefulness, there was shame, there was heartache, there was wild joy, but above all else, there was incurable love.” - :pleading: i wish it was just that easy tbh. “i have to tell you about the worst parts of myself” “ive already seen them and i dont care i still love you“ truly the dream

“ It’s been so long since anyone listened to me talk, won’t you stay? Don’t...actually do this. I won’t be able to take it. Twice, it’s been twice already! I really don’t want there to be a third time!!!” - the bit about just wanting someone to listen to him talk... xie lian... :(

emily corpse bride moment.... i knew it had to happen.... butterflies.... death and rebirth.... inevitable

xianle trio bickering about ruoye..... mu qing complaining but not letting anyone else fix it... im so happy

“The Rain Master sat down on the spot, looking like she was going to perform a passing service for her. After all, Xuan Ji was the only one left of the Kingdom of Yushi besides herself.” - xuan ji you sure the hell were... a character. this little moment tho..... yushi huang... many thoughts

“ Who hasn’t made promises, or swore to the mountains and the seas when they were young? Talking of affection, of love, of forevers. But, the longer I hang around in the world, the more I understand, something like ‘forever’ is impossible. It’s never going to be possible. Having it once was already good enough. No one can truly achieve it. I don’t believe in it anymore.” - jian lan im happy for you bummer it didnt work out with feng xin but yeah that was looooong ago. also this quote me same mood kin but its chill. having it once was already good enough

although yeah tbh if theres anyone who can have a forever like that... it would be a ghost and a god

fasdfjadklfj GOD... pour one out for ling wen.. but is that not the truth of this world? the one can be pardoned for being good at paperwork that no one else wants to do? isnt that the plot of the shawshank redemption?

okay but the fact that all xie lian’s friends come to visit him while he waits for hua cheng is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.... fengqing coming together to try to get him out of the house but get scared off by his cooking... amazing

“Last time, they spent eight hundred years running towards each other. This time, it only took an instant to fall into each other’s embrace.” - im completely unaffected by this. im not lying i swear (i am lying im very emotionally affected)

okay i love this final wrap up chapter party its so fun. mu qing moving on from the broom thing!!! good for him!! the beggars get their reward!!! the fun ghost city chefs!! SQX!!!! and he xuan is?? here too??? he’s hungry??? fjadlkfjsdl

“The grounds that Feng Xin and Mu Qing had just swept were once again filthy from that giant crowd of muddy feet. Mu Qing gripped his broom, looking like he felt someone had infected him with fleas, and his eyes were wide.” - me when my dad comes into the kitchen when ive just finished washing dishes i get it king

the little folklore bit... fun!!! oh my god its over..... :(

that was really fun i had a blast reading it and on the whole really liked it i WISH soo badly that hua cheng had gotten more outside of being cunty and devoted even tho those are both important i just wish there was more about like how he got by during those 800 years and like did he ever have doubts? what shaped his worldview was it all xie lian or was it his experience as a mortal as well? why is he so mean to e’ming? theres bits and pieces here and there and i know it was already SO long but that really would have been great if there was more about hc cuz tbh by the end, at least for me, the hualian relationship didnt actually feel as fleshed out as the xianle trio relationship like i still liked hualian’s dynamic and it was really sweet how much they clearly really liked each other and everything but i kind of wish some of the other subplots had been dropped or diminished in favor of more hc development i think that would have been cool

but anyway thats some of my thoughts and i really did enjoy the hell out of book 5 that was a riot and uhhh thanks to everyone who read these or commented *lends you spiritual energy through a high five*

#tgcf liveblog #it is Complete i can move on now #i actually have a lot more thoughts about hl because i uhhhh relate. to things. and have opinions due to my experiences #but its also quite Personal soooo i might just keep them tucked away #anyway im freeeeeee #mouse mumbles

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yes-kassiopeia · 4 years

Text

CALM lashton lyrics analysis

Here we go form C A L M lyrics analysis from a lashton point of view. Aka another long as fuck post.

Few consideration first. I am really happy that all of the song are not love songs! That was a bit of a down point for me about YB and I’m really happy to see other theme in this album! Also, I think we can all agree that it’s an happier album than YB, and that’s good! I’m happy the boys feel in better place.

Songs I won’t talk about too much about

There are very good songs that I don’t have much say about from a lashton perspective so I’ll just quickly pass them.

Red desert. Great song, I love it, but not lashton song. It’s about going back to your roots, dive inside of yourself to find the core, the passion, and light it up. Like a phoenix rising from ashes. Let it rise in you and guide you further. Great message.

No shame. This one is a social and self critique of the way we seek for attention and fame. Very nice, but not a lashton song neither.

Old me. A reflection on your past, owning your mistake and you strength as well. Learning lessons from the pass and find pride in your achievements. It is technically a lashton song. And I think it’s very cute that they wrote it together, but it doesn’t say much about their relationship.

Wildflower. Such a bop! It’s the “valentine” of CALM, even surpasses it in my opinion. Feelgood, sexy, groovy, and all, but definitely not a lashton song.

These were the happy song. All of the other song include darker, sadder feelings. And there are several ways to read them and I don’t predent to have the right way by any mean. But if you believe that Lierra is the perfect happy couple (”my parents” “goals” etc.) ... You’re probably closing your eyes on one or two things...

Easier

As much as I looks like lyrics 5sos could have written, none of them are credited... And I had to double check that, because I though Luke has said multiple time that they, or at least, himself was involve in the writing of Easier. And I could definitely see that. But apparently not?

