#I am genuinely scared if I came out I wouldn't get to go to family events anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

am-i-the-asshole-official · 4 months

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AITA for being paranoid about US Border Security?

🪤 <- for searching later

Background info: I live in Canada, (relatively) close to the US border. Because of this, when shopping online it can be cheaper to have orders shipped to the nearest American town and then drive down yourself to pick them up. I hadn't done this myself but it's pretty normal to do around here.

This happened at the end of this summer, so the situation is fully over but my (white) friends immediately adjacent to this situation have said that I was basically the only asshole here and I feel that I am, at least, only one of the assholes. I want people's genuine opinions however. I have since stopped talking to this entire group of people, who I'd previously been friends with for 4-5 years, over this issue and a couple others.

My friend (20s, white) had ordered a package to [nearest American town], and because they don't have a car, they were looking for someone who could do a day trip to the states so they could pick it up. I (20s, white-passing, but from a mixed South Asian Muslim family, & I have very recognizably Muslim family names) offered to drive them down with my car, they agreed. We were going to split gas money, the date was set, everything was ready to go.

A few days prior to when we were going to go, my south asian parent reminded me that because I have muslim names, I need to be very careful when crossing the border, because the US Customs is well known for profiling muslims/arabs and pulling them aside for intensive screening. My parent also pointed out that, because my friend smokes weed basically every single day (legal in Canada), I would need to make sure that they were not carrying any weed with them when we went.

I was freaked out by this, and was not thinking super clearly in the moment because it was close to midnight and things my parent had mentioned about previous experiences going through Customs had scared me a lot.

I immediately texted my friend, saying that Customs would find weed on them if they swabbed them, and that it would be "a big problem." They replied that Customs doesn't swab for weed, and that they "failed to see any problem." I replied that Customs is allowed to go through your phone (people have been turned away at the border for admitting to having used cannabis before, but if you tell Customs that you've never smoked weed and they find evidence to the contrary they can ban you from entering the country for lying to border personnel.)

I linked them to an unofficial site that went into detail about what US Customs agents can do if you have weed on you or admit to having smoked previously. My vague intent at this point was for us to get everything in order so that none of the bags/jackets/etc we were taking could possibly have had any weed crumbs/dead old vapes/edible packaging in them , but I didn't get a chance to say this because they immediately replied that even if Customs tested them and found weed in their system, that they wouldn't care because it's legal in Canada. I said that Customs very much would care, and they said that I was insulting them and accusing them of having a criminal record. At this point they sent a further ~10 upset/angry texts in a row, which I didn't open or reply to because I was really upset at this point and needed a minute.

At this point (around midnight), they phoned me, I picked it up and they immediately(!) started yelling at me and saying I was a piece of shit etc etc. I told them they sounded dysregulated and should take a minute to compose themself (I phrased what I said in an aggravating therapy-speak way, bc I had been watching vids about cptsd immediately before they phoned me, but I was extremely freaked out, as I think most people would be when their friend is suddenly yelling at them, and it was the first thing that came to mind). This just made them yell louder, so I told them I refused to let people speak to me that way, said goodnight, they said goodnight, we hung up, and I blocked their calls and texts so they couldn't continue berating me.

After this, I realized that I'd completely neglected to mention that the reason I was particularly scared was because of US Customs' Islamophobic profiling, but I had gone into the interaction assuming (incorrectly) that they already knew implicitly that that was going to be an issue, because we'd known each other for 5 years and I've definitely talked (not recently) about how going thru US Customs is always a pain in the ass because my whole family gets profiled and taken for extra questioning, so right before I went to sleep I briefly unblocked them and sent a text saying that the reason I was so paranoid was because of the extra questioning I was already expecting to encounter at the border, but that it was now irrelevant anyway because I refused to be in a car with someone who was totally fine treating me this way.

I've since stopped talking to this person and, by association, my (white) friendgroup because they sided with them completely. It was a long time coming for other additional reasons I can't get into though.

TL;DR

Planning trip from Canada to US in my car with stoner friend, realized a few days before trip that US Customs can arbitrarily fuck your shit up if they find evidence of weed on you. Got scared and tried to tell stoner friend that it would be a big problem if they had weed on them, they flipped their shit and yelled at me over the phone about it, I blocked them (functionally cancelling the trip).

I believe I was accusatory in a bad way, and that I should have communicated better, but ultimately that my fear had a 100% legitimate basis and should not have been completely and totally dismissed by everyone around me, even though I was too extreme in my paranoia

(They were able to get another ride and pick the package up later)

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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jewishvitya · 6 months

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Do you live in Israel or are you just from there? If you do live there, is it scary to be pro-Palestine? I am kind of unclear on what the long-term plan would be when we free Palestine and that seems like the sort of thing you would know, can you help me out? Would settlers continue to live there?

I live in Israel, yeah.

It can be... Isolating. Sad. Horrifying. I lost friends, I can't speak to family members. Scary is... I don't know if that's the word?

Living in a reality of violence is scary, and I do have trauma from the things I experienced. Thunder sounds too much like explosions, if I don't expect it I can get panic attacks just from that. But being pro-Palestine isn't really a factor there.

Yesterday I spoke to an Israeli Palestinian and we spoke about Gaza. We spoke about how I'm worried for several people I personally talked to, how I'm worried for their families and friends and all the fear and grief they're dealing with, how he's been crying every day. We talked about how unnecessary this all is. About how "getting rid of Hamas" is such a useless goal when the destruction will just create the next generation of fighters, and we're killing so many people and ruining so many lives for nothing. We both have children and talked about how we can't imagine having to starve just to make sure the bits of food we have go to them, because children succumb to death from starvation and dehydration first.

He told me, "If a police officer heard us now, we'd both be arrested." He told me he wants to keep his head down, make money to take care of his children, go back home, live his life. And he told me "You know how strong the racism is, because they're racist to you for caring about us." And I wouldn't really put it in these terms, they're not racist to me. But I'm in the splash zone, in a way, by positioning myself close to Palestinians through sympathy and through trying to align myself with their liberation as best I can. And I do feel it. I'm worried about how I might get treated sometimes. It can impact so many things in my life.

But the person I talked to, being in his position is scary.

Me, I'm heartbroken. I'm furious. Seriously, I'm so fucking angry. Not really scared. That's privilege, I guess.

I'm not sure I can answer that too well. Palestinians write about what liberation looks like for them, and my reading process is very slow. So I can't give you any clarity.

If I'm speculating, I'd imagine Palestinians will want their lands back. I don't think we should get to just keep what we stole. This doesn't mean there will be no place for us at all. But I'd imagine a lot of things will have to change and move.

I mean, I spoke to a person from Gaza and I told him what city I live in. He didn't say "Get out of there, how dare you." He said something along the lines of, "I wish I could visit. My close friend is from there. He should have been your neighbor."

The desire to visit came up in conversations with multiple people, it genuinely breaks my heart.

Obviously I can't control what the solution will look like, and the long term will depend on so many factors. But conversations like this one are where I get my picture of what I should be aiming for, if that makes sense. Until I read what I need to and I'm better informed about what Palestinians want this to look like.

#riki babbles

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iztarshi · 2 months

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I am curious besides rise what’s your opinion other on the other iterations of Raph? Since he’s my fav

87 Raphael is my favourite turtle of all, but it's hard to know where to start describing him. I just want to hold him out to people like "see?"

He's an outlier among Raphaels so people who usually like Raphaels don't always like him. He's the wise guy of the group and would always rather say something clever than something useful, but when he does say something useful it's usually a suggestion they don't run headlong into danger. He's verbally prickly, but physically affectionate, and although he's not the protector like some Raphs he does get latched onto by Donatello and Michelangelo sometimes just because he doesn't push people off. Michelangelo jumps into his arms when scared a few times and Raphael just stands there holding him for the rest of the scene.

I think Raphael vs the Volcano is a good episode for getting to know him. Raphael thinking he's dying due to a silly misunderstanding is a standard 90s TV plot, but the show takes it unexpectedly seriously once the set up is done. We see his cynicism as he tries to convince himself that the world is good and his life has been worth living only to fail due to New York's typical disregard for a loitering pedestrian. We see how his cynicism doesn't stop him wanting to save people when he decides that the world is terrible but he's at least going to make it better before he goes. We see his tendency to run from things, in this case from the emotional scene saying goodbye would be, since the misunderstanding continues due to him leaving notes instead of using his turtle comm. He's a little guy, he cares a lot, he's scared of a lot and doing his best anyway. Like other Raphaels he has more emotions than he knows how to handle.

03 Raphael is so nice. He wouldn't understand me saying that, which breaks my heart, but he is honestly such a sweet, polite teenager. He spends an episode doing chores for an old lady and is suprised and touched when she wants to see him again. When we see his worst nightmare it's his own face being behind Shredder's helmet. More than any Raph he seems to genuinely think he's bad. His temper is a lot for him to control and the part where he nearly hit Mikey with a pipe came off as if it might be a dissociative episode but he gets very little help with it. Despite his prickly reputation he's more often acting as emotional support for the others, especially when Leo's in an anxiety spiral.

He does have fun though! He's a Raph who really enjoys a fight and his "irritation" with Mikey is just a game.

My favourite bit of the Christmas episode was him and Angel pranking Casey with mistletoe because it's not often he really gets to act his age.

2012 Raph is maybe the prickliest Raph of all, combining 03's aggression with 87's sarcasm. He still manages to have the biggest, saddest green eyes when his brothers are upset and he can't do anything about it, though.

He comes off like an asshole in season one when he genuinely does seem to not like the other characters very much. Later this mellows a lot, to the point when I'm told he still regularly threatens to quit the team and storms off I'm not sure I believe it. Especially when it's never happened on screen before.

I don't think I have much to say about the movie Raphs. 90s Raph is good. 07 Raph needed to apologise to Donatello and not to Splinter, but that is a plot problem more than a problem with him. Batman Raph should not get to lecture Batman about being open with his family. I swear, of all the turtles XD

#I rambled so much #turtles turtles everywhere

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thekoopalingsandstuffs · 3 months

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>Morning, at the Broodals' house<

Spewart: "Oh for fudge sake-"

Rango: *Pops up* "What's wrong?"

Spewart: "We got an invitation..."

Hariet: "An invitation?? To what???"

Topper: "Oh, wow...! I forgot they were having a baby!!"

Hariet: "Oh my god!! We HAVE to go!!!"

Spewart: "Do we really, though?"

Rango: "Spewey... We know you're still sad over losing Dee... And we know going to this event will make you miss him more... But you should still go! This is the celebration of a new life!!! Is that not exciting to you??"

Spewart: "... Well..."

Hariet: "He probably thinks gender reveal parties are stupid 'cuz he's trans."

Spewart: !! "N-No???"

Topper: "Are you scared that they're going to do some huge over-the-top color-explosion that accidentally results in the whole kingdom getting engulfed in flames?"

Spewart: "Now I am...!!"

Spewart: "...... I'll look into it..."

Topper: "Be honest, bro. Why is it that you don't want to go?"

Spewart: "... I just, don't like Dieter's family..."

Hariet: "Why not??"

Spewart: "Well... Not them specifically, but... I mean... I know y'all liked Dieter, but even you guys have to admit, he was a bit... Rude!! And kinda spoiled, don't you think?? He was super homophobic, obnoxious... Annoying! Definitely not the best person out there!! I'm not the only one who sees it, right???"

Topper: "... Maybe, a teeeeeny bit..."

Spewart: "See?? Thank you, TOPPER! So... I just, don't understand how his parents can... LET that happen!! How they can watch and allow their son to turn into such a... Brat!"

Rango: "In their defense, they gave birth to Dee when they were still in high-school... You can't expect actual teenagers to be good parents!! They were OUR age! You wouldn't expect us to be good parents if we suddenly had babies right here, right now, would you...?"

Spewart: "... No... But... You understand what I'm trying to say, don't you?? Dieter's behavior came from SOMEWHERE. I don't think I want to meet the people responsible for raising him to be such a way. And I am genuinely TERRIFIED of what that new baby of theirs will become!"

Spewart: "... True... Hmm......"

Hariet: "How about you come with us, and after thirty minutes, or if you get uncomfortable—Whichever comes first—We can leave."

Spewart: "... Deal."

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paragonrobits · 6 months

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so some unhappy news; apparently my living situation is abruptly WAY more uncertain than I thought.

A couple days ago, after spending thanksgiving at my dad's place, he apparently messaged my brother and told him that he and his wife (who have been married for quite a long time, since I was living on the street with my mom) are getting a divorce and they can't afford to pay for our apartment, which until this point had been mostly paid for by my monthly income plus a few hundred dollars from them. Evidentally they can't or won't make our rent payment for next month; at the moment its still unclear.

He's telling my brother to get a job, and my brother is trying to explain to him that he has been trying but even if he got one right now he wouldn't get a paycheck in time to make rent.

So, that's the broad strokes. Some more specific wrinkles are here.

Right before we left, we spent about a night with them and things were fine. No one was arguing and things were perfectly okay, so I have no idea why this suddenly came up. Indeed, the previous night my dad's wife was talking to my brother about how they could only afford to pay until May of next year, which was simply went the lease ended and I have NO IDEA what is going on. Did things abruptly change over the SINGLE NIGHT since then??

We're not sure if this is genuine or if they're just trying to do scare tactics to spook my brother into job hunting and take up a job that he really doesn't want to do or is mentally distressing for him. For what its worth I've seen posts on my dad's facebook about feeling alone so it probably IS genuine, to some degree, but he's not answering any comments and is being frustratingly vague.

