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itafushin · 2 years

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Why I think Macaque is extremely BPD coded

Note: This is a breakdown of why I believe Macaque has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and how that shows in his actions and affects how he treats others. I will try my best to properly explain each symptom and how the show writes it into Macaque’s character as a whole. (This will be set up by symptoms and won’t reflect all episodes Macaque appears in, only putting emphasis on season 1 episode 9 and season 2 episode 7 in particular.)

Note: I am a Borderline and this will have some personal experiences reflected in how I deal with my disorder so. With that, let’s begin !!

Favorite Person

This isn’t necessarily a symptom as not every borderline has an fp but it is noted to be an important enough occurrence for it to be a staple of being borderline.

A favorite person is someone incredibly important in a borderline’s life that becomes their constant source of happiness and validation. It’s someone who the borderline goes to for the majority of their attention and heavily relies on that other person to the point where it damages their relationship.

Now you’re probably wondering, ‘What does this have to do with Macaque?’, well I am a firm believer that Wukong was (and still is) Macaque’s favorite person. He is very clearly co-dependent on Wukong and probably has been for centuries. He actively seeks out some sort of response from Wukong as a way to gain his attention. Going as far as messing with the next closest person to the ginger, his successor.

Macaque torments and mocks Wukong constantly because he thrives on negative attention. He may not fully register that it’s negative because it’s attention nonetheless, and it wouldn’t matter if it was positive or not because it has the same effect. With this in mind, you could see him changing the logo on Mk’s jacket as a statement meant to mock Wukong. (Because we know and have seen Macaque be a lot more sneaky with his attacks, he could have easily hidden it but he chose to keep it in the open and the logo even laughs at Wukong.)

He sees Wukong as a hero, someone who is loved widely by others, and this comparison goes hand in hand with Macaque calling him the sun. Something bright that shines upon everything and everyone around them. Mac says these things very bitterly though, despite showing us that he once saw the two as equals.

Because of this, it might be a bit debatable whether Macaque truly hates Wukong or not. Borderlines suffer from extreme emotional dysregulation and tend to amplify their emotions (will elaborate on this further down) so Macaque’s hatred could stem entirely from this dysregulation. But he uses these comparisons as a way to express his emotions without downright saying them, considering it’s safe to assume he sucks at putting his emotions into words. It makes him angry when Wukong doesn’t go all out when they fight, mocking him and lashing out in his anger. To the point where it becomes obsessive, and it’s causing him to spiral into these feelings of anger constantly. (Especially since he’s quick to resolve every problem with a fight)

“C’mon! Show me the real Sun Wukong! The old you would have leveled this whole mountain range to stop me, but now you’re afraid of hurting some kid? Pathetic!”

With the heavy reliance borderlines have on their fps, strong instances of jealousy are bound to sprout up and Macaque is a prime example of how that jealousy can affect someone’s actions towards those around them. When he’s introduced, he’s given this light carefree attitude seemingly to make him feel more approachable, at least from Mk’s perspective. When Mk asks him to teach that move he had done to hit the smoke monster, Macaque is quick to say a very backhanded thing that is very obviously meant to be a jab at Mk’s confidence. Both in himself and in Wukong’s teaching. (This could stem from Macaque’s jealousy of Mk, that this kid is who Wukong cares for so deeply and is able to stay on his good side. Unlike Macaque.)

“[...]...I’m sure Monkey king would agree. It’s not like he would want to hold you back.”

This jealousy leads to him projecting his insecurities onto Mk and causes him to have this warped impression of the kid before even meeting him. Macaque constantly mentions how alike Mk is to Wukong, in ways that only Macaque seems to notice. They’re all negative traits that Macaque amplifies or may have completely fabricated, calling him selfish and implying that Mk is going to eventually forget about his friends simply because he’s a hero, just as Wukong did. (It could also be part of the reason why Macaque’s steady target has been Mk). He even goes as far as to try and tell Mk he missed the point of his shadow play, causing Mk genuine confusion because he doesn’t believe he’s anything like how Macaque portrays Wukong. “Other people are going to tell you to be patient, they are slowing you down.”

Now, this can be reaching or something entirely different but you could see Macaque’s bitterness towards Wukong and his insistence that he’s a bad teacher slightly stemming from jealousy as well. We know Wukong isn’t actually a bad teacher, or at least not as bad as Macaque seems to emphasize, but he’s been so bitter that he’s convinced himself that Wukong is much worse than he actually is. And because of this, he tries pushing this mindset onto Mk so he doubts Wukong and leaves him, much like Wukong did to Macaque.

The most obvious thing that actually stood out to me first and was the reason I thought Mac had BPD in the first place was how incredibly personally he took the falling out. He reacted so violently to it that it’s permanently stuck on his mind at all times. The emotions from that moment are so amplified that Macaque is unable to move on, latching onto the events like a lifeline because it’s all he knows. He had dedicated the majority of his new life to getting revenge on Wukong for this falling out because he blames all of it entirely on the latter. There’s a headcanon that LBD may have altered his memories of that event to make him further hate Wukong but I don’t entirely believe that’s true. It’s possible LBD probably did have a little tweaking in his memories but I don’t think she altered anything related to Macaque’s feelings about Wukong because he already did that himself. Macaque sees that day as the day Wukong left him, abandoned him for a surge of power, and planted the idea in his own head that Wukong was being selfish. That Wukong must have left because Mac wasn’t useful anymore and therefore he must not have cared all that much, which makes Macaque an unreliable narrator and he’s shown to be manipulative and choosy with how he phrases things. He sees Wukong as a backstabber who was quick to leave as soon as he became that hero that Macaque equates to being close to Heaven. (see pedestal screenshot)

Macaque let himself become so overwhelmed by that abandonment that he firmly believes Wukong didn’t and probably never cared about him to the same degree that Macaque cared. (Even though it is implied that Wukong did care, the two being inseparable and doing everything together. The two even were equals at some point.) And as much as Macaque makes himself want to hate Wukong, he can’t truly do it because he’s still codependent on the other. He still seeks out Wukong’s attention and still aims to mock him, continuously bringing him up when he speaks with the other members of Mk’s group. He sees himself as someone who was ‘too close’ to Wukong and suffered the consequences of that, despite many of the consequences being forced on him by himself. (All this could be why he is so adamant about telling everyone how much he thinks Wukong sucks. He firmly believes Wukong was entirely in the wrong and he had nothing to do with it and jumps at the opportunity to play the victim card. Even if it means leaving out details that might paint it the other way.)

“What would you like to hear? The hero suddenly remembered his beloved friend the warrior? That they lived happily ever after?”

It's obvious that Macaque still cares so deeply for Wukong to the point where it could even be implied that he wants a happy ending. He wishes for that happy ending, to be able to say Wukong did remember him and did come back. Him constantly talking about this falling out and painting himself as the victim could be his way of saying he wishes it ended differently, could be his way of trying to raise a jumpstart in Wukong. It could be a way for him to try and see if maybe something else will come out of this, that doing the same thing over and over might cause a change of outcome. (Obviously, it doesn’t work because nobody knows what he’s thinking, ever.)

Intense fear of abandonment

This symptom is one that I think Macaque struggles with the most. He does not handle rejection that well and will do anything to avoid it, much like how he’ll do anything to avoid abandonment. He saw Wukong reject him and leave him and decided that he’ll never leave Wukong alone, that he will continue to show up because he will always be Wukong’s shadow. He saw Wukong leaving continuously as an attack on him as a person, immediately internalizing it and believing he was the problem. He makes sure to keep Wukong as close as an arm’s distance so that if Wukong does choose to leave again, Macaque won’t be as hurt by it as he was the first time. It causes him to dwell on the past, not being able to stop. He keeps reliving what happened because he truly believes he needs to accomplish some sort of justice against Wukong for what happened.

Alternatively, Macaque also will do anything to prevent new people from getting too close. When he notices that Mk is starting to grow on him, he starts to withdraw, amplifying his attempts at showing the kid he isn’t worth it. He becomes more and more aggressive throughout season 3, partly because of his rush to get out of lbd’s control but also because he’s slowly beginning to warm up to Mk’s group. (With the way his first initial idea was to try and convince Mk to come with him willingly and when he had done the same thing with Tang.)

He schemes and manipulates the people around him because its in his nature but also to keep their predetermined impression of him stay bad. Macaque hates relying on people, much rather staying and working alone than with others because of the disappointment it usually leads to. He doesn’t know how to properly open up anymore for fear of that other person leaving too.

Unstable relationships

As I’ve mentioned before Macaque’s relationship with Wukong was incredibly unstable. He valued Wukong much more than he valued himself, put Wukong on a pedestal, and idolized him, making him unreachable. But this could also be applied to Macaque’s relationship with Mk.

