#I struggle so much with people who have poor self awareness and poor communication skills

[thecagedsong]

Look, book-Sophie's arc is dear and personal. Because she is an eldest sister, and so much of that is to her advantage in the story. She knows how to quell tantrums and knows how to run a shop and knows how to clean and make a home worth living in. The story would be infinitely sadder if Sophie was one of those "not like other girls" who couldn't cook or clean. Sophie knows that loneliness is the worst, leading her to talk to Calcifer enough that she knows how to break Howl's spell. Being bossy enough to get small children to stop fighting lets her deal with Howl and Calcifer's moods. Being unwilling to burden other people led her to talking to things, which is the essence of her magic! She acts like this because she's the oldest and knows how to take care of other people's hurts without them feeling like they have to take care of her. People can depend on her.

Sophie knows how to make a home from the start because she's the eldest and has been helping for ages. It's a great and wonderful thing that she knows all this!

What's terrible is when she think that it was all useless. She's cursed and her sisters are busy courting, her stepmom got married and sold the shop, no one in the town she grew up in recognizes her, the wizard she lives with can't stop whining about her cleaning to figure out she's bespelled and could really use some help, and she's right back at her father's shop a month after leaving.

But it wasn't useless! She and Howl just didn't have the communication skills to get her to know that. Her sisters are desperate with worry! They ask everyone, even Horrible Howl that eats young girl's hearts, for help in finding her! They have a reward posted for any information about her! Her step mother recognizes her almost on sight! Her sisters run to her the second they see her. They love her and their lives have been less without her. The skills she used to build up a home in the moving castle is one of the reasons Howl, Calcifer, and Michael love her and trust her with Howl's heart and Calcifer's life. Howl is actively returning the care she put into their home by consulting all his wizard friends about her curse to get to the bottom of it. (and is too busy to actually be courting anyone) Being nosy and bossy let Sophie see other worlds and get her the adventure she has never believed herself capable of.

That's what it actually means to be the eldest daughter.

Her manta "Of course I failed, I'm the eldest of three!" both pulls the reader to identify what is being constructed and deconstructed, the role of elder sisters and puts the reader in the odd position of thinking "what a self-aware fantasy character!" and "what a stupid thing to let stop you!"

One of Sophia's main internal struggles is about a fear of failure because the world tells her she's going to fail. Then she fails and immediately goes to the conclusion "the world was right, I am a failure for this arbitrary, uncontrollable trait."

Sophia escapes this mantra for the first time when she's old and is like "well, who cares what they have to say now. I'm old and earned the right to do as I please". The thoughts come back through, the way messages telling of hardship and failure always do, but she doesn't let it stop her anymore, not like it did the first months of the book. Why?

Because what being the eldest daughter actually means is cleaning up messes because no one else is going to clean yours and your siblings are too young to clean up theirs.

Sophie is pulled into plot points almost exclusively by the need to clean up her mess or help someone else. Gotta protect Lettie from Howl catching her heart and breaking it! Gotta help Michael with the spell! Gotta free Calcifer who can't break his own curse! Gotta help the poor dogman that hates Howl! Gotta help Miss Angorian, even though she's a beautiful lying manstealer! Gotta kick Howl out of his despressive spirals! Also gotta help Howl by blackening his name before the King (no one said helping couldn't be fun).

Ironically, the very trait the world told her would make her unsuccessful was crucial to her success. She's scared to fail like everyone has said she would, but she doesn't stop trying to help people anyway, in her eldest daughter way, and she succeeds in the end and rewrites fate. I love her.

#howl's moving castle #sophie hatter #howl jenkins #sisters #eldest daughter #eldest of three

[zuol]

Effectively Communicating Myself and My Needs

I realized that I can have poor skills when it comes to conveying how I feel.

This stems from believing that I can effectively take care of my own feelings (like anger). The point I miss is telling the person how I feel and this misses so much opportunity to connect and understand each other.

I recall talking to my therapist, Y, about how one of my aspirations is to be in healthy relationships with others. She asked me to take a look at the people I am in relationship with and asked me if they were ideally the ones that constitute as healthy.

This had me thinking a lot, because there are times when my family and friends' actions bother me. I've learned how to cope with it in my own way where I would go inward and try to change myself.

But I can only do so much. I don't feel like I have a balanced view of the individuals in my life and I act in ways that aren't at all healthy. I grow resentment towards them and limit how much time I want to spend with them.

Is this really what I want?

Constantly telling myself to not take it personally, and as a result, not expressing how I truly feel about their actions. Taking it personally even though I tell myself not to. Struggling because I feel so alone in this relationship.

How does this reflect who I am? How does reflect my values?

I feel like a fraud to say the very least. I say these things about wanting to be in good relationship with the people I care about, and yet I struggle to communicate how I feel. Some of my decisions were to cut off the relationship, cutting off all ties.

I used to be so okay with this, but now I'm thinking about how my actions reflect my own values, and I'm feeling a little bit confused.

I guess this is okay, because I'm growing to be aware and mindful of my patterns. In the end, I want to be better and I want to do better for myself, the people I care about (humanity tbh), and Earth. Being fixed in my self-centeredness will only misalign what I really want for my life.

#did not proofread

[grad701avarawsonstudio]

Mental Health resources

https://mentalhealth.org.nz/our-campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week

What is MHAW? MHAW is our annual campaign that works to help Kiwis understand what boosts their wellbeing and improves mental health. We’ve been running it since 1993 (when not many people wanted to talk publicly about mental health) and we’re so proud of how much it has grown.

They pick a new theme every year because there isn’t just one way to wellbeing and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach that will work for everyone in New Zealand. Hopefully, every new MHAW adds a new skill, tool or strategy to your wellbeing to help you every day and to draw on when times are tough.

“We are working every day to advocate for improved mental health services, the right support from our whānau, friends and community, less prejudice and discrimination. New Zealand needs to tackle a whole bunch of big problems like racism, poverty and violence, too. These are barriers to us feeling and functioning well – and we will never stop working on removing those barriers.”

I think that mental health awareness week/ month is super important as it provides the opportunity to refocus on self-care and acknowledge the importance of mental health. Many people prioritize their physical health, but mental health is equally important for holistic wellness.

https://www.mind.org.uk/get-involved/speak-to-us/

Mental health isn’t hidden anymore. It’s on the front pages. On the political agenda. Spoken about by royalty. For millions of people, mental health is now something to be honest about – not ashamed of.

The Mind community has been at the heart of this transformation. But they know there’s much more to do. So, in 2021/22, they refocused to respond to the biggest threats to our mental health. The threats people tell them matter most.

“We ramped up our work with people from racialised communities, young people and people living in poverty. They all face a disproportionate struggle to get support and respect. We kept dealing with the fallout from the pandemic. We were there as waiting lists for mental health care kept growing. And we were there as the cost of living crisis started to bite.”

Always led by people’s experiences, we kept fighting for mental health.

https://publichealth.tulane.edu/blog/mental-health-public-health/

Poor mental health influences people’s relationships with their children, spouses, relatives, friends, and co-workers. Often, poor mental health leads to problems such as social isolation, which disrupts a person’s communication and interactions with others. This can have particularly harmful effects on children and adolescents whose development depends on forming bonds with their family members and peers. In adulthood, this social isolation can lead to family breakdown, divorce, or even childhood neglect.

Mental health problems frequently put financial and emotional strain on families. For example, a family trying to address a child’s mental illness may exhaust untold funds in search of treatment. Individual family members may also struggle to cope with their own symptoms that require support, such as depression or sleeping problems.

Children who have family members experiencing mental health problems may blame themselves. This can result in loneliness and feelings of being different. It may also lead to future behavioral or social problems. Additionally, as families address their loved ones’ mental health problems, they may socially isolate out of fear of judgment from others, further disrupting their emotional well-being.

[maulusque]

Clone genetic enhancement ideas

So the clones were genetically enhanced, but i don’t really see any writers (in fanfic or in published stuff) really exploring what that MEANS beyond “clone very stronk”. Here are some ideas that would actually make clones significantly different from just a regular-ass human in peak condition. 

-enhanced senses: eyesight, hearing, etc. I’m talking eyes like a HAWK

-better reflexes

-quicker information processing

-can hear sounds of higher and lower frequency than standard humans

-can see light of a broader spectrum than human standard

-learn quicker, retain information and skills better (potential problem: if you learn something the WRONG way, that way might stick really well)

-photographic memory (really useful for memorizing layouts and maps)

-immunity to various diseases

-can tolerate a wider range of temperatures and environments

-increased stamina and strength baseline. Clones can just run full-tilt for hours and hours and be like “ah a nice stroll”. Over long distances, they can out-pace jedi in the same way that humans can out-pace horses.

-higher tolerance of certain poisons/toxins (clones can straight-up drink ethanol, and get maybe a little tipsy)

-bodies respond quickly to physical stress, and slowly to the absence of it (basically, this means that physical conditioning results in stronger muscles and a stronger cardiovascular system really quickly, and it takes MUCH longer for a clone to lose strength and conditioning due to not exercising than standard humans. Think how much valuable training time is saved if they only have to go on a run like, once a month in order to stay in shape)

-increased ability to function through intense pain and acute injuries. Basically, semi-disabling the pain system so it’s less distracting. Probably not good for the survival of the individual in many situations, but an advantage on the battlefield. 

-heal faster and better, with fewer long-term complications. Clones can dislocate their shoulders and NOT have the joint be permanently fucked up, because the Kaminoans re-designed the whole damn thing to suck WAY less.

-actually, unique internal anatomy. There’s probably a lot about the human body besides the shoulder joint that is actually just really stupid, and something no intelligent designer would actually build. So the Kaminoans can fix a lot of that stuff. Better knees, maybe. Stronger ribs. Maybe Cody punches droids not just because he’s a mad bastard, but also because his metatarsals are literally as strong as steel. 

-Hearing loss/hearing damage? No problem, your ear can regrow those little hair-thingies that help you hear. 

-Of course, it takes energy to maintain muscle mass, which is why human bodies lose it if we’re not using it. Clones need significantly more calories than standard humans. However, their digestive systems are enhanced to extract calories and nutrients from food much more efficiently, so food goes much farther. Potential weird side effect: maybe clones only have to poop like, once a week?

-You could probably extend that into increased ability to tolerate long periods without food/on low rations, despite the increased need for calories. 

-wouldn’t it be NEAT if the kaminoans somehow designed self-repairing DNA. This would mean that others couldn’t take a DNA sample from a clone and modify it to create their own clones (basically, it protects their product. It’s like DRM for clones). This ALSO means that clones couldn’t get cancer, and that they’d be immune to radiation poisoning. So a clone could just walk up to a sphere of uranium at critical mass and pick it up. Maybe with oven mitts on if it’s hot. (this would also make it harder for a rapid-aging cure to be developed, but uhhhh fanfic writers find a way)

- “bred for obedience” I think most of this would have to be accomplished through tightly-controlled messaging and cultural norms as the clones grow up- basically, enshrining obedience as a desirable and almost sacred trait, to be prized higher than anything else, including the lives of your brothers. In the same way that we hear stories of people sacrificing their lives to protect their loved ones, the clones would grow up hearing stories of soldiers sacrificing their brothers’ lives to obey an order from a superior. 

-SOME of the “obedience” thing could be engineered, though. Humans are already super social, but it would probably make sense for the clones to have an even greater need for social bonds. This would make for greater teamwork and coordination, and better unit cohesion, since the clones would be more inclined to prioritize friendship/agreeing with someone over winning an argument. It would also make it so they’d bond with their natural-born generals more easily, so they would obey them not just because they’re supposed to, but because they’d be much quicker to see them as a friend, and someone who’s trust they want to earn, someone they want to incorporate into their group and make happy.

-consequently, clones who find themselves alone do NOT do well. Isolation has a much more profoundly negative impact on clones than on regular humans.

-Originally, clones designed to operate alone or in small teams would not have the social enhancement- ARC troopers, spec-ops teams, etc. There wouldn’t be much of a noticeable difference in everyday interactions, but they’d also be vaguely weirded out by what they interpret as aggressive friendliness from their brothers, and their brothers would think they’re a bit shy and standoffish. 

-actually this social modification would make it MUCH harder for clones to kill people. REGULAR HUMANS are already super bad at killing people- i remember reading this article about how as soon as soldiers have to point their weapons at actual people, their aim gets mysteriously much shittier. Even when compared to situations that are exactly the same, except they’re not shooting at other humans. So reconcile this how you will, idk.

-I imagine a lot of these enhancements would be accomplished not through DNA, but through microorganisms. Retroviruses could explain the DNA resistant to modification, and the increased healing speed, and possibly some disease resistance (do i know anything about retroviruses other than a vague concept of what they are? no i do not. will that stop me? also no.) Their metabolism can be partially explained through specially engineered gut microbes.

-not sure how they’d go about making clones “resistant to any stress”, because you can’t exactly turn off the trauma response in the brain without breaking a bunch of other things. They could probably do a bit of fiddling to make clones more resistant to chemical imbalances, and therefore more depression-resistant. I think most of the “stress-resistance” would have to come through training. Either they train the clones to basically suppress everything, which might work alright in the short term. OR they actually have systems in place that help prevent the development of things like PTSD and help treat trauma. Meaning the clones are literally trained in self-care, positive self-talk, talking about their pain with their brothers, and having community rituals around things like death and grief. I don’t think that’s super likely because one thing that’s integral to those concepts is the concept of “i am a person and i have worth, and if i feel angry about something bad happening, that is ok and valid” and considering that a whole lot of bad things happen to the clones all the time and their childhood is a whole boatload of bad all happening at once, i don’t think the kaminoans would want the clones realizing “hey wait a minute i’m a person and i don’t deserve to be treated this way and it’s ok for me to be mad at you”. 

- the clones were supposedly engineered to be “less aggressive” but i think there was literally nothing more to that than a cover story for the control chip. The clones wouldn’t be raised with a lot of the aggressive western concept of masculinity, where anger is the default reaction to like, everything, and your personal pride is extremely important and also fragile (no offense lmao). So you wouldn’t have clones posturing and getting angry over perceived slights and fighting each other all the time, like everyone in-universe apparently expects to be the case. Anyway, why would you want your soldiers to be less aggressive? they’re literally supposed to fight and kill the enemy. You want them fully capable of getting angry, anger is the human response to fear and danger that lets us DO something about it. 

-obviously the biggest component in how they behave would be how they are raised, but that’s an entirely different post

-Specializations! I imagine that initially, the Kaminoans had different clones with different traits engineered specifically to fill certain roles. However, as the war went on, they struggled to keep up with demand and had to start shoving clones into whatever roles were needed (hence Fives and Echo becoming ARCs, despite not being engineered as ARC troopers). 

-Command clones would have better abilities in the executive function parts of the brain that deal with extrapolation, planning ahead, spatial reasoning, etc. They’d also have increased visual pattern recognition (like a pigeon)

-search-and-rescue troops would also have the pigeon pattern recognition abilities. The coast guard literally strapped pigeons to helicopters who would tap a button when they saw orange in the water, because they were better at spotting it than humans. Pigeons can detect cancer in microscope images of cells, because they’re that good at pattern recognition

-Pilots would have hella reflexes, excellent spatial awareness and spatial reasoning skills, much greater ability to process visual information, stronger hearts and blood vessels (to resist greater Gs of force), and they’d also be much shorter, to better fit into a cockpit. Which reminds me of Axe, that poor bastard from Ahsoka’s squadron over Ryloth who was almost eight feet tall. rip poor Axe, how did you even become a pilot, you long bastard.

-medics who can smell certain diseases. If you want to get a little bit out there, make the medics able to purr so they can sooth stressed-out patients. 

-infantry would have even greater endurance than everyone else, as well as greater tolerance for, and ability to, remain constantly on alert.

-ability to fall asleep at will? that would be super dope.

-maybe more efficient sleep, so to an adult clone, 4 hours of sleep is genuinely sufficient.

-concept: clones can sort of turn down their bodily functions- slow their digestion, heart, lungs, the whole nine yards- to last longer in adverse conditions. Sort of a half-hibernation (or quarter hibernation- they’d still be able to talk and think, but they’d feel very lethargic). They wouldn’t be able to function very well, but it would be great for things like enduring intense cold, periods without food, low-oxygen environments, and it would be especially useful if you were wounded and waiting for help, since you could slow your circulation, meaning it would take you a lot longer to bleed out. This state could be triggered by a combination of physical actions such as sitting or lying still, breathing slowly and deeply, and focusing on slowing the heart down (humans can actually slow down their hearts consciously if you practice at it, this is basically that, but turned up to like 1100).

-one thing that never made sense to me was the whole “we’re running out of jango fett’s DNA, all the new clones won’t be as good, and we have to stop ventress from stealing the original DNA” because like, can’t they just, get the EXACT SAME DNA from the clones?? you know, the exact genetic copies? With all the enhancements already done? But now my idea is that the kaminoans have engineered the clones so their DNA straight up can’t be copied. The clone’s own body can obviously replicate it, but if you take a sample and try to extract the DNA, it just self-destructs or something. This is to protect their intellectual property, but also means that they literally have to use a couple of Jango Fett’s actual human cells for every single clone they make (and the fact that they then have to do all the above enhancements to every single embryo helps explain why there’s so many small mutations, such as hair color and height). So they kinda shot themselves in the foot with that one. 

-of course since things like ADHD and autism have a strong genetic component, the kaminoans could theoretically engineer those out of the clones, but actually FUCK THAT so for whatever reason, that’s just not something they are able to do, and neurodivergent clones are absolutely a thing

#maulusque's stuff #meta #clones

[angeloncewas]

Stuff I love about the Dream SMP

(I wanted to spread some fluff <3 feel free to add on!)