My brother made a facebook post mentioning the situation (though not the divorce) in vague terms and asked for help from family to host us. My dad immediately asked him to take it down and just said 'we'll discuss it later' so I have no idea what's going on. I'm ASSUMING he'll make some kind of arrangement but in the short term i have no idea what's going on or what we will end up doing. Mostly I'm just getting extremely incensed about him not saying anything until the last minute, as its the 26th as I write this and rent is due on the 1st or 3rd of the month (probably the 1st).

I think my best chance in the short term is first trying to find a friend of my brother's or family willing to at least hold onto our stuff, since we recently got more of our stuff in here right before this went down and we need some place to store it all. Then we need to find family to host us for the interim and figure things out from there, and it would probably be a good idea to get onto Section 8 for the time being, though that will take time to process if they even accept me, let alone my brother as well.

Mostly worried about my cat. While I am greatly concerned for my computer, which was a gift from my brother's friend I cannot replace (both of our computers were made with high grade things that we certainly couldn't get for ourselves) but while we can't carry them around with us, it shouldn't be hard to find someone to hold onto them for us. I'm more concerned about my cat's well being, since I refuse to be separated from her or given the choice of surrendering her. I'm more concerned for her than anything else.

Mostly just. What the fuck. Everything seemed fine before we left; no one was arguing, everyone was getting along, my dad's step-kids are all there and dependent on him (my oldest step-brother's wife is due to have a baby some time this coming month) and I don't have any idea why they're planning on separating. Just. WHAT THE FUCK.

If this is an elaborate mind game I am going to be pissed, if you wanted to tell my brother that you can't afford to keep paying for this apartment that's fine, just SAY SO. If its not then they're making some incredibly awful life decisions impacting other people.

if I'm not being particularly chatty for a while this is the reason why, things are getting complicated!!

#queued #personal

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allexthakatt · 2 years

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I am writing this as a small form of therapy lol. I may have projected a tad bit into the story due to my own personal life but it is still very much a X Reader one shot I promise.

This is also my entering to the #lovelylynnchallenge by @lovely-lynn-writes ! I love their work and I figured why the hell not?

-Please keep in mind I have been out of the writing game for a bit.-

PAIRING: SPENCER REID X PLUS SIZE! LATINA! FEM! READER

WARNINGS: SMUT! MINORS DNI!!! 18+ ONLY! A bit of family drama, the fear of thunderstorms, lightning, maybe mild angst if you squint?

Summary: Spencer and Y/n haven't really talked or connected before. But when a loud thunderstorm roars overs Quantico, Y/n struggles to keep her childish fear at bay. Who else to stay by her side than a sweet lanky FBI agent?

-----

Thunderstorms Are Scary, But You Make It Better.

It was getting pretty late by the time the jet arrived back at Quantico. At that point the team was glad to have made it back safe and sound given the angry looking clouds surrounding the building. Lightning was far in the distance and, though pretty far, Y/n can tell a pretty bad storm was coming their way.

The look on her face throughout the whole ride home was flat out proof of her uneasiness. She never liked thunderstorms. They always made her want to hide under the bed like a scared puppy all alone. No one seemed to really pay attention to her being uncomfortable. No one except Spencer.

Y/n and Spencer weren't really friends. But they weren't enemies either. They were simply coworkers. At first, Y/n had tried to make friends with him. Even going as far to bring him a brand new book she'd heart him talking about a few days prior. To no avail unfortunately.

It's not that Spencer didn't like her. In fact he liked her quite a lot. Often choosing to just enjoy her personality and humor from afar. It's simply because he was... Afraid. He knew from the start he'd develop something with her. A certain something he didn't want to think about anymore. Not after all he'd been through with so many women before her. He'd for sure crush on her. Truth be told, he already was. (Not that bed admit it.) There's no telling what might happen if he put himself in such a vulnerable state again. After what happened with Cat and then Max... It was best to just stay away.

But the way she looked tonight. The slight tremble she had when a thunder boom would get just just a bit louder than last time. The fear was building, slowly but surely there. The tough facade already cracking. Yet it seemed no one noticed her distressed state. Why? She was clearly uncomfortable, rubbing her thighs with the palm of her hands (something she'd probably had developed as a habit to help anxiety.) Not engaging as much in conversation as much, not even making eye contact anymore.

By the time they were all walking in the bullpen she was lagging behind, not really looking forward to drive in the weather. Spencer had seen enough to feel the need to do something. She wasn't a friend, but he wouldn't be able to relax at home knowing he didn't at least offer.

"Do you maybe want to ride together?" The question came out of the blue, especially from Spencer. She wasn't about to turn down company in the storm though. "Uhm, sure. But I live a little ways away, I wouldn't want to be putting you out of your way." Spencer shook his head, "You wouldn't be. It seems a pretty nasty storm is on the way, and I saw you pretty nervous on the jet. I just want to make sure you get home safely."

He noticed? Y/n genuinely thought Spencer wants nothing to do with her. Confusion on her face, "Are you absolutely sure?" Not wanting any regrets from him. "Absolutely. I can even drive if you'd want." She shook her head, "No no no, I think I'm okay enough to drive. Thank you though. But how are you going to get back home?"

The elevator opens for them after Spencer pushes the button. "Oh I usually take public transportation. I don't use my car much." They reach the lobby as Y/n pulls out her keys. "You can just sleep on the couch. I don't want you going on the subway in weather like this. If that's okay with you?"

He'd thought of the situation, it would be nice not having to go back out in the rain. With his go bag and satchel as they were quite heavy for the long journey. No harm in just a night, right?

The car right was silent for the most part, aside from the calm music coming from the radio. Y/n was just trying not to look at the ominous lightning that seems most definitely closer than earlier. Spencer was trying not to focus on Y/n.

The storm was coming in heavy pellets when they finally walk through the door. Spencer looks around and sees what he can only describe as Y/n. Vintage vinyl records framed with the album cover right beside it. A fairly big TV with an Xbox and a few games and controllers scattered around. At the center of the wall was a guitar, one that she'd most definitely cherished. It was dusted, in pristine condition. With an autograph on near the bottom.

"Steve Harris." She said. Spencer turned to her, a confused look spreading across his features. "The autograph on the guitar. I see you eyeballin' it. Steve Harris signed it back in 2012. He's a guitarist in Iron Maiden." She had a smile on her lips, remembering the day she met her heroes. He nods slowly, "Is Iron Maiden a band?"

She giggles slightly, finding it cute and yet not surprising he'd never heard of them. "Yea they are. A heavy metal band formed in the 80s and still going strong today. My favorite band actually." She took off her shoes and jacket, about to go change.

"The bathroom is right over there, if you wanna get into something more comfortable than a suit. I'll be right back, I'm gonna get in jammies myself." She walked away and he notices how she said 'jammies' instead of just 'pajamas'. another cute little quirk she has he finds himself thinking about often. Her personality is very confident, yet her demeanor is often times shy and reserved. She never really talked about her family or childhood. He guesses there's a story as to why.

"Okay, I'm back. Do you want some tea or water? I don't have any coffee but I can do hot cocoa if you'd like." She made her way to the kitchen to prepare storm tea for herself. "Just tea is fine, thank you. I'll be right back."

The tea is brewing as he leaves to change. She'd never thought he'd actually be here in her house; Spencer of all people; this late at night. Perhaps there was just a misunderstanding between them and she'd just assumed he didn't like her. She gets along so well with everyone on the team but when it comes to Spencer, she freezes up. Afraid to say the wrong thing.

The storm is right above them, making Y/n more on edge than ever. They're both on the couch lightly chatting as a massive bout of thunder booms, sending Y/n practically jumping into Spencer's arms. And just as luck would have it, the power goes out.

Sitting in Spencer's lap in the dark was a lot more sensual than she'd thought. Of course how wouldn't it be, though, right? Especially when Spencer finds her so damn attractive. Y/n quickly stands up, still scared from the thunder and flustered from being in Spencer's arms.

Y/n lights a few candles in the living room, navigating her home with her phone flash light. She also opens a window because, while also being terrified of thunder, she loves the rain itself.

"Is this okay? I can close it if you want. I just like the rain." She sits down with her tea near the window. "That's fine. But I'm assuming you don't like the thunder though, right?" He sits beside her with his own tea. "I really don't. I never have. In fact as a child I'd hide under the table and cry when it'd be this loud. My mother always said it was fine not to worry so much, never believed her though."

She smiled lightly and looked down. It wasn't a smile you'd do thinking of your mom, though. And Spencer noticed. "How come you don't really talk about your family?" It came out too fast, and he'd regretted it immediately. "I'm sorry if that was a little forward. You don't have to answer if you really don't want to." To which Y/n thankfully replied "Don't worry about it. I'm not sure why I don't talk about them. I just.. Don't I guess."

She fiddles with her nails, another habit she'd developed to help anxiety. "I don't really talk to them much anymore. Not my siblings anyway. We don't really get along, never really have. I'm not like them, thank God. And they have a pretty petty problem with who I've become. It's that things are better if we don't talk anymore." The darkness only adds to the silent environment. "My mom usually sides with them, but my dad always just did his best. He's the one that actually took me to the concert where I got that guitar."

That makes sense. That guitar isn't just a fan memoir, it's a memory with the one person in her family she felt safe with. Spencer put it all together. Music was probably a way to ease her pain when nothing else did; an escape for her, just as books were an escape for him. Then when her dad took her to see her favorite band and even meet the band themselves, it meant much more to her than just a simple autograph on a guitar. That's why it's so taken care of, in the center of living room where she sees it every day. It's her most prized possession.

"Do you still talk with your father?" He wanted to learn more. He'd never really had a family, his mother having episodes more frequent than not and an absent father made it hard to feel like he had one at all.

"Occasionally, I call as often as I can, what with all the cases. He's still the same old fire chief he was back then. Out of all of them my dad's the only one that really kept a bond with me." She takes another sip of tea, trying not to really think of her broken family life. Y/n didn't really want to bore Spencer with her sob story of how her siblings practically despise her and her mother doesn't like her.

Spencer takes a risk, a pretty big one at that. He lightly puts a hand on her own. To his surprise Y/n take his hand in hers, awkwardly holding it avoiding eye contact.

Eventually her curiosity takes over. "Why don't you ever talk to me? Or.. Do you not really like me?" She still avoided eye contact, her shyness showing through the tough exterior. Spencer doesn't really know how to respond. Is he honest? Tell her that he's just a damaged boy with lots of trauma but still really likes her? Or lie and say... What would he even say? No lie could sound better than the actual truth so... Why not just tell her?

"I actually really like you, Y/n. I've been through a lot. Especially when you first came on the team, I wasn't really ready for a new friend. And by the time I realized what a wonderful person you were, it was already too late." He scoots just a bit closer. Close enough to hold her hand more securely than before.

Nothing could really prepare for that. She doesn't know what she was expecting, but she wasn't expecting that, that's for sure. Deciding to take it a tiny step further; "Everyone deserves seconds chances." Looking up to see him already staring in her eyes.

Her eyes were so pretty. He could stare at them for as long as she'd let him. And her lips. Her lips were so plump, so ready for the taking. Practically begging for him to inch closer, so he does.

He inches just a bit closer, seeing her pupils dilate just a little. Enough for him to see a difference. "Do I get a second chance, Y/n?" They were centimeters apart, her heart beating as loud as the thunder outside. (Which she had all but forgotten about in the moment.) Seeing him so close to her, the only light in the room being a few candles and the occasional lightning shining through the open window, and his pupils just as darkened as hers were. How could she say no?

"Of course you do." He leaned in and closed the gap, gently gripping her face with his free hand and he kisses her with all the passion that's been building up all this time.

She leans into the kiss, hands around his neck inching closer to the roots of his hair begging to be pulled. He tasted like tea and honey, a small hint of peppermint. His scent made her body burn, nothing she could really explain. It was just... Him. A hint of cologne and a but if aftershave, but it was him. And he was all over her.

Hands started to roam her frame. Too long had he imagined how she'd feel underneath him, every curve and dip waiting to be explored by him. She was so soft, so delicate, so fucking irresistible he had to get to know every inch and remember it for a later night.

She fell back onto the couch, bringing him with her. He lay between her thighs, gripping him in place and keeping him there. Where he belongs.

God... He thinks. How could she already feel so good? He knows she could probably feel how hard he is already through her thin shorts, and oh was he right.

She felt him, all right, and holy shit. He was big. Bigger than what she'd originally thought. Not too thick, but long indeed. Long enough to get the job done, she assumes. Hopefully, she doesn't have to wait too long to find out.

Without realizing it Spencer starts mindlessly grinding against her. Needing some type of friction to ease aching in his groin, begging to be released with the beautiful woman he has under him. Her breath is becoming more erotic, wanting him so much closer than where he is. She can hear little grunts from him, and decides she needs to hear more.

His hands are grabbing at whatever they can get (mostly her thighs) so tight she's sure she'll have some marks on her in the morning. Not that she really minds, though.

"Spen-Spencer.. Please.." She was hot and heavy, feeling like she was about to snap if he didn't get inside her soon. "Tell me what you want, baby." He needed to hear her say it. Straight up how much she needs him.

"Spencer.. Fuck me."

He didn't need to be told twice; he sits up, slowly lowering his pants to tease her just a bit more. Two can play that game, Y/n sits up slightly, undoing the buttons of her shirt even slower than he. Making sure to look right into his eyes. He's staring right back, anticipation building up, and the last button is finally gone as is his pants.

Spencer didn't want to waste any more time not being inside her. He practically rips off her shorts and panties, keeping in mind where they land for later, knowing she'll need them again. Spencer leans down again, his hands cupping both breasts and pushing his face between them. This, he thought, is what heaven is.

She tugs on his shirt and before long that's gone too. Her hands roam and touch at anything she can reach, but before she can explore further, he pushes her back.

