#I have been hiding indoors like a troll this last month

[rawwithlove]

😜✌🏻🥰

#these pathetic pigtail braids are the only thing keeping me sane lately #i need to be tan again #I have been hiding indoors like a troll this last month #and I’m dying #me #my face #selfie

[here4theheartbreak]

Afternoon Naps (myg + pjm)

AO3 Link Here!

Relationships: Jimin x Yoongi Genre: smut Rating: Explicit Word Count: ~5.5k

Tags: Smut, Consensual Somnophilia, Vampires, Dirty Talk, Multiple Orgasms, Coming Untouched, Established Relationship, Vampire Sex, Vampire Biting/Blood Drinking, Sleeping Medication, Consensual Necrophilia (Technically), Temporary Character Death, Vampire Min Yoongi, Human Park Jimin, Bottom Park Jimin

Summary: Jimin finds out his boyfriend's biggest secret, and reveals his own biggest kink. They realize that this can benefit both of them.

A/N: Fifth Kinktober fic, day 7: somnophlia; this fic is also filling a request from ages ago. @sujigguk requested a fic with “you’re not human”

A/N 2: The fic contains technically necrophilia -- vampire lore in this fic has the vampire "dying" (i.e. heart/breathing stops, body goes cold, rigor mortis sets in) while resting in their coffins. All sexual acts are discussed and consented to by both parties prior to this.

“Jimin!” Yoongi’s voice was sharp… And not all that happy when he opened the door of his apartment. Jimin smiled sheepishly. 

“Surprise?” He said softly. 

“What are you doing here?”

Yoongi looked tense as he stood in the doorway. From what Jimin could see over his shoulder, his blinds were drawn, and his apartment was still mostly dark. Strange, given it was nearly ten in the morning.

“Did I wake you?”

Yoongi hesitated. “No.”

Jimin’s smile faded a little. “I wanted to come by… It’s been a week.”

“We’ve been texting.” 

Jimin’s smile disappeared completely. “I disturbed you. I’m sorry.” He backed up, ready to head down the hall.

“Wait, no, Jimin. Don’t go. You just surprised me, I’m not used to visitors coming by unexpectedly.”

Jimin looked at him, trying to gauge if he was being sincere. Jimin and Yoongi had been dating for nearly six months. It was great. Yoongi was always there for him, their dates were fun, and they never ran out of things to talk about. The sex was mind blowing. Sure, they fought a little, but never a big thing. The one oddity in all their time together… Was that Jimin was never invited to sleep over at Yoongi’s. Yoongi had stayed at Jimin’s a few times, and Jimin had come over once or twice, but never for more than a few minutes. 

The last time they were together in person, Jimin had hinted at wanting to stay over at Yoongi’s one night. Yoongi had seemed okay with the idea, but also a bit stiff about it. 

“I should have texted,” Jimin finally said.

“Yes,” Yoongi agreed. “But… You’re here, I can spare a few minutes.” He sighed heavily and stepped aside, letting Jimin in. 

“Dark,” Jimin commented as he entered. “Are you feeling okay? You look a little pale.” He reached out for Yoongi’s head, only to have Yoongi jerk away.

“I’m fine.”

Jimin scowled then, crossing his arms. “What’s wrong with you?”

Yoongi blinked at him. 

“You’re acting weird. I’ve been with you half a year, I know when you’re not yourself. What’s wrong?”

“It…” Yoongi’s shoulders sagged. “It’s very hard to explain.”

“Well try. I don’t appreciate being kept in the dark. Literally or figuratively.” Jimin went to flip on a light. 

Yoongi grabbed his wrist. His hand was frigid, and his grip was tight. Jimin gasped. 

“Don’t.” Yoongi’s voice was sharp.

“Wh… What’s going on? You’re kinda starting to scare me.”

“I don’t mean to.” Yoongi let go of Jimin’s wrist.

“Why are you so cold?” Jimin went forward. Yoongi backed away but Jimin ignored him, grabbing his face. “Jesus, you’re freezing. Are you sick?”

“Not exactly,” Yoongi mumbled.

“Why won’t you look at me?”

“Jimin, please…” Yoongi leaned into his touch, his eyes screwed shut. “Please just go home… I promise, I’ll explain everything tonight.”

“No. You can explain right now, Min Yoongi.” Jimin crossed his arms and stood in front of the door, facing Yoongi. 

“It’s not easy,” Yoongi muttered. Jimin remained silent. He sighed. “Fine. I… I really wanted us to last.”

Jimin narrowed his eyes, not liking how this was sounding. Yoongi stuffed his hands into his pockets. 

“I’m a monster.”

“What makes you a monster?” Jimin pressed.

“Fangs? Death? Drinking blood?” Yoongi shrugged. “Any number of things. I mean a literal monster.”

Jimin laughed, shaking his head. “Oh, come on, don’t be silly. Yoongi, what is it really?” He asked. He flicked on the light. Yoongi winced visibly, raising his hand to shield from the indoor light.

Jimin’s entire body went cold. Yoongi was standing in front of him. His Yoongi – lean muscle and a sweet, round face, gentle eyes and guitar callused fingers… But not his Yoongi at the same time. The person in front of him was paler than Yoongi – his face almost grey it was so pale. His eyes were dark. Not just dark, but the pupils seemed to have expanded, filling the whites of his eyes and giving him a demonic gaze. 

Yoongi let his hand fall, his expression timid despite the horror his features implied. 

“You’re not human,” Jimin whispered.

“I’m a monster,” Yoongi agreed. “A vampire… Specifically.” He looked down. “Are you going to run away screaming now?”

“Make me, you troll,” Jimin grumbled. He let his arms fall and took a cautious step forward. 

“I’m a vampire, not a troll.”

Jimin grinned at that, seeing the curve of a smile on Yoongi’s lips. “I’ll get it right eventually… Am I in danger? Standing here like this?”

“No. I have excellent control over my feeding… Why aren’t you scared?” Yoongi looked up, meeting Jimin’s gaze.

“I am.”

“You aren’t showing it… Aside from a fast heartbeat… I can’t see any fear on your pretty face. And your heart beats fast around me all the time.”

Jimin smiled. “Flirting isn’t gonna get you out of the doghouse… Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“You’re right.” Yoongi snapped his fingers. “I always forget. When is the right date to tell your new boyfriend you died and came back as a bloodsucking creature of the night? That once a week you have to spend a day in a coffin literally dead or you get wildly sick? Isn’t it the third? Or no, the seventh?”

Jimin slapped Yoongi’s shoulder with some force, smirking when he cried out, rubbing it. “Weak for a vampire.”

“I’m immortal, not immune to my boyfriend’s abuse,” Yoongi grumbled.

“Do you drink blood?”

“Of course I do.”

“Human?”

“When I can.”

“From live people?”

“Is that jealousy I hear in your tone, Mr. Park?”

Jimin glared. “You lied to me for six months, I’m allowed to interrogate you.”

Yoongi smiled softly. “I’m frankly just… In amazement that you’re still standing here. And no… Not live humans, not for a very long time. You may proceed with the interrogation – but I insist on us moving out of my hallway and to an actual sitting location.” He pointed to the couch.

“Do you have anything to drink? If I open your fridge… Will I find bags of blood?”

Yoongi made a noise of offense and crossed his arms. “Of course not, I’m not some barbarian. You’ll find a recyclable bottle of that’s filled with blood. But my sodas are in the door.”

Jimin went over to the fridge and opened it. Sure enough, there were three large water bottles filled with a very suspicious reddish liquid. He grabbed a soda from the door and went over to the couch, sitting next to Yoongi.

“How old are you? I’m guessing that twenty-seven was a lie.”

“I was twenty-seven when I died. Thirty-one years ago.”

“Oooh, I bagged myself a silver fox, huh?”

Yoongi huffed once more. “I died at twenty-seven.”

“Mhm… And now you’re fifty-eight.” 

“Jimin, I’m gonna…” 

Jimin giggled. “I guess I shouldn’t tease you… You might bite me… Would you?”

“Bite you? Not unless you asked.”

“Would it turn me into a vampire?”

“No. There’s a very specific ritual for that.”

Jimin nodded. “Cool. So, what does a vampire do? Aside from drinking blood… What’s special about you? I’ve seen you in the day. You complain a whole lot, but you don’t sparkle or ignite like a firework. We’ve taken plenty of pictures together… And you eat way too much garlic. You also sleep at night, and probably too long… And you aren’t any stronger than I am.”

“You’re making me feel real great here, Jimin,” Yoongi joked, smiling as he spoke.

Jimin laughed. “Sorry—I just mean… You seem human. I’ve never… Really assumed anything was off about you.”

“The great thing about humans, is that you all really like to assume everyone is like you. You avoid the things that support the opposite. Inhuman behavior, to some degree, so long as it’s not shocking or jarring, you can brush off as an odd quirk, a funny trait. I’m close to human, yes, but I am not human. I complain in the sun because my skin is sensitive. Bursting into flames is a myth, but I do burn far easier than most humans. My skin’s melanin has decayed over the years without cellular growth.”

“Which is why you’re so pale too.”

Yoongi grunted an affirmative. “Garlic is a myth, as is the no reflection thing. I’m sure hundreds of years ago, maybe? There might have been some truth to it, but modern technology and modern mirrors work different, so I can see myself the same as you. I am stronger than you, but I do well at hiding it most of the time. Any displays of it, you either don’t see, or brush aside. I do also sleep at night, yes – because I’ve put myself on a human schedule. I do this so I can live among you all without problems. Once a week though, I must sleep during the day. Sleeping at night is akin to a human living on a series of short naps at mid-afternoon. It’s not fully restful and it’s dangerous to do long term. I compensate by sleeping through the day one day per week, in the appropriate resting place.”

“R… Resting place?”

“My coffin.”

Jimin’s eyes bulged. “Coffin?”

“Yes, I am dead. I have a coffin.”

“That you sleep in?”

“Once a week. Otherwise, I sleep in the bed.” 

Jimin nodded, his brows furrowed. 

“Gonna run yet?” Yoongi asked.

“No… Is there anything else different?”

“Well… We’re excellent in bed,” Yoongi joked. Jimin glanced up. “I mean it. We have a… Special thing about us. You’ve had sex with other men before me, right?”

“Yeah, a few.”

“Haven’t you ever noticed that when we have sex… I’m much—”

“Harder.”

Yoongi nodded. 

Jimin pouted. “I assumed it was because I just really turned you on. It’s because you’re a vampire?”

“Well, no, you really do turn me on... A lot. But a few days after I do my daytime sleep, I get naturally more rigid. I’m not sure why – I think it has something do with… Ah, well it’s gross. But it just happens.”

Jimin sat back, sighing softly. “You’re immortal.”

“Yes.”

“Honestly… I think that’s the thing that bothers me most about this. Not that you’re undead or drink blood or… But that you’re gonna never grow old. And I’m…”

“I’m sorry,” Yoongi whispered.

“If we work out…” Jimin began. “And stay together… You’ll turn me, right? You’d have to – for us to… Be together.”

“Not necessarily. While I wouldn’t hate the idea of someone’s company in my life… I know that a limited existence is so valued and important. It’s something that I would be willing to discuss… If we work out, and when you are older.”

Jimin nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Yoongi pressed. “That’s it?”

Jimin shrugged. “We all have secrets, Yoongi.”

“I doubt you have a secret as big as this, Jimin.”

“No… But I have one that… People have left for.”

Yoongi seemed to perk up a little at that, his brows furrowed. Despite the difference in his eyes, the sleek black, Jimin found his expression endearing and sweet. 

“I like your eyes like this… Can you change them at will?” He asked.

“No. They’re like this because I’ve not fed for a while. I have to keep myself fed and rested or they shift; they’ll be back to normal after I wake up and drink… What secret could you have that’s so big, Jimin?” 

“Well… I…” Jimin winced. “God, it’s weird as hell, I’m so sorry.”

“I won’t run,” Yoongi promised. “You’re sitting here next to me after finding out I’m a living dead monster. The least I can do is listen to your secret and try to understand.”

Jimin smiled softly at that. He nodded. “I like… Sleep sex.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like I like the idea of… Having sex with someone while they sleep or are unconscious. With their consent! I mean… I’d never… Do something nonconsensual.”

Yoongi remained silent a moment, thinking. “Do you want someone to have sex with you while you sleep? Or do you want to have sex with someone while they sleep?”