This is the first song on the album which talks about dysfunctional / toxic relationship. It describes a position where you’re stuck: you’re not gonna change, they’re not gonna change, and it's not working out. You're hurting each other although it seem you want the same thing. You still love them, but is still worth staying. (And according to me the implied answer on the lyrics is yes)

Teeth

Teeth is Another song about dysfunctional toxic relationship! (insert party emoji). And this time it is written by lashton too. So what does it says. Push and pull, mood swings, lies, fake apologies. Loving someone who's always changing their face or their personality, don't know what they want from you, but they're not letting you go. But you love them, and you let them, still find their good side sweet and pretty. Small part of you still hoping you can built something, have future.

Alright... Let’s keep that in mind and adding to more songs

Not in the Same Way + Thin White Lies

Those two are very similar to me in their lyrical content.

About Not in the same way, I’m gonna take a wild guess and you don’t have to agree. But I feel like the verses, which are very short, were written separately from the rest. (the bridge is longer than the two verses together). The verses begin with the same line “Not today” meaning, “I don't want to fight with you again”. You point out my mistake, you cry, you scream at me. You're always anxious and I'm already sad, I don’t need this. (I want to escape)

Otherwise, the rest of the song is very repetitive and have this spinning sensation (I’m not sure, cause i’m a noob in music but I think it is 3/4? like lie to me, the bass rhythm all along as this three time valse-like ‘ta-da-da’ going on). To me this translate the lost balance, lost of reality. Making the same mistake again and again, even if you know it, even if it hurts you.

Thin White Lies goes along the same veins: I'm sad, I don't know how to handle the questions or my own reflection. The night comes and I make the same mistake, endlessly. In the morning words break my heart, and I leave. But I'll always come back for one more taste of you. And hate myself for that.

BUT! In Thin Whites Lies there's the only time in the whole album where there’s a ‘she’ pronoun. A she that is different from the you everywhere else in the song. So that mean there are three people involved. There's someone else. “She said she loves me, doesn't show it.” I don’t feel you love, she doesn’t show her love neither. I’m in the middle, loosing my mind, don't know I am anymore. I am holding on thin white lies.

Okay so my conclusion, my interpretation, is that it’s Luke describing how he’ll always come back to Ashton, even if he breaks his heart, even if their both in relationship, even if he know it’s not gonna do any good. But he just can’t resist. And on the other hand it is screwing up majorly his relationship with Sierra (NITSM verses + “She”) whatever you think that might be (Friends, PR, couple, mixed, etc.)

Best Years + Lover of mine

Before any Lierra stan starts to gushing over Best Years, let me remind you the first verse. “I wasted so much time on people that reminded me of you”. This means 1) being together 2) break up or cheat 3) trying to get redemption. So that’s not the ideal relationship they sell. AND, this proves this is about long relationship. Like very long, years obviously. And I personally don’t think Lierra has this kind of story... Lashton does tho. But you’re entirely free to disagree of course.

Here’s my interpretation "We had a burning passion, that burnt us. I made mistakes. I have been with other people but I still about think you. Now that we're older and wiser, we can build something out of the mess and broken piece, a future together, the best years of our lives."

Luke said about it : “The song is a beautiful love note, something I felt I needed to get off my chest.” And yes it is a promise, but I am the only one who feels like it’s also a request ? like : “don’t you see what we could be? Don’t you want us to grow together?” and that’s it’s not directed at Sierra. But hey, what do I know?

Lover of mine. Completely unproved, but I feel like the verses and pre-chorus where is written by Lierra. And it’s about accepting your partner mistakes, past and flows, and embarrassing all of them. And the chorus is Ashton's addition and response to best years. It has the same theme of redemption and promises.

“I'll never give you away 'Cause I already made that mistake. If my name never fell off your lips again I know it'd be such a shame. When I take a look at my life and all of my crimes you're the only thing that I think I got right.” and this last sentence especially sounds a lot like Ashton to me. But that’s subjective I guess.

Also I feel like Ashton would the sassy guy to place his love confession in the couple song, just to screw it up x)”

Lonely heart

Lonely heart has an interesting point of view, as I feel like it is place on the side who’s holding back someone, while the other song are viewed from the one feeling held back. “We've been together, I know I hurt you. But if you go, I'll be lonely, you'll be lonely. So please can we have a second chance?” So I’d say it’d be Ashton answer to the other song (also I feel like he wrote some stuff from his heart in not in the same way too)

There a lot of theme that have already been exploited in the previous song so i’m not gonna go over them again. It doesn’t really bring much new content. Correct me if I am wrong.

High

High is about being selfsish... in a good way? Trying to put yourself first when you still think so much of the one who hurt you. There this implied thing with the line “ my heart is built to last more than a night” that really ties with all the love in dark/ love at night / same mistake every time, we fuck/we fight, etc. that goes on from the all album. There’s another line that I want to point out: “I know I'll never meet your expectations.” which very sadly sound to me like: I’ll never the girls you can hold hand with publicly. And I might be reading way to much, but that just imposed itself to me. And it’s followed by “the picture that you paint of me looks better in your mind” which, once again, sound very much like something Luke could say about Ashton.

I know this song my seem like their relationship is dead, and Luke’s trying to move on, but it’s not because it’s the last on the album that it’s the last in the chronological order of the real life even. I would personally place this as an really 2018 song.

So yeah Lashton fucks! But they still don’t know how to handle it... And Sierra in the picture frame now. Woohoo.

Leave you own comments and thoughts. I’d love to hear that :)

And If you read till there, congrats, you’re a real one.

