#[ hes such a bastard but he Cares and i am very normal ab that </3

[marinehero-a]

thinking about garp and thinking about how garp rly did just pick up a couple of strays (koby and helmeppo) and how he trained them and likely (to an extent) cared for them and how they rose through ranks and thinks about how that what was he wanted for luffy and ace and thinks ab—

#{ ooc } ✗ 「 wenp reporter 」 #[ LIES ON FLOOR #[ rye is Once Again thinking ab this old bastard #[ looking @ w7 and how helmeppo called himself idiot son and other things and just koby n helmeppo both character development real #[ and they worked hard ofc but does think ab garp in bg being proud of them... he does care ab his brats #[ hes such a bastard but he Cares and i am very normal ab that </3 #[ n just thinks ab garps position in the marines Again and how it conflicts with his love for his family but he is a legend for reasons #[ and— #[ my brain is just the same 3 thoughts going around like a microwave gjsjgkdk head in hands need to get back into writing #[ motivation/energy... return to me.....

[froggibus]

Daddy Issues - Soldier 76

Pairing: Soldier 76 x reader

Genre: fluff but its a lil suggestive

Word Count: too many for this prompt 1.5k

Summary: in which your little crush on the Commander doesn't go unnoticed, and he wants to see just how far he can push you

CW: young! Soldier, Overwatch days, reader is shy + gets flustered easily, fainting, teasing, Soldier is a bastard

reader is described GN but is described to be blushing/having red cheeks a lot! i know this description may not fit everyone so i am putting this here to not waste time/ruin the immersion!

ok anyway im too lazy to write today so you guys can have my drafts lmao anyway enjoy <3 i am very down bad for this man anyway

————

John Francis “Jack” Morrison: super soldier, Overwatch commander, the best of the best, and unfortunately for you, a total DILF. 

The man was gorgeous. Despite working closely with him and Overwatch for years, you still couldn’t even look at him without getting flustered. Stuttered words and red cheeks had become a staple of your conversations with Jack, and all you could do was pray he didn’t notice. 

Unbeknownst to you, it was common knowledge among the other agents of your little crush on the Commander. Jack himself had always found it somewhat cute regardless of the teasing he received from Ana and Reyes, and found himself wondering how much it would take to push you past the breaking point. 

“L/n,” Jack’s voice boomed, “can I talk to you for a second?”

You squeaked, the tips of your ears burning, and approached him. You were painfully aware of the looks the two of you were receiving along the way. 

“W-what’s up?” 

“I was just wondering if you’d be open to taking on a mission next weekend.”

“Oh,” you looked everywhere but his eyes, trying to hide the desperate flush on your face. “I-I can for sure. Who’s all going?”

“It would just be you and I.”

If your face was burning before, it was an inferno now. A mission, all alone with Commander Morrison? 

“I-I…”

“Come on, y/n,” he rested a hand on your shoulder. 

His touch on your shoulder and the way he was looking at you sent butterflies to your stomach. You stuttered out a bunch of words that essentially meant ‘yes’, and that was good enough for the Commander. You walked away quickly, covering the lower half of your face with your hand. 

Ana Amari laughed, “come on, Jack. Give y/n a break.”

“Mind your business,” the Commander said, but even he knew he was pushing you a little hard. 

—

It was the dead of night, and you were yet to sleep. It had been too hot and then too cold, and then your mind could not stop racing. Thoughts of Jack and the mission filled your head. 

As soon as the clock ticked to 2:22am, you found yourself rolling out of bed and slipping your feet into your slippers. You tiptoed your way down the hall, being careful not to wake any of the other agents. You knew how skittish they could be, especially in the dead of night.  

You made it to the kitchen and turned on the kettle, sitting at the counter and waiting for it to boil. Soft footsteps behind you made you whip your head around, your eyes settling on Jack. 

You immediately flushed at what he was wearing. A pair of grey sweatpants, no shirt and bunny slippers. You couldn’t help but look at his bare chest. He was all shredded muscles and perfectly carved abs. Duh, he’s a super soldier, you thought. 

“What are you still doing awake?” He asked, your eyes flicking up to meet his.

“I-I could ask you the same thing.”

He shot a glance at the steaming kettle, “couldn’t sleep, I guess.” 

“Same here,” you nodded, your gaze once again slipping to his bare stomach. 

He smirked, knowing full well where your gaze was. The words tumbled out before he could stop them, “like what you see?”

You instantly hid your face in your hands, trying to avoid looking at him. Jack cursed himself—he was normally so composed, so in control of himself. Yet, he couldn’t stop himself. 

“Jack!” You squealed, voice going up an octave. 

He laughed slightly, “hey, I’m just teasing.”

He wanted to say that he also liked what he saw, but he thought that was a little too far given your current state. Still, he thought you looked gorgeous. In your pyjamas, hair a complete mess, looking all sleepy and cute. 

“S-still,” you mumbled, finally peeling your hands away from your face. You grabbed a mug from the cupboard and set a teabag in it, “I’m too tired for this.”

Jack backed off for now, deciding to give you a reprieve you from his teasing. The image of you all flustered and trying to hide your face was burned into his mind, and it would suffice for tonight. 

—

Combat training was your favorite part of the week, making every Monday somewhat bearable. Usually, you would pair off with Ana or Angela, given they were around the same skill level as you. 

Today, though, Morrison had claimed you before you could even say anything. As soon as he announced the two of you would be partners, your face was pink tinted and all thoughts left your brain. 

“So, what do you want to work on first?” Jack stretched his shoulders. He was wearing a pair of track pants and a tight blue Overwatch shirt that clung to his abs. 

Memories of the other night in the kitchen filled your brain, setting a fire inside you. “I could use s-self defense practice,” you admitted. 

“Okay, I have a few ideas then.”

Before you knew it, he was positioned behind you, grabbing your hips tightly. He tugged you towards him slightly, your hips slamming against his. You let out a soft whine, instantly pressing a hand over your mouth. 

Jack mumbled in your ear, “too much for you?”

You shook your head quickly, grateful that he couldn’t see how hot and sweaty your face was. “I-I can keep g-going,” your voice was an octave higher. 

You tried to focus on anything but the pressure of his hips against yours, his hard chest on your back, his warm hands on your hips. 

“Okay,” he said and moved an arm up to around your shoulders, and stretched the other around your waist. “So if I were to do this, what would you do?”

He gripped you tight enough to pick you up off of the ground. His touch was so intense it was hard to concentrate, taking you a minute before you could remember the steps. 

You twisted in his grip, ducking under the arm on your shoulder and using it as leverage to turn him around. You held it tightly behind his back. 

“Good, really good,” his praise made you flush, “but you have to be faster than that in the field.”

In an instant, he broke free of your grip and threw you over his shoulder. He tossed you into the ground, cradling the back of your head and the small of your back as he did to break your fall. You landed with a soft groan, Jack on top of you. 

His face was only a few inches from yours, a smirk plastered on his face. Your heart raced in your chest, hammering against your rib cage. The blood rushed to your face. There was no way he didn’t notice how flustered you were. 

“You’re cute when you’re flustered,” he noted. 

Blood roared in your ears. You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to move your hands to cover your face, but he was holding them down.

“Ah, ah, ah,” he tsked. “Why are you trying to hide from me?”

You shook your head, eyes still closed. “I-I’m not.”

“Then why can’t you look at me?” 

“Cause you’re so close to me!” 

He laughed, letting go of your hands, “I thought you’d like this position.”

That was your breaking point. Your heart raced faster, so fast it was almost painful, and your breath caught in your throat. You couldn’t speak, you couldn’t breathe. Your skin was unbearably hot, as if it would melt off your bones any second.

“Y/n?” Jack backed off, “are you okay?”

He blinked at you, waiting for you to respond. When you didn’t, he completely got off of you. You managed to take in one, gasping breath before everything went dark. 

—

You woke up in the infirmary, a blanket wrapped around you. Your head spun, and when you opened your eyes, there were four Jack’s sitting on the end of your bed. You blinked a few times, and all but one of them disappeared. 

Jack was staring at you with a mix of caution and excitement. “How are you feeling?”

“G-good, I think.”

“Good,” he sighs in relief. “Ana would have killed me if you weren’t.”

“What even happened?”

“You fainted,” he said. “I’ve never seen anyone get so flustered from sparring before.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, “you’re a jerk. I know what you’ve been doing—and it’s mean!”

“It’s not my fault you look so cute when you’re embarrassed!”

Your face flushed again, and Jack looked at you cautiously. “You’re not going to faint again, are you?” He asked. 

“I-I don’t think so, why?”

“Because I can’t kiss you if you pass out.”

Your face burned, but your heart still beat normally. “Y-you really want to kiss me?”

He answered by cupping your cheek and closing the distance between the two of you. His lips smashed against yours, sending electric shocks down your spine. You moved against him and tangled a hand in his hair. 

“You’re sure you’re not going to pass out?”

You tugged on his shirt, “shut up,” and kissed him again. 

#overwatch 2 #overwatch #ow2 #overwatch x reader #overwatch x you #overwatch fic #ow #xreader #overwatch headcanons #soldier 76 #soldier 76 x reader #soldier 76 x you #jack morrison #jack morrison x you #jack Morrison x reader

[qqueenofhades]

So... Fedyor's and Ivan's first intimate night together sounded like it went off to a good start 👀🙄👀 (how to ask for deleted scene of that without asking for deleted scene)

Anonymous asked: so what you’re saying is, is that Fedyor was the first person Ivan slept with both consensually and where there was actually like a “yea i can’t wait to see you again” on both ends

yea no...i have NO feelings that make me feel soft about that AT ALL. nope. not at all.

thank you again for all your writing, i really look forward to everything you post!

Anonymous asked: Your highness, many praises for "the better half of me" , specially chapter 3. Humbly requesting another Fivan Smut.

You are all thirsty and demanding little busybodies and I salute that.

Have an extra-special Fivan First Time in Phantomverse Full Length Smut Chapter. It follows immediately on from chapter 1 of a sky full of stars, and is also available on AO3 for your sexy reading pleasure. Please note that this chapter is very definitely rated E, and can be found below the cut.

The bedroom door has barely closed behind them by the time they are kissing again, in deep, gasping gulps as if they cannot possibly bring themselves to stop. Fedyor grips Ivan’s shirt in both fists, pulling his head down and biting at his mouth, as Ivan utters a growly little chuckle deep in his throat that drives Fedyor even more insane. He has all kinds of plans about how he’s going to make the bastard suffer for the excruciating little pantomime he just put him through, but right now, he’s still too drunk on the euphoria of actually getting to do it. Ivan kisses like he punches (or at least so Fedyor presumes, since he’s never actually seen him do it): hard, straight, deep, and utterly without mercy, and Fedyor is already addicted to it. He steps on Ivan’s feet, then swings him around toward the bed and gives him a shove, and Ivan laughs out loud as he stumbles backward and sits down with a jerk. He looks startled but pleased at this evidence of ferocity. “Oh, Fedya, you are mad, aren’t you?”

“Very,” Fedyor informs him, hopping alternately on each foot as he yanks his sock off the other. “Because you are a dick.”

“But that seems to be something you’re into, huh?” Ivan says, with a dark, alluring playfulness that does absolutely nothing to get any of Fedyor’s wayward blood back into his head. He crooks a finger. “Come here. I thought you were swearing to punish me.”

“Oh, I am.” Fedyor strides to the bed, still fuming, and hops up onto Ivan’s lap, straddling him and bracing his knees on either side of Ivan’s hips. Then he reaches down and takes Ivan’s face in both hands, tipping it back and lowering his opened mouth to Ivan’s mouth beneath him, hot and hungry and soft and hard and relentlessly insistent all at once. Fedyor grinds his hips against Ivan’s, making both of them groan, until something occurs to him, and he pulls back. “Just to be clear. We’ve recently had some, um, communication issues. We need to be very certain that we both know what we’re intending here. I’m asking you to have sex with me. Is that also what you are doing?”

Ivan looks at him as if he’s either very dim or very adorable (possibly both). “No, why do you think that?” he says, giving Fedyor a brief heart attack. Then he adds, still utterly straight-faced, “After all, I often passionately kiss people that I am not at all intending to sleep with. Especially on their bed.”

“Oh my God.” Fedyor lets go of Ivan’s face and punches him in both shoulders. “I cannot believe I like you so much. You are the worst person.”

“Mmm?” Ivan turns his face up, his arms slipping around Fedyor’s waist and pulling him closer, their lips meeting and musing, as Fedyor’s hands stray to his back and slide up beneath his shirt. His fingers explore the hard, sculpted muscles of Ivan’s torso, their faces pressed together, their tongues slipping into the other’s mouth, as Fedyor scoots up on Ivan’s lap and Ivan puts one hand under his ass and hitches him still closer. When they break apart for air, Ivan murmurs, “I would also very much like to have sex with you now, Fedya.”

“Was that so hard?” Fedyor asks, with a bit of a huff. “You utter troll.”

Ivan quirks an eyebrow devilishly, but doesn’t deny it. Then he pushes Fedyor off his lap, provoking a little whine of deprivation on Fedyor’s part, and stands up. As Fedyor stares at him in bemusement, since this is not normally the next action performed by someone who has just declared their carnal intentions to you, Ivan unbuttons his shirt, pulls it off, and folds it neatly before putting it on the chair. He then does the same with his undershirt, and even though the scenery is spectacular, Fedyor has to ask, “What are you doing?”

