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aliwritesfic · 3 years

Text

The Night Shift part 10 (F!Reader x Frankie Morales)

Summary: back to work :( frankie and the boys are sweeties tho

W/C: 1.3k

Warnings: none I think but its late and i'm probably wrong so pls let me know if i need to add some

AN: this is just a quick lil filler chapter before a biiiiig one on either friday or monday, depending on when I finish it, but I wanted to get this one out because part 11 might be late because im very in my Feels about it (and i think you will be too)

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Part 1 Part 11

Frankie noticed every time your head snapped up, shadowy eyes darting towards the diner door. He noticed how your shoulders would lose some of their tension in relief whenever it was just a group of kids, or an elderly couple, or one of the people he’d come to realise were regulars to the diner.

You wore long sleeves tonight, telling him before leaving that it was to cover the ‘ugly ass’ bruise on your wrist. The less questions the better, you said with a smile that hadn’t reached your eyes.

Frankie carefully organised a stack of choc-chip pancakes on a gleaming white plate and set them on the window. You shot him a confused look – there weren’t any orders.

“You look hungry,” he told. Your face softened as you took the plate and grabbed a set of cutlery. It was nearing 1, and you were always hungry at 1.

“Do you know of any decent not-a-total-rip-off moving companies?” you asked after swallowing a mouthful. Frankie nodded.

“Yeah, me and the boys.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “No. You’ve already done so much I can’t ask you or any of your friends to give up one of their days just to get my shit back.”

“Well, yes you actually can,” Frankie countered, “and if the boys know something is important to me then they’ll help.”

“This is important to you?” Frankie fixed you with a stare and a raise of a brow. The look was one of pure are you serious right now? You threw up your hands and shrugged. “Okay, okay, I get your point. I’ll pay you guys, obviously.”

“Just a case of beer,” Frankie said. Tom might want money, but then against it was unlikely Tom would show up: he was leaving on Thursday. “Listen, just tell me the day you wanna do this and we will be there. I promise you that.”

You finished the pancakes and handed the plate back. “I was gonna let Lou know I wouldn’t be available on Friday night and get it done then.”

“Perfect, three-day weekend,” Frankie grinned. You smiled back, the first true smile he’d seen all night, and turned to greet a trucker who had just arrived.

Frankie grabbed his phone out of his pocket and opened the group text chat.

Catfish: Who’s free Friday for a favour?

Given the time, he wasn’t expecting an answer from any of them, so he was shocked when Benny texted back straight away.

Benny: Whatever it is, William and I are in. Even murder.

Catfish: It’s (probably) not going to come to murder. Just need help moving the girl I work with into her new place.

Pope: oh the 1 youre in love with? yeah ill help and ill bring that photo too

Frankie narrowed his eyes at the screen. He wouldn’t go so far as to say in love, so he decided to ignore that.

Catfish: It’s too expensive to hire moving ppl, so I said I’d help her, plus her ex is a cunt and I don’t know if he’ll try shit if it’s just her there

Pope: is she still there?

Catfish: No she’s staying at mine until she gets her stuff into her new place

Ironhead: Is this the guy you KO’d?

Catfish: Ok 1 why are you all awake? And 2 where did you hear that??? I didn’t KO him btw, but I could have if I felt like it.

Ironhead: I didn’t put my phone on silent

Ironhead: And I heard it from Benjamin. You know he loves gossip.

Benny: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Catfish: ????????? how did you do that?

Benny: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Frankie rolled his eyes and put his phone back in his pocket. They were impossible to talk to at this time of night, and he could already see that the conversation would just go in circles. He would find out how Benny made that weird little face though.

“Hey,” Frankie waved to get your attention, “the boys said they’d be happy to help, and they’ve all got pick-ups so no need to hire a moving truck.”

You looked confused, your eyes darting to the clock. “You spoke to them already?”

“Yeah, they’re light sleepers,” Frankie said. “Old army thing, I guess.”

You cleared your throat and blinked rapidly, “well, uh, let them know I’ll buy them all dinner as well as a case of beer each and money for gas. Whatever they need.” Frankie knew the boys wouldn’t accept your money, but he also knew you wouldn’t take no for an answer. This was something you could sort out Friday, he decided. If he was being honest, he was interested to see how would win that battle of wills. His money was on you. His money would always be on you.

~*~

“Can we go to the store quickly?” You asked, climbing into the truck next to Frankie once your shift was over. You were beginning to think of it as Your Spot now. Your spot, next to him, so close that if you wanted to you could reach out and hold his hand, lean over and kiss him.

“Yeah, what’d you need?” Frankie pulled out of the tiny diner parking lot and onto the road. Your cheeks heated slightly.

“A rotisserie chicken,” you mumbled, staring at one particular spot on the dash. “Sometimes when I’m . . . going through emotional turmoil I just need to eat. And I want a rotisserie chicken more than anything else right now.”

Frankie grinned his white toothed smile and you felt a little better about your habit. “That sounds like a fantastic idea, we should get two, one each.”

You smiled back, buoyed by the idea. The one and only time you had brought this up to Kurt, he had shot the idea down, grabbed your sides and commented on your weight. You knew there was nothing wrong with your weight, that there wasn’t no matter what size you were, but the comment hurt nonetheless.

But now you sat here in Frankie’s truck, and he seemed delighted with the idea of eating a whole rotisserie chicken in one sitting at 8AM. He drove to the grocery store, singing along to Stevie Nick’s Edge of Seventeen.

“I’ll go in, you wait here,” Frankie flashed you with a grin and raced into the store. You sat back, relaxed, and closed your eyes. You had been happier in the past twenty-four hours with Frankie than you had been almost the entirety of Kurt. You found yourself imagining a life with him; dinner at his cosy table, a new record playing every night, talking about your day at whatever jobs you had. Life with him would be comfort, it would be home. Your heart quickened at the thought of laying beside him each night in bed, bodies pressed against each other, skin against skin, delicious warmth -

His return snapped you out of your thoughts, the sight of him sent a rush of heat through you. He held a plastic bag in one hand, and keys in the other. “Should we eat these here or at home?”

Home.

The word sent a shiver of hope up your spine. Like he was saying it could be your home too. You moved an inch closer to him, so your thighs barely touched. It was electric though, the kind of touch that felt dangerous and familiar at the same time.

Your eyes met his and you wondered if he was feeling the same thing.

Taglist: @hnt-escape @sharkbait77 @1800-fight-me @annathewitch @darnitdraco @frankiecatfish @punkerthanpascal @nakhudanyx @gracie7209 @quica-quica-quica @pintsizemama @phoenix-of-loki

#the night shift #triple frontier #frankie catfish morales #frankie x reader #frankie morales x reader

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scandeniall · 4 years

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story of us

pairing: suna x reader

the story of ur relationship <3; alternatively (more) dating sunarin headcanons but this time is somewhat of an order and talks good and bad 2K+ worth lol

a/n: i had more planned but half of these have been sitting in my notes for months and its kinda fucking long already bc he lives rent free!!!

warnings: uh the usual aged up (in ur 20s time skip type beat), language, yeah

Meeting

Now when y’all met suna was not looking to love at all. That man was just living his life and so where you. The two of you pretty much meet through komori. You’re a friend and it’s his birthday so him and a few of his friends go out for drinks bc why not. Young hot pretty financially stable v-ball players. Nah no ones there for any type of hookups literally just there celebrating a great guy.

They rent out a section at a relatively nice bar tbh. Not the cheapest and you can actually hear conversation. But also not a super expensive one where the patrons are middle aged with jazz music and the occasional track to relive “youth.” Komori’s a sweetie and will come outside to get you when you text that you’re there. You’ve met washio and ofc sakusa Before so you greet them casually then you turn and there’s Suna and a few others you haven’t met.

That greeting isn’t anything special I promise. Just “hey I’m so and so” and vice versa. It’s one of those meetings where you just think “he’s cute” but it’s such a fleeting thought. Y’all don’t even really talk that first night tbh. At the next practice Suna mentions offhandedly that he didn’t know komori was dating someone and komori is like: huh? Yeah sorry. I love (Y/N) and all but were just friends. Suna just shrugs not really caring to be honest until Komori just asks what did he think of you.

“Don’t really remember much man. Seemed cool though” he didn’t think he’d really see you again. Yeah you were close enough to have been at Komori’s birthday but if that was his first time ever meeting you, he figured you weren’t from around there are present very much. Yeah he was wrong.

Suddenly you were on Komori’s snap story more often, or maybe he’d just been noticing more. Too bad he couldn’t even remember your name 💀. Then it turned into you occasionally popping up where he was. He’d been told your name at least 5 times already but wouldn’t remember it the next day. Whenever he’d see you again he’d get a strained look like: “what is this mf name again” just laugh and tell him again bby.

That changed at some random house party by another mutual friend you two apparently had? You two were the only people just around the fire pit trying to catch some warmth in the chilly night. He’s probably just on his phone head bobbing his head to the muffled music from inside. And you’re just like “remember my name yet?” All jokingly. This sparks the tiniest bit of interest in him and he lets out a low chuckle and just admits “not at all.” I also feel like this is the first time he really looks at you and he’s like 🤨, wait you’re actually kinda cute.

That night y’all just kinda talk and vibe. The conversation comes easy as you two jump back and forth from talking about the music playing to sneakers which he brings up to stuff that you like. He’s actually really easy to talk to. So easy that u can forget about him not remembering your name despite meeting several times. You mention that you’d hung around komori before while they were gaming and that he seemed pretty cool. That leads him to asking “how do you know him anyways?”

“I used to date Sakusa”

Mentally he’s just like— ‘yeah I’m not getting involved in this. Time to go.’ Until you just start laughing.

“I’m kidding. He’s not really my type. We met after being paired together for a project in school.”

The two of you spend quite a bit of time just talking that night until you are joined again by some friends and it’s deadass like y’all weren’t just talking for almost an hour straight.

Getting Together

The process of getting together is like a cat and mouse game. You two start getting closer than friends and then something happens and you’re not talking for weeks. Whether it be life just getting busy, and then someone ending up on some random tinder date or so be it. Definitely one of those things were somehow someway y’all end up just hanging on one of your couches watching a movie. At some point there’s definitely a hint of sexual tension but neither of y’all act on it (later on you find on his finsta that he used to post several “i wont you 😔” memes Folks can’t tell if hes joking or not (hes not))

You probably gotta tell that man you like him so if that ain’t you I’m sorry. Y’all not dating 😹. It’s something casual, y’all going to pick up some snacks for a movie night and why this mf keep looking at you out the side of his eyes instead of the road. You def texting the groupchat asking if you should confess. They tell you to boss up and just do it baby.

You literally end up confessing in that parking lot. Like right when he shuts the car off and starts swinging his keys on his finger and you kinda just blurt “I like you. Like like you.” He just kinda nods before his eyes widen. “Wait are you fr?” Like no you’re joking tf. It gets a lil awkward so you just go to get out the car and he’s like “I like like you too.”

I definitely don’t think either of you ever officially asked the other out it’s just at some point the understanding that you two are a couple. Like when you’re hanging out just you two hes more touchy, and then y’all start kissing and holding hands at some point. Then when you’re with friends he almost exclusively sits next to you and your friends notice the whispers in one another’s ears at the loud bar that seem just a hint too intimate for ppl who are just friends. Then y’all start arriving and leaving places together and people just at some point get the message (it’s later confirmed by you tweeting some shit like: I hate Rin why is that mf my boyfriend)

As far as anniversaries y’all draw straws to pick a day in the ballpark of the time y’all both think you became official. That’s the day you stick with even if it’s not true.

Relationship Flaws

A fault in the relationship is sunas kinda poor communication when it comes to things that matter. How he feels. Arguments. Love sure as hell don’t come east with anyone but when your partner won’t let you in? Yeah that’s like hell. That’s something you struggle with. And then on your end, it’s the impatience with him not letting you in. You try to wrongfully rush it.

There’s definitely been arguments that stem from him just being upset about something unrelated to the relationship then coming to you for comfort without actually telling you what’s wrong. He kinda just wants to lay with his head on his chest but at some point that’s not enough. Y’all are in a relationship and should be able to talk about your bad days too.

You’re not innocent in this issue either because sometimes it comes off too pushy. Yes it’s from a place of care but sometimes that silent comfort is necessary. The walls will break in due time and y’all both know that deep in the back of your minds But then there’s a part that’s like— yeah we can’t let this become the norm

“Rin, can you please talk to me”

He will have literally told you “whatever” and that he “can’t deal with this rn” several times as he just shrugs and is like yeah “I’m gonna just go home. I’ll text you later” with an awkward ass pat on your shoulder if it really ruined his mood. If he’s leaving before he gets super upset and uncomfortable just some half assed kiss in your cheek

Another thing is I feel like he could be passive aggressive and let’s be real other folks doing it causes you to do it to. Y’all probably drag eachother on your finstas where you can both see it lol

But when it comes to making up he cracks first and apologizes when he started it. Or as y’all get more comfy with communication. If it’s not anything major he’ll just hit you with a text like “I’m bored come hang”

More Relationship Things

I feel like he love/hates driving. Likes the ride not always driving though. So if you ever proposed a late night drive he’d be down (if you offer to drive). He does let y’all take his car though. He reclines the seat pretty far back. Alternates between just closing his eyes vibing w/ the music or kinda just looking at you (he the type of bf that makes u nervous no matter how long y’all been together)The way he looks at you makes you nervous cause that man is fine as hell and you can just feel his eyes on you.

He films you on Snapchat and sends the video to you like “you look hot”

If he’s not ‘resting his eyes’ he’s mumbling along to the music because he has the aux. if y’all music tastes are different he occasionally throws in something you really like bc he likes how you perk up at one of your fav songs

Moving on. Y’all dap eachother up after s3x because it’s “modern romance” (boy stfu). You two came up with a sex playlist together and it’s on both of your phones. Sometimes one of you will add a troll song that the other doesn’t know and put it in the lineup. (Stole my heart by 1D has definitely played before and you were practically in tears laughing at his reaction. That was one of those songs he was like ‘yeah alright i think we’re done).

At some point you two develop your own handshake and it’s cute. Whenever either of you have to travel without the other that’s always the last thing you do before you leave eachother. There’s vids of your friends daring y’all to do your elaborate ass handshake drunk and doesn’t matter what’s in your system, you both know it like the back of your hand.

I think he values quality time a lot so there’s so many nights where you’re both just chilling in his room just doing your own things. He could just be at his desk watching some game highlights and you’re just doing hw on his bed with your own earbuds in work all spread out and he’s content. He’s also attentive so if he calculates that you’ve been working too long he’ll just take ur earbud like “hey let’s go get something to eat.”

People definitely think he’s the lazy one in the relationship but it’s 100% not true. Like stated above, he’s very attentive and can pretty much gauge how you’re feeling in the blink of an eye. He knows when you need alone time but won’t go without reassuring you that he’s here whenever you’re ready. When you do just need him he’s there without a second thought. If you’re more touchy he’ll have your head in his lap his arm running up and down your as you tell him what’s wrong. He knows when to joke about a minor inconvenience and over the course of your relationship knows when to cut the jokes and be serious with you.

He’d never admit it but he knows your coffee order by heart (he keeps up his image my asking wtf do you get everytime. Just let him LOL). He the type to peek at what you plan on wearing and ‘accidentally’ color coordinate then pull some shit like “why are you copying me”

Y’all def shit talk together. See someone doing something completely out of pocket in public— straight to ur phones you go (pack it up shade room). To the public it just looks like you aren’t paying any attention to one another on your dates but y’all are. Just over the phone so u don’t piss off ur target 😌

Y’all are very comfy in your relationship that you just say stuff. Y’all don’t even think.

“Rin, what if i crashed us in this car rn 😹”

“Do it. Might be fun”

When you two finally move in together it’s almost like how your relationship starts. Slowly more and more spares of stuff for you end up at his. He does sorta make the move near the end of your lease and is just like “you’re here more than me anyways.” (hes nervous but swears he’s not. Bby you’re literally shaking). Him moving you in is like hell. This mf takes sooooo long to help with boxes. Picks up 1 then sits for like 15 minutes. You ask for help the first few times and he’s just like “I got you” while continuing to scroll his phone.

Sleepy Shoulder kisses in the mornings. Only form a greeting you get but it’s ok

this is like my 100th dating suna hc and im still going this is SICK. it was so hard to not drop old refs bc i still believe in them 100% yes i do!!!!

#haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #suna rintaro x reader #suna x reader #haikyuu imagine #suna imagines #hq imagines #haikyuu headcanons

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kristalpepsi · 3 years

Photo

Temptation Stairway Thoughts™ + Theory Discussion

TW: blood + Death mentions, Implied (forced/pushed) integration (systems), racism (against asians), unreality stuff bc the show is Like That, Trauma causd by therapy

TL;DR = I mainly talk about implied integration, n as some1 in a system tht! mkes me uncomfy! I mainly will talk abt wht I’m calling the multi-ena theory (n anothr theory ill call the Multiple/Multi-Enaverse Theory) thts been popping up n disccng how thts kind of the bggst thng keepng me on board! I won’t LIE I might b a little biased bc I rlly do like thise show b I am NOT blind so I will try 2 address som things. I also talk alot abt the Shepard n Phindol bc I love themb so much they make me very heart Big.

DISCLAIMERS:

Obviously Joel G Highkey/definitely/most probbly did not intend 4 any of thise, but media is very complic8d so u cn end up accidntlly making problmtc things or implyng not great things

I hav a typing quirkkkk so if u cant understand my post I rlly dont blame u! I’m sorry how I type is Incomprehensible™

Not an angry post, more like my brain is holding me host-ge until i talk abt everyth dskfjhd!!