Lots of love <3

#lashton #lashton song #lashton songs #CALM #5sosCALM #5sos4 #5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos lyrics #Lyrics #lyrics analysis #lashton analysis #lashton theory #luke hemmings #luke 5sos #ashton irwin #ashton5sos

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areallyshittywriter · 3 years

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Death Certificate

It was bright and cold. The sky wavered a dark mystic blue, with children of grinning stars shining brightly in its darkness. The wind was carrying newborn snow to the parents below, but never once ever howling in complaint. It had not a hint of human impurity, not even a breath in the sky. It was simply heavenly.

This only lasted of course, until a scruffy, thin, senile man scorched the soundless peace, with his ragged breaths and limping strides. Every wisp of his grumpy mumbling, creating a vivid cut in the air. Every inconsistent grunt felt like a lobotomy with a sharp ended stick. And every sight I took of him being a waste of a memory and a waste of time. He took his time, dragging himself from the misty abyss of the forest.

I could feel the length of my finger begin to tap mercilessly against the dark crusted parasol. Silver rusted flakes were cracking and falling against the snow, bringing another wave of heat to reverberate along my crooked bones.

“Would you please hurry up? It takes time for nature to clean up the contamination you’re polluting,” an evident coldness, leaked from my lips.

It took the goat a further 357 seconds before he finally reached a metre apart from me. Even then, I still took a step back from him; “How strange it is, that your filthy race has managed to charge straight through nature’s innocence, and still it took you 23 minutes to climb a measly slanted hill.”

Only a gruff was his response. His gaze never reached my own; the only pleasing thing about this occasion.

“To think this would be added to an eternal list of failures, Eric Blair. Or would you prefer I call you George Orwell?” Malice and stillness were left in my words.

The man froze silent. Even his deeds and actions cannot be concealed to my omniscient species. It is vital to know everything when coming to a conclusive judgement. Actions will reveal intent. Intent creates judgement. Simple.

“Tell me, George; why did you keep your books to yourself for all these years? Surely, someone would’ve read them?”

He took a deep breath and sighed, wiping the icy sweat from his rotting hands.

His croak, weak against the wind, “they would never be goin’ anywhere. The books. They were only an out, from this godforsaken world.”

How, ironic.

“Hmm, well let’s continue this discussion. The snow can only fall for so long before it touches the ground.” I began reading,

Death Certificate

Eric Arthur Blair

Date: June 8th1984

This is to certify that the records in my office show that Mr Blair,

Died at 7:30am on 8th Day of June 1984

That day was the official declaration of Stalin’s kingship over the world. No government had managed to prevent his dictatorship, nor any future ones. With the books kindled in fire, no one will ever achieve the ability of intellect, to fight his ruling. I could feel the second wave of heat roll over me as my tapping commenced again.

“That was a Friday. It seems you couldn’t even make it to the weekend.” There was no cover of the harshness in my voice. And still, the geezer ignored my comments and continued his sadistic stroll. I continued;

Gender: Male

Age: 47

Cause of Death:

“Oh that'll be interesting”

Injuries. This includes the carving and removal of the corpus unguis, cutting needles puncturing the retina and internal ear area and repeated fisted blows to the frontal lobe. Ultimately, created breakage in the cranium, acute deafness and blindness in the left eye, thus resulting in death.

There wasn’t an ounce of surprise within his eyes, let alone soul. How disappointing. Fortunately, though, I am aware of everything that occurred after the death. And I must say, it was absolutely barbarous; lucky me.

“My oh my, it seems we’ve forgotten a few very crucial and interesting details, my dear Eric.”

The decaying goof discarded my comment and continued his striding destruction of baby snow. Even so, I’ve learnt how to pull the shakiness and tears from any pathetic human soul, so I continued my unsparing talk;

“The certificate has seemingly never stated what happened after your death! What a shame, since you never got to find out. Well, I guess I could always do a small favour and simply just add it in, can’t I?”

After death, the corpse was then taken to a guillotine to have the head sliced from the lower body.

“Well, it stills seems quite connected to me”

The corpse was then dowsed in octane and was set ablaze with phosphorous sulphide.

The corpse was burnt to a point of unrecognition along with a wide collection of books.

Finally, I got him.

His treachery upon the land had seized, along with his mumbles and grunts. His burnt brown eyes were glazed in a fear so indescribably amazing, that I couldn’t help myself but grin.

There is a rule amongst my kind that we could never take pleasure in the sufferings of tyrannical beasts. However, knowing how fully capable this monster had in completely altering reality, just with a single stroke of a pen, was collapsing in the chains of fear. Well, I couldn’t help the laughter that overtook me. Especially when his lifeless grasp went to touch the very place his own kind, own friends tried to cut from him.

Although, he simply closed his eyes, took a deep breath and continued walking. As if it didn’t matter to him. Disturbing. Even after death, he can continue to accept his pitiful existence. Monotonous, I finished the last disastrous parts of the certificate.

Occupation(s):

Author, Novelist, Current Affairs Writer, Bookseller, Screenwriter, Literary Critic, Poet, Essayist

Marital Status:

Married to Eileen O’Shaughnessy

Witness:

Joseph Stalin, Nadezhda Alliluyeva, Kato Svanidze, Winston Smith, Emmanuel Goldstein, Keke Geladze,….

“…basically, the entirety of Russia”.

It was here where I finally halted. The certificate was finished, and his final moments were known to him. That is the job I own; to bring the knowledge of the final moments of the deceased to light, and to make a judgement.

Eric Blair is a special exception, however. There’s a peculiar complication of his intentions about his books. Although, a verbal recognition intent has never concerned me. Actions will always reveal intent.

