night-ghost-writer

[night-ghost-writer]

I am a selfish bastard at heart. Every. Single. Thing. That I do, I do for me. Not for my family, not for my friends, not my partner, not for anyone but me. I am alive because I want to be. I live that life for me and me alone. When I dance in my kitchen covered by the darkness of the night, that’s for me. Tidying up my room so I can breathe again, that’s for me. Screaming in the middle of the wood to air my frustrations, I do that for me. Everything I do, is for me. Petting dogs. Going for a run. Seeing friends. Sunbathing. Having sex. Complaining. Swimming. Celebrating. Baking. Sleeping. Playing games. Writing. It is all for me. I have never done and never will do anything for anyone else. Because in the end, I live my life for me.

#spilled words #spilled writing #my writing #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #i don't know #writing #just stuff

[night-ghost-writer]

It’s like an instant release. The nails of my hand dig hard into the soft skin of my other arm. It leaves little crescent moons. And they leave red gashes. They leave pain and hurt. But at least I feel something. At least I’m not screaming and crying and punching the stupid walls. Bleeding knuckles are a thing of the past. In the end, the crescent moon has always been my favorite.

#spilled words #spilled writing #my writing #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #pain #tw

[night-ghost-writer]

I’ve fallen into the darkness again. Went in head first, fists balled, ready to come back out. But now my head hangs in shame and the fight has left my body. So now I’m stuck here again. And I look at this familiar place. I acknowledge the immense sadness and grieve I used to carry with me. I look at that baggage and without much hesitation, I pick it right back up.

It stings my shoulders. It hurts my knees. I’m sweating and exhausted from the journey. But if people ask if they can help me, my back straightens and a million dollar smile finds its way onto my face. No worries, I answer. I’m fine, I say. And the baggage keeps poking my ribs until the blood is soaking my shirt and my smile is accompanied by glistening tears.

#spilled words #my writing #spilled writing #spilled ink #spilled thoughts

[night-ghost-writer]

i am pretty negative but there is also quite a lot i love. i love it so when little raindrops hit my skin and i can breathe in air that feels cold when it hits me. i love little paw prints in the snow from dogs that have walked there. i love girls who take pictures of each other because they just wanna capture that moment. i love boys who change their voice when they talk to little kids. i love old people walking hand in hand. i love it when the sun shines into my friends eyes and they look like pools of honey. i love standing with my feet in the grass. i love looking out at see and feeling the waves nip at my legs. i love cats that walk up to your legs for pets. i love walking around in shorts. i love seeing little yellow flowers pop up at the start of spring. i love little kids that ramble about the stuff they like. i love playing hide and seek. i love being drunk and hugging every person i see. i love the feeling of soft sheets when i have just shaved my legs. i love the sound of running water. i love people that have weird sunglasses. i love boys in dresses and girls in suits. i love people that smile at you when you walk by. i love falling stars. i love playing video games with friends. i love birthday cake. i love the sound of a campfire. i love talking until well after midnight. i love napping. i love wearing hoodies. i love bright shoes with colorful laces. i love weird looking stones. i love soft green leaves. i love looking at a full moon. i love iced coffee before school. i love smiling at the bus driver. i love long drives. i love seeing people write. i love watching someone talk about something they love. i love board games. i love laughing until my stomach hurts. i love listening to a recommended song. i love bumping shoulders. i love feeling someone else’s fingers laced between mine. i love watermelon. i love cooking and surprising myself when it tastes good. i love offering help and see someone be so glad i offered. i love walking through puddles with my old shoes. i love swimming in natural waters. i love high buildings that give me a view of the city. i love seeing signs of life like graffiti and carvings in wood. i love feeding ducks. i love people who are different than the default. i think i love this world. i love life.

#thoughts of an idiot #i also dont know what this is thanks but no thanks #i was feelig bad and i just had to remember the little things #cuz life is pretty great and im pretty blessed #love #i love life #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled feelings #spilled writing #writing #my writing

[night-ghost-writer]

Interesting

Normally I would grab my phone as soon as I sat down. But the atmosphere was calm today. The music in the cafe was soothing and there weren't a lot of people today. So I sipped my coffee, careful not to burn my mouth, and just started to watch the world around me.