DO NOT Send anyone in thise post hate or angry asks/messages or perish by my sword

OK so this recnt episde has me w vry vry mixd feelngs!!! I’m both happy n exctd! b litrlly 2 things is whts bothrng me. While I CLD jst say :I Am Lookng Away: i rlly do need 2 write it down. Under a Read-more bc im secure SKSJ

Part 0: I’m uncomfortable help

The Section wher i tlk abt n bring up othr ppl’s concerns

So fr most if nt all the frnds I hav who also wtch Ena ALSO has a vry “vr vry mixd feelngs now tht I’ve seen the episde!!” mood twrds Temptation Stairway! It’s 4 a bunch of rsns, like thise post (tw racism) mde by a frnd whch brings up a good point

Part 1: The Actual Intro

Episode 1 = Auction day (AD) Episode 2 = Extinction Party (EP) Episode 3 = Tempation Stairway (TS)

Who is Ena

Ena can b describd as an "abstract girl split in half, w 1 blue side n the other is her yellow side!" Each side (emotion/mood, 2 b specific) seems 2 hav their own voic actor credited along with seper8 credits 4 each mood! So far the canon sides r Ena (happy), Ena (sad), n Ena (drunk)! They seem 2 act accordingly: Happy acts happy n optimistc, Sad acts sad n especlly depressd, n Drunk acts confused n dizzy [In the Credits, it would look like thise: Ena (happy) by Gabe V., Ena (sad) by Lizzie Freeman, (drunk) Ena by Sam Meza

4 Episodes 1-2, thy follow thise pattern exctly! So we cn expect wht 2 see from them, n each voice actor is creditd accordngly as seper8 b all a part of Ena

On epside 3, Ena is seen as actng diffrnt!! She's suddnly less predictabl! I say thise bc Suddenly, her voic Actors r not stuck 2 Only their sides. Thise is also emphasized when looking at the credit list! No longer is it "Ena (happy) by Gabe V., Ena (sad) by Lizzie Freeman" it's now jst "ENA by Gabe V. and Lizzie Freeman"

Happy's voic can sound STRESSED n sad, Happy can tlk w Blue's side in mor control n Sad's voic can sound Really happy n optimistic. Somth's Diffrnt n Not The Same

Temptation Stairway Summary

Skipping 2 my point, The summary of the episode Temptation stairway is tht Moony and Ena have a bet 2 race 2 the Great Runas! The Great Runas, can grnt u any wish accordng 2 Moony n som of those Ena passes by on the wy. The wager, is tht "whoever reaches the top of the Great Runas n makes their wish 1st, has 2 pay the debts of the loser" (yes it’s phrased like that) As Ena journeys thru, The DIFFERENCES between Ena Temptation Stairway and Ena Extinction Party n Below, is mor obvious as the epsde progrsses, even 2 wher Happy's voic actor is the 1 screamng in agony 2 jst get murdered already. The Episode ends w Moony beatng Ena (but it's 100% possibl it can be the other way arnd, that ENA Beat Moony, b thats somth I'll discuss in a bit L8r). Moony splits in half, revealing that according 2 her, "she wished 2 be skinny" n a humanoid coms out of her previous form. As 4 Ena, Her blue side slowly dispprs n its not answrd why.

Theories so far, are:

Moony wished 4 Ena 2 b happy (or 4 her sad/blu side 2 go awy. 4 wht reason can b eithr wholsom or 2 Moony's advntge [like so she "doesnt have 2 deal w Sad Ena"]) - b if Moony wished 4 Ena 2 b happy/b rid of her sad side, tht wld mean perhaps she lied about wishing 2 be skinny (her new humanoid form may be how she is "paying her debt 2 the loser"). Unless the Runas can grant u more than 1 wish.

Ena ws the 1 who wished her blu side awy, whch is a little depressng tbh

If both the above r tru, it may b possibl bc it wsnt clarified (afaik) tht the great runas can only grant ONE person a wish (or more). I think we only get tht implica8ion bc we see 1 (open) door while in the distance, ther r more doors tht look like their eyes r closed. We hav 2 remembr Moony said "whoever makes their wish 1st whch means Ena n Moony can totlly mke wishes @ the sme time

Somhow, turning pure yellow/only happy is how Moony is payng her debt 2 Ena(??) (opposite 2 the 1st theory)

OR If Ena won the race, it can even b possibl 2 consider tht Ena did not make ANY wish, n her debt 2 pay 2 Moony is her sad/blue side removed (I do not subscribe 2 thise)

This info that was brought up 2 me is high evidenc that Moony won the race, n it explains how Moony surprises Ena whn Ena arrives. “I’m The Best and you’re the worst! I wonder who got the hair chest?” said by Ena, is a direct reference 2 a phrase usd by kids when they lose that goes “First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest.”

“Whoever reaches the top of the Great Runas n makes their wish 1st, has 2 pay the debts of the loser.“ Might be phrased tht way as a weird way 2 pay 4 ur greed? (Last minute addition from me since some people wld think this is quoted wrong in and outside of the youtube comments)

i'm p sure ther may even b mor theories b i dont rmmbr them OOPS

Part 2: The Implied Integration Part AKA: How the System!Ena theory is affected by this episode

TW: Final fusion discussion, medical trauma (Is that the right word)

Disclaimer: This is 100% unintended by Joel G. That’s y the Alternative title 2 thise part is “How the System!Ena theory is affected by this episode”

2 GET IN2 the whole Implied Integr8ion part of my Essay™ I hav a theory calld system ena or sys!ena! (Check out my #system ena tag. This is in chronologicl order!) While thers no canon explan8ion 4 how Ena herslf is how she is, she mkes very intrstng n almst good accdntl Sys Represent8ion 2 me! They even show cofronting rlly well! I headcanon Ena as a system bc of the accidentl system!rep, but it explains 2 me y n how she switches! she has triggers 4 when she switchs 2 a diffrnt side, etc!

Ther hav been theories about Temptation Stairway in the past (before the episode cme out) wher ppl try 2 explain y the trailer Looks Like Tht. Besides theorizing abt the introduction of a new forme (I'm ok w just calling it Scared/Anxiety 4 now until 4rthr notic), 1 of the theories ive seen is tht Temptation Stairway's new introduced forme is due 2 being something akin 2 being "integr8d" (probably by force, accordin 2 the OP) (in other words, all her sides merge in2 one) n Ena being devast8td abt it

While tht theory is now DEBUNKED, bc the new forme clearly did not come out bc of being One Single Mind now, the "integr8ion" part of tht theory is unfortun8ly a littl tru

What is Integr8ion?

Integr8ion is not inherently a bad thing. In systems, ther are 2 definitions: "the breaking down of barriers 2 form healthy multiplicity, n then healthy communic8ion n less amnesiac barriers" and the othr, n mor FAMOUS definition bc its the oldest 1, is "final fusion"

Fnal Fusion is when all the members "fuse/merge" 2gether until ther is 1 single mind left. While not necssrlly a bad thng, final fusion n ther4 "integr8ion" is a scry thing 4 a lot of systems 2 talk abt, because in the history of Treatment, Final fusion is uslly somthng forcd on2 systems 4 the longest time :^(

Very valid 2 hav final fusion as a goal, b showng it as a desire n end goal is uslly seen as a sad n even scry thing 2 promote accdntly or not in media, bc of the previous traumas in the medicl/therapy world of system treatment etc

What's Worse. is tht if we apply the Ending 2 Temptation Stairway to the System!Ena Theory, thts wht hurts!!!

Scrolling back up 2 the possibl theories of who won the race and wht happened aftr, Either Moony or Ena wishing 4 the blue side/Sad Ena 2 go awy is rlly painful!

B I'll be honest, thts a RLLY biased n personal opinion i hav!! I've seen ppl think its rlly wholsom altho a bit Sad, tht the blue side disappears. I've seen ppl think its rlly sweet esp if it was Moony who mde tht wish

BSCLLY If I were to hold on2 the System!Ena headcanon while watchng the Temptation Stairway episode, its Hurtful, not rlly bc of the implied Integr8ion of Sides, but bc most top theories r that the blue side disappeard on Purpose either from Moony or Ena wishing her away or involvng the debt! It's like asking 4 ur sibling irl 2 Disappear and cease 2 exist. it's scary n rlly sad esp whn the audienc can c tht Sad, Happy, n Drunk cn almst b seen as their own persons n mite even b abl 2 interact w each othr (as seen by the many fanart of Happy n Sad having their own seper8 forms)

Ok so Now tht ive described my intro n Main Beef w the Episode, here's a theory I cn rlly get behind tht dsnt mke me wnna cry behind a Denny's. Prsnlly it's a rlly relievng theory even if it mite b hard 2 take in

Ther's no name 4 it, som call it the Enaverse, b just so it dsnt get confusd w other definitions (like, u wldnt call it the Marvel Cinematic Universe theory, the MCU is jst wht it is) I'm gnna call it the Multi-Ena theory! Bsclly, there's mor than 1 Ena in thise universe. But I'll get in2 a sub/partner theory tht is also possibl: ther is mor than 1 enaverse n somhow u may or may not b abl 2 travel between them

Part 3: The Multi-Ena theory

Something interesting I noticed was that the shepherds says “another ENA troublemaker?” Which definitely means more than one ENA/person has been there before.

(I blockd out the rest of the commnt not bc it ws bad, b i wantd 2 focus on this part of the commnt, but thise commnt will come up again L8r)

Not connected 2 System!Ena or the integr8ion issue I mentioned earlier, the multi-ena theory seems 2 b 1 of the top suggstd theories bc of many thngs! Bsclly n in short, thise theory believs tht in the series (or Enaverse), ther is multipl ena's! So fr i havent seen a post tht RLLY went in2 depth on thise so here is my attempt!

Evidence:

(See: above explanation on how the voic actors r credited 4 their roles individlly 2 explain my system!ena theory/intro) In episodes 1-2, Ena's diffrnt emotions/sides r creditd individually! In Temptation Stairway, Gabe n Lizzie Freeman r all creditd undr the sme nme, just as "Ena" (mening thise is a completely different Ena from the past)

Again, as said in my summry 4 Tempt8ion Stairway, thise Ena acts compltly diffrnt n is not follwng the sme "pattern" or rules as Ena did in Episodes 1-2! (Read above in my summary section) Either ther r stuff we've missd between Extinction Party n Temptation Stairway, or thise is a diffrnt Ena entirely. I'd hav 2 sy prsnlly tht I'm leanng 2wrds the latter bc of how the VA's are crdtd. but if ur not convinced, let me continu:

When we meet the Shepard in 7:52 of the episode, they say (verbatim) "Arghh... Another ENA trouble maker." which implies there r more than 1 Ena's

9:08 - 9:19 when Ena jumps in2 the "Holy Code" where we head undrwtr in2 a sea of diffrnt doors, we see floating Ena models (n the comment section seems 2 gravit8 2 callng them "dead bodies") (Honorary mention: You'll notic they glitch in2 Mannequins if u pay attention 2 them). This piec of info is Direct Evidence 2 the multi-ena theory, bc ther r Explicitly mor thn 1 ena's on screen! wht's concernng n unanswrd tho, is y do they glitch in2 mannequins? Does tht mean all the mannequins we sw on screen in the begnng of the video (n onwards) were all previously an Ena? Is it only an Ena tht can transform in2 a mannequin or cn othr chrctrs also become mannequins?

Not the strongst evidenc b i'll input it anywy: Ena's Action boxes (Like when she receivs or gives items) spell her nme her as ƎNA (with a backwrds E). The thing abt thise 1 is tht we can't compare it with Auction Day n Extinction Part bc they don't have any action boxes. BUT What we CAN compare is how she is spelled in the dialogue boxes of those speakng in diffrnt languages AND in the Credits! In Episodes 1-2, She's Spelled as Ena with this captialis8ion. In Temptation Stairway the dialogue and credits consitntly spell her as ENA in all caps. May or may not allude 2 her being diffrnt, b i will admit this is the most Strechiest piec of evidnc. Tru or not, I'd like 2 refer 2 Tempt8ion Stairway ena as TS!Ena or ƎNA, prsnlly 2 differenti8 her frm the othr episodes

Pronounci8ion: BUT 2 build on the above evidence, In the beginning of the episode, Moony DOES pronounc Ena's name in different wys a lot, startng w I-NA (ai-na), ENA (ehna), n finally JENA. And this isnt new! She’s been doing it sinc Auction Day (ee-nah/ii-na) n Extinction Party (ay-nah). Thise may or my not sggst that perhaps Moony's inconsistancy is bc these othr pronunci8ions or names cld b of other ena's she's met in the past w similr or diffrnt preferences! I’d say because of her constant switchng in the beginning of Temptation Stairway, it would lean 2wards that she may know different Ena’s @ once. Otherwise, c the Multi-Enaverse theory below

Note: Every othr charctr besides Moony (So far; Merci and the Shepard) Pronounces Ena as ehna (or ehna) so it might be that perhaps Eh-na is the universal way of pronouncng Ena?

Conlusions/thghts on this theory: I prsnlly like thise a lot!! It makes Enasonas Very Possible, b also tht any interpret8ion of Ena cn b corrct or possibl! It knda saddens me tho bc im not rlly sure if we'll ever return 2 the Ena we're used 2, I wldnt rlly want 2 b stuck w/o Sad bc I thnk her role is rlly neat n can b importnt, b im biasd. I also rlly subscribe 2 thise theory bc it means whtvr happend 2 TS!Ena ds not hav 2 be permanent in the long run; Again litrlly the only thng keepng me from gettng supr upset abt the ending of Temptation Stairway, is tht the prev ena’s r not the sme n wld possibly not do thise, or tht ther r othr ena’s out ther besides THISE episod 1, who wld nvr do tht, etc

Part 4: The Multiple Enaverses/Multi-Enaverse Theory AKA The Alternative In Defense of Moony Mispronouncing Ena’s name over and over

An alterntve 2 the Multi-Ena theory, is tht there is MORE thn 1 Enaverse! So bsclly, a multiverse theory. Primarily thise my explain Not jst Ena's sudden Shift in how diffrnt she is in thise episode b may also explain how Diffrnt Moony is actng in thise episode 2. While thise isnt the top theory i prsnlly subscribe 2 (sinc ther isnt explicit evidence besides it bein an explan8ion 4 Moony n Ena's weird/diffrnt behavior), it DOES open a lot of doors 2 intrstng things 2 thnk abt!

Bsclly Moony keeps mispronouncing Ena’s name a lot (in Tempation Stairway) n its Really Rude, esp consdrng she’s always said it properly (As in @ least 1nce in an episode n not switchng multiple times) b4! so 2 Explain her Sudden change in behavior, this is actlly a Different Moony, besides a different Ena. this is a whole different universe/timeline!

LIKE If not multiple Ena's, The different Loca8ions in Ena cn probbly b traversible across dimensions! The Holy Code may b the door 2 diffrnt enaverses. The Shepard's garden cld b an interdimensionl place tht is singular n deals w diffrnt beings passing thru! While i dnt hav mch 2 sy on thise, its RLLY Interestng 2 thnk abt

Like the Multi-Ena theory, thise also opens the doors 2 enasonas being vry possibl :^) Som ppl's evidences r all involvng Moony besides how Ena's rlly diffrnt

Moony can skateboard??

Moony's square shape hole can shrink 2 hold an item

while not strong ATM or frm wht i cn see, its still very inch restng!!! Tho I would sy it is VERY on par w the Multi-Ena theory anyway

Part 5: Honorary Mentions: Mini Theories

The Great Runas is actlly a play on the "Run As" Command! I'm not very Smart engh 2 break thise down vry well, b bsclly w all the allusion 2 "codes" n the Blood ID looking like a Chip, The Great Runas being abl 2 grant u wishes makes a lot of sense! This ws brought up 2 me from a friend (@ambercard)!

like its a command line. so then the great runas being able to grant wishes makes sense if its digital world like all the code stuff says Allows a user to run specific tools and programs with different permissions than the user's current logon provides.

Runas is a command-line tool that is built into Windows Vista. To use runas at the command line, open a command prompt, type runas with the appropriate parameters, and then press ENTER.

In the user interface for Windows Vista, the Run as… command has been changed to Run as administrator. However, you should rarely have to use the Run as administrator command because Windows Vista will automatically prompt you for an administrator password when it is needed.

and my friend who i was talking to said that probably explains what the password was for and the blood id being a login or something?

its possible using the blood id akin to using the run as administrator command since idk their name but one of the people ena met said the blood id didnt seem like her which is like. if she isnt administrator then it would make sense that using that command wouldnt match who she is

My response:

man do u realiz Ena uslly does not hav the corrct passwrd/admin privileges all the tme? Bc the guardian entity in extinction party askd her 4 1 b i guess it ws so Low Game tht it wsnt supr necsrry in the end

The Enaverse is all a computer code of some sort- most probbaly a game! AKA: This is a digital world

... If we were too treat this world as a video game this would make more sense since different play through bus and all that. Oh god this feels like a fnaf situation, taking a video that just wants to be a video and turning it into a big serious thing

Going with the whole ‘there are multiple enas representing the player’ theory, perhaps this ENA realized that she’s in a video game and isn’t taking it too well? But the game is kind of glitching out because of it.

Honorable Mentions: Random Info + Unanswered Questions

Ena seems self-aware of smth! (10:24 Ena screams "YOU'RE ALL LIVING A LIE!") May help the Run as command idea n the video game/digital reality idea! If not a video gme, they sure r Somewhere

What does the Great Runas look like?? is it the door? is ther mor thn 1 Runas?

What is Mariya n Gabo's Job? R they just like the Guardian Entity in Extinction Party but are assignd 2 this part/location of where they are?

In 6:30, wht does Ulysses mean by "Desires r never fulfilled nor quenched"? "You Will fail like the rest of them" Is he referring 2 the other Ena's that's passed by? who else have come n failed?

This Post Also brings up som good points I hvnt noticd yet!

Thise comment pretty much says everythng:

Standout things from this animation:

-This Ena switches between a male & female voice at seemingly random instead Happy speaking with a male voice and Sad speaking with a Sad voice. The text boxes noticeably refer to this Ena with a reversed E, and The Shepard says "Another Ena troublemaker", implying that there are multiple Enas. We also see some Ena corpses flickering into the mannequin bodies at one point. Third, at the end we see Ena's sad half turn from blue to yellow over the course of Ena & Moony's conversation. My personal theory is that this Ena is possibly 'broken' in some manner. -Moony either doesn't care or dosen't realize that Ena's voices aren't matching the personalities anymore. -The grey personality appears to come out when Ena gets too stressed out. Notably the transformation involves the happy half turning into static and exploding out, erasing Ena's face in the process. It also appears that some physical trauma (in this case, Brick Frog kicking Ena) is necessary to exit the grey personality, unlike the previously seen 'blackout' personalities which can possibly be switched by the other personality exerting themselves (in the auction episode, Ena enters her sad blackout/depressed personality, then switches to Happy!Ena, who apologizes to Moony about her depressed outburst). -Moony's hole is capable of closing to hold things, and she also knows how to skateboard. -Judging by Ena's reaction, Moony's transformation at the end is weird even by this universe's standards.

aaaand thats all 4 now! I really hope thats all my brain can think of skjsdhfsdfkh

Feel free 2 send me asks abt Ena theories n stuff! While this is a Comprehensiv post, it’s definitely mor focused on the Multi-Ena theory n my thghts on the episode whn it comes 2 how it affects the System Ena theory. I’m open 2 questions!!

