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xxfrankieroindragwithgerardxx · 2 years

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Tw: mention of self harm, depression

Im so fucking tired. I want to sleep but my adhd medication wont let me. I have so many friends but im always lonely. I feel like none of them actually like me. My best friends assure me they love me all the time but any time im not talking to someone I immediately get lonely. Im always sad, all the time. I want to cry so much. I want to sob, bawl my eyes out and let all the sadness flow out with the tears. At 2 am I get bored and take out my knife. At this point i cant even tell if its sh or just a pass time. I used to sh by using my punching bag without gloves. Too much, too hard, too frequent. My hands were a bloody mess. But now theyre calloused and used to it, they dont rip like they used to. I miss it so much. The dark brown dried blood splotches covering my red punching bag. I want to make more so bad but I can’t. Im too tired, my skin is too tough, it just doesnt happen. But I can’t cut i cant bc I swim so much in the summer and I wear bikinis and crop tops so how do I hide that? I’ve been doing it very lightly, just a few layers of skin. It hurts, maybe bleeds a tiny bit, but it doesnt last. It will heal and it wont scar, and it doesnt give that stinging that lasts all day, all week even. Having scabbed knuckles is mostly socially acceptable, people never suspect it to be a form of sh. It is. And now every time I touch my legs and they dont sting I feel so invalidated. I want them to hurt more. I wish there was a place on my body that I could cut and no one would see the scar. Or that the cuts would just disappear when they heal. So I can still se them when theyre red, but they dont last forever. I want a razor so I can cut deeper, more easily. But I can’t cut deeper cuz propel will notice. My mom was just yelling at me to get off my phone and do my homework but every time I stop and look at my computer I want to cry. Im trying I really am. Im trying to try. I used to try so hard but I kinda gave up. I never get anything done anyways. My fucking meds aren’t working, they’ve successfully destroyed my sleep schedule and thats it. I get exhausted at 1 pm but im full of energy at 1 am. I havent gotten the chance to listen to music all weekend, I missed it so much. I just wanna be home alone and sing and dance to Mcr and p!atd. I dont even like panic! that much, just a few of their songs. But house of memories and I write sins not tragedies make me so happy, especially singing along. I want to sing along to mcr, I want to meet them and see them all the time and learn to play guitar with frank and learn to produce with Ray and learn to sing with gerard and learn keyboard with mikey(and improve my pokerface) and I want them all to hug me and I want to meet franks dogs and gerard cats and go to all of their concerts and help gerard pick out outfits. If I could see them and talk to them for the rest of my life it would cure me. If I could have a pretty gf who would cuddle me and listen to me and understand me, I would be so happy. If my struggling friends got better I would get better. If everyone would just disappear, everyone ive ever met except my best friends and my idols, I would be so much happier. I wouldnt be constantly worrying about what people think of me, about them ignoring me and not texting me. I wish I could live in the killjoy universe, ride around the desert with the Fab Four, surviving off of what we need, running from the government. And having fun. Real fun. Not watching tv or scrolling tumblr alone. I mean playing cards and riding dirt bikes and climbing and killing bad guys. Coming home tired and beat up and covered in sand, maybe bleeding but full of adrenaline and just happy that we all made it out alive and that would be enough. Where people dont have to worry about consequences. Getting bad grades leading to no college leading to no money. Where people just have to not die and thats enough. Doesnt that sound nice? My eyes are barely staying open right now, barely staying dry. Im so tired of high expectations.

#Tw #sh #depression #vent #Dream world #Mcr #Killjoy verse #Mentally ill #self destruction #attachment issues #fuck life #about to cry

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celestialpotat0 · 1 year

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Rest in peace, dear Aunt Helene

If i had to describe today in only one word, the word would be brutal.

this past week ive been a mess... i had a doctor appt scheduled on my day off, i was sitting in the waiting room crying mainly about my aunt, then when i went in to see the physician i told myself i was going to hold the tears in. they did an ekg on me, i was relieved that i was allowed to just lay there instead of converse, because it gave me an excuse to close my eyes and tell myself to not to cry. when the md came in and asked me about me being upset because staff members had witnessed me crying in the waiting room, at first i told her it was nothing, i was ok. but she pressed on, and the tears came spilling out. it was embarrassing, i felt pathetic for being emotionally weak.

that night, i tried sleeping but i lay awake in bed for most of the night, stressing about my aunt. and i ended up getting only 1 hr of sleep before i had to wake up for work. the next night i couldnt sleep for a long time again.

i flew home saturday, spent most of saturday and sunday in the hospital with my aunt.

today, i held onto her hand and caressed it, standing by her side during her final moments. it was heart-wrenching to monitor her HR, SpO2, and RR when we removed life support, i.e., extubated. at first she was super tachycardic and super tachypneic... for the next three hours she continued to breathe on her own. her vitals were all over the place. body fighting to survive. watched her become super bradycardic, SpO2 drop and drop and drop, eventually she took her last breath, asystole, HR 0, RR 0.

i believe she was able to peacefully and comfortably go. yes, the body is under stress so the vitals and numbers look alarming af. but i think she wasn't in pain or discomfort. and this is what she wouldve wanted rather than prolonging her life in a way that she didn't want. i described her final hours purely just to say that death in general is so brutal, which is to say that life is so damn precious.

i'm going to miss her. it's so sad that she had the infections. so many memories. she worked so hard throughout her life, was a strong mother, experienced difficult times. i cant believe i wont be able to see her smile again. it hurts. how irreversible death is. but this shit happened and the only way to move forward and heal is for me to become a better person bc of this. Life is short and I'm going to hold my loved ones closer and try to treat them better. This gave me a different perspective where a lot of my previous complaints are so trivial now, and why am i complaining when im alive and not fighting to stay alive. i also just care so little now about things that i used to waste my time on, like social media and clickbait articles.

I also lost my Uncle Eddie and Aunt Helene's husband recently. I hadnt seen either of them since before covid. I wanted to write about those two different events too but i just never got a chance to due to time constraints.

thank you to my friends who moved around times to hang out with me yesterday and today due to me having to be in the hospital. thank you to all the health care workers working on their weekend. to the compassionate angels that are nurses. thank you to people (including my PCP) who listened to me and supported me.

leaving on a trip today and will not have wifi or phone service for this week. part of me is anxious about the fact that my emails will pile up impossibly high and i wont be able to respond to people who email me. but what this experience with Aunt Helene has taught me is that there are certain things that truly matter, and getting anxious about work is just a waste of this precious life ive been gifted.

ive also been nodding off repeatedly throughout writing this so this post very well might not make sense. i have to be up in about 5 hrs and am extremely exhausted from barely sleeping this past week. but i really had to write in here before i went to sleep.

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starman-o7 · 3 years

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Okay so it's getting kinda late here which means I am not in the mood to turn on my computer so I can show you guys the sides looks so that will be a different post. I also want to make clear that this is the first time I'm playing things and am actually aware of what the fuck is going on and so the begging was a bit of a mess and so is the house. Now let's get into what's happened so far:

First | Previous | Next

TW: s*x mention, kinks mention, caps, swearing

First of all lemme tell ya, controlling six (6) fucking people is harddd 😣

Ya girl got a little too excited with the money cheat code so naturally I made a big house, only problem is that I am not a good architect so this 3 floor house shows my progress at decorating and designing, which means that the 1st floor (the common area) looks like absolute shit and I do not have the energy to change it. The 2nd floor (3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and a balcony that nO ONE EVER USES AND I AM PISSED) is a little better and the last floor (3 more bedrooms and another bathroom) is probably the one that looks the best

I also made a pool and a tiny game room that nO ONE EVER USES EITHER UNLESS TOLD TO

I saw a cupcake machine and with all that money I immediatly went "shit I need that"

Worst. Decision. Ever.

Every time these dumbasses are hungry they go make a cupcake eVEN THOUGH THERE'S SO MUCH FOOD LAYING AROUND

I have now sold the cupcake machine

Literally the first thing that happened was a fire after Remus tried to make some burgers or something

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS BREAKING

The amount of times the toilets, sinks, washing machine and coffee machine have broken 🤦‍♀️

Moceit was the first ship to go on a date but I'm a dumbass and sent them while Janus reeeaaalllyyyyy had to pee, sleep and eat but did nothing about it until after the date bc "oh shit there's goals??? I must complete all of them and make them boyfriends by the end of it"

How the fuck do I make the sims have a "deep conversation" or whatever it was while on a date?