The writing! It's just so damn good. I don't even like Minecraft, but they managed to hook me with their skills. Yeah, there's flubs and missteps and all, but we're still going back and noticing subtle details and foreshadowing from past arcs. For all the jokes about poor planning and stuff, they've really put a lot of time and effort into this storyline thing. And there's something for everyone. Don't like Tommy's disc saga? Go back and watch L'manberg get built, or check out the supernatural and ominous egg, or watch c!Jack Manifold struggle with being on the sidelines. There is no real main character and so there's plenty to love no matter what

Representation! Say what you will about this or that, gaming is notoriously a cishet, homophobic space. Not only does the SMP have actual people who are LGBT on it (Ant, Niki, Puffy, Eret, Karl) but there are plenty of canon relationships that exist outside of the "girl loves guy haha" of it all. The creators are also willing to learn more about the community, like Jack Manifold asking chat about what it means to be nonbinary (I didn't see what happened, but I heard good things)

The content creators! I know it's a bit of a hot topic right now, but I like Dream a lot. The guy is super passionate about everything he does and he has the sort of confidence that I've always admired in people. Tommy is incredibly charismatic and self-aware, Ranboo is a riot and also so beyond caring (he raised thousands upon thousands for the Trevor Project, c'mon), and there's so many more people who I just feel deserve their success so much

The relationships! The Dream Team are long-time online friends who managed to rise to success together and live out their dreams. Tommy and Wilbur met through something Tommy scammed his way onto and now they're "like brothers" or at least best friends. Ranboo was just a fan and now he's such close friends with Tubbo that he plans to fly across the ocean to meet him as soon as possible. We love them, but they also love each other and it's so cool to see

The way it helps people grow! Tubbo was streaming for a long time before he garnered the level of success he has now, and the dsmp has become a place that can do that for all sorts of people. Hannah and Foolish are both super fun and talented and I probably never would've found them if not for their addition. Heck even Wilbur - he's one of my favorite artists, but I never would've found his music if not for his writing during the first season and its subsequent success

The community! This is one of the most respectful fanbases I've been in - not only do people make an effort to keep track of cc's boundaries, but we by and large abide by their wishes, even when unorthodox. I've met such kind people here and it's amazing how much content comes out of our side of things too, from fic to fanart to music. It feels really feels like being a part of something

Obviously criticisms of the dsmp are welcome and warranted - you can enjoy media and still point out its flaws, you can love a person and still see when they've done something wrong - but I think it's also okay to step back and look at the thing we're all here for and talk about what's great about it. Because it is great. It's so damn cool to be seeing an entire story unfold live and sometimes even have a part in it, big or small.

#dream smp #idk how to tag this but i just wanted to put it out there #bc a lot of stuff has been quite negative lately i think #take care of yourselves n all that #tommyinnit #dreamwastaken #angel analyzes

[softinkshadows]

Shingeki no Kyojin Astrology: sun-moon-rising combinations

I was looking around tumblr for detailed astrology speculations of my fave anime characters, but there aren't that many! Being q well-versed in astro myself, i thought why not do my own version (very spoiler-free, don’t worry)! I followed the birth dates given by isayama:

Eren Jaeger - Aries sun, Scorpio moon, Cancer rising Aside from the fact that he can be hotheaded and impulsive, Eren's feelings of vengeance run deep and explosive. Remember that time he was chained to the bed after the attack on trost, and his eyes were wild with the need to violently eradicate all titans? He's so tenacious and emotionally stubborn too (a Scorp moon trait) to the point of being closed off from everyone else, especially towards the end where he seems to take the weight of the world's burden on his own shoulders. And all for the sake of protecting his community and ensuring the safety of his friends for the rest of their lives. His comrades and family are his motivation. This is his Cancer rising steering his life.

Mikasa Ackerman - Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Aries rising "Look that moody brat is running off on her own again." Mikasa is similar to Eren in her impulsiveness and determination, but different in two ways- what they aim to protect and their extent of fearlessness. Eren is aware of his own weaknesses and helplessness, but Mikasa's amazing physical prowess makes her act without any hesitation at all. She's hella fierce and driven to keep herself in shape too, doing all those sit-ups and chopping firewood post-injury. I think she deserves a double Aries! An Aries rising means a Libra descendant too, which is reflected her whole-hearted devotion in her close partnerships (Eren and Armin). Her aquarius moon really shines thru with her stoic independence, focus and perseverance.

Armin Arlet - Scorpio sun, Virgo moon, Pisces rising He's the brain of the 104th cadet corps, and is second to Erwin in terms of strategy! An intelligent planner with low self-esteem often found second guessing his own analytical abilities, Armin is a true blue Virgo moon. His emotional self stands out the most from the main three protagonists - Eren & Mikasa mostly express anger and desperation, whereas Armin is usually shrouded in fear and worry. He's a very soft bb, hence the Pisces rising, not to mention he gets so dreamy imagining the sea, the vast plains, and the magical world beyond the walled universe he knows. A spiritually-attuned and curious explorer :")

Levi Ackerman - Capricorn sun, Scorpio moon, Virgo rising Levi is such a complex person, thanks to Isayama's brilliance. Like many Cap suns, Levi is authoritative, cold and incredibly savage. That's not to say he doesn't feel anything either. Levi is an evolved Scorp moon (maybe even moon in 11th house) because his feelings are never for himself, but he hurts so much for others - you can tell every death hits him so hard, but he doesn't show this to anyone else. He also exudes this quietly intimidating aura of natural competence, a common characteristic of this sun-moon combo. He can take things personally as well (re: height issues) but it never snowballs into more than passing irritation. The turbulence of his emotions and habit for violence is balanced out by his earthy Virgo rising, which is emotionally subdued, quite thin and delicate in physique, and super neurotic and nitpicky when it comes to cleanliness and health. Cap, Virgo and Scorp are some of the most guarded signs, and a combi of all 3 are hellish. You can tell this poor beautiful man is always caught between feeling and thinking, between maintaining his humanity and forsaking it.

Erwin Smith - Libra sun, Capricorn moon, Leo rising In another life, Erwin Smith would be the damn CEO of a global conglomerate because he oozes so much charisma. Hell if charisma were energy Erwin Smith would be its prime, eternally renewable source. His stature alone is so commanding, and I find some strong Leonine traits in his thickset physique, strong eyebrows, beautiful hair, and that way he shouted in full glory atop wall Rose in that one episode to the cheering masses below. He might be a Libra sun, diplomatic in political affairs, but his Capricorn moon is what drives his decisions. Cap moon has a rep for being cold and unemotional, but i believe they are way more than that! Cap moons rarely boast about their long list of achievements, instead looking forward to the next goal. They struggle with emotional expression, and are super driven and disciplined. Erwin is capable of making the hardest decisions, putting aside emotions to strive for an abstract ideal, and this is to be expected of the commander who takes on the role of the devil.

Hange Zoe - Virgo sun, Sagittarius moon, Gemini rising All hail our favourite mad scientist!! Hange is such a breath of fresh air in the Survey Corps, balancing out the heaviness of missions with their wacky tales of titan research and experimentation. Their penchant for study and higher knowledge is typical of a Sagittarius moon, who is drawn to advanced academic study and spiritual truths. It's also a lighthearted and optimistic sign, true to Hange's upbeat personality. The Virgo in them contributes to their sheer intelligence and obsessiveness with research subjects. We also know they LOVE to talk, and once Eren asks Hange about experiments, they cannot stop (Gemini governs communication). Virgo, Sag and Gemini are the most intellectual signs, and because they are mutuable Hange tends to follow orders rather than give them, making it difficult to adapt to their new role towards the end of the series. Mutable signs also means rapidly-changing emotional states, and a whole lot of chaos, which suits our beloved squad leader.

Jean Kirstein - Aries sun, Virgo moon, Taurus rising Our third Aries on the list ohmygod. The snk universe is full of feisty hotheads. Jean is always seen clashing with Eren, fuelled by Eren's closeness with Mikasa and his own adorable jealousy. I mean, they had a full on fist fight right after dinner in the mess hall, although everything went downhill after the first few punches. Our first impression of Jean during his cadet days is coloured by his desire to work in the interior, and this favour for material safety and wealth is perhaps common to a Taurus rising. Also, Taurus is ruled by Venus, planet of beauty and harmony, and thus often figures in the charts of artists. If you've seen Jean's drawing skills in that special episode, you'll know that his artistic abilities are the finest we have seen, exceeding even that of isayama himself. Jean's strong principles such as being averse to killing people and oftentimes cynical nature, is also characteristic of the moral and cautious Virgo moon.

Sasha Braus - Leo sun, Gemini moon, Taurus rising Not all Leos are showmans. Sasha is the type of Leo who displays more of the quirky, unabrashed personality suited to her opposite sister sign Aquarius. Authority doesn't exist when food comes into play, as we see when she breaks potato with Shadis and later steals a slab of meat from the officer's warehouse. Unlike the visual artistry that Jean possesses with his Taurus rising, Sasha's Taurus centers around her love for food, and hell she can have fiery determination for it (rmb the wild night she mistook Jean's hand for meat?). I love that both of them were pitted with each other in that cooking special episode. I considered placing her as a Taurus moon, but Taurus moons are usually steadier and classier in emotion, whereas Sasha is often breezy, gets nervous and chaotic, with stellar intuition, making her likely a Gemini moon.

Connie Springer - Taurus sun, Cancer moon, Gemini rising Although not much attention is paid to Connie's growth, his character development reminds me a lot of Aang from ATLA. Cheery and happy-go-lucky at first, before the incident with his mother made him more prone to feelings of anger and vengeance, especially near the later chapters. His strong protective bond with his mother is what compels me to say he is a Cancer moon, which is a moon sign that is very homebody and drawn to family and traditions. His goofy self and him referring to Sasha as "his twin" puts him as the spunky Gemini rising, another sign he shares with her.

Reiner Braun - Leo sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn rising Aside from his natural leader personality (Leonine), Reiner likes to take on the persona of the big brother of the group. His outward stoicism, decisiveness and task-oriented nature is typical of a Cap rising, who is often serious and solemn in appearance. He reminds me of that Cap rising workaholic who does his best in a corporate organization, working 9 to 5 plus overtime as it fulfills his sense of purpose. Beyond his stoic facade reveals a more troubled personality. Like a Pisces moon, Reiner is impressionable, and it's difficult to tell if his emotions and personalities are his own, wavering and absorbing traits from those around him. His internal war with his identity and the ensuing fatigue characterises him during the second half of the series.

Annie Leonhart - Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Virgo rising Annie is the kind of Aries that is so motivated to achieve her goals that everything else is sidelined, including her own emotions. She's quite ruthless in chasing her objectives, and her composure, focus and endurance is highlighted with an Aquarius moon. I'm guessing she has a 4th house influence somewhere because of her motivations to go home to her father and lead a normal life. I find the daintiness and delicateness of her features similar to Levi, who is also a Virgo rising. The Virgo effect also registers as a brutal, unfiltered honesty (also seen in Levi), and Annie doesn't hesitate to speak the truth about her own or her opponent's capabilities.

Other characters which I won't go into much detail about:

Bertholdt Hoover - Capricorn sun, Virgo moon, Pisces rising Bertholdt is quiet with an unobtrusive personality. His lack of supposed iniative and aggression can perhaps be attributed to the mutuability of Virgo and Pisces, which goes with the flow instead of charging forward. He keeps his feelings to himself, but reacts when the people he wants to protect are threatened.

Historia Reiss - Capricorn sun, Libra moon, Cancer rising Historia initially lives for the sake of others (esp Ymir), and is more co-dependent than many of her other squadmates. She also tends to put up a front of pleasantness, afraid of disappointing or offending people. She has a strong tie to family, and a profound sense of duty.

Ymir - Aquarius sun, Pisces moon, Aries rising Ymir is extremely astute when it comes to evaluating human behaviour. The religiosity of her background is also usually found in this sun-moon combination, which tends to attract paths of strong spirituality. She also has a bold and noble sacrificial streak for the sake of her companions.

Zeke Jaeger - Leo sun, Capricorn moon, Scorpio rising A headstrong, intelligent and radical character. In a way similar to Erwin in his ruthlessness, but emotionally darker and much more sinisterly private.

Kenny Ackerman - Aquarius sun, Sagittarius moon

Rod Reiss - Virgo sun, Libra moon

Dot Pixis - Virgo sun, Sagittarius moon

Hannes - Capricorn sun, Taurus moon

#snk astrology #snk #aot astrology #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #anime astrology #eren jaeger #mikasa ackerman #armin arlet #levi ackerman #erwin smith #hange zoe #jean kirstein #sasha braus #connie springer #reiner braun #annie leonhart #bertholdt hoover #historia reiss

[alfredosauce50]

[APH x AOT] Headcanons: The countries’ military regiment, fighting style and ranking

I only managed to get Germany, China, America, England and Russia in this, but I went pretty deep with all of them: There will be reasons for joining, strengths, weaknesses, and their overall ranking. The total wordcount for this is 3, 759, so that’s triple the amount of a regular headcanons post. 

I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! 

Garrison

The regiment with the most personnel, and arguably, the most productive. With limited entry into the military police and high fatality rate of the Survey Corps, most graduates wind up here. 

But there is lots of work to be done. Whether it be maintaining and protecting walls, or evacuating citizens and adhering to emergency plans when disaster strikes--a breach in the wall and an invasion--there are always important jobs to get busy with. The Garrison frequently encounter both titans and civilians, so the soldiers here are well-rounded in titan combat, cannons, security detail, crowd control, and rifle usage. 

Given their concrete role and how they successfully deliver what they pledge, they are objectively the most deserving of respect. 

Germany

He always had his eyes set on the Garrison, having a high regard for their integral role in maintaining and protecting society. 

Ludwig is well aware of his plethora of skills while remaining humble, and wishes to use them to his full potential. While he admires the will and purpose of the Survey Corps, he’d much rather join a regiment that has a better ratio of risk and return. The scouts who die outside the protection of the walls may not die meaningful deaths, but members of the Garrison have clear goals to dedicate themselves to, and he wants nothing more than to be a part of it. 

As a hardworking person, he believes in sacrificing every bit of his time and energy to serving the people. What better way to be productive than defending civilians and the home he loves?

Fighting style

Selfless, strong and disciplined 

Strengths

He’s outstanding in all areas. He’s fast, sharp, unafraid to tackle problems had on, and to top it all off, his cuts are deep and damaging. Using 3DMG in a city as convenient as it is dangerous. Infrastructure often hides titans from the naked eye, but he’s able to take in clues and process them quickly to take the quickest and safest route. 

He has a high pain tolerance. Theoretically, if he got his arm bitten off, he could make his own way to find medical attention.

Ludwig is a natural born leader. He has one of the finest military minds. If you want strategy, you go to him. Not only is he renowned for remaining calm and level-headed no matter how grim circumstances become, he is direct and detail-oriented, so he’s a great communicator. Thus, he can be relied upon by everyone who works with him. 

He has a strong moral compass, but isn’t very emotional. More often than not, he will take the initiative to go out of his way to save someone, putting his life on the line in the process. Ludwig won’t linger on any setbacks and incidents, and will make the most out of them by trying to learn something. This sources from being mentally strong, so he’s able to keep pushing without the troubles of self-doubt.    

He possesses a very high standard for his work, and everything he does will be done well. As he takes on more authoritative roles, he will implement his work ethics into administrative tasks, and demand that others follow his example. Ludwig will not turn a blind eye to any instances of incompetence, and corruption will automatically result in your termination. 

He’s a fearsome fighter. His combat skills are one of the best. Ludwig never held back when sparring in his training days, but now that he’s faced with real enemies, he will dedicate his time to studying and perfecting variety of techniques. If you can do so little as touch him, consider yourself good. Breaking your ribs is merely a warning from him.

Weaknesses

Ludwig is a workaholic, and he will get carried away. He can get too obsessed with completing his tasks to the point of neglecting his own health. This may result in pulling consecutive all-nighters or skipping meals, believing that his body can handle it. However, the long-term effects will be detrimental if somebody doesn’t stop him. 

He takes on too much responsibility, sometimes more than what he can handle. There’s never too many burdens for him to shoulder, or at least, that’s what he thinks, but he’ll end up pushing himself and getting in trouble. This coincides with his selflessness, but he puts himself in harm’s way too often. 

He can get fixated on the smallest imperfections and inexplicabilities in himself and the happenings in his regiment. As a detail-oriented person with high standards, he could get distracted by these fluctuations. Ludwig believes everything has to be accounted for, but he ends up counting in the more trivial matters.

Rank: 2nd

Military police

Only the top ten get to join the military police as the most prestigious branch in the military. They operate in wall Sina, the innermost wall, and maintain order, as well as serve the king. Ironically, they are the biggest farce of all regiments by nature. Soldiers train to be the best at fighting titans just to get away from them in the safest spot of their civilization. 

That sounds appealing, doesn’t it? To hide away from the humanoid beasts and live a nice cushy life with the royals. Of course, this paves way for corruption, and their higher authority over the two other regiments leads to misuse and abuse of power. 

Considering how little oversight they have, the military police often clashes heads with the other two regiments, but especially the Survey Corps. 

Russia

He doesn’t like people enough to join a branch that will actually help them. 

Ivan understands that its more worthwhile to join the Garrison or Survey Corps because they actually contribute to society. But his view on their work and humanity in general is far too pessimistic. When will the scouts actually do something useful after so many meaningless deaths? People will inevitably die inside the walls, with or without the Garrison, so what’s the point? 

If he can live his own life not caring about things he can’t change, why not do it? 

Being in the military police, the most prestigious and powerful regiment, and yet, met with their jarring incompetency everyday reminds him that maybe, he shouldn’t sell himself to saving the human race. His soul is far too bitter--too disappointed. He ends up prioritizing himself in a world he believes will eventually self-destruct. These walls won’t last forever. The people will only break down faster.

Fighting style:

Sharp and unpredictable 

Strengths (In the military police)

Ivan’s ability to outsmart his colleagues allows him to stay on top of all the going-ons in the military police. He’s very cynical, but that’s the perfect trait for thriving in such a corrupt environment. Nobody will be able to take advantage of him, and he ends up doing it to others without even trying. 

It’s impossible to anticipate where and how he will attack you. Ivan has a keen eye for body language, and will mirror his opponents’ movements for the most part, then when they least expect it, he will come for them in the most merciless fashion. 

Thus, his combat style is definitely special, but that’s what makes him so deadly. He won’t always use punches and kicks because they’re easy to defend against. He might just hold you in a chokehold, but if he wants to get rid of you, he’ll use his height and strength to his advantage and slam you to the ground by your neck. 

Weaknesses (In the military police)

None

His transfer to the Survey Corps

Nobody anticipated this. Not even Ivan himself. 

He grew up rather poor, but fortunately, he wasn’t impoverished to the point of living in the underground slums. His father was a no-show, and his mother struggled to put food on the table for as long as he could remember. Already, the thought of joining the military police to escape poverty was starting to look like a realistic goal to strive towards.

Who would have thought the nice but strange-looking boy he befriended from his neighborhood would change his mind one day? He didn’t, not as he stood in the line of the top ten graduates of the 104th training corps, determined to fulfil his lifelong dream and finally stop suffering. 

Every day, he’s reminded it was the right choice to join the military police. His superiors are corrupt, his colleagues incompetent and everyone is absorbed with gambling and drinking. Humanity was hopeless. It would face its eventual demise as the Garrison struggled to keep swarms of titans from invading one district to another, and as the personnel of the Survey Corps decreased every expedition with little progress. He might as well enjoy himself while he can. 

His deep attachment to his childhood friend Yao would change all of this. As a child, he was always quite clingy to the boy, but one needs to wonder if it was because he gave him things to eat. While they went off on different paths to join different regiments, they kept a close connection, and would often meet up in secret to discuss each other’s military branches. 

Eventually, Ivan’s attitude begins to change as his relationship with Yao deepens. After all, his friendship with the man reminds him of what’s left of the good in humanity. Soon, as he learns about the change in tide for the Survey Corps where they encounter new, real progress, and eventually, a real chance for salvation, he begins to question his morals and beliefs. 