Humans are such peculiar creatures. It's so wonderfully enjoyable to just watch humans do whatever it is they're doing. You don't understand? Let me explain.

I am sipping my coffee and staring out the window. I can see a girl mouthing along with the song that's playing through her gigantic headphones. She is tapping her hands on her legs and I can see her change her pace when the songs change.

Or the person who walked right by the window of the shop and did that thing where he realized he was totally going the wrong way and pretended to look at his watch. He looked shocked and turned around. But the redness on his cheeks could not be missed.

Or seeing a little kid run around, pointing at all the windows. Happiness clear on their face. Tired parents who walk behind them, but can't help but smile. They share a pointed look before linking their hands together and keep following their kid.

I look away from the window and I see the barista making a drink for the one customer that's still waiting. He is twirling around and softly taps his foot to the rhythm of the song that's playing. He calls out the name of the customer and goes back to cleaning, bobbing his head along to the song.

A girl outside leaps into the arms of another girl, crying and laughing. They just stand there for a little while, obviously so content to just be there in each other's arms.

A small boy who walks up to an old man, almost begging him if he can pet the fluffy dog that the older man is walking. A nod of his head and the boy is on his knees next to the dog, who is happy with all the attention.

I see a tired student sitting on the other side of the shop. Hands in their hair, glasses on the table next to about a dozen papers. They just ordered their third cup of coffee. Finals are nearing.

A group of boys walking by, laughing hyping each other up. Until one of them walks away, they're all watching as he asks out a friend. A positive answer leads to a few cheers from the group.

Do you understand what I mean now? Sometimes it's just the little things that people do. Just everyday things that make them unique. Just human beings living their lives. Sometimes I like to daydream and go to other worlds. But honestly, most of the time I am convinced our world is by far the most interesting of all the things I could ever come up with.

#HAHA yes I am back #I never left tho #Whatever #My writing #spilled ink #spilled words #spilled feelings #spilled writing #spilled thoughts #Daydream #Reality #Interesting #human beings #Humans are #so interesting #so weird #I don't even know #this is what i do when i have to clear my head of thoughts and stuff so sorry i guess #allrighty

[night-ghost-writer]

It amazes me that nobody has noticed how sad I actually am

Maybe my sad laughs and smiles actually work

[night-ghost-writer]

I like to walk

I am extremely stressed so I am just going to write something. Anything really to get my mind off my current situation.

I like to walk. I don't like going anywhere by bus or in a car. I do not enjoy having to take my bike. But I love to walk. I like the feeling of walking. I like the slight burn I get in my legs when I walk for a long while. I like going from place to place with nothing for transportation but me.

I like walking at night. I know I should not. Especially not when I do not know if it's safe. But I love it. I like the cold of the night. I like the darkness that surrounds me. I like the streetlights that illuminate the way. I like not seeing anyone and hearing the quiet of the night. I like watching the stars. I like looking up at the moon. It calms me down more than anything else can.

I like hearing nocturnal animals that come out when it's dark. I like to hear owls in trees. I like walking up to the edge of the forest and seeing them. I like the sound of crickets I sometimes hear. I like to listen to the noises of the night. Sometimes it's completely silent. And I like that. But if there are noises, I stop my music. I put my headphones away and I just listen to the world.

I like the water. I like going to the stream a bit downtown. I like listening to the water. It makes the most satisfying noise. I like to see ducks swim around in there. I like to see a lost fish now and again. I like walking along the stream. It's like following the water. I like being alone with nature. It calms me.

Have you ever wound up in a forest early in the morning? I like going to the nearby forest. It is deep and there are a lot of trees. I like the sound the forest makes when the wind is strong. I like the quiet when all the elements are silent. I like seeing forest animals. I like the does I sometimes see. I like the birds that fly by. I like the crunch of leaves under my feet. I like watching myself walk. Looking down at my feet as I move forward.