“Both, I guess. I like the idea of both. I’ve never done it. Most people stop talking to me after I tell them.”

“Why would they?” Yoongi pressed. “We all have kinks and fantasies.”

“Yeah, but a lot of them see it as a form of rape. And I get it, it’s a super grey area. You can’t change your mind while you’re asleep, so like… If you say it’s okay, and then as you drift off to sleep decide you don’t want it… Then it becomes nonconsent.”

Yoongi nodded in understanding. “Well I think that can be resolved just by open communication,” he said, touching his hand to his chin in thought. “If you trust your partner and they trust you, you two should be able to communicate what is and isn’t okay. I don’t think a kink like this is unsafe or unhealthy, as long as – like you said – it’s done with full consent.”

Jimin smiled cautiously, his heart skipping a beat. “You mean… You don’t find it gross?”

“Not at all.” Yoongi smiled. “I’m glad you shared it with me. I still don’t think it’s worse than me being a blood sucking monster… But I know it’s a secret you hold close, so I appreciate your trust. But… Would you want to try this with me someday?”

“Would I ever?” Jimin asked. He chuckled a little. “I fantasize about it a lot.” 

Yoongi smirked. He moved little closer, pulling Jimin to him. “Would you want to try it today?” He asked softly.

Jimin’s eyes widened. Yoongi continued. “Look… When I sleep… In my coffin. I’ll be honest with you. I don’t breathe. I don’t move. I am… For all intents and purposes… Dead. I don’t decay, obviously. But my body goes very cold, my lungs and heart go still… And my body stiffens, as a corpse would. That includes… My dick.”

Jimin remained quiet, processing what Yoongi was suggesting. Yoongi slid his hands over Jimin’s shoulders slowly as he spoke. “So, if someone… Say my very curious, very human boyfriend… Happened to get horny while I was sleeping in my coffin… He could climb in and use my body… Ride me… And I’d remain fully unconscious no matter what.”

“Because you’re dead…” Jimin clarified. 

Yoongi nodded. “Temporarily. I wouldn’t wake for anything, unless you shined sunlight on my body. So… If you want to do this…”

“Would you fuck me when you wake?” Jimin said quickly. “If I was sleeping, would you… Return the favor?”

“I wake in the late afternoon usually. You’d likely still be up.”

“Not if I took a sleeping pill,” Jimin suggested. “I have some, I used to get nightmares and they help. I don’t use them often, but I bring them just in case. I could take one after… And you could… Help get rid of your afternoon wood with my body.”

Yoongi shifted visibly on the couch. His tongue darted out, swiping over his lips. Jimin smirked. He leaned forward, sliding his hands up Yoongi’s thighs. “Does that idea sound good? You like it.”

Yoongi nodded. “I do,” he breathed. 

“We can do it today?”

“Yes but… Jimin… You understand what I mean. When I lay in my coffin… You will be looking at the equivalent of a corpse.”

“I understand. But you’re still you. You say you’ll only be still and cold… You won’t be decaying or rotting or anything you associate with a dead body. And you’ll be waking up and… We’ll be together.”

“Of course.”

“Would it turn you on? Knowing I used you while you… Rested?”

Yoongi smiled softly, lowering his gaze. “Frankly? That’s… An incredibly sexy thought. The thought of you climbing into my coffin with me alone is enough to… Well… I’ve thought of it more than once. I never even imagined you’d be willing to… Let alone wanting to… Do more.”

“Should I stay in the coffin with you? After I finish?”

“I’m afraid not.” Yoongi shook his head. “Waking from my rest is a very jarring thing. I fear I might accidentally hurt you. I have a bed in my room next to the coffin, you can sleep there.”

Jimin nodded. “I do want this as long as you do. And I do want you to… Do the same.”

Yoongi leaned forward, kissing Jimin gently. 

“Hey… You’re a vampire… Don’t you have fangs?”

“They retract. When I’m resting they will come out, so don’t kiss me – you could get poked. But when I’m awake I can pull them in and out as needed.”

“Can I see them?” Jimin whispered. 

Yoongi seemed to be thinking about it. He grinned then. His wide, gummy grin suddenly became something much more frightening… And sexier, when Jimin realized his canines had lengthened and transformed into sharp, deadly points. Jimin’s breath left in a rush. 

“Oh wow…”

Yoongi’s smile dropped again to a relaxed expression. “Satisfied?” He asked, his tone slightly breathier with the fangs in the way. 

Jimin nodded. “I think you need to go to bed soon,” he murmured.

Yoongi smirked, one fang peeking out of his lip. “Horny bastard.”

“Not my fault.” Jimin squeezed Yoongi’s thighs. “Should I wait out here?”

“Please. Though it’s not disturbing I do like going to sleep alone. You’re free to come in in about fifteen minutes… I’ll be resting by then. The lube is in the top drawer of the dresser in the bedroom. 

“See you in the evening,” Jimin said. Yoongi rose and leaned forward, pecking Jimin’s mouth gently. 

Fifteen minutes had never been so damn slow. Jimin finished his drink and paced around the apartment, trying to distract from the ticking clock. He took the time to explore Yoongi’s place; he’d never had a chance to before. He had quite a number of interesting trinkets that Jimin wanted to ask about when he woke up. He pulled off his coat and tugged on one of Yoongi’s hoodies, hugging himself in it as Yoongi’s scent drifted into his nostrils from the warm fabric. 

Finally. Fifteen minutes had passed. Jimin entered the bedroom carefully, letting his eyes adjust to the room, even darker than the living room. He found a lamp near a comfy looking bed and flicked it on, looking around. The light was soft, diffused by the heavy shade. In the center of the room was a large, dark coffin. Jimin approached it carefully, his heart in his throat. Inside was Yoongi, looking much paler than usual. He was entirely still, arms resting across his bare belly. He was in his boxers, his cock comically rigid, tenting the front up obscenely. He was stunning. 

Jimin hurried over to the dresser and opened the drawer, finding the lube easily. He shucked his jeans and boxers, crawling onto the bed. He set his sleeping medication on the bedside stand and relaxed into the pillow. It smelled richly of Yoongi’s scent, his cock thickening against his thigh. He moaned softly, stroking himself. He looked over at the coffin, his stomach clenching. This was really happening. He poured some of the lube on his fingers and spread it over his hole, sighing contentedly as he pushed a finger in to prep himself. 

When he was ready, Jimin rose, sliding the lube and his phone into his pocket. He went over to the coffin, taking a moment to gaze down at his beautiful lover. A vampire… He knew he’d likely have a moment of realization down the line – the understanding that this simple confession had flipped his life upside down. But he’d never been one to shy away from the macabre or bizarre, and he always wondered if supernatural creatures existed. Yoongi’s confirmation of that was… Unexpected, but not unwanted. 

Jimin carefully straddled Yoongi’s lap. He knew he couldn’t wake him, but the fear was half the fun. Yoongi was still hard, his position entirely unchanged from the first moment Jimin saw him. Jimin pulled his boxers down just under his balls, smirking when he saw the tip was a deep purple red. He wrapped his hand around it and stroked gently, surprised to find it cool to the touch. Yoongi really was a living dead person. 

A surprising twinge of arousal spiked through Jimin, making him shudder. He wondered if Yoongi could still come in this state. Only one way to find out.

He shifted over, taking the lube from his hoodie with shaking hands and adding some to Yoongi’s cock, and more to his own stretched hole. He moved over and began to settle into Yoongi’s cock, muffling his quiet gasps in his other hand. Yoongi’s cock was so hard it was almost painful. There was none of the give he was used to, forcing his ass open wide to take the tip, and sliding deep into him. He whimpered, shuddering hard when he took his entire length. 

“Yoongi,” he whined softly. Curious, he reached out, touching Yoongi’s pale, cool face. He held his hand by his nose for a moment. Nothing. No movement of air, no shift, nothing. He moaned again, reality slowly sinking in. There was nothing normal or right about this. But God, it felt good. He dropped his hand down, pulling Yoongi’s top lip back. As promised, there they were, sharp fangs, glinting dangerously. Jimin touched one, ever so tempted to prick his finger on it, let Yoongi taste him… But no. Jimin pulled his hand back. That could be discussed at a later time. He settled back on Yoongi’s stiff cock and whimpered. There was no give. He was gonna lose it fast at this rate.

Jimin began to ride him, moaning openly as Yoongi’s cock slid over his prostate. He reached into his hoodie and removed his phone, holding it up. He found his camera app and angled it to show his face first, his cheeks mottled red with arousal. He moaned openly as he pressed record, not bothering to shy away from looking and sounding obscene. 

“Your cock is so hard, Yoongi. You’re gonna break my ass in half, oh!” He shuddered, biting his lip and twisting his hips down. “Fuck, I’ve never had something this hard up my asshole, Yoongi… I’m gonna gape for hours after I’m done with you.”

He whined, his throat clicking as he struggled to swallow. He turned the camera, filming Yoongi’s body before turning it and balancing it behind him, so he could film himself riding Yoongi. He glanced back, smirking when he realized the camera was catching each long stroke, Yoongi’s cock sinking back into his ass. He spread himself and leaned forward, giving more light for the camera. He fucked himself hard and fast onto Yoongi’s cock, moaning and begging for more, not hiding the pleasure he was getting. He reached back and grabbed the phone, holding it up again.

“I’m gonna come, Yoongi,” he whined. “I’m gonna come from using your thick, hard cock, right here in your coffin. Wanna see?”

He turned the camera and lifted the front of the hoodie. His cock was bouncing with each thrust of his body, slapping gently off Yoongi’s still stomach. 

“I’m so glad you slept shirtless,” Jimin panted. “Make me come, Yoongi… Oh God, please… Fuck my ass harder…” He moved faster, whining high in his throat. It shifted to a shout when his cock began to spurt, shooting ropes of come over Yoongi’s hands and belly. He stroked himself, still riding Yoongi’s cock as he milked the last come from himself. He shuddered and giggled, moving the camera behind him as he pulled off Yoongi. He held his ass open, feeling the cool air tickle him far more intimately than it should.

“Look at that gape,” he mumbled. “Too bad it’s not dripping with your come.” He pulled the camera back as he crawled out of the coffin.

“I think I’m gonna leave you like this… Covered in my come, boxers down… Just so you wake up and know what I did to you.” 

He walked back over to the bed in the corner. “Now, Yoongi… I’m gonna leave the lube right there.” He angled the camera to show himself setting it on the nightstand and picking up the sleeping pill. “And I’m gonna take my sleeping medicine.” He angled the camera back to his face to show him swallowing it. 

“Now I’m going to sleep just like this… No shorts… And I would love it, if you want to… To repay the favor and use my ass while I sleep.” He smirked. “I wonder… Is your come as cold your body was when you first come back? You should let me know… I wonder how that feels inside me…” He shook his head. “Sleep well… See you soon.” He ended the video and sent it to Yoongi, forcing himself to stay awake long enough to hear the buzz of Yoongi’s phone in his coffin. He let himself drift off to sleep, dreams full of sexy, arousing thoughts. 

Jimin’s ass was on fire. He moaned softly, opening his eyes blearily. The first thing he saw was the coffin. He turned his head, spotting the clock… Nearly seven hours since he’d gone to sleep. 

“Morning Sunshine,” Yoongi murmured. Jimin turned, spotting him at his desk. A cup of deep red liquid sat next to him as he worked on something. “How’s your ass?”

“Sore,” Jimin mumbled, reaching back. He was met with a gush of body temperature fluids, pouring from his gaped hole. He whined. “Fuck…” His cock throbbed against the mattress. “What did you do?”

“Me? I simply did as you asked in your video… Very sexy, by the way. Would you like to watch?”

Jimin rolled over, groaning weakly. His cock was hard despite the pain in his ass. It was perfect. “Show me,” he whispered.

Yoongi rose and grabbed his phone. He went over to the bed and sat on it with Jimin, passing him the device. 

Yoongi did far less teasing and talking in his video. He set up the phone at an angle on the nightstand, allowing it to capture most of Jimin’s sleeping body. Yoongi slicked his cock, looking into the camera as he sank into Jimin with a moan. He began to thrust into him quickly, holding Jimin’s ass open as he did. He maintained looking at the camera most of the time, his eyes the same black they were when he went to sleep.