Last Edit: Feb 19 2021 (GMT +8)

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des-draws · 5 years

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it's officially July but I'm still on pride mode!!! can't stop won't stop

Here are my lgbt+/queer hcs for class 1(g)A(y)!!! Here's what they are in case you don't recognize all of the flags (bc let's be real before I started coloring this I wouldn't recognize at least a few of them either ;^; ), strap in bc it's going to get l o n g:

(also they’re listed in the order they’re shown in the deviantart post rather than this one oop)

- Ojiro is trans!! I feel like he prefers being stealth but still celebrates with all his classmates because it's such a special occasion :') - Tooru is pan and a demigirl!!! It's her first pride and she's hyped!!!! And full of love!!!!! Love Is Stored In The Tooru!!! - Todoroki is a gay demiboy!! His trauma has made his experience with gender rather vague and blurry but he's still happy to have a label to somehow describe himself!! He's using End*vor's credit card to buy all of his friends pride merch!! - Midoriya is bi and trans!! He's been so happy to see his friends discover themselves and even more so to see them celebrating :') - Iida is bi!! As the second of the three members of the Rich Kids Club, he also wants to support and reaffirm his friends by buying them pride stuff!! - Kirishima is gay and trans!! I hc that he's been basically the class' go-to for gender identity/sexuality stuff bc he's been out-and-proud since Day 1 until pretty much everyone had a big coming-out ("I'm gay!" "Cool! I think I might be bi! :0c" "I...might...not be a girl???" "I'm pretty sure I'm [ace/genderfluid/etc.]" "What's that?" "Oh, it's [...]" "...might have to look into that. I think it might fit me too?" " :'D !!!!! " ) (he probably cried bc he was so proud of everyone) and then things calmed down a bit . He's a tinsy bit sad ppl no longer come to him for it but he pushes it down because he's just so!!!!!! happy to be surrounded by so many ppl like him!! - Bakugou is gay, trans and demisexual!! The last part was the hardest for him to figure out and he spent a lot of time being confused at other people, it was when Sero shared his own orientations that he thought maybe he wasn't as alone as he had thought :') - Uraraka is bi!! She's spent years thinking her crushes on girls were just her being jealous/wanting to be friends with them/not as important/stong as the crushes she's had on boys. She's getting over that internalized stuff now and I'm proud of her!! - Tsuyu is a trans girl and a lesbian!! She's been very open about wanting people to call her "Tsuyu-chan" because she chose that name herself!! And she's so happy that everyone here is supportive of her and each other!! - Yaomomo is also a lesbian!! This is her first pride, she's so excited to see all these people with different identities and experiences come together, and while she could easily create pride merch herself she much rather prefers supporing the indepentent LGBT+/Queer creators selling their own! (Hence why she bought two different variations of the lesbian flag for both her and Jirou!) (and probably many more of the stuff you see everyone wearing lol) - (Speaking of,) Jirou is also also a lesbian and also nonbinary!! Her only connection to girlhood is her love for other girls, but other than maybe updating her wardrobe a little she doesn't mind presenting femininely. - Sero is asexual, demiromantic and genderflux!! He's v. chill about everything, he probably found out and was like "Oh. Ok cool. I'm hungy" like he has a very laid-back attitude abt his identity/orientation but he Will defend his friends' to hell and back. Group mom heck yea - Kaminari is bi and nonbinary!! He was scared shitless to the point of losing sleep when he started figuring out that he miiiight like boys too, and even more so when he realised he might not even be a boy?? Thankfully being surrounded by so many supportive people (and having Kirishima as one of his closest and more trustworthy friends) helped him accept himself :') - Mina is pan and trans!! She's always been very open about being a Romantic™ but rather than being the Disaster Pan that gets flustered around everyone, she's the Disaster Pan that flirts shamelessly using Terrible pick up lines ("If we were dating...heh.....let's just say horses wouldn't be called horses anymore ;) " was the first ever thing she said to Kirishima, which earned her an extremely confused and somewhat flustered "I'm????ga y???? ???????" (it was the first time he'd admitted it out loud so he kinda thanks her for that) ) - Tokoyami is bi and trans!! A while back I read a fic that happened to have trans Tokoyami in it and was like "You know what. Yeah I can see it!" Emo culture is probably what helped him realize, with it playing around with and disregarding gender stereotypes and everything. - Aoyama is transmasculine, genderfluid and aromantic!! For the longest time he'd much rather have people mistake him for a feminine/gnc boy rather than a girl. It took him a while to come to terms with his aromanticism, since pretty much everyone expected him to be gay- he kinda expected it himself too, since he never liked girls that way, so?? But when he found out about the term "aromantic" it was like a weight lift off his shoulders. - Shoji is netrois and androsexual!! He knew he liked boys early but he's avoided dealing with figuring out his gender out of fear that he'd be disappointed- he's only ever seen nonbinary/genderqueer people depicted as androgynous and much smaller in stature than himself, so he thought he'd never fit. Seeing everyone else come out (especially the other nonbinary classmates of his), he stopped hesitating and starting working on coming to terms with himself!! - Satou is asexual and panromantic!! I don't really have much reasoning for this, I never really thought about it (or Satou himself) but when the time came to draw this I was like "Satou likes baking.....and puns are ace culture......FOOD PUNS!!! OF COURSE!!!" I'm sorry glkjhklhfdlkhj; - Koda is a trans boy!! He's had trouble recognizing it at the start because he's always been soft-spoken (almost nonverbal) and timid and kind, and """"those aren't traits of a boy""""" but he was so happy when he hit puberty and started growing So Much in stature due to his genes and people started "mistaking" him for a boy!! He came out to his parents almost immediately bc compassion and kindness seems to run in the family and he knew he'd be accepted even if they didn't completely understand!! He was more scared to come out to his classmates but when two, three, four of them come out and are accepted for being trans boys, he knows he'll be safe with them too. - And finally, last but not least, Aizawa is gay and trans!! He might act somewhat aloof about this stuff, but secretly he's very happy that his kids students all have eachother's support, and most of them their families'. Part of him is a little bitter and wishes he had the same kind of support system in their age, but he's going to be there for them if they need him nonetheless. He has his own support system now, and that matters a lot, too.

But wait!! There's M O R E !!!!! - I always love love LOVE how fanartists/editors give some of the characters more animal-like features, so I did that too!!! I went Full-on-Frog with Tsuyu (and I'm rather proud of how she came out (lol) ), but also I gave Mina some Sharp Chompers and a Fluffy lil' tail bc It's What She Deserves, and Ojiro a lil' toof poking out and ears that sharpen a lil bit at the tips? I hc that as he grows, other than his tail he'll start growing more animal features like that- sharper teeth, longer ears, claws and also, get ready.....pawbeans........the last ones give him Heck when they start growing out, and he needs his palms massaged at least once a day while they do :'( His legs get weird too and they end up looking more like a wolf's back legs :0c - I gave a lot of them freckles!!!! bc I Love Freckles!!!!!! also, as my sister very eloquently pointed out, I gave Uraraka "A R M S,,,,," bc. let's be honest. the girl got martial training she's not a twig - Sero is holding the polyamorous flag behind himself, Kaminari and Mina bc.. u guessed it,, they're all dating each other,,,,, lotsa smooches and cuddling and shenanigans bc there's only maybe one(1) braincell between the three of them and most of the time sero has it - Todoroki, Midoriya, Iida, Kirishima, Bakugou, Tsuyu, Yaomomo, Koda and Aizawa are also autistic. Yes all of them. No I won't explain. (unless you ask in good faith and want to share your own hcs pls ask me then I'll explain everything and you can expect it to be as long as this description!!!!!) (I might draw something about it when it's April again maybe *thinking emoji* ) - Oh!!! and Tooru, Kaminari and Mina are ADHD. Kirishima is also dyslexic. - Bakugou has been losing his hearing ever since he entered U.A.- sure he's always used his quirk but never freely to that extend and with so much power behind it, so getting into fight after fight with such close proximity to explosions that big really did a number on his ears. He can hear a little better with the right one than the left, so Kirishima has gotten used to walking by his right side before his custom hearing aids came in, and then just stuck to that. Bakugou's custom hearing aids block out any noise above a certain volume bc let's assume technology has advanced to do that. When he and Kirishima started thinking about working together as heroes even after they graduate, Bakugou requested custom ear protectors with similar block-out features as his hearing aids for Kirishima so his ears aren't damaged by working so close to Bakugou (Kirishima cried). - I'm actually quite flexible on which of the two I hc as trans, or if I hc both of them to be. The "both gay + demi Bkg" is pretty set in my interpretation of them, but I find it interesting how their friendship/relationship could manifest and grow somewhat differently depending on if both of them are trans or if only one of them (and depending on which one of them it is). They're still the same loud rowdy boyes we know and love but there's different conversations to have and difficulties to tackle between them based on that factor alone, and frankly? I Adore It.

Okay that's all!!!! I think. Thanks for reading, if you did!! And if not, I completely understand lol

I hope you had a great pride month!!

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gg-astrology · 4 years

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🥺😔☀️💓❤️💓

a rambly all-over-the-place personal note! Incase you just want to hear from me and talk to me!! I know i’ve been gone for a while so if any followers old/new wants to hear what I actually say when Im not answering posts, here it is! 💓❤️💓

the main point so you don’t have to see any of the mess: any asks that talks to me like im google will be deleted!

note: the main part of this isn’t even about the above so if u’re looking for drama or me angsting you may not find it here!! i think i sound more like im fatigued and on my last brain cells.. talking about everything and being v sappy and mellow.. so!!! 💓❤️💓 no drama. not here! not today!

ok now, consider:

what do u guys think about me just taking it easy... i dont know if you’ve been here for a while or for long.. but I usually do pretty detailed research posts?? about topics like moon phase in astrology, basics on essential dignitaries, etc.

Astrology ‘topics’... stuff like ‘what is x chart what does it mean’ or ‘what is x concept how does it work’ -- not about placements usually!!! 💓❤️💓Asks about placements I just answer for fun from my inbox.. but posts I actually make.. those are the type of things!!! 💓❤️💓

And well.. I just came back.. not in the mindset right now.. so i was thinking.. would u be ok/interested if i take a break from those posts and maybe post more idol astrology stuff?? nothing serious, I just want to have fun and talk about placements and gush over people who may have similar placements to us and how good they are + how we can learn from them...

Its just fun stuff?? very light-hearted (dont talk to me about crying through them sometimes, bc theyre so good even when i see harsh aspects/them going through manifestation of that throughout their careers) -- idk!! I just want to maybe talk about girls for a while and like, ask people to love girls and support/appreciate girl groups and asian soloists and artists...

idk!! just a thought.. like.. i’ll still answer astro stuff and maybe i’ll slip astro posts in there as well.. 90% of my blog is still main astro stuff.. just that 10% maybe i’ll do more idol readings.. it lifts my spirits and i like talking about them!! i know its a niche in tumblr, esp the kpop gg astro stuff.. but like... girls...!!! and seventeen members (im nearly done oh my god theres 3 more left!!!)

I know i put a lot of effort into the bangtan readings bc theyre like-- the semi between my usual intense stuff and the light-hearted ones so im-- probably not gonna touch them yet (for now) -- I always have high expectations for them because they have to be a certain Standard. There’s alot of great bangtan astro posts out there -- part of that is also v pressuring. But another part is that I want to contribute to something in the community as well! That is like, new and welcomed and good and Not Bad... so... I’m holding off bc I have to have like, a week to actually write, edit, re-edit, check myself before I (usually) publish them.. so... this is ur warning my bts inner readings wont be coming out soon!!

im just talking about gg stuff -- or other idols, thinking about twice and gfriend and oh my god.... girl groups...

I rmb I used to do it to promote solo artists that might not have gotten alot of attention as well.. I still have drafts about Bolb4.. now consider: younha... also consider: xiao zhan, wang yibo... oh my god... but what if-- idk!!! idk!!!!!!

Anyways I just want to let u know whats been on my mind!!! I honestly dont really know? I posted the bangtan answer today (with a warning beforehand) and AS SOON AS I PUBLISHED 4 people left -- to be honest its pretty funny,,, its kinda funny right?? i think its funny,,, like kpop repellent,, but also i Get it!!! its not for u its ok dont take this social media thing so seriously... its fine i do it all the time too, dont feel guilty over blocking or unfollowing someone - do it as soon as you feel uncomfy tbh its a safe place for u make it ur safe spot!!

But!! Yeah!! 💓❤️💓 Idol things, thoughts? 💓❤️💓

And this is not related but I was looking at old questions/asks in my inbox (some that ive alrdy answered but its still there -- like 6 asks? so thats... 6 out of the current 122 asks oof) and people are So Nice and So Polite to me!!!! amazing!!! fortunate!!!! One lucky bitch!!!!! Thats me!!!! Im the lucky bitch, who?? people are just so courteous towards when they request or asks for something?? wow---

Its only like, half way in the middle of my old asks that I realize once its more mainstream astro ppl start sending asks in like im google search... rip anyone who does that i deleted the ask bc i have a faq.. my only rule is that be nice.. not playing by the rules!!!!!

Its also a little introspective to think about it now.. how back then when I didn’t realize it was happening I carried through and answered them anyways bc like... atleast people were asking?? they’re curious?? right?? keep the public fed! there’s people out there who does enjoy my actual answer than the ask itself...but like... now that i’m back and Refreshen: any asks that talks to me like im google will be deleted. I’ll quote this and put it up before the read more so thats the main meat of this long rant!! 💓❤️💓

basically what im saying about all this is: don’t let people treat you that way, or anyway you don’t feel absolutely positively happy about. I’m still keeping some asks that I do want to answer/I think can be turned into great points. But marie-kondo yourself, you don’t deserve to be treated like someone’s encyclopedia, dictionary or google!!!!!

they don’t really care, and it doesn’t really matter if you answer or not -- bc they can just type in the same thing to other astrologer out there and mayb someone will hit it and answer for them. So!!!! dont compromise, delete anything that doesn’t treat u like human. Bc u’re not a bot!!!! Do better!!! This is from future nita to past nita!!! Do better!!! This is why u burnt out and went awol for like a month!!!!!!!! Dont let this happen again or get into the habit, cry to ur friends!!! Ask ur beta for help!!!!!!! Add some people in as ur admin so they can clearly tell u what is right and whats wrong!!!!! dummie you’re too soft and kind!!!!! stop making excuses for others!!!!!!! do better in 2020!!!!!

So this is my rambling over!!! Answered 42 asks in my queue, know that around 30 of them have already been posted. That’s 72 done today!! Not to mention the 30 yesterday -- I was v dumb and didn’t close the ask box, thus I had +10 asks in my inbox today but its ok!!!!!!! Let the people Speak!!!! I’ll post this PSA now and go I hope u enjoy hearing from me even if I’m just rambling -- love u!! take care of urself!!! i hope this helps or entertain anyone who’s looking to know me better or hear some words from me personally!!!! this is me, signing out!!!

#personal #this is honestly just me rambling #open at ur own risk #its v risky #i use many exclaimation marks #and also im on my last brain cell

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sidespromptblog · 6 years

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The Anniversary: Part 1

Summary: Some time has passed since the events of Blank, however, soon enough Empathy and Logan's anniversary is coming up. With tensions still a little thick, Logan isn’t the only one having a little trouble with things.

Roman knew something was the very moment that he walked into the kitchen, he wasn’t exactly sure just what it was that was bothering him, or rather he did. It was just that he certainly didn’t want to say it to Logan’s face, or the sole person he had an issue with. Nevertheless, he knew something was off the moment he saw Logan standing there at the counter wearing a familiar striped shirt, happily spreading jam across some of his buttered toast.

It shouldn’t have seemed too odd really, ever since Logan had gotten his emotions back, and since things had smoothed out a little between all of them. The logical side had been a lot happier with his guard dog constantly standing next to him, to Logan things went by as usual, even if for the rest of them. Or rather just Roman in general, everything seemed way too different than before.

But that my fault isn’t it? I should know that. After all, I’m the reason he got screwed in the first place. Roman scolded himself sourly, and a frown tugged at his lips. Yes, he really should have known that nothing would have gone back to the way it was before, that was wishful thinking. Something that was his department, even if he wished that it wasn’t.

Speaking of guard dogs though, Roman watched with a varying degrees of jealousy as Empathy snuck in behind Logan, and Roman’s insides boiled hotly at the sight of Logan’s tie hazardously and rather lazily tied around Empathy’s neck. He had to hold his breath though, the moment he noticed Empathy wearing the nightshirt that was Logan’s as well. What took the cake though, was how Empathy looped his arms around the logical side’s waist. Drawing Logan’s back closer to the other’s chest.

The jealousy is a raging fire by this point.

“Darling dearest, honeydew, my wild little bruise…” With each word Empathy placed a lazy kiss on Logan’s neck, and feeling the other’s body shiver he couldn’t help but to grin into the side of his neck before Logan let out a soft chuckle. However, when Logan turned, Empathy soon found himself to be silent, as the warmth of the other’s lips pressed against his, silencing him as Empathy went lax against him.

Logan’s kiss tasted of the sweetest and most tastiest jam in the entire world.

“Happy anniversary, Emmie,” Logan whispered the moment that their lips parted, giving just the widest grin as Empathy’s eyes stayed closed for a second longer, as if the other side could still imagine the taste, the warmth, and feeling of Logan’s kiss even after he was already gone. It warmed Logan’s heart to see such a bedazzled look on his boyfriend’s face, then again, Empathy had always acted like it was his first time in love. No matter what Logan did, and no matter how long they had been together. There was never a dull moment between them, it was as lively as a part that never ended.

Empathy was the kind of party that Logan never wanted to leave.