“I am taking off my clothes,” Ivan says, as if Fedyor might have recently gone blind in addition to his other deficiencies. “I believe that is often a necessary prelude to having sex.”

“Yes, but – ” Fedyor feels once more blindsided, which might be a recurring theme when it comes to Ivan Ivanovich Sakharov. “Don’t you think we should – I don’t know – slow down and enjoy it? Let me do it? Or – something?”

He isn’t sure if Ivan’s version of sex involves nothing more than stripping off, pumping away, and then falling asleep immediately afterward, but he hopes not. Either way, even if they are now properly using their words, there is still no guarantee that they are actually communicating. Ivan unbuckles his belt, unzipping his jeans, and Fedyor springs off the bed, catching and holding them at his hips as he’s about to pull them down. “It’s not that I don’t want you to do that,” he says. “I very much do. I just – do you have another appointment tonight or something? There’s no rush.”

Ivan looks down his long nose at him, eyes crinkled in confusion. “I don’t understand. You said that you wanted us to have sex, didn’t you?”

“I do, I really do. Ugh.” Fedyor swallows hard, which doesn’t make his throat any less dry. “It’s just, haven’t you ever heard of foreplay?”

He uses the English word, because saying something like эротическое стимулирование (roughly “erotic stimulation”) is about as sexy as a colonoscopy. Then he wonders if perhaps Ivan hasn’t heard of it at all, but that doesn’t seem likely. He reaches out and puts his hands over Ivan’s, as Ivan himself is still looking supremely baffled. “It’s okay,” he says. “I want this. I want you. I just – you surprised me, that’s all.”

“You should be more direct, Fedyor Mikhailovich,” Ivan informs him, in a bossy voice that really shouldn’t turn him on as much as it does. “So explain what you want, if it isn’t this.”

“This is my fault?” Fedyor pokes Ivan in the ribs (partly because his abs are something to behold, Fedyor can’t keep his hands off, and he dearly desires Ivan to suffer at least twice as much as he wanted him to suffer before, which is saying something). “I wasn’t sure if we were dating for two whole months, now you come in and – and – ”

He splutters into impotent silence, since he doesn’t know why he’s arguing with Ivan when he really wants to be kissing Ivan, and when obviously nothing has happened that he actually objects to. He shakes his head, swears to himself, and says, “Okay. If you’re in the mood to lay down clear parameters, what do you – what do you want? What are you expecting? Hand job, or blow job, or you know, uh, full sex? Or something else? I have condoms and lube, I’ve done most of the usual stuff before, but nothing too insanely kinky. Not that that’s bad, if you’re into that. I could be up for experimenting. Just tell me what you’re expecting from me, what gets you off. I want this to be good for you.”

Ivan looks at him with the expression of a man who has been handed the wine list at a gourmet restaurant and asked to select just one. When he doesn’t answer, Fedyor finally begins to get a sense of what might be going on. Ivan might have had sex before, as evidenced by his no-nonsense undressing, but making love – that doesn’t even appear to be part of his vocabulary. There’s an uncomfortably long pause, as Fedyor’s words hang in the air. Then he asks, his voice very soft, “Do you even know what you like?”

Ivan starts to answer, then stops. He looks away, almost as if he’s ashamed, and his Adam’s apple moves up and down as he swallows. Then he makes an odd harrumphing noise, as if he’s trying hard to sound like his normal gruff self. “I am not a virgin, Fedya.”

“That’s not what I asked.” Fedyor takes a step closer, running one finger along Ivan’s broad shoulder, the strong arch of his collarbone, the heavy muscle of his upper arms, the fine, rough hair of his forearm, his big hands and long, capable-looking fingers. Ivan closes his eyes, a restrained shudder flowing through him, as if he is holding his breath. Fedyor lifts Ivan’s hand to his mouth, turning it up and kissing the calluses on his palm. Still more softly, he says, “It’s okay, Vanya. You can tell me anything.”

“I don’t – ” Ivan harrumphs again. “Fine. You know more about this than I do. I have not – before, with the others that I have been with, it is…” He shrugs defensively. “Look. I am not bad at it. In fact, I am quite good. I can show you, if you don’t believe me?”

He makes a grab for Fedyor’s belt, since Fedyor himself is still fully clothed, but he steps back and gently pushes Ivan’s hands down. “Hold on,” he says. “I did not ask you to sleep with me because that was all I cared about, only getting myself off. We don’t have to do this. We can just cuddle, or – or watch Die Hard 2, or something else. You know that, right? I still want to see you again even if we don’t sleep together right this very instant. I also do want to sleep with you, but if you’re not comfortable – ”

“No, it’s…” Ivan is clearly struggling to articulate a concept that he might not have ever processed consciously. “No, it’s not that. I want you. I want to do this. I want to make it good for you. I promise, I absolutely do not want to watch one of those baffling American movies more than I want to sleep with you. I just don’t understand why you don’t want me to…” He makes a helpless little gesture, encompassing a multitude of sins. “You know.”

“I do, I do want you to.” Fedyor reaches out and takes both of Ivan’s hands in his own, pulling him in so that their hips to brush, their chests touch. Their heads tilt down, their mouths coming close again, both of them shuddering at the jolt of electricity that burns through them, the raw, chemical need to be kissing again, to get back to what they were doing before their pasts so inconveniently intruded. “But I want to take care of you too, and I don’t think anyone has ever done that before.”

Ivan is silent. So silent that Fedyor is afraid that he’s somehow said the wrong thing, and has to finally venture, “Vanya?”

“Ah.” Ivan’s voice is thick – which sounds for a moment, though Fedyor has trouble ever imagining it from this man – as if he might be brusquely choking down tears. “Ah, but Fedya. I thought you said that I was the worst person. Earlier.”

“I did, but that’s not…” Fedyor lays one hand against Ivan’s cheek. “I was joking, okay? Teasing you. Because you like to tease me. I didn’t actually, literally mean it.”

Ivan lifts his head, his eyes raw and vulnerable and luminous in the sliver of city light that pries through Fedyor’s bedroom curtains, and Fedyor can see the fragility beneath the iron, the delicate soul that lies somewhere deep in this tough, scary, grumpy, standoffish man. It breaks his heart in half and puts it back together all at once, and he can’t think how to respond, how to answer, how to do anything but he does, which is to cup Ivan’s head in his hands again and sway back forth. “Vanya,” he breathes, enchanted by the way it sounds on his tongue, a key to a secret world that belongs to them alone. “Oh, Vanya.”

With that, he pulls Ivan close, Ivan doesn’t resist in the slightest, and they kiss so long and so slow and so deep that it feels as if it invents its own sort of time. The world turns one way before that kiss, and after it, it turns another, as Fedyor reaches up, unbuttons his own shirt, and shucks it off. Softly he says, “Vanya, would you like to come to bed with me now?”

“Yes.” It bursts from Ivan as if it’s the only thing he can think of, something that he barely feels worthy of but wants more than life itself. “Yes, I do.”

“Okay.” Fedyor reaches out, undoes the last clasp of Ivan’s belt, and pulls it off, followed by his jeans. Ivan stands still as a statue, as if he was perfectly willing to undress himself but having someone else do it is almost unfathomable, and a shiver runs through him from head to toe as he stands there in nothing except his briefs. Fedyor looks him luxuriously up and down, then says, “Do you want to take off mine, or should I?”

“Oh, I’m doing that,” Ivan orders, sounding more like his businesslike self, as he steps in and removes Fedyor’s trousers with a method that can only be described as “surgical efficiency.” When they have been disposed of, the two of them walk back to the bed together, and each take charge of stripping off their own underwear. Then they are in nothing but their skins, and the only thing that separates them is air. Fedyor feels that prick of instinctive shyness that you always feel the very first time you’re naked with a new lover, in case there’s some secretly grotesque feature that the others failed to mention and they are actually repulsed. He works out, he eats healthy, he takes care of himself, he can be confident that he looks pretty good. But there are always the weird moles, the wonky toes, the wibbly parts of yourself that you don’t like or don’t want to see in the mirror, and it’s been a long enough dry spell that it’s his turn to feel an unwelcome attack of nerves. He looks down at the floor, barely breathing.

“Fedya.” Ivan’s voice makes him look up. “Fedya, you are…”

He stops, clearly struggling for the words. He reaches out with one broad palm and ghosts it along Fedyor’s arm, then does the same with the other hand, gripping his biceps. “Beautiful,” he says almost disbelievingly, but not as if he’s in any doubt that it applies. Only that he’s in doubt that he gets to say it, that he gets to be standing here and seeing this, that it’s so much more than he has ever dreamed or felt like he deserved. “You are beautiful.”

The low, reverent whisper of his voice, the way he sounds like he has been stabbed through the heart and utterly slain, makes gooseflesh rise in cold ripples along Fedyor’s arms. He’s outwardly confident, he has had no complaints from his past lovers, he is clearly the one who will have to take more of the lead here, but he can’t recall that anyone has ever said that to him in that awestruck tone of voice. He bites his lip, moving closer again as Ivan continues to touch him, lightly and softly and slowly, as if he’s never actually done this with another man while they’re both naked. In fact, Fedyor realizes, it’s almost certain that he hasn’t. Ivan looks startled and intrigued and turned on all at once, getting on his knees and running both hands down Fedyor’s hips, the lean lines of calf and thigh, circling around his ankles and the tender hollow of the bone. Ivan even investigates Fedyor’s toes, which he can’t recall a boyfriend ever doing (except for one weirdo off Grindr with a foot fetish, who was rather swiftly disposed of). Fedyor giggles, a little unsteadily. “Come back up here.”

Ivan runs both hands over the tops of his feet, then slowly makes his way northward again. He still hasn’t ventured anywhere 18+–rated, as if he is taking his time about getting there now that he knows their night together isn’t contingent on him giving Fedyor an orgasm as quickly as possible. He stands up and touches Fedyor’s collarbone and shoulders, his chest and nipples, the muscles of stomach and back. Fedyor used to swim competitively, and they’re still pretty trim, if he says so himself. Ivan draws the rough pads of his fingers over Fedyor’s skin, provoking another round of shivers, until Fedyor is feeling very adored and worshiped indeed but also almost out of his damn mind with lust, and in the mood to progress the activities to those of an explicitly adult nature. “Vanya,” he says breathlessly. “You are very sweet, but I really want to fuck your brains out. Is that okay?”

Ivan looks surprised. Then he laughs. “You want to fuck my – ?”

“As you would put it, that is normally implied when I say that, yes.” Fedyor tries not to shift too impatiently, but he might pass out if there’s any less blood in his head. He makes a demonstrative gesture at himself. “I’m suffering here.”

“Ah,” Ivan murmurs, with the air of a repairman confronting a difficult but fascinating mechanical problem. “Then we have to do something about that, of course.”

With that, he sweeps Fedyor up and carries him bodily to the bed, settling him down on the pillows and clambering onto all fours above him. He makes a move as if to finally go down, then stops. “You said that you had condoms. Do you want one?”

“If you’re just going to…” Fedyor is tryingto focus long enough to produce coherent speech, but it’s an almighty struggle. “You know. I’m clean, I’m not – I don’t – any diseases or anything.” Great, look at them being all adult and responsible and attempting to practice clear communication and safe sex, but he is desperate. “You’re fine to just, uh. Go for it. For the love of God, please go for it.”

Ivan considers for a final moment. Then he braces himself on both hands, slides down, and does at last, and comprehensively, go for it.

Fedyor jerks, clutching fistfuls of the bedclothes and involuntarily arching his back, as Ivan reaches up with one hand and pins his hip flat again. He doesn’t break stride, sucking Fedyor’s cock down deep and then licking a slow stripe up the underside, swirling his tongue elegantly around the tip and working him over until Fedyor is swearing profusely and doing his best not to thrash. Instead, he links his ankles around Ivan’s shoulders, sturdy and strong and moving in time to the bobbing rhythm of his head, digging his heels into the unyielding muscles of Ivan’s back. Ivan doesn’t let up on him until Fedyor is whimpering for mercy, on the very edge of coming, and seeing double. Then Ivan pulls away, his mouth wet and obscene, as he wipes it with his hand. “How are you feeling up there?” he asks, as if he doesn’t good and goddamn know. “Do you want me to finish this?”

“It’s either that,” Fedyor manages to get out, “or I murder you.”

“Tut, tut.” Ivan grins, adopting a mocking scold. “For someone who claims that you like me so much, you do threaten violence quite often, my fierce little Fedya.”

“Do not call me little.”

“Mm, maybe not.” Ivan leans down and kisses very low on Fedyor’s stomach. “This isn’t little, I’d say.”

“Ivan Ivanovich Sakharov, I swear – ”

“Shh.” Ivan pushes Fedyor’s legs to either side, holding them firmly down with each of those notably large and obnoxiously capable hands, and then goes back to finishing his work. It is, by any metric, a resounding success, and Fedyor loses track of empirical reality, his higher faculties, and for a moment there, his own name. When he finally returns to earth, he can only make out the sight of Ivan propped up on one elbow next to him and looking insufferably smug. “I told you that I was good, didn’t I?”

“Yes,” Fedyor mutters, still feeling as if his spinal column has been removed. “Yes, you did say that.”