Janus has passed out from energy failure so much the poor thing

Intrulogical was the next ship to happen

I wanted prinxiety to be more of a slow burn bc they're my otp which means I made @captainpatton-thewinterdad suffer a bit from it >:3

Speaking of prinxiety, Roman kissed Virgil twice and Virgil kissed him once before they even went on a date and I did not make then do that (I also didn't try to stop them though)

Initially Remus job was a criminal but his and Logan's schedules never matched so I thought "okay either Remus changes jobs or intrulogical will never happen" so I made him quit and become an artist

Later on (after their first date where they started dating) Logan got a promotion making it so their schedules didn't match again and I wanted to scream

Today was everyone's birthday but Roman was the first one so I threw him a birthday party. Everyone was absolutely exhausted bc my dumbass thought that the party would be scheduled by me but no so it was like midnight on a work night, everyone just wanted to go to bed, the caterer didn't do shit, I achieved basically none of the goals for the party which got rated as really bad or something and Roman is still feeling sad and embarrassed for throwing such a bad party even days after

None of the others got a birthday party and boi were they upset that everyone had forgotten their birthday

Roman lit himself on fire by accident when he was trying to warm himself by the fireplace and I've had so many fires like wtf

Everything's always either broken, dirty or on fire

It's like a wheel of misfortune

Prinxiety finally had their first date and became boyfriends bc after their birthdays I was hit with the realization that sims age fast and I want them to get married and have kids 🥺

Patton asked Janus out on a date (the place of their first one 🥺💖) and proposed to him

They got home and did it

I love that bc the sims is a game that can and is played by kids it has to be family friendly so instead of the action being called "have sex with [blank]" or "sleep with [blank]" it's called "woohoo with [blank]"

Logan and Remus also did it if any of you horny bitches are interested bc Logan was kinda mad I think bc of work?? maybe?? And let's be honest one of Remus' many kinks would definitely be angry sex and honestly I can see Logan also being into it

I laughed a lot when the couples slept together bc for some reason my fucked up brain thought the animations for it were absolutely hilarious (@captainpatton-thewinterdad could you hear me laughing in the videos? 😂)

Virgil and Roman are the only pure virgins in this household

Just realized I didn't say what the others jobs were so

Logan: astronaut

Patton: babysitter

Roman: entertainer

Virgil: style influencer (I love the stylist Virgil hc okay)

Janus: businessman

Remus (former) criminal, (current) artist

I think that's pretty much it so far. If you have any questions you can reblog this post or send an ask. I am thinking of taking some requests for things to do with the sides in the game so if you have any suggestions reblog, send an ask or leave a comment in the notes

Thank you for hearing this long ass rambling and I hope that I at least made you chuckle a little :)

(@captainpatton-thewinterdad if I forget anything you remember please reblog with it or send me a msg, you and I both know my memory sucks lol)

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katherine-rambles · 3 years

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so i’m up late again, because my sleep schedule is pretty thoroughly disconnected from the sun cycles, and it’s reached the hour where i’m sleepy enough to be sad

n like. i recognize there’s a bunch in my life i just gotta *do* to get it done... but i haven’t and i find myself anxious even thinking about it and since i don’t need to immediately i just... don’t

i know that going on as i have been is not ideal... and i dislike that i am not making progress towards my goals... and i just ignore that

i guess. maybe making a list of all the reasons things are hard (even the silly ones) is something i can do? so

1. my sleep schedule is way the fuck messed up

1a. that means most of my awake-hours are between 2pm and 6am right now

1b. i don’t really like doing things immediately after i wake up, and by the time i feel Ready to Do Anything it’s after 5 (which is like... office hours are over for almost everything and a couple other things are over)

1c. which is discouraging bc many of the things i need/want to do are mostly only available in those times... and once i feel like a day is wasted i am more likely to waste the day

1d. many of the things i’d like to do that aren’t necessarily time sensitive are kinda loud or at least not things i want to do when other people (roommates/neighbors) are asleep... so i can’t really work on those even though im up all night every night

2. i have a lot of anxiety about my Future and Finances and Health and those anxieties make it hard for me to think about the smaller steps i want to take to work on those things i guess

2a. the job i quit made me REALLY anxious (which i realized mostly in retrospect) but also specifically really anxious about how my health affects my ability to work and more importantly really kinda dunked on my ability to believe that i can find a work environment that is okayish about accommodating? they were really immensely shit about it (which is a problem i’ve had for a while but like, with a better environment/people it’s been manageable in the past... but that environment was very much not so in a way that eroded my faith in being able to find a job that can be chill about it going forward, i guess?)

2b. i guess my point is that my recent experiences have me scared and i haven’t been able to shake that which makes... each piece of the things i want to do more Fraught and like... more intertwined in my head?

3. me and luna try to make Times To Do Shit specifically but we usually let each other off the hook because we both often feel Bad and i am thinking that trying to rely on this method is not great for either of us... when it works it’s great! but when it doesn’t we both slide backwards and just let things Not Happen

4. i often plan to do things and just Feel Bad (migraines, vomiting, etc) and can’t

4a. so when i feel good after feeling bad I want to have some amount of fun instead of just feeling like shit and then having to do work that is frightening and anxiety-inducing and tough to start working on. so i do that and don’t do work things

5. things i want/need to do feel complicated and difficult and given my current often-incapable-of-work-or-fun life i am even worse at holding myself accountable than i normally am because i’m trying not to feel like shit for feeling like shit all the time ... because i will and do beat myself up about it but doing that doesn’t help me get things done. i’ve been struggling with holding myself accountable since my first depressive episode, not that i was ever particularly great at it but it’s been abysmal since then. it does vary depending on external things but that isn’t super consistent (mostly because i can’t control those external factors).

idk... just thoughts. i feel like those are the main issues i have right now. maybe making a list of things i want to do and like. the absolute smallest steps possible might help?

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lovely-ateez · 4 years

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For The First Time Pt.2~

ꕥPosted: 7/25/20

ꕥGenre: College!au, Fluff

ꕥPairing: Fem!reader x Jongho

ꕥWord Count: ~1k

ꕥWarnings: None

ꕥA/N: I know this isn’t a popular series which makes me a little sad but I wanted to finish it anyway. If people end up liking it and it actually gets attention I might(?) make a part 3. It’s most likely gonna end here tho. Read part 1 also if you wouldn’t mind! Things will make a lot more sense if you do. You can do that here

ꕥA/N Cont: So even though I provided translations for some words, there is a phrase that I clarified in the middle of the writing bc I didn’t want to spoil anything

ꕥPhrase Guide:

你= You

加油 = You can do it (encouragement)

Jongho was surprisingly easy to talk to and we got along better than I thought we would. Not that I thought we wouldn’t get along, but I was still surprised.

After we had lunch together we exchanged numbers and began to hang out more, usually every couple days given our busy schedules.

He was so talkative that I found out almost everything about him in no time. He just turned 20, was a music major, and took Chinese because he wanted a challenge. He loved snow but hated the cold. Soccer was his favorite sport but he didn’t play often since he was always either studying or working as a tutor for underclassmen. He was born in Korea but grew up in America. Fluent in Korean but insecure enough about his American accent that he only spoke it with close friends and family. He met Mingi during a soccer camp he went to in middle school and his best friend - the guy with the mullet - was named Hongjoong and apparently much friendlier than he looked.

The more I spent time with Jongho, the more I realized I had feelings for him and the stronger they became. When Marina and I were alone in our dorm, I told her everything I was feeling and the response was exactly what I suspected.

“HA! KNEW IT!” Marina yelled, “I just won myself ten bucks.”

“I’m sorry, YOU WHAT?”

“I may or may not have made a bet with Mingi that you would catch feelings within three months of meeting Jongho. And you’re two days away from three months, girly.” She shrugged but kept the smile on her face.

“Oh my god you did not. Actually speaking of...what’s up with you two? Are you official yet?”

Marina went quiet for a moment then bit her lip, finally speaking up, “Well...not yet, technically, but we’ve seriously considered it. We have another date this weekend. Now all you have to do is get with Jongho and we can go on a double date.”

“Yeah I don’t know about that, M.”

“Y/n he totally likes you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No I know. He’s got a few tells so I know he feels at least a little something. I’m just not sure if I should commit to anything, you know?”

Marina let out a loud laugh before speaking again.

“Pfft no. I dated all throughout high school. If I’m being honest, though, I really think you should give it a chance. People always freak out about possibly ruining a friendship by confessing but honestly if a friendship can’t withstand a little crush then you probably weren’t solid friends in the first place.”

“You know what? You’re right. I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

“Hell yeah girl! Go get him!”

The next day arrived way too quickly. Although I told myself I would confess, I was getting anxious. I walked into Chinese class holding hands with Marina for emotional support. We were the first ones there, as always, so I had a bit of time to rant.

“I’ll be honest, M. I’ve never felt butterflies like this before. I’m actually shaking.” I lifted up my hand to show her my slight tremor.

“Oh sweetheart! It’ll be all good! Promise. Just take a few deep breaths.”

I slowly breathed in and out for the next several seconds.

“You’re right. I can do this.”

The trio walked into class several minutes later. Mingi gave a quick kiss to Marina and Jongho gave me a friendly smile. Hongjoong rolled his eyes at the four of us and walked to his usual seat, propping his feet up on the seat in front of him.

The rest of the class filled in and soon our professor arrived.

The professor loudly clapped her hands, speaking up, “Alright class. Today I’m going to have you pair up in groups of two and work together. I don’t care who it’s with, as long as it’s with somebody. We’ve got an even number of students so we should be fine. I’ve got some games for you to play today.”

I turned to Marina but she was already halfway up the stairs to sit next to Mingi. I looked at Jongho but he motioned at Hongjoong, mouthing that he was sorry.

Okay. That’s fine. I thought. I’ll find someone else. Looking up I saw the unfamiliar young man standing in front of me. He blanked for a moment when I looked up at him.

“Hey! Uh...would you maybe want to be partners?”

“Are you sure? With the both of us together we’ll probably beat the whole class by a landslide.”

He laughed and sat down next to me, visibly more confident.

“I’m sure they can manage. I’m Tommy, by the way. You’re y/n, right?”

I nodded and smiled at him as we shook hands. I looked Tommy in the eyes and saw a slight blush on his cheeks. What I didn’t see; however, was the death stare Jongho was giving him.

The professor looked up and let out a laugh, pointing at Tommy and I.

“Yeah no way in hell am I letting that happen. You two are my best students and - no offense everyone - but no one would stand a chance against you two.”

“Ouch.” I heard Mingi say.

Jongho quickly stood up and raised his hand, “I’ll partner up with her!”