"Are you sure you want this? We can stop now, Y/n." He didn't want any hesitation, he needed to know this is what she wants. That he's what she wants. "Yes, baby. I want this. I want you."

She gives him another kiss, except this one felt more... passionate. She wanted him in every single way, any way he'll allow her.

As their tongues fight to dominance, he slides into her, she's so dripping wet already he's not surprised he can go in so smoothly.

He's finally fully in, and she has to break the kiss to let out the sexiest sound he's ever heard. She feels so good, so beautifully wet and the best part is, it's all for him.

"Ugh, fuck baby... You so wet for me, huh?" He does a little thrust, emphasizing the sound it makes. "O-oh, Spencer.. Fuck.. All for you baby. Only for you." Her grip on his shoulders tighten and her breathing increases. Spencer can't think of anything but her. Beautiful, sexy, special Y/n.

His thrusts becoming more rhythmic, and the sounds coming from both her and him are absolutely sinful. Y/n tries to focus, attempting to commit this all to memory. She hopes this isn't a one time thing, but if it is, she wants to remember every minute of this.

One hand grips her thigh and the other gets tangled in her hair, loving the way her body feels against his. The moans coming from her mouth making it difficult for him to keep it together, and she's having the same problem.

"Ugh! Fuck, Spencer I'm so close..!" He's hitting that perfect spot, that perfect angle and it's about to send her over the edge.

"Cum for me baby. Let me know just how good I'm making you feel." His grips tighten and so does her stomach. The moans are getting louder now, Y/n no longer having the mental capacity to keep herself in check.

"Ack...! Fuck! Spencer!" She didn't have to tell him, he knew, and fuck did she look good. Her head tilts back, giving him the perfect opportunity to leave little marks, claiming her as his.

He can feel himself get closer to that same high. "Where do you want me to cum, baby?" He'd cum anyway she'd wanted, but she had to tell him soon before it spills into her.

"I-I'm on the pill baby.. But you can pull out if you want to. I've never had someone cum on me before." She pulled him even closer, kissing his neck and pulling on his hair. That was it, his orgasm coming full force as he loses his composure. "Oh fuck, Y/n!" He pulls out, spilling over her hips and abdomen.

They lay there like that for a couple minutes more, not wanting to leave each other's embrace quite yet. Until Spencer sits up lightly and leaves a kiss on Y/n's forehead.

"Let me get you a towel, darling." He gets up to go to the bathroom. Leaving Y/n laying with a smile on her face.

When he returns with the towel he leans down to clean her up. Wiping away all evidence of him off of her. She sits up, reaching for her shirt and putting it back on.

"I didn't even realize, the storm has passed." They both let out a laugh, thank it wasn't awkward now that they'd been intimate.

Now that they were sitting together again, fully clothed once again, Spencer spoke up. "Would you like to go on a real date with me? I'd like to get to know you. The real you."

She smiles at him, "Spencer, I'd love to."

------------------

Should I do a tag list? I know I don't update much, but if that's something you'd wanna be a part of let me know!

Enjoy! Baiii! 🥰

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer x reader #lovelylynnchallenge

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bellusamauwu · 2 years

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Moonshine Mob Headcanons?? (A kinda long post)

• The Spider Mobster, reffered to as "Gadget" despite it not being his real name, was an inventor before joining the mob, hence the nickname. When he was a kid he found comfort in creating, so he got pretty passionate about it and this distracted him from his loneliness (this kinda came with a huge lack of sleep sometimes, it was when he got married that he stopped with those nocturnal shifts). Though of course, he still creates stuff nowadays. Those bombs in Bootlegger Boogie? All his. He makes them the most because they are pretty useful for the missions and because many of his creations ended up blowing up back in the day.

The Snail once took notice of his inventions and tried to steal from him, then negotiate... But when Gadget refused at first it almost got him killed, though Lightbug saved him from drowning. And since she had previously fooled him due to her following orders from the mob, it took him a while to trust her again. Some time later he and Mr. Moonshine talked things out peacefully and he ended up joining him and of course, getting the hand of his beloved. Everyone might be scared, intimidated by his presence but he's actually very kind and loving, you just have to get to know him well.

• The Caterpillar, Carl/Clyde (I am still a bit undecisive with the name, I'm sorry-) is actually from a wealthy family, but since he's a late bloomer, his parents always looked down on him for that. He and Gadget knew each other when they were younger and once the inventor decided to start his business, he took his friend with him and they started living together. The change of life helped the Caterpillar a lot, even though he still is very anxious from time to time. He also doesn't eat very much, yet he reprimended Gadget for not sleeping enough, "I'll sleep when you eat more" is what the spider always responded.

The reason why he ended up in the mob was for his speed and stealth, although he works best by following plans, he is not good at improvising... And for Gadget of course, because he's pretty much one of the few people who has looked after him genuinely. He may be a cinnamon roll but he can be a bit of a whacko as well, also... He is the kind of people not to get angry, but beware if he does.

• As for the Lightbug Lady, Lucille... She worked for Marvin Moonshine from a very young age, since her family was attacked by frogs. Due to growing up without any example she doesn't know how to fly and is terribly ashamed of it, so if someone ever asked she would try to avoid the topic (Gadget asked her directly once and it didn't end up too well). Most of her role in the mob was to simply seduce men in order to fool them or steal. In fact that's how she knew Gadget.

Moonshine knew about the young inventor's work and was kneen of it, but he knew the spider wouldn't want to cooperate in such business... So he planned on stealing them. In order to make things work, Lucille went to Gadget and Carl asking them for a daytime job, and even though the spider wasn't sure if they could pay her enough, Carl didn't think it was a bad idea since having a maid could help Gadget relax a bit (and she also insisted because the money wasn't what worried her). So in the daytime she worked for them and in the nightime she took part in a cabaret show, and she enjoyed the second one greatly because she had always been very fond of music.

Getting back to the stealing plan... She failed. But when Marvin almost got rid of the Spider for rejecting his business deal, she was quick to go and try to save him, realizing what she had contributed to. It's funny because it was Gadget who liked her at first, but she realized her own feelings after the accident (the following was a hard time and Carl knew they had feelings for each other the whole time, but helped Lucille sometimes despite not trusting her fully, because he knows to forgive and wanted the best for his friend.). Speaking of the latter, thanks to their cooperation they grew a strong bond! They like to dance together sometimes.

• Marvin Moonshine is probably the second oldest after the Anteater, whom he knew when he was smaller. They were pretty close, but the Snail he became ambitious and wanted to see the world, so they ended up separating for a while... But that didn't go well for him because his character became a bit more sour. He became unfriendly, greedy and swallowed. Marvin had a lot of charisma however, which led him to be a well-known businessman, and his great talk took him places. He adopted Lucille when she was still young and homeless. He though he really never fully treated her like a daughter, but he soon indoctrinated her on the subject of business, deception, and smuggling. He also welcomed a trio of flies that later became his minions, although they were quite unruly at first.

Marvin usually tried to get rid of those who opposed him, but his plans began to sink once Gadget was involved. With Lucille falling for the spider and disobeying, he began to have it harder to get away with his plans. But after some time he sorted things out with everyone and began to be a little nicer, specially with his childhood friend back around.

• Anton/Arnold had a pretty much normal life, he has always been kind of a rascal but he's loyal and kind hearted deep down. He knew Marvin when they were little but once they grew up they went separate ways, until one day he heard a cry for help and the first thing he saw at his door then was a lightbug carrying an injured spider on her back. Of course, he helped them and took them back to where they used to be since they got lost.

The Anteater, unlike his Snail friend, is much more easy going and usually goes around telling bad jokes- And that gets on Marvin's nerves more than often, but they still love each other no matter how much they can argue. Speaking of the boss, he was happy to know that his old friend was still out there, but what he didn't expect is that he would be involved in such a nasty business. However he accepted to help and act as some sort of bodyguard for Marvin, as well as being the "secret weapon" (specially if there are ants involved).

#moonshine mob #headcanons #cuphead delicious last course #this is provisonal so some things might be changed!#i hope you enjoy them overall and sorry for the long post LMAO

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lullaebies · 7 months

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Hey, I have been reading your genderbent Helaegon fic for a while and just came across a post on r/Citadel with someone confused by a certain plot beat. I was wondering if you could elaborate on that said plot beat and the characters' reactions.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheCitadel/comments/16spr4k/few_questions_to_anyone_who_have_read_the/

You know, I've been told about this post before, and I didn't dare to look because I was kind of scared it was super flamey, but honestly the person seems to ask this genuinely so I feel better lmao. Obviously, I did not answer the post myself because I don't want to be a a mean writer to a reader by any means, but since you gave me the platform I will give my very extensive answer. I am REALLY sorry for the length, but this really has a lot to do with the fic's themes and extensive lore so like 😓

I will preface this by saying the overarching theme of this is for you to see that the incest marriage tradition messes with family dynamics, makes the two siblings very confused, and adds a layer of struggle to a marriage. Aerea and Rhaegal are a romantic pair in the story, but they didn't choose each other at the beginning. They didn't get to, and they have to learn to see each other as husband and wife and learn to trust each other throughout the story so at least in some manner, they'll choose each other metaphorically later on.

At the beginning of this story, they are in a marriage situation. Not quite an actual marriage. They are forced into marrying each other because Aerea had been playing around with other guys beforehand and marrying them together was an easy fix to it, and they learned to internalize it as such - just a situation they ended up in and they can continue to act normally as they have in it.

Those of you who read Flower of the Field know that Rhaegal has known Aerea has been dallying with men since the very beginning (mind you, she's not nearly as much of a whore as Aegon II is - she doesn't have that liberty as a woman. She can count her actual sexecapdes on one hand, the rest is just flirting and society giving her the rep of a whore). As a meeker younger brother (who mind you - is thirteen when he gets to the altar, likewise implied to be on the spectrum and to put lables on it - is demisexual), Rhaegal was not there to take his mantle as an actual husband at the point of the marriage. He was not interested in it, he cared for Aerea as a sister alone then. She's not even particularly nice to him at this point, so he lets her do what she gotta do and he can continue being in his own world for the most part. That's none of his business, he wants to chill in his garden and his bugs.

Then she gives birth to their children (That he knows she actively chose to give to him, because she had to stop with moon tea, seeing other people, and with going out the city to party for a year), and he can really, really see her attempting to be protective and less self-centered while she's struggling with intense post-partum. He loves his children very much and he further grows to like Aerea better because really, she's not doing anything to hurt him intentionally. There is a slightly warmer tone between them since they became parents and while she can be condescending she's not mean to him, at the very least not intentionally. There are tinges where they see each other as husband and wife but it's still so muddled and they cannot trust it fully. Aerea struggles herself in discerning if he likes her or not, so she assumes he doesn't, and who can blame her? It's what she's used to. When the cheating bit happens in chapter 5, there Rhaegal is not ready to break out of their routine. He likes her more but he himself wouldn't be sure if it's familial or romantic love, they have a comfortable status quo. Furthermore, neither one owes the other fidilety when they never asked each other of it (Aerea wouldn't have place to complain if Rhaegal cheated on her as well, btw. He's just not interested in it - as I said, demisexual). So he accepts it, he doesn't see it as a slight, and carries on. Ryland who she almost cheats on him with is obviously shocked about it, but sibling marriages are weird anyway, and he realizes he fucked up a bit so he tries to make it up by offering to take Rhaegal to the city to drink and party. Aerea saw Ryland as a pretty fling (and was immediately disgusted by his groveling lmao) but Rhaegal chose to extend a hand as a friend, making a bad situation into and opportunity. This has to do with the theme of kindness and mercy make the tides change for better days. Also, important note - just because Rhaegal saw Aerea and Ryland together doesn't mean everyone knows about it. Aerea is considered a 'whore' because of prior rumors from before she gave birth.

In the arc I'm currently writing, you start seeing them react to each other now that they're more involved with each other romantically. Now there is yearning on Aerea's part to be seen as a wife that deserves her husband (because she's very aware the way she conducted herself beforehand makes her a horrible wife and she regrets it, and if Rhaegal was any other man she knows she'd end up flogged) while tackling her own fears in other realms. Rhaegal on his part is older, more aware and more attached to the marriage and her so he will act accordingly. You will get more details to their change in dynamics in the coming chapters and arc, and I think then you'll be more satisfied with how he feels and wants to be taken seriously in his relationship and outside of it.

All in all, this story is attempting to have a realistic (and yet extremely optimistic) take on how troubled teen siblings take on being married. It comes with struggles, with sibling dynamics that will linger in the relationship, and it comes with Rhaegal and Aerea being vulnerable with one another, and changing their relationship from people who were forced upon one another to people who chose each other and can communicate the fact they want each other. No more cheating from chapter 5 forward, I assure you, but I think it is important to acknowledge the struggles of a forced marriage, the coping in it, and the struggles of the characters in it to fully accept it. When they learn they're stronger together, it would mean so much more to them, after all.

#again I’m sorry for the length #but it is really important for me to not act as if their situation is regular #they struggle and struggle because there are so many difficulties in the targ royal incest life that go undetected under targ propaganda #i want them to have the agency to choose each other too in this story #ty for giving me a place to talk about it anon #answered #fanfic: the protector of the realm #also i had to post it through my phone bc my inbox wouldn't let me so sorry for formatting problems!

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leaf-in-a-flower-garden · 10 days

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Hi! So this post will be going into how I've been coping with soon-to-be tragedies in my family so if you aren't able for that, please, don't bother . I really only made this post to vent.

A couple weeks ago I came across this game on Nintendo store called 'Spiritfarer', and thought ,"hey that looks cool, and there's a demo! Sure I'll try it!" And lo and behold, I loved it, so I bought the actual game and played it.

