deadlymind-n-aquickpen-blog

[deadlymind-n-aquickpen-blog]

the contrabass saxophone is such an absurd instrument

[deadlymind-n-aquickpen-blog]

Bad habits

I have been drinking coffe since i was 6 and I drank it black with just a spoonful of sugar just one small cup

I cant go one whole day without my 10 cups of coffee in the morning or I'll get terrible migraines

When I was little my mom wasnt around much so I would just eat a bag of chips for dinner and made sure everyone was asleep before i went to bed

No I forget to eat most of my meals and ignore hunger when someone wants to talk and I still make sure everyone is in their rooms by bedtime

I kept my emotions inside alot and didnt talk and showed I was hurting by being rude and nasty and just plain bratty

I say my emotions out right now but omly if you ask and now when I'm angery im a complete bitch with complete disregard for anyones feelings

We dont break bad habits we just change them

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She crys and pouts while I listen and reason

She cuts and screams while I ask why and how you are feeling

You are destroying yourself trying to be with her but you dont see it

I can we all can but you dont

I'm trying to help but you won't do it you are scared of what she will do

Do not stay an emotional hostage

She wants you only to herself she doesnt like any of it

She doesnt really want to die she is just being dramatic

Pleass open your eyes

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100 : 0

I gave you meaningful and sentimental, you gave me drawings and empty words that weren't even yours.

I gave you diamonds and you gave me hot topic metal. I gave you name brand and you gave me walmart. I still treat you with respect after you said I was worthless, you still treat me like shit. And you think its all fair trade.

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What girls with body problems need to understand

Muscle weighs more than fat.

Your boobs and butt aren't light and add to your overall scale weight.

If your hair is long that can also add to your weight (especially when wet).

Women on average gain 5 pounds on their period.

Violin hips are common and are caused by having higher hips not because something is wrong with you.

Not everyone is built to have a thigh gap, the higher the hips the less likely you are to have a thigh gap.

Things like salt and water can make you bloat and make you feel fatter.

The numbers on the scale should not dictate how you see yourself.

#body issues #body problems #ana inspo #support #healthy #body image #self love #self care #acceptence #loving

[deadlymind-n-aquickpen-blog]

This is beautiful

Find A Road…

no more…more of the same

repetitive stories

similes, rhymes and allegories

it’s time for something other now

new growth, new chapters

deeper meaning to days…

how many rounds can a man

go around

until he’s ready to plot some different ways,

ready to cover some new ground

tired of repeat, retread

hungry for other, starving to be fed

seems to me…

one must choose to feed oneself

walk away, I say (to myself), today

leave stuck-patterns on the shelf

push away…

from that all-too-comfortable-seat

choose not to…retread, repeat

retread, repeat

walk outside to a world

teeming with endless roads to take

find a road, start to walk

take a new path, listen to mother nature

talk

hear her sing, watch her sky

discover every reason why…

how life is here for my…

taking

if I will simply get off that seat

step away, refuse to repeat

the same day, every day

it’s time that I choose to get away

from habits, from patterns

from anything that holds me back

there’s millions of new roads, new trails

for me to forage, for me to attack

FollowCB | Copyright May 13, 2018

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Your mindset matters

It isn't permanent

Nothing matters

We are all going to die one day so why bother

All of these sayings mean so little when you have such a negative mind set but when you look at them positively they mean so much.

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Why I really hate myself

You look better when you smile, I have been told this my whole life, but I have never liked my smile. I stop myself mid laugh sometimes because I rememeber how ugly my smile is. I used to believe I was fat, convinced myself that I was fat and nothing would change that. I have always been normal weight or even below normal weight, maybe once for like 6 months I was over weight because I couldnt keep my hands off those meltable chocolates my mom bought. All summer I have worked on my body, still having my normal, sightly unhealthy, privileged diet, but I worked out every day starting easy, now I do 100 of every thing I do. I pushed myself until I was happy with my body and I am still not and I will still make myself work out. I have spent 2 years with braces waiting for the day they will come off and I will love my smile. My birthday is in, I think 5 days, my sweet sixteen will be a party at my house with hopefully about 30 people I know. I don't really know what we will be doing at this party of mine, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Things like that usually work out, people find ways to cure their boredom. But my braces come off in 25 days, on that day I will go in at 11 o'clock they will take my braces off and get my mold ready for my retainer. It will be ready by 2 pm and I can pick it up then and they will do a free whitening treatment. Last year I cut all my hair off and grew it back because I ruined it with bleach. It miraculously grew back with loose spiral curls, even though i was born with straight hair. Loose spiral curls have been something i have wanted since i was a child I thought they were so pretty any time I could I would ask my mom to curl my hair. I learned how to take care of it and how to style it. I almost have the body I want, I will have my perfect teeth in less than a month, I have what I have considered perfect hair since I was a child.

How come I still don't love myself then? I am the person who I have always wanted to look like. I realised as I stared in the mirror asking this question. I never hated my appearance, I was just always told thats the only thing I could fix. I hate my personality. I see myself as selfish, a push over, rude, unladylike.

