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heauxzenji · 3 years

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How about an NSWF alphabet for Miya Osamu?

Hi Nonny! I hope you enjoy this- I know it was a long time coming but I had a lot of feelings and just wanted to make sure this was as perfect as could be 💖

NSFW Alphabet: Osamu Miya

gn!Reader focused

obvs nsfw under the cut... Let’s gooooo!

𝕬 - 𝕬𝖋𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖊

Ok, it’s not that you’re not going to get ANYTHING, but you’re not going to get a lot. He will definitely clean you up, hold you in his arms, and cover all the basics, but the man is also going to be napping so you have about 5 minutes of his absolute attention once you’re done.

𝕭 - 𝕭𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝕻𝖆𝖗𝖙

Is an ass/thighs man at his simplest. Will 100% also do the “let me get past you” thing where he holds your hips as he moves.

Your favorite feature of his is his back/shoulders. They’re so broad, and watching him flex his back muscles makes you clench. Also- your phone’s home screen is definitely a picture of his back riddled in your scratch marks.

𝕮 - 𝕮𝖚𝖒

Likes to do so on/in/around your mouth. He has an oral fixation, bonus points if you do too tbh. If he isn’t going to cum on your face, he’ll definitely cum inside of you instead, stuffing his fingers into your mouth so that you can suck them.

𝕯 - 𝕯𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖞 𝕾𝖊𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖙

Would 10000% cuck his brother if given the opportunity. Just to see the color drain from his face. He’s kind of a shithead for that but at the same time, it’s not something he’s ever said out loud- so he’s chilling and just sitting on that.

𝕰 - 𝕰𝖝𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊

He’s reserved, but I would say he has a decent amount of experience. He knows what to do, and he knows what he likes. I feel like he also is less experimental- preferring to stick to what he knows works for you both. He’ll try new things, but sparingly.

𝕱 - 𝕱𝖆𝖛𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝕻𝖔𝖘𝖎𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

He likes to be ridden. He likes to have you on full display from all ends as you bounce on his cock. He can easily grip your waist and thrust you further down onto him, and loves watching you practically impale yourself on his length. Also likes to rub circles into your thighs or lower spread your asscheeks apart as he helps you keep a rhythm on his cock.

𝕲 - 𝕲𝖔𝖔𝖋𝖞

He’s much more serious during, but afterward it’s very lighthearted.

𝕳 - 𝕳𝖆𝖎𝖗

It’s neat. He doesn’t really trim much, but his hair isn’t super hard to manage, surprisingly. He’s not as hairy around his chest/torso either, but he does have a happy trail that he shaves fairly often, even though you think it would be nicer if he didn’t.

𝕴 - 𝕴𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖆𝖈𝖞

He’s not conventionally romantic, but he does savor the moment with you. He likes to gaze into your eyes while he’s taking you, and will place soft kisses to your hairline and jaw when he’s getting close to finishing.

Will murmur that you’re wonderful/amazing/beautiful, or whatever compliment comes to mind first when he’s finished with you and ready for his cuddles

𝕵 - 𝕵𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝕺𝖋𝖋

He doesn’t much- honestly the frequency varies depending on his stress levels. When he does though, he’s the classic shower jerk off guy. It’s cleaner and honestly a lot quicker for him to finish that way. Definitely will be more aggressive when he’s more stressed as well, whether you’re there or not. He is a fan of mutual masturbation as foreplay.

𝕶 - 𝕶𝖎𝖓𝖐

MARKING, loves leaving hickeys and bruises. He doesn’t care if anyone can see them, or how many you have by the time it’s over. He gets so entranced that he doesn’t realize how many he leaves behind Biting goes hand in hand with the marking- definitely has an oral fixation.

Size, bc he’s so broad. He likes the feeling of being bigger than you because he feels like he’s your protector- but he also likes the feeling of stuffing your much tinier frame so full of his cock that you go stupid.

Dirty Talk, not super degrading dirty talk, but things like calling you “dirty” or “messy”- and especially “sloppy” really get him going. He also just likes to hear you beg for him, so he’ll egg you on and ask you if you like how deep he’s fucking you or if your tiny little hole can fit all of his cock inside. Again, size kink, so he loves calling you little/tiny.

Temperature Play, specifically with the cold. Will eat ice prior to going down on you, or change the blistering hot water to icy cold when you’re having sex in the shower, just to see the shock on your face at the difference in sensation

Sensory Deprivation, blindfolds? He said say less. He likes watching you writhe in anticipation as you feel him ghost touches and kisses all over your body. And it also drives you crazy waiting for him to strike- it usually leaves you begging for him to touch him.

𝕷 - 𝕷𝖔𝖈𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

Primarily bedroom only, but he has been known to have quickies in the restaurant with you after closing, and also loves getting road head.

𝕸 - 𝕸𝖔𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

Osamu likes to hear you. Likes to know what he’s making you feel good, and the moans you make encourage him to keep going. Definitely also motivated by begging. He’s a little smug, so it inflates his ego that you’re begging him to tear you apart- it’s the feeling of knowing that his cock makes you absolutely drunk and you’ll do anything for it.

𝕹 - 𝕹𝖔!

I don’t think he’s into food play! Not that he would NEVER do it, but it’s really not something he’s super into. Food is kind of his art form if that makes sense… it’s also work and he definitely seems like the type to try and keep his work separate from his personal life to an extent . But you have fucked in the restaurant at closing too many times to count.

𝕺 - 𝕺𝖗𝖆𝖑

He’s very good with his mouth. He has an oral fixation so this comes naturally. He could go down on you forever if you let him, and he won’t stop even if his jaw locks up. If you’re going down on him, sometimes he will get a little ahead of himself and fuck your face just a little. Most of the time he catches himself and will apologize for not warning you first… most of the time.

𝕻 - 𝕻𝖆𝖈𝖊

It differs! He personally loves the buildup of having a slow burning session, but there are times- especially when he’s frustrated, where he can just take it out on you. And when he does need you for stress relief, you should go ahead and cancel any plans you have for the next 2 days or so, because you’re not going to make it.

𝕼 - 𝕼𝖚𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖎𝖊

He’s not fond of them, but he’s also not against them. For him, he’d rather use them as foreplay, or something to hold you both over until you’re alone and he can really have you the way he wants you.

𝕽 - 𝕽𝖎𝖘𝖐

Is into semi-public sex for sure. Things where he knows you won’t possibly get caught- but there’s that inkling of a chance that you could get caught are his favorite. He’ll also give in if you just can’t wait… but he really tries to restrain himself. It’s a little bit less so when he’s been drinking though- he’s much more likely to let you escalate things and will probably go as far as some clothed sex with you if it’s dark/crowded enough that no one will notice or see

𝕾 - 𝕾𝖙𝖆𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖆

Can go about 2 rounds max in a day, but they’re long... When he says he wants to spend the day in bed, he means the whole day. Everything he does is about the sensuality of it all. He loves foreplay, it’s the perfect warmup to the main event for him. The main event itself... can go for hours tbh. He’s literally a slow burn loving bitch, but when you beg for him, he’ll waste no time absolutely destroying your walls. Needs a longer break in between rounds for snacks so he can keep his energy up.

𝕿 - 𝕿𝖔𝖞

Not too fond of them. Prefers to get you off using his own body. But he’s not against things like silks to use as restraints, and he does own a flogger that he likes to drag along your body when you’re blindfolded.

𝖀 - 𝖀𝖓𝖋𝖆𝖎𝖗

Osamu himself IS the tease. He’s always so calm and collected, even when you’re all over him, begging for him to bend you over and wreck you. It’s that calm and control in itself that’s a tease because you know that once he gives in, you and your insides are done for.

𝖁 - 𝖁𝖔𝖑𝖚𝖒𝖊

Not loud, but not quiet either. His voice literally goes an octave lower which is insane. He holds back his moans in the beginning, instead he pushes air out of his mouth and takes more sharp, hissing inhales. But when he’s close he’ll lean into your ear to spew absolute filth into it so that he can feel you clench around his cock and send him over the edge

𝖂 - 𝖂𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖉

He has an Onlyfans but he makes sure his face is never in the camera. Camboy!Osamu is literally in their top 8% of creators and no one knows about it because he’s just that good at flying under the radar... but hey, that’s how he was able to afford the restaurant- so now he slings dick and onigiri. Win-Win.

𝖃 - 𝖃-𝕽𝖆𝖞

Isn’t as thick as Atsumu, but he is more veiny and honestly all around prettier. His dick is probably also a good 7 inches, but I feel like he’s a grower, so you’d be surprised at how much he’s really working with. He has a freckle on the shaft, which is very adorable and endearing. He has a pretty dick. Like, aesthetically beautiful... it’s much prettier than Atsumu’s- much neater/more cleaned up too.

𝖄 - 𝖄𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌

Never lets on just how much he wants you. He would rather have you come to him instead so he doesn’t look needy. But he wants to be balls deep in you practically all the time. He just is very prideful, so he’s going to wait for you to come to him- which… tbh you always do.

𝖅 - 𝖅𝖟𝖟

Yeah, you have about 5 minutes after he cums to get anything out of him- bc he’s taking his ass to sleep. But that’s an advantage For you because he’s kinda delirious and will say yes to anything you ask him for… Is also a clingy sleeper so would definitely hold onto you and make you his little spoon.

Taglist Starseeds (check ur privacy settings if your url is in bold): @super-noya @crushzone @yumekosgamblingroom @boujiesav @onesingleravioli @ushijimasfarmhat @trouvelle @nekoma-hoe @right-shoe-jpg @makemealive @ukaic @nivky0-0 @animoozies @charmarsmith

#haikyuu headcanons #hq headcanons #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu smut #miya osamu #osamu x reader #osamu smut #hq headcanon #hq smut #hq x reader #hq x gn!reader #haikyuu x gn!reader

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ramshackledtrickster · 3 years

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Hi I am enjoying your blog and the your version of Moreau. I have three questions for you. (1) What kind of relationship did your version of pre and post cadou Moreau have with the four Lords and Duke? (2) If your Moreau was able to recover and heal from what happened to him and was take in by BSAA what would he do after besides recover and heal from what happened to him? (3) What dose your version of pre- cadou Moreau's home look like?

