psychicstrawberries

[psychicstrawberries]

Trust the process.

[psychicstrawberries]

The Sobering Reality

CW: Death, Murder, Shootings, Violence, Depression

I don't write this with any enthusiasm so forgive my flat tone. This post is about the hardest hitting fact about life. It will end and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It ends unexpectedly, always tragically, and it does so for all of us.

Death is in our faces so much that many of us have become apathetic toward it. Mass shootings, pandemics, terrorism and violence in the streets have created a world of indifference. Especially for those in my generation, born after the AIDs pandemic and 9/11, we have been exposed to death from the day we were born. School shootings are dinner table topics at this point.

We simultaneously chase death and run from it because for us, it's ingrained. But despite that, just like every generation before us, we don't want to die. Not knowing what comes after. The primal need to survive. What is left to feel but numbness?

I felt that same apathy for years. Engaging in the odd culture of death America built. Torture porn like SAW or Vile. True crime as a fun hobby. Grooving to songs about "poppin' caps" and "murdering hos." What did it matter?

I don't say this to put down those who partake in these very normal things. I say this to set the stage of what came next.

I went to bed feeling off that night. Something I couldn't place was just...wrong. So I slept with my girlfriend that, I didn't want to be alone.

I woke up to a call. My best friend was dead.

She had been shot. She died before she reached the hospital.

I never understood the saying "gut wretching" until then. It felt like my insides were torqued and my lungs were strangled. I cried on the bathroom floor until the sun rose. By then, I was dehydrated and exhausted. I finally got to sleep.

I dreamt of her more than once between then and the funeral. And every time I did, I woke up and had to remind myself that she was dead. I went through the next five days in a fog, thinking every platinum blonde girl I saw was her. I wished that they were. I wished that the police had it wrong. I wished I was there more. I wished I could wake up from that bad dream.

Seeing your best friend, the girl you played with since you were in diapers, in a casket...I can't explain that. I saw her. And I went cold. I went dizzy for a second. I kept trying to comfort her mother but I couldn't rip my eyes from the casket. From the body.

Whatever made her human was gone. And that's what destroyed me. It all came crashing in on me. I went to the car, shut the door, and screamed. I curled my knees up and wailed. It came from something deep inside me breaking. My dad came in and consoled me. But I don't think I've been the same since then.

Two days ago, I had to confront that sobering reality again as I committed another friend to the earth. This friend was in a car accident. She was twenty one. She was a mother to a one year old baby girl.

Nobody should have to see a friend in a casket. Certainly not two. And yet we all will. And then one day it will be us.

That's why we have to live while we can, and we have to live it for all of those who can't anymore. The only thing that has pulled me through since losing my friends is that both were sunny, beautiful people. Both lived through pain and turned into beauty. They would tell me to keep my head up and never stop fighting.

I'm still fighting. I have to. I have to stay for the ones that are still here, and to honor the ones that aren't.

I love them both more than I can say and I will miss them with every beat of my heart.

Losing them both is a sobering reality that all things are temporary, and that's why we have to cherish every second. Even the painful ones. Because at least we are still here to experience them. I will cherish my grief, not because they died, but because they lived and I had the chance to know them.

#psychology #love #death #sadness #mourning #loss #pain #growth #stages of grief #griefsupport #griefjourney #murder #spilled heart #heartbeat #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #mental help #journal #journey

[psychicstrawberries]

Can I just say how grateful I am for all of the love on my ADHD post? It means so much to me. Thank all of you.

#adhd #add #neurodivergence #neurotyical #medicine #psychology #feminism

[psychicstrawberries]

This song is one of my comfort tunes. It really makes me smile, just because it's relatable and cheery. Hope you all like it 💕

#cute #music #adhd #add #songs #mentalillness #love #happiness #art #relatable #Spotify

[psychicstrawberries]

Discovering Divergence

You know that feeling that you're not seeing the whole picture? Like, you have point A and point C, but point B is absent.

That's how I've felt virtually my entire life. It's like I'm seeing the world in fragments. Like there's gaps in my synapses. My entire world feels like a connect-the-dots. I'll do my best to portray this comprehensively but forgive me if it's not.