Ivan leans down to kiss him again, his mouth still tasting saltily of Fedyor, and they roll over in the bedclothes and make out for a few moments, as Fedyor hasn’t figured out how he is going to take his revenge but is determined that it will be spectacular. They need a few minutes to recover and stagger to the bathroom to drink some water, then return to the bed and flop down side by side like beached whales, giggling helplessly. Fedyor has had a boyfriend or two, but he still isn’t sure that he has ever experienced anything quite like this, the ebbs and flows, the mess, the daze, the delight, the enjoyment of the interlude just as keen as the activities themselves. Their fingers grope toward each other and clutch hold, as Fedyor lifts Ivan’s hand to his mouth and kisses it. They pant and wheeze in an undignified fashion, with no attempt to look pretty or perfect or like anything except sex-stupefied horndogs in their first post-orgasmic haze, which is what they (or at least Fedyor) absolutely are. But no matter how resoundingly he has gotten a happy ending, he has not forgotten his own plans to inflict one likewise upon Ivan, and he wants to do a very thorough job of it. Especially since Ivan doesn’t necessarily know what he likes, this is going to require a bespoke basket of boutique sexcapades, all of which makes Fedyor sound like a much more experienced lothario than he actually is. Yet as is the case in everything, practice makes perfect.

When both of them are on the road to recovery, Fedyor sits up. “I am going to conduct some important science experiments on you,” he informs the intrigued-looking Ivan. “If I do anything that you don’t like or that does not feel good, you tell me, okay? And I will stop. But you have to tell me. Not just put up with it because you think that it is what I want to do or whatever. What I want to do is to make you happy and to help figure out what you like, and I can’t do that unless you tell me what you really feel. Yes?”

“Yes,” Ivan says slowly, as if he’s trying to contemplate the idea, to wrap his head around it, and then finally manages to do so. “Yes,” he says again, louder. “I trust you, Fedya.”

Fedyor smiles at him, then reaches over, opens his bedside drawer, and pulls out his lube, squeezing it into his hands and working it until they’re warm. Then he sizes up Ivan like a painter deciding where to make his first stroke on the canvas, reaches down, and takes Ivan’s erection gently in his palm, sliding his thumb slowly up to the base of the thick shaft. A dry handjob is no fun for anyone, so Fedyor makes extra-sure that there is enough lube, watching Ivan’s face to be sure that this is going well. “Mmm? How about this?”

“Fedya,” Ivan says, sounding a little breathless. “You are very beautiful and you have my cock in your hand while you look like absolute sin. I do not need a chemistry experiment.”

“Good to know.” Fedyor bites a grin, feeling slightly diabolical himself. He tries a few strokes, slower and then faster, changing the pace and pressure, as Ivan is the one suddenly scrambling for purchase on a swiftly tilting planet. But before he brings him all the way off, Fedyor lets go, re-lubes his hands, and turns Ivan over, stroking along the muscled curve of his ass and circling around his entrance. “This?” he asks. “How does this feel?”

“Fedya – ” Ivan bites another curse. “What do you think?”

“Words, Vanya. Use them.”

Ivan rolls his eyes at the heavens in mute appeal, as if this must be his divine punishment for being such a snarky bastard (and, you know, he’s not wrong). “It feels good,” he grits out. “Do you want me to write a dissertation? With footnotes?”

“No, that’s fine.” Fedyor teases at him, opens him, slides one slick finger into Ivan’s tight and intimate heat, pushing and circling until he can slip in two. Ivan growls, recoiling up onto all fours, as Fedyor climbs up behind him and positions himself more conveniently for continuing his work. He reaches around with his free hand and takes hold of Ivan’s dick again, matching the rhythm of his strokes on the outside to the insistent pressure on the sweet spot inside him. When he finds the right place, Ivan actually yelps, and Fedyor smirks. “That,” he informs the very startled Ivan, “is where the man’s G-spot is located. It is the sensation of pressure on the prostate that feels so good. Did you know that?”

“I did not know I was dating a – ” Ivan breaks off to swear. When he stops swearing, he manages, “A fucking professor of anatomy.”

“Maybe a fucking professor.” Fedyor has to pay attention to what he is doing with both hands rather than witty banter, but he leans forward long enough to catch the shell of Ivan’s ear with his teeth. “Or a professor of fucking. Take your pick.”

“God almighty,” Ivan manages through his teeth, the muscles in his forearms straining as he braces himself on Fedyor’s mattress, and this right now, this should be carved in marble by Michelangelo (also a noted devotee of gay sex, if Fedyor recalls) and kept there forever just like this, perfect. “You are actually going to kill me, Fedyor Mikhailovich.”

“I did promise payback.” Fedyor increases the speed to ruthless levels. “Maybe next time you won’t be such a little shit, huh?”

Ivan is gasping too hard to really put much heat into it, but he still manages to aim a look over his shoulder suggesting that if this is his “punishment,” then Fedyor should probably get ready for maximum little-shitness at all times. Fedyor supposes that it is a bit counterproductive of him to reward bad behavior, but then, he’s already admitted that he is completely gone over Ivan Sakharov either way, even and (inexplicably) especially when he is such a total, godforsaken grump. He can feel in Ivan’s body that he’s close to climax, perhaps the first one that has ever been deliberately and carefully coaxed out of him like this, and feels an indecent, shivering thrill, even beyond the simple physicalities of what they are doing. It’s bewitching, intoxicating, as necessary as blood and as sweet as ambrosia. That Fedyor could be responsible for reducing a man like this to utter, incoherent cursing, the barely bridled strength in Ivan that could tear someone else apart, completely yielded up to his will, trusting him to take this body, this heart, this soul, and do whatever he pleases – to trust that it will not hurt. Fedyor is only beginning to grasp what must lie under all this, but it breaks his heart nonetheless. No, he swears, knowing somehow that even if this is their first night together, it will not be the last. I will never, ever let someone hurt you like that again.

It’s only a few more moments until Ivan is completely, outrageously losing it, as one of Fedyor’s hands turns warm and sticky and the fingers of the other are clenched slick and tight until it seems as if they have briefly been melded into one flesh. Then, as Ivan is still flat on his stomach and gulping whooping breaths as if he has been chased by a train, Fedyor smirks, pulls both hands carefully free of their entanglements, and goes to the bathroom to rinse off. When he returns, Ivan is still in the exact same position as before, and Fedyor climbs onto the bed, unable to resist a little poke. “Are you alive?”

“No,” Ivan says, voice muffled. “Ask again later.”

“Good.” Fedyor slides down next to him, throwing his arm over Ivan’s sweaty, trembling back. “So, it is fair to say that you liked that?”

“I think it is fair to say so, yes.” Ivan’s voice is extremely dry, but he shifts and rolls over to face Fedyor, their noses brushing in the dark, their heads very close on the pillow. “I shudder to imagine what you are going to do to me next, you demon.”

“Oh,” Fedyor says in a voice low with promise, reaching for the quilts and pulling them up around their waists, their naked, entangled bodies. He can definitely feel the sheer sweet satisfied sleep of sexual satiation pulling at him, but he pushes it off. He doesn’t want to do that, not quite yet. He wants to lie here in the dark with Ivan in his arms and savor every instant of what has just happened, play it back in his head, be sure that he doesn’t ever forget, not as they both should live. “Just you wait. I have plenty of ideas.”

#ivan x fedyor #heartrender husbands #fivan #a phantom in enchanting light #pel asks #anonymous #ask #fivan ff

[mischiefandspirits]

Last Laugh (1 of 3)

“Oh, I noticed,” Red X said lowly, tossing the staff aside. “What that idiot was thinking letting Flamebird send you all the way across the country right after Batkid got blown up, I’ll never know.”

Robin flinched back at the accusation before his fists clenched at his sides. “Then you’ll be happy to know no one sent me here. It’s just where I ended up when Batman decided he didn’t want to work with me anymore and tossed me out.”

The story of how Dick ended up with the Titans in Batkid and Robin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Richard?”

…

“Richard, may I come in?”

…

“If you do not want me to come in then you need to tell me.”

…

“I’m coming in.”

Light filled the room for a moment then disappeared. The bed shifted and a hand settled on Dick’s back.

…

“Barbara told me what happened.”

Heat. A ringing in his ears. “BATKID!” “Red Wing, please!” Digging. Bodies. “No. Jason.” A mother and son… or a pair of acrobats… Blood. Footprints leading to tire tracks. “My son, I’m so sor-Robin? Robin, get back here!”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

“Why can’t I come with you and Jon?” “You’re not quite ready for a space mission yet, Richard. I’ve talked to Father, though. He said you could patrol with him and Jason until I return so long as you two don’t get into too much trouble.” “We’re not that bad.”

“I’m sorry,” Dick said, his voice hoarse.

“Imagine how mad he’ll be if I’ve clipped the wings of a baby bat and a baby bird on the same day!” Zap! “Haha! Aw Jeez, I hit Batkid harder than that!” “Shut up!” “So,” a groan, “the first Demon Child taught you a,” a hiss, “a few tricks, hahaha!” “I said shut! Up!” “Hahahaha!” “ROBIN!” “B?” “He’s had enough.” “He killed -” “I know. I… I know.” “Don’t worry, Boy Blunder, you’ll join him soon enough!” “What are you talking ab-” “Robin! Move now!” An explosion.

“I killed him.”

The hand started rubbing circles into Dick’s back. “That’s not true.”

“If I hadn’t attacked him like that, if I hadn't beaten him as bad as I did, he would have made it out.”

“He was the one who set off the explosion, Richard. That’s not on you.” The hand shifted up to Dick’s shoulder and tugged him closer to the warm presence next to him.

He pressed his face into the warmth as another hand came up to card through his hair. “B thinks it’s my fault.”

“Father doesn't think anything right now. He’s still processing his grief. We all are. You are not at fault for what happened. If Joker is dead -- and his body still hasn’t been found so we don’t even know if he is finally gone -- then it is no one's fault but his own.”

Dick shook his head. “I shouldn’t’ve attacked him.”

There was a pause, then a sigh. “No, you should not have. It was extremely reckless and we… You could have gotten yourself killed. You are extremely lucky Joker had not expected you to be with Father so you were able to catch him off guard. Impulsive behavior… It’s already taken Jason, you can’t let it take you too.”

Dick’s fingers dug into his calves from where his arms were wrapped around his legs.

“I found my mom.” “Batkid? B said -” “It’s okay. She said Joker isn’t here. It’s safe. We’re going to talk inside so no one sees us.” “But -” “I can talk her around, Red Bird. I know I can. Please, don’t tell B. She’s my mom.” “O-okay. Just be careful.” “It’ll be fine. She said he won’t be back for hours.”

She lied.

“It wasn’t his fault.”

“I-That’s not what I mea-”

“Yes, it was.”

Another sigh. The warmth moved away so the hand in his hair could come down to cup his cheek. It brushed away his tears and tilted his head up, but he didn’t look at the face hovering over him. “Richard -”

“I wanna be alone now. Please.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m tired.”

There was a beat, then the hands and warmth and face moved away. “Alright. Get some rest. I have to go talk to Father. If… I am here if you need anything.”

Dick nodded and laid down with his back to the warmth.

The light came and went.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they returned from Ethiopia, Bruce told Dick he’d be benched for a month. It was partly to give his injuries from the fight with Joker time to heal and partly as punishment for running off to said fight. Damian had agreed when he arrived back on Earth a week later and Dick accepted the punishment without complaint.

By the end, though, he was itching to get out of the manor. He hated being trapped in one place for too long. With the media going crazy over Jason’s death, Bruce had managed to arrange for him to finish the last few weeks of school from home and Damian decided they would remain at the manor instead of heading back to their house in Somerset. It was a longer commute to work and patrol for Damian and meant Dick couldn’t run around the neighborhood to visit with his friends, but it was also more secure against paparazzi.

Dick wouldn’t complain since he knew he deserved it, but it didn’t stop him from feeling trapped.

On the day he was meant to go back on patrol, he was skipping through the halls in anticipation of stretching his wings and releasing the tension that had built up under his grief and guilt. He went looking for Damian once he got home to see if he wanted to spar before dinner. When he couldn’t find him in his room or studio, he went to see if Alfred, Bruce, or Selina knew where he was.

“- for a month. I think that’s a fair amount of time.”

Dick perked up when he heard Damian’s voice and ran up to the door to Bruce’s study.

“I don’t mean he should stay on the bench. I meant Robin should be taken off the roster altogether.”

He froze, hand inches from the doorknob.

“I know he shouldn’t have gone after Joker -”

“It’s not just that. Dick… He never should have been brought into this life. He’s not like us and he was too young.”

“I was younger than him when I started out as Batkid,” Damian snapped.

“You were raised by assassins. He had a normal life before you involved him. He deserves a normal life. I know you wanted to help him, but this isn’t the way.”

Bruce was angry. Dick had known that. He didn’t think Bruce would take Robin away from him though. Robin was… his purpose. His place in the family. Without Robin, he didn’t have any reason to be there. And if he wasn’t there…

“Heard Wayne’s taking Grayson.” “Really? Knew his old man liked strays, but I thought he stuck to animals. Why’s he coming for the kid?” “To honor Brucie’s memory? Hell if I know.” “Well, whatever reason, I hope the kid can behave.” “Yeah. Lord knows Wayne hates people at the best of times, can’t imagine how he’ll take to having a brat running around.” “He’d probably return the kid the first time he acts up. Doubt the poor ***** will get another chance too.”

No, Dick couldn’t lose Robin. But Dick was Damain’s partner and Damian wouldn’t let Bruce do that, right? Right?

Why wasn’t Damian saying anything?

