just-me-casey

[just-me-casey]

There is nothing new under the Sun

I just read the book Turtles All the Way Down by John Green. I hated it. I hate everything he described because it was done well and led me to a place I didn’t want to go. It’s been a long time since I was there and I’d rather not go back. 

I stand by what I wrote when I was younger; to be depressed is such a selfish thing, to care more about yourself than people who have ACTUAL problems. Unlike the character in the book, I think you can help your thoughts. It may feel like you’re helpless to the whims of your mind, but your mind isn’t real. It doesn’t control anything that happens in the world outside of your own actions. It’s so frustratingly heartbreaking to read about this poor person who has no control over her actions. Over her habits and surface-level inhibitions. It’s so heartbreakingly sad because there didn’t seem to be a straightforward way to help her. She talked about having demons, not knowing they really are demons, who poison our lives, thoughts, minds, and bodies. Not knowing that her mind really does influence how her body operates. 

The problem with this world, the reason so many people struggle with this stuff is because we are a lazy, self-centered society. I say this as a person in her early 20s. We have too much time to focus on how we feel, whether we’re happy or not and in debating these philosophical topics that we have stopped living. My answer to a lot of these questions has become, “who cares?”. I don’t say this as condemnation, but with a melancholic despair. 

As a wise man once said, there is nothing new under the sun. Everything we question and debate about has already been done. I mentioned to a friend the other day, there is no point in answering a point of conflict because the person asking the question has already made up their mind. It’s frustrating to me, I am weary of all this talk because it doesn’t lead to happiness. Only God does. When I am in my moments of despair, of melancholic introspection, all I have to do is open the word of God and my depression is wiped away like clouds in the sky by wind. The unseen has a bigger effect on the seen than anything in this world. 

My words are full of contradictions and offensive talk. I learn as I write and perhaps you will learn something too. 

#john green #turtles all the way down #depression #hope #melancholy #joy #redemption #I'm being arrogant and snubbing everyone because I can #self-centered #problems #introspection

[just-me-casey]

For someone who claims to live with no regret, it still haunts me in the evenings.

I regret all the relationships I was in always. How horrible I was to my first boyfriend. I wasn’t right in the head and caused him so much pain and strife. I found a message tonight I had saved of when we were happy and in love and the realization of what i did to him fully crashed into me. I wish I could kneel before him and apologize so much for what happened, what I did.

Two years ago (a year after our breakup) I reconnected with him, convinced him to trust me again, slept with him, then kicked him out and told him to not contact me. I hope I never cross paths with him again so he forgets, no one deserves what I did. I wish I could anonymously pay him, or give him something, but all I have is to pray. The Bible says to bless a prophet is to receive a prophets’ blessing; I wonder if there’s something for someone who gets screwed by a prophet. I found him on Facebook and was filled with such relief and joy; he’s ok, he’s doing well (I hope) and looks good. He deserves the world.

My surrogate grandmother. She died a month after covid started. Not of covid, of a fall (burst spleen) in less than 24 hours. I found out about it the day after it happened. I tell myself there was nothing I could have done, I wouldn’t have been able to visit because of covid. But I might have. I had a thought, a week before she died that I should call her up, or visit her because I hadn’t seen her in a while. And now I never get to see her again. It’s been what, 2 years? And even now if I think about it for more than a minute I am broken.

I hate that I dated people. So many people. I don’t know who did wrong to whom, but all I know is I hurt and wish for it to be better. I shouldn’t have dated those people and I did, because I yearned for it. Why didn’t I know better? I just wanted to be loved. Mostly what happened is they probably took advantage of me but I don’t know. That’s painting me as a victim and that’s not nice, I was in control even tho I didn’t feel like it. If I just hug and apologize, won’t that make everything better again?

I live my life with no regret bc I’m scared. Maybe it’s apart of being ‘perfect’ but I hate that I forget. I’m slowly losing my memories and it terrifies me. My childhood crush asked me out but I don’t know if I want him. I don’t want him, or anyone right now. I’m so tired.

I got accepted into medical school. Dad told me not to post it on Facebook bc it’s bragging so I’ll put it here. My life has finally gone good, I’m happy and secure and confident. It’s a wonderful feeling. It feels like God is apologizing or rewarding me for what I went through when I was younger. I hope so. It was so so hard. My sister says it’s not fair when God brings her bad stuff to light bc I do bad stuff too. I said God punishes me and I go through months and years of bad times. She says her too. I don’t mean to compare but it’s different. I’m different. It’s hurtful that she disregards what I went through, doesn’t even care, and thinks that she’s better than me.