The military police start to look more distasteful to him at every passing day.  The tables finally turn when he learns that the Survey Corps are to embark on an expedition outside the walls in a few months, meaning Yao will face uncertain death--that’s what convinces him to transfer.

Strengths (In the survey corps)

Like his personality, he has an unpredictable and unique 3DMG style. Most people will choose to swing by one way, he will choose the other. He might even go upside down for a while wherever he sees fit. That’s what makes him so strong against aberrants/abnormals. He might even laugh at how ‘predictable’ they were when they were anything but. Like the saying goes, to catch a thief, you have to think like one.

He always shows up at the right time. He will appear from obscure spots and pull you into a hiding spot when you’ve abandoned all hope. To his comrades, seeing Ivan in strange places is the best thing that could happen to you, because his presence signals a threat nearby and he’ll end up being your only ticket out.

His intelligence is one of a kind. On top of this, he’s very difficult to faze so he can orientate himself quickly in foreign environments and pick up on situations without panicking. Friends tend to rely on him in dire moments for this reason.

Weaknesses

He often rubs people the wrong way with how he speaks. Half the time, he’s being too blunt and honest that it’s hard-hitting. If not, he mentions grotesque or unpleasant things with a smile on his face. And in a world with titans, there are many things that fit the description. People have a hard time liking and trusting someone like Ivan, which may cause his isolation and a disconnect with the goals of the majority.

His blades don’t last as long as most people’s because he has a questionable way of cutting up titans. He gets the job done, but he definitely over does it. He’ll have to rely on his 3DMG to survive for the meantime until he’s able to replenish. 

Ivan isn’t the best communicator in the world, and this is mostly because he assumes people already understand what they need to do. Unfortunately, not a lot of his comrades are as bright as him, so it doesn’t help that he can be quite vague. He can’t be relied on to relay important information, so he stays where the action all happens, or in other words, where trouble begins. This will put him at a greater risk even if he’s good at facing unexpected and dire situations. 

Rank: 4th 

Survey corps

You’d definitely be called crazy for considering joining. The Survey Corps is the branch of military that specializes in titan research, human expansion, and exploration of the outside world. Thus, this regiment symbolizes a hope for mankind—for freedom. However, the mortality rate is high. Stepping into titan territory will decimate members, and most will die within 4 years of joining. High risk, and almost zero return.

They are notorious for how little their success rate is so that citizens and other military regiments look on in disapproval. But they keep fighting and fighting, hoping that one day, their efforts won’t be in vain in their quest to change the world for the better.

Only the most convicted individuals will join. But only the most talented, and perhaps, luckiest, will survive.

America

This isn’t even a question. 

He knows the risks. It’s not certain whether his death will be meaningful either, and count as one step forward for humanity. It probably won’t. But he’ll be damned if he’s stuck in these walls for the rest of his life, getting fattened up by taxes just to turn into livestock for titans. 

Unlike Ivan who believes in self-preservation, Alfred thinks the meaning of life is to join a cause bigger than himself. To build something that will last for lifetimes.  

He’s also a free spirit, and yearns for true freedom and justice. So he’ll fight for it. The logo representing the scouts aren’t “The Wings of Freedom” for nothing. Call him cocky, but he’s convinced he was born to join the scouts. Everything they believe in, he does too. Their goals resonate with the deepest fibres of his soul. He craves knowledge. Bleeds for revolution. He won’t rest until he satisfies his quest for discovery, and hope. 

Fighting style: 

Powerful and explosive, but a little flamboyant.

Strengths

Alfred possesses an almost super-human strength and stamina. He can go long, and go hard. He will go on a killing rampage for as long as his gas and blades allow him to.

He’s very hardy and able to make fast decisions in risky situations. Hence, when he’s subject to difficult situations, he makes it out without a hitch. This is evident in how he can make narrow escapes to survive in cases most people wouldn’t. Losing your horse outside the walls guarantees death, but he has a half and half chance of surviving. 

His slashes are always deep to ensure he incapacitates a titan. He spins and flips a lot. He could easily dismember them if he wanted to.

A terrifying opponent to spar against because his attacks are usually too strong to defend against. The immense force he uses coincides with his incredible speed, so his opponents will have a hard time dodging and keeping up with him. One punch to the head will leave them blacked out, and two could mean permanent brain damage. Three and you’re probably as good as dead.

A good and calm communicator and works well in a team. He’s more observant than he lets on, so he has a keen eye for his friends’ abilities and will take them into consideration. 

Weaknesses

He can be rash and act out on his own accord when he thinks he’s right. That’s why his teammates are wary of him when a plan is a little more complex and ambiguous. This often creates problems for other team members because once Alfred starts improvising, they have to as well. It never ends well. 

As earnest as he is, he tends to talk back to his superiors. Looks like he’s on toilet cleaning duty again. 

He can let his emotions get in the way. Anger is not his friend. It clouds his mind and that’s when he’s the most reckless, and thus, vulnerable. 

As skilled as he is, his blades tends to dull faster than everyone else’s because he puts them under too much pressure. He will be the first to break them and could wind up defenseless for a while, but he has an uncanny ability to survive against all odds. 

Rank: 3rd

England

Unlike Alfred, freedom and justice isn’t his main motivation to join the Survey Corps. But there is one thing they share in common--a deep passion for the quest for discovery. As human beings, arguably the most intelligent species in existence, he finds it to be a devastating waste to know so little about the world he was born in. 

Is there another civilization out there fighting titans like his people in the walls? What kinds of foreign cultures, languages and religions could be waiting for him to come into contact with? And is the ocean really something that exists? If it does, then there’s a whole new world in the waters waiting to be discovered. The answers to these profound questions are well worth dying for, especially for someone who embodies human curiosity.

Salvation comes in a little further down the list. He has his doubts on whether he can save the human race. But when the chance comes, his loyalty and determination will be unbreakable, and he will go to the most extreme means to seize the opportunity. 

Fighting style: 

Swift and resourceful, but unsociable

Strengths

He’s one of the fastest and most efficient 3DMG users. One of the reasons is that he can use his gas sparingly, but not without cutting back speed. That way, he can survive for longer without stopping to replenish. 

With this in mind, Arthur can go back and save any comrades in a tight spot. That’s what makes him an irreplaceable member of any team--with him around, you have a higher chance of surviving. 

He can move like nobody else can. Tight spaces and unexpected obstacles will not slow him down, as he can make sharp turns and good approximations under pressure.

Cunning and good at avoiding conflict. Rather than direct confrontations, whether its with people or titans, he will only fight when he absolutely has to. This minimizes expense of energy and resources, as well as casualties. 

Arthur has impeccable navigation skills and threat perception. When he’s outside the walls and on horseback, he’s often right next to the soldier holding the colored flares. If not, he’s in charge of firing them. He can accurately estimate the distance between his squad to the nearest titan, and he always knows where he’s going. That’s how he can make all the right calls. 

Weaknesses

He’s a bit hot-headed and rough around the edges. This will make working in a team harder. Other times, he just doesn’t talk at all. A rather poor communicator when it comes down to it. 

While his leaner build gives him speed, it also makes him a little weaker in hand-to-hand combat. Height and weight does not put a cap on sparring abilities, but since he isn’t great at it in the first place, he ends up sustaining worse injuries. 

Arthur’s stamina is pretty average. Usually, he makes up for it with his 3DMG skills and conflict avoidance, but when he has to fight, he won’t last forever. That’s where his speed comes in. He has to end things quickly, if not, he won’t make it. 

He take things personally and lingers on any incidents that happen. He’s mentally weak, and does crack from time to time. So if someone doesn’t talk to him, he could spiral down a path of self-destruction because it’s hard for him to reach out. 

Rank: 5th

China

Along with the pursuit of intellect and salvation, he sacrifices himself so that one day, future generations can live in a safe world free from titans. This priceless moment in history will not be forgotten, and instead, remembered as proof of the spirit of humanity, unwavering and strong in the face of adversity.

There’s nothing more human than fighting for a cause you believe in. To know this while confronting those beasts, the very opposite of a thinking and feeling human being, sparks a fire inside him to keep pushing. Like everyone else, he’s under the impression the people in the walls are what’s left of humanity--the last remnants of culture, intellect, love, and joy--and he will defend it until his last breath.  

If anything, he’s one of the most selfless characters of all. He’s prepared to put everything and everyone else before him, because he knows he’s replaceable. But everything aforementioned isn’t, so he will choose to save them over himself in a heartbeat. 

Fighting style:

Graceful and gifted

Strengths

He’s the dark horse of the military. Despite his friendly demeanor, Yao is incredibly talented and proficient in all areas, and keeps updated with the going-ons in the other regiments. 

He’s the most skilled with his blades so they dull the slowest. He uses them as if they were an extension of his body. To many, all you have to do is slice hard and fast, but he has technique that lets him lengthen the life of his blade while maintaining a good, clean cut. This lets him last even longer than Alfred, who is rather reckless with his weapons. If he can kill twelve before replenishing, Yao can kill twenty.

Nobody can beat him in hand-to-hand combat, not even Ludwig. This is where the saying ‘size doesn’t matter’ comes in. 

He knows a variety of martial arts, so it’s a given he can use moves targeting bigger opponents. If you somehow last more than two seconds, he’ll dodge and deflect any attacks you try to land on him, then retaliate so quickly, you’ll be down faster than you realize he even hit you. He’ll use your own limbs against you and make it seem like you’re hitting yourself. 

His manoeuvring skills are impeccable and crazy fast. With his smaller build, he can beat Arthur. And while they’re both cunning, Yao prefers to use it to his advantage to exterminate threats rather than avoiding them. This draws a fine line between the two men, and makes him so dangerous. When it’s not just titans he’s killing, he is perceived as a threat by human enemies. 

He can remain calm and resist the urge of panicking when faced with adversity. That way, he can keep his head and rely on logic to come up with a solution. 

Weaknesses

Like Alfred, he can be unpredictable when plans are ambiguous and complex. He will have his own agenda, and is confident enough to pursue them, so this will cause some discord among team members. Fortunately, he isn’t as reckless and won’t rope others into trouble. 

Unlike Alfred, he doesn’t have the same fire to survive. If his chances are incredibly slim, he will probably sit down and accept his demise, whereas Alfred will keep fighting until the bitter end. This sources from his belief that he is replaceable, and he shouldn’t waste energy avoiding something inevitable.

Rank: 1st

To all the AOT fans following my page, this is a treat for you! If people liked this, I’ll have a part two and include France, Italy, Japan, Spain and a few other characters. That’s when we’ll get even deeper into the lore, because not all of them will join the military but will have important roles all the same. Yes I’ve read the manga and watched all four seasons, so I’m also aware of the Azumabito clan. But there are no mentions of it here.

#hetalia #aph #aph germany #aph england #aph russia #aph america #aph china #hetalia headcanons #hetalia headcanon #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot #snk #military regiment #survey corps #headcanons #crossover #anime #axis powers ヘタリア #Axis Powers Hetalia #hws #hetalia fanfiction #hetalia fanfic

[charismaandcashmere]

In the modern world, it often seems like it’s harder than ever to accomplish your goals.

It seems like everyone has already done the thing you want to do — that your idea is already out there, that your niche is beyond saturated.

Want to start a blog? You’re up against a million rivals. Thinking about starting a podcast? So is everyone else and their mom. Hoping to write a book? With the advent of self-publishing, you’re not only up against authors approved by major publishing houses, but anyone, anywhere, with a laptop. Want to become a YouTube star? Better hope you get noticed next to the thousands of other folks uploading new videos every day.

There’s seemingly a million graphic designers, a million wannabe filmmakers, a million other, probably more qualified candidates gunning for the same job you want.

And that’s just in the marketplace. In your personal life, the competition can feel equally fierce. In the days of yore, you were just competing against people in your college or church to win the attention of a lady. Now you’re up against every Tom, Dick, and Harry on Tinder. The dating marketplace hypothetically stretches beyond your community to encompass your whole state, maybe even the whole country.

Yes, in both economic and personal spheres, demand seems high, and resources seem scarce. It’s enough to make you decide to give up and not try in the first place.

Yet this feeling of scarcity is just an illusion, a myth.

In truth, there’s never been a more opportune time to live. Not only because it’s never been cheaper and easier to write a book, share your art, or start a business, but because the average person’s ability to execute on the basics has never been in such short supply.

While opportunities to achieve your goals aren’t as scarce as you think, there are areas where true scarcity does exist: in common sense, in social skills, in manners, in reliability. There’s a dearth of people who know, or have the will, to do the stupidly easy stuff to be charming and successful.

Let me give you just one example. Both off the air and on, guests of my podcast will tell me, “I can tell you actually read my book before this interview and I really appreciate that. It’s so rare.” I don’t bring this up to toot my own horn, but rather to point out how ridiculous it is that this might even be something worthy of mention! An interviewer reading someone’s work before asking them questions about it would seem like the barest of bare minimum job requirements — a prerequisite rather than something above and beyond. And yet the majority of podcasters aren’t even taking care of this most basic of basics.

There are tons of people doing what you want to do, but how are they executing? In 90% of cases, not as well as they could be.

That’s your opening. And such openings are absolutely everywhere.

To take advantage of opportunities, people typically concentrate on stuff like building up their resume — going to the best school or getting the right internship. And certainly, these things can help.

But what’s missed is that it’s often doing stupidly easy stuff that’s going to allow you to make friends and land your dream job. It’s doing the stupidly easy stuff that almost no one else is doing that can most readily set you apart from the pack, and up for success.

What is some of that stupidly easy stuff? Below you’ll find a (non-exhaustive) list of the things it’s hard to believe people don’t do more often, and which have a huge ROI because most people can’t be bothered.

1. Send a thank you text when you get home from a nice party/date. In my opinion, this is the #1 easiest and best way to be a more charming texter. Yet almost no one does it. When someone has you over for dinner, or you take someone out on a date, once you part ways, they typically worry a bit as to whether or not you had a good time. And a party host wants to know their effort to throw the shindig was appreciated. So even if you thank your date/host in person at the end of the evening, once you get home, shoot them a confirming text saying, “Thanks again for the delicious dinner. We had such a good time!” Trust me on this, it’s stupidly, stupidly charming.

2. Write handwritten thank you notes, always and often. When an occasion was especially nice, instead of sending a text, write the person a handwritten thank you note and stick it in the mail. And send handwritten thank you notes for anything and everything else. Received a gift? Thank you note. Job interview? Thank you note. Someone helped you move? Thank you note. Someone went to bat for you at work? Thank you note.

Thank you note writing has become such a lost art, and receiving snail mail is so delightful, that sending handwritten appreciation has become one of the most effective ways to set yourself apart from the pack.

3. Edit your emails/texts before sending. No one ever catches all of the spelling and grammatical mistakes contained within their communications, but giving your texts and emails a couple reads before you hit send will tighten things up. These “clean” missives significantly contribute to making a winning digital impression.

4. Know how to make small talk. We spend so much time behind screens, that when we finally meet people face-to-face, our conversation can often be awkward and stilted. But being comfortable with small talk opens a tremendous amount of doors; sure, it starts out with the superficial, but it’s the on-ramp to deeper discussions — the pathway to relationships with potential lovers, new friends, and future employers. Fortunately, once you know the simple methodology that makes small talk flow, it’s easy to master.

5. Don’t be a conversational narcissist. Related to the above. The only kind of talk many people know how to make these days, is about themselves. Someone who knows how to listen and ask good questions comes off as stupidly charming.

6. Don’t look at your phone during a conversation. In an age of scattered attention, a person who can concentrate their attention on you, and fight the urge to look at their phone while you eat or talk — someone who can make you feel like the most important person in the room — is a charmer par excellence.

Can’t seem to pry yourself away? Check out our complete guide to breaking your smartphone habit.

7. Dress well for a job interview. You don’t have to show up to a job interview in a three-piece suit (unless the position calls for it); overdressing can make as poor a first impression as under-dressing. But showing up dressed just one notch above what current employees at the company wear will immediately set you apart from many other candidates. Well-shined shoes, a pressed shirt, and good hygiene will help too.

8. Come to a job interview prepared to ask questions of the interviewer. Whenever we post this article on “10 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview,” HR folks always weigh in with how “amazed” they are at the number of candidates who stare blankly when asked at the end of an interview, “Do you have any questions for us?” Know some questions to ask going in.

9. Take a woman on a real date. In a landscape of “What’s up”? texts and non-committal hang outs, taking a lady on a real date puts you head and shoulders above other suitors. What constitutes a real date? Watch this video and remember the 3 P’s: Planned, Paired Off, and Paid For.

10. Offer a sincere apology when you mess up. My generation seems to struggle with saying “I’m sorry” when they make a mistake. Numerous times I’ve had my order messed up at a restaurant, and when I bring it to the attention of the waiter or manager, they just shrug, say “Okay,” and fix it, without saying, “I’m sorry about that.” Then the other day an order of mine got messed up, and the manager took a totally different tack — comping my whole meal and bringing me a free dessert. That kind of treatment is so rare, it was unbelievably winning. I even found the manager after my meal to tell her so, and let her know I would specifically make an effort to return because of her gesture.

As it goes in the restaurant biz, so it goes with everything else. Most of your fellow employees will just say “Okay” when an error is brought to their attention. Offering a sincere apology that demonstrates you take responsibility and understand where you messed up and how it affects the company, will easily set you apart (so will immediately trying to make it right and preventing it from happening again).

And in your personal life, apologizing when you stumble is stupidly endearing. You’ll probably mess up again, and often with the same issue, but even when you can’t completely overcome your flaws, showing you’re at least completely aware of them goes a long, long way.

11. Follow through. I get a lot of emails from guys who want to do something with the Art of Manliness, like write a guest article or strike up a business partnership. They are excited! They are passionate! They are…MIA. They never follow-up or follow-through on their idea. I’ve often wondered what happens between their excited initial email, and their descent into silence. But whatever it is, it can easily be avoided by those committed to following through.

12. Be reliable. No quality today can more readily set you apart from your peers than reliability. Doing the follow-through just mentioned. Showing up on time (and just plain showing up). Meeting deadlines. Managing expectations and not overpromising. Promptly responding to emails. Keeping your word.

Are freelance graphic designers, artists, video/audio editors, app developers, programmers, contractors, etc. a dime a dozen? Surely. But a reliable creative professional or handyman? A pink unicorn. If you couple talent and skill with reliability, it’s stupidly easy to dominate your competition and your niche.

When you survey the economic and dating markets, they can seem incredibly oversaturated. Demand seems high and resources seem scarce. But when you take a closer look, you’ll find that while there are plenty of people all grasping after the same thing, there are only a few executing well on the attempt. Setting yourself apart isn’t complicated or hard; it often involves simply doing the stupidly easy stuff that everyone else overlooks.

Their obtusity is your gain; see through the myth of scarcity, take care of the basics, and the world is your oyster.

