sacha-oleksandr
CHTO SACHA SKAZALO
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Names! Direct address! Questions!
Do you pay attention to how you refer to people? Do you use people's names, or preface them with some kind of label (like "my friend __")?
If you use honorifics (in direct address, aka when you're talking to the person), do you use them as often as you use people's names when you're talking to them? More? Less?
I've always been weird about using people's names for some reason? I finally started at least referring to people by name with "my friend __," but now I want to intentionally stop "my friend__"ing all of my relationships lol and just start using people's names when I talk about them. (Differentiating people with the same name notwithstanding.)
Talking to people is a whole nother story. It's odd for me to be called my name inside of a conversation (like between hi and bye)… not really a thing.. when I talk to others. I had a coworker once who used my name whenever he talked to me, and it was the weirdest thing. I didn't use my ex's name to get his attention for probably the first year or two of our relationship. I do not know why I'm like this.
This is just a thing I'm really aware of about myself right now, and wondering how other people's brains work. (:
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context: discussion in which I was expressing a bit of insecurity about a close relationship of mine possibly ending
Friend: Do you eventually want to have someone more permanent in your life?
Me: I want my friends to be permanent 😭
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the relief of blocking someone who's always skirted a boundary and thought it was cute instead of irritating
Like it probs shouldn't have taken until they actually did violate the boundary, but at least I've got this going for me now
(It was a dick pic. He was always sending pics of him in his boxers but this time he just sent a straight up dick pic. Adios doucheski)
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Funeral Days
My grasp of time between months is so fucked up, basically when I do my bullet journaling for the transition into a new month it feels like I'm preparing for end of life stuff. It gives me this feeling like I have to tie up all my loose ends, leave instructions, tidy everything up in case day 1 of the new month doesn't come. It's fucking awful sometimes honestly, especially coming up on a month full of traumatic anniversaries.
Designing the first bit of August sucked the will to live out of me. I love that for me 🙄🙄🙄
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aro anguish
My friend I have spent a lot of time with over the last year or so spent this weekend out of town with a woman he's been kind of seeing. (Kind of, as in, he doesn't seem to want to be in a relationship? but also that seems like what's happening anyway?) And I have been having a lot of Feelings about it. The kind of feelings you feel in your stomach and they feel like they could churn over into a feeling that is much worse, that threatens to take over the whole body and not just the gut. Idk, maybe that's dramatic.
Anyways. That sense of "I want to be some kind of important, but I don't know what that means" struck again. Shifting from "things were supposed to be this way forever!" to "this was a season of my life that's over," from "big plans in the future of weekend-long sleepovers and trips" to "he might never even have time for me (much less be allowed to have sleepovers with me because I'm AFAB)" is kind of the worst. And I understand that people with their relationship hierarchies have to split time unevenly between their romances/sex relationships and friendships, but that doesn't make it suck less.
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Roommate: "What are your pronouns?"
Me: "I use he/him, actually"
Roommate: "You look more like a hee/haw to me"
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The "dad friend"
I have a friend who insists I drink water and voices concern that I don't eat sometimes (I do!, but only once a day). He gave me tips to improve my basketball shot and made me keep trying until I could sink a three pointer and bought me some frozen soup to keep in my freezer because it was on sale
He also showed up to the arcade bar I was at yesterday (where I told him I'd be and told him he should come out - no weird stalkery shit going on lol) while I was getting myself quarters and was like "good thing I brought all these quarters!" I was like, "so can I use yours then?" and he called me a mooch and then made me drink water
Then when I was talking to someone next to the Pacman machine he was playing, I said something about quarters and he like, reflexively whips a handful of quarters out of his pocket and gives them to me, while still maneuvering the joystick for his game
I greatly appreciate the daddishness, and how even though he's not really trying to be gender affirming it still feels that way. Having surrounded myself with other queer folks these last few months has been fantastic and validating, but I think that because my friend is a gruff, older cishet man, it means more to me that he treats me in a way that aligns with my boyishness. Like I just assume that doesn't come naturally and it makes it feel like he's putting more effort into it and it's really nice
In general, I guess I'm just getting a lot of joy from my relationships with people lately. These interactions with him in particular, and with other friends I've recently met or recently reconnected with, just give me all the fluttery good feels
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Stockholm Syndrome
I just finished reading the manhwa Stockholm Syndrome and it brought up some shit. Again. I guess this is just what I do now. It dredged up this fear that's never too far from the surface about myself, that someone who's hurt me in the past will show up at my door (metaphorically speaking, mostly) and drag me back to the fucked up relationship we had before, and that I'll go without a fight.
*eta: it was not over. but the good versions of the chapters were. the second new translator did bad translations, this new one has slightly better translations but the pages are chopped to hell. I have no idea what's going on anymore. :(
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A dream journal, 'cause why not
It was life after the world ended and I was living in a house with a bunch of other people raising animals to eat and shit, and basically in the year after the world ended we had this makeshift society up and running.
But the anniversary of the event comes around and eclipses itself and animals and other people start disappearing, and for some reason I think it's because the events of the past changed - like this time around, what happened last year happened a little later. I kept old newspaper clippings in the rest of my Old Life things, and checked the dates, and sure enough they were changing. Were others waking up in another timeline, home with their families thinking they dreamed this life I'm still living?
Outside, appearing briefly from lightning clouds, were giant monsters with heads shaped like houses and other large inanimate objects.