“This is what Richard needs,” Damian finally said after a few moments, but the happiness at his words was overshadowed by the ice sliding down Dick’s spine from how calm Damian sounded.

Why wasn’t he mad anymore?

Was… Was he starting to think Bruce was right?

“No, it isn’t,” Bruce said.

“How is he any different than the rest of us?” Damian asked, voice still calm.

“You were raised by assassins. As was Cass. Duke was in a gang. Tim raised himself in that damn empty mansion and spent years trailing after us through Gotham’s streets with nothing but a camera. And Jason lived on those streets.”

Tearing up, Dick wrapped his arms around himself. He knew he wasn’t as smart or skilled as the others, but he’d thought…

“Dick might not have had a typical childhood, but he had a happy one. He grew up with an entirely different mentality than us. You saw how he looked when he went after Joker.”

Dick flinched. He remembered the rage that had flooded through him. He knew he shouldn’t have gone after Joker. That it was stupid and reckless and wrong. Not justified vengeance, just plain old revenge. The very thing Damian had tried to instill against when he’d started out.

But at the time all he could think was that Jason was dead, had been murdered like his parents, and his family kept dying around him and Joker was to blame. He hadn’t meant to go as far as he did, he hadn’t meant for Joker to die!

He just wanted everyone to be safe.

The worst thing, though, was that as much as he wasn’t proud of how he’d run off and put himself in danger, as terrified as he was that he had killed someone, he didn't regret what he’d done to Joker.

“He doesn’t belong in this life, Damian.”

Dick froze. No. No! Losing Robin was one thing, but to not belong…

“I understand.”

Dick staggered back, hand coming to his mouth as the tears fell. He quickly ran back the way he’d come before the sobs could start.

They couldn’t… They couldn’t!

It was one mistake! It was a bad one, but he knew the others had had bad mistakes too. They couldn’t get rid of him for that, right?

Except the others were Bruce’s sons, and he was just Damian’s foster kid. He thought it hadn’t mattered that he wasn’t really family on paper, but maybe it did.

“You’re not getting a family, circus freak.” “Yeah, foster kids ain’t family. They’re just a paycheck.” “Or some rich bastard’s charity case.” “Either way, no one actually cares about them even if they have to pretend to. And no one would care about someone like you.”

Dick barely stopped himself from slamming the door behind him as he staggered into a closet. He dropped to the floor, pressing his knees into his eyes.

He couldn’t go back to juvie. Losing Robin would be torture, but going back to that hellhouse would kill him. Maybe even literally.

He technically wasn’t as defenseless as he was last time. He was sure he’d probably be able to take anyone that tried to hurt him if he tried, but he wouldn’t be able to try. He wouldn’t be Robin going in. He’d be Dick Grayson, former foster son of Damian Wayne. He couldn’t use any of the skills he’d gained as Robin without risking his identity -- former identity -- and the identities of the rest of the Bats by extension. And he would never do that, even if they did return him.

No, he couldn’t go back to juvie, but where else could he go. It’d been made pretty clear both when he got there and when he left that there was nowhere else he’d be sent. Maybe Babs or Cass would take him? Or maybe they could talk Damian around? Duke, Steph, Tim, and Selina would help, right?

Unless they thought Bruce and Damian were right.

“I understand.”

No, they would talk them around. They had to.

Except Bruce and Damian -- like the rest of the family -- were stubborn. Would the others be able to talk them around before they shipped him off?

Maybe if he could buy them time…

He couldn’t go back to juvie.

Dick scrubbed his eyes and got up to slip out of the closet.

His first stop was the cave. He couldn’t grab his normal suit without anyone noticing, but the updated version had just finished testing and hadn’t yet been equipped with trackers. He stuck it into a lockbox alongside some gear.

Then he was up in his room. He stuck the box into a duffle bag with his travel toiletries.

Before he could grab anything else, there was a knock on his door.

He quietly zipped up the bag and knocked it under the bed as he called, “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Richard. Can we talk?”

Dick dropped onto the bed. “Yeah, sure.”

Damian came in with a plate of cookies.

Dick grabbed one, but didn’t press up against his guardian like he normally would.

“You already know why I’m here,” Damian sighed.

“I overheard you talking with Bruce. You’re…” He clenched his fingers around the cookie as he looked up at Damian. “Don’t do this, please. I can be better. I-I won’t do anything like this again, I swear! Please, you can’t! We’re a team. We’re partners! You said so yourself! You cant… you can’t just toss that aside! Toss me aside!”

“It’s not like that, Richard,” Damian said, setting down the plate.

“Then what is it like!” Dick snapped and jumped to his feet, placing them eye-to-eye.

“This life isn’t good for you,” the young man said, meeting his gaze. “Bringing you into it, it was a terrible error in judgment. Father is right. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just doing what’s best for you.”

“It’s not like you forced me into it! I chose this! I want this!”

“You could have been killed, Dick!” Damian said, voice growing louder.

“I’m sorry! I let my emotions get the best of me! But it won’t happen again!”

“It’s over, Dick!”

“No! You can’t do this! I-I won’t let you! You can’t se-”

“Enough!” Damian shouted, then pressed a hand over his face. In a calmer voice, he said, “I’ve made my decision.”

“Dami, please!” Dick felt tears pricking at his eyes as Damian stood up and turned to leave.

“You’re going to stay here until after the funeral next week. We can talk more about what happens after once you’ve calmed down.”

“You can’t do this to me!”

“You’re better off this way.”

“Wayne is going to be the best chance you’re going to get, kiddo. The only good chance, honestly. I really hope this works out for you.”

“I hate you.”

Damian hesitated by the door, then shut it behind him.

Dick couldn’t go back to juvie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lines quoted or rewritten:

"Imagine how mad he'll be if I've whacked two Boy Wonders on the same day!" - Joker ~ Joker: Last Laugh #6

"Aw... Jeez... I hit Jason a lot harder than that." - Joker ~ Joker: Last Laugh #6

"Bruce... You... You can't! We're a team. We're partners! You said so yourself!" - Dick ~ Robin: Year One #3

"This was all a terrible error in judgment. Gordon was right." - Bruce ~ Robin: Year One #3

"It’s over, Dick! You’re better off this way." - Bruce ~ Robin: Year One #3

#batfam #reverse robins #dick grayson #bruce wayne #damian wayne #batkid and robin

[demisexual-deesaster]

Maybe Lilith x a new Siren/ ex bandit leader?? Just the conflict of her suppesed to be against her but falling for her instead

Ahhh this is an interesting ask! Thank you! I'll do my best to honour this request :3 In this HC, the reader will be the vault hunter! Major Spoilers for the fate of a character from Borderlands 3 included, so read at your own risk! Some non canon moments have been added too. Also, oof, this got really long I'm sorry haha

Moving into new Pandora territory because of the damn Calypso twins was annoying to say the least. More than three quarters of your bandits had become mutinous bastards, and you'd almost taken care of all of them, and had almost taken back your home, bit obviously, the Calypso twins had to ruin it with their grandstanding. You barely escaped with your life that day.

You meet Vaughn a few days later, and after seeing your 'super awesome banditness!!' he sent you on a super secret scouting mission, and after your concerns about this supposed Vault Key fragment, he assures you that it's in safe hands. "Go Sun Smashers!" He cheers.

When you return, it's to Vaughn hanging upside down from a chain, and when he sees you, he yells from happiness. "Oh thank goodness you're here! I was getting lonely all by myself! Yeah...stuff happened..." He explains everything to you. You and Vaughn haven't been the best of friends. While you're sarcastic, witty and quick on your feet, Vaughn is...the complete opposite.

You meet Lilith a while later, even if you have to rescue a robot and claim a COV Base as your own temporarily. That woman is no joke, and with the way her eyes sparkle, you know she means business. She doesn't seem overly enthusiastic about having to welcome an ex bandit leader, and when you realize that this is THE Lilith of the Crimson Raiders, your bandit instincts scream at you to turn and run.

Of course, you don't. You owe Vaughn that much. She warily tells you about everything that happened, even though her tone is light, you can sense it. She's probably desperate for help, given how COV trashed their HQ. As you're heading to the Holy Broadcast Centre, you truly wonder if this woman can be fully trusted, or if she can trust you.

But as you keep completing mission after mission for the Firehawk, it becomes clearer to everyone–Vaughn at least, as he won't stop teasing you about it–that you're probably one of Lilith's most favourite Vault Hunters. Oh yeah. You weren't just a Crimson Raider now. You were a Vault Hunter. Things were looking pretty good. Until everything went to hell.

After you rescue Lilith–she said she could walk, but no way were you going to let her, spluttering as she was– and carry her aboard sanctuary, you escape by the skin of your teeth. When Tannis calls you for something, you don't notice the brilliant blush that's dusting the Firehawk's cheeks. She starts calling you killer affectionately from then on, and you can't help but smile giddily when she does.

The crew of the Sanctuary, Lilith's family, are am interesting bunch, and you feel yourself becoming a part of them and caring for them more and more as the days go by. Be it sabotaging radios for Moxxi, scanning vehicles for Ellie, salvaging parts for Claptrap, killing people for Zero and animals for Hammerlock or finding logs and drops for Tannis, you enjoyed every last one of them.

*SPOILER*

Maya and Ava had breezed easily into your life, though Maya's death had been a big blow to the Raiders. You liked Maya, so it hurt even more that you were powerless to stop it. Ava had been assigned to you, so you were the one who held her back when Maya died. When everyone gathered on the deck, Lilith's back was turned away from the group. No one seemed to know what to say, their grief towering. So you thought to say a few words.

"I'm not good at speeches but...Maya was...strong, from what little I knew of her. Everyone here was very close to her, and I'm sure that they miss her more than I ever could. But I think if Maya were here, she'd want us to take the fight to them, to win for the Crimson Raiders, and to come out on top. So if anything...we don't just owe this to the world anymore. The Calypso Twins have to be stopped. We owe that to Maya."

During the speech, Lilith had turned to you, and her eyes were wide, brimming with emotion. You'd awkwardly cut yourself off, suddenly feeling like a child, and Tannis had taken over, but Ava had stormed off, bitterly spouting things about how you were there and should've taken action, and blamed both you and Lilith for her mentor's death. After everyone had left, you went to check on Ava, but the girl didn't let you in, so you went back to Lilith, the latter thanking you for checking up on the girl. "Did you really mean what you said?" She'd whispered, and you'd nodded. "Every word."

*SPOILER END*

It's slow, but after that incident, you can see the difference in behaviour when it comes to how Lilith used to interact with you before, and how she does now. Lingering glances, shy smiles–you didn't know Lilith could be shy!– and, something which took you by surprise the first time, hugs and hand holding. It's something you looked forward to everytime you went on a mission. A brief but small hand squeeze, and a hug that lingered too long when you returned. It was so obvious to everyone that even Tannis and Claptrap had begun to take notice.

After one particularly grueling mission involving that ass Killavolt, you were in Tannis' lab, the woman berating you for not wearing shock resistant shields as she dressed your bruises. "Honestly! It's like you want to be hurt!" She huffs, and five minutes later, she's told you to rest for a while until Rhys contacts your team. You'd begun to protest, shirtless as you were, when the door opened, and Lilith walked in, frowning. "Hey Tannis, could you help me with–"

Her eyes had widened, and you remember feeling a lot naked than you were. It would've been funny, had your eyes not been as wide as hers too. You willed your hands to move, but they stayed as still as led. Tannis meanwhile, was completely oblivious, and continued to poke your abs with her fingers, ignoring Lilith. "Just a moment Lilith. I have a very stubborn patient I need to examine."

It had seemed the words hadn't registered, because Lilith had begun walking towards you, and out of nowhere, she poked your abs. You yelped, wincing, a red blush colouring your face. "Lilith! Honestly! Stop poking my patients like that!" Tannis huffed. Lilith, startled out of her revere, had nodded and mumbled a "Sorry Tannis. Take care of yourself, Vault Hunter." Vault Hunter. Not Killer. Why did it feel you'd screwed something up? It was probably nothing, right?

So...turns out, it wasn't. Lilith had become increasingly distant. The hugs had stopped, and so had the hand holding. There was some tension in the air, though you didn't know why. Moxxi had assured you, telling you that this is normally how Lilith dealt with feelings, and while it was a comforting thought that your feelings were reciprocated, it still didn't help that Lilith was treating you like this.

After a particularly deadly mission involving the COV, where Tyreen herself had made an appearance. You'd been hurt really bad, but you'd saved the life of innocent people. An explosion had knocked you back, and you'd tried getting up, but had found yourself crushed beneath Troy's boot heel. "Careful Troy. That's my super fan you know! We don't wanna beat her up too bad!"

She'd echo cast your broken and beaten form across the galaxies. "What is up everyone! We've got a special video today. It's my very own superfan, the second biggest heretic in the universe! It's the Firehawk's Dog! Do you have anything to say, Vault Hunter?"

You'd said nothing, glaring at the camera instead. Troy had chosen to plunge a knife inside you, and you'd cried out in pain. "That's what I'm looking for! My my Lilith! You've been working my super fan to the bone! That's supposed to be my job! Well! There's no harm in sharing, right? Sharing is caring after all!" She winks, and smacks the camera with a cackle, and Troy decides, for added dramatics, to twist the knife in more. You scream, and their laughter is the last thing you hear, before you black out.