#my links #art of manliness #etiquette #the myth of scarcity

[nobetterthansheshouldbe]

7 great ways to support your friends and neighbours through covid-19 financial crisis. (without referring them to foodbanks)

Tried and tested great ways to support your friends through covid-19 related financial difficulties that they will really appreciate.

We all know someone who financially struggling at the moment. Even if you’re not aware, chances are you do, and that they’re too embarrassed to say. I have spent the majority of my adult life working, making a good life, providing for my family and their future. For me and so many others so many this is in jeopardy. 

There have been over 3 million claims for Universal credit since lockdown. Thousands of small business owners, freelancers, newly self employed, limited company directors and contractors have been left out of government support schemes and their incomes have gone down to ��409.89 a month. 

These are people who’ve worked hard in their careers, they’ve got mortgages and car payments and families depending on them. You know them, they live on your street, your kids play together, you’ve been enjoying Friday night zoom quizzes together. They’re me.

Its hard to know how to help without risking damage to an already crippled ego.   Its actually much harder to accept charity than to give it. UK mental health charity SANE has reported a 200% increase in calls to its helpline since lockdown. Its put many of us into a state of limbo, we can’t get a job in a supermarket, they’re all full, and the UK’s fruit farms have been inundated with applications from Brits (I’ve checked) and of course theres the childcare, with no school, who looks after the kids?

So… if you’re doing OK, and you're still got your job,  here are are ways you can support your friends and neighbours. 

COMMUNICATE:  It sounds obvious but a face to face conversation is a good start. Questions like “How are you?” And “How can I help” will make a world of difference. Mostly people don’t feel comfortable sharing their worries with those closest to them, especially if they’re cooped up in a house together, so bending the ear off a friend can be a huge release. It helps you to determine an appropriate way to help. Don’t just talk about finances though, your beard growing skills deserve a conversation too. 

MONEY: yeh sure money would make a difference but you can’t just post wads of cash through your friends letterbox, that would be weird. Besides, who has money to spare when the world faces the worst recession since the great depression? There are other ways to be supportive, but if you think you might be able to help financially then ask if they would accept it. A good friend of mine knew that my fridge freezer broke last month, and they asked if they could give me some money towards a new one. They didn’t make it weird or go on about how they were doing a good deed, they just gave me and envelope, I thanked them and nothing more was said. 

SUPPORTING THEIR IDEAS: It is highly likely that your friend has had many sleepless nights trying to think of ways to make ends meet. Ideas are born and they can see a glimmer of a silver lining to a very dark cloud. Please support them! Maybe its a total career change like writing online content (ahem..). They could be mowing lawns or renting out a spare room, maybe they’re making the ugliest jewellery you’ve ever seen. Buy it! Hire them! Share their social media page! 

BE MINDFUL OF PERSONAL STRUGGLES: This one really applies to everyone regardless of their financial situation. Adults and children with special needs and mental health issues have had little respite. Again its a difficult subject, as talking about our mental health is as taboo as talking about our finances, but I guarantee that there is someone close to you silently struggling with their mental health.  Take your neighbours kids out for ice cream, ask the single man next door if he would be interested in taking your dog for a walk around the block, play socially distanced frisbee. Make each other laugh.

FEED THEM: Food, it’s a tricky one. Nobody wants to admit they can’t feed their family, but its a harsh reality for many. New figures show that last month demand for food banks was greater than ever – an 89 per cent rise for The Trussell Trust, the UK’s biggest food bank network, while the Independent Food Aid Network, which has around 350 food banks, saw a 175 per cent increase in requests for emergency parcels. Believe me when I say that if someone is struggling to feed their family, then they know all about the local food bank, and that if they haven’t used it already, its up to them to decide when they’re ready to do so. What you can do is take them a good old fashioned lasagne, a shepherds pie, share a socially distanced BBQ once a week. Ask them to sample your bread making attempts or the courgettes you’ve grown in the garden or make room in your freezer by giving them 3 pints of milk you’ve been hoarding in there since March. 

BRIGHTEN THEIR DAY: Treats are great, they’re a bit naughty and self indulgent and they make us happy. Every now and then my neighbour leaves a bottle of beer on my doorstep, its a luxury I can’t afford and today an anonymous giant bar of dairy milk arrived in the post much to my children's (any my) delight. Its the little things that we used to take for granted that are missed the most. They don’t cost much but if your friend is cutting costs then treats are the first things to go. 

DO SOME RESEARCH: Charities that have emergency relief funds but their resources are running low, so they’re a great place to donate to. A lot of local charities aren’t brilliant at online marketing so they take a bit of searching for. Ask at your local council and citizens advice or tourist information, its easier to ask for someone else than it is for yourself. However, and I say this from experience, don’t give them your friends name, its not your place, just gather the information and then hand it over. Also, and I can’t believe this needs to be said but, don’t talk about it in front of their children. “Mummy are we poor?” is a heartbreaking thing to hear.

Writing this has made be realise how lucky I am to have such a great community of friends. I feel supported and valued and best of all I know we can get through this together. Listen to your friends, find out what you can do to support them and do it discretely. They’re your friend, and thats why you’re trying to help. It makes you a good friend too.

#covid-19 #friendship #poverty #helpingpeople #thank you for caring #hardtimes #uk politics #mutual aid #coronavirus

[mimmerr]

Key workers, militant cowards, vital frontline staff: how the country viewed teachers during the pandemic.

It is obvious to say that the pandemic has been a difficult time for the public sector. First and formally, frontline NHS and care home staff have dealt with the horrifying human effects of the pandemic; a day does not pass without a bleak photo of a hospital ward or an interview with an exhausted team member. And we are blessed to have these people persevere all day, all night, to keep our loved ones alive.The pandemic has also brought to light other key workers on which our country depends: supermarket staff, refuse collectors and transport workers. Yet I would not say I hear these places of employment discussed with as much frequency and vitriol as schools and teachers are. I have probably lost some support with that last sentence. Here’s another teacher again, moaning about how hard everything is. I implore you to step back with me and unpick how you’ve come to that conclusion and then consider how I have reached mine.

March 2020, the pandemic has reached its first wave. After weeks of parents refusing to send their children to school, in addition to union and expert pressure, schools shut to all children except the vulnerable and those of key workers. Headlines reflect the resistance to do, using words like ‘forced’ and ‘Now it’s the schools’. Others comment on the government’s lack of support and guidance for leaders. However, community spirit is strong. People clap for the NHS every Thursday and we are reminded of both the fragility of life and what it means to be human: arguing with your family about one left sock on the floor and so on. The education sector is thanked repeatedly by the Prime Minister, Education secretary and companies (in the form of discounts etc) for their services.

June arrives. A selection of year groups are invited back to school. Unions, heads and councils argue with the decision and some parents do not send their children back at all. The Daily Mail’s headline reads, ‘Let Our Teachers Be Heroes’ and describes the unions as ‘militant’, espousing a dichotomy between unions and teachers. 

Whereas in reality, the union is made of and led by teachers. Secondly, the use of ‘heroes’ to describe those returning to school acknowledges that there is some danger to heroically overcome. Moreover, an unwillingness to return to a class of children from different households, who are unable to socially distance, is the antithesis of heroic: it’s cowardly or selfish. 

Skip forward to September, schools are open to all.  A piece of normality is back, albeit covered in antibacterial spray, hand soap and wrapped in a bubble. School communities on the whole, although wary, are prepared and delighted.

Unfortunately a few months later, cases rise and everything begins to shut down again: pubs, leisure centres and non-essential shops. Schools are open but many partially shut, sending home year group or class bubbles in response to positive test results. There are calls for school closures before Christmas so staff and children are not told to self-isolate over Christmas, which at this point allows for household mixing. This does not materialise and for many staff it does not matter; those in tier 4 were now unable to mix households over the Christmas period.

New Year arrives and the peak is dangerously rising. Schools shut for two weeks in highly affected areas. Those in less affected areas go back in January to be told the next day they shut for the half term. This is where perhaps the biggest shift in narrative occurs. It is at this point that seemingly, every morning, on every TV and radio show, there is a debate between whether schools should open or shut. Often, one voice is of a stressed parent, quite rightly concerned about their child’s education, which has already been affected so much by this pandemic. The other voice is of a staff member or another parent’s, who worries about them or their child catching the virus or transmitting it to a more vulnerable family member. There are complaints about individual school practices such as unclear and inconsistent messaging regarding home learning and closure. I cannot and do not wish to spend my time defending ineffective school leadership. However, I would stress that some schools were told overnight to prepare for remote learning the next day and secondly, that schools who were aware of a fortnightly lockdown were told during their annual leave and had to prepare accordingly. There are definitely other jobs where there’s an expectation that work may affect annual leave but certainly not many. I’d also like to highlight that in all places of work, there will be ineffective management, but this is rarely applicable to other similar establishments. To put it crudely, we can accept that one bad experience with a doctor does not necessarily mean the whole practice is terrible and by extension, the NHS. One school’s poor management of remote learning does not mean all remote learning is poor and consequently, schools should stay open.

At this time and throughout the pandemic, there are inputs from the media, government and OFSTED, reiterating that schools are the best place for children and that school closures should be used as a last resort. This argument is obviously true. I doubt you will find a teacher that will suggest otherwise. However, the argument is also reliant on emotional response rather than conscious, encompassing reasoning. We know that schools can have hundreds of people inside from many different households. We know that younger pupils and those with SEND may not be able to socially distance or follow extra hygiene practices effectively. We know as teachers, that we usually have to work closely with children to read their work and teach them new skills. We now know that for some teachers the infection rate for COVID is 333% higher than the general population. Arguing for school closure is not cowardly, selfish disobedience, it’s self and community defense against a deadly virus. This cannot be pitted against children’s education and well being because it is also incredibly important yet is somehow footnoted. 

In recent weeks, the narrative has again shifted, mirroring the one of the first lockdown: one of community spirit and support. The education secretary advised parents to complain to OFSTED should they have concerns regarding home learning. In response, parents sent over five thousand emails of thanks and praise for teacher’s hard work. 

Evidence of school infections linking to community infection is growing supporting the previous concerns over school reopening and lessening room for debate on whether schools are safe. Consequently, there are hopes for teachers to be vaccinated in the second phase of rollout. 

We came together to thank teachers alongside other key workers but it wasn’t long until they were blamed, rather than COVID, for school closures. When people are scared and worried, it can be all too easy to find someone to blame, rather than see them as a person with the same fears and anxieties. We must empathise with each other. To parents, I would say to not see unions or their members as the reason for closure, see them as people who want to keep teachers and children safe. We are also someone’s children. I would implore teachers to do everything they can to support parents struggling with home learning at home and to make sure learning is accessible as possible: they are not to blame for gaps in their children’s learning - they are not teachers. And together, we must not forget that school staff are on the front line, with many giving their lives as a result of being in school. Let’s put an end to oppositional vitriol. We want children back in school but let’s all now agree that can only happen if school staff are protected.

#education

[afoolforatook]

A RWBY V7 Ep12 rant.....When I say this is long..... Legit was fucking 37 pages double spaced at one point. Sorry....

Before this gets started I want to warn you, this is long (even longer than I thought it’d be going in). It’s probably too long ... actually it is definitely too long but if I agonize over editing it down again and again I won’t get it up before the finale. It’s probably repetitive at times, and most certainly not anything I’ll be showing off as an example of my top essay writing. And I want to be able to say that the length pays off because I have some grand hopeful insight at the end. I want to say I know things will be okay. But the fact that I can’t is exactly why I’m writing this, and why it’s so long. So if you need this to have a hopeful ending, I’m sorry, I don’t have one for you currently. I want to, so badly. But to me false hope would be even worse.  So if you can’t handle another long post that doesn’t end with a way to fix things, it’s okay, take care of yourself. But maybe the most hopeful thing I can tell you, and tell you up front, is that you aren’t alone in your pain. 

I want to preface this all with one more thing: I don’t hate CRWBY. I respect them, support them. I’ve wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt as much as I could.  That doesn’t mean I can’t criticize them or expect more from them or just be plain angry with them. I can be vocal about all of that without harassing them, without hating them. I don’t think they’re just plain evil or homophobic. I still want to believe that they can do things that will allow me to trust them again. Maybe it’s naive, but I want to, at the very least, still have hope that this wasn’t malicious, just very poorly conceived and executed. 

And I know that other people who are hurting like me are lashing out towards CRWBY. And while I don’t at all condone that kind of reaction, I can understand it to an extent. Because I’m very, very hurt and angry and it would be so easy to let loose and say all the awful stuff I want to in my anger. To yell and call people out and not care how I come across. It would definitely be a lot easier than spending all week writing this long thing and agonizing over making it perfect. There is nothing wrong with venting and being raw and open and angry, but just as we want CRWBY to be aware that their actions can truly hurt people, we need to be conscious of the fact that so can ours.  Many people are very hurt right now. And whether or not you think it was queerbaiting/BYG or not, or even whether or not you just think it was bad writing, no one has the right to invalidate the people who are hurting right now, many of whom are queer people dealing with personal traumas and mental illness. 

The few people who are attacking CRWBY and other fans (and there is a difference between being angry and vocal about that anger and just attacking them) do not invalidate the hurt people are feeling. If you are hurt or angry you have every right to be. You have every right to stop watching the show or leave the fandom, or communicate your hurt to CRWBY. But communicate means just that; communicate. Talk. You can be as angry as you are, you don’t have to temper your pain to be more tolerable to the people who caused that pain. But there is a difference between being harsh and honest about how hurt you are, and harassing real people. And I won’t say “harassing real people over a fictional character/show” because I know it’s more complicated than that. My hurt this past week isn’t over a fictional character or a ship. It’s about me and what I’ve been through and the fact that the very thing that gave me strength in hard times was turned into something that confirmed my biggest fears and hurt me immensely. 

The world always gets so sentimental when we see things about fictional stories giving people some comfort, and we celebrate that. But as soon as people say they can be hurt just as much by media, we lash out, say they’re overreacting, that they’re just getting upset over fictional characters. But you can’t have it both ways. We can’t want fiction to be important and inspiring to people and then belittle people who are negatively impacted by the same material, especially when often that vulnerability comes from a history of trauma and/or being neurodivergent. I am extremely hurt. I feel betrayed and abandoned and angry. And it will take time for me to process all of that and move past it. But I can be all of those things without attacking CRWBY or the people who might disagree with me. 

To me, this isn’t about disagreeing. We can argue forever about whether or not this was queerbaiting or bury your gays or poor writing (and I honestly at this moment don’t even know what I think about all of that because I’m not in that headspace currently) but the fact is that there are many, many people who feel it was, and who are hurting because of that, and whether you believe it was or not does not give you the right to invalidate the real pain that they are feeling.  Who is right is less important than the fact that people, people who were already vulnerable, have been hurt. So, please. Respect each other. Respect those who are hurting. Respect those who aren’t and don’t understand, and respect CRWBY. You can still be angry and speak out without attacking others. 

With that said, to fully understand why this has affected me so much, and why it’s going to take a long time for me to get back to where I was, regardless of how the volume ends, there are things you need to know about my history. It’s a lot of background and this is already going to be a longer post than I’d really like, but it’s important to understanding why RWBY is so important to me, and thus able to have such a negative effect on me. So please, bear with me. Also, fair warning, though at this point it’s probably obvious, but my story isn’t happy. I still haven’t found my own positive ending to it. If it’s too much for you to read right now, please, like I said before, take care of yourself. 

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Farley. I’m 24, nonbinary (they/them), biromantic, demisexual. I have MDD, GAD, ADHD, Panic Disorder, OCD, Comorbid PTSD, and am trying to get an official autism diagnosis. I’m a full on alphabet soup. I struggle with imposter syndrome, intrusive thoughts, self-isolation, dermatillomania, and multiple trauma related phobias. My queer and neurodivergent identities are huge parts of my life and I try to be as open as possible about them, in the hopes of helping end the stigma around them. One of the main ways I cope with my mental health issues on a day to day basis is through hyperfixations. While it might not technically be the healthiest method, it’s what I’ve found to work for me when I’m in a really bad place and unable to practice more active coping skills. Through stories and characters that I relate to, I can separate my problems from myself a little and both escape from them for a while when needed, and view them a little more clearly from a new perspective.  

That’s some important info about me, but what really matters here is the past five years of my life and the trauma within them. 

In October of 2015, a few months into my sophomore year of college, I went into a deep depression, mostly brought on by multiple family deaths and stresses over the past summer that I had not properly had time to process and recover from. I quit my job as an RA and withdrew from school and moved back home with my parents.  While this was the right decision at the time, it wasn’t easy. I left a very close group of friends at school, and didn’t really have a strong support system at home aside from my parents. My friends from high school had all gone off to college themselves, and the few that still lived in town were often busy with work or school. And because I have an intense fear of driving and needed time to get myself in a better place before starting a job, I ended up spending most of my time home alone. I became more and more isolated, to the point of verging on agoraphobic, and my parents and I started thinking about ways I could basically get my life started again. 

 But isolation messes with your head, and makes you want to just isolate more and more. In mid February of 2016 I started to really work on being social again. Mostly because I started talking to my best friend from high school, Emma, regularly again. She knew I was struggling, and while I’ve always had a hard time keeping in touch with people, Emma has always been the person I never felt self conscious about going to. We talked everyday. After high school, Emma’s mom and younger brother had moved to Ohio (I live in NC) and Emma had gone to school in Oregon. Her father lives in Germany. So between visiting her family in Ohio and Germany she didn’t have a lot of time during breaks to come back to NC to visit friends. Since we graduated I’d only seen her once for about 12 hours during that awful summer. But now we were skyping and chatting everyday. And slowly I started to be less and less scared of being more social. I wanted to hang out with friends. I was excited about going back to school in the fall. 

Something important to understand about me and Emma is how close we’ve always been. We’d been best friends since 8th grade. We told each other we were soulmates, soulfriends, when we were 15. Nearly everyone in our small high school thought we were dating at one time or another. I always knew I loved her. I was fine with our relationship being “only” platonic. Because platonic wasn’t “only”. It was absolutely perfect. It was having her as one of the most important people in my life, and me in hers, and that’s all I wanted. But I also knew that if she ever wanted to try a romantic relationship, I’d be open. 

Around the time I left school Emma had been going through a lot herself. She was finally getting help for her own mental health issues and she was, for the first time, really thinking about her identity and sexuality. On May 4th 2016 she texted me like always, but this time she was nervous. She wanted to tell me something. She said she was still confused about her sexuality and didn’t know where she fell. But when she tried to think of being with someone, the only person she pictured was me. And I told her basically what I just told you. So we started talking about testing out us being a couple. She had already been planning to come to NC to visit after she went to Ohio later that month for her brother’s high school graduation. And my parents were going on a two week vacation around that time as well. So we decided that she would come and stay with me for two weeks. We would keep this to ourselves until then, so that we could see if this was really the best thing for us. And if so, then we’d tell people. We’d always talked about living together after school, but now we wanted to see exactly what we wanted our relationship to be. She bought a bus ticket for May 26th and would stay through June 10th or so, which would mean she’d be there for her 20th birthday on June 5th. We talked everyday about our plans for her visit. How excited we were, how we could cook dinner together and dance around the house in our underwear, and just get to be Us again. We talked to friends, planning to visit friends from high school and maybe even my friends from college.