Eric had turned quietly to meet my gaze.

His voice was cutting and yet somewhat like a cold croak, “I guess this is the end then”

Well, to a usual one of my species, he would be right. However, “No, it isn’t”.

His eyes were sinking heavy and an abyss of mist swirled amongst the forest. My final torment would have to be quick.

“Mr Blair I’m afraid I have never informed you of what my species is”

Callous, he spoke, “I already know. Your somethin’ like death, or like a Grim Reaper”

“Yes, I guess in a sense. Except my species can do something yours still tries to grasp an understanding of. You see we reap the lives of not just your people, but people in other timelines as well.”

The mist began to crawl and cling to edges of brown-skinned boots. Grasping and rising like the dead gripping to their mortality. Time was dwindling.

“I hope you understand well when I say that there is a reality where you actually published your books. And those very same books could’ve prevented the creation of your timeline.”

A living and breathing boil was breaking from its cavity within me. Glazing my cool bones in shakiness and heat, blistering an irritation that rivalled natures quakes. The gruelling fog began its pace, growing and falling in rhythmic tides, encircling its victim within. However, that never pulled away the attention of the monster from me. His eyes were locked and wet, awaiting his sentence.

“To put it simply,…”

Finally.

“You are the reason that civilisation crumbled. You kept your revolutionary words tucked away, like children. And just like that, you had allowed Stalin to rule a world, that’s unrulable. You caused the destruction of your timeline…”

The white cool mist began to mature into a black swirl of darkness, gradually picking up speed as enclosed the monster into a tight ring. His mudded wet eyes wandered in circles, as he inevitably realised his end was soon. Even so, the beastly Blair had grasped every drop of my bloodless confrontations;

“..All because you were simply too weak, too afraid to have any remote strength. You clung lonely to your books. You hid them from the world. You took knowledge from what could’ve saved the very few innocent people living. You are what all the demons in hell revere.”

The mist was cold and dark, raging like a wildfire around the decaying skin of Blair. Shapes of burnt cracked skinned hands clung to his arms and dragged him into the pulsating heart of darkness. Dragging him into the cold clutches of demons and villains below, where nature will never come to free him from the depths of his sins.

“And that is my judgement”.

So you’ve read my horrible writing. Congrats. It’s only going to get shitter from here. Please give some feedback tho

#1984 #george orwell #alternative reality #writing #shit #school is going to be the death of me #shitty hashtag

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misslisterkeepsajournal · 4 years

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1826 Sunday 28 May

7 20/60

12 40/60

No kiss last night or this morning

Got out of bed soon after awaking for fear of being bilious again, but sat by M-’s [Mariana’s] bedside talking till about 9 when the letter came 3 pages the ends, and under the seal, and 1/2 the 2nd page crossed (written small and pretty close as formerly) from Mrs Barlow, Paris - She is better has begged off going to Guernsey for change of air, and is going for this purpose to Anteil close to Paris for a little while (for a week) - Dr Tupper hopes this illness will have been a favourable crisis to her, and that she will be better now than she has been for years -

She writes as if she loved me as well as ever read her letter aloud to Pi [Mariana] all but a line or two where she regrets her want of pride in letting me see the state of her mind so plainly and altered some of the rest as I went along - she is expecting Mr Bell and adds ‘oh Anne pity me’ - she takes no notice of seeing me or not but evidently will not be out of Paris and I must go to her ‘I think my letters had better be burnt and destroyed there are some only fit for your eyes of other day’......’comfort welfare and happiness are words no more to be applied to me lavish them on those they suit much better but I complain not and want no reason for the decision which you have pronounced the influence which has swayed you can easily be traced to the Buxton visit where you were so lost in high admiration that I rave when I tread on this ground I wish I could blot out as I write may you be happy however I feel much obliged for the share you can still spare me of interest and friendship nothing can be kinder than all you express but what is the end of it all what is our acquaintance reduced to a limited paper effusion question or answer but excuse me forgive me a poor creature whose best affections have been sacrificed whose best feelings have been wasted I thought I had too much pride to pen so much but I either write too much or too little and that you have once pronounced I would not even wish to reverse’....she concludes with dated Tuesday twenty third ‘the strife within me is great I have much to struggle with and no doubt indifference and forgetfulness would be my best portion could it be attained you have said it would be your ‘bon heur’ to make your dearly beloved favorite may all your intentions be fulfilled and it will be some consolation to me to know that your happiness is thus really effected and will assist my own resignation tho I shall forever hat and detest myself for my weakness and credulity I am in a wretched mood and will leave off writing.......I reckon the days for answers to my letters I pace up and down the stairs for the arrival of the postman and I spend many hours and days lost in idle expectation I am vexed that I have exposed any of my feelings but I hope when my nerves are stronger I shall have acquired better ones I was ver very far from wishing to pen so much but this letter must go I have not strength to write another Doctor Tupper finds me much better get your mind amuse and you will be quite well he adds how can this be I am ever your very sincere friend CMB [Maria Barlow]’

This letter goes to my heart it made Pi [Mariana] very low she would do anything in the world for poor Mrs Barlow anything give me up if I wished tho it would soon break her heart it is indeed a bad business oh that the tyranny could pass by but I turned to Pi [Mariana] and said I would not give her up for all the world nothing should induce me to do this