When you wake up, you're on Sanctuary, or, more accurately, in Tannis' lab. She tells you that the Calypso's had left you for dead in the desert, and that Ellie and Vaughn had helped bring you back. Everyone had been worried sick. It was a miracle you were alive. "Is everyone okay?" You'd croaked out, and Tannis had nodded. "Are you?" She'd asked, and honestly, you were a little sore, but you were fine.

"Lilith was beside herself you know." Moxxi says, and you realize with a start that she's been there the whole time. "After Roland and Maya...well...you can see why she has trouble getting close to people, trouble admitting she has feelings."

You understand what Moxxi means. At first, Lilith's apprehension was understandable. You were a former bandit leader, and she is the leader of the Crimson Raiders. Both of you should be hating the other, yet you'd grown impossibly close. Now, it seemed Lilith was fighting a war with herself, debating whether or not what she felt for you should be pursued.

"I need to see Lilith." You mumble, immediately knowing what you had to do, and ignoring Tannis' protest, you walked to her room. She wasn't there. She wasn't at the bridge either. Giving up, you walked back to your room, where you found her. She was on your bed, holding a picture the two of you had taken on Pandora. She'd looked up, when she saw you walk in, and you were surprised to see tears in her eyes.

For a second, no one moved. Then, slowly, you walked to Lilith, stumbling over to her, and she'd shit to her feet when you finally crossed the distance between the two of you.

Hugging Lilith for the first time in weeks felt amazing. You finally felt complete, as if two halves of a whole were reunited. "Are you okay?" You mumbled, and Lilith spluttered out a laugh. "You got stabbed, crushed under a boot and nearly bled to death, and you're asking me if I'm okay?"

"Yes." You said simply, smiling when you felt Lilith sag against you. "I will be." She whispered, and she was right. Both of you had already been through a lot. Both of you were hurting, but when she broke the hug, leaned in, a kissed you, again and again and again, you knew, that neither of you were okay, but both of you would be. In time.

Whoo! This was way too long for my first imagine, oof. Hope you enjoyed this, and if you did, don't forget to like, follow and obey!! ;) Kidding!!! Seriously though, likes comments and reblogs help us a lot!!! So please yeah? :3

#lilith borderlands #borderlands lilith #lilith x fem reader #lilith x reader #maya borderlands #borderlands #borderlands 2 #borderlands 3 #reader insert #vuxta-zwaki #asks #borderlands spoilers #borderlands 3 spoilers #troy calypso #tyreen calypso #cov #calypso twins #borderlands imagines

[witches-and-weirdos]

🧠 (One for each muse)

For Every 🧠 I Receive I Will Reveal One Fact About My Muse

Teemo has amazing knowledge in botany, toxicology, and most things that have to do with animals. He knows the body language of many wild animals as well as what their vocal signals mean. He also sketches really well, and he has several sketchbooks filled with animals and plants, mostly bugs.

Any sane person would assume Tristana is supposed to have severe hearing impairment by now. And while that is true, members of the Alpha Squad have access to special medical care, including magical healing and ward spells. To Tristana’s most joyous luck, the “Medic Mage” does know a spell for preventing hearing damage. She’s a regular visitor (and so is her squad.)She also gets an enchantment against explosions, which is why she can keep rocket jumping. The special round for that thing is relatively harmless of course, but it obviously isn’t completely harmless.

Inside, Abe waged a crusade against his weaknesses after his recovery. He was traumatized in many ways after the torture, but he managed to root all of it out. Well, mostly… He is still terrified of drowning under water for example, especially with his cyborg body easily dragging him down now. To counter this, he practices against it, when bathing, he keeps his head under the water and stays for as long as he can manage. Kiara is probably the only person he reveals these weaknesses to, and sometimes he asks her to help. With her holding him down and looking into his eyes, sometimes even talking to him when doing so, he can stay under water for significantly longer.

Kenith’s tribe didn’t have much tolerance for non-hetero people. They considered it unnatural and against what nature dictates. Therefore Kenith kept her first relationship a secret, as she found love with another girl. Uncle Aliot found out eventually, he warned them to be more careful, as he was glad that Kenith found happiness with someone, but the rest of the tribe may have different opinions. Kenith planned on revealing the truth once she would become The Guardian, using her status assigned by the tribe’s gods to challenge such views, but… Keronnen came… and murdered everyone…

Teron’s body is unexpectedly muscular. The many years of intense running, climbing and maneuvering through the rough Zaunite iron jungle of rooftops, pipes, cables and whatnot while wearing a heavy bag full of loot or food had understandably shaped him to possess quite an impressive form.

Mrazir likes reading books. It’s one of his hobbies for when he needs to rest.

If Kiara was to be hanged, her greatest regret would be that she didn’t get the chance to die in combat. Among her final thoughts would be a simulation of how she would massacre everyone nearby (guards, warden and the crowd of civilians all included) if she were to somehow escape the rope. She would consider different weapons to use, including the guards’ swords, a dagger, and sharp piece of whatever she could get her hands on (broken glass for example).[The inspiration for this is a real life mass murderer, Carl Panzram, who’s final words before execution were: “Yes, hurry it up, you Hoosier bastard! I could kill a dozen men while you’re screwing around!” He also ended his confession of crimes with: “For all these things I am not in the least bit sorry.”]

The tales Maryah’ mother told and sang to her about Ornn suggest that she has Hearthblood lineage. As her mother died early however, she never found out for sure. Though, it would explain a lot of things…

Sometimes, Erelle turns into a giant yordle-sized song-bird and sings with her feathered friends.

Avica had a relationship once before. It lasted for a decent time, but ended a few years before the Noxians wiped out her village. She hadn’t had a love interest since then.

Marla is a very orderly person. She has a schedule, she edits her calendar daily to add events to it and mark the current day, everything in her home has a place and stays in its place, she cleans her weapons regularly, the list goes on. She’s one of those people where if you find something misplaced in her home, you know she left in a huge hurry, or that someone else was there while she was gone.

Normally, Kai’sa would be able to have a child. However, her void-symbiote deconstructs and consumes anything in her body that it “thinks” isn’t needed. Even if it didn’t deconstruct the sperm in time (which it would), it would consider a fetus a parasite and make it a priority target. Kai’sa wouldn’t ever notice if it happened. She does not know this.Though honestly, this might be less horrible than what she will inevitably fear when she finally finds someone who isn’t afraid of her. She would be terrified of the possibility that she would have a half-void-half-human miscarriage, or even give birth to such a creature.

[multi-fandom-imagines8]

Too late?

Summary:  You and Dean like each other but won't admit it, and Dean doesn't like those feelings so he pretends he doesn't like you and sleep with many girls to make you hate him and so he could stop thinking about you. You eventually get in a relationship and dean didn't expect that and thinks it's too late to tell you how he feels.

Word count: 3214

You opened your eyes as the sun was shining on your face and a cool breeze touched your soft body. You woke up thinking that you are gonna have a beautiful day; after all you've been in this town for a week and yesterday you finally found the monster and killed it. Today you're finally going home. You jumped out of your bed, got dressed and knocked on the Winchesters' room. A blonde woman in her underwear answered the door. “I didn't order anything” she said before she turned around and asked “did you order anything honey?” You heard Dean's voice in the background saying no. She turned to you again and said “ I think you've got the wrong room maid!”. At this point you have had enough of Dean and knew that you must move on. As she was gonna close the door, you pushed at her and entered “ Really Dean?!” you said angrily. He was standing there with nothing on but a towel. “ Oh y/n good morning! I didn't know you were coming.”

“ It was a good morning until I saw you, co- could you please put something on?” You were distracted by his amazing abs and body and for a moment you forgot that you were angry at him.

“ Fine, whatever you say, but just so you know, you are the one who entered my room. Why are you here anyway?”

“ I....uhm I came to- to....talk to Sam, yup Sam about something. Where is he by the way?”.

“ I don't know, I haven't seen him all day or night.” He was now looking at the girl and flirting like always.

“ Never mind, I'll just search for him. I came to tell you as well that I'm ready to go home and I'm sure Sam is too, so take your time, no need to rush.” you said in a sarcastic tone.

“ Can't we stay one more night?” he asked jokingly. You looked at him in a way gesturing that if he said one more thing you're gonna kill him. “ I'm joking, I promise. Just give me a few more hours”.

You nodded and exited the motel room without saying a word.

You were sitting in the alley thinking about Dean and that girl and what they could be doing right  now. A few minutes later, Sam came with 3 coffees. He gave you one and said good morning. You smiled and thanked him. You told him that if he's thinking about bringing the coffee to Dean then he's still busy. He shook his head as he sat down next to you. You asked him where he slept last night and he told you that he rented another room. You punched him on the shoulder and told him that he could've stayed at your room. He said no he had a little research to do and didn't want to disturb you. Sam was like a big brother to you so sharing your feelings with him was easy. You knew you could trust him and that no matter what you say he won't tell Dean. “ So Sam, I have something that I want to tell you.”

“ shoot”. “ Uhm, well... how to I say this? You see Dean-”

“ I know”.

“ I haven't told you yet. How do you know what I'm about to say?”

“ Because I do. You have feelings for Dean, I know, I've known for a while.”

“ How did you know and why didn't you tell me?”

“It's obvious, everyone can see it except the two of you. I didn't say anything because I thought we were all adults and that you two would take matters into your own hands, But apparently you did not.”

“Sam, I can't continue like this. Every night he's with a different girl and he keeps pushing me away, on purpose, I can't go on like this, so I'm gonna move on. I've had enough of this, and please don't tell Dean okay?”

“If that's what you want. I promise I won't tell him.”

After a few hours Dean finally came and was ready to leave. There was a big smirk on his face that you wanted to wash away. You wanted to punch him right in the balls, but you didn't.

As you got in the car, you sat in the backseat with your headphones on and looked out the window.  You were quite the whole time, which is very weird, since you never shut up when Dean is driving.

He looked in the mirror and said “ Are you sick? Or did the cat get your tongue?” you took off your headphones and asked if someone said anything. He repeated the question. You looked at him in an annoyed way and told him you're not in the mood for his silly jokes. He looked at Sam and asked him what's wrong with you. Sam gestured that he didn't know anything. You said nothing is wrong with me, just because I'm not in the mood doesn't mean anything okay?

“ Whatever you say your majesty” Dean loved calling you by nicknames, specially when he wanted to tease you.

“Are you fucking serious? You kept me and Sam waiting for hours, while you were having fun with that blonde whore. You even made Sam rent another room, just so you can have some pleasure.” You spoke angrily. Sam tried to calm you down.

“ If you wanted to join us you could've just asked. I don't know why you're angry.”

“ Will you grow the fuck up? Join you? Even if you were the last man on the planet I wouldn't even consider it. Angry? I'm not angry. I'm just pissed that you made us wait.”

“ I'm sorry alright.” And there it was awkward silence. Until Sam saved the situation and put some music on. Neither you nor Dead talked to each other during  the ride home.

When you arrived you told Sam that you were going home to your parents and gonna stay there for a while.

Months have passed and you talked to Sam in a normal way but with Dean you didn't talk so much, you would just make the conversation short and formal. Both of you just drifted apart slowly. Until one day you invited them to a party. And the truth is Dean has missed you and was excited to see you. He dressed up and brought you chocolates. As he knocked on the door, a young woman opened the door, she was really pretty, but Dean didn't really care this time. He asked were he could find you and the girl showed him. A big grin was on his face as he entered the room, but that grin suddenly disappeared and his face turned pale. You were sitting next to a guy and you seemed intimate. Sam told Dean to continue walking and to say hi. As soon as you saw Sam you jumped on him and hugged him tightly, then you looked at Dean and he gripped you so tight that you could barely breathe, you were kind of surprised. Dean looked at the guy in dislike and grabbed a drink and you noticed, then you introduced them: “ Baby, these are Sam and Dean Winchester” “ Sam, Dean meet my boyfriend.”Dean immediately spit what was in his mouth in shock. And everyone was surprised by his behavior. Dean shook his hand and gripped it tightly, until you asked him how he's doing. You all sat down and Dean started interrogating him like he was some kind of criminal and that Dean was a detective. Of course the guy was decent and had a good job and Dean started to get jealous. He then asked him if he knew what you your job is. He said of course, y/n is a mechanic. I'm very proud of her. And kissed your forehead. “ A mechanic huh? Interesting” Dean said trying to hint to him that you're lying. Sam kicked his foot to shut him up. “ And what do you two do?” your boyfriend asked him. “ We are hunters, we hunt demons, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, monsters, you name it.” said Dean in confidence. Both you  and Sam looked at him eyes wide open and then you laughed and told your boyfriend that he's just joking and that he does that a lot. Sam said that they're also mechanics and that you used to work together. After an hour, Dean couldn't stand it any longer, because the guy looks perfect and there's nothing he could find about him. “ Sam come walk with me, I need your help with something” Dean said as he stood up and dragged his brother with him.

“ What is it Dean? And why are you acting like this?”

“Listen man, I have something to confess.”

“ I know”.

“ But I didn't confess yet.”

“ You have feelings for y/n.”

“ How the hell did you know?”

“ Because I can see. I'm not blind.”

“ You don't understand. I wanted to hate her but I couldn't. I tried to make her  hate me and obviously it worked.''

“ What are you talking about? She loved you, you idiot but you drove her away''

“ what? No. just listen. I wanted her to get away from me, not date some other douche.''

“ What did you think? That she was just gonna sit around and wait for you to not be together? because you clearly didn't want to be with her, so why are you surprised?”

