#at least i cant make myself start tasks and my executive dysfunction is as bad as ever | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

adhdanalogbrain · 3 years

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Hi there! I don't have adhd myself, but all three of my roommates do. It makes it almost impossible for them to notice when chores need done, or to even motivate to do chores when reminded (whether by me or the chore apps we've tried). I don't want to resent my friends but I'm getting close, since I'm the only person in the house who does household chores. Do you have any tips on how I can help them, and how they can help themselves?

Ok so I've been chewing on this response for a while. Because there's no one technique or life hack that can solve this situation easily -- BUT i do believe you and your roommates have the power to solve it, with understanding and a helluva lot of communication. First Im going to explain how the adhd brain can react to chores, them I'm going to share how you can outwit the adhd brain through the power of friendship (e.g., communication, teamwork, and the benefit of the doubt).

So, for a lot of people with executive dysfunction problems, chores are THE WORST.

1. Some of them happen regularly, and others are intermittent. Since it's already hard for us to notice the existence of time, this fact hits us coming and going.

2. Some of them are suuuuuuuuuuuuper boring, which is absolute agony and makes 10 minutes feel like 2 hours of torture.

3. Some require multiple steps, so we cant figure out how to get started, so we get overwhelmed and freak out.

4. Starting a new thing -- overcoming the inertia of I'm Already Doing Something Else -- is really hard.

5. If there is any kind of obstacle to getting started on the chore, our motivation to do the thing can fizzle out.

6. Many of us associate chores with punishment / bad feelings, because we grew up in households that didn't acknowledge our difficulties, or blamed us, or guilt tripped us, or used chores as a punishment.

But!!! All is not lost!! This is where the power of Friendship comes in, because it sounds like there are at least 4 people in your house, which means there's 4 people to help each other outsmart their brains and get stuff done.

The first thing to do is sit down with your roommates and have an honest conversation about the chores. This is NOT a, "Chris you didnt do the dishes the last 3 weeks" conversation! The theme of this conversation is: "The chores gotta get done. Let's brainstorm together how to get that done."

Here are some things that you all, as a group, gotta figure out together:

1. What are the communal chores that need doing, and how regularly do they need to get done?

-Write this all down! Right there at the table! ADHD brains can sometimes need things pinned down in letters on a page before we can grok them. And some things that seem Really Big out loud can turn out to look a lot less intimidating on paper.

-Sometimes people have different expectations for what a specific chore requires. My spouse balked at vacuuming for a long time before I realized that for him, vacuuming meant moving all the furniture to get every single speck of carpet in the house. Me saying "God no please just vacuum the carpet you can easily reach" solved that issue.

2. What chores do people hate? Why?

- The "Why?" is important. If someone hates doing dishes because it makes their hands wet and they have to touch Gross Things, that doesn't mean they never have to do dishes -- it means they should try wearing rubber dish gloves to see if that helps.

3. What chores do people not mind doing?

-My spouse haaaates folding laundry, and I dont mind it, so voila, that is now my task.

4. What sorts of things stand in the way of getting chores done?

Examples might include:

- I wanted to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, but the clean dishes were still in there, and my brain was so set on dirties -> dishwasher I couldn't brain how to switch over to putting the clean stuff away first. (Solution: "Dishes" might be broken up into more discrete tasks)

-I was supposed to sweep but there were Things on the floor (Solution: "It's ok to sweep around things on the floor.")

-I know I'm supposed to take the trash out every Sunday but I didn't realize it was Sunday until Monday started (Solution: "Take the trash out on Monday and let it sit there till the following Sunday" OR "Put the trash bags right in front of the door so you cant miss them when you leave the house")

- The pile of dishes was so big i got overwhelmed and left the room (Solution: "You don't have to do ALL the dishes, just a sinkful" OR "Step 1 of doing dishes is restacking them more neatly on the counter")

5. What are some workarounds we can figure out around the above obstacles to help each other get everything done?

- In my house, we don't have a dishwasher. I will wake up in the morning and start a load in the sink, and wash enough dishes to fill the dish rack. When my spouse wakes up an hour later, he puts the clean dishes away. Over the course of a day, by tagging in and out, we get all the dishes done (mostly).

-We talk ALL THE TIME about what we need to get done and what is stopping us, and how we can help each other overcome the mental obstacle.

Example: "I know i need to do some dishes but the size of the stack is killing me." "Would it help if I washed the two big saucepans so that the stack is smaller?" "OH GOD YES."

-We ask each other for help when we need it! "Hey I can do all the laundry if you could just carry the basket downstairs for me."

So.

I know you are getting irritated by the current chore situation. You also dont want to "nag" people or be, like, some sort of parental figure dispensing chore assignments to your grumbling roommates. And you don't want to be left doing all the chores all the time, slowly seething.

None of that needs to happen.

Talk with your roomates. Have an honest conversation focused on problem solving. No blame. No pointing fingers. Y'all are the Avengers, or the Justice League, or your Found-Family-Trope Of Choice. The only rules are:

1. COMMUNICATE

2. Work together

3. Communicate some more. Ongoing communication. Regular check-ins. Task-swapping. Teamwork.

4. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. No one is skipping chores to be mean, or to punish anyone else. If something gets missed, talk and brainstorm and help each other.

You're a really great friend, to reach out for help about this! You can do it!