“Honestly Emmie, I would find much satisfaction out of kissing you again. But,” Logan stuffed a piece of his toast into Empathy’s mouth, before pecking a kiss onto the corner of the other’s mouth. “You need sustenance first.” Smirking to himself Logan strutted away to the fridge, even the way that he moved was different than how he used to be with the others. Roman could see it as clear as day, the logical side seemed almost more at east, or...looser with Empathy. Even the simple action of Logan rifling through the fridge was different, no cold calculation of what would be most efficient.

Logan usually went for eggs and coffee, something that would give him a lot of energy for everything that he usually had to accomplish during the day. But even that was now turned on its head, as Logan looked right past it.

How often had Logan been wearing a mask with them? How often did he feel the need to hide away from them, and only show his true self with Empathy? How...and why couldn’t it be them instead?

All of these questions burned inside of Roman, they tumbled around in his mind like tumbleweed in an empty dry desert that hadn’t seen rain in years.

“Mornin.” A voice next to him grumbled, mere seconds before a pair of lips pecked him on the cheek, and blinking quickly Roman found his attention directed back over to Virgil who had come shuffling out of his room. His hair, in all honesty, looked like a bird’s nest, or like he’d lost a battle with a guy who had fists made out of balloons. It stuck up in every which way, an honest to god mess. Roman loved it.

“Good morning my knight in dark armor.” He chirped out, his cheery tone garnering a wince from Virgil, before the anxious side merely patted him on the shoulder. Too cheerful then, he’d have to tone it down some. “Did you sleep well?” He instead asked, holding his arms open as an invitation, and just like that Virgil’s head thumped against his chest.

His questions got a tired groan in response. Up until three in the morning as per usual then.

Patting the top of Virgil’s head, Roman’s eyes caught another movement off to the side, as Patton’s door opened and the moral side, with the pace of an actual snail. Dragged his feet out of his room, one side of his hair was completely slicked up, and his cat pajamas that he usually wore hung off of his shoulders as he slouched while walking. Squinting his eyes, Patton focused them on the cup of coffee that Logan usually left out for him, and reaching for it he fumbled for a second before picking it up. He inhaled deeply, the smell of caramel and hazelnut coffee was like the essence of the only thing that was good about mornings. The moral side sipped at it, the life slowly coming back into his eyes the more empty his cup got.

Eventually, they all ended up eating at the table, a pile of bacon, sausage, and banana pancakes in the very middle.

It had become almost usual for Logan to sit beside Empathy, as well as for the two of them to finish before everyone else. Even if they did wait until everyone else had finished before they dispersed.

“Lo,” Bringing his head up from where he was reading his book, the logical side in question glanced over to Empathy. The sight of the guilty smile made his insides twist in an unpleasant fashion, but just for a moment. “I’ll need to make some preparations for tonight, as usual you know? But…” Empathy chuckled, scratching the back of his head as he looked almost sheepish. “This time, you can’t go into your room. I’ll need it, is that...alright?” Empathy hesitated in asking, his leg bouncing up and down as his fingers fiddled with the end of a sucker stick that had been relieved of its candy.

Luckily the look he got back was understanding, a look that made his insides relax and melt all at once. The image of Logan’s uncaring eyes glaring back at him was still all too fresh, he knew that it was silly, that it was preposterous. But there were still some days where he expected to wake up next to Logan, and to see the cold stare of Apathy looking back at him like he was looking in a mirror.

It was silly, but then again...there was nothing silly about losing the one you loved the most.

“It’s fine Emmie, there’s tons of stuff for me to do down here, and I’ve got a surprise of my own that I need to get ready as well. So don’t you worry, take your time.”

Roman fumed in silence as Logan leaned in, the creative side’s hands were clenched tightly under the table, so tight that his knuckles turned white and he felt his hackles rising.

At least until he felt Virgil’s palm resting on the back of his hand.

Looking over, he too saw a look of understanding, pained understanding. This...this was something neither of them had expected, and something that had hurt the both of them. However, Virgil seemed to be taking it in a much better way than Roman was, that was for sure.

So he took a calming breath, as Logan pulled away and Empathy scooted his chair out to head on upstairs. However, the moment that Empathy glanced over to Roman, he felt his insides furiously twisting as Empathy sent him one last sly and yet incredibly coy look. That only served to bring his emotions right back up to the surface, where they simmered. However, even with the look, even with Empathy clearly knowing. Roman couldn’t help but to feel even worse, he couldn’t help but to almost hate himself for how jealous he felt of Empathy.

Logan was happy, shouldn’t that matter more than any frustration he felt?

Tagged:

@neko-ereri

@seas-space-and-stardust

@estraevelyn

@katatles-the-fish

@greeneggsandham1998

@ibelievewhatsontv

@sleepyssnail

@thats-so-crash

@serious-ppl-wear-neckties

@secretlyanxiouspersona

@nerd-in-space

@blue-wolfbane

@cats-vetal-miking-vomit

@ab-artist

@moonstonefox12

@echomist13

@goofigami

@temmiecupcake

@nyamafriend

@cyberpunkjinx

@noahlovescoffee

@iaminmultiplefandoms

@entpscarleharrrr

@dragonsight9

@sanders-is-awesome

@tea0-0stache

#apathy!logan #logan sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #angst #hurt/comfort #logem #so much unresolved tension and issues #kisses #logan and em did the sex off screen #the dance with no pants

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

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Hi!! So this is an honest question so i hope it doesnt come off as rude or anything- but doesn't the thought that everything you post here can be reblogged make you more reserved or anything? Idk how to explain it but whenever i wanna post something here i think about doing it for a super long time to be sure i want it to possibly be on the internet forever- but i see you're comfortable with sharing pretty personal stuff so i was just wondering if it affected you any way or maybe it was just me?

lmaooo it’s cool!!! there’s an unending AMA going on here and off the top of my head i can’t think of anything off-limits to ask about

it’s definitely not just you!! out of the ppl i know off the top of my head i’m probably really far and away doing the Most airing my bullshit. if you ultimately don’t like the idea of stuff just kinda sitting around to be seen by Anyone, that’s valid and there’s no problem with feeling like that makes you wanna Not Post some stuff

like this is especially true for young teens on the soche media…hell i just entirely threw out the blog i’d had from like 14 -18, and not because i was particularly embarrassed or anything, it just felt mostly obsolete. you can become someone so different in even one year and that’s fine and you might not want Old Venting and the like just sitting around out there. it’s definitely okay to be real private about that kinda stuff

i know sometimes ppl having sorta Compromises where maybe they’ll create a second blog / account specifically for talking abt personal stuff, and then only maybe allow friends (or nobody) to access it; or people will just tag everything with Delete Later and then go back and delete it later so it’s not out there forever, or just because they find it embarrassing soon afterwards lol

for my part, there’s definitely multiple reasons i pretty much don’t care

1. i never used to Vent post back in the early days. but one of my earliest examples maybe was this sudden essay i dumped on my blog when i was 16? 17? abt how unhappy i was at home. it took me till i was 18 to really start to realize that what i’d always lived with was literally abuse, and it was things like The Sudden Venting Essay that really helped me put it all into words and be able to organize my thoughts enough to write about it and realize that there was a lottttt of shit i was rly miserable about2. ever since then really i’ve found that when i write about something, whether messaging it to someone or just posting it in general, a ton of times it helps me kinda make connections or figure something out or just feel like i have a better grasp on an idea.3. even after i started maybe doing the occasional venting post, for a long time i was really hesitant about it, but this was mostly b/c i felt like i didn’t have ~real~ enough problems and/or nobody would really care. as for the former, well yesterday i was saying how i still have this underlying feeling that i’m an imposter / don’t count / not REALLY as ___ as other people or whatever, so i’m still working on that, but it definitely doesn’t upset me as much as it might back in the day. re: the latter—tbh i dont care if nobody cares. i write abt personal shit b/c i care. my entire blog is About and Because i care, and if other people care, great, if they don’t, ok.4. a lot of this is about having compassion for myself. i don’t look down on other people for making personal posts, so i don’t look down on myself, either. 5. more self-compassion: there’s probably olden text posts from the early days of this blog that don’t even sound like me coz my Outer Demeanor has changed a lot these past 5 or 2 or 1 yrs. but even if i stumbled across some Old Post of mine and was like “lmfao whats up w THIS loser” it’s like….well, i’m sympathetic to my Earlier Selves. this applies to like, me never deleting Late Night Sad Posts or whatever (even tho nowadays they’re never exactly like i’m upset, maybe just Melancholy or in a mood to talk abt something saddish) coz i’m like, well, even though rn i don’t feel like i Need this post, back then i did feel like venting to feel better! and that’s fine. i don’t find that embarrassing. it’s like if you’re thirsty on one day and you drink some water and at some random point during the next evening when you’re not thirsty you think back on that time you were drinking water and you’re like “wow, embarrassing.” well clearly its not a perfect analogy but the point is sometimes you might feel you need to talk, and sometimes you don’t, and both times are ok. its not an embarrassment to have been upset6. this blog is the most personal thing in the world for me lmao its my Main social media presence, goes back five yrs, and for like. well the whole five years its been what keeps me from being way more isolated than i am. irl friends have been long distance this whole time (save a couple exceptions) and mostly my way to talk to ppl has been on here. this was especially important when i was at my parents house for a couple yrs. it was fairly awful and being able to be in touch w ppl and being able to SAY it was awful was clearly important, and i became more inclined to write abt shit rather than hold myself back b/c my being able to say anything was important7. i still talk about things b/c being able to say anything here to people in the outside world is important8. i can’t be like “i cant talk abt this b/c its not important/interesting enough” coz if i did i wouldn’t talk abt anything. i just write b/c i have things to say, and this is my pointless blog9. i don’t expect i’ll ever become Well Known in any circles. for me the more likely concern is kinda disappearing either due to dying or incarceration or some other shit scenario. the times i talk on here are good b/c that hasnt happened yet and i have the option10. even if i did become well known, i don’t really care.11. also for uh…all the times i was living in my parents house thru my life i was really really isolated. for eons i was used to nobody knowing shit abt me and keeping p much all my thoughts to myself. nowadays this blog is what lets me be able to sorta Known and Seen and able to get in touch w ppl if we wanna. basically, there’s nothing TOO personal. i’m not even trying to push myself to “overshare” coz like i said, p much nothing is offlimits. i’ve just had a lifetimes worth of being very invisible and unknown to anyone12. actually i can still be very cagey abt myself in person. learning to be more open On Here is a bit helpful for that. 13. idk that anyone else would give a shit about old vent posts from me either. when i talk abt me im talking abt *me*, its really not even vaguely interesting when removed even one degree from that specific context. 14. maybe there’s the chance some shit will happen to be Relatable to other ppl and somehow helpful to them15. for example, a lot of how i realized i was actually experiencing abuse for real was thru anecdotal / qualitative posts abt it. sometimes there’s shit you think is Just You only b/c nobody else who it applies to is talking about it yknow16. maybe making it seem less a big deal to talk abt your bullshit if i unapologetically talk abt my bullshit17. i remember my younger self feeling like i didnt ~deserve~ to talk abt my own thoughts & feelings the way other ppl did coz mine weren’t as good, so i kinda do it for them / in celebration of no longer feeling that way18. i actually like to talk. i just usually can’t. irl i very very very very rarely talk at length about myself, i don’t talk much at all. for me this is where i get to talk19. hmm i may have skipped or forgotten something obvious but hey. for now, there’s this. no-limits milo they call me

#long post ///

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notesofarichlycolorednight · 5 years

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Get to Know the Writer Tag Thing

idk if that’s the actual name lol, i just copied and pasted the questions and came up with my own title ^_^;

was tagged by @queen-of-ice101, thanks babe. these are always fun to do

1. Pen or Pencil

i don’t think i’ve written fanfic on paper in forever wow, but when i did (or occasionally will do), i always used pen. i hate making mistakes and having to clumsily cross it out, but pens are smoother and don’t make noise. honestly writing with a good pen on a thick pad of paper is a stim for me

2. Have you ever drawn your OC’s?

twice. and of only one of my ocs. both for inktober 2018. other than that, not really. i’d like to get into drawing more, but i’m just really more of a writer at this point in my life. also drawing ppl??? is so hard???

3. Does your writing ever make you cry?

not that i can remember. chapter 49 in i need another story almost made me cry, but mostly when i’m thinking abt painful scenes, my heart aches. even then, once i’ve envisioned it a lot, the ache eventually disappears. unless i forget abt it, then come back to it, or if it’s just a really painful scene, then the ache never really goes away when i’m thinking abt the scene

but no, bc i guess they’re my ideas. i’m expecting them, i’m writing them, and eventually become desensitized to them

4: If your Muse was a person, what would they look like?

okay so i’m confused by the wording of the question. bc at first i thought muses could be anything. then it occurred to me that they might only be ppl??? or at least take human-like shape bc they’re, i’m assuming, based on the nine muses of greek mythology, who take human shape/form.

maybe i’m reading too much into the question. anyway, my muse has never been a person/taken human shape if i’m honest. it’s been more of an amorphous blob that i haven’t really felt the need to give shape/form to. so to tell you what it would look like as a person...don’t know if i can do that lol

my muse is way more abstract, and i’ve never felt the need to make it concrete in any way

5: Which of your pieces would you choose to be remembered for?

like most writers, i’d like to be remembered for a published book of my own work. read riordan gave me an idea to base a book around chinese mythology, and which takes place in china. who knows, i may even write it in chinese first bc i’d like to become that fluent. the trick to this answer is that right now, this idea is also just an amorphous blob rn lol. i don’t have the time to do the research or flesh out the plot/characters (i don’t even really have those two things lmao). much too busy for that i’m afraid ;_; there is a one-act play i wrote for my creative writing class i’m particularly proud of currently

if i were to pick my fanfic i’d prob have to say itps--the oc pjo story. but only bc i’ve worked so long and so hard on it, and on my oc. if you asked me again in five years, i’d probably tell you smth different.

and i mean that’s the thing to this question. i’m still super young, and i have so much time to write more and continue to grow as a writer, so to choose smth to be remembered for so young almost seems unfair, tbh

6: How much have you written or worked on your WIP so far today?

LMAO ZIP, ZLICH, ZERO

my amorphous muse has gone dormant. i wouldn’t say fled if only bc i think i’ve unconsciously made it dormant so i can focus on finishing my master’s thesis

like would i love to write??? YES OF COURSE, I WOULD BE DOWN TO WRITE ANYTHING AT THIS POINT

but when i go to write, i find i physically cannot (bc smth psychologically is going on up there; could be stress, could be writer’s block, it’s probably those two and a multitude of other things). bc part of me knows that i can’t involve myself in such a big project (even small one-shots) bc i need to be completely focused on my thesis. the other part of me feels unable to control this ability to start writing. which is the worst part

schrödinger’s amorphous muse: when will my muse return from war? my muse has already returned from war.

woe is me

7: Have you ever based a piece (or a portion of a piece) on a dream?

don’t think i have. my dreams tend to be too weird to base a piece or portion of a piece on. if i was writing a fantasy story, it may fit in better. but currently, i write stuff that is based in more realistic-fiction worlds so

like i have very weird dreams. also many of them are stress dreams related to bathrooms (ugh) and school (ugh x2). as if i want to base smth that brings me joy on smth that stresses me out

8: Do you prefer silence, a little noise (music, ambient noise, fan etc) or a lot of noise when you’re writing?

it really depends on the mood i’m in

sometimes i’ll want to listen to talking, but it has to be smth i’ve watched a million times or don’t care abt at all if i am to concentrate on writing. they could be tv shows or video essays, etc. but that’s mostly if i’m not writing like fun/fictional stuff with plot and storyline, bc the talking then just interrupts my train of thought. unless i’ve seriously watched it so much/couldn’t care less abt what i’ve put on

mostly i’ll listen to music. i don’t have playlists, as much as i wish i did. my music library just isn’t that big. i’m such a picky person when it comes to music. and also i have so many other things i want to do than make playlists honestly. like i’m envious of ppl who make playlists, and i’m not saying that those who do make playlists have nothing else to do like at all. not my intention at all. however, at the same time, making them isn’t one of my top priorities

anyway, depending on my mood i’ll listen to the same song(s) on repeat again while i write. sometimes the song matches the mood of the scene i write, but it doesn’t always have to

sometimes i’ll start a song but get so into the scene that when the song ends, i don’t turn it back on anymore bc i don’t need it. sometimes some scenes require a lot of concentration that i can’t listen to anything. i actually need/prefer silence

i’ll only listen to ambient noise if i’m trying to drown out other noises, and only when i’m writing academic papers lol

9: Do you have any routines before you sit down to write?

nope lol. some scenes i’ll imagine for weeks before sitting down to write them bc thinking abt how the scene will play out helps me fall asleep, but also helps me figure out exactly how the scene will play out so when i do sit down to write, it flows so easily onto the page

unfortunately this doesn’t happen with everything i write--only the big, emotional scenes. and even then, i imagine these scenes as movies scenes, so when i go to write, there’s a lot more detail i have to think abt and add in ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

other than that, i don’t really have any routines i absolutely need to do before i sit down to write...i mean does opening all the folders i need, including the folders on my flashdrive so i can easily save and then transfer the saved document to my flashdrive count?