Idk why I’m sad. But maybe that’s just me ~

#regret #loneliness #family #love #fear #dating #lost love #death #perfection #being perfect #God

[just-me-casey]

The world is full of stories; the tragedy in Hadestown

Why read fiction when every person’s life is a fairytale. A happy ending or a tragedy.

I listened to Hadestown. It was “a sad story, but we tell it anyways”.

We tell the sad stories and we raise our glass to them. It’s an old story but we remember it anyways. This world is made of stories but we tell them anyways. Some we remember and some we forget. What is the meaning behind telling these stories? People grow and people die and we’ll all be food for the fishes in the end. All will turn to dust in the end so what’s the point? The romance of it. Don’t weep because it was sad, learn from their story and TOAST to them! It was a tragedy but it was made of love. Someone failed but that’s what happens sometimes. We don’t condemn them we toast to them. We thank them for their story and pray we don’t make the same mistakes. But if we do we shall be toasted as well.

We’re only human after all.

God is a God of stories. He created us to revel in them and in Him. Jesus taught in stories, parables and fables. Some failed and some succeeded and nothing was fair because nothing is. So we toast the ones who fail and salute those who succeed. All are the same in God’s eyes anyways. At least they tried. At least they left a story. Because without a story what are you?

The world is made of stories...

#Hadestown #story #tragedy #philosophy #the meaning of life #love

[just-me-casey]

My biggest fear is having no one to invite to my wedding

I don’t have a boyfriend right now but that’s besides the point. I just graduated college and have almost no friends. Covid did something, but the friends I did have straight up abandoned me. 

For example, I’m in a groupchat with 5 girls I thought I was decently close with. We lived on the same floor, got together for sleepovers, went to parties and such. After we all parted ways we stayed in touch, hung out together occasionally and we all went to one of the girl’s apartments and had a fun night. 

I’ve been trying to get the 2 that live near me to come hang out but they said they’re really busy and don’t have time atm but “we should def hang out soon!”. That was a month ago. The 5 of them just sent the gc I’m in with them a bunch of pics and vids of them all at the bars, partying and hanging out. I never heard a word, no one has said anything in the gc for months. Some friends. I blocked them all. 

All the other friends I’ve had slowly disappeared from my life. It hurts, but I understand it. You slowly lose touch, but I’m still scared. I’m terrified I’ll finally meet a swell guy and we go to have a wedding but I have no friends or anyone to invite except my family. 

I’m so lonely. 

#excluded #girl drama #bitches #hurt #loneliness #wedding with no friends #group chat drama #fear #wedding

[just-me-casey]

God is the Master Scientist

We are nothing but lab rats, running in our maze. We take our twists and turns, hoping that one path will lead us down a better trail than another, yet we are still trapped. Our only key to true freedom and understanding from this puzzle of a world is God and the Bible. Think about it: God created this world and everything in it; He made the physics and astronomy, the anatomy and meteorology, the sciences that have puzzled scientists for centuries. 

He created it all, and gave us a Book as His main form of communication with us. Why wouldn’t you read the Bible? Our Creator gave us the key to life, liberty, freedom, and joy. He controls it all. People talk about how the Bible could have error, that it could be wrong; God controls EVERYTHING. Do you believe that the God who keeps your heart beating, who designed the wind and process of DNA replication would allow HIS Book to be incorrect or with error? He is so much larger than all of us, yet He loves us beyond fathom. 

#God #Christianity #Science #Lab rats #Bible #Creator #Faith

[just-me-casey]

Alone.

Lord why. Words can’t even describe it. The poignant ache in my heart is so strong it feels physically real.

I put my foot in my mouth again. I know my friends don’t actually like me. No one does. My family has made that perfectly clear. If my parents hate me, and my siblings despise me, what hope is there. Why did You make me this way? Why am I so a l o n e.

I am completely isolated.

I am completely wrong. I am what’s wrong with people. I am so totally different from the people who live their lives together, I have no hope of ever joining them.