I like walking when it has snowed. I like the sound it makes. I like the calmness of the world when it is covered in snow. I like the calmness inside myself when it has snowed. I like walking around. I can walk around for hours when there is snow. I like seeing the world in a different light. Everything seems lighter when it has snowed. I like going to see the forest. Or the stream. It all looks calmer.

I like walking around when the weather is nice. I like it when it is warm outside. I like seeing kids run around. I like walking towards the pool and seeing people gathered there. I like going to the stores and seeing people eat ice cream. I like to see people live. I like to walk around town and see bikes everywhere. I like to see innocent proof that people exist.

I like walking with my dog. He loves walking with me. I like seeing him run around. I like running with him. I like it when he sees other dogs and becomes so much happier. I like to pet all of the dogs we see on our walks. I like to show my dog all my favorite places. I like to see him swim. I like to take him to the forest. I like to show him around our town.

I just like to walk.

#I don't even fuckign know #I am so stressed #I just do this to cope okay #Anyways #my writing #ranting #spilled writing #spilled ink #spilled words #spilled feelings #spilled thoughts #just trying #Random writing #Writing #walking

[night-ghost-writer]

Will you tell me a story?

I look up at her from where I am sitting. The coach is comfortable and I let my head rest on her shoulder. She doesn’t seem to care as she continues knitting. She looks relaxed. It’s a quiet scene I have found myself in.

“Will you tell me a story?” I hear myself ask her. And she looks up, a small smile on her lips as she nods. We haven’t done this since I was a little kid. She used to come to my room when our parents were too busy to read bedtime stories to me. She always came up with something new. Some brand new amazing adventure just for the two of us.

She nods, “Do you have any suggestions?” The almost rhythmic ticking of her knitting needles continue.

“Anything is fine, so long as it has a happy ending”, I make myself comfortable and grab the soft blanket to drape it on our legs.

"Once upon a time", I snort at the childish start, but keep quiet after a pointed look, "Once upon a time there was a young adventurer. She loved traveling the world and seeing new places. People thought she was weird. Everyone around her lived in small towns and most would never leave. But our young traveler had been almost everywhere. From the highest mountains covered with beautiful snow to the poor villages with the markets on Tuesdays. And she loved it. She wanted to see everything. She traveled for years, mostly alone, but sometimes with companions that she met on the road -"

"Tell me about them", I interrupt her before I fully realize what I am asking, "the companions I mean." She tends to skip over little details, but I always love it when she makes up characters. "I will tell you about three of them, deal?" I nod, satisfied.

"The first one she met when she had just started. They met in a tavern, a bar if you will. He looked tired and was having a drink. Grey streaks were easily spotted in the mop of hair on his head. He had a big scar on his cheek, almost like a claw mark. She never did find out where it came from, he refused to talk about it. But he had already seen so much. He had already traveled for years, whereas she first started to see the world for the first time. And that day when they met, he told her to always be kind to everyone she met, for she would never know when her kindness would be returned."

"He took her to the sea. He knew a captain who was happy to have a few extra hands around. They sailed the seven seas under a fair captain and a hard-working crew. She thought that he was amazing. He thought her everything he knew and provided answers to questions no one else knew the answers to. When they eventually parted ways he gave her a compass. 'If you are ever lost, go north and come find me', he said. And when she was very old and she had seen everything, she would find him to swap stories and share a drink."

The scarf my sister was making came almost to her knees by now. It was dark purple and in the back of my mind, I wondered if it would reach the ground by tonight. I closed my eyes and let myself disappear into the story once more.

"The second companion stuck around for longer and was more family than anything else. She was older now and knew a lot more than when she first started traveling. It was cold at that time and she found a child on the side of the road. Abandoned and freezing, no money in their pockets. So she took them to a nearby village, paid for something hot to drink and bought them warmer clothes. Their hands wrapped tightly around the cup, eyes as big as plates. And she smiled at them. She told them stories and explained where she was going next. When they gave her their story she invited them along. Neither of them truly had a place to call home, but maybe they could have a family?"