“Very good. Get on with it then.”

Tommy looked upset, making me feel bad for leaving him.

“Hey that’s okay, Tommy. Maybe next time?” I gave him a smile that he soon returned.

I walked up to Jongho, sitting next to him as Hongjoong sat down next to Tommy.

Jongho leaned in and whispered, “I’ll be honest, y/n. I’m really glad the teacher separated you two.”

“Yeah, I bet everyone is. We are the best in the class, no offense,” I laughed.

“Actually no I meant-“

“Alright class. I have talked in English for an unusually long time but in my defense, I was up basically all night grading essays so I’m running on two hours of sleep and a cappuccino. Nevertheless, I’ll now switch to Chinese. 加油.”

The first game was simple enough. The teacher wrote beginner to intermediate level phrases for us to translate. If we got it right, we got a point.

My team eventually won, beating Tommy and Hongjoong by a single point. Jongho really surprised me, getting almost as many questions right as I did.

Mingi and Marina ended up last because neither of them were paying attention, instead flirting with each other.

The second and final game was a little more complicated. We had to translate the sentence, as well as pronounce all the characters correctly. Tommy’s team was tied with mine until Jongho answered the last question correctly. I smiled at him and bounced in my seat.

“We won, Jongho!” I exclaimed, pulling him into a hug. He froze at first, but then put his arms around me and pulled me closer.

The professor spoke up once more, “We’re out of time for class today but remember you have a test next week. I expect you all to be studying!”

Our classmates soon left the room along with our teacher. Hongjoong quickly ran out to meet his new boyfriend - Seonghwa I think he said? - and Mingi and Marina were already gone. I assumed they left class sometime during the second game.

“Hey,” Jongho said to me as I was slipping on my backpack, “I was wondering if you could help me out with my writing in Chinese? Sometimes I mess up the stroke order and I could use the practice.”

“Sure! When do you want to study?”

“How about now?”

Jongho grabbed my arm and led me down to the whiteboard at the front of the class. I looked around at the empty classroom and nodded. I didn’t want to disturb anyone. He picked up a marker and began to write.

“I’ll write and you tell me if I make a mistake, okay?”

I laughed, “Sure, Jongho.”

As he started writing I didn’t see any mistakes. When he finished writing, I gasped.

“我喜欢你。你喜欢谁?”

[I like you. Who you you like?]

I smiled and took the marker from his hands, placing it back on the podium. I looked him in the eyes and cupped his face. “你” I said as I kissed him. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. He smiled and kissed me again, this time wrapping his arms around my waist.

We pulled back for air and I whispered, “You know, I was actually planning on telling you today, too. Marina encouraged me to tell you, but I guess I didn’t have to after all.”

“I mean you can still tell me, if you want.”

I gently kissed his cheek, “You already know how I feel.”

“Hmm. Actually I’m not quite sure. Could you clarify for me?” Jongho laughed when I playfully hit his arm.

“You know,” he continued, “when I said I was glad the teacher separated you earlier, I meant that I was glad you were away from Tommy. I’ve seen the way he looks at you and I really didn’t like it. I got so nervous because even though I tease, this is the first time I’ve felt like this. So I guess the question is...will you let me take you on a date?”

“Absolutely!”

#ateez #ateez au #ateez smut #kpop #kpop smut #jongho #choi jongho #jongho fluff #jongho ateez #kpop imagines #yeetus #college au #imagines #ateez imagines #ateez atiny #atiny

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extremelyblackandwhite · 4 years

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i wanna know what love is - 31

Pairing: rockstar! sebastian stan x writer!reader

Warnings: fluff

A/N: it’s the last chapter. guys it’s been such an honour to write for all of you, to listen to all of your feedback. this was my very first fanfic i felt people enjoyed and it’s been such a rollercoaster. it’s so bittersweet that it’s ending but it’s been a blast and i’m gonna miss it. i hope you enjoy it guys. much love, bea xx

(did i name one of their children after jess mariano? yes. do i have any regrets? no.) (if anyone wants any drabbles about them pls ask bc i’m finding it rly hard to say goodbye to them)

Last Chapter

1 YEAR LATER

- Y/N, wake up. - Mary hit the sleeping Y/N with the pillow making her whine as she opened her eyes to the bright sunlight. Y/N groaned, grabbing the pillow and turning to the side trying to go to sleep again. As she felt like she was about to fall asleep again, she felt cold water hit her. The girl raised her torso, eyes wide open as she stared at the red head holding flowers in one hand and a vase on the other hand. - It’s your wedding day and we have a schedule.

- You just tossed water at me. - she shrieked at her, feeling the coldness hit her. - God, this is my wedding day not the army.

- We have facial, makeup, hair and dress, and that’s just for you. - Mary grabbed her by the arm pushing her up. - Let’s go.

Mary had been over the moon when Y/N asked to help her out with her wedding. They had to get married in London due to the boys being on the recording studio after Sebastian joined them back a year ago, therefore Y/N had made it well known that she was gonna get married in a garden which Sebastian didn’t really mind. What both of them minded was everyone wanting them to spend one week apart at least for luck. They both hated it, specially Sebastian who kept wondering she was gonna give up and be a runaway bride, something Y/N had told him she wouldn’t various times.

In order to make up for that stupid arrangement, they decided to have a first look away from everyone else much to both their families despair which keep telling them it was bad luck. They didn’t care however.

Y/N spent four hairs in the makeup chair, between having face masks and her eyebrows tweezed at the same time someone did her nails along with the heat of the curling iron she found herself falling in and out of sleep. The photographer even took some photos of her asleep as Mary did her hair.

She was finally ready and in her dress after four long hours, she felt beautiful in her wedding dress and couldn’t wait to see Sebastian, mostly because she couldn’t picture him fully dressed up. Mary and the rest of the team left leaving her in the room waiting for Sebastian who came in a bit later. His eyes watered as he saw her standing there dressed in white, looking like something that had fallen from heaven.

- I love you so much. - he pulled her into his arms, kissing her softly on the lips, missing her already.

- You can’t cry. - she said, noticing his watering eyes. - Or I’m gonna cry and I think Mary will kill me if I mess up the makeup.

- That’s not cool man. - she held her finger against the corner of her eye trying to prevent her tear from streaming down her face. - You look so handsome.

- Yeah, these are your father’s shoes. - he said making Y/N chuckle at how he did a little tap dance. - Oh, I got you something.

- C’mon, Seb. We promised no gifts. - she smiled at him as he took a small box from his trousers’ pockets. He handed it over to her, eyes set as she opened the little box to revel a pair of little pearl earrings. - Aw, Seb, you shouldn’t have.

- I thought you needed something new for the wedding. - he kissed her forehead.

- Well, happily I knew you never follow your promises so I got your something too. - Y/N moved to her bedside table grabbing a rectangular back and walking back to him, slowly so she wouldn’t trip on her dress.

- Now that’s just not fair, that’s a much bigger box. - he pointed at the box, making her roll her eyes. He took it from her, slowly opening it to see a pregnancy test, a positive pregnancy test. His eyes went from it to her and back to it. - Are you pregnant?

- Yeah. - she smiled at him, the tears returning again. - I’m pregnant.

- You’re pregnant. - he picked her up, twirling her before kissing her a few times, going from her lips to her nose to her forehead. - You’re pregnant, we’re gonna have a baby.

- YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! - Mary opened the door, receiving confused looks from them. - What? I was just making sure you wouldn’t have sex and ruin my masterpiece before the wedding.

- Can you keep it a secret until the honeymoon? It’s quite recent. - Y/N asked, leaning against Sebastian’s side which had the biggest grin ever. - But yeah, we’re having a baby.

- Right, we’ll talk about me being the baby’s godmother after the wedding. You go the altar, Y/N, we’re getting the garter. C’mon

5 YEAR LATER

Sebastian was driving down the highway like a crazy man. He had been away from his wife for a full month after doing press for the new album and all he wanted right now was to get back to their home. If Y/N was around she would’ve screamed at him to slow down but all he could think about was being with her again.

He pushed onto the drive away, getting off the car and rushing over to the door, unlocking the door. As he stepped in he heard a high pitch voiced followed by someone hugging onto his legs.

- Jess! - Sebastian saw his wife rush down the stairs, bath towel in hand and then looked down at his first born who was wearing his bath robe which meant him and his wife were fighting the bath time routine again. - Jess, what did I say about running down the stairs?

- But it’s daddy! - the little boy pointed at his dad who crutched down to pick him up. Y/N playfully rolled her eyes, walking over to Sebastian, placing a kiss in his lips as the toddler wrapped his arms around his dad. Y/N would always say that Sebastian was always Jess’ favourite, despite him being the one who looked more like her with the same eyes. He had been her hardest pregnancy when compared to his sister. All Y/N had wanted to do was lay down and watch TV, specially Gilmore Girls which had been where she had rediscovered her childhood crush on Jess Mariano. After a bit of name discussion, she decided to name the baby Jess. - Daddy’s back.

- Are you trying to avoid bath time again, bud? - Sebastian tried to apprehend him but he could never do that. He missed his wife and kids too much besides, his oldest had inherited his persuasion abilities. - You don’t wanna make mummy sad, do you?

- No. - Jess cuddled onto his father’s side, arms still wrapped around his neck like a little baby koala.

- Why doesn’t daddy do bath time today? - Y/N smirked looking up to her husband. It was his time to try and hold down a slippery toddler.

