#DI Tessa Burns 2

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

Only the Children by S.A. Dunphy

DI Tessa Burns #2

Wonderful addition to an excellent series ~ Can’t wait to see what happens next!

What I liked:

* The seamless transition from the first to second book

* Tessa Burns: parents murdered when she was young, spent years in the child-care system, ex-military, strong, lethal, dedicated, wise, mature, good friend, intriguing, good people skills, team player * Danny Murphy: lost his parents when young, raised in foster system, usually a gentle giant , quiet but also deadly, physically fit, caring, protective * Maggie Doolan: family liaison officer, psychology and sociology degrees, qualified therapist, has cerebral palsy, friends with Tessa since childhood * Pavlov: Maggie’s partner, support dog, a small black-and-white terrier-mix, bright, calming presence, protective

* The three children in potential peril –  really hope they land in a soft spot

* Jim Shiels: Chief Officer in Coast Guard, intelligent, attractive, divorced, attracted to Tessa, potential love interest, hope to see more of him

* Eric Stafford: fixer for big shopping company, silent but deadly, saved the day a few times, wonder if he will show up again

* Being able to hate the bad guys…and there were plenty to hate

* The plot, pacing, setting, and writing * The police procedural aspects and how the case unfolded * That I became invested in the story and cared about the outcome * The hook at the end that introduces the next book * All of it and too many things to list every one of them

What I didn’t like:

* Who and what I was meant not to like

* Thinking about the life the Merrow must have lived

Did I like this book? Yes

Would I read more in this series? Definitely

Thank you to NetGalley and Bookouture for the ARC – This is my honest review

5 Stars

BLURB

The little girl stares up at Tessa, trembling so hard her whole body shakes. Her brothers stand clutching her hands, both pale with shock. ‘They told us not to speak,’ she finally whispers. But the terror in her tear-filled eyes tells Tessa all she needs to know…

When a cargo ship runs aground off the Irish coast, the police are horrified to find the captain dead at the helm, the crew missing, and three little red-haired children, terrified but unharmed, locked in the galley kitchen. As an expert detective running a child-centred taskforce, Detective Tessa Burns is called in to lead the case. Despite Tessa’s best efforts, the children won’t reveal a thing – not even their own names. Slowly gaining their trust, Tessa uncovers a deadly secret about their past – and the mystery of their missing parents’ whereabouts – that turns everything she thought she knew on its head. But just as it seems she’s cracked the case, Tessa’s team is attacked one dark night, and the youngest boy is kidnapped yet again. It’s clear the children are still in terrible danger. And when another senseless killing sends shockwaves through her team, Tessa realises the murderer is someone much closer to home than they could have ever imagined. Will she be able to uncover the truth in time, or will it be too late for her, and, most devastating of all, for the children…? A totally unputdownable Irish police procedural with jaw-dropping twists. Perfect for fans of Patricia Gibney, Lisa Regan and Angela Marsons.

#S.A. Dunphy #DI Tessa Burns 2 #Bookouture #NetGalley #Ireland #Fiction #Whodunnit #Police Procedural #Kidnapping #Crime #Murder #trafficking

[faeryclown]

the NO-SKIP albums: a tag game 🎶💖

rules: share the albums that you can listen to nonstop. those lightning in a bottle-albums that scratch ur brain just right. every single track, an absolute banger. u could not skip one if u tried. no notes. stunning, show-stopping, immaculate. ur no-skip albums. 🔎 bonus & optional (but imo, v fun) rules: 1) add a track rec for us to listen to! AND 2) share ur favorite line(s) from that track! 👀

Thanks for tagging me @apricotdeer 🥺🤍 Sorry for taking so long. I actually couldn't decide bc I had SO MANY no-skip albums that I kept changing my mind 😭 Tagging @padawanton @highway-stars @iidsch @darkwehl if you feel like :)

🎧 album info/track recs/favorite lines under the cut

💭 Lucid Dreaming by Say Lou Lou

Fav Track: Wilder Than the Wind ↳ We'll ride the night / Every second is like I'm dying here with you

🔮 The Magic by Lola Blanc

Fav Track: The Magic ↳ But I can't find it so would you please / Enchant me? Give me a potion / For my devotion to the emotion

🪽 Saved by Now, Now

Fav Track: SGL ↳ Starry-eyed / I was young and undone / But I could have died / With you there in the sun

🌙 Threads by Now, Now

Fav Track: Prehistoric ↳ It may be different now, but the pattern won't wash out / Covers up our eyes, leaves us knots and severed ties / We follow new lines

✨ Midnight Machines by Lights

Fav Track: Follow You Down ↳ So just call me, you know I will be waiting / For you as you walk towards that redemption sound / You know I'll be the stillness when you're shaking / And when you fall overboard, I'll follow you down

💗 Love & Desire by MYZICA

Fav Track: Endless Love ↳ Run with me following the stars above / Running free forever in an endless love / Run with me

🍒 Summertime by Luna Shadows

Fav Track: Cherry ↳ 'Cause darling if you call me, I’ll come running / Just let me turn out all the lights in the dead of night / 'Cause I'm, I'm your lovely / Burning for my turn to be your one and your only / Ready for your eyes, sweet on the inside by your summertime

💀 We Don't Stop by Aly & AJ

Fav Track: Good Love ↳ So I keep waiting to touch somebody / Keep you closer on my body / To love somebody /To kiss somebody

💫 MY GOD! by Tessa Violet

Fav Track: song without a title ↳ Left my love in idle, song without a title (Here I go again, take it back what I said) / It's not love (Again, again, again) / (Never gonna play with fire) / It's just what you get (My god, my god) / Tell myself I hate you, tell myself we're made to (All my love) / Fall in love and fall apart (My god, my god)

#tag meme #whee! #for the record i was PLAGUED with indecision at every turn #birds words #bird's eye queue

[bookaddict05]

Mystery man - pt 2

"I... cant... breath..." I say coming to a holt in the middle of the gym after running 20 laps.

Collapsing to the floor Barnes chuckles to himself. "It wasn't that hard" he says continuing to chuckle.

"Yeah thats easy enough for you to say you have the super soldier serum running through your veins" I retorted back.

"..."

Silence hums through the air between the both of us.

"Well we are done for the day, you can go and do whatever u have planned to do" he walks away from me leaving me sitting in the middle of this gigantic room all alone. Its actually quite peaceful.

~2 hours later~

As im getting out of the shower i hear something get slid under my door. I walk over to see an envelope with my name on. The letter was sealed shut with a wax stamp, so fancy. I throw on a jumper and joggers and run through the bathroon knocking on tessa's ajoining door.

"COME IN" I hear them shout. Walking in tessa is holding the same letter as i am. Shrugging our shoulders we both open the letters simultaneously, like we are sharing the same brain cell.

"Omg tony stark has invited us to a party tonight!" I exclaim in excitment.

"Thats so fricken cool" tessa shouts.

"I have nothing to wear" i pace back through to my room with tessa right on my heals. "I didnt think to pack any formal clothing, i never thought in my wildest dreams id be invited to one of these"

"Hey dont panic we have time it says it doesnt start till 8 anyways, its 4 now we can quickly pop out and find something and it doesnt matter if we are late to the party we will arrive fashionably late" says tessa.

"Omg tessa you are a star i dont know what i would have done without u, probably have a melt down then decide not to go and just read for the night instead" i say while chuckling.

"Yeah yeah im amazing i know, now lets get going"

~1 hour later~

We arrive back with our outfits for the night

I picked up a beautiful floor length red dress that flows so effortlessly while i walked. With a heart-shaped neckline my neck looked bare so i also picked up a necklace my mother had given to me before she died, a small golden love heart which completed the outfit in every way.

Tessa on the other hand picked out a black suit to match their goth lifestyle.

We took our time doing our make up and making ourselfs look stunning as ever.

9pm rolled around and we are already an hour late. A rush of anxiety coursed through me as we walked towards the door of the party. Taking deep breaths in to calm down. Music playing so loudly. We open the doors and the music perfectly timed it self with us playing the chorus of 'jealous' by nick jonas.

It was like something just out of a movie, just so dramatic. Walking through the doors I could feel eyes burning on us I turned to look at Tessa beside me to see that they had disappeared and saw them talking to 2 other agents. I continue to walk through the party taking in all the planning that must have went into this in such short time.

I walk over to the bar where I see Natasha serving Bruce. And sit down. "You look stunning y/n" Natasha says automatically.

"Thanks Nat, you look stunning as well" I stay with them for a while, Nat handing me a drink over, a vodka and coke. While chatting I felt as if there was a set of eyes on me from behind.

I turn around to see the metal man himself standing with Steve and Sam in a conversation, he's standing facing me eyes piercing straight into mine, I smile at him and he smiles back. Strange interaction with the metal man. I turn back around feeling my heart racing, why is he having this affect on me? no one has ever made me feel like this, not since the accident that ended my mothers life.

I got lost in a trance of thinking of my past but I was brought out of it after hearing a deep toned voice come and approach me, I turn to see a dark haired man. Muscles bulging through his black dress shirt, arm sleeves rolled up exposing his tanned muscular arms. He looks at me with deep chocolate brown eyes.

"Hey" the dark haired man said with a smile

I smile back and say hey back

He introduced himself as Eddie

He is perfect in everyway, too perfect.

"Your Y/N right ?" he asked

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

"I'm a new recruit and I've been placed into your group for practice missions"

"Wait? Edmundo?"

"Yeah"

"great to meet you, I've heard brilliant things from the S.H.I.E.L.D Academy, I hope you can live up to these expectations. If you can excuse me I need to head to the toilet and find my friend, I hope you have a great rest of your night" I say while smiling.

I excuse myself from the bar and head towards the toilets. I look at myself in the mirror, not looking physically flustered but I could feel it internally. I shove the feelings back down to where they belong and pull myself together.

I plastered a big smile across my face and went back out amongst the crowd. I walk across the room and grab Tessa. "WE ARE GOING TO DANCE" I shout over the music. I drag them to the dance floor and we cause chaos. Jumping and singing to the top of our lungs like no one was watching.

That's when we heard the initial sound, glass smashing and everything fell silent. The windows to the function room that overlooked the whole of New York fell into the room an object landing in the middle of the room. A bomb.

"RUN OR GET DOWN" I scream, everyone ran to cover but when the bomb exploded I wasn't far enough, the force from the explosion sent me flying into the wall. My head colliding with the wall first causing me to black out.

#bucky x y/n #bucky fanfic #james bucky barnes #the avengers #marvel #marvel fanfic writer #mcu #fyp #fyppage

[tmasexymanpoll]

Jordan Kennedy- former pest exterminator lit john amherst on fire was called to deal with the wasp nest in jane prentiss’ attic was the one to burn her body after she died in season 1 was being tortured in a corruption domain during the eyepocalypse got turned into a corruption avatar by jon

Tessa Winters- statement giver from season 2 episode 65 binary downloaded a computer program called ushankas_despair.exe victim of the spiral

[tutchando74]

Murder Drones ep 6

Okay, so a lot happened in this episode, likeusual, and I liked all of it, but I do have a problem with somethings. Let me talk about it.

Firstly, robot raptors with medusa powers, this is awesome and really creative. Their design is awesome, and really liked how they interacted with everyone, being fucking animals. But I do think they weren't used at their max, of course this is the problem of having just a few episodes to work with, but still.

Same problem applies to the 2 robots from down there. I think they could have an entire episode just for them, but because there's so little episodes to work with, they had to be thrown to the side. The two by themselves are really interesting, mad scientists that goed insane because of the solver and being alone with the raptors, really cool.

J, as I said, didn't really participate in this, but Tessa, oh God, Tessa. She's an awesome character. Her personality is so fun to see, her movements can be a little strange, but I don't care, her presence is enough to make me ignore that. I love Tessa, my favorite character, sorry N and Cyn.

Talking about Cyn, now we know more about the fucker. So the Absolute Solver is a decease, just like my AU, what is it's purpose is unknow, or at least I didn't get it, but it destroys planets and infects others to continue. Cyn has to be more than just a host, considering she (them? IDK) has been in 3 hosts by now. Also, NORI IS FUCKING CYN, wtf, or at least for some time Nori was Cyn, and Cyn better have taken over Nori after she had Uzi, because, if not, we can count Uzi as N's niece if you consider Cyn and N siblings. Over all, I really like this idea, there's a reason to why something similar happens in my AU.

Since I talked about N, Nuzi is more than cannon now. Twitter, sorry X, will burn now, specially if the thing of blocking accounts being deleted is real. I can feel the hatred running through my veins, and I like it.

But now it's time to talk about the last thing I want to talk about

V

SIEJHBPUSHNBPIUSENBVIDEIVSENBDILBAEPFIUBHVDPIFBGAEPIJFBIAEJFNHPGIJUAENFINHEIJUBGVAEUFHBPVUEABGUVERFVJGANHEPIUGB

she died

I hope she didn't die, I really hope she didn't. I didn't see the body, so I'm not believing until I see it. Actually, better not, I don't wanna see her dead for real.

We now know V did really know about much more, wich really makes her an asshole. Like, I get it, she's trying to protect N, but he needs to know these kind of things and be able to actually overcome this, so hiding it is only making it worse. Having said all that, I hole heartedly forgive her. Her last moments were incredible and made me genuinely tear up. Hope she didn't actualy die.

Fuck you Glitch. Fuck you Liam (Don't actualy mean it, just a joke)

I want to say more about V and how I loved the way she died, but at the same time really disagrees the way she acted to protect N, but I'll just suffer alone in my room.

#murder drones #Murder Drones ep 6 #Murder Drones episode 6

[sandersgrey]

Here me out with this theory cause I kinda goes along with your seer kit hc-

So from what little we know about kit's family history, we can deduct some facts

1) the riders were NOT responsible for the death of anyone in his family but his mom as shown in this seen where the riders say that kit looks like his mom and like auraline

They specifically compared him to only those two. So either, rosemary is secretly auraline and roland's daughter(which doesn't make any sense bc according to tessa, rosemary inherited the first heir blood from her dad) or the riders didn't kill his other ancestors

2) roland was born a few years before the events in tid

Which would mean he was born between 1867-1875. But we also know that 1936 was the last year anyone of note saw him alive, and that auraline used her magic to keep him young and alive. But he eventually died of natural causes, I'll assume maybe 20 years later

According to cat, she and him had a fight over him using magic

We also know that he and cat had a falling out sometime after he met auraline because he was using magic

Magic? What? How does he, a supposed shadowhunter/mundane descendant, have enough magic to perform shows and not tip off the downworlders on the market?