On May 18th I texted Emma around 11 pm. I hadn’t heard from her all day which was unusual but she was in Ohio celebrating her mom’s birthday and getting ready for her brother’s graduation that weekend, so she was probably just busy. We’d told each other goodnight every night for months at that point. So I told her I loved her and was so excited to see her in just over a week.

The next morning it was a bit odd that she still hadn’t texted me back but again, I just assumed she was busy with family. And then the mail came, and the last part of a birthday present I was making for her arrived. So I got to work, giddy. 

Around 2 pm my other best friend from high school, Juli, called me. For some reason I decided I’d just call her back later, I was too engrossed in making Emma’s present. About 20 minutes later I heard a knock on my door and turned to see my parents standing in the doorway to my room. I vividly remember spinning around happily and saying “Hey! Everything okay?” even as I noticed the tears on my dad’s face and how pale my mom was. My stomach knotted and I stood as my mom said “N-no. Honey…..” and walked towards me. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her to say that a grandparent or aunt or uncle had died. But as she got closer and put a shaking hand on my shoulder, I got a little more confused, a different kind of scared. One of my cousins? One of my baby cousins?  

Nothing could have prepared me for her telling me that there’d been an accident in Ohio. That Emma, and her mom, and her brother, and her aunt had been in a crash…. And that all four of them had been killed on impact. The only thing I remember about the rest of the night is the pain of continuously screaming, punching the wall until my dad stopped me, and calling my friends from college, trying to have someone to talk to, someone who I could call who wouldn’t also be mourning. I couldn’t handle my own grief, let alone anyone else’s at that moment. 

There’s a lot more to that story. There’s the memorial service in Ohio and meeting her dad and stepmom for the first time. There’s the service we put together at our high school and seeing our friend group all together again, except not. There’s the panic attacks every time I saw a garbage truck, or my parents drove off to work. 

But most importantly for what you need to know right now, is my sliding back into isolation. I barely ever saw my friends from home and every time I did for the next two years it had something to do with mourning Emma. I saw my college friends a few times; them coming to visit or me taking a bus to stay the weekend. But eventually they went back to school and I stayed at home. I drifted away from high school friends because I didn’t know how to handle being with them when everything we did together reminded me of what I’d lost. I didn’t know how to talk to them because I needed their support but knew I didn’t have it in me to be supportive of them, and that wasn’t fair. I drifted away from my college friends for the same reasons, and even more so as the group dynamic that I had left slowly changed and faded until I didn’t know who was talking to who anymore and I again felt bad for dumping my shit on them when I couldn’t do the same. I began to think that all I brought to any social interaction was my pain and hopelessness. I would just bring everyone else down. They shouldn’t have to deal with my pain. So a year after I left school I was even more alone. I’d lost or pushed away all the people in my life that I’d expected to be lifelong friends, family. And I didn’t know how to begin to fix that. I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t know if I deserved to. 

The only reason I was even still alive was because anytime I even got close to thinking about hurting myself, I could just sense Emma glaring at me, yelling at me, telling me that I couldn’t let this stop me from living out all those dreams we’d talked about. And I knew that my life wasn’t just mine anymore, that all those dreams, that bond, the parts of my favorite person that only I knew, would be lost if I died. 

But I didn't have my friends to vent to, and as supportive as my parents were (I’d told them and a few close friends about me and Emma that first terrible week) I needed friends. But I didn’t know how to reconnect and I was too scared to go out and meet new people, especially knowing that at some point I’d have to drop the “dead girlfriend” bomb on them, and who’d want to stick around after that?  So I tried to use media and hyperfixations to pull myself out of spirals, like I always had. But it was hard. Because most of the things that had been comforting before were all things I’d shared with Emma, and so now they were just more reminders of her absence. And even new things I found soon turned rotten because I couldn’t help but think about how I wish I could show it to Emma. Everything that made me happy for even a moment would pretty soon make me sad. 

Eventually I found things that comforted me and helped me be creative again and that led me to starting school again, nearly three years after I’d left, at SCAD.  I loved the classes. I wanted to be there. I’ve always been a fiction writer but now there was so much in my head that I needed to get out, to process, and to share with people, especially people like me dealing with an unimaginable grief. Those past few years had been made even more difficult by the lack of representation I found in grief material. Everything was either about grieving the elderly, not someone who’d barely even gotten to live. Or if it was about someone young it was due to suicide or disease or violence; in other words things that at the very least, left the grieving with some cause to care about, or something to be angry at, some real world outlet. I didn’t have that. I didn’t relate to that. And even harder was finding anything I could relate to that included the complexities that my queer identity put on my grief; there were people I could and couldn’t tell about our relationship. Did I say I lost my best friend or my girlfriend? What if her family didn’t approve and wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t let me have any of her things, wouldn’t want me around? And one of the biggest things I kept thinking those first few months; why had my life become a ‘bury your gays’ soap opera plot line. Was Emma supposed to just be my tragic backstory now? Was I just supposed to use this as angsty fodder for the rest of my life? What about her? What about her dreams, her potential? What about her progress? She’d just gotten to a place where she was accepting herself. Where she was overcoming her mental health issues, where she was proud of who she was. Why was I allowed to keep going and she wasn’t?  I couldn’t find any support for these feelings. Not books or groups or forums. So I decided to make them myself. I started writing and drawing, putting together what I called my Grief Scrapbook. I was working towards the thing that mattered to me more than anything; telling our story. I was getting the chance to create the content I’d so desperately needed. 

But I was still alone, even at school. I was 23 living with mostly 18/19 year olds. And while there wasn’t anything wrong with them, I was struggling with a strong sense of dissociation. Everywhere I looked I saw Emma, forever 19. And there I was, continuing to age and getting further and further away from her. 

My first year at SCAD I made two friends, and while I love them, they didn’t fulfill the hole left by the large close knit groups of friends I’d lost. I tried to get back in touch with my best friend from college, only to find that she was no longer talking to me. And I don’t blame her really. Yes I’d been going through things, but so had she, and I hadn’t been able to be a good friend for her. So if she needed to move on for her own good, no matter how sad that made me, she had every right to do what was best for her, just as I had been trying to do. 

I’m now in my second year at SCAD and recently started hanging out with a new group. And they’re great and I’m slowly feeling more confident and secure around them, but I still struggle. I still miss the relationships I held so dear, the relationships I let dissolve. I still worry I’ll never have that kind of connection with people again, and that if I do somehow manage to find it, I’ll mess it up again.  Some days are particularly rough, when I sit with my thoughts too long, or see something that reminds me of any one of the many people I miss, and I ache for the happiness I had. And it’s those moments when I turn to hyperfixations (I do promise this is getting to RWBY). 

This past February the final How To Train Your Dragon movie came out. The HTTYD franchise holds a very dear place in my heart, as it was my main hyperfixation during high school, and something I shared with Emma and other friends. The second film came out the day of my graduation. It was the last movie Emma and I saw together before she moved to Ohio and then went to school in Oregon. It was the last movie we saw together at all. I knew it was going to be very emotional for me to see the final movie, alone now. But I had to see it opening night. And (spoilers for The Hidden World I guess) the movie ended up being about the reality of having to let go of the important people from your childhood as you grow up. About dealing with the fact that sometimes the people you expected to always be a part of your life, aren’t. I loved the movie, but it destroyed me. A few months later I had to get through May, the 3rd anniversary, away from home for the first time. And it was extremely difficult. I’d had to take a break from HTTYD and process things. 

So my main hyperfixations weren’t helping me get through a really difficult time. But around the time HTTYD 3 came out I happened to get back into RWBY. I’d watched the first season or so when it first came out, but then had just kind of forgotten about it. And so, in the absence of HTTYD, I got caught up. And I can’t say there weren’t things that hurt, that made me have to take a moment and collect myself.  Watching the end of volume three, watching Pyrrha and Jaune finally kiss, and then watch their relationship die with her before they even had a chance to be together, hit way too close to home. Logically I should have projected on Jaune more than I did but I think I couldn’t, because it wasn’t just similar, it felt like I was literally watching the worst moment of my life play out. He was too much like me to handle. But there was Qrow. And at first I just kind of latched onto him because I liked him. I like his characterization, his design, and I was a fan of V*c ( I hate to even mention him here for fear of causing a totally different discourse, but Emma and I were big fans of his and high school and met him and when everything happened with him it was just another thing that felt like a good memory of Emma had been tainted.)  

And so I was watching while the last half of volume six was airing. And I was watching Qrow slip further and further into his depression. I watched as he felt betrayed by Oz after grieving him and then getting him back. I thought more about how he’d basically lost his sister, about how he’d grieved for Summer (regardless of whether it was platonic or romantic), how he lost hope in having strong relationships ever again. How he felt cursed and how he pushed people away to protect them and himself from more pain. I saw how the Apathy affected him and how close he was to giving in before Ruby and Weiss snapped him out of it. I saw him struggle to get himself back together for Ruby and the rest of the kids, but not know how. I saw every single fear I’d struggled with those past few years in him. I related to Qrow more than I’d ever expected to. And so my hyperfixation on RWBY grew. His addiction was my isolation. His insecurities of hurting others and thus pushing them away was my fear that for the rest of my life, I would be alone because I was always going to be too broken to be worthy of friends and love. 

And then everything happened with V*c and for a bit everything hurt again and I had to get away from RWBY and the toxicity within parts of the fandom. And when I was able to come back I was excited but worried. I hoped that Qrow would continue to develop, continue to progress alongside me, that I would like his new actor enough to finish healing the sting I’d felt over V*c.  I just wanted Qrow back, I wanted this character to be there to help me again.

Because Qrow Branwen gave me hope. He gave me hope that I could get better. He gave me hope that even with my insecurities and trauma, something I’ll never be fully free from, I can deserve people who care about me, and that there are actually people who will care about me. He gave me hope that good things can still happen to broken people. And not just people who were once broken and have healed, but people who are still figuring out how to heal, who know they will never fully heal, but also know they still are worthy of support and care. And then volume 7 started and I got more than I’d ever dreamed. 

There was the hug with Ironwood. And even though I shipped Ironqrow, the idea of there being a romantic aspect to that hug wasn’t what made it important. It was the fact that we got Qrow connecting with an old ally (and an adult), finding that he even still had an old ally. That despite everything that had happened with Oz and Lionheart, despite all the trust he’d had broken, maybe he wasn’t actually alone yet. And then we got Clover. I’ll admit I was wary of him at first. I was worried about the traitor theories, the death theories, and then the theories that he’d negatively affect Qrow, making him feel worse about his semblance. But then he grew on me so quickly. Because he smiled at Qrow. He got him to talk about himself, called him out when he was putting himself down, told him how well he was doing. And while it’s wasn’t because of Clover, he was sober, and Clover had to at the very least help him stay that way. Qrow was hunching less when he walked, opening up, being more vulnerable and social. He was smiling, laughing, making jokes. He had a steady partner that he trusted and worked well with, likely for the first time since team STRQ. And yes, I shipped them, but honestly while I would have still been disappointed if it was never canon, given how blatant it really seemed like it could be, it would ultimately have been okay. Because again, it was less about Qrow finding love and more about him finding support.   And then I saw Qrow and Clover and Robyn team up, and whether it was canon or just fandom I felt represented. Not just in the way I had with Qrow about my mental health, but as a queer person struggling with complicated grief; the exact thing I had never been able to find and had taken upon myself to create for others. I saw Qrow being loved (again, whether platonic or romantic isn’t as important) and healing. Even if Fairgame never actually happened, I could still see them as queer characters helping each other process trauma. And maybe I set myself up in a bubble part of the fandom that fully convinced me that Fairgame was possible, but at the very least I truly, undoubtedly thought that Clover would side with Qrow. 

And as I watched episode 12, I could feel my stomach sinking. Okay Clover didn’t side with Qrow at first, but maybe he’ll come around. Okay maybe he won’t come around, but maybe he’ll take Qrow in and they’ll have time to talk, maybe even with Ironwood. But then Clover abandons the ship, abandons Qrow and I was scrambling even more for hope that things would be okay.  Maybe he’s trying to get away to diffuse things. But then “Never pegged you for the manipulative type” the first sign of Qrow doubting their entire relationship, of feeling betrayed again. And then Clover calls Qrow cynical? Maybe I’m forgetting something, cause I haven’t gone back and analyzed every scene with them, but I can’t remember Qrow ever being cynical around Clover this volume that we’ve seen. Self-deprecating yes, but this is legitimately the happiest and most secure we’ve ever seen Qrow. But okay maybe they’ll reason and Clover will come around. But then “We don’t have to fight, friend.” and it’s friend not Qrow. And then “You don’t know my friends. That’s how it always goes.” and I broke. I almost stopped there, a part of me wishes I had. Because it was already so broken, this thing that had even in the past few weeks, been a main pillar of hope for me. But maybe they’ll come together to fight Tyrian. And then Qrow goes after Tyrian and Clover keeps attacking Qrow. Well maybe he’s really trying to protect him, or has some plan. But then they continue to fight each other. And they don’t have even a moment of “who’s the bigger threat here? Us or the serial killer?” And then Qrow works with Tyrian?! Tyrian the serial killer? Tyrian the unstable maniac? Tyrian who tried to take Ruby? Tyrian who nearly killed Qrow? Tyrian who fucking worships Salem, who Qrow has spent most of his life fighting, has lost Summer to, and countless other traumas? (and I get the possible reasons, realizing that Clover won’t lay off of him so Tyrian is his best bet and then he can take care of Tyrian, but I still don’t like it. But this isn’t even about whether or not I think it’s good writing or characterization and it’s too long already to get into that.) And then Tyrian and Qrow fight so well together and I honestly felt sick. We haven’t seen Qrow work that well with anyone. Not RWBY, not Ironwood, not Clover.  And now we see it with fucking Tyrian? And maybe it’s a stretch but it honestly felt like another nail in the “Qrow attracts bad” coffin that is his insecurities. Qrow and Tyrian fight nearly perfectly together and it felt so damn wrong. Clover’s wrong here, Qrow’s wrong here, and it all feels so very very wrong based on the entire progression of their relationship throughout the volume. And then Qrow takes down Clover’s aura and I’m just empty.  There’s no hint of him trying to just beat Clover and not kill him. He has no reason to think that Tyrian won’t actually go for the kill during this fight. But they continue to have these snippets of “We don’t have to fight” or “I want to trust you” while showing no signs of holding back and still caring about the other’s well being. And then Qrow’s voice breaking during “Why couldn’t you just do the right thing…”. We’ve literally never seen Qrow this emotionally compromised, let alone during a fight. He’s crumbling because he finally had someone who made him think he could get better, that he could have close relationships, that he could be good for the people around him. And now he’s losing it. 

I was broken here, I was already spiraling. I knew Clover would get hit. I knew I would be struggling to deal with this episode because I had so fully expected a different course. But I thought there could still be hope. There had to still be hope. CRWBY wouldn’t give us all that development, wouldn’t show Qrow finally happy without leaving some hope for things turning around in the finale. He’d get hit by Tyrian’s stinger and Qrow would have to work to save him and they’d work things out. But then “I trust James with my life… and I wanted to trust you.” And I’m sobbing. Because I get it, Clover’s loyal, but when Qrow’s face hardens I know what he’s thinking. What he’s trying not to think but it’s so hard to fight: “Maybe it is me. Maybe I can’t be trusted. Maybe I’ve ruined things again”. Even though he knows what James is doing is wrong. But he trusted James, he trusted Clover. And he thought they trusted, cared for him. And now they’ve both turned against him and no matter how much he knows he’s doing the right thing, he can’t help but worry that he’s still the thing broken here, that he still messed up somewhere and ruined the relationships he needed so much. I was breaking more and more as I watched this source of my own hope lose all hope. 

And then Harbinger. The weapon Qrow built himself. That he modeled after his hero. The literal extension of his soul. And only moments before, Qrow destroyed the one thing that might have protected Clover. Clover’s emblem falls. Tyrian with “Like you killed Clover”. And yeah yeah Qrow being framed is heartbreaking. But it’s more that he’ll believe it. He did. He fucked everything up again. He tried so hard to do the right thing and still managed to hurt the person he cared about. And if Clover, the foil to his bad luck, could be destroyed by his semblance, how does anyone else stand a chance? And then blaming James. Swearing to make him pay (I honestly don’t remember if he says make him pay or kill him but I physically can’t rewatch that scene to see which it was). And yes he blames James. He hates James. It was the last straw breaking on someone he wanted to trust so much, wanted to have as a friend. But he still blames himself. He still knows he’s cursed and all the progress he’d made with Clover’s help is ripped away. 

And then “Good luck”. I’ve seen people saying it’s sweet, that it’s a moment of reconciliation, of Clover showing he still cares. And I don’t necessarily disagree. But I hate it. Because Qrow won’t take it that way. It’s just another reminder that good luck is out of his reach. And then the goddamn sky and the bi flag colors. And then we see Qrow cry for the first time. And then…. The scream…. I literally nearly vomited and that was the thing that sent me over the edge into full blown panic attack. Because I know that fucking scream. I know how it feels. I hear it ringing in my ears, I feel my throat getting raw. I could hear and see and feel myself in the same position. The nightmare I’d fought off for years; kneeling over Emma’s body and there being nothing I can do but scream and scream as the last of the hope I was clutching to faded with her… with Clover’s eyes.

It wasn’t that Clover died. It wasn’t that my ship won’t happen. It was how traumatizing it was. It was that Harbinger was now defiled. It was that Qrow set it up to happen. It was the sky. It was seeing the light go out of Clover’s eyes. It was Qrow’s scream. We’ve never seen a death like this on RWBY before. Yes we watched Pyrrha’s death. But there was no blood. We didn’t see her bleed out. We didn’t see the exact moment the light left her eyes. We saw Adam stabbed and some bleeding and then hitting the rocks, but we weren’t right there, seeing the exact moment of his death close up. If Clover had been stung by Tyrian and died I’d be upset still, and many of the issues I have would still be relevant. But using Harbinger like that, playing directly into Qrow’s own insecurities like that, after having him do things that felt extremely out of character in order to set things up for Tyrian to kill Clover like that and blame Qrow? It felt vile. 