Until I began interacting with the fan base, I didn't really understand the solemn message of the game, which is grief, and moving on. It is about guiding spirits to the afterlife after completing requests for them, it goes a lot deeper than that once you get into the lore side of things, but that's what it is in simple terms.

I got this game during a difficult period, a period I am still in actually. Which is, my grandmother is dying of stomach cancer. As well as my Great-aunt slowly fading away after a horrible, horrible, stroke she experienced over a year ago now. Not to mention, one of my older cousins got diagnosed with cancer, again, after being clear for a few years after fighting a different cancer for over 20 years, it's back somewhere else.

So a lot has been going on for me, funeral planning, most specifically . And a stressed family and mother.

One of the characters in the game is called Alice, I'll try not to go too in-depth about her story, but she began to experience dementia before we brought her to the Everdoor (afterlife). Misremembering and simply not remembering. That's happening to my grandmother, right now, she is experiencing the first stages of Alzheimer's. It's really sad, she is saying things that people did and said that didn't happen, and it's causing problems because what she's saying is really bad, 'you can't just say they did that' kind of bad. She is withering away and I just have to see her go, I know she's happy, end of life care in a beautiful hospice, genuinely a very nice place with very nice people.

And I guess it just hasn't really properly been processed in my head that she's dying, that this is the end of her life, yet ., because when she was just in the hospital, I could say, "no its grand. She'll be out soon, in her house, she'll be grand." But she won't be. She's 93, dying of stomach cancer which has spread to her liver. And she's in so much pain.

She's also tired. For the first bit, in the hospital and hospice, she had energy, she was exhausted yes, but she could stay awake, she could talk to us and not have to shut her eyes. Now she does . She doesn't realise people have visited purely because she slept through their visits. And my grandmother, who used to stay up till 1a.m. in the morning, even when my mam and aunts and uncles were kids, now sleeps at 12. She's dying, fading away and we can't do a thing to stop it.

She isn't even on death's doorstep, she is in his house, havin a cuppa, probably complaining about her husband, my grand-da, that I never got to meet. She would never say 'gone too soon', instead she'd find a way to give out to him beyond the grave, "should've given up those fags (cigarettes) when I told him to, he'd be here and I could berate him here and not at his grave," she said once. It was quite surreal for her to say that, because his death was kind of ironic. He smoked so much, when he began to feel unusual pains, he was scared he had lung cancer and was too afraid to visit the doctor about it, didn't want a diagnosis. But if he did go to a doctor, even a week earlier, he wouldn't have died of an aortic aneurysm.

There still wouldn't have been a chance for me to meet him mind you, it's his funeral where my parents met, I wouldn't have been born without him dying.

I also have just been kind of processing everything, it sounds mean, but right now, almost everyone in my close vicinity is hoping she dies before my Junior Cert, which is only about 3 weeks away. Not for her to be gone, god forbid, but so that I have the time to be wailing over her death, and it not affect my exams. Either way, she made it to May, which is what we were all hoping for. It's a silly thing in my family, regarding my Great-aunt and Grandma die in May, there'll be, what, 7 deaths in May now? We don't doubt this'll be the month, because now my Grandmother, she doesn't have much to fight for, she's at peace with that she's dying, she's lived a long life, experienced so much, why wouldn't she be ready? At first she wasn't, no one is I don't think, but some people resign to it, being their fate, my Grandmother, my amazing Grandmother, hasn't 'resigned' to it though, she is okay with it, she's okay.

She is okay.

But I'm really not. Because this is this, including my cousin, is the 6th person on my mother's side of the family to get cancer, and possibly die in my cousin's case, in the last 4 generations. It doesn't seem like much, but it was 3 of my Great-grandparents that died from cancer, the other one stroked. I'm not sure about my father's family history, his biological family isn't his family so he doesn't have much of an idea either. But, with so much cancer in the family, and the possibility that more will arise, scares me. I'm scared I will be the 'more will arise' because I don't want to die from cancer, I've seen what it does to you, your very self, and I just wouldn't be able to stand it. Everything is making me so scared, before I've even dawned my already planned funeral clothes for the already decided and sorted funeral. I'm scared, and I'm sad.

And that's where Stella, the SpiritFarer comes in. She upon, looking into lore, is experiencing her own journey of acceptance during the game, revealing that this is her on death's row and she's dying of a terminal illness after facing many hardships. I may not be in that situation now, but that could be me, my life flashing before my eyes, tainted by my fantasy driven mind.

I had a dream, the other night, that I was her, and instead of a base game spirit I was rowing to the Everdoor, it was my Grandmother. I dreamt that she was telling me all those stories she never got to, about the Troubles, Éamonn De Valera, and how he was a shite Taoiseach, she'd tell me about how it was like to read the newspaper and hear what was going on in the North. She'd tell me about my Grandfather, and how my Mam was like when she was young, "the spitting image of you (literally, it's really creepy)". She'd tell me jokes and rant about her stupid, but ultimately wonderful husband, who she'd spend everyday with just the same. She'd give me advice on cooking, sewing, everything, encourage me to learn new skills and become a plumber and "fix the bleedin' house before I was dying!". And all of a sudden, we were at the Everdoor, I'd help her stand up, with her beautiful cane, and I say goodbye.

It was a vivid dream, and I can tell it was my subconscious guilt tripping me, rightfully, about how I never spent enough time with her, I never listened to her stories, had her teach me something, play the piano in her living room like all my cousins could do, how I couldn't grow up fast enough to show her that she could be proud of me.

I know I'm young, kids are stupid and most kids reach adulthood before their grandparents die, and learn to appreciate them., but mine didn't, she's the last one and she's 93 and dying as I write this. Everyone is always so shocked to hear that a 15 year old has a 93 year old Grandmother, 40 year old cousins, uncles twice that and aunts close. But that just was my life, and I didn't get the privilege my older cousins had to live with my Grandmother, or to buy a house and show photos to her, bring my kid over or whatever, I won't get the chance to do that before she dies. Even now, I can't just visit, and if I were to, she wouldn't know, she's asleep right now I bet you.

So yeah, tragedy is becoming a big thing in my family at the moment and I am procrastinating on actually figuring that out in my head, because thinking too deep causes a lot of tears and I'm dehydrated enough as is. It's horrible because my literal Junior Cert is only like 3 weeks away and all this stress isn't helping and I just can't bring myself to study so I'm just gonna be a failure, I won't even be able to prove myself to her when she dies at this rate.

Moral of the story, love your Grandparents, talk to them and learn from them because you have the privilege others don't have at all.

#vent post #long vent #long text #text post #grieving #a lot #before it even happens... magic #*sighs*#i might just die #it isnt even lookng good for me or the future of everthing #i just want to see Beetleguice supernova #and ill die happy /serious #spiritfarer has been a big help to this #spiritfarer

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lazzies123 · 3 months

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I Wish

Ah, it's happening again. God. I am so tired of pretending to be okay. In my writings here, I always tried to give good endings. How I wish this could make me feel better. This is so deceiving. God, after all this time, I am not okay.

Honestly, I do not really know what I want. I wish I could care about my family more. "My family is the reason why I'm holding on," I said to myself. The truth is, I wish my family could do more for me. Everything has been so disappointing. I am mad, but I know being mad is not going to help. God, I wish I were not so angry all the time.

A good friend once told me, "You used to be so cool to hang out with." That was in my third year of junior high school. At that time, I was not sure what changed, but now I know. I changed after my mom passed away. I remember my teacher and classmates came to my house to mourn my mother's death. I was only 14 back then. In front of my classmates, I did not cry. The teacher, however, I think she knew I was very sad that day. She tried to comfort me. I smiled at her and said, "Thank you. I am okay now." That was probably the first time I lied to myself. I lied and said I was okay. Deep inside, I was so hurt. My mom. She was the best family, parent, friend, and supporter in my life. No matter how dumb I was, she always supported me. After she was gone, I was so afraid. I was scared of this world. What should I do if someone hurt me? I used to tell my mom everything. She always gave me gentle smiles. Whenever she smiled, even though she did not say anything, it made me feel safe. I knew she would always be there when I messed something up. After she was gone, this world became a lonely place. I had to face the fact that I was alone. Ever since that day, I kept lying to myself.

Did you know? After experiencing something so painful, you could not tell the difference between happiness and sadness anymore. It wouldn't matter if you were happy or sad. You'd smile. You'd deceive yourself and try to laugh it off. You'd become someone nice, so nice that you wouldn't want to share your pain with anyone else. Even though it hurt, you'd say "Haha," and everyone would think you were alright. It's so tiring, isn't it? You just don't want anyone to know that you're not okay because you know no one is going to save you. No one is going to help you. The help you need, the someone you truly care about, is no longer here. She was gone. I guess this is what I am feeling right now. People cannot really tell whether I am happy or not, whether I am okay or not. This is so painful. If you feel the same way as I do, I guess we share the same pain. I guess that was why we could get along so well. We were both hurt. We were surrounded by friends, but none of them was the one we were looking for. I was looking for you, and you were looking for me. We were so lonely, but together, we forgot about all that. We became less lonely. We forgot all the painful things. With you, I was so happy.

Recently, I've been a bad liar. I actually do not know why I am doing this. These writings, I don't even know if this will last 10 years. The me from the future would probably find his happiness and forget what happened here. Isn't it sad? The thought of you being forgotten by yourself. It sounded more painful than being forgotten by someone who cared about you. That thought alone has made me scared. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was.

God, after all this time. After what I've been through, I still cannot face the truth. Every night, I feel like screaming. This emptiness is so suffocating. I wish I could find something, someone genuine, to help me uncover my mask of lies. I am a miserable man, aren't I?

I know a good solution. I should try to reach out to my friends. However, what rights do I have? After so many times, I ditched my friends to catch butterflies. These butterflies, they kept flying away and never looked back. They did not even know I was right behind, trying to catch them.

I am a bad friend, aren't I? I wish I had treated my friends better. Perhaps, perhaps, I wouldn't be so lonely now. What do I get from catching butterflies? Nothing, and in the process, I've lost so many good friends.

God. Not too long ago, you met me with someone so perfect. We spent precious moments together. She accepted me for what I am. She listened to me. After getting to know her, my mind and my heart were set for her. Completely. I had regrets about ditching my friends, but for her, I'd do it over and over again. She was my everything.

However, she did not do the same thing, but I could understand. She did the right thing. She should not ditch her friends the way I did. If she wanted to spend time with her friends, she should do so. Again, this is another lie. I wish she could've spent time with me all the time. I wish to have her for myself. I am a terrible person, aren't I? I knew I was wrong. When I finally found someone so genuine, my ego was not ready. And once again, I messed it up.

God, she was truly my everything. She was my world. After learning the harsh truth, my world crumbled once again. I tried to convince myself that there must be a reason for this. I lied. The truth is, I love her so much. My heart, I am not ready to move on. God, she was the one I'd been looking for. With her, I forgot about painful things. Every time spent with her was happiness. I pushed her away so I could move on. It was also a lie. I did not want to move on. I love her so. She is so perfect. I wish things would work out between us.

God. I love her so. I love her so much.

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

Text

4/22/23

I'm technically still working, but I decided to come here and do this because... I got to sleep at like 7:30 AM last night. I can not get this shit off my mind. It keeps coming back.

I described it as like... when something that really upsets me happens, it's like a rock thrown in a pond, and emotional ripples just keep popping up every couple hours with lulls inbetween. And this one? This is a big one.

This one is... "if you have a problem? Either you're on your own or you check yourself into a mental institution." "It better be a fucking emergency." It flashes me back to dozens... hundreds of horrible moments. Surreal nightmare moments. Where I was scared for my life, and in several cases my life was actually in danger. Where I was alone and seeing scary things and afraid. And just wanted someone to talk to, to help me make sense of what to do. And I got fucking yelled at. And treated like fucking garbage. Like there was something wrong with me. Like I'm sick. Like I'm weak. Like I'm paranoid. Like I should pull up my fucking bootstraps and just grow thicker goddamn skin and be fucking smarter.

I'm clearly struggling to let it go. I was ranting to myself about it for about an hour in bed as the sun came up, I almost just said fuck it and stayed up. I distracted myself once I woke up. I think I had really vivid dreams too, can't remember. I struggled with yoga for a bit because it was like a fucking radio playing in my head ranting about how fucked up this all is, and "fuck people", and "why would I do anything for these selfish pieces of shit", "what's the point in meeting new people", "why would I ever give another person perspective if like... apparently we're not supposed to be doing that for each other as a society".

Like... am I genuinely supposed to assume that any moment where I'm scared means I'm having a mental health crisis? Like earlier today, I heard a man screaming at the top of his lungs in another apartment. Am I supposed to assume that it is in my head, that it didn't actually happen, and everyone is okay, and just pretend I didn't hear anything? If I start feeling sick, should I just assume I'm overstressed or imagining it and ignore it? I'm just so fucking frustrated about this. Like... I don't know anyone else who lives like this, man! Not even my family, and I'm the least paranoid person in my family. By a fucking long-shot!

He hit some of my big triggers, that's what it really was. The deep ones. Like... the fact that no one will support me, that my family doesn't do their fucking job as family, that my friends wouldn't do their job as friends... because of that, all that responsibility gets thrown onto me. To support myself. To care for myself. To give myself perspective... somehow... How.. fucking... isolating.