- Alright, to the bath we go. - Sebastian held Jess as he climbed up to the upstairs bathroom along with Y/N which turned to enter the room near their own room. Y/N had already set the tub with some bubbles so Jess would find it interesting enough to care. All Sebastian had to do was managed to get his son into the tub which he didn’t do without a fight leaving his shirt completely drenched. - C’mon bud, it’s just a bath. Don’t you wanna smell nice for tomorrow’s party?

- I’m gonna be 4. - he raised four fingers, his little smile that resembled Y/N’s so much splattered on his face. - Mummy bought a cake and we’re gonna have a bouncy house.

- A bouncy house, no way! - Sebastian smiled as he carefully ran the loofa over his son. In no time he was out the tub and wrapped around a little green frog towel. He picked him up, still remembering the time when he would not walk unless Sebastian picked him up and took him to his bedroom. His friends always poked fun of how spoiled Jess was and Sebastian hated to admit it, but he did spoiled his kids like no one else. Back when Y/N was pregnant with Jess, every single thing possible available for babies was bought by Sebastian and it was no different once Jess got his toddler bedroom. He had been the only one for a long time and Y/N and Sebastian had so much love for him. - Ok buddy, which pyjamas are we wearing tonight?

- The space ones, please daddy. - he pointed at the NASA themed pyjamas they had gotten him once he started to get interested in space, something Y/N was really happy about. - Daddy, why do you leave for so long?

- Well ... - Sebastian handed him the pyjamas, helping his son get dressed and then tucked into bed. - Sometimes daddy has to go away for a bit, but I’ll always return to you guys.

- Can we read the new book mummy got me? - he held a blueish book in his tiny hands. Sebastian grabbed the book: I Love You to the Moon and Back. Well, he certainly did.

- I love our time together as we start each happy day, I love our bath time silliness the way we splash and play, I love to lift you way up high so you feel really tall. We’ll climb the highest mountaintops hold tight and you won’t fall, I love to share the magic of the stars above and think of all the different ways that we can show our love ... like when we’re touching noses, playing chase, or seeing friends. Our love is always with us, and it never, ever ends so snuggle safely in my arms, our day is nearly done. I love you to the moon and stars, my precious little one.

He looked up from the book, Jess fast asleep holding the very first stuffed toy Sebastian had bought for him when he heard Y/N was pregnant, looking like a precious little angel. Sebastian got up from the small chair, leaning to kiss his son forehead before walking to the master bedroom he shared with Y/N. There he found her wife with their second child, Marion. Marion was a recent addition to the family, she was about to turn one. Marion was the child that both Y/N’s and his mother said looked most like him with her big bright baby blue eyes, however her temper was Y/N’s. Mellow behaviour, liked to sleep a lot, specially leaning against their parents’ chest and unlike her brother adored the bath time.

- Look who it is, Marion. - Y/N said, holding her baby girl in her lap. - It’s daddy.

- My little princess. - Sebastian threw himself onto the bed, holding his baby daughter in the air making her giggle. Marion still did not talk, she was an observant one like Y/N, however she had started to walk although Sebastian always joked she looked tipsy when walking. - You’re sleeping in daddy and mommy’s bedroom tonight? Are you, my little precious baby?

- She’s with a cold, really whiney. Thought it would be better to let her sleep with us rather than wake up Jess. - she sat by Sebastian’s side, head leaning against his side. - I’m really glad you’re back home.

- Me too, no more month long absences. - Sebastian held his daughter, getting off from the bed and walking to the crib Y/N had brought into the room. He laid Marion in the million of all her toys which both him and Y/N kept buying for her, leaning to kiss her on her head before turning to Y/N. - I think I might be thinking about a break for maybe a few years.

- You sure? - Sebastian leaned next to her in bed, cuddling her. - I don’t want you to pause your career.

- But I miss the kids, besides, it wouldn’t be a complete pause. We could do some shows here and there, just not long months away from you and the kids.

- Whatever feels more comfortable to you, honey. - she smiled, tilting her head to kiss him. Sebastian smirked through the kiss, turning her on her back so he was standing above her. - Are you trying to get lucky, Mr. Stan?

- I think you deserve some care, Mrs. Stan. - he leaned into her neck, leaving open kisses there. - Don’t you think so?

- Mummy ...

- Oh my god. - Y/N pushed Sebastian off her once she heard her son’s voice coming from the end of the room. She did not want to traumatise her son for the rest of her life. - Jess, baby, what’s wrong?

- Nightmare. - Jess climbed onto the bed, putting himself between Y/N and Sebastian.

- Aw, baby. - Y/N pulled her son into a hug, kissing the top of his head. - It’s okay, why don’t you stay with mummy and daddy for the night?

- Really? - he looked over to his dad who sighed before nodding his head. Maybe it would be better to have fun with his wife whenever the kids weren’t around. - Daddy, you’re gonna love the party tomorrow.

- I’m sure I will, bud. - he pushed the duvet over his son and wife. - But now, we need to all go to sleep, okay?

- Okay. - he closed his eyes, turning on his back. Sebastian leaned in to kiss Y/N goodnight.

- Goodnight, Y/N. Love you.

- I love you too.

He couldn’t ask for anything else.

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan/reader #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan drabble #bucky imagine #bucky barnes

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alyss-spazz-penedo · 4 years

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Headcanon things that I can’t seem to work into my Salem-raised!Oscar AU But are definitely happening:

Oscar knows how to make (or cobble together) a LOT of shit in Watts' lab, but ONLY there. Remove him from that environment and he has no idea where to find the stuff he needs to do Things.

Oscar’s circadian rhythm is completely borked bc there was no sun for several of his developmental years and he has no sleep schedule. My boi lives on catnaps all over the place; Qrow has tracked him into closets and under furniture, snoozing away. He is reliably awake at one(1) time of day and that’s Salem’s teatime.

After the initial hugging fiasco Oscar is wary of Nora and doesn’t let her get close enough for a repeat. This is clearly A Challenge; Nora accepts.

So Nora is forever trying to bribe Oscar into her space by leaving him treats, as you do with feral animals. It goes... eh

Cookies and the like are too sweet for Oscar, btw, since he grew up on what were basically army rations. Like, painfully sweet. He eats them anyways, cursing Ozpin’s sugar addiction the entire time.

Again due to living off prepackaged food, Oscar can’t cook to save his life --actually, no, he probably could, Oscar will do a LOT to save his life, but like... why would he ever need to do that, seriously

Oh also he will eat food off the floor, bc he is an Actual Gremlin and no one ever taught him better; the only person who cared about his eating habits was Tyrian (for poisoning purposes) and he is a Bad Role Model who also thought it was hilarious.

Ozpin cares. Ozpin also nags.

In fact, Ozpin always nags. If at any point I don't specifically say that Ozpin's being quiet please assume that the man is just constantly commenting on Oscar's poor life choices in the background of the narrative (and being summarily ignored). The man has an endless patience for child-raising and advice-dispensing that is matched only by Oscar's sheer bullheaded irreverence and utter lack of faith in the advice of the man who has literally gotten himself killed more than anyone else in the actual entire world, head-leech, shut up and let me do what I do in peace-

Anywho back to the gremlin thing: the only manners Oscar ever learned had to do with backtalk (don’t do it if you can’t back it up) and tea (how to properly make it, serve it, and drink it).

This is sometimes confusing to the RWBYJRNQ gang, bc Oscar will do things like dramatically wax poetic in outdated vernacular about how they’re all going to die, but then turn around and swear like a prickly punk teenager as soon as someone pokes him, and then an hour later he’ll knock everything off the fireplace like a cat bc he wants to climb up and take a nap there. Two and a half hours later he’ll be snarling about soot and halfway up the chimney with a bucket of water and a rag. Which are not actually appropriate chimney cleaning materials, but Oscar was Magic At Cleaning (by necessity) before Ozpin ever showed his dead face anywhere in his feral little head. Boy makes it work.

Oh also did they mention the cleaning? Bc Oscar does that constantly. It’s gotten to the point where everyone's just grown super careful about not making messes.

Paaaaaartially due to guilt, but mostly because if they fuck up Oscar will show up in 1.5 seconds with a mop or broom and just start working with a completely blank face like some kind of robot, and it’s creepy af. And if anyone tries to help (especially the person who made the mess to begin with), then he goes from blank to suspiciously confused, and that's just sad. No one wants to deal with that.

#destiny has written your end #oscar pine #rwby #my writing #fanfic #headcanons #the Salem-raises-Oscar AU that nobody asked for and exists only to hurt people

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cardboardboxcomplex · 4 years

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ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore. i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn.

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they.

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix)

#white noise #i'll tag idk journal stuff that i guess #cos actually all my thoughts are not in words #until i turn them into words #which has gotten increasingly difficult #long post #idk should i tag that #idk who's actually following this acct #besides kosestream

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mothercetrion · 4 years

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Sindel/Sheeva for thems otp asksk?

oh anon. i love you. i’m gonna try not to mess this up royally considering that i have not really looked too much in-depth into this ship, but i will give an all-star effort!

1) who can outdrink the other? Sindel. neither of them drinks very often, but when they do, Sindel can handle her alcohol a little better

2) who says “I love you” more? Sheeva. she says it every chance she gets. they’re just hanging out? “I love you.” Sindel is about to leave on a dangerous mission/trip? “I love you, be careful.” Sindel does something that leaves her smitten? “I adore you, my queen.” Sheeva is just... in love. and vocal about how she feels

3) who has trouble sleeping alone? Sindel. she can, but it’s just significantly harder when someone isn’t there to keep the bed warm. she loves when Sheeva is there because then they can cuddle

4) who swears more? Sheeva, but not by much. neither of them are too fond of cussing but Sheeva will say a cuss word of the time arrives

5) who does more of the housework? they both share the responsibilities, but they also have maids that take care of it so they don’t get as much done as they wish they could

6) who forgets their anniversary? these two have the most amazing memories, so. neither of them. they plan it so far ahead because they don’t want their busy plans to interfere with a day dedicated to one another

7) who steals the duvet in their sleep? Sindel. she loves to be warm and comfy in her bed, and Sheeva is totally content with that

8) who keeps the other awake at night with their snoring? Sindel snores. it’s not super loud, but considering that there’s no other noise in the room, it is definitely noticeable. Sheeva has gotten used to it!!