As Jimin watched himself get used on the phone, Yoongi pulled him onto his lap. He’d withdrawn his cock, Jimin could feel. He hissed and whined softly when Yoongi dragged him over and slid back into his come lubed hole.

“It’s sore,” he whined.

“You can get off then, I don’t mind,” Yoongi said, letting his hips go. Jimin smirked. He shifted to get a better angle to watch the video and began to bounce lazily on Yoongi’s cock.

On the video, Yoongi had picked up speed, grunting as he fucked Jimin’s sleeping body. He tossed his head back, shouting and baring his teeth.

Jimin moaned, catching sight of Yoongi’s fangs. He touched his own neck, a little disappointed at the lack of bite marks. Yoongi on video shuddered, his hips going still. He leaned forward, kissing Jimin’s shoulder.

“There’s my first load, Jimin. It was as cold as ice… I’ve never felt your hole squeeze me so tight. Next time I’ll do it when you’re awake… I bet you’ll squeal so pretty when it fills you…” 

Jimin moaned, leaning back against Yoongi. “I wanna feel,” he confessed.

“I’ll make sure you’re awake next time,” Yoongi promised. “Wanna see the rest?”

Jimin nodded, riding Yoongi a little faster.

On video, Yoongi picked up the pace, fucking Jimin’s ass harder than before. He used him for nearly forty minutes, filling his hole three times. Finally, he sagged his shoulders, kissing over Jimin’s back. 

“You’re so fucking sloppy, baby,” he grumbled. He grabbed the phone and angled it down. Jimin’s ass was red, his hole swollen around Yoongi’s cock. He pulled out slowly and come bubbled out, obscene sounds filling the air. Yoongi chuckled. “I’ll leave you like this. When you wake up I’ll give you one more, if you want it.”

The video went black. Jimin leaned forward, his ass aching at the new angle. “I want it,” he whispered.

Yoongi shifted, pulling out only long enough to get onto his knees. He sank back into Jimin’s  already filled ass, and they both moaned at the sloppy noises. Jimin leaned up, wrapping his arms back around Yoongi.

“Bite me when you come,” he whispered.

“You sure?” Yoongi was fucking him hard, his cock twitching.

“Yes,” Jimin promised. He reached down, stroking his cock in time with Yoongi’s thrusts. 

Yoongi was huffing erratically, holding tight to his middle. His fangs grazed Jimin’s shoulder. 

“Are you mine?” Yoongi panted in his ear.

“Yes—“

“Give yourself to me.” Yoongi grabbed his wrist, pulling his hand off his cock. “All the way. Are you mine, Jimin?”

“Yes, yes!” Jimin moaned. 

“I’m yours as well, Park Jimin,” Yoongi whispered. He slammed his cock deep. It began to throb, spilling inside Jimin. At the same time, Jimin felt a sharp pain and then a pressure on his shoulder. Pure pleasure washed over him. His cock began to spurt ropes of come, jerking hard enough to make them land on the floor in front of him. He shouted Yoongi’s name, reaching back and holding his neck as Yoongi drank from him. 

The two collapsed on the bed as their orgasms faded. Yoongi kissed and licked at the wound on Jimin’s shoulder until the blood clotted, sliding his softening cock carefully from Jimin’s aching ass.

“You okay?” Yoongi asked, nudging Jimin’s shoulder with his nose as they cuddled back to chest on the bed.

“I’m great,” Jimin whispered.

“No regrets? Still okay with it?”

“Fully… You?”

“It was so exciting,” Yoongi admitted. “When I woke and felt your come on me… And then saw you sleeping… And that video was stunning. You were so beautiful.”

Jimin smiled shyly. “We’ll have to go easy the next few nights… I’m really sore.”

“Of course. I’ll be gentle for a while, let you heal up.” Yoongi kissed over his shoulder. “Did the bite hurt?”

“No. It felt good… How often can you drink from me?”

“I’d prefer not to often. Living human blood, not bagged, it’s… Very rich and sweet, almost like candy. It can become addictive. I’m honored you let me, but I’ll save it as a treat for myself, if you don’t mind?”

“Of course.” Jimin turned as well as he could. His gaze searched Yoongi’s face, finally dropping down to his mouth, lips pink and cheeks mottled. “It was so interesting. Seeing you in your coffin.”

“I know it can be frightening.”

“No…” Jimin shook his head. “I think it sank in… That I was looking at someone who wasn’t alive. But knowing you’d be awake soon after, it was… This bizarre sort of… Taboo but sexy thing? I’m a freak, aren’t I?” Jimin’s shoulders sagged. 

“No more than I.” Yoongi nudged him again. “We can be freaks together.”

Jimin grinned. “Yoongi?” He said softly.

“Hm?”

“I feel gross.”

“Because of what we did?”

“No, silly.” Jimin laughed. “Because your come is gluing my ass and legs together. I need a shower.”

Yoongi laughed brightly, nodding. “Agreed. Let’s get one... It’s almost dinner, you’re probably starved.”

“You aren’t,” Jimin teased, rising slowly. “No, but I could eat. I’ll take you out after the shower.”

They walked together to the bathroom. “How does eating human food work with being a vampire?”

“Same as it works being alive,” Yoongi said, turning on the water. “It’s just empty calories for me – Which is why I never eat much.”

“There’s so much I feel like I have to learn about what you are… How life is for you.” Jimin crossed his arms as he waited for the water to warm. Yoongi straightened up and wrapped his arms around him. Now that Jimin was aware, he could feel that Yoongi was a few degrees cooler, his skin just a bit paler than human. 

“You can ask anything you need. We have time, and I’ll tell you all you want to know.”

“Yoongi…” Jimin leaned against him, hugging him tightly. He could hear Yoongi’s heart, glugging along at a lethargic pace. He smiled softly. “Can I confess something to you?”

“Hm?” Yoongi asked, resting his chin on Jimin’s shoulder. “I think I’ve fallen in love with you,” Jimin whispered. 

Yoongi went still, his heart skipping a little faster. “Jimin… Say that again,” he said.

“I… I’ve fallen in love with you.”

Jimin could feel Yoongi’s lips curve up into a smile against his shoulder. “In nearly sixty years of existence… I have never heard more beautiful words,” Yoongi admitted. “I love you too, Jimin… I feel like I’ll love you forever.”

Jimin pulled back, meeting Yoongi’s gaze. His eyes were back to their normal soft brown. He smiled. “Coming from someone who is immortal… That’s the most beautiful thing I could hear.”

Yoongi leaned forward, kissing Jimin deeply. He pulled him close, and Jimin melted into the touch. Yoongi may have cold skin, may drink blood and die once a week – but Jimin had never felt safer or warmer than he did at that very moment in Yoongi’s arms. 

#thebtswritersclub #yoonmin #jimin x yoongi #yoongi x jimin #jimin smut #yoongi smut #jimin #yoongi #mywriting

[im-fairly-whitty]

Taken - A Frozen Oneshot

Thinking about how messed up it is that Kristoff is literally abducted by trolls as a child and we see only a few seconds addressing it and none of the repercussions. Decided to fix that by showing behind the scenes and shoveling on a big dose of real troll child stealing/changeling lore.

  “Henrick, please, Kristoff isn’t old enough to go out with the ice cutters, what if he’s taken by-”

“Ida, so help me you’d better not say trolls.” Henrick said, his voice getting a little gruff and sharp as he yanked on one of his boots.

He didn’t like arguing with his wife, he wasn’t like some men he knew who always tried to cow their spouses into submission, but they’d had this particular conversation so many times.

“He’s only eight, Henrick.” Ida said pleadingly, one hand on Kristoff’s blonde head as the boy held onto her skirts, watching them both with his big brown eyes, “He doesn’t even have a name that could protect him.”

“He has a proper Christian name.” Henrick said, shoving his foot into his other boot, “If you’d had your way he would have been saddled with some superstitious nonsense like “Hiccup.” I swear it’s like you want to curse the boy yourself, keeping him inside all day, never letting him out of your sight. He’s not a little girl, he’s got to get out with the men and learn his trade, I’m not letting you keep him cooped up indoors learning how to cook and knit and wear dresses.”

“I like cooking, I don’t mind!” Kristoff said brightly.

Henrick looked at his wife flatly.

“He’s nearly old enough to be safe,” Ida said, starting to sound desperate as Henrick packed his ice tools into his rucksack, “Just a couple more years and he’ll be too old to take, the trolls won’t want him when he’s twelve and then you can take him on all the trips you want, he’s a fast learner, he’ll catch up quickly.”

“Trolls. Aren’t. Real.” Henrik said, really starting to feel angry now. He stood, coming over by the fireplace, standing over her, “Kristoff is real. Ice trading is real. Our livelihood is real.” He growled, roughly rubbing his face with a sigh, “Look, I promise I won’t let him out of my sight, alright? We’ll be back before dark and I promise he won’t be taken by trolls. You can’t keep him tangled in your apron strings forever. He’s a strong boy, he’ll be fine. I promise .”

Ida folded her arms, biting her trembling lip as she looked up at him. Henrick’s gruffness turned to guilt as he watched her try not to cry.

He shouldn’t have pushed so hard. Kristoff was their only child and the light of her world, he knew she’d been truly terrified ever since Rikke’s boy had gone missing in the middle of the night a few years back. Henrick and the other men knew it had to have been Edde wandering off but the womenfolk had whispered of fae for months after. It was the downside to living in a small village, every shift of a snowdrift was the fault of some troll or ice mage or wandering spirit that had to be appeased. But Ida was still his wife and he needed to be more gentle with her feelings, even if they were wrong.

Henrick pulled Ida into a hug, wrapping his arms around her. “I’m sorry for pushing.” he said gently, “If it really bothers you I can take him out some other time, I just want him to be prepared for his future.”

She buried her face against his shoulder, “I just don’t want to lose either of you.”

“You won’t.” Henrick said, kissing the top of her head, “I promise.”

“Mama, can I go?” They both looked down at Kristoff, who was still holding onto Ida’s skirt with one hand, his set of tiny metal ice tongs he’d gotten for his last birthday in the other. His eyes were bright, even if his voice was hesitant. “I promise I won’t get taken by trolls. Sven and I want to be the best ice merchants ever, and we gotta practice!”

Henrick looked at his wife, waiting for her to decide. She rubbed the side of her face like she always did when she was hesitant.

“Do you really want to go?” she asked.

“Yes!” Kristoff said excitedly, bouncing up and down a little, “Please? I can take my new sled! I’ll work hard, I promise!”

“I won’t let him out of my sight.” Henrick said, putting a comforting arm around her waist, “We shouldn’t be out too late since we’re getting an early start, but the boys are leaving soon.”

“Alright.” Ida said, looking tired and worried, but forcing on a small smile, “Kristoff you have to promise me you’ll stay right by your father and not wander off. Keep all your snow gear on and don’t fall in the water.”

“I will!” Kristoff shouted with glee, really jumping up and down now, “This is going to be the best day ever! I’ll bring you home so much ice Mama, you’ll be able to build a whole other house!”

“I bet you will.” Ida said, bending down and scooping him into a tight hug, kissing his forehead before letting him go, “You’d better go get ready if you’re going to leave in time with Papa.”

“I’ll go tell Sven!” Kristoff said, tearing off the moment she let him go.

“We’ll be back before you know it.” Henrick said, smiling as he hugged her again, “But don’t get your hopes up about a new house.” he teased.

“Well if he grows up to be half as good as you then we’ll be plenty well off in old age.” Sedsel said, her smile was still small, but it felt real again.

 ***

 “You’ve done a fine job there, boy.” Henrick said, grinning down at the little chunk of ice Kristoff had pulled out of the lake, only about the size of a single brick.

“Thanks!” Kristoff said. His cheeks were flushed and he was panting as he tried to latch his tongs onto the block again, dragging the little block backward across the ice, “I’m gonna load it onto my sled so we can sell it!”

It was far later than Henrick had thought they’d be out, the sun having already dropped below the horizon by the time the men were finally loading the last of the harvested ice up onto the sleigh. Everyone was clearing up by the light of their yellow-green lanterns, making sure all the tools had been gathered up.

Ida would probably be frantically pacing by the front window by now, Henrick already having broken half his promise of being home before dark.