"Together they saw wonderful forests with the weirdest animals either of them had ever seen before. Together they fought off bandits and together they explored a big part of the globe. They went to places where it always rained and to places where the sun never stopped shining except at night. And when the kid she found years ago was ready to let go, she let go as well. When they parted ways they stood before her and the scared kid had changed into a young adult right before her eyes. She gifted them knowledge about the world and they gave it back in the form of a journal they had kept for years filled with adventures that she would always remember. A crushing hug and more than a few tears with a soft, 'please don't forget me', and they went their separate ways. She would never forget them. When years later she heard of an explorer who traveled around the world with nothing but a journal and a will for adventure, she immediately knew who it must have been."

"I told you to make this happy!" "I know", she stopped knitting for a minute, "and I will." Mumbling I shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie, "Good because this is not happy it's just very sad." "It's also not the end. Now shush and let me tell the story." The rhythmic ticking resumed.

"The third companion saved her life. She had been ambushed and had been beaten up. Robbed of the little money she owned. Stumbling across the small town to a bar, hoping for some help, maybe some bandages. She is ready to give up and just take a nap on the cold street, her limbs heavy with exhaustion. Suddenly she is lifted by someone, picked up bridal style and carried to the bar she was trying to get to. She lets her eyes close for a while."

My sister shoots me a sharp look, she knows I was about to interrupt. She knows me very well. So I sit back, pouting, as my sister resumes her knitting.

"She wakes up a while later, a worried face hanging above hers. To her surprise, it's a little girl. A girl who could never have carried her anywhere. Almost as if the kid can hear her thoughts she begins speaking rapidly, 'My daddy carried you. I saw you struggle on the streets. You did not look good. You still don't look well to be perfectly honest. You should lay down again. Your ribs aren't going to heal if you're going to move around.' Her vocabulary was excellent considering her young age. In the end, she did lay down again. She learned that the father of the girl was the owner of the pub and she was invited to stay. And so she did."

"She would hang around the pub during the day, help the owner around and do some odd jobs wherever possible. In the evening she told everyone who would listen about her travels and the places she had been to. When she was ready to leave the town the little girl begged her father to join on her travels. Only after promising to return to the town in a few months, she was allowed to go. And so they went. They visited the most friendly village, they saw magnificent creatures that did not seem afraid of them. They saw beautiful flowers and she thought the little girl everything she knew about nature. The little girl was a fast learner and was not afraid to speak her mind. It was a refreshing change."

"In the end, they had to part. They returned to the girl's hometown, they returned to her father. Overjoyed he gifted the adventurer a list of places that he heard of. Drunken people in a bar tend to say everything they think about. It was a list of new and exciting adventures. The little girl promised to go on amazing adventures of her own when she was older. She promised that they would find each other again. They would, the little girl would grow up to write about the adventures she went on. Years later she would stop by and gift our traveler a copy of her most popular book."

I shift a bit, trying to get more comfortable. My back is against my sister's side now, I am almost lying down. She grins down at me, takes a sip of a drink she has standing somewhere beside her and continues telling me the story.

"For years she traveled alone. She didn't mind all that much. She loved the world and got to meet a lot of interesting and very kind people. When she had seen almost everything she found herself in a weird town. The people there told her of a mysterious professor that worked on the hill on the edge of town in a big tower. They spoke of him in hushed whispers, as if he could hear. They told her that he held a girl prisoner in that tower but that none of them dared to fight him."

"That's dumb, why would they not rescue that girl?" My voice is becoming rather tired, but my sister doesn't seem to mind. "The people in the town are just scared of what they don't know." I grimace but gesture for her to continue.

"And so our brave adventurer went to the edge of town and climbed up the hill to the big tower. If no one would rescue that girl, she would. The tower stood tall, next to a small building and it was surrounded by a beautiful garden with colorful flowers and big trees. Had the villagers never seen what this place looked like? They had not described it to look like this. She walked up to the building and the tower, it was a house next to the tower. She had just enough time to hide behind a tree when the door opened and an older guy with a beard and a young woman walked out."

