#But I have people who I care deeply about

[lowgothree]

𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ━━ ❛ 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐅 𝐀 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃 ❜

chapter no. 001!          

𝗈𝗈𝗈.               ⠀CONTENT : paige “with” another girl (for the plot). reader is so terribly down bad. also, i don’t proofread so if you see typos or grammar mistakes i’m sorry. and this chapter is kinda boring but it's necessary soo.

𝗈𝗈𝗈. ⠀      WORD COUNT : 1.5k

𝗈𝗈𝗈.   ⠀AUTHORS NOTE : yall seemed to like the prologue so i hope yall like this too!!

THEY’RE KISSING. and she’s enjoying it, by the looks of it. you can tell because she’s doing that thing where she pulls the other person closer like they could never be close enough. the thing she used to do to you. 

it’s almost comical that the first time you see paige again, she’s kissing some other girl with eyes like yours outside the diner where you and the girls were. she thinks she’s being sneaky (she’s not). she always thought she was sneaky, you remember that much. in fact, you somehow remember everything about the blonde except what her lips tasted like. so of course you’re a little jealous, feeling a bit out of the loop. that’s normal. right? and maybe definitely it’s stupid to mourn so deeply over a relationship that you ended but, whatever, you can’t help that you miss her.

there was nothing human about the feeling, it was more like a typhoon or a volcanic eruption, something so completely out of your control. it was purely sickening…but whenever you see the peroxide-blonde with someone new, you  find yourself apprehensively scanning their hair, their skin, the words that they would say –– always finding a hint of yourself within them. the delusional part of you wanted that to mean she still wanted you, but logic said that maybe she just started having a type. but then you’d think back to before…the paige before you never had a specific type. but since you? there’s an unmistakable one. but that’s not enough proof that she still feels for you. in fact, it’s nothing. it’s hard not to see yourself when you’re actively looking for it. you’d keep up with the torture by staring at paige kissing that girl through the window but then you feel a sharp kick to your shin from underneath the table. 

“stop staring, perv.” nika mutters, rolling her eyes lightly. although nika was one of the few people who knew about the dead relationship, she didn’t know that your feelings for paige still lingered. she only knew what paige told her, that the two of you were friends.

“i wasn’t ––”

“you were.”

okay –– maybe you were. you sigh silently to yourself, taking a sip of your milkshake. this is the first time you’re actually hanging out with your friends together rather than just one on one (which you only did because you didn’t want to see paige). the two of you agreed to be friends but that was clearly not going to happen. however, you felt bad for denying your friends every time they asked to spend time with you. so, you sucked up your pride. you could spend an hour in paige’s presence, it wouldn’t kill you. at least not literally.

angel, a redhead who shares a dorm with nika and a major with you, is sitting in between azzi and you. she’s eyeing you carefully, after all, the two of you are very close and she knows why you and paige broke up. she also knows that you still care about her. her gaze is simultaneously suffocating and protective.

“...are you okay?” she whispers only loud enough for you to hear. you simply nod, munching on your fries trying not to look out of the window again. in truth, your head was spinning. you haven’t seen paige face to face since the breakup. you were hoping you’d never have to again…

then she finally enters, walking up to the booth. every step she takes is just as confident as they always are. her hair is down, running across the length of her back. her eyes meet yours, they’re more familiar than your own name. her beauty is still unquestionable –– but you wouldn’t admit it. it would make looking away from her even more difficult. so instead you pretend not to look as she sits down at the booth right next to nika…right in front of you. she pokes nika’s side just to piss her off  before snatching a fry from angel’s plate and dipping it in her own milkshake. angel rolls her eyes but says nothing.

“that’s disgusting.” nika turns up her nose as paige bites it. 

“don’t knock it till you try it.” paige dramatically licks her fingers. nika makes a fist, gently hitting the table a few times with her knuckles. you chuckle at nika’s attitude.

“what are you giggling about? you used to like it too.” paige mutters, smiling lightly but her words send a pang to your chest. nobody else seems to catch the bitterness in her tone….but you do. her eyes look almost guilty when she sees the sharp intake of breath you take. but before she could say anything else, you look away. you avoid her eye contact like it’s deadly.

nika clears her throat, eventually sensing the tension, and turns her attention to azzi whose eyes are close and head is rested against the booth. “you okay?”

“mhm…just really tired.” she mutters, opening her eyes to sip her lemonade. 

you chuckle. “i bet you are, we stayed up all last night studying.”

“finals?” angel questions.

“yeah…” azzi mumbles.

“can we please not talk about that right now?” paige groans.

“says you, scholar athlete.” azzi mutters, rolling her eyes at the blonde.

“she’s too busy with that girl to focus on studying these days.” nika chuckles. angel looks over at you for a quick moment but you keep your gaze steady on your plate.

you nearly jump out of your skin trying to relax your tensing shoulders before someone notices. you ended things with her…she couldn’t even call you her girlfriend. so why did it hurt so much to even hear of someone else in your place? this wasn’t exactly the plan, you were meant to move on by now. but seeing her…again…all you can wonder is what she’s thinking about right now.

“who? cleo?” paige snorts. “we’re not talking about that either.”

cleo. cleo. the girl who just had her tongue down paige’s throat no less than ten minutes ago. you feel sick to your stomach at the mention but you hide it well, then you feel sicker when you think about how pathetic it is that you even felt this way to begin with. it’s just another indignity among many.

“why not?” nika mutters. “it’s more interesting than talking about studying.”

“true.” azzi adds.

paige looks over at you, her way of saying that she’s not going to talk about another girl in front of you. “where’s aubrey?” 

you appreciate the conversation shift even if you know it’s in vain. they want to know about this mystery girl and honestly, so do you.

“late.” nika mutters.

“i ordered her food for her.” angel smiles softly. 

“and she’s gonna wanna talk about the girl too.” azzi chuckles. angel’s leg shakes underneath the table, she’s clearly empathetic for you. she knows the girls don’t mean to hurt you but she also knows that it is hurting you. you wanted to relax her, make her feel less guilty for not saying anything even if she wasn’t participating in the conversation.

so you chuckle lightly, pretending to be completely fine and say, “can you please be still?”

“can you please be still?” you sigh softly, braiding her hair in its signature style. paige is sitting in front of you on the bed with her legs crossed. she has a game later, and she asked you to braid her hair for her. 

“you’re pretty.” paige mumbles as you finish up her first braid, still squirming at your touch. 

for a second you almost forget yourself, paige being damn near sickeningly sweet. she seems to notice how her words have temporarily struck you, pride swelling within her since she loves making you happy. 

you shrug it off and remember that her back is facing you, so you chuckle at her commenting on your appearance. “you can’t even see me.”

“i don’t have to. i’m thinking about how your face looks right now.” she turns back to look at you over her shoulder. “pretty.”

you bite back a smile, turning her head back so you can braid the other side. “you’re corny, you know that?”

“i’m enamored.”

“oh, someone learned a new word.” you snort, continuing braiding her hair, being as gentle as you can with her. (though it gets increasingly difficult when she won’t stop moving).

“shut up.” she mutters. “i’m super smart.”

you finish braiding her hair, tapping her side to let her know that you’re done and she can go look. she stands up from the bed, long legs taking her to the dresser which has a mirror over it, she eyes her braids carefully. “they’re a little crooked, babe.”

you roll your eyes. “cause you wouldn’t stop mo––”

she turns back your way, walking back to you. paige towers over you while you sit on the bed, she puts a hand under your chin and kisses you. “i’m joking. they’re perfect. thank you, baby.”

“anything for you…” you whisper back and your words make her smile. it’s wide and toothy –– the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

#anything but you ✹ꯣ #paige bueckers x reader

[dunmeshi-darlings]

There are a few misconceptions on shuro and his behaviors. The reason he was furious at laios for reviving falin using dark magic isnt really that he used dark magic (kabru even poins out shuro would have done the same). But Instead his anger is because he used black magic he put Falins life (as well as everyone elses) in danger because he knows just how the western elves react to black magic and black magic users. As for shuro's feelings towards laios for not picking up on social cues, it was shitty of him to do that however you do need to also take into consideration the kind of culture/life shuro has. He comes from a highly dignified Japanese style royal family, We see that him asking for help saving falin was the first "selfish" request he has ever made. The fact it is considered a "selfish" request speaks volumes on the kind of world that shuro comes from. After shuro and laios fight we see that shuro is actually envious of laios and how he views the world, showing that a portion of his anger isnt really from laios not picking up on his social cues but perhaps more so that laios was ALLOWED to be how he is. Even after their fight shuro offers to give laios sanctuary from the western elves, giving him the bell that when rung would have shuro sending people to go retrieve him and his friends and keep them safe from the western elves. if shuro deeply hated laios he wouldnt have offered this, if he didnt care about laios he wouldnt have offered him a safe place to live if the western elves come after him. i also want to bring up people saying he abandoned asebi/izutsumi. Which is also not true, in his own words when asked about her being left behind. "she will come back to us if she wants to." he explicitly states if she wants to, she will come back. To me this is him letting her make her own choice on what she wants to do with her life. Something that shows to me that i believe shuro has always felt perhaps some form of guilt at her situation but not able to do anything because of who he is and his father and his caretaker with him.

Shuro is not a perfect person, he has his flaws. But he IS a person, thats what people are. We have flaws and make mistakes and have issues that we do wrong on. Shuro is a man living his life and one who makes mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. I wanted to post this and talk about it because sadly some people ar being incredibly hateful about him and people that like him. Which is a shame as it is mostly a misunderstanding. Though i wont lie some of it does feel like its starting to become racist or because of people upset he could get in the way of farcille ship.

#dungeon meshi #shuro #toshiro #laios #laios touden #asebi #people forget he is a repressed japanese man from a feudal royal family #dungeon meshi spoilers #dunmeshi spoilers #spoilers

[yuri-is-online]

One Sided Love Triangles: Twisted Wonderland

Because I really hate it when someone has to lose. Anyway idk I thought these would be funny:

Jade vs Malleus- partially inspired by Private Thoughts of a Moray of course but also just like. The randomness of it. Jade has nothing against Malleus before he starts liking you at all, he's just a very powerful person who he would like to get close to so he can help him out. But now? Oooooh he hates him he hates him he hates him. He's the literal worst for getting to be close to you when no one else is close to him and Jade has yet to dance across the line of suspicion that's keeping you from living happily ever after. Malleus thinks Jade's courtship efforts are deeply fascinating, probably asks Lilia if ritual self humiliation is part of the process, and gets a very disappointed look sent his way. He's rooting for Jade because someone has to take care of you when he's not around and an eel isn't a bad choice.

Floyd vs Ace- crabby is little shrimpy's best friend and that makes him moody. Floyd wants to be happy when Yuu come in to basketball practice with his water bottle, but the only reason you brought it was because you found it on your way to drop something off for Ace. Damn this is the pits, why can't all of your attention just be on him for once? Seven he wants it so bad he floats through practice like a jellyfish because of how dispondant he is. Meanwhile Ace thinks your crush on Floyd is super gross but he's not going to judge. To the point Yuu starts to worry they're being set up for failure when encouraged to confess.

Trey vs Rook- you would think that Trey knows better than to assume Rook is in love with everyone he compliments but there's just something about watching you two interact he doesn't like. He tries to rationalize it by assuming it's because he likes you, and he wants to be capable of fligrting with you but he's not like this when Cater makes joking passes or when random mob students actually do. Rook decides he finds this funny and determines to play into it so he can goad a confession out of Trey. Love is truly beautiful ♡

Ace vs anyone who can breathe- he's delusional. He loves Yuu so much the idea that some people aren't interested in the same way he is just doesn't enter his mind. Might have something to do with how much he's denying his feelings that he's constantly assuming the worst but when Cater tries to tell him that he doesn't make it super far into Ace's skull...

I've got more but I need to sleep...

#twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #i also have a version of this for tdb but meh #eepy time #jade leech x reader #floyd leech x reader #trey clover x reader #ace trappola x reader

[aquariusmind0122]

1Am Astrology Observations!!!