10: Have you ever participated in NaNoWrimo or a Camp?

i wish! but no. never had the time. like WHY NOVEMBER DO YOU KNOW HOW BUSY STUDENTS GET DURING NOVEMBER THAT’S LIKE THE ABSOLUTE WORST TIME TO HOLD IT FOR WRITERS WHO ARE STUDENTS

and like i get that the whole point of it is to get ppl who say things like “never had the time” to write. but that’s the thing, it’s not like inktober, where it encourages a very armature artist (i.e., me) to draw at least one thing everyday. i already love to write and i already write when i can if i don’t have writer’s block and my amorphous muse wants to cooperate

so when i say “i don’t have time” it’s bc it’s in the middle of the fucking semester and i’m swamped with midterms and papers and my ga-ship which requires me to help everyone else who are also scrambling on midterm papers like jeezums i’m not bitter or anything

i know that camp tho has other sessions that aren’t in novemeber, so we’ll see if i decide to participate in those. i can really only focus on one story at a time, esp if it’s a big story i’m really invested in. so participating while i’m researching and writing fanfic would be difficult for me. also the pressure to do the research i want to do in such a short amt of time would probably not be conducive for me, just personally. esp on top of another story where i’m researching and writing (even if i do put it aside to focus on camp) but since i’ve never participated, i wouldn’t know if any of that is necessarily true

thanks again for tagging me! i’ll tag two ppl i know who are writers lol; and as always with these things, feel free to fill this out or not: @talking0fmichelangel0 @lucifers-favorite-child

if you follow me or we’re mutuals and i have failed to realize you’re a writer, feel free to fill these out but tag me so i can read your answers

#about me #dat writing life got me like #fun stuff

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davidjjohnston3 · 3 years

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7.24.2021'Reflections of a Russian-Romantic-Orthodox-Post-Soviet Obstetrician / Aspiring Catholic-Post-Reformation-Unified-Church Pediatric Neurosurgeon (Divider of Freak-Conjoined Child-Brains) cum. Bethlehem College and Seminary M. Div. Global Studies + Savior of Worldwide North Korean Studies + Policy + Final Flaming Sword Destroyer of Democrat Intellectual Arrogance, Child-Hate, God-Hate and Anti-Korean Racism' Flaming swords that divide people, change the world, change souls... Russia's determination to remember tragedy as well as mercy and a spirit of gentle adoption whereby they treat students and other young people much different from what I did; also Russian anti-Nazism - everlasting I imagine - in an age when respect-me-or-die attitudes, moral purity, intellectual hubris and Scientism, messianic corporatism and much else are either being accelerated or badly necromanced as everyone tries to settle every little score (an easy way to forget all the starvation, organ-harvesting, betrayal of human promise that is going on every second). I'm only writing this because it's 7:08 in the morning and it's easier to write than not to write. Lately I developed the habit of 'Holding the Dream' to paraphrase the title of a Nora Roberts novel about children that I tried to turn in to 'Project 521' in a gentler time. I read a C.S. Lewis essay though I forget which one, perhaps 'Home,' about being known. When I read this essay at night it reminds me of a more trusting whole time as does Knausgaard's 'A Time for Everything' whose title is a joke at several levels; a book I'll finish reading, if I even finish 'Autumn' which is my favorite work of his about an unborn daughter, a 'notebook-letter-bouquet' which is a genre I appreciate.For a while I felt I was close to greatness and that my mind and heart were in unison with those I most respect around this globe such as Chancellor John Piper with respect to abortion-culture - playing God - but no matter what I say this is a Maoist era in which power has to be backed by guns or other 'hard' resources. I was also compelled or perhaps tempted to provide background for my spiritual development which in retrospect attracted 'assassins' who were only interested in cherry-picking my worst moment. I honestly came to feel that there is some 'unconditional evil, unconditional hatred' in some that makes them - no matter how nobly they speak or how hard they worked in the past - determined to destroy something at the end rather than build something or help someone or do what they said they would do.I wondered if I blasphemed someone or something so that God allowed the Prince of Darkness through these people, every professing Christians or family-members. People are talking about spirit and intellect and insight but forget that Lucifer has all these in abundance. I've had some delusions and kept responding to people outside of myself. I learned a lot about people whom understanding was without purpose or profit as a) telling them to themselves, that their expectations were wrong or criminal or sadistic or nihilistic or of the party of 'the protest of ultimate futility' - the messaging whereby someone says ultimately nothing matters or you don't matter - was never going to alter their mindsb) this increased experience of human / spiritual evil didn't really constitute increase of knowledge, wisdom, understanding but only more 'CCP-esque pimp-love lie-fare gas-lighting brain-damage; brick to the head' or to put it more gently a wrong emphasis of factors which distorted mood or disposition as an orchestra with good rehearsal, preparation, and conductor could be eroded in the wrong hands over time, and people were just trying to wear me down in a 'Bleed France White' war of attrition against everything I've tried to be and do I also realized of late the time had come to give up certain perquisites that I had had in mind to one day gain or 'help myself to.' At the bottom of my soul I guess I always wanted to cash in; someone else on FB after the miraculous sparing of my life in 2012 started spreading around an experience that I had had with a student in 2012 which was nothing like the K-wave NC-17 version could have been the CCP deepfake character-assassination pretext for WW3 or Covid unrestricted biowarfare against white guys. Words can't fly back in to the mouth that once let them out and at this point I have no idea what my legacy could be - or in a way hopefully no one even cares anymore although I suspect they keep some version of the story somewhere for a dinner-party IDK why I am saying this; you can reason with some people / try and teach them but if they have no compelling reason to change they might just savage youI wondered lately whether some people really believe. They want life but their interpretation / understanding or imago of life - who knows? 'Tomorrow will be like today only more so' (Isaiah, mutatis mutandis). They might love life or hate life but they want it and they also often don't care where it comes from, which is part of why right now the debate over social justice or the fact that so much in the United States comes from outside of the United States, or the fact that poor Millennials et al. are often still unable to get married and have children while Boomers ride emperor-on-palanquin- style on top of the Social Security system and reproach us for believing, like the title of a novel about Shanghai, 'What We Were Promised' at the breakfast-table or in (public, Democrato-Maoist-intellectual-town-bike-fruitbasket) schools about freedom, self-esteem, magic - world peace, nuclear disarmament, the 'salvation' of the natural environment, outer space, technology, non-traditional families, racial reconciliation, international adjudication of breaches of international law and esp. enforcement of human rights. It struck me several times in recent months and years that the rulers, the sovereigns, the princes and great captains of the nations I admire such as Israel and Korea were often either a) special forces soldiers (such as Moon Jaein, Ehud Barak)b) human rights lawyers (Roh Moohyun, Moon Jaein again)c) spies (the individual who might actually have closest to total control of world-events right now; or at least the ultimate veto of everything and everyone, with variable selectivity and specificity / detail) I don't know if I was overreacting or what; I was comfortable with my 'modest income' from mental illness and felt adequately justified since I was engaged in respectable activities; I felt I hadn't really had a moment's rest in life since I was about 4, constantly shot at, judged, abused, thrown to wolves etc. and blamed for my own problems since I 'didn't "make" daddy____.' I even believed I had a chance to re-emerge since everyone amid Covid appears to be essentially on the same side. Before recent events I event felt an 'FDR-moment' / 'New Deal moment' was feasible under Biden though I now see clearly I believe that JRBJr. can't control his underlings, staff, et al. as FDR was able to do; and America and the world are simply too complicated. Vladimir Putin was saying - and he doesn't always lie - basically that constitutional democracies are too weak. Neoliberal+ shills, 'Wahh bureaucracy, Milton Friedman, grist for our mill, cliche, cliche, eat the poor, abandon the weak, post-partum-abortion, God is dead' but a lot of these people are part of a bureaucracy as well and Russia's got government bureaus, CCP does, Korea does. Anyone who ever loved or admired Confucius or studied China knows - though many such as Ezra Vogel and Tu Weiming and some dumb-ass Australians and Indian-Singaporean pervert this knowledge for pleasure and profit - what can be achieved through sincere, spiritual, loving, reverent, educated, talented, qualified, also beauty-loving, statecraft.I guess the only question in a way is whether Microsoft themselves have nuclear weapons or Google built the guidance-systems or something and that's not an LRB title though if I had lived a purer life to this point I might be on staff there or at least they'd welcome me in the cake-shop. Howbeit at this point my 'last wish' is kind of to die in Korea where they journalists are NOT affected or mercenary, and the rag-picking of ppl like me is not fake or ultimately egocentric / meretricious / simulacrum or sham-virtue (again I hate to talk about Nietzsche since I wanted to move on to just David Platt, Saint Augustine, John Piper, John MacArthur, global Christianity 2022). Korea's also, I noticed, a country where the Covid body-account appears to be honest and I know for a fact, as Dr., Prof, much else Eric Feigl-Ding has been talking about on Twitter about 25 hours a day, a country in which the Democrat mentality of 'you got sick you're stupid' or the Milwaukee mentality of 'you got sick bypass watch you die joke at bar but we're still good Christians South Park Satan must be good to be evil sometimes' isn't in effect and people have resolved to do everything they can both to prevent and to mitigate as well to contain or pocket though no one wants to talk much about that. Like I said the other day I wish I were in Korea; I also had a dream about one of those free-standing station-stops in rural Japan that reminded me of 'Cafe Lumiere' by Hou Hsiao Hsien and a conversation I had with Prof. Ban Wang fmr. Rutgers and last I checked Stanford about how Japan had built these intricate rail-systems in order to help preserve rural culture. Another good film about rural Japan is 'Hanamizuki' although IDK if post-Covid anyone is going to want to talk again about micro-sized kindergartens, the Iraq War, fishing, the meanings of trees, following through on commitments or promises, or returning gratitude and love. IDK whether the stuff I read over the last 5-10 years about housing-prices in places like rural Japan or, alternatively, Vladivostok are as low as I've read but if they have good internet I might go if only b/c people there aren't interested in teaching you every lesson or extracting the max. from you then leaving you to die in the name of 'getting to know one.' There's a short Somerset Maugham book called 'The Moon and Sixpence' though I don't admire Maugham that much and prefer his literary criticism / critical appreciations of other writers and cultures to his fiction but it feels like what some people are looking for today is more like 'huge amounts of money, charming personality, offer we can't refuse, satisfying sexual favor or we either vivisect you or pozz you up with 1st-gen anti-psychotics / kill you with ECT and still deny the exist of God, as well as demons.'My other privileged Millennial friends are all mad at me for not bearing fruit and my 'last love' said I dishonored my parents but Koreans & maybe they don't get just how much Mark Johnston et al. are totally committed to reversing course at the most destructive possible moments and never paying what they said they'd pay; like how terrorists will sometimes detonate one bomb for the civilians and another for the first responders on the scene - though maybe I just ran out of chances.

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translightyagami · 6 years

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Lawlight (duh) for the ship thing Also, if you're into any of these - Drarry, Malec, Ichiruki, Sakunaru

uhhhh i only know drarry tbh but not well enough for a ship meme dlfajsda sorry. anyway here’s lawlight.

who is more likely to hurt the other?

they both hurt each other on some level just bc they hv v combative personalities and also they r WATER SIGNS which means they r constantly in a fight over who is more valid. jokes on them tho: they r both unvalid as hell. light will center an entire week around getting back at L for something he did bc he’s basically amy dunne playing the long con all the time. L will hurt light in ways that last. he’ll just come out of nowhere with something like, “maybe it would be better if we hadn’t met” and light will just go quiet. that’s like, a sore spot L will push on if they argue bc he knows light is incredibly insecure abt his standing in L’s life. idk man. they love each other but there’s a lot of stuff they’re working thru and they’re leaving some scars along the way.

who is emotionally stronger?

hm. i think L is. he’s toughened up from all his experiences as the world’s greatest detective and had to deal w a lot more emotional crises than light. when it comes to big setbacks, he’s more likely to take them in stride whereas light is like that post that’s like “i’ll deal with it but you gotta let me be dramatic first.” before anything, he’s gotta scream in his scream jar then he can put those anxieties into the fridge and go back to figuring out his life.

who is physically stronger?

they hv abt the same physical strength. that’s less of a contest between them, altho light does sort of like it when L can lift him up. he’s done the same for L a couple times but its more fun to b carried than to b the carrier. anyway. if ur asking who wins more fights? then i would say that light wins a lot of their brawls bc he’s not afraid to play dirty. he has a sibling, he’s fought these battles many times before. its no rules just right in this house.

who is more likely to break a bone?

light has a lot of sports related injuries but not a lot of broken bones. meanwhile, mr. stays inside all day on my laptop has had three broken bones all from falling down the stairs or slipping on shit. just, like, hold on bc i’m picturing light and L sitting in the urgent care waiting room, both with broken arms bc of a roller skating accident. i don’t know how ppl break bones.

who knows best what to say to upset the other?

see this question and the first question r so close and so the answer is like both of them know each other well enough to hv their fingers poised over a particular emotionally destructive button at all times. i only say L is better at upsetting light bc he’s more willing to go the extra inch of underhandedness. of course, light nvr shows that he’s upset on the outside. no, he remains cool and calm, laughs it off probably, and then goes into the bathroom to hv a full scale meltdown in the dry bathtub. to b fair, that doesn’t happen often. its only during big, BIG arguments.

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument?

oh i don’t think either of them hv apologized once in their whole lives so it was a big step for them to apologize to each other. light caves first, trudging into L’s office with the most pathetic look on his face and being like “i’m sorry i called you a trash bag with arms.” and then L sort of sits there and has an inner conflict for a second before saying, “i’m sorry i told you looked like a kohl’s mannequin but not hot.”

who treats who’s wounds more often?

if their fights ever get too intense and someone gets hurt, its usually L knocking his head against something sharp and light has to like sit him on the toliet so he can fix him up. when he’s administering first aid, light starts to fuss over L and makes a lot of concerned noises.

“that hurts.” L squirms as light gives him stitches. “don’t pull too hard.”

“relax.” light says. “i’m actually quite good at this.”

(will i ever stop quoting that one line? no, i won’t.)

who is in constant need of comfort?

i don’t know abt comfort but light needs a lot of reassurance, both verbal and physical, that L does care abt him. he needs to b assured of his place in the world and in their relationship which L isn’t super great abt doing. but light is usually vocal abt when he needs comfort around L, whomst he rarely hides much of himself from, so its nvr a problem of L just not knowing. he just has no clue how to react.

there’s been a scarce few times when L has needed comfort after a taxing case but light is right there to just sort of, uhhh, hold him. let him make some horrible noises and talk. they try to b there for each other. its something they’re working on.

who gets more jealous?

oh for sure light. he gets flushed w jealousy anytime L shows a little more attention to someone else who could possibly usurp light’s romantic position in L’s life. its not fair. those ppl nvr worked as hard as he did to get L’s attention, to get his love. L thinks its kind of funny and will do shit to make light go green eyed. but that shit stops after they work with a french officer who gets a little too flirty w light and L just like, shuts that down. not so fun to b on the receiving end of that kind of jealousy.

who’s most likely to walk out on the other?

light. he’ll fucking do it at the drop of a hat too, just fucking walk out and not come back for three days. of course, they both think they can handle being separated so neither of them calls the other. but on the third day light’s trying to eat mcdonalds in his car and put a sausage mcmuffin in the hole L’s absence made so he goes to call him but his phone rings and it’s L on the other line like “please come back i forgot how quiet things r when ur not around also if ur at mcdonalds can u get me an apple pie okay thanks i love you.”

who will propose?

dklfsadlsfkj neither of them. they don’t want to get married tbh. i just literally can’t see them ever wanting to get married. if ur gonna put a gun to my head abt it tho, i would probably say light does but its only bc his mom started a campaign to get him to make an honest man out of L.

who has the most difficult parents?

um. i mean i guess light’s parents r more difficult. its not that they’re difficult tbh its more like they’re still adjusting to the life their son decided to lead bc its waaayyy different than what they thought was gonna happen. like first he’s gay (which isn’t a huge surprise to them like they’ve seen queer eye for the straight guy. they know things.) and then he’s dating some 24 yr old reclusive detective that happens to hv been soichiro’s boss for like a couple months and now light just sort of solves crimes w his boyfriend. so they’re being supportive but they’re also a little bit confused so sometimes it ends up in awkward situations where everyone’s at the dinner table and sachiko is like “so. what do your parents do, L?” and L is like “i don’t know who my parents were. i think they’re dead.” and she’s like, “oh. hm. well. that must b rlly rough for you.” meanwhile light is p much eating his napkin so he doesn’t start screaming at how little control he has over this shitty conversation.

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public?

they r rarely in public but uh. light does. he’s getting used to being out and part of him just rlly enjoys the physical evidence of their relationship that hand holding provides. that closet was so suffocating. it’s time to let those hands breath a little.

who comes up for the other all the time?

i still don’t entirely understand what this means entirely but i’ll take my best stab at it. i think L comes up for light a lot, esp if he’s talking to like the wammies or literally anyone who isn’t light himself or his family. like, p much everyone is like “but.....he’s kira???” and L is like “look. listen. i don’t know why but he’s. he’s rlly important to me. so its maybe better if we don’t shit talk the guy who sucks my dick? at least not rn.” he doesn’t do it v often bc usually the insults thrown toward light r well deserved but sometimes he does. light doesn’t come up for L like ever. he nvr talks to anyone abt L. whomst would he tell? yamamoto? secretly he goes on a couple message boards tho and send mean anon messages to ppl talking shit abt L but that’s as close as he gets.

who hogs the blankets?

L will b wrapped in a big old blanket bundle like that picture of homer simpson where he’s like “ah. i’m just a big cozy cinnamon bun.” light’s like curled up on his side of the bed w just the sheet but then L reaches over and drags him into the blanket bundle so they r both toasty cinnamon buns together.

who gets more sad?

L is more prone to bouts of depression and can get lethargic if something hits him the wrong way. the first few times it happened, light tried to shake it out of him but he’s learned since then that he’s just gotta ride this shit out. so for a few days or weeks, he’s just got a sad boyfriend so they watch a lot of netflix and don’t get a ton of work done.

light v rarely gets sad. he’s got a v positive outlook on life and doesn’t let a lot of stuff ruin his mood. but when he is sad, its like a big event and he’s crying in the dry tub in just his briefs and a sweatshirt while listening to sufjan on repeat. look. he’s just gotta get it out of his system and then he’ll b fine!

who is better at cheering the other up?

light is better at finding stuff to cheer L up. if L is in a funk, he’ll go search for a good case or an interesting lead so he can present it to him like a cat dropping a mouse in front of him. L is.....not so good at cheering light up. all he knows is how to piss him off. but after a while he starts to puzzle out that light flourishes under praise so he’ll try to keep telling him what a good job he’s doing.

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

i said this in my mikami/light post but uh, light laughing is so uproarious that he just. whacks the person making him laugh on the back super hard. L doesn’t do anything the first time but the second time he grabs light by the wrist and is like “don’t. control ur self, u loud scream laughing monster.” light keeps his hands to himself when he laughs after that. he’s actually quite embarrassed of his natural laugh bc it is so obnoxious so he often tones it down but sometimes!!! shit’s just too funny!!!

who is more streetwise?

neither of these two know a god damn thing abt the streets. ok, L knows a little bit but he forgot it after building a giant fucking building for one investigation team of like six ppl.

who is more wise?