I remember when I was in this retreat place trying to get off of meds, you know... because my friends and family wouldn't check in on me to help me safely taper... so I had to check myself into a mental health clinic with 10 people over 10 years younger than me... and the woman who ran the place was on my ass because I wasn't socializing with people half my age. Because I was off doing my own thing a lot, and hanging out in my room. And she told me I was "isolating" and that it was a bad thing for me. Yet, not a single person in that place gave half a fuck about anything I was interested in at all. And they were super rude about it too. They just did whatever the fuck they wanted to do, talked about whatever the fuck they liked, played their music. Shoegaze and drag shows and weird reality shows that made me cringe and all that shit. They shit on all my interests, all my contributions, they made zero effort to get to know me as a person, to get to know what I like, even who I am or why I was there. They treated me like a stereotype of "adult straight white male", and were super prejudiced against me because of it. And I'm "isolating" by not spending time with people who literally barely know who the fuck I am, and don't really seem to care. I was exiled, because I was different. And I let them have their "W", I have plenty of experience in that field, and I just went business as usual without going crying to staff about how mean everyone was being.

See, I just keep going careening down memory lane. All the times when I was scared out of my mind, or being unfairly cast aside, by myself, just wanting nothing more than someone to just... be a goddamn friend. And being rejected, having no one left to even call, or worse... being yelled at and told how me asking for company and support was a problem for them. It's so dark. It makes me scared of people.

Like... how can you see someone you've known for years be scared out of their mind, super confused, alone, just trying to make sense of their situation so they can plot a safe path forward... and roll your fucking eyes at them. How detached from empathy can you be to get to that state?

I have to keep reminding myself that these people probably have never been alone to the degree that I have. They've probably never seen a full week of zero contact with other people. They've probably never been in a thunderstorm alone with the power out by themselves, with no cell service. They've probably never seen a disturbing horror movie and laid in bed alone in the dark for hours jumping at every creak of the old house, wanting nothing more than to just have someone to distract them, but if they even text a friend, they are going to be told how disrespectful and intrusive they are being by even texting.

I have to also remember that... my therapist wasn't saying this. He misunderstood what I was saying, as though I was planning to spam-text a stranger at 3AM every day because I'm hearing people walk down the hallway. And he's right, that's a great way to burn a bridge with a new friend. And I do not fault him for trying to protect me from that rejection and hypothetical conflict.

I've been doing really goddamn good with stuff like this. The usual cabin fever stuff. The creaks and shadows, the sounds from other apartments, the ghostly afterimages of my cat which have bittersweetly faded over time. It really doesn't bother me that much, not nearly as much as it has in times passed. I think it only would become surreally upsetting if I were super sleep deprived or if I were high, I could definitely see that happening. It was just that leg thing. The trauma-related stuff.

Oh, here's the funny part. So I looked up the number he gave me, the mental health line. And there's a note on it that says "In case of medical emergency, call ______". XD So... if I'm having a crisis because I don't know if I'm having a medical trauma flashback or an actual medical emergency, and I don't want to waste medical resources... and then I look up this number and it tells me to not waste mental health resources with medical problems. I mean come on. I dive head-first into a feedback loop!

The part that's upsetting me in all of this is like... the core of the entire mechanism that's fritzing out in that moment is... I don't want to bother people with something that isn't an emergency. I don't want to cry wolf. I don't want to upset people. I don't want to waste peoples' time. And the exact thing my therapist was concerned about was... me wasting peoples' time and resources. And it just made me feel so... insulted, honestly. Meh, maybe that's not the right word. Misunderstood. Unknown. Like he really didn't understand what that moment was for me.

And he did tell me he thought it was a misunderstanding, so... just gotta ground myself there. It still really hurts. I try so hard to be super respectful and thoughtful every day. I try to be very quiet with my footsteps. I wear headphones all the time. I listen to music in the shower, but I try to keep it at a moderate level and I sound checked it a few times outside the bathroom door and it didn't seem too loud, and if one person complains, I will keep the volume lower. I don't skate in town at all anymore. I say please and thank you, and I mean it sincerely. I wish people a good day, and I mean it sincerely. I try not to take or ask for more than I need, I try to give back as much as I can afford. And it's like all that is for nothing.

Ugh. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

I wrote like 7 paragraphs to send to my therapist, clarifying what I felt and why, giving backstory, how it reminded me of my parents and shit. How like... I learned that my family upbringing wasn't healthy... how being like 6 and waking up from an existential nightmare screaming and bawling and having your mom just sorta sit on the bed next to you until you're done crying and then you go back to sleep is like... not normal. How it's okay to admit weakness and ask for support, and it's actually really important to do that. Things that were not taught in my family at all, in fact... much of the opposite was taught. And I was exiled from my family for being "needy", for seeking emotional support in a time of need. And I was going to send that message to him... and the new messaging system had a character limit. Yeah...

So... I told him... I didn't feel comfortable spamming messages at him... in response to him being concerned... that I was going to be spamming messages at people... when I was freaking out... Yeah... It felt like a bad look. I hit a wall with it. I just didn't send it. I went for a walk.

Fuck it. I've been a model therapy client for a long time. He can work for this one. I'm not gonna wear that look. If he wants to know the reason why he set off an anxiety attack that left emotional waves for... 2 days now... he can follow up. I really need to put that energy into like... managing the emotions and taking care of myself. Not worrying about some potential "I told you so" from a licensed professional. Or worry about spoon-feeding context to him outside of session hours.

Maybe I'm doing that whole clawing for resolution thing again. It kinda feels like it. Ugh.

You know, I went for a walk today, and it was totally fine. For the most part. There were two moments that were not okay, that I'll get out of the way first. I explored further up the trail up by where the trail goes under the highway, and I saw a hammock with crocs under it and I got a little sketched out. I was afraid I was about to walk into a homeless camp or something. I probably wasn't, but like... I was alone... I just didn't wanna chance it, so I turned around. It wasn't the end of the world. The other was seeing a guy who was acting weird at the bus stop on my way to the trail, who was still there when I was coming back, so I just took a different path to avoid him. Like... seriously minor shit, totally fine, but bumps nonetheless.

On the plus side, I had a cool synchronicity moment. I was walking the river walk behind this college-age couple with a puppy following them off-leash, it was adorable. I couldn't stop smiling! And after I passed them, I walked past some geese that were being illuminated by the sunset, right as the song had lines that rhymed with "golden goose", like... both syllables, like the rhyme fit perfectly into the chorus. It made me chuckle. And I got this really cool image in my head of this wood carving of a Canadian Goose, then I reworked it in my head into a drawing of one on textile. It was a fun moment. Then like 50 feet later up the trail, I saw a rabbit and had a little eye-contact conversation with it. Then I had in impulse to go on a side-trail to the riverside, and I saw a beaver swimming across the river. And stayed and watched it for a while, which was really cool. It was so big! Then I saw the hammock, so I turned around. But on my way back, I started filming first person on the trail so I have a few minutes of footage to work with for my project.

Overall, it was a really nice walk, very nice day, beautiful sunset, nice encounters with nature. It was a great interlude from the chaos in my head unearthed by this crap.

I made fried rice, it was good. I watched MrMoon and it was a really funny stream. I got a lot of the topographical map animation rendered, I'm 90% sure it's done... I just played a little Risk of Rain 2 to take a break while it was rendering.

Oh shit, also... I was checking out the wood in the woods as I was walking, looking for a decent sized stump that I could haul back and use as a decorative table. I wanted to like... core out the top a bit and plant a moss garden in it? And have it sorta be a standing planter. But... that shit is super heavy, I know that from experience. So... don't really know what to do about that right now, like how I would get that back to my apartment... Not my top priority. But I did spot a bunch of moss that I could harvest if I so choose.

So yeah, here I am. I have three steps left in my video. The last animation section where I draw my transition of thought from AI to... me doing the pathfinding... then the transition from 3rd person to 1st person. Then... the IRL hiking footage. Then... the outro with like... all my inactive social media on it. XD Then it's done-so.

Yay!

So yeah, I'd like to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight. I hope to get to the skatepark soon, and just get outside more. I'd like to go sit at a table by the river and just draw one of these days, like pen to paper in a sketchbook. It's been ages. I miss it.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'd really like it if that pestering emotional voice in my head would like... leave me alone about shit that happened years ago. I've been practicing that whole "take the thoughts and pretend they're a leaf and put them on the thought-river" thing over and over and an hour later they just come back. It wears on me.

But hey, on a good note, despite me having all these alarm bells set off... I still went outside and went for a nice walk. I showered and got dressed. I worked on my project. I cooked. I had a normal day. That's really really good. And it was a nice day, that other reliving the past crap aside. I mean that! So I do want to celebrate that and give it the stage-time it deserves.

Here's hoping for a nice, peaceful, happy day tomorrow. For all of us. Cheers!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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eatabag0fdicks · 2 years

Text

I have no followers so this rant is more like a diary entry but I gotta let it out. Every time I get the thoughts, images and memories of my ex outta my head his brother or friends try getting in touch with me again. I've made it more than clear that I want nothing to do with him, his family or friends, any part of that life I had, but that's not good enough. I'm finally starting to take back my life and I can't say it's easy because I'm only 140 days into recovery after 18 years of active addiction. This is all new to me, but I'm so proud of how far I've come in almost 5 months and granted if I never met this person I wouldn't have ended up where I am today but I don't owe him anything! The promise I made to myself of becoming the best me I can be is way more important than a dope sick promise I made to him about "forever." I am not a punching bag. I am not a sex toy. I sure as shit ain't an excuse. Even after the hell he put me through I said, about 2 months clean and still in rehab, "I can't put money on your books but I can be a friend, I just need you to understand why I need time and why I left. All I wanted was to get clean and be happy and I could not do that while walking your path. You were extremely abusive and to this day are still trying to manipulate me. You're sick, as am I, but we need to take care of our own recovery first and foremost and when I feel like you're no longer going to do damage and when I will no longer put up with it, I will try to be your friend." That wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear.. I've always been the codependent that falls for the narcissist and it always turned out horrendous, but this time we were also co-addicts which turned an abusive relationship into some shitstorm cycle of insanity. I lost so much because of him and because I was too scared to leave. He always said "well at least you have your parents, as long as you have them you'll never truly be hungry (broke, homeless, etc.)" Well then why the fuck was I hungry, broke, homeless, etc.?! They love me no matter what but they won't cosign on my bullshit and I wish I never cosigned on his! I wish I saw from another perspective just how fucked up that situation was. After his reaction to me saying he was abusive, I stopped answering the calls. I couldn't block the facility number but once he was extradited I answered one more time and told him I do not miss him, I do not trust him or believe a word he says, I will not help him, but I genuinely wish him the best and will pray for him. I hung up and the next time that call came through I blocked it (different facility actually had a block option). Since then (about 3 months ago) I get calls, texts, follow requests, even password change emails once a week, give or take. Always from the same locations, numbers, urls - his brother and his friends. I should expect it but I can't handle the traumatic symptoms I developed from the situation and my brain says "ope! nah, we're just gonna push the memory of that bitch boy right back out" so then by time a notification comes in again it's jarring and throws me into a mini (sometimes major) panic attack. I don't think they'll ever find this page, this is something I've actually kept private from most of the world but please gods, grant me some grace. Some peace from this never ending cycle. I can't keep fighting. It seems so simple: name pops up, block, move on - but it isn't anymore. It brings up so many memories, it always seems to be at the worst times, it's exhausting.. I'm tired. And I know if I continue to fight the memories and continue to ignore the problem people, one of two things is gonna happen: they'll give up, or I'll give in. Idk where this story started or if it makes any sense at all but now I'm physically tired so I'm done. Goodnight..

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bugsy-maria · 3 years

Text

Chat Noir x Reader Part 2

I didn't bother to fight back, it was almost like Chat telling me that he hated me drained me of all of the energy I had and more. I saw as the Akuma delicately landed on my collar. the collar never was a part of the main costume but instead, it was added by me because I liked the look of it.

the Akuma vanished and Hawk Moth's voice filled my head.

"Dark Fang, I am hawkmoth. I will grant you the power to make the world that had wronged you countless times your own playground."

I felt the clothing that I wore disappear into new tight clothing. my tube top turned into a strapless bra with a ribcage design. a corset pinched my sides gently and was blended into a short puffy black skirt. I had no shoes only thigh-high socks. and my hair was no longer long and puffy but instead a short bob. the leather band of the collar was turned into just a string that held a now white metal disk with the name, 'Togo' engraved on the back. I touched my hair, feeling a different sensation on my scalp, there were now soft ears atop my hair.

it was now that I took in what Hawkmoth said. "the world that had wronged you countless times" he was right. I was nothing but good to other people and all I got was nothing. the world took my family away from me, the world took Chat away from me, the world made me who I am but the world hates who I am.

I stand up, rain and hail falling harder that it starts to break car windows. the world needs to start over again to fix what has been down. people have ruined the world, humans have stained the world with the worst things imaginable. everyone except Adrien. Adrien did no wrong. he doesn't deserve to be punished. I swiftly make my way to Adrien's home. jumping up to a long-forgotten open window. I run through the halls till I reach Adrien's all too familiar door.

I open it to see him with his hands tangled in his blonde locks as he sat at his desk.

"Adrien," I spoke up, causing him to shoot up from his original position at his desk.

"Togo? what are you doing here?"

"I'm not Togo, I'm Dark Fang now."

"You're akumatized?!" his eyes widened.

"Mmmm." I hummed taking my seat at his bed. "And you know what? it's you're fault." I smiled at him.

"What did I do?"

"You told me to tell that guy that I loved him," I paused to stare at the scared look on his face. "He hates me now, he said that he loves Ladybug too much." I got on all fours on his bed and crawled my way over to him, causing him to back up.

"(Y/N)!?" he pushed the chair in front of him.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Adrien, I'm going to save you."

"I don't need to be saved by a villain." his voice now stern.