9) who finds stray animals and begs the other to let them keep them? Sindel. it’s hardly begging, but she’s blunt. “i want this cat, my love” “as do i, but our schedules do not allow a pet” but Sheeva ends up getting her a cat bc Sindel’s happy reaction was 100% worth it

10) who usually makes dinner? Sindel has Skills when it comes to cooking. she can cook a four-course meal in less than an hour and gives a concert while doing it.

11) who plays their music out loud? neither of them really? i don’t think they ever really listen to music unless it’s out loud anyway (like in a concert setting or something)

12) who hogs the bathroom? Sindel. she has so much hair to brush. she doesn’t hog it on purpose, but it’s a tedious task that takes a while

13) who gives the most compliments? Sheeva. she is very vocal and will tell how she feels without hesitation, and that leads to a lot of compliments for Sindel. she loves it

14) i am not answering this one and can’t rephrase it in a way that i like jsgnjdkg

15) who isn’t afraid to embarrass the other in public? neither of them embarrass really. they both have high status and get a lot of attention, but they’re used to it and don’t really care

16) who gives the other cringeworthy pet names? Sindel. she is a big sap and loves giving cheesy nicknames to make Sheeva laugh

17) who fusses over takes care of the other when they get sick? Sindel’s caring instincts kick in whenever Sheeva is even a little bit sick. she will sit right by her and do whatever Sheeva asks to help her feel better

18) who finds it impossible to stay angry at the other for long? if either of them gets mad, it’s very rare that it lasts for longer than a few minutes. they hate being mad at the other and will do their best to make amends

19) who clings to the other for comfort when they’re sad or scared? Sindel has seen some crazy stuff. she likely feels just. so incredibly guilty about the circumstances of her life and would give anything to alleviate the trauma and stresses of those around her. sometimes she’ll ponder this too heavily and Sheeva will notice and just hold her a while, assuring her that she has done what she can to make those around her happy and things are sometimes just out of her control

20) who is more ‘physically passionate’? (hugs, kisses, or maybe more…) Sindel. she loves holding hands and touching Sheeva’s arms or back or shoulders and kissing her when they’re together and just. doing anything to be close to her in any way is good for her. she is so fond of Sheeva yall

#sindeeva #um #does that work #sindel/sheeva #sheeva #sindel #otp ask memes #asks #anonymous #mine

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ofjunkrcts · 5 years

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OKAY HI u guys have no idea how pumped i am for this!!!!!! i almost NEVER pick up second characters so u know that means i gotta whole lot of love in my heart for this girl :’) let’s jump right in i’m so excited!!!!!!!!!

part one: the backstory!!!!

what the fuck is up im coming at u HOT with another Hot Fucking Mess say hello to my mfn BABYGIRL frankie rivera

yes frankie is a nickname no u probably don’t know what her full name is bc undersharing is the name of the game baby

born on the wrong side of the tracks…… literally! technically the trailer park she grew up in wasn’t Actually an ashmont mailing address bc heaven forbid 100% of ashmont residents aren’t stupid rich! but thanks to the wonder that is school of choice, frankie still went to ashmont high school w the gang way back when!

(sex work tw) she was raised by her single mother who was a community college dropout when a random ass hookup ended up in her being pregnant! her mom has worked two jobs all of frankie’s life to afford the basics, being a waitress at a bar by day and also a stripper by night to make that money and provide for her daughter! and even though they barely BARELY ever had enough to make ends meet, frankie’s momma is her whole HERO so watch ur mouth

because she didn’t really have much growing up and because her mom’s demanding work schedule left her with very little supervision, she resorted to petty theft at a pretty young age. sometimes it was to get things that she or her mom needed, like medicine from the gas station down the street. sometimes it was to get things that she wanted, like if she wanted fresh fruit for breakfast. and, eventually, she ended up stealing because it was what everyone expected from someone “like her”

by the time that high school came around, frankie’s tendency for theft had surpassed means of survival and had, instead, had turned into something that she couldn’t stop herself from doing. she stole clothes, makeup, accessories, art supplies, anything and everything that the world of rich kids around her made her believe that she needed but couldn’t afford on her own and she quickly found that she couldn’t stop herself

the idea that she was constantly being judged by people who looked down on her, constantly believing that there were a set of expectations she would always be held to, constantly being seen as nothing and constantly having to prove that she wasn’t worthless — all became recurring themes in her life

the first person frankie met who changed her life was a man named mel carson, the owner of carson’s automotive shop. when she was fifteen, frankie got caught attempting to shoplift from the pharmacy of the convenience store and, really, she’d just been lucky that mel had been there and convinced the owner of the store to let her go with a warning, paying for what she’d been trying to steal. and then he’d really saved her life by offering her a job at the shop

the second person frankie met who changed her life was her art teacher, junior year. coincidentally, it was another instance where she thought that she was going to end up in trouble with the law. she’d developed a love for art at a young age, but it had always seemed untouchable until the day that she began to express herself through graffiti. it was her art teacher who found her spray painting one of the back walls of the school and, instead, of reporting her to the school or to the ashmont pd for vandalism, he looked at her and saw the talent and the passion with which her work was carefully completed. he convinced her to start taking classes, gave her a place and supplies to work in his classroom, fostered her interests and encouraged her to stick with it

she did and, by some miracle, she ended up at st e’s on a scholarship for her art after spending a year at community college, which she never thought would have happened to someone like her. opening her college acceptance letter, with her mom looking on and beaming with pride, was the first time in her life that frankie truly felt like she might be able to amount to something

now she’s out here at st e’s chilling, working at the art gallery, also running a “technically illegal because you don’t have any certification” underground auto shop in the junkyard just chilling !!!!!!!

PART 2: PERSONALITY

as far as her personality goes, frankie can probably best be described as being single minded to the point of recklessness. she has been held accountable for very few things in her life, never really had a lot of responsibilities, was never held to a very high standard, often got away with things she shouldn’t have without seeing repercussions, etc. because of that she’s always been a bit flighty and had a difficult time seeing the full extent of the consequences of her actions

this probably..... best displays itself in her tendency to be...... overly flirtatious with uhhh everyone all the time she is so TERRIBLE about it she is so so flirty n so so ........ Like That. i dont mean 2 be that person but like........ female danny/female noah. thats her ladies!! ready n willing to sleep w anyone at almost any moment in time

but shes super gay so jot that down xoxo

ANYWAY. it isnt that she’s not empathetic bc she IS. she gets Way Too Attached to people and then backs out before she can fully commit bc..................

she’s also a BIG TIME commitment-phobe, terrified of letting people in and seeing the parts of her that she keeps tucked away under a cool, icy, collected exterior which mostly stems from the fact that she has a lot of repressed contempt towards people who have always viewed her as lesser because of her status, social standing, etc

i might be biased but??? i love her and think she’s a good person still??? like deep down she’s such a sweetheart she really is, she likes to just hang out in the junkyard and and go through trash that people threw away and pick out pieces of things that can be built into something new and beautiful

she’s super sentimental deep down but will throw punches if anyone tries to say that, she doesn’t give a SHIT if she’s only like 5 ft tall she will fight

she’s a baby and strongly identifies in the “junk” of the junkyard n wants someone to put effort into her to make her beautiful the way that she does to everything else and that’s on that

OKAY. PLOTS

basically i have some in my brain already but im gonna do the tldr version of them rn so that i can POST THIS.

first of all, GIVE HER SPICY CONNECTIONS PLS kiki is the loml n my girl but shes 2 sad 2 b spicy ever in her life so LET ME HAVE A SPICY GIRL PLS

FRIENDS!!!!! she would live and die for her friends SO VERY MUCH give her some sweet wholesome plots esp someone who was perhaps her friend back in the day

“EXES” and i put it in quotations bc its... highly unlikely that frankie was ever 1000000% committed and in a serious relationship (OR maybe she was maybe ur character was the 1 exception that broke her heart) BUT THERE R SO MANY POSSIBILITIES FOR THIS TO GO MESSY

also she needs ROOMMATES. WHO WANTS A ROOMMATE!!!!!!!!!!!

um????? hateship?????????? didnt get along??????????// still dont get along???????????

IDK. MY BRAIN IS SO SCATTERED BC I AM SO EXCITED N FEELING CRAZY BUT!!!!!!!!!!! ILY

#veritasintro #WHAT THE FUCK IS UPPPPPP

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madrut16 · 5 years

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July Fanfic Challenge Day 3: Closure - Part 1

Author’s Note: Another new pairing! I finished playing this book back in October for Halloween and ILB (which I haven’t really played bc I want a good ending and I cannot afford the diamonds to get it) and I loved it! This is the first book where I haven’t really been drawn to any of the canon LIs so, of course, I had to come up with this! I can’t wait to write more with them and explore these characters post It Lives.

Pairing/Book: ILITW (Dan x MC)

Rating: PG-13

Summary: There’s one last thing Raina needs to do before she and some of the gang leave for the start of a new chapter of their lives in Seattle.