It didn’t just feel like bad writing or different narrative choices. Hell, it didn’t even just feel OOC. It felt malicious. It felt like twisting established plot and characterisation completely in order to make it fit some tragic climax that was only chosen because it would have the biggest emotional impact, not because it was the best way to continue the plot. And they can’t say that they didn’t expect people to be so attached to Clover. Because if they didn’t expect that to be so emotional for viewers, then why do it like that in the first place? Why put in the climatic cinematic shot that mirrors when Yang lost her arm? Why have Qrow screaming over Clover’s body be the final shot?  If Clover was never meant to have significance to both Qrow and fans, why make his death so painful? They can’t say that they didn’t know fans would get so invested at the same time that they say that it was necessary to make it that traumatic. It’s not that you can’t kill off beloved characters, no matter how long they’ve been in the show. But if you do, it’s got to feel important, it’s got to feel necessary, and it’s got to make sense for those characters, or else it just feels like you’re playing with peoples’ emotions for no reason other than shock factor. 

I’ve seen a bunch of theories and discourse. Arguments over whether or not it’s queerbaiting or bury your gays. Over whether or not it’s bad writing or out of character. And I’m sure I’ll eventually have a stronger, more thought out opinion on that, but right now I can’t even get there. 

I’ve seen theories as to why CRWBY did this, why it’s important to the plot. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’ll be just as surprised in a good way next week as I was in a traumatic way this week. But it will take a lot, and I will still need time to recover and dig myself back out of my own intrusive thoughts that saw this episode and rejoiced because “See!? See, good things can’t happen! You’ll always lose whatever good you find. You’ll always ruin whatever good you find.” And none of the theories I’ve seen make that better. Maybe they’ll bring Clover back with the Staff of Creation or some other method: doesn’t matter, the damage is still done. Qrow still is betrayed and traumatized. And even if Clover came back and Ironwood realized he was wrong and stopped, even if everything went back to exactly what it was, Qrow still would have lost all the progress he made this season. Because even if everything was fixed, Qrow would still have to fight down the newly boosted fear that everything will fall apart again. And similarly even if I come back to RWBY and things are good, I will still have a hard time trusting the show, and will still have to climb my way out of a hole I had just gotten out of, except this time I won’t have the comfort of RWBY to help me. 

Or maybe Clover won’t come back and Qrow will relapse and try to kill Ironwood and lose his mind like the scarecrow he is. And what will that do but reinforce the fear and idea that “broken” people can’t escape their vices? That they’ll always come back to pain. Yes, it’s important to show that people can relapse and still get better, that relapse doesn’t mean all hope is lost. But there’s a difference between a relapse and new trauma that directly undercuts all the progress you’ve made. That’s not inspirational, it’s exhausting. Yes, you can come back again, but what about the next time and the next and the next? When will you just get to be secure in your happiness without worrying that at any moment you’ll thrown back to square one?

If it turns out there’s some great plot point this creates, some big revelation that fixes things, I still think it wasn’t done properly. Fine, have that, have that pain. But don’t end on that and leave people for a week. It’s not about it being a cliffhanger. It’s about people who are traumatized being abandoned. (Again, I’m not even getting into how, if this did happen, how episode 12 would still feel off from a characterization standpoint and whether or not it was poor writing. It’s an analysis I can’t currently do.)

And maybe my least favorite theory and the one that I might see as most likely; that Qrow won’t relapse. That he won’t completely lose it and instead Clover’s death and influence will be what keeps him going. Because yeah, that sounds great, that sounds heroic and strong and like the progress that came from knowing Clover did make a difference. But it feels wrong in this instance. Qrow’s had that. He’s had loss that hurt him but he kept going to finish something or honor them. He kept going after Summer died. He kept going for Ruby and Yang and Tai. If he didn’t have that, why would he have kept going when things were so bad? But Qrow doesn’t need that again. He doesn’t need another pain to spur him on. He needs support. He needs proof that his hard work, his struggle, has been worth it and that he still has allies. And not just the kids. Because as much as he respects them, as much as he believes in them and their abilities as hunters, he’s still protective of them, they still aren’t on an equal level. He still feels responsible for them. And that’s good for him, but he needs adults too. He needs people who aren’t his responsibility. He needs adults who can call him out on his shit. He needs adults he can lean on, who can take care of him. And now who does he have? Summer is gone. Raven is gone. Tai is back at home. Oz is gone. Lionheart betrayed him. James has now betrayed him. Winter has sided with James and might not be alive much longer? Robyn is there, but also hurt, and we haven’t seen anything to suggest that they are particularly close. And now Clover is dead. Clover, the only person we have ever seen Qrow let his guard down around like we did this season.

And it’s not that the “Staying alive for the person you’ve lost” is a bad plot line, and if I’d trust any show to do it I would’ve thought it’d be RWBY. But I can tell you from fucking experience, forcing yourself to keep going in honor of someone? Yeah, it might keep you alive. It might give you meaning and even lead you to do great things. But when it’s just you and your head? When you’re alone because you’ve lost everyone who kept you going and now you have to keep going without them, for them? It fucking sucks. It’s not poetic. It’s not this heroic strength that lifts you up. It’s a crushing weight of fear that you will fail again, that you’re the only one who can carry this burden, but this time you’ll let down the person most important to you.  And then not only will you have fucked up your life but you’d have made their suffering and loss meaningless. 

And I can see why CRWBY might take this route, what their message might be, and maybe for them and for some people it’s good, but personally it’s crushing. Because it can be a good thing to have the desire to honor someone spur you on, that’s literally why we still have RWBY. But if that’s the only thing you have? It’s toxic. You have to have other support and motivations of your own to keep you going without becoming hollow inside. And right now, Qrow doesn’t have that. Right now, if Qrow uses this to push him forward, it’s not recovery, it’s not avoiding a relapse; it’s falling into a new, much harder to spot, addiction.

Yes, shitty things happen regardless of whether or not you’ve recovered from previous shitty things. Yes, life isn’t fair and sometimes it feels like you just get hit down over and over. And yes, people die in war and it’s ruthless and unfair. But RWBY is still a show. It’s still a show about hope. It’s still fiction, an escape from the cruelty of reality. And to me there were multiple other options for the plot to create conflict and sacrifice without doing it in a way that seems so needlessly cruel.  

This is complicated and layered and I think there have been mistakes made on multiple sides, and in the end, we still don’t know what CRWBY has planned and how things will go from here and why they chose this. Because everything has a meaning in RWBY. At least I want to believe that. But right now it’s very hard to think that all the meaning that was what made this my favorite volume, was anything more than a trap to make the end that much more painful. And that hurts. I want to believe that’s not the case. But it’s very, very hard. And like I said before, even if they pull it off amazingly and everything makes sense after next week, damage has still been done. No matter what happens, there were ways things could have been handled either throughout the volume or in this episode that, while still having emotional significance and sacrifice, could have been less traumatizing to a large portion of the fandom who supports CRWBY specifically because they trust them not to do something like that to them. 

In the end I’m hurt because right now it feels like the entirety of this volume was just a build up for the shock value of tearing Qrow down again. And I’m just tired of it. I’m biased I know, and maybe for some people it’s an important narrative. But to me it just feels like angst just for the sake of being cruel to a character who can’t catch a break. Since Emma’s death I understandably haven’t been a big fan of really angsty fanfiction. At first seeing fics where a character lost their partner made me irrationally angry. Because why can’t good things happen in fictional worlds? Why do characters I care about have to suffer like I do just for the sake of being angsty? Why would someone do that to a character they love? Why inflict that absolute agony onto a character when you could just, let them be happy? Yes conflict and sacrifice are crucial to good storytelling, but you still have to leave a character some hope, or else what’s the point of just watching them linger in misery? This kind of pain isn’t just a plot point that gets addressed for one or two episodes and then is fully dealt with. It’s a part of who you are now and will be for the rest of your life. 

I’ve been sad over shows before. I’ve thought plot lines were bad and like I’d lost a character that deserved better. But I’ve never had something take me from a (relatively) stable mindset to a truly frightening spiral like I’ve been in this week. If this had happened when I was younger (granted if it had happened before Emma’s death it wouldn’t have had the same meaning), if it had been during that first year? It really might have been a breaking point for me. The final straw. The only reason I’m able to know that as truly devastating as this has been for me this week, I’m not in actual danger of getting to a critically low space, is because I’ve learned how to deal with those low places these past four years. I’m still in a dangerous headspace but I know how to handle it.  I know to reach out, to vent, to ask friends to keep an eye on me, to keep an eye out for critical signs that I’m getting worse and I need more professional help. But if I’d had this trauma as a teen and saw this, or if I’d seen it before I’d built up this method of keeping myself safe even when in the worst headspaces?  I don’t know that I would have been able to deal with it. 

There’s a loud part of my head that is berating me for letting this affect me so much. For letting a show and fictional characters be the catalyst for me having to actively ask my friends to keep sharp instruments away from me for the first time in years. I’ll have a moment of clarity of “It’s not that bad, you’ll get past it” before being swallowed back up by the hopelessness. I have moments of “How could you let a fictional character’s death put you in this place, but not Emma? How is he more important?” 

But it’s not about RWBY or Clover or Qrow. It’s about my brain, and how I as a neurodivergent person deal with things. It’s about this how thing that I use to filter parts of my life through so that I can handle them in more reasonable chunks, is now a trigger itself. I currently don’t have any other hyperfixations, which means every time I have a moment of silence, or start to get feeling down again, my brain goes to RWBY, because usually that’s how I pull myself out. But that just reminds me of the loss RWBY currently represents. Not just the trauma this has brought up, but the fact that I’ve lost this source of comfort. And then I’m left scrambling for anything as I spiral further and further. I’m at the point where unless I am having constant outside stimulus to keep my brain occupied I go right back into a nosedive. And there’s nothing I can do on my own to stop it. So I just have to ride it out, fight back dozens of overwhelming intrusive thoughts, and try to think that I won’t always be this miserable, even though the current thing that was helping me believe that has just shown me the opposite is true. 

And no, creators can’t be held responsible for the mental states of fans of their work. But when things are done that directly hurt so many people, that even if not intended to, feel so calculated and malicious, they have to acknowledge the part they played in that trauma. 

The point of whether there was queer baiting/byg, and mlm representation and how its handled, is very important, but it is also something I just can’t even begin to look at right now from an analytical viewpoint. I can’t begin to come at this from an activist place right now. And I know there are plenty of other people who can speak on it better than I could currently.  My queer identity is largely wrapped up in my grief and how it affects me, but that also means that when I’m spiraling, it is very hard to focus and make good points about things that are not issues I’ve directly experienced. The only reason I can write this at all is because these are really just emotions I’ve dealt with for years that were dragged back up.

RWBY has always been about finding hope when it feels impossible. But this feels like it’s becoming “keep finding new hope but know you’ll lose it too and have to start over”.

RWBY has been what gave me hope that even when bad thing after bad thing happened, there was a reason to keep going, that eventually something good would come your way and you don’t have to live in fear of losing it. That you can still be broken and be worthy of good things. But this episode ripped that all away and told me that sometimes a person is never meant to be happy no matter how hard they try. 

A big reason I have clung to RWBY so much, and admired CRWBY so much, and in turn been so forgiving of plotlines or details that I maybe wasn’t the biggest fan of, was because I see myself in them. They lost Monty so suddenly and tragically and I understand that as much as anyone who isn’t them can. I understand the drive of keeping the show going. When I’m working on my own writing and art about my story and my loss, they are a huge inspiration to me to keep going even when it feels impossible. I can barely listen to Indomitable because, much like Jaune losing Pyrrha, it is uncanny how close to home it hits. They have been through more than we as fans can or should ever expect to know. Because even as someone very open about their grief, who wants to get rid of the stigma of expressing grief, I know that everyone deserves to keep as much of their grief and pain private as they need. And I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to work on a show that is literally a feat of love and honor to a person you’ve lost, and then have people attack it and you, and make huge accusations, even try to use your loved one’s memory against you. It’s my biggest fear in creating something so incredibly personal but so important. 

And I know that everyone handles grief differently, and no matter how many people you have to support you it can be an extremely isolating thing. I know that no one has the right to tell someone else they are grieving wrong, and I would never dare do that to them. Because I know that the ways I grieve and the things that piss me off about grief and people’s reactions to it, will not line up with everyone else’s, and that’s okay. So the exact things that hurt me so much may be the things that CRWBY find cathartic. 

But I still think it’s important to talk about something that hurts you. To help people understand a facet of grief that might not be what they’ve experienced. Because even people who want to help, who want to provide representation to those hurting, can never please everyone, and even can even hurt people. I want to trust CRWBY. I want to believe they care about the queer community (even if they don’t always succeed in providing good representation), I want to believe they wouldn’t purposefully try to hurt queer fans with queerbaiting or byg. I want to believe they don’t actually hate mlm. 

Narrative is complicated and sometimes things are done that will unknowingly cause harm, or that were topics that the writers didn’t understand enough to properly execute. Things that may seem so obvious to the people who were hurt could truly be things that hadn’t occurred to the writers. And that’s not to excuse those writers from acknowledging their mistake, but to give them a chance to learn and improve. I think a great example is The Adventure Zone (slight spoilers ahead), and how Griffin McElroy handled the fans’ reaction after Sloane and Hurley died in Petals to the Metal. He hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone but he made a decision that was very upsetting for many people and that wasn’t okay. But he listened and apologized and from there on not only tried to provide better representation, but asked about how he could do so, consulted the people he was trying to represent in order to do everything he could to not cause that kind of pain again. Creators are human and deserve second chances, as long as they show they are actively trying to improve.

Things will be learning experiences, but the people who are hurt in those learning experiences, and who are often the ones hurt in such things over and over, are still allowed to be hurt and upset. Intent is not effect. And for creators who want to be inclusive and supportive, it is their responsibility to accept criticism and work to avoid making the same mistakes. Like I said at the start of this, criticism is not harassment and harassment helps no one. Be as angry as you are, be as open as you need, but cruelty to people who are honestly trying to do good but will still make human mistakes just creates more pain and conflict. You don’t have to like it or forgive it but you can’t invalidate the people who are hurt, who do. 

I love RWBY. I want to love CRWBY. I want to keep watching. I want to keep supporting and trusting them. And maybe I’m letting a show have too much influence over me. Maybe it’s unhealthy to project so much on a character. Maybe things will prove to be necessary to tell the story they want to tell. But speaking as a neurodivergent, traumatized, grieving, queer person, I still feel betrayed and hurt by something that I trusted enough to be vulnerable about and I don’t want to sugarcoat or hide that. 

I can’t say I hate CRWBY or I’ve lost all hope in or respect for them, because I’ve related to them so much and know how complicated things like this can be. And because I don’t think I personally can write someone off while still in such an emotionally raw space. I’ll have to take some time to see if I’m able to watch the finale this weekend, but I will most likely watch it, if not just a bit later than I usually would. And RWBY has thrown big surprises at us before, and I can’t know what will happen in the finale and how it will feed into or try to heal some of the pain we’re feeling. But regardless of what the narrative intent is in Clover’s death, it needs to be acknowledged that episode 12 alone, ending on such an intense scene that wouldn’t be resolved for at least a week, hurt people. And CRWBY needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. I can’t say that I’m the most up to date on social media and what each person involved with volume 7 has said in the past few months. But I know that numerous official twitter accounts posted things that led people to put more credibility in Fairgame, myself included. And that even after seeing how big the ship had gotten, and knowing what the outcome was, some of CRWBY continued to seemingly feed into the excitement, even teasing about how hard episode 12 would hit us. 

That’s honestly one of the reasons I think this feels not just like bad writing or something, but betrayal. Of course RT can’t control everything everyone involved with RWBY posts, but for a company that has tried to seem so supportive of lgbt and mentally ill fans, they should have, at the very least, not have fed the flame and given people hope and supposed credibility that they knew would crumble after this episode. It feels like, even if they hadn’t intended this entire plot point to come across the way it has, they saw us going down this path and egged us on for added shock factor. 

And even if somehow the finale fixes everything, it doesn’t undo that hurt. It makes me think of the trailers for Insatiable when it first came out. How toxic and fat shaming they seemed and how people reacted poorly to it, but then all the people involved responded with how positive the show was, and that people shouldn’t judge it before they saw it. Or those “joke” videos or posts of kids coming out and the parents getting angry but then it’s about some stupid other thing. It’s meant to trigger a very sensitive issue, that people who have gone through traumas related to those issues are all too familiar with seeing over and over. So why would they have faith that this wasn’t just another one of those times when everything they see points to the opposite? Why trigger people who have already been hurt, for the sake of shock factor? It’s poor and callous writing. 

And that’s what this feels like. It feels like we were exploited in order to make this hurt more. And maybe that was a very unfortunate accident. But CRWBY still needs to acknowledge that they made mistakes, and do what they can to prove to the fans that they still deserve our trust. And that’s not going to be an easy one and done thing. For some it may never be enough, and that is completely valid. 

Of course everyone has different histories and issues that can lead them to be drawn to a certain show or character. And creators can’t ever know for sure that they won’t bring up painful things for any of their fans, and often trying to do so can make the content and message suffer. But even though everyone might not have a story that is as “obviously” traumatic as mine, might not have things they so directly relate to in Qrow and in Clover’s death,  they’re all still valid in the pain they’re feeling. One of my least favorite things about living with grief is people thinking that their traumas and struggles aren’t as big or important as my own. 

This week I’ve told people how hard a time I’m having, and why. And the people who know my backstory understood. The people who didn’t know though, brushed it off as crazy fangirl, tumblr discourse drivel. Even to my face after I told them how much I was hurting, they would groan about people getting so obsessed with fictional characters. You shouldn’t have to know why something negatively affects someone the way it does in order to respect the fact that it does. And I’m not more valid in my pain than people with “smaller” reasons. The fact is that a lot of people are hurting. A lot of queer and mentally ill people are reliving trauma. And like me, many of these people trusted CRWBY to be supportive, to be a comfort in a world where it’s hard to find sometimes. And that makes it hurt all the more.

I wasn’t in the fandom when Monty died, so I don’t know a lot about how CRWBY handled it, what they said publicly, what inevitable fandom discourse there was about how to navigate things. The only reason I bring him up at all, (because I’ve seen people mention him in discourse posts before and it’s usually hurtful and out of line and I truly hate it) is because he, and how CRWBY continues to honor him by keeping his creation going, is a huge part of why I feel so attached to it. My creative focus is on talking about Emma, about honoring her, telling her story, about sharing my grief with people. And while it’s extremely important to me, it’s also terrifying to think about people one day saying I let her down, or that because I made certain decisions I ruined the work or anything like that. And whether or not I am currently happy with every member of CRWBY doesn’t affect the fact that I will always keep in mind that RWBY is something directly tied to someone they’ve lost and it can be extremely difficult to have that kind of work criticized and not get defensive or angry (that’s not to say we can’t criticize things that are made in honor of someone, but that we need to remember there are still people dealing with grief on the other end of what we say). They’ll react poorly to certain things, they’ll say the wrong things, they’ll but heads with opinionated fans. And that’s not to excuse them for that, or to say we shouldn’t hold them accountable and communicate our problems with them and expect them to learn from past mistakes. But they aren’t faceless monsters in some big corporation who just make this for the money. They have real emotional investment in their work and I honestly believe they are well intentioned and want to support lgbt and mentally ill fans. But good intentions don’t ensure there won’t be negative impact, and if they truly want to keep, or regain fans’ trust and support they need to show they understand that. 