Aw thank you so much!! I’m so glad you like em!!

Oo these will be fun to answer!!

Long text post so!! Continue under the cut

1. Salvatore has seen and met Alcina before, as she moves to and fro from the village and elsewhere (America). Likely, she has seen him for her skin condition at least once? But I’d imagine she’s a bit… difficult to work with and demand more doctors to give her a diagnosis on her Porphyria. Though their interactions were limited, again, he was just doing his job and if she didn’t like the results hey don’t blame him. Post-mutation however, Alcina barely recognizes him but when the realization hits her, she tries not to remind herself of that connection. Moreau doesn’t remember either, but he’s definitely intimidated by her. Alcina probably sees him as a walking study of “at least I didn’t have it as bad as this guy”, you know? And generally talks down to and about him for being slow and gross (Moreau has definitely barfed on her dress at least once by accident it’s,, it’s sad). Though she does pity him to an extent, but she won’t show that.

Pre-mutation, Moreau has seen Donna and the Beneviento family before as they moved in from Italy (their ancestry goes back to the village, but the family moved away for generations before coming back to live at the mansion just because I guess). He had more to talk about with the family than with Donna, since she was a baby at that time. He likes being with the Benevientos since they’re more low key? And the father’s project to make a doll for the baby a,ways seemed sweet to him (though the design was… unnerving). (Also they both have Italian heritages lmao ). Donna barely remembers Moreau at all, but neither does Moreau post-mutation. She probably treats him with the most kindness (though Angie can be quite blunt and crude about his appearance, which hurts his feelings of course). She pities him, but does genuinely find him to be nicer company than the other two lords. They have tea, watch movies, and even make small trinkets for each other! (Donna making a small toy for Moreau, and Moreau in turn making her a little accessory).

Pre-mutation Moreau has never met Karl (I imagined he was from outside of the village entirely and barely has any ancestry relating to the Lords, but Miranda offered him a home in the village and under her wing since he was a runaway kid with barely anything). But if he did, I’d imagine he’d be a better father figure to Karl than Miranda a mother to him. Post mutation however, Moreau is more or less reduced to Karl’s emotional punching bag. Moreau’s honestly intimidated and scared of Karl (and his environment of the factory is a sensory hellscape and he carries that energy around everywhere he goes so yeah). But as a newcomer to the village, Karl probably talked to the other villagers and the new doctor who tried to fill in Moreau’s role, and heard about him that way. And how he hated Miranda but in the end became amiable and studied under her, and eventually just disappeared entirely (rumored to study abroad in other countries). As Karl grows to become more resentful of Miranda for manipulating him as a child, he starts to feel alone and resentful of Moreau as a result too, since he puts two and two together that this Moreau was the very same one who would stand up to Miranda all that while before. Maybe he taunts and aggravates Moreau in order to encourage some “fight” back in him? But ultimately all that is left of Moreau is basically a husk and he’s helpless under Mother Miranda’s bidding. Moreau doesn’t remember or know any of Karl’s side of the story though, so he’s just left with the impression that he’s just being mean to him because a. He deserves it and b. Karl is just Like That. But Karl does still take pity on Moreau occasionally and help him fix his tv or get some movies for him on occasion- but the few instances of kindness probably just confuses Moreau more. He doesn’t like not being able to predict what Karl would do or feel.

Moreau was aware and has met the Duke before his mutation, and sensed some eerie things about him. Never heard of him anywhere, doesn’t know where he’s from, just… there hanging around the village at convenient times ?? But salvatore isn’t complaining, considering how generous the man is when it comes to providing some food and shelter when he needs it. He also just so happens to have some peculiar samples of preserved sea life that he said were just “brought from a friend”. Moreau loves to marvel at those in particular, and has bought a sample for himself just to gaze at in the comfort of his own home. But the Duke also has a great selection of movies and books too- Moreau eats that stuff up. But even with all the offered goods, he still feels wary around him. The Duke kinda has a weird Eldritch effect on people that makes you feel confused and unsettled even though there are no perceived threats, and Moreau gets paranoid easily, so he prefers to keep their times together more limited, even if they are pleasant. But post mutation, the Duke is one of Moreau’s only friends and confidantes. He frequently drags himself to him to purchase books or movies, but still feels ashamed for it (and feeling like a burden). And yeah Moreau frequently visits the Duke to also vent and cry about how he feels neglected by Miranda and how hideous he feels. The Duke naturally pities him, but is more so saddened to see how his acquaintance has gotten to such a state. Poor Moreau… he wishes there was a way he could intervene and keep this from happening to him. But there’s no use, seeing as Moreau has lost his memory of who or what his life once was. The best he could do is keep him company, offer him some new pieces of entertainment, and listen to him cry his woes whenever he needs to.

2. After everything, and assuming he is able to regain his memories, he wants to still help people definitely. Being a doctor is the first thing he’d try to return to doing, but he knows his appearance is unsettling, so it’ll take a while for that shell to break through. But outside of that, he wants to return to a more simple life. And of course- fishing. He’d probably like to go back to fishing, since he’s already used to doing that in his mutated form as well. It has always brought him some peace of mind, and if anyone else is willing, he’d make some food for them from his catch of that day. He also wouldn’t mind making and selling homemade crafts- it’d help with the guilt of his experiments and making bad things for mother Miranda- maybe this time, he can make good things for everyone else and maybe potential friends? But definitely most importantly for him, he wants to rejoin society. Even if his appearance wouldn’t allow for total normalcy, it would be amazing just to watch a movie on the big screen, or go to a movie club to just talk about film, and just walk around in the open. Buying things, meeting people (even if he isn’t socialized very well), sharing what he knows and loves… just being human. That’s probably what he wants to feel and return to, whether he retains his pre-mutation memory or not. And maybe even try his hand at writing his own scripts just for fun.

3. Humble home! Wooded shack by the reservoir- he likes to keep the place clean too. He has fishing gear around the place, and a table for crafting little trinkets like lures and bracelets. He has lots of books, mostly science, medicine and biology stuff, but also self help books like Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and some film books and classic literature (thrillers and romances are his favorites). His medicine and general doctoring gear, notes, etc etc is in a separate room (he likes to keep things easy to find. Everything has its place and every place has its designated things). And of course, he has an old monochrome TV and a radio in his kitchen/dining area. He likes to work with music or white noise from the TV while he cooks for himself. He probably likes this home a lot too due to its vicinity to the fishing area- just a short walk away, and he can go have fun fishing.

Sorry this took so long, but I hope you like it!

#resident evil 8 #salvatore moreau #human salvatore moreau #text post #headcanons #alcina dimitrescu #donna beneviento #angie beneviento #karl heisenberg #resident evil #resident evil village

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teddybeirin · 2 years

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4, 11, and 17 for the ask game!

How do you experience communication from parts?

Usually thoughts that are sent/shared, mostly in the form of imagery or imagined sensory experiences (ie, suddenly recalling the taste of pizza paired with the mental image of a little note that says "PLEASE?" when considering what to do for dinner.) rather than words. Sometimes it's clear, "these thoughts aren't mine, they're being thought AT me by xyz part" like… bootleg telepathy? Other times it's very muddled, no idea whose they are or what's going on, some things feel as though they are behind a "wall" of sorts - details blurry and unclear. From time to time, things are very clear - words speaking, like if we could "hear" one another within our own mind. But that's very rare, and it tends to happen right before sleeping or when our body is under some sort of big stress - too hungry, too tired, too scared, the like. It's more reliable to put little notes on paper or on the computer than to rely on the muddled and confusing inner communication 99% of the time, but that runs the risk of it being seen by family.

What are some denial busters that work?

Unsure if the others have come up with their own methods for this. I (Maeve), as a part, do not experience the same denial as the parts who deal with nicer portions of life. I know my job, I do my job, I am here and I know myself to be separate from the parts who need caring for and keeping safe. Sometimes it all feels very surreal, but that's just par for the course for me and so it is not something I view as a problem for my part.

If you could tell someone questioning whether they have DID/OSDD one thing, what would it be?

You aren't obligated to do anything that feels unsafe to you, you don't owe anyone information about yourself or your experiences to "prove" your experiences, don't push or force yourself to try and remember things if you aren't easily remembering them, don't bother getting involved with online spaces that feel uncomfortable for you and ignore the online arguments as much as you can anyhow because it will only set you back if you're not sure of yourself or what you need to heal or what you need to do to be stable yet, you are deserving of support no matter what you end up becoming certain of. That counts as one thing because it's one run-on sentence, of course. :)c

Thank you for asking! 🖤💫

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normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke · 3 years

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Sensory Things I’m Getting As Soon As I Move Out

My mom is less-than-accepting of my sensory issues and we don’t have a lot of space in our house anyway but there’s been some items on my list for a while that I think will really help me. I’m making a list mostly just to get it out of my system, but I hope I can introduce you to some sensory stuff that might help you out too! Most of my sensory stuff is tactile/kinesthetic based.

1. Hammock chair (tw for ableism towards autistic people from the source website. I’m not planning to buy from them, this is just an example).

I sat in one of these in at a store called Kite Loft and it was a transcendent experience. I like hammocks in general but they’re not practical for much except napping. These are a lot like the body socks/sensory chairs that they make for autistic people, but I had a lot of trouble finding those in a size that would work for an adult. Plus, those tend to be made out of a parachute-type material, whereas hammock chairs tend to be made out of a softer material like canvas.

2. Glider rocking chair.

I really like rocking chairs but I tend to rock rather violently and then I scare myself because I almost fall. Gliding chairs don’t do that unless you rock really hard, in which cause you would probably be hurting yourself anyway with the force of rocking. We have one currently and I love it so much, but it’s old and squeaky so the rest of the family doesn’t like when I use it.

3. Papasan chair/saucer chair.

I promise this is the last chair on the list. Whenever I see these at other people’s houses I get irrationally excited because I love sitting in them so much, especially the extra-big ones. They’re very nest-like in shape which I like a lot.