L knows more abt the world and has more experience than light does. he’s not quite wise?? but he’s definitely more knowledgeable and it smacks him in the face a lot how super young light is. how much he just doesn’t know. but L’s only in his mid twenties. what the fuck does he rlly know?

who’s the shyest?

mmm. they aren’t shy ppl by nature so i’d say neither of them. esp when they’re together. combining their levels of pure confidence is like putting a fire in a room with more fire; it just increases the amount of fire. as their relationship progresses, they get more assertive w each other and idk man. they just don’t do that shy shit.

who boasts about the other more?

mmmm. i don’t think they brag abt each other a lot but i think light kind of wants to brag abt being w L. i mean, he didn’t think it would happen but then L did come and want to start something with him and its like?? wrow. but he doesn’t rlly hv anyone to brag to so he just sort of lets it sit like a smoldering piece of coal in his stomach, keeping him warm. L exculsively brags abt light during video conferences w the wammies like “MY PARTNER, WHO IS A GENIUS AND V ATTRACTIVE, AND I, WHO IS DATING THIS ATTRACTIVE GENIUS, HV FOUND A CLUE” and like everyone rolls their eyes like “dude u told us the same shit last week like please please please stop telling us abt ur hot boyfriend.”

who sits on who’s lap?

light!!! sits!!! on L’s lap!!!! all the time!!! he curls up in there like a cat and plays w L’s hair.

“am i making it hard to do ur work?” he asks, fingers scratching on L’s scalp.

“yes. but that’s okay. light shouldn’t move.”

so he doesn’t and just falls asleep there, hand on the back of L’s neck and drooling on his shoulder. its cute in like an ugly way.

#death note #dslafjskdjfhaskjfh this is so LONG #why do i take so much time w these like c'mon dude #u got other shit to do #:/#devilcornflakes

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survivorsunsetrodeo · 3 years

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Ep 9 | I’d Rather Make Moves When I Need To - Emma

Okay, I am so sad Brandi is gone, but at the same time, it's not the worst thing for my game. The good part of it is that we tried to make a move on Emma, we flushed an idol, and we weren't detected. I think this twist is actually super helpful in these moments because if you try something, and it fails, no one knows unless it gets leaked.

Another good thing is that Taylor's closest ally is now gone. I know that Taylor is super close with Ari, which is good, but I also want her to be super close with me. Not just for strategy reasons. She's also super cool and I like talking to her! Apparently she did tell JABARI of all people the vote was on Emma, so no wonder they knew how to idol tonight lmao.

Idk I feel pretty okay about my position in the game playing the middle rn I just need to not spread myself too thin and keep the targets in front of me.

Soooo Tribal went off without a single hitch. brandi went home despite playing both of her advantages and Jacob wasn’t even near getting voted out. The main clownery of the night happened right after tribal. Ali started going on about how he felt like Brandi didn’t deserve to go home, when there were people currently in the game who didn’t care. If you think she deserved to stay, maybe you should’ve given her your immunity? Or better yet, volunteered to go home? And while we’re on the topic of who cares, haven’t you either flopped in or just not submitted in multiple challenges? Since I was still on the tribal call, I asked him who he was talking about, even though I kind of had a good idea of who it was already. He said Emma. and since Emma wasn’t there, we are aligned, and I know she was going through some things, I felt the need to stick up for her. I found it pretty disrespectful that Ali would say that so it did make me a bit mad. I of course alerted Emma right after it happened because I feel like she deserve to know, and she confronted Ali about it in the call after tribal. I’m sure everyone knows Emma and I are working together now, but I couldn’t let her be dragged through the mud like that. I’m really worried Ali and Taylor, who I know are aligned, will try to target me now. I understand where Ali was coming from though. I’m also a person who is driven by my emotions and I tend to say stuff without thinking about it first.

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WELL all things considered that vote went pretty alright! i didn't manage to mist emma into using an idol for jacob so they could get blindsided, but other than that, things worked out pretty much how i hoped. jacob was saved, an idol (and lots of money) was flushed, and i can plausibly tell both sides that i voted with them even tho actually i voted ali for insurance purposes >:~) also we got major info about the location of the other idol when brandi didn't play it and it didn't go back into the shop, i.e. jabari MUST have it because there's no other possible place it could be. i know none of my people have it, and nic was so convinced that me/jacob did that i have to believe none of that group have it either, which leaves little old jabari who's been asking soooo many questions about everyone's funds and where items could possibly be. color me a little shocked but honestly kudos to her! now she gets to stay alive another round since that gun is an idol again.

other shop updates are that taylor's gonna buy something next round and so is dan probably, which will be great for getting them out of other people's hands and knowing for sure where they are. i can't believe i own shares in 2 of the 3 items currently in the game, how cute of me honestly. everyone else is now broke so that's delightful, i prob should've extorted myself for even more money so they'd think i was fully broke too but ah well what can you do.

i am a little worried about how ali's antics last night could potentially reflect back on me this round but i think i've done a pretty good job of covering my tracks there - i talked to both nic and emma immediately after and was like yeah i don't condone that behavior, and josh knows i wanted ali out over jacob because i got him to throw a vote that way with me, and obviously none of taylor/dan/jacob are gonna let me get targeted for that either sooooo i think i'm all good. once again, jabari is a wild card but i think i trust her a little more after my call with her yesterday and i don't think she would have the pull to do anything anyway.

so at last i can have a day of peaceful rest while i await these awful touchy subjects results! me taylor and ali are making a music video so that'll keep me busy for a while. overall feeling very grateful and blessed to not be stressed at this current moment in time!!!

Not mr ali making me regret voting off brandi out should of been ali oh well no point in voting him out now tbh that would be a waste things i think are slowly getting better for me i am talking to jacob and ari more idk how to approach taylor because ik we on different sides but ik we may or may not need eachother soon i feel so bad about brandi she was probably the nicest person here i said this about megs but brandi for second chances.. Yeah i just need to think of something that will seperate my gameplay from josh and nic if im stuck with them eventually that means i could get myself voted off its hard to like make moves rn but i rather make moves when i need to make moves.

also maybe ali should of put his immunity on brandi and not ari >:)

i also hope i break the record for most wasted idols im coming for that record im also so nervous about the future of the game i dont wanna just follow ppl around but like i kinda fucked myself over due to reasons out of my control oop

I just sent my nightly hellos to people and that’s already too much social interaction for me

I’m already fricken paranoid about this round and we haven’t even gotten immunity results ugh. I think it’s because I know I flipped that mastermind comp. like I really could have done much better than I did.

Additionally everyone was so quiet today so I’m just assuming everyone hates me and wants me to die.

am i playing a good utr game or do people just forget i exist? i've got a lot of good (but conflicting) info from Dan and Taylor and I want to sit down and compare notes with Ari BUT WHERE ARE THEY you can't expect me to remember all this by tomorrow. I feel like I have somewhat of a good relationship with everyone aside from Ali and Jabari and I feel like I've gotten a few info that I find personally relevant moving forward but I need someone to compare this with. I think I'm playing a much more smarter game than before.

[Tumblr Survivor Riau reference] I feel like I was in a position like this before where I had the opportunity to play a good game being in the middle but fucked it up and sent one of my allies home because I was vetoed by my actual alliance [end Tumblr Survivor reference] so I'm doing the same thing this time around but keeping my sources a secret. The only person I am 100% honest is Ari and I hope it's mutual. I obviously can't take Ari with me to FTC but what I need the most are honest opinions and legit information and i think both of us are providing just that with each other.

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ali needs to stop saying dumb shit to nic because it ALWAYS gets back to dan and i have to be like "omg lol im sure he didnt mean that" while running to ali and being like "hushhhhhh"

anyway i think the best thing i can do today is sit back and let everyone else tire themselves out scrambling and stressing!! it'll all resolve itself eventually and if it doesnt then oh well

I wasn't going to be making a confessional because I didn't wanna get an OTTN5 edit and also I felt like it was obvious I was going home and I had nothing to really say. There is a tiny bit of hope now, and it lies with Jabari and Dan. If everyone is telling me the truth, I will be staying. And if I do, I'd love to create a 5-person majority alliance with me, Dan, Jabari, Emma, and Josh. It'd honestly be perfect. I really like them all and am comfortable with them all.

If I go home, I wont be mad or anything, I'll just be sad that I didn't really come across the way I had hoped to in this ORG. I feel like a lot of things didn't come across correctly, and a lot of things were just pinned on me that were outside of my control.

Oh well. Let me remain positive. This is me being positive :] (Also I'm forever thankful for having Josh and Emma as allies without them I would've gone crazy by now. Thank you for everything you do.)

Power Rankings: ONE - DAN (+2) Threat: 8 (+2) Trust: 8 (+3) Dan’s at the top of the rankings this week because he’s in the position that I wish I were in. Despite losing Brandi, who was Dan’s #1 idled out by the minority alliance, he still was approached by the minority to vote with them. He knows each plan and he can decide whether he wants to flip or not. He decides who goes home this round. TWO - ARI (-1) Threat: 10 (+1) Trust: 9 (+1) Ari ranks #2 because they know everything that’s going on and they know it first. They’re the first to hear about any messiness or change to a plan. They aren’t included in it necessarily, but they hear about it. Ari’s threat level though is through the roof and hiding behind them as a meat shield is going to be key for my game. They should want to take a shot at Ari before me, and I plan to keep it that way. THREE - TAYLOR (-1) Threat: 7 (NC) Im starting to lose grasp and hold on my power as more of my allies leave. If the minority perception and gameplay wasn’t so awful I would have a lot more control over what goes on this round. Its just bad survivor gameplay to assume someone would never work with you because you voted their allies out. Because what they fail to see is that regardless of if im included in their plans or not, I still find out. I had 3 different people approach me that me name was out as I woke up at 9am this morning. It shows I have control, I just wish they’d include me so I had the power to deal with it rather than relying on others. FOUR - JABARI (+3) Threat: 3 (+1) Trust: 2 (-2) Jabari is here because she seems to want to give the minority.a chance. I don’t really understand her logic because regardless she’s at the bottom of an alliance. The one round where the majority wanted to count on her to prove she’s with us, she jumps. And she doesn’t even know that she’s completely fucking her game because of it. On top of that every suspects she has an idol. She only ranks 4 because of the information she is receiving, but she’s no threat because her gameplay is poor and everyone believes the rumour of her having an idol. FIVE - JACOB (+1) Threat: 7 (+1) Trust: 8 (NC) Jacob does know what each side is going to do, but unfortunately hes always the last to find out. Im not sure if its because of how late he sleeps in, or if hes everyones last resort but either way it’s not good for his power ranking. Jacob’s smart, hes going to be seen as an immunity threat sooner rather than later. SIX - NIC (+3) Threat: 3 (+1) Trust: 0 (NC) Nic is in 6th because hes the only one trying to steer a vote on the other side. He isn’t doing it successfully, but hes trying. If only he could put as much effort into challenges and he would trying to get people to save him. I dont trust him at all, he threw my name out. He has a little influence over Jabari, but that’s not too big of a success. SEVEN - ALI (-2)  Threat: 1 (-2) Trust: 9 (-1) Ali unfortunately just doesn’t have the power he needs to get himself out of situations like he is in this round. When the name was between Ali and I it should have easily landed on me. But Ali doesn’t have the social capital that I do, which is why I had multiple people tell that side “lets do Ali over Taylor”. Not to mention Ali made a hugeeee mistake buying the dress for literally no reason. But I trust him I guess? EIGHT - JOSH (NC) Threat: 4 (+2) Trust: 5 (+2) Im starting to see a little fire with josh come out this round and im happy. Hes not willing to do anything about it, but the gears are turning in his head. I think our relationship will be important down the line but as of now he has no power and just follows everything Nic says. NINE - EMMA (NC) Threat: 0 (NC) Trust: 0 (NC) I literally don’t have anything to say about Emma. She doesn’t talk, doesn’t do the challenge, doesn’t care. Not worth my time.

I feel like im not winning this game unless if nic goes and josh goes right after idk im feeling a bit bad how im playing i was planning to go balls to the wall but like i find it really hard to do that when i am a known goat for something i could not control i try hard to change what people to see but idk how to do it anymore im totally not gonna stab josh and nic in the back at this point i just cant write their names down.

This vote is for all of the victims of the people that nic has voted off, nic is going home I know of it. All he's been doing has been working against me and for that ciao Bella

GOD. What a day. I was pulled back and forth about this vote by both sides and this vote.

Ari/Jacob/Ali/Taylor want me to vote Nic Jabari/Nic/Josh/Emma want me to vote Ali

Neither option is ✨great✨ for my game. But we can’t vote out Jabari for personal reasons so here we are.

I’m worried about idols and such, but at the end of the day, I can’t get too in my head. If the idol comes out as long as they don’t end up voting for me instead of Ali... we’re good!

I’m voting for Nic because I don’t fuck with people who try to make you feel like you’re gonna lose if you don’t roll with them. Even on OG Pearl he didn’t take a ton of time to get to know me and even now all he wants to do is talk game. In comparison, TSL has known me two rounds and I know so much about her.

Obviously voting out ANOTHER OG Pearl probably isn’t wise, but at the end of the day, New Pearl and OG Beeho seem to be the people I bond with the most and trust the most. And I might be dumb, but I am enjoying their company and would be proud losing to any of them.

#confessionals #AintNoGloryInTheWest

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toycarousel · 6 years

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(2018 anon) mom forced me to go to the hospital, said I was crisis. said I have strong anxiety issues. Said to stay away from media. I said don't worry I won't be able to afford it soon anyway. So after a few days of nothing and "calming down", they finally let me watch tv today and use my phone and oh look, bullshit. Another reason to not make it to the new year. What do they want me to do? Not worry about my happiness being pulled away? I tried waiting and it did nothing. now what.

I’m really, really, really glad you followed up with me, Anon... I’ve been praying that you’re still with us... as long as you’re alive, there’s a chance at having a good life.

Wrt hospitalization, I completely understand how uncomfortable and terrifying it often is... I was hospitalized against my will when I was 16 (my therapist at the time actually tricked me into it, too, which is malpractice). If it’s voluntary, it can sometimes be extremely helpful. Even when it’s not voluntary, it can help (in terms of making connections and getting the resources that are actually helpful -- not just being forced to “calm down,” because I agree with you fully; that’s total bullshit). And when it comes to waiting, well. It’s a long-term wait (not, like, a decade-long -- but it could take a few months). In the meantime, I don’t want you to just have to suffer without anything else to help you through!

I myself don’t have all the answers, and I’m definitely not a psychiatrist or other medical professional, but I’m always going to reply to you if I receive your message, and talk to you, whenever you want it -- and I will always do my best to suggest various things. However, sometimes psychiatric skills (a lot of stuff I learned from DBT) don’t help unless you really want them to... it’s kinda like you have to make this stuff work for yourself. And, in response to that, I have also said to my psychologists (since I don’t always know whether I even want the skills they suggest to work for me or not either) that the trick is finding something -- anything -- that currently makes life meaningful enough to really make these techniques useful, without having to just... pretend they’re working for the sake of it.

Now, it doesn’t mean just being positive about everything, or, like, pretending that the horrible things that have happened to you (and are currently happening to you) didn’t happen, or that they’re not worth being distressed about. You never have to pretend that your emotions aren’t what they are rn. You have every right to be angry, and scared, and exhausted, and any of the other emotions (and thoughts) you’re having at this time.

Your thoughts and feelings are completely fair, Anon, and I know that you’re currently being forced to go through awful things that aren’t within your control. The horrible political changes in the U.S, the hospitalization, the gender-related cruelties, the feeling of dehumanization, and of being brushed off...

These are all things I understand... I can never know another person’s pain in the exact way that they experience it, since we all experience pain differently, but I promise, when I offer techniques or suggestions, it’s because I want to help brainstorm with you, not because I want you to suddenly be like “yay, I’m all better, everything’s perfect, thanks.”

I want to keep trying alongside you, because your life is worth more than you’re being told by the government, and by the people around you who’ve mistreated you. I want to find something (hopefully multiple things, when practiced simultaneously) that help you feel even slightly better -- or that are at least useful in some sort of way!

But I wanted to be clear that I do respect the fact that you’re suffering right now, and that it feels as though suicide is the only way out (it’s never the only option, but I know that, when things are as incredibly hurtful as they are, it can certainly look that way, and I don’t think you should just be told to “calm down and accept” all this other horrible shit).

So let’s get more into things, and do some more troubleshooting! I don’t know what else the hospital is doing for you (if they’re offering any sort of useful therapy at all), but I’ve got some things I can offer.

In going through dialectic behavioural therapy, I’ve been taught some things that can help when your distress level is so high that suicide/self-harm seems like the only way to fix it. When you are in that place where you’re being completely driven by painful emotions, a good way to bring the distress level down from about 100/100 to, like, a 70/100, is to change your body chemistry. I know this tip sounds ridiculous, but it’s basically filling a bowl with ice water, and sticking your face in it for a maximum of 30 seconds (if you can hold your breath that long -- if not, just do it for as long as you’re able), then coming back up.

What this tip does is it literally tricks the body into thinking you’ve suddenly dove into icy water. It thinks you’re in danger of freezing to death, so your parasympathetic nervous system is engaged (to warm, and protect your major organs), and norepinephrine -- a slightly calming “feel-good” hormone -- is released into your brain as a side-effect of that engagement. It’s not going to make you feel high or anything, but it forces your brain chemistry to change into something that will help in the moment with intense dismay and panic. (If you don’t have access to a bowl of ice water that you can stick your face into, using a cold pack, or even a cloth soaked in icy water can work instead -- as long as you kind of bend your face forward as though you’re diving into the source of the cold, that physical response will engage).

Now, that’s just one single tip. It’s by no means a long-term solution to anything, and if you don’t want to bother with it, I understand. It might be something that’s good to try a few times, but hey, if it doesn’t work for you after practicing it for a little while, then don’t worry, there are more options, and I’ll keep messaging you any time you want to follow-up (I mean, this tip is definitely not going to fix the government, unfortunately, so I get that). It’s just for those times that are even worse than usual, when you’re certain you’re going to do something to harm yourself -- when your unhappiness peaks, and everything feels like it’s all crashing down on you...

Longer-term techniques are good to work on when your distress level isn’t at its very worst (like, maybe after using a cold-pack, when the distress level goes down slightly). I know you’re probably feeling awful most of the time, so remember that you don’t have to feel massively better in order to do the following, and you don’t have to put on a mask for anyone. You don’t have to look on the bright side if you don’t feel like it!