I was able to speak and walk sooner than most. That was the first thing my parents noticed that was a little different about me, but it was far from the last. I was enrolled in school a year before most, and that's when everything really kicked off.

I was reading, writing, and speaking well above my age. I was tested and showed to be at a college reading level by the time I was in middle school. I excelled in many areas of study. However, I was struggling in many, many things including being "normal."

I think the first time I called myself defective was in third grade. My school had "fun Friday," where if you behaved and passed all of your quizzes, you would get to have a field day on Friday. I was only included in 3 of those field days. This is because I was failing, horribly, at math.

My problem with math was largely an inability to focus. I could not make the process click with me, I could not keep my eyes on the numbers, I could not do the multi-step equations that I was asked to do. I would get lost in the process, constantly.

I asked for help. I explained my problem. The main responses that I got from the adults around me were "stop being lazy," "focus more," or "try harder." I did try harder. But my brain would bounce from daydream to daydream, thoughts flooding my senses and overriding my ability to understand what was in front of me. I felt alone, stupid, and defective. But I was told to try harder.

I had a habit of getting lost in thoughts. I still do. I would find myself gazing off into space, sometimes missing entire lessons, dreaming up stories and worlds and imaginary friends for myself. This largely happened in math because I grew to hate the subject by fourth grade. I couldn't understand it, I couldn't get help, so I ran away into my mind instead of listening to the teacher. This got me in a lot of trouble. I was labeled a problem child and a ditz. But, perhaps the biggest problem, was my mouth.

I used to talk until I ran out of breath. Rambling to anyone that would listen. About anything. Everything. I had so many thoughts and enjoyed so many things that I never ran out of material. Again, this got me in a lot of trouble. Time and time again, my desk was pushed to the front of the classroom into 'no man's land' as my teachers called it. This started my bullying.

My odd interests and intense fixations became subjects of ridicule. My jabberjaw got returned with a kurt "shut up" from most. My daydreams were punished. My excited blurts of an answer or unintended mimicking of another student's sniffle got me kicked off the jungle gyms. I became the weird kid. I didn't know why I was the way that I was, but I learned to hate myself for it.

In my teen years, I became a recluse. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression. I blamed those disorders for my executive dysfunction, scattered thoughts, quickness to become overwhelmed and my perpetually racing brain.

I'm sure you can imagine where this is going.

Come to find out. All this time later. As a full-grown woman. I have ADHD.

For twenty one years, I believed that I was stupid. Lazy. Defective. A daydreamer. Only to find out that I share the same disorder as my siblings, my cousins, and millions of others around the globe.

The thing that boggles my mind is how my own family missed it, while simultaneously recognizing the signs in my other family members. I suppose, seeing as I'm the oldest, I was the beta child. Rather than seeing a disorder, they saw the smart girl that needed more structure, not a doctor.

ADHD is dramatically underdiagnosed in females because of its history. The first studies on ADHD were done almost exclusively on males, and the findings were largely focused on the 'hyperactive' and 'impulsive' side of the disorder. But in recent years, it's noted that females tend to present with the more 'inattentive' symptoms. Because of this, girls with ADHD are mislabeled as daydreams, dim, or distracted. Girls like me are told to shape up, and learn to hate things about themselves that are quite literally hardwired into us. Our brains are different. Not defective.

Ugh, long post, but necessary. That is what I have for you today, thanks for reading.

#adhd #neurodivergence #bullying #school #mentalillness #journal #diary #feminism #medicine #psychology #rant #neurotypical #girls #students #teachers #add #attention #adhddisorder

[psychicstrawberries]

This cherry blossom bear believed in you every step of the way, and it never once doubted your strength and determination! 🌸 Keep it up, friend!

Chibird store | Patreon | Webtoon

[psychicstrawberries]

Thought I’d share this little gem I made

[psychicstrawberries]

FUCK YEAH, BABY! IM PROUD OF YOU 💕💕💕

I didn’t binge or purge today

holy shit

🥺

[psychicstrawberries]

go eat.

you do not need an excuse to eat. but if in this moment, right now, you do.. 

then here. here’s your permission slip. here’s your go ahead. 

your happiness, your mental health. yeah that’s your excuse to eat

[psychicstrawberries]

Trust the process.