"From behind the tree, she could hear their conversation, 'I have to go now, you know how everything works?' 'Yes sir.' 'I'll be back in a few months, be careful.' 'I always am.' And it was quiet for a while. She didn't know if they left, but it was deadly silent.

'What are you doing behind this tree, if I may be so blunt to ask?' She almost jumped off the hill when she heard a calm voice in the silence. The young woman stood next to her, a puzzled look on her face. After the initial shock, she responded, 'why I am here to save you!' 'From what?' 'The professor who keeps you here as a prisoner of course?!' And to her surprise, the woman started to laugh as if that was the funniest joke she ever heard.

'I am not a prisoner. I am here because I want to be. The professor is teaching me about astronomy. He has a telescope in that tower that he lets me use', she points to the tower behind her. 

'Astronomy?'

The smile on the young woman's face became somehow brighter. 'Let me show you', she said. Grabbing her hand the woman lead her up into the tower to a telescope. And she talked."

"The young woman and our adventurer were standing at the top of the tower. Our traveler had seen almost all there was to see in the world. She had seen oceans and rivers, she had seen mountains and valleys, she had seen riches and poor beyond belief. She had learned all she could about the flora and fauna of the planet she lived on. She knew so much, but when the young woman she only just met tells her about space, she is completely lost for words."

"She never knew about all of these planets and the stars. She never knew about the milky way or sought more knowledge about the sun and the moon. She knew so much about her own planet and almost next to nothing about any other. And so she listened. She listened to the exciting woman in front of her who was telling her about all these extraordinary wonders she had never heard of. The next day she came back. And the day after that, and after that. She leans about astronomy and the other planets. And in turn, she teaches the young woman all she knows, everything she learned while traveling."

"Weeks go by and she knows she should leave. The professor will come back sooner or later and she should move on. That's what she told the young woman who had rapidly become her best friend. A sadness appears in her eyes that the traveler wishes to never see again, 'You do not have to leave. You could easily live in the village below and keep visiting me, keep learning and sharing our knowledge, but only if you so wish, of course.' There is hope in her eyes, so much hope. The adventurer thought about the offer and when she looks up she tells the young woman that she'll stay. 'I have always moved on. I always wanted to see more. I always wanted to do more and go to more places. But you? You make me want to stay. You make me want to learn more, but instead of new places I'll learn more about you and learn more about the amazing universe we live in.' So in the end, the adventurer who had seen the world was not yet done with exploring. But now, she had someone to do the exploring with, for good. And they lived..."

"Happily ever after", I finish her sentence. A happy, sleepy smile on my lips. "Was the story alright?" "Your stories have always been good", I yawn, content and happy to fall asleep right there. And as I drift away, I don't see the small smile my sister shoots my way. I don't notice her pulling the blanket that is slipping away over my body and I will only see the abandoned finished purple scarf on the side table the next morning.

#Oh shit #2411 words #sorry not sorry #A bit more #than I usually do #But I am so stressed #And when I am stressed #I write #My writing #My story #story #lgbt #lgbtq #I think #Well #I intended #Non-binary character #minor character #This is my first genuine story #spilled writing #spilled words #adventure #travel #Someone explain to me how to do this because I have no idea what the fuck I am doing to be perfectly candid with all of you #Oh well

[night-ghost-writer]

Stories to tell

My thoughts are racing. My pen is flying. The words are out before I know it. I have a thousand stories to tell. A million adventures to go on. I have so many things to learn and to teach. Let me tell you a story. Only a story. Isn’t that neat? 

It’s something to love. Something to live in. Something to drown in. Listen to the words. Read them. Let yourself be taken away. Gone to far away lands and to amazing adventures just waiting for you. Come on, don’t you want more than this?

It’s just a story. I have so many stories to tell. Don’t you want to listen? Don’t you want to hear? There aren’t enough words in my vocabulary to explain to you. Tell you about all the people I met and the things I’ve done. 