I talk and I interact much like others, but I know deep down I will never be invited to join them. And why would I? Everything that makes me valuable is hidden deep down.

I don’t know how to be included, I was never taught how, or given the desperation to be apart of the crowd. Yet I am still stuck with the hope, the longing for a relationship I have never been able to experience. I wait here, in the dark, for someone from the light I know will never come.

And why would they?

I don’t belong. People don’t want someone like me, I make normal people feel uncomfortable with my difference. They tolerate me, enjoy my presence for the entertaining few moments I’m with them, and then move on to others they enjoy.

I’m terrified I won’t ever belong. What if I get to heaven and even then, I am nothing but shamed and evil and... wrong. Even when I love I am wrong. Everything apart of me is evil. I can’t even be good at the things I’m good at. I’m good enough for people to hate me, yet bad enough for others to hate me. I belong nowhere. The grey area between a 3.5 and a 4.0 in school terms. Not good enough for smart, too smart to belong with everyone.

#alone #isolation #stupid #friendless #not included

[just-me-casey]

Fear

Fear is living in a household and not knowing if you’ll be ok tomorrow. 

It’s having a dad who laughs with you one day, tells you how when he gets mad it’s not a big deal. He acts like your friend and apologizes for how he’s behaved in the past. 

But not the next day. The next day he yells at you for accidentally disrespecting your mother. He threatens to kick you out. He calls you ungrateful and undeserving. He manipulates you and your words so you have nowhere, 

Fear is living with a mother who resents you. She pretends she feels bad for being manipulative. Fear is a mother who turns on you at the slightest thing. The one who says she’s working hard to repair your relationship. That she’s sorry for never being your friend. 

Fear is when they try so hard to repair your relationship and then turn on you. Fear is when they say you aren’t allowed to be a person, to get upset or think something they don’t approve of. 

Fear is living in a home where you don’t know when they’ll turn on you. 

#fear #family #parents #betrayal #manipulative #manipulative parents

[just-me-casey]

I lost what was most precious to me. Or it at least should have been. 

I don't know anymore. 

I didn't even like the guy. 

#the end #what do i do #it's done

[just-me-casey]

Too late

I realized too late I wanted him back. It only took 2 years and turning him down 3 times. But I gave in and realized I do love him. Not in a childish way but one that feels right. A part of me that feels grown-up. I know he isn’t a Christian. But. I miss him. If I date him will it be with the knowledge that we won’t work? Or will it be with the hope that everything will turn out? 

I’ve been used a lot lately. Physically, by people I trusted. I realized it doesn’t mean anything without love. I miss that love. I realized I won’t find someone like him. Someone so incredibly loyal. but he finally realized I'm not someone you want to be loyal to. 

I finally came clean about how I knew it wouldn't have worked out between the two of us. but I'm over that foolish me of the past, who thinks she’s better than everyone. I took him for granted. I want him back. it’s up to him now. 

I've already gone to a place I didn't want to be in. why not do what I want, my deepest desire. whatever. 

I'm done. 

[just-me-casey]

Memories

I saw him today. At the caf, he sat right by where I was sitting and I had to pass him on my way back from putting my stuff away. I knew it was coming in the few minutes before I came upon him and I’ve never felt this way before. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass out or throw up. I never knew what the books were talking about until then when it felt like I was dying. We made eye contact a moment before I was by him and said hi. He hesitated then took out his headphones. He said he was good, general small talk. He didn’t seem upset to see me. It was ok. 

He looked good. Normal. I hope I looked like me. 

I knew I was going to see him today. I woke up at 5 from a dream about him. I told him I wasn’t perfect. He said I changed his life, that I was the best person he’s met. I don’t remember much except that his eyes were so green and lovely. 

I miss him. I finally confronted myself about it last night. I stopped pretending that I didn’t want him, miss him, cherish him. All I asked for was to see him again, talk to him. I guess I got that wish and I should let him rest easy now. I got what I wanted. He doesn’t hate me, he didn’t blow me off, he didn’t scoff or scorn or despise me. Maybe I was better thinking he did...

I walked away as fast as possible. My hands and every part of my body was shaking. I walked hard and fast away, wishing for nothing more than to be his girl again. Even though I wasn’t. 