#chores #household tasks #adhd coping

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sandersstudies · 3 years

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Sorry if this sounds rambly but i need to hear something positive. You have adhd and somehow manage to hold down two jobs. I have adhd too and it is kicking my ass. I am in mostly honors classes and barely keeping my head above water and get a part time job on top of it. I love school but covid is making it so so so much harder. On one hand its good that I am getting a job on the other hand it feels like I am trying to hold two fistfuls of sand and everyone else had a bucket and is getting frustrated that I cant keep a hold of all the sand. How the hell do you manage? (Sincerely a disster junior who is about about to start crying)

I don’t know if this is positive, but if not I hope you at least feel like you’re not alone: I have sand running through my fingers like water every day. It’s very stressful and I relate to what you’re saying. I have constantly unread e-mails and messages, chores around the house that desperately need doing, overdue appointments with my dentist or the DMV, and friends that I forget to keep up with. It can feel debilitating at times.

Here’s my advice; focus on the baseline of what you need to be functional. Make your spaces work for you and remove obstacles that cause executive dysfunction. Don’t make your goal 100%, make your first goal getting by. For everyone this looks different, for me it means stuff like giving myself permission to let certain tasks go undone.

The office is always a mess, but if I can just make a goal to keep my own workplace clean so I can work on other things, then I’m functional.

If my workload is interfering with my mental health, I get someone to cover my shift and take a whole day to get back to stable; this means I won’t break down later in the week.

If I can’t prepare a homemade meal for my husband and I, I buy the ingredients for him to cook or ask him to grab a pizza on the way home so at least we can have dinner together.

Instead of thinking of sand running through your fingers, think of the analogy of juggling balls. When you’ve got enough of them, it’s just impossible to keep them all up in the air, and you’ve got to let some drop, but if you drop the cotton balls, it’s a lot better than dropping the glass ones. Find which of your juggling balls are likely to shatter and keep them in the air. This will include things like a baseline of self-care and productivity, but it will look different for everyone. They can also include very specific items (i.e. “I won’t graduate without a B in this important class, but this other class I can slide by with a D and still be okay.”)

If you take my examples, leaving my workspace a mess is like a glass ball - not having a clear space to work interferes with my day and makes my executive dysfunction spike. Leaving the rest of the office a mess is a cotton ball - I’d like the office to be clean, but it won’t interfere with my day-to-day.

Being mentally healthy is a glass ball - if I let my mental health deteriorate, it’s not only bad for my well-being, but it makes it impossible to get other tasks done. While being punctual to work in general is important to me, a single shift that I’ve responsibly covered can be a cotton ball that is sacrificed for my glass ball of mental health for the rest of the week.

Eating healthy and wholesome food and saving money by cooking at home is important to me, but ultimately it’s a cotton ball. Eating food AT ALL is my glass ball. If I skip meals, it’s bad for my physical and mental health and I won’t function well.

All that said (and I think I turned into the rambler here) you should be very very proud of yourself. Having honors classes AND working a job through school are big achievements. You’re doing great and I hope you get a chance to build a sandcastle with your sand.

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afearing · 4 years

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whine post alert

god i’m going to fail classes this semester for actual realsies. like our school has pass/no credit and i still might need to retake a course. fuck me. the executive dysfunction has been so bad i literally can barely leave my room. for weeks now. honestly i have been keeping up with schoolwork by self destructing my health since high school and like the coping mechanisms are just. not happening anymore. i think i have turned in every single assignment since we got sent home within 5 minutes of the deadline or late sometimes hilariously late and i just turned in a half finished final project sooooo. and why are BOTH my hard finals tomorrow?

i literally, actually, no exaggeration this time, can not fucking deal with this successfully. i may have another cry now to bring my total for today up to like a full hour. i know failing a class isnt the end of the world but i have NEVER gotten below a b+ in anything in my whole entire life and it feels like its a serious blemish on my worth as a person that i cant keep it together enough to learn stuff that i’m really interested in.

i know its so bad i’ve known it’s really fucking bad i’m the one living it, I’m still so upset i couldn’t get an adhd dx. i know myself i KNOW the depression is secondary to whatever it is that makes my executive functioning absolutely rock bottom shit tier because i wasnt depressed as a kid and i STILL had these issues. then i was suicidal in middle school and this has only got worse since then, and THEN i was in a great place emotionally for the last two years of high school but thats exactly when i started seriously never ever getting any god damn sleep. and my sleep pattern my whole life has been MUCH more in line with typical adhd than depression. also yeah my mood is always bad but a) we literally live in a dystopia i think its excusable and b) im always under tons of stress because im incapable of doing work. i have no issue enjoying myself when i actually clear my responsibilities and get to do fun stuff, and my self esteem is fine except for how im frequently guilty about being.... incapable.... of doing work. unless i ONLY have depression in the body and not in my emotions which really doesn’t sound like a real thing i do not know why every doctor i talk to insists that must be the only issue. there have been at least 4 so far

like. get a load of this

me:

and

(the covered text is: “Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (e.g., schoolwork or homework; for older adolescents and adults, preparing reports, completing forms, reviewing lengthy papers).” like this is THE problem this is it this is what is ruining my life)

the genius psychs i keep seeing: you have depression not adhd. you probably have just never tried using a planner. give me $300

#text post #if you re//blog it is fucking on sight #long post #you better believe im deleting this when i remember it exists l m a o

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gooeyguy · 7 years

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email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk. And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering) talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony. If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)

#i was up at 2 am writing this #its kinda gross #but it explains so much

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