It waz then I stopped focusing so deeply on what I saw about me and more about what I thought about me.

(I don't know what this is about originally it was supposed to be about how i care more about what I look like than my own birthday but in the end it turned into that sometimes we don't realise what we really hate about ourselves so we try to go for something we know is easy to fix. I really dont know this is just kinda my rant format, tumblr is just my place to write my crappy little speeches that I don't feel comfortable verbalising in person.)

#self hate #hard work #happy #happiness #health #hair #self love #self worth #self reflection #self respect #self reliance #love yourself #rant #bad poems

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Who am I really?

I step in and out of personas so often I've lost myself.

I step out of a shy and cute girl and into a confident funny girl.

I step into a manipulative heartless woman and out of a cunning mysterious person.

I step in and out of personas so much I dont know who I am.

I do this to make others comfortable.

Does that mean I'm always the munipulative girl?

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I will change

Starting with the mother she sent over the edge from her emotional selfishness.

Starting with her overwelming self pity.

Starting with her low self esteem.

Starting with changing her negative attitude.

Starting with her need to show more emotion instead of bottling it.

Starting with stopping her dark and ruthless intrusive thoughts.

She looked at herself in the mirror, stared dead into unreadable eyes, "I will change, not for me, but for her. If I succumb to my own depression and anxiety, then that is me giving up. But to take anyone down with me, especially her, I will not allow that. I will change. I will be happy."

With that she looks down at her clenched hands, tearing up at what she knows she has done. This will only push me to change more, she tells herself.

Its your fault, whispers in her head as she looks up on more time to pin her own glance.

I know and I am going to fix it, by changing myself to be who I need to be, to be happy. With that final thought she left, off to start rebuilding herself.

#emotional #spoken poetry #spoken poem #change #love #spilled words #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #being yourself #changing for the better #being alive #beingmyself

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Beautiful but cold

Snow beautiful, pure, and so very cold

A pale white canvas

Waiting

For people to walk all over it and destroy its still beauty

Hoping that they find joy and can be bliss as they throw snow balls

Scattered everywhere

Beaten to form snowmen and snow angels

People leave there marks in the snow

Turning something so light and pure, into a massacre of memories

But come tomorrow another snow day will come

The snow will look reborn and fresh

So pure and beautiful

Please build memories out of destroying it to create what they want

Please make the pure white canvas of fresh fallen snow dirty with mud off your winter boots from running with joy

Please loss yourself in happiness

Ignoring the cold bite of winter at your skin

Ignore that you are destroying something beautiful

Because you are enjoying its cold

#snow #poems #bad poems #poems on tumblr #winter #late night #im not dead yet

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Selfless vs selfish

I spend all my time worrying about others and if they are okay

You spend all your time worrying what others think about you and when someone will notice you aren't okay

I spend nights alone crying to myself so that no one will worry

You make posts about how depressed you are and you wish someone would just help you

I talked to you everyday and made sure you were happy

You talked to me everyday about what stressed you out

You talked to me about how you felt no one cared

I hugged you and held you and told you I did and that you can always come to me

I stayed up at night just incase you called

I skipped meals so you could eat

You slept peacefully through the night knowing i was a call away

You ate my meals without a second glance

I was having a panic attack and you said you werent okay

I hid every emotion I was feeling and marched up to you with a smile on my face to ask whats wrong

You told me everything that was wrong while I had to stand there and twitch trying to contain my shaking

I stayed up night after night and it became routine

I gave up meal after meal and it became routine

I pushed down every emotion for you and it became natural

You took advantage of that

You are selfish

I am selfless

And I can not tell which is worse

#bad poems #i wish you knew #lost love #please dont go #spilled words #depressing #selfish #selfless #poems #love #kill me #why #you hurt me #i loved you

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I lied

I sent you a paragraph

Explaining why I wasn't okay

But its late

And it was raining

You hate thunder

You were tired

I told you to sleep

I told you

Im okay I promise

I lied

I broke that promise

Now I'm bleeding

I feel like dying

But you were tired

And I didn't want to bother you

#bad poems #i wish you knew #lost love #please dont go #spilled words #depression #selfharm #selfless #please talk to me #please love me #please help #please come back #please #i love you #but you will never know #you dont care #kill me #depression is a silent killer

[deadlymind-n-aquickpen-blog]

Everything Okay?

It sounds like you could use some kind words right about now. We suggest Koko, an anonymous support community made up of nice, caring people like you.

For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[deadlymind-n-aquickpen-blog]

"After everything I've been through, just this year alone. Please don't expect me to know what love is."

-love became a lie when she left me

#bad poems #gay #i wish you knew #lost love #please dont go #spilled words #kill me #depressed #love #forgotten love #i love you #dont leave me #im feel broken

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[deadlymind-n-aquickpen-blog]

There is a moon ive been dying to see

But it never showed

Now that I feel like dying

It shows itself

Imperfect light shining through clouds.

Now it shows

Now I want it gone

#suicide #fuck this #fuck you #gay #bad poems