These are my observations of some zodiac placements, some may apply and some wont. Take what resonates and leave what doesn't :)

I know Gemini and Aquarius are good matches but when these two are on each other's bad side it's like a battle of who can cut who the deepest with words. Things can go one or two ways, both signs communicte it out or argue it out. The arguments can become heated really fast due to both Air signs being so direct yet cut throat with their intelligent comebacks.

I've noticed a lot of Sagittarius suns/ moon/ risings in open or poly relationships.

8th house synastry is very interesting to me along with 12th house synastry. It's always a game of "will this be a lover or a enemy, or both?!"

I don't like how Taurus placements get called "lazy", they are not lazy they just choose to take their time. Change isn't easy for Taurus placements, it can even cause some to have anxiety. Taurus placements get things done on their own time.

The pisces and libra duo just makes so much sense, Libra being exalted in pisces. These two signs are always bumping into each other, platonic or romantic.

Virgos either love Aquarius or hate them, there's no in between.

Aquarius mercury people are genuinely so smart and funny, they are intellectual yet so unserious??

I don't know one pisces who hasn't been in some odd love triangle.

Capricorn and Aquarius risings can be just as intense as scorpio risings, Saturn ruled people have this bold/ mysterious look to them.

I've noticed many scorpios and sagittariuses are attracted to Aquarius or vice versa.

Libra placements can be such good siblings, they care so deeply for their families.

4th house synastry can be very beautiful, the person you share this synastry with could remind you of home in some way.

Aquarius/ sagittarius/ leo are trendsetters, I've seen these placements get their ideas stolen or copied first hand.

If a Gemini chooses not to speak to you it's probably because you bore them.

If someone's moon is in your 6th house it means that person will care so much about your well being. It may feel smothering at times but it's truly because they care.

I've seen leo and virgo in relationships a lot, it's not really healthy but both seem to gravitate towards each other.

Sagittarius suns need hugs. A sagittarius will light up a room and then go home to their darkness. They hide their vulnerability almost as well as an aquarius. Sagittarius are sidereal scorpios so it makes sense why they would be so secretive of their hard times.

Sagittarius and Aquarius are so similar, people don't talk about it enough!!

Cancer placements can be thee most caring people on earth; but as soon as they shut the world out to focus on their well being they get attacked.

12th house hidden enemies is so so true!! I have a 12th house scorpio and scorpio suns just hate me for some reason. Even when I'm kind to them they become bitter?!?. Nevertheless I'm obsessed with scorpios lmao.

Thank you for reading my zodiac yap session♡♡

#aquarius #astrology #taurus #aries #cancer #gemini #leo #pisces #sagittarius #scorpio #virgo sun #zodiac aesthetic #zodiac #astrology observations

[sunflowerxthoughts]

Do you know how people have work husbands/wifes? Let me introduce you to ✨a work uncle✨.

In your case, that’s Wayne Munson.

You go on smoke breaks together, you bring him homemade food, he brings snacks. You two take care of each other and are practically like family. You are alone, and you remind Wayne of his sister, Eddie’s mum so it works out great.

And then it’s just about to be your birthday and you are ready to spend it on your own as you always do (because sometimes making friends is super hard) and Wayne won’t have any of that. Not on his watch.

He invites you over and you meet Eddie and for him is love at first sight.

Who is the lovely lady at his door? Is he dreaming? Did he die and go to heaven?

“Hey! You must be Eddie?” He forgets he is supposed to answer. “Are you not?”

“No, no! I am Eddie! And you are…?”

You introduce yourself, and Eddie seems even to fall deeply then and there. So you are the reason Wayne has been looking healthier? You are for sure an angel.

“Oh, Wayne is in his room! I’m guessing you are looking for him?”

“Actually son, it’s someone’s birthday today…”

Turns out, it’s the best birthday ever, cake and all. Beats for sure staying at home with ice cream. And by the end, Wayne has gone to bed and you an Eddie are sharing a joint in his room.

“Sooooo, will you be coming here more often?”

“Oh I don’t want to intrude.”

“Please Wayne is on the verge of adoption and I like knowing that you two take care of each other. I know how hard it is at the plant.”

“Eddie I-“

“Well then let me take you out on a date.”

“What?”

“Listen you seem like an incredible person, super pretty too. And I- I think we would be a good match. A great one.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay Munson, one date. But let’s not tell Wayne, I don’t want to get his hopes up.”

He already has. He had been listening to the whole conversation through the door “on accident”.

Pt.2

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x you #eddie x fem!reader #eddie munson #i love wayne the man deserved better

[sh0tanzz]

I wish you would do a full post dedicated to toxicity or angsty shortcomings in relationships with the boys 🫠 I loved reading the toxic head canons ❤️

angst hurts my heart but !!

RIIZE RED FLAGS based on astrology~

hyung line edition ❗️

reminder this is based off of MY opinions of their birth chart placements + aspects and is not exact fact unless I knew them myself and I am not a professional astrologer

Shotaro

Vague - not exactly a red flag but he cares a lot about the things going on within his personal life but sometimes he might prefer to keep things to himself due to paranoia of how his s/o will react or if they’d use it against him..he might have a fear of betrayal that can make him be pretty vague and unable to tell his s/o a lot of things in regards to him which can feel secretive to someone who wants a relationship with open info

Intense - His Scorpio moon paired with his Cap venus leads to a need for loyalty as well as his moon/mercury aspect making him very observant of your words and even remembering things you said a longgg time ago which can be overwhelming and feel even persecuting to some. He might also be paranoid in the relationship of cheating or disloyalty.

Coldness- When he's upset he might have a tendency to be cold yet indirect. He has a scorpio mercury and when upset or protecting themselves they can say things that really hurt or could be pretty cutting. He also has a libra mars so he'd be pretty passive aggressive or indirect with his upset.

Eunseok

Nonchalant- (reminder that nonchalant means that a person cares but acts in a way that suggests indifference/disinterest) He can sometimes be too nonchalant and can make someone overall feel as though he has no passion in the relationship when really he does but just doesn't think you have to be lovey dovey 24/7 or he cant express his passion super well as times

Outburst- Eunseok has a cap moon and moon/saturn aspects paired with a mutable mars so he doesn't express his emotions well or bottles them up which can lead to him getting triggered at random and having a spontaneous outburst out of NOWHEREEE due to suppressed feelings which can be super problematic to some

Insensitive- it’s not on purpose or with malicious intent but Eunseok can sometimes not realize that though a situation isn’t a big deal to him to someone else it might be, he also can forget the more subjective side of things which can accidentally hurt peoples feelings

Sungchan

Sensitive - His pride is high and his reaction to things may be 3x more dramatic than the actual event that happened. When he's been hurt emotionally (whether it was intentional or not) he has a hard time letting go of what happened and might even give a silent treatment until he feels you've shown remorse.

Insecure - He cares a lot about what other people think of him and that can bleed into his relationships. He might act one way in public but another way in private which can make his words/actions seem insincere or disingenuous.

Internal struggles- Has a hard time balancing his feminine side and masculine side and what I mean is he is someone super emotional and feels his emotions very deeply but might try to cover that side of him up with a masculine facade which can bring tension.

Wonbin

Avoidance - He might refuse to acknowledge the red flags or obvious shortcomings/problems in the relationship or himself and may take a long time fully accepting or facing these problems as they are or has a weak approach in attempting to fix or acknowledge the problems. Idealizes a lot of aspects and tends to withdrawal when things don’t match his vision.

Procrastination- Once again, has a hard time facing things head on and takes a while to put action into something and avoids the messier more negative emotions that one must face in relationships; he could also take a long time to let the relationship reach the next more serious levels.

Stubborn- It's hard to change his mind about certain things..in arguments he'll try to pull a "lets agree to disagree" but it's a topic where you both need to be on the same page. He might even just straight up go mute in arguments if he doesn't feel like his opinion was valued enough.

#sh0tanzz #riize #kpop astrology #riize shotaro #riize sungchan #riize eunseok #riize wonbin #riizenet #riize fluff #riize imagines #riize reactions #riize headcanons #riize scenarios #riize x reader #riize x imagine #riize soft hours #riize soft thoughts #riize angst #eunseok x reader #riize shotaro x reader #sungchan x reader #wonbin x reader #jung sungchan #osaki shotaro #song eunseok #park wonbin #briize #riize is 7 #riize reading #riize smau

[botanicadrabbles]

Hydrangeas'

Lucifer x Reader

Warnings: Hanahaki fic. Established relationship, jealousy, self-doubt, relationship anxiety, blood, vomit.

Part 1

Word count: 1,241

Hell was never some where people actively wanted to end up; Tales of an eternal afterlife of suffering and punishment, when you first arrived in hell that’s what you expected. Opening your eyes to see a… Some what inviting place, was absolutely not what you had expected.

However that was years ago, now you’re helping Charlie with the hotel, no real want to redeem yourself. Charlie always asks you why and you have to just shrug and not really explain, your relationship with her father was a secret and you didn’t know how she would react to him dating someone else other than her mother.

You always heard from Charlie how amazing their love story is and how deeply in love they where, “I mean he still wears her ring” she would say. You always deluded yourself to think the reason he kept it on was because he still was in love with her. That he still solely cared about her, you felt you had no place to tell him he has to take it off, he was grieving the loss of his wife and you have to respect that.

But when with him, and just him. You never felt any pressure to be something different. Dancing around in his flower garden, his arms resting around your waist, yours hanging loosely around his shoulders.

Music was playing softly in the background, post modern jukebox. He always says how he loves more classical and older styled music compared to the new way music was made, but you where born in the early 2000’s and enjoyed the music you grew up with. So you made a deal (though not a magical one) that we only listen to music covered by them so we both get enjoyment out of music while with eachother.

Stopping for a moment you detached from him to look at the garden, that is why you where invited over after all. To see his flower garden, he stays at the hotel but doesn’t trust any of the staff in the palace to actually look after the garden properly so he comes every day to make sure they’re being well looked after.

Lilies…Lilly of the valley… Royal lilly… Spider lilly… His love for Lillith ran deep and you’re no longer sure to yourself if he loves you as much.

“Y/N.. Are you alright? You’ve been looking at the flowers for awhile” He says, his voice is so sweet to you and you’re starting to hate it, you hate how jealous you’re becoming…How possessive. You want people say how in love he seems with you, you want flowers to be planted and taken care of as well as he does as these for you. You want to be more with him.

Ofcourse though, he doesn’t give you much more time to think as he scoops you into his arms, pulling you into a deep hug, lifting you off of the ground. Looking down was a mistake as you realise how quickly and how far you had gone off of the ground now.

Like any sane person you cling onto him worried about falling, souls where a fragil thing, and that’s all you where. A sinner, a lost soul who wasn’t good enough to get into heaven.

You could feel the two of you turning slowly in the air like a ballerina in a music box, scared still you look up at Lucifer and he has the worlds most loving and dotefull eyes. The moment seemed perfect, you hadn’t had a first kiss yet and thought it was now or never you swear you feel him pulling away but then feel the rain coming down, he laughs a bit and despite being confused you laugh along as he carefully but quickly hurries the both of you inside.

You can’t help but smile and laugh more at your circus leader boyfriend’s soaked hair and clothing making him look a bit like a sewer rat. He smiles too and for the first moment since being there today there was no doubt, no anxiety or second thoughts about your relationship with him.

“I’ll go get a towel for you” He says grinning with his sharp teeth you nod in response, “Okay Luce” you say and wonder the foyer into the overtly large dining room, raising your eyebrow at the grand and glaringly expensive dining room.

Lucifer doesn’t take long too come back puting the towel on your damp head for you to dry yourself off with. He takes a seat on the chair in front of you as he grabs your hands..Which forces you to drop the towel and look at him. “You’re so gorgeous Y/N” he’d tell you, you smile. You can’t help it, he has that effect on you. Something about him naturally makes you fall for him, wanting his praise and approval, some type of weird spell was cast on you the day you met him.

You didn’t even realise when you said it, fucking hell you regretted it the moment it came past your lips. You felt his hands retract from his, watched as his face fell and fear take over his previously peaceful and happy expression.

“I love you” is what you said..Regret is what you felt when he reacted that way, hurt is what you felt when he said “I’m sorry?” as if the complete notion of ever being loved by someone was lost on him. He laughed a bit when you didn’t respond, as if your feelings where a joke and what you had said was some type of childish prank.