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30 Days of Middlespace
Day 1: Age Range?
I say 10-12, but I think I could say I'm solidly 11. On the 'younger' side of that age range, like in terms of... pubescence I guess lol
Day 2: Do you have a Caregiver?
Not really. My roommate/Sadist/ex is caregiver-y but we're not exactly doing that these days. Anyway, I don't really go for Caregivers. Sadists with caregiving impulses?
Day 3: Do you identify as a babyboy, babygirl, brat, other label, multiple labels?
No. I'm ok with boy, but not any of these other labels.
Day 4: Are you sexual or nonsexual? What is your sexual orientation and gender identity (are you straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, trans, queer, asexual, unsure)?
Nonsexual. With my ex/Sadist I let him make me do sex stuff but it was CNC. I'm a sex-averse, asensual asexual; I'm not into sex acts or sensuality. I'm genderfluid but in middlespace I'm a boy, so I don't like being treated like a girl and so don't do any sex stuff that involves sexual touching of my body.
Day 5: Are you into BDSM/kink?
Yes. I'm a masochist. I'm a fan of pain and fear play.
Day 6: Do you switch roles?
Yeah, but only as far as S/m or T/b, not being a CG
Day 7: If you are sexual, do you use toys?
No
Day 8: If you are nonsexual, do you use toys?
I don't really understand this question. If it means do you play with toys while in middlespace the answer is sort of, occasionally lol footballs and frisbees!
Day 9: Are you middle 24/7?
I wouldn't say that but it's not got an on/off switch I can toggle
Day 10: Do certain clothes or styles put you in middlespace?
Hats, big shirts, and my binder
Day 11: What's your zodiac sign?
Scorpio
Day 12: Do you like and/or use pacifiers?
No
Day 13: Do you like and/or use water bottles, sippy cups, or baby bottles?
No
Day 14: What are your favorite snacks?
Whatever the other person in the room is eating lmao
Day 15: Do you have pets?
Two rats!
Day 16: Are you a pet too? What kind are you?
Nope
Day 17: Do you have preferred pet name(s)?
I like to be called a little shit or a monster lol
Day 18: Favorite TV shows: I like to watch Gumball and Rick & Morty
Day 19: What kind of music do you like?
Punk and ska mostly. I like a lot of sad or angry music
Day 20: Favorite drink(s): Coffee and iced tea
Day 21: Last picture you colored?
I don't really do coloring
Day 22: Favorite season? I like all except Spring really
Day 23: Favorite characters? Roland Deschain and his ka-tet
Day 24: Favorite smells? Gasoline and wet laundry
Day 25: Bedtime routine? I check my blood sugar and then brush my teeth
Day 26: Morning routine? Roll out of bed, check my blood sugar, and update my bullet journal
Day 27: Crayons, markers, paints, and/or pencils?
Markers!
Day 28: Favorite wild animal?
I really like owls
Day 29: Favorite candy?
WARHEADS. Anything sour
Day 30: Do you like and/or play video games? If so, which?
Mostly Sims and Pokemon
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what stinks?
This probably works better heard than read but I cannot make it sound good so here are words to read with your eyeballs.
what stinks:
the stench of decaying critters in the alleys,
the putrid odor of hot garbage -- also in the alleys,
hot dog shit and homeless defecations
from the grass and the sidewalk and --everywhere?
(for real, though.)
what doesn't stink:
this fresh awareness, this PRESENCE,
this sense of HERE-NESS: wherein
I'm no longer tied to that summer day.
Senses no longer on that road, in that car,
in that claustrophobic space
where I couldn't
I CAN BREATHE.
And yeah, what's in the air stinks,
but it's an odd privilege to smell it.
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forever torn between "I want to incorporate more exercise into my schedule, like taking a walk in the morning" and "I want to add more learning to my routine; I should add another language to my rotation!" and then ultimately doing neither
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things that made me sad today
- ex partner telling me about marvel movies he's excited for. saying he had wanted to watch black widow with me before he watches it with his girlfriend (but we didn't and we won't). me realizing he's going to have to get used to watching things with her first. thinking about how i'll probably never finish watching the marvel movies because once we're no longer living together we'll no longer be sharing things like that
- knowing this is the last full day i'll spend with his family. it's bittersweet - i love them and feeling like a part of their family, but knowing it's so close to the end is painful. people keep saying 'you can still have a relationship with them' like it could possibly stay the same after we move into our own separate apartments/lives. we went to target to buy some board games and i realized there's no reason for me to get games because soon enough i'll have no one to play with
- the fact that he's probably going to introduce his girlfriend to his family tomorrow. will they like her more than they like me? they'll eventually forget about me and i can hardly verbalize how much the thought of that hurts
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El primer Día de la Independencia de los Estados Unidos después de la ruptura...
La mamá de Raul me dio una camiseta que coincide con la suya y las que les dio a su sobrina y a la novia de su otro hijo... me hizo sentir incluida y amada pero también muy triste porque es probable que este mes es el último que voy a pasar con su familia.
Todo el tiempo que pasé con ellos anoche estaba pensando, el año que viene estará la novia nueva de Raul aquí en lugar de mi... ¿les agradará a ella más que yo? ¿se integrará en la familia más fácilmente que lo hice? ¿me extrañaran?
Definitivamente les voy a extrañar a ellos.
Esto apesta.
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