3) tobias and eva's marriage was a shock to everyone

Cat says that eva was a brave and strong woman and that tobias was kind, sweet, and loyal

She also mentioned something interesting about tobias' parents. His father was a "hard man" and his mother was "hysteric", which I do believe is olden days code for "abusive" and "mentally ill/traumatized"

4) tobias father definitely helped felix kill annabel because it literally couldn't have been anyone else

Now here's the theory part

Eva blackthorn and tobias herondale died around 1828, and I imagine were around 16-18 from what we know about shadowhunter marriages. For the sake of hypotheticals, let's say they were 16 when they got married and nearly 17 when they died

So if they were 16ish in 1828, that means they were born in 1811-1812. Annabel was born in 1793 and died in 1812

My theory is that the real reason annabel and malcolm stole the black book was so they could have a child since they were in love. And that while torturing annabel her family found out that she was pregnant, so they waited until she gave birth to kill her, and then felix and adelaide raised her as their own

Circling back to the fact that felix and tobias' father are friends, tobias' father knew eva was a half warlock and so when he found out they were having a child, he and felix had tobias sent to bavaria instead of his brother, who was said to be the best of his generation, knowing he'd die. And then they convinced the clave to burn eva and their child in his place

THAT'S how roland has magic, why roland's body was able to accept auraline's magic, and why annabel felt a motherly urge to protect ash from the clave(bc she couldn't protect her daughter)

Ik it's a stretch but at this point there are so many plot holes surrounding the lost herondales anything could be true

Im pretending i do not see it bc can you IMAGINE.

#the love of your life is directly descended from the woman who killed your twin sister wdyd #undescribed

[sunlitglycerin]

books of 2023

key:

🌔 reread

🪹 no thoughts no praise

🌊 i have to emotionally recover from this

💥 many thoughts not all praise

🌷 enjoyable

🫧 lovely

january

1. annihilation by jeff vandermeer 🌊

2. the uncoupling by meg wolitzer 🪹

3. the interestings by meg wolitzer 🌔

4. sorrow and bliss by meg mason 💥

5. the catcher in the rye by j.d. salinger  🌷

6. brown girl in the ring by nalo hopkinson 🌷

7. astrid parker doesn’t fail by ashley herring blake 🪹

february

8. little eyes by samanta schweblin 🌷

9. we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson 🫧

10. fight club by chuck palahniuk 🫧

11. salt fish girl by larissa lai 🫧

12. a visit from the goon squad by jennifer egan 🌊

13. wintergirls by laurie halse anderson 🌊

14. oryx and crake by margaret atwood 🪹

15. severance by ling ma 🌊

march

16. olga dies dreaming by xóchitl gonzález 💥

17. the hating game by sally thorne 🌊

18. second first impressions by sally thorne 🌷

19. american royals by katherine mcgee 💥

20. the worst best man by mia sosa 🌷

21. my year of rest and relaxation by ottessa moshfegh 🌔

22. the change by kirsten miller 🫧

23. sealed with a diss by lisi harrison 🌔

24. fledgling by octavia butler 💥

25. the road by cormac mccarthy 🌊

26. intimacies by katie kitamura 🫧

27. le divorce by diane johnson 🌊

april

28. it happened one summer: a novel by tessa bailey 💥

29. fifty words for rain by asha lemmie💥

30. all my puny sorrows by miriam toews 🌔

31. speak by laurie halse anderson 🌔

32. the queen’s gambit by walter tevis 🫧

33. you will know me: a novel by megan abbot 🌷

34. the virgin suicides by jeffrey eugenides 🌔

35. the boy, the mole, the fox and the horse by charlie mackery 🌊

may

36. beautiful world, where are you: a novel by sally rooney 🌷

37. conversations with friends: a novel by sally rooney 🌊

38. a tree grows in brooklyn by betty smith 🫧

39. emergency contacts by mary h.k. choi 🌔

40. i’ll give you the sun by jandy nelson 🌔

41. if i never met you: a novel by mhairi mcfarlane 🌷

42. the girls by emma cline 🌊

43. confessions of a shopaholic: a novel by sophie kinsella 💥

44. second place: a novel by rachel cusk 🌊

45. convenience store woman by sayaka murata 🌔

june

46. the black presidency: barack obama and the politics of race in america by michael eric dyson 🫧

47. i’ll be you by janelle brown 🪹

48. the best american short stories (2020) 🌊

49. crazy rich asians by kevin kwan 🌔

50. the suitors: a novel by cécile david-weill 🌷

51. monster high by lisi harrison 🌔

52. elegance by kathleen tessaro 🌔

53. monster high: the ghoul next door by lisi harrison 🌔

54. monster high: where there’s a wolf, there’s a way by lisi harrison 🌔

july

55. monster high: back and deader than ever by lisi harrison 🌔

56. thin girls by diana clarke 🌊

57. eileen by ottessa moshfegh 🌷

58. china rich girlfriend by kevin kwan 🌔

59. composing a life by mary catherine bateson 🌷

60. in every mirror she’s black by lọlá ákínmádé åkerström 🌊

61. the invasion by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

62. less by andrew sean greer 🌊

63. the visitor by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

august

64. when katie met cassidy by camille perri 🌷

65. the message by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

66. the predator by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

67. the capture by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

68. the stranger by k.a. applegate (animorphs) 🌔

69. david kibbe's metamorphosis: discover your image identity and dazzle as only you can by david kibbe (who could have guessed) 🌷

70. the most fun we ever had by claire lombardo 🌔

71. earthlings by sayaka murata 🫧

72. pageboy: a memoir by elliot page 🫧

73. diary of an oxygen thief by anonymous 🌊

74. bridget jones’s diary by helen fielding 🌷

september

75. idol, burning by rin usami 🫧

76. cleopatra and frankenstein by coco mellors 🌷

77. kitchen by banana yoshimoto 🫧

78. addiction by design by natasha dow schüll 🌊

79. the fellowship of the ring by j.r.r. tolkein 💥

80. smashed: story of a drunken girlhood by koren zailckas 🌊

october

81. american psycho by bret easton ellis 🌊

82. all the lovers in the night by mieko kawakami 🫧

83. peace, love, and baby ducks by lauren myracle 🌖

84. if i had your face by frances cha 🌊

85. milk fed by melissa broder 🪹

86. legally blonde by amanda brown 💥

november

87. seven ways we lie by riley redgate 🌖

88. even the stars look lonesome by maya angelou 🫧

89. airhead by meg cabot 🌖

90. being nikki by meg cabot 🌖

91. runaway by meg cabot 🌖

92. wuthering heights by emily brontë 🌊

93. slouching towards bethlehem by joan didion 🫧

94. the heart principle by helen hoang 💥

95. in the shape of a human body i am visiting earth, edited by ilya kaminsky, dominic luxford, and jesse nathan 🌊

96. good for you by tammara webber 🌖

97. here without you by tammara webber 🪹

december

98. breasts and eggs by mieko kawakami 🌊

99. ender’s shadow by orson scott card 🌖

100. girlfriend in a coma by douglas coupland 🌊

101. altered states by anita brookner 🌊

102. i don’t know how she does it by allison pearson 💥

103. the hunger games by suzanne collins 🌖

104. catching fire by suzanne collins 🌖

105. mockingjay by suzanne collins 🌖

#dear diary #books #february #march #january #april #may #june #or maybe we ignore june tbh #july #august #september #october #november #december

[wyluvbot]

ONE DAY LEFT UNTIL CHAIN OF THORNS!! we’ve made it this far and i have not been spoiled (thank God), so now I’m doing day before predictions 😭

DEATHS:

1. Tatiana. I will find it hilarious if Belial ends up killing her after she’s “served her purpose”, especially if it’s like a betrayal type situation? Like Belial has to choose her or James or something. Do I think this will happen? No, but it would be so funny…I could also see Jesse or Grace killing her.

2. Matthew. Okay, so I know that we’re all preparing ourselves for his death in the intermission…but I hope CC doesn’t kill him. At this point, even though his story and all that kinda points to a tragic end, it’s been expected for so long that the real plot twist would be him living. I just hope that if he dies, he’s able to go knowing that those around him love and accept him (aka he reveals his secret and isn’t treated badly for it). But he would die struggling w alcohol, and that’s so sad to me because he’s just a kid. Also what will Oscar do 💔

3. Alastair. So like…that one unidentified snippet about dying in arms? His dagger or whatever being buried? Plus that quote from Cordelia about avenging someone’s death?? I have a horrible feeling that alastair will be killed 😭 and I will literally scream because he’s one of my favorites. I’m manifesting a happy ending for him ✨✨

4. Grace or Charles. The only reason I’m putting them here, and this could work for alastair too, is redemption. Dying for your past mistakes is the saddest thing ever, and I could see Grace specifically doing something like that to make up for James and the bracelet.

5. Inquisitor Bridgestock. Idk, just putting him here for fun. We know he isn’t the best person so ??

6. James. Listen! I don’t think he’ll die, but I do think he’ll be put in a situation where he’ll be injured badly or die and be brought back, like Jace…. I live for the angst so what if Cordelia is forced to hurt him by Lilith or something? You would literally never hear from me again.

7. Sona. She better not because Elias just died, and Cordelia/alastair are not prepared or ready for raising a baby. Also, I’m not a huge baby fan so I don’t want to read about the TLH kids raising a child. Plus they won’t have time with all the Belial stuff??

General predictions:

1. Charles/Thomas/Alastair will become more complicated because Thomas will assume the other two got back together, and I’m predicting they might? Also, all three come out 🤍

2. Anna/Ariadne endgame. They’ve been through too much so Ariadne will change her name and they’ll live together happily ever after.

3. Grace/Christopher romance? They are married on the incorrect family tree which is why I put it here. Also in my rereads of CHOI I thought there was a part where Grace mentioned that she liked Christopher and was reluctant to manipulate him but that could be my own memory.

4. Matthew and Cordelia will kiss and/or start something in Paris. Cordelia won’t be in love with him, but she knows he loves her so she’ll use that to get over James.

5. Ghostwriter endgame. Everything will work out for them OR ELSE.

6. Lucie gets her marks stripped. Or Matthew will. Or maybe one will become a vampire?? Idk.

7. Lucie and Cordelia won’t be parabatai.

8. Matthew will tell his secret to his friends and family.

9. Alastair and Thomas are revealed. Hopefully they are endgame because they DESERVE HAPPINESS. OKAY CASSIE??? HAPPINESS.

10. Matthew forgives Alastair and they communicate like adults.

11. Belial is stabbed a third time and gets destroyed?? Or Jem ensures he’s gone for good?

12. The meaning of Cordelia’s globe necklace is revealed.

13. HERONDAISY ENDGAME. If they don’t put the second marriage runes and finally admit their feelings I will actually burn the book. They are made for each other.

14. Will and Tessa find out the truth of James and Cordelia’s marriage agreement.

15. Belial and Tatiana’s plans are revealed.

16. Cordelia manages to get out of her paladin oath? She might be forced to hurt someone else or herself.

17. Christopher invents Fire messages and maybe a few other things, destroying stuff along the way.

18. A TID adult dies.

19. The new shadowhunter will die or place some type of antagonistic role.

20. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.

21. Matthew and Kellington background.

22. More of Malcolm Fade and how his and Lucie’s actions bring about TDA.

23. Tessa and Belial meet.

24. True family tree is revealed.

25. More Eugenia/gang interactions (this is just a personal want)

26. More page time for Alastair and the side characters besides James and Cordelia.

27. I just want someone to get hurt and the LI will be so upset. I want the angst more than oxygen.

#chain of thorns #cassandra clare #cordelia carstairs #james herondale

[literateish]

books i’ve read in 2023

astrid parker doesn’t fail by ashley herring blake

anxious people by fredrik backman

shadow & bone by leigh bardugo

lessons in chemistry by bonnie garmus

siege & storm by leigh bardugo

red dragon by thomas harris

ruin & rising by leigh bardugo

romeo and juliet by william shakespeare

convenience store woman by sayaka murata

small things like these by claire keegan

alice’s adventures in wonderland by lewis carroll

black widow: shield’s most wanted

black widow: the name of the rose

the history of mary prince by mary prince

brighton rock by graham greene

hook, line, and sinker by tessa bailey

five survive by holly jackson

ethel and ernest by raymond briggs

the midnight library by matt haig

all of you every single one by beatrice hitchman

hamlet by william shakespeare

set on you by amy lea

if we were villains by m. l. rio

the woman in white by wilkie collins

the guernsey literary and potato peel pie society by annie barrows and mary ann shaffer

i’m glad my mom died by jennette mccurdy

the interesting narrative and other writings by olaudah equiano

vicious by v. e. schwab

confessions of an english opium eater by thomas de quincey

november 9 by colleen hoover

a thousand ships by natalie haynes

open water by caleb azumah nelson

the necessity of stars by e. catherine tobler

exes and o’s by amy lea

alice in wonderland by lewis carroll (reread)

on earth we’re briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong

the little prince by antoine de saint-exupery

the bell jar by sylvia plath

the web of black widow

black widow: deadly origin

up at the villa by w. somerset maugham

black widow: the ties that bind

black widow: i am black widow

black widow: die by the blade

the death of captain america

black widow: welcome to the game

the death of captain america 2

winter soldier: the longest winter

the death of captain america 3

winter soldier: broken arrow

winter soldier: black widow hunt

winter soldier: electric ghost

black widow: the name of the rose

frankenstein by mary shelley

black widow: kiss or kill

black widow: itsy bitsy spider

young avengers: complete collection

twelfth night by william shakespeare

romeo and juliet by william shakespeare

drunk on love by jasmine guillory

trespasses by louise kennedy

fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury

icebreaker by hannah grace

captain america: symbol of truth

captain america: sentinel of liberty

northanger abbey by jane austen

the wrongs of woman by mary wollstonecraft

the history of mary prince by mary prince

swimming in the dark by tomasz jedrowski

brokeback mountain by annie proulx

fourth wing by rebecca yarros

arthur and teddy are coming out by ryan love

black widow: the finely woven thread

black widow: the tightly tangled web

zodiac academy 1 by caroline peckham

black widow: last days

zodiac academy 2 by caroline peckham

carrie soto is back by taylor jenkins reid

zodiac academy 3 by caroline peckham

zodiac academy 4 by caroline peckham

zodiac academy 5 by caroline peckham

zodiac academy 6 by caroline peckham

athena’s child by hannah lynn

legends and lattes by travis baldtree

the burning chambers by kate mosse

jeoffrey the poets cat by oliver soden

the retreat by sarah pearse

zodiac academy 7 by caroline peckham

twisted love by ana huang

medusa by jessie burton

the housekeeper and the professor by yōko ogawa

the hike by lucy clarke

beautiful world where are you by sally rooney

fix her up by tessa bailey

love theoretically by ali hazelwood

the american roommate experiment by elena armas

hester by laurie lico albanese

the definitive black widow by stan lee

sense and sensibility by jane austen

civil war by mark millar

transcendent kingdom by yaa gyasi

hamnet by maggie o’farrell

wuthering heights by emily brönte

a room of one’s own by virginia woolf

northanger abbey by jane austen

the grasmere journals by dorothy wordsworth

things fall apart by chinua achebe

the adoption papers by jackie kay

sense and sensibility by jane austen

just like home by sarah gailey

pride and prejudice by jane austen

chéri by colette

zodiac academy 8 by caroline peckham

nervous conditions by tsitsi dangarembga

persuasion by jane austen

new animal by ella baxter

mansfield park by jane austen

the night watch by sarah waters

zong by marlene nourbese philip

chronicle of youth by vera brittain

faces in the water by janet frame

iron flame by rebecca yarros

beloved by toni morrison

fen by daisy johnson

regeneration by pat barker

#each book has a link to the review that i’ve posted about it on here! #this will be updated every time i finish a book #like i did last year #han reads books