[psychicstrawberries]

I feel this one, sis. It gets better with recovery time, but I dunno if it ever goes away completely. Just know you're not alone and you're a badass for keeping up the fight <3

i don’t like to let people see me eat because it’s embarrassing that i caved in to the hunger

but i can’t eat in private because if i’m going to eat i need proof of it so there’s less suspicion

🤦🏼‍♀️

[psychicstrawberries]

Hey peeps, This comic took awhile to make but, I hope someone else finds this helpful, as it’s relevant to a lot of our lives right now lol

Here’s the article I got my sources from, give it a look if your wanting a more in depth explanation!

https://news.stanford.edu/2021/02/23/four-causes-zoom-fatigue-solutions/

Love y’all, and stay safe

[psychicstrawberries]

Progress Report: March 2021

Pictured: Physical Progress

Not Pictured (but there) Big Mental Progress

I’ve come so far in my journey and made obvious physical progress over the years but in the past year I’ve seen much greater mental progress. I thought when I started my mental game was strong and it truly was in staying consistent, working hard and learning as I went. But I wasn’t mentally prepared for the long haul. Once you see physical progress taking shape it’s so rewarding but it’s also addictive and can become the standard by which you base your success. At some point that progress is going to slow, stop, backtrack and bounce around. What then? This is where my lack of mental progress began to rear it’s ugly head. It’s not a healthy mindset to just keep striving and expecting to be constantly seeing success at all times. At some point you’re going to burn out, get sick, adopt poor or dangerous practices and not allow your body to recover properly doing more harm than good. This realization came to me when my once pride filled physical results started looking subpar to me in the mirror. Not big enough, not lean enough, I’ve lost some size, I don’t feel as strong as last time, that looks unbalanced, this or that started being nit picked to death and after trying to fix all the little doubts and insecurities that were not broken I successfully defeated myself in my own head when obvious success was staring at me right in the mirror.

I don’t know exactly when the “aha” moment came but I stopped focusing on what I did not have and worked to be more thankful for what I did. I stopped training for quite awhile trying to get my head straight and reshape and reevaluate my goals. Seriously at times I looked at myself in the mirror and thought my abs could be more pronounced, my arms could be bigger, my lats were to small and so on and so on. It took the fun out of working out because I was trying to reach what I thought was the next level of success. I had falsely trained myself to recognized success as more and better progress. an unrealistic long term goal. You can only get so big, you can only get so lean, your body can only take so much before you and it will inevitably fail. Do I want to get a whole lot bigger, no! Do I want to get a whole lot leaner, no...(I really like tacos)! Does this mean my progress has stopped or cannot be achieved, have I peaked??...no, but it used to feel that way.

Cue the mental gains.... being happy with what I have, being happy with what I’ve achieved, being happy that I’ve gotten my body into the condition it’s in and managed to maintain it. No longer is my measuring stick of success tied to the physical it’s tied to the mental, because how I see myself ultimate controls how I feel about myself. And feeling good about my choices whether that be working be get a little bigger, taking a break, choosing to softening back up some or being ok with backtracking when needed. Thats a new and exciting way to see constant positive progress both physically and mentally.

Btw If you’ve actually read all the way to this point I’d like to thank you for taking the time to do so and I hope it helps you avoid or lessen some of the struggles I’ve experienced along my journey. PS I could use a little sun its been a long winter!😆

[psychicstrawberries]

[psychicstrawberries]

Please don’t give up on yourself.

Take that break, walk that mile, eat your food, drink that water, talk to a friend or a therapist, sing out loud, dance until you’re tired, say what you think and treat yourself with care. Do anything you need today to keep yourself going.

I promise you that tomorrow you will be happy again, you will have new goals, you will meet better people, and your body and mind will keep healing and growing. 

Your story is not over yet.

[psychicstrawberries]

“I hope you find what you are born to love. For what you love brings purpose to each day that you are alive.”

— Juansen Dizon

[psychicstrawberries]