The doorbell rang as I scrambled to finish packing my suitcase, and I cursed out loud when I checked the time on my phone. I knew I should’ve gotten up an hour earlier but I was never a morning person and it took forever to go to sleep last night. Sighing, I stared at the two plastic bins left in my room before running downstairs to the front door.

“I’m coming!” I shouted as I reached the entryway.

I took a second to smooth down the stray hairs that had appeared in the reflection of the old grandfather clock attached to the wall. It was a silly thing to do since he wouldn’t care what I looked like this early in the morning. But, then again years old crushes made you do a lot of trivial things.

With a satisfied nod, I finally opened the door. “Hey! Come in.”

“Took you long enough,” Dan commented as I let him inside.

I gave him one of my signature eye rolls. “Sorry, I was packing.”

“Still?”

“I know, usually I’m much more organized but, I’ve been doing most of this by myself so it’s taken a while,” I explained as I led him back up the stairs. “I swear I’m almost done though, it’s mainly just my suitcase for the road trip I have left.”

Catching my gaze, his lips turned up into a smile. “Good, cause the others are gonna be here in about 15 minutes.”

“I could use some help then,” I replied as we reached my room where I quickly added, “And don’t worry, my underwear is already in there so you don’t have to touch any of that.”

This caused him to chuckle, although I thought I saw his cheeks turn a little red. Or maybe it was just all my imagination, hoping it was true. “Wasn’t even concerned about it. I’m happy to help if it means we actually get to leave on time for a pit stop for coffee and donuts.”

“At Diane’s?”

“Of course, is there really any other option?” He answered with a smirk.

After waking up from the coma and dealing with all of the repressed trauma from Mr. Red and Jane and Noah, it made me happy to see him finally starting to return to his normal self over the past several months.

Packing the pile of sweaters I folded late last night, I responded, “Not in Westchester there isn’t. We’ll have to find someplace like it in Seattle.”

“Oh, I’m sure it won’t be that hard, it’s practically dripping in coffee shops,” he said, handing me the last stack of clothes on my bed. “What are we doing with those?” he asked, gesturing to the closet behind me.

“Already have that covered,” I disclosed, walking over and opening the door to reveal several hangers wrapped in trash bags.

Looking over my handiwork, an impressed expression appeared. “You...really planned this out.”

“Actually this time it was my mom’s idea. Once I get to the apartment, I can just hang them back up and take the bags off. Easy peasy.” I started collecting them from the closet and setting them in the one bin that was left unfilled.

There was a brief pause and I could tell he was deep in thought, almost as if he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure if he should. He always got quiet when he did this but, so did I. That’s how I knew he had slipped into his own head. Well, that and the fact that we’ve been best friends off and on for over a decade now.

“Dan?”

“Hmm?” he snapped out of his reflective daze.

“Penny for your thoughts? You got quiet there for a minute.”

Meeting my gaze, he shrugged. “Nothing, I just...it must be hard, not having your parents with you to help move in.”

A small wave of sadness came over me. For almost four years now it’s been like this, them having to miss important milestones and events of my life. They barely made it back in time for my graduation over a year ago.

“My Nana’s...health problems definitely don’t have a convenient schedule,” I sighed. “Especially now that they’re getting worse. Who knows how long they’ll have to be over there this time. They are helping pay my portion of the rent so...I can’t really complain. They're doing the best they can and that’s what matters.”

“Yeah.”

I managed another smile, not wanting to think about it any longer. “Plus, your family will be over there this weekend before classes start, and they’re always there for me when mine can’t be,” I added.

“They do adore you,” Dan agreed with a laugh.

As we finished up the last of my packing, we continued our normal banter until it was complete. Right after that my phone chimed and I saw a new message from Andy in the group chat.

Andy: I’m here with Ava.

Ava: Can confirm.

Stacy: I’m on my way, be there shortly.

Smiling, I sent a thumbs up back.

“Well, we timed that perfectly,” I told Dan who was reading the messages on his phone.

This earned me a boyish grin, and I bit my lip as it stirred up a wave of butterflies. “What can I say? We make a great team. Almost perfect even.”

Was he flirting? God, I scrutinized everything between us these days.

“We really do, don’t we?” I raised an eyebrow teasingly as we headed back downstairs, bringing the bins and my suitcase with us. We set them with the others in the kitchen before letting our friends inside.

“Hey, Raina, Dan,” Andy said, the morning not hurting his energy one bit.

“Hey, guys!” I exclaimed giving him a hug.

I attempted to do the same with Ava but she dodged me and I settled for a hive five instead. “Nice try Raina but, it’s not happening.”

“Oh, I’ll get you to let me one of these days.”

She scoffed in response. “Hah, doubtful. It is fun to see you try though.”

I rolled my eyes as Stacy walked through the door.

“Sorry, I didn’t knock,” she panted out of breath. “But the door was open so I assumed it was fine.”

“Of course it is Stace,” I told her before taking in her haphazard appearance. “Running late?”

She nodded. “I couldn’t decide what to bring! It took me an hour to finally sort everything out. Plus, my mother was delaying me. I don’t think she wants to be by herself.” She frowned momentarily.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine,” Dan chimed in, trying to reassure her. At this point, it was almost second nature. “She just needs some time to adjust.”

“Yeah, I know,” she replied, exhaling the pent up stress she carried. “Doesn’t make it easier. At least Conner is there so, she’ll have some peace of mind.” She rubbed her forehead before painting on a smile.

Andy cleared his throat to relieve the sudden tension in the room. Everyone knew why Mrs. Green was paranoid.

“Ready to leave?” he asked, the keys dangling from his hand.

“I think so,” Dan replied, his analytical gaze wandering around the first floor. “Right Raina?”

I’m about to reply when I remember something. There was one last goodbye I needed to say. However, it meant letting them in on the secret that I’ve been keeping from them. But, I wasn’t one to break a promise and I wasn’t going to do it now.

“Actually, there is one thing that I need to do,” I responded, a nervous knot forming in my stomach. “It should take ten minutes, fifteen at most.”

I was met with four confused stares.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked me.

My gaze drifted to the window where the woods could be seen outside. “I need to visit...Noah.”

The name lingered, slowly sinking into each of my friends’ minds.

“Wait...you’ve been...seeing him?!” Stacy exclaimed first.

I had told them about what had happened between us and what he’d become right after that night but not much else.

I reluctantly nodded. I was tired, exhausted of carrying this burden on my own.

“For several months now. I know, he’s not exactly my favorite person either, and I definitely think him taking Jane’s place was the right thing to do,” I started to explain. “But, I don’t know, I guess he still deserves some mercy, some compassion still. I don��t want to leave him alone out there. So, I sometimes visit him every week or two, just so he has company.”

They all looked at each other and I closed my eyes, bracing for a confrontation. Yet, that’s not what I received.”

“We’re not mad,” Andy said after a minute. “Well, at least I’m not. I will admit that I’m not really that pissed at the guy anymore. And I’m the one whose leg got busted.”

Stacy and Ava still looked hesitant and I couldn’t blame them. Dan was quiet and deep in thought again but other than that, I had no idea how he felt and that scared me to death.

“I’m not completely over him trying to kill us...but I will admit I am tired of holding a grudge,” Ava mumbled, her arms folded tightly across her chest.

After a beat, Stacy sighed reluctantly, a guilt-ridden expression on her face. “Ugh, I can’t believe I’m saying this but...me too. That whole mess brought us back together when we never should’ve separated in the first place.”

That left one person. The person I needed to hear from the most. I willed myself to look at him.

“Dan? Say something,” I begged.

Please.

He shrugged a smile appearing. “You were actually worried Raina?” he commented, and I released the air I had been holding in.

“A little,” I admitted sheepishly. I should’ve known that he’d be the one I’d have to convince the least.

“I never really faulted the guy,” he said. “I mean yeah he betrayed us, but it was for a good reason. He wanted Jane back, his twin. And he mistakenly thought that was the only way he could do it. So, I’m definitely fine with you doing this. I just wish you would’ve felt like you could tell us. Me.”

I physically felt the weight lift off my shoulders. “Thank you, for not hating me. I just...we weren’t there for Jane when she was like this and look what happened. I don’t want the same thing to happen with Noah. I promised I’d say goodbye before we left.”

“Then let’s do it,” he replied.

I was taken a bit back as the others nodded in agreement. “You guys don’t have to come if you don’t want to. Just because this is what I need to find peace doesn’t mean it’s what you do.”

His response was immediate. “We’re a team, Raina. All of us. We got into this mess together so we should end it that way too. I think this could be good for all fo us. Well besides Lucas and Lily who aren’t here.”

“They can come with us when we’re here in December if they want to,” Andy said.

A touched smile appeared on my face. I was so grateful to have them so entrenched in my life again.

“Then let’s go into the woods.”

#playchoices #choices stories you play #choices july challenge #it lives in the woods #choices ilitw #dan x mc

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britneyshakespeare · 6 years

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blush, cute, kitty, love, prince, rainbow, smitten, snuggle, sparkle, sunshine

i fell asleep before i could answer these bc i’m a sleepy baby. whoops. but asks aren’t milk they don’t go bad if you leave em out overnight so here we go

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

I had many. In fact I still buy a lot of stuffed animals. But the most important was a stuffed turtle I got when I was 9. It’s kind of a sob story but I was in and out of the hospital constantly from late 2008-early 2009, and my first visit while I was lying weak from a procedure in the emergency room, my mom went down to the gift shop (it was Children’s Hospital Boston, which if you’ve never been there–and I hope to God you haven’t–it’s huge.) and picked me up a few toys that evening. One was a stuffed turtle I named Shelley (i’d like to say it’s for percy but obviously i was not that cultured when i was in fourth grade). I brought her to every subsequent emergency room trip, including when I got sick again in middle school, and AGAIN a few years ago. I’m not gonna take a picture but she’s lying on my bed w me right now. Yep. Shelley’s the one.