Let yourself go. Far away. On to our next adventure! 

#Stories #I don't even know #But I had to write something #My thoughts #are just #all over the place #I am a mess #Story #Dreams #Adventures #Writing #My writing #spilled writing #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled feelings #spilled words

[night-ghost-writer]

The good days

My mental health isn’t the best right now. I don’t know why, but sometimes I wake up feeling horrible. These are my bad days. But let’s forget about them for a second. I want to talk to you guys about my good days. My fantastic days. The days that I want to live. 

My good days are days that I feel energetic. I feel like running marathons and I feel like flying. My thoughts are racing through my head and I have a thousand, no a million, good ideas. Things I can do right this second. And I think about all the opportunities I have in life. 

Those days I feel fantastic and I love everyone. I want hugs and cuddles. I want hot chocolate and icecream. My legs feel like they are on fire and I want to jump up and down. I can write five hundred words a second and say as much in one breathe. I feel like my entire body is about to explode. 

There are days that I can sing for hours. I seem to have already made seventeen drawings in the last five minutes and I suddenly can see the neighbors playing football and now I want to go outside. My mind is racing and so am I. I want to drive away to a foreign country. 

And maybe you read this and think, this person is crazy. They aren’t well. They should see a doctor. And maybe you’re right. Maybe this isn’t okay and isn’t right. But honestly, on my good days, I feel like life is worth living again. And is that really so bad? 

#My writing #just trying #idunno #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled writing #spilled feelings #Good days #bad days #mental #mental health #I might #have some sorth #of #adhd #but I am not sure #never checked it #never found out #don't care #lets just go #right #energetic #energy #hyper #hyped #living life

[night-ghost-writer]

To write or not to write?

Writing isn’t a hobby for me, you know? It isn’t something I truly like to do. No, I think it’s difficult and I happen to be a perfectionist. This means deleting and re-reading. It’s a difficult process. 

So why do I write? Do you the feeling when you have 6 deadlines and you are stressed out of your mind? There are a thousand things you should be doing and a billion things that you could better be doing.

Yet here we are. Typing on my laptop because my head is way too full and the words are just swirling in my head. It’s like all my own opinions are screaming at me from within my own head.

It’s like trying to put things in perspective and instead of doing that, the words kind of float around and everything is hazy. And I can’t get it to stop. But writing the words down might help?

And it does. It clears my mind for some reason. It helps me think again. And suddenly my stress seems irrational and stupid. And the deadlines seem further away and easier to maintain. 

So the reason I write, when I don’t really particularly enjoy it, is a stress reliever. It really does help me a lot. And now that I have written another few sentences my head seems clearer already.

#Idunno #just trying #My writing #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled feelings #spilled writing #spilled words #writing #stress #stress reliever #relief #life #am i right #god damn

[night-ghost-writer]

“I love you”

This guy I know told me that saying those three words is a really big step in a relationship. I asked him why. He told me, how else would your significant other know you love them? And I thought about that for a while. Because how would they know?

So I brought it up to my girlfriend. She seemed surprised by the question, but only for a moment. She laughed and told me she knew I loved her. I asked her how she would know that after all I had never told her that before. And she smiled and explained to me how she knew.

“Maybe you don’t say it outright, but I know. I know because you always, every time, tell me to text you when I get home so you know I am safe. And you know I get cold fast so you always bring an extra jacket. You always give me the last bite when you are eating something I like.”

“You always make sure we can sit together and you make sure I get enough sleep. When I feel down you cook my favorite diner and we watch my favorite movie. You tell me at least once a day that I look beautiful, or pretty, or gorgeous.”

“You always tell me to buckle up before we drive somewhere. When I told you I like your shirt, you kept wearing it when I came by. When you’re upset you always call me and you tell me you just wanted to hear my voice.”

“You never rush me and you respect me. You always ask for permission if you want to kiss me. I know you love me without you saying it to me because you make me feel loved.”