Macaque trains Mk, genuinely it seems and uses that opportunity to plant things into the kid’s head. Everything goes well before Macaque ultimately betrays him to go against Wukong, that being his ulterior motive the entire time. He continuously goes after Mk, causing the kid distress one after the other all in an attempt to get back at Wukong. Despite this all, Mk’s still willing to give him another chance in season 3 and Macaque doesn’t know how to handle that. (It is shown, or implied at least in season 3, that Macaque ends up showing legitimate care for Mk. He acknowledges that Mk is a good kid on two separate occasions, telling him that he’s happy there’s still “room for potential”.) He just prefers to keep Mk at a distance, despite the fact he seems to wear the title of Mk’s other mentor with pride.

Changes in self-identity and image

“A very, very powerful demon…”

“Since then you’ve had me teaching you! You’re stronger now!”

We all know this man has a ton of confidence, enough that he actively strokes his own ego every time he opens his mouth. His debut shows us how he sees himself as this strong ancient demon (even if he was referring to himself in the third person.) and he sees Mk as ‘stronger’ because he had Macaque teaching him.

Though in the same vein, he also understands that he isn’t as strong as he likes to brag he is. He still needed Wukong’s power to amplify himself before fighting him, again, (and even lbd acknowledges he needed aid and gives him some of her power after so many failed attempts). Macaque is power hungry and thrives on the taste of being powerful, on the thrill that comes from it, but his body can’t handle that power nor does he actually know how to use any of it. It’s part of why he relies more on his shadows and their sneakiness than he does entirely on his power. He’s an illusionist through and through and nothing more, but he keeps pushing himself for more power because he thinks he can handle it. He genuinely believes he can come out of these fights unscathed and winning and that could be the reason why he continues to go after Wukong.

“As the hero’s light grew, so too did his shadow. And soon the warrior was cast in that shadow. In the darkness, the warrior was forgotten by the hero.”

This comparison he has of himself as the moon shows just how alone he truly sees himself. The moon is something that is depicted as being reliant on the sun to shine despite it being alone and far from the sun’s reach. There’s solace in the way the moon rotates around the earth and stays in its own orbit, keeping itself confined to its single path. Sometimes the moon seeks out the sun’s warmth and they do finally come together, they make an eclipse. But the moon is always the one reaching after the sun and Macaque sees himself as constantly in Wukong’s shadow. He sees himself as someone who reached for Wukong and failed, being left behind in the other’s shadow where he truly belongs. He sees Wukong leaving as him losing his purpose, that he couldn’t keep up anymore and now wasn’t someone Wukong could see as an equal.

Macaque sees himself as a warrior, someone who’s a soldier fighting for themself and their own beliefs. He doesn’t think he’s ever capable of being a hero, or ever changing for the better because he pushed himself into this villain role. He’s accepted that he will always be someone’s villain and so he has never actively tried to change (at least not until Mk pushes him to). Even though he actively acknowledges he has things he should talk about, blatantly telling Mk to his face that if he ever did try talking things out they would be there all day. It’s this black and white thinking that keeps him from being better, that keeps him in this endless cycle of manipulation and gaslighting and hurting that he doesn’t ever try to break because he doesn’t see there being a point. He’d rather do anything and everything to get what he wants because just the thought of him doing something right or something different like working with people and helping them makes him scoff.

With how Macaque carries himself and how he seemingly just throws his life around, lbd’s revival of him probably left him with this constant detachment from reality. He constantly feels empty and incorporeal (which could also be from the fact he is. shadows.) He’s scared of death, the idea of merely going back to being non-existent and in chains causes him such full-body stress especially if it’s brought on forcefully by someone’s hands. He’s paranoid, constantly on edge (specifically throughout season 3) because Lbd has his life dangling in front of him and he’s desperate to take it back. Her whispers and chains poke and prob him, keeping him on high alert so much that it becomes a driving force for him to impulsively choose to stop following her orders. Anything to get rid of her.

Inappropriate intense anger

He is repeatedly shown to lose his temper, lashing out at pretty much everyone no matter what they do. He weaponizes Mk’s insecurities against him in anger, threatens his friends to get them to do what he wants, and pushes people into a corner. He’s quick to anger and irritate, especially if he feels he’s starting to lose control over a situation. (Because he is very much a control freak, constantly needing to keep things around him in his control so he can manipulate tier outcomes how he likes.)

All of his anger seems to be misplaced as well. He was so quick to throw all the blame for the falling out on Wukong but never took the time to think about how he could have been wrong too, considering relationships are two-sided. He let this anger fester and alter his once positive view of Wukong and now he just can’t fix it. Macaque’s angrier at the way Wukong left him, feeling more betrayed about that than at the fact that Wukong killed him.

His anger towards Mk is shrouded in insecurities and doubts about himself and Wukong and he feels wronged somehow seeing how much Wukong cares for Mk. Macaque actively tries forcing his mindset onto Mk, trying to worm his way into making the kid see Wukong differently by using his insecurities and doubts against him. He compares Mk to this fabricated impression he has of Wukong and tries to mold Mk into someone he knows Wukong wouldn’t want.

Macaque’s flashback that he gets briefly as Mk lunges toward him shows just how much he hangs onto the past. How much he hangs onto the emotions from that event and how he projects it onto Mk, seeing Wukong in Mk’s place briefly. It’s that same amplified POV that we hear Macaque talk about and Shadow Play shows just how much it shrouds his impression of Mk. Because truthfully, he doesn’t know much about the kid other than the insecurities Mk rambled out to him and that he’s Wukong’s successor. Macaque filled in the remaining gaps with things he took from his initial impression of Wukong and just assumed the two were the same with how close they are. He has no idea where to put all these emotions so he dumps them onto the laps of others to deal with, or to become the targets of.

Final thoughts

Overall, I think Macaque is the biggest bpd-coded character in all of lmk, it’s just right there. In all our faces. He’s an incredibly emotion-driven person, doing things based on how they make him feel rather than if it’s logical. He’s so shrouded in black and white thinking and in his splitting of Wukong that it keeps just a tight grip on his life and he really does need to go to therapy. He needs to learn to move on and actively be better because if this cycle isn’t broken soon he’ll just continue to hurt not only himself but the people around him. Whether he wants to or not.

I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE I tried really hard to articulate my thoughts and such but I might have repeated some things here and there. I also am a firm believer that Shadow Play is actively just one big bpd episode. Like I wholeheartedly believe that whole episode was Macaque having an episode and in the midst of it, he decides to mess with Mk, only to stop halfway through because he snaps out of it and realizes that Mk is being hard on himself enough. He willingly brings back up bad memories through a retelling just to achieve some sort of I told you so moment with Mk only for it to backfire on him and just make him feel worse. (while also attracting the attention of lbd)

I think it’s such an important episode to Macaque’s character and what comes of him, especially since it opens the gates to why he decides to do the things he does in season 3. It has so many details in it that show just how unreliable Macaque can be as a narrator, especially when he’s having moments like that. It shows how he’s the selfish one, not Wukong, and how he let something like this mold him into something so unrecognizable from his past self. All because he was filled with rage and betrayal. It’s easier to fight and hate each other than it is for Macaque to apologize for whatever he may have done and amend. It’s easier being the villain to everyone and being hated rather than owning up to your mistakes and trying to be better. He finds comfort in his black and white thinking, finds comfort in how the others hate him, and actively avoids fighting him.

ALSO THIS.

THE PARALLELS !!! It’s a moment where things finally actively dawn on Wukong and he’s suddenly in Macaque’s place, their roles reversed. Macaque being the one who has the upper hand, finding that “power beyond comprehension” and leaving Wukong behind. In reference to their relationship, it could be seen as the moment Macaque finally gets Wukong to understand how he felt when the latter left, how he felt being left behind. He finally makes Wukong feel how he felt, that same desperation at watching the other’s back being turned. But Macaque’s is tainted, being forced onto him, and is actively eating away at his body. It’s reflectively of how Macaque remembers it but it isn’t the exact same.