4. Blackout curtains.

I generally wasn’t a big fan of bright light before I developed ME, but now I have light sensitivity that can cause mild-but-annoying migraines. Having blackout curtains throughout my living space would mean that I would be able to function in the hours when the sun is the brightest while still maintaining the ability to easily let in light during the less-bright hours to help my depression.

5. Rose bush.

This one might seem a bit off compared to the others, but I love the smell of roses and it boosts my mood a lot. I also really like the look of them and the feel of the petals. We have a rose “bush” (really just a single stalk) that produces one or two roses each year with no care from us, but I’d really like to have a nice full rose bush with lots of roses. Plus, I’m a witch so having roses to use in my spells and recipes without having to buy them online would be nice.

6. Fish tank.

I technically already have a fish tank, but I want to set it up in a prominent place and stock it with some more plants to make it look nicer. Right now it’s in my room with no chairs around it so I don’t get to enjoy it as much as I would like. If you’re thinking about getting one, bigger is definitely better. I could go on and on about tank care (it’s one of my special interests) so if you’re thinking about starting a tank you can dm me and I’ll give you a crash course.

7. Color changing light bulbs.

This is something I have in my current room as well but I’m absolutely bringing it with me to whatever space I move into. Sometimes white light can be too harsh for my light sensitivity, and changing the lights to red usually helps. This means that again, I can still function and care for myself even when my light sensitivity is severe.

8. Meal replacement drinks.

I’m one of those people who, when faced with a decision on what to eat, will sometimes just choose “nothing” because making decisions is hard. I also have a lot of sensory issues surrounding food so it can be hard to find something that I can eat. My mom won’t get them because they’re expensive and “unhealthy”, which is fair. But I also feel like I would be a lot healthier overall if I was eating at least 3 meals a day, even if one of them is just a protein drink.

I’m always up for new suggestions, so feel free to add your own! Even if you don’t think it’ll be helpful, this is a hyperfixation/special interest-safe post so just go wild and talk about what you want.

#sensory issues #actually adhd #actually autistic #<---- self dxed but I'm putting this in the autistic tag because I think it might help people #house goals

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ddarker-dreams · 4 years

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Yandere Chrollo x Reader NSFW Headcanons [COMM]

Chrollo:

Chrollo will always bring with him an element of surprise. His encounters with you bring new possibilities every time, never one to fall into a familiar rhythm with. There are times where he’ll whisk you away to the name of some place you’ve never heard of, or he’ll bring you an exotic gift that’s one of a kind. You always look forward to seeing what he has in store for you.

But he also has a more personal side, where he would rather tailor his gifts more to your specific liking. While surprising you with rare treasures of immeasurable value is always enjoyable, he also wants to show that he pays attention to your likes and interests. Which prompts him to offer you more personalized gifts that he knows you’ll use

One of the times he came to visit you, he prepared what he thought you might find to be a thoughtful gift. Since you use technology often he got you high quality noise canceling earphones, having it wrapped and placed on your shared bed for you to open.

When you find the gift you can’t help but feel excited and curious, wondering what could be inside. Anything from Chrollo would be valued in your eyes, knowing that he took the time to get it for you. He watches with a knowing smile as you unwrap your latest gift, carefully observing your reaction.

As usual you’re ecstatic for the gift he got you, thanking him profusely and giving him a hug. He never would admit it but there’s a warm, foreign feeling in his chest from your gracious words. Chrollo already figures this is how you’d react, but experiencing it is nicer than imagining it.

Wanting to make sure that they fit you well, he prompts you to put them on for him. Chrollo’s guess for your size was correct, the style being one he would like to see you on you. Chrollo compliments your appearance, the sight of you in a gift sating his desire to mark you as his. H

Chrollo loves gifting you accessories or clothes that fit his specific aesthetic, typically neutral colors on the darker side. If your fashion sense is different than that he’ll still occasionally get you something that fits your style more, but he always has a soft spot for you wearing what he picks out.

His appreciation for how it looks on you may appear subtle at first, but he’s someone that has intent behind all of his actions. He’ll start by softly ghosting his hand over your skin, whispering a compliment into your ear from behind you. Goosebumps will line your skin as he does so, before he teasingly walks away like nothing happened. He wants to leave you full of longing, after all.

The rest of the night goes on as it usually does, Chrollo settling down to read on your couch and you enjoying your new headphones. Had you been paying close attention you may have been able to pick up on how Chrollo’s eyes shift to you occasionally, his attention on his book waning as time goes on. Seeing you happily humming away and having fun really did something to him that he couldn’t put his finger on.

It all has a pleasant, domestic feeling to him. While he never thought he’d be the type, he couldn’t help but think that even in quiet moments he enjoys your presence. His thoughts start to venture elsewhere, however, when he notices your sleeves had started slipping down.

You were wearing one of his shirts, one that’s far too large for you. When he inquired about it in the past you bashfully murmured something about liking his scent. But seeing you in it now, your thighs revealed and bare, along with your collarbones... it was growing too tempting to resist any longer. He quietly shuts his book, thinking of what it is exactly he wants to do.

It doesn’t take much for him to sneak up on you normally, being able to conceal his footsteps without any effort. But with your entire ability to hear being deprived it makes it all the easier. Chrollo feigns going to get something elsewhere in your place, so you don’t think much of his disappearance.

When he comes back he sneaks up on you, watching you listen to your music entirely oblivious to his nefarious intent. Chrollo scoops you up with ease, an amused chuckle leaving his lips at the surprise noise you let out from his sudden action. Before you can nudge your earphones off, Chrollo stops your actions with a shake of his head.

Confused but not willing to disobey, you follow with what he’s silently asking of you. He gently places you on your shared bed, drinking in your vulnerable position and flustered mannerisms. He pauses to allow you to settle, chastising you every time you attempt to take off your headphones. He makes it evident that they’re staying own throughout this.

Sensory deprivation was never something you’ve done with Chrollo, you were unaware of his newfound interest in playing around with it. You still accept your fate, shivering at the thought of what Chrollo wants to do with you.

He’s always teasing whenever you’re together, but this takes away a huge element of your control. All you’re capable of hearing is your own rapidly beating heart, your face warming as Chrollo crawls over to you. He gently presses you down, taking your lips in an eager kiss that grows more heated at times goes on.

His hands go to your shirt, fingers working to take it off without wasting anymore time. Once revealing your bare chest, Chrollo massages it with fervor you normally wouldn’t associate with him. All the while looking at you with a knowing smile, watching as you unravel in front of him.

Every aspect of your body has been memorized with a strict attention to detail. All of your preferences and reactions cataloged in his mind, allowing him to reduce you to a moaning state whenever he so desires. This time is no different, as he leans forward to mark the sensitive areas of your exposed skin.

Pulling back momentarily, he watches as you stare at him in confusion. Before activating his Hatsu, his book appearing in hand. There’s already a stolen ability he had in mind for whenever he wanted to do something like this, and he plans on using it to his advantage. You feel your wrists being pulled above your head, the sensation of rope materializing against your skin making you shiver.

“You can’t hear me, but,” Chrollo begins, watching with a pleased gleam in his eye as your arms are bound above your head. “It won’t cause you any harm. Although I doubt this was the intention behind this ability… It’ll still work.”

After taking another moment to drink in your appearance, Chrollo returns to his previous ministrations. Alternating between teasingly running his hands over your thigh, and brushing it over your core. He would comment about how wet you are for him, feeling as if you could tell what he was saying just from his lips.

Eventually he would give into your pleading whines to offer you more friction. He does take a while to soak in your moans of his name, always having enough patient to take his time. But when there are tears in the corner of your eyes he’ll finally give you what you want. If he was feeling crueler he would make you wait even longer, but you were too precious to constantly deny.

It feels strange to not hear anything but your own heavy breathing and heartbeat. At the same time you can focus only on what Chrollo is doing to you, you’re incapable of thinking about anything but him and his touch. What felt uncomfortable at first isn’t all that bad, anxiety melting away into pleasure and lust.

Chrollo always had an appreciation for watching your facial expressions. As embarrassing as it might feel, he’d stop his movements if you ever looked away for too long or closed your eyes. So you have no choice but to return his gaze or never experience release.

It feels so good, but every time you grind against Chrollo’s hands he slows down. Smiling at the whines you let out in response, you know he won’t let you come as fast as you want to. Chrollo’s patience is a blessing and a curse, but in these situations it always feels like a curse. He always slows down when you need him to go faster, taking in your needy actions.

Eventually he removes his shirt, which is always a sight you love to see. It’s impossible to not stare at his defined chest. At least with these earphones on you don’t have to hear his relentless teasing of how much you must like him. As if you need to be reminded.

After rubbing your clit for long enough, Chrollo notices your panties are soaked. He’s pleased to see you’re wearing a pair that he had bought you a while ago, a lacy black pair with floral accents. It’s one of his favorites to see against your skin. But while Chrollo loves how it looks, he’s more interested in what’s underneath.

You can see his member straining against his own boxers, showing proof of what you did to him. He’s able to cover his reactions and control his facial expressions better than you, but from his touches getting rougher you know what he wants. He’s only human after all, he can’t hide all of his desire.

For good measure, Chrollo slowly places his middle and pointer finger into you. Sharply inhaling at the new sensation inside of you, Chrollo eases his fingers in and out of you with ease. Seeing you’re ready enough for him, he removes his digits and expects them with amusement.

You see his lips moving but you don’t know what he’s saying. Eventually he cocks an eyebrow, before holding his fingers in front of your mouth. Holding your gaze he tells you to suck. Finally understanding what he was telling you, you hesitantly open your mouth; face on fire.

Chrollo is always pleased with your eager obedience, and he allows you to clean his fingers. He removes his fingers after a minute or so, a small pleased hum leaving his lips. He removes his boxers before lining himself at your entrance.

He bites his lip while entering you, taking in the sensation of you around him. Chrollo places a firm grip on your waist, and you can’t help but think of the bruises it would most likely leave later. Setting a steady pace, he leans forward to leave more marks against your neck.

Your own release feels so close, and by how Chrollo’s thrusts are getting sloppier you know he is as well. Low grunts leave his lips, eyes glazed over with lust at the sight of you. You look perfect to him like this, vulnerable and entirely submissive to him and his desires. Chrollo wants to give you a reward for being so good for him.