“You sure you don’t want me to load it onto the sleigh with the rest of the ice?” Henrick asked his son, balancing his own massive steel ice tongs on his shoulder, “You and Sven can ride up with us, it’s already getting dark, your mother’s going to tan my hide for having you out this late.”

“No,” Kristoff said, concentrating hard as he continued to struggle with his tongs, the points slipping loose over and over across the ice block’s sides. “Sven wants to pull the sled and the ice by himself.”

Kristoff seemed to have lost his hat at some point and had been enthusiastically “helping” harvest ice all day. He was doubtlessly exhausted, not having built up the dexterity and strength that handling tongs required like the other more experienced boys his age had.

Henrick heard a whistle and a shout from the ice sleigh as the others loaded up. It was time to head back. It would be faster to just scoop up Kristoff, reindeer, sled and ice block all in one armful and carry them to the sleigh, but Henrick couldn’t bring himself to stomp on his son’s independent spark. Even if he couldn’t keep up quite yet he could at least help boost the boy’s confidence.

“Alright, but I think you’ll have better luck just pushing it yourself, I’ll carry your tongs.” Henrick said, stooping to take the metal tool and ruffle his son’s hair, “You and Sven can handle your ice yourself but I’ll be watching you from the sleigh, alright? We’ll be moving much slower than we did on the way here, but be sure to keep up. Maybe after supper we can finish that dog wood carving we’ve been working on together.”

“Okay Papa!” Kristoff said, starting to push the ice block with his mittens, already moving much faster than he’d been managing with the tongs.  

Henrick chuckled, patting Sven as he passed him on the way to the sleigh. Not every child in the village could boast owning their own reindeer calf, but being well off meant that Henrick could afford to treat his son to some of the nicer things.

He grunted as he pulled himself up to stand on the side of the sleigh, holding onto the wooden slats as he peered back into the darkness. Kristoff had just managed to get his ice block onto his sled, nearly falling over himself as he did so, but he and Sven got moving right as the sleigh under Henrick did, everyone beginning to move forward across the snow.

Good. They’d all be home safe soon enough, a warm supper and a quiet evening by the fire with Kristoff and Ida sounded like heaven right now.

Henrick looked up at the night sky, gazing up at the northern lights that had begun their silent dance above them, ethereal ribbons of shimmering green twisting across the sky.

 ***

 Being out with Papa all day had made Kristoff tired, but it had been so exciting!

Kristoff rubbed his thick leather mitten against his nose as Sven pulled their sled. He’d lost his hat earlier and the freezing wind was starting to bite his nose and ears, but it was okay, he was basically a grown up now, and grown-ups could ride home all by themselves. He saw Papa up ahead on the big sleigh look back at him, checking on him again before looking ahead. The grown-ups had loaded so much ice on the sleigh that it was super easy for Sven to keep up, Papa didn’t have to keep worrying about him.

Kristoff couldn’t wait to show Mama the block of ice he’d pulled out of the lake all by himself with only a little help from Papa. When she saw how good he’d done maybe she’d let him go out even more so that-

He heard the thundering of horse hooves and turned to see a pair of horses whip past him, carrying their riders through the woods and back into the night.

Kristoff’s eyes got wide, behind one of the horses was a spreading path of ice , a beautiful sparkling trail frosting across the grassy ground.

What kind of horse was that?

Kristoff had to see more.

He quickly unclipped Sven’s harness and jumped on his back, leaving the sled and ice behind and turning them around to follow the ice horse as quickly as they could. The grown-up sleigh was moving so slow that they’d catch up with them again no problem as soon as Kristoff figured out what was going on.  

Papa wouldn’t even notice he was gone.

 ***

 Kristoff was gone.

Henrick had just checked on him, had seen the tiny sled trundling right behind them in the night with its lantern swinging, and now not even ten minutes later he was gone.

Henrick shouted hoarsely for the sleigh to stop, jumping down as quickly as he could. He’d been exhausted from the long day only a minute ago but now he was on fire with panic. He shouted Kristoff’s name as he walked back through the trees, the other men starting to get off the sleigh behind him.

Kristoff must have gotten distracted by something and wandered off for a moment, maybe his sled had gotten caught, or Sven had gotten tired.

As soon as Henrick hiked back around the last bend he’d see Kristoff and he’d have to lecture him about keeping up. The boy had lost his sled privileges was for certain, he’d have to ride on the sleigh from now on.

Which is why the pit of fear in Henrick’s stomach was irrational. Nothing had happened to his son, he’d only lost sight of him for a few minutes. It was just Ida’s old housewife superstitions getting at him was all.

 ***

 Bulda hadn’t expected the human King and Queen to come to the troll glen tonight, she hadn’t expected them to bring the little human princesses to Grand Pabbi for healing and memory rearranging either.

But most of all she hadn’t expected her very own delightful little human boy to wander all the way up to her herself. And with his own little reindeer calf too!

“Well aren’t you just adorable!” Bulda said.

She smiled as she petted the boy’s hair, a beautiful shiny blonde, his outfit was charmingly well made too. Everyone else would be jealous to see what a good looking child she’d found, and she hadn’t even had to break into a human house to get him either.

“Who are you?” the boy asked, looking curiously at her stony hand, “And what was going on with the family? Was the girl sick?”

“Well, I’m a troll silly. You'll have to get used to it now that you're staying here with us.” Bulda chuckled, taking the boy’s hand and turning it over, marveling at the soft smooth skin, “And she’ll be alright, just humans meddling with things they don’t understand. What’s your name?”

“S-stay with you?” the boy said, his eyes getting wide with fear. He tried pulling his hand away and the reindeer calf balked back away from her.

“What kind of a name is that?” Bulda teased, keeping ahold of the boy’s hand. Human children were always jumpy when they were first adopted, but it wasn’t too hard to calm them down as long as she kept him from running off before she could clean up his memories a bit, “Come on, tell us your name.”

“Kristoff,” said Kristoff, his voice squeaking a bit in fear as he kept trying to yank arm away, “Let go please, I want to go back to my Papa, he’ll be worried.”

“Kristoff.” Bulda said with a smile, pulling just a bit at his memories now that she had his name. A good Christian name by the feel of it, “Oh you’ll like it out here, lots of trees and mushrooms and mud for little boys to play with. Come and meet the family, they’ll all be excited to meet you!”

“But...” Kristoff said, his pulling getting weaker as a look of confusion spread over his face, “But Mama...”

“I thought you said you were an orphan?” Bulda asked patiently, “Weren’t you just telling me you don’t have a family?”

“I...yeah. I think so.” Kristoff said slowly, looking around, “Why am I out here?

“Because we’re you’re family!” Bulda smiled, gently pushing him further into the glen as the others started noticing her new human child, pointing excitedly, “Why else would you be out here in the woods all alone? It’s because you belong with us.”

Kristoff smiled hesitantly as he stiffly stepped forward, but quickly loosened up as the others eagerly gathered around him. Changing around human memories was just too easy.

She looked over at the reindeer calf, which still looked nervous and wary, but a gentle pat on the head fixed that, and soon it had happily joined Kristoff.

Bulda wandered off to the side for a moment, cracking her knuckles before picking up a hunk of old wood. Kristoff’s old family would be wondering where he’d gone so she needed to send them something in return to keep them off the trail.

After all, if they’d been careless enough to let a properly named blonde child out of their sight then they probably didn’t really care about their child, now did they?

She concentrated as she carefully poured a strong enchantment onto the wood, it must have been decades since she’d last made a changeling, but she could still manage well enough.

Once she’d finished she shooed it back off into the woods, watching her handiwork shuffle off into the trees. She dusted her stony hands in satisfaction, turning back to the others who were all enthusiastically gathering around her new human.

She smiled and rolled over to join them. Tonight was a night for celebration.

 ***

 “Kristoff!” Henrick shouted, his voice starting to feel hoarse now.

He didn’t know how long he’d been searching now, it might have been an hour, it might have been weeks. Kristoff’s sled was gripped under his arm as he kept swinging the lantern back and forth. He’d found it sitting alone with only the tiny iceblock left on it. No child or reindeer to be seen.

“Henrick,” Orrin said, putting a hand on his shoulder, “we need to get the ice back to the village and packed before it melts, we’ll come back with more men to search.”

“He’s got to be here!” Henrick said, jerking his arm away and crashing through more brush, “I’m not leaving, help me look! Kristoff!”

The pit of fear in his stomach had grown and swallowed him whole, making it feel as if he’d dropped into a nightmare that refused to end.

What if he never found Kristoff? What if he did find Kristoff but something had happened to him? There were wolves in these mountains, there were cliffs and rivers, dozens of places a young child could disappear into in the dead of night and never ever be found again.

And what would Ida say if he really had lost their little boy.

He swung the lantern again, what was left of his heart continuing to drop as he peered uselessly into the all-consuming shadows of the looming trees around them. How had he been so stupid, how had he ever let Kristoff out of his sight long enough to-

He froze as he heard something. Something that sounded like the sniffling of a small child.  

He crashed through another barrier of brush, his lantern light falling on what looked like a little boy wandering by himself through a clearing.

“Kristoff!” Henrick choked, rushing up and falling to his knees, setting the lantern down and scooping his son into a tight hug, “What happened? Where did you go? Are you alright?”

Henrick would have become angry then after having been scared to death, but Kristoff stood stiff in his hug, only continuing to sniffle. Not acting at all like he usually did.

“Son, are you alright?” Henrick asked more gently, taking Kristoff’s face in his hands, “Where’s Sven?”

Kristoff said nothing, only hanging his head miserably as he began to cry.

A heavy chill settled over Henrick that had nothing to do with the dropping temperature. Something was very very wrong.

He stood, scooping up his son as he looked warily at the dark forest around him. They needed to get home. Now.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be back to Mama soon, everything’s okay.” Henrick said, grabbing the lantern and pushing back through the underbrush as quickly as he could.

Something was deeply wrong with these woods and he wanted to get out of them as quickly as possible.

 ***

 “Henrick, that’s not our son.”

“How can you say that?” Henrick whispered back sharply, his arms folded so tightly that it was starting to hurt as they both stood in the doorway of Kristoff’s bedroom, watching him sleep. “He’s just been sick, that’s why he’s been acting like this.”

But he couldn’t pretend anymore that he’d had the same terrifying thought himself.

Over the last few days Kristoff had been acting like a completely different child, always crying without saying why, hardly speaking, usually sitting on his own and sullenly lashing out whenever they tried to coax him out.

Only so much could be attributed to the loss of his reindeer, which is what they’d assumed was wrong at first. But as Kristoff seemed to become more and more ill, despite how much food he kept demanding and voraciously eating, Henrick found himself longing for how his son had been only a week ago.

“What...what if he’s really a-?” Ida started.

“Don’t.” Henrik said, but he pulled her into a tight embrace as they continued watching the child in Kristoff’s bed, a tuft of blonde hair sticking out over the blanket, “Don’t say it.”

“Can we take him to the church tomorrow?” Ida asked, looking up at him, tears in her eyes, “Just, just to have the priest make sure.”

“Alright.” Henrick said, his breath shaking just a bit, “We’ll take him to the church tomorrow.”

“Thank you.” Ida said softly.

“Go to bed, I’ll come in a moment.” Henrick said, letting her go.

She nodded, glancing back at Kristoff before leaving.

Henrick stood in the dark quiet of the night, silently watching the boy sleep as the house creaked in the night wind around them, the dim light of a candle flickering around the small room.

They’d take Kristoff to the church tomorrow and get the priest's blessing, they’d pay the doctor to come around again and get him to give them a straight answer about what was wrong with their boy and how to fix it. Henrick would buy Kristoff a new reindeer, he’d let him stay inside with his mother as much as he wanted, he’d do anything he had to to get his son back to the way things had been.

He felt a chill run down his spine as a sharp draft whipped through the room, snuffing out the candle at the bedside and dropping the room into darkness.

Henrick looked over his shoulder, despite knowing no one was there, unable to shake a sudden creeping feeling that had come over him. Where had a draft that strong come from?

He crossed the room, his eyes slowly adjusting in the darkness as he pulled a match from his pocket, striking it and relighting the bedside candle. He picked up the empty ceramic water pitcher as he turned to leave the room for the night, unable to keep from glancing one more time at Kristoff’s bed.

For years afterward the neighbors would tell in hushed whispers about being woken by Henrick and Ida’s screams in the middle of the night, of rushing to their aid with crossbows and axes, expecting to find that a wolf or a bear had broken into their son’s bedroom.