#🏮#lmk macaque #lego monkie kid #lmk wukong #lmk season 3 spoilers #kinda idk if it counts as spoilers per say ???#lego monkie kid mk #lego monkie kid sun wukong #character analysis #ive been holding this in for months at this point its crazy #ill cry if none of this makes sense deadass #but i wholeheartedly believe macaque has bpd and is very actively not doing anything but spiraling #like hes so manipulative and shrouded by his own emotions that everyone else has to deal with the things /he/ makes himself feel #everything provokes him and irritates him but he doesnt ever try anything productive to fix it other than fight because thats all he knows #it makes me a little upset how much the fandom woobifies him because hes so complex and noone seems to understand that hes not. an angel #hes just as in the wrong as wukong is. if not MORE in the wrong because of all the shit he did mk #i can go on and on about this istg #i also didnt include much from season 3 because it touches more on macaque's dynamic with lbd and i feel like thats a whole different topic #for another time #i hope yall have fun with this #i love shadow play and macaque's debut so much for these exact reasons #they are the reasons i am a borderline macaque truther #also because im a fictive but #and macaque is a little TOO much like me #but yeah #TAKE THIS OUT OF MY HANDS #six eared macaque #lego monkie kid macaque #long post #bpd

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persephoneflouwers · 6 months

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#@ Louis’ avanger anon #honey I wrote something so articulated for you #I won’t ever post it because I think it’s too much to handle #for a person that come in my inbox and talk like you did #I was asking you questions and maieutically try to prove my point #but I think I’ll let it sit in my drafts #and re read it anytime I feel like the bullshit that happened yesterday is cooling down #one thing I’m surprised is that you came to MY blog #looking for an harry’s apologetical blog… and like bestie Idk what to tell #but you’re in the wrong place ☹️#also aren’t you tired to repeat this chant anytime people call idiots with their rightful name? It’s lame at this point #there’s a funny situation for blogs like mine #because I’m louie to harrie larries and im a harrie to louie larries #but im a larrie to the antis! and I don’t get excited with things that most fandom enjoy #and i have many unpopular opinions and noone that supports me when I say controversial things #you know I just get much hate for calling bullshit out when two millionaires that literally make millions to pretend to be who they’re not #(im not talking about their sexuality. it’s more their image tm as a whole)#and I get hate and lose followers for voicing my opinion #so yeah I could do what you say actually #it’s just that I really despise stupidity #and I get very vocal when it shows #moreover when it comes from people I was very closed to idolise.#*close #let me just write my fics in peace now #casella di posta numero 32

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freshlybakedspiderbread · 2 years

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I really like hifuu doujin music, rd-sounds edition

following up on these two posts, I feel compelled to talk about a bunch of hifuu arranges (again specifying renmerry! sorry Sumireko!), specifically those arranged by RD-Sounds of circle 凋叶棕 (diao ye zong).

just gonna put this here in case I forget, you can stream 凋叶棕’s ‘main’ albums on spotify here!

Thing is though, they’ve arranged a Lot of hifuu-themed tracks, not just in dyz albums, but in all sorts of collab works with other circles too! I’m sure there’s lots of tracks, both hifuu and in general, that I’ve never heard of! And even among all the ones I have heard, I don’t really have the same amount of strong feelings for all of them. So for this post, I’ll only be going over the songs that really left a strong impact on me, and ones I would describe as being formulative for my hifuu experience! So there’s going to be a bunch I leave out, like say for example... true outsiders from 喩 (tatoe). It’s a song I like a lot, and its hifuu! But it doesn’t take up housing in my brain like the ones I really want to mention. But that’s fine! There’s still going to be plenty I gush about anyhow.

And like, might as well start with the original, classic, dyz hifuu album. 廻 (meguri/)... Just the album cover is making me nostalgic and emotional, because it instantly makes me hear the first track.

That first track is A Secret Adventure , and i know I say this a lot, but its definitely a classic! Firstly, remembering that this album is like, twelve years old is making me want to turn to dust 😩 , not that I first heard it literally that long ago, but oh my god to think dyz is still going strong to this day. As for the song itself, it has all those classic hifuu beats, being an energetic duet of vocaists singing about seeking out the mysteries of the world and anything is possible as long as the two of them are together! There’s probably a hundred of this exact kind of song out there about merry and renko, and I hope there will be another thousand more!!!

But I think such a ‘straightforward’ song is really there just to establish the premise of the album. As you go on and listen to a bunch more songs about various other touhous that fit the theme of the album. And near the end, you get to what I’m certain is an absolutely iconic piece for hifuu culture (that makes it sound like a cult...).

絶対的一方通行 (Absolute One-Way Street) . While I’m sure Merry=Yukari stories/theories/ideas had been floating around plenty beofre this album, my gut tells me that it is this song in particular that was the origin point of a lot of people really seeing the appeal and made to cry about a doomed renmerry for the rest of their life. It’s a great song with the lyrics about ‘someone’ accounting their terrible fate having fallen into the darkness and warning against ‘someone’ not to follow after...

I like it alright. 🙂 And the merry = yukari beat is something I think is neat, but not something I’m like, super invested in when I think about either characters. (Also I like the remake from a future album, 絶対的一方通行～ Unreachable Message more than the original!) Truthfully, I consider this more of a Yukari song than I do a hifuu or even a Merry song, and the real reason why I bring up this song is because it is necessary context for the experience of the album! You get to this song and its pretty dread and despair and tragedy all around, and that feeling carries over with you into the final song of the album, and definitely a song that makes me cry about renmerry forever.

ヒメゴトクラブ (Himegoto Club) .....oh my goooood, this song. There’s no other touhou arrange I can think of that can be so purely described as a love song.

All the despair and uncertainy of the world around them, of the fears that everything won’t last, the mysteries surrounding them, the stars and the boundaries that they see with their strange eyes. This song is about how none of that matters right now. The only thing that matters and the only thing they think about is that they’re together, each other’s warmth. 😭 The associated booklet image has Merry and Renko in a dark room, sharing an intimate moment, tossing aside all other things in the universe (and their hats, same thing). It’s really really really really good and the perfect closing note for the album. it doesn’t get better (ie gayer) than this...

(actually just wanted to say that my favourite song from this album is カレイドスコープ (Kaleidoscope), but that’s a reimu song and this post is about hifuu!)

That’s it for Meguri, so going to just segue into a different dyz album, this one just because of one specific song in it.

hey did you know that 騙 (katari) on rd-sounds website has two pages for it? One true and one ‘fake’ which is filled with false song titles? I love gimmicks.. Anyhow, the theme of the album is deception and its got a lot of really cool tracks, but I was really surprised that one of the songs is explicitly a sequel to Himegoto Club, its booklet image borrowing from the one from meguri, and the song itself opening with the exact same notes!!

rebellion -たいせつなもののために- I really love this one... Also i think it might be the only song I’m gonna mention on this post that doesn’t have Merami for vocals?! 3L is here singing this super cool and dramatic song about Renko in despair over having forgotten something, someone important, and forcing herself to remember before dedicating herself to finding that someone again... The whole song is super cool but its of course that final line that’s shouting after Merry’s name that never fails to destroy me 🤩🤯😭 It’s also easily my fav song of the whole album. Now to move on to something that’s arguably most special to me...

辿／誘 (Tadori/Izanai) This... is actually the first dyz album I ever listened to. I believe its with this album i first discovered the circle, or at least its definitely the earliest I remember where I really took note of the credits. With that said, I’ve actually revisited the music on this album very rarely compared to other dyz tracks, part of that is because most of the tracks in this album(s?) are don’t exactly make for easy listening the way a fun pop track would, one part is that listening to it alongside looking at the booklet images and the lyrics feels especially important for the experience, because i think no other dyz track goes as all in with rd-sounds ‘double-meaning’ tricks as the two main songs of this album. And another part is that... well, its special to me, and I guess I feel like like I can’t just pop it in for any old occasion...

The beautiful world is the reason this album is in this post though. The basic gist of this song is that its about Merry becoming Yukari, but its even more dramatic and heavy than Absolute One-Way Street. The lyrics go on about how becoming something else and leaving everything behind is terrifying and scary, but by the end, those things are happily(?) given up in order to embrace the new world they’re a part of... I said i’m not super invested in this story beat, but this song along makes me glad it exists... When this song puts you into an existential high, you gotta wind down with its associated instrumental track, 何もかもが、幻想 ...

(While I’m here, my actual fav song from this album is the other ‘main’ one, Calling. I’d dare say its in fact my favourite rd-sounds song ever, but its not really related to hifuu so i’m just mentioning it here for fun n_n)

...So that’s actually mostly it for the dyz albums, and now i’m just gonna hard divert into a bunch of other things. rd-sounds has done collabs with many circles and to provide music for specific projects. This is where this post is going to sound even more aimless and rambly before, because um... most of the works i’m about to talk about are things I’ve not ever actually properly experienced obviously due to lack of either availability and/or any translation or even basic summaries/resources I could find. I really can only guess and estimate the context to all of these and their associated songs, haha.... n_n;;; u_u I do still want to talk about these next few ones because against all odds, they do all stick in my mind to this day and were very formative in a sense for me! Will I ever actually properly consume any of these one day? ...Probably not, but that’s the beauty of art, right? To be able to get something out of something even while barely understanding it?!! That’s what i’ll choose to believe..

First on the agenda is 現夢 -genmu- by TUMENECO! First of, its over a decade old 👵. Secondly, its an album that goes hand in hand with an illustrated novel written by 四面楚歌 (Surrounded By Enemies) ((oh fair warning, i like a bunch of their work, but warning if you’re even just heading to their website. some of the stuff and its covers thats just out there in the open is NSFW)).

I’ve actually read a translated version of that novel, so for once I actualy get the context of it! The songs are all based on events or themes from the novel, and are separated into two discs, one for vocal songs and the other for instrumentals. Of course the first song in the album is led by TUMENECO themselves and with a true yukina and Mie classic. But wouldn’t you know it, the very last song on both discs to close off the album as a whole go to RD-Sounds and Meramipop, woohoo!