So, to start building a life worth living, even in the midst of all this horror you’re having to deal with, it’s good to start small. As I mentioned previously, getting involved in something that matters to you -- something that you think could actually make a difference to political policies, for example, or help improve life for LGBT+ people, is a good place to start. It’s good to get extremely specific to the things that affect you, and the things, and people, that you, at your very core, value.

Since your phone and internet are subject to being taken away from you at certain times rn, I’d look up as much as I can on the subject of online activist or LGBT+ support groups (or in-person ones, if you feel like that’s an option), as possible, during those moments when you do have access to your phone. You could also ask the hospital if they have any pamphlets on LGBT+ support groups, support groups for suicidal people, or even political/social protest groups.

Because sometimes it’s better to talk to other people who are going through the same sorts of things that you are, as opposed to only talking to “professionals,” you know? Meeting other people who are angry about being dehumanized, about being marginalized, about being tormented by a disgusting excuse for a president -- may feel kinda good, because when you’re around people like that, you can be angry. You can be hurt, and in immense pain. You can openly talk, and scream, and be honest, and true to your emotions around people who feel similarly, who are suffering under the same shitty political policies, and who want to support you, and each other.

Now, again, I’m not saying you gotta be an activist, or do anything you don’t want to do, and/or don’t have the emotional energy to do. There’s nothing wrong with that, if it’s the case. I’d totally just start by talking to American LGBT+ pro groups, either online or offline -- whichever is more accessible, or less unappealing. Because then you can swap ideas with other LGBT+ Americans who are getting screwed over... and some of them may know of some things that are changing for the better (or that indicate that these policies are likely not gonna last long, along with trump as president), and you can talk to other LGBT+ ppl who are hurting...

If activism or support groups (online or offline) sound terrible or ineffective to you, then there are still different options. What else do you care about in your life? Like, do you like animals? Do you like drawing? Are there any shows that were able to make you smile once? Focusing on these tiny things can buy you time in the moment -- and, over time, they can actually start to change life, in a more permanent way.

I’ve got a similar emotional state going on (mine’s for reasons besides trump and his nasty fallout, luckily, but I’ve been suicidal for p much my whole life due to, well, a lot of things I don’t tend to talk about). So my psychologist basically asked me what I just asked you: Is there something/someone you care about, even if it’s just a little bit?

For me, it’s that I care about animals, so now I’m volunteering at the animal shelter, whenever I’m able to. Those animals need me... and even though my BPD isn’t going anywhere, and my PTSD isn’t going to heal just from volunteering somewhere, and aaaaaaall those years I lost to abuse, and trauma... sometimes it’s just-barely enough to know that my cats need me, the older bunnies at the shelter need me. My boyfriend, my mom, my sister -- they all need me, so I try to do favours for them, and help them, and even though I’m absolutely falling apart, and screaming, and grieving inside myself at all times, those things/people that I still care about have helped me remember that I’m still alive, and therefore, there is still hope.

Now, as I said, I know I can’t understand your individual pain, and your exact circumstances. But I know that it must be massive, intense, scary, and utterly agonizing for you to have to cope with things like this, things that are so out of control at this time. Starting small is a way to take back some of that control, and to spit right in the eye of trump and every other bigot out there. But more importantly, it’s a start on the road to a good life for you. The life you still, and always will, deserve.

I’ve got a huge amount of skills from DBT that I can give to you (and publish in general). DBT is often used for people with BPD, but it’s also used for people who have trauma, and/or are currently undergoing a trauma. So I’m certain that some of these tactics are relevant, and can help... it may take time, but it’s going to be worth it, because you are. I know I’m a broken record when it comes to saying that, but I truly mean it.

I know we’re basically perfect strangers, and that there are other people who know you better, and who care about you too, but I also don’t want to lose you to a bunch of bigots... I don’t want you to lose your life.

This always stands: You can talk to me about anything. You can be as angry as you need to be. You can be as sorrowful as you need to be. You can be anything you need -- when talking to me, and on my blog in general. If you’d like more tips and short-term + long-term skills from my DBT manuals, and from my experiences, just say the word, and I’ll dig more up (there are, like, almost a hundred in DBT alone!)

Feel free to follow-up if you want/need to, and are comfortable doing so. I really, really appreciate hearing from you!!!

#suicide #dbt #self harm #lgbt #american politics #therapy mention -#hospitalization mention -#ask to tag -#anons #scotchasks

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jelly-omelette · 4 years

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Today I felt emotionally stable. I got a solid amount of work done even though I worked four out of eight hours. I had fun texting Jess. I want to call them hiro. I like flirting w them. Tho I would like to get to know them better. I don’t want to rush into anything and I wanna feel calm n comfortable around them. So far I am. I have yet to find out if we compliment eachother and if we will mesh. I think I just want to be myself around them and not worry too much abt labels or expectations. It’s good so far cuz I think we have common interests and shared hobbies like video games. So I def feel like we can bond as friends over that. And then maybe it’ll grow into something more or maybe it won’t. Kinda hard to know this early on. It’ll take time for me to feel comfortable opening myself up to them. I’m not gonna throw myself out there too soon and reveal all my cards. I’ll keep it reserved and wait for them to make some moves first. Seems p balanced so far. They said good morning to me n was initiating convo :3 so that made me happy. I’ve been doing a good job holding my infatuation back but also enjoying the rush of the moment. It made me said when hiro told me that they have neophobia, cuz I really like trying new things. And also I worry that their Coeliac disease might make sharing things more difficult since a lot of food has gluten. I like that they r pretty asian in terms of cleanliness and eating foods like natto and umeboshi. And they’re rly cute for sending me wiki articles of both those things haha. I was surprised to find out that hiro is 25 years old but I kinda glad bc I like more mature ppl. And I like how we talk in diff languages to eachother. I wonder what their friends r like. I hope they’re not all white cuz I’m scared of white ppl. I just don’t feel super comfortable around them bc they make me feel invalidated and so foreign. I think it’s cool they have a therapist cuz that’s something I’ve been thinking abt lately. Investing in mental and emotional health is always rly attractive. So are their hands hehe. It’s funny how we’re both kinda shy abt flirting w eachother. I’m not as forward as I usually am and I like that I don’t have to be to keep their attention :) and we also share a love and interest for art, which is something that is new to me that I’m really excited to experience. Cuz then we could paint stuff together and look at art museums together. But of course it all needs chemistry first. I wonder if we’ll have any physical chemistry when we meet in person. If it’ll be rly strong off the bat or be a slow buildup or maybe it won’t b there at all and we’ll feel super comfy w eachother. I wonder what our love languages will be. I feel like it’s easy to communicate love w other Asians even if they’re only half asian bc they understand both the American and asian perspectives. They thought I was 19 lol. Oh and we also both climb, that’s gonna b really really cool if we actually have good chemistry and friendship. They’re kinda shy and hard to talk to on phone tho. I hope that’ll change over time. I didn’t like how hiro called my island bald and was saying that I was leaving trash on her island >:( not nice. But other than that they seem kind and encouraging. Can’t believe I told her I’m attracted to the thought of their nice hands embracing me tenderly and they weren’t weirded out about it :D that means I can dial it down a notch which will definitely make me feel a little bit more stable and not afraid of being ghosted or it not being mutual. I’m curious abt their family dynamic and what it was like for them growing up w unmarried and mixed parents. I want to ask that but I’ll save it for later. I’m also curious about their pronouns and if they would feel dysphoric if I referred to them as my gf. BUT that can wait cuz I mean we’re not dating and I don’t wanna rush or scare them w the dtr talk. They seem pretty open tho so I feel pretty comfortable. They like olives also and actual legit lavender flavor. That’s attractive.

At first I had some traumatic flashbacks of jenna bc they reminded me of her. Strangely kinda similar. Jenna isn’t half asian, but she was adopted by white parents. Also her parents had an unconventional dynamic, the dad was a widow bc the mom took her life and the dad married a new person. Oh also hiro has tattoos and kinda dressed like her. But hiro seems more reserved and emo and I like that, and into video games. I rly rly like that :) and culture and art. I like I like. And rly studious. Me like hehe. And also gender queer. I also like hehe. And dorky n shy and playful. Def bonus attraction :D I p confident we’d get a long as friends. Def wanna solidify that first before doing anything beyond that. But ya I would definitely get in bed w them hehehe. They’re rly cute.

Anyway about my day I also practiced guitar for like two hours, played animal crossing w hiro, and hung out w EG friends. That was the highlight of my day. I rly miss em. We watched shrek and played some jack box. That was good. I had a lot of laughs. :) then I started questioning my feelings and the way that I love ray is related to the slogan from the half of it. “Not every love story is a romance”. Cuz I love that guy to death and at one point I had like mini moments where I’d really want to cuddle him or like be physical w him, but I think I just rly rly love how much he’s helped me grow as a person and supported me and allowed me to be honest w him about everything and anything. I really want to apply all the positivity and thoughtfulness I’ve learned from him to my everyday approach to life. I feel like I’ve gone from a really depressing person to someone who is still depressed but very excited and positive about life at the same time. And no longer had to desperately search for external validation or guess about whether or not I deserve love. I just don’t question it anymore who decides to give me love and who doesn’t. I feel very grateful for my friends and my financial situation, my own place and freedom and awesome coworker rex. I feel grateful that I’m still in touch with sean, kara, dixie, aish, my swe friends, Jon, and I get to have awesome conversations abt politics and feminism and funny memes w people everyday. Also my brother and my mom, eh for my dad. And also natalie and my brother who have been there since day 1. I can’t wait to explore what else is in store for me for the future and move on wo th my life. I’m excited to explore my relationship w hiro and see what I can offer and what they can offer. I hope they see value in my abilities to be emotionally sensitive, make delicious food, be methodical and logical and clean, and also have stability and boundaries and good articulate communication. I want to work on being less defensive and being more kind to myself. Not doubting when people show me affection and not questioning when ppl do nice things for me. My perspective on life and fervor to do the right thing. I want to finish my list of tv shows and movies and make some bomb ass paintings. Oh also the fact that I got closure w my ex and we’re on good terms now and they’re gonna hook me up w some film gigs :D I rly hope hiro isn’t the jealous type that gets insecure and makes assumptions abt my relationships w other ppl. I’m still scared from my relationship w bianca and paranoid abt doing the wrong thing and not having my boundaries respected. Not having my voice heard or believed. I want to see if it’s worth it to go all in first before I do. Bianca def dived in head first super super soon. Like our first date we kissed and she slept over. And I was pressured into doing it w her even when I hesitated. That was such a meh thing and sign I should’ve realized it. But my self esteem was so low I think I was unable to value my own feelings and be there for myself when I needed myself to stand up for my feelings. I hope that I can improve my social anxiety and be more kind to myself and respect myself more. I’m doing a p good job so far w that whole situation w my dad. Just keeping my distance so I can keep my sanity cuz I care about myself enough to not compromise myself for his shittiness. I love this time I get to reflect on myself. I really really love it. I feel so free. I can’t wait to talk to hiro tmrw

#mine #text #diary #hiro

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larryrickard · 4 years

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lets get personal.

i know this is supposed to be an ask meme but i’m fucking bored & no one ever sends me them, so. also i’m kinda pissy rn unfortunately so forgive pls some of my answers lol

01: 6 of the songs you listen to most?: idk. mostly i listen to everything on random anymore, and only in my car. the only song i’ve listened to on repeat recently has been ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga. 02: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: speaking of which, lady gaga. 03: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.: the only book near me would be all the books, as in my bookshelf. unless you count my kindle, in which case there would be no line 17 because of the font size. sorry. 04: What do you think about most?: idk. whatever my current obsession is i guess. 05: What does your latest text message from someone else say?: “And you don't have to cook it”. 06: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?: with. i don’t like being naked and don’t understand those who do. also i get cold. 07: What’s your strangest talent?: i don’t have talents. 08: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence): are soft and beautiful. meh, have to earn my trust. 09: Ever had a poem or song written about you?: a song, yes. 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?: a very long time. it’s not a thing i ever do lol. 11: Do you have any strange phobias?: i don’t think so. my phobias are pretty standard. 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?: when i was a kid, yeah. plenty. once my parents had to hold me down and tweeze a chewed up wad of juicy fruit out of my nose. i fucking love the smell of that gum. three year old me may have been stupid but, hey. i was being economical. also i blame it on my parents for, you know, giving a fucking toddler some gum. 13: What’s your religion?: don’t have one. former christian, which is gross. don’t indoctrinate children, please and thanks. 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?: walking to or from my car. that’s about it. :/ 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: behind. no one deserves to see my face. rip to everyone who sees me in person on a regular basis. 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?: jars of clay, jimmy eat world, the elms. 17: What was the last lie you told?: that i’m not in debt lmao. the only time i’ve lied to my psychiatrist :/ 18: Do you believe in karma?: no but sometimes i wish i did. so many people deserve their comeuppance. 19: What does your URL mean?: doesn’t really mean anything, he’s a character from the flash. 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?: all sorts of things? and idk. 21: Who is your celebrity crush?: lady gaga, angelina jolie, carlos valdes, idk if shane madej is a ‘celebrity’ but him, brie larson, michael sheen... idk, i don’t really have “crushes” but those are the first ppl to come to mind. 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: nope. and no thank you. 23: How do you vent your anger?: lol. 24: Do you have a collection of anything?: funko pops? but not seriously. i mean. i have a lot of them bc i love a lot of characters and there are some pretty fuckin dope funkos. but it’s not my goal in life to have a huge collection or anything. at least i can say i have less than a hundred of them lol. (less than 75.) 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: ew, neither. but if i had to choose, phone. bc, you know. my face. 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?: lmfao no. i mean, i’m better than the person i used to be, that’s for sure. (see: indoctrinated as a child, including your typical conservative bullshit like racism for starters.) 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?: so many. i have misophonia. and people chewing + mouth sounds is definitely a big one. love? idk??? music? rain? my cat’s cute lil meow? 28: What’s your biggest “what if”?: what if my thyroid issues were discovered earlier on instead of a year or more after they started. my childhood doctor was Not Great. it took her two weeks to figure out i had a sinus infection. i was in the fourth grade. still bitter about both of those. 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: no, ghosts aren’t real. aliens yes. not the stereotypical ones, but in a “given the size of the universe it’s literally impossible that we’re the only life out there” way. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.: right, the cat. left, air. 31: Smell the air. What do you smell?: nothing? it’s my house/room, so to me it smells like nothing. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?: uh... i’ve no idea? 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?: west, obviously. 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?: no such thing as ‘opposite’ gender. of a different gender, though? lady gaga. 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?: who the fucking fuck knows. literally know one knows, though tbh. they just think they do. 36: Define Art.: lmfao how would i know. i don’t have a creative bone in my body so i should be the last person to comment on the subject. 37: Do you believe in luck?: nope. i hope it’s obvious by now that i don’t believe in fictional things. 38: What’s the weather like right now?: cool. cloudy. typical oregon winter weather. i want rain tho :( 39: What time is it?: 3:04am. 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?: yes. and yes, several times. three. two totaled cars. the last one is the only one that was actually my fault, though. driving too close after it rained. don’t do it, folks. 41: What was the last book you read?: the diviners by libba bray. currently reading a short history of nuclear folly by rudolph herzog. fascinating, but kind of depressing af. 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?: no. 43: Do you have any nicknames?: hal (to a very select few bc 99% of the time i hate it, so fuck you if you call me this without permission), hals, hallie bird, hallie strawberry. 44: What was the last film you saw?: i honestly don’t know. haven’t done a whole lot of movie watching lately. maybe the fall (2006). (please watch this movie, it’s so gorgeous and lovely.) 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?: i’ve never had a serious injury. well. i take that back, i guess. in my first car accident i was stopped and rear-ended at like, 40mph. so i’ve had back issues since i was 18. usually it’s fine but sometimes it’s bad and sometimes i can set it off really easily. idk if that counts as “serious”, though. lots of people have back problems. 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?: i don’t think so? 47: Do you have any obsessions right now?: i guess buzzfeed unsolved and watcher. and ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga lol. good omens, as usual. 48: What’s your sexual orientation?: asexual. 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?: yes. thankfully only a few (that i know of, anyway). 50: Do you believe in magic?: no. 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?: yuuup. they deserve it. 52: What is your astrological sign?: taurus. 53: Do you save money or spend it?: spend it :|| every paycheck i tell myself i’ll be better at saving it, but............ 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?: preordered chromatica by lady gaga. 55: Love or lust?: if i had to choose, love. lust and all that stuff is gross. 56: In a relationship?: nope. shocker, i know. (this is sarcasm. it is no shocker to anyone as to why i’m single.) 57: How many relationships have you had?: just the one. 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?: nope. 59: Where were you yesterday?: work on my day off for a staff meeting, and then my psychiatrists’ office. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?: a few things, yes. 61: Are you wearing socks right now?: yes. almost always. 62: What’s your favourite animal?: cats, then birds. mice are p adorable, too. i miss having them. i haven’t had mice since middle school or early high school i think :( i’d love more but my current cat would definitely try to eat them... same with a bird. i’ll probably never have a bird :( 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?: be sarcastic and love stupid puns and bad jokes? 64: Where is your best friend?: one is in ohio and the other is in massachusetts. 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.: no idea lol. i haven’t been on here much recently, and i’m never caught up anyway. and i don’t usually pay attention to who is posting/reblogging. 66: What is your heritage?: mostly german. the rest is other typical white stuff that i can’t remember. some irish? either way idc. 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?: uh, rewatching some buzzfeed unsolved for the 100th time? and playing with my tamagotchi? 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?: he doesn’t exist so idc. 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?: nope. also, Nice™. 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?: incredibly doubtful. 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?: go to work. i love my job way too much. i’d probably try to get someone’s attention if there was anyone around, and/or call animal services. (there are no canals around here anyway and i don’t walk to work and ain’t gonna.) 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?: who tf knows, i hate this shit. i’d really rather not think about it bc it stresses me out. i probably wouldn’t tell very many people tho. try to find someone to take my cat :( i sure as shit wouldn’t leave her to my parents :( and i wouldn’t want to leave her in a shelter. she’s already done that once and it makes me too sad. 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.: trust. you can’t have love without trust, though... 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?: ‘sweetness’ by jimmy eat world, ‘fade to grey’ by jars of clay, ‘thunderhead’ by the elms, ‘bad romance’ and ‘g*psy’ by lady gaga (latter is... i hate the name but the song is so fucking catchy, ugh), ‘torn’ by natalie imbruglia, ‘bring it all back’ by s club 7, ‘... baby one more time’ by britney spears, ‘where’s the love’ by hanson, ‘who do you think you are’ by the spice girls, ‘as long as you love me’ and ‘everybody (backstreet’s back)’ by the backstreet boys, ‘black balloon’ by goo goo dolls, ‘spark’ by tori amos, ‘last beautiful girl’ by matchbox twenty, ‘push it’ by garbage, ‘i want you’ by savage garden, ‘minority’ and ‘she’ and ‘basket case’ and ‘macy’s day parade’ by green day... how’s that lol. 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?: not giving out that kind of personal information lmao. 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?: i wouldn’t know. 77: How can I win your heart?: you probably can’t. idk anyway. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?: sure, but lack of insanity is a better way to go. don’t perpetuate the bullshit notion that you need to be suffering to create Great Art™. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?: idk. i haven’t made very many. 80: What size shoes do you wear?: 10 in women’s. 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?: i’m going to be cremated and you probably should be, too. just don’t get embalmed, k? 82: What is your favourite word?: fuck. 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.: ‘alone’ by heart. 84: What is a saying you say a lot?: idk. someone who spends time around me irl would have to tell me. 85: What’s the last song you listened to?: ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga on repeat. 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?: blue. then green, and in no particular order, black, grey, purple. 87: What is your current desktop picture?: it’s boring, just the default mac catalina background lol. i was having issues choosing a background and was getting way too fucking picky, so i just said ‘fuck it’ and have been using this one for months. 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?: donald trump. 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: idk? how much in debt i am? lmao. 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?: assume i’m having a night terror or am hallucinating. and be scared. 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?: hopefully teleportation. 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?: maybe when i met carlos valdes & got a picture with him. he’s super sweet, is living sunshine, and gives amazing hugs. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?: so many :/ idek where to start tbh. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?: i’m sex-repulsed so no thank you. also, gross question. get a life. 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?: new zealand. 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?: yes, my cousin bc he murdered my dad ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?: no. 98: Ever been on a plane?: many times. 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?: indigenous people aren’t history, they still exist. shut the fuck up and listen to them. build a time machine to go back in time and prevent colonisers. just straight-up kill them, we deserve it.