He knows you well, his touches growing more fervent. Slipping his fingers to your clit, he sloppily rubs circles until you throw your head back with a needy whine. Meeting his every thrust with your hips, you finally feel the coil snap within you. Riding out your high, you see Chrollo chasing his own.

Feeling like a complete, tired mess, you look at Chrollo through your eyelashes. He pulls out of you, stroking himself a few more times; before cumming on your bare thigh with a low moan. He takes a moment to compose himself, before removing your restraints and taking your headphones off.

Chrollo can’t help but laugh at your current state, putting a stray strand of hair behind your ear with affection. You instinctively go to cover your chest, blushing, noting the soreness that’s already settling in. Gathering yourself for a moment, you watch as he dresses himself once more.

“So I take it you liked your gift?”

“... Just a bit.”

558 notes · View notes

queenjunoking · 3 years

Text

Wolf Taming Pt 26

CW: Noncon - Shock Collar - Pain - Petplay - Drugs - Kidnapping - Manipulation - Consent Violation

2 Years Ago

“Morning Z.” A woman’s voice pulled me from my sleep. I blinked a few times to clear my eyes and saw Briar standing in the doorway holding a plate. “Oh dear. Were you actually sleeping last night? I’m really sorry I woke you up, you need all of it you can get.”

Briar was one of the few people I’d met that I could actually stand. She joined the Society about a month before I did and had been one of the few people who seemed genuine. For better or worse she had taken an interest in me after Eos had recommended I work here. She was nice and helpful, but it also meant enduring her quirks.

"Hello Miss Briar, how are you today?"

She sighed. "For the last time Z we're equals here. Briar is fine. It feels strange for you of all people to be calling me by a title."

"The Society has been pretty strict on titles, I'd prefer to keep to them while we're in one of their buildings."

"Z, between the two of us you're the one with an epithet. You should be a higher rank than you are. You're very good at what you do."

"The epithet is just a joke at my expense. If I was capable of doing things your way I would."

“I see. Epithets are a pretty big honor to have. Only like what, 7 percent of members have one? Why do you feel like it’s a joke?”

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Psychoanalyze me. Leave that for whoever's in your file for today.” Briar was nice, but she stuck her nose where it didn’t belong. It seemed like she was digging for something when I talked to her. She was a psychologist before she joined the Society. From my own experience with psychologists they made it a habit to stick their noses where you didn’t want them too.

Briar went silent for a moment before changing the subject. “So who is it today?”

“Some rando who decided to look for the Society.”

“Reporter?”

“No.” I couldn’t manage to suppress a sigh. “A kinkster that doesn’t really get what this place is about. Unfortunately for her it’s a bit too late to back out. Could I have a minute so I can get dressed?”

“Sure, I’ll be waiting outside.”

I looked at the clock, it was already two in the afternoon. I didn’t think it was that late already, apparently I did fall asleep at some point. It’s not like I’d gone outside much recently, I mostly kept to myself and daylight didn’t easily reach a place this deep.

I put on a pair of my favorite jeans and a black t-shirt and I was ready. A lot of the other breakers liked to dress up, find a theme to their work. One girl here dressed as a latex nurse. One guy loved his heavy goth look. Briar loved leather. I mostly kept it casual. I didn’t see why I should need some gimmick for my job.

I opened the door and motioned to her to come with. “Alright, lets go.”

“Nuh-uh. Wait.” She put out an arm to bar my exit and motioned for me to back up. “Here, have something to eat before you gather your equipment.” She placed the plate she was handing onto my desk. Just some toast and jam.

“I could have gotten something to eat myself.”

“I’m sure you could have, but were you going too?”

“Maybe? I kind of have a lot to take care of.”

“Uh-huh. Did you eat anything yesterday?” I hated when she did this, I could feel her looking me over like she could pick out something I did to prove that I was lying to her. I’m not sure why she cared.

“Fine!’ I was getting exasperated. I took a bite of the toast. “I’m eating it. Happy now?”

“Happier. You need to take care of yourself.” I was bracing myself for another lecture, but she went quiet. “You really leaving at the end of the week, Z?”

“Mhm. Today’s lucky capture will be the last one I’ll have to do. Got a house lined up and stuff. We’ll see how it goes. Plus... she’ll be done today.”

“Oh, right. If you want some help with that later on let me know. It’ll be easier with two people. If you ever want to talk about it you know where I’ll be.”

“I don’t have anything I need to talk about. Have a good day Briar.” I heard a bit of a sad sigh when I walked away from her. I had other things on my mind, I didn’t really have time to think about her five hundredth attempt to get me to talk to her about something. I flipped open the file

Name: Kim Raum

Height: 5’ 5

Eyes: Grey

Hair: Blonde (Bleached and Dyed)

Former Job: Tech Firm Manager

Reason for Capture: She stuck her nose where it didn’t belong and learned too much. She has been designated a liability.

Additional Information: We’ve searched through her computers and phone and evidence she is already a submissive who fantasizes about being owned by another person. She has a particular interest in being a petgirl and has fantasies of being a fox girl. She has masochist tendencies. We believe it is these tendencies that got her onto a trail of rumors about the Society. Others involved have already been captured and brought to the auction house.

We did not bring her here for her own pleasure. She is here to be punished for her transgressions. We recommend either Miss Briar or Z for this task due to the particular needs required. A complete break is requested.

Known Fears or Phobias: N/A

Chosen Breaker: Z

Chosen Fate for the New Capture: Sold at Auction.

Breaker Percentage: 3%

Breaker Notes: I sent out an invitation to the target via a Society Member working in a kink dungeon she frequents to visit the Auction House. The member is known to her and she agreed to the “full experience” which included a “fake” kidnapping where she will be secured on an evening walk by a capture team lead by Jude. I have orders for her to be placed in my usual room where she will be under the belief that this is just a sex club of some sort. In order to expedite the process she was given something to fill out so she knows what kinds of activities she may experience here.

It was going to be a long day. We occasionally caught some reporters or friends of those we captured snooping about. If the Society felt it was safe to move against them we’d capture them. I’m not sure we ever came across someone who was looking to join willingly. They really had no idea what we were about.

I went to the preparation area and picked out the things I wanted. It was always the same list. I found my method effective enough I didn’t see a reason to change it. I filled out an order for it to be set out for 7 P.M., when I’d be meeting the person I’d be spending time with for a few days.

I got a message informing me last minute this session would be recorded as it was my last one. It was for record keeping as I had yet to have a recorded session. I sighed and returned to my room. I spent the remainder of my time trying to act in front of my mirror. I felt I was a pretty bad actor, but I only needed to be so convincing. My alarm went off at 6:45 and I made my way to the breaking chambers.

I opened the door and saw the occupant go from looking around the room to pretending to be asleep. I rolled my eyes and entered the room. They were shackled in my favorite device. It was similar to a chair you might see in a gynecologist office, but the stirrups could lock and the arms could be locked up near their head. It gave me full access to their body.

“Good evening Miss Raum, I know you’re awake.”

“What gave it away?”

“I saw you looking around.”

“That was more of a rhetorical… anyway. Are you Z? Where you the one who sent me that message?”

“I am. One of the perks of working here is getting a one night voucher you can give to someone. It’s a pretty special gift. I didn’t have anyone I wanted to give mine too so I asked Aiden if he knew anyone who would appreciate it. He dropped your name.”

“Guess I’m just lucky. This place is exciting. Have you seen the place up front? There's an entire stage, what’s it for?”

“This is the Auction House Miss Raum, the stage is the most important place in the entire building.”

I saw her eyes go wide. “Like you guys actually auction off people here? How does it work? Is it just like for some activities tonight or something?”

I smiled at her. “You’ll learn in due time. If you’re good for me you might get to see it yourself.”

“Aww… I have to be good?” She flashed some puppy dog eyes at me.

“Good is a relative term. Believe me, you’ll know if you’re being bad. But we have to go through the formalities before we really begin. We try to keep the Auction House pretty immersive, but we have to check in first. What is your name?

“Kim Raum.”

“Miss Raum-”

“Please just call me Kim.”

“Alright. Kim. Kim, do you remember the safeword you were given before?”

“Traffic light system, I got it.”

“And you know my particular area I work with?” I circled around behind her. I reached into the refrigerated portion and pulled out a knife and a pair of scissors and placed them in my pockets.

“Aiden said you like ‘sensory stuff’ and said it would be better to talk to you about it than him spoiling the surprise.”

“Pretty much. I hope it’ll be something you remember. Are you wearing the clothes I requested?” I stood behind her as we talked. Every movement mattered since this was being recorded.

“I might have worn something nicer had I realized what kind of upscale place this was, but I wore what you asked. Clothes I didn’t mind losing. Jude already showed me where to go to pick up new clothes after this. I have to admit, the immersive experience has been pretty great so far. Kidnapping team is quite fantastic.”

I gave her a smile. It’s interesting hearing someone so happy about a trap they willingly walked into. “You know what to do if it gets too much. I’m sure you know what to do if you want more as well. Just say your name and that you consent and we can begin. You can always revoke it at any time.”

“My name is Kim Raum and I consent to this.” I slipped a blindfold over her eyes. This always worked best when they couldn’t see.

I wrapped my arms around her from the back. I pressed the button on the switchblade and it shot out, grazing her cheek with it’s icy tip. I felt her tense up a bit. A great start.

“Oooooh nooooo. Are you going to hurt me? That’s terrible.” I could hear a bit of a laugh. I’m glad she was enjoying herself for now.

I walked around to the front of her, dragging the tip of the knife down from the side of her wrist to her waist as I walked by. Light enough not to draw blood. Hard enough to feel the cold sharp blade. “We’ll see. Your clothes are in my way.”

I pulled the pair of scissors out of my pocket. I felt her shiver as the metal touched her stomach. I held onto her shirt as I slid the scissors up her stomach, the scissors slid through the cloth like it was a hot knife through butter. I managed to bisect her shirt and bra with one motion. A lucky move to be honest, I usually had to make a second cut for that. With a few more swipes I cut down the sleeves to the center before I pulled the tatters off of her and threw them to the side.