And suddenly those three little words didn’t seem that important anymore. But when I finally did say them, she didn’t hesitate for a second when saying them right back at me. 

#I love you #How to say I love you #My writing #Just trying #spilled writing #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled feelings #Girlfriend #Girlfriends #pride #love #ways to say i love you

[night-ghost-writer]

Holidays

Holiday season. A time of joy, peace, and happiness. At least that is what is associated with it. This season is about snow and hot chocolate. It is about family and friends. 

I am adopted. I am Asian. Chinese to be precise. My family is... I was going to say predominantly white, but they are just white. All of them. I personally love the holidays at this time of year. I get to see family and the strangers on the street seem just a little bit kinder. 

But for some reason, racism is still a thing. I make it a point to avoid anyone who dares to whisper a racist slur or sentence. With family, however, it is different. You don’t get to avoid them. 

And I am sitting at the table surrounded by people a little too old or a bit too young. And I am in the middle. And it’s lonely in the middle of that crowded room. 

Ching-chong. Peanut. The N-word even. And I don’t get it. Can’t they see? I am right there. I am different. I might have grown up in a white family but I don’t look it. I play the part but I am not what people expect. 

I can complain. I can speak up. I can say something, anything. It doesn’t matter. No one cares. They don’t see that it’s harmful. Or maybe they just don’t care. 

Sometimes I forget what I look like. Surrounded by white people I tend to forget I don’t look like that. And in the midst of all these people who are supposed to always love me. These people who never say anything about my ethnicity. Amongst thee people, my family, I have never felt like a person of color more. 

#Idunno #I hope this makes sense #I am just #so goddamn sad #and angry #I am pissed off #casual racism #holidays #december #fucking fuck #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled writing #spilled ink #spilled feelings #fucking #family #Ugh #I don't even know #Honestly #They don't give a shit #don't care #about me #about what I look like #to other people #i fucking hate everything #sorry

[night-ghost-writer]

Life and death

People say that living is quite aimless. They tell you death will come for all of us. Wealth or love won’t save you. People will whisper about death. Hushed tones and silent tears. And they will say it was too soon. Too suddenly. Too young. Too loveable. And they might say it isn’t fair. 

But isn’t it? Isn’t death the one thing that is fair? Every person, regardless of skin color, sexuality, gender, disabilities, faith, beauty, love. It doesn’t matter what your personal circumstances are. And isn’t that quite fair? 

Regardless of it being fair. I have heard people say that living is aimless. You don’t really have a purpose in life. But don’t we? What if our purpose is to be happy? To make the most of this short time we have on this earth. This stupid rock in space where we live. 

I think that living is the ultimate purpose of life. That sounds weird to you? Well let me ask you, are you living right now? Or are you surviving? Are you just making it from day to day? I am talking about living. I am talking about sunlight on your face and bare feet on grass. I am talking about swimming in lakes and traveling to countries you like.

When I am talking about living I think of dream jobs and amazing friends. I think about being free and fighting for things that you think are worth fighting for. I think about petting dogs and nursing a wounded animal back to health. I think about everything I want to get out of life. I think about happiness.

And isn’t that worth living for?

#Idunno #Just trying #my writing #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled writing #spilled ink #Life #And #Death #life and death #dead #living or surviving #i want to live #i want to do everything #i want to

[night-ghost-writer]

Humans

Humans are kind of wonderful, aren’t we? I am fully aware of all the faults we have made in the past, we are making in the present and we will surely be making in the future. But we are also still human being.

And we sing along to songs that we like while continuing to turn up the sound. And we hug each other to say hello or goodbye. We talk to dogs in those special voices. We think wishes upon stars might come true.

We also try to be kind to people we don’t know. We help those in need. We tell other people they look good to see them smile. And we like seeing each other and communicating. We are such social animals.

And sometimes when I am so done with stuff and I can only think about the bad things. I try to remember the good things. The music and paintings. The spaceships and science. The sports and games. The kindness and smiles.

There are days that I really do forget but we are kind of wonderful, aren’t we?