[thanksforthedinosaur]

january 2023

1. julia wolf - gothic babe tendencies 2. upsahl - kickflip 3. stevie bill - poison 4. haven - anxiety is my boyfriend 5. holy wars - 21st century bitch 6. luna aura - bent 7. luke wild - crush 8. madisenxoxo - afterlife 9. yumi nu - illusions 10. sophie holohan - cognitive dissonance 11. ella jane - sore loser 12. ivri - no way out 13. peach fuzz - hey dood 14. olivia barton - i don't do anything 15. critter - ribbons 16. chloe lilac - taxidermy 17. phoebe go - we don't talk 18. keni - victoria drives a taxi 19. tessa rae - breakfast at noon 20. mana garden - internet girl 21. boyish - legs 22. bel - pbr 23. girlpuppy - swallow 24. housewife - stuck 25. why bonnie - 90 in november 26. blondshell - olympus 27. georgia harmer - headrush 28. air waves - the light 29. sea lemon - last year 30. babehoven - fugazi 31. rat tally - spinning wheel 32. mini trees - underwater (acoustic) 33. rachel bobbitt - bandages - demo 34. jessie murph - if i died last night 35. lauren spencer smith - fingers crossed 36. allison ponthier - chasing a feeling 37. hana eid - moonroof 38. elio - pick me - deluxe 39. carol ades - sadtown usa 40. laura elliott - better off alone 41. alomar - off the wagon 42. aoife o'donovan - age of apathy - acoustic 43. jonathan & friends - magsafe - acoustic 44. zannie - poison plant 45. sza - ghost in the machine 46. emily vaughn - tesla 47. nicole millar - nice 48. jaira burns - know me too well 49. between friends - orange juice 50. kristiane - april showers 51. paramore - the news 52. sweet pill - high hopes 53. lung leg - disco biscuit 54. the go! team - whammy-o 55. little simz - gorilla 56. phora - habitual pain 57. almondmilkhunni - miss u 58. 4s4ki - cross out 59. piri - can we 60. pinkpantheress - boy's a liar https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5MATAgwyfNi2dwXpj2lcqE?si=5a6263d998554415

#mae makes playlists

[dreamingofcrows]

Top Five Ships + Fav Ao3 Fics

My Top Five Favourite Ships + My Favourite of the their Fics I’ve found on Ao3 

in no particular order: 

1. Adam Parrish/Ronan Lynch + Man of Masks 

Man of Masks by EtoileGarden 

Rape/Non-Con, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish, Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch, Ronan Lynch, Adam Parrish, Joseph Kavinsky, Richard Gansey III, AU Aged Up, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, dubious bdsm practices, Under-negotiated Kink, D/s, the catholic church does be traumatising, Guilt Dom Ada,m adam is not the one involved in the non-con jsyk, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Not Actually Unrequited, Love, Sex, explicit - Freeform, Joseph Kavinsky is His Own Warning, People are Assholes, Anal Sex ,Fingering ,Discussion of sexual assault, role-play

I have no idea what I love so much about this fic. Probably the 10/10 pining, Adam’s quasi- nonchalance about the whole affair and Ronan healing. I also want to shoutout my own pynch fic, bc it’s also one of my favourites

2. Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck + The Face Behind the Phone 

The Face Behind the Phone by Feriku

No Archive Warnings Apply, Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, Wylan Van Eck, Jesper Fahey, Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Nina Zenik, Matthias Helvar, Jan Van Eck, Colm Fahey, Alys Van Eck, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - High School, Texting, Dyslexia, Panic Attacks, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Trust Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Jan Van Eck is awful, wesper

This fic is so good for so many reasons including but not limited to the fluff, how Wylan uses texting w/ his dyslexia, there’s no trying to ‘fix’ Wylan’s dyslexia just making accomodations for it, the mistaken/ hidden identity is *chefs kiss* and the way the author used Jan Van Eck against himself, which gave me the idea of how to stop Van Eck in my own fic

3. Magnus Bane/ Alec Lightwood + darling, your love is worth its weight in gold

darling, your love is worth its weight in gold by rebel_ren

No Archive Warnings Apply, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood, Rafael Lightwood-Bane, Max Lightwood-Bane, The Lightwood-Banes, Established Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood,  Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood,  Human AU,  Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Happy Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Married Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Parents Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood First Meet, Mundane Magnus Bane/Mundane Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Lightwood-Banes Being a Family, Cute, Max Lightwood-Bane 

just a fluffy slice of life fic, one of the best integrations of song into a fic I’ve seen 

4. Crowley/Aziraphale + Free Trial Boyfriend

Free Trial Boyfriend by angelsnuffbox

Friends to Lovers, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe – Human, Pining Crowley (Good Omens), I mean seriously crowley has it BAD, Swimmer Crowley, Demisexual Aziraphale (Good Omens), Slow Burn, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Experienced Crowley (Good Omens), Best Friends to LoversL, ove Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor ,Romcom feels, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Human AU, Getting Together  

I am an absolute slag for demisexual/asexual/ gender nonconforming Crowley/Aziraphale so I loved this au fic making that a huge part of it. Crowley as a swimmer is also great.

5. Percy Jackson/ Annabeth Chase + The Roommate Agreement 

The Roommate Agreement by Knuffled 

Friends With Benefits, Smut, Shameless Smut, Percabeth , smut, percy jackson – Freeform, Annabeth Chase – Freeform, Percy/Annabeth – Freeform, Heavy Angst, Character Death

Entirely just because I love slow burns and friends with benefits situation, the angst is real

Honourable mentions: Richard Gansey III /Blue Sargent/Henry Cheng,  Carmen Farooq-Lane/Liliana, Will Solace/Nico Di Angelo,  Magnus Chase/Alex Fierro,  Will Herondale/Tessa Gray,  Hearthstone/Blitz, Renya/Lester

#no one asked for this #and yet here it is #there is so many good pynch fics #god I could tag them for days #the one where Ronan works with K at the tattoo shop #the one where they want to adopt Opal together #the one where the gangsey thinks they're trying to set them up but they're already together #pynch is a beast of angst and I'm here for it #I also love ineffable husbands fanfic #like the one where they learn about sex together and owe each other favours #coowee #honestly I haven't read a lot of percabeth ficsin a long time #but they're good too #so many ships I want to mention #also there's not enough wesper fanfic in the world #someone get on that #fanfiction #pynch #wesper #malec #percabeth #ineffable husbands #why am I on Tumblr again #gods life is a drag

[originalwinnercheesecake]

Parabatai bond  Essay... Why they may all be destined to end

Parabatai: defined by Cassandra Clare as a rare intense where a pare of warriors connect/bond in childhood and then decide to knit their souls together so that they can always stay together and always carry a piece of the other inside them. Defined by the fandom as “ a type of (supposedly) platonic marriage”. Cassandra Clare also wants to claim it as a type of bond that is unique to the shadow world, but honestly I can name several pair of Parabatai all across different media’s. Just looking at early 2000′s children's anime and Disney esqu movies we have Ash/Pikachu, Yugi Muto/the Pharaoh, Hiccup/Toothless, Woody/Buzz, etc...

... If you share my taste in these media’s you probably noticed that of the 4 other series “Parabatai” I listed 3 out of 4 (Ash and Pikachu are still partners right?) have to split off from the other due to changes of destiny/life. This is also the case for man,y many parabatai in The Shadowhunter Chronicles. Sounding off pairs that are important enough for me to care about underneath

Jonathan Shadowhunter/David the Silent: Let’s began at the beginning. Jonathan Shadowhunter was the first ever Shadowhunter. His favorite person in the world was his companion David, who wasn’t as much of a fighter as Jonathan but was very smart and very good at keeping Jonathan grounded when necessary. After being traumatized by a greater demon when fighting alone one da, David gave up fighting (and speaking), and became the first ever silent brother. The story said this broke their bond and broke Jonathan down to tears. I am sure David still loved him though. David could have chosen to go back to being a mundane but instead chose to undergo the rituals to turn himself into a silent brother. David was never that into fighting/war. Everything he did he did out of love for Johnathan. When David was no longer able to be there for Jonathan as a solider, he found a new way as a Silent Brother.

Robert Lightwood/ Michael Wayland: Parabatai and joined at the hip as teenagers. When Michael confessed to having romantic feelings towards Robert confusion as to his own feelings and fears surrounded by change drove Robert to reject Michael in a cruel and harsh way. Their bond is officially severed after the uprising when Michael die,s and Robert is exiled. Decades later Robert still regards hurting Michael as the biggest mistake in his life, the persist moment when he lost faith in himself. It is only after he confesses to his oldest child what he did and how it still haunts him all these years, only after he is finally able to acknowledge within himself the importance of the memories he has of Michael, that Robert is able to finally turn his life around for the better.

Valentine Morgenstern/ Lucian Greymark: Parabatai while studying at the academy, and for a few years afterwards. When Luke started to doubt Valentine’s plans, Valentine took him to be ambushed by a pack of feral werewolves hoping Luke would be killed instead Luke was turned. After this Valentine and Luke became bitter enemy's. These two men who once had so much love for the other, now swore to destroy any plan the other had and would fight with the intent to kill upon seeing he other. Despite all this bad blood, both still loved the memories of who the other used to be, and it is implied that a lot of their hatred for who the other is now is born from grief over they Parabatai they lost.

William Herondale/James Carstairs: CC’s closest Parabatai pair. Both Will and Jem had their whole lives shattered by demons when they were just children, and afterwards questioned at times if it was still really had much of a reason to carry on. Then they met each other and decided that they had to carry on because they loved the other to much to leave them alone. These two are in a way echo’s of Jonathan and David, and like David Jem joins the brotherhood when it is no longer possible for him to stay with Will and Tessa as a shadowhunter. They lose the bonds, but keep their love for each other. Will calls silent city on a daily basis with some excuse for needing Brother Zachariah, and Jem faithfully answers every call.

Julian Backthorn/Emma Carstairs: Fall in love, turn into Giant “true Shadowhunters”. Their bond is severed when their runes are burned off by heavenly fire coursing though their veins. By this time though their relationship had already changed from a platonic one to a romantic one.

James Herondale/ Matthew Fairchild: The two that unquestionably love each other, but do not always love the others choices. As Parabatai they try to reach out to the other and help them. But both boys deal with so much and have trouble recognizing/excepting help when it when offered. Matthew is more aware of James issues than James is of Mathews, All though by the end of Chain of Iron even Matthew is at lose to understand James. James for his part only just starts to realize how sick Matthew may be. There are a lot of theories floating around that Matthew may being to sick to function as/ protect himself as a shadowhunter. With so much to recover from will their Parabatai bond last, or are they destined to seperate?

Cordelia Carstairs/ Lucie Herondale: The will they-won’t they pair. They have planed o one day become Parabatai since they were little girls, but have never gotten around to it. They are both nearly adults now and the story already seems to be puling them in opposite direction, so a lot of people now doubt that they will even make it to the ceremony. 

Jace Herondale/ Alexander Lightwood: CC’ first pair of Parabatai, and so far the only pair to keep their bond for the whole series. Like seriously even when Jace died, he came back with the bond intact and Alec reporting that he only felt a little off for a few minutes. CC’s newest reasoning behind that is that there is apparently a delay time between one parabatai dying and the bond severing, and Jace came back before his and Alec’s had time to do more than fray at the edges. So that means that our boys stayed tethered together even when Jace was on his way to the afterlife. WOW (keep this reason CC, it actually kinda works). Jace and Alec’s bond has lasted the longest, but we still have 4 more books where something bad can happen to one of them, and they are now fighting in 2 wars at once.

Clary Fairchild/ SImon Lovelace: became Parabatai in between series, after both failing as a couple, and Simon going through multiple species changes. They are still parabatai in the most recent book but, like with Jace and Alec, we still have 4 future books that could change in. Clary, Jace, and Simon are CC’s three original main characters. She claims that the plan is to wrap up the Shadowhunter Chronicles for good in The Wicked Powers. What is the likelihood that she will leave all three of her original mains alive. I mean Clary already had a vision where “a version of herself” died, and Simon was originally supposed to die in COHF, but CC’s friends begged her to let him live.