Madame Droz has never been near Mrs Barlow during her ‘ill state of health’, but once she left her card at her door at 11 night ‘only for you would I have called, when I did, the beginning of much, to ask her the questions I did, and which I put to her separately - therefore you owe her no obligation for she could not avoid answering them - when I did call she offered me a little wine to enable me to get home, which I refused - she said I looked very ill - wrote the same to Mrs [Mid?] and yet never came near me - I am told she continued to speak with great regard for me, but the real fact is, they are a selfish couple, and I could do nothing for them, and was a whole bridge and 5 pair of stairs out of their way - Vide this good comment on French amitié - Mrs [Mid?] has taken an apartment on the Boulevard des Italiens ‘she recommended Pau as a delightful residence....would be happy to give you a letter of introduction to a charming English family’ - Mrs Barlow has formed (at Madame Galvanis) an acquaintance with a Colonel St Aubaire aetatis 77, who goes to drink tea with them twice a week -....’he is a great traveller, speaks several languages, and is remarkably well informed’ thinks ‘the air of Montpelier and Nice, from being too near the sea, ‘trop vif’ - he said he had lived a year at Tarbe, which town and the country around, he thought delightful - it is very near Bagnères, and 126 miles to the South of Bordeaux about - He remembers, Buonaparte admiring it much - Colonel St Aubaire also recommended Nismes - he said there was but one objection, the bigotry of the catholics - there are a great many protestants....but being a 2nd Rome almost in regard to its remaining ruins, I thought their mind might be ammused with these as well as the resource of a good library and establishments which a town like that must have - Her servant is lame at present and a thoroughly nouseless sort of woman - Jane quite well -

Letter also (3 pages and 2 or 3 lines) from Miss Pickford (11 Gloucester row Clifton near Bristol) - an indifferent account of herself - has heard we are, and supposes us in Bath, but not knowing where to find us, directs here - very kindly interested about us - has made many inquiries likely to be useful to us - has some thought of going abroad herself - wishes she may be able to accomplish it - ‘I have turned to good book authority and to well travelled people for information as to good winter quarters for the rheumatic and the literary, the result is Pisa - Geneva often too cold, sometimes delightful in the winter, good society of various sorts - Nice you heard of - rather vapourish air at times and not first rate in society - Naples more uncertain in all ways than Pisa, Florence often coldish, Turin rather too near the Alps etc etc etc’ was in train for good introductions for us but heard we were in Bath -

M- [Mariana] down to breakfast at 10, I at 10 3/4 - still so bilious, had cold roast beef and cold water for breakfast, and no bread and butter or milk - M- [Mariana] and I read aloud to my aunt and Mrs Veitch the morning service - we went out at 2 1/2 - sauntered up and down the terrace across the sown holme, there sat in the walk, and came in at 5 10/60 - tired and languid - lay down on 2 chairs in the little breakfast room for 20 minutes M- [Mariana] sitting by me - then went to dress. Dinner at 6 1/4 - Miss Walker of Cliffhill called before it was quite over and staid till 7 3/4 - then returned to the dining room and had our wine - tea and coffee at 8 1/2 - M- [Mariana] and I sat up downstairs talking over this thing and that - MacDonald’s coming - my going to York etc etc. Went up to bed at 10 3/4 at which hour Barometer 1/2 degree above changeable Fahrenheit 56˚. Fine day - O.. -

[Margin note] Madame Carbonier sends kind messages to me - hopes to see me in Switzerland -

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0104 - SH:7/ML/E/9/0105

#anne lister #anne lister code breaker #gentleman jack #1826 #mariana lawton #maria barlow #francis pickford

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o-daintyduck · 5 years

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AWAE 3.08 Reaction feat. MY FREAKOUT

The synopsis is giving me hope kinda.. We’ll see Ka'kwet but she’ll still be at the school so more weeping, Aunt Jo visits and brings a devious scheme,.. is it about Diana?? Will she or won’t she have to go to Paris? But why is it devious? And what about shirbert?????

Here we go.

Bruh Anne looks gorgeous in this still photo. All that fire just accentuates her looks!!!

Like an animal??? I’m angry already.

Mr. Avery is back!!! They’ve certainly hatched a plan of some sorts… But I guess it won’t be successful *sighs*

I knew she was in the barrel… Lol everyone knew that.. prolly.

How long will she hold her breath.. and will that poor boy hold the nun without giving anything away.. she’s going to hit him, isn’t she? WTF

Omg Mr. Avery is a beacon of light in this scene… he’s so pure.

Oh my Gods!! Did the plan actually work? She’s holding on it…

Anne is so happy!! Is she lying to Marilla tho? Lol

Wait did they make up??? Moira won’t let me de clown in the Dianne fight too!! Insufferable… But I’m so happy at the same time.. Wait is Anne imagining this?

Well I figured it out before “Diana” ran away, cut me some slack guys… Normally I’m not this stupid..

Fuuuckkkkkk the SCHOOLHOUSE BURNT TO A CRISP…. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY…

Gilbert sure loves to think out loud,“ the printing press can’t just up and walk away by itself!!”

Yep the fault of small minds…

Man I really miss the schoolhouse… I’m weeping already..5 minutes in..

Miss Stacy is so hurt… the memories i can’t...

Rachel’s gonna throw a fit too!!! Rachel had memories in the school too.. I can’t -

Yass things will not be the same… I said it once and say it again.. Rachel will go rogue by the serie ends… And I’m living for it!!!

I still can’t believe Ka'kwet actually fled that place… So proud of her!!! And anxious too rn.

Ahhhh Bash’s mom is here!!!!!!!!!!!! I already love her… Finally some of that mother’s love for Bash that he missed and Gilbert too!!!!

It’s a diff actress maybe but don’t care … It’s Bash’s mom y'all!!!!!