#memories #seeing an ex #when I was his girl #missing you #love #terror #it'll be ok #i miss you

[just-me-casey]

I’m Not Fake

I’m not fake. I had an ex-friend text me the other day saying I act polite but am actually terrible on the inside. I’m not and I cannot forget that no matter how the words of others may say so. The looks and words and actions of those who hurt me and would do everything to take me down, I must remember, I am not fake. I am a genuine person. I cannot trust those who would do me harm, who would do everything in their power to take me down.

I am a ship sailing through a storm, I must and will persevere. Though I am surrounded by fear and hate, betrayal and disgust, You are with me. Your rod and thy staff they comfort me. (Psalm 23)

I don’t need to understand why people do what they do. I don’t need to pity them, think about it from their perspective. They have made the decision they did, I only do what I believe God has called me to, and if I happen to mess up and don something I haven't, I have repented for it. I am forgiven. My sins are cast from me as far as the east is from the west. 

I am free, I am me, and they can never take that away from me. 

#free #I'm not fake #enemies #fear #psalm 23 #I am free

[just-me-casey]

Decisions

Decisions decisions, always always. Being a student is probably the hardest thing in the world. Perhaps. 

Regardless, you never stop. So much to think about; the future, the present. Where to go for medical school, what to do to get there. what is the best method of getting there, advice from everyone, “this is how I did it, if you do this you’ll be a sho-in,” “don't even think about doing this! You should do that instead, that’s how my great-niece's granddaughter’s friend did it and she’s a genius. Knowing you’ll never stand out, never stand up because everyone has been working before you were even born. No place for you because everyone is already there. 

Do they ever get tired? Never quitting. Always being the best, doing the most. How is it possible that everyone is the best, at the top; that isn't even physically possible. 

I try too but sometimes I feel like I’ve given up before even beginning. I am all too aware of my flaws and weaknesses. I’m not the best, not even close. I don’t know what to do, I can’t even try because isn’t the Lord supposed to try for me? I just have to trust and wait and He’ll bring it all into my lap. But when am I supposed to use what He’s given me? Aren’t I supposed to try eventually? Utilize the opportunities He’s given me? 

I think I’m just tired. I know what I want to do but I know I can never stack up. I suppose I don’t have much faith. I don’t trust that I will make it where I try, I lack the faith to succeed. I have faith it will be brought to me, but lack that I can use it. I have a fire but it is starting to fizzle. I don’t want to go out. I’m just so tired. 

#tired #faith #decisions #premed #school #student #I am weak #save me from myself Lord #what to do

[just-me-casey]

The Future

Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realize, everything’s gonna be ok? I can almost see the future, I’d live a simple life studying, doing karate or some sort of workout, just living simply. I’m not super pretty, nor less than decent. I’ll fall in love and marry someone, live a happy life. I can see it laid out and that’s what I hope for. I know it won’t happen exactly like that but it gives me hope. I don’t have to settle for loud assholes who don’t care or appreciate me. There is someone meant for me, exactly when I need them and they need me. Just the way God intended. 

I’ve realized I’m finally becoming happy living. Living in the moment, trusting things will work out and working a bit towards the future. For example; I don’t chase guys anymore. I’m working on just being content and trying to be their friend. I am no longer desperate. I have also made the decision to not judge people. I’m making a conscious effort to not, and if you’d believe it, it’s very freeing. I’ve undergone a change, I can only hope that I can hang on to it and try to not mess it up. 

Amen

#growing #future #love #simplicity #present #true love

[just-me-casey]

There is no closure in Real Life

It might seem obvious to some people but movies aren’t real. The fun love story where everything works out even when it doesn’t. The story where both characters know exactly what to say and what to do and there is no need to go back for closure because everything got said and done. 

But movies aren’t real. Movies are what happens in your head after you’re replayed that one moment over and over and over again until you think you know exactly how it should have gone, what you should have said. Movies aren’t like real life, where when someone says it's over, you don’t know if you should laugh or cry. They say “I’m done” and you can’t think of something to say so you agree. You leave. And then afterward, for days, you replay that one moment, the last time you saw them. You wish you said or did something differently. You wish you kissed their cheek, or hugged them or did SOMETHING so you have that closure. You wish you asked why rather than just leaving. You wish you knew what you know now, how it feels to wonder what might have been if you just asked for one more chance. 