Your heart ached, it twisted and turned and you where still, frozen in place as your heart begged your brain to start to allow you to move, run away. You can’t deal with him laughing in your face. It hurt. It wasn’t until the vomit crawled up into your throat that you felt your eyes tearing up. The rain didn’t seem to be a concern anymore as your legs moved.

They moved faster than you thought you could ever possibly do. Your own mind washing out the way he called out for you, the concerned voices of the hotel patrons and guests as you ran past and into your room.

You didn’t realise the breath you where holding, the amount of emotions you had until your legs trembled and gave out in your bathroom that was attached to your bedroom. Holding onto the bench you felt the vomit come back up your throat. That horrible feeling of vile burning the back of it until you couldn’t take it anymore and gave in.

As you vomited into the toilet, heaving and gasping for air, feeling as if your lungs where crushing under your ribs. Tears brimming your eyes as you hoped for it to pass.

The metallic taste in your mouth brought you out of the daze, confused you pat your finger tips to the soft skin of your lips.. Blood, there was blood on your lip, looking down at the toilet basin you see some of what you expect, pale vomit.. You didn’t expect to see a mix of blood as well as blue and while hydrangea petals.

You thought to yourself how stupid this was.

This had to be some weird curse, you read about it when you where alive. It was fictional right?

Well…Fiction is always based on some type of truth..

#lucifer hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar #lucifer magne #hazbin lucifer #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel x reader #lucifer x reader #lucifer morningstar x reader #x reader

[televised-uhhh-nerdistry]

Cartoon rec of the week:

Craig of the Creek

I haven't seen enough people talking about the show, so I'm mentioning it here. Absolute 10/10 cartoon. Just three kids, running 'round, making friends, running their own semi-sustainable community in the forest (there are some concerns about how much trash they leave there but ultimately they're better than most adults). Literally such a dream. they encourage each other to be emotionally healthy and they protect each other from "danger". Like they'll help each other achieve their dreams as they come (and new dreams show up pretty often because they're young kids).

And they're so funny! Like genuinely these kids are so earnest and intelligent and incredibly humorous and full of heart! They have full lives and they live them to the fullest out in nature after school, on the weekends, and in the summer. It's one of the best representations of found family I have ever seen in a cartoon, and I absolutely love it.

Also several of the writers behind the show are POC and queer (I think the head writers are all Black but I could be wrong), so you know that it was written well and the representation is awesome like I know that it should absolutely go without saying, but representation is much more than just showing BIPOC people on screen, and in terms of cartoons I haven't seen that many shows understanding that fact except maybe the Proud Family, Fat Albert, and a few others whose names will return to me once I've taken my ADHD meds. But the point is that Craig of the Creek gets it right. Most of the characters throughout the show (from what I've seen) are BIPOC, and you can tell that there are caring nods to BIPOC communities (primarily Black American communities), and more than that, that the writers know what they're talking about and are deeply familiar with and are a part of those communities. Craig, the titular character, is a young Black boy, and his family are middle class and ultimately very successful Black people. Kelsey (one of the main characters) is Jewish and Polish, and written with more complexity than having a one and done Hanukah celebration. The Creek's main business, a trading post, is run by Kit, a young Black girl with a love for economy and business. And many other characters are racial or ethnic minorities as well, and it warms my heart to see these characters done justice time and time again.

There's great subtle queer rep too, and you can tell it wasn't written just for the sake of representation, like it was thought out and intentional, and it worked beautifully. There are queer witches, and there are no labels applied to them, they're just allowed to exist with no explanations, happily in love with one another. There's a non-binary character later in the series (I'm only like 10 episodes in so I haven't met them yet but I've read amazing things about them). Kelsey also apparently identifies as a lesbian later in the series (I say "apparently" because I haven't done much reading so as to avoid spoilers, not because I am discounting her identity). On top of that, JP (one of the main characters) has a sister who is dating another girl.

There's also a significant amount of body positivity in the show, at least far than I've seen elsewhere. Not only do they openly say "all bodies are beautiful" and follow up on that by defending one another, there's also very little need to defend one another, because there's a very unspoken and deep respect in the Creek for things like body type, skin colour, disabilities, and so on. The kids of the creek, and their grown ups, are all different body types, and given their penchant for community and uplifting one another, it's no wonder they all seem confident in their bodies.

Not to mention the disability representation. There is a character later on in the series who is Black and deaf, and he not only speaks in Sign Language, but in Black American Sign Language. In addition, though unconfirmed, many of the kids in the creek embody aspects of various neurotypes. For example, the three main characters, Craig, Kelsey, and JP all come across as neurodivergent, with special interests, neurodivergent ways of thinking, and so on. Some have speculated that JP has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is a disability often comorbid with ADHD. Not to mention that all the kids in the creek embody different special interests, most of which would be considered weird or frowned upon in everyday society, but that are given the opportunity to shine and flourish in the Creek's accepting culture.

Take the Horse Girls for example, a small clique of girls who roleplay as horses in a pasture near the Creek, and of course many of their behaviours are played as jokes, but ultimately they are accepted and involved in many adventures because of their unique interests and abilities which are ultimately how they aid the rest of the Creek. Every kid is a useful and accepted part of the Creek, with the exception of the ranger scout kids, who are essentially the same as cops, who are often exploitative, rude, and disruptive to the community as a whole.

Ultimately, the show is one of love, friendship, community, and acknowledging differences as a natural and helpful part of life. On top of that, it's not copaganda! What more could you want?

#craig of the creek #cartoon #cartoon recommendations #the creek #cartoon network #animation #animated show #kids show #kids cartoon #so cute #television #just like i drew it #cartoon network show #cartoon network shows #cartoon network studios #nature #sustainability #friendship #found family #perfection #representation #copaganda #diversity #inclusion #equity #diversity in media

[comradekatara]

On the topic of Sokka and failure and suicide: I think that it is probably rooted in the possibility that his failures, as a hunter and as a protector, COULD (and maybe did???) lead to deaths in his village. If he failed to bring home food or furs then people died, if HE failed to properly train the toddlers or watch over them properly during training then they could also get hurt or die, or themselves fail to bring home food or keep their people safe (which is to him obviously his fault as their trainer) and HE was the one who was meant to lead and protect and keep everyone safe.... It's so easy to see how that could spiral out into his severe deterioration after real failures during ATLA. Like, he is unique among the early Gaang that he is intimately familiar with the link between his actions and death, whether it's of people he cares about, animals, or eventually enemies. He's so painfully aware of it.

And speculatively, those toddlers would've all been born within a year of the men leaving! Which also means Sokka The Protector and Provider would've had no men (BC he wouldn't believe anyone else, they'd just be trying to make him feel better about being a failure) to reassure him that any pregnancies or newborns who didn't make it WEREN'T his fault and that he DID provide enough to keep mother and babe healthy. Or worse, he actually didn't do a good enough job and it did lead to close calls or difficult pregnancies or deaths. Either scenario would've fucked him up So Deeply.

yeah i talked about sokka’s perfectionist complex recently and also the fact that sokka is very much implied to be a good hunter, so like. yes. the stakes for any kind of failure are very high due to the nature of his responsibilities and what he believes he must excel in. he considers himself a provider and protector above all else. if he fails to provide for others, people starve. if he fails to protect others, people die. to fail to fulfill that role in any way is to be culpable for causing harm. and sokka never once considers whether putting that burden on a 13 year old was kind of unfair, actually, because he’s always been capable of excelling and thus it’s squarely his fault if he falls short in any way. but presumably, he doesn’t fail??

like, we really have no way of knowing, because so much of their childhoods and life before finding aang is framed exclusively from katara’s pov (she’s the narrator), but even what we do see is sokka holding the lantern for katara, sokka and kanna functioning as a unit when making decisions for the village, kanna trusting sokka more and telling katara to listen to her brother, sokka preparing to die a martyr. even the kind of “goofier” stuff, like katara soaking sokka with her “magic water,” or sokka trying to train a bunch of toddlers, or sokka’s watchtower getting destroyed, are all indicative of who sokka is and how he sees the world, in really fascinating ways.

obviously sokka’s reaction to katara waterbending is a complex one that we cannot fully understand when the show begins because we don’t actually know why and how waterbenders were targeted, so it reads as simple disrespect for something sokka doesn’t understand. and maybe it’s also jealousy, because i think literally anyone would be jealous if their little sibling had magic powers and you didn’t. but there’s definitely also fear there, fear that whoever informed the fire nation of there being one last waterbender left is still out there, that katara is still a target. it’s a fear informed by trauma, by sokka’s need to protect katara, to “keep his promise to dad.” it’s never outright spoken (unless you’re live action shein go girl give us nothing katara, of course), but it’s pretty obvious in retrospect.

there’s also the fact that katara is there with him in the first place. there’s never any indication one way or another whether katara and sokka going fishing together is a common occurrence, but i tend towards thinking it’s uncommon simply because sokka seems particularly pissed off by her presence, like she’s disrupting his peace. and i bet kanna is just sitting at home like “maybe i shouldn’t have let katara go fishing…” and then of course she comes home with a ghost and his flying bison, and kanna’s just like “goddammit. i knew this would happen. …..sort of.”

and sokka trying to train a bunch of toddlers seems funny at first, but is actually incredibly tragic, because sokka never actually questions the idea that the notion of childhood innocence does not exist, that from the moment you are born you must be prepared to die. it looks silly because he’s wrong, but it’s also heartbreaking because it’s all he knows. that scene is very explicitly establishing him as a foil to aang, setting up that deeper tension that underpins their relationship. katara immediately aligns herself with aang, recognizes the value of fun and the value of retaining one’s childhood, while sokka is positioned in opposition to this values from the get go. and sokka does eventually come around and embraces the value of fun, but he also embodies the burden (both material and psychological) that aang carries, and he functions as a sort of warning to aang to maintain his values, untouched by war, before it is too late. before aang lets his own burden overtake him and becomes what sokka already is.

and his watchtower is something i think about a lot too. it’s literally his only enrichment in his enclosure… sokka only lets himself practice what he thinks is useful, despite his love for all different forms of art and knowledge. so he can perfectly apply warpaint without so much as a mirror, and he can build a fucking functioning watchtower out of snow, but only because it serves a practical function. like, katara calls it “playing soldier,” because there is something sort of aesthetically childish about sokka building a watchtower out of snow like a glorified snowman and thinking that this makes him some kind of hardened general (we all start somewhere i suppose), but also, he is doing the best he has with the tools at his disposal, and he is in a war, and he is right to constantly be preparing for existential threats to his people, even if it does admittedly make him look kinda pathetic simply because his resources are so limited and he lacks the necessary experience to actually be successful in his mission. but also, that fact in itself is deeply tragic. this is what their once flourishing tribe has been reduced to; this child who thinks himself an adult is the first and last line of defense in their tiny, decimated village.

he thinks his purpose on this planet is so protect his people and his sister from a genocidal empire with basically no support and no resources at his disposal, and then he feels actively guilty when that situation is understandably difficult for him. so he probably always has been a proficient hunter (even as a 13 year old?? maybe he had help, but idk) because his reaction to that kind of failure (to protect & to provide) is so catastrophic during the show whenever it happens (most notably in the boiling rock arc) that there’s no way he has any sort of prior experience with that kind of consequentially devastating failure.

and not for nothing, but i do think the reason katara assumes that he’s fucking around and not doing real work is because unlike katara, he never actually complains about it, doesn’t struggle to do it, and in fact takes pride in it, is even a little smug about it. to the point that katara is like “why do i have to be stuck here doing tedious domestic labor while sokka gets to have fun hunting and fishing???” even though obviously sokka has never had fun a day in his life and deep down katara also clearly knows that.

but like, he really enjoys hunting because it’s the most literal realization of his role as provider. he loves being “the meat guy” because it’s a symbol of how he is able to embody this ideal of manliness through a practice he is actually good at (unlike a lot of other standards of masculinity he otherwise struggles to embody). he likes being the provider, caring for others in concrete, tangible ways, protecting the people he cares about. “oh sokka you really do have a heart,” katara exclaims, meanwhile his heart is and has always been the thing that defines his entire identity at the deepest, most fundamental level: his desire to put other people before himself every time, his need to be needed, the love he has for humanity that is so different from katara’s but in no way less significant. sokka will care for people, or die trying.