I moved down to her pants and did the same thing. A single gliding cut up each pant leg and I could pull them off. I didn’t catch her panties with them unfortunately. The scissors had warmed up at this point so I placed them off to the side. I flicked open the knife and traced it over her as I studied them.

I decided to take the risk. I held the knife close like I was going to cut them off. Then with one motion I instead grabbed them and pulled, tearing the fabric and pulling them off.

“Whoa.” “Yeah, I’m kind of impressed in myself to be honest. Wasn’t sure if it would work and it would have been embarrassing if it didn’t.” I walked back over to the cart and placed the knife and scissors back in the refrigerated compartments. “How about we switch it up a bit?”

“Got more settings than cold?” She did enjoy poking at me. I wasn’t sure if that really made me feel better or worse about what I was building up to.

I gave her a little chuckle. “A couple more at least.”

I placed a few things on a tray and brought it over to her. A wand vibrator, two lotions, some swabs, and some latex gloves.The vibrator came with an attachment so I could hook it to the chair. I put it on it’s lowest setting and placed it snug against her. “I like to introduce a bit of pleasure to go with the pain.”

“Oh? Were the scissors and the knife not supposed to be the pleasure portion?”

“I can see you were the right person to give that voucher to Kim. I’m sure you’ll appreciate what else we’ll be doing.”

I slid on the gloves and applied a dab of the bottles to each nipple. I began rubbing it in and listened to her moan. Soon enough their effects began to work and she squirmed a bit. “Something wrong?”

“Probably not, just a little surprised. A tiny bit chilly on one side but the other side is a bit hot.” It was a neat little concoction. One side was a special mixture of a pepper the Society cultivated. The other side was a mint extract of some type. It wasn’t too bad without the full mixture.

“How’s it feeling?” I whispered into her ear.

“It’s an interesting feeling. Surely you can do a bit more though?”

Just the opening I was waiting for. I turned the wand up to a higher setting and walked back to the cart and picked up the items I needed for the main performance. Another lotion bottle, a spray bottle, a syringe, a vial, an enema bag, a jug of ice water, a special rubber gag and a hood. Everything she needed to be comfortable for a few hours. I removed her blindfold so she could see the tray.

“Is that a syringe?” I could hear the caution in her voice.

“Indeed it is. The Society creates a lot of their own drugs among other things. This is a particularly fun one I think you’ll enjoy.” I held up the syringe and filled it with the contents of the vial.

“Red. No.” She paused for a second to moan as the vibrator continued to do its work. “Red. No needles. No drugs.” She sat there, expecting something to happen. I was just searching for the best place to inject it. “What the fuck are you doing?! Stop!”

“What was that Kim?”

“Are you deaf I said re-” When she opened her mouth again I lifted the spray bottle and sprayed the contents into her mouth. “What the hell was-” she was interrupted again when she suddenly screamed and began to thrash in the chair. I felt a smile touch my lips but I quickly wiped it away.

I grabbed the rubber gag and shoved it into her mouth. It was an oval gag meant to keep the wearer’s mouth pried open but wouldn’t let them bite down all the way. It helped protect the tongue.

I grabbed her by the hair to pull her head to the headrest. “Look at me.” Her eyes darted towards me, wide. I could see she was afraid now. She knew the play was done. “Kim, that's a special spray made with a pepper that’s cultivated by our group. It’s called a Hellfire Kiss. I’ve obviously never tried it myself. I’m not really into spicy things. But I’m told it's over as hot as a Carolina Reaper but I’m afraid I don’t really have a reference for how hot that is. Be good and I’ll share something I have that’ll neutralize it. Be bad and I’m sure I can find other places you really don’t want this to touch. You’re shackled to a chair right now, you have nowhere you can escape to. Nod your head up and down if you want to be a good girl.”

She was still trying to break out of the chair, but she vigorously nodded her head up and down. “It’s so easy to be a good girl Kim, I’m glad you’ve decided to work with me.” I jabbed her with the needle and injected the substance. It was quite the lovely mixture. A special stimulant that helped the user take more of a beating before they would lose consciousness. It also intensified sensations, making everything she was feeling even more intense.

I pulled on another pair of latex gloves and squirted the lotion into my hands. I ignored her crying and applied the lotion to her nipples. She gasped as the full effect of the lotions started. The other two on their own were nice for sore muscles. If either was mixed with this one it intensified their effects. I was told that it was fairly safe but the sensation would keep intensifying for a while. As the seconds ticked by her thrashing renewed and unintelligent babble left her mouth.

It was easier not to acknowledge it. She would have to get used to not being acknowledged in any meaningful way.

I inserted the enema plug into her none too gently. I had things to do today and didn’t want to spend much more time here. She made a small noise of discontent at the feeling but started begging again when I started to fill the bag. I just kept ignoring her. It didn’t really matter what she wanted or what her thoughts on anything were anymore. It was time she learned that. I watched as it started to run into her. The water was just barely above freezing. It would be pretty painful. Beyond just being filled to the brim with water that cold it would cause pretty horrific cramping.

“Almost done. Then you can sit on your own for a few hours and think about how you willingly came here.” I placed the earbuds in her. They just played loud static. I wanted her to focus on the sensation. It was best to make sure every sense was being used.

I took one last look into her eyes before I pulled the hood over her head. It covered her eyes but left a place open for her nose and mouth. I opened the spray bottle and dipped some swabs in the mixture. I held the bottle up to her mouth and gave her another spray, resulting in a new round of screams. I went over to the table and picked out a plug for the gag and inserted it, forcing her to breathe through her nose. I heard her whimper as the first round of cramps spread through her. I took the swabs and swirled them around her nose. I watched her fingers curl as she tried to reach for her face. This method kept it around longer. She’d be breathing it in for awhile.

With that I was done. In a few hours she’d pass out and someone else would clean her up. I’d be repeating this activity several times a day for the rest of the week and hope she broke before the end of the week.

I looked back at my last victim. Anyone else would have drawn out what they were doing. Slowly breaking them over time until they acknowledge their new lot in life. But not me. I did my best to overwhelm them with sensations until it was too much for them. She was a sobbing mess now but soon she would break and be fine. I broke them as quick as I could to protect them from anymore suffering.

I was a figure of mercy.

I cared for them.

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big-tiddie-squad · 4 years

Text

My Cafe Date With U

@twancingyunhoe good morning sunshine! I love youuuu heres my first fluff just for you! 🥰🥰🥰

All inner thoughts are represented by ~~

Yourname365 has joined THE WORLD.

You see your user name floating in front of your eyes, excited to finally be able to play with the new VR system.

You’d been hoping to win the mini competition the nearby store had been hosting, in hopes to be the first to experience it. Well, the first “regular” person, .... and to get away from the real world for a little while, and the voice that keeps you down.

~Stupid and childish to play such a little game. What a waste of time.~

Please... not now.

Its been oppen to the rich and various celebrities across the globe for several months now. But that doesn’t matter. You’re just excited to escape. You’d heard that you can use the sensory pads to actually feel things in The World. There’s even a small ox of tablets that allow you to TASTE the foods in this virtual world.

~POINTLESS.~

You look down at your hands. Everything looks so real. You’d made your in-world self similar to how you look in the real world. When it becomes open to the rest of the real world, you wanted your friends to recognize you easily. Though... technically you could have made yourself into a small faerie like creature with cat ears and a tail and they’d probably assume its you.

~Everyone hates you. You have no friends. Those people just feel sorry for you~

I...I know.....

You look around The World and are awestruck. You’re in the middle of a small city. The roads are made with different shades of red brick and the trees offer the perfect ration of sunlight to shade. There’s 2 or 3 cafes with a few celebrities and other famous people you never would have thought you’d see here.

Everything is so bright and it warms you almost as if it was real sunlight. You’re glad you chose to use the sensory pads on the first trip here. The trees sway slightly and a light breeze caresses your bare arms. Your old t-shirt and pj pants were replaced with a nicer shirt and a pair of leggings.

“I wonder what all I can do? ....Is it appropriate to just walk up to famous people here and ask? No.... no I won’t bother them. Maybe there’s a starter guide in the menu?” You say to yourself. “Let’s see,” you somehow manage to open the menu, which is a great start, and begin walking to the nearest cafe that you had seen. The menu blocks most of your view but you have a pretty good memory and you continue to walk as you search for a guide. “Inventory? No. Settings? No.... hmmm...oof!” You slam into something solid.

“ SORRY! Sorry!” You repeat and bow, panicking as you realize you can’t figure out how to close the menu now.

~Here we go again... Once a moron always a moron~

Please stop.

“I’m so sorry this menu blocks my whole view! I can’t figure out how to close it... I’m so so so sorry!” You feel hands on your arms, steadying you and keeping you from bowing anymore. “Hey, it’s ok haha. No harm done just take a deep breath.” A wonderful voice says, exuding nothing but kindness and understanding. It sounds so familiar....

“Just twitch your right pinky finger, it opens and closes the menu.” The man explains calmly. You try it.... and it works. You keep your eyes down, then go to bow again and thank the person and again he keeps you from bowing again. You can’t bring yourself to look up at him. To look at which famous person you embarrassed yourself in front of, your FIRST TIME here in The World.

~STUPID STUPID STUPID~

please....

~How could you have been so STUPID.~

You should have just looked at the instructions.

~What an idiot there you go again making a fool of yourself. PATHETIC.~

Your eyes water at the intrusive thoughts. You notice your body starting to shake. Your breath is becoming more and more uneven. You feel like the heat is being sucked out of you.

A panic attack.

The man in front of your notices and speaks but it sounds like he’s underwater. Like YOU’RE underwater.

~It’s hopeless.~

You feel him guide you and pull you down... into a chair. He moves his hands slowly down to your hands and holds them both. You’re shaking like a leaf. Unable to speak or focus much. And then you hear a muffled tune. The thumbs of the strangers hands both rub small circles on yours and occasionally apply a little pressure and the circles continue again. The combination of both the muffled tune and the circles being rubbed onto your hand provide something for you to focus on.