Yass someone to keep Bash in check too.. love it!! *chef’s kiss*

Lol Anne and Gilbert talking sooo loud!!! And nobody seems to care… Lol

Okay petition for a new gc name– “Can I borrow your pen?”

Okay so the shirbert scene just ended like for the 5th time… And I was gaping all along… Wtf

I really need to meet that kid of Rachel’s… Such chaotic energy to have burned down the shed multiple times.

Was this how Marilla and Rachel behaved when they lived together in the books??? I know the discussion is serious but so precious at the same time.

Lol Bash’s mom definitely is going through a “cultural shock” atm I CAN’T. Two white women cleaning his house while he was away *no offense* but so so hilarious…

Bash’s face says it all..

This first meeting of Grand mamma- Delli is too much for me too handle… Gonna go hug my Nana..

Wait Hazel is fine!! Mom still thinks that she was only summoned for childcare… Welp

Ruby couldn’t speak in front of Gil b4 if her life depended on it.. but oh look now with the crush gone- she’s a new person!!! And the things she saying have me jumping up the roof!!!!

Well ruby I trusted you too much, didn’t I? Aren’t Anne and Gilbert enough on there for bringing up Winnie and now you too!

Gilbert peeked at Anne, I mean how can a boy be so stupid.. no I’m not saying ooc calm your spears,people. my heart is breaking for Anne I can hear it almost.

Diana is going to fight with Jerry too, isn’t she?

LEAVE JERRY ALONE!! he deserves to be happy!!! Not hating on Diana… But he deserves better ..better than this.

My fav gal Aunt Jo!!! Diana wrote to Cole, maybe..and he told her.

Lol its not even been 15 minutes and I’ve written an essay already!!!

I’m confusion.. why does Diana have no choice??

Bash’s Mom lived all her life like this.. it will take her some time to break free from that. But until then, welp

Bash teasing Gilbert is out of this world!!!! And have you heard that Delphine is cho cho cute.. i cringed myself typing this.

I swear Anne is me!!! Had to take a test just today!!! And I was cramming until the last moment.. Matthew and Marilla are so proud.. and jittery too

WHERE IS KA'KWET????

Diana looks like she’s holding back a flood of tears even while eating.. ohhhh she gonna take the test!!!!!!! YAYYY

Aunt Jo’s happiness and pride knows no bound (mine too)

Moody dude, in the words of the ever so great Taylor Swift, you need to calm down.. Diana hasn’t studied nothing think of her..

Where is Gilbert ?? The gc needs to renamed to may I borrow your pen… To commemorate another one of Gilbert’s shenanigans. Ehh called it ! He didn’t take the test..

I’m all for bromance bw Miss Stacy and Bash but nothing more than that please….

This is the 4th (and presumably last) appearance of Winifred… I want her to remain involved, shes too cool, but just can’t figure her out even now…

Here it is!!! An advantageous marriage.. very few people could have called it b4 the season.. but it is canon.. I’m not worried about shirbert.. but just how far Gilbert is willing to go for his ambitions.

Okay the kids are wasted!!

A drunk Anne and somewhat sober Gilbert, the perfect combo!!!!!! I have read atleast 5 fics head canoning this…*another chef’s kiss for the fic writers*

Okay nobody imagined this …I take that back… That look Gilbert is giving her made my stomach to leap a mile…

What’s holding you back? Ahh the question of the ages… I’m gushing at this so much,like this is serious but the first person Gil wanted to ask was Anne about all of this.. and she’s so drunk but at the same time utterly heartbroken, still encourages him to do it…. Slow burn madafuka.

Okay the PROPOSAL just happened !!!

And I’m freaking out just every bit as Anne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m really not okay and they had to show Ka'kwet feeding off of berries… The poor girl *cries yet again*

They are searching the letters, aren’t they???

No, the dictionary and a wedding ring… And here I go weeping again…

I really went outside to scream at the sky a second ago… But need to scream again!!!! I’ll not be okay this week or this year at all.

Anne needs her bosom friend now… She’s just been PROPOSED!!!!!!! I know it’s gonna go haywire any second now but please let me live this for now… I can’t even imagine this is happening..

Aunt Jo with the best advice… Just hope Anne takes it as we want her to..

Bash has his mother with him.. i’m just happy for him.

He’s gonna propose Anne and I too need to get up for this again…. BASH IS THE WHOLE FANDOM RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

And that’s how you shatter a million hearts!!! “Now I can be happy with Winnie”.. I’m still happy that they didn’t stretch this till the finale atleast.. the heartache would have been unbearable.

Marilla is onto something. Now Rachel has full reign over these old hacks.

Go Rachel Go go Go Rachel!!! They just got vetoed!!! And I love it… Other 2 women will have to be Muriel and Marilla..

SHE’S HOME AT LAST!!!!!

And in her mother’s arms!! Is it too late to give those nuns and that whole school HELL

Poor Minnie May and Diana.. atleast she’ll understand now that she always has a choice to be herself no matter what anybody says…

I love that They’ve made up!!! They are made for each other… #DianneForever

“I’m in love with Gilbert Blythe!”

Aren’t we all? Anne.

It took me 3 hours to watch this episode because i was freaking out so much, tell me if this was comprehensible at all if you came this far…

This episode was different for so many reasons but the proposal...oh the proposal... excuse me gotta scream again..

And “Anne rejected” him... i guess Moira couldn’t stray far from og on this one.