#kind of wondeful #aren’t we #? #spilled writing #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #just trying #my writing #humans #humans are #kind of amazing #human beings #writing #idunno #whatever

[night-ghost-writer]

What I want to be

When I was around 4, I just started school. I don’t remember a lot of those years. But for some reason I do remember what I wanted to become when I was that age. In that time I wanted to be a princess. Obvious maybe, especially when one grows up with Disney tales and story books full of magic.

When I was, I think, 7 years old I had changed my mind over the years. Ofcourse, I still loved the fairytales and the beautiful princesses. But I didn’t want to be one anymore. At this age I decided that being a mom was the one thing I really wanted. Pretty young right? Not when everyone tells you it’s the single best thing in life.

When I was in my last year before high school, I was 11 years old. I was suddenly aware that I was going to high school very quickly. Being a mother wasn’t my greatest wish in life anymore. This were my favorite years though. I read a lot and so I decided to become a superhero. I was going to save people. I am talking about being a cop, or a firefighter. People told me they were the backbone of our country, whatever that meant.

When I was 14, I was still in high school. I experienced bullies, disappointing grades and backstabing friends. School was also pushing us to find something we really wanted to do with our lives. Being a hero didn’t feel possible anymore and so I thought about becoming a journalist. Writing and telling stories are important for humanity, or so I was told.

Now I am 18 years old. Legally an adult in my country. Legally allowed to consume alcohol. I decided to study communications. I am still telling stories, but in a different way. I am writing, designing and all around being creative. There is a part psychological and there is some researching. But what do I want to be?

I am still very young in many ways. I am not even at a quarter of my life yet. But I do know that living can be hard. There are a lot of negative and downright depressing things happening in the world right now. But all of that has made me realise how grateful I should be and I am for all the good things in life.

So what do I want to be? Simply put, I just want to be happy.

#my writing #idunno #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled writing #growing up #careers #? #idunno I am just trying

[night-ghost-writer]

Learning new things

I like learning. I like learning new things. I really do. Even though I do often exclaim that I do not like school. I take great joy from going. I love it a lot. Next to everything I learn, I really like my class. These people are the best. Sometimes there will be a lesson that bores them. That bores us. It is not always fun and games, sadly. 

I like boring lessons too though. My class is a creative bunch. They really are. We are all somehow creative. Thinking outside the box is our normal. During boring lessons, we all stay quiet. Let the teachers do their thing. Talk and talk and talk and talk. It seems to be going on forever.

And the girl next to me is picking out new dresses for a dance she is attending. She likes the red one, while I prefer the green one. I silently tell her so. She adds both to her shopping cart. Later she will show me a picture of her in the green dress at the dance.

I can see a boy working on a detailed drawing a few seats over. He is drawing the teacher. The likeliness is uncanny. It’s almost scary how he could capture our teacher’s face on that piece of paper so easily. 

The kid on the other side of the classroom is a musical nerd. They love musicals and everything to do with songs. I can see them rhythmically tapping a pencil on their legs. Bopping their head along to a song that has probably been stuck in there for a long time. 

I can see that the girl directly in front of me is frantically typing on her laptop. Trying to keep track of what the teacher is saying. Her word document looks messy, but she has the long speech almost written down to the word. 

A boy that always wears a cap inside is writing something down. He uses pen and paper, and his notebook is open somewhere down the middle. There aren’t a lot of moments that he is not writing. He said he was writing a fairytale. He catches me looking and discretely holds up his notebook where he, evidently, had just drawn a small fairy-like creature. 

Yeah, I really like learning. I love interesting lessons that make me forget the time. But I also like boring lessons. Lessons that make me want to look at the clock every minute. I like watching my classmates as they make sure they don’t disturb the lesson. I like seeing them disappear into their own little worlds. I really like learning new things. 

#My writing #Idunno #just trying #Just a story #spilled writing #Spilled thoughts #Spilled words #Class #School #Learning #It's just #a dumb story #about my #dumb classmates #who are pretty cool