“ I thought that she was just gonna stay away. I never expected her to do that!”

“ Why did you even do it in the first place?”

“ You know our lives, it's dangerous. People always die, people that we care about. There's always a price to pay.”

“ After all your efforts to drive her away she stayed and hunted with us, so what your excuse for that?”

“ Who's side are you on?”

“ I'm on no one's side. Now answer the question.”

“I didn't want to get attached okay! You know how it is with us. Our history with women we loved. They all died. And I can't lose her. I just can't. Not her.”..........Dean stood there for 30 seconds thinking about what to say and then he said “ So if her being with him will keep her alive, then so be it, if she's happy then that's all that matters to me, but that lucky bastard doesn't deserve her. I lost my chance, so I'll just stay out of her way and let her be happy.”

“ You are really an idiot, aren't you?”

“Yeah I am, I should have told her how I feel when I had the chance.”

“ That was a rhetorical question Dean! Can't you see that even with him she still loves you. Just talk to her man. It's never too late, and even if it was, at least you'll get it of your chest and be able to move on.”

“ Ok I will.” The two brothers stood in awkward silence for a minute before Sam spoke again “ What are you waiting for?”

“ Wait... You meant talk to her as in right NOW??” Dean questioned with a worried look on his face.

“ Yeah Dean now, when else would you talk to her? When she's engaged or getting married?” Sam said in a teasing tone.

“ What? She's not gonna marry him, is she?!” Now he had a look of terror on his face.”

“ If you stand here for too long she might.”

“ Alright I'm going, wish me luck or whatever”. You were sitting next to your boyfriend and both of you were laughing at a joke he told you. Then Dean came to you with a worried look on his face. “ Is there something wrong Dean?”

“Nope”......,”can I talk to you for a second?” he finally said.

“ Yeah of course, what is it?”

“ Alone , please!”. You had a weird feeling in your stomach and sensed what he was gonna say. You stood up and both of you went to a dark corridor. “ So what's this about?” you said in a normal voice trying to stay calm.

“ I wanted to talk to you about us.”

“ What do you mean us? There's nothing between us.”

“Cut the crap okay! I'm not good with words and you know that so I'm gonna make this short. You, me , we have a connection... “chemistry” as they say. You have feelings for me and I have feelings for you, so”.

“ So what? I'm not the one who spent months screwing around with hot chicks, or have been an asshole to you. You pushed me away! And now when I'm with someone else you don't want me to be? Well get over it. I finally moved on and found someone who actually appreciates and compliments me, you want me to what? Break up with him? I'm sorry to disappoint you but that's not gonna happen. You made your choice and I made mine. I respected yours, so please respect mine.”

“ OK, you're right.”

“ OK, you're right?!” you were now pissed at him “ Is that all you're gonna say?”

“ What else do you want me to say? I'm respecting your decisions.” he said ironically.

“ Oh  WOW! Don't use my words against me! You know  I've watched you with all those girls and my heart broke everyday bit by bit, until it was completely shattered. I LOVED YOU! And all you did was hurt me and tried to push me away! So you should be happy, you got what you wanted.”

“ I didn't want this. I never wanted this! I only pushed you away because I care about you and because Sam and me, we always lose people closest to us and I can't lose you. I can't even bare the thought of that. I LOVE YOU!” he finally said it. The three words that you wished to here all along. The three words that he couldn't ever say. But it came at the wrong time, wrong place. Now tears were in both your eyes and he was trying to hold them. “ It's a bit too late for that, don't you think?” you let out a sigh and gave him a sad smile.  A tear slid down your face as your boyfriend came and looked at both of you “Is everything alright, y/n?”

“ Yeah, why wouldn't it be? Come on let's go” you wiped the tear and put your hand in his as you walked away from Dean, you looked one more time at him before turning your head away.

2 weeks have past since the party. It was dark outside and you decided to visit Sam in the bunker.

You didn't have to knock, you had a spare key. When you entered the main room was dark and it seemed like no one is there. You turned on the lights and took the gun out of your bag. You walked slowly towards the corridors. “ Hello! Sam are you home? The lights were off, I just came by to say hi and see how you're doing” There was no answer, You continued walking and thought that he might be on a hunt with Dean. You decided to see if maybe Dean was home. “ Dean? Are you home? I came here to check on Sam....,. And you”. You heard glass breaking. The sound came from Dean's room. You rushed in and opened the door with the gun pointed at whoever was in the room. What you saw was a bit disappointing; it was Dean sitting on the bed, drunk, and a broken bottle on the ground. “Relax, it's just me! Or have you come here to shoot me?” he said with no strength in his voice, it seemed as if he has given up on the world. Seeing him like that made you sad. “ You look like shit, come on let's get you cleaned” you said with a friendly smile.

“ And you look as beautiful as the day I met you. In fact you look  even better. Sam's not here, he went to buy milk or whatever is considered healthy. So you can leave, I'll tell him you stopped by.”

You were now on the floor cleaning up the broken glass “ Actually that's not the reason I came. Sure I came to check on Sam and see how he is. But that's not the main reason I came.”

“ Then why did you come?”

“ To see how you're doing”

“ That's it?”

“ The truth is I couldn't stop thinking about what you told me at the party 2 weeks ago.”

“ I thought you were happy and that you moved on.”

“So did I, but apparently not. After a week my boyfriend got bored of me staring and thinking all the time so he asked me if I wanted to be with you”.

“And what did you say?”

“ I told him the truth.”

“ which is?” Dean slowly stood up and started to walk towards you.

“ That I still love you and want to be with you. So he told me to come to you”.

“ So you're here because he wanted you to come?”

“No. Because I wanted to come, since you told me that you loved me. But I didn't have the courage nor the strength to come earlier. I thought about the things that I would tell you, but couldn't find any.”

“ It's a bit late for that, don't you think?” he quoted you and you chuckled.

“ Maybe, but it's better late than never. Don't you agree?”

“ I'll have to think about that”. Ah, you let out a little sigh, you cut your hand with the glass. Dean quickly rushed to you and went down on his knees beside you. He held your hand and asked if you were okay. You told him you were fine. He kissed your hand and your lips. Then he helped you with the cleaning. After that you took off his shirt, which was stinking since he didn't shower the last 2 weeks. You then took him to the bathroom and helped him sober up a bit. Eventually you tucked him in bed and lay next to him.

#supernatural #spn #supernatural family #spn family #supernatural fandom #spn fandom #dean winchester #supernatural imagine #supernatural one shot #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fanfic #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester one shot #dean winchester fanfiction #imagines #fanfic #one shots #fluff #angst #fluffy #jensen ackles #gif imagine #gifs #gif #supernatural imagines #dean winchester imagines #sam winchester #multi fandom imagines

[venominyourcoffee]

Levi And His Robot Cat Girl Girlfriend

It was late at night, at least 3 in the morning. Ami was alone in her hotel room. The tv buzzes and plays advertisements in the background. With a screwdriver in hand, Ami was trying to do some maintenance on the gun on her leg. Ami’s eyes dart from her exposed leg wires and to a small tablet that hums and shows some instructions for maintenance. Ami speaks to herself with a focused tone as she tries not to get distracted.

“Let’s see, tight this bolt- secure this wire…” Ami let’s out a frustrated sigh as a though creeps in her mind. “Man, it’s late… where is he? If I have to bail his ass out again I swear.”

Ami hears a knock at the door and jumps slightly. Ami flips a mental switch and the gun retracts and the metal and synthetic plates cover the gun and resemble a normal leg. Ami gets up and looks through the peephole before opening the door. The sight that greets Ami is Levi with a satisfied smirk as he holds his side under a blood stained shirt. He lets out a huff and a snarky chuckle through the pain as he says “hey brat.”

Ami goes to help him walk but he quickly puts up his hand to stop her.

“Don’t touch me.” Levi said in a slightly annoyed tone. “I’m fine, went to some back ally doc. Bullet just grazed me. I just need to sit done.”

Levi limped his way to the big old couch in the main living room. He sits down with a groan and a sigh, as Ami stares with not a look of concern but annoyed. Ami speaks as she folds her arms and practically hisses at Levi. “Let me guess, Erwin again? Why get rich quick scam did you get mixed up in?” Levi’s brows frowned as he springs to his feat and uses his finger and thumb to grab Ami’s chin. He speaks in a low and clearly tired tone. “Listen to me! It was a decent score and we might get an even bigger paycheck. If this works I can actually get us what we deserve. Understand brat?”

Ami nodded and her ears slowly sank, she knew Levi wasn’t angry and just needed rest. Levi sat back down with a loud groan. He began rummaging through his pocket and pulled out a blood stained bullet.

“This is what shot me… it’s no ordinary round. When the Bastard shot it, it looked like it curved mid air. Do those little pretty brown optics of yours say anything?”

Ami focused as her optics scanned the bullet. After a few seconds Ami spoke as the data appeared in her vision. “Let’s see… came from a semi-auto pistol… low caliber… the manufacturer is the Armored Heart corporation? The only smart pistol they make is the MK 7 Mono. There was a huge factory recall of those.” Ami’s ears perk up as her tone changes to joy. “If the Heart Corporation is still allowing those to be sold, that’s against state code! Other companies would love to have kind of dirt! They’d pay through the nose!” Levi puts the bullet on a uneven table and flashes a devilish grin. “Exactly doll, Erwin set up a buyer and everything. For now I just lay low and wait. In fact doll how about some sleep? It’s past curfew.”

Ami nods and helps Levi lay down and the two fall asleep cuddling.

Ami wakes the next morning and doesn’t see Levi in bed, however she can hear the shower in the very close bathroom. Ami stands up and stretches. The sound of the close highway blares distant horns and sunlight filters through the tall buildings. As Ami stretched she can faintly hear the clicking of her joints and legs. Ami is lost in her morning yoga like routine, she doesn’t hear the shower stop or see Levi enter the room. Ami bends down to stretch and touch her toes until she jolts when she hears Levi’s voice. He whistles as he stand behind Ami, admiring his view. “My my, you may be an airhead Ami but damn your beautiful.” Ami blushes and she turns around to thank Levi. “Awww thanks babe I-“ as Ami turns she sees Levi is still naked and wet from his shower.

Ami’s eyes widen and she feels her face heat up, Levi looks unfazed as usual. Levi smirks as he walks past as Ami seems speechless by her man strutting his stuff. Ami can’t help but stare at Levi’s abs and of course what’s between his legs. Ami is so focused and flustered she slightly jumps when she feels Levi’s hand on her cheek. Levi smiles a little before he speaks in a teasing tone. “Like what you see? Well sadly I think I’m out of commission until the wound is healed fully. But maybe when we get back we can have a little fun.” Ami’s ears perk up as she composes herself and stutters as she speaks. “Yeah… wha- wait where are we going?”

Levi puts on underwear and pants and reaches for the bedside table and picked up a small chip like device. Levi says with a confidence filled laugh. “Forgot to tell you, Erwin dropped this off this morning. Not a lot but a good chunk of credits. Enough for us to have a good dinner and maybe I get you that dress you like.” Ami seems confused as she tilts her head and asks a question with complete innocence. “The pink and red one or the one that makes my ass look big?” Levi responds without missing a beat. “Doll every dress makes your ass look big, that’s why I buy them. To show the world your perfection and remind the world it’s mine.” Levi let’s a small devilish smile flash as Ami gets flustered again.

The two get dressed. Levi throwing on old jeans, a tight t-shirt and a leather jacket. Ami throwing on cut off jeans and a sweater. The two started their walk to the close by shopping district. As the two walked the sound of the urban city blare in the background. The sound of older car models hum on the street. Couples talk and fight in higher apartments as the higher end building skyline shines in the distance. Everywhere Levi looks he is reminded of one thing. This isn’t luxury, this is the world where you have to work and fight to survive. He knows he has to take chance but he knows not risk everything for nothing. But to him none of the fame or money means anything. What matters is every day he sees Ami smile. That one smile shows there’s still good in this world. That one smile is Levi’s one true joy he would fight tooth and nail for it. Ami knows she means a lot to him. However it’s hard for Levi to truly convey how much he cares, how much he loves her.

The two end up at the market place. Venders peddle second hand robotic tech and clothes. The occasional gang member collects protection money. exposed wires spark and bootleg transmissions talk in the background. It’s not the fancy kind of farmers market, but it’s a place where people make a living and you can buy decent stuff at cheep prices. Levi gently places his hand on Ami’s lower back to help guide her through the crowed and keep her close. Ami obliviously is just starting around and enjoying the day out. The two come across a small food stand that seems to be making breakfast food. The smell of fresh vegetables and synthetic condiments fill the air. The two sit down and ask the chef for two small breakfast melas and some coffee. The man nods and his robotic prosthetic beings preparing the meal.

Then man brings two cups of coffee and places two plates of bacon, eggs and hash browns. Levi starts eating but realizes how hungry he actually was and started eating faster. Ami smiles and laughs to herself as she eats more slowly. “Someone is hungry. Oh by the way you said Erwin dropped by, how is he? If you got grazed by a bullet I can’t imagine how he got out.” Levi slows down as he speaks with little to no emotion. “I got off easy, Erwin got really fucked up. When we got the info a security android ran up to him and broke his arm. When he came by our apartment his arm was in a cast. He looked high on pain killers too.” Levi went back to eating and Ami shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah I can’t say I blame him. Is he still using that hazard of a modded shotgun he made?” Levi chuckles to himself and he responds with a smirk. “Yeah, I swear that thing will blow his arm off one day. I half expect him to just throw it like a grenade one day.”