 While CC claims that Parabatai are rare in her universe, what seems to actually be rare is Parabatai staying bonded throughout the pairs lives. Why is that? Well lets remember that one of the rules for Parabatai is that they must meet and be bonded during childhood, Once they become adults they are no longer eligible. A fact of growing up is that lives and people change: We make friends, we love our friends,are there for them while we can be, and yet sometimes as we grow friends part ways. People die, they move away, or just grow apart. Memories of old friends and places we all used to hang out become beloved memories of being younger. During a time in our lives when we felt more innocent and care free. A time that sadly never lasts. In conclusion to why parabatai bonds tend to break parabatai could represent the close bonds of childhood, the friends who helped you grow into an adult, and some one who you are able to treasure your memories of as an adult, even if, due to circumstance, you no longer see that person as much or at all. Value your parabatai because you don’t know how long you will actually have them

#the shadowhunter chronicles #TSC #TMI #TID #TDA #TEC #TLH #Parabatai #Parabatai bonds #Johnathan Shadowhunter #David the Silent #Robert LIghtwood #Michael wayland #valentine morgenstern #lucian graymark #Luke Garroway #Alec lightwood #ALexander Lightwood #Jace Herondale #Jace Lightwood Herondale #Jace wayand #JACE HAS TOO MANY LAST NAMES #Clary Fairchild #Clary Fray #Simon Lewis #simon lovelace #James Herondale #Matthew Fairchild #Codelia Carstairs #Lucie HErondale

[xmanicpanicx]

Mammoth List of Feminist/Girl Power Books (200 + Books)

Lists of Real, Amazing Women Throughout History

Bad Girls Throughout History: 100 Remarkable Women Who Changed the World by Ann Shen

Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls by Elena Favilli & Francesca Cavallo

Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls 2 by Elena Favilli & Francesca Cavallo

Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls: 100 Immigrant Women Who Changed the World by Elena Favilli & Francesca Cavallo

Brazen: Rebel Ladies Who Rocked the World by Pénélope Bagieu, Montana Kane (Translator)

Rejected Princesses: Tales of History's Boldest Heroines, Hellions, and Heretics by Jason Porath

Tough Mothers: Amazing Stories of History’s Mightiest Matriarchs by Jason Porath

Women in Science: 50 Fearless Pioneers Who Changed the World by Rachel Ignotofsky

Bygone Badass Broads: 52 Forgotten Women Who Changed the World by Mackenzi Lee

Wonder Women: 25 Innovators, Inventors, and Trailblazers Who Changed History by Sam Maggs

The Little Book of Feminist Saints by Julia Pierpont

Rad Women Worldwide: Artists and Athletes, Pirates and Punks, and Other Revolutionaries Who Shaped History by Kate Schatz

Warrior Women: 3000 Years of Courage and Heroism by Robin Cross & Rosalind Miles

Women Who Dared: 52 Stories of Fearless Daredevils, Adventurers, and Rebels by Linda Skeers & Livi Gosling 

100 Nasty Women of History by Hannah Jewell

The Warrior Queens by Antonia Fraser

Sea Queens: Women Pirates Around the World by Jane Yolen

The Book of Gutsy Women: Favorite Stories of Courage and Resilience by Hillary Rodham Clinton & Chelsea Clinton 

Fight Like a Girl: 50 Feminists Who Changed the World by Laura Barcella

Samurai Women 1184–1877 by Stephen Turnbull

A Black Woman Did That by Malaika Adero

Tales from Behind the Window by Edanur Kuntman

Amazons, Abolitionists, and Activists: A Graphic History of Women's Fight for Their Rights by Mikki Kendall

Witches and Pagans: Women in European Folk Religion, 700-1100 by Max Dashu

Mad and Bad: Real Heroines of the Regency by Bea Koch

Modern HERstory: Stories of Women and Nonbinary People Rewriting History by Blair Imani

Individual and Group Portraits of Real, Amazing Women Throughout History

Alice Paul and the Fight for Women's Rights: From the Vote to the Equal Rights Amendment by Deborah Kops

Vanguard: How Black Women Broke Barriers, Won the Vote, and Insisted on Equality for All by Martha S. Jones

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: A Life by Jane Sherron De Hart

The Firebrand and the First Lady: Portrait of a Friendship: Pauli Murray, Eleanor Roosevelt, and the Struggle for Social Justice by Patricia Bell-Scott

I Am Malala: The Story of the Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban by Malala Yousafzai, Christina Lamb

Life Undercover: Coming of Age in the CIA by Amaryllis Fox

Native Country of the Heart: A Memoir by Cherríe L. Moraga

The Soul of a Woman by Isabel Allende

Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly

Ashley's War: The Untold Story of a Team of Women Soldiers on the Special Ops Battlefield by Gayle Tzemach Lemmon

Alice Diamond and the Forty Elephants: The Female Gang That Terrorised London by Brian McDonald

Women Against the Raj: The Rani of Jhansi Regiment by Joyce Chapman Lebra

Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrrl Revolution by Sara Marcus

The Amazons: Lives and Legends of Warrior Women Across the Ancient World by Adrienne Mayor

Rise of the Rocket Girls: The Women Who Propelled Us, from Missiles to the Moon to Mars by Nathalia Holt

The Women of WWII (Non-Fiction)

Women Heroes of World War II: 26 Stories of Espionage, Sabotage, Resistance, and Rescue by Kathryn J. Atwood

Skyward: The Story of Female Pilots in WWII by Sally Deng

The Women with Silver Wings: The Inspiring True Story of the Women Airforce Service Pilots of World War II by Katherine Sharp Landdeck

The Unwomanly Face of War: An Oral History of Women in World War II by Svetlana Alexievich, Richard Pevear (Translation), Larissa Volokhonsky (Translation)

Les Parisiennes: How the Women of Paris Lived, Loved, and Died Under Nazi Occupation by Anne Sebba

To Serve My Country, to Serve My Race: The Story of the Only African-American Wacs Stationed Overseas During World War II by Brenda L. Moore

Standing Up Against Hate: How Black Women in the Army Helped Change the Course of WWII by Mary Cronk Farrell

Sisters and Spies: The True Story of WWII Special Agents Eileen and Jacqueline Nearne by Susan Ottaway

A Woman of No Importance: The Untold Story of the American Spy Who Helped Win World War II by Sonia Purnell

The White Mouse by Nancy Wake

Code Name Hélène by Ariel Lawhon

Code Girls: The Untold Story of the American Women Code Breakers Who Helped Win World War II by Liza Mundy

Tomorrow to be Brave: A Memoir of the Only Woman Ever to Serve in the French Foreign Legion by Susan Travers & Wendy Holden

Pure Grit: How WWII Nurses in the Pacific Survived Combat and Prison Camp by Mary Cronk Farrell

Sisterhood of Spies by Elizabeth P. McIntosh

Spy Princess: The Life of Noor Inayat Khan by Shrabani Basu

Women in the Holocaust by Dalia Ofer

The Light of Days: The Untold Story of Women Resistance Fighters in Hitler's Ghettos by Judy Batalion

Night Witches: The Untold Story of Soviet Women in Combat by Bruce Myles

The Soviet Night Witches: Brave Women Bomber Pilots of World War II by Pamela Jain Dell

A Thousand Sisters: The Heroic Airwomen of the Soviet Union in World War II by Elizabeth Wein

A Dance with Death: Soviet Airwomen in World War II by Anne Noggle

Avenging Angels: The Young Women of the Soviet Union's WWII Sniper Corps by Lyuba Vinogradova

The Women of WWII (Fiction)

Among the Red Stars by Gwen C. Katz

Night Witches by Kathryn Lasky

Night Witches by Mirren Hogan

Night Witch by S.J. McCormack

Flygirl by Sherri L. Smith

Daughters of the Night Sky by Aimie K. Runyan

The Lost Girls of Paris by Pam Jenoff

Code Name Verity series by Elizabeth Wein

Front Lines trilogy by Michael Grant

The Alice Network by Kate Quinn

All-Girl Teams (Fiction)

The Seafire trilogy by Natalie C. Parker

Elysium Girls by Kate Pentecost

The Good Luck Girls by Charlotte Nicole Davis

The Effigies trilogy by Sarah Raughley

Guardians of the Dawn series by S. Jae-Jones

Wolf-Light by Yaba Badoe

Undead Girl Gang by Lily Anderson

Burned and Buried by Nino Cipri

This Is What It Feels Like by Rebecca Barrow

The Wild Ones: A Broken Anthem for a Girl Nation by Nafiza Azad

We Rule the Night by Claire Eliza Bartlett

Tigers, Not Daughters by Samantha Mabry

The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion by Fannie Flagg

Saving CeeCee Honeycutt by Beth Hoffman

Bad Girls Never Say Die by Jennifer Mathieu

The Secret Life of Prince Charming by Deb Caletti

Kamikaze Girls by Novala Takemoto, Akemi Wegmüller (Translator)

The Island of Sea Women by Lisa See

The Passion of Dolssa by Julie Berry

The Scapegracers by Hannah Abigail Clarke

Sisters in Sanity by Gayle Forman

The Scandalous Sisterhood of Prickwillow Place by Julie Berry

The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires by Grady Hendrix

The Lost Girls by Sonia Hartl

Hell's Belles series by Sarah MacLean

Jackdaws by Ken Follett

The Farmerettes by Gisela Tobien Sherman

A Sisterhood of Secret Ambitions by Sheena Boekweg

Feminist Retellings

Stepsister by Jennifer Donnelly

Poisoned by Jennifer Donnelly

Girls Made of Snow and Glass by Melissa Bashardoust

The Girl Who Fell Beneath The Sea by Axie Oh

Kissing the Witch: Old Tales in New Skins by Emma Donoghue

Doomed by Laura Pohl

The Seventh Bride by T. Kingfisher

The Boneless Mercies by April Genevieve Tucholke

Seven Endless Forests by April Genevieve Tucholke

The Queens of Innis Lear by Tessa Gratton

A Thousand Nights by E.K. Johnston

Kate Crackernuts by Katharine M. Briggs

Legendborn series by Tracy Deonn

One for All by Lillie Lainoff

Feminist Dystopian and Horror Fiction

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

The Grace Year by Kim Liggett

Sawkill Girls by Claire Legrand

Godshot by Chelsea Bieker

Women and Girls in Comedy 

Crying Laughing by Lance Rubin

Stand Up, Yumi Chung by Jessica Kim

This Will Be Funny Someday by Katie Henry

Unscripted by Nicole Kronzer

Pretty Funny for a Girl by Rebecca Elliot

Bossypants by Tina Fey

We Killed: The Rise of Women in American Comedy by Yael Kohen

The Girl in the Show: Three Generations of Comedy, Culture, and Feminism by Anna Fields

Trans Women

Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More by Janet Mock

Nemesis series by April Daniels

American Transgirl by Faith DaBrooke

Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock's Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout by Laura Jane Grace

A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett

Gracefully Grayson by Ami Polonsky

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars by Kai Cheng Thom

Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family by Amy Ellis Nutt

George by Alex Gino

The Witch Boy series by Molly Ostertag

Uncomfortable Labels: My Life as a Gay Autistic Trans Woman by Laura Kate Dale

She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan

An Anthology of Fiction by Trans Women of Color by Ellyn Peña

Wandering Son by Takako Shimura

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg

Feminist Poetry

Women Are Some Kind of Magic trilogy by Amanda Lovelace

Wild Embers: Poems of Rebellion, Fire and Beauty by Nikita Gill

Fierce Fairytales: Poems and Stories to Stir Your Soul by Nikita Gill

Great Goddesses: Life Lessons from Myths and Monsters by Nikita Gill

The Girl and the Goddess by Nikita Gill

A Bound Woman Is a Dangerous Thing: The Incarceration of African American Women from Harriet Tubman to Sandra Bland by DaMaris B. Hill

Feminist Philosophy and Facts

The Creation of Patriarchy by Gerda Lerner

The Creation of Feminist Consciousness: From the Middle Ages to Eighteen-Seventy by Gerda Lerner

Misogyny: The World's Oldest Prejudice by Jack Holland

White Tears/Brown Scars: How White Feminism Betrays Women of Color by Ruby Hamad

We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Colonize This!: Young Women of Color on Today's Feminism by Bushra Rehman

Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics by bell hooks

Here We Are: Feminism for the Real World by Kelly Jensen

The Equality Illusion by Kat Banyard

White Feminism: From the Suffragettes to Influencers and Who They Leave Behind by Koa Beck

Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates

I Have the Right To by Chessy Prout & Jenn Abelson

Feminism and Nationalism in the Third World by Kumari Jayawardena

The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir

How to Suppress Women's Writing by Joanna Russ

Invisible No More: Police Violence Against Black Women and Women of Color by Andrea Ritchie

Ain't I a Woman: Black Women and Feminism by bell hooks

Black Feminist Thought: Knowledge, Consciousness, and the Politics of Empowerment by Patricia Hill Collins

But Some of Us Are Brave: All the Women Are White, All the Blacks Are Men: Black Women's Studies by Akasha Gloria Hull, Patricia Bell-Scott, Barbara Smith Women, Race, and Class by Angela Y. Davis This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color by Cherríe L. Moraga, Gloria E. Anzaldúa

Half the Sky: Turning Oppression Into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristof & Sheryl WuDinn

Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches by Audre Lorde

Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay

Difficult Women by Roxane Gay

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay

Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture by Roxane Gay

This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color by by Cherríe Moraga & Gloria Anzaldúa

Power Shift: The Longest Revolution by Sally Armstrong

Eloquent Rage: A Black Feminist Discovers Her Superpower by Brittney Cooper

Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot by Mikki Kendall

Had It Coming: What's Fair in the Age of #MeToo? by Robyn Doolittle

She Said: Breaking the Sexual Harassment Story that Helped Ignite a Movement by Jody Kantor & Megan Twohey

#Notyourprincess: Voices of Native American Women by Lisa Charleyboy

Girl Rising: Changing the World One Girl at a Time by Tanya Lee Stone

Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity, Patriarchy, and the Fear of Female Power by Sady Doyle

Sisterhood is Powerful: An Anthology of Writings from the Women's Liberation Movement by Robin Morgan (Editor)

Girls Make Media by Mary Celeste Kearney

Rock She Wrote: Women Write about Rock, Pop, and Rap by Evelyn McDonnell (Editor)

You Play the Girl: And Other Vexing Stories That Tell Women Who They Are by Carina Chocano

Things We Didn't Talk About When I Was a Girl: A Memoir by Jeannie Vanasco

The Portable Nineteenth-Century African American Women Writers by Henry Louis Gates Jr. (Editor), Hollis Robbins (Editor)

Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman by Lindy West

A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf

Believe Me: How Trusting Women Can Change the World by Jessica Valenti and Jaclyn Friedman Bread Out of Stone: Recollections, Sex, Recognitions, Race, Dreaming, Politics by Dionne Brand