#estra-die-ol #asks #sokka #analysis #katara&sokka #kanna&sokka #aang&sokka #lmk if i should put this one under a readmore #it’s kind of medium length so idk #as it turns out. uhhh #you will never get me to shut up about sokka i could talk abt him for one million years and never get bored….

[yu-huuuu]

…

No, because when someone asks me, "what would a relationship with Itachi canon be like, you know, the rogue ninja who killed everyone to stop a civil war and abandoned his brother for his own good?", I imagine a relationship similar to that of Greg and Rose Quartz.

Imagine being a civilian who enjoys playing the guitar, and one day, singing in the forest, you encounter this mysterious man.

He congratulates you, arguing that he was drawn to you by your melodious voice and the gentle sound of the guitar.

He tells you his name after you tell him yours, although you vaguely asks why he didn't tell you his last name. But, Itachi is a nice name even if there's no suffix to pair it with.

The most random and imaginative topics arise in each encounter you both have. You two always meet in the same place, always at the same time. It quickly becomes a routine for you.

Without signs indicating that Itachi comes from any village or indicating that he is a ninja, you are left wondering where this sweet man could have come from. (although maybe if you looked behind the tree that is two meters away from you, you would see the articles he used daily)

Maybe he's the son of a vendor passing through your town, or maybe he's a tourist who likes to visit towns that aren't visible at first glance on the map.

Whatever he may be, it doesn't matter, not as long as your heart beats strongly when his hand brushes yours or when his fingers gently touch your cheek as he tries to tuck your wild locks behind your ear.

Itachi knows it's wrong. He knows these encounters are wrong. But he can't help but want to be by your side, listening to you ramble about random and simple yet fascinating things that as a ninja he never would have thought or imagined.

You make him feel like someone normal, like an ordinary man. You make him feel alive, something he hadn't felt since the massacre, perhaps even long before joining the Anbu.

It's as if he doesn't have blood covering his hands. As if he doesn't bear all the hatred of the world on his tired shoulders, preventing him from breathing.

All his problems disappear from his mind when you allow him to rest his head to take a nap, while you arguing that his dark circles look too big. Nightmares and insomnia leave him when you run your delicate hands, with no calluses in sight, through his hair. The protest dies on the tip of his tongue when you scratch that specific part that quickly turns him into putty in your hands.

One morning, Itachi Uchiha vaguely realizes that the dark circles and stress marks have become smaller and blames you for the gentle fluttering his heart does at the thought of you taking care of him. Kisame looks at him puzzled when he comes out of the bathroom. At first glance, he had a neutral face, but his eyes told a different story; they looked more alive.

Kisame wondered what or who made him that way. Itachi simply ignores him as usual, trying to keep the corners of his lips from rising because his happiness hasn't waned yet and he doesn't want Kisame to see him like that.

It's a night when Itachi finally realizes that he has fallen deeply in love with you. His heart stops for a moment when he realizes that it hurts to think about leaving you when he dies at the hands of his brother.

And he simply doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to leave your side. He's being selfish, he knows it well, but for once he wants to be. He himself destroyed all his dreams and hopes, all for Konoha and his younger brother.

By sacrificing his world, he can never become Hokage or live in Konoha again.

Maybe if he cut his hair and ran away with you to live in another secluded place away from the ninja world—

He stopped.

What was he thinking? He was dangerous. Everything about him was dangerous.

He had hurt so many people, had ended the lives of so many. You deserved someone better, someone who didn't have hands stained with blood or a destroyed man.

And he simply decides to push you away.

He told himself that this would be the last time. He didn't hesitate when he told you that he didn't want to see you again and that you should stay away from him.

Maybe if he were strong enough and you didn't have him in the palm of your hand, he would have been stronger, and he would have left without explanations.

But that wasn't the case.

"Itachi, you have to tell me what's going on."

Itachi sighed, almost as if trying to prepare himself for what he was about to say. "I— you have dreams, I don't want you to sacrifice everything for me," he told you the truth, unable to hide it under a lie.

"It's a pity."

"Uh?"

"You are all I want."

“So…”

“Hmm?”

“What was the answer?”

“… Love”

“Woahhh-! I know it!”

“So do i”

…

*the end*

love like you starts playing in the background

Also— maybe I’m gonna write a series of this now that i have ao3 🤭

@vulpisnocturna ,, @andohmyloveiliedtoyou ,, @moumouton4 ,, @izumi-uchiha-anon ,, @itachianon ,, @svfttachi ,, @kidsinsaturn ,, @ayyyez ,, :> hehe

#itachi uchiha headcanons #itachi uchiha x reader #itachi x you #itachi #itachi headcanons #itachi x reader #uchiha itachi #itachi uchiha #itachi naruto #naruto shippuden #naruto scenarios #naruto #naruto x reader #if i could #began to be #half of what #you think of me #I could do about everything #and i could even learn #how to love… #like you #<3333

[d-criss-news]

Glee star Darren Criss says he is 'culturally queer' thanks to San Francisco upbringing

When Darren Criss broke out on Glee, he instantly became a "teenage dream" for viewers — especially for LGBTQ+ audiences, who were able to see themselves represented in a new way in television.

Criss himself identities as a straight, cisgender man, but he says that his upbringing in San Francisco, Calif., helped him understand the importance of his character, Blaine, and his character's relationship with Kurt (Chris Colfer).

When asked at the Chicago Comic & Entertainment Expo (C2E2), what it was like portraying the groundbreaking relationship on television, Criss replied, "It was f---ing awesome.... Nowadays, we just call it a relationship on TV. But to contextualize it, a gay relationship on mainstream Fox, that's a pretty cool thing to be a part of," he said, adding emphasis when naming the network.

"I have been so culturally queer my whole life," he continued while appearing on a panel over the weekend. "Not because I'm trying — you know, actually, I was gonna say not because I'm trying to be cool but I'm gonna erase that, because I am trying to be cool. The things in my life that I have tried to emulate, learn from and be inspired by are 100 percent queer as f---."

"It was in queer communities that I've found people that I idolize, that I want to learn something from," he said. "And I'd say that's a gross generalization, that's a lot of things and a lot of people. But I grew up in San Francisco in the '90s. I watched men die. There was an awareness of the gay experience that was not a foreign concept to me. So, it was a narrative that I cared deeply about."

Criss also clarified that he didn't feel any ownership or entitlement over the role, but instead, felt a sense of responsibility once he was cast. "[I wasn't] like, 'I'm the man for the job,'" he explained. "They hired me...They said, 'You're the guy,' and I said, 'Okay, I'm the guy, I will do my best. I will do my best to talk about it in the way I believe and a way that I'm passionate about.'"

Criss portrayed Blaine Anderson for five of Glee's six seasons. He was introduced as an openly gay student at Dalton Academy and a member of a cappella group the Warblers in season 2. He recurred throughout the season. In season 3, Criss was upgraded to a series regular and Blaine transferred to William McKinley High School, home of Kurt and the New Directions. When the series ended, Blaine and Kurt were happily married after many ups and downs.

For Criss, Glee's legacy of portraying a relationship on television that so many people hadn't seen before was the most meaningful part of his experience. "In many ways, I'm glad it was me because it was a thing I really liked showing," he reflected. "It meant a great deal to me and it meant a great deal to other people. Because when people say they were affected by that show or that relationship, it's not because of me, it's because of that relationship on TV and the risks that people took to put that on TV."

"It took the people watching it to have the aptitude for seeing beyond what was maybe given to them in other avenues of culture. People of all ages, all spectrums of awareness say, 'I didn't grow up with a show like that and it was a really meaningful thing for me to see,' and I go I didn't grow up with a show like that and that would've been very meaningful for me too. Regardless of the fact that I'm a straight kid. That has value. For anyone who's been an underdog, we all know, in any shape or form — sexual, religious, biological — it has value because there's going to be a lot of people who see that and say, 'Okay, I can now understand this in a context that maybe I wasn't able to before.'

"It was a f-ing privilege," he concluded, "and I love talking about it and I'm so grateful I got to do it."

#darren criss #entertainment weekly #glee #c2e2 #chicago comic & entertainment expo #press #april 2024

[lovemyromance]

"Elain can't handle the cruel torturer of the NC because she abhors violence"

Wait... are we talking about Elain, Kingslayer? The sister who stabbed the King of Hybern and in turn, saved Prythian - that sister can't handle violence?

The sister who said "I hope they all burn in hell" to the mortal queens in ACOMAF... that sister can't handle violence?

The sister who time and time again, dealt with Nesta, understood what she was going through - that sister can't handle someone's darkness?

"Elain doesn't know about Azriel's darkness. Once she finds out what he does, she'll be disgusted"

Based on what? Azriel's thoughts in his POV?

Personally, I interpreted this as another way SJM has shown us what low self-esteem Azriel has. He's essentially thinking there's no way Elain would've looked at him with such trust and hope if she knew what he did.

But I don't think that's the case, honestly. I think Elain is fully aware.

And again, if antis are going to say things like "Oh we don't have Elain's POV yet, so we don't know what her thoughts are yet, she could be deeply in love with Lucien" then I believe it's a fair statement to also say that "We don't have Elain's POV yet, she could be fully aware who Azriel is and what he does. And it doesn't matter to her either way."

Also not to mention the fact that Elain is literally a SEER. I think there's a very high chance she already knows all about Azriel's day job, and she does not care.

Elain is not a child. She isn't some ditsy airhead that doesn't know what is going on with the politics in her home and the true nature of the people closest to her. She's not a rebellious teenager sneaking around with Azriel just to "act out".

The people who claim Azriel and the IC are just infantilizing her are also the ones saying "they don't need to respect her, she's a fictional character", or "Elain doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't know what's best for her", or "she's not happy with her family and friends and home in Velaris", or "she secretly loves Lucien and is using Azriel to be rebellious". The same people are ignoring her wants, her needs, her desires, in favor of their own agenda. "Pro Elain" my ass 🙄

#elriel #elain archeron #elain x azriel #acotar #azriel #pro elain #elain

[d1sc0-1nfern0]

HEY! MINORS ON THE INTERNET! FANDOM BIG SIBLING TALK TIME GATHER ROUND!!

So you know how we, the adults, are constantly telling you to watch what you’re putting in your heads? To be wary of what music you listen to, what shows you watch, what context you engage with?

It’s not about gatekeeping or keeping you from having fun or babying you. We have actual, legit reasons. And it super important. Please please listen.

Coming from someone who started consuming VASTLY age-inappropriate content at the ripe age of 11- you don’t realize how it affects you. I would’ve always been aroace, but I might not have been a ✨traumatized✨ aroace who despises a lot of the shit in my head.

Yeah, some people will only be slightly impacted. Some might not notice the impact at all. But for some of us it will deeply affect our psyches in ways that will negatively impact us for the rest of our lives.

I have really really gross things up in my brain now that is going to take years to get out if I ever can. Thought patterns and daydreams that make my skin crawl. And it’s 100% from the content I consumed at a young age.

Your young mind is absorbing information like a sponge and storing it away- that’s why you learn things faster than an adult. Your brain is developing and snatching up everything it can to make sense of the world and putting nsfw content in there is going to leave a trace. It’s going to affect your outlook, your behavior, your thought patterns, even if you don’t notice it.

So please for the love of everything- listen when we tell you to be careful. Pay attention to what you’re putting in your brain. Indulge your hobbies, learn all the new skills, have all the cool experiences, try all the different things. But protect yourself first and foremost. <3

I love each and every one of you so very much, and I’m not just saying that!! If any of you need to talk, I am available to be a supportive-yet-reasonable internet big sib for whoever needs it. (I will love you to the ends of the earth and also bonk you on the head when you’re being a dumbass <3).

[If my fellow adults could reblog this so your minor followers could see it that’d be great. And tag it with your fandoms because I can’t get them all- I’m in like 2.]