うつつのゆめ (Dream of Reality) It’s basically the ending song of the album and the novel! And arranges of Innocent Treasures just feel inherently special to me. After everything else in the story and album is said and done, it all ends with a wistful, yet upbeat song about celebrating your dreams while they last. The story itself ended on a bittersweet note of having to ‘wake up’ from the dream that is Gensokyo, but then further ending with the hope that dreams never have to ‘truly’ end, and this song captures that really well... And i’m like a giant sucker for the very final lyric, which is the very last line of dialogue you see in the story as well n_n!!!

That’s the one among these I have the most context for, and now for the one I easily have the least.

喜劇機械、もしくはジェーン・ドゥ達によるパラード , or Comedy Mechanism: Parade of Jane Does, is a novel written by ゐた・せくすありす (Vita Sexualic). There are seveal novels written by them, many hifuu-themed ones too. The general opinions of them I’ve seen is that most of them delve into very dark and grim themes and imagery even if they’re not listed as Adult (and the ones that do have that listing are like wow not enough content warnings in the world) and that’s on top of also being quite a bit abstract and surreal in its presentation.

Honestly if I was going to talk about any of Vita Sexualic’s works, it really ought to have been ジムノペディが終わらない / The Gymnopédies Never End, because that one actually has a readily available english translation on the web, and its associated song is actually on a regular dyz album!

But no, instead I’m bringing up Jane Does, which is apparently way longer and somehow even more esoteric than that. I actually bought the digital version of this novel on the artists BOOTH page quite a long time ago too because I was so intrigued by it!

I don’t know what this story is about. Like, at all. If its anything like the author’s few works I’ve dabbled with, its probably a bit hard to grasp even in the original language, and contains too many instances of gruesomeness. ...But, no matter how much I disagree with those aspects, there’s still always been value somewhere that I took away from it.

Not that I know what that value in Parade of Jane Does would be, exactly, because even now, I’ve gained almost zero solid knowledge about this story! I could guess what its about, but I don’t want to because I’d be embarrassed at the real possibility of being 100% off the mark. So like, why am I even bringing this up at all?!

well, scanning through the novel, there is a section where the words take a pause and you’re assaulted with a whole bunch of surreal images, which I intepret as the reality around the characters falling apart. One of those images is a QR code that leads to a song, the whole reason I brought this story up in the first place!

セルフ・トーキング或いは魔女というガラクタによる魂の在り処への言及のバラード (Self Talking: Or a Ballad Alluding to the Whereabouts of the Souls Of Garbage Otherwise Known as Witches)

I actually think the coolest way to experience the song if you’re not going to ever experience the novel (and you’re probably not...) is through this video on youtube, which is a really well editted thing that adds subtitles and also splices in illustrations from the novel itself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vSgnYR57BM

I’m like, not gonna even try to talk about what I think the song is about or how it relates to the story, even if I have plenty of thoughts in that department. But the biggest reason as to why I mention it on this post onw is because discovering this song and the associated story and even just glimpsing it in this way, from a distance where I barely understood it and yet found myself moved and even frightened by how it sounds and how it presents itself... Well, it played a big part in making me realise just how much I value creativity in presentation, and just how cool and how much fun it is to really play around with ways that you can make a person listen to a song or read a story. It’s sort of a similar reason why I like the dyz albums that really play around with ARG-type gimmicks.

From now until forever, I’ll always think about how the song ends, with the same line from Merami just going on and on, looping and repeating and layering over itself with no end as everything fades to quiet. Even just that little touch left a big impact on a younger (and current) me...

Anyway time to move on to something more fun! A video game! Except its got a lot of death in it. Whoops.

秘封祭 (Hifusai), or Hifuu Festival -Merry Bad End-, is a visual novel by 四面楚歌 / Surrounded By Enemies.

The hook of this game is that Renko and Merry are going about their day like any other, and depending on the choices you make, they may meet different kinds of outcomes. There are 60 stated different endings, a couple of which end really badly for one or both of them. As you progress, the whole premise of the game takes on a meta feel, as questions rise about how ‘real’ each of those bad ends were, whether the next Renko and Merry deserve to find a happy ending after all the ‘others’ died, etc etc.

Or at least that’s what I assume is the gist of it since I kinda skimmed through a playthrough on youtube n_n;;; I doubt I’ll ever be able to fully experience or even understand all the themes and nuances myself, but I’m very intrigued by the premise, format and presentation as usual. As for how it relates to RD-Sounds, they arranged for the OP and ED of the game, with vocals by Meramipop as expected! And it’s specifically the ED, the credits song, that I wanted to talk about.

イニシエイション (Initiation) I might not have actually played through the whole game first-hand, but I still felt something special as this song played to mark the end of the very long journey full of winding paths... It’s a song that’s both dark yet triumphant, as the lyrics talk about overcoming all the other versions of themselves that met a bad end, and how they’ll resolve to crush them all, stamping over them in order to get to that good ending with the person they love... It’s pretty perfect for the vn and also for a cool, dark yet still managing to be hopeful renmerry n_n

And we’re not even done with Surrounded By Enemies yet!

祝現 (Celebration) is a CD consisting of two songs arranged by RD-Sounds. It was released alongside a big collab project called HIHUU WEDDING -Welcome to Ghostly Chapel- , featuring a wide range of art and photos themed after Merry and Renko having a wedding getting married. Yeah!! That’s what I’m all for!!! Please do more of this thing instead of uncomfortable stories about Sumireko But i’m here to talk about the songs.

ずっと近くの明日 (Tomorrow, Forever Close) Its Renko and Merry’s wedding wovs, the song! Yeah!! Lyrics about exchanging promises to be together forever, about how it all feels like a wonderful dream, and how they’ll walk hand-in-hand towards the future no matter what it holds for them! It’s a perfect theme song for the entire HIHUU WEDDING project as a whole. I love it a lot for how completely fluffy and happy it is.

But I also love it because its necessary to come before the second song on the disc, which wouldn’t be as good on its own without this song to provide context and then contast.

すぐ傍にある未来 (The Future So Near To Us) .....

....This is the only song that could challenge GITR’s Forgotten Paradise for title of my favourite hifuu arrange ever. In concept, it’s pretty similar to Himegoto Club, how absolutely nothing else in the world matters except for the bond Merry and Renko share in the present.

But compared to Himegoto Club which was all about love in the face of uncertainty, I feel like すぐ傍にある未来 is about love in the face of inevitability. The world, dreams, and anything else they may have loved or had hopes for is inevitably going to disappear if it hasn’t already, and even the idea that their current happiness can last forever is just a dream that won’t come true.

And yet they are exchanging vows and promises to stay together forever anyway, and are happy to do so... Aaaaaargh!!!! 😭🤪🤯🙃😻

(^ getting a lot of mileage out of this one lately)

I think that about covers all the rd-sounds hifuu songs that have and continue to really and truly drive me insane for one reason or another...

Now I know there’s dyz’s C99 album △ (Tetra) with is awesome and great and I love it and also talked about briefly here in this post, but I think I decided halfway through making this post here that I only wanted to cover older songs that were ‘formative’ in a sense to my hifuu-listening experience over the years, so Tetra’s too recent to qualify. Though, obviously, I super recommend it and I feel like it’s inevitable that I’ll gush more about it and who knows what else in the future too n_n

#for some reason i thought making this post would take me like. an hour #but ive been at this since noon and now its nearly midnight.#oh wait its because i kept listening to the actual songs i was writing about in-between. whoops..#feel free to tell me about whatever touhou music you like too if you ever want to... our dreams are all connected or something like that!#touhou #hifuu #doujin #spider bread crumbs #dyz #music

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adisappeareance · 1 year

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nobody told me this but been going through so much lately that I realized that having the mindset of that you´re going to die young, so very soon and that you have very little time left probably put me in a permanent state of like. mourning? and that left me with...big troubles

#noone to talk about it beause also noone gets it #its not even suic1dal ideation. just feeling that you have no time left. but been feeling like this since i was very little #so its probably one of the big causes for all my present day problems #its also hard to confront the fact that while i dont want to keep this mindset #living any other way feels so unnatural #i have no sense of future planning or projection. i cant see anything happening to me ever #i dont care much? i dont have a big reason to live or even a small one i just :| my way thru life #ngl even if i find something that makes me feel some kinda way at the end of the day it feels pointless in the negative way #im curious about what kinda future i could have though ngl. with the choices i make every day i cant rly imagine it so whatever #personal

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forgotten-daydreamer · 2 years

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knowing im going to die very young somehow doesnt make the psychological violence any easier to bear