Other General Girl Power/Feminist Awesomeness

The Edge of Anything by Nora Shalaway Carpenter

Kat and Meg Conquer the World by Anna Priemaza

Talk Before Sleep by Elizabeth Berg

The Female of the Species by Mandy McGinnis

Pulp by Robin Talley

Juliet Takes a Breath by Gabby Rivera

How to Save a Life by Sara Zarr

That Summer by Sarah Dessen

Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen

Honey, Baby, Sweetheart by Deb Caletti

The Girl With the Louding Voice by Abi Daré

Mrs. Everything by Jennifer Weiner

Beauty Queens by Libba Bray

Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

American Girls by Alison Umminger

Don't Think Twice by Ruth Pennebaker

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

In Love & Trouble: Stories of Black Women by Alice Walker

You Can't Keep a Good Woman Down: Stories by Alice Walker

Wonder Woman: Warbringer by Leigh Bardugo

Sula by Toni Morrison

Rose Sees Red by Cecil Castellucci

A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik

Moxie by Jennifer Mathieu

Rules for Being a Girl by Candace Bushnell & Katie Cotugno

None of the Above by I.W. Gregorio

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Orlando by Virginia Woolf

Everything Must Go by Jenny Fran Davis

The House on Olive Street by Robyn Carr

Orange Is the New Black by Piper Kerman

Queens of Geek by Jen Wilde

Lady Luck's Map of Vegas by Barbara Samuel 

Fan the Fame by Anna Priemaza

Puddin' by Julie Murphy

A Heart in a Body in the World by Deb Caletti

Gravity Brings Me Down by Natale Ghent

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

The Summer of Impossibilities by Rachael Allen

The Dead Girls of Hysteria Hall by Katie Alender

Don't Tell a Soul by Kirsten Miller

After the Ink Dries by Cassie Gustafson Girl, Unframed by Deb Caletti

We Are the Ashes, We Are the Fire by Joy McCullough 

Maybe He Just Likes You by Barbara Dee

Things a Bright Girl Can Do by Sally Nicholls

The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks by E. Lockhart

Uprising by Margaret Peterson Haddix

The Cure for Dreaming by Cat Winters

Dress Coded by Carrie Firestone

The Prettiest by Brigit Young

Don't Judge Me by Lisa Schroeder

The Roommate by Rosie Danan

Tomboy: A Graphic Memoir by Liz Prince

Surpassing the Love of Men: Romantic Friendship and Love Between Women from the Renaissance to the Present by Lillian Faderman

All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation by Rebecca Traister

Paper Girls comic series by Brian K. Vaughan

Heavy Vinyl comic series by Carly Usdin

Please feel free to reblog with more!

#book list #feminism #girl power

[shadowhuntertrash]

This isn't requested but I've been working on it it for a while and I finally finished so voilà!

5 times Kit had a panic attack and the 1 time Ty was there.

1. Jem

Kit wasn’t aware of how he got up on the roof of Cirenworth Hall. All he knows is that his father died a year ago today and Jace had come trying to cheer him up but the only person he wanted to be there with him was almost three thousand miles away. 

   Kit tried to even his breaths that were coming faster than normal. Kit let out an exasperated sound and tugged on his hair. Ty would know what to do. Ty always knew what to do. Kit continued tugging painfully at his hair while trying to remember what Ty had said to do while having a panic attack.

   Thinking about Ty just made his breaths come faster. He hadn’t seen Ty in two months when he left without saying goodbye. It seemed that today was just a bad day. It had started out bad of course, with the knowledge that today was the day he saw his father killed by demons in front of him. Jace had tried talking to him but he had snapped at him and clammed up as he did with everyone he cared about. 

   When Jace had left Jem had come to sit with him and told him, in his gentle voice, that Jace had only been trying to cheer him up and he shouldn’t have yelled like that. Kit had been angry and sad and miserable and had snapped at Jem and told him he wasn’t Kit’s dad and he didn’t have any right to tell Kit what to do or what not to do. He hadn’t missed the way Jem’s face clouded with hurt before it was quickly masked. 

   He had run away as soon as he saw Jem’s reaction despite Jem calling after him. Kit had been cruel and he knew it. Why did he have to be such an awful person? Why did he mess everything up?

   That’s how he ended up on the roof. He was vaguely aware that he was crying but he didn’t care. He deserved this. He deserved the pain that came with hurting the people he loved. He deserved this for yelling at the only other living relative he had. He deserved this for hurting Jem, his gentle being, the person it was impossible to hurt. His father. He deserved this for his blood father, who he could never impress, who was never there for him. He deserved his father’s hate though, how could he not?

   He deserved it most of all for Ty. He deserved the pain, the tears, the agony, for what he did to Ty. He had earned Ty’s trust just to leave him when Ty needed him the most. He deserved it for leaving Ty and for breaking his promise to Livvy about being there for Ty.

  He deserved all of this. 

   He could hear footsteps on the roof and another wave of anxiety washed over him, choking him and stealing his breath. Someone sat down next to him, they didn’t touch him which Kit had to be thankful for. Instead, they sat there for a moment before softly reminding Kit to breathe. As soon as he heard the voice he realized it was Jem.

   Kit let out another pitiful sob and tensed when Jem put his hand on Kit’s knee. “Kid, son, I need you to breathe with me. Look at me and try to match my breathing okay?” Kit looked at him through blurry eyes. Jem was accentuating his breathing so that Kit could match it. 

   Kit’s breathing slowed before he was flooded with the words he had said earlier to Jem and he was losing his grip on his breathing again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He repeated breathlessly. Jem cut his rant off by saying quietly, “Kit calm down. I’m okay, you’re okay. I know you’re upset but breathe Kit. Breathe.” 

   It took about ten more minutes but Kit’s breathing eventually slowed until all that was left was the tears streaming down his face and a slight lightheaded feeling. Jem moved closer and put his arm around Kit’s shoulders, pulling him close so Kit could lean into him. 

   Kit buried his face in Jem’s chest and took a moment to appreciate Jem being there. His father had never been there when he was upset. His father had hugged him once in his entire life and it was after his mother died. He didn’t remember it well. “I’m so sorry Jem. I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t mean it.” 

   He could feel Jem sigh against him and then Jem was running his fingers through his hair. “You know, I used to know someone just like you once.” Jem said and Kit could tell by the nostalgic tone of voice that he was talking about his parabatai, Will Herondale, Kit’s ancestry from many years ago. “He thought that he hurt people, that all he did was hurt people, and he tried to distance himself from everyone who loved him because he thought those he loved got hurt.” Jem rested his chin on Kit’s head as he talked and Kit felt warmth growing in his stomach.

   “He pushed people away and was always angry. He loved harder than anyone I have ever met and protected those he loved. He believed himself cursed and when he realized he wasn’t he couldn’t believe it because the people around him did get hurt. It took him a long time to accept that it wasn’t him that was hurting them, but the things around them. Things he had no control over.”

  Jem sighed and shook his head. “I don’t think he would have ever actually believed it had it not been for Tessa and I. He was still hard on himself and he still thought that occasionally but he was better because he knew that it wasn’t his fault. The people around him getting hurt was never his fault.”

   Jem pulled away from Kit and looked him in the eye. “Kit do you understand what I’m saying?” Kit nodded his eyes burning again but this time it wasn’t sadness. It was happiness.

   Who knew, maybe Jem was right, maybe some things just can’t be helped. He knew he had a lot of things that were his fault, but that made him feel a lot lighter knowing he wasn’t to blame for everything.

   “Thanks, dad.” Kit said quietly and watched a smile grace Jem’s ageless face. Jem got up and reached a hand out to help Kit up.

“Always.”

2. Tessa

"Kit! There you are!” Tessa said rushing towards him as he walked into Cirenworth Hall. He takes in her ragged appearance. Kit felt a smirk grace his lips. “Tessa I told you I was going on duty before I left.” Tessa frowned and crossed her arms, Kit’s smile wavered slightly. “Christopher I am aware you told me, but when Jem and I called you at least six times each we were a little worried.”

   Kit frowned and pulled his phone out of his pocket. The phone screen was shattered and Kit looked at Tessa guiltily. “I’m sorry Tessa, it broke when the demon hit me.” Tessa’s face went from upset to concerned in half a second. Kit found himself smiling again at her motherly tendencies. 

   “I’m fine Tessa.” He said quietly. He still wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable calling Tessa and Jem ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ no matter how much they insisted. He felt as if he were overstepping. They had taken him in and that was quite enough he didn’t want to burden them further. Tessa smiled and brought her hand up to his chin to search his face for injuries. 

   “Are you sure?” Tessa said giving him a once over and stepped back when she deemed him uninjured. “I’m okay really. Why were you and Jem calling me?” Kit asked curiously as he took his jacket and weapons belt off. Tessa seemed to come back to her senses and nodded suddenly all business again.

   “Of course. The Blackthorns came to visit,” Tessa was still talking but Kit felt as if she had knocked the air out of him. The Blackthorns? Had come here? Had all of them come here? Was Ty here? 

   Kit was suddenly back at the lake with Ty. Begging him to stop, telling Ty that he could help him, confessing his love for Ty only for Ty to reject him. Ty saying that there was nothing for him there now that Livvy was gone. 

   Kit felt the earth shift below him and he stumbled. Someone caught his arm and a soft voice was saying something calmly. He couldn’t focus. All that was going through his mind was Ty  Ty Ty Ty.

   Tessa’s voice fluttered into his thoughts. She had a way to puncture anything to make herself heard. “Kit you’re okay. Hey, listen to my voice it’s okay. You’re here with me, Tessa, you’re safe. Kit it’s okay.” Kit tightened his hold on Tessa’s hand.

   He was okay. No one was here. Ty wasn’t here. It was just him and Tessa. Just Tessa. He felt his knees give out and Tessa sank down with him, she gathered him in her arms and held him tightly. She started humming softly, he vaguely felt the vibrations against his head. 

   There was nothing wrong. He was okay. He didn’t need to freak out. He was safe in Tessa’s arms. She was safe. Kit’s breathing slowed down but Tessa continued humming. And Kit sat there leaning against her and let out a sigh. 

   “Thank you for grounding me.” Kit said when Tessa stopped humming. Tessa kissed the top of his head. “Of course darling.” Kit smiled at the endearment. “How did you know how to do that?” Kit asked quietly. Tessa ran a hand through his hair and when she spoke he could hear the smile in her voice.

   “My first song, James, used to have them a lot and when his parabatai wasn’t there I had to snap him out of it. He wouldn’t respond to anyone other than Matthew and I.” Kit took that in. The fact that she did that was kind not everyone did. 

  But that wasn’t what he was stuck on. She had called James her first son, but he knew for a fact that she only had one son. Who was she talking about then?

   “What do you mean your first son? You only had one son.” Kit says quietly, Tessa had to lean in to hear him. She pulled away from him and tilted his face up to give him a curious look. “I had only one son, but you are as much a son to me as he was Kit. You do know that right.” Kit felt himself freeze at those words. She really thought of him as her son? Not just someone she took in?

   Kit felt his eyes water and threw his arms around her neck once again. Tessa gave a startled laugh and hugged him back. “Thank you so much.” Kit said through tears. Tessa was patting his back, “Of course dear.”

3. Jace

When Kit was told he had to go stay with the Blackthorn’s for two weeks he adamantly refused. They could and would not force him to stay there. No one but the Blackthorns and him knew exactly why he couldn’t and they didn’t try to understand they just told him he had to. 

   They were going for Clary and Jace’s wedding, at first Kit had been more shocked to hear that Clary had finally accepted than the fact that he was going to see Ty and his siblings. Kit knew he would be fine because it was only two days and he could avoid Ty for that long, but that was before Tessa and Jem had told him he was going to stay with the Blackthorns while they went on a secret mission.

   They had barely gotten the words out before Kit started freaking out and refusing. Jem told him in his soft, comforting voice that he was going to have to stay with them and Mina was staying with Magnus and Alec since they had kids born within the same decade. Kit had only stopped fighting when Tessa had told him to stop in her ‘Don’t mess with me’ voice.

   Which was how he found himself now angrily and anxiously packing with shaky hands and breaths. He just had to keep it together. Maybe he could just avoid Ty, it was improbable but it could happen couldn’t it? 

   Kit throws his book angrily against the wall and his annoyance lessened slightly at the loud THUD of the book hitting the wall. His hands had been shaking too much for him to hold it. He let out a loud frustrated groan before kicking his bed. 

   He immediately regretted it when he realized he wasn’t wearing shoes. Pain shot up his foot at lightning speed and Kit lost his ability to breathe normally. He felt tears start flowing down his cheeks and yelled loudly. No one was home so he didn’t feel the need to be quiet.

   Kit falls on his bed with an aggravated scream. Why was he crying? He hated it when he got like this. He could be attacked by a demon and not break a sweat but as soon as he thinks about seeing Ty he suddenly forgets how to breathe. He hated that it had already been a year and Ty’s face still haunted his dreams.

   He hated everything about it.

   Kit’s ears rang and everything started getting dark as he cursed breathlessly. He could see his room in the LA institute and he could see Dru’s smiling face. He could see Julian looking at Emma as if she hung the world and faintly realized that that must be how he looked at Ty. He could see Christina and Mark and Kieran all smiles and blushes. He could see Ty on the beach with his headphones around his neck, his head thrown back mid-laugh. He saw how the sunset caused a halo to form around his face. He could see Livvy-

   His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a voice in his ear. “Kit, man, snap out of it. Can you hear me?” He could tell by their tone this hadn’t been the first thing they had said to him. He tried to open his mouth to say something but nothing was happening. His chest hurt as if all the air was expelled from his body. He couldn’t move and that just made his breaths come even faster.

   He felt a hand on his and a voice, now considerably more gentle, whispering. “Kit, if you can hear me can you squeeze my hand?” Kit tried to squeeze hard, tried to use the hand clasped onto his to ground himself, but he only managed to flinch. “Okay, that’s okay. Do you know where you are? You’re at home, you’re here with me, Jace, in Cirenworth Hall. Tessa and Jem are out with Mina, it's just us.” Kit’s vision slowly started coming back.

   He could just barely make out Jace’s curly golden hair. It only pushed Kit further over the edge when he realized that it was Jace. 

   Jace who was always so strong who never cried. Jace who had saved the world and was a hero. Jace who was currently watching his only living family member having a terrible panic attack. Kit scolded himself, Jace must think he was so dumb and weak. He had never met another Shadowhunter who had anxiety, sure Ty had his episodes but that was different. Kit was just messed up.