The happy couple continue eating until eventually Levi notices the chef slowly backing away. Suddenly a loud voice shouts from behind the two. “ACKERMAN!” Ami instantly flinches but Levi seems more annoyed since he knows who it is. The two turn around to see a group of three men in what can only be described as Apocalypse Clown attire. Messed up makeup, bats in barbed wire, leather jackets with big top color schemes and spiked Clown shoes. These guys would look so threatening… if there was actually an apocalyptic plot to this story. Now they just look like idiots in really bad cosplay with a clown fetish. Levi and Ami relax and Levi let’s out a deep sigh and has a tone laced with sarcasm and zero respect.

“Well if isn’t Max and the Big Top Bruisers. No wait you guys rebranded to The Quinn’s Gang right? I see your still rocking the clown aesthetic.”

The clown known as Max snaps back with clear anger. “You know damn well we are The Wild Cards right now! That- that doesn’t matter now. Long time no see Ackerman!” Ami speaks with complete innocence and dead pan delivery. “Didn’t I stab you with a fork at a bar a few days ago? And didn’t Levi kick you in the dick”

Levi quickly chimes in. “And he cried.” Ami responds with a blank expression and didn’t miss a beat. “Cried like a bitch.”

Max seems furious and snaps back like a child. “I didn’t cry! I am a clown of death and I spread fear wherever I go!” Ami and Levi exchange judgmental glares before both speaking in unison. “Really man?” Levi quickly ads with a mocking tone. “What, you gonna use your acid spraying flower on us? Oh maybe you’ll make a ballon animal and sick it on us?” Ami starts laughing and adds to the insult. “Oh maybe he’ll slip on a banana peel and make us laugh to death?” Levi let’s out a small chuckle and smiles at Ami before they high five. Max seem like steam is coming out his ears, figuratively speaking.

Max let’s out an angry grunt as he practically shouts. “Listen her you little shit! We heard you got dirt on a corporation, hand it over!” Neither Ami or Levi seem fazed by the yelling and Levi speaks with a slightly agitated tone. “Max, if a low life like you knows about my golden goose, don’t you think other higher gangs know?” Max looks a little confused but nods. Levi continues. “Then don’t you wonder why I didn’t just wake up with a bullet in my head this morning? If I have some easy money, why do you think other gangs weren’t waiting at my appointment?” Max let’s off a cocky laugh and smiles with a smug look. “Cause other gangs don’t know what a punk you are, or what easy pickings you are!” Levi sighed and let out a low tone. “Yup, your a moron.”

Levi throws his coffee cup in Max’s face, which shatters and spills hot coffee all over him as he falls to the ground crying in pain. In the confusion Levi springs up and in three punches to the stomach and face and one fantastic kick, he takes out of the other clowns. Ami quickly summersaults and wraps her legs around the third clowns head as she restrains his arms. With one quick motion the third clown is on the ground and in the tightest scissor hold he’s ever been in. Levi walks towards Max and grabs him by his glued on wig. Levi speaks calmly and in monotone. “Quick heads up, if you have dirt on a corporation don’t share it. The Corpo’s already know who’s involved and with each new party introduced, the payment gets smaller and more shared. Gangs wouldn’t even bother sharing the info cause it’s a lose lose for everyone. So fuck off. Amy let the man go.”

Ami let’s her legs go of the mans neck and he gasps for air. Ami stands up and brushes the dust off her outfit and walks to Levi’s side. Ami and Levi don’t even sound out of breath as they pay the chef and walk off. Levi’s hand rested on Ami’s hip as he pulled her close as they walk. Ami can’t help but blush as she says “there’s the man I love. I can’t help but love watching you fight.” Levi smiled and whispered into Ami’s ear in a teasing tone. “And I love watching those leg of yours go to work. Maybe we can buy a healing stem and you can work those legs for me at home doll.” Ami’s breath hitches as she shyly nods and squeaks out a response through blushed cheeks. “Y-yes sir.” Levi raises and eyebrow and smirks to himself when he hears the title.

The happy and slightly horny couple continued walking and window shopping as the day went on. Eventually a clothing store catches Levi’s eye. Levi talks with a warm smile, well as warm as he can be. “Hey Ami, how about a new dress? My treat.” Ami’s eyes sparkle and her ears perk up as she eagerly nods. The two head in as Ami looks for a new dress. Ami can’t help but hop up and down from excitement. Oblivious to her actions her chest moves as she jumps, which slowly eats away at Levi. Eventually Ami finds a dress she really likes. A short cocktail dress made from a latex material. Ami gets into a dressing room while Levi waits on a chair nearby. Levi notices practically no one is in the store. The only other soul in the store is the store clerk who seems very distracted by a magazine and loudly talking to a friend on her coms link.

Levi can’t get Ami out of his head. Seeing her jump and more importantly seeing her fight really got to him. Levi can’t help but let his hands slowly rest on his growing bulge as he tries to control himself. Eventually Ami opens the dressing room door wearing the dress. However she picked the right size, it seems the dress wasn’t meant for an Android with such assets. The dress barley covers Ami’s nipples let alone her actual chest. Ami doesn’t seem to even notice and smiles with pure innocence. “Well? Looks good? I love the color.”

This, seeing the woman he loves in such a fashion, this is what broke Levi’s resistance. Levi gets up and leads Ami back into the changing room and locks the door behind him. He manages to push Ami against the wall and rests his hand next to her head. With barely any effort, Levi slips the dress down and Ami’s chest falls out completely. Ami can’t help but pant and blush as Levi’s free hand massages her chest, as his fingers feel the softness and gets lost in her beautiful skin. Levi let’s out a small chuckle as he flashes a smile like a devil. “Damn babygirl, you have such an effect on me. You don’t know what you do to me. Maybe I have the strength to have you right here and now.” Ami stares deep into his eyes and almost gets lost in the feeling before letting shaky but eager words slip out. “I would love that darling.”

Levi acted on instinct as he attacked Ami’s neck with kisses and bites. Ami let out a moan before Levi used his free hand to cover her mouth. Levi’s breath was already speeding up, as he spoke with lust filled eyes and a smile. “Shhhh, be quiet brat. Don’t want anyone hearing you, do we?” Levi can feel Ami smile in his palm as she nods. Levi quickly helps Ami out of her dress as he steps back and smiles, admiring every curve. “Now we don’t want the dress to get dirty do- fucking hell… I forgot how beautiful you. And how lucky I am to have you to myself.”

Ami’s eyes widen as her checks burn and a flame in her core ignites. Ami can practically feel Levi’s eyes on her, as if his hands were caressing her voluptuous body. Levi has a hunger in his eyes as he can’t stop smiling. Levi’s hands find their way to Ami’s breasts as they message her. Levi forces his tongue into Ami’s mouth as it makes Ami start to lose focus. The two make out as if they haven’t met in months.

Levi pulls back and pinches both of Ami’s nipples hard, which earns a sharp moan from her. Levi speaks already with heavy deep breaths. “Oh Fuck brat, these pants are getting tight. How about you help me sweetie?” Ami nods as her tongue hangs slightly out of her mouth, her eyes seem glazed over with pleasure. Ami drops to her knees and fiddles with Levi’s zipper before dropping his pants and freeing his dick. As soon as the underwear comes off, Levi’s huge and hard cock springs out almost slapping Ami in the face. Ami’s mouth hangs open as she pants, as Levi’s hand rests on her head. Levi’s hand slowly massages her ears which perk and become sensitive. Levi speaks and Ami whines from the stimulation. His voice practically growling with animalistic lust. “Theres my beautiful brat. I saw you eyeing me up this morning. Well now you get what you wanted. Go ahead brat, eat up.”

Ami’s eyes widen and without hesitation, she slides Levi’s throbbing cock into her mouth. Ami’s wet and hot mouth extracts a loud moan from Levi, as his hand fists into her long hair. Levi speaks through fasting breath and his tone lowers. “Fuck! That’s so… good brat!” Ami bobs her head back and forth at a slow but decent pace. As Levi’s eyes squint at the pleasure, Ami’s hand slithers it’s way down her body and between her thighs. As Ami beings to rub between her folds, it causes her to moan and send vibrations through Levi’s twitching cock. Levi hears a knock and holds Ami’s head still, as he hears an annoyed voice. “Hey if y’all are gonna fuck in there, lock up for me. Keys are by the door. I’m going on a lunch break.” Levi smiles as he starts guiding Ami’s head back and forth as he snickers to himself. “Oh no baby, we were caught.” All Ami does is moan and blush.

All of this, her moans, his pleasure and building tension of release. It’s all of these factors that flips a switch in Levi’s head. Without ever saying a word, Levi pulls Ami off his dick and picks her up. He spins her around and pushes her on her hands and elbows. Levi quickly feels up Ami’s gorgeous skin and pulls Ami’s panties down. Ami pants and she shakes her ass in teasing fashion as she talks through shallow breaths. “W-what about your injury?” Levi digs his hands into Ami’s hips and smiles as he slides his dick against her dripping folds. Levi talks in a low tone and almost growls as he catches his breath. “Fuck my injury, I need you!” Without warning, Levi takes his dick away from Ami’s dripping heat and rams his dick hard deep into Ami’s asshole. Ami let’s out a sharp whine that evolves into a loud moan as Ami’s hands almost break the table she’s supported on with her grip. In a split second what feels like a deep pain melts into pleasure as Ami’s face makes an erotic expression as her mind shuts off. Levi gives a quick and hard slap to Ami’s ass, eliciting another loud moan. Levi digs his fingers into Ami’s hips and begins thrusting fast and hard.

Each thrust sends the echo of flesh hitting flesh. Each thrust brings a pleasured grunt from Levi, and a high pitched shriek of pleasure from Ami. Levi can’t keep but help talk during this moment. “Fuck, yes brat. We’re alone now, I want to hear you scream!” Ami’s eyes start rolling back as her free hand slips between her thick thighs and plays with herself. Ami let’s out broken words and moans as she sways with each thrust. “Oh fuck! Yes! More! Destroy my ass with your massive cock! Rearrange my guts! RUIN ME PLEASE!” These words of encouragement put Levi in a trance and his thrusts become fast. Like inhuman fast. Ami feels a growing fire in her core as she quickly finds true bliss and relief. However she may have climaxed, Levi doesn’t stop his thrusts. Ami can’t keep up and eventually regresses into a whimpering and moaning mess that begs for more and more. Ami’s voice cracks and reaches a high pitch as her words sound like broken prayers. “Please… more… please… fuck!”

Levi smiles as he hears his brat let out such pathetic begging whimpers. Yes he respects and loves Ami dearly. However knowing it’s so easy for him to make her scream, that’s something he takes great joy in. Levi thrusts as hard as he can, as Ami’s tight ass sucks him in deeper. With every thrust Ami’s ass flexes and becomes looser as Ami reaches a second orgasm with not a loud scream, but with a low whimper and a quiet curse under her breath. After a few minutes of Ami feeling like she’s going to pass out from pleasure and overstimulation, Levi grabs a fist of Ami’s hair and yanks back as he curses. “Fuck! Brat, take this!”

Ami feels hot and thick cum shoot deep into her, as Levi cums more then Ami expected. Levi’s cock twitches as he empty’s himself into his personal doll. There’s so much cum that it starts to leak out and drip down Ami’s thigh. Ami’s eyes roll back and all she can muster are small whimpers and broken yeses. Levi let’s go of Ami’s hair as he pulls out and takes a step back to admire his brat. Ami’s thigh shake as her legs feel weak. Her ass gapes and tries to re-clench at the sudden missing massive dick. As much as she clenches, her ass is wide open as it tries to wink at Levi. After a few seconds, Levi’s cum starts to drip, more like flow out of Ami’s gaping hole. Levi raises his hand high and gives a hard slap to Ami’s ass, which was the last bit of her strength gone as her legs give out and she falls to her knees. Ami sits in a puddle of hers and Levi’s cum that pools and stains her inner thighs.

Ami tries to catch her breath as she feels a rough grip on her throat, reach around and pull her sitting up. Ami was pushed against Levi’s thigh as his slowly softening cock twitches slightly in her peripheral vision.

Levi let’s out a low laugh as he talks to Ami while catching his breath. “Fuck… babygirl you did so good. My little brat really deserved that dress. Did you have fun darling?” Ami’s mouth hangs open for a few seconds as her head clears while she responds with a nod and a joyful tone. “Yeah… yes. That was amazing! But fuck my ass is sore… but I don’t mind.” Levi helps Ami to her feet and gives her a tight hug and a kiss to the forehead. The two mop up their mess and Ami gets dressed. As the two leave the dressing room, the find a note next to a key. The note reads. “When your done fucking in my store, lock up. The dress is on the house. That was the most interesting thing all day.”

The two laugh to themselves and lock up the store and head out, with the now partially dirty dress in a bag. Levi checks his phone which was blowing up with missed calls, which were blocked out by Ami’s moans. All of the calls were from Erwin, now voice mail. Levi calls back Erwins number and the phone barley rings before Erwin picks up. “Jeez man I’ve been trying to call you! Where were you?” Levi with a completely dead pan tone responds. “Busy. What do you want?” Erwin sighs before responding. “Well we found a buyer for the intel. I need you as a witness. Come to dock 4 now.” Erwin hangs up and Levi gives an annoyed sigh as he turns to Ami. “Can we make a pitstop and head to the docks? Erwin found a buyer.” Ami nods and the two make their way to the docks district.