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Wyatt answers a question (Part1)

Telling me not to so something makes me want to do it even more, DJ. Why Israel? Because when I joined this movement, I notice everyone talks about every other country but no serious discussion on Israel. No one is safe from criticism imo. So how about we do that, DJ? Shall we? Let's have honest discussion, DJ. Because truth is coming. It is obvious that elite 1% hide behind good jewish people to commit atrocities and profit on top of them. Much like America. I have no problem admitting that. We are great, but we are also monsters to much of the world. The elite 1% have created the jewish vehicle and manipulate good Americans and good Israelis, they do not care about the Jews. At. All. They hide behind them. In fact, Honest Jews should be most vocal. This common knowledge outside the schizophrenic propaganda bubble in America. Oh trust me, DJ, they don't care if you Jewish or Moslem or Christian. They have plans for each of you. They will use you. Tarnish your name. They will ride you like vehicle, & when you crash, they will use other vehicle. HRC=vehicle. Jews=vehicle. Christian's are vehicles. It's all pretty simple if you put emotions aside and think from perspective of psychotic king. Tbh, all of this new to me, I've only started looking into this topic since 2018. How the good jewish people aren't outraged is beyond me. I really don't get it. It'll be hard, ofc. It's funny. Some Q people follow like no one's biz and have malfunction when Israel brought up even tho Q says "saving Israel last." People afraid to RT etc but my views way up, so obv ppl curious & reading. Massive redpills incoming. Bend over and say ah. One side note. I like Gorka, but he gets foolish and smeared low follower acct I follow not long ago because he asked legitimate Q about Holocaust. Q everything? Gorka called him "denier." That is what I mean. No hate ever, we want honest discussion & curious why the deflections Also I dont always have opinion on the stuff I write about, just sayin. So if you say anything to me like dumb cuck, I'll laugh. I'm just typing what I see. Even from multiple perspectives sometimes But the Q was about the Holocaust numbers. Fair question. So I looked into it. The outright denial is chidish imo and not serious person. People definitely died, and there were labor camps, but numbers get questionable. Yes, yes they do. You can find examples everywhere. There was a single witness who supposedly was in two concentration camps and is the primary source for about 1/3 of Holocaust deaths. It's a nasty rabbit hole, but you figure out that a lot is stack of exaggerations. One of the most obvious is the fact that the Nazi's crematoriums would have had to burn a body about 10x faster than a modern one and be running 24/7 for years with literal zero downtime. There's a reason why they specifically say "Historians agree that 6 million died" because it's just an agreement, not an actual number based on facts. Have you ever seen the Treblinka Holocaust Memorial? It looks pretty strange for a "memorial". Looks like they just Holocaust historians claim that during WW2 almost 900,000 people were killed and buried at Treblinka. And they claim that later the Germans dug up and burned the bodies in order to destroy the evidence. In 1999 a team of experts used an $80,000 Ground Penetration Radar (GPR) device to check for evidence that the soil had ever been disturbed as . They found no evidence of any soil disturbance. They covered the field with 17,000 boulders/stones and called it a memorial.Now you can't run any more Ground Penetration Radar tests - not without moving 17,000 boulders (which are set into concrete). Of course, doing this would be disturbing a sacred Holocaust "memorial" - which would land you in jail. Mission Accomplished. The whole Holocaust thing and the way the elite 1% use as a vehicle is very strange and fascinating at same time. Are you not at all curious as to why this is the only genocide event that needs legal protection by throwing "deniers" into jail? Or do you just happily overdose on the forced narratives? Surely the elite would never lie to you. They aren't psychopaths or anything. Trust us. Genuine Question. Why do we hear about the Holocaust over and over in movies, TV shows, documentaries, newspapers, books, etc. but almost never hear about the HUNDREDS of other historical genocides? It seems very weird until you figure out the real purpose of all this. Ask yourself one simple question, How in the world does Israel get away with their mass murder, ethnic cleansing and brutal oppression - if we're going to be honest. I have criticism for both sides of that conflict, don't get me wrong. I'm staying on outside looking in though. Why are we very allowed to discuss the idea of white privilege, but forbidden from discussion of the hypothesis of Jewish privilege? Foolish if you don't think it applies the other way too. In three words... Guilt/elites/vehicles. Guilt over Holocaust. Sick, but brilliant, no? The ultimate Guilt trip enables the ultimate in psychological manipulation. You see, Holocaust means that they entitled to special rights - the right to forbid people from discussing their disproportionate wealth & political influence. THE PERFECT VEHICLE. How do you not see? A found that the number one reason Jewish Americans give as the source of their identity as Jews is not race or religion. Instead when asked "What does it mean to be Jewish?", the number one reason given (73%) was "Remembering the Holocaust". Hm. Some people think of it as a secular pseudo-religion called Holocaust-ianity or some shit (combining the words "holocaust" and "Christianity"). Laws in many U.S. states, known as , mandate teaching to all school children. Vedddy weird folks, no? This indoctrinates kids with the belief that the Jewish people are "unique" in their historical victim-hood. This puts Jews at the very top of the victim hierarchy. This was the goal from beginning, since widely believed victim narrative gives you political power, being top of victim hierarchy give you the most political power. That's why holocaust-ianity causes people to believe that Jews deserve special rights that no one else has. They mean well, but man are they slow. For example, holocaust-ianity means wealthy inbred morons can manipulate Israel and somehow hold ethical exemption to create type of racist country, whether citizens realize or not. Laughable. Israel is diverse. I know 4 that live in Haifa and they travel all over. Lefties, righties, buncha groups. If Mr.Trump just stomped out the major criminal networks we wouldn't even be dealing with any of this bullschiff. Regular citizens always the ones who suffer. It's pathetic. Normal chill citizens there can easily do what we are doing. What I'm saying is I condemn both sides of region but also support both sides for defending themselves. Innocent people always caught up in the middle. What I'm really saying is that Israel needs to flush their toilet. Not hard to separate elite agenda from normal people on planet. Some idiots will follow like lefties here. Man made systems. Can be infiltrated and can be used as vehicles to manipulate the masses of genuine good people out there. Also dont forget the horrific stuff Japanese did. And then you have them working with China and selling sensitive information and testing out traitorous surveillance tech. Like Hillary. Who is Rothschild pet. God forbid we should ever cut off their billions and cut aid entirely for now - they might really stab us in the back. Holocaust-ianity gives right to violate principle free speech, so people can be censored etc. Use Dan Cringeshaw, but never trust Dan Cringeshaw. He said it best. Said you're allowed to question everything and criticize every govt except for one lucky winner. Hint: not USA Currently no other vehicle at time has this special political right to protect the victim-hood narrative against people who might use their free speech rights to question the narrative. Also why Obama talked schmack but still agreed to send billions. Elites are manipulating you. The political power engendered by Holocaust-ianity is so powerful that it must be protected at all costs from the blasphemers, otherwise known as holocaust "deniers." Pathetic boring game by 1%. Make no mistake. Creating J victimhood and using as vehicle is nothing new at all. If you start seriously questioning the narratives, some will malfunction and start melting and end up blocking you or telling me "why they are going to block me now" lolol. It's so childish and weird. All we're doing is talking, asking questions, normal stuff. So scary ... ffs. Literally only thing I remember learning in Highschool was Holocaust and Rwandan genocide only because chill mf teacher put on movie Hotel Rwanda (really really good btw) about Rwandan genocide. We were taught as if Holocaust was the only genocide. Others not brought up. Why? I got indoctrinated by bs and became bored and 100% distanced from all this. When I saw a lot of the truth and became fascinated and interested in our history and cemented love of country and realized there are shit load of atrocities - feels clown like to treat anyone special. I wish more would sit down and look at things more honestly. Even if you dont know answer. I openly talk about all these topics with whites, blacks, hispanics, asians, my best friend Filipino (Dodi), or other best friend Sikh (Deepak), 99% understand none of this is our fault. That's why the state of Israel denies the Armenian Holocaust. That's also why the state of Israel denies the Polish Holocaust. And that's why the state of Israel agrees Ukrainian Holocaust must be downplayed. Even ADL on video bullied Ukraine into There can be only one **top** victim narrative. We can't even trade positions for like a day. Boring! And that position must belong to the "most oppressed people in history" - the "chosen people". *barf* The clip showing ADL's triggered bullying is from a documentary called "Defamation". Created by an Israeli Jew. Jews aren't a race, they are a religion Jewish supremacists in some top universities teach that Judaism is only a religion and that Jews are really just white people. Of course, it's not true and they know it. America's Most Famous Rabbi (as well as Israeli scientists) admitted that Jews are a Race, not a Religion. So why do they teach the "Judaism is only a religion" fallacy? They do this so that they can promote the idea of "White Supremacy" imo. If Judaism is nothing but a religion, that means the concept of ["White Supremacy" can be used as camouflage to cover up the fact that we actually live in a System of Jewish Supremacy. Also you do NOT have to be "Jewish." It's a game. Many people like myself are very new to breaking out of the mind control propaganda. They've had an almost total lock on the information for many decades. The internet is allowing a break out of the 'forbidden' information. The Jewish Supremacists are clearly freaking out and trying their best to bring censorship to the internet under the cover of "hate speech" laws. Hopefully enough people can be de-programmed in time to prevent the censoring of more internet. The axis of power in the world is doing tilts and Israel has to start wiggling itself into good position with China. As for the US, state of Israel doesn't give two schiffs about US or its people, you are tax farm and buncha fools who will jump to defense when they tell you to. It's going to be interesting to see how they will attempt to wiggle w Chinese, they are less easily manipulated than the Americans. If you step on toes once they will not forget. Not like US which has gaping whole for ass of the huge arse f'ng it has been getting for years now. You should really talk to some Israelis or read what they write online. A few good websites out there. Israel is more critical of Israel than the US is of Israel. It is hysterical to me. Some Americans think Israel is some hivemind and each person is connected with a string. US "ally" Israel routinely caught sending American troops in to do the fighting they should be doing themselves. Israel is not the home of the chosen people. There are no chosen people. What a strange ridiculous idea. Some conservatives get creepy about it. I see in my replies. Israelis have own interest in mind, always have. We may think they are our allies, but if somebody else gives them a better deal, they will sell us. That's just a fact. We have no real allies. Doesn't mean we end trade or anything. But we should know where everyone's coming from. It's just weird how the influence is all up in media. Hollywood. Basically 40% of all billionaires. Supreme court. Hell, 2% of population, but 80% of peach mints. Those witnesses were.... you'll never guess. Why would people not question this or at least have honest discussion. This was a brief duckduckgo search that took no more than 7 mins. I was reading article on how Tyler perry owns the movie studio in Atlanta, and how it’s bigger than paramount and dream works and other studios combined. So I started thinking about other influences in Hollyweird. Hollywood, I didn’t know this, made up of more than one movie studio. I’m ignoramus to this stuff. So I duckduck the owners of all the major studios in Hollywood. Boy oh boy, they’re all yeah you guessed it. To me, it's more interesting than anything. I'm just naturally curious. And it wasn’t till 2018 that I was exposed to this how Jewish Supremacists manipulate normal Israelis and normal Americans, and that would explain why America is Israel’s ho. Even that tho, the America is Israel’s biatch thing, I still don’t fully understand the foreign policy we have with them but I hear that phrase thrown out a lot by people who are known as "no bs" people. The inconsistency in the Jewish proportion of heavy hitter business people is fascinating. It really is. I’m still a shit and still learning when it comes to this and our ties with Israel. Over last few weeks I’ve been thinking about religions and how there’s really only three major ones, all with some things in common in their stories but with one major commonality, the holy land: I don’t think any of the religions got it right, something could have happened x amount of years ago in my opinion and the religions are essentially people’s versions of the story, most inconsistencies with a few similarities. How would we know. We wouldn't. Could very well be like a game of telephone. I could be wrong though, it could be something else but as I get older my belief in God grows, and idek how to pray to it or what to read about because I don’t think anyone’s got it right. And I'm a Catholic and believe in God. When your team runs the award-giving committee, you tend to win a lot of awards. That said, I have a lot of respect and admiration for the Jewish team. They've got an 'us-against'-the-world' thing going that encourages them work together and achieve some pretty cool things. Unfortunately, 'Us-against-the-world' also implies you can treat everyone who isn't on your team as an enemy combatant. It's this embattled attitude that generates a kind of ruthless, unsympathetic attitude toward players on the other team. And they are FIRST to call out any other group that adopts same strategy. It blows my mind how many people fail to understand this is a MACRO evolutionary strategy for them and they wish to slowly breed out and exile out races they don't like etc. Using Jewish label as a front. Yep, they even gave the White Helmets a Nobel Peace Prize. That shows the level of propaganda they are able to perpetuate against the American people through their mass media apparatus. Tons of Overwhelming Evidence That Israel Supports !slamic Terrorist Groups in Syria. You never hear about the regular, everyday Jews and it's shameful. I obviously know and talk to poor Jewish peeps, but it’s a thing, it’s such a thing to the point that it’s a stereotype. While stereotypes can be offensive or seem irrational because they cast a wide generalization on a large group of people, they exist for a reason and stick around for the same, so they must be true on some level. Not all catholic priests diddle. I went to 2 years of communion classes as boy at a catholic church with other kids and the priests were awesome. That doesn’t take away from the fact that a shitload of kids did get touched and molested by priests on such a large scale that the Vatican was aware. And I have no problem admitting Catholic Church one of most corrupt organizations in world and is used to manipulate masses. Not all Jews are bad or are out to take out America or care to gain influence through high ranking positions. It's all just a game. But we're the ones that suffer and get manipulated. Literally every Jewish person I've befriended, are normal, ethical people who care about living life through what their religion seems just. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that Jewish people, both male and female hold lots of highly influential and esteem positions in America, a country mostly made up of Christians when it comes to religious demographic, and these positions are dominated by Jewish people at an alarming inconsistent rate. Try reversing role and doing that shite in Israel. They'll kick you out so fast your head will be spinning. I watched interview one time with David Ben Gurion and the interviewer asked the former prime minister about Israel's nuclear program. (Israel has never admitted to having nukes, though there's lot of anecdotal evidence saying they do have nukes...but no country has inspected Israel's program since JFK. JFK was very suspect of state of Israel. So interviewer asks DBG if Israel has nukes and he replies, "We have enemies". So that's the situation. If you see the rest of the world as an enemy, you can do anything, because, it's for your survival. The truth is simply pointing out facts made from observations in data causes lots of childish triggering and weird deflection on this subject because of the deep history. Pointing out the inconsistency in that blacks make up 13-15% of the US population but over 70% of the prison population shouldn’t cause uproar or anger but rather curiosity and request of answers. Most videos of police officers will have you believe most cops use excessive force and that there is war going on between inner city black people and white pool ice officers. Total nonsense. Obviously not all blacks are criminals, but something’s fishy there. For a fact a lot of black people in prison did something wrong that led directly to their incarceration but the numbers simply hint at some sort of fuckery afoot, that leads to people asking questions. Doesn’t take a five minute duckduckgo search to realize how many blacks are doing hard time for ridiculous non violent drug offenses. Same thing goes for the cops. One of most stressful jobs ever, all day people are lying to you, when you show up to a situation it typically doesn’t mean something great is happening, pulling people over to give them tickets must feel like a shitty thing to do when a quota is set by dept. most are good at their job. It’s the few who we see in videos that show a lack of training and or skill under stressful situations. And same goes for this except when these observations are made immediate malfunction cognitive dissonance ensues. The difference with the outrage is they have a decent influence on so many sectors of this country, you can literally be black balled for life from anything. The collective identity makes sure that you think in terms of Group first and prior to anything else. On top of this, Judaism actively teaches infiltration of positions of power, politics, msm, and so on simply in order to better their chances at survival by group based nepotism. Imo the narratives have been twisted by the winners. This where the whole “history is written by the winners” phrase comes in. You have a full understanding of just how powerful the influence is when it comes to people just simply speaking about, or asking genuine questions etc.

Wyatt @SayWhenLA

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