   Jace continued talking. “Buddy you have to breathe. I know it’s hard but you have to try. Can you talk?” Kit shook his head urgently. Jace put his hand on the back of Kit’s neck, it was surprisingly cold and Kit found it helped ground him. Kit’s breaths evened slightly though he was still very shaky. His eyes were darting around the room taking in everything at once.

   Jace moved his hand that was resting on Kit’s neck in favor of carding through his hair. “You’re okay. Can you tell me five things you can see?” Kit scanned the room again. “I-i see you, and m-my bed.” Jace nodded and continued running his fingers comfortingly through his hair. “That’s good three more.” 

   Kit swallowed hard and looked around the room again. “My b-books, my lamp, a-and my camera.” Jace nodded and pulled Kit closer to him Kit all but collapsed into him. “Okay now name four things you can touch.” Kit reached out his hands.

   He reached towards Jace first. “Y-you.” He stuttered somewhat hysterically, Jace nodded his approval. “My c-comforter, and my pillow.” Jace nodded again. “Is your pillow soft?” Kit ran his hands over it again and laughed. “Y-yeah. I can feel my j-jeans too.” Kit could feel his breaths slowing down.

   Jace hummed. “How about three things you can hear?” Kit sat quietly for a minute. “You.” He stated first, Jace laughed softly. “I always knew things revolved around me and here Clary was telling me they didn’t.” Kit found himself laughing, it was short but genuine. “I can h-hear the birds and the clock.” Jace raised an eyebrow and sat there listening.

  “Man I didn’t even hear the clock.” Kit smiled and shook his head. How was Jace so good at this? “You okay or do you want me to keep going?” Jace asked him, searching his face. Kit hesitated before stuttering out, “Maybe one more? I-I mean if you don’t mind. Don’t f-feel obligated I-I’m-” He was cut off by Jace’s voice.

    “What are two things you can smell?” Kit closed his eyes and sniffed. “N-Not to feed your fat ego b-but you.” Jace laughed and ruffled his hair, Kit leaned into the touch. He was hit by the smell of cookies suddenly and his eyes shot open. “Cookies? When did Tessa make cookies?” Jace burst out laughing. “Oh my god it takes you forever to snap out of panic attacks but you’re fine the moment you smell cookies?”

  Kit froze and blushed looking down at his hands which were now clenched in his lap. Jace frowned at him. “No, I wasn’t being mean I was just joking.” Kit let out a feeble laugh that sounded fake to his own ears.

   “I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m not like that all the time I promise.” Jace sighed and moved his hands to massage Kit’s shoulders gently. Kit turned to him confused, did Jace not hate him? “It’s okay Kit, we all have anxiety sometimes. Yours is just worse.” Was that true? Did other shadowhunters have anxiety? It occurred to Kit then, that Jace had known exactly what to do to help him.

   “How did you know what to do?” Kit found himself asking, cringing when it left his mouth unplanned. Jace just shook the look off. “I grew up talking Alec out of them. His parents were really hard on him so he was worse than you. He had at least three a week.” Kit looked at him confused.

   Alec had anxiety? The brave, war hero Alec Lightwood, who was now the badass married to Magnus Bane and Inquisitor had anxiety? He wasn’t weak at all though, Kit thought exasperated. 

   Jace watched him with troubled eyes before hesitantly saying, “Anxiety isn’t a weakness Kit. It’s something everyone deals with, some just show it more than others. If anything it makes you strong. Did you know people with anxiety have higher IQ’s than people who don’t? They also have a better ability to communicate with people. Anxiety isn’t a weakness Kit, it makes you strong. It makes you who you are but it doesn’t control you.” 

   Kit mulled that over in his head. Sure he was smart but he didn’t ever think it had anything to do with his anxiety. Kit shook his head but Jace shook his head right back. “No, I’m serious. No more about that matter Kit it’s fact. Do you need help packing?” Kit looked around the rooms where books and clothes were lying everywhere.

   “If you don’t mind.” He went to pick up a shirt before turning to Jace, his eyebrows knit together. “Actually why are you here? Not that I don’t appreciate it, but I was just wondering.” Jace laughed. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. I had a feeling that something like that was going to happen.” Kit blushed at having been so predictable. 

   “Yeah. Sorry about that I’m fine now though.” Jace nodded. “You want to talk about it?” Kit stopped to think before nodding slowly. “It sounds stupid but I’m just scared to see the Blackthorn’s again.” Now it was Jace’s turn to look confused. “The Blackthorns? Why?”

   Kit shook his head before closing his eyes and shrugging as if it was nothing. “I didn’t really say goodbye to them when I left. Nor did I thank them for everything they did for me.” Jace raised an eyebrow and Kit could tell from the look on his face that he knew there was more but he didn’t push it.

   “I’m sure it’ll be fine Kit. You’ll be there with Jem and Tessa.” Kit shook his head and glared at his feet. “No, I have to go stay with them while Tessa and Jem go out on a mission. I wish I could just stay with Alec and Magnus or with you.” He looked up quickly. “I know you’re going on your honeymoon though so don’t worry about that obviously.” 

   Jace looked troubled and Kit cured himself again. “We could always put it off until Jem and Tessa get back. Family should be there for each other.” This time Kit cursed aloud shaking his head. “No, seriously Jace it’s fine. I’m getting worked up over nothing. You and Clary go and have fun! Not too much fun though.” Kit says grinning suggestively. When Jace didn’t even smile he sighed and met his eyes. “Jace I promise you I’m okay. I swear on the angel.”

   Jace seemed to be comforted by that and clapped Kit’s shoulder. “Okay but you know if you send me a fire message I’ll be here as soon as I can.” Kit rolled his eyes. “I went from being alone to having an overprotective brother so fast I’m getting whiplash.” Jace threw his head back and laughed loudly. 

   It seemed everything Jace did was loud. Kit smiled at him. Jace. His family. He never thought he would get an older brother but here Jace was. Jace turned to face him again and grabbed the long-forgotten shirt off the bed before folding it. 

   “Alright let’s start packing.” 

   Kit and Jace spent two hours packing and by the time they came downstairs it was getting dark. Tessa set at the table feeding Mina while Jem was washing some dishes. Tessa looked surprised to see Jace there.

   “Hello, Jace! I didn’t know you would be stopping by! How long have you been here?” Jace smiled kindly at her before pulling some faces for Mina who was giggling like crazy. “I just stopped by to check on Kit. I’ve been helping him pack the last two hours.” Tessa nods and gives Kit a knowing look. 

   “I would hate to see the state of your room if it took the two of you two hours just to pack,” Jem said from the counter with a smirk. Kit crossed his arms defensively. “We picked it up. We were just talking, that's what took us so long.” That was a lie and they all knew it.

   Jace laughed easily before looking at the clock and grimacing. “I should probably get back. As much as I don’t want to.” He turned to Kit, “Izzy’s cooking tonight.” Kit and Jace shuddered. Izzy was a right terror in the kitchen. “She’ll have my head for missing it. It was lovely seeing you Jem and Tessa.” Jace said all smiles and charm. They smiled back and said the same.

   Jace walked up to Mina before pinching her cheeks. “I’ll see you soon Miss Mina.” Mina giggled as Jace walked out of the room. Kit followed him to the door. Jace stopped and turned back to him when Kit opened it. Jace pulled Kit into a tight hug and said quietly, “Don’t forget I’m always here. No matter what, if you need me at any time, I’m here.” 

   Kit hugged him back just as tightly muttering an almost inaudible ‘thank you’ before pulling away. Jace turned to walk away stopping to wave to Kit one last time before he disappeared into the night.

4. Dru

Kit sat on his bed in the LA Institute. He had made it through the last four days. Jace’s wedding had been amazing. He hadn’t expected anything else since Clary, Izzy, and Magnus arranged it. Everything had gone smoothly. He hadn’t had to interact with the Blackthorns. He had to see them but he had managed to avoid Ty since there had been such a big turnout. 

   It had all gone well and then he had to face the Blackthorns. It had gone better than he thought honestly. Emma and Julian were passive-aggressive, Christina was kind as she always was, Mark and Kieran didn’t acknowledge him, Ty had left already with Tavvy so he hadn’t had to face him yet. Dru however, had slapped him across the face when she saw him.

   He couldn’t blame her, he would’ve done the same thing. So he took it and smiled sadly at her trying his best not to cry and said, “I missed you.” Which had made Dru cry. She had hugged him tightly and then punched his arm hard when she pulled away.

   When they had gotten back to the Institute they had all gone their separate ways. No one bothered to show him his room in case he had forgotten over the years where it was, it was a good thing he hadn’t.

   He had tried to enter as quietly as he could, Ty’s room was opposite his and he didn’t want to bother him. He used to love the fact that it only took three steps to go from his room to Ty’s, now it just seemed as if fate was taunting him.

   Kit was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to be with someone and an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness soon crashed over him when he realized he didn’t have anyone he could go to. Kit watched as his hands moved restlessly and focused on breathing. It was helpless though as his hands started shaking uncontrollably. 

   Kit groaned and once again tried to calm himself down. “No no no no, not here. Not here.” he whispered desperately to no avail. Kit clenched his jaw and wrung his hands together. He was breathing in slowly but somehow that only made him more lightheaded. 

   Kit audibly whimpered when someone knocked on his door. There was no one here he wanted to see right now. He couldn’t. He had hurt all these people, not only had he hurt them but he had hurt Ty. Everyone was mad at him for that, understandably. The door creaked open and Kit squeezed his eyes closed, unwilling to let whoever was coming in see him cry. 

   “Kit are you alright?” They shouldn’t care. Why are they even asking? I hurt their own, worst of all I became one of them and then hurt their own.

   I left Julian instead of helping him bear some of the weight like a good person was. All he cares about are his siblings, his children because that’s all he’s got left. Kit used to be someone he protected, someone he cared about, someone he could talk to. Now it’s like that time he spent with them vanished. He was now on the outside and was exposed to Julian’s cold side. But he deserved it. He deserved it he deserved it he deserved it.

   “Kit breathe. You’re not breathing.” Kit let out a breath and started hyperventilating.

   And then there was Emma and Christina, both so nice and so cold at the same time. Christina with her welcoming arms. She had woken him up from nightmares plenty of times, stayed in his room and sang him to sleep again as if he were a baby. And Emma, she had trusted him from the get-go and he let her down. He let her down and disappointed her but that’s all he was. A disappointment.

   “Kit, you're scaring me just calm down.” 

   And then there was Livvy. His first kiss, his friend, his dead friend. He could see her of course, talk to her, but in a way that was so much worse. How was it that he randomly showed up in this family and ended up being the only one who could talk to her besides Ty? How was that fair? It wasn’t. Nothing that happened to Livvy was fair. It never would be. Kit couldn’t help but think that maybe if he had been better, quicker, if he had stayed with the Blackthorns instead of going with Alec that maybe he could have saved her. Maybe he could have taken her place. He had made a promise to her and broken it. He had promised to be there for Ty and he wasn’t. 

   “Kit slow your breathing. I don’t know if you can hear me but slow your breathing.

   And then there was Mark and Helen. They had both been away for so long. They were family though none the less. Mark had gotten to spend a little time with Livvy before she died but Helen, Helen had gotten to see her once before she died. Kit had gotten to see her more than Helen did. That wasn’t fair either. Her sister and brother deserved more time with her than that. 

   “Christopher please!” 

   Little Tavvy, not understanding why Mark and Helen had left and come back when Livvy had left but couldn’t. Kit realized with a shock of pain that he was only getting Tavvy’s hopes up more. He had also left and come back but to Tavvy’s young mind he couldn’t comprehend why Livvy couldn’t. Tavvy was too innocent; he didn’t deserve anything that happened to him.

   “Kit snap out of it!” Kit wasn’t aware of the hand squeezing his arm.

   Then there was poor Dru. Her love of horror movies and gore once and for all was abandoned when she had to see her sister’s body laid out like a corpse in a movie. Except this wasn’t like her movies, this was real life. Kit cursed himself for not being there for her. How could he have left? What was he thinking leaving, just because Ty didn’t want him didn’t mean the others didn’t.

   Ty. Everything that happened that night was burnt into his brain. The words, the tears, the exasperated determination. Kit didn’t mean anything to Ty but Ty meant the world to him. That wasn’t even the worst part in Kit’s mind. The worst part was that even though Kit meant nothing to Ty he still should have stayed and helped him through everything. Instead, he had left like the coward he was and left the freaking continent. He should have been there.

   “Kit come on. Kit!”

   He should have been there. He should have been there so Julian could get more sleep. He should have been there so Emma had someone else to spar with. He should have been there to help Christina pick up the pieces. He should have been there to help Tavvy with his nightmares. He should have been there to help Dru through her sword training. He should have been there to take the weight off the older siblings shoulders. He should have been there for Ty when his whole life was ripped away from him. He should have been there to shoulder the burden of being left alive.

   “Kit!” He came back to the present when the person next to him struck him in the face. Kit groaned and brought his shaky hand to his face. He looked around. He was still in his bedroom, Dru was sitting next to him watching him with wide scared eyes. He didn’t know when it happened but he was slumped on the floor.

   Kit took deep breaths steadily calming himself and within five minutes he had calmed down. He was glad that of all the people here it was Dru that had come in. Kit let a shaky breath out and let a few tears fall. He was okay. He was okay. He was okay.

   Dru grabbed his hand and squeezed, Kit squeezed back reassuringly. Dru let out a breath and hugged Kit tightly. “Don’t do that to me! You scared me!” Kit held her close and rested his forehead on her shoulder. Panic attacks always drained him afterward. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I should have been here. I’m sorry.” Dru pulled away slightly and shook her head. 

   She ran her fingers through his hair and he calmed marginally. He was struck then by how much she had grown up. She was still scared easily but she had matured a lot. “Kit, it’ll be okay. It took time and you’re damn right you shouldn’t have left but it’ll be okay. They’ll come around. I promise they will.”

  Kit looked at her through teary eyes, “And you?” Dru stayed quiet for a moment before sighing. “Kit, I don’t think I was ever really mad. I’m glad you’re back but I was upset you left and that you left Ty when he needed you most. But know that I forgave you a long time ago.” Kit just cried harder at that.

   She didn’t hate him. She was glad he was back. Maybe it wasn’t a lost cause maybe he could prove himself and stay. Maybe things could go back to normal, well not normal but somewhat close to it.