But instead finding them both standing amid the shards of a smashed water pitcher, the wife having fainted dead away at the sight of an old crumbling log rotting in their son’s bed.

#frozen #kristoff #sven #trolls #AND ITS ALL CANON COMPLIANT TOO #this is what happens when I scream about something with Slush for too long #wit writes #my ocs #henrick #ida #I mean come on people #talk about a disney airbrush this stuff is terrifying

[writingdotcoffee]

#41: Meditation

Welcome to another Writing Update — a weekly journal where I document the ups and downs of my writing life. I spent most of my writing time this week rewriting two chunky chapters. I’m getting close to the end of ACT 1, which is nice, but it also means that I have about three-quarters of the book still to go. Why do revisions take so much time?

I wasn’t going to talk about meditation this week, but a funny thing happened that perfectly illustrates what meditation does for me.

I started meditating over a year ago. I listen to calm instrumental music, close my eyes and focus on my breathing for 10 minutes. Meditation has become an essential part of my morning routine now. But when I started experimenting with it over a year ago, it wasn’t clear to me what the effect was.

Anyway, here’s the story.

It was bank holiday here in the UK on Monday. The weather was warm and sunny. I’ve got a book to edit, so I spent most of the day in the library, working away on the manuscript. It went well, so in the evening, we decided to take a short walk around a lake in one of the parks close by.

The first clouds sneaked up on us from behind while we walked. The first raindrops fell tentatively when we got to the park as if to test whether it was safe to land there. Being used to the rain in England, we ignored it and went on. We reached the little shop near one of the lakes just before closing time, got some strawberry slush and headed on.

That was when the first thunder rolled, and the rain came down. Not a light, summery shower. A full-on torrential downpour there and then. We took shelter under a reasonably thick chestnut to wait it out. It subsided for about a minute only to come back even stronger. It rained so much that it didn’t matter where we stood, it trickled straight through the foliage to land in lumpy drops straight on our heads.

After 15 minutes, we were so thoroughly soaked that there was no point in waiting under the tree. We finished the slush and headed home in the downpour. It goes without saying that the rain stopped when we were 5 minutes away from our front door. Clear skies followed.

That’s not why I’m telling you this story. It’s what was going through my mind when we were standing under that tree, watching the rain grow stronger until it became clear that not a thread would be dry on us when we came home.

I spent a bank holiday working my ass off indoors. Tired and a little grumpy, I head outside for five minutes and one of the strongest storms of the last couple of months comes down right when there’s nowhere to hide. What a bloody joke? That’s how I might have thought about it in the past.

As I stood under the tree, I felt a hint of those emotions passing through my mind. They disappeared as quickly as they came up. I stood there with cold water trickling upon my head, watching the beautiful patterns in the rain, happy that we went out for the walk anyway.

My shoes and clothes are dry by now, and I’m left with a cool memory. How often do you get to feel the rain coming down like that?

That's how a regular, long-term meditation practice helps me. It makes me mindful of my feelings and allows me to step aside for a moment to evaluate whether my automatic reaction is productive or not.

Being rained on is quite a banal example. The next time, I can be rejected by a publisher or hated on by an online troll. And I believe that meditation will allow me to step away from my immediate emotions and choose a reaction that’s appropriate for the situation. Writing books is a damn long road paved with rejection, criticism and discouragement. Meditation can give you the resilience to keep going for a long time.

At first, it can be difficult to see the effects of daily meditation practice in your life. They’re subtle and you hardly ever realise, but they will be there when you need them the most.

(For those wanting to try meditation: there are many ways to do it. But what you do is nowhere near as important as doing it regularly and sticking to it for the long-term. I recommend doing it every day for at least three months.)

What I am reading

I finished The Thirst by Jo Nesbo. A superb book with lots to learn about foreshadowing, suspense and pacing. Jo Nesbo is a great plotter and writes excellent scenes (and scene breaks).

Next, I picked up What I talk about when I talk about running by Haruki Murakami. I found it randomly during one of my local charity shop dives. It might have been the best £3 that I’ve ever spent. I’m a runner myself, and all I can say is that Haruki’s parallels between long-distance running and writing novels couldn’t be more accurate.

If you don’t run, I’m sure that you’ll at least enjoy the author’s delightful voice.

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Past Editions

#40: Journaling

#39: Weekly planning for creatives, May 2018

#38: Morning routines, May 2018

#37: A Baseline, May 2018

#36, April 2018

#writing #writers #write #writing tips #writing advice #amwriting #meditation #writing update #writing life #writing updates #update #personal #me #writing coffee #writingdotcoffee #writingcoffee

[cataclizard]

BfA dabbling AHOY ٩( ᐛ )و

The sounds of clanging and crunching rang through the air, the skies above the chaos darkening with each enemy brought down by a stray Lightforged... he could have sworn it was sunrise just minutes ago. How long had he been keeping this up?

Tza'quur grit his teeth as he braced against a Troll warrior ramming into him, the impact causing his hooves to dig into the dry earth before pushing back against the Horde fighter. He absolutely hated this.

Just months ago he could recall these new, unknown forces appearing on Argus and providing the past big push to finally defeat the Legion... it was hard to believe those were considered the 'good times'. The Draenei's train of thought was interrupted, however, when the warrior opposite of him clocked her skull against his, causing the paladin to stagger before feeling a dagger dig into his side; the one vulnerable spot he had and deep enough to actually pierce his tough hide. A desperate, jerking swing connected with the Trolls upper arm and earned a horrid screech before she retreated. Self preservation no doubt taking over.

Tza'quur uttered a curse in his native tongue as he grabbed the daggers rough handle, inhaling through his teeth before yanking it out; the sudden flood of blue-gold blood trickling down his side caused him great concern, to put it mildly. I need to get out of here... glowing eyes glanced around the immediate area, seeing the ensuing war continuing closer to the gates of the Forsaken capital and feeling a twinge of relief... followed quickly by a rush of cold weakness through his being.

Reaching for the satchel on his belt, his free hand went to cover his wound as he fumbled to find his hearthstone. The sooner the better. Grasping the palm sized stone, he brought it up to his chest and waited for its spell to take effect; his body wobbling with another rush of cold.

Not here, it can't happen here... they can't know they can't- his creeping anxiety was interrupted by the sudden pull as his stone spirited him homeward, his vision and focus fading faster than he could hide away. The scenery at last changed from a ruined battlefield to the rolling fields of Mac'Aree, giving Tza'quur a moment of relief before his legs gave out, collapsing with a heavy thud. His home was just a few feet away... yet he could barely muster the strength to pull himself indoors before his vision finally went dark.

He could only hope that none would see him; not like this...

#long post #tza'quur #tfw u a rock lizard disguised as a goat and u have to stay conscious to use said disguise

[namjoonchronicles]

Cats - [Day6] Jaehyung!Au

[A/N] Teehee.

Having a cat is both a blessing and a curse. They tend to bring weird things home like sticks, dried leaves, and dead mouses. You searched online and it was because they treasure you so much, they bring home things they would consider as ‘gifts’. It’s cute, it really is, but it gets tiring because you would have to suffer cleaning up afterwards, and being a successful catmom, you nagged on and on, even though you knew that Linda wouldn’t understand any of it. But after every cleaning up session, you would feel so relieved. Although, you didn’t like coming home from work having to clean. No one in this world would like that.

But Linda, your gray British short-hair, isn’t like any other cats sometimes. He steals. Yes, he is a he and his name is Linda. Linda, brought home slippers once and you starting to wonder if he knows that other cats in this world doesn’t do that. You feel conflicted to tell him, fearing he might feel self-conscious. One day, you might. Just not now. But today...

You woke up to Linda walking in with a neon bright pink bra between his teeth. He knows he can’t get on the bed with you so he placed the bra on the floor and sat like he is proud of his work. Your phone buzzed an incoming call from your best friend. “Dude, I’ll call you back. Linda brought something home…” You sat up, pressing the phone to your ear between your shoulder. “Is it a body?” She asked. And you scowled, “...A bra. I think my cat is broken.” You slid off the bed and grabbed a sweatshirt. “Put me on speaker, I need to praise him. Way to go, Linda. She needed a new bra.” Your best friend just roast you and it’s not even noon. “Bye bitch.” You pressed a thin smile and hung up before she could even say a word.

Throwing your phone face down on the bed, you heard in beeped a message in. “Just calling to remind you that the wedding is today and you have to bring someone. Doesn’t matter who.” Your best friend texted. “Can I not go?” You replied. And then shortly, when you slide your head through the neck hole of your sweater, you heard another beeping. That must be her replying, but you wanted to settle the problem Linda brought first. Resting your hands on your hip, you scolded calmly, “Where did you get this, Linda. I didn’t raise you like this. Last time you brought other people’s mail for me, now tell me. From where did you get this.” You were darting lasers from your eyes at Linda.

Linda purred. “Don’t you use that on me, it will not work this time. I don’t care how cute you are, what’s not yours is not yours, period!” You scolded. Linda walked to the entrance and waited for you to follow. You’re the only owner on this floor that has a cat door. None of the other owners has cats. Linda guided you out the cat door and then peeked his head back as if to ask you why you’re following. “I can’t fit in there.” You sighed and opened the door. Linda guided you down the stairs. “Oh wow, you’ve really done it this time. Did you cross the country, with a really bright neon bra in between your teeth, you really have no shame.” You nagged, shoving both hands in your pocket, not forgetting to bring the bra with you, dugged in your kangaroo pocket.

“Another floor down?” You whined. But you spoke too soon. Because Linda brought you down to the ground floor, only to bring you upstairs again. “You demon.” You cursed. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you. To me suffering like this. Look at you go.” You started to breath heavily. “I am your mother, you asshole.” Linda meowed back at you. “Don’t talk back to me.” You hissed and he meowed again. “Oh you.” You huffed and finally at the top floor, he stopped. “You just want me to work out. I will send you out for an adoption after I find the owner of this gawd damn bra.” It was Saturday morning and you were sweating. “I mean it.” You growled, clinging to the handles. Linda then proceeds to the door at the end. “Wow, I fed you too much, look at the energy you have. Climbing to the top floor, stealing. Linda, I will do something to you. I will never let you watch your favourite cartoons anymore.”

Linda sat at the doorstep and like a good kitty, he waited. He then placed his paw to the door, and tap it lightly. “No one is going to hear that.” You rolled your eyes, hiding behind a wall, laughing at your cat like a maniac. But then, the inevitable happened. You heard the knob being turned and the door beeped open. “Oh hey… Got a bowl of food for you, hold on a sec.” A husky voice greeted Linda at the door. Even though the door was left open, Linda didn’t walk in. “I’m running out of cat food, but I’m going to the shop downstairs to get one for you later.” He set one knee on the floor and placed the bowl next to his door, watching Linda eat it. You sneered at Linda’s back view, “...That traitor.”

This guy, blonde, boring a pair of round glasses, snapped his head in your direction but you repelled as quickly as you could. Taking a deep breath, you decided to be brave and stepped out of your hiding. “I am an adult now, I have to talk to people.” You chanted to yourself. “I have to, I have to.” This oddly attractive man was stroking Linda’s head as he eats. He himself was holding a Granola bar. He was dressed in odd PJs with pizza prints on them. And you already liked the fact that he’s weird. “Hi.” You stammered. He looks at you, confused and stood up. You didn’t expect him to be tall, but damn, is he tall. “Hello.” His voice sounded as if it’s coated with honey. He looks adorable.

What’s this now. This cat usually brings no one. It’s been months since I moved here and I had never seen this girl. This is awkward. What could it be?

Could it really be his or is Linda trolling on me? Can a guy wear a bra? Why did Linda brought me here? What do I say? Hi, I think I have something that belongs to you? A bra? Would he admit it? Is it really his?

You started of with where you were staying and your name, and that the cat is yours. Everything is going smoothly, now...to the main objective of why you’re here. You literally want to take out the bra and take Linda to run off as quickly as you can. “Park Jaehyung. I live here on this floor. May I know why you’re here? Are you here to sell insurance.” He accused, already half way inside his door. “Are you here to scold me because I fed your cat?”

Starting off with an awkward giggle, you scratched your eyebrow.