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

Lol I was in rehab at the time actually. I didn’t talk much while I was there (social anxiety makes it like that) but one girl who overheard that it was my birthday asked me “are you gonna go home and do something special?” and I was like “idk maybe my mom got a cake or something.”

No I haven’t taken my birthday that seriously in years. It’s just kind of another day for me. I think that last time I did anything was back when I was a little prodigy recluse (I was sick again and out of school at the time) when I turned thirteen, I had lunch with my twin sister (whose birthday it obviously also was) and our best friend. When I turned sweet sixteen it was the first day of spring break and I stayed in my house and ate a bag of white chocolate on my bed because I had gotten my heart properly broken for the first time. And this year I received a lot of lovely messages. That was it.

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

It depends on my sleep schedule. I like staying up late and being by myself (as long as it’s not forced staying awake by insomnia) and waking up early and being by myself.

love; what is your favorite season and why?

I know it’s sad but I never gave a damn about the weather. I don’t like any of them. I find winter the best because everything’s dead and no one expects me to go outside for fun.

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

Just… messy. My fourth grade teacher preferred my cursive handwriting to my print (because my print was messy and my cursive was restrained and pain-stakingly practiced) and she used to just make me, in particular write everything in cursive while everyone else could write in print. So because of that I started drifting towards more cursive-style connecting my letters even when I was writing in print. And now it’s like… I don’t even know if I have the right to say I write in print ever? Almost every letter is connected, but it’s not proper cursive. And I know proper cursive. Sometimes I switch to it for just a word if it’s easier. I haven’t written “of” in print since I was like thirteen. When I was ten I was going through this really intense “I need to make myself girlier so people will like me” phase and in between buying like 20 tubes of lip smacker and shopping at justice, and convincing myself that if I just combed my hair instead of brushing it it would look all straight like my best friend’s and Jane Asher’s, I tried for a few months to write in that stereotypical “girly handwriting” that’s very blocky and straight. Yeah. It naturally shifted back into its course. I wish I could take pictures of my own handwriting for my poetry blog because I think it would look very Personal but the problem is it’s just so illegible what’s the point.

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

The last book I finished was either rereading Lady Windermere’s Fan for the thousandth time, or the Tempest for the first. I can’t remember because I’m always reading more than one book at a time. Of the Tempest is this lovely monologue (linking it to Marianne Faithfull’s reading from the end of her 1995 album A Secret Life because she’s lovely and actually does a great version of it, but my rant about how the songs from the Tempest are performed now to be “modern” will wait for another day).Of the Fan, it is Lady Windermere exclaiming “Ah! You’re marrying a very good woman.”

smitten; do you collect anything?

Anything of mine that might be called a “collection” is really more a result of happenstance than purpose. My CD collection is mostly old stuff I’m meaning to sell by now, my DVD collection is mostly movies I’d watch w my sister, and comics are really only a thing I collect because that’s… just how you read comics. I have a bunch of old diaries from 2008-2015 and I don’t plan on parting w those, I guess they could count as a collection. Or all my poetry notebooks from over the years. But again, that’s just how ya write.

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

I like chocolate of almost any kind. Cotton candy is also really good.

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

Naah I have ADHD. When I was in my earlier teen years I always wanted to be one of those cool pop punk kids who wore like 10 bracelets all the time but 1) money, nah, and 2) I can’t stand to wear anything nonessential, that just, dangles there. I’ll get distracted. I can’t even wear long sleeve shirts wo rolling them up, without being conscious of it, no matter how much I try.

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

I wouldn’t say many of my habits are either practical or aesthetically pleasing. I’m a mess and not just one to look at. I guess it depends on what you mean by “practical” because of course I want things to be not-completely-useless but I do have an appreciation of aesthetics. Not that I practice a lot in real life though that’s expensive.

♡ cute asks ♡

#thank ya much nancy ily and i hope youre doing well #pavlovers #dianswered

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lafillederenard · 6 years

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all the questions!

Thank you, Kate! I’ve been going through these slowly for a while now. Here are the first 50 questions to the ask post found here: x

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

I pour more milk than is needed and feel wasteful when there’s milk leftover in the bowl. Sometimes I drink the milk and feel better. Usually I don’t even eat cereal though? I’m a wakey wakey eggs and bakey gal.

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Love that crisp cold winter air! Sure would like to feel it sometime soon! Right now at school, it’s almost like I can feel the weather slowly shifting to cold winter air weather.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

I often just use scraps of paper that are handy. I’ll use a pen or pencil if I’m switching between reading and writing. And I’ve used my phone a couple of times.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

I like really sweet and flavored drinks when going out for either. For coffee from scratch, I like to add a lot of creamer, preferably flavored.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

I used to be more so before. Now, not so much, but it has become a habit for me to smile with a closed mouth for pictures.

6: do you keep plants?

I try to, but it never seems to end well. 2 of my 4 succulents I had in my dorm room were stolen recently when I left them out. The other two I’ve been ignoring. I’m much better at taking care of my virtual plants on the app Viridi.

7: do you name your plants?

I’ve named a couple of my real plants, but I don’t really care to for the most part. Most of my plants in Viridi have a stupid meme name.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Music and writing. I haven’t been journaling as often as I used to, but I still consider it a big way I like to process my emotions: by writing down as much as I can.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

Yeah. I get self-conscious though, sometimes even when no one is around to hear.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

I like to sleep on my stomach, and can pretty much only fall asleep that way. But I sometimes switch to my side during the night.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

I don’t know if I can think of anything specifically that actually really applies so I’m just gonna pick some stuff…. High school friends will probably laugh if I mention how we all agree I have pretty good aim with my vomit….and college friends, well they call me the Cheese-It Harpy. Friends, let me know if you’re reading this and you think of something else.

12: what’s your favorite planet?

I don’t have a favorite planet. I’m very appreciative of space and I know basic astrology with the planets, but somehow I just don’t have a fave.

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

I did my friend’s hair up pretty and she liked it and another friend liked it.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

It’s gonna have vines on the walls outside and there’s a courtyard maybe and the apartment will have yellow painted walls and the window will look out over the street and we’ll put up lots of string lights and small plants. I really want to make those tiny tiny gardens with the little benches in them and stuff. And the kitchen sink will usually have dishes in it bc I’m/we’re not people who wash our dishes right away. There will be original and purchased art on the walls.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

So apparently CalTech astronomers think there might be a big planet way out past Pluto, technically in our solar system.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

UM I love all pasta but I will pick lasagna as my favorite almost all the time. I really love a baked ziti covered in mozzarella tho

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

So I don’t really want to dye my hair, but if I did, legit I would want it to be opalescent (silvery-white with pastel colors). Opals are my birthstone, and you bet that my hair would look like that if I was a Crystal Gem. But I don’t really think I’d be able to pull that off irl.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

So yeah, so my CV squad is always gonna remember me throwing up into the cup holder of the RENTAL car. My college friends…there’s probably so many but I’m blanking and can only think of when I spilled the cappuccino….or when I was tired and they put plastic lizards on my head and I got emotional bc I felt loved LOL. Idk help me out here guys Idk why I’m forgetting. I need to write down more of the things I do.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

I keep a writing journal at all times, and it’s basically a regular journal/diary where I write what happened, how I’m feeling.I also have a gratitude journal. I try to write in there as often as I can about things I am grateful for on that particular day, like compliments I may have received, or nice things that happened.

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

Brown. Almost everyone I’ve ever crushed on has had brown eyes. Brown eyes are beautiful!

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

Favorite bag??? I don’t use bags, lol. I got my backpack. I’m not terribly attached to it.

22: are you a morning person?

Nope! My sleep schedule may be really messed up, but either way, I love being up and doing things at night. I really like to take my time waking up in the morning; I’m pretty slow about it.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

The thing I usually end up doing is bumming around the computer, tumblr and all. My favorite thing, though, would probably be to watch a really good movie or two, or to gather a pile of books and read through them all, like I used to do when I was little. I also really like to sleeeeeeep

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Not really. There are some things that I just don’t talk about with anyone.

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

I’ve broken into very few places. One of them is the toilet paper dispenser in the slightly scary bathroom downstairs in the campus center.

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

This is basically all my shoes, as I kinda just find one pair of shoes I really like, and wear them every day until they get destroyed. I really liked my San Antonio Shoes that I wore to band. Several people complimented me on them. They seemed to fit really great. They were some good shoes. If I ever have the money, I might buy another pair sometime. The pair I had were bought ridiculously under-priced at a thrift store.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

I really like fruity gum. Fruit Stripe is my favorite chewing gum, but my favorite legit bubble-blowing bubblegum is the cotton candy bubblicious. It’s blue and super sugary and I have distinct memories of times when I chewed it, or wanted to be chewing it but was chewing something else, lol

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunset is my favorite time. Since I do a lot at night, it’s not really a sad symbol of my day ending, but the night beginning. Whereas if I am seeing the sunrise, that probably means I’ve stayed up all night, which probably was questionably smart to do….