   He set his mind then that he was going to prove to the Blackthorn’s that he was sorry and that he regretted leaving. He would try his best to show that he wants to stay, he wouldn’t force himself because he knows better than anyone that things like that shouldn’t be forced.

   But he would try his damned hardest.

5. Julian

Kit sits by himself in the large kitchen at the LA Institute. It was very different from the kitchen in Cirenworth. Maybe it was just the lack of Jem wreaking havoc by the stove or the smell of cookies Tessa seems to never stop making.

   Kit sighed, he wanted to go home. He wanted Tessa and Jem and he missed playing with Mina. He had been with the Blackthorn’s for a week already and so far everyone was at least kind of nice (besides Emma but that was what he had expected) the only person who didn’t react to him at all was Ty. 

   Kit stabbed the cookie he had with his finger. He still couldn’t make them well but Tessa had tried to teach him and it was three in the morning and he couldn’t sleep so he thought what the hell?

   Ty seemed to be avoiding him and Kit thought he might actually lose his mind. He had tried talking to him but Ty had ignored him and pretended to listen to music which wasn’t even connected to anything. He didn’t know if he should make Ty listen to him or if he should just leave him alone and leave when Tessa and Jem got back and pretend he hadn’t come back at all.

   Kit put his cookie down and put his hands up to cover his face. Why had he left? Why had he done that to Ty? How could he? Ty needed him then and he let his feelings get the best of him. Wasn’t that what his father was always trying to teach him, to get his emotions under control because if they aren’t they can be used against you? Kit had used his own emotions against himself. Ty had needed him and like the weak minded person he was he got so embarrassed he left the country.

   Granted it was also for the safety of the Blackthorn’s it, the embarrassment was the biggest play in why he had left. God how stupid could he be? 

   Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

   He got that itchy feeling he always did when he had these attacks. He scratched at his face roughly, craving the feeling of anything at this point. He was breathing raggedly but he didn’t let up on his scratching. How could he have been so stupid? Johnny would have been so mad at him. He would be in so much trouble.

   Kit let out a strangled sob. Johnny couldn’t be mad at him because he was dead. He was dead because of Kit. Well maybe that wasn’t one hundred percent accurate but he had ruined his father’s life. He made him live in fear and isolation. He made everyone’s life worse.

   Kit slammed his head against the table and pulled away quickly the pain spiking through his already throbbing head. It helped him focus on the pain and not intrusive thoughts. He went to slam his head again but something soft blocked it.

  He jerked away and looked at Julian who was standing in front of him with wide eyes. Kit let out another sob before covering his mouth and standing up so fast his chair fell backwards. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you up? I’m so sorry I was just- I just wanted some cookies. I’ll go back to bed. I-I’m-” Julian cut him off by wrapping his arms around Kit, who let out a strangled sound.

   No one purposefully touched him except Jem, Tessa, and Mina and it wasn’t unwelcome but it shocked him. It especially shocked him that it was Julian that was comforting him. Even though they had been civil he had always been overprotective of Ty and Kit knew he was still very angry.

   Kit all but collapses, Julian’s arms catching him and holding him up. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. J-Julian I’m so sorry.” Kit didn’t really think Julian understood what he was apologizing for. That he was apologizing for leaving, for hurting Ty, for Livvy, for having to be the strong person when Kit knew for a fact he wanted to break down. 

   Julian just rubbed his back and gently lowered them to the floor still gripping Kit tightly. Most times when Kit was like this he didn’t let anyone touch him but Tessa and Jem but it just felt natural and safe in Julian’s arms. He assumed it was because Julian was a father figure to him, even with his young age and never having actually had kids.

   “I’m sorry.” Kit said and cringed at how utterly broken he sounded. Julian just held him tighter. “Kit, I promise you we’ve forgiven you. Well Ty hasn’t but he will. It was so empty here Kit we missed you.” Kit just sobbed harder and clung desperately to the front of Julian’s shirt. Julian rubbed his back soothingly and Kit just sat there. He didn’t deserve this kindness. He didn’t deserve the calm and kind words Julian was saying. He knew that Jem and Tessa would say he did but he knew he didn’t. 

   After about ten minutes Kit sat back thoroughly embarrassed. He rubbed his eyes refusing to look at Julian. He sat back and threw his head back, he could feel Julian’s eyes on him. “Do you want to talk about it?” Kit shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it, especially with Julian. How did one say ‘Oh I left when your sister died because your brother doesn’t love me back.’ He couldn’t.

   “Wrong answer.” Julian said, his eyes never straying from Kit’s face. He felt as if he was on fire, Julian couldn’t make him tell. He wouldn’t. Kit shook his head again harsher this time. “No.” He said a hint of desperation mingling in his normally carefree voice. Julian frowned. “We can do this now or we can sit here until you decide you want to.” 

   Kit bit his lip, it didn’t look like he was getting out of this one easily. “I’m sorry. For everything I did. I’m sorry for leaving.” Julian watched him, the look in his eyes telling Kit he was seeing far more than Kit wanted to share. “Why did you leave?” Julian asked cautiously, Kit shuffled uncomfortably and tugged at his hair. 

   “I shouldn’t have.” Julian nods slightly. “I know which is why I’m asking why. You left for a reason.” Kit looked anywhere but Julian blushing from embarrassment and anxiety. “I-I Julian this- you can’t tell anyone about this.” Julian raised an eyebrow and nodded. “Of course.” He said quietly.

   Kit closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Ty and I did some dumb stuff and I made the mistake of telling him I loved him. He basically told me I meant nothing to him. It was god awful timing I know that and it wasn’t the only reason I left but Julian how could I leave him?” Kit’s eyes were burning at this point but he didn’t care. He was so mad at himself he found it hard to care about anything.

   Julian was looking at him with an unreadable expression. “You love him? Like a brother or like…” He trailed off and Kit just let his face crumble. He was sick of pretending to be alright. He was tired and he just wanted everyone to be okay and for everything to be okay again. “I love him Julian. God I love him so much and it all just hurts so much.” Julian sighed and put his hands on Kit’s shoulders.

  “What exactly happened?” Kit almost told him before remembering he couldn’t tell Julian everything. “W-we were talking about Livvy. He was so sad and I told him that I love him and he just said there was nothing here if Livvy wasn’t here. He means everything to me, and I meant absolutely nothing to him.” Julian let out a sigh and Kit took in the bags under his eyes and his messy hair with a frown. 

   He doubted anyone noticed how destroyed Julian looked, well he was sure Emma did but he doubted anyone else did. How long had it been since he had gotten a good night's sleep? Guilt slowly seeped into his thoughts again and Kit shook it away deciding to talk to Julian about it later.

   “As much as I want to take Ty’s side, I think both of you were in the wrong this time. You’re right it was bad timing and he should have been allowed to grieve but he shouldn’t have ignored you  like that either. Neither of you are on the right side here Kit.” Kit took that in, he didn’t believe it but it was a nice thought.

   “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.” Kit said quietly, Julian blanched at him, obviously thrown off. “What?” Julian asked, eyebrows knitted together. “I’m sorry for not having been here for you.” Kit repeated sadly. “I know you do so much for everyone and everyone was grieving and it didn’t give you time to grieve and I'm just sorry for not being here to help.” Kit said earnestly.

   Julian gave him an odd look before slowly shaking his head, a sad smile on his face, and hugged him. “It’s alright Kit, you don’t have to worry about that.” Kit hugged him back, what a weird three a.m. heart to heart. “Someone other than Emma has to.” Kit said quietly, Julian laughed softly.

   “I’ll tell you what, if you come to me next time you feel this way instead of baking cookies at 3 a.m. I’ll come to you if I need help with anything I’m getting overwhelmed with okay?” Kit looked into Julian’s blue-green eyes and when he saw the authenticity he was searching for he smiled and nodded.

   Julian stood up with a smile and reached down a hand to help Kit up. “Are you ready to go to bed?” He asked when Kit stifled a yawn. Kit nodded and threw the cookies away, he really needed to get better. They always ended up to still be too doughy. 

   When they split towards their room Kit paused turning to Julian before hugging him one more time. “I really am here if you need me, I know you have other people to go to first but just know I am here.” Julian squeezed him harder and Kit knew he was saying thank you without words. Kit squeezed back before letting go and walked back to his room.

   Maybe now he could get some sleep.

6. Ty

Kit needed Ty to talk to him, he didn’t care if Ty screamed or yelled at him all he wanted was for Ty to stop ignoring him. He needed the confrontation, he needed to know Ty blamed him for what happened with Livvy and for leaving. Most people would be fine with the person that hates them ignoring them but Kit couldn’t take it, not with Ty.

   Which is how Kit found himself standing in front of Ty’s door, his breathing steadily getting more ragged. All he had to do was knock, he just needed to knock, needed to get this over with. He needed Ty to blow up on him, however out of character that was for Ty. 

   Kit had the sleeves of his sweatshirt pulled over his hands, clenching and unclenching the soft fabric. It was Jem’s old sweatshirt but practically everyone at their house wore it. Tessa when she missed Jem when he was away, Kit when he needed to relax or simply sought the comfort, Kit had no doubt that Mina would steal it too when she got big enough.

   His hand was hovering a few inches from the wood of the door, just a few inches, but Kit couldn’t bring himself to knock. He was trembling all over and Kit could tell this was going to be a bad one. 

   He slumped to the floor, his legs too tired to hold him. All of a sudden Livvy was floating above him. “Kit! I thought I- Kit?” She asked, abandoning her playful tone for a concerned one. Kit didn’t even think to respond, instead clawing at his throat trying desperately to breathe even though clawing at his throat was doing nothing to help.

   Tears were streaming down his face and Kit simply wanted to give up, stop fighting his anxiety, and simply cease to exist. It was a harsh thought, but it wasn’t the first time he had thought of it. 

   Jem normally could tell when he was in a bad place and would distract him but there was no one here to distract him. No one to come to his aid because they cared, no one who would hold him and ground him. He knew he could go to Dru or Christina but he didn’t want to show his weakness. 

   Kit didn’t notice when Livvy left abruptly until he heard hurried footsteps coming down the hall and harsh whispers. “Livvy what is it? What’s going on?” That was definitely Ty, Kit thought, his head swiveling around trying to figure out where to go. His brain wasn’t thinking right or he would have noticed that he was going into Ty’s room instead of his own. 

   His vision was blurred and spotty, black stars dancing across his vision, and Kit knew that if he didn’t start breathing soon he would pass out. It wouldn’t be the first time.

   Livvy floated through Ty’s door right before Ty himself walked through the entryway. “Livvy what’s-” Ty cut off abruptly, eyes zoning in on Kit’s trembling body. Ty stared at him for a minute, taking in his clattering teeth and the blood on his neck, fingers, and lips. For normal people, it would take them a while to realize that Kit had been scratching at his neck until it bled and that he’d bitten his lips due to his shuddering body, but Ty wasn’t normal people, he was smart and had an eye for detail.

   Ty walked slowly up to Kit, his hands coming up slowly as not to scare him more than he already was. Kit let out what would have been a sob had he had any air in his lungs. Kit was only slightly focused on Ty, his vision getting worse to the point of not being able to see Ty at all. 

   The sudden blindness set Kit off into new hysterics. “Kit!” Ty said loudly, trying to get his attention. It didn’t work. “Kit, come on can you hear me?” Kit reached out blindly in response, his vision now completely gone. Kit knew it wouldn’t be long before he passed out. He wished now more than ever that Jem was here.

   Kit’s arm struck something solid and he went to recoil but a hand clamped down on it and Kit all but fell forward, desperately trying to feel some, anxiety coursing through his body at his lack of sight.

   Ty was pulling him into his arms, murmuring soft things having given up on trying to get Kit to listen to his words. There was a terrible ringing in his ears and Kit halfway folded into himself, he was still shaking like a leaf and it didn’t take long for everything to go silent.

   The last thing Kit felt before falling unconscious was Ty burning his face in Kit’s golden curls.

   When Kit woke up the first thing he noticed was how dry his throat was, swallowing felt like sandpaper, and every small noise he made hurt. The second thing he realized was that he wasn’t in his room but he was in someone’s bed.

   That was all it took for the memories to come rushing back and he bolted upright, knocking off the slight weight that was resting on his forehead. Something behind him jumped and he turned quickly to see Ty sitting behind him, previously acting as Kit’s pillow.

   There must have been some panic in his eyes because Ty shook his head before slowly reaching out so he could brush some hair out of his face. “You’re alright Kit, just breathe.” Ty said quietly and Kit took in a deep breath, relieved to find it wasn’t hard at all.

   Kit was tense and stared at Ty for a few moments while Ty stared at Kit’s hair, his fingers clenching and unclenching around Kit’s curls. Kit wondering if Ty was fighting off his anxiety as much as Kit was about this whole situation. 

   Eventually when it was clear Ty had no interest in withdrawing his hand, Kit laid back down, too tired from his panic attack to hold himself up anymore. His head found Ty’s lap again and he started fiddling with the ring Ty always wore.

   Ty let Kit steal his hand and continued running his hand through Kit’s hair with the other. Kit was first to break the silence. “I’m sorry, I’ve said it before but I truly am. All of it’s my fault, I should have told you how I felt from the beginning about necromancy and I shouldn’t have left you at the lake. I should have said goodbye, well I shouldn’t have left at all but the least I could have done was say goodbye and I’m sorry I messed all of this up. I really am, you deserve someone who will be there for you, not someone who will leave like a coward.” Kit paused, taking a breath and looking up at Ty’s averted eyes. “Ty- I’m just really sorry.” Kit said, looking down again a frown plastered on his lips.

   It was silent for a minute before Ty looked down at Kit’s face, eyes locking on a spot right above Kit’s left eyebrow. “Are you finished?” Ty asked, his voice unreadable. Kit shivered and nodded, eyes drifting to the hand he was playing with. “I forgave you about two months after you left. Everyone was still mad on my behalf but I forgave you. You’re my Watson how could I not? Sherlock always needs his Watson.” 

   Kit was embarrassed to admit that his vision turned blurry, this time from tears rather than lack of vision. “I-If you forgave me why have you been avoiding me.” Kit asked quietly, his hand grabbed Ty’s, no longer playing with the ring, instead holding it as a quiet reassurance.

   Ty looked down at Kit, a confused expression on his face. “Because you were mad at me.” Ty said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Kit frowned. “Ty I was never mad at you, ever, the only person I was upset with was myself.” Ty looked away, his eyes landing on his bookcase.