It may be naive and there may be things I don’t know that might have changed my view but until now, even with some writing choices I didn’t love, I've really liked CRWBY and trusted them. I personally can’t say I hate them and write them off right now. I understand if you can, if this was the last straw or just proving your view, and that’s all valid. But I want to, as much as possible, believe that they’re well intentioned. RWBY is far from perfect. CRWBY is far from perfect. But that’s ok. As long as there’s effort to improve and acknowledge mistakes and try to make amends

It’s possible that things I’ve said here may anger some people, and unfortunately, as much as I tried to avoid it, may hurt CRWBY. Because as hurt and angry with them as I might be right now, I don’t want to hate them or hurt them.  I’m human as well, and I’m very passionate about this and have a very personal attachment to it. So I acknowledge that it is totally possible that I have said something here that I could have handled better. If so, please, let me know. Constructively. If you need to, privately. Don’t attack me for it. I know when a conversation is toxic to me and I will not put myself in that position and will block people. But I want to be open to criticism, just as I want CRWBY to be. I want to know what I did wrong and how I can work to do better in the future. There are also certain things that I firmly believe that I know not everyone will like. And that’s okay. I have my own ways of dealing with grief and pain that will inevitably conflict with others. In those cases, while I won’t apologize for being honest about how I feel, I will understand and listen to how I may have hurt you. Different opinions and ways of coping will always be a part of grief conversations and it is less about making others agree with you and more about giving people a place to express their pain. 

This is ridiculously, stupidly, long and honestly I’m not sure there’s a clear point and if you read through it all the way, you’re a saint. But I just needed to get this out, and I hope that maybe, somehow, through the ranting, it might help someone feel less alone in their pain, or feel validated. I started writing this on Sunday and wanted to post it before the finale. It’s now Friday and who knows if there’s really any point to posting it now, but still. 

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve seen discourse that made me anxious all over again all week. I’ve seen jokes or edits or trolls that made me sick. But there are people out here for you. There are people to talk to who will just listen. You aren’t alone. And while I can’t promise you that everything will be okay, I can promise you that there will be people here to help you get through it. There are ways to get through it. They’re not always fun or ideal, but they’re there. And eventually you’ll be able to feel okay again. The pain might not be gone for good, but you’ll have good moments again. You’ll learn how to create good moments. I still want to believe that “broken” people can be happy again, even though the world may try to show me otherwise over and over. It’s not easy, and sometimes I honestly just don’t see how it can possibly be true. But I keep trying to get back to those good places and appreciate them, for as long as I can. 

#rwby spoilers #rwby7 #rwby v7 #rwby #fairgame #fair game #rwby volume 7 #qrow #rwby v7 spoilers #rwby v7 e12 #qrow branwen #clover ebi #clover deserved better #qrow x clover #really scared to post this #was gonna get a few people to edit for me #but then it got so long and late #and didn't feel like asking them to do that with such little time #since I wanted to post before the finale #so hopefully there's nothing awful here I've overlooked #this probably wont even get much attention #if any #especially cause it's so stupidly long #ooof sorry about that #really #I just needed to vent and.... #Emma #grief #mine

[iyeolie]

kdrama recs!

although i already have a tag for my favorite asian dramas in general (check out here if you want) i wanted to make a post dedicated to the dramas i’ve watched that hit differently.... i’ll explain

these dramas aren’t necessarily my fave of all time or at the very top of my fave list, but i did enjoy all of them a lot. the dramas on this list are the ones i enjoyed from start to finish, every episode, practically every scene. the ones i did not want to end. they were easy to watch and the struggle to not click “next episode” was real. so if you’ve got nothing else to do maybe check one or two out!

          ‣  goblin

starring : gong yoo, kim go eun, lee dong wook, yoo in na, yook sungjae

plot : kim shin is turned into a goblin tasked with protecting certain people from the life of misery. the only way to end his immortal life is to find his bride that can set him free of his sword. kim shin accidentally becomes roommates with a grim reaper, wang yeo, and as natural enemies the two clash. ji eun tak is a high school student who is able to communicate with the dead. she gets involved with the goblin and grim reaper. could she be the goblin’s bride who holds the power to release him from his eternal misery and set his soul free?

thoughts : this is my number one (1) fave kdrama and drama over all! it has everything: unique plot, interesting characters, humor, drama, fantasy elements... this is the drama i’ll always recommend to anyone and everyone. there’s not a dull moment and there is always something that grabs your attention. the depth to each character is crazy and how they all connect is insane. you grow close to them all and end up routing for them with all your heart. couldn’t recommend it enough.

          ‣  high-end crush

starring : jung il woo, jin se yeon, yoon bora, lee si eon

plot : choi se hoon is the ceo of an entertainment company and knows his stuff well. he is very arrogant and doesn’t take no for an answer. yoo yi ryeong lives alone on a mountain and doesn’t have any desire for money and fame. the two cross paths and se hoon ends up offering yi ryeong a contract from his company, she rejects him. the determined businessman won’t give up on her and ends up developing feelings along the way. can two people from different worlds come together?

thoughts : the fact that i almost didn’t watch this drama will haunt me forever. i’m sO happY that i gave it a go. i expected nothing but ended up with so much. this mini drama made me laugh and cry, and took me on a hell of a ride. the story between the couple is hilariously sweet and melts my heart. jung il woo stole my heart with this drama, he did an excellent job as the lead and his character made the drama what it is. if you have 5 hours to spare i highly recommend this one, enjoyed every second.

          ‣  hospital ship

starring : ha ji won, kang min hyuk, lee seo won, kwon min ah

plot : song eun jae is a capable surgeon at a large hospital in seoul. due to circumstances she ends up quitting her job and boards a hospital ship that provides medical care for locals in rural villages. on board are army doctors who have unwillingly been assigned their posts, except for kwak hyun, who volunteered. although eun jae has a cold personality, she is perfectionist and very skilled. with her on board, the hospital ship is able to admit patients and help with the most critical medical problems, all while out at sea.

thoughts : honestly i didn’t have any expectations going into this one, but i was pleasantly surprised. all the different characters clashed together and made the story very interesting, everyone came together and became an unexpected family. all the cases they dealt with were just insaane and made the drama so entertaining to watch! they always had the odds against them but somehow made in through them. very addicting.

          ‣  extraordinary you

starring : kim hye yoon, rowoon, lee jae wook, lee naeun, kim young dae

plot : eun dan oh is a student at a prestigious academy. one day she discovers that the world she’s living in is a fantasy world of comics, and she isn’t even the main character! she is only an extra and the writer has set her up with a lame story line that she doesn’t want to follow. dan oh realizes she is one of the few characters that are aware and tries to change the story to free herself from the writer’s grip. she meets a nameless student, number 13, who dan oh thinks can be the key. they work together to try and change their fates, but this comes with a price to pay.

thoughts : this drama was almost impossible not to watch one episode right after another! suuch a cool plot and it was hard to try and predict what was going to happen next. the drama kept its secrets very well and dragged it out, making you as a viewer really miserable wanting to know more, but this is what made it so good. things uncovered slowly but surely and you changed your mind about things over and over. big brain energy on this one!

          ‣  cinderella and four knights

starring : jung il woo, park so dam, ahn jae hyun, lee jung shin, son naeun

plot : eun ha won feels alone in the world and has poor contact with her father and stepmother. she lives a hard life trying to find ways to pay for her education. she gets involved with the three famous and rich cousins : kang ji woon ; a rebel-minded loner, kang hyun min ; a playboy money machine and kang seo woo, a sweet singer-songwriter. because of ha won’s non-nonsense personality, the cousins grandfather thinks she’s the perfect person to discipline his spoiled grandsons to get along with each other. however in the process ha won finds herself in the middle of a quadrangle love story.

thoughts : man, honestly this drama is THE reason why i’m even making this list. i was hooked from the start and STAYED hooked the entire drama. park so dam being the queen she is played her character so fantastically, i love how powerful and confident her character is. how different the cousins personalities were made it hilariously interesting to watch. i myself fell in love with each guy and had the hardest time picking who to root for! second and third lead syndrome is real. this is the one drama that i can honestly say i did not want to end, i’d watch this forever if i could lmfao

          ‣  falling for innocence

starring : jung kyung ho, kim so yeon, yoon hyun min

plot : kang min ho is a cold-blooded corporate raider who treats his workers and people ruthlessly. he is self-defensive and a suspicious sociopath, but he suffers from heart problems and is expected to die in the near future. unless he gets a heart transplant from a suitable donor, he is done for. kim soon jung’s fiancé gets into a car “accident” which ends in fatality. luckily for min ho, the fiancé is a match and min ho gets another shot at life. after the heart transplant, min ho starts to notice changes in his behavior : a rare result of heart transplants. he ends up falling for soon jung and she teaches him the meaning of true happiness and what love is. are his feelings really his, or the memories from the previous owner of his heart?

thoughts : i thought this drama wasn’t gonna be anything out of the ordinary going into it, but i was wrong. the character development the main character went through is one of the best ones i’ve seen and very inspiring at that. how he went from night to day because of his transplant was really something to witness. jung kyung ho killed it obviously and made his character believable. seeing how the characters deal with the situation made me not being able to stop watching.

          ‣  one spring night

starring : jung hae in, han ji min, kim jun han, joo min kyung, lim sung eon

plot : lee jeong in decides to prioritize happiness in her life. she has a long time boyfriend who wants to marry her but she’s not so sure what she feels. to treat her hangover one spring night, she goes to the pharmacy. yoo ji ho is the pharmacist who ends up helping her. ji ho is a single dad and unsure whether a woman could want a man like him. he however immediately becomes interested in jeong in and does whatever he can to meet her in person. the two fall in love despite their situations. the two however now have to deal with the obstacles that family, friends and society sets for them.

thoughts : this drama is like a warm safety blanket for me. i started it on a whim, skimming through netflix just wanting to watch something before bed. i ended up clicking on this and booy am i happy i did. it’s a nicely slow-paced, sweet and romantic love story which touches your heart in the best way. the whole vibe of the drama is just... i don’t know how to describe it’s just... chill?? and nice?? and comfortable?? it was my night time drama before bed, so i have nice memories from watching it. loved their love story. also a+++ for the osts!!!

         ‣  madame antoine : the love therapist

starring : sung joon, han ye seul, jeong jinwoon, hwang seung un, lee joo hyung

plot : go hye rim is a famous fortune-teller known as “madame antoine” and insist she is spiritually connected to the late french queen marie antoinette. choi soo hyun is a highly awarded therapist specialising in women’s psychology. coincidentally, his psychological treatment center is also called “madame antoine”. soo hyun develops an experiment with the hypothesis that love does not exist. he tricks hye rim into participating in the experiment to study her behavior when approached by three different men. however, hye rim isn’t told what the experiment is about and doesn’t know that the men’s feelings for her are fake, or are they?

thoughts : a fortune teller and therapist love story?? sign me the f up!!! i loved seeing these two bicker every other second but overcoming their differences to be with each other. this couple is really what they mean by “you’re hot then you’re cold”, it was on, off, on, off all the time, but i also couldn’t be mad at it. the drama was easy to watch and i couldn’t not click the next episode. all characters were extremely likeable and made me wanna be friends with them too rip. after finishing this one i kinda wanna learn some psychology tricks..... they were both really cool ><

#recs #kdrama #korean drama #goblin #high-end crush #hospital ship #extraordinary you #cinderella and four knights #falling for innocence #one spring night #madame antoine

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

i preserved in him what he needed to believe about you.

i wrote yesterday that this episode had a lot riding on it. for the most part, it delivered--mostly in anchoring both dick and slade’s arcs, expanding on the themes introduced in s2, and in firmly establishing jericho as My Favourite Forever And Ever. it was also very flawed, but in (mostly) interesting ways. let’s talk about it!

SPOILERS ahead.

1. jericho has my whole heart and then some. i think it would’ve been very easy to paint him with broad strokes--my fear was they would drag the innocence all the way to the edge of infantilisation, which, good god NO--but while he is enthusiastic and ready to believe the best of both his friends and family, there’s a sharpness to him, a kind of reckless guile, and quite a lot of unresolved and complicated feelings about father figures. 

1.25. he is obviously very proud of his father having served in the military--he’s even tangentially aware that he was experimented on, given his nonchalant attribution of his own powers to “drugs” that his father took while serving. (this awareness has to include the fact that his father definitely took a number of lives as a soldier.) even the awful assault that took away his voice and eventually his father from his life tracks with a single, knowable truth. knowing this helped him ground his own identity--the problem comes when he realises that what he’d used to build himself on was itself built on a lie. 

there is a tension, then, between his loyalty to these friends who used him but ultimately revealed the truth to him, and his desire to have that cornerstone of his life back. his compromise is to talk to his father, but only with dick’s permission; in it, he would know if his father was finally ready to be completely honest with him, and if there was more to dick’s friendship than merely using jericho to get to his father.

1.3. of course, it doesn’t exactly work that way: in the final fight at the church, there are two men who insist on their truth while pushing him to the side. in it, he sees one of them ruthlessly cut down the other, and he sees the other using his own body and life to protect him. jericho makes his choice in the end.

1.45. dick i think was absolutely right and justified in bringing jericho to a safe place where he can explore and learn to control his powers, even if dick was surprisingly blase about the potential ethical tangles of being able to possess other people’s bodies without them being aware of it. it was honestly a bit disturbing to see that hank was chosen to demonstrate jericho’s powers, given his history and the fact that he describes the experience as a “blackout”. i’m just going to assume that he would’ve come around to it eventually.

given the relative paucity of Big Bads and grand superhero battles, i’m kind of taken with the idea of the titans essentially being a support group for young troubled superheroes who need help and training and ways to ground themselves before heading back to their corners of the world. 

1.5. ultimately this episode once again drives home what should be the essential question in a show that revolves around a team of superhero sidekicks: are we destined to be what we were moulded to be? is the point of their existence to perpetuate what their mentors/fathers did? slade and jericho both struggle with this; so do dick and donna in this episode. so do rose, and jason, and rachel, and conner, and kory in the broader context of the series. the answers they find are complicated and at the cost of a great deal of pain, but the process is always interesting.

1.8. obviously jericho isn’t actually dead. i wonder what that initial dreamscape sequence was all about? is it some secret pocket dimension that jericho jumped into at the last minute when slade killed his body? is that where he’s been for the last five years?

2. dick grayson is lost. he is utterly buried under artifice and armour. i mentioned in a previous post (i think the one for 2.07) that he performs quite a bit of emotional labour for the team on top of being their leader in a tactical sense. here, he’s trying to hold it together for the team after a devastating death; he’s spearheading an effort for revenge he thought they all supported. he pulls on batman-goggles, trying to look at what he’s doing from a logical, emotionally-removed perspective, even while burying his bleeding heart as deep as he possibly can. no wonder he’s acting “like a ghost” and “burning at both ends”--it’s a terrible burden to bear. 

then the team turns around--once they’ve already gotten the info they needed, mind!--and tells him to cut jericho out of this operation; that it’s wrong and awful to have involved him at all. when he tries to do just that, he sees that he can actually help jericho as a friend and teammate, and at the urging of dawn, comes clean to him. meanwhile garth’s death and donna’s grief is still an unrelenting pressure on the back of his neck, driving him to find deathstroke at any cost--except when that cost is betraying jericho’s trust. ultimately slade nearly murdering donna is what breaks him--and he decides to follow jericho to slade anyway.

at every point he is so desperately trying to do good by everybody that he loses himself in the process. that his reward for this is being beaten up, a truckload of survivor’s guilt, and being abandoned by his closest friends is just so fucking awful. his friends are so used to his artifice and he is so used to absorbing all the blame that they think nothing of both praising him for being someone that saves people and believing he would sacrifice innocent lives for the sake of a mission in the same day.

(but this makes dick/kory so beautiful and refreshing--she has no time for his artifice and he doesn’t have to Be Someone around her. their relationship is defined by being undefined, and in that sense--at least for now--both of them find peace in the other.)

2.5. slade commenting coldly on dick’s fighting skills and the way he uses dick’s feelings for jericho to distract and defeat him makes me think that slade’s been playing this game with dick for far longer than he was aware: slade used both jericho and donna as bait to lure dick to that church, fought him in a cold, critical way undoubtedly reminiscent of a thousand sparring sessions with batman, and drove him utterly to the ground not just to prove a point to the titans and the superhero community at large but to jericho as well: this man is weak, manipulative, and ultimately a poor substitute for slade. 

2.75. who knows for how long dick wallowed in his failure, still seeing jericho take the blade that was meant for him, utterly alone? did he go back to the batcave, utterly defeated, and did he listen to bruce call him out on his mistakes? how much do you think he internalised all the terrible things he’d been told he was until he believed it all to be true? until he couldn’t live with himself and spiralled and spiralled until his self-hatred lead to outright self-destruction?

like--no wonder he completely fell apart in the present day when deathstroke showed up again. he’d just started to trust--he’d just started to build a family again. and here it is, a reminder of his biggest failure threatening to have him fail spectacularly once again. 

... this boy needs so much therapy. or at least a long nap and a series of hugs.

2.8. (that fight between him and slade tho... goddamn. even my shitty quality stream couldn’t take away from how thrilling it was to watch.)

3. dawn is... well. i know it’s been frustrating to follow dawn this season, as she’s been either non-existent or, uh, flat, but there was something interesting in the way her dynamic with dick moved and shifted in this episode. she thrills to ideals without considering the consequences of actually following those ideals. in the space of a few months, she can implore dick to act like batman, then tell him no, she was wrong to have asked him to do that, then say that she loved him for saving people and then barely days later abandon him for being a reckless sociopath who exploited innocent lives. in the present day, she can support hank in his retirement and rehabilitative process, yet still think it’s perfectly ok to go behind his back and continue being a vigilante. she supported protecting rose in the tower but still piled on dick for going off on his reckless suicide mission to try and save both jason and rose. she endorsed (and once praised) dick taking on troubled young superhero charges, yet turned around and berated him for daring to open up titans tower and “put them in the firing line”. 

i mean, for all that she takes the considerate, sensitive line in conversations, it’s almost always in contradiction to a position she’d taken earlier. it’s too consistent to be a coincidence, and i think it’s fascinating.

4. i didn’t realise amazons could be defeated and killed so easily?? who issued the contract to kill jillian in the first place and what was the “important work” they were doing in san francisco in the first place? a mystery within a mystery...