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

I have a friend who kisses my hand to show affection, and I think it’s really cute and nice.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

I’ve never had any bone-chilling moments — no ghosts, home intruders, etc. But I have been genuinely scared of whether or not me and my family would be okay.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

I don’t really like the look of fuzzy socks, but I like how it feels to go to sleep in them. I prefer not to wear socks to bed, but my feet get cold often and I can’t fall asleep if my feet are cold. I’ve got a growing collection of socks with foxes on them, but I kinda prefer to wear plain socks. I feel like it’s immature to wear colorful socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

I can’t recall anything exciting happening. We’ve gone out for food. Had a microwave macaroni party…

33: what’s your fave pastry?

Ooh. I can’t think of anything specific. I like stuff with cherries, or maybe like a cheese danish. I’m not picky!

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

When I was really little I had Silly Bear. He was purple or something, and wore a jester’s hat, I think. I used him to make my brother laugh for the first time. Then I had Maple the bunny. She was the most beautiful bunny, until we put her in the wash and then the dryer. Now, I have my fox. It doesn’t have a name, it’s just my fox. I’m sorry to say that my fox went in the dryer, too. My mom told me it would be okay, and it wasn’t. It’s fur is all messed up, but it’s still cute and I love it. Makes me wish I had kept Maple the bunny. And yeah, I sleep with my fox most nights.

35: do you like stationery and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

Ughhhh yeah my favorite is designer notebooks that are all pretty. Blank paper is enticing to me. I used to really like pencils that were colorful or had designs on them, too, but I’ve actually made the switch to pens now. I never thought I would switch to pens because I make so many mistakes, or I used to. I prefer my pens to be comfy and write nicely, rather than to look good. Pencils that write nice and dark are very important to me. But yeah I love stationery, and I always have to visit the stationery aisle whenever I go to the drugstore.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

So lately, I think my mood has been sort of like Norah Jones or Corinne Bailey Rae. Kinda soft and sad, but nice. At least, that’s how I want my mood to be. Less the sad part though, just kinda soft and nice. Tryin not to stress out over finals.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

Definitely messy, but an organized messy. I want to know where everything is, and I want to be able to function and move around in the room, but I love having little figurines and papers all over my desk and stuff.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

Well, as an English major, I have many grammar pet peeves. I hate it when people put recyclables in the trash. I dunno what else…

39: what color do you wear the most?

I wear a lot of blue because it looks good on me. Matches my eyes. I am gaining an increasing number of maroon-/burgundy-colored clothes. I don’t like to wear gray clothes.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

I don’t wear jewelry. Let me tell you about my Two Cats On a Couch instead. They’re made of painted wood; two cats, one striped, and one in some kind of clothing. They are on a red couch with white dots and yellow flowers. The cat in the clothes is me, and the other cat is someone to talk to. My mom found the cats at a thrift store and said she got them for me because she wanted me to always have someone to talk to. They were the last gift I ever received from her, as she gave them to me shortly before she passed away.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

One of the last books I remember liking a lot is The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart. I read it about four years ago, and it was meant for a younger age group than mine even back then, but I remember it really resonating with me. It also totally hyped me up for a good test experience when I was about to take the SAT, because I read about the kids taking the test in the book right before I went to take the SAT, and it made me excited to rock a test.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

I wish I had a favorite shop, but I don’t get out much and I usually take things to go places. There are several coffee shops in the area, but the independent ones are kinda new and kinda less comfy, and more minimalist, at least from what I’ve noticed. I can tell you about Norm’s, though, because I could definitely say that it’s a favorite spot of mine. My larp club at college, AOKP, goes to Norm’s every other Thursday or so. We have this big table in the corner that we usually sit at. I steal crayons from the basket on the front counter. My friend once left a big pile of sand in the bathroom because she didn’t clean herself off before we left the beach. I’d say that Norm’s has become a special place for me.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

Alice, this one is you! The last time I really watched the stars, alone or not, was when we went to the beach to watch the sunrise. That was a good time.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

Thanksgiving break was emotionally rough for me, but there was one afternoon when everything seemed really pretty, and the sun was real good, and all the plants were good, almost like they were giving off a vibe, and I just sat outside for maybe an hour and wrote in my journal, and started to feel really calm and good. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about, I’d have to check in my journal. That time just felt really good, from what I remember.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

I would say that I do try to intuit a lot of things, but I maybe have a hard time trusting myself or what I’m feeling. I’m trying to learn to recognize when I’m ignoring a feeling that is telling me to do or not to do something.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

I like this joke, cuz English: A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

I don’t think people should be eating balut (duck embryos), and I’m pretty sure the smell alone of coconut shrimp has the power to make me throw up in an instant.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

I think it is the same. I just kinda always am afraid of, instead of a comfy life, being alone and not having money or food and not being okay. Especially the alone part.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I really don’t buy or even use CDs anymore, since I was little. We didn’t have internet in the house when I was a kid, so all the music we listened to, we played on a boombox. It could do CDs and tapes. My mom had a small collection, and we rented a bunch of stuff from the public library. The sound on the boombox got messed up eventually, and by that time I had access to the internet, so now it’s streaming and Youtube.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

I have a collection from, like, late elementary and middle school, of pencils that I used until they got really heckin small. I’m talking, you can barely write with the dang thing. One of these pencils is a colored pencil that is one of the best shades of my favorite color (neon orange) that I’ve ever seen.

#ask

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iphisquandary · 7 years

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i forgot to tell everyone but i had my first day of substitute teaching on friday and this is what happened

i bought new shoes for more support the day before but they wound up making my feet hurt that day more bc they didn’t fit right so i didnt wear them to subbing and wound up wearing tennis shoes - no one cared tho

i got two hours of sleep the night b4 due to nerves

i woke up at 6 AM

it was raining and i had no umbrella so i had to take an uber there

when i got there the teacher’s instructions were confusing AF and there were tons of piles of handouts everywhere and i had no idea what to do

on the verge of panicking i sought help from the sub supervisor lady in the office and she was super helpful

the rally i was looking forward to was cancelled

i messed up a bit in period 1 with the handouts + schedule but the students were actually helpful and stuff about it so it went ok

the subsequent periods went a lot easier bc it was all the same class

the kids were really well behaved? independent workers?

i was also able to sit most of the time bc i just had to pass out handouts and they spent the whole class writing a short essay based on a prompt - i was worried about that bc of my disabilities + foot issues

there was a student teacher who showed up out of the blue and who i was immediately charmed by as he turned on the healthcare debates and had super good rapport with his students until...

he revealed himself to be a republican lol

i felt super awkward too bc i had no idea this guy was coming in and sat there awkwardly for a period not knowing what to do lmao

and i was really stressed watching these congressmen wrangle about my health insurance and republicans straight up LIE

made the mistake of leaving campus on my break to go get an umbrella and a chai latte for caffeine which resulted in me getting rained on and spilling chai on my coat and getting stressed out

left. the fucking. classroom. door. unlocked. came. back. to. discover. students. had let. themselves in. for fucking. lunch break.

didn’t say shit to those students bc the last thing i needed was to piss them off and get in trouble if they ratted on me so i just like...sat at the teacher’s desk trying not to panic or feel like i was shit at my job

i managed to calm myself down realizing legit nothing of value is in that classroom anyway - like there r only office supplies and books in there

that was like the low to the day, everything ran pretty smoothly after that

when i told coworkers (NEVER THE STUDENTS LMAO) that it was my first day ever subbing they were all like “OMG WOW??” and would be all “this is this sub’s first day!” in this proud/awed/pleased voice lmao

students would randomly come in to deliver shit to me and it was so confusing. at one point i may have ruined a student’s life by failing to deliver him a message on a slip of paper that said it was his last chance to register for classes or else he won’t get to choose but i didn’t realize that was the message until the end of the day bc it was on scrap paper + the other side of the paper looked like a msg for the teacher

i tried to be a fun teacher and connect with students toward the end bc the student teacher told me period five were friendly and i felt more confident and stuff but they were just awkward and non-responsive when i tried to engage with them about the prompt like “this is easy last yr stuff we dont need ur help” like ok then

took that less personally when i realized everyone was prolly just bummed the rally was canceled

there were two trouble makers in the last class of the day and i warned them i would write their names down if they kept up their brattiness and they kept up their brattiness so i wrote down their names lol i was kind of amused by them though + it was the only behavioral issue

ran into one of the students i tutor after school in the hallway he was so fucking SHOCKED to see me there like he was staring at me like i was a fucking GHOST i tried to make this joke about it but it went over his head bc he was so shocked lmao it’s like dude im not like an npc who only exists in the tutoring center lmao anyway that was entertaining.

the teacher’s lounge was. depressingly. awful. like furniture with holes and stuffing coming out. crumbs and residue left on the table. like trump saying the word “SAD” kind of sad. i vowed immediately that if i ever come into any kind of major extra money i would donate it to this school to buy better furniture for their teachers

i forgot how icky public school bathrooms are. and like how the mirrors are these scuffed up funhouse mirrors and the sinks only let you wet one hand at a time as you hold down the button with your other hand

kept getting lost in that labrinthine school and literally had to get a map. chalked this up to my ineptitude with navigation until i talked to my coworkers at my other job who were familiar w/the school and said they always got lost too (i guess that’s why they have maps in the office lol)

i had to go to work afterward and was super tired but that went ok

OVERALL: I think it went well! I want to keep subbing! I think it will get easier the more I do it, and I feel lucky I got that school as my first job bc those students were really well-behaved. I’m a bit nervous about getting a less well-behaved group in the future, though. I also wish I had gotten some of my students in the classes, but oh well. I felt more like a supervisor than anything else bc I really just had to sit there while people wrote and passed in their essays, so it was pretty easy once I got used to it.

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