"But we could watch the world go back the way it was before!" I started to get angry at him, my voice getting rougher. I mean why would he rather die with all these people who do wrong, than come and stay safe with me.

"I'm not going anywhere with you!"

"Fine, hope you have fun drowning Adrien." I unemotionally said. I blew harsh winds so strong that they broke windows all over the world. rain rushed into the room as I jumped out of his room and onto a nearby building. I watched it from the Montparnasse Tower. thunder was now heard everywhere, and the only source of light for this half of the earth. I sat and watched as the world flooded below me.

I stuck out my hand in front of me and grew a single intense red rose out of it. I picked the flower from my palm and rolled it in between my fingertips.

"Togo! You need to stop this!" I heard Ladybug shout. I increased the wind at her, blowing her off the tower.

"Togo! Don't take it out on her!" I heard Chat shout at me, and his feet running after Ladybug. I looked at the rose then at the now flooded city below me. the rain stops as the sun comes out, the sun evaporates the water below us. the heat is ineffective to me, but when I look at LAdybug and Chat Noir I see that they are sweating so much that they could barely walk at a normal pace.

I raise my hand at them and flick cool air in their direction, I kept the air blowing at them to keep them from dying. they were the only friends I had, even if they did hate me.

"Why are you helping us?" Ladybug asked, swinging her Yo-yo ready to attack in case I did. her lucky charm long forgotten in the corner of the rooftop.

"You are my only friends left, thought we could share this new world."

"We aren't your friends anymore." I looked at Ladybug, then at the chat. his face showed that of regret. he must have known that he was the reason for this right?

"When I don't need you here anymore," venom leaked off of my words. I clenched my fist tight, taking the air away from her. her hands flew up to her neck, her yo-yo falling to the ground. I quickly used my wind to blow it to me. the sounds of her choking on her blood filling lungs were getting annoying but I knew it wouldn't be long before those sounds would stop.

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!" I heard Chat scream his lungs out, he quickly caught Ladybug's head when she fell. I saw the tears fall down his face. the love of my life was crying over the death of another girl. the love of my life was crying over the death of another girl because of me. I caused those tears. I'm the reason for his pain. the pain he put me through, I am now putting him through.

suddenly I stopped seeing the world in black and white, the good and bad. I saw what I saw before, shades of grey. I had managed to fight off the Akuma with my feeling, I felt tears falling on my face upon seeing chat noir cry and Ladybug dead. the only friends I had besides Adrian and Marinette. I knew I wouldn't have much time left, but I couldn't break my Akuma because then it would go to Chat. I had to try the lucky charm.

I looked in my hand with my blurry vision, it was her yo-yo. I used the yo-yo to try and grab the lucky charm that lays on the other side of the building, I knew I didn't have the time to walk across. the lucky charm got to me. I could only pray that it would work for me too. Ladybug and I both have the power of creation after all.

"Stop! You'll never-" he cut himself off once he saw me. once he saw how broken I was, how I was showing emotion, and how the tears that spilled from my eyes and onto my cheeks were genuine.

"Pray that it works." I stared into his eyes and I knew that once I said that and once he saw the lucky charm in my hands he knew what I was talking about. "My collar, Lucky charm!" I shouted, throwing the object into the air. I saw ladybugs shoot out. the mess I made disappearing.

Black and White.

I saw as ladybugs repaired the beginnings of the new beginning.

"Cataclysm!" I heard from behind me, I turned around to see Chat holding out his hand. he reached out and before I could move he caught my collar. I fell to the ground, suddenly feeling dizzy, while I watched my clothing slowly disappear and turn back to what it was before. I looked around me to see Ladybug and Chat staring at me.

"I'm so sorry, and I know that no matter how much I say it nothing will get any better." my voice was shaky and broke during the sentence.

"It's ok Togo." Ladybug kneeled in front of me.

"Don't call me that, I don't deserve it," I said, standing up, keeping my head hung low.

"Then what do you want us to call you?" I heard Chat say from in front of me.

"You won't be calling me anything kitty." I smiled up at him, "besides I have to go now. Meet you guys at our spot? regular time?" I asked hopefully. they nodded and I fell from the building. my wind gently carrying me down to the ground. I ran to an alley.