“Well, Linda brought me a…” “--who’s Linda?” “Oh, him. The cat.” “You named a he-cat, Linda.”

You looked restless, wanting to end the conversation as quickly as you can. Best friend probably calling you endlessly by now since you didn’t reply her message. “Yes, I did.” You said, sounding half-embarrassed, half-proud. “I like it.” He beamed a smile. You got so enticed by it, you almost forgot why you came. So you mindlessly took out the neon bra from your pocket and held the cushioned part with your hand. “Umm.” Jaehyung trailed and cleared his throat. “Linda brought this home and I think it’s yours because Linda never lies even though he steals.” You blurted. Jaehyung averted his eyes to the ground. Is that embarrassment? Am I wrong? Linda, you.

An awkward silence followed and you slightly wanted to dig a hole in the ground straight to your apartment and just cry. Oh gawd please say something. It’s not mine and I don’t want to take it home with me except Linda. He probably had a one night stand and the girl left without her bra. Well of course he did, look at him.

You felt your heart just growing increasingly sour and reminisce on how lonely you feel. People your age are getting on with their life and your only success is becoming a notorious cat mom. But Linda grew up to be a stealer and begs neighbors for food like you hadn’t fed him enough, you’re starting to reconsider life choices. Maybe you should have just raised a dog. But you liked large dogs and mom never liked fur. The only way to keep her from coming to your apartment was raising Linda and the apartment’s management doesn’t allow Malamute. How did the train of thoughts got here. Back to the situation.

He opens his mouth. “Keep it.” Was the only thing he said. “But, it’s yours.” You corrected. He smiled and let out a small giggle, looking to his feet. You realised he wore a Pikachu indoor slippers and it’s adorable. “No. I don’t wear a bra. It’s my girlfriends’ I mean. Ex. Girlfriend.” He nodded, bitterly.

Oh. Now this is a whole new level of awkward.

“I left the door open and I think that’s how Linda got in.” He looks fondly at Linda as if he has done him a favor. You squeezed the bra in your hand. “Caught her in my bed with one of my friends.” He eyed the bra and looked grey. You felt sorry. Instantly, your face fall upset and you took a deep breath in. “...Well.” You marched to the bin next to the staircase and threw the bra in. Jaehyung looked at you, blank. “...Back to it’s owners now.” You added and squatted next to your cat, eating appetizingly. “You should have throw it away Linda, a bra sized D’s are always fake.” You stroke Linda’s head. Jaehyung mirrored you and hugged his knees. “How old is she, no. He.” He fidgets. “Six months.” You answered.

“Young.” He commented. “He is. Quite a handful actually.” You chuckled lightly.

The awkwardness passed and you had a sudden realization that you have a message to reply. At first you wanted to say you’re not going, but then you looked at Jaehyun and had an idea.

“I...have a wedding today.” You blurted. Jaehyung’s smile fade away, “Oh.” “Not mine. It’s a friends’. And I…” Fuck it, I’m going to say it, “...Are you free today? Will you come to the wedding as my date? You can use me to get even with your ex-girlfriend. We can take a selfie there and post it on your Instagram.” You were suddenly excited. Jaehyung gave you a stricken smile. “I know I look like a potato right now, but I’m actually not bad, once I have a shower and blow dry my hair…” You scratched your head. “It sounds like…” Jaehyung trailed.

“A bad idea? I knew it.” You concluded but Jaehyung held his hand outward to stop you from going on. “...It sounds like a good idea. And I love potato.” He grins.

“Potato it is.” You mindlessly say as  you stared deep into his eyes. Wincing the reality in you, you giggled and noticed that Linda is already standing by the stairs. “Okay, can I have your number?” He asked, digging out his phone from his chest pocket. After the exchanges of number, you took Linda in your arms, “Oh no you don’t. We’re going to take the lift.” Jaehyung looks at you fondly from behind.

“It’s going to be great from now on, I can feel it.” Jaehyung thought to himself. Who’d knew Linda would literally bring you an actual gift. He made you exercise to it, but, a gift is a gift. And Jaehyung was the best thing that ever happened to you. A literal blessing.

#day6 #jaehyung #park jaehyung #day6 jae #imagines #scenarios #one shot #kpop #fanfic #krock #fluff #drama #day6 jyp #chicken little

[shari-berri]

Mall Disaster

Vigoroth x reader

Your POV

Today has been exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. But you would think after 6 months of being married and 4 years of dating I would be used to his hyperactive nature. My soul mate was part of the pokehuman epidemic. His Pokémon, Vigoroth. Now, I could deal with Vigoroth as a Pokémon, but as a human, that's asking way too much of me.

All I wanted was to get a smoothie and roam around the mall with my hubby, but I guess that is too much to ask of the world. I decided to take my chances anyways.

Timeskip

Grabbing some extra money, I opened my wallet and shoved it in the correct pocket. Clenching my purse, I checked everything was in there. My wallet, house keys, and other materials were all in check, now all that was missing was my husband and Pokémon.

Spotting my belt on the counter, I grabbed it and fastened it on around my waist, making sure all 5 pokeballs were tightly secured.

Hand on the door handle, I decided to speak up.

"Honey! I am going to the mall and would love it if you would come along. It would be a great way to spend time together and burn off some energy." I shouted throughout the house. There was a slight pause before I heard a door slam shut and saw my husband practically tripping down the stairs in his excitement.

Laughing slightly, I grabbed his hand and we exited the house. I quickly locked the door before taking his hand again and walking towards town.

I didn't want to walk a long ways so we took the bus. The bus pulled up and we got on after paying.

The bus was packed so we had to stand. The whole time I felt Viggy shaking in excitement.

The ride seemed to take forever, but I'm sure it was just my nerves. At long last, we arrived at the mall.

I walked through the automatic doors with my childish husband in tow, skipping along while humming a melody. I pulled him to my side and grabbed onto his arm, holding on like a....Slakoth.

People stared at us. Of course, I don't blame them. A calm woman walking with a bouncing manchild is bound to draw attention. Pushing the thought aside, I decided that getting my smoothie was the first stop we should make. Spotting a small cafe, I pulled Vigoroth towards it. The smell of fresh fruit and pastries hit me as we entered the cafe. I picked out a table and told Viggy to sit there. 

"Honey, I'm going to order a Pecha berry smoothie, what would you like?" I asked my lover.

He seemed to think for a moment before happily grinning and bouncing around, giving me his answer. 

"Well I wasn't going to get anything, but now that you mention it, I could go for a extra sugary pokepuff."

Oh Arceus, if I had learned anything about him, it was that he never mixed well with any sugar. I pondered this in my head for a while before deciding, 'fuck it', kissing his head before making my way to the line of people ordering. 

My mind wandered and I was snapped back into reality when I heard, "Next!".

Reaching for my wallet, I smiled at the lady taking my order.

"What would you like today, Ma'am?" she asked nicely, giving a bright smile in return. 

"Yes, I would like a Pecha berry smoothie and an extra sugary pokepuff please." I ordered.

She kept a smile but I saw how she glanced at my husband at the word pokepuff. Paying no mind to that, I waited for her to get my items.

"That will be 200 pokedollars Ma'am." she said. Nodding quickly, I handed over the money. I put my wallet back into my purse and grabbed the food items, heading towards our table. 

To my surprise, Vigoroth had been nicely sitting there, patiently waiting for my return. Once he saw me, he lit up, almost as if timed. I set down his pokepuff, taking a seat myself. 

"Thank you (Y/N). I appreciate this. I know how you don't like me to have sugar. I promise to be on my best behavior today!" He said proudly before kissing me hand. I giggled as he took a bite, getting cream on his nose. Vigoroth looked at me questioningly before it turned into a look of shock as I leaned forward and licked the frosting off. His cheeks were painted red in a fiery blush. It was my turn to giggle as he tried to hide his embarrassment behind his red fringe which really made his otherwise white hair stand out. I took a big sip of my smoothie, sighing at the calming feeling the Pecha berries gave me.

We stayed there for 10 more minutes until we finished our 'food'. Thanking the workers, I pulled Viggy along, off to shop. He seemed to be really trying to keep his hyperactivity on the downlow, something I appreciated. I gasped, catching his attention.

He cast a glance at me, looking down slightly, much to my chagrin. "What's got you so excited, babe?" He asked, genuinely curious. I said nothing, instead opting to pull him towards said store. Viggy just followed along, curious as ever. Much to his surprise and delight, it was a pet store. Normally we avoided these types of places, not wanting to support pokemon mills, but just looking couldn't hurt. Vigoroth leaned above me to see what pokemon I was looking at. In the first window was a cute little Goomy with wide eyes, happily looking at the world outside of the glass imprisonment. In the next window was a bouncing Chingling. I giggled at its funny dance. Moving over, I saw a little Phanpy playing with a ball while making cute snorting noises. I was quick to show it to Viggy, who smiled slightly. My guess was he was getting jealous but was too proud to say anything. The next pokemon set him off however. In the last window was a depressed looking Vigoroth. (I kid you not, I usually go on a pokemon generator for this book because I lack creativity. I pressed the generate button and the first pokemon out of the six generated was a Vigoroth. Arceus is feeling like a troll today) Viggy stiffened up before shaking against my back.

'Oh no...'

At this point, he was growling and snarling, grabbing onto me and holding me to his chest. Knowing he was going to cause a scene, I tried to maneuver us away without causing even more attention to us. My plan didn't work out, it only caused my husband to go into an ever bigger rage. I suppose seeing the pokemon version of himself, along with not having any of the characteristics of usual types caused him to flip out. I couldn't blame him, I knew how hard he was trying to contain himself up until now. The only issue was, this was a public setting and nobody else knew this. I cringed and braced for the explosion. What set off that explosion was a worker there. She looked like your average bitchy worker. She was clearly unhappy with her job, just doing the motions. She made her way over to us while popping her gum before speaking in the snottiest tone.

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to control your brat. You are causing a scene. Please leave before I call security. Oh, and don't come back, your presence isn't liked or needed here. Just get out already." I was offended but suppressed my emotions.

Vigoroth took this as a threat towards his made. He made the loudest and deadliest growl I have heard from him yet before lunging at the girl. I panicked and tried to grab him and pull him off but he held on tight. Security finally caught sight of the commotion and came rushing over. I watched as my still feral husband fought and kicked as he was picked up. He was thrown outside of the store. Embarrassed as all get out, I held my hand over my eyes in an attempt to hide my face and identity. I quickly apologized before grabbing my husband by the wrist and dragging him out of the mall. 

Once we got outside, I silently waited for the bus. No words were spoken during the wait, getting on the bus, and arriving home. As I unlocked the front door and walked in, I could practically feel the shame and sorrow dripping of of Vigoroth. Turning around, I stormed up to him, getting right up into his face before letting out my bottled up rage.

"What the actual fuck were you thinking! You can't just do that in public! Now, we are probably banned from that shop and I wouldn't be surprised if we were on a watch list for the mall. I mean honestly, what were you thinking? What did you think you raging was going to solve! I have no words for any of this. You are free to go wherever, I just need to be alone right now. I'll be in our room, I need to calm down. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk."

When I said this, it wasn't a statement, it was a demand, something that needed to be followed. Vigoroth understood this and meekly nodded, watching me disappear up the stairs before hearing our bedroom door slam shut. 

I sluggishly walked to the king sized bed, slumping on top of it. Deciding I needed any form of comfort, I reached down to my belt. I read the sticker on each pokeball before selecting the ones that could fit indoors. 

Out popped Lucario, Glameow, and Mimikyu. Lucario, sensing my distress, sat next to me, putting his paw over my hand.

"What is wrong, master?" He asked, communicating telepathically. (Note, Lucario is talking in your head, you are talking out loud.)

"Oh you guys..." And I told them everything.

Lucario nodded before speaking once more in his own, wise way.

"Master, I understand your frustration but bottling up your emotions won't do you any good. You should go apologize for your outburst and at least hear what Vigoroth has to say. You told me yourself that you understand why he had that reaction and you should go tell him that instead of letting him think that you hate him."

I sighed. "Lucario, once again, you are correct my friend. I can't believe how smart you are. Are all Lucarios able to communicate with their masters and give amazing advice?" I stated. 

He gave a wolfish grin before shaking his head.

"No my lady, only some are able. They must have a strong bond with their trainer. Such example would be Sir Aaron and his Lucario, who I look up to. And for the wise part, well, that's just me."