#like ik i wont have to carry this for a long time but at the same time i know that id live longer if noone had abused me psychologically #some of us dont heal and it's ok. im not even like pre-mourning or anything. nobody is #some of cant heal even if they try. some dont try. it's all ok #i feel like this is probably my last autumn ever and i realise that if i were in a better headspace id do so many things #but i've chosen not to carry on with this life and the girl who was recently euthanized since she wanted to inspired me #obv i dont have money so im going to probably just do the good old jump and drown #it doesnt even scare me. i dont even care. if it did i wouldve picked a different option lol #but it's been months since i've decided that these are going to be my last 12 months. 10 now actually #i thought it was going yo get easier but its not. im just waiting #if i had a terminal disease it'd all be easier bc at least it's visible #but my disease is indeed going to terminate me and that disease is called depression #somehow it doesnt make it any easier. it's just another day of the 300-something days i have left when someone abuses me psychologically #like it's a count down at most #i dont even have a bucket list or anything. maybe being told they're sorry but skydiving is easier #i have always known i was going to die young. always. since i was like 8. and i wasnt scared. just sad #but sadness is not an active killer. it's silent and slow #also please in the remote case that somebody reads this: dw. im not dying yet. i have one thing to do first and its going to take months

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catmemey · 2 years

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(◍•ᴗ•◍)

#it has been like. very flirtatious between my friend and i lately.#said friend was made 7 years ago when i was in first year when i went to a gala to meet a pen pal #and met him instead #and we both were into each other except we were both too useless to make any direct moves #so nothing ever happened #and i partially convinced myself it was never there on his part. except it definitely was #and i found out for sure last year when i asked him if he would ever want to date. and he said he was seeing someone #but then i was like well yeah when we first met i wanted to.#and he was like yeah i did too but convinced myself you probably didnt want to #anyways we've been talking since like fall 2020 off and on via messenger #and then at the end of this March we got to see each other for the f1st time since 2020 and hang out properly for the 1st time since 2017 #and my brain was like AAAAAAAAAAAAA him.#and then we saw each other again in late May and i was like ok its ok i can be friends. I've done it for this long #but then he used a WINKY FACE. in his msg to me that night or smth. and he never ever does.#and then i was like hmmmm. hm. can we turn this around.#and now we've been messaging A Lot and he has definitely been flirtatious. which I've returned #and hhhh i do feel like i have weird reservations but maybe that just happens in this sort of circumstance. idk #anyways we're having a phone call at noon tmrw and maybe i can pull up the courage to ask him if he's seeing anyone #and get it out of the way #hghfhghgj

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yyamssoup · 2 months

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whenever i post things with the intention of archival btw i get SO paranoid that all the stuff im posting is already (easily) available to people and ive just done a really poor job at searching and that i look stupid for not being able to find it myself 😭

#i always feel like im being too idk. confident whenever i post things like that???#like heh.... i found this thing that noone else could... and now IM making it available... im so cool... SHUT UP #so if anything i ever try archiving IS easily available. do me a favor and just dont tell me </3 #unless its something in idk higher quality or just a better version. in which case i will froth at the mouth over

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nimomo-mo · 5 months

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vent

#i was hungry today so i think my appetite is coming back despite the pills #and im not sure if thats a good thing #i still cant focus so i mean. lol. lmao even #at least i cant make myself start tasks and my executive dysfunction is as bad as ever #now i have the issue of if i keep getting hungry like before im gonna gain weight again and i dont wanna #look theres nothing wrong with being fat or chubby and god knows im not aiming to be a stick figure but oh my god i dont want to gain weigh #i should work out and get fit like a normal human and that means i should eat right. but i still have that nagging feeling #i love myself. i do. i have the dissociation thing where i cant recognize myself in the mirror tho. and its not good this time.#usually i dont really mind since its like. you know like its not me anyway so what does it matter if that girl is fat or not #but im really self conscious and feel gross and i dont know why it all started back up again #i want to measure it. want to weigh myself. want to count calories and check with measuring tape #but i really shouldnt and i know that if i do i will trigger such a bad episode i might end up in the fucking hospital #i need to hold out until this episode goes away. i need to stand it all until i get my head back together.#i dont wanna get malnutrition or lose weight so fast my skin gets flappy #but every little thing i eat ends up nagging at the back of my head about how if i eat more ill get fat and noone will like me then #its not true. i know its not true. and i know fat people are gorgeous and i am already chubby so what does it matter #but i feel horrible. i dont want to look like this or feel like this or be like this #i want to be the best i can be. i want to reach my full potential. but its not exactly working. i swear to god i wanna love myself #i want to be loved. i want to be adored. i want to be the one someone picks even if the room is full of gorgeous and competent women #i want to be the first choice and for the person to see me as the most beautiful person in the world #to be the first choice and to be everything someone wants and needs. to be the ideal. to be the perfect one even with my flaws #i want someone to look at all the ugly sides of me and look at my fat and my emotional fuckery and my ugly crying and still love me #i want someone to love me so wholeheartedly i wont ever feel like theyd like someone else. that theyd pick someone else. that im not no.1 #i want to be that person you do a double take of. to be the one that people get jealous of. to be the spotlight. to be the prettiest one.#its egoistical and selfish and childish and mean and dumb and naive and self absorbed i know. i know that it is #but its still there and its embarrassing . but im not gonna pretend like i dont have these thoughts and feelings.#im not smart or pretty enough to stand out. i dont know what could make me special. i dont know what i do that makes me unique.#what am i? who am i? how do i get better? i want to be better. i want to be better i want to be better i want to be better #i want to reach a new level i want to reach their level i want to be at the top i want to be special i want to be better i want to be proud #i want to be genuinely proud and special and outstanding enough to not feel insecure or inferior anymore

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brutal-out-here · 1 year

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#raineyrambles #can someone please explain to me why when it’s that ~hell week~ I have the sudden motivation to do a million things #and like wake up at sunrise and not moon #*noon #but can’t bring myself to do it because I if I start doing things I’ll start to feel like sht #like I was barely making it just standing in the doorframe of my sisters room talking for a few minutes #and then this combined with the fact that my motivation times are before 4pm #is extremely annoying #like rn I want to try on all my shirts that are a certain style to see how many I have that are like that #and I want to finally organized my bookshelf #and I want to run around my room in search for every bracelet I own #but just thinking about actually getting up to do it seems like the worst thing ever #wow that was a long rant oops

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chuluoyi · 6 months

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✎ treasure

- gojo satoru x reader

the strongest sorcerer meets his match in his petulant son, who inherits his six eyes and is having trouble with them

genre: taking care of your son with dad!gojo, fluff/comfort

note: AAAA i love this waaay too much!😭 this brilliant idea gave me baby fever so bad came from an anon who so energetically dropped by my askbox, thank you! and seeing this artwork by Yoon in twitter definitely gave me more ideas too!

a part of gojo's love entries

series masterlist | oneshot masterlist

"No!"

"Why? This helps—"

"That's ugly! I don't want to look ugly—like you!"

Satoru blinked in utter disbelief, and you broke into the most satisfying fits of laughter. In front of him, standing tall and sullen and very much like him was his own son, now barely five years old.

Your boy mentioned that he had been experiencing discomfort in his eyes lately, which also caused him to become dizzy. And Satoru attempted to persuade him to use a blindfold like he did because it was effective.

However, as we can see, his son didn't take his suggestion well at all. His bright blue eyes, ones your husband passed down, bore an intense glare aimed squarely at him.

"I..." Satoru sputtered, his eyes twitching. The sight was comical as no one had ever managed to elicit such a reaction from him. And no one ever considered him an unattractive person too! "I'm not—"

"You are!"

Once again, you let out a triumphant cackle, and this time your husband shot you a glare. But you didn't care. All those years of tolerating his antics had paid off. His son had finally put him in his place!

When he was a baby, you thought your son was Gojo Satoru incarnate. He was the spitting image of him—with all gaits and expressions too. And you had worried if he would turn out to be just as much of a menace as he was.

But apparently, life has other sweet plans because like you, he was a relatively calm boy, diligent, and didn't like to make a fuss. Satoru argued that it was definitely in his genes—claiming he had also been a sweetheart when he was a child, but you couldn't quite imagine him being remotely as reserved as your son.

That aside, the cause of this hilarious exchange did actually make you worry a bit.

"Look, I know it probably looks odd," Satoru gestured at the blindfold in his hand, but your little boy still didn't seem convinced by the pout he displayed. "But it will help you, I promise. If only you would—"

Oh, but it was almost like karma because besides his appearance, the other trait your son inherited from your husband was his strong sense of winning.

His face reddened from sheer indignation, and he once again screamed, "I don't want to! I'll just cover my eyes with—" he took a nearby napkin and pulled them over his eyes, "—this!"

Satoru sighed in annoyance, and you decided to jump in. Crouching down next to him, you gently pried the napkin from his hand.

"Papa just wants to help you, okay?" you reasoned, cupping his plump cheeks. Gods, he used to be this round thing in your and Satoru's arms and now he was already this big. "He uses it everyday and he has no problems, see?"