"Balto, stop running," I mumbled lowly. I walked back to my flat near the Eiffel Tower. I quickly grabbed the box that my miraculous came in. "Goodbye friend." I smiled at Balto. a gray wolf kwamii. I slid the bracelet off my wrist and placed it in the box. I left my home, making my way to the spot we always met at, with no intention of meeting them.

~~~~~~~~~~

the walk home felt like decades. I tread up the stairs of the building I lived in. I took out my keys and unlocked my door. I turned on the lights to my empty home. I walked over to my room, wanting nothing more than to sleep.

I pushed open my bedroom door, the lights still on from when I left. but this time something was different. there was an all too familiar black kitty in my room, rummaging around my desk drawers.

"Kitty?" I clearly didn't think of my words carefully.

"Ahh!" his head quickly shot up as he pushed the drawer closed. "Togo, there you are."

"I told you to stop calling me that." I slumped on my bed still facing him. "And how do you know who I am!?" my eyes widened once the situation dawned upon me.

"A little birdy told me who you were." he rubbed the back of his neck. "Anyway, brought something of yours." he sat at my desk chair, placing the box I just got rid of on my desk.

"I returned it."

"And I'm returning it."

"I don't want it."

"Why not?" we were glaring into each other's eyes.

"Did you not see what happened today?"

"We all have those days."

"No one has this kind of day. I was weak and vulnerable. I killed Ladybug!"

"Dark Fang killed Ladybug."

"I am Dark Fang! and it's not like either of you guys want me to be on your team anymore anyway. You hate me and I'm not your guys' friend anymore."

"I didn't mean that." he walked over to me, taking a seat next to me on my bed.

"Sure seemed like you did."

"I was just angry that you were right is all. Ladybug doesn't like me back but I still keep trying no matter how little hope I had. I just hated that you always had that hope, you never once had a bad day. at least that's what I thought."

"it's always been Ladybug and Chat noir. there was never room for me."

"I do like the sound of Chat noir and his two ladies." he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, the touch setting flames to my skin. "Don't you?"

"Only if I can be your only lady," I replied cockily.

"Sure, but would you love me because I'm your best friend or because I'm Chat Noir?"

Tags:

@laic2299 @aproudfangirl13

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jaedreaminn · 3 years

Text

On The Bridge

Summary

The water under the bridge was luring but no as much as the boy on the bridge.

Or maybe you were just convincing yourself you liked the water because you hadn't met the boy yet...

Pairings: Renjun x fem!reader

Characters: Renjun, Doyoung «mentioned» Chenle, Taeyong.

About: Angst, recovery, comfort, semicolon, light humour, sad, Bitter-Sweet, open ending.

Word Count: 4.6k

WARNINGS

Mentions of suicide! Attempt at suicide! (Nothing graphic) Read with caution it gets heavy.

Toxic family relations.

Mentioned bullying.

Reader suffers from depression.

You sat on the thick railing of the bridge, legs dangling high above the moon lit waters. It was truly a beautiful and calming site, so peaceful and pure, the complete opposite of your thoughts.

Up on this bridge you were lost in a trance, trapped in a void of your own thoughts that were empty but at the same time raging.

You failed to notice a presence besides you so you were quite startled when a voice spoke asking you, "Why are you here?"

You blinked once at the pretty who sat next to you before calmly answering him, "To watch the water."

"You're not here to....umm..."

"Join the water?" You asked a small teasing smile creeping on you face and the boy seemed to curl into himself.

"Y-yea that" he stuttered.

"Yea I'm here to join the water." You said and he frowned, "But not today. I'll do that the moment my birthday ends" you said with a smile and he looked at you in awe.

"Leave this world a day after I arrived, won't that be cool?" You asked and he hesitated before nodding.

"It would be cool..." He said slowly sitting up straight.

"So you're here to jump too?" You asked, your words too bold and unfiltered for him.

"Oh- umm I, Y-yea" he stuttered, panicking and you smiled softly again.

"I don't think you will. You seem too cowardly to actually jump...I mean you couldn't even properly ask me if I was going to jump" you said with a shrug while the boy with blond hair (you just noticed) slowly calmed down.

"I am." He said with a small nod, "But I wasn't always scared it's just...." He trailed, biting his lip not sure whether to tell you or not.

"Just what?" you asked eyes innocently curiously, he held his breath for a minute contemplating whether to tell you or not and then sighed, "I used to sneak out and come here every night but every time my younger brother would know I was gone and would always follow me here" he said eyes glistening and you felt entrapped in his sullen gaze.

"And we'd sit here on this bridge every night talking about anything and everything. He was bubbly and carefree but always held onto my hand tightly as if he knew I would jump if he let go. But I could never tell if he knew or not because the only thing that was bluntly visible on his face was his million dollar smile." the boy said with a small twinkle in his eye.

"Where is he now?" You asked and a sad smile made its way to the boy’s soft features.

"He's shining as the brightest star in the sky" he replied, pointing up at no particular star.

"He was sick. Born a sick child, I always knew he was going to go early." the boy said and you felt sorry for him, the way he smiled sadly to himself holding the weight of losing a loved on his lean shoulders.

"I'm so"

"No don't say sorry, he lived a good life" he cut you off and for a few minutes the two of you just sat on the bridge silently, two broken souls.

"What's your name?" You finally asked and he looked hesitant before he spoke, "Huang Renjun"

"Hi Renjun I'm Kim y/n" you said offering him a smile with an enthusiastic wave.

"Hi y/n" he said with a small laugh at your gesture, which he found cute.

"So why do you still come here Renjun?" You asked and Renjun stilled, breathing slowly he spoke "I want to jump. I can't handle life anymore but every time it feels like someone's holding onto my arm..." He trailed off and you felt your heart sink, he lived only because of the memory of his brother.

"Why are you here y/n?" He asked, changing the topic.

"Me? Well...I recently shifted here with my parents. My brother stayed back but it's not like he lived with us. I hated my old school and my entire experience there. It scared me to the point I have an anxiety attack at the thought of going to any school so I'm being home schooled now. Home school isn't better though considering I'm stuck at home with the constant yelling. I'm invisible now almost as if I was never supposed to exist so that's what I'm here to do. To not exist." you said in one go biting your lip nervously at the thought of over sharing but Renjun smiled at you and you felt your nervous heartbeat calm down. You also noticed that he really was a beautiful boy because one small smile on his face looked so captivating to you.

"That's sad... I wish you didn't feel that way" he said earnestly and you felt something close to genuine happiness at that statement for a brief second.

"And I wish I was never born...it's not fair to me" you said with a sigh eyes fixed on the water again. Jumping into it and being lost in its current seemed like the most peaceful and joyful thing in the world to you. The coldness of the water and the darkness of the night wrapped around you like a blanket as you finally let go. It sounded perfect.

"What if you find a reason to live?" Renjun asked interrupting your thoughts and you frowned. There wasn't a reason, there never was going to be and even if there was one reason to live there were thousand other reasons to leave.

"What was your brother's name?" You asked changing the topic. Renjun smiled and simply answered, "Zhong Chenle" without prying any further.

And so you two bonded talking about anything and everything or nothing at all. And every night, like routine you went to the bridge and he was there. And that's how you made your first and probably your last friend.

It was on one of the more cheerful nights when Renjun was animatedly telling you about his baby brothers dolphin laugh and about how contagious it was that it had delayed his cake cutting by fifteen minutes because he couldn't stop laughing that you told Renjun when your birthday was.

"In two weeks!" Renjun exclaimed shocked, a frown plastered on his face.

"Yes in two weeks" you repeated with a small giggle at how cute his flustered self looked.

"But that's so soon" he subconsciously pouted rather cutely.

"Want to join me?" You asked even though you knew his answer.

"I would if I wasn't a coward" Renjun said with a frown and held your hand. "I'll miss you"

"At least someone will" you said with a dead laugh and Renjun frowned, for some reason he was convinced people knew you existed. And maybe they knew but if you didn't want to live it was your choice not theirs.

"My brother's in town and we used to be so close now it's only awkward small talk as if he hates talking to me" you said with a sarcastic laugh but it only sounded like a strangled cry and Renjun put a comforting hand on your shoulder not saying anything.

"And my parents...well they don't talk they yell" you scoffed, "They probably haven't even noticed I live with them by how occupied they are trying to hurt each other"

"And I never had any friends and I wouldn't call the people at my old school my friends...ever. They broke me and said that's just how they are or that I'm being dramatic. It was always just me. I'm always stuck outside as if I was never meant to be and maybe I'm not..." You said a sob escaping your lips after your outed your demons and Renjuns heart broke as he pulled you towards him and hugged you as you silently sniffed.

"Don’t worry you won't go alone, I'll come and say goodbye to you" he whispered in your ear and a small smile made its way to your face, glad that he understood you.

"I'd try to stop you but I know it's stupid to try to stop you when I myself want to jump so bad" he said as he tightened his hold around you and you lay your head on his chest. Renjun wasn't cold like the waters were but being in his embrace still brought you peace.

"How come you're waiting till after your birthday?" He asked you and a small smile made its way to your face, finally a question you wanted to answer. "Because that's the one day the yelling stops and everyone pretends like everything is fine and the one day they notice me. It's the one day I'm everyone's favourite and I want their last memory of me to be a happy one" you said, recollecting those rare happy memories as you listened to Renjuns heartbeat.

"I'll send you away happy too so you'd have one last happy memory too" he said resting his head on yours.

He was so warm but you didn't hate it as much as you did and suddenly the water looked too cold.

And so two weeks started to go by and your nights with Renjun got weirder and weirder, he would either be really talkative or extremely quiet. And not the comfortable quite you were used to, not when everything about his quite presence screamed THINKING LOUDLY. But it didn't bother you for too long.

The day of your birthday went as you predicted. Everyone was smiling and suddenly you were the center of everyone's attention. With fake smiles and happiness and peace that wouldn't last. At least their last memory of you was you smiling right? Maybe they won't feel guilty for too long because you were never supposed to exist. But at the same time you wanted them to hurt the way you did, to regret not being able to save you.

The day went by cheerful and night came, you kissed your parents good night and hugged your brother properly for the first time after he returned. You were pretty sure you shocked him a bit but it was your last good bye. You needed it. He was the one you cared for the most in your family.

Once night fell and you were sure everyone was too tired to care you creeped out towards the bridge walking there quickly in anticipation of Renjuns good bye so you frowned when you realised he wasn't there.

You looked at your phone, 11:45.

He still had fifteen minutes to arrive maybe he'd say goodbye to you then.

But it was soon 11:59 and no one had come onto the bridge other than a stray cat.

You frowned looking at the screen on your phone as tears made its way to your eyes, you were always meant to be die unnoticed and alone.

The numbers on the clock changed from 11:59 to 12:00 and you placed it down on the railing next to you as you leaned over to look at the water.

Stupid Renjun, his warmth made the cold water which you loved before seem too cold. But at least it was dark.

You placed your arms on both sides of the railings and gave yourself a slight push ready to slip and fall off but just then a hand clasped onto your arm and you turned around to look at a red faced Renjun.

"M-my brother used to...” he panted, out of breath and you looked at his pleading eyes worried. “He used to hold onto me and now I'm going to hold onto you" he said, breathing heavily from his run here.

"B-but you said you understood" you yelled anger bubbling inside of you, a frown making its way to your face, how could he stop you just because he was scared.

"I didn't understand two shits." He said sternly, standing up straight. "At first you inspired me and I thought that I'd finally have to courage to jump if I do it with you but then I didn't want to see you go....I already saw Chenle go without being able to do anything for my baby brother who wanted to live and here I was letting you go and thinking of taking my life, a life which Chenle could have never had. What an insult it would have been to his death if his brother who wasn't forced to die took his own life after his baby brother fought so much to live? And you! How could I just sit by and watch you take your life" he yelled as tears threatened to fall.

"So I decided not to come today but I care too much to not show up. So the only thing I can do right now is hold onto your arm to make sure you won't jump while talking about anything and everything until you forget about wanting to jump. Just like Chenle did for me." Renjun said hurriedly and desperately, face turning red and fresh tears falling out of his shining, determined eyes and you felt your heart sink as realisation of how real this situation was. His goal was to talk to you until you forgot why you were here but you just couldn't.

"B-but" you started to reason and Renjun shook his head. "No I'm holding onto you" he said, red eyes shining with a passion to keep you alive and you almost felt touched. Almost. This was supposed to be your escape but now one small boy with the voice of an angle has got you questioning everything? His eyes pleaded with you and he rambled about something that fell deaf to your ears as you glanced at the waters. It looked too cold and suddenly death seemed a bit scarier than before.

You closed your eyes, taking in a deep breath and you let yourself die away in the darkness. As you pressed each emotion you felt way under an invisible weight of the darkness that comforted you, that excited you, that promised you eternal peace. Maybe the water was too cold but the darkness was pulling you in and all it would take was one little push to let it consume you.

But the darkness was snatched away from you as a sudden bright light blinded your vision, it was someone's torch from their phone but you couldn't see who was holding it and neither could Renjun as he squinted trying to not look directly into the light.

"Y/n?" A voice called out and your eyes widened, in recognition.

"D-Doyoung?"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" he yelled pocketing his phone and running to you, yanking you off the railing and onto the pavement of the bridge.

"Are you mad? Why would you do that! What would I do if I lost you? How could you just think of leaving like that!" He yelled at you, tears shamelessly falling out of his eyes. You noticed he looked defeated but you didn't understand why.

"I-I’m sorry" you mumbled feeling obligated to apologise, looking away biting onto you lip hard, more embarrassed than scared that he caught you.

What you didn't know Doyoung’s mind was a whirlwind of regrets and flashbacks. Of hatred for himself for not noticing sooner for not coming to your aid sooner.

For how noisy his mind was to you it was silent. Too silent. He didn't say anything and now you were scared. Scared of what would happen, scared because no matter how much you tried to predict the outcome your mind remained blank.

"Ohhh what would I do if I lost you" he finally said breaking the silence and holding onto you so tight you were surprised none of your bones broke.

"I'm sorry." He broke into a sob, "I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner. I'm sorry I didn't take you away from there with me, I'm sorry I didn’t protect you at school. I'm so sorry I couldn't do more. But please don't do this y/n" he pleaded with a broken hopeless voice holding onto you tighter, "You're my baby sister and I won't be able to live with myself if I lost you" he sobbed into your hair holding you close to him and for the first time you felt fear, fear of what would happen if you left Doyoung behind.

"I should have protected you and should have just taken you with me not waited until I could prove to our parents I had money oh god" he continued to cry and it hurt your heart, how could you forget your brother's promise to take you away and protect you and how could you forget your promise to love with him. Live with him. You couldn't hold back either, clinging onto him for life as you cried. All the pain inside you finally breaking lose as you sobbed and sobbed in your brother's arms. And suddenly all the emotions that the darkness hid were out in the open and you felt every emotion all at once and it wasn't a burden like you expected but instead freeing.

The pain from the constant bullying, the neglect, having to deal with your parents fighting and then your brother moving out. You were alone and scared and all the emotions you bottled up came pouring out all at once. You felt faint and light headed but you couldn't stop crying your soul out.

You weren't brave but a coward just leaving without really putting up a fight. You felt yourself shift as Doyoung who had stopped crying slowly sat down with you still held tightly in his arms.

You sat on the cold road, head rested on your brother's chest as you listened to his heartbeat and he caressed you head as your sobs slowly died down. You were tired and might have fallen asleep there if it wasn't for your brother's cold voice startling you back into consciousness.

"Who are you?" your brother's asked tone so cold you would have been scared to be on the receiving end of it and that's when you realised- Renjun!

"Oh I'm her.... Friend?" Renjun questioned more than answered and you smiled at the flustered boy as your brother's eyes critically scanned him.

"He's Renjun" you said pulling away from your brother's embrace deciding to end the trembling boys suffering, "He was brave enough to not join me and even braver to stop me" you said smiling at the said brave boy (who was currently trembling under Doyoungs gaze). Doyoung gave Renjun a curt nod and got up to thank him.

You tried your best to hold in your laughter as you watched them awkwardly shake hands. It was definitely a start of a very awkward relationship.

...

You blinked your eyes open, your head was killing you and you felt like you woke up from a drug induced dream. Last night was all messed up for you and you weren't sure if it was real.

You lay there on your bed feeling drained to the core and empty inside. You felt awful. Like you shouldn't have woken up today morning, yet some part of you was secretly glad.

Your thoughts were interrupted by Doyoung who barged into you room and opened your curtains filling the room with bright light, you squinted, your eyes hurting at the sudden surplus of light but for the first time you were glad it was bright rather than dark as you saw your brother standing against the light, smiling at you.

"Get dressed Renjun should be here soon" he said and marched out of your room before you could react. You forced yourself to sit up, brain still not processing a word he had said.

It was a challenge getting ready, especially since all you wanted to do today was lay in bed but you got ready and walked to the kitchen where Doyoung placed a fresh plate of pancakes in front of you.

You smiled at him, sitting yourself down and digging into your breakfast when you stopped and realised how quite it was

"Ummm Doyoung where are..." You started to ask but Doyoung cut you off, "It's like you forgot last night." He scoffed but there was a very obvious smile on his face as if he was happy. You couldn't understand why he was so happy when all you felt was empty and awful after last night.

"They have gone for couples counselling but honestly I think it'll end in a divorce" Doyoung said it so casually that you sat there with your fork hovering in front of your mouth shocked. "Don’t be so surprised. I know it sucks but I'm old enough to take care of you and I'm taking you away with me this time. Let them sort out their own problems and don’t you dare blame yourself for their failed marriage okay." He said sternly walking towards you and feeding you the pancake himself since you just sat there frozen. "And I know they're kind of messed up but they do love us and they have taken care of us, maybe not emotionally but in...other ways" he said placing a hand on your head and you nodded, dumbfounded. You wanted to say something but didn't know what to say or ask so you just sat there watching him, confused. He smiled at that. Everything was happening so quickly it was still taking you time to process it especially after last nights... whirlwind of emotions.

"You can be mad at them y/n. You can be mad at me. You can be mad at whoever okay. Feel things again." He said placing a soft kiss on your forehead as he walked to answer the door.

When did the doorbell ring?

"Oh Renjun you're here!" You heard him happily exclaim and walk back into the kitchen, followed by a shy Renjun. You looked at Renjun confused but he only gave you a shy smile.

"What's going on?" You asked after you swallowed the food that was in your mouth.

"I'm taking you two for therapy" he said so casually as if he didn't forget to mention that to you and by the looks of it he forgot to tell Renjun too.

"But my parents..."

"Renjun I spoke to them and they agreed to it" Doyoung said interrupting Renjun who seemed to have trouble believing Doyoung as he looked at him accusingly.

"Okay I fought with them and they agreed. Plus they can't stop me all the way from China if you consent to this can they?" Doyoung asked with a smug grin and Renjun looked at him in disbelief.

"What why?" You asked still confused "when did all this happen?"

"I got it all arranged last night." Doyoung casually said again as if he didn't forget to tell the two of you all of this and turned to Renjun, "Would you like some pancakes too?"