You wonder how it might have played out differently if you hadn’t gone crazy. If you hadn’t gone crazy and texted him over and over asking for closure, for something to explain what happened. If you hadn’t pretty much made him block you and destroyed any chance for the future. What might have happened if you were able to stay friends because being friends is better than nothing at all. 

But now you have nothing. He blocked you on everything imaginable because, in your insane, heartbroken state, you used up every resource of contact to him until he blocked you on everything. All because you couldn’t just keep quiet and accept no closure.

You gave everything you could, just trying to reach him again. To gain that goodbye; because of what you didn’t say the last time you saw him. 

#romcoms #real life #love #broken heart #last moments #let's be friends #closure #crazy ex gf #lost love #what might have been #movies aren't real #block your ex #gone forever #I'm sorry

[just-me-casey]

Work is like a drug

Work is like a drug. I tell myself I like working, and I really do, but... 

I think-no, I know, I’m working to forget him. It takes a different side of your brain, the side that doesn’t hurt so much to use. I use work like a drug. 

I miss him. I’m remembering again, the times we shared but did I really love him? I’m reading something right now in which the one person says he was using her, but she was using him too. 

It was a bad relationship. It wasn’t even really a relationship in the first place, it was supposed to be a fling, a friends-with-benefits sort of deal. But I forgot and fell. 

I acted so stupidly towards him. That’s what happens when you let passion lead, you forget everything you’re good at, everything that makes sense, you forget who you are. 

I wish I could see him again. See him and show him that’s not who I really am. That I’m strong and smart and caring. He only got the side I didn’t know existed, the physical, obsessed side. I’m so ashamed, I wish I had known him without the physical. 

He’s probably with someone right now. Someone who is worthy of his trust, who won’t let him down and hurt him. 

(side note, he hurt me very badly but I also hurt him. What am I supposed to focus on? Forgetting he hurt me to feel sympathy or to think of myself and how he never really apologized for hurting me..)

I have so much regret. 

#regret #sad #relationship #situationship #love #moving on #friends with benefits #fling #love is like a drug #work is like a drug #work to forget

[just-me-casey]

Why am I not over him?

He did nothing for me. He was a worthless jerk but he was mine. I miss the intimacy of being with someone. I put time and trust and effort into him and I just can’t believe it’s gone. It’s all gone. I miss putting effort into knowing someone, caring about them and having them care about me. I miss making out at the very least; being into someone and having them be into me too. There’s so much I haven’t done with him, so many things and details I haven’t learned. I never got closure because I never got to see him. I was the one who was hurt yet he’s the one who turned me away. 

I hate who I’ve become. The psycho who texts him late at night, who’s always thinking about him when he’s moved on. He has friends now, he’s got people he actually wants to be with. He never thinks of me and I hate that he doesn’t know or care how much he’s hurting me. 

I hope in my heart that maybe he feels the same. That maybe he actually wants to be with me, but he blocked me. He blocked me and doesn’t want me. Somewhere inside me, I think that maybe if I sleep with him he’ll come back. He’s the asshole, the one who hurt me. He is an absolute weirdo too, someone none of my friends like yet somehow he has the upper hand. He knows he has power over me, he can be cocky and prideful because he doesn’t care. 

He doesn’t think about me. He left me a few windows to come back but I used them too much and too soon and they’re gone. He’s not even a good person. He’s an actual rude person and isn’t nice to me but he has this weird hold over me that I keep giving him so he feels like he has power over me. He shouldn’t have power over me. Why do I keep giving him power over me. 

[just-me-casey]

Learning and moving on

He’s gone now. I went to send a text to his number despite my being blocked. I couldn’t because my past self ensured that. I was going to tell him how I was listening to an artist he recommended but I couldn’t. He’s gone now and I’ll be ok. He’s gone now but that’s ok. I can look back on the memories with him with fondness but he’s gone now. I need to remember he isn’t coming back. I messed up but I learned from it. I spent too much time telling him how special and irreplaceable he was that I forgot... he is replaceable. He’ll have to be. I forgive him for abandoning me. I forgive her for abandoning me. I forgive them for being selfish and cruel but I shall not let them back in so much because the only way for them to be let back in would be for them to stop being stupid and lying and vague and playing those stupid games. The only way for them to be let back in is if they grow up. That is the only condition. 

#lesson learned #selfish #childish #grow up #stupid #playing games #memories #replaceable #moving on