   “I made you do something you obviously didn’t want to do, we broke laws Kit and it was my fault. I brought back my dead sister against her wishes, it was my fault. Kit how could you have not been mad about any of that?” Kit sat silent, searching for the right words. “I was never mad because that wasn’t you’re fault. You were grieving and you would have done it with or without me and everyone knows Sherlock is better with Watson.” Kit said, deep and lighthearted at the same time.

   Ty’s lips pulled up in the corners and Kit felt his own smile in response. “Aren’t we a mess.” Kit said, looking up at the ceiling, a weightless feeling taking over, one he hadn’t felt since he was last with Ty.

   Ty’s hand resumed in Kit’s hair and when he spoke Kit could hear the smile in his voice. “We really are.”

   They sat there for some time, a peaceful silence falling over them. Later they would talk more, catch up on the years of absence but right now they just basked in each other’s company. They weren’t fixed completely and Kit knew they would never be the same but sometimes things need to change with time. Fate threw them together for a reason and Kit wasn’t going to argue with it again.

“The ways of fate are indeed hard to understand. If there is not some compensation hereafter, then the world is a cruel jest.” -Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

#kit carstairs #kit rook #kit herondale #jem carstairs being a father figure #jem and tessa #jem carstairs #tessa gray #tessa carstairs #jace herondale #drusilla blackthorn #dru blackthorn #julian blackthorn #ty blackthorn #5+1 fic #5+1 things #tsc fanfiction #tda #the dark artifices

[ohnotoomanyfandoms]

any theories on jesse blackthorn?

SO MANY!!! Here are my main 3 theories. They might not all turn out to be true, but they’re not co-dependent on each other to work. 

he’s not actually Tatiana’s son

he’s trying to get Lucie to trust him so Tatiana can deliver her to Belial in case things with James fail

he will be possessed by Belial in Chain of Iron

Now let me explain them:

THEORY 1: 

I think the Jesse we know isn’t the real Jesse Blackthorn. As in, he’s not Tatiana and Rupert’s baby. I’ve always found it a bit suspicious how the grown son of a Lightwood and a Blackthorn, two of the most noble, ancient, and powerful Shadowhunter blood in Europe, wouldn’t survive his Voyance rune. 

Tatiana always said the child was “sickly” and refused to have him bear marks until Jesse himself, at 17 years old, threatened to run away to get his runes elsewhere. At that point, Tatiana called the Silent Brothers, who performed the ceremony, but the angelic power of the rune basically burned Jesse, he got a fever and died. I understand Jesse was “sickly”, but Shadowhunter children of 12 are able to withstand their Voyance rune. His supposed cousin Thomas, too, was sickly as a child, and he turned out fine. 

A 17 year-old boy is almost an adult... so how come his body reacted the way it did? Easy. He couldn’t withstand the angelic power because he wasn’t a Shadowhunter. I believe the Jesse we know is a changeling. I don’t think he himself knows this. I don’t know if Tatiana knows this (though I guess if she did it could be why she refused to have him marked). Faeries are famous for swapping babies in their cribs. Remember how they did it to Tessa’s mother - born a Shadowhunter named Adele Starkweather - and exchanged her with a mundane baby? According to Shadowhunter lore, it’s actually something that happens quite often, so don’t worry about Cassie repeating the trope in two different series. 

Now, I know what you will say: “but some characters in Chain of Gold note how Jesse resembles Tatiana and also his uncle Gabriel!” That is a very good point. However, humans are a trusting bunch: we see what they expect or wish to see. To back this up, I will point out how after it is revealed that Jace is Valentine’s son at the end of City of Bones, various characters proceed to point out how alike Jace and Valentine look in City of Ashes and City of Glass. Clary, who - as an artist - is great at picking up details and physical appearances notices it. Maryse, who knew Valentine as a teenager and has raised Jace, even says she should’ve noticed the similarities sooner. But then it turns out Jace and Valentine don’t actually share any blood, and yet people still saw those similarities. Humans see what they expect to see. 

Something that I thought is very funny is that in the very first chapter of Chain of Gold, Days Past , when Lucie encounters Jesse for the first time, she assumes that he is a changeling: 

“He must be a changeling, Lucie thought wisely. He knew a great deal about faeries, but was clearly not one of them: he had warned her about being stolen away by the Fair Folk, which must be what had happened to him.” 

She proceeds to believe this for years. How ironic would it be, it it turned out to be true?

(I made a Twitter thread about this today, which is why you might be asking.)

THEORY 2: 

Jesse is working on Tatiana’s orders to get Lucie to trust him. Essentially he’s doing something similar to what Grace is doing to James, minus the bracelet/spell. It would make sense for Tatiana to have a back-up plan, if things with James don’t work out, and Lucie is right there. This way, if the time comes when Belial needs to utilize Lucie instead of James (or with him, I guess), they will have an easy way of getting her. 

I don’t know if Jesse’s intentions are entirely malicious, but then again Grace’s also aren’t, and she still cooperated with Belial for years. I certainly wouldn’t like Jesse to romance Lucie only to deliver her to a Greater Demon, but wouldn’t that be more thrilling than a ghost falling in love with the only girl who can see him? So far, Lucie is playing into their plan: she trusts Jesse and is willing to break the Law to bring him back. Let’s look at the scoreboard: Tatiana 2, Herondales -2. 

Consider this foreshadowing quote from ChOG that Lucie speaks wistfully: “No one has ever tried to seduce me!” and proceed to cry about it with me. 

THEORY 3:

I’m 100% convinced this will happen. If when Lucie and Grace successfully perform necromancy and bring Jesse back to life, he clearly will not receive the Shadowhunter baptism. Because they would need to announce to the Clave that he’s alive, and they would need to admit they were implied in illegal necromantic activity, which they can’t do. 

So just like it happened to Jace when he was brought back by Raziel himself, Jesse will be an open vessel for any demon to possess. We already know Belial has plans for him from the epilogue of ChOG, where he says, “I will let no harm come to Jesse. What he carries is too precious.” And later adds “I have an anchor here.” Now, I am no expert on demonic possession, but it’s pretty safe to say Belial is planning to inhabit Jesse’s body somehow. 

There you have it! Thoughts welcome, no hate please. 

#Jesse blackthorn #chain of iron theories #the last hours theories #tlh theories #coi theories #chain of thorns theorries #lucie herondale #grace blackthorn #tatiana blackthorn #belial #james herondale #chain of gold #chog #coi #chain of iron #chain of thorns #the last hours #tlh #tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles #jace herondale #maryse lightwood #valentine morgenstern #gabriel lightwood #Thomas lightwood #heronthorn #anti heronthorn #lucie x jesse #clary fray

[supertransural]

Dean and his “things, people and feelings” he’s already “experienced differently”.

So here’s a random 4am thought I had. You know how while in the confessional in 10x16, Dean talks about “things, people, feelings” he wants to “experience differently/for the first time”? That confession is literally incoherent if you take a perfectly heterosexual-non-castiel-point of view. It just is. Let me explain why I think that is, and prepare yourself, this is going to be long. 

Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that we’re supposed to understand that conversation the way the priest understands it, that we’re supposed to see Dean the way the priest sees him: as someone who likes to have flings, who cheats, doesn’t commit, etc... basically the character that was introduced to us in the first few seasons/episodes (somewhat). I’m going to be calling that stance the “priest POV”. 

The issue here, is that this is not in fact “the first few seasons/episodes”, this is season 10, Things have happened since then. People have happened. Feelings. Have. Happened. Wether it be in the form of flashbacks or present day events, we’ve seen character development. So let’s start with romantic ones.

1: The first one that comes to mind is Lisa (and Ben). He had a committed, long term, family oriented, white picket fence relationship. It wasn’t just a “I had no other place to go” kinda deal, because once he was somewhat back on his feet, he could’ve pulled a Dean WInchester and left. Except he didn’t. He could’ve cheated. Except he didn’t. He could’ve not opened up or not gotten vulnerable. Except he did. That should already debunk the “priest POV” but let me add on. 

2: Cassie. Dean was insanely vulnerable with her, he loved her, opened up to her about the one big thing he never tells his one night stands, and incidentally was the one who was rejected this time around. He still has feelings about her when he meets her again. 

3: Robin. His first, real girlfriend. With whom he was also in a committed relationship with, which probably would’ve kept on growing if John hadn’t been the usual assh*le that he is, and Dean had had a chance to go to that dance with her. I like to think of her as beta-version-Lisa, and also as the girl who set him on his blazing trail of leaving women after 1 day or 1 week. His dad was the one to rip him away from her, and we know he wanted his son to be the perfect masc, emotionless, order-following, womanizer. And that is exactly what Dean attempts to become, even though this obviously goes against every fiber of his being (see #4).

4: Amanda. Now you may be thinking “but hey! Dean does cheat on her! and it is a short relationship!”. Sure he does, and sure it is, as I said, ever since Robin, he’s trying to be the womanizer his dad wants him to be. But he still lets himself get quite attached to Amanda, as shown by his disdain of the school right after she dumps him in front of everyone. The only reason he liked or tolerated this school wasn’t just “the hot cheerleaders” or whatever, it was Amanda. He wants to put on this mask of “I don’t care about her, I’m a bad boy, I’m just in it for the sex”, but he’s genuinely hurt by what she tells him about his life and how she judges it, and saddened by the breakup. He lets himself get hurt by her. Bear with me, this is important, because we see it happen again with Cassie and then he never lets it get to that point again, simply because of fear and trauma (I think), for example he’s the one to start the conversation about breaking up with Lisa.

Now. What about the “he was just talking about platonic things and feelings and people” possibility. Spoiler alert, it still doesn’t work. 

1: Jo. Otherwise known in my head as beta-version-Charlie, it’s true that Jo is part of those “early seasons” characters, but that only adds to the inconsistency of the “priest POV”. Dean cared intensely about her, some people think of their relationship as romantic, but I really like the “big brother/father/protective” figure idea. Whatever you believe their relationship was, it was profound, I mean he was positively shattered when she died. Again, deep feelings, longterm feelings. 

2: Benny. Like seriously. Dean spent a year in Purgatory with him, saw him as a brother despite the fact he was a vampire, helped him as much as he could while he was having troubles adapting to life on Earth again, protected him through thick and thin, went against his brother for him, against other hunters, against his core beliefs as a hunter himself, just. for. him. If that doesn’t tick all the boxes of things, feelings, people he wants to experience differently for you, then I truly don’t know what to tell you. And then there’s the whole thing with the ship between them, which I somewhat agree with but it isn’t cannon enough for this. 

3: Garth. Yeah, sure, Dean is condescending towards him at first, but he does care about him a lot, and probably doesn’t understand why and how Garth cares about him so quickly, or offers support voluntarily. Garth is a bit of a role model to him, that scrawny, somewhat cringy, little man is better at life than Dean is, and Dean sees that. He’s bothered by it at first, but learns to respect Garth later on, and care about him. He relies on him as a hunter, and kind of as a friend too and he lets him be the new Bobby (which proves a lot of trust grew here) (also, much later on, Dean makes sure he stays out of hunting so Garth can have a happy family life, he also accepts the fact that he’s a werewolf and that his whole family is too). That Also counts as people experienced differently and for the first time. 

4: Kevin. Or as I like to call him, sort-of-beta-version-Jack. Dean feels responsible for him, he jumps into the role of a father figure more than Sam ever does, as much as Sam cares about Kevin too. He is also completely shattered when he dies, like with Jo (which is a bit of the reason why I see Jo and Dean’s relationship as a Big brother-Little sister relationship, the vibe is similar (but not identical) to Kevin and Dean’s). 

5: Jody. Jody is like the mother he never really had growing up. He is vulnerable around her, opens up, she’s basically family. I’m not going to write in Bobby, because he doesn’t count as “new things”, he was effectively his father. Here, Dean lets Jody become a sort of mother to him even though his memory of his mom isn’t as tarnished as his dad’s is. He lets her step into his mom’s sacred shoes. He lets her take care of him in a way. He lets her enter his life and be here for him. New people, new feelings.

6: Charlie. Charlie is his little sister, no doubt about it. She’s his role model, he loves her deeply, he lets himself care about her and feel insanely protective of her. He lets her be Sam #2. He lets himself become a big brother to a new Jo. To a new human. He lets his nerdy side out around her, he learns from her openness about being gay. He is comfortable around her. He is constantly worried about her. New feelings, new people, new things, first time blah blah blah you know the drill by now.

7: Ash. Yes, yes, I know, another “early on” character. But as I said, it keeps on just proving my point. First of all, I firmly believe Dean had a massive crush on Ash but that’s just my interpretation. He respects Ash and looks up to him, he wants to be a bit like him, confident, comfortable in his own life and skin, happy, and he lives in a friggin’ bar for godsakes. He is the epitome of what Dean wants to be at that point in time. He wants to be carefree like Ash is. He thinks Ash is highly intelligent, and has it made. He sees what a happy man can be, one without burdens from “the life”. Ash is a bit like the cooler version of Garth (no offense to Garth of course). Does that count as a role model? I don’t know. But it sure as hell shaped Dean’s hope for what his life could one day be. And Dean cares about Ash deeply as well, he was devastated when he died (he was devastated about the whole Roadhouse burning of course, but it’s clear Ash’s death shakes him quite a bit) and is genuinely happy when he gets to see him again in Heaven, when he sees Ash content and at peace, and the fact that Ash tells him he’ll see him again one day makes him smile (btw thats something I would’ve wanted to see in the finale, but nooooo they simply had to give us a train wreck instead). 

So now that we’ve established those relationships he’s already had before (and I use the term relationship broadly here, it also includes all his friends), I’d like to point something out. There are of course other people he met along the way, other people he saved who inspired him, like the gay couple LARPing as him and Sam, Ellen (beta-version-Jody), in a way Tessa, Layla Rourke, Eileen, to name a few. But I feel as though the ones I cited were the main ones that truly show how shallow the “priest POV” interpretation is.

So where exactly does all this leave us? Well, friends, exactly where I intended it to be. That scene can’t be about potential women being longterm or serious romantic partners because that’s already happened. It can’t be about friends or monsters, because that’s already happened. Canonically. Several times, in several different flavors. 

TL;DR: There is no way this confession scene is heterosexual, and it’s probably about Cas, but not just him, it’s also simply about Dean himself and his comfy closet getting not so comfortable anymore. 

#spn analysis #spn #supernatural #dean winchester #bidean #cas #deancas #destiel