Renjun flushed in embarrassment at Doyoungs gaze and you frowned.

"But why are you suddenly so invested in all this" you asked, your tone sounding colder than you intended it to be. You regretted your words when you saw hurt flash through Doyoung’s eyes for a second.

Doyoung’s gave you a wary smile before he spoke, "When I left three years ago I wasn't in a good place. But I met good people and I got help. The three years I avoided coming home was because I took that time to heal. And I feel selfish for leaving you but I hope you'll one day understand that I needed to be stronger to take care of you. So that's what I'm doing now."

"Why are you taking me too then?" Renjun asked, eyes downcast, looking disappointed. What you didn't know was that he was disappointed. Someone else was going to take the burden of taking care of him and he didn't like that. He didn't like being a burden. He burdened his parents so much that they left him and now the same thing was going to happen with the only nice people he knew. He was beyond disappointed.

"Because you need help. I have a friend in uni, his name is Lee Taeyong." A small smile made its way to Doyoung’s face, "He helped me out in ways no one else would. He took care of me and he made sure I was okay, he genuinely cared for me even though I wasn't very nice to him. At first I found him annoying but now he's one of the most important people in my life and I don't think I would ever be able to live without him, don't tell him that though. But the thing is he came to me and helped me I didn't go to him, so now I'm going to help you no matter how much you feel like you don't deserve it Renjun. No matter how annoying you think I am." Doyoung said, stubbornness shining in his eyes and Renjun stood there shocked and taken back.

"I also knew your brother" Doyoung said shocking Renjun for the second time in the past five minutes, "He was a child prodigy at SM University, musical talents unlike any other, he was so young and so week but so jovial. His parents loomed over him taking praises given to the kid as their own but that young boy couldn't care less about them. The only thing he would talk about was his brother waiting at home for him, his brother that took care of him, who played with him, who protected him from the monsters in the closet. He spoke about his brother that held his hand when his heart hurt. He spoke about how when he was sick the medicines could never put him to sleep the way his brothers voice would." Tears made their way to Renjuns eyes as memories of everything Doyoung had mentioned came flooding into his mind but he held them back, too stubborn to let them fall.

"Every time he came he would tell us about how handsome his brother was and how talented his brother was. He would brag about how he wanted to spend his whole life being this faceless boys little brother." Renjun sniffed, roughly wiping away his tears before they could leave his eyes as he looked at Doyoung who continued to speak. "I owe it to him, a small kid that really gave me a different view and perspective on life to take care of this amazing brother" Doyoung finished speaking and Renjun broke into a sob, turning away and hiding his face. You got up from where you were seated and walked to him, wrapping your arms around his shoulder from behind, hugging him. Your heart broke every time he shook because of a sob. And that's when you knew, you knew you didn't want to continue like this. This beautiful boy deserved a happy life and so did you. You may feel like shit right now but you were going to change that and you were going to help the blond headed boy who stopped you from taking your life genuinely smile too.

"It's going to be a long journey and I know the two of you feel like it would never get better but it will. And I'll be there for the both of you during that time" Doyoung said sincerely and you looked at Renjun who looked at you through teary but hopeful eyes. You brought your hand up to Renjuns face, wiping a tear away as you felt his fingers interlock with your free hand and smiled. He smiled back at you, eyes still shining with fresh tears and you looked at Doyoung who stood at the side with an unreadable expression (but you could make out the hint of pride on his face) and you gave him a single, sharp nod. "We're going to get better." You looked at Renjun, "We're going to move forward"

"We'll take baby steps"

This is the first time I've written something so heavy so feedback would really be appreciated.

Let me know about your thoughts on this story.

It took a long while to come to a final story line/plot and even longer for me to want to post this.

59 notes · View notes

animeyanderelover · 3 years

Text

Requested from @girliesanjose123

Request: Can I have prompt 68 with Indra Otsutsuki in a soulmate AU?

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, harsh behavior, controlling behavior, kidnapping, violence, abuse

Prompt 68: “You’re all I think about. I always think about holding you, kissing you, touching you, making love to you, breeding you...”

"Don't even think about it." You flinched when you heard his cold and voice ringing through the cold air of the night, a wonderful addition to his icy tone. Just as quickly as your eyes had wandered to the forest and the idea of trying to make a run for it as soon as he was asleep, the idea left you again. Instead you just turned around, staring with a scared look in your eyes at the dancing bonfire. "I'm sorry. I won't think about it again.", you muttered quickly out, a habit you had formed due to past experiences with him.

You heard something akin to a dismissing hum from him before ot became silent between you two, the only thing that made this all not too suffocating or awkward were the random noises of the night, the crackling sounds of the fire and the swooshing created by the wind. It wasn't the first time that you two just sat there like this, not speaking to each other. You because you were too intimidated and had no idea on about what you could possibly talk about with him and him because he wasn't the very talkative type. And forcing him into a conversation wasn't very wise either, he got quickly annoyed with you.

Up until this day you had troubles believing that he was really the one you had been born to be with, your soulmate. And yet his name had been engraved on your wrist since your thirteenth year of life, written down in black letters without a chance to ever erase it again. Just like your name was written down on his wrist, he had never told you since when. The most detailed answer you had gotten from him had been that he had the mark on him since quite the long time.

Soulmates were totally romanticized in your opinion even though you understood to a very small degree why people wished to have a soulmate as well. The idea of having someone who was born to be with you and would experience something that could only be described with love at first sight was tempting to imagine. But sadly the dark side of having a soulmate was overshadowed, pushed away since people only wanted to see and hear what added up to the dream relationship in their mind.

There was no other choice than this one person who was your other half, not even if you fell for someone who seemed to fit you much more perfect. This was one of the most common misunderstandings people had about soulmates. They thought they were perfect for each other and loved each other conditionally. It was a lie. You had informed yourself, read a lot of reports and letters about it, even from people who had themselves a soulmate. And in more than a few people had described that their soulmate had been nothing near perfect, they had been lazy, selfish, mean and so much more. Some had even described how their soulmate had cheated even after they had met each other which had ended in a terrible heartbreak for both parts.

Having a soulmate didn't have to mean that they loved you as well, but once this happened, it ended in a terrible pain and depression for both parties and some had even said to die because of a broken heart. What a ridiculous thing to exist. Why would have a innocent who had done nothing wrong suffer because their soulmate had to be a dick without knowing each other even that well except the sudden attraction to each other and the knowledge that they were your soulmate?

So you had never been exactly happy when receiving that mark of yours, but everyone else around you had seemed to make a huge fuss about it. Friends and classmates had envied you for it and your neighbors had started almost gushing about the name written down on your wrist, starting to talk to you about how happy you must be to have one and how cute you would look together with them. You hadn't, but with that opinion you had been sadly alone. Even your parents had sugarcoated it, maybe because they were scared what might happen to you and this Indra if you would reject them.

But you had been completely right and you could bet that everyone in the village had sobered by now up from their delusions. If he would have kidnapped you silently, they would have assumed that you might have gone with him. But you hadn't. Instead you had tried to run away from him after only a few hours of knowing him. And you still remembered how the protests and comments to try to calm you down had died down the moment Indra had started demolishing everything in his way to catch you.

You didn't know until this day what had become of all the people in the village and if some of them were even alive. You hadn't seen much, but the short glances on the place that had used to be your home once had been enough to horrify you before you had passed out after looking in red eyes with three dots spinning inside of them.

You had by now given up asking to see your family again, every begging and pleading had been harshly and coldly shut down by him that by now you had pretty much lost all hopes. You had also given up on cursing whoever had decided to set you two up, there was nothing you could do and you had sadly no one to blame for this either, leading you to wallowing in self-pity.

The most frustrating was that you knew so little about him. He had never told you much and you had long ago lost the guts to ask him. You knew he was from far away, had left due to family issues and was planning to prove something. That was about all you knew about him next to his name and that he was insanely powerful. He could be a mass murder and you wouldn't kno. He on the other hand had wanted to know about everything about you and had forced it out of you. Well, maybe he would become more open over time. He wasn't someone who seemed to warm up quickly to a stranger.

That was probably why he was so distant and cold to you most of the time next to being very strict and controlling. He striked you as someone who viewed love and attraction as a weakness, but still seemed to be sane enough to know what would happen if he would have left you behind back then when he had met you for the first time. You had read that soulmates had gone crazy for their other half after meeting them and having to endure a longer time not touching them.

He was smart enough to fulfill those needs of his which sadly also fulfilled your needs. He hadn't engaged in anything too sexual so far, but even those forced touches of his had been enough to make you feel repulsed and yet also had pulled you closer to him. You blamed the soulmate bond for it. You knew too well that you would most likely not be able to stay like this forever, being already sometimes torn apart between your huge dislike for him and the always remaining attaction for him, the butterflies you felt whenever he seemed to become more nice and softer with you.

It was frustrating enough to make you feel like crying sometimes, you hadn't want any of this, but life had to be a bitch and decide to make him from all people in this world your soulmate. You just wished you had never been born with a soulmate or at the very least never met him. You hated how you always felt a painful stinging in your chest when he ignored you or hissed angrily at you.

You knew he had to feel the same, he had to suffer when avoiding you as well. But he was far more better in handling and hiding it than you were which was another rather hurting and harsh slap in your face. Didn't he care at all? You really just thought he was, the only reason he kept you around was because he didn't want to endure the full package of pain that came with just leaving your soulmate alone. He was just too hard to read.

And yet there were those moments where you almost got the feeling he was seeking for your touches and some sort of affirmation of you, only to push you moments later away from him and look like he had no idea what he had just done either. Such moments confused you greatly and seemed to irritate him just as much. So at the very least he seemed to slowly get pulled to you as well. Was this actually a thing to be glad or terrified over?

"Are you sulking again over the fact that we're soulmates?" His voice brought you out of your thoughtful gaze, noticing with a slight shiver that he was staring at you. You guessed you had stared too long at the mark on your wrist. You didn't know how to answer this, feeling scared that the wrong answer might lead to him getting angry again. You had learned to be careful around him, you felt most of the times like you were walking on eggshells whenever with him.

You opened your mouth shortly, only to close it again after not finding the strength to do as much as uttering a single word out. You had nothing to say if you were honest with yourself. "You're not going to answer me?"

Indra had shifted slightly closer to you, eyes drilling themselves into you with a piercing intensity. He hadn't activated them yet so that meant you were still in a green zone with him, he always activated them when he was pissed off because of something. A short glance at him made you almost believe that he seemed to display genuine curiosity right now.

You hesitated for a bit, not knowing whether to be honest with him or not. Lying was always an option, but a rather stupid one, he noticed always when you lied to him and he disliked it when you lied. "Yes, I am.", you answered for a few seconds of thick silence passing by, observing cautiously his reaction.

You had expected him to either not care or just becoming mad with you, but instead you always imagined for a second something akin to exhaustion flashing over his face. But it was so quickly gone that you weren't even sure if it had been there in the first place. But it had awakened some sort of interest in him, judging from the way his attention was now hooked on you. It made you tense up, playing with your fingers awkwardly.

"You know, I never asked you this before...But what do you think of me? Be honest." This question always made you choke on your own spit, gaping dumbfounded and majorly confused at him. His face gave no emotion away he could possibly feel right now. But from the way he was looking at you, you knew that he expeted an answer, a honest one, from you.

"You're not...what I expected." It was the only true yet subtle enough statement you could think off without saying anything that could offend him too openly.

It didn't seem to satisfy him though, he furrowed his eyebrows slightly at this very vague answer of yours. "Be more specific. I want to know."

If you would tell him, he would be angry with you, you were almost certain about it. Shouldn't it have been obvious from the way you were acting around him that you didn't like him? He couldn't be that oblivious. So if he already knew, why asking? Did he perhaps want to hear it from you personally?

"You're kind of...distant..." It sounded more like a question and you said it extremely slowly, unsureness dripping from every word. You kept by now an eye on Indra so you could react when he seemed to get offended by what you said. But at the moment he appeared to be calm, just listening and watching. "Continue."

"Well, if I'm being honest I feel a bit neglected from you. You're hard to read and I can't seem to understand what you sometimes even want from me. There are those moments where you treat me like I'm just air or some sort of dog you have to punish for bad behavior. And in other moments you are suddenly being all nice and friendly with me and almost act like you care before you snap out of it again and lash out on me. You're a bit confusing to be with and I just feel like you can't stand me at all since I make you acting like this. So emotionally."

There were quite a lot of unspoken things you could have added, but that would have taken a while and were far more offendingly than what you had put in words as politely as possible and told him just now.

He didn’t say anything which you just counted as a good thing, it meant he wasn’t mad at you...At least yet. Who knew with him and his temper. “So I take it that you don’t like me, do you?”

You quirked yourself eyebrow a few millimeters upon hearing the undertone in his voice, scanning his face. He was not angry, you could tell. It was something else right now for which you needed a few moments to look at before you suddenly understood. Was he...Was he poking fun at you?!

This made you stop thinking for a moment, you had in those past few weeks never seen him displaying many emotions except anger, impatience and from time to time those nearly desperate acts of affection. But never, never had you seen him being amused, you had thought that he had been annoyed by all of this. But now he looked like he was almost about to grin which irritated you. Why was he being entertained all of a sudden? You felt a flicker of annoyance and slight anger shooting through you, making you frown a bit.

“No, of course I like you. Why wouldn’t I like my soulmate who kidnapped me, ruined my village and life and treats me like I’m a piece of shit? I’m happy to be ignored and neglected from my soulmate who seems to not like me at all.” You could not help the sarcasm dripping from your voice whilst watching him through narrowed eyes. The last sentence from you was half the truth and half a lie. You were content with him not acknowledging your presence, it saved you from his outbursts or forced affections. On the other hand it also led you to feeling a often a tingling pain of abandonment in your chest which you didn’t like at all. You could only curse at the connection you shared with Indra. You loathed it.

You heard him scoffing, his expression telling you that he was surprised, luckily not too negatively, by your sudden attitude. “You feel neglected?”, he asked you, giving you a somewhat mischievous look which made you even more irritated. “So you want me to give you more affection? Is that it?”

You didn’t like how close he had shifted to you, it made you uncomfortable and you refused to acknowledge the happy and warm tingling this sudden closeness seemed to cause in your body. “Tell me,”, he asked in a deeper voice,”do you think I hate you and you me?”

Against your will you felt your face heating up and your heartbeat increasing, staring almost hypnotized in those deep and black orbs of his in which you, for the first time since he had abducted you, saw the sparkles of emotions. Had they always been there? Granted, it was your first time looking him so directly in his eyes.

“I-I-umm...” That was about how you sounded right now, slapping yourself mentally out of embarrassment. Why were you all of a sudden so bashful? No, you refused to let him win this. You took a deep and shaky breath to come back to your senses. “Give me a reason to not think you would hate me despite those short moments where you fulfill the basic needs every soulmate feels when with his other half. And why wouldn’t I hate you?! You dragged me in this whole mess and because of you I-“

You were forcefully silenced in a way that made your heart nearly jump out of your chest. He kissed you, surprisingly warm lips moving in a firm way against yours. And you really should have done something against it. But the moment you felt his lips against yours for the first time since you had seen him, it was like a bomb exploded in your head and all of a sudden everything inside of you seemed to slow wonderfully down, no numb stinging, no unnecessary thoughts, only you and him.

Just for a short moment you seemed to forget what he had done, letting the overwhelming feelings of the special bond between you two get the better of you. And all of a sudden you found your arms around his neck, your body screaming to be closer to him. This didn’t go unnoticed by him and you felt something that would have been a smirk if your lips wouldn’t have affectionate-starved moved against his own. At the very least he seemed to share the same hunger for touches from you like the other way around because you felt his arms suddenly sliding around you and lifting you with surprisingly much carefulness yet also eagerness closer to him, chest pressed against chest so that you two could feel each other’s heartbeat beating in sync. It was such a blissful experience for you, suddenly having so much intimacy with the man who had refused to give you what you had always wanted despite refusing to admit so.

You almost whined when he suddenly pulled away, probably because he had realized that you were running short on air which you hadn’t even realized until you panted quickly for air, body still refusing to leave his sudden embrace.

“Are you sure that you hate me? Your actions just right now seemed to tell the opposite.” He himself seemed to be out of air, you hearing his slight panting, warm air hitting your neck and causing goosebumps to rise on your skin.

You felt shame washing over you the moment you heard his questions, refusing to look him into his eyes. Your lips had pressed into an angry line, the feeling of his mouth on yours still lingering and you cussed yourself when catching yourself wishing to just slam your lips against his once again.

“What was that for right now? Did you want to torture me by showing me how pathetic this rebellious act of mine really is?” Your voice was a hushed hissing, but the bitterness laced in it was clearly audible.

“That was one of the reasons, though not the main one.” You gnashed your teeth when hearing the smugness in his voice, obviously content with what he had just seen and felt. But you also found yourself being once again confused. Not the main one? What was that supposed to mean?

You didn’t even have to ask this, he answered it without you even having to question him. “I don’t hate you. Much more on the contrary. You’re all I think about. I always think about holding you, kissing you, touching you, making love to you, breeding you...”

You felt a disturbing feeling starting to make it’s way up your throat, forming a lump on which you almost choked. By now his eyes seemed to blaze with a sudden storm of emotion which could be put together in a few simple yet terrifying words. Twisted and sick obsession.

“You will love me. You have no choice, but to do so. You can try to neglect your feelings for as long as you want, I can guarantee you that I’ll make sure that you’ll melt in my touches. We’re soulmates (y/n). You’ll come around sooner or later.”

#yandere naruto #yandere naruto shippuden #yandere indra #yandere indra otsutsuki

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