I swear, he smirked at me.

Giving in to his demands, I hugged the Mimikyu and Glameow clinging to my legs before calling them back into their pokeballs. I let Lucario stay out in case I needed comfort later. This was also because I trusted him to behave.

Creaking the door open, I slunk downstairs, spotting my very worn out looking husband sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. Walking closer, I gently put my hand on his shoulder. He flinched before looking up at me. His eyes shined with new tears as he gazed into my eyes.

Before he could speak, I decided to say my part.

"Vigoroth, I am so sorry for the way I lashed out on you. I should tell you that I completely understand the way you feel and your reasons for how you reacted. I know how hard you were trying and pushing yourself to behave at the mall and I completely dismissed this when I blew up on you. I hope you can forgive me...I love you, nobody can replace my Viggy." I said, voice getting softer as I went on until it was almost a whisper. I put my head down, feeling my own tears forming and trailing down my cheeks.

I felt my chin get lifted up. I opened my teary eyes to see my husband with a soft smile on his face. He gently wiped the tears away before pulling me into his arms. No words needed to be said, we understood each other perfectly. We sat like this, comfort in each other's prescence until the sun set, then moving towards our bedroom together, hand in hand. Our problems had been worked out and we were closer and stronger than ever. Never mind the mall disaster.

#pokemonxreader #pokemon #vigoroth #imagine #oneshot #readerinsert #xreader

[kmp78]

If J didn’t really give a crap, he wouldn’t be so incredibly paranoid about SC outdoors, even out in the middle of some random desert. He’s never alone, so it’s not so much a safety issue, especially with delayed posts. He’s only posted indoors (mainly a home/hotel or venue, no museums or other places he’s gone to) and from a moving vehicle (the last of which was time delayed by hours, just like the “plane” one was).

If he wanted to stir the pot or fuck with people simply to troll without reason behind it other than attention, he could’ve easily picked another one of his pals, one that we’ve suspected or previously heard about but isn’t fresh on people’s minds or one of the ones that haven’t been outed at all, but he picked the most obvious and targeted one, the one that causes dozens of pages of discussion that drowns out all other convo when she makes an appearance. It gives a bit more credence to their relationship and whenever there’s a “rumored gf” status with someone, he then hides them more. Everything he’s been doing these past months just screams caring a lot about his image, what people think, and controlling what people see and know about him, even setting up that ES PR interview not long ago. 

If J didn’t care about what people thought of SL, why would he mention him being sick or have the 🐝 pretend to be him over the past months, or cover for him (even stating he’s going to be filming “ADITL” for the doc)? SL might ngaf, but I think J does. 

***

Maybe JL does.

He def is keen to keep up appearances around Mars.

(Disclaimer and rules)

[diasilek-blog]

Some of my story

Just to preface this: i am not dx with PTSD or CPTSD. I have not spent much time in therapy to share all of this. But will share it with my current therapist. Thanks for listening if you make it to the end you deserve all karma. I am sorting this by houses and places I've lived as it's much easier for me to remember that way, provided is the place I lived the the ages I was.

The apartment 0-1.5

I remember nothing no surprise there

House 1 1.5-4

Remember barely anything. Know that father and mother were together but father was an angry alcoholic however mom notes the nicest person when sober. I suppose an abusive father and Vietnam can do that to you. Mother tells me some frightening stories of him but also continues to note he's a teddy bear when sober. My aunts confirm this as well. My father was also a semi driver so he was often gone. Probably a good thing. There are 4 things I know about my dad (Now, not then) He drove truck, was an alcoholic, played drums in a band, and was in the Vietnam war.The only thing I visually remember is rice aroni for dinner, what I thought was a GIGANTIC spider on a lightbulb in the basement, and my room. I can also see those black and white fillagree like brogue oxford dress shoes next to a closet. Oh and those bouncy horses. When my mom was selling the house a buyer can through with her daughter and She got on the horse - I pushed her off. Other than that really nothing else. Father divorces my mom when I'm 3.5 and moved to California to be with his mistress. He ends up in a psych ward for what was either a ptsd episode or schizophrenia. No one I ask knows for sure. And I can't imagine actually asking him.

Quadplex 4-6

It's just my mom and me and our cat. I remember little from this period as well except for the following: eating Oreos for breakfast, slamming my head into a waterbed headboard and needing stitches, and sticking tweezers in a light socket, oh and making friends with neighbors next door. There are more but those seem the most prominent. Oh I'm also in daycare; I have fond memories of that at least. I don't hear from my father at all. I make 2 "friends" at daycare. They take turns ignoring me, forcing me to choose between them, and telling me I need to buy them toys to be their friend. I think about asking my grandma to buy me three jewel trolls. My mother meets someone new. I start kindergarten.

Duplex 6-9

My mother marries someone new. He seems nice. We move into the duplex. I don't remember a whole lot from this time besides my bedroom, the layout, pretending to run away in the back yard, eating chives, learning to ride a bike and then seeing my step dad kick my cat down the stairs. I'm still in daycare. Those girls are gone now.

House 2 9-11

I find out a girl from school lives across the street. We become inseparable. I am a little too eager for friendship and call her at 6am some days. Her family is annoyed with me. I can tell. We make friends with other neighborhood kids. One is a boy. Both of them start "dating" and exclude me from everything. Back to no friends. I ask my mom to intervene but she clearly doesn't want to. Eventually friend and I see each other at school on the playground. I tell her I have the new Nintendo system and now she wants to come over and play. This is how friendship works I guess.

I meet a girl in 3rd. Eventually we become good friends. I am always too eager for friendship. I call her one afternoon, we talk, then she says to hold on. I hold for 3 hours and then hang up. She becomes friends with the popular crowd and eventually I am left behind. I remember listening to "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston and wanting to dedicate it to her. My mom says she doesn't think that's what the song is about. I wonder What was wrong with me?

I start soccer and am terrible at first. My father comes to visit infrequently. I am basically forced to see him but I have no desire. My father and grandmother come late to a soccer game and they take me for the afternoon. I am scared and angry but they still take me. It's not as bad as I think it will be and I start to equate him to Fishsticks. They never sound good at all but then I eat one and it's not as terrible as I thought it would be. So, it's not always bad with him.

Eventually it is planned that I stay at his house one night. He lives directly across the street from my grandmother. At first it is fun however there are empty cardboard 12 packs lining his wall. I’m only 11ish so I find it disconcerting but I’m not sure I know the extent. We play a game centered around being a truck driver. I sense some pride inside for my father and his career. My father asks if I want to play pool in the basement. We go downstairs. I see his drum set. He teaches me the basic 4/4 beat. Somehow we begin talking about his time spent in the war. I don’t know what comes over me or why I decide to ask him, but the words just kind of come out. I ask him if he killed anyone in the war. He is visibly upset and says he’d rather not talk about that. Things are very awkward after this and he tells me he thinks I should go back over to my Grandma’s house and not spend the night. I leave.

House 3 11-18

Lots of good lots of bad. My father moves back to our state 1995. He's been gone for 7 years. Still not sober.

I initially meet a girl who seems to come from some dysfunction. Her mom is nice though however there is a guy who hangs around a little older than us. We go to my house and he breaks into my stepdads liquor cabinet. I freak out on him, he then goes into our garage and punches many dents in my step Dads car. I call my mom and they call the police. He runs. They catch him and eventually let him go after whatever punishment they gave. When he was back I got a call from him and his friends threatening me for money. I visited the girls house one day and he and his friends waited outside the house. I was terrified to leave but with my friend and her mom watching I walked home.

I play indoor soccer and my dad shows up with my grandmother to a game where is visibly intoxicated. He tries to find his way to our bench - I am mortified and crying but trying to hide it.

Eventually I meet a friend who I become very close with. She is basically a sister for me and still is to this day although we are a few states a part. I finally get to see what a normal family dynamic looks like. My father calls every few months when he is drunk. I hate it. He wants me to know that my stepdad isn't my real dad and that he is my dad. My whole body is tense. My step dad is always angry, emotionally mean and abusive to my mom. They argue about the dumbest things and he is mean. There are always eggshells to walk on and I am always angry with him. I want my mom to stand up for herself and there are many times she tells me she wants to divorce him. I tell her if support her in that decision. There is a night where things get really heated and I finally step in, crying I tell them to stop fighting and lock myself in my room. Eventually my stepdad comes knocking and he’s crying profusely apologizing. It felt so awkward.

Soccer continued, I become really good. I’m on varsity my sophomore year and am not happy about it. I’ve played soccer for the last 8 years with the same people. I am asked during Spanish class what I will be doing this weekend, I mention there is a varsity soccer sleepover. A past friend of mine thinks I’m bragging and tells everyone on my old team that I think I’m better than them. Some don’t talk to me for a while. Soccer was one of the best things my mom ever put me in. I am honorable mention in the state that year. The next year I experiment with marijuana and start smoking. I’m not as good the next year. Senior year I decide not to join – eventually I do after seeing a game and missing it. Definitely not as good as I was. In fact I suck in comparison.

I obsess over the availability of the internet and the vast expanse that it allowed me to explore. I make friends online and develop relationships with people. Eventually at 16 I fall head over heels for someone (Guy A) who lives in another state. We bond over music and I am hooked. He surprises me on Valentine's Day by showing up to my house after asking my mom her permission it's a fucking fairy tale. I am also only 16. I visit home once at his house and it is the first sexual experience I have. Long distance didn't work and my heart shattered. He would come and go out of my life for a few years. I meet another guy through the internet (Guy B). We bond over music and I fall hard. We talk for a year, on the phone, through netmeeting, aim, and even texting (nokias!). I graduate.

I attend my (very close friend who is like a sister)’s graduation. We are hanging out with 2 of our friends who attend a different school. They bring a friend with them. We drink a lot. There is a tent we all plan on sleeping in. We pile in and the friend we don’t know lays next to me. We all try to fall asleep. Until he does it. Out of nowhere reaches into my pants and touches me. I’m really not sure how long this lasts. After it stops I wait until I think he is asleep and then I go home. I tell no one.

I continue speaking to Guy B. He informs me he will come and visit. I am ecstatic. I forget about what happened in the tent. Guy B visits, I end up getting really sick and it turns out to be mono. (Which I think I got a month prior while still in school when one night I went out with friends and got super plastered and made out with a guy I didn’t know where he also stuck his hand down my pants but I didn’t stop him. I had hickeys all over my neck and my soccer team makes fun of me) The week with Guy B was amazing. He left and I was hopeful. But once he got back home he stopped talking to me. Eventually telling me he couldn’t take the distance and that one of us would eventually need to move. Another shattered heart. My step dad is still mean. I remember riding in the car with him and my mom when someone either cut him off or break checked him. He proceeded to tailgate them, cussing, yelling, swerving side to side. The car in front went faster and so did he. It was terrifying. My mom eventually yelled at him to take us home.

College Dorm 18-18

I start college and make it half a semester. I know no one and the social anxiety is terrible. I move back home and see a psychologist who diagnoses me with social anxiety.

Home 3 18-19

I’m back home. My mom wants me to find a job; a stipulation of dropping out of college. She finds a job listing for a warehouse worked disassembling computer equipment. It’s night shift, but it’s money and it’s stability I needed at the time. The company is amazing and I am very fortunate. My sister friend has been dating a guy for a very long time and they ask me to come bowling. I meet my first long term boyfriend. He is my friends boyfriends best friend. He is also 7 years older than me. I lose my virginity to him after basically telling myself “Well, this is it” It wasn’t the experience I was hoping for.

I basically end up living with him and his roommate.

1st BF House 19-20

I’m back and forth between houses but mostly at his. He works days, I work nights. I wake up one morning and he’s at work; I spot a camera under his tv stand. It’s on, and it’s recording. I’m baffled. I watch it. It’s basically nothing but me sleeping. I question him about it and he states that he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything (not sure what that includes) For some reason I let it slide. We date for 2 years. I have gained some weight since 18. I wasn’t anywhere near unhealthy but I wasn’t in the greatest shape. We get a dog together. I start running with the dog. 1 year later I’m in the best shape ever. This dog is my life. I’m drinking lightly at this point but running causes me to not want to drink. But I do smoke cigarettes after my runs. Go figure.