#anne with an e #shirbert #anne shirley cuthbert #gilbert blythe

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ladyalice101 · 5 years

Text

someone still loves you

so firstly what the fuck. whhat thE fuuCk.

secondly I'm dying

thirdly please have this drivel

fourthly d&d can suck my cock

and FIFTHLY their endings were ambiguous enough that i will always believe that some version of this happened

and finally, if you have some fic requests following this shit pls sent me an ask! i’m more than happy to fulfil our dreams (and what should have been)

(ps even tho they killed pol!jon and i tried to keep this canon compliant i ... couldn’t help myself lmao)

read on ao3

There are two things that Sansa remembers most about the Wall and Castle Black.

She remembers Jon. She remembers exactly how it had felt when he’d embraced her when she’d first arrived, she remembers sitting by the fire and eating soup and drinking ale with him, she remembers lying in his bed while he sat by the fire or stood watch, and she remembers feeling the safest and most loved that she had since she’d first left Winterfell. She remembers Jon.

The other thing she remembers is the view from the top of the Wall. The True North, Jon had called it, when he’d taken her up there on her second day at Castle Black. She remembers thinking it was beautiful. The jagged mountains, the sparkling snow. She remembers thinking it would be peaceful, up there, free of expectations and politics.

When she looks over it now, as Queen in the North, there is no less beauty, but there is more pain.

Her heart aches.

It aches, and aches, and aches, and even though she knows she might be seeing him soon, she so desperately wishes that this weren’t the way that it had turned out.

Sansa doesn’t have to wait long. Before long, she spots riders coming from the trees. There’s a group of them, though from this high up she can’t make out how many.

She turns to her guard, Allister. He is young, but he had served the Lady Mormont faithfully until her death, and when he’d asked to stay in Winterfell by his Queen’s side, Sansa had accepted.

She misses Brienne, frightfully so, but Sansa misses everybody.

“Take me down.”

Allister leads her to the elevator, and they descend quietly.

“How long has it been since you saw him?” Allister asks.

Sansa had been irritated with his impertinence, at first, at his soft questions and his thoughtful opinions, but over time she has grown to cherish it. She has so little left to her now.

“Years.”

“And if he’s not here?”

Sansa can’t reply.

Allister doesn’t say anything more. He’s known, more than most, how much she’s struggled since the Wars. Oh, she’d become Queen to an independent North, continuing on the tradition that her beloved Robb had set, and she is proud to serve her people.

But she longs for something more.

When the elevator creaks to a stop, the men at the bottom bow gracefully to her. They’re her own men. No matter that the King and his Hand had reinstated the Night’s Watch, it doesn’t exist, not truly. Castle Black is abandoned. Any man still in the Watch truly lives further North.

She’s not brought too many people with her. She’s here under the guise of work, of course, but she’s only ever been party to these meetings once before. The first time they’d happened.

He hadn’t come.

And so she hadn’t come after that, either.

The trading between the Free Folk and North is a prosperous affair, the North giving silks and spices and oils in return for furs and knowledge and hardy meat. This is one of Sansa’s easier alliances, and while it’s also the easiest to attend, it brings her the most heartache. Petty squabbling and demands she can deal with, even if they bring headaches.

This particular alliance reminds her of all she has lost.

When the gates creak open, Sansa stands tall and proud and berates herself for hoping that this one time she’s come, he might be coming, too.

She spots Tormund first.

His face is gleeful, and he almost bounds to her with his joy.

“The girl kissed by fire!” he crows.

He doesn’t embrace her, because he knows better, but she almost wishes he would. She wants that connection to her past.

Instead, he puts a meaty paw on her shoulder. “I’m surprised you’ve come after all this time,” he says. “He’s always unbearable after these meetings, what with you not being here and all. Oh, thank fuck I won’t have to deal with his pouting this time!”

“Tormund,” she whispers, fiercely, harshly, because she can’t believe what he’s saying. That way only sadness lies. “Who?”

He blinks at her, confused, lip twitched up as if to say what the fuck. “Jon, of course.”

Tormund moves out of her line of sight, and suddenly she can’t breathe.

Jon.

She’s stuck where she’s stood. After all this time, all her longing, now that he’s here, he’s really here, she can’t move.

It’s no matter, in the end.

He can.

He sweeps her into his arms, knocking the breath from her as he does. Her words die in her throat, her lips parted in shock as he grasps at her, a choked, “Oh, Sansa,” ripping from his throat.

He pulls back from her after a moment, when she does little more than stand limp against him, but as soon as his warmth has left her the damn breaks and she cries out and reaches back for him.

She doesn’t know if she’s crying, though she suspects that she must be. She can feel him shuddering against her.

When they finally pull from each other, Jon runs a hand down the back of her head.

“You look well,” he speaks, voice gruff and deep and oh how she’s missed his northern brogue.

“So do you.”

And he does. He looks sad, as sad as he had that day he’d left King’s Landing, and he looks old, too, but his cheeks are full and his hair is clean and even under all these furs she can still feel the hard planes of his muscles.

Sansa turns to her guard. “Allister, I’m going to go talk with Jon. Stay here with the party, alright? We’ll trade and negotiate tomorrow.”

She takes Jon by the hand, and leads him to the Lord Commander’s chambers.

He kneels by the hearth to start the fire, while Sansa watches him. The room is dusty, completely unused. She doesn’t know what this means. He’s obviously never spent any time here whatsoever, but why? Because he’s traumatized by what happened to him here? Because he genuinely wants to be beyond the Wall?

“Jon.”

He stops adding wood to the hearth, back bowing lower into the ground.

“Do you want to come home?”

He whimpers, fingers clenching around the log.