#IMPORTANT #fable smp #bound smp #fandom #fandom spaces #minors please look!! #safety #minor safety #safety brief #saving you from my fate

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 4/30/2024

most annoying book i've read so far this year under the jump

listening

a lovely polyrhythmic instrumental piece with previously-featured tuesdaysong artist, terrifying master of the cello, abel selaocoe. this is very textured and kind of scrubs at the inside of my skull in a pleasing way. like the kind of back scrubber you can buy with a bamboo handle and the long soft bristles. popped up on my recent releases playlist from spotify.

-

reading

really fucking pissed about this book and i am not able to be reasonable about it. i was really thrown, much like the fantasy prince's mother from her carriage as she was being chased by regency gossip reporters, that this was a prince harry/meghan markle RPF AU. i am a bit uncomfy about the fact that our female lead, the fantasy AU meghan markle, is some flavor of fantasy Gaelic instead of fantasy mixed-race. now, i have no particular moral or physical beef with RPF but i don't typically seek it out. but/also/and, much like works about marilyn monroe, i think works with the specter of princess diana are in poor taste. can we leave these women alone maybe

i got about halfway through the book before this revelation and didn't really feel like it succeeded at much of anything it was trying to do. oddly informal and choppy, like it was originally intended as a contemporary romance with some urban magic and changed to regency in a late draft. this is combined with some fairly weak prose: more simple sentence structure than i would expect in a book for young adults, far too many proper nouns, and a lack of interest in showing not telling.

i straight up don't understand why the leads are attracted to each other if she keeps making very public mistakes and he's a rude cunt. i have read other books (most recently the t kingfisher books) where someone grows to love a very gruff or taciturn man, but it takes time and mutual trust and an effort on both sides, none of which happen here. the core conflict is duty to family in all its various forms vs the heart wants what the heart wants. the conflict is not much of a conflict, though, because characters come to realizations within three sentences of confronting them and then vocalize them with therapyspeak. someone literally pats someone else's hand and goes, "It's hard, I know." the author mercifully did not describe the sad little pursed sympathy mouth but i'm sure it was there.

i'm also deeply annoyed with how this author chose to go about characterization. while the character concepts are people i would love to meet in a ttrpg, it feels very concerned about Good Representation and it makes everyone feel very wooden. i think when you put together characters from a list of various oppressions and disabilities it starts feeling like a grownup version of a children’s ensemble show meant to sell little blind box figurines. here is the Chronically Ill one, and her color is pink! here is the Addicted one, and his color is green! here is the Goth and Depressed one, and her color is black with some bones! here is the Gay one who was once badly hurt by the Addicted one, and we don’t care enough about him to give him a color! here is the superficially fantasy-Jewish one, and we don’t care enough about her to give her a color or an action figure either!

while normally i would love to read a book with two! TWO! canonically bisexual leads of different genders! this book is written for the "folx" spectrum of gays instead of the "fags" part of the spectrum and it strays very close to a modern morality tale for me.

this popped up on a list of books with bi leads i think, but if it was here or on libby i cannot remember.

anyway! fucking hated this one.

pleasantly surprised these came in back to back off my holds lists, bc they are about the perfumer Grace and Grace's former landlord, the spy Marguerite. my favorite of these Saint of Steel series is still the one with the werebear nun. i have nothing to complain about these books and not much to say about them either. they were such a delightful and competent change of pace after the annoyance of the previously discussed book.

oh i loved these. oh i LOOOOOOVED these. how the fuck does novik do it. she is so good at capturing the very specific feel of a grandpa military historical novel. except with dragons. i love these in the same way i know i will love the patrick o'brien books if i ever get around to reading them. i was a navy brat and unfortunately this is fucking catnip to me. truly i have inherited all my father's tastes

-

watching

largely fallow week. i don't have anything particularly great to say about The Bad Batch, but when have i ever. have not caught up with dunmeishi bc my siblings have once again inadvertently locked me out of the netflix account i pay for. considering a vpn for many reasons but watching netflix and watching porn (the state of texas does not want me or anyone else to watch porn within her borders) are the two big reasons for. idk. cashing out the paltry cash-back credit card rewards and coughing them up for a vpn. vpn opinions welcomed, i know most of them are straight garbage

-

playing

i straight up ran out of money in genshin, which is pretty hard to do since they're pretty generous with it? i have spent several million in-game currency on leveling up neuvilette (i am so so so happy to not have to collect any fucking starfish mats for him anymore [mats are different materials you have to collect or buy in-game in order to level up a character. very grindy most of the time]). anyway i am now scrabbling around for the last couple chests and puzzles i marked on my map in fontaine. i haven't bothered with grinding for his specific boosting artifacts or leveling up his talents all the way yet but this is really not shabby. i have the bad habit of completely levelling up all my 5-stars and then ignoring them until i need them for a specific fight or a specific level of the monthly..battle royale puzzle? i don't really know how to describe the abyss. anyway when i do eventually need his pretty intense water AOE attacks i will frantically grind for his talent mats. right now we're grinding for other things thanks

this latest update contains both the best and worst new areas so far. the underwater lost city of Remuria is a fuckin banger. gorgeous. incredible puzzles. very fun music-based quest line with new abilities and giant whale. however, im kind of disappointed by the new coastline area in the map: there is pretty much nothing there. almost no interactable plants to harvest, very few enemies, almost no chests. i get that they are focusing their time and attention on the new underwater area everyone will be focusing on (killer, btw, super dense and great use of vertical space). very lore-heavy expansion, sort of what if atlantis was a bit roman-inspired and also. hold on. wait a second.

sorry this has just occurred to me at 10:21 PM on Monday night as im drafting this but oh my god are the fucking fontanians the Sea Peoples of the bronze age collapse. this is hysterically funny lore if true. im going to have to go back and reread a lot of the environmental storytelling notes but oh my GOD that's extremely funny if true. genshin has some of the most batshit lore of any game ive ever played and im so sad that so few game journos are focusing on it.

where was i. leveling up characters in legally-not-france who may or may not be descendants of the sea peoples. i often find myself leveling up characters in genshin not based on how useful they are to the party but by how fun the bosses i need to fight for their mats are? for example: neuvilette is a water-based AOE character with not a lot of on-field time. however this big electric seahorse, whose antlers i need to level him up, is really fun to fight and i can knock it out in about thirty seconds.

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making

my sister's birthday is tomorrow! my birthday package to her was kind of heavy on stupid little trinkets and art books and not very much like. homemade? so i cranked out a little sampler. it's framed i promise i simply forgot to take a picture of it framed. about 3"x3", slightly adapted from a piece in Julie Jackson's Subversive Cross Stitch. i do think the F and C turned out way better (or at least the backstitching stands out way more) but hey. sometimes you need to hastily stitch a gift with the limited colors you have on hand

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem

[ruershrimo]

take me back (take me with you) | f. megumi x fem! reader | chapter 7: conversation

ao3 link for additional author’s notes | playlist | prev | m.list

chapter synopsis:

' “I can’t believe you’re leaving us for a boy," she goes, rolling her eyes. She doesn't even blink.

“I’m not.” You are. '

---

Megumi calls you back. You leave for Tokyo again, like a soul yearning for its body.

word count: ~6k; tws: none for now :)!!

19-6-2018

“So you’re really going to let go of them now?” your father asks. 

“...yeah.” 

“That’s good. I’ll miss that Itadori boy, though.” 

You will, too. 

In a way you suppose Megumi and Yuuji are very similar. They’d go well together, be good, fast friends and all that. 

They’re both undoubtedly good people, no matter how they’ve beat people up before and how different their beliefs may be. 

In Megumi’s case, everyone knew how good a person Tsumiki was, her younger brother included. Her kindness and virtue extended itself, inspiring other people around her. But Megumi was a good person, too— polite, patient (most of the time, unless it were Gojo— but who wouldn’t be annoyed by that man, right?), kind in his own way. He cared for you in all sorts of ways in the past, even then you could tell, gentle with animals and objects and your hand. Gentle in his own way. Giving you reminders despite the tiny calumniations sprinkled in (they barely do as much damage as comb bristles can), being sharp because he must have had to, kind because it was in his very nature. Easy on the eyes, tall, deep soothing voice— he ticked all the boxes for that, too. You bet that if things were different, and the two of you had stayed in touch with each other, you’d have fallen deeply in love with it by now. Yet that thought only makes you feel sour now that things hadn’t gone that way at all. 

And Yuuji, too— there was no explanation needed for Yuuji. Even Megumi could tell he was a good person. And at some times he was almost like Tsumiki. You weren’t ever surprised that you’d caught feelings for him, because— who wouldn’t? He was always popular, even if he was ignorant of his own charm around others. But he wasn’t just a good guy with a ripped torso, he was honest, perceptive and smart in conversations. Smarter than he ever credited himself for. Smart in a way you could never be— people with cute faces, nice bodies and good social skills were in a league of their own, practically. You’d thought that for a long time. 

Did either of them ever know how you felt? 

Probably not. Your heart was guarded, intensely so, and you’d never lay your feelings bare and out so easily. You weren’t the type of person to say you loved people as easily as others did, even within your own family. 

This, you presume, is probably an acquired trait, now that you think about it. You were much more different as a child, free with praise and love and unabashed affection as well as appreciation for the people around you. What changed?

(Everything.) 

You miss 2010. You miss Tsumiki the way you miss your mother’s cooking, miss her the way you miss when you wrote emails and letters and text messages to her with multi-coloured pens or your old phone that eventually broke a year after. You miss the conversations the two of you had, miss how you used to be your parents’ little angel. 

And in the end it all comes back to that, doesn’t it? 2010. Nostalgia. Reminiscing on old memories in a way akin to how the elderly do in their youth. That just made you seem more pathetic, because, weren’t you supposed to be making those memories right now, at this time of your life? 

You’re a teenager. You should be going out with friends, and having fun, not rotting at home ruminating on the past, with the only friends you’ve ever had hundreds of kilometres away from you (you weren’t sure if you could even call one of them a ‘friend’ anymore), and your acquaintances not close enough to replace them (how could they ever? How could there ever be a replacement for Yuuji?) 

In a way you feel your life is miserable: awkward, socially-impaired teenage girl with her only friend practically out of her life at this point; nothing special to your name besides a cursed technique that most times does you more harm than good; stuck not being able to completely get over friends she met at eight who left her as quickly as someone can blink their eyes; with the thinking process of a nagging, stubborn mother sometimes, or if not that then a blurry, mingled train of thought that gets delayed or lost when moving from station to station; someone not of use at all. Not miserable, you think to yourself like a slap to the face, pathetic. 

You’re not sure how Tsumiki is now— maybe she has a partner, or better friends than you were, or she’s busy being president of the student council or something (she’d be a sterling leader, of that you’re certain, that girl who you’d always known was bound to go places in the span of her lifetime). 

Hopefully, she’s alright, and doing the best she can in life. That’s all you wish for when it comes to Tsumiki. 

At this point, there’s no point in wishing to join them, or to linger on them and memories of the past. It’s a mosquito in summer heat, which is why, if it stays, you decide, you’ll just suppress and ignore it until it goes away. Even if you didn’t know how long it would take you to get over them— weeks, months, but goodness forbid a whole lifetime or forever— you needed to accept that you’d be like this for nearly the rest of your life: pathetic, lonely— ah, that’s the word that so very perfectly delineates the situation you’re in— and then some. 

So that’s why, when you hear your phone buzzing on your bed like a cicada during a balmy night, you assume it’s someone else. Yuuji must be busy settling in (he’s been texting you, and you took that as a sign that he wouldn’t call), and Megumi must be… —Well. Megumi has made a promise, and it’s not that you don’t believe in him, but it would be better to expect less than what you’d like to in order to evade disappointment. 

Must be someone else. A prank call, or a scammer, or something. Or a telemarketer, but you’d be surprised if telemarketers were calling you and not your father. And you were never one to pick calls up mindlessly anyway, so if it were some stranger out to get you or swindle you, you’d just hang up or check the number. 