5. if this season were the draft of a story, i would go right in with a red pen and start moving around all the parts to make it flow better; excise entire passages and rewrite a few others. the pacing has been terrible, and this has meant that the younger titans--and the team we came to know and love through the first season--have gotten almost nothing to do, either plot-wise or emotionally. even if kory and gar and rachel become absolutely vital to the story in the last 4-5 episodes, it would still be a fairly significant failure, storytelling-wise.

that’s a pity because this show is packed with a stellar cast, always looks gorgeous, and is filled with genuinely insightful human relationships that are allowed to unfold in ways you just don’t see in other superhero media. just--*vibrates* a little more love and care from the people making and producing the show please!

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #jericho #dick grayson #slade wilson #deathstroke #dawn granger

[firstumcschenectady]

“By Whose Authority” based on Psalm 78:1-4, 12-16, Matthew 21:23-32

There are fantastic people in life who are able to quickly assess a situation, and make a solid decision on a response.  I deeply envy those people.  I'm a different kind of person, one who wants access to as much information as possible, and then often internally oscillates repeatedly.  A good friend doing committee work with me once told me that “our meetings would go a lot faster if you would stop debating with yourself – outloud.”  #truth.  

Because I've been examining the Gospel lesson this week, I am aware that decisions require deciding where we put our trust.  That is, who or what has authority.  That is because the central question in today's Gospel lesson is one of authority.  Jesus was teaching, but as a poor man without a formal position or education, he didn't have a whole lot of authority.  The chief priests and elders had the education and the positions.  They held formal authority.  

In that time and place, like any other, authority mattered.  They seem genuinely confused.   “why is this guy speaking like he has authority when he has none?  Does he have a powerful patron he is speaking for?”  The answer Jesus gives amounts to “I have the authority of the respect of the people.”1

DANG.

That itself uprooted everything in his society.  This was bottom up power and everyone knew that power came from the top down.  Those crowds, however, knew that the power from the top down was profoundly corrupt and corrupting.  

So, who or what has authority for you?  

And, if you say it is God, (*great*) what does that mean for you?

One of the gifts of the Methodist movement has been a way of thinking about authority that creates some balance.  The “Wesleyan Quadrilateral” suggests that when looking for truth about things to do with God, faith, and people, we take into account Scripture, Tradition, Scholarship2, and Personal Experience.  If something can be made sense of with all 4 of those areas of authority, it can be trusted.  If not, it has to be handled more carefully.  

That said, each of the pieces of the quadrilateral is more complicated than it may seem.  For instance, how scripture is understood seems to be a range wide enough to include pretty much every opinion and its opposite, and yet somehow with great conviction on every side.  :(  I believe it is pretty clear that the authority of “church tradition” is similarly broad, as is personal experience.  I think the Psalm tries to answer the authority question with some sort of balance of scripture and tradition – it says that because God has cared for us, we can trust God.  That's all fine and good, but it still doesn't answer our deeper questions.

For example, there is the question of what our faith community looks like during this global pandemic.  The issue, as you may be aware, is that the first general rule of John Wesley is “First do no harm.”  But that is ALSO not simple (nothing is simple with me, sorry).  Because doing no harm means not exposing anyone to increased risk of COVID exposure.  BUT, it also means not letting people who are hungry struggle with their hunger when we can give them food (so we have kept Breakfast open, even while offering it as take out).  It means making sure that families living in poverty still have toilet paper, diapers, and hygiene products (so we have been giving away our SUSTAIN supplies while our distribution has been closed.)  It means making sure people have access to others, in community, to be heard and to share life (our Zoom Check in, the Midweek Coffee Hour, the Bridging the Distance Groups.)

And, still, we know we have excluded.  Not everyone has internet.  Because the internet is PROFOUNDLY not the same, not everyone gains a sense of connection via the internet.  There has been a yearning for being in our worship space, for sharing space, for being more together.

And yet, still, “do no harm” with a pandemic!  So, what to do?  After MONTHS of internal oscillation, and lots of conversation with others, the best plan I have to offer is this:  we keep our worship online. We keep our Zoom check in as worship part 2.  We ALSO offer a “Contemplative Prayer Service” at 10AM in the Sanctuary.  This service won't involve singing, or even congregational speaking.  It will be quiet, still, reflective.  There will be masks and social distancing.  It will be short (30 minutes or less).  All of this will minimize risk – but also respond to need.  

Truth be told, I also LOVE contemplative prayer, and I think many of us need some time of stillness and prayer, and this may be good for our spiritual journeys.  

It wasn't easy to figure out how to go forward, and more difficult questions will keep coming, but this is where we got to for now.  My authorities have been the medical and scientific communities, the responses we've gotten from the church, the reopening committee, and my own personal experience.  

If I'm actually honest about how I make decisions, it all comes down to love.  My question is, “what is the most loving option” and then I have to take into account “for myself,” “for others,” “for the whole.” And that still doesn't create easy answers, but at least it means I'm making decisions in ways I can respect.  

(Let me take this time to say that pandemic decisions are ALL HARD, and we all come to them with different bodies, different risks, and different risk assessments.  We aren't all making the same choices, but I hope we are all trying to care for each other in our choices.)

So, for a moment, I'm going to assume that you want to go with me down the “what is most loving” path.  I imagine you'd ask, “what about when I'm stuck or unsure?”  In the past several years, I have been working on.... trusting myself a bit more.  Now, when I find myself stuck (including procrastinating), I ask myself “why” and explore it.  While there sometimes feels like urgency, I've found that when I (prayerfully) explore my stuckness, I usually discover something really important that isn't being cared for.  (This is really how we got to a contemplative prayer service, I couldn't figure out how to make in person worship work for enough people!)  

The other piece is to trust other people to tell you when you are wrong. This, actutally, is very Wesleyan, and I think it is one of the most important aspects of faith community.  We're all wrong sometimes. Which means we all need to be corrected sometimes.  Which means it is really good to work on the skill of listening to others, and admitting our errors.

This isn't a lot of new advice, is it?  Trust yourself when you are stuck that you are stuck for a reason, let love guide your choices, and admit it when you are wrong?  Like most faith stuff though, this is all easier said than done.  That, and it is pretty clear that authority and decisions are still hard for me!

Let me offer one more little thing then.  I've often heard it said around this church, “question everything” and I agree.  We question everything, and we try to come down on the side of love, and we seek to be open to correction and then …. we need on more piece.  The final piece is to practice forgiveness of self and of others, because we're all going to err even when we do our best.

With all this, may we get ever better at using God, and God's love, as our utmost authority.  Amen

1Based on the work of Bruce J Malina and Richard L. Rohrbaugh in “Social Science Commentary on the Synpotic Gospels” pages 108-109.

2Usually called “reason,” but that leads to misunderadning,

Rev. Sara E. Baron First United Methodist Church of Schenectady 603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305 Pronouns: she/her/hers http://fumcschenectady.org/ https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

September 27, 2020

#Thinking Church #Progressive CHristianity #First UMC Schenetady #Schenectady #UMC #Sorry about the UMC #Question Everything #infp #Rev Sara E Baron #Pandemic

[rivkahstudies]

do you have any advice for a high school senior who wants to make the most of their last year of high school? asking for a friend :)

hi darling! I think the things I remember most from my senior year (though it was only two years ago that it started) can be summarized in, “crazy busy, crazy stressful, but at times, crazy fun.” Here’s to making the most of it, and maintaining health while you do so!

This is going to be combination masterpost and advice post, because I’ve accumulated a lot on this subject and I have a loooot to say. 

Also this is heavily based off of the assumption you’re pursuing higher education, but some of these things still apply/can be tweaked.

table of contents:

i. academics

ii. social life

iii. personal health

i. 𝓪𝓬𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓶𝓲𝓬𝓼

a. grades

They’re important for your future if your plan is to go to college or academy, but they’re not the whole world. (see social life and personal health)

I’m not a big fan of the “3-to-1 rule” or other such things that tell you “study for this amount of time no matter what” because it’s important for you to understand what comes naturally to you and what you need further clarification on. Some classes are going to take up less of your time than others.

The best you can do on a given day isn’t necessarily 100%. Sometimes your best that day is 90%, 80%, 60%. “try your best” isn’t “your best ever” so don’t push yourself for 100s every time for the expense of categories ii and iii.

A lot of people (at least in places like where I went to high school) who are hung up on the stress of competition and the need to be The Best™ are going to ask you for grades. It’s going to be everywhere. Assignment grades, test grades, SATs, ACTs, (if you’re not in the US, the equivalents of your state, regional, or national standardized tests), entrance exams, et cetera, et cetera. I know it’s tempting to fall into the anxiety of whether you measure up, but here’s a quick tip: even if you think you did well/above average, you can keep it private. It infuriated my classmates when I wouldn’t share, because I was comfortable with how I competed with myself and didn’t care what my peers thought of my scores. 

When you’re someone as dedicated to studying as I am, you might get a lot of “oh, you got that grade because you’re you” (the underlying implication being that it’s natural or the work is easy for you, which was not the case for me) or “ha! I got higher than (name)! I measure up!” This is a lot of their own biases and insecurity talking and the best way not to be affected is not to buy into it. Again, this is based on my own experience.

 I really cannot emphasize extra credit enough because some of my teachers threw it around like candy and some of them barely drizzled a little in at intervals, but either way it really saved me when it came to rounding my grades up.

It never hurts to have a grade tracker if you’re concerned, you don’t get graded by total points accumulation/have a weighted system, and/or don’t have an easy way to access your grades online throughout the year.

find your study strategy/ies for each class and stick to it/them. It won’t necessarily be the same. I’m a primarily visual learner, and it really, really helps for most things, but I still need rote memorization for subjects with a lot of vocabulary, like medicine or languages.

further resources

studying without notes by @fuckstudy . 

prioritizing that crazy to do list (the abcde method) by @eintsein

a comphrensive guide to anki (flashcards online) by @studyingstudent

a stash of tiny study tips by @acalmstudiousfirecracker

and much much more on my #studyref tag.

b. extracurriculars

These I think matter (though I’m biased) more than grades, because they’re what shape you and your experience. Most of the students at my university had grades like mine, but it’s the places I frequented and the people to whom I devoted my time that formed my sense of self. I have so many skills, anecdotes, and ideas that I’ve gained from my extracurricular work.

If you have any you’ve stuck with since early in high school and you still like, keep ‘em. Quality over quantity. Show jobs or universities you can be dedicated and disciplined, and have stamina to see projects to the end. (I was in 7 and held leadership positions in 4 and it was probably part of the reason why I spent all of senior year on three hours sleep… besides my IB classes of course.)

If you’re not pursuing college immediately or at all (or even if you are), participate in ones that pull you out of your comfort zone and teach you something new.

ii. 𝓼𝓸𝓬𝓲𝓪𝓵 𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮

Treat this category as you would anything else in your schedule–requiring time and being a significant priority. Not always at the very top, but still demanding its own attention.

See friends outside of school, for however long or short a period, at least once every week to two weeks. This can include extracurricular time if you’re pressed.

Schedule time with your family (especially if their lives are also cluttered and hectic) do something dynamic, and also something separate that’s relaxing. One week your family time might be reading in the same room and having gentle conversation or a family dinner; the next might be going out to the movies or taking a hike together. It can be easy to feel taken for granted or to take family for granted.

By the way, this includes “chosen” family if you’re not on great terms with some/all of them. I have experience with this too.

Get. Out. Of. The. House. This plays into “personal health” too! You need a change in rhythm/routine and exposure to the outside. Especially in your winter season. 

I’m one of those people who has to have things scheduled way in advance, so family/curfew/etc permitting, do something a little bit spontaneous, say with only a few hours or a couple days notice. It will make you feel more alive if you’re in a stressful slump.

Communication is really important, especially if you’re stressed. Don’t be afraid to tell people “I am sensitive/hyperreactive to X because Y is putting me on edge right now” or “this triggers X insecurity because I’m anxious about Y.” This goes doubly if you’re struggling with mental illness. Talk to someone you trust. (See “personal health.”)

Don’t give in to peer pressure if you’re spent the time you need with friends and have to excuse yourself for other responsibilities. Balance!

No is equally as important to respected as Yes, no matter what the case.

Respect boundaries but invite people to challenge their comfort zone at their space.

Don’t be broken up if a romantic relationship doesn’t last. It’s senior year. Everything’s changing. Let it.

Also, please don’t be like me and let your summer/your school year be eaten up with relationship drama. I thankfully ended a difficult relationship early (late September) so it wasn’t a huge issue, but I watched people close to me struggle with while also battling the stress of the year.

iii. 𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓽𝓱

mentally

If you’re struggling with mental illness, be aware of your own limits and pace yourself.

Sometimes we feel dull because we need to break routine/stimulate ourselves in a new way. You should have a structure/routine, but it should be flexible enough for you to adapt to changes and listen to what your mind and body are telling you.

The path to self-love must first begin with self-acceptance. If you struggle with self-image or self-esteem issues, you can’t build positivity off a foundation of negativity. You must first level it to neutrality.

Perform check-ups with yourself. This may be in the form of meditation, a diary, therapy, etc. None of these things are a “last resort” but rather a healthy part of building good mental habits.

physically

Exercise! You don’t have to be a star athlete to bring about the benefits. Even a 15 minute jog, 30 minute walk/hike, or 10 minutes of stretching can give you benefits.

On that note! Take! Frequent! Breaks! And please, please google stretches for certain body parts like hands if you do repetitive motion like drawing or writing for a long period of time! You don’t want to push yourself!

Listen to your body and don’t ignore pain, hunger, nausea, fatigue, etc. Respond patiently and with what’s appropriate.

Don’t forget about diet. It’s easy when you’re busy to reach for the quick and nutritionally poor snacks/meals, but it’s really important to set aside time to cook/meal plan or even just throw together a quick snack tray of fruits/crackers/cheeses/etc. It doesn’t have to be instragrammable but you should have a balanced diet that factors in your specific needs, if you have any restrictions, etc.

Change yo pillow case frequently kids, it does wonders for acne.

I cannot stress enough! To! Stay! Hydrated! My goal is eventually eight glasses a day but my minimum is 4-5. I try to have one every meal, especially in college.

Bedtime is important! But more than that, wake up time is important. If you’re trying to adjust your schedule and can only keep one consistent, choose the time you wake up. Eventually your body will naturally become fatigued for the bedtime to match it. It’s how I turned my sleep schedule from 12:00 AM to 8:00 into 9:30 PM to 5:30 AM over the course of one winter break! 

If you’re a morning person, you’re a morning person. If you’re a night owl, you’re a night owl. There’s research now to prove that forcing yourself into a rhythm too extreme for your tendencies can make you feel awful either way.

At the end of the day, you’ve got one goal and one goal only: to look back on this year and be proud of what you’ve achieved and how you’ve grown. You shape your future and choose what matters most in your life!

If there’s anything else you think I’ve missed or you’d like me to cover more in depth/link more posts to, please ask me! I’d be happy to clarify/continue this series! I want to make sure you’re completely satisfied.

#sleepover #annabethofcolor #rivkah answers #my advice #masterpost #high school #high school seniors #studyref

[blue-shaded]

(1/9) i know there's speculation (from community and sean himself) that sean has ADHD, but i think he has something else. i have ADHD, but i also have nonverbal learning disability (NVLD), and his behavior is actually way more in line with NVLD to me. it's not commonly diagnosed because it's not officially in the DSM/ICD at this point and it requires a huge battery of testing, but the best brief way i can think to describe it is that it's kind of a cross between autism and inattentive ADHD.

(2/9) the basics of NVLD: stronger verbal than nonverbal abilities (e.g. chatty but poor abstract reasoning/math skills), better with auditory than visual info, need for familiarity/routine, bad with social cues, disorganization, poor planning skills, focusing on details + may focus on the wrong stuff, tendency to internalize negative emotions (and can develop depression/anxiety as a result), strong memory (often for odd things), and possible motor/spatial awareness difficulties.         

(3/9) sean does have traits of ADHD, like disorganization, chattiness, short attention span and need for stimulation, but there's so much overlap between ADHD and NVLD that a lot of cases of NVLD end up misdiagnosed as ADHD, or they're diagnosed together. and there's this lack of an ADHD quality that he has, i don't really know how to describe it but he lacks a certain energy that mark and a lot of other adults with ADHD have, and he needs mark (nobody else works) with him to get that energy.              

(4/9) there's also just some very not-ADHD stuff he does. he's stuck really firmly to a schedule with no real assistance and prided himself on his work ethic, which isn't usually an ADHD thing, but it fits very much with the routines and need for familiarity present in NVLD. he lacks the out-of-the-box thinking that's present in a lot of people with ADHD, and he seems almost afraid to try anything new if someone else doesn't do it first. he seems oddly wobbly/unstable when he walks around.       

(5/9) robin's apparently complained about sean being shit at timing things. sean's described things in incredible detail, like talking about where he was in his video game when mark followed him on twitter or telling that story about breaking his crush's ankle when he was 12. he overlooks visual stuff in his games (like his first Papers Please series) and had a really hard time with the math classes in Bully (though that could be a LD but it's hard to say). on to social stuff:            

(6/9) he overshares A LOT. he claims to be good at reading people, yet he hangs out with felix, gab, nopeify, and the game grumps (who aren't quite as bad as the rest but it looks like they talked up gab to sean while he was still with signe). the relationship between him and mark is weird - sean was practically glued to him and now seems to hate him, though i don't really know what that's about. he interrupts at times and seems to struggle reading the mood of a situation (e.g. interviews).         

(7/9) then there's just the fact that he seems to be able to slow down and "put on the brakes" and act normally as needed, which mark, who has ADHD, has never been able to do. he can go on a ramble but then pull back around to the original subject. he's not good at coming up with stuff on the spot, either, but everyone i know with ADHD is really fast at that. people with ADHD often switch careers/ideas a lot - sean does the same thing repeatedly even if it's not working.                  

(8/9) then there's the internalization, which, well, it's obvious - blatant depression and lack of self-care, he's mentioned having anxiety attacks and being anxious to please everyone, etc. at this point i've been writing these asks for over an hour and am practically writing an entire thesis at you, so i'll wrap it up with one more ask, but there's probably a bunch of stuff i've noticed and am forgetting to say.            

(9/9) it's really speculation and i don't want to say it as "oh he definitely strikes me as this", because NVLD really NEEDS the clinical battery of tests to rule out other conditions and determine the person's strengths and weaknesses, but it seems like a legitimate possibility to me, and i think that should be brought up rather than ADHD because NVLD and ADHD tend to use different management strategies and NVLD doesn't respond to ADHD medication. it's worth thinking about at least             - I feel like atleast if he talks to a therapist or psychologist he could get his actual diagnosis figured out. I really don’t know what’s holding him. Plenty of people get diagnosed at a later age, it’s normal. A lot of parents were not interested in getting their child’s diagnosis at a young age, to deny anything was wrong with their child, or not being able to afford it. If he really wants to preach mental healthcare and yet does nothing of the sort himself.. He MUST stop preaching it now until he has had his own tests, his own diagnose, and his own method of dealing with stuff. A lot of what you say anon really does make sense. I’m no expert on mental illnesses but it all does make sense.