“Yes.”

Sansa lets her eyes flutter closed. She’ll make it happen. There are thousand things she can say; the North is independent and the Watch is under her jurisdiction, Jon is a Stark and his fate is up to her, Bran will release him from his vows in any case she’s sure, and who’s to stop her, really, the Unsullied gone –

The floor creaks.

She opens her eyes, and Jon is standing in front of her.

“But not yet.”

“Not yet?” she snaps, suddenly exhausted and furious and it feels like her heart is breaking all over again.

“Aye,” he says softly. “Not yet. I don’t deserve to come home yet.”

“What penance do you think you’re paying?” she demands. “I don’t care what anyone says, killing her was the right thing –“

He winces.

She bites her tongue fiercely, letting the sharp flare anchor her.

She takes a deep breath.

“I know that you didn’t see what she did coming,” Sansa says, softer, quieter, with more understanding. “I didn’t either, truthfully. But that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.”

His chest rumbles.

“I know you loved her.”

He’s shaking his head before she can finish. “I didn’t,” he admits on a whisper. “I didn’t, not really, but I saw what she could do for us, and then I just got so confused –“

He becomes frantic quickly, eyes going wild and shoulders heaving.

She hushes him, taking him back into her arms. She can’t help the relief that has unfurled in her chest, how it’s made her heart beat fast and quick as has made her stomach roil, but she will come back to it in a moment. For now, he’s unraveling before her.

“Alright, Jon,” she sooths. “Not yet.”

The first time Jon comes to Winterfell, Sansa wasn’t expecting him.

They meet at the Wall every two moon turns, an unnecessarily frequent amount to be trading and meeting with the Free Folk, but it as long as she can go without seeing him. Now that she’s had a taste for having him back in her arms, she can’t make herself let it go.

It seems that he can’t, either.

She’s still a fortnight from riding out to Castle Black, and she’s been preparing for it carefully. They’ve settled into a nice routine over the past year, but she wants more, now. She’d been going to ask for more.

(What that more was she hadn’t quite decided. It depended on how brave she felt. Would it be to ask him to come home? Would it be to see him more often? Would it be for her to ask him to press a sweet kiss against her skin? Or maybe she could be braver – maybe she could kiss him first, maybe fall into bed with him?)

She knows the Lord’s mutter about her and her wildling lover, and they perhaps even suspect the truth of his identity, but he’s not her lover, not really. She just wants him to be.

And then he comes to her. The horns blare and it sets her on edge, but when she arrives at the courtyard to see him and a small wildling party atop their horses, she almost trips over her feet in her rush to greet him.

“You’re here,” she whispers into his neck.

“I don’t want to cause any trouble,” he says back, “I’ll leave if this puts you in too much danger. I just – I wanted to see you.”

“No, don’t go,” she pleads, before she can help herself. She clings tighter to him.

“I won’t,” he promises.

When she leads him to her chamber, she knows that this time is different. They won’t just be sharing pretty words by the fire; they won’t just be working on forgiveness; they won’t just be mourning a future that was taken from them.

They’re writing their own stories tonight.

“I helped her conquer Westeros,” Jon says to her as the evening passes. “I defended her, even after she burnt the city.”

“You did,” Sansa says, because these are the crimes she has so much trouble forgiving. “But you passed the sentence and you swung the sword.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m worthy of getting to come home,” he says. “That doesn’t mean I’m worthy of loving you.”

She wishes his declaration of love didn’t have to be surrounded by so much sadness, but she knows why it does. She knows that this is the reason he hasn’t come home in so long.

Besides, they can have many more years where their love is sweet, where she can let it slip from her mouth without a care, freely, when they lay beside each other after a coupling or when they take their meals together or even just when she looks at him and is overcome.

“You’re trying to be,” she tells him instead of all of that. “But punishing yourself does not equate to repentance.”

“How would you let me find absolution?” he asks.

“Let you?” she repeats. “Absolution is something you must find yourself. I can’t tell you how to find it anymore than I can tell you that nothing bad will ever happen again. What I can tell you, Jon, is that you won’t find it by carving yourself from the North, from our family. From me.”

“And you could forgive me?” he asks, voice wavering, eyes watering. “For what I did to the Kingdoms? What I did to you?”

“Will you give me a chance to try?”

It’s been five years since the Great Wars, and Sansa is sure of herself and her power. She knows that if she were to deem it so, she could make what she wanted happened.

She is too scared, however, to even chance angering the Six Kingdoms. The Unsullied are gone, and the Wall is her territory, but if some of the lords were to get word that she’d not only pardoned Jon but taken him as a husband and is bearing his children – well. She’d not quite so sure they could let that happen just yet, and she won’t punish her Kingdom for her own desires.

So doesn’t, not yet. Sansa goes to him at Castle Black, or his settlement beyond the Wall, and he comes to Winterfell and she sees him so frequently that sometimes its like they’re hardly apart at all.

He always greets her with a fierce kiss, and if the whispers of the Queen in the North’s wilding lover were bad before, they’re insufferable now.

She won’t marry him now. Maybe she won’t be able to ever. But when her stomach starts to swell with her first child, she doesn’t mind that they’ll be a bastard. Not when she finds out, not when Jon arrives for the first time since she confirmed the pregnancy and his faces lights up with so much love and joy that all sadness disappears, and not when her daughter is born and she holds little Lyanna in her arms and tells her she is loved, so, so much.

Because she knows that her daughter is loved.

Sansa knows that she is loved, too.

#jonsa #jon x sansa #actually jonsa #jonsa fic

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