If not either a scam or a telemarketer (well you suppose both of those could be scams in certain contexts), though, then you’d suspect it would be either Yuuji (Yuuji’s the one who has been texting you, after all, conversations strewn over checking in with the other over the past few hours or snippets of advice from you telling him not to bother Megumi very much, and to be cautious and keep himself safe) or Gojo— definitely not Megumi, and probably not Gojo either, but still it was more likely that Gojo was calling you instead of Megumi, so you’re considering it— and you can’t really remember Gojo’s number anyway, so what if an unknown number wasn’t a prank call or something—

You wonder if you should just pick it up instead of burying your head in your study notes and overthinking everything. 

But you know it’s definitely not Megumi. 

You check the phone. 

Well, you’ll be damned. 

It’s Fushiguro Megumi. 

You know his number by heart, after all. Keyed it in too many times to forget, and it’s not like he’d have any reason to change it. Not with the way he cares for things, inanimate objects, not with the tenderly quiet, secretly caring, emotionally jaded way he maintains them. 

“Ah… hello?” 

Your heart thumps in your chest and heat flares up in your cheeks with a frenetic speed. 

“Hi,” you blurt out, shakily. You’re sure your voice is quivering, yet your mind feels like it’s barely functioning, almost about to drown in a seven-feet-deep pool, so you can’t really tell. You can’t really hear yourself. 

You don’t know why you feel like this— no, you know exactly why, actually. It’s because you haven’t gotten over him. Your thoughts are scrambled but you know, for sure, that you’re like this because you want to get rid of feelings like these but you can’t. Or because you’ve been saying that to yourself like a mantra, for so long, even though a part of you wants it to stay— out of what, that’s what you don’t know; maybe desperation or nostalgia or an inability to stop dwelling on days long gone. But you know what this is— you’ve seen the movies, read the manga, watched the dramas. It’s romance. Crushes. Something you’re not quite able to call love yet, something you’re too scared to properly name, still, but something you can understand is one-sided nonetheless. 

“…hi. [Name].” 

“Hello…” 

What happens when two estranged childhood friends with a book’s worth of history behind their relationship that happen to be socially awkward teenagers actually have a conversation semi-beyond what keeps them estranged in the first place? 

“Hi— no, wait… how are you?” 

Pot, meet kettle, because you’re going off nothing but the fact that you’re at the very least surprised (the other emotions are too complicated to explain) that he’s speaking to you again, and not just on text, but he’s calling, and he sounds like he’s reading off a script, but the script is in a whole other language, somehow, and the uncertain nervousness in his voice is tangible, even for a deep, low voice like his. 

Script or not, you appreciate the effort, though. 

“I’m good, um… I’m happy you were able to call. It’s been a long time.” 

“That’s good.” 

There’s silence on the other line; time feels like it’s moving achingly slowly. But you’re mildly happy. 

Not happy, maybe, but you definitely feel light, as if you’ve been severed from the heaviness of everything else that has happened lately. This is the first time in years something like this has ever happened. 

“Ah, wait, I forgot to ask! Sorry, um.. how are you?” 

“I’m doing alright, too. Oh, wait, I should apologise. I didn’t tell you— thanks for helping with my injuries the other day. Gojo told me about it after you left. You… you didn’t have to, though. You shouldn’t have risked your health like that.” 

You shake your head. “Don’t mention it. You know why I do this, anyway.” Out of necessity or a need to be useful, you’re not even sure yourself, but he must know, to some degree, right? It seems as if he’d be the one to know the most of this, of you— at least, when matters came to this. “And I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Dr Ieiri probably ended up helping more with the bigger ones once the three of you got back. I mean, she did, right?” 

“…no. She said that she didn’t want to waste her time, so if injuries were more minor like mine, she wouldn’t heal them fully.” 

“...ah.” More minor? Seriously, doctor? You’d normally not question her judgement over matters that she had more expertise in dealing with, but seriously? 

“I’ll be fine, though. Most of the bandages have come off, and all.” 

“I’m glad to hear that.” 

You wonder where he is now, on the bed, maybe, or sitting on the floor. You’ve seen the classrooms, but not the dormitories— you hope wherever he is, that it’s comfortable. That he’s okay. 

“We’re going to see a new student soon.” 

“Really? Have you met them before?” 

“No, but Gojo said she’s from the countryside. But we’re meeting her in Harajuku, for some reason.” 

“Oh, Harajuku! I miss it,” you let out a plaintive sigh, “I can’t wait to be back in Tokyo. You know, whatever happens, I still love that city like nothing else. I know how many people hate it, but I love it so much.” And you love it so much in the first place, mostly because of Megumi and Tsumiki. “Maybe she just wants to chase a bit of the sweet city life— I mean, you know how it is when country bumpkins go to the city for the first time… kind of. Or when they love the city— yeah, that’s a better way of saying it. I was like that, kind of.” 

“...if you’re worried about the train ride here and want to travel alone, I could always pay for you. Uh… wait—” 

“Oh, no, no! There’s no need, uhm— thank you anyway, it’s just—” 

“It’s Gojo’s money anyway.” 

“Pft,” you snort. Anything to seep out some of Gojo’s money like gluttonous leeches, right? “Nah, I’ll be fine. I mean, I don’t even think I’ll be able to come back in a few years’ time, and by then I won’t even be relying on my parents’ money for this stuff anymore— I mean, I will still be relying on their money, but I’ll be managing it as my own.” 

He chuckles lightly over the line, the silent way he shows his emotions, the way that goes unnoticed if one is not attentive to it. It feels like he’s whispering directly into your ear, and the heat on your face (which you weren’t even sure was still there until that point). Your heart skips a beat and it completely, absolutely shocks you. “...the offer still stands.” 

Yeah, you can get behind it if he’s like this now. What happened to him, anyway? Puberty hit him like a brick and gave him, like, one more ounce of emotional maturity? 

You shake your head like a character in a piece of crappy romance fanfiction. No way. Not now, at least. Calm down. 

(...you’re just a girl.) 

“Well, no take backs from now on, okay? Even if it’s, like, five years into the future, you’ll still be using Gojo’s credit card to cover for all my travel expenses.” 

He does it again, that low, soft, attractive sound. Makes you want to hit him and hit yourself at the same time, and then kick your feet up in the air giddily, and then throttle yourself, if it were possible, out of sheer embarrassment. “Yeah.” 

You’re having the time of your life. 

“Anyway, how is everything else? Like, are your studies and grades okay? Is the training you do alright to handle?” 

“My grades are pretty okay,” he answers, “Not like Gojo cares, honestly. And the training’s fine, it’s nothing I’m not used to.” 

“Gojo seems like he’d be a good teacher. When he wants to, he can command respect pretty easily, too. I guess he just… chooses not to. But I saw it yesterday, when you and Yuuji were passed out in the hospital.” 

It still strikes a pang of guilt in your chest, your inability to have done anything else besides calling Gojo over for help. 

“...I suppose he does.” 

“Yeah.” 

“How about you? Itadori, he… he can be an idiot sometimes, but he speaks of you really admirably. He talks about how smart you are a lot.” 

The thought of Megumi calling Yuuji an idiot of all things doesn’t feel like it falls short from him, but it still makes you frown— though, you realise that that’s just his way of expressing things, because in a way he’d treated you somewhat the same in the past, even if he hadn’t shown it outright or expressed it very vividly. Classic Megumi. 

“Hey, he’s smarter than people give him credit for, okay? Wait until you see how talented he is at things other than sports and martial arts. You’d be surprised after trying the meatballs he makes. Would be good if you asked him to give you the recipe sometime; I make them, like, once a week, at least.” 

He sighs, “...I will. But the point is, he cares for you a lot.” 

“Yeah, beautiful soul, that guy. Loves people the way curious children love nature.” 

“That would be a fitting way to put it.” 

“How are the dogs?” 

“My shikigami?” 

“Yeah. Do they have names?” 

“The black one is Kuro and the white one is Shiro.” 

“You named them black and white?” 

“Look, I named them when I was barely six years old, and six year olds aren’t exactly the best when it comes to these things…” 

You giggle, “So the name stuck?” 

“Yeah, sort of.” 

Real cute. 

“What about your father? How is he?” 

“He’s okay, but, well. I guess we’re not that close anymore.” 

“...I see.” He probably can’t imagine a version of you who wasn’t immensely close to her parents. You couldn’t then, either. 

“We’ve been talking even less now that my mother’s in the hospital, but at least I get to talk to him before he eats, maybe. I’ve been doing most of the cooking now that my mother isn’t here and my father doesn’t really know how to handle himself in our kitchen without her guidance.” 

“Oh… if you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your mother?” 

“Cancer.” 

You can practically hear the gulp he’s taking, the bobbing of his throat— sensitive topic. “I’m… so sorry to hear that.” 

“It’s okay, don’t be,” you reassure him, “I should have told you that day anyway. I was just… exploding at everybody on that night. I should apologise— I’m sorry for how badly I treated you.” 

“No,” he goes, “No, you shouldn’t. I understand why you were like that that night. And it was mostly my fault, too, so…” 

“No, no, I’m serious! Feel free to ask almost anything as long as I have actual answers to your questions and all.” 

“Still… I just wanted to know. Sorry if I caused you any trouble.” 

“No— you didn’t do any of that at all, don’t worry! I’m alright with people asking about this. Ah, anyway… besides Yuuji, do you have any friends?” 

“Itadori and I aren’t friends.” 

“Trust me, if I asked him, I bet he’d beg to differ. Yuuji’s like that with people— soon he’ll be more important to you than you could have ever thought at first.”  

“Whatever you say,” he sort of grunts, “But I don’t have any friends, I think… except you, maybe. What about you?” 

You were honestly expecting him not to consider you a friend at all, and at this point so much has happened that wouldn’t even be that bothered if he no longer thought of you as one but called you anyway out of his commitment to his promises, or as an apology. 

“I’m surprised you can still call me a friend,” you say. Calling people instead of talking to them physically does something to your inhibitions. 

“...should I not?” 

“No, no, I’m happy,” you say over the phone. You’ll forget this conversation tomorrow, at least, when the sun has risen and the night returns back the hold you have over yourself, your composure, to you. You’ll act like this never happened. So you’ll say whatever you want to now, disgorging yourself of years of withheld secrets. “I’m happy that we’re still friends. I think I like that. 

“Yeah?” 

“Um— yeah, it seems like a good place to start,” you grin slightly. “And I, well. I don’t really have any friends beyond Yuuji,” —You’re not even sure if Tsumiki still sees you as a friend— “Even if I may have acquaintances like Sasaki or Iguchi it still feels like Yuuji’s one of the only people I can give that kind of title to, so, um… the more the merrier?” 

“That’s… nice.” 

“...it is, isn’t it?” 

“Thank you.” 

Why? “Okay.” 

The two of you go through the next few seconds in silence, time feeling like it’s blending and bleeding into a mix of years and events. You can hear the light, steady sound of his breathing from the other line. If you could, you’d sleep to it— fuck the phone bill, you’ll be the one paying it in your father’s stead this time if it was for this. 

It’s comforting, and you don’t want to break it— the quiet. If he can hear you now, can hear how you’re breathing through a smile with your chest only slightly moving, you hope it feels the same as the sound of his breathing did for you. You hope it feels just like home. Like a warm pillow in the one place you love the most that you bury your head into when the weather gets especially cold. 

“Fushiguro!” 

Oh dear. 

Wincing at the sound of the creaking door’s shrill shriek as it's opened and then hits the wall, you know exactly who it is— you’d recognise that voice anywhere. 

“Is that Yuuji?” 

“Oi! I told you not to barge into my room like that!” Megumi shouts. 

“Huh? You’re calling someone? Sorry. Wait, is it [Name]?” 

“It’s none of your business.” 

“Hi, Yuuji.” 

“Can I talk to her?” 

“Is it alright if we do, Megumi? Just for a few seconds.” 

“Fine,” he sighs. You can practically hear that eye roll. 

“Yo!” he cheers. 

“Has everything been okay lately?” you ask. 

“Yeah. We’re meeting a new student soon.”

“Ah, yeah. Megumi told me.” 

“—Oh, and my uniform came in! It looks pretty neat.” 

“That’s good. Maybe you can send me a picture once you start wearing it, then.” 

“I will!” 

Things are going better than you thought they would. 

21-6-2018

It’s been a few days now. 