You feel yourself calming down from the attack after a few minutes and the muffled tune breaks through to a lovely voice.

“-hangsang nae gyeote meomulieo jwo-”

You recognize the words... that voice... you stare at his hands. His strong hands. Ones you’ve gushed over before. Tentatively, you look up. Up into the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen.

Your heart kick starts.

Yunho....

You stare, dumbfounded as he quietly cuts off before the next verse. “Better now?” His worrying eyes take in every feature on your face and suddenly you feel the heat rise in your cheeks and along your neck. “Y--yes. Thank you....” You manage to fumble out. He smiles softly and then chuckles seeing the tinge of red. It’s like everything brightens more with his smile and laughter. “ I’ll go grab you something to eat and drink... I know it’s fake but who doesn’t like food?” He leaves you to go inside the building you’re both by.

You realize now that he has sat you down at a cafe and you look around taking the beauty of it. You stare at the pretty little bouquet of Dahlias sitting in the middle of your table. Yunho returns with 2 hot teas and a large slice of tiramisu.

“...I hope you like tea and tiramisu.... I forgot to ask. It’s ok if you don’t though, I can go get something else for you.” He rambles a little all while holding two small forks.

You smile and laugh. “I love tiramisu and tea. For that matter I love both hot and cold tea. But uh... what’s with the tiny forks?” You ask curiously.

He shyly smiles as you take one. “ I think they’re cute. Honestly, I think all small things are cute.” He looks you in the eye and clears his throat before looking at the cake. “Hope you don’t mind sharing.” He smiles and digs in taking a comedic sized scoop of the cake and shoveling it into his mouth. You laugh and eat some yourself. The flavor explodes in your mouth and you could almost actually believe you're actually sitting with Yunho eating cake. THE YUNHO!

“You’re... You’re Yunho, right? You’re in Ateez?” You question. He stops eating and you see a little powdered espresso on his lips before he swipes his tongue across it and licks it clean. "You’ve heard of us?” He looks so proud. “Of course I love your guys’ music! You’re all extremely talented!” You gush before becoming shy again.

~Don’t be any weirder than you already are. He’s only being nice because you had a panic attack.~

Shut up.

“Thank you! It’s always nice to hear from a fan. ...and such a pretty one at that.” He beams.

~He’s lying.~

SHUTUP.

~He’s supposed to be nice to all-~

SHUTUP. Just... let me be happy for one moment...

Just one single moment.

~.......................~

Yunho reaches across the table towards you and brushes a tear off your face. When did that happen? “Are you okay?” He asks, voice filled with concerned. “Why are you crying?” You wipe the tears that follow in the first ones place... you feel you can tell him...it’s not like you’ll see him ever again anyways right? “I have.... I have intrusive thoughts. It’s like my subconscious always has something mean or hateful to add. I keep having the thoughts lately. Sometimes it feels like its just me and that tiny hateful little voice in the back of my mind. It makes me feel stupid and worthless....” you trail off... you’re talking to much again... the voice always said you talked to much.

Yunho is staring at you... eyebrows scrunched and frown on his perfect face. He stands up and walks over to you. Then turns your chair so that you face him and then pulls you up and out of it. He wraps you in a hug, strong arms incasing you and rests his chin on your head. “Tell that voice, that Yunho said to be quiet and leave you alone. I don’t want you to ever think that way about yourself. If you do, I want you to come straight to me. I know we don’t know each other well but if you feel down I’ll be waiting here for you. You’re a perfect, beautiful human being and you deserve to see yourself and treat yourself as one. So tell that voice to go away and never come back. Okay?”

You stand there... shocked. Unable to produce anymore tears and the feeling of copious amounts of kindness and love radiating from him and the words he’s just said.

I deserve to see and treat myself as a a perfect, beautiful human being.

You nod your head and after several minutes, something that sounds like a ringtone goes off. Yunho releases you and his eyes seem to stare off into the distance before he blinks and looks back down at you. “ That was my phone going off. Unfortunately, i have to go to practice now. It was nice meeting you-... oh wow I’m so sorry I never asked you for your name?”

You smile. “It’s y/n. go on, don’t let me hold you up. Wouldn’t want you to be late for practice.”

He smiles widely, “ Can-... can we meet here tomorrow again? Around 2? If you aren’t busy of course. I want to talk to you more. We can talk about whatever you like. Your day, your life, your likes/dislikes, or your feelings? Whatever you want.” He looks hopeful and anxious, pulling at the bottom of his shirt.

“Sure.” You say filled with more confidence than you ever thought you could muster. In less than an hour, he helped give you back some of your confidence. He helped you realize you were more than that little voice said you were.

That’s how you met him. That’s why you meet up several times a week in a virtual world now. Why you both want to meet up in the real world now. That’s how these cafe dates with HIM started.

#ateez fluff #roommates #for my roommate #ateez yunho #ateez fic #not a fluff writer #not even a writer #i hope it's okay #it's a little after 3 am #intrusive thoughts #depression #cafe

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neurodiversestudent · 4 years

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A Guide To College Housing On The Spectrum

First things first, are you going to live on campus or off-campus? This will greatly affect how you live and your daily life. Many colleges require students to live on campus at least one year, but you may be able to waive that requirement depending on your circumstances. It’s a good idea to figure this out early on, because if you decide to live off-campus waiving the campus living requirements can be a long process If you decide to live off campus, there are a few options: Live with your parents. If your family lives close to the university or college. This is a great option for autistic students who may be nervous about dramatic routine changes or living areas. On the other hand, it also can mean you may feel a little left out, as many first year students opt to live on their own. It’s important to remember though that living with your parents during college is perfectly fine though, and also often more economically sensible.

Off-campus apartments. Pros is that off campus apartments almost always tend to be nicer than first-year housing and you can get a lot more choice what kind of living you might want. This is by far the best way to find housing that is optimal for your sensory needs,but beware that off-campus apartments can also be very expensive.

Off campus living can be great because it typically allows you more flexibility with your housing preferences and also truthfully, tends to be nicer than on campus housing. However, you can also miss out on many on-campus housing events such as “dorm socials” and “dorm sports” that would allow you to socialize or help you better assimilate into your university. Additionally, being directly on campus can help you focus and be a better student. With all that being said, the effectiveness of living in dorms can greatly vary depending on the university. Some universities have very few organized dorm events and the on-campus housing is pretty much indifferent to living in an apartment off-campus. This is especially true of “commuter schools” where most of the students commute to campus and don’t live in student housing. So don’t assume that living off-campus means you’ll be missing out on the “college experience”. If you decide to live on campus, think about how you want to live and where. Do you want to live close to the center of campus or on the edge of it? Do you want to live in a traditional dorm style bunk-bed set up or something more akin to an apartment? Definitely consider these things when you’re filling out your housing app. Generally speaking, there are two types of housing options on campus Traditional old-school dorm housing. Tends to be bare-bones small rooms that typically house two or three students. It is common to share a bedroom with one other roommate. You may be able to request a single, though. Typically beds are across from each other and there is a small study desk for each student and a microwave. Maybe a communal kitchen that is shared across the floor, though not always. Bathrooms are communal, meaning you typically shower and brush your teeth in a large shared bathroom. Typically the bathrooms are also separated by gender. Not gonna lie, I think this is by far the hardest option for autistic students. The lack of personal space can be brutal. But these dorms are also the most common and cheapest. And they do tend to provide the best social environment, typically.

Apartment style housing. Exactly what it sounds like. Very similar to off-campus housing usually, but with the added benefit of being closer to dining halls and campus resources. You’ll typically share a kitchen and bathroom with 3-4 other roommates. Typically much quieter than traditional dorms. Some apartment-style dorms still have aspects of traditional dorm life like floor socials and study areas, making them truly the best of both worlds, but others may lack a sense of community. I still think these are by far the best option for autistic students because you’re way more likely to get a single and a private bathroom in these dorms than traditional housing. The only major negative is that these tend to be more expensive and sometimes aren’t offered for first years.

#actuallyautistic #repost since tumblr shadowbanned it in the tags #autistic #also updated it since old version had lots of typos/bad autocorrects #college

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rebelwheelssoapbox · 5 years

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Why Is Governor Cuomo Attacking Disabled New Yorkers Like Me? (And What You Can Do About It)

In 2018, my body developed Dysphagia (a condition where easily swallowing food and water, is not really an option.) Meanwhile, my brain, apparently feeling like the first one needed a friend, grew a second brain cyst. As a result, I became mostly bed bound and spent a good portion of my summer in a hospital and then eventually in a rehab/nursing home.

When I was in these environments, I only got worse. Both places struggled to accommodate my particular dietary needs (in fact I lost even more weight while there), they had absolutely zero training in regard to processing disorders (as my brain is on the spectrum), and refused to let me use my motorized wheelchair with spine support (which my spine needs), forcing me to either stay in bed all day or attempt to use their manual wheelchair which was harmful to my spine (as it lacked the spine support that it requires), and was utterly exhausting to my muscles. It was to the point where several times, I went from mostly bed bound to totally bed bound. Furthermore, in the 3 weeks that I was in the nursing home, I received a total of two showers. Sometimes I got a partial “sponge bath” where they hastily “washed” maybe (at best) 1/5th of your body, but never washed the soap off which really irritated your skin. Thankfully, I transitioned from the nursing home to my apartment, as I knew that with proper services, I could live in my home and in my chosen community. That's when I started to apply for medicaid and specifically CDPA, a program that would allow me to choose who I hire and work with as my PCA (or personal care attendant).

[a photo of myself in my hospital bed, post voting on Election Day. It wore me out, but with the assistance of my CDPA PCA, I was able to do it. Image of a disabled woman with spastic arms holding up a “I Voted” sticker, as she lays on her hospital bed with purple sheets. She is wearing headphones to reduce the noise.] The word in the disability community was that CDPA was the way to go, and it makes sense. After all, if you must rely on people to feed and bathe you, wouldn't you want a say in who does that? Wouldn't you feel safer interviewing the candidates beforehand and having a voice in who is allowed into your home? Having input as to who is in charge of your health? With traditional services, you do not have a say in any of this. I know this because at one point, while in the process of setting up CDPA, due to bureaucratic hoopla, I was somewhat forced into traditional services (it was either that or have them close my case and re-apply for Medicaid all over again - which was not much of an option as the process takes so long as it is).