"But it doesn't look good..." Your son drooped his head in disappointment, and you could feel Satoru rolling his eyes beside you, evidently miffed at the thought of him being less than good-looking.

Parenting is challenging, especially when your husband still holds onto some of his childlike tendencies. So you decided to end the discussion here.

It was later at noon, while you were in the kitchen preparing lunch when you heard your son's scream and something crashing. Your heart was in your throat as you rushed to the backyard, only to see something that made your heart lurch even more.

Your sweet boy was wailing on the ground, clutching his head, and Satoru—

His expression was as horrified as yours if not more, as he ran and caught your son in his arms, pressing him tightly against his chest as if shielding him from the sun altogether. "Shit. Hey, hey—buddy, you okay?”

Satoru lifted him up and carried him inside. You were right beside him as he settled on the sofa, gently hushing your son, who was still shaking and had his eyes covered against his chest.

"M-My head..." your son whimpered, tears streaming down his chubby cheeks. "...h-hurts..."

"It's okay, it's okay..." he murmured, caressing the child's hair in a soothing manner, and it reminded you so much of what he would do to you in the early mornings. "I've got you now, nothing’s going to happen to you. Hang on a little longer, yeah?"

You felt warm tears threatening to well up in your eyes at the sight. It was heart-wrenching to see your son in such torment, and the way your husband was consoling him deeply touched you. It served as a poignant reminder of just how many years had passed from when Gojo Satoru was still that brat who used to mess with you during high school.

Soon, your little boy's breathing became even, and he went to sleep in Satoru's comforting embrace.

You looked at him while biting your lip, undiluted worry in your voice. "What should we do? He's been experiencing pain often lately..."

Satoru really wanted to wipe that expression from your face, but with his precious child clinging onto him for dear life, even he didn't have the heart to.

"Don't worry, I'll be with him," he assured, a plan already forming in his mind. "If he hates blindfolds that much, then I'll get him some pairs of glasses just like the ones I have—for kids. We'll start with that."

Bearing the weight of his clan's revered eyes was a heavy burden, and honestly, he would prefer it if none of his children had to inherit them. After all, he went through it all too as a child—the manifestation of the six eyes' powers marks the beginning of life as a sorcerer. The perilous world he was still trying to keep away from his son.

Nonetheless, he would be there for him every step of the way. It was what he vowed to himself on the day he was born. He wouldn’t let anything befall him—or you.

You had calmed down after hearing his plan, and as you gazed at your precious boy’s innocent face in his protective grip and the gentle pats he gave him, you suddenly found yourself in a mischievous mood once again.

"Heh, quite the doting papa, aren't you, Satoru?" you winked, a teasing smile on your face. You could have sworn his cheeks slightly flushed as he retorted:

"Hmph. He is my personal little body warmer, after all."

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s0fter-sin · 1 year

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i don’t like the colour of smoke screen. idk what colour i was expecting but it just looks like somnambulist

#maybe thats the point and its a tribute to midnight #either way i dont like it #if its a smoke screen why didnt you make it a nice grey or silver #it doesnt fit the vibe of the arc or the intention of the quirk #im seeing so many shit takes from people about the colouring and being like what did you expect it to look like batman #or showing the original panels and being does that look like a night time shot to you #no fuckhead #you know what it is tho? its in black and white #and black and white automatically makes it feel more dour and atmospheric #than bright sunny day colouring #the op was so lovely and desaturated i loved it the second i saw it #and i knew instantly that they werent ever going to use it in the actual show #bright colours and blue sky are their defaults #fuck tone and atmosphere #bright and blue #thats it #its why im not hyped for the final battle #its gonna be battle at high noon and censored to hell #bones wont even show shigarakis hand with its missing fingers they had to put some weird glove thing on him #all the gore and body horror of dabi and shigaraki? its either gonna look like shit or just straight up not be there #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #go beyond plus ultra #bnha #mha

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monzabee · 2 months

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pon de replay - cl16 (+18)

masterlist ||

Summary: The one where Charles decide to prove to everyone that it is him that you belong to, and only him.

Pairing: charles leclerc x reader

Word Count: 4.8k

Warnings: smuttt, nothing but pure filth, one might even say it is pwp, unprotected sex (cover your willy don’t be silly), oral (f receiving), kinda exhibitionism?, public sex, jealous charles, possessive charles, carlos being a little shit because he’s bored, poor lando, not even sure if i fulfilled the request or not, minors dni!!

Request: “HELLOOOO! i have an idea and you don’t have to write it but it’s been rattling around in my brain and im never gonna write it (i constantly have way too many ideas to write them fr) myself so i figured i’d send it to you cause you’ve kinda restored my F1 phase with your work. basically, reader being very goofy, funny, and maybe a little bit too loud at times. just like a very silly and bubbly personality and she hangs out with some of the f1 boys (maybe because she’s famous in her own right like a dancer or something) so naturally EVERYONE ships her with lando. like hardcore, almost as bad as one direction fans ships (iykyk), and it sorta makes sense cause when they’re together it’s pure and utter chaos and they both express themselves with physical touch B U T ! she’s actually with charles. to her it makes total sense to be with charles instead of lando cause while lando is definitely attractive he’s too much like her and it’d be like dating herself whereas charles brings out a new calm side to her and she can bring out a goofier side to him. opposites attract type shit😭. maybe a little angst cause charles hates seeing all the edits and also feels a little insecure cause lando and reader DO make sense together in his mind so why’d you pick him instead? then like soft fluff/smut reassurance that charles is literally the man of her dreams, a literal fucking prince, and the best person she’s ever been with. ANYWAYS, im rambling! again, you don’t have to write this if you don’t connect with it or don’t have time i just needed an outlet SOMEWHERE for all the F1 brain rot.”

Author’s Note: hi, hey, hello!! i first of all want to start by saying that i’m very sorry that this isn’t exactly like the request, like at all, but it took me a criminal amount of time to actually get this finished so we’re not going to focus on that. okay? okay, great!! in all and all it was actually quite fun to work on this at the beginning, it was just kinda hard for some reason to work on the actual smut part, but i hope you guys enjoy! good morning, noon or night wherever you are, xoxobee

Please also note that all of my works are protected under copyright, and not available for reposting on other platforms.

Charles wouldn’t call himself a possessive person, not a chance. He might be ambitious, and competitive, but possessive? That, he is not. He’s never been the type of get jealous of his partner’s friends, whether male or female, because he likes to think that he is mature enough to understand that people have friends. It’s that simple. And he is most definitely not the type of person to comment on what you wear when you’re going out, he is just not that guy. He’s fairly certain that his mother would materialise out of thin air and give him a good beating if he were to do that. So when you asked him about the dress you have on earlier before you left his apartment, the one that clings to your body so tightly that he can practically make out the outline of your tits from across the room? He just smiled and told you to have fun tonight – because he’s there to make sure you’re not put off by anyone staring at you in it.

So yeah. He’s not usually the type to let the jealousy take over his ability to think things out rationally, but when his girlfriend is dancing her heart away in the middle of the dance floor while every red-blooded men watch her with the same look in their eyes? Yeah, it’s not easy to keep his emotions in check at the moment given the circumstances. And it’s not that he even intends to pout like a petulant child at the bar, making sure to keep an eye on you, it’s just that he is an expressive person and his face reflects what he’s feeling that well. Totally because of that. It’s scary how utterly focused he is on you, watching your every move to make sure no one is bothering you, though you don’t seem to be in need of his help as he watches you dance with one of the girls you met when you first arrived to the club – and with Lando, though he tries not to focus on that part too much.

It's fine, though, he tries to make himself believe, it’s fine as long as you’re having fun. Though that doesn’t necessarily stop him from throwing daggers into Lando’s direction as covertly as he can. The way he has a friendly arm around you is driving him crazy, and he is not above stomping over there to pull you under his arm, drag you to the nearest bathroom and– Well, maybe he shouldn’t get too far ahead of himself just yet.

“They look good together, no?” He hears someone ask him from the side. He realises it is his teammate when he turns to give the person a glare.

“Who?” He asks, deciding to play dumb, but he can’t help himself as he makes a face while focusing his gaze back on you.

“You know who I’m talking about, cabrón!” Carlos exclaims, laughing as he pats him on the back and points to the two of you with a tilt of his head, “I’m glad he’s finally doing something about it rather than sulking around like a geriatric toddler.”

If he would have turned around any faster, Charles is sure his neck would actually, possibly, break. “What?” he spits out as he turns around, “Do you mean her and Lando?”

Carlos gives his teammate a confused look, “Yes,” he drawls out, “you didn’t know he had a crush on her? I thought the entire paddock knew!” Charles feels a surge of disbelief and a tinge of anger bubbling within him.

He wouldn't call it possessiveness, more like a primal instinct to protect what's his. But this revelation catches him off guard, shattering his carefully constructed facade of nonchalance. With doing his best to keep calm under the situation, he asks, “Are you sure you’re not making things up? I feel like you’re misreading the situation here.”