You don’t know Sasaki and Iguchi well enough to call them friends, but the three of you do know each other. You had never decided to change any contacts with them, and considering that they and you were never closer than acquaintances, friends of a friend— you had never really regretted it. But now that Yuuji is gone— and you know he’s not dead, but still— you wonder whether you should have gotten closer to them, just to be less alone once Yuuji left, even if it could not be the way things were with Yuuji. (“I thought I was a pretty lonely guy, and sometimes I still do. Like— I mean, you’re a lonely girl too sometimes, I think,” he had told you as you patched him up.) 

Still, Yuuji and you were two peas in a pod— so they’re bound to ask what happened to him soon enough, especially Iguchi. 

You’ll have to start getting used to spending your Thursdays alone. And then you’d have to start getting used to every other day without him, too. If you went to the arcade or watched movies or sing-screamed the lyrics to English songs you don’t know the Japanese translations of without his presence there, you know how it wouldn’t feel the same. In life it’s not what you do that matters, you’ve come to realise— it’s who you’re doing these things with. That’s what puts meaning to it all and makes all things done in your life worthwhile. 

The two of them pass you by during lunch. 

“[Last Name]? —Oh, hey!” Sasaki says as she turns around. 

You almost scream and run away like a mouse fleeing from the eyes of a vicious house cat, tremors in your voice. “Hello…” 

“Where’s Yuuji, by the way? The occult club’s going to fall apart without him.” 

You pause. “He transferred to another school…” 

“Huh?” she goes, Iguchi almost reeling back in shock. “Transferred? But why? We’ve barely even made it to the middle of the year!” 

“I… I don’t know, it was something really urgent,” 

23-6-2018 

Your room is a cluttered mess— lucky as you are that it’s the weekend, the past week has been a rollercoaster that knocked your room’s usual standard of cleanliness off track. Scattered all over your desk were worksheets, notebooks, graph paper pages and foolscap paper, chicken-scratch writing and meticulous notes scribbled all over them to compensate for your absence the day after the incident took place. 

It isn’t the time or the discipline you lack— it’s just that it’s going to be awfully tedious. You’ll have to wipe your desk again, and clean the walls, and sort through all your clothes, too, since you haven’t been folding them in any way that isn’t merely fastidious and nearly careless. So as you get to work, you suppose that calling someone wouldn’t hurt. 

Maybe you could call Megumi. That would be okay. 

For the past few years, you’ve never noticed it. So when you do, it hits you like a bullet train at the fastest of speeds. 

You miss him. Not just in the way you miss 2010, the way you miss the past, the way you miss and mourn the person you used to be. It had been so obvious for Tsumiki, but not for him, and now that you know this it’ll be another quiet revelation— another rediscovery of fragments of yourself concealed by memories. 

You miss him— all of him; you yearned to be his friend again because he was unlike Tsumiki who you knew cherished you as you did her; you miss him regardless of who he is now, because somewhere inside him is the boy who read dog books and brought you to the school library and ran your finger through water when you burned it. Somewhere inside him is the person who offered to hold your bag as he walked with you through a snowy garden, and helped you when your nose bled. 

So it would be okay to call Megumi right now. 

“Fushiguro speaking.” 

“Hi, Megumi. Are you busy?” 

“Not right now.” 

“Want to call?” 

“Fushiguro!” It’s Yuuji. “Wanna go—” 

“I said I’m not going!” 

You chuckle, “Be nice. Were the two of you supposed to go somewhere?” 

“Nothing important. Gojo said he wanted us to ‘bond’ with each other, so he concluded that we could watch a movie. Some kind of gory horror film or something.” 

He’s… actually making an obvious effort not to scold Yuuji that much or call him some insulting, derogatory term this time… wow. 

“Ah, yeah. Yuuji likes his horror movies.” 

“Anyway, anything urgent you wanted to tell me?” 

“No, I’m just… uh—” you laugh nervously, “I’m just a little bored.” Nowadays you’re not really sure what he’d do— scold you, maybe, or roll his eyes so hard that you can hear it over the line, or he may even flash into a quick bit of awkwardness and hesitation through his words. 

Or maybe— and this was the worst of it all, he’d ask why you were calling him, and his bouts of awkwardness would have only been something temporary, soon to be replaced once again by anger and annoyance, the same he gives to everyone else— even if you knew he didn’t always mean it, per se. No more special treatment for you. 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, uh… I have to clean, and usually it’s not as much as what I have to do today, so I just thought that since the only other person in the house is my father and we don’t really talk much anymore, we could, um… chat for a while. Yeah.” 

“Okay.” 

“Uh-huh, so.” You stand up, leaving your phone on your desk and putting the call on speaker mode. The mountain of papers and books is a wasteland and your desk has been degraded to a landfill— the state of it would make your mother a wailing mess— no, she’d faint instantly as soon as she saw it, becoming worse of a mess than the table itself was. “Anything interesting happened lately?” 

“Not really.” 

“Oh—! Yuuji sent me a picture of his uniform the other day. Was that one special?” 

“Yeah. But they let students make adjustments to the uniform, and he said he hadn’t changed anything, so I think that was Gojo’s doing.” 

“Oh, well, that’s Gojo. It suits him, though, right? Not to sound mean or be presumptuous, but…” you chuckle, “When you wear the uniform, you look so formal. It’s not a bad thing— it’s just that Yuuji’s just always been more casual like that. And the red of the hoodie goes with his hair, too!” 

“I guess so.” 

“I can’t imagine you wearing anything other than the default uniform, though. Not to insult you, I mean, you still look good in the normal uniform, I just— can’t imagine it.” You remark, sorting the materials and books by size and subject. You’ve got to handle some of the drawers, too, now that you’ve started and can’t stop your momentum just yet. You can already feel the dust particles that have gathered on whatever is inside them still, jostling around once you’ve taken them out. 

“If you’re going to say it like that, you can just say it outright.” 

“No, no! I mean that I just can’t imagine you wearing, like, Yuuji’s uniform. Wait, what do the other students’ uniforms look like?” 

“The second years?” 

“Yeah. Did they choose the normal ones?” 

“Inumaki did. They have three boys and one girl, but only two of the boys wear the normal uniform. Okkotsu has a special uniform in white.” 

“Oh, I see,” you nod your head, “It’s a nice uniform, though. I wish I could wear a uniform that pretty.” 

“You could always enrol yourself here,” he suggests, “They’d welcome you with open arms.” 

“Maybe they will,” you chuckle, “But my mother would be adamant on me staying in the ‘normal’ world. She’s unyielding like that.” 

“And your father?”

“Wouldn’t mind, at least I don’t think…” you say, “I’ll have to wonder when to tell him if I do end up in jujutsu high; you never know when he’s mad. He’s always unpredictable like that nowadays and it’s not… particularly pleasant.” 

“I see. It would be good if you were here, though. You would be closer to Dr Ieiri that way. And it would do good, because, um… well, I’d like you here. You’d be… good for the people around you here.” 

“Ah, you— you would?” you ask, slightly phased— not like he hasn’t been a bit nicer to you since you’ve seen him again (maybe it was the awkwardness, maybe it was the guilt). “Thank you,” you say, the corners of your mouth tugging up sheepishly, heading to the dusty drawer (you haven’t touched it in what feels like years, usually excluding it from your list of things to clean). 

After a scrupulous amount of wiping away at the dust outside of and surrounding it, you open the drawer with a slight bit of anticipation— you don’t expect much, but you’re a person who lingers on the past like a ghost that has forgotten how time has passed. There wouldn’t be much in this drawer to reminisce on, you presume, but you still approach it with an eager fascination— you’re the type to do so, after all. 

Of everything there, the most noteworthy are two things you grabbed almost immediately— you could never forget how they felt, and the weight that they held in your life back then: a letter, addressed but never delivered to the person you were talking to right now, and a cigarette with a hastily scribbled slew of numbers on it and a lipstick mark on its end. 

Oh, that letter. That letter.  

From what you remember, you’ve never rebelled against your parents before. At least, not with anything major— for a long time, you were their good girl, and you never disobeyed them, as much as you wanted to at times. You still are, still stuck with that age-old drive to be useful. (But was there even a point in that anymore? At least, was there one with your parents?). You didn’t picture yourself as any kind of righteous goody-two-shoes, but you definitely weren’t a rebel or a delinquent. You followed their instructions and seldom ever questioned what they told you, and so it had always been subtly implanted in your brain that they would be alright with anything you did or said. Yet the first time you did actually start to question them, you realised that their belief in your ‘obedience’ as pure love— and maybe it was; you loved them so much you were blinded and trusted them with everything and did anything they wanted their baby to do— you realised they only treated you so lovingly if you were not an actual person with your own ideals and beliefs. 

(But they still loved you, right?) 

Even now, you still do obey them and listen to them. If your father needed anything, he could consider it done; if your mother wanted her clothes to be patched up you’d try your utmost best to withstand the pricking of needles and bring it back to her hospital room with bandaged fingers. It was like that with your mother: even if at times it seemed like the only pain she wanted for you was callouses from a pen or pricks from needles, at other times you feel she could have known you’d end up like her, maybe. Maybe she saw it as a curse: the worlds the two of you were born in were different, and she wanted you to stay in yours, lest you die or live in a world of endless pain. 

You’ve been doing it for a long time: being dismissive of yourself, prone to self-prostration, subservient; the lovingness of a mother, the sweetness of a teenage girl (you hoped), the kindness of a caring friend. Maybe it was Tsumiki— maybe it was because you’d always seen this in Tsumiki. She was always smiling, always caring; taking on the weight of motherhood before she could carry the weight of her school bag. Hugging you with her saccharine smile; braiding her hair with gentle hands and holding your wrist with her hair tie on it even gentler. (You still have it with you. You had planned to start taking it off more once Yuuji left, but you suppose some habits take longer than a week to develop.) All while having that sickening, fantastical, mysterious sweetness of a teenage girl in what you now understand could have been a hidden misery— because caring for someone like a mother while suppressing the thoughts that spoke to you to act like a child was something you wanted to replicate until you realised you understood it. And then you no longer wanted to recreate it. (Maybe that was the way it was for every woman or girl you knew: watching someone you loved hurt themself or not being able to do anything to prevent it when they started. Life was a cycle that way. A very annoying, frustrating one full of unfortunate circumstances and wrongly-picked out decks of cards.) 

“…you know what? I think I may be able to come,” you tell him. 

“You don’t have to go against your father for our sake.” 

“No, don’t worry about it. I think I know who to ask for help. Thank you, Megumi.” 

“Hi, Dr Ieiri?” 

“Kid? That you?” she goes, the slightest bit of excitement stark against her usual deadpan tone. “I thought you’d never call because of that old man.” 

“Haha, yeah— sorry to disturb you, but, um, Dr Ieiri? I may want to take you up on that offer, by the way, but um, I’m still on the fence. I mean, I know I want to be like you and do what you do but… I don’t know, I’m not quite sure about leaving the two of them alone here and all. But anyway, I just called you because I wanted to ask if there was, you know, any way you could get me to Tokyo somehow. I need to pass something to someone, but, um… I guess I’m going with this with the hope that I’ll change my mind and join you. But I’m… perpetually on the fence for now, I guess.” 

“Pft,” she snorts, “You little rebel, I’m in. I’ll see what I can do.” 

“Thank you so much.” 

24-6-2018 

The decision and the plan were made as swiftly as you could. 

You decide to tell your father— you wouldn’t want to deceive him, after all. At least, you’d give him a quick notice. And then you’d leave. Like a snowflake before the first day of spring. He’ll probably tell your mother.  

“I’m leaving for Tokyo for a while,” you say, “I’ll be back before you can even realise I’m gone. Invitation from Dr Ieiri.” 

25-6-2018

“Why?” your father asks, the night before you leave. He suggested going out together at least once before you left. He always knew when you were making white lies. 

“I guess that maybe I’m just too much like you, Daddy.” 

For the first time in years he hugs you on the doorstep, patting you on the back on the day you’re set to leave. “Make sure you study and work hard,” he reminds you. 

“I’m leaving for Tokyo,” you announce.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving us for a boy,” she goes, rolling her eyes. She doesn’t even blink. 