1st Apartment 20-21

We live together. When we move I’ve been sort of back in contact with my father. He offers to help us move. Up to this point we are very off and on, maybe once a year we speak. I am still running. My job is going well and I move to first shift as well as moving departments. I begin doing inventory and being a computer repair technician. Things are ok.

I decide to go back to school for what I thought was my passion – graphic design. I attend a local community college. My boyfriend says to not take many classes or I may end up in the same situation as before. I honestly think he just doesn’t want me to advance myself or meet other people. One day on my way to school I remember that my dad is living in an efficiency in a motel nearby. I find some courage that day to confront him. To ask him about what happened. He’s not there when I knock on his door but just as I’m about to leave I see him pull up. He’s gone to the store to buy another 12 pack of beer. So much anxiety at this point. Ultimately I ask him why he left, he doesn’t give me a good answer (as if there would be one) he just said sometimes 2 people just drift apart. This doesn’t explain why he was never around. Days later, on my way to school I am listening to music, a favorite thing of mine to do, when all of a sudden I feel disconnected from everything. The music sounds different. I can’t “feel” it anymore. It’s pretty much been that way since.

After coming home from my half semester away at college I’ve been experimenting more and more with illegal substances. Almost everything except for Meth and Heroin. I don’t consider this to be necessarily negative. I was always safe about my experiencing making sure to check Erowid for stories, information and overall preparedness before we’d ever do anything.

Guy A contacts me online and my current boyfriend and I are arguing a lot. Intimacy basically never exists in my relationships so they are always rocky. I find escape in talking to Guy A again. I sneak out to see him one night and my current boyfriend finds out. He is very hurt and wants to end it. The next morning I try to smooth things over, I am panicking. He goes to work and I am supposed to eventually go to mine. I can’t think about anything other than he is going to leave me. I don’t even get dressed for the day, I get in my car and follow him to his work. I am in survival mode basically. I need to know that I won’t be abandoned or left again by someone. I feel crazy. Things eventually smooth over.

Home 3 21-21

Months later I decide to move home and he moves in with his old roommate into a duplex. I am running even more now with our dog. The dog lives at his house and I miss him terribly. We still fight and argue and I’m still unable to develop real intimacy with him. I continue to seek connection outside of the relationship but know that I shouldn’t. I can’t remember how this happened but I must have given my number to someone online and they began contacting me. My boyfriend found out and was again hurt and this time very angry. Threats of breaking up occurred over the phone. I went to his house and banged on his glass sliding door screaming on the patio. He wouldn’t let me in, and again I felt that panic that sets in when someone is about to leave you. I think eventually he let me in out of pity. Some form of reconciliation happened. I tried as much as I could at that time to connect with the person I was supposed to connect with. I wasn’t able to. I eventually ended it on my own terms AFTER I had met someone else at work. It’s a pattern of mine to do that. He takes my dog with him. I don’t see him ever again. It’s extremely heartbreaking for me. I loved that dog. I eventually get a new dog a few months later to fill the void and that dog is still with me.

I date this person from work for 6 months or so and we break up, after I run into someone I went to high school with who I had a major crush on.

Apartment 2 21-22

I move into a new apartment with one of my good friends. I’ve been able to make a few friends at this point. At this point I’ve been working for that same employer since I was 18. I’ve since moved from the warehouse into the office doing work on their website and marketing material. I haven’t finished my graphic design degree and decide to switch my major to marketing. I begin making some good money at this point and am fairly comfortable. I’m dating the guy I knew from high school. I also know that since high school he had developed an addiction to heroin. When I meet him he claims he is clean. I’ll find out later that he definitely isn’t. One day I go out and about while he’s still at my home. I come back to find that he’s vacuumed my stairs which is super nice of him and then I see my dog. His eye and surrounding area is 3 times the size it should be. I ask my boyfriend what happened and he says the dog peed on the stairs after he cleaned them. He fucking punched my dog.I don’t know why I stayed with him. I eventually left after he continued to lie to me about using. This time I didn’t have a back up. It was the first time I actually did something healthy for myself in regards to a relationship. I meet someone at my cousins wedding. We see each other around afterwards.

My friend decides to move back home. I find an apartment in the same complex with a 1 bedroom and move. I get a call from my doctor after an abnormal pap, it comes back with CIN III dysplasia. I don’t quite know what this means as far as fertility and my overall health. I have a leep procedure and am lucky that it gets rid of it all. 6 months later I am HPV free.

Apartment 3 22-24

Guy B calls one night randomly. Guy B and I continue talking, he’s saying all the right things to me and is regretful of how it ended between us. I am kind of talking to guy I met at the wedding. Guy B and I bond again over music and I plan to go and visit him. Guy at wedding wants to date. I’ve booked a flight to go see Guy B. I don’t know what to do. I think I should go for what I feel is a sure thing with wedding guy. Guy B hurt me the last time we were together. I end up cancelling my flight with Guy B and calling that off. I date wedding guy for a few months, but I’m not feeling a connection. Somehow guy A ends up in my town and we meet up. I do things I shouldn’t with him while I’m in a relationship wedding guy. I break it off with him. I get a hold of Guy B and apologize. I make plans to visit him on new years. The week I spend there is awesome but I have this sinking feeling that the situation will only end the same as it did before. At the end of the week he drops me off at the airport. He only gives me a hug and leaves. I am devastated because I know this is it. I cry for hours in the airport and am approached by a random stranger who was in town for a lighting project. He comforts me and tries to calm me down. I am appreciative of his compassion.

I date a few people here and there and eventually meet someone. I like him, my friends basically hate him. I should have known, for some reason I am always hooked on people who aren’t good for me. within 3 months I am pregnant. I remember the night, we use a condom but find it has broken. The next day I take plan b. I think everything is ok until I miss my period. I am not sure what to do. I do tell 4 people. My mom, 2 friends, and a coworker who has become a mentor to me. I am thankful for this support network.

This guy has a career he has worked very hard for and is continuing to work hard on. I tell him I am pregnant and he is very supportive at first. But he wants me to consider abortion. He is afraid he will resent the child for not allowing him to pursue his dreams. I am torn. I have always wanted children – but not in this way. Knowing he would resent his child or the possibility of him resenting his child just reminds me of my childhood and not having a father. I don’t want to put any child through that. I decide to terminate. Before I can do that I need a counseling session. Boyfriend comes there with me. I am definitely not ok but am going through it anyways. I breakdown on the phone with a nurse when I scheduled the appointment.

My boyfriend is out of town for work on the day of the abortion. I go by myself, have to watch a short film, and then take a pill. I will need to take one more later on. There is a group of students doing a study and the doctor wants to know if they can watch me while I take the pill. I agree for some reason. It was all over so quickly. I am ushered out of the building and walk to my car alone. I feel guilty and numb and sad and so very alone. I go to my parents’ house and wait it out. All of the things that happen happen and my mom is there for me. I go back to my apartment that night and take a bath. While taking my bath a feel a weird sensation and one last clot is passed – it’s large, and it’s not something I wanted to see. It’s floating in the bath with me. I scoop it out and throw it in the toilet.

I’m sure my boyfriend is relieved but I am the one that lives with this. He tells me I have 3 days to mourn and then it’s something we need to get over.

I have a hard time living with this decision. It causes many issues in our relationship. He gets fired from his job. We go see his family in his home state. I see how terrible he is to his mother. Why am I still in this relationship? Somehow his mother and us are talking and discussing babies and I have no idea how abortion is brought up but she says “you better not be aborting my grandbabies!” I break down.

Eventually he finds a job out of state. I basically beg him to take me with. We move, all 3 of us, which includes his roommate. They have been best friends for years and I am constantly the third wheel.

Apartment 4 24-25

Lots of things happen here. Most of it is extremely toxic. My boyfriend and I argue so often. I am still seething from the abortion and am resentful. I find that he’s joined a dating website. He says he only did it in case we don’t work out.

I find a job relatively quickly and will work there for the next 3 years. It is also extremely toxic for me. He loses his job fairly quickly.

When my boyfriend and I fight I tend to not remember most of the arguments. I think I remember what I say but when we fight about things we’ve said he disagrees with me and tells me that’s not how things happened and I start to feel crazy. I find a document on his computer that is titled “what -myname- says during arguments” and I do not open it. He says he keeps it so he has proof of what I say. Is he gaslighting me? am I really crazy, do I really not remember things correctly? I am so confused.

Maybe I am the perpetrator?

Many nights are spent fighting, I can’t remember what they were about now. I remember the anger in his face when he was trying to leave the apartment to go for a walk and I remember the panic that set in as I shrunk into a ball on the floor. Another panic attack when someone threatens to leave. He walks out and I gain the composure to try and find him. I find him and I yell at him for not being there for the abortion about him not having to deal with what I dealt with. I’m sure everyone in our apartment complex can hear us.

I find he’s actually been talking to girls on this dating website and I go stay at a hotel for the night. A few months later he finds a job in his home state and moves back, he wants me to come with. Instead I’ve been looking at apartments and sign on one. I am terrified of being on my own. I don’t move with him, I stay.

Apartment 5 25-28

I am finally alone with only my work relationships. I try to make friends with the girls there but they are not my kind. My boss likes to use intimidation and vitriol to manage our department. Most days I have anxiety about going to work.

I find someone online and we begin dating. He is dx bi-polar and takes medication. He consistently claims he is no good for me and that he has never dated someone as normal as I am. I am not really normal there is just a very convincing façade.

The relationship is mysterious and not stable. Eventually he breaks up with me and I am fired from my job for declining performance I think but they don’t give me a reason and I am kind of devastated but also kind of relieved.

I give it a few months and am applying for jobs here and there. I have a quick stint at a VA job fair for a week. I begin talking to someone on okcupid, but have decided that I should probably move back home. After the job fair is complete I pack up some bags and drive home to visit. I continue talking to this new person through okcupid and now texting. I am applying for jobs in my hometown. I am getting requests for interviews. I’m not sure what I should do. I go back home and meet the person I’ve been texting with. He’s very sweet and kind and I think sexual things may have happened too quickly, but he cares and for once I finally feel safe somewhere. I get an interview for a company and eventually get the job. I’m making good money and things are starting to level off. New guy and I connect quickly and there is no doubt that there is finally something stable, good, and loving in my life. It is quick though when we become pregnant after talks about wanting children. We really didn’t think that would happen so quickly. I am kind of shocked but we are both excited. I know we’ll need a place to live and neither of our places suited so I set out to buy our first house. My credit was good enough at that point.

Final House 28-32

We move into the house when I’m 4 months pregnant. I am proposed to on mother’s day with the rocky II proposal. Thing are great. We have our daughter by c-section and it’s the most emotional and happy I’ve felt in my entire life. We both cry. Breastfeeding isn’t easy and she has lots of phlegm so when she spits up she has a hard time breathing. I develop post partum anxiety over feeding her and eventually get prescribed anxiety medication. Life goes on there is depression and I’m having a hard time being intimate.

It seems as though intimacy is always easy for me in the beginning of relationships but as they progress it gets much hard for me to connect. And it’s not just with my husband but with my kids as well. Oh yeah, we have another child after we get married. These kids are the fucking best and I am SURROUNDED by love all of the time. I think sometimes it is so overwhelming. I have never felt this before. I actually have a group of friends who care about me and who care about each other and it is entirely evident that these people are the best people I’ve ever had in my life. I sometimes feel I don’t belong and have a hard time relating. I still have anxiety and issues and my drinking has increased throughout my life. I no longer do any type of drugs.

I am currently a business analyst for a different company and I absolutely love what I do. I have a caring employer and I feel as though my life has done a complete 180. I am extremely fortunate but I have a hard time feeling that. I know in my brain that I am safe but that is not how my body feels most of the time. Intimacy between my husband and I is pretty nonexistent but he is very supportive. I just feel bad that I am unable to give him what he needs. I am in therapy every 2 weeks. I want to get better for him and our family. She seems to be the first therapist I feel has some understanding and concern for me. I am trying very hard to be present here and to enjoy what I have but it is very hard to do. I have dermatillomania as well. I am working on that, and it doesn’t bring me as much shame as it used to. I feel lots of different things but I think confusion is the most common feeling. There is so much more but I’ve already wrote a book.

If you’ve read this far thank you. Sorry for the mess and jumble The chronological pattern is based on where I lived verse my actual age. So I hope the skipping around in certain sections isn’t too confusing.