[a photo of myself as The Woman’s March before the setback. I am wearing a cat hat and a holding a protest sign that reads “Disabled People Don’t Want Your Pity. We Just Want Out Rights.”] In addition to basically having to let total strangers into my home, all the PCAs that the agency sent to me, were not fluent in English, to the point where I could not communicate my needs (and they could not communicate theirs). I once asked if I could please have a popsicle. I was brought an apple. I said “no, no, it's in the freezer.” but as much as this person tried, they did not know the word. But it went beyond that. Because the PCAs and I could not fully communicate with each other, they didn't understand that they needed to clean the humidifier daily (which was essential as it kept the dysphagia at bay, and helped me with my breathing). As a result, not only did they partially damage the humidifier (due to a lack of cleaning), but my dysphagia got worse. At one point, I actually started to choke on my food, but because of the communication barrier, the weekend PCA did not understand what was happening. And cognitive exercises? Something I need on a daily basis (as I am prone to cognitive down slide) - that just was not happening. In fact, similar to when I was at the nursing home/hospital, the people did not understand neurodivergency, and cognitively I only got worse. But probably one of the most harrowing experiences, was when a friend of mine was over and I decided now was a good time to try a shower with the weekday PCA, who at this point, I did not totally feel safe with. How can I communicate my rules about consent if there was a language barrier between us? How could I feel safe when she would sometimes think it was funny when my speech impediment was in effect (as if it impacted my credibility. It does not.) On top of that, with my processing disorder, where I can not process information in real time, I could not always process what was happening to me and communicate my needs in real time. But it had been weeks since I had a shower, (unlike when I have CDPA, where showers and proper sponge baths happen on a regular basis) and I figured with my friend here, she could help advocate if necessary. And thank god, she was there! There I was in the shower, and the PCA was scrubbing my skin so harshly, that it was physically painful. It was so overwhelming on a sensory level and traumatic! Even my friend, seeing what was happening said “Why are you being so rough with her?!” and told her to be more gentle, but she didn't understand nor stop. I cried so hard when it was done and refused to shower till I was able to transition back to CDPA.

[original artwork that I made at the time. I felt so frustrated and powerless - especially since I knew if I could get back on CDPA, it wouldn’t be like this. original artwork showing an angry face ] But (in my experience) that is traditional services. I can try to request another person, but they sent me three people within a short period of time, and while some were nicer than others, this was pretty much the standard. With CDPA, I am in charge of the hiring process. I can hire someone based on their experience and compatibility. I can ask about what are their views on disability and not hire someone who is condescending and/or rough with me. With CDPA you can even hire a family member or friend, who understands your needs but won’t go bankrupt in the process of caring for you, because they will get paid to do so. With traditional services, I have no say who I get. With traditional services, they don't send you someone based on your needs. They send you a person – anyone who is available to cover that shift. Thankfully, after the people that I hired were fully registered, I was able to transition back to CDPA. I now have two lovely PCAs who have experience with people with processing disorders, who are creative and work with me to do cognitive exercises. And because in NYC, they are paid more than the traditional service PCAs, they are happier and put more effort into their work. As a result, I feel safe again. I can relax again. I can go back to focusing on getting stronger, and doing things that bring me joy, so I can improve my standard of living, so I can lead a full and fulfilling life. In my experience, I would not be able to do that with traditional services, where my energy was put towards just barely getting by.

[a photo of myself laying in my hospital bed with purple sheets. I am wearing a narwhal adult onesie, and reading “Howl” by Allen Ginsberg.] So you might imagine the near panic and heartbreak that I felt when I read that “ Governor Cuomo is looking to end the Consumer Directed Personal Assistance (CDPA) program as we know it today. Worse yet, his attacks on the program go so far as putting the entire fate of the program in the hands of Washington, now going on a month of their shutdown.“ After taking a deep breath, I asked Gregg Beratan from CDRNYS what exactly are the details of this change, and what can the people can do about it: “Long story short: This budget will repeal the law that made CDPA and replace it with a stripped down version that eliminates 9 out of every 10 FIs [fiscal intermediaries] in the state. The ultimate goal is to move to ONE FI for all of New York. So if the agency is one of the 10% that survives initially, they will not be around long." This is a total nightmare. One of the many benefits of CDPA, is that you have the option to shop around and get the best living wage (as different FI’s or fiscal intermediaries offer varying wages) for the people you hire. Having the ability to offer a proper wage, isn’t just a matter of worker solidarity (though that is most definitely part of it.) It is far easier to keep a good worker when they can financially support themselves on the pay they are given. A low wage means more employee turn over and more disgruntled workers, which increases the risk of abuse. Gregg went on to explain that if things move forward as Cuomo plans, and “If your FI opened its doors after January 1, 2012 or is not an independent living center it will be out of business immediately.” The FI that I have chosen fits into this category! Does Cuomo not understand how CDPA works? Does he not care about disabled New Yorkers & the people that work for them? “If the federal government does not approve the new version of this law, there will be no CDPA at all. Even if the program gets through Washington, in an unprecedented move, the new law gives the Commissioner of Health absolute power in determining it's continued existence. The benefit could stop immediately at any time if they do not think the reimbursement they are getting is "adequate." Jesus Christ!

[These attacks on my community is so draining! original artwork showing a sad face] Alright, this is not over yet. We can take action (and please - in the name of decency and solidarity, take action) TAKE ACTION: “First - Call Governor Cuomo at 518-474-8390. Tell him "Consumer directed personal assistance lets me live my life, on my terms, in my community. Your changes would send me to a nursing home. End your attack on seniors and the disabled today! Stop attacking CDPA." (Or if you’re not disabled, tell him "Consumer directed personal assistance lets disabled people live their life, on their terms, in their community. Your changes would send them to a nursing home. End your attack on seniors and the disabled today! Stop attacking CDPA." etc. ) If you are unable to make a phone call, you can use Resist Bot. TXT the word RESIST to 50409 & follow directions. Resist Bot will send the message to your politician(s) of choice. “Second - [if you are able] Get ready for a trip to Albany! February 11 is our Legislative Day in Albany. Meet us at 10:00 in the Well of the Legislative Office Building. Apply for a scholarship and we may be able to help with some or all of your travel. “ Third - Contact your Representatives. YOU elected them. YOU need to make sure they are here to fight for you. They care about your stories and your experiences. That is in fact what will let us win.” So, there it is. Whether you are disabled or not, please take a moment to contact Cuomo and tell him Hands Off The CDPA! Because in these times, no oppressed group (such as the disability community) should be left behind.

#CDPA #cuomo #NYS #NYC #medicaid #PCAs #disability #disabled #disabled af #resist #disability rights #nursing homes #PCA #community living #activism #governor cuomo #andrew cuomo #help #take action

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sacrificialarrow · 5 years

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It’s not even Sunday and I’m revealing trade secrets up in here. ( Aka talkin’ about the nasties below the cut. )

kink meme

GENERAL

ROMANCE/AFFECTION: Mmm.... This one gets rather complicated thanks to Solas’ trust issues. Like in the past, I would’ve said it didn’t matter bc he’s more the type to have sex if and when he feels like it, and everything else tends to just be details for a later date. ( Read: lots of one night stands and the like. ) But now he can’t hardly bring himself to let people he doesn’t trust touch him, let alone get him vulnerable enough to orgasm, so. There’s almost always a correlation now. Besides which, it’s his opinion that it adds a great deal to the experience.

HANDJOB/FINGERING: As a method of teasing, sure, but on its own, not his thing. BLOWJOB: Giving one tends to be a rather enjoyable experience for Solas, getting to watch and feel and control his partner squirming -- and the more reactive his partner is the better. ( How they react isn’t necessarily important unless something about it rubs Solas wrong -- in which case you’re just fucking done, and you won’t see that tongue of his in that context again. No three strikes, you’re just out of luck, pal. ) Receiving.... Unless the person giving one gets something out of it, he can take or leave it. Like he doesn’t dislike it, particularly, but that doesn’t mean he particularly likes it either. DEEPTHROAT: Tbh... Kind of a specialty of Solas’, where his body doesn’t??? Quite always respond to things in the way a normal person’s might??? Like he doesn’t feel at all bothered by any amount of hot or cold, and he has no gag reflex. So as you can imagine, he can take it like a champ. SWALLOWING: Depends on the person and mood. EDGING: Sometimes, and sometimes only. It depends wholly on the mindset he goes into during sex; sometimes he remains a very calculating little shit hellbent on teasing his partner to almost no end, but others, he gets very primal and animalistic, so understandably, some of the finesse goes out the window in favour of raw passion. In the former, no one should be surprised to learn that he’s got no problem with dishing it out and receiving it, though in the latter, he has no patience for it. TEASING: HAH. Solas is absolutely terrible about teasing partners, and often does it intentionally at inopportune times and places. ( Barring the times that he’s focused on whatever’s happening, anyway, bc then it doesn’t come to mind to do it, and he’s p well immune to being teased. )

DOMINATION

DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE?: Listen, I once saw this thing that said “I only sub for love” and that right there is p well the sum of the answer. Solas is a switch to his core, but he actually has to give enough of a shit about someone before they’re allowed that much control over him. ( It’s a trust issue thing. But make no mistake, it’s also something of a right of passage with him too; prove that you’re worthy of it, and you’ve earned it nigh irrevocably -- fuck with him in ways he doesn’t like one too many times, though, and I can’t promise you won’t have to retake the test again :/ ) DOMESTIC SERVITUDE: Absolutely tf not. Solas is actually quite adventurous, in that he’ll try most anything once to feel out if the sensation of it’s something he likes ( that’s a whole other tangent for another day though ) UNLESS his immediately the first sentence. Which this is. To him it would feel far too weird and gross to find any enjoyment in, where his mind would automatically snap to the countless number of slaves he’s liberated and trained over the centuries, and it just.... Wouldn’t feel good. PETPLAY: This kind of goes with the above, but I think would fall under the ‘how dare you belittle me; I’ve worked harder than you’ll ever know to not be treated like a dog’ category. ( Mind, you can maybe pet him while he’s a wolf, but that’s more that he understands the impulse, and it feels nice anyway so it’s w/e. ) DISCIPLINE: Solas is definitely a fucking brat, so probably. But this feels like a grey area to me, so I can only imagine it’d depend on how it’s done. Giving... Ehh. Probably not his thing. BEGGING: He himself will not, but if someone else wants to, it’s their prerogative as long as it doesn’t get excessive. Though Solas tends to prefer partners as equally headstrong and proud as himself, so it’s actually something of a mild turn-off. Easily gotten over and or overlooked insomuch as it’s not over zealous, but turn-off all the same. FORCED ORGASM: I don’t know what this is, and I don’t wanna know. ORGASM DENIAL: Not really; he’s more of a let them come as they will sort.