That receives another confused look from his teammate, and though Charles is quite the perceptive person, he misses Carlos starting to put the pieces together – thanks to his overreaction. “I guess so,” Carlos mumbles, loud enough for Charles to hear him in the loud club, “he’s always talking about her, though. The way she smiles, her hair, her dresses; did you know he even went to see one of her performances in Vegas?” Carlos feels bad, really, but there is also something so fulfilling in confirming his theories as he watches his teammate’s eyes bulge out at the mention of one of your dance shows in Vegas. Because Charles knows what those entail.

“I-in Vegas?” He stutters out, eyes moving to focus on your dancing figure again. And at that moment, he absolutely hates Lando. He hates him for having his arms around you, he hates him for dancing with you to the beat in a rhythm he never seems to be able to keep up with, he hates him for the way everybody seems to think the two of you seem to make a handsome couple, and he absolutely hates him for the way he makes you smile.

Charles Leclerc is not a possessive guy – until it comes to you, that is.

“Charles?” He hears Carlos call out his name, but he’s out of his seat long before he can hear the end of his sentence. He doesn’t mean to stomp across the dance floor to get to you. He really doesn’t. He also doesn’t mean to grab you by your arm and put a pause on your fun. And the smile you give him and the way you wrap your arms around his neck while you call him ‘Charlie’? Makes his heart stutter in a way that makes him forget why he ever came over in this first place. Because this should be normal – you, having male friends and spending time with them should not make him insecure. He should be fine with you and Lando spending time together because you both love the hustle and bustle of a club. But at that moment, he doesn’t care about what should be normal, no. He cares about the fact that someone other than him has managed to make you smile, and that he needs to remind you that he’s the only one who should be on the receiving end of all your smiles.

So when he drags you away from the dancefloor (and Lando, for that matter), he doesn’t listen to your objections. He doesn’t care about the way Carlos is watching from his place from the bar, putting all the pieces together as he shares a look with Lando. And he most definitely doesn’t care about the fact that he’s about to fuck you in the club’s bathroom. Well, maybe he does care about that last part. “Charlie,” you whine, your voice clearly scratched from shouting along the lyrics of the songs playing throughout the night, and he doesn’t miss the way you slur his name ever so slightly – which tells him that you had at least two drinks. Cosmopolitans, if he had to guess. “Pleaaase,” you drag out the word, pulling on his shirt to get his attention, “they are playing my song!”

His first mistake is to look at you, because the way your lips form a pout and the way you’re giving him puppy dog eyes is usually strong enough for him to give in. Though this is no usual situation. So instead of moving the two of you back to the dancefloor, he grabs you by your cheeks and presses his lips against you. In the middle of the club, where everybody can see him doing it. The way his lips move against yours is aggressive, and you’re definitely out of breath when he does move away. Cosmopolitans, he realises after tasting you. You've had cosmopolitans. Then, he just gives you a look, threads his fingers through yours and raises an eyebrow. Then he asks, “Are you going to be a good girl and come with me now, or should I do this the hard way and just carry you on my shoulder?”

If this was any other situation, you would totally say something bratty back. Hell, you might have actually said something rude if it meant him being rough with you, maybe spanking you a few times just enough times for you to learn your lesson. But you understand that this is no ordinary situation from his voice and the expression on his face. Charles is like that, you suppose. He’s an open book – meaning that it is very easy to understand what kind of a mood he’s in just by looking at his face, or listening to the undertone of his voice. And right now? Right now you know he’s pissed. You don’t necessarily know what you did, nor do you care. Mainly because all you want to do is make him feel better simply because of the reason that he is one of those people who’s just meant to smile at all times, not frown.

And so you nod gingerly, squeaking out a thimble, “Yes.” You finally meet his eyes as you wrap yourself around his arm, pushing yourself closer to him in the crowded club. “I’ll be good.”

This thumb does that thing where he caresses your knuckle, and he starts moving you through the crowd again. This time, however, you try to stick to him by matching the speed of his steps rather than trying to stay back. You told him you’d be good, you intend to keep your promise. He’s quiet all the way to the bathroom, and he’s quiet when he motions you to get inside, and he’s quiet when he closes to door and promptly locks it behind your back. You think for a moment you’re just there for a chat, maybe about that something you might’ve done, but Charles takes you by surprise as he grabs your waist and pushes you against the door, causing your eyes to widen with realisation of what you’re about to do in that bathroom.

“Charles, what’s wrong?” You try to ask, but he shuts you up with another kiss. And if you thought the previous kiss was aggressive, this one absolutely consumes you. He doesn’t even give you a fighting chance as his tongue quickly dominates yours, and he is relentless as he nips at your lower lip. You can’t help the mortifying moan that leaves your lips, and you push him away to inhale deeply. “What has gotten into you?” You ask, eyes wide due to the adrenaline coursing through your veins, “What happened?”

“You, happened.” He growls. And by that, you mean that he actually growls. His voice is a few octaves deeper than his usual voice, and you can see that he’s snappy. There is this dark look in his eyes that would otherwise scare you if you didn’t know him, but you do. Because he’s your Charles.

And you know this because the quickly leans into your touch when you bring one of your hands up to cup his cheek, giving him a confused look. “Did I do something?” You ask, voice soft amidst the humid bathroom. “Oh my god, is it my dress? Is it too short?” Your eyebrows draw closer as you start properly spiralling. “I knew I should’ve worn the shorts, why didn’t you say something?”

Your mini monologue about your party attire must have struck a chord because Charles suddenly exhales heavily, his forehead resting against yours as he closes his eyes. “No, non, it's not about the fucking dress,” he lashes out, his voice strained, and lace with something else that you can’t quite catch. “I don’t care what you wear, though I do appreciate the easy access.”

“Easy access?” You repeat, testing out the words as you come to a realisation. “What?” You exclaim, quickly taking your hand away from his face to lightly slap at his chest. “No! We are definitely not doing that here, are you out of your mind? You pulled me away because you can’t keep it in your pants until we’re home?”

“And why not?” He asks, and this time, you can see the unbridled rage behind his look. “Would you rather go back to Lando out there? You looked quite happy in his arms after all.”

And the realisation dawns on you right then and there. That this isn’t about your choice of dress for the evening, no. It is about Lando. Though you don’t get that part, since he’s both of your friend, so why is Charles being like this? And you would ask him, of course. But the look he gives you indicates that he doesn’t want to be tested in that exact moment.

So instead, you attempt to calm him down, by dragging your hand gently down his chest and wrapping your arms around his middle. He is like that, your Charles, sometimes he just wants to be held to see reason. “Charlie,” you call out, voice soft as you give him a pleading look, “why don’t you tell me what this is about, hm?”

You think he’s going to finally give in for a moment, but then he just gives you a blank stare. “I don’t want to talk,” he grunts, pulling you flush against him by the hands he has on your waist. His lips are on your neck faster than you can say anything, working his way towards your collarbones. The faint whimpers that come out of your lips bring a small smile to his lips knowing that he’s the one causing them, not Lando or any other guy.

“Charles,” you gasp, your fingers tangling in his hair as his lips trail along your skin. Despite the confusion and frustration swirling within you, you can't deny the way his touch ignites a fire deep within you, consuming your thoughts and leaving you breathless with desire. But as much as you crave his touch, you know that there are unresolved issues between you, issues that need to be addressed before you can fully give yourself to him in this moment. “Charlie,” you repeat, your voice barely above a whisper as you gently push against his chest, urging him to stop. “Stop, we need to talk about this.”

“Talk about what?” He asks, all breathy and with a wild look in his eyes. You can see that he’s trying to hold himself back, but at the same time his hands keep moving on your body in a way that makes you want to let him lose control and perhaps even join him. He successfully ignores your attempts at pushing him away, sliding his hands down on your body to grab the hem of your dress, clenching the material in his hand while dragging it upwards on your thighs until he reaches the soft skin of your stomach. “I have a thing in mind which might help me feel better.” Unable to take your eyes off of him, you take a stuttered breath as you watch him slowly get down on his knees, his lips pressing kisses starting form your sternum continuing down your body over your dress until you feel his lips on the exposed skin of your stomach. His kisses stop once he’s met with the top lining of your underwear, looking at you with a mischevious glint in his eyes as he nips at the nimble lace adorning the top. You call out his name in a weak whimper – though it is not clear to you, nor him, whether you’re asking him to stop or go on. Charles decides to go with the latter. “You know what to say if you want me to stop.”

You don’t really need his reminder, you realise, but it is a welcome one. Your cheeks blush even further when you feel his gaze on you as he lowers his face towards your core, leaving a sweet kiss onto your clit through the fabric of your thong. Suddenly, you want nothing more than to just rip to whole thing apart so there is nothing separating you from him, but you know the game, and you especially know that the ending is sweeter than what you could ever imagine at that moment. And so you wait – you wait until he eventually makes his move and gives your slit a generous lick through the fabric. Watching you is equal parts thrilling and painful, mainly because he wants to drag out his teasing as long as possible just to see you falling apart for him. It’s second nature to you, the way your hand threads through his hair to move him the way you want to, but it is of course not an option because it’s Charles who is in charge.