“I’m not.” You are. 

“You know, your father travelled all over the country to see me again after we’d first met.” 

“Oh. Okay?” 

“And he’s always been dedicated to his job and dedicated to helping people.” 

“Uh huh.” 

“I’m saying that the two of you are very similar. I’ve lived through this story before,” she states, “And you look just like your father right now.” your mother says. She hasn’t smiled the way she used to— you remember it vividly, that vibrant gleam in her, the liveliest and loveliest of life— in ages and you don’t think she will, not now of all times. 

“Really? Sometimes he says I take after you more.” 

“You will.” 

It doesn’t feel like a curse. Even if it usually would make your heart well up in guilt, it doesn’t feel like a curse. 

Maybe she knows that her time is running out. Maybe this is resignation. Whatever it is, you hold her hand first, but you’re also the first one to let the other go, your fingers slipping away from hers. You leave the door for the last time in a while, making another round in your life of that carousel of abandonment and reuniting and departures. 

25-6-2018 

Dr Ieiri greets you with a calm smile on her pallid face. 

“Good to see you again.” 

“It’s good to be back here,” you sigh. 

It is. 

You keep your hand on your other hand’s wrist, holding them in front of you. The cherry hair tie on it feels warm against your skin as you exit the station, summer heat embracing it softly. 

taglist:

@bakananya, @sindulgent666, @shartnart1, @lolmais, @mechalily, @pweewee, @notsaelty, @nattisbored

(please send an ask/state in the notes if you'd like to join! if I can't tag your username properly, I've written it in italics. so sorry for any trouble!)

#WE'RE FINALLY ON TRACK WITH THE AO3 VER WOOO!! #jjk x reader #take me back (take me with you) #jjk megumi #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #megumi fushiguro #megumi #fushiguro megumi #megumi fluff #megumi angst #fushiguro megumi x reader #megumi fushiguro x reader #jjk x fem!reader #fem!reader #ruer writes #megumi x reader #jjk x you #jjk x y/n #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen x y/n #megumi imagine #fanfiction #jjk fanfiction

[mikaela-the-slut-expert]

hii lovely <3 it’s so good to see you again, i’m glad you’re back and i hope you’re taking good care of yourself. after reading sunshine headcanons 3, where Xie Lian would be the one to spank reader if necessary, it got me thinking, what if lil sunshine reader wanted to get some spicy tips and learned from somewhere to try and be a bit of a brat in bed 👀 ofc that doesn’t end well with his lovers and he gets the spanking and fucking of his life (with love ofc)

Sunshine Part 4

HuaLian x M!reader

It's long guys I hope it's good 🙏🥹

Spanking, edging, bondage, slapping, blowjobs, fingering, handjobs, improper use of Rou'ye, NSFW!!!

After being with Xie Lian and San Lang for so long, you want to try new things! After the recent breakage of vanilla boundaries in the bedroom you want to try something different. . . You're always so well behaved and you're always kind but you kind of wanted to try not doing that. Maybe it was a part of you that wanted to see your lovers be rough with you or maybe it was a part of you that deeply desired to show your lovers a side of yourself no one else gets to see.

The problem is you don't know how! Anytime you even think about trying to be bratty you can't do it. Xie Lian and Hua Cheng are just sweet to you and their praise and treatment make you want to be willing and behaved for them. Sooo you need somebody's help!

You find help through books, and people. You read many, many books and then you ask around ghost city and your good ghost gals if they can teach you some tips and tricks. Which they do of course. Who are they to deny you a fun sex life? So for a while you honestly practice by yourself to be bratty. You don't want to set your plan out and go back on it as soon as your lovers smile at you after all. When you finally think you've got it down your plan is set!

It's nearly night time and your lovers were out on a mission. You usually stay home at your lovers insistence. Soo when it's time for them to nearly be home you decide to start without them. You were never one to be active without your lovers but you wanted to do it tonight. Even though you're alone, you still blush in embarrassment when you spread your legs . You spend some time stroking your cock and fucking yourself with your fingers.

When Xie Lian and Hua Cheng come home, you don't even notice. When they walk into the shared bedroom, you cum at the same time they open the door. You throw your head back and arch against your fingers with a shrill moan. You weren't expecting a hand to clench around your wrist and wrench it away from between your legs. It's Hua Cheng who does this. He slips into bed and pins you down with a kiss to your forehead.

"We were expecting you to wait for us before we got home. Did you get lonely" Hua Cheng purrs in your ear and you bite your lip to hide a whine. He kisses your cheek

"No...", you swallow and glance at Hua Cheng, "I got impatient waiting. You took too long". You huff and look to the side with an angry pout. You squirm out of under Hua Cheng and slip your robes back on. "Anyways, how did your miss-". You get yanked back into bed by Hua Cheng.

"Oh don't be like that Baobei. We didn't mean to make you wait" he kisses the nape of your neck and loosens your robes. He wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you into his lap. Xie Lian comes closer and slides gentle hand between your legs to spread them. Usually you would allow this and let them put you in whatever position they want, but not tonight. You blush but snap your legs shut. "I don't wanna." You huff again with an attitude.

Xie Lian hums and tilts your chin up with a nudge. "Do you really not want to?" If one of you doesn't want to have sex usually it's just a no and cuddling instead. However you've got an attitude. Xie Lian's never seen you with one before in bed though. "Or. . . Are you just being a brat?" He hums and his hand holds your jaw, rubbing his thumb over your bottom lip.

You blush softly and take his thumb into your mouth before nipping on it. Hard. A slap resounds through the room. Your head snaps to the side and Hua Cheng looks up in surprise. His one eye darting over you and Xie Lian in shock. "Gege!" Hua Cheng cups your face and looks at the red mark left from Xie Lian but he's surprised to find a blush covering your face and a hardness growing between your legs.

Xie Lian slides Hua Cheng's hand away. "It's fine San Lang, he wants this. Right, Y/n? You want to be punished for being a brat, yes?"

You breathe out a shaky breath, "Y-yes". A moment of silence, a chance for Hua Cheng to back out. Hua Cheng nods and goes back to holding you in his lap. Your back to his chest "Well alright" he kisses your shoulder and takes your robes off, allowing them to fall to the floor. Xie Lian smiles and grips your face again. "Good." The scene continues.

You're a little embarrassed, they always embarrass you by forcing your legs open to show off your pretty dick. You blush darkly when Xie Lian gets on his knees in front of you and starts licking at. "Stay still for me Baobei, and maybe I'll let San Lang reward you." He purrs softly and kisses your tip. Still? You could most certainly try, but you're sort of aiming for punishment here.

So when Xie Lian takes you into his mouth, trying to ease you in, you grab his hair roughly and just your hips forward. This causes him to gag and pull off of you, while Hua Cheng takes more caution in holding you down. That kind of felt good treating Xie Lian like that. Hm maybe another time.

Xie Lian coughs and wipes his mouth. There's a tick on his brow and you know he's annoyed. "I thought you were going to be good, that was my mistake" he huffs and stands from the floor. Honestly Hua Cheng was a little worried for you, he holds into you tightly allowing your legs to close. He's not supposed to let you get away with it, but he's biased. Xie Lian reaches behind you and cups Hua Cheng's face. "San Lang", Xie Lian whispers, and leans down to kiss Hua Cheng's forehead, "Move".

Hua Cheng blushes and moves away almost immediately. It's a tone he hasn't heard in a long time. Xie Lian seems to let Hua Cheng's mistake slide but not yours. He fists a hand in your hair and pushes you belly down against the bed. You yelp softly and even try to squirm and 'fight' him back.

All of it is half assed attempts to get away and Xie Lian knows it so with a snap of he fingers Rou'ye shoots out and wraps around your limbs and body keep you stomach down against the bed but ass perked and legs spread. You scrunch your face when you feel the lithe bandage wrap around the base of your cock. That is not what you wanted.

You were expecting to be thrown around a little maybe hit but edging? Dreadful, absolutely dreadful. You whine loudly trying to squirm against Rou'ye and you curse the bandage in your head. Your thoughts are interrupted by a swat to your ass. "Ah! W-what was that for?" You pout, turning your head to look at Xie Lian but Rou'ye wraps around your throat and forces your head back straight.

"Did you think I was just going to leave you wrapped up in the bed for nothing" Xie Lian laughs softly and settles down behind you. He runs his fingers over the plush of your ass and then over your hole. "I imagined you wanted more than that?" He hums. He brings his hand down again, harder this time, but controlled.

Your breath hitches and you whine. "W-well yes but I want to be able to-" cum. But Xie Lian doesn't let you finish your sentence because he spanks you again.

"You think you deserve to after your blatant show of disrespect?" He smiles behind you. "Don't talk, just count for me. You're on three".

Xie Lian spanks you once more. "Mm! F-four" it's embarrassing. To count for Xie Lian's and being forced to look at Hua Cheng while you do it. You get to a steady rhythm and after about ten or eleven- wait which number were you on? You got distracted. Without noticing you had gotten comfortable and fell further into a sub space you hadn't even realized you were trying to rut against the bed. Shit. A harsh swat makes you pay attention again. Your ass stings.

"Y/n number?", Xie Lian hum in question and his fingers rub where he had just spanked you. He's kind of liking how red you're getting, and your cock that's wrapped? The bits of precum desperately leaking from it, he enjoys that too.

You bite your lip and groan softly. "U-uhm I, uh t-twelve?" There's a pause of silence leaving you to become nervous about your answer, then Xie Lian's hand comes down on your thigh, maybe he got bored of hitting just your ass. "That's wrong Baobei, and you had been doing so well too." Xie Lian clicks his tongue and stands up from the bed.

Your body shakes softly and you whine. You were doing fine! You just want to cum. You've been focusing on that for the better part of an hour now. "I didn't m-mean to, please A-Lian." You whimper, pulling against Rou'ye but he's much too strong. Xie Lian rubs a hand through your hair and shushes you. "You'll get something Y/n calm down."

Your mouth literally salivates when Hua Cheng settles in the bed in front of you and you see his cock out and hard. "Please, please, please A-Lang" you whine loudly but Hua Cheng takes mercy on you and scoots closer so that your head can rest on his lap. You however have different ideas and you greedily take his cock down your throat. "Mmh~". You moan around his dick and take him down to the hilt. Hua Cheng trained you how to do that after all. When you try to move up a hand pushes you back down, making you choke on Hua Cheng's cock.

You were expecting it to be Hua Cheng but it was Xie Lian. "Keep him here San Lang." You let out a loud whine when Xie Lian kisses Hua Cheng's cheek. Xie Lian only smiles at you and goes back to sit behind you, leaving you between them both. You take a sharp breath through your nose when, Xie Lian shoves his fingers into your hole and immediately goes to rub at your prostate.

The sting hurts but it feels delicious to you. You moan and slobber around Hua Cheng, and try to roll your hips, but it's hard when Rou'ye has you trapped. Xie Lian laughs softly and bullies your prostate with his fingers, his other hand wraps around your dick and his thumb teases your slit.

You didn't realize you were crying until Hua Cheng is wiping your tears and your snuffling around Hua Cheng's cock desperately sucking air through your nose. Distantly you hear Hua Cheng ask Xie Lian to let you cum and you whine.

Xie Lian smiles and places a kiss on the back of your thigh. "Hm he has been good. . ." Xie Lian juts his fingers into your prostate at the same time that Rou'ye unwraps from your body. Hua Cheng gets to watch your eyes roll back and you choke around his cock when you cum. Your seed covers your tummy and the bed.

Hua Cheng pulls you off of him and lets you rest in his lap. He runs his fingers through your hair while Xie Lian moves away to go grab a warm cloth. You're half asleep by the time Xie Lian has washed you off and all of you are cuddled in bed.

"Y/n did you like it?" Xie Lian blushes and kisses your head. "I hope I didn't treat you too roughly?"

You giggle and smile kissing Xie Lian's cheek. "I enjoyed all of it" you hum softly and cuddle close to both of your lovers.

#tgcf #tgcf headcanon #hualian #hualian x reader #hua cheng x reader #tgcf hua cheng #tgcf xie lian #xie lian x reader #tgcf hualian #tgcf x male reader