RESTRICTIVE

GAG: Maybe. A very soft maybe. COLLAR: No. LEASH: Get that the fuck out. BONDAGE (LIGHT): Tricky at best, this one is. If he can get out if he wants / needs to with relative ease, very slight maybe. If it’s a partner pinning him down, probably yeah. But like the other has happened in one too many deeply unpleasant situations before to where it’s more likely than not to trigger him tf out. BONDAGE (HEAVY): Definitely not. The idea’s intriguing and tempting, don’t get me wrong, but it goes with the other, except that he’d panic each and every time it happened. Which is fun for no one, so absolutely no.

TOYS

DILDOS: I’m just going to preemptively say on all of these that I kind of think Solas in general prefers a lover to an inanimate object bc being able to sense the other person’s spirit is just. I can’t think of wording here, so it just feels nicer of a sensation than something that doesn’t really have a presence. The closest he likes is magic play bc even that is still unique to the partner in how they cast, and familiar enough in being from the Fade. Solas is v particular about his stimuli, you see. PLUGS: ^^ VIBRATORS: ^^ SOUNDING: ^^ COCK RING: ^^

GROUPS

ORGY?: He’s done them a time or two and doesn’t like them at all. It’s too much on his system. And yeah, it might actually be different now that he’s older and more used to taking in a lot of sensory information at once, but the bad taste in his mouth remains all the same. THREESOME?: It’s cute that anyone thinks Solas would share ever. VOYEURISM?: Are you kidding he barely even likes being kissed in public, it’s not anyone else’s business. As for doing it himself... He’s got better things to do. He’d get bored v quickly.

PAIN

LIGHT: Depends on the type. HEAVY: Don’t fucking do it. Solas isn’t into experiencing pain in the first place, and in the second, depending on what it is, you’re more likely to get an unsavoury response out of him ( as in him kicking your ass for it ) before you get anything even approaching pleasure. NIPPLE CLAMPS: Keep that shit far, far away. WAX: Doubtful. BITING: Highly encouraged CANING: No idea what this is, and I don’t care to find out. SPANKING: Soft maybe, but probably not. SCRATCHING: He’s not going to complain if you scratch him, and him scratching others is more of a natural response when things are hot and heavy. Ofc, he’ll work on it / redirect it if his partner’s not into it, but like??? It’s instinct, so you gotta let him know. HAIR PULLING: Don’t

Tagged by: @ofrhapsodes wants to know Solas’ secrets

Tagging: If you want to tag me I guess??

#come what may I shall see this through ( headcanon. )#/nsfw

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sinesalvatorem · 6 years

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Long Term Acid Plans

So it seems some people interpreted the blog posts I made while I was on acid - when I was trying to immediately get down some novel information while being bad at communication - more seriously than I intended. So I should specify what has happened so far and what I plan to do:

All doses I took until last week were below the threshold for actually psychadelic effects. I just took moderate doses where the main effect is stimulating learning and improving creative thinking.

(Dose zero was a test I did about two months ago of an extremely tiny amount so I could be sure I wouldn’t have an unusual adverse reaction to it. Even then I had benzos on hand to bring me down. It mostly just made me slightly loopy and made everything around me nicer.)

The first time I did a large enough dose to noticably impact thinking was the afternoon after my abuser had kind of pushed me to a ‘last straw’ sort of moment, but I didn’t have the confidence to actually upend my life to escape. Then I had a change of perspective, realised how stupid I’d been being for months, and entirely noped out of that bullshit. Since then I’ve been living somewhat precariously (until now, when I’m actually decently stable and safe), but I’m vastly happier, and I think that indicates that I made the right choice. Had I not made that choice, I wouldn’t have a life worth living today, and I have little confidence I’d have had one later either.

The second time I took acid I ended up having conversations with some friends and acquaintances that helped me realise the shape of the holes in my social presentation style. And, as such, why I was so bad at enforcing my boundaries (or having them in the first place). I also was able to make plans with some helpful people that will probably make it easier for me to unfuck my life in the long term.

The third time I took acid was in an actually controlled environment, at which point I took a full dose with psychadelic effects. This was the experience during which I tagged @aellagirl because I wanted to know more about fixing the effects in place. During this trip, I realised the extent to which being around other human beings causes their mental states to bleed into mine just in general, which allowed me to recognise the value of introvert time. I also learned to actually directly value maintaining my boundaries, which is admittedly not the stereotypical acid outcome, and expect to be a lot better at enforcing boundaries in the future.

I also ended up experiencing pain as pleasure, because I started interpreting all intense experience as euphoria. I was very good at sinking into specific experiences if I chose to, except that if my trip partner was in the room I would necessarily devote at least part of my mind to simulating theirs, which prevented total immersion (except that I could still do total-immersion in empathy). Furthermore, I saw entire worlds composed of beautiful shifting geometric patterns. I’m not under any illusions that this world exists, but it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and I’d love to make art of it at some point.

But taking a full dose led me to be more confident of some of the things I’d noticed at lower doses but assumed would stop being true of me at higher doses. For one thing, I was entirely lucid and had no trouble switching between short/medium/long term planning. I was directly enjoying and paying attention to each experience, but also curating the music for my trip partner and I and thinking of songs to switch to based on apparent fluctuations in my partner’s mood. Plus I never lost track of what my post-trip plans were.

The other thing was maintaining enough internal emotional control to make bad trips in general exceedingly unlikely. Generally, any time I might be tempted to feel anxious, I just notice that getting anxious would be dumb and... Don’t do that. This is also what I do when I’m sober, which is why I didn’t see a lot of risk to taking pre-psychadelic doses of acid. I’m just more confident that my sober mental skills transfer to (at least one tab of) acid than I was before. The only time I got anxious throughout the whole trip was when I purposefully induced anxiety so I could enjoy it masochistically, and it ended the moment it was no longer the thing I wanted to explore.

I also had no trouble managing the emotions of my trip partner throughout (which I later realised might be its own issue) and, when she went nonverbal near the end, I started liveblogging aloud her thoughts and emotional state since it felt unfair that she could no longer do this for herself. (I was mostly right throughout this, which I could confirm because she reinforcement-learning!trained me by nodding and shaking her head.)

Having now experienced acid three times, with the most recent one having major (and mostly positive) effects, I want to figure out how to fix some of these effects in place. And my first step is... Not taking acid. In fact, I plan to avoid intoxicants in general for about a month.

My goal is to see how much of the temporary mental shifts due to acid I can fix in place into my sober life using just mindset-regulation. As is evidenced from the “Just don’t get anxious” thing, I’m reasonably good at altering mental states with just conscious attention. I’ve currently been working to keep the masochism on fulltime, which seems to be partially working. I’m hoping other aspects of sensory perception while tripping are also things I can bake in long term.

I think I’m unusually well poised to do this because, well, my baseline is actually unusually acid-like. I have near-unlimited patience in a lot of situations, like waiting for the train, because I have little difficulty immersing myself in my current sensory environment and appreciating each tiny fluctuation. I have a generally rose-tinted perception of, well, everything, because I mentally filter my attention to focus on the good over the bad, and to feel the good components of any experience more strongly than the bad ones. By default, I have whatever the reverse of depression is. Plus I have enough conscious control over this that I can hear the same piece of music five different ways sequentially just by adjusting my filter of what components of the piece are most salient. (It’s really fun to point out different elements of a piece to someone in real time and have their face light up as they notice it and their experience shifts :D)

I’m already a universal love kind of person and find it easy to fall into other people’s experiences through empathy. Plus, given time to zone out and self-focus, I can drastically alter my mental state at will using meditation-adjacent things I developed for myself. Oh, and since I was 12 I’ve been able to move sensations of heat around through my body basically at will in ways that have led the more woo-y people around me to declare that I’m close to “Awakening” while I rolled my eyes.

It’s worth noting that, despite having always been a human composed entirely of ecstasy and acid, I’ve never really fallen into mysticism because of this. I’m just not easy to convince of wishy-washy stuff, even if the wishy-washy stuff attempts to flatter my biases. Especially if the wishy-washy stuff flatters my biases. Oh, so my weird successes with meditation prove that I’m more awakened than other people? What reason do I have outside of my ego to possibly believe that?

See also: Me not thinking my acid visions depict a real place, and the fact that at no point on my trip did I lose the feeling that there was an important sense in which my trip partner and I were distinct people. (She lost that sense, though. Admittedly, I sort of trolled her by mimicking her motions and body language at times to increase this effect, because I’m a terrible person.)

However, at the same time, I’m certainly not convinced enough of my own uniqueness not to think I could possibly experience ego death, loss of lucidity, and a sudden devotion to glowing racoons. But, well, those aren’t things I particularly want? I mean, maybe very temporary ego death, but temporary is the key. I want to use acid to steal techniques for improving my existence, but I don’t want to experience values drift on what my goals are or even whether to have goals.

This is part of why I’m trying to see how much progress I can make during a period of sobriety (which I’m having while in a much more comfortable/stable environment), and why I want to know what the effects of acid-drift are from @aellagirl in as much detail as possible. (Do you have notes or blog posts you were writing during the process, so I can do timeline analysis?)

#tragic backstory #life goals #we are a crowdsourced search engine #drugs cw

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