He makes this known by the way he pulls away, ignoring the way your hands scramble to guide him back to where you want him to be. He nips at the skin of your thigh in a warning manner, pulling a whine from your lips as he fixes you with a look, “You’re not in control tonight, mon bijou, I’ll stop if you try to take over. You got that?” It’s sobering to see him take control in such a way, you sweet little Charles. Usually, he has no problem just laying back and letting you take all the control, or even just making you believe you do. But now? With the way he’s looking at you with such hunger? You know you’d be soaking through your underwear if you weren’t so wet for him already. All you can do is offer him a meek nod, with your lips hanging open in shock, but he is not satisfied with your answer. No, he needs to hear you say the words. So, being the initiative person that he his, he tips at your skin again, this time earning himself a whimper along a grumble about how he’s being unreasonable. He isn’t, but that’s a topic to discuss another time, he decides. “I said, you got that?”

“Yes! Fine, yes!” You whine, grabbing your dress even tighter with your fist that isn’t buried in his hair, “Please just make me come.”

“See?” He asks, flashing you a sweet smile as he lowers his face back onto where you need him the most, “It wasn’t that hard now, is it?” The grumble about how he’s about to be the hard one, makes him chuckle to himself, the rumbling from it making you moan his name as he finally gives you what you want. His tongue works fast as he laps on the wetness through your underwear, soaking the material even more without a care in the world. If you weren’t wet before, you’re sure you’re definitely wet as he drags his tongue through your slit and back onto your clit to suck it through the fabric, causing you to let out a string of moans, each getting considerably louder as he works on your cunt.

The breath is knocked out of your lungs as the moments pass, as you become closer and closer to your impending release. You don’t even notice the fact that you’ve started to move your hips to match the rythym of his tongue, seeking something more to make you tip over the edge. You’re also very aware of the fact that Charles is letting you what you want to do, and though you’re scared out of you midn that he’ll stop like he threatened to do before, the little nod he gives you when you give him a pleading look assures you that he also wants you to come undone on his face.

Or so you’ve thought.

Because he knows your body so well that jus as you’re about to come he pulls back, leaving you high and dry, and even has the nerve to chuckle when he hears his name coming out of your mouth in a high pitched whine. You’re so lost in the moment that you almost miss the way he gently grabs your hands and removes them from his hair, pinning them above you and pushing you against the wall. “Why?” You whine, lips pushed out in a pout as your voice gets gradually whinier, “I was so close, Charles.”

“Oh, baby,” he cooes, “I know you were, I could feel it too.” He starts peppering your feverish skin with kisses, as if to say sorry for leaving you on the brink of an orgasm, and you find yourself arching your neck to expose more of your skin to his skillfull lips. You should stop him, some part of you screams to you in your head, because with the way he’s disguising the fact that he’s marking you with hickeys, but you don’t care at that moment. Your every breath and moan seem to motivate him to work faster, and harder, and when he eventually pulls back to leave a bruising kiss on your lips. A smirk finds its way onto his lips as he gives you an eyeing down, taking in how breathless you look. “Don’t worry, mon bijou, I’ll fuck you now, okay?”

You don’t even realise the nod you give him, too lost in his eyes to put words together to form a proper sentence. He’s gentle with you as he lets go of your hands and positions you the way he wants. With one of your legs wrapped around his hip he has better access to your soaked underwear, his fingers working quickly to pulling it aside. You don’t know when he managed to get himself free from his pants and underwear, but that doesn’t stop you from letting out a loud moan when you feel the tip of his cock circling your clit. “Please, please, please,” your voice cracks as you frantically beg him to do something more. You’d love nothing more than to scold him for the way he shushes you condescendingly, but any complaint you had evaporates when you feel him nudge your entrance. “Please,” you breathe out again, giving him pleading looks as you try to pull him closer somehow, “You promised me you’d fuck me.”

That manages to pull out a beathy chuckle for him, and as if he’s trying to console you, you feel his fingers gently caressing the skin of your hip. “Why don’t you do it yourself, hm?” A grin widens on his lips when you give him a look of confusion, and he leads one of your hands between your bodies for you to wrap it around his cock. “You want me inside you, right?” He rewards your tentative nod with a series of kisses down the column of your throat, “Come on then,” he mumbles into your skin, “put it in, pretty girl.” Exhaling a shaky breath, you keep your eyes on him as you guide him through your entrance. A gasp is torn from your lips when you feel his tip entering you, the initial stretch being more overwhelming because of the fact that you’re standing up. But Charles is quick to soothe you with his kisses down your neck, letting you control the rhythym and how further he can move inside you at first. With your hand making its way down to his hip, pressing him close to you, he quickly gets the message that you’re ready for him. “You’re ready?” He double-checks, raising his head to fix his eyes to yours.

“I swear to god if you don’t fuck me right now–” Your words are interrupted when you feel him move his hips back, just enough to have his tip inside you, and then he snaps his hips forward to thrust back in, making your breath hitch at the back of your throat. It doesn’t take very long for you to become a moaning mess, in fact, you’re more than ready to fall apart for him then and there, but you know he won’t let you until he gets his point across.

“Look at you, mon bijou,” Charles darkly chuckles, hips matching the rhythym of the song playing outside at the dance floor, “what would people think if they saw you being such a mess for me in a club’s bathroom?” And the whine you let out in response to his question nothing if pathethic, but you can’t find it in you to care because of how good he’s making you feel. “Yes?” He prompts you, mocking the whiny ‘Yes’, that leaves your mouth before you start begging him to let you come. But he doesn’t, because he knows you can hold it until he’s ready for you too, and he tells you just that.

“So good, Charlie, so good,” you can’t help the broken moans you let out as he fucks you to the brink of an orgasm. But that is not enough for him, no. He needs everyone to know the two of you are together now, needs to get out all of his pent up frustrations out.

So when the opportunity presents itself with Lando knocking on the door asking if you are okay? A knowing smirk find its way onto his lips, and you try to silently plead with him with your eyes. “You want to cum?” He whispers in your ear, his thrusts becoming faster. “Say my name if you want to come, baby.”

“Please–” You gasp, hands grabbing the shirt he’s wearing. It’s no avail even if you try to keep your voice down. Because when Charles finds a way to slither his hand down between your legs and starts rubbing your clit in firm circles? You know there is no way you can stay quiet through your orgasm. “Why?” You manage to get out, “God, Charles please.”

“Tell me who’s making you feel so good, pretty girl.” He encourages you, his rhythym now almost brutal as he tries his best to make you come for him. “Come on, tell me who you belong to.” He chuckles darkly when he sees you shaking your head. “It’s not Lando, it’s me. You hear that?” Uh-huh, is the only answer he receives in return, but he is of course not satisfied with it. So, he gently pinches the inside of your thigh. “Tell me who’s going to make you come, or I’ll stop.”

“N-no!” You exclaim, too overwhelmed to see that his threat is an empty one, because he would never actually do something like that to you. “Please, please don’t stop.”

“Come on,” he cooes, the sweet words he whispers into your skin making you more and more malleable to his request. “Say my name baby, let me hear you.”

“Charles,” your loud moan cuts the heavy air in the bathroom. Cheeks flushed, breath unorganised and with that wild look in your eyes? There’s nothing Charles wouldn’t do for you. With every move of his hips, you moan his name louder, eventually tipping over the edge as he feels you squeezing his cock so tight that he almost loses himself then and there.

That’s not to say he doesn’t, of course. Because just as you’re about done with your orgasm, you feel him come inside you, chanting your name alongside mine, mine mine. It takes a long time for the both of you to get back to your senses, but he’s extremely gentle with you as he helps you down and fixes your underwear. You find yourself snuggling up to him when he eventually takes you into his arms after fixing his own clothing, nuzzling your nose to his neck. “You know, I think I like the jealous side of you.” You mumble, leaving a few kisses across his jaw.

“Yeah?” He asks, a breathy chuckle leaving him as he cradles your face with both of his hands, his thumbs caressing the apples of your cheeks.

“Yeah.” You nod, giving him a small smile, “But I need you to take me home, please, I can feel your cum dripping down my leg.”

“Oh baby,” he coos, tutting as he slides his hands down your body to grab you by the waist, “we’re not going home, it would be rude to leave our friends by themselves. Don’t you think so?” The flabbergasted look that you give him makes another chuckle come from his lips as he slowly turns you towards the door. His lips find the junction between your neck and shoulder again as he announces, “We’re going to go back out there, and we’re going to dance. We wouldn’t want you to miss your song now, would we?”

And when he opens the bathroom door and you hear the first words to a Rihanna song you love? You know it’s going to be a long night ahead of you.

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