The day passes as the afternoon light shimmers on the waterfront. Large ships pass in the distance branding corporation logos on the side of the ships. Erwin stands I front of his classic restored muscle car. His blond hair sways in the breeze. His left arm is covered in a cast that is lightly covered by his large leather rain coat. Levi and Ami walk to to him. Levi speaks before his attention is grabbed. “Hey Erwin good to- oh no. Your growing that stupid beard back?” Ami snickers to herself as she speaks with a smile, trying to hide her laughter. “Hey Erwin, good to see you. You like a teenager in high school bro.” Erwin uses his free and and feels his chin stubble. He sighs and texts something on his phone. “Look, just- it’s hard to shave and- that’s not important. The buyers will be here soon. I did most of the work, I just need you to back me up. The buyers are the Rose Gold corporation. You might have heard of them, big time weapon manufacturer.” Levi nods and shoots a smug grin and speaks with a chuckle. “And their about to drop their new line of smart rifles right? No wonder they’d be pissed about this.” Erwin nodded with a similar confident smirk.

The two chitchat for a bit before four armored SUV’s with tinted windows pull up in a circle formation. Several armed and masked figures with trench-coats step out of the cars and stand still. A woman in a high end suit steps it and looks directly at the group. Ami let’s out a small gulp as she’s not used to corporate meetings. Levi notices and pulls Ami to his side and wraps one arm around her waist. He whispers to a Ami in a reassuring voice. “Just keep calm, don’t flinch. Don’t show these idiots that their all talk is working.” The woman walks up to Erwin and speaks with both sass and a little respect. “Your Erwin right? You said you have proof the Armored Heart Corporation is in violation of a weapon recall?” Erwin nodded and silently hands the woman a chip with a stern look. The woman saps the chip into her phone and reads the report. The woman stays silent for a few seconds before she turns her eyes to Levi, completely ignoring Ami.

The woman speaks with a very bored tone. “And you have the proof?” Ami subtly clung to Levi as he pulled out the smart pulley from his pocket. He tossed it in the air and the girl in the suit caught it and snapped her fingers. One of them masked men in trench-coats slowly walked up and held the bullet in front of his mask. The mask lit up as it scanned the bullet. The masked figure nods and the woman gives a smirk. She pulls out her phone and speed dials someone and starts speaking. “Yes- Yes it’s confirmed. Send the payment.” The woman hangs up and smiles as she extends her hand for a handshake. “Thank you mister Levi, mister Erwin and… whoever the cat girl is. The money will be in your accounts by tomorrow. Pleasure doing corporate espionage with you.” The woman keeps her hand extended to Levi, who keeps and iron stare and stays still. All Levi does is hug Ami closer to him and doesn’t budge one bit. The woman slowly closes her hand and nods as her and her masked figures get back into the SUVs and start to drive off.

Once the cars drive out of sight, Erwin let’s out a deep sigh as if he was holding s breath the whole meeting. “Fuck I hate meeting with Corpos. But that went better then I expected. You good Ami?” Levi turns to Ami and gives her a kiss on the forehead and a tight hug. Levi speaks in a loving tone that surprises Erwin a little. “Are you ok sweetie? You did very well, I’m proud of you.” Ami’s eyes go doe eyed as her ears perk up and a warm smile shines on her face. Ami knew she was safe with her man, and Levi would protect her with all he had. Ami nods and kisses Levi’s cheek and smiles as she talks. “Yup! I think you had that woman shaking in fake ass leather boots!” Levi laughs before he notices Erwin’s face of disbelief. Levi quickly let’s out a shout like an attack dog but with a very straight face. “The fuck you looking at Erwin?” Erwin snaps back and coughs as he awkwardly responds. “Oh! Nothing. Umm… I can drive you guys back home if you want?”

Levi and Ami nod as they hop in the back of Erwin’s car. He turns the key and hears the rwar of an older engine and the car speeds off. As the car drives along the highway near the docks, the setting sun shines on the coast and gently illuminate Levi and Ami cuddling in the backseat. As Ami relaxes in Levi’s arms, he gently rubs her head and shoulders as he whispers in her ear. “It’s days like these that remind me all over why I love you darling.” Ami smiles warmly and kisses Levi’s check as she whispers back. “And I love you too baby.”

[platatoandsoquoquediscovern-blog]

Soquoque discovers:

My thoughts while watching Eclipse: in up to 80 sentences

1.      I am watching Twilight, right? Oh, there’s the vampires… or at least the shadow of one

2.      Do they all normally play with their food like this?

3.      Ok, there is no way she bit his hand, absolutely not. I’m calling bullshit

4.      Wow, Edward has really long side burns

5.      Whoa whoa whoa, 2 minutes into the movie and there’s already a marriage proposal? Pace yourself guys, this movie is like 5 hours long

6.      Hello there Charlie, fancy seeing you here again

7.      Why is everyone in this movie trying to make deals or negotiate with everyone else? You guys ever heard of holding your ground?

8.      Edward Cullen: vampire, sparkler, high jumper, mechanic

9.      Wait, Bella still has friends? How? She’s like the worst friend ever, why are they all still there.

10.  The Cullen’s really need to work on their poker faces. Or else people might start getting suspicious of the weird, pale, impossibly good-looking family

11.  Edward continues to lie to Bella even though WE ALL KNOW how that turned out literally any other time before this

12.  Bella is only concerned about the fact that she isn’t a vampire yet; Bella, there are people dying asshole, who gives a shit if the Voltari see that you’re still human.

13.  Lol, Edward is a terrible actor. I wouldn’t quit your day job

14.  Ah I freaking love Charlie man

15.  Hold up, they’re already in Florida? We didn’t even get a plane scene? Oh come on Twilight, you have time for Bella staring off into the sunset but not this?

16.  EVERYONE in this movie knows that there is something seriously weird about Bella’s relationship with Edward except for Bella.

17.  She really is incredibly pale isn’t she

18.  This scene man. All the Cullen’s and the wolves and Victoria still manages to get away? That’s some bullshit

19.  Yes she will Jasper, yes she will.

20.  Stupid wolf attacks Emmet instead of, you know, the vampire they were ALL CHASING!

21.  Of course she wouldn’t Edward, Bella doesn’t listen to anyone, hence Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn Part 1 and 2.

22.  Love that Jacob intro music yo

23.  WHY WOULD YOU STILL LIE AT A MOMENT LIKE THIS! Edward, you fool- the jig is up my man.

24.  Jacob is confused by Bella’s hostility towards him… Jacob must have not have been present during the events of New Moon

25.  Wait, did she just skip school? How is this chick even graduating? I swear I only saw her attend class like twice in all three movies.

26.  AAAAHHHH original Leah…and I don’t care

27.  Btw, who are all these shirtless dudes? Jacobs pack? Since when? I mean I get that it couldn’t just be Jacob, but these random dudes are hella random and thus I do not care nor am I at all invested in their lives. Soooo moving on.

28.  Imprint foreshadowing… although nothing would have prepared us for the actual imprinting.

29.  Would we have known if you had imprinted Jacob? Would we really? How exactly, since these Twilight fuckers only seem to tell us really important information after the fact

30.  Is this angry Jacob? Is this really all he’s got? Am I the only one underwhelmed here?

31.  “Bella, they’re not even alive” lol, true Jake, so very true

32.  AAAAHHH wannabe creepy Edward is hella creepy

33.  Call me sadistic but wouldn’t it make more sense for Riley to have killed Charlie right now? I mean they want to hurt Bella, right? Wouldn’t killing her father do that? Or at the very least kidnapping him?  Look, I love the guy and all but this weird Riley watching Charlie sleep and leaving him completely unharmed doesn’t make any sense

34.  Ah the Cullen house. Bella and Edward need to negotiate with Carlisle to keep this house because it is beautiful

35.  “Now let’s all just sit around in a nice little circle and discuss what Edward smelt in Bella’s room, shall we?” – The Cullen’s, probably

36.  …Uhm Jacob, she has Jacob. I mean, you don’t have to be a mind reader to figure that out Edward

37.  Lol, that Switzerland line is probably one of the worst lines in this movie

38.  Quick question: why exactly is Bella so special again? I mean you all are basically ready to die for her, so I would just like to know why exactly

39.  I hope he doesn’t own any shirts Edward, have you seen Taylor Lautner’s abs? Don’t deprive the audience of that

40.  Also, lol are they seriously having a dick measuring contest right now, in the middle of the street? Interesting.

41.  And now for the history section of the movie- anyone mind if I go grab some water really quickly? No? Okay cool, thanks.

42.  Oh shit, I missed some stuff. Uhm… new-borns? Armies? Alliteration? I’m intrigued

43.  How can you idiots think it’s the Voltari? Isn’t this a bit low profile for the creepy vampire government?

44.  Oh I see, it was to drag this movie on wasn’t it? And now we have yet another Edward and Bella whisper-talking scene. Awesome.

45.  Blah blah, you can’t be a vampire Bella, blah blah

46.  Where are we right now, we can’t still be in forks right?

47.  Yeah Jacob, YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH BELLA, WE KNOW. WE HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN. JEEZ, WOULD YOU JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AGAIN.

48.  Yeah, she’s not. She’s rushing into it for completely different reasons asshole.

49.  Bam! Punch to your stupid face. Take that wolf boy

50.  I fucking love this scene man- not the Jacob and Edward pissing match, but Charlie’s breaking up of the fight.

51.  “I kissed Bella, and she broke her hand…punching my face-total misunderstanding.” -ICONIC

52.  And now we get Rosaline? Rosalee? Nikki Reed’s character’s backstory, yay. Btw, she was the badass- killing your ex-fiancé while draped in a beautiful wedding dress? Fucking priceless

53.  Great, now Bella is shipwrecked- wait? Oh shit, wrong movie. My bad (I’m also simultaneously watching Snow White and the Huntsman, for some reason)

54.  Ugh, we get it, being a vampire sucks- when do we get to the ‘Eclipse’ part of the movie?

55.  Also, this movie sure does make a big hoopla around the fact that turning into a vampire will basically ruin Bella’s life and is a totally bad call and then immediately goes on to disregard all of that in the next two movies. So, I guess what I’m saying is, all of this is just one big enormous waste of time.

56.  Full disclosure: I left for about 10 minutes…ah man, I missed the training session? Fuck.

57.  But while we’re on the topic, wtf was the point of that anyway? I get that the wolves needed to know about how to defeat the new-borns and all, but couldn’t Jasper have sent them an email? Or a memo? A tweet?

58.  Yay, now we get Jasper’s backstory; are Emmet’s, Alice’s, Carlisle and Esme’s going to be in the next movie? No? Then wtf is the point of all of this!

59.  Petition for a twilight spin-off where we see how all the other vampire couples in this movie met, because I am willing to bet good money that those are a hell of a lot more interesting than Bella and Edward’s story.

60.  Lol, Bella figures out that Victoria is behind everything because she needed to do something, right?

61.  STOP BEING A CHILD BELLA, THEY’RE ALL TRYING TO SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE!

62.  I really do love Jasper

63.  He said RUN Jacob, not walk at a glacial pace.

64.  And then this jackass just straight up stops. Are you people not on the clock? Army of new-borns approaching to kill everyone? Anybody?

65.  Ok, one more time I promise- I love Charlie!

66.  She was literally just about to come inside the house Edward, calm down dude

67.  Ok, I get that the Cullen’s live in the woods, and don’t have any visitors and stuff but wouldn’t it be like a logical precaution to have actual beds in the house? Just in case? I can’t be the only one who thinks this is a good idea.

68.  …Uhm, okay now we’re in the mountains. Cool (lol, no pun intended)

69.  They really should have planned better for this trip, just saying.

70.  Worst. Sleep-acting. Ever

71.  You know, a part of me wishes that Bella did actually chose Jacob and then the next movie is just a moping Edward trying to deal with his heartbreak and then he meets Klaus Mikaelson and the two of them plot to kill Jacob and take over Forks. Doesn’t that sound like an epic movie?

72.  why, Why, WHY ON EARTH DOES SHE ASK JACOB TO KISS HER? THIS MAKES NO SENSE, STOP TRYING TO FORCE THIS RELATIONSHIP ON US YOU BASTARDS!

73.  Most. Understanding. Fiancé. Ever (also, Bella is a dick to her fiancé)

74.  “it’s starting” fucking finally

75.  These new-borns may be strong, but they can’t fight for shit

76.  Who is this little girl, and why am I supposed to care?

77.  Oh shit, Victoria. Also, AAAAHHHH new actress playing Victoria is as uninteresting as her predecessor

78.  “You’re dead” No Riley, you’re dead. nice seeing you though

79.  Ding dong the (red-headed changed actress) witch is dead

80.  Fucking bullshit surprise new-born is bullshit. Also, DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE TRAINING SESSION JACOB

81.   ‘Hang in there”? Hang in there? For the love of all things good and pure, please SHUT UP Bella. We really don’t need your utterly useless advice right now.

82.  Out of place Voltari are completely, and totally unexciting

83.  AAAAHH sweaty Taylor Lautner… he’s still pretty though- oblivious and unbearably naïve, but still pretty

84.  Jacob, sweetie, please just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

85.  They really do love that field, don’t they?

#twilight eclipse funny teamedward edwardcullen bellaswan jacobblack truth